Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Elbow-Sleeve Top
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
If you’re in the market for some late-in-the-season work t-shirts, this one from Banana Republic Factory is a real winner.
The fabric is substantial and has just enough stretch to be flattering. I bought a few of them and have found them to be perfect for layering under blazers and sweaters for the office. The bright wine color would be a beautiful summer-to-fall transition piece.
The shirts are $12.50-$19.97 at Banana Republic Factory and come in sizes XS-XXL. It also comes in four other colors.
Looking for the best work-appropriate T-shirts? As of 2025, some of our favorite dressy T-shirts for work are from Everlane, J.Crew, Amazon Essentials, Theory, Banana Republic, and Banana Republic Factory — also check our posts on opaque white tees and the best plus-size tees for work!
Sales of note for 8/21/25:
- Ann Taylor – $20 sale types (select styles), 25% off tops and sweaters, and extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 10% off new womenswear styles with code
- Dermstore – 20% off the Anniversary Edit
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off all sale
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off late summer styles, plus extra 50% off all sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything and extra 15% off $100+
- M.M.LaFleur – Up to 70% off new markdowns – try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off.
- Neiman Marcus – Last call designer sale! Spend $200, get a $50 gift card (up to $2000+ spend with $500 gift card)
- Nordstrom – 9,800+ new women's markdowns
- Rothy's – Ooh: limited edition T-strap flats / Mary Janes
- Spanx – End of summer sale
- Talbots – 25% off your regular price purchase, also, end-of-season clearance
- Tuckernuck – Sample sale, prices up to 70% off! (Including lots of this bestselling work dress marked to under $75)
For *reasons* I need to buy a pair of flats to wear under a long dress for a wedding I’m attending this fall. (I would normally wear a heel of some sort.) What is the current toe shape I should be looking at – pointed, square, or something else? I haven’t bought dressy flats for a long while.
Squarish round with a high vamp.
I would do a metallic. Something like these:
https://www.dolcevita.com/products/reyes-flats-silver-distressed-leather
https://schutz-shoes.com/products/arissa-metallic-leather-flat-o99-heel-height-flat-s2071000500049
agreed with this take, not because of trends – I would otherwise prefer a pointed toe, but pointed toe flats extend the foot more than pointed toe heels do, which makes me feel clumsy when dancing!
I agree that this is the trend, but the combination of flats, a high vamp and a squared off toe would have me looking like a short-legged, chunky pony. So many negatives in one trend, so a pass for me.
I feel that flats can easily become frumpy, but it’s for a variety of reasons. I prefer a pointy toe and a hard sole but if it’s rainy, that would be really slippery. Maybe some of the sparkly mesh Mary Jane’s if they will be under a skirt?
I’ve been wearing metallic Sam Edelman Michaela flats under long dresses for events lately.
I would look at the M Gemi Una flats! Got a pair and loooove them. They’re so comfy and come in a bunch of colors, the shape feels very on trend
These are cute and trendy, but are any of them dressy enough for a floor length dress? Even the metallics look casual, and I don’t see satin or sparkles.
Pointed. But as someone who is 6’0, super curious about the *reasons*! Wear those heels, girl.
I was guessing either an injury or a bridesmaid’s dress that didn’t come in an adequate length?
DSW is where I would shop for a one off dressy flat. They always have a bunch to choose from.
I wore these flats with a dress to a wedding recently and they were very comfortable. I don’t know that they’re “trendy” but I hate square toe shoes on me so these were a neutral enough option where I didn’t feel out of date. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0DRF7Y17J/ref=ox_sc_saved_image_3?th=1&psc=1
I’m wearing the Naturalizer Hawaii slingback flat to a couple weddings this fall. It’s a pointed toe which isn’t really in style at the moment but the black leather with gold metal accents make it a little dressier.
Not sure about trending shapes, but Stuart Weitzman usually has dressy enough flats for evening. If you don’t see a color you like, look for their wedding flats and have them dyed.
Can we do a humble brag thread? Can be about whatever is making you proud of you today; no topic limitations.
I am really good at hand sewing, from practical mending to embroidery of all sorts.
Signed,
Queen of Spreadsheets
So proud of you! Both the skills and helping the planet.
I have run 8-10 miles every Saturday for the last month. I have 3 small kids and a big job and have worked back up to this.
really impressive!!
I am so impressed. That’s awesome.
Wow! Go you.
Love that! I love stories of women getting after it with kids – you show the rest of us that it can be done.
I just the top rating for my performance review. We are capped at how many people can get top grades, and thus try to spread it around. Since I already got it last year, my boss went into the decision meeting proposing to give me second best, but the other leaders insisted that I get bumped up.
Wow, go you!
I love it that multiple leaders spoke up for you!!
My 8 year old just made lunch for all 3 of us – start to finish. Omelettes and toast.
that is fantastic!
It feels SO GOOD when our kids demonstrate that they are competent, capable people. Well done!
How did you accomplish this?! My 7 year old can barely make toast.
We’ve been working on it for about a year. Every time I needed an egg cracked, he’d do it, do the whisking, etc. He’s got these kid montessori knives so he can cut veggies. We do have an induction stovetop which makes it a bit easier.
Nice! My 10yo made meatballs and noodles and set the table and we had a “fancy dinner” last night and it was so fun
I’ve really been working hard for the past 4 months to up my Practical Living game (it really needed it). I’m so proud of my sparkling clean bathroom. My finances are all up to date, and there aren’t any paper stacks sitting around. My fridge is clean and I’m cooking again. I’m getting to work on time and using a to-do list. This is such basic, basic, basic stuff, but I’d gotten really slack, and it feels good to be back on firmer ground again.
Wait I need to do this. How did you do it?
No paper stacks is life goals for me.
This isn’t basic. This is perfection.
I am *crushing* my recovery after a bad car accident earlier this year. I am being told I am “exceeding expectations” in my occupational therapy. I love that for me. :)
love that for you!
Congratulations! As a young healthy person, I never really viscerally understood “if you don’t have your health, you don’t have anything” but it has hit home for me a few times in recent years. I’m so glad your recovery work is paying off!
I paddled 16 miles on a class IV whitewater river 9 months postpartum after a rough end of pregnancy (including preterm induction) and early postpartum experience. I had so much fun and felt strong and like myself. For my first night away from the baby, it was a really worth it one.
I love this for you. Are you the person who went on the trip with her dad?
Yes I am! He’s been sending me links to other rivers we should do (“like what we just did but even more whitewater.”) The highlight of the trip for me was when I overheard what he said to another senior on the trip – “at first you’re a little nervous, right, but then when it’s getting to the end, you’re like ‘gimme more.’” I paid $100 for professional pictures of us going through the most famous rapid together and it’s worth every penny.
This is so awesome – thanks for sharing.
That’s so cool. You and your dad are my kind of people.
Your story is making my day. I haven’t done a solo trip with my dad in decades, and this makes me want to plan one. thanks for the nudge!
Please report back if you do that trip! It’s so worth the effort – including overcoming traffic phobia 😂
We are buying a house and in the process of pulling together all our assets I stunned by just how much we have in retirement funds (I prioritized maxing out retirement as early as I possibly could with every raise). I’m proud of myself and it gives me room to back off a bit and maybe prioritize other spending for awhile.
Hooray! That’s awesome.
I have lost a significant amount of weight (won’t post numbers) in six weeks, at age 51, through buckling down on nutrition and regular walking. I’ve dropped everything I put on over 3 years in the course of 6 weeks and I am excited to keep going. (Note: weight loss is appropriate in my case, not just losing to lose)
I am in awe. I have tried and failed so many times to lose my midlife weight.
You don’t need to apologize for losing weight. I’ve lost 18-ish pounds in the past 18 months. Although my weight was within the “normal range” at my doctor, losing the weight has helped my blood pressure and blood sugar, both of which were borderline.
I was surprised what a difference losing weight the weight made to some of my numbers, and I feel better because I’ve changed some things I eat (I’ve always exercised.). I hate that people feel they need to add caveats or apologize for losing weight. Losing weight, no matter how you approach it, is difficult. Being at a healthy weight for your height and frame is important for your current and future self.
My mom did this in her late 60s and has kept with it into her 70s! She was “pre diabetics” and on the higher end for cholesterol and wanted to try controlling it with lifestyle changes before doing drugs. It’s worked really well and has led to a host of other good quality to life changes too.
Yeah, I sort of wish I had collected those numbers beforehand so I could compare and use that as motivation/affirmation. As it is, it has been many years since I’ve had any testing.
I have been working through Mussorgsky’s Pictures at an Exhibition piano solo for the last few years and I am so. close. to being able to smoothly play the last movements. I have to go back and re-polish earlier movements before I can perform the whole piece, but it seemed almost insurmountable when I started and I’m really proud of myself for finishing it.
This is amazing! Go you!
OMG I love that piece. That’s a great accomplishment!
oh, I last heard that in music class. You’re amazing and I will pull that up and listen to it today!
thanks! I recommend the Evgeny Kissin live concert video from 2002 on YouTube, there are lots of good recordings, but his performance IMHO is perfection
Fantastic!
I have recently internalized that we can retire now if we want to and still expand our lifestyle. I grew up in poverty, a lot of instability and not a lot of help to find my way in the world, and I think I’m just starting to really understand that my reality is miles away from the fear and scarcity mindset I have felt. I have worked really hard and scrimped, saved, and invested, and now have a net worth of ~6M in our mid 30s. Could never share that with anyone, but I’m proud of myself and grateful for the choices I have made.
You are killing it! I hope you’re able to let go of the scarcity mindset and enjoy the results of your hard work.
Thank you so much.
Well done. Time to enjoy your life. Everything could change tomorrow, so spend a little more time living for today. You deserve it!
I actually have a budget and a financial plan. And a current will. And almost all the insurance we need. I’m obviously not in finance, so this is a significant accomplishment!
For suiting that isn’t wool:
— do I just want polyester and to stay the hell away from rayon? I mean, there is cheap and disposable, and any viscose strikes me as trending to a piece that won’t last.
— if an item isn’t wool, is there any point in paying for a better brand or just get at the place with the lowest cost? I’d love a new wool suit but if what I want to J Crew doesn’t fit my shape or the unlined pants are too itchy, the lesser fibers are available at all price points and synthetics won’t itch at least.
Wool makes me itch, so I go the synthetic route. I like poly/spandex blends, though it’s getting harder to find stuff that doesn’t include viscose. As with everything, I go for something mid-range. Not the cheapest, not the most expensive.
There is high-end viscose. I literally fell on my face wearing an expensive viscose suit. Any other fabric would have ripped, but this suit recovered with not a mark. And care is easy. I dry clean the suit, obviously, but it travels like a champ and can be worn many times over before laundering.
Where is it from? I’m in need of a suit because I’ve changed sizes. Keeping the fully-lined wool pieces though as I will never see that quality again.
It is Basler, and unfortunately I think they stopped making suiting during COVID.
There are differences in quality– even with synthetic pieces. Tailoring is important. For me, I typically need a petite fit for a jacket, which not all brands offer.
Look at the linings for suiting. Some linings are breathable. Some are basically like a plastic bag inside your clothes. Some synthetic suiting looks “cheap” and some does not. I had a grey, synthetic suit that had fake marks on it to try to look like wool, whereas I had a navy suit that I always got compliments on.
Some fabrics also wear faster than others– but not sure if you can actually tell that ahead of time.
Viscose suiting works if you want a woven fabric with interesting texture or depth of texture. Sezane has that kind of fabric.
Banana Republic Factory has some decent, good-looking non-wool suiting (mainly pants suit) where you can buy the jacket and the slacks in different sizes, and which are machine-washable. On sale, they are a steal!
Where can I find a large flat hair clip that will hold a lot of hair, in dressier or neutral tones (e.g., cream, tortoiseshell), that doesn’t have a huge logo engraved or printed on it? Kitsch and Teleties make the right kind of clip, but the logos ruin them.
scunci (I like the XL octopus clips) or goody.
I use the Scunci octopus clips too. They’re the only ones I find that actually stay in my hair.
Etsy. Search for acetate made in France.
like this? i’m not seeing a logo.
https://www.mykitsch.com/products/flat-lay-claw-clip-3pc-flat-terracotta?srsltid=AfmBOoqv9G5izVwAWzbXqqu-RYcr8iGKxSUUdo6YgSvIQfn0pYYjPr–
if you’re ok with a barette i’d get france luxe, they make special ones for volume.
https://a.co/d/fdw0JKe
jcrew usually has good ones too.
I have multiple Teleties clips and the logo is very subtle…it’s embossed and just a simple T. I honestly had to just pull mine out to even see where the logo is because I haven’t ever noticed it. Obviously your preference is your preference, but IMO the logo is totally unobtrusive.
I swear I just saw some at target. I was avoiding target post election and had a work travel emergency so was there yesterday and they had huge cute clips exactly like this. Currently holding my long Curley thick hair back in one as we speak – best I’ve bet had. I think it’s technically from their universal standard (?) brand line.
Get a hair pin if you have long hair, and see if that can work. I use mine all the time and it’s way safer for car journeys etc
Should I buy a house? Late 30s, midwest, home ownership is what people do here. I am single and plan to remain so. No kids but my extended family (8 people) stays with me every 5-6 weeks for a full week so looking for a 3-4br plus at least two showers, maybe even 3 stools. This means about 400k-450k in my area. I make 180k pretax and have saved about 50k in HYS. I am renting a house for an excellent price right now (1500/m) but the layout is funky, the yard is huge and so hard to keep up, and I feel like it might be time. I have always been nervous to buy, I graduated in 06 and saw a lot of people lose their houses. My family is split between keep cheap rent and buy.
I’d consider a townhouse or large condo. Don’t underestimate how much money and time you’ll spend maintaining a single family home, especially if you don’t have a partner.
Ehh, if you are in an area where 3-4 bedroom SFHs sell for $400-500k, I wouldn’t expect a townhouse or condo to hold its value. And then you will likely have a big HOA fee in addition to the mortgage.
Personally, I wouldn’t expect go for it. But I like the safety I feel from knowing my housing cost is relatively fixed.
Are you definitely settled in this area? There is a part of me that fantasizes about being child and spouse-free and getting to do whatever I want to do, and that would include living downtown or in a fun condo or something and possibly in different places. If you don’t have this urge, then I’d lean towards buying, but I agree with the poster above that I would look at something with low maintenance or built in maintenance to some extent.
don’t forget how much time and money it takes to maintain a house that you might not realize bc your landlord just does it – the mental energy of remembering to change filters, fixing things yourself or finding the right tradesperson, annual preventative maintenance, gutter cleaning, researching the right appliance to replace an old one, etc. It’s bad enough with a fully competent, helpful, and proactive spouse!
ownership you do at least invest in your own home, but the ROI will depend on where you live and trends in your community.
I’d do it when you have 20% plus an emergency fund. $400k is not much relative to your income.
you don’t mention retirement savings but i wouldn’t buy a house (when you’ve got a nice rent price) until you’re putting money into your 401k at least enough to get the match.
Yeah, at her income, I assumed she is maxing or nearly maxing retirement.
I think this is mostly a lifestyle question. Do you want a big house, which will probably come with a big yard, and all the other work that comes with it? If so, then buying makes sense. If not, then stick with renting. Financially, I’m assuming you can cover the mortgage payments at that salary, but it’s also worth thinking about how competitive the housing market is in your city. Will it be hard to find houses in your price range with that down payment? In my midwestern city, houses in that price range often go for well above asking and it took my sister two years to get an offer accepted (finally closed a month ago).
Does the math work out such that if you decide you want to move out of the type of house you’re looking at buying, you could rent it out and cover your mortgage? That would make me lean toward buying, since you’d still have flexibility but also an appreciating asset.
Is your family contributing financially? If not I don’t think they really get a say. It sounds like you don’t really want to buy but think you should. You can hire people to take care of the yard, especially when your rent is so low. A townhouse could be a good solution but often when you consider the HOA fees they end up more than a comparable SFH.
I think it’s time for you to start doing the research and math. Go to some open houses and see what’s there. Run all the numbers and find out how much cash you need going in, so you have a downpayment, your emergency fund, your regular savings, and a house repair fund. Look at your budget and find out how much your housing costs (all in, including repairs, association fees, etc.) will differ from your current $1500k.
As you research all that, you’ll probably have a growing sense of whether you want to do this or whether you don’t want to do it.
Also a Midwesterner. Most places with 3-4 bedrooms are going to have the yard maintenance issue. Is there any way you can hire some of that out? I hesitate to recommend the townhouse route, as I think those are harder to sell if and when you need to. But, it’s an option.
Agree that $1500 is a good rent price for a full house, but I also think you could own a home for that or not much more on a monthly basis. Do you feel like you have enough cushion to handle repairs and maintenance?
Buy the house you want. I’m single and recently bought a 6 bedroom house. No, I don’t need a house that big, but I use all of it. Yard-wise big or small I’m hiring someone to take care it. I don’t think the fact you are single should factor into your decision making.
Curious – what do you use your bedrooms for?
I fantasize about being a single person in a large house, using each room for something nice – an office, a library, a music room etc.
It is not a huge house – ~ 2500 sq ft., so each room is not huge. 1 – Primary bedroom, 2- one that will be combined with primary to improve flow, 3- guest bedroom, 4 – office, 5 – home gym 6 – basement guest bedroom
Very nice. Sounds perfect.
lol you do not use a six bedroom house as a single person unless you have wild extenuating circumstances. That’s insane.
Agreed, that is waste (in terms of energy use, filling it with random crap, etc) at a level I cannot (well, do not want to ) even imagine
It’s not “wild extenuating circumstances” to host guests, entertain, and pursue a few creative hobbies. Do you have any idea how much space it can take up to play piano, maintain an art studio, and weave on a loom in a house? (I do…)
But no one does all of those things, and if you do one of them you only need 1 room for it.
Hobby room, home office, home gym, guest bedroom. It’s not hard. But I guess how dare a single person have a life and live in more than a 1-bedroom apartment.
All four of those can be managed in one bedroom or two at most…
But why manage in one room if you don’t have to? There’s no prizes for that.
Well, buying a house that is only what you need is probably more prudent financially and in terms of resource sharing. But everyone gets to choose their own adventure in life, and it’s fine if this is yours!
The “why” is I see these 3800sf houses being built with three AC units needed to heat and cool them and it’s grossly wasteful to use so much energy for space you’re not using. If you’re truly actually usually all that square footage every week, great, but studies have shown that people generally only actually use up to 1500sf of their homes in a given week, regardless of how much bigger the houses keep getting— the rest is just excess consumption for its own sake.
I used those examples because I know someone who does all of those things and also works out. Music room, art room, crafts room, gym, office, and guest room seems okay to me if it’s all getting used.
Meanwhile people are driving on wasteful commutes to redundant office spaces kept at chilly temperatures while their homes sit empty all week, and the office buildings sit empty all weekend, all just to sit at a desk. I just can’t bring myself to care about a single lady with lots of skills and hobbies living in a nice big house.
I would buy a Victorian house in a heartbeat as a single person if I could afford one. Who cares if I can use every room?
But I do have a very extensive library. I could have a separate office and a library and use them equally. I could also separate my workout space and guest room space. Are you in every room in your house every minute? No, but why does that matter if you can afford it?
When we were adopting a cat, we met some of the cats and kittens in the homes of DINK rescuers who were fostering out of the extra bedrooms of their oversized cookie cutter suburban houses. It made me look at some of those neighborhoods a little differently knowing that some people go way out of their way to use the space meaningfully.
I am single and bought a 3-br house when I was in my late 30s. It is a cottage, so not huge. I have family come stay with me, but only 1 bathroom. It’s fine. I always thought about a townhouse or condo, but realized quickly that they weren’t very accessible in my price point and I have older family members. I bought before WFH, but now I’m happy I have a bedroom for an office and a 3rd bedroom with air mattress and place for storage/exercise equipment. Goal is one day to have a Murphy bed built in.
The upkeep hasn’t been an exorbitant cost. Over the course of 10 years, I’ve had some minor repairs. Lawn maintenance and pest control isn’t exactly obscene. My bills are actually lower here because it was more energy efficient than my rental. And I have enjoyed customizing things over the years. Of course there are taste things I will change that require more investment, but they’ve been fine for 10 years.
I bought fairly centrally, picking a neighborhood that was transitioning but near transit and a grocery store. If I was commuting, it would be a drive, but that would be true wherever I lived. I’m sure it would be more important to determine your location if you were very cemented in a neighborhood but my friends live all over anyway.
Absolutely, 100%, buy a house and don’t get a condo or townhouse or whatever. That’s so reasonable for your area and you could have owned for less than your rent a few years ago. I bought my first place at 30 and never looked back, didn’t marry until I was 40. Homes are a place to live and an asset. Don’t rob yourself of the latter just because you’re single and get a good one (condos and townhomes don’t appreciate the same way and have issues).
I imagine this is location dependent, but here townhouses appreciate just fine.
+1
I’m not aware of a location where they appreciate more than a single family home.
Not saying that OP should go with a townhouse, but I agree that this is location dependent. Our townhouse has appreciated at the same rate as single family homes in my neighborhood (which I know because neighbors have sold units recently). Even if it was a little less, we’ve spent so little in repairs/maintenance (and zero on the lawn we don’t have) that I think we’d still come out ahead. But when we bought it, we prioritized living in the type of property we wanted and that suited our lifestyle over what would necessarily appreciate the maximum amount.
8 people staying with you for a full week every month…wow.
Obviously people vary, but as a single person, having a “real house” and family visiting often sounds wonderful! I like being able to offer hospitality and let people feel at home, I like taking care of people, and my general life balance has plenty of quiet alone time already (I imagine I would feel different if I were in the thick of little kids and elder caregiving and an hour to focus on just me was already a rarety). l I wouldn’t assume it’s a negative for OP :)
I wish I had 8 people who wanted to visit me! What a rich life she must have.
Almost identical situation to you, EXCEPT I bought in 2021 so it made way more financial sense at that interest rate than today’s, and I also don’t need as much space as you (bought a 1000sf house).
Pros: I can customize it how I like/ no restrictions on pets etc, no shared walls, my mortgage is cheaper than anything comparable I’d be renting, fundamental feeling of its “mine”.
Cons: it is REALLY othering (at least to me) to live as a single person in a SFH neighborhood. I imagine anywhere you’re getting a large house this is even truer. As they build McMansions where the small houses used to be, the solo renters anew gone and now everyone is at least partnered, if not with kids, and it’s weird vibes. Maintenance also is an albatross like other people mentioned— so much yardwork and feeling like I’m failing to stay on top of getting gutters cleaned etc.
I have that shirt, fair warning that it really only lasts a season before it starts to look like junk. The darker colors do a bit better.
Thank you for this. I had a similar experience with AT Factory knits and was pretty disappointed. I expect things to last a whole lot longer than that.
you expect a $12 shirt to last longer than a year?
Pretty sure it was more than $12, but yes. Even my Target knits last forever.
My Old Navy basic knits see wash and wear at least once a week year round. They last 5-6 years in condition good enough to wear out and about, then get relegated to house projects, PJs, or yardwork for another 5-6 years until the fabric starts to deteriorate to the point that they become cleaning rags.
I always wonder if I’m overpaying for my clothes when I buy nice stuff (I tend to get 5-7 years out of it), and then I read things like this.
That’s disappointing— I bought a shirt and slacks from BR this past winter and was really pleasantly surprised how nice quality they seemed.
I’m turning 31 soon, single, live in NYC, and last night I had a dream that my mom told me my life is stagnant. Leaving mom out of it, I do think that my dream-self had a point. I have interesting things going on in life – my job is great, a long trip planned, just signed up for a class I’ve wanted to take for a while. But I can see how day to day my life doesn’t feel like it has much variety.
A few weekends ago I explored some neighborhoods I hadn’t been in much even though I live in Brooklyn – I think I need to do more things like that. Take full advantage of the city. I am dating and that’s fine but I don’t think its helping with the feeling stagnant. Any one else felt this way and how did you handle it?
You should definitely keep doing fun new things that bring you joy! But the wording of your post sounds to me like you think you *should* be avoiding stagnancy. In your dream you even had an outside critic delivering that message! If it resonates with you, I think a big part of it is freeing yourself from the societal pressure to always have a milestone. I think it’s a sad part of our hustle culture that we’re told a balanced, full, contented life isn’t good enough. It sounds like you have a great life and you have permission from a stranger not to care if somebody somewhere thinks it’s stagnant. But, if you find you do want to change, I think you’re on the right track with everything you’re doing. And one other thing I think is finding a tight knit community of people who are really involved in each other’s lives. Supporting other people through their big moments and changes provides structure and content, for lack of a better word, and makes you happy to return to your own cozy, orderly life when the work is done.
+1, completely agree. In the age of Instagram, it seems like we always “should” be having adventures and fabulous experiences. In reality, if you have a life that you’re content with, that’s a blessing. My marriage recently ended, and my ex always wanted to do something more, bigger, different. Part of what I’m relishing now is “living small.” To me, there is wisdom in enjoying what you already have.
But, I do think making a point of just strolling around neighborhoods in NYC sounds absolutely glorious! There are cute decks of cards that have walking tours of NYC exactly like you describe if you want something more structured, or just go where your whim takes you!
Such a great point about the outside critic. When I woke up I thought it had really happened but then realized the circumstances of the dream were just weird enough that that’s not possible.
One cousin gave birth and another cousin announced that she is pregnant this week. With the instagram posts, messages from family etc etc. I don’t want to have a kid, but that probs fed into the dream.
I’d take apart whether you truly DO feel stagnant, or if so, where it’s coming from. Do you desire more variation day-to-day in your life? The solution for that would be different from the solution you’d apply if you felt stagnant because you feel like you don’t have any larger goals you’re working toward.
Or there could be other reasons, like your 20s were full of drama and uncertainty, and a more stable life makes you nervous. Who knows. But give more thought to the kind of “stagnant” you’re feeling, so your solutions fit it.
My 20s had more changes, like I think most people’s lives do. Like this is the longest I’ve been in one job – but it is because I put a lot of effort into shaping my career into something that works for me.
I know I like to keep busy, and for most of my 20s I was busy. I think things like these classes help with that. I get depressed when I’m bored.
It’s all a matter of perspective. One person’s stagnation is another person’s stability. What feels right to you?
I agree with what others have posted about stagnation v. stability, but I have experienced a feeling that I would very much call stagnation at a few times in my life. While the specifics have been different based on my circumstances, the one thing that helped me a ton was broadening my social world a little and making an effort to meet some new people – the most recent time, specifically people who are a little different from me so I feel like we talk about different things than I always do with my long-time friends.
I have done that a little! My older friends are confused that I have friends I go to raves with now. But can definitely do more of that. I definitely like meeting new people and meeting different people.
I agree that you need to decide if this is your subconscious telling you that you perceive yourself to be stagnant because you’re not meeting some external expectation or if it’s telling you that you’re really unhappy about an area of your life and ignoring it.
I think this is normal for most people. For me, I tackle that by setting goals for myself. That doesn’t mean doing things everyone else is doing, but maybe it is taking more classes that you want to be taking. Also, things like a job can be great but not what you want to be doing. Maybe stagnant for you is ignoring your desires for what feels safe. You can also just feel bored after doing the same thing for a long time. Maybe you’re ready for change. Maybe it’s time for a new style. Or a new eating plan. There are lots of things we settle into out of habit that might deserve change.
Yeah in the past there were big changes – finishing grad school, moving, switching jobs etc. And now I don’t need a big change like that, but maybe just a new routine.
Or maybe one of those “cook a new meal every week for a year” type things.
Hi Twin! Is this just life? I think so in some ways . Life isnt the whirlwind social media and tv shows have sold us. Other people are busy with their own lives, vacation doesnt happen as often as we’d like, and you have and endless cycle of laundrydisheslaundry.
When I feel the most stagnant in my life its one of two things: 1. I’m not getting enough connection with others or 2. My ‘enclosure’ needs enrichment. When I get that feeling I:
Sign up for classes or an activity that meets at least once a week.
Get breakfast and coffee out on Saturday morning. Stop at local bars for a beer on sunday afternoon.
Take a lunch, coffee break, or happy hour with whichever coworker is free on an in office day. Im no social butterfly, but extending invites is free. Sometimes people accept, sometimes they dont.
Go to the theater, opera, movies, ballet, concerts, street fairs, galleries, speaker events. I’m on a mission to go to a theater show once a month and have tickets through the end of the year already purchased.
Plan and take field trips. New neighborhoods, museums, zoos etc.
Plan Just Because parties or events. I’ve done an afternoon tea party for a friend. I plan and host an annual fall equinox party – This year Im making guests do a silly show and tell segment. Last year we did a fall themed craft. All day board game days, etc.
Ha that’s exactly it, my enclosure needs enrichment. I used to throw a lot more just because parties but stopped because my friends schedules were so difficult to coordinate. I love doing them though, I should go back to doing them and whoever is around can come.
Throw the party or event even if no one comes. Scale it down, place a setting for just yourself, but dont stop yourself from a fun time because of an attendee list.
I feel like I turned 31 and realized that I can just do things because I want to and it seems fun. If no one wants to come or join me that’s okay, I’m going to do the thing either way. A buddy to do things with is great, but I can have fun on my own too.
i love it when the dream self talks to us, i always take it as a sign of a deeper desire. were you thinking about anything specific when you fell asleep, or did you have any questions in your mind where the answer is “take the leap and mix it up”?
life gets increasingly stagnant as you get older – there’s some old quote about how it’s the same damn thing day after day and over too soon. i love learning things and trying new things to keep me from feeling too stagnant, whether it’s a new hobby or visiting a new place or cooking a new dish.
Hi! I’m also 31, single (against my wishes), and feeling “behind” – I’m a renter, I’m taking a pause on grad school (I hope to go back spring 2026 to finish), I’m fine financially but not flush (and so I don’t have many nice things and I don’t travel as much as I’d like to). I love my job: it’s challenging but not overwhelming, I like my coworkers, the work is mostly fun for me, and I love the mission. But, due to the type of work I travel a lot and advancement is kind of limited.
While I don’t always feel great about everyone around me getting married and having kids and buying houses or new cars, taking vacations, having their masters degree, etc while I’m not I’m mostly quite content.
I’m a HUGE hobbies person. I also have a very active social life. Together, those fill a lot of the gaps in my life.
Caveat, I’m a high energy person, when I’m not traveling I work no more than 40-45 hours a week, and I have purposely structured my life so I can devote a lot of time and energy to hobbies (pay more for a well located apartment with storage for hobby equipment).
1-2x a week my friends and I do potluck dinners. We also go to quizzo once a week. Plus random dinners and happy hours and events. We also love picking a fun theme or making something into an event.
I have some hobbies I do at home (reading, crafting) but most are more active / out of the house, so I throw out an open invite to my friends to join me (though we also do craft and read together). I’ve also met friendly acquaintances through hobbies. I love outdoor activities, so I get out in nature for a workout or activity once a week every single week.
If something is a reasonable cost and a reasonable distance , I just do it. So, I bought an inflatable SUP. I can get to a public dock in 15 mins. I can get to a very small ski mountain in < 1 hour and a good hiking, biking, or trail running park in 30ish minutes. So, I do one of those activities after work at least once a week.
Some people would say driving an hour each way to ski after work is too taxing but I’d much rather spend my Tuesday night on the slopes than watching tv or doing laundry. There’ll (hopefully) be a time in my life when I have young kids and I can’t do this so I want to enjoy this freedom now!
Our water heater is rusted out 😭 anyone have a water heater they love…? Is that a thing?
I don’t think that’s a thing! Go with what your repair person recommends.
Hah. I have a relative with some expertise in this area who ordered one from Germany and everyone had to have cold water until it arrived!
We switched to tankless when ours died, and will never go back. Neverending hot water – and enough so you can have laundry and a shower going at the same time. It does require appropriate venting and enough electrical capacity but SO worth it.
I don’t have tankless, but we don’t have an issue with showers (sometimes 2) and laundry and dishwashers simultaneously. I think we have a large tank but not overly large. Is it normal to not be able to shower and do laundry at the same time?
depends on how much water and the temperature, but it was a problem before we switched. we have an old school Speed Queen washer that uses a real full tank of hot water – we adore it since it doesn’t like, mist the clothes with water the way some front loaders do, but it def depleted our tank so we only did hot water laundry midday.
Not at all normal.
I would love a tankless water heater because our current water heater isn’t big enough to fill our giant bathtub.
I loved my Navien tankless, if that’s an option. It has basically no footprint, and water heats quickly and efficiently
I don’t have one, but I believe you can still get a tax credit for installing a heat pump water heater if you do it before the end of the year, and it should save you a lot on your energy bill (your utility company may also offer a rebate).
was just going to say this! i looked into it when chris hayes mentioned it on twitter (years ago now) and it doesn’t make sense for us because our water heater is new and i think our location wasn’t the best fit for it (upper midwest), but do consider!
+1 on a heat pump water heater! It’s a bit of work to convert from gas, but worth it to do it while there are tax incentives to make the financial upside of converting (lower energy bills each month, but it costs more to install) come sooner.
I have a heat pump water heater and it heats water nicely. It puts out cool air when it’s working, which makes the outdoor closest where it lives even better for storage and sometimes a nice place to visit on hot days.
Not a thing, you get what’s available to replace immediately. Longer term or possibly now, you could switch to tankless.
Tankless is not ideal if you have regular power outages. With a tank, even if it is electric, you still have a full tank of hot water when the power goes out. Also, after owning 5 tankless, albeit in 3 different homes, I feel qualified to opine that their longevity is highly overrated. It’s not that much longer than a tank. (Also, electric tankless are a bit of a unicorn, and it is hard to find someone to install or maintain them. If you have gas available, you have more tankless options.)
Unless you are on well water…the pump goes out with the electricity! Worst part of being on a well, IMO
No joke. Water will go cold while you are in the shower when the power goes out. Ask me how I know.
I love my Rinnai brand gas-powered tankless water heater. It’s about ten or eleven years old now, and has never required any maintenance. It’s a closed system with few moving parts. The Internet says it should last 20 years.
The question you should be asking is: gas or electric? And my vote is for electric.
Not a thing! But look for their Energy Star rating to save on operating costs.
I feel like I’m in a place in my life where I’m not thriving. I am working hard: full-time job with some pressure, raising two kids with my husband, have good relationships with family and friends. On paper, life looks good. It IS good! But I’m wracked with anxiety and doubt about whether I’m doing enough. Lots of things feel difficult right now, harder than they would if I were in a good place. I suspect that I’m simply overloaded, plus being walloped by perimenopausal hormones. I’m probably burned out and a little bored. Stress relief is something I need to work on, but the things I used to do to feel better, like running, is not working as well as it used to. Often, I feel more drained rather than energized. I just feel like all my systems are on overload. How do I pull myself out of this slump? At this point, I’m basically sick of myself and the drama inside my head.
Therapy and/or anxiety meds
+1
And what if I’m already on anxiety meds? Up the dosage?
Talk to whoever prescribed the meds.
Therapy!
Also, look at possible medical causes for your fatigue – have you had bloodwork recently?
I’d also look for possible medical causes for the anxiety.
Talk to your prescriber; sometimes upping the dose makes a world of difference and it doesn’t necessarily mean you have to be at the upped dose all the time. I up my anxiety med dose around the time my period starts and it makes a huge difference. The rest of the time I’m at my usual lower dose. On the other hand, I upped my ADHD dose and OH MY GOD. IT’S A NEW WORLD. I’M NEVER GOING BACK TO THE LOWER DOSE! And of course, make sure you are getting enough sleep, drinking enough water and moving enough.
Disagree with the other comments. Sometimes life just makes you feel this way–unless we all need medication, it happens to all of us. Try changing your diet or exercise routine. Try body pump or barre classes. Whatever it takes to get sleep. Also maybe check for Lyme? My mom is getting walloped by it, but it took her awhile to realize and get checked for it.
Everyone feels blah sometimes, but “I’m wracked with anxiety and doubt about whether I’m doing enough” is not normal or common and is the classic situation that anxiety meds are designed for.
I think it’s more normal than we like to admit. Especially if OP is a high functioning adult. It’s not like we’re living in a world of peace and tranquility. There’s a lot that can make a person legitimately feel this way. I think the answer is to acknowledge it and work through what is actually reality, and not something made up in her head.
I agree with this take. I believe that periods of stress and frustration with life are a natural part of life and sometimes that’s just what you need to get the push to make healthy changes. It’s OK to sit with feeling uncomfortable sometimes. I think folks would have a lot more grit to get through it if they realized how normal and expected this is. I would reserve the meds and therapy to when it feels more like actual depression–either longer lasting periods of funk or deeper in feeling. And more important, if there are things that aren’t improving how you feel. For example, does a long bike ride or doing something you love or spending time with friends snap you out of the funk for a bit? Do I feel that way all day or just when I’m tired or hungry or have had a bad day?
Honestly I think not enough people in this country are wracked with anxiety and doubt.
Well, that’s healthy!
It’s more healthy than insulating yourself with money, power, and/or intellectual dimness. The world is supposed to be felt and experienced. And that means being uncomfortable with your place in it.
Found the person who needs therapy.
I think that’s super normal and wouldn’t medicate it. Perspective helps and so does finding what works for you. That can take time – kids change a lot so your routines are constantly changing and it can be hard to find a groove. It takes actively pulling up, figuring out what’s working and what isn’t and working to fix the latter. What the fix is will change over time.
+1.
Put yourself first. Since you seem to have found exercise helpful in the past, I’d suggest trying a different type. Specifically, see if this resonates: join a really nice gym near you. One with childcare. Go there for an hour every evening as a non-negotiable as time for YOU. The kids will be fine in kid-care while you get some actual time to focus on you (or leave them home with DH, but the childcare is critical so that DH’s whining doesn’t prevent you from going). Don’t run, do something else that feels good with your body – I’d suggest lifting heavy. Most weight machines have a little picture of what to do, so are pretty self-explanatory.
OP here. I’ve always been a morning exerciser because if I wait until later, it’s probably not happening. I am just so dang tired right now and am having a hard time forcing myself to do it.
Childcare isn’t an issue; our kids are older now. DH and I are running them all over the place most evenings, though. We try our best to switch off so it’s not all on one person, but sometimes we both have to tag in. My evenings are time confetti.
I am usually a big fan of good stress to drive out bad stress, but if running isn’t “working” for you, it might be a good experiment to test out going the exact opposite way – something really gentle physically (yoga in the back yard? just walking and observing? breath work meditation?) and see how your body and heart react to that
(and if that feels good and you still want to get back to running, you’ll at least have the data that maybe your body needs something more physically – more rest, more food, more intentional stretching & strengthening, more recovery – to make it happen. I hate the “oh running is too hard for working moms, you have to give it up” narrative so I want to make it clear I’m not advocating that)
Talk to your doctor about getting your hormones checked and see if there are any solutions there. From what you posted in comments, this sounds like hormonal fluctuations, which cause exhaustion, anxiety, and depression.
Are you on HRT? I would see a menopause specialist because perimenopause can cause increased anxiety, fatigue, brain fog, insomnia, etc. I know there are reasons people can’t take HRT, but there’s also a lot of very bad medical advice against it too. Your body has hormone receptors throughout and keeping them level can help a lot.
Otherwise, I think tackle one area at a time. Fixing everything is overwhelming. But remember that midlife is hard, if not always a crisis.
I am a broken record, but Arthur Brooks’ books, especially from Strength to Strength, may be worth a look. You might also like Meditations for Mortals by Burkeman.
you mention peri, so i’m assuming you’re at a certain age — your sleep needs may be changing, you may be starting to have disrupted sleep too. are you doing strength training? i could see running being harder if you’re losing muscle and don’t realize the extent of it.
i’m 48 and feel like my bedtime is unironically 9:30 even if i get to sleep in until 8.
How are you with your phone habits? Could you switch to a dumb phone, or have stricter boundaries? Even when I think I’m doing okay, when I step away even more from the clicking and scrolling I feel SO much better. It’s like I can fully inhabit my life, without having my attention split (not to mention all the comparison, and the frenetic image switching, that come with using a smartphone).
I agree with this comment. I can sit and watch instagram for hours if I let myself. I have to force myself to read a book sometimes just to yank my attention span away from a screen.
I’m getting married in exactly two weeks! Any advice or tips? We are also going on a mini-moon to Newport, Rhode Island if anyone has suggestions on things to do, restaurants, etc. TIA!
We did our babymoon in Newport. Stay at Castle Hill, don’t miss the breakfast or the afternoon tea. (Or if you cannot, at least go eat a Castle Hill.) Shop the Wharf. Eat at Clarke Cooke. Don’t miss the macaroons at The Cookie Jar. If you do a mansion tour, the Breakers is the best one.
Thank you! We have reservations on the terrace at Castle hill already! I knew that was not to be missed but the hotel rooms are quite pricey!
And totally worth it. Best hotel I’ve ever stayed at, without contest.
Candlelight mansion tours!
I love Fancy Old Houses and really enjoyed visiting the “summer cottages” in Newport during the day, I wish I’d known there were candlelight versions!
KJP flagship store
Congrats! Random tip, but if you have a big wedding dress/train, sit on the toilet backwards on your wedding day – much easier to hold your dress up.
DH and I visited Newport a few years ago for a wedding, and it’s my favorite city in America. Incredibly charming with really amazing food. Ditto Clarke Cooke House (we ate at the bar by the water). We also ate at Bar ‘Cino and Scales & Shells, both were great. Cliff Walk is a nice activity, but I really just loved walking around the neighborhoods with a coffee during the day.
Go sailing or boating. Be in love! Buy flowers for your room and a picnic basket.
congrats! if you haven’t, discuss with your fiance how you want to spend the reception – is it important to you to be glued to each other’s sides all night or ok to spend time apart with your own friend groups, etc? Do you want to let loose or stay sober-ish all night? (the most tension i’ve seen at weddings is when one half of the couple has a very different vision of how the night will go)
if things go wrong – don’t let it derail your day!
make sure you have a list of all the groupings you want photos with! I did this (and photographer kept us on track) but absolutely realized how easy it’d be to miss a photo that seems obvious
I wonder if WFH is going to go in a binary direction with one bucket of seasoned individual contributors working as they wish with little supervision (so WFH and flex-timing also; probably camera off and in ratty gym clothes but no one cares b/c they do their job). Some of this may be family members with complex health needs, military or deployed spouses, etc. Another bucket may be really green hires who need to be trained, so maybe some WFH or flexing is allowed, but in-office is expected. I’m at the point where I’m in the first bucket but want to train up a replacement. Prior juniors were pre-COVID (so we were all in the office then) and trying to train juniors over COVID was a disaster (they were bad hires with little job experience of any sort). The circumstances that led to me being remote/flex should be over soon and I will be back to living in a city where we have an office. Would I be TA for only wanting to initially hire someone as on-site 5 days and during the workday (this is biglaw, but at least 9-5 on site), at least for the first few years (I’d be on-site also to train them)? I would see pivoting to my set-up as soon as they were competent running tasks, but I see it being hard to launch otherwise.
Long post for a simple question ;) Yes, my firm requires new associates to start in-office. WFH is a privilege earned. We hire laterals anywhere in the U.S., and maturity to WFH is assumed.
Same. And NTA. We used to all go to work at work every day. It’s shocking how normalized not doing that has gotten. Flexibility is not the same thing. I’m all for that.
I think we are 3 in / 2 WFH (up from 2 in / 3 WFH) but the average daily census is the same people who are 45+ who have been coming in since . . . the Obama era or earlier. I don’t have any time to police attendance but I am just over chasing remote workers to deliver tolerable work anywhere near a deadline. At least if you are down the hall, I can go attempt to course-correct you before just writing it off as to exhausting to chase you down for following-up and feedback. If you are getting it done, I stop caring very quickly how or where you work.
Different culture as a consultant, but we hire and train people all the time to be WFH. For many internal meetings, no one cares how you’re dressed or where you’re at. Client meetings or leadership meetings, you’re expected to be in business casual with an appropriate office environment. If work product or behavior isn’t acceptable, we have corrective meetings that escalate to PIP. But we also have informal teams meetings to discuss improvements and achievement along the way.
I think it comes down to what you and other more experienced people do. The point that training works better in person is valid, but if you yourself are in the office twice a month so that sightings of the OP are newsworthy, then that argument falls apart. If you have 2-3 days per week when enough people across different levels are actually present, then it makes sense.
Requiring new hires to come into the office is common, but please don’t require them to be there if no one else is. I.e., please do not require them to get three levels of approval to not go in on a Friday if no one else will be there on a Friday. This is what I hear as the most common complaint from friends whose offices have created mandatory attendance policies– they are sometimes more unreasonable than Before Covid.
I am a proponent of work from home in the right circumstances, but I wonder if your Covid hires were all a disaster because they were bad hires, or because they never came into the office and actually met people and learned the culture?
Is this like the 7th time you’ve posted about your WFH anxiety this week?
Is it possible that some people metabolize drugs really fast?
I know one person, 200 pounds, on a 5 mg dose of Ambien; it works.
I know another person, 130 pounds, on a 6.5 XR dose of Ambien that works for a few hours at a bedtime around 10 and then a second dose in the small wee hours of the morning to sleep until 6; person takes no naps.
Do we metabolize drugs that differently? I see how extended release can play a role, but IDK really how such stark differences are possible (except that this is their lived experience and now I wonder how anyone knows anything about dosing except that women are never studied enough and I guess outliers are a thing here and everywhere else). I’m genetically related to the second person but all drugs seem to hit me normally (except I had wicked cramps that took a constant drip of Advil in my system to finally manage).
Of course. The same way red heads seem to need more pain medication for surgeries and dental work.
Whoa. That’s an actual thing? I thought it was just a “redheads so fiery” nonsense.
It is! The genetic variants on the MC1R gene that allow for red hair color can also affect pain tolerance and response to anesthesia meds.
and people of different regional origins metabolize alcohol and lactose at different rates.
If you have the genes, even if your hair isnt actually red!
The dentist loaded me up with numbing three times, and I was still too sensitive to get filing work done. Got home 20 minutes later and the numbing was gone.
I have to take something to calm my nervous system before hand and get the stronger numbing agents.
I had the same experience with needing three extra rounds of numbing shots this week. She finally made it happen after some very sensitive trial and error.
The same thing just happened to my daughter! She said the dentist and hygenist seemed freaked out.
When she was born I could feel the stitches because the lidocaine didn’t work at all. The weird part is that I can’t take opioid pain medication because it makes me get violently ill and then pass out. I had assumed that meant I was extra-sensitive, but then the lidocaine thing happened so who knows. We do have redheads in our family.
Yes., some people metabolize drugs faster or slower because of genetic differences. If you’re interested in this topic, you can look up pharmacogenetics. I believe that Ambien metabolism is known to be affected by some of the more famous liver enzyme genes that can vary from person to person.
There are many other individual differences that can affect med dosing though! So you shouldn’t be surprised by such stark differences.
I’m a total unicorn with psych drugs. I can tell you within 36 hours whether it’s going to work for me or not – none of this “wait 3 weeks for a drug to amp up.” My body also tells me (via adverse side effects) when a drug is no longer serving me. This is Not A Thing for the medical world, but I live it (and roll through more prescriptions than you can imagine).
I think it’s known that SSRIs affect serotonin levels pretty much immediately. That’s just not the mechanism of efficacy for most people! I bet it is the mechanism for some (after all psychiatry used to use tryptophan which doesn’t do any of the other things SSRIs do).
Not sure about other meds, but a lot of times medicine knows a lot less than science knows.
Drug metabolism is an entire branch of science and is affected by genetics and all kinds of things that can inhibit or induce the enzymes that break down the drug. In the case of ambien, St. John’s wort in particular is known to speed up metabolism, but there are also genetic variations that can explain this.
Yep, and people of African descent are known to metabolize some blood pressure and cardiac-related drugs differently (can’t remember which ones right now).
yep, this is a thing. the genesight test supposedly tells you how you metabolize meds and so forth, but i think most people know by the way meds hit them.
also don’t forget about drug interactions – if person A is taking something else that may make it hit different or faster, or person B might be taking something that interferes with it. there used to be some people on tiktok who would talk about the chemistry behind different drugs and what pathways they use, it’s really fascinating.
My daughter’s doctor recommended a genetic test before we started trying ADHD drugs to pinpoint which ones would work best with less trial and error. I thought it was really cool how there are known genetic markers that impact metabolization of different drugs!
Yes, of course we do.
Anonymous Friday vent…I sold my condo recently, where I had been a trustee. Now another owner is suing me personally in small claims for under $100 because I removed something they’d illegally installed in a common hallway before a mandatory fire inspection. It obstructed the hallway and violated fire code and bylaws, and they ignored my requests to remove it. They’re falsely claiming I broke it, with no proof.
The association attorney is repping me because they should have sued the HOA, not me. I just heard from the attorney that despite repeated offers to just cut a check and dismiss, they’ve ignored everything, and we’re in court next week.
This is likely retaliation. They owe thousands in unpaid fees and may face foreclosure. Condo life was such a nightmare. I’m out of state now and can’t wait for this to be over so I can finally feel free.
They sound like a peach. Hope you’re finished soon.
Thank you!! Me too!
For the buyer above, why condos are terrible, exhibit A.
TBH, co-ops are even worse.
Completely agree. Anything but sole ownership is a nightmare unless you’re very very lucky and the exception to the rule.
OP here – I will never buy in a condo again. My association had tons of deferred maintenance, and owners have to approve raising fees. Of course, no one wants to do this. They prefer to run the risk that a major expense won’t happen while living there, so the next owner has to pay a huge special assessment due to for past owner fiscal irresponsibility.
Then, I was constantly cajoling and pleading with neighbors to agree to basic things like letting in an exterminator for pest control in our shared walls and drains. I never knew my comfort and safety would be dependent on my dirtiest and nastiest neighbor.
My state doesn’t mandate any amount in reserves, so of course, the reserve account had basically nothing. I was a first time homebuyer, as I think most condo owners are, and I wish I had learned more. My realtor offered no real guidance. Buyer beware!
Sorry if this is a dumb question, but if the amount at issue is under $100, why are you bothering to appear in court/the HOA bothering to hire a lawyer? Can’t you just accept the default judgment for the amount that you’re willing to pay anyway?
That’s what I would do.
Except if you’re dealing with a crazy person looking for a soft target, in which case I’d shut the future greater losses down at the cost of rigorously contesting this one. It’s not this suit, it’s the next one for more.
OP – yes. The attorney is requesting dismissal with prejudice so this person can’t continue their nonsense. It’s also sending a message.
In addition to not paying dues, and this small claims matter, the unit owner is claiming individual ownership of a common area (think parking or storage) without any deed or proof. The person screams at other owners and has called the police if someone else uses this common area. The attorney is also taking action regarding that matter.
With the second ownership claim, it will probably get bounced out of small claims court.
The HOA bylaws indemnify trustees, and we also carry directors’ insurance. I don’t want to just pay and have a default judgment on my record after I had so much stress and unpaid labor acting as the defacto building manager while there. The small, under 10 unit association doesn’t have a management company.
After receiving the summons, I notified the current trustees, who contacted our attorney familiar with this delinquent owner. He noted it’s costing more in legal fees than the suit itself and has never seen a case over such a small amount. He hoped the owner would accept the check and dismiss, but they haven’t responded to certified mail or email.
Fortunately, I don’t have to attend since I now live several hours away. The association, not me, will cover the settlement and legal fees. It’s frustrating to pay this owner anything, especially when their actions ultimately cost them money (assuming they pay or get foreclosed on) as legal fees are paid with dues.
No no no. When selling a house, I had a closing fall through when a records search showed the buyer had a judgement against him. It was old, and it was paid, but SunTrust bank was not having it. Whether for that scenario or just with regard to credit score or insurance rates, I would never want a judgment of record against me. Never.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I also own a condo (that I am trying to sell), and would probably never buy one again.
Help me shop! I’m spending one day in Zurich in late September (day trip by train from Germany) to visit my oldest friend who I haven’t seen in 20 yrs. I have never been there. What would you wear? I want to look classically elegant but not overdone. On a budget so no designer brands. Been looking at the fall new arrivals (in US) and nothing inspires. Would love suggestions. Can’t decide between a statement blouse, or skirt with boots, or minimalist top with pants and a colorful scarf. Decision paralysis! I am concerned with looking nice for my friend and aware I’ll be in one of the most expensive cities on the planet!
I was in Zurich in June. It’s expensive in terms of hotels and food (and I assume housing, etc. for locals) but it isn’t particularly fancy. I think if anything it was more causal than a lot of other European cities I’ve been to. I wouldn’t overthink it – anything you would wear in the US or Germany will be fine.
+1 I’ve visited Zurich and agree with the above. It’s expensive but not all that fancy. People dress in regular/boring clothes. I’d pick whatever you feel most like yourself in of the options you presented. Maybe that’s annoying advice, but in my experience you’ll feel more confident if you don’t feel like you’re wearing a costume.
Good to know it’s casual. I totally own that I am overthinking it but it’s a bit like going to a high school reunion…Looking for inspiration!
unless you’re going somewhere fancy, I would probably do trouser jeans with deep burgundy or cognac loafers or flat suede boots underneath, a pretty blouse with perhaps a cashmere vest over it, and an unbuttoned trench for a topper.
I think we will have to hire a college person for our high school junior. The local high school has hundreds of kids per counselor and they just can’t handle anything beyond sending out transcripts.
We see local outfits helping you choose a school, oversee the application, proof the essay, etc. Also national ones. [According to the local ones, we are 2-3 years late because there is curriculum planning / advising that starts after 8th grade, which seems like something schools should handle but I guess don’t.] If you’ve a college counselor for your teen, what is important here? Just someone beyond a parent to keep on a kid to get applications done?
Does your teen know what they want?
I dunno, I get that getting into college is hard and everything but… my school had 100s of kids per college counselor too. There was a big assembly where they told everyone to make sure you applied to at least one safety school, some moderate likelihood of getting in schools, and some reach schools. And they told us very competitive places with low acceptance rates are reach schools for everyone. And remember to fill out the FAFSA.
Then you make a list and apply? You can look up last year’s acceptance rate + average SAT score (+ also often GPA) on a school’s website to do that “is it a safety school, moderate, or reach”. If your kid is comfortable & competent doing that, I’d just start there instead of assuming a counselor is a necessity
+1 you don’t need a college counselor for this. Parents can proofread essays and your kid can and should take the lead on everything else.
I’d argue that kids SHOULD be driving the bus. If they can’t handle that part, how are they going to actually handle college deadlines and expectations?
+1. And if they fail and land at community college for a year, they will be just fine. Or they won’t, but then they wouldn’t’ve been fine at the expensive college, either.
IDK our community college is build for mass education at speed and not for the care and attention you get at a SLAC. I’ve been a student at both and community college is good at many things but it’s easy to be run over by classes that run much faster than high school and most people repeat classes in a way that you don’t as a SLAC. SLACs care back a lot. It is apples and oranges. V
Yeah, I can’t relate to the college experience that prioritizes coddling.
Community college is for remediation and for vocational certifications. Kids bound for a 4-year-college will not find the courses they need, especially major prereqs, at a community college.
My biggest questions:
Class rank? (GPA means so many different things with grade inflation.)
SAT or ACT scores?
Any particularly exceptional extracurricular activities?
Your ability to pay for college?
Any geographic limits on colleges?
Is your child applying ED or EA?
So much depends on what you think you need a counselor for, which depends on what your child is like academically and what you can afford.
Why not just tell your kid to spend some time thinking about this realistically based on his grades and to prepare a plan for visits and applications for you to review in the next few weeks? They need to take some agency about such a big decision in their life, and to understand what their limitations might be without you have to spell it out for them.
Would you answer be different if every other upper middle class kid had a private counselor and yours didn’t? That is my hesitation. I’d love to opt out but our public schools have been so underwhelming since COViD and I’m so removed from how the process even works that I will probably do it for my first kid but not necessarily for the second once I and we see how the process works and what the value actually is. I can see it being very varied but most things I’ve outsourced (swimming lessons and a second set of driving classes and math tutoring), it has been well worth the money to have anyone but me be involved in a friction process.
If you can afford it, get the counselor. That said, make sure the kid is taking agency over this process–it’s their future. The counselor is something you can make happen, everything else (grades, applications, decisions) is up to the kid.
Where do you live that every middle class kid has a college counselor? That’s wild to me. It’s so rare in our area.
Upper middle class, which I can see. Not middle class.
It’s rare in our area, but it’s also rare for kids to go anywhere but the lower tier of our state univeristy system. The high school guidance counselor actually told my kid (third in her class of 600, straight As, IB diploma, 1500 SAT, played the lead in the school musical) to apply to the two state universities that accept everyone and not to bother with the flagship. She got into the flagship’s honors program and got a massive merit scholarship to an out-of-state SLAC that no one in her high school has even heard of even though it has a fantastic reputation among people who are, you know, actually educated. The private college counselor was a necessity.
I would say get one if you can afford it, but the more information you have already assembled, the most effective their time will be. Stats aside, have you toured different “kinds” of campuses with your kid – like big state U vs. manicured and suburban vs. urban? Kid with a passion for one area of study or need a school with a strong rep in lots of areas as they are undecided? Do you have a max distance for driving or say, nonstop flights only? What’s your view on ROI – whether for yourself or your kid’s loans?
Considering ROI on a college education gives me such gross-out feelings. I remember back in the day going to school with “business majors” and thinking that their time was such a waste. That they should be studying something interesting, since they’d probably need to get an MBA anyway for anyone to take their “business education” seriously.
The purpose of college is to connect more meaningfully with an area of interest in a methodical and formal way.
“The purpose of college is to connect more meaningfully with an area of interest in a methodical and formal way.”
I mean, sure, if you have unlimited money. But most people don’t. For people who are going to have to take on debt or change their lifestyle to afford college, it makes sense to look at what you’re getting and how it relates to what you’re paying. Cat didn’t say ROI is the only factor, but for the vast majority of people it is *a* factor.
Sure, it can be a factor, but planning that way doesn’t guarantee anything. I’m thinking strongly of the people who were told to learn to code so that they’d have a secure future. I think if we accept that security doesn’t really exist, college should be used primarily to form the mind. I paid for my own college w debt.
ROI doesn’t have to be purely financial. Think about the environment you want your kid to be in while he matures, or what values matter to your family. A kid being a history major could be a great ROI if understanding history and critical thinking is a value in your family.
But if a kid wants to go to Party School R Us and is most looking forward to joining a frat…not a great ROI for most people.
(I chose a Jesuit school because I was drawn in by its values and approach to education, and met my husband there. We joke that our marriage and children are the best ROI ever!)
Anon2, I’m the anon you were replying to. I think your answer is really sweet and spot on. I’m also someone who joined a sorority and would not do it again–no return on investment, just drama over things that don’t matter (remembering an ugly pair of low rise khaki capri pants we were ordered to buy for a rush event and the internal revolt that happened over it.)
If you aren’t thinking of ROI, then the money spent should be thought of as fun money.
But people pull this mental bait and switch wherein they act like ROI doesn’t matter, but then say the money can be spent because the ROI is there.
Your kid is competing against a national pool of applicants, and most will not have a counselor. You can totally do this if you want, but even if everyone else at the high school has a counselor, that’s not the right sample to be looking at and you shouldn’t let it bias you.
I don’t think that that is true for most kids. Most kids are applying to State U and the best ones are competitive. So they are competing against their classmates and then against kids in their city. Unless you have SLAC money, it’s a rotten sinking feeling unless you win the lottery with a flagship state U spot.
I think area of the country for this question. No one applying to the State Us near me hires a college consultant. There typically are pretty rigid cutoffs for GPA/Test scores, so as long as you hit those numbers, you’re fine for admissions. Most applicants still try to maximize numbers for scholarships or certain honors programs– but that information is all just on the website.
Hi, mom of a senior here, also in a huge mediocre high school….it comes down to whether you (as the mom) have the time and mental capacity to assist with all of this. It is a lot more complex than some other posters realize – very different from even my older kid’s experience only 6 years ago. For me, personally, I love to research and feel like I know what is going on. I have found a lot of free and useful info. Believe it or not, stalk some of the reddit threads (there’s something like “applytocollege” (blanking on name) and there are subreddits eg for UCs and other big systems. Also Facebook groups for “class of 2026”. It helps because you can post anon and often college counselors are in those groups and will give out great info. Then, make a list and chip away at it (eg, target, reach, safeties list of schools). Which app system do they use (not all the same)?Deadlines? Test optional? etc etc.
When it comes to the actual application a lot depends on your student’s self-motivation. Mine is willing to work with me but they do the drafts and I help edit. But, it is A Lot and I have a Big Job so sometimes it is hard mentally. If hiring a counselor will alleviate some of your anxiety and help you feel like someone other than you are shouldering the burden, then do it. I seriously considered it even though we don’t have the budget for it but have found it to be ok in the end. Some counselors will allow a free consultation call so you could try that. Hang in there! Can’t wait for the app season to be over!
It’s always been true that kids looking to maximize their chances of getting into a certain tier or school or targeting merit scholarship would need to start planning at the beginning of high school for their best shot. If you want to go Ivy or get a full ride at a top tier school, that may not be possible unless your child naturally has that profile/tested high. However, consultants in theory can help your kid find a good fit school, and maybe even get some money.
I would ask around locally to families with similar values or work colleagues and see who they used. Curriculum planning is an add-on for kids trying to maximize school rank or scholarship money. If you’re looking for school fit first then lead with that in your initial conversation. If they’re not able to reset to your ask, I would doubt they were going to be very good.
We started working with a college counselor in the spring (daughter just started senior year). We were late getting signed up, but she had an opening and it worked out. My daughter’s not going anywhere competitive, but it’s been super helpful. My bias (and familiarity) is for SLACs, but she wants a large, urban school – the advisor put together a fantastic list of schools to research, gave her career aptitude and assessment test to show her what types of careers might be a good fit, as well as a college readiness assessment that helped her identify what types of schools would be a good fit. So now she has a great starting point (dashboard, timeline, someone to help when she needs it) to manage the process on her own.
For us, what was important was someone on the same page – this wasn’t about maximizing her chances of getting in some where, just someone to help her figure out what would be a good fit, de-stress the process, make it a more enjoyable “look at all the amazing options out there for you!” experience and simplifying the logistics. Also, essay writing help haha.
We spent $2k – worth every penny. We’re in Los Angeles so I know parents who have have invested $30k or more in to this – that was not our path.
To another commentor’s point above … it’s complicated. The advisor uses some app that gives us dashboard – all the schools color-coded according to competitiveness for her, timeline for all the dates, which ones use the Common App and which ones don’t, which ones require test scores or not, which ones require extra essays, etc. So helpful.
This was close to our experience except that we are in an MCOL area and it was under $1K. There is just so much to coordinate, and it’s empowering for kids to have mom step back and let them handle it with the college counselor’s support. It helps avoid having your kid’s senior year turn into a miserable nag-fest.
Any suggestions for an exercise dress that:
– Works for a larger bust
– Has a more a-line/flared skirt
– Has some sort of way to go to the bathroom without taking off the whole dress.
I love the concept but my body is a little curvier than I think most designers had in mind. The Uniqlo one is pretty good but not perfect.
Curvy hourglass here; Uniqlo doesn’t typically fit me very well. I don’t have a current recommendation, but maybe try Athleta and Title Nine for better fits.
For anything in the body suit family, just pull it to the side to go to the bathroom, you never have to undress. How else do you at the pool, etc?
That’s what I do but since it’s shorts, not just a body suit, its more difficult than at the pool.
Ah I see the issue now. My solve is not a dress – athlete makes a skirt w shorts under I love and wear w any workout top I’m feeling at rhe moment
I believe the Abercrombie dresses have shorts that are only half-attached so you can pull them down. I also have a Target dress that has the same!
lawyers who are no longer practicing law–what type of law did you practice, what are you doing instead, how did you end up there, and do you like it? Just over here fantasizing about exit strategies on a Friday.
I practiced for about 7 years, mostly IP litigation, and am now a professional writer in a technical (STEM) niche. It was largely driven by a geographic move for my husband’s academic career to a small college town where the local law jobs were not of interest and no major city was in reasonable commuting distance (especially back when 5 days/week in the office was the norm). I did practice law here for about a year at the largest firm in town (“large” in this case being 25 attorneys, almost exclusively old, white and male) but it was a terrible fit both professionally and personally and I just wanted to get out and started applying for any job I seemed halfway qualified for. My undergrad science degree is relevant to both careers, and I sold my then-boss on having strong writing skills from law school and legal practice. It’s a very different type of writing, but if you can write, you can learn a new style quickly. I’ve been doing this for 10 years now, longer than I practiced law for, and am relatively happy.
I’m a niche lobbyist. Never practiced, just identified this niche in law school.
Maybe not relevant– I am an in-house lawyer but no longer practicing law, and did a large career pivot when I went in-house. I practiced primarily healthcare liability at firms for 8 years. Over time, for reasons, I started doing more healthcare operations work. For reasons, doing more litigation wasn’t a great fit, and there wasn’t enough operations work at my firm for it to be a larger percentage of my practice, so I was stuck in a spot where I couldn’t progress in either area. I started looking for in-house roles and found a healthcare operations role within a month. My current role involves a lot of management of contracts and people (which case management helps with). It is much less adversarial than litigation, but my experience dealing with difficult people has helped. My role is also a lot more business-oriented, which I like– my undergrad degree is in business. I have found the culture is a better fit for me as well.
I did the Thing!!!
I had been dreading that for six months.
It took under two hours.
Thank you all for the continued inspiration to go do the Thing!
Enjoy the weekend everyone!
Very sincere congrats! As a chronic avoider of the unpleasant, I know that this is a very big deal :)
Go you! Yay!
Excellent job on this wonderful Friday!
Nice!
I tried to do the thing but gave up at the 3 hour mark and now find out I’ve apparently transposed 2 numbers so I need to start over anyway. Putting in on the list for next week.
Good for you!
I did the Thing too, but it took all week.