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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
This dress by Nic + Zoe comes in regular and petite sizes (up to XL) as well as plus sizes (pictured), and I love the twist of fabric at the side — I think it creates an elegant drape. It's also a great neutral, and it's just a great, flattering style. I love the way this print isn't exactly horizontal or vertical overall, and I really like the teal with the black, too. The dress is made from stretch jersey and is lined, and it's hand washable, line dry. The plus-size version is $188 while straight and petite sizes are $168 at Nordstrom. You can also find it at Neiman Marcus in bright jade, and the same print is available in the Vivid Ruche Top at Nic + Zoe. Pictured: Vivid Twist Detail Dress
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Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Looking for recs
Looking for a new foundation. I have combination skin that lately has been pretty dry but I’m prone to breakouts from anything that includes oil. Problem is I’m also super pale (so like Clinique’s Alabaster shade was too dark/orange on me). Any recommendations? Tried going to Sephora but they weren’t very helpful. Max pricepoint is about $50 per bottle.
Also any recs for moisturizers would be really helpful! Mine doesn’t seem to be doing the job very well anymore (La Roche Posay Toleriane Fluid) and while I love that it doesn’t break me out and is gentle, they’re soon phasing it out so I need to figure out what to switch to anyways.
Anonymous
I have similar coloration and skin issues and have been happy with Urban Decay’s Naked Skin foundation.
Cookbooks
I have similar coloration and skin issues and have been happy with Urban Decay’s Naked Skin foundation.
Looking for recs
Looks like this has oil in it unfortunately :(
Cookbooks
I know La Roche Posay Double Repair Face Moisturizer is oil-free, but I haven’t tried it myself.
Looking for recs
I’ve actually tried the double repair and didn’t like it at all. It just sat on my face and didnt absorb.
Anonymous
Also really pale here. I like bb creams and tinted moisturizers and then using a really good concealer to pinpoint cover my spots. I like Dear Klairs (korean bb cream) and Dr. Jart BB dis a pore. Both are good for pale skin and contain no oil. I use NYX alabaster concealer in the pot and a very small brush to cover spots.
Msms
I like It Cosmetics CC Cream in the original formula. It’s nice and moisturizing and very pigmented so you don’t have to use much. Even in the worst of winter I don’t have to use a separate moisturizer underneath it. It’s my go-to recommendation for anyone with dry skin.
They also have a matte version which, according to reviews, isn’t really matte at all. It may be better for combination skin. If there’s an Ulta near you you can try them on in-store and see how they wear before you buy.
JHC
+1 for the It CC Cream. I love this stuff.
Anonymous
Definitely try it because their lightest shade was still too dark for me.
Anon
Yes go to the store (Ulta) and try the It CC Cream with a salesperson. I’m in between the lightest two shades, but it was the only thing that moisterized and didn’t break me out and still provided some level of coverage. They taught me how to blend the two shades to make sure it’s a consistent color each time that worked for me.
If the lightest shade is too dark, they may have another product (like in the matte line or the bye bye line) that you could mix to get to the right shade.
Anon
I found all their shades extremely yellow, FYI
In-House in Houston
Have you tried Bare Minerals? They have a liquid foundation that is really good. And they’ll blend it for you so that it’s a perfect match.
January
I like their Complexion Rescue gel-cream. Works well on my breakout-prone skin. The palest shade is fairly pale (and slightly pink-toned), but I am not the fairest of them all, so I can’t say whether the color would work for you.
Looking for recs
Thanks everyone! Will look into all of these
Anon in NYC
Have you tried Laura Mercier tinted moisturizer? I like it for light coverage.
anon a mouse
+1
It’s one of the few moisturizing foundations that is pale enough for me. They have an oil-free version as well.
K
My 2 favorite foundations currently are the Too Faced Peach Perfect foundation and Maybelline Fit Me Matte.
I have combination oily, breakout prone skin.
For the skin tone issue – is your undertone more pink? Try the first 2 or 3 shades in a foundation line. The first one might be fair with yellow undertones, second might be the same shade with pink, and the third might be fair with neutral undertones. Just because the “lightest”/first shade doesn’t match doesn’t mean you won’t find one.
Current moisturizer is the Drunk Elephant Protini Polypeptide cream – pricey at $68 but I really like it. Their Lala Retro Whip Cream is also excellent.
+
I agree with this advice. In the Clinique Acne Solutions make-up (which I love, btw), I wear the Fresh Ivory (third color with more yellow undertone) while the Fresh Alabaster is too dark (the lightest and very pink color).
Anon
Lancome is the only brand I have found with colors pale enough for me. I used to use their liquid foundation but recently switched to primer + full coverage powder, which I think is helping with my skin situation.
Anon
Loreal True Match Mineral in natural ivory.
Delta Dawn
+1 for this– I am super pale (my best color matches have had names like “translucent”) and have had success with the lightest shade of Loreal True Match. I don’t recall if it’s oil free, but I have similar skin concerns and didn’t have problems with it.
Anononon
I’m pretty pale and I think I’m the fifth or so shade in the Fenty pro filtr line. Also combination skin and I like that foundation a lot. Used to use Urban Decay naked foundation and my skin likes the Fenty one much better.
M
Fellow pale person here. I use Clinique’s CC cream but for some reason, Sephora doesn’t carry the lightest shade so I get it from Saks instead. It’s worth double checking the available shades online if you otherwise like the formulation.
Anon
To address the paleness issue but not necessarily the oil issue (although you might be reacting to an irritant other than oil, so these are worth a try). I’m a bit of a makeup hound, so I think many of these are off the radar of the typical Dior Lancôme crowd here.
1) Fenty
2) Tarte Amazonian Clay – low oil, mostly clay, natural pigments, Vitamin E
3) Jouer Essential High Coverage Creme Foundation – Oil free
4) Maybelline My Fit Me – Matte + Poreless Formulation
5) Makeup Forever Ultra HD
6) MAC Pro Longwear Nourishing Waterproof Foundation
7) Nars Natural Radiant Longwear
BabyAssociate
+1 for Makeup Forever Ultra HD
LAnon
+1 for both Makeup Forever Ultra HD and MAC Pro Longwear. I have fair skin and very pink undertones – both of these have shades that don’t look too orange/yellow on me. I have found that Clinique always looks yellow on me, even the very fair shades. So maybe look for different undertones in addition to just the shade.
Anonymous
+1 Makeup Forever HD for the pale and pink
Anon
Also really pale, but with pink undertones, which is nearly impossible, in my experience, to find. I had the best luck (for my wedding and other special occasions) with bobbi brown in the 1.25 cool ivory skin foundation stick – note there are 5 more shades even lighter than that. I would give them a try at the mall and see how it goes.
For day to day, I use the Neutrogena mineral sheers pressed powder foundation in their Natural Ivory (20) shade, and it’s pretty close for me and does a great job absorbing oil and covering my psoriasis bumps.
For moisturizer, I swear by (and have for years) the Neutrogena Healthy Defense Sensitive Skin SPF 50. In the winter for extra moisture at night I layer on the Neutrogena Hydroboost gel-cream.
Anon
I’m pale pale pale leaning pink and I find the Dr. Jart premium B.B. in 01 light-medium pale enough. No breakouts and a nice physical only SPF 45. I apply with a brush.
EM84
I am super pale and only found a good match in MAC cosmetics range. I currently use Studio Fix foundation to help cover acne and because of its staying power.
Bee
I have been wearing Estee Lauder Double Wear for years, I wear 1C1 (pale with pink undertones) and they recently came out with an even lighter shade (too light for me). It has fantastic, all day coverage for breakouts and my sensitive skin has no issues. I don’t even need concealer but it looks very natural.
Law firm associate
What do people mean when they negotiate to stay on the firm’s website for extra time to find a job? I was given 3 months initially but still haven’t found anything great and only have about 1 month left. I’d like to ask for more time on the firm’s website. Does this mean not getting paid but having the website link and an office?
Anonymous
Yes- usually no pay, no office, but the firm will call you an employee. I’ve also seen people successfully explain their job search efforts, that offers are imminent, and request a little extra time. Also, frankly, you’re about to get fired and don’t have the luxury of looking for “great.”
Anonymous
“Also, frankly, you’re about to get fired and don’t have the luxury of looking for ‘great.'”
Unhelpful. Also untrue. The OP obviously didn’t want things to go this way. When you suffer a setback, leaping into a not-great situation is not the way to build a career with stability and growth opportunities. Being overly picky isn’t necessarily helpful but taking any job isn’t going to help over the long term. If I were her, I would be looking for a good opportunity where I think I will be able to stay for some time and learn skills, and yes, I would hold out for that, as long as I could.
Anonymous
How untrue? Personally, I need to be employed to pay my bills.
Anon
There’s a spectrum between “great” and “shooting yourself in the foot for your career.” She can find a good job. She can also assess whether or not she can realistically have the career she wants.
One shouldn’t strike out swinging for home.
Anonymous
I’m not the poster above, but I tend to agree. Some people need tough love (and a consistent paycheck). The point is that it is way harder to find a job when you don’t have a job. You can hold out for great, or just take any job that’s in law and in your city. I was in the same shoes but had only 6 weeks. I ended up taking an associate position at a mediocre firm and a paycut, which was not great, but then ended up lateraling to a position at a better firm later when the economy improved.
anon for this
My firm initially gave me no timeline and allowed me to look for “great,” but after about six months, they started wondering why I hadn’t found something else yet. At that stage, after I explained my job search efforts, they agreed not to impose a deadline on me, but I accepted the first offer that I received to avoid facing the ax again six months down the road. My current firm has turned out not to be a good fit, but I’m afraid the alternative had I not accepted the offer would have been prolonged unemployment.
Rainbow Hair
I’ve known at least one person who was initially given 3 months and negotiated it to six months at half pay. Ended up getting something (great, fwiw) at about 4 months so in a way saved the firm money.
Charity PSA
If you donate to charity, please request your tax receipts via email! I know lots of you like to comment on organizations having “too high” overhead and one huge expenses is postage, by requesting email instead you’re making sure more of your donation goes to the cause and you help the environment too.
Anonymous
Here’s an idea- how about they stop incessantly badgering me with mailings then?
Anonymous
+1 I would much rather get emails than all of the junk they mail to my house!!
Anonymous
Right!? I can sort of understand if it’s a charity that has nothing to do with the environment, but I’m blown away by the amount of stuff World Wildlife Fund mails me – doesn’t destroying forests harm the animals that live there??
Anonshmanon
The WWF is truly excessive. Every other charity I’ve donated to has only ever sent me a receipt and maybe some stuff via email.
Anonymous
I actually wrote WWF an email and said “PLEASE stop mailing me this stuff, it’s so terrible for the earth.” They stopped for a while but then I donated again and they started mailing me stuff again! I understand they want to publish a magazine with beautiful color photographs of the animals they want you to save, but digital magazines are totally a thing. I enjoy their magazine, but I would so much rather receive it via email.
Anonymous
You realize that any reputable charity, you can just contact them to ask them to remove you from their mailing list?
You only end up on a mailing list if you agreed to be on the mailing list of that charity or a similar one (many times there’s small print where you also consent to be on the mailing list of similar charities).
Anonymous
You realize that never works?
Anonymous
Have you ever tried?
Give it 6-8 weeks after you unregister but I’ve never had a problem with a major reputable charity like Red Cross, WWF or Docters without Borders.
HSAL
March of Dimes is my nemesis. It took several tries to get removed, and then a year later I started getting stuff again. A friend is thr exec director for a small local nonprofit and said that often after a year, they’ll reach out again even if you requested to stop receiving stuff. It’s so obnoxious.
Anon
Wounded Warrior is particularly terrible with mailings, and often include a real stamp with a paper clip “that’s a real stamp right there!” or a calendar or a plastic thing where you can’t easily just put the whole thing into the shredder.
Anonymous
Long time nonprofit professional here – the costs of direct mail are extremely, extremely low, AND it’s still a super-effective way to raise money. If you personally don’t like to get them (I don’t), request that they take you off the mailing list and/or put you on their online-only list. Harder for the national nonprofits that buy your name, but any place you regularly donate would be happy to take you off the list of their mailings.
It’s just a huge misconception that those mailings are the reason nonprofits have overheads, and one of my pet peeves. First class postage is indeed an expense, but they don’t have to actually send receipts for gifts under $250 I think (I have been out of the direct mail loop for a while) and if you make your gifts online, then you can get e receipts!
Anonymous
+1 – nonprofits send them because they still work – not as well as they used to, but the ROI still makes sense, especially for older donors. There’s a lot of market research behind major mailing campaigns.
Anon
Really random question: When you are sick with a cold – at what stage do you replace your toothbrush head? When you are all better? At the beginning of the cold?
Anonymous
Maybe ditch the old and use a dentist-issue freebie while sick and then use a new head once you are better?
Anonymous
Uhhh…never? I don’t worry about my own germs because normal healthy adults can’t reinfect themselves – you develop immunity to the specific cold/flu you had.
anon
True for colds. Not true for strep throat. If you ever have the misfortune of strep making its rounds, you’ll want to replace your toothbrush.
My oboe & bassoon playing friends shudder at the thought of strep, since it means replacing their fairly expensive reeds. There’s no way to effectively sanitize them.
COtoNY
The thought of someone having several “oboe and bassoon playing friends” is cracking me up this morning (although I totally see how it’s possible if you’re a musician yourself).
CountC
As a former oboe player, this delights me!
another anon
+1
Anonymous
Ha – I don’t. Once you’re done with the cold, you’re not going to reinfect yourself. But if it makes you feel better, do it when you’re all better, not at the beginning when you’re still swimming in the virus.
Anonymous
I have never done that. You generally get over a cold by developing antibodies in your blood that make you immune to that virus. The next cold you catch will be a slightly different, mutated, virus, not the one that you had.
Anonymous
It would never occur to me to do this.
Anonymous
I do it because you are supposed to swap your toothbrush regularly and I don’t have a great system in place to remind me to do that.
Anonymous
Your twice-yearly cleanings?
Anonymous
If it’s a normal cold I don’t replace the toothbrush unless it’s pretty close to the end of its life anyway. If it’s an infection of any kind, I get a big pack of cheap toothbrushes and replace daily until I’m all better/finished my antibiotics.
Anonymous
For a bacterial infection, my doctor tells me to replace the toothbrush twice: once after 24 hours on antibiotics and again at the end of the course of antibiotics. She has never told me to replace my toothbrush for a cold or other viral infection.
And Peggy
It never occurred to me that I should change my toothbrush after recovering from an illness, but going off these comments, I absolutely will next time I get over a bacterial infection! And I probably need to change my toothbrush anyway, it’s been a while, so thanks for the reminder!
alternative
Would it be sufficient to pour Listerine or rubbing alcohol over it?
Anon
Germs cannot survive on hard surfaces for longer than three days. So if you mean, “temporarily switch toothbrushes” sure. But throw in the trash–no way. Toothbrushes are expensive! I also switch out my normal tea mug at work if I am sick and wash everything else more frequently, esp. hands.
EM84
Working in a pharma company which also produces toothbrushes, I replace them more often than average person, but I do not replace it when I have common cold. To keep peace of mind, you can run the toothbrush under hot water or spay a little desinfectant of the brush head. I replace religiously after flu and bacterial diseases.
Anon
I’m spending the weekend in San Diego — so excited! Any recommendations for restaurants, beaches, anything else would be much appreciated. Number one on my list is to visit the sunbathing seals at La Jolla. What else should I do? TIA!
Anonymous
Extraordinary Desserts
Candidate
I did not find their desserts to be extraordinary, just large.
I recommend the USS Midway Museum, and the San Diego Zoo.
Anonymous
+1 on San Diego Zoo, and also the Wild Animal Park.
Anonymous
I spent just a few days out there last fall, so my experience is limited. But the absolute best thing was Torrey Pines. It’s north of the seal beach in La Jolla, and I combined those two activities in a single day. My tip for Torrey Pines is to walk down the beach to start and end your hike.
Also that day, we did the Cave Store thing (you pay $5 to enter what looks and feels like a mine shaft to get down to a sea cave.) I didn’t think it was worth it, but it is right by the seals.
Finding the suspension bridge in the middle of the city was also memorable and fun. The murals in Barrio Logan were also very worthwhile.
Anonymous
I like Pacific Beach. It has a long boardwalk and you can rent a bike and bike along it. There are restaurants and snack places along the boardwalk. I also like going out on the pier and just watching the ocean. There is a good breakfast place across from the pier called Konos. The line is often long, but moves pretty quickly and food comes out quick once you order. I also like the tacos and milkshakes at Salud in Barrio Logan. Balboa Park is also neat and you can pick a museum or two to visit. We also liked the trolley ride around the city to get a good overview and it goes out to Coronado Island. You can get on and off throughout the day so you can check out different places. I also love the zoo and if you get there early go straight to the pandas before the crowd forms.
Delta Dawn
What a fun weekend! Brockton Villa is a restaurant (formerly one of the original beach cottages in La Jolla) that overlooks the sunbathing seals– try to get a table outside if you go. Also highly recommend Torrey Pines! The Hotel del Coronado is really cool to visit (no need to stay there). They have a lovely brunch (maybe just on Sundays?) where you can sit outside looking out on the beach and the ocean. The Hotel del is also where Marilyn Monroe filmed Some Like It Hot. Point Loma is cool spot; there’s a lighthouse and you can look back on the city. I also really loved a restaurant called Fillipi’s in Little Italy. Have a great trip!
Anonymous
Maritime Museum! I spent hours wandering around on the ships.
Senior Attorney
Go see a play at the Old Globe Theatre. Currently they’ve got Much Ado About Nothing and Barefoot in the Park, which is a fun old-timey romantic comedy.
nylon girl
Born and Raised restaurant. Super yum.
Horse Crazy
I had an incredible brunch at Cafe 21 in the Gaslamp a few months ago.
SMC-SD
Assuming you mean this weekend (and just the weekend), so much will depend on where you are staying and whether you have a car. You are getting good suggestions, but I would not recommend driving half-way across the city to eat dinner.
The San Diego Zoo is famous for a reason! It is also in Balboa Park, which is a nice place to wander around even if you just walk through Spanish Village, past the Natural History Museum (the one with the fountain out front, and down the main walkway, past the Old Globe Theater and to Cabrillo Bridge). I would honestly not attempt the Safari Park right now. It will be quite hot this weekend (and it is a long drive if you are only here for the weekend). If you want to have lunch at the Park, The Prado has decent food and a fantastic patio. If you want to eat at the Zoo, try to get in at Albert’s. You can also walk across the bridge to Cucina Urbana on 5th. Also (this may be really obvious) the earlier you get to the Zoo the better. The animals are MUCH more active in the morning.
Depending on how much time you spend at the Zoo (it can be an all day event) that puts you close to downtown, which is where the Maritime Museum and the USS Midway are. You can also take the ferry over to Coronado or do one of the harbor tours. The Hotel del Coronado is beautiful and their beach is one of the best in the country – just be aware that it will be crowded this time of year. They only offer their (very good, very expensive) brunch on Sundays, but just sitting on their deck and ordering drinks/chips can be a fun experience). Leroys in Coronado has better food than the Hotel.
For the seals, be aware that pupping season is over. They will be there – but the barriers are down and there will not be as many (and there will be idiots getting way too close). That puts you in La Jolla. You can go to La Jolla Shores (beautiful beach), eat at Piatti or hang out in the Village and go to any of the fantastic, mostly expensive restaurants there. (My favorite is George’s.)
If you let us know (1) where you are staying and (2) whether you have a car, I might have more suggestions.
Ms B
Donut Bar. The Boston creme, if they have it, is extraordinary.
Anonymous
My admin recently left for another position within our organization, so I was reassigned to a new admin. Per standard procedure, I had very little input into the decision. The new admin is driving me nuts. He is an older man who previously owned a small business, and does not seem to have experience working as an admin or working for anyone but himself. He supports several members of the professional staff. He seems to believe that the way he first learned to do things for one particular staff member is the “right” way to do things, and refuses to do anything the way I ask him to do it. For example, he set up clones of the other person’s budget spreadsheets for all of my projects without even telling me. When I asked him to update my existing budget spreadsheets, he informed me that I was using the “wrong” format (there is no required format; these are purely for my own information) and refused to do what I had asked. He finally did what I needed done after repeated requests, but continues to maintain the “correct” spreadsheets even though I have told him not to. He also seems to think that he is my boss and is constantly “reminding” me to do low-priority or entirely unnecessary tasks. On the other hand, there is substantive work that I need to delegate to him, but he either ignores it or does it all wrong, so I have taken to doing it myself or delegating to junior professional staff members who have better things to do. How can I assert my authority and get this guy to do his job the way it needs to be done, and stop trying to tell me how to do mine?
Anonymous
Ask him into your office. “Hey Bob, I’ve enjoyed getting to know you for the last six weeks, and I thought we should touch base now that we’ve had a chance to feel each other out. I like the way you do X and Y – super helpful, please keep that up. Could you also do Z and A for me? I’d be a big load off my plate. I appreciate your great memory – could you help me stay on top of B and C?”
Praise what he does well and redirect the things he does not.
Anon
I don’t think this tone is right at all. OP does not need to ask Bob to do anything, she needs to tell him.
Blueberries
I agree with setting up a meeting and commenting on what he’s doing well, but given how he doesn’t seem to understand his role, I wouldn’t ask him to do tasks that are his job or tell him that it’d be a big help if he just did his job.
He’s not doing his job, is being insubordinate, and it’s causing problems. You need to loop in his manager and document the performance issues. If the organizational structure made it easy, I’d probably just ask for a more experienced assistant. If you’re stuck with him, you’re far better off if he is told now that his job involves doing X, Y, and Z in a way that meets the organization needs, which are decided by you.
Anonymous
Anon at 10:11 here.
Bob is a grown man who used to own his own business, and like it or not, there’s an ego at play. While he may be in “just an assistant role,” HE doesn’t think of himself as just an assistant. I’ve been a manager for years, and you can talk AT someone or you can talk WITH them. When working with a grown adult, esp one who has years of work experience, give them a certain amount of respect – ask for their input, even if you don’t need it; praise what you can; make sandwich criticisms (between two pieces of praise) – you’ll build respect, trust, and loyalty in subordinates.
If that doesn’t work, then yes, go through official channels and all that to document issues. But don’t start out on that foot.
NYNY
Also, set up a regular 1:1 with him on whatever schedule makes sense, likely weekly or biweekly, to go over your calendar (if he manages that) and any tasks he’s assigned. Regular contact should help normalize what you require from him.
Nesprin
Simply put, Bob is a bad admin for you- insubordinate, unhelpful and patronizing. I would start documenting every issue you have with him with the end goal of a performance improvement plan or termination.
Anonymous
Just a silly vent. I’m 6 months pregnant and am just SO OVER WORK. But in order to hit my billable requirement for the year, I need to crush it for the next 6 weeks. Really wishing I’d worked harder earlier in the year…
Anonymous
Same, girl! Come on bonus. It’s just too much money to not go for it.
Anonymous
Your baby needs a mom who is getting rest. Don’t stress yourself out in the last trimester!
Anon
Oh Jesus. Stop the guilting! She’s got enough stress as is.
Dress for the job you want
Apparently I want Edina Monsoon’s pr job. I’m not there yet, but today’s outfit was close.
Anon
La Cwahh, darling. It’s La Cwahh
DC
I need some guidance on moving out of my apartment. I’m in a big building and am not renewing my lease, mostly because management has been a disaster as it relates to communication. We had four months of major construction on the direct opposite side of my bedroom wall with nary a heads-up, plus constant “whoops, forgot to mention, the water will be off today” kind of things. I emailed management a few weeks ago to give timely (sixty-day) notice that we won’t be renewing upon the expiration of our lease. The manager is now insisting that we give “official notice” by signing a form that’s titled “Notice if Intent to Vacate with Early Lease Termination Settlement Offer.” I’m not inclined to sign I, given that it was obviously designed for exactly that: early termination, which doesn apply to me. The manager says this form is required for them and that I should disregard the inapplicable sections. The only information I’d be conveying is my forwarding address, plus a signature. When I expressed my concerns, management responded that the terms in this form simply restate those in the lease… but why would this be necessary given that the lease is still in effect?
Am I being unnecessarily difficult if I say nope, not going to sign any additional legal documents, I’ve provided my written notice and you’ve acknowledged it, and I’ll do the same with my forwarding address? I’m not trying to just be obstructionist for the sake of being obstructionist, and I recognize that some of my skepticism is based on my super frustrating experiences with these folks in the past. I’m in DC, FWIW.
Thanks in advance for any words of wisdom.
Anonymous
I wouldn’t sign it either, assuming that all your lease requires you to do is provide written notice of non-renewal.
Anonymous
Does this form obligate you to anything? It sounds to me like you’re angry at them and don’t want them telling you what to do. I get it. I’d feel the same way, and I’d be refusing on passive-aggressive grounds. But…that’s not my better self, and you may be buying yourself a hassle that’s not worth it.
on the other hand, if the form has requirements in it that don’t apply to you, I’d ask them to cross out and initial all of those, so that you’re left with merely the parts that do.
Equestrian Attorney
Yeah it’s hard to say – does the form set out any kind of penalty for early termination or similar that would not apply to you? If you do sign, I would cross out anything that does not apply and initial each change.
People who say “oh sign this contract and just ignore the stuff you don’t like” are people who do not understand how contracts work. My landlord tried to pull the “oh yeah this clause is in there, but of course I will never apply it!” and I was like – try again, buddy, I draft contracts for a living.
Anon
+1 to all this (also draft contract for a living)
CountC
+2 (also draft contracts for a living)
Anonymous
+3
I cross stuff out all the time and red-pencil forms that are just drafted so poorly that they need it. I even did it in labor to some hospital form.
Anonymous
+4 I red-penned our wedding photographer agreement because i did not want our photos used in advertising (criminal lawyer)
Torin
+1 cross out everything that doesn’t apply.
I find that with apartment complexes, when they say “required” they mean it’s required by their own internal record-keeping procedures or rules or similar. It’s not required by law or by the terms of your lease. But arguing with them about what is and is not required is like yelling at a brick wall. Easier to just sign a version that only contains what you’re comfortable with.
Anonymous
I would absolutely not sign this, and if they keep insisting I’d ask for the contact for their corporate/regional management to escalate. This is going to be their justification for keeping your deposit and claiming you didn’t give proper non-renewal on the lease. Document everything in writing, including a clear statement that you are not terminating early and therefore cannot sign the form.
Anonymous
We had something similar — we reiterated the agreement in email and my roommate, an attorney, printed out a copy and made adjustments by hand so it reflected our actual agreement.
The experience was awful – new building being built in the complex right outside the window, nasty construction workers, all of it, and we just wanted it to be over so we were more flexible than we otherwise would have been. We did eventually get out deposit back and they didn’t try to ding us on early termination (there were other incompetency errors) — so we commiserate!
anonymous
Also in DC and also a renter – which building was this?!
Interview Candidate
I am a third-year associate in a satellite office of a firm with around 30 attorneys. Being a smaller regional firm, my firm is big on attorneys who have ties to the community.I grew up in the region my office services. Next month, a shareholder, a senior associate, and I are meeting with a potential candidate to fill a civil transactional attorney position in my office. The candidate interviewed previously for a litigation position in my firm’s main office, but some of the shareholders thought he would be a better fit on the transactional side.
The candidate went to my high school and graduated only a couple of years behind me. The candidate comes from a semi-prominent family in the local community. In high school, the candidate had a less than stellar reputation. He was known as being an arrogant/entitled goof off who did not take school seriously and was rather unmotivated overall. More importantly, he had a reputation among the teachers, administration, students, and parents for being disrespectful of other students and teachers. I know people change/mature, and I’m trying to go into this with an open mind. However, the way this student previously acted is not only someone who I don’t want to work with on a daily basis, but someone who does not portray the attitude and respect that the attorneys at my firm are known for.
Even though I am relatively junior, the shareholder (who is also the managing shareholder of our firm) wants me to take part in the interview process – an interview followed by a lunch. When the shareholder asked me about the candidate (because of the same home town), I voiced what I knew about him to the shareholder but in a diplomatic way that recognizes people mature, and the shareholder appreciated this feedback.
I wanted to see if anyone here has any advice for any types of questions that I can ask the candidate to help determine his attitude and working-relationships currently – I was thinking about some questions along the line of collaboration on projects/working with other attorneys to see how he handles taking credit for collaborative projects. Or, am I just relying too much on the candidate’s past reputation?
Anonymous
I’d get over it. So he was a brat at 18, you’re really going to hold it against him when he’s like 28 now? You don’t think he could entirely be a different person in those 19 years? Seems to me you’re clinging too hard to all the high school glory days stuff.
HTX
OP, I think you’ve gotten the picture–don’t hold his past reputation against him unless he did something unforgivable. If you want to determine whether he’s STILL arrogant and lazy, you could ask questions like “how do you go out of your way to be a team player”, “how do you keep yourself organized to meet short and changing deadlines”, “how do you handle conflict with your superiors and inferiors in the workplace”, etc.
The real story here is how Anonymous came up with her numbers. A third-year associate is a couple years older than a 28-year-old (maybe) who took 19 years to age from 18 to 28 (no)?
Anonymous
I think it may be a typo between 9 and 19…
Anonymous
Someone pinched my rear end when I was shopping with my Mom at a mall, right after high school graduation. He was in my high school graduation class and is now very prominent. Although it is decades before #MeToo, no, I will never forget. I will never work with this person. I will never recommend this person to anyone. Be careful! People can mask who they are when they ‘grow up’. It is my somewhat cynical view that people act they way they really are when they think it doesn’t matter…..
Anonymous
This is why I hate small towns. Look, you don’t sink someone’s job application because they were a run of the mill jerk in high school. My opinion would be different if he did something personally to you/someone close to you, or if the behavior was truly unforgivable (like r*pe), or if you had more recent examples of his bad behavior. But he was a disrespectful slacker? All teenagers are disrespectful. And most people don’t take hs seriously. I sincerely hope that you didn’t tell the partners much of this because you come off as petty to hold a grudge against someone for just being a teenager.
Interview Candidate
Not quite the example you gave, but some of his disrespect did include harassment of other students.
Anonymous
Then don’t label the behavior. Just describe it:
John yelled at Tim every day at the beginning of class.
John kept calling Sue “Fat Sue” over the PA system.
If you can catalog a lot of stuff and it’s not Really Bad, it could make you look like a petty person.
Have you talked to this person at all in 10 years? Or even heard any new info on him?
Oh so anon
+1,0000
I was a real twit in high school. I hope no one is holding that against me 15 years later.
mascot
I think you are relying too much on past reputation. He must have found some motivation if he got through undergrad and law school. I give him the benefit of the doubt that people can change a lot between 16 and 26 or however old he is.
Anonymous
Agree with this.
anonymous
I’d also suggest growing up. You’re a third year associate – it’s not 100% clear why your opinion would be that instructive considering you probably wouldn’t be working with him directly, but I also think that you’ve probably already come across as petty based on what you’ve already said to the shareholder, no matter how “diplomatic” you think you were in describing him.
Anonymous
+1, especially if you haven’t had any contact with him since
Unless there is a body buried somewhere (in that case, definitely share), a negative comment may reflect more poorly on you than him by making you look like a person who carries a little grudge/judgment/etc. a very long way.
He’s not your BFF and you really haven’t kept in touch; you can just leave it at that.
Anon
My, we are all being harsh on the OP.
There are some people I knew in high school who were immature and jerks; I would be willing to believe that they could grow up to be functional, kind, respectful adults. There are some others that I think would be a bad fit in any type of professional environment, because they were bullies and enjoyed humiliating other people.
People grow up but they don’t often change. I get the feeling that the OP’s firm is one known for having attorneys who are also decent human beings, which is why this is an issue that her SH takes seriously and why he bothered asking her.
Anonymous
Honestly, no.
She has no new info on him. She hasn’t kept up with him. Why should an opinion that is perhaps a decade stale even matter?
If he were her parents’ neighbor who kept letting his dog go on their lawn and drove into their house when drunk last year (or similar), that would be different.
Anonymous
This. So surprised at the responses. I know a few people in high school that were jerks who I would gladly give the benefit of the doubt and others who likely only didn’t get charged with stuff because they were from prominent families. The later group I would have a lot of concerns about their sense of entitlement in the workplace.
OP – Try asking them about facing a situation where someone acted unprofessionally or disrespectfully towards them in a workplace. Ask them to describe what was unprofessional/disrespectful and how they addressed it.
Anon
Exactly. When she says that his bad reputation was among students, teachers, administration, and parents, but he came from a prominent family, you’re usually talking about someone who is just a bad human being.
My suggestion is to ask for references and be very thorough in discussing his workplace attitude with those references. Perhaps ask for peer references as well as supervisors; there are a lot of people who “kiss up and kick down.”
Pen and Pencil
I agree with this. I think that there is 100% a way to voice that he was not known for being a super great guy in his teens in a respectful and non-petty way. People grow, but it is both really hard to change who you are as a person and how your reputation proceeds you in a small town. If he had this reputation as a teenager, then likely there are many people in the town who remember that person. Even if he had a 100% turn around (unlikely) there is still a past he has to deal with. This way the partner knows what to look for in the interview and has a more educated viewpoint. If he comes across as kind, intelligent, hard-working, and genuine then that partner can easily assume he changed. If there is a small whiff of him being his former self, something he might normally brush off as interview nerves, then now he knows that there is a history of that behavior. The partner asked for a reason, it’s not as if she volunteered this information out of the blue.
I would pay special attention to what his resume looks like. Does it look like he slacked off and coasted through law school? Has he been at the top of his class in college or law school? What extra curriculars did he do? These things would all point to whether or not he changed.
Anonymous
Remember, you can put yourself on the hook for slander, and I’d be very wary of saying negative. Let the grownups make their own call here. At most, he wasn’t in your grade and you didn’t keep up. In a small town, do you really want to be known as the (likely) person badmouthing a fellow townie?
Anonymous
I understand where you are coming from and I agree that this is a concern – it’s sort of the same thing I look for in law firm interviews: I am going to spend too much time with you for you to be a jerk.
However, I don’t know of any specific questions you can ask that are going to provide a completely truthful and comprehensive view of his personality at the moment/how much has he changed (except for something like “are you still a jerk?” which I don’t think you want to ask) in an interview. If he’s remotely self aware, he’s going to try to come across as his best self in the interview and not be like “By the way, people say the do *not* enjoy working with me.”
Your best bet is a mutual contact. Does he currently work somewhere else (and this is a lateral position that you’re interviewing him for) so that you could reach out to someone who knows his professional reputation and put out feelers that way? It doesn’t have to be someone that he works with now, but maybe you have a mutual friend/acquaintance from high school or someone else.
You’ve said your piece to the managing shareholder, and you’re still allowed, if you interview him and he comes across as a jerk in the interview, to say that you don’t think it would be a good fit. I don’t think that rises to the level of slander, but I’m not an expert.
Anonymous
In all honesty–I would not hire 16-18 year old me. But 40 year old me–totally different story. 4 years in the Army, 6 years of college/ law school–a lot of life experiences–some harsh some fantastic. People are not frozen in time. Give people a chance to grow and extend them the benefit of the doubt. If you are being honest with yourself–you most likely would not want folks evaluating you on your 16-18 year old self either. People grow–be a person that lets people grow.
Xarcady
I don’t have any suggestions for questions you can ask. But if I were interested in hiring this person, but had some evidence that he might not be so great to work with, I’d be questioning his references. And also trying to get references that aren’t a manager, but a peer. Because many people will behave nicely to a superior, but be less than charming to a peer or subordinate.
Kale
I just discovered jogger pants (I know, I finally caught up to like 2014). Anyway, I love them for lounging and sleeping and exercising. Do you ever wear them for work or other things? If so, what do you wear on top? Unlike leggings, they don’t hug my bottom so I feel like I don’t need to wear a long shirt that covers my bum.
Echo
Work, never. In my opinion, they’re only for lounging/exercising/quick errands at the most. But I like them with more fitted tops or off-the-shoulder tees.
new to joggers too
I just discovered joggers too! I got some at Athleta recently. My fav are the Mod Trekkie Crop and the grey is lovely and on sale right now. I definitely think I will be able to wear them to work with a nice black top. So versatile and comfortable. would love to add more to my collection so hope ladies will comment on their fav kind that can be worn for work and play!
renting prob
A friend has lived in a building for a few years and is moving out. The landlord asked for a W-9 after she gave notice. A few complications are 1. She was not informed that she’d have to fill one out. It wasn’t mentioned in the leasing agreement. 2. The landlord wants it sent over email to an employee. She feels like this is an unsafe process. They won’t offer a more secure method.
She’s happy to pay taxes on interest, if applicable. That’s not an issue. She’s concerned about 2 and is trying to determine what her options are. Is this somethings she should talk to a lawyer about? She’s open to leaving the deposit and interest. She’s just not sure if she has a right to do this, etc.
another anon
I presume this is in NY? And the building has more than six units? If so, the landlord needs the W-9 to pay out the accumulated interest on the security deposit, which they are required to report to the IRS. The landlord needs the W-9 to complete their 1099.
She can send it overnight, signature required if she thinks that’s more secure.
Anonymous
Also, if she has Gmail, she can send it encrypted. Same on Outlook if she uses that at work. It’s not perfect, sure, but better than reg.
Anonymous
Although once a piece of paper gets left on a desk, all bets are off re security.
another anon
True! There isn’t really any way to prevent people from being careless with your information when you hand it over. Such is life.
Anonymous
I don’t recall ever doing this, but apparently its a thing (depends on state) if the state requires the LL to report the payout of security deposit and interest. It’s not about her paying the taxes, it’s about holding LLs accountable for paying out the security deposit. She should check her state law regarding the practice.
If she doesn’t want to email it, get a mailing address and send it that way. Don’t try to get the LL agreement – just say “Ok, i’ll put it in the mail, since I don’t like sending my SS number via email”
Anonymous
She needs to just send the W-9 in. This is a completely normal requirement.
Anonymous
She’s open to just not getting her deposit back? Is she an undocumented immigrant? In hiding? That’s incredibly strange. She doesn’t need a lawyer she needs to fill out the form.
renting prob
She’s not undocumented and is happy to pay taxes. She doesn’t want this information being sent to an employee’s email account, who may or may not choose to reference it inappropriately. This is not strange.
Anonymous
Yes, it is. It’s extremely strange. Who does she think is going to process this mandatory form if not an employee of the landlord? Mail it if she wants but it makes no difference. She’s talking about walking away from significant money because of anxiety? She can’t pay the taxes without completing the form.
Anonymous
If you’ve seen how cavalier many landlords are about their tenants’ personal information, you wouldn’t find this strange at all. I’ve been renting in NYC for years and very grateful to finally be at income level where I can afford to rent from landlords that take this stuff more seriously (usually landlords whose properties are more expensive). When I first moved here and was looking for an apartment, I felt like it was only a matter of time until I found out someone who shouldn’t have had gained access to my SSN.
renting prob
Thanks for the responses. It seems like the landlord is reasonable to want the form. Can she demand a more secure method for sending it in? She doesn’t want to use email, and they’re refusing to accept the form any other way.
AIMS
I don’t think this is a big deal but I’ve never done this in NY, I’ve just had the LL mail me a statement.
renting prob
meant to mention she’s in dc, not ny
Anonymous
I am pretty sure the landlord requirement to earn interest on a sec deposit applies in DC as well, assuming the lease was for 12 months or more.
Anonymous
Earn interest, sure. That’s pretty much everywhere. But the W-9 thing sounds like it might be NY-specific, since most people aren’t earning enough interest to otherwise need a W-9 (it’s like a $600 minimum, right?)
LawyrChk
I’ve never heard of this practice, and I live in a fairly large city and have been corporate-run apartments for years. Businesses are only required to issue a 1099 for amounts paid over $599, so it seems really odd that they’d need a W-9 from my perspective. The refund of the deposit isn’t taxable income – just the interest is – so I’d want to be doubly sure they don’t include the security deposit on the 1099 and accidentally set me up for an audit when I don’t report it on my taxes.
Quick outfit help
Ok, so I’m home on maternity leave and had my dates mixed up and turns out my husband’s Company picnic where I added to bring all 3 kiddos is today and not next week.
I’m 2 month’s post partum, so none of my regular clothes fit. What do I wear? It’s a casual picnic type thing. I’d normally wear something like a dressy top and shorts but my shorts don’t fit right.
I have access to all the typical stores and the morning to pick something up. Ideas? Shoe options are silver jack Rodgers, brown Birkenstock gizehs (ugh), misc flats, red supergas, and running shoes. Can’t decide on a maxi dress (hides most of the post partum stuff), shorts (my hips don’t want to try those one), or something else. I’m probably a size 12-14 right now.
Anonymous
I would go with maxi dress + Jack Rogers or Birks (why ugh?), or go out and get some flowy linen pants or linen joggers with a drawstring waist and wear with simple top + Jack Rogers, Birks, or Supergas.
Anonymous
Or go to Old Navy and grab a swing dress.
Anonymous
Cause I think they’re pretty ugly. But comfy as all get out.
Anonymous
Maxi dress for sure. Also handy with little kids when they all want to hold your hand and you need a free hand, I get them to hold my skirt.
Also matches better with your cape – three kids including a newborn at a picnic on short notice? You’re a superhero. I’d be telling DH that he’s welcome to take the two oldest himself but I’m napping with the baby.
Anonymous
+1
Anonymous
If there’s any chance you will need to BF, don’t wear the maxi dress unless it has easy-access top. I got stuck out with baby in one and realized too late it was impossible to feed baby in.
Anonymous
Ha, spot on advice. I grabbed a cute maxi dress from TJMaxx and it’s tricky to BF in. Luckily this thing is in a big old castle thing and there are little rooms all Over. I’ve claimed one and am feeding topless.
Btw I need the new outfit bc nothing fits. I’d planned to shop this weekend. And husband works in an industry adjacent to mine, so it matters to me a little how I look.
Anonymous
What would you have worn if this were actually next week? I don’t understand why you have to go out and by an entire new outfit just for one unimportant event where nobody is going to care what you’re wearing anyway.
Hollis
I found a pair of black pants for work that are comfortable, look good, have pockets and have the right amount of stretch, so I thought I’d share them with the hive since I never would have bought pants from under armour for work. The under armour links pants in the full length are perfect, but only if you are about 5’7″ or shorter. I bought them for golf but they can be worn for work as the logo is black.
Clueless first year
As a junior associate/employee, should I respond to “good job” emails? I received two emails last night that said that they were happy with my work for a small project. Do I thank them for thanking me? That seems unnecessary, but not responding seems like it could be unintentionally interpreted as cold.
Anonymous
Thanks.
Anonymous
I always struggled with this. If it was something like “Nice job!” from a senior associate or partner you regularly work with, I probably wouldn’t respond. If they took the time to say “Dear Jane, Thanks so much for your work on this project. The client was thrilled with your work product and I’m impressed as well,” or something like that, then maybe a “Thanks, I really enjoyed this project” or something. If it comes from a higher up that you don’t interact with regularly then I would also say thanks.
Marshmallow
This. To the second type of email, I respond with something simple like, “Thanks– I enjoyed working on the project.” or “That’s really great to hear, thank you!”
(Former) Clueless Summer
+1 to your other responses. If just a “Nice job!” or a “Thanks – you’re a lifesaver” from someone you work with frequently or another associate, you leave it. If it’s from someone you’re working with for the first time or someone very important or it’s a long-drawn out, “Wow, I appreciate you so much and the client loves you too” type email, you respond with “Thanks, really enjoyed working with you and client as well.” or “Thanks, let me know how I can help in the future.”
Rainbow Hair
Fighting Imposter Syndrome Tip! Print them out and put them in a file folder to remind yourself when you feel down that hey, actually you do good work! [I call it — in my head — my RainbowDoesn’tSuck folder]
AnonInfinity
Yes! I have an email folder that I call my “smiley folder.” The partner I work with actually knows about it and gets a kick out of sometimes forwarding me praise I wasn’t copied on “for your smiley folder.” I review these emails with somewhat alarming frequency.
+1
We call it the “hold” folder. And it’s THE best.
I like this
:)
Anonymous
I always write back and say thank you!
Anon
Does anyone wear extensions for thickness and fullness, not length? My hair is thinning and looks terrible. How much were they? how is the maintenance? Worth it?
Anonymous
If your hair is thinning then clip in extensions could really harm what hair you have left. You need to go to a hair loss specialist to see what good options you have. I had a friend start losing her hair due to illness and they were able to tell us which options were good and which options should be off the table. The consultation was free, and the woman who worked with us was super nice and told us where to find the product she was recommending for cheaper! If you happen to be in Houston, let me know and I can give you the name!
Anon
Search “The Pink Lou Lou Hair Extension 101.” She uses extensions for this purpose and did a breakdown of all the options based on quality, maintenance, and price.
what to wear for a film festival?
I’m going to a film festival this weekend and am at a bit of a loss as to what to wear. I tend to freeze my ass off in most air conditioned buildings but, when not actively watching movies, I’ll be outside in extreme heat. Ideas for something casual, fashionable, and adaptable?
Anon
Bring a bag that you can shove a pashmina in for the movie theater to cover your lap, a cardigan and a pair of cozy socks.
Outside wear exactly what you want to stay cool enough and once inside layer up!
Anonymous
A dress and a cardigan in your purse.
Anon
That wouldn’t keep me warm enough. I’d do jeans with some kind of sweater or extra layer on top.
Feet
Is it a normal thing that my feet are swelling up this summer, especially during the hottest days? It’s never happened before, even when I was working retail. But I’m older then ever (obviously ;), early 30s fwiw), live in a much hotter drier climate, and don’t wear cushy sneakers to work anymore.
Can I fix this? Should I just wait it out? Am I in for this every summer, now?
Anonymous
Drink more water.
Anonymous
Water plus some light compression hose–either knee highs or full length.
Anonymous
Sometimes my feet swell when the shoes are just slightly too tight.
Food!
What’s your favorite go-to hole in the wall restaurant in your town? The more off the beaten path the better.
Anonymous
Mine is a little Thai place in what looks like an abandoned shack next to a field full of old shipping containers. There is a BB hole in the front window that no one has ever bothered to fix. They grow their own peppers and herbs out front and make the best panang curry I’ve ever had.
Anonymous
Maryland (and maybe other places, I’m not from here and I’m not super familiar with the mid-Atlantic coast) has these super quaint “carry-out” places. They’re mom and pop roadside stands with picnic tables where you can order BLTs, burgers, hot dogs, ice cream, etc. We go to the one near our house every weekend. I get a BLT and an Oreo malt shake every time :)
Anonymous
Where in MD? I’m in MD and haven’t seen these, except for Jimmie Cone which has the absolute best ice cream in existence.
Anonymous
Waldorf area. The one I’m thinking of is B&J Carry-Out.
Anon
Bay Area: Back a yard – Menlo Park Willow Road One – order some jerk Chicken and get a Corn Festival!
Anonymous
Back A Yard is pretty much the opposite of a hole in the wall….it has almost 2000 Yelp reviews and is on so many “best of the Bay Area” lists.
Anon
I mean I know people about it and I know they know its good! I guess I thought because it was in a strip mall with next to a laundromat and had plastic patio chairs as its chairs it counted! Sorry!
Scarlett
FWIW, I’ve lived in the Bay Area my whole life (SF though for 15+ years) & I’ve never heard of this place. Will put it on my list to try when I’m down the Peninsula.
Anon
YAY enjoy it! Jerk sauce with anything, plantains and corn festival! Don’t go to the one in Palo Alto. Over priced and not as good.
lsw
Ours is an amazing south Indian place with dosas to die for. It’s just outside the city and close to the areas biggest Hindu temple. It’s small, has zero frills (it looks sort of like a 1980s McDonald’s crossed with a divey diner) but has the best dosas I’ve had in this country. LOVE it.
Anonymous
That sounds so good. I love dosas. They were one of the only foods I wanted and could keep down during a rough pregnancy :)
Alanna of Trebond
Pittsburgh?
tippins
My daughter went to college in Starkville, MS. Every time I visited we would go to a nearby gas station(!) to get fresh steamed shrimp they brought up from the gulf daily. Shrimp + potatoes + corn + old bay seasoning spread out on a paper bag with a cold beer = heaven!
Cookbooks
There’s a tiny Italian place at the quiet end of an otherwise busy street. They make their own pastas that are amazing. It’s only open during the day on the weekdays, but it’s worth the walk for a good lunch at work.
Anon
Best Mexican food ever in a gas station in a tiny town on the California coast where I grew up.
Amy H.
Ooh, where? Please share!
Anon
There’s an ice cream shack in the small town (I mean super small town in the middle of farm country) near our lake house that has soft serve ice cream and the best French fries I’ve ever eaten.
pugsnbourbon
Oh man. There’s nothing better than a roadside soft-serve cone coated in rainbow sprinkles.
I live in a large Midwestern city and there’s a place that does all-you-can-eat sushi. It sounds like a cliche, right? It looks like you could get food poisoning just walking in, but everything is fresh, the menu’s pretty diverse, and the service is good.
Anonymous
You’re in Indy, right? What is this amazing AYCE sushi place?
lemon
Sushi Club, right? Indy here, too – been wanting to try this place for years but figured all you can eat sushi in the midwest was a recipe for disaster. Glad to know it’s legit!!
Anon
Oh if you’re looking for hole in the wall in Indy, I’m obsessed with Major. In a tucked-away strip mall on the west side of the city, it’s better than most of the Ethiopian I’ve had in the US. So delicious!
pugsnbourbon
100% outing myself but it’s Kasai Sushi on the east side.
Anon
There’s a place near my parents with the BEST hot roast beef sandwiches. I literally dream about them. My dad has made it a tradition that whenever I come visit, that’s our first stop (even though I usually take a bus that gets me in close to midnight). Great food and it’s become sentimental.
Nashville
Anything on Nolensville road. Where the real ethnic food lives.
Jane
Can you recommend any restaurants in particular? I’m going to Nashville next month with a crew that loves more adventuresome food.
Anonymous
+1000. Korean, Indian, Thai, Mexican, and Kurdish. SO much yum.
Miss
There’s a tiny restaurant in an area that has tons of businesses with essentially no storefronts. It has the best breakfast in town. There’s a sign in front that says “Congratulations you found us!” The front of the restaurant doesn’t face the street and is mixed in with all these businesses that no one visits. I meet my dad there almost every Saturday morning.
ohc
There’s an AMAZING tiny Turkish restaurant built into the back of a gas station near where I grew up in Connecticut. I live in a phenomenal food city now, but I always try to visit when I’m back in town.
Anonymous
A takeout place in a local strip mall that has superb Indian and Nepali food and mediocre American takeout (subs, pizza, etc). From the outside, and if you only just looked at the menu, you would have no idea that they sell amazing Indian and Nepali food for takeout.
Or the taco place that used to be located inside the gas station convenience store, but has since moved to a larger space…
Nesprin
VGs donuts in north san diego. they’ve been in business for over 30 years for a reason.
Meniere's
Anyone have any experience with Meniere’s disease? Looking for any solutions for the vertigo attacks that are coming on everyday lately, usually last for an hour.
Anonymous
Not sure if you’re still reading, but my mum has this and swears by a really really low sodium diet.
concealer newbie
New to concealer — need it for dark circles. All I wear on a typical day is mascara and brow powder (and an SPF moisturizer — not tinted). If I start using concealer, do I have to wear foundation or something else all over my face, or will it look OK to just have concealer under my eyes (as long as it doesn’t crease or otherwise make it really obvious that I’m wearing concealer)? I don’t want my face to be like, “LOOK, I AM TRYING TO COVER DARK CIRCLES!” because that can be even *more* obvious. Should I wear primer under it or something? I’ve been looking at YouTube makeup tutorials but then also seeing people online saying, “DON’T do your concealer like a YouTuber!!!” warnings as well, so, yeah. It doesn’t help that I wear contacts and am getting close to needing bifocals — so in the middle of the day if I want to look at my skin closely (does the concealer still look OK?, etc.), it’s just blurry.
Anonymous
Maybelline Instant Age Rewind Eraser for dark circles. I inherited my dark circles and have worn (and needed) undereye concealer since junior high – this product is the holy grail.
Horse Crazy
+1
Anonymous
Check out Lisa Eldridge on youtube. She is an actual makeup artist and has excellent tutorials for basic “no makeup” looks and how to use concealer. Make sure that your concealer matches your skin and isn’t lighter.
Anon
This is incredibly dependent on your skin tone. If you are on the light or pale side, match your skin – and even then you’ll need a high coverage concealer. If you are on the tan to darker side, go one to two shades lighter. Matching your skin on the darker range of skin tone will not work to brighten the area. It will look like you put foundation over brown eyeshadow.
NY CPA
I find concealer actually makes my dark circles look worse. I use Bobbi Brown corrector in a sort of peachy color instead which seems to counteract the blueness. Sometimes I wear just that, and it looks totally fine. Also looks fine with foundation.
K
You definitely don’t need to use foundation to use concealer. Don’t use as much as the youtubers do. They’ll do these ridiculous triangles under their eyes that go down their cheeks. You only need a few dots on the dark circles, then blend it out with either your finger, a beauty sponge, or a brush (your preference, I use a sponge). I would also use a translucent setting powder to put on top. You can use a primer but you might not find it necessary.
Definitely follow the above advice and watch Lisa Eldridge.
Here’s what I do: Prime with Too Faced Hangover Rx primer, dab a few dots of Laura Mercier Flawless Fusion Concealer under my eyes, blend with a Real Techniques sponge, use a brush to put Laura Mercier Translucent Powder on top.
Anon
Go one or two shades lighter with a concealer, only applying to the actual dark circles area and blending out just past the edge of the dark circle area (as opposed to Youtubers who go all the way down to the apples of their cheeks). Set with a translucent powder (Laura Mercier is great) or a banana yellow powder if you have dark skin (Sacha Buttercup is good for this) and swipe the remainder of the powder with a big fluffy brush away from your eyes across your face to blend the concealer and soften and mattify the rest of your face.
Anon
I also have genetically super dark undereye circles (combined with a newborn). I went into Sephora last month and they recommended Two Faced Born This Way concealer, which just came out in a new formulation. I’ve been LOVING it so far. It comes in a million colors, I don’t need to put foundation over it, and it lasts all day.
Anon
NY CPA makes a good point. You may need a color corrector in addition to or instead of a concealer. If I have time I use a color corrector under my concealer.
This Glamour post gives good information on color corrector.
https://www.glamour.com/gallery/best-color-correctors-for-every-skin-tone-issue
Anon
I like tr1sh mcev0y instant eye lift. It’s a thinner cream you put on with a wand like a lipgloss wand (but is more opaque than lip gloss) and it slightly covers and slightly reflects the under eye area. Her suggestion is to apply it in a triangle from the outer corner of the eye down to the side of the nostril and the same from the inner corner, then blend. I swear I look more awake when I do this. I wear it by itself if my skin is looking good (not red) that day.
Anonymous
I use it cosmetics bye bye under eye. It is a slightly peachy tone, which color corrects the dark circles. I believe It cosmetics has some videos on how to apply it, use it sparingly. Instant age rewind by Maybelline is also really good.
Miss
Kevyn Aucoin sensual skin is the absolute best concealer for under eye circles. I’ve been covering mine up since I was 12 and have tried everything. It’s incredibly pigmented so you can use a light layer that doesn’t budge or get in wrinkles and the finish is beautiful. You can set with powder or leave as is. No need to use foundation (Kevyn Aucoin was very much in favor of only spot concealing).
Betsy
Not what you asked, The Ordinary’s caffeine eye serum has done absolutely amazing things for my under eye circles. I’ve had pretty dark ones basically since I was a child and it is the first thing that has made a noticeable difference.
Anon
Random question – why is it the trend to have a “gender reveal” party when ultrasounds actually reveal the sex of the baby? Is it because of residual Victorian squeamishness about using the word sex? Obviously “sex reveal” party doesn’t have the same ring to it, but it’s better than using the incorrect word. Just don’t get it really.
Anonymous
I agree. Obviously there’s much more awareness of gender vs. sex now, but I remember even in the 80s when I would use the word gender for boy vs. girl, my mom would correct me and say “sex” – she thought it was a grammar thing and I was using the wrong word. Fortunately my close friends have not gotten on the “gender” reveal party train.
Anonymous
Because the parents are revealing the gender with which they plan to raise the baby.
Anonymous
Because in the actual world we live in, parents typically assign a gender to their babies based on their biological sex. As I’m sure you know. It’s an excuse to have a party. No one likes talking about babies and sex.
Anonymous
This is so weird though – ‘sex’ as in biological sex has nothing to do with doing the deed. I just find it strange that people get so hung up on the word.
Anonymous
It’s not that weird. I’m revealing to the world that I’m having a girl. That is her gender. Not that I’m having a human with a vagina.
Anonymous
Except you’re not. You’re revealing to the world that you’re having a human with a vagina. It is likely but not certain she’ll be a girl, and it seems weird to proclaim she’s a girl when you don’t know for sure.
Anon
No, a child with a vagina is a girl or (very rarely) intersex. However, raising your girl to be a frilly pink princess may well run counter to her future personality. Seems weird to have parties that usually run heavy on the sex-based stereotypes.
Anonymous
No no, she’s a girl now and she’s going to be a girl when she’s born and a girl she will stay until she is articulate enough to inform me otherwise. Parents assign gender. No one runs around announcing just had a baby! It has a penis! I’ll let you know its gender when it tells me! It’s absurd.
Anonymous
Sex is biological, gender is a social construct.
Anon
I do not like reveal parties, whatever you want tk call them. Weird.
That said, i’m fine with the idea of a baby having a gender, the same way i’m fine with a baby having a name. Said baby may well grow up and say “hey, sorry, you got it wrong – i’m actually male” or “i hate the name Susan so i’m going to change it to Veronika”. No issues. But you don’t have to NOT give your child a name or assign a gender just bc they don’t have agency yet to voice their opinion.
I’m also on Team Surprise for finding out what we’re having, btw.
Anon
Did you know that most states you can’t teach how to put a condom on in health class?
I listened to this podcast and found the rules about what you can teach so crazy:
https://www.wnycstudios.org/story/sex-ed/
The video where a guy puts on a sock is REALLY worth a watch on youtube.
Anonymous
Huh, that’s weird. I grew up in a very red state and we definitely put condoms on bananas.
Horse Crazy
That reminds me of when I moved back to my hometown after college and ran into my old health teacher in the grocery store…she was buying condoms and a ton of zucchinis!
anon
Yeah, we all understand that s3x in this context doesn’t mean PIV intercourse. Everyone gets that. It’s just the common parlance of our times to use gender in this context, even though it is not technically correct. It’s the same reason that people say “baby” even though the technical term at 7 weeks gestation is embryo. It’s really not that weird. What’s weird is throwing the dang party at all.
Anon
Because its outdated. People don’t understand the difference between sex and gender. Because they assume a female will end up wanting to wear pink and dresses. Don’t even get me started on tutu or touchdown parties. I obviously have opinions on this matter but 100% don’t understand how my typically super liberal friends are still throwing these parties. I also grew up in a household where I did wear dresses but my favorite color was blue and typically was things like a dragon for Halloween, I had dolls but so did all the boys at my mom’s home daycare. No barbies or disney, so I am sure some of my childhood is affecting this.
Anonymous
This.
Those parties are so horribly stereotypical. It’s a girl – she must love ballet and hate football. Ugh.
So glad none of my friends have done these, but I guess that’s probably why we are friends.
Eh
Counterpoint, you can throw a party like this without being stereotypical. I went to one that was “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” themed (as in, how we wonder what you are, a boy or a girl?), and all the decorations were black and white. We all (optionally) wore black if we thought it was a boy and white if we thought it was a girl. There were no tutus or footballs or anything… it was just a fun excuse to have a party. This was for my sister, though, so I did actually want to be there, and also it was just our large family plus her husband’s large family…. I’m not sure I would want to go to one that wasn’t family. But this one was, I thought, well done.
Anonymous
I mean you can, but how common are these? Almost all of them seem to revolve around pink/blue, cars/dolls, tutus/football etc
anon
Because people don’t understand the difference between s3x and gender and “s3x reveal party” has wildly different connotations. For most people, no, it’s not better than using the correct word because a) it sounds inappropriate and b) again, people don’t understand the difference between s3x and gender. Or sure, maybe they do get the difference, but see item a. 80 year old Aunt Mabel does not want to be invited to your s3x reveal party.
The correct answer to this dilemma is not to call it a s3x reveal party, it’s not to throw it at all, because it’s narcissistic af, no one wants to take time out of their Saturday afternoon to go to it (much less buy you a gift), and it perpetuates needless gender stereotypes. Have a tiny gathering for close family if you must, or do something cute for your spouse…everything about these parties makes me cringe.
Anonymous
Srsly, can people just say “having a party while we still don’t need to get a sitter.”
It used to be, if you wanted to drink with friends, you just drank with friends.
Anonymous
It’s funny how these things became so commonplace in the last 5-10 years. I thought it was narcissistic af too before I got pregnant and tons of friends and family were pressuring me to have one. (I didn’t have one.) Now that I know there is so much social pressure to have these things, I don’t judge quite so harshly.
Anonymous
Does anyone get surprised by a baby’s sex anymore?
IIRC, on ultrasound, there was a small chance that you might get a boy if he was turned the wrong way and you couldn’t see his . . . baby junk on the scan (conversely, when they say boy, it’s b/c they see something so it’s near-certain that you will have a boy).
My US said girl but it wasn’t until she came out that I really mentally committed to having a girl. Before, it was “well, they think it could be a girl but we won’t know for sure until he/she is here.”
Anonymous
Ha, I was the same way. I had a blood test in the first trimester that showed she was a girl, and that’s apparently 95% accurate and then we had an ultrasound that showed no penis, but when she came out I said “is she a girl??” Haha. I just didn’t believe it until she was in my arms I guess.
Anonymous
We didn’t find out ahead of time and it was the best! It was our third baby and we already had a boy and a girl, so we were set on baby clothes and had all the gear, etc. so we decided there was no need to find out ahead of time and let’s just be surprised! We had a water birth and my husband pulled the baby up out of the water and announced the sex.
anon
We are choosing to be surprised! Didn’t find out on the bloodwork and every time we go into the ultrasound we say ‘DON”T TELL US!” I want to find out the day it pops out!
FP
We were surprised with my first one! My OB’s office had this huge label on my file that said SURPRISE SEX which cracked me up because that sounded a lot more exciting than what it actually meant.
Anon
Ha, I love that!
SC
We’ve had 2 good friends and 1 family member decide to be surprised recently, so in my circle, it’s felt like that’s the trend.
SC
I remember my OB once told me that her 3rd baby was a “surprise” baby. I gave her a funny look, and she laughed and explained that they waited to find out the baby’s sex, then said, “Yeah, I guess my patients wouldn’t have much confidence in me if I told them I was surprised by the birth.”
Walnut
We waited until birth to find out with my 2nd and again with my third. The gender of the child just isn’t all that significant to me.
Seafinch
I am pregnant with my fourth and we have never found out. Won’t this time, either.
Anonynony
Honestly, I blame a mix of Pinterest and the baby-industry/social media.
And yes, most people assume their baby will grow up to have their gender/biological sex match. Generally I don’t think that most people who feel the need to announce their future daughter or son’s birth by shooting pink/blue cannons in the air are necessarily the most forward thinking when it comes to the whole gender non-conforming thing (though I’m sure they can be if their child ends up being gender non-conforming).
Overall, I agree that the whole reveal thing is weird.
Anonymous
There was a good discussion about this on APW a few weeks ago. The most charitable explanation I saw was this – pregnancy is scary. Every time you go to an appointment, you have no idea if there will be some serious health issue with you or the baby, or if the pregnancy is even still viable. The appointment where you find out the sex of the baby, though? Guaranteed to be happy. It’s a good thing either way. Maybe that’s worth celebrating?
I still don’t like the term “gender” reveal. It reflects either the parents’ ignorance of the distinction between sex and gender, or their naivety in assuming they get to choose their child’s gender orientation. Frankly I think it’s kind of disturbing that we’re celebrating the development of this part of the baby’s anatomy as opposed to, idk, its brain or lungs or heart or something. But you know I guess this is more important? Ok you know I really tried to be charitable here but I’m still just grumpy about the whole thing.
Anonymous
Because “gender non conforming” is non sense made up and encouraged by Uber liberals. Sorry but in the vast majority of homes, a boy will grow up a boy and a girl a girl. None of this – he is a boy and feels like a girl so check out his pretty dresses. Takes a certain type of crazy to “encourage” such “feelings” and then look down on others when they are not similarly “open minded.” Trans is just fashionable right now.
Anon
While I agree that a boy who wants to wear a dress isn’t a girl (and saying otherwise only reinforces homophobia and gender stereotypes), gender non-conforming behavior isn’t made up. Women who wear pants, have careers, and like trucks are all GNC – i.e., EVERYONE is GNC to some degree. No one is a walking Ken or Barbie doll. I don’t think that anyone deserves a special cookie for calling themselves GNC when it’s just a fact of life.
anon
Oh christ. Don’t feed it, people.
Anon
I think you’re too hung up on the common usage of a word vs its technical meaning.
That said I HAAAATE those gender reveal parties and ceremonies and instagram stories etc. I feel like it’s just a bunch of bridezillas who miss being the center of attention and have found yet another way to make their life Pinterest-worthy. It’s gross to me.
And i don’t hate kids – I’m a mom.
Never too many shoes...
A million yeses to the above.
Suburban
+1 we got invited to one and my husband thought it was going to be after the baby was born; like they’d hold up a n@ked baby like simba in the lion king.
Anonymous
10/10 would attend that party.
Mrs. Jones
This would be 1 million times better than a pre-birth reveal party. IN.
And Peggy
Honestly, the people who know the difference between sex and gender are probably not the types of people to have parties centered around finding out what “kind” of child they’re going to raise, because they don’t believe in gender essentialist parenting. Their baby might wear pink if it’s a girl or blue if it’s a boy, but chances are, there’ll be a ton of leeway in what toys the child plays with, what sports they’ll play or what type of other extracurriculars they might have, or what kind of clothing they’ll wear as the child gets older.
All these parties “reveal” is what genitals the child will be born with, and with that, what color cap it’ll have at the hospital. I have noticed that these parties tend to happen well before the baby shower, so the reveal may also provide guidance on what color stuff people might wanna get, in case *they* really want to see their granddaughter or niece in a rose gold onesie with just a hint of sparkle . . . or something.
That said, I totally get wanting to have a party related to the baby’s coming, because having a baby is (usually) really exciting. I wish there was a good name for a party where the whole purpose is just “YAY, we’re having a baby, come eat cake! (PS: it’s cool if you’d rather not, we understand celebration fatigue is a real thing and maybe for personal reasons it’s hard to celebrate other people having kids at this point in your life, it’s all good, we won’t hold it against you, but if you wanna see us and eat some cake and maybe other snacks, you’re welcome in our house on this specific afternoon! The game will probably be on too.)”
DC Bucket List
I just accepted a job offer in my home city so I’ll be living from DC to Philly shortly!!! I’ve been in DC for two years so I’ve done most things I can think of. Any cool ideas for a few DC adventures in my last few weeks here?
BabyAssociate
If you haven’t been, go visit the Library of Congress! It is probably my favorite DC site.
Anonymous
Wait until after Labor Day if you can. The LOC when full of sweaty schoolchildren is not a fun visit (very smelly and very loud).
Mount Vernon is my favorite DC area attraction.
DC Bucket List
LOC is my favorite tourist attraction :) it’s the one place I don’t mind visiting time and time again with visiting relatives and friends!
Anonymous
The National Archives was always my favorite – it’s amazing to see those documents.
Horse Crazy
I LOVE the Newseum. I’m not a big museum person, but the Newseum is absolutely amazing.
Anonymous
Walk around the monuments and down the Mall at night! They’re all lit up and it’s very cool.
Ex-NoVAer
Watch out for the rats!
Anonymous
Hillwood estate! Such a pretty house and gardens.
Anonymous
Welcome back to Philly!!! I moved here a couple years ago and LOVE it. :) When I got to DC I go to the Hirshhorn. One of the few free modern art museums!
Anonymous
A close friend just broke up with her boyfriend and is understandably devastated–she posted on social media about it.
I hated this guy and told her so when they first started dating (hostile comments about feminism, signs he was a terrible partner in previous relationship, possible racism). I got carried away with it actually…I told her she needed to break up with him right away and that he wasn’t welcome in my house. She actually took my harshness pretty well at the time, saying I should trust her conscience and that she would do what was right for her. It didn’t affect our friendship badly as far as I can tell, because she lives across the country from me and it was unlikely that he was going to make it to my house, anyway.
Anyway…I want to comfort her in this sad time, but am conscious of the fact that it might sound fake for me to be sorry they broke up, when I am very relieved about it.
Of course I can tell her I’m sorry she’s in pain (I am), but wondering if anyone has suggestions for what to say about the rest of it. I’ve even considered not saying anything because I don’t know if she’ll want to hear it from me…but she is a great friend and always really supportive of me, and I really do feel bad that I was kind of a jerk friend when they started dating and want to do the right thing now.
Anon in NYC
“Friend, I’m so sorry that you’re hurting right now. I love you and I’m here to listen if you ever want to vent.”
Anonymous
Yep this is the way to handle it. It only sound fake if you say, sorry you broke up, because obviously you’re not sorry about the break up. I don’t think you ignore it either; that comes off as haughty – like the only thing you would say is I told you so.
I’ve been through this with a friend. I said basically what Anon in NYC suggests and friend still snapped at me, you never liked him anyway! I just calmly responded that no I didn’t like him but I know SHE did and she’s in pain. She appreciated that and we’re still good friends.
Horse Crazy
+1. Be sorry your friend is sad, and be there for her as much as you can. Leave it at that.
Ellen
Agreed. Boyfreinds can be so smelley sometimes that she really is not missing much. But don’t revisit his many probelems. It is over, and that is a good thing. If you manage to find another decent guy, set them up. Assume that it will not work, but do NOT give up on men, like I have b/c my ex was a big jerk. FOOEY on loosers like him!
anonshmanon
Yes this. Focus on her as a person, don’t directly reference the guy or the relationship. This way you don’t say something that can feel dishonest.
I’ve had the boyfriend that my friend didn’t like. Broke it off, she told me ‘well I never thought you two were meant to be’. Started dating him again, broke up for good. She is still my friend and I know she cares about me.
Anon
Yikes. I think you should not expect to be THE shoulder this friend cries on. Tell her you’re sorry she’s in pain and offer to be there and then follow her lead.
CX
Even if she starts listing his flaws, avoid piling on, it could come off as gloating that you told her so. Just focus on cheering her up/taking cute new photos for her dating profile.
sheep jump death match
Say “I’m sorry it didn’t work out the way you had hoped.”
Board Games?
My SO and I have fallen in to watching tv/movies at night, and want to find some other more interactive things to do. We both enjoy playing board games with friends, so I thought that would be a good thing to try. Any recommendations for good 2-player games? Other recommendations for things to try?
Anon
Games:
– Mr Jack
– Star Realms
-Love letter
– Dominion
– Splendor
-Harry Potter Hogwarts Battle
– Fog of Love
– Cribbage
– Carcassonne – has a good ipad app version
– Pandemic – has a good ipad app version
I would also suggest finding a game board store/cafe that lets you play the game to try them out there. You can get a drink and play and then decide if you like the game before you buy it.
They also make escape room games which are one time use but fun.
pugsnbourbon
+1 to Dominion, there are a ton of ways to change it up, too!
AnonInfinity
I love Boggle and Yahtzee, and both of those can be played with just two people.
Torin
Splendor and Codenames are our favorite weeknight games for two (Codenames has both a party version and a 2 player version). Easy set up, easy rules, but actual concentration and strategy required to play. We love Pandemic too but it doesn’t check the “easy set up and rules” boxes, so we usually play that on weekends.
kag
Jaipur, Patchwork, 7 Wonders Duel.
Hollis
I don’t we ever talked about Serial 1 and Adnan Syed here. I was convinced of his innocence but a family member told me he thinks Adnan did commit the murder, which I’m still processing. Any members of the hive agree with him? I thought most people thought he was wrongly convicted and are applauding the granting of a new trial. Anyone here have any thoughts on the case?
Anonymous
I’m pretty convinced that Adnan and Jay both had some role in the crime. I’m also convinced that he had ineffective assistance of counsel and the prosecution didn’t meet its burden of proof and, therefore, deserves a new trial.
January
+1. I’m surprised you’re surprised by this.
Anonymous
I think he was probably involved, but I think the State did not meet its burden of proof and therefore he should NOT get a new trial, but the convictions should be vacated. (That is the remedy when the State fails to present sufficient evidence.)
Miss
Yes this. I’m a criminal defense attorney so maybe I’m jaded, but my whole office listened to the first Serial and all of us agreed that the State didn’t prove his case beyond a reasonable doubt, but he likely did it or had a significant role.
JHC
What?!? You know the family? Has this person publicly stated the reason or is there any research/investigation about it that we could read?
Anonymous
I think she means her family member, not Adnan’s….
JHC
Yep. Totally misread that.
K
I think she means someone in her own family.
Mrs. Jones
I def think he deserves a new trial.
Listen also to the Undisclosed podcast, if you haven’t already.
Anonymous
I (and most lawyers I’m friend with) think he had an unfair trial AND that he did it. Those things are are totally compatible.
Torin
Yep. He did it. His lawyer was still asleep at the wheel.
Anonymous
This result would not surprise me in the least.
Anonymous
This is where I come out as well.
another lawyer
+1
Marshmallow
+1 I think he was at least involved, but deserves a new trial.
Housecounsel
I really thought he was innocent – but even if not, agree he deserves a new trial.
Lone Wolf
I need advice on building/managing my relationship with my new boss. We had a bit of a re-org a few months ago, and I now report to a department head rather than directly to my director. My new department head coordinates my workload and handles my time card, etc. However, I don’t really interact with her very much. The department head has 2 direct reports. She frequently works pretty closely with the other report and they have lots of 1 on 1 meetings and seem to be on the same page while I’m getting left in the dark. I’ve requested regular meetings with my department head, but she keeps blowing me off (there’s a meeting on the calendar that’s been rescheduled about 6 times since May- she just rescheduled it again today). I used to have monthly check-ins with the director that helped me stay up to date on what was going on in other departments and how I could contribute to various initiatives, and it gave me a space to express concerns or new ideas. Since I’m no longer her direct report, those were cancelled and nothing has been put in place instead. I feel out of the loop with my department and it’s making me concerned that I’m going to miss something important. Right now I’m managing my work the best I can on my own, but I feel a little hung out to dry. What should I do?
Panda Bear
That stinks. Can you talk to her about the check-in meeting? It doesn’t have to be a formal confrontation, but maybe swing by her office and say ‘hey, I know you’re super busy (not sure if it’s true, but…), but I’d really like to make this check-in happen – can we get something firm on the calendar’? It might also help if you have specific things you can tell her that you want to hash out in the check-in (e.g., I have questions about x, or ideas about y that I need your feedback on) rather than a vague ‘I’d like to check in because I feel out of the loop’.
Orchid Care
I received a beautiful orchid as a hostess gift recently. Any advice on orchid care? I have very lately become interested in plants and want to keep this one alive and thriving, but my capabilities so far are succulents (easy) and peace lilies (also easy). I have done some basic internet reading but would love any tips!
Anon
What kind of orchid?
OP - Orchid Care
Umm. A purple one? Maybe that is what I should be asking. From online picture comparison, my guess is phalaenopsis.
Anon
OK, great! There are lots of good resources out there. I’d start with the American Orchid Society’s website. They have novice culture sheets for phals and lots of other types. You can also really go down the rabbit hole of orchid care, too.
When you look at stuff on the internet related to orchid care, try to get a feel for where the author is located. I cooked my first couple of phalaenopsis because a bright window in Florida is not the same thing as a bright window in Vermont.
Now that I’ve got their requirements somewhat dialed in, my orchids have become fairly low-maintenance. I’ve also learned that I prefer cattleyas and vandas, as they are better suited to the spots I have available to put plants.
Anyway, have fun with it. They’re fascinating plants!
Anonymous
Mine thrive with my unintentional neglect. I have a black thumb and I have yet to kill them. I try to throw a couple of ice cubes in there weekly, but don’t always remember. That’s all I do. I am sure I could do something else to get them to bloom more often, but I am happy with how frequently they bloom and am also fairly ignorant about their capability for blooms.
All of that to say, if you ignore them a bit, it won’t be the end of the world!
Anon
People with orchids, do you keep the stem and look at a stick for a couple years before it decides to rebloom? Do you cut the stem? I’ve been gifted with orchids, and though I take care of them with proper lighting feeding and watering, after the blooms fall off (usually after a few months), I tend to just toss them and by another one. Is there a better way?
Anon
It sounds like you’re talking about a phalaenopsis. Once the bloom from the store is finished, I cut the old spike (I’ve not had luck getting old spikes to rebloom, though others’ experience varies), repot, fertilize with a time-release fertilizer and place in an area that gets morning sun. My couple of phals are actually sheltered from more sun by my more sun-loving orchids. Mine reliably bloom once or twice per year, depending on the plant. In the summer, they’re outside and get lots of (rain) water, but also plenty of breeze. Because of this, I’ve got them in a very loose potting mix. Otherwise, they’d rot! In the winter, they come inside and I run them under the faucet around once every 10 days. I’d stay away from watering with ice-cubes. It may not kill your plant, but it’s not good for the roots that have to touch the ice, and running the pot under the faucet isn’t any more difficult. If your plant isn’t reblooming, try giving it more light. That said, supermarket/big box phalaenopsis haven’t been bred for longevity. While they will rebloom successfully, they may not hold up as well as some other varieties/species.
Anonymous
You trim off the stem(s) once the blooms fall off (I also pull the stakes out so there’s not just random sticks). Then water, put in light, et al. until a new stem grows. I also got some orchid stakes from Amazon (I think they were miracle gro), stuck those in the pot as well. The plant should eventually bloom again.
emeralds
My MO is to trim off the stem when the blooms die, continue to benignly neglect the weird looking alien space leaves and tendrils, wait for it to bloom again.
I have three orchids that bloom at various stages around the year. I love that something so stunningly beautiful comes from such an ugly plant.
Anonymous
So one of my coworkers recently told me about a place that will take care of orchids in the dormant phase and then you pick it back up when it blooms. So she owns several orchids, but only has the blooming ones in her house and then swaps them out from the orchid storage place when they are dormant. Which sounded like the most random and brilliant business model ever. I don’t know if this is a thing everywhere, but you might check.
MJ
The easiest way to water is with ice cubes. They like the slow trickle. Pile a bunch of ice cubes on the wood chips once a week. Find a location with medium light, no direct sunlight. They like moisture so if you want to take them to your bathroom with you for a shower now and again (not in the shower, just in the bathroom), you’ll do well. That’s it!
Anon
Don’t overwater. Put it in light but not direct light. The orchid I had reblooming in the office for years was in a northeast corner with the direct eastern light blocked by a wall. I watered about a shot glass a week (that’s not much) and sometimes skipped watering.
And then there’s luck of the draw. Sometimes you get a good one. Sometimes you don’t.
Ouch! That hurts
Be sure to take the moss off the top of the dirt … it can be too wet otherwise. If it’s actually in a plastic pot/liner inside a porcelain pot, try to take out the plastic pot/liner for the same reason. Don’t move it around. Once a week water and let all the water drain out. Ice cubes are splendid. We grow tons of phalenopsis and other kinds … we leave the bloom stalk on after the flowers are gone. As long as the stalk is green, it may make a pup or another branch that then has blossoms. They are not as delicate as they seem. Orchids do only one thing at a time … make leaves, make roots, bloom. Don’t bother to try and tuck roots back into the pot. In the wild, they usually live on tree branches with roots out in the air to absorb moisture …. Enjoy!
Anonymous
How do I tell my BF I don’t want to get married yet? I knew I wanted to marry this man on our first date. Ok maybe our second. He feels the same way, we’ve talked about a future together in vague but hopeful terms. Well he just told me that he’d like to be married this spring. I was so shocked I think I said something like, “uhhhh wow that’s aggressive.” I need to collect myself and tell him actually no I don’t want to be married in a few months. Or 2019 at all. The last thing I want is for him to propose and I’d have to say, no not right now.
There are Reasons but mostly his timeline is just too fast for my comfort. I think I should stay away from the Reasons and just tell him I need more time, right? I worry that if I told him anything specific he would treat it like a checklist. Once I have $X in the bank we can get married – that sort of thing. It’s not just one thing, though, it’s more that he needs to get a couple areas of his life in order and I want to see that he can do that on his own. I don’t want to hurt his feelings but I think I need to address this timeline he put out there. Any advice on how to soften the blow?
Anonymous
Be honest with him! You’re contemplating marriage with the dude at some point! You have to be able to discuss your relationship honestly.
AnonInfinity
With the caveat below that people aren’t projects, please do be honest with him.
I don’t know what areas you’re talking about, but for example if he’s a slob and you don’t want to live with that, it doesn’t seem fair to me that you just expect him to read your mind and start being neater.
You do also have to be prepared that he’ll never truly change these areas, though, and decide whether you can live with that.
Anonymous
People aren’t projects. You take them the way they are or not at all. Unless you’re very young (just out of undergrad) or you’re the poster from a few weeks back who was freaking out over dating someone with student loans, you should assume that these “couple areas” will always be there. Can you live with them? Ok. And if you can’t, you might want to rethink a future with him.
OP
He’s on track to resolving most of the issues (and was before I met him), but I want some time to observe the follow through. It’s mostly financial. You know that poster whose ex turned out to be a con artist? BF basically went through the same thing a little over a year ago. He’s almost out of the hole she dug for him. It’s kind of hard to know whether we’re on the same page with savings/spending/investing when he’s aggressively paying down debt that wasn’t his fault. For example, he has a couple house projects that need to be done (but aren’t emergencies yet) but he hasn’t done them because of the debt – which makes sense. But I want to know that he’s not going to endlessly procrastinate on house stuff once he’s able to get back on his feet.
There are some other things I want to observe more too. I’ve seen enough to give me pause but not enough to know whether it’s actually an issue and if so whether I can live with it.
We also haven’t had a disagreement yet — conflict resolution is kind of a big deal so I want to see how we handle that before we make anything official.
Veronica Mars
Yeah, OP… this is weird. You’re basically setting up tests for him and watching him to see if he fails? What? When I knew I wanted to marry my husband it was because he had all of the qualities I was looking for (and he’s super hot). Qualities supersede circumstances. Is he a hard worker? Is he financially disciplined? (seems like it to pay off the debt). I think you’re either a) not that into him and are putting up these tests as a way to explain your hesitation or b) are not mature enough to get married.
Eh
Some of this seems unfair. He’s paying down debt (debt that wasn’t even his own fault) rather than spending inadvisably on home projects, but you’re faulting him for procrastinating the home projects. If he spent the money on the projects, you’d be faulting him for not paying the debt. He can’t win.
You said above you want to avoid accidentally giving him a checklist (if I save enough $$, then she’ll marry me), but you’ve given yourself a checklist. If he shows me he doesn’t procrastinate home improvement, if he shows you (insert the other things you want to observe)… then you’ll marry him? That’s the same thing you want to avoid doing to him.
If you love him and want to marry him, these checklist items are not things that should affect your decision. These particular items, at least how you’ve described them, are not the most understandable dealbreakers. You get to have whatever dealbreakers you want, of course, but these actually sound like excuses for you not really being that into him.
Anonymous
This. You need to be able to talk about your financial values. What if he doesn’t do the home improvements because he is saving for a ring. Are you okay with him taking on debt for a ring? Or do you want a smaller paid off ring? Or debt for a ring but home improvements done right away? There’s no right answer but it’s an example of how you need to be able to discuss your financial priorities with each other.
I have a smaller ring than is common in my socio-economic group but I’m totally fine with that because it was part of a longer term financial plan where we agreed on priorities like purchasing only used cars and spending more on travel and ensuring that we were financially able to each take extended unpaid leave after we had our babies.
S
This. You need to be able to talk about your financial values. What if he doesn’t do the home improvements because he is saving for a ring. Are you okay with him taking on debt for a ring? Or do you want a smaller paid off ring? Or debt for a ring but home improvements done right away? There’s no right answer but it’s an example of how you need to be able to discuss your financial priorities with each other.
I have a smaller ring than is common in my socio-economic group but I’m totally fine with that because it was part of a longer term financial plan where we agreed on priorities like purchasing only used cars and spending more on travel and ensuring that we were financially able to each take extended unpaid leave after we had our babies.
anonshmanon
I mean, there is some give and take. In principle I agree that people aren’t projects, but sometimes it turns out that your partner is happy to change that Thing that drives you crazy. Other times, partner will insist or be unable to shake some habit, and you have to consider whether you can live with it. But in all cases, you have to talk to him!
I know there is this romantic notion of ‘if he truly knew me and cared about me, he would totally stop X/make the big gesture’. But that is complete BS. Sit down and say that you can see spending the rest of your life with him, but that x, y and z are giving you pause. Don’t make it an ultimatum. Acknowledge where he is moving in a direction that makes you hopeful. Be specific about what might be a dealbreaker, he deserves to know.
Veronica Mars
I had a similar situation with my now-husband. We were both 100% sure but he wanted to move faster than I did. I agree with you that having a checklist or relying on external factors is not a good strategy and is essentially stringing your partner along for made-up reasons. I’d pick a date that you think works for you (for me, I picked a date about 3 months out, because I knew I’d personally be OK with getting engaged at the 1-year mark, and the date I picked was month 9). That was our “put a pin in it” date. Basically, I said, “I love you and I want to have a future with you, but this is moving too fast for me. Let’s put a pin in this and not discuss it until June (or whatever). At that point, we can sit down and evaluate where we are and when an engagement makes sense. But I need some space in between then. That means not talking about marriage, weddings, etc. etc. It’s natural to be excited but I want to enjoy dating you right now and living in the moment.” He took it well. We ended up getting engaged in June. So I’d pick a date (maybe 6 months, a year, etc) that works for you and try that. I wouldn’t “renew” beyond one time. But see what some space does for you.
Anon in NYC
“BF, I love you and I see us spending the rest of our lives together, but I’m not ready to get married yet. I’m happy with our relationship as it is right now.”
COtoNY
Tell him that you were surprised he wants to get married so soon (assuming it is soon) and that you want to marry him, but not as quickly as he does. Also, please tell him about these areas of his life that you think he needs to get together so that he actually does what you need him to do, and isn’t just left wondering why you still don’t want to get married yet.
Anonymous
I mean, if you can’t have this kind of conversation with him, then you definitely shouldn’t be marrying him. It’s also unfair to your bf that you’re not being completely honest with him about your feelings on this.
Anon
I dunno, sounds like you should break up with him. It doesn’t sound like you actually want to marry him ever, and he deserves to know that now.
Anon
How long have you two been together? How old are you? Do you want biological children? Are you currently living together?
One small issue is that putting together a spring wedding when you are getting engaged at the end of the summer or early autumn might be challenging. It’s doable – not all weddings have to be complicated – but it is a lot of work, even for more basic weddings, and just the fact that someone is forcing you to rush for seemingly no good reason is stressful. My engagement is about nine months long, I’m having a wedding at a church and a reception at an all-inclusive place that will just put out tables and delicious food, and it seems like a crazy sprint.
But that’s tangential to a larger issue, which is that you two are not on the same page regarding a lot of things, and you still want to “observe” him. Look, you either know the guy or you don’t, and you either know that you can live with his flaws or you can’t. Don’t say you know you’re going to get married when you sound like you’re not sure you want to be with him.
Anon
I recently got into backpacking and I have a friend who lives a few states away who is doing the same. Her first trip is next weekend and she revealed that they’re “planning to bring enough water from home to last the whole time” instead of bringing any kind of water filtration system. I just got back from my own trip where I had to give water to two stranded runners who had “brought enough from home” and ended up extremely dehydrated after a wrong turn added 10 miles to their day, even though there were ample lakes around that they could have filtered water from. I don’t want to be a know-it-all, especially since I’m new to this, nor do I want to tell someone else how to run their trip, but would it be better to speak up and encourage her to take water filtration for safety or to let her figure it out on her own, potentially the hard way? It’s possible I’m overthinking this, but as a woman, I HATE getting unsolicited advice about the outdoors from “well-meaning” men. I don’t want to do the same thing and assume my friend is helpless or can’t figure out basic safety herself.
Anonymous
Just tell her the story about the runners.
Anonymous
Just say it. Bringing water to ‘last the whole time’ is insufficient.
With backcountry camping you need to be prepared for emergencies. Assuming you will be back on time, every time, is a recipe for disaster.
anon
The hard way is death or medical emergency. At the Grand Canyon there are signs posted that tell the story of a marathon runner who thought she could day hike down and back up again, didn’t pack enough water, and died. This happens to people. Even if they just bring iodine or another type of purification tablets as a back up– they’re not expensive, they aren’t heavy, and they could save them. It’s insanely stupid not to do this. I’d tell her straight up. At the very least, maybe she can be convinced that she can buy herself peace of mind even if she wants to drink la croix or whatever. Plus why does she want to carry the weight of all that water on her back? No thanks.
Anonymous
They make those water filter straws now, and they are about $14 on Amazon. They are light and small (compared to a filter), so don’t add a lot to the load. Tell her about those, as a “just in case”.
Anon
Good news – I told her the runner story and she ordered Aquatabs on Amazon! Easier than I thought it would be. She seems kind of unprepared for other stuff as well, but I think experience is a good teacher for the non-life-threatening components. Thanks all.
Torin
I struggle with this as a climber. I hate it when men spray beta, particularly when the beta is either 1) just bad or 2) obviously not suited to height or climbing style. I also hate it when they mansplain gear. But. I see lots of newbies doing things that are objectively dangerous (e.g. the guy how was leaning with his back against the wall with a huge jug about six inches above his head while lead belaying) and frequently want to say something because they clearly don’t see the danger or they wouldn’t be doing the dangerous thing. Sometimes I say something, sometimes I don’t.
In this situation, I think your friend is the one doing something actively dangerous and preventing the danger is both extremely easy and incredibly cheap. Filters these days cost and weigh almost nothing. Taking one is absolutely a no brainer. Just suggest she take one and tell her the story about the runners.
Anon
OP here and I think it’s a good call to speak up when it comes to climbing dangers. I suppose that if my friend ran out of water, she could technically survive on unfiltered lake water and just run the risk of giardia or E.coli infection, but when it comes to unsafe belaying, there is a real risk of immediate death or injury. I find that most of my climbing partners don’t even do the basic safety checks before starting up the route, which is pretty concerning. I insist on it and they’re all like “oh yeah, I should start doing that.” It’s all about making safety a habit.
Torin
I definitely say something to people I climb with and don’t accept things that are dangerous from them. But randos at the gym or at the crap don’t always take the advice well, or agree that what they’re doing is dangerous. I once got into an argument with a guy who dropped his cellphone from an unzipped pocket while climbing a roof on lead, because I said he shouldn’t take things up with him that weren’t secured and he said it was the person below him’s job to avoid anything that got dropped. Ridic, in my opinion.
Anonymous
I fall into the only giving beta/advice if it’s asked for camp, but will speak up if I see something dangerous and the parties seem blithely unaware. Like, it’s your poor choice not to wear a helmet climbing, but I’ll point out if I see someone backclip or whatever.
Anon backpacker
I don’t know why you would want to carry more water than you need—it’s so heavy. Plus with the safety concerns you mentioned, I agree you should say something; it doesn’t have to be preachy but just suggest that you never know if something will happen to make you lose more water or get stuck out there longer than you meant to, and it’s a good idea to carry iodine or chlorine tablets just in case.
Well...
I am the kind of person who thinks bringing water from home is ridiculous but I personally know a 16 year old who was hospitalized after going on a guided backpacking tour in New Mexico. The portable contamination straws and bottles were not adequate. She was so, so sick.
Davis
Yes – tell her this story.
She can get a quick fix like a Life Straw, which is cheap and light, but would work for an emergency.
Pale Girl Snorkeling
Talk to me about disabilities and getting accommodations. Who has been successful in getting one? Have you helped clients? I’m especially interested in people in professional jobs and those with invisible illnesses. I have fibromyalgia (recently diagnosed) and am trying to get some accommodations for this but it’s not going well to say the least
Anon
I am sorry this is not going well for you. I have an apparent/visible disability and have received several accommodations. I have also assisted clients with both apparent and nonapparent disabilities in getting accommodations. Sit down with HR (or your supervisor if there is no HR department) and discuss what you need. Put that request in writing. You may need to provide some medical documentation, but do not sign a release allowing your employer to get records from your medical providers unless it is narrowly tailored. Let me know if I can answer additional questions.
Anon
I forgot to mention that I am an attorney and have assisted professionals with nonapparent illnesses.
Pale Girl Snorkeling
This is exactly what I did and I got nowhere…
TCFKAG
How big a company/organization is it? There are really big differences between bigger companies that are governed by the ADA and have professional HR departments and smaller companies that may only be governed by state law.
And it can be really, really hard if an employer is uncooperative. I’d love to say that you can fight and win, but sometimes looking for a different job is all you can do (which stinks, I know, I’ve had to do it).
Pale Girl Snorkeling
It’s big enough to be covered by ADA which is why I started the process.
I am looking for new jobs, but I’m not thrilled about it. I bought a house here and was planning to stay for several years.
Anonymous
I am a professional with an “invisible illness” that causes periods of extreme fatigue, etc. and would never think to ask for accommodations. I am in a client-facing, moderate-travel role, and I consider it my responsibility to plan ahead and pace myself so I can do my job no matter what. I once turned down a treatment option that would have caused side effects potentially detrimental to my job performance.
Anon
This Grin and Bear It approach is fine if you want it, but OP don’t think you shouldn’t seek accommodations when you are legally entitled to them. You don’t have to play life on hard mode.
Anonymous
Thank you for saying this. I tried to do this for many years which is how I ended up sick for the better part of 6 months last year. My doctors have been very clear that if I want to get better I have to stop doing this or I’ll end up in the same place where I’m bed bound for weeks
Pale Girl Snorkeling
Thank you for saying this. I did the grin and bear it for several years and it had a severe impact on my health. My doctors have been very clear that if I do that again I will make myself even worse and being bed bound for weeks is the best I could hope for.
I really want to do my job and do it well, there are just some times that I can’t do that job in my office, but I can do it from home.
TCFKAG
Terrific for you, that’s not what the law says and also, frankly, not helpful to all of us who have chronic invisible illnesses who can’t just carry on and “plan ahead” for unpredictable diseases.
anon
Also a professional with an invisible illness that causes extreme fatigue, chronic pain, and a bunch of other stuff. I used to take the grin and bear it approach until I realized (1) it was making me sicker and (2) it was some pretty serious internalized ableism that I was taking out on myself. I’ve since begun to put my physical needs first and even come out about my illness at work. I am still crushing it professionally while feeling a lot better. Anon @ 11:07, please be more gentle with yourself and realize it’s not a zero-sum game.
Anonymous
It’s hard and often people lose their jobs.
TCFKAG
I have Crohn’s Disease and have had to ask for informal and formal accommodations in a variety of workplaces. Mostly, I think the best first step is to notify your HR and direct supervisor. And then from there, you may want to play it by ear a little, because you may not know what accommodations you really need yet (for me, it’s the ability to work remotely when necessary and more [unpaid] sick leave than “normal” for doctor’s appointments and hospitalizations, but I am also a contractor).
Make sure to document any official requests in writing by email. But I wouldn’t suggest bringing in a huge list until you’re confident about what your needs will be. And don’t immediately assume it will be an adversarial process – I’ve had very good luck with accommodations actually. I think it’s easier in the professional environment sometimes. The issue is less accommodations and more the assumption by many/most people that you won’t be able to “make it” with your condition….that’s a lot harder to deal with.
TCFKAG
I also misread your final sentence! The not going well part is a bigger deal and definitely requires documentation and perhaps outside advice/advice from someone else within the agency.
Sorry, without more info its hard to be helpful, but notifying your HR and working through them if your boss isn’t being helpful is a good first step. If your HR isn’t helpful, that’s an even bigger issue. Doing some research about what has been found to be reasonable accommodations under the ADA for fibro is also a good idea (fibro support groups can be a good place to get this sort of info too as a lot of those people will have sought their own accommodations).
Pale Girl Snorkeling
The sad part is that I have already done all of this. Written a formal letter, met with HR, asked for the accommodations I needed based on my past years of living with this (before it was diagnosed) and the several months since. I worked with my health care to come up with the accommodation request. HR has informed me that they would NOT be giving me what I asked for, which was the ability to work from home when I was having a lot of symptoms. No other options were offered.
Rainbow Hair
I’d educate yourself on what HR has to give you, and then show in your communications that you are well informed.
“Hi HR Person. On Date I submitted my reasonable accommodation request, asking for permission to work from home under certain conditions, supported by Document and Document. I am in receipt of your Date email denying that request, but I have yet to hear any other options to accommodate my disability. I am eager to engage in an interactive process with you to allow me to complete my essential job functions. Please let me know what I can do to move this process along!”
I don’t think there’s any harm to writing an email that reads like, “this is Exhibit A to my complaint” because that’s how you leverage the law to your advantage. And if HR/whomever reads it that way and says, “oh shoot, she’s really serious” and starts to take you seriously, yay. If not, well, at least you’ve got a good trail of communication to attach to your complaint.
anon a mouse
Do they offer telework to other employees?
What did they counteroffer as an accommodation for your symptoms? Are there elements of your job that they say must be done in the office?
TCFKAG
Agreed with the above. And there are patient-advocates out there that will even help you prepare this sort of email.
I actually think they have a legal duty to at least propose alternative accommodations (and remote work now-a-days is a very common accommodation even though early case law didn’t always support it as a necessary accommodation).
But yes, they can’t just tell you “NO” and move on, it should be an interactive process where they at least propose alternatives.
I’m so sorry this is happening by the way Pale Girl Snorkeling, it’s enough that you have to deal with a newly diagnosed fibro, it sucks that you have to add an uncooperative employer to the mix.
Anonymous
Right, wrong, or indifferent, fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue are likely to be handled differently than say chron’s or some other issue that while invisible, still feels more specific. I’d say you probably are going to have to fight a bit harder unfortunately. Especially at a job you’ve been at for awhile. Unless you’ve had a recent hospitalization or something which triggered the need for the accommodation, it’s really easy for people to think “well, she’s been working for a couple of years and says she ‘hurts’, but don’t we all…” Not saying it’s fair, just saying you probably will need to fight a bit more than someone who needs a more specific accommodation.
Opioids
Are there any good books re the opioid crisis?
I had minor outpatient surgery and was sort of shocked to get an rx for them (non-refillable). I filled it but was too scared to take it. Advil was fine.
Also, I understand that there are people with chronic pain who need them (cancer maybe?) but if they chronically need them, aren’t those people also addicts (but at that point, does it matter if you have cancer, etc. anyway? Maybe you would be unable to drive and unable to work (esp. for places that do drug screenings)).
At any rate, I know hard to escape this is (my family demons have all been alcohol, which is such a different beast as it is socially acceptable to such a high degree, even when it is obviously at problematic levels and causing harm to self/family/strangers). But I want to understand it more. It seems to be everywhere now, especially small rural towns where there is no $ and no way for people to get help even if they want it.
Anon
It’s truly scary. I have an immediate family member who got off opioids this year in conjunction with a medical specialist at a prestigious university. It’s been hard and I’m really proud of him for taking the step after 3-4 years of hardcore use for his chronic pain resulting from several surgeries. He also knows that he’s damn lucky to have the time and resources to go through this process with a well-regarded MD instead of trying to do it cold turkey with no support.
Interestingly, his doctor informed him that kicking opioids is actually easier than kicking the use of benzos (for anxiety) and anti-depressants. Apparently she sees many patients, including my family member, who are addicted to all three and opioids, while challenging to quit even with the help of medication-assisted withdrawal, are way easier than the other two. It sounds like we have yet another unacknowledged crisis on our hands in this country. I had never even heard of Xanax being addicting until my family went through this.
Anonymous
I’ve heard this too — that an unnumbed life where it’s you and your feelings is truly terrifying to people and that can make quitting so hard (esp. when they have done things they are ashamed of when addicted — lost homes, jobs, families, stolen, etc.).
Anonymous
I’m terrified of this. Anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds have been necessary and life changing for me, but I definitely fear the day I decide to taper off.
Anonforthis
Please distinguish between those of us (with chronic pain) who use chronic opioids to treat pain from people who abuse opioids, it’s a very different phenomenon. And people who take narcotics correctly, as prescribed, for valid pain are significantly less likely to develop an abusive addiction issue than others.
Also, there’s a difference between physical dependence which will develop in any long term user of a lot of types of fairly common medications, and addiction.
I don’t have any book recommendations but there are some decent Netflix documentaries, though there are very few that look at the difference between medical need and abuse (most focus on the abuse side of things to the exclusion of all else). But in general, there are a LOT of steps between a short post-surgical narcotic prescription and heroin.
And just speaking as someone with chronic pain, the absolute demonization of pain management that has resulted from the opioid crisis punishes those of us who are managing serious conditions because every new rule and regulation impacts us, while people using illegal drugs continue to, well, not be impacted by rules and regulations. So try not to be too judgmental of people who need medications to live their daily lives.
Anonymous
I think that a problem is that some people claim to be like you to get their pills (and I’m not even going to start with the pill mills). How is one to distinguish? I have a friend who was in a serious car accident that he survived and went through extensive physical rehab after leaving the hospital. All the time I was praying that he not become an addict while being relieved that he wasn’t dead or with extensive head trauma.
And, even if he had started on the path of being a legit opioid user, how can we as family and friends be vigilant and helpful in making sure that people don’t start down the wrong path? Counseling at the first refill? Something else?
It’s outrageous that many of these addicts started off on this stuff with a legit Rx and it turned on them.
Anonymous
You don’t. You aren’t a drug cop.
Anonymous
We are within our families. People are right to be concerned whenever opioids enter the picture.
anon
Hard disagree– the opiod epidemic is so pervasive that there is no way it can be managed without family and friend involvement. The police cannot possibly handle the volume. I work in law enforcement.
Anon
I’m the anon with the family member who just kicked opioids. Another family member is due to get surgery next week and she and I are having an open conversation about how to manage pain safely after her procedure. She has had this surgery before (related to a broken bone in her foot) and she was prescribed freaking Fentanyl last time – why in the name of all that is holy would doctors prescribe that for an outpatient foot surgery? This time, she is making a plan to fill the prescribed Vicodin with no refills and with Advil at the ready for the transition. I think planning ahead is crucial because it is too easy to go from legitimate use to abuse “because it’s still painful.” Opioids were never intended for chronic joint/similar pain and they are ineffective for that kind of long-term management.
chronic pain
I’m sorry, but your last sentence is inaccurate. Even the new CDC guidelines, which are incredibly restrictive and are causing incredible challenges for chronic pain sufferers, acknowledge that opioids have a place in long term pain management. Opioids are in many cases the only effective treatment for long-term chronic pain. Don’t tell chronic pain sufferers – so many of whom rely on opioids to function as normal humans – that they don’t work. You may not like that truth, but trust me, chronic pain sufferers don’t like it any more than you do.
Anonymous
Also, foot surgeries are supposedly one of the most painful procedures you can have. It’s not “just feet”.
Anonymous
There is no world in which fentanyl should be prescribed for foot surgery.
And clearly she did not experience pain where that would be necessary if she’s planning to use vicodin and advil this time.
Anonymous
Can anyone define “chronic pain” so that we know what it is (when it is legitimate)?
B/c the pill mills I’ve seen ostensibly are there to help people with it. But you and I know that there are real chronic pain people and those who perhaps are in some sort of addiction-related pain and just need more pills.
anon
……….. you don’t need chronic pain, or “real chronic pain people” to be defined for you. This is a broad term that encompasses pain caused by any number of conditions; asking for a definition is stupid. YOU do not need to know what it is. YOU do not need to know if it is legitimate. That’s what a doctor, who has a relationship with a patient, is for.
Knock it off. Sorry, your attitude really irritates me. My mother has severe chronic pain issues and her ability to access care has been impacted by the response to the opioid crisis. She’s one of those people who is disabled but doesn’t necessarily present that way to the public. It’s none of your freaking business whether she can prove that her pain is legitimate. This is what public health officials and doctors are for. Or the DEA.
Anonymous
You know the expression “depression lies”? Addiction lies more.
Again, no one is talking about legit users. We want to know more so that we can protect our loved ones from going from legit user to addict.
Not an MD but
Chronic pain is generally defined as pain that lasts 3-6 months. But, most of those living with chronic pain (and who are concerned about how prescription limits on opioids will effect their quality of life) will live the rest of their lives with it.
Chronic pain sufferers includes folks with various form of neuropathy, failed back surgery syndrome, fibromyalgia, and spinal disk issues.
Anon
Chronic pain sufferers are those whose significant pain will never go away. It’s not acute, short-term pain from a surgery. It’s debilitating, forever, untreatable kind of pain.
Anonymous
You can’t protect them in that way.
Anon
I’m sorry that this defensive poster is telling you your questions are stupid. Your questions are not stupid. There is a lot of information online, but medically, chronic pain is often defined as pain lasting longer than 12 weeks. This is often the result of a long term injury– a car wreck resulting in spinal injury that may never be fully repaired, for example. There are clinics devoted entirely to pain management that specialize in chronic pain. Another type of chronic pain patients are the elderly, if the spine has begun to degenerate. They can have certain procedures to repair this (kyphoplasty) but may need pain management afterwards.
It is certainly your business as this is an issue the entire nation is facing, and it’s good for everyone to be educated. I’m sorry for the response you’ve received here and hope you will continue to learn about the issue.
anon
I’m not defensive. Um, hello, I’m not taking them. Other people’s medical conditions are not her business and she sounds like a busybody. There’s a hundred different ways that chronic pain can come about and thus you can’t just “tell” whether it’s real or not. It’s a meaningless question.
If she’s really just concerned about family members, which I’ll agree could be her business, then the obvious source of information about whether the alleged chronic pain is “legitimate” is her family members (if they trust her), and their physicians (if she’s authorized to speak with them or their recommendations are shared with her).
Anonforthis
No offense, but between my (multiple) doctors and my husband, I have plenty of people monitoring my MEDICAL CARE and don’t need other family members and friends thinking they get to have an opinion.
Literally the only other family members (beyond my parents) that I’ve discussed this with is a cousin who does end-of-life care/hospice. And I sought out HER advice when *I* was worried about addiction early on in my experience with chronic pain.
Look, I know the opioid epidemic is on the news every night and you’re hearing the nightmares everywhere, but millions of people safely take pain medication every day (btw, prescription fentanyl is different from the fentanyl that laces heroin and makes it deadly, just FYI). But it’s exactly this kind of attitude that leads to people who DO have legitimate pain conditions from feeling like they can discuss it with *anyone* bc the assumption will automatically be that they must be en-route to addiction.
Trust me, dealing openly with a chronic illness, I already get enough amateur medical advice. I don’t also need it regarding the pain plan that I literally (literally) have a contract with my doctor for and whom I see at least once a month if not every other week.
Post-surgical pain management is one of the most basic things narcotics are intended for. It’s great for people who can get through without or grit their teeth and bear it with just Advil or whatever, but that’s not going to be everyone.
Unless the patient is your child or spouse, I’d say it’s none of your business unless you have reason to believe they have an actual problem. And merely needing pain medication is not an actual problem. Sorry, this is one of my biggest frustrations in LIFE and I have almost no one I can talk openly about it with who doesn’t share my condition, bc I know what the reaction will be.
Frozen Peach
This.
chronic pain
THANK YOU. Thank you. I feel like crying every time this comes up.
Anonforthis
Me too. And I am lucky in that I have a doctor who treats my pain. I’ve seen so many people who have the same medical condition I do whose doctors have simply cut them off from pain management altogether and it just seems cruel. Without pain management, I would be permanently disabled. The way people dismiss our legitimate medical needs make me want to scream and cry at the same time.
anon
THIS.
COtoNY
You will not get addicted to opioids due to taking them for a few weeks (for a specific, necessary reason). Advil was right for you, but some people require more pain management and opioids are the only solution– I’m a nurse who takes care of people right after major cardiac/lung surgery. I’m not trying to argue that this never leads to people wanting more and THEN getting addicted, I’m simply saying that they are necessary in certain, controlled situations (and that it isn’t shocking that you received an rx for them).
I’m not trying to discount the opioid crisis– it’s terrible (and I’d also like to read more about it). I just don’t want people to think that there’s never a reason for anyone to take opioids.
Anonymous
+1 Being “too scared” to take a doctor-prescribed controlled medication is ridiculous.
Anonymous
I disagree. The WSJ has had pretty good coverage on this and it was shocking to me how many people started out with a legit Rx for a legit condition. Of those, there is a portion of people who refill the Rx. That is the population where things seem to go south. If you have any addicts in your family, you worry that you have those genes and that your children have those genes. And if the person undergoing surgery has other issues in their lives, we worry that the Rx will make them feel so much better than they have felt, that it may be too enticing.
I’m all for chronic pain people to have their needed meds. But I don’t want any more unintentional victims.
I used to be annoyed at having to show my license to buy sudafed (why? I am not running a meth lab), but the opioid situation is out of control — it brings a ton of crime and social problems to small towns ill equiped to handle either. And grandparents raising grandchildren due to this is also rising at shockingly fast levels.
Anonymous
It’s not ridiculous – the doctors were the ones over-prescribing in the first place (30 days when 3 will do). How do I know now whether I am being given a necessary dose to manage MY pain, vs the doctor just giving me that max amount so I don’t have to come back and check in with him? Doctors are human too – not omnipotent.
Especially when I am specifically told to take my full course of antibiotics – am I not suppose to take my full course of pain pills? And if I’m not supposed to take all my pain pills, what do I do with the leftovers so that they don’t get stolen/abused by someone else.
Anonymous
Ugh. I have some old Oxy from an Rx I filled but didn’t use. Going to my police station tomorrow b/c they have a pill disposal area.
Anonforthis
Take your pain medication when you have pain and no more than prescribed. If you need to dispose of leftovers (don’t use them all just because you have them) you can bring them to prescription return boxes at police stations, city halls, and some pharmacies. I believe there are also some kind of mail return destruction. If you are particularly worried about having your medication taken, you can get a lock box for it very cheaply at most pharmacies.
Your doctor and your pharmacist can provide you all the information you need about this.
And the era of getting a 30 day by-default prescription for most pain medication has largely ended.
Seriously, this entire thread – if you’re worried about people abusing pain medication there is literally so much information out there that you can drown in it. But squinting at everyone who takes prescribed pain medication as a potential addict (or worse, treating them as such) is unfair and also entirely unnecessary.
NYNY
There’s an interesting regulatory angle to the whole epidemic. Doctors, especially in EDs, have long been wary of drug seekers, and tended to limit opiod prescriptions. But in the last 10 years or so, pain management became a quality indicator and part of patient satisfaction surveys used to rank hospitals and physicians. So the guidelines for treating pain changed from tending to deny meds to tending to prescribe (and sometimes overprescribe) meds. Now the pendulum is swinging back, but it’s all about what behavior is incentivized.
Anonymous
You’re oversimplifying. It’s very possible to get addicted to opioids after taking them for a specific, necessary reason when they’ve been prescribed by a medical professional. I had very bad tearing when I gave birth and was prescribed vicodin. The nurses were surprised I didn’t take it but to me the risk of addiction was too great. I would have loved to have taken it because I was in a lot of pain and Tylenol did nothing for me (I’m allergic to Advil so that wasn’t an option) but for me taking opioids is just not something I was willing to do, at least not at that level of pain.
A boyfriend of a Real Housewife just died of an overdose after taking vicodin and Oxy that was legally prescribed after a back surgery. This is a real thing that happens and is becoming increasingly common for people to get addicted after short-term use. It’s not like only people who are out on the streets shooting heroin are addicted to opioids.
Anonymous
+1 – yes – physical dependence (tho, maybe not addiction) can set in within 5 days. At that point you are getting withdrawal symptoms if you stop taking it.
From the Mayo Clinic: https://www.mayoclinic.org/medical-professionals/clinical-updates/trauma/treating-pain-responsibly-in-the-midst-of-an-opioid-epidemic
Physical dependence on an opioid occurs in humans and in lab animals. It happens when a patient has received opioids for approximately five days or more and develops withdrawal symptoms — such as tachycardia, goose flesh, diarrhea or diaphoresis — when the drug is withdrawn.
Anonforthis
You’re also oversimplifying.
Not going to get into a huge argument about it, but looking at the BF of the Real Housewife (whose medical history we know nothing about) is a bit like judging plane flight because of crashes. You hear about the disasters, the disasters make the news, it doesn’t make headlines when “patient responsibly takes pain medication after surgery and is totally fine thereafter”.
Not taking pain medication (or needing pain medication) is not some sort of moral issue, it’s a medical one. Telling patients with legitimate and serious pain that they shouldn’t take drugs that make their lives livable because of a risk of addiction (which, again, comes from more than just narcotics) and because of the *abuses* of illegal users isn’t just oversimplified, it’s downright cruel.
It’s lovely for you that you were able to cope with your post-surgical pain w/o narcotics. Get back to me when you’ve lived with daily pain for almost a decade. Or when you’re on your 10th surgery. Or, heck, when you become a different person who experiences pain differently than you do.
You can choose how you evaluate risk for your own health, but don’t feel like you get to overrule medical advice and other patient’s rights to evaluate risk for THEIR health/life.
Anonymous
Again, we’re not talking about legit users.
For pain with an end date that hasn’t shown itself to be chronic (e.g., post-minor surgery), it is very surprising to me that opioids are a drug of first resort. There is a risk of addition and bad lifetime outcomes that affect a family that are not zero. I can tough out even bad pain if it likely has an end date or trying lesser measures first.
FWIW, the BFF of my BF has lost his house, marriage, children, and 401K to pills. He’s lucky he’s not dead. He was already an alcoholic, so why anyone prescribed him opioids is beyond me. When he couldn’t get refills legally (b/c someone finally challenged his claims of chronic pain), he resorted to heroin or whatever he could get in DC.
Anonymous
Fine after 10 surgeries. But opioids as a first resort after the first? The latter is what we are talking about. How to keep that population from addiction.
Anon 11:53
I’m not saying people shouldn’t take pain meds in certain circumstances – I’m not judging anyone for their personal choices. I’m just saying that addiction is a risk even if you take them as prescribed by a doctor and short term. I am also a little surprised how freely they are prescribed even when the patient can manage the pain without them (eg in my case – I didn’t ask for them, they were just offered to me and I was highly encouraged to take them despite being able to manage my pain without them).
COtoNY said “You will not get addicted to opioids due to taking them for a few weeks (for a specific, necessary reason)” and that is a factually false statement – addiction in these circumstances is very possible. The Real Housewives guy was just one example – I do know of other people (both in the news and friends of friends) that have gotten addicted after short term, legal use and it is well-documented that this is a very real possibility.
COtoNY
I’ll repeat that you wouldn’t have gotten addicted after taking vicodin for a few days, and that your fear was misplaced. I don’t think I am oversimplifying. Neither of your anecdotes were proof that taking opioids in a controlled, specific situation, leads to addiction. Physical dependence is a different thing, but like another user above said, we experience physical dependence on almost any medication we take long-term.
Anon
A few weeks is too long. If you look at the statistics being on opioids for just a week is strongly associated with still being on them a year later. You should absolutely try to manage your pain in other ways before resorting to opioids.
The medical community is now aware enough that they tend to only give three days worth, but many oral surgeons are still giving 30 days worth after wisdom tooth extraction. Which is predominantly to teens. What a disaster.
Anonymous
THIS
I have a child undergoing dental surgery on Friday and this scares the tar out of me.
Maybe it is the lawyer in me, but I think that too many patients/parents just comply. 30 days prescribed by rote is shocking to me.
K
Yep. I got my wisdom teeth taken out a couple months ago and was very surprised that they gave me 30 days worth. At first I just needed ibuprofen but then I got a dry socked and needed to take Vicodin for a couple of days. And wisdom tooth pain is only supposed to be bad for like a week. 30 days is absolutely unnecessary.
busybee
Your concern is not misplaced. JAMA just published a study–teenagers who used opioids after wisdom tooth surgery were more likely to have later problems with dependence and addiction.
What did people used to do after wisdom tooth extraction? They just kind of suffered for a few days. Yeah, no one likes being in pain but there is a real risk of addiction with such powerful drugs. I’ve seen SO. MANY. PEOPLE. spiral into heroin use after being prescribed opioids. I’m a prosecutor.
Anonymous
I think it’s that in medicine, you make $ by doing procedures. You lose a lot of $ to managed care contracts and medicaid reimbursements being low and by write-offs. So you don’t really have time for primary care and patient counseling; there is no $ in it. Easier to write an Rx and expect medicated people in pain to read the fine print (which they won’t get until after the procedure) and follow it to a T. [And no one really wants to go back to a doctor — if you’re on pain meds, you can’t drive, so you need someone to probably take half a day off of work to drive you — no one has time for that.]
Can you bill for non-Rx pain management and patient counseling?
The system almost seems designed to encourage this giant mess we’re in now.
BigLaw Sr Assoc
30 days for wisdom teeth?! I took some Advil for 2 days and was back to normal. I get some people have complications, but having 30 days of an opiate be the norm seems nuts.
I am also shocked that general anesthesia seems to be the for wisdom teeth extraction.
mascot
I found it to be a bit of slog to get through, but the book “Dreamland” is about the rise of opioids and the corresponding rise of heroin use. “Dopesick” also look specifically at Purdue Pharma and its development and marketing of oxycontin.
E
+1 to dreamland
Senior Attorney
Yes, Dreamland is amazing.
east coaster
The author did a great interview on Marc Maron’s WTF podcast which covers a lot of what’s in the book, for anyone who’d rather listen to a shorter version than read the full thing. Sam Quinones. I think it was a year or two ago.
Anonymous
Agree with both of these recommendations. I haven’t had a chance to read either one, but have had both recommended to me by people I trust. A judge was very impressed with Dreamland and I think one of the authors presented at a federal judicial conference.
Rainbow Hair
I read the first half of Chasing the Scream and liked it. (Then my daughter was born and I got to parts about the violence of the drug wars and I just couldn’t stomach it while holding my newborn so IDK how the second half is.)
Anon
Given how widespread the opioid epidemic has become, I’m not surprised to see there are at least a couple of very defensive users responding to you. I’d be surprised if there weren’t, given the numbers.
Dreamland is an excellent book. I highly recommend it. I know one of the researchers profiled and I’m really proud of what they have accomplished, in the face of GREAT resistance from the pharma industry, to the point of trying to get them fired.
Senior Attorney
One of the things I loved about Dreamland is how it showed some dedicated civil servants putting the pieces together and sounding the alarm about this issue. It really demonstrates that there are some things that you just can’t outsource to private industry.
Monday
+1 million. Strongly recommend the book.
Anonymous
Does anyone remember the Super Bowl that started with a couple of ads in the first quarter for a med for opioid-induced constipation? I know how expensive those slots are and if the companies making meds for that are buying first-quarter Super Bowl ads, there are a shi*tton of opioid users out there (never mind what % of them may wish they had never taken that first pill).
I feel like that opened the window to there being so much about this that I don’t know.
Anon
I mean, I do get that people get defensive when they suffer from chronic pain. My family member did and still does. However, his addiction terrified the rest of us, greatly impacted his ability to work normally, and was preventable – if only his doctor hadn’t constantly refilled his 30-day prescription after surgery, no questions asked. There need to be processes and checks built into the prescription process so chronic pain medications are only prescribed for very limited periods and refills aren’t easy. I get that this will cause problems for a minority of patients, but the costs of inaction are far too great and it should still be possible to have easier processes in place for end-stage cancer patients and others who truly cannot make it through the day without hardcore opioids.
Anonymous
I am just floored by 30 days of opioids prescribed to teens. From what I’ve read in real newspapers (WA Post, WSJ), if you are on opioids for 30 days, you’ll likely get hooked. So much preventable harm.
COtoNY
lol WOW. I am the nurse from above (and don’t take any opioids) but “I’m not surprised there are at least a couple of very defensive users” is just so offensive/wrong. Opioids are necessary (and literally the only thing that will work) for some people, and for you to imply that anyone defending their use of them because they’re addicts is horrible.
anon
Seriously. This is the societal attitude that makes me afraid for my dad (who has undiagnosed neuropathy and literally weeps in his sleep every night). Narcotics are the only thing that have given him any relief. Without them – well, I don’t think he would still be here.
OP anon
(Whoops to clarify – my dad has been diagnosed, sort of, with what is “probably neuropathy,” but specialists are mostly uncertain what and where, precisely, is causing his pain.)
Anon
Why isn’t he taking gabapentin though? Why opioids for nerve pain? They’re the wrong drug for that.
OP anon
To respond to comment below, he does take gabapentin too. It’s something more than neuropathy, either genetic or muscular, they don’t know exactly what. Sigh. It’s a terrible mystery. We’re trying to get him to Mayo next.
Anonymous
But we’re trying to talk about addicts (many of whom started out as prescription users not intending to become addicts or to ever, ever resort to heroin when their next Rx refill was denied), not the people who are actually using these meds for medically-appropriate reasons.
If we were talking about alcoholics, we wouldn’t want to be getting flamed by people who are responsible social drinkers.
Anonymous
This.
anon
So here’s the thing. Whether someone is legit v. addicted extremely fact-specific. There’s not going to be an answer you can apply to the population at large. Unless you’re really familiar with a patient and his or her condition, and the available treatments, you just cannot know. That’s why this conversation is so unhelpful and misguided. If you want to talk about reducing addiction on a population level, you need to be discussing things like alternate ways to reduce pain; prescribing patterns, how they are influenced and how to change them; reasons that people become and stay addicted; factors that take a person from someone using them to get over surgery to someone who is addicted; how people can be supported when they are attempting to quit using opiods…. not how you can identify whether each individual using them is “legit” or not. It’s just not helpful. That’s why you’re getting “flamed.” (Except that you’re not.)
Anonymous
I would love to have a nurse’s perspective on this: Why are opioids invariably the first and only option offered? In the hospital after I delivered my baby, I turned down percocet but was never offered Advil or even an ice pack. Other times, I have asked about legitimate, reasonable alternatives to systemic opioids (e.g., a local anesthetic catheter device after surgery, ear drops for a severe ear infection) and have been summarily dismissed as some kind of crazy anti-drug crusader. Why won’t doctors take the time to discuss the options and try out non-opioid solutions, especially when specifically requested by the patient?
Anonymous
Yep. My experience after giving birth was that they were practically forcing me to take opioids. “Oh honey take it, it will make everything much better!” And my scrip (which was given automatically) was for 30 days, which is way longer than pain lasts with most vaginal deliveries. I’m not judging anyone who has chronic pain and needs these meds but I can’t think of any description for this except over-prescription.
Anonymous
This.
Medical schools need better training in pain management without opoids.
Opoids should only be able to be prescribed by doctors who are specialized in chronic pain management. They are not appropriate for routine things like childbirth recovery or wisdom teeth removal.
anon
Not a nurse, but my understanding is that one of the heads of this monster is that we’ve placed a huge emphasis on measuring pain as a vital sign and pain reduction/control as part of treatment. And chasing that goal sometimes leads to any means necessary and skipping steps. As recently as 2017, hospital reimbursements could be negatively affected by patient surveys that asked about pain management which perhaps incentivized over-prescribing practices. (CMS finally rolled that one back last year) Why wouldn’t you jump straight to the newest, greatest thing, especially when you’ve been told that it’s not going to be addictive (which was how so much of this started with oxy)? The tide is turning, but its not there yet.
Anon
This is so true. The problem is 30-day scripts for opioids when NO OTHER alternative is being explored, not even ibuprofen. I know that doctors now have to meet quality standards for pain management, but the most hardcore drugs are not the only way to manage pain! When it comes to lower back pain, something a ton of people (including me) will suffer from at some point during their life, exercise and strengthening exercises are more effective at relieving pain than drugs, but you would never know it from the way my doctor practically forced me to fill a prescription for opioids (which I did not take because there is no evidence it will provide a long-term solution for my back pain).
Walnut
THIS. The pain meds pushed and pushed and pushed on me after both c-sections was eye opening. I asked for something more basic and the nurses acted like I was nuts. After 2-3 days of motrin only, the hospital pharmacy pushed to fill opiods for me upon discharge. I talked them down to just writing prescriptions that I could fill on my own later “in case I needed it.”
COtoNY
(I’m the nurse) To be honest, I have no experience in labor and delivery and I see your point about being offered something less strong. The patients I work with almost always need opioids (at least during the first few days after surgery) because their pain is on a whole different level. I agree that for less painful situations/procedures, NSAIDs/tylenol/gabapentin should be offered as an alternative– though if someone needs an opioid on a very short-term basis, even for a minor situation, it shouldn’t be frowned upon. Unfortunately, I think whether alternatives are offered is dependent on the culture of the hospital, on the provider, and on the individual nurse.
Everyone perceives pain differently and that’s why this is such a difficult issue. I don’t know what the answer is for differentiating between someone with intense chronic pain who legitimately benefits from opioids, and someone who’s become addicted. I just really dislike some of the judgment from people on this thread implying that ALL opioids are bad ALL the time.
Rainbow Hair
Word. The whole subtext of this thread, with everyone trying to sniff out the “bad” users is just gross.
I am close with doctors who hate how it’s become hard to prescribe opioids to patients who need them; with chronic pain sufferers who now get to deal with stigma on top of their pain; and yeap, with a recovered heroin addict who — you’ll be shocked to hear — was not helped by the criminalization/stigmatization of drug use.
Let’s not forget that everyone yall are talking about is a real person deserving of kindness.
Anonymous
No one is saying that people who need pain meds shouldn’t have them.
We’re trying to talk about ways to prevent a different population from becoming addicted to pain meds (which are then withdrawn, leading to self-medicating with whatever can be found, and often robbing or worse to feed the habit). Other than by not using these meds (or certainly not as a first resort), lay people like me don’t have anything but real news sites’ horror stories and Dr. Google to go by (except maybe for Dreamland, where I am 100 in line for my city library’s 30 copies; the reviews on Amazon were eye-opening).
Anonymous
“prevent a different population from becoming addicted to pain meds…”
I thought we were discussing how to prevent all kinds of people from getting addicted to pain meds that are systematically overprescribed without adequate informed consent discussions, not just “a different population.”
Anonymous
@ Anon 1:37
Not sure but I read Anon 1:21 to mean ‘a different population’ as in ‘those who are not currently using opoids whether appropriately or inappropriately’. As in, clearly opoids have a role but there needs to be a discussion about how to prevent overprescription such that people who do not need them can be given other appropriate pain management medication by doctors and opoids can be used for people who specifically need opoids.
Reports of opoids being routinely prescribed for childbirth recovery or dental surgery makes it clear that overprescription is happening and it needs to be addressed.
Anon
Right, what exactly is “a different population”? The dog whistle is deafening there.
Anonymous
I think the gist is “how can we help non-chronic pain patients avoid opiates given the risks and over-prescribing that seems to occur” to wit, the teen wisdom tooth patient, the v-delivery of a baby, etc.
No doctor who ever prescribed me opioids ever mentioned anything about addiction or only taking the minimum. Ever. I have never been a chronic pain patient but have had: a sinus infection (then the warning was: don’t drive), a D&C, ear surgery, another D&C, and something else I forgot. That doesn’t seem right. I’m not a doctor, so I don’t know what is right. So I’m starting with Dreamland — thanks for the recommendation for that.
Anonymous
People trust their doctors too much. Whatever happened to First do not harm?
These addicts started out as patients of doctors that they trusted. Didn’t they deserve better initially? It seems that they’ve had the run pulled out from under them by a system they trusted.
Maybe being a lawyer makes me inherently distrustful when things seem shifty, but the opioid prescribing that I’ve seen in my family (not a one of whom has terminal cancer or chronic pain or similar conditions) is shameful.
Anonymous
I think the gist of this thread is actually that doctors are overprescribing opioids. There are certainly people who need these drugs but not every single person who has given birth/had wisdom teeth removed/had a minor surgery should be given them right off the bat. At least in my experience, there’s no screening from the medical community as to whether you really need these drugs. And no education about the addictive properties, or that additicion can easily happen within an initial 30 day prescription timetable.
Anon
Everything Anonymous at 1:59 said.
If you’re using opioids long term you’re probably addicted and that’s your deal. Whatever. Glad it’s working for you.
But that doesn’t mean that the information shouldn’t be out there, because these drugs are clearly, clearly killing a lot of people, and profit motives are clearly at the root of the epidemic. So if having more information publicly available makes it harder for you to get your refill, I think that is a worthy trade off intended to benefit society at large.
anon
“I’m not surprised to see there are at least a couple of very defensive users responding to you.”
Hahah, what a subtle way of accusing people of being addicts. Sure, that’s the only reason that OP’s getting any moderately challenging comments. Are you the same person that accuses us all of being alcoholics if we say we should be “allowed” to have one sip of champagne while pregnant?
Anon
Not at all. I’m someone whose professional life intersects with the opioid epidemic and is dealing with the skyrocketing number of opioid deaths. Deaths. We’re not taking about mommy needing a glass of wine here.
anon
Cool. You still accused a lot of us of being addicts, which is ridiculous and lame. (PS- I understand what Deaths are and what drinking wine is. The point of my post appears to have gone over your head.)
Anon
The meaning of the word “defensive” appears to have gone over yours.
anon
Gotta say, my posts are posting so fast! It’s amazing! Not sure if Kat did anything new but this is great.
Anon
Absolutely nothing has changed for me. Every post I make still goes into moderation. I try to remember to put an email address, but it’s hard to remember to do that for every comment. And it doesn’t seem to help at all. Super frustrating.
Cat
Same.
Senior Attorney
Yup. So disappointing. Even with email address.
Anon
This dress looks great on the plus size model. She’s about my size and shape so I might give it a try. Nice pick, Kat! Thanks.
jeans
Looking for FAVORITE jeans recommendation. I tried on DL 1961 and Frame this week and love them–anyone know how they wear?
I need jeans that I can wear every single day for a new job…transitioning from business/business casual to totally casual.
Delta Dawn
I have a pair of DL 1961s from seven years ago that still look great. I think they wear well!
Ariadne
I’d like to buy one or two current fashion items for my outfit rotation for the fall. I’m happy with my clothes now, but just want to inject a fresh spark. Can be pants, dresses, skirts, or sweaters. What would you buy to refresh your fall wardrobe?
Ms B
Alas, the dress only goes up to a size L in petite. I believe that lines that offer items in petite sizes but stop the run at 12 to 14 petite (basically a 10 to 12 regular) should be shamed. Short people run in larger sizes too!!