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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 320 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread |

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Sales of note for 9.16.24

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Comments

    • MJ

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      Thank you! Fulbright scholars do amazing things all over the world…let’s support them.

      http://www.savefulbright.org/

  2. TO Lawyer

    I need to vent here for a second. There’s a huge family event happening next month and I did not get my own invite. Why you ask – oh because I’m single so I apparently got lumped in with my parents invite. Which is one thing but I live in a different city than my parents and am completely independent. Apparently, no one in my extended family will consider me a “real adult” until I’m married, at which point I will get my own invites to things (probably addressed to my husband).

    So apparently, despite the fact that I own my own place, have a good job, live on my own (and have for years), I am still a child. I’m so tempted not to go because I “wasn’t invited” but I don’t want to be petty so I’m going but I’m infuriated.

    • Senior Attorney

      Gah. That is horrible.

      Can you call the person who issued the invitations and inquire about what happened to yours?

      “Aunt Rose, I’m so excited about the family event but I haven’t received my invitation and I’m afraid it must have gotten lost in the mail/in cyberspace! So I’m just checking to make sure I am, in fact, invited, and to see whether you should send me a duplicate invitation so I’ll have all the details! Thanks so much! Can’t wait!!”

      • Senior Attorney

        Gah. “To see whether you WOULD send me a duplicate!” Of course she SHOULD have sent you one in the first place!

        • anon-oh-no

          this is super passive-aggressive.

          Its not subtle at all. its just as obnoxious as the behavior about which the OP is complaining.

          while the OPs point is a valid one for sure, there may be a good chance the relative does not consider the OP a “child.” This happened to me all the time in my family until i got married. a lot of people just do this — likely because kids move out to college, move around etc until they get married. a lot of relatives dont think to much about trying to keep up with various addresses and such, especially if there is a big family, and know the kids can be reached through the parents.

          • abogada

            I agree that this is super passive-aggressive.

            Also, don’t know if this is true in the OP’s case, but just throwing it out there….

            My relatives often included the “kids” in their parents invitations until the kids got married, because prior to the marriage (with wedding invitations and thank you cards and etc.) the kids never bothered providing their current addresses to the extended families, so they just got lumped in with their parents invitations. Conversely, I started sending my own Christmas cards to the family when I was 13, and always sent change-of-address cards every time I moved, so I always got my own invitations (and Christmas cards, once I moved out on my own).

            I admit, I do the same now to younger cousins, partly because I sometimes forget that they are 23 instead of 16, and sometimes because I’ve heard through the grapevine that they’ve moved again since I last msg’d them for their address last Christmas and I’m just not interested in follow up to again request their new address.

          • Senior Attorney

            You make an interesting point. I always sent Christmas cards from the time I had my first apartment, so everybody had my address, but that’s not as common any more. That said, when I got married I called the older relatives to get the addresses for the younger relatives.

            However, the OP says this was an evite so it doesn’t let the event organizers off the hook! ;)

      • TO Lawyer

        Yes this is a great way of phrasing it. I’m going to see the organizers of the party this weekend so I will mention something to them. It’s going to take everything I have to be pleasant and not snarky though

        • DC Darling

          I seriously disagree. Starting a chain of passive aggressive behavior is not the way to go. It only sets a bad precedent for the future. Just be upfront with her.

          “Hey Uncle Jo, Really looking forward to the annual family X but I didn’t get an invite? I have all the info from my parents but in the future could you send things to this address _______? Thanks, I’d appreciate it!”

    • M

      THIS. My fiance did not understand why I insisted on sending all his almost-thirty-something friends their own invitations to our wedding. It is a regional thing I think (he is from a small town). A lot of people he knows put us on his parents’ invitations to weddings. We are in our late twenties and have our own place – how is this a thing??

      • Katie

        No kidding! My fiancé and I (we’d been living together for a couple of years at this point) were listed on the invite addressed to my mother for my cousin’s wedding, which was a circus to the tune of “we’ll shell out thousands for crazy decor and a venue so everything looks great in pictures, but will totally cheap out on guests’ comfort”. So strange and reallllly penny-pinching. Get a cheaper invite if you can’t afford to send one to every household/ independent adult.

      • DC Darling

        To be fair, I come from a culture in which a lot of people do live at home until they’re married. In that case, the default is to send the invitation to the “family home” to make sure they know that everyone is invited, even if kids have since moved on.

        On the other hand, everyone would’ve come anyway even if we hadn’t explicitly sent out individual invites.

    • Lavinia

      I hate that. That happened to me for my cousin’s wedding a couple of years ago. My parents hadn’t looked closely at the invitation’s envelope, and I lived halfway across the country (and out of school, completely independent, etc.). I had to awkwardly ask my grandma to inquire about whether I was invited.

    • Susie

      My aunts and uncles always send stuff to my parents house – sometimes addressed to me sometimes just a generic family invite. I am married. It’s just easier than keeping track of all 40 cousin’s own addresses!

      • TO Lawyer

        I totally get that but in this case, my married cousin got her own invite and I didn’t so I don’t think this is a matter of convenience. Hence my frustration :)

    • tesyaa

      I am so careful NOT to do this. Apparently my husband’s grown sisters were offended that they didn’t get their own invites to our wedding. Have not made this mistake again.

    • Meg Murry

      Are you sure you’re not part of my extended family? There has been all kinds of drama with my mother’s extended family because “no one from your family bothered to show up” to an anniversary party. Do you know why we didn’t come? Because we didn’t know about it, because you only sent an invite to my grandma and expected her to spread the word to her 6 kids, 15 grandkids, 5 great grandkids and their spouses! And just once casually mentioned to her “are any of your kids coming?” never telling her that she was supposed to share the invitation with her 50 and 60 year old “kids”. So now every family invite requires an awkward call trying to figure out if they MEANT to invite all the generations, without trying to imply that we EXPECTED you to invite everyone (we aren’t trying to add extra guests, just trying not to skip out on expected family events). Its a mess. And I understand its difficult to gather up that many family addresses. But we do have these things call phones and email now, ya know? Or even just a handwritten ” please invite your kids too” line!
      Gah, family drama! But you could also make a point of handing out your address to the organizers and other family members, saying “I don’t think you have my address, here it is”.

      • TO Lawyer

        The worst part is that the invites were done by evite and I’m quite sure the organizer has my email address so it’s not even extra effort/expense to send me an invite. Ok I’m done venting – I’m going to ask nicely (while actually making a point) and hope people realize that marriage doesn’t exactly equal adult.

        • hellskitchen

          You are right – if it’s an evite and they couldn’t be bothered to add an extra email address in the invite, that is pretty thoughtless of them. You are not petty to be pissed about this, I’d be too. Did they just do this by marital status or was gender a factor too? Did your male adult single cousins get their own invite or were they too at least lumped in with their parents?

          • TO Lawyer

            There are no male adult single cousins so unfortunately no basis for comparison. And maybe I am petty for getting upset over something fairly minor but as one of the commenters noted, this is not the only example of this in my life, and getting married right now is not exactly in my control so it’s frustrating that in my family, it’s the only marker of adulthood (in their minds).

            Thanks for all your advice and commiseration ladies – I appreciate it!

          • Meg Murry

            Does the evite allow guests to invite other guests? Its possible your other cousins were added/invited by their own parents, not the organizer – I think this is possible in Evites.

    • Pinky

      It must be exhausting to get so upset over things like this. Seriously who cares? You’re invited, you know you’re invited. Go if you want, don’t go if you don’t want. Don’t be so petty.

      • Wildkitten

        Eh. It’s not especially petty to want other people to treat you like you an independent adult human. That’s pretty basic.

      • Sacha

        I suspect this is one example of an issue that takes many forms in OP’s life. It is something I deal with, too. And I’m 40. And it is my parents and work superiors who treat me this way.

      • M

        My issue with it is that I end up finding out about events I am expected to attend the day before or the day of the event because my fiance’s mother forgot to mention it until then. I like to plan things and it is inconsiderate to expect people to attend events if you cannot be bothered to get them the details of the event. And let’s not touch on the drama that ensues if I take the tact of “well I’m just not attending then.”

      • anon atty

        I was thinking the same thing. I understand that different things bother different people, but this just doesnt seem like the one I would get all worked up about. Invitations do not equal adult. And judging by all of the responses here, this is a very common issue and not really the sign of some systemic problem.

      • Anonymous

        This is not petty! At least in my family, it’s connected with all sorts of other obnoxious assumptions about family roles. And I’m divorced and have a kid!

    • M2

      I have not lived at home for 10 years, am married, and I *still* do not get a separate invitation for family functions. If it is a mailed-invitation situation for someone in my generation of the family (i.e. cousin’s wedding), I will get one, but otherwise it is standard practice to assume my mother will provide me with the details. Your family may differ, but from where I’m sitting it seems to be a combination of habit and laziness. To the older folks in the crowd, you will always be so-and-so’s daughter.

    • anon

      Same thing happened to me earlier in the week. I’m a grown a** lady who, while lives within 60 miles of her parents and sees them on a semi-regular basis, does not live with them. I asked my mother if the event was being held because I didn’t get an email invite (not a hard copy, an email invite). She said yes, but she didn’t know the details. The next day, a formal invite went out, which I didn’t get. Because she knew I wouldn’t go if I didn’t get my own invite, before I could even bring it up again, she emailed the family member who was hosting and bcc’ed me and said, “Anon is an adult who sets her own schedule. If you would like her to come, you must include her, because she is not automatically a part of this invitation. In the future, she should also be considered on the planning emails, as this date may not work for her just because it works for her parents.”

    • Anon too

      Two thoughts: 1. One invitation = 1 gift, from those on the invitation.
      And 2. Be the bigger grown up, use your words and actually explain why you’re upset to the woman and ask for your own invitation.

    • TO Lawyer

      So update: I asked why I didn’t get my own invite and I was told its because I don’t have a husband. So I expressed a very strong opposition to that idea and I was at least heard out. But man I almost lost it during that conversation.

      • Coach Laura

        Mind blown. Seriously, TO Lawyer I can’t believe they said that but even more that they believe it!

      • Anon

        Wow, that’s awful. Sounds like you dealt with it really well, though.

        Can I ask – by any chance – if you’re South Asian? I am, and I can see this happening in my community. Grown-a$$ women with jobs, lives and homes getting lumped in with their parents for weddings, etc. when they are 35+. It’s infuriating.

  3. Senior Attorney

    My Marine is reporting to his new duty station tomorrow morning, but may I say that spending a ton of time with him over the past month has been just exactly what the doctor ordered for me? We threw him a fun welcome-home party with all his friends, we’ve been on a couple of short trips, we’ve been to the theatre, we’ve been to some good movies, and we’ve gotten in some fantastic hanging-out-together time (binge-watching Game of Thrones = big, big fun!). All of which was sorely needed by both of us, I think.

    And best of all, and quite unexpectedly, having him stay with me has made my temporary-quarters Bachelorette Pad feel a whole lot more like home! I don’t feel quite so much like a displaced person any more.

    So, yay.

    That is all. :)

    • zora

      Awww!! Yay, I’m so glad you had a great time! I lovelovelove quality hang out time with my mom, I’m sure he loved it. ;o) And you deserved some pure, awesome, goodtimes, woman!! MOAR YAYS!

    • Samantha

      Sounds great! I’m glad you got to spend that one-on-one bonding time with your son!

  4. Calico

    Hive, can you help out a lady with social anxiety? I’m trying to plan my wedding. I’ve never thrown a party in my life and I’m not doing a great job of it. Some of the comments here have made me more anxious about who to invite and who not to invite. Basically, I don’t care about gifts at all, I just want my guests to have a good time. I have some friends who I’m on the fence about inviting. I would love for them to come, but I don’t want them to feel obligated to travel across the country for this small party. (It’s just a dinner, not 3 days of activities.) We know each other from work only, so no friends in common. Because of our long distance friendship we don’t have a chance to socialize more than every couple years. I’m worried that it might appear like a “gift grab” if I invite them. But I also feel uncomfortable continuing our email correspondences with out mentioning the reason I’m so busy lately. So then I feel like I need to address that I’m not inviting them, along the lines of “it’s a small party,” etc, etc. Or should I just invite them and hope that they see it as a goodwill gesture and not an obligation?

    • Anon

      Yes, send them an invitation and mention that you’d love for them to come, but understand that they may not be able to make it so far and won’t be offended if they decline.

      • Meg Murry

        This is a good way to phrase it. You could even email them to ask for their mailing addresses (or confirm mailing address if you already have it) and add those lines at the end.

      • Susie

        Adding that qualifier makes is sounds more like you don’t want them to come just send a gift. I’d just invite them and let them decide whether they can/want to come.

    • rosie

      I think that if you would like them to attend and have space for them, you should invite them. You don’t have to host a three-day party; I am sure attending the ceremony and a dinner will be lovely.

    • LH

      I can’t imagine seeing an invitation as a gift grab (except for that whole B-list thing that was discussed recently) but then I don’t really feel an obligation to send a gift if I don’t attend the wedding and I’m not especially close to the person; I just send a congratulatory card instead. I think its 100% fine to just invite them without any explanation, but if you’re worried you could just reach out to them and tell them what you said here – “I will completely understand if you don’t want to travel across the country for one evening, but I’d love for you to be part of our special day.”
      FWIW, if your primary goal at your wedding is making sure you guests have a good time, they definitely will!

    • LizNYC

      You can totally invite them. I’ve been invited to weddings across the country, and when possible, I’ve attended. Others that I couldn’t, we made plans to see each other at other times. When you contact them, you could say what others have said above. You don’t need a three-day celebration (unless that’s what you want). Just be prepared that the time surrounding your actual wedding day might be busier/crazier/more stressful that you think it will, so time for visiting friends and relatives might not be as plentiful as you hoped for (at least it was in my case, and I only had 80 people at my wedding).

    • anon

      I think the worst advice I’ve read on here is the concern about “gift grabs.” I think it’s far nicer to invite people to things, and that the vast majority of people will not see an invitation as a gift grab. If this is someone you want to invite, invite them. Make this an always rule.

      • KLG

        Yep, there is always an option to decline to the response card. I don’t know why people get so bent out of shape thinking people are gift-grabbing.

    • Katie

      It’s an invitation, not a summons. Even if they can’t come, they’ll feel touched you wanted to extend the invite, and you’ll feel better knowing they at least had the option.

    • introvert bride

      I had very similar feelings to you when planning my wedding, and opted to not invite a high school friend that I hadn’t seen in years. I later found out she was really hurt by this. If I could do it over, I’d send the invite.

    • abogada

      If you don’t care about gifts, maybe include “no gifts, please” line on your invitations (to everyone, not just the people at a distance).

      • Anonattorney

        Just call them *and tell them* exactly what you said in your post. Whoops.

  5. Toffee

    I love Nine West shoes because they fit perfectly. What other brands fit the same as Nine West?

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      I’m also a fan of Nine West, and I’ve found Aldo usually has a similar fit (although they’re not as well-padded, so plan to add shoe inserts to make them more comfortable).

      • Susie

        True, but I love Nine West while Bandolino has been one of the worst fits for me. For what it’s worth I haven’t found any other brand (besides NW) with as much universal success in terms of fit. Well actually Payless shoes are usually very comfortable for me but I’m trying to step up the quality.

        • Squirrely

          And I have the exact opposite issue. I can’t wear 9 West but have had great luck w/ Bandolinis (I have narrow feet & high arches, fwiw).

  6. B

    I’m curious to get y’all’s thoughts on cars. I am a Biglaw, mid-level associate with a good shot at making partner in 4 years, and the car I bought when I graduated from college needs to be upgraded. How important do you think it is to have a “lawyer” car? I do occasionally drive clients around, and certainly take summer associates and/or other attorneys to lunch, and I am sometimes a bit ashamed at my 10 year old car. Just curious whether others think it is important to have a “lawyer” car to go along with all the other aspects of a professional appearance.

    And if you care to share, I’m also open to ideas and feedback on specific cars. I want a sporty, 4-door sedan, so look at the 3-Series, Lexus IS250, Volvo S60 and the like. Would love to stay under $40k, but can go up a little if necessary. But since I’m still finishing paying off my loans, the alternative would be to go with something a bit cheaper, such as a Mazda6 – this is the where the whole should I get a lawyer car or should I get something cheaper comes in.

    • Calico

      I always think of this Zach Braff and Rachel Bilson movie where he says something along the lines of, “isn’t it great that I can get an inexpensive Prius and people think I’m just environmental, not cheap?” I think there’s a great deal of truth to that. Plus it’s a Toyota and they are so reliable and inexpensive to maintain.

      • Carrie

        +1000

        This is me.

        However, the reliability of Lexus is smart… if you seem to be going in that direction… since it is a Toyota too.

          • Calico

            Oh yeah! Those little Fiats are so cute and affordable but not exactly practical for driving clients.

    • Maddie Ross

      A “lawyer” car is what you can afford and be happy driving. There’s no particular make or model that you need to have. That’s insane. I am of the opinion that you probably shouldn’t be driving a 25 year old corolla held-together with duct tape if you are driving around clients, but any well-maintained car that you enjoy driving should suffice.

      • a lawyer

        +1
        One of the youngest lawyers in our firm buys himself and his wife a new vehicle every couple of years. He grew up in a very wealthy family and is the only heir to a couple of fortunes. OTOH, during one “dry spell” in the office cash flow (we have a largely plaintiff’s firm which does not borrow money to pay partners money we don’t have), he wound up borrowing money from every friend he had.
        It depends on what’s important to you, but as long as your car is safe and clean and reasonably comfortable, it should be fine. Don’t let the keeping up with the Jones’ make you purchase something you cannot afford or would rather not purchase if you had rather put your money elsewhere.
        I just this week traded my 7 year old Avalon for a new 2013 Avalon hybrid. I’ve driven 386 miles and have another 150 or so left before I have to buy more gas. And I love the car!
        In 20 years, you will wish you had spent less on cars and put more into your 401k or savings, I promise!

    • Anon

      What is a “lawyer car”?

      I’m a lawyer. I drive a Volvo S40 that I bought in 2005. I will drive it until it falls apart, and then I’ll probably buy a Subaru.

      If you are driving people around in your car for work, then I’d make sure that (1) it is relatively clean, (2) you have enough gas, and (3) you don’t have any ridiculous bumper stickers. That’s about it.

      • Senior Attorney

        And that it’s big enough so they’re not squished in the back seat. Be sure and sit in the back seat when you’re car shopping because sometimes the biggest cars can have awful back seats, and vice versa.

      • Anonattorney

        We’re the same person Anon @ 2:32! I, also a lawyer, drive a 2005 volvo s40 (is your’s, perhaps, silver?) and plan to buy a Subaru once it falls apart. These days I’ve been leaning toward the Forrester over the Outback.

        I feel like I’m looking in the mirror. :)

    • Anon

      *Sigh.* I’m having these same questions sprout up in my mind. I’ve started to feel bad about driving big time clients around in my old car. I really want to get a pickup truck, but I doubt that’s any better since it’s not a “lawyer car.”

      • just Karen

        I know a number of attorneys with pickup trucks, but I do live in Oklahoma…

    • LH

      I’m a Biglaw junior associate, but not that junior that I couldn’t upgrade to a nicer car. I have a 15 year-old Toyota, but it runs beautifully and looks decent. I get a lot of grief about it from co-workers, but I couldn’t care less. I love my car, its super reliable, inexpensive to maintain and there are so many other things I would rather spend my money on than a new car, given that I already have one that works great. When my car eventually dies (hopefully not for another 10 years!) I will buy another Toyota – the brand has earned my loyalty & I have no interest in luxury cars. (I don’t drive clients and don’t think I would have occasion to in the forseeable future, but I do drive other attorneys & summers. But my car has a clean interior and is reliable, so I don’t feel any shame).

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      Sigh. In an ideal world, there’d be no such thing as a “lawyer car,” and you could just drive whatever you can afford that makes you happy, and as long as the interior is clean clients wouldn’t give a sh!t, but recognizing and accepting that that’s just not the reality for some people in some firms in some regions, here’s my input:

      In my experience (in the driver-heavy office where I used to work) the preference was for either expensive cars, or “statement” cars – so the lot was this weird mix of BMW/Audi/Lexus/Infiniti/Volvo, on the one hand, and a pack of Priuses (would the plural be Prii?) with a smattering of Mini Coopers and a few random convertibles on the other hand.

      There were also a number of senior associates who went with fully-loaded/luxury-style versions of less-expensive cars (so, for example, the leather-seat-having, moon-roofed Mazda6 with the park-assist add-on over a basic, entry-level BMW). Another “trick” some associates used would be to buy a certified pre-owned luxury car – these are usually about 2 years old and are coming off leases, so they’re relatively low mileage and pretty well cared for, but a lot less expensive. Since the client doesn’t really know whether your 3-year-old Lexus is new-to-you or just the car you’ve been driving for 3 years, you give the same impression while spending $10-$20K less on the car.

      • Carine

        I went the certified pre-owned route so I could get (i.e., afford) the Volvo I wanted. I’ve been really happy with it. I’m paranoid about accidents, so I love how sturdy and safe it feels. And I agree, it absolutely shouldn’t be a thing, but more than a few colleagues have commented approvingly on my “lawyer car.”

    • Diana Barry

      I would get either a Prius, if you like the way it drives, or a small infiniti (G37) or acura (IL or TL). IME the Japanese cars are more reliable than BMW et al.

    • Gail the Goldfish

      So what you’re saying is the other lawyers are silently judging my 17-year old Toyota with peeling paint? (I swear, I’ll get it painted eventually. Though it will cost me more to paint it than the car is worth).

    • Kiwi

      Out of curiosity, where is it possible to be working in “Biglaw” and driving to work?

      • anonforthis

        When I lived in the DC suburbs (Arlington), my BigLaw roommate drove to her job in DC proper even though we lived right on the orange line.

        • Kiwi

          I’m in Chicago Biglaw, and I cannot imagine someone driving (and parking) downtown, nor could I imagine anyone in Boston or DC, where I’ve lived previously, doing that. It’s the biggest waste of money and environmentally ridiculous thing I can imagine.

          • Anon

            Your “biggest waste of money” is someone else’s “this is worth the splurge”. That is why those expensive monthly parking lots in the loop are almost always full.

            See also: haircuts at the fancy salon, takeout for dinner, vacations, horseback riding lessons, jimmy choos, $250 a month for crossfit, $50 bottles of wine, etc. etc. Everyone has different priorities.

          • anon-oh-no

            you are not very imaginative. but you are very judgmental.

            i’m in biglaw in chicago and i drive to work. my husband, also a biglaw partner at another firm, drives with me. everyday. lots of partners at my firm and his drive to work. so youre wrong that it doesnt happen here. it does. a lot.

            from the money standpoint, its not much more expensive (maybe 50-100 bucks a month, depending on gas costs). But from a time perspective, it is a HUGE savings. Also, when you have children and need to get them to school, taking public transportation is not a fun option — and in many cases, its not even an available option.

            im also not too concerned about the environmental option, given that we drive a small(ish) car that gets good gas milage, drop our two kids off at different locations, and then drive in together.

            Maybe you should consider all of the possible facts before making crazy statements like that.

          • Wildkitten

            I’ve lived in DC and Chicago and while I can’t imagine driving to work, a lot of my coworkers did it in both locations.

          • ac

            I’m also in biglaw in Chicago & drive to work. It means that I can leave the office and put my kids to bed at night — versus spending a lot more time on the el in the evening (& after normal-person rush hour, when the trains are less frequent) arriving after they have gone to sleep. I only pay about $300 all-in for parking each month, so it’s also not the “biggest waste of money.”

            It may not be the right choice for you, but I don’t think the hyperbole is necessary.

          • E

            My mom drove from a nearby suburb to River North every day. It can be a time savings but it depends on where you’re coming from and your hours. As a 25yr old I can’t imagine driving to work downtown but it’s because of money and public transportation takes me 20min which is about ~5min more than driving.

          • E

            Well yeah I wouldn’t encourage driving when public transportation is a reasonably economical alternative.. I have to commute to client locations all over the greater Chicago area where public transportation isn’t an option and spend more than 2hrs a day in the car so if more people could stay off the roads I’d be grateful. It is what it is.

          • June

            For a lot of people, the office isn’t their only stop, they may have to go office, court/dep/meeting, then back to office, or some combination thereof. Also, a lot of time you may unexpectedly have to go somewhere not accessible by public transportation, and you won’t have time to back home and get your car.

            As a 3L I interviewed at a firm in Philly and they asked me if I had a car, otherwise I’d be calling up zipcar a lot.

        • Anonymous

          Driving to work in Atlanta is the most awful thing in the world. I have had better experiences in New York and Chicago during rush hour, I swear.

          I am actually considering starting to use the MARTA. I still have to drive to the station, but it’s close and there us free parking (not walkable, no way). Then it’s a nice, happy walk to work from the station through Midtown. (Heh, yes, I’ve researched it, but have yet to try it.)

          • cbackson

            I MARTA’d t0 Midtown from the Decatur/Oakhurst area when I first moved back here and it wasn’t awesome. It was great not to drive, but it was an hour (and could have been longer if I hadn’t gotten lucky when I changed trains at Five Points). Would you have to change? If you live on the north/south line it might be okay.

      • OP

        I’m in Texas, but I imagine this question would be applicable anywhere in the South or West Coast or certain Midwestern Cities.

      • LH

        California. Everywhere that’s not NYC it’s possible, but its a necessity in California.

        • preg anon

          It’s a necessity in Houston too. And Dallas. And Austin, to the extent there are (satellite) big-law offices there.

      • anon

        I drive to work in Boston. My kids are in daycare/elementary school and I want to get home quickly if I need to. I pay for parking pre-tax with a discount from my firm.

    • anon

      I don’t think having a “lawyer car” matters unless you have your own firm/practice. In that situation, the impression of “being successful” could matter and I’d understand it. You’re in biglaw, so the only entity that needs to give the impression of doing well is the firm, not you. Drive what you can afford & if you have other loans, I wouldn’t take on more debt for a car. This is how people get handcuffed to jobs they dislike and end up feeling like they don’t have options.

    • Meg Murry

      Not in the “Big Law” part of the country, but every time I met with our mortgage broker and then saw his new Jag in the parking lot I mentally thought “man, I am paying you way too much money!” I agree with the others that clean and roomy seems reasonable to me.

      Also LOL to Prii – my husband and I say that too!

    • Katie

      Honestly, some of the classiest people I know drive older (often foreign make) well-maintained cars and keep them for a long time. I think as long as your vehicle is clean and in good running condition you’ll make as good of an impression as you will with a flashier car. That said, know your office (and your community). In some places a flashy car might buy you credibility, but in others it might look ostentatious. And I second the Prius/ other hybrid or electric car as a classy new car option.

    • OP

      Interesting thoughts – I appreciate the quick feedback. To clarify, I can certainly afford something like a 3 Series, and in our family, we keep cars for at least 10 years, so I do kind of like the thought of getting something nice that I will still want to drive when I make partner. If I get something lower line, I would probably end up selling it in a few years.

      I would love to get a hybrid, but I hate the CVT transmission that they all come with – just really can’t stand driving them. I am considering a diesel, which the 3 series has.

      • Anon

        My brother just bought a VW Passat, diesel and manual transmission. It is super nice.

      • MiddleCoast

        Diesel fuel is horribly expensive – you might want to take that into consideration. Also makes it harder to start the vehicle if you are in a cold weather state.

      • Katie

        I bought a certified used 3 series and LOVE it. It’s now 10 years old and while repairs aren’t cheap, it’s a great ride and substantially cheaper than any new car in its class, and still cheaper/ the same cost as a lot of entry-level new cars.

      • Ekaterin Nile

        I bought a Lexus IS 250 AWD three years ago, not to impress anyone, but because I have a long commute and wanted a comfortable, reliable car. I love it and will keep it for 10 years. I’d highly recommend it.

    • Midlaw

      This thread is making me really happy that my mid-law firm has many partners that pride themselves on driving 10-year old, well-maintained, non-luxury vehicles (although, sure, there are a few Jags, BMWs, and other fancy cars in the mix, but those attorneys sometimes get teased about it, especially if they are younger). Our most well-paid partner–who could afford any car he wanted–drives a 5-year old Japanese (non-luxury) sedan, although it is fully loaded with options. So I’ve never worried about driving a “lawyer car,” thank goodness.

      • anon

        I think you should buy the car that fits you and your lifestyle. In my group all of the partners have kids and many have some variation of the gigantic family car with or without car seats. (Or a Tesla, but that’s what you get for being in SV.)

      • Mint green ballet flats

        Lolz. In my midlaw firm the partners pride themselves on driving the most banged up, dusty old car. It’s a running joke. I kind of love it – cars are just something I don’t care for and I don’t want to spend big bucks on them, and I sure don’t feel any pressure to buy some status symbol to park at this firm’s parking lot. (Reliability is pretty important though.)

      • Anonymous

        +1. I got teased when I started working at my midlaw firm for driving a 16 year old Mercedes – not because it was 16 years old, but because it was a Mercedes. The jokes didn’t stop until I dropped one or two well-placed comments about how lucky I was to have scored such a nice car for $3500 (which is only a few hundred dollars below the Kelley Bluebook price). Most the cars in the parking lot are at least ten years newer than mine, but they’re Toyotas, Hondas, and Ford F-150s.

    • Anon

      Our family (one BigLaw partner, one govt lawyer) is getting a used minivan in the near future, post-arrival of kiddo no. 3 (once you’re at three carseats, you need a second row of seating). And we are *totally* *pumped* about this future minivan! I’ll caveat this by saying that because we’re in NYC the car is only for weekend outings, not daily commuting, but still: the space! Built-in DVD players!

      So while I strongly second the upthread comments that any not-falling-apart, decently clean car works fine, I will add that my parents have had excellent luck purchasing Saabs, Audis, and now a Benz that are <20k miles and about two years old.

    • abogada

      Get a 5- to 10-year-old low-mileage used BMW, Lexus or Volvo (or something similar) 4-door sedan. You won’t spend anywhere near your $40k budget, and you’ll have a nice enough comfortable car that won’t be an embarrassment when driving clients or colleagues.

      I myself like old BMWs, and I keep returning to them off and on over the years. My “newest” was a 1997 that I bought in 2009.

    • SeaAttyAnon

      I have never replied here, but thought I’d give a shoutout for the Volkswagen CC. I have a navy one, with black leather interior and it feels lawyery but not too showy. It’s a unique car, too, but not “weird” if that makes sense.

    • Angela

      Have you looked at the Honda accord? My DH is an executive in finance, he drives clients, attends conferences with other exec (who are very judgy) and his car, slightly loaded, leather seats always holds up, fits adults in back seat just fine, good mileage, easy to park, extremely dependable too

      When my car drops dead, I’m also getting one

  7. Calico

    I love the look of J Crew’s linen tees but mine always end up with a whole at the waist from my jeans almost immediately. Hmmm….maybe it’s my jeans that are the problem.

    • Anon

      This has been happening to all of my JCrew tees – is the waist button the culprit?

      • Calico

        I think so. I have one pair of jeans where the tab with the button hole sticks straight out no matter what I do. I think it’s ruining all of my thin shirts.

    • Monday

      This also happens with wool sweaters I have from J. Crew! I was already going to post a fuming rant about how nobody should buy this or anything like it, but this information speaks for itself. J. Crew knits, especially, are horrible. I swear H&M is a better value even if you ignore the price difference.

    • Anonymous

      I realized my jacket was the problem- every time I zip it up, it catches on my shirts in the same spot, but only J Crews are flimsy enough that it makes a hole

    • microscience

      It may be your posture while standing at a counter height surface, like in the kitchen or other work surface. If you are standing close to the counter you may end up leaning on it with your hips and putting the most pressure and friction at this exact spot on your shirt. I work in a research lab with a counter height work surface, and all my shirts have this problem.

      • Sadie

        Another potential culprit is the hard plastic round tab on the seatbelt in the car. (If you drive, that is. ) I discovered mine hit in the exact spot that was always getting mysterious holes in my shirts. Pried that plastic bit off the seatbelt, haven’t had the problem since.

  8. Anon for this

    Ok, so I am extremely sensitive to sounds, and it makes me super anxious and irritated when I hear repeated sounds. Chewing loudly, slurping, printer going non-stop, you name it: any repeated noise makes me so irritated and anxious. I know this is my problem, and I really am working on it. I think there’s an actual disorder(?), but I have never been formally diagnosed. I work in a very close space with a horrible offender with the eating noises, and I’m less than 3 feet from the printer that everyone in my office uses. It’s getting me to the point where I’m so frustrated and irritated at work; I don’t even want to speak to anyone, which isn’t going to do me any favors in the long run. Political reasons here at work rule out asking to move.

    Any tips from ladies like me? I need help…

      • zora

        Yes this, it is an actual thing. it is totallyunderstandable that these things are frustrating you!

        And yes, noise canceling ear plugs. You can actually get ones now that look like ear buds but are actually noise canceling. They are kind of pricey but in your situation I think completely worth it.

        Alternative idea: white noise. Can you set up a small fan or air filter/purifier near you? I find that having that white noise does help balance out the more disruptive noises and make them less noticeable to me.

        This sounds horribly frustrating though! good luck!

      • Anon

        Oh my goodness, I have been struggling with this my whole life and had no idea it was a real disorder–I always was just told I had sensitive ears or that I was overreacting. I even asked a psychiatrist about it and was told it was just stress!

    • Carine

      I am the same way, especially with eating noises, and honestly, what you’re describing sounds like absolute hell. I am not sure I could continue to work there! Another vote for the noise canceling headphones or earplugs–I also use the website Simply Noise, a really good and free white noise generator, when I need to tune out and don’t want to hear music. It has different tones to choose from, so you may be able to find one that isn’t irritating to you. Good luck.

    • OP

      Thank you all for your suggestions. I do have noise cancelling headphones and I definitely use them when I can. I’ll try the white noise idea; I never thought about a fan and I will check out that website!

      • zora

        Just don’t get a fan or air filter that says it’s “Super quiet’ … you want the normally loud ones! ;o)

    • Mint green ballet flats

      I understand. Recently I’ve become like this with verbal tics, such as “ummm” and “you know”. I even had to quit listening to an otherwise very interesting podcast interview with a brilliant woman, because the interviewer kept saying “ummm” as a filler, and it was so grating I could not focus on the content. I almost felt a physical reaction (akin to the feeling you get in your spine when someone drags their nails on a chalkboard) every time I heard it.

      (Note – I’m not saying I’m not guilty of the verbal tics myself. I wish I could hear them in my own speech and get the same reaction, then perhaps I’d be able to change the habit of using them. In particular “like”.)

      • Mint green ballet flats

        Wow. I just looked up misophonia and that describes it to a tee. Also, it suggests that it’s connected with synesthesia, which I’ve known I have for a long time. Interesting stuff.

        • Ashley

          You and me both. The synesthesia can be kind of fun sometimes. Sometimes it is extremely distracting. It used to be disorienting and a little scary (thinking you are crazy), but I have learned to live with it.

      • OP

        I completely understand this. If I get focused on a specific word or something that someone says, it’s JUST like nails on a chalkboard. I also get like this with people touching me, but I don’t know if that is connected. I haven’t done a lot of research on any of this but I think I should. It’s getting worse as I get older and I’ve noticed that it affects my relationships.

        • Mint green ballet flats

          Wow, yes, it can at times be connected to touch for me as well (other people touching me). Not always though, thankfully.

        • MBAwannabe

          I’m 100% the same way about people touching me. Even if it’s just on the shoulder. There’s one guy in my office who always touches my arm to get my attention/say hello/whatever, and it makes me want to scream. He’s an otherwise ok person, I just cannot stand being touched.

          I don’t know if this is in the same category, but there’s a woman on a popular radio station here and something about her voice grates my nerves like nothing else. I have no idea what it is, but I cannot stand to listen to her for more than 3 seconds. It’s not a gimmicky thing like Fran from The Nanny or Karen from W&G, and I don’t particularly disagree with her opinions. I just don’t want to hear her voice, even for a minute between songs.

          • Ashley

            Dang – this is me as well!

            Some days (usually mornings) the commute on the train is hell and I have moved to get away from being touched. Some days I can’t move and the anxiety makes me want to scream and fight back in a way that is completely inappropriate to the jostling of a crowded commuter car. I don’t notice it being so stressful in the evening, just the morning.

            And I can also relate to the one word. Both “umm” and “like” seem to grate on me the most. My former hairstylist would say, “you know?” after way, way too many sentences and that would make my want to rail on him. I didn’t know this had been identified and others suffered it too!

          • Ashley

            The young woman on the History Detectives. Her voice makes me want to stuff her in a wood chipper.

  9. Undereye concealer

    Looking for recommendations for an undereye concealer that covers serious dark circles but doesn’t crease. I probably tried ten different kinds at Sephora this week and none of them fit the bill. I cant remember all of the ones I tried, but Touche Éclat didn’t have enough coverage; Bobbi Brown creased immediately; Benefit also creased on contact; MakeUp Forever didn’t blend in.

    • Monday

      I’m not sure anything actually does work for undereye–I’ve never found a winner myself, Touche Eclat included. At this point my approach is not to conceal, but instead to treat with skincare. Very heavy-duty moisturizers, as well as products with retinol, can help as far as I know. I also notice that drinking coffee (just one cup per day) and running regularly pretty much took care of my problem.

      Other posters have also said you can just use eye makeup to distract from the area, rather than trying to cover it.

    • Marilla

      My trick is to use the Beauty Blender (the egg-shaped pink sponge) to apply concealer — I use the Makeup Forever HD one and find that it blends in amazingly well when I use the beauty blender (but I do use more when I use the sponge). It should theoretically work with the $2 version of the sponge too. My only criticism of the concealer is I find it’s a pretty small amount and the pen-shaped container makes it hard to get out the last bit. I have pretty blue undereye circles most days.

    • WestCoast Lawyer

      While not perfect, I’ve had good luck with the Givency Mister Light Corrective Pen (similar to Touche Eclat but more pigmented) and Boi-ing by Benefit. If you try Boi-ing, note that a little goes a long way, so just dab a bit on your finger and then tap gently around your eyes.

    • Brit

      I use Bare Minerals powder and use the small concealer brush for under my eyes and it works great. I know you were looking for a concealer, but I switched over to Bare Minerals about 3 years ago and have loved it ever since. Even works to cover up my really red cheeks.

      • just Karen

        +1 I have touche eclat, but reserve it for when my circles aren’t bad. Bare Minerals powder with their concealer brush provides the most coverage with the least creasing for me.

    • ITDS

      I use the Bare Essentuals (sp?) powder compact in “light” over my foundation, and its yellow tone perfectly counteracts the purple/blue undereye shadow. I put it on with the little firm concealer brush from BE and it does not seem to crease.

    • Shana

      I’m a big fan of the Nars radiant creamy. Light touch applying, light powder to set it, after that it does not crease. And it lightens up my crazy full time + job/exec mba program circles to a non living dead tone.

    • E

      I like Garnier Skin Renew Anti-Dark Circle Eye Roller and Clinique’s airbrush concealer in fair but they don’t necessarily work with everyone’s skin tone. I haven’t had any creasing issues.

    • Anonymous

      Benefit Bo-Ing is my magic makeup. It’s really sticky and at least, for me, does not crease. If that doesn’t work, their other product is Erase Paste. It’s too creamy for me, but might work for you? If you didn’t try both, maybe go back and see if one or the other works.

      • Anonymous

        I only tried the one in the tube, not the one in the jar, so I’ll try the other one. Thanks for the suggestions– sounds like its time for another trip to Sephora. Keep the suggestions coming!

    • abogada

      I put on moisturizer straight out of the shower (I use Eucerin for sensitive skin right by my eyes and nose), give it a while to soak in, then apply make up on top. That makes a much bigger difference than which make-up product I use (though right now, I’m liking Rimmel foundation, used just as concealer under my eyes; Sonia Kashuk tinted moisturized is good too).

      Also, iron supplements and lots of water and sufficient sleep has really helped my dark circles lighten up.

      • abogada

        Almost forgot – using blush on my cheeks also helps me look more awake and healthy, counteracting some of the “you look exhausted” reactions my dark circles used to elicit when I skipped the makeup.

      • OP

        Interesting. I drink lots of water but am borderline anemic so the iron might help me. But between billing 2300 hours a year and trying to spend time with my toddler, sleep is the first thing to go, unfortunately.

    • Anon

      I have found that layering is key. I use a moisturizer with tint, let that dry, then put the benefit erase paste on top. I love Erase Paste, but it does (at least now, when I’ve had it for a while) get a little paste-y at times, which is why I use the moisturizer underneath. I use Neutrogena’s 3 in 1 Concealer for eyes, but that’s just because it’s convenient for me to get.

      • Sadie

        Honestly, best bet to cover under eye circles is to use a color correcting concealer, either on it’s own or under your skin-tone one. Most under eye circles are purple to blue in tone, yellow cancels purple and orange cancels blue, so a yellowish corrector with an orange (as opposed to greenish) undertone should do the trick. When I say yellow, I do not mean skin-tone with yellow undertones. I mean YELLOW.

        The other thing I’d try is stage makeup. Ben Nye is really good. NOT on your whole face, just for the under eyes!

  10. Lady Tetra

    I’m thinking about graduating from Neutrogena moisturizer to something… fancier, I guess. Does anyone have a favorite moisturizer that’s a step or two up from drugstore that is good for redness and combination skin? Thanks!

    • Carine

      I have some redness and combination skin, and I’ve been using Caudalie, their Premieres Vendanges Moisturizing Cream, for the last couple of months. The texture is really nice and it smells wonderful! I really like it, though I’m not sure I’ve noticed a difference in redness. My skin does look smoother and feels softer, I think.

    • First Year Anon

      To piggyback onto this- anyone know of face washes that successfully remove all makeup, but aren’t drying/make your skin “squeaky” clean? I find my skin is better when I dont wash all of the oil off. Willing to spend a bit of money to get something that doesnt leave my white towels dirty with makeup still on my face after 2 washes!

      • Monday

        Pond’s cold cream cleanser is very gentle and is a combination makeup remover. You can even go without moisturizing after unless you’re very dry.

      • Carine

        I just use Cetaphil and it seems to get everything off fine without stripping my skin, but I don’t wear much makeup to begin with. I really liked a sample of Philosophy’s Purity cleanser because it seemed very moisturizing.

        • Ginjury

          I felt like Philosophy’s Purity was too drying on my eczema prone skin. Cetaphil face/body wash is my go to when my skin is really sensitive and works pretty well at removing makeup. Sometimes it doesn’t quite get all the eye makeup so I then put some Cetaphil cream on a cotton ball and wipe it up that way. I also really like First Aid Beauty face cleanser, but my skin does sometimes feel a little tight after using it. It’s specifically for sensitive/eczema prone skin and removes everything except waterproof mascara.

      • Shay-La

        I use coconut oil, it’s the best eye makeup remover I’ve found (I don’t use waterproof mascara, though I imagine it would tackle that well too). I keep a jar in my shower, scoop out a bit, it emulsifies as you rub your fingers together (or, with the steam of the shower if you like scalding water, like me). If I’m not showering, I put a little on a cotton ball and apply directly to eye.

      • Wildkitten

        Do you use a Clarisonic? I find the Clarisonic gets me clean with whatever cleanser I use, so I can use something less aggressive (and less drying).

      • E

        Consider using an oil cleanser? I haven’t done that yet but I use CVS brand makeup removing wipes every day and then wash. Cetaphil did not remove all my makeup. Clarisonic helped but I don’t love it because it didn’t make my skin any better.

      • Olivia Pope

        I use Cetaphil and follow up with witch hazel on a cotton ball. My skin feels far less tight than it did when I used other cleansers.

      • First Year Anon

        Hmmm, I feel like I’ve tried most of these suggestions and I still don’t get it all off! Maybe I should try coconut oil- I think that is the one that I haven’t done yet. I don’t know, it might be just my eyes or something because I work really hard to get it off and after makeup remover and washing thoroughly, its still not gone. It’s one reason why I don’t wear eyeliner often!

        I just spent a good chunk of money on a cleanser that isn’t cutting it. I’m returning it tomorrow I think and will try to find something new.

        • Silver

          Second the coconut oil .. I find that it takes off everything and you need very little to get the job done.

    • Midlaw

      I’ve always loved Clarins (and my 65-year old mom who looks 40 swears by their stuff), but Clarins is a few steps up the ladder from drugstore brands. The multi-active nuit is seriously magic, I notice a difference overnight if my skin is having a particularly bad day. (I even sparingly use it on my hands sometimes when they are in rough shape, as it works wonders).

      • Carine

        This is quite an endorsement! I think I will pick it up on my next Sephora binge.

    • Baconpancakes

      I swear I don’t work for them, but as always, I like LUSH. I’d suggest Imperialis for red, combination skin.

      To First Year Anon, I’d suggest just grabbing a separate makeup remover. I used to use Neutrogena Fresh Foaming Cleanser because it took off my makeup completely, but once I switched to Herbalism at LUSH, and started using Neutrogena/CVS Oil Free Makeup Remover for the eye makeup, my skin improved dramatically (Herbs and clay, no soap ingredients.)

      • Anon

        I’d just like to add a counterpoint here. I had a very, very horrible experience with Lush.

        I used their Celestial (night) and Imperialis (morning) moisturizers in addition to Herbalism (night) and Angels on Bare Skin (morning) and my usually bombproof skin went NUTS. I am talking huge lumpy, painful, under-the skin bumps that inflamed entire parts of my face, pimples everywhere. I went to my dermatologist and he scolded me, saying for starter’s that all of the products contain super irritating essential oils, inappropriate exfoliators (jagged edges), and even phototoxic ingredients. If you put stock in Beautypedia, Paula Begoun also doesn’t have anything nice to say about the brand. If your skin is used to very bland/safe products like Cetaphil (mine was), I would be very weary of trying out a brand like Lush that is on the complete other end of the spectrum. Also please do keep in mind that their packing is totally unhygienic. Their moisturizers come in pots and their cleanser situation is even worse – they are shipped to stores as huge rolls that are put out on the floor uncovered, touched by customers, and then cut to order by SAs and stuffed into cheap plastic containers. There are huge contamination issues. My dermatologist was all around horrified.

        • Anon

          I’d just like to add that Lush isn’t nearly as “natural” or environmentally friendly as they make themselves out to be. IE. they do not follow fair trade practices for their products so instead use terms like “Fairly Traded Honey Shampoo” to mislead customers. They also use harsh detergents and other questionable ingredients for those into natural/organic beauty. There are much better brands out there. I would start with one like Pai. Expensive, but beautiful and effective products that are safe for all skin types.

        • Gauss

          I cannot stand the very strong smells of Lush products, and I got headaches the few times I tried to walk into their stores. Imagine bringing their stuff into my bathroom and having my entire house smell like that… I hadn’t even thought about the hygiene issues, and never understood the love for Lush.

          • Corduroy

            I think Lush is popular because it’s a “gateway” brand into the “green” beauty scene. Though, let’s be honest with ourselves, Lush is in no way as environmentally-sensitive as they claim to be. My friend used to work for Lush part time through university and told me that the black pots that they urge you to bring back to store for recycling just get thrown in the trash, unless one of the SAs is willing to bring them home. Rest assured also that all of these “naked” products by Lush do in fact involve a lot of packing – it just gets removed before they are put on display. For example, the bath bombs are each wrapped in plastic hard shells to ensure that they arrive safely to stores…and those plastic shells are also thrown straight in the trash. It’s all a sham, really. I could go on. And about their claims of being “natural” – while that word is a misnomer anyways, I’d like Lush to explain to me how synthetic dyes, fragrances, and detergents fit in with this marketing scheme (which it really is for them).

            It’s unfortunate because there are so many amazing eco beauty brands – like La Bella Figura, Osmia, One Love Organics, Pai, Kjaer Weis, RMS, Ilia – that certify all of their products as organic, use quality ingredients, LEED certify their manufacturing facilities, etc. Their offerings actually work too. But they are only sold online or in very niche stores, so they don’t have the same visibility as Lush. I’m sure bad experiences with Lush scare a lot of people away from trying such brands under the assumption that environmentally-sensitive beauty is always smelly, overpriced, and ineffective.

          • anon

            Which bomb do you use for that? Do the colour and glitter stain/stick to the tub?

    • anon

      Big fan of Elta MD. The sunscreen and moistureizer are separate products, but I usually just use the sunscreen in the morning and the moistureizer at night and it’s working fabulously. The sunscreen in particular deals with extra redness and I’ve found it actually does make a difference.

  11. Anon

    I’m going to a Broadway show tomorrow – matinee. After, I’d like to do an early dinner before catching my train. Any suggestions for a good, affordable meal somewhere between the theater district and Penn Station? Thanks in advance!

    • Ellen

      Yay! Open thread’s! I love Open thread’s! And Friday, b/c I am on my way soon to go eat Frittatta’s at home with Myrna.

      But as for the OP, who wan’ts a good place to eat between the THEATER District and Penn Station, I think your best bet is Ruth Chriss’s Steak House. It is a littel MACHO, with dark wood everywhere, but they have GREAT food and Potatoe’s that dad absolutely forbid’s me to eat b/c it goes directley to my tuchus he say’s. But I do NOT mind eating alot of potatoe’s b/c they are so good with sour cream on them and the steak’s are VERY juicy b/c there is alot of MARBELING (meaning fatty, but good).

      You DO have to tell them NOT to grill the steak’s with BUTTER ON THEM b/c that only makes it MORE Calories then what you need, but if you forget, it is so good (but not for your tuchus). If you are goieng to the theater, just look up where they are — I think somewhere around 49th street. You could also go to Capital Grille, which is similar, but there are some waiter’s there that love to stare at my boobie’s, so make sure to wear a TURTELNECK so they won’t see anything.

      I met a judge today at Macy’s, where I was lookeing at their big sale’s this weekend. The judge recognized me from Center Street, but I do NOT think I ever had a case in front of him. He is freind’s with my Judge, but he does NOT handel WC cases on Special Term. He asked if I was married, but he could see I had NO ring. I said no, so he said I should drop by his chamber’s the next time I was in court and we could talk. I realy did NOT know what to say so I just said that mabye I would tho I have to do 600 more hours, and my time with him would NOT be billeable unless I could find some NEXXUS to a case I was working on. He said that our talk could be viewed as general education, and I said that the manageing partner let’s me allocate those hour’s to my cleint’s.

      He is a little old for me (mabye 55), but he said he work’s out at the NYSC downtown. He said he saw me with my lit bag, and remembered me to be very “strikeing”. I hope I do NOT stand out that much in a crowd, but this guy sure knew alot about me.

      I will have to tell Myrna about this judge, b/c he could have some possibilitie’s for Myrna, if not for me. She is younger, but she is very worldly and could talk to this guy about alot of thing’s I can NOT. FOOEY b/c I need a smart guy, but I think this guy onley makes about $150,000 / year, and that is NOT enough to support me and my children. I also do NOT think I would like him haveing sex with me b/c he is also bald and need’s to use some kind of Mouthwash. FOOEY!

      • Karin

        Ellen, you are attracting the wrong men. You need to go to a party with people your own age or you will always have judges, professors and other geriatrics looking to spread their seed after you for your youth and fecundity. These narcissistic men will surely impregnate you if it’s the last thing they do, but won’t be around 20 years down the road for their high school graduations. If you really want a child right now, go to a party in Williamsburg or Dumbo where plenty of men are available for stairwell sex and the kind of anonymity you want to keep losers out of your child’s upbringing. But stay away from geezers who will likely have to shoot many blanks before hitting pay dirt with you.

        • Gerri

          Karin, why would you mislead our Ellen this way? She doesn’t need some penniless musician to father her child; rather she herself has dismissed men with steady jobs and 6 figure salaries as insufficient to support her in her desired lifestyle. I agree she should not date/mate with social security beneficiaries, but there are plenty of guys in their 40s and 50s that would make her a trophy wife–I can’t tell you how many dudes in my office perked up when they heard that Gwinneth Paltrow was back on the market, even though she has some baggage and is high maintenance. These dudes apparently don’t realize or care that she would never look at them, let alone date them. To them, they had her doing every kind of sexual acrobatic with them! Talk about delusional! Guys think through their private parts, and to them, Gwinneth’s was finally back and available for their pleasures!

    • editrix

      I’d head to Ninth Ave. and decide what appeals. There are dozens of little, reasonable restaurants in the 40’s and 50’s. Closer to Penn, Tir Na Nog (right across the street) is OK, or the bar room at Keens.

    • Brit

      Hey Pittsburgh!! I’d so be down for a Pittsburgh meet-up! I’ve been jealous of everyone meeting up other places, but kind of afraid to pull the trigger here and organize it myself.

    • Moon Moon

      I’m so jealous! I interviewed for a job in Pittsburgh recently and haven’t heard back yet. I AM DYING TO GET BACK TO THE CITY. I’ve been practicing in Philly for 5 years since law school. My family and my extremely wonderful long-term significant other are back in the old ‘burgh. Ugh I want to be in Pittsburgh so badly and have been trying for over a year . . .

      • Carine

        I have a friend who is from and went to undergrad in PGH and she has had a really difficult time finding a legal position. She’s been in other fields since law school two years ago, and every single attorney she networks with goes on and on about how impossible it is to get a job there right now. I hope it works out for you soon! Pittsburgh is a great city.

    • Anon99

      I would also be in. I read here a lot and comment once every few days or so.

  13. Amelia Bedelia

    I’m in Switzerland and France for the next week. I remember from years ago that French pharmacies had the best lotions and skin products. Is this true of Switzerland? Any recommendations? Also, any recommendations for where to eat/go/shop in Zurich this weekend?
    Thanks!

    • rachelellen

      Totally random but you must check out the train station in Zurich. The best art ever.

    • Katie

      IME (used to live in France near the Swiss border), Swiss pharmacies have a lot of the same products, but at a higher cost (as is everything in Switzerland…).

      • Snoozy

        There’s good shopping in the centre of town, and the Globus department store’s a nice place to start. A good option for ‘swiss’ things is the shop just opposite the station, near the large supermarket. (Name escape s me, but it makes sense when you’re there.) There’s also a mix of cool and shabby small shops just on the other side of the river and one street up.

        Oh, and head to Lucerne for a day if you can. Gorgeous. All but touristy shops closed on Sundays though. However, there are lots of decent if pricey places to eat around the lake. Just head straight out of the station and cross the road.

        Have fun. Non alpine Switzerland is underrated, I think.

  14. hoola hoopa

    hardwood installation

    If you have had hardwood installed into your home, could you please share (a) cost, (b) wood (ie, maple, oak, bamboo), and (c) square-footage?

    I’m house shopping and want hardwood flooring before moving in. I’ll get a real estimate from a contractor after offer, but I’d like to have a rough estimate to keep in mind as I look at homes.

    • Anon

      I don’t know how much ours cost but my only complaint so far has been water based clear coat. Make sure you get oil!! They told us it would hold up just as well as oil and it hasn’t at all!

      We got oak and stained it in natural so it’s a really light oak.

    • anon

      Two rooms, 120 and 150 square feet, total cost either $3k or $5k. I think 5, but I’m not positive. I ripped up the carpet myself. This was in Chicago, about 8 years ago.

    • Anon

      Visit the lumber liquidators or home depot or someone’s website – they’ll have a calculator for price per square foot + installation.

    • PHX

      Tigerwood, about 1000 sq ft, $8K. Installed in 2010.

      I love my hardwood, but omg the scratches.

    • Lola

      $10K for ~ 800 sq. ft. of bamboo (about four years ago). This was for a fairly difficult to find brand because of the color I wanted. If you wanted something more traditional you could probably do the job for half as much by buying from some place like lumber liquidators.

  15. rachelellen

    Does anyone have experience negotiating when buying a used car? Long-time Manhattanite here, now in DC, buying for the first time. I feel reasonably confident in my research and am going armed with Kelley Blue Book and Carfax reports. Is it similar to buying real estate – you offer a certain amount less than the asking price and expect them to counter and we wind up somewhere in middle? Also, if I whip out my documentation does that make you look prepared… or silly?

    • Wildkitten

      Be prepared to walk away, and do it if the situation calls for it. There are lots of cars in the world.

      • rachelellen

        Thanks, yeah. And I’m not falling in love with anything the way I did when apartment-buying. ; )

      • Bonnie

        +1 When we bought our latest car, I walked out during the negotiations. The dealer called me within a couple hours knocking $1,000 off the price. Also beware of phrasing with prices. We wanted to stay within a certain monthly payment and they tried to do that by increasing the life of the loan.

      • Anonymous

        Especially if you are paying cash, you can always tell them that $X is your maximum, and you can write them the check for that amount including whatever extras (warranty, fees, etc.) or you can go home and try again at another place. I knocked at least $1000 off my new (used) car by framing it that way.

        Having the KBB data is always smart. I’m not sure I’d pull it out right there, but knowing what YOUR max price is will keep you from overpaying.

    • Carine

      You probably will wind up somewhere in the middle. If you’re financing, though, be careful with naming a target monthly payment. There are a lot of creative ways for them to finesse the financing and not really give you a better deal on the bottom line.

      I will say that I bought certified pre-owned last year and they did not budge too much from the list price. At the time (and this may have changed, I’m not sure), used car inventory was at historic lows and there weren’t many other cars that met my requirements, so it didn’t seem like I had a lot of bargaining power.

    • OP

      My fiance sold cars for a stint. His perspective from that experience is that Kelley blue book is actually pretty inaccurate. He said people would constantly wave their KBB quotes in the sales people’s face and their response was usually “good luck finding a dealer that will give you that.” He worked at three different dealers and none of them conducted transactions anywhere close to KBB quotes. It probably helps to generally be prepared so you aren’t taken advantage of but I would be reticent to actually wave documents in their face in negotiating as it would reveal that you have done research, but don’t actually “know what you are talking about.” When I bought my car it ended up going: them making an offer, us counteroffering, them counteroffering, us refusing, them lowering it slightly after almost an hour of waiting, us accepting. When my mom bought her car, they gave her a number, she countered, they accepted.

      • Katie

        Very true when you’re selling a used car to a dealer, but when selling to a private party you can expect to get closer to the KBB value. And buying from a private party can often mean more negotiating room than buying from a dealer (although obviously no warranty). I highly recommend bringing somebody who knows cars and what to look for in terms of mechanical problems.

    • Anon

      Are you financing? (Most people do.) Know what your rate should be if you are–i.e., might be worth checking with your bank or a credit union to see what rates they would offer you for a car loan of X amount (i.e., how much you plan on financing). Know approximately what your tier/interest rate range should be–the more you know, the less you can get rooked. And +1000 to walking away if things aren’t working for you.

      If you are financing, know that dealers will often add a few points onto the buy rate that the ultimate lender is offering for your loan–i.e., you have great credit, so your buy rate is 3.5%, but the dealer will add 2% on top (unbeknownst to you) and tells you the offer is 5.5%. And watch out for other add-ons (document fees).

      Of course, if you’re paying the whole thing right then, ignore all of this.

    • Brittany

      I don’t know if anyone else has experienced this with an used auto dealer, but the one my family uses the most (and by the most, I mean 14+ cars in my extended family from this place), they don’t negotiate, but they’re known for a fair deal and good cars.

      Not that it will help you much in terms of going to them since I’m not in DC, but some used dealers just don’t negotiate – what you see is what you get.

    • Anon

      I work at a dealership so I feel as though my information is accurate. You will get a better deal if you finance, but not if you pay up front (cash, certified cheque, debit, ect). Waving around papers is a bad idea, especially since most online price/quote things are totally inaccurate. Sales people are actually fair (despite their reputation). If you are unreasonable a lot of the salesmen at my dealership will straight up just be like I’m sorry that’s not going to happen and show you the door. You really don’t want to be that person.

      • rachelellen

        This is enormously helpful. Thanks, all. I’m paying cash and I assumed what anon said, that financing would be more attractive to the dealers. I’ll go in with my idea and not wave papers around. I’d *like* to wrap this up quickly but I certainly don’t need the car. that works in my favor.

  16. Emmabean

    Does anyone here belong to an American Inn of Court? I am considering an application, but curious if anyone has any thoughts?

    • Frou Frou

      Yes, I joined while I was still in law school and have continued my membership even though I pay for it out of pocket (small law, plaintiff’s side, I pay for everything). I enjoy it, but it’s not everyone’s cup of tea. The Inns in our area vary greatly on style and vibe, so “shop around” to find one that you might think will be a good fit. My Inn is the largest in our area. We are known as the party Inn and although we have monthly programming, it’s not always law-oriented. I have met many wonderful friends through my Inn and have also learned to be a better at networking. What I love most about it is being able to relax, in a professional environment, with attorneys of all ages and stages, as well as judges. My legal community is small and I really enjoy being a part of it beyond my job. Also, I don’t have co-workers, just me and the partner I work for, so it’s nice for me to have work relationships with other people.

    • Anonymous

      I belong to the local chapter within my specialization. I just joined this year, and I have mixed feelings about it. But, I am going to stick out another year at least.

  17. DTLA meetup

    OK work got a little cray, and I dropped the ball. Let’s make it happen, with plenty of notice! How about Wednesday 4/16 or Thursday 4/17? What time works best?

    • DTLA meetup

      Even more organized: e-mail dtlarette at gmail with your interest/availability!

    • Senior Attorney

      Either of those works for me! Any time from 5:00 on is fine!

      Yay! Can’t wait!!

      • DTLA meetup

        Nothing missed — we just identified that there were more than one of us here!

    • DTLA meetup

      Awaiting moderation, but D T L A r e t t e G-mail is set up — contact with your availability/suggestions for a location!

      • SoCalAtty

        Just saw this! I’m voting 4/17 only because I have Book of Mormon tickets for 4/16

    • DTLA meetup

      Thanks for the responses! Looks like it will be Thursday 4/17 at 5:30 PM at Seven Grand downtown. Apologies to Wot — hope that you can make it, even for a little bit!

  18. E

    Has anyone tried the Old Navy Pixie pant? I just ordered them and I’m actually really impressed but I’m wearing them around the house right now to see if they stretch out. The reviews are mixed some say they stretch out too much, others do so we’ll see.

    • Anon

      Let me know how they are? I looked them up online, they seem promising, but I can’t tell if the model has an unfortunately shaped rear end or if the pants are not butt flattering.

      • E

        Well so After nearly half a day of wearing them, they only lost some of their shape in the knees and it didn’t look bad in he black color. I have an unfortunately shaped (flat) rear so my input in that area might be useless. They are tight but flattering unless you size up. I want to compare them to the overrated jcrew Minnie pant but better. The Minnie looked terrible on me and if your pixies are on the tighter side I wouldn’t deem them work appropriate but they are weekend or social event appropriate

        • Lyra Silvertongue

          I tried on the red Pixie in store and thought they were pretty cute. Seemed TTS. As I was walking towards checkout, I noticed the navy print with anchors and bought those instead without first trying them on as I assumed they’d fit the same. When I went to put them on for casual Friday, I couldn’t even come close to doing them up- they seemed two sizes smaller than the red ones that fit me so well in my normal size. When I returned them, the SA said many people had had the same issue.

  19. Inquiring Ingrid

    The model shown for this tee on the ‘rette site and I share similar coloring. It’s great to be able to tell whether a garment will be flattering on my skin tone. Is there an app or something that allows you to track down or that yields a compilation of different modeling pics of a particular model posted on different retailers’ sites? There should be.

    • Ashley

      I have been hunting for this myself. I used to have a link to a site where you could upload a picture and it would break out the colors, their compliments, triads, tetrads, etc., but I lost the link! You could upload your face or just your eyes or hair and extrapolate some wardrobe ideas.

  20. Inquiring Ingrid

    Awaiting moderation. Sorry if this posts twice.

    The model shown for this tee on this site and I share similar coloring. It’s great to be able to tell whether a garment will be flattering on my skin tone. Is there an app or something that allows you to track down or that yields a compilation of different modeling pics of a particular model posted on different retailers’ sites? There should be.

    • E

      I just wish they’d post the model’s height 100% of the time so I could gauge whether or not something will fit my 5’11” frame. Especially dresses.

      • Lily-Student

        Some websites tell you what size the model is wearing, but they never tell you her measurements, so it doesn’t help.

        My favourite thing about the Boden website is it gives you the full measurements of every size. Swoon.

        • E

          Right a lot of websites are gravitating toward disclosing the height and size the model is wearing which is amazing but then I get frustrated when they don’t! A top could be a crop top on me for all I know

        • Anon

          The ASOS website always says the model is wearing a US4/UK8, and even though I am apparently the same size as the model things never look the same on me.

          • Lily-Student

            The Asos website is terrible for that. I saw a skirt which was nearly knee length on the model, but it was apparently 16 inches long and she was 5 foot 9. I’m 5 foot 9 and a 16 inch skirt is not decent on me at all. So one of the measurements was a fib.

          • tesyaa

            Neither… they make special garments just for the models. So the one she was wearing might have been 20-21 inches.

          • E

            Ugh this happens all the time too. I’d love to know how 6’2″ Karlie Kloss is wearing full length pants all over the VS website when the same pants are floods on my 5’11” frame. Thanks VS.

  21. LH

    Any Parenthood fans watch last night’s episode? I was so disappointed in Julia (who is obviously the character I most relate to). Joel has been a huge jerk but I felt like this was so out of character for her.

    TV has been such a huge bummer for me lately between the last few episodes of Parenthood and The Good Wife, and the series finale of HIMYM(Aunt Robin). At least this week’s Mindy Project return was good!

    • Anonattorney

      I’m tired of the Joel/Julia storyline, although I admit it keeps me watching the show every week (waiting for them to get back together). I feel like Joel is just completely out of line. So, I guess I wasn’t as disappointed in Julia because I’m so frustrated with him.

      The Good Wife. What’s going to happen now?

      • Wildkitten

        +1 I feel like Joel is just completely out of line. So, I guess I wasn’t as disappointed in Julia because I’m so frustrated with him.

        Good Wife prediction – Alicia leaves Peter. Freed from the guilt of cheating with Will, and the obvious choice of going back to Will, she realizes her unhappiness with Peter had nothing to with Will and she leaves Peter.

        • Anonattorney

          That’s a great Good Wife prediction. It’s definitely time for a new love interest for Alicia. They also haven’t really done anything with Peter for a while (or the kids, for that matter), so they could very easily just transition Alicia out of that relationship.

          What’s Diane going to do? And, btw, one of my favorite parts of the episode was when David Lee broke down.

        • LH

          I think that’s what’s going to happen with Alicia and Peter too. The lawyer that was with Will in the courtroom that day that Alicia went to see in the hospital (I think his name is Finn or something?) is being made a series regular, so I wonder if he might be a new love interest.
          I will miss the Diane/Will scenes far more than the Alicia/Will scenes. Diane and Will had one of the greatest platonic relationships ever portrayed on TV & I will miss it so much. I suspect Diane will eventually join Alicia and Cary’s firm, because if they’re not in the same firm it will be hard to keep them interacting with each other in a meaningful way. The Alicia/Will dynamic could have kept the “two firms battling each other” angle interesting for longer than it otherwise would be.
          I, too, loved the David Lee scene although I always love David Lee’s scenes – I think he’s a fantastic character & the actor who plays him is so great.

          • Anonattorney

            Interesting news on Finn! I hadn’t seen that. Now I’m googling a bunch of stuff instead of doing all the work that I need to get done . . .

            I’ve liked Matthew Goode (Finn) ever since Chasing Liberty with Mandy Moore. Awful movie (in retrospect, but I think I liked it when I saw it because I was probably 20 or so), but he was/is a babe.

            Agree on all your other points. I love that show so much.

    • Heather

      Love Parenthood! I too was tired of the Joel/Julia storyline. I’ve been engrossed in their relationship and am anxious for what happens when Joel comes back, next week most likely. It will definitely be interesting to see what the next few episodes bring!

      • Anon

        I love parenthood too! Never got Joel do I’m actually hoping they split so we can see Julia date, she seems more realistic than Sarah.

  22. oil in houston

    just wanted to thank you all ladies, after reading so many answers suggesting it to other readers, I prepared a couple of dishes for a friend of mine who had premature babies, and she loved it! It was a nice way to be there, without being in the way, so thanks to all those that have suggested it!

  23. emeralds

    IDK if anyone is still reading this far down…but HELP. My skin has been freaking out the last week or so and I have no idea why. I’ve always had pretty good skin, even as a hormone-y teenager, and even then I’d tend to get one giant zit and nothing else. Now I have redness, irritation, and a ton of little whiteheads springing up all over my face. I do not know what to do.

    I have: washed my makeup brushes; washed my pillowcases; avoided touching my face without first washing my hands.
    I have not changed: my diet; my exercise routine; my skin care routine (I’ve actually dialed it back to see if that would help–eliminated a once-daily exfoliating scrub, went back to Cetaphil twice a day + witch hazel as toner, no difference); my makeup products.

    Am I missing something obvious? Should I start throwing out my makeup? Do I need to make my first-ever appointment with a dermatologist?

    • abogada

      Have you changed your sleep schedule? daily sunlight exposure? laundry detergent? fabric softener? dryer sheets?
      Are you pregnant?
      Are you under more stress than usual?

      • emeralds

        No, no, no, no, no, hell no, and yes. Maybe it’s the stress? I’ve never broken out from stress before but I guess there’s a first time for everything. Life should calm down after this week so if my skin doesn’t clear up I guess I’ll make an appointment with a derm?

        • zora

          Ok, this seems very different, but quick anecdata: When i was in a super crazy period (moving, new job, new city, etc etc) I started getting these weird white bumps on the sides of my fingers and down my hands, and it was a little dry and itchy. Could not figure out what was going on. Finally had a doctor tell me it was something called “Stress Eczema” that happens to people sometimes under stress. It did naturally go away on it’s own, I have never had skin problems like that ever before or ever since. But just to say sometimes that does happen that one random new reaction happens just because of stress. And does actually go away by itself. So. Weird. but it does exist ;o\

          So, yeah, I think your plan sounds good for now, if it doesn’t clear up by itself or if it gets worse, definitely go to the doctor. :o( Sorry!! Random physical problems when you are already dealing with stress in other ways is literally The Opposite Of Helpful! Internet hugs.

          • emeralds

            I will be crossing my fingers that it clears up! If I can get through Thursday I should have smooth sailing through graduation, woo hoo, but getting through Thursday seems almost impossible…

          • anon-oh-no

            i get these on my fingers every once and a while and have always wondered what they were. this is an interesting possibility

    • preg 3L

      I would give your skin a few weeks to clear up after the end of your stressful time, or just make a derm appt for a month out now. Also idk what part of the country you’re in, but your water may have changed recently — anything from new rainfall to new water pipes somewhere between you and your water source could impact your water enough to change your skin. Hope it clears up soon though!!

      • emeralds

        Thanks! I think waiting for a bit is probably the best option; I just hate this so much and I don’t have the skills to deal with it! I’m in VA so we have’t gotten historic levels of rain recently (snow, on the other hand…) I don’t have anything important to do this weekend so I think I’m also going to go makeup-free to see if that improves anything, since I’ve had my tube of BB cream a few months and IDK, I guess liquid makeup can get infected with stuff? though leaving the house with my zits uncovered for the world will probably just about slay me.

    • Anon

      You don’t mention using a moisturizer? If you dont use one start, and if the one you use has mineral oil you might want to switch to virgin coconut oil or something very simple.

      • emeralds

        I use whatever Cetaphil’s gentlest moisturizer is. I’ll check on the mineral oil thing, and I do have some coconut oil, so I might try that. I doubt it’s the moisturizer, though–I’ve been using Cetaphil as cleanser + moisturizer since high school with no issues. Although I guess it’s certainly not inconceivable that my skin’s needs could have changed since then.

    • Anonymous

      Emeralds, you may want to go to a doc… Hormonal imbalance could cause such issues as well. I happened to develop severe acne suddenly without any changes in my lifestyle. I then visited a dermatologist who prescribed some topical medication. It did help a bit but during my annual Pap tests, my gynecologist discovered that my hormonal levels were a little whacky and suggested I go on birth Contol pills for few months which resolved my acne. All of this happened when I was 27 yrs old which is such an odd age to develop acne.

  24. Ekaterin Nile

    OK, I am being solicited to buy Rodan & Fields dermatology products by a friend of a friend. Any feedback? Right now I’m using a Clarisonic and Cetaphil cleanser, which is working great acne-wise, but I’m definitely seeing aging around my eyes (just not sure how much I care about it).

  25. thistle

    Could I get a bit of advice please? I’ve been in my current job for several years and it suited me at first (for family reasons) and I used to really enjoy it. I was able to build up experience in areas I’d not worked in before. It ticked along like that for a few years and the team worked like a (reasonably) well oiled machine. To be honest we were able to coast for a while. However its all changed in the last eighteen months, the company implemented a new system which has made all our lives miserable. We are now not able to do our jobs properly, nothing works correctly and its sapped all our enthusiasm and energy. The bosses acknowledge the system doesn’t work but they just expect us to constantly come up with ‘work-arounds’.

    I am seriously thinking of moving on but I’m scared that I couldn’t cut it in a different company. Nothing works correctly these days and I’ve lost confidence in my abilities as a professional. Its been so long since I was able to produce any work that I was able to be truly proud of that I don’t know if I could survive in a ‘normal’ company anymore. [Just to clarify, the entire team feels like this, not just me].

    I don’t know how I could convince a new employer to take me on when I now question my own abilities. I have the qualification to get a new job, but I just don’t have the confidence in myself.

    Sorry for the ramble…

    [note: I’m in Finance so systems make or break your work]

    • NWanalyst

      I’m stuck in a situation that isn’t dissimilar. To be honest, you sound to me like you’re struggling with burnout. Those hopeless/depressive thoughts are totally similar to what I’ve been dealing with for the last few months. A couple months ago, I actually started working with a therapist because, among other things, I realized that my lack of confidence was keeping me from moving forward with a job search. If this is an option for you, I recommend it highly… just make sure you find a therapist who you feel extremely comfortable opening up with (I interviewed four therapists before selecting the one that I’m working with now).

      It’s important for you to get to a place where you can feel better about yourself, so that you can get out of there. If you have the energy to start making an exit plan now, I recommend doing so. But it’s crucial to not get to a point of exhaustion where you become emotionally overwhelmed with the situation. Those feelings can spiral to the point where it’s hard to resist the inertia of your circumstances at all. In my opinion, your emotional state is the number-one priority; finding something to be happy about on a daily basis is a really big deal right now.

      Above all, I think you need to focus on regaining your sense of pride in yourself. Updating your resume might seem intimidating (it certainly terrified me, as I felt that I hadn’t really gained much from my situation). But once you start making a list of your skills, you will probably start to realize that you have gained value from your current position. I recommend seeing if you can find some friends to help you list and describe your skills. Looking at job postings for positions that interest you is a good way to get a sense of the current industry jargon, and then you can start rephrasing your skills in those terms.

      I hope you are able to feel better about things and make some changes for yourself. Good luck!

    • anon

      I would make a plan to get out of there. Remember that your feelings are not always reflective of reality. It’s a fallacy to believe that because you feel like you are incompetent, you are incompetent. Feelings can be really powerful, but I think you should decide that you are not going to let yourself stagnate and dip into a sense of powerlessness just because of a lousy job. That’s why coming up with an action plan is so important. Even if you feel hopeless, you can still take predetermined steps to improve your situation. I love the points made above about updating your resume, looking at current job listings for an idea of what to highlight and terms to include, and talking to friends for help. I would make a folder of “dream jobs” that appeal to you and save those job descriptions. Create another document full of responsibilities/accomplishments/necessary skills that you pull from those dream job descriptions. See if any of your experience or qualities correlate to your own work history, or think of ways to build those skills at your current job or through consulting/contract work on your own time. Think of people you admire at work and think about what they would do in this situation, then do that. For example, would they reach out to their network or take a class or consult a career coach or apply for new jobs? Visualize what they would probably do, and then make specific goals to carry those steps out in your own life. Life is too short to be stuck in a sad, frustrating environment like that. Plus, you are probably a really capable, lovely person, and frankly, another company would be lucky to have you — and everyone in your life will benefit too if you are happier and feel empowered through your work. One bright spot in your life can help energize everything else, so I wouldn’t give up your work life.

    • Anonymous

      Nwanalyst and anon, you guys are awesome. I am in a similar situation as thistle and your advise made me a little less anxious

    • Thistle

      Thanks for the replies. I decided to make a start yesterday by looking for a new interview suit (everything I tried sucked but I got a nice new heavy knit skirt with leatherette trim waist – nicer than it sounds). Tonight the dreaded CV gets worked on :(

      I was so determined that I was going to make the new system work no matter what that I overlooked that it has sapped all my energy and enthusiasm (my family set me straight at Christmas but I have been really busy this year and have let things slide). But it feels like by posting the other day I made a public start.
      Thank you

  26. zora

    I have also now officially had the.worst.day.ever. Can someone tell me a joke or a funny story to cheer me up??

    • Silvercurls

      Hmm. How about some third-grade humor (from when my son was that age)?

      Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.
      Why did the turkey cross the road? Because the chicken had the day off.
      Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because chickens hadn’t been invented yet.

      Variations inspired by this site:
      Why didd the chikken cross the roh’d? To have lunche with ELLEN. Yay!
      Why did the chicken cross the road? To buy FLEECE TIGHTS at Wallgreens.
      Why did the other chikken clutch its pearls? Because you’re not supposed to wear FLEECE TIGHTS once spring has started.

      I hope these help! Also, today will be over in approx. 15 minutes which will give you a fresh start. (If you’re already asleep, you’re taking better care of yourself than I am of myself.)

      • zora

        HA!!!! I love it ALL. Especially the dinosaur one, what!?! Yes this helped a lot… you’re the best. and I definitely do not win ‘taking care of myself’ bc no I am not asleep, because wine. ;o)

      • Wildkitten

        I love the r3tt3 chicken jokes. You okay Z? Need to gchat? Sometimes when a day is that bad I take a sleeping pill so I can stop being mentally overwhelmed with today and tomorrow it’ll be tomorrow. Wine also helps.

        • zora

          oh yes, the wine part is Under Control. :o) I got that covered.

          Yeah, I’m just really meh. I don’t want to bury anyone in a 3 hour gchat rant about today, though, wouldn’t wish that on my worst frenemy. ;o) But thanks for the offer, Kitten! Yer awesome for asking. But if you wanna be penpals you should gmail me: zoradances … I’ll definitely medicate and try to sleep soon… for now it’s wine and bad tv shows to distract my brain.

        • NOLA

          Awww Wildkitten, that was so sweet! I abandoned her last night (having drinks on the porch with my SO and he wasn’t excited about me chatting with someone else). Her work situation sucks.

          zora – I just emailed you some ideas. Not sure if they’ll help. But seriously, if it can’t get better, you just need a new job And I know that’s easier said than done.

      • zora

        How bout: Why did Godzilla cross the road? Because she had eaten all the chickens! RAWR!!!

  27. NbyNW

    Paging Wildkitten – I think it was you who mentioned a book that you used to cope with ADD. What was the title?

    TIA

    • Joan Holloway

      I don’t remember who it was, but someone recommended “ADD-Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life” last week. I purchased it and am finding it really helpful.

  28. CHL

    Hive help needed! I’m 14 weeks pregnant and at that stage where I’m not obviously PG but my pants don’t fit and the top is getting kind of boobalicious. I’m going to a benefit tonight to which I would usually wear a black cocktail dress but the usual suspects don’t fit. I have this dress http://www.bodenusa.com/en-US/Clearance/Womens-Dresses/Cocktail/WH585/Womens-Modern-Print-Dress.html?NavGroupID=4, which is a more casual cut, but silky material and a suiting black sheath that fit and that I could probably dress up with some sparkles. It’s more of a cocktails/hors d’oeuvres thing for a Latino jobs and education organization than a sit down dinner/gala for the opera, if that matters. Advice?

    • June

      I’d wear the sheath with fun jewelry, but I think the boden dress would be fine, especially if you’ll be more comfortable in it. I was surprised the show the dress with tights and pumps rather than sandles, so maybe it’s more dressy than i’m imagining.

    • zora

      I think the Boden dress is great for a c0cktails benefit. Other people will probably be super jealous you are wearing pretty flowers. ;o) I feel like ppl get stuck in the ‘all black’ rut and someone wearing color and floral is so gorgeous!

  29. Anonymous

    Does anyone have issues with chronic low self-esteem? I’m not the most accomplished person in the world, but I can say I’m in a fairly good position in life. I’m 27, junior associate, fluent in Mandarin and English, with the privilege of having had a big scholarship for law school and no student loans. I worked in a big law firm in China, focusing on international trade, during law school. But I constantly undersell myself and, I dunno, I just generally feel embarrassed about my life. My boss thinks I’m ‘modest,’ but I just think it’s really crappy self-esteem. Advice?

    • Monday

      I’m very hard on myself, and it leads to all kinds of problems, but it’s been very helpful for me to start focusing on self-compassion instead of self-esteem. This very brief summary is a good place to start, but check out the links too.

      http://www.self-compassion.org/what-is-self-compassion/self-compassion-versus-self-esteem.html

      “Self-compassion also allows for greater self-clarity, because personal failings can be acknowledged with kindness and do not need to be hidden. Moreover, self-compassion isn’t dependent on external circumstances, it’s always available – especially when you fall flat on your face!”

    • Anon

      What makes you feel embarrassed about yourself? Did you expect to reach some milestone in your head (e.g. make $x per year, be “settled”, etc.)? Just because you have what seems like a good life to others doesn’t mean it’s making you happy.

      I think we sometimes end up on what seem like great, exciting, fascinating tracks in life, but in reality, it’s not what we want or expected. Sometimes, it is a matter of examining and changing your expectations while sometimes, it is a matter of changing your track. It can be hard to drone out all of the competing noise around us – you should look like a model! and the best wife/mom/sister/friend ever! and lean in! – but try to decide what is important to succeed at for YOU and find good coping mechanisms to deal with the rest.

      • Anonymous

        I think I’m generally okay with my work life. I have a lot of flexibility because I don’t have any loans, mortgage, car payments, children, spouse, significant other, etc. so I have the luxury of doing just about whatever I’d like so long as I can support myself. I think that’s a pretty generous outcome for someone of my age and station. I think, though, I just don’t feel like I deserve any of it? Like I’m an impostor? I feel like I should have worked a lot harder to have what I have today and I just feel really embarrassed that other people have it so hard when I have it so easy. So I feel like I’m perpetually underqualified or undeserving of what I have.

        I feel bad for my staff, especially, because most of them are older and some of them are struggling financially (for reasons other than what the firm pays them–most of it’s marital/child issues). And I just feel like it should be me who’s struggling and them who’re enjoying their lives?

        • Anon

          Do you think you’re fighting with a bit of economic survivor guilt? Things are getting tougher and tougher for people around you, yet for some reason you’ve avoided major economic trauma. You don’t really know why you ‘survived’ but you’re pretty sure it’s not because you were especially deserving of good fortune?

          You feel like in all fairness it should be your turn to struggle but the world isn’t delivering any struggle to you. So to hedge against a sudden onslaught of future trouble that, by rights, should be coming your way, your mind has decided to make your current life a bit less enjoyable by throwing up repeated thoughts about your own unworthiness?

          If that describes your feelings, then I share them. I don’t have any suggestions, really, except to try to accept that struggle gets distributed unevenly in this world for no real reason. Spending time in China kind of drives that point home for a lot of people; maybe that’s the case with you as well?

          I would say just try to see where you are in life as the product of your hard work, good luck, and the total randomness of the universe. Two out of those three are things you can’t change. Accept that and allow yourself to enjoy what you have now, in this moment. It may disappear in the future, it may stay this good forever. Hey, it may get even better. All of that is out of your hands, so let it work itself out however it will.

          tl;dr: Let go. Be happy.

  30. RWB

    I know it’s late in the weekend but hoping somebody sees this. Do all megacorporations that you’ve worked with routinely do layoffs? I’ve been at my company two years and lived through 2 large RIF’s already (10% of workforce). Other divisions I work closely with have gone through 3+ in that time period. My division is very profitable but management has a hard time setting and communicating realistic goals, Lower level employees pay the price when we don’t hit them. I’m personally doing well and have been told I have a bright future, but I have no faith that management will be able to fulfill any promises to me in the long term. Can anybody else confirm if this is commonplace in this economy?

  31. informational interview help!

    Not sure if anyone’s still reading, but I could really use some advice! I’ve been bored stiff in my position and interested in an internal transfer for a while. Through some help from a mentor, I have an “informational discussion” set up tomorrow with the head of another department within my organization to discuss a project my mentor thinks would be a good fit for me. This is all really preliminary and I would need approval from my own manager to do work on something outside of my department. So I’m a little stumped as to what to ask/discuss with this person during our meeting tomorrow. I am really interested in working on this project, but I don’t want to overstep since I would still need approval before anything formal is set up. I would really appreciate any suggestions/words of wisdom!!

  32. Calling northside Chicagoans

    Does anyone know where the new Nordstrom Rack on North Ave is? I saw a sign saying it was opening this weekend at North and Sheffield but drove down North Ave and didn’t notice it.

    • Wildkitten

      Looks to be at 1551 North Sheffield Avenue – behind the Jcrew/Banana “mall”, facing Whole Foods, near the strip clubs!

  33. Wilfredskiz

    I have been a real estate investor now for 2 years and securing hot income property is time consuming. Fortunatly buying investment property in Hurst Texas has paid off well. My investment firm enjoy the Euless area in general and with the hughe growth, it is a very sweet place to buy property, as well as the quite neighborhoods.

    What city is the most apealing location to invest in income property in DFW?

    hurst tx houses

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