Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Fine-Knit Top
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
A sleeveless shell is a summer must-have, and this one from Mango is just perfect. The fine-knit fabric looks more luxurious than the price tag would indicate.
If your office is bare-arms-friendly, I would pair this with a midi skirt for a casual Friday look. If you need more coverage, this would look fabulous layered over a white oxford and worn with your favorite trousers.
The top is $45.99 at Mango and comes in sizes XXS-4X.
Going sleeveless at the office is still a know-your-office situation, but much more accepted than previously. As of 2025, some of our favorite sleeveless tops include ones from Anne Klein, Calvin Klein, Amazon seller Milumia, and Vince Camuto — Elie Tahari's silk one is also lovely.
Sales of note for 8/8/25
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your full price purchase, and $99 dresses and jackets — extra 60% off sale also
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 10% off new womenswear styles with code
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off all sale
- Evereve – Sale on sale (thru Sunday)
- J.Crew – 30% off wear-now styles & up to 60% off all sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything and extra 60% off clearance
- M.M.LaFleur – New August drop, and up to 70% off sale – try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off.
- Neiman Marcus – Last call designer sale! Spend $200, get a $50 gift card (up to $2000+ spend with $500 gift card)
- Nordstrom – 9,800+ new women's markdowns
- Rothy's – Ooh: limited edition T-strap flats / Mary Janes
- Spanx – Free shipping on everything
- Talbots – Semi-annual red door sale! 50% off all markdowns + extra 20% off already marked-down items
I’m a 45 yo stable, single, gainfully employed sister to a 42 yo who is on her second unstable marriage, in a lower income job and as of right now, the sole income earner in her family while her husband’s reemployment is up in the air. My sister and her husband have one child together, and this child is my parents only grandchild, and the apple of their eye. I love this child too, and both established and have funded a 529 for this child because I can, and because I want to. My relationship with my sister is so-so, and I can’t stand her husband.
My poor parents – 78 and 80 – who provided us with a stable, middle class upbringing are exhausted by my sister’s antics. Recent developments with her husband have led to her lashing out at my parents, and leaning on them for everything from childcare to stocking her pantry. I am in therapy, actively working to address my codependency and because I’e developed some language around it, my mother recognizes that she is stuck in a codependent cycle with my sister and has been for 30 or so years. There has always been something, and my parents have gone overboard to prop my sister up in an effort to try and solve for the latest crisis of my sister’s making. We all know there is no fixing anything, but it is up to my parents to stick to boundaries they have a hard time imposing.
I know a lot of families have this dynamic and I’m lucky to have a great therapist and friends to talk to. But here’s the rub, and I’d like the ‘rettes to weigh in: recently, as in this week, my mom has disclosed some of what this propping up has entailed from a fiscal standpoint. My sister lashed out at them, and my mom called crying feeling hurt and used, which led to words pouring out of her mouth. They paid for one lavish wedding, along with the second one, and it turns out they’ve contributed towards downpayment on homes, purchased cars, covered insurance…you name it. I could not care less what they fund for my sister’s child – they are a child and access to a good school and extracurricular activities is providing them a foundation their parents could otherwise not afford. But I am actively repressing anger and resentment that I have never, since becoming an adult, asked for or received any monetary subsidy for anything from my parents. I don’t need anything from them, nor do I know how to ask, but this unfairness occasionally eats me alive. Last month, I joined them for a meeting with their lawyer to ensure their trust and estate planning is buttoned up. I am comfortable with what they’ve arranged as a 50/50 split down the middle, and would not ask for more but yet, I still feel the sting of having been the higher-achieving kid that they didn’t “fix” by throwing money at problems or perceived solutions. Advice on how to deal with these feelings? I could raise it with them, but also want to give them the peace they deserve at this phase of their lives.
I totally understand this because of a very similar dynamic in my blended family. My stepbrother isn’t gainfully employed, never has been, and has been subsidized by his mother (my stepmother) and my father for years. He leans into it and never turns down a free meal, car, or expensive suit. I haven’t gotten a dime from them since I was 22, save for one or two meals they’ve treated. I was always made to feel like a burden for needing things like clothes or transportation for school growing up, but they had no problem subsidizing my brother who play-acted the money was his in a variety of snobbish situations. For example, he flew a girlfriend to Sundance with my parents’ credit card and claimed it was his. That’s one of dozens of examples.
The only thing that helped me get over it was realizing I wouldn’t trade lives with him. It’s pathetic and sad he lives that way, and I don’t WANT to be someone who is dependent on aging parents. I realized I can take pride in my independence and what I’ve achieved, and that there is major value in being financially independent. Put it this way – when I see my parents, I usually treat for a meal because I can. My brother has never and will never. That’s sad! The situation is unfair, and also pathetic.
Take pride in what you’re doing for the child. That’s amazing.
This is good advice. While not as extreme as your situation – My mother propped up my sibling a lot. Paid for an expensive wedding, paid off credit card debt, assisted with down payment on a house. I did not get any of these things. I got married at city hall and scrimped and saved to buy a house. I incurred debt from grad school that I paid off all by myself.
FWIW at one point my mother seemed to realize this inequity and started sending me checks here and there (500 bucks here and there). I ended up telling her to stop. At the end of the day I’m proud of my hard work.
This comment is right on.
My situation isn’t nearly as severe as yours, but I am well aware that my siblings have received financial help in adulthood that I have not. It stings sometimes, but I also feel good knowing that I haven’t needed it. But I completely validate that this stuff is hard, even when you logically *know* that your parents love you and are not intentionally favoring a sibling.
+1. Sometimes I feel annoyed that my sibling is rewarded for bad decisions. But I’m glad that I can enforce boundaries with my parents. Unlike my sibling, they can’t control me by threatening to cut off the money. My parents and I are on equal footing. Of course they love both my sibling and me but I know that they respect me more.
Yes but thank goodness you haven’t needed her kind of help. In the long run truly you are better off
this is probably the right and only perspective
It’s hard to let go of. Not the OP but my sister and I are close in age. I didn’t have a car in college. I had to walk a mile to the grocery store and did for years unless I could luck into a ride. She got a car. I had to work for spending money and worked as an RA to pay for my dorm. Not her. She got to study abroad, but not me. My college even had lower tuition. I still don’t get it. These were choices and they are continuing decades later. I’m d never do this with my kids (also close in age).
‘thank goodness’ it’s not divine intervention, it’s OP making responsible choices and being punished for it
Why do you feel entitled to your parents’ money? If they are endangering their ability to fund their own lives as they age and you fear that will fall to you, speak up with your boundaries. If parents have not endangered their future financial wellbeing, what is there to say? “That’s not faaaiiirrr” is hiding “you love her more.” But maybe they were just providing to each according to their needs and as a grandparent, I can attest that it is very difficult not to consider household impacts on an innocent and beloved grandchild.
I don’t think comments from people who have clearly never experienced that dynamic are ever very helpful on these threads. Those who have been there KNOW the layers of frustration and annoyance and unfairness and sadness baked into it and that it’s not a money grab on OP’s part.
It was my comment above and I have very much experienced this. I stand by my comment.
I’m in a very similar situation to OP and this is my feeling exactly. I refuse to spend mental energy on the “unfairness” of the situation. While my sibling has gotten a lot of financial support, their life is really chaotic and I would never, ever want it. I have a solid, stable life. I’ll take my deal any day of the week.
So the other daughter “needed” two lavish weddings on her parents’ dime? Ok.
Exactly.
Also, part of growing up is understating how your poor choices affect people around you. If you date and marry jerks, you are creating headaches for family. If you aren’t responsible, it stresses out people around you.
I’m a firm believer that your family and friends are there to support each other. I view my job as trying to do as much as possible to not cause stress to my loved ones via bad choices.
Tell me you love one of your kids more without saying it.
I said it comes down to feeling unfair and that OP is feeling the differing treatment as a measure of parental love. With the family dynamics a described, it may be that but it may be boundary issues and long established dysfunction. But the inner child wants love.
Right — to give attention only to the needy and then to contribute to a dynamic where the kid never adults kind of wrecks things for the other kid. Don’t make a market for neediness (because when I had a miscarriage, my sister had a baby, so even when I really needed a mom, I didn’t get her). I get it and yet it burns.
I truly truly truly do not think parents do this (as described; this isn’t the case where both kids are struggling but parents lavish money on only one, as some other commenters have brought up) out of “loving one kid more” but rather out of an attempt to give each kid what *that kid* needs and will benefit from, which everyone who’s known more than 2 people will know is not always identical treatment. But it’s that “maybe I’m not as valued” feeling underneath it that can generate that resentment, even when you don’t want it! And our hearts sometimes don’t always do what we tell them to do. I’m sure OP knows she isn’t “entitled” to her parents money, and it’s also very normal to feel some feelings around this.
For me, what would help is leaning in to where your relationship with your parents is uniquely strong. Your parents trust you with meetings-with-lawyers, they clearly trust your judgment & respect your thoughts on “responsible adult” stuff – that’s pretty cool.
I don’t know how your family communicates, but outside of money, would your parents being more expressive about how proud they are of you, how hard they’ve seen you work, how cool it is that you do XYZ fill some of that space in your heart? And is that something you could ask for?
This is really thoughtful advice. I’m not OP but in a similar situation and feel a lot of difficult feelings about it and this is helpful.
I get why it grinds your gears to be told they’re dividing things 50-50. My dad’s mom only had one significant asset, which was her house. She left the house to his sister and divided the pitiful amount of cash 50-50. He didn’t feel entitled to her money (and didn’t need it) but it really p1ssed him off to hear her say she was splitting everything “evenly” because it was so obviously not even.
But ultimately I don’t think there’s really anything you can do. It’s their money and they can do what they want with it.
I don’t think it’s about the money. It’s about the mom coming to OP for emotional support for feeling used while continuing to make the cash gifts that OP herself has never needed and will never get.
This. I’m not the OP, but am in a similar situation. This describes my feelings.
I’ll also point out that the money is a thing that folks often understand, rather than the thousand other ways that (even well-intentioned) parents end up preferring one child over another.
I’ve been talking to my therapist like this. I kind of feel like there’s no good answer. It’s just how the cookie crumbles. Yes she needed more support, but no one needs 2 lavish weddings. That’s a choice. I try not to think about it too much and focus on your nibling.
I feel like we have the same sister but mine has 4 kids and isn’t currently married. My dad was in the dark. The house of cards collapsed when my mom died and my sister started demanding money (like as executor I give it to her when it was my dad’s money or abuse my POA over dad’s money to give her money on demand; money being about 100,000). This is after going through their accounts for taxes and finding that she had already been given that and more when my mom was alive. Again: this came as a very upsetting surprise to dad. I think it’s a comfort that he has one kid who won’t financially abuse him and is a functioning adult (but if I could be a funded adult vs a functioning adult, maybe that could saved me from a very hard climb to get where I am today — law school, loans that I repaid on my own, not being able to stay home with my kids or take an easier job because I wanted to pay off said loans, etc). It doesn’t help that my sister is a jerk to us all.
So no advice but you are not alone and I totally get it. Why do moms ever do this sh*t? It never ends well.
I get this completely. Sometimes it almost feels like emotional punishment for doing well/competence — you get less attention and, by extension, less love. I don’t have a solution (am talking with a therapist about this myself) but I just wanted to let you know that I see you, I understand, and I know this is near-impossible to manage emotionally.
You might need boundaries with your parents (which is one thing I’ve done). I can’t have them come to me with complaints/worries/sadnesses about the decisions they make about their other children.
Parents can love you equally and help the sibling who needs it more. Realize that and take the love angle out of your thinking. And be glad you didn’t need more – it’s never as much as you’d make on your own.
Not the OP but I get “needs”. Not the very extra stuff though. I have a kid on the spectrum and one who isn’t and any differences are due to actual needs (which isn’t two fancy weddings). Shaking my head.
You don’t know in the moment that the other kid won’t have a wedding or that there will be a second one for the first. I’d give some grace to parents who celebrate their kids too.
Obviously I can’t speak for everyone, but I think that in at least some situations a frustrating part for the higher-achieving siblings in dynamics like this is that the reason they don’t “need” as much (or any) support from their parents is because they worked hard and sacrificed a great deal more than the sibling receiving help. Even when our parents knew we were struggling to do, or as a result of doing, the things that would mean we wouldn’t “need” their help, that emotional/financial support wasn’t there. It feels like being left to fend for yourself.
This exactly. I am the high-achieving first-born daughter. I was forced to work out all my own problems (monetary and emotional) with pretty minimal support so my mother could focus on my younger sibling, who had normal struggles (but no special needs). She made excuses for my younger sibling and babied them, and would then turn to me for emotional support about how she felt she was being taken advantage of, all while I struggled to work my way through school while she paid for his.
It’s not about the money – it’s about not being seen or supported. The OP’s parents are lucky she is still willing to be connected and support them. I am not close to either of my parents because the dynamic has continued, and I am tired of being the scapegoat and person to pick up the pieces.
This is what happened to me. I had to fend for myself for my entire life. My sister got all the help because she “deserved” it. Guess which one of us became a functional adult and which one did not?
This. I think that because no matter what, I could always cope, I was just left to cope. The sibling who existed in a state of “I can’t”, “I need”, and “Help me” was absolutely coddled, received 90% of the resources and attention, and was the clear favorite to an extent that people outside the family noticed.
Unfortunately it has turned me into an adult who doesn’t have much use for people who don’t make their best effort at adulting.
Yes, I understand that logically. However, as a kid, teen, young adult, and now adult, it *feels* like there’s unequal love. And that feeling returns because it’s embedded from early on. It doesn’t matter very much that I can recognize things logically when the feelings are bubbling up.
“I can’t have them come to me with complaints/worries/sadnesses about the decisions they make about their other children.”
I think this is a healthy boundary. It took me many years to realize that my mom coming to me with complaints about my siblings was unhealthy. I’m happy to have my own relationship with my parents, but I was being asked to arbitrate their parenting decisions re: my siblings (i.e. tell my mom she was “right” and a “good mom”).
Be very grateful that you don’t need their help. Being the kid who has it together and can stand in her own two feet is priceless.
Unpopular opinion: it hurts when your parents don’t leave children an even share of assets. This isn’t about money.
If all that parents have in the world when they die is some ratty furniture and threadbare clothes, but all of it is bequeathed one even shares to their children, emotionally healthy adults will be okay with that.
Take a $10M estate and give $9.5M to one child and $500k to another child (absent extraordinary reason), and the latter person will be crushed.
It isn’t about being entitled to your parents’ money. It’s about the normal order of things is to leave what you have to your children.
I’m a mom. Everything that I have in life will be given to my son when I pass, because he’s my child. Whether it’s a lot of money or scraps, it’s his.
“You’re not entitled to your parents’ money.” Eye roll. Tell that to the sister who has had lavish weddings and cars and down payments given to her.
I can see this. But I still wish people could figure out a way to keep the family house. Leaving it to siblings who can only share it by selling it seems worse than keeping it in the family, especially when there’s already housing insecurity in the family.
Let me guess: you are either getting a house or giving the house to just one kid and want to justify it this way. No, it’s wrong.
Adding on to my previous comment: “housing insecure” people should not own homes, full stop.
Houses are expensive to maintain. They have property taxes, insurance, roofs that need replacing, yards that need maintaining, and appliances that break.
I’ve gotten to watch my spendthrift only-child mother let the family house go to rot. Literally, rotting back deck, yard that is stripped of all plants and landscaping, damaged roof, appliances that don’t work unless I buy replacements, property taxes endlessly in arrears, etc. She sells family heirloom jewelry to keep the tax man from selling it at auction. It’s only been ten years since she got it, and it’s gone from a lovely house to ghetto.
If no one can afford to buy their siblings out, no one can afford the house.
Amen.
Don’t be obtuse – of course maintenance, insurance and taxes on a home are expensive but it’s cheaper than maintenance, insurance, taxes + mortgage. You can be angry about the way things played out in your family; you can think the unfairness of giving a house to one kid is morally wrong; but don’t pretend “if you can’t afford to buy your siblings out, you can’t afford to take care of the house” makes any kind of mathematical sense.
I was specifically thinking of situations where the house ends up gone even though the kid who ended up taking care of their parents (while passing up career opportunities to do this) maintained the house very faithfully and put money into it.
Don’t be obtuse yourself. If someone is housing insecure before a house, giving them a house is just giving them responsibilities that they can’t afford.
Moreover, if it’s about keeping the house in the family, it should go to the wealthiest sibling! That’s the person who can afford the carrying costs of a second home.
There’s also nothing stopping the kid who gets the house from just selling it.
(In actuality though, it’s stupid to outright give the house to one child and not the others to “keep it in the family.” One sibling can buy out the other siblings if it means that much to them. If it doesn’t mean that much and it doesn’t make logical sense to buy anyone else out, you’re better off with the cash or the proceeds going into trust.)
There is a way to keep the family house – one sibling (who can afford it) buys out the rest. My family had a lake house that we all loved when I was growing up. My parents split their estate equally between their three children. I gave up my share of the rest of the estate and then my husband and I borrowed money to buy out the rest.
I can see leaving an unequal amount to a child or grandchild who really needs it. I have a niece who has severe cerebral palsy. If my in-laws left every penny in a special needs trust for her, nobody in the family would mind. But that is not the result of or enabling irresponsible behavior. (And it would be in a trust so as not to impact her ability to receive government services because the cost of her care will be more than their estate by quite a lot.)
Would you rather be Jessica Biel or Nikki. I’ll take Jessica.
I feel this deep in my bones, no advice just commiseration. All my siblings are non-functional adults who have had parents pay for things, lived at home, free cars etc. I’m the oldest daughter and disabled to boot, I moved out at 17 and have been financially independent ever since. Even at holidays my siblings will lament that it’s not ‘fair’ I have a nicer house than them, like MFer I bought my own house I didn’t have mom and dad pay for it.
I think a lot of families, including my own, have similar dynamics. I have a sibling who financially relies on my parents. My parents are more than generous with me and if I needed anything they would certainly help so there is no jealousy there. My concern is who will support my sibling when my parent are no longer able to support them. That is my greatest worry because I certainly don’t have an extra $20K to give them.
Just wait. You won’t be able as executor to sell the parental home fast enough or they may move in but think you should pay the property taxes. The nonsense never ends.
I saw this so many times when I was a probate attorney. I used to think I’d have my mom sign a transfer on death deed to him so I would not have to own property with my brothers, but now I worry that would impact their Medicaid eligibility. Having a difficult child of my own now I’m understanding my mother’s choices more.
Lots of children are only ‘difficult’ because they’ve been enabled through favoritism
do you have children? i’m sure favoritism happens, but also guilt, autism, depression, other ND, childhood disease, trauma… My 8 year old isn’t difficult because she’s the “favorite”.
My grandmother was going to split everything 50/50 between my mom and her sister. My mom’s sister had already been living at my grandmother’s house. She had her own house, but it needed some major repairs.
My mom asked her mother to leave the house entirely to her sister so that my mom was not in the position of having to either pay the property taxes or kick her sister out of the family home. It took a couple of years, but her sister eventually sold their parents’ house and used some of the proceeds to make the repairs on her own.
Just wait. You won’t be able as executor to sell the parental home fast enough or they may move in but think you should pay the property taxes. The nonsense never ends. V
Just wait. You won’t be able as executor to sell the parental home fast enough or they may move in but think you should pay the property taxes. The nonsense attempts never end.
I feel this so hard. Will I be at peace with a homeless brother? I do have the cash to support him, but cannot stand being around him. Do not want him around my children etc.
This is my most selfish reason for wanting a really strong public safety net.
right? this is the same brother who hasn’t worked in years and is very MAGA…
This may or may not be accurate in your case, but my slightly different take on the situation is that parents pay for weddings because they want a big party where they are part of the main cast. It’s excitement and fun, and while it might be for their daughter it’s not exactly unfulfilling for them. And by extension, parents don’t like to see their grown kids struggle unnecessarily because it can create a lot of self doubt about parenting choices even though that may be unjustified. People are complex and I don’t think parents are selfless martyrs or, alternatively, the hero/heroine in these scenarios.
OTOH, it leaves you with one kid who doesn’t want you to go into assisted living because it means less money for them. It doesn’t age well or end well.
Family dynamics are so complex, and it helps to remember that each of us only understands our own perspective. I’m sure the story is different depending on who is telling it.
What strikes me in your narrative is that it seems that you want to get over your feelings of resentment without actually talking to anyone about them. You don’t want to burden your parents. You don’t seem like you want to mention it to your therapist. But maybe getting your feelings out in the open are the only way to deal with them. This may not resonate with you, but as women, we have always been told that we shouldn’t have “bad” feelings, like anger or resentment. When we feel those things, we judge ourselves for it and try to bury the feelings, which just makes us feel worse and separates us from the people we love who are triggering the emotions.
Talk to your parents. Talk to your sister, even. Maybe by understanding what they feel about the situation will help you feel less resentful because you will better understand why they are doing these things. And maybe speaking out about being hurt by your unequal treatment will help you feel heard and understood.
Wishing you strength and peace.
OP here and while I was so leery about posting this heaviness on a Friday morning, all of the feedback and perspectives are helping me clear my head a little. It is nice to know I’m not alone, and that there are many ways for me to choose how I want to proceed and protect my own peace too. These feelings that have bubbled up are definitely on the list of topics to discuss with my therapist next week. I want to make sense of them, and decide if the feelings are something I should share with my family and if so, how. Much love to everyone who weighed-in today – I appreciate you.
I had a very similar sibling dynamic. Sibling required much more energy and attention from a young age so I learned early on how to be the good, quiet kid to not add to my parents’ stress. As adults, I have always been gainfully employed and paid my own way for everything. Sibling was subsidized partially or completely by our parents until they passed away and due to some mental health issues, sibling was also very unpleasant to be around a lot of the time. They’re not a bad person, they just struggle in ways I don’t. My parents were kindhearted people who were frankly over their heads dealing with sibling so paying for things just seemed the easier way to deal.
My parents were pretty upfront about the financial support they gave my sibling (also it was super obvious when sibling was living with them without a job), and they expressed to me several times that they felt bad about it and saw the unfairness, so a little different than your situation.
They split their modest estate equally between us upon passing and tbh I was fine with that. For me, it came down to being grateful that I didn’t need their help. I was never one to ask for it, like you, and I don’t think it’s fair for me to hold that against them. If I ever had asked for help I’m sure they would have tried. I also have a lot of compassion for them and my sibling. They did not see the golden years/retirement they wanted due to dealing with sibling, and yes that is on them for how they handled the situation, but it was upsetting nonetheless. And sibling really struggled too. Relying on their parents to pay their bills in their 30s wasn’t how they envisioned a great life either.
damn, I could have written a lot of this. Thanks for this.
My husband and I are both the responsible siblings in families like this. It’s truly annoying, because neither set of parents ever acknowledged the dynamic.
Same and I feel that once my MIL goes it will be grief with a very large side of ongoing chaos and dysfunction with a crumbling house and two SILs who will refuse to empty it out or list it and yet won’t pay the taxes or insurance.
I have no advice, just commiseration. My parents died and left their home to us 2 siblings. Due to knowledge of history and sexism, I am grateful for the 50-50 split, considering that so many times the oldest son gets everything. But he is bad at math and is attracted to fast easy money, so he has been scammed multiple times. I kept asking our parents to make him pay a utility bill that was for collective benefit, not fun, like a cable, cell phone, or internet bill, to develop a sense of responsibility to family, but they never did. He keeps taking $ out of our joint account for household bills, and I finally asked why he kept taking money out for personal reasons. He finally shared that he has been struggling for a decade (artist with a PT day job). I couldn’t figure out if he was being selfish or broke, and this has made me reconsider my long term plans, despite being single, living in a HCOL city, etc.
Why do you have a joint account with him?
It seems like a lot of the comments are saying you should feel grateful, but sometimes it’s really not that easy. Obviously OP is glad she has built a life of her own and doesn’t need help. That doesn’t change the layers of feelings that this kind of situation dredges up.
My father and brother were estranged. When my father died, he left my brother $100 and everything else to me and a cousin. I gave my brother half my share because I thought it was about the money. Turns out, it wasn’t about the money at all. It was about a lifetime of dysfunction and hurt feelings. He doesn’t talk to me anymore even though I tried to make it as “fair” as I could. I hate it, but I understand it’s not really about me.
All that to say that I sense here that OP is hurting over a lot beyond how her parents are spending their money. At the end of the day, my experience is that the only way to get through it is to feel my feelings and acknowledge them and then set some boundaries. Not listening to your mom complain about giving your sister money is a good one.
Yes but gratefulness is the antidote to a life of resentment. OP won, she’s able to live independently and free from parental dependence. She can resent her sister but she made choices to end up in a better place. Part of growing up is accepting the consequences of your decisions and being grateful for the life you’ve made for yourself. What does it serve to sit in resentment for the rest of her time with her aging parents.
I think this point about setting boundaries around being mom’s emotional support for dealing with the sister is a good one. I’ve tried to do it and it has been fairly effective. Sometimes I struggle to be consistent in drawing the boundary because there is something satisfying about feeling like I won. Ultimately this impulse isn’t good for me though. I struggle the most with these feelings when my mom leans on me for emotional support about the impact of supporting my sister.
+1 to not letting mom complain about the sister to the OP.
OP here and YES, I must reinforce this. I’ve tried. I have to stick to it. Yes, there is a moment of oh wow, Mom sees it too…but then I’m just left feeling sad and confused and, prior to working so hard on my codependency, like I had to become Ms. Fix-it too.
I’ve experienced a similar, though less extreme, situation. My husband has a sibling who may never be fully independent, and my in-laws continue to support him. It helps that neither of our siblings is unpleasant. They are both loving and kind, even if not always responsible. My sibling eventually became independent and is doing great.
I used to feel more resentment, but after losing a parent and seeing friends and family who have to support parents or siblings, my perspective has shifted. Now I am grateful I do not have to support my parents financially, and that my in-laws can help my brother-in-law and could help us in an emergency if needed.
From the probate litigation side of this, here’s my advice. My aunt felt similarly about my mother and maybe she was entitled to those feelings. But she chose to deal with them by committing probate fraud — changing beneficiary info to what she felt she “deserved” and then gave those assets to strangers in her estate.
Speaking as the grandchild in this scenario who eventually out earned and was more successful than the sibling in your scenario, my advice to her when we were all at similar ages was the problem with playing this game is that you can be beat. You believe yourself to be the golden child now but what happens when that changes? Do you feel you will deserve whatever “punishment” you feel your sibling deserves now? These are questions she should have worked out in therapy because that anger probably ended her life early. You will never get fair from someone else’s balance sheet but also, you are not entitled to any financial support from your parents either.
I should also add that in our situation the eldest child was not perfect. They were a narcissist and compulsive liar with addiction issues. They just felt they were the perfect one because their issues didn’t happen to cost their parents money. You can cause harm in other ways than purely financial.
I don’t have anything coherent to say, other commiseration as the child that was always “ok” and “fine” and didn’t need anything, money or otherwise. It’s not the money, it’s about how they never help out or assume you don’t need help, money or otherwise.
Sometimes the best way for me to deal with my feelings about family conflicts/drama is to do stuff that has absolutely nothing to do with my family. If I can go and do something I really, really enjoy for an afternoon or (better yet) a full day, I find myself ruminating less about the situation, especially if there is nothing I can do about it.
I’m in a similar situation. I would think about sharing with your parents how this feels for you. You can be a kind and loving daughter and accept their choices and still share in the spirit of love, caring, and the close relationship it sounds like you have. You don’t have to do this in a critical or offensive way, and your parents are adults who have made their own choices. It’s valid for them to know that this is hard for you too.
On how to deal: you focus on your own race and realize that you’re much better off not needing your parents’ financial support. You take people as you find them. You appreciate the relationship you have with your parents and try for a better one with your sister. Pull resentment out of the mix because you got a better hand in life.
I was disfavored and actively held back as a kid and grew up to be a functional independent adult. My sister crashed and burned at adulting and had my mom move in with her family to raise her kids while she lies in bed all day and her husband works. I deal with it by ignoring my sister, living my own life, savoring the fact that I get to watch my own kid grow up successfully, and trying to make the rare visits we get with my mother into true breaks for her.
The dynamic during my childhood was almost entirely of my father’s making. My mother has acknowledged the favoritism once or twice, and knowing that she understood what was going on and didn’t approve of it helps a lot.
My dad has subsidized my half sister and half brother’s living expenses through their early and mid 30s, to the tune of $5,000- $10,000/month each. My dad is 80 and unfortunately in poor health. My sister has a good job, but lives like a trust fund kid (trips, clothes, fun), and my brother has difficulty holding a job and lives with my dad. I don’t have any resentment on unequal treatment, but my dad has about 3 years left of money at this rate. I cannot subsidize either of them and I’m worried about what happens once he dies. Where I’m resentful is that neither of them has learned to live within their own means and eventually it will be my problem when my sister declares bankruptcy or my brother is out on the street. My dad thought he was doing this out of love and protection for them, but it has enabled them to have no concept of money.
Ugh. I’m so sorry.
Empathy. My sister’s 1st marriage ( and 3 kids ) was heavily subsidized for 20+yrs by my mom. Sis is on marriage #2 and there still a level of financing involved. My support ended after HS graduation.
Same dynamic, with parents who need a LOT of the kind of familial support that takes time and energy. Guess who is doing 100% of it. If you guessed “not the kid who has spent and adult lifetime taking financial handouts” you are correct! In my case I’ve just had to learn to accept my resentment and try not to let it affect me too much.
The chickens will come home to roost when the parents are gone and we are at retirement age. I will be able to retire, sibling will not be able to retire. I take no delight in the fact that that will be the case for them, but I do recognize that it means that in the long run things have been, are, and will be much better for me and my independence.
Self-sufficiency is its own reward.
How many hairstyles do you know how to do, and do you do on a regular basis?
For me:
– Usually my hair is just down.
– Ponytail. New variation – ponytail with a banana clip. I really like this because my hair is back but it doesn’t look severe.
– Braid – usually just for the gym of sleeping.
– Half-braid, what someone once called the Legolas. I used to do that more because I liked how it kept my hair out of my face but not too much, but banana clip may have replaced it.
That’s it. I’ve tried other hairstyles, like a French twist, but never really got the hang of it. I also don’t like hairstyles where my hair is fully pulled back because its pretty fine so it looks flat.
this is way more than i have! good for you! mine is mostly down or loosely pulled back (work, errands) or tight pony (GYM) that’s it for me.
Ha! I was thinking the same thing. I have down, half up (with a little clip), and gym / running ponytail.
I have tried and failed many a time to do twists, buns, etc. Lots of slippery and fine hair = anything else falls out. I did manage an updo for my wedding (done by a professional with 100+ bobby pins) but that’s clearly outside of my skillset!
Yeah I was thinking of the up do I had for prom. It had so much hairspray that when I took out the bobby pins the hair did not move. So clearly not a regular thing.
Regular life: down (air-dryed), ponytail, half bun, down and blown out (rarely)
Special occasions: curling iron curls
Bun most of the time, sometimes ponytail or half-up/half down. I hate hair in my face. I’m very lazy about my hair so that’s it.
Down. Down and blow-dried. Down and slept-on.
Ponytail. Gym ponytail. Terrible bun when it gets too long.
French braid that makes me look like a sister wife.
And fin.
I would rock all of the sister wife hair. Which is also how Elaine from Seinfeld did her hair. Volume in the front; braid in the back (or long). I just rewatched Big Love and it was Team Nikki all the way.
The big one you’re missing from this list is the messy bun. I wear it low with a part (a la Meghan Markle) to dress it up, or a high topknot for a sportier look.
Also French braid in addition to regular braid.
I do a bunch but not well due to fine hair and never enough spray. I can do the hair of others though.
Many more. Get a lot of bobby pins and elastics in varying sizes and get on Pinterest or you tube for styling tricks. There are so many ways to style long hair. I’d be so bored with the few you mention.
Where do you wear other styles? I feel like anything more than the styles mentioned feels like a lot for regular life.
Every day?
I mean, I’m kind of bored so that’s why I posted this. My hair is very fine like Anonymous @ 9:12 so that limits what looks good and what I like. I’m going to try the meghan markle bun for sure.
Meghan’s hair is very thick so not sure I’d look to her for style inspo if you have fine hair.
Seriously. I went to England once and got where all of my hair struggles come from. Humidity. Fine hair. How do we get good hair?!
Oh that’s a good point. Yeah a lot of these hairstyles on Pinterest etc don’t work on me because my hair is too fine. I think any bun is not going to look good with my hair. Good deep dive though, I think buying some small clear hair ties would help.
So humidity actually makes things better for me because it makes my hair curlier/thicker.
I have fine hair and no bangs (my hair splits in the middle and I’ve done ponytails and half-up with a “topsy tail” twist. Make a ponytail, and then split your hair just above the elastic and feel the ponytail through. It makes a nice kind of roll on the sides and softens the look from the front.
You can also use this approach to make a sort of Gibson roll – start feeding the ponytail through, and then sort of roll it so the two side rolls come together. Clip with a small claw clip and anchor with bobby pins. I’ve successfully done this when my hair was right around shoulder length.
The extent of “doing” my hair would be blowing it out with a blow dryer brush (I can’t do it the traditional way) or straightening it. I do this decently often in the winter and never in the summer.
My hair usually starts the day down, but I always end up putting it up for at least part of the day (it’s currently in a ponytail). Some days my hair stays put, some days I put it up and take it down 20 times. Putting it up would be a ponytail, bun, half pony tail or with a clip. I don’t really consider these styles though. Sometimes I do a higher bun or pony, sometimes a low bun or pony. I prefer lower pony or bun for cardio days and a higher bun if I’m lifting. If my hair is “long” I dont like it in a pony for cardio or sports.
My favorite “hair style” is a half pony tail with a clip, but that requires me to have the right size clip handy.
The closest I get to styling it would be blowing it out and pinning just a little back with Bobby pins. I usually do this for weddings.
I can also braid (regular, French, dutch, and could probably still do a fishtail), but I do that rarely. Braids tend to fall out of my hair.
My hair is usually between shoulder and collarbone length. It’s fine and thick, some wave to it. My mom had short hair her whole life and it’s always been super thin, so she could never teach me how to do hair.
This has been useful. One thing I forgot about is that half up works well – but with a bobby pin, not a claw clip because my hair is so fine.
People who have fine hair – how do you make a nice looking bun? Do you? That’s what I can’t seem to make happen ever.
I never have. Hot mess all the way.
+1 – I have a pixie now partly because it was too much effort to make my thin, wavy-frizzy hair look okay. I think if it was long now I’d try heatless curls or even rollers for some lift.
Once when I was a bridesmaid the hairstylist basically did large heatless curls and it did look great. I showed that to another hairstylist later on and he said “oh 90s curls” and replicated it, so I guess that’s what that is.
I had to get a pixie because my fine, thick, wavy-but-not-wavy-enough hair just would not do anything when it was longer. I would blow it out every morning and within five minutes the slightest hint of humidity would render it a limp, stringy mess.
Spin pins and then a lot of extra bobby pins to hold in the fly-aways. And some styling product
This is where tutorials come in handy. One trick is wrapping your hair around a scrunchie for some volume (the scrunchie doesn’t show and looks more natural than a donut). There’s a ton of tricks out there.
A nice-looking bun depends on a certain amount of hair volume to fill it out. If you have fine hair, and not a lot of it, then you’re trying to make your hair do something it doesn’t naturally want to do, and you’ll have to work a lot harder to make it look good in that kind of style.
This is why (for centuries) women have used all kinds of hair pieces, “donuts,” cloth padding, etc. to fill out their fine hair and make their hairstyle look right (according to whatever the style was in their era).
Here are mine:
– Down (mostly naturally wavy, occasionally straight)
– ponytail (gym)
– low bun
– twist with a banana clip
– french twist with a pin (if i need/want to wear it up from the start of the day)
I have curly hair that I don’t really like so every in-office day I blow dry and curl it. On work from home days it is usually either in a clip or in a bun. I do a ponytail for the gym or when doing outside activities like hiking or swimming but then I usually have a baseball hat on too. I occasionally do my hair curly and sometimes just leave it down or sometimes pin the front back with bobby pins. When I am camping, I usually do two french braids. I learned lots of fun hairstyles when my girls were young, but they are teenagers now and have outgrown side-pony tail french braids, etc.
I’m not great at doing hairstyles, so it’s usually just down or in a ponytail. I can do a sloppy french braid or fishtail braid on someone else’s hair, but not my own.
Funny enough, my husband has long hair, and he always wants fancy braids (he’s always so jealous of the old-school warriors in movies that have intricate hairstyles). He learned the french braid and the english braid, so I ask him to braid my hair for our athletic activities.
He gets so excited when someone offers to do some sort of complicated braid for him, since I can’t provide fancy enough braids lol.
I have down, half up/half down, ponytail, bun, with bun being the most common as a low-effort option. I have very long hair as well- down to my waist
Hair: lots of long, fine wavy hair (2B), no cut bangs.
Airdryed and wavy, airdryed and enhanced curls, brushed out with hairdryer, blow-out. Side part, mid part, half side part.
Pony, high pony, pony bun.
High bun, low bun, French braid with bun, clip bun, messy bun.
Half updo, bang updo, half side braids, twisted side braids.
French braid/s, inverted French braid/s, milkmaid braids, grandma braid,
Straighteing iron curls, braid curls, curly girl curls.
French bun, donut bun, headband with side pins – and bicycle helmet hair.
Airdryed with enhanced cirls is my favourite.
i am in the process of interview for a job at my current job. It’s not a straightline promotion but would be more money. All relevant stakeholders know that I’m interviewing and I have their support. Second interview is a zoom. Can i do this from my office during work time? my home internet isn’t as strong, my kids are home this week… easier to do it at work with my door closed. additionally do i need to “dock myself” the time? my inclination is no, i take a call or run an errand at work all the time but this may feel a little more formal… thanks
I’ve done this. It felt weird but if you have your own office and you know its sound proofed and lockable go for it. I considered it my “lunch break” and tried to not to take any other breaks that day.
This makes total sense to me. They know you work there already, right? It’s not like they expect you to take PTO while interviewing for this other role, or clock out and clock back in for the zoom, do they?
Yes, especially if it’s the same company. If it wasn’t I’d just change the background.
For an internal role, absolutely fine. I would never do this for an external role.
I agree with this.
Why not just use a blurred or fake background?
Different poster here, but I would be hesitant doing this in my office if I wanted to keep my search quiet. Closed doors are usually respected but not always, and I’m not confident my walls are that soundproof.
I think it’s different if it’s an internal role; and it even sounds like your boss is already aware. TBH, I wouldn’t even feel like I needed to take fewer other breaks/make up the time for an internal role interview – I would think of it kind of like participating in a corporate mentoring program, or training. It benefits you and your career; but it also ultimately benefits the company (bc they want to retain you! and part of that is supporting your career growth!)
Recommendations for a doctor or clinic in the Atlanta area for laser eye surgery? I am a little overwhelmed searching on my own and evaluating them. Thank you!
FWIW, I’d ask your regular eye doctor. Mine all went to the best in my city and I’d trust their recommendation over a strangers. I’m not in ATL or I’d share mine.
I was very happy with the Emory Eye Clinic: https://www.emoryhealthcare.org/centers-programs/eye-center/treatments/lasik
I used Eye Consultants of Atlanta, which is my regular eye doctor’s practice. Their laser surgery clinic is called “Piedmont Better Vision.” I have been very pleased with the results.
Covid kept our BigLaw office mostly remote for a long time and RTO is anemic. We went from biz-casual to casual in that window. The older men (50+) who come in are still in collared shirts, sport coats, loafers, and slacks; for younger men, it’s a polo or quarter zip and slacks and an executive sneaker — basically golf-watching attire. For women — I’ve seen midriffs and so many ruffle puffs and things that are ball-skirt-adjacent. I have lost my compass on how to dress completely (I know this because I was in a college town recently and tried on a bunch of clothes thinking I could wear them to work and then reconsidered because they are sold in a town to be work by teens and college girls and even though they were really cute, I probably shouldn’t wear to work). The problem is that I no longer know what I should wear to a casual BigLaw office (and yet fall clothes are coming into stores, so now should be an ideal time to look around). For a good business-casual wardrobe capsule for 2025, what should I be looking for? I have a conference in about a month and want to look sharp but not try-hard. SEUS financial services.
I would recommend checking out lifewithjazz on Instragram. She has some great office appropriate polished business causal outfits.
Your comment made me feel nostalgic, and a bit old, because *this* was the place to come to find out how to dress for work 15 years ago!
When I want to look sharp, I need good grooming, good shoes, a good bag, and good outerwear (if I’m wearing it). I rely on strong neutrals that look good on me. Tone-on-tone makes me feel good, as do neutral combinations that I really enjoy (like black, taupe, and ivory). I also need good fabrics in good condition. And my clothes need to have structure of some kind and fit well (nothing limp, drooping, or sagging).
I recognize that NONE of that is about the specific items you should or shouldn’t buy, and that list is personal to my preferences and may not work for anyone else. But for me personally, if I hit those notes, I feel good, even if wearing really casual items. Identifying a list like that before I start shopping helps give me a benchmark for saying yes/no to a particular item.
What’s your version of what I just wrote — what are the elements that need to be in place in an outfit that make you feel good about how you’re presenting yourself in work setting?
This is good advice. Like I’ve finally realized that anything with a ruffle or a puff is just not for me at all, whether it’s dressy, casual or somewhere in between.
Never wear stuff like that for work.
I am in-house counsel in SEUS. Our office is casual and is similar to what you are describing. We are hybrid in office but have regularly meetings with the business where I feel like I need to look like a lawyer even if everyone else is wearing golf attire. I am mid-30s fwiw. Things that have worked for me are pieces that can dress up or down with shoes/jacket.
My current work wardrobe is: MM LaFleur Maaza Dress, linen shirt dresses from J Crew, Madewell, BR Factory.
For cooler/transitional weather, it’s an oversized blazer (Ann Taylor) + shell + jeans + loafers, or a short sleeve sweater + wide leg crop pants + mules. I honestly struggle with winter, which here is rainy and gross and we have less client meetings, so I typically just do a cashmere (or other tailored sweater) and jeans and either loafers or boots depending on temp.
It’s still the same for when you need to look nice. Get some suits in basic colors for “on” days. For casual, wear jeans and whatever blouses you like, maybe a blazer. I like shirt dresses too. Shoes have turned into flats for the most part. You don’t have to look sloppy just because some people do.
Not Big Law, but in SEUS. I wouldn’t wear most of what you’re describing casually, so my in office days just tend to be cropped JCF pants with a linen top, a sweater shell, or a short sleeve sweater. I really like linen pants and linen shirt dresses, so those are alternatives. If I was going even more casual, I’d probably wear a cropped wide leg jean.
I also am in leggings or shorts almost every other work day so I don’t need many in office options.
Assuming you are only lacking in casual clothes, I would add to the closet: dark jeans with a proper hem (not unfinished), midi skirt made out of a substantial fabric, a couple good leather belts, a few solid cotton button downs (think Frank + Eileen), a few crew neck cashmere sweaters, leather ballet flats. I’ve also had a lot of good traction with the double layered t-shirts from the river store as filler. Think updated Ralph Lauren catalogue from the 1990s.
Recommendations for stores for an interview outfit I can panic buy at the mall this weekend? I have an unexpected interview early next week, and I’m 6 months post partum so nothing I own fits. I will only wear it once or twice even if I get the job, so I want to keep it to $150-$200. I’m thinking Ann Taylor, where else?
I’d overnight JCrew a size up from normal or buy a couple of sizes.
It’s been a few years since I needed a suit for these reasons, but I found a forgettable navy one at Macy’s. Macy’s (at that time) had a decent sized selection of inexpensive suits. Ive machine washed it several times (turns out I wore it more than I thought I would) and lay flat to dry. it seems indestructible.
good luck shopping and interviewing!
Calvin Klein suiting separates at Macy’s.
this is where I ended up about a month ago. If you can, get a rush job on tailoring, too.
Macy’s or Talbots
I bought a black sheath dress and blazer from TJ Maxx so it’s worth checking there.
Anne Klein dress suit at Macy’s
I have a lot of luck with H&M blazers !
J Crew has nice options that should be on sale as they transition to fall. People hate on it, but I would check Talbots too. Banana Republic might be outside your budget but worth checking. My mall department stores have not had great options in store for interview basics. It tended to be more church or event options.
for that budget, macy’s or shockingly jc penney are the few stores by me that actually carry budget suiting in store still.
I bought this suit in charcoal for a similar need and it’s surprisingly good for the price.
https://www.jcpenney.com/p/liz-claiborne-kate-womens-classic-fit-blazer/ppr5008150365?pTmplType=regular&geoZip=10001
I’ve noticed that I have a harder time getting a gas pump to pump on “auto” mode, and wondering if this is a me problem or not. You know how you can set the pump handle to run automatically by clicking it into place and then when it fills the tank it de-latches itself? I am constantly running into pumps where if I squeeze the handle enough to get it latched it will pump fine at first but then auto shut off after about two seconds, when the tank is clearly not full yet. So instead I have to manually squeeze the handle at very low pressure for the whole ten minutes it takes to fill the tank, which I’d rather not do if I could avoid it. Am I doing something wrong? Am I just very unlucky? Is my car’s gas tank just weirdly tilted, like my uterus?
In some states it’s illegal to not hold the pump the whole time, so the latch doesn’t work. Also, make sure you’re pushing the pump as far into your car as possible (I used to have the same problem with a certain car and realized this was the issue).
LOL to your last line.
Nope! It’s new nozzles. They are designed to require a tighter fit to reduce vapour evaporation. When you let go of the handle, the pump probably slips almost imperceptibly, and that’s what causes the auto-off. Try inserting at a higher angle, more tightly.
Omg this happens to me all the time and idk why!!
Fascinating Will try this.
Thank you for spelling this out, because I’ve noticed this lately in a car that I’ve owned for five years. Drives me insane!
It could be your car. I once had a car that would do this, and I basically toughed it out and re-latched it several times when I would pump gas until I got a different car. I was in my twenties and broke, so I never had it looked at by a mechanic. It might be worthwhile to do a Google search on this issue with the make and model of your car to see if it’s a common problem.
This happens to me at specific gas stations (which I’ve learned to avoid). One station will be fine but the station two miles down the road will refuse to let me auto-pump. I know people who experience it at the same stations as me so I don’t think it’s a car-specific problem.
Same here. There are a few stations that I avoid altogether, and at some of my normal stations there are specific pumps that always do this. I drive a few very different vehicles (one is a small hybrid sedan, an ancient domestic pickup, a foreign SUV), and the pattern is consistent no matter the vehicle.
A gas station attendant explained it to me once. It’s something about the sensor that tells the gas to shut off getting splashed with fuel inside there. Just pull the nozzle back out so that just the first third is in (lolz), and then it should auto pump.
I grew up in NJ where it’s still illegal to pump your own gas. Now I’m in NY where almost all (if not all) gas pumps are prohibited from auto pumping. Fascinating how regional this small thing is!
In my little Long Island township it’s illegal to pump your own gas. So yeah, hyper regional!
Help me shop. As a short-waisted pear with a belly, the high rise trouser wide leg jeans look terrible on me. I think I need a mid-rise to pull off the look but can’t find that! Any recs?
I think a lot of Banana Republic Factory jeans are mid rise, or thereabouts. Quality is fine for the price, and they seem to have a bunch that are 95+% cotton (I do not like my jeans to feel like pajamas or have a bunch of polyester in them).
I just did a quick google search for mid-rise wide-leg jeans, and lots of brands and retailers popped up—if you do that, you’ll find a really good starting place with lots of options.
I’d recommend getting out a measuring tape and measuring the rise of a pair of jeans that fits the way you like to help narrow down what you’re looking for. Not all retailers give measurements, but some do. (You can’t assume that all retailers have the same measurement in mind when they label something high- or mid-rise).
Where have you looked? Because every clothing retailer I frequent has mid-rise options available.
I have your shape, and you are absolutely right that we need mid rise. That being said, I have given up on finding any jeans that fight my figure without tailoring. And the last time I spent $$$ on tailoring and expensive pair of jeans my body refused to stay the same size. So I pass on jeans now.
I think that the style pant you are looking for is already not very flattering for our shape unless in a more flow-y fabric, which denim certainly is not.
I’m a lawyer with 15 years of experience in a federal government setting. My practice area is labor/employment, and I’d like to leave the federal government and go in-house in the private sector. I think a lot of my knowledge and experience would translate, but I know the relevant laws and procedures are different, so I’m taking steps to learn more about them while I’m job-searching. Most of my connections are in government, so my network isn’t all that useful. Do people ever get these jobs via cold applications? Has anyone made this leap or seen it done? How do people pull it off?
be open-minded to JD optional positions in HR departments.
Much harder cold applying, network. I’ve hired this profile but only on the recommendation of people I trust.
I made a similar jump but not in labor or employment (fed attorney in a niche specialty). It was very, very difficult and took more than a year of networking, cold LinkedIn emails, and hundreds of applications. Now that I’m in house it will probably be easier for me to find another in house job but the market is much tougher than when I was searching four years ago.
I’m a former fed attorney who recently left to go in house, but that’s what I was doing before I joined the government. I have seen some of our outside counsel hiring former fed attorneys for L&E as of counsel. It might be easier to go in house from a firm than from the government. Good luck!
Defendant in a jury trial. I have work clothes but they are not quite “conservative courtroom” professional. Is this a reasonable outfit plan?
One pant, two blazers, two shirts:
The outfit this model is wearing. Plus the matching gray blazer to the pants. The white ruffle collar cotton blouse to wear with the gray getup.
https://www.brooksbrothers.com/wool-two-button-blazer/WJ00414.html?dwvar_WJ00414_Color=NVY1&
Thanks!
Are you the defendant’s attorney or the actual defendant? If the latter, ask your attorney. Sometimes suiting up gives the wrong message.
This. Your attorney will know the local custom on this better than we will.
If you’re the lawyer, you need to wear a real suit that matches each day of trial. (Can be different each day)
It depends on the type of case and the theory of the defense. Absolutely discuss imaging with your lawyer.
Echoing everyone else, but that outfit is a woman cos-playing a man. Grey slacks with a navy sportcoat is a total man color combo and the clothes themselves are also fairly manly cut.
I really need to Do The Thing today. I don’t want to. It won’t even take that long but ugh. Anyone else needing to Do The Thing today?
Solidarity!! But it’s more like doing 10 things. So much backlog that I’ve been paralyzed, but each Thing won’t even be very hard!! Let’s do it!
Ugh, mammogram this afternoon. I’m claustrophobic and my boobs are always tender since going through peri, so I’m not looking forward to it. But yay me for getting it done. And whatever your thing is, I know you’ve got it!
I had my first one yesterday! Good for you getting it done.
I also had my first one recently and I was surprised by how painless and fast it was.
Same, it didn’t really hurt me (and I stupidly did it on the day before my period started when my breasts are always sore). I was expecting it to be a lot worse, for sure.
I was kind of amused they marked me as a “late child haver” for having my first baby after 30. I had her at 31 and was literally the first of all my college and grad school friends to have a baby.
I have tender boobs too and I had a mammogram tech recommend taking 3 advil one hour before the procedure and it’s been a game changer for me. I no longer dread them now that I employ this strategy.
I did The Thing yesterday. I believe in you!
I’ve been watching a series on Tik Tok called “How Long Does It Actually Take?” Where a woman does a thing she’s been procrastinating and times herself. Sometimes she helps a friend with such a task. These have been great for my motivation to just do the thing, even if it’s not perfect.
I love this idea!!
+1000
Yes! Thank you for being a Do the Thing internet partner. Update when you do the thing so we can celebrate it.
thank you for the kick in the pants – I needed to get the paperwork together for our street parking permit, stop dithering about a pair of shoes I ordered (return now packaged for the UPS store), and get out the sewing kit to fix an opening seam on my fave reusable tote. DONE on my WFH lunch break!
I’d like to stop eating meat but I’m intimidated by making such a big change. I think cooking my way through a really fantastic vegetarian cookbook would help. Any vegetarian cookbook recommendations? I know there are lots of online resources, but a “Julie & Julia” experience seems like something I’d get into.
Also, has anyone done this?
Here are a few of my favorite ‘all purpose’ cook books: Isa does it, I can cook vegan, vegan comfort classics, hot for food all day, the edgy veg, anything you can cook I can cook vegan, any of Sam Turnbull’s books, veganomicon, thug kitchen
(I can’t say I have taken your approach though, I just yolo’d it when I was 13 and stubborn).
My favorite cookbook these days is Hetty Lui McKinnon’s Tenderheart, though I think I like her recipes on NYT Cooking even more than the ones in the book (I know you said you didn’t want an online thing, but you’d probably do better cooking through their top rated vegetarian recipes than any cookbook I can think of). I also like Big Vegan Flavor by Nisha Vora and the America’s Test Kitchen Plant Based Cookbook.
Oh, and like the commenter above, I also went vegetarian all at once when I was 13, so I’ve never really cooked meat. But I’ve been leaning more vegan over time, so I can relate a little bit. If it’s intimidating to make a big change, it still makes a difference to just eat less, so you can just keep cutting back gradually as you get better at making meals without meat. There are so many other wonderful things to eat! I also second the rec for Veganomicon and Isa’s other cookbooks.
Thanks for the advice. I am planning to do vegetarian M-F, then relax a little on weekends to make it easier to be with non-vegetarian friends and family. I’m actually excited to get started!
Cookie and Kate’s “Love Real Food.” Delicious and the ingredients she uses are quite accessible.
I’ve been a vegetarian for over 25 years and have some advice you didn’t ask for. :)
You’re right on track to cook a lot of vegetarian food. In order to stop eating meat, you have to make more changes than “same food but without the meat.” Your palate changes and you need to find different sources of protein.
The advice I’ve heard and love is: you can be vegetarian, so long as you eat everything else. (I don’t mean that too literally.) For protein-rich foods, try Greek yogurt, tofu, tempeh, nut butters, nuts, beans, eggs, cheese, chickpeas, lentils, fake meat products, you name it.
Not a cookbook, but how about the vegetarian section of Budget Bytes?https://www.budgetbytes.com/category/recipes/vegetarian/
I’m primarily vegetarian and I love this site. I do lots of beans and lentils. Fiber is necessary for my gut to function happily and I’m not sure I could even achieve sufficient fiber if I ate meat more than as a minor ingredient.
We haven’t gone vegetarian but have started eating more vegetarian meals. It’s been surprisingly easy and I don’t know why we didn’t do it sooner. But it’s mostly quick and easy stuff vs entirely new recipes — frozen falafel to add to salads, frozen veggie burgers, frozen fake ground hamburger/breakfast sausages, and a refrigerated chorizo sausage made from beans are all new staples in our house. Canned refried beans and black beans for burritos and nachos. And avocado and olive oil on everything for some good fat. Also tofu in stove-top dishes.
I’m sure we could make even healthier choices but this is just to say that swapping out a few ingredients can also do the trick. It hasn’t felt like more work to prepare.
It’s tricky, as eating like that gets you a lot of processed food. But as we often talk about on this site – choose your battles.
Not this poster, but most of these things aren’t actually ultraprocessed foods. Fake meat is, but canned beans and tofu are minimally processed, and there are plenty of frozen veggie burgers and falafel and that are just made of ingredients I have in my kitchen, so processed, not ultraprocessed.
I love vegrecipesofindia website (just google that string and it’ll take you right there). If you have an Indian market in or near your town, the spices are easy to come by and generally inexpensive
I second the Cookie & Kate “Eat Real Good” recommendation. I’ve had the cookbook for years and still regularly use it.
Thanks to everyone for the replies! I’m excited to get started.
Jenny Rosenstrach has two “weekday vegetarian” cookbooks that are designed for people trying to reduce their meat consumption/make this change. I’ve been a vegetarian forever but love her recipes because they’re relatively straightforward and typically don’t involve a million ingredients, which can sometimes be the case for vegetarian recipes. They’re also well designed to be “cooked through” in my opinion.
Thanks! I’ll check these out.
Seconding the Weekday Vegetarian recommendation. I am in no way a vegetarian but love this cookbook.
Re. your second question, at one point I had my family eating mostly vegetarian just by cooking lots of delicious vegetarian meals. We ate chicken and fish each about once a week and the rest of the dinners and all lunches were vegetarian. It was quite easy because it wasn’t giving anything up; it was just substituting something tastier most of the time. My family didn’t really even notice. Now that’s all gone out the window because my husband is doing keto, but it was nice while it lasted.
I like Cookie and Kate for salads and breakfast, but for substantial dinner food I usually get the best recipes from the pasta or veggie section of omnivore cookbooks and recipe sites.
Recs for a thank-you gift for a professional connection? I have a friend in my industry who made an introduction that has been great for my company. I would like to send her a thank you from my company. Unfortunately referral fees and cash gifts are not allowed. Thoughts?
Take her out for a coffee/drink?
Food basket? Like the kind everyone sends at Christmas? Or a box of super nice chocolates?
Bit of a broad question, but how do you think about your career once you’ve hit the ceiling of responsibility you want? I’m 35 and have always looked at my career on a 3-5 year career trajectory. I’ve recently been promoted to director and looking above me- I have no desire to move up further. I value my time with my family and the additional money wouldn’t really improve our lives. How do I think about career development that isn’t linear?
In my early 40s, and can validate that it can be hard when the path is no longer obvious. A few ideas that have been suggested to me:
– finding a special interest project that helps you continue sharpening your skills
– mentoring
– figuring out how to be a person of influence within the boundaries of your position
You’re too junior to make that call. You’re not even in your peak earning years and it’s so much easier to find balance the higher you go. Having a real say makes a big difference as does not actually doing the lower level work.
Director is a higher level role at many orgs. It’s a huge responsibility in my org and highly compensated. There are places though where it’s not, like at banks full of 22 year old “vice presidents.”
I’m saying don’t stop there at 35. Pause and deal with little kids but don’t rule out advancement when you’re at the beginning of your career. If OP is already D level, keep going. Maybe not today but don’t rule it out.
Most people don’t want to be a CEO, which is totally valid.
At my organization, director is not at all junior. It is the level immediately below c-suite, and senior directors don’t usually have a further trajectory unless their c-suite is retiring.
The position yourself for an eventual c-suite role.
C-suite life is dope. I enjoy the responsibility and having such a big say, and more the most part I have a lot more flexibility than I did when I was more junior. More pressure/responsibility for sure, but I have all the tools and power to manage that, vs when I was junior it felt much more imposed upon me
Sorry, I wasn’t the OP. Just providing another example showing that Director is not a junior-level role.
Also c-suite and completely agree with 2:01. The worst years were director level.
Maybe think about life development with career as a part of it? So think about what you want for the next 5-10 years generally. You want time with your family; is there anything else? Then think about how your career fits into that bigger picture. For many people, that has to do with money (which means continual moving up). But it might mean staying where you are for a bit. Or finding things outside of work.
And any of those things are GREAT. You do NOT have to think about your career in a traditional way, and that doesn’t make you unambitious or whatever charges people lobby at others.
This is one of the biggest mindset shifts I’ve had to make: thinking of my career as part of my overall life trajectory, rather than this “thing” that stands alone.
The answer may be to lateral to a smaller company where you can get higher ranking roles with different types of responsibility. At my company, the next promotion would involve a significant amount of travel and would shift to more management of people. Most people in my role either lateral to another role in the company where they can become an SME or lateral to another company where they can keep moving up (become SME in more areas) but not travel as much.
I’m a few years older than you and have come to the same conclusion. I went from a big job to a medium job last year (huge pay cut, but now I have regular hours and still do fairly interesting work). I look at my manager and have no interest in his job and the responsibilities that come with it, and no interest in going back to a big job.
Part of my mindset now is that my crazy hard work over the past decade plus has let me get this current position and not have to worry about money as much. And instead of looking at my career in isolation, I look more at my life generally- what do I want the next 5 years to look like? For me, it’s focusing on my husband and soon to be baby coming early next year, and having a job that lets me prioritize those things.
Looking for things to do and other recs in Chicago this coming weekend. Staying at the Waldorf and will have time for myself starting Monday until Wednesday afternoon. I have enjoyed museums and architecture tours and generally enjoy being in Chicago. What are some things I should not miss while there, food and other recs. Will also be celebrating DH’s milestone birthday. Anything we should do as a couple that will be memorable. TIA.
I love the Waldorf! DH & I celebrated our 40th birthdays there a couple months ago and it was divine. I got a massage at the spa there and it was good but not earth-shattering. What do you like in terms of food? Chicago has almost literally everything. In terms of fine dining, we ate at Sepia and Indienne on that trip and loved both. Afternoon tea is really fun if you like that. A few places do it, the Langham is my favorite. In terms of theater, the Parade tour is in town currently and I’ve heard that show is amazing.
Parade is good but pretty depressing, so be warned.
Download the divvy app, rent ebikes and ride up the lake shore bike trail! Morning is my favorite time of day on the lake and you’d beat most of the heat. The bike ride north should be 40-90 minutes depending on pace.
Hop up towards Evanston. Northwestern has a free art museum and some nice gardens.
Licoln park zoo and gardens are free and worth the visit.
Andersonville has tons of cute antique, clothing and botique shops on Clark st, the swedish american museum and more. Historic edgewater neighborhood and ravenswood are shady, very walkable and have charming architecture.
Theres tons of small neighborhood and independent theaters in Chicago, beyond the theaters downtown.
Jazz clubs and lounges – The Green Mill is the classic spot I think
Broadway Antiques Market in Andersonville is awesome for prowling around and looking at all the things. I think it’s in the neighborhood, there’s a restaurant called Lady Gregory that is low key and good.
Down by the river, I went to Torchio’s Pasta Bar last spring and it was so good. Also low key but fantastic pasta and drinks.
A fun spot.
other great options in the neighborhood: Regalia is an italian spot, Beard and Belly for a good bar resturant (enter through Honeypie cafe next door, dont forget to ask for the pie menu), Lobos or Sefra for pizza, Taste of Heaven or Kopi cafe for cozier breakfast and brunch (I’d skip kanela and m henry),
Argyle in uptown for vietnamese and thai food.
You can really do a big loop through Edgewater, Andersonville and Uptown in a day, walking or even taking short hops on the bus or El.
oh and
Malt Row in Ravenswood for a self guided brewery tour! Malt row has a page on the ravenswood chamber of commerce site I believe with a guide.
Eat at Frontera Grill or Topolobampo. Don’t miss the Art Institute.
Ravenswood resident here and I agree with all these recs! The Ravenswood/Edgewater/Andersonville/Lincoln Square area could easily fill a day. Here are some of my neighborhood favorites:
Hazel: cute lifestyle/home decor/gift-y items shop
Side Practice is a Filipino cafe with a heavy emphasis on the arts and supporting local creatives. It’s my neighborhood spot and I’m obsessed with it!
Andersonville is the best for brunching, antiquing, and coffee. Walk on Clark from Winnemac north. In Andersonville:
Hopleaf is the classic Belgian beer spot (get the mussels and frites!).
The Understudy is a theater lover’s bookstore and cafe that is also beautiful inside — I love spending time there!
Kopi, a Traveler’s Cafe: vegetarian food and coffee, feels like a ’90s cafe (it actually might have been open since the ’90s, ha! like not at ALL third-wave coffee vibes, much more about travel and backpacking and global influences).
Five Elements Home: incredible home and art pieces sourced directly from Japan.
Scout: The best repurposed vintage
Andersonville Antiques — so many possible finds, this place is great
Lonesome Rose — bougie Tex-Mex, great queso and margs
Loba: giant patio, pizzas, beer
Cowboys and Astronauts is a must-go for men’s stuff and general quirky home decor/art
FOLK for home goods, art, books
Women and Children First for books and feminist/progressive lit events
m.henry is the best brunch, hands down. But you will wait a long time if you show up after 9 AM.
And so much more! Have fun!
OP here. Thank you all. I will try most of the spots mentioned here. I am a bit overwhelmed with the recs right now! :)
My interior designer is also a family friend. Said designer’s background is in decorative painting – they spent years in NYC with the big museums, then came back home.
Designer has just unveiled a first mock-up of a mural they’re doing for us. Husband and I both looked at it and had the same thought – it’s lovely, but it doesn’t evoke any emotional response. Like none. But so lovely on a technical level! We want to love this massive piece of art that we’ll see every day for the rest of our lives, and it’s just…nice…in its current form. What do I say? Criticizing an artist’s art is very personal!
I presume you’d seen this person’s other murals before you commissioned one for your home? If so, do you have an emotional response to the person’s other artwork, and if so, does your response to those pieces give you ways to talk with the decorator about this one?
Or, if this isn’t a mural you commissioned, but an idea the decorator came up with and wants to incorporate, then I’d just go with “doesn’t work for us.” Unless you really really want a mural from this person.
I wonder if they used AI.
If they are doing art on commission, they want you to be happy with the result.
I agree with the other poster to start with looking at their previous work to see what you like, but also what art evokes emotion in you? Are there examples you can show them? Is it color or subject or style? All of the above? Maybe also narrow down the emotion you’re trying to evoke? Any of that feedback would probably be beneficial to them.
+1. You need to tell them. And it will be more helpful to the artist provide guidance about what you would like to change, rather than a blanket “this doesn’t evoke emotion.”
If this is making you realize you don’t want a mural, it is also fine to just say that this doesn’t work for us, and we are going to go in a different direction.
+2 – if they take commissions, they’re used to feedback too
Does anyone have recommendations for an anniversary dinner in San Diego? My husband and I are celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary soon and would like to splurge on a fancy dinner one night. We like all types of food but would like something different than what we can get at home. We live in the southwest so have lots of good mexican/taco places here. I don’t eat a ton of meat but my husband loves meat so maybe some place that does good with either types of dishes. Thank you!
Do you have a preference for where in San Diego? It is a big place! My current favorite is Wolf in the Woods but that is vaguely southeast so might be too much of what you can get at home. Maybe look at Herb & Wood or Born & Raised (eat on the roof top) downtown, Cucina Urbana in Hillcrest (no steak but their meatballs and burgers are to die for and you can go for a walk in Balboa Park after), Seara in Coronado (at the Del which is a bonus; although I personally think it is overpriced the food is undeniably good). Island Prime is a bit touristy but the views are good and I hav never had a bad meal there.
I hear good things about Fort Oak but have not been there.
If you let me know where you are staying, I can give it some more thought.
I need a new hair dryer brush. I have an old Revlon one and I do love it but I think it is too hot for my hair and damaging it. Plus it is probably from the first generation of these things so I would think there are a lot of better models now. What does everyone recommend? I don’t mind the cost of upgrading from the Revlon one.
So I love my Shark dryer but I would NOT recommend it to you. I have only tried the brush attachment once (usually I use the diffuser) and I stopped only a few seconds in. Even on the coolest setting it was legitimately burning my hair, and that was with a heavy dose of heat protectant.
Huh, I use the brush attachment on my shark and find it a million times less damaging than the revlon one I replaced with it.
Same here – I went from the Revlon to the Shark FlexStyle and I definitely think the Shark is less damaging for my hair. It is loud AF though and I always wear my noise cancellation airpods while using, and I don’t even think I’m THAT sensitive to noise.
The woman who cuts my hair claims that all of the hair dryer brushes harm hair due to the high heat. For whatever that statement is worth…
I just upgraded from the Shark flex style to the Shark FlexFusion and I love it. I’m not sure what the new technology is but it gives me much smoother results than the flex style. I don’t really use the curling attachments (and don’t notice a difference between them and the flex style curling attachments) but the dryer itself, the round brush (which has a wet and dry option), and the frizz fighter finishing tool are all amazing. I actually bought it for the wet-to-dry straightening attachment but haven’t used it much yet because the round brush is so awesome and gives me such a good blowout.
I have the one from DryBar and like it a lot.
Help me understand. I don’t answer numbers I don’t recognize unless I am expecting a call and the area code seems to align. I also don’t get a huge number of scam calls generally. This scenario, though, happens several times a year and I am trying to figure out if people are just weird or if there is an actual scam attempt that I’m not seeing.
Today, I was expecting a call from a small brick & mortar shop in the next town over to confirm my online order was shipped. I don’t have their number in my contacts. I got a call that I thought was them (googling after the fact, it was definitely not). However, I answered with “Hello” and got no response for a few moments, then the guy on the other end said “Why did you pick up? This is my line.” I was confused and replied “You called me.” He then asked if this was [a number similar to mine but several digits wrong]. I told him no and hung up, then blocked his number. Is this just a rude guy who doesn’t get how phones work? Or is there some attempt at a scam, beyond someone just trying to see if my number is active and responsive?
Or somebody was just confused. This is a nothingburger.
That has never happened to me, but yeh, it sounds scammy.
sounds scammy if it’s happening multiple times a year, as you say. Best not to say anything to avoid giving a voice impression (but especially not your name or ‘yes’ or ‘agree’ etc – no is probably not very useful to them!)
FWIW, I’ve never had that happen. The fact that it happens to you several times a year points to something fishy going on. I don’t know what.
Sounds like someone was robocalling you using their autodial systems. Just some random organization/trolling scammer/telemarketer and maybe they just got startled when they hadn’t realized a call had connected. Maybe they thought you were a co-worker that had gotten on their line. Many of these organizations have dozens/hundreds of folks working at once, sometimes sharing lines.
Yes, one of my first jobs as a teenager was – telemarketing. Selling magazines. Brutal. I quit as soon as I found another job. What a life experience.
You haven’t gotten a call before where you get no immediate response after saying Hello? Usually after a few seconds that is an audible click/change in the sound or something, and then a real person or a recorded/digital response begins talking.
Yeah, I’ve definitely gotten the pause, click, connect types of calls. These are different. Usually a rude GenX guy who doesn’t seem to have a sales pitch, but rather is disgruntled that I dared answered “his” line. I don’t think it’s the same person (might have been a woman previously), and it doesn’t seem recorded or scripted, just weird.
Doesn’t sound like there is an obvious, known scam, but the idea that it’s some sort of accidental connection to a call center line seems to fit the vibe.
I have a Saturday night fundraising gala that I’m attending as a staff member. I’d say semi-formal is the dress code although my colleague running the event included only told me that verbally and put the following on the invite “Great Gatsby Theme Attire Optional.” What would you wear? And generally when dressing for fancy work events, are you more conservative with your outfit than if you were attending as a guest? I’m debating if I can wear a dress that is one shouldered, for example, if otherwise an appropriate cocktail dress.
Mildly more conservative, but I’ve still worn a backless gown dress to a work event. Focus on stiffer fabrics and architectural constructure, over anything slinky. Key component is that everything is secured with no wardrobe mishaps. No one really cares if they can see a shoulder.
I have attended 3 galas as a staffer, and my outfits fit the theme but were somewhat subdued. For example, one was a 60s theme and I wore a plain blue A-line dress with a crinoline underneath.
One shoulder is not what I would consider in the realm of ‘too risque for colleagues to see’ – more like picking a dress that isn’t skin tight, no major cleavage, etc.
I hate theme galas but have had to attend them as a staffer. So, they want people to wear flapper dresses. I would err on the side of anything sparkly if you’re buying new. But I’ve also just used a black dress and focused on the accessories to match the theme.
I don’t think showing a shoulder is too revealing since I’ve also worn like a sweetheart neckline as a staffer. I would not do anything with a deep v, high slit, short skirt, etc as staff.