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6pm.com has some crazy sales going on today, including a ton of designer shoes, clothes, and bags. I like these simple shoes from Kors by Michael Kors — they strike me as the perfect accompaniment to a little black dress. Were $296, now marked to $69.85 at 6pm.com KORS Michael Kors – Paris (Black Patent) – Footwear
AIMS
I have never tried a pair of Michael Kors shoes on that did not kill my feet almost instantly. This includes reasonable heels that should have been quite comfortable.
On an aside, I asked this before in the TPS thread, but reposting: does anyone know Brooks Brothers’ price adjustment policy? I just bought a bunch of stuff that went on super sale, none of which I have even unwrapped. Do I have to just return & re-purchase or what?
AIMS
Nevermind — Just called their customer service. Got a $40 credit, total, back on my card. FYI — it’s 14 days from the order to get a credit for any reductions.
Anonymous
Thanks for reporting back! Good to know.
coco
good to know about the shoes – i have been staring at the pewter pair of these for many months
Too soft
I have hair that is TOO soft — it’s very fine and curly, and when I pull it back in a ponytail it always falls out because my hair is so soft. Sounds like a strange complaint, I know, but it’s annoying. How does one go about making hair less soft/more coarse?
stc
I have similar hair and find that when I have have highlights my hair is a little courser and easier to style. Not the best solution, but one!
AIMS
Do you use conditioner? Maybe try switching to a lighter one or a 2-in-1?
Also, what do you use to pull your hair back? A hair clip, instead of tie, may work better? Or, perhaps some of those smaller hair ties?
Bridget
My hair is not fine, but I would think that putting some hairspray in would give it some texture?
sgb
you can also get pony-tail holders with a little rubber on them. this will cause them to stick better to your hair. I have really smooth hair and I have this problem as well (when my hair was long enough for ponytails :)
SF Bay Associate
I’m wearing one of these now. I also have very fine hair, and no other pony holders work except the rubberized ones. I think they’re from Goody, available at Target.
AIMS
I have those & love them, but I am not sure if they would work if you don’t have a whole lot of hair.
Anon
I’ve found that aerosol dry shampoo does the trick, even if my hair is freshly cleaned. My hair is not fine, but it is really soft. For me, less frequent washing has worked wonders, too, but I don’t know if that’s an option for you.
Celia
I agree with the dry shampoo advice. I’ve also found that putting some hair wax – not gel, which will make it overly shiny, but matte wax – in your hair helps some. I just dab some on my palms and run it through my hair, then let it sit for a minute or two. It acts somewhat like a texturizer and helps my ponytail stay in place much, much better. As a good buns, the products (I use Redken or Tigi) smell really good. To give my hair some extra volume at the roots when I leave it down, and help texturize it a bit too, I’ve found it helps to put a small amount of volumizing mousse on the roots half way through my hair drying routine.
Jess
Have you ever tried to use Jonathan’s “Dirt” on it? Kind of adds a little tacky texture – that may help?
A
I have used a product called “Dust It” that completely changes the texture of my fine hair at the roots. It’s a powder that you sprinkle on your roots and kind of work in, and it’s almost like you teased your hair a little except not with the messy and/or 1960s look.
Don’t know if it will help hold the ponytail holder, but it makes my hair LOOK better in a ponytail or half-up style because it gives volume and makes the hair itself take on a thicker texture. So not as flat to my head.
female banker
yes, I use that. Dirt is the best
mc
I’d recommend a mattifying powder. Not the stuff for shine on your face, it’s an actual hair product. It gives almost a rubber-ish friction to hair (great for teasing). It comes in a small shaker bottle. Not for use on all your hair, just wherever it needs some oomph. Im still experimenting with it..
http://www.sleekhair.com/9713.html
aveda has a good one as well
M in CA
I wanted to share this with people who I knew would appreciate it: I finally have my first set of pearls, and they are a family heirloom, no less! It’s not without a bit of sadness that I received them: earlier this week, my grandfather gave me a pearl necklace and pearl earrings he bought for my grandmother back when he was serving in Japan in WWII (he was in the Navy). We lost my grandmother last year, which was not unexpected, but still very sad. They were married for 69 years. The pearls themselves are gorgeous — I know so many of you say that pearls are a staple, and I never realized it until now. They are truly gorgeous, and the fact that they have such sentimental value makes me feel even more special when I’m wearing them. I’ve worn them every day this week: today, since it’s Friday, I’m wearing them knotted at the neck (they’re a little long) with a black sweater, dark jeans, suede flats, and boyfriend blazer. LOVE.
wearing pearls today too
Happy for you! I hope you have a granddaughter who loves them just as much some day.
dd
That’s great! So happy for you. Since they are old, you might consider taking them to an expert jeweler to see if they need to be restrung – you don’t want the string to break and have them go flying all over the place.
M in CA
*Great* idea — thank you!
Anon in DC
Just wanted to add that I received some “family” jewelry from my husband’s family when we got married, and I had to get some of it “redone” slightly — sized up a bracelet and converted some earrings from post-back to drop. (Indian women apparently have smaller wrists and larger ear piercings than do I.) I had a wonderful experience at a jewelry store that specializes in estate jewelry and repairs. Although I couldn’t have worn them before, they are now staples that suit me perfectly. I would encourage those with heirloom pieces that aren’t “quite right” to consider the investment of doing something similar.
N
Can you please let us know the shop, if in DC, I would love to go! I am Indian (heritage wise) and while I do have tiny wrists, I have small ear holes and need to get some of my better inherited earrings fixed up.
anon
I am so sorry for your loss and thrilled that your grandfather knew you would appreciate the pearls and honor your grandmother.
Just Another Anonymous
This made me smile!
carolina
Love this. Today I am wearing my husband’s grandmother’s pearls that my husband gave me as a wedding gift. Mine are a little long too, but came with “shortners” that hook between the pearls and allow you to wear them at any length. I love this feature b/c it’s nice to be able to change the length depending on whatever shirt I’m wearing. I bet you could find something similar at one of the online jewelry places the Corporettes have suggeted. I haven’t tried to knot mine — not sure they are long enough — but I will based on your suggestion.
I wish I knew more of the backstory to these pearls as you do — I will have to investigate. And, I agree, I wear them to work at least 3 days a week, if not 5. Boring, maybe. But definitely classic.
A
Curious what kind of earrings you all wear with pearls. Often I wear large-ish pearl earrings — not studs; I have some that are on a gold hook that makes the pearl hang down just a little. But sometimes that feels too matchy and not particularly modern. I don’t know what another good option is.
Celia
I think pretty much anything works with a pearl necklace, precisely because it is such a staple item. It’s like an engagement ring – not something people expect the rest of your jewelry to necessarily match, unless the necklace itself is a huge statement piece (i.e., particularly oversized or many strands of pearls).
JessC
Agreed. Personally, I’m a “gold” girl myself. I love the way a pair of simple gold earrings looks with a pearl necklace or pearl earrings with a gold necklace/pendant.
Anonymous
I don’t wear another stone with them. Sometimes I wear matching pearl studs or if I’m not feeling matchy-matchy, I wear a pair of Paloma Picasso silver X earrings with them. I think solid gold or silver earrings look nice with pearls.
Anonymous
I was given a pearl necklace from my parents and I wear it at least once or twice a week and it never feels old to me. I wear it with diamond studs. I think it works fine. Loved your pearl story. Nice to hear especially after such a long week at work!
divaliscious11
That is very touching! If I had that story, I’d wear them and I am not a pearl girl!
anon c
Awwww! I also wear my grandmother’s pearls – she had a very long pearly necklace, and asked in her will for it to be divided into two so my sister and I would each have one half. I’m not really a pearls girl, but whenever I have a really special occasion or big day at work, I love to wear them because they make me feel strong. It’s the only piece of jewelry – other than my engagement ring – that I plan on wearing on my wedding day!
Celie
I just wanted to add, I am a recent convert to (semi)veganism, and I was feeling bad about the pearls I own — earrings and two necklaces. (Gifts from grandmother.) But then I came across this piece in Slate that says that oysters shouldn’t really be considered animals and don’t feel pain, so he as a vegan feels comfortable ordering oysters. And now I as vegan-lite feel comfortable wearing my grandmother’s pearls.
http://www.slate.com/id/2248998/
CC
What’s semi veganism? If you don’t mind me asking
Nora
I think it means that you can eat eggs.
Anonymous
vegetarian with aspirational label.
Celie
It means that I am basically vegan, but if I am a guest at someone’s house, I will eat their vegetarian-but-not-vegan offerings if that’s what’s available, because I don’t want to be a huge imposition. My goal as a semi-vegan is not to contribute to a market for animal products. So if I am helping a friend move out and she has some milk products she won’t move with her, and offers them to me, I will take them, since they have already been “consumed” in the financial sense. I wear leather shoes that I bought before I became vegan. This kind of thing. I actually don’t eat eggs — haven’t since before I was even vegetarian — because I hate the taste. Same with fish, haven’t eaten it since preschool probably.
MM
This is a beautiful story. I have a very distinct memory of being forced to wear pearls for my senior photos (my mom insisting that they were so classy and I would later love them). Hating them. Then, by the time of my 21st birthday, doing a complete about-face. I requested a pearl necklace, and my grandmother bought me a new one that perfectly matched her pearl earrings, which she also gifted me at the time. I wear both all the time (sometimes together and sometimes separately), and my mother does rub in my change of heart every once in a while.
anon
awww. i have a similar story with my pearls, and it’s always nice to wear them in part because of the sentimental value. Enjoy wearing them, and I agree with the poster that said see if you need to get them restrung–mine were older and had to be restrung before they were given to me.
Anon
I second this. My mom and I “share” my grandmothers pearls. I wore them for my wedding a few years ago and literally the next time my mom put them on, the thread broke. I would have been so disappointed if that happened on my wedding day! Definitely have them checked by a reputable jeweler.
AN
wear them in good health! what a lovely memory of your grandmother to carry around with you….
Just Another Anonymous
**Sigh**
Remind me why I don’t want to run away and join a Wall Street Investment firm, have no soul, and just happily make money.
(Stressed today!)
Anonymous
Because they probably aren’t hiring anyway?
:)
Sorry you are having a stressful day! Hope you can enjoy some wuality “you” time this weekend :)
dd
Because you’d be just as stressed there :)
Just Another Anonymous
Darn you smart people…
Ballerina girl
Because you most likely wouldn’t be “happily” anything there.
Been There
I took a job that did not fit my personality. In the last year of working there, I kept thinking how “soul-less” the job was. It was hard to get out of bed in the morning. I never got any satisfaction out of my work… except the paycheck… which I felt should have been enough. But I was MISERABLE. Two years later, I was resenting the job/firm to my core, and I was depressed. In the last few months, it started affecting the amount of overtime I was willing to work.
Basically, in the firm, if you are not aggressive and make huge sacrifices in order to make the firm money, you will not last. I ended up being asked to leave. Part of me knows it was the economy and the firm is struggling. But part of me knows I wasn’t giving my 100% because I was so miserable.
So A) I wish I had admitted my unhappiness to myself and left before it ended this way and B) I wish I had looked around for a job more suited to me 2 years ago.
Lesson learned: the money isnt always worth it. I’m also a firm believer that you will be great at your job if you enjoy it.
surrounded by lawyers
Looking for some advice on fit for the J. Crew Donegal tweed schoolboy blazer:
http://www.jcrew.com/womens_special_sizes/size00/topsandjackets/PRDOVR~29073/99102073502/ENE~1+2+3+22+4294967294+20~~~0~15~all~mode+matchallany~~~~~donegal%20tweed%20blazer/29073.jsp
It says it’s shrunken–if anyone has tried it on, does this mean you had to go a size up? (I am wondering how “shrunken” it is.) Also, if you’re usually petite, did you find you wanted regular instead? Thanks for any insight…
anon
I went from my usual petite 2 to a regular 0. I found that the sleeves of the petite were too short (although admittedly, I like my sleeves a little long) but more importantly the width of the shoulders and the tops of the sleeves were way too tight. The regular 0 fits in these ways better, but my tailor is taking in the sides and a bit of the bust (I run a 32AA). I have also run into trouble with the jcrew cashmere sweaters, i.e., overly narrow on the shoulders and tight in the sleeves. I am athletic but not overly broad/built, and I wonder whom the company is trying to please. (My teenage daughter had a snarky comment which is not repeatable here.)
surrounded by lawyers
Thanks!
Anonymous
I am very surprised that the First Lady wears J. Crew given the sizing and fit of most of the clothes. For example, you have to be quite small and wiry to look good in matchstick pants. Does the company make any clothes for curves and bigger women?
AIMS
I tried it on & loved it! The green is particularly gorgeous & lush looking! I did not have to size up, and would say that maybe I even sized down as I gained about 5-7 lbs in the last year & thought I would need to go up a size from my usual size as a result, but when I tried a size up, I was swimming in it. I would say you should order the size you normally wear.
*My last 3 sweaters I ordered from Jcrew also had a sizing issue — only 1 fit, the other 2 were way too big, even though all 3 were the same size…
surrounded by lawyers
Your responses are always exceptionally substantive, AIMS. And I’m also keen on the green! I’ll report back.
anon
I find their jackets tight in the shoulders. Granted, I was a former swimmer, but even their regular blazers are tight in the shoulders. Their shrunken ones are downright 2 sizes too small (e.g. I go up a few sizes to get them to fit correctly). I also have a few “shrunken” tweed blazers from them and they generally are short (hit at high hip). Hope that helps.
surrounded by lawyers
hmmm….not seeing a consensus here! :)
anon
PS–if you can’t try on, and live anywhere near a JCREW store, use the red “bat phone” in the store to place your order. That way you get free shipping and can order multiple sizes. Yes, you have to pay your own way to ship back, but Jcrew has return labels that are pretty painless and it’s way better than guessing and paying for shipping.
L
It’s not really shrunken at all – I found it a little boxy even. Only shrunken in the sleeves, if at all (the sleeves were a little short – but I am tall).
SCS
Help! I moved and now have a much smaller closet…and my closet now smells lightly of worn shoes (yes, my worn shoes). I usually leave my shoes out to dry overnight before putting them away, but my closet still smells. Any advice to de-stink this small area? Thanks!
Anonymous
Baking powder – buy two boxes, open the corners, leave in closet corners (unless you have pets that can get into them – in which case, up on a shelf!)
anon c
Empty it out, Febreze it (especially if there’s a carpet), and start putting some Dr. Scholl’s foot powder in your shoes before putting them back in there!
Anonymous
Foot smell is caused by bacteria (just like armpit smell). Febreze or baking powder will mask it but to really get rid of the problem you need to kill the bacteria. If you wear socks with your shoes they should absorb the smell and you’ll get rid of it in the wash. Otherwise, try spraying the insides of your shoes with Lysol or wiping them with alcohol.
MelD
It may be that your closet is a bit damp and that’s causing the shoes to be a bit damp as well. You may want to get damp rid or put a dehumidifier in there from time to time to get rid of excess moisture. This isn’t an uncommon problem if your closet is in or adjacent to the bathroom.
AC
Anyone else feeling blah this week, possibly as a result of the time change? I never put much stock in this theory, but this is my first year of work and it has definitely messed with me this week.
Just Another Anonymous
Yes! Just an hour, but still.
Miriam
Yes! I keep wondering why I am so tired!
sg-b
yes! haven’t been able to make it to the gym, because I’ve barely made it through dinner!!!
public interest attorney
I work at a non-profit as a public interest attorney who provides direct services to folks pro bono. I started here right after law school, and worked for 3 years with this agency.
I am starting to think about my next step, and I am really…. flustered. I like what I do, but I am a bit fed up with running circles around the same incompetent lawyers in court, lack of professionalism (other attorneys/judges), and working within a system that’s completely flawed/unjust sometimes. Also, I do feel that I am taken advantage by my non-profit/not totally appreciated at my current position.
I would like to stay in public interest, but am unsure of my next step. Suggestions on how to get there or help figure it out? I live in the South, in a relatively small public interest law market. I am reluctant to just start applying– as the community is relatively small and it will likely get back to my bosses quickly.
Another Anon
Woo. Tough one.
Well, what do you love, what do you hate? Do you have any transferable skills that could make the transition easier? Do you know anyone who has your ideal job or works in the industry you’d like to research?
The people I know who failed at changing fields either went with their weaknesses (tried to get into public relations but were a bit scary and cold), or did not research the industry well enough and did the frying-pan-fire thing.
The successful ones were all thanks to good networking — which is going to be tough for you, no doubt. Good luck.
Hope this rambling helped a bit. (I’m trying to change fields too. Considered Finance, but Corp’ seems to be against that decision!)
N
I’m definitely feeling more tired in the afternoons and evenings, but I’m taking it as a chance to get up earlier in the mornings and be more productive then. I usually tend to sleep in until the last minute, and this week has been great for waking up half an hour earlier than the clock said I should, and still feel like I got some extra sleep in.
AN
Yes! All my telcons with the US are now EVEN later than before:(
As if 9pm wasn’t bad enough!!
Celia
Has anyone ever rented something from the websites Rent the Runway or Bag, Borrow or Steal? I’m thinking of getting some thing from there for a Christmas party and a New Year’s Party, but don’t know anyone who’s tried them before. Thanks!
AIMS
I haven’t, but would love to hear from anyone who has.
Meantime, there is this:
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/09/technology/09runway.html
Notalawyer
I belonged to Bag, Borrow or Steal for about 6-months. I think I got 2-3 different purses over that time period. I quit because the nicer and more attractive handbags within my range were always gone and never available. To the point where the only ones available to borrow were pretty unattractive. So I quit.
I seem to remember reading that BBOS has had a lot of customer dissatisfaction with former employees coming out and saying that the ownership is a mess. I don’t remember where I found that link (sorry), and maybe ownership has changed or restructured since that time. I just remember reading it and thinking, ‘…Hmmm, that makes sense.”
dm58
I have used it and was very pleased — you can order a dress in two sizes and return the one that doesn’t fit immediately and then wear the other one — love it!
Fiona
I used Rent the Runway last year for my office Christmas party. The service itself is great – I was living in Manhattan at the time, and they have same-day delivery in NYC. I also called their customer service line because I was having trouble placing my order, and they were very nice and helpful.
My critique of the service is the cost. I ordered two different dresses to make sure I had one that worked, and I was really glad I did because my first choice dress did not look good on me At All. (Not RtR’s fault – just not a good fit on me). With two dresses plus delivery, it ended up costing close to $200. There are so many dresses that you can find to buy on Bluefly, Nordstroms, etc., for around that same price point.
I would probably use them again if I were in a pinch and needed a dress at the very last minute. But if you have time to shop in advance, it’s not a great value.
stc
One of my lawschool friends used rent the runway for several events our 3L year-she looked great and was very happy with her experience.
Unemployed Anon
Happy Friday Corporettes!
Some of you may remember me writing in asking about whether I should write back to an interviewer after getting a rejection letter. I just wanted to let you all know what happened.
To fill in a few details – the office I applied to was a local prosecutor’s office. Not the largest in the area, but a mid-sized office. Based on the timing of the request for the interview and what the interviewer said, it seemed like they weren’t interviewing a whole lot of people.
Anyway, I took my dad’s advice and emailed the interviewer the following Monday. I wrote, thanking him for the opportunity to compete for the job, provided an update to my application, and asked his “advice”. I was careful to put in as general terms as possible – not “why didn’t you hire me?”, but more “what advice would you offer as I continue to looking?”
As many suspected, the answer I got wasn’t horribly specific. He stated “We enjoyed meeting you”, “you presented yourself very well” and that he did “not have any advice or suggestions”. He also said he was “sorry it just didn’t work out at this time”, but they would certainly keep me in mind if anything else came available.
Very helpful? Not really. Did I feel a little bit better after reading it? Yep.
On a side note, I wanted to thank those who offered kind words and words of encouragement. Once I got done being upset and feeling sorry for myself, I reminded myself that it’s a really tough market out there and that it (likely) wasn’t a rejection of me personally. I just keep reminding myself of what a judge I worked for during my 3L year said to me shortly after graduation: “It may take a while, but I’m certain it will work out for you eventually.”
Anonymous
It does all work out eventually! I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but you’ll be fine.
eplawyer
Years ago I heard on some style show (it might have been Oprah, don’t hate me), that all your accessories should match. If you have a black purse, your wallet should be black, your business card case should be black, etc.
I have stuck this rule religiously. Because matching looks more professional and together, right?
Well, lately I have been craving some color. I just bought new winter gloves — black because my coat is black. But I really loved the blue ones.
I need a laptop sleeve so I can shove my laptop in my [black] briefbag. I really want a blue one. Please someone tell me that a little color is okay?
TK1
Of course color is OK! Get the laptop cover and those blue gloves too.
Another Anon
Yes! Red is a great choice, so is fuchsia.
Anonymous
I don’t think it has to match insofar as it has to be all the same color. It has to go together, though. Don’t get a green wallet and an orange card case and a purple handbag. But a black coat with brightly colored gloves is lovely so long as the gloves don’t clash with your scarf or hat. I normally match my gloves and my hat in a color that complements my coat and scarf.
dd
This!
an0n
oooh, i kind of like the idea of green +orange+ purple! seriously, ladies, quit being so afraid of having a personality. the world will never change if you keep playing by the rules. BREAK SOME ALREADY. go for color.
anonymous
totally agree!!!!!
Anonymous
I used to stick by this rule. The thing with having everything black is that it makes it hard to find things in your purse in low light! I recently had to get a new wallet and found a great one in a very light beige/biscuit color at Coach and realized I really like having something that’s not black. I think it’s fine and shows more personality to have accessories that go together but are not necessarily matching.
Go For It!
I’d say go for the color! I think the rule that everything has to match is outdated. I’d say now the rule is that things should coordinate, but not match. (I do think black is an exception to this, so I’m sure your black coat, gloves, etc. look good together.)
Go For It!
This was (obviously) meant to be a response to eplawyer. I got so excited about assuring her that matching wasn’t necessary that I failed to check “REPLY.”
Apparently a Purple Fan
I have a black coat and my main work purse is black. But I have purple gloves. And a purple laptop sleeve. And come to think of it, a purple wallet. Ha, at least I’m consistent in my taste over the years. My business card case is silver. I always have color accessories because it’s impossible to find a black object in a black bag. Plus, too much of my wardrobe is black already, so I really need color accessories so I don’t look like I’m going to a funeral.
Wear what makes you happy, eplaywer. Take back the black gloves and get some blue ones. Get the blue laptop sleeve. Get whatever you want. As long as your accessories are in the same color family and/or complementary, you can mix colors too – see Marc Jacobs’s lines. I think that some of the most professional looking women are the ones who are successfully mixing colors. Someone recently referenced a yellow bag, red shoes, blue belt outfit which sounded awesome. I bet she rocked it.
Anon
Ok, so this is embarrassing, so I’m anonymous for this one. Here goes. I’ve lately noticed that my pants get a little… “moist”, if you know what I mean … in the crotch region throughout the day. I never used to have this problem, so maybe my hormones/body chemistry is changing? Anyway, I like to wear my clothes a few times between washings, both because I’m lazy and to preserve the life of the garment. But I’m wondering if that’ s possible any more? Does anyone have advice about how to avoid my new problem — like, are there baby powder-type products that are useful for this, or do I need to start wearing pantyliners all the time? Should I be buying pants made of a different material to improve breathability? FWIW, I have good hygiene, I swear, and shower daily and wash “down there.” It’s not making a difference.
BTW, I hate the word “moist.” The fact that I’ve used it here tells exactly how I feel about my situation.
Anon as well
To make you feel a little better, I’ve noticed myself occassionally having this *ahem* problem as well. Generally, I find that it gets worse when it’s hot and humid out. What’s the weather like where you are now?
I know this is WAY TMI… but is there an odor? If so, it’s possible that you have an infection – maybe it could be yeast or bacterial vaginosis. If this is the case, a switch to more breathable cotton underwear couldn’t hurt.
Other than that, panyliners may help (though I would avoid the scented kind – that smell is a bit strong and I’ve known a few women to have reactions *down there* to the perfume chemicals) and possibly a chat w/ your gyno if it persists.
Anon for now, too
Our bodies do change with time, diet and climate. I’m pre-menopausal and can’t believe how much my nether regions have changed in terms of discharge, sweating, etc. It is so awkward to ask friends if they are going through the same thing!
I second the above reply that if you are having any off odors, check with your gyno. In my early 30’s, I went through a phase where I had a yeast infection about four times a year. It was so frustrating, but there is a “take one time and forget it” pill for candida.
Now I’ve taken to wearing pantyliners much more that I used to. They are cheap, easy to change, don’t show, and keep your pants fresher longer. It can offer you some peace of mind, as well.
Take comfort in knowing that this, too, shall probably pass. Hang in there and be grateful we have this anonymous, caring community!
Anonymous
I think your pants are too tight if the moisture is coming through your underwear (or perhaps your underwear is too skimpy). Your underwear should totally cover the vaginal area and your pants should have some breathing room between the underpants and pants.
Is the moisture sweat or some sort of discharge? If the former, you should switch to breathable, cotton underwear. Crotch sweat is pretty normal – definitely a problem I’ve had before. If the latter, you should see your gynocologist, because it’s not normal for to have such heavy discharge and you should have any changes like this checked out.
Anonymous
Should say it’s not normal for *you to have such heavy discharge. It may be normal for some people. It’s just that a change like this should get checked out.
L
What kind of discharge? A yeast infection can cause some…or you might be someone who has more discharge according to what time of the month it is. Also, not to make you nervous, but when I was pregnant I had a lot more discharge than normal, and did wear pantiliners (lightdays) most days bc otherwise I would have had to change my underwear halfway through the day.
Ann
Are you wearing cotton underwear? I find it helps with breathability.
houda
Second this one, cotton underwear is much better than synthetic especially moving to a generous style like brief or shorty isntead of thong. Pantyliners help too
Anonymous
I have had this problem for a long time. Wearing pantiliners protects my clothes but I got a rash from wearing them all the time and my gyno finally told me to stop. Pantiliners have a plastic backing, so even though the front is absorbent, the back stops airflow. Also, a lot of the commercial brands are made with bleached cotton and the bleaching can cause problems for some people.
I take baths every night, not too hot, with no bubble bath or other bath additives (I do use a salt-based muscle soak sometimes if I’m sore from working out) and it seems to help a little. I don’t wear cotton underwear with work clothes – I wear microfiber boyshorts from Target – but I do try to wear cotton as much as possible in my off time, usually switching underwear when I take off my work clothes when I get home in the evening. I also sleep commando and wear different sleep pants every night.
I have been tested multiple times for every condition under the sun and it’s not yeast, trichomonaisis, any kind of bacterial infection, etc. Mine tends to get better and then worse with my cycle so my gyno concluded it’s hormonal, and there’s not much we can do. One thing she did recommend was trying those washable organic cotton maxi pads on heavier days – you can find them on eco-friendly websites and at Whole Foods. I tried one kind and felt like I was wearing a diaper and haven’t tried a different kind, but it’s a suggestion you might try.
Ultimately I have just decided I am not the person who is going to get 4 wears out of one pair of pants/jeans and just try to plan around it. :)
Anon
OP here. Thank you everyone for your helpful and nonjudgmental responses. It’s wonderful to hear I am not alone. Fortunately, it is not an infection but does appear to vary by my cycle. I have been wearing Victoria’s Secret briefs (the kind that are not supposed to show panty lines). They are not cotton, and I wonder if this switch has been exacerbating the problem, so I will try switching back and keeping a supply of pantyliners on hand.
C
Now that the weather is cooler I’ve been wearing pantyhose several times a week when I wear skirts/dresses, which got me wondering what type of underwear do most of you wear under your hose? what keeps things looking the most smooth for you? Personally I find thongs to be the best, most comfortable.
Anonymous
Hanes makes a really comfy microfiber panty. I think the line is called Barely There and you can get at it Target, Walmart, etc. It’s definitely my favorite for a smooth look.
Anonymous
I am a HUGE fan of the Hanes microfiber boy shorts. I pretty much wear them exclusively.
L
I always wear thong or g-string, usu the lace side ones from vicky’s. The lace sides mean they don’t cut in (like string sides might) or show through. I wear them with pants or with skirts/hose/tights.
anon
gulp. Am I the only one who doesn’t wear underpants with tights and hose???
Anonymous
I really think you might be. Isn’t that super uncomfortable in terms of … riding up?
anon for this one
….and can’t this lead to infections etc?
anon
nope! no infections. :) it’s not like anything is getting up in there, or that my nethers are blowing in the breeze. They do have a built-in crotch. I think that I go sans panties because I grew up dancing (ballet, dance troupes, dance companies, etc) and you never wear underpants with tights in dance, so I naturally extended it to whenever I wear tights or hose. They never ride up and I think it’s more comfortable going without them (when wearing tights) than having a wad of underwear stuck under there! v. interesting!
Another Sarah
^^For a long time I didn’t wear underwear underneath my hose/tights either because of this. After an embarrassing episode in the 4th grade, however, I quit not wearing underwear under my tights cold turkey. :-)
Celia
I sometimes go without, but only if the tights that I’m wearing are dark colored and have a control top, since like that even if there is an nightmare moment – accidentally flashing someone as I sit down in the subway, the breeze lifting my dress, whatever – the dark color and thickness of the control top and panty area would hide the fact that I’m not wearing underwear. I find the control top feels like wearing underwear, so I’m not uncomfortable or self conscious.
BUT I would never go commando with no control top (it would feel like wearing nothing at all and probably distract me a ton), or if it was really warm outside. I don’t think wearing the pantyhose alone is unsanitary, since I assume you wash them each time just like you do with underwear, and they provide full but breathable coverage. But when it’s really warm, pantyhose tend to overheat, and constricted, sweaty clothing is a recipe for a very uncomfortable yeast infection. So in summer when I have to wear pantyhose, I wear the non-control top variety with seamless underwear.
Anon
Not the only one. If you buy the right size tights there is no riding up (I’ve experimented, and find it way more uncomfortable to have your undies all bunched up in there, trapped by the pantyhose).
MelD
When I wear shapewear, I don’t wear underpants with them. I do with hose, but I buy the cheap kind that doesn’t really have the built-in crotch.
Anonymous
No, I had a conversation about this with a few girlfriends once and a couple of them admitted to not wearing it.
JAS
My grandmother wears a fresh pair of pantyhose almost every single day, including under jeans, with no undies. Personally, I think it depends on if the crotch of the hose is sufficiently soft/breathable to be comfortable.
AE
How would wearing an extra layer or underwear help this if the hose pantyliner weren’t breathable? I always thought only children wore underwear under their tights and pantyhose. If you are wearing the right size they don’t ride up, and if you buy hose that aren’t rock bottom cheap, more sizes are available (i.e. they have an A and a B and not just an AB).
Anon S
Nope, I just don’t see the need
C
I had no idea that so many actually do wear pantyhose without anything underneath. I think I am going to try it next time. Good points by those who said as long as they are the right size and have the crotch why bother wearing anything else. Guaranteed no panty lines this way, I like it.
Nora
I make sure to shower every day and to take a bubble bath every Saturday morning. This way, there is never much chance for me to get to sweaty down there and I can be confident I am clean if I invite my BF to spend the nite Saturday, he can sleep over until Sunday morning without me worrying about being unfresh. But be very carful not to use the feminine hygiene products b/c they can cause a very rash reaction.
ADS
This makes me sad.
anon
why would that make you sad?
there may or may not be more trolls, and this may or may not have been a trolling comment (nora’s, i mean), but i don’t understand what about it could make you sad.
Id.
I think, and I might be projecting here, that its the need to do that for the bf. Not that there is anything wrong with it, but I noticed in the bathing thread, which was almost unreadable, that there were many comments like I have to do this for my bf, etc. It just had a tone of “have to” instead of “want to.” Ans I’m wondering if thats what ADS meant and found sad. Or just that posts like this are becoming more common made her sad.
anon
i was assuming that that was the idea behind the comment too, but didn’t want to be the only one who came away with that assumption.
here’s the thing:
my boyfriend is the BIGGEST hippie on the planet. he couldn’t care less if i shower, shave, wear deodorant, pee/poop in front of him…whatever, it’s all “natural” and he’s happy to go to town no matter what.
but that doesn’t mean *i* want him to see me like that! it doesn’t make me any less of a woman, enlightened or no. it’s just a personal preference. there are plenty of hangups to have about sex; let’s not judge people for the ones they do have.
ADS
Basically this: the idea that unless you soak your genitalia in hot, perfumed soap you’re not fit to be naked around your boyfriend. Just reeks to me (pun intended) of internalized misogyny.
And I understand the comment about the hippie boyfriend – my husband is the same way, and I still prefer to keep the bathroom a mystery. However, I’ve never felt like I needed to destroy my own natural body chemistry and leave myself prone to infection in order to be “clean enough” for him.
I’m not trying to beat someone up for a hang up, which is why I didn’t say “What’s wrong with you, don’t you know you are doing it WRONG?” But it does make me sad that there are still women in the world who feel this way.
CC
I feel like there has been a lot of trolls lately, or at the very least weird comments pertaining to stuff like this. A high increase in sexual talk that if I’m reading at work have to scroll by very quickly.
anon
Agreed. It worries me that this site is becoming like all the other places on the internet (remember when ATL had thoughtful intelligent discussions?) And the troll(s) have definitely found this place, unfortunately. Betwen that and the comment haters who jump on anyone who breaks their “rules,” and the … nature … of certain of the topics that come up, it’s getting harder to read at work and less fun when I do.
And I don’t think I’m the only one – it seems that there’s been a huge down-tick in comments and quality conversations lately, and I’m not sure they aren’t related.
anon
it’s funny that this is considered trollish behavior for yall. not to trivialize that the comments are more difficult to read at work or whatnot, but…if this IS trolling, it’s the most boring troll i’ve ever encountered.
it ALMOST makes me wish we could get some 4chan /b/ action in here, just to liven the trolling up! ;)
CC
Right, that’s why I’m hesitant to call it trolling per se, but maybe it is and they are trying to make it subtle enough to get by Kat. But there has def. been an uptick in weird/sexual comments
Anon101
How can you tell it’s a troll? Is it because of the spelling mistakes? Or content? Or both?
CC
The content, lately in every thread there has been a slightly weird/off comment like this
Celie
Agreed.
AN
Is it just me, or does Nora sound an awful lot like “Laura”…?
CC
agree
TK1
Was thinking the exact same thing
AE
I don’t get it. Who’s Laura?
Anon
There’s a frequent poster named “Laura” but some folks think (and they may be right…hard to tell) that a troll used “Laura” as a screen name this past week. Either that or the person who used “Laura” was feeling weird that day.
I agree it’s getting less fun to read with troll-type replies.
Kat
sorry guys — I’m trying to set up a “flag comment” system but having tech problems. I’ll keep at it!
ST
I just sat down to make a list of holiday gift recipients and possible gift ideas. This has left me with a sudden case of holiday blues. My list isn’t even that long, because most of my family goes in together and draws names. It’s not even Thanksgiving and it’s already starting…
KZ
I’m just feeling slightly panicked/annoyed by the fact decorations are up already in stores. I’ve got two months, stores! two months, I tell you! Just give me until Thanksgiving.
N
I was in London last month, and around October 13th, the Christmas decorations were up on Oxford street, and Christmas stuff had started appearing in the stores. Too early.
LInLondon
Tell me about it! Trouble is, saying “But it’s not even Thanksgiving yet!” doesn’t really work on English people :)
divaliscious11
I get it in London, its the next big thing, in the States, however…..
anon for this one
I’d really appreciate some advice from the high achieving corporette caucus.
I’m relatively new in a new post (private practice, lateral, mid-level move). My move was a real success I think, but obviously moving is always stressful in terms of change, learning new systems, meeting new people, making a good impression, proving yourself afresh, etc etc. Anyway, I find that I am really tired all the time and don’t have energy or motivation to do much else. Including go to the gym, which is a self-perpetuating problem, because I know that exercise gives me energy. At weekends, it’s more of the same, I have a strong desire to hibernate at home and am being really lazy with making plans with friends (I do so, but if I am honest, I have to force myself a little bit).
I don’t think i have any medical issue – I am getting between 7.5 and 8.5 hours of sleep per day and I don’t feel *exhausted* or sick, just tired and kind of like I don’t have any extra energy to do anything.
Does anyone have experience of this feeling? How do you break out of it?
Thanks
Nan
I was there. But don’t worry. It will go away. I moved to DC for a clerkship, and was facing a lot of new things. It was overwhelming — new job, new location, new apartment, no family, no boyfriend. Some find that complete change to be exciting and exhilirating, but I felt overwhelmed, so I went into my shell, so to speak, like you are doing and gained about 8 pounds (ugh). But it did not last. Very shortly, I got used to my new environment, met a few nice people in my apartment complex and before I knew it, it got much better. I stayed focused on my job, and kept a few nerdy guys at bay who wanted me to date them.
Celia
It may be nonetheless be an underlying medical thing – such as a vitamin deficiency – that you hadn’t noticed before, but now that you are stressed out is affecting your body more. Maybe try adding a multivitamin and upping the amount of omega 3-6-9 in your diet. You might also just get a simple blood test. A friend of mine had something similar last year (feeling lackluster and low-energy for no clear identifiable reason), and it turned out to amenia – which is really common in women, especially as they get past their 20s. Taking an iron supplement every day has made her feel like her old self again.
Also, are you in an area where it feels like winter has truly arrived? It may just be a slight case of seasonal depression, and you’re just more affected by it than usual because of your other stressors. You might look into a UV light and some plants in your living areas/work area, and if you have the time, making yourself exercise a little bit every day to naturally raise your endorphin levels.
I hope you start feeling better soon! In any case – I think feeling more stressed is a natural part of being in a new position. Find someone who is outside of your professional world that you can confide in – that’s what old friends are for!
anon
I’ve had this experience after moving, especially after my most recent move to an entirely new city where I don’t know anyone. Once I get settled in a place, it usually gets better, but it takes a while.
Anonymous
I understand what you’re saying about your job, but this is worth checking out with your doctor. There are a lot of medical conditions where the only initial symptom is fatigue. This can range from a mononucleosis infection, to hypothyroidism, to low blood pressure, to pregnancy, to things like cancer and MS. One of my friends had ongoing problems with fatigue that she chalked up to having a demanding life (she was a magazine reporter and had twins) – then she started having neurological symptoms, and a few weeks ago she was diagnosed with MS. I’m not saying that’s what you are going to experience, just that persistent fatigue is more serious than I think a lot of us realize.
Schedule/lifestyle adjustments do take time, but if you’re getting a normal amount of sleep, and you still feel lethargic, I think it’s worth a quick trip to the doc just to see if they have any ideas. There can also be things happening that we think of as “that’s life” but are actually concurrent symptoms that mean something to a doctor. They can do some bloodwork and a physical and maybe give you some ideas about how to feel better. Not trying to be alarmist, but sometimes it’s good to let things go and see if it gets better, and sometimes not. This to me seems like something to check out. Good luck. :)
houda
I am going through this too. I’ll just read comments and see if I can get some advice
Ru
I went through something similar and I finally went to the doctor because I couldn’t get over my lethargy…short while later, found out that I needed (and had) surgery. Doesn’t hurt to get a routine checkup and bloodwork.
Lost3L
What do you do when it seems that someone has a personal vendetta against you? I have absolutely no idea what happened. I don’t even remember him from first year, we had a class together last year and he was very rude to me throughout (rolling his eyes when I spoke up, sighing loudly, etc. Participation was 20% of the grade, so I had to volunteer. He also rolled his eyes at the judge who taught the class.) At journal elections, he flat out said he could never work with me (keep in mind, at that time, I didn’t even really know him. I have no idea what he knows about me.)
Now, we’re both in executive postitions on the journal. The 2Ls love me for the most part. Generally, I have no trouble working with people/networking/other social things. But he and I have had run in after run in. He turned the editor working on my article (it’s being published this issue) against me. It has been very stressful.
I’m afraid his personal vendetta will follow me for life since we are both headed towards a very specialized area of law in a mid-sized city where it seems everyone knows everyone and everyone asks “what do you think about X.”
How do I fix this? I’ve tried directly saying “I don’t know what happened, but I think we can put whatever it is behind us and just work together.” But he’s still absolutely horrible. And if one of the judges I work/have worked/will work for (yes, there are multiple in this district) or a practitioner I know through networking asks me about him, what do I say? They’ve asked me about other people on the journal, so it could happen.
Nan
I think he’s either jealous of you (competition) and realizes he will never be as good as you, or he wants to sleep with you but can’t get up the nerve to ask you out so he pretends he hates you to get your attention (which he has). Once you try to play nice with this guy and he rebuffs you, the only thing to do is stay away from him. People will recognize him for being a hotheaded jerk, and you will be successful, even if he is not one on your friend’s list.
Lawyr Chk
Regarding your last question, I would personally feel perfectly fine saying something like. “X and I are acquaitances. I’m sure he does good work, but I’d prefer not to work closely alongside him due to personality conflicts.” And leave it at that.
When I was in law school, I too had a fairly heated conflict with another of our executive editors (also a male)–I certainly hope not to run into him professionally (we practice different areas of law in different states) but given the background, I would make it more than clear if my firm were considering hiring him that there are some strong reasons not to hire him.
anon - chi
Be careful about telling people you have “personality conflicts” with someone unless you know the person you are speaking to very well. Someone who doesn’t know you well may assume that YOU are the problem. I had the same thing happen – a girl who seemed to HAAAATE me in law school for no reason I could fathom. I was asked about her once as a practicing attorney. I acknowledged knowing her, and when pressed for more info I think I just said that I would prefer not to speak negatively of her behind her back.
Louise
If you honestly can’t figure out what his animosity toward you is about, the best you can do is be cordial and neutral about him in all situations. This will never make you look bad, whereas his eye-rolling and sighing, even if only toward you, will make him seem like the one with a problem.
Sometimes personalities just clash. There is one woman I work with occasionally who just makes me batty. I can feel my blood pressure sky rocket when she is in the room. I asked a few close friends about how they feel about her and they said, “Meh. She’s odd, but doesn’t bother me.” If I act agitated around her, it really looks like my problem because it is.
Try not to take it personally.
Anonymous
Maybe I’m more confrontational than everyone else who responded, but I’d flat out ask him what his problem is. Ask politely, e.g. “I’ve noticed you sometimes seem hostile toward me. Did I ever offend you? I honestly don’t recall, but I’m sorry if I did.” If that doesn’t cause him to calm down, then just be an ice queen around him, and never bad mouth him to others.
Ann
The best thing you can do is be neutral, be professional, and just try to avoid working with him as much as possible. In conflicts like this, it is the person who cannot maintain control over their emotions that is the loser, every time. If you are completely calm and professional and he is making disparaging comments, rolling his eyes, and generally acting like a jackass, believe me, it will be clear to those around you where the problem lies. In terms of future problems – anyone who actively trashes an ex-colleague or ex-classmate openly, and in an emotional way, to me is someone I am immediately suspicious of, as that is completely unprofessional. If you are ever asked about him, I would stick to the facts, give an honest opinion of his work, and try to stay away from talking about the personal conflict. There’s that old saying about “damning with faint praise” and that is usually the way to handle people like this.
Louise is right – sometimes this just happens between people, and I have found that as time goes on, it seems to happen more, as people have more of an orientation towards personal individuality and less towards teamwork. Your reputation will not suffer if you can maintain your professionalism. And believe me, people like this generally can’t keep it contained and do more to sabotage themselves than anyone could ever do to them. There’s no need to plot about where to stick the knife in, because all you need to do is let them pay out enough rope to hang themselves. Keep yourself above reproach and you’ll eventually watch him crash and burn because of his own attitude and hubris. Good luck.
JessC
If you get asked about him, be polite, professional, and vague. Personally, I like the idea of “damning with faint praise”. Try something like “Oh, he was on Journal with me and I think we had a class or two together. He seems like a good/decent/nice guy.”
I’ve recently been where you are with a male ex-classmate. For Halloween, I went out with the guy and some friends. During the course of the night, he got really drunk and decided that it was his place to comment on my 3 year relationship with my boyfriend. To sum up, his comments were rude, disrespectful, and proved that he is an arrogant ass. After that I decided I did not need to be spending time around him.
Well, about 2 weeks later I went to a happy hour hosted by a local young lawyer’s association. I met a guy who happens to work at the firm that my ex-classmate recently started at. When asked about him, I said something like “Yeah, I graduated with him. He’s a good attorney.”
While a few of our former classmates are aware of what happened (people that I’ve stayed close friends with), there’s no need to go trash talking to strangers.
Anon
I agree with what everyone has said about this being his problem. Just be civil and let his ridiculous behavior be ridiculous.
About your last question, I think it depends on the context. When you say that an attorney or judge might ask you about him, do you mean that they might ask, “Do you know Tom Jones?” or do you mean that they might ask, “Tom Jones applied to work at my firm, what do you think about him?” If it’s the former, I’d just say, “Yes, I work with him on X Journal. Aren’t these appetizers lovely?” Or something like that. Definitely don’t say anything negative. If it’s a question like the second, I think you should take the “faint praise” approach. “We work together on X Journal. He’s a nice guy. Aren’t these appetizers lovely?”
I think that as a student or a newbie in the field, it’s really not appropriate to say something negative about someone else. As an anecdote, I was having lunch with a partner at a firm where I was a summer associate. A summer from the previous term came in the restaurant and said hi and struck up a brief conversation. When the partner asked previous summer about the place she was working now, previous summer said something that was really not bad, but was vaguely negative. When previous summer left, the partner looked at me and said, “Wow. She has no filter.” I know that situation is different from what you’re dealing with bc it was a criticism of an entire law firm, but I would really be wary of making comments that could come across as negative unless you are very close with the asker.
Anon
If you can find a neutral one-line mantra about him, then use it if someone asks about him: “His editing skills are very good.” Or even, “Ah, we worked on the journal together!” with a bright smile keeps things positive but doesn’t actually *say* anything.
Re: dealing with him in person – it might be time to find one of those cheesy self-help books on boundaries or toxic people or the like. Sometimes they can offer really good strategies for dealing with the interpersonally challenged. I would not show any weakness, however, such as suggesting you might have offended him or the like – if he rolls his eyes at a judge who is his instructor, and already has some kind of grudge against you, he’s unlikely to be reasonable if you offer him an olive branch.
Some men (and, to be sure, some women) are entitled, egomaniacal jerks, and the best defense may be a solid, steely offense.
naijamodel
I really like the idea of the one-liner. I think if all you do is admit to knowing him and mention the journal, people will get the drift.
I personally wouldn’t say he was “nice” / “good”. I think it’s an endorsement of character, albeit a fairly generic one.
E
Agree. I honestly wouldn’t offer faint praise using words like nice or good. I’d indicate that you know who he is through whatever journal or activity and say that you’re not able to comment on the quality of his work or haven’t worked with him closely enough to have anything to say about the quality of his work.
Lost3L
Thanks for the advice everyone! I’ve been trying the ice queen/avoid at all costs for a few months and it works most of the time, but this week it was impossible. And as tempting as it is to be honest and let people know what he’s like when they ask me, I’ll bite my tongue. I really like the one-liner idea.
Parisienne
You can always say that someone has treated you rudely without fear of legal repercussions. But I would not go beyond that rather neutral remark.
I was once in a legal field where I was receiving referrals from doctors in a certain specialty. One prominent doctor started giving me negative referrals, i.e.: “Do not use….”. I quickly heard about this through the grapevine. I called him and asked him to lunch. He said yes. Over food, I asked him please not to mention me in the furutre. I explained the work I was doing and the trouble he was causing me. We parted amicably and he started making referrals to me – a lot.
The interesting coda to this story is that years later he lost his medical licence for something really serious (that had b een going on for a long time)and I read about it in the New York Times.
Also, I am concerned that people are using this as a forum for their medical concerns. Is that really appropriate? I realize that doctors and nurses do not always have the answers to our questions, but isn’t this a signal that a change of doctors may be in order?
Another Sarah
Re: using this as a forum for medical concerns…From what I’ve seen, many of the medical concerns are of the “should I get this checked out” type – before going to a doctor. As many of them are rather embarrassing or private situations, some may not feel comfortable talking to some of their friends about it face to face. Or it could be something that friends may not have experienced yet. I know when my first friend got pregnant and she was telling me about it, I wasn’t super supportive – it felt like I was on an episode of “16 and Pregnant,” when we were 25. It’s a lot easier to change your moniker (as we don’t really know each other anyway) and get completely anonymous feedback from other women who, because it’s completely anonymous, also feel more comfortable talking about it, their experiences, and giving support. :-)
DepressedAnon
Hi :)
I would love to hear from corporettes who have been severely depressed and are better. I really need to believe that professionally and personally, life can take a drastic turn for the better.
Because I know you all are smart and will ask, lol:
I’ve been depressed for over a year following law school graduation and the rescission of my offer. Due to complicated series of events, I’m back in graduate school and as far as grades go, you can’t tell that I’m a mess.
I’m very isolated from my friends and family and I’ve found it very difficult to make new ones – partly because of the nature of my new community and partly because it takes a LOT of energy for me to keep it together in front of others.
I have a longterm counselor and a new psychiatrist and I’ve been on antidepressants for a few months. The frequency of my crying and “overwhelmed” episodes has reduced, but I still feel the future is quite bleak.
Any stories would help. Thank you!
Anonymous
I was very ill as a graduate student in architecture school. My illness is permanent but usually just a small fact, a small facet, of life… in a-school ( a pressure cooker of pressuring pressure, which I’ll bet your school is, too) I was sick sick sick. Depressed and *struggling* mentally and physically. Like you, my grades did not reflect this. I worked so hard to get done what needed doing, well, like I bet you are, too. Personally, though, I was in so much pain, round-the-clock, in my bones, in my soul pain. I sought extra help from docs and counselors, like you bravely have. At the worst of it, I squeezed in a trip to the shrink daily, to appease those watching over me that I was being responsible and safe and assure all I should be allowed to finish the studies and do the work that was so important to me, though stressful. Obviously, the extra help was helping me, too– it wasn’t just checking the safety block but providing a vent and counsel for me. I’m glad you are getting this counsel, too, and being as gentle on yourself as you can. I never missed a day of class or a deadline or a skipped an intellectual beat. I hurt, but I achieved. I graduated, I fought through the dark days, and slowly the sun came out for me, over years, the desperation faded and I grew stronger. So slowly I don’t know when, couldn’t chart it, but… today I am so truly happy. Not the copacetic phony cheer I projected i school to get through, but truly, round the clock, in my bones, in my soul happy. Not that this is the only sort of happy ending, but I am married to the man of my dreams (he even follows a pattern a shrink had me make up for dream man back in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy days) I could never have thought real, he is good to me, I am good to myself, and to him, and I use my degree everyday, in my dream job. There are many sorts of happy endings but I believe that you will have one– you are working hard towards a future to love everyday, both in class and within yourself. Surround yourself with kindness and security by allowing yourself to accept love from loved ones and attention from qualified, paid professionals alike. And most of all, love and attention from your own sweet, smart self. Keep working, but listen to yourself, and cut yourself some slack when you need it. Good things are coming, both from you and for you.
anon - chi
Thanks for sharing that. I’m not the OP, but this is a heart-warming story and I’m happy for you. :-)
DepressedAnon
God bless you for sharing.
What you said about your husband really touched me in particular. My counselor has had me write a “wish-list” for my dream man and I don’t believe it’s possible right now! It will be so great to be proven wrong, lol!
Also, its good to hear that other people “put on a brave face” for the public. I’ve been scared it might be hampering my progress, but I honestly can’t see any other way to function.
Thank you.
Anon again
I was extremely depressed after my divorce, even though I was the one who initiated it. I had recently changed careers and dropped out of graduate school (no need for the degree in new line of work.) The feeling of having failed or quit too many things was just overwhelming. If it wasn’t for a very sympathetic boss, I would have probably killed myself.
Therapy helped, anti-depressants helped, but mostly just the passage of time helped. It was over 2 years before the crying stopped. But my life is so much better now. I understand my wants and needs and can make changes to get those fulfilled without being sent into a tailspin again. You WILL get better and you WILL learn really important things about yourself at the end of all this.
I wish a sweet, satisfying future life for you, and that the future comes very soon! Hang in there.
DepressedAnon
Thank you! I definitely feel overwhelmed by failure, but I plan to hang on as hard as I can :)
Again, it is good to KNOW things have improved for others.
Amy H.
Please do try not to feel that having had an offer rescinded offer is any kind of failure on your part. The near-collapse of the entire world economy really cannot be laid on your shoulders, I promise! :)
I do realize how easy it is to take things like that very personally. My husband, who is a real estate lawyer, was laid off from a NYC law firm several months after 9/11. To this day, he slips back into feeling like he got laid off because of something he did wrong, or failed to do, or that it was a reflection of his lack of skill or talent in his field. But there weren’t ***any*** real estate deals happening after 9/11! He can understand that logically, but like I said, nonetheless falls back into thinking of his year or so of unemployment as a personal failure.
Please, please, please know you have not failed and are not a failure!!
Amy H.
(Sorry for the extra “offer” in the first sentence.)
Also, as I occasionally remind him — that year when he was unemployed was the year we met! And he is now in a terrific place professionally as well, having forged his way back to a big firm job through some temporary placements, tiny boutique firm jobs and in-house jobs.
Anon101
The best advice I ever got for dealing with depression was to spend time helping others– somehow making a difference in other people’s lives puts your own life into perspective. I know it’s hard to work up the motivation, but you will benefit so much from it. Find a cause you are passionate about and make time for it every week.
Happy Now
I had a bleak period in my late 20s…. had left an emotionally abusive relationship, in which the bf had isolated me from my friends, so I had virtually no friends, family was far away and had no idea about the relationship difficulties (which, at the time, felt like a failure on my part). Had difficult roommates, and a noisy apartment. Left a great job – the one thing that was going well for me – for an apparently better job, that turned out to be ‘out of the frying pan and into the fire’ in terms of abusive situations. In desperation, I went to therapy, and ended up feeling worse… swore off therapy for a decade, even though I knew I needed it.
A few things helped me feel better: spending a LOT of time outdoors was very healing, and allowed me to actively meditate on what I wanted out of life and what was getting in my way of getting it. I spent a lot of time alone in those years. I read self-help books. Eventually, I took up Ashtanga/ Vinyasa yoga with which I credit a large part of my sanity these days. After a lot of soul searching (and, truly, prayer), I figured out a career path that is incredibly fulfilling, stimulating and exciting for me, and makes use of my particular skills and gifts. And finally, I found a *good* therapist who has helped me immensely. I finished multiple graduate degrees, found an amazing job, and married an incredible man, who is sweeter than I ever imagined to be possible!
Keep putting one foot in front of the other, celebrate small successes, let the people who can help you do so, and maybe consider yoga, prayer, and adjusting your diet if you haven’t already. The grey-ness will clear, and the sun will shine again. Hang in there!
Hang in there
So sorry to hear that you are feeling down. Have you thought about getting a pet? Being around a dog has always lifted up my spirits because they are so loving and selfless. Also, having a dog forces you to go outside and take walks, and it always boosts my spirits to be outside.
I have also found that hanging out with a few close girlfriends helps me get in a better mood. Even just having coffee or dinner with a girlfriend from time to time helps me immensely.
Sending you good thoughts and wishes. :)
Nicole
I wanted to post a question about the trend of wearing socks with high heels. I keep seeing this in the magazines, but I’m a 35 year old consultant and I’m finding it rather hard to believe this is a trend to which I should subscribe. Any thoughts? Or advice on cool trends in which you are participating?
lawyerette
If you want to do this on the weekend, I don’t see why not. It’s a bit “grungy” but can look cute if done well. But for work, in your field — big no, IMO. In general I don’t do “cool trends” at work. I’m not really a trendy person anyway so I hardly do them anywhere so maybe I’m not the best example.
Anonymous
It’s a young and trendy look and therefore would cause you not to look serious at the office. But on the weekend, go for it if you want. Why not?
K
I’ve actually gotten much more careful about which trends I join even on the weekend — particularly after learning (right after a yoga class, unfortunately) that a judge I appear before frequently shops at the same grocery store I do. I live in a small enough city that I just can’t count on not running into clients, colleagues, etc., on the weekends. I did decide that leggings are okay, with all the caveats regarding rear coverage, but that’s about as risky as I’ve gotten so far.
Nicole
I will admit I’m probably not cool enough (or young enough) to pull off the socks and high heels look. I’m tempted to do something a little more subtle like the dark “vamp” nail polish (with very short nails) or some great looking boots for more business casual days. I enjoy fashion, but I do agree with the philosophy you don’t want people to think your clothes are more interesting than you are.
Working Mom
What are blogs do you subscribe and read on a regular basis?
Another Anon
Dlisted.
Ms. Basil E. Frankweiler
A Year of Slow Cooking
D
Half Assed Kitchen
Unclutterer
Lowering the Bar
JD
http://www.younghouselove.com
k
smittenkitchen, pioneer woman cooks, design sponge, apartment therapy, deal book, what I wore, eater and any of the blogs on nymag’s website
also, for political commentary, feministing and racialicious
AE
Where do you find the time for all this? I’m envious.
Ru
2birds1blog
Help, Please
Today I am going to a lunch at a private home hosting a famous children’s author. I have never been to something like this before. Any suggestions what to wear? I don’t want to wear my usual work clothes on a Sunday, but I think jeans will be too casual.
Working Mom
This is coming from someone who’s lived in Atlanta for many years (very metropolitan, but still the South – so, my comment will reflect the culture in which I live) and I would probably go for a dress. I have a button down the front shirt dress with a belt which is always a good balance between a suit and jeans. If you’re going for jeans, I would pair them with a blazer, great shoes, and a scarf.
Who’s the author?
Help, Please
Thank you for the great advice. The author is Lois Lowry.
v
Wow, I’m jealous – I loved her books when I was a kid!
j
I second the shirtdress idea, they always look so nice. Also, I hope you had a great time! Lois Lowry was one of my favorites as a kid.
Parisienne
Am I wrong in thinking that good black pants and a nice top can be worn anywhere – anytime – and you will always look good? The clothes in Morning Glory are a good guidepost.
k
I am closer to Rachel McAdam’s age, but damn did Diane Keaton look well-dressed and flawlessly professional in that movie!
advice
OT but….parisienne: please don’t take this in a snarky way, but in a HELPFUL way; the “reply” button is a good thing. hitting reply keeps comments nested and gives your comments some context. it also helps the OP actually see your reply.
and this isn’t specific to parisienne, there are several commenters who, i guess, just haven’t noticed the reply button. this entire comments thing is a MESS (compared to other comment systems on websites, or even forums/message boards). it’s much easier to navigate if you hit reply!
and re: your comment: there are always exceptions!
Anon
I’ve always wondered why Parisienne did this (and others too) but someone posted below that the iPhone doesn’t let you reply to the correct post, so the threads get messed up. If that’s true, than that is a good explanation. But I agree that it makes it hard to read.
advice
just another reason why i absolutely CANNOT stand the way these comments are set up. i never thought i’d say it, but even gawker has a better comments system (i am not a fan of hashtags).
Laura
ooh saw Morning Glory this weekend with my husband and we both did a double-take for her interview dress – great for a date but in no way appropriate for an interview.
Anon101
Ladies, I have a hot yoga question for those of you who swear by this form of exercise:
I just started a class last week for the first time and I’m totally new to yoga. Lately I’ve been feeling exhausted and sore (which is unusual for me). Also, during the classes I occasionally feel sick. Is this normal? How long does it take to get used to it? I know so many people who love hot yoga but I’m wondering how long it takes to get to that point– I’m trying to love it! Any advice?
Thanks!
Fiona
I love hot yoga! I would say it takes about 4-5 classes to get used to it (I usually don’t go more than 2x/week, so ymmv if you’re going more than that!). If you feel sick or dizzy during class, you should feel free to sit down – don’t push yourself to the point of exhaustion. Even the most advanced people in the class will sit down if they aren’t having a good day. And hydrate, hydrate, hydrate before and after class. (I personally like the Powerade slurpies at 7-11 after class…).
It is a very intense form of exercise, so go easy on yourself otherwise. If you’re also running or hitting the gym hard, take that into account when deciding how often to go to hot yoga and cut back accordingly.
And enjoy! I find it to be one of the best forms of stress relief out there – 90 minutes of thinking of nothing but what you are doing in that exact moment.
Anon
Make sure you are drinking LOTS and LOTS of water. Take what you think you need for a normal workout and double it. I also run 1/2 marathons and do triathlons and feel like I do fine on far less water than what it takes to get through a hot yoga session. Plus, if you drink any alcohol within the 24 hours before a class, I feel like it really affects me. It does make me feel like I’ve detoxed, but I definitely cannot perform quite as well.
L
Make sure you are really well-hydrated (all day!!! not just during class!) and during class, if you feel like it’s too much, just take child’s pose for a while until you can get back into things. Also, I find it helpful to have a propel or something that’s not just water during class.
Yoga Teacher
Hot yoga can be very dangerous. It causes your muscles to loosen up beyond their actual capacity, making it extremely easy to injure yourself by stretching too far (practicing regular yoga will increase your flexibility gradually). It raises your blood pressure and can cause extreme dehydration. It is not at all unusual for students to faint or tear muscles in hot yoga classes and I have heard of many students who have had to be taken away in an ambulance. I would recommend that you take up another style of yoga done in a normal temperature setting. If you want a rigorous workout, try a power, flow, or ashtanga yoga class.
Kaylee
I’m new to yoga too! Haven’t tried the hot kind yet, but the place I go to bumps up the a/c so it still gets warm. Enough to keep your muscles warmed up. So regular yoga might be an option if hot yoga is too much?
Sarah J.
Can anyone recommend a book to read for someone who is facing bullying/ demeaning behavior in the workplace? My sister in law works in a small office with people that treat her terribly, and I’d love to give her a book to help her out.
MJ
If you love your sister, don’t give her a book. Give her the confidence to fine somewhere new. Toxic work environments rarely improve. She should find somewhere that does not make her miserable 40+ hours a week, even if the job market’s terrible. There’s no reason to be a martyr. I have had personal experience with REALLY bad places, and once I leave, and the weight is off my shoulders, I wondered why I didn’t do it months/years before. Encourage her to go!
anon
^^^^ this..
Another Laura
I agree that she should leave ASAP, but jumping from the frying pan into the fire isn’t always the right answer. And it helps to build up these kinds of skills both to fight back and to recognize toxic environments quicker (or avoid them entirely). I recommend this book “Coping with Difficult People” http://www.amazon.com/Coping-Difficult-People-Proven-Effective-Troublemakers/dp/0440202019/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1289772381&sr=1-1
It is only $8.00 at amazon or probably free at the library. Good luck to your sister.
Sarah J.
Obviously, I will help her in ways other than a book, but she and her husband just bought a house last year, they cannot afford to move, and cannot afford for her to quit her job right now. In January she’s starting a master’s program that’ll help her be more marketable in her field. In the meantime I was hoping to find something to send her to help her cope. I know a book will not solve all her problems, and I will of course be there to help her in any way I can,but I just want to help her day to day life be better in the meantime while she holds on for another year or two.
Thanks for the recommendations so far.
Taylor
Please order her a Marianne Williamson tape. She is so inspirational and helped me to get over the fear of quitting a very bad job.
http://www.betterlisten.com/2010/03/excerpt-from-work-and-career-from-the-marianne-williamson-lecture-series.html
Anon
Re Advice’s comment:
there is no Reply button if you’re reading on an iPhone. One reason why I rarely comment here anymore.
Nora
She should report the problem to HR. That’s what I did when I was getting bullied by a couple of guys. They counseled the guys and now they are like toothless tigers.