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I'm headed to my hometown this weekend for Easter celebrations with my family — and while we never get that dressed up for Easter, I always feel like a dress like this would be spot-on appropriate. Love the bold graphics, the flared skirt, and — mais oui — that bright blue. It's $890 at Net-a-Porter. Oscar de la Renta Printed Stretch Cotton-Blend Dress
P.S. Whether you're celebrating Easter, Passover, or Weekend, may everyone have a restful, peaceful one!
(L-2)
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
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MB
Happy weekend. I like this dress in concept, but the skirt looks odd on the model. Too full or starts flaring a bit too early or something.
I’ve been drooling over fun dresses at Athropologie. And, they’re having a 20% off dresses sale. I’m trying to resist, but there’s so many bright, colorful dresses.
AIMS
I’m giving in to temptation and going to buy something summery there this weekend. To rationalize it, I am returning a skirt I got from them that I never wore and that is still sitting in the anthro shopping bag 1.5 mos. later (they have the best return policy). I love their dresses – so multipurpose.
MB
They do have the best dresses. I am currently loving:
The Rosamund Midi Dress
The Mari Pencil Dress (could work for work with a blazer?)
The Swirled Paisley Halter Dress
The Ribboned Quilotoa Dress (too young for me in real life, probably).
What are you eyeing?
I do love their return policy.
AIMS
Ooh, I like those. The Mari one could definitely work with a blazer. It’s very pretty and I love how they paired it with yellow shoes. I think it could look great with red or bright purple shoes, too.
I have my eye on a few dresses but the one I think I’m going to get is the Chessia navy and white dress – I tried it on in-store a few weeks ago and it was very flattering and could work for casual summer days at the office as well as on so many other occasions. It’s not very often that I get to say this, but it looked much better on me the model – really great for an hourglass figure. Oh, and, best part, it has pockets!
(http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/product/shopdress-viewall/26448902.jsp)
I also really like the Hi There by Karen Walker dresses they have but I wish they weren’t polyester. I need more than 20% off to buy that.
AIMS
Oh, and if anyone’s looking for easy summer dresses, I got this one from Old Navy and it’s very cute on (looks much more substantial than $15 in person) – they only have XL and XXL online, but the store I went to had a bigger selection.
http://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=93345&vid=1&pid=387521012#close
a.
Ooh, really like the dress from Anthro!
Bonnie
Good to know AIMS. I ordered that ON dress yesterday in tall, hoping that the waist will be a little lower.
MB
I love the Chessia dress!
AIMS
I should clarify about the ON dress – I got the black and white stripe (it’s $15 in store). Didn’t see the blue stripe. Did try on the solid purple and it was a wee bit too clingy. Not sure what was different but I didn’t love the solid but I think having a pattern helped. They had a bunch of other cute ones, too. Including a blue paisley that was very forgiving and fun (though you will need a camisole if you’re on the busty side).
Seriously, you guys, I cannot wait for summer! Also, really glad you like the Anthro dress – I’ve been obsessed with it for 3 weeks now.
Equity's Darling
Have any Canadian ladies ordered from Anthro? I know they ship to Canada, but I don’t know their deal with duties/returns from Canada – particularly since I find their dresses are either very flattering on me, or make me look like a lump, so I’d be annoyed if I have to pay duties of 20% or something, and then also have to pay returns and don’t get my duties back.
I usually stop in at their stores when I’m home in Toronto, but, unfortunately, my city doesn’t have an anthro and I’m on a dress hunt, so I’d like to take advantage of their sale online, but I’m wary.
Anonymous
If I recall you are located in Calgary. There is an Anthropologie located at Chinook Centre.
Equity's Darling
Yeah- I realized that today after a walk with a friend- I live in the inner city and don’t have a car, so I pretty much do all my shopping in the core/along 17th. Our shopping mission was a success, two dresses acquired. My wallet will be unhappy that I found out about both anthro and scotch & soda, and I will be spending a lot more time at the zoo that is chinook. And once the J.Crew opens in June, well…lets just say it’s a good thing chinook is out of the way for me.
Equity's Darling
Oh, and for anyone curious, I picked up the Hibiscus Bloom Shirtdress (which is actually really flattering, shockingly, though I’m on the fence about keeping it, just because it’s maybe a little bright for my closet? undecided), and the Lefkara Lace Dress, which I adore and really fits my style, so will be staying in my closet. Both are mid-thigh on me, but I’m 5’2, so if you’re taller, I could see them being a little short for some people’s tastes.
Also, the store didn’t have nearly as much selection as online though, which was disappointing because some of the dresses I had been eyeing just weren’t there.
Rural Juror
Might be a bit late, but for Canadian ladies who don’t have an anthro in their city – ordering online is not great. I’ve only done it twice and I’ve been hit with duties both times. Once I ordered a sale shirt and necklace (total under $100) and the duties were $40. Maybe I still would have ordered it at those prices but I hate the surprise and never knowing how much it’s going to be. Also you owe the duties on delivery so the receptionist at my wo has to call me to come meet the mailman to pay the duties… Annoying.
Clearly Speaking
Agree that the waist and yoke is awkward. And the placement of the white parts is a little odd. That said, I would love some yardage of this fabric to do a restyling with.
Akris
I have on an Akris cashmere cardigan today. The quality is amazing. 6-ply, maybe? It also does not ever seem to wrinkle.
Thank you, whomever donated this to the thrift shop! I was lucky to pick it up (and did so largely b/c how the brand is raved about here and in the WSJ).
I am curious about stalking some Akris items on e-bay. Has anyone worn any of their items? Does it run large or small? [I might have bought a larger size in what I’m wearing, but I always err on the roomy side.]
Anonymous
Late in responding to this, but I have a number of items from the Akris Punto (less expensive) line and for me, they run true-to-size. I wear size 4 on top, 6 on the bottom, and generally buy those sizes in Akris. I agree that the fabric quality and tailoring are unmatched. They make the clothes in Switzerland. If I could afford it, I’d own more!
ITDS
TJ – does anyone have a rewards credit card they like? I have been using a plain vanilla Chase card for years, but am beginning to wonder if I should get a Capital One Venture Card or something, and actually get a reward for my spending. For the record, I pay off the card entirely every month, so I’m don’t really care about the interest rate.
ITDS
ugh – I don’t care, not I’m!
Susie
I have a citi cashback card – 1-3% back depending on the purchase. I also have an Amazon card that I get Amazon credit for, I could get a check as well but for Amazon credit it doesn’t have to be used in increments of $50 and I shop there all the time anyways. I was going to get a CapOne card just for my trip to Europe because they don’t have a foreign transaction fee, but then my husband pointed out my old ING account is now CapOne and I can just get a debit card. The dept store cards don’t give cash back but have good discounts so something to consider if there is a place you shop often.
roses
FYI, it makes more sense to use your card for Amazon purchases rather than your Amazon points. Purchases from Amazon get 3x points, and the return in cash vs. points is the same, so you’re better off collecting the triple points and redeeming in cash than not getting the 3x for your Amazon purchases.
LH
Is your Amazon card Chase? If so, you can redeem for cash/statement credit at any time, you don’t have to do it in $50 intervals. I think this is a fairly recent change.
Susie
Good to know, thanks! Got this one a few years back when I was ordering textbooks, just because it was something like $50 off if I signed up. As a poor college student buying very expensive textbooks it was too good to pass up!
LH
I did the same :)
I'm Just Me
I have a Chase rewards card. It has 1% cash back (or you can buy various gift cards) on everything and every quarter there is 5% back on a rotating round of places (i.e., June will be 5% back on hotels, airlines, & amusement parks).
No annual fee.
Since you already have a Chase card, you may be able to upgrade just by calling and asking.
Gail the Goldfish
I have a Chase Freedom that’s 1% cash back on everything, plus 5% on certain categories each quarter, plus I think an extra bonus per transaction, maybe?. I pay for everything with the card (I pay it off every month, so don’t care about the interest rate, too) and it adds up reasonably quickly. I also have a Citi card (blanking on the name) that’s 5% back on restaurants, movie theaters, and amazon (and a couple of other categories) that I use solely for items in those categories. If you pay it off every month, it definitely makes sense to get a rewards card in my opinion.
Gary the Grouper
Chase Freedom gives 1% cash back on all transactions, with 5% on rotating categories every quarter (that you have to sign up for every quarter, but that’s easy). If you have a Chase checking account, you get an additional 0.1% plus ten cents on each transaction (for a total of 1.1% plus ten cents per swipe–this also assumes they still offer this bonus and we haven’t been grandfathered in). One point = one cent cash back.
Citi Forward gives 1% on all transactions, but most notably gives 5% all the time at restaurants (including fast food and many bars), movie theaters, music stores, and bookstores. This means you get 5% on all transactions on Amazon, even if you don’t buy books. You also get 100 points every month that you pay your bill on time. BUT, you only get 1 point = 1 cent with Citi for certain rewards transactions–others will discount your points, most notably cash back. Most importantly, you can redeem your points for full value for student loan rebate checks, with the smallest denomination being equal to $25.
Both of these cards offer bonuses for certain online transactions purchased through their chosen vendors, but those are kind of hit or miss as to whether you’ll actually get the credit through the system and I’ve had to contact customer service a few times to actually get them to give the credit, though I only do this for big purchases.
There is no annual fee for either of these cards.
Other cards I’ve considered recently but haven’t gotten are Fidelity’s 2% back card (where the money goes to a Fidelity account to get the 2%) and the Capital One Venture card which gives 2% but has an annual fee. Finally, Capital One’s new “50% more cash” card they’ve been advertising to death will give you 1.5% cash back on all transactions (in the end after the bonus). Your spending patterns will determine what is best for you.
As Gail said, pay off your cards every month or this is all for naught because of interest.
goldribbons
I use an AmEx blue card. I get 1 point for every dollar I spend, and every 10,000 points I can redeem for a $100 gift card to one of a variety of retailers (e.g., Zappos, Banana Republic, Saks, Coach, Brooks Brothers, etc.) or a $70ish AmEx gift card. As you might guess, I do the $100 gift card. It’s fun. I refuse to pay an annual fee and so I could probably get better rewards if I paid a fee, but I think this works fine. Interested to hear what others say too though!
ANP
I’ve had AmEx Blue for ~11 years and love that its a no-fee, cash-back card. Also, just this week they picked up some shifty activity on my account and contacted me at lightening speed. I was totally grateful and impressed with that aspect of their customer service.
Blue
I have the Amex Blue with the $75/year fee. You get 6% back on groceries, 1% on everything, and then 2-3% on a couple other categories (I think department stores and something else I can’t remember right now). The 6% back on groceries adds up really quickly, I’m a big fan.
LH
I have Amazon Chase. 1% back on everything, 2% back on restaurant/grocery/gas purchases (a lot of my spending, for me), 3% back on Amazon. I can get my rewards in many forms including statement credit and it doesn’t have to be in any particular increments, I can get it whenever I want. I have been really happy with Chase whenever I’ve had to deal with them. I also have a CapitalOne VISA with no foreign transaction fee that I use only in foreign countries.
anonypotamus
We just got a CapitalOne Venture card – previously had a bank 1% cash back card that was fine, but we are looking to do more traveling, and have heard from friends and family that its very easy to use and to get upgrades, etc. We have racked up quite a few points already and are hoping to be able to use it towards honeymoon flights/future travel, etc. We put pretty much everything we can on it and pay it off every month. Esp with wedding purchases, and money we are spending anyway, as long as we pay it off every month, we may as well get the points. The first year with CapitalOne is free so we may go another route next year when we have to start paying $$. From what I remember though, the fee is fairly low. Plus, they have a lot of bonus points available through a lot of retailers we use anyway (J.Crew, AnnTaylor, BrooksBrothers, etc) where you can get 5-10 bonus points per dollar.
ITDS
Thanks everyone – this is really helpful!
Ellen
I LOVE the Citibank CASH BACK Card! I get more money back from Citibank for the MORE I SPEND.
So My dad takes that money and he deposit’s it into my BANK acount, and HE pay’s my bills from that Basnk acount. So, if you go with the CASH BACK card, the more you SPEND, the more you get back and then can spend on MORE thing’s! Yay!
I am now off to Chapauqua, and will be brienging my stuff with me on the train for mabye up to a WEEK! Myrna is postponeing my birthday party dinner she was planneing at Ruth Chris (she know’s I love the FILET), so we will DO that another nite when I am back and can enjoy a full meal! It does NOT matter to much b/c I am NOT a little girl any more, but my mom and dad will be abel to spend my birthday with me up at Ed and ROSA’s house, which is VERY big.
I think I want a guy like ED, but I do NOT want to leeave the City, b/c I am a profesional, and do NOT think there is to much legal job’s up in Chapauqua. It’s along way to take the train from there to NYC, and NYC is where all the jobs are. Even the COURT’s are in NYC, so if I stay, I can be a JUDGE or go IN HOUSE. I can also have a BABY in NYC and have someone to watch him or her while I work. YAY! Not so much in the subburbb’s. FOOEY!
Also, if I decide to be a LAW PROFESSER, there is onley one law school up there (PACE), but alot of law school’s here. Right now, I think I would TEACH at NYU or FORDAM, b/c they are BOTH covenently located in Manhatan. Not so much for Columbia, which DAD says is still in a bad area. He does NOT want me takeing the train at night thru Harlem. FOOEY! He told me I should take cab’s but I am not sure there are alot of cab’s up around 116th Street in Harlem at night. DOUBEL FOOEY!
I will try and post when the baby come’s but I will also have my hand’s full baby sitteing, so I am not sure how quick I will be abel to reespond. So I am wisheing myself Happy Birthday in advance, and will eat a Cheeze Danish myself to celabrate! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Vinnie
I’d like to meet your sister Rosa, if Ed ever tires of her, and takes the kids.
I am not sure about you any more. You are getting long in the tooth and no one will tell me where you work so I can get a gander myself. I’d be willing to give you a test drive, but you’ve got to have game.
Anonymous
Who is he kidding? This lecherous dude will take anything that can’t move away fast enough.
Ellen's FATHER
ELLEN. What have I TOLD you about talking about your FIENANCIAL AFFEYRS to everyone? FOOEY!
Sydney Bristow
I like my Quicken Visa from Chase. 1 point for every dollar, double points at certain types of merchants, and 5 points per dollar on Intuit products (like Turbo Tax). You can use points for lots of things, but my goal is always for flights. I think 25,000 points gets you a ticket up to $350.
Sapphire
I have the Chase Freedom card and the Chase Sapphire card. I got a bunch of points for signing up for the Sapphire, and I get the same points as others have mentioned for the Freedom card. You can combine the points from the two cards; I’ve had it for less than a year, and I used points to book a flight a couple of months ago.
Anonymous
Posted this at the bottom of the earlier thread but more information below:
My Friday sucks. Was just told I (along w/ everyone else in my side of the business) will take a 20% pay cut due to a bad Q1. Effective April 1 and expected to last until summer when I was already planning on leaving for graduate school.
I do have some savings which will cushion the blow (somewhat) but I’m frustrated because much of those savings were earmarked for grad school (or for living expenses during the 1.5 month period in between leaving my job and loan disbursement for school).
I’d start looking for another job but (of course) I’m leaving in 5 months already. I’m just depressed right now. Maybe things will look better on the other side of the weekend.
Jessica Glitter
*hugs* Sorry, that is not a fun way to start the weekend! No specific advice, just wanted to send some happy thoughts your way :)
I highly recommend cookies and wine.
Brant
On the bright side, you still have a job? Not trying to make light, just giving you ideas for perspective. You could be totally job-less, with the need to find a new job 5 months before you were planning to quit.
Also…does your employer allow you to cash out PTO? That was an unexpected windfall for me when I left for grad school. I had almost a full month’s pay!
Totally sucks, though.
LH
Sorry to hear that. On the plus side (also not trying to make light of it or take away from how sucky it is), a 20% pay cut doesn’t mean a 20% cut in your take-home pay. It could be significantly less depending on your tax bracket. And you’re going to be living on a lot less when you’re in grad school right? Maybe if you start living the frugal grad school lifestyle now you can end up cutting that money lost from your budget and still put the same amount in the bank. Still not fun, but it might be less miserable to think of it as becoming a (slightly less well paid) grad student a few months earlier than planned.
Any way you could negotiate a little more paid time off or a slightly shorter workweek? I dont know what the nature of your business is, but if they’re paying you less because there’s actually less work to be done they might be amenable to that.
Susie
I’ve been invited to a gala event – dinner with dancing to follow at a Fairmont. I will be sitting at my GC’s table, she is being honored and only invited a small handful of people who share her alma mater so, being quite junior in the company I feel honored to be included. The invite states business/c’tail attire and I have a black dress I think I will wear, but unsure on shoes – are strappy shoes okay or stick to pumps? For what its worth we do not wear open toed shoes in the office.
goldribbons
Since you said you’re “quite junior in the company” and you “feel honored to be included,” I’d go with pumps as I feel they’re a bit more formal. If you were going with people your level only, I’d say the strappy shoes sound okay as far as the official dress code, but I think this is one of those times you should dress more conservatively.
a.
I don’t know, “gala with dinner and dancing” plus “cocktail” anywhere on the invite reads more strappy to me. I’d stick to a more conservative dress, but I think on occasions like this, having a tasteful, non-work-appropriate accessory (for example, a strappy shoe), actually does more to show that you know how to comport yourself as a professional adult, in more than one type of setting.
a.
In moderated for the c-word.
I don’t know, “gala with dinner and dancing” plus “c******l” anywhere on the invite reads more strappy to me. I’d stick to a more conservative dress, but I think on occasions like this, having a tasteful, non-work-appropriate accessory (for example, a strappy shoe), actually does more to show that you know how to comport yourself as a professional adult, in more than one type of setting.
a.
Select option A. “In moderation” or B. “Moderated.”
This is the Day of the Typo.
Anonymous
Are you going to dance? Then you should wear strappy (if conservative in some other way, like basic black or no shine or lower heel). You do not want to be losing a shoe on the dance floor.
Snarkster
I wouldn’t wear pumps to an event like this – unless it’s something like a gold glittery pump!
Recommendation please
Hi Ladies, what are your favorite spin podcasts? Thanks in advance!
Pep Talk
How do all of you deal with ugly days? Or feeling unattractive generally?
I know that objectively I’m not an ogre (though I think I tend towards cute instead of pretty), but I always feel overlooked and unpretty, and its really starting to take a toll on my self-esteem, and I just generally have not been feeling great about how I look. I think partially it’s just that I don’t fit the preferred aesthetic for my city – blonde, blue eyes, etc, seem to do really well here. When I travel to other cities, I get a lot of attention, but that doesn’t change the fact that I live where I live and I generally feel average at best. Add in monthly hormones, and some days are really really rough, and hard to deal with.
Akris
This is bad, but I sometimes buy a tabloid and get comfort from that fact that attractive and rich people still have problems. Misery loves me some celebrity company.
Susie
Ha, the celebrities with cellulite editions are the best!
a.
This is maybe me getting up on my high horse again, but I don’t think that the long-term solution to anyone’s unhappiness with the way she looks is to tear others down. Yes, in a way it’s reassuring to know that [celebrity] has cellulite, like all other human women on the face of the earth, or that [other celebrity] also does not look as amazing without her makeup and hair done. But the way I’ve seen it presented in every tabloid magazine that I’ve ever looked at, is not coming from a good place–it’s coming from a place that mocks every deviation from our society’s overly-narrow definition of acceptable female beauty (don’t get me started on the “bikini body” ones).
To the OP, is there anything you can do for a quick beauty perk-up? Maybe a new haircut, or some lipstick, or a mani-pedi? It’s such a small thing, but for me, doing my nails makes me feel *so much* more pretty, pulled-together, and feminine. Or on a less shallow note, what about doing something good for your body, like an hour of yoga or a run?
But other than that, we all go through periods where we feel gross and unattractive. I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this.
Akris
It’s not really a put-down thing, but an existential examination of how problems persist across income levels and that prettiness may create more problems than it solves. Somebody cheated on Christie Brinkley. Somebody cheated on Elin Woods. These people seem perfect and yet they have the same sucky problems as me. [Actually worse ones.] Kim K is married to someone and pregnant with someone else’s baby. [And a double-yuck: I don’t have to pimp out my problems to the tabloids to keep a roof over my head.]
I don’t really get into the body issues ones but I love the who-wore-what ones. It’s like prom time without the hassle.
Anonymous
Yeah, I don’t think this is a put-down thing either. It’s just making yourself realize that we’re all holding ourselves to an impossible standard. Even people we think meet the standard don’t when it’s just them without makeup, stylists, air brushing, etc.
Dulcinea
Also, pick your favorite celebrity or one who has the same coloring as you do and google their name + without makeup.
momentsofabsurdity
I feel like this at times to. Yesterday, I had a date and I looked in the mirror and went, “Well. I guess that’s as good as it’s gonna get.”
Objectively, I think it’s good to remind yourself that there are very, very, very few “actually ugly” people and you probably aren’t nearly so ugly as you feel some days. I think it’s also worth, especially on ugly days, taking a little extra time in the morning to “try” (even though on those days, it’s the last thing I want to do) by doing your hair/putting on makeup/wearing clothes you love/whatever.
My number one cure for an ugly day is to go to the gym for a really hard workout, then come home and take an “everything shower” – I wash my hair, deep condition, shave, do a face mask, do an exfoliating body scrub, pedegg my feet, etc etc. I find feeling like I’ve done something “good” for myself and feel clean and strong does a lot toward making me feel prettier on ugly days.
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way!
saac n mama
The “everything shower” sounds heavenly! I can see setting up all the ingredients for it one-by-one, as the anticipation builds. I’d put on classical music and light candles too.
SunnyD
How about a spa service like getting your nails done or a massage?
Otherwise, I usually start giving away clothing in my closet that I blame for making me feel ugly. Somehow the purging makes me feel better.
Anonymous
I feel really unattractive generally, partly because of a huge weight gain (on the order of 70 lbs) that is part thyroid, part eating-disorder-history related, so I’m curious to know what others think about this. I don’t want to spend money on more clothes esp when I’m trying to lose weight because it feels like I’m giving in, so I wear the same boring cr@p all the time.
Spas and massages and mani/pedis really don’t do it for me; I feel like they’re a waste. I exercise 4-5x a week and that helps, but I have gotten so shy, I don’t even want to go see friends in my city because I’d be terrified of them seeing me looking like this.
goldribbons
I don’t know if you’ve considered this or if you’re even looking for suggestions, but I highly recommend Sarah Jenks’ Live More, Weigh Less online class to address the feelings you’ve accumulated about your body. I had an eating disorder for a number of years and part of what helped me heal was eliminating mirrors from my house. I just felt so much better when I couldn’t see my body, and my confidence needed to be restored. I obviously had a hair/makeup mirror and a bathroom mirror, but all full-length mirrors were tossed. Hugs.
a.
+1 to the mirrors thing.
And have you considered counseling? (goldribbons’ suggestion of the online class might work for that, but I don’t have any experience with it.) If you’re at the point where you feel like your body image could be harming your relationships with your friends (e.g. you don’t want to meet up with them, because you don’t want them to see you), I think that’s a sign that you might need a safe space to discuss everything you’re going through.
mama of 2
Oh honey, please go buy yourself some pretty new clothes that fit the body you have. I don’t believe in the whole “giving in” theory at all. Instead, I think that wearing clothes that look good on you will help you feel better and more confident — and that will help you see your friends and be less shy. Take it from someone who’s been up and down the scale: Your fundamental worth as a human being is not tied to your weight. Your friends will love you regardless of what you weigh. And you can be a beautiful, attractive woman at many, MANY weights.
saac n mama
I don’t know if this will help or not, but as I’ve aged and become less attractive by the standard yardsticks, I’ve realized that I lack some skills. I never felt intimidated by mixers, but then found I had fewer and fewer conversation partners. Eventually I figured out that my “strategy” had been to stand, drink in hand, and smile and guys (my field is mostly men) would come up and talk to me. So my suggestion is to use those days to target specific skills to work on.
espresso bean
I’ve been feeling this way lately. It’s rough. Like momentsofabsurdity said, a little primping can help. This time of year is especially bad for it in my city because it’s been freezing for months and no one has seen the sun, so I feel especially pale and drawn-looking.
I sometimes find that a new makeup product (especially lipstick, blush, or bronzer) can work wonders in this department. It helps wake up my face. I also like buying a new shirt in a favorite cut or color.
Most importantly, though, I try to remind myself that these feelings come in phases and no one else thinks I look as bad as I think I do.
Bewitched
Go to a mall. People watch. You are most likely quite attractive compared to most people you will see there. I feel the same way about my house when I watch TV or read magazines, but then I remember, not too many people live in Pottery Barn homes.
Anon
I deal with it by reminding myself that this is it – this is what I look like for better or for worse. I can either work with what I’ve got and live my life to the fullest or I can waste my time feeling bad about myself and hiding from the world. I choose option A.
It also helps to remind myself what Diana Vreeland said: “You don’t owe prettiness to anyone. Not to your boyfriend/spouse/partner, not to your co-workers, especially not to random men on the street. You don’t owe it to your mother, you don’t owe it to your children, you don’t owe it to civilization in general. Prettiness is not a rent you pay for occupying a space marked ‘female’.”
There is so much more to you and your life than looks.
Samantha
Thanks for that empowering quote! Not the OP but society seems to drill into women the exact opposite of this quote and this is a nice reminder.
Anon
Thank you for this quote. AMAZING.
I posted yesterday re gym membership and this was part of it. My otherwise pretty progressive father thinks that all women it’s ok to judge women upon their looks. Whenever anybody mentions a family friend’s daughter accomplishing life achievement X, he’ll ask, “how is she looking?” Which grosses me out a bit , angers me, and makes me sad all at the same time. We never ask whether Son turned out handsome. Sigh.
Pep Talk
I love this quote.
But a huge part of the problem is feeling overlooked by potential suitors because I’m not the “look” they prefer, and so unfortunately, though I don’t owe it to anyone to be pretty, I feel so much pressure to grow my hair longer, wear more makeup, dress differently, etc., just so I’m not ignored.
Silvercurls
I get not wanting to be ignored, or being stuck in a location where all of the suitors are looking for someone who matches a not-you template…but do you really want to be noticed by such narrow-minded people? Or worse, paired up with someone who is incapable of perceiving, responding to, appreciating or understanding your real self? Can you redirect your career so that it gets you to a better location, or get yourself to a better location long enough to meet more suitable potential suitors? Ideally one of them could move to your location, or you could do LDR until you both find a suitable third place to live.
Hugs, though. I don’t mean to be giving tough love advice. Your situation sounds crummy.
P.S. I bet you’re either beautiful, extremely distinctive, or compellingly attractive to people NOT bound up by the local checklist of physical attributes!
Silvercurls
Alice said it better (below): “interesting and unconventional can be beautiful.”
I mean, not every beauty has long legs, long, flowing straight hair, and (usually white) skin that tans easily (to generalize from about 1,000,000 models on the covers of magazines).
I’m too tired to come up with many examples, but try Angelique Kidjou, Toni Morrison, Bonnie Raitt, Emmylou Harris (straight hair, but _gray_), or Amy Winehouse (okay, heavy on the makeup & tattoos, but compelling-looking features and _curly_ hair!).
Pep Talk
This is a great point Silvercurls, and one I will remember.
Alana
You’re not alone. In fact, I am taking a trip in order to experience what it is like to fit the range of attractiveness.
Pippi
I go do something awesome, like go to the gym and bench press a bunch of weight. Maybe I’m bloated or gained a few pounds or whatever, but my body can do other awesome things so who cares.
Anonymous
I agree. Whenever I get a workout in my body image is always way higher. My workout is running in the early morning, and on the days I run I feel way better about myself & think I’m skinnier than on the days I don’t run. Objectively I know that I’m probably the exact same size, but I love the mental boost a good workout gives me. One of the reasons I run!
Alice
I’ve definitely had those times. I sometimes find that it helps to identify women–work acquaintances, etc.–who aren’t necessarily conventionally pretty, but who comport themselves well, dress well, seem put together, and because of that, seem really very attractive to me. Because those types of people remind me that interesting and unconventional can be beautiful.
I also like to walk around listening to girl-power-esque music. It makes me stand a little taller on the way to work, and better about myself.
anonchitect
I’m so sorry you’re going through this! I’ve totally been in your shoes–stuck in a town where I was considered culturally/ethnically unattractive (men were shockingly frank with me about this when I was there–it was awful, and I was floored). Since guys there were never going to flock to me in droves, I eventually found that what made me happiest was taking a pretty active “F-this” approach and dressing in an even more over-the-top, adventurous way. Asymmetry, pattern, volume, etc. let me take pleasure in what I was wearing and how I looked in ways that didn’t depend on others, and I still felt that I got to express myself as a physical person, if that makes sense. Finding a couple of small local boutiques with awesome sales associates can also go a long way towards making you feel like you have people in your corner. One sales associate at my favorite store used to fuss over me and pull things aside for me all the time. I could almost never afford to buy anything, but because most people in town were super conservative, it was extra fun for him when I came in.
I’ve since moved to a place where I’m much more, um, appreciated, and have been dating a ton (by comparison–would hate to jinx things!). I’m now pretty grateful to have had a chance to develop my sense of style and sense of myself as an attractive person far from the prying eyes of dudes in their mid-to-late twenties…
Mary Ann Singleton
Paperless home office recommendations? I know there have been some discussions about using scanners at home and not keep so much paper around. What are your scanner recommendations, and what do you do about organizing files, and backup storage, etc.? I don’t like the idea of having to pay for cloud storage forever (would almost rather keep my messy paper files) – are there any free options? I have an external harddrive for backup, but if I am going paperless I think I need backup in the cloud.
This is all part of my spring cleaning project!
InfoGeek
How much space do you need? Google’s GDrive might be one option.
If it’s just a backup of your local hard drive and you already have a local external hard drive for backup, you certainly don’t need to feel “tied” to any one cloud storage provider. You could switch at any time because you already have 2 local copies of your data. The cloud storage is just backing you up for a local disaster (flood, lightning strike, fire, large surge, tornado, etc.).
Mary Ann Singleton
I’m just thinking of worst case scenarios – I keep my external hard drive in my apartment, so if there was a fire (or burglary, I guess) both that and my computer would be gone.
Tuesday
I am a huge fan of the Fujisu ScanSnap scanner. It will scan something like 50 pages at a time, both sides in no time flat. And it has some auto-rotate magic, so if you put something in crooked, the output will be straight.
Plan B
I’ve heard great things about the Fujitsu ScanSnap scanner. I was going to get one, but then had to replace my printer, so ended up getting an Epson printer/scanner. I still need to figure out the scanner, but I’m going to make it to paperless some day!
Anonymous
+1 ScanSnap is awesome!
ss
Dropbox’s free 2GB actually accommodates a lot, particularly if they are scanned docs rather than big graphics/ video files. If you’re storing the equivalent in hard copy, you’d certainly need to figure out retention priorities unless you have a really large office, so managing your Dropbox capacity would be the same. And they seem to be quite generous about giving free space if you introduce new users.
Cb
Or if you have an old uni email address that you can use for registration. I have 23 GB and haven’t paid for anything due to the ‘Space Race’
Mary Ann Singleton
AND, one more question: What do you guys use for collecting recipes online? I email recipes to myself but it gets messy. I’m not on Pinterest. Is there an easy way to store links to favorite recipes that I see on websites?
Equity's Darling
There was a discussion about online ways to organize recipes here a few weeks ago – google says it was the March 13th post on the Monica Jacket- Pepperplate, Ziplist, Plan to Eat, Paprika and Big Oven were all discussed as options. I kept the list of options discussed, because I’ve also been looking.
notowhat
Friend of mine who works for a food magazine strongly recommended Paprika – although it’s sadly only available for Mac.
Susie
Similarly low-tech, I just have a folder in my email titled recipes.
For papers, after years and years of meticulously keeping every little scrap I’ve decided that although it might be interesting to look back and see how much cheaper everything was 10 years ago, it’s not worth it and shredded pretty much everything except for the last several years’ tax returns & related documentation and my mortgage and escrow papers though I’m sure I could track those down too if I really needed. Maybe I’m totally stupid/naive, but I’m not sure what/how much papers you really need to keep even scanned copies of when you can look up account info online?
Maddie Ross
I’ve been using Evernote for this. I started out using it for articles in general I found interesting, but now it’s pretty much all recipes and food.
KC
I use Evernote as well. Often times, a friend will email me a recipe and I can just forward said email to my Evernote address and it gets stored in my “Food” notebook. If I find a recipe on the internet, I’ll just copy/paste it into a new note.
Lily-Student
I have a ‘food’ notebook in my Evernote, and also a ‘food’ bookmarks folder in my browser.
So yeah, same as Maddie Ross
M-C
“save page as..”?? presumably if you’re seeing them online, you’re using a web browser..
Nousha
Great choice, it’s a beautiful dress for spring. You might need a white cardigan and white shoes, if you want to add a little bit of color try a yellow necklace, it will totally change the look! Check my blog for more options to wear closetmixer.com
no.
unless one is playing tennis, one should never, ever, wear white shoes. ugh.
sorry for the snark, ladies, but I don’t love this self-promotion on here.
TBK
No kidding. Nousha, there are plenty of ladies on this site who also have blogs. Many of the ladies on this site visit those sites, but you’ll notice that no one explicitly promotes their blogs in the way you’re doing. I think you’re being counterproductive.
saacnmama
I wish there was a blogroll. Once in a while someone mentions their blog and I’d like to visit it
Susie
If they want to share they add the link to their comment, so you can click on their handle and it takes you there. ;)
Your blog sucks.
Shut up, Nousha.
Hollis
For those of you who are in-house counsel at companies, what do you see as the primary difference between being in-house and working at a law firm? Besides the lack of billable hours, what drew you to your in-house positi0n? Thank you!
Anon for this
Other than the lack of billable hours –
– Better (fewer) overall work hours. I work 9ish until 6ish M-F, with about 1 “late” night every 2-3 months (“late” meaning 8pm or so). I also come in on a Saturday or a Sunday for a few hours about 2-3 times a year, mostly because my filing is out of control by that point :)
– I’ve never had to cancel a vacation
– I’m expected to understand the business and actually contribute, rather than just churn out documents.
– Very little hierarchy and, compared to the firm, egos are much smaller (or well concealed)
Anon for this
Also – and I don’t know if this is a function of my specific BigLaw firm vs. my specific in-house company, or if it would have been true for any BigLaw vs. company gig – but I genuinely respect the majority of my coworkers and enjoy working with them. Not at all true for my BigLaw days. Not by a long shot.
SoCalAtty
I second everything said above! Also, working with people in your industry is so much better than working with a room full of lawyers (I think so, anyway). There isn’t that “competition” to have the last word or the smartest comment.
Also, you get to become the expert in that industry and on your client – you don’t have time to do that at a firm. When you are on vacation, you’re really on vacation. At least at my new company, PTO is sacred.
Veronique
I’ve only worked in-house so I don’t have a direct comparison (other than my friends’ experiences), but I would also agree with everything stated previously. The lawyers that I work with are smart but are also genuinely nice, mostly interesting, “normal” people. One drawback would be somtimes you bump up against businesspeople who view legal as the “business interruption center” or who view you as throwing up roadblocks for the sake of it instead of for genuine legal reasons. Of course, part of my responsibilities is to explain those and their importance issues, which can sometimes be a challenge. For the most part, it’s a good challenge.
Susie
It is a different dynamic because instead of working with different clients for the length of a matter then moving on, you tend to work with the same group of people (whichever internal group you support). There are pros and cons to this obviously. My clients when I worked at a law firm where all individuals and I spent a lot of time explaining the same thing to different people, whereas now my, in-house, my discussions tend to be more high level, which I like. Of course there are a lot of factors/types of roles both in law firms and in-house so its hard to give general guidance on this.
Easter
Very random request for advice. (And sorry in advance for being so relgious-y. But it’s really a relationship question in the end.) My husband and I were both raised Protestant. We talked a little about religion before getting married, but because neither of us were super religious, we didn’t talk about it enough. I know I made some undeserved assumptions and I think he did, too. I was raised in a liberal northeastern church where the focus was almost entirely on how much God loves us. My husband was raised in a conservative souther church where the focus was almost entirely on how everyone was going to hell. After a personal tragedy in his 20s, my husband became, to his great relief, agnostic. While I was terrified of monsters under my bed as a child, my husband as a child lay awake at night terrified that he’d done something during the day that would condemn him to hell immediately. This hurts me to think of, that there was this little boy literally quaking in bed, afraid that God was going to come torture him (I, on the other hand, used to imagine Jesus coming and talking to the monsters under my bed until they decided to be nice monsters instead of mean ones). Clearly we have very different associations when it comes to religion and church. Although my husband is agnostic (and very nearly atheist) he still says that if you’re going to go to church, the only belief that makes any sense is to believe literally what the Bible says, as written. That means believing that gay marriage is wrong, that women shouldn’t talk in church, etc. etc. He doesn’t believe any of this is right, and that aligns with his abandoning Christianity. He has contempt for people who select for themselves what they believe. Because I have some doubts myself, I thought I could just go ahead and be agnostic, too. In the three years we’ve been married, I’ve been to church twice and both times it caused a huge, long discussion between us. Mostly he thinks either going to church is hypocritcal, or that I’m going to become the kind of Christian he grew up with. He also can’t see how I could be someone who goes to church but also doesn’t believe that every non-Christian is going to hell. He’s concerned that when we have a child, I’ll insist on raising the child Christian because how could I not, if I believed the child would otherwise go to hell. If I don’t believe that, however, he can’t see how I can actually be Christian and how church or religion could mean anything to me. The only answer I can give is that following my religion gives me peace, a sense of purpose, helps me handle stress better, makes me more charitable, and helps me to look beyond myself and be less self-centered. Why or how or whether anything is literally true doesn’t matter to me at all. He finds this to be totally illogical and can’t see how a woman who is typically painfully logical can think this way. I miss really celebrating Christian holidays and I’ve found myself feeling extremely jealous of the people who are going to church this week (um, usually jealousy isn’t supposed to be connected with church). I just can’t see how to explain this to him when every time I try, we both end up entirely frustrated because I just don’t think it’s a logical thing. (Sorry this is such a novel. It’s just been something I’ve been mulling a lot this week.)
goldribbons
Well the standard suggestions are going to be personal therapy and marital counseling, both of which I think could help you and your husband work through this.
I think you should ask him if he would feel the same way if you had been raised in a religion with another name. It sounds like you and your husband were not raised in the same religion, even if they are the same in name. I think the only “change” you can expect or hope for from your husband is for him to be supportive of your choices. I don’t think you can expect him to ever “come around” to religion or go to church with you or celebrate holidays with you. (This is where marital counseling would be helpful.) If you’re skipping church because of him, you’re building resentment toward him, and that’s only undermining your marriage. Would he support you attending a basketweaving class once a week if it made you happy? Presumably, yes. I think you need to first figure out how important church is to you and why it’s so important, and then discuss it with him as an “activity” as opposed to a belief system. I hope this is helpful.
Your post makes me really sad. My husband and I were raised in different religions and I have started attending his church. Even though I don’t share all of the beliefs exactly, I love that we can do that together. Good luck.
saac n mama
There are studies that show the benefits in physical and emotional health for believers. I wish I could believe, but it makes no sense to me, even though I was at Mass my entire childhood.
How *will* you feel about your child/ren’s religious training? I am finding that I want my son to have more respect for religion. Not that I want him to believe, but I have been reading haggadahs with him online this week and talking about Jesus’ passion, death and resurrection. We will read the Gospel story this weekend. At other times, we have talked about central events in Islam. It is important to me that he understand the many cultural concepts that come from the Abrahamic faiths, and I also want him to have respect for them (as in, when I first introduced the story of the Passion, he said “what’d they do, fart on him?” Fart jokes were age appropriate, but when I told him what actually happened, he gasped and has taken on a more topically appropriate attitude.) If you try to use the nice Jesus coming to scare the monsters, would he accept that? Would that seem like too much of a myth/caricature to you?
As far as the Church jealousy, is there any other way you can get your “fix”? Small book clubs that discuss values and meaningful books? Attending public lectures? Volunteering? Attending choir performances? Attending musical events (not religious services) in church buildings or beautiful surroundings?
Easter
We’ve actually discussed how to talk to our children about religion. We agree that we want them to be familiar with the Bible because of its centrality to Western art, literature, music, and history. And we want them to be familiar with the world’s other major religions. I don’t believe that there is only One Way and believe that each person needs to find the way to understand the world and things beyond the world that best works for him or her. As for substitutes for church, I’ve tried that and nothing really is the same. Part of it is that I’m Episcopalian from a high church tradition and the rituals are really what get me into the right frame of mind. I see them as similar to a meditation bell or other devices people use to center themselves. And, yes, I’ve definitely come to see that while technically the same religion, we really, really are not.
Anon WASP
I too was raised Episcopal: all of the tradition, none of the guilt.
To me, the best part of church is the music, followed by the ritual (pew calisthenics!), followed by a sense of community.
I’d urge you to seek counseling together (or just you if he won’t go). You’re not going to come to an understanding until he is able move beyond the dogmatic black and white thinking that was applied to the bible in his childhood and he’s now applying to his brand of not-religion. I wonder if this is the only instance of him thinking in absolutes instead of being comfortable with ambiguity and respecting that you don’t have to have identical opinions to him in order for them to be equally valid.
In an old relationship with an atheist, I used the analogy that church is like dieting (bear with me). Some people do best struggling to be a better person alone, and others need a community in which to strive to be a better person. For me (and I mean no disrespect) church is weight watchers for the soul – I do better when I am in a community of like-minded people who all would like to become better, more generous, kind, forgiving, and loving people with the same basic framework in which to talk about this life-long struggle.
How does he think about his struggle to become a better person now that he has rejected religion? What does he do to hold himself accountable to his core values? Does he journal? Meditate? Volunteer? Does he have any analogous experience to your church-going that gets him in the mindset of exploring his core values and examining whether he is living up to them? Could the two of you share this kind of experience together? Or, is this entire framework foreign to him and he’s just found a new set of rules to replace the old ones?
k-padi
Let me caveat this with I’m not married. FWIW, I ran into a situation like this with an ex-boyfriend who was an atheist who called God a “sky-fairy”. He needs to be open to and respect your beliefs just as much as you need to recognize and consider his fears.
I’d start with some low-key education. Do you have any theological reading materials that align with your beliefs? Maybe leave those around the house and let him read through them. Do you have a church you attend or would like to attend? Invite him to come with you; he’ll say no; bring home the church bulletin (or other literature) that he can peruse. You could also ask if he’d like to meet with the pastor/priest/reverend one-on-one or as a couple. If you trust him to be reasonable, give him absolute veto-power over the church you choose.
Also, talk through your fears. By talking through it, you can find middle ground. E.g., he visits the church you want to attend to see what it’s about but isn’t expected to go to weekly services. You would appreciate appearances at Christmas and Easter or some other functions. Talk about how you choose a church and what things are unacceptable to you in a church.
Talk about kids. Do you expect to raise them in a church? Do you expect him to support you in making the kids go to church?
Easter
He’s gone to church with me once. He just has zero respect for the Episcopal church. I really don’t need him to agree with my beliefs, nor do I need to raise the children with them. I just want to be able to go to church occasionally without having to provide a detailed, logical explanation to him of why this is important to me, or without him thinking less of me because something is meaningful to me in a way that I can’t explain with words.
k-padi
Tell him that. If he can’t accept it, I agree with goldribbons–counseling is in order. He isn’t respecting you. That breeds resentment. Resentment destroys relationships. Religion is a Big Deal and I don’t think you are asking for anything unreasonable. I could see it if one person decided to spend a lot of time at church (e.g., more than 4 hours per week) or decided to give a lot of money/resources to the church.
Other than that, is church disrupting a beloved Sunday morning routine?
Gus
And I assume that “just because I want to” isn’t good enough for him? To me this is really less about religion and more about him being willing to respect you and your choices in life. If there’s something that you want to do, that doesn’t cost any money and you’re not making him come with you, why on earth does he get to have any opinion about it at all? I find it troubling that he’s not just happy for you to do what makes you happy.
saacnmama
Respect? He’s friggin terrified that the person he loves most is going to get eaten alive by that monster that ruined the first part of his life, then turn into one and haunt him the rest of his days! As much as we’d like people to always functional rationally, we can’t. Humans, husbands included, are emotional beings.
Silvercurls
+1 re “something is meaningful to me in a way that I can’t explain with words.” Exactly! Religion is not always a matter of being detailed and logical. That doesn’t mean that religious people are all fanatics, extremists, militant proselytzers, emotionally unbalanced, and/or otherwise unable to accept the fact that other people can and manage to be kind to other people and avoid murder, bank robbery, extortion, etc. while following a different tradition. It just means that religion speaks more to the spiritual/emotional side of being human, the side that wonders why we’re here; and that religious people seek the company of other folks pondering similar questions.
I agree that you’re neither trying to change his mind nor likely to religiously-affiliate with people who are going to try to change his mind; however, it may be that his early experiences with religion were sufficiently absolutist that he just can’t imagine how religious experience could be involve a more relativistic view. (Liberal religion doesn’t have to be “anything goes, whatever, dude”–in fact, liberal religious people often do some rigorous thinking on the way to making their decisions–but it does offer a spectrum of choices beyond “you’re with us and right, or else going to Hell.”)
Silvercurls
+1 also to what Anonymous at 4:12 pm and Lucy at 4:29 pm said re liberal Christianity, mainline Protestant churches, and Lucy’s two examples of scholars as “highly readable, interesting, thoughtful people whose grounding in the biblical texts is deep but whose religiosity is a lot different from the congregation where your spouse was raised.”
saacnmama
But the religious people he’s known are exactly like that–dogmatic, unforgiving, harsh, etc. Makes total sense, in a way, for him to be so frightened and come out fighting.
If it’s really this one denomination that works for you, and its specific rituals, then that’s the stuff you’ve got to give him to read. I have no idea who the main thinkers in that tradition are. You might be able to start with “Mere Christianity”, but then you’re going to have to get into the stuff that might vex him doubly; he may well have been brought up to think of rituals as idolatry and still have discomfort with them for that emotional reason, with a layer of disagreement with the whole idea of church on top of it all.
Anonymous
I grew up with parents who sound a lot like your husband. It doesn’t help that I’m a gay non-theist who also grew up the conservative South, so my experience with churches often backed up my parents’ anti-religion beliefs. You’ve said he’s gone to church with you, but have you gotten him any educational books on liberal Christianity? There are a lot of books out there that talk about how that approach is actually rooted in the Bible and actually not a contradiction at all (and reading them for me made me see that I’m totally into Jesus as a teacher, it’s just the God thing that gets in the way!).
There’s also a long list of scientists and inventors and all kinds of other famous logical types who were religious (not only Christian but also Muslim, etc) and I’m sure at least one of them has written about how they do both.
Lucy
Could you find a mainline Protestant congregation that you like and set up a meeting with the pastor to talk with you and your husband? His POV is simply factually wrong – there are *plenty* of ways to be Christian, each with its own interesting theological history, and for him to both affirm the singular truth of and reject the actual truth of his particular denomination of origin is an interesting position.
You might also do some reading – I think of Marcus Borg and John Dominic Crossan (both New Testament scholars) as highly readable, interesting, thoughtful people whose grounding in the biblical texts is deep but whose religiosity is a lot different from the congregation where your spouse was raised.
Michelle
Maybe check out a Unitarian church if he is willing? Spirituality without the dogma.
SeniorAttorney
Yes! I am a brand new Unitarian Universalist and living it. All the holidays, none of the guilt!
SeniorAttorney
Loving it. Argh!
just Karen
Welcome to the world of UU! Unfortunately for me, I am in a somewhat similar situation to the OP with my DH – he is so scarred by his childhood religious experiences that even the UU church is too much for him and he won’t join me to attend services. He does not make me feel bad for going, but I rarely do because it’s so nice to spend a Sunday morning together reading the paper instead…I think it will definitely be an issue if/when we have kids. I don’t have any good advice, but you’re not alone, Easter!
Cb
I’d love to explore this further. Must see if such a thing exists in Scotland.
Lynnet
I have some of the same beliefs as the OP’s husband (although they’re something I struggle with and wish I could not believe) and the UU church is completely wrong for me. I understand that lots of people get a lot out of it, and I’m very happy that they can, but UU services really, really annoy me (this isn’t judgmental, I’m easily annoyed) and I’d imagine they’d have the same impact on the OP’s husband.
cbackson
I often see people suggest this to those in situations like this, but the problem is that if you’re a believing Christian seeking a community of Christian belief, Unitarianism isn’t going to give that to you. It might work for the OP’s husband, but it’s less likely to work for her.
SeniorAttorney
My suggestion is to take him to see “The Book of Mormon” if you can. Even if it means going to New York for the weekend. It explains better than any source I’ve ever seen how it’s possible to love and practice a religion without necessarily believing all or even any of it. Seriously… Seeing it got me back to church, which I missed like crazy, without feeling like a horrible person because I no longer believed much of the theology.
Anonymous
How about attending a less religious but still churchy congregation—maybe you can check out a Unitarian church?
SoCalAtty
I have a different answer to the standard “seek therapy” option. I get his perspective. My grandparents raised me, and both were Southern Baptist – my grandmother was, in fact, raised by HER grandparents – and her grandfather was a minister.
When they moved to CA from OK, they totally abandoned church as a routine thing to do, but kept a kind of “live and let live” belief. They let me go to lots of churches with friends, so I got a wide perspective.
My suggestion is you both take a philosophy of religion class. After sitting through several, I have a totally different perspective on religion. It could be a fun thing for you to do, and it is really interesting. What it boils down to is that the “Bible” is a document that has been translated, abridged, expanded, re-translated, modernized, and generally messed with for hundreds of years…so you have to take all that with a grain of salt. Get a copy of the Apocrypha (stuff that didn’t make it into the “modern” bible canon) and the Pseudepigrapha (same idea, old testament) and read some of those together. The Book of Jubilees is one not to be missed (creation story from different POV).
There are some wild (and interesting) religious writings out there that date from the same time as the accepted canonical writings that just happen to not be followed because of the decisions of some religious leaders hundreds of years ago. We all pick and choose when it comes to religion!
Sydney Bristow
I haven’t read all the responses yet, but could you tell him or show him what you’ve written here? It sounds like he can’t approach the subject of religion with an open mind, but what you’ve written lays out your concerns very clearly as well as your understanding of the basis for his views. So even though its not a logical thing to you, you’ve laid it all out in a very logical manner.
I’m a little like your husband in that I was pretty scarred from my religious upbringing and I will never attend church. I haven’t had to face the issue with my boyfriend because he also does not attend and has clearly said that he doesn’t want to, but I think I’d be ok if he wanted to attend for himself as long as he didn’t ask or expect me to go with him. I’d try to approach it like I do with friends or other family members who are religious and just not really discuss it.
Flying Squirrel
I don’t know…based on all you’ve written her, it sort of seems like this isn’t really about religious differences at all. It’s about your DH having had a traumatic childhood with which he hasn’t yet come to peace. It’s complicated; because, it sounds like religion (Christianity in particular) is what his parents used to “keep him in line” through abject fear. But the issue doesn’t really seem to be whether he respects your beliefs, it seems to be that he’s still living in fear of the things that traumatized him as a child. It’s not rational to assume that every Christian is either a vengeful, unforgiving, bigot or a hypocrite. That just simply does not comport with reality. Some people may choose to practice their version of Christianity that way, but it ignores the entire history of the religion and the various churches not to recognize there are many ways to be Christian (and I say this as a non-Christian). It’s understandable why his past may have contributed to his feeling/viewing things this way, but now he’s an adult and the views of the world he formed as a child are interfering with his life…currently his marriage. Couples counseling may be helpful, but to me it really sounds like he needs an avenue to work out his own childhood issues. I personally would suggest individual counseling, but something tells me his upbringing also would have led him to attach a huge stigma to getting individual help like that. Is there a way to begin addressing this with him in the context of his fears, not his or your religious beliefs? Maybe that will lead him to see how extreme his fear is?
I just feel like viewing this as a religious disagreement is the wrong approach. We have very close family friends (basically at least as close as my blood-related uncle and aunt) who are very different religions (Episcopalian and Hindu)…and they were able to navigate their differences pretty easily (kids were all raised devout Episcopalian, and my aunt attended church service with them weekly). I don’t get the sense that your DH disrespects you in general, so that leads me to believe this is really about a childhood trauma he needs to resolve…not about your religious choices.
cbackson
I agree. I don’t think that this is really about helping your husband to understand the historical and theological origins of the non-literal approach to Biblical interpretation.
ss
I had had the same thought that this is about your husband’s unresolved feelings about his own childhood experience of religion but hesitated to mention it, since I couldn’t think of any immediate next step if he brushed off the idea and refused to engage.
But on thinking it over, I do know a number of couples where one person is religious and the other is agnostic/ non-practising and have observed the sceptic making peace with the religious person’s practice over time, when they can see that it ‘does good’ for their spouse’s mental and spiritual health. You don’t say how long you’ve been with your husband but maybe the thing is just to quietly persist in your own practice but give up trying to argue each other round by force of logical debate ?
mamabear
Can you express your desire to go to church in terms of tradition?
That’s how I get my atheist self comfortable with celebrating Christmas (which in our house is more about tree, presents, music and décor than Jesus) and other Christian holidays.
Susie
Wow, I’ve never seen a model posed like this, is she looking for business or getting ready to use one of those squat toilets?!? http://www1.macys.com/shop/product/lauren-ralph-lauren-petite-skirt-ruffled-polka-dot-silk?ID=794151&CategoryID=30684&LinkType=#fn=DEPARTMENT_TYPE%3DSkirts%26SIZE%3D2P%26sp%3D1%26spc%3D35%26ruleId%3D19%26slotId%3D18
saac n mama
scratch that itch
Anon
Potentially controversial threadjack – what do we think of Ivy League schools and their graduate programs (law, medicine, mba)? Do you think the high tuition prices are worth the education, network, etc?
I ask bc the NYT has had some great articles on this lately.
eeyore
As someone who tried but couldn’t get into an ivy league school (for undergrad or grad), yeah I think they’re worth it. Also, it’s the worst working for someone who went to an ivy league school when you didn’t.
Come on!
As someone who went to an Ivy League school, and whose coworkers (including subordinates) have frequently expressed surprise at this because I “never mention it!”, please don’t assume that Ivy League degree = automatic douchebaggery. Sure, Ivy League grads count a fair number of a**hats among their numbers, and someone who name drops their alma mater every 20 minutes is probably an a**hat, but not because of WHERE they went to school. They were an a**hat before they got that degree, and they’ll be an a**hat afterwards.
a.
I didn’t go to an Ivy, and I promise you my school graduated (possibly more than?) its fair share of a**hats. So don’t blame the poor Ivies.
Susie
Depends entirely on what your goals are. For certain ambitions you are definitely fighting an uphill battle if you don’t go through the Ivy League, so for that I say it’s worth it. For others with different or more modest ambitions, better value is found elsewhere.
Anonymous
Yes, except that it’s not always a choice anymore between expensive ivy vs. modestly priced state school. I think that’s certainly one debate. But there are also a ton of lower-ranked, not all that well-regarded private institutions that cost nearly as much as an ivy but provide none of the benefits. I think in the case of Ivy vs. Other Private Institution, the ivy is well worth the extra cost.
momentsofabsurdity
And on the other hand, sometimes private institutions have the budget to offer scholarships that put them at or below the cost of state schools. I have a friend who went to a top 30 LAC (now heading to Ivy League grad school) which worked out to much less than her total price would have been at a state school in her state.
a.
I think they’re great for some people, but going to an Ivy League is not the be-all, end-all of personal or professional success. I’ll try and dig up a link (I think it was in the NYT as well?) but a few years back there was a study saying that high-achieving students, who turned down an Ivy for a state flagship, over time ended up with the exact same salaries, markers of professional success, etc. as those who had actually gone. This was all about undergrad. I couldn’t speak to professional schools, but I imagine that outside of a few specific firms in a few specific fields, the same would be true.
On a more personal note…I have plenty of friends who have gone to various Ivies and their California cousin. I went to my very highly-regarded state school. Barring one stand-out individual who will probably become Secretary of State within 25 years, my life has followed the same trajectory as theirs. We’re working the same kinds of jobs, for the same kinds of pay. Maybe this would be different if we were all doctors or lawyers or wanted to work on Wall Street, but this is not the case, so eh. I guess it all comes down to what you want out of life.
k-padi
It depends on your goals. If you want to be connected to the power-players and in the highest levels of government and business, Ivy graduate programs are practically mandatory but still no guarantee. If you want to stay near home (far away from the Ivies), have a decent career, be active in your community, and/or get scholarships, Ivies are not worth it.
Bonnie
No. I have the same job as Ivy Leaguers but had half the loans.
Anon
Ditto. My husband and I have the same job, but he did prep school + ivy + top 10 post grad, and I did public school, state univ, top 50 post grad.
Susie
Yes and Larry Ellison and Michael Dell never finished college – it’s the exception not the norm. Also interesting to note, both Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg met their partners and started their companies while at Harvard and Google started at Stanford.
Here is an interesting article, the take home being: The benefit of higher education isn’t so much the classes that students take, but rather the network of people that surround them and the doors that are opened because of a college’s reputation. http://www.cnbc.com/id/49465579
Akris
The ivies are so tiny (relatively small undergrads) even as the population has ballooned. Maybe it matters if you want to live in Greenwich, but I’d know where you want to be, location-wise and pick schools based on that. Teach K-12? Go somewhere where you won’t have loans, preferably with a good local reputation. Practice law in Tennessee? Might as well go to law school there and save some $. Not sure what to do / where to live? Maybe a nationally recognized school, but if you might also need a graduate degree, don’t have loans from undergrad.
Anon for this
I can’t speak to Ivy Leagues but I wonder if this is analogous. I went to a well-known school in my secondary field (the arts) and it has a certain cache in that field. I don’t really talk about it or namedrop but I do have my diploma in my office and when people notice, they’ll sometimes say something like, “You want to X??” I had a terrible experience there in grad school and felt lucky to get out with my degree and some self-respect (and some great experience that led to my career but tangentially). But the name and reputation of the school definitely opened doors for me when I was job-hunting.
Anon in NYC
I agree that there is a certain amount of cache to the name in grad schools. I transferred into a better ranked law school, and am convinced that it has opened more doors for me. I loved my lower ranked law school where I spent 1L year, and didn’t have nearly as good of an experience at my fancy private law school (and have a ton more loans, and don’t have a huge network since I didn’t have a small section), but the name means more to other people/institutions/firms/businesses. Will that pay off in the end? Maybe.
Anon for this
Yeah, to be clear, I don’t think it has particularly helped me since getting that first job but who knows. I do feel like the degree I got and especially the secondary requirements (like language proficiency) have helped me pretty significantly in my professional life, but I’m fairly certain I could have gotten the same thing at a school didn’t have that name.
SoCalAtty
With the ever-increasing price of even public universities, I’d say it is worth every penny. I’m only speaking for law school here, but it certainly matters. I don’t think I’d say they produce a better lawyer than their well known public counterparts, but unfortunately the name on the diploma really matters here.
I think I would have made it to where I am much sooner with that kind of degree…unfortunately, I didn’t figure out the college “game” until too late and while I had decent GPA and LSAT, they weren’t Ivy grade.
Miss A
I honestly chose an Ivy for undergrad because it was my cheapest option; by FAR. Having parents who could not otherwise afford to pay for college, it was either get into an ivy that meets 100% need, or get a scholarship. Oddly enough, since my scores/resume were enough to put me in the ivies, the other good schools looked me over for $, since they figured I’d go there anyway. I graduated with about $10k in loans which were/are completely manageable post grad.
I also chose ivy for law because it was the best school in the T14 I got into, close to my bf, and I didn’t know it was going to be that bad graduating in 2011. In retrospect, I might have been better off taking a full ride to one of the other schools and doing superwell, but I didn’t want to take the chance that I’d be outside of the top 5% and screwed over in the job market so it made sense to pay the full amount and go to the ivy, where you can be middle of the pack and do ok (without a recession). I’m still employed, and I truly think that it’s the doubly ivy + mad skills that helped me during interviews whereas many classmates at my law school were struggling to find a job at graduation.
An Ivy education is not an end all be all, but given the many wonderful people I’ve met at school, and the cost factors, the supportive network of alumni found nationally and internationally, I am glad I worked my butt off in order to get into them. But that is also why I worked my butt off to get in.
As in anything, everybody’s situation is different as the posters point out above, and everybody needs to evaluate what works best for them individually.
Flying Squirrel
MD’s are so in demand (and med school and licensing are so heavily regulated), unless you want to do research I don’t think it matters at all…especially if you get into any med school in the US. From my own observations, it matters greatly where you go for a JD or an MBA. Top 10 school or the highest ranked regional school seem to be pre-requisites for getting a good job. If you plan to work for yourself, I suspect it matters less as long as you ensure you learn what you need to know wherever you go. But the networks and the stamp of quality that well-known schools provide are worth something in a job search.
That said, I think decisions about professional schools are very different than undergrad or grad school. For the former, cultural fit matters a lot. If you’re miserable at your undergrad school, it doesn’t necessarily matter how highly ranked it is. Life’s too short, and it will hurt your performance. For non-professional grad school (e.g. PhD), the quality of the department matters the most…along with the resources available for whatever research you want to do. But, one caution, if you want to work outside of your academic field where people are less likely to know the quality of a department in an otherwise lower-ranked school, prestige matters…again just as a distinguishing stamp of quality.
I say all of the above knowing many people with Ivy (or other top 10) degrees who are much less capable than people with degrees from other school. Ivy doesn’t necessarily correlate to competence/quality, but people think it does. Overall though, from my own experience, the average Ivy (or Ivy-like) is a bit brighter…making that network somewhat more valuable. Also, smaller classes and high caliber faculty can greatly enhance your education, but only if you take advantage of that. I know many, many people who didn’t…in which case the extra value for your dollar is limited. You’re just paying for the name at that point.
saac n mama
I love this blue color!
But I feel like short dresses are everywhere, but not for me.
anon
The concept of “Ivy League” isn’t entirely applicable to law schools–it’s more about rankings. But, generally speaking, I believe that more prestigious professional schools are worth it, whereas a prestigious undergrad isn’t.
momentsofabsurdity
Made me giggle:
http://www.happyplace.com/15235/the-creepiest-easter-bunny-photos-ever-taken/page/1
TBK
Oh wow. It’s a good thing I’m not where my co-workers can overhear me. I’m laughing hysterically.
Susie
Hilarious, thanks for sharing a little cheer heading into the weekend!
Plan B
This wins the weekend.
Jules
Styling Q … well actually two.
1. I bought this skirt from BR in the camel color and really like it, but I’m not sure what I could wear it with other than an ivory top. I have one, but I would like to have a broader range of things to wear with it so I could wear it more often. Any suggestions on other colors to wear it with? http://bananarepublic.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=3263000120008&cid=26498&locale=en_US
2. I also bought this dress from nordstrom to wear to my daughter’s christening. Really like it for that purpose but I’m wondering if there’s a way to wear it to work. Maybe swap out the belt and add a blazer? Or is this definitively a non-work appropriate dress? Thoughts? http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/ellen-tracy-pleated-fit-flare-dress/3496301?origin=wishlist
Mary Ann Singleton
I like both of these items. No idea on colors for the first one, but I think the dress can definitely be work appropriate for most offices, especially with a blazer and more conservative belt, unless it’s as short as it is on the model of course.
AIMS
Cute and cute!
I think you can wear that skirt with almost anything. Navy would look great, as would a top in that orangey red that’s everywhere right now. Or you could do a bright blue or maybe even a really bright pink (i would do neon pink) … Obviously black or another neutral would work, too. But it’s basically a neutral, you can pair it with almost anything.
And I think you can definitely wear the dress to work. Pair it with a shorter blazer or a slim fitting cardigan (I like v-neck better for this type of look).
Jules (the other one)
I don’t have many answers — although the camel would look good with navy, coral, maybe fern green; it’s basically a neutral.
But great handle!
Shanghai
Triangle, NC area ladies: I’ll send out an email soon (I have a few of you already), but how about a small meetup in April? Sorry I didn’t jump on it earlier, but these have been crazy months at work. If you haven’t already contacted me, email me at c h i n a r e t t e at Gmail (no spaces–trying to avoid moderation here). I’ll send out a few options for dates and locations this weekend. It’ll probably be somewhere near RTP that all of us in Chapel Hill/Durham/Raleigh/Cary can all get to easily.
Anon
I’m starting work at goldman sachs. Can anyone shed any light on the dress code? I’m more comfortable in dresses than pants and am not sure if I need dresses that have jackets or if sheath dresses are ok on their own. Thanks!
goldribbons
Wear a suit your first week to see what everyone else wears.
Susie
If your in a major market likely the dress would be pretty formal/conservative. Suit, or shift dress w/ blazer. Closed to shoes, hosiery if wearing a skirt.
Susie
*you’re
ss
Depends on the location of your office and the area you’re working in. Front vs. back office, banking vs. trading, east vs. west coast, US vs. not all have different day-to-day dress codes. Don’t spend $$ until you’ve had time to figure out yours.
For k-padi
Just wanted to say thanks so much for the Diet to Go recommendation. I had been struggling with getting back on track with weight loss and was considering a service, but it’s so hard to know whether a particular service will actually be good. I’m a month in, and even with having to skip a week for travel, I feel like I am finally back on the right track, which is an enormous relief. So thank you!
k-padi
You’re welcome! I’m glad it’s working!
Monday
So, my mom has a date tonight. This is a huge deal for her because she was with my Dad from age 19 until his death about 5 years ago, and she hasn’t even considered dating since then. She’s in her late 50s. She’s been saying she’s not at all interested in a relationship, has no concern about what will happen, and doesn’t plan to ever talk about it again, but all signs today are pointing to a lot of excitement about it. This means that if things go really well or go poorly, I am going to hear ALL ABOUT IT and be expected to give opinions and advice–this is the nature of our relationship. I have 2 siblings in their twenties, and she apparently also told both of them.
I know that for many people, having a mom who is dating is totally normal, so I’m seeking any tips from those of you who have dealt with it. I’d love to mind my own business and not talk about it with her much, but history has shown that that usually doesn’t work. So, what have you ladies found that does work well? I know this could be anything from fizzling out immediately to her feeling hurt in the long run to having whoever this guy is at our next Christmas. I want to be supportive but sort of detached too. Thank you!
Elle
Can I ask: are you opposed to her dating? Because you seem ambivalent when – based on the facts presented – she’s not really doing anything wrong/inappropriate? I’m just not sure why you can’t give advice/be excited for her.
Monday
No, I totally support whatever she wants to do, and she certainly deserves to be happy in whatever form it takes. It’s more like I’m just not sure how to handle it if she comes to me with questions or problems. I’ll try to just treat it like I would if she were a friend, but it might be hard–she’s not. And I know she will compare everyone to my Dad, perhaps favorably since they had a lot of issues. Long story, but maybe this helps clarify.
goldribbons
I think you’ll find it’s a whole lot like any of your friends dating. You’ll be able to hear her gush about it, and you can mostly just be excited and supportive that she’s dating at all.
Susie
Sounds like you don’t have the closest relationship with your mom, maybe this will help bring you together?
Anon
In my experience with my mother in law dating again after being widowed, it’s a lot more like high school dating than your friends’ dating lives in their 20s and 30s. I don’t think she was prepared for what dating is like in the world today with text messaging, email and cell phones. It’s made her go a bit crazy frankly — obsessing over when her dates call and how often. I think the best thing you can do for your mom is keep her grounded as she gets back out there, particularly as a widow. Maybe the date will be a keeper, but most likely not. My MIL fell really hard, really fast for the first guy she dated, much like a 16 year old and when it went south after a few weeks, she took it really hard. I would just recommend encouraging your mom to keep perspective on it all and have fun, but remember it’s a date, not another marriage proposal.
Monday
This is precisely what I’m worried about. I don’t want to be pessimistic, but based on some of the wild n crazy input she has had about my personal life I’m just wondering how well she’ll roll with whatever happens to her. “Grounded” is what I want to go for. Thanks.
AIMS
It’s definitely weird when your parent starts dating again. My mom and I have always been very close but when she started dating I think she pulled back a little, I guess so as to not overshare. If it happens, try not to take it personally. It took a little adjusting but we let each other take the lead. I’d generally ask how things were going and she would talk about it but stop if she sensed I wanted to change the subject. I agree with others that you just have to treat it as you would a good friend, but if you start to feel uncomfortable at any point, don’t be afraid to draw your boundaries. Actually, maybe a better example would be a work friend, not a friend friend.
I still remember when my mom started getting serious with my stepfather and we were in a Victoria’s Secret — I just had to walk away and start testing every lotion they had in the store so she wouldn’t ask me my opinion on any underwear. Ultimately, I haven’t always had the easiest time of it with my stepfather once they married (too crazy and too long a story) but he makes my mom laugh and I feel better knowing that I don’t have to worry about her being alone on New Year’s Eve or on holiday weekends, and it really is such a comfort.
I would just focus on being supportive. It can’t be easy for anyone to start dating after a spouse dies, and especially so if she’s only been with your dad her whole adult life. Try to be there for her as much as you can while still respecting your own feelings about all this. It’s normal to wish for your mom to be happy and to feel a pang of discomfort with what it would take for her to get there. Be compassionate to both of you.
Monday
Thank you, AIMS. This is helpful.
Brant
Can I ask how you got her back into it? My mom divorced my dad (mutual parting of the ways, if ever a thing existed) when they were in their early 50s. Dad was a brokenhearted sad sack for a while, but started dating a year or so after the dust cleared. While I’m not wild on it conceptually (because I’m a bad daughter), he’s got a fairly serious girlfriend, and, importantly, he’s happy.
Meanwhile, my mom is an all-the-time pity party. She’s the one that initiated the divorce, she’s the one that disrupted everything, and she hasn’t even made an effort to get back out there–it’s like she’s resigned herself to living off alimony and living like an elderly widow (ie unwilling to date- not trying to stereotype, but it’s how she comes across). She doesn’t like her job, doesn’t like where she lives, won’t date anyone, and just complains about everything, all the time. It’s like she thought my dad was the problem so she up and divorced him, and WHOOPS, it’s actually her all along.
Long winded way of saying: HOW TO I GET HER A MAN? My siblings and I are tired of being her stand-in husband for almost 6 years now.
Monday
This wasn’t my mission at all. She’d always sworn up and down that she’d never date again, and still wears her wedding band everywhere. I was totally silent on it–respecting her decision and never saying that I thought it was pretty unlikely that she’d actually stick to it. She simply got asked out and decided not to say no. I’m sorry about your being the “stand-in husband”–and I totally get it–but it sounds like this isn’t on you and your siblings any more than it was on your Dad. She’ll be done with the pity party whenever she’s done with the pity party.
saac n mama
So she’s found out she has other issues. Maybe you could get her started on working on those. Or maybe she just needs to curl up in a fetal position for a while and do a nice stretch when she’s done and ready to rejoin the human race.
SoCalAtty
I’m a bad daughter too. After my parents split up (when I was about 1, so I don’t even remember), both of them dated a never ending stream of people. Dad’s haven’t been TOO bad, and there was one that I REALLY wanted him to marry (but he blew it, and at least they are still really good friends and I get to hang out with her frequently), but this most recent one takes the cake. She’s only 4 years older than me…just barely 36…and it grosses me out a little. She’s very nice and we get along just fine, but there is definitely an “ew” factor when it is a parent! He just proposed, too – and announced it via FB without warning anyone!
To the OP, just be there for her and help her navigate the text / internet implications of dating. It is a little much, I don’t think I could handle it if I had to get back out there!
Brant – I get the “stand in dad” think all too well. A few years ago my FIL fell from his roof while he was working on replacing it, and he has been in a vegetative state ever since. My husband has 3 younger siblings, but he is the “responsible” party and MIL has basically made him the replacement husband. We’re slowly setting up boundaries (TTC soon) but it is really rough. Pity party will be over when it’s over…harsh to say, but we’re going on 3.5 years…of course there are lots of other issues with mine (keep feeding tube indefinitely or not?) that keep the issue alive, but it’s hard.
saacnmama
A friend of mine married in her early 20s and had 2 sons fairly soon. She’s now regretting it because, while she’s preparing for her 40th birthday bash, her husband is nearing 70. I suppose your dad and his sweetie are already at that stage, but if he’s in relatively good health, has she considered the years when he’s not ready for serious health care, but is clearly failing and needs assistance? I’m watching that with my parents now. They’re both in their 70s, he’s only 4 years older, but she has to help him with certain small things, and it is agonizing. Can’t imagine trapping oneself in that for decades.
Yes, I know it’s unlikely she’ll listen to you, just thought I’d mention it.
Julie
Sorry if this is a double post … comment got eaten by moderation.
Styling Q … well actually two.
1. I bought this skirt from BR in the camel color and really like it, but I’m not sure what I could wear it with other than an ivory top. I have one, but I would like to have a broader range of things to wear with it so I could wear it more often. Any suggestions on other colors to wear it with? http://bananarepublic.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=3263000120008&cid=26498&locale=en_US
2. I also bought this dress from nordstrom to wear to my daughter’s christening. Really like it for that purpose but I’m wondering if there’s a way to wear it to work. Maybe swap out the belt and add a blazer? Or is this definitively a non-work appropriate dress? Thoughts? http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/ellen-tracy-pleated-fit-flare-dress/3496301?origin=wishlist
I'm Just Me
Camel skirt:
ivory
black
navy
yellow
reds
corals
bright blues
bright greens
light greens
Camel is one of those colors that goes with so many things that it is hard to think of a color it does not go with.
Julie
Sorry if this is a double post … comment keeps getting eaten by moderation.
Styling Q … well actually two.
1. I bought the “Geo dot pencil skirt” from BR in the camel color (posting with the link keeps getting eaten by moderation) and really like it, but I’m not sure what I could wear it with other than an ivory top. I have one, but I would like to have a broader range of things to wear with it so I could wear it more often. Any suggestions on other colors to wear it with?
2. I also bought the Ellen Tracy Pleated Fit and Flare dress in ivory from nordstrom to wear to my daughter’s christening. Really like it for that purpose but I’m wondering if there’s a way to wear it to work. Maybe swap out the belt and add a blazer? Or is this definitively a non-work appropriate dress? Thoughts?
Bonnie
The skirt in camel is really a neutral. I’d wear it with warmer reds and blues. The print seems fairly subdued so I’d even wear it with patterned shirts with a twinge of camel or beige. I would wear the dress to work and think you can anchor it with any fitted cropped blazer. Switching out the belt would make it look less feminine and more businessy too
Susie
Those are both beautiful pieces and I would think totally work-appropriate for most offices. I’m not the greatest with styling, but I can see the skirt with a coral top and neutral cardi or blazer. More A-line or flared dresses I usually wear with a cardigan.
Gus
I have a hard time seeing the dress in a professional office. The skirt is pretty full, and reads party dress to me (though elegant party dress, and totally appropriate for a christening). A cardi wouldn’t be enough to make it look professional, I think you’d need a blazer, but it’s hard to get the proportions right on putting a blazer over a dress with a full skirt.
Julie
Dear Everyone Who Saw This Comment Post Three Times:
I am very sorry for how annoying that is. I really did wait several hours to see if it would post in between re-posting. My apologies, and thanks to everyone who responded with great advice.
:-)
Task Rabbit Review
Hi ‘r e t t e s! SoCalAtty here…
On the recommendation of a few of you, I tried out the Task Rabbit site. I needed a new person to clean my house that could also do things like organizing, and, maybe later on down the road, personal assistant type things like picking up dry cleaning. I put in a really detailed description and got 7 bids back.
The person I selected came for the first time today. I couldn’t be there, but my husband was there to meet her and give her the tour and get her started. She did the standard cleaning, but I also have turned her loose on my house to organize the poor thing. We have a label maker, so she picked that right up and organized all of the bins in my bathroom and put labels on them! She’s also the same price my last cleaners were ($100 / week) and it looks like she is going to be a much better fit.
I also really like being able to pay using my credit card through Task Rabbit. Sure, TR takes a cut, but I at least get the points and don’t have to remember to leave a check!
ExcelNinja
I sunburned my butt today. That’s my contribution to this weekend’s open thread, so I can subscribe and read all the comments :)
a.
I’m so jealous you were in a position to sunburn your butt. I don’t think I’ve seen the sun in about two weeks.
Anonymous
I’ve seen the sun but it was nowhere near warm enough for the sun to see any part of my butt!
Excel Ninja – I hope your sunburn isn’t making you too uncomfortable today!
cbackson
What is this “sun” you speak of???
Cb
Wait, there is sun somewhere? Where? I did my workout in the snow today.
ExcelNinja
It got up to 87 yesterday in the Bay Area!
Art classes in DC?
Very specific question, but I have decided I need a hobby, and in high school I loved watercolor classes. It was always the most relaxing part of my day. Does anyone know of a place for beginner art classes in DC? Somewhat affordable would be fantastic!
Bonnie
Check out casaitalianaschool.org They have a great painting class where you learn at your own speed.
OP Here
Thanks!
The Slapdash Sewist
In case you’re still reading, I took watercolor classes through the Arlington Artists’ Alliance for several years with friends. The classes were fun and low pressure. Unfortunately, they were not metro accessible, which is partly why I ultimately stopped taking them (got rid of my car). I haven’t checked their offerings lately; they might have better locations now. If you want a more serious art class, the Corcoran has non-degree art classes. One of my watercolor friends is a true artist and she took an oil class at the Corcoran that she really liked.
Sorta sad?
So, I exercise as a way to relieve stress, and I found out yesterday I strained my rotator cuff and so I can’t do anything that I was doing (HIIT and bodyweight stuff, lots of fast moves and planks and pushups–it’s a well-known program with non-stop infomercials on some cable providers). I had done this program a couple times through with no problems until my shoulder just quit on me. My doctor and I couldn’t figure out one factor that caused the strain (and ensuing pain/inflammation) and so we’re not sure how long the recovery is going to be. Having failed to listen to my body when it was telling me “skip today, something ain’t right” and gotten burned (I did the same thing with shin splints a couple years ago), I’m being super serious about rehabbing this shoulder. I’m cleared for running (you know, as long as I don’t swing my arms like Usain Bolt), elliptical with passive pushing/pulling on the bars, and stuff like stationary (ery?) bike, obviously. I went to the gym and did some of that today and it was fine, but…
But I’ve been sad ever since it started hurting because I knew it was more than just a sore muscle and I’d have to scale back my workouts. I’ve had a long standing struggle with seeing my body for what it is (i.e., not at all overweight, but I feel like I am now, which logically I know is untrue) that got much better when I was working out hardcore all the time (like 5-6 days a week for two years). Plus, I’m in law school and a sometimes insomniac, and working out hard does double duty of helping me work through the stress and also healthier sleeping patterns, sans medication. And oh, I’m about to start studying for the bar and I can’t imagine losing my best stress outlet for the summer. So I’m sad because a) my favorite workouts are off limits for a while, possibly a longggg while and b) I’ve realized that I have a serious disconnection with reality and how my body looks that was masked by the workouts that made me too tired to care. I think the right word is dysmorphia?
So tl;dr, anybody with a busted shoulder have non-shoulder-y workouts they like (because yoga is also off-limits for a while, which was my FAVORITE light-day activity) and anybody have any commiseration/advice for when your jerkbrain tells you lies about your body? I “know” it’s lying to me, but I keep hearing it anyway. :(
De
There’s an instructor at my gym who I believe had shoulder surgery recently. She’s clearly taking some time from teaching classes, but she’s working her butt off, wearing her shoulder brace, in every non-yoga class I go to, every day of the week. She just modifies everything, for example, when we do squats with raising weights (I don’t know the real terms, sorry!) she just does squats holding a weight in her good hand. Can you do some similar exercises, but modified? Are you in physical therapy, where maybe they can show you how to modify some traditional work out routines?
Plan B
Sorry to hear this; I know how frustrating it is to be injured and how disappointing it is when you find out something is worse than you thought/hoped.
Is your doctor sending you to physical therapy? I’ve had a torn rotator cuff as well as a strain, and for both (after surgery, for the torn one), physical therapy was key to getting me back on track as well as helping me learn exercises that will keep me strong and hopefully prevent future injuries. As for workouts, what about Pilates? I’ve taken some classes that weren’t too shoulder-intensive, and you can always tell the instructor that you have a shoulder injury and may need to modify some of the routine.
Good luck! I hope you heal quickly.
Sorta sad?
I’m not in physical therapy as of yet. Hopefully it won’t come to that. I have a couple resistance bands laying around and the doc showed me a couple things to do with those once I’ve let it rest for a week or so (and I’ve been icing like crazy, which has helped a lot). Thankfully there’s no tear, just a strain, so lots of rest should keep it from getting worse…I hope. And doing the ice and stuff the doc suggested. One of the things that contributed to the injury was, we were speculating, the fact that the workouts I was doing build up your pecs/lats/delts/biceps but don’t hit the triceps as hard as needed in comparison. I had actually noticed that and lo and behold…
Pilates might work. I used to have a VHS (lol, okay, it was my mom’s) of a Pilates routine I really liked…I should try and find it again. Coach Laura (I see you down there!) the pretend tri is sorta what I had in mind for my gym days. Good call. Maybe this is the time I finally try running outside?
Thanks for the kind words, ladies, I really appreciate it. :)
Plan B
Don’t think of PT as a bad thing – think of it as a way to workout and get stronger! My physical therapist has gotten me through shin splints, IT band problems, plantar fasciitis, both shoulder injuries (which happened in different ways), and a sprained ankle/broken foot. While I still manage to find something else to injure, she always teaches me things that make me stronger with respect to the problem at hand.
And icing is great. I use my moji knee wrap almost every day.
Sorta sad?
Oh I’ve been before too, for a couple things, and it was tremendously helpful, but the funding and time are both a little short for that at the moment. ;)
S
PT is awesome. Really. Do it! You’ll heal so much better and be doing targeting exercises the whole time. My PT is covered by my insurance and my co-pay is reasonable. It’s actually cheaper than the gym (if you can freeze your membership during PT)
rosie
+1 for PT. I would cut back in other areas (both time and money) to be able to do it. In addition to helping with recovery, it makes me feel like I’m actually doing something good for myself rather than having a pity party of one.
anon
have you tried blogilates dot com workouts? Lots of abs and lower body workouts that shouldn’t involve your shoulder. They *look* easy, but I’ve finished Insanity a few times, and a 10-minute blogilates abs workout is still humbling.
a.
OMG thank you so much for posting that link! I didn’t bring any of my core workout DVDs with me to Spain, and I’ve been searching in vain for some good, free online workout videos. That looks like exactly what I’ve been looking for!
Kanye East
Two things:
1. Be patient. I wrecked my rotator cuffs decades ago from overtraining (swimmer). Yours probably isn’t as bad as mine were, but it took many years (actually, decades) for the pain and discomfort to go away.
2. Lats. If you have above-average mobility in your shoulders (are you very flexible?), you’ve likely got less stability than most people, and things (especially the head of the humerus) literally slide around within the joint and bang on other things. I’ve found that good shoulder mechanics start with engaging and “packing” your lats. Whatever you’re doing in terms of strength training–whether it’s pull-ups with 45-lb plates around your waist or basic rehab exercises with a yellow TheraBand–keep your lats engaged and your shoulders “down.” The stronger your lats, the more stable your entire shoulder girdle will be, and the less load you’ll be putting on your rotator cuffs.
Need to Improve
I tore my rotator cuff from overtraining too. If you are not at the point of needing physical therapy, then I think you absolutely can do yoga if you are careful about modifying. I would go see a pt for one visit so you can talk about safe and unsafe exercises. You don’t need to go repeatedly, but they can talk to you about what to do and not to do. You do not have to give up yoga.
Anonymous
Are you in PT yet? I have sort of perma-shoulder injuries (swimmer and my sports med dr. says I’m “loosely put together” so mot of my joints are always messed up) and PT was pretty awesome. And not just for the heat/massage /icing paid for by insurance. I was in training for an open water swim at the time and they helped me modify my workout. It ended up being a lot of eliptical, but I did plenty of weights though mostly legs. Seated leg press instead of squats and lots of core work. Also, because of the way my shoulder was messed up, I could still do things like seated chest presses (though not shoulder presses). A really good physical therapist will help you come up with a safe exercise routine that will help you build strength and keep you interested. Also once you’re better, lot’s of people I know with shoulder injuries have gone into doing pilates (like my tennis playing FIL), apparently it’s better for shoulders than yoga.
If you’re in NYC, I went to NY Sports Med and loved them
JadeMoon
Anon, I hope you get this. I’m writing this at 4 am east coast time.
My orthopod also told me I was “loosely” put together, but ten years on, we’ve learned I have a genetic illness called Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. It is a connective tissue disorder — I lack an enzyme or protein or something that works with your tendons and ligaments. I have had numerous shoulder dislocations, torn or overstretched knee and shoulder ligaments, multiple sprained ankles and now my hips. The torn shoulder ligament and the frequently dislocating shoulder were the worse, pain-wise, and the torn acl was not so fun either. It is incurable and the only sports you can do are water exercises — I can’t even walk or hike. Also, plenty p.t..
My early-in-life symptoms were that I was highly, highly flexible — to the extent I could do circus-tricks with my body. Forearms flat on the ground while standing up — legs around my neck with my feet crossed etc. Very fun and attention-getting when I was a kid, but actually signs of EDS.
Anyway, I hope you are just extra loose, and not suffering from a genetic disorder.
good luck to you!
cbackson
I’m a recovered anorexic, and a serious runner. In the past, when I was injured and unable to run, I would go through period of fairly intense depression and unhappiness with my body. Finally, I came to terms with the fact that the problem was more than “I can’t work out and that sucks.” It’s really good that you realize that exercise was, in essence, how you were managing some complicated feelings about your body – that’s hard to come to terms with. Others have offered great suggestions on workout-y stuff but I think the most important thing is that you’ve been given (okay, forced into) a confrontation with how you feel about your body and exercise. That’s *hard*, but it’s also incredibly important.
What has helped me to get to a healthier place in my relationship to exercise is breaking the destructive thought patterns that I had – that feeling that, after skipping one workout, I was already less in shape; the endless stream of “what if I can’t run for months? what if I can never run again?”. I ended up using techniques I’d learned in cognitive behavioral therapy to do that. It would be worth considering a few sessions with a CBT therapist, who can help you learn how to re-train your mind out of that kind of negative self-talk.
This is a hard thing – good for you for realizing that was what was going on, and good luck in tackling it.
Sorta sad?
Thanks for the kind words cb. Thankfully, I apparently did make some good progress in the couple years where the problem was being masked–it just reared its ugly head again this week. In the past (say two years ago) if this had happened I would have a full out meltdown instead of the comparatively little pityfest I’ve had the last few days. I’m trying to find the good bits to this, really, first world problem I have (oh no, my mostly healthy body is slightly injured and I can’t workout FOR FUN) and this tough realization was probably the biggest positive in the long run…a good reminder to keep fighting off the cyclical jerkbrain self-talk that takes me totally off the rails. I do have some good tools stored away to fight that kind of brain spiral, and I’d been letting it all slip for a while out of laziness or lack of self-awareness or something. Maybe it’s a crappy way for me to realize that I have this issue still, but I’m glad I know it’s there and have some strategies to fight it.
Coach Laura
To Sorta Sad- sorry about your shoulder. I understand the frustration.
What about training for a pretend triathalon? Exercise bike/spinning class one day, running another and swimming (hold a kickboard with your arms, propel with legs only) the next. Or take up hiking on the weekend/days off?
You could also take mediation/yoga classes. I practice a form of meditation and use it when I can’t sleep at night. I’ve seen DVDs/CDs by Jon Kabat-Zinn recommended.
And visualize rest as healing – just what your body needs. Good luck!
Anonymous NYer
Hi hive, happy weekend!
Hopefully fun topic for people: I’m heading to Ireland in may, with short jaunts to Paris and Rome in there too. Total trip is about 2 weeks, so somewhat of a whirlwind European tour. 2 big questions:
1) what on earth do I wear on my feet for this? I’m trying to avoid sneakers, but we will be walking long ways in order to see everything in the limited amt of time we’ll have, so I have to have comfort and support. I dont do heels, and have fairly problem feet that get blisters/cuts if you look at them wrong. Also, the weather in Ireland I imagine will be quite different from Rome, but I’ll be packing as light as possible. Heavy duty sandals? Suck it up and wear sneakers? Any recommendations will be greatly appreciated. I’m not opposed to buying something new if I have to, so links please!
2) what in these cities can we not miss? I’ll be with family and we’ve never been to these places before. If you had 48 to 60 hours in Paris/Rome what would you do? Touristy is totally fine. (We’ll have much longer in Ireland, but recs for that are also welcome).
Thanks in advance!
k-padi
For Ireland, don’t miss Dingle. It’s a peninsula on the western edge of Ireland. Very fun. We followed Rick Steve’s Guide.
In Rome, check out St Clemente. It’s a basilica on top of a 4th century church on top of a mithraic temple. Very very cool.
M-C
If you only have 48h in Paris or Rome, seeing something specific isn’t really necessary – if I were you I’d just walk around and take in the city, that’s a lot more fun than queueing for some tourist thing which will make you miss out on the whole thing..
ss
Agree with M-C.
In Paris, a couple of great walks would be from the Eiffel Tower to the Louvre, taking in the riverside, the Tuileries garden, the Palais Royale, the Louvre’s courtyards and the romantic little Pont des Arts, and from the Notre Dame to the Marais, taking in the ile St Louis, place des Vosges, the cool little shopping streets of the Marais and perhaps getting as far as the Canal St Martin.
In Rome, 2 great walks would be from Capitoline hill to piazza del Popolo, taking in the ghetto, the Trevi fountain and the Spanish steps, and from St. Peter’s to piazza Navona, taking in castel Sant’Angelo, the Pantheon and the boutiques on via Governo Vecchio.
Resist all temptation to go into any of these sights – you’ll just get frustrated with the queues and the visual overload. If you must, the Pantheon in Rome is probably the most rewarding stop – no ticketing and an awe-inspiring single space that doesn’t need special attention to appreciate. But have some back-up for rainy days – spring weather is not at all reliable.
Do make a point of stopping for a sit-down lunch to balance out the sight-seeing/ sensory over-load, particularly if you have kids or older folks with you. Paris is well-covered by English-language food blogs where you can search by location to find something on your route – try Paris By Mouth as a start. In central Rome, I like enoteca Corsi, a rough but cheery trattoria near the Gesu church.
But you know, my 2 cents is that this whirlwind approach has a lot of potential to be expensive and stressful, with a lot of time spent waiting at and getting to and fro airports. Why not Paris or Rome, not both ?
Finally, what’s wrong with sneakers ? I like old-school Adidas and Puma ones in bright colours, and would happily wear them with jeans and a blazer to any of the places I’ve mentioned above. I’d take at least 2 reliable pairs, regardless of how lightly i’m packing, to allow for rainy days and time to dry out anything that gets really wet. I’d avoid sandals though – reckon May in northern Europe is too cold for them – and wouldn’t take brand-new shoes on a trip with a lot of walking.
Safe and happy travels !
Cb
I love the pumas but the last suede pair I bought (same style / size as my old ones) were viciously uncomfortable. I’d like something a bit sleeker than my chucks but I’m too paranoid it will happen again.
a
Lots of great advice, but I have to disagree with the advice not to go into any of the sites in Rome! It’s one of my favorite cities in the entire world, and while the amount of tourists can be overwhelming…there is nothing in the world like strolling through the EFFING ROMAN FORUM. Again: WALKING THROUGH THE ROMAN FORUM. Gives me goosebumps every time. But then I’m an admittedly huge history nerd :) And a pro tip, if you don’t want to wait in line, use the entrance to the Palatine. If you’re standing between the Colosseum and the Forum, face the Arch of Constantine, walk past it, and continue 200-300m down the road; the entrance is on your right. I have never (in 4-5 visits, three in high summer) seen a line, and you can easily walk through it right into the Forum, waving at the fools in its two-hour line. The Palatine itself is pretty great as well, especially the Domus Aurea, where you can actually walk inside one of Nero’s palaces. (Again: OMG.)
My other Roman must-do is the Galleria Borghese. It has several Caravaggios (personal favs from their collection: David with the Head of Goliath and St. Jerome) and Berninis (all of them), not to mention works from such lightweights as Titian, Cranach the Elder, Raphael, and Rubens. It’s a bit out of the way from the main tourist drag, but absolutely worth it–hands-down my favorite art museum in the world.
But other than that, my biggest piece of advice would be to not get so caught up in pounding the pavement that you don’t enjoy leisurely, wine-soaked (if that’s your thing) lunches, a gelato or three or seven (my picks: Gelateria del Teatro, which is on Governo Vecchio, and Gelateria di San Crispino, near the Pantheon), a coffee in a piazza. There’s so much to see in Rome that you will never get to it all, whether you’re there for 48 hours or five months. So I’d figure out what’s important to you (art? architecture? classical history? stalking every Michaelangelo altarpiece in the city? food? wine? Versace?), do some homework, and focus on the things you, personally, are most interested in.
Equity's Darling
I only spent a week in Rome, but definitely agree re: Galleria Borghese- my favourite day in Rome, and possibly one of the most memorably days of my life ever, involved packing a picnic of sorts, renting a bike and going around the Villa Borghese, reading a book and falling asleep on the grass, then the Galleria Borghese, then walking over to the Spanish Steps for sunset and a long lazy delicious dinner with what must have been a litre of wine each at some hole in the wall restaurant recommended by the people running the pensione I stayed at. So perfect.
a
Now THAT is how one travels :) We are traveling soul-sisters. I know some people like it, but I really can’t handle relentless sightseeing. I need wine and naps and semi-aimless exploring.
Homestar
This. Loved the Borghese.
Cb
I know other people would disagree but I wear comfy ballet flats and converse. I have a pair of puma ballet flats that I can walk all day in. Maybe because I live here and my feet are well-trained (or used to the abuse) that cobblestones inflict.
I figure people live / work in these cities without needed to wear specialist shoes.
Calibrachoa
Well this has been an eventful weekend for me… on Thursday myself and the Taller Half got into a breakup-worthy spat. He said he was sick of my mood swings and I blew a gasket at his percieved indifference. Words were exchanged. He said he needs to think about our relationship and i was like “FINE!”… cue staying up till 8 am listening to Cure and Joy Division and Adele. Come Friday I sent him an e-mail detailing which of his specific behaviors over the past weeks have been triggering “mood swings” and texted him to go read it. Got a call from him soon after and he asked if he could come over…. he’d already planned on calling me and asking me if he could see me. there was a lot of apologies and a lot of “wow we fail at communication” but end result is that we spent some amazing time together and will try seriously to communicate better and are definitely not broken up.
Dude did the dishes both when I cooked and when he cooked. if that doesn’t say a keeper, nothing does.
Calibrachoa
and i have no idea how that ended up there 0.o
Anonymous
I endorse the no-sneaker goal; I have had good luck on walking intensive city holidays with Keens and Merrells. both companies make cute flats and Mary Jane styles that you can wear with a variety of clothes, but will also give your feet good support. Have fun!
saacnmama
Clarks.
Anonchitect
Oooh, but if you do want to take the advice above and wear sneakers, buy yourself some Bensimons while you’re in Paris!
mamabear
I can’t give you advice on Ireland, Paris or Rome, but I have All The Advice on shoes.
If you want something good for walking but not an outright sneaker, check out the hybrid mary jane / sneaker styles offered by Merrell, Keen, Jambu, Ahnu etc. If you get a color other than white they will not look as inappropriate as puffy white sneakers, you will be able to wear them with casual skirts/dresses in addition to pants, and you will end up packing fewer pairs of shoes, which we know are HEAVY.
I would spend some time breaking them in before your trip. 2 hours around the house one day. A trip to the mall the next, a really long walk outside the next day. Get your feet used to them.
I would personally head to a good walking shoe store to try different brands, but if you decide to order online, order a bunch of styles from a place with free return shipping, and wear each pair for ~2 hours inside before you decide which pair is best.
I’m the voice of experience on this, needless to say!
Anonymous NYer
OP here – awesome advice, thanks! Our mantra for the trip is that we’re not going inside anything with a line. Love the tip about the side entrance to the forum, will def check that out. We’re doing this short whirlwind tour because this is going to be my moms one and only European trip. My dad hates travel, and it’s one of my moms big regrets that she’s not gotten to do much traveling, so she wants to see as much as possible. Also, I’m leaving my home area for a big job change about a week after the trip, so this is kind of a last opportunity for awhile to do something like this. My sister is studying abroad this semester, so my mom and I are going to meet up after her semester is over. It looks like we’ll have 48 hours in Paris and more like 72 in Rome, so I’m thankful for your advice on the hotspots.
As for shoes – I took mamabears and others advice and just ordered 3 pairs of sneakerish flats recommended for walking in black. I think I wound up ordering a pair of Keens, Clark’s, and a new balance. I wanted something I’d def wear again, and a black pair of comfy flats can be dressed up or down as needed. All had good reviews for longer distance walking.
Thanks again, and keep the advice/tips coming if you think of anything else!
mamabear
Hey OP, check out the review for this style – I don’t know whether this is too sneaker looking for you,
http://www.planetshoes.com/item/ecco-biom-lite-1.3-mary-jane/16940/q53
I’m online looking for shoes for a similar purpose :) Added twist is that mine have to accommodate an orthotic.
(If I’ve never mentioned it before, getting old sucks.)
mamabear
And here’s another style with great reviews for travel (only good for warm season though, with the open sides)
http://www.zappos.com/ahnu-karma-black-nappa?zlfid=111&recoName=zap_pdp_sub
Anon for this
Ugh. I know this isn’t a fertility blog, but I just want to vent. I was super I was pregnant this month. Lots of nausea and other symptoms. But nope. Here’s prayin for next month.
Anyone have advice for relaxing through this process rather than obsessing over every symptom?
AIMS
All my pregnancy experience has been in avoiding it, so take this with a grain of salt, but what about scheduling things that are definitely not for the pregnant so that you can focus on the fun stuff you can do before the pregnancy? Book a wine and cheese tasting, attend a sushi making class or just try some new sushi restaurants, go hiking, make margaritas, etc. I am sure it’s difficult to “just relax” but I think shifting the focus to other things might help you think about it a bit less.
saacnmama
I’m wondering about your “other symptoms”. It’s been so long since I paid attention to the curves of various hormones that increase and decrease during your cycle that I can’t remember quite how it’s supposed to go, but I do know that at times I’ve had “pregnancy” symptoms when I definitely was not because my hormones were out of whack, which meant that ovulation wasn’t happening when it ordinarily would. Point of that run-on sentence is that if you keep feeling preggo when you aren’t, maybe it isn’t just wishful thinking and you should get it checked out. In the meantime, go for a hike, eat some chocolate, and follow AIMS advice.
Need to Improve
Avoid TTC forums. They are a black hole of doom and gloom. I read them for a little while and I found myself beginning to worry about things that were not actually a problem. Do not direct additional attention to the process by spending your spare time reading about it.
The truth is that it is normal for it to take a while so you should go in assuming the average six to twelve month wait depending on your age. If you can accept that as fact then it is easier to understand that nothing is “wrong” when it does not happen right away.
That said, it is not easy and I hear your frustration! It took me longer than I thought it would to get pregnant, and waiting was really hard. I too obsessed over symptoms–do my b–bs hurt? am I short of breath?
Before TTC, I was used to the mindset “this is my goal. I need to take steps A B and C to achieve it.” Getting pregnant sort of works that way, except you never know when you will get the desired outcome. I have always been a type A overachiever, and it was frustrating for me to accept not being able to get what I wanted, so I directed that to obsessing over the process. Stopping that pattern was a lesson in patience and letting go of getting to control and direct things. So I guess my best advice is to think about accepting and letting go which is really a good practice for when you have a kid. It will happen for you eventually one way or the other!
Need to Improve
PS: I made a rule about when I could test. I would say I could not think about “symptoms” until I tested, and I could not test until 12 days after I ovulated. 14 would have been better but I did not have the patience. For months I tested religiously at 12 days. It was easier for me not to focus on symptoms when I knew there was a rule in place about when I would get to find out.
The month I got pregnant, I had decided to “give up” and I did not test at all. I was having all the symptoms, but I said “don’t think about your symptoms, you are not pregnant anyway.” I so convinced myself to block off that obsessive part of my brain that I was 6 weeks pregnant (period was 2 weeks late) before I tested. I think of it as the universe’s way of teaching me a lesson. The month I decided to give up and stop overthinking, I got knocked up.
goldribbons
I know you’re not looking for reading material, but you’ve seen everyone on here recommend Taking Charge of Your Fertility and The Impatient Woman’s Guide to Getting Pregnant, right? Also, if you’re taking prenatal vitamins (or any other kind of vitamins for that matter) in the morning, they can make you nauseous, so maybe take then with a large meal in the evening instead. Finally, check in with your doc and possibly an endocrinologist to make sure all your hormones are doing the right things. Good luck!!
mad
Earlier this year, I applied for a prestigious, competitive fellowship. I spent over 50 hours on the very complicated application, which I submitted online. The only way to submit was online. Notification was supposed to happen “sometime in March” and interviews were going to happen “sometime in March or April.” I struggled to keep my schedule flexible for the entire months of March and April to accommodate this vague timeline. I have been waiting and waiting to hear from the fellowship, checking my voicemail, email, and snail mail several times per day. Finally today I emailed a friend who was a past fellow. She directed me to a website that had an undated announcement saying that only finalists were notified and if you were not notified, you were not a finalist.
I am (1) sad that I didn’t get an opportunity to interview, and (2) appalled that this organization could not bother to send even a mass email to unsuccessful applicants.
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
mama of 2
That’s such a disappointment. I’m sorry. And how galling that they aren’t even professional enough to let you know directly.
FWIW, I had a similar experience with a prestigious fellowship back in college and still carry a (small) grudge :)
Williams Sonoma?
We just got a $200 gift card to Williams Sonoma. I’ve never been there and don’t know what to look at. We need plenty of stuff, like table cloths, towels, casual china, new pillows. Any recommendations on good bang for the buck there? Website seems pretty expensive….
NOLA
I’ve gotten Calphalon pots there but you can get that sort of thing so much cheaper elsewhere. Or good knives. My best buys at W-S have been serving platters and lunch plates. My dishes are cobalt blue and I got the cutest lunch plates that are white with blue rims and fleur de lis on sale at W-S.
HappyHoya
You could sign up for emails and wait for a sale. Williams Sonoma is not inexpensive but they do storewide/sitewide sales fairly often- there’s a 15% off entire purchase going on now for email subscribers. 10% happens fairly frequently and 20-25% happens a few times a year. Our Apilco dishes are from Williams Sonoma and I think they were a great value. They’re versatile (all white)- so we only have one set, and they’ve held up great- no utensil marks, let alone chips or grazing, and we’re not gentle on dishes. They have a lot of beautiful dishes and serving pieces in the white french porcelains. You can also make your gift certificate go further by buying just the pieces you need and not buying complete place settings (who needs 8-12 mugs, really?). If you’re looking to use the gift card for more of a splurge item and you have any interest in cooking, perhaps a nice specialty piece of cookware that you wouldn’t normally buy yourself- a pressure cooker, dutch oven, good slow cooker- whatever fits with how you cook.
Greener Apple
My white dishes from WS have lasted for more than fifteen years, which makes me happy. I’m not as fond of their tableclothes–I have a few, but the patterns look a little fussy/formal to me.
What do you like to cook/bake? I buy a lot of utensils at WS–and they’re doing 20% off today.
If you’re looking for larger items, I really love my convection oven (Breville) and juicer (Hurom).
rosie
Gold touch bakeware–amazing.
You can use the gift cards at a WS outlet, so if there’s one near you, it’s worth checking out. It might stretch the credit a little bit.
anon
WS can be overpriced, but sometimes they do just have better quality stuff. Their melamine mixing bowl set is amazing. The stainless steel measuring cups and spoons are much thicker and really nice. If there is an item you use a lot while cooking, I would recommend looking at their version because I have found that they hold up really well.
Or just wait for Christmas and the peppermint bark.
mascot
Do you need any specialty kitchen gadgets? They have some harder to find pieces if you like those things. I’ve also lucked up on some sales for small appliances, seasonal decor and tools (mandoline, food processor and mini pie maker are some of the discounted stuff I found).
Lexi
Makeup for oversensitive skin?
Anyone have any advice on the best brand of makeup – preferably one with a counter at Nordstrom – for a caucasian with very sensitive skin aiming for a “natural” look?
All advice appreciated. I don’t wear makeup much; on days when I do, I wear a mineral foundation. Sadly, buffing with the brush seems to upset my skin.
mamabear
Depending on how sensitive your skin is, I would think Bobbi Brown, Trish McEvoy or Laura Mercier might work. I’d definitely go with a makeup artist line. Trish McEvoy’s husband is a dermatologist, so her stuff, especially skincare items, tends to be made with skin issues in mind.
EmilyD
I have sworn off cheap shoes, but over the weekend I bought these at Target. They’re weirdly comfortable and look much (though browner) than in the photo. No one will be mistaking them for real snakeskin, but they belie the $30 price tag.
http://www.target.com/p/women-s-merona-maye-pumps-grey/-/A-14277609#prodSlot=medium_1_4&term=merona+pumps
EmilyD
Oops, meant to say they look much NICER than in the photo.