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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Unione Puff-Sleeve Body-Con Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS) | ·

A woman wearing a black puff-sleeve dress

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Maybe it’s because we’ve all become a bit more casual in the last few years, but I’m not seeing as many swoon-worthy work dresses as I used to. This dress from Max Mara, with its gorgeous shape and slightly puffed sleeves, has just enough of the wow factor to break the dry spell.

While the description refers to it as a “body-con” dress, it looks to me like a normal sheath, perhaps with a tiny bit more stretch. I would wear this with some tortoiseshell pumps and classic jewelry for a great professional look.

The dress is $895 at Saks Fifth Avenue and comes in sizes 0–14.

A couple of options on the more affordable side are this Calvin Klein dress at Saks OFF 5th (sizes 2–14; $49.99 on sale) and this MSK dress at Macy’s (1X–3X; $54.99 on sale).

This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

Workwear sales of note for 9.29.23:

  • Nordstrom – 28,000 markdowns, and big beauty sale!
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off all sale styles
  • Athleta – 25% off for members, 20% off core
  • Banana Republic – Up to 40% off sale styles
  • Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off purchase
  • Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off women’s clearance (ends Monday 10/2) – some great basics on wool suits for women
  • The Fold – Mid-season sale, up to 40% off!]
  • J.Crew – Extra 60% off select sale styles, 30% off fall styles, and 30% off men’s and boys’ suiting
  • J.Crew Factory – Up to 50% off everything
  • M.M.LaFleur – Sale on sale, extra 10% off
  • Reiss – Mid-season sale, up to 50% off
  • Talbots – 25% off your entire purchase
  • Theory – Friends + Family sale, 25% off sitewide
  • Ulta – Fall Haul Event, up to 40% off (ends 9/30)
  • Zappos – 18,500+ markdowns for women!

About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Cb

    A laugh for the morning – one of my students wrote in an essay “referendums provide politicians with an escape goat…” In the days of paper marking, I’d have illustrated this in the margins.

    • Ses

      Please get yourself an iPad and Apple Pencil and draw escape goats to your hearts content. (I’m kidding but actually I like making notes on academic material this way, maybe it would translate well to grading papers)

      • Cb

        I asked for a apple pencil and paperlike protector for christmas, but all our marking is done online. Which is great, until they start saying “let’s mark using voice notes or video!” and I have to be the person saying absolutely not.

        • anon

          One of my professors in college, back in the early 00s, graded our papers by recording his comments with a tape recorder and giving us the tapes. I remember sitting in my car listening to my professor’s disembodied voice telling me what he thought of my final paper for history class. Not that it matters, but I got a B on the paper.

        • ProfP

          I agree 100%!! Grading (‘marking’ in the UK) is enough work as it is. The idea of having to create multimedia experiences when half the time the students don’t even look at the comments is completely over the top.

    • An.On.

      If you like that, you should track down a book called Non Campus Mentis about errors college students have made on their history papers.

    • Not that Anne the other Anne

      My parents had goats for awhile. They were pretty good at being escape goats, but fortunately, they only tended to escape from their pasture into the back yard, which … hey, free lawn-mowing!

      • Vicky Austin

        When I lived in the boonies, an old coworker once told a story of a goat he owned who got out, climbed onto his truck and ate the windshield wipers.

        • MagicUnicorn

          I had neighbors growing up whose ragtop convertible became a victim of escape goat brunch one day when a tree branch fell on their goat enclosure’s fence.

    • Coach Laura

      In my time as a professor, I also got “escape goat” on a paper. We also had electronic notes, so I didn’t draw a goat, but now I want to!

  2. Anonymous

    I am still a fan of dresses for work. My post-pandemic outlook on dressing focuses on simplicity rather than a lack of formality, and I have always found dresses to be the simplest way to get dressed and the easiest way to get quality, as you can often get a nice dress for less than a mediocre 3-piece outfit. That is especially so in the winter, when I can throw on tights without worrying about blemishes on my legs or being cold due to air conditioning. This pick is great, even if a bit pricey for most, but not for my broad-shouldered build. I do hope fashion doesn’t give up on great work dresses.

    • Anonymous

      This. Dress and warm opaque black tights are more go to for winter in the office

    • Anon

      I am broad shouldered as well, and trying to get into simple dresses as I’ve never worn them before. What type of dress do you recommend, and where are good places to buy them?

      • anon

        I no longer go in to an office (or have a job where any kind of dressing up makes sense) but when I did I (another broad-shouldered gal) got a lot of mileage out of the Lands End ponte shift dresses.

        • Trish

          I WFH and wear the Target Universal dresses a few times a week. They are perfect for errand running as well so I don’t need to change to run out.

      • Anonymous

        The list below is a good one for the higher end. This year, for multiple reasons, I was hesitant to invest a lot and found that Ann Taylor’s sheath dress offerings worked out well for me. I particularly appreciate that they are selling dresses with short sleeves, which makes them a bit more versatile. I also like cotton jersey dresses because they have some give to them and rarely have extra detailing at the top that creates bulk.

        • Anonymous

          Also, check out The Work Shop at Dillards. As with most retailers, there seems to be some confusion about what is work-appropriate, but there are multiple good, mid-priced, and simple (unadorned) dresses available today. But beware their inflexible return policy.

    • Anon

      Agreed, I am very much team dress for work! And I’m in a workplace that went “casual” in that suits are almost never required and blazers probably only have to be worn 1-2 times a month rather than 3-4 times a week. No jeans, even on Fridays. So, I still need what I’d call “pre-pandemic business casual” dresses, which are harder to find. Only in 3x a week now so need less work clothes, which is my saving grace!

      • Anne-on

        I’m in a similar situation and stalk Nordstrom/Saks/Bloomingdales this time of year for DKNY/Boss/Black Halo/LK Bennet/Hobbs dresses. Jcrew has a few cute options as well!

    • anon

      I don’t wear dresses to work anymore except for Extremely Formal Days, but this summer I became a big fan of the t-shirt dress.
      I like the color and drape of this pic, but something about the sleeves just isn’t working for me.

    • Anonymous

      I am also team dress for work! So much easier. However, I feel like clothing companies have given up…. It’s so hard to find a dress that has the following features – not a suiting dress, not a wrap dress (always end up too low cut with my large chest), has sleeves, and is knee length or midi length, and has an even hem. I’m seeing dresses that meet many of these criteria, but not all of them and it’s so frustrating.

    • Anon

      I am cold-natured and work in a freezing office with a blower over me. I like a longer dress that I can layer underneath in the winter — t-neck, uniqlo leggings, socks, boots. It’s like the office end of the rufflepuff midi spectrum. I hate it, but it makes my winter dresses very different, style-wise, than non-winter dresses. At least chub rub isn’t such an issue with this many layers on!

    • Anon

      A dress without a jacket or sweater jacket or cardigan has never been warm enough for me!

  3. Anon

    Hello! The area we usually visit is totally booked for mid January. Where should we go that is a direct flight from Houston, less than four hours, for three nights, with good weather?

  4. Anon8

    If anyone follows Disney stuff here… absolutely bananas that Bob Iger came back from retirement to be CEO again and Chapek is out. Would love to know the drama behind closed doors that lead to this.

    • Anonymous

      Yes it is wild. On a Sunday night? With none of the nice words to clarify no no he didn’t do something shady there’s no investigation this is purely business?

    • Anon

      Yes! Like Succession, but no one is related.

      Not surprised that the FTX dude is throwing his sometime-GF under the bus.

      Also: am sure that Elizabeth Holmes’s second baby was a ploy to keep her from prison. No doubt she will nurse that child for years and years to stave off actually serving her time. I guess she is out pending appeals anyway.

      • Anon

        She doesn’t have to report to prison until the end of April, and I’m sure she’ll come up with endless excuses why she can’t/shouldn’t have to report because of her kids. Who were conceived while she knew she was going on trial/going to be sentenced on federal fraud charges.

        TBH I am kind of waiting for her and Billy-boy to flee the country; they definitely have the resources to do so

        • Anon

          I’m sure they took her passport. But that only stops you if you fly commercial, no? Does it also stop you if you fly private?

          • Anon

            Good question; having never flown private I am not sure how that works but I imagine even if she was able to get out of the country without a passport, she’d have to show something at the border of wherever she landed, right? Unless she was going to claim political asylum, or something.

            Look at what happened with Carlos Ghosn – he smuggled himself in a packing crate to get out of standing trial in Japan. Harder to smuggle yourself, your husband and two kids, obviously, but she’s proven herself to be extremely crafty and devious when it served her. I think the idea she’ll flee is a long shot and likely she’ll be spending several years as a guest of the federal government at one of the minsec camps. But I wouldn’t be surprised if she tries something. She’s always acted as though rules are for other people and don’t apply to her.

          • Anon

            You need a passport to enter a foreign country regardless of how you arrive. I guess she could escape to some privately owned island without a passport.

        • Seventh Sister

          Plenty of women in prison have small kids, and many of them get their parental rights terminated because they can’t find someone in their family who will qualify as a foster parent or guardian. I hope she doesn’t get endless extensions just because of $$$$.

          • Anon

            But she is blonde! And pretty! And has tons of $ for lawyers (like even if her $ goes to restitution, her partner comes from serious $). She has said what is true: pretty people don’t go to jail.

          • Anon

            I would imagine that their father will take custody of the children as he would not need to jump through hoops to qualify as a foster parent or guardian.

          • Seventh Sister

            Well, he’s a rich white guy, so I assume they’ll award him a medal and an all-agency standing ovation for taking the children while she’s in prison. If her only available family option was a grandparent with a decades-old felony conviction, those kids could be on the foster-to-adopt train super, duper quick.

        • Anon

          Well, look at Mary LeTourneau (spelling). She had babies and still went to prison.

    • Anon

      I have never followed Disney news but I want the tea. Can you give a quick recap?

      • Anon8

        Okay. So. Bob Iger was CEO for 14 years, most people generally thought he was doing a good job and had a creative-first approach to running the company. He announced his retirement February 2020 and former CFO Bob Chapek took over (there are some conspiracy theories about the timing with the pandemic, lol). Chapek is a numbers guy, did a looot of cost-cutting over the course of the pandemic. On the parks side a bunch of stuff that used to be free now costs money, parks are dirtier and understaffed and more complicated than ever to visit, high profile Imagineers (park designers) left. There was some drama with studio stuff too, though I don’t follow that side of the company really. Morale was super low across the board within the company.

        Meanwhile the company had, until very recently, been doing super well financially under Chapek. The board extended Chapek’s contract in June and had put out statements in 2022 about being fully supportive of his leadership. Iger had said he was supportive of Chapek running the company in 2022 as well.

        Then last night at 9pm EST, out of *nowhere* there’s an announcement that Chapek is out and Iger is coming out of retirement to be the CEO again, effective immediately. Iger says he’s staying for 2 years until they can find another successor. There had been no hint *whatsoever* to the public that this was coming, or even a possibility. The statements from the company said absolutely nothing about Chapek, only praising Iger. The suddenness has a lot of people wondering what’s happening behind closed doors that made them act SO swiftly. Why did the board have faith in Chapek in June and now they don’t? What (if any) of Chapek’s changes will they try to undo? Was Chapek the “fall guy” to make all the unpopular budget cuts during the pandemic and now they don’t need him anymore (unlikely, but people online are speculating)?

        • Anon

          Ooh, interesting. Thanks for the recap. I’d also be wondering why they ousted Chapek so suddenly.

        • Curious

          Thank you for the details! My sister used to work in the parks and was thrilled yesterday, but I had no idea why.

        • Carla

          I wonder if Chapek had some personal issue or was caught up in something unsavory that they absolutely did not want to be associate with.

          • Seventh Sister

            This is 100% what I want to know tbh. The “numbers guy” who was brought in to run Warner Bros. wound up getting fired over promising auditions/roles/etc. to a pretty younger actress. I have no real connection to the industry but if it’s a scandal, the details are usually pretty salacious.

        • NYCer

          I don’t think it was completely out of nowhere (well, Iger coming back was kind of out of nowhere….but there had been chatter since Disney’s most recent earnings call earlier this month about firing Chapek).

        • Anon

          One article said “….the board determined that Mr. Chapek, 62, had done irreparable damage to his ability to lead, with a string of missteps resulting in the lost confidence of Wall Street and most senior Disney executives, as well as many rank-and-file employees.”

          I would love to know these details!

        • Anon

          IIRC, there was some drama from Florida-based employees and they felt that the corporate response to new FLA don’t say g*y laws was deepening the cultural issues within Disney creatives. IDK how pervasive this was and if it was parked-based or non-parks based (OMG this does sound like Succession). But it was a FLA specific issue I recall.

        • Anon 2.0

          Thanks for the recap! I do love a good messy drama that in no way involves me and I can read about online, lol.

        • anon

          From what I read, the big issue is that stock performance. It’s fallen 41% this year, most drastically after the last earnings report, which reflected that Disney is spending a lot more making new content than they are in additional subscriptions to Disney Plus. This is a problem for all the streaming services at the moment, so it will be interesting to see what Iger comes up with.

          For all the complaints about the parks, they’re at record profitability. The way they’ve been run seems like an extremely short-term strategy and a poor one heading into a recession to me, but if they didn’t have a problem in June, I can’t imagine that’s the issue now. Same with the tension with DeSantis and the employees’ complaints over how the company handled the don’t say gay bill.

          • Anon

            Andor is really, really good. I hope they don’t cut back on making actually good shows!

    • Anon

      I know! It’s fascinating. I love imagining what machinations went on behind the scenes to pave the way for Iger’s return.

  5. Anonymous

    Anyone have a towel warmer? DH offered to get me one for holidays. I’m overwhelmed by options. I’d like one that shuts off on a timer but otherwise don’t know whether rack, bucket style, etc.

    • Formerly Lilly

      My ancient Zadro brand large bucket style works great, but I see that current reviews on Target and the river s!te are negative. So I can’t recommend that brand but I do recommend a large bucket style, because you can put your robe in the bottom, then your hair towel, then bath towel for 100% toastiness on exiting the shower.

      • Anonymous

        Oh, wow. I was not familiar with the bucket style. This is making me think about reno plans for my small bathroom to accommodate one of these.

        • Formerly Lilly

          Warming racks would certainly be more stylish as this thing is not particularly attractive sitting in the bathroom, but it is great at thoroughly warming things. It will also hold two very plush bath towels, if there are two of you that shower in succession. And any time I’m chilled and can’t seem to get warm I just put a throw blanket in it and warm that up.

          • Anonymous

            My bathroom is pretty tight, without a good spot for a rack, but I do have space for some relatively narrow built-in shelves. (I currently have a small shelving unit in that spot.) My vision is to make a space at the bottom where the bucket could live. There can be an outlet there. Your comment leads me to add a door to the plan. But my home is not “fancy”, just functional and considered.

          • Formerly Lilly

            I think they make them half sized as well. Should fit a towel and a light robe. The large one is indeed quite large.

    • Anon

      I have had a Warmrails rack for, no lie, over 20 years. It has moved houses with me and still works great. Nothing like a toasty warm towel in the wintertime! And in the summer it helps dry the towels so they don’t smell like mildew.

    • Nesprin

      Rack style+ timer + plug (not hardwired) would be my suggestion. Costco is usually great for this sort of thing.

  6. Not bride to be

    My wedding got called off this weekend. I pre ordered and paid for my bridesmaids dresses from Lulus. I now have 5 navy floor length gowns past the return window (call it $400 total retail). All NWT and unaltered. I’ve seen some return posts here- think I’ll have any luck if I ship them back myself? Or am I better off donating them.

      • Vicky Austin

        +1. I can see them holding the line for one, but for 5, all in just-bought condition, they might be flexible with you. And totally delegateable if you don’t feel up to explaining to a stranger. I’m sorry for what I’m sure is a strange and tough time.

    • Anonymous

      I’m so sorry and also hopeful this will turn out to be the start of a wonderful new path for you. I’d personally donate them today. Get them out of your life their vibes are bad.

    • Anne-on

      I’m so sorry, I hope you’re doing ok.
      Can you delegate this to a bridesmaid – ask them to call, ask to speak to a real person, and explain the circumstances. They may hold firm but I would think this would be a situation in which they’d try to work with you.

    • Anon

      Definitely delegate this to someone else. Also, my friend’s wedding got cancelled two days before. It was really tough but eventually she found her now husband and they are happy with two kids! Sometimes this is the best decision.

    • pugsnbourbon

      Oh I’m so sorry. Agree with the others that you should delegate this to someone. If Lulus refuses, there are a couple platforms that sell new/used wedding stuff – WeddingSwap is one. Again, have someone else take over the selling/shipping.

    • Senior Attorney

      I have nothing to add to the good advice above, but congratulations for dodging a bullet! My first wedding should have been called off but I didn’t have the guts to do it. And even if you weren’t the one who pulled the trigger, you still dodged a bullet. Big hugs to you!

      • Anon

        Co-sign this.. I know more than a couple of people who were on the precipice of calling off their wedding and went through with it and had major regrets, and ended up getting divorced anyway, after there were houses and kids and whatnot that made it all so much more complicated. (And one person who talked her fiance out of calling off their wedding and lived to regret it.) Regardless of who pulled the trigger on the cancellation, a bullet was definitely dodged, although I know that’s cold comfort to the OP right now. OP, hope you are okay. Sending good energy your way.

      • anon

        +1 I have no add’l useful advice, but my first engagement got broken off (we hadn’t been engaged long enough to start putting down deposits) and I am so so grateful it did. I met my now-DH six months later and we have two beautiful children and a happy life together. Do whatever you need to do to keep it together, rely on friends and family for support, but know that you will get through this. Hugs from an internet stranger.

  7. Thanksgiving

    Please share your favorite easy thanksgiving appetizer recipes. Looking for things that are light and either super fast/easy or can be made ahead because I don’t want to cook all day and have no hungry guests but feel like I should put out a fee things to welcome guests. So far – I’ve got rosemary bar nuts and probably some cheese (but trying to keep cheese minimal so everyone does get too full).

    • Anonymous

      I always do a shrimp cocktail platter from the grocery store. Everyone finds it luxurious and festive and no one gets too full.

      • Aunt Jamesina

        Yeah, we do shrimp, crudité with hummus, and some nuts and olives. I feel like Thanksgiving apps should be light since the meal is so heavy.

    • Anon

      I love appetizers so much, but my mom and aunts who still run the family Thanksgiving do not (well, they’ve just become women of a certain age who have practically no appetite) so we usually just do crudités, chips and salsa and cheese and crackers for our holiday appetizers.

    • Anne-on

      If I’m cooking the full meal I tend to go super light on appetizers – veggie tray/crudite platter, fancy chips or flatbreads, a charcuterie platter, and some dips (basically go raid Whole foods or Trader Joes prepared food sections – they have LOADS of stuff ready to go).

    • Anon

      A favorite here is those little filo cups with a bite of brie and a dab of pepper jelly in them.
      Meatballs in the crockpot with a can of cranberry sauce (the type with berries in it) and a bottle of chili sauce.
      A light soup served in small coffee mugs, something like sweet potato/apple.
      Crustless quiche.

      • Senior Attorney

        OMG I make those meatballs with grape jelly and chili sauce and now I am dying to try the cranberry version!!

        • Anon

          Me too!

          SA, which chili sauce do you use? I used to use Heinz but I haven’t been able to find it lately.

          • Senior Attorney

            I use Heinz when I can find it, if not I use Kroger store brand and it’s fine.

    • Anonymous

      Drunken tomatoes are always a hit unless you are teetotalers. Basically vodka-soaked cherry tomatoes. You can find recipes online.

    • anon

      – This is why grocery store veggie trays exist. Instead of dairy based dip you can buy plain hummus then split it into little bowls and make different flavors (chipotle powder, smoked paprika, zatar…).
      – Slice a few granny smith apples then top each with a piece of brie, a walnut, and balsamic syrup.
      – Charcuterie board with more veggies than cheese and meat. Artichokes, hearts of palm, olives, peppers, sun dried tomatoes, grapes…

    • Anon

      We are doing spinach and artichoke dip, cheese and crackers, shrimp platter and veggie platter.

    • Anonymous

      Put olive oil, parmesan cheese and cauliflower (I use defrosted frozen) in a zip lock and mix around enough to coat the cauliflower. Then roast the cauliflower at 425F for about 20 mintes.

    • Anon

      Maple cashew popcorn. We do a normal breakfast and then no one gets to eat anything other than maple cashew popcorn until the meal!

      Link to follow.

    • DeepSouth

      The gay globetrotter dot com has a very good fall appetizer compilation. I am making the sweet potato rounds with goat cheese and cranberries.

  8. Anon

    I was all about the Hilary Mantel interviews this week. Apparently she went to law school before becoming a writer. It all makes sense now. (Also, I can’t believe that I missed the fact that she died, but it was the week I got COVID and WFH was a slog then, but eek. Living under a rock.)

    • Anon

      She’s really fascinating. There was a post over the weekend about role models and, as someone with a chronic illness, I often feel like I don’t have any role models because I never see anyone with a life like mine, but she’s definitely an example of someone who created something extraordinary despite significant health challenges.

  9. Anon

    Does anyone have a Pup Protector? We are getting a new leather couch. Dog licks the old one regularly, but it is so old I’m not worried about him injesting tanning chemicals. For the new one, licking might be bad for him (and thanks to an open concept layout, he has full run of the place).

    • Veronica Mars

      Honestly, what worked for my dog was a $50 vintage velvet chair from Habitat. He prefers it over the leather and doesn’t touch our couches. He’s always liked microfiber/velvet so if your dog is similar, maybe see if there’s a small, cheap chair you can try to see if he’ll settle there instead.

  10. Anon

    Looking for a consistent volunteering opportunity and am struggling to find one!

    I live in Center City Philadelphia and would like to find a regular (preferably biweekly or monthly, but could try to do weekly) volunteering position that is not during work hours and could be for maybe 1-2 hours at a time and where I can sign up as a solo person. I don’t have a car so needs to be in Center City or walking distance (I’m also cutting back on my subway use due to violence). I previously volunteered every week for 1.5 hours before work at a soup kitchen (when I lived in a different city) and also volunteered in Philly packing food boxes for distribution (when I had a car and could drive to warehouses) and I loved it but am also open to working with kids, animals, the outdoors, hospitals, whatever.

    Unfortunately most of the opportunities I’ve found that would otherwise fit the bill require a commitment that is too large (4 hours/week), are during work hours, aren’t taking new volunteers, or aren’t accessible for me.

    I might have a few friends interested in joining, but I’d also need to sign up as a solo person (aka I’m not part of a church or other group that I can sign up with). While I’m not a member of a church, I am certainly open to volunteering at one as long as it is accepting of all and not trying to convert me (I am nominally Episcopalian).

    • Monday

      Look into Mighty Writers! I used to walk to one of their locations when I lived in CC Philly. It was super fun, working on creative stuff with school-age kids.

    • Z

      Big Brothers Big Sisters. Hours per week varies by match (big/little pairing) but I see my Little every other weekend for about 3 hours each time (sometimes more, sometimes less depending on what we want to do that day). Commitment to the match is 1 year unless something is fundamentally wrong. I cannot recommend this organization highly enough, the impact it has on kids in the program is incredible.

    • Anon

      Meals on Wheels?
      Clinic escort at Planned Parenthood?
      Coach or supervise a kids activity at a rec center?
      Go to an old folks home to play board games or just socialize with folks?
      Those are some volunteer activities friends have done on nights and weekends.

    • DT

      Back on My Feet! The org started in Philly (now nationwide) and uses running as a means to connect with the homeless population and build self-esteem, self-sufficiency, community, etc. If you are a runner, you can volunteer as a morning runner with a team, but there is also so much more than that. They have a “next steps volunteer mentor” program that is more flexible and allows you to match with a member (individual experiencing homelessness) and work with them on interview skills, resume building, etc. I have worked with the org for over a decade and there is such an immediate and lasting impact with the members, I think you will be blown away. Glad to post a burner email and answer any questions too.

    • philly volunteer

      join a nonprofit board! if you post a burner email i’ll send you a link to one, monthly board meeting and monthly committee meeting so two evenings/month

  11. Anonymous

    Has anyone made their own scratch off ticket, bingo card, or Calendar? A friend and I are talking about creative goals for next year and we love the idea of having some kind of scratch off. I’m seeing some online but not sure which ones are actually user-friendly and could last a month or even a quarter/90 days

    • JTM

      I got scratch off cards made for our baby shower – got them from Etsy and they were super cute.

  12. anon

    Awhile back, I posted about a situation I was in at work–I wanted to leave my current division at my agency for another one, but my supervisors wanted me to stay (and informed other supervisors of this, some of whom dropped interviews) until a project I’m leading concluded. The timeline for the project was indefinite, and I knew that if I was going to start another job, I wanted to do so before beginning TTC.
    The hive confirmed my feelings that this wasn’t acceptable. I applied elsewhere, but also continued to interview with one of the divisions that didn’t drop my interview. They made me an offer, my supervisors found out, I advocated for myself (maybe for the first time ever in my career??), and am soft-starting this week! I still have to stay in my current role until early next year, but I now have a hard end date and it is only about 2 weeks later than I had initially wanted.

  13. Anon

    Question for the Canadians! Any recommendations for an easy way to find a last minute trip when you don’t have a specific destination? I unexpectedly have Dec 17-23 off after a very busy year and would like to go somewhere to sit in the sun, be at a nice hotel, and read trashy novels. Will be on my own from the west coast. Hoping for 3-4 days, flexible on dates and location. I know it’s the busy time for resorts/all inclusives, but wondering if there’s a way to find a deal.

      • Anon

        That’s also super busy this time of year. Perhaps the busiest of the year. OP, I think you just have to look around, there’s no,secret just some luck.

        • Anonymous

          Yes it is. Any last minute peak travel is going to be busy and expensive. So just go
          To Hawaii which is at least nice.

          • Anon

            Agree on Hawaii. You get there and then you do nothing. You have a maitai in your lounge chair because that’s the law.

    • Anon

      Google flights used to have a tool where you could put in a set of days and it would show what some of the cheapest destinations are.

    • Anonymoose

      kayak dot com backslash explore. This will allow you to chose the time frame and length of trip and it will show you flights around the world.

  14. Chocolate coconut

    Does anyone know of a chocolate place that sells chocolate coconut candies? Godiva only has them in a mixed box. I know that Lindt sells them but was looking for something different. TIA!

    • Anon

      See’s has both milk and dark chocolate coconut creams, plus some other pieces with coconut (delicious).

        • Anon

          + a million.

          What are your favorites?

          I like the dark California brittle, any of the nut clusters, and there’s a special place in my heart for the Mayfair.

          • cooking for one

            ahhh….

            I am a classic lover…. milk chocolate buttercreams.

            I think I will buy myself a box for Xmas.

          • Senior Attorney

            If I’m buying a box I’ll usually go for nuts & chews, but I do love the Bordeaux with the little jimmies all over it. Also somebody gave me a box of molasses chips for my birthday and now I’m obsessed. Also the scotchmallow, of course.

            When I had my baby 36 years ago, all I wanted for a “push present” (which wasn’t a thing back then) was a box of See’s candy all to myself. And I got it!

    • Edna Mazur

      Baker’s Candies out of Nebraska (such good chocolate). You want the 5lb bulk bag gold stripe!

      • Edna Mazur

        Just saw you can get 4oz and 16 oz bags in one flavor only as well. Seriously these are great chocolates!

  15. Anon

    I would like to ask for a new work bag for Christmas and am struggling to find one that fits the bill!

    It needs to have a zip top and interior pockets. My current bag is 12 in H x 16 in W x 5 in D. The new bag needs to be just as big or a little bigger as depending on the day it carries some combination of laptop (13 in) and work stuff, lunch, gym clothes, or grad school stuff (if I pack carefully, I can fit it all into my current bag!). Looks like the Cuyana, Madewell and Quince totes are all a little bigger, FYI.

    Luggage sleeve, key leash, and exterior pocket are nice to have but not essential.

    I prefer a tote but could be convinced on a nice looking backpack (I have a walk/metro commute, so know a backpack is healthier). Prefer cognac or black but open to other colors. Price limit is ideally under $200. I really want something that will hold up for a few years (unlike my current tote).

    • Anon

      That is a lot of stuff. Your poor shoulders. LL Bean has a backpack with a laptop sleeve that is built with supports. It comes in all black. I bought for my daughter recently who was having shoulder issues with her all-day tote (which she had a laptop in). Oops — black is sold out now but there is a navy.

      https://www.llbean.com/llb/shop/124379?productId=1776156&attrValue_0=Classic%20Navy&sku=1000046979&pla1=0&qs=3155267&gclid=Cj0KCQiA4OybBhCzARIsAIcfn9mih6g1Kh5GH2lEtTiRQiDo6EGW7C-9O0aWCO58ArfOJ-gufG7IPdgaAv10EALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds

      • OP

        That bag is too casual for my workplace! If I get a backpack, it needs to be more professional looking than that.

        Every time there’s a question about a bag that can carry what’s needed on this board, someone chimes in that it’s too much stuff. I haven’t commented on this before, but I can assure you it’s not as much as people seem to think it is, and that nearly all of my friends and coworkers are carrying a similar load for their commutes which are either entirely walking or a combination of walking and public transportation.

        I wfh Monday/Friday and am in office Tuesday through Thursday, so I only need to carry my laptop and notebook in on Tuesday morning and home on Thursday evening. I leave my sneakers and toiletries in my locker so my gym clothes are just a pair of leggings, pair of socks, sports bra, and tank top which takes up very little room (or, if working out in the morning, I wear that and throw in a dress, underwear/bra, and this time of year a pair of tights in my bag. Blazers for formality and cardigans or wraps for warmth are kept at my desk along with my work shoes, I wear jewelry I can workout in). Food is usually just a yogurt (breakfast) and for lunch a Tupperware of salad, a piece of fruit, and a cheese stick, as I keep other snacks at my desk. I also keep my water bottle and coffee mug at my desk. Everything else I carry is small and needs to be transported regardless: both phones, wallet, work badge, keys, sunglasses, AirPods, sometimes an umbrella. Grad school supplies are only once a week, and is just a notebook and maybe an iPad.

        • Anon

          Whoa, where is the hostility coming from here? The person you’re replying to was just trying to be helpful. If this is a stressful week for you (like it is for a lot of us) it might be good to step back from conversations if your first instinct is going to be an attack reply.

        • OP

          Sorry – I truly did not mean to come off as aggressive.

          Basically whenever people ask about high capacity totes they get somewhat aggressive replies saying that they carry way too much or it won’t possibly fit in a tote or they’re wrong or whatever so was heading that off. Everyone of my friends has a walking or walking and public transportation commute with a tote bag, a laptop, a packed lunch and usually something else like gym clothes or a return they’re going to make on their way home or something. Like, I do carry all of this in a tote and I have for years. It does fit and it’s not uncomfortable. I mentioned that the Guyana and Madewell totes are actually bigger than my current tote to point out that I don’t need some jumbo bag to fit what I need. A normal size tote suffices!

    • Anonymous

      Lo & Sons Rowledge backpack, the large size. I just got one for travel and it was so much more pleasant than dealing with a tote, in terms of capacity, ease of access, and carrying. And it has a key leash.

      • OP

        Unfortunately, it’s over budget. It looks like Target has a dupe I might check out, but it looks a little small. I’ve found that everything usually fits better in a tote than a backpack, for whatever reason, even if the backpack has a larger capacity.

    • Sybil

      I think the Lo and Sons Rowledge is the nicest backpack I’ve seen, and I love it. You can convert it to a tote as well.

    • Anon

      OMG you need a backpack. Everyone always wants to carry everything but the kitchen sink in a tote and it’s just not going to look good, nor is it going to be good for your body.

      • Anon

        This. Or pare it down. There’s a million things in hay bag you actually don’t need. Shop by your office and leave food in the office fridge or switch to shelf stable snacks. Workout at home or closer to home. Etc.

      • OP

        This is literally what my first response was about and I got called aggressive.

        Please believe me when I say it fits in a tote and that I do need what I say I need.

        If you read my comments, I do keep snacks in my desk but I r pack a fresh lunch that I can’t keep at work. Using the work gym is the only one that works with my schedule and budget. I do workout at home but also enjoy classes and equipment in thr work gym that I don’t have at home.

        • Anon

          You are being aggressive in your responses, and also rude. Don’t post here if you’re only looking for the exact answer you want to hear (and BTW, we have no idea what your precise, exact, perfect solution is if you don’t even know!). You’re getting good suggestions you’re disregarding because you’re so defensive about what you’re shlepping around.

    • Anon

      TUMI is currently having a 40% off sale on some of its online exclusives and I saw a couple backpacks/totes that might fit what you’re looking for, though I think they’re all still a little more than $200. I have the Voyageur Rosie Backpack, which is almost identical to your current bag’s specifications; I really like it and think it looks more professional than the standard backpack.

    • anon

      I live and work in Chicago, and most people use the Tumi voyageur backpack. Recognize it is over your budget, but had to shout it out because there is a reason it is so popular. They wear really well. If someone is near a tumi outlet, i have seen them go for a lot closer to the 200 dollar mark. I’d also check out KNOMO, they have several backpacks and totes, and i know people who have liked the quality (again, this brand is a bit over your budget, but maybe sales will bring it down). The beauchamp backpack is 216 right now. I do know some people who use either the madewell zip top with an organizer. I’d also check out the kate spade all day large leather tote. They are over budget right now, but often on sale.

    • NancyDrew

      Maybe this? https://www.colehaan.com/grand-ambition-convertible-backpack-british-tan/192004842684.html?src=googleshopping&glCountry=US&glCurrency=USD&utm_source=googleads&utm_medium=shop-ssc-nu&gclid=Cj0KCQiA4OybBhCzARIsAIcfn9mWdfWXOazaEyfJkGK7L-bAj23Ry-rDG_vqo7J-SgP3Hi20qwF3r3MaAumtEALw_wcB&utm_campaignid=18883495124&utm_adgroupid=&utm_adid=&utm_keyword=&utm_matchtype=&utm_campaign=EX_CH_GG_ACQ_USA_NB_PMAX_Assets&utm_adgroup=&utm_content=18883495124&gclid=Cj0KCQiA4OybBhCzARIsAIcfn9mWdfWXOazaEyfJkGK7L-bAj23Ry-rDG_vqo7J-SgP3Hi20qwF3r3MaAumtEALw_wcB

  16. Anon

    i was reading about Naomi Biden’s wedding this weekend and read that she and her now husband have been living at the White House, which is part strange/part kind of cute. also kind of funny how she and Trump’s daughter – who were classmates at Penn – got married a week apart. I don’t know who should run instead, but I really think Biden is too old to run for president again. i suppose that is ageism at its finest, but this time he’d have to engage in in-person televised debates, make in-person appearances etc. and i think it helped him a lot last time that he did less stuff in-person

    • Anon

      As someone Naomi’s age who was very close with my late grandfather, I think it’s so cute and I’m a little envious that she gets to live with her grandparents. I remember crying on Inauguration Day seeing the family together because the grandkids all seem so clos with him and grandparents are my soft spot and I haven’t had any since I was 21. I had old grandparents but it’s also wild to me that someone my age has a grandfather who is only 80! If alive, my youngest grandparent would be 95 and the oldest would be 102!

      As a moderate Democrat I love Biden a lot and think he’s done a fantastic job, but I agree he should not run again. I also don’t think Harris can carry a ticket. To be honest, a Buttigieg/Abrams ticket would be my choice!

      • Anon

        “it’s also wild to me that someone my age has a grandfather who is only 80” – Same! I’m Naomi’s age (28) and my own father is 71. My grandparents are long gone.

        • Vicky Austin

          Same – my grandparents were 80 at least ten years ago if not more, and most of them are gone!

        • Anne-on

          This! My last surviving grandparent passed when I was 25. Fwiw I think having grandparents live that long is a subtle class marker – my grandparents on both sides worked jobs with hard manual labor (union jobs/farm work/waitress/shop woker plus housewife) served in WW2 and had much less access to high quality medical care or early screenings. My dad has outlived the age his parents passed and my mom is very close to it. Barring catastropic accidents/serious long term illness I imagine I’ll live longer than my parents as well due to better medical care, mostly due to my white collar job.

          • Clara

            I could see it working the other way too – if you marry and have kids younger your grandparents may be alive later into your life. But if everyone waits to have kids until theyre 30 thatll be better

          • Anon

            I could not believe how healthy and how old people’s grandparents were when I went off to college! People in their eighties playing tennis. My parents and grandparents were so much younger from having had kids so much younger, but my grandparents (with the exception of my grandma who grew up middle class) were pretty much housebound by their sixties (at least in part from overwork, long-term malnourishment, and factory exposure related illness, though my doctors now think there may also be some broader issues that were missed from not having amazing healthcare access).

          • Anon

            Interesting, I almost think it’s the opposite. The higher educated you are, the longer you wait to have kids statistically. My mom, who has a ph.d,had me when she was 34, and I’ll be 38, with a law degree, when I have my first. On the day of their birth, their grandma will already be 73. On the other hand, my aunt got married after high school and had her first at 21. My cousin, her second child, was born when my aunt was 23 and had her first at 25, a few years after graduating college. My aunt was only 47 when her first grandchild was born.

          • Anon

            I see it the opposite. The educated, affluent people I know had kids in their early-mid 30s in my parents’ generation and mid-late 30s in mine, so my parents and my friend’s parents were in their mid-late 60s when they became grandparents. My friends from high school in more blue collar families had parents who’d had kids in their early 20s and had kids themselves in their mid-late 20s, so grandparents were 50ish when kids were born. Huge difference between 50 and 70 in terms of how active the grandparents are and how much time you’ll have with them.

          • Anon

            I definitely disagree that it would just be better if everyone waits until their 30s to have kids. I think better education and opportunities should be provided to younger people, but it’s normal and fine to start families younger.

          • Seventh Sister

            It can be a class marker, but I think there’s an element of luck to longevity. My maternal grandmother grew up in rural OK in the 30s, probably had malnutrition as a kid/teenager, helped her mom run a boarding house, taught school, and didn’t have the world’s greatest medical care until she moved closer to my parents in her 70s. Never smoked or drank, had Type 2 diabetes for a period of time, but no big health issues. She died in her mid-80s, sharp as a tack, after several years of end-stage nerve pain from shingles. We all joked that she was too mean to die young, tbh.

          • Anonymous

            Why would it be better for everyone to wait to have kids in their 30s? I would argue the exact opposite.

          • Clara

            Wow holy typo – I did not mean to write “But if everyone waits to have kids until theyre 30 thatll be better”.

            I meant to write something along the lines of “But if everyone waits to have kids until theyre 30 they’ll be older”

            This is what I get for answering work Slacks during my corporette time

      • Anon

        Out of curiosity, why could Vice President Harris not hold the ticket but someone who has now lost twice (Abrams) could?

        • Anon

          It’s an interesting phenomenon in politics that people love candidates who aren’t running or presumed to be running, and I’m pretty sure it’s vastly exacerbated with women, who lose points for ambition much more than men. Hilary Clinton had really high approval ratings as Secretary of State and look how it turned out for her when she ran for president. That’s why I laugh when everyone is like “oh Michelle Obama is universally beloved, it should be her.” She’s beloved precisely because she’s NOT running for any office and people perceive her as above the fray. If she announced a campaign her approval ratings would immediately go through the floor.

          • Anonymous

            This is true. There is polling about HC that shows this trend over the years, when she was vs. was not seeking power.

        • Anonymous

          Not the original commentator but Vice President Harris doesn’t have a great record as a presidential campaigner. Her last campaign ended before Iowa and she is now the vice president for an unpopular president, doing rather thankless jobs. (Frankly, I think Biden could set her up with opportunities that will play better in 2024 but that’s another discussion.)

      • Anon

        Abrams can’t even get elected in GA so I doubt she has a chance on a national level even though I love her.

        • Anon

          This.

          And Mayor Pete is still . . . very charismatic but not really at that caliber. Is there no governor somewhere like Clinton? Running a medium-sized city in Indiana and the Dept of Transportation is just not the needed resume but a good start. Also, Senators are good at losing elections (Gore, Kerry, McCain, etc.), so my $ isn’t on Harris here or any other Senator.

          • pugsnbourbon

            Someone last week said “Dems are bad at succession planning” and damn if that doesn’t ring true. Beto might be an ok pick – lotta youthful energy – but agree with others that his track record isn’t great. Otherwise I can’t think of ANY democrat options, but can think of a handful of republicans (DeSantis, Cruz, maybe even Pence with his recent efforts to distance himself from Trump).

          • Anon

            Gretchen Whitmer!
            The Bidens have been so good for our country; a much needed dose of decency and stability; the same things they’ve provided for their grandkids.

          • anonchicago

            There are a handful of purple state governors who would be strong contenders but aren’t the most charismatic nor have they been anointed by the DNC. Gretchen Whitmer (MI) is the exception and I think she’d be a fantastic candidate; Roy Cooper (NC), Michelle Lujan Grisham (NM), Laura Kelly (KS), and Tim Walz (MN) all come to mind as well.

          • Z

            Personally, I think Senator Stabenow will retire and Pete will run for her seat in 2024. Pete and Chasten moved to Traverse City, MI last year to be closer to Chasten’s family… and maybe also for that senate seat.
            Governor Whitmer has said she will not run for President in 2024 and will finish her last term as Governor. But we will see!!

          • AIMS

            Some strong candidates have already been mentioned and I’d add the governor of CO and the newly elected Governor of PA to that list. There are plenty of potential future candidates. I can be as pessimistic as anyone but this is not one of the topics I’m feeling down about.

          • Anon

            As a Pennsylvanian, I’d like to keep Shapiro for at least a full term before he enters national races. He won very decisively, but also Mastriano is a nut case. If we lost our Dem governor after a partial term and the Republicans ran someone reasonable, I could see things flipping which I’d like to avoid

          • Anon

            There are something like 20+ Democratic governors. Some of them are probably too liberal or have too much baggage to carry the country (e.g. Newsom – although he has been quite effective at his job), Whitmer and Cooper come immediately to mind, but most of them could make a run. And 60-ish of the top 100 cities have Democratic governors. If you scan the list of speakers at the Convention in 2020 you can see who the party is trying to highlight. The bench is pretty deep, but most of them are not going to run against Biden if he wants to run again.

            I love Buttigieg and Abrams but he is not there yet and she may never be (given that she cannot win statewide office in Georgia). I really wish we could replace Harris because by virtue of being VP she is the natural successor, but I do not think that is realistically possible unless she steps aside (which I do not think she will) . She is not a good campaigner based on her 2020 run and is probably too liberal to carry a ticket on her own.

            But then I remember that in 2006 nobody was thinking about Obama as a candidate. (And he was a Senator who went straight to the White House – although I agree that is unusual.)

          • Coach Laura

            That’s not true about Obama not being known before 2006. He gave the DNC Keynote address in 2004 and I remember announcers at the time saying that he was going to be a Presidential contender.

        • Anon

          This. I really like Stacey Abrams but I think she’d be a disaster on a national ticket. I like Whitmer or Klobuchar.

        • Anon

          Policy wise, I really like this combo! But, I could see there being a lot of flack for an all white ticket.

          • Anon

            Hot dish is not a universally Midwestern thing! It’s really just a Minnesota (maybe also Wisconsin?) thing. I live in Indiana where Buttigeig is from and I’ve never seen one in person.

          • Vicky Austin

            The Midwest is a vast region! Hotdish was prevalent in the areas of the Dakotas I’m familiar with, too.

        • Seventh Sister

          This would be my dream team, but the other way around. She’s certainly not perfect but I think she’d be a great, Angela Merkel-type president for America.

          • Anonymous

            Seriously, why is Buttigieg being slotted in the Presidency over Klobuchar? I am certain Klobuchar would have something to say about that. In fact I believe she did during the 2020 primary.

          • Anonymous

            Beause Buttigieg is a dude and other dudes are not going to vote for a woman. Of course.

          • Anon

            I doubt it would be a deal breaker for most swing voters, particularly if one of the candidates was a woman.

          • Anonymous

            Of course you can. Many, many people care more about the quality of the candidates than their demographics. In fact, your comment is very racist.

          • Anon

            It’s not that having two white people is a dealbreaker for people, it’s that you want a Black or Latino person on the ticket to increase turnout among minority voters. You can say it’s racist all you want but I would be shocked if a white Dem presidential nominee chose a white VP. In the last four presidential elections there was only one all white Dem ticket and they lost. The Democrats aren’t dumb, despite what some people here think.

      • Anon

        It seems to me that Abrams is very popular in blue areas outside of Georgia! I think it’d be hard for any Dem (especially a Black woman) to win statewide in Georgia.

        • Anon

          That may be, but if she had won, she profile would be very different than now (two-time loser; maybe a good organizer, but not a successful candidate). Ditto that for Beto. Popular, but had he won, he’d be on a very different footing than as a person who loses state-wide races.

        • Anon

          Eh Warnock and Osoff won statewide, and Warnock may very well win a second time in a couple weeks. It’s clear not impossible for a Black Democrat to win in Georgia (and tbh in Georgia I think Blackness is an advantage, not a disadvantage, given how many Black voters make up the Democratic base). I think Abrams is a great organizer and not a great candidate. Both can be true.

        • Anon

          Georgia currently has two Democratic senators, one of whom is black, so Dems can win statewide office in GA. Abrams can’t.

      • Anon

        I really don’t want Biden to run again. I don’t want to vote for him. I feel like I really voted for anyone but Trump rather than for Biden.

        • Anon

          I currently feel very betrayed by his pandemic response. There are hospitals and care home unmasking because of how anti-mask the politicized CDC has become, leading to outbreaks among the most vulnerable… All so that this administration can pretend things are okay and reassure us that the vaccines work great unless you’re really high risk to begin with.

          • AIMS

            Sincere question – what would you want the response to be? They were losing politically when they had mask mandates and I don’t think it’s feasible to continue to mask everywhere for this long. Even in a state as blue as NY, our dem governor almost lost in no small part because she insisted on mask mandates long past the time the public wanted them in schools and in the subways. I guess we could have just kept it in place for nursing homes and hospitals? Genuinely curious what you think should have been done. I agree that the CDC should never have been politicized but that seems to have happened under the last administration, not the current one.

          • Anon

            I mean, you said it. We need staff to mask in nursing homes and hospitals, which are both full of people whose vaccines don’t provide adequate protection.

            My issue is that the current administration politicized the CDC further instead of improving things; Walensky has been absolutely terrible from the start.

          • Curious

            And here I am in my little Seattle pro-mask bubble being astounded that there are doctor’s offices, hospitals, and nursing homes that don’t require masks. We even still wear them for daycare drop off!

          • Anon

            @Curious, same in Berkeley. But my friend in SF says Berkeley is much more mask-y than the city, for some reason.

          • Peloton

            Death rates from COVID are at an all time low. Infection rates are also very low, especially for a late winter season. And the evidence around masking, especially as it is done in practice, not as it can be done in theory, is not that strong. In other words—the science does not support mandatory masking anymore. It did for a time. It no longer does.

            If you’re going to trust the science, you also have to trust it when it says you can be less cautious.

          • Anon

            There’s hardly any testing anymore and the few people who are testing positive are mostly doing so on unreported home tests, so you can’t read anything into low infection rates. Agree death rates are lower than they were, but they’re still higher than for things like seasonal flu and the majority of people dying are now vaccinated but vulnerable due to age and health conditions (versus early in the pandemic where it was almost all anti-vax people dying). Given that hospitals and nursing homes are where the most vulnerable among us live, continued masking in these locations makes sense even when it no longer makes sense in general. There’s nothing anti science about that.

          • Anon

            The science absolutely supports masking as source control in healthcare facilities in theory and in practice alongside other mitigation measures like ventilation and air sanitation. How else would you suggest preventing outbreaks of airborne disease among the highly vulnerable in healthcare settings?

        • Trish

          I am still aggravated that the DNC pushed all the candidates to fold before many of the primaries finished.

          • Anon

            Yes. There’s always that feeling w/the DNC that we’re to do as we’re told and respect our betters and can’t be trusted to vote for the “right” candidates in primaries.

          • Anon

            It is not uncommon for either party to push the remaining candidates to withdraw once a clear front-runner emerges. The Obama/Clinton race running into June was quite unusual. Allowing it to continue runs the risk of the nominee emerging from the primaries badly damaged.

            Both national parties want a candidate who can win the national election. I get that a lot of people on this site were not super happy with Biden for a lot of reasons, but the runner up was Sanders and he was not likely to win a national election (and does not solve the age issue). And I think most Democrats can agree that Biden was preferable to Trump

      • Anonymous

        You don’t know Stacy Abrams at all if you think she has an interest in being Vice anything.

      • anonymous

        Just noting that not *all* the grandkids were together. It’s well known that the Bidens have shunned Hunter’s illegitimate children and tried to erase their existence as politically inconvenient hassles.

        • Anon

          Huh? I’ve seen Biden in lots of photo ops with Hunter’s youngest who is illegitimate. Obviously he’s not going to have the same kind of relationship with Joe that the older grandkids do, because of age if nothing else, but there’s no reason to suggest he’s being “shunned.”

    • anonshmanon

      Didn’t he do a presidential debate last time? There was this whole scandal about 45 showing up potentially knowing he had covid at the time. I thought Biden ran a fairly normal campaign last time?

        • Anon

          It was the height of a global pandemic, thousands of people were dying every day, hospitals were overwhelmed and there was no vaccine or antiviral treatment. Of course his campaign wasn’t normal! 2024 would obviously be different.

        • anonshmanon

          While I think the critics have a point, but it also makes me wonder how much support he could garner with running a full campaign?

          • Anon

            Omg he ran a basement campaign because there was a huge pandemic for which there was not yet any vaccine or treatment. Not because a normal campaign would have hurt him.

      • Z

        Yes, Biden did do debates live and in person in 2020. As much as I wish the thing with T*ump going to the debate with covid didn’t happen, it definitely did.

    • Anonymous

      I found myself tearing up reading that in the times. I think it’s really sweet that she’s so close with her grandfather. I have such a such a soft spot in my heart for families like this. My cousin lived with my parents in his teens and early twenties and I’m sure it looked strange to some people but he’s like a bonus brother now. It looked like a beautiful wedding.

    • Carla

      The debates were always in person and televised. He would have to make more in-person appearances, but he does seem to be doing fine with that as President. I work in politics and am more left, but lets focus on actual problems or policy issues here. Bernie Sanders is also 81. Some people just stay more active later in life.

    • Anon

      Disagree. Debates don’t move numbers at all. People are voting for a team and so far Biden’s is outperforming expectations. There’s unfortunately no heir apparent and it’s probably time to switch up the VP choice to create one. But he should run again because we still need to win.

      • Anon

        Retail politics is what President Biden does best. The COVID pandemic and not being out and about as much as he otherwise would have hurt him (but he won anyway). I wouldn’t be the least bit upset about a second Biden term. If there is one, I hope the DNC uses it to further build their bench.

      • Anon

        Agreed. Biden over whoever the GOP pits forth all day errrrrrry day. I don’t want to lose the office and the Dems are horrible at succession planning.

  17. thanksgiving side?

    in search of a tasty, vegetarian side that tastes different from normal “thanksgiving” food. cooking for 5, will have all of the more traditional thanksgiving-y food, but would like something with some heat or acidy to break things up. maybe something spicy? a peanuty cole slaw? any suggestions welcome!

  18. Anon

    on occasion I wake up in the middle of the night and want to know the time and currently that requires looking at my phone. does anyone have a non-ugly clock to recommend to keep in my room that i could look at instead of my phone

    • Anon

      I have one of the sunlight alarm clocks which I love! Even if you don’t use the alarm feature, I think it’s one of the more attractive clocks out there with a light up display. Most of the actually attractive ones are not useful for middle of the night wake-ups.

      • Anon

        My sunlight alarm clock music doesn’t work anymore (not sure why, but resulted in me sleeping through several days of missed alarms when it first happened), but I haven’t replaced it. Now I use my phone for an alarm and the sunlight alarm clock for time during the night, for the same reason you are asking about this. I do love the soft glow of the numbers on the sunlight clock and you can dial up or down the brightness.

      • anon

        I use my sunrise alarm clock as an “okay to wake” light. If the clock is dark it means I have enough time to go back to sleep. Knowing the actual time stresses me out and leads to panicked “I’ve only gotten X hours of sleep” math

    • Anon

      This is why I wear a watch (actually a fitness tracker, but it tells time in the night). Clocks are surprisingly bright and I can’t stand the extra light. When I stay in a room that has one, I have to unplug it or move it to the floor turned to the wall.

      • Vicky Austin

        This is what I do too. If you don’t want to wear a watch in the night, OP, could you leave one on your bedside table to check when you wake up?

      • Anonymous

        Same. I actually have a clock, I just can’t see it when I wake up in the middle of the night without my glasses even though it’s only 2 feet away because my eyesight is so terrible.

    • Aunt Jamesina

      I have an analog alarm clock with a glow in the dark face from IKEA. I vote to keep it simple! I love not having any electronics in my room, and the fact that I have to take a moment to read an actual clock face rather than a digital display taunting me all night means I sleep better.

    • Chl

      I have a small Braun alarm clock which I got so I’d have to get up and walk across the room to turn it off but it could serve your purpose.

    • SSJD

      We have two clocks in the room. One is a digital clock that has two key features: 1) it dims; 2) it projects the time onto the ceiling so that both of us can easily see it. It’s also a radio alarm clock, but we don’t use that feature.

      Second clock is an analog alarm clock that was recommended on this 5ite. The brand is Marathon. It is battery operated and glows subtly in the dark.

      I strongly endorse the idea of getting your phone far away and never looking at it when you intend to go back to sleep.

    • Anonymous

      Oooh! I can answer this one. A wood digital clock. It’s just a block of wood (very sleek and modern on a table) until you tap it and then the time is illuminated in the wood. No idea how the technology works but super cool. We received one in a friend white elephant gift swap. Though it may have simply come from Amazon.

  19. Anon Elder Millennial

    Anyone here in NYC and has taken pottery classes? My partner was really into it a long time ago and I was thinking of gifting them some for the holidays, but it’s hard to find unbiased reviews. Looking for a series rather than a single class.

  20. Anon

    Just for fun, when does your family eat Thanksgiving dinner?

    We usually gather around 4 and eat around 5:30 or 6 and hang out until 9 or so.

    We don’t do an early meal for many reasons: we want to have this as actual dinner and almost everyone in my family has different morning traditions. My entire family (brothers and I in our 20s, parents in their late 50s/early 60s) go out every year on Thanksgiving Eve, my dad, uncles, brothers and cousins all play in different Turkey bowls in the morning, my mom and I continue my late grandparents tradition and take the younger cousins (and now, my cousin’s kids) to the parade or watch it on TV, my aunt and her family like to take a long walk in park in the morning, I sometimes run a Turkey trot, etc.

    • Anon

      We eat around 3pm. I once had an in-law who got SO mad that our family ate “late” and insisted that her mother used to have everything ready to eat by 11am.

      • OP

        Wow 11 is so early! (I mean, 3 is early in my book too but 11 is shockingly early). Who has time to cook a full meal by 11am? Who is ready for a full Thanksgiving meal at 11am? I should add that I usually eat breakfast around 10AM or slightly later, so a full meal at 11 is very early!

      • Anonymous

        That is a ver weird thing to be competitive about. And who wants to eat at 11? I am just on my 2d cup of coffee then.

      • Senior Attorney

        Yes! My mom always served Thanksgiving dinner at 2 p.m. and it was so stressful getting everything ready so early. Now I serve dinner at dinnertime (guests arrive at 5) and it’s so much easier and nicer!

    • Vicky Austin

      We usually end up eating around 2. There aren’t so many morning traditions in our family though!

      • Anon

        Same! So this year we will eat at 6 pm, which is only a bit later than usual (usually around 4:00-ish).

    • Anon

      Roughly the same evening schedule unless other variables are at play. During the pandemic didn’t do turkey and had lunch outside to take advantage of warmer daytime temps. But normally eat around 6 or 7.

    • Anne-on

      We usually eat around 4, though it varies slightly depending on who is hosting (my mom aims for 3/3:30, I aim for closer to 4/4:30, my brother is the rebel who tries for 5). My parents are big on watching the parade so they show up early and we have an ‘appetizing’ spread of bagels/fish/fruit/etc. for them. My parents aren’t fancy so my husband will sometimes leave to hit the gym for a bit around 9-10, and I stay in PJs until at least 10 as I refuse to try to prep a raw turkey in anything nicer than a t-shirt. Honestly it’s nice to have grandparents arrive early so I can put them in charge of childcare while I do the hands on cooking. The rest of the family arrives closer to noon which is when the appetizers/wine get broken out.

    • anon

      Growing up, all of our holiday dinners started the same, 6 PM with matzo ball soup. The only exception was Fourth of July, which starts at the same time but lacks soup for seasonal reasons. If my family was less disordered, I think arrival at 4 or 4:30 ish with cocktails and appetizers would be fun, but everyone except me ends up fasting all day and would just talk about how hungry they are, and my parents haven’t drank in 30+ years. As the first-born, I’m looking forward to forcing this on my family one year and being disappointed lol.

      I love my family, but we seem to be bad at being a family. My husband’s family is the same, so maybe it is a cultural thing.

    • Anon

      We are mixing things up this year, so it will be different, but for the past 32 years we’ve gathered at 1, ate appetizers until 4ish, ate dinner at 4, then took all of the kids out for a walk and some running around and came back and had dessert at around 7. Good nights and good byes were around 9 or 9:30.

      This allowed everyone to have their own morning activities. A bunch of people always ran the local turkey trot, but others watched the parade and ate cinnamon rolls.

    • Anon

      We eat around 4:30 or 5. Family is all out of town and staying with us so there’s no “gathering” since everyone’s already at our house.

    • anon

      Gather at 5:30 then dinner around 6:30. I don’t know how anyone can have the meal prepared by lunchtime! Especially if you have to work a full day on Wednesday.

      • Anonymous

        I think that is the realm of the martyred housewife of the 20th century. It was a badge of burden that they got up at 4 or 5 a.m. (or earlier) to cook an entire feast from scratch by themselves. But it was a reason for them to receive and accept passing acknowledgement for their efforts from their husbands a few times a year.

    • Anon

      Eating Thanksgiving dinner before 5 blew my mind the first time I heard some people ate before then. The years I celebrate alone its a steady stream of snacking and apps and then dinner at 5 or later and then seconds and then deserts.
      This year Im doing morning Coffee, then mimosas with cinnamon rolls around 10, maaaybe a walk mid afternoon, a small cheese board late afternoon to pick at through dinner prep, dinner prep with white wine, dinner with red, seconds, and then pie and another glass of wine while skyping with my parents. followed by shoving everything in the fridge to worry about on friday and falling asleep on the couch.

    • Anon

      We eat when the turkey is done and rested and that’s the main variable. I do most of the other dishes in the 30 minutes the turkey is resting, though I prep as much as I can for that time period while the turkey is cooking.

      So dinner is as early as 2, as late as 4, but somewhere in there.

    • Doodles

      We gather around 4 or 4:30 and eat around 5:30. I’ve been hosting the last four years and also have young kids who go to bed by 8. We’re up early and I cook while the kids watch the parade and the dog show or go outside if it’s warm enough. We do a light lunch and kids nap from 1 to 3:30ish. The last few years, I’ve bought a prepared turkey at Whole Foods so then I only have to worry about the rest of the meal and reheating the turkey. It’s much easier this way because I only have one oven. Husband and I are both only children so I only host an additional 5 to 9 people.

  21. Curious

    Oh man, add me to the pile of people who are CRANKY. I feel like I haven’t taken my antidepressant in several days, but I have. Rationally I know (1) this is the time last year I got diagnosed with lymphoma, (2) I haven’t slept well and am tired because of the COVID booster, and (3) layoffs stink, but ugh I just want to feel like myself. end rant.

        • Vicky Austin

          Good! Baby is kicking me as I type. I really can’t complain! Work has kicked my butt though. Ready for things to slow down in the new year. Just gotta hang in there!

    • anon

      Completely silly suggestion – try hot chocolate with a kid left unsupervised quantity of marshmallows, made with actual milk on the stove top. At least for me, everything seems better in the world after that.

      • Curious

        Good idea. Maybe I’ll do that this afternoon. We do have all of the ingredients:)

    • Aunt Jamesina

      I’m so sorry, I’m feeling it too. My family has been through the wringer the past week with two funerals, and I just found out about another close family friend who passed away yesterday. A colleague just commented that I look so tired (I mean, I do, but…) I need this long weekend! Hugs to you, Curious. It’s a tough time of year.

      • Curious

        Thanks. You, too. We are objectively in an okay place. Thinking of you and your family this holiday. May you find at least some momentary respite.

  22. Anon

    Chapter 13 here. Payment 2 just went through. I’m now at month 2/60.

    The trustee’s attorney filed an objection to my monthly payment amount, as my lawyer predicted they would. My payment will increase starting in January. It’s painful, but I know I got myself into this mess. The good news though is that the new payment plan will pay my creditors back in full. Not only does that make me feel better ethically, but it also means that the payment amount won’t increase beyond what the new figure is. That means I can keep the money I earn from raises, bonuses, new jobs with higher pay, etc. whereas before, I would have had to report all of that to the court who would have likely taken it to apply to the bankruptcy case.

    • Anon

      I’m glad you’re getting yourself out from underneath this. Keep us updated – we are here to cheer you on!

    • Curious

      So proud of you. This is huge. I’m sorry for the increased payment and really respect your ethics here.

      • anonshmanon

        Also your silver lining approach to all this is enviable. Sending you positive vibes!

    • Anon

      I’m glad it’s working out and that you’ve got the least-worst option. All the best to you, OP!

    • Anon

      I know this is hard, but you are already 2 months in, so it will go faster than you think! Hugs.

      • Senior Attorney

        It’s true! I paid off six figures of debt 20 years ago and it seemed like such a slog at the time but truth is… it flew by and now I hardly even remember it. YOU GOT THIS!!

    • Vicky Austin

      It’ll give you immense peace of mind to know that the payment will stay the same until it’s done – and that you’ll be able to hang onto raises and the like! Way to keep pushing through. 2 down!

  23. Alone with Covid for the Holiday

    I’m on day 9 of Covid and recently developed an itchy rash. Looks like I will not be well enough to be with family this year for Thanksgiving and I’m feeling sad about it. What are your favorite things to do on holidays alone? Or tips to get through Covid?

    • Anon

      I am sorry about the rash; I got it too. It doesn’t mean you’re still contagious past the 5-day quarantine period, according to what my doctor told me; the rash is an allergic reaction to either something the virus secreted or something your body secreted in response to the infection. Like how scarlet fever is not a distinct disease from strep; it’s an allergic reaction to a toxin strep releases in the body. It was a pain to get rid of – I had to take Benadryl for several subsequent nights (and deal with the accompanying brain fog) to get it to clear up.

      As for solo holidays, I’d be inclined to get a yummy meal delivered (maybe you could get Instacart to deliver you one of the turkey dinner kits from Costco?) and eat it while watching Christmas movies.

        • Anon

          My kiddo got it when he was 3 and I freaked when the pediatrician said what it was; it used to be very serious before the advent of antibiotics, but now as long as you treat it, it is NBD. I didn’t realize what it was either until the ped explained it to me.

    • Anonymous

      I am sick for Thanksgiving this year, too, but I have spent a lot of holidays solo over the years.

      I don’t read enough books and I sometimes use a holiday alone, when I know I will be free from interruptions, to read a book cover to cover. It feels both indulgent and productive to me. I have also done a movie marathon, selecting from a list of the year’s best movies. Easy to do now that everything streams immediately.
      Another favorite thing to do is to take a long, uncharted walk when the city is quiet. That is more true on Christmas than it is on Thanksgiving, though, given all the foot races and parades and football games.

    • Carrots

      +1 to movie marathons. When I’ve had to spend holidays solo the last two years, I found creating a real structure to the day incredibly helpful. Thanksgiving ’20, I did a Star Wars marathon (all 9 movies) and then Christmas ’21, it was a Disney princess marathon. I also created full menus for myself and a list of other things to do that got me out of the apartment.

    • Anonymous

      Watch out rash and go to the doctor right away if it gets really bad. It’s called a viral exanthem and I once had one all over my entire body that required a ton of steroids to kick!!

  24. Anon

    Has anyone here with ADHD not medicated it deliberately? My daughter has ADHD (combined type). Before the pandemic we tried a bunch of meds (psychologist and psychiatrist now thinks that doctor rotated meds too much vs adjusting the dose). Then COVID hit. Throughout, kiddo reported no changes and I noticed no changes. We were going to try one more med switch and then watch the dossage but the psychiatrist has been MIA for half of the year (probably some medical issue but IDK what is going on and the practice hasn’t offered up any other doctor despite my asking repeatedly). PCP refuses to do meds because she sees this as a complex case. I want to just waive the white flag — kiddo has never had any meaningful medical help and does OK (but not great) in school and has managed to cobble together executive function that isn’t great but is probably on-par with other 8th graders. At least with no meds, going off to summer programs and eventually to college doesn’t present the med management issues or addiction / abuse / somewhat increased suicide risks (and those are scary if the were to present when away from home). But I feel that giving up is wrong unless there is really a chorus of people who say that you can live a good, functioning unmedicated life and it will be OK, changes with girls are more subtle than in boys with conduct problems (never an issue here. IDK what is right — getting in with another provider will likely take quite some time (ditto changing to another practice as a new patient). Nothing is in crisis. I just hoped that I might have made things better for my child by now (school is uniquely exhausting for her keeping everything together).

    • Anon

      Many of my relatives (mom, uncle, two cousins) weren’t diagnosed with ADHD until adulthood and then never medicated as they were used to managing without medication. We are also pretty sure I have ADHD but I have not gone through the process of getting diagnosed (it’s a hassle, things are a struggle but I’m doing fine and have been fine for 29 years, I don’t really have an interest in medication even if I was diagnosed).

      My brother was diagnosed in middle school and was medicated in middle and high school and I think part of college but has been off of medication for a while now (he’s 26). He graduated college, has a full time job and has been promoted twice, and while he does live at home currently to pay down loans, he did have an apartment with friends post-college, pre-pandemic and was fine.

      He could not have gotten through school without meds. He’s one of the smartest people I know, but even on meds, school was a struggle for him, so there was really no choice. However, he really hated the side effects of his meds and also struggled with getting the right med and right dosage, so as soon as he felt he was able to function and be successful without them, he weaned off of them.

      I have several friends with ADHD who either never were on meds or were on them briefly in middle or high school and went off of them within a few years. Not being medicated seems to be very common for people my age with ADHD. Life might be harder for us than normal people, but everyone I know who is unmedicated is a college graduate (and many with graduate degrees), has a full time job, and manages their household.

    • Anon

      Not sure about kids, but my husband wasn’t diagnosed until well into adulthood. Meds help tremendously now and he wishes he’d have been diagnosed sooner. Managed to get through grad school and big jobs regardless. He thinks it would have all been less of a struggle with proper diagnosis and treatment. I’d keep trying and look for new docs.

    • Anon

      you’ve posted previously. there are people who don’t medicate ADHD for various reasons, but usually they have other supports or techniques in place. none of this is your fault, but you might try to find a good psychiatrist and try the right kind of meds. its hard to find the right kind of practitioner, but they do exist!

    • Greensleeves

      My son with ADHD was medicated for a few years and then refused to continue taking his meds. He wasn’t complaining of any particular side effects and would never give us a good explanation. However, we did not see a significant difference in school or behavior after he stopped and given that he was a teenager at that point (so pretty hard to “force” him to take them), we didn’t push back very much on his decision to quit. It was also hard to find a med that was effective for him in the first place. He’s doing fine for now, so unless and until that changes he’ll stay unmedicated.

      I also have ADHD and have had the same problem finding an effective medication, and I worked with a psychiatrist that was very methodical about trying different meds and adjusting the dosages before moving on to another. Some of us just don’t respond very well! I eventually found one that was helpful and took it for years. Now I’m at a point where it doesn’t seem to be helping very much anymore and we’re going to discuss that at my next appointment. I was not diagnosed until my 40s and I managed it on my own, with no idea that I had it, until I suddenly couldn’t anymore.

      We’re pretty sure our youngest daughter also has ADHD, but it doesn’t seem to affect her performance at school, so we’ve never pursued a diagnosis or medication for her. I’m not sure they would diagnose/medicate her if we did because they usually want to see that it’s impacting your life in more than one sphere and I don’t think her teachers are seeing an issue. She’s very physically active and I think that helps her a lot.

      All of that to say, some people are hard to medicate and it’s ok to not medicate if it isn’t really helping. But if she’s struggling, I think it’s worth the effort to try to find a better doctor who will work to find the right meds for her. Even if you don’t do that now, be aware and educate her that she may hit a point later in life where she suddenly isn’t able to juggle everything without help anymore and that it’s important to get help at that point.

    • Anne-on

      Have you looked into executive functioning coaching and talk therapy? If you aren’t going to go with meds I think she’d benefit from an ‘outlet’ for the energy and really clear/easy to follow guidance on routines and a place to discuss anxiety/struggles (that isn’t with you). I didn’t realize I had ADHD until my son was diagnosed and did ‘ok’ without meds but had significant anxiety/shame/depression around my ‘bad’ work habits. I think that identifying some activity that helps her excess energy PLUS strong routines and clearly broken out guidance for things like how to make a study guide, how to make checklists to ensure her materials/bag are packed, routines for how she organizes her clothing and does laundry, etc. can make a huge difference.
      Also expect that she may need more help in college and transitioning to adult life. One good thing about my hands off boomer parents was that I was taught how to meal plan/grocery shop/clean/pay bills/etc. in high school because it became my job to help my mom run the household from about 13 onward. That clear instruction on how to ‘adult’ seems much less common now.

    • Anonymous

      Please, please, please find your daughter a new doctor who will try out different dosages as well as different meds. If she truly needs meds, holding it together without meds is totally exhausting. And you need to get this worked out before she gets to high school and everything falls apart at a time when grades and learning the material as a foundation for future courses truly matter.

      • Anon

        I’m not giving up today. It just seems likely that all health care providers throw up their hands or we never get out of the queue. MyChart messages are like “do you want a new provider?” and I’m all “can no one else in your practice see us while X is out?” while wanting to scream “do you think 6 months of delays is acceptable care?” and realizing that they really don’t care and why do I even want to use this practice except it is easier for our PCP as they are all hospital-owned practices that actually share records with each other.

    • Anon

      The meds really don’t work well for everyone. ADHD can involve dopamine, norepinephrine, or acetylcholine, or (probably) any combination. Most of the meds target dopamine (though Qelbree and Strattera target norepinephrine; I am only familiar with OTCs for acetylcholine).

      I think I worry less about going unmedicated for ADHD itself (which to me seems like a choice) and more about potential medical comorbidities going unaddressed, if there are any (like hypermobility syndrome or connective tissue disease, nutritional deficiencies, sleep disorder, etc., that could be treated to avoid future health issues). But often there are no medical comorbidities anyway! But for me there were, and getting these addressed helped me more than ADHD meds ever did.

      Jonathan Mooney is a wonderful voice for living life with ADHD without medicating.

    • pugsnbourbon

      It sounds like your providers have really let you both down.

      I can’t speak to kids and meds, but I know a half-dozen women who got ADHD diagnoses as adults and have described the meds as life changing. Theses are all successful women with strong careers, but the theme among them is “oh, this didn’t have to be so hard this whole time.” So your daughter could definitely have a great life, great career, but it could be much harder on her than it would be for someone without ADHD. Could you find a different PCP? Telehealth with a licensed psychiatric nurse?

      • ELS

        I am one of these women. I am 37, and was diagnosed at 35. I was successful and had managed up until my diagnosis and appropriate medication, but finding a combination that works for me has been literally life-changing.

        That said – I’m not on a stimulant anymore. I was for a short while after diagnosis, but I didn’t want to take a stimulant if I did not have to for many of the reasons you seem worried about. I’m now on Wellbutrin and Strattera, with a low dose of trazodone to help with sleep. The stimulant was slightly more effective for me, but I am doing well and have been able to set up new routines to help with my executive function.

    • Anonamom

      Yes. ADHD runs very, very strong in my family. I spent about 5 years purposefully not using medication as a treatment for a variety of reasons. If either of my kids have ADHD, I don’t plan on doing meds until at least middle/high school. Given my own experience with a variety of mental health meds, I’d rather wait until my kids can self-reflect enough to discuss how the medications are affecting them at a level I was not able to do in elementary school.

      IMO, the best treatment for ADHD without meds is (1) regular, fairly high intensity exercise, (2) time spent outside in nature, (3) individualized coaching from a professional with a deep knowledge of ADHD, and (4) consistent individualized support from parents and teachers.

      Good luck!

      • Peloton

        +1 to high intensity exercise and time outside. I do HIIT indoors and long, long runs outdoors when the weather permits. Critical to managing my ADHD.

    • Anon

      My son was diagnosed with ADHD inattentive type at age 11 by a neuropsychologist. He recommended we try therapy and coaching before moving to medication and our family physician agreed. We got a “success coach” (referral came through the neuropsych) who worked with our son on organizational and executive functioning skills. We also had him go to a few cognitive behavioral therapy sessions. His grades immediately went up and have stayed up. Medication is always there for him if he feels he needs it, but he’s doing well and so no need to fix what’s not broken,until he says otherwise.

      • Anon

        I have one ADHD kid that we never got around to trying medication for (girl, inattentive type; pandemic). She fell apart during a year of zoom school but has it back together, as much as a tween can be. But will watch it. I think my generation had a lot of inattentive ADHD that was largely ignored b/c kids weren’t disuptive, but many underachieved in a way that carries scars — think they are dumb and slow and they were really just wired differently.

    • Peloton

      I was medicated for ADHD from 8-13 and was taken off Ritalin when I was 5’9 and weighing 108 pounds. I have made it through high school, college, law school, and nearly a decade of practice just fine. Was it harder for me than for others? Yes. Did having to learn to manage around my own ADHD provide surprising benefits? Also yes.

      Before you say “oh it must not have been that bad”: there is a reason I was diagnosed at 8. I was also part of a research study on ADHD from 10-15 at a name brand university. Probably interacted with a dozen ADHD researchers over that time and was re-evaluated many times. I very very much have ADHD. Full bore, full blast ADHD. I am grateful for the way my brain works, challenges and all, and do not regret going unmedicated at all despite the times it was really really hard.

  25. Traveler

    Need some advice and/or referrals

    I am now several months into my cancer treatment – chemoradiation is done, chemo infusions have started. Given the side effects of my first round of chemo, I have decided I need to take some kind of formal medical leave. My direct boss has been supportive so far of just taking days whenever I need them, but given the carnage ongoing in tech I want to be sure I don’t make a mis-step and get tagged as an underperformer and get laid off!

    I will need more leave than FMLA protects for — probably 5-6 months given how much treatment I still have ahead of me.

    I am the sole income for my family, in the US on a work visa. I need to ensure I don’t jeopardize either my health insurance or immigration status. My company has good policies, but I’d like an experienced advisor in my corner (willing to hire a professional)… any words of wisdom, or referrals to someone I should talk to?

    Location is California.

    • Anon

      You’ll be protected beyond FMLA in CA, call Hillary Benham-Baker for good employee side advice.

      • Anon

        Yes, I’m not an expert on this, but most CA workers pay into additional disability insurance, so make sure to see if you’re eligible for that.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t have any specific referrals, but as a cancer survivor, I’m sending you all the good karma and healing light I can. Do you have an HR department? I’m start there.

    • Nesprin

      That sounds an awful lot like you need an immigration lawyer since the worst thing would be getting laid off and having to leave your home and medical team mid treatment.

      • Anon

        Start with an employment lawyer who can refer as necessary. There’s a lot of employment law protection here to understand first.

    • chemo

      I can’t speak to the referrals that others are giving, which sound great, but I am pretty knowledgeable about chemo.

      I encourage you to aggressively communicate to your oncologist, the oncology RN who is administering your chemo, and any other other doctor involved in your care what your side effects were with chemo that were so bad after one treatment that you are making these important decisions. Because it often takes a few treatments to figure out the best medications/adjustments that need to be made so that the chemo is more tolerable. This can be anything from change the anti-nausea medicines/pain medicines/steroid doses/speed of chemo administration and more. Most side effects can be improved, and if you don’t ask AGGRESSIVELY for help, you will get undertreated. I promise you. Especially as a woman. And when possible (I hate to say this….), bring a family member with you to appointments to be your advocate… as a woman.

      Many oncologists are good at treating cancer, but not great at treating people. Quality of life. Side effects. If you need help with energy, sleep, mood, appetite, nausea, constipation, pain or really anything… ask ask ask. It can always be better. If your oncologist is not great with this, hopefully the chemo RN will be better. Even better if you have a primary care doctor you like who can be your advocate and an additional trouble shooter throughout.

      Don’t accept side effects as normal and inevitable. It can always be better. I promise you.

      • Traveler

        Thanks for the recommendations… agree with all of them. I am in care of a great medical team & they are being very proactive. I did 5.5 weeks of chemo-radiation prior to the chemo which also brought with it a debilitating amount of nausea, so my experience with first round of chemo isn’t unexpected. Care team is has already increased my nausea meds, bringing me back to clinic for more IV meds etc.

        I will have 3 days of infusion every 2 weeks (1 in clinic + 2 more on a pump). Days 4-6 are typically the hardest days on this Chemo regimen (FOLFOX) — which would basically leave me working every 2nd week, leaving me in perpetual catch up mode. I have 8 more rounds of chemo to go before major surgery.

      • Curious

        +1; although I couldn’t work during chemo no matter what, the first and second round were the worst due to a med reaction that we got figured out after an ER visit.

        And I’m so, so sorry; doing this on a visa just sucks double or triple. Looks like you got a good referral above. Keep asking. I always felt dumb asking for help (“others have it worse”), but looking back, all of the help I asked for was incredibly worth it.

        Sending all my love.

    • Coach Laura

      I’m not an expert but have previously been on personal FMLA (intermittent) for my chemo-related absences and am currently on FMLA for my husband’s cancer. I was on intermittent leave but I’ve been on full leave since July and started FMLA in 1/2022 so I have a few month’s protection left.

      Federal FMLA gives up to 12 months. I don’t know where the 4-5 month figure comes from and I’ve been told that California has more protections than federal FMLA.

      The FMLA provisions say that you are guaranteed to get “a” job when you return but after a certain point (maybe 4-5 months) the employer does not need to hold your specific position and instead when you return can give you another position. I encourage you to take all the time that you can.

      The other thing is that you are very unlikely to be laid off while claiming FMLA because, like a pregnant person, laying off an ill worker has bad optics and employers worry that they will be accused of discrimination against an ill person. So, even if you are on intermittent FMLA (taking days as needed), I doubt that you would be tagged as a low performer and laid off. This isn’t a guarantee, but comes from experience in HR and in management positions in corporations of various sizes for almost 50 years.

      With the visa issues and the primary breadwinner and medical insurance, I echo the others that you should consult an employment attorney for peace of mind. Good luck and wishing you a quick recovery.

  26. Anon

    Greetings from Santa Fe, where I am wrapping up a long weekend almost exclusively planned by crowdsourcing from all of you! Absolutely loved everything and just wanted to thank you all for being so wonderful and generous with your recommendations.

    Meow Wolf: fantastic, dazzling, so much fun
    Folk Art Museum: what a gem! I loved it!
    O’Keefe Museum: this was fine but I was a tiny bit underwhelmed, maybe because I’ve seen some of her larger works elsewhere that really blew me away?
    Canyon Road galleries: more than I could see in one visit. I will be back!

    Loved just wandering around downtown and the plaza and popping into shops and galleries. The artist community is so inspiring!

    Ate at Cafe Pasquale’s, Tomasita’s, and The Shed and all were excellent. There weren’t enough meals in my trip to eat at all the places I wanted to try!

    • pugsnbourbon

      We were out all day Saturday – I wonder if we walked past each other and didn’t even know it. I’m glad you had a good time, sorry it was so cold!

      • Anon

        It’s very possible! You have such a lovely city. Even in the cold, the sun makes it feel pleasant!

    • Anonymous

      I am headed that way for work in a few weeks and hoping I can find some time for at least one fun thing. If not, recommendations for the best dinner restaurant?

      • pugsnbourbon

        I would try Casa Chimayo or Horno for dinner – they’ll be walking distance if you’re staying near the plaza. La Boca has great tapas. The Shed has great reviews but is almost always packed and doesn’t take reservations. For higher-end dining, there’s Geronimo, Sazon and Coyote Cafe (not the Cantina) – we haven’t tried these but our foodie groups love them. Paloma is off the plaza but is another great stop.

        For breakfast/brunch, there’s Henry and the Fish (our fave) Palacio, Iconik Coffee, Modern General and Who’s Donuts.

        If you only have time for one fun thing, I’d go to the Keshi Zuni shop. It’s all f*tishes and jewelry purchased directly from artists on the pueblos. It’s so fun to pick the one that speaks to you. The IAIA museum is right on the plaza and a good way to fill a couple of hours.

  27. Anonymous

    Venting post –

    Feeling kind of crabby this morning ( a little holiday overwhelm) and am unbelievably irritated by the number of unsolicited work emails I get from companies that want to sell me something either related to my area (in house law) or something related to Ops, Finance, etc. I have special rage for the ones that send me their calendar and tell me to put myself on it, then follow up with a note asking why I have not done so, like I owe them a reply??? Have started using the block feature in outlook for anyone who does this. Used to be nicer about it, but I just can’t tolerate anymore- this can be as many a 1 to 2 dozen per week.

    Is it me, or has the number of these gotten worse? I try not to sign up for anything with my work email but somehow it is out there getting sold repeatedly.

    Rant over.

    • Aunt Jamesina

      Ugh, I’ve experienced a ton of this since the pandemic. And lots of voicemails, too, which are decidedly not my love language. If it’s a vendor or person I need to work with periodically, I’ll first send a “thank you, I’ll reach out if I need anything” and then ignore. If it’s a business I never work with, then I just ignore it entirely. I imagine a lot of them are being tracked on these metrics and they probably hate it as much as we do.

    • Anon

      You need to not get so angry about them! Just ignore them and forget about them! They’re salespeople, they don’t actually think they’re going to get you on the phone or get time with you.

      • Anonymous

        I agree. As a partner at a small firm, I get a lot. (No, I am not the person who selects our phone provider, manages our records, or buys our software, and my rates are too high for your client referral service.) If you take them seriously, they can get under your skin. In particular, they use sales tactics designed to make you feel guilty about not responding. But that is what they are — sales tactics. They are making dozens or hundreds of cold contacts each day hoping for just one response. Delete and move on.

  28. Where should I buy ice skates?

    Anyone have suggestions for where I can buy ice skates? Would buying ice skates from Target be a mistake? Context is I am a super beginner, looking to take weekly classes at our local rink to learn how to stop, turn, etc, and it seemed like I should just buy them instead of renting them every time. Not trying to start a new career.

    • MagicUnicorn

      Does your local rink have a shop? All the rinks in our area sell skates in their pro shops, usually new and used (although used sizes can be hit or miss). Bonus is that they will fit you and make sure the skates are properly sharpened. The used ones are cleaned and refurbished and are a much better deal cost-wise, especially for casual use.

      We also have a lot of smaller, independent sporting goods stores that sell skates this time of year.

    • Anon

      Having skates that fit well will make a huge difference in how much you enjoy these classes. I’d ask at the rink if they have a recommendation. They might have a shop or a online swap site where people sell used skates, otherwise I’d go to a local sporting goods shop over Target. Play it Again Sports or something similar could also be good if you want to save money, but may or may not have them in stock.

    • Anona

      I think D*cks Sporting Good stores would have a better selection than Target, if you want a chain store.

    • anon

      I bought mine at a sports store, like Dick’s (it wasn’t Dick’s but I forgot what it was). I bought juniors hockey skates, which I feel is more comfortable and easier to learn with as a beginner compared to figure skates, but YMMV.

    • Anon

      Ask the local rink for advice. I’m guessing that like many hobbies, buying the cheapest available is actually not the way to go.

    • Anonymous

      You are looking at group figure skating lessons but haven’t started yet? If so, rent skates for at least the first couple of classes and then talk to the rink pro shop. You need a relatively stiff boot that is properly fitted, with the right type of blades properly mounted. There are all sorts of different boots and blades available for different skill levels and disciplines, so you need expert guidance. If you don’t want to spend a lot of money, high-quality used skates will be better for a beginner than cheap skates. If you are taking private lessons, ask your coach to point you to a skate shop or boot fitter.

  29. Anon

    I don’t need a new job, and wasn’t even looking, but a friend recommended a job at her non-profit to me. It has better pay/benefits than my current job and a more interesting scope so I jumped on applying. I was rejected by HR within hours (I am under the understanding that my application never made it to the hiring manager), which is obviously fine (we don’t get an interview, let alone an offer, for every job we apply for – I get it and am fine with that) but very weird for a few reasons.

    My friend is friends with the hiring manager and I know they want to hire ASAP and that there haven’t been a ton of applicants yet. The job requires some very niche technical experience in a few different areas that is honestly a unique combination to have. I have years of experience in 3 of the 4 areas and volunteer/student experience in the 4th area. The job wanted 8-10 years of experience, I have 9.5 so I squarely hit that requirement. The job requires a bachelors and prefers a masters, I am working on a masters and set to graduate in August. I was also officially recommended to the job by my friend (who is a former coworker that I stayed close with – so she can vouch for my work product). My friend was hoping to mention this to the hiring manager, but with the holidays probably will not get a chance to do so.

    Like I said, it’s totally fine that I didn’t even get referred to the hiring manager but it’s very weird to me as to why. It’s bugging me way more than it should!

    • Anon

      HR or applicant management systems screened you out. Tell your friend you were rejected within hours and leave it at that.

      • Anon

        I’m aware that’s what happened, but it seems odd that it was rejected (and my friend agrees). She’s hoping to talk to the hiring manager next week, which hopefully isn’t too late.

        • Anon

          Trying to figure out exactly why some algorithm rejected you is probably not a good use of your time and energy.

          • Anon

            That’s fair, but also worth exploring a little bit so I know better for next time.

            I think I would really like to work for this organization in the future, so would like to learn what I did wrong to get screened out for the next time I apply!

          • Anon

            +1 this hand wringing over key word search algorithm is silly. If they really want to hire you/your friend knows the hiring manager, why can’t friend send an email/message today explaining what happened? I reach out to hiring manager’s on the behalf if personal connections all the time.

    • Anonymous

      It’s likely an auto-rejection based on some (lack of) mystery keyword, or a glitch. Does your friend know yet that your application was rejected? Could she not simply talk to the hiring manager and pass along your resume?

      • Anon

        Yup, she knows. She is hoping to pass my info along to the hiring manager (she asked for my resume/cover letter as soon as I told her I was rejected), but the hiring manager was out last week and my friend is out all of this week for Thanksgiving, so they can’t connect til next week. Hoping it’s not too late!

        Having worked in government, I’m really good about including keywords word for word in my resume. It does seem like there may be a glitch on their job site, as I’ve seen the other cases where the same job (not this position, but one identical job posting being up and down) be put up and taken down several times in the last week.

          • Anon

            She’s doing me a favor so I’m not going to dictate how she does it. I also don’t know the inner workings of the non-profit’s culture and how things like this would be handled there.

            My friend is also flying across the country today for a week-long, very stressful family holiday so I’m trying to get this on her radar without being annoying, as I know she’s already stressed.

    • Anon

      Just resend your stuff to your friend, tell her you applied and she can pass it on. Most companies can internally override a rejection.

      • Anon

        Oh for sure, and we’re already planning on this. It’s just a shame that you almost need someone on the inside to even get your application looked at!

    • brokentoe

      Did your resume/application use the specific buzz words present in the job announcement/description? If it’s being screened by software, without the key words or phrases used in the posting, your application will not always move ahead. Had the same thing happen to me several years ago before I realized I needed to sprinkle the important words and phrases into my resume.

      • Anon

        Yes! I have a comment in mod, but I work in government and so I’m well-versed in using buzzwords exactly as written in the description in my resume.

    • Anon

      Ask your friend to forward your resume to the hiring manager.

      True story: I have a former co-worker that was rejected by the automated application system at a company she applied to and her resume never even made it to the hiring manager through the system and the regular HR channels. Low and behold, she asked asked a friend who worked there to send her resume to the hiring manager, and she ended up being the person they hired!!! The applicant systems are the worst!

  30. Anon

    How do you decide what percentage of your income to save versus allow yourself to spend? What is your thought process around it?

    Additional question: how do you figure out what you can afford? I have a gym membership that’s $300 a month for example, and though it doesn’t make it so I can’t save, I sometimes wonder if it’s frivolous and outside my income bracket based on what others may think…

    • Anon

      We don’t earn as much as many people here, but we max retirement, contribute a bit to college funds and spend the rest. Retirement contributions are about 30% of our pre-tax HHI. We define what we can “afford” based on what we can buy with the post-tax, post-retirement contribution money. And priorities are obviously a factor too since we can’t buy everything we might want.

    • Anon

      Savings dollar values and percentages are dependent upon income. I know people who save more every year than many other people earn in income.

      As for your $300/month gym membership: does it make you happier than any other use of $300? Can you find another gym for $100/month or $150/month that is still great? I think of those things as “Sure this more expensive thing is better, but is it $200/month better?” The answer is almost always no. Are you comfortable cutting back in other areas so that this is your one indulgence?

    • anon

      Gym memberships are so personal, and it’s hard to give advice without more information. $300 seems high, but there are so many factors that go into whether you actually use a gym membership–weather in your area, convenience to home or work, availability of parking and machines at the time you go, classes if that’s your thing, facilities like a pool or pickleball court, etc. And while exercise is healthy for everyone, some people really need it to maintain their physical and mental health. So a pricy membership to a gym you actually use may save you a lot of money on doctors’ appointments, drugs, therapy, etc., especially in the long run.

      If your $300/mo gym has features that make it easy or fun for you to exercise, and you can’t find those at a cheaper gym, and you actually use your gym membership, then I’d look to cut costs elsewhere.

      • Anonymous

        These are the factors I used to justify keeping my own $300/mo gym membership when my income dropped. I have had many $50/mo gym memberships that I did not use. This one is walkable from my home and I actually go regularly and get programming to follow so I am actually making progress. I am convinced I am saving in the long run and may have already saved myself a lot of injury-related medical bills because I was strong and fit and able to mitigate falls and other potential injuries. If I paid $300/mo on necessary prescription drugs, psychotherapy, or PT, no one would really bat an eye.

    • Abby

      Caveat that I haven’t done this in 2022 because life has been nuts but historically this is how I think about budget.
      I have an excel with total income for the entire year, breaking out insurance, savings I 100% want, further broken down by month. Then I have categories of how much my monthly spending is on average per category: Mortgage, Car, Gas, Utilities, etc until I have a category for absolutely anything I’d spend my money on.
      I have my excel set up to carry over an excess or overage I spent for the month, so my vacation bucket for instance is building up until I need it. I’d add in your gym membership, and see if you can live happily with the funds allocated that way.

      • Anon

        I do this, too. I start with the percentages I want to save and invest. This is non-negotiable. It’s a big percentage. After that, I can spend the rest guilt-free.

      • Anonymous

        This! I have an excel spreadsheet budget and update it every time I get a new job or decent raise. I look at where all my money goes each month and the amount that is left over after rent, utilities, car insurance, entertainment budget, dining, etc. If I’m not happy with the amount remaining I adjust the budget accordingly. If you Can afford a $300 gym, great! If not, figure out what you value and adjust your budget. Bottom line, you need to see it all written out in black and white to make this decision and it comes down to what you value.

    • Anon

      I have this thought all the time too and I don’t know the answer. I work for government so I can do both a 457 and 401k, and because I’ve used every raise in years to increase my retirement savings, I max out both plus my ROTH. That’s almost 40% of my gross. I also try to put away some cash every month towards annual vacations. I have a healthy emergency fund and I inherited a decent chunk of money that is set aside for a downpayment (I’m not ready to buy right now though). I feel like I’m hitting every financial goal possible so I can spend the rest, but honestly there’s not that much left and I worry I am deferring too much and not enjoying my money enough. And of course I irrationally worry that I should be saving more cash but unless I literally never spend money on anything at all optional, that’s just not feasible.

    • Anonymous

      Percentages don’t make sense to me. X% of $100,000 is a lot easier to save than X% of $50,000.

      I budget by listing all my fixed and variable monthly expenses, comparing the total with my monthly take-home pay, and then deciding whether I want to make adjustments to increase savings. Then I set up an automatic transfer of the savings amount each paycheck and use an envelope-style tracking system to manage the rest.

    • Peloton

      HHI, but here you go. We max 401ks and any other pre-tax savings accounts we would use. Also max ESPP. We invest 33% of take-home base salary and 100% of any bonuses (which are small in our industries). Live on 66% of take-home pay.

      Setting that aside…for a long time, my gym and race entry fees were my largest personal expenditure. Other expenditures have now caught up as I’ve progressed in my career, but if you love the gym and like exercising, it’s hard for me to think of a better use of $300.

  31. Vicky Austin

    What’s everybody listening to and enjoying these days? I’ve been on an 18-month-long Taylor Swift kick but baby can hear now and I feel like I need to mix it up at least a little bit!

    • Senior Attorney

      I watched to the live Elton John farewell concert on Disney Plus last night an HIGHLY recommend watching it and also diving into EJ’s catalog of tunes. It’s the soundtrack of my youth and it totally holds up!

      • pugsnbourbon

        I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues and Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters are my favorite car sing-alongs.

        • Senior Attorney

          I have had I Guess That’s Why They Call it the Blues in my head for 16 hours now…

    • pugsnbourbon

      I started my playlist of Christmas Songs I Can Tolerate. There are only 14 songs, which include:

      – Last Christmas, Wham version (no Whamaggedon for me, thx)
      – Mariah Carey’s All I Want for Christmas – might be the last year for this one
      – All I Want for Christmas Is You by Vince Vance and the Valiants (totally different from MC’s and arguably better, my dad’s favorite)
      – songs from A Charlie Brown Christmas
      – Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas by Judy Garland, which is so desperately SAD

      I’ve also been listening to the Unexplained podcast. The narrator’s voice rivals Phoebe Judge’s.

      • Jules

        Check out P.J. Morton’s Christmas album. I love his version of All I Want for Christmas is You, and most of the other songs are really good, too.

    • Aunt Jamesina

      My poor baby was fed a steady in utero auditory diet of NPR and pandemic-era WFH quiet, hah.

  32. Present Anon

    I know we have discussed it a lot here, but please give me the words to send in an email or text to family to ask them to contribute to children’s college funds rather than send toys or other presents this holiday. We live far from all of our family so no gifts are exchanged in person. I think some of my family likes the process of gift shopping and sending a thing to open while others are doing it out of obligation, but they don’t know my kids very well so gifts often miss the mark. I appreciate that they are trying and willing to do something, so I’d like to offer a 529 contribution option as a way to say both that we don’t need more toys and this may be an easier option for them with a long-lasting impact.

    • Anon

      Good luck, and maybe you will get some family members to give you something more useful to you, but I just don’t think donating to a college fund is as appealing giving a child a gift for them where they are now.

      • Anon

        I agree – grandparents and the like probably want to give the children a gift they’ll enjoy now (or that the grandparents think they’ll enjoy now, if they don’t know your kids well) and I think it’s hard to politely dictate a request like this.

        Since it sounds like your kids aren’t close with their extended family, it might also come off as hurtful if there’s nothing to open. Like oh we don’t see Grammy often enough so she stopped giving us gifts, as a 529 contribution might be hard for a kid to conceptualize.

        Maybe you could compromise and ask for a small gift and the rest of what they’d have spent to be used on a 529 contribution? If you’d rather practical gifts rather than more toys, then ask for those (very specifically, with links), and then spend the money you’d normally spend on whatever those gifts were and put it in the 529. This isn’t phrased well, but if you know your kid needs a new pair of soccer cleats, send a relative a link for the exact link, your kid gets to open something that is not only fun but also makes them feel like whatever long-lost relative “knows” them, your relative gets the satisfaction of a gift and maybe learns something about your kid and now you don’t have to spend the $60 on cleats, so you can put it in the 529.

        I don’t know how much your relatives usually spend on gifts, but my parents do $75 per grandchild. Even 18 years worth of $75 donations isn’t going to make enough of a dent in a 529 that I’d bother asking for this instead of gifts.

        • pugsnbourbon

          +1. If they’re physical gift-givers, I can’t think of a way to ask for the 529 contribution that doesn’t come off as rude. Supplies for hobbies and extracurriculars, like Anon suggested above, are a great idea.

      • Anonymous

        Agreed, and there is a reason for this, especially given that your family is far-flung. Relatives want the kids to “know” them even if from afar. “You’re the one who gave me the giant teddy bear” undergirded my relationship with a niece for years. But here is a suggested alternative — perhaps suggest to these relatives that they send something to the family that will create/support a holiday tradition. E.g., Aunt Linda, I would love for the children to have advent calendars each year for the holidays Would you like to be the one who sends us advent calendars at Thanksgiving each year? Uncle Joe, the kids love to make gingerbread houses for the holidays. There are some kits online every year. Perhaps each year you could send us one of those kits.
        Or whatever fits (ornaments, matching winter-themed socks, etc.) that can last into the years when the kids understand, appreciate, and acknowledge an otherwise invisible monetary gift.

        • Anonymous

          Adding that while I also mostly agree that you should give up on trying to control what others give you, I was incredibly relieved to receive this kind of guidance from a family member because I really struggled each year to figure out what to give her kids that would be age and interest appropriate, esp. as someone without kids who also did not really know her kids. In retrospect, I am pretty sure she was relieved her kids stopped getting toys with dozens of parts from me.

      • Anonymous

        +1. Unless your kids are seniors in high school, I think most relatives would feel like a gift to their college fund was a gift to you, not to your kids.

      • Anon

        It’s also a gift to the parents, not the child (especially if your family culture is that parents pay for college – mine is, I know YMMV).

    • Anon

      Maybe something along the lines of, “In an attempt to reduce waste as we have all the toys we need, we’d like to open up the option to contribute to a 529 contribution in place of a gift.” Something critical here I’d specify is you’d be thinking in terms of $25 or $50 max as a contribution. If I saw a contribution request to a 529, I’d think it has to be in the hundreds or thousands to be meaningful, which I wouldn’t be open to unless I was a grandparent. Make sure you explicitly state that you aren’t expecting more in monetary value for the contribution than you would for a gift.

    • Let it go

      Honestly, I’d give up on the idea of controlling what other people gift you and your kids. If they ask for input, then yes of course tell them. But if they aren’t asking you, there’s no non-rude way to do this.

      • Anon

        Agree with this.
        An idea for you, let the relatives buy gifts to open and you put aside what you planned to spend on the kids in the 529.
        You probably don’t want to because that’s no fun, which is likely how your relatives would see it too.

      • Anon

        Agreed. I feel like there are often questions on here about how to get their family members to give money or gift cards for occasions that are not typically cash occasions. The answer is that there is no non-rude way to ask for a specific gift unless someone asks you what you want. I’d be very put off by an unsolicited request to send a $25 check instead of buying my niece $25 of lip gloss or whatever fun thing kids are excited about these days.

      • Senior Attorney

        Exactly. There is no way for you to initate the conversation that won’t be distasteful at the very best.

    • Presents Anon

      Thank you all for your kind and thoughtful comments. I think you hit the nail on the head of why I’ve been struggling with this so much in that no matter what wording I thought of, it either feels rude or like a present to us as parents. I like the idea of giving them a “thing” each year! Thanks again for the ideas.

  33. Anon

    Today’s Google doodle is a very interesting story of a woman in science. Please don’t miss it!

  34. Anon

    I have a random and maybe silly question. How do you all wear blazers or cardigans under your winter coats/parkas to work without getting the sleeves all wrinkled of your blazer or cardigan? I live in the cold Midwest and wear a North Face parka (or my Mackage parka if below 20 degrees) to drive to work and walk a few blocks into work. When I have worn a blazer or cardigan underneath the sleeves seem to get wrinkled a bit. Should I just carry my blazer or cardigan instead?

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