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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Zillow Sleeveless Pleated Top

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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. I usually think of Roland Mouret as doing dresses in an amazing, sort of vintage vibe, but this pleated top is also stunning, I love the folded, origami feel to it — and it's somehow stiff while also being fitted. I love the color, although it's described as pink and I'd definitely say it's more of a purple. It's almost sold out at Bergdorf Goodman, where it's $1,045. Zillow Sleeveless Pleated Top Here's a more affordable top from MM.LaFleur, and two plus-size options are here and here. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 5/19/25:

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357 Comments

  1. It’s out of my price range, but that is a beautiful top.

    What did women’s casual clothes used to be made out of (1930s-1960s)? Whenever I watch movies set in those time periods, I’m always struck by how put-together and smart the women look. I know that is partly due to tailoring, but there’s also the appearance of finer quality, including among middle-class women, for simple day-to-day clothing. What would your typical everyday dress or blouse be made out of back then – cotton?

    1. Yes, cotton for blouses, wool for skirts. Linen too, and people spent a lot of time ironing. People had fewer clothes, too.

    2. That also might just be because it’s a movie. When I watch current tv shows or movies, I also think that the people look more put together then the average person on the street

      1. I’m sure that contributes but when I look at old pictures of various relatives, I find they look much more put together too. I think tailoring is probably part of it – my grandmother, for instance, had a seamstress who made a lot of dresses for her. Undergarments probably played a role too – there was a lot more layering going on back then vs. now. Plus, people didn’t have easy access to cheap disposable clothing so they probably cared for their clothes differently, too.

        1. I was about to chime in with the same thing – I see the same look in old family photos and videos that I see in the Hollywood movies (with perhaps a little less attention to Hollywood hair and make-up). The consistency is what stands out to me.

        2. Photos are also typically the highlight reel – you took pictures on special occasions, when you were dressed up and trying to look your nicest.

        3. Photography also used to be rare, not an everyday thing. A fair comparison would be to studio photo sessions, not everyday pictures with your camera.

          I guess it’s clear that I think that clothing materials made some difference, but that the bigger changes had to do with the huge differences in life style (i.e. Homemade clothing tailored to fit, clothing that was just put on for the photo session, etc)

      2. My mom once showed me a CBS Sunday Morning story of a professor who taught a fashion history class, and truly believed that the way people dressed back in the day was superior to how we dress now. They just put more effort in, paid more attention to detail, and had more accessories like hats and gloves that coordinated perfectly with their outfits. Her class had a dress code, you had to dress well. My mom was like “I just thought it was interesting, she makes some good points.” Inside I scoffed at that sort of golden age thinking, but I also wondered if that was my mom’s subtle way of convincing me to dress better. It probably had an effect, because then I got into vintage fashion and now I have to be careful not to overdress for family occasions.

        Anyway, I do think that movies always show us an exaggerated version of what was worn at any given time, just like swing dance footage that survived from the 30’s and 40’s was loaded with fancy steps most people didn’t even know how to do, much less were allowed to do on most dance floors. Nevertheless, I do think there’s some truth to the fact that people in general put a lot more effort into their appearances in their daily lives than many people do now, and their definition of “casual” was dressier than ours is now. Although I don’t think one way is better than the other, I enjoy the freedom modern life affords me. I can go to the grocery store in a cute shirtdress from Unique Vintage OR yoga pants and a sweatshirt if I feel like it.

        1. The other thing to consider is what they were transitioning from. Their version of casual is more involved than our modern-day one, but WAY less involved than what came before – even 20 years earlier with the Edwardian/Golden Age – floorlength skirts, shirtwaist, over corset/chemise at a minimum. Bustles and narrow skirts and shirts with giant sleeves if you were being more fashionable.

          1. Very true, it seems with each generation we re-evaluate what’s necessary and what isn’t. Major world events like war and economic depressions and recessions will certainly have an impact as well.

            Whenever people say they wished people still dressed like they did in the 1950’s, I want to ask them, do they figure some people in the 50’s wished they dressed like people did in the Ragtime era? And how ridiculous would that have been, not appreciating the beauty of their own time period? The present may seem dull or vulgar, but in 50 years people may romanticize how we dress and live now.

        2. I agree that people took more care back in the day.

          I used to have a photo in my office of Downtown LA, taken around the turn of the 20th century. Everybody in the photo, from the newsboy on a bicycle to the lady getting off the streetcar, was wearing a hat. I firmly believe the world was better when everybody wore hats. :)

          1. I heard hats fell out of fashion because JFK didn’t look good in them, so he stopped wearing them, and that trickled down so to speak. Not sure if it’s true, but it’s certainly an interesting theory.

            I want to wear more hats though. I keep wanting to buy pillbox hats and fascinators to go with my vintage-style clothes, but I think those hats would make me look too “in costume” to modern humans.

          2. With the high temperatures lately, I have been wearing a hat. I get so many compliments on the straw fedora I wear almost every day. It doesn’t have the largest brim, but it overall does the job of shading my face while looking professional. I have a couple picture hats that have larger brims, but they droop and just generally don’t make me feel like my professional best.

          3. I’ve heard the JKF hat theory also. I love when men wear hats. They looks so dapper!

          5. Grandma Leyeh told me that alot of women in the 1950’s were dressed VERY stylish b/c Marilyn Monroe raised the bar for all women, and no one wanted to look dumpy. But the men did NOT always dry clean their clotheing or use deoderant, she said, so you often had women dateing men that smelled bad, especially after they wore their clothes for more then an hour. Back then, women knew NOT to date men that were not wearing fresh clotheing. FOOEY!

    3. My mother and both grandmothers sewed their own clothes then. They used more wool (with a higher % of wool) in the winter and lined it. They also used a lot of polyester b/c it had some give and was basically indestructable with almost no maintance annoyances (they washed in a machine and dried things on the clothesline or on drip-dry hangers on the shower rod). The latter is how farm wives even looked sharp then. The wool suits they made for church and funerals (and women also showed up for jury duty in suits back then, so you might want a couple in your closet at all times).

      1. +1– My grandmother was a 50’s farm wife and always looked like a movie star. My granddad loved taking pictures, even back then, and there are so many snapshots of their everyday life– she even looked put together when she was hanging laundry on the line to dry. She made all of her own clothes, and taught my mom, who made hers too. My mom even made my sisters and my clothes up through the early 90s. When my grandmother passed away, we were cleaning out her home and found, tucked away in her closet, stacks of hat boxes with matching gloves and pins. She had kept all of the clothes she had made for herself over the years, even though she hadn’t worn them in decades. They were nicer than anything in my closet today.

        1. It’s difficult to find that quality of dress material today. (And very expensive.)

    4. The 30s? Cotton or floursacks for anyone stuck in the Depression. The 40s? your rationed portion of wool, cotton or rayon (instead of silk). The 50s? Lots of whatever you could get your hands on – usually cotton, I think. 60s? Polyester was starting to be used more often.

      Women usually made their own clothes. I’d guess 2-3 day dresses or pant/blouse combos, 1-2 nice church dresses/suits. You’ve seen how small closets in old houses are…people just weren’t expecting to have very many clothes.

      1. Plus, everyone (in my family at least) sewed, so things fit really really well. Everything was couture in execution. Even store-bought items were taken in or let out.

        1. Plus, people wore girdles and heavy-duty foundation garmets. Things probably looked better (and were an improvement over corsets / hoop skirts). But still.

          Their posture was 100x better than ours.

          The pictures were no doubt prettier b/c of all of the above, but probably not awesome on a day-to-day basis.

      2. I just read a really interesting book on British fashion during WWII, called Fashion on the Ration. I bought it at one of the Imperial War Museums in London, you may need to order it online if it interests you, but it’s a great read if you’re into that stuff.

        1. I just read that one on my Kindle; it was really fascinating!

          I think the key was fit, rather than fabric; people sewed and altered clothes to fit perfectly.

    5. Lack of stretch fabrics. Even early polyester was woven and not all that stretchy. My mom had a bathing suit from the 1960s that weighed a ton and had almost no stretch.

      I also agree that clothing was made better then. Items were well-constructed, lined and meant to last. Mass manufacturing and imports of clothing have only been really happening since the 1970s and has ramped up to our current “fast fashion” levels.

      1. +1 I mean, you had knits, which were stretchy, but they were typically things you actually knitted. Like with needles and yarn. So, bulky. Later on wool and cotton could be machine-knitted to produce fabric, but the stretch in those is from the weave (knit) rather than the fiber itself, so didn’t have that much stretch or recovery. Unlike modern day elastics.

        1. When I was learning to sew in the late 1970s they had these revolutionary new sewing patterns for stretch knits! New!! For Stretch fabrics!!!

    6. A lot of it is the rise of fast fashion and disposable clothing that is “good enough.” If you adjust the cost of clothing in the 50s &60s (even from Sears) to today’s dollars, you are looking at the realm of $300 to $600 clothing. At that price point, you start achieving the same degree of togetherness and quality back then. It is just that now, many people would rather buy 5-6 lesser quality dresses than have one or two well made dresses.

      1. So true.

        I’m 52. I remember when I was in high school 1978-1982, a pair of jeans in a basic low-end brand cost $30. I had two pairs of jeans.

        Jeans are $20 at old navy now.

        According to a basic US CPI calculator my $30 jeans from 1980 should cost $90 now.

        That’s why everyone runs out of closet room. Even when I was a teen everyone had fewer items. And I had a lot more than my mom ever had. She grew up with a church dress, a dance dress, and hand me down separates to wear to school (no more than three outfits any given year).

        1. To a degree, I wish this was still the norm. I’d much prefer to have fewer, higher quality things, but with fast fashion comes the expectation of variety. Especially for women. We all know we’d get looks if we wore the same 3 dresses to work/ same 2 dresses to church and same 3 dresses out.

          I say this as someone who used to wear the same pair of shoes (basically) every day and was relentlessly interrogated about it.

          1. I’m sure it varies according to social context, but I am not far from this, and no one asks me about it (or, as far as I can tell, notices). I don’t go to church, and I don’t have separate “going out” clothes, but I rotate same 6-8 outfits and 2 pairs of shoes for each season. Never gotten a single comment about it.

      2. +1 I think fast fashion has really skewed people’s expectations here. It takes a surprisingly large amount of manual labor to make a garment. There’s no such thing as an all-in-one cutting, sewing, finishing machine. Good clothes are expensive. I feel the same about IKEA and furniture here. There’s always questions on here about “Well, I don’t want IKEA, but I still want to get a really high quality couch for $400.” This seriously doesn’t exist unless you are willing to go used!

    7. Many clothes were made from a thicker rayon, cotton and strong, heavy polyester. Many women’s everday dresses were not lined, and worn with slips– I think this made them withstand washing better. I wish I could find this great illustrated infographic on how the cost of womens dresses has evolved. It showed how the average price of a woman’s dress over time has become cheaper, and more disposable. For example, in the 1920, the average cost of a dress was the equivalent of 200 dollars (in today’s currency) , and most ( middle class) women had less clothes overall. I think women ‘made over’ and reworked clothes often as well, but cutting, adding, taking away, and re shaping the fabric. I still have two pices of silk from a dress my grandmother had that wore out. She recut the dress over and over, and had the last two pieces finished onto a scarf by a seamstress.

    8. Yes, cotton. and seersucker (cotton) and linen. Also, the items were sewn and shaped differently. I noticed this when I recently watched some street scenes — simple home movies shot in NYC in the 1950s. Everyone looked so dressed up. Pulled together. Finally I realized it was because they were all wearing woven clothes (no knits) that were shaped like actual clothes — collars, cuffs, waistlines, cuffs. Even in casual summer clothes, this made a huge difference. Not a single big sloppy t-shirt anywhere, no droopy knit shorts, no exercise gear.

  2. How long does it generally take you to not feel exhausted every day at a new job? I’m not asking about settling in and feeling like you have the hang of things – just getting over that new job exhaustion and having energy for things besides working and sleeping. I just started a new job and remember the exhaustion from last time, but can’t remember how long it took to get over it.

    1. It took me quite a while, but I’m an introvert and found all the early “orientation” and “meet and greet” style of meetings especially exhausting. I stopped getting as tired the minute that I got a bit more settled and could work independently for hours at a time or all day long. Hang in there – I bet it will be over soon.

      1. Yes, I’m an introvert too and meeting everyone and learning all the rules has been a lot to handle, particularly since my new company is larger than my old one. The workload has been pretty light to start, and I’m also hoping that when I get into a steadier workflow, that will help too.

    2. I’m heading into my 3rd month of a new job and started getting over the exhaustion this month (2nd month of job). I didn’t realize I was so exhausted the first month and a half or so until I started to have more energy outside of work the past few weeks.
      For me, it took figuring out a routine and having the routine become second nature. Once I get to a place where I feel like I can show up to work and know what to expect, even if I don’t quite know the ins and outs of everything, the exhaustion starts to subside.

  4. It is lovely, but costumey (sort of Star Trek angularity / Jane Jetson / ?). And yet it is sold out.

    I consider myself to be well-read and watch a lot of TV featuring ostensibly rich people. But who actually buys this (much less gets this item to be almost sold out)? I am technically really well-off (biglaw equity partner), but I must be very thrifty b/c I would consider this too spendy for me (as would my friends). And I’m not sure what I’d do with it.

    Is it for this theoretical event: I have a good friend being honored at a late afternoon event (so, still technically daytime). I am at her table and want to wear something special and slightly celebratory, not office-sterile. It is also outside (so not freezing) at some shady lanai, perhaps on Oahu in April or October, or perhaps in Phoenix or Palm Springs. My friend is female and while a rock star in the business world, this is for some Worthy Humanitarian Cause. This is the perfect outfit for that, no?

    1. I would totally wear this to work or some event like that if I had $1000 to be dropping on a top. But I agree with you, I would probably not spend that much even if I were Rich. Maybe if I had $50M?

    2. I would wear it to work but it’s not work formal (although it would be a riot with my Loft Julie pants, which probably cost less than the tax on this). It’s Bergdorf Creative Office. Maybe if I were a trust funder who worked in a gallery?

      I hate it when Akris is a less-expensive geometric-ish clothing option.

      In my mind Lafayette 148 is like this (architectural but tailored). Instead, I find it it to be architectural in a blockish sort of way (like when I become stout / have fibroids). I much prefer this but my wallet is cringing. It’s a good thing that this color isn’t the sort of pink or purple that would look good on me.

    3. If I were ‘biglaw equity partner’ well off, I like to think I’d cultivate a capsule wardrobe mostly made up of gorgeous, avant garde, architectural couture… so in my hypothetical fantasy scenario, I could imagine myself buying a top like this. Life goals?

      1. The whole time I’ve been a partner, I’ve had kids. So in the pregnant / baby / postpartum / kid with zinc sunscreen gives you a full-body-hug years, I’ve never upscaled my shopping universe for most daily-wear items. Le sigh. I went into a Chanel boutique once and was really, really sad that there was nothing I really longed for there the way I thought I would as a young girl. And I still don’t think I’m old enough for St. John and b/w work and family, I’m not going to invest my weekends shopping. It’s more dash into Bergdorf’s when I’m in NYC (b/c midtown is easier to get to than my old haunts downtown). Spin though the Forum Shops / Wynne boutiques in Vegas. And I find nothing and come home and keep actually spending at the same mall shops. It’s not bad, it’s just not as Ab Fab-ish as I’d imagined.

        1. It sounds like the time vs. money conundrum. As a sixth year associate I have money, but no time. I used to have time but no money.

          A bit off topic, but have you checked out trunk club? Might be a good fit for you, so long as you have a tailor you trust (or want to bring items to manhattan to be tailored for free by them).

          1. It is, sort of. I actually like the thrill of the chase and have tiny older house closets, so something like trunk club has zero appeal. I have more than enough B/B+/A- clothes and would donate / replace if I stumbled upon something A+, but don’t want any more tasks in my life (like returns).

          2. Fair enough. I swear I don’t make money off of them, but they make returns super easy (they provide extra sealing labels for the big cardboard “trunk” the clothing came in, and they’re free). My first trunk was filled with sort of B- items, but I gave them feedback and the second one was great. Haven’t ordered a third, but probably will in six months or so. I’ve had great luck using them to phase out my summer/junior associate wardrobe (BR, Ann Taylor, etc) and move in to my grown-up-but-not-baller-partner wardrobe (theory, etc).

          3. FWIW, I think that BR and AT can be great places to shop. I’ve had luggage go missing and I know I can get a suit that fits me off the rack at BR and the wool pants are lined.

          1. 50? I know St. John is incredibly popular here, but it will forever and always be the domain of Emily Gilmore IMO.

            I saw a young 30-something crossing the street wearing St. John and thought she looked utterly ridiculous, like she was playing dress up.

          2. Agree with 50+ It’s gorgeous stuff but it always reads senior boss lady to me. And I mean senior is a positive way – as in experienced and high level.

          3. I am getting that new digit in a very few years and I still think it reads old. Is 60 the new 50?

            If St. John is old, what is in that paradigm but younger? Akris?

          4. I have a couple of Akris / Akris Punto jackets (but it’s hard to fill a closet — they can be all of the place sometimes or at least on ebay). I figured out my size via a lucky consignment find years ago and periodically check ebay for it (and some DVF non-wrap items that work for my shape).

          5. I’m surprised it comes off as old- there’s a black dress with notch collar I’ve seen all over pinterist that makes me drool, and it doesn’t look old at all.

    5. I have a similarly-styled top by Risto made of shantung silk and yes I wear it to work.

    6. I’m mid-30s and would wear this out to drinks or dinner with dark gray/black skinny jeans and black spike heeled sandals.

  5. I’m down 31 lbs and counting since Jan (yay!). I’m also in fertility treatments, so, god willing, I won’t be this size for a lot longer.. but it’s also been 18+ months so who really knows.

    I really need some better fitting clothes. I’m swimming in my size 14 dresses, and my 12’s are starting to feel big. I’m reluctant to take them in in case I balloon up after having a baby… but maybe that’s not something I should be taking into account right now.

    What would you do? Take in dresses or find new ones? If the latter, I’m struggling to find anything! Ann Taylor and Banana are 75% of my closet, but both appear to be in between seasons with big sales and very low inventory/sizes. I would love to have two more sheaths in my closest for under $200 (price point driven by TTC – I also have Boss, JCrew, Brooks Bros, Boden in my closet, but I’m conflicted about whether to spend more $$ at this point).

    2. Is there anything you like at NAS? I know it’s supposedly Fall clothes, but a lot of it looks summer-appropriate.

      I say buy a few things for where you are now. Otherwise, you’re waiting for your life to change. No guarantee when that will be or how it will change. Celebrate your current self!

    3. My tailor is good about telling me what can easily be taken in and what can’t. Perhaps pick a few dresses that you would want to keep wearing if they fit properly in and see what they say? Explain the situation and ask if they alter it in a way that can be let back out if needed.

    4. I’d buy slightly lower quality than you’re accustomed to for sizes you may be moving through quickly. Maybe shop Ross or Marshalls or thrift and just get a few items to tide you over.

      If you are flexible about not necessarily sheath dresses, I find ponte pencil skirts very accommodating to weight shifts. You can get a matching shell top and have the same effect as a sheath dress.

    5. Buy new ones but keep some old maternity friendly ones tucked away out of view somewhere.

      1. Wrap dresses! No need to spend much on these at all, just grab a few to tide you over, and they can be found just about anywhere.

  6. Does anyone have experience navigating the identity shift from thinking you don’t want kids at all to realizing that you might want kids with The Guy? I’ve always been in the never kids category and I feel like I’d be losing that piece of who I am.
    Backstory: LTR with guy who wanted kids, but I didn’t. Broke up with him for many reasons, including that. Currently in relationship with a guy who wants kids but in this case, I can actually see myself having kids with him. Except that I’ve never thought of myself as wanting kids, so the paradigm shift is throwing me for a loop.

    1. Yes. I don’t really have any advice but it is so weird. It also makes me irrationally angry sometimes because I know all of the smug “you’ll change your mind” people will know they were right. Or they may never know because we have been struggling to conceive and since we weren’t 100% must have kids people, we aren’t going down the IVF road.

    2. Been there. It took me 3 months to get over complete shock (I truly walked around thinking, “I can’t believe this”
      for 3 months), 6 months to become accustomed to my new thoughts and feelings, and a year to get really excited about it.

      As far as identity, I had major life shifts going on at the same time, so it just got wrapped up in the Me 2.0 roll-out. I imagine it’d be harder if you’re living the same life. Because of all the drastic changes in my life, old me feels like a hazy dream, but I did feel a bit like I wasn’t being true (?) to my old self, like I was cheating? on my old self. I don’t know, it’s hard to put a finger on it. Whatever the feelings were, they faded with time.

    3. It’s pretty normal. I wasn’t no kids but I never liked other peoples babies. I adore my own babies/kids but can’t imagine anyone other than DH as their father.

      You have to think of ‘mom’ as a role that you are adding to who you are, not something that takes away from your role as a daugher/sister/friend/aunt etc. Same way being a ‘wife’ shouldn’t take away from who you are, but still may require a lifestyle adjustment over being single because you make big decisions in conjunction with someone else.

      In terms of not losing your own identity, it’s helpful to keep up interests that you had before kids but accept that especially with the early baby/toddler years, there will be times that you chose sleep or family time. Life is full of different seasons and sometimes those season involve shifting priorities. We purposely keep weekends free of scheduled kids activities so we can be more spontaneous both as a family and individually. My own mom wasn’t a great role model so I’ve made a big effort to (1) keep up my own interests and (2) embrace sharing my interests with my kids.

      1. I’ve always known I wanted kids and I still don’t like other people’s babies. Now that I’m starting to seriously think about kids in the nearish-timeline, I find other people’s annoying children hilarious, but still not endearing. I do think babies are cuter than I used to, though.

        1. See, I loved other people’s babies until I had my own baby. And then it was like I was over it. Once I’d had a baby and gone through all of that, I just haven’t been that interested in anyone else’s baby. I find other people’s kids – like ages 4 to 10 – interesting, and generally like spending time with them. But babies, meh.

    4. Are you struggling with your own internal identity or having to change your stance externally?

      Be honest. Because the second may feel embarrassing, but will be over in a moment, and not something to stand in the way of a truly profound life decision.

      1. I’ve never been super open about my stance externally, so this is really an internal thing. If asked by people other than SO, my answer to “do you want kids” has always been “we’ll see when the time comes” to avoid the judgement that comes with answering “no.” That said, it’s always been fairly apparent that I’m not a kid person- I avoid being handed the babies passed around at family functions, and my brief stint into babysitting in high school/college was disastrous.

    5. Yup. I never wanted kids until I met my husband. I watched him interacting with his young cousins, and all of a sudden, a flip switched – my brain was like, “I want that!” Now we have two.

      It didn’t interrupt my self-identity too much, probably because I was in total denial about how much having kids would change my life. No regrets, though.

    6. FWIW, I still am not sure I want kids, but I have one. In negotiating our long term life, one of The Husband’s dealbreakers was that he wanted marriage sooner rather than later and a child. I wanted The Husband, so here we are. Deal has closed!

      Don’t get me wrong, The Kid is a treasure and I love him very much, but I would have fine in a child free life. And it definitely colors my relationships — but more with other people (i.e. the full time PTO moms in my area and the grandparents) than The Husband, The Kid and me. I found Ayelet Waldman’s book Bad Mother helpful because I finally found someone who articulately stated the way I feel about The Kid, parenting, and my career.

    7. To me, this sounds like smart self-preservation. Perhaps a small part of you didn’t really want to be with the last guy, but now that there’s somebody in your life who would make a good parent, that door is more likely to open?

      I think too many people have kids with people who make less than ideal partners or parents because they’ve always wanted kids. I’ve always wanted to have kids, but had nearly decided at certain points in my life that I’d better not because of my circumstances (with somebody who ended up being wrong with me, and then having a health scare early in my marriage that thankfully turned out very differently).

      And anybody who says, “I told you so” can shove it.

    8. I went through this. For me, a lot of “I don’t want kids” was logistical. I couldn’t possibly imagine a kid in the life I was then living. When things shifted around, and pregnancy/birth/recovery/raising a kid wouldn’t derail all the things I was working on, and I could ‘let’ myself want a kid, suddenly I really really really wanted one. Like we tried and didn’t conceive the first month and I was consumed with jealousy over pregnant women I passed on the street. It was such a bizarre thing to experience.

      Like Jamesina says, it sounds like it wouldn’t have been great for you to have a kid with the first guy, so it was smart for you not to ‘let’ yourself want it.

    9. I went through this – I didn’t want kids until last year, even after being married to my wonderful husband for over 7 years. He was fine with it (even though he wanted kids), and I envisioned the rest of our lives together working, living in a condo in the city with our dog, and traveling in our free time. Then, all of a sudden, last year my whole perspective changed and I realized that I wanted a family with my husband. Now, I’m almost 6 months pregnant with our first. Our parents were shocked because they didn’t think we were going to have kids – they knew I didn’t want them. I dunno, I don’t see motherhood as an identity shift but instead entering a new and exciting stage in my life – much like when I started grad school, got married, started law school, or started at my firm. I’ve been the same person throughout, just in exciting new circumstances. Good luck!

  7. If you were moving into a (starter) house with only one bathroom upstairs, would you rather have double sinks/vanities or a separate bathtub and shower? We are planning a reno and had originally been set on combining our separate tub/shower to make room for a second vanity, but lately I’ve been thinking how nice it is to have a tub for all the kids toys/products to keep them out of my shower. Though it’d also be nice to give the kids their own sink…

    Given the size of the house and makeup of the neighborhood, it will likely always be a house for young families with kids. Thoughts?

    1. According to House Hunters I’m in the extreme minority on this, but I just don’t understand the need for multiple sinks. Counter space, yes. Sinks? No.

      1. +1. I’d prefer a tub/shower over two sinks, but this is assuming a normal sized sink with room for a few things. I would rather a tub only if it meant the sink was some tiny unusable thing.

      2. +1

        It sounds like this isn’t a huge house, so two sinks seems a bit much. Like your rationale for the separate tub/shower.

        Then again, growing up we only had one bathroom upstairs, 2 adults, 3 kids. My Mom moved her make-up and personal items downstairs and used that bathroom for her morning prep.

      4. Same. We are currently renting a house with one bathroom upstairs. We share it with both of our kids. It has two sinks, and we only use one of them; right now the other is just full of extra toiletries.

    3. You NEED a tub and a shower if there is only 1 bathroom upstairs, particularly for resale. I don’t think you need to have 2 sinks. If 1 sink it should be a built-in with counter space around it, rather than a pedestal sink.

      1. Oh yes, I do not understand pedestal sinks unless you have a glorious house with lots of extra closet and cabinet space…. To clarify, we would make it a tub/shower combo, not just a shower. I have a 2 year old + 1 on the way and I definitely know the need for a tub!

      2. Ha! I have a 1909 house with pedestal sinks in both bathrooms. I’d love a little extra storage but the sinks are original and I’m not one of those people who can blithely get rid of original stuff

        OP definitely keep the bathtub. Houses with kids and meant for kids (your comment on the neighborhood) need bathtubs.

        1. She’s keeping the bathtub with both options – just trying to decide to do a combo or a separate tub and separate shower.

    4. My $0.02: Since there is only 1 bathroom upstairs, shower/tub combo and double sink/vanity. For all the kids stuff there are mesh bags.

      1. This. Separate tub/shower is a huge waste of space. Two sinks is so useful and practical.

      2. This. Also, it’s unclear if you are sharing the space with kids. The length of time for bath toys is pretty short. The length of time that you will have kid toiletries crowding your sink is much, much longer.

      3. We’re blessed with 2 1/2 bathrooms in our house, so we never had to share the kid bathroom. But I hate clutter, so we had mesh bags that hung on the wall from suction cups, and this thing called a “frog pod” that would let you scoop up bath toys and hang them on the wall in this plastic frog.

        One must in any kid bathroom, though, in my experience, is a hamper, even if it’s a small one in a cabinet. I’d have dirty underwear all over the bathroom if we didn’t have a hamper.

    5. I also don’t understand the need for multiple sinks (though I’m thinking just for my husband and myself – no kids). I’d rather have more vanity/mirror space than a second sink. We share one sink now, and maybe once a month do we have the problem of both wanting to use the sink at the same time. We do, however, *occasionally* fight for mirror space when we’re getting ready, so for us, that would be a priority over a second sink.

    6. I vote for tub/shower combo and two sinks. When would you ever need to use both the tub and shower at the same time, vs. a family of four all trying to get ready in the morning and needing mirror and counter space?

    7. We’re in this position and have a tub/shower combo and a vanity with two sinks. IMO two sinks are critical in the mornings when everyone is trying to get ready. You can also do a tub/shower combo that has built in storage for all the kids stuff.

      1. This. With two sinks/vanities you can store all the kids bath stuff in a container under the second sink so the bath/shower is free of kid toys.

    8. It sounds like you are sharing the bathroom with the kids. I’d definitely say 2 sinks and a combo tub/shower. Maybe make a game that your kids have to put away bath toys so you aren’t stepping on them when you shower?

    9. I would go for the separate tub and shower if your resale focus is on families with small kids. I think kids really need a bathtub, and adults really need a shower, and scrubbing the tub/shower combo every time a kid needs a bath is tiresome (I’m doing that right now and it suuuuucks). Parents of small kids can very seldom be in the bathroom at the same time, so a double sink vanity is not that useful. If your resale focus is on DINKS, then definitely go with the double sink vanity.

      2. Why do you scrub the tub/shower every time you need to bathe a kid? Growing up, cleaning day was once a week, although kids didn’t share the bathroom with parents.

        1. The bottom of our tub gets grimey from my husband’s and my feet when we use it as a shower, so I scrub the tub down before putting our 3 mo in there. I’m not a clean freak at all, but bathing my baby in a grimey tub appears to be where I draw a line.

          1. Is that a scrub extra rinse you do when you are done with the shower? Since the shower is still wet? Is the tub not draining quickly enough that the shower water doesn’t drain quickly enough and that’s what is causing the grime to sit around?

          2. Doing what to myself? I clean regularly, and it dries out in between uses so it’s not like it’s full of mold.

          3. I think the second Anon was intending to agree with you in your disbelief, Anon #1. The OP was advocating for separate tub on the grounds that it’s annoying to clean the tub every time you want to bathe a kid.

          4. I think she’s saying yes, seconding the question. God know to cleaning every time. And why would you do that to the person that said they did.

          5. This is why modern children are allergic to everything under the sun. Their environments are too clean and their immune system goes haywire.

        2. depends how you use it. If I’ve just shaved my legs I’ll definitely run extra hot water and wipe it out thoroughly with a microfibre cloth before I give the kids a bath to make sure it’s decently clean for them to sit it. Cleaning solution/proper washout is a weekly thing in addition to bi weekly cleaners.

        3. I definitely don’t. Sometimes I spray scrubbing bubbles into the tub if it looks a little dingy.

        4. Method’s daily shower spray in eucalyptus and mint is awesome and keeps grime from sticking to the walls and tub, FYI.

          1. This is great to know. Cleaning the shower is my least favorite chore. And thanks everyone for the input!

      4. We have a tiny bathroom and seem to have all 4 of us in there at once at least daily. I would get one with two potties if I could. Only slightly kidding.

        2. I’ve seen a handful of mcmansion master bathrooms that have his and hers toilet closets, of course in addition to the separate his and hers vanities. On one hand, I can’t even imagine that level of extravagance, but on the other hand, that’d be kinda nice wouldn’t it! Ha!

          1. Oh, you just reminded me that a friend of mine has that — his and hers toilet rooms. It’s great but a tiny bit odd because their master bath is bigger than their bedroom! #priorities

          2. If I could design a custom master suite and not worry about resale value, I think the master bath AND the master closet would be larger than my bedroom. I want a cozy bedroom where all I have to do is sleep and there’s no room for anything else. All I need is a bed, a couple of nightstands, and enough room to walk around. But I want a master bath with 2 sinks and a stand-alone shower and a jacuzzi tub and at least one toilet closet. I also want a master closet with enough room to store everything and get dressed in (really a whole room used as a closet).

            That description is so far from my reality right now, but a girl can dream.

        3. I knew someone that had an extra toilet in the unfinished basement. Not a bathroom. Just a toilet, plugged into the piping. It was an otherwise 1 bathroom house with no good space for a second. They installed an emergency toilet. It was the weirdest thing but brilliant at the same time.

          1. This is a Thing! Goo gl e “Pittsburgh Potties” – they are so common where I live. Also hilarious. People renovate around them, but in our college homes, they were still standalone toilets. So many funny memories of walking in on someone using it! It’s a hilarious sight to see a dude sitting alone on a potty in the middle of a room. So embarrassing, so funny!

          2. My brother’s house has that too! A toilet in a corner of the basement with just a curtain in front, and you wash your hands on the other side of the basement in the laundry sink.

    10. I love having a separate bathtub and shower. Nice shampoos and stuff are out of reach of the kiddo, I don’t have to step on ducks while I’m showering, etc. Also, because the tub isn’t doubling as a shower, there’s no enclosure to mess around with (a curtain or a sliding door) when I’m sitting by the tub bathing the kid.

    11. I hate hate hate cleaning tub/shower combos. I also hate showering in them, and I especially hate shaving my legs in them. There’s no room to move around, shower curtains don’t prevent water from getting everywhere, and my daughter got horrible yeast-diaper rashes unless we cleaned the tub before each bath.

      When house hunting, I preferred separate tub/showers and didn’t care about the number of sinks. We did buy a house with a tub/shower combo with a plan to remodel though. We turned a closet into a separate shower, and its so much better than the tub. I shower my 2 year old daughter (both the tub and the shower have wands in them). We also have 2 sinks in our bathroom, but I think we could get by with only one. Its very rare that both sinks are in use. We only need a sink for washing hands, brushing teeth, or when my husband shaves.

    12. Sharing a sink getting ready in the morning is something my husband I did while in school. Leaning over my husband to put in my contacts while he shaves, or him leaning over my to fix his hair while I put on mascara is not optimal. Other couples have to feel this way.

      I don’t understand the need for a bathtub (our master bath does not have one), but I do understand resale is harder without one. Other people must like or want them! (And yes I have kids. I bathed my little ones in a blow-up tub we filled in the shower because it is easier to wash a kid in a walk-in shower than kneeling over a bathtub. I showered with my kids until I was confident they could safely shower on their own. They never took baths. )

      But anyways, if this is an only bathroom, I would do a combo shower tub and two sinks. That covers everything.

      1. Good point. I did vote for one sink assuming you had the counter/mirror space for two people to get ready at once. Sinks don’t get a lot of use, but counters and mirrors sure do.

      2. Same here. We only have a standing shower in the master bathroom and I love it. Kids were bathed in a baby bathtub on the ground until they outgrew it. Now I stand outside the shower and monitor while they play around (ages 3 and 4.5 yo).

    13. I’d prefer a separate tub and shower, but that’s because I take baths and my husband takes showers. If we’re both leaving the house around the same time (which isn’t the norm, but happens several times a month), I can run my bath while he’s taking a shower, and one of us doesn’t have to wait for the other to finish.

      I once had a condo with a really long counter by the sink. It was originally set up for double sinks, but the owner before me took out one of the sinks and replaced the top with marble, so I had a lot of extra counter space next to the sink. The mirror was long and ran the length of the entire counter. The whole under-sink cabinet unit also ran the length of the counter top, so I had a lot more usable under-sink/under-counter space to store items. This makes a lot more sense to me than double sink bowls in the same amount of space.

  8. Things I can say to a technical contractor who should be treating me like a customer but I find very patronising. He continuously is talking over me, mansplaining and treating me like I am stupid. Technically competent, and hired directly through a 3rd party contract so I cannot dismiss/remove him from the jobs. He doesn’t talk to my male counterparts that way. Could be a cultural barrier (he is from Eastern Europe) but I don’t think that is an excuse.

    I’m with this guy for one more day, and cross paths maybe 2/3 times a year. Next time he does this, what should I say?

    1. That’s ridiculous.

      The most luck I’ve had with those sorts of situations is being “vouched” for by a man. I know it’s stupid and shouldn’t work, but when a (junior to me) man responded to jerk “Actually, that’s more in Cornellian’s court. I work for her.” it has worked.

    2. Who can fire him? I would speak to that person about the inappropriate behavior.

    3. Take any opportunity you can to school him. Cut him short when he mansplains with a quick, “I know all that, what I need from you is ___.”

  9. I have a friend who I have known my entire life. We have always been very close, but the friendship has always had an undercurrent of toxicity (competition, negativity, fighting – basically like sisters with an edge). For years, I’ve considered pulling back and spending less time with her because it just isn’t good for my mental health, but then whenever I really start to do that, it seems like things pick up and become a lot less toxic for months at a time (so I’m left remembering all the good stuff and feeling like I’m overreacting for ever wanting to step back). However, this process has been going on for literally 10 years, and I’m starting to think that it’s time to get serious about protecting myself and cultivating positive friendships. The problem is that I’m a bridesmaid in her wedding next year (basically the head bridesmaid since she wants her mother to be MOH). I don’t want to back out and I definitely won’t, but I feel like it’s kind of disingenuous to play-act at “BFFs forever” through the wedding and then pull back afterward. Thoughts? Has anyone ever managed to steer a toxic friendship into non-toxic waters?

    For the record, I’m pretty sure she has similar feelings – not as often as I do, most likely, and she has always tried to bring the friendship back from the brink before, but I just get a sense.

    1. Post wedding will actually be a natural time to pull back as she will be settling into life with her new husband. First year of marriage can be stressful time so I’d do a slow fade over a few months after the wedding. Basically reduce amount of interaction so she’s more of an acquaintance.

    2. How soon is the wedding? Assuming it’s not super soon (like, in the next month or so), I think you should probably talk to her and offer to step down (and offer to reimburse her for any money she’s spent on you that can’t be refunded, if there is any – I assume a dress can be returned and a bouquet order can be canceled). I had a friend that agreed to be a bridesmaid for me although it’s clear to me now that we weren’t nearly as close as I thought we were. I guess the stress of having to be pretend BFFs during the wedding was too much, and she inexplicably cut me off soon after the wedding (multiple mutual friends have confirmed that I didn’t do anything horrible to her and wasn’t a bridezilla). It’s painful to see her in all my wedding photos and I don’t know how I will explain to my kids that one of my four bridesmaids is someone I no longer even exchange Christmas cards with. I know people drift and friendships evolve over time, and if you simply said you wanted to cool off the friendship a little and not be BFFs anymore, I wouldn’t say you should drop out of the wedding. But if you really want to no longer be friends and plan to communicate that to her soon after the wedding, I don’t think you should be in the wedding.

      1. This is why I chose to have only my sisters stand up with me on my wedding day – I had looked at so many people’s wedding photographs and heard “Oh yeah, that’s Debbie who I went to university with, I haven’t spoken to her in 15 years”.

        1. Good choice. I’m still friends with both of my bridesmaids, but I was in the wedding of a friend who quit talking to me (for no reason I could ever identify) about a year after her wedding, and I’ve never spoken to her again. That was 20 years ago I’ve wondered if she displays pictures of her wedding with me in them.

        2. Yup I only had sister and SIL and it was the best wedding planning decision I made.

      2. I definitely won’t be cutting her out entirely – I don’t even want to do that. I just want to reduce our current text-every-day level of friendship to something more manageable/something that leaves more room for me to cultivate positive friendships. I’m not my best self around her and I don’t want to bring her life down either. I’m sorry about your friend.

      3. Whoa. I don’t think your kids will have one thought about the people in your wedding. Probably once in their entire lives, they”ll look at the picture and say “who’s that, mom?” and you’ll say “oh, it’s X, one of mom’s friends back then.” the end. No angst, no excruciating awkward silences.

        Just be the bridesmaid, see it as a cool capstone to your friendship, and then let it fade naturally during her first year of marriage. Friendships ebb and flow, there’s no need to act like being a bridesmaid is some sort of guarantee of lifelong commitment.

        1. This. My mom is close with 2/3 bridesmaids. The other one was ‘a friend from university’. Never thought to think twice about the fact that they didn’t stay in touch very much. It happens. Not every friendship is lifelong and that’s okay.

          1. +1. That being said, my mom’s bridesmaids were all her sisters. And not even all of her sisters (she had 6 sisters, but fewer bridesmaids, if I recall).

        2. Yep. I had four of the five bridesmaids from my first wedding (33 years ago) at my recent wedding, and I thought that was phenomenal. Number five is long out of the picture and I’m not super close with the rest of them. And strangely, both bridesmaids from wedding no. 2 (18 years ago) are out of my life completely. Things happen and, as the poster above says, that’s okay.

        3. I thought the same thing — definitely overthinking and worrying too much if the OP is envisioning what her future children will think. My take is that they won’t care. Then I saw lawsuited’s reply.

  10. Has anyone bought a wedding dress at BHLDN? How does the sizing run? My engaged sister is plus size and I’m trying to get a sense of whether it will be a good experience for us to go shopping there (i.e., I don’t want their largest size to run small on her – she would find that embarrassing).

    1. From what I remember they have garment sizes vs generic sizing on their wedding dresses. I would get her measured up and compare with some of her favourite picks.

      I looked at their dresses 18 months ago, and I am a cusp size and would have struggled to fit into many.

    2. BHLDN sells a number of brands (it’s not a store line), so the sizing depends on the brand of the dress she likes. They have a pretty detailed size chart on the website for each dress – she should check there to see if the would fit her. Samples come in 4’s and 12’s to try on. If she is a 16 she is probably fine.

      1. Yikes, she’s a 14-16. I’m not sure a 12 would work. Maybe I’ll try to talk to the stylist in advance.

        1. It’s a street size 12 (not a bridal 12), so she can definitely fit into the sample if she’s only a size or two bigger. They have a larger sample than most bridal stores, which is usually a 10. I was an 8 and I fit into the 4’s. You would want to check the size range, but I recall some sizes coming in an 18 and even in the smallest brands, I was only one size up from my street size.

        2. She will probably fit into them because they list them in street sizes,not bridal. I wear a street 2 and they measured me to order 00/0 in all of dresses. I went with a different dress, and I measured for a bridal 4/6.

          1. Also, there will be room for comments when you book the appointment since they had a fairly detailed questionnaire online. Mention your concerns, and maybe give her measurements?

    3. I’m a size 16, and while have not bought a wedding dress there, I have tried on bridesmaid dresses there. I found many of their dresses to run small, particularly in the bust (I’m a 38DD). I don’t think UO/BHLDN/Anthropologie are the most forgiving when it comes to plus-size women. I also found most of the dresses to be cheap-looking, and poorly constructed.

      I agree with techgirl. Compare your sister’s measurements with their size chart, and see if it would be worth your time. I suspect your sister might have a more positive experience trying on dresses elsewhere.

      1. +1 A friend chose bridesmaid dresses from there thinking that it would be fine because I’m a 16 and the sizes go up to a 16, but the particular dress she chose fit small and there was no bigger size to exchange it for so I had to embark on a ridiculous and expensive tailoring mission in order to get it to sort of barely fit (because asking that everyone eat the cost of their dress and buy another one that would also fit me because I was too fat for the original dress was just too, too much for me).

        It would be awful for your sister to try on a size 12 sample, fall in love with the style, order the dress in a 16 assuming that it will fit only to have it be too small when it arrives.

        1. And this is why I chose bridesmaids’ dresses from David’s Bridal. They’re not the most fashionable, but they have a range of sizes so everyone can find something. Also, they are cheap enough that you don’t have to pretend that this is the one bridesmaids dress that everyone will definitely wear again.

    5. I don’t think they have a wide variety of sizes available to try on… but I went on the Upper East Side, so maybe that was a demographic thing.

    6. I am a street size 14/16 and just bought my wedding dress in the last couple of weeks. I only made appointments at bridal salons that made clear they had a bigger range of samples to try on. You have no idea what a relief it is to be able to try on dresses that fit over your hips instead of squinting really hard at a dress and trying to imagine it on your body. If the website isn’t clear (or if there aren’t reviews on WeddingWire or the Knot), I’d call the location and ask what sizes their samples come in. I believe the BHLDN samples in the store near me were all 10s, and wouldn’t have worked for me.

      1. A great salon will work with you, even if they don’t have samples in your size.
        My salon work closely with smaller designers who can custom make dresses or mix/match shapes across their line. The team were awesome – they didn’t have the dress I wanted in my sample size but had a dress I could squeeze into in the exact same shape so I could get a better idea.

        I don’t know where you are based but I was also surprised at the range of options I had to try on at Kleinfelds.

        1. I bought a mermaid dress that is closely fitted through the hips. Zero percent chance I’d have bought that at a salon that has only sample size 10s, because I would never have been able to see what the dress really looked like on. (I measured into a bridal 18 in the Essense of Australia dress I bought.) Salons can make flowy dresses and ballgowns work in samples that are too small. It’s very hard to fudge a fitted dress.

    8. Just a suggestion to check out David’s Bridal if she hasn’t — their newest collections have some BHLDN-esque dresses, and I think they’re generally more stylish than they used to be, and carry a ton of sizes. I got a size 18 sample dress and tailored it down and it worked great.

    9. I bought a BHLDN wedding dress in size 14 four years ago. I found it was true to size, maybe just a tad too long (wore higher heels). Required zero alterations. it was also silk with a lace overlay and cleaned up fabulously with oxyclean. Bonus :)

    10. I ordered and returned a few online (pretty but just not quite right) and they seemed TTS/ consistent with the reviews. I didn’t go into the store though. Their returns were easy though – fast credit back to my account.

  11. How do I act around a friend who recently dumped me? She decided, long story short, that she didn’t want to be my friend anymore because of something exceptionally petty and now wants nothing to do with me. We share a lot of mutual friends and will be at the same wedding in a few weeks. I haven’t seen her since the breakup, and I’m debating how to even be around her. Part of me wants to ignore her completely, part of me wants to tell her to f* off for being so petty, and another part says just to be civil with a side of cold to be the bigger person. I have to go with option 3, right? Luckily, I rarely see her, despite having a lot of mutual friends, so this shouldn’t come up too terribly often – I’m just sad that this should’ve been a really fun event but now I’m second guessing even going. (Thanks for listening to me vent.)

    1. Treat her as an almost acquaintance – like it’s the sister of co-worker you who you met once at a Christmas party. Stick with polite innocuous conversation – discuss the weather, compliment the wedding etc. Ignore the dumping, she’s silly/petty and you can’t be bothered with it because you’re enjoying the event you’re attending.

        1. I’m assuming she’ll end up in a conversation scenario at some point given the mutual friends. Don’t want to just walk away if ex friend joins the group when mutual friends are chatting.

          1. I’d go with distantly polite. If you can drift to another conversation in a few minutes, do so. There’s no need to directly engage her unless everyone in the group greets her individually.

    2. I have been in exactly this situation and I am polite but don’t intentionally engage in conversation with her -so definitely option 3 but it’s petty in my head because I’m trying to give off the impression that I don’t need her and she doesn’t affect me.

    3. No. 3. Take the high road. Being cool but perfectly polite will make you the better person. As a silver lining, it will probably also leave her somewhat perturbed. There can be great satisfaction in giving a perfect yet cool greeting to someone who is being an a$$.

    4. Option #3 is the only way to go about it without her adding fuel to the fire of whatever she is telling people about you. Be the bigger person, don’t turn someone else’s wedding into an event where you air your grievances. It’s highly unlikely that anything would change even if you did confront her – it’s almost never worth it IMO.

      Compartmentalize and focus on celebrating your friend’s wedding. Do not let her ruin it for you! You are the only one who has control over how you react to her behavior.

    5. Not a ton of advice, but I’m in a similar situation. Found out someone I used to know quite well had unfriended me on Facebook and I wasn’t even sure why, until months later when I asked a mutual friend if he knew what happened. He didn’t have all the answers but provided some insight. I tried to let it go, because people got really annoyed with me for being upset. She’s allowed to do that, after all, and I shouldn’t care.

      Now that I’m about to move back to my hometown temporarily, where she still is, and I may run into her at a friend’s wedding in December, I’m not sure how this is all gonna go down. So I try to connect with her, hear her out, and try to mend things? Wait until we run into each other and feel things out? I plan on being polite and all, but I don’t anticipate this being easy.

      1. It’s only going to be hard if you make it hard. It doesn’t sound like she has any interest in reconnecting, so go about your business and if you run into her say hello and move on. The only person you can control is yourself.

    6. I just went through this at a recent event with a friend. It sounds like there will be many other people there. Keeping the peace is the best way to deal with it. Say hi, and then hang out with other people. Definitely don’t confront her at a wedding. (But if you really want to, find another place and time for a conversation.)

    7. Thanks, y’all. I like “distantly polite.” Completely agree that this wedding is not my day, and I’m not generally inclined to do anything to cause a scene or stir up drama, but I definitely have fantasies of telling her off and appreciate the validation not to do so. :)

      The whole situation just stings because it’s all fresh and SO unbelievably stupid. Don’t want to get into details on the off chance anyone I know reads this, but I think the worst part is that our friendship all these years clearly wasn’t as meaningful/strong as I thought if she dropped me like a hot potato over something so laughably juvenile. For years, we chatted daily, traveled together, talked through serious problems together, and suddenly, we’re done.

      1. This definitely doesn’t help now but when I got dumped by a friend in a pretty brutal way, and I came to realize that if she was the kind of person to do something so cruel, she wasn’t someone I needed or wanted in my life anyway. There are plenty of friends who are good friends and great people and won’t be garbage.

      2. One thing….

        In my experience, sometimes the “one thing” that leads to something drastic like ending a friendship is actually just the ?straw that broke the camel’s back. Could that be the case? Or possibly, a lack of understanding that something that seems small to you is actually a huge thing to her.

        So if there is part of you that wants to apologize or reach out and try to repair (and please forgive me if I am misreading this), just keep in mind that you may need to do some deep reflection and think about the big picture.

        But, you never really know what is going on with other people. Maybe she is cray or totally unreasonable or going through something ?bad right now that is coloring everything because she is unhappy.

        Maybe I am posting this because it has been striking to me lately how many posts have been about friendships, in negative ways. Several about long term friends, that are actually “frienemies”. Just something to think about. You don’t want that to be you….

        1. Yeah, I’m in the position of having dramatically ended a friendship recently when I’d intended to slow fade on the person instead. The thing that “ended” the friendship probably seemed like a really petty thing to her, but it was definitely symptomatic of a larger and more longstanding issue, in my view. I would be polite to her at the wedding and avoid making a scene, for sure, but if she’s not someone who enjoys stirring things up generally, I would also assume she may want space from you as much as you do from her.

          1. In reading the various “my friendship with X has become so annoying – how do I end the friendship?” and “I’m so hurt and angry because Y just ended our 15 year friendship and I don’t know why!” posts on this site, I often wonder whether X and Y are both readers and getting insight into their own friendship without realizing it.

        2. It’s possible that any of the above suggestions are accurate, but I have no way of knowing now. Regardless, I have zero desire to reach out or resume the friendship – that ship is long gone (per lsw above – I’m better off without her if this is the way she resolves conflict).

          I just thought this “friend drama” ended after high school. Decades later, it turns out that assumption was wrong.

      3. I had a friend abruptly dump me during graduate school. It was particularly weird because she dumped two of our group of four close friends, and retained the third. The third person was put in a very awkward position, and the two of us who were dumped really spent time trying to figure out what had happened. We couldn’t identify anything, and the other woman who was friends with all of us really didn’t know either.

        It’s now ~15 years later and I’ve run into her a number of times in professional contexts. I just act like she’s someone I knew a long time ago and politely inquire about her family and have 30 seconds of conversation with her. She warmed up to me considerably the last time we crossed paths, but NGAF was really the only strategy for the first few awkward times we met up. It’s her behavior, not mine, that create the situation (as perhaps there was some shared trait of the dumpees that she could no longer cope with, but what was it? Who knows.)

        Just hold your head high, be polite to her, and don’t invest anything emotionally into the situation.

    8. In my experience, adults who will actually go to the lengths of “breaking up” with a friend and making it obvious (as opposed to pulling a more discreet slow fade) love drama and will be delighted to see you lose it at someone else’s wedding.

      I would try my hardest to act totally normal and like you’re having a great time when you see her. Don’t fawn all over her, but don’t snub her either. Just act like you would around anyone else that you know, but are not really friends with. Don’t pay much attention to her at all.

      In situations like this, the more you act like you are unbothered by this girl and her pettiness, the more you triumph. She did you a favor by “breaking up” with you, trust me.

      3. Yep!

        I found out that I wasn’t going to be invited to a wedding of someone who is my main core group of friends, and who I stuck by when she went through a bad break-up. I found out via someone who she has known for a very short period of time who assumed I would be invited. At first, I was hurt, then when I found out it was something I had said on a group text MONTHS ago, I found it laughable. It’s laughable to me because she has a master’s in counseling and is all about talking about feelings and yet couldn’t be bothered to tell me that something I had said hurt/bothered her. I saw her at a small group happy hour and acted like absolutely nothing was wrong, had perfectly nice conversations etc., and now she texts me individually about select things and acts like we are back to being good friends. I don’t care one way or the other whether I get invited to the wedding. I am so over weddings that if I never had to go to another one other than my own, I would die happy.

        TLDR; In a somewhat similar situation, I was the bigger person and it’s been interesting to see how that changed how she behaved towards me. I am detached from the feelings of it now and find it all rather amusing.

        1. Yes, this. First I was hurt, and now I’m just struck by how absurd the whole situation is. If you want to talk about what’s bothering you, then great – I’m all ears. If you want to just get huffy and break up with me for something silly without even having a conversation first? Ain’t nobody got time for that.

  12. Recommendations for your favorite activities, lodging, restaurants for a road trip through Germany, Austria, and western Czech Republic? I will be traveling with my parents in mid-October to visit my youngest sister who is studying abroad in Salzburg. Our planned loop takes us through Rhine Valley, Baden-Baden, the Black Forest, Bavaria/Munich/Dachau, Salzburg, Rothenburg, Nuremberg, western Czech Republic to visit some relations, and back to Frankfurt to fly home. TIA!

    1. Definitely hit up Freiburg, my favorite little city in the world. It’s great for walking around in particular – it’s not as jam-packed with tourist attractions as some areas. Go up to the Fernsehturm or ride the cable car to the Schlossberg or go on a hike. Definitely eat at Kartoffelhaus (potatoes galore in a fancy setting) and Euphrat for the best Doener kebab.

      Otherwise, I recommend the Burg Rheinfels for exploring a cool castle while you’re along the Rhein, Augustiner’s beer garden in Munich, the Englischer Garten in Munich, and Schloss Nymphenburg in Munich.

      Your itinerary is basically my dream for going back to Europe. Have an amazing time! Also, check out Rick Steves – you can watch episodes for free online and he has tons of stuff on the countries you’re going to.

    2. If you’re going to Vienna, I have a hotel recommendation for you. I didn’t love our hotels in Salzburg or Munich. I loved Munich. Stay away from the touristy heavy German sausage-based food, if you can. Go to Hotel Anna for drinks. Go to the art museums. Karstadt, the big department store, reminds me of the old huge downtown department stores of my childhood. Really fun. And their little cafe on the bottom floor had the most fabulous pastries (I bought two for the trip to the airport they were so good).

      There is also a Munich-based commenter here. She was an incredible help in choosing restaurants and our hotel. She also took us to Hofbrau Haus and showed us the ropes.

      1. Thanks to you both! Freiburg is on the list, we have ancestors who drove stagecoach through the Black Forest. Unfortunately can’t make Vienna this time, as we’re focusing on visiting the heritage

        Munich commenter, I hope you read this! I would love to connect!

        My family actually still makes sausage every year with 150+-year-old family recipes that came over from Germany, so I keep joking that this is going to be a rolling beer and sausage tour (insert laugh-sob emoji here).

    3. I libe in the Czech republic. Where exactly are you heading? In case you want some reco, let me know and I am happy to share.

      1. I have an uncle who has done a lot of research, and my mom is getting the information of the known relatives we have there from him, who he has met, but I’m not sure what town they live in. I do know we’d like to visit the birthplaces of my mom’s ancestors who married and came over to America. The woman was born in Holysov and the man from Celekovy, Zemetice. They were married in Lisina and lived in Pilsen, before they sailed out of Bremen, Germany to Ellis Island.

  13. I need some “Financial Planning for Dummies” guidance…I am seriously thinking about setting up an after-tax retirement account. I already max out my 401K and am pretty sure I will have the same/higher income when I retire than I do now, so I think this makes good financial sense. My question is…how do I practically go do this?

    Like, do I just call up Vanguard? Does it have to be “tied” to my 401K in some way (like how when I put too much into my current one, it automatically goes to an after-tax account)? Most of the articles online talk about the “why” but not the “how.”

    Related neophyte question – do I have to have a 401K? Can I change it to be after-tax only (not sure if that screws up my employer match)?

    1. Keep maxing out your 401k. You don’t know for sure that your retirement income will be higher and your 401k may come with an employer match that you don’t want to miss.

      For after tax investing just set up a regular brokerage account. It does not need to be tied to your 401k, and is probably better well-separate for record keeping purposes.

      You can do it through your bank (for instance I have a brokerage account at Wells Fargo, where I also have my checking account) or separate, like Schwab or eTrade.

      When you invest just be aware of expense loads for any mutual funds or similar you choose. I like to invest a small % of my money in individual stocks too, but your mileage may vary.

    3. I’m not sure I understand your 401(k) question. You don’t have to have one, no. You can put some of your 18.5K in after tax, but it probably doesn’t make sense. You should check with HR on the match question.

      As for investing beyond your 401(k), have you considered a backdoor IRA contribution? They may not be available for much longer, but if you google “vanguard” and “backdoor IRA contribution”, you’ll see instructions.

      In terms of taxable investing outside the tax-sheltered space, I would open a taxable account with Vanguard (some like schwab or fidelity more, but I love Vanguard), put 3K cash in there and buy a low-fee index fund (VTSAX is my vote). I’d get that small chunk in there and your account set up and then you can deal with more advanced topics. I put money in automatically to VTSAX and VTIAX (an international fund) every two weeks and take a look every quarter or so to see if I need to change anything.

      1. I had not considered the backdoor Roth, but this looks kind of perfect. I’ll have to do some more research. I do not qualify for a normal Roth. So if I have this right, I can open an IRA with any amount I want right now, roll it over to a Roth, at which point I am limited to the normal Roth annual contributions thereafter…although I guess I could open additional accounts and do the conversions again? This seems like such an odd loophole!

        1. Yeah, there’s constantly talk of closing it as a loophole in Congress. But it is only available up to the current IRA exempted amount, so 5,500.

          1. If you do this, can you still withdraw your contributions (but not the growth) before retirement age like you can with a regular Roth? I’m going with a smaller emergency fund and putting more in the market but we might at some point, pre-retirement, decide to use some of that money for something else and I’d want to be able to access it. Like you, I’m in the Vanguard Index Fund taxable account currently.

          2. Blonde Lawyer- I believe you cannot withdraw except in limited circumstances (first time home purchase, disability, in connection with military service or certain health expenses). It looks like otherwise it’s taxed as ordinary income and there’s a 10% penalty. It makes sense you haven’t paid taxes on the money yet.

          3. I thought with the back door you do pay taxes on the money because you are over the limit to deduct the tIRA contribution on your taxes. I guess I misunderstood the back door Roth.

          4. Sorry, I think you’re right, actually. I guess I assumed the more restrictive withdrawal terms (from a traditional, non-roth account) applied, but it seems like I was wrong.

        2. Yes, but talk to an accountant first. If you have any Rollover IRAs or other non-401(K) accounts, this can trigger some annoying and unintended consequences when you try to convert the backdoor IRA over. I looked closely at this a couple years ago, and it was pretty tricky (and not a good option for me since I’d rolled over a substantial 401K balance from a prior employer).

    4. Good job on planning and saving!

      I have Vanguard and did my after-tax account this way:
      *Decide on what investments and allocations you want
      *Log in to your current Vanguard account and click on “Open an Account” at the top and follow the instructions. You’ll want to select “General Savings” and “Individual” when about about what you’re investing.
      *Then pause and call Vanguard and explain to the agent that you want to transfer funds from your bank to fund this new account. They’ll help with that part.
      *Finally, you’ll be able to apply your investment decisions when the money arrives.

    5. After-tax retirement accounts are typically referred to as Roth – that’s what you are referring to, right?

      You can do Roth contributions in a 401k, if that is an option in your plan. It’s not always available. Your employer match continues to be pre-tax, I believe, but your employee contributions are post-tax/Roth. 401ks are typically considered better than IRAs because you can contributed more per year (18,000 vs 5500). But you can also do both at the same time.

      You can also set up a separate Roth IRA, which is in no way connected to your 401k. 401ks are employer sponsored plans so the employer is involved in the management/selection/fee payment of the plan. IRAs are opened and managed by the individual (you). You can choose where you want to open the account, which may or may not be the same institution running your 401k. So, yes, you can just call up Vanguard (or whoever) and say you’d like to open a Roth IRA.

      1. +1 I had a Roth 401k at my last job; employer match was pre-tax and when I left the company and rolled it into a Roth IRA I was taxed on the employer contribution portion.

  14. I posted a question a few weeks ago about being named a plaintiff on a case despite my vehement objections and did what you all suggested: contacted the lawyer. (I am very grateful to everyone who took the time to reply.) The lawyer has not taken any steps to correct the court records. I have never consented to this, I have never hired him, or authorized him to act on my behalf in any way. What do I do now? Do I contact the court?

    2. Definitely the bar/law society/whatever (whoever licenses lawyers in your jurisdiction). I sort of imagine calling a court in this situation would get some sassy person at the counter telling you they can’t give legal advice. Not sure what the court can do of its own volition. At least in my jurisdiction, I wouldn’t expect the court to take any steps to help you unless you brought a motion for directions or something.

      1. Agreed, whoever licenses the lawyer. If the lawyer isn’t a sole proprietor, the lawyer’s boss, perhaps?

    3. OP here. Thank you all so much for responding. I am very grateful for this community today and every day.

      1. I feel like, sadly, if you are not a lawyer yourself you are going to have to get a lawyer to go into court on your behalf with a motion to remove you as a plaintiff. And hopefully your lawyer can figure out some way for you to get attorney fees because this is just outrageous!

        1. Do you know who represents the opposing party? My guess is that lawyer would LOVE to know that you are an unwilling plaintiff and that plaintiff’s lawyer won’t remove you. If you can find out who that lawyer is, contact him or her.

  15. I have a simple graphics JPEG that I want edited — a “smiley face” behavior chart that we use for my kid. I want to make some minor changes to it like adding labels for the names of the days. Is there a place online that I could hire someone to make those sort of changes (or create a new chart that looks more like how I want it), like Taskrabbit for graphic designers or something? I’d be happy to pay someone $20-$30 to do it rather than try to figure out how to do it on my own.

    TIA for any thoughts.

  16. How does one actually wear a coat dress? Obviously Duchess Kate does it all the time and it looks awesome, but how does this work in normal life? Is it something you only wear for an outdoor-only event? Or is it just like a normal coat and you wear a shorter/slimmer dress under it ? It seems like it wouldn’t really work indoors too well because it would be too heavy and kind of look like you forgot to take your jacket off?

    1. I don’t think these work for regular American women. Female politicians and politicians’ wives, yes. Duchess of Cambridge, yes. Everyday woman, no.

    3. Coat dresses are usually made of a suiting fabric so not warmer than a suit and not something you’d feel the need to take off inside.

      I had a couple of coat dresses in the 1990s that I loooovvved and no, I never felt weird wearing them indoors. They were clearly dresses and no one was confused.

    4. It’s an outdoor thing. Often at these events they are back and forth between indoors and outdoors and they don’t want pictures of dignitaries fussing with take on and off coats.

  17. Auto Play advertisement alert:

    Opdivo on the right hand side playing a full 60 second commercial :)

  18. Hi everyone! Looking for recs for a House cleaner on the south shore of Boston (south of duxbury). Prefer somebody who is independent business owner so I know they’re getting a fair wage. TIA!

  19. Kat, you have a crazy ad at the top of the page that’s playing sound and making my scrollbar jump all over the place. Refreshing the page doesn’t help.

  20. Good morning! Does anyone have any recommendations or experience hiring a cleaning service in the NYC area? We are looking for someone and would really appreciate any recommendations or just information on how much we should expect to pay (base + tip). Thank you so much in advance!

    1. I’ve used a service called the Wizard of Homes before and was very happy. A little more than handy but much better, imo. They do post-construction clean up, deep cleans and regular cleanings and charge differently for each.

    2. We’ve tried a bunch and had the best experience with myclean. Not a great experience, but solid enough.

    4. In NYC, I pay my regular person $25/hr for every other week service. (4 hours each visit). Since this will be our first full year, I expect to provide a holiday bonus.

      I tried Handy, but their people weren’t great and stopped after one person broke my vacuum cleaner (miele!).

  21. My coworker who sits near me clears her throat every five seconds and I want to reach over and smack her.

    2. As the coworker with terrible allergies, etc., trust me, it’s far far worse to actually be the person choking on disgusting amounts of mucus all day long, no matter how many medications I take (and all the side effects they cause). Please have some sympathy!

    3. I feel you, but I also feel for the people who have to constantly clear their throats. It’s not a habit I have, I just swallow the mucus quietly, but it’s probably because I’m already a loud sneezer and if I also cleared my throat everyone would hate me.

      I also have to override my ingrained assumption that loud throat-clearing is always done deliberately as a passive-aggressive way to say “ahem, I see you! straighten up and cut it out this instant.” Too many movies I guess,

    4. I get it. I’m pretty sure you aren’t actually going to reach over and smack her, so I find no problem with venting about it here.

    5. A little harsh, no?

      Agree that it is probably a tic, if she is literally is doing this as frequent as you say. If so, it is likely very stressful and mortifying for her, so try to give her a break.

      And it could be worse….

      I worked in a laboratory where a couple post-docs were from a country where it was culturally appropriate to do massive clear-my-lungs-and-my-throat-and-my-nose-loudly and then dispose of the contents into the shared room sink. Next to me. In front of me. Big honkers. Just… nasty.

    6. I get it. I used to work next to that coworker too. I tried, tried, tried to keep a good perspective, and I knew she wouldn’t do it if she didn’t need to. But hearing it all day every day drove me nuts. I wore headphones a lot and used music to drown it out.

    7. Please, try to smack the GERD/tourette’s/allergies right out of her, that’s kind.

  22. Suggestions for an end-of-summer manicure color? For my office, brights are ok (like a coral, Cajun Shrimp, etc), nontraditional colors are ok (pale blue), but maybe a super bright super nontraditional color is too far (neon yellow, not so much). Any fun summer colors to recommend?

    2. I like coral or a pink so pale it’s almost cream. The latter makes your hands look tan. If you’re feeling glamorous, a fine shimmer gold looks fun.

      I’m going later this week, and I think I’m going to do a light coral.

    3. I’m so sad that it’s “end of summer.” Is a swimming-pool teal too out there?

        1. +1 September 20 is the Autumnal Equinox, which many consider the beginning of fall/autumn. Labor Day is Sept 4, which many consider the end of summer/beginning of school year for the kiddos. Weatherwise, most places will still be experiencing summer like temps well into September, and even sometimes October.

          So, OP, you could probably still get one more month of summer if you wanted.

        2. Even here in Chicago we have a good month (or more) of humidity and temps in the 80s+!

      2. Well, I get the powder manicures, and they last about a month. So the color I get this week will be on my nails until August 24, which is end of summer, or at least the time I transition to wearing fall colors in September. So, in my world.

        Thanks for all the great suggestions!

  23. I’m about to start a new job in a much more corporate environment than my last one. My last job was very casual (tech company), so I am transitioning from jeans and a blouse to a “business formal” wardrobe: no sleeveless, no open toed shoes, no skinny pants, no sundresses. I think I have it figured out for warm/hot weather, but I’m stumped on what to wear when it’s cold. For example, I have a couple wrap dresses that can be worn alone or layered with a thin cardigan for warm weather, but could I transition them to cold weather?

    Obviously a suit can be worn year round but I get toasty in suits, so I’ve been trying to stick to more separates. I have trousers, blouses, cotton cardigans, some cotton suiting, some wool suiting, short sleeved or sleeveless dresses…can these (with the exception of the cotton suits) just be worn in winter? What shoes do you wear in winter??

    This is a very new world so any and all advice is welcomed! And if you think I’m off the mark for warm weather, please advise as well! I live in the SEUS, so it doesn’t get colder than freezing.

    1. I tend to add cardigans or jackets, plus tights, in the winter. You might want to get some dresses made of a heavier fabric and/or with longer sleeves, too.

    3. Long sleeve dresses! When it’s cold-cold, add a scarf and tights. Booties or heels are fine with tights, as are some knee high boots.

    4. My winter go to outfit usually involves tights, taller boots, and an array of cardigans.
      Tights: I buy black, navy, and one unique texture or colour (like burgundy tights or heathered grey, small diamond pattern etc…)
      Boots: I like taller boots because my legs get cold…booties are ok in the fall and spring, but my toes/ legs are freezing in them, and I notice the difference when I wear booties …though booties do work when I wear pants (I have one warmer velvet pair of pants, but mostly wear skirts or dresses) La canadienne boots have this amazing warmth, and are actually too warm for fall, but work great over tights I colder temps.
      Cardigans: I’m addicted. I know jackets last longer, and can look more pulled together (to quote my mom, who tries to get me to buy more jackets…) but for me, layering cardis keeps me warm. I layer merino cardis over merino v necks= warm; I like longer cardigans over dresses and skirts. Beware though — a majority of cardigans, even good quality, will wear out quickly– I have paid lots for pure wool, and even with hand washing, many do not hold up.

    5. This is a late response but I find it much easier to dress business style when it’s cold out. Pencil skirts or sheath dresses with tights are by basics. I like mary jane pumps but you could also do booties if your office leans that way (you’ll find out after the first cold snap). On top, I love layering a merino wool shell under a jacket or a structured cardigan. Or a lovely silk blouse. Lots of black and charcoal gray. And all the scarves. All The Scarves. Yum.

  24. I’m pretty well-versed in personal finance, but haven’t dealt with kid/college savings before.

    I have a six month old, and I’d like to start saving some modest amount towards his education. I’m a firm believer in getting your own retirement set up before you throw money at your kids’ education, but I am comfortable putting in a bit of cash now. We live in NYC and itemize deductions. I have no idea what his interests will be, but he has no special needs, and I imagine will attend a domestic school at some point.

    Is the best bet in this situation opening a 529 at Vanguard?

    1. In NY, if you open an account through the state plan (see nysaves.org), up to $10,000 is tax-deductible for state income tax purposes annually. For now, I deposit $100/ month per kid and add in birthday/ Christmas money from the grandparents when they get it.

      1. Thanks, I hadn’t seen that before. I guess I should take a look at the fees charged. There is definitely appeal for me in keeping all my (non-401k) accounts at one place with one login, though…

        1. That’s what I use (also in NY). They have Vanguard target-date funds as investment options. Not as good as the ETFs and setting the asset allocation manually – but definitely easy and I benefited from the tax savings.
          I didn’t compare it to going direct to Vanguard, but it seemed like a good platform compared to options offered by other states.

    2. I believe, but may be wrong, that whether a 529 is the best investment tool for you depends on whether you have state income tax or not. If you are in a tax free state, there might be little benefit and restrictions on how you use the money. You might be better putting it in a traditional investment account.

      1. Agreed. Since I’m in NYC and pay state and local income taxes (and will be itemizing for the foreseeable future), I think the tax benefit is there. Since we may at some point move to a state that doesn’t let you deduct contributions, it seems all the more important to start saving now, I think?

        1. Yes, you should do this. Don’t overthink it! Even a modest amount monthly will grow over time and can be used for books/computers etc if your kid happens to get an all expenses paid scholarship (jk). See savingforcollege.com website about everything 529 but I’m in NY too and just do the NYSAVES account recommended above. It’s tax deductible to $10K per year if you happen to have enough to fund that amount.

      2. But I thought capital gains for 529s are excluded from state and federal income upon withdrawal for qualified purposes? That’s a pretty big benefit (I hope I’m not mistaken!).

        1. I think you are right! I was thinking too much about the immediate benefits.

      3. The state tax deduction on the contribution is a negligible benefit. The real value in a 529 is that growth is not taxed at the federal level or the state level (most states don’t tax withdrawals even if you open the account in another state’s plan). There are restrictions on how you can use the money, but I strongly second the recommendation to check out the savingforcollege site.

  25. New Tampanian here with a random bra fit q.

    I am wearing a love Vince Camuto dress from NAS (the tri-color one Kat recommended) and it’s great. Fits nicely and I feel like a bada$$ in it.

    One problem is that the outer edge of my bra cup is creating a line so that you can basically see the outline of the cup. What is happening there? This happens and I keep forgetting to find a new bra (just ordered a trial on third love because it’s pi$$ing me off so badly today).

    My question is: is this a fit issue with the bra? Or is it maybe an issue with how I wash/dry the bra? (lingerie bag, regular cycle, hang dry). It’s almost like the edge of the cup kind of flips out. ARGH.

    I am going to be fidgetting all day. Damn it.

    1. How old is the bra? I find that some bras just do that near the end of their lifetimes.

    2. It’s either the age of the bra, or you’re not getting a big enough cup to hold everything in. I don’t mean big as in letters, but big as in the shape of the cup. If you normally wear a demi, maybe try a full. If you normally get a wireless, try an underwire. It might just be that the bra shape isn’t working for your b00b shape anymore.

  26. I’ve been trying this internet dating thing and given myself a two date minimum rule for anyone who didn’t immediately click but didn’t specifically not click either. If date 2 didn’t work out, how do I nicely say I don’t want to see this person again? All communication is via text or an app. I know I’m overthinking this, but I’m terrible at this whole dating thing. Do I wait and see if he suggests doing something again? Or preempt that possibility with a message?

    1. Text some variant of “Thanks for doing X with me. I had a great time, but didn’t feel a deeper romantic connection. Good luck in your future search!”

      1. I never pre-emptively sent a response like this unless they texted me again. If there was no click on the date and neither of us initiated contacted again, I thought that was fine- no need to say anything further and no need to add the sting of rejection when it’s just a mutual non-starter. If they text/message you I would send some version of the above.

    2. I always use to send a preemptive message and say, “Thanks so much, I had a nice time, but I don’t see us going anywhere romantically / I’m just looking for that spark / I don’t see us as a couple. Good luck out there.” Hard to do the first time, but it gets easier.

    3. Wait and see if he suggests doing anything together, then come up with a stock reply. I always used, “Thanks for the invite, but I have to decline. I’ve enjoyed the time we’ve spent together but unfortunately I don’t see potential for anything long term, which is what I’m looking for right now. Best of luck!”

    4. If he doesn’t suggest getting together again at the end of the second date, and you don’t hear from him fairly soon after it, I think you can assume it’s a mutual non-click and feel free to move on. But if he does reach out, then I think you should be direct.

      I’ve had maybe one guy affirmatively reach out to tell me he didn’t think we were a match. I guess I appreciated it – he was pretty nice about it, and I wasn’t into him, either – but it can feel a little presumptuous. (I also had someone tell me he didn’t think we had chemistry after I reached out to him, and now I’m a little skeptical about telling someone you didn’t have chemistry as a way to let them down “easy.” It’s definitely direct, which I appreciate, but rejection still stings!)

    5. Wait and see if he suggests something. Then reply nicely. I’m pasting in a reply someone posted here in 2013 (I emailed it to myself) that worked well for me. “You are a great guy and you deserve someone who is crazy about you. But I just don’t feel a romantic connection. I had a great time meeting you and I wish you all the best.”

    6. If I’m not feeling it at the end of a date, I say something along the lines of “it was really great to meet you, thanks for taking the time, I hope you have a great week.” If you don’t express an interest in getting together again (but are still polite about it), 90% of the time they get the hint and you won’t hear from them again.

      1. The flip side to that is that if you ARE interested in getting together again, make sure you say that, and not the “it was great to meet you” with no follow up about getting together again.

    7. Man, I must be a real wuss. I used the “I’m sorry, I’m just so busy at work right now” line. For what it’s worth, it’s true I have a crazy job. I feel bad but I don’t know if could bring myself to be honest. Personally think I would rather hear a bs I’m busy excuse, but again maybe this is just me.

      1. This is what I was getting at up above. I think I’d rather hear some variation of “it’s not you, it’s me” than “uh, I really just wasn’t feeling you.” It spares my (apparently very fragile) ego a little.

        1. I’m the opposite. I very very much appreciated the honest vs. the weak excuse which left me hoping that perhaps they would have more time in the near future, or whatever the thing they threw up would resolve itself and we would resume going out on dates.

          There is no way that everyone I meet is going to like me, or want to kiss me, or want to keep going out on dates with me, and that goes the other way too. That’s okay!

      2. See, I think that’s rude. You’re implying that you do want to go out, just not right now, and are giving them a change to reach out to you again when you may be less busy. It’s more considerate to be honest and straightforward. Maybe you feel awkward being truthful, but after two dates you can just text. Minimal effort.

  27. Was there some memo this weekend that all women were supposed to wear black teeshirt dresses with topknots? I swear I saw at least ten other women wearing the exact same outfit as me on Sunday. It was funny, then got to be a little embarrassing, then got ridiculous.

    1. I don’t think you’re in my area, but that’s exactly what I wore yesterday! Down here it’s so hot that a t-shirt dress and top knot is the only way to make leaving the house bearable.

    2. Sounds like the beginning of an alien invasion movie. That’s what they thought Earth women wore, so they took on human form and adopted that look. If I were you, I’d stay away from suspicious-looking craters for a while.

  28. I’ve been like MM LaFleur for work but I need a one stop place for classic casual wear now. I’ve thought about Everlane but haven’t tried it yet. Any others that come to mind? Wishing MM had a weekend section.

    1. For me it’s Lululemon. But I live in FL and athleisure is considered classic casual wear here.

  29. So a friend kind of dropped me about 3 months ago. We had been text-every-day friends, then she said something hurtful, I didn’t respond, she apologized, and I said “thank you for apologizing – I appreciate that.” and then just like… silence.

    However, well before this, she decided to have a milestone party that will cost a decent amount of $ to attend. I said I would go before knowing the cost (but also at the time this was the kind of friendship where I would be willing to stretch to make it work). She said by email to the group, “it’ll be $5x” and I wrote back to her alone, “for you I can make this work, but if it could be fewer dollars that would really help.” So now it’s like $4x.

    A week ago I texted saying that I couldn’t come to the thing any more, because of the money. (Truly, some shakeups in my life have made money much tighter.) She said, “OK that stinks because now everyone else will have to pay more.” Figuring, ‘why not?’, I brought up the fact that we aren’t really friends any more. We sort of hashed out that aspect… she said she felt like I wasn’t being a good friend to her, and insists she didn’t drop me because of the hurtful thing she said. We are back to texting with a bit more regularity, but I still feel kind of gun-shy about the whole thing.

    So the Milestone Party is this weekend. I really don’t want to go. I don’t want to spend a weekend away from my family being awkward with someone where I’m not sure where I stand. I am debating going for one night, but then I think she’ll just be disappointed that I’m half-assing it. I don’t want to spend the money. I think that if you plan a party that people have to pay to attend, and you drop a friend between planning and the party itself, *you* eat the cost (but I’m also willing to hear that I’m wrong). I really resent that it will be a Big Effing Deal if I don’t go — and somehow that makes me want to not go even more. I don’t want to torpedo the whole relationship, but maybe I do?

    Thoughts?

    1. Ugh.

      You have to go, of course.

      Let me just say this…. as someone who used to be the organizer, it drove me crazy how many people waffled on their commitments. I spent hours and hours researching/visiting/reserving/calling etc…… It really does affect everything that everyone else pays and sometimes rooms etc… If you can’t afford something, you should say that up front and not go. You have now committed and it would be rude to every single person attending for you to blow it off now and make everyone else take the financial hit.

      And drop a friend? Aren’t you being a little bit melodramatic? Why weren’t you calling/texting her over those 3 months? You blew her off too, it seems. Obviously I don’t know your history or what the rude comment was she said. It sounds like you guys also recently mended fences, and this big event may help you get over this slump. Or at least, decide if you want to distance yourself from this friend.

      1. Yeah, you’re right that I at least have to send the money… though honestly I feel like if I’m torpedoing my budget, can’t I at least stay home with my family, and not also have to buy drinks and share bathrooms and blah blah? I know the answer to that is ‘no’ too.

        In my defense, I did reach out to her a couple times, like sending her a link to something we’d both like, like, “hey this reminded me of that thing you said!” or whatever, and I got back one-word answers that made it clear she wasn’t interested in talking.

      2. No I’m being whiny. I think you’re right about all of it.

        Maybe I can pay the whole amount and just go for 1 of the 3 nights? Can she be mad at me for that? (She knew from the beginning that 3 nights would be impossible for me because I work 5 days a week.)

        1. No, unfortunately you can’t.

          It is too late to cancel for no real reason and make everyone else pay for those 2 nights. You would really be in the wrong then.

          Of course she can be really mad at you for that, cancelling at the last minute.

          And it is totally ok to be whiny/complain/have second thoughts. Just don’t do the wrong thing.

        2. Yeah, I know I have to pay the whole thing … just debating whether I have to be present.

          Thanks for saying it’s OK to be whiny! :-P Hopefully I’ll be less whiny by the time the party rolls around.

    2. Don’t cancel a week before. If she did something unforgivable, then yeah, cancel. But it sounds like you had a minor disagreement and it seems like such a dramatic leap to not want to be friends anymore. It sounds like you never really wanted to go, but didn’t communicate that and your feelings about that disagreement may be tied up in your resentment at saying yes to this trip. I think you should suck it up and go and have fun. Nobody likes a flake. If she did these milestone things for you, that makes it even worse to flake out on her.

      1. Yeah, the discussion above, about “are these people your friends or frenemies” and “what is the straw that broke the camels back” is definitely making me think. I suspect that on some level, before the hurtful thing was said, I wanted to pull back because of her general approach to things (the same approach that led to the hurtful thing). But you’re right. I’ll be sucking it up.

    3. I confess I do not understand hosting a party that people have to pay to attend. But, you committed to going, and not following through on that will have repercussions for your friendship and for other people involved.

      I do understand your reluctance to attend, however.

      Perhaps there is a middle ground where you find yourself “unable to attend” at the last minute but cheerfully pony up your share of the cost (outwardly cheerfully I suppose). You are entitled to change your mind but it seems dishonourable to me to back out on a commitment that you made just because the landscape has changed somewhat.

      If you don’t go and don’t pay your share I think you have to live with the fact that this WILL be a big deal to your friend (former friend?) and to other people. I would think that both host and guests would be justifiably annoyed at the very least at this approach.

      1. Yeah I sort of think that… like if I were the host (I would never be, because I would never ever ask a bunch of people to drop $$$ to celebrate me?), and someone said they could no longer come, I would eat their cost [because it just costs $ to throw yourself a giant party], instead of spreading it to other guests… but now that I know that spreading it to other guests is the plan, I really do have to pay my share.

        1. When you drop out last minute you do kind of screw people over, though. Like if there were fewer people who told her that they were attending, then she would have gotten a smaller/cheaper house.

          1. Oh, I know that I would be screwing someone over if I did drop out — I just think that it’s the organizer, not the other guests, who should be getting screwed.

            But I am going to pay my share, because I said I would.

      2. I assume people are paying travel and lodging costs (perhaps a single cabin or villa shared among all guests which is why other guest’s costs will go up if OP drops out), not an admission fee to attend. The former is fairly common for Bach parties and the like.

        1. Yeah, she got a big house so her math is $TotalRentalCost/(Guests) = $CostPerPerson

          1. Yeah that’s totally common and in those circumstances I wouldn’t expect her to foot the bill for guests who drop out.

    4. This weekend? No. You bailed after committing, causing everyone else to pay more. Not cool. You can’t now waltz in for one night. I’d expect this to be an issue with her and anyone else going.

      1. Wait, you think I have to BE there all weekend in addition to paying the $ for the whole weekend?

        1. I don’t. Pay the money, don’t go, and realize that you don’t really want to be friends with this person and own up to that.

        2. If you want to be friends with this person, she’s right. However, it sounds like you hate them and it’s showing in your behaviour. I don’t get what you are trying to achieve here — if you’re going to sulk for a month, act like a flake, and then be upset about going on a fun trip with your friend, just torch the relationship with all these people and never plan to see them again. What do you really want?

    5. Why would the guest of honor pay for everyone’s lodging? Every time I’ve traveled with a group of women to celebrate a milestone occasion all the guests have split the cost of housing. If anything, the bride or birthday girl is often the one who doesn’t pay any lodging costs, although that is certainly much more common when there are 20 guests vs 5, because people are much more willing to pay part of someone else’s portion when it’s a very small share.
      I agree with everyone else that you can ditch the event if you pay your share, but I’m a little confused why you would expect the guest of honor to cover your share if you bail at the last minute without a good excuse. The only way this is weird is if it’s the organizer’s family vacation home or something and she’s asking her guests to essentially give her rent.

      1. Hmm OK, I can see that, though this is not like a bachelorette party that is thrown *for* her. She is throwing this event for herself, to celebrate herself. She’s the guest of honor, yes, but also definitely the host. I would expect her to cover my share (I mean, I don’t because she has said she won’t) because that’s absolutely what I would do in her shoes (and I would likely build into my budget the assumption that someone would bail or fail to pay me, because that always happens). But yeah, I’ll paypal her the $.

    6. I don’t know; friends understand friends’ financial challenges.

      Plus – what kind of trip is this for $5K a person? That’s super OTT and princess-y and “friend” ought to be covering the majority of it.

  30. Getting married in two weeks and I can’t stop having wedding dreams! Not nightmares, just my type A brain playing out the day. Last night, Mariah Carey sang our first dance. Ha! Needless to say, I’m not getting good sleep. No question; just sharing.

    1. Congrats! Which song? My wedding is in a year and I keep dreaming the getting ready time and enjoying the beach venue.

      Not that you asked, but melatonin an hour before bed has been the trick to get me to sleep when I’m deep in wedding or work planning. I like emergen-zzz dissolved in water, with chamomile tea and I am mostly ready for bed (no contacts, teeth brushed, etc) by that point.

  31. Etiquette question- is it still considered a faux-pas for men to wear hats inside the house?

    2. I think if it’s their own house, it doesn’t matter. Home is the place where you should be comfortable (short of truly harming or offending anyone present). My toddler wears his cap with abandon all day, every day. We do enforce a “no hats at the table” rule, though.

      1. And actually, upon further reflection, I don’t think it’s rude to wear a hat inside anyone’s house (again, unless you are eating or there’s some special circumstance). Generally, people have you to their house because they like you as a person and want to spend time with you and don’t really care what you’re wearing. It’s not rude for a woman to wear a hairband or other hair accessory.

        But I’m a millennial, so what do I know ;)

  32. What are some good resources for resume samples? Particularly for recent grads. Long story short, one year out of undergrad, really dislike my job (bad fit in terms of culture and actual day to day work). Looking to move to a different industry.

      1. I agree. I made mine in Word using her advice. There are a lot of downloadable free templates.

    2. Does your university have a career center? IME, they were very helpful with resume templates and career advice for grads and recent grads. Just please for the love of all the pizza in the world, if you are in the U.S./following U.S. hiring norms, keep it to one page if you are a recent graduate.

    3. Your undergrad may have resources such as resume samples that alumni have access to.

  33. Ladies, any advice on realizing that your new company is not a good fit for you culturally? I moved to a new in house position about 6 months ago and am realizing that this is probably not the right place for me long term. Is there a minimum amount of time you have to wait to start looking again (i.e., 2 years), or would other employers understand something not being a good fit? For the record, my previous employment history was very stable and in long-term positions.

    1. Unless you feel like you *have* to leave now, I would wait at least a year. That may also give you a better indication whether it will work long term. 6 months is still fairly early unless it’s seriously terrible.

    2. I think you get one “get out of jail free” card… and it’s okay to start looking for something new. Besides, you never know how long it’ll take to find something new.

      Just be sure you really do your due diligence on the next place– make sure it’s a good fit; good enough for at least 2 years.

  34. Does anyone have a rec on a reasonable cleaning person/service in the Houston area (central). I have a lady now and she’s perfectly nice, but she routinely forgets to do major items. Like one time she didn’t clean the downstairs bathroom for two cleans in a row because it’s rarely used, but should be cleaned more than once every 6 seeks. This last time, I don’t think she swept or mopped the main floor or stairs; there were literally hairballs floating on my steps from my pets. I’m tired of giving specific instructions on such basic things like “make sure you unload the dishwasher, please mop the wood floors every time you come”.

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