Coffee Break: Marymid Pump

146 Comments

1. I’m the poster from last week who is staying with a host family in Rwanda. Thanks all for the book recommendations, but I ended up checking with the hostess and she said toys would be welcomed. The kids are 8, 4, and 8 months. Does anyone have recommendations for small, fun toys that aren’t super annoying for the parents and that don’t require a lot of explaining (since they don’t speak English at home)? I don’t know if they live in an apartment or a house so I’m reluctant to do the recommended StompRockets (they’re so fun, but I think something a little more subtle might be in order!). Any tips for those ages would be much appreciated.

   1. I don’t know how rural you’re going to get, but I’d look for toys that don’t require batteries or other pieces or parts that are consumable or would need to be replaced.

   2. What about legos? I feel like everyone loved legos as a kid, at lots of different ages.

   3. Magnatiles were suggested before, but they really are great. The pieces are large enough that they aren’t the immediate choking hazard for the 8 month old that Legos might be. And they are pretty self-explanatory. My 4 year old figured them out immediately without instruction.

      1. Agreed.

      2. Magna Tiles are awesome. I got my nephews a set when they were 3 and 5; they are 8 and 10 and they still play with them.

   4. Magnatiles or a set of Tegu magnetic blocks could work (not yet for the 8 month old, but soon enough – the 4 & 8 year old would like them). Maybe a set of memory cards. Sidewalk chalk, perhaps, if they live in an area with sidewalks, or coloring books + crayons. Wind-up cars are fun too.

   5. For the baby, the brand Taggies makes some really fun tactile toys, somewhat like a more complicated lovey. My kid was obsessed with hers.

   6. I always loved Memory as a kid. Never got old.

   7. I lived in Togo, so YMMV but small pieces might be challenging depending on what kind of environment it is. Some things that seemed popular were cuddly (but cleanable) dolls, cars/trucks, balls, magnetic stuff, things for coloring or writing.

   8. Sports balls of any kind and inflation pumps to go with them. These are often the most requested types of toys to fill the Samaritan’s Purse Operation Christmas Child boxes.

      1. Given how popular soccer is everywhere in the world except here, I bet soccer balls would go over really well!

         1. Plus you can bring them over deflated to pump up there. For the 8 month old, a Rody horse plus a pump to inflate him would fit the bill. Easily available on Amazon.

         2. These shoes are adorbs, but Stuart Weitzman shoes run too narrow for me. Anything similar out there that is at least a smidge wider?

         3. +1 to soccer balls, as no additional equipment is required to play soccer.

   9. Thanks everyone! Sounds like MagnaTiles are a favorite.

2. Has anyone made the transition from in-house back to litigation?

   I was a litigator for 3 years and have been in-house for 2.5. SO and I are considering relocating for a job opportunity for him, which would require me to quit my job. The idea of going back to a firm intimidates me a little bit because of 1) the hours and 2) my litigation skills have definitely gotten rusty. But, OTOH I don’t know that it would be reasonable for me to limit my job search in the new city to in-house positions only because I might have a lot of trouble finding something. It’s a mid-to-large size city with a decent legal market but I was _crazy_ lucky to land my current in-house job and worry that lightning won’t strike me twice.

   Thoughts? Advice? Horror stories to share?

   1. I can’t speak to transitioning back to litigation, since I’ve always been on the corporate side, but you should have an easier time finding an in-house job this time around since many companies prefer to hire someone with previous in-house experience.

   2. I would love to do the opposite. I want to go in house, b/c I have been a litiegator for 8 years now and want to start to take it easy, like my cleints do. I am over 35, so do NOT have the energy I used to as a 20 something, and am hopeing to find a guy to marry me and move me to Chapaqua where we can have kid’s. I cant really do that being a NYC litieagator. Thus the need for a move if I can’t become a judge this year. YAY!!!

3. Does anyone have any experience with the Salt Lake City chapter of the Junior League? I’m thinking about joining but understand the experience you have can be really dependent on what your local chapter is like, so any thoughts would be appreciated.

4. I was thinking about the morning thread and I am a media zombie. I’m the person you all fear your kids will become. I also watched a ton of TV as a kid and played a lot of video games. We didn’t really have the internet much then. I’m 35. I became a Facebook addict in law school. I’ve since quit but I’ve replaced it with other instant gratification digital options. I read here and Ask A Manager, I follow things on Twitter and Linked In, all of which have helped me in my career and are a a part of my job. I do them obsessively though, to the detriment of my work. I was on ADD meds but that didn’t really help much. I need deadlines to be motivated. I so much prefer just reading fluff online than doing work. Who wouldn’t. I’m the same way at home though. I know I need to do laundry but instead I watch one more show or browse Reddit. My husband and I spend quality time watching TV but most of our evenings are spent consuming some type of media. We watch a few shows in the living room. Then he plays video games in the basement and I browse the internet from the basement. Then we go to bed and he watches a show on his ipad. I read on either my ipad or phone.

   I LOVE that zoned out zombie feeling that parents try to avoid with their kids. I have no cares. The world disappears. I don’t feel anxiety or the stress of the work or life I need to tend to. I escape.

   It’s unhealthy though. I enjoy other things. I like playing with my dog or going to yoga. I go for walks. I used to play Pokemon but then I decided it was better to enjoy a walk not continuing to stare at my phone. I crochet.

   Maybe I have overheated my ovaries from all of the years of lying about with a laptop on my lap. Maybe that’s why I and so many other people struggle to conceive.

   Here’s the thing, once you become a zombie, it is hard to transition out of it. It’s a habit. You say you are going to have a screen free evening but then you don’t know what to do with yourself.

   Have any of you broken the habit? How did you do it?

   1. I am not a big screen person, but I do know the feeling of just settling into that zone. So I put major limits on myself to avoid spending too much time online or watching a screen.

      I read before bed and on my commute. I set a timer if I’m going on Instagram (15 min max, although I find that I usually feel bad enough about myself after scrolling my feed that 10 min is more than enough). I engage in other hobbies that are completely offline like writing (with a pen, on paper), drawing, playing a musical instrument, or baking. I listen to podcasts a lot, but those are while I’m walking and I’m still active, so that feels more okay.

      It’s not easy! But you can definitely do it if you want to. It sounds like you would like to cut back, so think about doing it in small ways first and see how that goes. Good luck.

   2. Could it be an anxiety disorder for you instead of ADD? Or try other ADD meds? That’s what jumps out at me. Your post is pretty stream of conscious but it ramps up my anxiety to read it.

      1. What? I don’t think so. You have jumped to the accusation of anxiety prematurely and without reason.

         1. Way to get defensive. As someone who has dealt with anxiety for 20+ years, reading your post had the same effect on me – it made me anxious just reading it. You need a better way of coping with dealing with life than staring at a screen. You are using it as avoidance in an unhealthy way if your post is real.

            1. I’m not sure the person who you’re responding to is the OP, but I also read this as being anxiety-driven. I suffer from something similar (to a lesser extent) and also have issues with anxiety.

            2. It is not defensive to have a perspective different than yours. It is my position that anxiety is too frequently used as an excuse for abnormal behavior choices. There is not enough information here in OP’s post to conclude that there is a medical problem at play such as anxiety.

            3. I’m not the person who wrote the reply and I agree, anxiety may play a role. I particularly identify with a post here awhile back that procrastination is linked to perfectionism.

         2. FWIW, I have a child with ADHD but now anxiety is a big concern, too. They are often comorbid.

         3. I’m the 3:13 anon. Lifelong anxiety disorder. The thinking patterns jump out at me from her post, and it seems I’m not alone.

   3. Therapy to get to the root cause of why you want to zone out and escape. It’s not wrong to want to do that once in a while, but it can be harmful if it’s a habit and affecting your daily life and work.

   4. …are you happy? Is your husband happy? Isn’t that all that really matters?

      1. Yes, but I think we could be happier. We did a 2 week vacation with no internet or video games. We watched some TV but very minimal. We really reconnected.

   5. I’m curious — how did you meet your husband if you are on a screen so much?

      I have an inlaw who is a screen addict but also has 0 contact with actual people most days.

      1. College.

      2. Also, your in-law may feel like his/her online friends are real people. Just like everyone here is a real person even if we don’t know each other in real life. It is certainly not a substitute for real world friends but there are people that really value their online friendships.

   6. I used to be more of a screen person (more tv than anything else) but honestly, what helped me was to become more active. I wake up early, workout, go to work (I do scroll through instagram/twitter/fb or read on my phone during my commute, usually while listening to a podcast), work, walk home if its nice (either with a phone call or more podcasts), if I’m going straight home, I have dinner with some tv and then go to bed early with a book. So I’m still getting screen time and haven’t made a conscious effort to cut down but it’s happened as I’ve gotten busier and more active. The default to screens in the evening was unintentional, and I could barely bring myself to read at night because I was so tired. But having a more active lifestyle has definitely helped.

   7. My husband and I both get way too much screentime, especially him. We’re on screens all day for work and we watch TV together in the evenings and we both use our phones a lot. I have been making the effort to get out and hike more and to plan day trips for us (neither of us uses the phone if we’re out and about unless we’re riding the subway). That alone seems to help, but it’s a work in progress to use electronics less at home. I’m sometimes too tired to read a book by the end of the day and just want to zone out with fluff as you said, but I do try to read as much as I can.

      1. I find baths to be good for this. It’s physically relaxing and there’s not a chance my phone is getting near water. My phone is in the other room and I have a book. Bliss.

   8. A random thought- I get that “in another world”, zoned out feeling reading. Usually mysteries or thrillers. Although I get get pretty absorbed and stay up later because I have trouble putting something down, it may be a lot less addictive for various reasons. Finding something you love to read might be a way to transition away from the screen (and the older style e-ink kindles are great for low eyestrain, and one without other features/internet ability)?

   9. I cut down on TV time by focusing on whether I was really getting rejuvenation, fulfillment, or joy from an activity. My brain doesn’t function well with, “You should stop doing X because it’s unhealthy.” Once I switched my focus to what I would actually help me relax or have fun, I started reading a lot, cooking more, taking Kiddo out for activities or errands, and socializing more. To be honest, this coincided with me leaving a job that contributed in major ways to my stress and anxiety, so it might be worth examining that aspect.

      1. For me it was similar. I also want to provide a slightly different perspective from OP’s re: dear worried parents. I was a latchkey child from 5th grade, consuming untold hours of TV during growing up. Mostly cartoons, and as a teenager, afternoon shows like 7th heaven and Gilmore Girls. I also was a bookworm and played video games extensively. Should I have climbed more trees and learned how to throw a ball right? Probably.

         But I am fine. I have a normal social life, stable relationships with SO, family and friends, finished school with good grades, got the degree I wanted, building a career, care about the world, I didn’t develop sqare eyes.

         Like SC, I evaluate my screen time on whether this really aligns with what I want to do with my time. Sometimes I say to myself “yes, I actually wish to waste a whole hour on pinterest right now” but often I don’t.

         1. Pinterest, to me, is a treat. I really enjoy looking at pretty photos and nice outfits. Facebook…isn’t. So I try to limit my time on Facebook (app isn’t on my phone, I don’t log in at work, my password is nonsense so I can’t remember it). I scroll Instagram for no more than 10 min at a time once or twice a day and post photos a few times a week. Reading is a treat to me that I indulge as often as I want to (and sometimes I just make myself read, knowing I’ll enjoy it once I get into it). My Kindle paperwhite sometimes keeps me up, but I can almost guarantee it’s something I’ll keep thinking about, not mindless scrolling.

5. I just went shopping. Rant ahead:

   *why is everything just sheer enough that it’s indecent without a camisole or slip? I would love to just feel like I could put one piece of clothing on and be done without worrying about layers and what goes with and under what…
   *why does my body type (pear, huge butt) look terrible in every summer offering? I want to be able to wear shapeless dresses, but I look ridiculous. I need a defined waist and a flowy, longer skirt, which does not feel very fashion forward.
   *where does a late-30s woman who wants to be on trend shop anymore?

   1. You Look Fab recently did a weekly round up of casual dresses. I like that she puts in the description which body types would work best for each selection.

   2. I’m mid 30s and found myself wondering the same thing. I know there’s a strong bias against Stitch Fix here, but this is what I rely on it for. The “on trend” weekend looks. I put my price point where I was comfortable with the more trendy pieces, and put my profile set to something like mostly classics but with some trendy options. I don’t get shoes, jewlery, and handbags. It’s worked well for me and I feel better having not “wasted” my time shopping and I schedule all my boxes, I don’t do the reoccurring ones. So, maybe 4-5/year? And with those style cards they give me I feel like I can fill out a seasonally appropriate trendy weekend wear.

   3. Mid-30s, cusp sized, curvy here. I have two cute new dresses from Old Navy. One’s called a “camisole” dress but it’s basically just s spaghetti strap summer sundress (ymmv, but i don’t care about visible bra straps in my hanging-out-at-the-park clothes), and the other is similar, but a midi length. They both have high-ish defined waists and flowy skirts. The hipster girl working at the bakery complimented my midi length one, in enough detail that it made me feel cool, so that’s something?

      1. I’ve had luck with Boden for easy day dresses. They’re not frumpy (at least on my body type), the weight of the fabric is substantial, and they usually have fun bright prints. The dresses I have from them are lined, and they do come in Tall if you like a little extra length. I am curvy and thus, can’t wear shapeless things either. If a defined waist is wrong, I don’t care to be right!

      2. I’ve been eyeing those dresses. They look really cute, but personally I just can’t get comfortable with the spaghetti strap. I wish they’d make more fit and flare dresses with an actual sleeve, even during the summer months.

         1. Maybe the solution is to treat yourself to cute bras with straps you don’t mind showing off?

   4. I just got some nice shift dresses from the Gap. Somehow they fit!

   5. Stitch Fix (for “trendy”) and Neiman Marcus Last Call (for work) have been good recent sources for me. I really would prefer to buy clothes in retail stores but the last few times I’ve tried I’ve ended up in tears.

6. Very important question – do I want grey or navy Converse? I have grey Toms but they are on their last legs and need to be replaced. The Shoreline Converse look super cute.

   1. Grey. Because grey goes with black with less thought than navy does.

   2. I’m a huge fan of grey shoes. They go with most of my wardrobe. I’ve got silver, pewter, and straight up grey and they’re easily my most worn shoes.

      1. I wish Cole Haan made grey shoes!

   3. I have two pairs of Shorelines – one pink eyelet (so cute) and one gray. The gray is a little olive-y? In this case, I’d say go with gray if you want them to be more versatile.

      I’ll warn you that, although I love the look of my Shorelines, they are not the most comfortable. I have a really high instep and the tongue does start biting into the top of my foot after a while. Ugh. My Keds that look like Converse are so much more comfortable.

   4. Definitely grey. I wear my grey Converse with everything

   5. Thanks all! Grey it is.

      NOLA – thanks for that tip as I have high arches. I plan for these to be essentially cute but not functional shoes which will not see a lot of miles so hopefully won’t be an issue!

7. Given the screen time discussion this morning – does anyone have any resources they would recommend for parenting a teenager with a social media addiction (I’ll use this term for simplicity’s sake). My uncle is struggling with how to manage/address this with his step-daughter (who he’s known forever – no weird step-parent issues). My uncle doesn’t “get” social media (and he is very much NOT present online) so I’m trying to help him educate himself on (a) how this is a real issue, not something only his step-daughter is struggling with, and (b) how he as a parent can approach this in a productive way (his strategy of everything offlimits just makes her sneak around behind their backs to create her own instagram account, etc.)

   1. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a teenager having an Instagram account and making all social media off-limits is kind of a weird rule and will only serve to isolate her from her peers. It kind of seems isolating in the way that banning a teenage girl from shaving her legs is isolating — it just makes her feel like a weirdo who doesn’t fit in. I think kids tend to glom around on social media because they’re bored, and the answer might be to let them get involved with other fun activities instead – things they’re actually interested in.

      1. +1. A teenager wanting an Instagram account does not have an “addiction.” Unless there is much more to the story than what you shared, I think the answer is your uncle needs to stop being so controlling.

      2. it’s not having instagram, it’s who she’s been messaging (strangers, older men, etc.)

         1. I replied below at the same time you were clarifying. I found my daughter was making friends with people she didn’t know in order to increase the number of likes on her posts. As far as I know she was not messaging with any strangers, but she was viewing their feeds which were objectionable in many cases. We now have a rule that any friend on social media is someone she knows or has met in real life. I follow her on Instagram and snap so I get to see her posts and who is commenting on them. This is our deal and she is abiding by it.

            I should mention that I am aware that she has two insta accounts. One is her “real” account and one is her “sp@m” account. This is normal. Teen users like to use the two accounts for different purposes. I follow her on both

            1. You do realize that you can’t see her messages by following her, correct?

      3. As the mom of a teen daughter, I second this. The reality right now is that not having a social media life means not having a social life.

         We thought my son was “addicted” to video games when he was younger. We actually talked to a counselor about it for a couple of sessions. He is a specialist in video gaming/ social media issues with kids. He said absolutely do not cut off your kid’s access to multiplayer games like Minecraft. This is their social life. He pointed out that kids in my generation used to wander the neighborhood to hang out with other kids. My son’s generation does this online. Kids do not wander outside anymore.

         It is absolutely fine to know what apps your kid is using and for how long each day – time limits are ok – but absolute zero online policies are cruel and out of touch with the modern world.

   2. My kid is much younger, but I remember *being* a teen, and social stuff is so so so important. Of course there’s the “I need to fit in!” part that’s not something that should be completely indulged, but there’s also “my connections with my peers are part of how I am developing my identity outside of the family unit” which I think can be healthy and good. I also think that kids need SOME privacy. Like shouldn’t there be somewhere this kid can talk to her friends and be sure no parent is listening in? The way kids do that now is through tech, whether we like it or not. I can’t imagine if my parents had told me no talking on the phone/three way calls/whatever. I dunno, no concrete tips, but I think that encouraging your uncle to think about the things she’s going through developmentally might be helpful.

      1. yeah I struggle with this. I think I’m getting question from my uncle (as opposed to him asking his adult son) because of the “you were once a teenage girl!!” thing. I think she needs to learn how to have a “healthy” relationship with social media and my uncle, being so disconnected, is not the one to show her that (nor does he get why she “needs” to be on social media)

   3. This may help, or make the problem much much worse… maybe suggest he read American Girls: Social Media and the Secret Lives of Teenagers, by Nancy Jo Sales?

      It could help because it goes into great depth to show how thoroughly social media has permeated the lives of teenagers.

      It could make things worse, because holy sh*t, it is terrifying. Approximately once per chapter, I would tell my boyfriend, “Thank GOD I’m not a teenager right now!!”

   4. I was just at a presentation by someone from Media Power Youth and it was really awesome. It was about teaching responsible media consumption and recognizing when you are being exposed to fantasy, advertising, bullying, etc.

      http://mediapoweryouth.org/

      1. thanks for this!

         1. I recommend the book Terms of Service by Jacob Silverman. It’s not focused on young girls, but that might be a better holistic look at the issue for the uncle. It’s good for looking at how dominant social media is in every realm, not just social life, and the tradeoffs we make as users. If his daughter is up for critical thinking as an emerging adult, he could even discuss it with her.

8. A woman I haven’t spoken to in 12 years just sent me a FB message about how I need to try Plexus.

   1) I didn’t even remember we were FB friends, that’s how long ago I had hidden her because of all her MLM posts.

   2) She started her message with, “I’m sure you’ve seen all my posts about how wonderful Plexus is…” Well, about that…

   What is it with all these MLM schemes? It kinda makes me wish Tupperware parties were still a thing. If you’re going to sell me something, at least let it be useful.

   1. These make me ragey.

   2. There are not enough eyerolls in the world for people like this.

   3. Snort – Plexus is the contract manufacturing we use at work to build things involving circuit boards.

   4. De-friend. De-friending sprees are a favorite past time, especially after a glass of vino.

      1. LOL. That makes me want to be friends with you.

   5. A few of my law school classmates have even gotten into these things (not Plexus, but others). I don’t get it.

   6. I really find it heartbreaking when I see posts and get messages from people who really aren’t very good salespeople but are trying to sell their MLM crap. I don’t buy anything, but I also wonder, “Oh, little Cindy-Lou, what made you think that you’d be good at this?”

      I have stayed far, far away from the MLM stuff, so I don’t know exactly how people get sucked into this, but I imagine it has something to do with being sold on being a “small business owner” rather than “door to door salesperson”.

      Sales positions are tough! Selling is tough when it is your career and you’ve had experience and training! To just try to jump into sales as a hobby seems difficult and exhausting.

   7. If it makes you feel any better, I had a teacher in highschool who messaged me 10 years after the last time I had seen her to tell me that Plexus can help me lose weight.

   8. Former sorority sister. Pink drink, whatever that is. We are 20 years out of college

      1. I do have a side hustle. But we are very strict on where we are allowed to post (has to be in a private group) . That said, it is not life and the reason why I started selling was that I loved the product. I don’t really care if I make a ton of $$ (I sell to fund my habit of the product) .
         I hate being added to groups without my permission and people messaging me who wouldn’t give me the time of day in real life. I have also found that you make more by being out in public then harassing on FB.

9. This is Sloan.

   Does your kiddo have CF, Anne-On? Nebs plus IVs plus surgery sounds like CF. If so and you ever need an adult perspective or have questions, let me know.

10. I like some Stuart Weitzman shoes OK, but this is just so so so frumpy. I think it is the heel shape.

    1. I think it’s the combination of the block heel and the round toe. I get that it’s apparently super in right now, but to me it will always say “Grandma.” Which is a shame because that pink suede is so yummy!

       1. To each her own but to my eye these heels look so much more modern, architectural and edgy than stilettos. I particularly hated those stilettos with a platform in front. They just feel so trailer park now.

          1. Agreed. The angle on the heel really updates it for me, I think.

             1. Yeah, I love the heels. Just not with the round toe. No can do.

11. I have a (Facebook) friend who is employed by the CIA as an analyst and, at least until recently, was a very outspoken Trump supporter. I’m dying to ask her what she thinks of today’s news but we don’t really know each other very well. I just can’t imagine how anyone in the intelligence community thinks this man is fit to lead the country.

    1. If she is covered by the Hatch Act or a federal employee code of conduct, she is not permitted to publicly comment on political matters (over-simplying). Talking to you privately is one thing but Facebooking about it could be a problem; it is not permitted under my agency’s ethics code, for example.

       1. I know. Although she made her views very clear (to her 600+ Facebook friends) during the 2016 election, which is also a Hatch Act violation, no? Anyway, like I said I barely know her and I’m not planning to ask her. I’m just insanely curious.

       2. That is an incredibly oversimplified view of the Hatch Act. You can support a candidate or a party on social media, but you cannot do it from your work computer and you cannot solicit donations. You also cannot engage in political activity while using your work title.

          Each agency has its own additional restrictions, but do not assume a violation here.
          https://osc.gov/Pages/The-Hatch-Act-Frequently-Asked-Questions-on-Federal-Employees-and-the-Use-of-Social-Media-and-Email.aspx

          1. Thank you for clarifying this for the other posters. Federal employees still have First Amendment rights … for now.

    2. I work in the IC and I only know one person who’s a Trump supporter, and this guy is a virulent racist so that explains a lot. Pretty much everyone else I know at work hates Trump.

12. I’m at that age where half of my friends have kids and half don’t. I want to host a cook-out next month and I’m trying to figure out what would work to make it more likely that my friends with kids will come. (I fully understand that toddler meltdowns sometimes make things impossible.)

    What time works best for little ones? Does an early start like 5 pm help?

    Would having bubbles and a lawn sprinkler be a lure? I don’t have either, so I’d go get them if kids would use them, but have no need for them otherwise.

    Thoughts on scheduling this on a Sunday afternoon? Everyone always has conflicting schedules for Saturdays, but no one ever has plans for Sunday afternoon. I’m always more relaxed on Sundays, but maybe that’s just me.

    1. A cheap bubble machine and/or those large bubble wands are great. A lawn sprinkler will be a hassle–kids will need to be changed in and out of swimsuits and there will be towels. Sunday afternoon at 5:00 is a great time. Most kids’ sports practices, classes, etc. will be on Saturday or will be over by that time. Your only conflict may be Sunday evening church activities, if that’s a big thing in your area.

    2. Depending on the age of the kids, my 2 y.o. naps are usually from about 1pm – 4pm. I think a start time of about 4pm would be good – people with kids can get there early and also leave before bedtime as needed. I think 5pm is fine too, but if people have to travel more than ~30 minutes that becomes a bit more challenging.

       Bubbles would definitely be a plus for my kid.

       I vastly prefer events on Saturdays, but that’s just me. Do what is more convenient for you.

    3. I have a 2-year-old, and 5 pm would be too late for us to do anything more than stop by. Even then, there’s a 50% chance that he’d be an end-of-the-day disaster before we even left the house, and we’d have to bail. The best times for us to be out of the house with Kiddo are 9-11 and 3-5. I understand that 9-11 is early for adults without kids, and that 3-5 is a super awkward time to eat.

       I don’t think it’s necessary for you to provide kids’ activities. It’s a nice gesture, but I always pack a bag full of toys, sometimes including bubbles. I wouldn’t decide to attend or not based on the presence of toys. Really, it’s all about timing–whether we have other activities or social obligations already, and whether it works for Kiddo’s nap time and bed time.

       1. +1 In terms of time, 5 p.m. is getting late for the 1 and 2 year olds (mine’s 1). It’s kinda the last possible time. I’d need to leave by 6 p.m., and my kid isn’t at her best around dinner anyways – end of day her emotions and exhaustion are likely to erupt. I’d be more likely to come to anything you hosted sometime 10 a.m. – 4 p.m. I’d come at 5 p.m. but it would be b/c you’re my good friend and I’m making extra effort. FYIW, DH and I get brunch often with the singles we still hang with – that ends up being a great way to hang.

          In terms of activities, it’s mostly about what you don’t do: No fire pits or BBQs or other stuff I have to spend the entire time keeping my kid away from as a hazard. Something simple like bubbles to blow or balls to bounce or masks to play with can go a long way and it can be a great way for the singles to play with my kid.

    4. Very thoughtful of you. Most of my dinner plans with other families with young kids are: come over when your kids finish napping (which usually means they make it around 4 or 5) so we can hang out, and we’ll eat at a reasonable time (which usually means around 6, but could be earlier if you’re having an informal bbq). Everyone is usually gone by 7:30. Bubbles and lawn sprinkler sound great. I marginally prefer Saturdays so that we don’t risk overtired kids on Monday morning, but I’d come on a Sunday.

    5. You are an awesome friend for thinking of this, just FYI.

    6. Promise Mac & cheese and chicken nuggets for picky little eaters. Don’t get fancy. Boxed Mac & cheese and frozen nuggets. Most really little kids don’t want anything to do with real from scratch Mac.

    7. I am an adult and I also love parties with early bedtimes and giant bubbles. This sounds like a great idea. :)

    8. Get a bounce house if you have the space and can afford it. I went to an adult birthday party (Saturday night, started at 6) and all the parents with kids were actually able to socialize a bit due to the bounce house. You’re a considerate host!

    9. Can you make it a “drop by any time, we’ll have bbq and bubbles going from 2-7!” type thing? It’s more work for you, but those kinds of things are so easy to attend with a kid! (That’s how my Memorial Day party is going to be. “Come by whenever, bring some stuff to grill if you might not like the stuff we’re going to grill, I promise lots of chairs for the adults and chalk for the kids!”)

13. I am interested in starting to lift and am looking for classes in or around Pleasant Hill/Walnut Creek CA. I would appreciate any recommendations.

    1. This is not exactly what you asked, but a dear friend of mine has a blog/insta/twitter called Muscles Does Crossfit and she’s wonderful and makes me want to lift heavy things all the time. I find it lovely because she’s so anti-shame and she loves food and loves muscles and loves being healthy and it’s all just… very pleasant. She talks about eating to help with body whatever (obvs. this is not my area of expertise) and reps and not quitting and all of that. And it’s totally inspiring to watch her do her thing. OK, that’s the plug for my friend’s blog where she lifts weights!

    2. Late and not in your area but I use Fitnessblender online and lift at home. I use dumbbells / kettlebells solely (along with a plyo box / bench) but I am far more focused on functional strength / fitness for health than building muscle / competing / anything like that. Worth checking out. I toy with the idea of getting more serious / joining a gym to have access to barbells / squat rack but haven’t done it yet.

    3. A Facebook friend teaches at Fitness 19 in Concord, and they have weight-based classes in addition to traditional cardio.

14. Anyone have recommendations for an app (preferably free) that I can use for hours tracking and invoice generation? I’ve recently switched to consulting independently rather than through a firm and want something that looks professional. I’ve seen invoices that are just Word or Excel documents but I always think it looks pretty low-rent and I’d like to look a bit more polished. Suggestions?

15. Anyone sold their house not long (in my case, about 15 months) after buying it? I know the rule of thumb is to stay put for five years, but I’m really miserable in my current home/neighborhood and realize I was better off as a renter. I don’t trust Zillow for home values, but it tells me they’ve skyrocketed (I live in Los Angeles). I have a call into a realtor, but would love any real life stories. I’m fully prepared to walk away only breaking even or even losing a few thousand (I’ve made substantial improvements, including new landscaping, central air, and an automated garage/gate). Thanks in advance!

    1. I haven’t but if you’re not happy, do it. Life is short. I support your decision.

    2. If you can stick it out until the 2 year mark, you won’t owe taxes on any gains realized from the sale. If you sell before then, you will owe taxes on the gain.

       1. Yes, I’ve thought about that, but I think gains are unlikely, once I include all the money I’ve spent on improvements into my cost basis. Unless my realtor says something drastically different I expect to break even at best.

          1. In that case, I say go talk to the realtor and put it on the market. There’s no reason to continue being miserable. Better to get out now and try as much as possible to minimize losses than to continue being miserable.

             Honestly, people make way, way worse investment mistakes than buying a home and selling it too soon to turn a profit. as long as you have a comfortable emergency cushion and feel like you can withstand the blow, sell it and live where you feel comfortable and happy.

             1. +1 to Torin.

                I used to work with somebody who bought a house, ended up hating it, and then selling it right away. She always said buying it was an awful decision but selling it and cutting her losses was a great decision.

    3. I did this – in my case, it was for an unexpected relocation. We’d also put a lot of money into the house, and were lucky that the market had gone up enough that we more or less broke even. Sounds like you might get lucky too, in which case I’d sell in a heartbeat. Will you make more money if you stay long term? Sounds like yes, but it’s your life we’re talking about. As long it’s not going to set you back in a serious way, do the thing that will maximize your happiness.

16. My child may be starting to develop short-sightedness. Both parents wear glasses, and I’m terrified of kiddo wearing glasses at such a young age (6).
    We already do a good amount (1-2 hours) of outdoor time, and limit screentime. He reads constantly and we try to get him to read in good light. Any other suggestions to halt or stave off the glasses-wearing until a later age?

    1. Why are you terrified of your kid wearing glasses at 6? My suggestion would be to have your kid get an eye exam promptly and get them glasses if needed. Not wearing glasses with deteriorating vision can have far more harmful effects (in school, sports, development) and in certain cases promptly getting a child glasses can lessen the need for refractive surgery (or at least this is what I was told as a kid having gotten glasses young). Near / Farsightedness are both hereditary, they just develop on different timelines and in different ways.

       Signed, got glasses at age 2, former competitive figure skater (with the glasses on)

       1. +1. By early elementary school I knew plenty of kids with glasses. I had 20/20 vision until I went to law school, but I don’t know why you’d be terrified of your six year old having to wear glasses. It’s no big deal and it will only harm him if you act weird about it.

    2. I don’t mean to minimize your feelings on this, but I think glasses on kids are adorable and when they are that young, I doubt the other kids will even care. (Middle school, maybe, but then he is old enought for contacts.) If you haven’t already, I would see an MD, just to rule out any medical issues, but otherwise, just get glasses for him.

       1. I’m also on team eff other kids who make fun of someone for a medical issue (glasses, braces, prosthesis, etc). Thats on them and should never preclude someone who needs glasses from wearing them. The people who were mean kids and made fun of my glasses as a kid are now mean adults largely. It’s a them issue not a me issue.

    3. Do you have an understanding of what you’re terrified or or where that fear is coming from? I wore glasses very young, and I’d far rather have been able to see than not. The need for glasses just seems like a normal and minor medical need to me, not a reason for strong fear.

    4. My g-d. I try not to call troll, but seriously you are “terrified” of your kid having to wear glasses? That’s the kind of reaction you expect when you find out your kid may have a life-threatening illness, not that they need an inexpensive fix for an extremely minor medical issue.

    5. I got glasses at age 7 (2nd grade). I definitely needed them. Probably could have used them a little earlier than I got them. Take your kid to the doctor and get him evaluated. If both parents wear glasses due to near-sightedness, there’s not a whole lot you can do to prevent it in the kid.

       1. Me too. I LOVED getting glasses bc all of a sudden I could see leaves and blades of grass and – oh yeah- the chalkboard. Plenty of kids get them in early elementary school. And I grew up before screen time was even a phrase…

       2. I got glasses at the same time and it was a great idea. I read a lot in non-ideal lighting but did not get tons of screen time at that age, so I don’t think that was a factor. I continue to have terrible eyes into adulthood but it’s never been a big deal since I got contacts in fifth grade.

       3. Yes! He will be so thrilled to be able to see well!

    6. If he starts reading with glasses now, you may delay further deteioratiom.

    7. Why are you so terrified? I had glasses in grade 5 and it was the best thin for me. I was able to focus more in school (becUae I could see) and wasn’t sick as often (I used to get horrible headaches because I was straining to see)
       At age 2 my youngest got glasses and she said to me, I can see!
       I was also very sporty, played soccer and swam competively (I had prescription goggles for swimming).
       If they need glasses , no big deal.
       As for being bullied, I don’t remember being bullied for wearing glasses.

    8. It is not possible to prevent short- or far- sightedness. Screen time and poor reading light may contribute to eye strain or a type of stigmatism, but neither are the same thing as the cornea shape changing. It is hereditary and there is nothing you can do.

    9. Why is this scary?

       I got glasses in Kindergarten and it was GREAT. I vividly remember walking outside wearing them for the first time. Wow! I can see individual leaves on the trees! I can see the individual red and white stripes on the flag, not just a vague pinkness! I can recognize my friend from across the street! The world is amazing! I was THRILLED.

       It was such a huge improvement to my life. Why would you want to postpone that if your kid needs them?

17. I posted a while back about drinking too much (my favorite comment called me out on my drunken typos). I know that I’m going to quit at some point (truly) but I don’t know how that’s going to happen as long as my job is insanely stressful. I don’t see that changing. Do I just quit the job? I feel like I’m not in a great place to make life decisions right now (in terms of finding a new job), what with drinking a six pack every night, but I also feel like I can’t keep living like this.

    1. And part of me thinks that I am continuing on the path of drinking on purpose…as an excuse/reason to get out of my awful job/profession. I sometimes use that to justify the drinking — as in, I just need to let this self-destructive cycle play out and everything will be okay.

       1. If you can’t fathom not quitting until your life stress calms down, then you already absolutely need help and cannot afford to wait. It sounds like you are using your stressful job as an excuse not to get help. Get thee to a doctor immediately–a psychiatrist can help you figure out what you need and even possibly prescruibe meds you may need to get your anxiety in check enough to be able to be successful in a 12-step program. My ex had to do that, but it worked.

          1. Sorry that should be “if you can’t fathom quitting drinking until your life stress calms down”

    2. Hugs, this sounds so hard, but I think you’re brave to face this (and brave to come back here if people were mean to you last time you brought it up).

       I don’t have concrete advice, really. Can you talk to a therapist? (It’s the most cliched thing on this board, but a good therapist can help you see unhealthy patterns, can help you find other stress relief, and can even make change seem *possible.*)

       Well, I do have one piece of advice: don’t quit your job right now. It’s harder to find a job when you aren’t working. But maybe you can find something that isn’t ideal, but also isn’t as stressful, to jump to temporarily while you get the rest of your life back on track? (Or just… can you do a less good job at your job? If you know you’re on your way out anyway and it wouldn’t hurt anyone?)

       1. oh, the typos comment was funny — no offense taken (I said something about how I could still type coherently after a six-pack and tequila, so I didn’t really have a problem.)

          I like the idea of doing less good at my job, although it’s the type of job that requires perfection. Argh.

       2. Honestly, +1 to this.

          You need to find a new job. You need to stop drinking. Neither of these sound possible with your current stress level. If the only thing that can give is your work, then let it slide. (Unless you are, like, a pediatric brain surgeon.)

          Come in late. Leave early. Go to therapy in the middle of the day. Take a long lunch. If you need to prioritize stuff, complete stuff that other people are waiting on so you inconvenience other people as little as possible. Say “no” to as much work as you can. Stop worrying about anything you are doing with the goal of progressing; i.e. anything that you’re only doing to make a good impression on higher-ups or because you should do it to make partner or director or whatever.

          Hopefully that will give you some breathing room. Yes, there may be some collateral damage to your career but it will be nowhere near what will happen anywhere if you continue down the path you’re on.

          1. + 1 million.

             I successfully got sober while working full time at a law firm. Do you know anyone in recovery in your city who you like? What city are you in? I have a pretty big network of ppl in the rooms.

             Lean way, way back. But don’t quit. I totally understand the appeal of letting this just take its course. In a weird way, it feels like “you, job, pushed me so hard for so long that I drank myself into losing you– and it’s your fault”.

             If that sounds familiar, it means you have been prioritizing your employer’s needs/goals over your own for way too long. If you’re a lawyer, I know how easy this is to do, and how it is super toxic/destructive and will ultimately damage your career. I think men are less prone to this because they are not socialized to downplay their needs. If a man needs to pee during a meeting, he goes to pee. He doesn’t hold it, self-consciously worried about it, unless it’s a meeting with the CEO.

             I cannot stress this enough. Do not let your devotion to your work be your downfall via the self-destructive behaviors you use to cope with the work. When you fall, it will not be recognized as due to your devotion, or anything like it– it will just be that you didn’t take care of yourself. You come first. Right now this means doing the bare minimum to stay employed and devoting all your energy to quitting drinking. It can really be done– you don’t have to go to rehab if you don’t want to. I suggest 90 meetings in 90 days. You don’t have to quit drinking, just go to the meetings. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking, not actually stopping. (To that end, drunk people come to meetings ALL the time– seriously. If you have to drink to get yourself to a meeting, do that. Just go.) Posting this here is a huge step. Listen to the still small voice inside you that wants something more for your life– work wise, health wise, joy wise. Get a copy of Caroline Knapp’s Drinking, A Love Story. If you know anyone in recovery, text or call them and see if they are up for coffee or going to a meeting together.

             Not here to debate the efficacy of AA or other alternatives. I can just tell you what worked for me. And send you lots of hugs. I know well the quiet lonely misery and desperation. And the feeling that nothing else could possibly bring relief from the stress. I’m waving at you from years later to say that come on in, the water’s fine and man it’s a lot better than when I was drinking!!

             1. Thank you Frozen Peach….That last sentence brought tears to my eyes. I wish I could skip the hard part and just get there. I am going to do less at work and try to take some time off (although my last request on that front was denied so we’ll see) Anyway, thanks again for the inspiration :)

    3. I’m no expert but it sounds like you need to find a different way of dealing with stress whether you change your job or not.

       Exercise is healthy and effective if you can find something you love. I destress by walking and playing with my dog. I have a very stressful job (criminal defense attorney) and by the time I’m done walking my dog I’ve worked through my residual anxiety and am ready to focus on other things like making dinner. I also like the free Relax app. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes I turn into a screen zombie and just binge watch a trashy tv series (vampire diaries is great for this, btw, because it moves quickly, is entertaining, and has absolutely nothing to do with my real life). Binge watching probably isn’t healthy, but it lets me turn off my brain and forget work for a while.

       If you think you have alcoholism, seek professional help. Good luck. This is a hard issue and I wish you all the best.

       1. Walking just to walk has helped me so much. A Fitbit helped, too. I can’t do the things I would otherwise do (zone, anxious spirals) if I’m trying to hit 10K steps a day.

          1. Sorry. That ^^ was Sloan.

    4. So, it appears that you are self medicating with alcohol, to deal with your stress. There are other, much much much safer medications to use for your anxiety than alcohol.

       See your doctor. Talk about your alcohol use and your awful job and whether a medication +/- seeing a psychiatrist can be a door way to better stress/anxiety reduction skills long term (therapy? AA?) and possibly a new job once things stabilize. You also need to be really really honest with your doctor as to how much alcohol you are using. Your doctor may prescribe you a long acting benzodiazipene medication to help lower your anxiety and help you safely stop alcohol so you wont have bad withdrawl or have a seizure. If your body is used to a 6 pack or more every night, it may be a shock to your body when you stop.

       Medication and seeing your doctor is truly your friend here.

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