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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 392 Comments · by

Holiday Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread

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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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Comments

  1. Ellie

    Those reflective strips don’t seem to be doing much here… that SUV is headed right for those models.

    Happy long weekend, all!

  2. Ses

    I’ve been waiting for the open thread because this is one of those completely personal threadjacks some Corporettes hate. I need… Advice maybe? I don’t know. My husband decided to end our ten year relationship this week. I did not have any idea this was coming. Four days ago we were talking about our next vacation and having children and watching movies and then two days later he was telling me he loved me but had decided we could ever be happy together. He left that night and then came back while I was at work and took most of his stuff. He’s opening his own bank account today and we are supposed to talk about it tonight. He wants to split up everything we own and immediately file for divorce. He says there is no other woman and I believe him.
    I am blindsided and have never been in pain like this. I don’t have close friends here and I have no idea what to do. I’m normally really competent but I just feel stupid and it’s hard to do anything right now. I truly just want him to reconsider and come back. Is that even reasonable to hope for?
    Help?

    • A.C.

      This sounds utterly devastating! It’s probably all the harder given you don’t have close friends nearby. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

      Do you have a therapist? I think it’s only reasonable that you need to talk to someone about what you’re going through. I went through a similarly traumatic event years ago and waited too long to really talk about it with someone. I eventually found talking about it to a therapist was the one thing I needed – someone completely objective who came from a place of empathy and understanding who could listen and help me work things through. I was like a zombie until I finally dealt with it all.

      Maybe your husband would be willing to see a counselor with you too. Even if it still ends in divorce, you might gain more closure if you two can go talk about it with a couples therapist.

    • Always a NYer

      My deepest sympathies to you *hugs*

      I’ve never been in this situation but I do know how it feels to be blindsided by someone. The way you describe this is very sudden and while you say he told you there’s no other woman, the cynic in me says he’s lying. Have there been signs that would make you suspicious of him cheating? It’s all too easy to ignore what we don’t want to see. Wanting him to reconsider and come back home is an understandable reaction but ask yourself this – do you really want him back if his whole heart isn’t in the relationship? You deserve a man who wants you and only you, accept nothing less.

      My advice is to watch whatever money you have together very carefully. Too many times have I seen people get burned by their spouse in situations like this. And if he’s started seeing divorce attorneys, do the same and make sure you get the toughest one out there that will get you exactly what you want.

      Btw, my mom is a divorce attorney so I’ve heard all the horror stories about bitter divorces growing up. The last piece of advice I’ll leave is something she constantly tells me – getting pregnant will not fix your marriage. Please do not plan one last time together with this in mind, a child will only complicate things further.

      Best of luck as you work through this difficult time in your life.

      • Lyssa

        On Always a NYer’s last paragraph, I’ve also seen couples who, while on the way down and out, got stupid in the heat of passionate turmoil. I wouldn’t recommend any last hurrahs, but if that happens, please make sure that you’re being careful. You may think that you feel too emotionally mixed up to stop and grab a condom (or whatever method you use), but it’s really important, now more than ever.

    • Hugs

      My heart hurts for you. If you feel that this is something you are willing to try to save, then ask him to please consider a trial separation period instead of a divorce right away.

      Allow yourself to hurt and don’t feel guilty about it. Try to find a therapist that can listen and help you. It was very helpful when I went through my divorce. And maybe take a break from work and go on vacation, visit a close friend or family member that you can lean on. Hugs to you.

    • Anonymous

      I am so sorry this has happened to you. You say you don’t have friends locally, so PLEASE get on the phone and tap the support you have elsewhere. I’m positive that your friends will be eager to be there for you, and some might even show up in person.

      I’ve never been married, but like you I was once totally “blindsided” after years with someone. What I will say from that experience is that while you may think you want him to stay, and feel like begging, you can never go back to the security and happiness that you remember from before. Why? Because he has blindsided you. Even if he changes his mind and moves all his stuff back in, totally re-committed to you, you’ll always be wondering–no matter how much you want to put it out of your mind–when he might do something like this again. Don’t do it to yourself. I’d say take the path of surrender and serenity. It will be hard now, but infinitely easier later on. Let him go, and embrace someone you can rely on: yourself.

      • May

        I think the advice posted by Anonymous is very sound, and hope you at least consider her words.

        • Monday

          OK, so the “Anonymous” above is actually me. I was being shy about the personal experience aspect of it, but my dear old friend AIMS inspired me to be more brave. We’re all friends here, right?

          • b23

            I really think your advice was great, and I’m glad you “came out of the closet.”

          • AIMS

            Agree with B23. Well said. And glad I decided to post as myself — I was also considering going anon for what I had to say, but decided to just pull the trigger at the last minute. Funny how even in the relative anonymity of the internet, there are just certain things that are so hard to share.

    • Lyssa

      Wow. First off, I’m so sorry. I wouldn’t wish that kind of blindsiding on my worst enemy. Second off, anyone who complains about personal threadjacks of this nature can (insert rude declaration). You’re hurting, and you need support.

      On advice, I don’t think that there are any good answers. If this is really as sudden as it sounds, then part of me is even wanting to wonder if your husband is OK, brain-wise. Has he suffered from depression or similar? Either way, though, it sounds to me like you’re better to let him go, and to be grateful that at least this happened before kids. I know that you want him to come back, but you cannot even risk reproducing with someone who would do this. And the more quickly that you mourn, and then start to move on, the better for you.

      On to you, though, no one is going to blame you if you stew for a few days. Plead sickness or sudden family emergency (which is true), and go away for a few days. You said that you have no close friends in the area, but this is worth a plane ticket if need be. If you don’t have a friend that will literally let you cry on her couch for a few days, stay with your parents- they’ll understand. Don’t worry about anything for a few days, then start planning your next steps- get a lawyer, deal with the stuff and the divorce and all of that. But that’s later, now, just heal a little bit.

    • MaggieLizer

      So sorry you’re going through this. From what you’ve said, it sounds like he’s put a lot of thought into ending the relationship and he’s had time to come to terms with it. You haven’t. Hopefully he will be open to talking about where things went off course so you can get some closure, especially since he intentionally hid it by continuing to talk about the future, but if he’s not please don’t feel like you’re in the wrong for wanting to discuss things.

      Also definitely start protecting yourself and your assets; even if you reconcile, it’s a good idea to have a backup plan. Get your own bank account and if your paychecks or other income are direct deposited into a joint account, change that today (even if it means getting paper checks for now). I also wouldn’t start dividing up assets unless divorce proceedings are underway (isn’t the point of the divorce process to divide assets?).

      Remember to stand up for yourself. After 10 years, you deserve better than to be brushed off this summarily. It’s really easy to let things (like financial planning) slip by when you’re this caught off guard, so please be careful and don’t let him take advantage of you. Stay strong, and come vent if you need to.

    • AIMS

      I’m really sorry. It’s normal to feel “stupid” right now, but just know that you will get through this. I agree with others that you need to protect yourself, and to be careful with your finances/assets now. You are completely blindesided by this, but he has, I am sure, been thinking about this for some time (whether you knew it or not) and probably has some sort of plan formulated already. I would recommend that in addition to reaching out for emotional support from loved ones, you also contact a good divorce attorney asap. It doesn’t mean you have to file for divorce right away (maybe you can work on a trial separation) but you need someone to look out for your interests.

      I will also add a confession I am not at all proud of — I once “blindsinded” someone. Granted we weren’t married and didn’t have joint accounts, etc., but it was a very serious long term relationship (7 years), and, sadly, I don’t think he saw it coming. I am sharing this because (although obviously every relationship is different) I want you to know that, for me, it was really about me and what I was going through at the time and not about him or anything that he had done. And, yes, there was someone else in the picture though the decision was not about that person. I am not sure if at the time there was anything he could have done to make me change my mind. Perhaps. But I think that if I did come up, it would still have inevitably happened and perhaps it would have been even worse if we had a child or whatever when it did. Anyway, not sure if that’s even remotely helpful, but please know that it’s not because of something you did or didn’t do. Sometimes this just happens.

    • Anonymous

      First, it takes two to get married and two to get divorced. So while he may want out now, it is certainly OK for you to take the time you need to accept his feelings, his decision to leave, and your impending divorce. If you want more time, you can have it. Just take your time responding to him. He can file for divorce as fast as he wants, but you are under no obligation to negotiate, hand over money, or sign papers on his time table.

      For now, check all of your accounts and assets. Make sure you know what you, he, and both of you own. I would make a list. Check all of your joint accounts and do not close or empty any of them. If he takes a bunch of money out of a joint account, make detailed records of this withdrawal.

      While this is a very hard time, and I encourage you to take the time you need to take care of yourself emotionally and respond to him on your own time table, you also need to stay alert to protecting yourself and your interests.

      As for a possible mending of the situation or getting back together. I think it is certainly OK for you to be hopefully, but I would not push him to much. If he has already declared it is over and moved out, it does not seem he is interested in listening to your views of desires.

      Be strong…and lots of love and positive thoughts coming your way.

      • Anon77

        “First, it takes two to get married and two to get divorced. So while he may want out now, it is certainly OK for you to take the time you need to accept his feelings, his decision to leave, and your impending divorce. If you want more time, you can have it. Just take your time responding to him.”

        I had not thought about this, but this is really good advice. OP, you do not have to “file immediately” because he wants to. Don’t let him dictate the terms of this and you follow; you have a voice in it also.

        • gina

          Just be careful on this aspect. It really doesn’t take 2 to get divorced; it only takes 1. The other person can make the divorce longer, more unpleasant and infinitely more expensive (for both parties) but you really can’t stop him from divorcing you (and filing right away) if that’s what he wants. Flat-out refusing the negotiate b/c it’s not on your timetable can be worse for you in the long- (and medium-) run.

          Certainly approach him with a compromise offer, but if he rejects that and decides to pursue divorce immediately, you can’t stop him.

          Signed, a divorce attorney

    • lostintranslation

      First of, hugs to you. I can’t imagine going through something like this. I don’t have any substantial advice to give you, but I want to encourage you to reach out to your longtime friends and support network right now. Even if you feel like “yeah, but I haven’t called them enough this past year and I feel bad, etc.” pick up the phone! I’m just saying this, because in your position, that’s what I would probably guilt myself into thinking. However, if this happened to any friend, even one who’s been out of touch forever, I would want them to call me. You’ll get through this, you are still competent, and don’t apologize for your threadjack!!

      • Ann

        “Even if you feel like “yeah, but I haven’t called them enough this past year and I feel bad, etc.” pick up the phone! I’m just saying this, because in your position, that’s what I would probably guilt myself into thinking. However, if this happened to any friend, even one who’s been out of touch forever, I would want them to call me.”

        This, X 1000.

    • May

      Lots of good thoughts and hugs coming your way.

      It hurts even to think about this.

      When I have big trouble I remind myself “This too will pass”. Hope that helps.

    • eaopm3

      Speaking from a place of some experience, I know it feels so empty right now, especially without the closeness of friends. Forgive yourself if you feel like you should have seen this coming – he may have been thinking about this for some time. If he wasn’t I echo other posters in wondering about the state of his mental health right now. Regardless of the reason for his abrupt exit, trying to get him to come back home will cause you prolonged pain. If he comes back home and you “work through things”, you will never trust that he won’t leave you like this again. If he refuses to come home and you continue to try to repair your marriage, you force yourself to feel rejection over and over again. Protect yourself from this by throwing in the towel and accepting that this is not the person you thought you married and that you deserve someone trustworthy and steadfast and someone who wouldn’t hurt you this way.
      Take some time away this weekend. Get out of the house, get out of town and let yourself grieve. Take care of yourself in the present. Then, when you get back, begin to take care of your future but not letting him blindside you in the months to come.

    • Bunkster

      Ses, I’m so sorry. I’ve never been in a long-term relationship so I can’t help, but we’re in the same city and I could use another friend, too. Do you want to have drinks next week?

      • Ses

        Yes, please. You can email me at yellosaurus at g mail. I’m available all week. I’ve been meaning to ask you out for drinks sometime :)

        • Bunkster

          I’ll email you either tonight or tomorrow. I got stuck in bridge traffic and then dinner with my family. But we’ll definitely meet up next week.

          • K

            not sure where you are but I’m in NYC and if you’re near, or you want an email penpal, please do let me know… I was recently blind-sided as well and, though I’m feeling a tad stronger after 4 mos, I am close enough to relate and maybe far enough out not to commiserate when you need an ear more than a “me too” friend.

    • TackyMum

      First off a big cyber-hug. You have received a lot of thoughtful advice. It takes a long time before you stop feeling as though you are living a step out of synch with the rest of the world. Treat yourself well and understand that you are entitled to time to process this.

      Wholeheartedly agree that you should get legal representation ASAP. Don’t talk to him about it tonight, wait until you have talked to someone who can advise you. Make certain you have sufficient funds to live on for the next month in case he does empty out the joint accounts and right now make arrangements for any incoming funds to go to a bank account in your name only.

      Since he moved out so quickly and behind your back, be certain there is something driving this that is more than he has told you. I don’t know your husband and he may ordinarily be a good person, but when it comes to the end of relationships, people rarely make it happen unless there is a specific goal. This may sound like a mean thing to say, but this is why you need to make sure you have take care of yourself first; because he certainly has taken care of himself first.

    • Anon D

      So sorry you have to go through this. Big hug. Take time to cry and grieve and then try to get organized as some ladies have suggested. It may feel awkward to reach out to old friends, but do it. Recently an old friend of my husbands called him in the middle of the night when his wife left him. It didn’t matter that my husband doesn’t talk to him often but he lept up to go help him and has been offering constant support.

    • Bonnie

      Hugs to you. Even though he doesn’t want to talk about it, you may need to understand what happened for you to move on.

    • Anonymous

      I have been going through a divorce and have often found myself in tears and totally falling apart. The feelings come in waves. When I have totally broken down in front of a friend and apologized for being an emotional basket case, they have repeatedly (and correctly) reminded me that “The whole point of a good friend is that they let you cry on their couch In their office, on the phone, in the car) and don’t judge you for it”.

      When I am done with the crying, self-battering, and feelings of regret and guilt, I am reminded how wonderful it is to have family and friends who care so much about me.

      I promise you, though it is hard, you should call your close family and friends (even old friends you have not spoken to in a while) and tell them what has happened to you. They will drop everything to be there for you. And that is exactly what you need right now.

      Go to someone’s house and just fall apart for a few days. This is the time to really lean on your friends – even if it is a long distance call.

    • eo

      So sorry to hear this. Lots of great advice is already listed here… so I’ll just say that I’m praying for comfort for you and that things will work out for the best. *hugs*

    • MissJackson

      I don’t think that I have much to add beyond the wonderful advice that you’ve already been given, but I do want to send some virtual hugs your way.

    • Coach Laura

      Ses, sorry – no magic words but sending “hugs”.

      If your employer offers one, an EAP is a good way to get a short-term therapist. You may not want/need one long-term but it’s a good way to get quick, competent care and if you “click” with the therapist, you can continue on your own or with insurance coverage. Most EAPs give you 4-6 free or low-cost sessions for this type of event.

      Best of luck to you and hang in there.

    • coco

      I am so sorry you are going through this and I echo the sentiments and ideas of many of the other posters. Yes, there is a long list of things you should do – but only you know how you cope best. Make sure that you take care of yourself, both practically and emotionally. Do you need a few days to just mope? Do you prefer to jump into a project and then mope later? Do what works best for you. And try to do something that gives you pleasure – whether it’s buying yourself something lovely, going out to a fancy meal, or going to the gym (and beating up a punching bag).

    • Ses

      Thank you all for responding. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the advice and bolstering. I am reading it all and it’s really helping. I especially appreciate that some of the Regulars went un-anon to respond. I considered going anon for it, but I guess I just trust this community enough that even if someone recognizes me it wouldn’t be a problem.

      • Another Anon

        Just wanted to give you another hug from the peanut gallery. Wishing you strength.

    • Ebro Fin

      Dear Ses,

      I am so sorry to hear this, it is very difficult. I wish we could make this better, but the best I can do right now is just say take of you, do whatever you want that helps you. It’s not a time to worry about anyone else. If it is at all possible, don’t talk or meet your husband. The two of you won’t be able to avoid having an emotional conversation, and it will just upset you more. It is so difficult to do, but better in the long term if you can get a little emotional distance before interacting with him. You may never really know “why,” and to some extent, right now, you don’t care “why,” this isn’t your problem to fix.

      The financial advice every offers here is sound, you need to protect yourself.

      There aren’t any platitudes that will help, I went through something similar a long time ago. Now, I look back and wish I could hug me then and let me know it would all be OK. So–hugs. It will all be OK.

    • Praxidike

      Well, I’ll give you a different perspective on this. My husband (of five years, at the time) did this same thing to me. One night we were throwing a Christmas party for our closest friends; five days later, he’s telling me he wants a divorce and that there’s no other woman. He moved out and went to live with his parents while I spent Christmas with a friend of mine. I, too, did not have any close friends because I’d moved out to the midwest to be with him!

      Anyway. We went to therapy, both individual and couples. And we stayed together. It was really what we both wanted, but we had some real, significant, lasting communication issues. Therapy really helped with that. We’re still together, and this happened in 2008.

      I won’t lie – it was tough to get past the feelings that he could or would do this at any time in the future. But eventually I did get over them, and now I don’t really doubt him at all. He is a wonderful husband.

      My advice? First of all, call some people you know and trust and talk to them. Get some recommendations for personal therapy (for yourself). You’re going to need it. I’m not saying there’s something wrong with you, but working through this kind of unexpected thing is going to be difficult and a therapist will help you. The therapist will also help you determine if you WANT to stay in the marriage, which is another serious consideration if you’re talking reconciliation.

      Once you’ve done that, then you can start thinking about whether reconciliation is in the cards. Maybe it’s not because he doesn’t want it. Then it’s not your choice, and something you’ll need to deal with. But either way, our couples therapist (whom we still see, actually) says that couples therapy is even helpful for couples that don’t stay together.

      I’m sorry this happened to you. Good luck, whatever happens.

    • Makeup Junkie

      Hi. I was blindsided after a long relationship and I have a lot of sympathy for you because we’d just moved to a new state to follow my ex’s job opportunities (right after college) so I didn’t have any friends nearby either and I was totally alone.
      My ex swore there wasn’t anyone else…and there wasn’t. Not at first, but there was some gossip about many rebound flings, the first of which occurred almost immediately.

      After many wild oats were sown, my ex came back around a few months later claiming a big mistake had been made. I was tempted to reconcile, but by then I’d become accustomed eating brie and baguettes for dinner, painting my nails whenever I wanted without anyone complaining about the smell, and enjoying peace and quiet in the apartment without having the TV blaring all the time.

      So my very trite advice to you is to do something that your husband didn’t enjoy or complained about. Did he complain about the crunching noise when you ate chips? Get a whole bag and pig out. Did he hate chick flicks? Get 3 or 4 of them from RedBox. Was he reluctant to go the beach or for hikes? Get going on your own.

      it’s not going to be easy for you at all and I don’t mean to diminish what you’re going through, but the best thing you can do right now is to do what YOU want to do and try to enjoy it as much as you can. Once you see that life is a good place with or without a partner, everything will be just fine.
      And lawyer up after the weekend.

      • Research, not Law

        And ditto all of this. Especially about doing something your partner hated! It feels so good to find your bliss again. Not his, not “ours”, but YOURS.

        Also agree with the wild oats business. I was crushed – crushed! – when I found out that my ex was dating again after only two weeks. But I took my time, dealt with what I was going through, and collected myself before hitting the dating scene. It paid off. I met a marvelous man and have a beautiful family. Meanwhile ex is still wandering in a bachelor abyss and tries to contact me every six months or so.

      • lostintranslation

        I totally co-sign the brie/baguette and crunchy noise advice for an additional reason. This also helps you assess your past relationship and what you want in a future relationship. My ex was full of positive deal-breaker characteristics (intelligence, ambition, empathy, etc.) but constantly berated me for all kinds of certain small behavior (music, whether I wanted to sleep together or apart, clothing, movies, etc.). After the breakup, I realized that I want someone who has similar tastes in these details as well as the “important stuff”. Knowing this has had a positive influence on my new relationship, so definitely break out the crunchy chips and chick flicks.

    • Research, not Law

      I’m so sorry.

      I’ve also been blindsided. I know that feeling, so big, big hugs.

      My biggest advice is to keep yourself busy. I found it was worse when I was alone, when thoughts could rattle around in my head. It’s so tempting to be a shut-in, but resist. Connect with friends by phone and make some trips to see them. Try to go out with acquaintances after work. Go to the gym – that helped me a LOT. Sign up for an art or dance class. I particularly needed to be distracted during key times, such as when he’d call to tell me he was leaving work, or on our regular movie night.

      Let yourself fall apart. It’s normal. It’s healthy. It will help you move on. Journaling helped me. I could get down all the fears, hurt, pain, and anger. I wrote him a lot of letters I never sent, which was very cathartic.

      I fought hard to get him back in the first weeks. I just couldn’t imagine life without him, like an addiction. Thankfully, he resisted. Everyone’s situation is different, so I hesitate to give you advice there. But do think about whether the relationship is worth the work. I was forced to realize that I had been ignoring and forgiving a lot of things, and that I’d really been the only one bending backwards. It was a one-sided relationship, and had been for a long time.

      I know you feel empty right now and that the world you built and worked on fell apart on you. But trust me, you will look back on this in the near future and realize that it was the best thing that could have happened to you. I promise. A better life is out there for you, and you now have the opportunity to take it.

    • ab68

      I think you’ve received a lot of great advice. I want to emphasize the “lawyer up ASAP” point, however. Some people anticipating a divorce will go to every decent divorce lawyer in town for an initial consultation, thereby “conflicting out” those attorneys and possibly their firms from representing the spouse. Your husband knew what was coming, so he’s had the opportunity to do this. I hope he didn’t, but it is a real possibility. That said, don’t hire the first attorney you meet; try to meet a few to find a good fit.

      • Darlene

        So glad you advised this, ab68. A friend of mine recently did this (his own father was a family law attorney, so he learned it from him) after finally accepting that his wife would never want to reconcile. In the end, he didn’t need it for conflicting out purposes, but he found some amazing attorneys. He ended up with an “affordable” attorney that he goes to for everything, but he also has a super expensive “consultant” attorney that he and his main attorney call upon for advice when unusual issues arise. I think this is a super smart arrangement because no matter how good an attorney is, there are times we wonder if we made the right choice.

    • Anon77

      First off, I am so, so sorry this happened to you.

      If I can share a story that might help – this happened to my best friend. Her husband of 10 years walked into the kitchen one night and said he did not want to be married any more, and that was it. He moved out and never looked back. I guess you can hope your husband will come to his senses and come back to you, but I would not put your life on hold while you wait for this. Because it may not happen. I know it seems like a spur-of-the-moment decision on his part, and maybe something he could easily reverse, but in actuality, he has probably been planning this for some time, you just didn’t know it.

      The bottom line is, he has left and you have things to do, to protect yourself and make sure he does not ruin your credit or take things that belong to you. I know you are saying “not him” but it happens, it’s happened to several people I know. I am not going to tell you not to hope for reconciliation – you couldn’t stop hoping if you tried, most likely – but I will tell you to set your feelings aside and deal with what needs to be done with a hard head and a closed heart. If you cannot do that, I would say to get a good lawyer, someone you trust, and let her handle as much as possible.

      One thing to ask yourself – if your husband did decide to come back, would you really want him? Would you ever be able to trust him again, or would you just be waiting for the other shoe to drop? I am not sure if you have ever been left before, but I have, and I did get back together with the man (fiance, not husband), but our relationship was never, ever the same, and we eventually split for good anyway. Whatever the issues he has with the relationship are, they won’t go away if he comes back, unless he’s willing to go to a LOT of counseling and try to put the relationship back together. I would strongly recommend not ALLOWING him to come back, if he does end up wanting to, without agreeing to serious counseling and a lot of talking about what the hell happened.

      I am so, so sorry this happened to you. You are in the pit right now and I know it may seem like there is no way out. You have a long climb ahead of you, but you WILL survive this, and come out the other side. My friend who was left by her husband has now been remarried for three years and has a great life. It’s not the life she thought she would have at 22, but she has also told me, many times, she feels much stronger and more self-reliant and resilient because of what she went through. She feels that if she survived that, she can survive anything. You are a survivor too, and you will make it. Hang in there.

    • Michelle

      Ses, i am so very sorry this happened to you, sending virtual hugs… Lots of great advice here, but one thing I would add is, don’t rush into anything, no matter how much he wants to do everything right away. He’s been thinking about this for a while, but it just happened to you, you deserve space and time to deal with it all. Especially don’t make any financial or legal decisions until you are ready and have gotten professional advice, fast action is not to your benefit. Take care of yourself.

    • conbrio

      I don’t have anything unique to contribute, other than to send you another hug, but want to say that it’s really heartwarming to see this outpouring of support (and great advice) from other corporettes. I agree that you need to reach out to the people who really know you – even if they’re far away. I wish you the best of luck.

    • Do you live in California?

      In California, a marriage is presumptively a “long term marriage” once you hit 10 years. (May also be in other states, don’t know.) So once you celebrate ten years, you are presumptively entitiled to alimony. Maybe he is trying to beat the clock?

      Do not take anything for granted. People are capable of anything and everything. The only thing that stops you from conceiving of what he already has done or might still do is your own sense of disbelief.

    • cbackson

      You have a lot of good advice already, but I just wanted to let you know that this happened to me, almost exactly one year ago. We had been married three years and together for seven.

      Not knowing you, I can’t tell you if it’s reasonable to hope that he’ll come back. I can tell you that you have to take him at his word, and his word is that he wants to leave. You need to act first to protect yourself, and in your case, I would really recommend getting a lawyer because it sounds like he’s pushing you to take legal actions while you’re still reeling, emotionally. I would advise you to do this absolutely as soon as possible.

      When my husband left, I realized that I could act in a way that I’d be proud of later, or a way that I’d be ashamed of later. Choosing the former meant that I mustered all the grace I had when dealing with my in-laws; that I interacted with my ex-husband only when required to transact the business of our divorce, and that I negotiated as implacably with him as I would for a client when it came to the things that mattered to me.

      Most importantly, I decided that he had no right to emotional intimacy with me anymore. I didn’t let him unburden himself to me and when I was desperate to talk to him, to beg him to come back, I forced myself to call a friend instead. I went to therapy. As soon as the last bit of business (a post-divorce income tax filing) was done, I severed all contact with him. I don’t even know where he lives.

      Was it hard and awful? It felt like being racked. But it was what I had to do in order to protect myself. What you need to do may be different, but whatever it is: do it. The hardest thing for me to realize was that the man that I loved was no longer acting with my best interest in mind. Even if you reconcile with your husband, right now, he is not thinking of you – he’s thinking of himself, and you must do what is necessary now to ensure your own emotional and financial well-being.

      My divorce was the hardest thing that I have ever gone through. There is a life for you – a good life – on the other side of this crisis. But unfortunately, the only way out is through.

      • Samantha

        cbackson – I remember your posts last year (I had no advice, just hugs) and am so impressed to read in what a mature, responsible, controlled and wonderful way you dealt with it. Proud of you, strong lady!

      • Ses

        Wow, cbackson, I *remember* when this happened to you. I clearly remember thinking “I have nothing to offer this woman, because I would have no idea how to feel better if this ever happened to me. I hope the other Corporettes can tell her what to do.”
        I really appreciate your message from the other side. We’re close in age and were married for the same amount of time (Together 10 years, but we waited 7 years to marry and the delay was mostly him…maybe that should have been a clue?)
        I am going to try to follow in your intelligent footsteps. I have been providing that emotional intimacy you talked about, but I am now rethinking that as a result of your post.

    • Ses

      I want to reply to each post, because there is not a single post on this thread that I did not find helpful. I mean that with absolute sincerity. I’m still a mess, but I’m starting to see my way through.

      One reason I’m not replying individually is that I have to pack my things so I can find a new place and throw out all this sh*tty furniture we were going to throw out when we bought and moved into a new house (that was supposed to occur this fall). Apartment lease is up at the end of the month.

      I know this is not the case with many marriages, but my standard of living will actually increase due to being the much higher wage earner of the two of us. I bought two dresses today with money I had been allocating to one of his expenses. I know I need to lawyer up and protect my assets, but I just haven’t had the motivation to do it. (I will, I will – but first, I need spa. And probably new shoes for the dress.)

      That sounds flip, but I guess that’s one of my 50 different moods per day (I’m getting a therapist too.)
      I guess – – make light or cry your effing eyeballs out, right?

  3. AJ

    All the talk of the Bay Area meetup has made me jealous. Anyone interested in a New York meetup? I know there are a ton of us. I think we’ve done it before, but it was when I was going through an interminably shy period.

  6. Blonde Lawyer

    On a whim I googled “maroon women’s blazer” and came up with this gem of a website. If you get passed the first normal looking model/picture, the rest are totally bizarre! My favorite is the older plus sized model with her arms up in the air like “I don’t know what I’m doing!” Enjoy!

    http://blazerdepot.com/pages/ladies_jkt/all_w_jkt.html

  8. Eponine

    Question. I took some trousers to the tailor to be hemmed. They were new and still had all the tags. She took the tags off, but she also took the little packet with the extra buttons, and she didn’t give it back to me. I didn’t notice until I got home. Is that normal or is it something I should complain about?

    Relatedly, I would pay to use this site if it meant I never had to see the f-ing posting too quickly message again. This is my first post in days, WordPress. Eff off.

    • eo

      I might just be a touch OCD on this one, but I’d ask for those buttons back!

      • Eponine

        Thanks guys… yeah, I thought it was weird, because obviously she didn’t need to clean the pants so why take them off at all? So that if I lose a button I’ll have to take it to the tailor instead of replacing it myself? Annoying.

    • AD

      Is anyone else getting those floating pop-ups lately? That’s not something I usually have problems with on my work computer, but I’ve had it happen a couple of times this week.

    • Brahmin Almost-Newbie

      I send tons of my clothes for tailoring and usually they still have tags and so forth on them. Never had it happen. Ask for the buttons!

  9. ANP

    Happy weekend! Just felt the need to share that I ordered my very 1st Kate Spade bag this week via their big sale. I’ve coveted a KS purse for a long time but always try to be frugal…anyway, pulled the trigger this week on a lovely medium sized pale gold model. I can’t wait for it to get here!

      • Esquirette

        Definitely a good choice. I got two Kate Spade bags in law school (thank you Westlaw and Lexis points!) and they still are going strong despite how hard I am on my bags. Enjoy!

  10. bee

    Never tried Athleta. I’m too addicted to Lululemon. I just discovered it about 4 months ago, and I’m totally an addict now. Few things bring me more joy than wearing my Lululemon duds!

    • Anon

      Me too! And I just really got something from them maybe 6 mos ago. Its totally my incentive clothing for my marathon training!

    • lostintranslation

      I reallyreally don’t like it’s name, but have you or anyone else tried their ta-ta tamer bra? It seems promising for a 32C, which is too floppy for standard S/M/L/XL sports bras, but too flat for a lot of other sports bras with the band+cup sizing.

      • M

        Size down in the ta-ta tamer if you like the girls held snugly. Too much movement in my regular size (32/34D) so I size down to 32C.

      • Jas

        I’m a 34D and it is a fantastic bra (although I think I have the Ta Ta Tamer II?). It gives great support without resorting to that “mushed together” look that somehow somehow gives you cleavage while simultaneously flattening you out (e.g. the 50 Rep Bra, which gives me so much cleavage I can and have stored things in it).

          • Anonymous

            I’m confused – why is this a “smashtrocity”? Have you tried it and it isn’t good?

          • lostintranslation

            Because in comparison to the lulu bra which has a defined structure and cups, the one I linked to looks like it just mashes everything together with really thick straps. It might work for some, but aside from the bra being ugly, I don’t imagine it being much more effective than just wearing two sports bras (my current strategy).

          • bee

            For running, I used to use something like that. It was effecitve, but neither attractive nor comfortable.

            THEN I got fitted by Intimacy, the bra boutique, and they sold me 2 fabulous sports bras that keep my boobs in one place & don’t smush them together. One is Freya Active. I can’t remember the other. They’re aren’t attractive either, but they do a great job. I’m half convinced the other sports bras I used to wear damaged my breast tissue.

          • Anonymous

            I guess I don’t really understand why a sports bra needs to be attractive. The purpose is to protect during strenuous physical activity, right? I’m all for pretty underthings during non-workout time, but sports bras? Bring on the plain black utility model, please.

            I’m trying to picture any man giving 2 cents about whether or not his jock strap is ugly or attractive…

          • Jas

            @Anonymous: I sometimes work out in a tank top which shows parts of my sports bra, so really a sports bra is the only bra of mine that the public sees. I don’t think that means it has to be pretty, but I feel better having people see me in it when it’s not totally ugly or doing bizarre things to my chest.

          • Eponine

            @Anon – I end up wearing my sports bra on my commute after working out, while I run errands before going to yoga, etc. I’d rather not have a uniboob in public.

      • Anonymous

        Also a 32C, and I’ve worn the Donna Karan underwire sports bra for years (since college, through years of horseback riding, running, tennis, etc.). It’s not terribly attractive, but it’s the best support/fit that I’ve found.

        I have to say that I’ve never been terribly impressed with Lululemon products. I’ve liked Prana and Be Present for yoga tops/pants, and Stella McCartney/Adidas for running gear. Always looking for something new/different/better, though…

        • Anon

          YES! I got a DK underwire sports bra at Nordstrom last year and it was amazing! I’m a 34DD and have never found anything that I felt supported me. This bra is heaven. I agree that it’s not attractive, but it did it’s job very, very well. I’ve never tried Lulu or Athleta products, so I can’t compare, but I’m quite happy with DK for high impact stuff.

      • Anon

        I’m a 32F/G and I get the Ta Ta Tamer in 34DD and I like it. I prefer it with the back crossed for support, but this makes it much harder to put on. But my chest looks “normal” in it and it seems like enough support. Ran 12 miles in it last weekend with little chafing (all sports bras chafe me on long runs).
        If you really want something hardcore, go the shockabsorber route. Or enell. Ta Ta is a good bra though.

        • Anon

          Update (I’m the Anon at 5:02pm) – 18 mile sin the heat and humidity in the Ta Ta — Felt pretty supported and only minimal back chafing (I’m certain that wouldn’t be an issue if lulu would make the bra in a 32E or F, but alas…). When you are absolutely soaked with sweat, it is not quite as supportive as if you are only minimally sweaty. That said, I didn’t have an issue and it may be my marathon bra given the minimal chafing. I don’t like it when its the first couple days of my period because I need something that smashes me more because I can feel every step from sore breasts, but its good any other time.

        • lostintranslation

          Really? I was googling them and found that they’re on sale for $12.50 at Cabelas. My feelings about the store aside, that’s a pretty good deal for these kinds of sports bras from any brand. Now I’m tempted.

          • Eponine

            OMG. Just looked and it seems too good to be true – and it is, they only have size small in the DD. Oh well. If they have your size go for it! They’re seriously the best sports bra ever. They separate the girls nicely, they have adjustable straps and back, they’re thick enough to prevent headlights and come up high enough to prevent nip slip (a problem for me in yoga sometimes).

    • a passion for fashion

      my new favorite is Lucy. i love, love, love the workout gear. the pants are kinda like wearing a comfy pair of spanks, if that makes any sense, so you look good (and for me i really mean feel good) while working out.

    • MissJackson

      There’s finally one opening in my neighborhood very soon (previously my city has been Lululemon-less). I’m excited, and terrified. I’m a runner and I’m already prone to over-spending on my workout gear… and I’m afraid that this might put me over the edge. $100 yoga pants that everyone swears are worth every cent? I’m doomed.

    • Equity's Darling

      I’m glad that so many Americans love the lulu!! I’ve been wearing their stuff since I was in high school (and I’m now finished law school and currently articling….so I’ve been a fan lulu for about a decade). It’s mildly crazy just how much of their clothing I have. I just can’t say no to them…

      I know for many years that they were only a Canadian thing- but they went public, and expanded, and I’m so happy that now we can all wear the little omega sign. There are just few Canadian companies that can (or have) make the jump to the US market successfully, so…yay lulu!

    • S

      Ta-ta tamers and smashrocity? Why don’t guys ever have to deal with goofy stuff like this? Can you image if they had to ask the salesperson for “ball-behavers” when they simply wanted to buy some decent athletic apparel?

      OK–vent over. Continue the holiday weekend! (P.S. I love Lululemon, too!)

    • Anonymous

      I want to show this thread to my boyfriend so he’ll stop making fun of my lulu obsession. I’m the same as bee, just discovered it a few months ago and now may have to clear out another drawer in my dresser just for my lulu stuff. I’m in 60+ days of 100-degree weather territory, so the CRB has been amazing all summer for running errands in the middle of the day. If only my firm would adopt a business casual + lululemon dress code…

      I’m also a 32C and thought the Ta Ta Tamer II would be my dream bra after seeing it online, but I discovered I can’t wear it with the straps crossed. On me, they’re ridiculously short (not just a big snug and uncomfortable, but so short that the top of the cups was hovering around my collarbone). I also sometimes feel like Madonna in the cone bra because it’s *so* molded. Still, it works if I wear the straps regular with a thick enough top, and is much more comfortable than racerbacks, which I can never seem to get off without popping a shoulder out of its socket.

    • Bunkster

      I love Athleta. I have 3 of their bra-cup tunics. I’d have more, but they don’t sell them anymore. These tops provide full coverage so I don’t worry that I’m falling out in my killer gym classes.

    • AB

      I also discovered Lululemon a few months ago and now I can’t stop! I keep buying (and loving) what I get from there in spite of their very short return policy and inconsistent pricing between stores and online. For example, I just got a pair of “Yoga Camp” pants online full price, went to get them hemmed at the store, found out they were $30+ cheaper, and they would not price match or let me return them and re-buy… Will I keep buying from them? Absolutely. I’m totally addicted.

  11. bee

    I mostly do pilates, so I don’t need a sports bra, generally speaking. I have just been buying their tanks w/ the built-in support.

    Yeserday I bought the riding crops (yay!) in wren denim. Can’t wait for them to arrive. And, I couldn’t resist the legwarmers, even though they were $45!

    • Navy

      I love Lulu!! I use it for my dance classes, skating, lounging, pretty much everything. However, I don`t like their bras. They are way too big for me (34 A-). I can never get the cups to fit right. Actually, I can`t find any sports bras that fit right. I don`t think they realize that small girls bounce too. Any suggestions

      • Anon

        Check out the women’s forum on Runnersworld.com – there have been some threads on this issue.

      • ER

        I’ve been really happy with Nike sports bras. I haven’t bought any in a few years, but that also means that they really haven’t stretched that much, despite a lot of use! I’m also 34A- (A cups are usually a tad big on me).

        • Houda

          I am exactly the same 34 A and A cups are usually large on me, but Nike sports bras (size XS) work wonders. I have several of the same black bra with white swoosh (the only color shipped to my country). As soon as I get to travel overseas I will look for additional colors to spice things up.
          Very good support for high impact training.

      • Digby

        I’ve been happy with Moving Comfort sports bras – I think I got them from Title 9. Also, I have a couple of C9 by Champion bras from Target that are pretty good.

        • roses

          Totally agree with the Moving Comfort rec. I picked up a ton of it at Nordstrom Rack, and it’s the most comfortable running gear I own.

      • cbackson

        I have an awesome Moving Comfort sports bra – the Vixen – that is specifically designed for less-endowed ladies. LOVE it.

  12. cakehands

    I have a corporate world newbie question. I wear size 11 shoes and I’m 5’10” but I still like to wear heels to work. Unfortunately it seems that pretty much any type of shoe gives me blisters/shreds my toes and the back of heels apart. I was in so much pain this afternoon that on my walk home from the train I took off my shoes and walked barefoot (don’t worry I live in the suburbs and only had to walk a few blocks!!).
    I’ve tried blister bandages but those never stay on my feet, and they don’t make those Dr. Scholls stowaway flats in my size. I’m hoping my feet will heal over the long weekend, but I would like some tips for next week. Thanks!

    • LadyEnginerd

      Have you tried heel cushions that you stick inside your shoe? You can find them at the drugstore, and they work wonders for me. In a similar vein, I’ve heard heel cups mentioned on here before, but I’ve never used one. Sometimes I just put in a pad at the ball of my foot and it scooches my foot back far enough that my heel doesn’t rub.

    • MissJackson

      Two suggestions:

      (1) You need comfortable commute shoes. Lots of people hate them, but they don’t HAVE to be completely ugly. Yes, you have to carry extra shoes with you (or just let your heels live in your office), but isn’t this better than blisters/shredded toes and heels? Find a good pair of shoes that won’t kill you (or one pair per season, maybe), and commute in them every day.
      (2) For general blister prevetion and heeling, try that second skin bandage stuff. I forget what it’s called, but it comes in a little vial that you paint on to your wound. It dries and creates a layer of flexible protection that is much more durable than your standard bandaid. It’s a godsend.

    • Esquirette

      People have discussed this on here before so you could try searching. I think a lot of people swear by moleskin (I think that’s what it is called). I keep meaning to try it — my feet are smaller than yours but they get torn up frequently too.

    • a passion for fashion

      I second all of the above advice once you actually have blisters, but for preventing them in the first place:

      spend more $$ on good, high-quality shoes and live by the mantra that if it hurts in the store, it will hurt when you get it home. Along the same line, find shoe brands that fit you.

      I used to constantly be in your position, but now i rarely am. I wear almost exclusively stuart weitzman and manolos, and for lesser expensive brands, via spiga, franco sarto and ann klein. I’ve sworn off coach, faragamo and jimmy choo, as well as nine west. Thats not to say those brands are not good — they are, just not for my feet.

      • AJ

        It’s so funny how feet differ, isn’t it? Ann Klein is one of the brands I’ve sworn off of for good. Bally fits me well, although I only have one pair, and Calvin Klein and Sofft are my go-tos for everyday shoes. I also have accepted that I have to buy leather. Plastic shoes ruin my feet.

    • anonny

      I’m size 10 and sometimes 11 in certain shoes and so feel your pain. Definitely do commute shoes. For the heel:

      Try runner’s glide stick on the back of your heel. Try to stick with styles that are in a soft leather, as opposed stiff patents, etc. Socks or hose are a huge help (although I hate wearing).

      For the toes: Pads in the base of heels often help keep the foot from scrunching too far forward. I don’t know why, but for some reason shoes that promote arch support tend to be a lot better, too. Might just be that my high instep makes me slide around more though, too?

      Also, make sure your feet are totally dry when you put them in shoes. Any moisture tends to make rubbing worse.

      Good Luck!

    • LinLondon

      I’m similarly tall and big-footed and have many tale of shoe woe. I recently bought Cole Haan and Stuart Weitzman shoes and I have to say that the difference is really, really marked. I used to max out at around a hundred bucks for shoes, but the nicer ones really made a huge difference, straight out of the box. Particularly the Weitzmans. I’d definitely recommend buying higher-end shoes and, if the cost is too steep, keep your eyes peeled on 6pmdotcom for good sales.

    • ER

      My guess is that eventually, your feet will get used to the new type of shoe and you won’t get too many blisters anymore. Until that happens, I agree to use a commuting shoe and to apply band-aids early and often.

    • Eponine

      Moleskin. Put it on your feet, not the shoe. But really, I just find it impossible to wear closed shoes without socks or hose unless they are super high quality shoes with a buttery soft leather lining.

      For the commute, flipflops?

    • Lobbyist

      I’m only 5 9 and wear a size 10.5 shoe.

      Most days I wear at least two pairs of shoes– saving the heels or cute shoes for meetings and wearing the more comfy shoe for walking and office time.

      I am over 40 and too practical to make my feet suffer.

      Comfy shoe brands: sofft, born, Franco Sarto, flats, even trotters

      Cute shoe brands: taryn rose, Stuart Weitzman, cole haan (I do not find them comfy at all. Even the air Nike ones. I’m not buying any more

      I have a bunch of insolia inserts (recommended here) that I put in most of my heels.

      I never buy higher than 3 inch heel and mostly buy 2. Best is kitten heel.

      Good luck!! I feel your pain, I really do.

    • MJ

      HI Cakehands–I am 5’11” with 11/11.5s. There are shoes out there that fit you, but you have to be honest with yourself about what size you are. Are you a narrow or a wide, perhaps? There are a lot of options for us bigfoot girls. You may want to try marmi (they have high end shoe stores that carry a lot of Van Eli) or Nordstrom. Go get fitted. And I second the advice that if it isn’t comfy from the get-go…don’t buy it.

      Some cheaper options that are actually supportive (varies by shoe) include Land’s End Canvas ballet flats and JCrew flats. I also wear a lot of bandolino, nine west and cole haan (but not pointy cole haans). My go-to pumps are Stuart Weitzman. Pricy, but they hold up.

      Give your feet some time off this weekend by wearing sandals, so they can heal. And toss your blister-inducing shoes. They need to go.

    • N.

      I feel your pain, too — my feet blister up at just about anything. Here are a few things that have worked for me over the years:
      1) Medical tape for toes that are prone to blistering — I mummy them up completely with tape so it’s like a second skin (use small pieces and smooth it out so there are no wrinkles or those spots will be likely to rub). I got this tip on a hiking forum and it works surprisingly well, so I’ve started using it for other everyday shoes that rub.
      2) Body Glide on my heels or other parts that are prone to rubbing. I find this works best for sandal straps or other little things, not so much for shoes where the whole heels rubs.
      3) Heel pads from Foot Petals — you need to have a little extra room in the shoe for this to work, though. I like that brand because it really sticks to your shoes well.
      4) Compeed blister plasters — this is my go-to remedy when I already have a blister, particularly heel blisters. They’re cushiony and stay put reasonably well.

    • Anon

      I am only 5’7″ and wear an 11. And a persnickety 11, no less. I do a lot of online shoe shopping, and almost as much returning. If I have even a doubt in my mind about whether a shoe will be comfy in the long run, I return it right away. I have spent too much of my working life with bloodied and torn up feet.

      That said, I do think your feet will get used to a new genre of shoes. I am a big fan of frequently-reapplied blister stick in the meantime. I have used Body Glide geared toward runners, as well as Bandaid brand that you can buy at Target, and both work well for me.

      Totally agree that you need to be honest about your size and try wides or narrows to get the best fit you can. I find myself sticking with the same brands over and over (Sofft work really well for me, to the point where I will snatch up new styles at full price and continuously stalk 6pm.com for Sofft sales). I WANT Cole Haan to work for me, but they never have.

      I also try to give my feet breaks on days where I am not wearing a suit. When possible, I will wear ballet flats or 1-2 inch wedges. I save the 3 inch heels for full-on suit occasions. (I end up wearing a suit fairly frequently – at least once every two weeks. If I didn’t, I would still keep the less comfy shoes in rotation, because I find that they hurt the most when I haven’t worn them for a while).

      • Unsub

        I’m a size 10 with very picky toes. I’ve had surgery and I really need to protect them. A couple of months ago I found a product called “Pump Pouches” in Target. They are “amazing wraparound toe cushions” that cover your entire forefoot and feel great. They are thin but cushioned and have allowed me to wear a lot of closed toe shoes that hurt before. I highly recommend.

  13. b23

    Last year, I bought a pair of over-the-knee boots. I know, I didn’t think I would like them either, but I loved this one pair. They are a rich caramel brown riding boot, flat, from Loft, so definitely not the va-va-voom type you normally picture. Do you think they’re still in style? I haven’t been seeing as many over-the-knee boots this year as last. I still really like them, though. But I figure I can just chop off the top when they go out of style, assuming riding boots will still be in.

    • Bonnie

      I think you’ll still get plenty of use of them with pants. I have to share that I found a perfect pair of handmade knee high leather boots today and they were marked down for the end of the season.

    • bee

      Gosh, I feel like I’ve been seeing a lot of over-the-knee boots this year. Maybe not as high as last year’s, but I’ve been seeing a lot of knee-high boots, anyway.

    • Anonymous

      The front row fashion girls are still wearing them over skinny pants with tunics, vests– Lauren and Tatiana Santo Domingo, etc. The Vogue bellweathers.

    • Bunkster

      I have a pair of over-the-knee boots. I bought them because I have long legs, but tiny feet. So they’re marketed as over-the-knee boots, but they’re knee-high on me. I’d spent years (literally) looking for knee-high boots until I found these.

    • Miss D.

      b23, I think classic riding-type boots will ALWAYS be in style. Can you fold down the over-knee tops to get two looks?

  14. Jane Doe

    I am sort of on the other side of this right now and was actually thinking about seeking some validation. My husband of six years and I have been having problems almost since the beginning. He has been consistently saying he doesn’t like me and wants to leave me about a year and a half, routinely insults me and gives hours-long lectures on my faults, and had sex with a number of prostitutes throughout 2010. [what am I still doing with him right? We’re young, it’s our first marriage, he has a number of very positive qualities, when he’s not engaging in the above-listed behaviors he’s actually great, I still love him and initially couldn’t bear the thought of letting him go, etc.]

    I gave divorce a couple months of serious thought and then last week, I just hit my limit and told him we’re done and I’m moving out when our lease ends this month. He feels like I blindsided him, because my resolve came about pretty suddenly. He reacted by having sex with two more prostitutes, and now that he’s had a chance to think about being alone he wants another shot. He claims he can and will change, though he’s said that in the past and not been successful at it. I don’t want to give him another shot. I want to file the papers next week, sign a lease, and move out.

    The only reason I’m feeling even the slightest bit hesitant is because I made the decision pretty fast, even though I spent a lot of time thinking about it. Does anyone think I’ll regret it if I refuse to give him another chance?

    • another anon

      Holy cr@p. Get out now. He is LITERALLY ENDANGERING your LIFE every time he has sex with a prostitute. Why would you want to be with someone who could do that to you once, let alone multiple times? No “positive qualities” can make up for this behavior, in my opinion.

    • Jas

      Not to be flip, but it sounds like you’ve given him lots of chances, and he’s let you down every time. If it takes the threat of you leaving to get him to behave like a decent person (and in my mind, decent people do not routinely ignore and insult their partners), you’ll be stuck with one foot out the door for the rest of the relationship. That’s not a sustainable way to live.

    • The Bad Wife

      Run. He sounds vile. I don’t know if you want support or permission to leave. If the latter, you have it. Please leave him. And get a full STD panel.

      • Ellen

        I agree. If my Alan had done this, he would be out that night. All he did was drink, and I still kicked him out. I would never get in bed with a guy who was with a prostituate, especially more then once! FOOEY ON HIM! FOOEY!

    • meme

      Get out now. Forget the lease. If your husband has been sleeping with numerous prostitutes for years, I’d say the chances of that behavior stopping, permanently, are pretty low. Really, it sounds like you don’t have much perspective on this situation because you’re in the middle of it, but his behavior is ridiculous and abusive. You didn’t “blindside” him. He knew as soon as he started sleeping around and exposing you to STDs and treating you like crap that he was throwing your relationship out the window. I’m not seeing any gray area here. He’s all black – run.

      • Jane Doe

        Already handled the STD panel (and obviously haven’t touched him this week and have no plans to do so in the future).

        What I’ve really been wanting is clarity. To KNOW that I’m making the best possible decision instead of just feeling happy and excited about the prospect of getting out. I don’t take it lightly. It is probably the biggest decision I will ever make in my entire life, which is why it makes me nervous to say ‘no, I’m not willing to even consider working it out with you and there is not a single thing you can do to change that.’ That and the fact that I lack the ability to see my own situation clearly, which is where all of the kick-ass corporetters come in to offer that much-needed perspective. Run. Got it. Thanks.

        • Anonymous

          Good heavens, imagine if it were your daughter.

          Would there be any doubt as to Knowing the best possible decision?

          YOU are someone’s daughter, and you are a unique and beautiful person and you deserve better. It might not be given to you– you might have to take it and make it on your own. But you will do better than he is doing for you. Believe. Outta there, someone’s daughter. Love yourself.

        • Esquirette

          “To KNOW that I’m making the best possible decision instead of just feeling happy and excited about the prospect of getting out.”

          I would say that feeling happy and excited about the prospect of getting out is *how* you know this is the right decision. Please leave him — it is what you want to do. Moreover, it is the best thing you can do.

          • C2

            I agree completely. I’m sure that the happiness/excitement will be hard to remember sometimes in the coming weeks as you adjust to such a monumental change, but I think that is your heart and subconscious telling you that now is the time. There are certainly a small percentage of marriages that recover from these kinds of problems, but you are dealing with both chronic, selfish, dangerous infidelity AND emotional abuse and attacks on your self-worth. We don’t know you or your relationship, but those are some incredibly serious issues to overcome. I don’t want to say that this marriage would be doomed no matter what, only that the forecast is incredibly gloomy, and Jane, you are still so young. If you leave now you have so much time to build yourself a new life and learn to love yourself enough to never let anyone treat you this way again. I would hate for you to sink 6 more years into this relationship only to come to the same conclusion about him. Getting a divorce is not being a quitter; sometimes it’s self-preservation and the kindest thing you can do for yourself.

        • meH

          CLEARLY this is the best possible decision for you. “getting back at you” by hooking up with prostitutes? Seriously?

          I hope for your sake that this decision to leave a bizarre, unhealthy, unfaithful, unfufilling relationship is not the most difficult decision you will make in your life! I would not wish a relationship like that on my enemies.

          Start packing–either his stuff or yours. Tomorrow is a new day. Chin up, eyes forward.

          Leave a $20 on the nightstand for him to use to console himself.

          • Jane Doe

            Ha, I hope I can bring that much spunk with me into the next phase of my life. Reminds me of this breakup book I picked up a couple of years ago, ‘I used to miss him but my aim is improving.’ The divorce books were all so depressing. That one seemed to have the right attitude.

    • LinLondon

      I can only vehemently agree with what has already been said. Six years of emotional abuse with, as another anon said, LITERALLY putting your life in danger is not “pretty fast.” The things has has done to you are absolutely reprehensible. You need to get away from him now, get a health checkup, and I think you probably need to talk to a therapist about why you were willing to put up with someone who would treat you like that for so long. Good luck, please stay strong and resolute.

    • Research, not Law

      Get out. Get out. Get out.

      He won’t change, and the reason you made the decision quickly is that it’s the right decision. Get out.

      • 2true

        I agree. Jane Doe is a troll. Slept with “numerous prostitutes”? “Otherwise great guy”? Yeah. Right. Somebody from ATL got bored.

      • locomotive

        I don’t know… it is appalling to imagine that this is what people can do, but people can do some pretty appalling things. My uncle had a problem with prostitutes and for the duration of their 30+ year marriage my aunt pretended it didn’t happen until he got genital warts. It was terrible to think and learn about because to me my uncle was this awesome guy who brought me presents and taught me how to fish.

        • Eponine

          A lot of women are just naive – most women would be surprised by how common it is for men to have paid for sex at least once or twice, and a lot of men visit prostitutes regularly.

    • The Bad Wife

      Also consider therapy to learn how to catch red flags before your next relationship.

      • Brahmin Almost-Newbie

        this. Be safe. You may need to confer with some sort of protection agency; talk to your attorney.

    • Eponine

      I don’t think your marriage is going to work out, and I think he’s an emotionally abusive a-hole who’s trying to manipulate you. BUT, that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try to make it work if your marriage is that important to you. Ask yourself, how do you feel about being divorced? How will you feel knowing you didn’t do everything you could to save your marriage? If those two questions trouble you, then consider staying but only if he agrees to attend marriage counseling, starting immediately. Working with the counselor, give yourself a deadline to get out of things haven’t improved.

      • Jane Doe

        I feel really good about being divorced (not in the abstract, but for sure in the concrete I would not be married to this person anymore sense). The second question troubles me a teeny tiny bit.

        But I think the bigger risk is getting sucked back in and then losing all of this nice emotional momentum. I feel happy about leaving and ready to move on. If I were to put effort into making it work I worry that I would no longer feel that way in the future. I don’t *think* I’ll regret not giving it another day/week/month/year to see if he can behave like a decent human being, but I can’t be certain.

        • Eponine

          You could always shoot for a happy medium and separate but go to counseling. If after a predetermined number of months of counseling you want to move back in and give it a shot, you could do so. If it becomes evident the marriage isn’t fixable, then you haven’t been sucked back in.

          Divorce is hard, I’m not going to lie. Even when it’s the right thing to do it’s hard to let go of the promise you made on your wedding day. I can’t blame you for wanting to fix things. And I have seen people change in really incredible, transformative ways. It’s just unlikely that this will actually happen to your husband and your marriage will work out, especially since he’s already hurt you so deeply.

          • Jane Doe

            It’s a good suggestion, I’m just not in a place emotionally at the moment that makes me want to put effort into saving the marriage (which I know is a totally separate issue from what I asked originally, whether I would regret not trying to save it).

            Maybe I can move out and we can file for divorce, and then if a few months go by and we’re both feeling like it might be worth working on the marriage start seeing a counselor. California has a six-month waiting period, so it wouldn’t be final for awhile anyway. If I truly thought he would do a 180 and be a decent guy for the rest of our lives, staying together would probably be superior to my re-entering the dating market and beginning the search for my next husband, further delaying having a family. I just don’t see it happening.

            Thanks for the support; I feel like I’m finding it everywhere.

    • CC

      I mean this in a nice way. You sound crazy. (I swear I mean it nicely.) There is no good quality in the world that makes up for that. Seriously he could be saving puppies from drowning, volunteering at the orphanage every day while running the make a wish foundation, and you should still leave him.

      • Anonymous

        Right. As in, manipulated past your senses. Get out and get them back with love, time, and professional help.

      • Jane Doe

        I know. Taken in a nice way. I should probably just get the words “the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior” tattooed on my forehead for future reference.

        • Lucy

          No, get it tattooed on *his* forehead.

          Seriously, if you were my sister/girlfriend/whatever I’d be offering to pay for your moving truck plus some friendly gentlement to kneecap the spouse. Prostitutes? Oy, vey.

      • Anonymous

        She doesn’t sound crazy. She sounds abused. Emotional abuse can be as bad or worse that physical beatings. Jane: your doubts are the result of HIS ABUSE! He wants you to second guess yourself and he wants to make you feel worthless. And for the person who called her a troll, please, please go read a book on domestic abuse. I am so tired of women who ask questions here being called trolls.

        • Jr. Prof

          Second this. It’s really sad that women’s perceptions are constantly doubted.

          Emotional abuse destroys people’s confidence in their perceptions. If there’s any chance Jane Doe is a real person – which I think there is – we should be giving her the support she needs to make healthy changes in her life.

        • CC

          I hope I didn’t come off as insensitive, I put in a nice way to try to make that clear. I wanted to make the point that the story sounds crazy, and that her perceptions are so messed up that she is even considering staying. To make the point that that question is crazy, and she needs a support system and the strength to get out of there. Abused people sound crazy, I am not saying they are at all, just when you write down on paper the abuse your going through, it can sometimes really help to see how crazy and toxic the situation has become. Like “on one hand I have that he is a good provider and makes me laugh and is smart, I like our conversations. On the other hand is emotionally manipulative, visits prostitutes and throws it in my face to try to control me. Hmm ok the bad definitely outweighs the good there.” So I wanted to nicely tell her the situation sounds crazy, there is no way she should be staying.

    • Anon

      You finally listened to your gut. GET OUT. You will regret not getting out sooner, but will not regret staying with him.

    • LadyEnginerd

      Everyone’s advice is right on the money. I’m going to add my voice to the chorus. Your question is whether you’ll regret it. From my experience? Abso-freaking-lutely not. Should you feel bad because he *says* he’s blindsided? Someone like him will *always* be blindsided because he doesn’t have the empathy to see it from your perspective. If he had been putting himself in your shoes at all, he’d have known that he was skating on thin ice and even felt bad about behaving badly. Can he really not see how sleeping with *more* prostitutes is not exactly a good way of earning your respect and trust?

      Been there, got the merit badge with an old boyfriend. I hit my limit, broke it off, and stood my ground while he freaked out (and believe me, he had a doozy of a freak-out and as an added bonus I still had to see him around professionally). I am so glad I did, and I have since found someone with whom I am very happy.

    • Jr. Prof

      oh my goodness! This person is a classic emotional abuser. You MUST LEAVE NOW! He will only make your life worse & worse through the cycle of abuse: abusive incident -> romantic reconciliation -> promise to never do it again -> abusive incident -> blames you for causing it -> apologies & romantic reconciliation -> repeat ad nauseum, until your psyche and spirit are completely squashed. You must leave NOW while you still have the will to do so.

    • Always a NYer

      Please file for divorce and move out as soon as you can. You won’t regret not giving him another chance after he’s already blown so many chances you gave him before. What you will regret is learning that you have an STD. This relationship is unhealthy for you and you need to have a full STD panel run. Also get checked for AIDS, which you will need to have done again in 3, 6, and 9 months because sometimes it doesn’t show in your blood right away.

      Know that you deserve a man who will not cheat on you and endanger your life. Leaving may seem scary now but it will be even scarier if you stay.

      • beenthere

        I rarely comment, but this moved me to post a reply. I was in a marriage with someone emotionally abusive. After 4 years I decided to leave and it was hoooooooorrible. He had many good qualities, and from the outside we looked like the perfect couple. DECIDING to leave was agony. I felt like a terrible person for giving up, a bad Christian, not 100% sure I was making the right decision etc, etc. And, it was the best decision I’ve ever made (and God and I have more than made our peace – it really grew me up in my faith in a way like nothing else had). So…here’s my two cents: DECIDING may indeed be the worst part. You don’t have to be 100% sure; you probably never will be 100% sure, even if it’s the right decision. I decided, for me, that 80% sure for 4 years we good enough. From what you’ve described…LEAVE. I suspect you will find that once you are out of that situation you will have 10x as much energy, you will notice that your life had shrunk and now the world is expanding again, and you will probably, after some initial waffling, be SO GLAD you’re out of that situation.

        One year later…I think the divorce was the best decision I’ve ever made. I know my strenght and resiliance in a way that has made the whole word a wonderful place to explore. And I’m in a wonderful, kind, respectful, relationship with a guy I LOVE, in a way I didn’t even know was possible to love someone. You’re in a hard spot now, but, you won’t believe how much better you life can be in a year.

        Best of luck to you!

    • Jane Doe

      Doing some reflecting and decided to track down this thread. It took a few more months but I did ultimately move out and file the divorce papers shortly thereafter, and I honestly can’t relate to the grief most people seem to experience going through divorce. Divorce is one of the best things ever. I felt better the second I left. No conflict, no regret. My theory is that I did all the grieving while still in the relationship, so by the time I had fully committed to leaving I was mostly over it. I’m still seeing a therapist every few weeks and working through the pain I suppressed during those years. Also dating someone mentally stable and not abusive…and loving and brilliant and other good things, but not abusive being key. That was some very tough but very good life experience.

  15. anon

    NO, you will not regret it. Leave him. I had a boyfriend like this for many years in college and I told myself all the things you are saying then finally one day i had had enough. I moved half-way across the country for school, and eventually met my now husband there. I have 2 beautiful kids with him and I couldnt be happier. Im so thankful I finally had the strenght to leave him.

    I did communicate with him off and on for a few years trying to be nice etc, but its been 7+ years since Ive seen or spoken with him. I’ve never looked back.

  16. NotaShoeGal

    After a career change I am now in a much more professional/conservative workplace culture, which has necessitated a change in my wardrobe. I recently bought a pair of patent leather pumps that fit my feet well, but dig in to the skin on the sides. It’s not that they pinch my feet, but I can’t wear them very long because eventually they cut into my skin. I have googled around about breaking in shoes but I thought it would be best to ask you all since you are the experts.

    Is there anything that can be done to break patent leather shoes in? (One friend told me ‘you don’t break in patent leather – patent leather breaks you in’). Options I’m considering are wearing them around my house with socks to stretch them out, taking them to the cobbler for stretching, or just chucking them to the back of my closet…any advice?

    • Research, not Law

      It’s worth taking them to a cobbler and I have had minimal success with wearing socks around the house, but experience has taught me that they should probably find a new home.

      If you don’t mind a risky solution, you can get them wet and then wear them around. It may help, but it may ruin the shoes.

  17. Brahmin Almost-Newbie

    OK. I have been waiting for a thread about totes etc.

    Since I didn’t get alot of posts from this week’s fancy purse thread, I’ll repost now.

    Thinking of taking the plunge on a Melbourne by Brahmin (tote) as offered at Nordstrom. Does anyone have it?

    Can it adequately hold 2-3 std. file folders about an inch thick of papers each?
    Are these nice (somewhat pricey for me) totes ok without feet on them?
    Durability?
    Not too ostentatious? I remember the Birkin “controversy.”
    Is it practical to have a “briefcase” with only long straps and no handle?

    Mine now, an MC, has both and depending on the weight of what’s in it or what else I’m carrying, I alternate between straps and handles.

    It’s an everyday accompaniment for me, so I’m willing to “invest.”

    On the other hand, I’m a once yearly purse exchanger . Summer is a red seat belt bag, and fall is a slouchy grey soft Hobo.

    • AJ

      I don’t think its too ostentatious – Brahmin is a good leathergoods brand, but it’s not Hermes or Chanel – and I think that’s an absolutely gorgeous bag. Looking at it, I’d say it would definitely fit your size requirements, and polished leather like that tends to be pretty durable.

      I don’t have it myself, but I think it’s a good choice.

    • Esquirette

      I think that you are referring to the Anywhere Tote (there’s also the Dagney tote bag, which looks smaller than your needs). I agree with AJ. Lovely, classic, not over the top, likely pretty durable. I think no handle is ok — you can still carry it by the straps in your hand if you wanted to. I’m on the fence with whether feet actually help the bottom of bags. As an investment piece for you, consider Apple care leather products. They are supposed to be the bomb on protecting leather goods.

  18. Jas

    I have a job that means I’m travelling a lot and it’s really hard on relationships. I just got back from a week and a half of travelling and am about to head off for three weeks on Monday and when I talked to the the guy I’ve been seeing for the last six months about meeting up for a date, he just gave me a “well, we’ll see, I’m kind of busy with baseball right now”. He’s not normally cold at all, but I’m guessing he’s hit the point where he’s realized he doesn’t want to date someone who’s never around.

    I’m not surprised, this always happens, but I’m still pretty disappointed. I love my job, and most of the time it’s worth it, I just wish I could both work this job and maintain a relationship. So tonight I’m having a myself a pity party.

    • Ru

      Can I join your party? My job lets me go home everyday, never infringes on my weekends and yet the guys I see still aren’t available to meet up. Apparently, being accommodating is hard for relationships, too. It’s not you, it’s them. We’re awesome but unrecognized :-)

  19. Equity's Darling

    What does everyone think of this? Is hair a consideration in your gym/exercise-timing or activities?

    http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/08/25/surgeon-general-calls-for-health-over-hair/

    I’ll admit, I tend to hit the gym after-work, but it’s mainly because I think the changing in/out of work/gym clothes in the middle of the day is a waste of time, and I like sleeping in the morning, which nixes am workouts. Plus, I don’t have kids/SO to go home to, so I can take my time after work. My hair is not a consideration- I’m pretty happy in a low side-part pony, so….really, my time is the worry, not the way I look.

    Also, does anyone else have any suggested tied-back hair styles for shoulder length hair with lots of layers? I pretty much only do the side-part low pony….I don’t know how to do anything else- so suggestions are appreciated!

    • Margaret

      It’s a consideration in that when I’m going to the gym regularly, I keep my hair in a medium layered wash-and-wear haircut so that I can go to the gym before work and let it air-dry and it still looks great. When I’m being lazy and not going regularly, I experiment with my cut a lot more. But then, I’m not AA, so wash-and-wear is a real option for me. It’s hard to say how I would feel if my hair was much more high maintenance. I’d like to say I would still find a way to work out, but I just don’t know … Having nice hair is really satisfying.

    • Alana

      Although it is more of an effort for women with straightened hair to maintain a style and exercise, it can be a challenge with natural-haired AA women too. Processing (deep conditioning, detangling, and braiding or twisting) can take me up to 5 hours because my hair is longish, tightly coiled, and being gentle takes time and patience. I used to exercise, including swimming before work and wash my hair, using the commute time to dry it somewhat. My hair can take over 24 hours to air-dry, and it’s an unpleasant choice between heat-damage from blow drying fragile hair frequently and feeling cold due to a wet scalp in an office with an AC on high.

      Wash-n-wear in my youth as a lifeguard at an outdoor pool on a hot summer’s day? Great. Wash-n-wear in an office environment as a professional with the AC at a ridiculously high level? Not great.

      • Houda

        I am biracial and have coarse kinky hair and currently transitioning to be relaxer-free.
        I have to admit there were days I would skip gym because I wouldn’t want to mess up my straight style.
        Now that I am transitioning, I am going to gym more often after work but my hair still looks a mess at the office and I am hoping this is just a transition phase.
        Once I am fully natural I should be able to have both a professional look and not worry about when to hit gym. For now, I made a choice that being healthy is more important than having perfectly sleek hair.

    • Eponine

      As a Jew-fro type, I would say more that I do schedule hair around my workouts, rather than the reverse. If I’m planning to go to yoga and/or for a run I just put my hair up. There’s no way I’m going to put forth all the energy involved in doing my hair just to ruin it by putting it in a ponytail or getting sweaty. So I pretty much only do my hair once or twice a month.

      My hair doesn’t last more than a day anyway, so it’s not like doing my hair would cause me to miss more than a day at the gym. Since I’m a workout and health nut, I wouldn’t let my hair stop me from exercising. But I can understand why a black woman who spends 4 hours processing her hair to get it smooth wouldn’t want to have to re-do it (and risk even more damage to her hair) because she went to the gym.

      It really annoys me that so much of the media has focused on mocking the surgeon general for these comments. First, she made them at a conference about hair! Second, most of the mocking has come from ignorant white people with no f-ing clue about ethnic hair, and especially from men who have no idea how hard it is to get one’s hair to look nice and professional on a daily basis. Grr.

      • Eponine

        Re: hairstyle ideas: are the layers long enough for a French braid? Could you do braided pigtails? What about two or three buns using the mini spin pins?

        • Equity's Darling

          I was asking more about work-friendly tied-back hair styles- I’m totally happy just wearing a ponytail and one of my billions of lululemon headbands when I’m at the gym (the headband is needed to keep all the shorter layers out of my face).

          re: french braid- the layers are not long enough for a french braid, and I have a LOT of hair (not only is it thick, but I have a lot of hair per square inch or whatnot), so french braids are….really unwieldy for me. It makes my head look puffy, which tweaks me out.

          re: braided pigtails- love how they look on me (really!), and I do occasionally rock them at the gym, but I try to avoid pigtails because I’m 24 and articling, and looking even younger in my office is definitely not the goal- and my gym is in my office building, so I see a lot of associates there, and pigtails will not help them take me seriously. I wore braided pigtails during our Stampede last year (I’m in Calgary), and one of the partners asked “when did we start hiring high school students”. Not good. This year I stuck to wearing my hair down under my cowboy hat.

          re: spin pins- I’ve been looking for them, but I haven’t seen them at the shoppers drug mart close to where I live/work, and I don’t have a car and the nearest walmart is about an hour of public transit- so…I haven’t been able to find them yet, but they are definitely on the list! (as in, I asked my mom to put them in my xmas stocking, because I doubt I’ll be able to find them anytime soon).

          Thanks for the suggestions!

        • Eponine

          @ Equity’s Darling – ha, I was thinking for the gym. There’s a great quote from Tina Fey’s book about being a woman in a male-dominated workplace; I’m paraphrasing but it’s something like “no tube tops, no pigtails, cry sparingly”.

          I put my shoulder-length hair in a bun using Goody spin pins pretty much every day, and plaster down any flyaways with hairspray. Kind of boring but it looks neat and polished and is out of my way.

          • Eponine

            Oh, and could you order them online? Does Amazon or Drugstore.com deliver to Canada?

          • Anonymous

            Walmart (if you’re lucky) and those Loblaws superstores have them in Canada but they sell out really quickly!

    • LinLondon

      It’s a massive consideration. In fact, my hair dictates my gym schedule. Back when I worked different hours, I was able to easily go to the gym 5x/week *just* because I’d worked out a good hair-washing schedule. (I only wash my hair twice a week [I know, kinda gross, but it stands up to sweat very well!]). Now that my hours are different, it’s seriously wrecked my gym and hair schedule, which really sucks.

      No suggestions, sorry to say;I’ve got long layers.

    • SBT

      No offense to the SG, but she doesn’t look like she exercises or eats healthy at all. Ever.

      • Accountress

        Ooh, this sounds informative. What do you think she eats? Does she have a Segway that she gets around on?

      • Anonymous

        Wow, that’s really harsh. Just because you say “no offense” doesn’t mean you should say it. Unless you know what her workout schedule and eating habits are you should not judge her.

        • Equity's Darling

          Agreed. Saying ‘no offense’ doesn’t make it not offensive. Even urban dictionary thinks so….

          http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=no%20offense

          Plus, I don’t see the how her exercise or eating habits affect her ability to be a good SG. In fact, perhaps understanding what it’s like to try to maintain a healthy lifestyle while working a demanding job will make her even better at addressing issues that are relevant to the majority of society.

      • Anonymous

        I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – it must be rough for you going through life as an ignorant b—ch.

  20. Bag borrow and steal

    Hi all — I have a return policy question. I have a 4-5 year-old Coach purse with rigid leather handles that have some sort of tubing inside to allow the handles to keep their shape. I can tell that the tubing inside one of the straps has broken, because there now a pretty noticeable kink in the strap.

    A friend told me she returned a fraying 3-4 year-old Coach purse for store credit when she was in my situation a couple of years ago. Anyone else done this or had experience with replacement/repair of this brand? Thanks!

    • MelD

      You can send anything into Coach for $20 s+h and they will attempt to repair it at no other cost. That seems like something that shouldn’t be too hard to fix, so I’d do that before trying to return it.

    • Cat

      I did that for my 5yo tote bag (it had two issues, one of which was also the handle tubing). They sent it back saying they couldn’t fix it (really???) but included a letter for 40% off any full priced bag. That was last winter and I have yet to find anything to replace my beloved Hamptons tote – everything is either too shapeless, too heavy looking or too trendy. Here’s hoping fall brings better luck.

      • Charmed Girl

        Cat– I had almost the exact thing happen to me. Like you, my 40% coupon is just sitting in my desk… sigh.

  21. Ebro Fin

    My electrical power was restored at 10:30 last night after being out for six days. I would (seriously) love it if Kat & Corporette did a post about how to dress for work when you are taking showers at the Y and brushing your teeth in the ladies room at work!

    Certainly, the dress code at work was relaxed, but the experience was stressful and I always felt like a walking mess. There has got to be a better way.

    • Anonymous

      Glad you’re back. Luxuriate in a long weekend of wonton electrical usage. Bubble baths, dvd marathons, all the frozen popscicles you can handle. You did it!

      • Ebro Fin

        First I need to spend time flipping light switches on & off, just to see them work. Every single one in the house.

        Then we have a ton of clean up to do. Even though we threw out all our food on day one, the refrigerator smells odd. But will revel in getting to wash it with HOT water!

        • don't need a boyfriend

          try Consan Triple action 20 for a hardware store. A great odor remover and cleans up mold and mildew well…hurricane experience in Texas proves that. We were out for more than 3 weeks with H. Ike.

  22. Jen

    Any advice on where to (and where NOT to) register for things for a first baby? Thanks!

    • ANP

      AMAZON. You can register for a huge variety of stuff, prices are super-competitive and shipping is free at $25+. I’d also recommend a brick and mortar place (not Target — their return policy w/o receipt is horrible) to accommodate the non-Internet shoppers in your sphere. Congrats!

      • anon

        Amazon charges for shipping on baby stuff, regardless of how much you order.

          • anon

            Maybe. I discovered the policy when I placed an order for over $100 of baby gear sold directly by Amazon a couple of weeks ago, so it could definitely be a new policy.

        • Samantha

          If you join ‘Amazon mom’ you get free Prime shipping. You do need to spend a certain amount on baby items monthly, but if you get diapers/wipes/diaper trash can refills, you can easily hit that. I suggest looking into it.

      • In house lobbyist

        I second that – don’t use Target for a registry.

        I had an Amazon baby registry and loved it.

    • Margaret

      My local listserv HATES Babies ‘R Us. Apparently they have serious supply issues — things always going out of stock, entirely different selections on line and in stores. And a bad return policy. Buy Buy Baby is very popular, as is Amazon.

    • Anonymous

      Not myregistry.com. We used it and it was a mess. It just flat out didn’t work properly, even for people who are computer/online shopping savvy. Sigh. We were trying to encourage use of local stores, but oh well. Use amazon’s universal registry instead.

      Oh, and when you’re on amazon – sign up for Amazon Mom!!

      Not Target. They are a huge pain for returns.

      I have had nothing but positive experience at Babies R Us as a registrant and gift-giver and haven’t known anyone to have problems. Some stores are smaller and won’t have everything, but they all have the essentials. Plus, you get registry discounts, etc. Start your registry in-store instead of online (you can still update online) because they’ll give you freebies.

      Jillian’s Diapers has a registry, if you want cloth diapers. To my knowledge (I’d love to be corrected) they are the only ones that do.

    • Anonymous

      I’m not trying to be mean, but please think about whether to register first. Some people think baby registries look like just a gift grab, so do think about how it looks to the people you know before you register.

      • Anonymous

        I am really surprised at this comment. If some people have an issue with it, that’s *their* problem. The whole point of registries is to facilitate gift giving (and I say that as almost invariably a gift-giver). If some people think registries are a “gift grab”, I imagine they are people that either aren’t very interested in giving a gift or, perhaps worse, are people who don’t care whether (or assume that) their gift will be appreciated/appropriate for the giftee. I always truly disliked the attitude some people have about gifts — that all gifts should be appreciated. No, the sentiment most likely is but unwanted gifts are nothing more than a pain in the butt for the giftee to get rid of and a waste of money for the gifter — lose, lose — particularly as the giftee will still need to go out and buy the things they would have appreciated as gifts that they didn’t receive. I registered for my wedding many years ago, and the only things I haven’t used that I received were the things people gave me that I hadn’t register for.

      • Fiona

        Agree. Babies are babies. What do they need? Baby supplies. Just my two cents, but I totally agree w/ Anonymous.

      • Eponine

        And some of us would rather give our friends what she actually needs, and only one of each item, to spare her the trouble of having to return 20 adorable little sets of baby socks and two strollers when she’s 8.5 months pregnant. Or maybe you won’t mind offering to handle all the returns for your friend? How nice of you.

        • Fiona

          Agree, Eponine. But I think you can ask your friends what they need. My point (which I didn’t explain at all in my last post, I realize) is that baby registries have sprung up all of a sudden in the past decade or so, weren’t around before at all, and now there’s this mass culture associated with babies that wasn’t as much there before. People say “well how can I get by with little Susie if I don’t register and get what I need?” Well then don’t have a baby if you can’t afford it – different from a wedding registry where the items are not essentials.

        • Fiona

          And PS–I hate feeling obligated as a gift giver to get something off the registry (I have heard it time and time again from pregnant women and brides–“he/she didn’t shop off of my registry?!”). Why can’t I get something that I want to give you? I am not obligated to give you a gift for the birth of your child (though I should because it is good etiquette). So to feel that you will shun me for – gasp! – not getting you something off of your registry is a feeling I hate. I like to make handmade gifts for the babies in my life – in addition to something off of the registry, yes – and the parents always genuinely seem appreciative, though maybe they’re actually burning those things! Those are the kinds of gifts that you cannot register for. Gift giving occasions should not be dictated. Again, if I am worried that my gift will be duplicated, I can always ask if a stroller has been bought yet, or what not.

          Just my two cents. Rant over. :)

          • Bonnie

            Because what you may want to give me may be something I already have or something I hate. We still have some off-registry items in our basement that will be going to Goodwill because they don’t fit into our house or are duplicates.

          • Jay

            Sounds like someone has been going to too many baby showers…..
            Look, what you’re complaining about has nothing to do with registries per se. First, you’re never obligated to give anyone a gift–that’s not a registry issue. And people who complain when they receive non-registry gifts just have bad manners–again, not the fault of the registry itself. The point of a registry is to provide givers with an easy list of what the recipients actually want and think they need. Anything beyond that is giving the registry too much power/credit.

            Regarding baby registries though….you would really feel comfortable just picking out a stroller for someone? Really? Do you know what kind of car seat they’re buying? The kind of terrain they anticipate needing to roll over? Will you consider how it will fold up to fit in their car? Will you guess how heavy a stroller the new mom will feel comfortable carrying? And if you say you’d ask them what exact stroller they want….how is that different from them putting it on a registry? Thoughtful personalized gifts are one thing, e.g. personalized photo frames, but going off-registry for things like a stroller or car seat or high chair or monitor….that just seems silly to me. Adding to new parents’ or pregnant women’s list of to-dos by giving them something that they’ll have to return….isn’t the point of a gift to please the recipient, not the giver?

        • MelD

          This. Additionally, a lot of people invited to showers don’t have kids of their own and would like to get something useful other than just clothing. I have one friend who received something like 20-30 cute baby dresses for her little girl that she was never able to use. Other people don’t really want to devote a lot of time shopping and trying to discern what might be useful to the parents. I don’t have children and going into baby stores is like my personal version of hell, so it’s nice for me to be able to go online and buy something.

  23. Eponine

    Ladies, how much, if anything, do you tip the grocery delivery guy? I am new to Peapod and was surprised that when I signed the invoice there was a line for a tip (I previously used Safeway delivery and Safeway specifically prohibits tipping). I had no idea what was appropriate – I just punted and put $5 on a $100-ish delivery (after coupons it was $80). But $5 for someone bringing something up to my apartment seems high, actually – I mean, I don’t tip the UPS guy. I just was surprised and didn’t want to leave the tip line blank.

    I’m inclined to be annoyed and go back to tip-free Safeway over this. I don’t think it’s the norm to tip for deliveries. What do you all think?

    • Eponine

      I should add that Peapod, of course, charges for delivery – something like $9 – unlike a Chinese restaurant where the tip represents the only extra charge you pay to have it delivered. And I live on the 2nd floor of a building with an elevator.

    • Sandy

      I do peapod and tip $10 for $100-$200 deliveries. We get a lot of water, drinks, etc so it is always a very heavy delivery. I did some research online and that seemed like the norm, but I agree it does seem odd to be tipping for someone delivering to your apartment. For what it’s worth, we live in a doorman building with an elevator.

      • Sandy

        I’m also still in the first 60 days of getting deliveries so they have been waiving the almost $7 delivery charge. Maybe I’ll re-evaluate the tip after that is added.

    • AJ

      I use Fresh Direct in New York, and they explicitly say when you order that tipping is discretionary. I don’t tip. I have an elevator building, and the one time the elevator wasn’t working, I had to go down from the sixth floor and then carry everything back up.

      So, no tipping.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t tip because Peapod says something on the site about tipping being optional, and to be honest, the whole transaction always feels very uncomfortable to me and I don’t want to make a financial decision based on some incorrect guilt thing I’m feeling– it’s a business, I have paid for the goods and delivery, the end. I’m always glad it’s over.

      • Eponine

        Yeah, I’m inclined to agree with you. Even though the website says it’s optional, having it right there on the invoice you sign implies it’s encouraged. I find that kind of annoying, especially since their competitors discourage or forbid tipping.

        • AIMS

          I use fresh direct and live in a non-elevator building. I usually end up with 2-3 regular sized boxes ($80-100) of groceries and tip 5 bucks, a bit more if it’s very heavy stuff. FWIW, FreshDirect charges me $4.99 for delivery. I might not feel it was as necessary if they didn’t have to carry it several flights of stairs.

    • kz

      I don’t tip for my Fresh Direct deliveries. I live in an elevator building, and I figure that’s what the delivery fee is for.

    • Michelle

      I usually get $200-$300+ per delivery and I always tip $10 or $15. Worth it to me not to lug all that pet food home, and I figure it’s a low wage job and they can use it.

    • Anon

      I tip about $5 for each $100-150 delivery – but I should note that I tip the delivery guy in cash every time, just as I do the pizza guy. If I tip on the invoice, who knows who actually receives the money.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve tipped for Fresh Direct. I’m on the third floor of a walk up, and the delivery guys take one look at my petite frame and haul the stuff up the stairs for me. Usually $5, but I’ve tipped more when we’ve ordered tons of drinks for a party.

      The UPS guy has never brought anything upstairs.

  24. PSA re Talbots

    Talbots is having a 25% off sale everything this weekend.

    Also, if you are a teacher and can show ID, you get 20% off all the time.

    I bought some items in the store and got both discounts. I bought one item on the “red line” and got just the 25% discount

    Wondering what other stores offer the teacher discount . . .

  25. grocery shopper

    I tip the Peapods guys $2 or $3 cash. Depends how many ones I have in my wallet. They always seem grateful, and sometimes surprised, to get it.

  26. Marie Curie

    Dear Corporettes,
    I have a confession to make: I’m 23 and hardly ever use sunscreen on my face (except on holiday when I go swimming etc.). I know this is bad for me and will eventually catch up, but I still haven’t found a good daily sunscreen. So: Does anyone have any recommendations? I have super-oily skin, occasional troubles with bad pimples (especially when I’m PMS-ing) and generally light acne. I would prefer something that’s at least SPF 15. I also favor natural cosmetics (with mineral sunscreens), but I’m open to other products as well. It also shouldn’t “sit” on my face — I once tried a zinc oxide-based product that started to peel by midday (which I didn’t notice until I kept being asked why I had white stuff on my face and if that was left-over facial cream in the morning. yikes) — and not too expensive (sadly, I’m not in the La Mer earning bracket yet). Does such a wonder product exist? Bonus points if it’s available in Europe.

    • Eponine

      Neutrogena Ultra Sheer was recommended heavily on a thread a few months ago. I bought it and really like it.

      • RL

        I would not recommend this for acne-prone skin – got horrible oil slick and cystic zits from it.

        • Eponine

          Really? I’m very acne-prone and I actually haven’t had a cystic pimple since I started using it. I had them a lot when using my old sunscreen.

          • Houda

            I have bad acne and neutrogena works best.
            If you are in europe there is also a sunscreen from HYSEKE made especially for skin with acne.

          • Anonymous

            Yeah, this is the best. I am under super super treatment for acne, and it works best for me.

      • Anonymous

        Another vote for Neutrogena’s oil free.

        And probably a bizarre rec, but consider baby sunscreen for when you need higher protection. I’d never found a high SPF sunscreen that truly felt comfortable until I had a baby and feel in love with her sunscreen! I use Baby Blanket Sunscreen for Babies 50 SPF broad spectrum, available in a very dorky spray bottle at Babies R Us. Honestly, try it. It’s good stuff.

    • Annie

      I order elta md uv clear on amazon and LOVE it. Not greasy, doesnt leave a film, etc.

    • Anonymous

      Powder physical spf is good for not oiling you up or breaking you out. Made the difference for me between buying but not using sunscreen b/c of breakouts, feeling guilty and stupid; and wearing daily and feeling smart and looking great. usan Posner? and DDF and others make it, Google or Sephora search it. Comes in a brush with tube handle. Use tons, though. I like the clear. If you just get a powder makeup with spf, you don’t use enough, so the clear encourages and allows me to use enough without interfering or confusing the makeup issue. It really was a lightbulb shift for me.

    • Makeup Junkie

      Are you looking for an SPF makeup or lotion?
      Physicians Formula has a powder foundation that’s SPF 50 and Neutrogena Sheer Minerals powder foundation has SPF 20. Those have both worked pretty well for my verrrry oily skin.
      You can also just use a face lotion with SPF like Olay or Eucerin or Avon. All of those are affordable and haven’t ever made me break out (more than usual, anyway)

    • lostintranslation

      I’m also living in Europe and just had this question recently. I recommend that you go to a pharmacy. Much cheaper than La Mer, but you can try on different products and it doesn’t cost very much more than a drugstore. Sunscreen is considered a medical product where I am, so it’s also the pharmacist’s realm – everyone else is busy tanning and worshipping the sun, whatever. The brand I ended up getting is Eucerin Sun Fluid (ca. 13-14€), which is mattifying and light. There’s a metal ball in the container and you give it a satisfying shake before each application, which controls the texture. It also hasn’t made any breakouts or anything worse. If you want something off of the Environmental Working Group’s sunscreen list, I would also check La Roche-Posay. Some of their Anthelios line falls into the highly recommended rating, and should be similar in price to Eucerin.

      • lostintranslation

        Oh, and texture-wise, I can put makeup over it without any problems, and it doesn’t ever do the peeling type thing you were talking about.

    • Another Sarah

      When I was in Europe I loooooooooved the Garnier Ambre Solaire sunscreen “milk” (it’s lotion, but the word on the bottle was “milk”). I’m pretty sure it comes in all ranges of SPF. It was the only chemical sunscreen that actually worked for me and my china-doll complexion. It’s available at any store that would sell lotions and sunscreens (Carrefour, Tesco, etc).

    • AccountingNerd

      Jan Marini daily face protectant. It has antioxidants and is SPF 30. I’m 22 and have been using it for about 3 years. I have oily skin and was always worried that using lotion would make it more greasy, but it doesn’t! I look forward to using it every morning and night. It’s so creamy and makes my skin feel silky. Also, Clean and Clear blotting sheets are my best friend! Do you use them?

  27. A

    Q on white blazers – I thought a beautiful white blazer on sale at Ann Taylor a few weeks ago, with the intent of getting a wear or two in before Labor Day. Never got a chance to wear it. Can I wear a white blazer on a warm September day? I live in New England, fwiw. Thanks!

    • Anonymous

      You know that you “shouldn’t” but you also know that of course you can. I’d sneak it in twice in outfits where the blazer is a supporting player, then sock it away and be so excited next summer to pull it out and build around it.

    • Anonymous

      Maybe the fact that you’re in New England matters more but I think these fashion rules are generally ridiculous. Fashion is about looking and feeling good. If the jacket has a summery feel to it, and it’s nice out, wear it! I think people who notice this must have too much time on their hands. :)

    • gov anon

      I know the “rule”, but it’s still really hot here. I generally try to dress for the weather, not the calendar. So if it’s warm enough, I’d wear it through September.

    • girl in the stix

      I always thought the rule was “no white SHOES after Labor Day.” Why else would there be ‘winter white’?

  29. AnonInfinity

    I passed the bar exam (yay)!

    This brings up a very important question for the ‘rette lawyers out there.

    How do you tell people that come out of the woodwork that you can’t represent them in their divorces, crack-pot lawsuits, etc.? I am from a very small town, and no one else in my family is an attorney, and I’ve already started getting calls about these things. I’m working at a firm that does no family law and has a fairly specialized practice, so it’s not like I can/want to take just anything that walks in the door. I also know that people expect me to do these things at a steep discount, and I’m just not sure if that’s a good idea since my firm has no shortage of work that they’re throwing at me. Any advice tailored toward family members would be especially helpful.

    Thanks!

    • Equity's Darling

      I’d just tell them that it’s not your area of law, and that as a result, you’re not really in a position to deal with their divorces or various small claim lawsuits, but that you’d be happy to refer them to a lawyer who’s experienced in the area.

      I’d maybe also throw in that you love them lots, but that they really deserve a lawyer than can get them the best outcome, and because you work in only XYZ area of law, you are not the lawyer that will get them the best outcome.

      Plus, I don’t know about your firm, but I’m quite sure that I exclusively belong to my firm, and can only do work that goes through their billing system, and any discounts on billable rates have to be approved by the credit committee.

      I solved the problem by practicing law in a different province then where my family lives. We’re talking a 4hr flight here.

      • LStar

        Agreed with all of this. If your firm is anything like mine was, it is likely against firm policy for you to give legal advice of any kind to anyone that is not officially a firm client. It can cause all sorts of problems with, among other things, malpractice insurance. People tend to understand when you tell them it’s forbidden by your firm for insurance reasons.

        Many people also assume that because you’re a lawyer/went to law school, you know everything about every legal need/issue. To the extent that you can plead ignorance, I think it also helps to simply say, “I have no experience with X (divorce/drafting a will/incorporating a small business/etc.) so honestly can’t tell you the first thing about it.” Most people are sensible enough to not want advice/help from a lawyer who knows nothing about a particular issue.

        On the issue of referrals, if you don’t know of someone specific who can handle a particular matter, many bar associations (state or local) have referral services.

        P.S. Congratulations on passing the bar!

    • kz

      Just tell them it’s not your area of expertise and you don’t want to mess up their XYZ law problem, so they should really hire someone in that area of law.

      I recently had one of my good friends ask me advice for his divorce. My advice was “Get a lawyer and don’t ask me any questions about it because I’m not getting in the middle of it.” (except said a little more nicely than that) Harsh, perhaps, but both parties are my friends and I definitely don’t want to touch that with a 10 foot pole.

      And congrats on passing the bar:-)

    • MissJackson

      For non-family/friends, I find that they usually go away when I start talking about the “need to clear conflicts” at the firm.

      Feel free to also mention your firm’s policy that you can’t take outside work (I think this is pretty commonplace) to family/friends. It helps when they know that it’s not just your choice not to help them.

    • Esquirette

      Don’t do it. Not only exactly everything already said but you’re a newbie and you’re being asked to practice in areas outside the one you are just starting to learn. I flat out tell people it would practically be malpractice for me to advise them on whatever family/property/employment issue they may ask me about. Think about how awesome things would be if you did try to help “family and friends” and it all went to hell? A colleague my same year did a little of this and it was nothing but headaches for her.

  30. A

    Hi all — I just got a pair of brown pants and have two questions: can you wear shoes that are a different color brown than your brown pants? The shoes are, I think, a more reddish brown, and the pants are a duller color.

    If not, I’ve been thinking about getting a new pair of either camel or burgundy leather boots. I have (and love!) the La Canadienne “Perla” boot in black and brown, but they don’t make it in other colors, and I haven’t found any similar boot (1.5″ heel, comfortable but professional, mid-calf or knee height) in camel or some sort of dark reddish color online.

    Thanks a lot for any suggestions!

    • Lucy

      I would not try to match them perfectly. Thinking about my own shoes – I have a cute pair of “snakeskin” flats (real leather, faux snake) that are nice with brown; cordovon would work; depending on your top something in a deep turquoise or even navy would be nice. Camel also sounds good.

      I buy a lot of boots at sierratradingpost.com as they have really good sales, and 6pm.com. I have something north of twenty pairs and think boots are perfect about nine months of the year. Ymmv!

    • Anonymous

      No, actually I felt compassion for the women who were trying for a healthy pregnancy and anger that women judge each other on their ability to breed.

      • Anonymous

        It is sad that so many women are having a hard time having the babies they want. We must have a paradigm shift in our thinking as professional women. Our society needs to start supporting the idea that young men and women can have babies when they are at their peak fertility. We are extending childhood and consequently, so many men and women are too immature to even start thinking about families until it is too late. I am not judging the individual but the culture. It is insane that we take birth control for twenty years and then try to get pregnant when it is too late. And, yes, it seems clueless that anyone would think a young face equals lots of eggs.

      • Ann

        “and anger that women judge each other on their ability to breed.”

        ??? Sorry, I didn’t see any of that. I did see a fair amount of incredulity about women who are educated and successful thinking that spending money on teeth-bleaching and fitness classes would somehow help them have a baby naturally after age 40. Which is an incredulity I share. I don’t judge those women for being infertile – I have been through infertility myself – but I do judge them for their seeming indignation about “I’m so attractive and fit and I look so young, I should be able to get pregnant at 41 at the drop of a hat if I want to, WHY MEEEE???” Well, why not you? Why should it happen to anyone? It’s not fair and it sucks regardless of how young you look.

        And I also shudder in fear for the women in the story who have been through between 8 and 15 rounds of IVF. That’s terrifying to me, in terms of cancer risk.

    • Jr. Prof

      Not surprising to me. We see so many articles about movie stars in their 40s++ ‘naturally’ having babies. No mention of the egg donations or other help that may be involved… inevitably this is going to infiltrate the general consciousness and lead women to think that we can get pregnant in our 40s.

    • Lynnet

      I have a friend going into biglaw that mentioned she didn’t want to have kids until she made partner. The firm has a 10 year partner track and she’s 28, so I made an off-hand remark that she should probably freeze her eggs. She was apparently shocked at the idea that she might not be as fertile at 38 as she is now and spent the next 20 minutes asking us if we were sure it was the case. So yea, I believe people are this ignorant, we as a culture treat childbearing as something that we have complete control over, you have to do research and dig beneath the surface to discover that’s not the case.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      My mom had me at 34 and my brother at 43. Nobody ever told me growing up that this was out of the ordinary. It wasn’t until I started reading Corporette and other online blogs that deal with woman’s career issues that I learned how much our fertility declines after 35.

      I still didn’t really believe it until I found myself reading a fertility doctors deposition transcript at work. The issue was whether an injury caused her fertility problems or whether they were “normal fertility problems.” I believe she was 35. The doctor said something like absent the injury, she had a 20% chance of conceiving naturally each month given her age. With IVF, that raised to 40 or 50%. I wasn’t sure if when the doctor said 20% each month he meant taking into consideration the days you can’t conceive biologically or if he meant even trying on the “correct” days she had a 20% chance. Very eye opening.

      • Argie

        I think it also makes a big difference whether you are having your first kid when you are over 35 vs. first kid before 35 and subsequent after 35. Of course, my examples largely refer to my grandmothers who had over 10 kids each, and were pregnant well into their 40s.

      • Anon

        At 23, I had a co-worker in her early thirties who was going through very painful, invasive fertility treatment (ultimately unsucessful.) The stress of the experience really did some damage to her marriage and she was such a great person but so hurt by the experience that it was an unforgettable lesson for me. I had my first at 25, in part because her experience caused me to think through my priorities and figure out when the optimum time would be for me to start a family. It helped that I had a spouse on board already, of course!

        If not for her willingness to share her experience with me, I am positive I would have waited longer (and might have had perfectly uneventful pregnancies in my 30’s, of course.)

    • Esquirette

      As a biologist, I would say that I am regularly dismayed about how ignorant North America’s general populace is about anything medically/biologically related.

    • Anonymous

      I’m also amazed by this mentality. I thought it was general knowledge that women are less fertile and that miscarriage and birth defect rates are higher above 35, so I’m surprised when women in their mid-30s tell me they have “plenty of time – just look at all the celebrities who have babies in their 40s!” Since when is it wise to make medical and family decisions based on Us Weekly reports?

      It’s a medical fact, not a judgment. I have great sympathy for loving couples who would make excellent parents don’t meet until they are older or face decades of fertility issues, but I’m astonished by otherwise intelligent and educated women who think they can waltz into a perfect pregnancy beyond biologically typical childbearing years.

    • Anonymous

      Hate to say this, but just because you have money doesn’t mean you are smart. It’s easy to buy into the idea that we live in a meritocracy, but then you actually move to a place like NYC and realize that many, many upper middle class people (men and women) have rocks for brains.

      Of course I feel bad for these poor women, but not understanding basic biology (all your eggs were created while you were still in your mother’s womb and DNA is constantly being degraded these two facts mean that human eggs really do have a “sell by” date) is kind of their fault.

  32. Tokyo Milk

    Has anyone used tokyo milk products? I’m looking at their shea butter cream and wondering if it is worth the price

  33. A. L.

    It may not be the best time in the weekend to ask this, but here goes: Does anyone have styling suggestions for the J. Crew Index dress in the dark grey?

    It just looks soooo bland by itself, especially since the top is a tad loose, but the shoulders and arms are so bulky that I can’t get a cardigan to go over it without evoking a shoulder-diaper-under-leggings look that makes my shoulders and top half of my upper arms double in size. I haven’t tried a blazer but I suspect it might be less lumpy, but just as bulky.

    I was thinking a bright (teal or red) necklace, or perhaps a scarf, but I’m terrible at accessorizing. My friends lovingly refer to some of my necklaces as being from the Wilma Flintstone collection, so I’m leery of picking out a red or teal bead necklace for work that veers into that territory. I also wouldn’t know how to wear a scarf, especially considering that where I live, temperatures are just now starting to fall below 100 degrees. Any suggestions? (I think I have until tomorrow under the return policy, so I will also take “return it” as a suggestion :))

    TYIA! Hope you’re all having a nice, relaxing weekend :)

    • AJ

      I’d wear bright shoes, either teal or red, or heck, orange. Some kind of really bold, bright color. I’d avoid necklaces because of the neckline, but if you have earrings that are more funky and less classic, that would work. Google Amrita Singh, that’s the sort of thing I’m talking about.

      • A. L.

        That’s a good point about the neckline, a necklace probably wouldn’t lay right. I do have a pair of fun yellow heels so I might try those. I love the J Crew Mona pumps in pale peacock, but I can’t afford another pair of shoes right now. [repeat to self: I can’t afford another pair of shoes right now. I can’t afford another pair of shoes right now. I can’t afford another pair of shoes right now].

        Thanks!

    • AT

      With that dress, I agree no necklaces, but how about fun cuff bracelets? Also, scarves are tricky to get the hang of, but once you do, they are amazing. I have recently started wearing them, and I really love the pop and color and texture they can give to an outfit. For this dress, I would consider a square silk scarf in a bright print (that complements your hair/skin coloring) — fold it once so it’s a triangle (not a long rectangle), and experiment with tying the ends and letting it hang loose, or wrapping one end around your neck once before tying (to get a double layer, which you then tug and adjust til you’re wearing almost a very big necklace of silk scarf — sorry, can’t really describe, but just play until it looks right!). The scarves I have that I’m thinking would work with this are ~ 18-24 inches on each side (bigger than a bandana but not huge).

      That said, if you’re not loving the dress, you’re better off returning it and looking for something that you do love.

  34. Am I screwed??

    Hi ladies! I’m really freaking out and need your help. What do you do when you successfully summered and received an offer from an awesome firm in your specialed practice group and then all the top dogs in your practice group leave for another firm? I haven’t heard anything from my summer firm either way, should I approach them? Do I call up the partners that left and ask for a job? I feel like I am so low on the totem pole, I have no bargaining power. I’ll be graduating in may and didn’t OCI this year because I had an offer. Am I totally screwed? Ahhh!

    • AnonInfinity

      I think I don’t understand the situation. You have an offer from Firm A, and a lot of the partners in Firm A left for Firm B. Is that right? Are you still wanting to work for Firm A, or do you now want to work for the partners who went to Firm B? If you still want to work for Firm A and you have an offer, I wouldn’t see anything wrong with sending a quick email that indicates you’re excited to work with them and asking some small question that would only be important if you’re still going to be working there (e.g. “I was just wondering how to go about getting reimbursed for Barbri” or something similar).

    • Eponine

      If you had a good relationship with one of the partners who left, you would prefer to work with those partners at Firm B than go to Firm A without them, and you haven’t accepted the offer at Firm A yet, then I think you should get in touch with that partner and find out if they’d be interested in bringing you to Firm B. Otherwise, stay with Firm A. Unless the entire practice group left and Firm A isn’t going to have that practice anymore, I can’t see why you’d be screwed. The firm will probably be considered less prestigious in that practice area now, but either it’ll build up the practice again, or you can lateral in a couple years.

      • Alanna of Trebond

        I’m also a 3L, so I have no advice, but if you are in the situation that those people are in — I would DEFINITELY call up the new firm/those partners and figure out a way to work at that new firm.

    • Call the Hiring Partner

      Call the hiring partner at the firm where you got the offer and say that you’d like to come in and talk to him/her and possibly also the current head of your practice group. Tell them that you want to confirm that you will have enough work in your practice area. This is an issue both because the firm might not have that kind of work now that the others have left, or maybe the others left because there is somethink at the firm that makes that kind of work not possible at the firm (bad billing structure, too many conflicts, who knows). You have a right to ask, and you have a right to a direct answer. If the answer is no, ask what kind of work the firm sees you doing when you arrive and what they want you to do long term.

      (Whether or not you also contact the folks who left to form their own firm, I leave to you. However, if you do so, I would not mention it to the firm that hired you.)

      I have seen a lot first years show up at BigLaw firm having been recruited as X (at my firm it was corporate associates) only to arrive and be told that there is no X work, but they are still welcome and can fill their time doing Y (at my firm it was patent litigation). Some embraced the change. Others did not but tried to wait things out, only to find that three years later, when things turned around, they were mid-level associates with no skills in their chosen area of X.

  35. happycow

    Anybody ever transition from in-house back to a firm? and how did you get used to billable hrs again!? I was in a legal position in publishing where I did a lot of nonlegal stuff like editing, etc. and now I will be going to a midlaw firm with a “reasonably” low billing target of 1950. Well it doesn’t seem reasonable to me, so I am hoping for the wise corporettes to help with coping strategies or refer me to a decent source of info? Not sure how I will deal with trading my Teva flip flops for pumps, but that is a whole nuther story ;)

    • Lynnet

      Can I ask how you got a legal position in publishing? That’s what I’d love to do, but I don’t have the faintest idea what steps to take to get there.

      • happycow

        I wish I knew! :) I have a bachelors in physics and it was a science publisher, tiny, friend of a friend type of thing. I had failed the bar (unfailed it on appeal but didn’t see that coming) and just needed a place to land. Good luck!

    • Esquirette

      Saw your follow up comments as well. Easy answer first, you most likely will have a billable requirement as either a non-equity or an equity partner, they just may be lower than the associate requirement. I’m an associate, and have never been in house, but having done something very different pre-law school, lawyering and the billable hour requirement took a lot of getting used to (still does sometimes). 1950 is on the lower end of the scale – it works out to about 40 hrs billed a week. I use an Excel spreadsheet that breaks down my billable targets by month based on number of working days per month (which I can change if I know I’ll be out of the office on a reg business day), and then try like hell to stay on target. It helps to basically know how many hours you need to bill per day/week — it makes it easier to plan and manage getting them all in. Depending on what you practice, your hours may go by pretty readily (e.g., litigation is generally the easiest practice area to run up hours). Beyond the billable requirement, beware of and fully cognizant of the non-billable hours that will fill up your time — pitches, client development efforts, firms events, team/committee meetings — the list goes on. You need to bill your time regardless of how much other crap gets added to your plate. 40 hrs billed/week will undoubtably be closer to 50-60 hrs at work. So try to do what you need to do and not get swept into doing things that don’t really benefit you/your practice. Firms will burn up all you have to give so try not to give everything you have — because you won’t have anything left.

      • Lyssa

        Esquirette, could you explain a little bit on how you have your spreadsheet set up? I’m trying to track mine and not doing a very good job!

        • Esquirette

          I’ll try – though this might out me. I’m so happy to have this spreadsheet. I inherited it from someone much more Excel-savvy than me. I hope the explanations make sense!

          – “Month” – ’nuff said — the information from each of the other columns is broken down by month — the last row in this column is “Year to Date” – and the totals for each of the rest of the columns are in this row (YTD)
          – “Workable Days” – business days in month
          – “Projected Work Days” – “Workable Days” minus expected days out of the office
          – “Percent” – the % of “Projected Work Days” of the total projected work days for year — the YTD row is 100% in this column
          – “Target Billable Hours” – this is the % (from the Percent column) of the yearly hour target (so is based on # of projected working days in a given month) — the YTD row for this column is the billable hour target for the year
          – “Target Billable Hours/Day” – in my spreadsheet this is the same number every month b/c it’s based on how many total projected work days there are in the year — the YTD row is empty for this column.
          – “Billable Hours” – column for inputting the hours actualy billed each month.
          —> If you get credit towards your yearly target for any other types of hours you work (e.g., pro bono, client development, etc), you can add in more columns. If do (a bit), so I have two additional columns — one called “Other” for these other counted hours and one called “Counted Hours” that is the sum of the “Billable Hours” column and the “Other” column.

          Then I have additional columns that give *more* information about progress — I’m not 100% sure how these Excel formulas work b/c when I’ve tried to modify a couple, I screwed things up:
          – “Difference” – this is the monthly difference b/t the “Target Billable Hours” column and the “Billable Hours” column (or, for me, “Counted Hours” column) — whoever made this got deficits to be in red font and surpluses to be in black font
          – “Cumulative Difference” – this is a running total by month adding together the deficit/surplus of each of the preceding months — the rows for months in the future have numbers in them based on the formula but the numbers aren’t accurate b/c the formula counts the unworked hours for those future months into a”deficit”
          – “Running Difference” – total year target minus total hours billed (counted)
          – “Target Billable Total for Year” – running total of monthly billable hour targets
          – “Actual Billable Total for Year” – running total of hours billed

          Good luck!

          • Esquirette

            Some how I managed to leave out that I was going to list all the columns in my spreadsheet. That’s what each of the “bullets” are. So picture the bullet headings as columns across the top and then months (Jan-Dec or how ever your billable year runs) in the rows of the left-hand column. Based on the formulas, the majority of the cells have numbers in them — the cells that are additive change (and become accurate) as you add in your worked hours each month.

          • Lyssa

            Awesome, thank you so much! I’ve copied this and will play around with it tonight. (I don’t have a billable goal, but my pay is dependant on what I bring in, so I still have, well, not so much targets, but I still have things that I want to track for my own knowledge.)

  36. happycow

    Oh and I would be up for nonequity partner after 3 yrs – would I no longer have a billable hours target then?

  37. happycow

    err first comment is still in moderation, sorry for being incoherent lovely ‘rettes!

  38. A. L.

    Lo & Sons just posted a 45% off coupon code on their Facebook page: LABORDAY. Enjoy!

    • AD

      Well, now I’m irritated. I just bought the TT a few weeks ago. I actually do like the bag, but these kind of pricing games are one of my pet peeves.

    • Thank you!

      I’ve been thinking about the O&G bag but thought it was a bit expensive for nylon bag. Now it’s winging its way to me!

  39. happycow

    GAH! this is why I hate to post… Poured out my heart in a shortish post, which is STILL in moderation, while my followup post is out there already, making no sense whatsoever. In brief: anyone transit from in house to a firm and any tips for dealing w/ billable hrs targets? TIA

  40. Teodora

    Hello guys,

    Would you buy a leather jacket online? Are you able to find quality but affordable leather jackets online?

    Thanks

    Teodora

    • Esquirette

      I would, I just have yet to pull the trigger on one. There would either need to be some reviews or really good pictures for me to consider doing so. For a while, it seemed like there were leather jackets at least once a week on those shopping sites (Ideeli, RueLaLa, etc). If I see an item online somewhere for a good price but without good pictures/details, I’ll Google search to see if I can find the information elsewhere before buying (unless shipping & returns aren’t major).

    • Bonnie

      You can but I’d buy from a place that takes returns. It’s hard to know whether a leather jacket is made of cheap still leather or buttery soft without touching it. Smartbargains dot com often has a good selection of Cole Haan coats.

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