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Weekend Open Thread

Gap Button-detail boatneck TSomething on your mind? Chat about it here.

Gap, Banana Republic, and Old Navy all have great sales going on right now — after perusing the sites this morn I bought a bunch of deeply discounted basics that are hurtling my way right now. I like this button detail boatneck tee so much I nearly bought two — it's great with jeans or beneath a suit. Was $19.50, now marked to $12.50 (but take another 20% off with code GAPSAVE20.) Available in black, white, oatmeal, and two grays, in regulars, talls and petites. Gap Button-detail boatneck T

237 Comments

  1. Inspired by last week’s “Target Day”, I decided to look through their selection of sheath dresses and ordered a few and am reporting back. For the length, I am around 5’9″.

    Mossimo Black Ebony Sheath Dress (http://bit.ly/aLm0S5): This dress was nice. I liked the fabric and it was lined, but there was absolutely no stretch to this. So while it fit my upper half, it was not happening around my generous hips. But I held the dress up to me and it appeared that without a backside like mine, it would be knee length. Viewing this dress side-by-side with the others, I believe this dress is verging on Juniors sizing.

    Mossimo® Black: Women’s TRS Sheath Dress – Black Herringbone (http://bit.ly/bYkQdV): Love, love, love. Nice neckline, top of the knee length, fitted without being inappropriate, and creates definition so it does not look like a sack. The fabric was very nice, had a bit of stretch, and the dress itself is fully lined. Keeper. I also go this one in black and it was the same. Another keeper.

    Mossimo® Black Women’s Sheath Dress w/Neck Detail – Phantom Grape (http://bit.ly/bF2Zka): Can someone please explain to me why this is the exact same dress as the one above, but this has no stretch? This particular dress is a no for me because of my hips, but the fabric was nice, the color is very deep and rich, and the dress itself is fully lined and knee length. This one will be a sad one to part with, but it must go back.

    Merona® Women’s Twisted Neckline Dress (http://bit.ly/dqzuiT): No. Just no. Too tight, too short, no stretch in the fabric, and yes ladies that is a split you see in the front of the dress. But the belt was nice. If I could return the dress and keep the belt, I would.

    Final question, who thought to put a zipper in such a manner that you practically have to be a contortionist to zip up on your own?

    1. I’m the one who posted the links to the sheath dress in Phantom Grape and Herringbone last week. I kept both of them but I totally agree that it makes no sense that the purple one has no stretch. Also – I literally THREW MY NECK OUT trying to zip it up. I was out of commission for days. Just say no to dresses you can’t put on alone!

      It is a great, cute dress, though. I’m sure I’ll wear it again (and injure myself again) soon.

      1. The worst part – to me anyway – is when you’ve struggled to get into a dress, find out that it is sooo not for you…and then have to practically remove your clavicle to get out of it!

    2. “Final question, who thought to put a zipper in such a manner that you practically have to be a contortionist to zip up on your own?”

      Ugh, I hate that! Does anyone have a method, product, etc. to help you zip dresses when the zipper stops or gets stuck in the middle of your back, and there’s no one there to help you? I get dressed after my husband leaves for work, and there are dresses I don’t wear because I can’t get the zipper up all the way without help.

      1. Here you go: partly unbend one loop of a paperclip and thread a long piece of string through the center. Double the string so you can hold both ends with the paperclip in the center. You now have a fish-hook on a fishing line. Put the hook through the little hole in the zipper pull and toss the string over your shoulder. Pull the string (hold both ends) and when the zipper gets to the top it’s easy to unhook it without having to see what you’re doing. Easy

    3. LOVE the herringbone one. Just the right cut and fabric to be flattering. Got like 15 compliments on it yesterday.

      Sometimes I feel like a walking Target ad, but some of their stuff is amazing.

    4. Thanks for the report! I just went to see the herringbone and it’s sold out online. Sad. Oh well.

    5. I tried the herringbone and the purple one on in store and had the same reaction: the herringbone fits and looks great, but the purple didn’t stretch and looked strange. I really wanted to like it, but something was just off about it. Looking forward to wearing the herringbone next week. I also got a button-front shirt that didn’t fit, which I’m going to exchange for the wedges everyone is recommending.

    6. i also agree on the purple / herringbone absurd fabric difference. because i tried them on in store, i actually found that two dresses of the same size fit a little differently, so consider that if you are in store.

      1. I have & love both, but they are different– the purple is a lovely thick sort of winding of ribbon– as if its a modern, slightly stretchy taffeta, but in strips. It reads more cocktail to me than day– I wore it to a wedding last Saturday! The shoulders also come up of the body a bit, almost the suggestions of off-the-shoulder, but higher up in altitude, not dropping down the arm. Lovely vis clavicle, collarbone. The herringbone is primo workwear, much softer and stretchier– looks like a woven tweedy suiting material, feels like a comfy knit. The shoulder lie flat as midway between wide straps on a sleeveless top and slight capsleeves/shoulder–covers… like Roland Mouret/Victoria Beckham, after which vogue I think the pattern was patterned. :) Both winners, but different.

    7. thank you so much for the review! I could really use a new dress, but I desperately need stretch

    8. I was surprised to find the herringbone sheath at my local target (usually they are out of everything that isn’t size 2 or 16…) and love it! I went up a size, because my normal size zipped but was a bit too Joan on Mad Men for my taste and body type.

      They had the purple, but I didn’t bother trying it on, the color and fabric were very pretty, but it didn’t seem quite right for work and felt stiff.

      I would really appreciate any suggestions for a cardigan or something else to provide a bit of warmth. Since the neckline has the pleating/detail, I wonder what would sit well on top. Any ideas?

    9. I’m amazed that my experience was so different from that of everyone else. I normally don’t shop at Target for dresses but was inspired by your post. I am an hourglass between a 14 and 16 in BR (depends on the cut) and 5’8. I tried on all three in store. The herringbone in a 14 looked painted on and in a 16 looked like a giant shapeless sack. However, the purple and black (cotton-y feel) ones were PERFECT in a 16. I mean absolutely no need to wear spanx yet still showing my waist and curves. I couldn’t have asked for a better fit. I can’t believe both were only $30–they seriously look and feel much nicer than some of the BR dresses I’ve tried lately. The neckline is wonderful, too. High but without being too prim. Works perfect with some of my bigger statement necklaces. I honestly can see these being basic go-tos in my closet for years since they’ll be so easy to dress up or down. I’m officially a Target convert!

  2. I have a couple coupon codes to share. Both are multi-use so everyone feel free!

    Lands End Friends and Family – 25% off and free shipping this weekend only
    Enter code LEFF and pin 1290

    Talbots 20% Off and $5 shipping through October 11
    enter code 029875555

    1. Thank you!!! I’ve been holding a navy suit in my Talbots cart forever, but I wanted a discount and free (or close) shipping.

    2. A couple more:

      Ann Taylor 20% off through Oct 24 – Code 108026971
      Ann Taylor 30% off any single full-price item – Code 108026901
      (Those may be single-use, I’m not sure).

      Lands End Free Shipping and $10 off any sweater through Oct 4 – Code FEELGOOD and pin 7201
      (This one can only be used by two people so please post if you’ve used it.)

  3. Just a rant- I was looking for suits for DH today, and the Hugo Boss website has about 30 nice mens suits, and 0 women’s suits. Why!? They have some separates, like blazers, that don’t even have coordinating bottoms at all. Not looking for any sort of answer here, just needed to vent. It is not fair that guys can get a great quality fashionable suit for $700ish, but there doesn’t seem to be a women’s equivalent – Elie Tahari, Michael Kors and Theory frequently are made of polyester, boo. Sigh. End rant.

    1. Here here! My bf has several gorgeous Hugo Boss suits and I have never been able to find a good Hugo Boss women’s suit. Boo!

    2. Agreed. It seems much harder to find classic, well-tailored, quality women’s suits than the men’s equivalent. Nearly every suit I have I feel like I was lucky to find in some way. Perfect example is a Boss suit that I ended up buying on Gilt for $400 – love it, but those situations are so few and far between!

    3. Second. I love Hugo Boss, especially the trousers, but they just seem to be missing in action this year. I hope they come back.

  4. Does anyone have any suggestions for places to buy work appropriate jewelry? Think J Crew-esque faux pearl or beaded necklaces without the J Crew price. I’d like to pay no more than $20 for necklaces. Thanks!

    1. I just did a great jewelry-shopping binge at Filene’s Basement, if you have that in your area. Nordstrom Rack, TJ Maxx, Ross, and similar stores usually have a good jewelry selection like what you’re mentioning.

      1. I would also suggest Macys, as they have numerous coupons all of the time and a range from classic to trendy pieces. If you have a “charming charlie” in your area (discounter) you might try them, although their target audience is young. Finally, what about the factory stores of BR and AT?

        There are also places like Edwin Pearl (?) which carry decent faux items, especially if on sale. I just saw a new private vendor which is a competitor in our local mall, so you may have to look around – especially with the “holiday” season approaching, this happens. We also had some push cart looking permanent vendors with “venetian glass” pendants for $5 each – no kidding – have given as gifts to corporate gals before and gotten good reviews…either on the ribbon or leather neckpieces they also sell or on the person’s own chains.

        For those who liked the “abacus” necklace in a NYT link on unconventional jewelry a while bag. I finally bit and bought it on line. Returned it to b&m J Crew yesterday. It was large, long, but also big in size of the pieces. Probably best on a tall willowly gal. While the faux pearls were of adequate quality, I was very disappointed in the quality of the metal work. YMMV of course.

      1. I’m browsing etsy, but there are just so many different sellers that it’s hard to search through the thousands of options. Does anyone have any recommendations for specific sellers?

      2. This came up in another thread recently – red necklace with a sapphire for a lot of money, so a lot of corporettes commented on cheaper versions. I did some (too much) perusing on etsy and haven’t bought anything yet, but these are the artists I liked:

        Gosia
        ThePerfectStrand
        RCappuchino123
        RedChair
        EnchanteeJewels
        JewelryByKristi
        JewelryByLeahKathryn
        VeraidaGifts
        ori12
        JewelryOD
        vcabbyv
        jyleedesigns
        danaleblancdesigns
        surfandsand
        danielmjewelry
        EarthRitesBags
        visionsofromance

    3. EBay has lots of jewelry on auction or buy-it-now basis, offering a variety of search criteria. Don’t overlook hand-made items – I just found the perfect multi-strand pearl, amethyst, crystal necklace for $14.95 from a handcrafter with elegant taste.

    5. Also worth checking out antique stores. Some of my favorite necklaces have been vintage. There is usually a wide range of prices and styles (usually better quality of materials for the price than mall stuff) . It’s nice, too, knowing there won’t be five other people at work wearing the same thing (although I certainly like BR and AT, too!). Etsy lets you search by vintage as well.

    7. I thought I posted this but it hasn’t shown up since my morning coffee break. I’ve had some really good luck with that kind of jewelry (long wearing luck) at Express. I don’t buy anything else from there, but they have some killer bracelets and necklaces sometimes.

    8. Teen departments of Nordstrom, Macy’s, etc., often have cute jewelry at lower prices.

    9. Check out anthropologie in store — they frequently have items on sale. Online, the selection is more limited.

      1. A hundred times yes. I buy virtually all of my jewelry on sale from Anthro and rarely pay more than $20 for a piece. Always gorgeous in a vintage sort of way and holds up great, so long as you stay away from the more “trendy” pieces.

    1. I think we’re talking about the same thing. Looked so small and delicate on the blank mannequin in the photo. Humbug!

  6. Just a rant. I went to a social event/HH for “young members and their guests” at one of the dining clubs in town last night. Granted, this was a social event, but, to me, even those should be used for networking and people should dress in at least business casual attire. I could not believe some of the things some of these people wore! (Presumably they were coming from work, as well, as the event began at 5:30.) I saw hemlines shorter than I would even wear in public. There was a 20-something woman there in skinny black jeans. On the flip side, there was a 20-something man in khaki cargo shorts and a polo. (I’m guessing he changed post work, but still!) I immediately thought of Corporette upon seeing these young women and have been anticipating the open thread all day!

    1. I actually don’t see anything wrong with black skinny jeans for a dining club happy hour. To me a dining club has nothing to do with business, and I would use that purely as a social event. The idea to treat all experiences as a networking event is good advice for some, but would be exhausting for me.

      1. Without giving too much about my identity and where I was away, events typically held at this place are business events even thought it would technically qualify as a dining club. Also, I didn’t know that girl, but based on what people I know who know her said, she was coming straight from work.

      2. I agree. If I am attending a social event, then I’m going to look at it as being purely social. I don’t want to network or be networked every time I step out of my home. Sometimes I just want to live life and enjoy meeting and socializing with new/other people just for the sake of enjoying their company.

      3. Odd that the fact that I said this was a networking event led you to the conclusion that I’m advocating treating all experiences as networking events. Where did you get that from?

        1. Well, you started off with “I went to a social event” and then emphasized again, “Granted, this was a social event” followed by “but, to me, even those should be used for networking.” I don’t know what HH is. Maybe that’s the missing piece of the puzzle?

          2. Wow, like I said, I did not explain it properly. No need to be rude about it!

            I had almost forgotten how rude some of the people here can be sometimes. Sigh.

          3. I sincerely apologize if you found that offensive and/or rude. If this was IRL I don’t think you would have taken it that way. But anyhow, I think I will go back to lurking and just let the rest of you all do the posting. I really enjoy this blog and reading everyone’s opinions!

          5. I don’t think rocknroll was being rude at all – just explaining to you why everyone was “misinterpreting” your post.

          6. @rocknroll, I didn’t read your comment as rude at all.

            @Anonymous today, you sound like you might feel a bit frustrated that folks are misinterpreting your post? Please don’t take it personally; it is often so hard to judge context in a purely text medium.

          7. rocknroll – I thought your comment was on target . You did not seem rude to me in the least. Don’t just lurk, comment when you want to and let the criticism (rock and) roll right off your back. ;)

          8. Rocknroll was not rude at all. Anonymous Today overreacted.

            This happens often on this site. People form judgmental opinions about how others dress and “rant” about it in the comments on this blog. Others then reply disagreeing with them and pointing out why. Then the OP, unable to tolerate disagreement with her position and wanting to have the last word, retorts that she was misunderstood and accuses the replier of being “rude.” IT IS NOT RUDE TO MERELY DISAGREE. If you are going to post a judgmental opinion here, you should understand that others may disagree with you and say so in response.

            Go ahead now, Anonymous Today, tell me how rude I am.

        2. I think from you saying that it was a social event at a dining club, but that you think that even those should be treated as networking events. I get the feeling that the organization sponsoring the event is a networky one, so that makes more sense that it would be a networking social event. Personally, I avoid those things like the plague.

          1. So because I said this one event should be used for networking, that means I’m saying every event should be used for networking? That’s a huge logical leap if I’ve ever seen one!

          2. @Anon — we get what you’re saying now, but I think the confusion is from the following sentence: “Granted, this was a social event, but, to me, even those [i.e., social events generally — the intro did not refer to your specific happy hour] should be used for networking and people should dress in at least business casual attire.”

            If this was the type of event where the mindset of the typical attendee is on mingling with a purpose, then I agree — jeans (black or not) or cargo shorts are probably not the best attire.

          3. Rocknroll I don’t think you came off as rude. @Anon, I think you might be a little touchy because you can’t sense tone over the internet. You said the sentence that it was a social event, but that “even those should be used for networking.” That is using the plural, I think it is completely logical for me to make the step that you think social events should be used for networking. I was trying to be very respectful and even added that this is good advice for some people (perhaps those new to an area, new to a career, looking for a job, or just looking to expand their professional contacts) I was just sharing that the girl might not treat it as a networking event, because your description of it being a social event/HH is something I would not treat as a networking event. I understand what you mean now, that this one happy hour should be used for networking.

    2. If it was marketed as a happy hour people probably treated it more casually. I usually change before heading out to an HH, because my work clothes aren’t that comfortable. Also, if it was for professionals from different sectors, it makes sense that there was variation in dress. The guy in khaki shorts could work in IT or engineering and get to wear whatever he wants to work every day.

      1. Whether networking event/HH combo, job fair, professional development event or interview, lots of folks out there wear lots of “interesting” if not questionable things for the venue involved. I see club wear (minis and cleavage) at the gov agency HQs bldg when there for meetings, which doesn’t scream “credibility” on the job.

      2. Agree – what is “professional” to you is not going to be “professional” to everyone (heck, even in my own company I see a wide variety that ranges from full on suits to velour track suits)

        And if it’s a happy hour then I would be likely to stop home and change unless it was specifically marketed as a “networking event” …which I would probably avoid altogether since I’m no longer 22 and trying to get my first job, and find them painful!

  7. Anyone have suggestions for good places online to buy fairly inexpensive summer clothing this time of year? I am heading off somewhere tropical and don’t have enough shorts/cap tees. I checked gap and old navy online but their summer clearance pickings are so slim at this point I’m not finding anything in my size (a fairly standard size). Oh, and I like bermuda-length shorts, if anyone has good suggestions for those.

    Thanks!

    1. I am interested in this topic, too. I am MOVING somewhere tropical soon and am trying to stock up. Clothing where I am moving is quite expensive.

      1. Second. The Talbots online outlet will have summer stuff in it until almost December, if not longer.

    4. Anthropologie has a bunch of capris in their sale section. Just a few styles of shorts left, I think.

    5. In my experience, it’s much easier (and cheaper) to get out of season clothes in-store. Old Navy in-store is overflowing with summer stuff.

    6. Yesterday, I saw lots of tshirts and tanks (in modal or pima cottom) at both talbots and AT b&m stores. No shorts though. All slacks appeared to be me to be lightweight enough in tropical Texas, despite being lined at AT.

    7. I was going to suggest Stein Mart, because last week they had tons of basic, casual summer clothes on their racks, but I see now that you want online stores. SM doesn’t have an online store, oddly enough.

      Maybe that’s because their target market is 90 year old ladies :-)

      However, as I said, they have good basics like shorts and t-shirts. I found the perfect pair of khaki shorts there recently: long enough to cover what I want covered, short enough to be stylish, thick enough for no panty show-through, and less than $20. Who cares if most of the rest of their stuff is more suited for bingo parlors?

  8. Anyone in corporette world have experience with and/or advice for the situation where you are promoted first out of a group of friends. ex. group of associates that started together and one gets promoted to partner first.

    1. Oh boy. Been there (though not your particular example, analogous). It’s a great problem to have, but it really is a problem. Here are some of the things I found, for what it’s worth:

      –I’d be very insulted when people said anything to minimize my achievements or make it sound like somehow I had gotten to X by an easier route than they would have to (those who had not yet reached X). However, with the respectful and supportive people who did NOT do that, I found that I started doing the qualifying and caveat-ing myself, to ease the tension of the conversation. In other words, “playing it down” works to ease a situation with someone who is being respectful, but it’s offensive when someone else does it for you. (I eventually started calling people out on it with subtle jokes, which for someone you’re not close to is sometimes the only option if ignoring fails.) You should never have to minimize your own achievements, but sometimes, for me, it was simply means to an end: harmony with colleagues.

      –In your own head, try not to micro-analyze why you made it first. On one side of that lies arrogance and an attitude of superiority to those around you, and on the other side lies dismissing your own achievement. Just try to acknowledge it and be proud without comparing yourself too much to others.

      –Emphasize the new opportunity as a challenge rather than a triumph. You made it, and that’s fantastic, but also (I assume) it means new challenges. Be open about it if you’re anxious or nervous: it reassures people that you’re still human and have not lost your humility.

      –Only give advice when asked. It might be natural to start giving tips to your colleagues as to what they might do to achieve X, but unless they’ve explicitly asked for your insight it could easily come across patronizing.

      Congratulations, and I hope you have plenty of other people in your life for whom this is not a loaded conversation. Those are the people you can toast with, forgetting all of the above and just being happy.

      3. Agree but I wouldn’t emphasize the challenge aspect of it too much. I have a colleague who when congratulated on being promoted, always says “Oh, it’s hardly a promotion. The pay hike isn’t even that much. Plus, now I have to work extra-hard since there are so many more challenges at THIS level. And I will need to prove myself even more.”
        This comes off as condescending and annoying. Better to graciously accept the compliment, rather than keep emphasizing how hard it is for you now.

        1. This is so true – just say ‘thanks’ and let it go — unless you now are one of your friends’ boss…in which case you have a whole other un-enviable set of issues

    2. If we’re talking friend friends and not work-only colleague friends, I’ve found it best to just behave as if it WASN’T an issue. Tiptoing around it around friends just makes it weirder.

    1. Breathe. Don’t listen to the people who say things like, “My comment is going to sweep the Nobel Prizes when it gets published in every journal on the planet!” Manage your time really well, sleep, exercise, eat property, and everything will be fine. :-) Good luck!!

    2. Find out a random topic your school gives prizes in (at my school it was admiralty/maritime) and write your note on a topic in that field. You’ll be the only one, and you’ll get money. :)

    3. Fellow note-writing 2L here! I’m not sure how your school structures it, but we only get one credit (pass/fail) per semester of law review. So that covers both Bluebooking — ugh — AND the note. I’m also on moot court, have four other classes, and am trying to preserve what little sanity I have left. Best advice I got? Just get it written and don’t worry about getting published. If it happens, great. If it doesn’t, oh well. Sleep and good grades in your other classes are more important in the long run. Or so I’ve heard.

    4. If you’re working with a faculty advisor, make sure you set a firm timeline well in advance, and stick to your deadlines. I’ve seen many a note get sidetracked because the faculty member didn’t have time to review it when the student needed it reviewed. Of course some faculty members are just going to be slow no matter what, but by having a firm timeline and sticking to your own deadlines, the advisor is more likely to be able to stick to hers. Also, communicate with your advisor at least once every week or two, just to update her on the status of your note. Good luck! It’s rare to have the opportunity as a lawyer to dive into a subject you’re interested in and write whatever you want, so try to enjoy it.

    5. For those of us not in the legal profession, can you please explain what the Note is, and why it is significant? I’m honestly curious. Thanks!

      2. It’s a law student’s first chance to write a scholarly article and maybe get it published. If you get published, it will live on your resume for all eternity, so it’s kind of a big deal. :-)

      3. What they said, also, its generally required for those who are members of their school’s Law Review or other journal.

    6. Good Luck!

      If, for some reason, your note isn’t chosen to get published in your journal, shop that puppy around. I wasn’t even on a journal (tried my hand at Moot Court instead) and got my note published by another school’s journal during spring of my 3rd year. 2 years later, and it’s already been cited twice.

      1. YoungJD, you reminded me of a story. It doesn’t have a lot to do with Notes, but as a law student I find the story inspiring and it helps me deal with the hyper-competitive environment of law, and also helps me deal with professional rejection. SO: there’s a very famous, widely cited economics article called The Market for Lemons (basically about asymmetry of information in the marketplace for used cars). It was published in the 70’s, I think. The author was rejected by at least 3 leading econ journals who called the work trivial or derided the methodology. Eventually someone published it and today it is one of the most widely cited and recognized articles on that topic.

    7. When I did mine (we called ours “comments” and I think they were a bit longer than the typical “note,” although shorter than an article) we were required to do a detailed outline first.

      It created a lot of stress because I was trying to meet the deadline for the outline as I was doing OCI and callbacks. But having it made the writing of the comment itself much less overwhelming – I could just think “OK, today I’m going to write a few paragraphs to flesh out item __ of my outline.”

      Also, agree with the other posters – just focus on getting it written and don’t stress about whether it’s perfect or publishable. Once it’s written, it’s easy to tinker (or you can decide it’ s not worth worrying about taking it to the next level).

      I got mine published but it had nothing to do with the area of law I ultimately chose, no one seems to care about it, and overall except as an experience of writing something I’m not sure it actually did anything good for my career – so it’s really not worth stressing about.

  10. I have this Gap tee in two colors. I like it. It’s a good staple for bumming around on the weekends, but it’s very thin and not fabulous quality. I bought a very similar tee from Gap last spring, and it was a nice, soft dreamy cotton. This is a thin polyester. Like I said, good for weekend grocery shopping, but not quality enough for the office for me. I see this drop in quality all around though, so I can’t even be that upset at the Gap.

    1. I was quite disappointed in my most recent Gap T-shirt purchase (a short sleeve version of this). The ones I bought years ago are still going strong, but this year’s T-shirt is so thin it is basically see-through, so I rarely wear it out of the house.

      1. For a nice, thick long-sleeve tee in tons of colors, try JCPenney’s house brand, St. Johns Bay. The neckline is nicely finished and overall the quality is great for such a basic item.

      2. I hear you about Gap. The prices aren’t going down and the quality is definitely going down. Unfortunately, it’s just not Gap. My sister and I were just talking about some t-shirts we bought at Loft this summer, and how they will only last one season because the cotton is so thin. I bought a bunch of long-sleeved t-shirts at LLBean last year, and love them. The cotton has a nice weight to it. They Wash up really well. I wear the 3/4 length sleeve because I always find myself pushing up the long sleeve ones. I will be buying a few more this season.

  11. I will be attending a conference that is hosted by a private company. The conference is for Ph.D. scientists to learn more about the company, learn about how to effectively network, but also to interview for positions within the company.
    Two questions:
    (i) There is an “informal” dinner the first night we arrive. The details are limited and at the risk of sounding to “feminine” I didn’t inquire about the dress code. I also do not know who will be there. Should I suit up? Or because it is “informal” could I wear, say a blouse or button down with a conservative skirt?
    (ii) I intend on wearing a suit every day for the conference. Do you this this is the right strategy? (and should I wear nylons everyday?)

    Thank you– for feedback is invaluable!

    1. I would go with something business casual at the dinner-a skirt and blouse should be good. I would take a cardigan or jacket with me, but not necessarily a matching suit. (Partially because it will make the look slightly more formal and partially because the temperature always seems so out of whack at those sorts of events.)

      I think your plan to wear a suit every day is good, particularly because you will be interviewing. As far as nylons, I think it depends on the city and the weather.

    2. You can’t go wrong with a suit for every day. For the “informal” dinner I’d dress down, business casual. Honestly, though, if it’s a conference for PhD scientists, I doubt anyone’s going to worry about the dress code very much. There’ll probably be a lot of variation in what people are wearing.

    3. I’m a fairly senior manager in a pharmaceutical company (i.e., I manage PhD scientists), and I don’t think that your plans are out of line at all if your event is at somewhere like my workplace. Nice shirt with a conservative skirt or nice pants should be fine for the dinner. I agree on bringing a cardigan or something similar with you. A suit is probably a little overkill for the conference, but it won’t hurt you to wear it. If you’ll feel more comfortable because you think you’re projecting a more professional appearance, then by all means do it. If I were attending the event in my own capacity, I personally wouldn’t have a probably with nice business casual though.

      Speaking from personal experience, most scientists are pretty clueless about appropriate dressing, so if you’re reading this site you’re ahead of the game. FYI, it’s quite common for people at my workplace to show up wearing jeans, capris, t-shirts, etc., and no one thinks anything of it. (I did have someone show up to interview in a flannel shirt once, but that’s a different story!)

      There are some larger pharma cos. that definitely skew more to the business casual side of things than we do, and if the open positions are more on the service side – contract lab, technical field rep, sales, etc. -then I still think your plans are fine but your overall professional demeanor will be more critically evaluated since you’d most likely be expected to interact with customers.

      Good luck!

    4. Is it a company where they are looking to hire scientists for technical positions? Or for a career transition to a more business-oriented or finance type position? I would say that makes a huge difference.

      If the positions are technical, I would shoot for career separates (definitely a blazer, though) during the conference. And perhaps something like slacks and a sweater (or a button down) for the dinner. In general, I’d avoid skirts unless that’s just really who you are. And suits are probably not necessary, and may even look a little out of place. Unless of course, there is some sort of event or more formal interview scheduled for one of the days. In that case, a suit, even a skirt suit, would be fine. (BTW, I am writing this as a PhD scientist in a very technical field with almost no women, but I’ve always been very feminine compared to pretty much any woman I’ve ever encountered in my field. I’m not currently working in a technical position, but I know that when I was there were women who felt uncomfortable wearing a skirt. I wore one almost everyday, and I’d have felt uncomfortable otherwise…but that’s just me and how much I was willing to compromise myself for my career.)

      If the positions are more business or finance oriented, then definitely business casual for the dinner. Probably a skirt with two layers on top, either a button down + cardigan or a blazer. The two layers would just demonstrate a little bit more sense of the formalism of the atmosphere you’re moving to. And then suits for the rest. Probably pant suits for most days and a skirt suit on the day of any interviews, but those distinctions are also probably not as important if everyone interviewing is a scientist.

      1. Oh, I should edit the above to add that even if there aren’t formal interviews, if there is some sort of reception or something where you’ll be meeting higher up management, then dress more formally (suit) for that in either case.

  12. I have to go to a wedding of a friend in a couple weeks, and I haven’t been to a wedding in ages. It’s a late afternoon/evening wedding with a sit down dinner, but the bride and groom are pretty low key people. There are no attendants. My husband is an “usher” and has been asked to wear a black suit and white shirt, with tie to be provided. I really, really, really don’t want to wear a dress. So, the outfit I’m considering is dressy wide-legged ivory pants (they have kind of a sheen to them–definitely evening wear only), a black cotton sateen Ralph Lauren wrap top with lantern sleeves, and strappy black heels.

    Is this outfit appropriate?

    4. That sounds lovely and elegant to me. I’m always impressed when women can wear pants to a dressy event and pull it off, especially if said pants are white (or white-adjacent, like ivory). I don’t think I have the body (height, propotion, etc) to pull something like that off but if you can work it, I say go for it!

      Maybe dress it up with some jewelry, a nice mani/pedi, and a trendy/classy clutch?

      1. M, I wouldn’t think I had the body for it either, but somehow these ivory pants are the most flattering pants I have ever owned in my life. It’s all about the cut. I bought them on deep discount from Talbots like 4 years ago. They are like a shimmery golden ivory. Love my pants!

        I was planning on the mani/pedi, cute jewelry, and fabulous clutch! Great Corporettes think alike. :)

        1. RR, your outfit discussion is making me *really* crave a pair of shimmery golden ivory pants.

          1. Me, too! I’m going on a cruise in November, and that would make a great “formal night” outfit. Flattering without freezing my buns off in the air conditioning.

  13. Me, too! I’m going on a cruise in November, and that would make a great “formal night” outfit. Flattering without freezing my buns off in the air conditioning.

    1. Probably cuz the machines and equipment aren’t washed out properly/often enough. At home, I’d run a solution of vinegar and water through my coffe maker to clean out it, followed by 2 or 3 pots of plain water. I can’t see people at work caring enough to do that with shared equipment.

    2. my firm employs a barista and we have the most delicious coffee I’ve ever tasted. It’s what gets me to work in the mornings

    3. I have no idea but I agree with you. It tastes like the stuff from the gas station. Always, despite location.

      My guess would say it probably is because they order the coffee from the same catalog the office supplies come from. Cheap, nasty and dried out coffee sitting in a warehouse with the post it notes. yuck.

    4. Do you still make coffee by the pot? We’ve had K-cups in our office for years. No bad coffee.

    5. Well – make it your mission to fix it :) I’m sure there are others who agree with you.

  14. Can anyone give me advice on how to handle my cleaning lady? I am just absolutely terrible about communicating what I want her to do, and what I am not happy about. I did once ask, in a passive aggressive way, if she could focus on vacuuming under the furniture (after finding enough dog fur under my dresser to make a new puppy). That is about it.

    Recently, I realized that a shopping bag disappeared from my house – it still had a pair of brand new, in-the-box, not-at-all-inexpensive shoes inside. I am so incredibly livid. She is trustworthy, came with great references, has been working for me for a couple of years and has a key to my house. She can just be careless (has broken things now and then), so I think the bag must have been accidentally tossed in the trash. How on earth do I broach this with her without it turning into a trainwreck? Obviously she has no clue that she did this (but it really couldn’t have been anyone else).

    1. Sigh. The best way to ever handle any household help is to be firm but courteous. Some people just don’t know how to handle it.
      If the cleaning lady is a regular-
      I would chat up my cleaning lady from time to time and make some nice gestures once in a while. Make a nice cup of capuccino for both of you if she likes it. Then chat over that for 5 minutes. Ask about her family. Remember her kids names. Maybe get her or her kids a small christmas/birthday gift.
      This is all long term and ongoing.

      Make sure you point out the dirt under the sofa. Firmly tell her that you expect her to make sure it is cleaned regularly. ASk her if she threw out the shopping bag. Mention that it contained new shoes. Ask her to be careful about throwing stuff. I doubt you can do anything about the shoes now.

      The trick is to be firm about your needs without being a jerk. Never be passive aggressive. A few genuine kind words, empathy and genuine interest goes a long way.

    2. I had a sort of similar issue with my cleaning lady lately, though fortunately it didn’t really cost me much. Basically, I have a few products that I use in the shower that are expensive, and I don’t use very much each time, so when there is a little left in the bottle, it looks like it is basically ready to throw out, when in reality there is a few days to 3 weeks worth of product left. She threw them out. Since I hardly ever see her (she comes while I am at work), I left a note that basically said, “hey, I know you were just trying to help, but please don’t throw out nearly empty bottles in the bathroom.” I am also horrible w/confrontation, so for me, a note was easier than calling.

      I would ask her about the bag before jumping to conclusions. Is it at all possible that it was in her way, and she moved it to somewhere that seemed logical to her, but isn’t someplace that you would naturally look?
      (In my case, I knew that she had thrown them out because I found them in the trash, but in your case it sounds like maybe you live in an apartment and they went down the trash chute or something?)

      The vaccuming under stuff …she may just need reminding. She probably cleans a bunch of different places and may have trouble keeping straight what is important to each person. It might help to make a list of a few things that she should focus on every time, and leave it somewhere where she can refer to it easily when she is at your house.

    3. If she doesn’t clean thoroughly and she is careless, it doesn’t sound like she’s good at her job at all. I’d sit down with her and let her know that her cleaning hasn’t been up to par. Give her a list of areas that she needs to focus on cleaning better. Tell her that repeated accidents are unacceptable and she needs to be more cautious. Tell her about the missing shoes. Let her know you’re not accusing her of any deliberate misconduct, but that this is her last warning and if she breaks or loses something again you’ll let her go.

      1. Also, I know that it can feel kind of weird to have household help, but think of her as an employee no different from your subordinates at the office. She has job duties and she needs to do them properly. Assuming you’re paying her a fair wage, there’s nothing wrong with being polite but firm about how you want her to do her job.

      2. Anon, if she breaks something you’ll let her go? That’s awfully harsh. I’d hate to think I’d be fired (from a REALLY hard job that pays near nothing) because of a simple mistake. And being told to be more cautious is going to prevent that?!?

        We have a lovely woman come to our house once a week. She does an amazing job. But if I left something in a bag that looked like trash and it got thrown out, then that should be on MY shoulders. She shouldn’t have to guess. The note on bottles being empty was good. Other people might have been equally angry had she left them thinking that was “clutter” that should have been tossed.

        I’m sorry, but telling someone to be “more cautious” or that “repeated accidents are unacceptable” isn’t going to make them a mindreader or never spill, break, or have any other sort of accident again. (It’s just going to make you enjoy the moment of having power over someone else, if you ask me.)

        Also, be aware that notes can be difficult if the person isn’t a natural English speaker.

        I love our housekeeper. I think part of what has worked so well is that we both have reasonable expectations of the arrangement. (FWIW, I haven’t had anything tossed. Although there are times where we find our strainer in weird cabinets and what not.) A little patience and some communication can go a long way in making the relationship succeed.

        1. If she broke things repeatedly then yes, I’d let her go. The OP said that she is “careless.” I wouldn’t want a careless person cleaning my house.

          1. Understood and agreed. But if OP had never really brought it up to her before that she was disappointed, I don’t think it’s fair to say “last warning”–that sounds way harsh and would be coming out of nowhere. If there aren’t standards set from the beginning, it’s not fair to be annoyed until after the standards are clearly communicated. I think OP has reasonable expectations and hopefully her housekeeper will rise to meet them, now that she knows what they are.

          2. @Anon – that’s a good point. I think the OP’s first mistake was being rather passive aggressive about the whole thing.

    4. Buoyed by your helpful comments, I just called her. The conversation was uncomfortable but went okay, not the trainwreck I was afraid of. She feels terrible, of course, and doesn’t remember the shopping bag at all. I’m sure it just got mixed in with the trash (though, to the comment above, it was a brand new shopping bag with an unopened shoebox inside – didn’t look like trash). Oh well, what can you do. I am going to rebuy the boots and act like it never happened, rather than be annoyed every time I get dressed this fall/winter and don’t have them to put on.

      I think I’m a reasonable person to work for. She’s broken 3 or 4 wine glasses, a souvenir from NZ and a small sculpture. She always offers to pay for it (as if I’d make her do that). Accidents happen, I get that, though after the 3rd or 4th glass I asked her to slow down a tad with the crystal and I’d be happy to pay her for an extra half hour if she thought it necessary (she didn’t).

      FWIW, I’m never home when she’s there, so really no opportunity to chat over a nice cup of cappuccino (nor do I have a cappuccino maker, though that does sound lovely). Also, I think she would look at me like I was insane if I asked her to stop cleaning and sit down to chat. She wants to do her work and move on to the next house!

      Anyway. Thanks for the comments. I like the list idea, maybe I will start doing that, or at least a “could you please focus on X today” kind of thing.

      1. Mine is pretty good. In the course of four years we’ve had a couple of broken things (both were situations where something had been perched precariously and it was not her fault at all) and once where something got thrown out that shouldn’t have (a bunch of receipts I should have put in an envelope instead of in a shopping bag that looked like trash).

        I can say from experience it’s a lot harder to find a decent housekeeper than it is to work with the one you have on issues. If I have an issue, I usually call right when I get home. A few weeks ago I came home and the house smelled funny – it turns out we had run out of regular cleaning solution and she had used this funky organic stuff my mom had given me that seriously smelled like gym socks. I told her, next time we run out of cleaning solution, use soap and water and let me know and I’ll get more – don’t use the socks stuff again! She apologized and said the smell didn’t get really intense until she had done the whole house, at which point it was too late, which I understood. I also had a problem for awhile with her not wiping down the kitchen cabinets, which get little-kid and dirty-husband handprints all over them, so I had to leave her a note about that.

        My experience is that a good housekeeper wants you to be happy with her work, and wants to know if something’s wrong. I had a conversation with mine one time when she said the hardest thing is when she is asked not to come back and she doesn’t know why, because if she knew what was wrong, she could fix it. So just maintain open communication, be flexible but firm on things that matter to you (for example, I could care less about her scrubbing the walls of the showers but I need the kitchen floor to be microscopically clean, so if she gets short on time, she knows to head for the kitchen and not the bathrooms). Ask her how she wants to be communicated with – is it OK if you leave her to-do lists every week? Mine is fine with it.

        In the end, if she doesn’t respond to your concerns, I would look for someone new. But I’d think long and hard before doing that. It took me three years to find my housekeeper and I went through a lot of bad ones before we found her, including one who stole. Reliable housekeepers are worth their weight in gold. Good luck.

      2. jcb–I totally leave the “could you please focus on X today” note. It’s always a relief to have X finished when I get home. The breaking and throwing away is so annoying–the throwing away more than the breaking, actually–but I wouldn’t let her go over it, either.

    5. The single downside to having a cleaning lady come is that if you don’t put away your stuff first, she’ll put it away for you — and “away” may mean “never to be found again”…

      Do you see her when she comes or does she have a key? I leave mine a note when she comes w/ any special instructions (ironing, the time I bought a ceiling duster, etc.), and that does the trick. But if you’re already putting away anything out on tables, etc., then you may want to re-think your choice and hire someone else. Good luck!

    6. My cleaning lady and I have an agreement – anything that I want thrown away (boxes and bags of stuff) goes in a specific area on the kitchen floor. She throws away that stuff, and any other totally obvious trash in the kitchen (vegetable trimmings, empty cans, packaging detritus) but otherwise does not throw things away. It seems to work well.

      I wish that she would do a better job of cleaning the floors, but rather than complaining I told her that a specific area where I do my workouts needs to be clean. That got me 80% of what I wanted without expecting her to spend a lot of extra time.

      I generally take a few minutes before she comes to make sure that anything that might be confusing for her or that I wouldn’t want her to “straighten” (i.e. put in a pile or drawer where I may not be able to find it) is put somewhere logical to me or has a big note on it that says “DO NOT MOVE”.

      It isn’t perfect, but it works pretty well. I agree with other posters that it’s worth working with your cleaning lady on things like cleaning under the sofa, but given the number of things yours has broken, you might want to consider getting someone else. Honest is good, but so is still having your stuff!

  15. DSW is have a 30% off whatever else sale… posted this in the other thread but just wanted to share…

    I ended up getting a pair of Cole Haan Nike pumps marked 80% off + the addl 30% off and ended up only paying $17 for them. :-D

  16. Question on student loans. I have federal and private from law school and one smaller loan from undergrad. My law school interest rates are pretty high. I can afford my payments ok but I know I’ll be paying these for a long time and would like to lessen the amount of extra money I throw away. Is there any legitimate way to consolidate student loans for a lower interest rate? Also is there any way to consolidate federal and private loans so it is all just one payment? Everything I look at just takes a weighted average of the interest rate when you took out your loan. I would think there would be some option analogous to refinancing a house. Any thoughts?

    1. It’s been forever ago that my husband and I did this, but we each (separately-never consolidate with another person) consolidated our loans into one big loan at roughly 2% (this was 2001 and interest rates were insanely low). It was like a 20 year consolidation, but no penalty for early repayment. There were offers everywhere when I did it. I can’t imagine it’s not the same now? Mine were with Sallie Mae.

      1. Nope, most consolidation that’s available now is variable-rate and pretty high. I was in the last class of people who could consolidate in-school (2008 grad), and was able to consolidate my 1L loans at 4% at the beginning of 2L year. But I couldn’t consolidate my 2L or 3L loans while in school, and now there aren’t really good options out there for consolidation. FYI, this was only my government loans–our student loan office advised against consolidating private loans because you could usually only do it with private lenders who weren’t a part of the government-sanctioned student lending market, and as a result you’d lose the protections built into that program.

    2. I also consolidated my sub/unsub Stafford and Perkins in 2008 (I had no private loans). My bff is the head of financial aid for a major university and helped me with it. She said that I should consolidate with the Department of Education because that private companies are not to be trusted and will hide surprise provisions, etc, and do not have as generous deferments if suddenly my income disappeared. I didn’t really dig into that because she’s an expert in this area. Your school’s financial aid office will be able to discuss it with you thoroughly.

      Note that if you consolidate, your grace period is over and the loans immediately start accruing. Also, the Dept of Ed only consolidates federal loans.

      http://loanconsolidation.ed.gov/index.html has an interest calculator which could help you decide if consolidation makes sense for you.

    4. I graduated from law school in 2009 and consolidated my Stafford loans in late 2009 or early 2010 through the Dept. of Education. It was a confusing process and my school’s financial aid office was no help whatsoever. My fellow recent alums were just as confused as I was, but we eventually figured out the process together by trial and error. I’m normally very organized and on top of these sorts of things, but it took me forever to gather all the necessary information – my loans were getting sold to a new company every few weeks. Consolidating didn’t help my interest rate one bit, but a friend who also had a loan from undergrad got a very slightly better rate because of her undergrad loan. Once I consolidated, signing up for direct payment brought my interest rate down a fraction of a point (I think I’m at 6.625%). That said, it was worth it if only for the ease of making a single payment and not having my lender change ever other week!

      1. I should clarify that by “through the Dept. of Education” I meant through the Direct Loan Program which was (maybe still is?) the only consolidation option available (and it’s only available for federal loans).

      2. Question from someone trying to figure this out right now (only if you remember) when you enter the individual loans, are you supposed to put the Lender or the Servicer? The listing of all my loans has both and the pre-entered options on the Dept. of Ed. consolidation site seem to indicate Servicer over Lender…but it says Lender. If that makes ANY sense. :)

        1. I remember having this question or one like it. I’ll look at the notes in my loan file when I get home and post again if I find the answer.

          BTW, you can call Direct with questions. However, they don’t always give consistent/correct answers… once or twice my friends and I called (separately) and each asked the same questions. Then we compared the answers we received and went with the most common answer or cobbled together all the answers and proceeded from there. Ugh!

          1. Thanks for checking, I really appreciate it. I’ll give them a call. Between checking them on the NSLDS system and then running down the other information on Sallie Mae or the Dept. of Ed. website through Sallie Mae and so on, and still feeling like I’m guessing at a lot of it, it’s getting a tad frustrating.

            The consolidation website looks like something from 1999. Good to know someone survived it. :)

          2. LMo: Where the form says lender, I wrote the servicer. If memory serves, Direct wants the name and address of the company to which you are sending your payments so that they can send a pay-off check. If the pre-entered address isn’t the servicer’s payment address, I think you’re supposed to change it. Consolidating took forever for me in part because my loans were being sold quicker than Direct could process my paperwork. Direct required me to submit some sort of update form… if any of your loans are sold after you submit your consolidation application but before it gets approved, call Direct and see what they require these days. (Again, I’d suggest calling a few times as this was one issue where I remember my friends and I all got different answers from the Direct operators, at least initially.) Good luck!

    5. Back in 2006, I went through Graduate Leverage, a firm set up by Harvard graduates to maximize graduate buying power by coming together as a group to negotiate with banks for consolidation rates. The company has morphed somewhat now, but from their website it looks like they still will analyze your loans for you and provide consolidation advice. (FYI: I consolidated my law school federal loans and am paying under 2% interest.)

  17. The primary “rainmaker” at my firm invited me to a pro football game this weekend with a group of potential new clients. Any ideas what to wear? Weather will be hot and the seats are outside…. Something between business casual and casual?

    1. I would straight-up ask him if this is business casual or casual. I’d assume it is casual (nice casual) but better safe…

      If casual, I’d wear chinos and a lightweight top with coverage (I like polo shirts, but if you aren’t a polo girl, then another short sleeved blouse or other high necked top). I’d avoid sleeveless tops or a tshirt since you will be meeting these people for the first time – casual, but polished.

    2. For a similar event I wore golf shorts and a fitted polo and closed toed sports sandals.

    3. I’d go casual, but neat. Polo shirts, particularly a classic Brooks Brothers or similar, are a good stand-by for things like this. I wouldn’t hesitate to wear jeans. I think you’d look out of place in business casual at a football game on the weekend. I just wouldn’t wear sneakers, but would instead go with boots, or loafers, or something like that. A nice pair of earrings/bracelet/watch, and you should be set.

      Also, I’d do a little bit of reading up on the team you’re going to see. Just to get a sense of what’s going on with the team so you’re not going in totally blind. Espn.com should be sufficient. If it’s a local team, check the local paper’s story on the game. And I’d avoid volunteering to get snacks for the “boys” – puts you in a service position, rather than an equal.

    4. I love football. Be sure you’re wearing the right (local team) colors, or at the least, not the wrong (visiting team) colors, which will be an easy way to show you are out of your element. Hot, outside… Arizona, Houston, Atlanta, Miami, Tampa are my guesses. Dallas and New Orleans have domes… On the off chance it’s Houston v. Dallas, that’s a major rivalry so be prepared for an exciting game.

      I also suggest learning a bit about the game itself (maybe watch an upcoming game of any team on tv with a football enthusiast), the name of the quarterback for your team, and maybe one other player (his favorite receiver? the star offensive lineman? the coach?). There will almost certainly be a short column/story of analysis on ESPN’s website about the game you’re going to, which will give you some things to look for and be able to comment on during the game.

      I agree with Anon, but depending in your geography, you may be a bit overdressed. If I was going to a Niners game with a client and rainmaker, I would wear dark jeans, boots (or ballet flats/loafers, but stadiums have a lot of stairs and all kinds of ick on the ground so I like covered feet), a nice sweater, pearls, and maybe a colorful scarf. A polo or button up with sleeves rolled up to 3/4, or a short sleeved silk/sateen blouse would work too. We are more casual out here though, so YMMV. I *rarely* see skirts at stadiums so I wouldn’t suggest that. And I don’t know about your region but I would never wear shorts in front of a client.

      Don’t forget sunscreen!

      2. Not like it matters, but the football stadium they play in now in Houston has one of those retractable roofs. And the A/C works pretty good.

        1. Pardon me :). My stadium is fifty years old this year. I am so jealous of the gorgeous stadiums enjoyed by other teams, including yours!

      3. Giants (pardon me I mean New Meadowlands) stadium is about 100 degrees and a sun trap in September, so you never know. And about -30 in December!

    5. I’ve found sporting events are always the most casual of any firm event.

      Always appropriate to wear some team gear to an event like that, I think – i.e., nice khakis/jeans, a team t-shirt, and a coordinated pullover if it gets a little colder.

      1. I would not advise wearing team gear unless you are a fan of the team and can talk about it. If it is clear you bought the shirt for the game and know nothing about football, I’m going to think you are a bit ridiculous.

        1. Absolutely agree. I am not a football fan but grew up in a family of rabid fans. It’s totally fine for someone to be at the game as a naif and be up-front that they know nothing about football. If that person wears a team shirt/jersey, there will be some assumptions made that they know who the star players are, stats, etc. Big-time football fans usually love explaining teams and the game to a novice – the OP shouldn’t feel like she has to “fake” football knowledge. In response to a specific football question, it’s totally OK to shrug and say “you know, I’m pretty new to this.” Almost certainly, the monologues on which team paid too much for which draft pick and how such-and-such team has a better chance of making it to the Super Bowl this year because of blah-blah will ensue :)

    6. Face paint of the home team. Just kidding. I’ve gone to several of these, and the dress has ranged from suits (as in people came right after work) to casual. Although I’m usually horrible at them, because I *love* sports and tend to watch more of the game than network or chit chat. And some guys may not actually believe that a mere woman might actually know more about a team than they do. Like they thought I studied real hard about football rather than live-breathe-die it.

      Ooops – didn’t mean to get on a rant! :)))

    7. I would ask too. My company has had these sorts of events for baseball and we are always told not to wear jeans because of the client impact.

      It seems a bit odd to be dressed up at a baseball game, but we are not in the stadium but have one of those suites. It’s great because you hardly feel like you are at the game (lol – coming from a non-sports enthusiast!)

      I’d go for capris of the non denim variety, and a nice short sleeved top or polo.

  18. I don’t know, but I am extremely curious to hear what other people have to say. I’ll be completely done with school in December and my interest rates are all over the place and I seem to have loans from a bunch of different companies. On top of that, I keep getting letters saying that my loan has been taken over by another company. I’m normally neurotically organized, but I’m having trouble staying on top of all of this. Aside from the interest rate issue, it would be nice to consolidate my loans for the sole purpose of having it all in one place and only paying one big payment a month.

    2. Check out http://www.nslds.ed.gov/nslds_SA/. It keeps record of all your fed loans. The only piece of information you might have to hunt for is your PIN number, from when you did the FAFSA and such.
      I know how you feel, had the EXACT same experience with my loans. It is ridiculously frustrating and made consolidating a nightmare.
      For fed loans, Direct is the best (and only?) way to go, though the paperwork is a bit daunting.

      1. This website is extraordinarily useful. Before I consolidated (back in 2006 when it was easy to do), I visited the site regularly just to fully understand and memorize my loan situation. You’ll need your Dept of Ed PIN to access it.

      2. Thank you. That will be very helpful. Sadly I also have private loans from a couple of different companies, 2 of which no longer exist just to make things more complicated.

  19. Feeling sad and rethinking my attitude this weekend. One of our indigent criminal defense clients killed herself a few days ago. She was only 25, with a 2 year old daughter. I had actually dropped her as a client because she was impossible to get ahold of, would lie to the court about not being able to get ahold of our office, would make appointments and never show. My assistant and I were fed up and I withdrew on the case after a particularly irritating court appearance. I finally had come to a point in my career that I won’t put up with clients lying to the court and wasting my time. Another attorney in my firm was representing her at the time of her death.

    Now, it’s obvious she had a lot of crap going on in her life and I feel selfish for being so fed up with her. I’m trying hard to strike a balance between my job demands, my clients demands, and my own needs. Setting up boundaries has become the biggest saving grace for me, in a job that is high caseload, high stress and most of the time, thankless. So I know in my head that I couldn’t have done anything for her, but I still feel sad in my heart.

    1. I’m so sorry for you (and for her family, and for her). This is terrible. Just remember that you did your best with the hand you were dealt – the rest is not something you can change or control.

    2. It’s okay (and normal) to feel sad – it is a tragic situation and the young child makes it all the more tragic. Nothing you did directly or indirectly led to this outcome, and there was nothing you could have done with the information you had to prevent it. Like 2L, I’ve very sorry for you and her family.

    3. It’s so sad to see the pain and grief we humans cause ourselves and each other — no wonder her story is weighing on your heart. It sounds like you did a good job of setting the boundaries you needed to. I read somewhere that it’s a sign of maturity to be able to feel or believe more than one thing at at time: I think it makes perfect sense that you could be both fed up with your interactions and grieving about where her choices led her. Please accept my heartfelt empathy.

      1. “…it’s a sign of maturity to be able to feel or believe more than one thing at at time.”

        This is the most amazing thing I have read all week. Thank you for sharing it.

      2. I agree with Louise…that is a fantastic saying. I printed it out and also put it in my Blackberry so I could remember it.

        DH always gives me cr@p about being able to see (and argue for) both sides of an arguement. He thinks it’s a character flaw, but I disagree.

    4. Mille so sorry you’re going through that. I’m sure you were an asset to this girl’s life and the challenges she faced were just too much for her — more than what had to do with you and your organization. I’m sure the help you gave her was one of the positives. You can only do so much.

    5. I’d like to add my condolences, also. While it was her life and her mental health to address, it’s impossible not to be affected by something like this. I do think these situations give us (at least me) pause to consider all the things we have to be grateful for.

    6. I’m sorry to hear this. I also have worked as an indigent defense lawyer, and it’s rough. It’s impossible to be completely disengaged. Perhaps there’s a fund being set up to help her daughter that you can contribute to in her memory?

    7. I’ve been in a similar situation and ended up seeing a therapist about it … I couldn’t get over the guilt even though the rational part of my mind knew that I wasn’t responsible for someone else’s desperate actions. I still think about it.

      Remember that you did all you could; that you ensured she had other representation; that you do a lot of good in the world and the only way to help other people sometimes is to help those that want it.

      My thoughts are with you and with the woman’s family; take a deep breath, focus on something beautiful in your life and remind yourself of all the good you have done in your career and with your life.

    8. Sometimes it is good to remind yourself that good decisions sometimes are associated with bad outcomes. Setting the right boundaries for yourself was, and always will be, a good decision. The fact that this woman’s complicated circumstances led to her sad end is a bad outcome. But it doesn’t change the fact that you made a good decision.

      Please don’t be too hard on yourself. Your sadness and disappointment are real, and that’s okay.

    9. I sympathize and agree with the other posters that it sounds like you made the right decision for yourself and your other clients. It sounds like if anyone let this woman down, it was probably her social worker / therapist / family – you can’t be both a client’s lawyer and the person who helps her deal with her emotional problems. It’s natural to feel bad for her and wish you could have done something to prevent what happened, but try not to let that morph into “I should have done more.”

  21. Threadjack — I just started a new job and (thanks in part to Corporette!) I feel like I’ve got the ‘clothing thing’ down pretty well.

    Just a ‘social’ question……

    I’ve been doing years of freelance research work which is by its nature pretty solitary and your written product stands for itself. Now I’m in a job that has lots of interaction with other departments and a large group of very friendly people who get along quite well (mainly women — most in different jobs than mine but we work together–I’m advising them on some things).

    I’m just looking for pointers on how to get along well with a new, large group of people (women). They are super nice but I get the feeling they are getting a little off-put (I’ve been there only a few weeks) because I’m not more friendly and outgoing and sit in my office doing my work most of the time. I’m pretty shy but definitely able to step it up when necessary.

    At various places I’ve worked ladies (most often support staff folks) will often share tons and tons of personal details with me within a few days (hours) of meeting me (children situations, marital history, and [often] much more). I’m just not that open but want to get along. But…still be professional.

    Sorry for the long post but any tips (general or specific!) would be much appreciated.

    1. The amazing thing is that you probably will have more headway by being an active listener when your colleagues talk (ask probing questions, restate what they say, etc.) rather than deflecting and talking about yourself. That said, you do have to disclose some little details (like where you’re going to dinner or a tv show you like) to gain their trust … good luck!

  22. Ladies – I have to attend a bris next week, which is my first. I am (obviously) not Jewish, and hoped someone on here could give me a few etiquette pointers. Does one bring a gift? It is early in the evening and I am planning on going over after work – are my work clothes (nice business casual) OK? Anything else I should know? Thanks!!!

    1. Nice business casual should be absolutely fine. Are the parents Orthodox, Conservative or Reform?

    2. Yes bring a gift. Just follow what everyone else does. Or follow what the *women* do, because depending upon whether they are Orthodox, Conservative or Reform, they will have different customs for men and women. Oh, and if it is Orthodox, don’t try to shake men’s hands. There are customs about that. (Tripped on that one myself!)

      There will be lots of food; bring your appetite.

    3. Bring a gift, and when the women leave the room (if they do), go with them — a nice pair of pants and a blouse/other business casual attire is fine. More conservative than not (esp. if Orthodox) – General rule is no bare shoulders – i.e. sleeveless (even though it’s not in a synagogue).

    4. Bring a nicer gift – not something useful like you’d bring to a shower, but something commemorative, like a photo frame, silver rattle, that kind of silly thing. If you’re not sure what branch of Judaism the family is, I’d advise to err on the side of modest dress, but your nice business casual work clothes should be perfectly fine.

  23. I am on a mobile device, so I can’t directly respond, but I see where anon got the idea that rocknroll was being rude, even if that’s not what she intended. So often, several women will take a comment, pick the person apart, and kind of gang up on her, whether that’s what they intended or not. This looks to me to be another case of that. (And that is precisely why I don’t comment very often.) I just felt like someone should come in and defend anon, evedn though

  24. Argh-Issues with commenting using my cell! I meant to say even though she seems to have left. (Probably wisely!)

  25. Hey Ladies,
    Just wondering if any of you have any suggestions for this situation. I live in an apartment in an old victorian building and I actually have a fairly large closet. But it has a pretty narrow door, and it is dark, so things get pushed “deep in” and are hard to access and impossible to see. I can’t move the rod or shelf. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Happy weekend! : )

      1. Please do let us know if it works! I’ve tried cheaper lights from Target and they were basically useless. I’d love to know a product can actually light up the closet before I buy it next time!

    2. Can you put in some shelves in the narrow area and then put your stuff in labeled bins? That way you know where everything is, and youc an pull the bin off the shelf and take it somewhere with more light to rifle through it. You also could try those stick-on lights.

  26. We got one of those metal shelf things for my daughter’s closet and it’s awesome for giving more space. Also, you can get those multi-clip hangers to hang more than one item to save space.

    1. Thanks for the suggestions. I think I might get a light at least. J*lie, what kind of metal shelf do you mean?

      I am curious if anyone has dealt with the specific issue of difficulty accessing certain “regions” of the closet (this makes my closet sound a lot bigger than it is)…I’m thinking, vaguely, that there must be some sort of ingenious sliding or rotating mechanism out there. I browsed the container store but didn’t find anything like that.

      I was thinking of getting some of those hanging shelves but instead of having them face “out” they would face “sideways” if that makes any sense, but even that isn’t ideal because the door is so narrow, the shelves would still block a lot of the rod. The ideal thing would be to have a wider door cut into the wall, but it’s not an option since the apt. is a rental.

      And, this extra large closet (by local standards) comes with an extra small room, so I don’t have a lot of dresser space.

      Thanks again everybody!

        1. i had a closet like that on 17th street in manhattan — i just used the inaccessible space for out-of-season clothes that i wanted to keep hanging.

  27. Hello all,
    I love to wear lingerie, short shorts, and ‘sexy’ nightgowns to bed in the summer, even though I’m currently single. But I don’t turn up the heat very much in the winter for environmental/budget reasons, and I just can’t get warm enough in anything that’s not long sleeved. I have some cute PJ sets, but I was wondering if anyone knew of anything that’s a little more fun to wear than flannel, but will still keep me (relatively) warm?

    1. What about flannel sheets and a down comforter? You can also get a flannel duvet cover if you like being extra warm. Personally, I’m a fleece pajamas-flannel sheets-flannel covered down comforter-heat on 74 kinda girl, but my apartments have always been crazy drafty so I think it evens out.

    2. I’m a big fan of luxe fabrics – LL Bean makes silk nightshirts (I think it’s LL Bean – check their site) that feel soooo nice, and are pretty toasty. Also, try adding a fleece blanket to your comforter – it’s amazing what another layer can do for warmth!

    3. Hot water bottle? I have an electric heating mattress pad, which uses far less energy than the heater, and I love it.

      1. I used to have a heated mattress pad and it was amazing. Amazing. Everyone who is cold at night should buy one!

    4. I’d just get an extra blanket to put on instead of upgrading the comforter/duvet to something ultra warm. That way if you wake up in the night a little too warm you can toss the blanket off while still having the other layer.

      If you can heat your mattress, that’s a great idea. When I slept on a futon in Japan the heat never reached the floor, so the heated rug was a godsend.

    5. I’d love suggestions too – I can’t for the life of me find cute night clothes with long sleeves.

    6. Is it fall where you are? We were at day 86 or so of temps in the 90s yesterday…

      despite my jealousy- i do have a few tips on staying warm.

      one-have slippers next to the bed for late night trips to the potty/fridge/computer/etc. or wear them all the time like i do because my toes are always cold and my husband insists on cranking the air way up. yes, 90 outside… slippers inside.

      two- electric blankets! i have one that you can set on a huge range of temps, and it cycles on and off by itself to maintain an even temp in the bed. I layer it between the sheets and the comforter so I don’t have to see it or feel it. Sometimes I just use it to warm up the bed while I brush my teeth so I don’t have that shockingly cold experience.

      three- if you are mainly chilly at bedtime, consider a small space heater in the bedroom. you won’t have to pay to warm up your whole house (apartment?) but you won’t freeze your butt off either. get one with an auto-shut off feature so you won’t leave it running all day.

      I can’t sleep in pants (i get tangled) or socks (i kick them off), and i am always cold and the above things work for me. or, get a dog- my three (yes, three) schnauzers are always happy to snuggle up beside me and don’t mind when i put my cold toes under them (unlike my husband)!

  28. Hi Ladies,
    I recently graduated from b-school and have started at a PE firm.

    I also found out I am pregnant with triplets. I am going on bedrest, but will return to work once A,B, and C are born. Does anyone have any suggestions to make the process of leaving and returning easier? Thanks

    1. Congratulations on your pregnancy. Triplets are going to be a challenge whether or not you go back to work. I would absolutely look into having both nighttime and daytime help and get it lined up well before the babies are born – get ready to spend a LOT on childcare. I have known two women who had triplets – curiously, both as single mothers – and in both cases, their mothers moved in with them, and then they also had the day/night nanny arrangement. The only way they made it work without going completely insane was having someone during the day (p.s. – if you don’t have a family member that can provide day help, you may need to hire two nannies, as a lot of nannies will not agree to care for three newborns by themselves all day – and I totally understand why) and someone at night. From what I have seen, you absolutely cannot do it without hired help, period, unless you have more than one family member willing to provide round-the-clock help. And that’s a pretty big strain to put on an unpaid person who may be older (in the case of a mom, for example). I’d hire people, because then you know they have an obligation to be there. Make sure you find nannies that will also do things like laundry and limited food prep. You probably need to think about getting a housekeeper in addition to the nannies, if either you or your partner are the types that can’t stand a messy house.

      Be aware that some doctors recommend that babies who are higher-order multiples don’t start daycare until they are older (it varies between 6 and 12 months) because they are generally preemies, and preemies are exposed to too much, illness-wise, in daycare. I know our daycare actually won’t take more than twins and they won’t take babies that were more than 6 weeks premature until they’re over a year old. So if you are thinking daycare at some point, you may need to look around to find the right situation.

      Going back to work – there are people who successfully breastfeed triplets but generally it’s a formula/breastmilk combo from birth, especially dependent on how premature they end up being, and if any of them have special needs. Get a good breastpump – I would forgo any of the commercial pumps and rent one from a hospital or medical-supply company, because you need maximum efficiency – and learn how to use it before the babies are born. See if you can start back on a half-time schedule when your maternity leave is over, before you jump back into full-time. Make sure you know what the leave policies are – some places make women exhaust sick leave when they’re on maternity leave, if they want to be paid, which can make for some difficulties when you go back, as kids and nannies get sick, you get sick, etc. Not to be negative, but both sets of triplets I know have at least one child with chronic illness or special needs, and the moms have had to spend considerable time dealing with the childrens’ problems. As I said, though, they are both single mothers and have both kept working at high-level jobs – as the sole support for the household, neither had a choice.

      You definitely have an uphill climb ahead of you, but you can make it work – I have seen it happen. I have to just give you this advice: if there’s any way you can take some considerable time off after the babies come (six months or more) or only work half-time when you go back (for at least six months) – I would do it. Babies are a LOT of work. And from what I understand, having triplets is not like having a newborn times three, it’s more of an exponential increase in work. My friend who had triplets used to fall asleep in meetings because she was so exhausted, but as I said – she was sole support, so she didn’t have a choice. If you do, take it. If not, just remember – about anything you need to do house-wise, you can hire someone to do it. You’re not superwoman, and you will need help. Be realistic about your capabilities and your tolerance levels, know when to ask for help, and you should be fine.

    2. I think the most important thing is that you make sure your employer understands you’re committed to your job and planning to return. Stay in touch throughout your leave, be as helpful with you can to those who will be taking over your work for you, ask for updates on major projects so you’re not starting from square one when you get back, and communicate with your employer about any changes that will affect your return. The main thing everyone’s going to be thinking is how a mother of triplets is going to manage to work at a PE firm, and as a result, people might consciously or unconsciously give you less work, or less challenging work, or treat you like you’re halfway out the door. You need to do everything you can to counteract that attitude.

    3. Wow!! Congratulations on the pregnancy, and good luck with the job.

      As Anon below says, triplets will be a challenge – probably from about now until maybe they are like about eighteen :). Seriously, you have a tough road in front of you (and three little blessings).

      I had twins when my older child was two and a half, and I was the breadwinner and the dad was itinerant (ie, didn’t work or do much/anything re the kids/house). I had three people working at my house so I could toddle exhaustedly off to biglaw (after 3 mo maternity leave – I personally think they should give you twelve weeks per kid, at least up to the first three, no offense Kate + 8 or whatever her name is) for the first year after the twins were born, and it was still super challenging. It all got done, though – I felt like I had to make the investment in the help so I could keep the household going – nobody else was going to and I could not nurse/care for the twins, take care of the two year old, sleep AT ALL, and work 12 hour days w/o meaningful help. Which is to say, realistically, if you have any aspirations of working before the babies are ~ a year old, you DO need paid help and/or a super generous cadre of volunteers.

      Re the bedrest period: can you telecommute/work from home/phone it in? When I was on bedrest, I was lucky enough to be able to work from home; I also had two hours a day (until ~28 weeks) where I could walk around, and I would go to the office once a week to kind of check in. And occasionally, one or two of my partners would come to my house for a ‘lunch meeting’ (the nanny would handle my then 2 year old) where I would basically hang out on the couch/recliner and do a regular office meeting (mind you, I had been partners with these goodhearted folks for a few years before all this, which made it easier, something you might not have going for you…but you get the idea). Being flexible like that (on both sides) helped a lot in terms of staying connected to the job.

      I wish you, A, B and C, and their dad all the best! I know a few people who’ve done it, you will come out just fine! Oh, and keep us updated – you will need a little break every now and then and 15 mins here will get you a good lift. Good luck.

    4. I don’t know how long you’ve been employed, but it sounds to me like you probably haven’t had much time to establish yourself at your new firm. If you can work from home, it’s important to make sure everyone at work knows that you are able to take on projects and be a functioning part of the team. If you are just going on bedrest, it sounds like you will be taking way more than 3 months off, so the danger, to me, is that you won’t be seen as a contributing member of your firm. Also, it’s very hard to built up clients and accounts when you aren’t actually working, so do what you can from home.

      Sounds harsh, and I expect to get nailed for saying it, but don’t expect your coworkers to be thrilled for you, especially if you just started at the firm. I can’t imagine anything more irritating in this job market– everyone knows someone who is unemployed or underemployed, and taking a job and immediately having to leave for bedrest and maternity leave will probably frustrate a lot of people. It sounds like your leave will be longer than you’ve worked there. Again, do as much as you possibly can to show that you want to work and aren’t just taking advantage of the system.

    5. Congrats! A lady in our capt complex has triplets and while she is a SAHM, she had 3 nannies (fulltime) till they were 3, now that number has fallen to 2. This is in Asia so nany costs are far lower than the US.

      However, it’s still tough to get by with less than 2 fulltime carers, whether nanny or family. So be prepared for that cost/time to source help etc.

    1. You mean because people assume that everyone has the means to hire multiple nannys and housekeepers??? I lol’d at that.

      1. fyi – I do not think this blog is out of touch w/ reality. I just laughed at the comment about hiring multiple nannys because that is not even close to affordable for me at this point in time.

        1. Yes, but everyone has a different life(style) and means. That said, the comment below was totally uncalled for and offensive!

    2. You don’t have to read it, princesses! Go find something else more to your liking. I’m sure they have blogs for people who buy workwear at Wal-Mart and aspire to buying a DOUBLE-WIDE trailer on the GOOD side of the trailer park somewhere.

      2. For someone who hates stupid beeyotches, this was an ignorant thing and “beeyotchy” thing to write.

      3. Wow, I think you may have just won the award for most ridiculous comment ever on this blog, and honestly, that’s a pretty hard thing to accomplish, so…congratulations?

      4. And you don’t have to comment. Your remark is wholly inconsistent with the nature and spirit of our community. Please leave and go find some flame happy place populated by your own kind. As you note, there is a blog for everyone – this one obviously isn’t yours. Good bye.

    3. I disagree. This thread, for example, is a blend of people who shop at Target, people who have housekeepers, people who live in studios so small they don’t have closet space, people who travel to the tropics, single women, women with kids, and so on. That’s a pretty good reflection of the reality of my group of friends – professional women with common interests but different economic situations and at different stages of life.

      1. I second your comments, Anonymous. I’ve found the inputs on here to be very helpful and supportive, and it’s a great marketplace of ideas from frugality to upscale living. For those who don’t care for Kat’s posts and the various threads, there are lots of other blogs out there to read. But the common interest/demographic of this blog is spelled out at the top-professional women. Hopefully, it continues to be reflected in readers’ comments.

      2. Nicely said! I think it’s fun and informative to read about women in different situations — we’re all trying to do our best in the world of ‘corporette’ work and learn from each other!

    4. People who go around commenting on blogs they dislike with vague, snarky remarks are called trolls. They do it precisely to provoke the kind of classy remarks that “IHateBeeyotchs” has provided us with. They get some kind of thrill out of this. If Emily’s intent is not actually to troll, and rather is to provide an informative, dialogue-elevating contribution, then I really think a comment like that should spell out more about what you mean. Since as someone notes below there is a wide range of conversation going on right here, from Target purchases to nannies, you could mean anything.

      1. Both Emily and Ihate etc need to just go away and leave the blog to people who enjoy and value it. As far as I know, the internet is fairly large and no one is forcing them to be here.

  30. Does anyone own the J Crew Durham Pant, Favorite Fit, in wool gabardine? I am thinking of ordering the navy suit b/c it is on sale, but, it’s final sale and I cannot return it if it is hideous. Reviews?

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