Weekend Open Thread
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Something on your mind? Chat about it here.
I don't know why, but lately I've been craving a traditional trench coat — and I love the looks of this fun red one from Kate Spade.
It's part of the limited sales happening at Nordstrom right now — it was $278 but is now marked to $199. The coat is available in black and red, sizes XS-XL. In addition to Kate Spade, the other big brands I'm seeing in the limited sale include Kiehl's, Clinique, Nike, Le Creuset, and SHARK hair tools.
Sales of note for 1/31/25:
- Ann Taylor – Suiting Event – 30% off suiting + 30% off tops
- Nordstrom – Cashmere on sale; AllSaints, Free People, Nike, Tory Burch, and Vince up to 60%; beauty deals up to 25% off
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20 off your $100+ purchase
- Boden – 15% off new season styles
- Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
- J.Crew – Up to 40% off winter layers
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off sweaters and pants
- Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – End of season clearance, extra 70% off markdown tops + extra 60% off all other markdowns
I’ve been mulling over the skiing threads lately (which I’ve participated in) and it hit me that what I really love about skiing is how alive you feel on those days. Think about a typical weekend day spent at home – maybe you sleep in a bit, you return something to the UPS store, maybe see a friend at the park, watch some TV, get some groceries, do some laundry, maybe talk to your dad on the phone, and lie awake 40+ minutes before going to sleep. You’re on your phone a lot scrolling. The house gets messier throughout the day. You spend some money but you’re not really sure where it’s going. It’s nice. It’s familiar. You won’t remember this day a year from now.
Then think of a ski day. You wake up early for a long drive on snowy, pine-tree-lined roads, noticing the beauty you’re never normally up to see. You click into your boots and hear the sound of the edges scraping the freshly groomed snow, feeling that anticipation for your first run. Your family is excited and raring to go, joking around and playing games and pushing each other into snowbanks. You strike up a conversation with total strangers on the lift and discover that you’re both from the same hometown. You ski your legs off for three straight hours and then take a hot chocolate break to warm up, and even though it’s just Swiss Miss, it tastes incredible. Your legs burn and your skin is cold and your hair is a mess. You share a bag of gummy bears with your kid and don’t think about whether it’s too much sugar. A light snow begins to fall and you get an amazing portrait of your smiling partner with snowflakes in his eyebrows. Your kid convinces you to try a jump in the terrain park and you nail it. You feel strong at a time in your life when a lot of other things feel hard. At the end of the day, everyone is tired in a good way. The hot shower feels amazing and you fall asleep within 4 minutes. You feel fulfilled. The laundry gets done tomorrow or the next day. Your daily screentime report says 25 minutes via the photos app.
That’s a regular ski day – not even an exceptional one. A powder day is a whole ‘nother level of amazing. What I love about it is that skiing makes it SO EASY to reach that feeling I described. You can reach it in other ways too, of course – immersive experiences like concerts come to mind. But skiing has it by default. So many of us, including me, have posted here over the years about feeling blah or uninspired or bored or addicted to screens. We’re chasing what a ski day gives you automatically.
That’s why I get excited when people come here wanting to learn how to ski. I want more people, especially women who have so many career and caregiving responsibilities, to have that feeling and have more of those days. If you’re thinking of trying it, do it! If there’s another activity that makes you feel the same way, do it more often!
It’s snowing near where I live. Have a great weekend, all!
Yup, same. Plus my 10 year old and i bond over it. It’s less fun with my younger kids but they will get there!!
While I don’t relate (hate skiing, love doing stuff around the house), if we can all just a) identify and b) lean into what gives us fulfillment, then I am 100% on board! And you wrote that very nicely! Have a nice snow-weekend, while I go crazy over my seedlings.
Yes!! Skiing isn’t my jam but that feeling? I get it at a ballroom dance competition every time.
I don’t get as many chances as I’d like to go skiing, but my eldest is a Girl Scout and it’s the way I feel about camping. Yes, it is an enormous pain in the rear end to get it all together but it is one of the best ways to unplug from all the stress in my life and just do something.
This is reminding me to look into my local ski slope a bit more seriously.
Love this!
FWIW, I skied as a kid thanks to living where I did and school kids being able to ski for $5. ($7 if you needed a rental). I was never a great skier and took off 15-20 years primarily for economic reasons.
It’s our third season skiing as a family, second season where we’re really into it and have the right gear and all that… it’s one of my favorite things to do. We’re in the Northeast so it’s probably more economically feasible and the local ski hill which we have season passes to has an incredible vertical drop of just over 500 feet… but it’s amazing to be outside even in the cold, having fun with my kids and nobody asks to play Nintendo.
And if you’re wondering… I’m now a solid Blue Squares skier. I have ended up going down blacks and while not quite thriving, can safely navigate them. Husband and I were able to go on a ski weekend away and ski competently and enjoyably. Skiing seems intimidating at first with all the people who have been doing this all their lives, but there are tons of people who are ‘green girlies’ and just there to enjoy themselves outside.
Yup. I’m not much of a skier but the days I feel alive involve something physically difficult with a little risk out in nature. A hard trail run or something similar makes everything better.
Thank you for writing this. I am 40s and have never tried skiing. It was a “rich kid thing” when I was growing up and we were not rich. I live 2 hours from world-class skiing but figured I was too old to try.
I think I might try now. I might be older but I am still reasonably athletic.
You are not too old. I am not an athletic person at all and I ski and always have. I honestly put it in the same category as riding a bike or maybe ice skating or roller blading. Once you know how to do it, if you have balance you can do it! Skiing down moguls or an icy black or double black on a big mountain in the freezing cold in the ice is like doing a 100 mile bike ride with massive hills. Slowly skiing a green or gentle blue trail on a 30 degree day is like biking around town.
I’m 40 and would advise people to consider the following: do you have chronic back or knee issues? If you were roller blading at a slow speed and fell over while wearing kneepads, wrist guards and a helmet, would you be really injured? If not, then go for it. You’ll probably fall on your butt a couple times but when you are learning it happens in slow motion and is really just a flop on the ground. The really dangerous stuff happens from going on trails that are too icy or too difficult for your skill level, and/or being on the slopes when it is too crowded and someone *else* loses control.
Definitely not too old. If you start now, you can get 30-40 years of skiing in. That’s huge!
A lot of people will say you’re not too old, but when I tried to re-learn to skiing in college it was sooo much harder than when I was a little kid. Now at 40 I wouldn’t even consider it because I’m sure I’d break a bone or maybe even my neck. Plenty of people are more athletic and coordinated than me, but there’s a reason people say to start your kids in skiing young. It is much easier to pick up sports like this as a kid.
My un-athletic husband started skiing at 25 and recently did his first (slightly overrated) double black diamond. He’s never been seriously injured skiing and we only go a few days per year. Totally fair to not be interested, but I want anyone on the fence to know that serious injuries are by no means guaranteed. I’ve injured myself worse in my own neighborhood!
Uhhhh 25 is worlds different than 40
And women break much more easily than men (especially post-menopause, but there’a a gender disparity even in young adults).
Careful… skiing is one of those things where you could really hurt yourself, especially starting older in life.
I rarely ski, and only started learning in college (so still pretty young… 18). But have several family members who are life long skiers. My uncle broke his back – was hit by a snowboarder… what can you do. He was so lucky though – no paralysis. A couple friends destroyed their knees in wipe outs. It is pretty easy to do when you are a beginner, actually.
I stick to cross country now. Still nice. Quite a work-out…
Anything worth doing carries some risk of injury. That’s true for skiing, pickleball, walking in the woods, and everything else.
The relative risk of skiing is much higher than your examples. There is nothing wrong with urging people to be careful – and in fact, that was great advice.
Nah, women are told to be careful too much. Not trying something you want to try because you *could* get injured is no way to live.
I’d at least check out my insurance policy. The amount of injury that people I know who ski, ride horses, cycle, etc. are comfortable with is beyond my comfort zone in terms of recuperation time and also copays.
Estimates say that there are about 2 injuries per 1,000 skier visits. That’s not too bad. You can do a lot to mitigate the risk, like wearing a properly fitted helmet and skiing within your abilities.
Not true. Skiing is disproportionately dangerous.
Skiing is way riskier than pickleball and hikin. No one tells pregnant women to avoid those things.
Your life long skiing family is probably not doing gentle blue and green groomers. Maybe they are! I maintain it’s about as risky as cycling which is also not risk-free.
I’m 40’and my dad is 65. He used to ski more aggressively but does not want to get an injury so sticks to greens unless I’ve skied , or he’s talked to someone on the life that’s skied, a blue trail and confirmed it’s in decent shape.
True, cycling is risky too. My brother is a big cyclist and has been hit multiple times by cars. Hasn’t been his fault. Also had a terrible crash out on a bike path. Knocked out so we have no idea what happened.
It is what it is.
Riding horses carries more risk of injury than skiing and I started taking riding lessons in my 40s.
At 40+ we’re old enough to understand the risks and go forward accordingly.
This is very good advice. I was a big skier, black diamonds, competed in high school, etc. and I stopped in my 20s when I was no longer in good enough shape to avoid easy injuries. Almost all of my peers got major injuries skiing. It is a much more dangerous sport than anything else listed here. It has nothing to do with holding women back, sometimes things are unfortunate but true. If OP loves it and the risk is worth it to her and others, great, go for it. But don’t pretend it isn’t there.
Quitting in your 20s due to lack of fitness is unusual, not the norm. Most people I know who ski get more motivation to be in shape from anticipating the ski season. Yes, it does take work, no doubt, but it’s SO worth it. I know two people who skied into their 90s!
It wasn’t a lack of fitness it was recognizing how easy it was to get injured and wanting to avoid that. As you age, even in your 20s, it’s not the same as when you’re a kid. I went from watching people fall down and bounce up to having major surgery and months of PT to fix knees, tendons, legs, etc.
I learnt at 42. I ski reds and blues. Not too late.
That’s great!! Millions of people ski over the age of 40 (and 50, and 60, and 70) and you’re one of them. Love that. It’s never been a better time to start in midlife with the widespread availability of great instruction, quality gear, and comfortable resorts.
I tried skiing in my 40s and I was not strong enough or athletic enough for the sport. But I get that amazing feeling from white water rafting! All I have to do is listen to instructions and be strong enough to HOLD ON!
Nice. I like that idea!
I love this. I grew up skiing on humble mom-and-pop hills. It was Carharrt skiing before Carharrt was trendy. I haven’t skied in some years now, and I miss it dearly. Thank you for writing this.
I love this so much! I learned how to ski when I was 3 and this season is my 50th year skiing. When my kids were teenagers, I joked that it was the only thing my kids would voluntarily do with their mom – those rides up the lifts were great for conversation, and my kids know they were not indefinite – only as long as it took to get to the top. I have so many happy memories skiing with them, like I did with my parents and siblings growing up. Even now when I start to feel the winter blues hit, I go skiing – there’s no better feeling in the world and it’s sure to put me in a better mood!
I love this! Thank you for writing this love letter to skiing. I just love to ski, skied some growing up via a high school ski club, didn’t ski for many years as I could not afford it, picked it back up as an adult and with our 2 sons. The “flow” experience, of being 100% into the moment, comes frequently while skiing, as the effort and whee moments and the carving of turns come together. The mediocre food tastes delicious, chair lift rides are friendly, and my family–2 sons are now about 30-laughs and hangs out together. If you don’t ski, but think of yourself as at least a bit coordinated, give it a whirl. There is a reason skiing is so popular!
Yes!! It’s the easiest way into the flow state for me.
Can someone explain something to me – why is it when i eat healthy but higher calorie things than what i would normally eat (eg a smoothie with full fat milk, loads of nut butter) i lose weight but not when a similar or lower calorie thing that is less healthy (eg pasta). if it matters i am trying to avoid losing weight as anxiety kills my appetite.
You should read the Obesity Code. Also, low-fat dairy is a scam – it strips out vital nutrients (including fat, which is a macronutrient and not the devil) and has never been shown to promote weight loss. In fact, studies of school kids have shown that low-fat milk consumption in school is associated with HIGHER obesity rates.
Huh, I always thought those full-fat milk is good studies were sponsored by the dairy industry.
I’m not a nutritionist, but my guess would be that the higher-calorie things you’re describing leave you feeling full longer, so you may end up eating fewer snacks etc.
This is my guess. It’s also likely why I lost 5 lbs during my semester abroad in Italy despite eating allll the pasta, gelato, coronettos, etc. I also didn’t snack much (at all?) nor did I need to since I was full and satiated from my meals.
You also probably walked and climbed stairs a lot more than you do in the United States. And yes, fresh, flavorful dishes made with high quality ingredients are so satisfying!
This aligns with my anecdotal experience. When I really took the time to seriously track calories a few years ago (down to weighing everything), I realized that the higher calorie foods you described left me much fuller/I ate less overall when eating the high calorie/full
Fat version versus when I ate the lower calorie foods I ended up not satisfied and ultimately ate more total calories.
Are you tracking EVERYTHING you eat, or just anecdotally noticing this? I ask because higher-fat meals will usually keep you fuller, longer, compared to simple carbs. So if your breakfast is a smoothie that includes peanut butter and whole milk vs. a slice of toast, you’re probably not gonna need to eat again for a while. An egg scramble with avocado and cheese lasts longer than a bowl of cereal.
I also find that healthy food begets healthy food cravings and/or more energy. If I wake up and go to the gym and eat a healthy breakfast, I’m much more likely to eat a healthy lunch, go for an afternoon walk, eat a healthy dinner, and skip alcohol.
So it’s less “this one higher calorie meal means I lose weight” and more “I’m full, I’m fueled, I have plenty of energy” that leads to the results.
I think the fattier foods are more filling. Full fat dairy is also just an outlier in general since it’s oddly not associated with the same negative heath outcomes as other saturated fats.
There is no well-done research that supports the notion that saturated fats cause disease. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8541481/
My unscientific opinion/personal experience is that the less processed a food is, the better it is for your body and you will notice. And fats are good for you. Full fat dairy and real butter are great examples; when I swapped these for nonfat yogurt and butter substitutes, I noticed that my body changed. I did lose some weight, but I lost it off of problem areas and my body took on a nice slim/hourglass shape. I try to eat as much “whole” foods as possible and I’ve been able to effortlessly keep at a steady weight
Binge the maintenance phase podcast.
Not the op but I have so many issues with that podcast – they just seem to snark on any sort of eating plan.
People who listen to that podcast seem to want me to believe that none one of the people I personally know who have lost weight and maintained that weight loss for years via dietary changes have actually done that.
You know people in the 5% then. 95% don’t.
Okay, I probably do! I know a lot of upwardly socially mobile people which surely helps too. That is still very different from saying it’s not even a real thing that happens.
I listen to and enjoy that podcast, and didn’t get that message. I think what they’re saying is that a diet only works as long as you follow it, and does not lead to permanent weight loss. If your friends make permanent changes, they will have permanent effects, but a lot of diets aren’t something people can follow long-term.
Because you retain fluid when you eat bread or pasta, but not when you eat peanut butter or full yogurt.
I think this is it. Normally my weight can fluctuate five to seven pounds in a week, or even three or four overnight. That has to be water retention. I lost a lot of weight in half a year on a diet that had no dairy, no wheat, and no sugar. My weight steadily declined but never wobbled at all, not even by a pound or two.
Likely has something to do with the impact on your glucose levels as well.
Because Calories In Calories Out is a complete oversimplification and at bottom, a fallacy.
Yeah the way it is explained is mostly just tautological. I’ve definitely lost weight by increasing calories before (yes I do have some medical conditions that make that less surprising).
This. It’s really not true. It’s simple, it’s easy to understand, but, it’s not true. What is true is that our bodies are extremely complex machines, and that they respond to the inputs they are given. And that we are only beginning to understand this. When given input they have several options of what to do – it can add to fat stores (usually do this if GLUCOSE levels are high – sugar builds fat, not fat!), it can repair proteins, it can focus on your immune system, it can let your brain do some serious thinking (thinking burns a lot of calories!), it can give you the wiggles and make you want to get up and go for a walk…. And our bodies chose to do different things when given broccoli with butter vs processed junk food.
For the same reason that when I go home to England I eat foods I would never eat here in the U.S. because I gain 10lbs.
I return from England having lost weight every single time.
do any curly girls have a favorite refreshing spray? I’ve just been using Ouidad’s because I had a small bottle from somewhere and I like it, but wondering what else is out there… TIA!
As I am rice water spray.
Has anyone bought under-cabinet lighting or lit a bookcase recently and can recommend a product? Looking for something that doesn’t require drilling or cords… is not motion activated… has a remote or other system where several lights be turned on/off easily at once… I thought I’d found something and it’s requiring me to charge it every few months, so that’s a no. I’d need to buy at least 20 lights if they’re small (bookcase).
Maybe I’m missing something, but if you don’t want cords, you’re going to have to charge it or replace batteries.
I think I’d be ok with batteries at this point – trying to charge them via usb is a pita
Also very sick of charging and looking for an alternative.
There’s only two options, hardwired or battery operated. Batteries need changing or charging. There are some companies doing really cool and pretty fixtures that use rechargeable LEDs, but you can’t avoid charging if you’re not going to hardwire. Here’s one that’s lovely
https://www.us.pooky.com/collections/wall-sconces
I was the one asking for Paris recs this morning, and I just booked an appointment for a haircut with David Mallett on my birthday. SO excited, and I never would have thought of this on my own!
Ah that’s so exciting!! Enjoy!
Enjoy!!
I think I’m so sedentary when work gets busy that my legs / hips are really tight. Husband thinks I have tight hamstrings, but can you really get those from sitting? If so, how do you get rid of them? I tried to just do a little jog and I felt like the back-of-thigh muscles were going to rip themselves off by the tendons.
I’m decently active, except when work is busy.
Bonus points if the answer is: you need to check yourself into a day spa for detox and an aggressive but therapeutic massage.
Yes, especially if you primary form of activity is running which only compounds the tightness problem. Spa day will help with the knots but the real answer here is stretching.
Look online for hip flexor stretches. Hip flexors are shortened during long periods of sitting and can cause tightness in your hamstrings
ding ding ding, this — i really like the hip flexor stretch where you’re in proposal mode (on one knee in front of yourself) – push yourself into the knee in front of you and you should be able to feel the front of your hip flexor get a good stretch. You might want to google hip flexors to look at where those guys are – some even wrap around to lower back.
before I exercise I like to do the MYRTL stretch routine; you can find it on youtube… that would probably also feel nice right now.
Yes that sitting causes tight hips and hamstrings. Likewise, glutes and hamstrings tend to be weaker than quads for a lot of us, which creates hip problems. So I’d both add strength exercises for glutes and hamstrings and add some stretching. If you can manage to even stand up with some frequency on sedentary days, that’s good for your body.
It’s probably your hip flexors/glutes. Yoga, foam roller, and you could get deep tissue massage. But you will need to work on stretches aimed at those areas.
Not to be super obvious, but how often do you stretch? I’m with you on the sedentary job and tight hips. It was actually better when I went into the office, because I was at least running between conference rooms to attend my meetings, and I had an adjustable standing desk for focus work. Now I just sit in the same place, all day.
I do a variety of hip-opening stretches and hamstring stretechs to combat this (not as often as I should, but better than nothing). You should stretch the hips, glutes, quads, hamstrings, and back in different directions to keep everything balanced.
I also go to the chiropractor when I’m feeling particularly rough, and she gives me additional exercises sometimes to help build up my hip strength so that I’m not relying too much on my glutes, quads, and hamstrings for everything.
I’ve dealt with chronic back pain for years and sitting definitely tightens up that whole area. A long walk loosens it more than stretching.
This – motion=lotion. I’m hyperflexible so I do better with walks plus bird dogs and other core strenghtening stuff vs. stretching.
And strengthening is part of this, too — sitting creates hip flexors that are both tight and weak, so make sure you’re focusing on both.
A big thank you to the Richmond, Virginia ‘rettes who recommended Shyndygz’s for my son‘s birthday cake! It turns out he loves that bakery and so does his girlfriend. I’m saving the other recommendations as well
I really appreciate how kind and helpful this board can be.
$364 million, baby!!
I wish he’d be barred from business for longer than 3 years though.
NYT says $355. Also that it’s all his available cash
So how does he pay E Jean then?
What should he do? Sell some real estate.
What will he do? Crowdfund it though his supporters.
Appeal. He should appeal the living daylights out of this.
Curious as to what you think the grounds of appeal would be? I mean I agree that they will almost certainly appeal, but am curious as to what you think the reversible error could be?
Also – I know he needs to bond the appeal in the Carroll case to prevent execution. Would he need to abandon this one as well?
The requirements to avoid collection are the same in both cases, as they are both federal court civil judgments.
Putin will give it to him and then NATO is kaput.
Any lawyers watching the hearing to recuse Fani Willis’ office in the Georgia election interference case? Curious if anyone else has thoughts. I’ve enjoyed looking at the fashion (I have a very similar pair of shoes as Ashleigh Merchant, the Marc Fisher block heel pump and I love them; I don’t love the state’s attorney’s blazer/pants combo today, the proportions seem off; Fani Willis’ pink dress to testify?!) and I’d love to hear people’s thoughts on the fashion and the substance. The whole thing seems tawdry, really. I thought Fani Willis’ dad stole the whole show, I loved him. And I was stunned to learn how young the judge is (born in 1988 or 1989!)
I am so impressed with her as a person (I pay for myself, I am equal in relationships, I keep cash in my house) and her dad (“It’s a black thing” to keep cash on hand because white people won’t accept my credit cards and checks).
I am disgusted that she had to date the special prosecutor and mess up this case.
Not following the trial, but (1) I am 100% sure she did not repay him in cash; I live in Atlanta and this is absolutely how local politics work; and (2) apparently her pink dress was on backwards.
The color of that dress was great; the fit was not flattering.
Maybe because it was backwards.
The dress looks like its on right in videos online — there is a kick flap at the center back, and a scoop neck, both of which suggest she is wearing it forwards, not backwards.
@runcible spoon
In closeups, it is clear that a hidden zipper is in the front. Do you still think that is the right way?
I don’t understand the closeups of the zipper, but I’m sure a dress like that can’t be worn backwards. There would be darts in bodice and the cut at the hips would be wrong. I’ll say the color was fabulous.
Yes, it’s a dress that has a front zip AND and back zip (plus the kick-flap at the bac. The brand is VFShow and it is sold on Amazon, per other online sleuths. Why would you insist that a high-level executive would knowingly wear a dress backwards for an event she is well aware will be broadcast widely? Perhaps examine where that assumption or ready belief stems from.
I am a Fulton County litigator and I was really unnerved when McAfee was selected for the case because of his age and inexperience. I’ve never had a case in front of him, so he was a complete unknown for me. The judge who handled the grand jury process is an intellectual rock star and I was upset when it became clear he wouldn’t stay on for the case. I only watched snippets from today and most of yesterday but so far I am incredibly impressed by McAfee and glad our bench has such talent. I’m not sure if he made any rulings today that I’d disagree with, but his demeanor and courtroom management has been stellar.
On the fashion, my big takeaway would be that the men are far better dressed than the women. There are exceptions for a few of the male country defense lawyers defending bit players, at least one of whom is dressed terribly. But overall I think there are much better examples here for how to dress for men than for women. (There is an abundance of fashionplate male ATL lawyers, and they don’t sacrifice formality even in 2024.) Ashleigh Merchant looks good in clothes, but her outfit today pushes the boundary on appropriate. Her shoes are a fair balance of fashionable and comfortable for standing for most of 8 hours, but not “fashion.” She’s impressive in the courtroom. Ms. Cross comes across as someone who is going to focus on whether her outfit is appropriate but is more concerned with her competence and preparation. I am sure as a prosecutor she is working with a smaller budget. I honestly just don’t judge line prosecutors for fashion, just appropriateness. They make huge sacrifices to do the job, both financial and with their time. I’m not sure if today’s outfit was an attempt at fashion. If so, it wasn’t a great success but perhaps a tailor could make a difference. I do think the pants are flattering.
I cried at work yesterday, on a work call, in front of my boss, skip level boss, and a jerk coworker. Reassure me this isn’t totally the most embarrassing and unprofessional thing, and that I’ll come back from this.
TLDR
background:
I have a centeralized backoffice role, touching multiple business units in a financal/tech adjacent business. The business units I work on are quite varied, have their own complexities, and require me to really be honed into the details for each area. And we have tight internal deadlines to meet each month. I’ve got alot going at once.
This guy oversees one of those units. He’s not someone I work with day to day. His role title is one level higher than mine and he’s more of a reviewer with some business developement responsibilities. Think, He’ll sweep in a few times a month to ask things like, if should we dig into 5% month over month variances on balances that are in the 10’s of millions. Or ping me a kind reminders every month to do this or that part of my job sooner to fit his imagined timeline.
The vent:
( feels relevant to add: i had witnessed and almost became involved in an uncomfortable situation on my commute yesterday morning with someone who was increasingly beligerent with strangers on the train. about 2 hours before the crying happened.)
The specific problem that we were meeting about has been rolling since November. We’ve had multiple, repetitive, and unproductive calls “to chat” on this problem. I make time for his overseas hours. And around Christmas took one of these calls on a day I had taken off, because I appreciated that there was an urgency. Through all of this he’d presented his opinions as fact but when questioned, he’d conceed to not actually have answers. Lots of questioning my work product and methology, asking me to look into problems, and then I educate him. He doesn’t offer solutions, new ideas, or assist in actually getting to a resolution.
After getting some new insights on this problem area earlier this week, I decided to review prior work. This guy got wind of it and asked to chat yesterday, in the early morning my time. I pulled my team lead and my direct manager into the call. We spent maybe 20 minutes on the call with this guy leading me around in circles with his questions. This conversation wasn’t leading anywhere new, and I was asked to explain things at a high level that really required a detailed level of knowledge. For what felt like the 20th time since November.
I held back frustration tears a couple times during the call and tried to power through, but eventually just couldn’t any more. I ended up pausing, I think I said sorry, and went screen/audio off and walked away from my desk to the hallway.
Thankfully my team lead (and skip level manager) was understanding. I think he got how fustrated I was with the situation and how badly this guy approaches working with our team.
I cried for a while in the bathroom, got a coffee and was able to get back to my desk at some point. The afternoon ended up being more productive, and I had already scheduled today off. Today has been a couch day.
I feel silly mostly? And annoyed that I let this guy get into my head.
It doesnt help that my dad would, and occassionally still, break out “You’re being so sensitive” when I had a reaction he saw as too emotional.
Ah . . . your very last sentence here, about your dad, is probably HUGE in why you’re feeling so bad about yourself and what happened. The call yesterday tapped into a dynamic related to “weakness” and “too much emotion” that you’ve been experiencing since you were a little girl.
None of this actual situation, from your description, sounds that bad at all. You seem to have handled it well in the moment, and your boss, etc., got to witness firsthand the colleague’s approach to you. This might seem like a 12+ on the embarrassment scale to you, while it may not even peg the meter for them.
We’re all human, we all reach a point where we just can’t take it any more, and we all live in bodies that have physical reactions to strong emotion.
Totally agree. From what you describe here, the situation isn’t bad at all. You were understandably frustrated, shifted off-screen, and had your private moment.
It sounds like it’s an old wound that’s being needled. Give yourself some grace.
+ 1 to all of this. I think you handled a difficult situation well, and if all or even most of the crying occurred off-camera and off-mic, no one else probably even noticed it. But even if they did, you are human. And the other guy is an asshat and your boss dnd big boss got to see that.
This sounds deeply frustrating, and I’m sorry you’re spending your prescheduled day off thinking about it!
It’s not clear how much anyone knew that it brought you to tears. It sounds like your management was supportive! Did your boss follow up with you at all after? For me, I’d want to touch base with my boss and ask what she thought of the call. If her answer is about what an idiot that guy is, you’re fine. If her answer is about your frustration, then you’re still fine – but you could apologize for letting the moment get the best of you. It sounds like an aberration in your otherwise very professional performance.
I’m so sorry that happened. Everyone is human. And I get it–I have a hard time keeping tears at bay when I get angry, especially if I’m tired on top of it. I’m sure the early morning and adrenaline bolt from the commute brought in that element for you as well. Not sure if this helps for next time, but I’ve learned to sort of think outside of myself in those moments and I’ll sometimes fiddle with something with my hands just to try to distract myself or force myself to ignore anyone else talking and recite the alphabet backwards in my head for a minute or two. It’s hard to give yourself that mental space though if you’re expecting to have to talk. The other thing I try to do if it’s someone putting me on defense like that is to deliberately let them talk as long as they want and then respond with a big pause and a really slow, deliberate response, Regardless, you did the absolute right thing by realizing you needed to step away. That’s really all you can do, so try not to beat yourself up too much. And for what it’s worth, the situations I’ve been in where I’ve observed colleagues or reports coming close to tears have always made me side with the individual even more. In the work place, it’s so unusual to have someone show that they are at the breaking point that it’s almost always a situation that’s abnormally stressful or unfair.
Do note that someone who observed is likely to check in with you on Monday. So it wouldn’t hurt to have a script ready and rehearsed that either blames another event (so they assume it was personal and not the professional challenge) or that acknowledges and quickly pivots to discussion of next steps regarding the project–anything that keeps from having it happen again.
Where is your favorite brunch place in nyc? I need a few new spots …
I hate that it’s so crowded and touristy, but I loooooooove the Clinton Street Bakng Company.
My in-laws live in NYC and we visit 1-2 times per year and I’ve never managed to eat there because the lines are so crazy.
that was my final brunch as a NYC resident (moved away 15 years ago) and it was well worth the two hour wait. Go!
I need some workplace advice. I was recently promoted to lead a department. I have a peer in another department who I work with cross-functionally, and we both report to the same executive. This person talks like they are very skilled and knowledgeable but working with them has shown me that is not actually the case. This person overcomplicates things (eg, scheduling a meeting to hand off information rather than sending it by email) and focuses on things that are insignificant while ignoring the real issues that actually require strategic thought and judgment. It has gotten to the point that my work product is being negatively impacted. The problem is that as far as I can tell, no one else including our boss seems to see this or they are hiding it really well. I am worried that if I suggest that it’s my coworker who is at fault, it will reflect poorly on me as the person newer to the role. Any advice?
a. What does “my work product is being negatively impacted” mean in plain language? At least for yourself, even if you don’t want to post it here, get as blunt as you can about what is actually happening. Then is there a way you can solve that specific thing?
b. Wait a bit and get a better read. If this person really is such a sham, you can’t possibly be the only one who has experienced it. Does this person have protected status for some reason? Or is their work so outstanding in other ways that these areas are overlooked? Also, be objective about what is going on: A person CAN be skilled and knowledgeable, and at the same time also over-complicate stuff and prefer drilling into details versus working on the big picture; the characteristics you’re describing don’t negate each other.
If I were your manager I would want to see what you’ve tried. Have you been proactive in advocating for your own work? What dependencies does your work have from this person? Can YOU schedule a meeting with an agenda of all the info or decisions you need and what ripple effects delayed or undisclosed info has on your job?
Since you are on a board of lawyers, I’ll say this: we (legal) have virtually all been accused of overcomplicating things by business partners who want one sentence answers we cannot provide. What you view as focusing on insignificant things may just be what their role entails. Similarly, favoring meetings over emails is not just a personal quibble but can have real legitimate reasons depending on the context. If someone were to make these complaints about me or about, say, our accountants or regulatory folks: “She focuses on insignificant things and always wants to meet instead of just emailing me the answer” that feedback would not impact us and would negatively reflect on the person trying to change our work pattern.
So are you really sure that what they are doing is at fault? Because there’s a good chance that it’s not actually the case.
I want to sign up for in-person barre classes and want to treat myself to some new workout clothes for a confidence boost. It’s been several years since I last went to classes (used to love them), and I’ve gotten very out of shape and gained a dress size. I’m middle aged size 10 and don’t like revealing or overly tight clothes. What’s a good outfit that will look cute?
A quick online search says form-fitting leggings without zippers or clasps, a sports bra, and a tank top or slim-fit t-shirt is the best choice.
Have fun!!
Leggings and a looser mid-thigh top, maybe one that shows a bit of shoulder or a strappy sports bra. Barre socks and a zip up hoodie you can take off once you’re warmed up (check Vuori).
We must be twins! Gap fit has workout tights with fabric that holds you in and is high waisted so smoothing on tummy and thighs etc. Add a decent bra (Athleta running bra is good) and Athleta breathable top.
Let’s talk eyeshadow. Seems really hard to find budget matte eyeshadow these days. I used to buy Maybelline, Revlon and Cover girl all the time but the palettes I’ve bought recently have been very poor quality and/or you just can’t find anything. Maybelline especially had duos and trios that were perfect for everyday. I’ve tried eyeshadow pencils but they all seem shimmery. So what does everyone wear for simple, everyday that doesn’t require special tools either. Something you can sweep on and go!
some of Bobbi Brown’s shadow sticks are matte – the Taupe shade is a great creamy neutral.
I love Ilia shadow. Not drugstore prices but not high end either. They’re all natural, apply easily with a fluffy brush and last all day without creasing. I’ve been using the same pallet daily for 3 years.
Wet and Wild! They’re known for being really good quality and are super inexpensive. I really like the 5 pan palettes and find them to be better quality than more expensive brands. Here’s an example:
https://www.target.com/p/wet-n-wild-color-icon-5-pan-eyeshadow-palette-walking-on-eggshells-0-21oz/-/A-80028896?sid=2581S&ref=tgt_adv_xsp&AFID=google&fndsrc=tmnv&DFA=71700000105072239&CPNG=PLA_DVM%2Ba064R000013oCvkQAE-Markwins_WNW_Google+Search_Jan_2023-849261&adgroup=PLA_Markwins&LID=700000001393753pgs&network=g&device=c&location=9032188&gad_source=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMImZmVgea1hAMV5BitBh2pzg22EAQYAyABEgLBAfD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds
I’m not finding many opportunities in the NYC/North Jersey area for senior finance/accounting leader roles. Does anyone have any suggestions for good recruiters to connect with?
I’m looking for a good accounting leadership role, ideally with global operations. Im a CPA and have broker dealer and technology experience. My last role was head of credit risk, role before that divisional cfo for the technology group. Big 4 background (worked both audit and consulting). To put into context, I was 3 layers below c suit and my total package $450k. Looking for something in that ballpark.