Weekend Open Thread

324 Comments

1. Semi-regular poster, but I’m going anonymous for this topic. I’m seeking advice from the hive on how to handle a neighbor issue. I live in an apartment in a large city, and my upstairs neighbors are an older man – I think he’s in his mid-70’s – and his early teenaged autistic son. The boy has violent fits pretty regularly, where he yells, jumps up and down, or bangs on walls and radiator pipes. DH and I have been living in this building (renters) for 2 years, and the incidents seem to be increasing in both frequency and intensity lately.

   This is obviously inconvenient and frustrating to us, as the incidents often happen in the middle of the night and wake us. I’ve tried dealing with the father directly, and he apologizes for the disruptions, but he has little power to control them. We have reported this to our landlord, but I’m not sure he can do much.

   Here’s my question: I am growing concerned that the father cannot handle caring for his son. After these incidents, I have seen bruises and bandages on the father, who has confirmed that the injuries come from trying to restrain his son. I’m going back and forth about reporting possible parental neglect to state or city authorities. On the one hand, I don’t want this decision to made out of frustration or be motivated by revenge in any way. On the other hand, I’m truly concerned that the child is a danger to himself, his father, and possibly others.

   What would you smart people do?

   1. Oh, that is a tough one. Can you contact a Mental Services agency or nonprofit of some kind for guidance? I am not sure police would be able to help in this situation and you may just make the situation worse.

      1. I’ll look into that – it’s a thought. The kid takes a short bus to school, so he must be in the system already in some way. I’m not sure how this all works, and I don’t want to make their lives more difficult. But still, I don’t feel comfortable listening to it escalate…

   2. I would see what elder services are available in the area for your neighbor, and perhaps they could get him looped into other services. Also, your parental neglect and short bus comments really rub me the wrong way.

      1. Yes, I must say when I read “short bus” I really cringed. I think it’s nice that you want to help but I also would examine where you are coming from with your motivation. Not trying to imply anything from an internet comment, but sometimes we react to things in ways that are not warranted based on our own preconceptions. Before you get involved in this matter, make sure you’re coming from the right place.

         1. I read it like he literally took a short bus to school, not like she was using the phrase as it’s commonly used.

      2. I was posting quickly and didn’t choose my words carefully. I live in a large city with good public transportation, so the only kids who take a traditional yellow school bus are either going to a private school that contracts with a bus company or are special needs kids in public school who are picked up in front of their buildings in a literal short bus. This boy takes the latter. I didn’t mean to be insensitive, and I’m sorry I offended.

         As for the neglect comment, my concern is that the father is not capable of caring for his son as the son’s tantrums become more violent, and the son could injure him badly and no one would know for some time. Also, the father once told my husband that the boy’s mother, who lives separately and only has visitation rights, gives him more medication than he (the father) feels is appropriate. So we know that the boy’s meds are inconsistent, which I think falls under neglect or maltreatment in some way. But I use the term “neglect” to differentiate from “abuse.” I don’t think the boy is being abused, but I think that they need some type of intervention or assistance that they aren’t getting now.

         And other times, I think that maybe it’s none of my business. I really am turning to you all for advice or resources here.

         1. Operator error! My response to Anon Neighbor ended up farther down the page.

   3. I think you have to strongly consider whether you can get involved in useful way when you know so little about the situation. You know that the kid has been diagnosed with a developmental disorder, that he’s (presumably) in a special school program, and that he has outbursts and that he has a father who’s staying up nights trying to manage the outbursts. That doesn’t sound like parental neglect to me, quite the opposite.

      What you don’t know is what medical or behavioral treatment plans they have been trying, what’s worked or not, what services they’re tapped into already or what they need, what else might be going on that may be precipitating his outbursts lately, etc. There also just may not be treatments that work or services that are available to him, and so he might be making the best he can already of a difficult situation. Realize that lots of parents of children with medical issues get unsolicited advice all the time, and while it may be well intentioned it’s almost always not helpful. You just don’t know what’s going in their lives and your “help” feels like judgement.

      It’s quite likely that your neighbor could use a lot more social support to deal with the situation than he has, but unless you’re willing to offer that, I think that the best thing that you can do to be supportive is to deal with the frustration about the noise on your end and not burden him with it. Your neighbor clearly has enough to deal with without having to worry about inconveniencing you (or worse, having you call the landlord/cops/social services on him).

   4. Google “I am Adam Lanza’s Mother” for a perspective on what the father may be going through. To be honest, it sounds like the father is doing the best he can. Heartbreaking and wrong as it is, there probably aren’t any additional resources out there that would become available to him if you made a report. Even if child services decided he was an unfit parent, there’s not exactly a surplus of foster families ready to take in a violent autistic child. I second the suggestion that you avoid burdening the father with your complaints about the noise, as he’s got enough to worry about.

      1. I’d move.

      2. Move. And send your kids to a different school.

2. Warning: this is really long haha

   This past weekend my boyfriend went on a trip with a few of our mutual friends and two people that I really don’t like, we’ll call them A and B. A is a guy that is my ex-best friend. Our relationship was really complicated (tried dating, when that didn’t work out we became friends with benefits) and it ended on a really bad note. B was a good friend of mine that went behind my back and started dating A. Needless to say I cut the two of them out of my life but we have many mutual friends.

   When my boyfriend and his friend were planning this trip he invited A and B over me because A was there when they were talking about planning the trip. I expressed that I was uncomfortable with this and he assured me that he and his friends would do their own thing and A and B would do their own thing. I find out later that they all spent the whole weekend together.

   Do I have a right to be mad at my boyfriend for going on the trip with them?

   1. Hmm. This seems odd to me. I dont know if mad is the right word, but I can tell you that no one I ever dated seriously would want to spend the weekend hanging out with my exes. How serious is your relationship? It sounds like you already broached the issue, but I would consider just saying something like, “Hey this might seem silly to you, but it’s been bothering me. You spent an entire weekend with someone I had a falling out with and it was someone I used to be involved with to boot. I am glad it didn’t make you uncomfortable but it makes me feel a bit weird. Can we just talk about it for a minute?” See what he says.

      1. Yea I’m definitely planning on talking about it with him…I just wasn’t sure if I was being irrational for being uncomfortable about the situation. All of us involved used to be mutual friends/roommates which makes the situation messier. And my boyfriend and I have been dating for two years so I would say it’s a serious relationship.

3. I’ve really been wanting a rose gold watch, and my husband bought me a Michael Kors one this weekend at Nordstrom, as a surprise. It is beautiful, but there is a ring of very small rhinestones around the face of it. Does this mean I can’t wear it to work? (I’m a litigation associate at a big NY firm.) the times I really would want it would be for depositions, interviewing summer candidates, etc – when I might want to check the time without looking at my blackberry. The watch was a few hundred dollars, and it just seems like too much for a piece I will only wear on weekends (if the rhinestones rule it out for office wear).

   1. Personally, I think a chunky rose gold watch is blingy enough without the rhinestones. Not sure which one you got, but the ones I see online don’t look too subtle to me. Obviously, you can wear it to work – other people do. But I would consider exchanging it for one sans rhinestones. Tell hubby you love it, but don’t want to be so fashionable at work and trade it for a plain rose gold model. I think most people really want you to love their gift and it means a little tweaking, they won’t mind if the end result makes you happy.

   2. The ones I saw on a quick google search look totally fine for work to me.

   3. I am a partner at a biglaw NY firm; unless the rhinestones are really blingy, and it doesn’t sound like they are, it’s fine.

4. Panic/vent.

   My mom has MS (well, actually a variant of MS, but close enough). We do not live in the same city. She is single and lives alone. She is on steroids, and her doctor has recently begun to lower her doses of that.

   This morning, my uncle woke up to several emails from her that worried him to the point that he headed over to her apartment. When he arrived, she wasn’t answering her phone/the buzzer. So he called the super, who went up to check on her and found that she had piled all her clothing in the middle of the living room floor and tried to set it on fire. Also, she was wandering the building barely dressed, telling anyone who she saw (possibly knocking on doors?) that she wasn’t crazy, no one was hurt, and she was trying to commit suicide. Cops obviously attended, took her to hospital, where was was found to be essentially in a psychotic state. She is now sedated and on a 72-hour hold to determine whether or not she can be released without being a risk to herself or others. She seemed fine, though slightly manic, on Thursday when both my uncle and I spoke to her. Her neuropsychiatrist (who hasn’t seen her yet, but who I spoke to on the phone) thinks it’s possible the weaning off the steroids left her depressed, and maybe she took extra doses and flipped out. But we don’t know yet.

   I don’t know wtf I am going to do. We don’t know yet if they are going to charge her with arson (which, THANKS STEPHEN HARPER, is no longer eligible for house arrest rather than jail). I don’t know – but sincerely hope – whether they will hold her in the hospital past the 72 hours. If it was just a medication issue, I suppose that once she is stabilized, she can perhaps be released and even go back home to live, though I’d hope that there would be better support for her put into place, because I’m pretty concerned about her continuing to live alone. In the long term though, this situation is untenable. But if I try to get her to move to the city I live in, I will be her *only* source of support/help. None of her friends live here (and she is relatively social), she only knows us. I can’t afford to move to her city, and both Professor Bhaer and I are just starting our careers and can’t really just uproot to a new jurisdiction. I’m kind of freaking.right.out.

   1. Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry. Thank goodness she was unsuccessful and that she is currently in the hospital getting the help she needs right now. This must be just completely overwhelming, but try to focus on 1 step at a time. Hopefully they can figure out what caused this event, and if it was a medication issue that they can get it fixed.

      Can you speak with her doctors -once they figure out what happened and have a course decided on how to fix it -about what the best next steps are? Perhaps your uncle could be involved in the conversation as well.

      I know the immediate reaction is to jump ahead to all of the possibilities of her moving, you moving, etc. hopefully none of that will be necessary, but its probably hard to know that for now. Please be good to yourself right now and try to only focus on one thing at a time. And vent here as much as you need to. I bet many people here have been through similar circumstances and can offer additional advice.

   2. Calm down. You need to be able to think straight.
      What part of the country are you in and is she in (Big City or tiny town)?
      Does she have CCAC or similar looking in on her or is she in assisted housing? The hospital may be able to put you in touch with the right agency.
      Also, do you have a signed power of attorney? If not get one, now. It makes dealing with hospitals easier.

   3. @ Jo March

      Yikes. Sympathy. It is not easy to help an out-of-town family member in crisis (hopefully short-term, but potential middle- or long-term). However, in the last decade or two an industry has developed to help people trying to take care of loved ones in another city.

      Between not knowing anything else re your mom’s circumstances and resources and not being a professional social worker I can only ask a few questions and make general suggestions.

      – Can you arrange for home health care and/or a social worker (geriatric or not, depending on your mom’s age) to be the local case manager?
      – ****The hospital should have a social worker on staff. Cultivate this person. Also, in my admittedly secondhand experience, hospitals won’t release someone unless the person is able to go to a an appropriate situation but YMMV—it’s a jungle out there in the world of health care.
      – Can you ask one of your mom’s friends for advice re local resources?
      – Is your uncle in a position to give moral or logistical support, or provide information re local resources?
      – Is there an “aging in place village” organization in your mom’s neighborhood?

      Other organizations that might help:
      — local (city, county, or state) department of aging/dept. of human services
      — privately run social service agencies such as Catholic Charities or Jewish Family Services (agency names may vary from city to city; there may be a sliding fee scale based on ability to pay; most Jewish agencies will serve Jews and non-Jews alike)
      — web sites for two national organizations: the National Multiple Sclerosis Society, (www dot nationalmssociety dot org) and possibly NAMI (Nat’l Alliance on Mental Illness, www dot name dot org); both organizations have local chapters for which you can search on the national web page.

      I also want to second the need to draw up careful, precise documents clearly establishing medical and financial power of attorney (doesn’t have to be the same person) and advance directives for medical care. It’s not that you want to move in on your mom’s life, but if these things are not spelled out you can get gridlocked in can’t-make-decisions limbo.

      Hopefully your mom is not going to resist your efforts to make her life more comfortable and less unhappy…If that arises, I hope that you, your uncle, chosen social worker, or mom’s friend will be able to convince her to accept assistance.

      I’m writing quickly before turning to other tasks so apologies if anything seems too hasty or dismissive!

   4. I went through a similar experience when my mom made multiple suicide attempts and had a series of holds followed by a release. It took many episodes before she was properly evaluated and it turned out she had an undiagnosed mental illness that was contributing to a more and more frequent manic state.

      Ask to meet with the hospital’s social worker assigned to your mom’s case and do your best to fill him or her in with all the details. It’s very difficult to hold someone involuntarily after the 72 hours, but if you can communicate the severity of the issue and your concerns, they can help refer you to longer term care. It also depends how receptive your mom is to getting help.

      Sending lots of tea and hugs your way. Seeing one’s parent in such a state is hard. You are doing her such a service by being concerned for her health.

   5. Everything is still unknown and up in the air at this point. They just started the psych eval, and they’re going to hold her for a couple of days because her blood sugar is all wonky. I’ve contacted both the ER and the regular social workers. But really I can’t even try to plan anything until we know something about what caused the breakdown. (Both my uncle and I spoke to her last week, and while she seemed a little manic, it was nothing particularly concerning).

      Thanks for the suggestions, once we are actually moving forward I will be checking back on this post for sure.

      I <3 this place.

5. @ Anon Neighbor
   I think that N. and Jenna Rink make several good points: that you don’t know the full present situation, or the history and effectiveness of past efforts by the family; that the father might indeed “be making the best he can already of a difficult situation;” and that your most supportive option might be to offer the father social or logistical support. Say hi in the hallway, or tap on his door to introduce yourselves. When you’re going to the store, ask if he needs anything. Offer to carry his trash or recycling, or to move his laundry into the dryer, or to bring it back to his unit. (Re the noise: Get earplugs or a white noise machine? Or move out, but still stay in touch?) Calling in the authorities would probably only introduce more disorder and disruption. How many foster families would be sufficiently trained and skilled to handle this child without causing more suffering–and would key information re the child’s current routine, meds, schooling, etc. be successfully transmitted?

   That said, as a special needs parent myself I do appreciate your concern: “I don’t think the boy is being abused, but I think that they need some type of intervention or assistance that they aren’t getting now.” If there are organizations in your area that help parents of children in special education, you could try to contact such groups to ask what would be most helpful for you to do. Many of the national organizations that serve people with autism, developmental or emotional disabilities, mental illness, etc. have local (county, regional, state) chapters. Perhaps you could join a listserv for special ed parents and ask your question there—without revealing any information that would out your upstairs neighbors.

   It might be that the best thing is to get to know your neighbors via quick informal chats or offers of assistance (see above) until you know them well enough to better understand their situation and resources. By that time they would know you also…you’d be real people to each other, not just the family upstairs or downstairs.

   I would love to share summaries of your question and my answer with my own local listserv for special ed parents: “Fellow parents, what would you want from a concerned (caring, but not judgmental) neighbor?” However, I won’t do this unless you say OK. If you want to exchange more information, you can reach me at Silvercurls 18 dot gmail dot com.

   1. Argh. I clicked “reply” under Anon Neighbor’s message but my response ended up here instead.

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