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anon
We just went to Paris for a week and the jet leg while we were there was AWFUL. I had basically two days at the end of the trip where I felt good; until then, I could have laid on the museum bench at fallen asleep immediately. It’s been better on the home end of the trip. Is this normal? Does it hit some worse than others? My husband thinks everyone who goes to Europe spends longer than a week there, but that doesn’t seem right to me.
Anon
The key for me has always been staying awake until normal bedtime local time on the day you arrive, no matter how much you want to nap, to get a good night’s sleep the first night.
anon
We actually did this. I feel like we did all the right things and still got slammed. I will say that the four days before the trip we were going going going (two galas, kid stuff, etc.) but this didn’t feel like regular tired – it felt like jet lag.
Anon
It probably felt like jet lag because it literally was jet lag. That is not a mystery syndrome.
A
This. And set an alarm and wake up at a regular-ish time the next day. You have to power through. Also change your watch to arrival time zone as soon as you get on the plane and live by future time (e.g. eat, sleep on future time as much as you can).
Anon
It’s very common but many don’t want to admit it. It’s especially hard the older you get.
anon
What time zone are you coming from?
I’m in Boston and we’ve done a few 4-day trips to very western Europe (UK, France, Spain) with no issue, and have friends who do the same. Travel time is approximately the same as us flying to California, fwiw. So your husband’s theory is definitely incorrect. We’re in a phase of life where sleep is sparse as it is (little kids) so maybe we’re just more adept to operation with less than optimal rest?
Anon
Same, coming from the East Coast. We have done 5 days in Paris and had a very enjoyable time. We sleep a bit on the plane and have an active first day, but sometimes take a power nap in the afternoon. The key is to set an alarm and make dinner plans so you don’t just sleep. Maybe some people are more affected by it than others? And it would definitely be much harder from a West Coast time zone.
anon
I think it’s like anything else, impacts some people more than others and hits the same person harder sometimes…. I fly to europe pretty frequently and do OK but arrived in lisbon last summer feeling like i had been hit by a bus. My suggestions (nothing magic): book the lastest flight possible out of the US (so you have a fighting chance of having your hotel be ready when you get there, avoid getting in at 6 AM if possible). Take a gummy or a melatonin on the plane if that’s a thing you do and try to sleep. Drink a boat load of water (no alcohol). When you get there, brush teeth and wash face. have a meal, drink a lot of water and try to keep yourself outside in day light until midday. Take a shower and a nap of an hour but not longer and push through to dinner, keep yourself up until 9:30 if you can. Also tangentially related, i always have problems “going” and i have bringing chia seeds and having them with hot water and lemon, helps get things moving.
NYCer
+1. We do lots of sub-one week trips to Europe and don’t have big issues with jet lag.
Cat
If this was your first time going abroad, don’t beat yourself up. Everyone learns from their first time how best to combat it for themselves. We have gone for 4-5 days and 10-11 days but follow the same routine regardless.
(1) pick the latest flight possible and don’t bother eating on the plane – just take a Zzquil and get max sleep;
(2) securing early check-in at our hotel (this occasionally means paying some upcharge or an extra night);
(3) taking a 1-1.5 hour nap (early nap – before lunch!) to have enough energy to make it to local bedtime, and then showering to feel fresh rather than like stale plane air;
(4) getting straight outside into the daylight to help the body know what time it is;
(5) staying up until a reasonable bedtime; and
(6) setting an alarm for firm plans on Full Day 1 so that you’re forced onto the time zone.
Some people are firmly in the No Nap camp and so skip Step 3 on our list (and just do a luggage drop at the hotel if it’s too early to check in), but we’ve found that short nap critical to being able to enjoy the afternoon and evening while still being able to go to sleep at night.
Cat
Oh, and to your question about whether traveling east or west is easier – I think traveling west (or home from Europe) is a lot easier than traveling east for adjusting. Land at 4, your body thinks it’s finishing dinner in Europe, force yourself to stay up until 8pm, sleep like 11 hours, and you’re back on local time.
My stomach however always takes a little longer to get back on schedule than my brain. Like I’ll wake up after coming home and it wants a full pasta lunch rather than breakfast, lol.
Anonymous
I have family in central Europe and I’m mostly unable to sleep on planes. Even doing everything “right” I’m never not brutally tired until day 5 or 6, even after probably 30 trips in the last 20 years. I am fine if I get a business class seat and can actually lay down on the plane, but we can’t afford that for family travel. So I really do think it is personal.
I will add – the last trip we took was over Christmas, and I bought a Turtl pillow for everyone. They are crazy expensive for travel pillows ($80), but they actually worked, and we all slept much better – I think I felt awake after day 3 this time.
Gail the Goldfish
The Turtl pillows have been following me on Instagram and I was wondering if they did in fact work and were worth it, so thank you!
Anonymous
That’s not my normal. I typically fly overnight from the east coast, am of course tired that first day and typically take a 4pm nap and then have a 7pm dinner and get to bed early. Then the next day it is up at 7 and ready to go! As Taylor Swift says jet lag is a choice lololol. But east coast to Europe you just sort of deal with it. East Coast to Asia/Pacific is the real jet lag.
Anon
I find east coast to Asia easier. But that’s because my flight will get arrive in the early evening. So, by the time I get the the hotel and have dinner, I can just go to sleep. I then wake up the next morning basically on local time.
I find flights to Europe so much harder because you arrive in the morning and then have to try to stay up all day. I’m then so exhausted that I never feel like I get enough sleep. I wish there were flights that weren’t red eyes.
Anonymous
There are they just aren’t as common!
Anon
Maybe it’s just from my city, but I can’t find anything that’s not a red eye. And I would still prefer a direct red eye over a connection that’s during the day
Anon
They’re extremely limited. From Chicago the only place in Europe you can go on a non-redeye is London. Looks like NYC has more options, but still not that many places.
Anon
Same but Italy. Jet lag never bothered me when I was younger, but now (40ish) it hits me hard. I follow Cat’s advice and am usually ok (but not my best on day 3), but not all the way there until day 6ish. I also like to travel slowly — small number of sights per day and more time there, lots of time to wander around and sit in cafes. I don’t enjoy “doing” a city in one day just to have a check mark that I saw sometime, and don’t mind missing “major” sights.
Anon
Totally normal. Going to Europe from the west coast is almost upside down time wise and I’m always jet lagged for almost a week. I do all the “things” and it makes no difference. I find it miserable and no longer do short trips, it’s not worth it.
Anonymous
I always try to adjust my sleep schedule before I go. So take a sleeping pill and sleep 10pm-6am a week before the trip for two nights then 9pm to 5am for two nights then 8:30pm to 4:30am for two nights. Then the first day there, I nap after early check in on arrival, up by noon for lunch, sightsee in the afternoon, dinner out and go to bed around midnight/1am (which is 7pm EST).
Anonymous
No. Fly overnight, try to sleep on the plan. Power through day 1 and go to sleep close to normal time. Then you should be good.
Anon
I’ve never spent longer than one week at a time in Europe. I’m near Chicago.
I need a lot of sleep and can’t sleep on planes, so I usually go to bed very early the first night, often as early as 5 or 6 pm local time, and then I sleep through until the next morning. My husband needs less sleep and would wake up in the night if he went to bed that early, so he normally stays up until a normal bedtime. Other people nap early in the day to get to a reasonable bedtime. It may take some trial and error to figure out what works for you.
ProfP
Flying to Europe from Mountain Time a couple of times a year over many years. I have wildly variable experience: some trips I’m trashed for days, others I’m just fine the second day. My preferred strategy is the afternoon nap relatively soon after arrival, then go out and walk around, have dinner at a normal time for where I am, get up the next morning at a reasonable hour, and usually I’m pretty much good to go, with occasional drops in energy the first few days. I can’t sleep much on planes except in business (very rare occurrence for me) but the Turtl pillow does help.
towelie
If I’m only in Paris for a weekend I have late dinners and party until 3 a.m. and then sleep until noon. So instead of a 9 hour time difference its only 3-4.
anon
I like your style. Honestly, I should do this!
Anon
I basically do this, though I’m not a huge partier. I don’t venture out till about noon, then stay up late keeping in touch with people in my time zone (us Pacific). My two trips to Paris were 4 & 5 days so I couldn’t waste a day trying to deal with jet lag.
Anon
There’s frequent advice on the moms’ page to do something similar with kids (not 3 am, but keeping a kid with, say, a 7 pm bedtime up until midnight or something like that in Europe so you basically stay on the home time zone). It never worked for me, my kid’s internal clock is very keyed into daylight and she wakes when the sun rises regardless of what time it is, so she wouldn’t get nearly enough sleep if we kept her up until midnight. But apparently it works for a lot of people.
AnonNL
I only get jet lag when flying from the American continent back to Europe, never had issues in the opposite direction. I also confirm it got worse with age (late 30s). I have trouble falling asleep, only fall asleep at 2-3 a.m., then have to wake up at 6 a.m. and this is on repeat for 4-5 nights. What changed the game for me was when I started taking pregabalin (for neural pain) last year. The meds help me fall asleep and stay asleep whole night. So after my last trip from Mexico, I barely had any issues.
So your case of having issues for a week don’t sound completely out of normal to me. Some people deal with jet lag better than others. Yes, you can take strategic naps (1-2pm local European time), try to stay late to better sync with the ‘European’ clock. I just accept that the first few days after arrival will not be my best.
Seventh Sister
I think it’s a bit like sleep deprivation or seasickness, some people are really affected, others not so much. My husband doesn’t sleep well in the best of circumstances and can rarely sleep on planes, he usually has trouble. I’m a relatively “good” sleeper who usually feels fine even on minimal sleep, so after the first day I mostly feel normal.
Horse Crazy
Noooo I just realized that Target doesn’t sell the Threshold 300 Thread Count Ultra Soft Sheets anymore. What are some other nice soft cotton sheets thar are not sateen?
Anon
Charter Club Damask 550 thread count at Macy’s
Digby
I bought the L. L. Bean pima cotton percale sheets that Wirecutter recommends. I haven’t had them long, but they seem good so far. Not necessarily soft, since they are percale, but they don’t seem rough or scratchy.
I also bought some percale sheets from the Company Store, and they’re noticeably smoother than the L. L. Bean. I bought patterns that were on clearance, so I don’t have a specific item to suggest.
pink nails
+1 company store sheets. we have the organic cotton percale fitted sheet in a pattern from a few years ago.
anon88
I had the LL Bean sheets and they ripped within a year :(
Now I have the company store percale sheets and agree they are smoother and I like them more than the LL Bean ones.
Anon
I switched from the Threshold line to the Better Homes and Gardens “Hygro Cotton” sheet sets. They are 100% cotton, cool touch, and not stiff or scratchy, but they’re not fuzzy soft (I can’t remember if the Threshold sheets I used to get where the Ultra Soft or what those were like). I use flannel (fuzzy soft) in winter and linen (not so soft) in summer, but the Hygro Cotton are my “silky soft and smooth” sheets for when it’s not cold but not sweltering hot either.
Anonymous
These are not soft at first, but I traded my Threshold sheets for Red Land Cotton sheets and I’m obsessed with them. They’re made in the USA of cotton grown in the USA, which is important to me. They feel like muslin when you first get them. I’ll admit I was pretty disappointed. But they are really softening up about six months in (I wash them weekly) and they will last me a decade. The last set of threshold I bought got holes in less than three months and I decided I was done. It’s a shame: those were great sheets.
Lexi
Has anyone tried Brooklinen? There’s a sale going on and thought of trying out their Luxe sheets. My current ones are a percale from Schweitzer Linen that have seen better days. And I think I want to switch from percale to something smoother.
brokentoe
I did and the pillowcases developed holes in the seams within a month. They were really thin, had flimsy corners, and did not feel like they would last so I took advantage of their return policy and bought Costco 600 thread sheets which are smooth but much heftier.
Lexi
Good to know, will try something else, thanks!
Anon
If you like percale and subtle prints, I’m pretty happy with Target’s opalhouse cotton percale sheets.
Anon
I love Target’s percale sheets. Cute patterns (I have peacocks from a few years ago!) and they have really good bottom grips, and Top/Bottom markings, and they sleep cool. They are my favorite!
I also like Garnet Hill and Company Store percale. Spendy but also last many years.
Anon
I have these
https://a.co/d/9y9Le3v
I’ve had them since 2021. Pima cotton is the smoothest because it’s the longest staple cotton, which means fewer tiny tiny little ends poking out of the threads, which is what leads to a rougher feeling. They feel sort of stiff when you first get them – 800 thread count is pretty dense – but they get better and better over time. Mine are so so smooth and soft now, and they’ve held up perfectly. We only have one set of sheets and wash them weekly.
Anon
I am beginning to hate free e-mail like gmail (especially gmail). I realize that no one uses hotmail anymore (which IMO worked so much better). Has anyone bought their own domain name and paid for a good version of Outlook for home use? I was thinking of something like FamilyNameOrSimilar.com, which I saw one person I knew years ago do. I have a volunteer gig where it is madness to keep up with and manage e-mail distro lists for (and then I have teens who are now having to manage e-mails for clubs, school, and eventually college applications and jobs). If you have done this, what has worked well?
Anonymous
Set up Outlook for your gmail account.
pink nails
It’s not hard to buy a domain and set up email; I have done it for several side hobby businesses. So definitely something that is doable. Genuine question – is Outlook really that much better than gmail?
Cb
Yeah, I wonder what the key issue is with gmail? Perhaps identifying the problem can help with troubleshooting? I don’t feel like I get tons and tons of email these days?
KJ
There are a number of email clients you can set up on a custom domain. However, having used both extensively, I can confidently say Gmail is a vastly superior product to Outlook in basically every way. I’m not sure where the idea that there is a ‘good’ version of Outlook comes from. The enterprise Outlook is the same interface with tools for working in an org built in — not sure how this would help you with your personal email.
Cat
what is frustrating you about gmail? I love how easy it is to set up rules & filters, and to forward email from separate accounts (or not).
Anonymous
I’m curious about what bothers you about gmail. If I were going to pay for an email client it would be Superhuman, which I use at work and is great.
Anon
Yes, I bought my own domain and I use Google workspace or whatever they call it now (they used to call G suites) and have it delivered to Outlook. This is for my small business. I have to pay some amount per month for this. I feel like it’s less than $20 not counting the fees for my domain.
Lexi
I have this through Go Daddy, and it’s awful. They switched to Outlook and I’ve had both but problems. And you don’t get much storage for the basic account. But literally miss emails, would 100% not recommend.
Anon
Well GoDaddy just sucks generally. There are way better services for domain hosting.
Anonymous
I’ve been eyeing the email app Hey since there was the NYT piece about. I already own my own domain name and just use google.
Anon
Now that it’s been four years since the pandemic started, is there any good information about whether COVID-19 truly has evolved to become less harmful? I remember hearing in the earliest days that that would likely happen, but I haven’t seen anything recently about the evolution of the virus and whether the current low hospitalization rates/deaths are due to the virus being less harmful or there simply being less of it going around.
I’m high-risk with a condition that makes the vaccine less effective (although not entirely ineffective) and looking to drop indoor masking most of the time because I can’t take it anymore. I wouldn’t have a problem doing it during high-prevalence times but I want to indoor dine and go on a vacation without masking on the plane. I know other high-risk people who say they have no issue masking for the rest of their lives and I respect that if it helps them avoid bad outcomes, but I can’t do it personally and think that I have a reasonable chance of being OK if I do get it. If there is real evidence that the virus might be less harmful than it once was, that would be helpful for decision making. Welcome thoughts from other high-risk people specifically.
Anon
I have a friend who got an organ transplant. Prior to that, he was very sick. Since that, his body is doing much better. Even though he is in some ways immunosuppressed, he + his doctors + his family who are all doctors are in agreement that he should go out and live his life and is now healthy enough to do OK if he got that (or the million other things out there). He’s not going crazy but is able to go to family events and fully participate in life again with the people he loves.
Anon
Thank you, this is helpful. My condition is generally considered a little less harmful than immunosuppressants from organ transplant so I’m encouraged to see that he got that advice.
anon
I’m not high risk and not generally that cautious, and I still mask in airports and on the plane when there’s a crowd. I don’t do it for COVID per se, but there were just so many airborne sicknesses (cold, flu, RSV, COVID, others) circulating this winter that inevitably I was getting exposed to a lot during my frequent business travel. And I was far from the only one still masking on planes.
I hope you find a balance that works for you! But I would suggest holding off on having mask-free air travel for now.
Anon
+1. Not high risk, but I’ve spent my entire life ruining travel by getting sick nearly every time I fly. I’m definitely sticking with masks on planes even though I don’t wear them almost anywhere else anymore (sometimes to doctor’s appointments). Also, I am a microbiologist, though I haven’t been following the Covid evolution research super closely. It’s very clear that it has evolved in ways that increase infectiveness and it’s not implausible that that has also decreased severity of infection, but showing that clearly in humans is actually quite difficult now that almost everyone has been exposed to the virus or vaccine. I’m sure there is some research on this though, it’s just harder to measure and takes longer.
Anon
+1 Air travel is the only time we mask anymore. It seems so much riskier than other indoor situations (sitting in an enclosed box with 200 people for 4+ hours, vs popping into a large store for 20 min, vs eating in a restaurant with maybe 50 other people for an hour).
Anon
A biologist friend tells me that planes (once fully airborne) are safer than most places because of the filtration. Seems like people are all over the place on this. Sigh.
Anonymous
The supposed filtration doesn’t help when the sick person is sitting in close proximity to you. It also doesn’t help with the crowded, unventilated jetway or when the plane is sitting on the tarmac.
Anon
There’s pretty good research on this. In flight filtration is quite good, but isn’t on during boarding and doesn’t protect you if people in the rows immediately around you are sick. So it’s still a fair amount of exposure for someone who doesn’t spend a lot of time in large groups normally but not anywhere near as bad as it might seem.
Anon
I’ve heard that too but then my common sense tells me that if the people in the seats and rows around you are breathing and coughing, how could that get filtered before it gets to you? And then there’s the time before you’re in the air, which can be a long time as planes are not infrequently delayed on the tarmac. Maybe a safe approach is to wear a mask until you’re cruising
Anon
Really? I always seem to catch a cold on a plane.
Anonymous
In theory this is true. Planes are engineered to have great filtration – like operating room level – in the ceiling and floors. But that’s in theory on an empty plane. That doesn’t account for the fact that you could get someone on your flight to Australia coughing directly on the back of your head or sitting right next to you sick in which case the in floor and in ceiling filtration may protect someone ten rows away as fewer particles would float thru the whole plane but wouldn’t protect you because you are closer to the source than the filtration.
Anon
These studies about good air on planes were funded by airlines, so I’d take them with a grain of salt.
Anecdotally, we’re pretty sure my husband got Covid on a plane and he only had his mask off to eat briefly while we were at cruising altitude. The person across the aisle from him seemed visibly sick, and he was much closer to her than he would have been in most other indoor settings. I think the close proximity cancels out good air filtration if someone right next to you is sick, although of course the odds of that happening are much lower than the odds of someone anywhere on the plane being sick.
Anon
Once airborne is the key. The air quality is terrible on the jetway and while the plane is being boarded without the ventilation systems on. I am willing to take my mask off once we’ve reached altitude and the systems are fully going, unless I’m sitting next to somebody who’s hacking up a lung, then all bets are off. But the worst time is boarding the plane and getting off the plane. Definitely mask then.
Anonymous
This exactly. I also mask in other high-risk environments like theaters and doctor’s offices. Now that we have easy access to high-quality masks it seems like a no-brainer. I don’t want RSV or the flu or any of those other viruses any more than I want covid.
Anon
OP here and I respect your choices, but I want to go to the ballet and not mask (during a low-prevalence time). I didn’t mask before COVID and managed to avoid getting sick excessively with good handwashing hygiene and focusing on sleep, which really seemed to help. I’m ok with the risk of getting a cold – that would be worth it for one night of normalcy. I think it’s probably different for people who are truly high-risk versus people who are interested in getting sick less. We’ve had to take this so seriously for so long.
Anon
Talk to your doctor about getting a prescription for paxlovid to just hold onto. I’m also moderate risk because I take immunosuppressants for rheumatoid arthritis. I just make sure I keep tests on hand, I’m masking in situations like boarding a plane and doctors offices. If you want to go to the ballet without a mask, go to the ballet without a mask.
Anonymous
I don’t understand the insistence on not masking in crowded environments just to feel “normal.” And if you are high-risk, is there really such a thing as “just a cold?” I have asthma, which is certainly not the most serious underlying condition, and even for me a cold is almost guaranteed to turn into bronchitis and disrupt my life for days or weeks.
FWIW, I am a singer and we are sometimes asked by management to mask in rehearsal to avoid spreading bugs around that might put performances at risk. If we can sing Verdi in masks for three hours straight, certainly you can manage to wear a mask while sitting in the audience.
Anonymous
I would consider whether it would really be fun to go without a mask. We recently went to the opera and my daughter forgot her mask. Someone in the row behind us was coughing and sniffling constantly, and it totally ruined the enjoyment for both of us because we were just waiting for intermission so we could escape.
Anon
It’s not important that you understand it.
Anon
@11:54 that happened to me at a comedy show. I did have a mask but the person behind me was clearly very sick with something upper respiratory. Like, why did you even come? Coughing, sneezing, blowing her nose the entire time. Fortunately there were a few empty seats at the end of the row, but it really affected my ability to enjoy the show.
Anonymous
I don’t know whether she has covered this topic, but I have found Your Local Epidemiologist to be the best source of information on Covid.
I would hypothesize that lower rates of hospitalization and death result at least from pre-existing immunity via vaccines and infection, plus the availability of Paxlovid.
I don’t know why anyone, least of all a person at high risk for illness, would get on a plane without a high-quality mask now that masking is at least somewhat socially acceptable. Even before the pandemic I used to wish I could mask on planes and in jetways because I caught some terrible bug every single time I flew. Wearing a mask for a few hours is uncomfortable but the cost is so low in comparison with the benefit.
Anon
Because we want to go to Europe and New Zealand from California.
Anonymous
Then do it. Wear a mask in the airport and on the plane. There’s been a slew of information that yes Covid is now less severe than the first variant and you have at least partial vaccine response!
Anon
Where is the slew of information? Can you point to it? I’ve had trouble finding anything reliable.
Anonymous
Like a very basic google search will show this
Anon
Funny, seems like you can’t provide a link and others are saying the opposite. Helpful!
Anecdata
actually my understanding is that it’s hard/impossible for epidemiologists to actually determine whether COVID is actually “theoretically” less serious, for someone who is unvaccinated and had no prior exposure, because practically everyone has some prior immunity due to vaccines and past cases. So they can see that the number of hospitalizations & deaths per circulation level (measured by wastewater) is lower now, but they have to make a lot of assumptions to try to guess how much of that is due to which factor (immunity from vaccines + infections, paxlovid + better knowledge of how to treat, actual reduction in virus severity, slightly healthier population due to high death rates a few years ago among the most vulnerable) – I’d be curious if you have links to solid research saying otherwise
Anon.
Also, hospital reporting might not reflect correctly the cause of death. If someone is hospitalized with stroke, heart attack or respiratory issues, often there are no Covid tests any more, so how would the cause of death be linked to Covid then?
And numbers might not even include post-Covid conditions – we now know that there is an elevated risk for serious cardiovascular events in the weeks and months after a (mostly undetected, since no one tests anymore) Covid infection.
Anonymous
Not personally high risk but my Dad is and we travel to Europe a lot to see family. For Europe, make sure your measles vaccination is up to date. I think that’s your bigger risk.
It’s not that the virus is so much less harmful it’s that now there are (1) treatment options, and (2) hospital capacity. The pandemic became a pandemic because no one had natural immunity and there were not specific treatment options developed.
On masking, we operate on a system similar to what many people in Asian countries did even pre-pandemic which is occasional masking in crowded spaces to reduce risk. So if we are on the subway in Europe we’re probably masking because we don’t want to get sick on holiday. And often mask in airports but not on planes (a plane full of people is a closed space but a fewer number of people) but again some judgment here based on plane flight duration and airport size. More likely to mask on the way to destination because want to reduce risk of being hospitalized far from home on vacation.
Anon
Omicron wasn’t as severe as Delta in terms of acute outcomes, but I don’t think anyone thinks the virus has evolved to become generally harmful (especially since new variants keep coming and there’s no reason it won’t evolve to become more severe; Delta was more severe than Alpha after all).
Better population level stats are attributed to survivor bias (the virus has already taken out a lot of the people most vulnerable to it), poor reporting (all cause mortality is still wildly high for a lot of demographics), and immunity (people have already had it or have been successfully vaccinated against it). I have not been advised that it’s lower risk for me to catch as someone who is high risk and who hasn’t had it before (I’m just one individual who hasn’t had it before, not a population through which it’s already swept over and over).
It’s true that the variants haven’t all been the same. Some variants have had worse upper respiratory symptoms (harder on young children), some have worse lower respiratory symptoms (more risk of pneumonia), and some have had worse cardiovascular complications (unfortunately post-infection cardiac events can happen up to a year after infection and have never been tracked the way acute hospitalizations have been; exacerbations of underlying conditions, especially autoimmune conditions, are also not really tracked, though new onset autoimmunity has been studied).
Since you have a condition that makes the vaccine less effective, you probably qualify for Pemgarda. That may be your best shot at enjoying the level of immunity that other people are taking for granted right now!
If you have a condition that makes vaccines less effective, unfortunately you’re probably going to want to mask on a plane forever (it’s just too crowded and there’s too much shared air, and people on the plane could have anything; these days they could even have measles or TB, but even a bad cold can ruin a trip).
Anon
*generally less harmful (for the unvaccinated / immune naive)
Anon
I should say that the point about the different variants is that the harm isn’t always the same harm. ARDS vs. pulmonary embolism vs. a pre-existing autoimmune condition becoming refractory to treatment vs. bedridden for months are really different outcomes and some of us may be at higher risk for some of them than others. All cause mortality has been high for my age cohort through the Omicron waves, but it doesn’t capture all of the outcomes I’m trying to avoid. I’d rather travel while masked than risk ending up bedridden and unable to enjoy travel, and that’s the kind of outcome that isn’t captured in hospitalization and mortality stats at all.
Anon.
This.
Anon
Evolutionarily it doesn’t make sense for mutations of the virus to kill their host because they won’t spread as efficiently. Best case for the virus is that the host has a low-level infection, feels OK, then walks around and spreads it to a bunch of people.
Anon
That’s true for some viruses! Spanish flu worked that way.
But this virus spreads so much presymptomatically that it doesn’t really matter what happens to the host later on. Evolutionarily, this got us the Delta variant, which was more severe than previous variants.
With Omicron, some of the mortality is cardiac complications that happen weeks or months after the period of contagiousness. That doesn’t impact spread at all.
Anon
Yes, exactly. There are actually lots of viruses with high mortality rates, all that matters is that they can spread before the host gets really sick or to people caring for them, like Ebola.
It’s certainly possible that covid has become less severe in some ways (more likely to target nasal cells and less likely to hit the lungs so hard), but it’s very very hard to separate that from different immune responses and doesn’t mean it’s not still severe in ways that matter to certain people with specific health issues or for the development of long term consequences after mild infections.
Anon
I’m high risk due to a cardio-pulmonary disease (non-lifestyle disease). I’m vaxxed, including getting an additional one recently due to it having been 6 months since my previous one. I have not managed to get Nova vax, unfortunately. My specialist was just reminding me to not let my guard down and become complacent. He says numbers are not down, just basically unreported at this time. My husband and I have been doing ok, but it is really hard. We did decide that we are going to road trip for an event that we would prefer to fly to, because the out and out germiness of flying is just too much to deal with. Overall, it’s still more deadly than the flu, and we really still do not know the long term effects of infection.
Anon
Can you talk about why it’s unfortunate you couldn’t get Nova Vax? Why did you prefer that one?
Anon
In the past Novavax formulations have shown better durability (not that they did head to head trials to compare, but the best durability ever shown for Novavax is better than the best durability ever shown for the other options). So some people try to get it hoping that the protection will wear off less between boosters.
Anon
Please talk to your doctor and if you feel that your doctor isn’t knowledgeable enough about covid specifically, then find a source that is knowledgeable (i.e., not an anonymous message board). Even assuming the best of intentions and pretty good knowledge on this board, we don’t know your personal medical condition and how much more or less careful you have to be. I love this board, but for this sort of specific medical advice, I would not look here.
Anon
I’ve definitely done this and found it frustrating. They’re all so “CYA” and really struggle to answer specific questions. I’m fully aware that not all questions have answers, but it’s rough to hear “well, the CDC says” or “it’s probably best to continue masking at Thanksgiving” as blanket, repeated statements for four years straight. I’m trying to go to the evidence and research myself and striking out in some areas (although I fortunately did find a few peer-reviewed articles from other countries assessing vaccine effectiveness for people with my condition – although small sample size is an issue). I might attempt to get an appointment with a different specialist who seems to have a greater research focus if I can get my insurance to approve it.
Anon
I don’t what your condition is, but the risks honestly haven’t changed much for my rare condition, which is why the answers have stayed the same for four years straight in my case. It doesn’t feel great being left behind by the public at large!
If you don't want to hear about Covid, scroll on by.
I see you, Anon.
Anonymous
I don’t find that doctors tend to be up on the latest research or willing to engage in a thoughtful risk-benefit discussion. For example, when I got Covid I asked my pulmonologist about metformin and he claimed not even to have heard of the research showing that it is associated with a lower risk of long Covid.
Anon
OP here and that’s exactly it.
Anon
I think individual medical advice is different from dispelling myths about viral evolution, but I agree that it’s important to factor in the medical condition. There’s evidence that while Omicron was a lot less severe than Delta, that was less true for people with high risk conditions (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10242243/).
No doctor is knowledgeable about the latest variant arriving on the scene, since it changes too quickly.
Anon
It is okay to get some search terms from an anonymous message board and look them up in a knowledgeable source.
If you don't want to hear about Covid, scroll on by.
I posted yesterday along the same topic, and can I just say one thing?
I am very thankful to read all these well thought out responses here, and grateful to know that there are still people who take this topic seriously, try to stay up to date with research, but most of all acknowledge the issue and how difficult it is for most of us to get information and make decisions in our daily lives, whatever these individual decisions may look like. This doesn’t happen very often in my real life (outside Twitter communities).
Thank you all. <3
Anon
I also appreciate the change in tone from the early days when it seemed like half the board was ready to diagnose everyone who was concerned about COVID with “anxiety” – so common here we should just have an autofill for it.
Anon
I actually left the forum and stayed away for almost three years because of the covid/anxiety discussions. I don’t know who was in the right but I was becoming so anxious myself I couldn’t take it.
Anon
I know two people with long COVID and I’m very glad I’ve been cautious. That’s something you don’t want.
Anon.
The ease with which concerns are dismissed as “anxiety” is something I am also struggling with, in healthcare but also in private life.
Why do people feel like they have to put a label “anxious” on me, and dismiss my concerns about a novel virus with unknown long-term effects, when there is data coming out showing that there might be viral persistence, cumulative damage of serial infections, and multiple organ systems affected, including the brain…? And this is data after only 4 years!
With other viral diseases that have been around much longer, postviral syndromes have been discovered decades later (EBV, HIV, to name just the big ones). What evidence exactly makes people believe it will be different with Covid, other than wishful thinking and throwing their hands up because “we can’t mask forever and we want back to normal”? As someone who worked on SARS1 back in the 2000’s, I’d personally err on the side of caution, especially with my kids!
Honestly I do not care what other people decide for themselves, but labeling me as “anxious” or “controlling” over my kids couldn’t be further from the truth. Ugh, I hate that sometimes I get so angry about this. Let me mask and outdoor dine, FFS.
Anon
I think people who are too anxious to think about it at all end up projecting their anxiety onto the people who are more comfortable with the whole topic. We’ve also just all been through a lot with the institutional head games that seemed designed to set people against each other in cases where the information that made it into the most public PSAs conflicted with the information available elsewhere.
Anon
It’s also challenging because people can’t resist adding in their own thoughts about things the person didn’t ask about. If OP says she wants to not mask on a plane, why are so many responses “I’d mask on the plane?” Just respond to the information people provide or ask about. Everyone is different and has their own reasons for wanting to do different things.
Anon
That’s different than OP saying in conversation with friends “I didn’t mask on the plane” or “I don’t mask on planes.” This is a situation where she’s asking for input.
Anon
“I wouldn’t want that” isn’t input.
Anonymous
People add those thoughts because so many people here post for advice asking “how can I have two things that are mutually incompatible without having to give up one of them?” Like the mom who asked on Cmoms yesterday how she can stop getting sick so often but refused to stop sleeping with her sick kids. You can’t have it all; you have to choose what is less costly and/or more valuable to you. In this case, people are highlighting the high benefit and low cost of masking in certain high-risk situations such as air travel and public transit.
Anon
That isn’t what happened here, though. OP didn’t say “I don’t want to mask on planes AND I don’t want any COVID risk.” Those are mutually incompatible. But if an OP is indicating greater acceptance of risk for an individual benefit, that’s what responses should take into account.
Nesprin
The CDC has a pretty good data browser: https://covid.cdc.gov/covid-data-tracker/#datatracker-home
There’s slightly less of it around but the omicron strains are less dangerous than the delta variants were, there’s better vaccine coverage and antivirals+ other treatments available if you do get sick.
Anon
This seems like the absolute wrong kind of question to ask an anonymous internet message board.
Anonymous
So much this. How many of those posting about their experiences or preferences or just general “thoughts” on what is and isn’t safe for OP have the same medical history, current health status, and age as OP? About zero, I suspect. Let alone the actual right answer, which is the guidance of someone with a medical background who understands the medical history and current health status of OP.
Anon
Well, OP didn’t like the answer she was getting from her medical providers. Often they will advise on risk, but don’t always talk through risk tolerance or risk/reward analysis.
I agree though that anecdata isn’t the best (when even a lot of high risk cohorts have a 80% survival rate, you can conclude that you’ll “probably” be “okay,” as in alive, without thinking through what all that might mean). Still taking precautions is not fun so we kick against the goads sometimes!
Anonymous
I always got sick from travel pre Covid and have been thrilled it has been somewhat socially acceptable to mask, bring hand sanitizer and wipe my airline tray with a sanitizing wipe. It’s dramatically reduced the number of colds, and I still haven’t had Covid. I am planning on sticking with my regime because it has been life changing not to always be sick.
Anon
Seriously. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to lose a day of my trip just hanging around my hotel room being sick after a long flight. I want none of that!
Anon
Has anyone ever practiced boxing, MMA or martial arts in general? How has the training changed you physical and mental condition. Been into MMA/boxing recently and thought I should ask here instead of jump straight into some classes.
emeralds
Not sure if this is the kind of response you’re looking for, but I always have the goal of trying one new physical activity a year and I was going through a pretty rough time in my life, so I decided to try an eight-week intro to krav maga class at a local MMA gym. I’d never done anything like it before and don’t have a lot of natural coordination, so it was an interesting experience! Maybe this is because it was a class for total beginners, but the instructors were a lot more chill and supportive than I was expecting. There were all kinds of people in the class, from frat bros to other same-aged women to a handful of older folks. I’m glad I did it since it was definitely outside my comfort zone, but I didn’t keep it going after the class was done.
I went in already fit and TBH was probably one of the fitter people in the class, so while it was a decent workout it didn’t change my physical condition. Mentally, it was cathartic to beat the sh*t out of a bag once a week (as previously noted I was not having a great time with other life factors), but then I’ve also never struggled with physical aggressiveness when called for on the athletic field so I wouldn’t say it unlocked something new in me. Overall, it was an interesting experience and I’m glad I did it even though I wasn’t “good,” so even though I didn’t stick with it long-term I say…go ahead and jump into those classes! What do you have to lose? If you hate it, you can quit.
emeralds
PS. This isn’t specific to MMA or martial arts or whatever, but I think it’s really good for us higher-octane folks to go do something out of pocket that we may or may not be good at. One of the reasons I have my little “try a new physical activity every year” thing is so that I can remind myself what it feels like to be a beginner who’s struggling to learn a new skill. Keeps me humble and reminds the paranoid anxious perfectionist freak in the back of my head that it’s okay to be quote bad unquote at things.
Anonymous
As a perfectionist I have found that I really enjoy being a beginner at new things. It is freeing not to “have” to be perfect, and the steep part of the learning curve where you are learning rapidly is fun. In contrast, I can’t stand doing things on a recreational basis that I used to be extremely good at because I will never match or exceed my prior level or performance.
Anon
Thanks! May I ask if you have any long term plan? I find it hard to decide on the type of martial arts I want to learn.
emeralds
Spoken with all the expertise of someone who did an eight-week intro course like five years ago lol…if your aim is MMA, I think you can start anywhere. I did krav maga because it was offered at the right time slot at a gym in a convenient location, but that gym also offered Brazilian jiu jitsu, Muay Thai, and judo. Again, you can try something and if you don’t like it, change it up! Don’t let the pressure of picking the “perfect” option get in the way of taking that first step. What gyms are close to your home or office? What do they offer in the time slots you can most reliably go? If you’re not sure what you want to do, start there–it’s a lot easier to stick with something if it works with the rest of your life.
Senior Attorney
Funny story: Some years ago I started a tap dancing class, and I kind of sucked at it. One evening in class I remarked “usually I don’t do a thing unless I’m great at it, so this is unusual for me,” and all the nice ladies in the class were shocked and said “Oh! That’s a terrible attitude! You should keep doing it!” And I chucked and kept dong my mediocre shuffle-ball-changes. A few nights later I was at a womens’ bar association dinner and I recounted that story, and all the women lawyers looked at me and said, “Well, of course. Why on earth would you do something if you’re not great at it?” And I thought “YOU are my people!”
Anyway, I did MMA way back in the 90s, before MMA was even really a thing. I loved it! Believe it or not, I got started when my daugher was taking a kids’ karate class, and I asked the teacher if they had any classes for adults, and he invited me to join the kids’ class, which I did, and one thing led to another and I ended up being a serious martial artist for about 10 years. Loved it and still kind of miss it (although I don’t really miss the part where people are hitting me in the face).
Anon
My best friend did Thai Boxing and really enjoyed it, and she’s a small, shy woman. She said it made her feel more powerful and less stressed and she was in great shape. She was sad to quit when she moved.
My husband did krav maga as self defense after an incident in our city that caused a lot of anxiety. I don’t think the class was a good fit for him in that respect – the instructor was an intense guy and there was a lot of talk of what to do if someone comes at you with a knife, etc and it just exacerbated his anxiety and made him very paranoid. He ended up in therapy but enjoys the regular boxing classes at his gym.
Anon
I’ve been boxing for almost ten years, and it has been transformative. My brain tends towards anxiety, and boxing demands a level of focus that forces anxious thoughts out of my brain, while also giving me an appropriate space to let anger and resentment come to the surface and dissipate. Physically, it’s made me much stronger and fitter, helps me sleep, evens out me perimenopausal symptoms.
An important caveat is to find the right gym. I tried a few that felt like too much of a scene, with lots of testosterone bros raging against who knows what. I love my current gym — it is very LGBTQIA friendly, offers a free program for people with Parkinson’s, has sliding-scale youth classes, etc.
Non non non
Any chance you’re in Chicago?
Anon
Nope, sorry! I’m in Seattle, shout-out to Cappy’s Boxing Gym
Anonymous
I’ve really liked boxing over the years — my latest favorite was Body Combat from Les Mills, which incorporated 4 different kinds of stuff. I just did it like aerobics, although punching is always good for getting aggression out and feeling like a badass!
Anon
I started boxing a couple years ago. I’ve always been fit but it totally re-formed my arms and core muscles. It’s a whole body workout like nothing else, and it feels powerful like no other workout too.
EWF
My Google skills are failing me so I’m throwing this question out into the world to see if any of you have ideas. I work out six days/week, a combination of HIIT and strength, and have been doing these workouts for the past two years. I’m much more consistent now (in the last six months) than I was prior, mostly due to some lingering health issues that were resolved last year. At 43, I’m in the best shape of my life. I do this at a chain gym that’s kind of like crossfit lite.
I can definitely tell a difference in my lower body — I now have a b*tt with a shape to it and my legs look strong, with defined muscles and big quads. I love this! My question is: how can I get defined arm muscles? The legs just sort of appeared. You can tell I have arm muscles when I’m using them, but I would love to see more definition in my day-to-day.
I suspect the answer is a combo of food and workout tweaks. I eat well now, try for high protein and a balanced diet, but am not killing myself to eat in a certain way. I have an autoimmune disease that influences how and what I eat, so I can’t be on a super restrictive diet. Would love any thoughts from those of you with knowledge about this.
Anonymous
I’m hearing that you want defined arm muscles. What does your strength training routine look like for arms? Are you progressively building strength? If not, you’re probably going to want to train arms.
You are talking about diet but not your body fat or weight. Obviously muscle tone will be more visible with less body fat but once you’re reasonably healthy it’s up to you whether losing enough body fat to reveal more muscles is worth it. Obviously a calorie deficit is the key to losing body fat, not say cutting out gluten or other restrictions. Protein helps to build muscle but since you’re progressing nicely with your lower body muscle building goals I imagine you’re eating a sufficient amount. You can look into strength training and hypertrophy training for arms, there is a ton of info out there. However, you might also want to accept that some of us naturally have more visible muscle in some areas. Good luck and congratulations on your journey.
EWF
Thank you! I’m specifically lifting arms/chest/back probably twice a week, but there are additional workouts roughly 2x week that also work my arms (just not as a specific target for the day). I hear you on the body fat piece as well as the part that some of us are just built differently. All good advice.
Blah
+ 1
There’s a reason why figure competitors go through bulk/cut cycles.
Anon
You can probably adjust your workout to target your arms.
Anon
I have managed to get some definition in my arms from yoga alone, around 5 days a week with lots of chaturangas.
Anonymous
I think the only way to get the arm definition is to lose more body fat, but even then at a certain age and/or level of weight loss there will be loose skin that you can’t do anything about.
NYCer
I think some of it is genetic. I have always had visibly toned / defined arms, and the only weight lifting I do involves 2-4 pound hand weights and body weight exercises like push-ups.
Anon
+1 And it’s more than just some of it. A LOT of it is genetic.
Anon
A lot of it is just how you carry your weight. I am a runner, and also do lagree (a type of Pilates that is strength training, full body but a focus on the lower body). Objectively I have more leg muscle than upper body. My arms are cut, my legs not. I carry more weight in my hips and thighs than the rest of my body.
Anonymous
I saw a lot of this look at a chain gym I tried, which might be the same one you attend. The emphasis was on doing a lot of reps with as much weight as possible regardless of form. There was not much instruction at all on form and I got a lot of pushback from the instructor for choosing lighter weights that enabled me to lift with correct form. I did not sign up after the trial period.
If you want visible definition you need to be doing exercises that isolate the muscles you want to define with the correct form. For example, if you are using muscle groups besides your biceps to help you “throw” up a too-heavy weight during curls, you are not activating the biceps muscles that you actually want to strengthen and tone. Body fat and weight distribution can also contribute, but if you aren’t lifting correctly you don’t have much chance of getting the results you want.
toned arms
A few people have mentioned fat loss so that you can actually see the definition, but I’ll add that you need to build defined muscle groups such that you actually have differences to show.
Defined “arms” are also a result of defined shoulders, because there’s a nice rounded portion, and then a smaller portion just below the shoulder, before you see the rounder biceps and triceps.
Pick some exercises that focus specifically on building all the heads of the shoulder (front, sides, and rear) to create the round shape. If you don’t have dominant traps, I also recommend adding in some upright rows to build your traps to create a nice line between the traps and shoulders.
There’s also a genetic component to this… I’ve always had muscular arms, but my calves take forever to grow, and they aren’t nearly as balanced and muscular as my quads, hamstrings, and glutes.
You might need to have a specific bicep/tricep day, back/shoulder day, and chest day. I found that my shoulders, back, and arms easily put on muscle, so I combined them to avoid getting too big, relative to my lower body. You might take a couple of months to focus on building your upper body and see how you progress with that focus, and then you can adjust as needed to maintain the look that you like.
Anonymous
If you were going on a Monte Carlo 5 hour tour that included a casino tour where formal attire is recommended, what would you wear? We will be walking uphill and on uneven pavement. I’m stumped because I want to dress nicely, but also want to be comfortable.
EWF
I feel like this calls for a glitzy jumpsuit. I don’t have specific recs, but that’s the direction I’d go in.
Anonymous
Did the tour say you have to be formal? I’d wear a nap dress and sneakers. You aren’t actually gambling just peeking in the rooms right? Maybe toss flats in my purse.
Anonymous
I won’t be gambling or dining. The tour operator has a note section that states formal attire is recommended to dine and enter the casino. The tour will be during the afternoon, so I’m not sure if that matters attire-wise.
Cat
I’d wear a black dress like this https://www.thereformation.com/products/tagliatelle-linen-dress/1310275.html
would pair with cute sneakers for the tour; bring nice black shoes for the casino.
Anonymous
Thanks, Cat.
anon
recs for high quality prints off your phone?
Anon
I print all my pics from MPix. You can upload via your phone.
anon
For just a few regular size prints, I’ve used Walgreens.
Anon
Need tips on convincing husband to have a vasectomy. We decided recently we are 100% done having kids but he’s freaking out about it and I am sick of using various forms of birth control.
Anonymous
Don’t have sex with him unless he wears a condom until he has it.
Anon
Or this, minus “unless” and everything after it.
Anon
Agree. Your body took the hit for birth control and pregnancy. If he isn’t willing to step up to the plate, he doesn’t get sex.
Anon
Yeah, I just can not fathom being with a man who saw me going through pregnancy and then … didn’t want to do his fair share (my husband did, it was no biggie, he’s very happy he’s done and and sings his praises about it to his friends). So try to find a friend who has had one?
I guess … you could give him this link? https://parentdata.org/whats-the-deal-with-vasectomies/
But yeah, I would just not have sex with him. It’s his turn. It’s just … his turn.
Anon
This. OP, my husband was the most inept condom user ever and it took him far too long to grasp that I meant it when I insisted I wanted NO chance of becoming pregnant. Since I could not use BC due to contraindications and he did not see the big deal about a condom slipping off, I refused PIV until he finally appreciated how serious I was about preventing the possibility of a pregnancy.
Anon
Was he wearing the wrong size? I’m curious about how one is an “inept condom user” since it seems pretty straightforward to me.
Anon
Yep. The facts are widely out there about how safe and easy a vasectomy is compared to everything else. OP’s husband is just being a giant baby and she has better things to do than coddle him through it.
Anon
He shouldn’t need convincing. He should be a willing partner who understands that it’s unfair to continue to expect you to take birth control when there is another alternative that is pretty much harmless for him. Personally, I’d stop all sex until he agrees. He’s not being fair. Also, this is assuming you have had multiple conversations with him to understand why he is reluctant.
Anon
+1
Anon
Whenever I get bored with my current/former boyfriends, I just have sex with FWBs. I just don’t see why I should be loyal to any men in the world. I know this may sounds bad but I don’t really care.
Anonymous
If you’re going to bother to tr0ll at least make it interesting. White shirt reference or something? This is just lazy.
Anon
+1
Anonymous
Is it not common where you are? It’s 100% common in my east coast upper middle class social circle. Like sort of viewed as being a jerk if you don’t after she had your kids.
I just never went back on birth control after our last kid and pointed out that if he didn’t want to use condoms for the next twenty years, he should probably look at getting it done. It’s an incredibly minor procedure.
anon
Not OP, but it’s not common at all in my social circle (wealthy, Atlanta). I think this is super variable.
Anon
Atlanta is in the south. It’s… just not the same.
Anon
I mean, Google suggests that only 4% if men have had the snip. Given that, my experience in ATL is more typical than that of tire commenter above.
Anon
I’m seeing numbers that say closer to 6%.
Regardless, a husband who has kids isn’t the general male population. The question is: how many husbands in stable marriages who are done having kids have vasectomies?
Anonymous
Very interesting! In my PNW circles I think not only have most men in our peer group done it but they are also pretty open about talking about it.
Anonymous
Same here in the Boston burbs. We have a lot of friends with 3-4 kids and all the men have had it done.
Anon
I’m in the SEUS, and it’s common here. I think having friends who have gone first is a huge factor for how comfortable guys feel going ahead with it.
Anonymous
Hmmm. I am in ATL. I don’t socialize in married circles but 5 of 6 of my law partners have had it done. Possibly all, I just don’t know about #6.
Anon
It’s super common in my wealthy Atlanta circle, so maybe it’s hyper local.
Anon
Wealthier families lean towards vasectomy and poorer families lean towards tubal ligations, interestingly.
Anon
This discussion is fascinating. I’m in the Midwest and it seems common here. My BILs have both had it done so my husband just assumed he’d get one when we’re done having kids.
Anon
I’m also in the Midwest and it seems pretty common here. I was on a girls trip a few weeks ago and the majority of women said their husbands had done it; they were all comparing doctors and stuff.
My husband didn’t because we were both fine using condoms and by the time we were 1000% sure we done having kids I was in perimenopause so it didn’t make a whole lots of sense timing-wise (and yes I know you can get pregnant until you are fully through menopause- we still use condoms. It just seemed less “worth it” to have surgery given that my fertility window is rapidly closing.) He definitely would have done it if I’d cared about it, though.
Anonymous
My husband did it willingly, but it was honestly a very easy procedure with a day or two of downtime and it meant I didn’t have to be on birth control and we didn’t have to mess with condoms. Does he know other men who have had one? My husband had two friends who already had it done so I think that helped with any nerves.
anon
If he’s worried about the remote possibility of wanting future children, freezing sperm is way easier and cheaper than freezing eggs.
This is just my soapbox, but vasectomy is way easier and safer than pregnancy. It seems only fair for him to take this small step when you’ve gone through so much and risked so much.
Anon
+ 1. Your body has done enough OP
Anon
Not trolling, but I wonder if he’s considering the remote possibility of a future partner who wants children.
Anon
My mind went there too. But vasectomies are reversible.
Anon
Why is he freaking out? I’d switch to condoms until the vasectomy happens. Still birth control but at least it’s a lower burden on you than some other options. Also, if you haven’t had a frank conversation pointing out the selfishness of this resistance, now is the time.
Anonymous
My husband is not always husband of the year material, but this was a very straightforward conversation. We both agreed we were done. I don’t remember how it came up but his immediate reaction was “oh it’s a no brainer that it should be me not you, can you help me find a couple places to call and get an appointment?” Fwiw he had one of the more uncomfortable recovery periods, and it still wasn’t bad.
I’d tell your husband you are done with birth control, he can use condoms or get snipped or just not have sex. But day it nicely. Just factually.
No Face
Have him talk to other men about it. My husband had a conversation with other men at church about theirs and he relaxed about the whole thing.
Anon
Agree – I think there is a lot of abstract fear that goes away with these conversations. And I would ask him to really consider what it means that he isn’t willing to do this, and putting not only pregnancy but responsibility for birth control on you – and I mean say that to him in a way that actually invites him to consider what he’s doing, not to shame him as that’s not persuasive and the goal here is reflection and changing his mind.
Anonymous
I think a lot of men just buy the propaganda that hormonal BC is not just harmless but actually beneficial for women. Like “but why can’t you just use Mirena? It has no side effects and cannot possibly be making you fat and moody, and it lets you skip your period! Why would you ask me to undergo surgery that would compromise my manhood just so you can stop using something that’s good for you?”
Anon
This probably happens. I think other men have a certain amount of health anxiety or aversion when (a) they don’t have a lot of experience with medicine and healthcare and (b) they’re quite intimidated by what women go through physically. That sounds bad, but it’s kind of like… the woman is going through all this health stuff no matter what, so shouldn’t one member of this team stay healthy? So they develop irrational fears that getting anything medical done is putting them on the “medicalized” track that women are on from the moment they get pregnant, if not the moment they start menstruating.
Anons
What specifically is he freaking out about? Does he have some idea in the back of his mind that if, god forbid, something happened to you and the children he might want children in the future with someone else? Is he terrified that he’s going to become impotent? Is he just kind of an a-hole who’s never had to think about birth control because that’s always been your problem? Knowing what his beef is will help you address it.
How does he respond when you point out to him that you have been using all these various forms of birth control and dealt with the accompanying side effects and difficulties, and it seems unfair that he refuses to take a turn?
anon
Is there a possibility he isn’t fully on board with the decision to have no more kids?
Anon
Some men are just worried their d won’t work anymore.
Anon
Probably the same men who won’t get their dogs neutered. It’s as if they think it reflects on their own manhood.
Seventh Sister
If it was me, I’d just say I was on strike from any sort of intimate activity until he gets the procedure. I’d be real frank about it, real unemotional. Being upset or emotional will make him think this is up for debate.
Annie
It is interesting, my take is very different from the majority here. He do not want to it, his body, his choice. I would not ask it of my husband. Anything can happen, if I and our kids were killed in an accident I would want him to have the possibility of having children again. But we have always been happy using condoms so I never felt contraception was my responsibility to
Anon
You can bank sperm beforehand, and also they’re reversible in most cases.
Senior Attorney
Honestly, although I agree that I would expect my husband to step up and take one for the team, I agree with “his body, his choice.” I wouln’t want my husband pressuring me to have a medical procedure and I wouldn’t pressure him to have one, either. (And although it’s too late for OP, this is something that should be hammered out before marriage and kids and might be a dealbreaker if he refused. And if he’d agreed before marriage, then — yeah. Take all measures necessary to get him to live up to his end of the bargain.)
anon
Laid off anon here. I’ve started job hunting and have seen a few posts where no salary range is listed, but they ask for your preferred salary in the application. I haven’t gone through with a full application to find out if it’s required.
I’m still early in the search, so I’d like to get another role with a better salary. I should just put the salary range that I want, right? If they reject me,then so be it.
Does anyone still do cover letters? I haven’t job searched in over 20 years and I don’t think I did one back then. I’m applying for system/business analyst roles within IT organizations. I’m leaning towards skipping it.
Work Phone
I do cover letters if they are required, or if I’m applying for a role in a different field where the additional explanation is useful.
Anonymous
No cover letter. Good trick: insert a blank page with the job posting in a white font so invisible. Ensures your resume will get through all the screening bots and actually be seen.
Work Phone
Have you tried that? I’ve heard recently that some ATS systems can screen for this, or that it all gets displayed in the system no matter what color font you use.
Anon
+1 This might have worked when those systems were very, very new, but not anymore.
Anon
I would think someone was incompetent and failed to pay attention to details if they included a blank page with their resume. This is bad advice
Vicky Austin
Pretty sure I remember seeing this on a Twitter account called Mallard Life Advice over ten years ago, and I don’t mean that as a compliment.
anonshmanon
Like the poster below, I read cover letters very closely. This would not be a great look.
OP, for salary, I would start with the amount you want PLUS some buffer for negotiation. At least 10%, maybe 20.
Anon
LOL this isn’t going to work.
Anon
A cover letter is an opportunity to differentiate your application. I do t understand why anyone would skip them. When I hire, cover letter applications get primary consideration.
Anon
It really depends on the field.
Anon
Yea most of my friends agree that if the application requires a cover letter, we are not applying. All the important qualifications are included in our resumes and a cover letter is a waste of our time.
Anonymous
You would not get hired in my field, then! Cover letters are very much still a thing and are very helpful in screening candidates.
Anon
+1 Not getting hired in my field, either. Cover letters are not an onerous requirement, I don’t understand why people act like they are. If that’s too much work for you, I don’t want to hire you anyway.
Anon
Agreed. Especially is developing relationships, communication, or selling are related to the job. If you are not going to make an effort to so these things to get the job, why would th hiring manager think you would if hired?
Anonymous
Cover letters are critically important in some fields; e.g., when I am hiring a grant writer, I am very interested in their persuasive writing ability.
Vicky Austin
Genuine question: why not ask for a writing sample in that case?
anonshmanon
Because another part of grant writing is reading the instructions and writing to the requirements. If the job posting asks for a cover letter and none is submitted, that’s a red flag.
Vicky Austin
Obviously. But presumably if you are hiring for and posting the grant writer job, you can remove the requirement for a cover letter in favor of a writing sample. I’m asking why you wouldn’t do that.
Anon
Different poster, but because a cover letter is a standard document and also gives the applicant a chance to explain why they’d be good at the job, which can be especially useful for nonstandard applicants or people switching fields. There are lots of issues with asking for preexisting writing samples (confidentiality, fields where most things are cowritten so it’s hard to judge individual contributions) and asking someone to write something from scratch is a lot more work than just writing a standard document like a cover letter.
Vicky Austin
Thanks, that’s the kind of thing I was trying to understand!
Anonymous
Vicky Austin, I’m the poster at 11:10. I typically ask for writing samples later in the process, and I don’t mind if people anonymize them as much as they feel is necessary. But a cover letter is useful because it requires someone to learn more about the organization I work for and the job posting, and then make a case for why they are a good candidate. I am not looking for a boilerplate cover letter. I agree with anonshmanon too — I’m definitely looking to see if applicants follow directions carefully.
I admit I am also old enough and have worked in a field where cover letters are required long enough that I consider them standard and haven’t questioned their existence that much. If we were desperate for applicants, I suppose I might be more inclined to waive the request for a cover letter, but we’re not. My priority is making my life easier, not the applicant’s, and a cover letter is a very useful screening tool for me. (The job I am hiring for also includes writing lots of letters to donors, including cover letters for proposals).
Vicky Austin
Thanks, Anonymous. I appreciate the perspective.
Anonymous
I used to sit on a lot of hiring committees. Well-written cover letters that demonstrated a understanding of the position, the organization’s mission, and how the candidate’s qualifications would be a good fit were uniformly correlated with candidates who ended up being the best, longest-lasting hires.
Anonymous
Vicky, here is one example of why cover letters are important. I used to work at an org that did research and did not engage in advocacy. We had many applicants who wanted to do advocacy, not research. Whenever someone in management or HR insisted that we interview a candidate whose cover letter talked about how excited they were to be part of our advocacy mission because “well, we should give them a chance anyway” or whatever other nonsense reason, we ended up wasting several people’s time on an interview that went nowhere because it was obvious that the candidate was a poor fit or the candidate withdrew once they found out what the org actually did.
Anon
They legally can’t ask what your prior salary was, at least where I live. That has historically been part of the problem with keeping women’s salaries lower.
I’d do a cover letter.
Anon
Yes, you need a cover letter.
Anon
Best virtual family calendar to use for parents and two teens? We all have iPhones. Bonus if it is easy to print out a month or week at a time. Help!
Anonymous
Google calendar.
Me
We use Google Calendar for our personal calendars and for the family calendar with our teen, a step-parent, and a very involved grandparent. A friend uses Cozi with two tweens although I’m not sure how much the kids use it, if at all; I don’t know anything about it, but her family seems to like it.
Z
The holy grail.
You can have calendars for each person, and toggle them on and off to see everything going on for everybody that week at the same time.
Anon
We use a shared google calendar across our multiple iphones & PCs. It works fine for us, although I have never needed to print.
Anonymous
We use the iCloud calendar. It allows you to flag events as “family” and then they show up on everyone’s individual calendar.
Anon
I inherited an employee who has a tendency IMO to overshare details of their life that are not flattering, eg, admitting that they got fired from a previous job for poor performance, have significant credit card debt as a mid-career professional. On the one hand, I appreciate this person’s authenticity but I think these unnecessary self disclosures may harm how they are viewed by others. What if anything should I say? Overall job performance is good but I want to set them up for success long-term, including promotion opportunities.
Anon
Can you include some professional coaching in your regular check-ins with this employee? If you are newly managing them, you could discuss ways you would like them to improve their professional presence so they can thrive in your organization.
Anon
I feel like there is something very old lady about this cardigan. Maybe it’s the collar? Navy and white stripes are typically timeless but I do not like this (and I am in my 50s).
EWF
Agreed — and I usually love a navy stripe.
Anon
My auntie had this cardigan in 1986. I remember because I thrifted one then realized we had the same cardigan.
Anon
This is nit picky, but to me this sweater is navy with white stripes which looks dated. The truly timeless look is white with navy stripes.
Anon
I don’t know if it is nit picky but I think you nailed it.
Anonymous
Related to the above oversharing question, what is considered ‘oversharing’? I went to a family funeral this weekend and I’ve been cycling back and forth between telling people I had a busy weekend of ‘family stuff’ to just being honest and saying I had a funeral. I find being vague results in follow up questions and I am not a good liar so inventing a fake weekend isn’t something I can do on the spot. TBH my life is generally bland and I really don’t have objections telling colleagues I went to a food festival or Costco or whatever, but I know it makes some people uncomfortable so I’m trying to learn the line.
pink nails
Normal sharing: “This weekend I had a family funeral. It was good to see family although the occasion was sad.”
Oversharing that makes people uncomfortable: “This weekend I had a family funeral for my Aunt Ellen, who I used to spend all my summer with. Oh my god it was so sad watching my cousin sob in the front row. Watching his shoulders shake made me so sad and my mascara was a huge mess because I just could not stop crying and there weren’t enough tissues to go around. It was so hard. Afterwards the luncheon was great and my cousins must have paid so much for the buffet, I don’t know how they afforded it since they don’t make very much money at their jobs but maybe my Aunt Eloise who is Aunt Ellen’s sister paid for it since she has a ton of money that her husband left her when he died, which is a whole other story….”
Me
This is a well done example.
As a side note, if I do go to a funeral for someone to whom I wasn’t close, I usually add that: “This weekend I had a family funeral. My uncle died. He and I were not close. It was good to see family and catch up.”
Vicky Austin
This is what I was trying to get at, but much pithier! A+ example.
Cat
lol this is an awesome example.
Vicky Austin
I don’t think saying you had a funeral is oversharing. I’m imagining the following conversation (which I find perfectly appropriate):
“How was your weekend?”
“Oh, unfortunately we had a funeral. My FIL passed away.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that!”
“Thank you, that’s very kind. It’s never easy, is it? [Pause for them to agree, then change subject].”
Anonymous
This. As a neurodivergent person with a neurodivergent kid it is SO helpful to have scripts for social interactions. Old school etiquette books (Leticia Baldridge has a great one) are lifesavers for this purpose. My early career coworkers may have found me a bit formal but cotillion style manners went over super well in formal corporate environments (I went from white shoe finance to consulting…so about as formal as it gets).
Anon
I don’t find that to be oversharing. I generally think of it as things that make you look bad or that you wouldn’t want to hear from an acquaintance, like talking about your s*x life, your financial problems, getting fired in the past.
Anon
IME, the best way to avoid over sharing is to be very pithy and redirect the conversation. “I was traveling for my uncle’s funeral. Sorry I missed Friday’s meeting; I’m sure you understand. Would you be able to send me a list of action items?”
Anon
Saying you’re going to a funeral is normal human interaction and not at all over sharing
anon
Anyone have thoughts/experience with Jenni Kayne cashmere quality? especially when compared to MM Lafleur Cashmere?
Anon
I love MM LaFleur but I think Jenni Kayne cashmere is a notch above.
Hotels Near Carnegie Hall
Am planning trip in October and need to stay near Carnegie Hall. Anyone have personal experience with any of these? All hovering around the $400 plus range per night:
Carnegie Hotel
Hilton Club the Quin
Hilton Club W 57th
Might spring for the Hyatt Thompson Central, which looks a bit nicer – anyone have any experience there?
Thank you!
NYCer
A family friend stayed at the Hilton Club W 57th a few months ago and said it was totally fine. I also walk by it on my way to work, and it looks ok. Basically next door to Carnegie Hall too.
Anon
I’ve also stayed there for work and it’s nothing fancy but clean and fine for the price and the location. I would stay there again
Anony
I stayed at the Quin recently and liked it. It wasn’t anything extraordinary, but a nice room with good service.
anon
i just stayed at the thompson and don’t think it’s at all worth the price. the gym is horrible.
Anonymous
I have two fancy events this Falla week apart and would like to use the same dress for both.
The first is a black tie wedding, and a week later is a fundraising gala. For the latter, it is dressy, but most don’t wear black tie formal – usually glam but just short of that. Very few full length gowns (been going to this gala for years)
I just purchased the Tie Waist Ombre skirt gown from Nordstrom in the fig color (linked below).
I’m debating getting the dress shortened to a midi, maybe a hi low with a bit more cutaway in the front and a bit longer in back. It has a bit of a petticoat under it so would still flare out. I’m 5’4 and find that length of dress works best on me where floor length can overwhelm.
If I do that, it’s perfect for the gala – but can I still wear for the formal event? (if there were more time in between the two events I’d wear long for the wedding and then short for the gala but they are too close for that option).
Not a frequent formal wedding go-er, so just don’t know what goes. Wedding in NYC if that matters.
Anonymous
https://www.nordstrom.com/s/slny-tie-waist-ombr-skirt-gown/5986333
Lily
Yes, that dress can be appropriate for a black-tie wedding even if shortened. I’d wear fancy shoes, an updo and statement earrings since the top is so plain.
anon
Honest answer, unless you really love it, I’d return it. The cost of the alterations on the skirt to really pull off a good high low plus the skirt, puts you in the range of some pretty nice dresses. Especially when you add in the cost of the sparkly shirt for the wedding.
Anon
I don’t think that dress would look as good shortened. I’d just wear it as is to the gala, or get another dress.
edj3
I’m totally not answering your question (sorry) but I wore the sleeveless version of that to a black tie wedding in February! I love that dress and it’s got pockets.
Senior Attorney
I would wear as-is to both events.
Anon
Can anyone recommend an adults-only all-inclusive resort in Cancun (or close by, accessible from the Cancun airport)? Not a romantic vibe; my friend and I are going and we don’t want to be around kids. Decent food & and no crazy partying are musts. Thanks all!
A.n.o.n.
Le Blanc. it works for couples or girls trip. great service and close to the airport.
Cat
it’s been since pre-Covid but a friend highly recommended the Blue Diamond Riviera Maya.
Anon
Live Aqua! I’ve been to a bunch of all inclusive resorts; that one is my favorite. It’s a very chill vibe but not uber romantic, we saw lots of friend groups.
Anon
Re: yesterday’s volunteer post. I have one of those “we meet every other Tuesday for an hour because we meet every other Tuesday for an hour” meetings today. I think all the comments yesterday have encouraged me to remove it from my calendar today. I saw the “agenda” in my email this morning and it’s a copy paste from every other agenda. No substance.
Senior Attorney
Excellent. Be the change you want to see.
Anon
Does anyone have a travel charger they really like that can handle an iPhone, airpods, and an Apple watch all at once? I want something packable, and there are an overwhelming number of options. I usually stick with Apple or Anker for charging accessories, but those are pricey and I am tempted by the cheaper off-brand versions. Reviews seem either very mixed or suspiciously stacked. Thanks!
Anon
The official device that could charge both a watch and a phone was taken off the market by Apple. Not 100% sure i remember why – I seem to recall it was potentially damaging batteries. So I’d be careful about third party products.
Anon
This is the one. They have new instructions about how to charge the watch. See highlighted area. When I bought my watch the MagSafe was “no longer available”
https://support.apple.com/en-us/111812
Anon
I’d check Wirecutter for something like this.