ByKat Hours Updated
Comments 255 Comments

Wednesday’s TPS Report: Coulomb Pant

Wilfred Coulomb Pant | CorporetteOur daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. OK. For the record, I am opposed to the culottes look for work and most other situations. I feel like they fall into that category of “if you’re going to be wearing such a swingy big thing that you need heels with just wear a skirt” kind of items. BUT. They are a thing right now, and I must say, I kind of do like the way they’re styled here. The low wedge mules with the dip in the vamp… the close-fitting, short top (no crop tops for work! but the proportions are right with the volume here — maybe a bodysuit or something very fitted)… and the very slouchy jacket. Huh. Like I said, I’m not truly a fan, but if you’ve been itching to try it — this is the best I’ve seen, so I had to share. They're $145 at Aritzia. (Ladies, what are your thoughts on culottes, for work or beyond?) Wilfred Coulomb Pant A few lower-priced options are here (0-14), here (lucky sizes only), and here (00-14). A plus-size alternative is here (12W-24W). Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-4)

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

255 Comments

  1. Oh, no. No.
    Shoes are terrible, too. It looks like she couldn’t be bothered to put them on properly and stepped down the backs instead.
    The jacket is nice.

    Basically, I am firmly in the “just wear a skirt” camp.

      1. Agree. There are few items of clothing as polarizing as culottes, and they rarely look good on anyone. I love wide-leg pants, but…not these floods. No need to wear something that half of the population (at least) is going to think, “Nope. Nope. Nope.” to.

        1. Yes, the high waisted + floods look to me as if she just took pants that were supposed to be worn on the hips and pulled them up too high. But then again, I gave up on fashion-y things long ago, so what do I know?

      2. Yeah, no. If those pants reached the floor, I’d be all about a modern K.Hep look with a tailored top and actual pointed-toe chic flats rather than these orthopedic clunkers. As-is, nope nope nope.

          1. I don’t know, I had Wagyu culottes for dinner on Saturday night and they melted in my mouth. These pants though, yikes.

    3. YAY! I so agree. These look like my mother’s pajamas! (tho her’s are wrinkley). Beside’s I can NOT wear thing’s like this to work. When it is cold (below 30 degree’s), I can wear pant’s as long as I have a dress at work to change into. Fortunateley, we have a room with a lock on it that I can use to change. At my old office, we had to use the toilet (or the hallway) where the door did NOT lock, and when Frank saw me goeing in there with a skirt on, he would inevitibeley walk in just when I was in my undies. FOOEY! I thought that was SUCH a cheep thing to do, b/c it is NOT like he does NOT have a wife to look at in her bra and panties! FOOEY on Frank!

  2. Ghastly shoes. I think culottes look best on the tall, slim girls. But the length is off on these. Mary Orton at Memorandum styles hers beautifully. These just look sloppy.

    1. +1 I always lust after them when I see the way she styles them, but I am not delusional enough to think I could pull it off.

    2. Oh, to be a tall, thin girl. So many things look good on them!

      But I know lots of people who pull off something like a salwar kameeze (forgive the spelling — too much phonics) who re neither thin nor tall. Maybe we can learn something from them?

      I think that for those of us who aren’t models, things have to fit perfectly. There is less room for error. But there is room for variety and I am theoretically pro-coulottes (but don’t have an artsy vibe — I think that helps pull it off). I’d swap out the jacket here for an awesome scarf in a contrasting color. To me, this is an “OMG bloated and I’m trying to hide” outfit. It could have been so much more.

    3. As a tall, slim woman, culottes often make us look overgrown. Fit is important to all, regardless of shape and size.

      1. I’m also tall and fairly slim, and nothing is worse than ankle-lengthy pants. I end up looking like I couldn’t find long enough pants, or I’m wearing something I outgrew in a sudden growth spurt. Length of inseam and rise are so important when you’re tall!

  3. Looks a little frumpy? It is odd. If she looked happier, and were folding some kind of chenille throw, she could be in a Garnet Hill catalog, I think.

    Let’s say you had $125 credit at Thredup. I own zero designer things, and don’t have a big clothing budget, but I feel like this is a way that I could find an item(s) that I wouldn’t otherwise be able to purchase. What would you look for, as your first designer purchase? I’ve been thinking about a DvF dress, a Burberry trench, Frye boots, or other similar priced-out-of-my-league things.

    1. I really like my DvF (the silk blends, not the poly versions that seem to be proliferating), but on ThredUp I’d probably go with outerwear, a bag, or something else where fit doesn’t matter quite as much. I buy a fair amount of consignment/vintage/thrifted clothing, and even as a fairly experienced shopper there is just no way to reliably predict fit and sizing across brands, years, etc.

      1. I’d get something like a DVF Reina dress (for me, I go up 2 sizes from Land’s End and 3 sizes up from Talbots; I have hips but am flat-chested with no shoulders). A tailor can make it less sack-like if it is too big. If it you order something too small in DVF (which is easy to do!), are you stuck or can you return it?
        The Reina is a cute and versatile dress. I wear the one I have a ton (bought via ebay) and am kicking myself that I let one get away on Last Call recently.

        1. I think they have a 14-day return policy. I’m not an odd size–I can pretty easily fit into most XS or 2, some 0, and some 4, but I’m pretty solidly in 2 dresses. LE is always big on me–I have to go with XXs or 0-2 with them. Does DvF run true to size?

          The only dresses I’d consider are the 100% silk wrap style–her icon, I think.

          2. Even with the 14 day returns, do you have to pay shipping plus return shipping?

            I think for something like a DvF wrap you might want to go to a store first to try on to get sizes and see if the overall wrap shape flatters you – like others have said, it might not be a good cut for your body shape/size.

            The thing I wonder about ThredUp is whether people have tailored their clothes, so just because the tag says X size doesn’t necessarily mean it’s still X size. I know that’s often the case in my Goodwill/consignment purchases – the number on the tag doesn’t necessarily mean much, and sometimes that’s why it’s at a consignment shop – because the person who bought it bought it as a “true size X” but this item runs large or small.

          3. DvF tends to run small. If you’re interested in a Reina, definitely co-sign the advice to go to a store and try them on. I have to go a size up in DvF, but you’d want to see how your own boobs, hips, etc. play in their sizing.

          4. In response to Meg Murray re tailoring – it is my experience, having sold things on ThredUp too, is that they likely wouldn’t accept tailored pieces. Maybe hemmed jeans or pants (but they do list inseams on their website), but they are really, really picky about things being in near perfect/tags on condition.

          5. What is an “odd” size? Your comment makes it sound like it is anything other than an XXS, XS, 0, 2 and maybe 4?

          6. I think she means she is the same size all the way up and down, i.e. if a garment fits her, it usually fits all over; whereas some people are a 2 on top and a 6 on bottom and may have trouble fitting into one garment that is a standard size, hence “odd size.” I don’t think she intended to say that anyone who isn’t an XS is an odd size.

      2. I love my DVF dresses too and have gotten them on eBay, actually. So, I think they could be a great consignment purchase. If there’s a dress that’s going to fit you even if it’s not exactly perfect, its a wrap dress. (I’ve worn these same dresses two sizes larger, with a cami underneath since the dress didn’t wrap as tightly, and wear them now without the cami. They’ve looked great on both sizes of me and I’ve received compliments in both instances).

        1. I didn’t find this to be true. I bought a DVF wrap AT RETAIL post partum with all of these assurances — it is a purchase for the ages! The wrap will always fit!

          So not true.

          You can tighten the girth, but it really needs to fit in the boobs. If you don’t fill it up, it will gape no matter how much fashion tape you use and the line will be all off. I think she designs for an hour-glass (or at least, not for the flat-chested). The wraps are so, so lovely, but she really could sell me a lot more of them if she had another pattern (higher wrap and less fabric) for someone shaped like me.

          1. Ditto. I found her wraps super flattering for the 6-7 months I was nursing and had boobs. Now that I’m back to my usual flat-chested self I accept that true wrap dresses are usually just not made for my body type.

    2. Honestly, I’ve had really good luck with some nicer pieces on ThredUp. That said, I think they accept the Frye boots at a different level than some other pieces (i.e., the quality is not as good as some other pieces – they allow them to be more worn, knowing they will still sell). I would suggest you’re better off buying Frye boots new from 6pm or amazon on sale. The things I’ve had the best luck with on ThredUp are purses. I’ve gotten several that are brand new with tags. I’ve also bought a DVF wrap (agree, know your size if you can – I have to size up at least one to fit, 2 to be work appropriate).

  4. I can’t help it… maybe it’s something my mother has brainwashed me with but I WANT a burberry trench. I ordered the Reymoore from the Brit line, but am wondering if I am just paying extra for the label since it is made in China (as opposed to with the Heritage coats that are still made in London). I do like that the Reymoore has a removable lining and hood, but am wondering if this is something that will last. Not sure that I would actually ever pull the trigger on a Heritage coat instead… somehow 2k for a coat seems way too exorbitant… whereas I feel okay about something under 1k if it will last me for a loooooong time. Thoughts from people who have purchased from either line, or have any opinion on the topic?

    I fully realize this is a basic/tacky post, but just not sure where else to ask…

    1. I have a Brit quilted short jacket, purchased at Christmas 2011 I believe (perhaps 2012). It gets regular wear during late fall and late winter – it’s actually warmer than some of my more wintery-looking coats because the fabric is fabulous at blocking the wind, and doesn’t show any signs of wear yet. I don’t own any Heritage pieces to compare, but have no complaints for the $400-500 price.

      1. How do we distinguish buying quality from being “basic? Semi-serious inquiry. I realized I buy more labels than ever before (was the kid pining for brand names but didn’t get them), but because it feels easier to me to fix issues and I have little time to shop. (Suitcase broken? Call American Tourister to fix it. Wallet zipper broke? Call Kate Spade. . . )

        1. I thought “basic” was more of a stereotype (e.g., women who like pumpkin spice lattes, taking instagram photos of themselves holding an ice-cream cone, having chevron throw pillows etc.)…

          I am wearing an awesome Jonathan Saunders silk and wool blend skirt with silk lining. It’s quality. I hope it is not basic!

        2. A wardrobe “basic” is an item that is time-tested. Something that will be useful for many years. An item that does not go in and out of style. Basics can be high quality or low quality. Examples include: a trench coat, a silk scarf, a black suit, a string of pearls, a beret, a pair of gray trousers, a navy blazer, a great pair of blue jeans, a pair of white jeans, etc. The other items in your wardrobe (those that are not basics) can also be high quality or low quality. I don’t think the term “basic” has anything to do with stereotypes. It also does not provide any information about quality.

          2. “Basic” now has a new slang meaning similar to what RED said. It is derogatory, I think of it as saying someone lacks creativity or unique style but has the audacity to feel good about herself & her choices anyway. It’s usually cmobined with bi–h. As in, “Oh my g-d, look at that basic bi–h wearing uggs and yoga pants, drinking a giant sugary s-bucks drink and instagramming her chalkboard paint manicure.”

          3. I know the commenters above are just explaining the term and not defending it, so I’m certainly not calling them out, but can I just say how much I hate this term? Are “we” (ahem Jezebel) really criticizing someone who is happy just because the source of that happiness happens to be kinda mainstream? It’s one thing if someone acts like they’re still in middle school and SO MUCH BETTER than anyone who doesn’t also have Revas to instagram their flats standing on fall leaves. But as long as they’re doing their own happiness and letting others be free to do theirs, who cares who creative or unique it is?

          4. My 14 year old daughter is the basic-est b–ch there is. Lulu leggings, check. Brandy hoodie. Check. PSL, he11 yeah. But she owns it, loves it, jokes about it with her friends and her dear old mom. That’s what girls do with derogatory labels – they embrace them, own them, and take the sting out. I’m proud of my basic mini-me.

          5. Laughing so hard at Anoymous at 1:41 as I have an 8th grader whose Instagram feed is FULL of (Converse or Vans) standing on fall leaves, and Starbucks drinks and th e”firece” pose. Not hers so much but the classmates she follows.

            I check her Instagram most days and it is sooooo basic.

          9. I’m going to have 12 comments in moderation, but y’all should read the Daisy Buchanan Guardian article about this term. I’ve embraced it.

          10. Yup! I live in the bay area & it is totally used as a celebratory self-adjective (if you can believe it). I am a bit over 30, but I regularly have lunch with a couple of mid-20’s ladies that are way cooler, trendier, cuter & hipper than I am– and they use it to describe themselves on the regular & not in a self-effacing way. I think they just use it mean that they are mainstream cool and like mainstream cool things (yes OFTEN used when the pumpkin spice lattes come out & all the ladies go gaga for it).

    3. No advice directly on point (I have the Burberry London Buckingham trench but no Brit coats for comparison), but if you are going to get anything, get it from their physical/online store to take advantage of their free tailoring service.

    4. Like you, I really WANTED a Burberry trench. It’s iconic, great quality, and very functional. I could not afford/justify a retail purchase. I ended up finding a vintage coat in a second hand shop (living outside Boston at the time). I needed to have the sleeves altered and it is missing the removable lining, but otherwise it was a great purchase, fits me very well, and got me something I really wanted. So maybe you should keep in mind that this is on your bucket list and shop around for it until you find it at the right price, even if it’s used.

      As for the two coats you mention in the post, the Reymoore is too short to me–it is not the “classic” length and to me it’s just not practical. I wear skirts/dresses a lot and would not pay $1K for something so short. That said, I do like the hood. The Heritage is lovely but quite pricey.

    5. I bought a Burberry Brit trench three years ago. Love. Love. Love. It fits so nicely and it’s warm without a ton of bulk. It does take awhile to put on if I want to close it up but that is a small price to pay for such a beautiful trench.

      I just took it to the cleaners and it cleans up so nicely. A button had fallen off but that was the only issue with it in three years of fairly heavy wear.

    6. I have a BB Prorsum Wool trench that I love. Very good quality. Got an excellent deal at the end of the season in, oh, 2008 maybe? It definitely makes me want more BB coats. I think Nordstrom mostly stocks BB’s lower end lines and not their more expensives lines, esp for the trenches. If it’s good enough for Nordstrom…

  5. Hive,

    My friends and I are planning a weekend in Montreal to celebrate one’s birthday and I’m in charge of organizing restaurants. I’m hoping this group has some good recs based on the following:

    – We’re going Friday-Sunday (in January if it matters). We’d like a more casual dinner on Friday and something nicer for birthday dinner on Saturday

    – There are no allergy concerns though I’m not sure everyone is wild about seafood.

    -None of us have ever been.

    I’ve done a cursory search and have a list of Le Ballpark, Joe Beef, Nora Gray, Grumman ’78 and Au Pied du Cochon to offer as options but would welcome other suggestions and personal experiences!

    2. For breakfast/brunch or casual lunch one day, I recommend Olive et Gormoundo. It is sooooo good.

      My husband and I went two years ago, and that was our favorite casual meal. It gets really crowded, though. We also ate at Touqe for a special meal and loved that place as well.

    3. I’ve heard that all of those are great! (As I don’t eat pork or beef, I can’t say from personal experience :) ) For the casual night, go to La Banquise. It is the quintessential place for poutine, open 24 hours, and they have so many options that even someone who doesn’t come away from Canada loving poutine will have fun. Next to La Banquise is a bar with board games like jenga you can grab from the shelf and play while you drink (La Quincaillerie), which is great for a casual night out. Because La Banquise is next to a park with an outdoor ice rink (Parc Lafontaine), we sometimes go skating and then to La Banquise for a hearty lunch afterwards. :)

      Some other suggestions: Big in Japan (the bar, not restaurant by the same name) is fantastic — it’s a speakeasy style place with great ambiance and service, and they have an incredible punch bowl that we tend to share for birthdays. It’s expensive, but great for a special occasion. Check the address online so you don’t miss it, but it’s the sketchy looking door next to a restaurant called Patati Patata.

      Last thing: I don’t know what sort of climate you’re coming from, but Jan-Feb is often the coldest time of year here, and to really enjoy the city you’ll need to be able to walk at least a few blocks comfortably. Make sure you have really warm basics and something to cover the bottom of your face with…if you own boots like Sorel, it really is best to wear them, especially for a casual night out to La Banquise!

      1. This is perfect, thank you!

        We’re coming from the Buffalo area, so we’re used to (and typically prepared for) cold climates. This is all great information and I’m definitely going to put La Banquise and La Quincaillerie on the must do list!

  6. Hi ladies! As it gets into winter/fall, I’d like to wear more longer/tunic style tops over leggings and with boots. The problem is that I am very small chested, and rather thin, so the typical ‘gathered under the boob’ style just make me look pregnant. I wore a ton of close-fitting breton striped tunics for summer and I ordered a wool sweater dress from Athleta that looks promising, but do you have any other suggestions for (relatively) figure skimming tunics or longer tops? Under $120 would be ideal as this is mostly weekend/plane wear for me.

    1. I think Boden has some “shift” dresses or tunics that would work, with no waist seam. You can also order in P or get hemmed if you want them shorter.

      1. I love, love the DVF Reina dress. I wear mine with tights in the winter. You can find them on Last Call, etc. and they are not so expensive. I have one great Boden tunic (2012?) and one that is good (the side zipper made it hard to alter easily) and the rest I have tried on just made me look pregnant.

        One other thing that worked well for me is the Lands End pattered coverup that looks like a dress but is made from swim material. It does really well over tights and doesn’t look like anything remotely swim-y. It was about $50 or so (possibly a sale price).

    2. Honestly, I think that the longer, flowy sweaters that are so popular right now probably look much better on those with a flatter chest– on me the sweater just remains “pushed out” and has the effect of also making my waist look larger than it is. There are tons and tons of them at Nordstrom right now, and also some really cute sweater dresses (I got a BP one from the juniors section and just ordered one size up– it’s perfect)

    3. The one-off Uniqlo line with Lemaire has some excellent knits, both tunic and midi-length, mostly in a cream/ navy/ black palette, wool or similar, nice prices.

  7. I tried to post several times yesterday looking for comparisons on what people pay for their phone plans? Trying to figure out if we are way off base (170 for unlimited data 2 smart phones). I’m not sure what words I used that didn’t get it posted so I’m being vague on carrier and type of phone in case that tripped something. I’m not spam!!

    1. That doesn’t sound crazy, but it’s a bit high. For your same scenario, I pay about $115/month with Verizon, but that’s after a 20% discount because of my employer – so would be $145.

    2. I pay $45 for unlimited voice/text and 5G data from Cricket. I don’t use the data much except to watch Netflix in the waiting room or whatever.

    3. I pay $70/month for unlimited data, unlimited texting, and currently 500 anytime minutes with Sprint on an iPhone 6s. I don’t lease my phone, I go with the 24 month contract deal. I have been lazy about upgrading, but I can get unlimited anytime minutes for the same price.

    4. Have you looked into a pay-as-you go plan from Cricket, Virgin Mobile or similar? You pay for the phone up front so if you upgrade your phone every 3 years instead of every 2 you can save a fair amount. They are also moving to a system where you pay for the data you use, at a rate of about $10/1Gb. (This is largely prompted by the advent of Google’s Project Fi.) Naturally, this depends on how much data you use.

      1. FYI, I’m paying $35/month for 2.5GB from cricket. The upfront cost of the phone was $300.

    5. I pay $85/mo on ATT for one line of unlimited texting, unlimited data, and 450 minutes with rollover (which is effectively unlimited because it also includes free N&W, free mobile to mobile, and I have about 3500 rolled over because I never use the non-free minutes). I have a 20% university discount that doesn’t apply to the data portion, so I think it comes out to a $14 discount. 2 year contract and subsidized iPhone 6 (which I don’t expect to be an option when I upgrade to the 7 next year).

      1. +1 very similar here– $87/mo (including 15% discount from my employer), ATT, unlimited texting, talking, and data. 2 year contract.

    6. You may want to check and see whether you actually “need” unlimited data or whether it would be cheaper to go to a capped plan. My husband was nervous about leaving the unlimited plan, but he only used 1-2gb a month and I generally use less than a gig. I use the phone for work and travel fairly often, but as long as I avoid a lot of streaming or downloading big files over data (music, movie) it’s plenty of data. Your carrier should be able to tell you how much you actually use in a month.

      We have two iPhone 6s (used the installment plan but already paid off) with 3gb of data shared (excess rolls over one month at a time), unlimited text/calls. I have a work discount but the cost without would be around $110 after taxes and whatnot.

      2. Same here. We have 3 GB shared between 3 smartphones on our family plan, and have only gone over a handful of times – and whenever we are close, Verizon gives us the option to buy another GB for $10.

        H and I each have free fast wi-fi at work and home though, so we rarely need much data when we are out and about, except if we are on vacation or something. The few months we’ve had to buy an extra GB were when we were on vacation, or the one day that my husband setup my son watching YouTube videos all afternoon on a snow day and didn’t know that his phone wasn’t connected to wifi.

    7. I pay $60 a month from Verizon for 2 GB. I never even come close to using that much data because I prefer to use wifi on a computer. If you go with Verizon though, be sure to negotiate – those guys tried to upsell me to 2 GB for an extra $10 a month, and I stuck with the cheapest plan ($60 a month) and they ended up throwing it in anyway. Kind of like when the rental car agency tries to upsell you a more expensive rental, only to tell you later that they are out of compacts and will be getting a mid-size or full regardless.

    8. we pay $230/mo for 7 lines, unlimited data but it slows down after 2.5 gb for each line, which is plenty. Unlimited talk and text. if you take out the payment for the phones (3 of them are on payment plans), its $180 for 7 lines.

  8. Haven’t done this in a long time. What should you do before giving notice at work? So far I’ve copied over my contacts and saved files that are solely mine. I’m planning on coming up with a list of memos I need to write. What am I forgetting?

    1. Take some of the personal items in your office home, if you can do it discreetly.

      1. Definitely. You will be really surprised how much personal stuff you have at the office.

      2. Mostly this–I took home anything I wouldn’t have wanted office services to box up for me. Also, be upfront and honest about what files you saved, maybe make a list. My old firm goes into your computer history to see what you were doing for a period of time before giving notice.

  10. I love that I can remember the 70s. My mom sewed and made us all gauchos with matching kerchiefs, which we wore everwhere with white peasant blouses. We got stationed overseas and wore this all over the world (my mom with some sort of heeled boot and ultrasuede purse she made).

    Good times.

      1. It was glorious and awesome (and yet I think that people in France were a bit: we stormed the barricades centuries ago; that is why we have such nice wide boulevards now). Faux French peasant was such a look. It is almost proto-Coachella.

  11. TJ – errands/appointments during the day. How do people feel about using lunch hours, etc…for personal things like hair cuts, manicures, massages? I have a meeting-free day today, have been trying to get a hair cut for weeks, and have a ton of evening and weekend work commitments in the next couple of weeks, which makes booking “on my own time” very difficult, so I booked an hour and half for a hair cut at lunch. I work in a fairly casual office that is still battling against the idea that “face time” equals productive time.

    1. Of course. Esp if you have other stuff taking up your time evenings and weekends.

    2. It’s acceptable in my office to take lunch and leave. Whether I spend that time eating or getting my hair cut is my prerogative.

      1. +1 – I frequently run short errands at lunch now that I’m in-house. Probably wouldn’t do a mani unless desperate, because I always feel like I reek of the nail place afterward.

        Anyway, it’s KYO – at my old firm, the culture was very much “grab something at your desk” so I would have treated lunchtime appointments with caution. If it was a quiet day when I knew no one would be looking for me, I’d risk it :)

        1. +1 Same situation here. Currently in-house and have a flexible schedule, so I wouldn’t hesitate to run an errand over lunch. Unless I am working out over lunch, I usually go home and see my dogs since I work close to home. At my old firm, it was totally weird to leave for lunch unless you were going to pick up food to bring back to your desk to eat.

    3. That’s about the only time that I can get those sorts of things done. I also work in a casual/flexible office, and so even if it is a little more than a lunch “hour” it is usually ok. 2 kids at home & both h and I work, so there’s just no other time.

    5. I sometimes do these things but I never come back to the office and announce what I have done. So I wouldn’t do an obvious hair cut but I totally do manicures.

      1. We also don’t have normal lunch hours – people do not clock out and leaving the office for 60 minutes. Most people eat lunch at their desks.

      2. When I was interviewing, one partner got her hair cut at lunch and the other partner made a, you changed your hair since I saw you in this morning’s meeting comment, but everybody knows that at law firms, you got to go to your appointments when you can. Sometimes, that may be on a Thursday afternoon.

    6. Your lunch hour is yours. Even more so if you have work stuff in the PM and on week ends.

    7. I’ve gotten a few comments before after getting my hair cut/styled during work. You might want to consider throwing it back in a ponytail after so it’s not so obvious what you were out doing. I certainly do personal errands on my lunch.

      1. If you are at a place that puts a big value on face time/butt in chair time I agree it probably isn’t best to come back with a “I just spent 2 hours getting my hair cut and styled look”, so I agree I would probably try to do a ponytail or similar to make it less obvious.

        I absolutely do doctors appointments over a long lunch, or spend lunch hours at the drugstore or filling prescriptions or buying a week’s worth of lunches to put in the freezer so I have something to eat on the days I can’t get an hour away.

    8. when I worked in the city I definitely had colleagues who went to the salon during their lunch break. it was tight because we only had an hour, but it’s done! I also frequently make hair appointments during the day and work from home those days so no one even knows I get my hair done during the workday.

  12. I’m short, hourglassy and fairly muscular, and I feel like when I’m not wearing tight-ish clothes, I look frumpy. Obviously I can’t wear tight things to work, so I feel frumpy most days. I think I’ve taken care to make sure that my work clothes fit right, so I’m not sure what the problem is. does anyone else have this problem and/or have suggestions?

    1. What do you mean by “fit right”? Have you had your work clothes tailored so they really fit perfectly? I have all my jackets nipped in at the waist and all my pencil skirts taken in so they are slightly tapered at the bottom. The difference is amazing.

      1. I generally have my jackets taken in at the waist… really all of my clothes taken in at the waist. Occasionally the tailor recommends other things. I don’t know how to really judge if they fit right. Most of the time I feel all right/pretty good in them until I see people at work with different body shapes and realize that clothes just seem to lay better on them.

    2. I almost exclusively wear fitted items, even to work (there is a difference between fitted and tight). I am an exaggerated pear and like to accentuate my waist (which is now a baby bump), but you can definitely do so without looking inappropriate.

    3. Have you looked at where the waists on your clothing hit you? The most flattering waist for me is empire, and I pretty much refuse to buy anything else now. My sister looks best with a more natural waist. The biggest thing we can do to frump it up is trade clothing.

    4. You might want to really look at the styles you are selecting – maybe go into Nordstrom and let one of their shoppers select clothing for you and see how those styles differ from what you own. I have a similar figure to you, and a lot of the trendier style look super frumpy on me, even when the technically fit correctly/as intended. I second the notion that there is a difference between fitted and tight. My clothes do need to be fitted in order to be flattering, but are definitely work appropriate (I work somewhere fairly casual now, but used to be in a business professional atmosphere).

      A friend of mine always looked really frumpy at work. She had a great figure and was tall, but she was so in fear of her clothes being too tight that everything was 1-2 sizes too big. I finally convinced her to buy clothing in her correct size and she looking both amazing and far more professional. She spent two weeks moaning about how everything was so tight on her, but then got over it and enjoyed looking amazing every day.

      1. How closely are work clothes permitted to fit? I definitely had this problem when I started working and have gone down a size since then. I don’t think women around here are particularly well dressed, so there aren’t really examples of what I should be doing. I know my clothes shouldn’t be as tight as jeans/leggings/other casual wear, but I just don’t know where to draw the line.

        1. 1. If underside breastcrease or under-butt crease are visible, the clothing is too tight. Work clothing should skim over these areas, never crease. Some will argue pants/skirts should not contour the derriere bottom at all; this depends on your office culture and your age.

          2. If any bra/panty lines are visible, you need another layer under (be it a cami, slip, built-in lining, etc). If 1. happens when another layer is added, garment is too small.

          3. Chest should never gape, even if you have a cami under. Either avoid button-downs or get ones that really fit. Cowl-neck knit short-sleeves look good under blazers and are accommodating (wear a cami!).

          4. Avoid shopping at Express and look at their stuff for examples of too-tight. This is not work-appropriate clothing – except perhaps the pants according to the comments here.

          1. YMMV as always, but I find Express button front shirts to be a good choice for my hourglassy pear figure. Fitted enough to be flattering (I often have the hangs-straight-down-from-my-bust issue with button front shirts) but not so tight as to be inappropriate.

          2. Agreed, my Express advice potentially outdated – some of their stuff looks OK on their website. Stick with 1-3. Go as tight as you want within those confines and you should be both shapely and professional.

    5. I feel you. I look like a linebacker in almost anything that isn’t skin tight. OTOH, I could never get away with wearing something like a DVF wrap dress to work because it is incredibly va-va-VOOM – in fact I don’t even have the nerve to wear DVF on dates!

      The silver lining to all this is that if/when I disrobe in front of a new guy, their reaction is way over-the-top shocked disbelief. LOL.

    6. I have the same body type. What do you current wear?
      I find that tucking in blouses doesn’t work too well, they tend to billow up above the waistband. So generally I feel more put together in a fitted sheath dress. I would recommend, if you don’t already have a few, get some “nicer” dresses. DvF (non-wrap; I like Bevin, April, and Carla) and Classiques Entier fit me well and I feel really good in them. I also have a few dresses from Ann Taylor I like. Get a few fitted blazers or cardis to wear over. Also get a few sweaters or tops that are fitted/have stretch and hit at the hip that you can wear with pencil skirts or slacks without tucking.

    7. I have the same body type. My insights:
      – Get a short haircut. It sounds counter-productive but a sharp defined line really helps to “anchor” a look.
      – Pay special attention to shoulder widths and armholes. Shoulders should fit even on loose garments. Armhole bottoms should never reach the underside of your bust or you’ll look frumpy. This may require trying on petite styles and styles from large-bust companies (even if you have a larger chest circumference, not actually larger breasts, the proportion will be better)
      – Jewelry/ statements close to the face (short, chunky necklaces, broches, scarves, wide collars, perhaps even chokers) all help “anchor” and feminize.
      – Fitted pants. Small flare and heel look best on me. Short hourglass has a hard time with skinny/cigarette so avoid until you are sure you’ve found something perfect.
      – And, obviously, waist. It’s easier to get away with tight waist cinch if you’re wearing slightly flared bottoms. I own many dresses from DDAtelier – they use thicker fabrics so fitted doesn’t look tight and the waist is positioned a little higher than American cuts which is perfect for short/hourglass/muscular. You may have to get them hemmed if you’re short like me (5’2″).

    8. Ask around for a good tailor. They can make a world of difference with minor alterations!

  13. Wasn’t this already posted last week? It was awful then and still is! When I search the archives, I see it was posted on Oct 1, but the link was removed. What’s up with that? Am I the only one who remembers this?

    1. I don’t see that, but I know Kat plans posts in advance, so maybe it was posted early on accident.

  14. I feel like pants like this will fall into the “what was I thinking?” category, along with our old capri length suit pants, giant shoulder pads, and sheath suits with long jackets. And will look good on virtually no one.

  15. At what age were you when you met your significant other?

    I am only in my late 20s, so I know this post sounds a little whiney. But I have had two major live-together thought-we’d-marry relationships and so many flings. I’ve had long periods of being happily alone, but have also slept with more people than seems polite. The idea that I am going to meet someone brand new and start all over again just sounds really daunting and exhausting. None of the men I meet (online, in bars) excite me.

    And yes, I have a great career! And friends! And hobbies! A therapist, a sense of growth and self-awareness. A full life. I know I’m supposed to be happy and fulfilled alone, but I’m not. Aren’t we evolutionarily wired to want a partner with whom to have all the babies? I feel so lonely for someone, but I just can’t seem to find the person who feels lonely for me.

    1. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I hear from lots of friends that they feel the same way, so maybe that helps to know that you’re not alone in feeling lonely? My best friend is 29 and unattached, and she frequently jokes that she’s not worried about being single now because is 5 years of so a new crop of men will be on the market once all the people getting married now finalize their first divorces.

      1. I was a bridesmaid in 8 weddings in my 20’s. All but one couple I celebrated are divorced now. These are all intelligent, driven women who went to my Ivy League college and were sure that getting married young was the right step for them.

        What a mess….

        Interestingly, many of them re-married in their 30’s to men that were often near opposites of their first husbands. People grow a lot in their 20’s. Values and goals get clearly established. It takes awhile to figure out what you want, and what is truly important, in a long term relationship or marriage.

        1. I was married in my 20s in a big traditional wedding.

          Turned out that my husband was gay.

          Now I’m divorced in my 30s and gloriously aware of how miserable two people can manage to make each other in a marriage, and really looking forward to meeting someone like me, who’s older, wiser, and a bit more aware of himself.

          (BTW, am a super-regular poster, but anon for this, since lots of people here know me IRL.)

          1. Right? If you haven’t been miserable in a miserable marriage, you haven’t really been miserable! LOL

    2. 1. Watch the Mame movie with Angela Lansbury. That was me — fabulous and single and the best aunt anybody ever had.

      2. I felt like you and then kissed my last frog and stopped feeling bad (and realized that I was tired of feeling bad and that being on my own was better than any bad relationship).

      3. When I was younger, I thought I’d be like Elizabeth Taylor (many, many husbands). That hasn’t happened (yet!). But I have probably the most interesting personal history of anyone I know.

      And yet . . .

      I wound up being a first-time bride in my late 30s and I drive a minivan now. You never know. I think as we get older, the odds tip to being in our favor (for men, if not for babies).

    3. Sometimes it takes time. Sounds like you are doing many of the right things.

      I would try DOING the things that excite you, and being open to meeting men there…. not in bars.

      And some of us may be alone. I’m in my 40’s and single, never married. Some days it’s hard, some days I love it. But I do know for me that being with the wrong person would make me much more miserable than being alone. It takes awhile to get to this level of acceptance though.

      1. I’m not the poster above but I feel similarly (and I’m a similar age/life situation). My life is pretty great. I am far from lonely in terms of friends and family. I’ve been in a couple serious relationships that didn’t work out, and I’m just not sure about this idea that its better to be single than with the wrong person. Maybe I will get there some day. Up until now I have felt much happier when I was in an imperfect relationship than I do when I’m single – I just don’t feel this peace of being ok with being single instead of being with someone who wasn’t the best fit for me. I have spent more time single than not, and I was much happier when I had a boyfriend – even when he wasn’t such a great boyfriend. Does anyone have any advice in this situation? Is it something I’ll eventually grow out of (assuming I don’t find a partner)? If I decide its most important for me to be partnered should I settle for someone less than ideal and stop looking for a man who will be a really good fit for me? I would really appreciate the advice of the women in this thread. I lurk on here and see similar discussions somewhat often, and I am feeling a pretty disconnect between how I am feeling and the advice (which I really value reading, even though I don’t usually participate).

        1. “…even when he wasn’t that great of a boyfriend…”

          Not sure what you mean here? Cheating/belittling/disrespect is are obvious GTFO scenarios. Little things like Leaves Dirty Clothes Scattered Around The Room or Farts Openly In My Presence are gray areas that have to be weighed against the bigger picture.

          I guess it boils down to how YOU feel. Do you sometimes feel like you’re being too picky or will write a guy off too quickly? That’s a good reason to reevaluate. But if you’re digging through the waste basket of old boyfriends like your looking for a used tissue that isn’t THAT BAD to wipe your nose on, then just walk away from the basket. There are entire boxes of new tissues at the store around the corner.

          1. Sort of in the middle of those two issues – not outwardly disrespecting, but issues that made us not totally emotionally compatible. Men who weren’t as affectionate as I needed, or not in the ways that I needed. Different life goals or approaches. To be clear, I’m not thinking about going back to any exes, but contemplating my approach going forward.

          2. Not being emotionally compatible is a real problem. THAT becomes very lonely over time, because it tends to get worse as the relationship ages.

        2. Many women settle. Several of my friends are with men they did not picture themselves with, who they love but aren’t passionately in love with, who share different goals and values.

          Unfortunately we can’t say what will be right for you. It wouldn’t work well for me.

          Life is also compromise. And life does not guarantee you will not get everything you “want”. And there is such a thing called “luck”, and “timing”.

          Many people who talk in real life and even post on anonymous online chat sites will give you the good stories, but many who compromise do not. Many (most?) of us will probably get divorced once, or at least…. end very long term relationships with many men that we thought were “the one”. That is the norm now.

          And even good marriages take a lot of work…. and compromise. And counseling. And brief separations.

          1. I got married recently in my early 30s. I am fairly sure I settled, my husband is a good man, a supportive and stable spouse you would want by your side. There is nothing seriously bad about him, he is a good guy. I am sure most women will be thrilled to be with him.
            BUT, he is not someone I am madly in love with like some of my past relationships. I am not crazy not about him. Gardening is alright, nothing spectacular, he doesn’t put in a lot of effort or time into it. We really don’t share much common interests either. I love going out, trying out new and trendy places in town. He will never put in any effort or excitement is doing any of that, will come along if I am doing the research and make actual plans. I have a solid group of friends that I regularly go out with on weekends and happy hour, my husband doesn’t really like to drink so he avoids these outings. And I guess I am kind of okay with this, we just enjoy our parallel lives that may not have much in common. I married him because he was ready to get married as well, I was tired of dating and wanted to move on and focus my time and energy on other parts of my life. I guess I had given up on ever finding that “one” love of your life and got on with living the life I had that was not wasted on endless dating cycles.

          2. I felt I settled when I decided to get married to my husband. I am an Indian living in the US and wanted to marry an Indian who is in this country. So the pool of suitable men was very small. I would meet people online and they were all over the country. So first you have to like talking to them on phone or over chat. Then you have to meet in person which often required travel. Then if you like and continue to like for some more time and see any potential, then you have to talk about how you are going to stay together eventually if things work out. It was draining me out. I felt if I could save all the time and energy that goes into it (and save myself from the emotional turmoil), I could do so much better in my life.

            Then my parents introduced me to my husband. I liked the way he looked, he could easily find a job in my city without compromising his career goals, my parents did some background check and his family looked good, we spoke to for like six months. I was not convinced he was the right person, he was not convinced I was the right person for him. But there was so much pressure from the families to get married and tired of meeting new people, that we agreed to get married !!! After one year we got married, the day before the wedding we both were still not convinced that it was the right thing to do. Anyways, we got married. We faced lot of challenges from the wedding day itself (his father was so busy in wedding preparations that he stopped taking his medication, his BP went haywire and had a stroke on the wedding day and this is just one of the many things that went wrong). I think we faced all those challenges as a team and it took one year for everything to become normal. This week is our fourth wedding anniversary and we are very much in love and cannot think about being with any one else.

            We enjoy doing few things together, but definitely not everything. For few things, though we are not terribly interested in what the other person is doing, we just go along to give company and recognize that it is important to the other person. We are very different people and we just respect our differences. I never felt that if I had married someone else, I would be able to do certain things which I cannot do with my husband. We just know that we can depend on each other if any difficult situation. Now, I don’t feel I settled at all and I do feel that he is the one.

        3. Met my first husband at 24, married at 25, divorced at 33.

          Met second husband at 37, married at 40, divorced at 55.

          Met current lovely man at 56 and it’s been a wonderful year so far. Hopefully this one will be a keeper but no plans for marriage or cohabitation and one never knows how things will work out.

          Now that I know what a really great relationship is like, I just wish I hadn’t been so quick to settle the first two times out of the gate. It’s worth the loneliness to hold out for somebody wonderful. Also? There is nothing lonelier than being in a bad marriage. Being single is a walk in the park by comparison.

          Also lonely, I know I say this all the time, but have you thought about maybe trying a little therapy to work on this issue?

          1. I’m in therapy and taking anti-depressants. Both have helped a lot and are the reason that the rest of my life is so wonderful. I’ve struggled with a lot of depression/anxiety issues in the past and I’m doing a million times better now (I’m also a person who recommends therapy to everyone). In some ways the contrast with how much better I am feeling/doing in general makes my loneliness in this area even worse.

          2. Yeah, I hear you. I hope you’re talking to your therapist about this issue.

            Reading your reply above, I will tell you that “totally emotionally compatible” can mean a lot of things. Most men aren’t going to be as effusive as most women. My lovely new man is, well, lovely. But if I could change one thing about him it would be to have him talk about his feelings and be more verbally affectionate. But he told me once that “I let my actions speak for me” so I look at his actions, which are beyond wonderful and affectionate, and am happy with that. For me that’s not settling, it’s a price of admission I’m happy to pay.

            On the other hand, if he were critical or a practitioner of the silent treatment, that would be a deal-breaker and I’d be out.

          3. Yes definitely talking to my therapist about this a lot! I realize I come off pretty hopeless in my post. I don’t feel like that all the time, at all. I’m guessing like most things in life it will be the result of a few different factors, and not a black and white issue, which is what makes it so frustrating! Men in my age group are finally starting to act a bit more like adults (it’s really surprising what a maturity difference there still is at this age). My mental health is better and I am probably much more equipped now to navigate the kind of compromises you are talking about. And maybe the right guy will come along at some point.

            I really appreciate everyone’s input on this, and especially you Senior Attorney – your advice to others is always so wise and I am really glad that you responded to my comment.

    4. Met at 19, didn’t start dating until about 23. I had been dating one of his good friends for the 4 years before, who I had also been friends with first. Honestly, I’ve never had a long-term relationship with someone who wasn’t my good friend first, and I fully realize how lucky I am to have had that, and how freaking difficult it is to meet strangers you connect with (I’ve definitely tried that too, with no luck). I can never recommend good strategies to people other than “fall in love with your friend!” Because nothing else has ever been successful for me .

      1. I have to say, I think that happens more when you’re in college/right out of college. Once you’re a few years out, you’ve either determined why you don’t want to date those friends, tried it and it didn’t work, or they’re otherwise taken.

        I didn’t meet my husband until I was a few months shy of 33. If I’m being honest, much of my dating life was sort of miserable because I’m much more of a relationship gal than I am a dating gal and it just kind of sucked to have to go through the never-ending merry-go-round of NYC dating. Still, I wouldn’t trade my experiences because I found my perfect partner and none of the guys I’d met before him would have been right for me.

        1. I have to agree with Batgirl – falling in love with a friend was pretty much my dream, since it takes me time to warm up to people, but by the late twenties/early 30s, I think it might be too late for that. It’s harder to form those sorts of intense friendships, for one thing. I don’t really have a solution – online dating is tough for me, in part because of the whole “slow burn” problem mentioned above, but to the OP, you’re not alone.

          1. I read the OP’s post more closely and wanted to respond to one more thing – I think there is some evidence that we are actually wired to want a partner to have all the babies with. So, not being able to be totally happy alone or to totally eradicate the desire for a partner doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. I know there’s a chapter in Sara Eckel’s book about this, and the book “Attached” also has a more scientific explanation.

          2. I used to only date people I was friends with, too. I liked that they were ‘vetted’ and not strangers. That led to a series of meh boyfriends that I wasn’t terribly enthused about but just figured this was how it was. Still, I always felt they weren’t quite the right fit and that ‘almost-ness’ would lead to nonstop bickering and I’d break it off. After the last of those, I was single for about a year and had a freak-out around a birthday when I did the reverse math (I definitely want kids, I should be married for X amount of time before kids, I should be engaged for X amount of time before marriage, I should be dating a guy for X amount of time before engaged and OMG I’m too late!) My friend urged me to try online dating to ‘practice’ as I hadn’t been on a first date in a long time and never with someone new/stranger as I had always dated friends. Well, I certainly met a few duds on the first 3-month trial, but it pushed me to recognize what I had to offer and that I didn’t want to settle with ones that weren’t terrible but that I wasn’t very enthused about. Those weirdo duds stunk and made me feel a bit more hopeless. I went on a vacation and decided to focus on things I wanted to do, signed up for various classes and activities, and decided to keep ‘practicing’ at meeting new people with match with a new attitude and approach and signed up for a second 3-month trial. I met my boyfriend through match, we actually have a lot of friends in common and our paths have (unknowingly) crossed many times over the years, so he doesn’t feel like a stranger to me. We felt something for each other right away we had never felt before. Sure, there was passion, but there was also just the wanting to keep choosing each other and supporting each other, which I feel is the foundation for happy relationships and marriage. And that was something I had never felt before. I had never felt SURE and certain. (And we are well within the timeline to have kids, which we both want.) All this is to say, as many have said before, do what makes you happy. (FYI that reverse math does not make you happy.) I feel so confident that if I had met him months before when I was still in the throes of online dating and self-discovery, it wouldn’t have worked out. He also feels the same way that if we had met earlier he wouldn’t have been ready. You do you. Life will follow. Maybe you find the one next month in the cutest way possible. Maybe you don’t find him/her for years. Maybe you don’t find one but several over the course of your life. Maybe you find you. I know that’s hard advice to follow, but if you focus on doing what makes you happy, you will find that happy and content place.

        2. Oh, by no means was I recommending that my way of doing it was the best way to do things, though reading back I realize it come off that way. I was trying to answer the OP’s original question while explaining why I couldn’t give great advice for her particular situation.

          I really, really dislike going on dates with strangers- a combination of extreme introversion and social anxiety. I know no one LOVES dating (actually, I suppose that’s not entirely true), but I think I really particularly hate it. Therefore, the friend-dating was basically the only strategy that was ever going to work for me!

    5. Girl, you ain’t gotta be polite about how many people you sleep with! You do you and what makes you feel good (but be safe).

      If it makes you feel any better, I am 35, single-ish (talking to someone now who I could see myself marrying, but you never know what will happen), same deal with checking the life boxes, and hell, it sure does get lonely sometimes. But it’s okay to feel lonely. Just know that being lonely doesn’t mean you are a bad person, or defective, or anything like that. It just means what it means, you are lonely at that exact moment. It too shall pass.

    7. I feel exactly like you do, but I’m a few years older. I’ve been on so many lackluster dates (with good people! but we just felt nothing), and then last year I met someone amazing who made me feel all the feelings and adored me just as I was (and vice versa). Although it didn’t work out in the end because our life goals were totally different, it gave me a lot of hope. It made me realize that it truly does only take one to make all the lonely time and bad dates a distant memory.

    8. I had signed up for online dating (match) when I turned 30, and was mostly having fun with it. During that time, I met up with my friend and her husband and one of his coworkers (recently separated, and I had met him in passing super briefly about a year prior). We all had dinner together again about 4 months later, and the coworker and I started dating. We took things very, very slowly due to his in-process divorce. Now, nearly 3 years later, we are living together.

      I didn’t date very much during my 20’s, and I’m actually kind of glad I did. I witnessed a lot of turmoil in friends’ relationships during that time, and witnessed some marriages fall apart. It did get lonely at times, but I grew up a lot during my 20’s, and was able to learn a lot about myself, become truly independent, and create a full life for myself. A couple weeks after I turned 30, I decided I was ready to be proactive about it and headed over to a friends with my laptop and a bottle of wine and we wrote my profile together. I didn’t meet my SO on match, but I did learn a lot from dating and communicating with men on there, and I enjoyed it for the most part.

    9. I was 29 when I met DH.

      I had never been a dater and never had a serious relationship. Like, after college, I dated a guy for a month, and that was my only relationship before DH. (I’m not strange or anything! I’ve just tended to be on the serious / quiet side, and have never really been boy crazy.) I had kind of accepted the idea that I would never get married. I sometimes would panic over the idea of spending my life alone.

      But when I had my first date with DH, I thought that he was the one. So, when people say not to worry, that it’ll happen when you least expect it, and that it’ll happen really fast — those things have been totally true in my case.

    10. The idea you will meet someone new can be exhausting until you meet that someone. All the ones before then are exhausting because you’re constantly starting from scratch. The thing is, it’s now almost become unacceptable in society to want a relationship. You’re supposed to be all cool and independent and happy with your life being single, and for some people that works, but for some people it’s a big deal. Ultimately, none of that means it’s not ok sometimes to feel crappy about the fact that you’d like to meet someone but haven’t.

      I was (mostly happily) single for six years before I met my SO at age 34 and I wasn’t dating people other than casual hook-ups occasionally (37 and divorced for him, so he is certainly one from the ‘second time round’ pool). We had peripherally known each other for a decade or so, but he had never featured anywhere on my radar as a possible boyfriend – he was married, then in another relationship and otherwise I just never really considered him. I was happy with my little life, and I wasn’t looking to meet someone. Then one day – BAM!

      And yeah, totally agree with the person above that the number of people you sleep with is irrelevant. You do you.

    11. I met my now husband just as i was about to turn 30. Had dated a bit in my 20s but no significant relationships and remember those feelings of “will i ever find someone to date long term”. Fast forward 7 yrs, we have 2 kids and are about to celebrate our 5th anniv next year. Sometimes all it takes is for timing to happen and then things go boom. I have to say over half a dozen close friends of mine all approached 30 without our significant other and now 6-7 yrs later, all of us are married and several with families. it does seem like timelines and things speed up in your 30s so take comfort in that and keep doing what you need to do to meet people

    12. This probably isn’t really helpful, but I just wanted to say you’re not alone. I could have written your post almost word for word…. I just try and focus on making the aspects of my life that I can control as awesome as possible, and hope that some awesome person will want to be involved.

    13. I have no advice–just wanted to say that your post could be describing my exact situation. I, too, have an otherwise happy, fulfilling life, a great family, lovely friends, hobbies, volunteer work, a great career I adore. I have a great, meaningful life. I am happy in my own company. I fully understand that relationships don’t mean you stop being lonely or that life is easier.

      But. But it’s just not enough. I think there’s no amount of self analysis or therapy or self-love that will do away with the the yearning to be in a partnership. Nor does anyone’s advice that “it will happen when you least expect it” or “it just takes time” help at all, in any way. I agree with one of the other posters that having an otherwise happy life sometimes makes it feel like the stark contrast between my love life and the rest of my life that much more frustrating and saddening, even if that’s not a great or healthy perspective.

    14. I met my husband in my mid thirties. Love my life now, but I dont regret a minute of my single life before, except I wish I had the luxury of having kids without the risks of “advanced maternal age”.

    15. Met at 19, started dating at 21 (friends first, both in others relationships), moved in together @23, enganged @24, married at 25. First kid when I was 29(and 3/4!). 32 now with #2 on the way.

      We have changed a lot since we were younger, but I think since we were friends (true friends) first, this growing-up together thing worked for us. I have several other friends that married around 25-27ish and are now divorced/divorcing because life took them in different directions.

  16. Kat, I know you’ve addressed the late second posting previously, but just wanted to make another request to have it moved up earlier in the day. It’s getting posted so late in the day on the East Coast that there’s almost no point to it. Just looking at the past few days there are 150+ comments on the morning post, while the afternoon one is lucky to get half that. It seems like a real missed opportunity.

      1. Another request to post the coffee break post earlier! I actually think the site would be better off without some of the mid-day topical posts because they seem to disrupt the conversational rhythm, and then the coffee break post goes up too late and no one is around.

      2. +1. She said something a while ago about how we need to email her if we want a response because she doesn’t always read through the comments in a timely fashion. So that may be a better way to go.

    2. I agree. Can’t posts just be scheduled to post in the morning if early in the day is too hectic?

  17. I know this has been covered before but I need some advice. I have a friend who is not really the best person. She’s selfish and self-absorbed and has a real inflated sense of importance. I don’t really enjoy spending time with her anymore because it turns into a competition about work and who is busier and I’m just not interested in that. I also feel like I’m just not getting anything out of the friendship anymore. However, I know that at least part of the reason why she acts the way she does is because she’s unhappy and insecure so I feel bad cutting her out knowing that she’s unhappy. Any advice?

    TIA!

    1. It sounds like you don’t really like her. At this point, I think you need to put your own needs ahead of hers. You don’t owe her, or anyone a friendship, especially when you’re getting nothing out of it.

      I have a friend like this, and it drives me INSANE when she tries the whole work one-upping, so I know how you feel.

    2. I was in a similar friendship and gave it the slow fade. I’m SO much happier. It has been hard sometimes (excluding her from group events I organize, mainly), but it’s made those events so much nicer.

      1. +1

        It’s hard, but sometimes necessary.

        And I find that sometimes being direct with these people is more scarring for both of you. And often these folks will lash out at you and tell you all the reasons why YOU are not a diamond of a friend either, because this is the way they deal with conflict and continue to keep themselves on a pedestal.

      2. +100

        If I don’t ever feel good when I spend time with a person, then I stop hanging out with that person.

        If you want, you could tell her what you’re experiencing and that you don’t want to hang around her anymore. And really, I could see that being a good thing if you guys have been really close. She may not know how she’s coming off. But it’s up to you as to whether you want to confront the situation with her, or just stop spending time with her.

        But either way, you need to do something.

    3. You don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. She’s unhappy. You didn’t make her that way. She is a negative force in your life. Be your own best friend first and stop trying to prop up something that is bringing you pain.

    4. Her happiness is not your responsibility. Really. You can slow fade or you can be upfront and honest. Up to you, but I would not continue to spend time with this person. I have been much happier since releasing these people from my life.

    5. I broke up with a friend about 3 months ago and posted here about it. Except in my case, we had only known each other for about 6 months at the time, and she considered me much more of a good friend than I considered her. My situation was particularly awkward because 1) she really, really would not let me do the slow fade (read: even though we weren’t even that close) and 2) the reason she was able to try #1 is because we are in a very small cohort of classmates who are with each other about 24 hours per week.

      Anyways, she finally got the (what was way more than just a) hint and my life is SO much better now. So, do it. Definitely break up with her.

  18. I’d like to learn more about my state’s gun laws, Illinois. Any good resources the hive can share? I literally just Googled “best way to learn about gun laws” and some promising results have appeared, but I am wondering if there are any vetted resources you can share. Thanks!

    1. Don’t forget to check your city/county – they may have additional laws on top of the state’s.

  19. Thanks to those who commented late last night/early this morning on my allergies question. Since you raised sinus surgery, I’ll ask more about that–who has had it done and what was the experience like? Recovery time? Time until you can get back to activities like distance running (and any issues with that)? Does it require going back in for surgery again in a few years? I already know my insurance is terrible so I’ll just assume it would cost $$$…

    I think I have always leaned against surgery because I worked with a partner who had it done, and he sounded awful. He was always doing this forceful mucus gurgle every minute or two, and it was really cringeworthy when on calls or in meetings with clients. I take it that was just an anomaly?

    1. I have. It was incredible. Mine was outpatient and I was in/out in a few hours. I took a full week off work, mostly because I knew I wouldn’t do well after anesthesia. My nose was still sore for the next week and then mildly sore for about a month. I was told to not do anything ‘rigorous’ for 8 weeks while things still heal. Follow up surgery isn’t required.

      Your ENT can help you decide what’s best for you. I had to go through several stages to ensure I was the right candidate since I didn’t have any structural deformities (other than the scar tissue I mentioned before). Basically, they did an MRI or CT of my sinuses, scoped/sampled me, put me on antibiotics for 6 weeks, and then rescoped/sampled me. Apparently, some people have lingering bacteria which is the cause, so before they do surgery they rule that out.

      That sounds disgusting. I have a bit more mucus in the mornings, but it’s not trapped in my face. I neti pot regularly now which helps. It has changed my life; I was sick every 3-6 weeks like clockwork for years. Now, I’ve had one sinus infection.

      Also worth noting, I had some immune system work done to make sure there wasn’t some other reason I was always getting sick. Any ENT worth their salt will recommend this as a first step.

  20. I come from a culture where baby showers are not the norm, am pregnant and am not planning on having a shower. Some close family friends, in laws, and others have asked me about this and have all said that I should register anyway because even w/o a shower, they’d like to know what stuff I don’t have/would want because they would like to get a gift. I feel like registering without a shower is weird and quite possibly very tacky. But is this something that’s done? What do you all think about this?

    1. I did this for my wedding, but I only shared registry information with people who specifically asked for it, and I only decided on this arrangement at the urging of a friend who insisted I make a registry. This way, it helps out people who want to get you something but don’t know what, and it doesn’t seem like a gift grab (as much?) I still would have preferred to not make one, but this seemed like an all-right solution.

    2. I would register. You are having a baby and people love to give baby gifts. It’s always better to get someone something they need rather than more stuff they don’t want or need. If you feel weird about it, just keep the registry somewhat small and tell yourself it’s for “family” (even if other people use it as well).

    3. We did this for our baby because people KEPT ASKING. We didn’t have a shower, and didn’t want any baby items before the birth for cultural/religious reasons. Nonetheless, people want to buy your baby things and they want those things to be useful to you. We used babylist, which lets you list items from different retailers.

      1. Preg now and didn’t have a shower and literally everyone (even co-workers) wanted to know what I wanted. Finally gave in and made one on Amazon universal registry (you can oit stuff on it from any site). Also, in case you bet multiples or stuff you don’t want- baby’s r us takes returns from basically anywhere as long as they stock the item online or in store. I ended up returning a lot of no essentials (I got 3 $200 baby bouncer things) and traded them in for diapers and other essentials which was great.

    4. I have no idea if I’ll have a shower or not, but last week I gave in to registering merely as a way to keep track of all the stuff I’m considering buying, as well as price alerts and adjustments, which many sites do for you. Additionally, certain registries provide a pretty decent discount for anything you buy off your registry, and sometimes offer specials on top of that (even if you are the one doing the buying). Eg, Target is doing a sale on carseats that are on a registry, discount not available otherwise.

      So, long story short, I’m doing it basically for myself, and if friends and fam happen to find it and use it, more power to them (and it’s something to offer if they ask).

      1. +1 My biggest motivator for registering was (1) to keep track of what we needed and (2) those discounts. When you are buying a $400 stroller/carseat/extra base, that 15% really adds up.

    5. Like you, I come from a culture without baby showers (there’s nothing to celebrate until the baby arrives). However, I still created a gift registry for each of my 3 pregnancies (and my friends pretty much all did as well). Registering for baby gifts has become about as common as registering for a wedding. This will help gift-givers know what you want and need. It also has some other benefits, including discounts you might be offered from the store. Best vendors to use include Buy Buy Baby, Magic Beans (awesome high-end store in Boston and CT; also has an online store), Babies R Us, Target, and Amazon (although I think that returns to Amazon are annoying).

      Remember to register for things that you’ll need 6+ months post-birth. It’s easy for new parents to focus on the infant months and not realize how quickly time flies. Include a portable booster seat, a high chair, molded plastic bibs, exersaucer, convertible car seat, etc.

    6. Definitely register! I’m in the same boat and have registered so that family that keeps asking what they can get me will have some guidance as to what we like and need. But the real reason you have to register is that you want to do it somewhere with a good completion discount (and most big places have one that is 10 or 15% off, plus some other bonuses). Give them a due date significantly ahead of your actual due date, and then when the date passes, you can buy out the rest of the things you need from your registry at at least 10% off. If you like stuff at different places, it’s still worth doing at multiple stores.

    7. It’s not tacky, as long as you only tell people about the registry if/when they ask.

      1. Could you do it as an Amazon wishlist so it’s more like a ‘here are things I was planning to buy’?

  21. Drugstore makeup experts – does anyone know of a good dupe to Physician’s Formula black eyeliner (specifically the black one in the Shimmer Strips trio’s)? I use it on my waterline and it works great, but it’s only available (AFAIK) in the packs of 3 and the other two don’t work as well // at all on the water line (so I’m spending $12 for one that I use). Any ideas?

    1. How about gel liners? I use Rimmel gel liner on my water line, and it does not move…at all. I can sleep in it without budging, shower, etc. A little pot lasts forever too

      1. Interesting idea! Is it easy to apply? Any issues with it flaking in your eyes? Do you use soap or a special cleanser to remove (hoping for soap – the cleansers make my eyes greasy)

  22. Hi ladies, I could really use some advice. I just interviewed for a dream job in nyc. DH and I are currently in DC and have actually been trying to relocate to a more affordable city for a while, but this job post came up and it’s just such a rare opportunity! I’m so torn on moving to NYC though b/c we’re planning to start a family soon and it just seems even more difficult and expensive in ny than in DC. Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated! Especially on more affordable areas to live? We’d be looking for a 2 bed, which just seems crazy in ny. Thanks in advance!!

    1. Take a deep breath. You just had the interview. If you get a job offer, that is when you consider your options because then you will be provided all the terms of the job, salary, bonus, reimbursement for moving expenses, location of the office, and you can negotiate. These things will all impact where you live, if its worth it to move, etc. Until you know everything, you cannot make informed decisions. For what it’s worth, I have heard that both NYC and DC are very high cost of living areas, but DC may be slightly more expensive.

      1. DC has preschool for 3 year olds though. I don’t have kids, but I’m told that’s huge.

      2. As someone who’s lived in both, I can say that DC is definitely not more expensive than NYC. The news articles that have been going around seem to focus only on DC itself vs. the five boroughs (when a fairer comparison would be NOVA, MD, and DC v. NYC and five boroughs). Rent may be similar in some areas, but you get a whole lot more in DC than you would in NY.

    2. Queens! Specifically Jackson Heights, Astoria, Sunnyside. Lots of great neighborhoods for raising a family, and a pretty decent commute depending on where in Manhattan you work.

      1. Queens is a good option. I’d add Woodside and Forest Hills to the above neighborhood suggestions.
        You could also look in Riverdale (Bronx). Brooklyn is very expensive now unless you are willing to go quite far out and even then. You could also search Hoboken/Jersey City which are in NJ but are an easy commute to downtown Manhattan or certain parts of midtown.

        Are you looking to rent or buy? What’s the budget?

        1. Thanks ladies. This is a govt job so I already know salary, etc. We’d be renting and I just have no sense of what’s reasonable. Is < 3k/month doable?

          1. Certainly doable for a two bedroom in the aforementioned Queens neighborhoods.

      2. In case you’re still reading, check our Bay Ridge! Pretty far into Brooklyn, but much cheaper than brownstone Brooklyn with all the same amenities and great community. Convenient if you work downtown, but if you work in midtown go with queens. You can get a decent 2 BR for about 2k and change here, a very nice one for more.

    3. The Washington Heights and Inwood neighborhoods of Upper Manhattan are relatively affordable, have great parks, and good public transportation access. Also, both neighborhoods are filled with prewar buildings with larger apartments, so it’s easier to find a 2-bedroom. Also, most apartments in these neighborhoods have dishwashers, which is huge for a family.

  23. Unless this is for a NY gov’t job where you just have to be in NY, I would suggest looking across the Hudson River at Jersey City or Hoboken. It was the only place where I could get a 2-bedroom without shelling out +$1M. You also would not have to pay for NYC taxes.

  24. So ladies, as the weather turns chilly in my area, I want to step up my wardrobe. I’m early 30s, with a child and feel too grown-up for hoodies. But sweaters are just not as warm and definitely not as wind-proof! Any ideas? My style is on the preppy side and I live in a town with VERY limited shopping options.

      1. This – I do the full-zip windproof “fleece” as a step up from hoodies. (I don’t do the actually fleece fleece… If you go to a store you’ll see some options look more casual than others.)

      2. Apparently what I am describing is called a “softshell.” Get a softshell!

    2. A tight knit wool or cashmere will be very warm, and basically wind-proof with a long-sleeve t-shirt underneath. Add a trench and you have wind/water protection. Preppy and grown-up!

      2. Jacket is an extremely vague term and I would not consider most jackets to be equivalent to a hoodie. That might be regional though. Jackets are like coats to me.

        1. It’s not that vague. Jackets are for spring/fall temps, coats are for winter (MN perspective here). If it’s cool enough for a long sleeved sweatershirt/hoodie, than that would be the same range I’d wear a jacket instead of a hoodie. A coat would be something I put on over the hoodie because the hoodie itself isn’t enough.

          1. Ah, see, in California, I never learned that! I just thought a jacket was a short coat. I assume the OP might not know either or she wouldn’t ask a question that is probably really obvious to Minnesotans!

      3. I guess I am not used to wearing jackets indoors and would feel weird keeping it on. Guess I’m not as grown-up as I thought.

        1. Surely if you’re wearing it inside, it doesn’t need to be wind-proof? It would be normal to wear a cardigan so that you’re warm when inside, and put on a trench (or other autumn jacket if you don’t like the trench style) to keep out wind when you go outdoors.

          1. But she wants to wear it both inside and outside during temperate weather, like you can a hoodie. I still vote North Face-type zip up.

    5. Trench coat, lined or unlined depending on your weather/preferences. Tons of options from pricey Burberry to a ton of knock-offs that are great and cheap.

      A leather jacket. Buy something classic, fitted.

      A simple wool/cashmere blend wrap coat, with a belt.

      I favor simple, classic cuts in all of these that are timeless. Can buy all of them at Nordstrom’s (free delivery/returns), and you can find great sales if you wait.

    6. I have a knit/sweater material hoodie from Lululemon that I love. That said, I wouldn’t wear it to work, even for business casual. For work, I’m partial to cashmere wraps or cashmere cardigans.

  25. I’m six years out of law school & taking my second bar exam in February, while working. How much time is too much to ask my employer (~40 lawyer firm) for leave? I would expect it to be 100% unpaid. I didn’t find my first bar prep (right out of school, while unemployed) terrifying or overwhelming and I didn’t put in crazy hours, but I did study pretty consistently about 40 hours a week for 8-9 weeks (and felt very prepared when I took the test). Ideally I’d like to take about 6 weeks off, so I could study 50-ish hours a week for those 6 weeks and achieve the same level of preparation without killing myself. Is that too absurd to ask for? I’ve heard a lot of stories of people taking only 1 or 2 weeks, but that seems insane to me. I feel like I would need a minimum of 4 weeks off, so I’d like to ask for more time off in hopes of agreeing on at least that much as a final number. My job is normally at least 50 hours a week, and I have a family, so putting in more than 15 hours or so a week of bar study while working is going to be very difficult. I’ve done 70+ hour weeks before plenty of times, but I don’t know that I could string two or three months of them together without any recovery time in the middle.
    I’ve also heard that your second bar is a lot easier, but to me it seems harder because I’m so far removed from everything I learned in law school but never use in practice (torts, property, etc.) I feel like I have a good short-term memory but I have not retained anything from the bar 6 years ago. Thoughts?

    1. At my medium law firm, associates get 2-3 weeks prior to the week of the bar off to study. It largely depends on your office but if you work 50+ per week, you might be too valuable to the firm to take off 6 weeks.. also 6 weeks is alot.. i think you only need max 3. Studying the second time around is not like law school.. you’ll pick up concepts faster and you’ll be better at the essays just by having work experience and knowing how to think about a prob logically. The rote memory stuff like RAP, statutes of limitations etc you’ll just have to memorize.

    2. I took two and a half weeks off, of which the last week was doing the bar exam and a few days’ post-bar break so I was studying full time for about 10 days. I did the February bar, too, and studied after work (BigLaw so not every night) and every weekend January and February and before that some weekends in November and December, but not consistently, mainly going through the lectures etc.

      This was totally doable and I had not done a bar exam before (foreign-qualified attorney), but much of the law was the same and familiar, but then I did not have other commitments besides work to worry about. The main thing I struggled with was being a qualified lawyer, I would try to be ‘too clever’ about some of the answers and it takes some time to get back into the frame of mind of doing things how they want you to do them in exams.

      Are you taking a bar prep course? That might make a difference to how much time you need. I did Themis on-demand and started the lectures sometime in November at a relatively slow pace and finished them sometime in January.

      Also kudos to you for feeling prepared when you took the exam – I have never heard anyone else say that before!

    3. My firm (40 attorneys) routinely gives 2 DAYS off to study for our second bar, so a month and a half definitely wouldn’t fly. The bulk of study time is expected to occur on your own time, after work and weekends. However, we’re on the border of two states, so lawyers are usually taking the two back to back (one in July and the second the following February) so the information is still fresh. Is the employer requesting that you take the second bar? What practice area are you in?

    4. Are you taking the bar for your current employer, or to move? If it’s for your current employment, I think you have more leeway to take what you think you need. Although I would tend to guess that you probably could do it in 2-3 intense weeks, so long as you were doing some initial review at night and on weekends starting round the turn of the year. If you’re changing jobs, IMO it all depends on whether they know or not and how they feel about it.

    5. Thanks for the comments. I moved from the state where I was licensed and am now working at a firm in the new state where I’ll be taking the bar, so passing the bar is essential to my employment. I’m a litigator so there’s a lot of limits on what I can do until I’m licensed here. I haven’t been able to make appearances in any cases, etc. I am enrolled in Barbri (at the firm’s expense) and have already started doing a little bit, will definitely ramp up in November.

      1. I did this, moved and took a second bar for my new state, a year and a half after my first. I don’t really remember how long/much I studied, but I don’t think it was anywhere near six weeks.

        What I did do was get admitted pro hac vice in all cases in which I was participating, and as long as someone else in the firm was on the case as counsel of record it was fine. Is there any reason why you can’t do this until you get the bar results?

    6. I’m in a similar boat– taking my second bar this February. My firm will basically give me 2 weeks — meaning, they will count 100 hours of bar study toward my billable requirement. I’ll probably take those hours right before the exam.

      But you should know that you can start studying much earlier. I recently got my Barbri materials, and they have an “early start” program where you basically just start studying a lot earlier, and only put in 10 hours a week. That is the program I’m planning to follow, so that I can do it on evenings and weekends.

      1. Thanks, I’m definitely planning to do the early start. I wouldn’t expect to get any billable credit for it – I would think it would be treated like a medical leave, where your hours for the rest of the year are pro-rated. If I’m not being paid & I’m not getting any hours credit for it, it doesn’t sound as unreasonable to me but maybe I’m way off base.

    7. I got 2 weeks at a mid-size/large firm when I took my second bar. They had no set policy, and I got some pushback on my 2 week request (my practice group head thought a week would do), but they ultimately agreed to it. 6 weeks sounds crazy.

    8. 6 weeks is probably too much. My firm gives I think 3-4 weeks. I didn’t take any time off before my second bar (which I don’t recommend… it’s painful). I think 2 or 3 weeks is reasonable. It’ll come back faster than you think and honestly, i think a lot of passing the bar exam involves knowing how to spot jssues and write and reason more than knowing the actual law (i definitely made up some incorrect law on my 2nd bar and just ran with it. On one answer, i actually wrote “i would get on westlaw and look up the following issues.” I passed. You will too)

    9. Six weeks is way too much. I wouldn’t expect more than two weeks. More than that and you will look like you can’t plan ahead. You will also have colleagues angry that they’re having to cover for you. Maybe you could discuss what the billing expectations on you will be for the next few months and have those lowered a little, instead. Life will be more difficult for a few months, but unless you were recruited for this position, figuring out how to make it work is your responsibility.

      Also, it is totally doable on far less than four weeks. Your second bar just isn’t that hard (I believe strongly that either you test well or you don’t, and it sounds like you did just fine the first time). I took a second bar three years out of law school. I was planning a move, so I didn’t tell my biglaw firm. I studied on the weekends for months and took 2 1/2 days off work (afternoon travel, taking the exam, straight to work from airport on Thursday). It can be done.

    10. Are you sure there isn’t a way for you to waive into the new bar? The rules keep changing, but I was able to waive into my state’s bar by waiving into the D.C. bar (but not directly). Also, is the firm asking you to be admitted to the second bar? If they are, then they should be supportive of your wanting to do a good job. I think three weeks off is reasonable, and I would look into doing podcasts and finding time to listen to them on your commute, while exercising, etc.

  26. I recently found out that my friend’s fiance was diagnosed with cancer. I don’t believe it is considered terminal, but it does not look promising. I just had a similar situation with another friend. I’m having a difficult time focusing and not freaking out. I can’t believe I have to deal with this again. Any advice on how to stay calm and be supportive? Anything I can send to her? They live together and are about 3 hours away from me.

    2. Look up the “ring theory” of kvetching – an LA Times article. I’m your friend in this case, and I think it’s a really good framework.

      1. Thanks, that was an interesting read. I would never dump my feelings on her. I guess I just wish there was something more I could do to help, but maybe there isn’t.

  27. Has anyone ever resigned from a job before finding a new one? I’m generally very averse to doing so but it’s getting harder and harder for me to stick it out in my current situation.

    1. I have – I found myself in an untenable position with an emotionally abusive boss. It was impacting my health and my family in a way that was not acceptable. So I quit without another job lined up. It took eight months for me to find something new, but in the meantime I was able to do enough contract work to pay the mortgage. I do NOT regret it – but two years later I am still rebuilding my savings (the new job did not pay as much). Also, fortunately my new job was a good one, but if it had not been I would have been stuck since you cannot really quit two jobs in two years.

      Only you can make that decision for you. I had money in the bank and supportive (and well-off) family members who offered to help before I quit. I had no debt other than my mortgage. I knew that I could do at least some contract work – albeit earning half of what I made before. Think about the practicalities of how you are going to pay the bills that have to be paid while realizing that finding a new job is hard and you might end up with something that is not as “good”.

    2. I have, although it was very early in my career (my early 20s). I absolutely hated my job and dreaded going to work. I quit after 4 months. At the time my family thought it was a bold move, but I just couldn’t take it. I was very fortunate to move back into my mom’s house and then ended up finding a good job about 4 months later. I think your peace of mind and well being is very important.

    3. I did, but it was because I was relocating for my husband’s work. He moved and started his new job, and I followed 6 weeks later. Two weeks before the move, I had my last day of work, and no job lined up in the new city, but applications out and some interviews scheduled. My employer was very supportive, but that doesn’t appear to be the situation here. Honestly, though, had we not moved, I would have probably started to look locally and leave that employer soon.

      …end of the story is that the day after we moved into the new place in the new city, one of the jobs I had applied to called to offer me the position. Worked out great, but it was serendipitous.

  28. My manager has serious allergies and is sniffing non-stop. This has been occurring for a couple weeks. I casually mentioned last weekend that maybe it’s a sinus infection and she said, “it’s just allergies”. It’s driving me crazy!! I have an office with a door so I’m going to close it partially today. I’m sure she’ll ask why my door is closed…what to say?

    1) your sniffing is driving me bat sh*it crazy OR

    2) I had to make a personal phone call and didn’t get up and open my door when I was done OR

    3) Just trying to concentrate so that I finish this project on time.

    1. #3. And I wouldn’t assume she has a sinus infection, unless you are a doctor and you are her doctor and she asked you, and you know that it is a sinus infection due to your medical expertise and an exam of her sinuses.

    2. Get some earplugs. Seriously, they’re a lifesaver. People think I wear them at work to focus. I guess that’s true, since focusing= not listening to sniffing, smacking, or whatever else people are doing.

    3. As someone who every once in a while falls into your manager’s situation, I’d say trust me: she knows, and is mortified at how constant it is, and she’s just as annoyed by it. But there’s a certain level of compassion and understanding that is reasonable for you to extend to her, and she appreciates it. Distractions happen for everyone, and this one is annoying to you (I get it), but we all deal. Asking about it or offering solutions to her medical issue probably comes across as a disingenuous attempt to say “stfu with the sniffles!” and doesn’t actually feel nice to be on the other end of.

    4. even if it is a sinus infection, what do you think a doctor can do? there’s no way to know if a sinus infection is viral or bacterial, so antibiotics are only given to people who are showing serious symptoms, and/or a fever. if it’s just uncomfortable, best thing is medicine, saline spray, warm compresses and rest. get some earplugs, maybe listen to music, and wait it out.

  29. I’m not assuming it’s a sinus infection. I guess maybe what I should’ve said to her is “you’ve been congested and sniffing for weeks, have you considered going to the doctor?”

    1. Why do you care if she goes to the doctor? If she’s been exhibiting symptoms for weeks and no one else has gotten sick, there doesn’t appear to be a concern of her having something other than allergies that might infect you all. So, she’s just got allergies that will be present until ragweed season ends. She’s not going to pay whatever her probably high copay is to have a doctor say “it’s seasonal allergies, keep doing your normal treatment routine.” Unless you want to donate the copay money and leave time for her to make an appointment, put on your big girl panties and learn to work with a normal level of distraction.

      1. Wowzas, why so snotty?

        I hate people who sniff constantly–it’s a disgusting sound. Yeah, her manager probably cannot help it to some degree. But her manager should “put on her big girl panties” and blow her nose or take some allergy medicine instead of forcing the rest of the world to listen to the sounds of her inhaling her own snot.

        Have some compassion for your allergic manager but just close your door. If anyone asks, you can just say you were feeling distracted/trying to concentrate.

        1. OMG, blow her nose or take some allergy medicine! I bet she’s never thought of that! Genius!

          Seriously, that’s why the “snotty.” Because OP sounds like an immature brat if she was actually considering #1 a response, and that she felt the need to post about this in general, and because people like you think you’re smarter than everyone else and no one else has possibly thought of this genius solution that would stop them from annoying you.

        2. Hi – I have allergies. Blowing your nose when you’ve got the drip happening does bubkiss. The drip does not go away and instead you are blowing your nose constantly or until raw and then you’re just stuffing a tissue your nose and leaving it there because it’s easier.

          And those wonderful allergy meds? May not work once symptoms present. Or make you really fuzzy. Or wired. Or super sleepy. Or require a prescription. Not as simple as one might think.

          And trust me, it’s way more annoying for the person dealing with it, than it is for your listening to it. You have the option of closing the door or putting in headphones or earplugs. The person suffering from the allergies does not.

        3. “instead of forcing the rest of the world to listen to the sounds of her inhaling her own snot”

          Wow. Yes, if only it were so easy. Apologies that my being sick is so disgusting to you.

Comments are closed.