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Velvet is looking to be big for fall, but here's a question for you guys: how do you feel about velvet shoes for the office? On the one hand, so many of us have “office shoes” — shoes that live at the office because we commute in something else, so the practicality of wearing them outside never really matters. On the other hand, wearing something totally impractical may make others think you've got poor judgement (or a golden spoon). What do you think, ladies — what you wear velvet shoes around the office? These are (ahem) $630, exclusively at Neiman Marcus. Velvet 85mm Block-Heel Pump, Green
Here's a more affordable option in deep red, and one in hot pink.
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Sales of note for 9.16.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 30% off wear-now styles
- J.Crew Factory – (ends 9/16 PM): 40% off everything + extra 70% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Extra 25% off all tops + markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Let's Play A Game!
What piece(s) in your wardrobe have you owned forever that have been consistently worn, either as classics or as something classic for you?
lawsuited
I have a black cashmere sweater that is fitted in the arms and loose in the body that I wear at least once a week for about 6 months of the year. I’ve owned it for 5 years, and that’s a lot for me.
Lara
You want to make sure to dry clean it regularly, as cashmere collects odors, and releases them once your body heats it up. Not a good omen if you are trying to meet a man. ?
Anon
Oh Hai, Ellen-clone. We’ve missed you.
lawsuited
Thank goodness I am not trying to meet a man!
Anonymous
Or wash with laundress. Once I discovered this I stopped dry cleaning my cashmere.
Anon
Ok, I know you’re a tr 0 ll and just doing your tr 0 ll thing, but you totally didn’t use the word omen correctly. Could you at least try to get your grammar and syntax down while you leave your ridiculous comments?
wow
A boucle wool dark brown/black pencil skirt from Classiques Entier, probably bought 8 years ago. It fits like it was custom made for me, the material is divine, and I can wear it even if I’ve put on a few pounds.
Anonymous
A black chiffon dress from Banana Republic a few years ago. I get bored of clothes really quickly so I tend to donate after a season or two, but I’ve kept that dress and wear it all the time.
RGH
Gap perfect trousers. Worn daily for 5+ years (multiple pairs). Always gentle wash and hang to dry. Some pairs are on their last legs (ha!) but are passable, and they do not make these pants anymore so I’ll soon be really upset unless I can lose a few more pounds and wear the new with tags pairs in a smaller size that I still have in my “skinny clothes” container.
Senior Attorney
I don’t know about “forever,” but I bought a pair of Kate Spade Karolina pumps in pink with rainbow striped heels about six years ago and I still wear them and love them. I will cry salty tears when they finally give up the ghost.
JayJay
Those shoes are my biggest shopping regret. I wanted them so badly and never bought them. And I am still so sad I don’t own them.
emeralds
Blue and white printed cotton sundress that I got on the clearance rack at Old Navy for $11 in 2008. I’ve worn it at least once a week all spring and summer for nine years…
Lilly
Black merino wool BB cardigan.
Anon
A navy blue lightweight wool Theory dress with sleeves. I found it on super sale at Bloomie’s when I was 23 or so and snapped it up, even though it was still a major splurge for me on sale. I’ve had it for 6+ years now and it’s a go-to feel good piece for work.
Anon
2 St. John knit shells. I bought them used at a Junior League shop, and have worn them with suiting for, ahem, 22 years and counting.
Anon
“On the other hand, wearing something totally impractical may make others think you’ve got poor judgement (or a golden spoon).”
I guarantee nobody is thinking that much about your shoes.
...
True, but if you’re the person in the group who can’t keep up while walking/talking from the office to lunch or to a meeting, people will notice. If you are walking like a newborn giraffe, people will notice. If your shoes are horribly loud in an echoing hallway, people will notice. I think some shoes are meant for sitting, which are probably shoes best meant for time with friends who would notice/appreciate them, not for an office where people don’t want to slow down so you can keep up or where it looks like you’re putting on a fashion show more than coming in to do your job!
Anonymous
Yeah but none of that has anything to do with fabrication.
Mineallmine
+1. These shoes are high enough many women, such as myself, would be slowed down, as well as attention grabbing. I wouldn’t care if someone wore them, but I have a personal rule about shoes being attention grabbing or tall, not generally both.
S in Chicago
Unless you’re Melania?
Marshmallow
LOL. But yes, actually, there are plenty of people who would think that much about shoes.
I’d have no problem with the featured shoes for the office. The block heel helps, because at least they look walkable.
Anonymous BigLaw Associate
+1
Anonymous
Velvet shoes read as young and trendy to me, not luxurious.
Anonymous
I bought a similar shoe today in burgundy faux suede with a lower heel. They were $29.99 at T.J. Maxx so once the trend is over, I won’t feel bad if they have to go. I see nothing wrong with the green shoes above if they are paired with the right outfit, but prefer burgundy as it is more of a neutral.
Cat
Probably not, because trendy + harder to care for than suede, which really gives a similar look from the height of the average viewer.
NYNY
I had black velvet ankle boots exactly 20 years ago, and loved them. Despite that, I’m probably sitting the trend out this time around. I see velvet as a strictly going-out shoe fabric. They’re fuzzy and a little shiny, which is too much for the office (at least for me).
Snick
Not my style, but I wouldn’t bat an eye if a colleague wore these shoes, especially if paired with a conservative outfit.
AIMS
I’m not sure I’d care if someone wore them, but to me velvet shoes are like satin shoes, i.e., for evening, not the office.
Anonymous
Anyone know anyone on DACA? Only just realized that it provides no path to legal status but rather just gives you a work permit/school authorization that must be renewed every 2 yrs. How do these “kids” – older ones being in their late 20s/early 30s feel so “secure” then or don’t they? Surely they must have considered that any new administration can deny them the next time they come up for renewal?
Anonymous
Security is relative. It’s better than nothing.
And they hope that by working hard at jobs or in school they will continue to be allowed to stay on renewals and continue to be productive members of society.
Anonymous
Uh yeah they absolutely have considered that? What do you want them to do exactly?
Anonymous
What to you mean? If you felt insecure wouldn’t you plan in case you have to transition to another country? Why not go to trade school or get a portable career like engineering? Every time I see a DACA kid highlighted they’re a college history major which I’m guessing gets them nothing if they suddenly have to uproot to Central America or they’re being lauded for law or med school? Pretty sure a US JD is only good in the US and half a med school degree – if you were ripped out in the middle – wouldn’t help either. And yeah many act secure – announcing their status in high school grad speeches as if it’s a 100% lock that they’re staying.
Anonymous
This statement is completely illogical and demonstrates a lack of understanding of how education or professional designation portability works. Engineering is magically portable everywhere? Yet law school or med school is not portable at all? This does not bear out for any of the 4 countries I have lived and worked in. All are portable to differing degrees depending on the particular country.
Anonymous
Engineering and IT are definitely portable to non English speaking countries. If they aren’t, who do American companies contract out so much lower level IT and engineering to places where they don’t speak English but do well with numbers? Law is definitely not portable. Med def is IF you are able to finish it. My point is – if you’re on DACA why are you SOOO comfortable that you’ll get to stay for 4 yrs college + 4 yrs of med? What if you get pulled out of the US with one yr of med school under your belt? Wouldn’t it have been better to have finished up some skill/trade in the us that gets you an immediate job back in the old country rather than having to deal w someone else’s education system?
Anon
Please stop feeding this troll. Thanks, fellow readers.
Also Anonymous, if you think DACA immigrants don’t wake up and worry about their status every single day…you’re wrong. They do. It’s a horrible albatross made worse by the uncertainty and lack fo clear path forward. They are doing the very best they can, certainly. Be grateful that you won the womb lottery and were born in the US. Many others were not so lucky, and their families made decisions about them as children that have impacted their lives in consequential ways.
Alana
A friend’s husband had to move back to Mexico for immigration-related reasons. I don’t know what he was up to when in the USA, but he worked for a major company as a person to speak to when people call to ask for help (sorry, word-finding problems).
cbackson
The people you’re seeing in the media, though, I would guess aren’t representative of many DACA recipients. Probably lots of people are keeping their heads down and planning for the worst-case scenario.
That said, I would agree with what I think is your ultimate point, which is that the public perception of DACA as some kind of permanent status isn’t accurate…it’s just sort of a pause button.
Anonymous
Uh how about making themselves legal? Why not join the army, serve and get your green card in like a yr and then go to college after?
Anonymous
maybe like a zillion reasons – they have a sick parent to support who they can’t leave, they are the single parent of a child who they can’t leave for deployment or has no one to stay with for basic training, they are disabled in a manner that would prevent them from serving. Or heck, they are female and they are quite rightly terrified of the s.a. rate in the armed forces.
Anonymous
Um most 18 yr olds are able bodied and can serve the yr it takes for a green card. Join up after high school and get your status taken care of – and if you made a baby in high school and can’t serve, well little sympathy there.
emeralds
OMG wow, it must be sooo nice to be sooooo sure about the best way for other autonomous human beings to arrange their lives! Wish I had that level of certainty.
I’ve worked with DACA students from time to time and the thing to remember about these kids is: they were brought to America as really young kids, and educated in American schools with American educational values. It’s not crazy for an American student to get a history degree, so it’s not crazy for a DACA student to get a history degree. They have the same educational goals as just about any other student that I’ve run across. I think when DACA was created, there was also more of a sense of optimism about a path to citizenship or permanent residency for these kids.
One more time, with meaning: DACA students did not choose to immigrate to this country illegally. They were BROUGHT to this country by their families as young children–no four year old is going to be able to say nope, I don’t want to come with Mom and Dad to America without proper documentation.
Anon in NY
DACA immigrants are not eligible to join the military, as far as I know, and they have no clear path to citizenship.
Dahlia
I’m confused. I literally just now went to the US military recruitment website and it said that you must be a citizen or green card holder in order to enlist. I cannot find anything that suggests that you can enlist and get a green card in a year. Can you source that information?
Seventh Sister
I doubt many of them feel secure…it’s been a long time since there has been any major changes to immigration law and it certainly seemed possible (at least at some point in the recent past) that there would be a change that give them more certainty or a path to citizenship. In my city, there are plenty of families where members have different immigration statuses: some are ineligible for DACA, some are citizens, some participate in DACA, some have green cards, some on student visas, etc. It’s super hard and I can’t imagine how wrenching it would be to be in that position.
lawsuited
Based on your name, I always assumed you were from Toronto!
fake coffee snob
Seven sisters colleges, maybe?
Sarabeth
They don’t, which is why creating a path to citizenship is one of the major goals of the immigrant rights movement. But not getting deported in the next few months is step one.
Anonymous
Path to citizenship for former illegals (yes, even DACA) is a slap in the face for legal immigrants. They already wait for years for their legal immigration benefits, pay immigration and attorney fees, pay taxes. People on work visas are often underpaid and tied to the employer that sponsors their visa and promises to sponsor a green card. Oftentimes these promises are broken. There are plenty of hardships on this route.
And then they get to read all the demands for legalizing people who entered the country illegally. Feels great.
I get how unfair the situation is for DACA kids. However, there are several existing paths to legalization and citizenship they can take: marriage, military service, work visa, student visa, and employment-based green cards. I think the DACA population should be made aware of existing options and how to best take advantage of them.
SFBrit
I’m a legal immigrant. I in no way find a path to citizenship for former illegals to be a slap in the face. Why would I?
I absolutely understand what it’s like to try and make your way in a new country, just as they are trying to do.
Anonymous
Not on DACA, but I am on a status (TN) that is similar in that it gives me no legal status in the US and must be renewed every few years. It’s considered non-immigrant, so there is no path to a green card or other permanent status. My ability to maintain that status is 100% tied to my employment. And ability to renew in 2020 will depend on what happens with NAFTA.
Yes, it keeps me up at night. But I made this move eyes wide open, including moving all of my personal and financial assets to the US (including buying a house). I even moved after Trump was president.
For me, its worth the risk given the career opportunities and stronger dollar in the US.
Anonymous
If you have to go would you have enough time to sell the house? Or have you bought it in someone else’s name so they can sell it for you and wire you the money? Bc what if you have to eat the cost of the down payment + any equity? Or is your plan to just default and eat the cost of down payment?
AIMS
I think you can always give someone a power of attorney to attend a closing for you so I don’t think that’s a concern, as far as issues that I would worry about go.
Anonymous
No, I would not have enough time to sell the house if I have to end residency due to job ending. I’d have to be out of the US within either 30-45 days.
My husband & I own it jointly, and there is almost $500k in equity in the house. (So, no, defaulting also isn’t an option). He is in the US as my dependent and has no work status, no residency status.
It would be a major hassle, but I can always leave the US and come back as a visitor if needed to deal with a real estate transaction — I just couldn’t be a resident or working here. Its the same process we took when we came house hunting before the actual move. Owning a house isn’t really a problem (ie lots of folks own vacation properties), aside from keeping mortgage payments going & needing that equity if I need to move back.
We are Canadian, so coming/going isn’t a hard trip, but possibly inconvenient and financially punitive if things don’t work out the way I home.
I don’t like that there are some big things that might not be in my control, but the job opportunity was really that good.
Anonymous
Are you an idiot? You realize foreigners can legally own and sell property right? She wouldn’t forfeit her house just because she got deported.
Lara
Be nice. Not everyone is a rocket scientist like you.
Anonymous
Non-residents can own property in the US.
anonforthis
I have a co-worker on DACA. I think you just take what you can get.
I was on a variety of non-immigrant Visas for nearly 15 years, all tied to school or work. I got laid off and it was terrifying since I had two options: (1) find a job that would hire me and get me an H1-B or (2) be deported to Russia (where I am not even from, but where I have citizenship). My husband is in ever a worse boat because he is essentially stateless. I am now a LPN (my work sponsored me), and my husband should be an LPN quite soon. Being an LPN gives so much peace of mind, and I am sure I will feel even feel when we’re both citizens.
anonforthis
LPN = LPR Not sure how that happened!!
Blonde Lawyer
Just another story to maybe give you some sympathy for people that are different from you. I know someone whose parents came to the US illegally when she was an infant. They purchased a stolen / fake identity for her. She grew up believing her name was x, she was N years old and she had a SSN. She thought her parents had lawfully come to the US. When she was IN HER THIRTIES, she changed jobs and her I9 got kicked back. She thought HER identity had been stolen. After a lot of investigation, she learned that her real birth name was different, her real age was N minus 3 years (I’m not exactly sure how they fooled her on the age but they gave her her SSN at 13, telling her she was 16, and that she had to get a job).
In anyone should be punished, it is her parents, not her. What would you do if someone walked up to you today and said hey, we are taking you to Mexico tomorrow, good luck, when you have never lived there, don’t 100% speak the language, don’t know ANYONE in the country, might not have access to your money?
Turning 35
I’m turning 35 in a few months and, as someone newly and completely single, not interested in buying a home (I move too often and am not at all handy), and as someone childfree, I don’t really have typical life milestones that my friends have. What actions, experiences, or life lessons do you think someone at 35 should have under their belt or in their bag of tricks?
For those older than 35, what do you wish you’d have known at 35?
Anonymous
I’m 32 but in the same boat. My milestones are mostly career-related, I guess. I don’t have a man, car, house, or child and don’t particularly want any of those things either.
I am bitter that I don’t have an excuse to register for nice cookware.
...
I think, if you hit 34 and aren’t even close to marriage, you should be able to register for items for your 35th birthday the way people do for weddings. This way, no matter who you are or what your life situation, everyone gets nice cookware and other awesome home stuff from age 35 on!
Anonymous
That would be awesome! I met my SO at 33 and we don’t plan on getting married for awhile. All my friends who I purchased fancy wedding gifts for are now parents of toddlers and probably won’t be able to travel across the country for my wedding and many don’t have lots of extra cash after daycare for wedding costs. I am happy for them but feel left out of the fancy kitchen stuff club.
Lara
[deleted]
Sloan Sabbith
Fly to the mooooooooon!
Mineallmine
But I like being a battle ax! I get to be all sharp and pointy, and people fear me!
Rainbow Hair
I just turned 35, and the past few years for me have been a lot about self-knowledge. Not in a navel-gazing way (I hope!) but in a “woah I guess I really did need therapy” way. Same is true of my friends around the same age; we’ve been diving into what makes us tick, how we can improve ourselves, how to be kinder, braver, more open, etc.
Ellen
I am now about this age and I too am forced to rethink what it is I will acheive in life. When I was in college, I wanted to be MARRIED, but never found a guy who wanted to marry me. So I went to law school, again hopeing to find a decent guy, but again, NONE materialized–all they wanted was for me to worship them. FOOEY on that! I was a law student too!
So I then went out, got a lousy job, and men NO ONE. Finally, I found my nitch, and after many years, made partner at a boutique law firm doeing workmans compensation. The problem is, I STILL have found NO one worthy enough to marry me. So haveing said all that, I am rethinking if I really need a man. I want a child, but am thinking of INVITRO for getting a baby without a man. Dad will support me, b/c he is also buying me an apartement big enough for all of us.
So for the rest of the HIVE, who turn about 35 or so, this is a turning point for all of us! YAY!!!!!
anon with kids
A bangin’ wardrobe, lots of pets, a house full of cushions and whatever weird collectables you want.
Mineallmine
I was divorced at age 34 and now, 10 years later, all I can say is do it wait until you’re in a relationship to do anything. For me, I bought a house and filled it with color that made me happy. For you, it might be traveling to Paris or starting an investment strategy or whatever. Just do it.
Another thing is that I had a constant low level anxiety about having children until I turned 40 and realized I was happily single. For me, it was good to finally let myself stop feeling the pressure of having kids. I’d had chances to remarry but didn’t do it, and I realized I was making the best choices I could, even if it didn’t turn out entirely the way I expected. You don’t have to have a perfect life to have a good one. Obviously you will make different choices and may prioritize having kids even if your circumstances aren’t ideal, and that’s ok, too!
someone over 35
I agree with mineallmine. Do what you want to do, regardless of whether you’re in a relationship/getting married. Buy yourself the nice cookware etc. if that’s what you want. If you will enjoy it, and you can afford it, start enjoying it now. There’s no reason to wait. My mom once told me (while I was in my twenties and furnishing my first apartment) that people didn’t buy queen-size mattresses until they got married. I was like WTF mom I’m buying a queen-size bed. If I’d taken her advice, I would have been sleeping in a twin bed for another 10+ years!
I would also add that 35 is *very* young. Don’t listen to the ads or other societal messages telling you otherwise. It’s young enough to start a whole new career if you want. Move to a new city if you want. Quit that job you don’t love and find a new one. Think about what dreams you couldn’t live out if you were married/in a long-term relationship/had kids, and do those things now.
Finally, I would advise someone 35 to start saving for retirement, if you haven’t started already, even though retirement is probably the farthest thing from your mind right now. Maybe others are wiser, but I know I wasn’t thinking about saving at age 35, and I probably should have been. Think now about investing in real estate. 35 is a good age to make that investment, even if you do move a lot. I bought my first place at age 34 and am very glad I did, and now I wish I had started even younger.
Politics and Romance
How important is it to you that your partner be on the same page politically? Would you date or marry someone who was opposite? Is this a dealbreaker for you (if you’re still on the dating scene)?
Anonymous
Super very much so. There is such a chasm between the two parties, if you’re thinking about major issues. I dated my DH during the Clinton administration and I barely thought to talk much about it the way I would do if I were dating today.
Hen
Dealbreaker for me, but politics are important to me. Important enough that political apathy might also be a dealbreaker. Luckily, happily married to someone who feels the same way i do!
Anonymous
Dealbreaker. Politics are important to me as I think of them as reflective of my values. I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t share my values.
Anonymous
adding that if values/views don’t match up exactly, I would consider being with someone who was open minded and willing to discuss their views in a very thoughtful way. DH was pro LGBT rights in terms of employment/housing but not marriage when I met him ten years ago. We had some good conversations and now he is pro-LGBT marriage as well.
Anonymous
I’m a lifelong republican and always thought that there was a strong conservative case for gay mariage — how will you be able to sort out the players or demand that someone make an “honest woman” out of you if marriage isn’t on the table? Never mind how it complicates property rights of couples / sorting out next of kin / ERISA / income tax inequities (no marriage penalty if you can’t get married vs married straight people).
lawsuited
I find that political leanings relate pretty closely to values about civil rights, education, health, etc., and I really can’t imagine I would have married someone with different values from me. Never say never, obviously, but I didn’t even date anyone who had drastically different values from me for very long.
Cookbooks
Agreed!
NYNY
This is an interesting question. DH and I are very much on the same page, but he was not very interested in politics when we met. I have always been, but his level of engagement really grew since the GWB years and Sept.11. I suppose that there was a possibility that he would have come out on a different side than me at the time, and I know that I would have a hard time with that.
My parents have always been in opposing political parties, but their overall philosophy is not that far off. (Mom = centrist Dem, Dad = centrist Rep). They didn’t discuss politics much when I was growing up, and had a very live and let live attitude towards each other’s affiliations. But in recent years, Dad has felt abandoned by his party and has become very vocally anti-Trump. So over time, they have grown more similar instead of more different.
Lara
My ex was a liberal and me a conservative. But between the Sheets it mattered not?
Sloan Sabbith
Sheets isn’t a proper noun.
Anonymous
I identify as a moderate Democrat. I don’t think it would be a dealbreaker if he leaned conservative, especially on issues I’m not passionate about, or voted for Republican candidates. But I could not be in a relationship with someone who supported and/or voted for Trump. I know a lot of women who feel similarly – I think the 2016 election was pretty unique that way. Luckily, DH is more liberal than me, voted and campaigned for Hillary and is a super big feminist.
Anonymous
It’s a deal breaker. I’m flexible but if he voted for Trimp no. Because values.
Anonymous
Absolutely a dealbreaker. I can’t imagine being with someone who doesn’t think women are equal or gays are inferior. That would signal a major lack of morals, compassion, and intelligence.
Anonymous
I agree with this 100%
Sarabeth
And this is true not just because of values, but also for plain old self-interest. If someone is racist and homophobic, they do not regard all other people as equally human. I do not want to stick around long enough to find out which of our differences will put me in the “other” category.
ex Orange Line Rider
Not a deal breaker.
Political deal breakers would be obnoxious about it, obnoxiousness, even being too far along the part of the spectum I’m on. I have friends across the spectum. The ones I can’t stand, politically, are people on my side who are very smug / superior / won’t shut up aboug fringe or alienating issues.
Tonedeafness matters. Kindness matters. Decent people can have discussions but others just shout down everyone not of exactly the same view and I hate that. I’d rather spend Thanksgiving looking down at my phone and texting.
Anonymous
Very! In general I can “agree to disagree” with the people I care about. My mom’s a yellow dog Democrat and my dad’s whatever the Republican version of that is, so I grew up with the understanding that people who care about each other may have differing opinions about issues that matter to them. I was really taught that you can respect other people’s opinions without sharing them. That’s my baseline understanding of relationships.
But I started to move away from this position circa Sarah Palin and the Tea Party. Some opinions are dumb. Some opinions are harmful. I can “agree to disagree” about the role of the Fed in monetary policy or something, but I’m not at all prepared to agree to disagree about whether people deserve human rights or whether climate science is, you know, real. Or whether Trump is a good president.
I am really sympathetic to people who feel like the Republican Party isn’t the Party they signed on for when they became Republicans. I genuinely am: my dad, whom I love so much, is someone in this position, as is my brother.
But if you’re completely on board with the way things are going and you’re hellbent on MAGA, I just can’t. It’s a dealbreaker in pretty much all my relationships, not just romantic ones.
Senior Attorney
This. I feel like we left “agree to disagree” in the dust on a lot of issues, a good long time ago.
Never too many shoes...
This completely, and I am not even American. Agree to disagree is for things like some trade issues or other administrative policy. But you don’t think that women are entitled to equality, either in employment, wages or, particularly. with respect to their bodily autonomy No thanks, ain’t nobody got time for that. Not in the world we live in right now.
Anon
Dealbraker. Even in close non-romantic friendships.
Sarabeth
Dealbreaker, absolutely. We don’t have to agree about all specific policies or votes. I know and love many people whose political analysis is different than mine, meaning that we have different ideas about how to advance our common goals. But they need to be common goals. I can debate the merits of the ACA v. Medicare for All v. other insurance models, but I cannot be in a relationship with someone who thinks that people who can’t afford insurance should just be left to die.
Rainbow Hair
I think it depends on what you mean by politics. If we have the same values (equality, social responsibility, choice) but slightly different views on how to get there, sure, that’s fine. But if we differ in politics because we differ in values (you think some people deserve worse treatment than others, basically) then eff you, it’s not gonna work.
Green Hat
Definitely a dealbreaker. Even pre-Trump, conservatives pushed (and are still pushing) policies that would take away rights and/or opportunities for me and the people I love. The GOP wants to make it way more difficult, if not impossible, for me to control whether and when I have a child. The GOP would like to take away federal funding that the public school I went to relied on to provide the AP classes that ultimately allowed me to get into college and move up the socio-economic ladder. The GOP turns a blind eye to the police brutality that makes my friends of color live in constant fear. The GOP would like to roll back environmental regulations, which in turn will hurt the quality of my air and water and leave my children to grow up in a rapidly-warming climate. The GOP doesn’t want my gay friends to get married and be able to adopt children.
Supporting those policies means not supporting me and the interests of the people I love, and I can’t have a partner that isn’t supportive.
Anon for this
I am politically conservative and am open to partners who share my beliefs or to partners who have different beliefs. I think it is possible to agree to disagree, and I don’t mind giving friends and significant others space to do that and to explore, because I think all of our views are evolving as time and circumstances change. Unfortunately, however, I don’t think it is common for this tolerance (for lack of a better word, I really do wish I could come up with a better word there) to go both ways. It makes me sad that I can respect my friends’ political priorities when they are different than mine, when it feels like they don’t afford me that same respect.
Green Hat
See my comment above. Many conservative beliefs involve infringing on the rights or opportunities of others, while most liberal beliefs do not. (I say most – I do realize that some liberal beliefs, like gun control, do involve infringing people’s perceived rights).
Anon for this
Green Hat, I disagree with your characterizations of both conservatives and liberals. I would say I identify as conservative because I value individual liberties, not infringing on the rights of others as you characterize conservative beliefs. It would be difficult for us to discuss this because you apparently bring a lot of biases and labels to a starting point of discussion, and I would not want to have to start from such a place of defensiveness. But this has made me wonder if I bring such unfair and unreasonable biases with me as well, so thank you for the thought provocation.
Anon
You poor thing.
Anonymous
Nope zero respect for you. Cry me a river. When you start respecting the rest of us we can talk.
Anonymous
Bigots don’t deserve respect.
Anonymous
Like you? Saying sixty million people are horrible humans is more than a little bigoted.
Anon
Anon didn’t even say what her specific conservative beliefs are and you immediately labeled her a bigot. Please, tell me more about how you’re so respectful and open-minded.
anon
So Anon for this didn’t actually demonstrate a lack of respect for others or bigotry in her post. Let’s not be nasty for no reason.
Anon
+1. Painting all conservatives as bigots is shallow and will hand Trump the next election. If you can’t be a respectful adult because it’s the right thing to do, at least do it so Trump won’t win again.
Anon
Definitely a dealbreaker for me.
Wild kitten
Instawave reviews?
Eager Beaver
I still like mine. I don’t “do” my hair very often though, so it gets used once a month or so.
pugsnbourbon
Ohhhh these are lovely. Wildly impractical, absurdly out of budget, but so, so lovely.
Torin
Agree, and love the color. But I would never spend this much on something so easy to ruin.
BabyAssociate
Double agree. So pretty.
Never too many shoes...
Did you see these ones? I am dying…but even I draw the line at a thousand dollars for fancy velvet shoes….
http://www.neimanmarcus.com/en-ca/Prada-Embellished-Velvet-Pump-Black/prod200030143/p.prod?icid=&searchType=MAIN&rte=%2Fsearch.jsp%3Ffrom%3DbrSearch%26request_type%3Dsearch%26search_type%3Dkeyword%26q%3Dprada+velvet&eItemId=prod200030143&cmCat=search&tc=15¤tItemCount=7&q=prada+velvet&searchURL=/en-ca/search.jsp%3Ffrom%3DbrSearch%26start%3D0%26rows%3D30%26q%3Dprada+velvet%26l%3Dprada+velvet%26request_type%3Dsearch%26search_type%3Dkeyword
Hen
“ECI New York” reviews? I keep getting ads and I’ve never heard of them. What clothing line would you compare them to?
Anonymous
Alfani, maybe? Some middling brand sold at Macy’s.
Anonymous
It’s pretty important, and it’s essential on social issues. I could have reasoned debates with an intelligent, open-minded person about the level of regulation that is appropriate, issues of government waste, and areas in which there should or should not be federal interference, etc. and still sleep with them, but no one who is actually against government, against social programs and safety nets, or constantly talking about keeping “our money” instead of paying taxes.
Wardobe and Location
How much does your wardrobe change when your location does? I’m not just talking weather-related changes but style-wise too. For example, do you wear the same clothes in the winter in NYC as you would in the winter in a midwestern city? What kind of changes do you make, if you do?
Anonymous
I live in NYC. I don’t bother bribing fancy clothes to Boston.
Anonymous
Not a real answer, but I live in the SEUS and got lectured for wearing a suit to a client lunch in LA, so I’ve learned that I should probably be more thoughtful about this than I have been in the past.
LAnon
Haha – I just posted about the anti-suit culture in LA!
It’s a little unfair because men in LA can wear classic suits and look like they might be fancy movie producers, but powerful women in LA tend to have a more individualistic aesthetic.
LAnon
A lot!!
I live in LA and usually love that I can wear just about anything and be experimental at work. However, I do like going to NY for work because sometimes it’s nice to wear more conservative, “grown-up” clothes that would make you look stuffy in LA, like a classic dark suit with pearls. And when I go home to the Midwestern city where I grew up, I basically don’t bring anything dressy – partially because I’m not working and partially because no one ever seems to wear anything nicer than jeans, even to go out on Friday/Saturday nights.
Cat
I choose pieces from my existing wardrobe that suit the “mood” of the destination (more preppy/colorful vs. urban/sleek vs. practical/gear), but rarely buy anything specifically for travel.
Anon
I’m most formal in New York, second most in San Francisco (home base) and business casual everywhere else. Even working on the peninsula or east bay of the SF area is, for me, more casual in than the city
Rainbow Hair
I started working in NYC, then in Chicago, and now (outside of) LA. I’ve softened up my color pallet as I moved west. In NYC it was all black and grey and maybe some white (or like, on Christmas, red). I sometimes did “pop of color” shoes. In Chicago it was more black/grey skirt suits with a colorful shirt underneath. Sometimes even a colorful dress with a dark blazer. When I started working in California I noticed how much more severe my clothes were compared to my colleagues. I made — and am making — a real effort to lighten up. I *like* structured, suit-like clothes for work, and I love wearing black and grey, but I’ve done a good job of incorporating jewel tone and floral dresses to try to be a bit brighter. The woman I work with most often has such cool style, and wears things like a flawless black and white patterned romper with a mustard blazer and she just kills it — it’s inspiring, even if I can’t imitate it.
Marshmallow
My law firm did a global retreat thing and the CA associates laughed their @ off at the NY associates because we were so “dressed up.” ALL of us intentionally dressed down for the occasion and we were still overdressed. So, yeah, a lot.
MJ
Massively. I grew up in SoCal by the beach and almost never wore anything but flip flops. I went to college in NorCal. I have lived in LA (beach), London, NY, Colorado, SF, Silicon Valley, rural New England and Boston.
I dress completely differently in those places (and other–my brother lives in the SouthEast) when I visit. I understand that if you dress a certain way in London, you get treated a certain way. Same with NY. I understand that Boston is not a fashion-y city and Silicon Valley is casual in a way that dressing up is seen as wrong. I wear heels in certain cities (NY, London) and flats in others (SF, Boston). I dress for comfort in Boston, and not just because of the weather–because no one in my office judges because they just don’t. I look nice for clients when I need to, and I look nice/presentable the rest of the time.
Enginerd
I grew up in SoCal, went to school in the South, and am now back in SoCal. I tend to dress on the preppier/classier side of SoCal casual, especially for my casual-business-casual office, but I’ve definitely had to alter my wardrobe from the South. I got a beautiful string of pearls for graduation from my grandmother, and I thought they would be a perfect classic to wear to work all the time, because they were so normal in the south. I wore them a handful of times at work before realizing they just don’t fit in to SoCal styles.
Anon
Engineer, if you are still reading you might consider restyling your pearls. For instance, you could have them wire-wrapped and add a pendant or removeable enhancer. Look at kojimapearls website for ideas. I restyled my classic pearls with a large freshwater drop shaped pearl on the clasp, which I wear in front, and it gave them a more hip, less traditional look.
I hate to think of your lovely pearls going unworn! You can always have them restrung back into the traditional style in the future (nothing is forever )
Yes, I am pearl obsessed :)
Anonymous
THESE SHOES! Ommmggg.
Rainbow Hair
I love them.
Senior Attorney
Yup. Love.
emeralds
Yeah they are yummy. Love.
Shoes
I thought that leather / suede shoes were for daytime and fabric (including velvet) shoes were for evening. Yes? No?
I do love these, but I’m on Team Hot Pink and absent going to an AKA convention, these might be not quite right in my life (although sometimes I need to be so, so wrong).
Cat
Velvet is now acceptable for daytime when it’s styled “fun” like this! I bought a pair of velvet sneakers and ADORE them (n.b. I sprayed them many, many times with lightweight coats of Scotchgard first).
jwalk
The “deep red” link goes to the same green shoes.
San Rafael
Any thoughts on living near downtown San Rafael, CA? I have a job opportunity in the area and am thinking of relocating to San Rafael (I’m currently out of state, but grew up in the Bay Area). Thoughts on San Rafael, in terms of schools, things to do, ability to walk places, place to raise kids, etc?
Anon
It’s lovely if you can afford it. It is very very not-diverse but the physical beauty and climate can’t be beat.
San Rafael
Ha, I was just reading an article about how San Rafael is the most diverse town in Marin County. :) :) It’s all relative clearly…
Anon
I live in Berkeley and have a close friend who lives in San Rafael so I spend a lot of time there. I also worked in Marin for 10 years. Diversity-wise, San Rafael and Berkeley are night and day.
Marise
Weather in San Rafael is ten times better than SF. Yes, it’s less diverse, but friendly and progressive, and generally a pretty good place to raise kids. Also, great hiking, biking and so close to the beach.
New shoes
What do we think of these as fall office shoes (biz casual)? I wear mostly black pants. http://www.zappos.com/p/tommy-hilfiger-harvard-bronze-pu/product/8929987/color/105915
Senior Attorney
I feel like bronze is a great neutral to jazz things up. I’d wear these to the office in a heartbeat.
AZCPA
I’m wearing bronze shoes at this moment (oxfords) and love them – they go with everything from black pants to jeans.
Anonymous
What’s your view on longer term assistance for the 500k+ undocumented immigrants in Houston? Food/shelter are already being provided — I’m taking about when FEMA starts moving ppl into hotel rooms and trailers etc. Came up in today’s White House press conference.
Anonymous
That 100% of FEMA assistance should be provided to anyone harmed by the storm and FEMA should not be permitted to ask about immigration status at all.
Marshmallow
+1
joan wilder
+2. And besides the moral imperative, an enormous number of people affected by flooding may have lost access to their documentation of citizenship and it would cause undue hardship.
Turtle
Kat, the red shoe link just goes to the green shoe.
Lara
Pretend you’re color blind and live your life, Turtle. You must get out of your shell and socialize!
Turtle
Huh?
Sloan Sabbith
She is a….bridge dweller, Turtle.
family travel costs
How do y’all handle travel costs for family vacations when it’s all adults? We’re spread out, with a couple on the east coast, couples in different west coast cities, and mother in the south. Two of us have parents/in-laws in the same city in the south, so in theory, it makes most sense for us to travel to that city for family time.
But of course, it’s complicated. Brother doesn’t want to come home for Christmas, apparently ever again. Sister and BIL have pretty inflexible schedules, making longer travel over Christmas ideal, though they are willing to make something work at another time of year if given enough notice. Mother is just generally a difficult traveller, and thinks that her children should either come to her city all the time, or pay for her to go to their cities.
We’ve discussed some kind of neutral location or rotating travel among the various cities, but Brother and SIL will most likely just not come on years when it’s not their turn to “host”. My feeling is that we should pool all the travel costs and split them equally each year, since it’s not really fair to make Sister and BIL pay to come all the way to the west coast when Brother and SIL will intentionally opt out if they have to pay to fly all the way to the east coast the next year.
Further complicating things: DH and I earn the most, can work remotely if needed, and we aren’t going to have kids, so we will always have the most money and the most flexibility to travel. So sure, I’m happy to pay a little more time and money to visit, but not ALL time and ALL money for the next 20 years.
Anonymous
I’ve always thought in bigger families it’s common for adult children to keep returning “home” for holidays, unless the parent is too infirm to host or has sold the family home and downgraded to a condo that won’t fit all the siblings or something like that. My husband’s mom is one of six siblings. For decades all the adult children returned to the parents’ home twice/year for Passover and Thanksgiving, despite the fact they all lived on the coasts, all had kids, and the parents’ home was in the Midwest. When the parents passed away, it switched to the eldest sibling doing the hosting. There’s no rotating and there’s no sharing travel costs, although when the parents hosted they put people up in their large home and provided a lot of food, so the travelers bought their airplane tickets and not much else. The oldest sibling doesn’t have much space so now everyone has to buy flights and hotels.
Rainbow Hair
I don’t think you can make a large, decades-long plan for these things. I think you just have to take each trip as it comes. Life has so many complications and twists and turns: what if someone’s job gets transferred to another city? What if someone has a health issue that complicates traveling? What if someone gets a great high-paying job and can unexpectedly afford to host? What if a flexible job becomes inflexible, or vice versa? What if someone gets really into fostering kittens and can’t leave home? It seems like any agreed-on cycle of travel arrangements will get messed up before it can even be implemented!
If one unit is unwilling/unable to travel, and you can and want to, you go. If you want to buy someone’s flights and host so they can come see you, go for it – but you’re under no obligation. And they’re under no obligation to come.
My family tends to congregate at my parents’ house, which is now convenient for me, but when I lived far away from them it wasn’t convenient — I just missed most holidays, but didn’t hold it against anyone. Sometimes family visited us where we lived, and to the extent it made sense, we helped with their costs.
One thing we do that I love, and that kind of equals things out (a bit? sometimes) is meet somewhere close to the middle and rent a house. I have done this with my sister and her fam, so all the cousins can play together. The travel is equally (in)convenient for everyone, and then we split the housing costs down the middle — and everyone chips in for groceries. It’s a pretty great new tradition to develop, an aunts/uncles/cousins party house!
Torin
I think you have to give up on the idea that you can make people show up for the holidays. Even if it were simply an issue of sharing costs (which, why?) or unequal costs, some people might simply want to do other things.
Anonymous
I think you have to give up on the idea that you can make people show up for the holidays. Even if it were simply an issue of sharing costs (which, why?) or unequal costs, some people might simply want to do other things.
Anon
I think you give up on the idea of having a fun family vacation. Sounds like your siblings don’t want to do it so don’t try to force it. It will just be disappointing for everyone.
family travel costs
I’m in agreement with all of the posters suggesting let people do what they want. The driving force is Mother wanting to have a Norman Rockwell painting as her Christmas and having a big family trip every year. Her extended family lives within driving distance, so she’s used to having all the siblings go to her parents’ house every year. That’s what she wants now that she’s the parent, but her kids don’t live <4 hours driving distance away.
It sounds like the answer is Mother needs to get over the fact that Brother won't come to Christmas, and me and Sister can plan things together because we like each other. And I just need to have a thicker skin about Mother's complaints that her children are terrible because we don't come home multiple times a year and we don't feel obligated to fly her out to see us multiple times per year. "Equitable split" is just the wrong way to solve this.
Anonymous
Yup.
anonymous
Exactly. My mom was the same. She wanted all three of her kids always with her every single holiday and that just wasn’t going to happen, when for one thing I needed to spend at least half the holidays at my MIL’s house and I also wanted to spend time with my dad. That left one third of the holidays, max, at my mom’s. She would lay on the guilt so heavy that it eventually became intolerable. You just have to ignore it as much as you can. Honestly I don’t blame your brother. Your mom should count herself lucky that any of her kids remain wiling to spend the holidays with her and listen to all the guilt and complaints.
Anon
I stopped going “home” for the holidays as soon as I had my own kids. I think this is common. I see my family members when I can but there is no annual vacation with all of us. That stopped in my twenties.
I think this is typical.
LHW
I do not thing it’s appropriate to ask everyone to split travel costs. My husband and I make significantly more than my brother/SIL and are in a better financial position than my mother. I acknowledge we pay and do most of the traveling. The effort and time is hard to swallow at times.
Be inclusive of everyone in the family. Respect a rotation is needed for some member and accept that everyone can’t be together for each holiday.
It does sound like you’re trying to make your mom happy. Perhaps she just needs something to look forward to? Planning a time where the whole family is together may suffice.
lsw
Style help thanks! I posted last weekend about shoes to wear with a navy Ted Baker sheath, and I got the orange patterned Sam Edelman shoes. I looooooooooooooooove them, so thanks for the encouragement to bite the bullet! (I’m also still considering a fascinator…)
Rainbow Hair
Yay!!! I’m so glad it came together.
Lara
You’ve got the bucks, so be prepared to bankroll the family. Be grateful you are so fortunate, like the Griswalds in the Vacation movie.
anon for this
I’ve been at my job since January. I found out today that one of my co-workers, who is senior to me but not somebody I report to, is telling people, including my immediate boss, that I have a bad reputation and that people don’t like me because I’m unfriendly /aloof. I don’t work in that co-worker’s department at all, but he’s disgruntled about that and wants to be able to give me work from his department. I am polite to Disgruntled Coworker when I have to be but mostly avoid him.
My immediate boss said not to worry about it because she and grand-boss are happy with my work and personality. (I’m in a sometimes-outward-facing role, and it’s also a very social workplace.) Grand-boss heard the same information either from Disgruntled Coworker or someone else, and he (a) discounted it as Disgruntled Coworker being disgruntled about something that was Grand-Boss’s decision, and (b) asked someone closer to my level whom he trusts whether he’s heard anyone else say that (he hasn’t). So, Boss and Grand-boss are happy with my work, and there’s no evidence that anyone besides Disgruntled Coworker has an issue with me personally.
I’m worried that this is one of those situations where Disgruntled Coworker saying things often enough will make it true. Basically, if he creates a bad reputation, other people will start to believe it and start to see things in a way that fits that narrative.
Is there anything I can do? I do think I’m friendly with people and get along well. I go out for happy hours and attend other company social events. But I am more of the type to come in and do my work, and I don’t chat with people much unless I run into them in the break room or hall–I don’t stop by people’s offices much, but there doesn’t really seem to be a culture here of other people doing that. Today I ate lunch in the break room (it’s not as though anyone eats there everyday, but there are always 5-10 people in there). I’ve made an effort to keep my door open. And I’ve been more conscious about saying hello when I pass people (I think I usually do this, but sometimes I’m just in my own head space even when I’m walking to the bathroom or something). But if Disgruntled Coworker is just going to make stuff up, I feel like I won’t be able to get ahead of the next set of rumors.
...
I think you’re doing the right thing. If you think it might help, maybe if you see Disgruntled with another one or two employees somewhere, maybe ask them? “I’ve heard you are unhappy working with me, I’d love to know why so we can collaborate better in the future!” Maybe it’d make them clarify, maybe it’d make them claim they love working with you (and this would spread since other colleagues are in the room to hear it), or maybe they would clarify the issue so you’d know why?
For all you know, they wanted their pal to get the job you got or they fear you getting a future promotion over them.
Anonymous
I know this is late, but I was in a similar situation with my last job. To cut to the chase, I just tried to ignore and maintain my working relationships with other people. I was careful not to bad-mouth the disgruntled and not to address the rumors unless I was directly asked. It soon became apparent to others that my disgruntled coworker had an issue with me. Ultimately, it made her look really bad and difficult to work with.
You can’t control the rumors, but you can control your actions. Most mature people will judge you by your actions, not by the hearsay. I know you may not have the fortune to work in a mature or functional workplace, but so far those that really have a say in your career at this work place appear to be ignoring the disgruntled coworker.
anon
It sounds like you will be fine. You’ve spoken openly with your boss and grand-boss, and they are on your side. I tend to avoid people who say negative things about me, but if you are brave, you might want to talk to this person directly. When you approach him, try to sound concerned and curious, not at all defensive. Just say, “I heard you think I’m unfriendly. I wanted to clear the air and make sure I haven’t done anything to offend you.” If you are open and nice, and this person is reasonable, it could work out in your benefit and put this behind you. If this guy seems totally out of touch with reality or nasty, don’t approach him though.
I worked at a company where social butterflies were valued more than introverts. It’s good to go out to happy hours, etc, but you might want to find a couple people to really befriend at work. Think about who you like and have something in common with and ask them to coffee or lunch. Try to learn about their lives and be more than just co-workers. Put some energy into relationships, beyond what you might naturally want to do. This isn’t essential, but it could help you be happier at work and also have more of a safety net. You will be more of a known entity, and you can consult with people to get their reactions and insights when you run into issues like this. It helps ease anxiety and also broaden your perspective about inner politics at play.
Anonymous BigLaw Associate
I would wear these. I wore a pair of oxblood velvet booties on the regular last winter.