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Updated: Sep 22, 2020 358 Comments · by

Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: 3/4-Sleeve Blouse

The Personal Shopper (TPS) | ·

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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Every time I go to Target, my cart seems to steer itself over to the Who What Wear collection. For the price point, the clothes seem well-designed, and classic-looking enough that they’ll last for at least a few seasons.

One of my recent favorites is this 100% cotton floral peplum top. To balance out the volume, I’d wear it with a pencil skirt or skinny ankle pants.

The top is $29.99 and comes in sizes XS–4X. It's also available in a pink leopard print. 3/4-Sleeve Blouse

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About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Peloton App or Fitness Blender

    Would you recommend the Peloton app or Fitness Blender for at-home workouts over the winter? My pre-pandemic workouts involved an elliptical at home, CorePower yoga, and walking outside. I don’t have a spin bike or treadmill at home and don’t want to buy one since I have the elliptical. I’ve been unable to work out for 8 weeks due to some orthopedic surgery and want get a good routine going before winter, but have always found at home video workouts kind of blah.

    I’m mid-40s and a healthy weight, so this is all about fitness and strength for me. I’ve seen favorable comments about both Fitness Blender and the Peloton app on this site and am interested in recommendations. Thanks!

    • The Lone Ranger

      Core Power yoga has an app. If you already like that, it might be worth a try. I’ve done the free trial week and liked it. I ultimately went with a different yoga app (SarahBethYoga), but would consider the Core Power one when my paid year is up with SBY.

    • Ribena

      What kind of workout do you want to do? I use Down Dog for yoga and barre (they also have HIIT but I don’t like it) and E M K Fit workouts on YouTube for dance-y HIIT – she calls her format HIIT hop and it’s amazing fun.

      • Peloton App or Fitness Blender

        I’d like a good combo of cardio and strengthening. So yoga/Pilates? I do have 3, 5, and 8 pound hand weights as well.

      • Abby

        I just tried her 2000s hip hop workout, I wish it was a bit longer but I am dripping sweat. Thanks for the rec! I haven’t laughed at myself during a workout like that before. My dog must think I’m bonkers

    • Anon

      I like the Peleton instructors, but honestly their strength classes seemed pretty weak to me. I switched to Barry’s and it’s waaay more challenging.

    • Aunt Jamesina

      Since Fitness Blender videos are free, I would give them a try before the Peloton app.

      • cat socks

        +1 On their website you can search and filter for different types of workouts.

    • Anon

      FYI Nike made their fitness app (Nike Training Club) including what they consider “premium” content free during the pandemic. I’ve been using it and find it good enough. Plus you can incorporate your own iTunes music during the workout through the app if that matters to you.

      • Airplane.

        +1 for NTC Premium for free during pandemic. Like it much better than fitness blender and orange theory app after having tried both.

      • Anon Probate Atty

        Does this mean the app is still free, or is the pandemic over according to Nike? (just asking, not meaning to be snarky)

        • Anon

          ? They initially made it free during the pandemic, and as far as I know it is still free. At some point whether it stays that way will be a business decision taking into account a lot of business factors, not a call on if they think the pandemic is over or not.

    • Bonnie Kate

      LOVE the Peloton app. I got it at the beginning of the US pandemic shut down when they were offering free three month trials, and I’ve kept paying for it once the free subscription was done. I do a mix of strength and yoga workouts, although they have a lot more running, walking, cardio, etc. ones I don’t even look at. I’m very picky on my yoga workouts (I’m a yoga teacher so I probably have even more pickiness than general) and I really like the instructors. I also really, really like the real music playlists – music is huge for me when working out. I also like that there are live classes, and then the live classes get saved and you can do them later – it means the library is growing and huge. I really like a few of the teachers in particular as well.

      Now – to add an unpopular opinion – while I think Peloton has way better individual workouts, for a workout program – Beachbody On Demand is the best. It’s a MLM and I don’t love that at all, but my best friend has used it for years and I like to do programs with her after hearing her talk about them every day. Last year I did several of the programs and honestly was in the best shape and I find it easier to stick to a regular routine when I having a well designed program. Peloton does have some programs, but the Beachbody ones are just better. So I use them both (although TBH, my best friend and I share passwords for both so I’m only paying for Peloton and she’s paying for BB – if you can finagle that set up with a friend do that).

    • Coach Laura

      I love love the peloton app. I’m still in the free trial period by my hubby and I and our adult daughter all love it. I’ve used the cycling and strength and will get into the yoga at some point. If you’re going to use the elliptical too, I think you could use the cycling, running or scenic routes (Cinque Terre, Santiago Chili, Hawaii) on your elliptical. I think it’s the best bargain and will be paying for it all winter.

    • Brunette Elle Woods

      I went in for mine, but I don’t have the best teeth. It depends on the circumstances. How comfortable are you with your dentist and their office? Do you have any dental problems? I’m also in the North East where it’s not that bad right now.

    • Anon

      I skipped mine last month. You don’t “need” a cleaning every six months, dentists say you should go that often but they’re not exactly objective since they profit from each visit. Obviously you shouldn’t go years without a visit to the dentist but one missed cleaning isn’t that big a deal.

      • Anonymous

        +1. Skipped mine. I don’t want to put it off forever, but think it can wait for now.

      • Anon

        You don’t need a cleaning every six months but it’s also an opportunity to catch something early before it becomes a much bigger/more expensive problem to fix. My last “routine” visit pre-pandemic caught a chip in a sealant that was relatively easy and inexpensive to fix. If I’d waited another six months, it would have turned into a much larger issue (tooth was rotting and the sealant essentially sealed in the rot making it spread, which would have resulted in the whole tooth being pulled)

      • Anon

        I know there is a lot of (non Dentist) opinions that you should actually go more often (3x a year) but insurance cos decided 2x a year for their own cost sakes.

        I don’t expect you to agree with that, but I very much think going twice a year is important. Maybe missing one in a pandemic is fine, but it might not be. Teeth problems are permanent, they don’t regrow back, and they definitely can get worse if unchecked.

        Sorry, teeth care is a hill I choose to die on. (#notadentist)

        • Anonymous

          I have found my people!

          Also not a dentist but care of teeth and the lady bits (my theory is that they can be charming to others but are just there waiting to kill us and often they do).

        • Anonymous

          I have had multiple dentists On different insurance plans tell me only need to go once a year, so I’m Not sure where these 3x a year people are.

          • Anon

            I have medical conditions that change the Ph of my mouth and additionally weaken my teeth. I think the recommendations about frequency depend on risk factors generally.

    • Anonymous

      I’d go. The routine cleaning also includes the dentist looking at your mouth and teeth to discover any potential issues. A cleaning can also address things before they turn into problems, for example, I have a little gap in my gums that is susceptible to bacteria, but regular cleanings take care of it.

      Dentists are following the ADA regulations, and you will find the offices clean, more than adequate spacing, masks, hand washing etc. I would also consider to do these things while you can, and don’t procrastinate, because you never know. I’ve been to a dental surgeon and the dentist several times since June, and it was fine.

    • Anon

      Just be aware that some dentists are saying that they are following precautions but are not in practice. One of my friends found that out the hard way when she walked in and found that far from everyone wearing masks, everyone was wearing masks on the ear or not at all. She had called and verified in advance too.

        • Anon

          I think she would like to, but she lives in a state where that kind of attitude is par for the course, unfortunately. People at her office don’t take it seriously either.

      • Equestrian Attorney

        My SO is a dentist and their protocols are really strict. They wear a mask, everything is constantly being cleaned, they do temperature checks, the dentists and other employees get tested regularly. This may depend on where you are, but I’m going next week and not that worried about it.

    • anon

      I’m in NYC, and I’m skipping mine. Caveat: I have excellent teeth, never any problems, so it’s no big deal. If you’re someone who does have tooth/gum issues, I’d probably go.

    • anon

      I would go. Yes, it’s routine, but some important preventative maintenance happens during those appointments. FWIW, I went to my cleaning a few months ago and was very impressed by all the precautions that were being taken.

        • Anonymous

          I took my kids and the one who is in braces had somehow tipped over into major inflamed gums. Glad I went — now we can be proactive.

          • Anon

            I took my teen son in June. He usually does not have problems but he told the dentist he was having pain in his jaw and the dentist found he was grinding his teeth (I do it too, and it started when I was about his age). He needed a nighttime bite guard, which they took the impressions for that day along with cleaning his teeth. Our dentist said that he is seeing a lot of grinding (from stress) and gum inflammation (from stress and disrupted routines causing issues with brushing/flossing consistency) in kids and teenagers right now. I cracked a molar grinding my teeth in my early 20s and had to get a crown, so I am glad we caught my son’s grinding when we did.

    • Anon

      I went in June, it was totally fine. Lots of PPE, I was screened and temp checked, nobody in the waiting room, etc.

    • Anonymous

      Everyone who is saying to go—would you still go if you have to go to the city center (drive to parking garage or take mass transit), and the dentist is in a high rise? My dentist is next to my workplace , and I haven’t gone to my work since March. I’m in a large urban area, that’s a semi hotspot (better than April, not great).

    • Anon

      If you aren’t someone who regularly has problems and has reasons to be more cautious than most, I’d skip one but not two. That reminds me, I’m way overdue because I had traveled in late February so my March appointment was cancelled by my doc as the pandemic really heated up while I was gone and they didn’t want anyone in who traveled internationally.

      My issue is that I have asthma and allergies and have a chronic cough. Not super bad. I can usually suppress it for an hour or so with an inhaler and cough drops. But, some places will let you in if you say you just have your usual cough and nothing new or worse. Other places don’t want people with chronic cough coming in at all.

      That’s fine if it is something optional like getting my nails done. Much harder if it is something like seeing my dentist.

      I had to laugh, my last pulmonology visit, they asked at the door if I had cough. I said um, this is pulmonology, don’t all of your patients? (I said it nicely and laughing, not snarky) and the nurse bust out laughing and said, you’re right, I should be asking if you have a new or different cough. Then she added, you were probably the first honest patient I had then cause everyone else just said no even though half of them are here for conditions that cause chronic cough. In my head I thought, yup, that’s why I’m a lawyer. Too damn technical.

      • Anon

        Ugh, I sympathize so much with this comment! I have a chronic cough, chronic migraine, and my nose runs all the time, which leads to a generally sore throat so I have a good chunk of the Covid symptoms every day. It also makes wearing a mask a giant pain when you have to blow your nose constantly. I make it through brief things like my dentist or doctor appt by taking Sudafed, which tones it down some, but I have no idea what I would do if I had to leave my house on a regular basis right now (too many side effects to take Sudafed all the time and I already take a lot of other meds).

        • Anon

          I haven’t had to blow my nose with my mask on yet but I have worried about it. I’m guessing I’d go to the bathroom, take it off to blow, wash hands, put it back on? Sometimes you need a tissue now though.

    • anon

      I’m skipping the dentist yet getting my hair cut for the first time next week. Because priorities.

      I figured this board could use an honest answer for once to offset the cacophony of constant perfectionism.

      • Bonnie Kate

        :) That made me laugh.

        Even before you added the last sentence, I totally get the hair > dentist. There’s something about the fact that the dentist is literally right above your face and you’re sitting there with your mouth wide open. At least when you’re getting your hair done, the stylist isn’t breathing right in your face the entire time.

      • blueberries

        I love this answer. I feel strongly that we’d be better off if people picked just what was most important to them to do (while following public health guidance for reducing risk). I applaud determining that hair is the priority and just getting that done.

      • Airplane.

        Ha, thank you! I got a haircut, no blow dry and it was honestly the best feeling. I take care of my teeth and do yearly cleanings, (maybe I go twice a year every other year?) it’s NBD. No one in family has had teeth issues, shrug. Not perfect. I agree we need to offset the cacophony of constant covid-perfectionism.

      • Walnut

        I definitely hit the hair salon as soon as they were cleared to open, but am still being “cautious” about scheduling my dentist appt.

        • Anonymous

          Is that because you think the environment is less safe or is it just not a priority?

          • Walnut

            Mostly because I will come up with any excuse to skip a dentist appointment. I’m a huge baby about people picking around my mouth for a half hour.

            Also, though, my stylist runs her own business from her home salon. She operates to the letter of the law and took all precautions. I very much wanted to support her, because I know covid took a hit.

    • Anonymous

      I skipped one, but now that everyone has the drill down on masks, etc., am planning to do my next one.

    • Betsy

      I had a tooth break during the shutdown that has required a lot of appointments so I’ve been to the dentist way more than I care for in the last few months. Right after the office reopened I was there and felt kind of safe. They had air purifiers running, everyone was masked, and they had enough space between appointments that people weren’t sitting in the waiting area. However, my dentist is set up as a sort of open floor plan with the cabinets and equipment breaking up the space into cubicles but no walls, and I could see/hear the person in the space next to me. The last time I went, the staff had switched from serious N95 masks to the flimsier disposables, the waiting room had a guy in it with his mask under his chin, all the cubicals were full, and I felt so unsafe. My friend’s dentist, on the other hand, has walled offices for each treatment room, they make people wait in their cars, and the staff are wearing full PPE still, but apparently they did a lot of extra protective practices before Covid so it wasn’t a big change for them. It’s going to vary from practice to practice, so I would call your dentist’s office and see what they are doing and make the decision from there. I have bad teeth and really need regular cleanings, so I am switching to my friend’s dentist so that I feel a little safer going as scheduled.

      • Anon

        OMG the people with the mask under their damn chin or with their nose hanging out literally infuriate me. I would rather they wear no mask at all. I may have told this story already here but I was at the sports medicine doc for a knee injury and there was a super fit guy sitting across from me that clearly does his cardio.

        The next practice group over, with no walls in-between was something that had a waiting area of elderly people. Fit guy kept pulling his mask below his nose and pulling it back up if he saw staff coming. I know there are many invisible disabilities but he was there for a sports injury (as that is all that waiting room is for) and I very highly doubt he had some condition that prohibited him from wearing his mask properly. He was just a selfish jerk that didn’t want to deal with foggy glasses while sitting in a waiting room near elderly people for ten minutes.

        Unfortunately, I live in a state where people have been assaulted for confronting other people for not wearing masks so I just kept my mouth shut and just literally shook my head when we made eye contact.

        The most ridiculous local news story as of late is a little cupcake bakery had a guy come in without a mask. The clerk handed him one and said he could wear it while he waited inside or he could wait outside for his order. He screamed at her that they wouldn’t get anymore of his “f’n business” threw a chair and stormed out….. How much you want to bet he’s the type of guy that called liberals snowflakes too?

    • CountC

      I did in PA. The office required masks for everyone, took temps (although I know this is by no means a failsafe), all wore very extensive PPE, etc. I felt completely comfortable.

    • Anonymous

      i would go, but that is also partially because in my state i anticipate the fall/winter to have more cases and so i’ll want to be going to the dentist even less in the next half of the year i think. id prefer to do a preventative visit now and then not have to go for a year+

    • Coach Laura

      I went and I’m super high-risk. My dentist is a geek and has been researching all of this. He has an air filter that changes the air and cleans it every 30 minutes plus has a lot of sanitization protocols in place.

      I got the first appointment of the day – 7am – and my hygienist and I were the only ones there, so no chance of other patient’s aerosolized germs in the air (which is what the dentists say is the biggest risk). The germs from the night before should not still be in the air with the air cleaning system. As per usual, the hygienist wore a mask and gloves and used lots of sanitizers. She didn’t use the buffer on my teeth, which reduced particles in the air to keep her and other patients safe. I got xrays for extra review.

      It’s been a couple weeks so if I got covid I didn’t have any signs.

      I would recommend asking for the first appointment even if you have to wait a month or two.

    • Anon

      Heck no… but my biases are that I have never had a cavity, and during some intense working years skipped multiple cleanings without problems (though not on purpose). But even if the staff is wearing PPE, the cleanings are extremely aeorsolizing procedures, and unless they have converted to all private high-flow negative pressure rooms or are waiting 12+ hours between patients in a space I am not confident that there has been enough air exchange to make me comfortable. Health care professional in medium-risk area.

    • AFT

      I’ve gone, as have my husband and kids. Dentists seem to be doing a very good job with managing risk using PPE and procedures.

      • Anon

        They have more reason to be afraid of us than we have to be afraid of them, I think!

        • Aunt Jamesina

          Yes, I can’t imagine anything higher risk than leaning over someone’s open mouth for 30+ minutes!

    • Is it Friday yet?

      I just rescheduled the one I missed in May when my dentist’s office was closed, so thanks for the reminder.

    • Anon

      I’ve gone 3 times since March. Twice for pain/procedure and once for a cleaning. It’s totally fine. My dentist had some sort of air filter giant AC looking thing in front of each chair. I don’t have great teeth so I actually have 3 cleanings a year. But also I’m not as extra cautious as the people on here seem to be. My COVID precautions are normal for my social group. None of us are freaking out about elevators and parking garages. We work at home if we can and don’t do unnecessary indoor shopping or indoor dining. Around me in Midwest suburbs, people are living relatively normal lives. We have two separate outdoor play dates, one outdoor patio takeout double date and one solo date on a restaurant patio planned for this long weekend. And each weekend for the last few months has involved at least one or two outdoor activities with friends. We limit it to one other family at a time. And will wear masks if we have to go inside but not if we’re on the patio or playground. On weeknights, we do stroller walks around the neighborhood. Maybe posters on here are defining “high risk” very broadly because it seems to me that everyone believes they’re high risk.

    • Albatross

      I’ve been in for a routine cleaning, and then emergency check and repair after an accident. (That one took three appointments, and will need more in a year or two.) They had everything pretty well under control.

  3. Anonymous

    I’m struggling to offload responsibilities that I used to handle as an associate but no longer want/have time to handle now that I’m a partner. I’m getting some pushback from other partners when I say no; I was the reliable person to handle this stuff and they’re grumbling about having to find someone else they trust. Curious to hear how others have handled similar situations. I’m totally open to the idea that my issues are a result of my own discomfort with saying no after so many years of saying yes to everything.

    The latest – one partner has a particularly high needs client. Every time the client need something, it’s very last minute and the sky is falling. I don’t do much work with this partner or client because they’re both outside my practice area. I do maybe 2 hours of billable work per year for them when they have questions about my niche; it’s been over a year since I last worked with them. Despite the fact that I almost never work with this client, they and the partner seem to expect me to manage the client relationship. The client reaches out to me for administrative things, which I forward to the partner’s secretary (then the client follows up with me daily – sometimes hourly – until it is done). They also send me things that are far outside my practice area. When I forward to the partner to send to the appropriate person, she asks me to find someone. As an associate, I would do my best to find someone but I couldn’t always come through. Since I became partner, I’ve told the partner, ie, sorry I don’t know anyone who specializes in basket weaving law in Australia. I have my own clients that I need to focus on, I don’t think it’s fair to expect me to manage a client I don’t even work with. The partner doesn’t have a go-to associate; she does most of her own work. I don’t want to burn a bridge with the partner but I also don’t want to continue to play point with this client. What do I do?

    • Anonymous

      Can you sit down with the partner and identify a new associate to play this role and then communicate this to the client. Then when the client sends the next thing you you (they will), forward the message to the new associate (and partner) and have the new associate let the client know they will be responding (and don’t copy you on the response).

      The client is sending you emails for a reason — they think you have that role in the firm and don’t know your role is not that, they don’t like the partner and want you to do the work, they like the partner, but know you are more efficient and get things done, etc., etc . Figure out what it is and address it.

      If you just keep doing what you have been doing, nothing is going to change. Remember that you are a partner in a partnership — that means working together to solve problems. You are not a solo practitioner.

    • Anon

      Question: is your firm structured so that the partner gets most of the fees regardless of who does the work? From her perspective, if she gets most of the billings (her client), then there’s little incentive for her to actually manage the relationship.

      • blueberries

        If firm politics allow, could you tell the other partner you’d like a share of the credit for being the relationship partner in exchange for doing this work? Because this sounds like relationship partner work. Either you get compensated or your partner stops routing this work to you.

        • Anonymous

          +1 to this. I would suggest telling the partner that you need to either 1) share credit for the client if you are going to continue with the admin/relationship work; or 2) shift those responsibilities to someone else (an associate) if sharing credit is not an option. Time is money, especially when you are a partner, and your time would be better spent focusing on other things.

    • Anonymous

      I’d probably start just being slower and less responsive on these things, and make suggestions about how to find someone else to help, without being rude or looking too passive aggressive. Like, “Client e-mailed to ask me X. Passing this along so that you can send this to the appropriate person to handle this. If you need a hand, I can look into this tomorrow or see if [staffing coordinator?] knows of an available associate. My afternoon is full today.” I think something like this indicates you don’t see this as your role any more but are willing to help because you’re a team player.

    • anon

      These are always awkward conversations to have, but I think you should use it as an opportunity to get some share of origination/billing credit for that client. The best time would be right after one of her sky-is-falling issues. Take care of it, then explain that if you’re going to continue to do that kind of work, you need to be able to claim credit for that effort in a way the firm will recognize. You need to tell this partner that you need to focus your client-relationship time on clients you are getting credit for. Either you need a cut of this client or you will need to identify another resource for her to reach out to.

      • Anonymous

        +1. You want your partners to share opportunities with you. Ask about sharing credit for managing the account and then own the relationship. You will then share credit for the work done in other groups.

      • OP

        Thanks everyone for the advice so far. Just to be clear, I can’t take care of 99.9% of their work because it’s so far outside my practice area. Most of the time I don’t even know how to connect them with the right person because the issues are so alien to me. If I were doing a lot of work for the client then I would totally ask to split origination – and I’ve had that conversation with other partners. But here I’m basically being treated like an admin. I’m happy to help for the 2 hours a year (or less) that they need me but I’m not going to spend a ton of nonbillable time on this.

        • Anonymous

          You still haven’t grasped that you are not acting like a partner working towards a solution. Figure out the root cause for the client calling you vs the partner and find a solution to that problem. You continuing to do what you are doing won’t solve it.

  4. Anon

    This is sort of a follow-up to yesterday’s satirical (I think) post about the fox vest at BB. My mother passed away and left behind a few fur coats. I’m not sure what to do with them. They exist, and even though I live in a snowy party of the States, I don’t see myself ever walking down the street in a full-length silver fox coat, for example. Thoughts on re-doing these things into vests for myself, sis and niece? I feel so weird about fur, but I am open to re-purposing them into something I would maybe wear.

    • Anon

      Why do you feel weird about fur? Presumably you already partake in the commodification and death of animals if you eat meat and wear leather so what’s the difference?

    • Anne-on

      I’d think a vest, a few scarves or lining a coat with them would be my choice. I would just have a problem with wearing that much fur, even second hand. Otherwise, would you be able to make them into a blanket perhaps?
      Ugh and you just reminded me that I’ll be inheriting my mother’s fur one day. Thanks 80’s for making these THE thing to show that you’d made it. The Goldbergs episode where Beverly got a fur coat was sooo close to how I remember my mom reacting, a fur coat for a big holiday was SUCH a thing back then.

      • Anon

        My mom was the same way with her fur in the 80s. And it was a big deal when my parents had a night out and she got to wear her fur. Craziness!

      • anon

        Oh my gosh, same and we live in a warm climate where it doesn’t even make sense to wear fur! My mom had to have hers stored in cool storage because it gets so hot here in the summer. I’m not sure what happened to it.

    • Ribena

      I don’t have any suggestions but this reminded me about the part of I Capture The Castle about the furs and the bear. Sharing that in case it gives anyone else a chuckle!

      • Airplane.

        Yesss! I love love love this book and the film. Thinking back to this and Pride and Prejudice, so many neglectful dads in literature. Re-reading Pride & Prejudice as an adult I just think about how awful the dad is even though Elizabeth seemed to idolize him. Similar to I Capture the Castle. OK dude just let your family starve and buring your head in the same and let time trick away reading books and making fun of everyone outside your little circle for being ridiculous. ohhhhkayyyy…

        • Anon

          Huh, I don’t think Mr Bennett had many options. Jane Austen certainly has more neglectful dads in her works (thinking of the one who keeps saying “we must economize!” while spending like a drunken sailor) but there weren’t a lot of options for landed gentry. Your estate either supported you or it didn’t. It wasn’t like dad could go get a part time job at Target to make up the difference.
          Or are you speaking about the entailment where the land went to the closest male heir? That was the law.

    • Anonymous

      If you would wear the vests, that sounds like a great idea. If not, what about a throw or pillow or area rug. I’ve also read about people using the fur as a liner for a coat. If they meant a lot to your Mom, it would be nice to find a way to turn them into something that would be a nice memory for you/your sister/your niece.

    • Anon

      Please do not turn them into vests. It’s still fur and it’s just something that everyone thinks looks good now but will stop looking good in ten years.

      I have been a vegetarian since the 90s and had a third-hand fur coat (gave it away when I left New England). It was lovely to wear to the symphony, weddings at Copley, cocktails at the BPL, etc. Wear it and enjoy it.

      • Senior Attorney

        Yeah, I wouldn’t dream of buying a new fur coat or whatever, but I inherited my mom’s beloved mink coat and wore it “ironically” to a dressy Christmas party last year and guess what? It was unironically warm and rather beautiful. I imagine I’ll take it out for a spin a time or two a year if there are ever parties again.

        • Anonymous

          I don’t understand what you mean by ironically. Like, you think it’s fine to wear and enjoy it, but if anyone challenges you you’ll tell them it’s just a joke? Or something else? I really don’t know.

          • Senior Attorney

            I mean like “ha ha here I am in my mom’s fur coat, isn’t that a hoot?” And it turned out to be less of a hoot than a … nice coat.

            I do think it’s fine to wear it and enjoy it and if anybody challenged me I would say the mink has been dead for 50 years and not wearing it isn’t going to bring it back.

          • Senior Attorney

            Why on earth must people be so nasty? If you must know, my mom was a teacher and my dad was a union carpenter and it was probably one of the biggest days of her life when she got a mink jacket for Christmas that one time back before everybody was so enlightened and holier-than-thou.

          • Anon

            It’s fine to wear fur if I think it’s fine to wear fur. I honestly don’t care what anyone else thinks. I don’t buy new fur, but I’ll wear the vintage fur I inherited (from my grandmother who did NOT “come from money,” she died nearly penniless) with pride and have zero f’s to give what you, or anyone else, has to say about it.

          • Anon

            “Why on earth must people be so nasty? If you must know, my mom was a teacher and my dad was a union carpenter and it was probably one of the biggest days of her life when she got a mink jacket for Christmas that one time back before everybody was so enlightened and holier-than-thou.”

            SA, I feel you. My grandmother worked her entire life – left each one of her five babies with other people weeks after they were born – because my grandfather built houses and construction is a boom-and-bust industry, and she couldn’t not work if they wanted any kind of financial stability. She was the executive assistant to utility-company executive for 30+ years and I don’t think she made over $35k a year even by the time she retired in the mid-90s. They could not afford much, and lived in the same house for 40 years so certain things – her fur coat; the diamond jacket for her engagement ring she got for her 30th wedding anniversary; her favorite china, which she bought on installments and paid off over a year – really meant a lot to her. Saying that my family “came from money” is laughable. Most of my relatives barely ever had a pot to piss in, as the saying goes. What they did have that was expensive was cherished because those items were rare, had to be saved for, and were not replaceable if they were broken or lost. I don’t feel bad continuing to cherish those items.

    • Lily

      YMMV, I think fur coats look so tacky/nouveau riche, and that’s not even taking into account the wanton cruelty involved in producing them. I have never looked at someone wearing a fur coat and thought they looked pretty or sophisticated.

      • Anonymous

        YMMV but I seem to have imprinted on Dr. Zhivago as my fashion ideal and think that only a fur coat will do when it is truly cold (and a fur hat). It doesn’t seem so much fashion as “what but a long fur coat would keep you warm when you are wearing a ball gown en route to the Winter Palace.” Just don’t fall into the clutches of the White Army or the Red Army.

        [It’s not my life at all, certainly this year, and all I’ve got is a short faux fur jacket, but even the fake is shockingly warm.] Maybe people are so used to fakes that people never assume now that they are real unless they scream 1980s (and so much from the 80s is current, no one may think it is vintage but just a throwback).

    • anon

      If you don’t want to re-purpose them, you can donate or resell the ones you really can’t see wearing.
      Google says there are specialty consignment stores for reselling these items. If you live in the north in or near a major city it may be worth looking for such a place.
      A quick google search revealed there is an organization called coats for cubs – they take donations of fur coats and use them to help rehabilitate injured wild life (babies it seems). That may be a feel good way to ensure they will get used.

    • AttiredAttorney

      If you live in a snowy area, your closest big city may have furriers. You can bring your coat(s) in, and they can remake them for you into new styles or smaller pieces (vests, scarves, etc). Recutting furs is very much a thing. Check their websites for inspiration pictures. I inherited my MIL’s fur that had BIG 1980s puff sleeves and had it recut into a vest.

    • Anonymous

      In repurposing them you kind of lose the heirloom quality, and without that what’s the point of having them? If they are in a current style … maybe it looks like you just bought fur, which isn’t a good look (as evidenced by yesterday’s mockery).

      • Anon

        +1 I have no issue with vintage fur but think if you repurposed it, then it loses the vintage look

    • Anonymous

      Do not wear fur. How is this a question. If you want to repurpose them have them made into stuffed animals or donate them to one of the many orgs that has a good use for them. If you’re contemplating wearing real fur because fashion just don’t.

      • Anon

        I don’t understand this point of view. The animals died for that coat decades ago. It’s not like buying a new coat, which means the furriers now make a new one because inventory is down by one. It’s old.

        I wouldn’t buy anything new fur, but I think it’s actually better to wear the old fur for warmth because at least then the animals died for some purpose.

        It’s like giving up meat and throwing away all the meat that’s already in your fridge. It honors the animal more to consume it and just not buy more going forward.

    • Anon

      I know of a few people who have had old fur coats turned into throw pillows. Could be a good way to repurpose them if you want something you aren’t going to wear.

    • Anon

      YMMV but I bought a beautiful fake fur shawl thing for my wedding that I love, and in my mind I would totally also rock with a funky or otherwise dressy outfit, but the reality is every time I wear it I feel so uncomfortable wondering what everyone around me is thinking (as they may think it’s real). I don’t like to advocate worrying about what other people think, but in this case I do agree with opinions about real fur so it’s hard not to. Before you spend a bunch of money on repurposing, I’d just evaluate if you all will deep down feel the same way, as from your post I sense you would.

    • Anon

      I’d auction them off and use the profits to make a donation to a charity in your mother’s name.

    • Anon

      I inherited a coat with a very full fox collar from my grandmother. It was her pride and joy and my grandfather had to work a lot of long days in the hot sun building houses to afford to buy it for her. She was a teeny little thing (under 5 feet and less than 100 pounds) and the coat didn’t fit me, so I had the collar taken off the coat and put on a cashmere-wool blend coat I bought at Bloomingdale’s on sale. I don’t wear it much but when I do, I love it – it definitely makes a statement. I think if you can find a way to repurpose the coats into something you will use or wear, do it! I have heard that you can turn fur coats into fur throw-pillow covers and throw blankets also; you just have to find someone who can do it. If you want to wear the fur, I think wearing smaller amounts of fur is more manageable and makes it less likely you will have fake blood thrown on you by radical animal-rights activists. No one bats an eye at my fur-collar coat and one of my friends has a real fur vest that no one ever says anything about. I think when it’s a small amount of fur, people assume it’s fake. A full-length fur coat is harder to pass off as fake (as weird as that sounds).

      • Anon

        I have a fox collar too. It was always a stand alone collar as far as I know. I wear it kind of like a stand alone short scarf on the occasional cold day. I had some woman glare at me in a restaurant once but other than that, no reactions.

    • Anon

      Haha I posted about the vest and was indeed satirical. I was quite surprised to find something like this on BB. As you said, it exists already but you feel weird about fur. I would pick an option that your feel good about and brings you joy. If you make a vest but it sits in the closet because you aren’t comfortable wearing it it’s not a great repurpose.

    • Anon

      My friend inherited a mink and had it made into a throw blanket, which she cuddles under when watching TV in the winter. Bonus, lower heating bill.

    • Real Question

      Serious question: Can someone explain to me why wearing fur is horrible (assuming it is not some type of endangered animal) while wearing leather is perfectly fine? Obviously there are vegans who do not do either but we do not have these discussions when something leather is discussed.

      Half my family Russian and they are both confused and bemused by all of this (and I would ordinarily be in line to inherit some lovely furs but I have suggested they go to family still in Russia since I would not be able to wear them here.)

      • Anon

        Generally speaking, animals raised for fur are raised just for their fur. Leather is a by product of eating beef.

    • MK

      Lots of wildlife rescues use furs when caring for baby animals that have lost their mothers. Might be worth googling rescues close to you if you decide you don’t want to keep it.

  5. Brunette Elle Woods

    I don’t expect my building gym to be open this winter and even if it was, I wouldn’t risk it. So I’ll have to start running outside throughout the winter near NYC. Any suggestions for winter gear? I’m not really a fan of Lululemon. I just can’t justify spending $100 on leggings that just seem trendy. I have running gloves, a headband/hat. Any other suggestions on how to prepare? Clothing? Specific items? I’ll also be buying everything online so I can’t go in the store to try them on. TIA

    • Anon

      I’ve had better luck with Target from both a fit and price perspective. I haven’t shopped there recently and I think they may have a new actionwear line or something.

      • Anonymous

        I bought a full set of workout gear from Target’s current workout gear brands at the beginning of the year. I have worn the items consistently for the last 8 months and everything is still in great shape. I think this is a great place to start. You may want to look at Nike running for a warmer jacket, but perhaps Target will put out something good on that front, too.

      • Judicial discretion

        +1 for Target. I have been very pleased with the workout clothes from the All in Motion line there, particularly the high waist leggings.

      • Brunette Elle Woods

        Thank you! I have two cropped leggings from target already. I love them both! I was looking at target but I definitely want full length pants this time. I also love the side pockets rather than those pockets in the waistband.

    • Anonymous

      IMO it’s not super complicated, unless you are hard core and go out when it’s super snowy and icy and really really cold. I would buy leggings designed to keep you warm and base layer-type long-sleeve tops that are designed to keep you warm — I think most workout brands have a special category for warmth. I have some from Nike and UA. I wear an ear warmer headband thing (I prefer this to a hat) and gloves. I have a zip-up jacket that I wear when it’s below freezing; above freezing, usually the above cut it. The above got me through winters of running in MA and NY (although I didn’t go out in extreme conditions).

      You’ll also need good lighting and reflective gear stuff if you’re going out early in the mornings.

      • Brunette Elle Woods

        Thanks! I’m very cautious and won’t run alone before sunrise/after sunset. I plan to run during lunch since I’ll still be WFH.

    • Anonymous

      Winter walker here — wool hat with a fleece liner (smartwool or something like that) and make sure you wear a light — I have an arm band from LL Bean that you can set to steady light or flashing.

    • anon

      I’ve been a fan of old navy’s workout clothes for years. It’s not expensive but I find it holds up well.

    • Anonymous

      Athleta’s fleece-lined leggings are awesome, and I love my Athleta puffer vest when it’s really cold. A fleece buff is really helpful, too. I’d get a couple pairs of gloves if you plan to run often- I’m always using mine to wipe my nose in the winter and it’s nice to launder them often.
      It’s darker for longer in the winter– I’d really recommend a Noxgear vest unless you’re running when it’s 100% bright out.

      • Explorette

        +1000! I have multiple pairs of Athleta leggings. They are expensive, but hold up well and are SO warm and comfy. I run in them, but also pair them with a sweater and boots to wear out. I pretty much them full-time in the winter.

    • anon

      I like fleece lined running tights when it’s below 30 degrees. Regular running tights seem to work fine before that temperature point. You don’t need anything super fancy though. Anything from Nike, Under Armour, or other mainstream brands will work fine. I bought the D!ck’s Sporting Goods house brand last year and it was great. I invested in a New Balance “heat loft” jacket, which was pricey, but quite effective when used as a layering piece over a long-sleeve running top. For in-between times (anything in the 30s and 40s), I like a fleece-lined pullover/baselayer, either alone or over a tank. Or, a fleece jacket over a running tee works fine, too, and you probably already own that. Otherwise I overheat. If it’s windy and I need extra protection, I add a vest.

      Tina Muir, a pro runner, has a good breakdown of winter running gear if you want a specific guide. A lot of this is trial and error to figure out what works for your body temp and the weather. What I wear when it’s cold and windy is different than what I wear when it’s cold and still. I have managed to overheat on a 30-degree run, so don’t be surprised if you need less than you think! When getting started, I found it really helpful to log the conditions/the gear I wore to track what worked and what didn’t.

    • Minnie Beebe

      Regular leggings won’t cut it on really cold days, though it doesn’t often get *that* cold in NYC (Hi from Chicago!) I’d look for a pair of winter running tights – check out runningwarehouse.com for a good selection. Mittens with a wind-blocking layer >> gloves. Get a vest or jacket with wind-blocking material over your core.

      And another helpful tip is to stick a small square of duct tape up inside the front part of your shoes– that’ll block the wind from your toes and will help to keep your feet warm, even if you’re wearing “regular” running socks.

      I’ve found that in winter, keeping the wind at bay is the most important thing– block the wind from the front side of your body as best you can– it’ll go a long way toward keeping you warm, while still allowing sweat to evaporate off the back.

      • smol law

        +1 to several layers, the most important one being a wind jacket.

        I also rock a neck warmer, which sometimes I’ll move up to my head as a headband type thing when my neck warms up. definitely gloves – though I use cheap throwaways because sweat = ick.

        my absolute top product is brooks fleece running tights

    • Shopaholic

      Definitely in the same boat. I have already bought some long-sleeved tops and a running vest (all Lulelemon but bought on poshmark). My thinking is that I’ll mostly be good for until about December (I live in Toronto so it gets cold but not too bad until Jan/Feb). I am thinking I will need to supplement some fleece-lined leggings and running gloves/headband, and perhaps warmer socks, but otherwise, based on advice from my runner friends, I think layers are the way to go. If you don’t want to buy from a store, try Poshmark. I got stuff with tags still on, or have barely been used for less than 1/4 of the price.

    • Dpmitten

      One of the best things you can get is a running vest. Tights and long sleeve running tops have terrible pockets. Once you get going, if you have a full jacket on, you’ll be too hot. The vest is perfect for all but the coldest days. I Also prefer an ear band to a hat for running.

    • Dpmitten

      Also I have these nike tops that have not just thumb holes but like full parts at the end of the sleeve that turn into quasi mittens. These are amazing. Because you often only need your gloves at the beginning of a run and then you have to find a way to carry them.

    • Equestrian Attorney

      My winter running leggings from the North Face are my favorite thing ever. I also wear them around the house when it’s cold. The North Face has some good winter running gear in general.

      • anon

        I use a North Face thermoball vest as part of my running gear. Bought it for fashion, but it actually performs quite well!

    • Anonymous

      I use Decathlon’s Kalenji fleece lined tights, which are very affordable, comfortable and warm, but not the most compressive. I also have a few fleece headbands that come in useful to cover my ears, as I run too warm for hats most winter days.

    • Anonymous

      I only run outside in the winter because I hate hot weather. I also don’t have any expensive gear. I use: Uniqlo heat tech leggings with running shorts over them + my normal gym tee + either a vest or a zip up hoodie depending on how cold it is. I did splurge on some nice running gloves.

    • A

      For any Canadian runners, your local Running Room store has lots of gear for winter running, I have a couple pairs of pants specially for windy cold runs, and just ‘cold’. I run in up to ( or rather down to lol) -20 degrees Celsius, including wind chill. Colder than that is miserable, for me. It takes a lot of trial and error and one thing I have to remind myself is I am always cold the first kilometre. If you leave your house and you feel toasty when you step outside, you are way, way overdressed.

      I run 5-8km 3 times a week, for reference.
      Don’t forget a head lamp

  6. anon

    Looking for experiences with online interior decorators.

    We recently bought a house and I’m pretty overwhelmed but the prospect of decorating. I’m not planning to do the whole house at once, first focus is on living room and master bedroom. After years of a hodgepodge of furniture that is ok but not great (frequent moving of apartments means we have a fair amount of ikea or random furniture picked up in sales). since we now have a forever home, We are looking to upgrade furniture that we won’t replace for many many years and I’m trying to follow a no cr*p rule. But the overwhelming amount of choices online and not feeling comfortable shopping in person is really tough. I think a professional could be helpful. Willing to spend money but don’t want to light it on fire so looking to see if anyone has experiences with Decorilla or other online platforms (good or bad). Thanks in advance!

      • Lily3

        We used Havenly to do our Master Bedroom in the fall on the rec of some one here. I thought they did a great job combining both our styles and making furniture proportional to the room. I liked that I could set the budget, they have me a few general concepts, and picked 2-3 choices for furniture items based on the concept. They were also happy to incorporate the existing dresser and I purchased in chunks.

    • anon

      I haven’t used one, but one thing that turned me off from trying Modsy is that so many of the sample pictures/designs looked like the exact same style to me. I’d consider myself to lean toward modern classic and I don’t hate traditional pieces when done right. I just really do not dig the MCM/boho/mod styles that are trendy right now.

    • Lilliet

      We’ve used Modsy with great success. I think all the services are essentially the same, when it comes to the Modsy business plan. The key is knowing what kind of style you have, so handling whatever style survey you’re sent seriously and with the person that forms your “we.” And, explore the alternative options. I think the fee itself is worth it for someone to make that floor plan for you so you can have a better vision of furniture in a room.

    • Anon

      I’m in your exact position! Just bought our forever home, trying to furnish and decorate it.

      I’m in the middle of using Modsy. My friend in a similar position used it with good success.
      If I’m being honest though, we got our first draft for one of the rooms and I was pretty underwhelmed. It looks…nice…but honestly from a design perspective nothing I couldn’t have put together on my own from your standard furniture websites if I took the time. I guess I was just hoping for at least one like, hey! Here’s a funky chair design I would have never thought of using, or a funky color for the couch. Basically it feels like there is no “there there”. Then, you can pick alternatives to each suggested item, but the alternatives are a ton of items from all over the web and now all of a sudden it feels like being in the overwhelmed-searching-online-myself position I was trying to pay to avoid being in. I almost wish they were like, here are your 3-4 alternatives to this table. (Although then I’d probably complain when I didn’t like them!)

      It’s possible it’s my fault for picking too boring of inspiration rooms? I also don’t Pinterest which probably would have helped them. I came back at them with a ton of notes so it’s possible this all gets turned around.

      I did choose funkier inspirations for our living room so it remains to be seen if they pull through on making that a bit more unexpected, in which case I will chalk the first one up to user error.

      It has been helpful spatially I will say, just to make sure we are thinking through the ways things can be arranged.

      Overall,TBD and perhaps I am too high maintenance for this service.

      • Anon

        Just got our living design. Nope. Both designs are basically all neutral designs that look like a dentists office. I am so disappointed. These for sure look nothing like the designs I picked.

    • Anne-on

      I tried Havenly and was super underwhelmed. I basically found that they all worked from a pretty standard mid century modern/generic Pinterest with some ‘fun’ accents thrown in. I think if you know your style it might be better to work with an in house designer at a higher end store (Restoration hardware, William Sonoma home, room and board, Lillian August fine furnishing, Ethan Allen) all do this online or in person either free or for a minor fee. Restoration Hardware helped with our master bath remodel and our son’s room and did a great job incorporating pieces and making suggestions for things from other places (their cheaper teen line, paint from Farrow and Ball, art from minted, etc.).
      I will also HIGHLY recommend The Keeping Room as a reseller for Taylor King/Hancock and Moore/other NC built custom furniture. We just did our living room over and their prices were insanely good – cheaper than restoration hardware for totally custom pieces.

    • CHL

      I am a proud satisficer and had a good experience with Modsy. I used it for two different rooms where, similar to the poster below, year I could have theoretically figured out the layout and options by myself but it was well worth the $75 to have someone else do that for me and I could swap out what I wanted (like they put in a CB2 grey sofa but I wanted a Room and Board one so I just looked for the same dimensions). If you want funky, I think that business model where they’re drawing from mass retailers probably isn’t right for you, but if you just want your room to look decent and put together, they’re good.

      • Anon

        (I’m that poster). I totally hear you. But the “inspiration” rooms they give you to choose from certainly include some funky ones. So if they can’t actually do that they shouldn’t have those as options.

        Also, I’m not looking for, like, a one of a kind chair found in a small village on safari included in the J Peterman catalog. I’m just asking for like, surprise! An orange chair I wouldn’t have thought of on my own! Or something.

    • HW

      I used Havenly for my combination living/dining room and thought it was great. I am not good at design, and felt like they understood my aesthetic and recommended pieces that I love but would never have thought of getting. I also liked that you can tell them what you already own and they’ll work it into the design.

    • Anon

      Curious why you want to stick to online services? I bet there’s somebody local to you who will give you better experiences than what people are describing here, and it would be worth looking into to see if it is actually that much more expensive.

      • anon

        Combination of not wanting to meet face to face due to the pandemic and having a crazy schedule that means I am dealing with this in spare time. Easier to find a few minutes to log into an app or respond to an email than schedule meetings, etc. I’m not opposed to a local person, they just tend to be more expensive and online seems to suit my needs.

    • Anon

      Re: master bedrooms… when you see those reveals on TV you never see things people actually need in their bedrooms, like dressers. Unless you have an amazing closet with built in drawer systems, you’re going to have some wood furniture in your room.

      I bring this up because the “color” of the wood is going to be really bossy in your room. I bought my Ethan Allen bedroom furniture in 1998 and it’s a warm honey color wood. It has dictated wall color for me all these years since. Unless your room is huge, the wood furniture is going to visually take up a lot of space. My solution has been to have a wall color that harmonizes with the wood. I used to have sort of a terra-cotta color on the walls, which was nice and people liked, but I got sick of the orange hue. Now we have a warmer dark beige. Both of these color choices were meant to make the walls less of a contrast with the wood furniture.

      So think about the color of your wood. Something like dark cherry would be more difficult. White would be easiest but it kind of screams child’s room. There is a lot of gray toned wooden furniture out now, but the gray trend is fading and will look dated before any good quality wood furniture is close to wearing out.

      • Anon

        Ps I didn’t finish my thought. If I could start over, my choice would actually be a whitewashed natural wood color. But the whitewashed look might also be a right-now trend.

  7. Decisions, decisions

    I just received a pair of boots that I bought online. They fit well and are beautiful, but also pricey, and I’m on the fence. On the one hand, they aren’t like anything else I have, and they are making me happy. On the other hand, is this the fall to be buying fancy boots?

    When you’re a bit torn about a purchase, what factors weigh into your decision on whether or not to keep it?

    • Anonymous

      If I’m torn at the beginning, I return. I will never be more excited about a purchase than I am when I very first get it, so if I am already on the fence (for whatever reason) I don’t keep it.

      • Anon

        I would agree with this if she was torn on how they look, or what she will wear with them etc.
        But it sounds like she is only torn on the price? Which is a little different. But fair to think if she loved them enough she wouldn’t be torn on the price.

        • Anon

          I would still return them, personally. If I’m torn on the price that means I can’t afford it. (Obviously YMMV on this!)

    • pugsnbourbon

      If they’re a classic style and good quality, I’d keep them. I’m skipping anything trendy right now.

    • Anonymous

      If they make you happy, keep them and wear them to the grocery store for curbside pickup.

    • Anonymous

      I would keep them and then make enough other money saving decisions that you don’t feel like you are burning money.

    • DLC

      If I’m contemplating a return, I usually go back and forth in my head until I pass the return date and have to keep them. :)
      If i’m truly torn, one thing I do ask myself is, “Would I rather have this item or would I rather have the money and the closet space back?”
      FWIW, i’m not likely to return something just because it is pricey if it checks all the other boxes. It’s the well made, pricey stuff that tend to become the items that I love wearing over and over.

    • Anony

      If I’m on the fence, I make myself create an outfit from clothes I already own and then contemplate if I like the outfit, if I’d wear it often, if I’m comfortable, and what I would sell/donate to make room for the new item. I’m trying the one-in/one-out mindset. I have to be very positive about pricey items because if they sit and I don’t wear them, they start to cause me to feel guilt when I look at them.

    • Anon

      I wouldn’t return them based on price. I think that is just second guessing yourself. This is a decision you already made. stick with it.

      I would return them if you love them but would never wear them. Reasons you might never wear them: you don’t know what to wear them with. You don’t feel like you when you’re wearing them. They’re so fancy you’re afraid to “ruin” them by wearing them.

      Those would be reasons to return. Try them on with a bunch of outfits and see how you feel. It’s just a selfie outfit or could you see yourself actually wearing them all day, both in and out of the house (if you leave the house)?

  8. Anon

    I’m going for my first pedicure since February today and I am SO. EXCITED. Have you done anything “normal” lately that made you happy?

    (I am in a Canadian city that doesn’t have a bad outbreak, plus everyone wears masks and follows the rules here, so I’m okay taking the risk.)

    • Anon

      Me too!!! I was almost afraid to mention it on here in case I got torn down for it, ha ha but solidarity! Mine is an outdoor mani/pedi bc that’s what’s allowed.

    • CountC

      I went out to eat for the first time since March last weekend! We sat outside, wore our masks except when we were eating, and the tables were spaced very far apart. It was lovely.

    • Albatross

      I managed to get a haircut on Monday! That was really nice. (In compliance with disease control regulations, masks all around, etc. etc.)

  9. Walnut

    Follow up front my post last week on anxiously waiting for my doctors appt. I was diagnosed with stage three colon cancer. My surgeon is confident that the entire tumor and infected lymph nodes were removed, which is a relief. I will still undergo chemotherapy to ensure anything that may still be lurking is addressed. I have two spots on my lungs that are indeterminate at this time and we will take a wait and see approach with those.

    I’m mostly at peace with this diagnosis, as it’s at the better end of what I expected. Now to start game planning for how we will prepare for chemo treatments with three young children in the house. My husband has been amazing through all of this, so ensuring he has the support he needs will be critical. I can’t ask him to solo parent four of us.

    Thank you everyone for your support, good vibes, prayers and well wishes. This community is phenomenal.

    • Amber

      Oh gosh – so sorry you are dealing with this and I will say a prayer for your continued recovery! So glad that your husband has been so helpful. I can’t imagine how difficult this must be. Sending you hugs!

    • Aunt Jamesina

      Best of luck to you! I’m so happy to hear that you’re feeling at peace. Not sure if something similar is available in your area (I’m in Chicago), but my stepmom raved about Culinary Care’s food delivery while she was in treatment.

    • cbackson

      Praying for you and your family, Walnut. I’ve been thinking about you a lot.

    • Abby

      I’m so sorry to hear this. Praying for you, your husband, and your children. Much love from this internet stranger

    • Anon

      Thank you for the update. I’m wishing you and your family all the best during this time.

    • Anon

      Hi Walnut,

      So glad for the update and glad you received relatively good news. A high school acquaintance is battling the same brain cancer John McCain had. He likewise had some suspicious spots on other organs that turned out to be benign. They have four young children.

      I highly suspect they would be open to discussing tips and commiseration of balancing life and chemo. You can get in touch with the family via their GoFundMe if you don’t want to share an email. If you plan to do that, I can give them a heads up to look out for it!

      https://www.gofundme.com/f/trevor-gagnier

      • Anonymous

        I don’t understand how she would get in touch with them through go fund me. Is this a request for a donation because that seems kind of tactless when she’s facing her own prospective medical expenses?

        • Anon

          I’m going to try to be charitable and assume good intentions here, but one thing I will say is that when my family member had cancer, she did NOT want to hear about your coworker’s friend’s cousin’s neighbor’s cancer and what their experience was like. Please consider waiting to offer details like that if Walnut (or whoever else) asks.

      • Anon

        OP here:

        Oh goodness, no! I’m having a crazy busy day right now and just got back to this. There is an option on their GoFundMe to contact the family that is helping triage contact with the family. They are getting a lot of press and don’t have time to speak with everyone and when people ask how to reach them, they suggest using that email option. Yikes.

        I probably misread Walnuts post then but I thought she was seeking advice on managing the kids and husband front, not the cancer front and I know my acquaintance got some ideas from other people that have been there and would likely be willing to pay it forward.

        I never even thought about it coming across as a money grab and now I’m embarrassed. I don’t even know them that well and am not out fundraising for them. Just on the town support page for them. Kat, feel free to take this down if inappropriate.

        Thank you for assuming good intentions!!

    • Eager Beaver

      My father is currently undergoing treatment for cancer. Before his first treatment, a friend put him in touch with someone (the friend’s friend) who had undergone similar treatment (a specific type of chemo). My dad is a very private person, and was hestiant to talk with a friend of a friend about something so personal, but it was hugely beneficial. If there is someone similar in your life who has gone through the same type/regime of chemo that you’re going through and who would be open to talking about it (even if they aren’t a close friend), you may want to consider reaching out. Obvioulsy, this is just one person’s experience, but I was surprised how much more prepared it made my dad feel to talk to someone who had actually been the patient (rather than just his doctors – who are amazing in their own right).

      • Eager Beaver

        Should have led with this, but you are in my thoughts and prayers. I’m sending you all kinds of love.

    • Anonymous

      I have been going through treatment for a different cancer for the last year. Happy to chat if you want. I can set up a burner email to connect, or let me know if you have one. Sending you strength and good vibes. This so hard, but you can do hard things.

    • Quail

      Glad to hear that this was not the worst news you were expecting. Prayers for a smooth treatment and support for all of you.

    • Anon

      Walnut, thanks so much for sharing this update. I have been thinking about you often.
      If this helps, my mom had breast cancer and had spots on her lungs show up on a scan; they turned out to be nothing.
      Please reach out to your friends and ask for help. If one of my friends was going through this, I would absolutely do whatever I could to help. Including taking your kids for an afternoon outdoor outing, going grocery shopping for you, organizing a meal train, etc. I am not sure if you already have household help but getting an old-fashioned, Alice-from-Brady-Bunch-style housekeeper, who could come in and clean, grocery shop, prepare meals and watch the kids even just a couple of times a week might help. When my best friend’s dad was in hospice they found someone to help through Care.com.
      I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and send you good energy. I was reading that Stage 3 colon cancer has a high survival rate. The odds are on your side. And many people here are on your side too. Big hugs.

    • Vicky Austin

      I’m so glad the news was mostly good. Hoping for continued healing and all the logistical good luck your family needs. <3

    • Carmen Sandiego

      Walnut, I am so sorry to hear that you are dealing with this. I will be thinking of you and your family.

    • Senior Attorney

      Much love to you and your family, Walnut. I’m glad the news was as good as it was.

    • Another anonymous judge

      Hi, Walnut! I want you to know that I think you are an absolute legend and rock star for the way you are approaching this situation. I will continue to send virtual hugs and good wishes from the internet – but please also know I am in awe of your strength and intelligence. If force of will has anything to do with it, this thing doesn’t stand a chance against yours! I’m sure I speak for many of us as I send this.

      • Marie

        You are certainly speaking for me, as I second everything said here. Walnut, warm thoughts directed toward you and your family.

      • Ses

        Seconded. Sending thoughts of strength and comfort to you and your family right now.

      • Jules

        Yes, very well said. I am sending you all good thoughts and positive energy.

    • Anonymous

      He can check out the Well Spouse Association for support groups, for people with ill spouses.

    • Coach Laura

      Walnut, thanks for the update. I’m so glad they got everything so you don’t have to have another surgery and can “just” go to chemo now. Glad you are supported by your husband and vice versa – hope you all get the support that you need from your community/family. Take care. Also, I have long hair and if I have to have chemo, I’ve decided to have my hair stylist cut my hair ahead of time and donate the hair to children’s cancer wig charities. And then I’m going to get a blond wig, since I’ve never been brave enough to color my hair. And since I’m working from home, maybe I’ll get a purple wig too.

    • Anon

      Thank you for the update; you have this anonymous long time reader’s support and prayers.

    • Anon Probate Atty

      I am so sorry that you are unsealing with this situation, but I am glad it is better than expected, and that your husband is so supportive. It’s situations like this that really show a person’s true spirit. Please keep us up to date on your treatments and the plan going forward.

    • Hyacinth

      Continue to take good care of yourself. Another internet stranger here sending support, strength, and good thoughts to you, your husband, and your children.

    • Anon

      Walnut,
      I am a long time reader and Anon poster. I have been thinking of you since your initial post and I’m really happy for you that your diagnosis is on the lower end of what could have been.

      I’d also like to thank you for sharing your experience with everyone on here. It’s like a PSA for anyone who is having symptoms. I have three friends who had various stages of colon cancer in their 40s. Two of them are on the calendar! I’m sure you know the calendar I mean by now. I think awareness helps us all, and I really appreciate you putting yourself out there like this.

      Healing thoughts to you.

    • Anon

      Best wishes and good luck to you, Walnut. My husband was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer at age 45, and one thing I wish we had done differently at the start was to tell our friends about the diagnosis sooner. Everyone turned out to be so supportive once they did hear the news. My husband is doing great, 5 years later. He went through chemo as well as surgery & radiation. It wasn’t easy, but it’s not impossible either. He actually tries to tell me that it wasn’t as bad for him as it was for me because he was stoned out from the chemo! I don’t buy that for one minute, but it is true that the caregiver is often acutely aware of everything that’s going on, while the patient is sometimes somewhat less aware. As the caregiver, your husband will need breaks, and he may need you to remind him and/or tell him to take them from time to time. It may benefit him to talk to other caregivers whose spouses went through similar treatment. Best of luck to you both.

    • Elegant Giraffe

      I have been thinking about you! Glad the news was “good” and I appreciate the update.

  10. Fashion report

    I got takeout the other day from a cool-kid restaurant with a giant patio (so distantly-filled by cool kids).

    OMG — every last woman was in short-short-mom-jeans-shorts (like you maybe need a wax to wear) and crop tops.

    I stand by thinking that mom-jeans are just universally unflattering. I guess if you are wearing a crop top, mom jeans keep you from exposing a lot of skin. But it is a dicey outfit to sit in and I could tell that some people were maintaining exquisite sitting posture as if to keep the rolls at bay (perhaps they were all ballerinas who have great posture). I struggle with slouching office computer posture, so I am always impressed by good sitting posture.

    • anon

      They are a terrible look for so many reasons. Also they just seem unhygenic. That’s a lot of bare skin down there touching the seats.

    • pugsnbourbon

      I really like wearing high-rise bottoms with a cropped or crop top. I don’t have a flat stomach and I have rolls when I sit down. If others don’t like what I’m wearing, they don’t have to look.

    • AnonATL

      When I saw people wearing these things on planes in the beforetimes I died a little on the inside. Can you imagine that much of your leg and butt touching a public surface…
      I’m a solidly 4”+ inseam kinda gal even was when I was a trendy teenager. Thank you chafing thunder thighs for encouraging some of that. But hey if that’s your look more power to you.

      • Anonymous

        I don’t think that I get a ton of chub rub, but after years in Athleta skorts, any hint of skin rubbing on skin just makes everything angry and pink. I cannot imagine wearing what are basically a bad version of Daisy Dukes — my skin would rebel! Not to mention the funk it would be picking up from sitting down on . . . things.

      • Brunette Elle Woods

        Why does it matter if your skin touches a public surface? Isn’t this why we have skin? It’s not like I’m licking the back of my thighs. Also, if it’s a chaffing issue, then idk, never experienced it. I’m super thin and my thighs physically can’t touch unless my legs are crossed.

    • Airplane.

      I love crop tops. I’m over 30 but I just love them for summer. Shrug. If this helps people have better posture, even better!

      • Brunette Elle Woods

        +1000 unless you think once a woman becomes a mom she has to cover up like a nun.

    • J

      I hate the mom jeans, but that’s because i am old enough to know why they are called that (um, our moms wore them!) and I carry my weight in my stomach, making those generally uncomfortable to me if i have any bloating or just eat anything throughout the day. Glad I am too old for that nonsense now, especially in daisy duke form.

      Crop tops I can get behind though–those can be super chic if done appropriately (I love a voluminous trouser with a fitted, barely cropped top). Although paired with the mom jeans, we get into 80’s trashiness pretty fast.

      • Anonymous

        Pls stop calling them Daisy Dukes — I can’t put my finger on it, but Daisy Dukes worked and these new mom jean shorts have something tragically wrong with the proportions. Poor Catherine Bach!

    • Anonymous

      Pls stop calling them Daisy Dukes — I can’t put my finger on it, but Daisy Dukes worked and these new mom jean shorts have something tragically wrong with the proportions. Poor Catherine Bach!

      • Anonymous

        Why would people wear something ugly on purpose? Like is it just for mom jean shorts or are there other examples.

        • Anon

          Go look at the site “Man Repeller.” I enjoy a lot of their content and I also enjoy looking at pictures of people wearing outfits that I would never wear in a million billion years because they are so horrifically unflattering. On people much younger, thinner and fitter than I am. So I can only imagine how those outfits would look on me.

        • J

          Lots of other examples, and old millenial hipsters, I am looking at you. The grandma/grandpa oversize glasses in clear plastic or worse, the ones with the bar at the top (like aviators, but glasses). I hate those with a passion and its hard to take people seriously when they wear that nonsense.

          Also, the big “dad sneakers”–the white athletic shoes that all the influencers were wearing last year I think. UGH.

          • PolyD

            Maybe I’m old enough (52) now to look amusedly on the ugly and/or scandalous fashion of youth. It has always been so – I’m sure my elders were horrified by the neon and lace gloves and other bad 1980s style I wore in my younger days.

            I don’t have to wear it and I don’t even have to like it, but I like to watch what young people wear, it’s fun to see what they find attractive. And maybe there are things I would wear, although probably modified versions thereof.

            100+ years ago the olds were probably raving about those silly young ladies and their crazy big hoop skirts!

          • anonshmanon

            Yeah, I cannot get hipster fashion. I always wonder though, is it a rejection of ‘mainstream aesthetic’ (however vaguely defined), and they purposefully say ‘I don’t want to highlight my physical features according to certain norms, and I’d rather go in boxy shirts’. Or is their sense of aesthetics so different from mine and they actually find they look awesome and classic silhouettes look stupid? Or has looking cool replaced looking good as the thing to prioritize for these folks? We may never know, but it’s fun to speculate.

        • Anon

          Because maybe they don’t have the same taste as you? Why would people care so much about what literal strangers are wearing?

        • Aunt Jamesina

          Because it’s enjoyable to experiment with fashion while rejecting the need to pander to the male gaze, at least for me. YMMV.

          • Anon

            I don’t think anyone wearing high waisted booty shorts to a restaurant is NOT pandering to the male gaze.

    • Anon Probate Atty

      I personally love my mom shorts from Anthropologie although they aren’t super short. They’re high waisted with a waist tie and baggy, light denim. I wear them with crop tops and don’t show any stomach. All around win.

    • Aunt Jamesina

      I mean, speaking of dicey outfits to sit in, do we not remember the decade of butt cracks and constantly pulling our pants up with low-rise jeans? Impracticality is always an issue with women’s fashion.

      • Anon

        Speaking of which, I love the featured top but didn’t order it because the reviews mention that you need a second person to get into it, due to the button-up back.

  11. College sports

    Ugh — my college just dropped a bunch of sports teams that several of my friends were in. I think that this is becoming common. Not a fan.

    1. IDK where a bunch of unemployed D1 coaches find jobs this late in the school year. Even if they dropped to high school and became gym teachers, it’s too late. They are screwed. And it’s not like other colleges will be hiring now.

    2. Why cut a whole team? Why not do what my employer did and put everyone on a 80% salary (above a floor for the poorest workers)? Why give a 100% cut to the sports that keep the athletic GPA and graduation rates nice and high? [At my school, most athletes are not getting even partial scholarships even though we are D1, they just want to play.] This seems so unfair and poorly thought out (and will likely cost them more in alienated alumni who no longer give and disengage from their college — some are college-based recruiters and will just not recruit any more.

    • Anonymous

      Why bother trying to save sports at the expense of literally anything else?

      • Anonymous

        Fine — kill sports. But don’t selectively get rid of teams like this. They are all worth it or we need to put them all on a diet.

      • Anonymous

        I don’t care about sports alone, but I think that they are a good outlet for students, help with with discipline and time management, and make big schools seem smaller. What I hate is that some sports are more equal than others and things like men’s gymnastics and swimming are sports the same as football (still not a money-maker at most schools) and basketball (same; we’re not all like Davidson, etc.). Why cut one sport and save others? Why can’t everyone make a sacrifice when it may be your neck on the chopping block next? [Or cut them all. Them and “Office for Protected Cost Center Sacred Cows” that neither fundraise nor teach?]

        • Anon

          I’m with you on swimming but gymnastics is a insanely expensive sport (former gymnast speaking). It really should be one of the first to get cut. I love it but in terms of allocation of resources, I get cutting first.

          • Anonymous

            Mom of a JO (not elite) gymnast here. I don’t see how gymnastics is any more expensive to a college than swimming. Based on what I’ve heard from other parents, swimming at a comparable level is also pretty expensive. W&M’s gymnastics team just wasn’t that successful, which probably factored in to the decision to cut it. Neither gymnastics nor swimming brings in much if any revenue at most schools.

          • anon

            Huh? On a per athlete basis gymnastics is by far more expensive. Lower coach to athlete ratio, expensive equipment and space that can’t be repurposed for anything else (a pool can serve other students beyond athletes, a gymnasium cant without massive liability exposure), expensive insurance, etc.

      • Anon

        It has been eye opening for me that women’s sports are usually the first ones to get the ax. Men’s football and basketball are sacred.

    • Anon

      Um, a lot of professors are being laid off, too. I’m more sympathetic to them, since you know, the point of a university is that it’s a place of learning?

    • Anonymous

      Why admit athletes at all if you’re worried they can’t handle the academics?

    • Anonymous

      I have two degrees from that college. It is a small public college whose enrollment and endowment are just not sufficient to support D1 sports. All students are charged about $2,000 per year for an “intercollegiate athletics” fee, so they are asking everyone to spend an extra $8,000 over four years to allow a handful of students to play D1 scholarship sports. The school has no business being in D1. They should have dropped to D3 instead of dropping teams. I suspect that part of the reason they insist on having D1 teams is simply to justify the football stadium and basketball arena. IMO, dropping down to D3 would improve the general campus culture and help the school enhance the reputation it is trying to cultivate as a elite academically focused institution.

    • SmallLawAtl

      As the mom of a D1 college athlete, it also makes me sad to see schools cut non-rev athletic programs to balance their budgets. We’ve seen multiple swim programs cut this year (and I probably know which school you are referring to), including one that recruited my kid pretty heavily. Athletes bring a lot of diversity of thought, personality and passion to a college campus. Anyone who can stick with a grueling sport for 10 years despite injuries, setbacks of all kinds, discouraging coaches, discouraging teammates and a “bad” body, is someone who brings value to a campus. I think (hope) colleges will feel their loss.

      • Anonymous

        Eyeroll. As if the kids who can get into school on academic merit don’t also have diversity of thought, personality, and passion.

        • Anon

          Check your privilege. Athletics are the only way many minority kids from impoverished background can get close to the elite, expensive liberal arts schools like the one you probably went to. Without sports recruitment, those mostly-white schools would be lily-white because systemic racism in our public school systems leave so many poor minority kids behind academically. Yes, the real answer is to fix those underlying inequities but until we do that (and if you think doing that is going to be easy, I suggest you read a newspaper) sports recruitment is at least doing SOMEthing. I think sports are over-emphasized at colleges and in society but just looking at statistics and research, it’s undeniable sports recruiting brings kids into colleges they otherwise couldn’t afford to attend in a million years. Also, just because you aren’t athletically inclined doesn’t mean others aren’t. Look outside your own little bubble occasionally.

          • Anonymous

            That is a load of garbage. Only a small handful of minority kids actually get in through sports. And kids from low-income backgrounds with an EFC of zero pay nothing to attend elite private institutions but may have to take out loans for public universities.

          • anon

            C’mon, most of the specialty sports that are on the chopping block cater to lily-white privileged people from the get-go, so this argument doesn’t track.

          • pugsnbourbon

            I don’t think the way to solve racial disparities in college is to ask minority students to mortgage their bodies – and in the case of football, their brains – for their educations.

          • anon

            Most of the sports being cut are those played by mostly white privileged kids anyways. Check your privilege.

        • SmallLawAtl

          That is what you took from an athletes’-appreciation post? And shall we discuss your presumption that athletes at the vast majority of schools in the vast majority of sports lack sufficient “academic merit” to get into their schools. The numbers do not even come close to bearing that out.

      • Anon

        I agree with this and I’m not even a huge fan of sports. I hate football and have never once watched basketball (the moneymaker sports as far as I know), but I played many sports growing up and they definitely made me a better person. I wish there were some way to balance the budget without being so draconian.

          • Anon

            Thanks for the field hockey shout out. My daughter was high school varsity team captain for two years and was on a really competitive club team. It taught her so much. She’s an all around better student because of it. And yes, women’s field hockey teams tend to bring up the athletics department GPA.

            She hung up her shin guards and isn’t playing in college, unfortunately, for a lot of reasons mentioned in OP’s post.

        • Anonymous

          There is a way to balance the budget and allow kids to continue learning lessons from sports. It’s called D3. Another way is called club sports.

          • Anon

            Sure, but there are also important lessons that apply to the highest levels of achievement. Club sports are fun (I played them), but there is value in being and training to be Olympic-caliber. It’s okay for athletes to grieve the loss of opportunities at that level.

          • Anonymous

            You don’t have to play college sports to train at the Olympic level. Some elite athletes are on college teams, but college participation is not necessary.

      • Anonymous

        I’m surprised … that you don’t realize that these athletes are now getting treated as normal students. If you don’t like that, you should have had a problem with how the university treated its regular students before.

        • Anonymous

          IDK — if you followed the Varsity Blues saga, you know that athletics, especially for Olympic sports, are different. Just ask Lori Laughlin.

      • Anonymous

        Guess what? A whole bunch of kids who have been through that same wringer do show up on college campuses without sports scholarships.

        As an aside, even though you are a swim mom, you sound like an apologist for USA Gymnastics. Being treated like garbage builds character?

        • SmallLawAtl

          Mmmm, yeah, a reference to the value of learning to put up with “difficult coaches” means I support Larry Nassar. Impressive leap there.

          • Anonymous

            You said “Anyone who can stick with a grueling sport for 10 years despite injuries, setbacks of all kinds, discouraging coaches, discouraging teammates and a ‘bad’ body, is someone who brings value to a campus.” I am not talking about Nassar, I’m talking about coaches like Maggie Nichols who treat kids the way your child was apparently treated. You are defending the toxic culture of youth sports as a builder of character.

    • Eager Beaver

      If it’s W&M, they’re discontinuing the sports after the 2020-2021 season, so no one is left trying to find a job for this academic year.

      • Anonymous

        They aren’t on the breadlines, but who are you going to send a resume to now? Not ECU. They cut their swimming program earlier this year.

        [And why is it always swimming, wresting, gymnastics?!]

        • Eager Beaver

          I’m responding specifically to this from OP “IDK where a bunch of unemployed D1 coaches find jobs this late in the school year. Even if they dropped to high school and became gym teachers, it’s too late. They are screwed. And it’s not like other colleges will be hiring now.”

          I’m sympathetic to anyone losing their job (truly), but it’s misleading to imply that everyone’s out on their a** and looking for work immediately.

    • Bonnie Kate

      It sounds like you really care about the sports and that totally sucks for you. Covid19 totally sucks for everyone. Definitely not fair.

      I do have to agree with the other posts – it continues to surprise me how much people equate school=sports and sports being as essential as academics. I always kind of knew this was a thing for some people, but now watching reactions and decisions being made this year have really just put such a fine point on this. For example, our local school district has started in person school (with the full expectation that they’ll be switching to virtual) and elementary school kids are wearing masks and sitting in plexiglass cubicles and not allowed to have story time on carpet or shared toys. Meanwhile, high school volleyball and football is still happening. This is just mind-boggling to me – if you’re to the point of plexiglass cubicles for kindergarteners, how is it even a question that sports teams shouldn’t be practicing and riding buses to games in different towns?

      • Anonymous

        Not all sports parents are nuts. I pulled my ninth-grader from gymnastics for the season after nine years in the sport, right when she had gotten to the level she’s been aiming for her entire career. She is upset, but she understands. She is more upset that the school district has $crewed her over by using the pandemic as an excuse to cut its academic offerings. She wishes all sports would be shut down so she wouldn’t be the only one missing out and so that everyone could get back in the gym and school safely.

    • Anon

      This makes me sad too. I played several sports growing up and played one in college (crew). I absolutely understand gripes with football programs (my school was D1 but 1AA for football, so we didn’t have the football atmosphere that other schools have. I love watching my NFL team but don’t watch any college football). I also did a lot of non sport activities growing up and in college and by far sports had the biggest impact on me. I think sports for kids / teens / young adults are so important and these schools cutting (Less popular) sports crushes me.

      My favorite sport in high school was field hockey (I wasn’t that good so I rowed (my second favorite sport) in college). My brother wrestled in college. All three of those sports are constantly on the chopping block and it’s so sad.

      • Anonymous

        This.

        Women’s sports were always suspect until Title 9 just meant that you cut out all swimming or gymnastics and not just the women’s team. Either schools should go D3 for all sports (and be generous with aid for needy students generally) or just get rid of sports. Don’t keep some and not others. Is the track runner or the swimmer or fencer less deserving than the basketball players?

    • Anonymous

      The elimination of the gymnastics team is not the reason why I don’t give to W&M. The reason I don’t give to W&M is that they raised my law school tuition by 70% between admission and graduation, but kept all scholarships steady at around 60% of what tuition was when you were admitted. I had to take out a lot of unplanned loans for my worthless education. Then a few years later they went to a 100% scholarship model, which would have left me with zero loans. They are never getting another penny from me.

      • Anonymous

        Ha! The reason NYU is never getting another $ from me is that they basically used my tuition $ to cross-subsidize students they thought were more desirable, even though they have a huge endowment and enormous landholdings. Their giving people are the best doxxers ever — I have moved a million times and every time they find me before anyone else. Their minimum ask (by the pre-printed boxes was $5K, starting when the ink wasn’t yet dry on my degree and my loans were first coming due). I hate them.

    • Seventh Sister

      Disclaimer: I went undergrad to a D3 school where athletics weren’t a big deal, then went to a law school attached to a D1 university with huge sportsball teams. I’ve never actually been to any game for the D1 school, just not interested.

      Honestly, I wonder whether some of the decisions to cut entire teams are strategic / related to internal politics and/or s*xism. Instead of cutting down the football or basketball budget, let’s axe a less popular men’s team (e.g., wrestling) so all the old-man boosters can complain that we still have that dumb women’s soccer team. I’ve heard people say that cheerleading as a D1 sport could balance this out, but cheer seems to have its own ecosystem and probably wouldn’t be interested in joining up with the NCAA.

      As an aside, D1 recruits for sports like sailing seem like a particularly ridiculous, rich-kid-only-path to elite universities.

  12. Masks for exercising?

    Any suggestions for masks that work well for exercising? When I run I feel like I am sucking my mask into my mouth – seems like maybe something more structured would be better but I haven’t seen any masks like that. (I am in a busy enough area that I need to have the mask on while running, so no mask is not an option).

    • Anon

      You want a “duck billed” mask. I’ve seen them around but I don’t have any recs personally

    • Shopaholic

      Have you tried the Onzie masks? I find them to be more breathable. Or the ones made by UnderArmour? They are supposedly designed for use by athletes.

    • Anonymous

      There are plastic frames you can buy to hold the mask away from your face. I have not tried them personally, but have heard them recommended for working out.

  13. anon

    Best and most cost effective wireless hotspot with solid coverage in rural areas? I’m the poster from yesterday looking to go for a drive out west and looking to see if that may be a solution.

    • Anon

      Definitely Verizon, but solid coverage is probably a stretch. I’d look at reviews from RV forums and see what they have to say. If you want to go to rural areas like national parks and get reliable data coverage most of the day, I think this is unlikely to work. If you stick to interstates, it might.

      • Anon

        I should add, it really depends on how available you need to be. If it doesn’t matter that you drop service here and there as long as you check in every few hours or can get online every night, then this will be fine. But if you need to be available all the time, then I can guarantee this won’t work. I was the one who posted yesterday saying I had AT&T, not Verizon, but my recent experience driving in the west and in national parks is that I didn’t have data as often as I had it. I think Verizon is better, but still not great- in my small west coast city neither of them even have working data service in my neighborhood!

      • Anon

        Yes. FWIW I have Verizon. We went to Yosemite and near Yosemite this Summer and I could barely (often not) make a phone call.

    • anon

      Verizon, but even with that, you are going to be sh!t out of luck in many areas of the country and in the mountains in particular. And what is even the point of doing this drive during a freaking pandemic if you’re going to work all the time?

  14. Anonymous

    I’m worried about expanded unemployment running out, more layoffs, and people not being able to make ends meet. I get WSJ, NYt, and WaPo, plus my state’s main daily newspaper (all online). I read some articles pre-end of July. When will the month of August reports be available? What should I read?

    • AnonATL

      If you are looking for government stats, they all lag by varying degrees and are reported at different time periods.
      Unemployment insurance claims are weekly and lag a week. Unemployment rates are monthly and lags a month. Things like GDP are quarterly and lag a quarter + a month. Even if you are reading the analysis in a newspaper instead of pulling the numbers directly from the source, there is going to be a delay while the agency collects and reports it out. That’s all at the national level, and many states report up to that. There are tons of other macroeconomic indicators you can follow and they typically lag by whatever period they are reported (monthly is a month behind, etc).

    • A Fed

      BLS released the August jobs report this morning. It’s on their website. BLS.gov and major news outlets have already run the numbers. GDP is released the last week of the month. It’s a quarterly number and the release a first, 2nd and final estimate. That’s released on BEA.gov. You can sign up for emails for both reports.

    • Anon

      Look for a think tank’s analysis of the jobs numbers, like Brookings or Economic Policy Institute.

  15. How to Not Defer to People so Much?

    Okay, this is long, but ……..How do you become more confident in telling someone that they’re doing something incorrectly/wrong or in the least efficient way possible (when you know this person isn’t trying to drag out the process), but you’re only 95% sure you’re correct? This seems to come up a lot in my life, and I would like to stop….second guessing myself (I am not sure if that’s the correct term). This comes up frequently both with my husband and with the partner at my firm that I do 85% of my work for. My husband is one of those people who speaks with such confidence that he actually had multiple professors in undergrad and law school tell him something to the effect of “you are dead wrong, but I nearly believed you because you spoke with such confidence and articulated and argued your point so well that I believed you were correct for a moment there.” (we were in undergrad and law school together, so I have seen this happen).
    Here are some examples – Husband and I will be heading to a scheduled appointment (accountant, doctor’s appointment, restaurant reservation, friends’ house, etc.). We have been to the location before, usually multiple times. We are trying to get to the location at a specific time, and we leave our house at a time where we will arrive on time at the office. Husband drives (he drives 99% of the time because I really don’t like driving all that much). However, he starts going in a direction that both doesn’t make sense and I know will take much longer. However, it’s still a way where we’ll get to the location, it’s just not the way I’d go, very roundabout/inefficient and will add time to our trip. However, instead of thinking “why is he going the wrong direction?” I think “Husband must know something I don’t, maybe there’s a road closure, or maybe husband needs to go this way to stop somewhere else before we get to the account’s office?” However, 95% of the time, it’s just he wasn’t thinking and started going a different direction. There have been a couple of times where he did intend to go the odd way because there was something he wanted to do between our house and the accountant’s office.

    At work, with the partner I work with most of the time, we have an excellent working relationship and get along really well as people. However, his memory for details isn’t great. He’s mid forties, a very sharp and skilled attorney, but he just doesn’t remember random details about past deals. So he makes statements that aren’t correct or proceeds to do something that is going to make a whole process take longer. However, none of these statements are necessarily critical to the deal, they just create potential inefficiencies, or cause us to backtrack on a relatively minor statement we made. Like, last night I got an email asking me to let a group of our clients know that a Thing was happening on a pre-existing deal. My initial internal response was – “okay, sure, easy stuff. This exact situation has happened 5 times in the past two years, and just happened in April. I’ll just write the same email I did when Thing happened in April of this year.” However, the partner’s email said at the end “But don’t compare this Thing to thing that happened in April or any prior time Thing happened.” (end of email) This didn’t make sense because the people I have been told to email about Thing are just a subset of the people that were part of Thing that happened in April, and all of the prior times Thing happened (usually Thing has involved like 50 people, this time it only involved 25 of the 50 people). Comparing Thing that is about to happen, and saying it’s the same as the past Things makes everyone’s life easier (and it really is 98% the same). Partner and I have work on all of these deals and all the times Thing has happened. But my reaction is “Okay, that doesn’t make sense, but there is probably a very specific reason that he doesn’t want me to mention the prior times Thing happened. I don’t know what his reason is, but he’s the partner, so I defer to him.” So, I write the email saying “Thing will be happening, let me know if you have any questions.” And the responses, as I anticipated them to be, were “Is Thing the same as Thing that happened in April and Thing that happened before?” After getting 10 of these types of questions this morning in about 5 minutes, Partner says to me “oh, I didn’t realize it was basically the same group of people, we should said it was the same as Thing that happened in April.” Again, this is not a critical issue, I’ve made it clear it’s the same, we’ve moved on. But I spent an hour this morning assuring clients it’s the same Thing as what happened before, and that’s an hour that I didn’t have to spend if I had written the email the way I thought would be correct and most efficient.

    So, that is a very long way of saying, how do I not defer so much to what people are doing/telling me to do, when I am 95% sure that the person is missing a piece of information that would make whatever they’re doing easier and more efficient?

    • anon

      In the situation with your husband, your marriage is likely better for your approach. I’m the type to speak up, and it’s rarely appreciated.

      In the situation with the partner at work, it might be worth a conversation about how you should handle that type of situation. I would never write something in an email that Boss explicitly told me not to write–as you said, even if the two Things are similar, Boss may have a good reason not to make the comparison. If the partner has time for a quick call or email, you could ask him why not make the comparison before you write the email (or if you’re in person, this is the type of thing I poke my head in someone’s office for, or add off-hand at the end of a conversation about something else). If none of those things are possible before the email needs to go out, then just bill for the inefficiencies the partner creates.

      • Anon

        Re: your first paragraph, is your marriage actually better, or just your husband at the expense of you?

    • Anon

      In both of these scenarios you’re not speaking up to ask why when you should. Just ask your questions, it doesn’t have to be adversarial to ask somebody why.

    • AFT

      Do you feel like you can’t ask “why” of these people? I do not have this problem (possibly to a fault) but in your examples, if I couldn’t figure out the why of it, I’d definitely could say to my husband “oh, were you planning to take Jones St. instead of Main St.?” and expect he’d either explain why or be open to me saying “I typically take Main because of that gnarly left turn at the end of the trip on Jones” and then expect him to explain his perspective. Similar for boss – I would probably be more cautious but open to saying something like “I know you said it was different, but can you tell me what you see that makes you think that?” If they then said “This was before new client joined” and you know new client joined in January, you should be able to respectfually say, “oh, actually I checked the file and I can clarify that…” and they should be open to then offering additional info or changing their perspective.

      • Anon

        The other thing of asking why at work is that you may learn things that will help you with your work in the future. If the answer is “I never send these kinds of emails on the fifth Tuesday after a full moon” then you will know the next time not to draft that email on the fifth Tuesday after a full moon!

      • Anonymous

        OP here – I wouldn’t say I’m afraid, because sometimes I have spoken up/asked the question. If it’s a critical matter, I absolutely speak up. With my husband and driving somewhere and he’s taking a weird route, it might make us 2 minutes late to an appointment with, say, our accountant, but it’s not a critical, life or death appointment (we’re not driving to the ER), so I just let it go. My husband does everything with such confidence and authority that you just assumed 10000% he is doing his action intentionally. Friends and acquaintances often comment on this (so it’s not just a me thing). It just makes it not anyone’s first move to question him. He and I absolutely debate and I’m not afraid to speak my mind to him, but if it’s not a truly deal, then sometimes speaking up is, as another posted said “not appreciated” and it just sets a bad tone for the rest of the time we spend together.

        My husband also will not remember when he doesn’t like a particular dish at a restaurant. So, we’ll go somewhere, he’ll order something that, based on the description, he thinks he will like eating. Then he eats it and determines it just wasn’t his thing and he won’t get it again, he’ll try something else (but it’s not a disaster, it’s just not his preference). Like this is a conversation we have at dinner that he didn’t like that the chicken for the salad came on the bone or that they used a condiment that wasn’t described in the menu. We’ll go back to the same restaurant and he orders that dish he didn’t really like again. And it’s the same reaction. And I say, “well, you didn’t like it before, I just thought you were giving it another shot. We had a whole conversation how you didn’t like that they prepared it in that manner.”

        I think maybe part of it is that I have a crazy good memory, so when someone doesn’t remember how a deal worked or the most efficient way to go to a place or that they didn’t like something from a restaurant, that’s not something I totally understand because of course I remember these things. To me its like, How do you not remember these are the same annoying clients that were on ALL of these deals? Don’t you remember the hours we spent complaining abut XYZ client specifically and then you told me that whole long story about that one time at a conference when you had dinner with the client and they ordered everything on a separate plate?

        This is all just more annoying than “actually causing an issue” problems. A situation like this probably comes up once a week at home and once a week at work. Sometimes when I have pushed back, I’ve gotten a snappy annoyed rude answer, and it makes me not feel great. So, that’s why I question questioning them or bringing it up – because that 5% of the time where they did intend for something to happen, and I’m wrong, I take it personally and it doesn’t feel good. The timing of these things usually also isn’t good – it comes up at the start of a trip together with Husband, so now we’re in the car and at an appointment together for the next hour plus, with boss’s questions, it will be late at night or when he’s out of the office, so it’s not a “pop my head in the office to clarify” and i get back somewhat snippy responses because h’es trying to spend time with his family or not near his computer to double check for himself. It’s one of those things in life that is annoying to me, but not so annoying that I want to make a federal case out of it.

    • Anony

      For work, you really just have to ask the question but leave it open-ended enough and with a tone of “I’m trying to do this correctly and make us look good” that no one gets offended. I’m a question asker and am actually learning a new role at work. The person who ‘trained’ me said “do not bother the engineers and ask them questions about their entries in the database; just put them into the other database and move on”.

      Nope, I can’t do that. I’m not risking doing it wrong and making more work for other people in the long run by being scared of asking a question or double checking what I *think* is the right answer. I’ve been bugging people left and right – “hey, sorry to bother you but I need some help with your DB entry; I’m pretty sure it needs to go into the other DB but wanted to double check and see if assigning it to this team is correct” or “hey, I noticed the location in your DB entry doesn’t match your description; is that correct or should they match up?” 99% of the time these people have outright thanked me for being so detail-oriented, catching mistakes, and taking the time to ask the questions.

      Someone, who I’ve worked with exactly once, IMed me this morning to say “I really appreciate you being so thorough and catching those mistakes I made” – I had said to him “I noticed that you changed the assignee from Billy Bob to me, but they should be assigned to Billy Bob so I changed them back. Then decided I should double check with you about why you had changed them, in case I missed something”. Ask questions; you will learn a lot and most people will thank you for doing the task the correct way, the first time.

  16. CHL

    I haven’t had my short layered bob cut since February and am interested in keeping growing it out since I’m curious about having long hair again and I just wouldn’t prioritize my haircut over other things I want to do right now. It’s at kind of an awkward length right now where it’s hitting my shoulders and getting flippy, the back fits in a ponytail but the front doesn’t quite make it there. Any tips for getting through the awkward phase??

    • anon

      Embracing the flippiness and doing loose, beachy waves might be an option. But I hear you, that is a very hard length!

      • AnonATL

        I used to cut my hair into a Bob 2x a year and then let it grow out. Definitely just embrace the awkward Jackie o but not as good flippiness. There’s no way around it unless you have curly hair or waves like a pp suggested.
        As far as getting the front short pieces in, I typically do twists and bobby pin them into place. So it’s basically a ponytail with the front twisted back on each side. Braids also work if you can keep them pieces from poking out along the braid.

    • Coach Laura

      Every time I’ve tried to grow out my hair as an adult, I’ve given up in frustration when it hit my shoulders and curled up and looked messy. Chopped it at that point. With the pandemic and working at home, I’ve decided that since no one is going to see it, it’s the perfect time to grow through the awkward stage. Mainly since it’s hot, I put it in a ponytail.

    • Anon

      Embrace the flippy. My hair wants to flip up at any length longer than chin. I get the most compliments when it’s flipping up, despite my best attempts to get it to lie flat or flip under. Embrace your inner Mary Tyler Moore.

  17. Anon

    I’m really, really bad at seeing long term goals through to completion. So, I’ve decided to go balls to the wall and try to run a marathon.

    I ran a half a few years ago, without really training (it was tough but I finished). I haven’t run much lately but I used to run a fair amount so I know that I can. I’m thinking I’d aim for fall 2021.

    Has anyone here started from barely running and ended up running a marathon?

    • Anon

      Work your way up to a 7 mile long run once per week (so, 3-4-3-7 if running 4 days per week), and then you’re ready to start an actual marathon training plan. IIRC, that’s the first week of Hal Higdon’s beginner marathon plan, which is the basis of pretty much all that are around now and what I used when I ran my first. It’s slow, safe and sane.

    • CountC

      Yes, kind of! I went from no running to running ultras in two years. You can absolutely 100% be ready for the fall of 2021. Agree with the poster above me re: the Hal Higdon plans. I also am a big fan of leaning towards undertrained vs overtrained. Overtrained leads to injuries more often IME. I also end up running better when I am a bit undertrained because I am more relaxed and not burned out, but YMMV.

      • Anon

        Wow, that’s awesome. I think anyone who can run an ultra is super cool – and bonus points if you do it while pregnant and setting a FKT like one professional athlete I follow :)

        • CountC

          Thank you!! I definitely cannot take that much credit though :) I am just into doing “dumb” things like running for a long time in the woods!

    • Anonymous

      *Raises hand* I have run on and off, never very seriously, for years, but started again in February 2019. I ended up doing a marathon in November 2019. I did a half in May, which was the big goal, but got caught up in it (an *awesome* running group really helped) and decided to sign up for the marathon as a lofty dream goal.
      I ran almost entirely intervals (I prefer longer jogging stretches, so usually 4m run:1m walk), which I really recommend. And the marathon itself was very hard and I walked a lot of it– it ended up taking me 5:45, but I was thrilled to have done it.

    • Anonymous

      I went from Couch to 5k to a marathon in a little over a year. I trained to run a half between March and May using Hal Higdob’s plan, and then moved to the HH marathon plan between May and October.

      Some personal conflicts came up and I didn’t follow the training as closely as I would’ve liked, but I still finished the marathon (albeit very slowly).

  18. In a bubble

    Does anyone intentionally live in an internet bubble? I’m at the point in my life where I have no capacity to deal with people who believe in crazy stuff (flat earthers, anti-vaxxers, etc). I know the general wisdom is to expose yourself to all sides, but I am just not interested in hearing people out who are anti science anymore. Can I in good conscience just mute all these people on
    social and move on with my life?

    • Carmen Sandiego

      On Wednesday, no less than three people on my social media feed posted that California made pedophilia legal, so, yea, I think it’s fine to just mute people (or block or whatever) and move on guilt-free.

    • Anonymous

      Yes, I’ve begun to embrace the bubble. I am interested in learning/exploring new ideas, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I need to give audience to everyone. I don’t think I owe anyone or have an obligation to listen to repetitive disgusting, uninformed ideas. That kind of just enforces bias, doesn’t it? A well-reasoned article, or an in-person conversation or something, I’m glad to have. But a bunch of memes about how BLM is stupid, for example — what’s the point of looking at those every few days?

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