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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 329 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread |

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Weekend Top: Bobeau Off the Shoulder Top Something on your mind? Chat about it here. There are plenty of hot mama off-the-shoulder tops out there right now (like this one, which I like enough that I nearly posted it for the Weekend Open Thread). Still, if you don't feel like Spanxing it up, this more relaxed look is still on-trend and date-appropriate — but a lot more comfortable if you're just running errands or going to a friend's dinner party. As always, hooray for hand-wash-cold instructions and for $48 trendy tops. Bobeau Off the Shoulder Top (L-2) Psst: note that Nordstrom is having a Designer Clearance event! Some great options include: nordstrom designer clearance

t-shirt / scoop back rib knit top / tie front rib knit top / wool sheath dress

 

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Comments

  1. What is going on with recruiting?

    So…there is a Thing That Is Happening.

    Three times in the last month, I’ve been approaching by corporate recruiters for positions I would be interested in. These are for positions that have been open for 6-8 weeks in my male-dominated profession (>20% female) and for which I am technically over-qualified. They want to schedule a phone screen on little notice: tomorrow or the next day.

    I do the phone screen, they promise to get back to me in the next 1-2 weeks. All good, right? Nope. Instead of an interview in 1-2 weeks, I get an email saying that the position has been filled. I know that one of these positions has been filled by a white man, with a fraction of my experience.

    My gut (probably wrongly) tells me that they probably have already decided on a candidate before approaching me. But they look through their applicant pool and see…wait, no/too few women have applied. So they do a LinkedIn search and find me. I do a phone screen and…voila!…they meet whatever woman-quota they had.

    What does the Hive think?

    • Anonymous

      Your guess sounds about right.
      Why do you agree to phone screens for positions below your qualifications? Can you at least find out what they pay before speaking with them?

      • What is going on with recruiting?

        These positions are posted with very broad descriptions. They’ll say “2-20 years of experience” and list qualifications that you need at least 5-7 years of experience to achieve.

        My first thought was that maybe they got a bunch of applicants, realized their job description wasn’t as accurate as it should have been, and started reaching out.

    • Anon2

      I agree with Anonymous. They could just be using you to fill some quota. The conventional wisdom is usually not to pass up the chance to talk to a recruiter. I’d say before you agree to the phone interview ask for some info about the job, i.e. duties, compensation range etc. It seems only fair. I would also hate to feel like I was being used in some sham recruitment exercise.

      • What is going on with recruiting?

        Thanks! Yes, in my field, it is always a good idea to talk to recruiters.

        It does feel very crummy. I hadn’t had this experience before but I found out this morning that they had filled the third of the three jobs and who exactly got the first of the three jobs.

        It’s a slap in the face. I’ve lost a lot of respect for these companies and the in-house counsel at those companies.

    • Faye

      Treat the initial contact as YOUR phone screen on them. What is the position, what does it pay, why specifically did they reach out to you? (What about my profile/resume made you contact me?) Ask how long the role has been posted, can they send you the job posting, and where they are in the hiring process. Who will your phone screen be with, and will they be equipped to talk specifics about the role and responsibilities? If they sound at all cagey, then push back on the phone screen by a week. (“Unfortunately this week has filled up fast for me, can we do next Thurs or Fri?”)

      You say you would be interested in these positions but that doesn’t mean you need to waste your time on a phone screen that isn’t leading to an interview, for a job that you haven’t sought out or vetted. You’re the one in a position of power if you’re the one being approached.

      • Idea

        This. Then, stay in touch with the recruiter, maybe, to see about other (realistic, non-racist?) options?

      • What is going on with recruiting?

        Thanks! They usually contact me via LinkedIn. I’ll write up your questions and send those before agreeing to a phone screen.

        • Anon

          If they contact you via LinkedIn, there is absolutely no reason that you cannot have a phone call with the recruiter before the pre-screen for ten minutes. Make them work for you. You are being entirely too giving with your time here. Take ten minutes to find out if the phone screen is even worth it…via phone. There’s no law that says a conversation that starts electronically has to stay that way. At all.

  2. The Other Candidates

    I applied for a research position at a Scandinavian university which was followed by a confirmation email from their online application system which is pretty standard. The odd thing for me is that the message also came with a list of all the other applicants for the position. The list has each candidate’s full name, age, current occupation, location and gender. I have never encountered this before. Is this normal? I know different institutions and countries have various rules on hiring procedures. But I also wonder if it’s a violation of privacy for an insitution to publish and send out a list like this to ALL the applicants. I mean aren’t there cases where people are job hunting but their current employer doesn’t know? In my case, it has been interesting to sort of see how I compare to everyone else but other than that I find this very bizarre.

    • Amberwitch

      It must have been a mistake. Here in Denmark, at least, this is not normal.
      In the old days (back in the eighties), as an applicant, you actually got the whole prioritized applicant list, including their academical assessment. Then the university laws changed.

      • The Other Candidates

        OP here: I think it was intentional. The message actually said: “There are XX applicants for the position (see the enclosed list)”.

        • anon

          I think that kind of summary is meant for internal purposes. She probably emailed everyone by mistake instread of emailing the hiring manager.

          • Snoozy

            Depends on the country – I’ve heard of similar cases for professorial jobs (esp. when the guest lectures are public) but it’s usually later in the process. Sometimes regional differences are very off-putting. For example, in my bit of Europe it’s not uncommon to list (senior) professorial jobs you were shortlisted for and didn’t get on a CV!

      • Anonymous

        Posted too quickly. I had that experience, too, when I applied for a job in Norway. I found it super weird, but later (after taking the job and moving to Norway) realized the benefits — it can be really helpful to know what exactly makes people more qualified for jobs you want, and what exactly the criteria were when decisions were made. It still feels kinda wrong, though, but it is perfectly legal in Norway.

    • Rock

      Its standard procedure för academic positions in both Norway and Sweden. Moreover those records, including any information the applicants sent in, are publically available should anyone ask for them. Universitites are public institutions and thus, any documentation is subject to thr norms of transparency the state is held up to. dDanenmark has different laws concerning transparency and hence danish universities have differing practices concerninf applications . However, the short list of whom has been called to interviews is not made public until after the hiring procedure is complete.
      I hope this helps.

  3. MollySolverson

    I am considering stepping away from my job to work or volunteer fulltime with a political campaign in the next couple of months. I am an attorney and do not have any recent political experience, but I am a hard worker, capable of managing people and projects, and passionate about this candidate.

    Does anyone work in politics or have experience in the trenches on a major campaign? Just curious to hear what kinds of tasks a person in my shoes (8+ years of work experience but no campaign experience) could expect and/or general thoughts about the life of a fulltime campaign volunteer/staffer.

    • Anonymous

      FIRST: what kind of law job lets you take breaks like this? And where can I apply? [Very serious here.]

      I think that you can expect to be an overqualified volunteer and find a couch to surf on. The lifestyle can make BigLaw look relaxed and unexploitive. And IIRC, there can be lots of regrettable booze-induced coupling and a massive difficulty getting laundry done.

      This goes doubly-so for lawyers volunteering for recounts. And those people had to be in suits for court-going.

      • Anonymous

        Unpaid sabbaticals aren’t that uncommon. My BigLaw firm let as least three people that I know of do it. Obviously you have to be valued, and I think it helps if your group/team is kind of slow, so it was a lot more common in the peak recession years, but it’s certainly not unheard of.

          • Anonymous

            The people I knew who did this were all only gone for 3-4 months at most and I’m pretty sure the firm kept paying their health insurance like they do for employees on FMLA or parental leave. I took 6 weeks off (unpaid) to study for the bar, and kept my health insurance. I would imagine if you’re taking 6 months or more off, it becomes a bigger issue.

    • Coach Laura

      No experience with campaigns but I’d do a search (via LinkedIn perhaps) for contacts of yours that are connected politically. I know that if I select one of my state’s senators, I find I’m directly linked via friends. This might help you get a position that would be a better fit and challenging for you – maybe even paid. And report back – sounds like it might be a fantastic experience!

    • Bonnie

      With no campaign experience, you’d probably be making calls from the phone bank or knocking on doors.

    • Best Coast

      I’ve worked on multi-million dollar statewide campaigns, and am here to tell you- campaigns are hell. Like, living breathing, haven’t eaten a home-cooked meal or seen anyone outside staff in months hell. However(!), some people love and thrive off of the stress and fast pace.
      In most cases, no matter what your official title is, everyone working on a campaign does a little bit of everything and nothing can be below you. Sometimes that’s working the phone bank or knocking on doors, sometimes it’s working a booth at a rural festival, sometimes it’s putting stickers on mailings while rounding up volunteers via phone calls, and often it’s all of those things in the same day.
      Before stepping away from work, I would recommend you have a few things in place. One, make 100% sure that you stand behind this person/issue fully. Your name and your face will forever be associated with them whether it’s in campaign pictures, online comments, or using the experience on your resume. Who/what you support will lead people to believe a lot about you (true or not), so know what that is and be confined to that you will still take pride in it in the fall, or in a couple of years. Two, do you have the resources to dedicate every waking hour to getting this person elected (or issue won)? Do you have the financial resources to carry you for months? Do you have someone to walk your dog or be emergency child care? Do you have a place to send laundry or someone you can call to clean your house? Also, do you covet nights and weekend? Because if you do, you do not want to work on a campaign. Nights and weekends are when people are home, so that is when doors are knocked on and phone calls are made. Weekends are full of parades and fairs and festivals with a booth for your candidate/issue. Also, be aware that even the best funded campaigns are still running on a shoestring. You will probably not have the resources that you have in your law office. Sure, you’ll have lots of pens and t-shirts around, but you’ll be eating crap food in a dimly-lit warehouse, sitting on a folding chair that was manufactured in the sixties, while making phone calls on a state-of-the-art phone system.
      If I haven’t totally scared you off of campaigns and you still want to do it, you totally should! I have great respect for anyone willing to get involved and work to make the world they want to live in.

      • Best Coast

        Sorry, posting from my phone, so lots of typos. Hopefully it mostly makes sense.

      • politico

        +1 to everything Best Coast said. The only thing I really have to add is that the world of politics is very small. It’s still a place where you have to pay your dues and build your network. Having friends or contacts who are working for your chosen candidate would certainly help you get into the fold, if you don’t have them enthusiasm and willingness to do anything will help you. It’s not glamorous work, but it can be an experience of a lifetime. If you’re working on a national campaign, you might get stuck in some city you don’t particularly like on an air mattress in a barely furnished apartment. If it’s a statewide campaign, you might be living out of your car and cheap motels. Be aware that you’re getting into a 24/7 job where you don’t get vacation, weekends off, breaks or anything resembling a normal schedule.

  4. ANP

    Here’s a kind-of-fun topic: help me figure out what to do with an extra room in our house! (I know, I know…champagne problems.) I live in a ~3600 sq. ft. house (LCOL area) with my husband and three young kids. There is a room on the first floor that the former owners used as a study, but that we — for the life of us — cannot figure out how to utilize. It is a smallish (10×10?), square shape with two windows, right off the entryway, able to be closed off with a door. It has wall-to-wall carpet in a neutral color.

    We tried using it as a study, but neither of us need a dedicated work-from-home space b/c we do most of our working-from-home in the kitchen or on our living room couch — and our kids are too little to want/need to be isolated doing their homework. We tried using it as a playroom, but we have a sizeable play space in the basement as well as a four-season sunroom off of our kitchen, where lots of playing takes place. We already have two living rooms (three if you count the couches in our basement play space). There are four bedrooms in our home, all upstairs, so each kiddo already has his/her own room.

    I’ve toyed with the idea of adding a daybed and making this into a guest space for our (infrequent) household visitors. We also have four TVs in the house already, otherwise I’d make this into a cozy little TV room. A friend suggested a sewing/craft space but we already have a place in the basement for the kids to paint, and I don’t craft all that often (no time!).

    Help me. What would you use this room for?

    • A

      Hobby room – art, exercise, sewing, etc.? AV room (deck out with a big tv & recliners?) Get a piano and make it a music room?
      We use a similar room as a quasi-office. In theory, we could use it for WFH but typically end up working in bedroom. However, we’ve got our family file cabinets/records maintained there, so it’s both a “working our jobs from home” office and a “office where we keep our home stuff.”

      • Spirograph

        This is my vote, too. Have had a couple conversations with friends and family recently about how “every house needs a piano.” Plus a comfy chair, bookshelf (for the music books) and a lamp.

        • Clara

          Does anyone actually play? If not, I think this always looks… sad… and then the room will never get used.

          So many grand pianos as decoration in houses….

          signed,

          musician living in an apartment that fears I will never have a piano.

          • Spirograph

            One of my criteria for my house was space for a grand piano. It takes up half the living room, but I regret nothing.

            Meanwhile, consider an electric one. Not the same at all, but it was way better than nothing in my apartment days.

          • Ms B

            This. When we went house hunting for our current home, the rule was that if I could not figure out where the baby grand went and how it would get there within the first five minutes of a viewing, we could not buy the house. Space for the piano came ahead of a lot of other priorities. With our layout, we have been able to put two seating nooks (arm or wing chairs perpendicular to each other) with small tables, a large ottoman, and a small storage console in the four corners with the piano in the middle. No regrets on that choice; I look forward to when The Kid starts practicing in there in a year or two.

          • Clara

            I have a very nice electric one. And I hate the very idea of it!!!

            Yes, I dream of the day I have a house (ideally overlooking the ocean) with a huge living area adjacent to my open kitchen. My baby grand in the center of it all. All my friends will come and we will play chamber music, and eat wonderful food and drink wine every weekend.

            Can you come?

    • Anonymous

      I would make it a combined guest room/reading room. Get sofabed and bookshelves. Some kids books on the lower shelves and adult books on the upper shelves – add cozy blanket and you have a nice spot for reading or quiet time that can flex to a guest room when needed.

    • Senior Attorney

      I’d say guest room. If you really don’t need it for anything else, it’s nice for guests to have their own space. But get a real bed, not a daybed, and make it nice and comfortable.

      • Anonymous

        I disagree. I have what sounds like an identical room and if it’s like what I have it has a wider than normal door frame that really calls for French (see-through) doors. Obviously guests would need solid doors for privacy and at least in my space, that would look kind of weird. Plus, I feel like it’s a little odd to put guests right off the entryway. I say turn this space into a playroom (with maybe a couch for adults to sit on) and turn the current basement playroom space into a guest bedroom that has significantly more privacy.
        (FWIW, my similar space is my home office. I don’t normally work on my day job from home but I like having a space that is mine alone and then I can make super girly.)

    • Faye

      Some options:
      – Music room
      – “Study” that is really just your family memories storage area – add bookshelves, hang your diplomas, store all your electronics and chargers and cords, keep your family photos in there, have a bunch of storage boxes for various kid-memories.
      – Library. I have dreamt my whole life of a bonus room that I could turn into a library. Line the walls with shelves, add a couple comfy chairs with small tables, and fill it wall-to-wall with books. Heaven.

      • Mpls

        +1 Library/music room. Line with book shelves. Cozy/oversized chair in front of windows for reading.

    • SuziStockbroker

      I’d still turn it into a “study”. Your kids will get bigger, and it will be nice for them to have a quieter space to do their homework that is on the main floor.

      My husband and I rarely work from home, but it is nice to have an actual desk. We also have 2 armchairs in there and it is a nice quite place to read. We put a zero clearance gas fireplace in, and then built in books cases around it.

      Everyone in the family does use it. I sometimes sit and read while the oldest is doing her homework (and needs occasional help), or if the littlest is playing a Dora the Explorer games on the computer etc. I did our taxes in there this year. My husband and I sit in there sometimes with the fire on in the winter and read. My middle guy plays his medieval take over the world computer game in there.

    • ITDS

      A Library! I envision book cases all around the walls, and a cozy chair or two for those times when you or your kids want to spend a few hours decompressing with a book.

    • anon8

      If I had extra space like that I would turn it into a room for foster kittens.

      But for your purposes, I like the idea of a study/reading room.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      How long have you lived there? If less than 2 years, I’d wait a little longer and see if something comes up naturally. Maybe your pantry isn’t big enough or you need a bigger coat/sports junk closet and you can turn it into storage. Maybe you realize you do need a guest room.

      I second everyone else though that a home office is great. Even if you rarely use it, it’s a place to dump all the family bills and the like.

      I also like the idea of a music room or library.

      • Cat

        How is this surprising? It’s pretty easy to get to 4 in an average home — one in the kitchen area, one main tv in the family room, one in the basement/rec room area, and that’s not even getting to the bedrooms if you’re a tv-in-bed person.

        • Spirograph

          I’m surprised… we only have 1 in the family room. People really have 4 TVs?!

        • Anonymous

          I’m surprised too. We have a similarly-sized five bedroom house (1 master, 1 guest, 2 home offices, 1 family/rec room) and only one TV (in the family room). I think two would be pretty normal for that size house, but four is pretty crazy to me. I don’t know anyone who has a TV in their kitchen area.

          • Ms B

            We have a TV wall mounted in the kitchen. It facilitates the production of large Sunday dinners because then the hubs can watch sports while he cooks.

      • Daisy

        We have a huge umber of TVs, tablet-like devices (not phones), and laptops. Not hard to accumulate in this day and age.

      • SA

        4 tvs here too

        One in the mancave one in the playroom/exercise room, one in the family room and one in the master

      • inhousejen

        We have 6 – downstairs den, master bedroom, 3 of the guest rooms, and the upstairs den. Only the downstairs den is hooked up to cable though – the rest are either smart tvs for amazon/netflix/on demand or hooked up to an apple tv.

    • Anonymous

      Use it to stash all the stuff you don’t want your kids touching: that treadmill you never use, your laundry while it’s drying, their birthday/holiday presents, the 100 cans of chunky soup you bought that won’t fit in your pantry, etc.

    • shadow

      If your kids plan on taking up an instrument, this would be the perfect space for a music room. Growing up, we had our piano in the guest living room (the nicer one, with couches we barely ever sat on) but the sound echoed throughout the house. I practiced violin in the bonus room (which is kind of like the basement you describe). If you want a place where your kids can focus on practicing, this room would be ideal. Plus it sounds like it’d be big enough for a grand piano or mini grand (which would not have fit in our living room). Otherwise, I second the others’ comments on making it a gym or library. The room you’re describing sounds like what we had as a den growing up – we had a couch, coffee table, TV, desk, and some bookshelves. It was a home office/study room/reading room. I used it to study sometimes.

    • lawsuited

      If you don’t want to make any changes to the space, then I think a guest room would be a good idea. You might have more house guests if people know you have a place for them to stay!

      If you are open to doing some renovating, I’d make it into a laundry room. A main floor laundry room with a big island for folding clothes, a farmhouse sink to soak clothes, and space to have a clothes line/rack, iron board and steamer permanently set up sounds like heaven to me.

    • Bwgrey

      Mudroom if off entry with or without laundry- coats, shoes, bags, mail sorting etc.
      library
      Gym/yoga room

  5. Pins and Needles

    Need some advice: I am late 40’s and have been having some weird nerve soreness (hard to describe, but just overall aching) in my arms and legs for about 3-4 months. I’ve been to my PCP, and he didn’t find anything in the bloodwork to indicate a problem. We both initially thought it was maybe a pinched nerve in my neck, but I had an cervical MRI that was totally normal. Now I’m having a weird buzzing feeling in arms and legs — not uncomfortable exactly, but sort of a constant pins and needles or electric feeling. He scheduled me for an appointment with a neurologist but it is a month away. Of course I’ve done the Internet doctoring and have contemplated all the bad things it can be, but I’m hopeful it is something innocuous – like a vitamin deficiency or something (I know it isn’t D because while my D is low, it’s been lower and I’m now taking supplements). Anyone have any ideas what this could be or experienced something like this yourself? Could perimenopause do this?

    • Anonymous

      I’d be inclined to try a different neurologist. Unfortunately speaking from family experience, sounds like ti could be MS.

      • MS pt

        That’s what I was thinking too — I have MS and this is how I would describe my initial symptoms.

        How I was diagnosed: MRI of the brain and cervical spine, with and without contrast. My neurologist (who specializes in MS! Not all do) was able to see the lesions clearly.

        I hope it’s not MS, but if it is, the National MS Society has great info for the recently diagnosed. Also, make sure your neurologist is knowledgeable about MS / has other MS patients. If there is an MS center in your area (like NYC has one at Weill Cornell and one at NYU), go there for a 2nd opinion, etc.

        • Pins and Needles

          My PCP didn’t mention any possibilities, but that’s certainly what my Internet research indicated as a possibility. But my cervical spine was fine – would it not show up there? Did you get diagnosed based on the tingling/buzzing symptoms alone or did you have additional symptoms?

          • MS pt

            I woke up one day and my entire right side was numb — like pins and needles / tingling / buzzing like you described. My PCP recommended an MRI because of my symptoms. PCP never told me the report, and I was then referred to a neurologist who wasn’t an MS expert, but could see the lesions on the scans (apparently, my brain lit up like 4th of July with the contrast). Got a second opinion from a neurologist at Weill Cornell’s MS Center, who’s now my neurologist and I trust her completely. Turns out that symptoms I’d had for years, like feeling a tingle down my spine when I bent my neck to my chest, joint pain in my hands (thought it was early arthritis), and being screened for mono every 6 months due to fatigue, could all be explained by the MS diagnosis.

            I don’t think I have lesions on my cervical spine, but I’m screened for them annually anyway. Hugs and hoping for the best for you!

          • Anonymous

            I’m a PCP and just wanted to let you know that MS might not be seen on a c-spine MRI. The lesions may be in the brain itself. Of course, I can’t weigh in on what you may or may not have, but would encourage you to continue your work up with your PCP and a neurologist.

    • Gail the Goldfish

      I’m assuming bloodwork included glucose, but if not, get that checked? Diabetes/pre-diabetes can cause peripheral neuropathy, sometimes before the diabetes is even diagnosed.

    • ORD

      Please don’t think I’m a nut, but I suggest you read up on magnesium & peripheral neuropathy. I had a scary pins & needles thing, but was hesitant to take the medication prescribed by the neurologist b/c of the side effects. I can’t remember where I heard about magnesium deficiencies, but anyway I started taking the kind sold as “natural calm” on Amazon and it went away. I still don’t know what the issue was. And I’m not a vitamin-taking kind of person — I was really surprised this helped me. I suggest you stick with the medical professionals b/c it could be something else.

      • Toffee

        I was thinking magnesium, too. I have the same symptoms and magnesium citrate was life changing (also helped with sleep, BMs, thyroid function as shown by tests, and no telling what else). No harm in trying it. I read one article that suggested nearly as many people need magnesium as vitamin d.

    • Annie

      Since you asked for anecdata that this might not be anything big — I sometimes get a tremor and similar sensations. I’ve had it checked out a few times, and consistently hear that it’s benign and is just something that happens. There are things I can do to control it, like limiting caffeine or taking a beta blocker as needed. It’s been about ten years since I started having those things, and it doesn’t worry me anymore.

    • Anonymous

      My grandmother had something like this. After an insane amount of testing, it turned out to be a reaction to her eyedrops. Worth running down the medications (OTC and rx) you are taking, etc., to see if any of them could be the culprit.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      I went through a spell of neurological symptoms where all symptoms pointed to MS. I had a whole host of tests including the ones where they zap you prick you with needles. I had expensive genetic blood work done. Everything came back fine. My docs were stumped. They took a watch and wait approach and it all went away. I’ve heard a variety of theories from them. It could have been complications from my other autoimmune disorders. They also said I could have had a virus in my muscles that went away. At my worst, I could barely walk up a flight of stairs. That was a couple years ago now and knock wood, it hasn’t come back. I hope yours is nothing serious too.

      • Coach Laura

        Building on Blonde Lawyer’s comments and ORD’s magnesium comments above, (and also hoping you don’t see me as a nut) but it could be a magnesium deficiency due to any one of several autoimmune disorders, but specifically celiac disease. Yes, it could be MS but I know several celiac sufferers who were also diagnosed with MS and later had the docs walk back that diagnosis after celiac was diagnosed and treated.

        At this point, don’t cut out gluten but ask to be tested for celiac (and potentially other AI conditions such as Graves Disease and Rheumatoid Arthritis) and take an over-the-counter Magnesium supplement with your doctor’s approval. If you google magnesium deficiencies, numbness and tingling is a symptom. RDA is 310mg a day for women, and I take a 250mg tablet every day. I also hope you find that this is nothing serious.

          • Blonde Lawyer

            Since Coach Laura brought up Celiac, I’ll give you some more info on my auto-immune life. I have Crohns and Hidradenitis Supperativa. Both conditions went into remission when I went gluten free and dairy free. My GI was shocked and wondered if I had false negatives on my celiac testing. My neuro symptoms matched right up with my HS flares but my HS docs had never heard of muscular complications with that disease.

    • Anonymous

      My mom has similar feelings in her extremities. She has complex regional pain disorder (CRPD). Have you had a surgery or injury recently?

    • Midwest doc

      Neurologist here.

      You will make yourself crazy reading the internet. But chances are very high this isn’t something serious. Your symptoms are non-specific, and non-localizing and do not sound like MS at all. Re MS poster above, her story is totally different. She suddenly woke up one day with symptoms that started all at once on one half of her body. Having aches in both arms and legs on both sides for months, and then tingling for months is not consistent with MS at all.

      So try to push that away.

      One month away is fine to see a neurologist. But if you are anxious, call on Monday and ask to be put on the cancellation list for something sooner. People cancel all the time and it usually isn’t hard to get in sooner. In general with neurology, having a normal examination and negative tests is often generally a good thing, and often things improve with time.

      Try to see if you can keep track of anything that makes your symptoms better or worse, how and when they started, and if anything has changed prior to this period (new meds, new stressors/changes in habits, dietary changes, weight loss etc…).

      It could easily be something very benign. They should have checked your thyroid tests, B12 (and B12 metabolities) and if you are vegetarian or vegan or have a restricted diet, you might need some other vitamins checked. Even bad anxiety or problems with sleep can cause complaints like these.

      It should be ok. Call Monday.

    • Anonymous

      Careful with the Internet as a doctor stuff – for some, it’ll stress you out more (perhaps needlessly) which could exacerbate symptoms.

      In addition to the neurologist, I’d ask for an ANA if not done with other bloodwork to see if you should go to a rheumatologist.

      But based on my experience, this stuff is frequently not a huge deal, just something absolutely worth getting 100% checked out in case you’re in that small group where it is. To that end, make sure your neuro and other specialists are really good. Also, that wait time is very common for decent specialists.

  6. Anonymous

    How awful is to give notice on Monday and have your last day be the Friday at the end of the following week? It’s basically two weeks even if it’s not 14 calendar days, right? I need my last day to be July 1 and I was planning to do it this afternoon but it seems like my boss left for the day without me noticing (he was around this morning). I feel like I have to tell him first.

    • A

      I think it’s probably fine, but try to talk to boss by Monday morning early. I did something similar (notice on Wednesday, last day exactly two weeks later).

    • Anon

      Totally acceptable! You’re giving 10 business days. Not a problem. But get it done before lunch on Monday.

  7. J

    Anyone in a 15 year plus relationship? I have questions…

    I’m married, 2 children (youngest in Kindergarten) and my H and I are in a rut. Our last few dates felt like we were going out and taking advantage of the kid free time because that’s what we *should* be doing. We sit there tiredly (but gamely) trying to talk but we can’t come up with anything to say. We’re pleasant–it’s not tense–but there isn’t much connecting. We both admit that we would love to go home and sleep, but that’s lame and we’ll kick ourselves for not going out, so we go out.

    As far as gardening, it happens at most twice per month. We cuddle, we touch, he gives amazing back and foot rubs. If we had tons of relaxed time together–like vacation–we’d probably garden a few times per week. But we don’t, and we’re tired, and it rarely happens. Neither one of us is upset about this, which feels wrong, but then again, it’s been 14 years so maybe it isn’t wrong?

    I’m mid 30’s, he’s mid 40’s. I have no idea if our marriage is good or horrible or what. We love each other and he’s my best friend. Why aren’t we connecting? Why can’t we even think of something to talk about?

    • Anonymous

      What about just going home to sleep? I mean, if that’s what you both want to do, refill your sleep debt and then see if the rest comes back.

      • Anon2

        I agree about the sleep. If you are tired, there’s no way around it. Beyond this, I’d say do more stuff together, find new activities etc. that can help bring some of the enthusiasm you are looking for.

    • Anonymous

      I’m married with 3 kids under 5. We’re in marriage counselling and honestly, I’d be happy if we could even get to where you are now.

      Only suggestion is to try doing something different on your dates. I’ve read that couples who try new activities/learn new things together are happier – maybe take turns coming up with activities you haven’t tried before? Even if you both end of hating the activity at least you can joke about how bad it was later on. Avoid dinner or dinner and a movie as date night for a few months and see if that helps.

      • Sarabeth

        Yes, this is a real research-based thing. Take dance lessons, go for a hike somewhere new, go to a rock climbing gym together, something like that. At minimum, it gives you something to talk about.

      • Trish

        Married 17 years with one kid in high school – both in our 50s. We like the early show at the comedy club. Just like the last comedian said, we are the folks who are in our PJs by ten, watching TV. You aren’t going to enjoy “going out” like you used to! We like to cuddle a lot but sex is on 1-3 times a month. It is okay.

    • Anonymous

      If it makes you feel better, I have no kids (we’ve been together 10 years) and we probably garden two or three times a month at most. If you’re both happy, don’t worry about what you “should” be doing. If one of you would like it more, that’s a separate issue.

      • Anonymous

        I’ve been with my guy 5 years, we have no kids, and we garden two times a month. Just to give you some more anec-data!

      • Anonymous

        Another childless person who does it approx. 2 times a month. I’ve always been a “quality over quantity” person.

    • Ellen

      Yay! Open thread’s! I LOVE Open thread’s and this OVER the SHOULDERS Top! Needless to say, we can NOT wear this any place where sleazie men would do stuff to get a peek at our boobie’s but assuming you are in a reputable place, it is a VERY nice buy @$48. Great Pick, Kate and Kat!

      As for the OP, there is NOTHING wrong after 14 years of marrage and 2 kid’s to have a spell where thing’s are NOT super HOT between you. Nontheless you do LOVE each other and you do have “gardening” regularley, tho NOT as much as you did when you first started dateing. WHY? Beacause you are busy and have other thing’s to worry about, such as kid’s, budget, health, etc. etc. It’s not as if you are 20-25, and hoppeing in and out of bed all weekend is all that you care about, coupeled with ensureing you take the necessary precaution’s to avoid getteing pregenant! FOOEY at that age, especialy with some schlub that onley want’s to have sex 4x per nite, like Sheketovits! DOUBEL FOOEY!

      I think you are fine with the occasional gardening, tho I would, at your age, shoot for 3x per week, includeing weekends. That is what I think I could live with at my age (35), and assumeing my HUSBAND was not a total schlub. In the meantime you can discuss this with him like adult’s, b/c you DO have other obligations.

      I think those in the HIVE that are similearly situated should weigh in on your PREDICAMENT, but it is NOT serius. Trust me. I would love to be your age w/2 kid’s. If I was, I would be out at the POOL as we speak! FOOEY b/c I have to go back and do more billeing! TRIPEL FOOEY!

    • Anonymous

      Yup, I’d do something different. Don’t just go out to dinner and/or movie, try to do something that gives you something to talk about. Go hiking, take a cooking class, go wine tasting, go to a sports game, do something physical where you actually don’t talk but are connecting anyways, go to a show and get some drinks afterwards. Sometimes when we spend so much time with people there’s just not much to say, but you can still DO stuff together.

      • Anon

        Groupons or Living Social or whatever you have in your area can be great for this because it can give you ideas plus you’ll have less financial skin in the game if it turns out that glass blowing or kayaking or whatever isn’t your idea of a good time.

    • Anonymous

      Together 27 years, married 22. A few years ago, I could have written your post. Date nights consisted of dinner at one of our usual places. Dinner conversation tended to revolve around the kids, family schedule, etc. The evening often ended with a stop at Target or Home Depot because it was so much easier to pick up what we needed without the kids. And home early because we were too tired for a long night out. Not as much gardening as we thought we should be doing.

      Things have gotten better the last year or two, so hang in there! Our kids are a bit older than yours and seem to be less physically exhausting now (we won’t talk about how mentally/emotionally exhausting they can be now!). We’ve gotten better about trying new places when we go out instead of going to the same old comfortable, easy places. We do still tend to go to dinner, though, because it’s just so nice to have a meal without kids! We’ve also done a better job of getting the occasional weekend away without kids, which I think helps in general because there’s enough time to relax and reconnect and that carries through even after the weekend. We’ve definitely focused on talking about things other than the kids – politics, work, an article we read recently, even family vacation planning. Gardening frequency has also improved. I think it’s a combination of focusing on the issue and also reaching a place where we’re not both so physically tired all of the time. And we still sometimes go home as soon as know the kids will be in bed and collapse on the couch to watch a show before falling asleep.

      At this point, if you’re both ok with it, I’d echo those who have already said not to worry about what you “should” be doing. Do what works for you right now. Maybe set a mental check-in date to reconsider whether you’re still ok with how things stand or want to take steps to spice things up.

    • anon8

      What about reading that book about love languages? And then try to do things that speak to that person’s language.

    • Anon

      We definitely get like this sometimes. We have three small children, busy full-time jobs, etc. What helps us is to actually make an effort at being more flirty and affectionate with each other. We send racy text messages (be careful with this of course), we hold hands more, he grabs my @ss while making dinner, we sneak into the laundry room to make out real quick, stuff like we did when we were 20 years younger and just started dating. When we do have date nights, we have sex first before we go out to dinner because if we try to do it after we are sometimes too tired (or too full, haha!) I have also noticed when one of us travels for work, when we get back there is often a period where we feel very re-connected because we missed each other a lot. I also make a big effort to have sex at the very least once a week and really try hard to have it more often. It is something that is important to my husband though and he never pressures me, but I try to do it even when I am not in the mood at first and try to initiate sometimes when I am not in the mood because I always end up enjoying it and it helps us feel more connected.

    • Anon for this

      If you want to combine some sleep and some gardening, instead of dinner, get a hotel room. Privacy and a different space can make things more interesting. You can have a little nap afterwards too. DH and I do this somewhat regularly — sometimes we go out to dinner too, sometimes not. You can disappear from a hotel and they will send you a bill via email…no need to let the front desk know you were only there for quickie!

    • Anon

      Married 17 years. We garden 1x/week, sometimes 1x every 10 days. So max 4x/month.
      But when we do, it’s incredible so I see it as quality over quantity.

      We do talk of everything though, when we go out. And we don’t often go out, as DH travels a lot and likes to unwind at home when he isn’t on the road.

      What about a glass of wine when kids are in bed? You could still have couple time but not the hassle of dressing up to go out. Or just be together even if you’re not talking ….we do hat a lot.

      • ArenKay

        Married 15 years. I’ll mostly echo what others are saying–it gets a lot easier once kids are older. But Anon’s advice above is my advice–small talk, just the two of you, daily, is crucial. My husband and I will have a glass of wine in the backyard while the girls were playing on the grass. I think getting into the habit of talking with your spouse about your days is important. I’m mindful of the fact that I don’t want us to have nothing to say to each other once the kids are out of the house.

  8. Introverted children / summer camp / school

    I have read many comments over the years where introverts say they can’t go out 5 days a week after work b/c they need to be home by themselves to recharge. How were you when you were a kid? Did you go to school all day and then after school care? Summer camp from 8-6?

    I have one kid who will be fine with that and one who I think would be much better off not doing that (or going to summer camp something like 8-4 with some down time rather than 8-6).

    What would you recommend with that temperment as a K or elementary school child?

    FWIW, my mother taught school, so I was never scheduled from 8-6 until high school (with activities / sports after school) and now that I work. I probably wouldn’t have loved it, but I probably would have been OK. My child I’m concerned about is a bit of a Niles Crane sort (or, rather, Lilith), so I just want to do right by her. I could pay a sitter to pick her and sibling up from school / camp early and take them home to ride bikes / go to the park / read or just play at home / go to the pool a few days a week.

    • Anonymous

      I’m an introvert and I definitely would not have been happy in all day school/after care or summer camp. My mom works but she is a teacher too, so after school/summer was pretty much unstructured until I was 16 or so except for maybe a one or two week camp. I’d say if you can afford it, it’s definitely worth paying a sitter so she can have some quiet time alone.

    • Anon

      I needed that down time as a child. Luckily, my mom was able to provide it for me but I remember seeing the kids going to after care and thinking that would be the worst. My brother on the other hand wanted to be signed up for it even though he didn’t need it. I now have an introverted child who has to go to aftercare, which I felt immensely guilty about so I talked to the providers and they structure it so kids can have downtime to read alone, color, or whatever so its not all group stuff all the time. He has been happy there, but definitely is not like my more extroverted child who cries to leave sometimes, haha!

    • Libby

      I am an introvert, and I was pretty happy with after school activities. My mom was a teacher and coached to sports, so my summer was pretty unstructured, but during the school year, I was at school or after-school activities from 7 am – 6 pm. Usually as long as I had some time to read for an hour sometime during the day or evening, I was pretty happy.

    • Anon

      I’m an introvert and went to several different aftercares all my childhood until sophomore year of high school but I made it work for me. If there were structured activities scheduled, I would politely ask the teacher if s/he would let me read by myself instead or work on other homework. This was only a problem once in second grade and I had to ask my father to get involved. My parents then transferred me to an art aftercare where there was a room full of art supplies but you could do whatever you wanted (i.e. paper mache or math homework or nothing). I really loved that place. I didn’t develop a ton of friendships with other kids because I didn’t participate in their activities, but I did make one great friend (also a loner). In the end, I think this was the right answer for me as it taught me additional social skills without the pressure to participate. If I had it completely my way, I’d never interact with anyone unless absolutely necessary and this isn’t so great for life skills.

    • Anonymous

      I went to school and then came home after and read, mostly. I would have loved to go do some activity like art (which is pretty solitary) or dance or music lessons. I don’t think after school stuff necessarily is focused on an extroverted kid. What does your kid want to do? Maybe that will help.

    • What is going on with recruiting?

      I’m an introvert and I loved resident/sleepaway camp. I was there all summer beginning at age 15 and all through college as staff. It was a lot of people a lot of the time.

      But there is still plenty of time and activities where I could work independently. I could take my hour break and sit in the woods. When I worked in the kitchen, there were prep shifts and dish-washing shifts where it was just me and the radio. I signed up for all-camp chores that were solo activities (and that the more extroverted staff avoided like the plague): mop the main lodge floor, inventory the unit houses, make a sign for visitors, manage intake/outtake paperwork, etc.

      As a kid, being introverted at camp was pretty great. I was forced out of my shell and into friendships. I developed the skills to recharge even when I wasn’t technically alone (e.g., read a book during me-time when everyone else was talking). I think it really helped me learn how to be an introvert without forming the bad habits introverts tend to develop.

    • Lobbyist

      My two kids are very different. The extrovert has a ton of activities and is basically scheduled all the time, and easily bored when she has “free time,” so she fills it up with friends and more activities. The more introverted kid does one main activity (which has practice 3x a week, MWF afternoons, but he likes to have Fridays with no activities because he’s tired from the week so he often skips Friday practice). When he was younger and didn’t articulate his need for down time, I over-scheduled him because I like to have stuff to do and I mistakenly thought he was the same. At a very young age though, 8 or 9, he began to ask for less — telling me what he wanted to do, what he didn’t want to do. At first it was that he didn’t want to do stuff on Fridays and then it was he wanted two days during the week (tue and thu now) where he didn’t have sports and could just have more time for homework/hanging out. He’s now a teen boy and spends a lot of time playing video games, but he’s sweet and kind and gets good grades and I’m okay with that. Now that he’s old enough to stay alone, often on the weekends I take my daughter to her sports stuff and he stays home by himself — everyone is happy. Occasionally I feel bad that he’s getting less parental attention than she is, so if he does have something he wants to do, I’ll take him, or he and I will go to an action movie he wants to see — we even started watching a TV show together on Netflix so we would have some joint activity (not that TV is an activity but that’s what he likes to do).

    • shadow

      I’m an interovert. When I was in elementary and junior high school, I had some after school activities, but not every day – it was usually piano lessons, math/abacus lessons, or English lessons. I also had Chinese school every Saturday. After school if I didn’t have lessons, I’d spend an hour watching TV and eating snacks, then finish homework, then do any tutoring homework, and then practice piano. In my last year of junior high, I was on the tennis team so I had that after school in the spring. It was fine for me to have some down time as well – to read, or watch TV, or go on the internet; I think I’d be too tired doing too many after school activities unless it was pretty chill. During the summer, my mom helped us make schedules to work on math and reading out of workbooks and do Chinese homework. During summers in junior high, my summer was usually pretty packed with classes – math, reading, writing, SAT. During elementary school summers, I also had Day Camp (8-3? 8-4?) which I liked. Day Camp was usually a tennis camp (2-3 hours), or I think one year I went to a church for Day Camp (bible lessons in the morning, then electives (I did sewing and tennis) in the afternoon). If I had Day Camp, the studying/tutoring would happen afterward. Even though some kids might not be amenable to lessons like math and reading during the summer, I found that it helped me keep the momentum going so that when school started, I wasn’t falling behind.

    • Blue Jay

      I sound like your introverted child. My mom was a SAHM and picked me up after school each day. Although I had a lot of friends at school, I didn’t have any desire to spend time with them at night or on weekends. I had a neighbor who was my best friend and we hung out on the weekends, but as for everyone else, I was socially done by the time school was over.

      I hated hated hated day camp and sleep away camp. I went to several different camps and never liked any. I made the mistake a few years ago about telling my mom how much I hated camp, and she started to cry because she felt so terrible that I’d hated it so much and she kept sending me every summer—I was raised in a house where complaining was heavily discouraged so I probably just put up with it at the time and she didn’t know that I hated it until I was an adult.

      I went to a school that had annual camping trips, which I loved. But I also was always the first child to leave the camp fire and go spend some quiet time alone in my tent every night. I just needed time away. Likewise, I liked to travel with and without my parents as a child, and I was fine with them taking trips without me. So the problem was not homesickness. It was camp.

      I would have much preferred having a sitter pick me up early and get to go home or go to the pool or just grocery shopping with the sitter.

    • Mariah

      I was a VERY introverted little kid. For awhile, my parents’ schedules meant we needed to go to YMCA after school care. I hated it. I would literally take a book and sit on the floor of the little kitchen area because I needed some alone time after school with my back to the door. Day camps during the summer stressed me the h*ll out. Summer camp happened exactly twice. The first time was for three days. The second, I called my mom on day 3 and BEGGED her to come get me and then spent the rest of the week homesick/crying/reading alone in my bunk/alone in the sick hall because I just wanted some damn alone time. I was in Girl Scouts for about two weeks until I realized the only thing I liked about it were the uniforms and planning how I would get the patches. I did not like the meetings.

      Activities I did like: things where I was more independent, even if I was surrounded by a group of people, and where I was able to interact with adults (I preferred hanging out with adults than to kids since I was about five). Safety Patrol in middle school. A school court in middle school. Swim lessons with a few other kids (fifteen screaming children? No. 2-3 other kids? Fine). Playing with 1-2 friends.

      In high school, I was in debate. I think the only reason I could deal with it is that it brought out the things that I love and there was a lot that was independent about it. I could sit in the debate classroom and check out, while being surrounded by people; tournaments were hard. I always ended up just exhausted after a 2-3 day tournament, and almost always took some alone time during it.

      This is all to say: I liked activities where other people were around but where I got to choose how much interaction I had with them. Forced participation made me physically anxious (still does). If you can do a half-day day camp with a babysitter in the afternoon, that’s probably better.

  9. Anonymous

    Shopping help request: I want to buy a sharp networking but fun outfit that will take me all day at a conference and out on the town in New Orleans in the evening. I am a middle-aged petite pear! I like Ann Taylor and Banana but no real idea of what look I want here. Any suggestions?

    • Marshmallow

      MM Lafleur’s new collection contains an absolutely gorgeous black dress that’s a conservative neckline in the front with a really interesting cutout back. It would be great for networking with a cute jacket, then take the jacket off and go out. I’ve also rented a few Theory dresses from RTR lately, and all of them would be good for what you describe. My current favorite is a sheath in a thick, stretchy fabric with small horizontal navy and white stripes. I just rented it for the second time so maybe that means I should buy it…

      • MJ

        I saw this dress this morning. Unfortunately, it’s navy blue and also linen, so in person, I think it might be a tiny bit too “sundressy.” But it would be great for the NOLA heat. I loved it, and I think I am going to get it. But I don’t expect it to actually be day-to-night due to the linen aspect, unfortunately. Definite potential for giant lap wrinkles. It’s stunning though!

  10. curious and new at networking

    Any suggestions on how to reach out to an old boss just to stay in touch and get drinks? I recently left old boss and old job (old job <6 months, but it was a bad situation and old boss knows it). She told an old co worker after I left that she'd like to stay in touch with me, but I've never really reached out to an old boss to stay in touch before so unsure how to do it without it being weird?

    Would a gchat along the lines of "Hi Old Boss! How are you? I heard so many changes going on at Old Company" and then as she responds ask her out for drinks, be OK? Same for an old male boss?

    • Anon

      Why are women so awkward about this? I wouldn’t g-chat. Email him/her at their work address. Say “Hi Joe — hope you’re doing well. Hard to believe I’ve been at New Job for x months already. I wanted to know if there might be a good time to grab lunch or drinks to catch up? My schedule is relatively good this summer, so it would be great if we could connect when you have time.”

    • CountC

      I would say, “Hi Old Boss, X coworker let me know that you are interested in staying in touch with me. I would like that as well! If you’re up for drinks or lunch sometime, let me know. Former Employee”

      Tailor to your tone/voice.

      • Anon

        Um — NO. DO NOT SAY — Mikey and I were talking about you and he said you liked me. You’re a grown woman. You can stay in touch with someone bc you want to — regardless of what that person told a 3rd person.

      • Cc

        Oh my goodness no! Don’t say this it would be the weirdest email. Just ask if he is free and see if he wants to do drinks one night if he is a drinks person. If not you can make it coffee during the day

    • MJ

      I tend to do lunch or coffee as the initial invite. Drinks can come off the wrong way, even if it’s completely harmless. It can turn into drinks as you go back and forth with schedules, but I personally would not suggest it unless you know he’s the kind of guy who likes to grab drinks. Double standard? Perhaps. But you have to roll in the real world, and…there we are.

  11. Sigh

    If any of y’all are the praying type, or even would send good vibes out into the universe, please do that tomorrow morning. Some friends and I are going to have an intervention for one of our friends whose drinking and drug use has spiraled out of control. I think we are as well prepared as we can be, have read the “Love First” book, have selected a wonderful facility, have a lawyer lined up to do paperwork and a professional interventionist to help us, etc. I’m still a nervous wreck. Just gotta get through the rest of today and tomorrow morning. I can already tell I’m not going to sleep tonight.

    Have any of y’all done this before?

    • Wildkitten

      Happy to pray for you. Know it’s going to go poorly no matter how it turns out.

    • cbackson

      Haven’t done this before but will be praying that your friend will be open to your words and will understand – even if not immediately – that only those who deeply love him/her would go this far.

    • Anon

      I’ll be thinking of you. One suggestion from experience: Remember that you aren’t trying to be popular. Prepare yourself for the friend to hate you tomorrow. And maybe for a while afterwards. But s/he will be alive to hate you, and that’s what counts. (To be clear, s/he may not. But the first time I wasn’t prepared for that, and for other interventions I have been and it’s made it much easier.)

      • Sigh

        Yes, exactly! I keep thinking “she might not speak to me again, but she definitely 100% will not speak to me if she’s dead, so at least she’ll be alive and not speaking to me.”

      • Anon

        +1. My family should have done this with my sister, and we didn’t, and she almost died. It took my parents flying cross country to visit her in the ICUnin the hosptial to realize the extent of the issue. She hated us all for the next 6 months or so and was in complete denial. But we slogged through and we are 4 years out and she’s sober and doing fantastic. And no longer hates us.

    • Anon2

      You are such a great friend, this is hard but just know that. Very few people would do this for another person. Will be praying for you and your friend.

    • BeenThatGuy

      Expect lots of anger, denial and resentment. Addicts rarely are quick to accept they need help when confronted like this. But stay strong and resolved about fighting for their life. Be sure to follow through with consequences if they don’t get help.

      Good luck and lots of prayers to you and all involved.

    • Lobbyist

      I recommend Al Anon for you — its for friends and relatives of addicts and alcoholics.

    • Calico

      Yes, I’ve done it. Wishing you all the best tomorrow. In my case, the person accepted our help and I accompanied her home to pack and on to the facility. She did the work and has amazingly been sober for 3 years. In our case she had hit rock bottom and had been hospitalized and nearly died. I had been asking her to get help for years, but this was our first formal intervention with a real plan. Just wanted to offer that it can work and it’s wonderful of you to do this for your friend.

    • AAnon

      Good luck. I’m an alcoholic in recovery with some solid sober time, though I didn’t get interventioned and the choice to get sober was my own. Your friend will probably resent you, and maybe for a significant length of time, but it does get better. Through the first six months to a year, your friend’s brain will be healing and emotions will be weird and hard. She will also have to change her definition of fun (mine used to be getting suuuuper drunk on white wine and getting into fights), so start thinking about sober activities you can do with her.

    • Sigh NO MORE!

      Thank you all. It was scary and difficult, but we did it, and it went well. She’s currently in an airplane on the way to a really wonderful treatment facility. THANK GOD THATS OVER.

      • Lobbyist

        I still recommend you go to Al Anon for you. Very helpful. I did not want to go at first, because I am not the one with the problem why do I have to go to meetings? And at first it took some getting used to, but it’s been very helpful.

        • Sigh NO MORE!

          I’ve actually been before for my dad. We didn’t do an intervention for him, he went to rehab on his own then then started drinking again after a while. That was a decade ago though, so maybe I should go again…

  12. shower decor help

    Baby shower help! I’m in charge of the decor for a 20-person outdoor baby shower next month. We’ll be in a patio space at someone’s condo building. They’re waiting to find out if it’s a boy or girl, so we’re doing a melon and teal color scheme. The mother-to-be is very chic, so I want this to be stylish, not cheesy.

    Any ideas on how to do this, make it personal, and stay on a reasonable budget? Party decor is not my strong suit.

    • Bonnie

      Decorate with things they can use later, e.g. white onesies clipped to a clothesline, and food. There are a couple websites where you can buy candy by color or just look around at the grocery store.

      • 2 Cents

        If you think the mom would appreciate it, I’ve seen diaper or onesie decorating stations so guests can write encouraging notes on the diapers (to be used at night) or make one-of-a-kind outfits — could even just be stamps and fabric markers.

        • Snoozy

          We did this with onesies at a shower in a country where they don’t normally have them (Co-host was American) and it was really a hit. I couldn’t face anything else, but it worked well.

      • Anonymous

        My sister purchased a set of wooden blocks and paint – guests painted the blocks for us, and my husband later put a non-toxic poly over the top (to prevent the paint from chipping, not because it was toxic). My daughter is now 14 months old and LOVES her blocks. (these also have the benefit of lasting much longer than a onesie which they outgrow so quickly).

        • Anon in NYC

          Such a cute idea! I’ll steal that for the next one of my friends who has a baby.

        • Senior Attorney

          They did this at the last baby shower I went to and it was great.

          They did it even easier, though. Just had all different colored Sharpies and we used those to make alphabet blocks — they had a paper with the letters of the alphabet and we crossed them off as we did them.

    • Maddie Ross

      My vote is go simple. Lots of white hydrangeas (relatively cheap but large) in glass vases (everyone has them around their house or can be purchased cheap at Michaels) with a tasteful melon and teal (or melon or teal) ribbon (also Michaels). With that color palette, I would definitely do white with accents – white table cloths (prob real cloth with that crowd), white cake, etc. Do you have time of day? Food to me is dependent on that (brunch versus afternoon nibbles). Avoid balloons. Avoid random baby stuff.

    • Delta Dawn

      Balloons have a big impact without costing much. I would line one side of the patio with clusters of melon and teal balloons. You can order these from most any party supply store, and tell them you want “floor height,” meaning the ribbons will be tied to a weight that sits on the floor and the balloons will be eye-level or higher. Usually three balloons per weight looks nice, and you can space them out as much or as little as you need to. Metallic ballons in fun shapes are a little more expensive but pretty trendy right now; your chic friend might like some that spell out “BABY” (and last name if it is short enough).

      You could do a melon and teal banner that says “Baby Lastname” and hang that across a gift table. There are a lot of people on etsy who do this. I use a vendor called Hazel and Birdie, and they make cloth ones that the mom can keep and use in the nursery after the shower. That may not work here, since they don’t have a baby name yet, and since the nursery may not be melon and teal– so a paper one might be better.

      Did you send paper invitations? You could take picture frames you already have and put some of your extra invitations in a frame. Gift table would be a good place to put one, or you could put one on each table, if you have a lot to decorate.

      Do you and the other hosts have clear vases you could bring? Baby’s breath is a cheaper alternative to flowers, and you could tie melon and teal ribbon around the vases and fill them with baby’s breath (or, you could buy glass vases fairly inexpensively).

      This may be more rustic than chic, but some mason jars come in a pale teal that would look great with a coral flower. A local grocery chain here sells a dozen tulips for $8. You could get some melon/coral tulips and put them in teal glass jars. I have found that party flowers are less expensive when you use just one type. Another affordable grocery store flower is alstromeria– sometimes these come in a melon color.

      Diaper cakes are cheesy, but they can be cute decor that also doubles as a gift (even if she thinks it’s cheesy, it’s a lot of diapers that she’ll get to take home). There are easy tutorials online for how to make these, and you can use melon and teal ribbon. With the right ribbon/accoutrements it might not be totally cheesy. Bonus, it can double as a decoration on one of the tables.

      You could do a gift basket of soaps, stuffed animals, etc. in teal and melon, use it as a decoration, and then give it to her afterwards. Johnson’s has a vapor bath that comes in a teal bottle and an apple scented baby wash that comes in a melon(ish) bottle. You could get those and put them in a basket with some swaddle blankets in coordinating colors. You could use it as a table centerpiece.

      I like to buy a few yards of pretty fabric in the right colors and use them as table runners or table cloths, etc. It’s cheaper than buying actual table runners and tablecloths. You can kind of bunch them around a vase or whatever other decor is on the table.

      This will be fun!

      • Delta Dawn

        Addendum: Maddie Ross is right that these may not be “balloon people,” but I do think the metallic ones might be acceptable for this crowd.

    • Pesh

      I’ve done this! I did gingham runners down the tables (pink since it was a girl, but a minty green would look pretty if you don’t know) – just got yards of gingham from the craft store and cut it to size with pinking shears. No need to sew since they’ll only be out for a short time. Then I got a pack of mason jars (I think they a dozen for like $6) and bought a bunch of 99-cent small bud vases from Walmart. I spread the jars and vases down the tables and filled them with daisies, but Hydrangea or even lots of Baby’s Breath would also look pretty and be inexpensive. I ordered the loose flowers through a florist, which is much cheaper than buying bouquets from the grocery store. It look adorable and chic and was really easy!

      • Pesh

        OR….various milk glass vases would look really pretty in place of the mason jars (and perhaps a little more sophisticated). You could hit up a few thrift stores and find it easily!

  13. Wedding April

    Deciding whether to get my wedding dress cleaned and preserved or just put in cloth dress bag and hang in closet. I’ll never wear again and don’t have/ not having children (I’m over 45), so have no one to give to.

    Suggestions needed. TIA

    • Anonymous

      Why not sell it, or consider donating it – then it would be worn again by someone who probably couldn’t have afforded it otherwise.

      • Anonymous

        A quick Google turns up lots of donation options. And this link has some other cool ideas:

        http://www.babble .com/relationships/5-meaningful-places-to-donate-your-wedding-dress/

        • I'm Just Me ...

          I donated mine to an organization that turns wedding gowns into baby gowns for stillborn children. The thought of a stillborn is completely devastating to me, and the women who make the gowns do such an amazing job, the gowns are so lovely. I felt my dress was doing some good.

      • Anonymous

        I wouldn’t assume you can’t give it to someone you love some day. Lots of my friends are childless or have only sons but have still preserved their wedding dresses. You could give it to a niece or daughter of a close friend. There’s no guarantee a hypothetical daughter would want to wear it anyway.
        Personally, I could never sell or donate a wedding dress even if I knew with 100% certainty no one would ever wear it. It’s just such a special and personal thing, I would want someone I really cared about to have it, not a stranger.

    • Anonymous

      You can donate it to thebridesproject (dot)com. The website has instructions on how to mail it. The dresses are sold to raise money for children’s cancer.

    • Anonymous

      I would consign it, unless you just want to hang out around the house wearing it on occasion because you love it.

      • Mpls

        well…if I had a closet like that maybe – but still feels very “It’s a Museum of Me!”

        • Anonymous

          I find it incredibly narcissistic too, especially if it’s displayed anywhere remotely public. In a closet is better because guests don’t normally see the inside of your closet.

  14. Wild chicken

    Yes, with my husband. It was terrible, but it all worked out. He’s been in recovery for a year and a half, and is doing great. I recommend you consider Al-Anon meetings — I hated them at first, but over time have realized how amazingly helpful it is to learn about the disease of addiction and be with others who have been affected by the problem. My thoughts and prayers will be with you tomorrow – bless you for doing this.

  15. oi

    I feel like lately I have just been really, really irritable and also having some pretty serious decision paralysis. Generally I’m just having a really hard time letting go of things, even if they are pretty minor.

    There’s a decent amount going on that’s contributing so I can see why I feel “short” on patience or zen-ness or whatever (small baby/tiredness, hatemyjob/job search, buy/fix house and move, traveling for mandatory family function). Any advice for coping in the day to day until the storm passes?

    • Anonymous

      Sounds like you’re just tired, get some sleep and stop traveling for family functions if you don’t have to (seriously — you really are allowed to tell your family that you are totally burnt out). You could try one of those mindful breathing apps to calm your temper.

    • ShoeRuiner

      It might seem impossible but keeping a gratitude journal has helped me day to day through rough stretches.

    • Cc

      Fired or laid off? Either way Sorry to hear that- hope it means that better and brighter things are ahead

    • MJ

      Oh no. Hugs. Where is Wine and ShotsShotsShots?

      Consider this an entree to something different and better. Please don’t spend all weekend ruminating. Start planning your next thing. Only take the wisdom there is out of this and nothing more. Only let them have as much of your emotional energy as they deserve. Take care of yourself.

      You will look back and remember that this is a horrid day, but it will be better later. Promise.

      Also, listen to “Hope” by Shaggy on repeat. It’s a perfect song for this and helps you NEVER GIVE UP!

    • Shots Shots Shots

      I’m bringing my friends, Ben and Jerry. I can’t imagine how you must feel right now. But remember, you’re a strong, tough woman. I’ve gotten a lot out of reading your posts. I know you can get through this.

    • Pretty Primadonna

      I’m truly sorry to hear this. Take care of yourself, wallow for a bit if you need to, then hit the ground running finding your next opportunity. (((Hugs)))

    • anon

      I lost my job a year ago. Big hugs to you! You are not alone in this. I’ve been there too. It hurts. But this isn’t the end of your story. Hang tight and keep fighting.

    • Never too many shoes

      That is terrible news and I am so sorry to hear it. Be gentle with yourself, WK.

    • Senior Attorney

      WHAT???

      I’m so sorry to hear that! You are so awesome and I hope and expect that greater things are coming your way!

      BIG HUGS!!!

    • emeralds

      So sorry! Stay strong and be kind to yourself. You will get through this.

      • Maizie

        +1 to everyone else’s reactions.
        You are better than this. You are bigger than this.You will transcend this temporary setback.
        Take care of yourself.

    • Wildkitten

      Fired. No good reason. Probably for being a feminist. On the couch with my puppy and rose’

      • Cc

        It was discrimination?? I’m extra sorry to hear that. Take the weekend to wallow but update us on details- maybe we can help you get a game plan

      • Shots. Shots. Shots.

        My sincerest condolences. I am sorry I was not here sooner but know that I am always there for you in spirit. Tonight may be a time for my demure cousin rosé. But please be open to the possibility that tomorrow night, or Monday afternoon, you may feel the need to yell to random strangers about this unfairness. And I am so there to help you do that.

      • OCAssociate

        That’s terrible, I’m so sorry. Puppy + wine is a good plan for the weekend. Please know that you have so many people here ready to support you and cheer you on.

      • Never too many shoes

        WK – where are you? I am sure someone here could recommend good counsel for you to discuss this with in case there is something to be done about it. If you are in Toronto, I absolutely have a name for you (although I realize that is unlikely).

    • Aurora

      Oh no! Sending positive thoughts your way. Hopefully you know this community is always here for you. Internet hugs.

    • anonymous

      Sorry to hear that WildKitten. We’re all here for you, and hopefully you end up finding something way better than your old job.

    • Wildkitten

      Do you guys have any recruiters or temp agencies you like in DC? I’m in Public Service Loan Forgiveness but I’m also low on my ability to prioritize my preferences.

      • Baconpancakes

        Ruthi Postow is fantastic for temp work, and they also do recruiting, but I don’t have any experience with that side.

      • Anonymous

        Were you government? If you were fired based on gender you absolutely have options

        • Anonymous

          And even if you were non profit not government you still should talk to a counsel- they could get it restructured as a layoff instead on firing and that could help you get unemployment too. It’s rare for an attorney to get fired for no reason- you want to take steps to protect yourself that can. Help you get your next job

  17. anon for this

    Hey, hive. I am mid-30s, dating but mostly single. I always thought I was indifferent to kids until a few years ago when I dated someone who I felt so strongly about that I wanted HIS kids. It didn’t work out, but at least I realized that it was something I could be open to. In the meantime, I’m busy spoiling my friends’ kids and enjoying my life as it is.

    I’m not asking about whether or not to have kids. I think I could live a fulfilling, happy life with or without them. It all depends on timing of finding a partner. What I want to know is, how do you deal with the people who, intentionally or not, make it seem like having kids is the ONLY way to live your life, loving kids is the BEST way to know life and self-sacrifice, and so on?

    I really struggle with this, and while most of my friends aren’t like this, a lot of people at work (and definitely in my social media feed) are. Like it or not, it’s thrust in your face a lot that you (single/unmarried/nonparent you) don’t REALLY know love until you have a kid. I hate feeling this way. It hurts and makes me feel like I’m not experiencing real life and real love or something. And it seems like it will only get worse as kids get older and these parents continue to talk this way.

    I love so many people deeply, and while I don’t know what it’s like to love my own kid, I do think I have a pretty good understanding of what it’s like to love selflessly.

    Anyway, I’d love to hear the hive’s thoughts.

    • Anonymous

      The short answer is that those people are jerks and you’re better off without them. And fwiw, it’s thrust in your face a lot as a married but childless person too. It’s absurd. I’m sure kids are great (I want them someday although, like you, I was ambivalent until I met my now-husband) but the idea that your life is complete or you don’t know what love is until you have them is crazy. And even if it were true, it’s a cruel thing to say to a single person who has no choice in the matter! Unfriend these terrible people on social media, ignore your co-workers as much as possible, and focus on those who treat you well.

    • anon8

      I’m child free by choice. I’m 39 now, but made this decision back in my 20s. I remember feeling like this back then when I was younger. Especially as my close friends and acquaintances started to have kids. I felt like maybe I was a lesser person for having kids. I think over time, I just grew out of that feeling.

      I think it’s incredibly rude if people are flat out saying that a person doesn’t know love without having children. I don’t have any specific advice other than to be confident in your choices. Or if you’re close enough to these people, can you flat out tell them how you feel?

      • anon for this

        People don’t actually say this to my face. It’s more like some acquaintance will post on social media, “Thank you, Bobby on your 2nd birthday for showing me what real love is!”

        It’s not directed at me, so I guess I shouldn’t make it about me… but sometime’s it’s just hard not to!

        • Anon in NYC

          On the flip side, I have a kid and I have sometimes felt like I didn’t love my kid enough because I wasn’t posting things like that on social media.

        • Suburban

          Fwiw-I can’t stand those posts! Two year old bobby isn’t on Facebook, so maybe put down the phone and focus on him on his birthday? It seems like the parent is just looking for attention. Also, I’m a brand new mom, so this might change, but my love for my baby often strikes me as very similar to the love I feel for my parents,partner and sibling. I love him with all my heart, but unconditional love isn’t new to me.

        • Brunette Elle Woods

          I really don’t understand any Facebook declarations of love whether it is towards a significant other, family member, etc. I just don’t understand why you need to post on Facebook instead of just telling the person or writing a nice card…..Oh yea, they’re looking to tell everyone else and show off how great their life is! Social media is all B.S. anyway. People only show the highlights or they’re looking for sympathy when things get rough.

    • Anon

      This seems like a very poor reason to have children: to discover something about yourself. It seems horribly selfish of whoever is perpetuating this. Let’s remember that every new human being is actively making this world a more crowded, dirtier, and less sustainable place to live, no matter how precious children are. So the reason to have kids better be something along the lines of “I hope to teach them so well that they will improve the humanity’s future”. I know this is grandiose, but the aspirations should stem from that line of thinking rather than “I hope to learn to love selflessly”. Anyway, this is from the mother of a 5-month old and that was my decision chain.

    • Sarabeth

      I have kids, and the way I think about it is that it’s true that having my own kids is a transformative experience. The love I feel for my kids is different from (not necessarily superior to, but definitely different from) any other kind of love. BUT, I’ve also given up a ton of other things to have this one experience. I’ve given up travel, and work opportunities, and the possibility of getting really serious about my meditation practice. And those things would also have been transformative experiences in other ways. Maybe if I’d become a Buddhist nun, like one of my childless friends, I’d feel a unique kind of love for everyone, not just my own two offspring! Certainly, I’d have different forms of intellectual fulfillment.

      In other words, life is full of transformative experiences. Having kids is one of those, and that’s what people who say that kind of thing are responding to. They are not wrong about that. But it’s only one of the many possibilities, and we are all choosing some of those experiences over others. And the fact that they post about it may stem in part from an effort to justify their own choices to themselves – as much as they love their kids, they probably feel (as I do) some longing for all of the experiences that they’ve given up in order to become parents.

      • Maizie

        “I’ve also given up a ton of other things to have this one experience….And those things would also have been transformative experiences in other ways.”

        This is beautiful. Thank you! It is so, so true that when we choose one path in life we are also saying “no” to others.

        I will repeat your idea to myself the next time I feel bad about myself because I have not achieved “traditional” markers of success (prestigious job, large salary, owning instead of renting…). TBH most days I’m at peace with my life but the doubting times are still unpleasant.

        I wish I could share your comment with my friends who aren’t parents and feel badly about it. (The last thing I want to do is say something that’s meant to be comforting but instead makes the person feel worse.)Maybe the opportunity will arise but in this case I’d rather say nothing than say the wrong thing.

      • LAnon

        Thank you for this!! I am 31 and very uncertain about having kids. This was the most wonderful and touching comment I’ve read about this topic in a while.

      • anonymous

        “In other words, life is full of transformative experiences”

        This is wonderful. I’m 28 and childless, so I guess I can’t say with authority that I have/will have transformative experiences just in other ways, but it’s frustrating how much society values having children as a transfromative experience to the exclusion of all others. This is such a thoughtful comment.

      • Anonymous

        Wow, thank you for articulating this. My husband and I don’t have kids, and likely never will. Mostly I’m ok with this, but your comment is a good thing to remind myself of when I’m feeling like we’re missing out by not having children.

      • Anonymama

        Yes! I think it’s comparable to that friend who climbed Everest, or travelled around the world, or got a Ph.D., or got really into running marathons… Having kids is a transformative experience, and not something you can sort of just do in moderation. So try to take it as those people talking about how having kids has been a huge step in their own personal life story, and only jerks or oblivious people would imply that it anyone is lacking in any way for not doing it.

    • Anonymous

      I have kids and I have never understood this way of thinking. I love my kids, but I am so many other things besides a mom and love many friends and family. I have loved watching them grow into adults and don’t wish they were still kids. I’ve done my job loving and raising good humans and that makes me happy, but I would be just as happy if I didn’t have kids.

  18. The Silent Treatment

    How do you deal with a partner who completely shuts down during the course of a calm, mature argument and then gives you the silent treatment for days? I am in the midst of this and seriously considering just ending the whole relationship over it (because it’s been a recurring issue). I just don’t see this an an appropriate way to handle conflict.

    Has anyone had success in dealing with this? Is this a deeply ingrained “style” that is never going to change? Should I break down and reach out to him? Ugh.

    • Anonymous

      This would be a deal breaker for me. You have to decide whether it is for you, but no, this is not something you’re going to be able to change.

      • Shopaholic

        +1 – me too. Silent treatment is just something I cannot deal with. It drives me crazy and I start to spiral. This would be a deal breaker. Conflict styles don’t really change and I’ve realized that a mis-match on conflict is one of the most stressful things in a relationship. (for me anyways – I hate feeling like I have to walk on eggshells)

        • The Silent Treatment

          I’m spiralling. Definitely. I was fine at work but my anxiety is eating me alive at this point. I’m going to take some Benadryl and have a glass of wine and go to bed.

    • CPA Lady

      Read John Gottman’s book 7 Principals For Making Marriage Work. It has a section on communicating/arguing that was very helpful for me and my husband. One of the things it describes is called “stonewalling”, where during an argument someone gets so overwhelmed that they completely shut down. It talks about how to avoid getting to that point.

      Alternately, break up, because that sounds really difficult to deal with.

    • Cc

      Yeah I’d end the relationship over it. I don’t have time for that and it just says so much about a person. They are willing to hold on to that anger and hate for days and just nurse it. It’s one thing to shut down during the argument and say – I need a little time/space, I don’t think silent treatment for days is anywhere close to the same thing.

    • Anonymous

      This is actually a form of emotional abuse. While “shutting down” during arguments can be somewhat common for a lot of people who don’t know how to deal with conflict, giving someone the “silent treatment” as a form of punishment is emotional abuse. I would leave the relationship.

    • BeenThatGuy

      So I’m your partner, minus the silent treatment. I have to remove myself from the situation. I do this because I need to figure out what’s going on in my head first before I can respond to the issue. I have a fear of saying something relationship ending when I’m angry. So I have to do a full assessment before I can deal with it.

      That being said, I communicate with my partner while I make sense of what happened. Ask them why they do this. If it’s out of spite or to get a rise out of you, run. If it’s kinda of like me, try to understand what’s behind it.

      Good luck.

      • Brunette Elle Woods

        +1!!! If a BF did that, I would end things. If it’s a marriage, then I would try conversations, e-mails, counseling, etc.

    • Senior Attorney

      Run away.

      I was married to this guy for 15 years and it was horrible.

      The Silent Treatment is my number one dealbreaker and I’d advise making it a dealbreaker for you, too.

    • curious

      Offering a different perspective here (cause I may have been accused of being your partner) – is it really an intentional, immature, I’m-going-to-punish-you kind of silent treatment? When I had conflicts/arguments with partners in the past, there are times when I knew that I would end up saying something that will be intentionally hurtful and that I will regret later. At these times, I need to put a stop to the argument and pull back and just stew on my own for a bit to calm down and I won’t talk to my partner because anything I will say will be mean or hurtful. Sometimes this can take days (depending on how upset I am – I rarely get upset, so when I do, I REALLY do) and it frustrated my partner to no end, but to me it was the lesser of two evils. Afterwards, I can discuss calmly and let them know X, Y and Z.

      Or if he’s really just being immature about it (e.g., you live together and you ask him to pass you the remote and he doesn’t acknowledge that you said anything or pass you the remote), then I agree with all the posters above.

      • Senior Attorney

        Honestly I don’t think the reason much matters. If the choices are “blow up and say something intentionally hurtful” or “clam up for days,” then that is somebody who does not qualify to be in a relationship with me. An adult human being ought to be able to be in a relationship without resorting to The Silent Treatment, period, full stop.

        • Anonymous

          I think reason and manner of doing it matters a lot, actually. Going AWOL is not ok and would be a deal breaker for me. It wouldn’t bother me if my partner said “I need to be alone for a day, let’s talk about this tomorrow.” But it sounds like OP’s bf is treating her horribly.

      • anonymous

        When I get really angry I disengage from the conversation for a while. DH can’t always predict it and doesn’t always understand what made me angry. other times it’s obvious. But usually I only need 10 minutes to half an hour to cool down before I can reengage in a mature, adult way. And I always, ALWAYS communicate this to him so he doesn’t feel like I’m just giving him the silent treatment. If he can’t respectfully communicate to you that he needs a little time to cool down OR if he needs days and days, I would break up with him. The latter isn’t necessarily wrong, but the anxiety would kill me.

    • Shots. Shots. Shots.

      Yo. Here’s the deal. That’s nonsense. Please join me and your BFF tonight. Guarantee she can’t stand this guy either. The Dixie Chicks are playing and you need to be singing along.

    • Closet Redux

      Wow, I am really surprised by the majority of the comments here telling you to end it! Like a couple of people above, I was the silent treatment giver for a while early in my relationship with my now-husband of 7 years. In my case, it was definitely a learned behavior. I grew up in a family that is not good at voicing and airing our problems to resolve them; we’re stewers, retreaters, and silent treatment givers by nature, then we forgive and get over it. I actually didn’t realize I was doing it– or maybe that it was hurtful– until my husband brought it to my attention. Sometime when we were not in a fight he started a conversation with me about how hard it was on him when I stonewalled him like that, and how it made him feel (confused, nervous, frustrated, etc.) and how he needed me to communicate with him in those moments, even if it was difficult for me. It completely changed the way I communicate with him– I’m such a better communicator than I ever have been, and I’ve stopped giving the silent treatment, ever.

      My point is, the way you argue is learned behavior. He learned to argue like this and he can learn to argue differently. If this is a relationship you want to preserve, don’t assume this is a behavior that he isn’t willing to change. Have the conversation– it worked for me!

      • Senior Attorney

        Well, certainly. If the person is the one in a million who is willing and able to change the behavior, that’s all well and good. But I think it’s vanishingly rare that someone actually does make the change.

      • The Silent Treatment

        But were you just like that during the actual difficult conversation itself or afterwards for days? My boyfriend and I don’t live together. Whenever I raise a difficult subject with him, he’ll not only stonewall me while I’m in his presence but completely ignore me until I reach out to him again.

        • The Silent Treatment

          Wanted to add that the sad end result of this stonewalling/Silent Treatment is 1:

          -we never actually have a chance to resolve issues because there is no willingness on his part to actually “go there”
          -I am “punished” until I apologize for raising the subject (even though I don’t think it’s necessary or possible to entirely avoid conflict in a long-distance relationship and don’t believe wanting to discuss challenging topics/needs is inappropriate) which seems to reinforce his feeling that this behaviour is appropriate/successful in getting what he wants

          He’s been ignoring me for two days now and I’m not sure what the best course of action is. I’m writing tests for a dream job next week and am just trying to focus my efforts on preparing for those but I have had to take four Benadryl a night to sleep and I’m a wreck.

          • The Silent Treatment

            That should’ve said long-term not long-distance, but again, I’m a wreck and not even functioning right now.

          • Blonde Lawyer

            Please be careful. I’m not a doctor but I had a really awful allergic reaction to poison ivy and had to take 2 benadryl every 4 hours and I have DAYS that I do not remember. And I wasn’t mixing it with alcohol. I thought I was fine during those days. I went to work even. I have emails that make perfect sense when I look back and read them. But I have NO MEMORY of it. I saw the Superman movie with my inlaws. Again, no memory. I can’t imagine that was good for me and you are taking double that (if it is not a typo). Please take care of yourself.

          • Closet Redux

            My only suggestion is to have the conversation. Sometime when you’re not heated, and when you both feel unthreatened. It sounds like now is definitely not that time, so maybe after your exams are behind you and you have some time to reflect and gather your thoughts about it. I don’t mean to suggest that my situation and your partner’s are the same; they are not. But I am so grateful that my now-husband had the conversation with me so that I could see what I was doing, how it hurt him, and change my behavior. Maybe that’s one in a million, like Senior Attorney says, but how will you know unless you raise it? He can’t know how deeply this is affecting you unless you tell him, so tell him. Of course if he reacts like a $hith3ad that’s another thing, but at least you laid it out there, told him what you need and why, and gave him an opportunity to rise to that occasion.

            Another note is to be prepared for how you might change your communication style to meet his halfway. Like, be willing to let him walk away and cool down, like posters above have said, without considering that stonewalling.

            Conflict avoidance will never work in a serious relationship. Serious relationships involve conflict! The goal is to figure out how to work through it together.

            Good luck, this sounds really tough.

          • Anonymous

            The best course of action is to break up because he is an abusive asshole.

          • Scarlett

            I have to agree with the end it voices here. I also don’t think the reason matters much if the person isn’t changing. I was in a long-term relationship with someone who did this because he was depressed. I felt guilty about even addressing the issue because he has a “good reason.” Finally ended it and I cannot even believe how much happier I am in a relationship with someone who is an amazing communicator. Bad communication isn’t something you have to settle for, figure out, make work. Some people just aren’t going to be right for you. Doesn’t make him an asshole, but makes him someone to leave. I’d tell my younger self to end bad things a lot sooner.

          • ArenKay

            I was actually on Team Have the Conversation Before Ending Things until I read this comment. But if he won’t talk to you until you apologize for raising an issue? Total deal-breaker; this isn’t something he’s interested in changing about himself. End it, and find ShotsShotsShots (after the Benadryl wears off).

  19. Lemon Tree

    I need some gardening advice– real gardening, not the LGP kind, ha! I recently received a lemon tree as a gift. I love and want to take care of it, or at least not kill it. I have googled extensively and learned that it likes heat and will be happy outside for the summer, it should come inside in the winter, don’t overwater (but what is too much watering?), and fertilize it (but when and with what exactly?). Does anyone have advice for keeping a lemon tree happy?

    • Anonymous

      Where’s Yolanda Hadid when you need her?! Lemons for dayzzz!

      (Sorry, I have no real advice, but enjoy your lemons!)

      • CJM

        I appreciate this reference. And I laughed at the “Yolanda Hadid” instead of “Yolanda Foster” you are with it

    • lsw

      General rule of thumb for plants – however much water you think they need, WATER LESS. This is for when it’s indoor and dormant, especially. If you’re keeping it outside over the summer, it’s in a pot, and you live somewhere pretty sunny and warm, do the finger test – stick your finger in an inch or two and see if it’s dry. Water then, and water thoroughly. You want to water until it’s running out the bottom. If it’s outside, don’t have it sit on a plant saucer or anything – let the water run freely. Sitting in water can rot the roots. (In the winter, I water in the bathtub/utility sink or I just empty out the saucer when it’s done draining.)

      I am a 100% lazy fertilizer and almost never do it. You certainly wouldn’t need to for a while – the fresh potting soil it’s in will have good fertilizer. I tend to just repot every few years and count on that to provide the fertilization it needs, but once in a while I get all inspired and mix up some powder in the watering can….but yeah, pretty rarely. You could also hit up your local garden center and ask about fertilizing a potted lemon tree, but honestly I’d err on the side of fertilizing less. If you want it to fruit, too much fertilizer will make the plant vigorously grow leaves but fruit less.

      I’m no expert, this is just advice from my mom + trial and error over years of gardening and houseplants, and I still kill stuff sometimes. Good luck and pay attention to your tree, if you notice anything (leaves dropping off, turning yellow, looking otherwise unwell) don’t fear trying a new spot or a new approach. And have fun because plants are the absolute best.

      • lsw

        Oh, and don’t be afraid to prune – you won’t need to for a while, but pruning/reshaping is good for a tree, even if it’s a little scary to do to a beloved plant.

        • Blonde Lawyer

          LSW – any tips for figuring out what is intentional in a garden and what is weeds? I inherited a garden when I bought my house and it is really overgrown. It’s been a couple years so I have more or less figured out what blooms flowers and I won’t get rid of those. There are some greens though that I just don’t know if are intentional, need to be trimmed, or are just weeds. I’ve taken the philosophy that if I think it looks good it stays and if I think it’s ugly it goes but I’m still curious what the prior owner paid to put there and what just grew naturally but shouldn’t be there.

    • Aerith

      Lemon trees will need to be fertilized after about 6 months – 1 year after getting it from the nursery or your leaves will start to yellow and drop off. I use DynaGro Foliage Pro (you can buy it on Amazon) and recommend using a self-watering planter if you can’t tell how often it should be watered. It should flower twice a year. The tree is self-pollinating, but you will need to hand pollinate it to get the fruit. If it’s dry inside, you can mist it with a spray bottle. They like humidity.

  20. JK

    Anyone up for a shopping challenge? I’m in the market for a new work bag for my 1 mile walk + two metro trains commute. I have been using a Lo & Sons Brookline for years now, but the hardware on the shoulder strap keeps breaking, so I’d like to explore alternatives. Here’s what I like about the Brookline: lightweight, nylon, easy to clean, has pockets that keep my wallet accessible for grabbing my Smarttrip card to swipe in and out of the metro, has both short handles and a longer cross-body strap. Things I don’t like: the slim briefcase shape – I would prefer a wider bottom to fit in lunch containers. Obviously I don’t like that the straps keep breaking, and also a more comfortable, padded strap would be great. Any suggestions? I’m open to any pricepoint that’s not totally insane, and I’m open to “men’s” bags too.

    • Legally Brunette

      I haven’t bought it yet but someone here recommended a bag by Dagne Dover. I really like the look of it.

    • Serafina

      I carried the Lo&Sons Brookline for years and just replaced it with a Dagne Dover! The hardware on my Brookline shoulder strap broke too, I just bought a cheap strap off Amazon that was ugly but comfortable.

      I have to say that the Dagne Dover might not meet your requirements – it’s heaver than the Brookline, and the bottom is as slim as the Brookline. The pockets are good though and I like the strap length, though, and the pockets are material are nice.

      I might go for a Tumi next time, though the nice ones are pretty expensive. Sorry I can’t be more helpful with a better recommendation!

    • Anonymous

      I have both the Brookline and the OG. I recently switched to a 13″ MBP for my work laptop, and I’m thinking about getting the Lo&Sons OMG as my daily bag. It feels a little crazy, but: the Brookline doesn’t quite have enough room for lunch + a pair of work shoes; the OG does, but it’s pretty big for bringing into meetings and such. I love the feel of the straps on the OG, though, and it has the kind of tapered shape you’re describing.

      In short – I think our needs are pretty similar, and I’m looking at getting the OG. If you have a 13″, maybe that would work for you, too.

    • gtpeach

      I got a tote bag from Patagonia recently for carry-on bag when I travel, and I love it. It is not super stylish, but it is very functional and not heavy.

    • anon a mouse

      You might look at MZ Wallace – both the Belle and the Kate. Checks all your boxes except a padded strap. The exterior pockets are golden for commuters – you can keep things like keys and ID/metro card at your fingertips.

      FWIW, I had hardware-breakage on two separate OMGs, so I wouldn’t recommend that. The company was great about replacements but I’m just not impressed with the durability of Lo & Sons for daily hard use.

  21. Gail the Goldfish

    I’ve got a lot of driving to do this weekend. I’ve bought the Hamilton soundtrack so I can finally find out why it’s so popular, but other than that, suggestions for podcasts, etc I can download to keep me entertained for 14 hours?

    • nylon girl

      The book The Son by Philip Meyer is great. Actors for all the difference characters so the audio version is one of my favorites to listen to. You can rent audiobooks at Cracker Barrel and then return and get part of your money back which is nice. They have lots of bestsellers.

    • Never too many shoes

      Book of Mormon soundtrack or the current West Wing podcasts with Josh Malina (if you liked the show).

    • Senior Attorney

      If you didn’t listen to “Serial” at the time, it’s riveting.

    • Sydney Bristow

      If you have a signal, the Salt n Pepa station on Pandora is awesome.

    • Moonstone

      If you are like me, you won’t need anything else because you are going to start Hamilton over from the beginning, over and over. I hope you love it.

      • Mpls

        +1 – I still listen to it almost daily during my commute. The lyrical intricacies, depth and complexity are transfixing. Personal goals are to be able to rap along with Lafayette/Daveed Diggs on “Guns and Ships”.

        While you are mourning the lack of more Hamilton, I recommend checking out “In the Heights”, which is Lin-Manual Miranda’s earlier Tony-award winning show (Best Musical). I think it’s neat to hear how the style connects across the two.

    • HSAL

      I love the podcast Welcome to Night Vale. It’s about a weird little town in the desert.

    • Anna

      Somebody last week responded to my similar question with a recommendation for Neil Gaiman’s Neverwhere on audiobook. It’s awesome! It got me through a very long drive.

  22. Montreal Advice

    Anyone here from Montreal? We are looking to relocate here and I am just stumped as to what is the best way to research daycare, schools, neighborhoods. We just found out the relocation news this morning.

    We are looking for a neighborhood with lots of young families, English speaking(?), and an easy car or public transportation commute to downtown and McGill.

    Thanks in advance, any websites etc suggestions would be most welcome.

    • Not in Montreal

      I don’t live in Montreal but I’ve heard from others who have, specifically about language. In the city people speak both French and English but the French always comes first. It can be more difficult to meet English speakers in more rural areas. Some people are very protectionist about the French Canadian language, so the French words and accent are now quite different from Continental French. Also, there are apparently literally language police that check to make sure French is spoken and listed first at shops and restaurants. So, I would expect to be learning French while you are there :) other than that I don’t have specifics to help you.

    • Anonny

      There are no ‘English’ neightbourhoods, all nice neighbourhoods are bilingual however. From your spelling you look american so I will tell you the Canadian public school system is phenomenal, so you won’t need to pay for private school. Bonus that your kids will pickup frenh much faster. Also you need to be open to learning French. While most city dwellers are bilingual most rural folk aren’t. Plus its polite to order your coffee in French. Montreal also isn’t really a ‘car’ place. Especially in the trendy and nice neighbourhoods. They have an excellent transit system. Its a very liberal almost European city. Its a great place to raise little bilingual open minded kids. The only thing that’s hard is daycare, public vs private, subsidies ect. Good luck

    • Anonymous

      Your kids will likely not be eligible for public school in English and would have to go to school in French. Your other option is private school in English. I recommend looking into the Plateau and NDG for bilingual family friendly neighbourhoods. There are subsidized daycares but they can be tough to get into. McGill is easy to get to from anywhere on island but if you are near a subway (Villa Maria in NDG is a good spot) it’s especially easy. McGill is a great place with a really nice community of staff so you will find English speaking friends there :) definitely start learning French though! Montreal is a great place to live and I loved growing up there. Lowish cost of living and just so much to do. The politics do get tiring though.

  23. Sydney Bristow

    I’m trying to replace a sort of athletic jacket I have that I got at Target years ago. It’s finally bit the dust. The fabric was like leggings type fabric. Soft without any sheen to it. It zipped up all the way and had no hood. Had pockets, but I don’t necessarily need the replacement to have pockets. No hood. It has a sort of stand up collar. It was really lightweight and perfect to throw on if it was warm but the breeze or a/c caused a chill.

    I’m striking out. What I’ve found seems to be made of fancy wicking fabric or has some weird pattern. Has anyone seen something like this recently? Solid color (black, gray, or white) ideally.

    • Anonymous

      Do you mean a cotton fabric, like old school leggings? LL Bean might have one. North Face I think has some softer matte fabrics, but they will probably be treated to be sweat wicking.

    • ace

      Zella? I have a couple jackets that fit this description from the last several years. The Motivation and Mantra jackets currently available on nordy’s website look like they might work?

    • Anon in NYC

      Check out the Define Jacket at Lululemon. It looks very much like one that I have (that’s a few years old) and it’s great for those in-between days and is soft, no sheen, stand up collar and no hood. It is wicking fabric but doesn’t feel weird.

    • Constant Reader

      I have a jacket similar to what you describe from Gap Body — if you strike out there, try Athleta (same company).

    • Sydney Bristow

      Thanks all. I’ll check these out. And yes, I’m talking about old school late 80s/early 90s leggings with the big sweaters kind of fabric.

      • Mindy

        Sport Authority had some on clearance today in NYC. 51st/3rd. you could try some other locations too.

      • In the Pink

        Snow Angel brand has some and in different levels of weight/warmth…

  24. MJ

    PSA – The Voyageur Q-Tote (large) is on sale at Tumi’s web s*te in many colors. It is a near-perfect work bag, if you like nylon totes. Highly recommend.

  25. I hate confrontation

    I’m sure this won’t be seen at this point but I am having my first over-protective parent moment (regarding my puppy) and am not sure how much I’m overreacting.

    I have a 3 month-old, medium-size breed puppy. A friend watched her today while I was at work, the plan for me to pick her up at 5:30pm. When I was on my way home at 5, she called to tell me she had taken her hiking an hour away (they were in the middle of the hike).

    She’s not supposed to be hiking anytime soon whatsoever. No small puppies are, but my puppy’s breed has a characteristic long back– easily injured during hikes. I didn’t really fully comprehend the situation until after we had hung up, and over the next hour I proceeded to text a few times/call once with no response. Now her phone is dead (another friend is with them who I am in touch with) and it’s 9pm. I have to get up at 4am tomorrow for a flight. They won’t be back in town for at least another hour. My dog isn’t injured, as far as they’ve told me.

    I won’t see my dog for 5 days, and I think all of this is creating the perfect storm of me getting myself worked up. This is a good friend, but she has a history of not considering how her actions affect others. I’m just not sure if I should say something (mostly to make myself feel better) because regardless, I won’t ever be leaving my pup with her again.

    • Anonymous

      Unless you specifically told her not to hike with your puppy, I think you’re overreacting.

    • Poor pup

      Well, I think the friend should have asked before taking the dog out of the neighborhood for a long walk. Walk around the block, sure. Walk in the woods with potential tick or parvo exposure is too much. I would say for now you could mention you’re sad to miss time with your pup before you leave. It’s also pretty inconvenient to keep you waiting like that. If you don’t plan on letting this person dog sit again, then say nothing about the hike. If you do have to use this person again in a pinch, then leave written/verbal instructions to only walk around the block.

    • Anonymous

      Yes. She was supposed to return dog at 5:30, and didn’t, and that’s not cool.

      “Angela WTF? I wanted to get the dog at 5:30 and you knew that. Why would you not be around? I appreciate your taking care of dog but that’s really not cool.”

    • Crazydogmama

      I’d be livid and never letting this individual watch my dog again. First there is the issue with her blowing off the mutual plan to meet at 5:30. Then there’s the fact that a three month old puppy hasn’t even been fully vaccinated yet. I would NEVER take a three month old puppy into a wooded area or park, etc. Third, the timeline of this hike is WAY WAY too long for such a young puppy. That amount of exercise at once is dangerous. This chick that’s watching your dog has super bad judgment and sounds selfish. I wouldn’t be friends with her anymore.

    • Wildkitten

      Is she flaky generally? I think the no-long-walk rule is usually about running, but either way, if you didn’t tell her you can’t hold her responsible. Get your pup back and don’t send her to that friend again, but don’t blame the human either.

    • Anonymous

      Did you tell her about the no-hiking rule? Fwiw, I’m a dog lover and treat my (adult) dog like a child, and I didn’t know a puppy couldn’t go outside on a long walk. It definitely makes sense in retrospect though but I can’t say the concerns about vaccination, etc. would have occurred to me by myself. Either way, she should definitely have had the pup ready at 5:30 and the fact that they disappeared and didn’t show up until way later is troubling. I wouldn’t leave the pup with her again, but I also wouldn’t end the friendship over it. Some people are terrible caretakers but that doesn’t mean they’re terrible people.

  26. CV Help

    Anyone have advice for pouring together a CV for a research program in Germany? I’m an American and haven’t done this previously.

    • In-House Europe

      Do you speak German? A German CV is a very different beast from a UK/US style CV. It is much more “factual”, listing all work, schooling, etc. (instead of just what you want to highlight). It is also common to include with the CV copies of any diplomas, certificates, etc. I would suggest using Dr. Google to find some examples. If you want, let me know your contact information and I might be able to help further.

  27. basil

    Super late comment, but I’m invited to brunch tomorrow at the apartment of a senior exec of my company (she lives in my neighborhood). I asked at work if I could bring anything, and she said that they had it all taken care of. Would you still bring wine or flowers or some other token like that? I want to have extremely good manners. :)

  29. Mariah

    Probably too late to comment, but this top looks like a curtain that hangs in a country-home breakfast nook, hotel, or rural diner. The elastic and the pattern together…..good lord.

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