Weekend Open Thread

Gizeh Birko-FlorSomething on your mind? Chat about it here.

Call me crazy, but I feel like Birks are having a resurgence right now. I always see stylish women wearing them around NYC, and if I were to go on a vacation they’d be my #1 walking shoe. They’re still hard to pull off with a girly dress, but for bumming around in shorts or dresses like maxis I think they’re great. I especially like them in their metallic colors, such as this “titanium” pair. They’re $79.95 at Zappos. Birkenstock – Gizeh Birko-Flor (Titanium Birko-Flor ) – Footwear

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Comments

  1. trying to downsize :

    Hello Ladies! Has anyone done this? I want to stay in the expensive city where I live because I can walk to work. But I took a better job in terms of career advancement that came with a pay cut. Now I want to move from a largeish 1 bdr apt (750 sq ft) with THREE!! closets to a good sized studio apt (520 sqwith ONE (large) closet. Can I do it? I have about 6 months to downsize but my weakness is shoes, handbags, clothes in about 3 different sizes (yes, I will need to face reality, since I refuse to rent storage- all my furniture will fit in the new place) and the like. :(
    Starting to panic just a little… hints welcomed!

    • trying to downsize :

      uh typo- studio is 520 sq ft- fairly ginormous (lived UWS in a 328 sq ft not that long ago- but it had three tiny closets!!!).

    • What size are you? I’ll bet some of the hive would love to help you downsize…er, you know, for you. :-)

    • Ditto. Make a store on ebay or asos or even etsy vintage if you can get away with it. Alternatively you can make a sale blog and post a link to it here.

    • stacking hangers, underbed storage, high + low shelves, jewelry hanging in a picture frame, handbags on a bookshelf or wall shelves… making sure your have appropriate storage goes a long way. Ikea has some really good small space solutions, and dorm room stuff will start getting in stores for August.

      You’ll definitely have to pare down, but maybe that will be a good thing?

  2. I was invited to a house exorcism. Catholic 17th century style. Pizza provided. Anyone know anything about these events?

    • That sounds so interesting. Let us know what happens!

    • That. Sounds. Awesome.
      I know nothing, but I definitely second the request for the report back!

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      I am so intrigued. I 100% believe in ghosts and lived in a haunted apartment (documented on discovery channel) in college and am pretty certain (as are a few coworkers) that my current office, in an old Victorian, is haunted too.

      Never heard of a house exorcism. The college ghost was on a Catholic college campus and they never tried to “exorcise” it or any of its friends (that resided in other buildings according to discovery channel) as far as I know.

    • I initially read this and assumed you were asking fashion advice — as in, what should I wear to a house exorcism. And that, I decided, was better than fashion advice for a pirate wedding.

      • Indeed. I think I would advise black lace.

        • Specifically, something like this maybe. You need to be conservative I think — to exorcise things.

          http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/alex-evenings-lace-sheath-dress/3186376?origin=category&cm_ven=Linkshare&cm_cat=partner&cm_pla=10&cm_ite=1&siteId=J84DHJLQkR4-Z2RsKPVUAt.x4VmVEHIhrQ

          • Or this, if you wanted to be more dramatic.

            http://us.asos.com/countryid/2/ASOS-Dress-with-Lace-Top/wymme/?iid=1702726&MID=35719&affid=2135&WT.tsrc=Affiliate&siteID=J84DHJLQkR4-lZHZOsvdIbrkBtaro4cicA

        • Though, considering the menu is pizza, maybe my options are too formal.

          Maybe instead some black wide leg pants like this: http://www.neimanmarcus.com/product.jsp?itemId=prod140840180&ecid=NMALRJ84DHJLQkR4&CS_003=5630585

          With a lace top or a black sequin top or something.

        • Yes, with red lips

    • They’re fairly common here, although not really an exorcism. More like a spiritual cleanse.

  3. Clueless Summer :

    Can I wear (nice) flip flops to my graduation? Flip flops in the sense of a between the toe strap but also with a back strap (so it won’t make the flop noise all across the stage). I’m wearing a sundress and I’m just not feeling the style with pumps and I hate buying ‘occasion” sandals I’ll never wear again. I have espadrilles but they don’t match this particular dress.

    Something like this: http://bit.ly/KQblgW

    • I think those are OK. Of course know your school, but I find that you walk so much more at graduation than you expect, so they may be a good choice.

    • AnonInfinity :

      Those are considerably more casual than the shoes that anyone wore at my law school graduation. (I’m not sure what kind of program you’re in?)

      I’m in a mid-sized city in the South, and graduation was inside, if you need some sort of reference point.

    • I wouldn’t. Can you find some nude slingbacks or something that you can rewear?

  4. How much trouble will I get in if I throw the trash my neighbor dumped in my trashcan after pick-up in the road or his place? If you have an overflow, it is non-smelly, neatly bagged, and BEFORE pick-up; I don’t have a problem. Don’t put your open remnants and liquid containers in afterward. Or block my driveway with your trashcan. (it was him as his is still full, it wasn’t empty & there bc the truck dropped it)

    • I would just go ask innocently if he also had liquids and unbagged trash put into his trash can or if you are 100% he did it, ask him to please not do it again. Otherwise, it will get uncomfortable since, you know, you live next to him.

  5. Senior Attorney :

    And thus endeth the toughest work week in recent memory! I think I should totally get paid for last night because I had non-stop work dreams all. night. long. Ugh!

    JSFAMO!

    • Work dreams are the worst. After much internal debate I have decided that dreams where I invent an assignment that I’ve somehow forgotten (therefore waking up and having to talk myself down) are relatively better than those where I dream I am drafting or otherwise taking care of something – and then waking up and having to do it over in real life.

    • Sydney Bristow :

      I hate work dreams! I’ve been doing a lot of work with spreadsheets and when I’m particularly stressed at work, I have dreams that are never ending data entry. It’s awful.

  6. Old Towner :

    These are my favorite shoes ever. I just got a new pair after wearing out the soles on my prior pair over the past two years. Most comfortable sandals ever and I get tons of compliments.

  7. Anon for This :

    Have the opportunity to lateral/slight promotion but with more future promotion potential than where I am. Would have to pay relo costs myself though. There are a few locations available – Philadelphia, Boston, DC/Virginia/Maryland. Haven’t been too any and would be worried about the cost of living of the last two. Would be happy with the liberal bent of Boston though. Try to transfer or wait a while & try to make a fall vacation trip to see how I like the cities? Anyone ever moved blind? I enjoyed the southeastern coast/south more than the Midwest living.

    Don’t know much about Philadelphia but I recall a few people on here from there? Any facts I should know? Expensive like the others listed?

    • All of the places you listed are pretty liberal…though NoVa is a liberal bastion in a more conservative state (as is Philly when you get right down to it).

      I’m actually lived in or near all of these. Philly has great restaurants and is definitely getting cooler and more fun — but its still definitely a little grittier (that’s the best way I can describe it). There are some beautiful suburbs of course — though the commute into the city by car is a catastrophe, so commuter rail is necessary.

      DC is a great city, especially for someone who is new, because so many people are transient. There are lots of fun neighborhoods and its one of the newest culinary destinations in the country. Plus, with the free Smithsonian and all, there’s a ton of stuff to do. And the happy hour lifestyle is fun. As for the suburbs in NoVa, which I’m most familiar with, the traffic is AWFUL and it is very “development” heavy (i.e. new developments and housing developments) and strip-mall heavy. Just because I didn’t grow up with that, its not my favorite. But there are parts of NoVa that have more character, like parts of Arlington and Alexandria. Maryland also I think is similar.

      Boston is a smaller city than either Philly or DC and it has lots of very distinct neighborhoods with their own character, lots of independent shops and great restaurants. Plus there is Brookline (which has great public schools and is therefore quite expensive) and Cambridge as alternative city living areas. But there are no places that have true “urban” life like NYC has, except maybe one or two neighborhoods. One nice thing around Boston is that the suburbs are older towns with their own character and their own downtown. You can also get into suburbs that are 20 minutes from the city, rather than having to move 45 minute to an hour out of the city, because there hasn’t been so much sprawl.

      • Anon for This :

        My biggest thing about the DC area is what you mentioned. I’m so worried that I would have to live farther out because of cost that the traffic would be horrible and it would be hard to have a social life as a new person. I grew up in a place that transitioned to the strip malls & cookie developments a long time ago. Can’t stand it. I’m also lot a morning person so anything with a long commute is just asking to be fired.

        • Public transit from the suburbs of DC into the city is quite good actually — and if you live in the city public transit around is pretty smooth. But if you commute by car, yeah, pretty much a disaster. But thats actually true to some extend of all three of the metropolitan areas you just listed — they are older east coast cities whose highway infrastructures weren’t really designed (in one way or another) to handle the mass of people and cars they now carry. So the first priority in housing in all those places is probably going to be “how close is it to public transit.”

      • Like TCFKAG mentioned, DC has lots of people coming and going. It may be easier to meet people, but you constantly have to make new friends as well so its both a plus and a minus. I find that the atmosphere of the city is unique and people either love it or want to leave, so if possible, make sure you visit a couple of times before moving.

    • I currently live in DC and you can reduce costs by not having a car. It’s reall easy to get around the city an even parts of north Arlington without a car. As someone already mentioned life here can be stressful as people are always coming and going. And the city is really beginning to come into its own now – it is constantly changing. DC is definitely not for everyone. I moved here without ever visiting, but it was my only job offer, but it has worked out so far.

      • I’ve actually lived in all three cities too! I would definitely choose Boston. I thought that public transit there was reasonably good, it was easier to find an affordable apartment in a nice neighborhood than in DC (caveat–I lived with roommates), there was good food and adorable neighborhoods, and it indeed has a liberal bent. The biggest drawback in my opinion was all the snow, although it was not as bad as I expected before I moved there because the city is well-equipped for it and most drivers know how to handle it.

        Philly . . . I am really ambivalent. It is getting nicer, the food is probably the best of the three cities, and there are some amazing neighborhoods. However, the city is DISGUSTING and it has a ton of problems. In my experience random strangers here have very little regard for others and for their environment–not to say that DC and Boston are the most friendly cities, but Philly just takes rude to a whole other level. Public transit within the city leaves much to be desired both in terms of geographic coverage and comfort. I think it’s the most difficult to penetrate socially if you aren’t from here, and I would never move here without a job lined up because everyone I’ve known who has never found anything. It is the cheapest city of the three, but it is rapidly getting more expensive and there are some weird things going on in the rental market. I think as a renter right now you get the least value for your money in Philly unless you want something relatively high end, and then Philly can be much less expensive. Also, if you want to buy real estate, it is far cheaper than the other two cities.

        Honestly, I probably wouldn’t move to DC without visiting first. I am a NOVA native who also lived in the District for awhile, and I’ve always found it very difficult to adequately explain the culture of DC to outsiders. People seem to either love or hate it for random reasons. One of the odder things about the city is that due to its weird political status vis-a-vis statehood and federal control, some things about it that are incredibly well-run while others are beyond dysfunctional. There’s also little sports culture, which I viewed as a positive. Personally, I’d avoid most of NOVA–if there were a national championship for the place that best embodied “suburb,” NOVA would be a frontrunner.

        • Whoops, somehow replied to the wrong post–meant to reply to OP.

        • I feel almost the same way that you do about DC, Boston and Philly! I would choose Boston for the same reasons you listed above.

          Having lived in all three, it’s also important to note that Philly is the least safe of the three cities. The city has come a LONG way since the bad old days of the 70s and 80s, but even Center City in Philly isn’t immune to random acts of street violence (including violent “flash mobs”, not the fun dancing kind). It’s not to say that Boston and DC don’t have their unsafe areas, but Center City is so much more block-by-block than Boston and DC neighborhoods are.

        • As a former resident of Philly, DC itself, and the DC metro area (suburban Maryland), I agree with all of this, especially the bit about the oddly aggressive rudeness of the people in Philly and the trickiness of making friends there. I found people in DC to be the nicest because, as others have said, it is a city of non-natives, and Bostonians seem a shade more guarded. But Philly is tough, and even a great restaurant scene can’t make up for its strange personality.

          • I would actually say that Philly and DC are pretty comparable in terms of safety unless your philosophy toward living in DC is “I won’t go east of 18th Street” (I have heard that living there, sadly). I agree that Philly seems to have more bizarre, random crimes like flash mobs, and someone I know actually was a victim of one of those. But frankly, if you live in either DC or Philly long enough, you will probably be either mugged or have your car broken into at least once, as one or the other or both has happened to everyone I know, including myself.

            And speaking of flash mobs, I think it really says something about Philly that when those started up it almost wasn’t shocking, although of course I was outraged. It was like, “oh there are roving gangs of teenagers beating the crap out of people and vandalizing stuff? Of course there are.” Philly is the only place where I have had multiple homeless people literally chase me down the street when I didn’t have any change, where I get into screaming fights with aggressive drivers as a pedestrian and bicyclist on a pretty regular basis, and where people will leave trash sitting on your bike when it’s parked 15 feet away from a public trash can.

          • I strongly disagree with anon. I’ve lived and worked east of 18th for 8 years now and have not had any problems. There are parts of the city where I wound not live, e.g. Anacostia, but the east of 18th/the park rule is seriously outdated. Particularly NW DC is generally safe. It is a city so you have to be smart like you do in all cities. Most of the muggings include some combination of alcohol, walking alone in the dark and not paying attention to circumstances. I love living in DC and enjoy being able to live close to work, and walk everywhere on the weekends. To me DC is also not as overwhelming as NYC: smaller, no akyscrapers. I would encourage you to visit first though as those characteristics may not be your cup of tea.

          • I’m not saying I think the “18th St.” rule is a reasonable view! Far from it, as I lived in Petworth a few years ago and really loved it (even after I was mugged). I was being sarcastic about people who still live like that to avoid any and all risk of crime, which I think is ridiculous and, indeed, outdated if it ever was all that accurate to begin with. But when I lived in the District after college, there was still a fair amount of crime in most parts of DC– including pretty ritzy parts of NW–despite how far DC has come since the 90s. Like you said, DC is a city and you have to be cautious, but caution won’t make you immune, and to say that Philly is that much more dangerous than DC is not true in my experience. Anecdotally, everyone I know in each city has had some kind of problem after awhile, ranging from annoying stuff like busted car windows and bike theft all the way to someone actually being shot in the foot during a robbery–in NW, actually. I’ve been victimized in some way in both cities without engaging in insanely risky behavior under my definition, and I don’t feel much different in either city and I take similar precautions. So if you are overly freaked out by that risk you probably won’t love either Philly or DC, but I don’t think that either city is so unsafe that it should be avoided. If I did, I would have moved to the burbs long ago.

  8. Graduate student help :

    5 days out from my out of nowhere dumping by my serious boyfriend with whom I was seriously planning a future.

    Does it ever get any easier? I’m barely eating, barely getting out of bed. Please say yes.

    • Yep, it really does. Trust me. My ex-husband blindsided me and I thought I would never recover. Now I look back and just laugh about it. I am so much happier!

    • It gets easier. It may not seem like it, but I promise you that it does.
      Give yourself some time to wallow in it and grieve. There is nothing wrong with staying in bed a few days (but do try to eat a little). Breaking up is never easy, but especially so when you’ve been blindsided by the whole thing. Take it one day at a time and do what you need to do to get through it – call your friends, write in a journal, vent anonymously online, eat some ice cream in your PJs, whatever you need. Just remember that life is long and, however improbable or impossible it may seem now, you will feel better eventually.
      Hugs.

    • hey, it gets easier.

      Maybe now’s a good time to catch up on Hulu? New Girl, Suburgatory, and Teen Wolf are all pretty trashy yet good. Game of Thrones -book or show- is also really good. (no leaving of the bed required, popcorn/icecream optional)

      • Also if you can get it Hart of Dixie and Rookie Blues (which is on right now, but you should catch up first) — excellent trash. With hot men that you can eventually start fantasizing about, ala the Friends theory of “getting over a relationship.”

        Google it if you don’t get the reference. :-P

        • Graduate student help :

          I went on OKCupid to try to fantasize about other men.

          My #1 match is my best male friend.

          That got awkward. We tried in college! It didn’t stick for a reason!

          • Hot neighbor wade will make you forget about it all, trust me. :-)

            It’s too soon maybe for real men, but it’s never too soon for Hot Neighbor Wade.

    • hey where do you live? corporettes will take you out for a drink and you can just have 20 minutes of biatching session to someone removed from you and the bf. and then drinks! and fun times

    • Divaliscious11 :

      It may help to cut your self some slack….make a list of 3-4 things you must do every day – shower, brush teeth, eat one meal and talk to one person who loves (friend, parent, sibling or cousin)……

      Grieve, but mark a date on the calendar when you are going to start letting it go, piece by piece…. it gets easier

    • It’s been only 5 days. That’s hardly any time at all! It will certainly get better, but it will take some time. Don’t try to rush it or get upset with yourself for still feeling bad/sad about it. It’s totally normal to feel like this for a few weeks or even months! Try to get into new routines. I think it is always good to take a few days to yourself and watch your favorite movies, but after that I find it helps the most to go out with friends and get your mind off of it!

    • Yes, it gets easier. You will find out that you’re stronger and more resilient than you ever knew, in fact. It’s too bad that things like this have to happen for us to learn our own power, but that is one of their functions in life.

      I agree with everything that’s been said. Treat yourself as you would a best friend who was going through this, including the kind encouragement to get some sunshine, eat what you can, and reach out to those who love you. If you’re a book-reading type on issues like this, or are open-minded enough to try it, I recommend “In the Meantime” by Iyanla Vanzant. It was very helpful to me when I went through a real doozy myself.

      Hugs.

    • K... in transition :

      For the next week, I demand that you stay in bed, watch cr*p tv, and do nothing you don’t feel like doing. (see? now when you do that, you can tell yourself it’s because some internet friend forced you into it… look at you, you’re being a good friend by listening!)

      Truly, try to eat so your body doesn’t get sick, let yourself feel however you feel, and live in your comfy clothes as much as possible. Let yourself be loved on by your friends (here and in real life).

      At the end of this, he’s the moron who walked away and you’re the awesome gal who has it in her to commit to someone for life… I’d definitely rather be you in the long run than to be him!

  9. So, following the post on cute bright skinny belts earlier in the week, I wanted to post a rec.
    I find most JCrew Factory stuff to be very hit or miss, and mostly, miss, but I love their skinny belts and find they are actually quite well made (not even just for mention the price). Sometimes they have them at an even steeper discount, but under $20 still not a bad deal.

    http://www.jcrew.com/womens_factory_category/scarvesandaccessories/PRDOVR~75341/99102656730/ENE~1+2+3+22+4294967294+20~~~205+17+4294966615~90~~~~~~~/75341.jsp

    • Also, for the non-patent leather enthusiasts: http://www.jcrew.com/womens_factory_category/scarvesandaccessories/PRDOVR~45652/99102728572/ENE~1+2+3+22+4294967294+20~~~205+17+4294966615~90~~~~~~~/45652.jsp

  10. Trying to find shoes to wear with a floor length red dress. Ideas?
    Fwiw, I will be accessorizing with gold and some blue. I would love to find shoes that will be semi-comfy because I will be wearing them for 7+hrs (event begins at 5:30). Event is in the south, next week.
    Hoping for a 3-3.5 inch heel…Tia!

    • Ok, I was originally going to say silver would look great but since you’re doing gold accessories…

      Love the look of these, but no idea vis a vis comfort. http://www.zappos.com/product/7986400/color/385?zfcTest=fw:1

      • No idea what these look like in person, but they have rave reviews for comfort and are only $58.
        http://www.zappos.com/dyeables-sari-champagne?zfcTest=fw:1

        As do these (other colors avail. ) if you want to play up the blue. I also like the Forbes style from this co. in purple.
        http://www.zappos.com/nina-freja-new-navy?zfcTest=fw:1

    • Cole Haan Air Tali wedge – it has a shorter heel than you wanted, but comes in a variety of metallic and nude-for-various-skintones shades, and comes in open-toe and closed-to versions. I can literally walk a mile in mine.

    • RR the second :

      Just realized someone else was already using RR, sorry original RR (who loves her birks ;))

  11. These are gorgeous and Kate Spade heels tend to be on the comfy side.
    http://couture.zappos.com/kate-spade-new-york-silka-antracite-starlight-fabric

    These might work: http://www.zappos.com/product/7991595/color/20705?zfcTest=fw:1

    Or .. you could always do red. Too matchy for most, but I have noticed a lot of celebrities rocking that look on the red carpet (Michele Williams, others). Who knows, come next summer, we might all be doing it and you would have been ahead of the trend. In which case, I vote for these (bonus for the comfort reviews):
    http://www.zappos.com/product/7938975/color/361259?zfcTest=fw:1

  12. Anyone read "Courage"? :

    The book by Debbie Ford. Someone recommended it to me but it seems pretty new-age. I thought it was a book about introversion. Anyone enjoy it, find useful information, or is it new-age all throughout?

  13. I need advice from the hive here (also sympathy wouldn’t go amiss).

    Yesterday I was let go from my job of nearly five years because they’ve decided to start the knowledge management department over from scratch and centralize it in the London office. I have two weeks left, and then I join the ranks of the unemployed.

    Other than panic attacks, crying jags, and hugging the cat, the most I’ve done so far is contact a couple of other former coworkers. One has asked for my resume, so that’s a start. I haven’t heard from the other one yet, but I’m hoping we can meet for coffee. Any other advice anyone can offer? I feel lost right now, and the job market for librarians/knowledge managers is approximately as bad as the job market for lawyers. I have nightmares of having to move back in with my parents at 32.

    • So sort to hear about your situation. I just saw a library science job posted at the dept of state – check usajobs. I think it required worldwide availability.

    • I’m curious about what kind of company you’ve been working for, but it seems like you might be able to repackage yourself in another area of librarianship. What kind of work have you been doing? The first thing I would do is to figure out how to describe what you’ve been doing in a way that it makes sense in other areas of librarianship (if you’re interested). The government can be difficult – I have friends who have worked in gov jobs successfully but I found it stifling. LC is no fun at all. Vendors have a lot of turnover if you’re interested in sales or training. Academic is hard to break into unless you can really sell your skills and have the interest. And you’ll need to be flexible and possibly willing to relocate. Check the ALA Joblist. Good luck! And so sorry this happened to you. Makes me even happier for tenure.

      • It’s a management consulting firm with a base in B2B media, for the most part. I managed research and handle vendor relationships for the company, and also did training and tutorials on research methods and specific databases.

        • Wow, I can imagine that’s a hard field to find a job in right now. Very small niche. With your experience with training and tutorials, I’d think you’d be a good fit for a vendor. Have you thought about exploring jobs with the vendors you’ve worked with? ALA is in a couple of weeks – all of the vendors will be there, but it’s in Anaheim and that’s pretty expensive.

        • Sorry to hear about your situation.

          Just a few ideas from a non-librarian: my first entry-level job was in trademark research and a significant number of people in higher-up roles worked as analysts there, mainly because they had knowledge and understanding of a bunch of databases (oh, and since this blog seems to have such a large readership in the area, this company was in the greater Boston area). There are a number of companies in this space that might be worth looking into.

          At the height of the early part of the recession, one of my coworkers at said trademark research company got laid off. She later found another position at a university’s alumni relations department doing donor prospecting and research on donors on the web. It wasn’t the most awesome mid-career role, but it seems to have been a good transitional role for her. I saw on LinkedIn that she’s at another (more famous) university now so I think she’s been able to continue making a career out of it.

          Best of luck in finding another job!

    • Definitely attack the job search hard, but know that a job search can be a marathon these days, although I hope it’s a sprint for you! Let people know you’re available, but be prepared for things not to move as quickly as you like. Did you get a severance? Can you collect unemployment? Are you on LinkedIn? Is your resume up to date? Even if it is, have another look at it and run it by a few folks. Can you get a letter of reference from someone in your company before you leave? It’s hard to keep your chin up, but the best thing I can say is followup with people, try to keep your spirits up, and just start looking. Good luck!

      Also from how you describe your skillset, it sounds like you could also do editing, technical writing, and other types of work related to those areas.

    • Are you a US Citizen? National Archives are hiring – I have a couple friends who work at their HQ in Maryland, outside DC. The National Archives also runs all of the presidential libraries, located all over the country.

      • Oh, also look at government contractors around the DC area. They always have knowledge management-type positions and there are always jobs available.

  14. Another job seeker :

    Sympathy and hugs! And how utterly vile of them to do this to you! But in the spirit of JSFAMO, keep telling yourself that this unasked-for transition is going to lead you to something better. (Even if, for a while, it’s just the satisfaction of being able to survive tough times.)
    Sounds as if you’ll need to change fields, or at least repackage yourself. Does your city offer an IRL group of other job seekers, or an affordable career counselor?
    Get enough sleep and exercise and eat as healthily as you can. More hugs.

  15. Anne Shirley :

    Ran my first 10K today! Thanks to the ladies who told me about the miracle of running socks 3 months ago and made this possible.

  16. Mrs. Robinson :

    Omg, Dirty Dancing is on. Love this movie. Had my first kiss to the song “Time of My Life.” Watching this, it’s so hard to believe Patrick Swayze is gone!

    • And Jerry Orbach – the only celebrity at whose death I actually cried.

      Apparently he left love notes for his wife every single morning. After his death, she published them in a book called “Remember How I Love You.” Adorable and heart-wrenching.

      • I had more than one friend call/email to express condolences on the death of Jerry Orbach. I loved him so much.

      • When I was 11 I went to the set of “Homicide Life on the Street” with my aunt and they were doing a cross over episode with L&O. I was more excited to meet Jerry Orbach than Benjamin Bratt. I was so sad when he died.

  17. Hive please help. My SO and I have not been intimate in over a year. I do not feel attracted to him at all but I do care about him. I don’t know what brought this on but I don’t want to be with him physically anymore. Also of note in the past year he hasn’t tried to make a move with me either. Not sure where to go from here.

    • Counseling, or break up. Are you married? I would def try counseling first. possibly individual or therapy.

    • momentsofabsurdity :

      Have you been to a doctor to get checked out? Do you experience sexual attraction to other people, or is your sex drive just gone? Sudden loss of any sex drive could be indicative of an underlying issue.

      Also, I agree with the suggestion of counseling above.

    • Have you talked about it with him? Do you just not feel physically attracted to him? I think you need to make a decision about whether or not you want to continue this relationship. Honestly, I think if you want out, you have a pretty valid reason and he would likely be understanding if you are concerned with him reaction. However, if you want to continue to be with him, you need to talk to him or try making a move on him. Also, counseling would certainly be good for you, either together or alone.

    • Same boat :

      No advice, but I’m in the same situation and am subscribing to this thread.

    • Anne Shirley :

      Have you talked about this? Cause that should be step one.

    • Divaliscious11 :

      You might need both a medical check up, and a mental check up. Medical because loss of sexual appetite may be symptomatic, of something going on with you (unless you are attracted to others, just not your so). And then mental, because if its not medical, it usually means something else is going on and its manifesting as decreased sex drive. Unless your just not into him and staying in the relationship because its comfortable…….

    • I haven’t talked to my doctor about this but have a check up with my gyn in August, so I can bring it up then. I also think I am pretty depressed and the steps I have been taking on my own haven’t been working to alleviate it. I’m only in my 20s so this is sort of worrisome.

      • This is happening to me too – no desire of any kind for anyone. I am also in my 20s, and married to a wonderful man who loves me. The amount of shame, frustration, anxiety, despair, and hopelessness I feel about this are overwhelming. You are not alone. Be aware that most people who you are brave enough to tell, personal or professional, will have no idea what they are talking about. Find a doctor and a therapist who are board-certified or licensed in s*xual issues / s*x therapy / s*xual dysfunction. Get books by such persons as well. A regular doctor is not going to cut it. Even among doctors, there is a lot of ignorance and misinformation. Some may tell you it’s all in your head, or just to have a glass of wine and relax! Or use more l*be. Like you haven’t tried those ideas already. Many therapists are also ignorant and will tell you to leave your relationship. This issue is not something that most doctors encounter, so they don’t know what to do and offer ignorant advice (been there). Female issues in this area are very under-researched, in contrast to the abundance of research into male issues. Shocker. I am finally receiving care from a s*xual dysfunction specialist at a major research hospital who is some distance from my home and not in network. But for the first time, I have a faint glimmer of hope. She put me on Wellbutrin and referred me to a psychiatrist who specializes in these issues. You are not alone. Go get the help you need. Hugs.

      • Are you on any meds that may affect libido? Did you ever have a strong libido? If so, when did it change? Was s*x painful for you? Do you feel any attraction to other people (real or fictional/celebrity)? Do you have any other symptoms of depression (I believe there is a screening tool somewhere online, someone else may have the link handy)?

        Have you talked to the SO about it? Has he tried to talk to you about it?

        I know this is all questions and no answers, but honestly its hard to say without knowing more and I think you’ll want to think about those things in preparation for when you go see a doctor or counselor about it. Its great that you are ready to speak up about the problem and get help. I really hope you find answers.

  18. Recommendations for sending a meal in Virginia? My friend got in a car accident and I want to send some meals for him and his SO

    • Depends where in VA. You’re probably going to have to be more specific. In urban areas, there will generally be kind of “pre-made” meal delivery services where you just follow the instructions to bake it. But in more rural areas, you might need to find a place that delivers (and frankly, I might just get them a gift card so they can order when they most need the dinner.)

      And alternative is to go to Trader Joes or Whole Foods and get a bunch of kind of healthy snacks and easy to prepare dry-foods and mail them to them, so they can just have a bunch of fun things around the house but not have just one meal.

    • Takeout Taxi and Seamless both deliver in Northern Virginia, if that’s where your friends are.

  19. Age & Dress :

    Jezebel has an article today about how to look your age and not be mistaken as younger than you are. Some of the suggestions don’t really work for me. I look like I’m playing dress-up in a suit but that may be because I feel like I am. Make-up and short hair doesn’t really work for me either.

    Anyone go through the looking young/not being taken seriously dynamic? If so, how did you get it to work out in your favor?

    • I used to worry about being taken seriously at work when I was in my twenties. I definitely dressed “older” to compensate. I also worked hard to lose my girlish? way? of talking? which arose from being an original valley girl.

      Now that I’m 47, of course, I’d like to go the other way!

      Yesterday at my kids’ school, one of the kindergartners mistook me for the first grade teacher. At first I was insulted because she outweighs me by at least 50 pounds. But then I realized that offense was offset by the fact that she’s 20 years younger than me. :)

      • In my 30s; gotten the just graduated/”you looked 18 coming through the door” at work. The urge to punch someone was very high. I wouldn’t have worried about correcting them and moving on if they didn’t already know it wasn’t true.

    • This is the story of my life. It is incredibly annoying and definitely undercuts professional credibility. And its unfair, because there is nothing I can do about it. I call it Rory Gilmore syndrome (though I guess it should be Alexis Bledel syndrome). AB is in her 30s and doesn’t look a day over 18. I have the same sort of face that is just inherently young looking.

      I do try to dress more formally than I otherwise would. I rarely do jeans on casual friday. I wear makeup every day. I refuse to cut my hair short. And the next time someone tells me I look like a teenager, I’m going to tell them how old they look.

    • I look quite young (probably about 25). I have found, as an attorney, that it definitely works to my advantage to be perceived by the other side as naive and junior. My colleagues know I’m competent and sharp, so it doesn’t hurt me in my office at all. So I think that if you prove yourself as an effective and intelligent employee, it doesn’t matter at all if you look 10 years younger than you are.

  20. Interesting NYTimes article for Kat (and other new/potential moms) on start-ups and motherhood. http://www.nytimes.com/2012/06/10/business/nurturing-a-baby-and-a-start-up-business.html?pagewanted=1&hp

    • Anonymous :

      is there a section on how to become a full time mom/blogger and yet do nothing more with you successful blog than you did when you were working full time as a lawyer? cause there should be . . .

      • http://vimeo.com/4263717

        • Deftly done, mamabear.

          Also, people who’ve come up with a truly awesome zinger should get credit for it, right? And be recognizable every time they come back to the site? So why be anonymous, Anonymous?

        • LOL I am going to bust out this video during conference calls.

      • Yes, it says “find a successful model that appeals to all sorts of women who are and aren’t moms and then don’t f*ck with it.”

        Its freaking rocket science.

      • I have nothing but respect for Kat and all successful entrepreneurs.

        I don’t respect anonymous commenters who have nothing better to do than make tasteless comments.

        • Except Ellen of course, right?

          • Divaliscious11 :

            But even Ellen identifies as Ellen.

            I think its cowardly to go anon to be snarky. I totally get the folks who go anon for specific advice, as they may not want folks who know their online identity to know that particular fact, but otherwise, it just smacks of internet bullying or online bravado….

          • Plus Ellen never BullEys. She’s just weird.

  21. I'm Just Me :

    Did someone mention this Merona blouse in the recent Target thread?

    http://www.target.com/p/merona-womens-bow-blouse-assorted-colors/-/A-14006242

    I just saw it at the store and bought it. Planning to wear it with The Skirt in black and a lavendar cardi.

    I got the floral print, but they had several prints not shown online in the store. It was marked down to $17.

  22. Okay, I can’t believe this article from our paper today. I mean I can, but it’s just so sick. At least the attorney in question was immediately fired. http://www.nola.com/crime/index.ssf/2012/06/nola_attorney_accused_of_mastu.html

    • karenpadi :

      Eww. Gross. But not surprising (to me). Kudos to the woman who reported this and is suing/pressing charges!

      I know 95% of men are wonderful people who think this is wrong and gross. But how to communicate the level of intimidation and fear she must have felt? How do women communicate that it’s stories like this that make us feel fearful for our own safety around men?

    • AnonInfinity :

      Wow.

    • Anon for this :

      I lived in a state where a landlord was prosecuted for doing the same thing in a young female tenant’s apartment, though they only had proof he did it on one occasion. He was found not guilty at a bench trial b/c he alleged to have smelled smoke and that is why he entered the apartment. I think the judge should have found that when he realized there was no fire and stayed to do his personal business, he had overstayed his lawful entry. In that case, he was prosecuted for criminal trespassing I believe.

  23. I’m new to Chicago and looking for recommendations for a salon (and better, specific stylist) that’s good for curly hair.

    I’ve gotten my best cuts from people trained in the Devacurl method. I found the salon look-up function on the Deva website but since there are several options, would love to get a personal rec. I’d like to keep it under $100, including tip. TIA!

    • I also have curly hair and have had good luck perusing naturallycurly.com for this type of thing. They have a Salon Locator with reviews and you can search the messageboard too. Good luck!

  24. K… And others… It was good to see your thread on endometriosis… I am a fellow sufferer and hope I’m not too late for this discussion. I’m having my second surgery in 4 yrs to get rid of it..once again. This time I’m thinking of getting a mirena at the same time (dr recommended). Has anyone gotten a mirena for this reason or just for birth control and willing to share your experience? I’ve only ever been on the pill but it’s not helping slow down my symptoms enough. I’d appreciate any insight.

    • I loved the Mirena, but only got it for BC. It made my periods lighter than on the pill and I had no problems with cramps or expulsion. I wish I’d gotten it five years earlier.

    • I have the Mirena for BC. It hurt like a b going in, but if you got it placed under anesthesia, I guess that’s no concern. I get no periods and haven’t had any major cramping problems (unlike some other people).

      Frankly, I think its like a little miracle plastic device in my uterus. But — that’s just me.

    • K... in transition :

      Happy to help! Docs put me on mirena and it’s definitely helped me… as has avoiding anything with soy! Let’s keep in touch about this? feel free to email, I’m always up for having another endo sister to chat with! munchkin 1616 at juno dot com

  25. Hatch Act? :

    Any federal r e t t e ‘ s serve on a mayor’s cousnel (local issues; citizen input; non-partisian but may be ongoing or timebound but are not based on who is actually mayor but more the issue/initiative)? Also have to chance to work on the lobbying/legislative tracking for a non-profit. Both have to nothing to do with my employment and are part of professional/cultural organizations.

    I don’t think any of this would be in violation of the act since it is not election related but it is “political involvement” if someone wanted to cause trouble. I would want my bases covered. Local legal said any dispensation from them would cover me if they gave bad advice. Should I send a reheat to the OSC since they are the official arbitrators?

    • Your agency should have an OGC right? or at least an ethics official? Im actually more concerned without outside employment aspect of it.

  26. What a FIND I got on SALE today!

    I went to Bloomies, Lord and Taylor’s, Macy’s and even Bergdorf –It was SO expensive, but afterward, I walked INTO Ann Taylor’s and bought a great PAIR of leather pump’s PLUS a carry-all bag at 25% of cost’s at Ann Taylor’s for $80 (FOR BOTH)!

    I hope the manageing partner will apprecieate that I am a GREAT shopper! I am saveing him alot of money b/c he is not going to have to be payeing me as much for my 20% !!!! Yay!!!!

  27. springtime :

    Travelling to Australia soon- I am going to Airlie Beach/Whitsundays, Brisbane and surrounding area, Sydney, Blue Mountains, and Melbourne.

    Anyone have any advice for Airlie beach and Brisbane area accomodation? I’m thinking of staying in hostels, preferably private room though, so I can meet some people.

    Also, any suggestions as to ‘must dos’ and places to eat would be fab. I’m already planning on doing a 2 day sailing trip in the Whitsundays.

  28. Any current or former military-ettes out there? I’m thinking about joining as a professional (think lawyer/doctor), but I’m in my late twenties and single and not sure if this would mean, well, staying single forever. I realize I am probably being a wee melodramatic, but I would love to hear stories/thoughts.

    • Franny, I was a military lawyer for a bit. Email me at dccorporette at yahoo dot com

    • I’m assuming you would go in as an officer which theoretically means you can stay until you resign your commission. Don’t go in as a warrant officer; make sure it is as an officer. I would not join unless you have a thick skin. The next thought may be unpopular but . . . Also stay away from the other military members. 90% are undatable, condescending and worse than the “sissy college frat boys” they look down upon. Many hold onto the old idea that there are male roles and female roles.

      • I said many are undatable because of what I listed above and those that don’t hold that view are usually taken. So a large pool of men but not the best way to meet them. Dating more than one of them, even if they are in a different unit, is viewed as if you were dating within a small group of childhood buddies.

  29. Ladies, I have been a terribly absentee commenter, but just wanted to report back: I’m two weeks into my new job in Hometown City and this was definitely, definitely a fantastic opportunity for me. There is so much more potential here, professionally: the environment, despite being more dude-heavy *feels* far more woman-friendly (possibly because the partners are younger and have wives who are lawyers too), the work is higher-quality, and man, the jump from “regional biglaw” to “real” biglaw has been accompanied by a far, far better level of service from staff and administrative folks.

    Only downside: now living with parents, who are asking everyone (including, like, shopowners and people at the grocery store) if they “happen to know any nice, single guys.” SIGH.

    • Anne Shirley :

      Yay! Congrats. And hey, if they find one it’s all good. My secretary was apparently trying to sell me to a married man on her vacation. “he was so cute” “but I’m looking for single men! Single”. :)

    • Seattleite :

      Thanks for the update! I’d noticed your absence and hoped you were moving. Glad it’s all going well.

    • I thought of you this week and was wondering. I’m so happy for you! If you remember, my father’s family lived in your Hometown City for 4-5 generations and I currently live in your (and ED MD’s) Old City – Seattle. Your new job sound peachy and I’m sure time with the ‘rents will go quickly.

  30. I know this isn’t the forum for this, but I don’t know where else to ask. Where can you get help for domestic (phyiscal) abuse without involving police or law enforcement? For a variety of reasons, I can’t/don’t want to leave my husband, but I do want this behavior to stop. It is low level, but has been ongoing for several years. We’ve gone together to an anger management class, as well as to couples counseling, but I have not brought up the physical stuff for fear of repercussions that could impact our young children. I just want this to stop, and I don’t want my children to grow up thinking it’s normal for their father to treat me with such disrespect.

    • Physical abuse is not disrespect, its violence and its incredibly dangerous. BUT, any good DV-organization should be able to give you assistance in at least safety-planning and strategizing without involving the police and/or the criminal justice system. For example, some strategies include always having a go-bag packed and stored in your trunk, at a friends house, at work wherever with copies of all vital info about your children and you, with some cash, and a pre-paid cell-phone. Because if/when you do decide to leave, you may not be able to get all this if you go to shelter.

      Technically, in some states you can get a restraining order that merely orders that the perpetrator stop the abuse and not that he stay away from you. But, those orders are only enforceable if you’re willing to call the cops in the event that he violates, which it sounds like you’re not.

      Now let me add this. I know its scary to think about leaving a partner. And there will be people here and elsewhere who tell you you’re being stupid for not leaving, but I understand that there are a million reasons people don’t leave husbands who abuse them. I really do. But violence and abuse doesn’t stop. It really only gets worse. And you have to remember that its cyclical, not just within a relationship but between generations, so if you have a daughter she may grow up to think that its okay for a man to hit her and if you have a son he may grow up to think its all right to hit. I know the thought of leaving probably makes you feel isolated and alone, but you have more resources out there then you think. You just have to ask for the help.

      But the short answer is — if he’s been to anger management and you’ve been to counseling, there isn’t a silver bullet. I’m so sorry this is happening to you — remember — there’s help out there when you decide to use it.

      • “But violence and abuse doesn’t stop. It really only gets worse.”

        I think this is untrue and unhelpful. While I certainly wouldn’t suggest that a woman remain in a relationship with an abuser in the vague hope that he’ll change, people who want to change can change. The same is true for drug users, alcoholics, and people with all other kinds of problems – if and when they decide they want to change, with help, they can change. I can’t say if the OP’s husband is someone who wants to change, but if he’s taking positive steps in that direction, I completely understand why she doesn’t want to give up on him yet.

        • honestly, this is the most idiotic thing I have ever read.

          Once your an addict your always an addict. an alcoholic is always an alcoholic. they may be able to be sober and stop using, but all will tell you they are just one drink away from having a problem again.

          her husband will always be an abuser. Sure, its possible he could get help and get better, but unlike alcoholism and addiction, beating a woman IS NOT A DISEASE. no one is addicted to hitting their wife. They do it to control her, demean her, show power, or just because he can. it is completely different than an addiction.

          • I may be an idiot, but I’m a relationship violence survivor and I also believe people can change. But by your own theory, you will always be an @sshole.

          • I’m not an @sshole. But to suggest that domestic violence is like an addiction I do find idiotic. I’m speaking from years of experience with dv victims. And while I wouldn’t say no one can ever change, you have to realize that realistically, the majority of violent people do not change. I think it was extremely unhelpful, and even dangerous, for you to give the advice you gave that hey! people can change! people change all the time. Addiction is completely different from physically abusing someone.

        • Wow…this has stirred up some strong feelings for me. Hugs to anon and the other posters on this topic. Yes, people who want to change can change. However…and this is what the OP needs to focus on… she has NO control over whether he will change or not. I believe you should never stay with an abuser because “you don’t want to give up on him just yet.”. There are NO positive steps towards ending abuse. It either ends or it doesn’t. Anon has the responsibility to herself and her kids to get them out of an abusive situation. Period. Doesn’t mean giving up on or stopping loving the person who is the abuser. Wish him well, pray for him, encourage him to get help. It means putting your safety and your kids safety first. It is NOT safe to stay where there is violence.

          Anon, I echo the advice given here by others that you get into individual counseling and
          tell the counselor the truth. You need someone to help you tease out your conflicted
          feelings.

        • I understand that you believe that people can change and want to have faith, but having worked with DV survivors, abusers rarely change without major intervention. As in — separation, serious and long term abuser focused therapy, and limited contact.

          But…I also believe that the choice has to be made by the person in the situation. They are the only ones who understand the actual safety of the situation.

    • Anne Shirley :

      Sometimes, as a mother, you need to do the thing you can’t/don’t want to do. Here, that could mean bringing this up in counseling. Are you worried about them being required to report suspected instances of child abuse? You could call an anonymous domestic violence hotline to get advice about whether what you are experiencing might trigger that.

      The thing is, while an ideal situation might be him stopping, you can’t make that happen. So if you don’t want your children to grow up thinking the situation is normal, you may need to leave. Is there a women’s shelter in your area? This might be a good place to go to start thinking about how you can change can’t/don’t to can/must.

    • Has he been physically violent to your young children? If not, and if he’s not abusive to them, there’s no reason that bringing this up in counseling would lead to repercussions that could impact them. Your counselor will not report your husband’s violence toward you unless it threatens your life or unless you want the counselor to report it. (If there is physical abuse of your children, then you need some serious counseling on your own, because you’re putting your children at serious risk by not reporting the abuse, and you should report it immediately.)

      I’ve been in an abusive relationship too, and I know it is not so simple to resolve it or to leave. You should bring it up in counseling as soon as possible and discuss it with your counselor, and you each probably need to pursue individual counseling. The fact that your husband is coming to anger management classes and couples counseling demonstrates that he knows he has a problem and wants to work on it. This is a positive step, but you can’t work on a problem when you haven’t told the full truth to your counselor. If you want your marriage to survive and become happy, you need to give your counselor all the information he or she needs to help you work things out. You may also find it beneficial to go on your own to a group therapy session for women in abusive relationships; your counselor could certainly recommend one.

      I know it’s tough. You’re not alone.

      • In my state at least, DV in the presence of children, even if not directed at them, will trigger a child welfare investigation. It’s emotionally abusive to the children to see physical violence between parents, and it f*cks them up good, from a mental health perspective.

        I don’t know if your counselor would make a report, they may not be aware of the above (that DV in presence of children is enough). But to be safe, you can say that he never does it when the children are there. Not that I advocate lying to your counselor, but this would be the best way to avoid involving the police/protective services and still clue your counselor in to the physical violence, which is critical if they’re actually going to be able to help.

        As other posters have suggested, there are a lot of nonprofit organizations that will offer counseling and resources for you w/o involving the police unless you want them to. It’s hard to be specific without knowing your location. If it’s any consolation, even if someone reported it, very few jurisdictions will pursue charges for DV w/o a cooperating victim (unfortunately, but seems to work into what you want).

    • What about individual counseling for you? Could you do it on the down low, if necessary? It might help you clarify your feelings, as well as talk through particularly strategies with an impartial but supportive person?

    • I feel for you and want you to know that you are not alone. I would encourage you to contact your local women’s shelter. In Canada certainly many shelters have excellent community outreach workers who might be able to assist you in accessing resources available to your family locally.

      I, too, find it encouraging that your husband has been prepared to pursue counseling in the past. However, domestic violence cannot properly be addressed through couple’s counseling or, indeed, anger management counseling. I believe that most professionals in this area would agree that domestic violence offender treatment and anger management are two separate concepts. Offender treatment is quite often a lengthy process, with the initial phase sometimes months in duration. Although such programs often involve the partner of an offender through partner checks, they really are something designed to be completed by the offender. It may be that such a program is available in your area and that your husband may be prepared to commit to completing it.

      I agree wholeheartedly with TCFKAG that there is no “silver bullet” and that you should also consider some safety planning for yourself, but I can tell you that there are families who, through hard work on the part of the offender, are able to survive this kind of situation. I truly hope that will be the case for you and yours.

      Doing nothing will almost certainly ensure the situation will remain the same or escalate. I think it is wonderful that you are searching for a way to address your situation. Do not give up – you will find the way forward for you and your children.

    • anon, my heart is breaking for you. You say you’re afraid the repercussions of bringing up your husband’s physical abuse in counseling might harm your children–but have you thought about how harmful it is to be in a house with a father who abuses their mother? What do you think that’s teaching them? What do you think they’re feeling, when they’re listening to your husband scream at you? Hit you?

      You can’t make your husband stop abusing you. That power resides solely with him. As others have said, please get in touch with your local women’s shelter or a domestic violence hotline. They can help you discuss your options, and make sure that you have a plan in place if your husband escalates the violence.

    • scientist :

      My father was abusive to my mother, for years. She was so wrapped up in her world that she missed the abuse that I received from the age of 5 until 11 when I told her. And even then, it was hard for all of us.

      Now, I have a hard time having respect for my mother. She stayed because she was afraid that he was right, that she wasn’t smart enough or strong enough to be on her own. And because she waited so long, that became the truth.

      Please, please, PLEASE, leave. Talk to the one person you trust the most, get your things, your kids, and get out. It will be harder the longer you wait.

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      1.) Here is the number to a national DV hotline. 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) Here is their web address: http://www.thehotline.org/

      2.) Research this stuff on computers he can’t check like your work computer or library unless you are 100% confident in your ability to clear all evidence of your research. You don’t want him knowing you are seeking advice. There is more info on this and a quick “escape from this website” button on the website listed above.

      3.) Read Gavin De Becker’s Gift of Fear.

      4.) Know that we are all pulling for you. Keep checking in here when you need support and letting us know how you are doing.

      • Anonymous :

        Also read:
        Lundy Bancroft’s
        Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

        he specifically addresses questions of what can be changed and what cannot and gives good advice on finding the right help for the man.

    • OP here. Thank you all for taking the time to write and offer suggestions. You have given me a lot to think about, and helped me think more objectively. I am aware of many of the issues raised, but as those of you who have been in similar situations know, real life is not black and white.

      It’s late now, but I do want to address some concerns. First of all, my husband does not mistreat the children (in fact he’s otherwise a great parent), but the incidents have occurred in front of them. Second, there are complicating factors: I am currently unemployed, do not live in my home country, and do not have a support system of family or close friends whom I care to involve in this. Third, my understanding was that the counselor would have been forced to report domestic violence taking place in a household with young children present. My main concern is that this might somehow lead to the kids being taken away, and secondly that it could affect my husband’s job (and thus ability to provide financial support).

      I don’t know why I never thought of contacting an anonymous DV hotline/organization. That is what I am going to do. Right now what I really need is to be able to talk with a professional with experience in such things, to seek advice and to explore my options, without fear of unintended consequences.

      I don’t feel comfortable going into more detail here, but please know that I appreciate all of your comments, and have taken to heart what you have all said.

      • OP — it is a very, very good idea to talk to a anonymous DV counselor. Some things you should know:

        (1) If you are concerned about your legal status (for example, if your green card arises from your marriage), there is a green card application status specifically for victims of crimes that is frequently used by victims of DV. A DV advocacy place could connect you to a pro-bono attorney who could help you understand this.

        (2) There are concerns with restraining orders, especially if your husband works in an industry where background checks or issues on your criminal background check can be an issue. But, this can be used as a bargaining chip in separation cases where you do decide to leave — but again, that’s only something to keep in mind for safety planning when you DO decide you’re ready to go.

        (3) Try to remember that if you do separate, there are options. Public benefits, and DV agencies will help you get through until you can get on your feet. The court also has ways to order your husband to continue support without disclosing your location, if that is necessary (that can even include visitation with your children — such as a neutral party doing children exchanges). Again, these are issues DV advocates can talk to you about because they deal with them frequently.

        Good luck. Sometimes talking about it is the first step. But please, do remember, the time where you first decide or even think of leaving is most dangerous. Be aware of your safety and really do talk to a DV advocate about safety planning.

      • I’m really proud of you for taking this step; you’re doing the right thing for yourself and your children. Please stay safe and keep us updated.

        I know that nonprofits and government services provide aid regardless of immigration status. After coming up with a safety plan, your very next step is to talk about your immigration status with an attorney. (a DV counselor can help set this up)

        http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/information-for-immigrants/

        http://www.uscis.gov/portal/site/uscis/menuitem.5af9bb95919f35e66f614176543f6d1a/?vgnextoid=8707936ba657d210VgnVCM100000082ca60aRCRD&vgnextchannel=8a2f6d26d17df110VgnVCM1000004718190aRCRD

  31. Charmed Girl :

    So, for your random Sunday afternoon, here are a couple of unrelated questions.

    In the recent Nordstom sale, I bought the skirt in blue spectrum. I love the color, but can’t figure out what to wear with it other than a black sweater set. Fashionable ladies, please help!

    Also, I’m going to be traveling to San Francisco next week from the east coast and so will be looking for an early dinner. I’m wanting to try the Slanted Door, but pulled the trigger too late to make reservations (nothing available). Does anyone know if there is a bar and if that is a good option for a most-likely single diner?

    Cheers!

    • I'm Just Me :

      Depending on the shade of blue, coral/orange, yellow, some greens. Camel/beige/taupe and grey are always safe. Some purple/violets can go with some blues.

      • Charmed Girl :

        Thanks, its a pretty zow-ey blue, so I think the camels and greys would work. The other colors would be good accent colors. Thanks for helping me think beyond my normal monochrome self :)

    • yup, they have a bar and you can eat at the bar; I have in the past (by myself as well). Another option for Slanted Door food, is their Out the Door restaurant in the Bloomie’s shopping center. Definitely not as nice, but they do have good food.

      • Charmed Girl :

        Thanks Anon– I think I’ll give the bar a try. Uncharacteristically, I was in SF earlier this spring and wanted to go then and wasn’t able to make it, this will probably be my chance…

    • Betsy Bee :

      My husband and I were in San Francisco a few weekends ago and also struck out with reservations at the Slanted Door. Undeterred, we just showed up around 8 and were seated right away at a community table! Very large space and felt private. Highly recommend giving that a shot and they also have open seating at the bar. Amazing food and top-notch service. Enjoy!!!

    • I have this blue. I’ve also worn it with button down with pale purple pin stripes as well as patterns with blue in it.

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