Weekend Open Thread

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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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211 Comments

  1. Can we do an update thread? I love hearing updates from people, especially those who wrote in for advice on more serious issues (but am happy to hear updates about fashion or travel plans too!)

    1. I love this idea!

      I wrote in for wedding advice re: family who berated me (to the point of tears) shortly after my engagement. The advice here was really compassionate and outstanding.

      Good news: the advice really helped in terms of drawing boundaries, which made the planning process a lot better. Nuptials were beautiful – we had the low-key, loving, respectful ceremony and reception we wanted, amazing food, a venue that’s sort of famous and incredibly gorgeous, and (almost) everyone loved it and thought that it was really loving and special.

      The not so good news: this forced me to confront some deep-seated dysfunction as to how certain family members treat me. There had been much, much larger problems in the past, and I guess I stuck my head in the sand and thought that it was all okay since… it wasn’t death threats and physical abuse anymore. The non-abusive family members all think I’m overreacting and that I’m some evil, “acting out of character” whack job who has gone off the deep end. (A few months ago, I “came out” about the childhood problems to younger members of the family who were never told of it, and now the perp is refusing to attend family events that I am at.)

      The great part of the advice you all provided was to really think about whether or not I wanted these people in my life, and again, trusting from my explanation that this was a Real Problem.

      1. Your wedding sounds incredible!! So glad you ignored the bullies and had the wedding you wanted.

        1. Thank you!

          On another positive note, my in-laws are really incredible people. They were all so supportive and welcoming; it’s been great.

      2. <3 Your wedding sounds lovely! And I am cheering you on for the incredibly tough stuff you're working through. You're a bad@ss!

        1. Thank you… but trust me, I spend far too much time curled up on the couch, power-snuggling the cat, to be tough.

    2. I’d love an update from the woman who wrote in asking if her new boyfriend’s weird behavior about her using his piano was normal. Also would like an update from the woman considering dating a man who has been convicted of DV.

      1. I might be one of those – I was considering dating a guy who told me he’d been violent with an ex (but he was never arrested/convicted). He said she’d started it by hitting him first. Based on the advice here, I asked some more questions about the relationship. More disturbing details came out.

        For example, he told he that he ended it because he walking in on her cheating. Sounds like she’s awful right? I asked more questions. Apparently she had moved out of their shared home, but they’d sort of gotten back together so she gave him a key to her new place. One night, he asked if he could come over. She said no. He said he really wanted to come over. She said no again and then stopped responding. He went to her house and let himself in, and that’s when he discovered her “cheating” (tbh it sounds like they weren’t really together but who knows). I asked why he felt entitled to go there when she told him no. He said he had a key so that means he can let himself in whenever. That really freaked me out – this guy seriously has no boundaries.

        After I broke up with him, he continued to message me on every platform. After I blocked him, he started reaching out to my friends. He accused certain friends of conspiring to split us up (???) and told them they shouldn’t talk about him to me. He also threatened to show up at my house, send flowers to my office, show up at my office. I told him if he does any of those things I am filing a police report (ok I wouldn’t have done that for flowers). That seems to have scared him into leaving me alone. Fortunately I haven’t heard from him for a couple of weeks (fingers crossed).

        1. Whoa that’s a bad situation, and I’m so glad that you’re away from him.

          “Apparently she had moved out of their shared home, but they’d sort of gotten back together so she gave him a key to her new place. One night, he asked if he could come over. She said no. He said he really wanted to come over. She said no again and then stopped responding.”

          Here’s my guess: she “gave” him a key to her new place after a lot of browbeating from him. Now in his mind, he has the key, and he’s entitled to use it.

          Ask me how I know these things.

          1. I’m the person you’re responding to. Re the key – there are a couple of possibilities I can think of. The ex-gf is a single mom and doesn’t have a lot of local family. I know that she continued to rely on him for some childcare things after the breakup. I’m guessing he had a key for kid-related reasons.

            Of course he SAYS he had a key because they were back together and figuring stuff out. But even if that’s true, so what? He wasn’t living there. He’s not entitled to just let himself in whenever he pleases. The fact that he STILL didn’t understand that over a year after the breakup was a huge waiving red flag.

        2. Good for you – I am really glad you were able to get away before this escalated further.

        3. Clearly, this person is going to become violent or a stalker towards his next partner. Is there a way to flag men like this to warn other women (who are generally aware that this type of behavior exists, I realize not everyone will listen) not to date them? I feel like social media should release stats on percentage of blocks a user has against them (# of people messaged vs # of people who eventually blocked them).

    3. Cute idea! I posted a while back about attending a party where everyone had to present something. Like a talent show in a friend’s basement. Happy to report that it was NOT a MLM marketing scheme, and it was really fun/sweet – not everyone stood up in front of the group, but everyone had a beer/glass of wine/appetizer and was a great audience. I did a demo of some adaptive dance moves (low impact), everyone willingly stood up to ‘practice’ a move. People sang, played an instrument, one person brought and described a Very Special Appetizer (think expensive ingredients, chef-quality in taste and presentation) that he mastered while working as a sous chef, we had a mime – just a casual night of low pressure fun, with the bonus of meeting new people/learning new things about people you’ve known a while.

      1. Woah! A mime!! This sounds really, really fun to me. And glad yours went over well.

      2. Yay! I’m so glad it was a fun night! (I was in the minority here thinking it sounded like a hoot… I’m going to add this to my fantasy party roster.)

    4. I also got very good advice from this board. I had an issue with my friend befriending my boyfriend’s very toxic ex-wife, and then using things the ex said to try and get in the middle of our relationship. I made the decision to cut this “friend” out of my life, and once I had some time and distance away from her was able to see how judgy and negative she was. I don’t miss her in my life at all! Geez, that’s been about 2 years now. And even better, my boyfriend and I have a great relationship and are going strong!

    5. I’m wondering about the mom of really young kids who was planning to ask her husband for a divorce. I think he was awol on the golf course when she was dealing with a sick kid emergency. I hope things are going better for her, whatever she decided.

    6. I’d like to know how it’s going for the woman who found out her husband had an affair with the neighbor lady (… the lady’s husband didn’t know, and the kids are friends and hang out all the time). If you are reading, hugs from an internet stranger.

      1. Me too. Sending her all the love the internet can convey. As is the case with most of you women, actually!

    7. I want to thank the person who gave recommendations on what to do on a long (ie, all day stopover) in LA. My husband and I went to Venice Beach, ate lunch in a gorgeous cafe, then walked along the beach to Santa Monica pier and back. We planned to watch the sunset but it was around the time of those massive fires last Nov and the sun vanished into the smoke. We then had dinner at a restaurant in Venice Beach before returning to the airport for our late night flight out to Melbourne. It was a lovely day!

    8. I wrote in on Monday coffee break thread asking if couple’s therapy would be useful in our situation. I so appreciate the helpful answers I received. I especially like the book recommended by 5:03 anon “Stop the Fight: An Illustrated Guide for Couples”. I bought it because it sounded exactly like us. I think it will be very helpful.

      However, the circumstances are different today than they were last week. DH applied, interviewed and got the job, all in that one week. I also suddenly landed an interview (no verdict yet). We oddly really bonded through interview prep. I think our dynamic is that we don’t have a good approach to day-to-day but are amazing in pressure situations. I can think of many examples of this. My goal is to fight for continued communication as he gets settled in and gets bored? complacent? resentful he’s not accomplishing more? again which seems to be a big factor in our happiness.

    9. I’ve been thinking about the woman from about a week ago who discovered her husband had a credit card she did not know about and had credit card debt, but he would not tell her what charges were for. I think she described this as financial infidelity. I’d love to know whether he finally shared with her what he had been purchasing and how this situation has resolved.

    10. Not a serious issue at all, but I wrote in the other day asking others how they unwind after work to change my habit of eating while watching TV. I appreciate the commenter who defended my preference for TV watching, as well as all the suggestions about prepping for bed and focusing on beverages and doing something with my hands. The combination of those things and critically thinking about it (in a non judgmental way towards myself) seems to be helping!! Feels good and sleep is good!!

    11. I wrote in asking for life advice because I was trying to decide whether to pull the goalie and TTC or to look for a new job first because my organization was undergoing a leadership transition.

      A wise ‘rette replied something like “Gently, you’re 38 1/2. If you want a legitimate chance to try for a kid do it now.”

      That was the kick in the behind that I needed. I talked to my husband, he agreed it was time, and we pulled the goalie.

      A couple weeks later my healthcare provider called with results from some bloodwork and told me I had low ovarian reserve. She said I’d probably need help to get pregnant — maybe even donor eggs — but if I wanted to try to get pregnant without any interventions then we could give it up to three months. She was worried about waiting too long to start with the interventions because of my age.

      We’d already missed my fertility window for that month, but my husband and I set to work and two months later I was pregnant!

      As I type this comment I’m sitting up with my two week old son who just finished a bottle and is (hopefully) ready to konk out for another couple hours.

      So thank you, anonymous ‘rette who gave me the tough love I needed!

    12. I wrote 3 years ago asking for ideas for fun things to do with my 18 month old, because my then husband had said he wanted out of the marriage. We’d been married 2 years. The advice was good – that what I needed was to get an attorney. That many people made it through divorce (as a spouse or as a child) and that things could be better. I thought about posting an update many times but never did.

      The short story is that divorce was final last summer. I ended up filing because he wasn’t. Life really is much better. My home is peacful. My daughter is thriving. I’ve had a lot of therapy, and it continues as I’m still traumatized by what happened. Turns out he was absusive. And so were many relationships in my past.

    13. I wrote in because I was considering asking to WFH an afternoon a week (or leave early) to prepare for a big event related to a hobby I had (think being part of a famous ballet performance). I was also being considered for a promotion at the time. Rettes gave me tough love advice that nobody being considered for a promotion asks for time off or accommodations, as it clearly appears that I am not putting work first. This may sound obvious, but it wasn’t to me because (1) some people already WFH quite a bit or permanently, and my request would be temporary (2) I thought the promotion was pretty much in the bag because of things my manager had said.

      I really wanted to do the hobby related thing (even if it meant putting off a promotion), but I took your advice and did not ask for any accommodations. I worked hard on it at night after my kid went to sleep, and it was an exhausting few months but I made it, achieved a lifelong goal (in this parallel, I had to drop out of ballet as a child and took it up again as a grown woman).

      Regardless of all the hard work, my promotion did not happen. It went to another male peer, and a couple of months later when another role opened up (someone left), I thought this was my chance. But the second time, a promotion went to another male peer who works less than I do and has fewer years of experience! I was upset and mad and decided to channel it into job searching. Received a step up offer from a competitor and ready to give notice this week.

      1. Congratulations on getting a new job. I’m sorry for you that your sacrifices were for naught at your current employer.

  2. what’s the best carry-on bag? Is Away worth the hype? Is Tumi or Briggs and Riley worth the price? My current one no longer works and I keep having to check it. Recs wanted!

    1. I have an Away. I think it’s worth the hype if you mostly care about function – the layout is great and having a built-in charger has been fantastic. Mine is the dark blue color and scuffs really easily (I’ve never checked it and it has visible scuff marks, which hasn’t happened to other bags I’ve had). I don’t care about appearance much, so it hasn’t been a big deal to me, but I know some people would not be happy about paying that much for a bag and then it getting scuffed so easily.

    2. I LOVE my Briggs and Riley and I absolutely think it’s worth the price. I like having the peace of mind that it is a pretty indestructible hard case. I’ve had too many bad experiences with cheap ones. I also like that it is very low key looking and not really branded like a Tumi or a Rimowa. I don’t know why but I just don’t like the way that the Away luggage looks for some reason. The shape and style just doesn’t work for me.

    3. I got the Travelpro Platinum Elite (based on a wirecutter recommendation), and have been very happy with it through a year of heavy travel.

    4. I have the lightest weight Tumi roll on (hard side.) It’s basically indestructible.

      1. Second this I have a Tumi vapor in the inetrnational cvarry on size which is smaller than the intercontinental or American carry on. It is on its 3rd year of consulting i.e. weekly travel on planes, cars trunks, in trains, being sat on. I had to check it several times and it is still holding on. Best investment in years.
        A side note that many airlines prohibit you from having batteries on your carry on which was initially a selling point for Away. You will not be able to board with a battery bearing carry on or smart luggage on many airlines and they will force you to check your luggage

        1. It’s actually the opposite re bags with batteries. The battery has to be removable because it cannot be checked.

          1. This. Of course you can take the battery carry-on, everyone has a million electronic devices (laptops, tablets, cell phones) with lithium ion batteries. The issue with those batteries is in your checked luggage. The Away battery is removable though.

    5. I have a Tumi that I bought after having some suitcases (Samsonite? Kenneth Cole? I can’t remember the brands but they were those or similar) fall apart. It’s still going strong like 10 years later after lots of travel and abuse, so I think it was worth the money. I’m also a big fan of my Victorinox.

    6. I ordered an Away and sent it back because the handle felt really flimsy. I ended up settling on a Travelpro soft-sided spinner that I have had for a couple years now and am absolutely obsessed with. I travel a lot and it still looks new and rolls so smoothly. It also had enough room in it for a 2.5 week international work trip. I recommend it to everyone I know.

    7. I had and sent my Away back after 3 or so trips – scuffed really badly, flimsy handle and just a bunch of badly thought out design features. Saving for another Tumi – never had any issues with my carry on garment bag.

      1. +1. Should have sent mine back. The handle and zippers felt really cheap (the zipper pulls are legit painful to operate) and it scuffs SO easily.

    8. I have the Samsonite Lite Cube bought when half price (but expensive even then). The cost was worth it though. It’s one of the biggest capacity carry-ons yet very lightweight and rolls very easily. I also like the way the interior is organised. I am not the best at minimal packing(!) but this really helps me to be organised. My husband has now stolen it… He does far more travelling than me but kept saying he didn’t need a decent case, until he saw mine that is!

      1. Seconding all of this, including the family members who try to steal it for trips :)

        My Samsonite Lite Cube has been thrown around for 8 years and has held up nicely.

    9. I use an ebags Motherlode for personal travel and a Tumi international size roller bag for work travel, but the ebags one is so much better that I get annoyed every time I need a suiter and thus have to use my Tumi. In the last year, we’ve had two Tumi carry-ons where the zippers just died.

    10. Super late but I hope you are still reading — I love my Briggs and Riley. I loved my carry on so much I splurged on a full size. I bought it at an old school luggage shop and the salesclerk told me that Tumi had been bought by Samsonite in 2016 and they were not honoring the previous warranties as well as in the past and he didn’t think the quality was there anymore. This seems to be confirmed by googling about it also.

    11. I love, love my Briggs & Riley. I have had it for about 8 years and, while it is showing its wear (I travel a TONNE) it has held up super well. There is also a great warranty, and I have had the handle replaced at no cost.
      I particularly like my bag because it has a very large, flat section for clothes. The frame for the handle is outside of the suitcase, so the bottom of the case is perfectly flat. The corners of the case are square, so there are no small rounded parts. It makes a huge difference for packing – I can fit two weeks’ worth of clothes in my carry-on!

  3. What are your travel must-haves? I love hearing what other people use. Mine include Fresh lip balm, cuticle cream, a phone fully stocked with podcasts, and extra mints (Icebreaker wintergreen).

    1. Plenty of chapstick, enough layers to be warm in plane aircon, plenty of gum, and pretzels.

    2. Empty and clean contact lens containers for my own travel-size portions of eye makeup remover and facewash.

    3. If I am trying to sleep on the flight, which is incredibly difficult for me, I use this trifecta: undereye hydrogel, heated disposable eye mask, silk eye mask.

      I also like to have an oil stick or rollerball for moisturization. For overnight flights, I’ll also bring a makeup wipe if I wore makeup that day and some mouthwash.

    4. I mostly do ultra long-haul travel these days and my survival kit is:
      -Noise-cancelling headphones
      -Fully stocked kindle
      -Lipstick battery
      -Extra contact lenses
      -Fresh lip balm
      -Hyaluronic acid serum
      -Caudalie facial mist
      -Kiel’s avocado eye cream
      -Toothbrush/toothpaste

      1. I bought (totally randomly) Sony noise canceling earbuds at Dulles before an international flight, when I realized I didn’t have earbuds with me. They worked! I was watching a movie and my friend tried to say something to me and I couldn’t hear her at all.

    5. I must have tweezers. Even if I’m gone for a night, I always end up with some wackadoodle eyebrow hair that gets on my nerves… maybe a product of the different lighting in a hotel mirror? In any event, tweezers live in my travel bag.

      I have an anker thingie that works as a charger and a backup battery. Like, you can plug it into the wall and then plug two USBs into it to charge your phones, but when you unplug it, it’s charged up and you can use it when your batteries get low on the plane. Love that thing.

      1. The last time I was in a hotel I noticed the same thing! The bathroom had been remodeled and the mirror had lights all around it like a ring light. Great for selfies and apparently also great at showing me the weird hairs I’d missed.

        1. The tiny bathrooms on airplanes show all the chin hairs and clogged pores. Those places are a nightmare for me.

          I also carry tweezers at all times, not just traveling.

      2. Tweezers are a great idea. I always travel with a nail clipper and I always end up needing it for something.

      3. Can you link the baker charger? It sounds like a perfect gift for my dad… but not seeing it on their site.

      4. Am I crazy or were tweezers on the prohibited list for a while? I never bring them because I had to throw away at least one or two pairs!

    6. I often choose bulkhead seats so I have to stow my tote. I have a Cuyana zipper bag (a makeup bag really) with my chargers, earbuds, small hand lotion, lip balm and lipstick, Tylenol and Aleve in packets, mints, and toothpicks. I just added one of those two piece giveaway toothbrushes from United and a tiny toothpaste to it. When I get to my seat, I grab this and my iPhone from the tote, and throw the tote and my roller into the overhead right away. (I would only take up overhead space with a tote when in a bulkhead seat)

      I always wear a warm pashmina type thing onto the plane, and I also always wear light compression knee highs – a promise I made to my doctor when I started the bicoastal lifestyle.

    7. Kindle, hand sanitizer, hand lotion, eye drops, tissues, and a big bottle of water. If I’m sleeping on the plane, toothbrush and hearoes ear plugs. Also I always wear yoga pants or a dress.

    8. Flying gives me anxiety and I used to be in a flight distance relationship so I have a strict routine – 1-2 airport drinks. A bottle of water or iced tea, candy, and cosmo from Hudson News (or a book for longer flights). Favorite podcast episodes saved.

    9. For the plane: travel pillow, eye mask, lip balm, headphones, and emergency meds like Benadryl.

      For walking around at destination: water bottle, snacks, phone, battery pack.

    10. I also do mostly very long haul – 32 hours Melbourne to London last year. I have:
      cream for hands and face
      lip balm
      eye drops (replica tear type)
      eye mask
      nasal spray
      toothbrush and toothpaste
      facial wipes
      Kindle
      noise cancelling headphones (worth every cent on such long flights)
      ear plugs for sleep
      empty water bottle to re-fill onboard

    11. Nail clippers are the one thing I will not board a plane without. Hand lotion, lip balm, and a book are also critical. I like to have a few downloads on Netflix, though I rarely watch anything — but having the option is nice.

      1. I always end up tearing a nail when I travel and not having nail clippers to deal with it is the worst. I have, like, 5 pairs now and just keep a pair in my travel bag, suitcase, etc.
        I am thankfully traveling less these days but was on 30% travel last year and my must-haves:
        – In-ear noise canceling headphones, mine are Bose. They were a total impulse purchase at an outlet mall, but they sound amazing and the battery has surprisingly decent life. I put them in once I’m through security and don’t take them out till I leave the airport at my destination; they’re great insulation from the noise of travel.
        – Lightweight water bottle. I hate buying plastic water bottles and almost all airports have bottle filler fountains these days. P.S., I have tried the folding and collapsible water bottles and the were all disastrous.
        – All the charging cables and plugs, and also a fully charged extra power source.
        – Snacks for the plane – I’m gluten-free and all the airlines I fly have gone to handing out crackers. The same protein bar costs me 4x in the airport what it did at Target, so I carry my own food.
        – My Lo and Sons OG bag. Won’t leave home without it.
        – Eyedrops and fancy hand cream, I like L’Occitane.

    12. L’Occitane shea butter hand cream in Lavender. Banana Boat travel size sunscreen and Aloe Vera sunscreen lip balm. A nail file. Ricola lozenges. Aspirin, Sudafed, and Claritin. Travel size facial tissue. An antiseptic wipe.

  4. From this morning – how many people change shoes to go to lunch? I get commuting with another pair, but would never think to change my shoes unless it is pouring rain/lots of snow. Do you do this all the time, or only if you’re going by yourself?

    1. Our secretary changes into sneakers because she gets her steps in during lunch, if that’s what you mean.

      As for me, no, not unless it’s pouring buckets. My job involves calling on lots of clients, and ain’t nobody got time to be teetering around in impractical shoes, so I buy shoes I can walk miles in (and I’ve had to).

    2. Only if it’s really bad weather. But my office shoes are nicer flats not heels (and I commute in sneakers, rainboots, or clogs) & I don’t always change my shoes if I wear boots in, for example.

    3. I do in winter if I am going to our basement food court as people are tromping around from the subway with their boots on and there is slush and salt on the floor (but that is life in Canada). Not in summer.

    4. I do it all the time, but it is too cold or rainy 80% of the time where I live. It’s really nice — it has immensely extended the life of my shoes to only wear them when I’m at work.

    5. I change shoes to walk to lunch– from heels into decent flats (not sneakers/sandals). I wear heels about 98% of the time at the office, and I keep neutral flats around for lunch or coffee runs so I don’t ruin the heels outside.

    6. Change, because I wear heels around the office, and I really don’t need to kill either them OR my feet to walk a few blocks to pick up a sandwich.

    7. I wear sneakers to/from work and when going out for lunch. I have stupid duck feet with giant bunions (not from bad shoe choices, just genetic) and even wide dress shoes cause blisters and discomfort.

  5. Any recommendation for a casual-but-nice spring shoe that is not a boot, sneaker, or ballet flat? I see a bunch of different styles in stores but I’m not sure how to style any of them… Mostly for wear with skinny jeans, but would be nice if it looked good with casual dresses, too.

    1. I like the Cole Haan Pinch Leather Weekender – it’s kind of like a penny loafer, but a bit more relaxed. Got a pair on sale last year and wore them all time last summer.

    2. I like the kind of shoes that are sort of like d’orsay pumps, but flatter and with an ankle strap. They’re good with skinny pants and with dresses. Will see if I can find one to link.

      I also like pointy sling backs, if you can keep that style on your foot. I can’t.

  6. Any advice on how to get a general interest opinion piece published? Or on publications that tend to have higher acceptance rates?

    Using plain language, I advocate for a change to the law that will make an area of law fairer for millions of employees and put the US law more in line with some other countries.

    I’m not a star in this area of law, but I have the kind of credentials people who are snobby about law credentials tend to view as acceptable. My goal is just to get my work into a somewhat reputable publication, even if the readership is tiny. I’ve struck out at about a dozen major publications (from NYT down to Fast Company) and I’m beginning to get disheartened.

    1. Did any of the rejections give any feedback? I’m wondering if maybe it just needs a good “for publication” edit by someone who knows nothing about the subject area. Or lean in the other direction and focus on getting it published in some niche to your field publications first and then use that published work to leverage yourself into the larger publications?

      1. Only feedback I got was a, “good idea, but we’re done with this topic for awhile” (from a publication that ran a piece saying some proposed legislation on the topic was dumb, but didn’t give very actionable alternatives).

    2. You might try the Hill rags – Roll Call, The Hill. At least the right eyes will be seeing it. And they have some of the most accessible, shall we say, standards.

      I have some experiencing placing op-eds for Big Names and Important Causes and I couldn’t get in the majors, either. So take heart that if I couldn’t get an op-ed written by Someone about Big Thing Dominating National News in NYT/WaPo, etc, then you really shouldn’t feel bad.

      Additionally, is there a trade publication for your area of law? Human Rights Monthly or something? I’m in a really niche field and there are at least 3 major publications I can think of. Yeah, it’s only trade press, but it’s better than nothing.

      Also, know that writing an op-ed is drastically different than legal writing. It needs to be short, punchy, engaging, non-technical, with a strong hook right out of the gate. I suggest searching online for some tutorials to make sure that your piece checks all those boxes.

    3. Are you pitching this to publications in line with their guidelines? How many words is it? Have you had a smart but not attorney friend read it?

      Do you have any connections who work at these publications?

      Are you able to tie this into current news (not just #MeToo)? Is there a state that is contemplating a change of law that is in line with what you are contemplating, or adverse to it? (This is important: “general opinion” tends to not get published unless you’re a columnist. If you can explain why this is relevant to what is in the current news cycle, it will be easier.)

      Ideas: HuffPo, an ABA publication, the ACS or Federalist Society online publications, the largest newspaper in your region (unless your region is NYC), any professional societies or bar associations you are affiliated with, Medium… I’ll think up a few more.

      1. I’m pitching where the piece is within guidelines and seems like the kind of piece they’d publish. 750 words.

        Any advice on making use of connections? I do know some folks at these publications, but not very well (they’re friends of friends) and they work on different subject areas. I don’t know how to reach out without seeming kind of icky. When I was in-house, I wouldn’t have wanted a friend of a friend to try to ask me for help pitching a colleague on using a particular law firm.

        1. Communications professional here. 750 is too long for most outlets – try getting it closer to 600. You also need a news hook. Why is it important that the outlet publish this piece right now? Why would their readers care about it above the hundreds (or thousands) of other pitches they get?

    4. Thanks to all who have written with advice so far! I really appreciate it.

  7. I’ve been using Schmidt’s natural deodorant, but the baking soda is giving me a rash (the same thing happened with two other brands). Can anyone recommend a natural deodorant that works that doesn’t contain baking soda? Lavanila did not work for me, but any others would be great.

    1. I had the same issues and the only one I found that did not give me a rash was lume or the kopari. But neither really kept the smell down as much as I wanted. I’m trying the dove 0 aluminum free now, but its only been a week so jury is out.

    2. I like Tom’s of Maine (one without antiperspirant on most days, one with antiperspirant if I’m being more active).

    3. I used to use Le Couvent des Minimes Everyday Deodorant until it was discontinued. I am very bummed about this and haven’t found a replacement. Any ideas? I’m not thrilled with ones that use wax or oil because they do a number on my clothes, and none of them seems to have worked as well as this for me. I tried the Crystal which didn’t cut it for me in the summertime.

    4. It’s so funny to me to read comments here and other places about people wanting to use “natural” deodorants and usually ending up with a rash. I mean, if you get a rash from the regular traditional ones, too, then sure, explore. But there’s really no health reason not use them.

      1. I feel this way about so many “natural” things. My scalp is just getting over a rash I got from an all-natural essential oils and botanicals shampoo at a family member’s house.

      2. Some of us want to avoid parabens,phthalates, and other endocrine-disrupting chemicals. That’s generally a lot easier to do with the brands that market themselves as natural, but you do have to read the labels.

      3. I don’t like antiperspirant because it messes with my sweat glands. So I use deodorants that aren’t also antiperspirant. I feel that this is legit enough reason.
        OP, in the US I buy Kiss My Face liquid rock. But my favorites are the ones from Spain like Dernove, which of course, can only be bought when I travel there.

  8. Any recommendations for a good curling wand? I want big barrel curls but I haven’t figured out how to get them. I don’t think I’m coordinated enough to handle a curling iron with a clamp but I can definitely wrap my hair around a wand…

    1. I have a Remington one (the kind that comes with a heat protecting glove and a few different heat settings). It’s definitely easy to use.

  9. How long does kirsch last once opened? I have an open bottle from 2017 and I’d like to use it to make a Black Forest cherry cake (i.e., a one-time use that I don’t want to buy a whole new bottle for). Can I use the kirsch from the old bottle?

    1. I think it’s probably fine, but can you have a little taste and see if it’s still good?

    2. I generally think alcohol “keeps” forever, as in it won’t get mold or bacteria in it. If it smells/tastes ok, I feel good about using it.

      1. 2 years is fine. After 15 years liqueur can definitely spoil. Ask me how I know….

        1. To be fair, I’ve never had one that’s lasted 15 years! Shuddering at the thought of spoiled Bailey’s.

      2. I had a bottle of St. German that got moldy, so now I keep all of my lower proof alcohol in the fridge or freezer.

      3. I thought this but the fancy port I got for my 35th was corked after 2 weeks in the fridge. Drink up, kids.

        1. Yeah, once you open it, wine doesn’t last long, and port is wine. (also vermouth should be treated like wine, which I didn’t know until recently)

    3. It’s fine. To the extent the flavor is slightly less intense than it was when you opened it, which is all that would happen with age, it will be absolutely fine for baking. Most of my liqueurs are much older than 2017 and i still make drinks with them!

    4. It lasts forever….one of the great benefits of alcohol…..go ahead and make the cake. Btw, honey also lasts forever if kept sealed tightly…..I found 25 year old jar of honey in grandmother in laws house after she passed and happy to report that it was delicious.

  10. I’m considering buying a pair of Rothy’s. They sound pretty amazing – comfortable, machine washable, and I might be able to use my orthopedic inserts! Before I bite the bullet – any other brand recommendations I should try instead? And does anyone have a discount code to share? Thanks!

    1. Why don’t you try a pair on Poshmark so you can see how it fits your foot first?

    2. They’re great. I had zero luck finding comfortable ballet or pointed flats, until I tried Rothy’s. The points and loafers are my go-to’s. Loafers are overall more comfortable but also more casual. Size up a half size for points or loafers, more if you have wide feet. I’d recommend buying right from their website because you can easily return/exchange until you get the right size. Use ebates and you’ll get an additional 5% cash back.

      https://share.rothys.com/x/nqZrU1

  11. If you wear mostly black (or white, or gray)… how do you organize your clothes?

    1. Sleeve length and weight! I wear 80% black, the rest being denim, grey and white/cream. I also don’t have many things, so it’s easy to find what I am looking for.

  12. Recommendations for customizable cabinets? Our builder likes Kraftmaid but I feel like I need to learn more about cabinets to help think though what I want to be a done-right-the-first-time experience. I usually am a hot mess the first time I do anything, so do not want that experience with something this expensive (kitchen and bathroom cabinetry).

    1. I think Kraftmaid’s vantage line is nice. I would not pick any brand that does not have plywood boxes – mdf can warp if it gets wet, so a leaky sink can ruin your cabinets.

    2. Ikea? I love things like full-extension hardware on drawers + there are a million affordable options including entirely new doors that fit the custom box.

    3. We had KraftMaid cabinets in our house we just sold, and they were built like tanks. Granted, we spent a little more than most people do and got maple cabinet doors, but we got a lot of comments from Realtors who did house tours about “the cabinets must be brand-new!” Nope, 17 years old.
      I highly recommend getting cabinet fronts with the least amount of decoration, trim, gewgaws, etc. Our cabinets were solid front, just a slab of wood with rounded corners, and twice a year, I’d use a spray-on “cabinet cleaner” that had a degreaser in it and wipe them down. Cabinets with lots of front decoration look great when new, but over time the ones near the stovetop/oven accumulate grease in places that’s hard to remove. And don’t get me started on glass-front cabinets – my friend has some and in addition to betraying disorganized cabinets, she has to clean the freaking glass on them all.the.time. I don’t have the patience.
      As far as the cabinet interiors, we had two loose hinges we had to tighten up the entire time we lived in the house. We never had to replace a hinge or re-drill a hinge hole.
      The only bad thing I can say about KraftMaid was that when they shipped our cabinets, they shipped the upper corner cabinet (which all other cabinets must be anchored to) broken – it looked like it had been dropped, and the back corner was crushed, and they packaged it up and sent it anyway. When I called, they overnighted a new corner cabinet to us, but it still took them a week to make it, and that set us back on our remodel schedule. But that was years and years ago so take that story for what it’s worth.

  13. Has anyone had luck in a law firm setting with convincing/persuading/getting the partner they work for to implement more management tactics so that things may run a bit smoother/be more organized? In my case, I am in a small practice group of a larger firm. The people I work with are great – we do all generally get along and no one is a jerk. However, our group’s managing partner obviously hates (like a lot of lawyers I’ve encountered) any sort of management aspect of his job. This has specifically come up with the amount of stuff people are working on and when people are not going to be in the office. So, providing coverage for vacation is non-existent and you simply don’t know if someone is going to be in the office such that, if you have a question for them, whether they’ll be around to discuss the question. Sometimes it’s an important question that relates to a deadline (or having them review something before a deadline), and sometimes it’s more general that you’d like to get their thoughts on X. On the other hand, I have no “face time” requirement and my schedule is incredibly flexible. So that is a major plus.

    I was planning on discussing something with one of the partners today, but apparently he flew to LA. Not for business, but on a family trip. That has been planned for a while now. Just didn’t tell anyone. Something like this is a regular occurrence and it’s just starting to get annoying.

    I know you can’t actually make adults do anything, but it’s a cluster right now and I think just a few small things would make it so much better. I mentioned to him before that a shared group calendar of when people are going to be on vacation would be great. I don’t have kids, and everyone else does and all the kids go to different schools with different vacation calendars. I bought up this group calendar idea in the context that it probably wasn’t in anyone’s best interest if I took vacation when everyone else is going to be on spring break so that there was in office coverage. He agreed this was a logical point, said he would use the calendar, but then hasn’t. We also end up in situations where someone is billing 230 hours a month while someone else is billing 80 that month because he doesn’t know what people are working on and no one is discussing the overall work flow.

    Rant over, but advice and commiseration are appreciated.

    1. Do you all share an assistant or two? I’d start there. Sometimes it’s easier for trusted assistants to manage up on things like that.

    2. Been there. You can try gentle suggestions, but you’re unlikely to get him to change. The best methods I’ve seen so far is learn how to manage what is in your control and manage around the partner. For example, you might be able to get the secretary to manage a group calendar – it’s a lot easier for people to tell the secretary a they’re passing by “I’m going to be out X-Y” then to get them to update a calendar. Plan for things way ahead of time, give way more lead time than you need for stuff, proactively ask when people are going to be out on Mondays, keep track of what deliverables you need from the partner and consistently remind him. Yes it’s chasing, yes, it’s annoying, but it’s how you’ll get your job done with less stress.

    3. Honestly, your ideas are good and your intentions are, too. But I don’t think strong attempts to regulate vacation schedules will be well received in a department that has been operating like this for years, presumably without disaster. I think you need to focus on your own work and what you need to get it done. If you know you’re going to need to file something on May 1, say you plan to have a draft by April 25 and will that give partner enough time to review? He/she might say, no, can I please have it before I leave on vacation, or e-mail it to me and I’ll read it on my phone/laptop. If you want to schedule a vacation, tell the people who need to know well in advance so that they can plan around you. I know you mean well, but I think I’d be a bit annoyed with a junior person trying to herd the cats like this.

    4. Do you work for my partner? I am the one dying of boredom while other senior associates are billing 200 +. I have tried time and time again to remedy it but I suggest what Anon @ 3:52pm is saying about a trusted assistant, which might work better than you doing it yourself. When I try to remedy it I am told that it’s hard with kids and a full caseload and that if there was a problem specifically with me someone would say so.

    5. In my group, we send each other calendar appointments like “Lilly to ABA conference” the days she’s out or “Jack vacation” and then people check around before like “I’m flying to X on this day and will be sporadically available; let me know if I need to triage anything before wheels-up.” Just like a FYI to CYA. But then if you know everyone is out b/c xmas and NYE, it will just be a cluster (or someone can be on-call).

      1. I’m in an org that does this and the result is 390 out of office meetings on the calendar. It drives me bonkers and I decline most of them, which defeats the purpose.

        Definitely work with the most “in the know” admin to run a group out of office calendar. Once everyone gets in the habit of notifying the admin, it becomes seriously useful.

        If there is a receptionist or front desk person, that person should also be able to add to the calendar. It makes it easy for someone to mention that they are stepping away for a long lunch or leaving early for the day, but will be available after 5pm or whenever.

    6. I worked for someone like this, and I think you really just have to realize you can only control yourself. Our group was one partner, two associates, and an assistant. For something like vacation time, the associates and the assistant would just create an Outlook event for our vacation and add it to everyone’s calendar. Everyone had to “accept” the invitation too. Partner did not do this and would not really look at his calendar until a week before… but he could never complain that he didn’t know when we were going to be out because it was on his calendar.

    7. My team uses a group calendar and it’s great, but I agree it probably won’t work if people arent interested in adding to it.
      BUT… if you guys use outlook, people can share their calendars (just the main topics even if you want to keep details private)… that way you can just check teammates calendars.

    8. Try leading by example. If you’re going to be out of the office, give the team a heads up. If you want a reply by a certain date, make it clear in your email.
      I started doing this and was surprised how quickly other members of the team started doing the same thing. Of course the boss might not, but you then have something tangible to discuss with him/her, along with evidence that it works and people appreciate it.

  14. Can anyone here give any advice on breaking into presenting continuing education programming for your field? I am in a field with a certification that requires education credits for recert, but the classes are expensive for the salary range of most in the field. I have a higher level degree and the certification and am very knowledgeable in our field, and am considering getting into doing this kind of teaching with a long term goal of finding ways to directly offer classes that would be more reasonably prices. While I know there are more lawyers than non around here, wondering if anyone has thoughts/advice on getting into the webinar style continuing education area?

    1. I have a relative who offers continuing ed in her field. As for how she got into it, it’s not quite the answer you want to hear – she became recognized after decades in the field as the preeminent practitioner and decided it was way more fun to teach CE than to do her main job, so she wrote The Text for her field that everyone references and gives CEs on it now.

    2. I’m in law and I’ve done a couple of these. I submit a proposal for a presentation to the conference, website, etc. For conferences, typically proposals are due 6-9 months in advance. For webinars, there should be contact info somewhere on the site for submitting proposals.

  15. Out of curiosity: As a bride, would someone not attending a wedding/backing out of being part of the wedding party (for very valid financial and life reasons) be enough to end a friendship for you?

    1. Since you said there are valid financial and life reasons, not at all. I mean, I would be annoyed if it happened last minute but if something like a job loss, family illness, etc. happens, it happens and you can’t control that.

    2. For “very valid financial and life reasons” I might be irrationally hurt but would not end the friendship. I do think part of friendship is showing each other grace, especially in difficult times. I’d be a lot more upset if it was something that could have been avoided with planning, like if she agreed to be in the wedding party but then decided she wanted to use the money for other discretionary stuff. But if someone had a death in the family, or a tree fell on her house, or someone lost a job, or whatever– I wouldn’t end a friendship over that.

    3. I would not end a friendship because someone who was just supposed to be a guest couldn’t attend a wedding, even if they’d RSVPed yes and backed out suddenly.
      For backing out of the wedding party, I would say generally it wouldn’t mean the end of the friendship, but it does depend. Just because it’s a “valid financial or life reason” doesn’t mean it’s a good reason to drop out at the last minute. If you’re a grad student on a shoestring budget and agree to be a bridesmaid and then a week before the wedding you tell me you can’t afford to travel to the wedding, that’s something I’m going to have a hard time getting past because travel costs are something you should have anticipated when you agreed to be in the wedding.

      1. This. There are understandable reasons and there are “your failure to plan is not my emergency” sort of situation that I think it’s fair to be angry about. But there are few things that I’d in a friendship over, even this. If I found out friend agreed to be bridesmaid then bailed last minute due to costs that were anticipated 6+ mths ago, then I found out they went to Cabo with girlfriends instead, yeah, that’s friendship ending because of the level of disrespect and lack of care shown to me (if bride)

    4. For flakiness, yes. For the valid financial and life reasons, no. I actually can’t imagine ending a friendship if my friend had to back out of the wedding because she lost her job or had to care for a sick parent, but if you would do that, then maybe your friend is better off making new friends.

    5. Not for valid financial and life reasons no. But I suspect that “very valid financial and life reasons” is a squishy subjective area. You’re asking this for a reason, how would you like to be validated?

    6. What in the world? Absolutely not. Although I’m someone who thinks weddings are over the top and eloped instead so maybe I just don’t understand.

      1. Yes – when you aren’t spending time, money and energy hosting people, you have a different perspective on things

    7. It depends on the circumstances. Obviously things like a death in the family, serious illness, etc would be totally understandable. But for most other reasons, I may not end the friendship but I may dial back on putting any type of effort into the relationship. One of my friends suffered an extremely serious injury (a very badly broken leg) and missed the wedding, and I was more worried about her health and wellness than anything else. Another friend decided 2 weeks before the wedding that she just couldn’t afford to come (she lives 45 minutes away), and I am friendly to her but haven’t invited her to any major life events since. (When I turned 40 and threw a very fancy dinner party at a local restaurant, she mentioned being hurt, but I didn’t really engage beyond a polite ‘sorry, seats were limited’)

    8. I’m confused. Declining an invitation and backing out of the wedding party are very different things. Or is the person in question doing both?

      An invitation is not a subpoena, so declining an invitation is a non-event.

      If someone already committed to being in the wedding party and then backs out, I mean life happens but they need to handle it promptly and maturely. I would not ding a person for backing out for valid life reasons, but I would not be pleased if they did it at the last minute and left me and everyone else scrambling to pick up the slack, financial or otherwise.

    9. It would not for me but it does for others. My husband was a first responder and forced to work a weekend that we were supposed to go to a wedding. It was a long drive a couple of states away and I decided not to go because my husband couldn’t go. The friend at issue was my husband’s friend anyway so it seemed kind of weird for me to go without him. We still sent a gift, a profuse apology, and explained the emergency work situation. They never sent a thank you for the gift and basically never spoke to us again.

      1. That is so petty of them. I’m the elope comment above. I just don’t understand behavior like this!!!

    10. I would never end a friendship because “you didn’t come to my wedding.” A couple people came to my wedding whom I really wouldn’t have expected to come, and it spurred me to try to cultivate my friendship with them more. (Online/long distance friends, mostly. Alas.)

      I once backed out of being in a wedding party before a date had been set because I didn’t want to be friends with the bride anymore, so she cut me off, and I wasn’t hurt by that in the slightest because (a) it was completely her MO anyway, (b) it was understandable, and (c) it was what I wanted, too.

    11. Of course not! But I’ve had one ended on me for similar reasons, and honestly, if that’s how she feels about her wedding vs my situation (my father was dying) then good riddance to her.

    12. If it’s a good friend, as a hypothetical bride I would prefer to work with my friend and see how I can make it less expensive. Not expect her to get hair and makeup done, wear old shoes, stay with a friend instead of getting a hotel room, etc. If there was absolutely no way she could come, I still wouldn’t end the friendship. If the friendship does end because of this, then I don’t think it was really such a great friendship.

    13. I have rather strong opinions about this (from having been on both sides):

      I’ve been a bridesmaid at times when I didn’t have a lot of money or time, and the way I handled it (even in my early 20s) was to have a talk with the bride about what I could commit to in terms of time and money. They all worked with me to make it affordable, and not get too upset about things like arriving in from out of town the day before the wedding.

      When I asked my younger sister to be my bridesmaid, I laid out the deal: I wasn’t having a bridal shower or a bach party, so she didn’t have to plan for or pay for pre-wedding events; she didn’t have to pay for anything (I was covering her dress and our parents were paying her travel); she could wear any dress she wanted to that was appropriate for the occasion. She turned me down because her entry-level office job (she’s 24) sometimes requires her to work until 7 pm, and she “didn’t have time” and “it would be more fun to go as a guest.”

      You can’t fight with someone over that, but I lost so much respect for her. It’s like, over an eight-month time frame, you can’t pause Netflix for long enough to log onto Nordstrom’s and order yourself a dress? That’s a pretty definitive statement about what I mean to her.

    14. I had a bridesmaid quit my wedding, albeit with plenty of advance notice (she quit around the time we were ordering dresses so there was no money wasted on my end). I’m sure she would tell you it was for “very valid financial reasons” (she said she couldn’t afford it) but the costs involved in participating in my wedding were pretty minimal – just the costs of attending the wedding, since there was no bach party and I paid for their dresses – and she wasn’t living like a pauper (she took several nice vacations with other friends the year I got married). I wasn’t mad, but I was pretty hurt. It was clear she didn’t value our friendship the way I did and didn’t care all that much about being at my wedding (which is her prerogative, but it was still hurtful to find out). Truthfully, I probably would have been as hurt if she’d declined to be a bridesmaid from the beginning, but at least I would have saved some face. It was kind of embarrassing to announce “X is a bridesmaid” to everyone and then have her quit. I wouldn’t say I “ended the friendship” but I didn’t invite her to the wedding, because I understood her to be saying the costs of traveling to the wedding were prohibitive for her. Then I found out from mutual friends that she was mad because she still wanted to come to the wedding, she just didn’t want to be IN the wedding? Which didn’t really make any sense to me, given that her reason was finances and her expenses as a wedding guest would have been essentially the same as her expenses as a bridesmaid. Anyway after that our friendship just kind of fell apart…I think we were both mad/hurt and neither of us made any effort to mend the friendship.

    15. For the record, I’m not the bride in this scenario and not trying to be validated in any way, Anon @ 4:29.

      As for the ex-bridesmaid, a few scenarios have been mentioned above that hit the nail on the head (student status, newly diagnosed terminally ill parent) coupled with an inability to get any information on when she should fly in or where to stay. Making the call on this was hugely difficult for her because she didn’t want to disappoint the bride but also she’s also trying to manage the cost of frequently traveling to another state to care for her parent on a grad student budget.

      The wedding is in a few weeks and invitations haven’t been sent yet. I know my inevitable No RSVP won’t matter in the end and I’m sure the bridesmaid situation is probably frustrating for the bride, but I just have a sinking feeling this will end our relationship.

  16. What color shoes would you wear with a turquoise cocktail dress? It’s more of a brighter light turquoise. Planning on wearing gold jewelry but gold jewels + gold shoes sounds extra to me.

    This is for an April event.

    1. Anything with the same color…temperature? So, bright versions of the colors (fuschia, sunny yellow, kelly green, teal, purple), as opposed to pastels or muddy versions. Or anything metallic or nude.

      Gold shoes seem fine to me.

    2. dark red, mustard, gray (suede), rainbow, pale pink… re gold shoes, depends if your jewels are heavy or delicate. If the latter, I think it should be okay.

    3. I’d do light grey or maybe that blush pink I seem to be seeing everywhere. I wore black shoes the other day with a turquoise dress and a black blazer, because my nude-for-me heels just looked dated and I apparently don’t have anything else that is light-colored. Didn’t look terrible, but I had to do a black blazer to feel like black shoes worked.

    4. Without seeing the dress, I would say gold, bronze/copper (close to my skin color, but metallic), cobalt, or teal. Yellow if it is daytime or a less stodgy event.

    5. There are two ways to go here. Neutral, which could include metallic, nude for you, or animal print like snakeskin or leopard. Or contrast, like red/orange/coral, depending on the value of the dress color, or a colorful print. Try Boden, Anthro, or Ann Taylor.

  17. I just want to say a huge thank you to the people who recommended the Revlon one-step hair styler earlier this week. I have long, mostly straight (sometimes a few waves, not in a good way), fine-but-a-lot-of-it, color-treated hair, and whether I blow dry or use the straightener it just never looks great. Always a bit fried-looking, and I don’t like the stick-straight ends I get with the straightener, but I’m also too lazy to do curling irons/curlers. Anyway, I was skeptical about the styler since these things are always to good to be true, but decided to try it and used it today for the first time. It actually looks like I just came from a haircut. My hair NEVER looks like this when I do it on my own — like, it’s soft, smooth, ends curled under, I can’t believe it. And I’m not one to make random comments on the internet like this at all, but I’m just so freaking surprised and pleased! So thank you, thank you, and totally agree with those who said it’s a game changer!! (Not an ad, I promise. 10+ years reader who almost never posts.)

    1. Okay, I’m tempted. Which one did you get? The volumizer or just the styler?

      1. Not OP, but I have the one-step volumizer dryer and I think that’s the one everyone has been raving about. It’s like a round brush but the sides are flat. I have wavy/curly hair that takes forever to dry and it has drastically simplified my post-shower routine. It takes me 15 minutes max to get a good blowout with this tool, where it used to be minimum 25 minutes with a regular round brush and good hair dryer. Highly recommend!

      2. Yes, it’s the one-step dryer and volumizer — just like Ginjury described. Hope it works for you, too!

    2. I was intrigued by this product from the last discussion, but now I am definitely ordering after reading this!

    3. So I read your post this morning and went right off to Target to buy this. My hair has been such a tremendous pain to style since I grew it out – thick but fine, with textures ranging from 2a to 3a, top layer being straightest, which keeps it from looking good when air-dried. I can blow it out with a round brush & hair-dryer on high, but it takes forever, my arms get tired, and I still can’t get all the kinks out.

      This styler is amazing! It was actually pretty fun to see how well it worked – best feature is that I can use both hands to control the device and get better traction on my hair. Definitely worth the price.

  18. I am so ready to leave my job without anything lined up. I know that’s an incredibly stupid move, but I am just flat-out miserable. I have tried to remind myself all the good things and be positive, but the environment feels so toxic. I’m already on anxiety meds, btw. Several of my colleagues are job searching, too — so it’s not just limited to one manager or one team. I just feel like no matter how hard I work, it’s never enough and I cannot keep up with all the competing demands on my plate. That’s the same problem across the board. I’ve raised my concerns with my supervisor and it hasn’t helped at all. I’ve put up with this for more than two years and it’s not getting better.

    At this point, I may need to scale down my expectations for the next job. I think just getting out is a worthy goal at this point, but I am so fearful of ending up worse off financially and career-wise.

    help?

    1. FWIW, I just did exactly that – gave my two week’s notice without lining anything else up. Today was my last day.

      Before I made the final decision to quit, I ran it past several people I worked with in previous jobs (including two of my former managers) to make sure that it wasn’t career suicide. All of them thought it would be a non-issue, provided I did something I could talk about in an interview while I wasn’t working (“just be able to make it clear that you didn’t sit around smoking pot and playing video games” was how one of them put it).

      I also did a bunch of budgeting stuff – figuring out how long my runway is for finding work, thinking through what the minimum salary I could accept and still fund my lifestyle (now and in future retirement), and deciding what things I could stop spending on temporarily while I’m job hunting.

      Finally, I decided (based on how long I have to find a new job, per my budgeting) that I could afford to take a solid month off to recover from my old job before I start applying for work.

      I feel lucky to be in a place, career-wise and financially, where this was an option… but tbh, my job was getting increasingly toxic and something had to give. Remember that sticking it out for an extra few months is kind of meaningless if it wears you down so much that you can’t do a solid job search, or if it will leave you in a place that you won’t be able to function well at your next job, either.

    2. I’d consider approaching your job differently. It sounds like you’re invested in doing it perfectly and the frustration is not being recognized and having too much to do. Instead of quitting for real, quit in your head and job search while you’re there. Do the necessary but don’t go above and beyond. Essentially free yourself mentally from caring, and plan your escape while you’re still gettting paid.

    3. I”ve quit without another job lined up and never regretted it. Don’t be held hostage by your boss.

    4. Sometimes you have to do this for your own sanity! Esp. if its toxic. My DH left a toxic workplace and it took him 6 months to recover and suddenly got 2 jobs in a week when he was finally ready and applied. Don’t push yourself to this point, quit before it gets that toxic, even if you are not able to get another job. I watched his recovery and it was pretty painful for him. Yoga, sleep, exercise, therapy, health supplements – all helped! and he wasn’t bumming around the house, watching TV – just mindfully recovering from the mad stress he accumulated over 6 yrs! We had emergency savings, so I wasn’t worried for his job, but more worried for his mental health.

      During your break, network – connect with lot of your friends, work contacts, exercise, go for walks, volunteer for a cause that interests you – if your break turns longer than you anticipated, you could even say you took a sabbatical and volunteered and are ready to join workforce with renewed energy! Good luck!

    5. I just did this. No regrets – and I got an offer from another job the day after I left. But even if I didn’t, it would have been the right decision. Mental health matters more than a ‘perfect’ resume.

    6. I did this exact thing at the end of the year. Trying to cope with my job and workplace resulted in me in therapy and on anti-depressants. I made the decision one day when I was sobbing over my laptop while working from home. You mental health isn’t worth it, and I have no regrets. I quit in mid-October and was working again by December.

  19. This might be a bit late, but I just learned today that a formal email (addressing someone you haven’t met) should have a colon after the salutation, such as Dear Dr. Smith: so now I’m a little bit curious.
    Have I been rubbing everyone the wrong way, cozying up to internet strangers with presumptuously intimate commas?

    1. I wouldn’t be offended by a comma from a stranger. However, if the person is a total stranger and emailing me out of the blue to sell something to me (like when people get my name off the state bar website), I like “Ms. Lastname” rather than my first name. That said, I’ve never responded positively to one of these out of the blue emails…

      1. Good for you for being brave and taking care of yourself- if it was that bad and you really couldn’t get time and had space to Jon search then you did the right thing. Now take a little time to recover and rest, and get mentally focused on a job search. How exciting! This is the beginning of your next chapter!

    2. Don’t worry about comma and colon! It’s no big deal…. Google to find the right thing and apply for your next email. It’s really no freaking big deal as that stranger implied.

      No point in beating up ourselves for such small mistakes. Nobody died! Earth didn’t shatter from that comma. We can only do things based on what we know. Now that we know better, we can always do better. Paraphrased from Maya Angelou. Original quote – “I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.”

  20. Any Sydney recommendations? Headed for a work trip in a couple of weeks. Will have some free afternoons/evenings. Interested in things to do, neighborhoods to walk around, outdoor excursions. Also interested in a hotel rec – will be spending a few days at a conference at the ICC.

    While I’m at it any jet lag recommendations? Will be traveling from the east cost. Thanks!

  21. Best women’s multivitamin? Preferably gummies. Making a Target run tomorrow and need to replace the Olly multivitamin gummies which I did not like (awful smell and taste). I’m new to the vitamin taking game.

    1. Nature’s Bounty Women’s multivitamin. They taste GREAT. I also take the Hair/Skin/Nails version and my stylist is always amazed at how fast my hair grows. You can get them just about everywhere.

  22. Do any South Bay residents have recs for a counselor/therapist? I’d love to find someone in the Santa Clara to Palo Alto area. I’m having a hard time controlling the physical symptoms of stress, which is unusual for me. I’ve been a busy overachiever my whole life, and I actually kind of love the feeling of being “too busy”. Except, over the last few months, I’ve been increasingly unable to shake the sense of impending doom, knots in my stomach, heavy/tight chest, racing heart, and shallow breathing that comes with feeling overwhelmed. I can rationally deduce that in fact, nothing is actually wrong. This assignment or traffic or email or situation is just not that big of a deal, but my body won’t calm down. I exercise regularly, drink plenty of water, eat pretty well for the most part (though, lately, I’m having issues controlling cravings. Like, sure, I could skip this cupcake, but why? I want it, so I’m going to eat it. And also, a second one, because I can). I can pinpoint some very distinct and real causes of stress in my life, and I can rationalize that they’re out of my control. So basically, I need someone who is practical, and will believe me when I say that I’m quite capable, but having some troubles right now. I don’t need pity, I don’t need “understanding”, I need a solutions-focused person who can help me get beyond the usual coping strategies that are failing me for some reason.

    1. Have you already seen a doctor? Have you taken your blood sugar while this is happening? I would not assume from the start that this is primarily psychological, especially if your stress sources are the same and your thought patterns are the same.

    2. I had most of these physical symptoms and it turned out I had an overactive thyroid. Stress is a major trigger for the autoimmune disease that caused my thyroid problems. I agree with starting with a regular doctor.

    3. Thanks for the rec and the suggestions to talk to my primary care physician as well, I haven’t taken my blood sugar or had my thyroid tested, so addressing the physical symptoms as something other than stress is probably warranted.

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