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Something on your mind? Chat about it here.
There's a lot of speculation about what workwear will be like once the majority of folks head back to the office. A lot of the retailers are apparently betting on a new “workleisure” hybrid, like suits with hoodies. Maybe! Sure! Why not!
My own guess is that people will have a lower volume of “work clothes” that pretty much look like before, and lots of items (like this sweater) that you can wear to the office but also comfortably wear at home, running errands, meeting teachers, whatever with a pair of jeans (or faux leather leggings, as pictured). (I'm trying to work on putting together a capsule wardrobe where you can make a bunch of work outfits from a relatively minimal collection — stay tuned for that.) (Although I do think wireless bras have come a LONG way in availability/sizing/acceptability in recent years, and that may stay — I'm kind of psyched to see that one of my favorite nursing bra brands now makes regular bras too.)
This specific sweater is cashmere, from Halogen, and affordable to start — but in the big Nordstrom Half-Yearly Sale some colors are as low as $20 in both regular and plus sizes. Love. (Here are all of our picks from the sale!)
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Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anonymous
A thread from this morning reminded me of this – would a vague “want to travel more for a few years” be a reason to stay in an easy job with ample vacation time that isn’t good professionally, rather than pursuing busier jobs that may be better for you?
My industry is hot right now, which is rare, so it’s possible I COULD get a new job. I really want a new job. Yet what’s holding me back is that feeling of – but this job is easy street, and I want to travel and going to a new job I won’t get to (less vacation time maybe; back to jobs where it’s more hours, more face time etc.).
Spent my 20s-late 30s working 24-7 and making/saving/investing $$$$. Finally occurred to me in 2019 after a health issue that the time is now — I can live life a little while I have the time, young enough, have $$ etc. And then the pandemic happened 6 months later, so that’s that. I know we can travel now but I’m high risk, there are all kinds of variants etc. that it just doesn’t feel comfortable. Yet I know the job I’m at is not the job I can stay at forever. I’ve said for YEARS I want to move on from this and now that it might be possible it’s like – a busy job, but what about the trips I want to take? WWYD?
Anon
How sure are you a new job would hold you back from traveling? My thought is that this upcoming year might be a good time to get established at a new job while travel prospects remain dicey. But if you can find a job that offers the same amount of vacation time by specifically looking for one, maybe you could get the new job now and travel more once the world is a little safer for high risk?
Cornellian
I have almost the same timeline. Worked my butt off and lived off of 30% of my salary from 25-32, then left in 2019 at 32 nine months before the pandemic hit.
I’m now able to get jobs paying literally 600K plus signing bonus plus annual bonus, but I feel like I’m still recovering from the last round of stress, and I’m pretty sure I’m not ready to do it again successfully. What I’m doing is staying put, and focusing how much I’ve already saved and have to leverage. It sounds like we’re in different industries, though, so mine may cycle through “hot” more often, and like you’re older than me, so our calculus may vary. There doesn’t seem to be anything lost by updating your resume and taking calls, so long as it doesn’t take too much away from your mental energy/time.
Anon
What kind of work do you do?! That is an incredible salary.
MechanicalKeyboard
Right? Give us the goods. :-)
Cornellian
Ha, these are BigLaw counsel/junior partner offers in investment management. I left biglaw for public practice but have played with going back. Now would be a lucrative time to do so.
Anonymous
You don’t need to justify your life choices to anyone. If this works for you enjoy it!
Anon
If it’s workable in your field, there’s never been a better time to be a digital nomad. Multiple countries are offering incentives for multi-month to year-long stays.
No Face
I’m always team apply for another job. Applying is not committing. If you get an offer, negotiate more vacation time and take ample time off between jobs. If the new job won’t go for that, politely decline the offer and stay where you are.
Monte
Exactly what I came here to say. If you want a new job, apply and see what is out there. The new gig could be flexible on location or give you what you want on vacation time. And I always negotiate a healthy break between jobs so I can take a long vacation, travel, and then jump into the new gig without feeling like I am missing out on something. But there is no reason not to test the waters.
Anonymous
I would spend some time thinking about what success in life is for you. Are you working to live or living to work? Probably somewhere in the middle, but give it some thought.
Anonymous
Do you travel with your parents (or inlaws) if they want to travel but won’t go alone anymore, even if you don’t want to? Would you do it even though you know you won’t enjoy it (they’re both high anxiety – he has a health issue though is allowed to travel/live normally yet they both have anxiety about it)?
They’re getting older (early and mid 70s), didn’t travel when they could have more easily (saving $$) and now mom wants to but won’t leave dad home alone (no friends and family to stay with so that’s not an option). So mom never gets to go anyplace which breaks my heart to hear her say it would be a dream to go to London – I mean it’s a 7 hr flight and I’ve been there a half dozen times. Yet going with them could mean anything from we do 30 min of activity/day and then sit in the hotel (me required as well) to last minute cancelation. I get limited vacation time and don’t travel much myself so when I get to get away I want a break not stress, yet IDK I feel bad going places too since mom hasn’t. Thoughts?
Cat
No, but we do help them find appropriate tour groups to go with. My grandparents visited lots of Europe with Tauck in that age range.
Senior Attorney
I think this is the best plan. Especially because it doesn’t sound like OP’s mom has actually come right out and asked her to travel with them.
Aerin
Second this. When I was working at the Mouse, my mom came out for a last-minute visit and I couldn’t get the day off. I got her into the park but knew that if left to her own devices, she’d just sit n a bench all day texting my stepdad. So I got her on one of the tours and she loved it.
Anonymous
If they are interested in making a trip into a learning sort of experience my mom was looking into Roads Scholars.
anon a mouse
My 70-ish parents have done a few of these and really liked them. I was jealous of the one to the San Juan Islands, it looked awesome.
Anonymous
My grandparents did these in the 80s when it was called Elderhostel and it was amazing. It gave them adventure and entertainment and travel that they never could have gotten on their own.
Anonymous
I would go to London with them, but in no way would I sit in the hotel with them when they’re ready for a break. I would invite a friend to join the trip too and go do something during the day with the friend. You definitely need to assert boundaries with your parents if this is going to work.
Allie
This seems like a problem of her own making — she’s setting you up as the only option when she has other options: hire people to check in on her husband, travel together w/o you, go with another couple, join a group tour for seniors etc. No, I would not go under those circumstances.
Anonymous
You do not have to solve this problem for them. I travel with my parents because I enjoy it! You don’t, so skip it.
No Face
Your mom has chosen to not travel without your father. She can make a different choice. (Is it actually dangerous to leave him alone?) It also sounds like you feel you would have to stay in the hotel all day if they wanted to stay in the hotel all day. Not true – people who travel together don’t have to spend every second together. Is this an unspoken belief in your family? That everyone has to do everything together?
But to answer your question, don’t travel with your parents if you won’t enjoy it.
Anonymous
No.
Anon 2.0
I would find a way to make it work. My grandmother still talks about her life regret of not taking her own mother to the beach. My grandmother grew up poor in the rural south and vacations were just not a thing. Once my grandma married and moved out her mother would always talk about going to the beach but the timing was never right, it never happened etc then her mother passed away completely unexpectedly. Obviously, this example is specific and my grandma, presumably, had a good relationship with her mother.
Is hiring a caretaker to stay with dad an option? Or just have a heart to heart conversation up front about your expectations, what happens if they want to stay in the room, etc.
anon
To some degree, yes. I wouldn’t use my limited vacation time and limited financial resources to go to London, just to sit in a hotel room all day. But my MIL’s husband is actually at a point where it is not safe to leave him alone. There is family he can stay with, but that depends on their schedule too. So the choice is to travel without MIL or to travel with both her and her husband, even though he’s anxious and will probably spend the whole time in the hotel room, etc. That means we’ll get a condo at a beach 4 hours away, or at a cabin in a state park, or at an AirBNB 6 miles away, and we’ll do a long weekend instead of 9-10 days.
anon
Why are you required to sit in the hotel with them? Have an international cell service (google fi or whatever) so mom can call in case of an emergency but if the parents can’t handle not having you by their side at all times then maybe travels aren’t for them.
I travel with my parents annually pre-covid and they’re also anxious older people, but they’re fine with us sometimes separating for a few hours throughout the day. Or if I want to hike farther out than they can walk they’d gladly sit at a bench and wait for me to come back. There are ways to make it work but only if everyone is willing to compromise.
Anonymous
We do it for special occasions – Florida for my mom’s 65th, camping in Italy for my MIL’s 70th. Neither was a location I’d pick but they were very meaningful trips.
Is your company supportive of WFH? Could you WFH from London for a couple half days since your mom’s up for full day touring anyway? Like leave Wednesday night, tour around thursday morning, work thursday afternoon (morning in NYC), same on Friday, weekend, holiday monday, fly back Tuesday. Your mom feels like she’s been in London for a week but you’ve only been out of the office fully for one day (Tuesday).
Anon
I’d go once and plan an itinerary – maybe even a tour though they’re not my thing.
Anonymous
If what you want is permission not to travel with them, with all that entails – of course you have permission not to this.
If what you want are some ideas on how it might work if you decide you want to do it, here’s a suggestion:
Fly over on the same plane, but don’t book as a group of 3 (or 4, with your travelling companion). Book as 2+1(2) so that any last minute changes, cancellations etc on their part means that it’s easy to cancel their trip, and you go on yours. You don’t need to sit together on the plane – for long distance it can be okay to have some breathing/sleeping room.
Book them in at the Staybridge Suites in Vauxhall or similar. I’ve never stayed there (allergic, and this hotel is pet friendly), but it’s a normal American-style hotel with kitchen facilities in each room. Which means that if they need to rest for a day, or want to stay in for a comforting just-as-home lunch, they can. And they have a little more space to stay in if they are tired.
Get everybody an oystercard on arrival, and fill it to the brim, unless they are strictly taxi people. At Vauxhall there is a tube station, lots of buses and even a ferry stop – the ferry will take you to Tate Britain, Embankment, Tate Modern etc. The excellent Imperial War Museum is a 20 min walk from this hotel, Big Ben maybe 25-30 mins walk, if they like hiking. Lovely green spaces right outside, with Vauxhall pleasure gardens.
Plan to do ONE thing together each day, and maybe one meal. And then go do your own thing for the rest of the day/evening. If they want to do more than one thing – great! They can do what they want, you have plans.
Get them settled into a rhythm, and then YOU (+1) take the train to Paris and enjoy yourself alone for a few days, while they rest and do touristy things in their own tempo. Come back on the train, exchange experiences, have dinner and see a show.
If anything is booked and they don’t want to go – that’s fine! But YOU go, and you enjoy yourself, don’t babysit them while they’re resting or sulking.
But again, this suggestion is only if you actually want to find a way, don’t let your Mother guilt-trip you.
Senior Attorney
These are all good suggestions!
Anonymous
I would start small and see how it goes. Maybe an all inclusive resort for a long weekend?
Also this is what cruises are made for – people who want a little flavor of different places but don’t want to deal with the hassles of travel. Everything is planned for you, there’s no figuring out where to eat or what to do in a foreign country. Lots of cruises leave out of London, so you could spend a weekend in London then get on the boat before the anxiety gets out of control. And if they want to sit in their cabin the whole time? You’ll be by the pool with a frozen margarita. Just don’t let them talk you into staying in a cabin with them.
Anon
Are you the person who was scared of taking Advil because her mom thought it was dangerous? I think you need to cut the cord.
KH
What is wrong with you, Sherlock?
Anonymous
Are you the person who “recognizes” the patterns of anonymous commenters & tries to call them out for … having conversations/having topics they talk about in open threads?
In all seriousness, what are you trying to accomplish? People aren’t required to have usernames here & are permitted to discuss anything … so what are we supposed to do with your analysis exactly? Find it tedious & wonder if you’re fun at parties?
Anonymous
As someone who did Sedona with my mom and drove all the way to the Grand Canyon to spend a half hour or so there because she was wiped out after the parking lot, DO. NOT. DO. IT. We normally get along really well–we talk on the phone every day or two, but it was nothing but a bad time. I was miserable spending so much time lounging around when I wanted to be hiking or shopping or looking at art or eating a nice dinner that wasn’t super early. She was miserable being dragged around by me. Unless you’re planning a trip where you’re literally just sitting by a pool or being driven around on tour busses or something, it is not worth the stress.
Of Counsel
I can travel happily with my mother and stepfather, but traveling with my dad is a chore (and adding his wife makes it even worse). But yes – I would and have taken trips with him and used my incredibly limited vacation time to do it despite it not being particularly enjoyable. I do it because he is my father and he will not be around forever (he is not that old but is in poor health.) And it means a lot to him for us to do things together.
We make it work by (1) making sure we have our own rooms; (2) making sure we have our own transportation if we are in a place without good public transportation/cabs/Uber; (3) he need to rest every afternoon and I do not hang around for 2-3 hours waiting for him. I take my cell phone so he can reach me and I do other things. Similarly, we eat dinner together but I am not waiting around for him to be ready to get moving in the morning; (4) If there is something I really want to do that he does not, we separate for a day (although only if the trip is more than 3-4 days. Otherwise I reconcile myself do doing things he is physically able to handle.
In your case I would go with your mother to London because it is her dream to go. This is not likely to be an annual trip. It is one week out of your life. But I would make it absolutely clear in advance that you are still going if they cancel, that the cost of cancelation is on them, and that you will not be hanging around a hotel for hours while they nap or relax.
Formerly Lilly
This is giving me flashbacks. Mother: I never go anywhere I want to take a trip to a Charleston. Me: ok.
Ist day-
Mother: we’ve been walking for miles (snarling).
Me: it’s been two blocks.
Mother: it’s been miles. You’re trying to kill me. (Piteously)
Me: Sit on that bench. I’ll go get the car (to take you two blacks back to the hotel.)
Rest of a long weekend in Charleston: things you can see from the car. Gah.
Anon
You can do these things if you assume the role of adult. It’s a lot of together time, and I have an easier time with my parents individually than together. But the rules are similar to vacationing with other families – if it works to do something together, we do it, if now, we part for the day. Generally, evening meals together although I usually know someone in most parts of the world, so I’ll duck out for a nice dinner or two on my own. Separate rooms in hotels or large Airbnb rentals only. The “required to” part of your post makes me think you’re not quite independent enough to pull it off.
Lori L.
I did this with my in-laws. My mother-in-law desperately wanted to go to Edinburgh, but my father-in-law was in the very early stages of dementia. Truthfully, I think it would have been better to leave him at home, but, he was extremely anxious. And I get the issues–my father-in-law got anxious when left with different people and his anxiety spiraled without her for reassurance. So we all went to Edinburgh together. Here’s what worked for us:
1. Morning tours–arrange a bus tour for the three of you where they just sit and look out the window. They feel they’ve seen something, but you don’t have to worry about them tripping, not keeping up, or wandering off because you will be outnumbered. Safe and contained. You could email the hotel concierge and ask for tour suggestions and have some things booked in advance.
2. Nice lunch, then rest for them. Tell them they need to pace themselves. They have a nap or watch tv. You go shopping or to a museum or to a spa. I got little resistance about this because the jet lag really hit them by afternoon.
3. One day pre-book afternoon tea at Fortnum & Mason’s. Never met an elderly person who did not love this. Take a black cab for the iconic experience. While they linger over tea, you can go downstairs and shop the food hall for some treats and souvenirs.
4. Early dinner. Bed for them. You go to the theatre or flake out in the hotel room and watch movies.
Final tip: Consider booking wheelchair assistance for them when you book your flights because Heathrow is exhausting. Good luck. BTW, I have never regretted taking them on this trip. At the time, it was arduous in some respects, I felt anxious, like I was taking away from my own vacation time. But once they were gone, this is one of my best memories. My father-in-law even snuck out of the hotel room one evening and collected all the shoes that had been left out for shoe shining and brought them back to our room, Lol. Super helpful! I have no idea how the hotel sorted that out. But we laugh about this all the time (not in a mean way), but because it underscored his fundamental kindness. This memories are worth everything. Do it!
Flats Only
This is perfect – great job!
anon
Wheelchair assistance FTW!!! I travelled with a not-elderly relative who had some mobility issues and the wheelchair assistance was amazing, especially when we were making connections on tight timelines between European cities.
Anonymous
If you’ve back to your home state or home area, can you discuss why you made the move; how you knew it was time to make the move etc.? Especially interested if the reasons were anything other than raising grandkids near family/help with kids. Also would be interested if you thought about making such a move but decided not to.
Anonymous
DH and I are forever DINKs we considered moving back to where our parents live but decided against it for a few reasons. Where they live just isn’t that nice, our careers can only really be done in one city (possibly two but that would require a move across the globe), but lastly and probably most importantly it would seriously eat into our free time. Our parents have no boundaries and would show up all the time and meddle in our lives if we lived in the same city, the distance requires our parents to plan trips and keep healthier boundaries.
Anon
Eldercare. Parent refused to do estate planning, county took his money and home when he was declared incompetent. We are childfree, but it has stagnated my career to the point that early retirement is no longer possible for us.
Make a will and trust, people.
Anonymous
Moved back to my home state of CA to attend the top-ranked grad school in my field and to save money on tuition (public school). Access to decent jobs, Tahoe, Yosemite, and countless other outdoor destinations were also factors. DINK, parents live 90 mins away and wouldn’t be too useful for anything other than occasional childcare if we were to have kids. We’re actually hoping to relocate elsewhere in the Mountain West anyway.
Sunshine
As an adult, I’m friends with my parents. When I lived in another state, I found myself regularly thinking: “I wish I were having dinner with Mom and Dad tonight” or “I wish Mom were around to go shopping together today.” Once I thought that frequently enough, I decided to move back. Additionally, my mom has significant health problems that mean she will not live to be an old lady, and I wanted to spend more time with her while she is alive. Our relationship is reciprocal and we all have healthy boundaries that everyone respects. If we are available and feel like it, we hang out. When someone isn’t available or doesn’t feel like it for any reason, we don’t hang out; no questions asked or pressure applied. I got married after I moved back to my home city and fortunately my husband fits into this scene. We don’t plan to have kids, so that was not a motivator at all.
Anonymous
I am divorced and had been hoping to move back to my home state for quite some time but waited until I found the right job. I’m in academia so it’s hard to pick and chose location. My brother, sister, mother and uncle all live in the same large metropolitan area. I was very lucky to land a job near them — I was aiming for the same state. We are all close and I missed them dearly. My sister has two kids and I wanted to be there to watch them grow up. I’ve been back four years now and have zero regrets. The location is much better than where I was living. I’ve had some job tradeoffs but I made a move for lifestyle and never looked back.
Anonymous
We have kids but moved back 4 years before we had them for mostly non-kid reasons. DH and I decided we weren’t ‘big city’ people after living in a big city for 5 years. DH missed easy/quick access to the outdoors – like 15 minutes drive to wilderness trail running. I missed short commute times – currently live literally 5 minutes drive to my office. Come home for lunch lots of days.
We end up back in my home small city instead of his hometown because his hometown was turning into a vacation destination for neighboring big city and real estate prices skyrocketed. We were able to buy a comfortable three bedroom house of the same monthly payment as a one bedroom rent payment in the big city we left. And that meant with had more space while still having lots of cash for travel which is something we love. We got a yard and then got a dog which was great. Obv you can have a dog in the city but way easier to let them run in and out the doggy door vs. taking elevator down to walk on sidewalk.
Monday
I moved back to my home town at age 36, then single with no kids. It was the single best decision I ever made! My reasons included: it’s a great place, I’m employable here, my siblings and one surviving parent are here, and I knew I had nieces/nephews coming in the future. Nobody in the family seems to be planning to leave the area, ever.
It’s been really cool to re-join the community after almost 20 years away. I feel a deep (cheesy) sense of belonging to this place, but am also proud of the ways it has evolved. And because I work in public service, I feel like I’m contributing. I’m glad I did the big-city thing in my twenties, but now I am grateful to be around extended family with the feeling that people aren’t always coming and going.
Katie R.N.
Wow Monday, from a 35 year old on the verge of this decision, thank you.
Monday
You’re welcome! And if your handle means you’re an RN–I’m in health care too. There’s something powerful about caring for patients in a place that feels deeply like home.
Anon
We moved to my home state for lifestyle reasons – better weather, slower pace of life, lower cost of living, decent job opportunities (though not as great as NYC) and I never adapted to snow, despite 15 years of it as an adult out of my home state. We picked a city new to both of us so my husband didn’t feel disadvantaged not being from the area and we are a couple hours from my opinionated parents. It’s been two years and I’ve never regretted it.
Anonymous
I moved back for career reasons. Despite having lived in my alma mater state from 17 to 28 for two degrees, with a short stint of work in between, I knew that I could more easily build a business near home where people still know my name from high school. My family was no longer there, so that was not a factor at all.
pugsnbourbon
My wife and I (DINKs) moved 2-3 hours from our respective Midwest hometowns after a couple years in DC. We knew we didn’t want to stay in DC for the long term – too expensive, too crowded, etc. And we wanted to live where we could take a weekend trip to see our families. There were trade-offs – I miss the Metro – but we’re Midwesterners at heart and this is the right place for us. With aging parents and new niblings, it’s great that we can hop in the car and get there when we need to.
Kinda Moved Home
Moved back because I was never going to be able to afford a house without a monster commute. I liked Southern California but I was tired of the traffic and the rat race where I never seemed to get ahead. I could live very comfortably in home state because I was basically making the same amount of money but the cost of living was much lower. Went back to home state (although still about 2 hours from home town) because I knew it and had contacts that were helpful in finding a job. And in the back of my mind I was worried about my parents getting older and trying to coordinate care/help them out from across the country as their only daughter. It was completely unnecessary at the time but because more and more of an issue as the years went by. No regrets at all, although I sometimes miss things about LA, I do not miss it taking an hour to get anywhere.
Anon
After law school I wanted to move back to my home state to be closer to family, not because I ever plan on having children (I don’t) but because I generally like them and wanted to be able to use my limited vacation time exploring new parts of the world instead of always flying back to my hometown for holidays, family weddings, etc.
Anonymous
I moved from New York back to California. It was partly for family reasons, but mostly it was because I just wasn’t happy in New York anymore. Practicing BigLaw in NYC is not for the faint of heart, and there came a moment where the combination of housing costs, work pressure, and NY life just wore me down. I still love New York, but I did not love practicing law in New York. I thought that I might just be running away, but it turns out that practicing law in California is legitimately different from New York. I am much happier here – much happier with my job, with my practice, with my life in general. There are meaningful regional differences.
One thing I will say about the family piece is that it ended up not mattering a lot to me. We live 3 hours from my parents and sister and see them maybe 5 times a year. We honestly could have just flown to each other if we’d wanted to. Unless 1) you are moving in next door to family and 2) your family legitimately wants and demonstrates their ability to provide help, I would never recommend moving for family help. My sister moved to a house five blocks away and still feels like she doesn’t get help.
Anonymous
We moved to the Midwest a few years ago to be closer to my parents who offered free childcare. We also liked the lower cost of living compared to NYC, which we knew was no longer working for us but we didn’t know where else might. We see it as a pitstop but it is likely 15+ years (until my kids graduate high school or my parents die, whichever comes last). We’ll see.
MechanicalKeyboard
Honesty, I was broke an needed to figure life out. I didn’t think I’d ever move back to my home state but I did for a bit and met my husband and have stayed for ten years. It feels insane type that out.
Bonnie Kate
We moved back to our home area. We’re forever DINKS. We actually started our careers in our home area building the business DH’s dad had started while we were in college, and then moved to a different state for a year (basically taking a sabbatical) and moved back and re-joined the business. We did not know we were going to come back after a year, but chose to come back. It was a combination of wanted to re-join and build the business that we very much believe in, and being close to family/friends/community. This area is also the best for the hobbies that my husband is passionate about, and my hobbies can easily be done anywhere. The business was probably 70% of the reason we came back, other reasons 30%. Specifically I love being close to my best friend and nieces and nephews. We don’t live in our hometown, but just over the county line 25 minutes away which is a real sweet spot – not close enough for pop-ins from all the family/friends but close enough to go over whenever we want. We’ve now built our dream home on a beautiful 7 acre wooded property and I can’t imagine moving away.
bbb
I need jeans short help.
My skinny jeans have enough structure that they hold in my tummy. I need that in some jean shorts, and I’m not sure why I can’t find it! I also don’t want them to be too tight on the thighs. Any suggestions?
eertmeert
Can you get a duplicate pair of the jeans you like on ebay and then make them into cutoffs?
Anonymous
Kut from the Kloth Jane! Medium-high rise that holds in the tummy + loose legs. They run huge, though. I had to go down two sizes.
Cat
100% co-sign Kut from the Kloth – haven’t tried this particular style but love the pair I picked up last year.
Anonymous
I have high waisted jean shorts from everlane that feel like that
NY CPA
NYDJ jean shorts
Anon for this
I have a colleague who does a similar job to me, although mine is mostly office work and his is mostly public-facing. Over the past several months I have regularly filled in for him when he has been out sick or on vacation, often with little or no notice, including covering his public-facing events. He has not reciprocated because the nature of my work, unlike his, is that it can generally be put on pause if I am out. Last week I had to be out one day unexpectedly, on a day when I had a public-facing event that had to be covered. I asked him to fill in, and he agreed. This was the first time I had asked him to cover for me.
When I got back the next day, I discovered that when my assistant called to say the event was about to start, he “threw a fit” (her words) and said he was too busy to attend. She had to call all around the building looking for someone to cover, and at the end of the day Big Boss called Colleague and ordered him to attend, which he did with bad grace according to my assistant. I was stunned because I have covered for him innumerable times and I had considered us “work friends” if not “friends friends.”
I haven’t seen nor spoken to Colleague since and I have no idea how to handle this. I am certain he will ask me to cover for him again and I can’t imagine just saying yes as though nothing had happened, but I also don’t see refusing, as covering for him is part of my job. (And yes, part of his job is to cover for me if necessary.) What would you do in this situation?
Anon
Is there anything for you to do? If he behaved badly about doing part of his job and Big Boss had to step in, that reflects poorly on him, not you. This might feel personal to you, but from an outside perspective, it’s not. He just made himself look bad in front of others.
Anon
It’s funny, I’m not OP but I read this different. It absolutely is personal. It makes it look like OP didn’t get coverage. I would just confront him. “Joe, you said you would cover my event like I have covered yours many times. You refused to show up until big boss ordered you. WTH?”
OP
Yes, it’s closer to what Anon at 4:07 describes, and that is my thought exactly! I am tempted to confront him. But then I think, “what good would it do, other than to make things even more awkward?”
He’s retiring in October so I am also tempted to just avoid him until he’s gone.
Maybe I just won’t take his phone calls and emails re: coverage like I have been. If he wants coverage he can go through channels. But darn it, that makes me look bad, too, because the expectation from above is that I play nice.
Anon
I think the real audience here is Big Boss – what do they think happened? How does it reflect on you to them? I’d make sure it’s clear to that person that you lined up coverage but colleague flaked and confirm you should nonetheless go back to same colleague in the future for coverage.
LaurenB
Such passiveness! Use your words. Using your words to express disappointment when he let you down isn’t “not playing nice.”
Anon
Does he think you’re his assistant? Like it’s your job to cover for him, but it’s insulting to expect him to cover for you? I’ve had many men try to treat me this way over the course of my career, and let’s just say it hasn’t gone well for them.
LawyrChk
I think it’s easy. Next time he asks, you say no, you are too busy. Hard stop. If he asks why or presses on it, you explain that you’d mistakenly assumed this was reciprocal but at this point cannot continue to cover. He should make other arrangements or reschedule his time off.
Smile and repeat calmly.
anon
I would agree if you were both partners in law firm or something like that. But if their boss stepped in to tell OP’s co-worker to cover, then OP is correct that covering for each other is part of their job descriptions. She’ll look much better if she continues doing her job than if she refuses to do it, even if she has good reason to not want to.
anon
I don’t think this would go over well in many offices at all. But I wouldn’t hesitate to cc the folks who need to know on any emails discussing coverage of future events.
Anonymous
Can you approach Big Boss and note the issue with respect to Colleague’s behavior towards assistant and that you’re not comfortable with Colleague engaging like that again so you propose advising Big Boss of when Colleague is scheduled to cover for you? Colleague may dial it back if he knows Big Boss is aware. And if he insists on telling Big Boss when you are covering for him then it will just emphasize how much more you are doing.
ArenKay
Given that Colleague is retiring in October, this is definitely the best strategy–make sure Big Boss knew you’d asked Colleague to cover you before. I’d mostly be inclined to write off Colleague and ignore him (and yes, not do any more work favors for him).
anonshmanon
I would take the old ask-a-manager approach, contact him for a debrief and ask him: “Last week, you agreed to cover for me at the xyz event, but I heard that you had a conflict after all? What happened there?”
OP
I love this. May actually do it! Thanks!
Anonymous
My new plan with anything 80s-refreshed is to try to visualize Elizabeth Jennings wearing it other than as a disguise in The Americans. She would not wear ill-fitting Mom jeans. She would maybe rock some version of what my dad calls “slacks”.
No Face
I really liked Elizabeth’s styling in that show.
Anonymous
Right? 80s done right. Not bad denim that would give you camel toe and become constricting should you eat a burrito. Or did women just smoke and not actually eat back then?
Anon
My mom and her friends not only smoked and drank coffee all day, they took OTC diet pills that made them jittery and irritable. My mom would have a piece of butterless toast and black coffee for breakfast with her diet pill, and then not eat much of anything for the rest of the day. She was always on edge and headachy. Then she’d quit the diet pills and rebound gain a bunch of weight. I’d love to see someone do a longform article about OTC diet pill use in the 80s because it was definitely a thing; girls I knew in school were taking them as early as 6th grade.
Senior Attorney
And I feel like her dress game was strong, too.
Paging ANON w/Scheduling Issue
Someone a few days ago asked about a recurring problem of sending proposed dates/times to someone and them not following up. Calendly (https://calendly.com/) has totally solved this problem for me. If your org doesn’t allow you to sync your calendar with an outside app, Microsoft Bookings has similar functionality, but it’s not quite as good. Basically you set certain times you are available and then people you send a link to can book time within the parameters you set (including how far out they have to book that time, meeting length etc.). If you sync your calendar, people won’t be able to book anything when you have other meetings or are out of the office. When they book a meeting, it gets automatically added to your calendar.
Anon
I work in a company specialising in Teapots with practices around vendors – lets say Kitchenaid, Cuisinart and Le Creuset. I am mid management in the (smallest) Kitchenaid practice and leadership is hinitng they want to make me the top manager of it, I suspect as a way to retain me (a couple of people with my level of experience and value to the company recently left unexpectedly).
I suspect they are also setting up to eventually sell the business either to Le Creuset or to a big player specialising in Le Creuset.
If they do, what happens to the manager of the Kitchenaid practice?
Anon4this
No one can answer this with certainty for you. It will be part of the deal structure.
Anonymous
Total unknown. Would the new owner sell both lines? Acquire Kitchenaid for its customer base then stop servicing and making kitchenaids and sell only the other brand? Very different situations.
Also, is your knowledge of teapots useful if they are not kitchenaids?
Anonymous
That feeling when you get asked to do an administrative task that isn’t in your job description just because you’re a woman. Sigh (and also nope, not doing it).
Monday
Cheers. Were you asked to do it by email? I’ve been thinking lately that ignoring such emails is ideal. You can say you didn’t see the email if asked later.
Anonymous
I wish. It was through chat and I knew a follow-up was imminent.
Anonymous
I always make a point to assign minute/note taking or meeting scheduling to junior males. Hopefully the next generation is better.
Br@ Saving or Replacing
I have 2 Drew Aerie br@s and they are freying at the point of the strap in the front where it attaches (the little metal circle attaching the strap to the br@). Is this something I could have a tailor stitch up? Not only do I not like to spend a ton on br@s, I don’t wear real ones so much now working from home. Also, this style is no longer sold or found on the usual eb@y or p0shmark sites (I looked). Why is this style specifically important? Embarassingly, it’s one that increases cup size by about 2 and they turn my clothed shape from overly pear to proportionate hourglass, which makes clothes fit better. I haven’t found a good duplicate in current stores so I’m trying to figure out if I can save what I have.
anon
If it’s in bad enough shape to be considering tailoring, it probably needs to go, I’m sorry to say.
Anon
A tailor might be able to replace the straps entirely. Worth asking.
What's Your Favorite item of Clothing?
Tell us what it is and why you love it so much… bonus points if you give a link to the item or something similar; let’s live vicariously and shop each other’s closets!
Anon
I can’t pick one item, but I have several Vince Camuto dresses and I love the perfect fit and comfort of this brand.
Senior Attorney
They’ve got to be close to 10 years old at this point, but I have the GAP Sexy Boyfriend Jeans in two sizes and I still love them. So soft, just roomy enough (and I feel like the shape is coming back after years of skinnies), and I like the lightish wash and fading. Here’s a pair on Poshmark: https://poshmark.com/listing/1969-Gap-Womens-Sexy-Boyfriend-Jeans-26-60b2a111fdd4cd73fa121358
Anon
What size do you wear I have 3 pairs of Sexy Boyfriend, new with the tags on that are yours if they will fit.
Anonymous Canadian
This is one of the nicest comments I have seen today. I gave away a pair of Eileen Fisher pants on this site one time and I’m sure I got more out of doing it than the recipient did wearing them. But well done, you.
Senior Attorney
Aw, that’s so nice! Mine are 2 and 4 and I would be happy to pay postage!
Senior Attorney
Also would take a 6 for slouchiness! ;)
Anom
My zippered hoodies. Bought two 15 years ago at H&M. Kinda worn out now. But so comfy.
Anonymous
A fleece sweater from some no-name brand that I got in 8th grade (I’m 32 now). It’s worn a little thin, but otherwise like new despite HEAVY use skiing, hiking, backpacking, and more, and it’s fit me at my slimmest and at 50 lbs heavier. It’s a unicorn and I love it. My second favorite is a hand-me-down Barbour jacket I got from my aunt, who bought it at a consignment store 20 years ago. I don’t think they make this style anymore so I can’t link it. My favorite items of clothing are the ones that enable my outdoor hobbies, remind me of favorite trips and loved ones, and that fit even as my weight changes over time.
Formerly Lilly
Rag & Bone “Cate” mid rise indigo skinny jeans get worn every week and are comfortable. Gen Z can try to pry them out of my cold, dead hands. I’m sitting at my desk in these jeans right now also wearing a Roller Rabbit top from several years ago (most favorite seasonal item of the moment) and a pair gold Bernardo sandals.
pugsnbourbon
The jumpsuit that started my love of jumpsuits. Purplish-gray crepe, high neck but low back, wide legs, pockets. I wore it to three weddings (not family) in a single summer. I got it at a small shop in NC and I know nothing about the brand.
Second-favorite would be the hoodie from my favorite coffee shop in my college town. I actually bought it while I was still in high school, visiting my sister (we went to the same school). I wore it TONs in high school and only retired it last year (and immediately replaced it).
Anonymous
White t-shirts from Duluth Trading Company. I have literally been on a quest for at least five years for t-shirts that aren’t see-through, aren’t too low of a v-neck, don’t shrink, aren’t too wide (while still being long!) and are cotton and not some cheap synthetic. Truly I think I might have heard music the first time I tried one on. FINALLY just right. And it is ridiculous how much I wear them now. I am not the least bit outdoorsy–never in a gazillion years thought I’d be ordering from the brand (I hate their commercials!). And now I pray they have all the success they can handle and keep pumping out these lovely shirts. (Did I mention how much I like them?!)
Anon
I have a few favorites but I put together a particular outfit together for the opera in 2019 (so glad we went given what happened in 2020!) and had my photo taken a lot. When I see the photos I think “I should wear that again, it looks great” so I guess it’s my favorite outfit! It’s not formal but it’s dressy and the color combo is what works.
Anon
VS yoga pants, from before Pink existed. 97% cotton, so none of that awful saran-wrap feeling you get from the current artificial fabric yoga pants. Perfect shape for my flat stomach and giant rear, no gapping at the lower back. Minimal waistband, I hate anything pressing on my stomach. Petite length exactly right for my corgi legs.
I wash them delicate and hang to dry, trying to keep them from falling apart. The seams are going bare and I suspect they will self-destruct soon. I don’t wear them outside the house.
Anonymous
“ awful saran-wrap feeling you get from the current artificial fabric yoga pants” Nicely stated!! And so true!
Anon
This is the cutest floral summer dress!
https://shopcellas.com/collections/linen/products/rachel-dress
Anonymous
My stash of Bravissimo Nina bras, which is the only model that fits me and flatters me. Literally the only one that does. I have tried for years to find a new model, but for my size and shape, nada. Bras exist in my general size (UK 28H/HH), but not for shape/proportion. Even the Bravissimo fitters have given up.
The model is no longer in production, and I am taking very good care of my bras. I never send bras in checked luggage, too valuable to take the chance on delay or losing them.
Aerin
We are planning on taking three domestic trips this year, which I’ve spent a lot of time this week making the arrangements for. (All those travel credits and unused hotel points finally going somewhere!) First up, we’ll be working remotely for a week from San Diego in July. I am giddy with excitement to get out of the Midwest and see the ocean, because it has been two YEARS and I’m dying here.
I ordered this dress off Amazon for the trip: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07BFR7T1F/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o03_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1 I don’t buy a lot of Amazon clothes but it’s got glowing reviews and it looks like a comfy floaty dream. Here’s hoping there are no delays and it gets here in time!
AnonATL
I am normally super introverted, but I got my hair cut this afternoon for the first time in over a year and for once i jabbered right back with the hair stylist. It was so nice to casually talk to a stranger.
Anonymous
Fun Q for today: If you could time travel and tell yourself something 5, 10, 20 years ago, what would you say?
The Original ...
This works for me for all of those categories:
“I know it seems like you are crazy and I know it’s frustrating, but trust yourself… people are gaslighting you. They are mistreating you. You aren’t nuts. You don’t deserve what is happening to you. All you need to do is survive this and you will be able to build a life with people who love you. You will cross everything off your Bucket List. You won’t just survive, you will thrive. You just have to fight to stay alive long enough to get to the good part. Also, doctors will ignore you or dismiss you but again, trust yourself. You know your body; keep advocating for your own health and eventually you will get healthy again. Plus, one of the side effects of your medical journey is that you’ll finally get the cleavage you always wanted. All you have to do is keep going and don’t absorb the lies people tell you about yourself. Stay alive even when it’s so hard and you will get the life experience you are so afraid will never happen.”
Worried
Love this! Feeling it so much In the last year and half:)
MagicUnicorn
5 years: ghost now. They don’t get better and hoping for that only means more drama.
10 years: you are in for a wild ride! Run with it, it will be awesome!
15 years: it gets better, trust me. Also, be yourself and don’t try to fit their mold. It’s not worth it and they aren’t worth it.
20 years: slow down and don’t rush into this. Break away and don’t be afraid to be yourself and make your own decisions. Try things and have fun. You have some good people in your corner.
Tea/Coffee
5: spend more time with the important people in your life. They won’t be around forever and you don’t want to miss the opportunity to tell them – in life – what they mean to you.
10: in 10 years you will long for this time with all your heart. These are sweet sweet days so soak them in and store up all the memories of the important stuff.
20: sunblock, girl, sunblock. And any guy who stays with you through THAT is worth hanging onto (just woke up next to him 20 years and 2 kids later lol).
Anonymous
20 years: stop drinking alcohol
Rinse repeat
Anon
I would tell myself at any time to be more fearless. Too many things that I didn’t do or try or put myself out there for. I need to listen to this advice now, actually!
Seattle Freeze
For god’s sake, when a sexy Scottish barrister traveling the world asks you to go to Fiji with him, GO!!
Dont’t say, “I can’t – I have to work.”
Senior Attorney
20 years ago: DO NOT MARRY THAT GUY!
10 years ago: LEAVE THAT GUY NOW!
5 years ago: You are totally doing the right thing. This guy is the real deal!