How do you deal with back-handed “compliments” in the office? Reader B wonders…
I am a 30 year old lawyer working in Washington, DC. My late 20’s/early 30’s professional female friends and I have experienced a strange and disconcerting dynamic amongst women in the workplace: getting negative comments from other women for being smartly/well- dressed. These outfits, I believe, would objectively be considered professional, age-appropriate, and well-fitting: tailored suits in feminine cuts, pencil skirts to the knee, or pumps with a modest heel. They would certainly be similar to those depicted on the Corporette website. The comments often take the form of backhanded compliments, such as, “That shirt makes you look soooooo thin.” They may also be cautionary, like “Wow, you had better be careful not to hurt yourself in those heels”. This feedback comes from women at a similar professional level and more senior employees. It most often comes from women whom are a generation older and seem to be, at times, more about our size and age than what we are wearing. It also seems to be more of an issue in government and non-profit environments, as we haven’t noticed it to be a problem in the private sector. How should we respond to this type of feedback? At what point should we give in to workplace pressure to dress in a more bland way versus continuing to wear clothing that makes us feel sophisticated and professional?
This issue comes up a lot, and as your friendly blogger I see both sides of it: the younger women wondering why these older women are giving them these back-handed compliments, and the older women asking me how in the world they tell someone they’re dressed wildly inappropriate for the office in a casual way. I’m curious to hear what readers think about this. [click to continue…]
How do you use friends of friends in your job hunt — whether through LinkedIn, Facebook, or just real life? There have been an number of questions about this lately, including Reader A, below… her friend may be starting work at a company with a great work environment and has offered to refer her for a position once she starts, but as Reader A says:
… after looking into the company a bit, I realized that company is co-owned by an acquaintance of mine’s, “Ann’s” father. I went to Jr. high through college with his daughter, we were on HS newspaper together and had the same major in college and were buddies, but not close friends. However, it’s been about 6 years since college and she moved across country so we’re pretty much just Facebook buddies. I would really like to ask if she could give my resume to her father as it could be very helpful in securing a position there, but I don’t want to seem rude. If she worked there, I’d simply pass it along to her, but is it inappropriate to ask her to give it to her dad? Also, should I have a specific position in mind or be open to anything (which I am? What’s the best way to ask her? Please advise me how to go about this situation!
This is a great question, because you should definitely ask. Sometimes a script can be helpful when approaching acquaintances with a favor of this magnitude, though, so here is what I would say:
Dear Ann — How are you? It’s been so long; I hope all is well. Your family name recently crossed my path while researching a company I’d love to work for — it turns out it’s your father’s company! Do you think it would be possible for you to introduce me to your dad via email? I’d love to get his advice for the best way to get into Office X.
A lot has happened on my end of things since our newspaper and college days — I’m sure it has for you too. I took my major in __ and worked at ___, getting really interested in __ specialty. On the personal side of things I have an apartment I love, an amazing cat, and I’ve recently started dating a great guy…. Are you still using Major __? What’s up with you these days? Would love to reconnect the next time you’re back in town…
So, to break it down, here’s my advice… [click to continue…]
By the time I started working in BigLaw, I’d had about seven jobs before that. For four of those jobs, my bosses were women; the other jobs (lifeguarding and two fashion magazines) were, well, not exactly testosterone-fueled environments. Everyone had called me by my first name, and we generally enjoyed a collegial atmosphere. However, when I started working at the law firm, I began to notice what felt like a very male-friendly environment. Nothing was sexist, per se, but it still contrasted sharply with the work atmospheres I’d known before, and made me feel out of place. (Pictured: Team jersey, originally uploaded to Flickr by nats.)
One of those things was being called by my last name. I’d always hated sports growing up (despite having, at various points, been a member of the tennis and swimming teams), and nothing annoyed me more than people saying “Let’s call Vogele” or “Whazzup, Vogele?” (As you may have guessed, my maiden name is Vogele.) What annoyed me even more about the last name thing was that it wasn’t men who were perpetuating it — it was women, who, I assumed, were trying to fit in with the old boys’ club.
At one point, in my first or second year, I was on a team of four female associates, led by another woman or two in charge of us — and yet we still all went by last names. One night, behind closed doors, I ranted to my good friend about it, going on and on about how much I hated it. Was I supposed to catch a ball sometime soon, or go long? (Alternately, where was my pipe, whiskey, and manservant?)
And she pointed out that two of the four of us had the same first name. Well…. FINE.
I’ve learned to live with being called by my last name only — but I’m curious what everyone else’s take on it is? Do you get called by your last name in your workplace? Does it seem like a part of the old boys’ club? Are there other little things that grate on your nerves?
How do you get any work done when your boss is a Chatty Kathy? Reader K is having some trouble adjusting to her new boss’s management style…
I have recently switched jobs in the legal profession and am having trouble adjusting to the management “style” of my new boss. My previous supervisor was a hands off type of person, to whom I spoke only sparingly when necessary.
My new supervisor is the total opposite. He is very chatty about everything under the sun and if I am not careful he will consume half of my time (literally) during a given work day to chit chat, mostly about non-work related topics. I end up zoning in an out of listening and am afraid I will soon start pulling my hair out due to the unproductive nature of our interactions!
I pride myself on being very productive and am having trouble adjusting. What advice might you have for my situation?
Wow — great question. I particularly see this management style more in smaller offices where everyone is friendlier just because they’re working in close quarters — but it can happen in big offices, as well. Especially when you’re the newbie, you don’t want to be unfriendly — but you also want to finish your work and get out of there at a reasonable hour. We’ve talked before about how to discourage chatty coworkers, but we haven’t really talked about how to deal with it when it’s your boss. (Pictured: Blah blah blah, originally uploaded to Flickr by theunquietlibrarian.)
[click to continue…]
When is the best day to email someone? Reader M wonders about this when she’s had a job interview and needs to send her follow-up email…
Imagine that I’m corresponding with someone about a job — potential boss, hiring manager, whomever. The ball’s been in their court for a week. It’s now Friday afternoon. Am I better emailing them today, or waiting until Monday? Or should I even wait until Tuesday, considering that Monday is a busy day?
In general, what day of the week do you think gets the most results? Or is it more the wording of the email that counts?
For my $.02, the simple answer is Tuesday or Wednesday afternoon. Pictured: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday… originally uploaded to Flickr by gak.
Here’s my reasoning: [click to continue…]
Reader L wonders how to stay friendly with people who compete for the same jobs she is…
I am about to graduate from graduate school in a professional field. My friends and I are all searching for similar jobs. How can we deal with the competitive nature of the job hunt, specifically in our field, without letting it get in the way of our relationships? I feel pangs of jealousy when a friend gets an interview for a job I applied for (a highly immature reaction, I know) and I’m sure I’m not the only one of the group to feel this way. I try to avoid discussing the job hunt, but it seems to come up in conversation regardless. Help!
We got into this a bit back when another reader asked about being competitive with her significant other, but I don’t think we’ve talked about it in the abstract. So let’s discuss. (Pictured: Gold, Silver, Bronze, originally uploaded to Flickr by TofflerAnn.)
[click to continue…]
