Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Abito Draped Crepe Wrap Midi Dress

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A woman wearing a purple dress and black boots, carrying a black bag

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This drapey crepe dress from Rick Owens has a little bit of a witchy, autumnal vibe that I’m really loving.

The plum color is a beautifully unexpected neutral. and the wrap silhouette is super flattering. I might take the sleeves up just a hair, but that’s just a personal preference.

The dress is $1,485 at Net-a-Porter and comes in Italian sizes 38-48.

A couple of more affordable alternatives are two styles from Connected Apparel: in sizes 14W–24W ($55.30 on sale at Nordstrom) and 4–16 ($52 on sale at Belk)

Sales of note for 2/7/25:

  • Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
  • Boden – 15% off new season styles
  • Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
  • J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+

350 Comments

  1. I’m hoping for words of encouragement and advice. I’ve been dating someone for almost 4 years (I’m 52 and he’s 45–both childless). We are very compatible and been talking about getting married for quite some time now. We just had a wonderful two week trip together in Europe. This weekend I learned we are not on the same page with our relationship.. We agreed to take some time apart and then meet and discuss. However, I don’t think I can go forward based on some of the things he shared with me. I feel like he has been stringing me along. I’m so sad and just want to wallow but I cannot take a personal day right now. It’s not a breakup (yet) but feels like a breakup. Any suggestions for self-care and steps to take to heal? I’m afraid I won’t find love again..

    1. I’m so sorry. I’ve been there and I know how much it hurts.

      Without knowing exactly what he shared, it’s hard to make recommendations. I’m going to assume you think you’re moving toward a breakup. If you break up, going no contact is painful but ultimately the only way to go.

      If you’re “on a break,” think about what that means for you and what you need to take the next steps to either resolve it or move on.

      Can you share what he told you that has given you so many doubts?

    2. I’m close to your age and remember when we used to refer to ‘on a break’ as a breakup with extra steps. If it feels like a breakup, then it probably is.
      I’m so so sorry you are going through that.
      Huge hugs!

    3. It’s hard to advise without knowing more details, but my suggestion is to decide for yourself, don’t give away your power to him. If he’s said something that makes things untenable, make the decision to end things yourself, don’t wait for him. You’ll get over it a lot faster if you take control. And I’m sorry, that sucks. Take a sick day, I think you have terrible food poisoning and cannot possibly work today.

      1. +1, and I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I would make the decision to end things and try your best to make it a clean cut. I’d also urge you to not ‘stay friends’ or ‘meet up from time to time’ – I’ve done it and seen friends do that after breakups and it just prolonged the pain or made one person feel like they had a chance of rekindling things when it was never going to happen.

    4. I’m guessing that you leaned he has no desire to ever marry. If that’s right, you need to find out what types of commitments he is willing to make and consider if you can live with them. In a similar situation, where a guy I had been dating for three years and living with for two years still wouldn’t make a commitment (he wanted to wait till his life settled, despite being in his 30s), I broke up with him. I’m not going to lie, it was really hard for six months. If it hadn’t been for the fact that I really wanted kids, I might have gone back to him. But now, just over a year after the break up, I can tell you it was the best outcome for me. I haven’t found anyone new yet, but I have hope the right person is out there.

      My best advice is to accept that it will take time to recover. Line up your support network – I had a some friends who helped to make sure I had stuff to do every day on the weekends and some nights because it was really hard to be home alone, and where willing to listen when I had a hard day. Make a new routine for yourself, whether that is a new exercise class or art class or something similar so you are just sitting at home thinking of him. I went into the office more often so I would always have some human interactions during the day because the days I spent at home alone were the hardest. Finally, when you are ready, you can try dating again. I tried two months after the break up, and it was too soon for me. I cried in my way home from that date and think if I had meet him under different circumstance, I would have really liked him – I needed to heal first. But some people find it easier to start dating and find it helps them heal.

      1. I agree with most of this but I really disagree that she should consider whether she can live with the lack of commitment. I don’t think OP’s situation is like yours at all. It’s one thing for a guy to consistently say he’s not ready. It’s quite another for a guy to talk about marrying you and then be all, jk I don’t want to get married, when it starts to get real. The dishonesty is a dealbreaker regardless of your thoughts on marriage.

    5. I’m sorry. It sounds like you are looking for distraction and healing – I would lean on things you really enjoy doing on your own and require enough focus to take your mind off things.

      1. Completely agree. If he’s not sure at this point, he’s never going to be sure. Or, he will eventually be sure – about someone else. Sorry, but I’ve seen it happen too many times. The guy “isn’t sure” until someone comes along that he goes gaga for, and then he ends up marrying that woman within two years. And often that woman is much younger, so be prepared. (You can even see this with celebs – think George Clooney before he met Amal, and also Jon Hamm, who just got married to a younger woman after he’d lived with his previous girlfriend for over a decade without ever marrying her). I’m sorry this is happening to you, but you just need to cut him loose and move on with your life. Don’t let him waste any more of your time.

      2. 100%. You deserve someone who is sure about you. Break up with him and line up some things to look forward to in the future. After a rough break up I planned a solo international trip to keep me busy.

    6. OP here —These are all very helpful. Thank you! I’m leaning toward breakup as he shared with me that he is not on the same page re marriage and some other big issues. I love the point about taking back your power and creating new routines. I’m finding it helpful to be at work right now. It’s a good distraction because I like my coworkers. Thanks again for all the advice!

      1. You two had been talking about getting married and now all of a sudden he doesn’t want to get married? Right after a long romantic trip where you might have been expecting/hoping for a proposal? In other words he lied to you for months or years and now he’s telling the truth only because he has to. That’s despicable.

        He was pretending to be the man he knew you wanted, but unfortunately he is not that person. You were in love with a character he was playing. It will take time for you to mourn that person who never was. But don’t go back to him just because you want to hold onto what could’ve been, you’ll only drag out your heartbreak. I’m so sorry this happened to you, it is not your fault.

        1. OP here – well I wasn’t exactly expecting a proposal on the trip because we had more things to nail down to move forward but … yeah…It’s time to end things.

    7. Is it possible the trip stressed him out and wasn’t as lovely for him? I’m married for 15 years and generally get along with my spouse really well, but I know after I get back from a vacation where we’ve been together constantly that I want some alone time and the little things that don’t normally bother me about him grate (I feel the same way after too much time traveling with friends even). I just wonder if an “I need space” mood swing might be coloring things.

      That said, after 4 years, you guys should have a sense of what you do or don’t want for next steps. If you truly haven’t been on the same page, it isn’t likely to change. You are better off not wasting more time, as hard as that may be. If you want to get married and he doesn’t, even if he concedes you’ll always wonder if he’s settling. I’ve watched too many friends who gave ultimatums end up splitting a few years down the line or be miserable in unbalanced relationships.

      1. The odd thing was we got along well during the trip. That was my perspective and he told me the same—perhaps he was lying? As I read through the comments and process our conversation, I think it’s commitment issues combined with some family dynamics on his side. My gut is telling me to move on and these comments are reinforcing that.

        1. You deserve so much more. And I think you’ll find it, it all takes a little time but don’t settle for someone who isn’t jumping at the chance to marry you.

          1. Thank you. This is how I feel too. I’ve already scheduled massage appointments for this week and next week and I’m lining up my social support and fun things to do. I am worth so much more!

        2. Family dynamics sounds like something you want to steer clear of. My sister dodged a bullet on that one. She was with the guy for a long time, but her gut told her not to make it official, and her gut was right. It turns out her now ex BF was essentially money laundering for his extended family, and she’d have been liable for that as well if they’d been legally married and using joint accounts.

    8. I think Kristin Chenowith just got married for the first time at 55. I know several people who got married in their 50s and 60s. Other people gave you good advice. Move on from this guy to open up space in your life for the right man.

      1. This. And if the thing is he doesn’t want to get married, dump him asap. That’s just code for doesn’t want to build a life within someone else. And you deserve more.

      2. This is true, but Kristin Chenowith is a special case. I often think of her when I need encouragement, but she is so famous that so many men would be so happy to be her spouse so that their freinds would be envious of him being the only man able to have s-x with her.

    9. I’d just break up rather than taking a break. You deserve someone who wants to be with you and is certain about you. This is not that person. Hugs to you.

    10. My rule is “if it’s not a ‘hell, yes!” it’s a ‘no!'” You should never have convince somebody to love you, or to want the things you want. If they don’t, they are not your person.

      You’ve gotten really good advice and I second all of it. Big hugs to you. It’s hard, but the only way out is through.

    11. This is terrible. I am so sorry. It sounds like he is stringing you along breaking up too, It’s better for you in the long run if you just end it clean today. It’s hard but you will be over it faster. Hugs.

  2. Any tips for going to a concert at a stadium? My mom and I are going to see Pink’s Summer Carnival in Philly next week, and neither of us has been to a big stadium show in decades. We’ll wear comfortable shoes and have checked the rules about bags. What else? How early should we get there? Do we definitely need earplugs (we have field level seats)?

    1. I definitely recommend ear plugs! You can get there early if you want to walk around, otherwise I don’t bother. I just go right to my seats as the show is starting. Have fun!

    2. You definitely need ear plugs. I saw the Stones the last time they toured and at times felt physical pain from the volume. I could only focus on whatever hearing loss I was foolishly actively engaged in and had to leave my seat for the concourse several times.

    3. Drink plenty of water and bring a few bottles of water to your seats with you. I saw Bruce Springsteen at that venue years ago in the summer. Several people had to be carried out due to heat and dehydration. The lights on the field are crazy hot; the weather looks relatively mild this weekend but under those lights it will be much hotter than you expect. It was very difficult to leave the field once the show started. On the bright side, you won’t have to worry about needing the bathroom during the show because you will be sweating all of the water out.

    1. This was my exact reaction. If the sleeves are this long on a model who is likely 5’10”, they would look ridiculous on me. I think the sleeves make the whole dress sloppy and are completely impractical. Except for the sleeves, it is great.

    2. The sleeves are hideous, and I’m not going to buy a $1500 dress to then alter the sleeve design.

      Also hate the bell sleeve design on the cheaper dress featured. Looks cheap and out of style.

    3. I’m tall and curvy and feel like this is the perfect dress. Alas, not in the budget.

    4. I actually like the sleeves, but the back of the dress looks sloppy rather than drapey to me.

      1. She is a rail thin model. I think this is the rare find that would look tons better on someone with b–bs and a b-tt to fill out all the drapiness.

        Still not paying $1500 for it though!

  3. I work best at aiming for healthy habits that are dos rather than don’ts, i.e. do sleep 8 hours, do meditate, do eat vegetables. I also work best with a check list of habits to do daily.

    I’d love to hear your healthy daily to weekly habits that require actions, not refraining from action, i.e. don’t eat too much sugar, and how you’ve defined them for yourself.

    1. Move 30 minutes every day. Get up and walk every hour to clear your brain. Meet a checklist I found of foods to include every week for a Mediterranean diet (2 servings of fish, etc.).

    2. I like adding things in as well – but focus on things you have control of. For me, that’s finding some new veg-forward recipes, putting a certain walk or cycle ride on my to do list for the week, hitting my 70 intensity minutes on my Garmin watch per day.
      I also try to add active fun, so I’ll meet a friend for a coffee + walk, rather than just coffee, spend with abandon on yoga classes that I know I’ll enjoy etc.

    3. Move at least 20 minutes a day. I do a proper hard workout 3 times a week but J feel much better when I do a short ease yoga flow, walk the dog, or walk on the treadmill for 20 minutes every day in addition. Sitting at a desk all day is the worst.

    4. My latest thing is adding fiber. I don’t feel restricted at all and can eat whatever I want, but choosing things with more fiber make me feel fuller, and better, and they often end up being healthier choices anyway. The other thing I’m doing is a big push to eat dinner all together at the dining table instead of piecemeal or in front of the TV.

        1. Constipation, especially chronic constipation, can cause different types pelvic floor dysfunction. If you ever go to a pelvic floor therapist, they often start off by talking about bathroom habits even if you don’t bring up the subject. Pelvic floor issues can also cause constipation, which then contributes to more pelvic floor dysfunction. It’s always a factor but is especially important during pregnancy, in the postpartum period, and in menopause for hormonal reasons.

          1. This is very true. I think it’s important to actually discuss with a doctor though because I was actually advised to reduce fiber w/my full context and medical history in mind.

    5. Every day:
      – walk or run for 30 mins
      – read a book for 30 mins
      – stretch (10-15 mins)
      – some sort of gratitude practice (only takes 5 mins)

    6. Do get at least 20 minutes of exercise 365 times a year. I have a chart that goes birthday to birthday with 365 boxes on it, and I highlight the boxes for every 20 minute increment of intentional movement (yoga, hikes, dedicated walks, weights, rowing). I use different color highlighters to designate what kind of movement it was (yellow = yoga, green = hikes, orange = weights, pink = cardio). This allows me to “catch up” easily if I “fall behind” – I can do a one hour yoga class and check off three boxes. I’ve been doing this for three years now and it works really well, and can incorporate with other programs easily while still being the one big habit tracker I come back to.

      Other healthy daily habits:
      Do drink warm water with Himalayan salt and lemon every morning first thing
      Do meditate every morning
      Do listen to music (not just podcasts) every day. I notice this one really shifts my mood

      1. Can you please share where you got this chart? I have been struggling to start a long term workout program and this would be perfect for me.

        1. I made it in excel. It’s 21 columns x 19 rows, made into squares. Each square cell has a number, counting up to 365. Title on the top with my name, and there’s a quote of the year on the bottom.

          If you share a burner email I’ll send you my version. You would have to modify a bit to fit your birthday (or just do it based on my birthday, which is Sept 15 so good time to start :)). After the first year, I added month markers so that I could kind of track where I was at in the year.

          1. oh wow thank you! could you send to calichick96 at the hotmail? That sounds amazing and something beyond my capability of creating haha.

          2. me too please!! ruthbaderg at gmail; this is an incredible idea! WISH I HAD THE EXCEL SKILLS :)

    7. I have a habit tracker, and I literally put “go outside” (I WFH), “read something for fun”, “take my vitamins”, “do stretches”, “wash the dishes”…pretty mundane tasks, but I feel good about checking them off!

    8. I copied, enlarged and posted on my refrigerator a meme that says “Part of adulting is taking yo ass to bed on time”. Mostly I learned to adult a long time ago, but I am bad to engage in bedtime procrastination and suffer for it the next day. I also proactively eat an apple every day, and I drink a strong ginger tea every day.

    9. Get outside every single day. I haven’t broken my streak in almost a year, including through epic storms. It feels like a big accomplishment at a time when life has been very hard.

    10. Do brush my teeth when my kids do at night, so that I don’t snack in the evening and also I’m one step closer to going to bed myself.
      Do eat fruit with every meal for dessert.
      Do go outside for 20 minutes every day.
      Do make at least one vegan dinner a week.

      1. Ooh I love the idea of brushing at the same time as the kids, that is brilliant. I always have trouble getting them to brush for 2 minutes, but if I am standing there with them, it will be easier to enforce. Not sure why this never occurred to me, but I’m going to try it!

        1. The only way I get my kids to brush for two minutes is by listening to the podcast Chompers- it’s two minutes of facts on a weekly topic. There’s a bell to switch sides. It’s only on Spotify and they don’t have new episodes anymore, but we just listen to the same episodes over and over.
          Like it’s at the point where we don’t call it “brushing teeth”; we call it “doing Chompers.”

    11. Do:
      Drink tea for my caffeine
      Floss daily, brush twice
      Wear sunscreen every single day
      Take a probiotic & vitamin D
      Take all makeup and sunscreen off before bed
      Have fruit with breakfast
      Wear seatbelt for every drive
      Mask in crowded situations

        1. That’s why there are click it or ticket signs all over the highway. Those signs wouldn’t be there if everyone buckled up. It’s actually astounding how many people don’t.

        2. Yes. A friend’s husband. I was DDing them a while ago and he was in the back and wasn’t interested in belting, so I refused to drive anywhere until he did. Unreal.

          1. But his friend’s sister’s roommate was thrown clear of the accident and it saved his life!!1!

    12. Do give yourself a break when you need it, do get enough sunlight and nature, do make time for new things and creativity

      1. Ooh! I like the creativity one! I try to so something creative every day- either a small doodle or write a haiku or write in my journal, something like that- i don’t manage every day, but I do most days.

    13. Get vegetables into my body starting first thing. I find this is better than focusing on what not to eat. I added soup as a frequent breakfast dish (vegetable, lentil, minestrone, red lentil, etc.), and I try to choose a mid-morning snack that includes veggies (this is harder for me). Otherwise I found that I wasn’t eating any vegetables until dinner.

  4. For those of you in more senior roles, do you think a lack of travel experience reflects poorly on junior colleagues who are climbing into the middle tier?

    I recently had a dinner conversation with a VP who was dumbfounded that I had nothing to say about Maui, Rome, or Brussels. I was listening attentively, but having never visited any of these places there really wasn’t much for me to contribute. It seemed his opinion shifted of me while we were talking and now I feel blue about it. I’ve had this before, but only with rich classmates, not with senior coworkers. Is it in my head, or do you think this will impact my perceived potential with this company?

    1. I think this should be a red flag to YOU about this company. That management is looking for class signals rather than competence and fit for the work.

      1. I would never ascribe “what management is looking for” off the actions of one individual VP.

    2. I’ve only been to 1 of those places (Rome), and I’m a VP myself. This person seems pretentious.

    3. That VP was being a pretentious jerk. It’s not even in your head – unless this is part of your company culture, I’d assume he’s an outlier. All travel is good in the sense of broadening horizons, but that’s in a general sense. But no, you don’t have to travel widely abroad to have upward career mobility.

      1. +1

        I will just add, there is such a huge wide variety of ways one can broaden horizons that don’t involve international traveling. Extensive reading, deep ties to community service, deep personal study into topics of interest, a dedicated meditation practice, exploring different hobbies, getting to know people of a wide variety of backgrounds who live in our communities – I personally would argue those things broaden a person’s horizon much more widely than comfortable international travel. This dude’s emphasis on travel makes me think he’s the kind of person whose horizons are actually fairly narrow.

    4. Ugh, my sympathies. I once expressed puzzlement about how a boss did a 4 day trip to Lake Geneva without any jetlag… “that’s an awfully long flight from San Francisco…” only to be met with laughter. I didn’t know there was a Lake Geneva where fancy people went in the US.

      1. Oh no the Lake Geneva in the US is not fancy. It’s a vacation destination for Midwesterners who can’t afford to fly elsewhere. That person was being ridiculous.

          1. Yeah, WASPY east coaster here who had never heard of it til just now. A quick google search isn’t showing me anything particularly fancy?

          2. The only reason I’ve heard of Lake Geneva is that I had to attend a conference at a nasty resort there that used to be a Pl@yb0y resort. There are a bunch of expensive private homes on the lake.

          3. Yeah, I seriously question anyone who flies from SF to go to Lake Geneva, Illinois…and admits it. I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt and hope it was a family reunion/tradition. It’s a fine place but nothing worth flying for, IMO, especially from such a beautiful place already! Totally not your mistake CB. I hadn’t heard of the Illinois place until I moved to Chicago, and I’m from elsewhere in the Midwest.

          4. :) Lake Geneva is in Wisconsin.

            Signed, original Wisco girl who went to high school DECA competitions at the old Pl@yboy resort, and finds it HILARIOUS that rich people fly in to visit that place.

          5. Rich people don’t normally fly across the country to Lake Geneva. I live in a neighboring state and even here rich people look at it as a place for people who can’t afford to go to better places. This guy Cb knew is super weird.

          6. Long before the bunny magazine came in, it was a getaway for Chicago’s ultra wealthy industrialists. I don’t get this board sometimes… you all claim to be in the know and wealthy, yet act like a bunch of small town teenagers who can’t see beyond the end of their noses.

        1. Depends. There are some upper/middle class resorts there, and then there are mansions worth $36M.

          1. Fair, if you own a $30M home you’re fancy :)
            But I doubt someone in SF owns an estate there and it’s not a fancy place to visit as a tourist. The hotels are not that nice.

      2. This reminds me of one time when I was looking for a coworker in my Manhattan office, and someone said, “Oh, he’s in Jamaica today.” And I was like, “oh, lucky him.” And then they laughed and said, “No, he’s in Jamaica, Queens.”

    5. If it does, then your company is out of touch and elitist. Not all of us were brought up with money, much less money to afford a bunch of overseas travel. Your VP is a tool.

    6. I don’t think we can answer whether it reflects poorly to the VP you encountered (though it sounds like it probably did).
      I do think we can say that it *shouldn’t* reflect poorly, and to the extent it did for him, that’s unreasonable (and gross and classist) on his part.

    7. Sounds like this guy is just in the Venn Diagram of “rich classmate” and “senior coworker.” I promise there are plenty of senior people who only began to have the opportunity to travel once they came up in their careers.

      One tool I use in situations like this, so that I don’t have to be in the position of just silently listening, is to ask questions. “Oh I’ve never been, what would you recommend for a first trip?” Etc. And then you can pivot to talking about things you like/that would make a trip interesting for you – food, sports, art, etc, so that you can have more of a back and forth.

    8. I mean, I can’t imagine this making a difference in my context (legal department of a very large bank), but I guess it could matter in the specific context of your company or department.

    9. I think this ridiculous. I travel an insane amount (like 4-5 international vacations per year) and I’ve never been to Brussels and last went to Maui with my family 20 years ago. How they can expect everyone to discuss specific places?!

        1. That was my thought…I’ve been to about 20 international cities, and Brussels isn’t one of them.

        2. So, first off, your coworker is a tool. Aside from that though, is Brussels really considered a ‘must see’? I’ve been to many European cities (work mostly, plus study abroad and ‘big’ trips) but Brussels hasn’t once crossed my mind as a place I should visit.

          1. Unless you have business with the EU offices, skip Brussels. There are great museums and a lovely old town, but it’s also very much just an office town.

    10. I’m extremely well traveled and I’ve never been to Maui or Rome and have nothing nice to say about Brussels. Did you ask questions? Did you steer the conversation? Did you participate?

    11. What industry are you in?

      I think for most industries it’d be odd to expect people to have been to certain locations.

    12. So I think it’s not just about the lack of travel but more about the fact that you listened and didn’t engage. You don’t have to have been able to visit these places in order to know something about them or express an interest in things that one can see or do there. Travel does broaden the mind but so does reading.

      1. +1, it may have been a reaction to your own apparent discomfort/self-consciousness. You don’t have to have been to a place to engage in a conversation about it – ask questions about what they did, what they liked, or compare it to your own travel experiences or desires not in that specific place. “Oh you found Rome to be super hot in the summer? Yea that sounds challenging, I also love visiting cooler destinations, one of my favorite places I’ve been is Maine/NorCal/the Rockies because it’s so refreshing.”

        1. +1, this is about your networking skills, not your travel plans. Engage actively and ask questions.

    13. I immediately thought that this was just a clueless rich dude. I would not make any assumptions about the rest of your colleagues.

      One skill to learn is asking questions and responding in an engaging way, even if you don’t have personal experience with the topic. It helps in all areas of life.

      1. I agree with this. And travel is easy “oh I haven’t been there but it’s high on my list, where did you stay? Any must do things? Highlights?” Etc etc etc

    14. “Maybe if bonuses are bigger this year and the powers that be decide to give us more vacation time starting in January, I will be able to travel to Europe or Hawaii next year.”

      I would be so tempted to make a snarky comment like this, but I’m sure it’s ill-advised.

    15. This is just so tone deaf — does any company want to dump on first-gen kids and people who were born to families that maybe prioritized family visits over international travel? And then those jerks can STFU when talking to military families who moved annually and went to college even if they went to 10 schools in K-12? Maybe they never went to Baden-Baden, but they could have well been in Germany while a parent was in Iraq. Ugh.

      I think that my approach has always been “Tell me about X.” And if pushed, “I didn’t get to visit X, but what you tell me might determine where it is on my list to visit someday. When I was younger and had time to travel, I was working as a Walmart casher trying to make some money to afford books at college,” which tends to shut people up.

      Ugh. Some people s*ck.

      1. Yes lots of companies want to dump on first gen kids. I grew up upper middle class (my parents had a small house and old cars, but we took vacations including some to Europe, I did a rich person sport and they paid for my fancy private college in full) and I still felt incredibly poor and out of place in Bug Law. I can’t imagine how someone who really came from modest means would feel.

        1. I’ve kind of embraced being a child of poorer rural people (thankfully they had a set of encyclopedias — remember then? — that I devoured as a kid so I know about a lot but often mispronounce words in other languages b/c I only speak English even if I know what the other-language words mean from learning in school). Like born-in-your-house rural. It may not be for everyone but I feel like I may be 5-10 years ahead of some people in my career and I totally want to normalize that we all have a seat at the table and we all belong where we are (and elsewhere!) and I want to make sure that no other new-to-this person feels like they should have to hide who their family is. Their family is probably the most important thing in the world to them (or not) and no different from anyone else’s.

      2. Or just kids whose families are too poor to travel? In NYC there are kids growing up in the outer boroughs who haven’t even been into Manhattan.

      3. I think often they just do want to! Two examples I witnessed and may have mentioned before are starting a conversation with a group of people by asking about everyone’s favorite restaurant in Paris (I’m in the US), and another setting where someone asked how everyone enjoyed this year’s skiing season… they’re whittling down the active participants in the conversation to the people they actually want to hear from in the first place. And no, active, engaged listening doesn’t count for as much as having one’s own experiences and opinions to contribute.

        That doesn’t explain grilling one individual about their travel history, but I’m not convinced people are as clueless or tone deaf as they seem.

        1. Oh good grief. I’ve been to Paris half a dozen times but I couldn’t name a favorite restaurant. I just eat in cafes and don’t pay much attention to the names. Those people are insufferable.

          1. I have a favorite restaurant in Paris precisely because it was such a rare experience for me to go there. I’d been wanting to for my entire life, finally went at age 50 for the first time, and everything was so special to me that I now have a favorite restaurant in Paris!

        2. Not all rich people ski or vacation in Paris, though! It’s not so much about screening for other rich people as it is about dominating the conversation and making it about oneself.

          1. Yes, and I really don’t even want to begrudge people bonding over their favorite new trendy Parisian cafe (sounds lovely to me). I guess people in general want to find their set so they feel more comfortable at work events, but they aren’t really thinking about how it plays out and are maybe not very comfortable with people who don’t have a lot of shared experiences with them.

    16. I think it depends on what you do. Are you at a services firm of some kind (investment banking, law, VC, private equity) where you need to interact with wealthier clients and carry on conversations about things like travel? If so, a lack of experience could hold you back. At most corporations though it’s not an issue.

    17. What does reflect poorly on you is travel incompetence or quirky travel preferences that cause hassles for your colleagues when traveling together on business. I had one employee who used to drive her motor home and bring her family on business trips, which caused problems when she couldn’t find a campground nearby or wouldn’t be available for team prep work in the hotel lobby before or after business hours. Or the people who book bargain-basement hotels or rental cars that end up creating logistical hassles for the whole team. Etc. You don’t need a ton of travel experience to avoid being an annoying travel companion, just common sense and the ability to seek information and problem-solve.

      In your situation, the senior colleague was purposely being a jerk to ruffle your feathers. With people like this, you need to learn to keep a conversation going while keeping it about them but also not appearing weak or fawning. Oh, that sounds like a lovely trip. What was your favorite part? (NOT Oh wow that sounds great I wish I could go there too!)

      1. +1 this is actual good career advice. Learning to keep a conversation going about things that you are not personally interested or experienced in is very valuable.

        1. This. It’s not about the places. It’s the ability to engage. Like you don’t have to go to a Paris to ask people their favourite French meal that they had on their trip. That shows more engagement than nodding and ‘listening attentively’.

      2. Wow, I would love to hear more about the logic the motor home employee used to justify why it was ok for her family to be interfering with the business trip she was supposed to be on! That is truly something.

      3. A motor home? That’s bizarre, but it reminds me of a similar behavior. When I was very junior in my career, I booked travel, and 1 executive refused to fly. She lived in the midwest and preferred to drive halfway across the country to a DC or NYC meeting. Several times she had car trouble. I had to book her travel with days of leeway before a meeting.

        1. I was in a plane that had a belly landing when I was a kid. [I still fly though. Much safer than driving.] Absent a story like that, ugh. Some people bring, if not the drama, definitely the complexity. [Although: I can see someone with some severe GI issues thinking that car is best but car isn’t always the help you think it is if it breaks down or you get stuck in traffic.]

      4. This is crazy! And I get annoyed if someone I am traveling with for work checks their luggage instead of carry on!!

      5. +1 He was rude but you make the most most money from the jerks. You could have asked so many different questions related to what they were talking about. What was your favorite part is a good question. To close the conversation after that I would ask about their travel plans. This is about them and their ego. You don’t need to share anything about yourself.

      6. Agree, this guy is an ass but conversation is important. For example you could ask about favorite meals in Brussels if you’re a foodie or hiking in Maui if that’s something you’re into and knowledgeable about.

    18. I don’t believe a lack of travel experience will impact your career at this company. Most people don’t care, and won’t even remember. What will impact you is having nothing to say or contribute. It’s been my experience that people talk about all types of things at business dinners, some of which I know nothing about and could not care less. Not only is it rude to have nothing to say, it indicates a lack of caring and interest about someone you work with.

      In any given situation (looking at you Brazilian football / soccer) you can always ask what was your favorite place, favorite meal, what surprised you, what do you recommend, what did you not see, would you go again, how does X work. For sure, three of these questions will create 30 minutes or more of conversation.

      FWIW, I like Brussels a lot, at least for business travel, and would be happy to tell someone who hasn’t been there why.

      1. I have definitely ended up in situations like the Brazilian football example, and I’m totally comfortable saying, “Oh, I don’t know anything about that! How did you get interested in that?” I will straight up own my ignorance and turn it back on the person asking, because then they get to talk about themselves, which most people enjoy…

    19. This guy sounds pretentious and like he’s a poor conversationalist with limited people skills (or, worse, that he didn’t care enough about your conversation to turn on his people skills). A good conversationalist whose primary motivation isn’t to make someone else in the conversation feel bad would be willing to engage with you on topics you are familiar with. It’s so easy to have a conversation about travel even if you haven’t been to a particular place if the other person isn’t being a jerk. “Oh, I’ve never been to Maui, but in 2019 I went to Kauai and hiked the Kalalau trail– have you been to Kauai? You have? What do you think about Maui v. Kauai?” “What did you enjoy most about Brussles?” “bla bal blah” “Oh, don’t you just love blah blah blah??? Reminds me of [blah blah thing I read]”

    20. I am arguably one of the most traveled people in my circle. For example, I’ve been on a three month safari in Africa, a cruise in the Galapagos, traveled to Antarctica and every other continents, and hiked to Machu Picchu. I did a lot of adventures travel in my 20s and early 30s . But I’ve spent very little time in Europe since those were the types of trips I wanted to do with kids in the future.

      With that background, I once had a very similar conversation with a biglaw partner at a summer associate lunch. He asked about my summer vacation plan and I talked about my planned river cruise in the Amazon. He made it very clear that he thought this type of travel was unsophisticated and looked down in the fact that I hadn’t been to many European cities. This is all to say, with jerks, you can never win unless you do the exact thing they would do. It reflected badly on him, not me. And every other partner and client have had discussed travel with finds my decision to go to more unique places interesting

      1. Yes! You just can’t win with this kind of jerk, because you are making them uncomfortable by being comfortable doing something different. So they lash out by being snobby about your choices. FWIW, I consider myself reasonably well-traveled but I’ve never been to any of the places he lists.

        I just had this happen over kids and schools. A mutual acquaintance took it upon themselves to crap all over my decision to have our kids attend the local public school instead of a parochial school. Neither he nor his kids had ever passed through the doors of the local public school, but apparently it’s a snake pit. Massively irritating, especially since we aren’t co-religionists.

    21. I remember vividly being an entry level person and several of us were having a chitchat with our boss’s boss before a staff meeting. He asked what everyone had done for the weekend. I think most of us had done very unimpressive things because none of us had any money at that point.

      He then volunteered that his wife had wanted to go to an upscale spa in Napa (we’re in the Bay Area) and they had a good time, it was a “fun way to blow a grand or two.”

      It was 1990. My rent was $900 and I was scraping by every month to get there. Blowing a grand or two on a weekend at a spa is was about as remote to me as a weekend jaunt to the moon.

      Sometimes people need to just STFU.

      And now I’m 58 and have been to that spa (but only when work paid for an offsite there) and I’ve also been to Maui but never Rome or Brussels. Hope that helps!

      1. My boss used to take his wife on long weekend shopping trips to Paris (from California) where they spent mid-five figures on clothes. He would always tell us the total when they got back and it was so tacky.

      2. This reminds of chatting with one of my PE clients while I was a young associate in Biglaw. He asked about my travel plans – I had just been to Europe – so he asked how I got there and I was like um, we flew with KLM? And he was like, oh, that’s ok, you’re still young, but you’ll see, flying private (as in, a private jet) is really the way to do it. As if anybody over 40 who doesn’t jet to Europe is really missing out on life. I realized we lived in very different worlds, but made a polite “uh huh” type comment and moved on.

        1. I wouldn’t fly private if I had unlimited funds. It’s nowhere near as safe as commercial aviation. First class, absolutely, but not private.

    22. I have always thought that people who listed traveling as a hobby were traveling through work, super privileged, or not saving as a result. Traveling is often a very expensive and time consuming hobby and people are often very pretentious about it. Don’t feel bad! This guy sounds like a jerk!

      1. So I am going to take a completely different position here. I travel a lot – starting in my mid-20s and continuing to now (my mid-50s). As a hobby it is neither time consuming nor necessarily expensive. I love to plan travel, do it well, and at least once a year take an international vacation for less than a lot of people pay for domestic travel. Just as there is no reason to assume that people who don’t travel are stupid or uneducated or unadventurous, there is no reason to assume that those of us who travel quite a lot are financially irresponsible (or not paying our own way). I drive a 10+ year old car. I would never buy a handbag that cost four figures. But I have been to France twice in the past year. There is clearly a lot of judgment in both directions here!

        To OP – I think the real questions are more (1) have you travelled but just not to those places? If so, the response is that you love XYZ place or have family there and so your travel has been focused there or (2) you did not grow up in a family that travelled and for [insert reason here] you have not done it as an adult. And then ask for his stories. Because this is way more about how you handle the question (and whether your lack of travel is because you are timid) than the question itself.

    23. um, i’ve been to Maui, but it was 20 years ago as a kid so not much to say about that. i haven’t been to Rome or Brussels, but have traveled to other places. this seems sooooo oddly specific and strange. and classist. also, there was just a pandemic. i also have small children so its been a while since i’ve done any international travel. my comment would be, sounds like fun, i hope to make it there some day. i will say that depending on age/stage of life if i was living in Philly and having a conversation with someone who had never been to NYC or DC I would think it is strange, but not if the person was fresh out of college.

    24. LOL. I’m reasonably senior and well-traveled and couldn’t speak to Maui or Brussels, and my trip to Rome was a blur in the middle of a month-long European backpacking trip. This VP is a dooouche.

    25. I’ve been to 6/7 continents and I haven’t been to Rome or Maui. But even if I had, I didn’t grow up that way or in a family that could afford it. I would also say that I’ve had plenty of managers who were very interested in their golf game and I have never contributed anything to those conversations. I would assume you will have opportunities to have conversations with leadership at other times. Identify those leaders you do have something in common with and focus your energy there.

  5. Can any full time remote in-house lawyers speak to how they have been effective counsel without having the chance to interact and build in person relationships with their internal clients?

    1. Yes- when I started it was fully remote and stayed that way for a year. I scheduled lots of getting to know you meetings, made a point of asking people to share something good going on in their department, and was friendly. I still haven’t met many of my clients in person because they aren’t local and have great relationships with them.

    2. I had a remote in-house role before the pandemic and honestly, the only way was regular travel to meet people in person. I used to go to HQs about every 6 weeks or so.

    3. I’m a fully remote in-house attorney and second the comment above that you have to travel to meet people. IME, you need to see your core internal clients in person once a quarter in order to have a solid relationship. This means I travel a minimum of 12 weeks a year because I have two sets of internal clients in addition to my colleagues in my department. I would stress that the visits aren’t just office visits; my company expects you to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner with colleagues while on work travel in order to maximize your limited time together.

    4. Schedule regular 1:1 Zooms. They don’t have to be long. They can be over lunch or coffee.

      1. Clients don’t want this. Nobody wants to be eating lunch in front a video camera. A sure fire way to alienate clients is to take the approach that they have to do unnecessary Zoom meetings.

    5. I lean into to asking people about their families, weekends, etc. and sharing information about me as a person. If you are intentional about getting to know people, I don’t think it is much different than being in person. I have had senior leaders I never met in person and felt pretty connected with due to taking an extra couple minutes, when time allowed to check in on how they are doing as a person.

    6. I’m corporate in-house, have been remote more or less since the pandemic. I need to know the CFO, Finance, the equity team, and anyone that I’m working with on privacy, real estate or commercial contracts. But mostly I do “secret legal” stuff, and so I make sure my relationship is great with my boss, the CFO and the Board, and that’s gotten me far. Our culture is very remote-friendly, and so people navigate the org well.

      I co-sign that getting to know you meetings are OK, but awkward. You really shine when you are helpful, competent and add value to colleagues on projects/tasks. Then you become a go-to resource. This is not that different from working side-by-side, in my experience.

      1. Yes, the “three As” method of getting client buy-in as an in-house attorney: you need to be available, able, and amiable (otherwise, you’ll be viewed as an impediment, a work-around, and not a substantive, value-added partner).

    7. I think it depends on your company culture. My F50 company has tons of remote people, so it’s no big deal to have regular meetings with them via video to build relationships. My company also does not have a large travel budget for the legal dept, so no one expects me to go see them in person unless there is a very specific reason I need to see them.

  6. Getting ready to move in with my bf in a few months. We’re in our 40s, no kids involved in this move. He is moving to my city and we are moving into a new apartment together. I’ve never lived with a partner, he only has out of past necessity, not out of choice, so this is new for us both. What advice do you have? (It can be for preparing for the move or the living together or anything you think might be helpful.)

    1. Make sure you are aligned philosophically on cleaning and clutter. If one of you can’t stand a dirty dish or glass on the counter overnight and the other is fine with letting the dishes pile up for 2 days and then doing a marathon cleanup session all at once, you are going to have to come to a meeting of the minds or one of you is going to resent the other big time. From reading this board, it sounds like some couples have disagreements over stuff being left out or not put in their proper place (shoes, coats, dirty laundry, etc.), so those would also be good things to discuss and agree on before moving in if you’ve noticed that you have different habits in those areas. Also come to a general understanding on household responsibilities: paying bills, taking out the trash/recycling, running errands, laundry frequency, etc.

      Start figuring out your furniture/stuff situation. If one of you has a great bed and the other has a great couch, that works out well. If both of you have a nice, new-ish couch, one of you is going to have to agree to part with their couch. Same goes for books, clothes (depends on your closet space), wall art, etc. Also figure out if you’re going to need to store some bulky items so they are out of the way: golf clubs, camping equipment, bikes, etc.

    2. Make space for his clothes and belongings! I was so embarrassed when my then-boyfriend, now husband moved in. We were in our late 30s. He had never lived with a partner, and I hadn’t lived with one for 10+ years, so we both had accumulated a lot of stuff.

      1. Embarrassed because I literally had no room for him in the dresser or closet, and it felt very rude inviting someone to move in without this consideration. We bought him a dresser and shoe organizer. I wish we had made those purchases first!

    3. Agree to be partners, and treat running the household as a partnership. Each person has responsibilities; they are different but should be roughly equal, and the other person supports those responsibilities.

      Personally dividing up the different household responsibilities works much better for us than switching the responsibilities back and forth. I don’t want DH to load the dishwasher; I’m fine with that always being my job, because he’s going to do the laundry (which he thinks I do wrong too ;)).

    4. Eh, it’s going to work I’d you two are compatible and it will be a disaster if you aren’t. You probably already know enough about each other to tell that. My practical advice is get more space than you think you need if you can afford it. Get an extra bedroom, office space, have some room to spread out so you don’t feel togetherness all the time.

    5. Talk about what your schedules look like, how much advance notice you should give each other if you’re going to be late or if you’re making other plans, and set up a shared calendar (and use it!). It’s an adjustment to have someone at home waiting for you. Before I lived with DH neither of us would even know if work went late or if we decided to grab a drink with a friend after work. But when you’re living with someone you kind of always have plans together. Your partner might worry, or they’re holding up dinner because they thought you’d eat together, or they turned down last minute plans with a friend because they didn’t want to leave you in the lurch, and so on.

      The last guy I lived with before DH was hugely problematic this way. For example, it would be his night to cook dinner but he would decide to go out instead and not tell me. I’m home, it’s after 8, I’m trying to reach him and he’s not answering. I would get annoyed then he would get defensive and claim I was being his jailer. I don’t care if you go out but please tell me! I would’ve stopped at the store on the way home if I’d known I was on my own. Then if I was 15 minutes late coming home from work I was being a hypocrite. Even with DH we sometimes step on each others toes but if you both know you’re trying to be respectful then it’s a lot easier to give each other grace.

      1. Communication and being considerate are important but sharing your phone location makes this a lot easier. You can see each other’s location and transit status without feeling like you’re nagging or being nagged.

    6. It’s fun to play house when you first move in together. But start as you mean to continue. Don’t do all the cooking, all the dishes, all the cleaning, all the shopping. Lay out a list of chores together and make it as 50/50 as you possibly can. Believe me when I say this will save you a lot of aggravation in the future.

      1. This is great advice!! Adding on- don’t take over his tasks that he’s been successfully doing for years. My husband is still in charge of all his family’s presents.

    7. I fought a ton with my bf when we first moved in together. It required a lot of adjustment on both our parts even in simple ways like closing the kitchen cabinet doors and how to organize the kitchen. We both also love to cook and had a lot of equipment. I think you just need to be ready for the ups and downs of it and try to focus on the relationship. We are still happily together.

  7. I’m having a moment in my job where it feels like no good deed goes unpunished, and doing the right thing ends up in greater demands and entitlement from people. Or lots of second-guessing behind my back and dealing with the ramifications of that. This is now the second time in six weeks that I’ve cried on a Friday afternoon when I got home from work. I don’t know if I’m just too sensitive or I need a new job or both, but I am very demoralized. Public sector work is where my heart has been at but I’m finding it soul-crushing these days.

    1. Commiseration. I’m also burnt out from the public sector. There’s so much criticism and scruitiny lately. I keep seeing/hearing how I should actually be volunteering for free if I care about the mission. Like my job should be a hobby, not a career. I don’t feel valued at all.

    2. I feel this so hard. When I ask, what is your plan for X, I was not offering to take on X. It is not my job to do X, it’s actually your job, and I will not be doing it.

    3. +1 – Also public sector, so burned out, and actively looking. I may quit in the next few weeks to just give myself some time to recover, and yes I know I’m in a lucky position, and I’m grateful to have the option. Some days I feel like my (MBBS) partner and I don’t work that different of hours on weekdays.

      This last year has been terrible for my mental and physical health.

      I was in a room where HR was presenting something today and they literally said “Well, we’re not here for the money” when covering our merit structure and I just wanted to hurl something at the screen. Our work badges literally have the word “family” on them; such a tone-deaf, red flag type of thing. It’s all so disheartening.

  8. Any in house folks have tips for increasing my chances of getting hired as a secondee? This position is only to cover for someone on maternity leave but I’d love to get hired here. I think at the end of the day it’s going to come down to funding as I feel like my boss would love to have someone with my skill set on her team.

    1. It’s definitely funding related. The best you can do is tell them you’d love to join full time. You may not be able to immediately but if a role opens up, you’re probably the first call. Do good work and make your desires known.

    2. Be open to/tactfully let them know you’re open to being considered in the future if funding becomes available later. They may not have an open role when your secondment ends, but they very well could have one in the new year that they’d love to see you in.

    3. Be enthusiastic, give sharp advice, and roll up your sleeves. There may not be budget now, but there might be. The person on leave may come back, or may not, or maybe will only be back for a short time. You can’t control whether this company hires you, but you can control that you should be the first call if they’re looking, whether now or later! Good luck!

  9. Any current estimate on what a roof (a re-roofing of an existing roof) should cost for a 1-story 1400-sq ft house in the DMV area (Arlington)? It’s at the end of its useful life (and had some recent storm damage).

      1. Tell me more about materials — I’m thinking basic 30-year roofing shingles (like GAF is the manufacturer or brand) in that darker gray color. Not tile. Not copper. Not slate. Are there variations within a basic roof like that?

        1. There are, and materials costs are variable right now. Your best bet is asking neighbors and getting some quotes.

        2. +1 this is going to really vary widely. Get a few quotes, preferably from neighbor-referred contractors.

          But I do have this handy from my check register – 10 years ago in a LCOL area/midwest (so completely different market), our 1200 sq ft house cost $9k to have darker blue/gray shingles put on. We got three quotes at the time and I think we actually went with the most expensive one because we liked the contractor vibe/options the best.

          We now live in a different house but drive past our old house every day and the roof still looks fantastic; it was a surprisingly great upgrade to the appearance of the house. I used to HATE the siding color and the roof totally solved the issue for me. Soundproofing went way up too.

        3. If you’re looking at roof shingles, consider a climate-friendly option. We just put in a new roof with Cool Roof tiles in a gorgeous charcoal color. They’re beautiful and help keep your energy bills lower in the summer. The marginal cost was also pretty reasonable.

    1. Could you go through insurance due to the storm damage? Or is this a purchase situation where you don’t own the house yet?

      1. I am going through insurance but still have to find a contractor and IDK that the insurance estimate has any grounding in reality (the person on the phone is in Texas).

    2. I’m in a similar cost of living area and just assume any major system costs $10k minimum. That’s what was quoted for our then single story, 1400 SF home in Boston in 2016, or so, so I’m guessing it’s probably more today and echo that it will vary significantly based on materials. Very easy to have a roofer come out and give you a quote.

    3. We just had our roof replaced in DC – but went with painted rubber. Cost us about $19K. The team was awesome (Keith Roofing), though not sure they work in Arlington.

    4. We had the roof, and all the siding, soffits, trims and gutters replaced on a 1700 sf house in Fairfax county in 2021 for just under $20K. Our house is one of those sort of barn-looking ones where the shingles come down over the 2nd floor, if that makes sense, so the “roof” was larger than it would have been on a different style of house. We used Marshal Roofing and were very pleased with them. They are very popular in our neighborhood (some people are on their 2nd or 3rd roof from the company over many decades), and I believe they work any place in NoVa.

        1. I think mansard is the fancy French version of the same idea. After I posted I realized it’s called a Dutch Colonial.

    5. Get three quotes. My roofing job was hideously expensive but the three quotes were all in the same hideous range so at least I don’t feel ripped off.

    6. Upper midwest and a new roof for our 1400 sq ft ranch cost $12k three years ago, inclusive of tear-off and new gutters. It was covered by insurance since it had sustained significant wind and hail damage during a storm.

    7. If you can select the material, keep in mind that if you want to add solar panels later, they cannot be placed on all kinds of roofs.

    8. You may want to ask each roofing company what their most energy efficient shingle is. We chose a very light colored shingle that had their best rating. You want to avoid dark roofs that absorb light/heat and make it more expensive to cool your home in summer. Get the lightest color most energy efficient shingle you can. It’s sad how few of the roofing companies even knew about this. You could read about it online. In some areas (countries?) they actually paint roofs white!.

      I also recommend reviewing your roof/attic/house structure for ventilation, and make sure that anything that needs to be optimized can be done. Like, if your attic/upstairs gets too hot in the summer, do you need to add a roof fan, or improve the ventilation some how?

      It is also a good time to decide if your gutters need replacement or if adding those diamond mesh covers (so you never have to clean them again) makes sense.

      We asked our neighbors for roofer recs. There are usually a small hand-full of local companies that do roofs. We used the one that did several roofs on our same block. They were the middle price tier. We did have to watch them like a a hawk….. Even though we spent several hours discussing the plan with the owner of the company, he literally spent less than 2 minutes talking to the men who actually did the work, so we had to keep reminding him of the actually plan. Really annoying.

  10. Any resources or tips for an introduction into real estate investing? I’ve been wanting to diversify beyond index funds into something else and curious about real estate.

    1. What kind of investing? Direct investing – like, you are literally making the purchase yourself? Investing in to real estate funds? Residential or commercial?

    2. It’s a whole thing and very hands on compared to passive funds investing. You are making a very long term play and need capital in the interim to keep it going. I have a number of rental properties and you have to know your market and be involved.

      1. I have two rentals, but both are my former condos, so spaces I know well in areas I know well. Also, it’s a space attractive for people who have good credit and are interested in keeping it that way to purchase real estate some day, so it’s an easier (but demand-ier on other ends) type of tenant. It’s a bit white-knuckle though going through a recession and often with younger tenants (in their 20s, so they are subject to randomly being sacked and have loans and make some bad decisions). I wouldn’t go out and buy a rental that I hadn’t lived in and you need a lot of cash reserves to sleep soundly at night.

    3. People that I know who are real estate investors generally started by buying their own multifamily to live in and renting out the other units. Then, they reinvest those rents back into buying more properties. If you’re buying a multifamily to live in, you only have to put as low as 3% down, but for an investment property you won’t reside in, it’s minimum 20% per usual.

  11. Have you successfully made a career pivot? I started therapy during covid and came to realize I really don’t like my field. It is stressful, underpaid, and feels pointless. I dread my work, every day, though I’m good at it, and it leaves me feeling so drained. I’ve been having conversations with college friends in different fields, trying to see where my skills are applicable, but I’m also scared. I’m in my late 30s and have done this work for 15 years.

    I worry if I apply for a more junior role in a different field, I’ll be looked over for someone younger, who presumably would be cheaper. Is this accurate? I’m willing to consider a pay cut!

    I’d appreciate any experiences or tips for a major career change!

      1. I’m in the public sector, which means I’m wearing many different hats. Talking with friends, I learned that my job would be like 5 different positions in the private sector, so I was advised to tailor my resume to not appear to be a generalist. I also got feedback that my resume is too mission oriented, which is true. It is.

        1. “Public sector” and “private sector” are really broad . . . what do you actually do?

    1. I’ve done a career pivot myself & I mentor others who want to do the same thing.

      Start by understanding what your skill set is. Then think about the following: what are you naturally good at; what are you passionate about; what you’re curious about or what to learn. Look at that list & see what themes come out, that can guide you to possible areas to pivot to. Once you’ve identified where you’d like to pivot to, it’s a matter of highlighting how your skills apply to this new area, and networking a ton.

      1. Thanks for this. How do people you mentor find you? I’d love to find a mentor. I paid a thousand bucks to a career coach who did very little. She claimed to have connections with recruiters, which wasn’t true, and she made a few edits to my resume over the course of 2 zooms. That was it.

        1. Mainly word of mouth currently – either direct reports or former mentees that I’ve had, share my name with other people. I start with an initial chat to understand their current problem & feel the vibe, and if we have a good connection, I will work with someone as long as they need. Some like to connect on a regular schedule, while others only engage when they have something big going on (need to prep for an interview, deciding between offers, etc.)

    2. I recommend this book a lot but I found Working Identity by Herminia Ibarra, which is almost 20 years old now, extremely valuable when I did a pivot. It has a lot of examples and tactical advice about how to build transferable skills, and how to take small steps towards making a change instead of completely upending your life for something that you might not even like.

    3. I have. I was an academic researcher in bioscience, but did not have the skills, success or interest to pursue a group leader/tenure position.

      I went for an MBA at age 32, and through internships ended up in Business Development in a large pharma/diagnostic company. I’ve been there now for almost a decade full-time and I enjoy it a lot more than my previous role. My work is still somewhat connected to my previous bioscience career, and many of my coworkers have science degrees, so the jump wasn’t as huge as, say, going from bioscience academia to the automotive industry.

      Network, network, network is my advice. See whether there are associations you can join in your new field (if known), and get to know people.

    4. I pivoted from engineering into law (patents). Although I was only an engineer for a few years.

  12. Any recs for a Montreal trip next month? Going with a friend, we are mid-20s and enjoy good food, cocktails, live music, museums, shopping, and walking around/exploring neighborhoods and people watching. Staying in Old Montreal. We won’t be renting a car. Already booked a day trip to Quebec City and a spa visit. Thank you!

      1. If bagels in Montreal interest you, spend an hour watching a bunch of episodes (they’re short) of Yid Life Crisis. It’s free online. Just search for it.

    1. I just found out there is a light show in the evenings at the Basilica and we are going to that when we are in town in a couple of weeks. (Also the Basilica is well worth a visit in any event — make sure to check out the beautiful gold chapel behind the altar.)

      https://www.aurabasiliquemontreal.com/en

    2. There is a lot of cool, fun, quirky, street art around St. Laurent Blvd and there are several maps online for them- we spent an afternoon wandering the area, looking for murals, and eating poutine when we were jn Montreal last summer.
      There were also free weekly jazz concerts in the plaza in front of the Basilica when we were there too.
      There was also a huge Barbie Collection in a mall that I really enjoyed- if you look up Barbie Expo, you’ll find it.

    3. I had an excellent cocktail at Cloakroom in Montreal. Also really enjoyed Nouilles de Lan Zhou in Chinatown – they specialize in noodle soups and there’s always a line out the door.

  13. Why do I look stupid in baseball caps? Aren’t they supposed to be universally flattering? Am I wearing them too low? Not low enough? Is my face just meant for them? Help please.

    1. I’ve found that smaller baseball caps that touch my head look stupid on me, like I’m a child. I like the larger ones that have space between my head and the top of the cap.

      1. I have found the opposite! If a hat is too big on me, it either sits too low on my forehead or obviously has a lot of room between the top of my head and the cap, and both make me look like I’m a child wearing a grownup’s hat.

        OP, I would suggest looking at photos of women wearing baseball caps and see which ones look good to you and what they have in common. What is the size/shape of the hat relative to the person’s head? Do they have similar or different haircuts to what you have? Once you figure out those trends, you can look for a hat that fits how you want it and style it/your hair to match the good photos. I would also say that baseball caps are definitely not universally flattering, so I’m not sure where you’ve gotten that impression.

      2. And I feel the opposite! So I guess it’s a question of – what works for you? Standard baseball, “trucker” style, five panel hats…

    2. My answer to this is the trucker hat with a mesh back. I, too, look like a doof in a regular baseball cap, but I am embracing trucker hats as I find them much more flattering.

    3. Are you wearing true baseball caps or just similarly shaped hats? I think I look good in a true baseball cap but not as good in a lower profile runner’s hat (like a Ciele cap) or cycling cap because my face is too round and too big in comparison to the hat . Maybe one of those — typically smaller, thinner, lower profile — will work for you.

    4. I don’t wear them at all. I feel like an idiot in them.

      I do wear a sun hat if needed. It’s just a much better shape for me.

    5. Don’t forget to bend the bill. You have to do that with new caps and you may have to re-bend it a few times before it stays. The straight across, unbent bill makes the cap look very weird and isn’t flattering. (I learned this from my dad who would always bend the bills of his new caps before wearing them.)

    6. Go to a team store and try them on! Using my local MLB and NFL teams as example bc they’re fairly standardized across the country…Baseball caps come in different styles (fitted, adjustable with the snaps, adjustable with the cloth tab + clip, trucker) and brands (New Era, ‘47, Nike, etc). And they all fit so differently.

      After tons of trying, I know I look best in the ‘47 brand hats with the cloth clip adjustor.

  14. Do I need a Hatch Restore? Or something else? My priority is great rain sounds and the ability to tap the machine and have it turn on like a night light. I like the idea of being able to set it up to do a 10 minute sleep meditation then move automatically into rain sounds but not essential. I have a natural alarm clock already (kitten breakfast is firmly demanded at dawn) so I don’t need the alarm clock feature.

    1. The Philips HF3520/60 wake-up light does these things. You don’t need to use the alarm function if you don’t want to.

  15. Asking for a dear friend – any divorce attorney recommendations in Milwaukee, Wisconsin? There are two children, so there would be custody issues at play. Currently cordial but with the potential to turn acrimonious (which I guess it probably par for the course…). Any advice or recommendations gratefully received!

    1. 35 minutes south of Milwaukee, but have them contact Matthew Johnson in Racine County. My father-in-law is a highly-respected attorney in SE Wisconsin and the few times I’ve had to ask him for a divorce attorney rec for friends, he always recommends Matthew. I have a close friend (among others) who used him and he was great for her.

  16. I got a sample of Nars Pure Radiant tinted moisturizer with my recent Sephora order and *love* it, but I don’t love the price. Does anyone know of a good dupe for this product?

    1. I bought the elf halo glow on a whim and turns out I love it – it gives a nice glowy finish to my normal tinted moisturizer (I use the Rare Beauty one). I’d mix that with the Elf BB cream or a bit of your sunblock if you don’t need a lot of coverage.

    2. That tinted moisturizer is the best. I don’t know of any dupes, because I’m ponying up for the real thing after switching from the bare minerals tinted moisturizer I used for years.

      1. +1. I’ve used this for many years and I always get compliments on my skin when wearing it. I would wait for a F&F sale at Sephora or NARS (I think the Sephora one is coming up in October, if you can get a code).

  17. I am going through a phase where everything annoys me. I’m usually very easy-going, but lately it has felt like everything and nothing can p!ss me off. Any tips for getting out of the funk

    1. oh me too this last month. I’m super salty about a confluence of events that is coming this week (finally, after a few years in the making). This morning my way of trying to get out of the funk is to sign up for the yoga sound bath event that caught my eye that is in two weeks, and then I’m also looking for a new yoga class in the city I’ll be visiting this weekend. I think I might plan a brunch + hike for this Sunday with my close friends/DH too.

      Basically this morning I’m trying to plan my way out of it. Better than the last two weeks where I was lightly shopping my way out of it.

      1. oh another random specific thing I tried this weekend was a 20 minute mood: salty ride on Peloton. It was not particularly applicable to my situation however I did enjoy it.

        AirPods in and I’m listening to music right now – on Spotify – bad guy radio feed. I might just listen to bad guy on repeat all day.

    2. This sounds unbelievably cheesy but the “Five Minute Journal” was something I found very helpful. It has sections for the beginning and end of day and it has a focus on gratitude and what went right that day/how can you make your day great. Seeing patterns of things I was consistently grateful for allowed me to appreciate those things, and making note of little things that brightened my day–for example yesterday I wanted a new body wash but Bath and Body Works felt so expensive–and then I found a coupon propped on a display, clearly left behind for someone to use! That little thing would have easily been forgotten but I made a note of it, helping me remember those bright spots.

      Also trashy tv is a fun way to break out–do a binge until as late as you can and then have fun interacting with the media around it (like watch Euphoria and then YouTube think pieces about it or IG makeup videos). Takes your mind off stuff. :)

    3. Are you sleeping?
      Are you perimenopausal?
      Are you a little depressed? I get really irritable when my mood is low – I don’t actually feel depressed.
      Is it starting to get dark where you live, and maybe you need to start morning Happy Light use?

      If not, maybe look for a quick way to help tone things down. Breathing exercises, take a pause, start something new exercise wise, daily walks, volunteer somewhere new etc..

  18. I need HOA help! We bought a condo in a small (under 10) unit building last year. My husband and I haven’t ever had an HOA before (I was a renter, he owned a single family). We currently have only 1 trustee, and she doesn’t live here. Less than half the units are owner occupied. When I first moved in, I emailed the owner to introduce myself and mentioned I’ve served on boards. The sole trustee eagerly contacted me, said she doesn’t know what she’s doing, and asked for help. Apparently there were 2 other trustees who both sold their condos, so now it’s just her. She keeps promising to have a meeting of all owners to vote me onto the board, but it hasn’t happened. She also can’t find the bylaws, and the HOA management company is “financials only”. They claim they don’t have bylaws either. I looked on our state’s corporations database and can’t find the HOA even registered.

    My interest in the trustee board is making some very needed repairs to the building to protect our collective investments. The remaining trustee shares my concerns about repairs (most pressing is recurrent flooding in the basement), but no other owner seems to care.

    My husband and I are wondering what we got ourselves into by buying here. Is it time to get an attorney involved to send a letter formally requesting the bylaws? I don’t want to burn bridges with the remaining trustee, who seems nice but flakey and in over her head. I think she is avoiding the situation. But my husband thinks we, at bare minimum, need the bylaws to determine if we can call a meeting and get me on the board.

    1. I would start wit a formal letter to both the trustee and the management company, copy any other owners whose contact information you have, requesting the bylaws and any other foundational documents. You might ask the recipients to share the letter with their counsel (I assume the management company has counsel).

      1. Coming back to add: I would tell my title insurance company, appraiser/inspector and escrow company about all this.

    2. I’d also reach out to the title company that handled the sale to ask if they have a copy or can obtain a copy of the bylaws.

    3. I’m surprised the bylaws didn’t have to be disclosed to you during due diligence for your purchase. They should have been.

    4. Do you have a mortgage? I’d be surprised if the lender didn’t require the bylaws as part of the closing. Maybe your closing attorney or realtor could help?

    5. Oof. Your agent should have helped you navigate this, or warned you away before purchase. This could be a total and expensive mess for you. I would imagine there are no reserve funds, and with absentee owners, you probably have a lot of people in default and not as many people to re-fill your reserve funds when you do that special assessment. Sorry. :(

    6. I was the president of a small condo association like yours and I do not recommend retaining lawyers. It will only increase costs for everyone, including you. What you need to do is get the homeowners together and figure out what needs to be fixed and how much it costs. If your dues or bank account don’t cover it, you’re looking at special assessments. Your state probably has default rules if there’s no bylaws on how to assess. Generally, it’s proportionate to how much square footage you have and if anyone has exclusive rights to an area outside their unit. You are basically partners with 9 other owners and you need to make getting along your top priority while protecting your investment. I eventually sold my condo because I hated having this kind of relationship. But the TL/DR is get along, make reasonable decisions and keep lawyers out of things unless you want to encumber your own disclosures with tales of how the building slid into litigation. Spend the money on the property instead.

  19. At what point do you see a doctor because you’re tired? I’ve been feeling unusually exhausted for the last couple of months. I’m doing the right things (sleeping, eating well enough, moderate exercise, etc.) and my life isn’t that hectic (no kids, manageable job) but I just feel so drained all the time. My annual labs always come back in the “normal” range but I haven’t been tested in a year and the next available annual appointment with my PCP is January. I feel silly going to my PCP in a sick appointment because I’m “tired” but … I’m so tired. What would you do?

    1. Nothing wrong with going to the doctor. Maybe they can do additional testing? Or another factor – are you heading toward menopause?

    2. Is your iron on the low side? I’ve been borderline anemic my whole life, but it wasn’t until I got into my 40s that it really hit me like a ton of bricks – so tired and capable of sleeping for hours on end. It’s never been low enough for a doctor to say anything more than “eat some spinach or red meat now and then.” An iron supplement (I like Pure Encapsulations Opti-Ferrin-C) made a DRAMATIC difference for me. Shocking increase in my quality of life. I feel downright peppy and notice a huge change if I run out or stop taking it for a few days.

      1. +1. My PCP doesn’t include iron testing in routine lab work. A specialist tested for it and I was shocked at how low my iron levels are, especially as a meat eater.

      2. It really bothers me when doctors are cavalier about things that affect our quality of life this much!

        Sometimes they also need to follow up on why the iron was so low to begin with (there are simple explanations sometimes like inadequate intake — that will do it– but other times it’s a sign of a GI issue causing malabsorption or even internal bleeding, or a sign of a neglected women’s health issue affecting menstruation).

    3. Can you send a message to your doctor through an online portal? If so, I would send a message outlining what you’ve said here and ask if you can come in for some bloodwork to check iron, thyroid, vitamin D, inflammation markers for autoimmune issues, and anything else she recommends that might be related to tiredness. If you can’t send an online message, make a sick appointment. Even with the message, they may ask you to make an appointment for a quick physical exam. And go ahead and make your annual PCP appointment while you’re at it, even if it’s in January (might as well get it on the calendar).

      I went in earlier this year for a sick appointment due to a bunch of weird symptoms and episodes spanning several months, and it turns out my gallbladder was causing trouble (I have since gotten it taken out). It ended up being kind of a long appointment because I had to explain all the weird symptoms that had seemed disconnected for several months but suddenly felt like they might be related. So tiredness doesn’t seem like a weird thing to make a sick appointment about for me!

      Also, if you’ve been anywhere near a P in the last few months, take a pregnancy test!

    4. There are a lot of potential causes of fatigue that aren’t routinely tested. I think it would actually be better to schedule a sick appt. than to try to fit it in to your annual checkup! They may run thyroid labs, B12, iron to start with, and they’ll ask questions to try to narrow it down in case you have any other signs or symptoms that aren’t bothering you as much but which could still be clues. They may refer you to a sleep neurologist if they suspect sleep apnea. I think that all warrants a sick visit.

    5. Go the doctor. I’ve felt like this a couple of times. One time I got a sleep study, and they determined I have apnea. CPAP use has been life-changing–truly was like someone turned the color back on in my life. So much more energy (also lost weight and blood pressure lowered with use and am relieved I won’t be shortening my life due to it being untreated). The second time I was severely anemic, The anemia triggered them to investigate if I had bleeding with an endoscopy and colonoscopy–the colonoscopy discovered stage 2 cancer. I was able to get into surgery soon after to have that part of my colon removed–and I truly credit that find with saving my life as I had no other symptoms.

      Fatigue is important enough that you should get it checked out. Tired really is a type of “sick” sometimes.

    6. I would go to the doctor and have more blood work done. But in addition, one thing that has helped my tiredness is taking Vit D as a supplement. Your blood work will also tell you if you are low in Vit D.

    7. Did you have Covid at any point, by chance? Fatigue can be a symptom of long Covid, and can develop weeks to months after an infection (even if mild or asymptomatic).

      1. But why not see the doctor?

        I would just not gaslight myself in advance: don’t come in apologizing that it’s silly. Try to convey that it’s a real problem that is concerning you that is new and not a lifestyle issue.

        1. Because sometimes the doctor can’t get you in for a while? Because she feels run down and her next annual appointment is in January? Because it’s not rocket science to interpret labs?

    8. Go to the doctor now. I found out I was really low on Vitamin D and adding it in made a big difference.

    9. Please go to the doctor. Fatigue caused by low iron was the first sign of a very serious diagnosis for my mom. Getting it checked when she did, probably saved her life.

    10. Go to the doctor! I waited til I was so tired I had to leave work early on a Friday and ended up crying in the Target aisle. It felt like being a new mom again with all the sleep deprivation and was wreaking havoc on my personality and moods. In my case, we found out I was hitting perimenopause early and I was just massively suffering from the insomnia some get from perimenopause.

  20. Talk to me about paint colors – any colors you’re loving lately? I want to repaint my bedroom (currently a bluish gray) and I’m tired of blues and grays. I’d like something warmer, but I’m stumped. A green might also work, but what green?

    1. I have a warm sage green in my bedroom, with white trim just like a marzipan cake. I love it.

      I thought I wanted a cooler sage green, but when we put the paint cards up next to the window, it made me realize the greenery outside was warmer in tone, so we went warmer to harmonize better with the view. It’s so pretty. I love it.

    2. I too used a soft green. SW “willow tree” is comparable. I’m not normally a “green” person but I found it to be a very calming and pleasing color. I’m all about picking paint colors for the effect they will have rather than picking colors just because one likes the color. Caveat that my bedroom got very good light, so the color did not gray out.

    3. My bedroom is Sherwin Williams Beguiling Mauve. It’s calm yet colorful and feminine without being too feminine (my husband also likes it). The rest of our house is blues, whites, and grays and this bedroom stands out just enough.

    4. I tried to leave a comment twice with this and it keeps getting kicked to the top of the page; idk if this is going to post three times….Check out Shavonda Gardners office studio. Lavender walls and a heavy dose of red accents. I thought it sounded nuts and I love it.

    5. I just painted my home office Farrow and Ball’s “mizzle” and love it. It’s sort of sagey green.

    6. We painted a bedroom Dallas Dust, by Sherwin and Williams, and it is the perfect pink in my book – it is a barely there beigy pink. Love it.

    7. I’m considering painting my north-facing bedroom with Sherwin Williams “Goldfinch” color — a very saturated, bright and vibrant gold/orange color. Absolutely not my normal neutral choice, but I feel by “big brown furniture” will look nice and refreshed against that color.

  21. What are you tips and tricks for making work travel easier? I don’t do business travel well – I don’t like being “on” for days at a time and having to do so while not being in my own spaces (sleeping in my bed, getting ready in my bathroom, unwinding on my couch, etc)
    and keeping an unfamiliar schedule in unfamiliar places. (My husband jokes that I’m already ready for the nursing home, but I’m not bothered by these things when I’m on vacation. It’s just a work trip dynamic for me.)

    I’m going from Philly to Seattle for a weeklong client conference.

    I’ve already:

    – Purchased Bose noise cancelling headphones for the flight,
    – Booked the flight that gets me in the night before so I’m not stressed by rushing from the airport to meetings,
    – Upgraded to business class on the flights, and
    – Upgraded my hotel room.

    What else should I do to make this easier? Thanks.

    1. See if you can view the menu for the room service and restaurants in your hotel online.

    2. -Allow yourself to say no to too many social activities. Pick short commitments or things that overlap with what takes time anyways like meals.
      -Buy some fruit, veggies, yogurt and a treat to keep at your hotel.
      -Do a short walk on your own away from everyone.
      -Get back to hotel 2-3 hours before bedtime to shower, lounge and get in some tv and be “OFF.”

    3. Exercise when you get there, get light at the right time of day (i.e. flying west, get in the PM, flying east, get in the AM)

    4. Bring nice toiletries/your favourite products so you have your own things with you and you’re not using crappy hotel shampoo.

    5. Consider getting travel sizes of or decanting your actual day to day products. I find I’m sensitive to the slightest deviation in terms of skin care, vitamins and supplements, shampoo, things like that. I feel very “off” all day when I don’t have the “right” face wash and lotions.

      Consider stopping by a grocery store upon landing and grabbing some snacks–single serving cheeses and granola bars, anything single-serve that you can pop in a purse/bag. Honestly being hungry is a big factor in being miserable during travel.

      This sounds a bit over the top but *write down on paper* or have a print out with the address of the hotel, the office, the phone numbers for key people, a map of the office you’ll be visiting, any numbers you need (like your spouse, key contact). This is in case you lose your phone or don’t have wifi/service. Bring a stash of cash (maybe $100 in mixed bills).

      Connect with your “handler” prior to the trip. Typically for business travel there is an admin, office manager, or counterpart that will be able to help you figure it all out. I’d send an email to them and introduce myself.

      Download tv shows and movies–more than you think you need–you want options :)

      Bring a pair of hotel shoes–slides, slippers, or something. It can be a great option if you choose to run down to the laundry, the gym, walk down to the little cafe or pantry and grab something, and so on.

      Download the hotel and airline apps–they can do things like giving you a digital key ahead of time, sending you texts for flight updates, and so on.

      If you have a rewards card, using the free passes for the lounge if you have a wait more than 2 hours is *well worth it*. If you’ve upgraded on some flights, you’ll automatically get access, but I’d check into it. Some places aren’t doing day passes (boo!) but many have work arounds.

      1. Excellent list. I grab extra cups from the front desk so I can organize my makeup and brushes on the bathroom counter. Digging through a toiletry bag makes me nuts. Research sit-down and carry out options near the office and hotel in advance. And in the name of all that is holy do not leave your work bag visible in a rental car. I’ve seen coworkers lose their laptop and wallet this way.

    6. Go for a walk by yourself at some point each day. At a conference I will usually ditch one panel a day for this.

    7. Above is good tips. I’ll add –
      – unpack when you get there vs. living out of the suitcase. I thought it was so dumb until I tried it and it is helpful.
      – keep parts of your routine on your work trip. for me that means finding a yoga studio
      – find “your place” and return to it a few times, vs trying new places every time. For example, I pick a coffee shop or breakfast place and as long as it’s good I’ll go back each day of the trip. Same thing for the gym or yoga studio.If I was on a vacation, I might feel inclined to try as many places as I could. But for a work trip, I like to return to the same place a few times that week; helps me feel more grounded.

    8. Unpack.

      So many people I know don’t unpack fully when they travel. One of the first things I do when I arrive at my hotel and enter my room is unpack all my toiletries and makeup. I’ll put everything I’ll need to take a shower (or bath depending on the hotel situation) in there. Then, I usually put a handle towel on the sink counter (or whatever they have) and put out all of my skincare and makeup. I use a glass to hold my makeup brushes. Next up is hair stuff. Brush, styling tools, and products out in the open in a convenient location. Same with dental and eye care.

      Anything I usually like to have bedside I make sure is out. This is usually an eye mask, ear plugs, book, zzquil, etc.

      I like to bring face and eye masks when traveling and put those in the fridge so that they’re nice and cold.

      Clothing and shoes get put away as well. The first night, I’ll usually steam out what I’ll need to wear for at least the first full day.

      Finally, as others said, grab some beverages, healthy snacks, and treats to keep in the room.

      1. This is me. I unpack everything. My priority is usually hanging all my clothing so that the wrinkles fall out. If I get in at 2AM (which I am doing tomorrow/Wednesday early AM) I’m still hanging things up the minute I walk in the door. If anything still needs ironing I do it the next morning in one big batch.

  22. Follow-on post: Seattle recs? I’ve actually done Mt Rainier and the wine vineyards and apple orchards before; I haven’t done Seattle itself. I don’t expect to have a car. I’ll have one day from noon when the conference ends until my 10 pm departure and whatever evenings I can get out of group events.

    1. With that kind of timeframe on your departure day, I’d consider one of the following:

      – Uber (or bus if you’re up for it) to the Ballard Locks, watch the salmon run (if it’s the right season), check out the fish ladder, watch boats go through. Then walk 1/2 mile back into Ballard proper to browse boutiques, get coffee/a pastry/a meal/a beer.

      – Uber or bus to Discovery Park for some beautiful in-town hiking. No serious footwear needed – if you have sneakers, you’ll be fine.

      – Ferry over to Winslow (on Bainbridge Island); get lunch at Eagle Harbor pub and check out the shops.

      I don’t find Pike Place Market particularly amazing (like, it’s fine but it’s just…a market) but many people will tell you it’s a must-do.

      1. I would not chance a ferry trip for just an afternoon. We’ve had a ton of ferry delays and reduced capacity/sailings recently from all sorts of issues—terminal construction, worker shortage, mechanical issues on boats. Too stressful if you need to catch a flight!

        Other ideas:
        -Seattle Center: go by Monorail from downtown
        -grab a drink and bite from the Smith Tower observatory—it’s like a step back in time with its uniformed elevator operator
        -stroll around one of our unique neighborhoods: Capitol Hill, Fremont, Ballard
        -walk along the piers on the waterfront
        -I personally LOVE Pike Place Market—come hungry and stop often at all the different vendors. Be sure to go to the floors above and below, not just the main level

      1. Yes, the Olympic Sculpture Park along the Sound is very pretty. I think it’s more accessible than Discovery and nicer for a shorter walk (more trails at Discovery Park). I would recommend visiting the Central Library downtown to gawk at the architecture and enjoy some silence. It’s a short Uber ride from the sculpture park. I’m a local and I still love the Chihuly Glass museum. It’s something you could do with your group and still have it be relaxing as it’s generally pretty quiet in there. They close at 7. There is a cute cafe at the museum. I don’t recommend staying downtown for food by yourself, it gets sketchy after dark. Belltown is nearby and has plenty of restaurants.

  23. I work remotely in a small team. A direct report who does admin tasks is very competent and efficient. However, they are extremely difficult to work with. While they can be pleasant, they are generally unpredictable and can be extremely combative, sends rude emails, constantly criticizes decisions that I make, rarely admits to mistakes, does not take direction well and speaks in a condescending tone to me and others in meetings. They have on occasion, refused to work with other employees who they perceive have slighted them or who they don’t like. I have to ‘walk on eggshells’ around them. They are empowered because of their extremely close friendship with my previous boss who headed the organization. I really dread having to work with them each day but others are completely unaware of this. Do I tell my new boss about the challenges of working with this person?

    1. Request for info – how have you responded to their poor behavior?
      Someone who is competent but a rude, combative nightmare is not actually a good employee.

      1. Thanks for asking. Unfortunately, I made the poor decision to not call it out because I choose to be silent so as to get the work done.

        1. Okay – so if you are this person’s manager, you have to manage them. Just because you’ve let it slide so far doesn’t mean you have to put up with it forever, and you shouldn’t allow this person to subject the rest of your team to this kind of treatment.

          The next time your employee does something – sends a rude email, is condescending – call it out asap, privately. Be specific. “[Name], in your recent email, you said [rude thing]. This is not acceptable. You need to remain courteous in all your communications with coworkers. If you need clarification, please do not hesitate to reach out.” Document everything. If they keep it up, put them on a PIP and/or fire them.

          1. This exactly. As someone who has worked with rude and condescending team members, I am alway irked when managers don’t do their actual job and manage the problem employee. Being a decent human being is part of the job description.

    2. I inherited an employee like this. They felt they could act like this due to their “value” as an employee. The first thing I did was make sure there was backup for any critical work product they were responsible for, even though they hoarded their work. Secondly I started discussing, and documenting, the issues with the employee. I ultimately got them moved to another department; it probably would have been termination otherwise. These type of people don’t typically see the light and change.

    3. The first thing your new boss is going to ask is what you have already done to manage this person. From an outsider’s perspective, you have 100% of the power here— though I do understand that dynamics can make it challenging for a manager to manage. I do think you need to loop in your boss at this point, but I’d suggest approaching the convo with your boss from the angle of requesting advice and input on a plan you already have put together.

  24. Anyone ever been asked to provide a reference from a former manager when you’re not sure how positive it will be?

    I left a bad bad job earlier this year on strange terms. I quit, and they paid me a retention bonus to stay on an extra couple of months, so I continued to do my typical great work, but things with my boss (the CEO) were definitely weird and tense for a bit. We ended okay, after some (mostly) honest conversations about learnings from both sides. I could get into the absolute insanity, but it’s not really relevant here. What is relevant: despite the initial messiness when I quit, we departed on pretty decent terms; I am 90% sure she agrees my work was mostly top-notch.

    I am in final talks with an org that has a very similar model to my last one, and so they’ve specifically asked if they could talk to my old boss. I…don’t know what to expect. I haven’t responded to their request yet, but I did just email my old boss and explained the situation. I laid it out pretty clearly in that I specifically said “I wanted to see if you’d be amenable to providing a positive reference for me.” Note the word positive :)

    Just curious if anyone has ever dealt with something like this, and how it all worked out (or didn’t) for you?

    1. I actually had a manager who fired me give a positive reference once, because the firing was over their head and unrelated to my performance (major issues with the board of directors). It worked out!

    2. If the hiring manager knows your old boss, they are most definitely talking whether you authorize it or not.

    3. Water under the bridge, but this should have been discussed when you agreed to stay on and took the retention bonus.

    4. Not completely analogous situations, but I would be careful. Could you offer for them to speak with others at the organization instead? I had a boss who was generally pleasant, but he badmouthed everyone who ever worked for him. He was always positive in my annual reviews and never criticized my own work, so I was cautiously hopeful when a prospective new employer asked if they could speak to him. The new employer said they only asked because I was their first-choice candidate. After prospective new employer spoke with my boss, they moved on with a different candidate! I got out of there within the year, this time moving to an employer that did not request to talk with my current boss, but I was so stung and helpless. In your case, it might be fine, but if it were me, I’d be taking steps to control the narrative. Good luck.

  25. How should I view online reviews of doctors? I’m looking for an adult ADHD assessment and one of them has split reviews- Dr is apparently wonderful but there’s also reviews of cancelling appointments at the last minute and things like that. it’s unclear if these are real reviews or not, and they specialize in what I need and take my insurance. would you schedule or find someone else?

    1. I honestly only pay attention to reviews of how someone runs their office if I’m going to be seeing them long term. So I wouldn’t hesitate to schedule if they’re otherwise good. A surprising number of good doctors have haphazard office management (I guess they’re not always good at two things).

    2. I’ve had the following two situations:

      Good doctor, bad front office

      Bad doctor, good front office

      And frankly I’d rather go with the latter. The office makes all the difference. I actually had to quit my good doctor because of his office, and I told him why. He was apologetic but I don’t think he was ever going to have the cojones to deal with the front office staff who just regarded every patient as someone who was bugging them & should be ignored.

        1. Yes, it was a specialist. I know what I need for my condition – referrals, preauthorizations, timely prescriptions, etc – and if the office can’t or won’t handle that, it’s endangering my health. I absolutely moved doctors over this.

          1. That is fair. I think of a specialist managing a condition as really different from a one-time consult to rule something in or out. The neuropsychologist who assessed me for ADHD doesn’t treat ADHD (I had to see a psychiatrist elsewhere).

            The good neurologist who diagnosed me with an autoimmune condition had unreliable office staff, but I only had to see him a grand total of two times (once to order tests, once to go over lab results), so while it was annoying, it sure beat the six prior neurologists who never ordered the right tests in the first place.

    3. For a doctor you just need to see once, I wouldn’t worry about it. For a doctor you need to see regularly and get regular medication refills from, the office staff and organization matters a lot, and I’d take it seriously.

    4. They take insurance?!? Unless there is another option that takes insurance, which seems unlikely, take the appointment!

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