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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Love the look of this knit skirt from Brooks Brothers's Black Fleece line. I wish we could see the buttons down the back, but only because I tend to like details like that. It was $400, and is now marked to $160 (limited sizes only). Double-Knit Bird's-Eye Pencil SkirtSales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
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- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
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- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
SeaElle
I feel like this is a perfect representation of office appropriate with a little feminine touch. No bows, no ruffles, yet still distinctively softer. Nice choice for today and great sale!
Emily I
I like this one, too. However, in addition to the “buttons down the back,” the description says there is grossgrain on the back placket. It seems crazy to have these details on the back and not show a picture of them. Could be too much going on back there, but one can’t tell!
Bonnie
It is odd that they wouldn’t show a picture of all the detail.
Kathryn Fenner
I wonder if the buttons down the back would get annoying on your skeleton as the day wore on. I know I hate tie backs for that reason, inter alia….
lola
A little too “annie” for me…
another anon
What’s up with the weird sizing? Why make people go through the extra step of clicking on the size chart?
Looking for a new camera
Threadjack – I’ve been searching for a new digital camera and can’t decide which one to buy. The one I currently have is a Canon PowerShot 7.1. My main complaint with it is that it has a long (2-3 second) delay and sometimes it misses the moment I want to capture.
What cameras do you have and do they have zero delay time? I’m also looking for a slim camera that I can slip into even my smallest clutch when going out. Thanks in advance and looking forward to your suggestions!!!
Reader
Here’s a link to a recent Lifehacker series on digital photography. It starts with camera features. Always read the comments.
http://lifehacker.com/5815742/basics-of-photography-the-complete-guide
Jess
Ha! I am looking for the exact same camera! Looking forward to some ideas.
J
I have a Panasonic Lumix and it also has a longish delay, so avoid that. Otherwise, though, I am happy with the Lumix.
Nonny
I love my Lumix and haven’t noticed a problem with delay….maybe it is just on specific settings? I get really great photos with my Lumix and I particularly love the good zoom.
However, my Lumix is about 4 years old now and isn’t small enough to fit in the smallest clutch as you require….could be that the new ones are smaller?
CN
Love my Lumix, too. It’s not super small because it does have a zoom lens. Totally worth it in my opinion- gorgeous pictures- especially on the wide lens setting. Haven’t noticed a delay.
anon
check out the canon s95 — it has manual controls as well as automatic settings. you need to learn to use manual settings to deal with the “delay” you’re experiencing — that comes from the shutter speed & on automatic it may be slower than you’d like. it’s hard to fix that problem with a point & shoot; if you really want to “click the moment” you need an SLR.
Reader
http://www.bestinclass.com/digital-cameras
AK
Agreed with anon 12:41 — so long as you’re shooting with a point-and-shoot where you can’t set every setting yourself (ISO, shutter speed, aperture), you’re going to get *some* delay, though some may be better than others.
Charlotte
I’ve heard that delays can be at least partially attributed to the size and/or quality of the memory card used with the camera. Has anyone else heard that?
anon
unlikely — it really has to do w/ the mechanics of the camera & “speed” is connected to shutter speed & apeture & ability of the camera to focus quickly, which depends on your lens. pocket cameras/point & shoots are trying to get a lot of these mechanics in a small machine, and it’s hard to do. the best way to compensate is to get a pocket camera w/ manual settings or learn to use the pre-sets other than “automatic” — a lot of pocket cameras have a “sports” feature that will pre-set some of the faster manual settings to help compensate.
(btw -i’m a corporette by day, but pro photographer on the weekends/evenings — i recommended the Canon s95 – it’s what I take with me when I don’t want to lug the SLR around & it works great for low light, shutter speed/apeture can be manipulated & focus is fast)
Reader
It’s a handsome skirt, but despite the name Brooks Bros gave it, I wouldn’t call that a “pencil skirt.” It flares. A pencil skirt has a narrow hem and looks like, um, a pencil.
I also am curious about the buttons down the back. Could that be the reason for the big price slash?
Bunkster
Totally agree with you. That’s not pencil. It’s A-line or something.
Road Warriorette
That was my first thought also. That doesn’t remind me of a pencil in any way! It’s lovely though.
somewhere(less)cold
Agreed on both the non-pencil-ness and the mystery back as the potential cause for the drop in price.
MissJackson
Agree. Not a pencil skirt, and I’m suspicious of the back detailing.
Anon in DC
I just need to rant for a minute …
The past few days I’ve seen a number of women on the street wearing what may have looked like appropriate clothing from the front (pencil skirt, dress) but was completely inappropriate from the back. I’ve stopped counting how many women are wearing pencil skirts that go to the knee in the back but which have a slit so high I can see their underwear when they walk.
Today I saw a woman wearing a “breezy” white dress which was a bit see through. It didn’t help that she was wearing a dark bra and thong, but everyone could see that as she was walking past.
I almost want to stop these women and say something (the white dress woman had a jacket on her hand, that might’ve helped), but I have so far held back. I’m sure I’ve done things like this in the past and never noticed (and sometimes noticed too late that say, my pants were way too tight or shirt was gaping) but I’ve seen so many of these lately it makes me think that designers do this on purpose!!
Monday
I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt and assume it was a mistake. I will also say that basically all of my pencil skirts have torn up the back, beginning with the slit. In other words, the slit started off appropriate but by the end of a commute one morning, it was ripped much higher. Very humiliating, and who knows what strangers thought who saw me walking like that? You couldn’t necessarily tell that it wasn’t intentional. At this point I reinforce the seams on all of my skirts’ slits before I even wear them.
Anon in DC
Sadly, these skirts had a high slit by design. I think they may all be the same skirt even! And I’m not sure how you don’t notice your bum is getting a lot of air/sun when you walk!
Argie
Is it possible that the skirt was cut so restrictively (a whole other issue) that the slit needed to be that high in order to be able to walk in it without taking tiny steps. The fact that the skirt is SO restrictive is ridiculous, but at least its a functional issue rather a purely stylistic choice.
Reader
In New York a couple of weekends ago I saw a woman wearing see-through white pants. It was amazing. Now it was the weekend and the setting was casual, but it was a park, not a beach, and she was clearly wearing her underwear, not her swimsuit underneath.
For a nanosecond I considered saying something, but there’s no way she couldn’t have been aware of it.
J
She may not have been aware of it – they might not be see through in the light in her apartment, but become see through in the sunlight.
Reader
Not in this case. :-) They were one step above sheer white gauze. Besides, she had two friends walking with her in broad daylight. But they were guys, so maybe they liked the show.
Alternative explanation: All three were blind.
Helen G
I saw these peeple to! Wow!
Argie
All I have to say on the dark underwear is that the (old) advice I’ve heard about wearing white is that you should wear black underneath, rather than white because white stands out more under white. I do believe that the current advice is that you should do flesh toned underwear under white. It is also possible that the black might have been unnoticeable under the lights at home, but there was something about the way the light hit when you saw her that revealed more than intended…
momentsofabsurdity
Also depends on your skin tone – as a nonwhite woman, believe me, white under white is going to stand out a hell of a lot more than black under white (which is usually invisible if the white is thick enough). I assume if your skin is paler, the opposite would be true.
2L Fashionista
The best thing to wear under white is actually grey, (light or dark depending on your skintone). It’s virtually invisible under white. The next best would be a nude that matches your skintone or is a shade darker.
Anon
Depends on the situation. I once was walking in a dress that has an appropriate slit when I’m an appropriate weight…nothing in my closet fit, I thought it was fine, and a woman told me the slit was way too high. Ok, yes, I was super embarrassed, but was thankful someone had told me and did my best to sit as much as I could that day and when I walked, yanked the dress down as much as I could. Then I didn’t wear the dress again until I lost weight.
Alanna of Trebond
I’m not sure if you’re seeing this in a work setting — but sheer clothes with visible underthings is definitely a chic thing right now in terms of casual style. I think it is best done with brightly colored bras and tanks under sheer tops. Obviously inappropriate in a work setting.
Betty White
I’ve been seeing this a ton lately, too! I don’t know that I’d say anything because I just don’t have the guts to, but honestly, I think the real problem is that people aren’t looking at their clothes critically before leaving the house. Sometimes it’s a lighting issue, which is hard to gauge under home lighting, but sometimes it’s just that people think that certain items MUST be office appropriate because they are SOLD as office appropriate. The best example being the pencil skirt with the huge slit.
Another thing I saw a lot of in the winter? Women in leggings that they surely thought were opaque that may have been in the calf area but definitely were not when the material was stretched in the behind area. I walked behind a woman on the subway stairs and could see her bare butt and thong! It was waaaay too much to see!
It happens to all of us on occasion but it’s often solved by looking at outfits from different angles and in different lights.
Reader
At least she was wearing a thong.
Reader
I tend to stay away from wrap skirts, even ones that are clearly office-appropriate because they’re just too stressful. The one nice one I had was made of rayon crepe, was lined, had two buttons to support the ties and it still made me nervous. The ties kept coming undone.
Dasha
Unless you see these women in a strictly professional/business environment why would you care what they wear? I saw a woman on a corner of 18th and I street yesterday wearing a gorgeous light chiffon dress which was completely see-through with a light tunic underneath. Appropriate for a law firm? Definitely not, but in many other offices it would be just fine. And even in a professional environment, unless you are their boss, I think you would come off as prude pointing out something about dress attire to a complete stranger. Unless it’s an obvious rip or a glaring hole, I would keep my judgment to myself.
MelD
I agree. You have no idea where these women are going or whether the outfit in question is appropriate for the ultimate destination. For all you know, the woman in question could be going somewhere to meet up with friends, or she may work somewhere that expects her to wear that sort of outfit.
Bonnie
There is no appropriate ultimate destination where you can show your underwear. Maybe some redlight districts. Seriously if I walked out of the house and did not know that I was flashing everyone, I would like someone to tell me.
J
I think it’s usually obvious whether the display of underwear is intentional (as in your case). A pencil skirt riding up to display one’s panties is never intentional. I saw a woman in a short dress walking up a Metro escaltor – her backpack had pulled up the dress, and her underwear was on full display to everyone below her. If she’d just stood still it would have been fine. People behind her were pointing and laughing but no one alerted her. I would have told her, but I was on a different escalator and would have had to shout, which would clearly have made things worse.
anon
*shuddering*
No Drama Momma
Oooh, love this! More than half off and in my size! I think this might be fate…
Ladybug
Thoughts on representing a friend in an uncontested divorce with no children involved? They have seperate finances. Only issue is an underwater house and two dogs. They plan to sell the house and haven’t decided what they are doing with the dogs yet except they know one or the other will take them and neither cares which one does. There is also, of course, the usual personal property.
So far I have just sent her links to resources and am basically guiding her through doing it herself. She is leaving him, irreconcilable differences.
I know we always caution on here not to represent close friends or family. Is this one of those open and shut no brainers? If it becomes contested would I have to bow out because we are good friends? Thoughts?
GovtMom
IMO — it would depend on both of your personalities and your relationship. Also, are you friends with the husband? My concern would be the impacts on your friendship if anything were to go south — late payments, disagreements on how to proceed, etc. Some of this could be addressed in a retainer but it would still make me nervous.
SF Bay Associate
Bad idea. A divorce is never a no-brainer. If it is truly uncontested, then they can jointly hire a divorce mediator who will help them work through separating their assets at a very reasonable cost. Help them find one. But divorces can go sideways quickly and you already identified two potential sources for that: the underwater house and two dogs. What if the house doesn’t sell quickly or for enough money for one of them? Or they both realize they really want to keep xyz chair/book/blanket/curio? They say it’s uncontested now, but one careless, thoughtless comment by one of the tired, stressed, soon-t0-be ex-spouses to the other also tired and stressed ex-spouse and the whole thing blows sky high. Think of how much time and stress this could cost you. You absolutely do not want to get involved in this beyond linking your friend to high quality, fair-minded attorneys and mediators.
K
@SF Bay Associate: This. Exactly this.
Anon101
I’m torn about this, because I also occasionally send links to resources to friends and wonder how far to go with it.
The rational side of me would say there are TONS of lawyers who do this kind of stuff as well as TONS of online materials about how to do it yourself, so you don’t really need to represent her in that its not a specialized area of law that requires your background. Plus, you never know when a simple legal problem becomes a nightmare. Send her a good referral or two and then back off.
The emotional side of me would say that she’s your friend, going through a rough time, and is looking for help. That is hard to say no to.
I guess some other things to consider:
-How much time do you want to spend on this?
-How much time do you think it will take?
-Do you have enough free time to commit to doing it well?
-Are you ok with not getting paid for it?
-Will you prioritize her case more because she’s your friend?
-If something goes horribly wrong, are you ok fixing it? Possibly being reported to the bar? Losing your friendship? Other consequences?
No answers, just more questions!
Maine Associate
As a divorce lawyer myself, I would advise you to assist your friend in finding a divorce attorney. Such cases can get sticky quickly. If you do not practice divorce, there can easily be something that is missed that may cause headaches in the future. You do not want to put yourself in that very uncomfortable situation. I may be biased, but there is never such thing as an easy divorce. You will be much more help as her emotional support.
Ladybug
Agreed. I needed to clear my conscience that it is okay and better to refer her out. I’ve only been practicing a few years and just recently started adding family law to my practice. Don’t worry, I’m taking classes and getting guidance from others. None the less, this is a situation where I think I’d have to pass on actually representing her. There is a chance she may end up living with me for awhile and it could get too murky too quick.
Thanks for backing me that it is okay to pass! I’ll find her someone qualified and reasonably priced should she choose to get representation. I shared with her what I have so I did my part there.
J
I think it’s a usually bad idea because if it ends up that she doesn’t get what she wants, she may blame you. However, without knowing your friend, I can’t make a judgment – if she normally takes bad news well and is laid back about disappointment then it might be fine. I would add that divorce is rarely simple, even if it seems simple at first. Disagreements tend to pop up.
Amy H.
If you do not usually practice family law, I would recommend against representing your friend; there are just so many potential pitfalls. To take just one example — if either spouse has a 401(k) that might be allocated in whole or in part to the other, they will need a Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO) to accomplish that.
Anonymous
This collection only goes up to a size 10?
Oh Brooks Brothers, way to take the sheen off my “finally fitting a size 12!” weight loss…
mondette
amen.
Ses
Well… Congrats on the weight loss :) I’m sending sheeny vibes your way.
Sophia
I find that Brooks Brothers tends to run big for me. I usually size down from my Banana Republic or Ann Taylor size – you might be closer than you think!
momentsofabsurdity
For those who are interested/like Lands End Canvas wear, today’s Living Social (in Boston, at least, but I’m sure you can buy it from anywhere) is $30 for $60 of LE Canvas merchandise. Just thought I’d pass on the deal!
Makeup Junkie
Thank you! I have some stuff in my cart!
Bunkster
Heh. I bought that as soon as it popped up.
coco
me too. i was waiting to see this on comments. what are you getting?
Makeup Junkie
I googled for coupon codes and got PARENTSA11, pin 8355 for free shipping and an additional $10 off
I do love bargains!
DC Kolchitongi
I’m sure this question has been asked before, but can anyone recommend a brand of fitted skirts that works for women who have big booties relative to their waists? My waist and hips are 12 inches apart (26/38) rather than the standard 10 inches, and no skirt/pair of pants/dress in the world fits me right off the rack. I do take skirts to the tailors if they’re high-quality and otherwise fit well, but I can’t afford to do that with everything. Do other “curvy” girls have any good advice?
MelD
Classiques and Nanette Lepore work well, and Antonio Melani is hit or miss for me. Some are perfect, but others are too wide in the waist when the hips are ample enough.
Louise
This is my shape, too. I wish I could recommend a particular brand, but I have to try everything on. For a while, Jones NY pants and skirts fit my shape, but that was about 5 years ago and they’ve changed the fit since then.
I feel your frustration! At least I can say after all these years that I’ve gotten really good at rejecting items just by looking at them on the hanger.
DC Kolchitongi
Ha, me too. The skirt in this post, for instance. It’s lovely, but not even worth my time to click on the link!
Funny story: I just got back from a trip to Seoul to see the in-laws. The standard difference between waist and hips there appears to be more like 6-8 inches… as I learned when I tried on a pair of 26-inch jeans and couldn’t even get them up past my thighs. And then I asked my sister in law for the next size up, only to be told that 26 inches is the LARGEST size they stock. If you ever have a reason to travel to Asia, bring backup pants!
SF Bay Associate
Lol @ DC K – that happened to me too. I’m a US 2/4, but several of the department stores in Japan and Singapore didn’t carry my size at all. The department stores that did… the shop girls took one look at me, looked at each other, and then sent me to the “plus size” section, where I could barely squeeze into the largest size they carried. I have several pieces from Japan that I need to get altered larger so I can wear them again. A friend of mine was sent to Korea for a couple years work – she’s a US 12/14 and literally could not buy clothes at any store.
Em
I wonder what larger natives of those countries do. I mean, I know people are generally smaller, but it’s not like there are NO Korean women over a size 6 or 8. Do they have to shop only on-line or get everything tailored?
Ladybug
What I was in Singapore they called plus size “US sizes.” Made me laugh. Oh, and I was a size 6/8 US and hardly fit into the “US sizes” they sold. I’m wearing one of my blazers from there today. The sleeves are shorter than 3/4 and it is totally “shrunken” in the waist. Everyone thinks it is supposed to look like that. I believe there it was sold as a “regular” blazer. LOL.
Bunkster
My aunt lives in Paris. I’m not sure what size she is, but I’d guess a 12/14 petite. She can’t find any clothes.
She’s renting a house on the Cape for the month of August and says it’s so nice to feel normal-sized in this country.
MelD
South Korea tends to have bigger clothes (if you know where to look) than Japan does. I know my friends who wore size 8-12 were able to buy clothes in Seoul, but in Japan, anything over about a 4-6 and you’ll only be able to shop at Uniqlo, Gap, Muji and a few other stores with an international presence.
Bonnie
I lived in Europe for a while after college. I will always remember my first shopping experience. I walked into a store and the saleslady looked me over before saying that they had nothing in my size. I was maybe a size 8.
lostintranslation
@Em
I’m half-asian and partially grew up in one of the mega cities in the Far East. I’m slimmer than all of my Asian cousins relative to my frame, but I think it’s a question of scaling. I.e. my cousins all have a generally petite frame, so if I were to magically transport them to an Ann Taylor, they really might “only” be a size 6 or something. Also, stores that cater to older/suburban/rural clientele have more generously sized but pretty dowdy asian clothing. In the high fashion areas of Tokyo/Seoul/HK/Shanghai is pretty much “let me look in the back to see if we have a size 4 for you”.
The women in those cities definitely are thin, but they put a lot of work into it and there is a LOT of peer pressure. Example: I went to an all girl’s school, where there was no weight related bullying, but the abstract number of 50kg was like “if you weigh more, you must just fall through the Earth and come out the other side.” This abstract theory makes no mention whatsoever of height, so even though 50kg is a BMI of under 17,5 for me, I still spent most of my early teenhood feeling really crappy about myself.
kng
i was in paris a few springs ago and tumbled on the most wonderful little dress shop, run by the danish designer/dress maker–she lived in the shop and everything was tailored by her. everything was fit anf flair in silk jersey and fabulous colors and patterns. i was dying to take a dress home, but nearly every dress was a size “small” and fit everywhere but stretched unattractively over my bum. the designer/dress maker sweetly had me size up to a large and i bought one of the few dresses that was actually available in such a large size– and i’m a 0/2 in the US. sigh.
AN
THIS is why I shop online. Size 8/10 living in Singapore and no way can I buy jeans here.
S in Chicago
Afraid I don’t have a brand suggestion, but I would recommend looking for styles that hit above the natural waist. With pants, I’ve found that by choosing a longer inseam (but being very careful not to wade into Mom-jean territory), I’m often able to solve the problem of too much gaping.
found a peanut
I have a butt that sticks out of everything and I can recommend classmate entire (nordstrom’s in-house line) and dkny. And buying stuff a size big and tailoring. And getting over it and realizing that your butt is just going to stick out and you will never look as perfect as your flat-tushed counterparts. I am still working on that last one.
There was also a post on dressing if you have a curvy body, so you can probably search for that.
found a peanut
That should be classiques, not classmate. Stupid autocorrect.
J
I hate my flat tush and think curvy butts look perfect! 10 years of yoga and mine still just barely has a slant to it, no curves. Sigh.
Mo
Surprisingly, I almost always have luck with J. Crew skirts, even the pencil skirts. I usually order up a size to accommodate my derriere, and then wear the skirt a little lower on my waist to eliminate gapping. I can’t wear their minis, though – they might be decent in the front, but aren’t nearly long enough to cover all the real estate in the back!
kng
i have the same problem with the same sizing. i have to get nearly ever skirt i buy tailored in at the waist. the only solution i’ve come up with is sticking to dresses instead of skirts (there’s less problem with waist sizing there). i’ve also noticed that some brands are a bit more generously cut in the hip/thigh area that tends to help (brooks brothers is more generous than j.crew).
lostintranslation
The blogger Petite Asian Girl (who’s on here sometimes) wrote about getting a high-quality skirt from a consignment store and having that tailored, which resulted in a tailored, high quality, but still relatively inexpensive skirt. I thought that was a really good idea. Also, I would just look at high-end consignment stores period. I’ve found mores stuff there cut for an hourglass figure, and depending on the rest of the outfit it doesn’t have to look exaggeratedly retro.
J
If I recall correctly, Brooks Brothers and Nordstrom both provide complimentary tailoring, so maybe you could shop at those stores?
Chini
Nordstrom offers complimentary tailoring on only a few types of items/alterations. Taking in skirt waists is not one of them — I paid $21 to have the waist taken in on a $60 Halogen pencil skirt. Two different seamstresses worked on it. Neither was able to get the skirt to conform to my proportions (small waist / massive butt / non-existent hips). Customer Service let me return the skirt after lecturing me about making sure a particular style would work for me before I buy, because they’re not supposed to accept returns on items that have been altered…but they wouldn’t refund the alteration fee.
DC Kolchitongi
Thanks everyone for the recommendations! Also it’s nice to hear that I’m not the only one who gets frustrated by such things. :)
@lostintranslation Sounds like you have an interesting life story. Can I ask you for advice in a few years, when we send our half-Asian babies off to Seoul for their first summer living with Korean Grandma??
Chini
I don’t really have any brand recs because all the major stores have been hit or miss for me. Right now I’m loving J. Crew’s cuts, but I can go entire years there without finding anything there that fits. Most “curvy” lines at Ann Taylor, BR, etc. look dowdy on me — I think they’re cut with curvy = hips in mind. I have an extreme waist/hip ratio, but it’s ALL in the booty — my actual hips are fairly narrow. “Curvy” cuts leave pockets of billowing fabric on the sides.
AnonForNow
Can anyone recommend any resources or support groups for dealing with a spouse’s on-going depression? He’s in treatment and on meds, but it’s been a year and I’m worn down. I’ve tried looking on the NAMI website but did not have much luck. Although I am seeing a therapist, it’s not enough — she’s not really there on the realities of day-to-day life with him, and instead keeps talking on improving things for the long term. Long-term is great, but I have a disaster on my hands day-to-day. I’m in DC.
JE
I’m in a similar situation. My husband has had long-term low-level depression that flared up about 8 months ago into a more serious depressive episode. He’s on meds, we’re both in counseling, and things are slowly, slowly getting a little better. However, it’s been a serious strain on me, too. I’ve had my own depressive issues under control for years, but recently I’ve started having symptoms again because of the issues with my spouse. It’s hard to focus on me, though, given the “realities of day-to-day life with him” as you put it.
I don’t know of any good resources, and I’m hopeful someone can give us both some guidance. In the meantime, know that you are not alone!
Noner
Sounds like you might need a new therapist. Have you told this one that you’re looking for advice/help on the day to day realities? If she’s not listening to you, then it might be time to try something new. After all, if you can’t get through the day to day, the long term advice isn’t going to help much.
J
Are you familiar with http://www.familyaware.org/?
J
Also try: http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=support_supportgroups
Awful Lawful
It’s so nice to know that someone else is going through this, too. Not that I am glad you are suffering, but it’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Like JE, my husband has been dealing with chronic depressive symptoms for a long time. Recently it’s gotten a lot worse. He lost his job several months ago and feels terribly about himself, but can’t seem to do anything about it. I have to constantly encourage him to do what he needs to do. I also am dealing with incredible work stress as I am still a fairly new attorney and was recently promoted. Sometimes it just feels like more than I can handle trying to hold everything together at work and on the home front, too.
I don’t have any recommendations (but I’d like to!), but I just wanted to offer some empathy and let you know you’re not alone.
Hugs!
You Might Try
You might try a local meeting of Al-Anon or Co-Dependents Anonymous (codaDOTorg).
I went to one meeting once when my then boyfriend/now fiance was having terrible difficulties with his former wife. Although his issues were with another person (not depression), I suspect the effect it had on his life was similar — inability to work or eat or sleep or enjoy anything or make plans (for tomorrow or next year). We actually went together, and we both think of it as a turning point in his and our recovery.
I also second the previous poster who said it might be time for a new therapist for YOU.
AnonForNow
Thank you — I am going to try one more time to be very, very clear with the therapist on the problems of day-to-day life. Thing is, the therapist also sees him so she sees both sides and IMO, gets a better perspective. And he *will not* change therapists.
I’ve put my very anon email address into this comment, if any of you in a similar circumstance would like to talk offline.
JE
I’m not tech savvy. How do I find your email address ?
AnonForNow
ARGH — it did not show up. bubblebathgurl at gmail.com
Barrister in the Bayou
Threadjack! I found a website through an article called mybodygallery dot com. where you can plug your height, weight and clothing sizes to look at how other women with similar measurements look. It was created because a lot of women have a distorted sense of what they look like; so they wanted to create a place where a woman can get a more accurate/objective picture.
I wanted to get the “hive’s” perspective on this… Helpful? Harmful? Or just plain silly?
anon
My 22 year-old sister was sent a link to this website a few days ago from a friend who said, “this will combat body dysmorphic disorder and show what real bodies look like!” It’s had the totally opposite effect. She was obsessed for a couple days, constantly scrolling through pictures and asking me which ones look like her body, to determine “what she actually looks like”. (I’ve been mostly refusing to answer since I don’t want to encourage, as she already has the “my thighs are SOOO BIG/my stomach is SOOOO bloated” syndrome going on, when she is extremely slim and I’ve actually been concerned about her eating a bit this summer.)
I think it could be helpful (real women are all sizes, shapes, etc), but is mostly silly and potentially harmful.
Lucy
Kind of interesting. I’m not sure it serves the purpose of giving me a better sense of how *I* look, since people’s body shapes are all really different. But a fun project.
K
As someone who struggled with an eating disorder in her teens, and still has a slightly distorted view of her body years later, I’ve visited that site and found that it wasn’t very helpful. There was such a wide range of body types, even within my height & weight range, that it just left me even more confused about what I may “really” look like.
Totally anon
I find it incredibly helpful for my eating-disordered self – and I posted my pic on there.
Em
I think helpfulness depends on the person, but I’m glad things like this exist to give us all a better sense of how different body shapes and sizes are even with similar “numbers”. Also interesting is the “BMI Project” showing people in different BMI categories (will come up on google; not linking for moderation purposes).
Em
Oh, but what I don’t like (though I understand why its done for anonymity purposes) is that most of the pictures are headless. That encourages a kind of dehumanized way of looking at individual body parts instead of seeing the whole person in context, which I think is more useful.
Totally anon
Actually, though, one of the techniques recommended for women with body issues is to crop out their heads from photos. The thinking is that when you see your face, you automatically know it’s you and start criticizing and finding fault with all the things you’ve programmed yourself not to like. If you don’t include your face, you’re able to look at the photo of yourself more objectively as you would look at a stranger’s photo.
I understand that the reason why mybodygallery allows headless pics is for anonymity, though.
Anon for this
I can’t speak for that site, but I did experience a similar site that was very helpful to me. This site was pictures of women’s breasts- faces cropped out with no identifiers. I obsess over my small breasts and am very hard on myself about them, but after seeing so many women with such different shapes and sizes, it actually really helped me come to terms with it.
Also anon
I loved that site. I had always been convinced that my breast were fairly saggy, but after looking at that site I realised that they’re not at all, it’s just that I’m not used to seeing unaltered large breasts in media. There’s a similar site for men with pictures of penises, I believe.
Anon
I wonder about these sites. I can’t look for them at work, but are they primarily US-based/american sites? I wonder whether, in countries where nudity is more prevalent (less edited in films, topless beaches, communal hammams/banyas/saunas, etc) people automatically know what real bodies look like and don’t need websites to reassure them that not everyone is a perky 34C and 110lbs?
Plain Silly
I’m 5’2″ and a bit over 100 pounds. I looked at the women in my range and I look almost husky. I’m not kidding. It’s a matter of how one’s weight is distributed and at my height and weight I obviously can do little-to-nothing about it.
Barrister in the Bayou
I went to the site and plugged my info in out of curiosity and I got 1 photo, and although I clicked on “pear shaped” the person that popped up was clearly an “apple”. But I played with it a bit and saw that most of the women in my range looked “normal” in the sense that they don’t look overweight at all (I used quotations because I know there’s no such thing as normal, I’m using it as “normal” for what the guidelines say a person in my height/weight range is supposed to be). I’ve always seen myself as a little more curvy/overweight.
I guess I’m just going to try to take this as an opportunity to not be so hard on myself about my body image issues.
Ashley
I can see how it would be helpful to some, but it made me feel uncomfortable. Seeing that many other women my size have smaller thighs and larger breasts sort of reinforced how self-conscious I feel about those areas. As a pear shape, I’ve always felt disproportionate. I wish I had a smaller lower body to match my torso, or vice versa. But that’s not in the cards. When my thighs are the “ideal” size for my frame, my shoulders look positively emaciated. So, I’ve learned to deal and accept it for the most part, but in my more vulnerable moments, it still bugs me. It’s hard to admit that you have hangups with your body. Aren’t 30-something women supposed to be over it already, particularly if they’re at a “normal” weight? :(
agnostic anon
Have I got a great article for you. :-)
Ed Koch, the former mayor of New York, and a very feisty, arrogant guy (although I always liked him), has written a book with his sister on the need for kids to eat right and exercise. He never forgot the bullying, the mockery and the self-consciousness he felt as a boy because of his weight.
He’s 86.
Try to deal with it. Don’t expect to get over it. That’s a MYTH.
http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/08/09/from-koch-a-childs-tale-of-health-and-self-acceptance/#preview
Ashley
Love it and saving it. Thanks!
Dieting
Thanks for posting this. It is very useful although there is not many much in my size.
Louise
I found the site useful. I like that many of the photos are of women in their bathing suits or underwear, so that careful styling of the clothes doesn’t mask their real shapes. I know I turn my most critical eye on myself before I get dressed, so some perspective on other real bodies is helpful.
North Shore
Thankful for the years I spent on various sports teams, swim teams, etc. I spent so much time in the shared showers and locker rooms, as well as in sports requiring leotards and swimsuits, that all the mystery was taken out of other people’s shapes. It’s surprising to hear women say they don’t know what other women’s bodies look like. Or maybe open showers are a thing of the past in today’s locker rooms.
Anon
Book Recommendation:
A Thoughtful Dresser by Linda Grant
I think some of the ideas/topics explored in the book will resonate with the people who read this blog.
I’m not sure if there’s ever been a book club component to this blog, but if so, this book would be a great choice.
lefty lawyer
I second this recommendation.
Plain Silly
I used to like the blog the author kept while writing the book.
Marriage
Yesterday someone asked about the legal benefits of marriage. I just ran across another.
You can’t sue for emotional distress damages or loss of consortium for injuries to a bf/gf. In most states you can sue if the injured person is your spouse.
For example – you witness your bf get hit by a drunk driver. No recourse. You witness your husband get hit by a drunk driver – emotional distress action, loss of consortium, etc.
anon
This information that was definitely not mentioned yesterday. And I have deep sympathies for anyone who, as in this example, witnesses their loved one get hit by a drunk driver.
That having been said, I just think our country is far too litigious. And aside from the boon to the insurance and legal professions, I wonder if the net benefits to the rest of society actually outweigh the costs.
I do not mean offense to any corporette lawyers/insurance reps out there. Just a humble opinion.
Divaliscious11
It’s true we may be the most litigious, but we also have the most rights and freedoms, most of which were obtained by having the right to sue to right a wrong……
agnostic anon
Exactly. Law is our national religion. :-)
Also
I also neglected to mention yesterday that if you are not married, you do not get the benefit of either the marital communications privilege or the marital testifying privilege. I hope to never need either one, and I certainly wouldn’t make a decision based on this, but it’s out there.
Anon
There was a Law & Order where (I believe) a teacher married her underage student so that he wouldn’t have to testify against her for having sex with him. So if you or your boyfriend ever commits a crime, just run to city hall and then you can discuss away!
(said in jest, of course, though it probably would work)
Awful Lawful
However, the privilege only applies to communications between the parties DURING the marriage! So, if you commit a crime and tell your partner about it, make sure you’re married first!
;)
Anon
Of course! Of course, you run into problems if your partner doesn’t quite “get” that you have to rush to City Hall because you just killed someone…
There may be some kinks to work out.
Anonymous
Nope, you’re thinking of marital communications privilege. There’s a separate spousal privilege, where a spouse can’t be forced to testify against their current spouse in a criminal case on ANY subject. New York, however, doesn’t recognize this.
NY bar, what!
Marriage
And now I’ll balance that off with a consequence of marriage. Your spouse’s income gets considered when dealing with medicare/caid. So if one of you ends up in a coma in nursing care the other has to lose all their assets before the spouse can qualify for aid. I have given my husband permission to divorce me on paper in that situation so he can continue living not in poverty and I can get the care that I need that not even a millionare could afford out of pocket.
Nevadan
“Marriage”, you don’t have it quite right. The law is much more liberal than that.
Hollis
Threadjack – I’m looking for some simple ball earrings for everyday/work wear. They range in sizes from 2 mm through 8 mm and up. What size do you have and/or recommend? I’m thinking 4 or 5 or 6 mm, but don’t own anything for comparison purposes. Thanks.
Pearls
Think of them in the same terms as measuring pearls. The “standard” size for plain, white, round pearl earrings is about 7 or 7 1/2 mm. I personally think 8 or 8 1/2 is nicer. Anything over 9 starts looking matronly to my eye.
For reference, I am very petite with small features, and I still prefer 8 or 8 1/2 for my face for pearl earrings.
ADL
I bought a cheap set of silver plated balls – 3 different sizes from overstock.com. I personally love the bigger ones (maybe even 10 mm) but if you purchase different sizes, you can see how they look on you and what you are comfortable with.
anon-oh-no
Tiffany makes a couple pairs of these. They are not crazy expensive and i wear mine all the time.
Awful Lawful
Second this. I probably wear my Tiffanys set 3x a week. I love them for work, but am also a fan of big jewelry. So this is my professional compromise!
AT
I have the 8mm silver ball posts from Banana Republic which are available online (and similar ones, same size, from Brooks Brothers outlet) and I love them and wear them almost every day. They’re not fine jewelry, but I think they look very nice, and I don’t think they’re too large.
Here is the link:
http://bananarepublic.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=33431&vid=1&pid=180737
For what it’s worth, I buy probably a pair a year (wear and tear, loss, etc., and I keep a spare pair in my make-up bag), but I always wait until there’s a big sale or I have a 40% off coupon that applies to jewelry and there’s nothing else I want to buy.
ProfessionGal
Oooohhhh…buttons down the back? I always love surprises like that. I also like to believe that the more detailed your clothes are, the more detailed people will think you are with your work. :)
Plain Silly
Execution is everything. The devil is in the details. It’s telling that the back is not shown.
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