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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
If you're in the market for cashmere sweaters, now is the time to buy. I like Nordstrom's Halogen line for soft, well-priced cashmere. This V-neck is available in a wide range of colors and is on sale for less than $50. In my experience, these sweaters haven't been super thick, so they're nice for layering under blazers if your office is particularly chilly this time of year. For cleaning, I've had pretty good luck using lingerie bags and putting them in the washing machine on delicate, but the tags do recommend dry cleaning.
The sweater is $49, marked down from $98, and available in sizes XS–XXL. V-Neck Cashmere Sweater
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Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.
Sales of note for 9.16.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 30% off wear-now styles
- J.Crew Factory – (ends 9/16 PM): 40% off everything + extra 70% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Extra 25% off all tops + markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
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Anonymous
I had some cashmere sweaters that last year I was fretting was too boxy and short to be anything but weekend wear. Well . . . I’m glad I hung onto them b/c this year they are on-trend! I did double down and got two more (black from Everlane and Cream from BR) that are more polished. But since our office is casual, they are all still office-wear :)
Anon
Too boxy and short has been on trend for years now! I’m so sick of it.
anon
Same! I have a long torso, and the cropped sweater look is just comically ridiculous on me.
Ellen
I love good cashemere sweaters, and have found that the Saks house line has very nice colors. I recommend the hive go and have a look. They are not very expensive b/c they are soon coming out with their Spring line. YAY!!
NYC - employment lawyer rec?
I am planning to leave my job but I want to negotiate an exit package and want to discuss my options with an employment lawyer. Does anyone have any good employee-focused lawyer recommendations in NYC?
Thanks!
anonshmanon
My understanding is that you only get a severance package when they lay you off, not when you decide to leave.
Anon
I assumed she’s leaving because her employer is doing something that she could sue them for; she wants to just quit instead, but negotiate some compensation as part of going quietly.
Anon
What are your favorite drugstore (or just less expensive) skincare or makeup dupes? Here are some that I like:
ELF Brow Wow (for Glossier Boy Brow)
Pixi Endless Shade Stick (for Laura Mercier caviar stick)
Currently using Ordinary’s lactic acid + HA for Good Genes – liking it so far but haven’t been using it long.
Derma-E’s C serum instead of Ole Henricksen’s truth serum (not really a dupe, just a less expensive C + HA that I like)
BabyAssociate
NYX Epic Ink eyeliner (for Stila Stay All Day)
Worry About Yourself
Oooh, I need to check that out, Stila’s eyeliner is my go-to!
pugsnbourbon
+a million. I use this eyeliner every day (I use an eyelid primer as well but my lids are exceptionally oily). It lasts forever, both on my face and the tube itself.
Anonymous
Recently finished a jar of Bye Bye Undereye and couldn’t make it to Sephora. A girlfriend recommended Boots no 7 eye cream. One quick (ha!) trip to Target, and a week of use later, I’m pleasantly surprised. $22, will likely repurchase.
Monday
Essence mascara, which is super cheap at Ulta, works best for me out of all those I’ve tried at all price points. I have a lot of mascara problems due to oily eyelids and working long shifts, so this is a strong endorsement.
Anon
Good to know about the Pixi stick – I LOVE the Laura Mercier carviar sticks but they’re so dang expensive.
Not a dupe, but I use Cerave hydrating cleanser and PM moisturizer, and The Ordinary toner and serums. I’m really happy I don’t rely on expensive products for my skincare.
TheElms
For other dupes of the Laura Mercier cavier stick I also like Maybelline’s Eyestudio ColorTattoo Concentrated Crayon and NYX Jumbo Eyeliner Pencil. I’ll have to try the Pixi stick because that one is new to me. Yay, fun new thing!
emeralds
Along these lines, does anyone have a cruelty-free BB cream with SPF that you like? I’m looking for some not-super-painful ways to trim my budget and my current BB cream is like, $40.
I’ve been using mascara, eyeliner, and eyebrow pencil from e.l.f. for a while now, and I like them all. I recently started the Ordinary’s vitamin c serum and feel like it’s given my skin some nice brightness.
YoungandDumb
Not sure if it’s cruelty free, but I’ve been using the Maybelline Dream BB Cream (I think that’s what it’s called) since college…both the pink and blue tubes. The only discernible difference between the two is viscosity (the pink bottle formula is thicker and closer to a standard foundation). One caveat is that it has an extremely limited shade range. I’m a POC w/ medium brown skin and found that medium/deep blended into my skin perfectly. I was actually recommended the product by my caucasian friend who is quite pale and uses their lightest shade.
It’s cheap enough to be worth a try!
emeralds
Thanks, will look into that one!
Anon
Switching from basic makeup to no makeup has been a real boon to the budget (including my time budget). However, I hate shopping and don’t find joy in hunting down the perfect shade so YMMV. Just throwing it out there that if budget is a concern, you might be surprised at just how little you miss your former “must have” products.
Anon
I personally couldn’t do it and, tbh, in today’s world going to no makeup is almost seen as rebellious and a privilege for the clear skinned with natural color to their face. Some of us look dead with no makeup ma’am. No thanks!
But thank you for the always expected “hey ladies, let’s just not do XYZ thing that the entire topic revolves around which is an obvious choice but not the topic at hand.”
Anon
It was germane to the topic. You are just defensive.
Anon
I was no-makeup for a few years. After I hit 40, my facial skin got redder (thanks, rosacea) and the tone was more uneven, and I also realized I just looked faded and washed-out without makeup. When I was younger, my lips were so naturally pink that I never even needed lipstick. Now my lips are almost the same color as my face and I look better with color on. I also don’t love shopping for makeup but I do love how wearing it makes me look and feel.
Worry About Yourself
Been saying it for years, Maybelline’s Dream Fresh BB cream is my favorite, I haven’t found a high-end brand that’s as good and honestly I don’t see the need. I wear this stuff every day.
NYX makes good primers, I’ve really liked the Pore Filler one, and the Shine Killer is good too.
Peripera is a K-beauty brand I’ve seen at some CVS locations, they have good lip stains and I like their eyebrow mascara as well.
Almay’s Lip Vibes lipstick has some nice shades that feel great to wear, but they’re not exactly all-day lipsticks.
For skincare, I love Biore’s face washes, and Simple’s light facial moisturizer. I just wish they still sold it in a bottle instead of those tiny pouches.
YoungandDumb
I should have scrolled down before commenting! also recommended Maybelline…I’ve been a daily user since sophomore year! It works beautifully with your fingers, sponge, or brush, too. I prefer applying with my hands, but it works with what you prefer.
And I’ve been eyeing Peripera so thanks!
Anonymous
Vichy green face wash = PTR orange face wash
Vichy face scrub is also great.
I have also been really happy with the Neutragena Hydraboost products. I am currently using the body lotion, which is fragrance free and really works.
pugsnbourbon
I really like the Neutrogena Hydroboost sunscreen. It takes the place of my regular moisturizer and works well under makeup.
Housecounsel
Neutrogena skin care products are generally great. I just bought the new Bright Boost and could literally feel a difference overnight.
cat socks
Milani eye shadow primer for Urban Decay or Too Faced.
Anonymous
+1. Love this stuff.
Anon
Not me but my college aged daughter really likes Maybelline Dream BB cream (the Pure one, with the blue label). It has salicylic acid in it so a little exfoliation/mild acne help going on, along with light coverage.
I looked it up on CosDNA and it gets high marks for no irritating or comedogenic ingredients – please note this isn’t the case for the “Fresh” pink label version.
Anon
Except for my eyeliner (which is Sephora brand and $12) all of my makeup is drugstore brands!
I use Maybelline Dream Fresh BB cream and my favorite mascara is Covergirl professional remarkable mascara (purple tube) Lasts ALL day without smudging!
Anonymous
Not dupes, but I really like Trader Joe’s skincare products if that’s an option for you. Their facial rose oil is great for morning or night (I use in place of a moisturizer). I also like their tea tree oil pads for after workouts, long flights, or on nights when I am too lazy to wash my face.
eertmeert
e.l.f. waterproof length & volume mascara is awesome. It reminds me of tarte lights camera mascara, but is $3 instead of $22. Removes easily with waterproof makeup remover.
I also have repurchased the Garnier Micellar water (pink cap) going on a dozen times. I started with the Lamcome micellar water, then switched to the Garnier when I realized it is affordable and does the job.
Jules
I also like that e.l.f. mascara, on the rare occasions when I wear it, and the e.l.f. blush – the one in a very little, stubby stick. I have the “pink lemonade” color and it looks great – I’m pale with dark hair – and lasts much longer than the Nars blush with the name that will get me in mod.
Do I look old in this?
Random but recurring thought:
I’m 54. I would gladly pay for a service where I could send pictures of myself in the day’s outfit to a group of younger people who would tell me candidly what about me looks old. My hairstyle? This skirt plus these shoes? What, please. I need to keep my client-facing job.
If you want to develop this app (or whatever it would be), I’m here cheering you on.
Anonymous
Yes — I worry about this, too.
Also, I seem to have the reverse of body dismorphism, where I think I look like I did at 19 when I clearly am older and also a bit heavier (with a different body composition). Now that what not to wear isn’t on, there may be no opportunity to be policed politely prior to committing a fashion felony.
Also confusing: casual offices. I am wearing an outfit that my 11YO could be wearing (and with a pair of shoes that my even younger kid also has). But I think it works. At least it fits and isn’t straining anywhere.
I recently looked over some pictures from 15 years ago and even then, I was oblivious to how some clothes really didn’t flatter my shape (and some emphasized the slight potbelly that I’ve had forever, regardless of weight or fitness levels).
Anonymous
Also, if there is a stylist who can take 49 YO me from a C- to a B, I’d pay money for that. But no stylist wants to advertise “bringing you to a B” as their brand and standard. But for some of us, that would be gold.
Ribena
A department store personal shopper might be able to assist with that? (No shade to department store personal shoppers intended!)
OP
+1 Yes, this.
anonymous
The forums on You Look Fab are the closest thing to this. I haven’t been on there in a while, but I remember people posting their outfit pics.
MD
This is a really good idea.
Anon
An “eh” on those forums. It’s less about looking good but more about “do I look like Angie in this frock?” (And white boots, and moto jacket)
Anonymous
The forums at YLF are supportive and will give you great feedback. However, if you merely post generally, you’ll generally only get encouragement and support. You’ll need to specifically ask how you can improve the styling or look more youthful if you want to receive more critical suggestions about how you can change.
Anon
Looking like a 54 year old attempting to look like a 30 year old would be much worse. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a 54 year old person looking 54.
Anon
Idk I feel like fashion kind of converges between 30 and 65 where they basically wear the same thing (altered by body type). At least a 30 yr old in a non-creative field, a frumpy 30 yr old and frumpy 60 yr old would more or less wear the same thing, and same goes for their fashionable counterparts.
anon
Agreed! My mother (I am 30ish, she is 60ish) have, several times, separately bought the same top, etc. and not realized it until we see each other and one of us is like “haha, I own that.”
Once you are squarely past the Urban Outfitters/ crop top age, fashion kind of converges. Especially for work.
Anon
I agree that in my work culture, people would basically never comment negatively on dress. We’re also very informal. (I’m wearing an LL Bean rugby shirt and ariat paddock boots to work today and think I look pretty good, lol).
What I try to do is keep note on when people compliment what I’m wearing – clearly I got something right with that outfit, so I try to find the common denominator and do repeats of that.
Anonymous
I hear you, but I think that HR has beaten into people “don’t comment on how people look” that people just don’t anymore. Or maybe I just don’t look good? Hard to tell, but I used to get complimented a lot more (but was younger then, perhaps more comment-able).
I know I’m not laughably bad. But I also know I can do much better.
Anon
But people just DON’T CARE about how you look! Unless it’s egregiously bad. Nobody will ever tell you “hey, you could look better if you tried harder” because they do not care.
The Original ...
Mid 30s… If you have a throwaway email, I’d be down to join that email or text thread… heaven knows I could use a “does this look unflattering” or something kind of group!
Anon
Maybe try this blog for inspiration – she doesn’t look like a 20 year old and I don’t think we should be doing for that – but I do think she looks good
https://unefemme.net/
My mantra is to look like a 53 year old, but a 53 year old with money. ;)
Anon
I’m in that demographic and follow her blog. It’s good but her outfits are too casual for a conservative office (law, banking). If someone could recommend a blog featuring 40-60 year old women in conservative office wear, that would be great.
Anon
I feel like those women don’t have time to blog.
Anon
Also, a smaller and smaller segment of the population has to dress in business formal. It’s becoming pretty rarefied.
Anon
The “Work Shop” section of the Talbot’s website, then?
Anonymous
Just read The Fold catalogue?
Anonymous
Ooh, she looks amazing! I am a decade younger, like my clothes more fitted and my shoes less sensible, and can’t wear the warm colors she favors, but I think I will start following her anyway.
anon
One of my favorite 30 Rock lines: “Rich 50 is middle-class 38”
Anon
It’s after six. What am I, a farmer?
Anonymous
Do you honestly think you’re in danger of losing your client-facing job because of how you look? If so, I’m really sorry. Either it’s legit (you are slovenly, unkempt, and don’t care) or it’s distinct ageism.
Or is it possible that you’re just down on yourself or feeling old on a January Friday? Again, if so I’m really sorry.
If you (objectively) need to up your style game, then start with your hairstyle. If it’s just “I feel old around all these young people and am starting to feel irrelevant and wonder if I’m going to hang on anymore” then style can help a bit with that, but some rest, refreshment, and renewing some youthful energy can help a lot more.
Anonymous
Would anyone be down if I set up a private insta account for this purpose? Then people could tag tag themselves to that insta either in a story or post on their own account and note what advice they’re looking for and other members could then comment–constructively of course?
Calatty
Yes! I’d be in! I had thought of this for a long time, but mostly more in terms of when I put on an outfit that was hilariously wrong. My 17 yo daughter will give it to me straight if it looks bad, but she’s not so helpful in the professional wear categories. I’m 52, a professional in a business casual office who also goes to court and want to not be stuck in rut but also not be seen as “trying too hard.” Couldn’t the photos be without the faces showing to protect privacy?
Anonymous
Yes, please!
Senior Attorney
My gorgeous friend Rachel is great at this kind of thing. I don’t know if she does online consultation but it’s worth pinging her to ask: https://www.subliminal.style/
Senior Attorney
Tell her her friend in Pasadena who got married in a green dress sent you.
Coach Laura
She looks amazing. Or rather, that service looks amazing.
Anon
FWIW, a few coworkers and I, all early 30s, were talking at lunch yesterday that we can’t tell how old the more experiences people in our office are. There is a clear cohort in their early 30s and a cohort that could be anywhere between late 40s and early 60s and none of us had any ideas. This came up because one of the older people had announced her retirement and none of us thought she was at retirement age yet, but we also couldn’t guess her age.
Long store short, I think a lot of people have a hard time identifying the age of working adults past early 50s.
Anon
This has also been my experience; unless someone is just-out-of-college inexperienced, I can’t tell their age with accuracy greater than +/-15 years, and past ~45 it’s all ???? to me.
anon
Can you please share your favorite vegetarian chili recipe? Ideally, I would like to make it in a slow cooker. I have been inspired by this s1te to have a party and serve chili with an elaborate toppings bar.
Anonymous
The Greens Restaurant black bean chili.
Ribena
I love the smitten kitchen 3 bean chilli. I make it with canned beans because I’m lazy.
Anon
Me too!
Anon
Three-Bean Chili with Dumplings from “Fresh from the Vegetarian Slow Cooker.” Looks like someone has posted a copy of the recipe on food.com
Anonymous
I’ll see if I can find the exact recipe but I make a black bean sweet potato chili that is a crowd pleaser.
Anonymous
This one is delicious and loaded with veggies. You can use any kind of beans (I used canned black, northern / canellini, and garbanzo). I also sub mushrooms for the broccoli. It’s not crock pot, but worth the extra effort.
https://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/giada-de-laurentiis/spicy-bean-soup-recipe-1916430
Skipper
I like America’s Test Kitchen’s Best Vegetarian Chili. It’s a bit involved, as it has homemade chili paste. But it’s worth it! The spice profile is complex, and the garbanzo beans make a surprisingly excellent stand-in for beef.
Anon
https://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/spicy-two-bean-vegetarian-chili-107274
Senior Attorney
I like this one: https://showmetheyummy.com/crockpot-vegetarian-chili-recipe/
Coach Laura
Jane’s Vegetarian Chili on myrecipes or epicurious. I don’t add quite as much water so it’s thicker and I omit the Worcestershire sauce to make it truly vegan (swap for some organic molasses or soy sauce).
Strength Training advice for older newbie
As I am circling 50, I am going back to the idea that I need strength training and am moving to a building walkable to a YMCA branch. I have read of the book re new rules for weightlifting for women. Worth reading? Or for now, just the basic weight machines at the Y will be fine. Do I need to also lift free weights? [Or just read the book and maybe also get a trainer for a session or two b/c I am not sure I can learn form and what to do from a book?] Open to thoughts. The goal is part vanity and a big part “being healthy and not breaking a hip over the next 50 years.”
I half think that the easy answer is just to do more pushups (and yet I already have osteoarthritis settling in to my first CMC joint, so that is not as easily done as it used to be), but a key thing is not to get injured along the way, especially when starting out.
Anonymous
I’m circling 40 and would love to hear thoughts about this. So far I just find myself using the medium 25 lb resistance band. While I find it hard to work out anything but arms with that, I tell myself it’s better than nothing. Considering starting planks for core strength.
Anonymous
Are you good at reading self-help type books? I am not, so I would say work with a trainer for a session or two. Or use a video – Fitness Blender has lots of good weight routines. But a trainer would be safer for sure. Free weights have the advantage over machines of requiring more muscles to be engaged for balance & proper form, and they can often be used in ways that use multiple muscle groups at once, so it is more efficient. E.g., you can use dumbbells to do bicep curls while doing lunges. Using multiple large muscles also boosts your heart rate so you get some cardio benefit. So I think free weights get you more bang for your buck. On the other hand, machines are harder to mess up/injure yourself and therefore are less intimidating.
Shopaholic
I would see a trainer, at least for a few sessions. They can help you come up with a program and give you tips on your form which is so important for new lifters! It’s hard to get it right with just a book and a mirror if you don’t know exactly how your body is supposed to look/feel when doing certain exercises.
I think free weights are better than the machines. They introduce a bit more instability which helps work your core and helps mimic actual everyday movements.
It sounds like your goal is to be stronger for life so I would see a trainer and get some free weights workouts and go from there. You really only need a few basic moves that you can do, and add more weight (resistance) or more sets/reps to continue to progress from there.
Z
Agree, see a trainer for a few sessions to learn some exercises and form. They’ll also know how many reps and weight you should do for your goals, and show you modifications for any mobility/joint issues. Like Shopaholic said above, free weights are more like how you would move/pick things up IRL.
emeralds
It sounds like you’re in a similar situation to where my mom was a few years ago. She’s told me she found it really helpful to start out with a trainer, who could help her work around a few joint issues and come up with a plan that was going to help her with her goals and also keep her from getting injured.
Anonymous
My Y has trainers who can get you set up with the equipment.
Housecounsel
My Y has a class called Women on Weights – I think it might be across all Ys. It’s great. Includes machines, free weights, flipping tires, body resistance, etc.
anon
If you have a Y within walking distance you are in luck! If your location is anything like mine (and mine is pretty bare bones) you can sign up and start the same day with either weight machines or classes. You can sign up for a personal trainer as well and develop a routine for yourself.
If you like group exercise I can’t recommend the Les Mills classes highly enough. Assuming your Y offers those, or something similar, you can start lifting weights in body pump (low weight, high repetitions, full body workout). That’s where I started when I turned 40 and it’s made me stronger and given me confidence to use the free weights in the gym when I am on travel. In my experience the instructors are keen on making sure you are performing the lifts correctly and will work with you to ensure proper form if you ask them after/before class. I also take RPM (cycling). The Les Mills program offers many other types of classes that may appeal to you as well. Check out your Y’s schedule and don’t be afraid to just take a class.
I would have you know that the majority of the people in my class are a decade or more older than myself, and far more fit than I. They attend religiously and lift more than me on a regular basis. I aspire to be more like them. My class has both men and women, is led by a female instructor and the the motto is you are your competition.
Strength training has always been a boring activity to me. The SNL skit of “I lift things up and put them back down” rings true. I have purchased and borrowed books on the subject from the library but never actually read them. The Y class has forced me to actually START lifting weights and with that experience I now have the confidence to do this activity where ever there is a gym I can access.
anon
Longer comment in moderation: Get thee to the Y. Sign up for a trainer. Or jump in and take a class: If your Y has Les Mills classes at least one is dedicated to weight lifting and you can learn basics while getting a full body work out. YMMV depending on how you feel about group exercise classes of course.
Louisa
Second the advice to start with a trainer to build confidence in your form and familiarity with equipment. I found the NROLFW book very helpful and ended up using a lot of the routines. The beginning chapters are full of sound advice, as well. My main takeaway was his point that women tend not to challenge themselves enough with weights, which had definitely been true for me in the past. Getting stronger will get you into a positive feedback loop, but you have to keep taking the step of increasing weight. Also agree that free weights help more with stability than machines. I am short and find that most machines are not adjustable in enough ways to give me good form, anyway. Resistance training is so good for you since it also preserves cognitive function and bone density in addition to musculature. Good luck!
Anon
SO many options, find what you like and what works for you.
Try out body weight strength exercise (which can be as easy or challenging as you want. A one-leg pistol or deep skater squat is hella challenging). Try out weight machines. Try free weights. Cycle between them. You’re not trying to be a world-class athlete, so doing the “optimal” thing (if there is one, which IMO there isn’t) is not the primary consideration.
Maybe I’m lucky, but gyms in my area are very welcoming and safe spaces for women who want to do any type of exercise. Don’t go in with the assumption that it’s going to be awkward and uncomfortable. And if the first gym you try IS that way – keep looking!
Anonymous
I’m 43 and have been lifting weights since my teens. It is absolutely the thing that keeps my body looking the way I want it to. At a certain point, cardio just doesn’t cut it any more.
Bar none, the best thing you can do if you want to start lifting weights is meet with a trainer for 3-4 sessions and have them walk you through how to use machines and free weights, and help you set up a routine. For the love of God, I am begging you, please meet with a trainer. Don’t just read a book or watch videos on YouTube. Every year in January, I see people in the gym who are trying to figure it out on their own and failing. People can get really, really hurt lifting wrong – even on machines – and I’m sure you know, as we age it’s harder and harder to bounce back from injuries. The least that can happen is you won’t use the machines correctly, understanding how to isolate correct muscles, and you won’t make the progress you’re hoping to make. Trainers are sometimes provided free for one or two sessions by a gym when you sign up (not sure about the Y) or offer packages of sessions for around $250. Which is incredibly cheap when you consider it against the copays for doctor, chiropractor, physical therapist, medical imaging, etc. you will have to pay if you hurt yourself. I meet with a trainer at least once a year to come up with a new routine, check in on places where I’m having tightness or discomfort, and learn new exercises. It’s so worth it, even though I know what I’m doing in the gym. When you tour the gym and sign up for membership, ask the people at the Y for trainer referrals – I’m sure they can help you connect to someone.
Amy
Maybe look into Pilates? It focuses on core strength and also muscle strength using a variety of apparatuses and stretches. The place where I go has no more than 6 people in each group class so the instructor can ensure everyone does the exercises properly and doesn’t get hurt. I am 44 and do an hour class twice a week. I started two years ago completely unfamiliar with Pilates and while there is a slight learning curve, a good place will be supportive and not intimidating. Your YMCA may offer mat Pilates, or maybe they have apparatuses you can use…I personally prefer the apparatuses but everyone’s different. Good luck!
Anon
I just started Pilates and I loooove it. I feel like, where has this been all my life? After three classes some lower back tension that had been bugging me for over a year is gone!
Anon
Ask for an orientation at the y focused on the weight machines. Start there. Don’t overdo it at first. Work up to it. The Y gyms usually offer orientations, and the orienters are usually personal trainers, so it’s a good deal.
Annie
If it’s the not breaking a hip you’re after, you need to lift heavy (for you) weights. You’re after explosive strength, so few repetitions (I’ve been told 3-5) at max weight are key.
Trainers often focus on high-rep low-weight exercise, but that’s not what you’re trying to build. Explosive strength requires explosive excercise. Of course, good form is still key so you don’t get injured.
Annie
If it’s the not breaking a hip you’re after, you need to lift heavy (for you) weights. You’re after explosive strength, so few repetitions (I’ve been told 3-5) at max weight are key.
Trainers often focus on high-rep low-weight exercise, but that’s not what you’re trying to build. Explosive strength requires explosive excercise. Of course, good form is still key so you don’t get injured.
Medicine cabinet vs mirror
In a bathroom with a vanity (not a pedestal sink), would you prefer a medicine cabinet or just a mirror? I am a bit torn. I am firmly a believer that you can’t have too much storage. But I also think that you expand your stuff to fit your storage. And that medicine cabinets can just look . . . cheap, even if they are pricey (and that’s for stuff that is surface-mounted, never mind the ones where you have to cut into the wall). Just go with a mirror? Existing mirror has a sharp chip in it now, so I’ve got to replace with something b/c the duck tape on it now is not #winning.
Anonymous
Mirror with a great frame.
Veronica Mars
Yes, I’d just go for a mirror in this instance.
Anonymous
Are you limited to surface mounted? If you really want the storage space, recessed medicine cabinets look exactly like a plain mirror. (e.g., https://www.westelm.com/products/seamless-medicine-cabinet-w3498/?catalogId=71&sku=6947205)
I live in an NYC apartment so I am 100% team storage. Pedestal sinks are an abomination.
If you have kids, medicine cabinets are more out of reach than under sink vanities for storing, you know, medicine.
rosie
+1 I’ve been so happy with our recessed medicine cabinet. It’s pretty basic (from Home Depot). The storage is great and the best part is it’s got mirrored doors that open, with one larger than the other, so I can open the larger one and get my face really close to the mirror when I’m tweezing without having to lean over very much or hold a separate mirror.
NYCer
+10000 to recessed medicine cabinet.
Anon
I really like that recessed cabinet, and I think Pottery Barn also has some very nice modern/stylish options!
TheElms
I would not do a surface mounted one – I think the inset ones can look fine. So if your choice is surface mounted or mirror I would do mirror. If you can do a nice inset one I would do that. I think pottery barn has good looking inset medicine cabinets if you decide to go that route.
Anon
I don’t know about Pottery Barn, but this is the right choice. If you can do recessed do the medicine cabinet, all the way.
Anonymous
I hate inset medicine cabinets. They are tacky and gross and remind me of the 1970s and ’80s. I vote mirror.
Anon
My 1929 inset medicine cabinet would like a word with you. I don’t think you know what you’re talking about.
Anon
…..OK. They’re super common in stylish modern houses though….it’s all about their style!
Anon
Restoration hardware has really nice medicine cabinets. I bought mine at an outlet store and love it.
The Original ...
I’d get a wide enough frame to cover the chip and tape and look intentional and call it a day… but I am frugal like that LOL
UHU
I’d go for a recessed cabinet with a beautiful frame. This way the look is like a mirror but the usability of easier access, for me, of the cabinet for things like toothbrush and small containers.
Anon
I’d get a medicine cabinet that has a decorative framing around the mirror, no visible handle, very tall (like 6 inch from the cieling) and is as close to the width of the bathroom as possible. It will look less like a medicine cabinet and more like a mirror with depth, especially if you keep the dept to less than 4 inches.
anon
My problem with a vanity sticking out from the wall is the shadow underneath. Most bathrooms I’ve had place a bright light source directly above it, and I hate the combo.
Anon
Recessed medicine cabinet or just plain mirror.
Senior Attorney
In my last house I had a recessed one that looked exactly like a framed mirror. I loved it.
GovtMule
TL:DR – I love medicine cabinets, but they aren’t that great if you have other storage.
We renovated 1 house then built a house the next year, so I have the (admittedly odd) distinction of having designed 2 master baths in 2 years. Designers hate medicine cabinets – the ones I worked with think a nice mirror is far more attractive, and easier to replace if you want to freshen up your bath. That said, there are a few that look nice – but they are in high demand and are often sold out/ on back order. The nicest ones I saw were at pottery barn.
I would only do it if you could install a recessed cabinet. In our renovation project we did surface mount in a hall bath, recessed in master. After it was installed I HATED the surface mount cabinet. It looked ugly and bulky. The recessed medicine cabinet in master was not the most attractive looking, but it was functional.
When building our house we were not able to get recessed medicine cabinets installed due to electrical and plumbing in the wall. We were building and could ultimately move the interior utilities, but it would have been crazy expensive. At first I was very upset. (Probably because I spent hours trying to find an attractive medicine cabinet that could be purchased in the right time frame.) However, after living with the bathroom for a few months, I don’t mind not having it. The drawers in our vanity provide adequate storage, and the mirrors we installed were far more attractive and less expensive.
Anon
Can anyone point me to a good resource for learning about backdoor Roth IRAs? What I found so far explains how to open one, but I don’t understand how to continue adding money to it over time. If anyone has a favorite financial website or something that explains it clearly, I would appreciate it!
Anokha
I don’t know if this is an option for you, but I spoke with a Fidelity 401K advisor who showed me how to do it. They had a section on their website for ongoing, continuing conversions, but it was kind of hidden and requires phone authorization on my part.
anonchicago
Bogleheads
Belle Boyd
Thank you to all who gave their thoughts about the interview I was called for yesterday. I looked on Glassdoor and saw that the one man I had interviewed with at that company is now running the show and there were a LOT of complaints about him — he appears to have serious anger issues and the common theme among the postings was that people that worked for this company were always in fear of his “firings at whim.” I declined the interview this morning. I’m already in a bad situation where I currently work and the whole idea of job-hunting is to IMPROVE the situation, not jump from the frying pan into the fire. There’s something better out there. I just need to be patient and bide my time.
The Original ...
If it were me (not sure if this is good advice), I would let them know why. While it may mean nothing, it may be written into records that could help a plaintiff if they ever need to sue this guy. Plus, as someone not interested in working there, you have the power to say things that tortured employees do not. But again, not sure that this is good career advice, I just see it as maybe helpful to the people who are powerless and who may need proof that this guy is the problem not just to them but to the company overall.
Belle Boyd
They did ask why I was declining and I said that I had interviewed previously with them and that it was a very unpleasant experience. I didn’t go any further than that. If this guy sits in on all the interviews, maybe they’ll take the hint that there is a problem. I agree with the poster from yesterday that said the fact that they listed the job under “Company Confidential” was a red flag — they already know there are issues, especially given what’s out there on Glassdoor. I don’t know how much they can actually do about him because it’s a family company and he is family. (another red flag to me — and part of the issue of where I am now. I’ve always heard “don’t work for the family unless you’re family,” and I am seeing how much that is an absolute truth.)
OG -- does anyone use it as a gym bag
Does anyone use their OG as a gym bag? I just realized that I have not gone to the gym at work much b/c heading out with my Atheta shopping bag with my gym stuff just telegraphs “not working”. But if I used my OG (I have another laptop bag now), I would feel like I am flying under the radar a bit more.
I already work a flex schedule (leave at 4), so I worry about the face time issue even though I am keeping up on the productivity front (but only management sees that).
Anonymous
I have used a Le Pliage tote for this.
CountC
Yes, I do! Although I tie my running shoes to one of the handles because it’s packed full with other stuff, so I don’t know how professional it looks when it’s full!
Is it Friday yet?
I sometimes do, and think it works well for it.
Anon
I use my Rowledge as a gym bag (which I think is smaller than the OG), so depending on how much stuff you can it could definitely work. Didn’t the G in OG stand for Gym??
Post-review blues
I recently had a review that has gotten under my skin a little, and I’m looking for tips to get over it. The critical feedback I received was valid and something I do need to work on. That being said, the reason I haven’t been able to improve in that particular area in the past year is primarily a result of some structural issues within the company. So my brain keeps saying well yes that might be true, but it’s not my fault. I thought I rocked this year,and I wasn’t mentally prepared to push back or discuss potential solutions for this feedback.
All that said, how do I move on and get to work on what was brought up? It’s not really appropriate after the fact to say I reflected further, and I disagree because of xyz? Maybe I spend a few days brainstorming ideas related to the feedback and say here’s my plan to tackle this for 2020?
All my previous reviews have been glowing, but the expectations have grown as I have been in this role. And just to clarify, I’m not at risk of any sort of probation, there were just a couple things flagged as needing improvement.
Anon
The only way I think this could work without looking defensive is to ask about changing structural issues to support your goals. “Boss, I’m taking the feedback to heart and I plan to do _____. However, I realized that Policy Y has actually been a barrier and now that I think back, I should have identified it sooner so that I could work on this issue. Is there anything we can do re Policy Y…”
Anon
This happened to me a few years ago. In my next one on one with my manager, I brought up like so: “I have been thinking about my performance review and my need to work on X. One of the things I realized is that Y (structure, not a person) has been a tough obstacle for me to negotiate when I work on X, and so I was wondering if you could help me brainstorm some ways for dealing with Y because I really do want to do better with X this year.” My manager was really helpful and we talked through several strategies, and in the course of the conversation she gave me some information that helped me understand why the situation was the way it was, and was not likely to change. It really helped my perspective and my tactics. It’s always good to show that you’re invested in improving your performance and framing it as “I need some help with this” vs. “I can’t do that because of this structure we can’t change” will always benefit you.
Anon
This is excellent advice.
Anon
I think the thing that needs improvement is not two small things that were flagged as needing improvement in an overall good review, but your ability to accept constructive feedback.
I’ve managed small and large staffs, junior and senior people. It’s extremely easy to give a bright young motivated entry level person a glowing review.
It’s harder to give one to a more senior person, because the expectations are much higher. Commensurate with that, senior people earn a lot more money.
You should never expect a gold star perfect review at a senior level unless the company you work for is hitting it out of the park every day – your goals are the company’s goals, and vice versa.
Learn from your review and do better in the areas identified. Remind yourself that you got an overall good review. And remind yourself that you are not perfect at everything and still have things to learn.
Do NOT go back to your boss and complain about how it’s not your fault. Do bring up during the course of work this year any obstacles in way of you getting things done, but don’t frame it as in response to your performance appraisal.
Anon
Not OP but this perspective was really helpful for me to read. Thank you.
OP
I 100% agree that it’s whiny and childish to go back and blame shortcomings on other things. We are all human, and it’s a totally natural gut reaction to feel defensive.
Now that I’ve had time to step back from it more, I realize what I was asked to do is going to be extremely helpful for my employer and my skillset. I appreciate the advice to keep the systemic issues in mind and bring them up when they become are getting in the way instead of waiting.
Shopaholic
Question re morning workouts. I’m not a pre workout eater (especially at the crack of dawn) but I do like some caffeine. I’ve been drinking pre-workout (finishing off some stuff I have from a previous trainer) but have been wondering if coffee is a better option? Any thoughts?
thanks!
Anonymous
I always have coffee before my morning workouts, although with food as well. Make sure you allow enough time for it to go through your system before you have to exercise.
emeralds
I’ve never used pre-workout (not really a supplements/powders/etc person, so, maybe I am not the person to answer this question?) but will have like, half a cup of coffee before morning runs or workouts. Absent compelling research that I am unaware of, and a quick google scan that indicates most of these things are relying heavily on caffeine anyway, I cannot think of why you would need a specialty beverage for this purpose.
If I’m doing something intensive like a long run or a really tough class at the gym, I’ll have half a pb&j or an apple.
Shopaholic
Re your first point – I have unfortunately been quite susceptible to all sorts of powders and supplements in the past (but the Dream is helping set me straight!) so I’m just planning on finishing things I already have since they were pricey and not rebuy anything unless there’s a good reason why I should.
Luckily I workout in a gym so i can deal with any bathroom issues!
thanks all!
anon
This new season is fascinating and even better than the first season!
Shopaholic
It’s so good! I almost succumbed to some instagram ad for some supplement and I had Jane Marie’s voice in my head telling me not to do it. I should know better but man some of that marketing is very persuasive!
Anon
Delicately, that depends on your morning bathroom tendencies. If I have coffee, then any run had better be in the new construction development where there’s a port-a-john every 100 yards or so. Maybe not a big deal if you’re at a gym where a restroom is nearby, but I’m not an indoor-worker-outer, so it’s definitely something I consider.
Anon
Hahaha I feel this so hard, except for me it would be running to the bathroom every 5 minutes at the gym.
OP, lots of pre-workout drinks have caffeine and for me most of them don’t have the same bowel-stimulative effect as coffee. I’d stick with the pre-workout and just find one you like; bodybuilding dot com sells a million different types. There’s really no need to go through a trainer or any of the myriad MLMs out there if you don’t want to.
Shopaholic
Oh agreed – I meant I got one recommended by a former trainer that I bought from GNC. I like it enough but I was just wondering if it would be better for me to stick to a more “natural” product (i.e. coffee). Plus I like the idea of a hot beverage early on a winter morning.
Your point is helpful – I have been taking it all week after not touching it for a couple months and it hasn’t been impacting my bowel movements so perhaps that’s worth it in itself.
Anon
I’m the 10:20 Anon. I’m as crunchy as they come. When it comes to food/drink during and around workouts, use what works, period.
Anonymous
Bai has caffeine in it, if you want a non-coffee option. I think it’s the equivalent caffeine of a cup of green tea.
Anon
I would have terrible heartburn if I drank coffee on an empty stomach and then tried to work out. I’d try some pre-workout black tea, not brewed too strong, and then coffee with some kind of food after.
Anon
Tea has a similar laxative effect to coffee for me, fwiw. Not quite as strong or immediate as coffee but I definitely usually go to the bathroom after drinking tea.
Anon
Are your husbands friends with women? And do they socialize with these friends alone? I have a dear friend who is a married man. We have dinner alone about 3-4 times a year. His wife is always invited but never wants to come because we always fight about politics, and it bores her lol. My husband never attends for a similar reason. (Husband is progressive, friend is conservative, so the discussing politics sets him on edge.) Friend and I are both lawyers and policy wonks, so we love it.
I’m very grateful for this friendship – it’s seriously carried me through some tough times and is a source of happiness in my life. Nothing inappropriate has ever happened. We meet around 6, have some drinks, eat dinner, and then both of us are home by around 10 or so. I was talking to another friend yesterday and she commented that she would never let her husband have dinners with women friends alone. I thought this was kind of regressive but interested in hearing from others.
Housecounsel
Totally regressive. You either trust your spouse or you don’t. If a spouse is going to cheat, he or she is going to do it with or without dinners with dear friends.
anonymous
+10000
anon
+1. I used to have a lot of male close friends, one very close for many years. DH has a close female friend. It’s possible without catching feelings ( I like that phrase from the poster below). I trust myself and my spouse and those other friends.
Anon
Yeah your friend’s comment is like whaaaat?? Your male friend sounds like a great friend. It’s a blessing to have a friendship like that. I feel like I could use more of them.
My husband does not have any female friends he sees one-on-one but he was mentoring a woman for awhile who does what he does (software development) and they would go to lunch alone (never dinner because she was married and had small kids, but I wouldn’t have cared). It makes me a little ragey, this whole thing about adult men and women not being able to be just friends. I know many men who are interesting, opinionated, empathetic and funny and I enjoy spending time with them. It does not mean I want to sleep with them. I don’t think if a man finds me interesting to talk to, it necessarily means he is interested in sleeping with me. These kinds of views reduce everyone down to their basest instincts and behaviors and says men and women are not capable of getting past biological impulses to get it on, which I don’t think is true in the least. It sucks.
Anon
Ugh honestly it’s really tiring to have this come up. It was already beat to death in the countless discussions about the Pence family policy and I just don’t see what you’re hoping to learn.
OP
Then FO and skip past the post.
Anon
You’re just eagerly awaiting for someone to say she doesn’t want her husband to have female friends. It’s pathetic.
Anon
Not everyone here is a drama llama. From this post, where you had the audacity to say someone you don’t know is “pathetic,” I realize YOU are a drama llama. But please understand, not everyone is like you.
Housecounsel
Seriously, Anon at 10. I think it’s an interesting topic of conversation as it relates to our own lives. It’s the Internet. Scroll on, just like you do when someone asks for travel advice to a country you don’t want to visit.
Anonymous
The Pence thing was different and way more egregious. It wasn’t just about a social life, it’s an issue professionally – how can you possibly avoid ever being alone with a woman unless you just don’t hire women. Not to mention the ick factor for any women who work with you. I would find it so weird and creepy if a partner told me, no sorry we have to leave the door open while we’re on this conference call because I can’t be alone in a room with you; when it’s review time, partner sits in a conference room and associates filter in and out all day – perfectly fine when it’s male associates but the women have to, what, bring a chaperone?; if it’s only the two of us handling a day-long hearing, we can’t be in the conference rooms in the courthouse during lunch, I guess I have to sit in the hallway by myself and not talk about how things are going.
Anon
My husband has female colleagues that he works with pretty closely with and has dinners with one-on-one. I can’t imagine telling him he couldn’t have dinner alone with a woman, since that would negatively impact his career and his female colleagues’ careers.
That said, he doesn’t have close female friends and I don’t have close male friends. I think I’m very much in the minority on this s1te, but I (hetero woman) have never had a really close friendship with a hetero man without someone catching feelings and am personally kind of skeptical that straight women and men can be really close friends and keep it entirely platonic on both sides. When I say “close friends,” I’m not talking about being friendly work colleagues or running buddies or parents who hang out while their kids have playdates or something like that – I mean friends who spend hours alone on a regular basis and tell each everything the way I do with my girlfriends. I wouldn’t want a relationship like that with a man and I don’t think I would be entirely comfortable with my husband having a friendship like that with a woman.
OP
That’s interesting. To be clear – I don’t exactly discuss the same things with him that I do with my girl friends. For example, I don’t discuss the state of my marriage or s#x with him. But I would discuss these things with some of my closest girl friends. Each friendship offers something different, and I don’t go to him for support on things like that.
Anon
To be fair the sort of relationship you describe in your second paragraph I think is difficult to maintain and quite intimate – I don’t have that with male or female friends. To a certain extent I kind of agree that that sort of relationship is not that appropriate for women with husbands but only because your spouse should be filling that most intimate role, it shouldn’t be filled by a friend. Honestly, you probably have always caught feelings (or the other person has) precisely because what you are describing is basically dating.
I wouldn’t balk at Hubs with a female friend but definitely would if he was spending several hours multiple times a month lounging around talking about intimate details of life with a female friend. That literally leaves no time for your significant other.
anon
While I don’t want to make assumptions about the poster above, I agree that none of my closest friends are the -tell-each-other-everything kind and that position is held by my husband alone. So that probably helps with any jealousy on friendships, b/c I know our marital relationship is on an entirely different level.
JB
I don’t understand how anyone has hours to spend together on a regular basis that aren’t living together. By this definition I have no close friends.
Anonymous
Huh? Do you just mean married/coupled people? I have several friends with whom I spend hours at least twice a month. I also have a BF, but we don’t see each other every day and sometimes only once a week.
Anon
I haven’t shared intimate details since college / dating. It feels like a betrayal of one’s partner to do so. I certainly wouldn’t want my husband talking to his friends, male of female, about the details of what we do in bed, so I give him the same respect.
After a certain age, your friends really don’t want to hear it either!
Ellen
I think that you have to be careful with your DH, particularly if your marrage is not strong. Many times, men find women willing to listen, and this sometimes results in the two winding up having s-x. If your marrage is strong, you should not be concerned. I know that if I find a husband, I will NOT waste time with other men b/c I have learned that many men are only interested in a physical relationship, and will not even care if the woman is married. So ladies, be careful of men unless you really know they will not try and take advantage of you after an evening of drinks. FOOEY!
Anon
Anon at 10:06 here – I agree that what OP is describing isn’t something I’d be uncomfortable with my husband doing. But I have seen multiple people here say things like “I treat my male friends exactly the same way I treat my female friends” or “the gender of the people involved has nothing to do with the nature of friendship” and similar things like that and that’s where I’m saying I don’t agree, at least for me and my husband. When I said intimate, it wasn’t just a euphemism for discussing s3x (I don’t really discuss that even with my closest girlfriends except in the most general terms because my husband and I are both pretty private people). But I definitely open up to my girlfriends about my emotions, my complicated family dynamics, mental health, issues I might be having with my husband, etc. in a way I would not with a male friend, or at least would be a lot more cautious about, because in the past when I have tried to have that kind of emotional intimacy with a male friend it has led to feelings. I don’t think discussing those topics inherently is like dating – I think these are very normal topics for close female friends to discuss among themselves, but when a straight man and a woman do it, it can feel more like dating, because they are also common topics to discuss in the early stages of a relationship. I guess what I’m saying is I just prefer to reserve more emotionally intimate topics for friendships where there’s no possibility of anyone developing romantic feelings. The marital status of the friend is irrelevant to me, because the concern isn’t about physical cheating – I trust my husband not to do anything physical with a friend. And if my husband did want to cheat on me, he doesn’t need a close female friend to do it.
OP
I have a feeling that you and I are different in that you are more private and I am definitely an (over)sharer.
We do discuss mental health (both lawyers in tough practices), childhood issues, family issues, etc. For myself, I view this as part of the human condition, and it’s interesting/meaningful to talk about it. But if my husband (or his wife) magically popped into the conversation, I wouldn’t be embarrassed to continue the discussion.
Never too many shoes...
I ask this seriously, does the above mean you would not share more intimate discussions with a woman friend if she was a lesbian (and therefore could potentially develop romantic feelings)?
I am one of the people that shares the same things with my male friends as my female ones – for me, it is the degree of closeness that matters, not their sex. I am also a very open person with my friends and will discuss literally everything with people I love. I also regularly say the words “I love you” to my friends – for me, that’s not something I ration or reserve only for my husband. But I may be a bit of an anomaly.
Anon
Yes, I do think a friendship with a lesbian or bisexual woman would be a little different. But it’s not *just* about sexuality and sexual attraction, because I also don’t think I would get as close to a gay man as I have gotten to straight women. For me, as a straight woman, it has always been easiest to form close friendships with other straight women, and the people (other than my romantic partners) that I have been the most comfortable fully opening up to have all been straight women. I do say “I love you” to a couple of my closest female girlfriends (the “like a sister” is implied) but can’t see myself saying that to any man or non-straight woman I’m not related to.
Anon
Yep. The potential for attraction or non-friendship feelings mucking up the friendship really does matter. And just because you identify as straight now doesn’t mean transitions later in life can’t happen, so I don’t want the temptation either way. It’s easier to open up with partnered straight female friends as their are two barriers (S*xual preference and an existing partner) to any romantic feelings going on.
OP
Ohhh, Anon @12:25 – I can’t imagine disengaging with my single female friends because they aren’t partnered. They are a source of great strength and friendship in my life.
Anon
If you do weigh sexual preference into this, does that mean bisexual people aren’t allowed to form those types of relationships at all?
Never too many shoes...
My husband and I both have opposite sex friends and we often spend time alone with them. The very idea that men and women cannot be intimates without having sex is so damaging on so many levels.
Anon
+1000
Anon
Totally regressive. Honestly would never marry someone who was wary of me hanging out with platonic male friends.
The Original ...
My best friend in the world is male and his wife has jealousy issues in general. As a result, our friendship often depends on whether she wants him to not talk to me so often because she is feeling jealous (which she even says she knows is silly as she knows and likes me but is something she would rather impede for him than deal with on her own). It’s really difficult for me because I feel like my closest relationship is based on the whims and feelings of someone else.
I’ve also lost dear male friends when they get serious with a woman. 20+ year friendships just go because she doesn’t think it’s a good idea to have close female friends. It’s been heartbreaking.
I ALWAYS make an effort to get to know the women my male friends choose and some of them I become quite friendly with, yet it still doesn’t stop them from outright saying or otherwise making it clear that they aren’t okay with his having female friends.
Sometimes I wish I was married not for myself but to try to safeguard my friendships.
So to all who don’t do this, thank you thank you. Please don’t take friends away from those who happen to be female (or those who are female and single).
OP
Yes, when I was thinking about this, my first thought was…I should thank friend’s wife. I am grateful that she supports the friendship.
Anon
This. IME male friends step back from friendships (not completely but pull back the intimacy of the friendship and how much see one another) once they get into serious relationships. I’ve maintained all of my male friends but now see them maybe quarterly instead of every couple of weeks, mainly at community events where their spouses may or may not be there or after work drinks that typically end at 8. But luckily they haven’t married crazy women and I end up expanding friendships with the wives.
I would be suspicious of a female friend that actively didn’t like me for not apparent reason, it screams territorial. I would discourage that friendship with no shame.
Anon
I always think its a green flag when a man I am dating has close female friends — it shows me that he views women as people, not just potential bedroom partners.
anon
great point.
Anon
This is an excellent point. I think the flip side of this is part of why the Pence rule irks me so much (in addition to the professional ramifications), if you don’t believe men can be friends with women the implication is that men don’t view women as people.
Is it Friday yet?
Yes, this so much. It’s so sad to lose a friendship entirely just because of a jealous girlfriend/wife. I was devastated to lose a 15 year friendship like this – and he did it by ghosting me the week my mother died. Before that happened, I found myself wishing the same thing – that I had a boyfriend so that I wasn’t a “threat” (and he told me flat out that it was an issue, that she was jealous of the fact that we had traveled together in college and that I was thinner than her). We had absolutely NO romantic history, and I had no issue ever in including her whenever I hung out with him, either. :(
Worry About Yourself
My boyfriend has female friends, and it’s no big deal with me. I’ve met a fair amount of them, and he seems genuinely able to have platonic, conventional friendships with women. I’ve also dated men for whom this was not the case; like the one guy who seemed to gardened with a fair few of his female friends, and of the ones he hadn’t been with, he seemed curious about potentially gardening with them at some point, and honestly, that relationship was a waste of time for both of us.
I have a male friend I sometimes grab dinner with to catch up with, and if my guy grabbed dinner with a female friend, I’d probably be okay with it. I mean, it depends on where; if he took her to a fancy restaurant and got all dressed up for it I might wonder what’s up, but if they just met at a bar after work, no biggie.
Ellen
Exactly. Most men are interested in sniffing around us to see if they can get us to take our panties off for them and garden away. FOOEY on them!
Anon
How is the husband going out alone with a female friend any different than you, a wife, going out with a male friend?
Clementine
Nah, very secure in my marriage. My husband has close friends who are female (one particular friend since college who is basically his little sister) and I appreciate that he has these friendships that bring joy and fullness into his life.
Likewise, I have a set of former colleagues (all male) from an old intense, toxic job. It’s a total burnout job and the set of us only survived and thrived because we had this great dynamic of support. We’re still good friends and it’s not unusual for me to have lunch/dinner/drinks with one or more of them. Spouses/partners have joined in the past, but frequently it’s just old friends catching up.
anon
Probably 3/4 of my close friends are men – I’ve tried to befriend their wives, too, as they’ve partnered up (for the most part it’s folks I’ve know for 20+ years). My DH really doesn’t have any close friendships, unfortunately, but I would absolutely welcome it if he did, male or female.
Anon
Well, if the wife doesn’t want the husband to have dinners alone, then she should accept the invitation to join, not nix the friendship.
The person who had been my best friend married a woman who did not approve of him having woman friends: she thought he should either have man friends, or her. Eventually, he dropped our friendship because she couldn’t handle it. She was always invited, always treated respectfully (even when she treated me badly), but fundamentally couldn’t abide the idea of him having a woman her husband could talk to about something that isn’t videogames.
My own attitude is that any friends of mine should be supportive of my husband and my marriage. Makes life easy.
anon
It’s totally regressive, although I think some of it is generational. I’m 30 and have always had very close male friends. My best friend that I grew up with is a man, and nothing weird or even borderline has ever happened. Husband has women friends too, and I support him being friends with people that make him happy and his life better. We sometimes socialize together but often not for a lot of reasons, most of which are convenience related.
I really can’t imagine this being an issue and wouldn’t tolerate it from a spouse.
Anonymous
My husband has one friend that is a woman that he socializes with sometimes. I usually don’t go, just because of logistics most of the time (they go after work, I’m usually home with the kids by the time they get off work.) I trust him and so don’t worry at all. I also have a male friend that I socialize with sometimes. We used to work together and he is about 10 years older than me and was really a mentor. He was not my boss, but had a lot of sway with the upper management and pushed promotions and raises through for me. I see him once or twice a month now that we don’t work together. Usually for lunch. I became friends with his wife through him and so she sometimes joins for lunch and sometimes I go to lunch with just the wife. My husband and my friend also have a shared hobby and sometimes get together for that and also text back and forth about deals on gear and stuff. Nothing remotely close to inappropriate has ever happened with my friend and my husband trusts me so it is not an issue.
Anon
I’m the woman in this situation. My best friend is a married man, I’m a married woman. I met my friend when we were colleagues. I think his wife was uncomfortable with it at first but got over it. There has never ever been anything untoward in our friendship. We just really click as friends.
I think it is key that spouses are welcome to join dinners if they like. I usually have lunch with my friend because of schedules. We are in the same profession so end up at a lot of the same meetings anyway.
Anonymous
Yes, and yes. And I have male friends I socialize with alone. Not so much as I used to, because we mostly live in different cities now, but yea, doesn’t bother me. I do have the one male friend where we once (long ago, while both single and lonely) drunkenly made out, then looked at each other and said “that was weird, let’s never do that again” and remain friends, but the rest have always been totally platonic.
Anonanonanon
Yes and I’m friends with men.
So far, the unofficial rules seem to be that our friends of the opposite gender are friends we had before we were married, and are not anyone we have ever been romantic with. At this point, our opposite-gendered friends are all married or have live-in partners. For the most part, we have also now become friends with eachothers’ opposite-gendered friends, enough to sometimes hang out one-on-one. I will ocassionally have dinner with one of his female friends, and he does with one of my male friends. In both cases they are also married to other people.
My husband doesn’t have dinner with women, but that’s usually because they have family obligations and it’s easier to meet for lunch. My best male friend from college is now married, and I really like his wife, so when they were dating I started messaging both of them at the same time about silly things instead of him so I think that helps the comfort level there.
I have expressed discomfort with one of his friendships, which he cut off without me asking him to. They had been work colleagues and when we got engaged she started texting him a lot of wistful things about how she would have “followed him into battle” etc. She had a boyfriend, but her behavior made me uncomfortable. At our wedding, she showed up with a gift she told me was “just for him” because it was an “inside joke” which I thought was inappropriate and was otherwise really weird around me. Inside jokes and gifts are fine, but not at someone’s wedding! It was one of those situations woman are more perceptive of (he had a real glow up in his mid-30s, and I got the vibe she didn’t consider him when he was unattractive, then she wished she had dated him but was too far in with her boyfriend, then when he got engaged and she realized she had totally missed her opportunity)
Ellen
Yes, it goes both ways. If you have a decent husband, there will be women after him, and that could be a problem, just as most men will go after us if we are smart, cute and bring home a good paycheck, even if we are married. The key is NOT to let these things happen. Dad says nip them in the bud, whatever that means!
Anon
I was just thinking last night that I’m so lucky to have a great group of friends who are always sharing tips, ideas of things to do, etc.
What’s your favorite tip, etc that you’ve learned from one of your friends?
The Original ...
I’ve learned that, though I love flowy tops, because I am hourglass shaped, they always make me look wider than I am. I learned that, though I feel self-conscious about my lower stomach due to some surgeries, wearing clothes that are loose there makes me look pregnant and I hate every photo I’m in.
This has saved me from tons of photo cropping and from buying and keeping items that make me wonder what I was thinking when I see myself in photos!
The Original ...
Having been here since right around when the site’s community was created, I’ve seen many come and go… I’m wondering: What have you gotten from and given to this Hive?
I’ve Gotten:
Modal pants (they came in short lengths, yesssss) from Target thanks to recommendations
A dress (with pockets!) from Brass (that I then found for way cheaper on Poshmark)
Lots of fashion advice that saved me in more ways than I know from what to wear to what needs to get tailored
Great guidance on when I’m being silly versus validating my frustrations
So much vital support during job loss and job searches, and, more importantly, pet losses
A few IRL meetings with amazing strong beautiful brilliant hivemates
I’ve Given:
$5 cookie cards to the group, some of whom still talk about it (which makes me smile every time)
Hopefully some good validation and advice
Travel guidance
Some questions to create platforms for others to share their thoughts and feelings
Your turn!
Housecounsel
I am feeling deprived that I have never met up with Hivemates. How did that come about?
I love the fashion and career advice here. I love that it is a group of focused women with whom I often have a lot in common. I love that I learned about Boden dresses here, and I still mourn the loss of The Skirt that I basically wore nonstop from about 2010-2012.
I love that I have found relevant advice through many career transitions. When I started hanging out here I was a partner in a midsized firm. I became a GC at a family (not my family) – owned company. I was a stay-at-home mom for a few months before finding a unicorn work-from-home spot for less money and prestige and a whole lot more happiness. I’ve been guided through all of that.
I love that we talk about motherhood and work-life balance, but not exclusively. I love that we don’t have mommy wars and we don’t talk about which brand of diapers we prefer. I love that we talk about books, and families, and marriages. I love cheering when you all get promotions and when you get pregnant and when you DTMFA. Did I say that right? I am an almost-boomer so I may not have.
I am probably old enough to be the mom of some of you here. I hope I can help guide you without being the office mom that Allison from Ask a Manager warns against.
I wish everyone here the best and love the positivity and support and lack of sugarcoating. When I left a law firm to go into a “regular” place of employment. I was stunned at how what I thought was direct communication was thought of as confrontational by non-lawyers. I had to adjust my method of communication. I don’t feel that is necessary here.
The Original ...
Where are you located? Maybe knowing that will lead to meeting someone!
Never too many shoes...
Perfectly correct use of DTMFA! Love it.
I would never have found MMLF, Boden or Of Mercer without this place. Or my beloved Revlon volumizer. Or ever known that cheques are still widely used in the US. Or that people seriously consider whether ponytails are professional… the list goes on.
Anon
I’ve been around since the early days and have positive and less than positive experiences. I’ve taken breaks for reasons like being super busy at work and one time because of a weird experience, but I have so far always come back, albeit after the weird experience I came back as Anon.
I don’t buy a ton of the really popular items on here – The Skirt was too short for me as a very tall, I bought the OMG and donated it because I do not understand why everyone is getting so excited about a glorified diaper bag – but I have received advice that helped me, and I have given advice that helped other people, so that is what keeps me coming back.
And THANK YOU for the recommendation of Dr. Jart Premium BB cream, hive!!!!
Anon
Tips for dealing with a truly terrible boss? I looked at Ask a Manager’s “10 signs you have a bad boss article” and I can check all ten of them off. I am stuck in this situation for the next few months and I need to make the best of it.
Issues include unclear expectations, completely unreliable, constantly late to meetings, misses deadlines by weeks or even months, can’t make a decision, contradicts herself all the time (claims she approved something when there is no documentation, or we move forward when she DOES approve something and then she claims she never approved it). She also just sucks as a person. She is moody, irritable, throws members of the team under the bus when she is cornered about something she didn’t do, and has no allies here at the company. I can’t quite believe she still has a job. But in order for me to stay here, I need to make this person like me and feel like I am helping her succeed, even though at every turn she is her own worst enemy.
We already document everything, but she never looks at our documents. Her direct manager is too busy to get involved so we are stuck for the time being. What can I do?
The Original ...
If you can’t get out for some reason, all you can do is polish your resume, cover letter, and social media and job hunt under the radar.
In the meantime, you don’t need her to like you, you just need her to hate you less than she hates at least one other person. (LOL but true for survival) How about starting sentences with “I am wondering if it’d help you if I…” or “Would it make your life easier if…” and essentially keep framing everything as if you are trying to do her a solid. (I know, super bad for career advice in general, but if the goal here is a few months of survival and survival = getting her to think you’re helping her, that may be the lens to run everything through).
In the meantime, be sure to get mental and physical healthcare going on so you don’t become ill through dealing with her toxicity! <3
Anon
Your boss sounds like my boss and honestly I’m already half way out the door. My only strategy in dealing with him is to be patient and not take anything personally. I’m otherwise searching for another job. What’s your long term plan? To stay at your company but transition to a different team? If so, spend your energy to start networking internally and apply to a different team. Don’t spend so much time trying to please this one person. She won’t appreciate any of it and will think it’s her doing anyway that anything is ever successful.
Housecounsel
Are colored jeans – wine, forest green, gray – dated?
Anon
No, in fact they are quite trendy, at least in fall and winter. I think those colors are classics but everything hangs on the cut of jeans and styling.
Anon
Maybe not gray but I think the bright colors are for sure. Wine colored jeans in particular feels very 2012 to me.
Anon
Not gray? Why not? It seems neutral. Is it because it looks like faded black?
Cat
the “not” refers to being dated — so double negative. gray is still good :)
I think other colors aren’t dated as I picked up a dark olive pair just last summer. I don’t think brightly colored denim is current (like bright pink) but gray, olive, black, are still popular!
Cat
Not in my opinion!
Anon
Just bought a burgundy pair and an olive pair this year so I say no!
Vicky Austin
I hope not, because I loved that trend so much.
Anonymous
Dated.
Anon
Classic, not dated, but I would still wear something I loved even if dated. I don’t care about the ever-shifting nature of trends.
anon
I think it’s become a fairly classic look. I’m still seeing colored jeans in stores, so even if they’re not on-trend, they aren’t really outdated, either.
Anon
Any recent J Crew shoppers who are also familiar with J Crew Factory? I always have terrible luck with the fit at Factory. I once ordered 12 pieces and kept 1 because nothing fit right. Is J Crew fit better? I’m eyeing some of their work dresses and blazers.
Cat
Factory mostly re-does the prior year’s JCrew offerings for a lower price point; if the proportions of Factory don’t work for you then I doubt regular JCrew will be much better. You can always live-chat JCrew to get specific measurements for the garments that you’re eyeing – it might help you compare them to similar pieces you have that fit well?
Anon
I disagree with this, I think Factory is it’s own, lower quality line. That might include fit.
Anonymous
The dresses at J.Crew are nicer than those at Factory, so if things were a bit boxy or didn’t fall as you wanted, the J.Crew version may be a better choice.
Anon
Factory sizing runs a bit larger, but I think they’re both quite similar in cut/fit.
anon
Factory shirts are always too short, and knits are sometimes sewn wrong so that the seams shift weird after washing. Regular J Crew is better
Rep Pressley
It’s probably not on anyone’s radar but I’d like to call out how impressed I am at Representative Ayanna Pressley embracing her alopecia areata. She debuted her (particularly nicely shaped) bald head this week. I wouldn’t have the courage to do this, especially with the already beauty expectations on women in the public eye, especially vocal politician. I’ve known lots of people with hair loss issues and think it is a really good thing for women with hair loss issues embracing themselves.
anon
I sae that news and thought she looke and soundd stunning! Very impressed at her support for young girls like herself, and glad that she spoke up about still embracing natural beauty even though her look totally changed. (my words, not hers, sorry, not really doing it justice)
anon
I saw the article on WaPo, it was very moving.
anon
I was impressed, too. And, for whatever it’s worth, she still looks amazing.
Vicky Austin
That was inspiring AF.
Alanna of Trebond
Her embrace of alopecia is inspiring, but I have been disappointed in her comments that Democrats don’t need “brown or black faces” that don’t want to be a “brown or black voice”. It assumes that there are only certain views that are consistent with being a “brown or black voice”.
The Original ...
Helping a friend and needing more feedback, WHAT WOULD YOU DO AND WHY?
Backstory: Friend wants to move to another state to be closer to friends and help out with family (including a relative with special needs). Friend has apartment lease in large complex til May. Friend has had tons of issues with neighbors, filed dozens of complaints, even has a medical document saying it has impacted her health. As such, she thinks she can break lease early if she pushes.
Option 1: Try to break lease for March 1 and move to family ASAP, moving in with them while looking for an apartment. Pros: moving sooner, saving money, better weather, has pet sitting help when she travels for 2 weeks in March. Cons: giving up privacy sooner, need to decide in the next week or so and solidify plan with family.
Option 2: Try to survive in apartment and keep lease til it ends in May, while continuing to look for apartment via computer. Pros: privacy, more time to plan the move. Cons: more money spent on this rent, dealing with neighbors, may have to fight leasing company to break lease, must pay for petsitter in March.
She is struggling to make a decision and I think it’d help her to hear thoughts of others in the variety of ages, stages, and experiences within the Hive. Thanks for those who choose to share, I’ll try to answer q’s here too, if they are asked and if I know the answers or can get them from her before the afternoon post goes up and everyone quits reading this thread!
Anon
Can she find someone to officially sublet the apartment to? I’ve always been able to move whenever I want without a financial hit because I went through the effort of cleaning the place up, posting good photos, holding an apartment open house, and lining up a subletter to take over the lease. That would eliminate one con…
Anonymous
Can you do that with a straight face after these problems though? I couldn’t set someone up like that.
Anon
I see no real upside to no. 2. She’s in an apartment, she can move with a month’s notice. If she’s close enough with her family to want to move closer and help with a special needs she is close enough to live in close quarters for a few months without going crazy.
Anonymous
Option one no question Idk why there’s even a debate. She needs to get out and move on with her life
Anonymous
What is up with the privacy angle? If you have a roommate (unremarkable), you trade off privacy for $. Which is generally fine, unless you are given to walking around nude or have some habits that make even having a closed room awkward. Is there some lifestyle clash with the family? If they are worth moving for, wouldn’t the short-term privacy tradeoff be NBD?
Anon
Break the lease and don’t look back.
Anon
Especially if you’re the person who has posted many times about the pot smoking neighbors.
Cat
What’s up with “no privacy”? Surely it won’t take her months and months to find a new place? I mean I wouldn’t love living with my parents for a month while apartment hunting, but it wouldn’t be so bad I’d stay in a place I hated for 3 extra months.
Anonymous
Is this the poster who has been living in the apartment and dealing with smoke from her weed-smoking neighbors, complaining to management, getting medical opinions, and wanting to know if she can break her lease over it? Or merely a situation that sounds very similar?
Either way … move out, unless the money is impossible to manage. “dozens of complaints” aren’t going to be resolved. Spend the money and move on.
Positive Vibes Only
I would love some thoughts or advice on getting rid of negative energy from my office. I’m not usually super sensitive to “energies” or vibes, but I recently got a new job (yea!) at a place I am really excited about and took over an office from an associate who didn’t work out and was let go several months ago. From what I’ve gathered, there were some professional issues and like ‘coming to work’ issues. I have this feeling like there is lingering negative energy in my office (and I mean like my individual office, not the office at large) that I would love to remove.
Has anyone ever used like a smudging mist spray? I would love to smudge the space, but don’t want to light something on fire (obviously on the weekend or after work on a Friday) or somehow release the negative energy without heavy scents or the need for a match! Any ideas to clear the negative energy from my office? Thanks!
pugsnbourbon
Put up some artwork that you like, get new furniture if you can. And listen to season 2 of The Dream.
Anon
Lighting can be great at changing the vibe. Depending on the space, does it work to get a floor lamp or desk lamp that you like, and that will cast nice light? Pay attention to the type of bulb you purchase. I like “soft white” light a lot, which means the degrees Kelvin measurement of the light bulb is lower than with other colors of light. This measurement is different from the brightness measurement (lumens). A little bit of googling and/or a conversation with a good salesperson at a lighting store can help. Good luck!