Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Aberdeen Knit Blazer

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This bright, happy, yellow blazer is from Talbots. It’s not machine washable, unfortunately, but it does have a fun anchor-print lining and a contrast undercollar, and the knit fabric gives it a comfortable but tailored fit. All the colors (including a very nice “soft blush”) are on sale for $119 except for black, which is full price at $159. It’s got a lot of great reviews and comes in four size ranges: misses (0-20), petites, woman (12W-24W), and woman petites. Aberdeen Knit Blazer

Psst: Brooks Brothers has a killer selection of items 80% off right now — tons of shoes and bags marked from, for example, $698 down to $139. Lots of skinny belts marked to $10 and up; this purple belt was $298 and is now $58. I’m less impressed with the markdowns on the clothes, but if you’re a fan of twinsets this one is lovely.

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  1. Salt Lake? :

    I posted this yesterday afternoon and didn’t get any responses, so I thought I’d try one more time in a morning thread. I’m wondering if anyone has any experience with the Salt Lake City chapter of the Junior League? I’m thinking about joining but understand the experience you have can be really dependent on what your local chapter is like, so any thoughts would be appreciated.

    Also, aside from the Junior League question, are there other readers from Salt Lake here?

    • I used to live there!

    • I’m in SLC! I went to a social at the Junior League here and didn’t feel like it was my crowd (it was a lot less friendly than I expected, the members at my table were talking about other members behind their backs, and it felt a bit like a sorority thing). That being said, I have a co-worker and a friend who are both involved in it and seem to like it a lot.

  2. Louis Vuitton :

    There was a thread yesterday on Louis Vuitton bags and the consensus seemed to be no branding. What about LV bags in Damier Ebene (brown checks) versus the monogram print. Better? The same?

    • You do you! Honestly, I think in big cities it’s very cliché and for the younger professional who wants to look fancy. But if you are in a middle market city I think you could get away with it. I personally don’t go to something that recognizable, I would rather a nice Chloe/Tods bag.

    • Life is too short to give others this much power over your day-to-day life. In 2 years will anyone remember that you were carrying the monogram version versus the checked? It’s not like you’re wearing a Hello Kitty backpack to court. So everyone who’s acting like this is going to impact the rest of your life, chances are, they’re wrong.
      Personally, if I was doing it, I’d just get the monogram. But I don’t wear a lot of brown & I don’t like the brown shades on the Damier Ebene.

    • The consensus opinion on this website represents a very narrow demographic. If you like a bag buy it and enjoy it. Don’t seek permission here.

    • This is my perspective a trial lawyer and runs a bit contrary to what some people say with the you do you vein. When you are in front of a jury, you normally dress a certain way that it is in the best interest of your client. Nice suit, more conservative shoes and so forth. Same rule applies to purses. You do not gain anything by risking that a juror will find your purse off putting or judge you for it. Buy the nice LV purse for days you argue to the bench or for your life. Buy a plain, nice, nondescript purse for in front of the jury. If it helps, guys have nice leather bags in court, they don’t come in with an LV monogrammed messenger bag.

    • I see what the other commenters are saying, but I also do think that their comments fail to take into account that status signaling is a significant function of a heavily branded, expensive bag. So it’s important to have a sense of who you’re trying to signal to and whether they actually perceive that bag as high status or not. I’m a lawyer in DC and see the LV Neverfulls EVERYWHERE. Their perception tends to skew “lives in Chevy Chase and has 2 kids” or “this is my only designer purse and I wanted to make sure it was something everyone knows is expensive.”

      If you do a lot of business in NYC, the LV tote (whether logo’d or damier) will not signal the status that you’re looking for. If you spend most of your time in DC and you don’t mind the above perceptions, then sure, it could work for you. I’d mostly be worried that the Neverfull has reached peak saturation and really won’t last more than another year or so before it’s seen as a bit passe.

    • If you’re going to go with “heavy branding” then you NEED to execute the brand correctly or at least thoughtfully. Carrying the LV Neverfull as a professional bag to court is like ordering Sutter Homes White Zin at a great restaurant – it’s just not right. The price tag of the bag doesn’t change this fact; In fact, executing a luxury good “wrong” just b/c its expensive is gauche and suggests you are actually an outsider and don’t know what you’re doing other than wasting money.

      Now, if you want to carry a LV Neverfull with a white T-shirt, jeans, and Todd’s, that’s another matter entirely.

  3. Anonymous :

    This blazer is so pretty! I bought it and unfortunately had to return because the sleeves were too short (I’m tall), but it was really high quality.

    • I like it even tho I am blond and it is yellow, and there is viturally no contrast between the color of the blazer and the color of my hair. Therefore the manageing partner said he would NOT want to buy it for me. FOOEY!

      Anyway, I am reading about peeople who get advise from palm readers and from horascope readers, and they can tell if they are goieng to find a suitable mate. I am willing to try this if it gets me an eligible MAN. Has anyone in the hive had good (or bad) expereinces with palm readers and horascope readers they would be willing to share, even anomanously? I hope so b/c no one in my office would even consider doeing this, but they are all MARRIED already!

  4. Accessories help? :

    I bought this dress for upcoming my 5-year law school reunion but I have no idea how to accessorize it:

    I want to add more interest to the front and I love jewelry, so should I do a long necklace? A bib/collar necklace? Or should I do extra long/dramatic earrings? I could do either a metallic or a bright color, like coral or turquoise. I would probably echo whatever color I picked for jewelry in the shoes, if that’s not too uncool these days. For additional info, the event is in a New England city in June, and I’m blonde, blue-eyed, tall, and quite hourglass/curvy.

    • Anonymous :

      I think that a 5 year LS reunion means large diamond studs.

      FWIW, there is a lot of interest in the back, so I don’t think you also need it the front. If you are tall, you will be noticeable enough in this dress.

      I’m sure you will look smashing in it. [Although at my 5-year, I was chased around by a lecher who was in a much more advanced reunion year, so YMMV on looking good.]

      • Accessories help? :

        I am a small-town, small-firm lawyer, so unfortunately I do not have large diamond studs, or even small ones. Any extra money that we earn at this point that would buy a lovely pair of studs goes towards loans, savings, or retirement. I have a large pearl pair of studs, but that feels like a very “business dress” alternative since I often wear them at work.

    • Anonymous :

      I would do earrings, no necklace. Maybe a bracelet.

    • I agree with the sentiment above- earrings with no necklace. The back is beautiful and you wouldn’t want to distract from that.
      On another note… how is the quality on this dress? I’ve never heard of this site before but was just looking around and the prices are amazing! Is the material for this dress a more substantial material?

      • Accessories help? :

        The quality from Lulu’s seems hit or miss. It’s definitely targeting a young demographic but there are some real gems in there. I ordered this dress and 2 other black ones, all in-house rather than external designers. This one was the best- thick material, well-made, very substantial feeling and a knockout price. The other two were rather mediocre- they felt cheaper for sure. Given the prices, I think it’s worth taking a chance there.

        It’s also worth noting that their sizes are small/”junior’s.” I’m 5’9″ and a 10/12 and I got an XL in this.

  5. I got an email today and on one hand, I loved it. On the other hand, it made me so mad at most of the places I’ve ever worked.

    I’m (a non legal) part of a diligence team closing a big deal. Our client is a PE firm. The principal on our deal just send an email saying our meeting needs to be X morning not Y morning because he is a guest reader in his son’s class on Y morning.

    This is wonderful; I’m so happy to see someone in a job where they can prioritize family over work appropriately. However, the cynic in me started to wonder (a) what the reaction would be if a woman had sent that note and (b) if a women would have even sent that note. Would she have just said she couldn’t make it? Not done the reader thing?

    Anyway, it would have been better to have the meeting Y not X, but nothing is going to go off the rails because of it.

    • Anonymous :

      The women could say “I have a conflict for Y, so I need to move the meeting to X.” The reason for the move was extraneous, and the cynic in me says he added it because he knew it would help by giving him a sympathetic reason.

      Also, he’s the client, right? And paying the bills, so they would get more lee-way than someone on the diligence team making the same request.

      • Exactly. I don’t think this is a male / female issue but a client / client service issue. I work in client service and for important meetings, everyone (regardless of gender or level) makes themselves available whenever the C-suite/VPs say they are available.

    • My boss once sent an email on Friday afternoon (she doesn’t normally work Fridays but was chiming in on something urgent) saying ‘Signing off now as I’m due to play house with my daughter’. I loved it – I think it’s important to acknowledge we have lives and interests beyond work – whether they are kids, other caring responsibilities, pets, and hobbies.

      Yes, as a man, he probably gets bonus points for being the reader in his kid’s class but he’s hopefully more accommodating of his subordinates’ needs as a result of this perspective.

    • Anonymous :

      I would never in a million years write an email saying this. It would just be that “I have a conflict.” Maybe if I were more senior, but probably not. I do think it’s a good thing that more senior man writes this, because it helps normalize this kind of thing for the rest of us.

      • Anonymous :

        Yes, this. Never a bad thing for people higher up to go on record as doing family things and making time for them during the work day. Normalization helps.

      • He’s my client-peer in all this, so maybe that’s why it sits funny. Yes, i get the client vs internal dynamics but he and I are same level, i may technically be a bit higher up. I’m also just a little grumpy I guess since I had 2 kids vomiting all night and am headed to the airport.

    • ponte python's flying circus :

      Whom else did the email go to? Depending on the audience, I think it’s a small but valuable gesture to help normalize this stuff.

    • WestCoast Lawyer :

      I had a law firm partner once tell our client during a large M&A deal that he would be available for a call anytime over the weekend except between x and y on Saturday because he was the coach for his son’s soccer team. As a relatively junior associate I was so happy to hear him say this and, as I’ve become more senior with the ability to do so I’ve tried to do the same. We have to normalize the expectation that we have priorities outside of work that are equally as important, and while it’s great for women to do it, we need men who are willing to do the same if it’s truly going to make a lasting change.

  6. Louis Vuitton :

    There was some talk yesterday on LV bags and most people agreed it was too flashy. What about the damier ebene print (brown checks). Is that more acceptable? Or stay clear altogether?

    • IMHO, it’s better than the LV logo pattern, but still very recognizable and would convey the message “I have enough disposable income to drop $$$ on this bag and I don’t care if people think I’m nouveau riche.”

    • Never too many shoes... :

      I hate the idea that the standard LV is too anything, but maybe that is because I have both an Alma and an Artsy and I do not care. I have had the Alma for 12 years and the Artsy was an impulse buy last spring.

      My mother, on the other hand, loves the Damier and would not buy a monogram., so it just depends on what you like. Don’t listen to the haters, bags are a super personal thing.

      • I don’t think you’re necessarily a “hater” if you don’t like the logo bags. I mean, she asked what people thought and they told her.

    • I love the Damier, I think the monogram is too tacky and there are way too many fakes.

    • If you love it…. and can afford it….. Go for it.

      The logo tackiness has diluted the brand for me, and I avoid …..but I still appreciate a well made bag.

  7. I’ve been mulling over this for a few days. Do those of you who live in big cities feel safe in your surroundings? My husband and I have realized that we really don’t. We moved to a new city this year, specifically selected a safe neighborhood with a good reputation, and have been plagued with sketchy activity (most of it staying below criminal, but sketchy nonetheless). I’m talking about random people knocking on our door asking for money (or offering other sob stories), mentally illness homeless people who become aggressive, public urination on busy streets in full view of all, and the like. Thefts are extremely common and armed robberies are on the upswing. I can’t tell if I’m being naive – is this what a city in a major metropolitan area is, even in the “nice” areas? My last city, which was a bit smaller, wasn’t. It’s contributing to a low, constant level of anxiety day-to-day and I’m not sure how best to address it. It doesn’t seem entirely misplaced because we’ve had items stolen from our yard and personal encounters with far too many weirdos to count at this point, but I also need to live my life. Thoughts?

    • Anonymous :

      I grew up in NYC during the Dinkins and Koch administrations and I would be concerned if this was happening in what is considered to be a nice/safe neighborhood in your city. That, to me, sounds like a city in decline (sort of the way that I know a lot of people who live in PG County MD who would never move back to their old neighborhood in DC; same with a lot of other cities).

      In another city, I didn’t feel safe living by myself, leaving early for work and coming home by myself at 8-9 at night, alone in a row house without both a shotgun and a large dog. Which is not a good sign. I moved to a close-in suburb and lived solo (no gun or dog).

      I live in a large SEUS city now. It is not without its problems, but I have staked out a patch that is good and stable. I can even use the public schools there (not without some side eye). It really makes a difference.

      • Anonymous :

        I will say that my current SEUS city is large enough to have an NFL franchise, so YMMV for much larger cities and metro areas (NYC/Chicago/LA/SF). It does not feel large to me.

        • I’m in Houston, and I don’t worry about this much. We have someone knock on our door about once a year at night. I just don’t answer it. Of course, we are much more of a car city, so that makes it safer. I hear that we have a lot of property crime, but I don’t see it in my neighborhood (which is Montrose, sort of the trendy neighborhood with pretty expensive houses and tattoo parlors both).

      • I agree with this. Knock wood, but I live in a “safe” neighborhood in a major city, and although there’s occasional activity like what you’ve described, it is rare. For example, if UPS leaves a box on my stoop rather than at the nearby deli, it is still there several hours later when I get home (*knocks wood*).

        Now, we do have an alarm system that we use 24/7, and if there’s a rando walking down the street when I’m getting home by myself, I sometimes walk a little out of my way so I don’t unlock the door with the guy near me. I DEFINITELY don’t answer the door to anyone other than an expected delivery or known neighbor. But I don’t actively worry about petty crime.

    • I’ve lived in NYC for over 10 years. I couldn’t live in a situation/neighborhood like you describe for an instant…so it’s definitely not a universal big city thing. It sounds awful and stressful and would make me move–and I don’t live in a rich/fancy part of town.

      So I’m not sure if you picked a neighborhood that wasn’t quite what you thought it was, are living in the sketchy part of a neighborhood that’s otherwise nicer, or are living in a city that behaves differently to NYC…but if you lived here, I’d tell you to explore some neighborhoods you like/can afford and get a nuanced understanding of them (the boundaries, what they’re like early morning and late night) and then move to a different area.

      • Sunscreen / Scalp :

        I live in NYC in a “nice” area – but with close proximity to less nice neighborhoods – and I don’t have the problems the OP is facing either. Yes, there are occasional things, but not that frequently.

      • Some of this really depends on specifics. My sister in law moved into a beach community for her retirement to find that her next door neighbors – renters had drugs, alcohol and parties going on that drove up her anxiety. The other neighbors were already calling the police as needed, and she looked up the landlord and filled them in on what was going on. It took two months of holding the line on expected behavior, but it turned around. She also worked with her local community mediation center with a few other neighbors in that block (renters and owners). Once they got to talking they went on to strengthen their sense of belonging and got more comfortable drawing the line on or re-directing behavior – the whole neighborhood improved.

        Talk to your neighbors who care. They are out there. That will ease some of your concerns. And – this strategy works just about anywhere you live.

    • We live in a marginal area – it’s a new development and involves a mix of public housing and homeowners which I think is fantastic, it’s important to provide housing for people whose life circumstances haven’t worked out and it makes it more affordable for young families buying their first place. But they haven’t addressed the deprivation that exists in the surrounding communities.

      We’ve had a burglary which is fairly common in an urban area but the most common issue is petty nonsense with local groups of teens – harassment, a bit of vandalism. They also like to beat up on each other and set fire to bins. I find this most frustrating, partially because it brings my left-wing leanings (these kids are misunderstood, someone should talk to them) with my desire to feel safe and secure at home (turf them out, charge them with hate crimes) and my concern about the neighbours who have been targeted on the basis of their religion or ethnicity.

      I address these concerns by calling the police (non-emergency) and contacting local councillors when things happen and encouraging my neighbours to do the same as people have a tendency to put their heads down and pretend they didn’t see anything. I’m pretty sure I’m that annoying woman but it makes me feel proactive and squeaky wheel and all that. The kids know that we’ll take photos and call the police so they’ve largely left us alone.

      • I think that is part of my problem – reconciling my progressive beliefs and my work (where I deal with a lot of these issues) with my personal anger about my safety and space feeling violated. It’s a new feeling. I grew up in a middle class small town where you left your doors unlocked; there were a few people around that everyone knew to avoid or keep at arm’s length, but there wasn’t that sense of violation and constant anxiety. There were plenty of pockets of deep poverty in my town – a lot smaller than in the city, to be sure, but why is the city so different? I see immense struggles around me that are manifesting in a far more violent way than I have known before.

      • I live in a similar area but in the US – I would never call the cops on a young black man in this country unless I thought someone was about to suffer serious harm. I solve this problem by getting to know my neighbors. If a kid is acting out I know where there parents/guardians live and can go talk to them, or more likely, can just say “I know your mom” and they will stop. I know you live outside the US so calling the police is a totally different story. I just don’t trust the police in my city, or anywhere in this country, to respond proportionately to non white teenagers engaging in normal mischief. I also wouldn’t call the police on someone smoking marijuana outside, which is probably the most common petty crime in my neighborhood, because I don’t think it should be illegal at all. It’s definitely a lot more work to know my neighborhood and be able to talk to people about these issues instead of the police, but I think its worth the effort, and also my responsibility as a white person who has moved into a gentrifying neighborhood.

        • And to respond to the OP – petty theft, car break ins, some drugs on the street – those things all seem normal to an urban area and also pretty easy to tune out and take basic precautions against. People asking you for money and harassing you does seem like something worse and a city on the decline like NY in the 70s. I would be much more concerned about the direct interactions rather than the petty crime

        • Such a good point and one that I didn’t think of as the regular police don’t have guns here. Thanks for that reminder.

          In these circumstances, I do feel an obligation to call – although I’m an immigrant, I’m middle class, white, speak the language fluently and am likely to be taken seriously. If I see you throwing rocks at a woman wearing a hijab or targeting the property of Polish families, I’m going to use that privilege to try and stop you. If I could go to their parents with the confidence that their parents would respond positively / not with violence, I would.

          • Yeah its so so different in Europe vs. the US – I wish we had an unarmed community group to call here for issues like this! In my city in particular we will get 4+ cop cars rolling up for a simple traffic stop or stop and frisk (its happened to a lot of my friends) so I am really wary of ever calling the police about anything. It’s just for me to imagine anything but a life threatening situation requiring a response like that. The situations you’re describing are really different and absolutely warrant a real response – I am more dealing with kids throwing rocks at abandoned houses, smoking joints on public steps, breaking into cars, etc. Mostly victimless and non violent crimes.

    • I lived in DC until last year (and still work here – I just moved out to the suburbs) and it’s definitely not like that where I lived or where my friends still live (admittedly all “nice” areas). But I could definitely see that in a gentrifying area.

      • Baconpancakes :

        Even when I lived in a not-so-nice part of DC (Shaw), I never experienced people knocking on the door asking for money or saw public urination on my street. A couple times a year, mentally ill people would yell at me on my street as we passed each other, but other than the initial fear that comes from getting obscenities hurled at you, I was never actually in fear of violence. Walking down the street, even after dark, I never felt threatened. I got come-ons from the guys who always hung out at the corner store, but again, never felt threatened, and once politely rebuffed, they just said hi, nice weather, have a good day and left it at that.

        LOTS of car break-ins, but as long as you didn’t leave anything in view in the car, your car wouldn’t be touched. Lots of package stealing, but I attributed that to the high school around the corner from my house.

        In the nice DC neighborhood I lived in (Capitol Hill), the only thing that happened was a car break-in during a snowstorm. For your general question, yes, some of this is just what happens in a city. You can’t control people, and there will always be some people who don’t act the way we’d like (public urination, soliciting, etc). It’s a shame we can’t all have nice, safe suburban neighborhoods with a neighborhood watch and plenty of street parking, but that kind of living is neither environmentally sustainable for the globe nor affordable for everyone, and when you have people in a dense area, there’s going to be annoyances and even small lawbreaking. This isn’t to scold or shame you, I totally get the sudden shock of a different environment, and I love my new small city where everything is super safe.

        This might not be me explaining myself well enough, but I think it’s a good exercise in empathy to accept that you don’t “deserve” more than basic safety, and that personal property in semi-common areas becomes public property. Even more, many people don’t have the means to leave a bad neighborhood, and they have no choice but to put up with other people. You can leave, if you choose, or you can help make the neighborhood better.

        For your immediate problem, I’d say put some time in to get to know one or two of your long-standing resident neighbors. See if that helps things at all (it often does). If you still don’t feel safe, you can move. Not everyone has as high a perceived risk threshold and that’s ok.

    • Never too many shoes... :

      I live in Toronto, which is a big city by any standard, I think. While there are obviously good and bad parts among millions of people, I have never felt unsafe in a “nice” or even “nice-ish” area.

    • We live in DC in a very safe neighborhood but of course it’s still urban and when we walk to the metro we do see homeless people, etc. But definitely not those knocking on my door or public urination or anything close to that. I feel extremely safe. I don’t blame you for feeling unsafe.

    • Chicagoan here. If you watched the news and never visited you’d think it was nonstop gunfire here (and it is, in some neighborhoods), but I live in a very green, pleasant neighborhood and there are virtually never people that make me feel uncomfortable. I love it and I feel very safe. The worst thing that’s happened is someone once cut my state license plate sticker off. It was annoying, but hardly scary.

      If where you live is contributing to this kind of anxiety, you should move. Life is too short to feel this way! And even in rougher cities, I think there are nicer neighborhoods where you can avoid these problems in your day-to-day life.

      Can you say which city or neighborhood you’re in? Might help us for context.

    • I have lived in “nice” and “borderline” areas of cities for much of my life and none of this is normal for a “safe” neighborhood, imo. And I have a generous definition of safe. I currently live in a residential but gentrifying area in NYC and have never had anything like that happen to me.

      Door knocking solicitors and aggressive panhandlers would make me feel less safe on a daily basis, compared to frequent low-level petty crime (stealing packages, etc.) which I consider more just “part of the deal” depending on what kind of area you live in.

    • I live in DC in a gentrifying area. Its also an area where single family homes sell for $650-800K, so I think most people think of it as “nice”. Its been gentrifying for a while, but there are still significant issues. Once I came home to find a homeless man sleeping on my front porch. We get strangers knocking on the door asking for money or to use the bathroom or pretending to be with a utility provider from time to time. We occasionally have problems with public urination in our alley. I know our local drug dealer, he rides a bike and I see him most days. Sometimes he hangs out at the metro. As best I can tell he only sells weed and most of his customers are older folks in the neighborhood. Most of that stuff I think is sort of normal city life and while annoying I don’t find particularly threatening and it doesn’t make me feel unsafe. To the extent it matters I am a petite woman who looks young despite being in my mid-30s.

      Recently we had a significant shooting within a mile of my house where more than 30 casings were found in the street. Luckily no one was hurt, but it happened at 4pm or so. Within the last 18 months or so we had a home invasion that resulted in a brutal rape, also during the day. A man was brutally beaten by a group of teenagers at the metro, again around 4pm. These things bother me more. But I know our local police lieutenant and think they are generally on top of the actual serious crimes.

      It does change the way you live a bit. I don’t open the door for people I don’t know. I don’t take the metro home after 9pm or so. I try to avoid walking the dog (not a large or scary dog) after 10pm and do all night walks on streets where I know at least one neighbor. So while I appreciate that a lot of people wouldn’t feel comfortable with that its not all bad. On the plus side it has made me go out and meet my neighbors so I know where I’m going if there is a problem. I’m much more involved in the immediate community and working with folks to address the problems. I patronize all the local businesses even though sometimes they aren’t convenient or are more expensive because they add to the community. I love that my neighbors sit on their porches in the evening to look out for one another.

      So that’s kind of a long way of saying I think you need to make some changes to your daily life so you don’t feel unsafe on a daily basis and also to continue to be involved in your community (as you are doing) to work for the changes you want. Also, as a side effect of that you’ll meet more people which might contribute to your overall feeling of safety.

    • I live in what I consider to be a small city and am probably not the norm, but this kind of thing happens in my neighborhood and I do not feel unsafe, but what I feel doesn’t matter for your comfort level. If you feel unsafe, you should move. If you really love the area and want to help try to make it more safe, stay and try to increase community involvement.

      We have the random money knocks, the neighborhood drunks, the neighborhood nuisance bar. I don’t answer the door for the money knocks and I am nice to whomever I see on the street, so I get to know faces and who belongs in the ‘hood. A couple weeks ago we had a drug related jump turned murder a block away from my house. I saw what ended up being the perps right before it happened and (go ahead and jump on me) KNEW something bad was going to happen. I was so close to calling the cops but heard the gunshot right before I stepped out to go for a run. I immediately heard sirens (they pulled the guy out of a car to jump him before they shot him so I assume someone called when they saw that) and ran out to meet the cops and give them my statement re: the suspects. The cops ended up catching both suspects FWIW.

      At any rate, the reason I still feel safe is that things like drug crime are not random crime. I also have lived long enough in my neighborhood to know who is from the area and who is not and to have seen it improve markedly from when I moved in 10 years ago. We also have a really good community where people talk to each other and use NextDoor to communicate. I live alone and feel safe. HOWEVER, none of this matters if you do not feel safe in your neighborhood.

      • After reading the post above me, I do a lot of those things too. I am not out in the streets after 10 p.m., which is fine by me as I try to be in bed before that anyway! I never wear headphones while I am walking around. I never answer the door unless it’s someone I know. I know all of the neighbors on my block and almost all of the ones in the surrounding three block area, as well. I also patronize the local businesses and watch out for any suspicious activity in the ‘hood which gets reported to the non-emergency line if it’s not an emergency so the police can collect data points.

      • I agree that drug crime isn’t random. The stuff that happens at 3am in a bar parking lot doesn’t really put me at risk.

        BUT addicts often rob to support their habit and they often rob in their neighborhood (rather than travel to more fruitful areas for breaking in and stealing). So there’s that.

        Also, my sense is that the older criminals are generally better at their trade. Show me some teens and they are impulsive and not good shots. Bad at their trade; terrorize the little old ladies and won’t even move over on the sidewalk to let them pass. We have lots of people get hit with stray bullets (even firing in the air at 4th of July) and if they aren’t killed, their lives are just torn up, as are their families’ lives (one man now needs 24/7 nursing care — how is his family supposed to survive (he was the breadwinner and his wife is a SAHM woman still learning English, their children aren’t school-aged yet so are at home, too)).

        • Interestingly, the teens in my area of the city are often the ones who commit the most violent attacks. Naive or not, I feel more comfortable approaching a single unknown person than a group of teens who are verbally harassing (as is often the case). I certainly won’t disagree with you re: addicts and robberies, but for whatever reason, in my part of the city, it’s very rare. The murders from the incident a couple of weeks ago were not from our area and they specifically lured the victim (also not from our area) to our neighborhood. That also provides me with some comfort, which admittedly could be misplaced. I know the various blocks pretty well and there will be three in a row where I am comfortable and one I will walk around because of feel. So far it’s worked out okay for me. I also always set my alarm when I am home (and obviously when I leave).

          At the end of the day though, my comfort level for various activities shouldn’t influence the OP’s.

          • We did have a parole officer who was shooting dogs right on the street a while back. He lived in the neighborhood and was just gun happy. He shot a dog which was running away and which the owner’s kid was chasing to try to catch (it had escaped from the house). Now THAT sort of idiot scares me.

          • I hope the parole officer was 1) prosecuted and 2) lost his job.

          • ELS, nope, not that I am aware of. He argued he was protecting people because the dogs were dangerous (false).

          • The statistics bear out that young teens are higher risk than older ones. They push the envelope on behaviors and if they live through it, are wiser as older teens. Mortality rates for younger teens are generally higher for challenging the wrong person, or not managing an impulse well. Not talking about driving here.

    • I live in a big city that’s been in headlines for the past year. I feel safe in my surroundings, but am also smart about it. I know the data at a pretty specific level (which for me helps curb irrational fear), I know where to go when and where to avoid, and I take reasonable precautions to protect myself and my property. I can’t ensure that I’ll be protected from random bad things happening, but I think that’s getting harder to do anywhere in the country (rural, suburban, or urban). And I love living in the city. For me, the benefits of what I get from living here far outweigh the risks, but I realize others might not feel the same.

    • This is a complicated answer. First, I would consider what Blue suggest above, that you may have actually chosen a neighborhood that is on the edge, or not quite as “nice” as you thought.

      However, in my city, what you described above absolutely happens in the “nice” neighborhoods. But I have never felt unsafe. I do what Cb does above, and call the police if I think any behavior is an actual danger to that person or others around them. I think moving from county to city, or smaller to larger city absolutely takes adjustment.

      I do understand the uneasy feeling and having things stolen out of your yard – and I’ll admit it is one of the reasons I moved from renting a home to renting inside an apartment complex. That was my only real concern though, and it was more that it was inconvenient and I didn’t want to deal with logistics of breakins/thefts that could happen.

      If this is causing anxiety, maybe consider an apartment or condo complex for peace of mind, but long story short I do think in some cities, this is going to happen in all parts of the city, just in varying degrees.

    • Depends on the city. I felt far safer living in NYC than I did in the small city (~150k) I grew up in. NYC had its panhandlers (though not terribly aggressive ones) and public urination, and minor things like package/bike thefts, but those I consider pretty standard for city living, and we didn’t have much major crime in my neighborhood. On the other hand, I know someone who was kidnapped at gunpoint in my hometown during a home robbery, and multiple home break ins, armed robberies, etc. DC I felt less safe, but I think mainly because there weren’t as many people around after dark as in NYC. So yea. Very town specific.

      • Agree on DC feeling a little less safe cause fewer people are around. Otherwise it seems comparable to NYC, if you match up the neighborhoods.

      • Agreed. I felt much safer living in NYC than in the small city I’m currently in.

    • This can be so neighborhood dependent.

      I’ve lived in LA for the past seven years. I lived in an apartment in Hollywood for a while and eventually moved in part because I didn’t feel safe – I was right off Hollywood Blvd and there were so many fights/stabbings/aggressive homeless people. I moved to another neighborhood that wasn’t particularly nice but was quieter. Sometimes friends would comment to me that the neighborhood was sketchy (for example, every house on my block had bars on the first-floor windows) but my street was lovely and I always felt pretty safe. Occasionally there was some shady activity – people hanging out on the corner late at night, cops showing up to have long talks with people – but never any violence or people bothering me. There was an elementary school down the street so if I had the windows open during the day, I basically heard a constant soundtrack of kids laughing and playing, so that was nice. It felt very neighborhood-y.

      Then I moved to a much nicer neighborhood near the beach, which is where I live now. Ugh. My car has been broken into, my bike has been stolen, people’s cars in the garage in our complex have been broken into, there are occasional reports of people being mugged nearby… I think sometimes in large cities, nice-ish areas can attract more crime, especially nice areas that are still pretty dense and the cops can’t just cruise around watching for suspicious behavior.

      This is a long comment, but all this to say that I don’t think big city / small city matters, or necessarily even how “nice” your neighborhood is. There are so many factors that go into feeling safe.

      • I agree.

        It is important to develop street sense if choosing to live in a city. Basic choices like paying attention to your surroundings instead of being engrossed by your smartphone, never leaving your front door unlocked just for a minute to step outside, learning about the rhythms of your neighborhood, and befriending the old-timers can help.

      • newbinlaw :

        In LA and so curious what the quieter neighborhood was!

        • This is late so hopefully you’ll check back on this post – this was in Mid-City, that vague neighborhood south of Miracle Mile / Hancock Park… I lived on St. Elmo Drive between Venice Blvd and Washington Blvd. I miss that neighborhood and also just living on a street called St. Elmo Drive!

          • newbinlaw :

            I did happen to check back! I know the area exactly. I could definitely see how visitors would be sketched out but you loved it… I actually lived on an outskirt of Hancock Park myself for several years & fell in love with the area :)

    • I live in a gentrifying area and we’ve had some of that – petty theft, public urination, agressive panhandlers. Our previous apartment was robbed (although thankfully we were students and there wasn’t much to take). I don’t feel as unsafe as you describe, but I’m in Canada so the likelihood of gun violence is much smaller. It bugs me, especially when people steal the flowers I put on the balcony and the like, but I accept that we moved to this area because of the proximity to public transport and cheap rent and this is the price to pay to some extent. I also have tried to be a positive force in my community, as someone mentioned above: I am friendly with my neighbours, patronise local business as much as possible, and help out the nicer panhandlers. I don’t open my door for strangers though and it really bugs me when my SO (who grew up in an affluent suburb) forgets to lock the door at night. So there is no perfect answer to this, but it you feel really unsafe, maybe the area isn’t right for you.

    • I grew up in a large city and feel safer in urban areas. When I lived in a more spacious house with a chunk of land, I couldn’t sleep because it was too isolated.

    • I live on the edge of a nice area in Houston, and I would say I have experienced most of what you describe. It doesn’t really make me feel unsafe though. Occasionally randoms knock on my door. I just don’t answer it. My SO’s car was broken into (driver’s side window knocked out) when it was parked on the street, and on that same night a few other cars in the surrounding area were also hit. I’ve had a bike stolen. There’s an apartment complex across the street and most Saturday mornings around 7 when my dog makes me get up to take her out to the bathroom there’s a guy in there going through the trash. There was a home invasion on my street when one of my neighbor’s was home within the last year. There’s a spot on my bike route to work where homeless people congregate, and I see them frequently downtown where I work.

      But, I honestly just don’t feel that any of this really impacts my safety. I don’t feel like petty theft and violent crime are that closely related. In fact I doubt most people who are steeling bikes or breaking into cars want to interact with their owners at all, much less violently. What they want is a quick buck. I think most homeless people, even those who are shouting and gesticulating, are basically harmless and probably in need of assistance more than anything else.

      I think you’re the only person who can decide if your area is safe _enough_ for you, but what you’re describing doesn’t really sound that unsafe to me. It sounds un_pleasant_, but I don’t view those as the same.

    • Serious recommendation- consider a dog. I had those same feelings, though milder, and they went away the weekend we brought our dog home. I had no fears that strangers were going to break in, kill my dog and rob/r*pe/murder me, just that our house would be burgled or car stolen.

      My dog is friendly, but black with a loud WOOF. No persons of questionable intentions hang near our place anymore. He also alerts me when someone is at the door (quick bark, nothing obnoxious) so I don’t get surprised by the UPS guy or whatever. Plus, walking a dog at night is way better than walking alone.

    • I live in Boston, in Brighton by the Brookline border. It’s a relatively nice area, but that doesn’t guarantee safety. I once had a guy in an RCN (cable and internet provider) uniform just come into my apartment while I was in the bathroom. I reported the incident to RCN but never found out if he was a legit employee desperate for a signup, a fake looking to case the building, or a real employee who was using his legit access to scope out people’s apartments. Definitely made me start locking my door when I was home, just in case.

      In general, as long as people adhere to some basic safety measures, the likelihood of anything bad happening is very slim. Also, renter’s insurance is cheap.

    • Seventh Sister :

      I live in West LA, and my area feels very safe. It’s not as ritzy as some nearby areas, and while we’ve had some robberies, I don’t think it’s as much of a target as some of the posher areas. Plus we aren’t a big tourist area, and folks asking for money or other help seem to congregate in more touristy places. Friends around Venice and Hollywood definitely have more run-ins with people doing things like urinating in public, screaming obscenities at them and their kids, etc. LA is a big city that is underpoliced relative to its population. There’s also a housing crisis, and the weather is such that you aren’t likely to freeze to death.

      I’ve lived all over the city, and the only time I didn’t feel comfortable walking around my own neighborhood in the evening was when I lived around USC (but much of that was since it was basically deserted after dark in the late 1990s). My risk tolerance is probably on the high end of average, but aside from the odd car break-in and witnessing a single violent crime* in 20 years here, I don’t think I’ve been wrong. I’m more apprehensive about driving through the countryside near my parents’ place, because concealed carry and gun ownership are easy-peasy in their red region.

      I rarely give people money if they ask on the street and generally don’t open the door to any solicitor (though I don’t get a whole lot of them).

      *In that case, it was in broad daylight, and the perpetrators were almost immediately caught and promptly prosecuted.

      • Anonymous BigLaw Associate :

        I think I live in a similar West LA neighborhood. Also feel very safe and can’t really think of time where I experienced anything the OP describes. So not all urban neighborhoods are like that. My kids walk to school on their own, and I definitely feel comfortable going to and from my garage at night alone.

        That being said, I am glad we don’t park on the street and live in a building with gated entry. Property crime is a thing here, and I would prefer not to make it easier on the robbers/burglars.

      • We just moved to West LA, and I think I live in a pretty similar neighborhood. We just moved here from Orange County, so LA “feels” a bit more dangerous to me, even though I know logically I’m probably fine in our neighborhood.

        Also, if there’s any interest in a West LA meetup, let me know! I could use some friends here.

        • Seventh Sister :

          One thing that decreased my stress levels a ton was switching from watching the local news to reading the LA Times and a few blogs (Curbed LA) to stay current on local issues. Local LA news, whenever I catch it at the gym, seems like the original, “if it bleeds it leads.”

          Let’s do a meetup! I’m interested. How should we plan?

          • We had a group with a few meet-ups. Was it Senior Attorney arranging them? It’s been a couple of years…

          • Senior Attorney :

            I arranged the last one but it was kind of a bust. SoCalAtty was doing them but she got distracted when she had a baby, but I saw her over the weekend (BILLY JOEL AT DODGER STADIUM FOR THE WIN!!!) and we were talking about doing one soon!

            Let me ping her…

          • Yes! Let’s rope in all these Westsiders!

  8. Anonymous :

    anyone have the block heel from everlane? it looks SO cute but I suspect that their shoes are built on the narrow side because I wear a regular width almost everywhere else but the heeled boot I got from everlane squeezes the toe box. tl;dr I just want to know if they are worth trying on at least

    • Maddie Ross :

      I don’t have that shoe, but Everlane shoes run small and narrow.

    • I don’t think they restock until July 31st at least. I had tried to get them originally in April and they pushed back the original restock date of May
      I emailed customer service and they said they fit more TTS than their loafers which required going up a full size to fit.
      I am very tempted but given stock issues, might look for an alternative.

  9. Calling Truth About Tote Bags :

    Yesterdays comment about how professional bags are more structured, and tote bags are more casual rang true with me.

    What other “truths” about dressing are there?

    • Anonymous :

      Hannibal was right — everybody notices when you need a shoe refresh. [Although they can be inexpensive if they are in excellent condition. Inexpensive and cheap are not always 100% overlapping IMO.]

      • +1

        My embarrassing shoe story – another woman and I realized we were wearing the same black Cole Haan pumps and agreed that they were our go-to shoes and so great, blah blah blah… then I looked down and realized that hers were beautifully polished and cared for, while mine were scuffed and needed new tips. I was definitely the “before” in a before and after picture. I took them to the cobbler on my way home from work that day.

    • What is a professional bag???? Totes hold my computer and files, by definition, making them professional.

      • Not if it your tote is covered in purple glitter cats.

        • Right, but that wasn’t what the other poster said. She said that totes were cheap and not professional because they were not briefcases.

          That said: I have a leather structured tote from Kate Spade that stands on its own, and has held its shape and structure for the three years I have carried it (every day) to and from work. It goes to court, meetings, etc. The poster from yesterday can pry it out of my cold, dead hands.

      • Anonymous BigLaw Associate :

        Yeah, I don’t get this either and sometimes what is “professional” on this blog gets a little crazy. “Briefcases” would definitely not hold all of the stuff I need on a regular basis. A structured, leather tote lets me have room for my laptop, a few binders/redwells, notepads, wallet, phone, etc. I use a plain Ferragamo one, and can’t imagine why this is unprofessional.

        And if my tote won’t hold everything, which is often the case for depos and some hearings, I will also use (gasp) a rolling bag designed to hold voluminous files. Complete with expander zippers! And I have used a dolly with bankers boxes of documents. I am sure someone would view all of these things as unprofessional, but practicality sometimes has to trump “professionalism.” It just has to.

    • It’s of course subjective, like all such “truths”, but here’s a rule I find useful: If you are going for a chic, polished look, never wear more than 2 colors (including shoes, clothing, and accessories with the exception of metal).

      • Actually, I think that you need 3 colors, but one should be a neutral (black, white, or tan), and not in a color-blocky sort of way. Two colors seems a little harsh sometimes (black and red, black and cobalt, black and navy, black and burgundy) especially with black stuff and doubly so in the winter.

        Like black pants, white blouse, scarf that has either black or white in it and one (or two) additional colors (I think for each neutral, you could go up to 4 total).

        • Baconpancakes :

          Yes, but with the caveat that the third color can be in jewelry, a bag/shoes, or even a bright lipstick! It can be pretty subtle and still look great. Today I’m in navy trousers, a navy and white blouse, and navy wedges, but with chunky amethyst earrings.

          However, when I’m wearing a bright color, like a cobalt sheath dress, it’s cobalt and one neutral with metal jewelry or cobalt blue jewelry all the way.

          • I agree — it’s hard to put the formula into words, but this is a good refinement.

    • The shorter the skirt or dress (or shorts for that matter), the flatter the shoe should be.

      • Calling Truth About Tote Bags :

        Maybe by truth I should have said “looking polished”. A structured briefcase/laptop purse looks much more polished than a shapeless tote bag….

        I feel like it has taken me a long time to figure out what looks good… I am short (5’1″) and curvy (athletic X shape I guess – I have broad shoulders, a large bust and bottom, small waist) A solid M generally, but am prob an 8P for pants, size 6 for dresses usually… It is really hard for me to find stuff in stores that fit/flatter lately… everything is so baggy/shapeless and I’m finding my usual size M tops are huge.

        So I’ve been going back to basics… about what simple outfits look better. I think more classic/simple. Anything oversized or shapeless makes me look 20+ lbs heavier than I am…

    • I have a Dagne laptop tote and I think it looks structured and professional.

    • In-House in Texas :

      One of my truths, although I know some will disagree and say it depends on the office… is that a professional shoe should not be open in the front and back. This means sandals are not appropriate for an office. A peep toe is fine, or a mule (and of course a regular pump/wedge).

    • A few truths of mine:

      Never buy cheap fabric in any color other than black. I’ve noticed that cheap, colored fabric looks cheap, while cheap black fabric just looks… black.

      Neutral polished makeup and styled hair immediately elevate whatever you’re wearing. It took me ages to figure out how to look “polished” and it turned out the secret was a 5 minute makeup routine and a good haircut that I keep trimmed regularly.

      Wear a necklace and earrings every day. I find that tasteful jewelry makes a big difference in how polished I look.

      Blazers that look good with pants are very different from blazers that look good with sheath dresses. My pants blazers are cut longer, with one button. My dress blazers are shorter in the back, taper a little longer in the front, and are open front.

      • Also, if you’re someone who wears a lot of dark colors and dark shoes, black hose looks much better than nude hose.

      • Baconpancakes :

        It has taken me so long to accept that if I want a navy blazer to wear as part of a suit and over dresses, I have to buy two blazers. Sigh. My minimalist self hates it, but here it is.

    • Lorelai Gilmore :

      When I was a first-year in college, I realized that all of these East Coast girls were so much more polished than California me. I invented a set of Rules for Being Put Together. I don’t remember them all now, but some of them that have stuck are:

      Sunglasses and lipstick = Instant Glam.
      The shorter the skirt, the flatter the shoe.
      The wider the pant leg, the higher the heel.
      The elegance of the outfit is set by the elegance of the shoe.
      Treat black as a color in your outfit, not as a default.
      One piece of your outfit should be fitted – think drapey blouse with fitted pants, or a figure-skimming sweater set with wide-legged pants.

      • Calling Truth About Tote Bags :

        Love all of these…. I feel like I’m still figuring out…and I should have a long time ago!

    • There are always exceptions to “rules” today I am wearing a croptop to work. In fact some of my fave tops are crop top worn over a very high waisted knit pencil skirt.

  10. This is always such a wonderful spot for travel recommendations so I’m taking advantage of it again! I’m heading to Naples and Amalfi next month with a friend and would love any tips/recs/must see spots/etc! Not much of a foodie–although excited for all the pizza!–but I love history/archeology, wine, and walks. We’re not renting a car, so we’ll be going by bus and boat.


    • I love Naples! Go to Cappella Sansevero in Naples. Amazing sculptures that have haunted me for years. I also really enjoyed taking the train out to Pompeii and seeing the ruins.

    • Based on your interests you may be planning it anyway- but National Archaeological Museum in Naples is fabulous!

    • LondonLeisureYear :

      Pizza Places:
      L’Antica Pizzeria da Michele, the place that got mentioned in Eat Pray Love, so now the lines are pretty crazy -this was probably my favorite pizza of the trip. We split a Margherita and a Marina (no cheese).

      Pizzeria Starita – My husbands favorite pizza of the trip.Get the ricotta stuffed squash blossoms. We also tried deep fat fried pizza here. They deep fat fry the crust before they wood fire it. Decadent. If you are wondering what makes pizza Neapolitan style pizza this is a good website:

      Antica Pizzeria Port’Alba is the oldest Neapolatian pizza place continuously running in the city. Not our favorite frankly out of the 3 pizza places in one weekend!

      Other food: Il Vero Bar Del Professore for sfogliatella pastries and a Caffè nocciolato which is espresso with hazelnut cream (YUM)

      Pompeii Thoughts
      -I have been dreaming about Pompeii since I was a little kid. Hey, I was the kid who had the 4th grade archeological themed birthday party. I would read all about it in books. So it was great to be there and to see the things I had read about in person

      -Its huge. I had no idea how big it was. We could have spent hours and hours going around.

      -Its amazing to see all the details that they had back then that you can still see. Like white rocks in the road to catch the light at night to help guide the path or you can see the rocks with holes in the side that they had to tie the animals too. Its crazy to walk through the site and think of people way back then walking through it and living their life.

      Debbie Downer Downsides:

      -Pompeii is not being kept up at all. It killed killed killed me to see the piles of artifacts just piled together and not really preserved at all. There is not enough money going into this operation. Its falling apart. People are slowly destroying it over time. Apparently only 1/3 of Pompeii is available to public now a days as compared to in 1960. So even though the site is huge, there used to be more that you could go see. But seriously. Raise the entrance fees, do something to raise a bit more money.

      -As a museum it sucks. For example they are out of maps for the season. FOR THE SEASON?!? Why don’t you make them a ton of them and charge 2 euros for them and make some money from it because there is no way 1 brochure costs 2 euros to make and people will buy them because hey they want a guide around the place. Thankfully I had read that this tends to happen and bought a Pompeii guide book on Amazon and it came with a map. –

      -There is an audio guide, but I have heard really bad things about it. So we skipped it.

      -We also skipped the guided tours. You can hire a guide for 2 people for 100 euros for a 2 hour tour. I read REALLY mixed reviews of guides on the interwebs, so we decided to skip it. In fact we heard guides telling their tours false information so, probably a good idea. These are not official guides they just hang around the site.

      -But beyond that there were very few signs or explanations or historical context given by the site itself. Good thing we had the Pompeii guide book which guided us through everything.

      -Most of the artifacts/art/mosaics have been removed and are now in a museum in Naples. We went there too but without the two you are really left with half a picture of the thing.

      -LAST COMPLAINT – you don’t really find out what parts are restored (ie new) what is actually there from the past. It drove me crazy to be like “wow that’s really cool…but I kept thinking…is that just a recreation of what they think it looked like like or is that preserved from back then”

      Museo Archeologico Nazionale-
      This Museum again is UNDER FUNDED. They have to close off chunks of the museum during the day because they don’t have enough funding to hire people to man it. UGHS. Check before you go about what parts will be open that day and when. We had to quickly run through the Pompeii exhibits before they got closed. Again the whole time I was like “I can’t believe these rare items are being kept in this condition.” The museum is not air conditioned, the windows are just open. Light damage, temperature damage at every turn. We did do the audio tour for this one which was nice because the plaques for the most part were not in English. I do enjoy using the Word Lens app on my phone sometimes to help me figure out what is being said in Italian. Our guide book also gave us a “quick major hits” tour so we knew which pieces to see and what order to do it in.

      Sorry this is so long!!! But make sure to take the time to go to Capri!

      • I’ll add to this. We LOVED Herculaneum. Also, because we got so wrapped up in Herculaneum, we didn’t make it to Pompeii until mid-afternoon. By then, all the cruise ship tourists had left, and we had the place basically to ourselves, which was awesome. I think we did the audio guide in Herculaneum and really enjoyed that, but we just wandered around Pompeii with a guide book by ourselves.

    • LondonLeisureYear :

      I posted a huge long post that got put in moderation. So come back later. It includes pizza recs and the recommendation to buy a guidebook for Pompeii before you leave on your trip because there are no signs or maps so you won’t know what you are looking at if you don’t.

      • I see it! Thank you so, so much for taking the time to share such a great list! I was definitely planning on Pompeii so this is particularly valuable insight. It’ll be good to go in better prepared.

        I’m planning one eating my way through ever pizzeria in Italy and will definitely check out those spots! Thanks a million!

    • Anonymous :

      Consider taking a boat to Capri one day. The touristy part of Capri is . . . touristy, but I found the trip there and the view from the top (after taking the chair lift) to be my favorite memories. If I were to go back, I would hike up.

  11. Cookbooks :

    It’s supposed to go up to 87 today, and the building I work in is about 100 years old with the A/C currently not working. It’s a fairly casual office, so I’m wearing a sleeveless sheath and ditched the cardigan.

    How do you keep cool in the office when this happens? Usually I’m freezing to death from the A/C/

    • Anonymous :

      I admit to feeling a little smug that you’re having this experience — this is how I feel most of the time, when all the women around me are saying they’re freezing to death. But “smug” probably isn’t my better self. : )

      Anyway, sleeveless, cold drinks, kick off your shoes under your desk. Go work in a conference room if it happens to be cooler in there. Bring in a fan for tomorrow, if necessary. If it gets really bad, go bathe your wrists and neck in cold water. Unlike being cold, where you can add layers and use a space heater, there’s not much you can do for too hot.

    • I keep a little fan under my desk. (It’s beside my mini heating pad (it’s about 8 inches square) that I use a mini electric blanket when I get cold ;) )

      • Second the fan. Fans make a huge difference.

      • I do have a little fan at home! I had totally forgotten about it. It’s definitely coming in with me tomorrow. ( I also keep a blanket in the office for when it’s cold!)

    • We either didn’t have AC or it just worked really poorly in my 90-year-old client site at my last job.

      (Professional) sandals. Dresses. Breathable materials. And yes, lots of cold water.

      I run hot all the time and have never found an office, apartment or hotel room too hot for me.

  12. Paging ITDS :

    Any news? I hope things went okay last night.

    • I was going to paste an update in the afternoon, when I may have more juicy details! When he got home I brought up the email – introducing it compassionately based on advice here – I described it as an “alarming email” and said it was not something I necessarily believed. His reaction was puzzlement. I suggested he reach out to his former co-worker (the supposed affair partner) and see if she had any insights. He said he would. He ate his dinner, and fell asleep 20 minutes later in his lazy boy chair.

      This was very reassuring, as I honestly don’t see how someone who fears that proof of an affair is about to come out would be so relaxed as to fall asleep in a chair right after dinner.

      So – thank fully – no long night of tears and accusations.

      He has not heard back from the co-worker yet, but said he would let me know what she says. I am waiting for that, and then will probably reply by email to her husband and say that if he has proof of anything inappropriate in their relationship he can send it to me if he wishes, but if not I don’t see the need for him and I to talk.

      Apparently their marriage is bad (which I knew) and is now headed towards divorce. I suspect that the co-worker’s husband is reacting to that by lashing out with a false accusation in attempt to get even. I hope to god I am right.

      • I’m glad you approached this calmly and compassionately. I agree with you that your husband falling asleep in a chair is reassuring. I’m sure others will call me naive, but I would not invite the co-worker’s husband to contact you. I think if he had proof, he would have brought that to you in the first place, and based on what you’ve shared, I’m more skeptical about getting involved in this couple’s messy divorce than I am about your husband.

      • secret squirrel :

        I’m so happy for you. You must be relieved. I have to say, I really admire the way you’re handling this.

        • I agree! You have a strong relationship. Like someone posted yesterday, if my husband got an email like this out of the blue, then without talking to me started moving money out of our accounts, made accusations, etc, I would feel really betrayed.

      • Thanks all! I am very relieved at this point. Thank you to those above who pointed out that if proof was available it probably would have been sent already. If this guy is just lashing out, I bet he thinks he can put a bunch of doubts into my head if he can talk to me. I will refrain from contacting him.

        Thank you also to everyone who posted yesterday – your advice totally helped me react calmly and rationally. And thanks to the SCIF situation for giving me a whole day to think things through and calm down, knowing that I couldn’t bring this up to my husband until the end of the day.

        • Baconpancakes :

          So relieved for you! I’m really glad your marriage is so strong and openly honest you can be reasonable together – so many people can’t!

        • Never too many shoes... :

          I am also really glad to hear that it went so un-dramatically and I co-sign with everyone that your husband’s total calm is a good sign.

  13. Commute Rant :

    This morning there was an accident near my office that created a huge bottleneck and turned a 20-minute commute into an hour and a half commute. Because of traffic patterns and how close this was to the office, basically everyone was really late this morning, but at least we were all in the same boat and we all knew that it had affected the whole office. So can anyone tell me why one coworker felt the need to burst in the door boiling mad and treat us to a long rant about how horrible the traffic was this morning and nobody knows how to drive and how dare the emergency vehicles block the road? I get being frustrated with the delay and needing to vent, but please don’t act like you’re the only one who was inconvenienced!

    • selfish pig-human.

    • Commiseration :

      Did they say they were the only one who was inconvenienced? Or did you just take it that way? Logically, they know everyone else was stuck in the same mess. They were probably just looking to commiserate.

      • Commute Rant :

        Some commiseration was happening, but it was a really bad wreck so I think people felt awkward about whining too much about being late when there were clearly serious injuries. A few people did try to gently interject about how badly the cars were smashed (the wreck was in the middle of an intersection) and that they had seen stretchers going into ambulances, etc. as a means of explaining the presence of so many emergency vehicles.

    • Everybody has bad days. Maybe their day or even last night or week was off to a rougher start than yours and this was an “icing on the cake” thing. “Be kind for everybody you meet is fighting a great battle” or whatever the saying is.

    • Anonymous :

      Last time an accident screwed up traffic I suggested we burn down half of the houses on Long Island and replace them with highways. I hate traffic. It makes me rage. People don’t know how to drive. I despise being late (and I leave 15 minutes room for worse than usual traffic in my commute estimate) But I feel bad for everyone who is stuck in it, not just me. It can be very stressful and your coworker was probably just reacting to that stress.

  14. Anon for this :

    I’m just catching up to the thread yesterday about screen time for kids and wanted to put in my two cents, as someone who now has tweens. My boys are awesome and smart and well-adjusted but if I got a “do over” I would have set a no screen time rule from the get go, at least until the boys were 6 or so. Instead, I did a limited screen time in rule which in reality was much, much harder — 30 minutes soon becomes “just 15 minutes more, mom” and then before you know it an hour has gone by. I also think that girls perhaps are just more social creatures, and having my boys on a screen at a young age simply made them less social at times. Like I said, they are great kids and have lots of friends so I don’t think screen time “hurt them” per se, but I also see a lot of advantage in just saying no screen time, period.

    I also don’t buy the “kids need to learn tech” in this modern world. Yes of course they do, but a 3 year old does not.

    • I have grade schoolers and I am OK with things like Scratch Jr. and online chess that their chess club uses. I am OK watching music videos on you tube (b/c they get up and dance). But the family gadget and TV remotes disappear when time and other limits aren’t followed.

      One was sick for about 10 days and I was grateful for anything to entertain her b/c I had to work (like get stuff done, not “work” from home) and I couldn’t take her anywhere or have friends over (they were all in day care anyway). Bad thing from it — she knows how to work every single electronic thing in our house now.

      So we are in drinking mode: Like alcohol or food, TV and screens can be good and bad, so moderation and healthy habits are key. And it is a lot harder to practice moderation (esp. for one of my kids who has a tendency to go down a rabbit hole with apps) than abstinence. But the live in a world where sooner or later they will need to get have good habits, so at least I’m having a large say in establishing their habits in this area as in others.

    • Didn’t follow yesterday morning but when I was a really young kid we were only allowed to watch TV for an hour a day, and then for a few years in middle and high school my parents got rid of our TV altogether. I think it was good for me. To this day I don’t spend that much time interacting with screens outside of work.

      These days it seems like there’s just a lot more screens kids could be using though so I don’t know if that kind of thing would really work.

    • I always love it when people who missed the previous day’s fight come in the next day – apparently believing that everyone is just *dying* to know their two cents on the issue, and therefore they *must* give their opinion – and try to reopen the fight all over again. I understand being bored at work, but come on. You really don’t have anything better to do than re-pick a fight you missed yesterday? I don’t have kids so don’t have an investment in this particular issue. I really don’t understand posts like this, unless folks are just addicted to drama.

      • Layoff. I don’t have kids either, but found the overall discussion interesting to read, which includes this OP’s addition. I don’t see what she said as picking a fight. It’s pretty clear she was talking about her own experience in raising her kids and something she wished she did differently. To the extent someone doesn’t want to engage in this conversation they can simply keep scrolling.

  15. Sloan Sabbith :

    Any tips for showering at work post-workout? The studio doesn’t have a shower, my work (apparently?) has shower rooms in the basement.

    • Get a gym bag that has a few pockets (and preferably a divider for clean/dirty clothes), purchase essential cosmetics that will be dedicated to your gym bag. I stick with body wash, lotion, deodorant, and a razor, but some people prefer to re-do their makeup and/or hair. Also, shower shoes. My work provides towels, but if yours does not you would want those too. I just rinse my body with body wash, get out, put on lotion/deodorant, get dressed, touch up my hair, and then touch up my makeup when I get back to my desk.

      • +1 for shower shoes!

      • Nearly posted this myself a few weeks ago – try camping towels which are quick drying if you don’t have towel service at work. It’s worked for me and they are only $10 on Amazon.

    • Shopaholic :

      I’m so jealous. That’s the reason why I can’t do a pure barre class in the morning. It’s just too much running around before work to try to get a shower in.

      I would have little travel sizes of everything. Are you going to wash your hair? If not, I’d keep a shower cap, brush and dry shampoo. Pick out everything you need for work the night before so you’re not forgetting anything – I would actually suggest going through your morning routine at home one day and making a list of everything so you don’t forget.

    • Go check out the shower rooms, then decide what to get. I have a shower tote with a hook which is very helpful to hook over the shower stall door and keep everything off the floor and from getting wet (like for a college dorm). I also like the zippered bags that I think are meant for diapers or wet swimsuits to put my gross workout clothes in. They tend to be machine washable so you can wash them to keep the bag itself from getting funky. Lastly I have to wash my hair but use a 2 in 1 shampoo which is faster.

    • I have a set of gym toiletries that lives in my gym bag. A place to hang your towel at your desk until you take it home is helpful (I have filing cabinets in my cube it can hang behind) unless your gym has towels. I try to avoid having to wash my hair — I wash it the night before or put some dry shampoo in it, tie it off my neck for my workout, then take it down and let it start airing out as soon as I finish working out. More dry shampoo if necessary and/or cool-air hair dryer, and gibson tuck/bun/twist/etc for work. I do activities that can involve getting REALLY sweaty and it’s never been an issue.

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      Went totally fine! The shower rooms have nothing other than a shower and a sink- so I was glad I brought a towel, a microfiber towel for my hair, and all of the other necessities. I have a pixie, so I just wash it and it’s dry after microfiber-toweling it off less than an hour later.

      Probably going to grab a gym bag, though- i put everything in a reusable bag this morning and tossed the damp stuff in my car. But I’m not going to be driving every day.

    • Please do not douse yourself in a cheap and powerful scent post-shower like my adjacent co-worker does (I choose to believe it is not a mask for not showering, but you never know). I guess she probably doesn’t smell like that in the morning because she waits to shower after the gym… but man, does my throat burn when she comes back.

      For a real tip, figure out what the blow-dry situation is and consider bringing your own if there aren’t any. The wet-head thing looks weird in the office (except maybe first thing in the morning).

      • Sloan Sabbith :

        Hahahaha. No. Deodarant and shampoo. No scents. F that noise.

        No blowdryer, but a pixie, so toweling it off really well works perfectly.

    • dry shampoo and this Olivia and Joy purse are great. The nylon is light. there is an included pouch for shoes and internal organization within the bag itself.

  16. So a while ago, I posted that a colleague was getting a bad review and it was really upsetting me.

    Now, I basically have lost my office friend. I say office friend in the most innocuous of ways- we were cordial colleagues who are supportive of each other’s long term career goals. Based on feedback given in their review, she has decided that the smartest thing for her to do is basically not talk to anyone for any purpose other than exclusive work product (which she follows up with an email).

    I also am now wondering if I did something that negatively impacted her… I genuinely can’t think of what it was, but I just feel… crummy. and guilty. and sad.

    • This isn’t about you at all. She got a bad review. She’s trying to take care of herself. Nothing to do with you

      • +1 She’s dealing with it in the way that she feels she needs to.

        • Logically, I know this. Emotionally, I feel this pit of guilt in my stomach- like I wish there was something I could do.

          Thank you for the reality check.

    • I think I responded to you before — having gone through a similar situation at a law firm (IDK if it was you though). Reality is it is very likely NOT anything you did. Depending on how much she wanted this career path/this job, she is kind of “broken” right now and worried about how/where she’ll land; it’s all she has the bandwidth to deal with so her approach is not talking to anyone at work for anything but work to emotionally separate. I did something similar though not as extreme – for me it was only talking to associates and 1 partner friend (who is my friend outside of work); outside of that I wanted nothing to do with any partner at the firm whether they were the one pushing me out or not bc in my mind – the ones not pushing me out weren’t standing up for me either. So a “hi how was your weekend” was met with a curt “fine” with no reciprocating questions re their weekends etc. There’s nothing you can do here. If she ever comes back to you (which will likely only be after she lands in a new job and is happy there; and realistically it may never happen), then you can make the call of whether you’ll discount/forgive her behavior or not.

      • Yes, thank you. I took your advice to heart and really just tried to be a sounding board and patiently offer whatever support I could. I think the most helpful thing I’ve said is just to say, ‘wow. This really sucks and I’m sorry you’re going through it.’

        Unfortunately, I get the sense that me trying to back this person up (e.g., quietly pointing out areas that they should start doing their homework on because that project was about to explode, offering to trade off when they were working hellish hours, etc.) somehow come off as proving they can’t handle it.

        I admit that I am being selfish, but I really relied on this person for camaraderie. Even if it was just a quick IM exchange to say, ‘Nice weather today. The Winterfell project is a doosey, isn’t it?’ I am realizing that those very brief social interactions sort of kept me going through crummy work days. You know you had a friend in the trenches. Now, I am feeling very… isolated. Which I actually think was part of the intention of management.

    • Why don’t you ask her out to lunch so you can talk privately? It would give you a chance to catch up and give her your support.

      • So I initially suggested we get lunch and this was met with, ‘I was told that you are part of my downfall.’ and a decline.

        • Do you think you were spending too much time talking/hanging out with her at work and that could have been mentioned in her review? If possible, time to step back. Give her some space.

          • I thought about this. We are physically in separate offices (think different floors) so it’s not the situation where we’re being sucked in at the water cooler or anything.

            Additionally, I got a positive review and was specifically told that I should ‘come down to main floor more’. We had the same person giving us reviews- it would be odd if one of us was told that we were chatting too much and the other was told to be more visible.

            Regardless, I’m giving her space. I’m just really surprised at how much it helped knowing I had someone who I could email saying, ‘I just had a terrible client call.’ and then they would say, ‘Yeah. That stinks.’

        • Anonymous :

          Ouch. You could try inviting her out for drinks after work, but I would back off if she turns you down. Sounds like a hard situation for you, but harder for her. Sorry for your loss of a friendship.

        • Leave her alone from now on. You are making her difficult situation all about you and you should let it go.

          • Already done. I’m just a bit surprised that it’s upsetting me this much.

  17. Sunscreen / Scalp :

    Every summer I wind up getting burned on my scalp along my part line. Does anyone have a suggestion for a good sunscreen that is not greasy that I can use on top of my head (or, a suggestion for how to combat greasiness if there’s no way to avoid it… sunscreen + dry shampoo?). And yes, I need to find a decent hat to wear all summer. Thanks!

    • Can you just wear your hair in a ponytail with no part? That’s what I do. I don’t think it’s possible to put sunscreen in your hair without it becoming a greasy mess.

    • I have this problem too and had good luck using the La Roche-Posay Anthelios Clear Skin Face Sunscreen for Oily Skin. I didn’t notice any additional greasiness after I dabbed it along my part.

    • I just live in a hat. Baseball hat in the water/being active, sun hat when sitting around. Also an office worker, so I really don’t spend much time outside in the daylight other than weekends/vacations.

      • I splurged and got a fancy straw hat for walking the dog (most of my outdoor time). Similar to this

    • I keep some of the spray sunscreen just for this. I don’t really like it for my whole body, but it works great for my part line. I forget which brand I have, maybe Neutrogena. I just look for one that says non-greasy. I have also tried the mineral powder kind that comes with a brush and one made for hair and scalp (Dermatouch was the brand.) But for me, spray sunscreen works fine.

      But if I am going to be outside in the direct sun for a while (like a pool or beach day) I definitely wear a hat. I have black hair and light skin and my hair just attracts the sun!

    • Sunscreen / Scalp :

      Thanks, all. I’ll check out the La Roche-Posay sunscreen / some spray sunscreens. Unfortunately it’s not super easy to re-style my hair (curly texture makes it hard to get rid of the part), but I’m looking for a hat that will fit my large head!

      • There are two powder sunscreens I’ve been wanting to try for this. One is Peter Thomas Roth It’s at Sephora) and the other is, I think, Colorscience. They’ve both expensive which is why I’ve waited.

        • I’ve used the Peter Thomas Roth and a way cheaper powder sunscreen that I bought from Costco’s website. I can’t tell the difference and would recommend the less expensive one. I think it was $40 or so for a two pack.

        • Seattle Freeze :

          I’m currently using the Mineral Fusion Brush-on Sun Defense and find it pretty unnoticeable and easy to apply – super convenient to reapply, too. It’s a lighter powder than the Neutrogena loose mineral powder makeup, and doesn’t create a cakey texture. I think it was $28 or so at my local hippie co-op.

      • My head is huge and I am a pale-skinned redhead so I feel your pain. You can order women’s hats in custom sizes from Tilley Hats. They are not cheap, but they wear really well. Also, men’s baseball caps are a lifesaver.

        I also second the recommendation for one of the “dry” spray sunscreens. I use one from Nordstrom on my part.

    • Aveda has a spray sunscreen for hair (protects the color).

    • I have really been liking the Coppertone Clearly Sheer Spray. I would think if you sprayed it on your part it wouldn’t make your hair too greasy. It’s very light.

    • I use a translucent mineral powder with sunscreen that I got on amazon. It comes in a pre-filled tube with a brush on the end (I can’t remember the brand off hand – they have several options). I dab it on my part in the mornings. It seems to have helped for my regular commutes, where my part used to get burned. If I’m at the beach or outside for a significant amount of time, I either wear a hat or spray something on the part (which, of course, is messy).

  18. Can anyone speak to working at a foundation? Considering applying to a grants management position.

    • I worked at a non-profit that had a foundation as one of our components, but I was not in that department.

      Lots of nonprofits are dysfunctional in their own way (I’d say at a higher rate and more rampantly than private or public sector) and the pay is usually not good/competitive. They make that up with 1) flexibility and 2) getting people to buy-in/care about the mission.

      1 and 2 were great for a while but eventually I had enough. On the 25-ish person staff, they’ve had almost 100% turnover in the 2.5 years I’ve left and many of those people have not been backfilled. 3 people left, and 1 is only there because he is going back to school in the fall and figured he may as well stick it out until then.

    • Anonymous :

      I work in non-profit foundations though in a different area. The money is poor but the flexibility and the people are generally great.

  19. Cornellian :

    Off topic: I was on leave for admin assistants’ day last month. Is it weird to get my assistant something now? If not, is there something better than flowers? I love flowers, but it seems like it could be tiring having your desk covered, and I wonder if having flowers on a non-holiday would make people wonder what the flowers commemorate or celebrate.

    • Yes.

    • Silver & gold? :

      I’d say not weird but no to flowers. I’ve always found buying flowers for aa’s weird and gendered and uncomfortable. I’d suggest a card and gift card somewhere you know she’ll shop, like Target or similar.

  20. Anon for This :

    I messed up at work yesterday on something entirely avoidable that was entirely my fault. I think it’s fixable and I don’t think it will have larger implications, but I feel like an idiot and kind of like a horrible person. And expecting people to be really mad at me. Any words of advice, hive?

    • We’ve all been there. It’s never as big a deal to anyone else as it is in my head.

    • Own up to it, apologize, and offer a solution. If you handle it well, people will remember that more than they remember the mistake.

    • Everyone is human. Best thing you can do is get out in front of it. Ask advice of your higher-ups, so they see you being proactive and so that you can get their sign-off on your course of action for fixing it.

    • +1 to all the advice you’ve already gotten – own up to it ASAP, suggest a solution, and get to work on it. No one will be as mad as you think they are. In my experience, I have gotten an unexpected about of sympathy – everyone has messed up and felt terrible about something in their career; for the most part, people are forgiving and probably also glad it’s not them this time.

      Two other things I would add are:

      1 – don’t slink around like a kicked puppy for days afterward. The only effect that will have is to remind people that you messed up.

      2 – give some thought to how the error occurred. Is there a system you need to put in place to help prevent yourself from making that mistake again?

    • Anonymous :

      I did the exact same thing a few weeks ago. I just immediately apologized, tried to fix it, and a couple days later sent out an email saying “I’m going to do X to make sure something like this doesn’t happen again.” It doesn’t seem to have affected my relationship with the partner at all.

      Regarding feeling like an idiot, I made a different (substantial) mistake last year and my end of year review was glowing – the only way it came up in my review was that the partners appreciated how I handled it (took responsibility immediately and tried to find a solution). So, don’t let it affect your confidence and try to move on. Everyone gets a screwup now and then (I’m trying to keep my major ones to once a year :) ).

  21. Silver & gold? :

    I wear a silver watch and ring and white gold wedding band. My new favorite summer shoes are gold sandals. Is this a metal-mixing faux pas? This feels like a metal mixing faux pas, but I was raised by a mother who was completely militant on the question of “clashing” so it’s hard for me to tell.

    • Nope. I mix metals all the time. In my mind they’re neutrals so there’s no problem. I mix metals really close together (contrasting links on a watch band, my engagement ring is platinum, wedding band is yellow gold) but I think especially when the items are far apart like you’re describing (watch and ring …. shoes) it’s an absolute non-issue.

      • Same! Today I am wearing a rose gold necklace layered with a yellow gold necklace, silver and yellow gold rings, and a rose gold with fabric band watch. Shrug.

      • Senior Attorney :

        Yep. Metallics are neutrals and they all go together. In fact, I think it looks weird if you are head to toe all silver or all gold or whatever.

    • I think shoes and jewelry are far enough away visually that you don’t run the risk of clashing. If I’m mixing metals just in jewelry, I’ll try to wear one piece that has both metals in it. My watch is silver and gold, so it usually works for that.

    • I think this is totally fine and can’t imagine ever even noticing this on someone else. But then, I wear a white gold wedding band and silver watch with gold earrings every day, so maybe I am more lax than others.

    • I think you’re fine. My rings are white gold and that doesn’t stop me from wearing gold jewelry or belts with gold hardware. My watch is mixed and I think that helps marry everything.

    • Old golden loafers :

      No, I don’t think so. I mix metals often and I don’t care at all.

  22. I have a Burberry trench that I absolutely love but I’ve lost weight and it is now several sizes too big. Is this the kind of thing that can be successfully altered? Any recommendations for where to take it in Manhattan to have this done?

  23. I was hired by an org to handle a specific kind of client that they have. I used to work for one such client and am generally much more familiar with how they operate than anyone else at my organization.

    Yesterday I went with two of my colleagues to a client’s workplace, which is very business formal. I wore a suit. One colleague was wearing a fit and flare dress with a cardigan; the other was wearing a black t shirt with khaki capris. I was a little mortified. Part of my mandate in this role is helping the org present itself better to these clients and professionalize its contacts with them. I’m trying to model appropriate behavior (like dressing appropriately for these kinds of meetings), but should I say anything about how to dress? It feels awkward and personal.

    • Based on the mandate of your role, I think you’d be remiss not to say anything. Not sure what the reporting relationships are, etc, but I think you can either ask them if they noticed and what they thought if you think that would be effective, or just say, they’re a business formal organization and we should respect that when we’re in their space and present ourselves accordingly.

    • You should have told them straight up before the meeting “client is formal wear a suit.”
      This is your job

    • Absolutely. You should tell them that the workplace is business formal prior to any in person meetings, and if they show up not in business formal, you should let them know that they missed the memo about the dress code.

    • Thanks for the responses. Should also have mentioned that I am actually junior to the colleagues that were in the meeting and they have been dealing with these kinds of clients for a long time, so it’s not like they don’t know that the client’s workplace is formal. That’s what I mean when I said it feels awkward – basically it would mean that I’m saying to them “Hey I’m not even your boss but you’ve been doing this wrong for years and that makes people take you less seriously”

      • Can’t you frame it an important part of growing your relationship with these clients is to meet their expectations which includes things such as being as formal if not more than they are? My sentence is awkward, but there is a way to do this that makes it part of your job/presentation instead of you blatantly telling them they are doing it wrong.

      • I think that changes things. I’d keep doing what you’re doing and, if an opportunity presents itself, you can mention something along the lines of, “at my old [company], we were told to always expect [big donor] to walk in the door, so had to be professionally attired” – or “the [lawyers/accountants/consultants] at [old company] typically wore business formal, so that’s what I’m used to doing.” But only if the opportunity to presents itself, I think, or in discussions with your own boss.

        Also, be open to the possibility that your old company was different from the companies you’re now dealing with and make sure you’re not the one who is very slightly out of touch (based on colleagues’ long-standing relationships with the client and seniority in their jobs.)

      • Hmmm… I’d actually take a different approach and ask them “So, was I overdressed for yesterday’s meeting? I assumed I should dress to match the client’s dress code. Is there a reason to dress down in front of the client?”

  24. I’d like to get a fitbit and need to decide between the Alta HR and the Charge 2. I need a new watch so would be using it for both watch and tracker. I bike commute, walk and run, so I’m intrigued to see that data, but the purpose of the fitbit would mainly be to see how much I move during the workday (I have a desk job), and tracking sleep – in the hopes of improving both! I have a blackberry so would be accessing any data via the desktop function.

    Anyone have any insight? The biggest difference to me seems to be that the Alta is smaller but the Charge has better activity tracking. I use my Garmin to track my running (the only thing I’m “serious'” about) so that won’t be the primary function for my fit bit. Thanks!

    • AnonMidwest :

      I read when the Alta HR came out that it doesn’t track flights climbed. Which is odd, but probably space limited. If that’s something you care about.

    • New Tampanian :

      I received a Charge 2 as a gift and just exchanged it for the Alta HR. I previously had an Alta (non-HR).

      The Charge 2 is too large for me. I wear a larger watch on the same wrist so it took up too much room on my dainty baby wrists. (Seriously, I have child-sized wrists). The Alta HR is comfortable to wear and sleep with.

      I prefer the look of the Alta HR over the Charge 2. It really felt too clunky for me. Also, I feel like the Alta doesn’t stick out quite as much when I wear it during a formal event.

      That said, the Alta HR does not track flights. If you do a lot of stair climbing you may want the Charge 2.

      • I like the look of my Alta too, it’s very sleek, not to mention I love the ability to swap out the wristband, so I can wear different colors and styles if I want.

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      I agree with NT. I have tiny, tiny wrists- like, my thumb and pinky go around my wrists in a circle with some room left over. While I like the extra features of the Charge, I have an Alta (non-HR, bought it just before the HR came out, sadly) and the charge would look laughably huge on my wrist. The Alta does everything I want it to.

      • Not that Anne, the other Anne :

        +1 to all of this. The Charge looks ridiculous on my wrist.

      • Actually found the opposite although I also have a super tiny wrist.

        I have a tiny wrist in circumference and found that the Charge 2 fits (although nearly at the tightest setting) but the Alta 2 was too big. Although the Alta 2 is much narrower (on the traditional 9 to 3 axis), it’s length (on the 12 to 6 axis) is longer than the Charge 2 and so it hung over the edge of my wrist instead of hugging it. It just looked far too long for me.

        • Sloan Sabbith :

          It is long and almost always loose on me (or it digs in if I tighten it adequately….), but I thought the Charge’s width would bug me more than the length of the Alta does, so I went with the Alta.

          • I can cope with the width, but the new Alta was just sooo long on me that it looked like I was a kid wearing an adults watch. (A bit like the huge watch Marco Fu wears at the snooker table). Finding a watch that doesn’t overhang my wrist is really hard so I was quite surprised when the bigger Charge 2 turned out to fit me best.

    • My Charge HR just died so I replaced it with an Alta HR, at first I was super disappointed that I can’t track flights anymore, but that is really the only thing that the Alta doesn’t do. I’m much happier with the aesthetics of the Alta and don’t really miss the flights.

    • I used to have a Charge but got an Alta when the band on my Charge started detaching. I like the Alta much better. The stair tracking was always inaccurate so I didn’t rely on it anyway. I like the sleeker look of the Alta and the reminders to move every hour.

      • joan wilder :

        A related question on stair tracking. I have a One and it generally gets confused by the elevator. But then on Sunday it gave me 48 floors and I walked up one rather gentle hill? Is this a sign that I need a new Fitbit or just that the stair tracking is useless and move on?

  25. has anyone had keratin treatment on their hair? would you recommend/is it worth the cost? i have loose curls but my hair gets wildly frizzy/unmanageable in the summer.

    • I’ve had it. I loved it–it made my hair manageable and my mornings much easier. I would definitely recommend!

    • Minnie Beebe :

      I recently got a Brazilian Blowout, and probably won’t do it again. I think my hair just doesn’t take to treatments well– I’ve tried perms a couple of times (a long time ago, but home and salon) and they just don’t last on me.

      Anyway, the brazilian treatment was done about 6 weeks ago, and by about 4 weeks ago, my hair was no better than it was before the treatment. YMMV.

  26. So how about that stock market?

  27. Off-key Valkyrie :

    I don’t know how to belt dresses and tunics, but I need to learn, because what fits my shoulders is a circus tent on my waist. Can anyone recommend other blog posts that will get me started? I’m clueless and I need pics!

    • Try a skinny belt at your natural waist.

      • Anonymous :

        Personally, I find that a normal width belt (maybe slightly skinnier than what you’d use on pants) is much more flattering. I get a muffin top bump if I wear a typical skinny belt, but if I wear it looser it doesn’t pull in enough. – doesn’t happen nearly as much with a thicker belt. I do have to size down for my waist belts vs. pants belts.

    • Get a tailor to taper the side seams. It is hard to belt a lot of excess fabric b/c it will bunch out weirdly at the bottom. If you still belt, it will be sleeker.

    • Tailor them!

  28. Pencil Skirt Help :

    Every time I wear a pencil skirt it seems to twist around me as I walk so that the slit would end up all the way on the right if I didn’t keep twisting it back into place (although the slit move has happened more than once despite my best efforts).

    Is it me or the skirt? Am I wearing the wrong size? Has anyone else had this happen to them and have advice on how to stop this from happening??

    Any advice or commiseration is appreciated.

    • this happens to me because my hips are (much) bigger than my waist, so the waist on my pencil skirt is too big. maybe try taking in the skirt at the waist?

    • Yes, this happens to me — on skirts I haven’t had tailored. If they’re doing this they don’t fit.

    • This means the waist is too large, in my experience. I’ve had tailors just take in the waistband on the skirts that do this and it fixed the problem. For me, it also only happens when I am carrying a bag and it twists towards (or away? I don’t remember right now) the side I’m carrying the bag.

    • Baconpancakes :

      Yes, after my first skirt tailoring, a whole new world of pencil skirts opened up as I no longer had to tug constantly and worry about flashing my nether bits.

    • This happens to me when I’m wearing the wrong size skirt. If the skirt is too large (especially in the waist) it doesn’t stay put well because it isn’t hanging onto your body right. It also happens when I’m wearing a skirt that is too small that sits lower on my hips — I am pear shaped with a small waist, so when I walk the skirt hikes up a little bit, and then starts twisting around. I don’t usually have a problem with something that sits at the waist and/or is the correct size.

    • Do you walk carrying a bag? I think it’s the bag bumping against me that makes my pencil skirts twist around. I don’t have that problem when I’m not carrying anything.

      • Anonymous :

        Bag has been the culprit for me much more so than wrong size. I have much less of a problem when I’m not carrying it, or if I can sort of gingerly hold it slightly away from my body.

  29. I am moving at the end of the month, to a new place that is a 20 minute walk to work (vs. my current 1+hour transit ride) and I am SO! EXCITED!

    Those of you who walk to work, do you have any tips – shoes? bags? what to do with all this extra time in the run of the day? – that you would like to share? I am in Toronto for reference, so there will be cold/snowy days ahead.

    • I don’t walk to work, but I am envious!! I would definitely get a backpack if I were going to though. Even if all you’re carrying is a purse and you don’t schlep files etc., 20 minutes is too far to walk with unevenly weighted shoulders, IMHO.

    • Casual shoes: Sperry boat shoes – comfy and closed toe. Dressy: the Rockport Adelyn flat – it has actual sneaker technology inside.

    • Dansko clogs to walk in. Ugly but so comfortable and can take a beating. (And are a little high so keep your feet dry as long as you’re not stomping in puddles.)

    • Congratulations! I live in Toronto and have the hour long TTC commute – used to have a 20 minute TTC comute or a 40ish minute walk. I miss it. I would wear sneakers in summer for the walk (I used to do comfy flats but more and more I find I need more support – on the hunt for a comfy light pair of sneakers for my walk to and from the subway) and a cross body bag or a backpack if you carry a lot back and forth. And warm waterproof (especially in Toronto slush) boots with a tractiony sole for the winter.

    • Wear weather and walking appropriate shoes and bags and try not to care if they don’t match what you’re wearing — it’s just for the commute!

    • Thanks all! I was thinking sneakers and a backpack, so glad to hear we are on the same page.

      I have Sperry’s and some supportive Geox flats for non-sneaker days so that’s good too!

    • I’m a broken record but I’m a huge fan of the Cole Haan Zerogrand sneaks for walking to work. So comfy, and a step up from regular sneaks in the look of them. Experiment with different routes – I’ll go out of my way by a block or three if it means a better/more interesting walk. And enjoy, a walking commute is the best kind.

    • BabyAssociate :

      I also recently switched to a 20 minute walk to work and it’s AMAZING. I wear Aerosoles loafers when it’s warm, booties when it’s cold and keep my nice shoes at the office. I carried a shoulder laptop bag for all of may 1 week before realizing that everyone else who was also walking to work was carrying a backpack, so I switched to an Everlane backpack and haven’t looked back.

      • How do you like the Everlane backpack, BabyAssociate? Do you find it fits anything more than laptop + lunch? Thanks!

    • I buy shoes specific for my walks, but the aren’t casual shoes. Usually wedges or boots made of black leather. I don’t like getting caught in the elevator or whatnot in shoes that don’t fit my professional clothes. It’s a chore to find such shoes, but makes me feel 1000% better.

  30. I need some help dealing with a coworker with whom, I have found the end of my rope. In general he just annoys me. He’s a late 50s man at an entry level position and he is very bitter. Apparently, in the past he had a job that he viewed as more prestigious. I don’t know why he doesn’t work at that other place anymore. Because of the nature of his position he has set hours when the rest of the people who work in the office don’t. I usually come in an hour before him, but sometimes things come up and I come in after him. When this happens he makes a very big deal about me being late and I just ignore it.

    He is a big Trump supporter and manages to inject Killary and emails into the conversation with others every day. I haven’t heard anyone take the bait and one of the engineers (who behaves like an adult) has told him to shut up.

    Now he’s on a “women barefoot and pregnant” kick. He keeps bringing up “are you keeping her in the kitchen?” “I’d make my wife do that” “If your wife doesn’t work why do you need two cars” it’s never to me, mostly to the younger (cooler than him) guys in the office, but always in my earshot.

    I’ve had it. We are a small company without HR, I’d like to confront him first before I complain, any tips on how to make this stop?

    • Frankly I think the meanest – and simplest- thing you could do, is to simply ignore him.

    • Document these comments. Do not make it about politics – this would not be okay if he had been a non-voter or supported a different candidate.

      “Those comments are not appropriate for the workplace and need to stop immediately. This is a professional environment.” Repeat daily.

    • Given the no-HR situation, I might first talk to your other male colleagues about these comments, if you think they would be receptive. One of the “cooler” guys he makes these comments to giving him a heads up that this is not appropriate and will wind up getting him in trouble might do the trick.

      • I’m sure they would be receptive but I feel like this is something I need to handle it on my own in order to make the biggest impact with him. Yesterday the “cool”, younger, professional guy mocked him about the second car comment but he just laughed along like they were in on the joke together.

      • +1 to talking to your other male colleagues.

        The most effective statement I have found to talk to colleagues about these things is, “I don’t like hearing these things – it makes me not want to work here / not want to be part of this team. It’s so inappropriate and there are plenty of other places out there where I wouldn’t have to listen to that every day.”

        Making it clear that there are potential consequences to putting up with this – i.e. it’s not just a vague idea that something is offensive. Hopefully, your other colleagues see you as a valuable member of the team – more valuable than this clown.

        • They do, I have no doubt that they would do anything to keep me there!
          And the use of the word Clown is exactly right. My guess is my colleagues don’t think he’s insulting me because everyone does just think he is a clown, I have just yesterday had enough.

    • HR Consultant :

      “Apparently, in the past he had a job that he viewed as more prestigious. I don’t know why he doesn’t work at that other place anymore.”

      I bet I could make a guess. Guys like this don’t change from one workplace to another. He’s been acting like this for a long time, most likely, and has experienced negative impacts from it, but is refusing to learn the lesson.

      Documenting the date, time and contents of comments is important. Your first line of complaint should be your manager, especially if you and this guy share the same manager. Bring your documentation and explain why you have a problem with what’s happening. Be very clear that you consider the comments not just to be offensive to you personally, but contributive to an environment that disrespects women. Don’t be surprised or offended if nothing seems to happen at first, or your manager doesn’t follow up with you – depending on the action taken, she or he may not be able to share what’s happening to the other employee.

      If your manager blows you off or the behavior continues unabated, go to HR. Explain you’ve been to your manager and nothing changed. You can use the words “hostile environment” (which only refers to sexual harassment, but applies here). If your HR people are on the ball (many aren’t) that should trigger some kind of action.

      The other thing I’ll recommend is that if other people are hearing and are bothered by the comments, encourage them to complain as well. I’m sorry to say this, but it’s always better when you have more than one person complaining about the behavior. If that doesn’t happen, though, don’t let that hold you back.

      I’m so sorry this is happening. You absolutely should address it. Don’t just let it go. These toxic people go from workplace to workplace making people miserable. The only way to get this guy out is to speak up.

      • HR Consultant :

        Sorry – I missed the part about “no HR.” Go to your manager. I strongly​ recommend you do not confront him yourself and especially do not confront him without witnesses present. That can very easily turn into a “he said-she said” situation that will cause you no end of problems.

      • Thank you.

      • Anonymous :

        employment lawyer here: hostile work environment does not only refer to sexual harassment, but to any protected characteristic.

    • He sounds like a hot mess. I bet that this behavior is probably the primary reason he is in an entry-level position at this stage in his professional life. I’m guessing you outrank him–any chance he answers to you? Also–are you the only woman or significantly outnumbered? I’m wondering if he is intending for you to overhear these comments (because they’re really for you.)

      • I am the only woman in this division and, yes, I outrank him. We do have the same manager though. Yes, I do think he is intending for me to hear these comments.

        I should have also mentioned that he comments on my parking on an almost daily basis. I went from a mid size SUV to a large SUV a few months ago and was parking either on the line or crooked. We have plenty of parking and I don’t park next to anyone because I come in early so it doesn’t inconvenience anyone.

        He also makes comments on my vacations and the pictures on my desk. My kids play sports and we go on vacation. Apparently he has never found the budget for these kinds of things. Nothing is over the top, literally a picture of each kid in their sport uniform as a magnet on my white board and my computer screensaver is my family on a ski trip in March. Our COO has commented it looks like I’m moving out because my space isn’t more personalized (HE is why!)

        • anon lawyer :

          AAM’s suggestion for situations like this is typically to put the person making the awkward/uncomfortable comment on the spot to explain it: “You know, you very frequently comment on the cost of my vacations. Why is that?”

          He will stumble to come up with a logical explanation, because there isn’t really an explanation other than passive-aggression. Then you say something like: “I find it pretty uncomfortable to get repeated comments about how my family spends money.”

          And then you stop and let him fumble some more. Do not fill the gap. Silence is your friend. It will ratchet up the discomfort for him and put him on notice that you’re going to push back.

          I’d also say that for all of the “woman in the kitchen” comments, frankly, I tend to push back fairly hard on stuff like that. As in, I’d probably walk out of my office, walk over to him and say, “Hey, woman who isn’t in the kitchen right here. Please cut it out.”

        • I’m Anon from 12:01. It really sounds that he is specifically targeting you. I agree with everyone who said to document this stuff and take it straight to your manager–you’re in a great position in that you mentioned they would do anything to keep you. Now it’s time to find out just what “anything” entails–and it had better entail either severely censuring or getting rid of this clown. If you’re looking for an on-the-spot response for him, I’m also a fan of asking him to elaborate. Example “You let your wife do that?” “Why would that be an issue?” You’re trying here to get him to double down on his a$$holery by getting him to explain his discriminatory comments for everyone else so that he can no longer hide behind jokiness and it starts becoming clear that the real answer is “because I think women should be subservient.” I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this moron.

          • Also–and this response depends on your personality and how angry you are–but since a lot of his comments occur when you’re alone with him, you’d be justified in leaning in and hissing, “You know, I bet comments like these and your obvious dislike of powerful women are why you’re stuck in an entry level job in your 50s.”

          • Anonymous :

            God I would love to say this! Also, I googled, he’s 59.

    • I would humorlessly explain to him why his comments are off and imply that he is stupid and doesn’t understand office norms. If he comments on you being late, explain that no, you aren’t bound to be in the office at a particular start time as it’s not how your position works, and you hope that he won’t continue to be so confused over it, in a mansplainy way. Or that maybe he can focus on work instead of your parking, or on your vacations, stuff like “what do you mean by that?” or “that is inappropriate.” People get nervous when you’re blunt and direct and stop saying stupid things to you, usually. I would also ask your colleagues to not humour his comments.

      • Yeah, this is a situation where condescending to him is actually probably the best approach. He’s trying to make you feel small, OP, and that is likely insecurity. It’s fine to make him feel small right back – sometimes that’s the only thing people like that understand.

    • OP, this guy is taking all the disappointment of his life and blaming you. He probably does the same to anyone he views as vulnerable, including minorities. You need to be careful b/c he will probably hate you more if you successfully handle this situation. You need to figure out how to get this guy fired, or how to make sure no one takes his opinion seriously.

      One come-back I’d use is, “and stay-at-home wives should spend their time making sure they look good b/c what’s the point of a stay-at-home wife isn’t hot” and you say this b/c his wife is definitely not hot, and he’s comparing penises after all. You say anything like this that makes him think of HIS LIFE, which he is ashamed of. You NEVER talk about yourself or your work, b/c that’s the territory where he’ll fight. Talking about his life, he’ll shut up.

  31. That Brooks Brothers sale worked wonderfully for me – I had just started looking for a white bag and a new fun necklace and found both in the sale. Thanks for posting the sale, Kat!

  32. Santa Fe Casual :

    Posted a week or two ago about a “Santa Fe Casual” dress code for a rehearsal dinner. I’ll be wearing a casual black sleeveless dress & wedges or cowboy boots (live in the Midwest). I’m looking for some fun earrings in turquoise (color, not necessarily the stone) that fit the bill but don’t feel too far out of my comfort zone so I can & will want to wear them in the future (Southwestern Style isn’t really my thing). Right now, I’ve been looking on Bauble Bar for some fun ones & other costume-y jewelry sites & everything is leaning very Cochella-ish (but maybe that’s what I should be looking for?) Trying to stay around $50.

    • Santa Fe Casual :

    • Baublebar is doing a collab with Target right now called “Sugarfix” that has some cute options in really low price points in case you end up not wanting to wear it again. I liked these choices (all are under $15).

    • Links got lost in moderation, but look at SugarFix by BaubleBar at Target. If I’m buying jewelry that’s a little out of my comfort zone, I’d rather spend $10-15 than $40 in case I realize I won’t ever wear it again.

    • Are you actually going to Santa Fe? You could pick up some handmade jewelry at the plaza. Also, I’ve seen nice looking turquoise jewelry at Nordstrom Rack.

    • Meg March :

      I’d go for those tassel earrings that are so big right now.

      Like these:

  33. Looking for some travel recs – does anyone know a good hotel/resort on the east coast of south Florida (in the west palm/ft lauderdale area would be especially good) that has beach, pool, and would be good for a big group with kids? Trying to find somewhere for four generations of family ranging from a 1 year old to a 90 year old to spend a long weekend in the fall. Budget is up to 250ish per room per night (we need 8 rooms….oy!). We have found some houses that look good but a resort type place that has kids activities would be even better. TIA!

    • Never stayed there but came across this place when researching a trip to S. Fla a few years ago:

    • Marriott Harbor Beach? Lago Mar? They are both large hotels with rates in that range. To be honest, they don’t seem like anything special, but I’m not sure you can get special/amazing for that price in that area.

      • Amazing isn’t necessary at all, as long as its clean and comfy and there’s a good pool we will be happy. Just need something thats big enough and easy for so many people, a vacation house is obviously an option but with such a big group I think a hotel where we can spread out more will be easier.

        • I get it. To be honest, I don’t like staying in houses/condos unless we have a certain ratio of capable adults to everybody else (young children, elderly, sick, distracted/working, etc.). Last year, we stayed in a beautiful condo with some of my in-laws, and it was a TON of work! MIL was taking care of her husband, who, unbeknownst to us at the time, was in a lot of pain from kidney stones. BIL and SIL kept getting wrapped up in legitimate distractions (First, they had to finalize a green card application, and then their dog-sitter had a family emergency and had to leave town.) DH and I took care of both toddlers and did 70% of the cooking and cleaning for the 6 adults. I was so exhausted when we got back and felt like we needed a vacation from our vacation. We would have had a better time in a hotel.

          • MargaretO :

            Yeah our ratio is pretty good but I honestly don’t want to help take care of my cousins toddlers and my elderly grandmother the whole weekend – I want to actually be able to relax and spend time with the family. Lots of beautiful houses have been suggested but what you’re describing sounds like exactly what will happen if we end up using one of them. I much prefer an ok hotel with a pool and kids activities than a fancy house where I wind up spending all weekend cooking and cleaning. Your recommendations look good thank you!

    • Anonymous :

      I like renting houses but we tend to just do breakfast at the house. Eat lunch out wherever we are headed for the day and then get take out or order in for supper. This really cuts back on the dishes.

  34. Tops Tops Tops (with apologies) :

    Shopping help wanted!

    I have recently lost some weight and am refreshing my wardrobe. I need inexpensive cotton tops that don’t make me look like a Carpool Mommy (no offense to them– I would just like to have a few things to wear out with jeans that don’t make me feel frumpy and older than I really am). Have been spending a bit too much time on the instagram feeds of my unmarried friends who work in the arts and go out on weeknights and just want some fast fashion so at least I feel like Mama’s got some kind of game.

    Going to comb Forever 21 when I can, but please send links, anything! I’m tall, pear-shaped, mainly looking for things that are drapey and pair well with skinny jeans and my extra few inches of tummy flab where my child grew.

    • I would just stick to frumpy/ill fitting/age appropriate. You are helping to adopt gendered stereotypes.

      • ANON- Please leave and find something better to do with your time than troll people online.
        For OP- I’m shaped similarly and get a lot of my tops at Loft. I know these aren’t cotton, but other than that I think they fit the bill and Loft has pretty regular sales.

        • Anonymous :

          I’m liking these petal sleeves. This is the second time this week I’ve seen something like them. Hopefully they’ll replace the cold shoulders quickly!

      • That doesn’t even make sense.

    • Anonymous :

      I would do something sleek and modern. I’m not sure what your budget is, but Bloomingdale’s usually has great stuff in the stylist picks section, or ShopBop. Forever 21 runs really short on me, so I wouldn’t get discouraged if things don’t look right there.

  35. Sloan Sabbith :

    Got a DeskCycle and just set it up. LOVING it so far- can tell my legs will be sore after a day of using it. But I’m going to have to wear short-sleeves to work or I’ll be a sweaty mess all day. Anyone else have one? Any tips? I know it’s not a replacement for working out, but the extra bit of cardio/exercise can’t hurt and it’s on top of what I already do.

    • Would recommend a fan for this. Also, keeping extra deodorant at your desk.

      • Sloan Sabbith :

        Uh, yeah, thank God for deodarant…

        Going to get a little fan. My office also has the issue that it’s either REALLY HOT or REALLY COLD inside, with no nice comfortable temperature.

    • Would love to hear more about this! DeskCycle sounds like a great alternative to a treadmill desk (which I could never get the hang of)

      • Sloan Sabbith :

        $158 shipped on Amazon, took me about 10 minutes to set up. Could be kind of a challenge if your chair is on a slick/wood/plastic covered floor, but mine is on carpet and doesn’t slip. I do tap the bottom of the desk with my knee every 10 or so rotations, but not too bad.

  36. Minnie Beebe :

    PSA – Brooks Brothers is having a flash sale on women’s shoes and accessories! 80% off!

    I ordered a pair of floral-print flats as well as a necklace. But there were a bunch of lovely, lovely purses and totes that I had to talk myself out of adding to my cart.

  37. I posted a week or so ago about needing [email protected] for a multi-way dress, and I’ve found a solution!

    Here’s the dress I bought, and I’m the only reviewer on this listing, so you can see some pictures:


    [email protected]:

    I wore a regular [email protected] with the sleeved version of the dress, and it worked well. If your [email protected] is higher cut in the middle, it might be tricky, since the straps connect at the waistband, but I didn’t have issues with it peeking out. The multi-way [email protected] works surprisingly well. The waistband of the dress pulls up high enough that I didn’t need to use the extender to wrap it low on my waist, I was able to just pull the band down enough to hide it. Basically, if you want a cheap-but-good dress and a cheap-but-good [email protected], this combo fits the bill. There’s a bunch of other colors in the Von Vonni dress that have more reviews and pictures.

  38. I posted about a week ago about some apartment/roommate woes, roommate moving out and not giving me much time to find a new roommate. Well, I kept thinking, I need someone to take over that half of the rent, and my boyfriend has also been looking for a place – he and his friends have been looking, but the hunt hasn’t been going great and lately he’s been thinking it might not pan out – and we’ve been together long enough that moving in wouldn’t be a crazy idea . . .

    So this weekend I got up the courage and tossed the idea out there. I was half expecting an immediate “ehh, no, I’m not really ready for that” but he actually seemed into the idea, and said he’d think about it. But yesterday we were together, and I couldn’t tell if I was just really anxious, or if my asking him to move in put him off and now he feels weird around me. Now a part of me is worried he’s thinking he doesn’t see that kind of future with me and is thinking of ending it. Is that . . . a thing that could happen? How do I stay calm while I wait on a decision?

    • Yes, your bf deciding that he doesn’t see a future with you is a thing that could happen. That type of thing can be accelerated by considering moving in together. But, honestly, it’s better to know where you stand now. You don’t want to wait until next year’s rent cycle to find out he doesn’t see a future with you. Stay calm by distracting yourself with work, exercise, hobbies, friends, etc. I hope things work out for the best for you, whichever way that is!

    • Way better to know that he doesn’t see a future before you move in together vs. after

      Moving in together is great if you both want that for your relationship. It’s less of a great idea if the primary motivator is rental housing situation.

    • “But yesterday we were together, and I couldn’t tell if I was just really anxious, or if my asking him to move in put him off and now he feels weird around me.”

      I would try as much as possible to assume the former until he tells you otherwise. I mean this gently (and I say it as someone who is this way myself), but you seem possibly like someone who doesn’t deal that well with uncertainty. You were very upset about not getting enough notice your roommate wanted to move out but the timeline you described was months and months of notice. Now, you’ve asked your boyfriend to move in, and are (again, I say this without criticism meant!) starting to freak out about not knowing what his response is going to be after only a couple of days. This is a big decision and he’s entitled to take his time. In the meanwhile, I would try not to think about it, and breathe.

  39. Any advice on dealing with a boss who acts more like a frenemy? We are about the same age with the same experience, but she has risen through the ranks faster than I have. I take my job seriously but have sort of leaned out after having kids and am not gunning for her position, but feel like she might feel threatened by me? My day is a constant barrage of administrative requests and backhanded compliments. I don’t know if there is a way to manage this up, or if this is just a situation which won’t get better.

    • Anonymous :

      Hugs. Been there. Mine didn’t have a happy ending but mostly because of my immaturity.

    • Counter theory: could she be resentful of you for your leaning out, and feel like you’re not working hard enough compared to her? I’m not trying to justify what she’s doing; it’s just that your theory (she thinks I’m gunning for her job) doesn’t seem to explain what you’re describing (I’ve leaned out and she asks me to do a lot of work). If she thinks you’re gunning for her job and wants to undermine you, wouldn’t she not want to give you much work at all, and no compliments, even backhanded ones? Whatever the reason, I wonder if a simple check-in would check it: “Is there anything we need to talk about with work these days? It seems to me like sometimes you’re not happy with my work pace.” Or something pretty neutral like that.

  40. I’m heading to San Francisco next moth for a meeting and hoping to take toddler and husband for the weekend leading up to it. Any suggestions of places to stay with both just outside the city- no wine country (pregnant) no Muir woods. Thinking we would rent a place or stay at a hotel with a bit of character. TIA

    • LondonLeisureYear :

      Some ideas:
      Stay in Santa Cruz and go to Natural Bridges State Beach and the Monarch Butterfly Natural Preserve – wrong time of year to see the Monarch Migration but there is a info about their life cycle etc.

      Go to Half Moon Bay and go visit Moss Beach – check the tidal schedule but you can see sea lions and check out the tidal pools

      Rent boat house to stay in around Sausalito – go play bocce ball and eat pizza at Bar Bocce

      Spend a night in a Lighthouse:
      East Brother Light Station – B&B
      Point Montara Lighthouse – hostel with private rooms
      Pigeon Point Lighthouse – hostel with private rooms

      Drive down and stay in Monterey and go to the aquarium and eat at Happy Girl Kitchen.

      • LondonLeisureYear :

        oh and get ice cream at the Penny Ice Creamery in Santa Cruz. Its a must! They have a boardwalk there too if thats your thing.

  41. Senior Attorney :

    A propos of the news this week, does anybody else feel like we are the subjects of an experiment by an alien race, and at this point the aliens are all drunk and laughing and shouting “turn it up! turn it up!”

    • Anonymous :

      I’m choosing to believe that some experiment with the God particle and CERN has gone horribly wrong, and this is the parallel universe where the crazy (seemingly improbable) things are happening.

    • I’m hoping the rest of the world, especially democratic countries that were considering electing stupid but charismatic populists, are watching and seeing how badly it turns out (i.e. Maybe these constant US embarrassments caused some of the French to go for Macron rather than le Pen, or at least to not vote). I’m hoping the US is strong enough to survive this and that we’re taking one for the global team as a big, hey don’t do this.

      • Anonymous :

        I 100% think the tide is swinging the other way in Europe because Trump has been such a disaster. Who knows for sure if Macron would have won anyway, but I definitely think Trump’s antics contributed to his big win.

  42. I like the outfit idea. I think it would work well with the Louis Vuitton Pont- Neuf MM (really expensive though) or the Von Baer Business City Leather Laptop Bag in black (more affordable with quality leather). Any other suggestions?

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