Business Etiquette

The Professional Implications of a “Naturally Frowny Face”

by Kat on 02/06/2012 · 168 comments

in Beauty, Business Etiquette, Career, Interviewing, Professionalism, Success

A recent SNL episode featured a fictional campaign advertisement for a mayoral candidate. The character, Glenda Okones (played by Kristen Wiig), listed her flaws, including her reputation for being harsh and cold. “Here’s why,” she said: “I just have a naturally frowny face. Not ugly, but certainly severe looking.”

Ah, perfect, I thought: an opportunity to talk about bitchface.

I’ll admit: the main reason we haven’t talked about it before is because I didn’t want to use bad words in the headline of the post! But I think this is something that can affect a professional woman’s career, and something we should talk about.

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When You’re Held Back Because You’re Too Good

by Kat on 01/10/2012 · 60 comments

in Business Etiquette, Career, CoWorker Problems, Success, Transitions

Have you ever been denied a promotion because you were too good at your current job? Reader N suspects this may be what’s at play at her workplace, and wonders what she can do about it.

I just read your article “Getting the Work You Want” and I wanted to ask a follow up question. I’ve found myself in a position of getting passed over for moving into a complex litigation team, despite having openly expressed my interest, and my superior agreeing that I would be better used in that area. (I’ve had this reinforced by rave reviews for my senior attorneys and from fellow co-workers who I’ve helped out.)

From what I can tell, it seems that my superiors (and theirs) place more value in the fact that I can manage my workload and simultaneously back up three to four people at a time. I’ve backed up coworkers in the complex team, too, but as for moving up with them permanently… nothing.

So what’s a girl to do when I have spoken up and asked… and nothing happens? Have I shot myself in the foot by having quality and quantity? Should I just take the rave reviews and recommendations and look for work elsewhere?

Fabulous question. There are a million reasons why people don’t get jobs and promotions — including not being right for them. That said, something I’ve seen happen is when a boss keeps a “good worker” in the trenches because his or her own life is made so much easier by the worker. The boss knows the job will get done, and done well. He or she doesn’t have to hire or train anyone new. It’s great! For the boss, that is. For the worker (which may be Reader N, here) you don’t grow at all. For a particularly selfish boss, he or she may also try to restrain you from working with other people, give you lackluster reviews or recommendations to keep you with them, and maybe even talk down to you to make you question whether or not you “deserve” better than your current job. (Pictured: Held back, originaly uploaded to Flickr by Matthew Wilkinson.)

This is one of the reasons why it’s so important to be the master of your own career. You need to be the one constantly assessing where you are — and speaking up until you get to where you should be, even if that makes you feel pushy. If you do find yourself in a situation where a boss is holding you back, in my opinion, there isn’t much you can do about it beyond getting away from the the toxic personality. And if that means taking a new job, so be it.

However, I would give every boss the benefit of the doubt — once. For example, here, Reader N says “from what I can tell” — N, have you spoken to your superiors about why you didn’t get moved to the area you wanted? This is a 100% valid question. Approach it with a learning mindset — be as far from “entitled” as you can be. Frustrated is fine — exacerbated even — but be careful about crossing into “angry and emotional.” Sit down with your superiors, show the different ways that you made your preference known, the positive feedback you got, and then express your confusion over the lack of movement that followed. I’d also ask when you can next expect to be moved to your preferred area.

Once you have their official answer, look at it objectively. Maybe you were lacking a certain skill. Maybe Person X had more of the skills needed. Maybe they wanted to keep you in your current department until a particular big project finished. Maybe a more formal process is required for a move like the one you want. Whatever they say, try to make sense of it. It’s still fair for you to get angry, and it’s still fair for you to look for a new job — but it’s also fair to say “Oh, that’s what happened,” and then sit tight until the next window of opportunity arrives.

Readers, have you ever been held back because you were doing too good of a job? What did you do about it? What is your general approach if you don’t get a promotion you’ve lobbied for?

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Exit Interviews: Leave With a Smile

by Kat on 12/20/2011 · 85 comments

in Business Etiquette, CoWorker Problems, Professionalism, Transitions

Reader J wonders whether she should complain about her rude and dismissive boss when quitting:

I will be giving my notice to quit my current job within the next couple of weeks, and I’m struggling with how much to say. On the one hand, I don’t want to burn any bridges. I have good relationships with almost everyone I work with, and I want to preserve those relationships. On the other hand, there is one partner who I work for that is disrespectful, rude and dismissive, and he is the main reason I’m leaving. Are people generally honest about that type of thing when they quit and do you recommend that I say something? Or do most people stick with a stock line – e.g., I learned a lot here but I got a great new opportunity.

We got into this a bit when we talked about how to resign gracefully, but I’m curious what the hivemind is on this one: should you tell employers the reason you’re quitting? (Pictured: Quitting time (lomo variant), originally uploaded to Flickr by greg.turner.)

I’m going to stick with my gut here and say you should resign with a smile and keep your lips sealed regarding any bad working situations. My guess is you’re not going to accomplish anything by it, and you may tarnish your own reputation by saying something. If the hiring office (or whoever takes your exit interview) knows about Person X’s attitude, then you’re not telling them anything new. And if they don’t know about Person X’s attitude, they will most likely chalk it up to a “personality conflict,” and leave it at that. And realistically, from a senior management perspective, they probably don’t care about Person X’s attitude — as long as Person X can bring in clients/money/do his job well, they don’t really care how he treats his underlings.

Furthermore, by mentioning negatives at your exit interview you may come off as a whiner. I say, leave with a smile, with as much good will as you can — you never know what you may want from the firm in the future (good recommendations, connections — perhaps even from Person X).

Readers, what do you think — have you mentioned bad experiences in your exit interviews? How were you received?

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Under Pressure: Charitable Giving at the Office

by Kat on 12/13/2011 · 108 comments

in Business Etiquette, CoWorker Problems, Holidays, Money

Reader D wonders charitable giving at the office:

Around this time every year, non-profits make a big fundraising push. Do you (and your readers) think it’s appropriate for employees to solicit donations from other employees for non-profits they support? Relatedly, I have found that in many offices, there is some pressure to donate to causes or nonprofits that the company supports. While the causes may be worthy, compelled charitable giving is a little uncomfortable. Any thoughts on how to gracefully decline donating to the firm’s non-profit(s) of choice?

Yeouch. This should be an interesting thread. For my own $.02, I think the senior people should really do their best to “protect” the office from this kind of compulsion (including employees pressuring employees). Anything beyond a sign-up sheet for Girl Scout cookies posted discreetly in someone’s office or in a communal place — or a single email about how X is running Y race, and won’t you consider donating — is, to my mind, pushy, annoying, and unprofessional. Of course, half the time the pressure is coming from the higher-ups — I have one girlfriend whose boss puts tangible pressure on everyone to give lots of money to the charity for which he sits on the board. Classy! (Pictured: Pressure Gauge, originally uploaded to Flickr by wwarby.)

In terms of deflecting such requests… I think this comes back to “know your own office.” For some offices, the culture there may be where everyone gives to everyone else’s causes, but it’s some nominal amount. Other times (like my poor girlfriend) you may just have to view the charity push from the boss as a “tax” on working there, and keep that in mind when considering other job opportunities. If there is no office culture associated with giving, though, and it’s one person making strident efforts to get you to donate, I would be polite but firm: “Thanks, but I already gave at __.” or even just “Thanks, but I can’t contribute right now.” And change the subject. Don’t ask for more information, don’t challenge the worth of the charity… just don’t let him or her continue the sale tactic.

On the other hand, if this is a colder sell — i.e., the pressure is coming from someone you don’t see regularly or have to work with — an easy way to deflect most requests for charity is to say that you only give to charities after you’ve studied their audited annual returns (and that you prefer to give directly to the charity rather than the local branch).

Readers, how do you deal with charitable giving in the office?

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What To Do When You Make More Than Your Colleague (And He Knows It)

by Kat on 12/01/2011 · 109 comments

in Business Etiquette, CoWorker Problems, Money, Professionalism, Transitions

Reader G wonders how to deal with a coworker who has become angry and nasty after discovering a salary difference…

After months of looking for a job and interviews, I finally found another job as an attorney at a small firm. Previously I had worked in another small law firm where I gained substantial litigation experience. On my first day at the new firm I learned that the firm had hired another associate who graduated the same year as myself. I learned that this associate had less substantive experience than me, was making less than me (he asked for less during interviews) and his billing requirement is less than mine. Once he learned that I made more, billed more and was treated as a more “senior” attorney this associate began making disparaging statements to me, where on several occasions the associate has mentioned that it is ridiculous that I am making more than him etc and the firm’s decision makes no sense. This associate also attempts to undermine my opinion and knowledge in every chance he gets. It has become very unpleasant and he reminds me of the super-competitive people in law school who just did not know how to have a normal conversation. Every time I try to work with him on a project, he uses it as a way to tell me that he is smarter and more knowledgeable than me.

I know I should not let his issues bother me, and I am very confident in my work. However I think I need to address this with him somehow. Do you have any advice on what to say to him exactly? I don’t want to create a hostile environment since this is a small firm, but I cannot let this continue any further.

I’m afraid you’ve discovered one of the cardinal rules of life: DO NOT TALK ABOUT MONEY. True, some firms are lockstep, and there is a sort of freedom when everyone knows what everyone’s making. But every other job in the world? Make like The Go-Go’s and keep your lips sealed. (Pictured above: Old Coins, originally uploaded to Flickr by underactive.)

Now that the cat’s out of the bag, though, I think you’ve got a few options.

1) Distance yourself / lay low until this blows over. Avoid working with him where you can, avoid talking to him at coffee breaks, et cetera. Be friendly, but stay away as much as possible.

2) Pick your battles — and know how to fight them. For example: if you have to work with him and he makes repeatedly snide comments to you (and only you), just let those go. Maybe arch an eyebrow or give him a pained expression, but for the most part, let him boast all he wants to in private. On the other hand, if he questions your work product in front of your boss or client, you need to shut him down very quickly — and the best way to do that is by knowing your work product inside and out so you can defend it adequately (and, if this makes sense, as casually as possible: defend your work without getting defensive). Ultimately, he looks bad in doing this, and you want to make sure that you correct any misconception he might create while also staying “above it” — the last thing you want to do is look like two squabbling children. I would also suggest you keep your guard raised. For example, if you’re both working on the same project, make sure that you’re CC:ed on everything and invited to every meeting he is.

3) Talk to HR or your boss. Let them know why the working relationship is strained, and ask them for advice on how you should handle the situation.

4) Talk to him. This guy does not sound like the kind who can be reasoned with, but if you want to try: put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel? What would dull your anger? Whether it’s looking for a new job, asking for more money at review time, or just enjoying the smaller billable hour requirement, perhaps you can give him helpful suggestions or at least some sympathy.

Readers, how have you handled awkward work situations like this — particularly when a salary disparity has been discovered?

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Getting the Work You Want

by Kat on 11/29/2011 · 74 comments

in Business Etiquette, Career, Networking, Professionalism, Recommended Reading, Success

Reader S has a question about how to ask for the work she wants…

I am a second year associate at a big New York firm. I am in the corporate team and we rotate through two specialty groups within corporate before choosing a specialty. For my first rotation I was assigned to something that I was not at all interested in. I have been able to get a lot of good experience in this group, but it is important that I am placed in a group I am interested in for my next rotation. Can you give me some advice about networking with the partners on this team and letting them know I am interested in working in their group? I thought about asking them to meet to discuss the type of work their group does but the thing is I know what type of work they do, I have spoken to all the juniors in the group so I am familiar with the type of work that I would be doing…I am not sure what I could ask them that would not seem ingenuine. What do you think?

I think this is a really important question — often you need to be vocal in order to get the work you want. (Pictured: Any Given Saturday, originally uploaded to Flickr from She Who Shall Not Be Named.) Here is what has worked for me:

1. Ask outright. Look at this as a mini job interview and remember, as with every job you want, that this is really about what skills you bring to the table to help the partners, and not about what you would get out of the work. For example, “I’m fascinated by [your area of expertise] and would love to help you on your next case.” is OK, but if you can, go even further in pitching yourself — “I was always top of my class in [X], and I’ve heard that translates really well to work in [Y] — please let me know when I can be of help.”

2. Read. Sign up for every newsletter and news alert you can on the subject matter that interests you, and study that reading material. This is all the better if your company circulates hard copies of publications because the partner “experts” will see your name on the list of people getting the publication. For example, in my law firm days, when I wanted to work on media-related legal matters, I signed up for all sorts of things, from the Columbia Journalism Review to The Index on Censorship. There were 200+ lawyers at the firm, but the circulation lists were very short (and they were printed on a sheet of paper affixed to the magazine, so you could see everyone getting the publication). It was often just me, 3 or 4 other lawyers, and then the VIP partners. Guess who they frequently called when they needed a new junior associate on matters?

3. Inform. If, in your reading, you come across something that you think the partners would want to know about (but may not have seen otherwise), pass it along to the partner with a friendly note: “I thought you might like to see this.” If there are mingling opportunities with the partners you want to work with, this is the perfect way to let them know that not only are you interested but that you are up to date on your readings. Discuss the latest case that was handed down, or a major move made by one of your client’s main competitors. The partner may or may not want to talk about it, but he or she may want to continue talking to you. When I was in law school, I knew a very young professor who attributed all of his success to something like this — he was on a circulation list for a rarely-read publication and saw an article of interest. He passed it on to the Powers That Were at his firm, and they kept coming back to him and promoting him.

4. Ask again (and perhaps ask some of the people senior to you HOW to ask). For example, shooting an email to a partner is the most non-confrontational way to ask for work — but an email can easily get buried. Another story from my past: A number of people (older associates, former associates, even partners) had told me that the way to get work in the area I wanted was to “just knock on the door and ask!” This seemed wildly pushy to me — interrupting a partner? To ask for work? By dropping by his or her office? But I swallowed my fears and I did it — I’d just “happen” to be passing by the partner’s office, and if the door was open and he or she didn’t look too busy I’d poke my head in and ask, “Need any help with anything right now? I’m looking for work in __.” And it worked! (Similarly, it may help to know the process — understand how work is assigned in your company or firm; this will help you figure out who and how to ask for work.)

Readers, what are your tips for getting the kind of work you want? Any glory stories to share?

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