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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 334 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread

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Riller & Fount OlympiaSomething on your mind? Chat about it here. 6pm's dress sale includes a lot of really cute pieces, both for work and play (including this great hot pink Karen Kane faux-wrap dress for $35, and this previously-recommended Michael Michael Kors navy sheath  for $29). For the weekend, though, I'm liking this casual Olympia dress, from Riller & Fount — the shoulder ruching, the braided waist, the simple jersey — like it all. I'd wear it to brunch with flats and a hat, and dress it up at night with some serious eye emakeup, heels, and a few sparkly bangles on the bare arm. It's marked to $29.99 (down from $165). Riller & Fount Olympia (L-4)

Sales of note for 9.10.24

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Comments

  1. Lynnet

    Is this dress work appropriate? I bought it at Loft last week, intending it to be a work dress, but my husband’s enthusiastic response when I tried it on for me made me think that maybe it isn’t appropriate for work. It hits almost exactly 2 inches above the knee, and makes me look about 20 pounds lighter than I am. It’s easily the most attractive dress I’ve ever owned.

    http://www.loft.com/wave-print-side-shirred-cap-sleeve-dress.shtml

    • Anonymous

      Cute! It would be fine at my business casual financial services workplace.

      • Ellen

        Business Causeual? Not at my firm. This dress would be all I need, wearing some thing withOUT a covered shoulder! FOOEY! Frank would be STAREING at me and telleing me that I should go strappless and then he would NEVER leave me alone.

        But YAY! It’s OPEN THREAD’S!!! I LOVE OPEN THREAD’S! And it’s weekend time. Tho I do NOT have a date yet, Rosa told Ed and Ed told Philip that he need NOT be so shy. Ed said that Philip is goieng to call about Sunday if he get’s tickets to some sporteing event. I do NOT know who is doeing what sport, but it has to be HERE IN NYC b/c I do NOT want to have to travel anywhere to see a bunch of men beateing each other up. FOOEY!

        Robert sent another picture, and again, without the shirt. What is he tryeing to prove, that he can go topless in Central Park on a Tractor? That does NOTHING for me and beleive me, no way is he ever going to see me, even in a batheing suit! That guy has GOT to go, I will tell Myrna. I do NOT need a naked wisk broom hangeing around a-nuzzeling me, no matter what releigeion he is! DOUBEL FOOEY!

          • Anonymous

            Do you even go here?

            :) Ellen always posts like this it is her (probably fake? maybe a dude?) thing

          • Anonymous

            Oh, I do! I don’t mind the yammering, but she’s yammering about the wrong dress.

    • Amber

      With the right conservative blazer or cardigan I would wear it on a Friday, certainly. That the model is wearing open-toed sandals makes me think it’s more casual wear though.

      • Lynnet

        The medium fits me perfectly and I’m usually a small on top and a large on bottom.

      • rosie

        I like the dress a lot, too, but a warning on their sizing: I am 5’8” and have never had a LOFT dress hit me anywhere close to a length that I would consider wearing to the office.

      • Anonymous

        I wear an 8-10 in Loft clothes and usually buy their M. I used to wear a 6 and bought the S. I’m 5’2″ and find the lengths to be a little long like everything else, which usually means an item like this, looking how it does on the model, will hit me just at the top of the knee, fine for work.

      • anonypotamus

        Thank you! I am going to the store after work to try on the medium. I’m guessing that will be the right size. I am prepared to have it be too short for work, but I’m in dire need of nicer non-work dresses and this seems to fit the bill perfectly (and if it works for work, all the better!) Thanks!

    • DAR

      I was confused at first…thought Lynett was going to wear Kat’s Olympia dress to work – yikes!

    • Gail the Goldfish

      I think it’s fine depending on your office. I tried it on a week or so ago in the store and would have bought it had they had it in a medium.

      For reference, I’m usually XS/S on top, S/M bottom and would have needed a medium in this. It was perhaps a tad too short for my 5’6″ frame-would have been fine on anyone shorter

    • chi squared

      I just bought the same dress (petite version), and am definitely planning to wear it to work (Big Law) with a cardigan or blazer and nude shoes. I agree – it is very flattering. I went and paid full price for another dress in the same style (the red and white striped one) b/c I liked this one so much.

    • M-C

      The picture looks fine, but the description says “clingy”. Have you managed to get a good look at yourself from the back??

  2. TBK

    Where was this week’s round-up of links to articles etc on other sites? I love those!

  3. Jenna Rink

    Any tips for making my BB cream last? I bough Clinique’s BB cream a few weeks ago, and it looks fab in the morning but by 1pm my face looks chalky. A second application mid-day seems excessive, and doesn’t blend well anyways. What am I doing wrong?

    • Anonymous

      Have you tried another brand of bb cream? imo the problem is it’s clinique – I use a l’Oreal one and have no problems with chalkiness or any other issues. I didn’t like clinique’s when I tried it. But if you want to use it up since you already bought it, maybe add a really great primer beneath it or mix a bit of foundation into it?

    • chocochat

      I apply a thin layer of translucent powder on top of the BB cream – it helps “set” the cream and make it last longer.

    • mamabear

      Chalky points to mineral sunscreens (titanium dioxide and zinc oxide.) I have the same issue with these sunscreens looking white and chalky after a while. I don’t know that much about BB creams, but maybe try a different BB cream or foundation with chemical sunscreen (like avobenzone) instead?

    • KinCA

      I blend my BB cream with Josie Maran’s Argan Oil Illuminator for a bit of a “glow”, and I find that helps it stay a little better.

      • Kanye East

        You can also blend it with moisturizer or tinted moisturizer, and then apply. That’s what I do if I want less coverage.

    • Jenna Rink

      Thanks for all the suggestions! I picked up some powder today and will try that tomorrow, and I think I have a sephora sample primer kicking around that I’ll give a try if the powder doesn’t help. I’ve never worn foundation before, but I’m noticing my skin needs a little help these days. I thought a BB cream would be a foolproof first step, but I guess there’s still room for error.

    • MU JD

      I set my L’oreal BB cream with Bare Minerals loose powder and it stays pretty well all day.

  4. Nan

    Ooh, I really don’t like this grey dress. I can’t imagine it being “dressed up” or even worn in public. It looks like pajamas, or something to wear while blow-drying or doing makeup after a shower.

    • Susie

      Ha, I think it’s cute for a casual weekend look but the model’s eyes are a bit creepy!

    • hoola hoopa

      The way the model is standing is really awkward, too. I like the dress, maybe not in heather grey though. I can see it at lots of summer events.

    • mamabear

      I looks like the model was invited to a toga party and decided to make a quick costume out of her jersey sheets.

    • Niktaw

      6pm pictures are the worst. I am sure the model is a very attractive woman, but she does look creepy almost all the time. And they only have a handful of models, so I imagine her trying to look alluring all day as she changes clothes a hundred times, and I just feel so sorry for her.

      I don’t like the dress at all, either. I wish the one-shoulder trend would just go away and take the excessive ruching with it.

  5. Alice

    Any recommendations for cognac-colored basic leather pumps for work? Bonus if good for medium-to-wide feet!

  6. Meredith Grey

    Hello everyone,

    Long time lurker here but I need some advice from people who are removed from this situation. A bit of background: I am a 32 year old lawyer with experience in a variety of areas. I have state and federal jury trial experience (I’ve won both of my solo trials) and a good deal of appellate experience in two states. I worked at one small firm in NYC for over 4 years but was laid off in summer 2011 because the firm was tanking. I had a hell of a time finding another job in my new state of MA (I moved because I thought there would be less competition), but 15 months later I found what I thought would be a good position at another small firm in the Boston area. I’ve now been here about six months, and and I’m MISERABLE. The partner I work for turned out to be a major a$$hole and a bully. He is also a huge mysogynist, and while I’m no prude, the way he talks with a current client (also a huge jackass) about women is making me sick. They repeatedly refer to female opposing counsel as “sl–” and “cu–” in front of me. One time I would brush off but this is over and over.

    This partner also has a plaque on his wall regarding his high ethical rating as an attorney – what a joke. I have evidence that he has overcharged clients on the bills. He also takes money from clients, hands the cases off to associates, and never speaks to the client who is then completely pissed off and difficult for the rest of us to deal with. I read a thread here the other day about a partner who smokes in his office and how awful it is – this guy also does that.

    The bottom line is that I desperately want to leave but am concerned about job searching so soon after I started a new position AFTER I had been unemployed for a significant period of time. I just don’t know how to explain it, whether to reference why I’m looking for a new job in cover letters, etc. In terms of type of work, I’m not doing as much writing as I’d like to be, so that is something to focus on. I know I’m smart and have solid experience – I’ve just never been in a good work environment and it makes me sad/angry. I was so upset about everything today that around 1:30 I told the office manager I was sick and had to leave for the day. I’m now sitting on my couch at home watching Grey’s Anatomy on Lifetime (hence the screen name). I’ve never done anything like that and it will only hurt me later but I just don’t care.

    Advice? Stories? Thanks.

    • rosie

      I don’t see the harm in looking for a new job. From what I’ve heard about job hopping, it’s when you are at several (i.e. 2-3) jobs for short periods of time, not necessarily when you have < 1 year at 1 job. That should be easier to explain.

      The sort of behavior you are describing would really bother me, too, and I don't blame you for wanting to leave or for taking some time away this afternoon (and I approve of your chosen activity, Dr. Grey). I think that being able to recognize when you've hit a certain point and taking steps to care for yourself is important.

      You say you've never been in a good work environment. Does that mean all your lawyer jobs have not been great for you, although you may have done well with them? Have you thought about a permanent clerkship? Just something about what you are saying–the environments you've been in, wanting to write, etc.–seems like that could be an option to explore .

    • TBK

      That sounds terrible. I’m so sorry. This cr@ppy economy is just sucking the life out of so many talented people. Have you been in Boston long enough to build up a good network? Or do you have any interest in going back to NY? I think this is the time to work your contacts because they know *you*, a real person with real talent and instead of just some chicken scratches on a piece of paper (aka a resume). If you can get someone to vouch for you, I think a potential employer would be entirely willing to look past the unemployment/short employment. Those speak to risk (is this person a problem? is there a reason she was unemployed? does she often leave jobs after six months?) and a personal contact at an employer could neutralize that risk. If you don’t have a network, I’d suggest you work on getting one. Bar associations, alumni events, other organizations (e.g., sports league, religious organization, music group — whatever you’re into). It might take awhile, but I think personal relationships will be your best bet. Especially as an outsider in Boston, which is notoriously provincial and clannish.

    • jcb

      I’m afraid I don’t have much advice for you, but just wanted to say I’m so sorry you are having to deal with a workplace like that! My God. Kudos to you for having the presence of mind to hold your tongue, I would have gotten myself fired after the first sl– or cu–. My first thought is that this guy probably has a terrible reputation around town, and that other practitioners who know him would understand why you would be looking so shortly after finding the position. Even those who don’t know him personally should be able to understand that “it is a very small office; I am assigned to work with just one partner and it has turned out to be a terrible fit” or something more artfully worded, perhaps, means that the partner you are saddled with is a disaster and you are smart enough to see that. Good luck! Enjoy your downtime!!

    • KLG

      I had a similar story. Worked for 4 years at a firm in a major metro area and was let go. Met my husband while unemployed and took the first job I was offered since I’ve been unemployed for 6 months. I knew from the interview that my new boss was full of himself and a bit of an a-hole but I reasoned that that is kind of par for the course for attorneys. What was not par for the course was him asking if female clients were hot, saying every other female lawyer was a B or crazy, looking out the window to a woman in the parking lot and saying “look at the @$$ on her!” He of course called all the secretaries “babe,” but apologized to me the one time he called me that (as if it’s okay to call them that but not me). He even called an elderly client of ours “babe.” If he had strayed to the words you mentioned, I would have walked right out the front door. I got a call offering me another job 10 months into my tenure with him and I immediately typed out a resignation letter and took it to him.

      During my job search while at his firm, very few people asked me why I was leaving there so quickly. I think most assumed that after 4 years at my first firm, I had simply landed somewhere that wasn’t a good fit. And FWIW, after I left, SO MANY PEOPLE have made comments about how my former boss is a jerk. I was like “where were these comments when I was contemplating whether I should interview with him????” So while I’m sure he has made nasty comments to others about me moving on so quickly, I seriously doubt it has impacted my image/reputation locally.

      • Meredith Grey

        Thanks for the replies. I did go to law school in Boston so I do have somewhat of a network here. I really have no desire to return to New York. Friends have tried to help me in the past when I was unemployed and it didn’t work but maybe now that I am employed and just want to move to a different place it will be better. It’s true that I wasn’t thrilled with the culture at my old firm either but I did do well there.

        I guess saying it isn’t a good fit is the honest truth.

      • Meredith Grey

        Also, to KLG, this guy says the same things about female clients, and he sometimes chastises himself jokingly when he does it in front of me, but it’s clear he doesn’t really care.

        • a.

          Wow. I just can’t even with that DOOSH. I am so, so sorry you’re having to deal with this. Not a lawyer so no help on the job search front, but I’ll be pulling for you to find something soon!

        • Lynnet

          In the meantime, I guess it would be unprofessional if you were to start making similar comments about your male clients?

      • Ellen

        Fooey to men like these. It is a TERIBLE thing when you have to work for peeople who are Dooshe’s, especialy men who are LAWYER’s and Should know better. DOUBEL FOOEY on these 2 looser’s.

        When I was in college, I got an INTERNESHIP in Washington DC during my Junior year and I was suposed to work 15 hours each week at a FEDERAL agency that gave out grant’s to low income organizeation’s around the USA. So I go there the first day, and my manager, Dylan, who was about 30 year’s old. All he did just about all day was to watch peeople out the window, and EVERY Time a cute woman walked by, he just yelled out a number, which was HIS way of rateing the women(7, 8, 9, 10 he said, and the WORST was when he said ” 10+”, meaneing that she was OFF THE CHART’s.) A compleate DOOSH!

        Dylan said to me he was NOT being mean b/c he NEVER called out any number for women who were less then 7 –in his mind meaning that they were NOT attractive, “only the beautie’s,” he said. FOOEY!

        I said to him and the ofice manager that this was VERY demeneing to ALL women, and mabye also the men and even peeople not even in the office, who onley heard him yelling out number’s.

        It was so dumb b/c he was just yelling out number’s, not anything else, but NOT ONE other person was yelling out number’s or listening or careing what he was numbering. It sounded like it was a bakery, but NO one was interested in buyeing his dirty cupcake’s. FOOEY on him! Eventualy, the regional manger found out and he was transfered to Maryland. Everyone said YAY! And my internship was OVER.

        So hang in there and there will be a better job that YOU will be abel to jump to. That’s what my mom alway’s says. Then, get out of there, but remember that their are alot of Jerk’s everwhere. Haveing a law degree make’s no diference. Hugs to you!

    • GirlMeetsWorld

      Wow, that sounds so demoralizing and awful, just awful. I hope that your situation turns around soon.

      A few thoughts – if the firm is committing ethical violations, that sounds risky to continue to be associated with them. If you wanted to quit, I would take up volunteering at Legal Aid etc. and continue to volunteer while job hunting so that you can stay current. I don’t have a good excuse however I would pose this question to Ask a Manager and also consider using your alumni career services and a headhunter.

  7. Balancing Responsibility

    I’m not sure if I’m looking to vent or if I’m looking for advice, but I am so confused! I just wanted to put this out there becuase I can’t possibly be the only one feeling this way. My H and I are talking about starting to TTC in the near future. My H and I both work demanding jobs. So much so that I often feel like I am failing as a wife (i.e. – too many hours at the office, not enough time focused on household chores). I am terrified of adding a baby to that and failing at work, being a mom and a wife. I guess I am not sure about how to balance it all. Does anyone have any good book recommendations on the topic?

    • cc

      Why does chores=being a good wife? If the jobs are equally demanding, you should be splitting responsibilities equally. If both demanding jobs pay enough, you should be outsourcing more household work. Personally I thought you were going to say “I feel like I am failing as a wife- ie I am grumpy all the time, not listening, not supportive, being dismissive.” it really through me for a loop that you said chores. No book suggestions, but I really recommend outsourcing some of the household work. You should give each other time to relax and reconnect. I think that it is good to practice carving out your own time before a baby is in the picture.

      • Blonde Lawyer

        Maybe she means sharing in chores? I feel the same way. A clean house is important to my husband and he does all the cleaning because I don’t have time. I would feel much better about this arrangement if I could do even 20% more cleaning. I always try to, but I rarely get to.

        • AIMS

          It’s obviously very important that one spouse not feel like they’re being taken advantage of by the other. But, that said, within measure, I think it’s fine for one spouse to do more if something is important to them. I cook way more of our dinners (typically 3-4 nights a week and Mr. AIMS 1-2, and 1-2 we eat out) but this is largely because the things he cooks tend to be less healthful than what I would want to eat regularly (chicken parm, for instance) and because he comes home a bit later and t/f we would then be eating later which I also am against. But this arrangement works for me because I recognize that it’s my preference to eat what I want to cook and at the time I want to eat. For a while, it did get a bit out of hand but then we instituted firm “you cook tuesday” nights and I cook, you do dishes rules, which really helped.

          If having a really clean house is more important to your husband, I think it’s okay that the burdens of keeping it that way fall on him more than you so long as you a) acknowledge how awesome he is for it and b) designate one or two things that he really hates to do that will always be yours and that you can do regularly (e.g., clean the litter and do the laundry).

          • Blonde Lawyer

            LOL – I do clean the litter, do the dishes, and my laundry. He prefers to do his own laundry, and the sheets and towels. I posted about the test pregnant ladies can get to see if they can still scoop litter and people were like “ah, why would you not want a get out of litter duty card?” This is why. It is my one chore that I consistently do and he doesn’t do and I would hate to have to stop doing it if I were pregnant b/c my guilt would be through the roof.

          • Mighty Mouse

            BlondeLawyer—
            Would it be worth the investment in a box or six of disposable rubber gloves?
            Signed,
            Also Waaaay Too Anal to Let Hubs (Non)Scoop the Box

    • JJ

      There’s a great tongue-in-cheek book about balancing working life with kids that I loved (and actually is very helpful) called “Balance is Crock and Sleep is for the Weak.” I’ll also add that right after I returned from maternity leave, I posed a similar question here and the responses were very helpful.

      My husband and I both have extremely demanding jobs. I’m an attorney in biglaw and he’s a consultant who routinely works 80-90 hours a week. We’ve been married 8 years, very happily. We have 1 son and I’m expecting another. I promise it’s doable, but it takes work and effort.

      What types of household chores do you think you’re failing at? Outsource those. We make money to make our lives easier. For my family, we have a finite time to spend together on the weekends (husband travels 50% of the month for work). I’m not going spend that precious time together cleaning toilets – so we hired a housekeeper to come twice a week and that’s one less thing for me to worry about.

      Is your husband pressuring you to feel that you’re failing as a wife? Because that is a separate issue that will only get worse once kids enter the picture (and a whole ‘nother topic for me to respond to…)

      • JJ

        Sigh. We hired a housekeeper to come every two weeks. We’re not that dirty. Typing fail.

        • LR

          I thought that sounded brilliant, if a bit much. I have no cleaning service at all though. :)

        • hellskitchen

          (chuckle) I have a housekeeper come in every two weeks but reading your comment, I was wondering if I need to up it to weekly since we are expecting a baby

      • Blonde Lawyer

        LOL, I totally thought you really meant twice per week since my husband has to clean the whole house at least twice a week to feel like it is clean. Pet tumbleweeds throw him into a tizzy.

    • anne-on

      Outsource if you can afford it, and learn to let things slide now. Babies are all consuming at first and you will not be able to clean/cook/do laundry/take care of a newborn child and be perfectly put together at all times. Honestly, as a working mom to a toddler if we do laundry, feed ourselves and the kid, and make it to the grocery store all in the same weekend I consider it a major win.

      • Bonnie

        Agreed. If you can afford to, hire somebody to clean the house. There’s no rule that a food wife has to do housework. Spend your limited free time with your DH, not cleaning the toilet.

      • saacnmama

        Letting it slide did not work for me–picking it back up again was harder than I think it would’ve been to make the adjustment along with the rest of the adjustments. New babies are hard because you’re suddenly on call 24/7 and your decisions determine another person’s life, but the actual physical work you do isn’t much more.

        If you work crazy hours, I think you have to decide how you’re going to divvy up time once baby arrives. I know some people who love family time with the kids, and some couples who split up because they never got alone time after the kids arrived. Either one can work, but you have to be on the same page.

    • Brant

      IF doing chores = wifely success, both DH and I fail miserably. We live in a slum all week and then power through it together on the weekend. We’re having a baby. We’ve already talked about how we’re going to have to do more meal planning, divine and conquor on weekly upkeep (and/or hire out).

    • Anon in NYC

      Break free of the societal and self-imposed expectations that being a wife = being responsible for the organization of a household. Slightly hyperbolic, but seriously. My life got so much better when I stopped putting pressure on myself to be the one to come home from work and make dinner (when I routinely wasn’t leaving the office until 10-11pm). Expect that your husband is a full partner on the domestic front, and don’t feel guilty about it. Pay for the things that you don’t want to take care of, or that would take away from the time spent with your family.

      • CKB

        Yep. The motto in our house is “Team Lastname”. All of us, including the kids, are a team, and we all pull our weight and do what we can to keep the house running.

        • Anon

          This is great! I was going to say: household chores are the household’s responsibility, not the wife’s.

    • LeChouette

      I feel the same way. (Not about the chores but about my life already being a disaster without children, so how will it work with them?) I also obsess about literally how we will be able to do childcare. We can’t afford two nannies or to pay 1 nanny to work 70 hours a week and daycare closes at 6.

      How do people in two career families with demanding hours do it? any stories of success to share?

        • JJ

          Or, you leave work to take care of the baby or pick up from day care, have dinner, put baby to bed, and then work from home until you’re done for the day.

      • Anon

        We each have long, but fairly flexible hours, so usually, one of us goes in super early (getting to work at 6 am) and the other gets the children ready. The one who went in early, then does pick up while the other works later. Typically we both end up doing more work once the kids are in bed. Depending on who has an important meeting when, etc, will decide who does which “shift.” It is kind of crazy…but works for us.

      • Coach Laura

        LeChoette-

        The early/late switch that anon posted works for some people – requires jobs that don’t have last-minute crises (or maybe just one half of the couple has a job that has last-minute crises) and/or if the parents are senior enough that they can set their own hours without regard to “face time”.

        You could hav a nanny and also an au pair or reliable college student. The nanny would work 8-5 or 7-4 and the second worker could come at the end of the nanny’s shift and be in charge until one parent got home. The second person could also cook/start dinner. Au pairs are good if you have room for them to live with you, but they are limited to 45 hours a week, so they wouldn’t replace a nanny. But in conjunction with a nanny, it would be just right and would give you coverage on weekends or if one of the partners travels on business. In the situation that I’ve outlined, the au pair could go to college in the morning or just have that as their personal time.

        Along with this, you may need to outsource cleaning (hire a housekeeper), grocery shopping (use Amazon Fresh or Safeway online grocery delivery service), drycleaners that pick-up/deliver, meal prep (sign up for a pre-made meal service), pharmacies that deliver, etc.

      • Divaliscious11

        When my kids were younger, the best thing I did was learn to ask for help. A combo of family, nanny and occasional sitters did the trick. My are tweens and in school all day now, so they need less coverage, so we have an au pair, and the 45 hours is plenty – we rarely use them all as I schedule vacations etc… around their breaks… And sometimes you have to get the occasional sitter for fill in, but you make it work….

    • OP

      Thanks ladies, this is all very helpful to hear. I think we’re going to have to bite the bullet and start outsourcing some items – or at least some of the cleaning!

  8. Anonymous

    Question – do second degree job referrals mean anything? Meaning, I know it would be appropriate for someone to refer me to a job, or me to refer someone to a job where I work. But what if I want to refer someone I know to a job with a different company we work with (I don’t work very closely with them but my boss does)? Is that expecting too much?

    • cfm

      They mean more than nothing! It is obviously weaker the futher out you go, but they absolutely are better than nothing, and I have heard of more than one success story like you describe

      • Anonymous

        Excellent! I knew it wouldn’t be as strong but wasn’t sure if it was a faux pas to even try it.

    • anabag

      Helping someone you know find a job and assisting another company fill an open position are two of the most useful things you can do in terms of networking/business development. Your friend will be very grateful, the folks at the company who hired her will also be grateful, and having her there will help solidify the relationship between the two companies going forward, which I’m assuming will be good for your own career, especially in the long term as your friend advances in that company. Give it a try!

      My only caveat is to refer only friends who you are sure are great at what they do and will be an asset to their new company. If they turn out to be a bad fit it could have the opposite of the effect you are looking for.

  9. Anon

    Hi all,

    I’m expecting my first baby and I’m wondering what to buy or get ready in advance. I know this topic is done to death on every parenting and baby site, but I’d love to get the advice of all you smart, sensible women.
    What is the one thing you were absolutely glad you bought/set up before the baby came?
    What is the one thing you bought/received that you never used?

    Also, any other advice on what you would have done differently in the last few months leading up to the baby??

    • anne-on

      Things that I totally suggest (and that you can live without but that made my life much easier) include – a boppy lounger (as another place to put an itty bitty baby down), a swing or a bouncer, a nosefrida (gross, but super effective), a humidifier, dr. browns diaper cream (works the best out of the 7 brands we ran through), and more of the cheap flannel muslim burp cloths than you ever think you’ll need. The gerber brand ones especially wear like iron and we use them for everything.

      Sounds obvious, but I had absolutely no clue on how much infant/baby sleep is normal, or how to get them on a reasonable schedule. I liked the Ferber book for good information on how much sleep a child needs at various stages. And the 2-3-4 (or 3-3-4) nap information was a god send. Basically, once they’re past 3-4 months you aim for a nap 2/3 hours after waking, a second nap 3 hours after that, and then bed 4 hours after the second nap. Getting naps down before going back to work saved my sanity big time.

      • JL

        Def a swing/rocker. you need to take a shower once in a while…

        And try an easy to wear (and detach) baby carrier (ergo, etc) – this will save your back during those times that baby doesn’t drift off to sleep…

      • Kim

        Funny, I just wrote the opposite – if you surveyed every parent about items not used, your list would include everything ever made, save a car seat. Some things your baby will hate (the swing, the sling, etc.), so try to borrow those items. Baby STUFF will take over your house pretty quickly.

        Right before I had the baby – at work, summarize project statuses in case someone else is assigned, or so details don’t escape you upon your return. Bring home the phone number for HR because you will have only 30 days to add baby to your health insurance. Buy an e-reader or tablet because you will spend many hours with baby sleeping on one arm. Get a manicure because there will be many pictures of baby up close, and your hands will likely be in them! And good luck and enjoy!!

    • Betty

      Congrats!

      As for gear, bear in mind that you don’t actually need half of the stuff that they recommend, especially in those first few weeks. What ended up saving me was a co-sleeper/basinet that we placed right next to my side of the bed. In those first few weeks where the little one is waking up all the time, not having to shlep to the crib and therefore being able to fall back asleep quickly after nursing was a lifesaver.

      In hindsight, what I wish that I had done more was talk with my husband about our parenting expectations and what life would be like when the baby came home. While I am a reader and avidly consume information, my husband is not and does not. I did not realize that I wasn’t sharing what I was learning as I learned it. So I formed a picture of what our life would be like and the demands of parenting. I just assumed my husband had a similar picture. Not quite. I guess my suggestion is to talk. Talk about everything, even if it seems common sense to you.

      • Kim

        THIS. Planning for baby to come is like planning a wedding – we focus on the day instead of the ever after. Think about philosophy of child rearing, because once you’re in it, it’s hard to find time to think/read about it.

    • OCAssociate

      Must get: Aden & Anais swaddle blankets (and burp cloths/bibs); the Nosefrida; white noise machine.
      So many other things will depend on your baby and whether you can ever put him/her down.

      Never used: The Mamaroo – was supposed to be a great alternative to the swing, but doesn’t get enough momentum. (Also, I had a baby who would not allow me to ever put him down.)

      For later: the fisher-price soother (aquarium or jungle-thing or whatever form they sell it in now) – it’s so wonderful when your baby can turn it on himself and fall asleep/stay in the crib an extra 15 minutes. We’ve bought 20+ of these things for parents over the years and have loved it ourselves.

      I wish I had hired housecleaners sooner.

      Congratulations and good luck!

      • Anonymous

        LOL, like someone above, I just wrote some of the opposite of this. I got so many swaddling blankets, never used a single one, wondered what people bother for, and definitely would say no to the white noise machine ’cause personally I felt like it just makes it harder as time goes on bc you train them to not be able to sleep without it.
        SO much will just depend on the baby, they are little individuals! I would try not to buy too much before he/she gets here.
        I loved the arm’s reach co-sleeper in the beginning, bc I was nursing and there is no way I was getting vertical that many times a night.

        The things I will second/third/fourth is some thing to suck the snot out of their nose, and the boppy pillow.

        • OCAssociate

          LOVED the Arms reach co-sleeper. But I still woke up in the middle of the night thinking the baby was in the bed and panicking that I’d crushed him.

          They’re such stubborn little individuals, aren’t they? I kept reading the books and thinking “whose baby actually sleeps this much/plays quietly in their crib/ etc.?”

      • Wordy

        I strongly advise against a white noise machine. You want your baby to be able to sleep through a little noise – I have friends who started their kids with white noise machines and now cannot get children to nap on the go, while traveling, etc unless they have said white noise machine.

        It’s a bit like when you start them on solid food. My first would only eat warmed up baby food because that’s what he was used to. Very inconvenient on planes, etc. With my second and third, I gave them room temperature food and as a result they were much more adaptable.

        • white noise

          I would also hesitate about the white noise machine. One of my colleagues right now is doing research on the noise levels of white noise machines and whether these are a potential cause of noise-induced hearing loss in infants. Remember that noise exposure recommendations for neonates are MUCH lower than adults and that they are exposed to this noise for lengthy periods of time.

        • OCAssociate

          We actually used the white noise machine as a soothing/stop the crying tool. Happiest Baby on the Block recommends it. Cheaper and better for the environment than running the bathtub forever in the middle of the night.

    • Anon OP

      Thanks, these are all really helpful!

      One other question I had- did you have anyone in the delivery room with you besides your partner/spouse? I’m trying to decide if I want my mom to be there. I love my mom and we have a great relationship and if she lived nearby, i’d totally ask her to be there. But she lives in another state, so if she comes down for the birth, her baby visit will be the first week or two of the baby’s life. Would it be more helpful/better to have a mom visitor later? For example, I could ask her instead to come down for weeks 2-4 or something. She’ll stay in a hotel, btws (our apt is too tiny) so i’m not worried about her being all up in my space. More just trying to figure out what would be most useful and helpful.
      any insight would great!

      • OCAssociate

        I can’t help too much, because I don’t get along with my mother, so there was no way I would have asked her to be at the delivery.

        But, we really enjoyed having a couple days home from the hospital where it was just the three of us, that way we were able to settle in as a family and get a feel for our new baby before the visitors descended.

        I appreciated having my in-laws come a week after the baby was born; they helped out, grocery shopped, and made food. They stayed for a week, which was just about perfect (if they had stayed in a hotel, I would have been fine with them sticking around for 2+ weeks).

      • saacnmama

        “Daddy” totally wimped out in the delivery room for me, was very easily cowed by hospital staff, not ready to push me…man, did I wish I had someone else there!

      • Meg Murry

        My mom was there with us and it was helpful because at one point I was so doped up I couldn’t even keep my eyes open, so she was support for my husband when they were asking him questions/permission to do things on my behalf. She was also helpful in that my father, sister, MIL, aunts and lots of the family called regularly for updates, so she could take the phone out to the hallway/waiting room and let my husband stay with me, or she could stay with me when my husband needed a coffee break, etc. I was also induced but it went reallllllly slowly, so we were in the hospital for a long time before the baby was actually born. It was also good to have someone there that actually had been through it before, as a 6 hour class certainly couldn’t teach my husband and I all we needed to know. I guess that’s why some people hire doula’s now – to have someone there that they know, trust, and has a clue what is going one. But my mom was local, so that makes a difference. How long does your husband plan to take leave for? Could your mom come when he plans to go back to work, if he’s going back after 2-3 weeks? Depending on how your delivery & healing goes, its good to have a second set of hands around the house if they are available for the first month or so (at least for me) – especially since your husband will probably be getting little sleep when he goes back to work and help cooking dinner, keeping the household running, etc would be good.

    • Samantha

      Get Baby Bargains (the book). They lay it out for you what’s worth buying, what’s worth buying quality, and what’s a total waste.

      • MU JD

        +100 to Baby Bargains. I wore that book out! I had twins, so I couldn’t live without bouncy seats and Boppy pillows. I second the spit rags suggestion – we had a stack of them in every room. If your baby takes a pacifier, make sure you have plenty of spare – it’s not fun to lose one at 2:00 a.m. when your 24 hour Walgreens does not carry that particular brand.

        I only had hubby and about 20 doctors and nurses in with me. I found it much more helpful to have the parents visit about a week after the babies were born. With e-mail and video chat, they can see the baby right away, so they can feel included.

        Good luck and congrats!

    • Anonymous

      I just had my first baby, and I wish I’d bought my pump in advance. I didn’t think I’d need it until shortly before I went back to work, but my baby has been gaining weight slowly, and pumping some extra milk has been the only way we’ve managed to avoid formula so far.

    • saacnmama

      My boy loved his swings, both the classic big wind-up one and the little portable. I totally expected to “wear” him all the time, but he hated the Bjorn and we never tried a sling. I just carried him. We didn’t use the stroller much either. I hated the pumpkin seat–always jostled him awake putting the darn thing into the car or wresting it out, so I just left it on the piece in the car, didn’t mess with setting the stroller up, and carried him. He was walking by 9 mos, and I had him walk next to me on LOTS of errand, run very slowly, early on. I did get a seat for him for the back of my bike at 7 or 8 months and we did lots of errands that way. When a friend saw how much I carried the boy, he commented on how glad they’d been to get rid of the monster stroller and size down to the umbrella stroller.

    • Anonymous

      You should check out the Apartment Therapy posts on this. They each got dozens and dozens of replies to those questions. And they were VERY thorough answers.

  10. Need Out

    I have been in a terrible job for a little over a year now. I’m working on getting out and have my fingers triple crossed that I get good news next week on a job I recently interviewed for. But morale at my current job is so low it’s slithering around on the floor in its death throes. I have one thing I have to finish before I can go home tonight and I am having so much trouble motivating. If I don’t in fact get this other job, I’m going to have to keep pretending to care about the current job for awhile (I have other applications out, but haven’t heard back on any of them yet). I just want to go home and curl up with my dog.

    • Matilda

      Cyberhugs. I, too, would like to go home and curl up with my dogs. Neither of them is a very good cuddler (both still too young and springy), but I’m okay with that.

      Also, “slithering around on the floor in its death throes” made me laugh out loud and also wince in sympathy.

    • Ditto

      I too loved the phrase “slithering around on the floor in its death throes”, and can completely relate as well as sympathize. I hope you get the job. I’ve been so stuck in my dead-end in-house job for so long, that I feel pretty unmotivated about everything…so please get a great new job and let us know!

    • seltzer pop

      I feel this so hard. Fingers crossed that things work out for both of us soon!

  11. Betty

    For those in the small firm world: I have multiple years of biglaw under my belt and am in a government gig through the summer of 2014. I really want to go to a small-ish firm after this government job. If I am looking to switch jobs in the fall of 2014, when should I start seriously looking for a job? Anything that I can do in the meantime? (My current job makes it tough for me to do too much networking.)

    • Susie

      Many small firms only post an opening when it needs to be filled, and go through the interview and hiring process fairly quickly. I’d start doing my preliminary search about 6 months before and ramp it up 2-3 months before your fellowship ends.

    • MU JD

      Many smaller firms look for people with a book of business. To overcome this, I recommend networking a lot between now and next summer. I agree with Susie, start your preliminary search in late 2013 and really ramp it up in spring 2014.

      Good luck!

  12. big dipper

    This is sort of a shopping challenge. I’m about to start going to a million weddings (ugh, mid-twenties) and I’m looking for a Holy Grail Wedding Guest Dress. I have two black tie weddings this summer (each specified you can wear a short dress).

    All of my current cocktail dresses are sorority formal dresses (super inappropriate) or really old ladyish (leftovers from high school, purchased by my mom).

    I’m in the market for something (a) age appropriate (b) versatile enough to wear over and over again and (c) is relatively stylish.

    I’m pear shaped and I’m not a fan of strapless dresses.

    Does anyone have any (a) suggestions or (b) advice on what I should be looking for in a versatile, wear all the time wedding guest dress?

    • A Nonny Moose

      I’d look for a simple dress you can add different and more eye-catching accessories to to create many different looks. All of my cocktail dresses, while fun, are unique and I end up buying more just so I don’t look like I only own one nice dress in photos. If you can find a simple dress in an easy color– black, grey, navy come to mind– that you can dress up or down and change the vibe with different shoes, purses, hairstyles, and jewelry/belt/other accessories, you’ll feel much better wearing one dress to a zillion events. When considering options, try to create three different outfits/looks with it before purchasing, ideally with things you already own if you’re trying to budget.

    • A Nonny Moose

      Ugh, c-tail word. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

      I’d look for a simple dress you can add different and more eye-catching accessories to to create many different looks. All of my c-tail dresses, while fun, are unique and I end up buying more just so I don’t look like I only own one nice dress in photos. If you can find a simple dress in an easy color– black, grey, navy come to mind– that you can dress up or down and change the vibe with different shoes, purses, hairstyles, and jewelry/belt/other accessories, you’ll feel much better wearing one dress to a zillion events. When considering options, try to create three different outfits/looks with it before purchasing, ideally with things you already own if you’re trying to budget.

    • momentsofabsurdity

      I would get a navy or similar neutral-toned dress – even though I *love* bright colors, I think it’ll be really obvious in photographs from the summer and beyond that you are The Girl In the Coral Dress at every wedding.

      If it were me, I’d go for a sleeveless navy dress without much detailing that you could easily change the look of, dress up or down, or change the “feel” of just by changing accessories. So I would make sure you could easily add a belt to it, grab a clutch or wrap in many different neutral colors and have it look okay, etc.

      I would definitely try a bunch of stuff on and pick one I *really* liked – if you’re gonna wear it a bunch of times, you definitely want it to be something you feel like dynamite in.

      Maybe something like this? The ruching may be too detailed though.

      http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/ml-monique-lhuillier-bridesmaids-v-neck-ruched-chiffon-sheath-dress-nordstrom-exclusive/3311313?origin=category&BaseUrl=Wedding+Guest

    • Equity's Darling

      I just picked up the Hilda Pencil Dress last night from anthro (I’ll post a link in a reply), and I think that it will likely be my go-to dress for weddings this summer. It’s really comfy, and cut generously in the bottom, so I’m sure it would be flattering to pears.

      I have one wedding this weekend, and I can’t decide whether to wear nude shoes, or these bright turquoise ones that I just bought….

        • Equity's Darling

          I think that I may be wearing my pink blazer during the ceremony….so I worry that with turquoise shoes I’ll have too much colour? But it’ll be fine with a gray dress…right? They’re definitely more fun than nude wedges…

          • momentsofabsurdity

            “I’ll have too much colour”

            Impossible.

            I think a gray dress, pink blazer and turquoise shoes could be really cute for a summertime wedding, depending on the blazer and the shoes. None of those colors clash with one another!

          • TO Lawyer

            It is a lot of colour (in a good way) but I think it’s fine with a grey dress. Do you have some accessories to tie both colours together? I’m thinking like a fab necklace with both colours?

          • Susie

            You have to wear something you feel comfortable & confident in – for me I personally this would not include pairing a pink blazer with turquoise shoes but you may have a higher tolerance to dress more bold. I think I’d maybe go with silver strappy shoes.

          • Equity's Darling

            I can’t bank it it being warm enough for silver strappy shoes (it’s an evening wedding, and we’re hovering around freezing at night still), and really…I’m not the strappy shoe type, I don’t even think I own any strappy shoes except flip flops and birkenstocks? I basically never like “evening” shoes, I always pick pumps or peep-toes over sandals.

            I think I will go pink blazer during ceremony, and turquoise shoes, with the blazer coming off during the reception.

            I’ll think on accessories- usually I’m bad with accessories- I always feel so fussy with necklaces/bracelets, and I play with them which I think makes me look nervous, when really, I’m just not used to wearing them. And my skin is sensitive, so I react to a lot of metal blends, so most of the time they’re not worth it.

          • L

            Love the color combo, but fwiw, don’t add an accessory that has two or three colors in it. I think often it looks more like someone planned their outfit around their necklace, rather than just is a bad@ss and can pull off bold color.

    • anon

      consider if any of the weddings be in a conservative setting where bare shoulders aren’t appropriate. can be fixed with a wrap, bolero, shrug, etc. but then choose a dress that will look good w/ that, or go with short sleeves.
      my two most versatile wedding guest dresses were jcrew (not the weddings line) & dvf, as brand suggestions. always got compliments, even after many years.
      agree with moa that it should be a dress that makes you feel awesome. and lean towards classic over trendy.

    • Matilda

      I just got an email from Banana Republic linking to some really lovely LBDs that would be really versatile — and there’s a 30% off sale this weekend with the code BRDERBY. I haven’t tried one of their LBDs recently, but I’ve had really good luck with them in the past.

      • momentsofabsurdity

        My only hesitation with doing an LBD for a “every wedding” guest dress is that there are still some parts of the country and some weddings where black is seen as a disrespectful color and too somber for the event. So I’d pick a different color, just in case.

        • Susie

          Hmm I thought this is still the prevailing MO – ladies shouldn’t wear black or white to a wedding (unless its specified). I wouldn’t myself.

          • SFBayA

            That’s ingrained in me too. Never ever ever wear black, white, or red to a wedding. All other colors are acceptable, and prints/patterns where the verboten colors are present but do not predominate are also acceptable. I realize this is the tiny minority opinion, but I just can’t do it.

        • Matilda

          Fair point. I usually avoid that by jazzing mine up with colorful wraps or jewelry, but I could see where it would be considered too somber or disrespectful in certain contexts.

          Another possibility that I wore to a wedding last summer is Patagonia’s Bandha dress — I’ll post the link in a reply — it’s very flattering and drape-y, has a full skirt that should work well on a pear shape, packs incredibly well, and comes in a really gorgeous blue color that, come to think of it, I might REALLY need to own…

        • Equity's Darling

          How did I not know this rule re: black and weddings?

          Also, are the dresses I wear to weddings supposed to be more ..chiffoney or shiny material? I would have never chosen the ann taylor or nordstrom dresses linked above. Maybe the weddings I go to are less formal? But the one I am going to on Sunday will be quite formal, so now I’m worried about my gray dress being too casual, particularly as my original dress choice was black lace.

          And, I sent my gift ahead- I bought something off the registry like 4 weeks before the wedding, and they gave me the option to send it to the store the bride had chosen, so I went with that instead of lugging home a set of dishes, wrapping it, bringing it to the wedding, etc.- was that bad form? To just send the gift to their store of choice?

          Now I’m worried that I’m breaking lots of social conventions re: weddings. Where can I find all the rules re: weddings?

          • anon

            Do not bring a physical gift to the wedding. That is really annoying for the bride and groom. Shipping it is perfect.

          • Yellow

            I think its SO much better to have sent it in advance. Bringing a gift to the wedding (while fine if its your only option) pretty much means parents will be dealing with it the next morning and I’ve had friends have gifts go missing from the wedding venue. So much more convenient for everyone involved to have it shipped in advance.

          • Susie

            You are correct, the new norm is not bringing wrapped gifts to the reception but having them shipped. I usually go with either chiffon or silk, but lace is a great choice and on trend right now. In all honesty, I like your grey dress and I think you can dress it up but for me that is more something I would wear to work.
            There are lots of wedding etiquette rules, and I violated a ton when I was planning my own wedding so take it with a grain of salt. I don’t agree with everything Emily Post has to say, but I find it interesting and a good starting point: http://www.emilypost.com/guests

          • Equity's Darling

            Hmm, very interesting Susie- maybe I’m doing weddings wrong, particularly given my general dislike of strappy shoes.

            I don’t think I would wear my gray dress to work…I think it’s too…I don’t know? I don’t think the shape is one that I’d wear to work, it emphasizes curves more than I’d like to? Yeah, I think that’s my problem with it at work, I try to keep things under wraps.

    • Anon

      I feel like the J. Crew Sophia or Mirabelle dress was made for this situation!

      • Anonymous

        but caution: Sophia was the bridesmaids’ dress for 3 of the weddings I’ve been in. So you might end up wearing the same dress as the bridal party.

    • Susie

      My dress shopping strategy is pretty simple – see what’s on the clearance rack at Macys. I’ve always found something there.

    • big dipper

      Thank you for all of the advice! Especially the no black at some weddings thing – that is a useful tip. Also, I really like the suggestion of being able to dress it up/down – particularly with a belt.

      Navy has become my new neutral (I dyed my hair red a few months ago and now black makes me look super washed out) so the navy options were lovely.

  13. Kitten Heeled

    Ladies, how did you all land your biggest clients? I’m just a curious junior associate at biglaw. I am generally good at networking, but realize that getting clients is much more involved then that. Stories? Thoughts? Tips?

    • Statutesq

      I hope this thread catches on… interested to hear.

      I had successes getting clients by networking at small, exclusive conference associated with a small, exclusive membership organization I was a member of. Another attorney at my office and I just spent time getting to know a few people-who-hire-attorneys, on a personal level, over the course of the conference. One company ending up sending over one file, then another, then ultimately decided we should do all their legal. I was a member of the organization for a full year, but it wasn’t until the conference, where I had time to actually get to know everyone in somewhat social settings, that the relationships turned into work.

      My husband’s best clients, on the other hand, have all been referrals from other lawyers. His practice (commercial litigation–for lack of a better descriptor) is much more referral based though as compared to mine (insurance defense).

      I’m still pretty junior too, so I’m trying to figure out how to make this client-getting thing work out long term.

      • Associette

        Also interested to hear about this one! I am a junior/mid level associate and dying to figure this out. I feel like I am constantly putting myself out there but nothing is coming back to me – at least not yet. Insurance defense is tough because I find that the partners are so protective of their clients and client relationships that there is very little opportunity for development.

    • anabag

      A few thoughts.

      1. Make an effort to build relationships with people at companies in your target market who are at about the same stage of their career as you. It’s easier to build relationships with your peers than with people who are a lot older than you. Over time, your peers will advance to positions with more authority and will be able to give you work. Approach this as a long-term project that may lead to business in years (not months). Start now! (I wish someone had told me this years ago.)

      2. Don’t focus only on other lawyers. There are a lot of companies where non-lawyers make decisions about hiring outside attorneys. Yet they are often neglected when it comes to attorney marketing efforts. In fact many lawyers tend to snub and exclude them. Don’t do that. Find some great non-lawyers who are rising stars in their companies, and who are near your same level, and build long-term relationships with them. Try to get them invited to your firm’s marketing events in addition to the lawyers.

      3. Statutesq’s advice is good. Conferences are a very good way to meet the people described above and get to know them on a personal level. Choose one or two conferences and attend them regularly every year.

      4. While you are doing the above, also become a specialist in some niche area of your practice that you can become known for in the future. It doesn’t have to be all that you do. Choose some interesting sub-area and start following it closely now. Consistently read all the new opinions and articles in the area, and when you get to be a little more senior, start writing your own articles on it and speaking on it.

  14. Jamie

    I posted a few weeks ago about some job search questions: appropriate writing sample, questions to ask in an informational email “interview,” etc. I haven’t heard back about that particular (perfect, dream job) position yet, but I’m trying not to freak out because the application period doesn’t even close until May 15.

    But I am still continuing my job search, and I wanted to see if anyone here has any tips. I’m a new-ish lawyer, graduated in 2010. I work in public interest law, I have a two-year fellowship which is ending this fall. I was in Chicago for 1.5 years post-graduation, I relocated to Missouri for this (prestigious, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity) fellowship. And now I really, really want to go back to Chicago.

    Turns out, job searching from afar and months in advance is really difficult! Does anyone have any tips for me (Chicago people, public interest law people)? I’m looking on Idealist, PSLawNet (now PSJD I guess?), Illinois Legal Advocate, and Chicago Bar Association Career Center. I’ve also let my friends in the city’s public interest law community know I’m looking. While my fellowship doesn’t end until the fall, I could and would leave early for the right position.

    I’m just so afraid this fellowship will end and I will either be unemployed or just be stuck here- the host organization for my fellowship has indicated there may be funding to keep me on, but I’m really done being here. It’s been great, and now it’s ending and I am eager to get back to Chicago.

    Any tips would be much appreciated!

    • roses

      Have you thought about looking at another short-term fellowship in Chicago? Full-time, career public interest positions in the city are few and far between, but applying for another short-term fellowship might give you a chance to make connections and land one. I know of this one through BPI: http://www.bpichicago.org/pg.php, but there might be others too.

      • Jamie

        I would really prefer not to do another short-term fellowship, to avoid the very situation I’m in now: the scramble for a new position because your current job has a deadline. But that said, the dream job I applied for two weeks ago is a time-limited fellowship but has a renewable term. So…yes, I am open to fellowships but would prefer a normal job if possible.

        Thanks for the BPI tip, I’ll check it out!

    • rosie

      Are you looking on Indeed? From what I can tell, they include listings from all different websites (USAjobs, Idealist, recruiters, etc.). Are you considering city and/or state government? No Chicago-specific ideas, but just a thought of another place to look.

      • Jamie

        I haven’t been looking on Indeed, but I definitely will now, thank you for the tip. I’m definitely considering government jobs, at any level of government.

    • Ms. Basil E. Frankweiler

      Try www[dot]GovernmentJobs[dot]com as well. Colorado doesn’t have many attorney positions on our part, but Chicago may.

      • Jamie

        Thank you, I will check it out! Also: did you see E.L. Konigsburg died recently?? I was so sad, I actually went to the library and checked out “From The Mixed-Up Files” just to re-read it. Which I highly recommend, if it’s been awhile- it totally holds up.

        • Ms. Basil E. Frankweiler

          I did not see that! Man, I am sad about that one. I wish the Met would do an overnight in her honor.

        • Ms. Basil E. Frankweiler

          I did not. But I think I had your yahoo email, so I just sent you a message.

    • Divaliscious11

      Network, network, network! Chicago is really is an all about who you know city.

      • Jamie

        Ugh, it totally is, you are right. I do know a lot of people in the public interest law community since I did work there for about 18 months after law school, so I’ve put some feelers out.

      • Jamie

        I haven’t, no. I just took a look and it seems more focused on private sector jobs rather than nonprofit/public interest law, but there doesn’t appear to be a fee so it can’t hurt! Thanks for the tip.

  15. LaDeeDum

    Last week I attended a pro bono dinner with a partner at my BigLaw firm. I don’t have much a relationship with this partner and have never done work for her. We were seated at a table with a few of her clients and we all had a good time (was invited out to a future lunch with one of them; realized we had a mutual acquaintence with another one). I would like to stay in touch with some of these people, some of whom are in-house counsel at large companies and could prove to be valuable connections. Is a linked-in request or an email appropriate in this situation? Is this something Partner would be bothered by? Fwiw, I’m a first-year associate.

    • Betty

      I would check with the partner first for a couple of reasons: 1) Partner may be annoyed to find out you talked to clients without going through him/her and be concerned by that communication; 2) Partner may want or be able to give you pointers on the best means of approaching certain individuals; 3) related to 1) but Partners can be territorial about their clients. After checking with the Partner, instead of linked in, I would opt for a direct email where you can send a short message and remind the person how you know them.

    • Moop

      Maybe partern would be bothered (my former boss would) but I think this is a situation where you should assume that she wouldn’t and you should move ahead with following up on the connection. I think that both linked-in and email could be appropriate, depending on the context.

    • LH

      I would not contact the client without talking to the partner first. The partners I work for are not especially control freaks but it is still the standard practice that a junior associate would not to reach out directly to a client without first discussing it with the partner who brought in the client. If you’ve already established a relationship with a client, you may not need to clear every communication with the partner, but in a case like this where it is your first written communication, you definitely should talk to the partner first. Anyway, I see this as a situation where you have nothing to lose by talking to the partner first. She’ll probably be thrilled and there a couple good things that can happen: 1) as Betty said, she can give you tips on how best to communicate with the clients, and 2) this will give you a chance to know the partner better & maybe do work for her in the future and 3) its an appropriate way to show the partnership that you’re invested in your career and doing business development. I see absolutely no downside to clearing it with her. If for some bizarre reason she doesn’t want you to contact them, you’re definitely better off not contacting them – at least at this stage in your career. A ticked off partner at your firm will do you much more harm than any good these contacts can do you in the immediate future. And definitely don’t add them on LinkedIn without asking her. Maybe others will disagree, but I don’t think its really appropriate for a first year associate to add a general counsel-type on LinkedIn, especially someone that she met casually once and has not worked with.

  16. Anonymous

    Anyone else annoyed by the fact that exactly zero of the 6pm models actually stand up straight in the photos? I started shopping the dress sale, and it’s nearly impossible to figure out how the dresses actually hang because all of the models are posing at wacky angles and fluffing the skirts out with their hands and stuff. It’s making me crazy.

    • TCFKAG

      6PM and Zappos have the weirdest models – they stand in odd positions and have semi-creepy facial expressions. Its like ANTM rejects.

  17. 'fraidy cat

    Speaking of babies, I’m super terrified to have one! My husband and I are getting close to the point where it’s time to TTC, but I feel really unready. I’m less worried about dealing with the baby after its born, although that freaks me out, too. I’m more worried about the actual pregnancy and birth part. I’ve had several friends who went through nightmare pregnancies: premature water-breaking necessitating lots of IV drugs and total bed-rest, pre-eclampsia, massive hemorrhaging leading to a near death experience, etc. Their experiences were so bad, all of them have literally sworn off having any more children. Also, these were relatively young and healthy women, not high risk pregnancies. Any advice for dealing with this type of worry?

    • Niktaw

      Think about your friends who had normal, healthy pregnancies, and are now raising healthy, cute babies.

    • Joanie

      For some reason, your sample is skewed. Pregnancy and child birth in modern America are not dangerous and the vast majority of births are normal events. Find a doctor/midwife/etc. that you trust and then just relax. I rather enjoyed pregnancy and though I had pre-eclampsia with my first, I had two normal, uneventful deliveries after that.

    • kc esq

      I agree that your sample is likely skewed. It was important to me that before we were ready to TTC, we were prepared to deal with what life threw at us, meaning we couldn’t just be planning the perfect pregnancy. We had to be ready for some uncertainty, like the possibility of bed rest, etc. My motto is hope for the best, plan for the worst. So we had a good amount of money in the bank so that if I needed to take more time off than our ideal, I could. So my advice is to just control what you can control and then hope for the best for the things you can’t control.

    • Susie

      No advice but wanted to let you know you’re not alone. My experience has been similar. Only 3 of my close friends have TTC that I know of – one has a one month old born premature after a complicated pregnancy and a previous miscarriage, the second is taking some time after her first baby was stillborn at 40 weeks and miscarrying a second time, and the third is TTC after a miscarriage. So, I don’t think your sample is skewed but a sad reality.

    • Anonymous

      If you’re scared of pregnancy/birth it’s okay not to have kids. My three best girlfriends all decided (independently) that they aren’t having kids. (I’m totally having kids and have super baby fever — not sure why they put up with me.)

      The truth of the matter is, most people don’t have very many kids anymore, so your sample (and Susie’s!) aren’t skewed, but they aren’t “traditionally normal” either. I grew up in a Catholic/Mormon town where five kids per family was standard (three was small, eight was big, I knew only one only child and nobody gave you a side eye until 10-12). I don’t think I ever wasn’t going to church with a pregnant woman (and can I tell you how many times women who were actually IN LABOR were at church? Or at the grocery store? I can think of ten off the top of my head. I bet between my mom and me we could come up with fifty). And I would say that about half the women I knew had one difficult pregnancy (though usually not their first — it’s hard to have a difficult pregnancy at 21) out of four or five pregnancies.

      I’ve known two women well enough in NYC to know there whole pregnancy ups and downs. Each has two kids. Each had one difficult pregnancy (for one it was the first, for the other it was the second). All four kids, of course, are in perfect health. Of course, stress is bad for pregnancy outcomes (9/11 happened during one of the difficult pregnancies and they were evacuated from their house etc). So you should really considered your friends difficult pregnancies through a lens of their personal experiences, not as a universal experience.

      Anyway, if you’re really terrified and you really want kids you should see a therapist. Desires in conflict will just make you miserable.

    • Busy Bee

      Please don’t worry so much. I was so afraid, I couldn’t even read the chapters on giving birth. But when I had my first baby girl, it was such a great experience that I felt pissed off at everyone who told me bad stories. Everything didn’t go perfectly, but I didn’t have any “this is how it should be” expectations. But it was such a wonderful experience, and I said the same day “I could do this all over again”. That was quite a statement from someone who wasn’t even sure I wanted kids in the first place (even up to the day I went in to give birth!).

    • goldribbons

      mamabear once said, to combat a fear of giving birth, something like this: go outside. Look at people. Every single person came out of a woman. It’s a totally natural process, you can do it too.

      • T-Rex

        Check your human privilege – this lizard is very sensitive.

        (Seriously though, this is good advice. Pregnancy is, I think, much like airplane travel or surgery or other things where our ability to assess risk suffers from sampling bias. When someone in your circle of friends has a healthy happy pregnancy, you don’t think about the process – only the result. The process is only given attention when it goes badly.)

  18. Equity's Darling

    What are some ways that you automate/organize your life that has made everything run more smoothly/helped you be more put together/general positive effects?

    I make my lunch/snacks/dinner for the week on Sunday, and separate them all into individual tupperwares so that I don’t have to cook during the week. It takes about 4 hours on Sunday to accomplish this, but I think it cuts down on cleaning/cooking time overall.

    I’m basically seeking more tips to make my life more “smooth”, whether it’s something time-consuming, or simple, like…untying my running shoes after I wear them so it’s faster to put them on, because I’m usually in a rush to get to the gym on time, but less likely to be in a rush afterward.

    • Granola

      I make big batches of food in my slow cooker on Sundays and package in portion-sized pyrex containers. No thought involved during the week – I just grab one for lunch each day, and sometimes I have the same for dinner (don’t care so much that it’s repetitive, because I can usually go 3-4 days before I get tired of that particular dish). Also, I make steel cut oatmeal in big batches in my slow cooker and have for breakfast.

      I also have all my bills set up on automatic payments so I never have to think about them. I wish I could do this with rent too – this is the one check I have to remember to send each month.

      • Meg Murry

        Does your bank have a bill pay option? Most do, and you can set it to mail a check to your landlord for you on a certain day of the month. Its usually a free service, or has a minimal fee, like $ .25 – which is cheaper than an envelope and stamps. We never even ordered checks for our bill paying bank account – we send the few checks we need to out through the bill pay option.

        • Granola

          Interesting, I had no idea you could do that. I’ll definitely look into this. If nothing else, it is annoying for me that I have to look up what my rent is every month before I write the check as I can never remember how many cents I have to pay (rent controlled increases leave you with a rent that’s something like XX dollars and 74 cents).

    • Betty

      I pick out what my son and I are going to wear the whole week on Sunday afternoon. I find that I tend to look more pulled together if I spend some time, not under pressure, picking out my outfit, accessories, etc. That way, I also tend to wear some of the pieces in my wardrobe that are not my “go to” pieces. I also *try* and pick out my toddler’s clothes and put them in a drawer in order, which allows me to just grab the stack for Monday and try and get him dressed. Some days it works really well with him, and other days, I consider it a victory if he walks out of the house fully-clothed.

      • ITDS

        I also pick my outfits, and I realized that the only thing holding me back from only doing laundry every other week was lack of my preferred undies. So I bought some more. Now laundry is only every 2 weeks, and it’s still the same three loads, so time is saved.

        • Equity's Darling

          I have the same problem, but my issue also includes gym clothes. Maybe I’ll invest in my underpinnings, and then just wash gym clothes once a week…it would certainly cut down on laundry.

    • Eleanor

      Mint.com has been great for running my finances smoothly. I know some people don’t like the idea of inputting all their financial information into a website, but if you can get over that it’s great. I know where basically every cent I spend goes, I can track spending by category and over time, I track my net worth, investments, student loans, everything. I have a much better handle on all my financial stuff with it, which gives me great peace of mind.

    • Anon in NYC

      I pre-make components of lunches on Sundays, and some of them do double duty for dinner (i.e., I roast several heads of broccoli or cauliflower and then warm up the roasted broccoli for dinner). I also pre-make components of breakfast (farro, oatmeal, etc.)

      I have an automatic coffee maker, so I load it up the night before and have coffee waiting for me when I finally drag myself out of bed.

      I streamlined my wardrobe pretty significantly. I try to buy clothing that works with multiple items in my closet, or that lets me get away with wearing the fewest components possible (i.e., a dress) so I don’t have to think about anything except putting on a cardigan or blazer. This way I don’t have that debate about whether X really goes with Y: chances are, it does.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I drop my laundry off at the laundromat once a week on my way to work and pick it up on my way home. It’s worth every single penny to me.

      Another thing I do is pay all of my bills once a month. I sit down and make all the payments at once. I learned long ago that I need to track my money closely to avoid overdrafts and I always missed staggered payment dates resulting in late fees. Once a month it takes about 15 min for me to pay them all.

      During the week, I lay out my clothes, pack my lunch, and make sure everything is in my purse ready to go the night before. I can get out of my house ridiculously quickly in the morning and sleep as long as possible.

    • Anonymous

      You could also try checklists if you forget things. I have a “Prep night before gym” checklist. Things like, make sure water bottle and wallet are in the right bag, so I’m not looking for them in the morning. For some people it would just another complication, but it helps me remember little things.

      I have a bunch of other checklists, but my”night before prep” ones are the most helpful.

      Also, getting a locker at the gym so a bunch of my stuff lives there. That’s huge.

    • Plan B

      Speaking of running shoes, you can use Yankz to avoid tying/untying all together.

  19. Dating Question

    Dating question: when you’re evaluating a potential mate, especially online, how do much do you weight the person’s writing style as an indicator of personality or character? Clearly, I would judge someone for really atrocious grammar or spelling, but what about the other way?

    I’ve been exchanging emails with a guy whose writing is extremely formal and stilted. Would you take it as an indicator he’s uptight and pretentious and thus going to be a jerk, or would you consider it not all that indicative and still move forward to meeting up for coffee? He’s a lawyer, if that helps.

    • Granola

      I would meet up with him. He could be just shy and uncomfortable with the online process. I was a little put off by a guy who used unnecessarily big words (when a much simpler word would have worked just fine), but he turned out to be a really nice guy – not at all the impression I got from his emails. It was just his writing style. But, as I’ve commented before, I find it hard to get interested in someone who writes “alot” or uses “u” instead of “you” in the profile. I just can’t.

    • A Nonny Moose

      He also could be reviewing his messages over and over because he’s nervous, or English may not be his first language. I would judge poor grammar/spelling, but not uptight.

    • petitesq

      He might just be used to formal writing. It’s hard to “turn it off” when you leave work for the day and then log right back on the computer for online dating purposes. I DID absolutely judge when the spelling and grammar was poor, because in my opinion it most often meant lack of education or lack of effort, and neither was ok with me (I realize this is a broad generalization). But just being overly formal could be for so very many reasons, that I’d say give the guy a chance. It’s anecdata, but I am an attorney, met my fiance via online dating, and I know I probably came off way formal in my writing style. Also one of the guys I met pre-fiance was the same way – very formal emails, but incredibly nice guy. Unless you have other red flags, go for it.

    • Cat

      speaking as a lawyer, I can assure you that “lawyer-ese” is VERY difficult to turn off. I spend excessive amounts of time refining casual correspondence out of sheer habit. I’d give the guy a chance :)

      • Betty

        Yup. I have to make a concerted effort to turn it off, especially when emailing socially. Also, I tend to get more formal when nervous about the situation, which could be the case here.

      • Eleanor

        Agree with both Cat and Betty. I sometimes send friends very formal e-mails without thinking about it, just because it’s what I’m used to.

      • Carla

        I’m even worse with voicemails that I leave for friends or family from work. “If you could get back to me as soon as possible regarding…. it would be greatly appreciated.”

      • SFBayA

        Yup. Thankfully, most of my friends are lawyers. We all write like that if we’re not paying attention. Texts, I’m ok since I don’t text for work. But if I’m not focused, my default thought process is email = work –> write all email like work email. Same for voicemails.

    • Susie

      I didn’t really notice it when we first started dating but my husband has a really formal writing style. (For example, when he recently changed his email he sent me an email asking me to “please direct all future email correspondence to my new address at xxx.” – we’ve been married 5 years!) He’s not that uptight in real life, I guess I find it slightly funny, but I have to keep reassuring my mom that he’s just like that even to me and it’s not because he doesn’t like her.

      • Samantha

        That email is hilarious! Please tell me that was a mass email to everyone in the address book and not just you.

        • Susie

          I thought so at first, but sadly no! His texts are almost as bad (case in point today, regarding our dinner plans: “If your work keeps you late, go forward with your run and dinner will be waiting.”) Yes English is his first language, he talks more normal though slightly formal still. I blame it on him not getting hugged enough as a child.

    • LadyEnginerd

      Hi Ladies (I’m the OP). Thanks for giving me your read on it! I was leaning towards just talking in person before I assume anything, but when I asked my friends for a read on it they jumped straight to ‘pretentious jerk.’ After my last relationship ended, I’ve been worried about trusting my instincts, so I was wondering if I was totally off-base on still being willing to meet someone in person despite his writing sounding like he has a stick up his (you know where). It makes me feel a heck of a lot better to think that he might be a nice guy having problems ‘turning off’ his work writing than trying to imagine anyone actually talking like he writes.

      • springtime

        Could go either way. I would trust my gut- does it just sound formal, and maybe a bit boring/stiff? Or does it sound like ‘I think I’m the cat’s meow” and need to impress you with my words.

        Glad to see you are putting yourself out there!

      • January

        Have you tried talking on the phone yet? I think that will give you a better “read” on whether he’s pretentious or just socially awkward.

      • it's only one date, right?

        Can’t hurt to meet up once. If it ends up being a bad date, you’ll have a funny story (maybe). :)

      • LadyEnginerd

        Update! I kept an open mind and we spoke on the phone tonight. My impression is that he is not a pretentious jerk, and likely exactly the opposite. I have a little bit of a crush right now, and that alone is really exciting regardless of how it turns out! After my big awful breakup in December, all crushes are to be cherished in their own right…

        I probably wouldn’t have agreed to the phone chat without you legal ladies telling me that an overly formal writing style shouldn’t be treated as a dealbreaker. Thank you! There’s a first date on the horizon (next important question…whatever should I wear?!?!)!

        • Susie

          Yay! After a bad breakup maybe part of you was just looking for an excuse to not start anew but I’m glad it’s working out so far.

  20. Leaning Back?

    I’m in the middle of a dilemma/not-quite-mid-life crisis and I’d love some support or commiseration. After years of working at really crummy jobs and “leaning in” as hard as I could while working my way up from the very bottom of the ladder (from jobs I was extremely overqualified for, but desperate for any kind of relevant work), I have finally made it to what I thought was my dream job, at my dream company (the place I dreamed of working when I first graduated from college). Its the kind of company where people often work here their whole careers, and then retire from. Its been around for a long, long time, is well respected in the industry, and are a stable and steadily growing company. They treat employees well, pay well, are honest and ethical, and are even understanding of personal and family crises, always re-iterating that people and family come first, and employ a lot of really smart, great people. And a normal workweek is actually 35-40 working hours, unlike so many other places I’ve been. But after being here 3 years, I’m finding that I just don’t like it. At all. And I don’t know what to do. Part of the dislike is my one sticking point – I have to commute at least 2 hours every day, giving me very little time with my kids when they are awake. But I can’t move closer to work, as we love where we live, we have close family nearby that help us with the kids, and we really don’t like most of the communities closer to my job. Plus, my husband currently has a very short commute, so moving closer to my job would just add to his.

    So I’m applying to jobs nearer to home, which are kind of related to my field, but I am technically overqualified for. I would probably be even more bored at them – but they would give me back those 2 hours a day of my life with only a minor pay cut and still having decent working conditions. And I’m feeling terrible about it because I’ve always been “I am super career woman, hear me roar, watch me takeover the world with my top notch education, brains and crazy work ethic!” I was all over the “Lean In” concept, long before the book. But now I’m thinking about Leaning Back to just “a day job that pays the bills and give me health insurance”, and I suspect that if I do that, I’m never going to go back to being super career woman! (The positions I’m applying for don’t have any growth potential – they are what they are, there is no advancing). And I know its a super first world problem to have, and that women generations ago would have killed to have the choices and opportunities I have. But I’m feeling so torn, because I feel like I’d be giving up a huge part of my identity.

    The other part of my not-quite-mid-life crisis is that I’ve achieved all the original goals I’d set for my early life, and I don’t know what to do next. Graduated from an excellent college, married a great guy, had 2 kids, bought the house we plan to live in until we retire, finally landed the job at my dream company – all check. I never wanted to be a CEO or anything, just a specialized person in my field, and I’m on that path. So part of me is afraid that I’m just looking at new jobs for something to do, and I will hate myself in 5 years for giving up where I am now. But I need new life goals, and right now the only one I can think of that I really want to do is to spend more time with my family and friends – and the only way I can think of to do that is to lose the commute. And no, my job is NOT one that could be done from home, and there aren’t any part-time opportunities (plus, we need the health insurance from full time). Should I just set some new personal goals or find a new hobby instead of taking the chance of throwing away 15 years of painful ladder climbing? Because I can’t live in this limbo state for the next 25 years until I can retire – that just isn’t going to work.

    Thanks for reading my long, rambling rant. Have any of you felt this way, and what did you do about it? What would you do if you were me? Right now my plan is to apply for the jobs and then see if I actually get them before I have to make any major life changes, but I’m open to other suggestions too.

    • Carla

      Maybe I lack imagination, but I don’t know of any jobs that don’t have any growth potential. If you can’t live in this limbo state for the next 25 years then you have your answer. Apply for a local job and once you get it, create the growth potential for yourself. If you’re as accomplished and ambitious as you say you are, this shouldn’t be a problem.

    • Hollis

      I am exactly in your situation as well. I’ve hit my goals, I have every reason to be thrilled with my life, but I’m still not satisfied. So, obviously, I haven’t figured it out myself, but here are some suggestions that I’ve been running through my head:
      1. Leaning in more. Seriously – going for a higher position, more challenges, finding a way to get promoted or make a lot more $$ while still working the same hours.
      2. Create additional life goals. Who says you need to do this same thing for the next 25 years? maybe there’s something else you can do that will excite you and that you can do without a commute. Maybe start your own business of some sort? nancy pelosi didn’t run for congress until her fourth kid was maybe in high school. one of the best med mal lawyers was an orthopedic surgeon for most of his career.
      3. Can you do anything during your commute to make it more enjoyable? Maybe borrow some books on tape, learn a new language, can you take public transportation and surf the web?

    • Joan Holloway

      Your options sound very either/or. Are there other avenues to explore that you haven’t considered (i.e., starting your own business)? I highly recommend getting a coach to help you identify new goals, as well as reading the book Your Money or Your Life.

    • Coach Laura

      To “Leaning Back” – A commute that long does take away a lot from your time with your kids, so if that’s your priority, it makes sense that you might want to take an auto-pilot type job. As they say, there is a time for everything. Right now, a different focus may be in your best interest.

      But I submit to you that it can just be temporary – don’t think it has to be forever. The kids will grow up and – hard as it is for some of us like me – leave home. You can get a second wind when they’re older and/or your priorities shift. Sure, you’ll have “the road not taken” and maybe some regrets but you can still craft a satisfying career.

      Some of these questions are hard to answer because you’ve been vague about your industry/career path. It would help more to know why type of position and industry. From your description, it sounds like a limited/limiting field so what do you get out of it?

      So while you’re working at this dead-end job, here are some things that you could do:
      1) Work on a graduate degree in your field, a related/tangential field or a totally new field. There are many well-respected online degrees available and some of your excess energy could go to that.
      2)Similarly, you could work on a credential (CPA, CFA, PHR, PMP, CRM, various IT certs – there are others that I’m not thinking of now) that appeals to you. These add to your knowledge while giving you the psychological benefit of feeling “unstuck” and with self-study these could be relatively cheap and can be done at your own pace, unlike a university class.
      3) Write a novel or a cookbook, start a blog, write trade articles. Again, not knowing what field you are in limits me – ideas that might be useful are plentiful but I just don’t know enough about your interests.
      4) Develop a consulting practice, looking to expand it later when you don’t “need” health insurance.
      5) If you have a graduate degree, moonlight as an adjunct instructor at a local community college. Even without a masters’ degree, you may be able to teach for a continuing ed program.
      6) Develop a hobby that someday might be a career – photography, interior decorating, pastry chef, yoga instructor, SAT prep tutor.
      7) Join the local park board, library board or planning/zoning committee. Lead a fund-raising effort to build a new swimming pool or a cultural center. Do volunteer things for your kids’ school(s) that you can’t do now because of the commute. Mentor high-school kids who want to be first-generation college students.
      8) Train for and run a marathon or a cycling race. Raise money for the Leukemia/Lymphoma society while doing the training.
      9) Research your family genealogy.

      Write back and let me know more about your current career/job or if you have questions about these.

    • Coach Laura

      To “Leaning Back” – A commute that long does take away a lot from your time with your kids, so if that’s your priority, it makes sense that you might want to take an auto-pilot type job. As they say, there is a time for everything. Right now, a different focus may be in your best interest.

      But I submit to you that it can just be temporary – don’t think it has to be forever. The kids will grow up and – hard as it is for some of us like me – leave home. You can get a second wind when they’re older and/or your priorities shift. Sure, you’ll have “the road not taken” and maybe some regrets but you can still craft a satisfying career.

      Some of these questions are hard to answer because you’ve been vague about your industry/career path. It would help more to know why type of position and industry. From your description, it sounds like a limited/limiting field so what do you get out of it?

      So while you’re working at this dead-end job, here are some things that you could do:
      1) Work on a graduate degree in your field, a related/tangential field or a totally new field. There are many well-respected online degrees available and some of your excess energy could go to that.
      2)Similarly, you could work on a credential (CPA, CFA, PHR, PMP, CRM, various IT certs – there are others that I’m not thinking of now) that appeals to you. These add to your knowledge while giving you the psychological benefit of feeling “unstuck” and with self-study these could be relatively cheap and can be done at your own pace, unlike a university class.
      3) Write a novel or a cookbook, start a blog, write trade articles. Again, not knowing what field you are in limits me – ideas that might be useful are plentiful but I just don’t know enough about your interests.
      4) Develop a consulting practice, looking to expand it later when you don’t “need” health insurance.
      5) If you have a graduate degree, moonlight as an adjunct instructor at a local community college. Even without a masters’ degree, you may be able to teach for a continuing ed program.
      6) Develop a hobby that someday might be a career – photography, interior decorating, pastry chef, yoga instructor, SAT prep tutor.
      7) Join the local park board, library board or planning/zoning committee. Lead a fund-raising effort to build a new swimming pool or a cultural center. Do volunteer things for your kids’ school(s) that you can’t do now because of the commute. Mentor high-school kids who want to be first-generation college students.
      8) Train for and run a marathon or a cycling race. Raise money for the Leukemia/Lymphoma society while doing the training.
      9) Research your family genealogy.

      Write back and let me know more about your current career/job or if you have questions about these.

    • Corporate Cowgirl

      This is me; I was happy with what I had done so far in my professional and personal life, but felt like I wanted something different. I was at a point where I wasn’t as interested in moving up anymore at the job I was at (I had been there a long time, with many promotions), and the stress was really getting bad for me. I ended up volunteering for a layoff, so I could get severance to take some time off and think about what I wanted. I knew I wanted less stress, more time with my kids/hubby and at home, and more time to myself. I didn’t want a job that sucked the life out of me anymore. I ended up taking a job that is bit lower level for me, but with still potential to do some interesting work, and I will have less stress and more home/me time. I plan on using this time to focus on getting healthier/working out, managing stress, spending more time with my kids and hubby, and learning new hobbies, enjoying friends, getting involved in some professional organizations. All things I had no time for before. This is clearly a classic work/life balance, but I never really had it before. I do anticipate that I might get a bit bored at my new job, because I am so use to always pushing for the next big promo, but I am going to try to change that thinking, as I decided I would rather be a little bored from time to time than completely stressed.

    • M-C

      A 2h commute isn’t actually that unusual. I don’t want to rain on your parade, but the odds of your current company lasting in that ideal state for another 25 years are about zero. In fact, the odds of finding a local company that has a tiny fraction of the advantages you have now are also close to zero. I’d recommend that you hang on to a good (and rare) thing while you have it, feel your luck, and not torture yourself about a not-unusual commute. You could very well be spending that time in overtime instead, and it wouldn’t be any more productive, in fact you’d probably feel more burned out about it.

      So you detail reasons why you don’t want to move. But is there something else you can do to alleviate the commute itself? A public transportation option might take longer, but be a lot better in terms of giving you either productive work time or much-needed personal time (since you’re a mother). Even a nap can be great :-). Can you carpool? Can you explore things like audiobooks/conferences to make you feel like you’re not entirely wasting your time? Can you negotiate with your work so that you clear out any client contact from a day a week, or at least a day a month, where you work at home and are spared the commute? That’d go a long way toward giving you relief from the driving grind, and even occasional relief is better than none at all.

      Also, you may want to give more attention to the weekend, in order to balance it out with the work week. Do you spend enough time with your family, just having fun? If you spend a lot of time on house chores, maybe those can be outsourced so that you have more leisure. If you spend a lot of time in the car doing errands, maybe those can be farmed out to your husband, who has less reason to avoid the car, while you stay home and play with the kids? When I had this kind of commute, I found it essential to have at least one day a week completely car-free..

      As to the professional situation, it’s up to you to crank it up a bit so that you still feel like you’re going somewhere. It’d probably be good for you professionally as well. How about submitting a series of papers to prestigious conferences around the country/world? How about thinking through what the definitive book on your specialty would be and putting at least a rough draft on paper? How about investigating a one-class teaching gig at your local university? Most likely your workplace would look on all that with a favorable eye, and you may even get to do most of it in your normal work hours. Maybe you could even negotiate for a sabbatical, and take the family off to see the world, if only for a summer. A working one may be good, as you could see more closely how supportive the workplace is for most of the rest of the world…

      Anyway, if you find that you have achieved all your life goals, it’s likely you just didn’t have enough imagination about them :-). Or that you mistakenly thought that this kind of inventory is a static thing, that you determine when you’re young. If you’re not correcting course constantly as you go, you aren’t making the most of life, as it could be, for -you-. Changing jobs isn’t going to get you out of this rut. A little introspection is what I’d advise before you even start to contemplate outside changes.

      • worker bee

        ” I’d recommend that you hang on to a good (and rare) thing while you have it”
        I agree with this – a 2-hr commute (assuming one-way) for a 40-hour week is equivalent to a 10-hr day, which still seems to be a reasonable work week
        And a big plus one that transportation options should be explored – my commute is 1.5 hrs each way on public transportation. If I drove, it would be an hour each way but public transportation is so much more pleasant now that I have an e-reader.

    • anon

      I wonder if these jobs you are considering close to home are really that much of a dead end. Very few people will stop to think that you are taking a big step down or giving up your identity as a career woman. I think this might be all in your own head (which still matters, of course, but maybe an attitude shift is really the cure you are looking for, although I know that’s not something you can snap your fingers and change). The point is, there is a lot to your life besides work. Do what matches your priorities. If your priorities change, you can try to adjust later on. All you can do is the best you can with the knowledge/resources you have now. We could all have regrets about decisions we’ve made, but that’s just a part of life, just a part of being human. So I say, take some of the pressure off yourself. If this commute is killing your sense of personal happiness, keep looking for a change. And yes, if you don’t feel like your life is as meaningful, make a list of things that will add some bright spots to look forward to — hosting dinner parties, joining a new volunteer gig, planning a dream vacation, doing art projects with your kids, or reading a book for fun — whatever it is that brings meaning to you.

    • anabag

      Joan has hit on the two thoughts I had in response to your story:

      1. Thought about launching your own company?
      2. Hire an executive coach. I work with one and she is enormously helpful. One of their primary purposes is to help people in exactly your situation figure out what they want to do next. (Coaching of this kind can all be done by phone so you can hire a coach from anywhere.)

      Good luck!

    • Anonymous

      Here’s all I can tell you. I was in the same situation a few years ago and I found peace of mind not through finding another job or setting new goals or “leaning in” more or any of that. I made a goal to stop the constant striving, goal-setting, achieving, etc. and did more meditation, more gardening, more playing with my kid, more traveling for pleasure, and more living in the moment. Instead of focusing on my dissatisfaction or on what I COULD have been doing or SHOULD have been doing, I tried to refocus my life on one simple goal: Be Here Now. That is something our society does not value and something we are not taught how to do – be still and appreciate where we are and how lucky we are to have what we do. Doing that was way harder than getting another job, another degree, another five-year plan but I am much happier now. The emptiness we feel is not a result of what we do not have externally. It comes from within. We are the only ones who can fill that hole, and it can’t be filled with more “stuff,” more money, more status, etc. So I would say, what can you do to make your life peaceful, comfortable and happy changing nothing but your perspective and attitude? What activities can you get rid of that are not fulfilling, but that you are doing out of obligation or to conform to someone else’s superficial ideas? What I realized about myself was that I was spending money (and time) I didn’t have, on things I didn’t need, to impress people I didn’t like. The answer for me was not doing more, it was doing less. I know this all sounds very metaphysical but it worked for me. I hope you find an answer that works for you, but trust me – working yourself harder and spreading yourself thinner is not the key to happiness, regardless of what Sheryl Sandberg thinks.

  21. Paging TCFKAG

    Dearest TCFKAG,

    You are amazing. Thank you so much for the sparkly shoes!! I am in love love love with the jcrew wedges. I can have those and a regular pair of heels and not even get close to the price of the initial shoes.

    love your fellow sparkle addict,
    L

      • SFBayA

        Your blog is going to be really rough on my wallet and taxing on my strength of will to resist.

      • L

        You’d be shocked! I’ve had a hard time finding sparkly wedges that don’t read ‘dancer.’ DH is happy because he really thought I was going to spend 700 :)

  22. jcb

    Hi, a few comments on the morning thread got me thinking about self-tanning options. Some people mentioned that they like the new Jergens formulation, someone else mentioned spray tanning/airbrushing and self-tanning towels.

    I haven’t self-tanned in over a decade! My skin is very, very pale with pink undertones (redhead) and tends to be sensitive to chemicals, but I did use the light-skin neutrogena self-tanner eons ago without any issues (other than the smell; and when I used the medium-skin version, definitely had an itchy reaction, so I guess only smaller amounts of the chemicals are ok). One day I couldn’t find the light-skin version anymore, and I just stopped self-tanning altogether.

    I want to try it again this summer though, just for kicks and to see if I like the look. For those of you with experience in these matters – what is the difference between the lotion v the spray tan v the airbrush v the tanning towels? Are there differing results? Are some more prone to turn orange, and some smellier? Do some last longer? How on earth does one towel cover your whole body with product??

    I guess what I’m asking is: if you have tried different methods, what did you try, what is your favorite and why? I searched the site and came across some threads from last year talking about self-tanners a bit, but nothing really comparing the methods, so I’d appreciate any insights!

    • ITDS

      I tried the towels and found they were difficult to manage – I would up all streaky around the ankles. The slow lotions are easier for getting even results, and are great if you are only worried about arms/legs/chest. Lotion is hard to spread all over your back.

    • SoCal Gator

      I recently used the Kate Somervile tanning towlettes and they were the best things I have ever tried. Very easy to use. No bad smell. No streaking at all, which is not the case with the Jergens and other lotions I have used. Exfoliate first. I used them two days in a row (with very white legs) and got a very natural light color that, using Kate Somerville’s tan extender lotion, lasted more than a week. It’s my go-to solution now. So easy! But…. fairly pricey.

    • mascot

      If you need to be tan by tomorrow, spray tan is the way to go. Be sure to shave and exfoliate before you go and have clean skin
      For a more gradual approach, I like the daily tanning moisturizers. I apply mine every other day and that’s enough to give color and minimize streaks. The new Jergens stuff is pretty good and I also like Moist’s Hemp daily tanning lotion.

  23. Anon for this

    Just to follow up from a few weeks ago, my young supervisee once again wore her sheer peach top with the pink bra underneath with a matching bright coral jacket that made it even more obvious that her bra was showing on purpose (the jacket matched the bra). After someone else in a meeting with us both indicated that she thought it was over the top, I decided to say something. I waited until this afternoon so she wouldn’t feel self-conscious all day. I told her I didn’t want to embarrass her and that she always looks great, but this one outfit just isn’t professional for work. She was so glad I told her – and she absolutely wants me to say something if an outfit isn’t right for work because she’s in her first year in a professional position and wants to be taken seriously. She looks adorable in the outfit, but it’s not for work.

    • Equity's Darling

      I think I’m confused how she could have not known that it’s not work appropriate? I don’t understand.

      I’m glad you told her, and she seems to have taken it well, which is also great and speaks to her potential (taking criticism well is a good trait!), but, my confusion still exists re: how she thought that it would be fine.

    • TCFKAG

      Maybe I’m missing something here – is this the sort of position here where its her first ever professional job or something? I just can’t envision a world where a sheer shirt with a bra showing through is viewed as professional (too tight, too short, too baggy, too casual – these are frequently issues of degree or taste…but see through, exposed bra…kind of an obvious one.)

      Well, good on you for talking to her about it and being kind. And good for her for taking the input well.

      • Anon for this

        Yep, it’s her first professional job out of grad school and she’s really young. That’s one of the things I told her – she’s young and she wants to be taken seriously. I really don’t know how she could have thought it was appropriate.

        • A Nonny Moose

          Because she had a blazer on. I saw this a lot when I was an intern supervisor. It doesn’t always click that individual pieces that are “work” pieces. aren’t necessarily work appropriate. Clubbing dress? Throw on a blazer. Insanely tight pants? It’s OK, they’re made of wool.

          Sounds like she handled it very well, so I will at least give her credit for that.

  24. Tammy

    Any CPAs/CFAs out there? I’m finishing my MBA in a couple of weeks and I’m considering the CPA/CFA exams. I would have to take a few more accounting classes to fulfill the CPA education requirement. I’m 29 and have been working as a financial analyst for 7 years.

    • Fellow banker

      These exams are totally different and lead to very different careers. They really aren’t interchangeable options or just something you do to perk up your resume. Do you want to be a practicing accountant or a financial professional? These are very different paths. You should think about what you actually want to do before you embark on one of these. And FYI the CFA exams are insanely hard, take years to complete, and are very expensive. My colleagues who became charted in CFA are glad that they did, but it needs to fit in your larger career goals. Employer sponsorship is also required for the CFA, so you have to be working in the field to get through the later stages.

    • londonchick

      I’m taking CFA Level 3 this June.

      CFA is not for the faint-hearted – I have put so much blood, sweat and tears into this qualification. I also benefitted from having an undergraduate in accounting & finance plus work in finance (portfolio management), and I also work somewhere with a generous study leave policy.

      To be truthful, I don’t recommend the CFA for anyone over the age of 30. It is simply not possible to take this program without affecting some area of your life (relationships, work) that I think should take precedence over study at this age. It doesn’t add THAT much once your career is established and it’s useless for breaking into the industry. I needed the CFA when I started at 28, I probably don’t now at 31, but I have a lot of sunk costs in this program so may as well finish.

      • KinCA

        I second all of this. I’m not taking (nor even considering attempting) the CFA, but I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 2+ years and he’s been studying for the CFA the ENTIRE time we’ve been together. He takes level 3 this June (thank goodness!).

        I would also only consider the CFA – due to the time/labor/commitment involved – if you’re certain that finance is the road you want to continue down.

  25. Susie

    Anyone watching the Derby tomorrow? I’m a notoriously bad handicapper so this is pretty much a jinx, but I’ll be cheering for Will Take Charge.

  26. Hollis

    I am a lawyer with a terrific job at a mid-level firm – good work-life balance, good-enough pay, good commute, but I am perpetually depressed because I feel very lonely at work. Everyone keeps to themselves, and the other people my level/age are very competitive (only talking to find out what you’re doing, etc.). I thrive in a more collaborative work environment and I’m extroverted, so just being at work, isolated in my office (everyone closes their doors here), makes me miserable. Should I try and go elsewhere, even if it means I need to give up something on what makes my job a good one? Am I asking for too much? I’m literally sad or tired all day, and then I perk up when I leave to spend time with husband and kids.

      • mae

        Come work for the government. Seriously. My life got so much better in public practice.

    • Michelle

      As I see it, sure look for another job, but camaraderie among peers is a really difficult thing to determine from interviews. Meanwhile have you tried to build what you’re looking for there? If it is a reasonably sized group, there are probably one or two people you could develop some level of friendship with – maybe not besties but “work friend” level. It requires putting yourself out there, but I bet if you pick one or two to cultivate you can build some level of what you’re looking for. Even within the competitiveness, maybe organize some group developmental activity that gets you talking – seminars or conferences?

    • M-C

      You’re confusing professional life with personal life. Your good colleagues are people who work well with you. Cooperation, honesty, open communication, doing their share, that’s the kind of thing you should expect from them. If you want chats about your kids or the latest movie by the water cooler, what you need is friends. Those are usually not found at work, and need some energy to develop outside that framework. I must say going home to the husband and kids all the time right after work isn’t conducive to getting any, so maybe you need to revise your definition of good work/life balance a bit?

      • Anonymous

        No she’s not — she’s an extrovert working with a bunch of introverts and jerks. Extroverts need to be interacting with people to feel energized and excited. She should find some other extroverted lawyers in her city who love their jobs and start checking out their firms. It should be easier than finding a firm full of introverts, since extroverts join lots of organizations and enjoy social activities at conferences.

        As an introvert, I’m much happier working with other introverts and am not surprised extroverts feel the same way. Though I suspect a well run company needs both. Someone has to answer the phones after all!

    • Rosie

      What kind of law do you practice? Maybe litigation would put you in a position where you get to collaborate with others. Re: comments that you need friends. I don’t agree. I have friends and family but I LOVE when I am getting ready for a big hearing and we are constantly talking, strategizing, complaining about the latest atrocity committed by the other side, brainstorming, discussing case law, etc. But if that isn’t available, can you meet friends for lunch?

      • A

        Second the meeting friends for lunch. I like my work, but my department lacks the collaboration that I desire, but was not in a position to lateral for awhile. (I think I may be now that some time has passed). My daily mood improved when I was able to see friends for lunch at least once a week, but I also work in midtown Manhattan which makes this possible.

  27. Rufus

    I have a post partum clothing question. I am 3 weeks post partum and have lost 30/40 lbs
    I gained. However, my body is obviously very different. I am looking for a casual, easy clothes to wear this summer in south Texas. I was about a 6 pre preg, and would estimate about a 10 now on bottom and wearing a 36E. Any suggestions to help me get out of sweat pants? Thanks all!

    • Anonymous

      Jersey maxi dresses? They’re all over the place right now, comfortable, many inexpensive, and very flexible for your changing shape. Most just have an empire seam right under the bust and the rest is just flowing fabric.

    • Need to Improve

      Get yourself to the mall and buy 3 or 4 outfits you can rotate. I think they should all the dresses that you can throw on with sandals or lounge in. Summer is the perfect time to be post partum because the right dresses can be very forgiving on the mid section. Your uterus is still shrinking back to size so that whole part of you is going to be more distended for a while. I wore a lot of loose dresses and even wrap dresses during this time. My favorite dress was a maxi dress from H&M that came in tight under the b–bs, so it defined me in a flattering place, then was loose over the stomach. I had a similar situation to you–I was an H cup on top–and dresses were the easiest thing to pull down and nurse in too.

      (P.S.: You lost 30-40 pounds in three weeks–that’s amazing!)

  28. Bonnie

    It may be too late in the thread for a shopping challenge but here goes: nude wedges for work, no higher than 3 inch heel, preferably under $100.

  29. Amelia

    Ladies! I need help! I’m headed to Montreal and I need two restaurant recommendations. I need one place to take a client that is really impressing and upscale, etc. and then I need one that is super romantic (and still upscale) because I am going just with my husband and celebrating our anniversary!
    any suggesitons?

    of course, i’ll take the recommendations for regular places to eat and things to see, but those two things above are what I most crave.
    THANKS!

  30. Yellow

    can someone remind me how brooks brothers dresses run in size? Say, compared to Theory or DVF or Tory Burch?

    • AIMS

      I am one size lower in BB vs. DVF and theory. For dresses with loose skirts, I sometimes go 2 sizes lower in BB.

  31. Brunette Elle Woods

    Anyone have a suggestion for nude pumps? Summer is coming up and I’d like to wear my lighter colored work clothes with a nude shoe. I tried the Corso Como Del pump and it just didn’t work for me. I’m specific about what I’m looking for and I’m pretty pale. I’d like a simple pump, no pointy toe, no peep toe,and about a 3 inch heel. I’d like to keep the price under $150 and my feet are on the narrow side. TIA!

    • anon

      ann taylor perfect patent pump in sweet biscotti? I wanted them, but a number of reviewers said they are fair-skinned (which i’m not) and they were perfect.

      • Brunette Elle Woods

        I looked it up and the shape look great, but I’m not sure about the color. Looks a bit yellow, but I’ll have to check it out in person! Thanks.

    • Anonymous

      Can I recommend the Kate Spade Leslie in linen patent? I’ve had it for about 6 months and love it. I’m practically translucent pale, and it’s a great match. Plus well made and very comfy for a 3 inch pump (the heel is a bit thicker, but I don’t think it pushes it into the dowdy category). Lucky sizes are under $130 on amazon – around $170 on 6 pm.

    • pale person

      I am really pale with pink undertones, and my legs are especially pale. So I have a hard time finding nude-for-me pumps that don’t look Malibu Barbie tan against my skin. I tried these nine west ones recently, and they are awesome. Technically, they are a very pale pink. It matches nicely with my skin.

      They seem to fit most of your requirements. http://www.zappos.com/nine-west-ambitious-pink-puff-leather

  32. Ebonie Townsend

    Can anyone recommend some books or websites on how to get started with investing? I’m browsing through the posts tagged with Personal Finance, and a lot of the jargon is way over my head. Thanks!

  33. Jeans Help!

    I’m trying to find a pair of nice skinny (but not super skinny) jeans for under $100. I have a pair of Paige Skyline jeans (in bootcut) that I love – but I can’t afford another pair. Any mall stores that have better jeans than Gap or Old Navy but have similar fits? I have a pair of Express jeans, but the rise is a little low for me, and I’m ample of thigh, so that rules out a few brands.

    Thanks for any suggestions!

    • Eternally Hopeful

      I used to really like Gap but got frustrated because they stretched and sagged, and there seemed to be no way of fixing it. I “upgraded” to Levi’s recently (I went to one of their stores where they analyze your body/measurements and give personalized recommendations) and have been very happy with both their skinnies and their straight cut. They seem like better quality for a similar price to Gap… I think I paid $80 a pair.

      • big dipper

        Second! I love my Levis, I live in them. I bought them on super sale (they have 2-for deals relatively frequently) at a local Levi’s store and I’ve been wearing them daily for two years now.

        They don’t stretch and sag the way my Gap jeans had. Also, a few of my friends swear by J.Crew jeans so maybe check out their sales?

        • Jeans Help!

          Thanks for the suggestions! There is Levi store not too far away, maybe I’ll stop by.

  34. NOLA

    For anyone looking for comfortable flats I tried on these Ivanka Trump Haydn flats today: http://www1.macys.com/shop/product/ivanka-trump-shoes-hadyn-ballet-flats?ID=794622&CategoryID=50295&LinkType=#fn=BRAND%3DIvanka%20Trump%26sp%3D1%26spc%3D2%26ruleId%3D69%26slotId%3D2
    I ended up ordering them because I loved the gold (they’re called nude but they’re more metallic almost rose gold) and they didn’t have my size. They are really well padded inside and so soft. Cute but not cutesy. Like all Ivanka Trump shoes, they run a 1/2 size large.

  35. home dry cleaning?

    Has anyone used and liked a home dry cleaning kit? I only plan to use it for silk tops, not for suits or sweaters.

    • Abby Lockhart

      I’ve used Dryel and Dry Cleaners Secret between actual dry cleanings regularly for a couple of years. I can’t say I’ve ever used it for spot cleaning/stain removal, just for freshening. I’ve heard the Dryel spot cleaner is excellent, but I can’t speak to it myself.

  36. Monday

    Petites who want a maxi dress and have trouble finding one–I just got this in the mail and am thrilled with it. It’s not an actual petite size but I am 5’3″ and it hits right where I want, at the ankles and well off the floor even when I’m in flats. It does fit snugly, as on the model, so you won’t like it if you’re looking for something flowy. However, it’s not indecently clingy either.

    http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/product/clothes-dresses/27020114.jsp

    I have so much trouble finding these things and love it so much, I kind of want the other colorway, but it’s sold out in my size. I already called to see if it could be found anywhere–no. Any suggestions for ways to try to track it down elsewhere? No luck on Amazon or ebay.

    • AIMS

      It’s cute! My experience with Anthro is that they get stuff back in stock frequently, so I would keep checking. Not sure if there’s an alert you can set up, but I’d bet that it turns up sooner or later.

      • Monday

        Thanks! I feel kind of silly checking back in every day, but I admit it has worked for me in the past with other retailers. I just don’t shop at Anthropologie often and don’t know what the deal is with this brand since I can’t find it anywhere else!

  37. Anonymous

    Can I get some tips from the home renovation savy corp0r3tt3s? I am in a rental and allowed to paint. Here are my issues besides the general paingint. The baseboards look like they just keep getting painted over. they are all bumpy and uneven. Do I just paint over them again? Scrap them off? I also have some spots in the wall where the paint has bubbled and is falling off. Do I also do some sort of scraping there? What kind of tools do I need to paint? I am assuming a roller and regular brush. Also if there are cracks in the wall (small) do I paint right over them? Or should I be doing some sort of plaster. Thank you!

    • saacnmama

      You can use a heat tool (not sure of the name in English) to melt the layers of old paint off, if you love your place and are planning to stay a while. It’s a pain to do this, but the one time I did, it worked nicely.

    • NOLA

      Well the problem is partly that it sounds like yours is not cracking or peeling so that would make it more difficult. When I painted my hallway, it was beige and had started to peel off and there were two layers of green underneath. There was no way that I could strip it so I took a scraper and scraped it down a few layers wherever it was peeling then I sanded the edges so it didn’t look weird and bumpy. It took forever, I’m not gonna lie. But it was so worth. My upstairs hallway (which has 5 doors) was the rosy beige of old telephones – both the walls and trim. So ugly. Now it’s a beautiful buttery yellow with white trim and it makes me happy every day.

    • MaggieLizer

      This is a bit late but hoping you see this… before you do anything other than strictly painting, please get your landlord’s OK. It sounds like you might have to scrape, sand, and repair parts of the drywall and baseboards. To me, that goes beyond just “painting,” and a landlord might not be comfortable with a layperson doing stuff like that.

      If your landlord is OK with it, though, take some pictures of the areas you want to fix and go to a hardware store for advice. Maybe the bubbles are just caused by bad paint, but personally I’d want someone to look at it to make sure it’s not water or mold or something. Plus they can let you know what exactly you need to do, and check youtube for a refresher. Good luck!

    • Anonymous

      You didn’t link to a specific one, but in general I think they look lovely. And sinfully priced, but I the good way.

  39. Anonymous

    Re: awkwardness of people in town for a wedding to which you were not invited

    Background is a bunch of friends from college are in town for a mutual friend’s wedding. I’m not super close with the bride so I was not invited. My friends were trying to make time to see me (since they are not often in my city) while also fitting in wedding events and I posted earlier in the week that it was kind of getting awkward.

    Update is – I received a snarky text message from the bride “Jane” this afternoon (today is her wedding day!) asking me to please leave her guests some time to come to her events.

    I’ve been trying to see all my friends in town separately (or rather – we’ve mutually been trying to see each other – definitely not trying to force my company upon them!), a bit away from the wedding location, so as to not create an awkward situation where a whole crew is together sans the bride. I haven’t asked a lot about wedding events besides asking if they have time to do X. I had brunch this AM with two friends, and coffee this afternoon with a couple other in the time between the ceremony and the reception (the coffee did run a little longer than planned but I assumed that my friends would handle their own timetables for getting to wedding stuff). I was planning on having brunch tomorrow with two more friends (and their SOs) before their afternoon flights, since the rest of them were flying out tomorrow morning.

    I texted back “What???? So sorry if I am intruding and happy wedding day! Hope it’s wonderful” and she told me she was planning on a brunch for guests tomorrow and it wasn’t fair of me to plan one too. Um… how was I supposed to know? I wasn’t invited. I texted my friends to say of course, if Jane has an wedding event planned, I had no intention of asking you to miss that! Sorry to miss seeing you! to which both responded “no no, we’d rather come see you!”

    I have no idea what I ought to do. Should I go (and see friends I want to see, who I kind of think are big kids that should be able to decide how to spend their time) or just preemptively say I’m not comfortable going to brunch with them and potentially making Jane angry at me and our mutual friends?

    • NOLA

      I think you’re right that your friends are grown people who are responsible for their own plans and the bride is getting bent out of shape with you over something you have no control over. Sorry you’re having to deal with this. I guess tell your friends that the bride may be unhappy if they have brunch with you, but you’re leaving the decision up to them.

      • Mintberrycrunch

        +1. Who has time to send snarky texts on their wedding day? Do you.

      • MB

        You have had the misfortune to encounter that not-so-rare of troublesome creatures, the bridezilla. This is HER day and she wants everyone focused on HER and it will be about ME, ME, ME until the moment she departs for her honeymoon and therefore no longer needs an audience for her every move. What do you do? You do nothing other than what you and your friends want to do. Her bad behavior and poor manners are her problem, not yours. And no, her attitude isn’t normal. I have been in similar situations – not invited to the wedding of a friend of a friend, but my friends and I still want to hang out when they’re around – and I have never, ever gotten a text like the one you received. I’m appalled that she felt it was acceptable to send that to you! Just do what you want and let the Princess Bride deal with it. We all have to learn, at some time or another, that life is not all about us and what we want. Now’s as good a time as any for this girl.

    • saacnmama

      They’re big kids and made their choices. It’s nearly noon on the East Coast. Hope you’re enjoying a fab brunch with old friends and seeing them off at teh airport!

  40. Anon

    I may repost if it’s too late for this, but… I just found out a dear friend’s parent died. She lives very far away from where the funeral will be and also very far from me. I plan to reach out to her by email right away so she know how much I am thinking of her, but I’d also like to send her something for when she gets home. The traditional food, flowers, etc. don’t make sense in this situation…. So, any ideas? I will likely couple whatever I send with a donation to a charity, but I want to send something for her, too.

    • NYNY

      I m anticipating a similar situation soon; my dear friend’s father is terminally ill. She’s in the NW, and her family is in the SW, while I’m in the NE. I will try to go to hometown for the funeral, if possible, but in the meantime, I’ve been sending texts, emails, and care packages.

      In your situation, I would send her the email, send a condolence card to her family with mention of the donation, and wait until after the funeral to do anything else. She’s going to need the support of her friends for some time after the business of the funeral is over and she’s back home. That’s a good time to send “take care of yourself” things. Depending on what your friend is like, it could be pampering beauty products, massage gift certificate, meal delivery, a cuddly throw blanket, etc. And regular communication from you, of course.

    • momentsofabsurdity

      When my grandfather died, the funeral was halfway across the country from me, and two of my best friends who are not local pitched in and sent a fruit basket to my house when I returned. I know you said food/flowers won’t work – but can you send it when she gets back? I was overwhelmed with support when he died, and having something show up unexpectedly a few days after I got home, while I was still very much in the grieving process, was so, so kind.

      Alternatively, can you send her a “care package” basket, maybe with teas, hot chocolates, a soothing eye mask, essential oils, a framed photograph of her with her parent, if you have one, a journal, a cozy blanket, etc along with a note telling her how sorry you are?

      • saacnmama

        I’m fortunate that I haven’t gone through this yet, but a couple of my friends have. One of them kept the news quiet for a week or two until she had re stabilized, but she still seemed to genuinely appreciate a note one month later just saying that I hoped she was doing well, with a little comfort gift. The other put the word out soon, so I sent a card, and when she happened to be in my part of the country a couple weeks later with her mother and daughter, I was able to personally convey my condolences.

      • mascot

        I second the idea of sending her something once she gets back home. She will still be grieving for some time and having something show up several weeks later is a really nice thing.

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