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Sales of note for 8.30.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
- Boden – 20% off
- Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
- Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
- Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
- Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
- White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anon
I bought something similar to this at Ann Taylor Factory a few weeks ago. It’s really lovely, and it works for my second-trimester body and would also look great on someone with a flat stomach. (Sob.)
lsw
Ann Taylor Factory is my go-to place for tops right now!
HSAL
Same. I discovered it in January and their blouses are what I wear to work 80% of the time.
Good News Thread
It’s been a pretty good week for me work-wise, so I wanted to brag a little, but also hear about everyone else’s good news too! Please share something good that’s happened in your life lately!!
This week it was confirmed that a new attorney position was created for me in the law department starting 9/30 (I’ve been working as a manager in a JD-preferred adjacent position), which is going to open up a whole bunch of new opportunities for me. It came with a small raise, a 5% increase in bonus (from 10% to 15%), and an office (I live in cube land currently). I also received a spot bonus from a general manager I work with at one of our manufacturing facilities for work I did for him recently. I also confirmed that my team will be receiving the business-unit bonuses this year (vs. corporate), which are going to be MUCH better. I had been frustrated with some things at work, so this was a very refreshing week!
Anon
My employer 401(k) contributions finally kicked in (we have to have 3 years of continuous service before they match). It’s 10% so effectively I got a 10% raise. I’ve been contributing to retirement on my own, but it’s amazing to see how much faster the accounts are growing now that I have employer contributions too. I’m 35 and this is the first time I’ve ever had an employer match, fwiw.
Cb
I had an article published on a blog with quite a good reputation in my field. They turned down my last piece so it was nice to get the notification this am that it was published.
I also delivered my first lecture on my brand new course today and the students seemed engaged despite the 9am start. God bless American students though, everyone else came in avoiding eye contact and the American came up and introduced herself and shook my hand. I was feeling awkward and nervous and that helped.
NOLA
Good for you, Cb! I am finally getting over my anxiety over my new course. I had a really funny conversation with my students the other day. The class is at 3:30 pm, when many of them are slumping. It’s normally a slump time for me, too, but teaching at that changes that. I told them that my other option was 8 am and they were thanking me for choosing afternoon!
Anonymous
This might be dumb, but I got named to SuperLawyers for the first time. I know it’s just silly marketing but feels nice!
Anon
Not dumb, congrats!
anon
My good news is that I got approval to hire not just one position, but two. We’ve been chronically understaffed for what feels like forever, so I could just cry with happiness. Best news yet, both of my top candidates accepted.
Anon in Texas
I had a recruiter contact me on Linked-In. At first I wasn’t interested, but after I spoke with her about the position, I’m VERY interested. I met with her manager by phone about the position (it’s a Sr. Director position, so he wants to screen candidates too) and now I have an interview next week with 3 VPs. Eeek! My husband pointed out to me that the best part of all of this is that I’m happy with my current position, so I’m going to go into this interview very relaxed and confident. They approached me, so I think they need to impress me as much as I need to impress them. Fingers crossed…
Anon
I did a presentation for a large group that went well, which was good because I was short on time and minimally prepared.
I like this thread
I decided to lean in and teach religious school this year at our temple. We had our first class last weekend and the kids were so engaged, sweet, and participatory (these are 3 and 4 year olds). I left feeling so happy and peaceful.
I also had a big court argument a few weeks ago and the consensus in the office is that I kicked b*tt.
Anon
That’s awesome! We just started taking our 1.5 year old to parent-child “sunday school” at our local temple. I’m so appreciative of the volunteers who organize everything and teach the preschool kids. In our area, they’re all SAHMs so I’m extra in awe of you doing this as a working mom.
OP
That’s so kind of you to say, thank you. I attended this class for several years with my own kids (it’s a parent-child class like yours) and I also felt so appreciative of the volunteers who dedicated their time every week to do this. So I felt like I should pay it forward and do the same for these kids. So many parents came by after to tell me how much they also enjoyed the class, which made me feel so good!
Anon
I just did two back-to-back days of depositions in two cases and really feel like they went well. I can tell my depo skills are improving, and I’m getting a lot more confident at it.
OP
Congrats and great job everyone!! Thanks for sharing.
lilx
My hands run cold. Would anyone have recommendations for good winter gloves for walking, hiking and outdoors for 20-40 degrees.
lsw
I have Reynaud’s and I use zippo handwarmers. It really helps. For me, moisture is a real problem so I always use wicking fabrics if I can. I’ve also done silk glove liners in mittens.
anon
I got the Overland B-3 Sheepskin Mittens last winter and the are aaaaahhhhhhmazing. Nice and toasty. I’ve always worn gloves and they just don’t keep my hands warm like mittens do.
Anon
My probationary review is tomorrow at 3pm. The timing (Friday afternoon) kind of makes me panic. Am I getting fired?
anon
FWIW, my boss schedules all her non-weekly meetings on the last 2 hours of fri. It’s just the time slot she’s free and knows most other people are too.
Anonymous
Is there any reason other than the day/time that you think you might be getting fired? If not, that seems like a big jump.
Anon
No, I haven’t gotten any negative feedback so far, but my anxiety has taken over. I was very unexpectedly fired from my last job and I think it’s really affected my thinking patterns.
Cat
either that or they want to be able to go out for a celebratory drink after?
Unless you’ve gotten mediocre feedback, I wouldn’t worry about the timing at all!
Anon
Probably not; they likely do a review for everyone.
If it makes you feel better to have a plan for the worst, then plan for the worst. Discuss things like how this will be presented to future employers (if you put it on your resume or do one of those extensive background checks wherein you list out every employer you’ve worked for). Having it framed as a layoff or a contract position will be much better for you.
Then go home and either rally your friends for support, or curl up on the couch with a good movie, molten lava cake, and wine. (Okay, that’s my coping mechanism.)
Anon
Who knows, but I wouldn’t read too much into the timing.
Anonymous
I doubt it. They probably were booked up at other times and didn’t want to make you wait until Monday.
Never too many shoes...
We never fire people on Fridays. My husband works in employment law and they also suggest that Fridays are not the best day.
So you’re probably fine!
Anonymous
This. Worry about Thursday afternoons, not Fridays.
Anonymous
This is silliness! She probs doesn’t work in your office. We always fire people Friday afternoon.
Anonymous
You need better HR advice. Suicide risk is heightened with Friday firings. It’s a known risk factor and sensible HR advises against it. Friday is business day with better availability of mental health resources if needed.
anon
Why not Fridays? What is the best day to let someone go? Genuinely curious here.
Never too many shoes...
The theory is that if someone is despondent over losing their job that might be heightened over a weekend. If you let people go on Thursday, Friday is a business day so they could seek either medical advice or a legal opinion.
Anon
That’s interesting to me, especially that an employer would want to encourage fired employees to seek a legal opinion! I think most people are sad and angry but not violent or clinically depressed or anything and having a weekend to wallow is really helpful, especially if you have to show your face again at work on Monday (which I know you don’t always have to). I was let go once on a Friday and was so grateful for a weekend to cry and eat ice cream.
AFT
I’m in the EL field and have heard the opposite – leaving Friday creates less of a stir (more people out of the office and less weird for someone to leave midday) and disruption to the individual’s schedule since they’d be home over the weekend anyway, so there’s a built in “cooling off” period. I don’t think there’s a clear right/wrong answer on this.
Worry about yourself
The best time to let someone go is when you’ve decided you’re definitely going to terminate them and you’re ready to do so (done the paperwork, covered your bum with a PIP if needed, etc.). Especially if they’re unhappy, it’s not fair to keep them coming in and working full days when you’re just gonna fire them at the end of the week. Wait until Friday if you’re honestly worried about them getting violent, but if they seem like the type to handle it professionally, you can fire someone any time of day, any day of the week.
Anon
My employer called people into work on a snow day when the office was closed, and fired them then.
Worry about yourself
Okay, so maybe don’t do THAT! Wait until they’re actually in the office.
Elegant Giraffe
Not relevant to terminating an employee, but the advice I’ve always gone by is never give bad news (weak performance review, no I can’t give you a raise, here’s this enormous project with an unreasonable timeline and no resources) at the end of a day or week. Because you want to be able to monitor the employee’s reaction and manage it if needed after giving the bad news.
Worry about yourself
My company tends to fire people on Fridays, not exclusively but it does seem like the go-to day, but what I’ve noticed is people are often let go in the mornings, before lunch, rather than at the end of the day.
Equestrian Attorney
My recent review was on a Friday at 2pm and I got a significant raise, so don’t read too much into it.
Anonymous
Likewise, I was fired/laid off during a random 1:1 on a Tuesday afternoon. I had A+ performance reviews for the past 6 years, three promotions and had just gotten a raise. So… you never know. Don’t read into it unless you have reason to think otherwise.
AnonMom
I am soon to start a new job that comes with a 25% raise and also includes a big year end bonus (another 20% of my new salary). Having never had a job with a bonus structure like this, how do you all handle 401k contributions? I will finally be in a position where I can afford to make the maximum IRS contribution to my 401k, although taking it out of each paycheck would mean no real difference in my take home pay from what I have now (and my less responsible side wants to enjoy some of this raise now). Does it make sense to plan on some of my annual 401k contribution coming from the year end bonus?
Anonymous
Is retirement your only savings goal? I’d be inclined to pay your 401K out of your regular salary and then use your bonus for extras like a new car or a downpayment or a lump sum extra payment against student loans or a reno or whatever ‘extras’ you want to enjoy.
AnonMom
Building up a stronger emergency savings would be nice, which is why I am hesitant to take the entire contribution amount from my regular paycheck.
Anon
What time of year does your year end bonus arrive?
Anonymous
Nope. Contribute from your regular salary. A bonus isn’t guaranteed.
Anonymous
I haven’t personally been in that position, but I would treat the bonus as a true bonus and look forward to splurging on something with that. I’d take the 401k out of each paycheck. But I am risk averse and boring. Are there particular things you were counting on using the extra takehome for? Personally, I am content with my spending habits now and I think any extra money every paycheck would be wasted. If I didn’t already have a cleaning service or nice gym membership, that might change things. Will you be working more hours or have a longer commute? Other factors associated with the new job that will raise your COL?
Anon
You do you, but I would definitely contribute to the 401(k) monthly and use the year-end bonus for fun. You should have the same amount of money for savings an dfun either way, but I would feel more comfortable knowing that if my bonus is less than expected it wouldn’t hurt my 401(k).
Anonymous
Yes, this. My firm gives out our bonuses in early February, and we get an email about how to “turn off” our 401(k) contributions for this pay period should we chose to do so. If you want to use the bonus for fun, make sure you understand how far in advance you need to change your 401(k) contribution. I’ve had a few colleagues who forgot about this and then we’re like “well, the entire take home portion of my bonus went to my 401(k)”. Obviously, saving for retirement isn’t a bad thing, but if you had a plan for it that wasn’t saving, then it would just be disappointing.
CountC
I don’t rely on my bonus for my 401k because it varies from year to year. I max out with contributions throughout the year and then right before our bonus hits the first pay of December, I put my 401k to 0% contribution so I can use my bonus to pay off a chunk of student loans.
If your situation is that it would be better for you to use your bonus to max out for the year vs. not having the money in your paycheck, then it might be a viable solution for you. Will depend on when it hits and how reliable it is though. If it hits at the end of the year and you are short that year for whatever reason, you might not max out. If the bonus hits in January, you can plan out the rest of the year to ensure that you max it out. I wouldn’t want to rely on a year-end bonus if I want to max out my 401k.
NOTE: I am not any sort of financial wizard.
Equestrian Attorney
Agree with the posters above – I max out retirement on my regular pay and then use my bonus for fun and/or additional savings.
Anon.
Our bonus is paid in March, so I use a big chunk of that towards my 401K. I would probably feel differently if my bonus paid out in December. Technically, I suppose it would be best to pay in throughout the year to take advantage of dollar cost averaging (what if that one bonus chunk goes in when the market is really high = less bang for your buck).
AnonMom
This is what I am leaning towards doing for the first year. Putting in perhaps 3/4 of the allowable amount from regular paychecks (which is more than I am able to do now) then using my bonus for the rest. Even if the bonus is way smaller than anticipated and I would not pocket any of it after maxing out my 401k, I think I would rather have a little extra with each paycheck instead of one big windfall, at least at the start.
Anon
Does your company match 401(k) contributions? If so, most companies only match if you’re contributing within that paycheck. So you don’t want to frontload it or back load it if you have a company match, because you may be leaving money from that match on the table if you are not contributing each paycheck
AnonMom
It does match but it is up to a set percentage of annual salary, regardless of whether it is all at one time or spread over the year.
NA
My company doesn’t 401k match for bonuses. So wouldn’t rely on that
Beth
Recs for a therapist and/or psychiatrist in the DC area. DH would like to see someone for his anxiety.
Anon
Dr. Lawrence Sank in Bethesda. He specializes in CBT for anxiety. Doesn’t take insurance but is absolutely worth it. A good friend of mine went to him with severe, long-standing anxiety issues and working with him significantly improved her quality of life. I was also impressed that he “graduated” her after maybe a year or so, letting her know he thought she was ready to stop scheduling regular sessions, although he would always be available for her to come back if she was having difficulty. It’s been a few years now, she hasn’t needed to go back, and she still raves about how amazing of a therapist he is.
Beth
Thank you!
Telco Lady JD
Dr. Kim Smith in Bethesda. I’ve gone to her off and on for years. (Regularly for a year or two, and now every once in a while for a “tune up” during stressful or particularly anxiety-inducing periods of time.)
Anonymous
I’m traveling to Munich this December and I’m also in the market for a new winter coat. What would you recommend? I’m curious about the Patagonia 3 in 1. Does anyone have it and does it ever go on sale? Any other recommendations for Germany in December?
Man
I’ll be in Munich just before Christmas this year – we usually hit up a few Christmas markets (mostly outdoor, but there are some fun indoor ones as well) and do the Victualien market. There are markets everywhere, if you are looking for a specific flavour, I am sure you can find it somewhere, but the most generic one is probably the one outside the town hall. Eat all the German comfort food – like knusprige sweinhaxe, apfel kucherl, or enjoy their excellent seafood. The cakes usually look better than they are.
Anonymous
I live in Germany, wear a Patagonia Tres all winter and absolutely love it. On the coldest days I sometimes wish I had something longer, but the Tres suits my needs pretty nicely. Also tried the non-down version (Vosque I think?) and didn’t find it to be nearly as warm or flattering as the Tres.
Anonymous
I have the tres in one and i LOVE it. I have had it for 3-4 winters and it still looks great. It’s extremely warm and cute! It’s been a game-changer for me (i used to be someone who would go out without a coat on so it wouldn’t impact my outfit). Definitely get it.
NA
Depending on where you live, I would say that Munich isn’t that cold in December. It’s more like DC that time of the year, rather than say NYC or Boston. It can be rainy though, so I’d be prepared with good boots.
Definitely visit the Residenz which has its own Christmas market.
Anonymous
Footwear with tread. Those cobblestones can be very slippery and cute shoes may land you on your behind. Doesn’t have to be huge hiking boots, just something with a sturdy sole that has tread in it.
There is an awesome outdoor clothing company in Germany called Jack Wolfskin. They make great jackets, although expensive and outdoorsy (definitely weekend wear). Nice accessories too.
Source: lived in Germany 9 years.
Pronouns
A person I know is giving advice to people to put their preferred pronouns on their e-mail signatures. I’ve seen this on twitter, and I think it’s OK for that. But I am not sure that this is OK or even helpful in a workplace generally. FWIW, I have a female-only name (e.g., Rose, Violet, Hyacinth, Daisy) and use female pronouns, so I think that people’s default to her-she isn’t really something that people are in doubt over (so: eyebrow-raising and of no actual utility). I can see it if you have an ambiguous name (Chris, Taylor, Lee; perhaps something from another language where the gender is not obvious to people in the U.S.) or non-default pronouns, in which case it is of actual utility and helpful (I’ve had to call people’s voicemail after hours to get a hint of gender before picking which title to use on letters: Dear Mr. Sunshine Lee was a surprising one; my guess would have been Ms. Sunshine Lee; pronouns are an assumption and I get that it’s now not always obvious).
Anon
You just answered your own question – it can be helpful in a workplace because you don’t want to assume someone’s gender identity and it’s not always obvious.
emeralds
Agreed. For me it’s more about normalizing the practice and flagging to my LGBTQ+ students and colleagues that I can clear a 101-level awareness bar, than because I’m worried about being misgendered myself.
Anon
You’re right – it’s predominantly an “I’m woke” flag.
Anon
I don’t know that it’s an “I’m woke” flag so much as it is an “I’m tolerant” flag. To people who need to state their pronouns, seeing others use them can mean a lot, just like seeing women or POC in leadership positions can be inspiring to entry-level women/POC.
Anon
Sure, but if you REALLY want to be woke, you’d read up on how pressure to participate in pronoun sharing can actually increase anxiety for people who aren’t ready to out themselves in the workplace. You can never really satisfy everyone so you should just do what you personally want to do.
journo
Exactly. It’s a social push. People don’t do it because they think they’ll be misgendered, it’s to show they are on the progressive team and want everyone else to be too.
Anonymous
This just seems like obvious pot stirring.
Anonymous
I think that the pot was stirred — periodically it is all over local news and social media. Not sure if it’s trying to make Fetch happen, but close.
Anonymous
Shrug. People can do it or not do it. Not sure why you’re bothered. Include yours if you want to, don’t if you don’t.
Anon
This. Complaining about it is what is pot stirring.
Anon for this
I have an ethnic Asian name and I just put “Ms. Firstname Lastname” in my signature and it works 99% of the time, although people often confuse my first and last names…
Of course, I have the privilege of being and presenting as a cisgender female so using “Ms.” in writing works for me. I am curious if any nonbinary people have a preference for formal business address – “Mx.”? other options?
Anon
I don’t think Mx. is really a thing amongst people that aren’t in that gender fluid community. Honestly I’d think someone was referring to Mexico. I think it’s more common to just write Dear FIRST NAME LAST NAME if you’re really concerned about misgendering, especially as work places get more casual. I have never worked somewhere where anyone went by Ms. or Mr., everything is on a first name basis, even with business colleagues you don’t work closely with.
Anon
Being female isn’t a “privilege.”
Anon
Being and presenting as the sex you were assigned at birth is indeed a privilege.
Anon
Nope, nope, nope. Not a privilege to be born into the class of humans that has been oppressed and abused for millennia, nor will adhering more closely to feminine stereotypes protect females from r*pe, abuse, the pay gap, loss of reproductive rights, etc. etc. It doesn’t matter how I “present” when it comes to those very real, very concrete challenges that affect women all over the entire world.
Anon
I never said any of that. Males have more privilege than females. Cisgender people have more privilege than non-cisgender people. You can benefit from cis privilege as a woman and still not be as privileged as a cisgender man. This is basic logic, and neither I nor Anon at 10:20 said benefiting from cisgender privilege negates all the challenges of being female.
Anon
I disagree that females who are not trans have more “privilege” than male-bodied trans people. That is where we differ.
Anon
FYI, the “assigned at birth” language is scientifically inaccurate. Except for a handful of inters3x people, your sex is determined by your chromosomes, which is determined at conception. I get that “assigned at birth” makes it seem like a big societal thing, but it’s scientifically inaccurate and needs to stop.
Anon
It’s not just about whether your birth name is obviously female, people do this because not everyone’s gender is equivalent to the sex they were born with, and it’s a way of communicating your gender identity. You may be a “Rose” who identifies as “they” or “him.”
Also, fwiw, I have a feminine name that is never given to a man with this spelling but has a similar male form (think Julianne/Julian) and I still get addressed as “Sir” or “Mr.” in email all the time. I’ve received multiple emails addressed to “Julian” even though my email address is something like julianne.smith. I think you’re really overestimating people’s ability to guess correctly.
Anonymous
My BigLaw firm is inviting and encouraging everyone to include pronouns in their email signature. If everyone has them, they’re unremarkable and a courtesy, not a way to mark someone as the other.
Anonymous
Maybe I should have gone to medical school. Then I would just be Dr. Lastname and it would be simple.
Don’t a lot of communist countries just address everyone as Comrade?
Anon
LOL what
Anon
Exactly. If it’s normal for everyone to list them, it’s unremarkable when one particular individual does.
Anonymous
Where do you list them? And how?
Jane Helpful (or Ms. Jane Helpful???)
Helpful LLC
200 Main Street
Somewhere, TW 99999
989-787-6776
she-her-etc. –> like this?
Anon
Jane Helpful
Helpful LLC
200 Main Street
Somewhere, TW 99999
989-787-6776
She/Her/Hers
is what I’ve seen the most
Anon
I would do:
Jane Helpful (she/her)
Rest of signature
Anon
I can’t see how it wouldn’t be awkward in a signature line. I’m not gonna lie, I am progressive about most things, but seeing pronouns in the signature line of say a lawyer or consultant that doesn’t specialize in work with that community, I’m going to assume certain things about them, namely being: this person is going to be extra annoying and holier than though. I’m going to treat it the same was as someone that lists a thousand certifications behind their name or someone that ends messages with “proudly vegan” or “mama to three cubs” or something equally obnoxious.
Nonbinary people are people first, not gender first, which means fitting into the norms of their workplaces as professionals (to the extent not discriminatory obviously). In most workplaces, it’s a simple heads up email to the sender if they get the pronoun wrong. I have a traditionally male name that only became a female name in the last few decades and I always default to a heads up email of “hey, I’m actually a she”.
Ginjury
My company has taken a similar initiative and we do:
Jane Helpful
Job Title
Pronouns: she, her, hers
Helpful LLC
200 Main Street
Somewhere, TW 99999
989-787-6776
Anonymous
To Anon at 1145 — total agreement.
Spent 20 years in the military where I was just “Colonel So-and-So”, and the default was, and still is now, to assume the Colonel is male. But when someone asked “is he doing whatever”, easy for the listener to say “well, SHE is doing blah blah”. It just wasn’t a big deal. For over 20 years I’ve been asked for my sponsor (military person’s, almost always means husband) ID number for healthcare. In the beginning, I’d get cranky and say “I AM the sponsor” but now, I just say “I’m the sponsor” and move on.
I never felt the need to make my signature block “SUSIE R. SMITH, Colonel, USAF (female)”. I figured anyone that met me or spoke to me on the phone would figure it out, if they needed to. And in the end, it was about the job I was doing or the position I was filling, not about the gender I happened to be. They say the military is the great equalizer though, and although I felt my share of backhand discrimination, etc, overall, a Private is a Private is a Private and a Colonel is a Colonel is a Colonel regardless of color, religion, gender. Took us a while to get there, but there it is.
CountC
A friend of mine transitioned recently and her BIgLaw firm was extremely supportive. I was very pleasantly surprised!!
anon
I believe this is the rationale for everyone to declare pronouns – it normalizes the declaration and therefore diminishes bias against those who want/need it more than a female-identifying Rose. It is definitely becoming a totally normal thing in my workplace, which to be fair is a progressive field in a blue bubble. As has been mentioned before, and I wasn’t aware of this at first, this is not merely a tool for transgender or non-binary people, but super helpful for the many of us that have unusual or foreign names, or close enough to be misread as a male name (this happens to me all the time).
Anonymous
I think it’s becoming so popular because it helps not just LGBTQ+ individuals but also people with non-English American names who are probably also tired of being misgendered.
Anon
If I were a client, the first thing that I would do is check to see whether your partners were diverse. If they’re not, but everybody was giving their preferred pronouns in an email, I would fire the firm. Seriously. I hate when firms wave the tolerance flag but can’t seem to promote diverse people to partner.
Anon
Oh man I feel like this describes basically every big firm. Happy to talk the talk but when it comes to walking the walk they completely fail
Anon
That’s why I select diverse counsel…who are usually at the midsize firms. (And I *always* ask who is getting the origination.) That’s how you effect change.
January
I think this might depend on your field and where in the country you live. Requesting pronouns (when your gender can be correctly presumed from your first name) would be outside the norm in my area and would probably raise some eyebrows, especially among older or more conservative lawyers in my field.
Come to think of it, I know a few women with traditionally male names (e.g., James) who do not list preferred pronouns in their emails (sometimes they will include their middle name in their signature if the middle name makes it clearer, e.g., James Elizabeth).
Anonymous
My kids really didn’t get that Ashley Wilkes was Mr. Ashley Wilkes.
Anon
My daughter thought the “transistor” in a Steely Dan lyric was “trans sister.”
She has no idea what a transistor radio is.
Anon
That made me laugh out loud.
ohia
You’ve gone so far as to call a voicemail after-hours to ensure that you address someone properly, but you don’t see how including this information in an email signature would be helpful?
No one is forcing you to include your pronouns in your signature if you don’t want to. But it’s not inappropriate (or “eyebrow-raising”–unless you think trans, non-binary, non gender-conforming, or foreignly-named people are eyebrow-raising, in which case, go away troll).
Worry about yourself
I don’t include my pronouns because I have a woman’s name and my presentation is unmistakably feminine. If someone asked me to include mine in an email signature or on a name tag, because they’d like to normalize it across the company or at an event, I’d do it. Seems silly to refuse on principle.
Anon
Don’t do this. This is for teenagers, LGBTQ nonprofits, and social media. For adults that work in mainstream jobs, you make the best assumption based on the name and the respondee politely emails you back with “actually it’s he” or some variations, you change the pronoun you use to their preference going forward, and everyone goes about their day peacefully.
Anon
I have an unusual name, and this is exactly how it is handled. It is no big deal.
Anon
I personally will not put pronouns in my email signature for a variety of reason, but I have no issue with people doing it themselves or workplaces encouraging it. I would only have an issue with a workplace mandating it.
Nope
This. I’m pretty liberal about most things but I don’t want anyone at work especially telling me I need to do this. Fine for others to do this. I also can’t see this happening in my agency anytime soon (fed here).
Anon
I went to a corporate LGBTQ+ and Allies event, and we all put stickers on our name tags listing our preferred pronouns. That felt appropriate given the setting.
I would be very surprised to see it in a corporate email and would feel uncomfortable if I were asked to add it to my sig line. I would also feel it was inappropriate to list my sexual orientation in my sig line, and I feel it’s kind of the same thing.
However, if someone uses they-them pronouns and wants to put that in their first email to me, I would welcome that and would have no problem using their preferred pronouns. That said, I might breeze over it in a sig line unless highlighted in some way.
Maybe I’m an old fogey, but I’m definitely not there yet.
ohia
Your sexual orientation is definitely not the same kind of information as your preferred pronouns. Your colleagues don’t need to know who you are attracted to; they do need to know how to address you correctly.
Anon
That is incorrect. When your colleagues are addressing you, they’ll use your name.
azcpa
That’s also incorrect. I use she/her/hers and its awkward to be referred to in an email chain incorrectly (i.e. Copied AZCPA here, let’s wait for his answer before proceeding.)
Anon
Yep. I also have lots of instances where I need to address someone as Mr/Ms and it’s helpful to know which to use (the people in question are not MDs/PhDs and it’s inappropriate to use first names the first time I email).
Anon
I’ve worked with cis people named Chris and Lee and Taylor and so on for my entire career, and it’s just never been a problem to figure it out by context or waiting to meet the person, or just not assuming a gender at all.
I mean, if I’m just emailing Chris to request an accounting adjustment, it doesn’t really matter whether Chris is a he or a she or a they – I just want the accounting adjustment booked.
I really think the only complicated thing is the they pronouns, so if someone wants to put that in their sig line, go for it.
Anon.
I didn’t know this was a thing but would LOVE if it became more common. I have a unique name, that is actually a female name only (if you google it), but because it is so rare most people have never heard it before and default to assuming its male. So every single day I get misgendered in correspondence, or I answer the phone and people think I’m a secretary for Mr. Anon. It honestly drives me insane.
Anon
I google names when I’m not certain. Either Babyname will tell me that, e.g., it’s a girls’ name, or I can find the person’s LinkedIn profile. The thirty seconds is worth sparing someone else frustration.
Anon
I’m struggling enough to find footing as a young female in a male-dominated industry, this would certainly only segregate me further. Good for you, not for me.
anon
I have a colleague with a traditionally-feminine name who uses they/them pronouns, and I appreciate that they put pronouns in their email signature. It gave me the heads up as to how to address and refer to them when I wouldn’t have known otherwise.
State Employee Retirement
I am a state employee and have an informational meeting about retirement scheduled soon. Our system is an old fashioned pension plan that is well managed. I am probably about 8-10 years out from retirement. Questions I know I want to ask are about the availability of health insurance after retirement and how other employment after retirement would affect benefits. What else should I be asking?
Anonymous
Payouts for accumulated vacation and sick leave, how your benefits are calculated, survivorship rights for your spouse.
Anonymous
You want to ask whether any retiree health insurance requires you to enroll in Medicare (many retiree insurances will only pay secondary to Medicare). My state gives retirees the wrong information all. the. time., and retirees end up with gaps in coverage and late enrollment penalties.
anon a mouse
Two big things you want to know — what effect does delaying for 1, 2, 3, even 5 years have on your amount? Also if you have a spouse, if you have the option to reduce your payments but preserve them if your spouse outlives you.
Soia and Kyo coats
Does anyone have anything from them. Can you comment on fit, especially for items that come SML? I’m a pear, so I think I’m S on top and M on the bottom, but over bulky winter clothes, wool coats that are fitted can get too snug (I have a driving commute and our parking deck is like driving a slalom, so I have to move my arms even if I look like the Michelin man).
Lusting after: https://www.soiakyo.com/us/en/adelaida-slim-fit-maxi-length-classic-wool-coat/ADELAIDA.html?dwvar_ADELAIDA_color=COL120&cgid=women-wool-coats#start=22&cgid=women-wool-coats
lsw
Someone just posted in the last few days that they were super happy with it. Might have been Monday’s post?
Anon
https://www.soiakyo.com/us/en/size-guide.html
Size chart with a description of their fits.
anon
I have a coat from them that I got over 5 yrs ago. I’m petite so even their smallest is cut skinny/fitted but overly long. I had to get sleeves and hems shortened. Whether it’s fitted or loose also depends on style. Mine was definitely designed to be form fitting. I’m most happy about the wool fabric. It is sooo soft and lux to the touch that even my alteration lady commented on how nice it feels.
anne-on
I just bought the Camelia (love it btw) and got it in a small. I’m a 2-4 normally in the US, size 10 UK, and pretty straight up and down. It was a bit snug in the arms, but the salesladies indicated that the coats are meant to fit close to the body to ensure wind doesn’t blow up/into the coat. If you want it roomier I’d definitely go for a medium. I could have worn an XS but it felt VERY snug.
I found the sizing pretty close to Mackage if you have their coats – Bloomingdales and Saks carry them, I went there to try on for size.
Anon
I have broad shoulders, and most of their puffer coats look great on people with narrow shoulders. So as much as I love the designs, none of their coats look good on me.
Anon
Thoughts on Justin Trudeau?
Anonymous
He was a racist idiot to dress up like that. It’s super hurtful to people. But his actions as PM on indigenous reconciliation and appointing a cabinet with numerous POC ministers and his actions on immigration, esp re Syria, demonstrate solid leadership.
I’ll take someone who has a racist history but whose recent actions counter that history over Scheer and the Conservatives anyday. Repression of science last time the Conservatives were in office was scary. Fingers crossed for a Liberal minority govt.
Anon
Extremely unfortunate but I’ll still vote for him over Scheer.
Worry about yourself
I was pretty disappointed to hear about it, but two things: First, it was nearly 20 years ago, blackface has never been okay but we weren’t talking about it back then the way we are now. Second: he gave what seemed to me a genuine apology. He didn’t try to excuse his actions, or act like people were getting all offended over nothing, and that doesn’t erase what he did or make it okay, but it does make me inclined to say he’s not that guy anymore and he’s learned from it, and we probably don’t need to keep punishing him forever.
Anonymous
This. He didn’t minimize or excuse. He just said he was sorry and it was wrong then and now.
anon
Aren’t we talking about 2001? I think we all knew VERY well in 2001 that this wasn’t okay and I feel like that was widely known and publicly discussed. I was a college student then, and you would 100% have been subject to college disciplinary action for this. At my high school, it would have been grounds for suspension if not expulsion. This is in a fairly conservative part of the US, btw.
Bette
I am a white American lady – so take this with a grain of salt.
But I really appreciated the snippet of his apology I heard on the news this morning. He basically said that it is racist to wear brown face and he’s sorry. It was refreshing to hear him admit that it was racist action on his part and call it out as such rather than equivocating.
That said, the incident was in 2001 and he was 29!! How did he not understand that was racist. It really makes me question his value and judgement.
Worry about yourself
Oof, that’s fair, I missed how old he was at the time. I definitely knew brownface was wrong when I was 29, but I was 29 last year, and it’s been a big topic of discussion in my hobby community lately.
Anon
+1 as a brown American lady. If I were Canadian, I would vote for him over Ford, and I appreciate him giving a sincere and non-minimizing apology, but I was 14 in 2003 and my classmates at a small Catholic school new blackface was racist so I cannot believe he did not realize what he was doing was at least dicey.
Anon
Ford is the premier of Ontario, he is not going to be Prime Minister.
Never too many shoes...
In fairness, I think being 29 in 2001 and being 29 in 2019 come with differing levels of understanding on this topic.
anon
I was 21 in 2001 and knew this was completely not okay. I knew this was completely not okay when I was 14.
Never too many shoes...
Really? Because well I would have said that minstrel-style blackface was always not ok, painting your skin to match a costume was certainly less of a thing, as were costumes along the lines of geisha, Pocahontas etc. The term cultural appropriation was not part of zeitgeist like it is today.
Anon
I grew up in the Midwestern US and it was very common in the early 2000s for people to darken their skin for Halloween costumes. I know lots of people who came from very liberal, tolerant families who did this, it was definitely not just a conservative redneck thing. To me, it’s totally different than wearing blackface and posing next to a KKK hood. I’m glad we have more understanding of cultural appropriation now and I agree this definitely isn’t ok, but I don’t think the awareness that it wasn’t ok was at all universal in 2001.
anon
I’m from the south and as early as kindergarten remember having a classroom teacher tell us that this wasn’t okay (as part of a conversation about Halloween costumes for school), and it wasn’t limited to blackface (she mentioned Native Americans in particular). This was 1986. You would 100% have been suspended (maybe expelled) from my high school for this (although it was more liberal) in the 1990s, and in 2002 my college did suspend a bunch of frat guys for a semester for offensive “Arab” costumes involving brownface. All in the south.
And I don’t think cultural appropriation is the term for what this is.
anon
And, I mean, I’m not Canadian, but based on the description of his opponent, I’d probably still vote for him – but I was truly shocked that he did this in 2001.
Anon
This is an honest question – is brownface as racist in places that aren’t the US? I realize that painting yourself a different color to be a “character” is always culturally insensitive, but I thought that part of why blackface was so racist is that in the US we have a history of minstrel shows, which involved white people painting their faces black to make fun of African-Americans. I guess I sort of assumed that it isn’t quite so…loaded? of an action for people who didn’t grow up in the US, with our terrible history of slavery, segregation and minstrel shows. Am I wrong about that?
Anon
Yeah but they’re talking about Canada who at base has similar population demographics and is a huge consumer of American media. It’s not a “maybe they didn’t know” situation in this case at all.
Anon
I think that’s a fair question. I have a few friends from a specific European country that is the opposite of diverse and didn’t understand that the “n” word was a slur until we were at a dinner and one of them quoted a song lyric with the word. someone explained the history/cultural background and they were genuinely surprised to hear it wasn’t just a term used in rap songs and were appropriately horrified/embarrassed and stopped using the word. That said, I think Canada is so close to America geographically and culturally that I have a hard time buying that a Canadian was just ignorant about this.
Traveler
When I was a Canadian living in Canada, I thought Canada was close to the US culturally and demographically.
Now that I am a Canadian living in the US, I realize just how different it is. Race in Canada is nothing compared to Race in the US.
One of my first experiences in the US was starting to fill out a form at the social security office on my husband’s behalf. Despite being with him 17 years at that point, I had never once stopped to ask him what race he thought he was. (His parents are Canadian, but grandparents are from overseas)
Never too many shoes...
I will accept his apology and move on – we were all idiots when we were younger. I would hate for my grade school Hallowe’en costumes to hit the internet and totally torpedo my adult life.
As PM, he has walked the walk as far as I am concerned and that matters far more to me. Sheer is a pro-life Catholic who does not believe in equal marriage and will not whip his bench on moral issues and that, to me, is a dealbreaker. The abortion issue is creeping into the political narrative here, largely emboldened by what has been happening in the US, and I am not ok with it.
Traveler
I’m Canadian and close in age to Justin Trudeau.
Call it sheltered or privilege if you will, but its only within the last 5-10 years that I’ve learned that this kind of behavior is unwelcome, and really only within the last 3 years (when I moved to the US) when it really resonated how NOT OK it is.
Not making excuses, but I can completely see how he could have made a choice like that in 2001 without realizing the implications.
Chl
Has anyone ever left a job with a pension and what did you do with it (roll lump sum over vs. leaving it in the plan?)
Anon
Are you sure you get to do anything with the funds? I can’t say as I’ve ever heard (in the U.S.) of a pension plan where you get to take the funds with you if you don’t serve the 20/30/whatever years required.
If you mean a defined contribution 401(k) type arrangement, your best option is often to leave it in the plan where it can continue to grow and benefit from bulk management and reduced fees. Rolling it into an IRA costs you more in fees long-term than having it in a plan, but many employers won’t let you keep your old account active in their plan, so an IRA is often the next best choice.
Anonymous
Some pension plans allow lump sums if the accumulated actuarial benefit is under a certain threshhold- say $100,000. It’s a way for them to de-risk the plan and streamline administration.
CHL
Thanks all! Apparently there is a window every year where I can elect to take a lump sum. If I go back to my company within 5 years, it would be advantageous not to move it, so I’m going to wait at least another year before doing anything. The hive knows so much!
Anon
What are the chances that you’ll work there again? When I left the federal government, I left my pension contributions in the plan. It will be a small amount as a pension, but I expect I’ll re-join the government at some point and didn’t want to lose those years of credit.
Tumi?
After another day of major shoulder pain I think I need to switch from my shoulder bag to a backpack. I’m looking at the Tumi Carson or Ursula. Anyone have either and can you comment on organization and durability? I need it to look sleek enough to carry into a meeting (while recognizing it will never be a briefcase). I’d rather do a backpack than a rolling briefcase.
Calais
I’ve had the Calais for a few years now and have really liked it. Mine pretty much just stays in my office so I don’t worry too much about how professional it looks. If you’re going to be taking it to meetings, I’d probably go with the Ursula because it can pass as a purse better than the Carson. That’s really a know-your-office/clients thing though. As far as organization, it’s great. It has enough pockets that I can keep track of pens, keys, etc. Mine has been very durable. It definitely doesn’t look new anymore, but I think that’s more because I haven’t cleaned it in a while and use it daily and otherwise, it shows no signs of wear. It was expensive for me, but ultimately worth it since sleek work backpacks weren’t so much a thing when I bought mine.
Anonymous
Not OP, but I just looked up the Ursula and it is gorgeous! And also, 20% off on Nordstrom right now … I’m feeling so tempted!
Anon
Not completely what you asked, but I have been on this hunt recently and have two recommendations different from above:
– Caraa studio 2 medium – I ended up keeping this one. It’s the smallest possible packpack that fits my 13.3 laptop, gym gear, and the usual smaller items. It converts to a crossbody if you need to have it look more like a purse. The website makes the bag look really structured but it’s a bit slouchy when not full (which I prefer but YMMV). It weighs about 2 lbs.
– Poppy Barley “The Backpack” – this one was really amazing but just a touch too big for little me. It can totally pass as a briefcase and just all in all a very high quality product. It weighs about 3 lbs, so a Tumi will always be lighter.
Florida Flower
I have the Voyager and take it everywhere. I had a spine fusion in November and it’s been an essential way to carry my essentials for work/personal life. It’s lightweight, washes well, looks professional (in-house counsel) and keeps me really well organized. Highly recommended.
anon for this
Looking for some resources on changing mindset around “gardening.” I grew up in an extremely conservative religious environment with really unhealthy attitudes to gardening. I’ve moved on from many of the other negative aspects of my upbringing, and feel like I have a pretty healthy relationship with gardening, but for some reason lately I’m really struggling with issues of embarrassment or shame in even thinking about it or talking about it or acknowledging that me (or my husband) have gardening needs. I’ve been in my current relationship for ten years so I’m sure some of that is at play.
TLDR, trying to help myself become more comfortable and have a healthier mindset around gardening; I am not happy with where I am right now. Any resources or recommendations (books, online resources, whatever) very welcome.
Anonymous
Do you read romance novels? Given your background, that might be a good place to start – to think of gardening and an important phyiscal expression of love. Or maybe poetry about romantic love? When you read about romantic love, remember that it includes physical expressions of that love via gardening. A lot of people may suggest self-gardening with tools but if that feels too overwhelming for you, you could try a pillow which is how many teenage girls start exploring gardening sensations.
Anon
Honestly, you probably need a gardening positive therapist to work through the issues. I don’t think a book will really do anything for a deeply ingrained viewpoint on gardening. Even a few sessions may help you get to the core of it and continue the work on your own.
pugsnbourbon
+1 to this and also to the rec for Come As You Are below.
This is tough to work through but you absolutely deserve to have a great sex life free of shame and embarrassment. We all do.
Anon
To Love, Honor, and Vacuum. Sheila is amazing.
Anon
A bit more detail: she’s coming at this from the perspective of a married Christian, but she believes that a woman’s pleasure is a necessary and important part of a marriage. She has no problem going toe-to-toe with people who think that, e.g., “do not deprive” only means that women should “provide” gardening for their husbands. She also talks a lot about how the purity culture can make the transition to marriage hard.
I appreciate the wide variety of perspectives available, but think that the “gardening positive” types can be intimidating and off-putting to people from a different background or mindset.
Ellen
I would tell her that she should be fine. She is already married, so any kind of reluctance to be “as one” with your spouse vis a vis “gardening” can simply be erased from her memory b/c he is her husband and she is his wife, and they are “as one” b/c of the marital relationship. Put another way, “you can do anything and everything in the marital bed without sin or shame” provided that both parties are consenting.
That also means f you do NOT want to do something in the garden, just say so. Even married people do not do everything just b/c they are married. Grandma Leyeh and Grandma Trudy are both widows, and Grandma Trudy never let her husband do stuff with her tuchus when he was alive, and even tho he wanted her to, the fact they were married simply did NOT give him licence to do so, and he stopped trying after she put her foot down. That is what a martial partnership is all about. It takes also 2, as Grandma Leyeh says, and one size does not fit all b/c Grandma Trudy told me and mom she had no problem doing that stuff with her husband when he was alive.
anon
I’ve heard really good things about the book Come As You Are
Anon
On r e d d i t, r/Above_Purity and the ex-religious subreddits have a lot of good discussions and resources for this issue (r/exchristian, r/excatholic, r/exmuslim, r/exjw, etc.). There are also a bunch of great survivor blogs that talk about this issue-my favorites are Samantha Field and Love, Joy, Feminism
OP
Thank you all! This is really helpful to just have some places to start. I have been in therapy for a little over three years because I had prenatal depression, but I am just now getting comfortable talking to my therapist about it. I do have Come As You Are but it has honestly been very tough for me to read. This is embarrassing! But I also don’t want to live my life this way (or, pass these attitudes on to my kids).
anon
Wondering whether you would hurry to buy in my situation:
~Our rental house has serious issues–borderline substandard–with black mold, chronically leaky roof, bad wiring, septic venting into the bedroom. I’m 33yo and delaying kids because I could not responsibly bring a baby home to this house.
~We’ve looked for better rentals for years without luck, and finally saved up a down payment this spring. During the summer r.e. season, only a few places opened up that meet our ideal criteria–we regret passing on the 1st house we toured, were out bid on another, and the 3rd had inspection issues. Default option is to wait and see what comes up next summer.
~There are houses we could definitely afford but definitely wouldn’t be happy in. Noise from interstates (directly adjacent), restrictive covenants that we would hate. Would almost certainly suffer through for a few years, and then resell in the hopes of finding something better.
~There might be a few houses we could afford at a stretch, and would like. Historical houses in the best school district. But they are way more house than we need, and overpriced even for that.
My job is fairly stable; DH’s job is incredible stable and brings in most of our HHI. WWYD?
Anonymous
Why are you waiting until next summer? Early fall often still has good availability and people may be open to offers if they are trying to sell before the winter.
Move – whether you have to rent a new place or buy, I can’t imagine spending the winter in a place with septic venting issues in the bedroom!
Anonymous
Where do you live that this is the case? If you are looking at houses, you can afford a house, so I’m not thinking a HCOL area. Can you not afford to build if nothing suits you? I know plenty of people who build in my city who are of modest/typical means (teacher + secretary, civil servants).
anon
It’s not a HCOL area, just a place with a profound housing crisis. It’s absurd what’s being charged for the most dismal places.
Anonymous
Where is it? I’m sure someone here lives there and can help.
OP
Unlikely. When I’ve posted here before, no one had even heard of the place ;).
Anonymous
You can’t just “build” everywhere.
Anonymous
You can in rural Idaho where she apparently lives!
Anon
Ha. So true. I’m in suburban Boston and they’re buying 1950s single story ranches for 400,000 and scraping them for new McMansoins. Building =/= more affordable.
Anon
That’s because there’s almost no buildable land to be had in suburban Boston, unless it’s a 40B project.
Anon
First, I’d stay in a residence hotel before continuing to live in a mold ridden house that is too dangerous to bring a child into. Your #1 priority needs to be getting out of there.
Second, I’d buy a house, but I’d hold out for something you really like.
Third, someone is going to tell you to wait for the recession, but recessions are generally not 0/1 events where you know you’re at the bottom of a recession for sure. If you intend to stay put for a number of years, I wouldn’t worry too much about the perfect timing and instead would keep looking for the perfect house.
Anonymous
I’m sorry but where on earth are you living that you can’t find a single rental without black mold?!? You sound excessively particular and indecisive. I’d have moved out into a long term hotel to hunt years ago. Literally anywhere would be better.
Anon
I I’m the SEUS, and you would not believe how many rentals I have rejected just because of mold. I’m officially happy with my current rental because there’s only mildew in the AC unit and not in a bunch of other places. (Still have to take allergy meds every day.) To be fair, it’s moldy outside too.
Anonymous
Immediate thoughts:
– WTF are you doing still living in a house with a leaky roof and black mold? If it’s really black mold, that is deleterious to your health and your husband’s health, short-term and long-term. You need to get out of there. Delaying children at 33 because your home is not safe to live in is mind-boggling to me. Just move! Get an apartment if you have to.
– No house is perfect and if you really can’t find anything you can live with after really looking, ask yourself if your standards are too high. There seems to be some dysfunctional perfectionism going on here – you’d seriously rather live in a house that is hurting your health than compromise and get into something not perfect but healthier? We all have “ideal criteria” for our homes but many of us are living in houses that don’t meet “ideal criteria” and are happy (I’m one of them). You can look forever for the “perfect house” and never find it.
– I don’t know about being in a “rush to buy” but I would be in a hurry to move! Ask yourself: is this about the house you want to move to or is this about some kind of deep-seated fear of change, from either your husband or yourself? If it’s the latter, therapy can help and may be necessary so that the two of you can move forward out of the place you’re stuck in (which you need to do).
Anon
Um…your no. 1 issue is getting out of a house that is or will make you sick. The following may sound harsh but you seem to need tough love.
Not being able to find a “better” rental is a cop out. I don’t care what market you’re in, if you can save up enough for a down payment on a home, you can find a rental that is inhabitable – even if you had to stay in a place that is a lot smaller or farther out. I don’t understand how you let if get to this point. You’re literally living in slumlord housing. Get out. Then once you aren’t woozy from sewage off gassing and mold spores, focus on finding a permanent home.
OP
Nope, around here, this is a good rental. Bad rentals have similar issues plus no heat and regular gun violence. Trust me on the facts I’ve presented.
But I do interpret your comment (and many of the others) as a vote in favor of needing to move soon and invest in our housing situation for more than financial reasons.
Anonymous
No one believes you. Just post where you live. If there’s literally no way to have a safe and healthy home then move.
Anon
Houses go on the market all the time, you don’t need to wait until next summer.
OP
The new listings here have dropped to virtually none since September 1 (I think literally 2 plus a few bank auctions) and they are in bad crime locations. Also, talking to our RE agent and many local friends who have bought, it’s april-september here. So basically, what’s listed now are the options.
Anonymous
No one believes you. And you won’t reveal your mystery location.
Anonymous
Sounds like a troll.
Anon
Stop with the no one believes you. It’s obnoxious and unnecessary and untrue – I believe OP and it appears a lot of us do.
Find a new hobby.
Anonymous
I don’t believe the OP. This doesn’t make sense. If there isn’t any available housing in her neighborhood, then move someplace further out.
Anon
Someone suggested that she lives in Idaho. It’s entirely possible that there just is not a lot in her immediate area.
Anonymous
We found our house after sending letters to the houses in the neighbourhoods we were interested in. Sent 30 letters, 3 responded, we looked at 2 and bought one. Our house has literally never been on the market because they bought the land, built it, lived in it for two generations and then sold it to us. This was in a market where this isn’t really ‘done’.
Anonymous
I can’t believe you are choosing black mold and septic fumes over freeway noise and restrictrive covenants.
OP
Well, the issue is always a little bit longer here vs buying and being stuck in a sluggish market there…that’s what I was hoping for advice on. Not blanket judgements on my current housing.
Anonymous
Sounds like there’s possibly some financial risk if you buy but there may well be health risks if you stay. Health issues get expensively pretty quickly. I’d move.
Anonymous
You’ve already been there dramatically too long and urgently need to move. That’s our unanimous advice.
MagicUnicorn
You would rather stay in a rental that should be condemned rather than deal with interstate noise?
Anonymous
Unless you are in a seriously rural area you may be being overly restrictive in your search. It would be better to have a longer commute or live in a suburb/surrounding community you don’t love than keep living in the house you’re living in.
OP
Lapwai? Yeah, let’s see either the racists come out of the woodwork or you all call me a racist now…Or wait, probably nobody does know anything about this place currently or historically.
Anon
Wait, what? Why do you think people are racists for commenting about your housing situation, in which you asked for advice.
Did I miss something?
Anon
Okay, I’m going to say you’re a troll or someone with a chip on their shoulder looking for an argument. If you came out and said you’re looking for housing on a Native American reservation, you definitely would have gotten a “sorry, we’ can’t help you, that is out of our experience”. Instead you jump to “I won’t tell you guys because you’re going to be racist”. I don’t know what you really want, but we can’t help you here.
Anonymous
Yup completely agree.
OP
I think it’s fair to assume that if I posted saying, “all the housing is substandard and there are gang shootings because I live on a reservation” I would have gotten a poor reaction on this board.
Anonymous
Are you limiting yourselves to Lapwai? Move to Lewiston or Clarkston and drive the 20mins.
OP
Not an option, unfortunately, for work reasons.
Anonymous
So what is the point of this post? You live in a specific area with a housing crisis? If your job requires you to live on the reservation and you can’t find housing that doesn’t negatively impact your health, then you will have to change your job. You wrote a post that stated you were choosing septic fumes over interstate noise – you can’t be surprised that people didn’t think it was a good idea.
Anonymous
Ok so in or near an Indian reservation in Idaho. A few thoughts- are you living on the reservation? Is building an option? Is there a site when you can bring in a mobile home trailer? Can you buy a plot of land anywhere? https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/23275-S-Tom-Beall-Rd-Lapwai-ID-83540/2088365205_zpid/
Or this?
https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/25277-Ridge-Ln-Juliaetta-ID-83535/110324654_zpid/
I really think highway noise and restrictive covenants are dramatically out weighed by black mold. If this is where you are going to live, you need to pick something from the available housing stock.
Anonymous
Idk why you bothered asking for advice. Have fun with your septic fumes and black mold.
Vicky Austin
Hey, fellow Idahoan. :)
MagicUnicorn
No one is calling you racist. We are pointing out that you seem to be turning down less-than-perfect housing options to stay in what you describe as an objectively unhealthy rental unit.
pugsnbourbon
I googled it and yeah, it seems on the isolated side. Do you have to stay in Lapwai or could you look at Lewiston?
Anon
I work on an Indian reservation in a rural area and also have trouble finding suitable housing- not as bad as you though, but I hear ya.
OP
Thanks. I know my situation is a little unusual, but didn’t expect the round condemnation (and disbelief from a few)! I love my job–hope you do too.
Anonymous
Lolz I know my situation is really unusual let me deliberately hide them and then be annoyed.
Anon
Because it is so unusual, it would take her pages (if not a book) to describe it.
It is not her responsibility to educate everyone on the myriad of issues facing Indian Country in order to get responses on a housing situation.
Anonymous
@ Anon 2:29
She doesn’t need to write a treatise on ‘Indian Country’, she just needed to say “For work reasons, I have to live on a rural Idaho Indian reservation, this limits my housing to the following options, which are not desirable but are unfortunately this is what’s available. Which of these options should I pick? 1) current rental, 2) house to interstate noise 3) old house that requires expensive repairs, 4) wait until spring to look more. She could provide some additional detail on each option. Lots of ppl here have made tough housing decisions before, even if not in this exact context.
FWIW I work in Canada in public housing law including on Indigenous issues. This board is certainly Northeast BigLaw centric but it’s not the only experience here.
Anon
Do you work in the city itself? Can you move out to have a longer commute and trade that off for a better home?
Anonymous
Did you want advice or what? The advice is move.
OP
Actually I know I need to move and I was hoping for advice about the options I laid out in my 1st post. But apparently it’s more fun to judge and insist you know more than internet strangers do about their own lives.
Anon
I don’t even know what to say. I think people were genuinely concerned that you’re living in unhealthy housing and insisting that getting out should be your first priority. Why are you defensive about that?
Anonymous
You laid out the options and people told you to buy the house with the restrictive covenants and the interstate noise but you’re angry about the unianimity of the advice or something?
Anonymous
And people’s advice was you should move immediately because black mold and septic fumes do not come close to being worse than highway noise
Anon
Here’s my advice:
1. Talk to an attorney about the HOA restrictions. They may not be as bad as you think they are, or they may be worse.
2. Talk to someone who is knowledgeable about reducing interstate noise.
My inclination would be to buy the place near the interstate, install good windows, put better insulation in the walls, look into sound-blocking fences or landscaping, and, if need be, move some of your nighttime living space to the quiet section of the house.
Anonymous
+1
I don’t know what the point of this post was. Seems like a vent about the limited housing market in the specific location she wants to stay in. Tons of people commute an hour between home and work precisely because their housing options are limited.
Anonymous
If you had said “We live on/near a Native American reservation” I would have been able to be more helpful because I have lived near reservations and also have family members who have lived on reservations while working for tribal governments. My mom was an educator who took a 2-year assignment working with an early-childhood program on a reservation and my parents lived on the reservation for two years, near her work.
Now that we have more context I can offer better advice. You’re right, you probably won’t be able to find much that’s better than you’re in right now. Have you reached out to people in the community who may know someone who knows someone who has a house they’re interested in renting out or selling? Maybe people who are planning on moving or even planning to “snowbird” to a warmer climate for the winter, and you could do a short-term rental of a better house while you keep looking? Tribal communities operate differently than other communities. Much is done via word-of-mouth and connections. I am making a wild assumption you didn’t grow up where you’re living and are there for work? Working whatever network you have will be crucial – sitting and waiting to see what comes up on Realtor.com probably won’t work.
Are you wanting to buy because you feel like it’s the only way out of a bad rental house or because you genuinely think you will be there a long time?
I have a completely different perspective now that I understand where you are – this is tough and it’s going to be tough. I think you may need to really compromise on your “must haves” for a home if you plan to buy. Safe (environmentally and crime-wise) and in relatively good shape with serious (but fixable) issues may be all you can accomplish. Wild idea, this has worked for some folks I know in rural areas – would the person you’re renting your house from be willing to sell it to you for a low price and then you can put some of your savings into fixing it up? Where options are limited sometimes you have to get creative.
OP
Wow, what an incredibly helpful post! Thank you thank you for even believing me about the situation I’m in.
We are planning on staying long-term. And yeah, this is a new place where neither DH or I have many community ties (although the place I grew up had very similar dynamics) but all my network has to is sympathy.
But there are some places on the market–do you think it’s better to buy a place further out that has potential to be fixed up nice, or someplace that will always be pretty typical (not too bad but not great?). For this area, we’re well placed to buy, but we are not able to take any real financial risk.
Anonymous
Omg what? If pretty typical is an option, and you’re living in a den of black mold, you take pretty typical. If further out but able to fix it up is an option, you take it.
Anon
I think further out because sometimes the job can be very emotionally draining.
OP
Thanks.
Anonymous
It really depends on the type of lifestyle you want to live. For many folks I know “farther out” would be better just because they want to be able to hike, bike, hunt, fish etc. just walking out their front door. Reservation land is one of the rare places where you might be able to do that if you find the right place (and get the right licenses, of course). Some people really love being farther away from the “denser” parts of the reservation (yes, I know just how ironic that is) and for some people, it makes them incredibly nervous to be “out in the middle of nowhere.” If you are outdoorsy and love being on the land I would look for a place with great land and an okay house with fixable issues – or no house, but with septic, electric and water where you can put a manufactured home (I saw this suggestion upthread and this is ultimately what my parents did and it worked well for them). You may be able to buy or rent land cheap and then use your down payment money for a manufactured home. They have come a LONG way in the last 30 years; go look at a couple before you knock it. My parents had one that did not look like or feel like what most people think of when they think “manufactured home.” My husband and I are seriously considering this option for our retirement.
If that’s not doable for whatever reason I would find a house with very fixable problems and buy it, as long as the floorplan and square footage are decently matched to how you will use the home. Do not fall into the trap of picking the house that is larger or looks nicer but has more serious, less-fixable issues. My husband and I did that in our not-rural area with our first house and it was a money pit. Painting and replacing carpet are easy and can be relatively cheap. Fixing structural, plumbing and electrical problems are not. You probably are not going to find the combination of looks nice + doesn’t have serious problems unless you really wait a very long time, and even then it might cost you more than you’re willing to pay.
Good luck in finding something – your path to homeownership is not going to look like other people’s, so keep an open mind and put out lots of feelers. The right thing will come along.
OP
Thanks–your parents’ setup, or what you are considering for retirement, sounds a lot like the “ideal” that we haven’t been able to find. I’ve definitely seen some very nice mobile homes (that’s what we were outbid on last summer). I hope we both get there someday!
In the meantime, I guess I’ll be learning something wherever we land…Thanks for wishing me luck.
Super Anon Wife
Hive,
I need personal advice/help/telling-like-it-is. I’m a mess – last week I found out my husband of 22 years has profiles on several dating, cheating and even matrimonial sites and has been also been texting women from the oldest profession in the world. When confronted, he said it was because I had shut him out emotionally as well as physically for the past several months and this was his way to deal – that he never actually met anybody or cheated. The shutting out part is true – we had a massive fight in March and I did withdraw after that. Throughout our marriage, he has always been the one to make the first move after a fight and if I’m honest, the one to apologize. He said he was sick of that and he just did not want to do that this time time. FWIW, I did make him take a polygraph test and he passed. He wants to go to counseling and says he wants to stay with me and renew our vows on our 25th, but part of me feels he is only saying that because he was caught and could back to the deception after my ruffled feathers were calmed. What do you make of this? Thanks so much – I know I’m lucky to have access to such a great set of women here and am grateful for your insights, opinions and advice.
Anonymous
Are you interested in staying in this marriage? You don’t mention wanting to work on it yourself and someone who shuts out a spouse for 6 months doesn’t seem like a person who wants to stay married.
Regular Lurker
I am, very much so. But I don’t want to be fooled again. He brought me flowers ON THE SAME DAY that he texted an escort! He said he was still trying to make things right with me and that’s why he brought the flowers, and not to cover up his secret actions.
As for the long shutting out – he hit me, so of course I was wanted him to be the one to apologize. I know a lot of you would say I should have left at that point, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Our oldest was on the verge of college at the point but of course that’s not the only reason I stayed.
Regular Lurker
Please ignore my typos everyone – I’m not really myself or at the top of my game right now.
anon
Wait, WHAT? He HIT you? Honey, no – this completely changes the advice. You deserve better than this POS you’ve currently got as a husband. No, no, no. This is not right, and you need to get out of there. You’re not physically safe. You’re not emotionally safe. You don’t need him to apologize – you need him to be gone. Someone who hits you and expects you to apologize to him (for what, making him mad?) is not someone who deserves to be in your life.
Anon
If this is real and not a tr0ll post, I agree about the counseling, though I don’t have much hope for the marriage.
Regular Lurker
Not a troll – why would it be?
Would you elaborate on why you believe there’s not much hope? Because he will stray again or because I’m not invested enough?
Anonymous
Because your whole post and your follow ups sound fake. He hit you and cheated on you for months.
Regular Lurker
None of this is fake. He apologized for the hitting but not the original (now seemingly trivial) reason for the disagreement. I did not know about the cheating until recently. And now he’s begging for one last chance. I’m an educated professional. Am I this blind?
Anonlawyer
Guys, you need to stop calling troll on people who don’t sound like anyone you know. This happens all the time. Take it from a divorce lawyer. OP, I’m so sorry.
Anon
I didn’t see much hope because you hadn’t spoken to him in months, his solution to that was to cheat on you, you made him take a polygraph test. All of this is supremely dysfunctional.
But now you say he hit you and said it was your fault. I have zero hope. Get out now. Like, stop reading responses here and pack your bags. This is not going to get better.
Anonymous
I think there are obviously some serious issues in your marriage that are too complicated for any of us to help with. If you want to leave your marriage go to a lawyer. If you aren’t sure yet, go to couples therapy.
Anon
+ a million to this
. . . a polygraph test???
Regular Lurker
I didn’t know what else to do – on the one hand I’m looking at all these profiles with his recent pictures and all these texts to and from prostitutes on the phone statement and on the other he swore he never actually used their services or met anyone from the cheating sites.
Anonymous
yeah, sorry, this is what did it for me. As soon as I read “polygraph test,” i thought, this is clearly fake.
Regular Lurker
It is not. The test was suggested by my 18 year old. I tried to recover his deleted texts so I could determine if he was lying about not actually meeting anyone, but was not able to do so. He kept begging to at least go to counseling before I divorced him and of course I did not believe that he had not progressed on the prostitutes and the cheating site contacts.
Anon
omg why is your 18 year old involved in this? Keep your kids out of it and leave your abusive husband.
Senior Attorney
Don’t go to couples therapy with an abuser. Go by yourself.
Anon
This is very important. Couples therapy is contraindicated for abusers and is likely to make the abuse worse over time.
Anon
I’m so sorry. You can make any decision you want. It’s fine if you consider this a dealbreaker and want to end the marriage immediately, it’s fine if you want to try to work through things with the goal of renewing your vows.
Personally, in your shoes I would probably be inclined to stay and work through things, unless more information came to light. But you don’t have to do what I or anyone else would do.
Regular Lurker
Thank you.
Anonymous
Agreed. You can do what you want here. As the spouse who’s been on the other side of someone pulling away, please consider that shutting someone out for 5 months (!) is not really acceptable either. Please go into therapy with an eye toward how to improve your skills on that front.
Anon
She said above that she shut him out because he hit her, which changes things considerably.
Anon
It sounds like you both have methods of coping with disagreement and conflict that could benefit from work with a couples therapist. Though the dating profiles/messaging other women are a more egregious offense IMO, shutting your spouse out after a conflict and refusing to apologize isn’t healthy either and it isn’t surprising that your husband felt lonely or like he just didn’t want to do that anymore (though that is not justification for his actions).
Personally, I would try to work through it. Own your part in this. Make him own his part in this. Nothing productive can come out of it without both of you doing the work.
Anon
Don’t go to couple’s therapy with an abuser. Go by yourself. Also, not every conflict requires an apology from both sides.
anon
What was the fight about in March? If you guys had an argument so bad that you’ve iced each other out for 6 months, I think your husband’s behavior is actually something of a secondary issue. It sounds like your marriage has deteriorated pretty seriously. It’s not okay for him to respond to emotional withdrawal by (essentially) cheating, but in this situation it’s a symptom of the larger problem, I think. Whether your marriage is salvageable or not is going to depend on what that larger problem is.
Regular Lurker
He hit me after I said he was not genuine with the emotions he was displaying. I was crying and he sounded like he was crying too, but there was not a single tear on his face and I pointed that out. He said I mocked his feelings and that’s why he lost control.
Please – I am not trying to stir the pot or tr011 – every single thing I’m saying is true. I do not live in the country of my origin and have no close friend/relative I can discuss this with.
anon
Where are you living right now? This is not a safe situation for you, and we have readers here who are all over the world. Let us help you identify resources in your country that can help you get out of this. I know that you love him, but think of what you would say if your sister came to you and told you the same story – you would tell her to leave. He is not honoring your marriage and treating you with the respect you deserve.
anon
Also, blaming you for his “loss of control” is classic abusive behavior.
Regular Lurker
He did apologize for the hitting at the time, took full responsibility and said there was no excuse. But he did blame my mocking him and then shutting him out for causing him to crack and escape to the (possibility of) other women.
anon
Amending my advice to say NO, this is not salvageable. What do you need in order to be able to leave this person and get to a safe situation? Where are you located? We can help you make a plan or find people who can help you do that.
Regular Lurker
I’m in Houston, TX. I do have a 15 year old daughter that lives with us. My older child is away to college.
anon
Here is what I found on a quick google search: https://hawc.org/ They have a hotline – please call them and talk to them about how to make a plan to get yourself to a safer place.
I’m going to make a new comment at the bottom of the page below to see if there are any Houston readers who may have direct experience/knowledge of the Houston area.
Do you have separate bank accounts or joint? What about credit cards? Make sure you have the financial means to leave is one of the first things you should do.
Sunflower
Also posted this message below:
I have personal knowledge of the Houston Area Women’s Center (hawc.org) as a longtime donor and member of its Finance Committee. It operates the primary domestic violence shelter in Houston and it’s a wonderful organization with very dedicated staff and volunteers. Regular Lurker, they can help you! Please call their 24-hour hotline at (713) 528-2121.
Anonymous
Friend, you’ve come to us for advice, insights, and opinions. Here are mine: DTMFA. He hit you, blamed you for it, refused to apologize, betrayed you, and then blamed you for it again. These are the objective facts you have given us. You owe it to yourself and your 15 year old daughter to remove yourself from this toxic situation. These are not problems couples counseling can fix: couples counseling is contraindicated in abusive relationships, which you are in. Talk to an attorney ASAP.
Regular Lurker
Thank you for this.
J
Also, please read Lundy Bancroft’s book “Why does he do that”? He makes it really clear that abusive men aren’t out of control, they’re using being out of control as an excuse. For example, when they break things, they almost never break their things. And after they’ve “apologized”, it’s the woman who’s clearing up the mess.
Regular Lurker
Accounts are joint, as are credit cards. What do I need to do?
Anonymous
Call the Domestic Abuse Hotline 1-800-799-7233. They will be able to give you more immediate advice until you can speak with an attorney. But I highly highly recommend you speak to an attorney ASAP
anon
I’m not an expert but I think seeing a lawyer and making sure you have access to money are the first two things you should do. I would maybe try to take a sick day from work so you can do those two things.
Go open your own bank account and apply for your own credit card. You don’t need his permission to do that. You’ll want to move some money into the bank account from your joint account. You need this in case he tries to cut you off when you move. Do this as soon as you can. You can ask the bank and credit card company to use your work address as your mailing address, btw, in case you want to make sure statements, etc. don’t get mailed to your house. I would suggest going to a Bank that will do an instant issue debit card for you so you can get it right away (they may be willing to do an instant issue credit card as well). You’ll need to go to a branch for this. If you can’t get to a branch, you can set up an online savings account and move money quickly, and then later use that to fund your separate checking account once you can get to the bank. The key is just getting money and credit that you can keep safely before he knows you’ve done it.
If you don’t have the logins/passwords for your current bank account, but you have a check for that account, you can use that to move money (it has the account # and routing # on the front).
You said you’re not originally from the US. Are you a citizen? I would also make sure that you have your passport (US or foreign) and you immigration documents with you. Keep them in your desk at work if need be.
Anonymous
You might want to read or listen to “Hold Me Tight” by Sue Johnson. Based on your post, there appear to be serious issues with your marriage that stem from a lack of connection on both of your parts. His conduct is deplorable. But so to is shutting your husband out for 6+ months (I have no idea what the “fight” was about–but a six month disconnection period makes it seem fairly major). I am not sure either of you want to be married to another–and that may be a good first question to ask. 22 years is a a long history–have you traditionally argued and shut down for months at a time, or is this a new thing? There is so much here–you might want to visit your own therapist by yourself and explore what’s going on with you and your needs within a relationship. Also, without knowing what “shutting out” means within your relationship–it is really difficult to gauge what all is going on here. I think the best advice would be for you to have a really in depth conversation with a therapist/ counselor, another one with your husband (possibly facilitated by a therapist/ counselor) and some long thinking on what are the real issues within your relationship and marriage–and what (if anything) you want out of it.
Regular Lurker
By shutting out, I mean there was no gardening. I was withdrawn, but I still did speak to him, even friendly. We did things as a family and on the surface things would appear ok to others. We took the kids on a vacation, where he walked around with me arm in arm. He posted pictures of us on social media.
Anonymous
NVM–didn’t realize that physical violence was a part of this. Please contact a therapist for yourself and find help as recommended by other posters.
Anonymous
She said the fight was that she said he is not genuine enough with his emotions, which caused him to lose control of his temper and hit her. I think icing out for 6 months, or permanently, is justified here.
Sparky
I understand its helpful to get perspective but I don’t think its relevant what a group of strangers makes of your situation – you have to make a decision based on what you want. Its ok not to know what that is right now, but my advice would be to look for an individual therapist who helps people with transitions and relationship issues (since you mentioned this is not your country of origin) to help you answer that question for yourself. You need to be 100% confident about either staying or leaving if you are going to take steps in either direction. I don’t know of resources in your area but I recommend looking up therapists on psychology and trying a few out until you find a good fit. Lots of hugs and good luck.
Regular Lurker
Thank you, especially for the hugs.
Anon
I am so sorry you are going through this. I want to respond to a few things that have been put in some of your various responses to this original post.
1) This sort of thing can happen to anyone, regardless of their education, profession, or socioeconomic status. Nothing is wrong with you, and you are not “blind” because you are an educated professional and this happened. The fact is, this can happen to anyone, but people with higher educations and higher socioeconomic status are better at hiding it (and often feel that they have more to lose if it comes out). You are not alone.
2) It *sounds* like from your posts that the incident in the spring was the first time he had hit you. Know that it can, and likely will, happen again unless you get out of this relationship as soon as possible. If that was the first time he’s been physically violent with you, he’s likely embarrassed by it right now, and wouldn’t escalate things if you try to leave. This is important because a woman in a violent relationship experiences a higher risk of violence if and when she tries to leave the relationship. I would not put this off much longer. Also, I think that the cheating issue now gives you an “out” (not that you should need one) to easily explain why you want to leave. Violent men are particularly violent when you call them out on it, so the cheating gives you an “excuse” so to speak for leaving, that he will likely accept more easily. (I am not saying an “excuse” should be necessary or skirting the issue of violence should be necessary, I’m just saying, this is reality, and right now, being safe is more important than standing on principle.) If I were you, see a lawyer, and lean heavily on the cheating issue and being too hurt to move forward. This is your chance to leave, you have to take it.
3) You need to stash away some cash as you can in case you need it in an emergency.
I feel a real sense of urgency in saying these things because I have been there. I grew up in a household where my dad abused my mom and my siblings and I (and are still together, by the way). As an adult I ended up where I never thought I would be – dating someone who attacked me one night. I had the wherewithal to GTFO within minutes, but I know how hard it is and how high the risks are. Wishing you all the best in this.
Regular Lurker
Thank you. And no, this was not the first time. I had told him I would leave if it ever happened again, but it did, and I didn’t. It’s true you teach people how to treat you. In my eyes, he was trying in little ways to make it right but really, he was pulling the wool over my eyes, and I let him. For all his faults, never in a million years had I thought him capable of the level of deception I saw. He said he just needed emotional support, that the s6x was only a small part of the reason he was looking, that I was cold and rejecting of him. And all he wanted was me to take him back. He’s promising full access to everything from now on – phone, bank accounts, car gps but I don’t want to be forever on the lookout.And he feels the lie detector has validated his claims there was no actual physical contact, but he was definitely looking while pretending things were getting better between us.
anon
Honey, even if he’s telling the truth about never cheating again, he’s already hit you twice. At least. You deserve so much more than this. So much more.
Coach Laura
I’ve read comments that say the hitting is not the first time. You have to protect yourself and your 15yo (and 18yo too but I’m assuming they are away at school). I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. My advice is to talk to an attorney today and to get yourself a therapist today.
Gently, an 18yo should not be who you go to for advice help. Do you have someone else that you can trust like a friend or neighbor – even a coworker that you could trust? It’s hard when you are away from family but you could tell the coworker that you want to leave and not tell them all the gory details.
Someone above gave ideas about a women’s crisis center in Houston but please call today. Get an action plan of you and the 15yo leaving or spouse leaving by tomorrow.
You may need to get some money and put it in a separate account but get an attorney’s advice first – this is tricky and is very different depending on state laws. Don’t just transfer funds without checking. At least you can set up a separate account and have your next paycheck deposited to your separate account. Good luck and be safe.
Ileene Out TooFar
Dear Friend,
I am currently job-searching and am looking for help crafting an email in which I ask my friends, aquaintances, colleagues, etc. for networking meetings, help, informational interviews. I am asking you if you have any experience crafting these emails, or receiving them, what is helpful, what is not, what should my email look like? Yes, I am scouring the web, including AskAManager, but I thought I would directly ask my Corpor3tt3Friends (even Ellen) for some advice, too.
Thank you in advance!
I. TryingTo LeanBackIn
blueberries
Can you just invite friends/colleagues for coffee or a walk (or phone call if they’re far) to catch up? Make scheduling and location as easy as possible for them.
I’d find it really weird to be invited to a networking meeting, but I’d love to get coffee and catch up with someone I worked with and liked 5-10 years ago.
However, my calendar is pretty chill these days during a good chunk of the day because I took a career detour. I’d love to hear the thoughts of people with super packed schedules.
Ileene Out TooFar
Yeah, it would probably be a coffee or catch-up call. I just don’t want to spring the whole “ACTUALLY the REAL reason why I asked you here is because I am looking for a job! Surprise!” AND I actually want to ASK For something that will be helpful to them to help me – i.e., I am not just looking for ANY job, I want to X, Y, Z, but what is X Y Z that people need to hear to direct them to be helpful to me? Title? Company? Industry? Job task? Talent recruiter?
Thoughts?
blueberries
Honestly, I’m rarely in the position of being able to be of much direct help for getting a job, even when I’m close to the hiring manager. I hate when people ask for help directly getting a job unless they’re well qualified and I am close to the hiring. If they’re well qualified, the hiring manager is probably already jumping at interviewing them (I’ve always been involved in searches that require specific qualifications that are hard to find), but I’m happy to say “this person was great in law school” or whatever if true.
However, I love connecting people where I think it’s mutually beneficial and I see connections to talk about their field. If I sense that someone is going to strongly hint that a connection get them a job, I probably won’t make the connection.
I know some companies have a culture of passing along resumes and my views on this would be totally different if I worked at one of those companies.
Anon
Senior professional (near C suite) in corporate world (not law) and mom of 2 who is almost always tired/underslept and dealing with urgent issues at work or at home. Time is my most precious commodity. But I get this all the time, and there are 2 ways I like it to go:
1) For people who are mild acquaintances like ex-colleagues from prior jobs, sometimes even folks I didn’t work with much. For these people, I like them to reach out to me on Linkedin, after having researched the job they are interested in at my workplace. If they do, I’m happy to email or walk their resume over to the hiring manager at my company and introduce them, I have also referred via our internal portal and said nice things about working with them in the past. The key for me is that I don’t have to spend a ton of time on this. I like to have a lot of specificity on the ask. Usually the ask is a referral. Sometimes the ask is – I am interviewing with X person, can you give me the lowdown. I’m happy to do so, usually via email or (if I have less nice things to say) on the phone, but I want to know the ask before I agree to have the call, and don’t want a long meandering call.
2) For people who are close friends, even those I haven’t been in touch with for a while. Here I am happy to catch up for lunch and spend an hour hearing about what this person is interested in switching to, brainstorming roles they may like and more broadly talking about career tradeoffs. I have been a listening board like this both for a friend who has been out of the workforce and another one taking a career pivot. I still need to multitask so I’d rather do a call when I’m commuting, or combine with a lunch or a walk if you come near my workplace. Here the ask would be – I would like you to help me brainstorm the next step in my career, perhaps we could do it over a walk/lunch/coffee/phone call, and give me the choice.
Ellen
I am gratful that you are asking for my advise. I say write a very detailed letter stating what you’ve done and what you now want. Once you have this master template, save it, and open it, use the “save as” function, rename it to the name of the person you will be sending the letter to, and then go back in and personalize it by adding how you can help Company X, Company Y, Company Z, and makeing geographical referenes; i.e., “I so much want to start working with you in MANHATTAN/PHOENIX/LA/San Frisco, etc, “because my MOTHER/FATHER/BOYFRIEND grew up / went to school / met me there and it would be wonderful to be able to come and see for myself how wonderful the town is!.
Good luck to you on your job search. Also, if you have a boyfreind/SO/Husband, always include him in your letter. It will show you have balance. (I don’t have a boyfriend, but I would still use the hypethetical boyfriend, even tho mine was a total zero). FOOEY!
C2
Dressing for a Friday interview – I haven’t interviewed in several years and I’m interviewing tomorrow for a position at a company where I know there is likely a casual Friday dress code. I have 3 interviews, one with the hiring manager and 2 with senior team members. Can/should I remove my jacket for the fit interviews if the interviewers are dressed very casually, or should I keep it on? I’m planning to wear a suit (charcoal/black BR wool suit) and and this https://annstyle.co/2kuV7n2 long sleeve AT blouse.
Anon
It’s their casual Friday, not yours. Keep the jacket on. It’s normal to be more dressed up than your interviewers.
Anonymous
No just wear your suit like normal.
Anon
Help! What’s the best cut of jeans for a tall, long-waisted pear with thighs? I’ve heard the term “saddle bags” which makes me cringe, but it seems to be applicable here. I wear a 12 at J Crew, 8-10 at Talbots. Thank you!
Short-waisted pear with relaxed pair
Mid-rise.
Flare or straight bottoms,
Relaxed or boyfriend or curvy fit.
Hope this helps.
Anonymous
Tall, long-waisted pear here and I really like my jeans from Wit & Wisdom. They have a few different styles, depending on what you’re looking for.
Midtown restaurant recommendations
I’m looking for restaurant recommendations in midtown NYC. I’m going there for a business development trip and need to plan two dinners – both weeknights after work with women in early 30s. It will be expensed but can’t be too over the top pricey.
Anon
I’ve really enjoyed Bedford & Co the last few trips to NYC. It’s in midtown not far from Grand Central.
Anon
Here’s their website. It would be helpful if you added what you mean by pricey. This place has ~$30 entrees, but I think that’s fairly typical for the area.
https://www.bedfordandco.com/our-menu/
Anonymous
fig and olive?
anon in brooklyn
If you’re up for something interesting, Sen Sakana is a Peruvian/Japanese place and really good. Best food I’ve had in Midtown.
Anonymous
where in midtown? I’m a big fan of The Campbell Apartment for drinks and small plates at Grand Central. If you’re on the west side, if you go far 9th (9th/45th) there’s a great Turkish restaurant. By Penn Station (32/8 or so) there are tasty restuarants with Koreatown. If you’re up higher near central park, I love Marea but lots of other restaurants up there also to expense it up.
Ms B
I like Esca for just about everything. Further uptown, I agree with Anon at 2:34 pm’s rec on Marea for a slightly spendier alternative. If Marea is not out of budget, consider Nougatine; if the weather is nice you can sit out on their terrace.
NYC recommendations - midtown
NYC ladies where would you like to be taken out for dinner (work related) in the midtown area ? Going to NYC for a business development trip and need to plan two after work dinners. My guests are women in early to mid 30s. It will be expensed but cannot be too over the top pricey. Thanks! (sorry if this posted twice)
Anon
I’m the poster who had the money snapshot yesterday and I saw this morning there were a few follow-up questions on the post. I got an MPH rather than an MPP, although I now work on a variety of policy issues that aren’t health-specific. I did end up paying off the student loan balance as soon as I got a job after grad school. I wanted to keep the money in the bank earning interest until then, but once our household income went up by $75K annually, I felt more comfortable just paying off the final balance (and now interest rates are down again anyway). We are saving somewhere between $2K-4K per month, although we have also had a more expensive year for several reasons and our savings rate keeps taking a hit (damn you, destination bachelor*tte party for a wedding where I’m MOH…) I hope the post was interesting! I’ve appreciated reading the other ones.
Need outerwear advice!
Going to Europe in mid/late November (Amsterdam, Paris, possibly southern Germany or Brussels). What outerwear should I bring?
I have a waterproof raincoat from Athleta (black), but it’s not particularly warm and not lightweight. Was thinking about a packable lightweight puffer for non-rainy days. What brands do you recommend? Or will I look tacky in a puffer? I want to look somewhat stylish but also be warm and comfortable. (Don’t worry, I won’t wear trainers).
Or should I just bring the rain jacket and stay warm, as my husband puts it, through the “magic of layering.” (I’d rather get a new jacket).
Also do I need scarf/hat/gloves? My muscle memory can never get a handle on what 40-50 degrees feels like and I’m always freezing or weighed down with too heavy clothes.
Give me your thoughts!
ProfP
I live in a part of the US where we need a raincoat maybe once a year, so I choose rainwear primarily for trips to Europe. Two strategies: (1) a trench-style raincoat from Travelsmith with a zip-out lining. Pretty boring and conservative, but suitable for a large part of the year in France (where I go most often); (2) more casual: a gear-type raincoat optionally with a lightweight puffer underneath. Puffers (think Uniqlo) are ubiquitous in Europe except for seriously formal contexts. Strongly recommend scarf (everybody wears them), hat & gloves if you expect to be outdoors much.
Anonymous
Get the puffer, bring a scarf hat and gloves, and trainer/sneakers are perfectly acceptable people all over Europe wear them daily, just not out to a fancy dinner.
Anon
Get the puffer, bring a scarf hat and gloves, and trainer/sneakers are perfectly acceptable people all over Europe wear them daily, just not out to a fancy dinner.
Anon
I felt comfortable most of the time in your destination cities at that time of year in a long sleeve shirt layered by wool sweater layered by leather jacket (soft leather with waterproofing treatment), jeans on the bottom, flat leather boots. I had a big knit scarf I could put over my head if my ears got cold and my cheapie thin gloves were a life saver. However, there were a few days/evenings where this was not enough and I promised myself I’d bring a water resistant lightly lined vest with hood next time. I still stand by the leather jacket option as it’s super versatile even though obviously heavy. In warmer weather I wore it open with a tank and was perfectly comfortable. I did fit in well with these outfit options everywhere we went.
Dlc
I have a Uniqlo packable puffer veat for this kind of thing- warm, but not to bulky.
Anonymous
Same – packs down small and i also use it as a pillow/blanket on long flights
Coach Laura
I have the Uniqlo ultra-light compact down jacket and it is so thin that it fits under my raincoat and under a trench coat. It would also probably fit under a wool coat if the coat was roomy enough. My ultra-light is one of the best things I bought recently and is great for travel. This would also pack up small into a bag or backpack for day trips and has its own stuff sack. This is the $59 one. Here’s a funny review of it: http://nymag.com/strategist/article/uniqlo-ultra-light-down-compact-jacket-review.html
Uniqlo has several weights of down jackets and vests and coats – the ultra light (non-compact) jacket is $69 but also has its own stuff sack.
Anon
Everyone wears trainers in Europe!
Anon
Our president on Cokie Roberts’s death:
And President Trump, speaking to reporters on Air Force One en route to California from New Mexico, said of Ms. Roberts: “I never met her. She never treated me nicely. But I would like to wish her family well. She was a professional and I respect professionals. I respect you guys a lot, you people a lot. She was a real professional. Never treated me well, but I certainly respect her as a professional.”
anon 2
My translation: A famous media person died. Words mimicking human empathy. Me. Me me. Me mememememememememememememe. Me. Pandering. Me. MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
Anon
Jesus. What a colossal a s s hole that man is.
Anon
I’m sure the family is very comforted by his words.
drpepperesq
+1 LOL
Anon
Didn’t he say this a couple days ago? But yeah, gross but not exactly surprising.
Anon
Yesterday I think.
As quoted by Christine the Journalist who dies from a book
Hansel, Male Model of the Year, “Zoolander” movie, being interviewed:
“I wasn’t like every other kid, you know, who dreams about being an astronaut, I was always more interested in what bark was made out of on a tree. Richard Gere’s a real hero of mine. Sting. Sting would be another person who’s a hero. The music he’s created over the years, I don’t really listen to it, but the fact that he’s making it, I respect that. I care desperately about what I do. Do I know what product I’m selling? No. Do I know what I’m doing today? No. But I’m here, and I’m gonna give it my best shot.”
Anonymous
That’s about as polite as he gets.
Anon
His IQ is literally like 90.
Anon
90 strikes me as generous – that’s only very slightly below average.
Anon
Yeah, if Trump didn’t have a rich father, none of us would have heard his name ever
Anonymous
That’s a very interesting thought. Where would he have ended up in a “normal” American family.
Anonymous
unemployed and posting rants on Reddit about why feminists are awful and won’t date him.
Anon
No you’re wrong. I believe he told us his IQ is Bigly.
anon
HOUSTON ARE ‘RETTES: Please read the thread above from Regular Lurker and if you have any first-hand knowledge of resources for domestic violence victims, please share.
Sunflower
I have personal knowledge of the Houston Area Women’s Center (hawc.org) as a longtime donor and member of its Finance Committee. It operates the primary domestic violence shelter in Houston and it’s a wonderful organization with very dedicated staff and volunteers. Regular Lurker, they can help you! Please call their 24-hour hotline at (713) 528-2121.
Anon
Have we already talked about Shiv Roy’s wardrobe on Succession/HBO? Because I drool. I need all the high waisted pants and blouses and knitwear in sumptuous fabrics, and in particular I need that large single pearl on a substantial chain necklace.
Anon
I love her look this season!
Seventh Sister
I also need that pierced pearl necklace. And the cute ex-boyfriend who works for the Sanders-type politician. And her dogs. And her dad’s apartment. And I want her stepmom to be my real mom.
Anon
You like the stepmom? I’m convinced they’re all sort of hilariously evil plotting types. I don’t think that is the last we will see of the stepmom’s bio son.
Seventh Sister
She’s just so cold and evil and wonderful! Like a Lucille Bluth who has schemes that will actually work. Her son is also super-hot.
Seventh Sister
I could just use a break from my own mom. Marcia would take me shopping at Bergdorf Goodman and tell me I’m being ridiculous and also let me drink martinis with her at 2pm on a weekday.
In-House in Houston
Late poster but I love Shiv’s look this season. In fact, I got my hair cut like hers last weekend for an interview i have next week. She looks so polished!
Anonymous
The togs are Armani and Max Mara.