Thursday’s Workwear Report: Abstract Swirl Satin Pocket Tee

324 Comments

1. I think it’s time for me to start making my own sourdough. Does anyone have any jar recommendations?

   1. mine is an old pickle jar. Works fine.

   2. I don’t like any jar with “shoulders” because they are hard to clean. I have the King Arthur glass sourdough jar and it is fine. But when I am feeding or baking with the starter frequently I prefer to alternate between a couple of Pyrex mixing bowls with lids because you can just weigh and mix the part you’re feeding in one bowl and leave the discard in the other for later use. The whole operation is more convenient and less messy that way.

   3. I just decided the same and ordered the Sourdough Starter and Crock set from King Arthur. The crock is nice but totally unnecessary (mine is glass) — the first few times i made such a mess of the discard/feeding process that i had to change to jars often (while the crock was being cleaned). Jars work just as well. (The starter I ordered seems to have been great, but there are also a lot of recipes to make your own starter.)

   4. No (mine lives in a plastic deli container), but I love Alexandra’s Kitchen (alexandracooks on Instagram) for the best guides and how-to’s.

   5. I use the Weck jar(s) that Maurizio Leo recommends on his s**e The Perfect Loaf, which is also my favorite spot for all things sourdough.

   6. I used an old mason jar for a long time then switched to a weck jar once I got the hang of it. At first I was keeping too much starter, but then I figured out how to keep less.

      1. Reading other comments, I should mention that it’s handy to have two jars for your starter, so you can give one a good clean while the starter hangs out in the other one. They do get pretty crusty.

2. Hello all_ has anyone heard of MamaGena or done the workshops?
   I was just introduced to her work and her bestselling book, and as such am curious.
   Any comments you might have would be appreciated!

   1. I have a friend – formerly close, now an acquaintance, although we have always been very different – who went through her course about 11 years ago. She ended up leaving her then husband, moving back to NYC, and got really into making elaborate headdresses and costumes, as well as aerial yoga. I think she found it really helpful but beyond that I don’t know much, as her studies coincided with me having my first child and our lives went in opposite directions. I also think she wanted to change her life going into the class and is someone who will probably continue to make big dramatic changes periodically.

   2. This reads like shilling and someone connected with the founder trying to promote the workshop

      1. That was my thought as well.

      2. I am go for it – the OP… I am curios because it is $$

   3. I hadn’t, just googled, and could not be less tempted to pay money for this.

      1. I posted above about having a friend who did her course and this was my internal response as well – it reminded me of Helen Madden, Joyologist. As I said, we’re very different.

   4. Guerilla marketing, OP?

3. I caught that bit on algebra on the afternoon post yesterday and OMG went down a rabbit hole on it and math and remembering middle school math last night. That a world exist where kids are robbed of math unless your parent can tutor you or afford a tutor is so, so wrong to me.

   1. waaaaht? I thought no algebra. Are you saying no math?

      1. It seemed like once there was no chance of algebra in 8th, all math leading up to it slipped. And I don’t doubt that virtual math during COVID, if you are already struggling with math, was a complete sh*tshow. Those poor kids.

      2. No algebra in eighth grade IS robbing kids of math instruction. Algebra 1 in eighth grade is the minimum standard for college prep math, so by banning this course school districts are guaranteeing that kids whose parents don’t have the wherewithal to supplement with outside courses will have a huge disadvantage in college admissions. It’s a regressive biased policy dressed up as progressivism.

         The way to reduce disparities in educational outcomes is to offer a free, high-quality public education to all children starting with preschool. This policy is the exact opposite of what’s needed. The state of math instruction in this country is deplorable. My daughter’s supposedly advanced math class covered in fifth grade the material that I learned in second grade in a Title 1 elementary school. Now the district is phasing out advanced math in elementary and middle school so kids will not be able to progress farther than Calculus AB in high school. The anti-intellectuals running this country are going to ruin the economy. At some point trying to squeeze more and more work out of a less and less educated workforce is going to backfire.

         1. I couldn’t agree more. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s racism and sexism dressed up as progressivism. And I hate anti-intellectualism too. I honestly believe that kids do best when a lot is expected of them.

            1. Hear hear!

         2. I agree that schools need to offer algebra in eighth (if not before), but saying “it’s the minimum standard for college prep” is not accurate. If you want to go an Ivy, maybe, but tons of kids go to perfectly decent four year colleges not having taken calculus in high school.

            1. i went to an ivy and never took calculus. the world is a very different place now.

            2. Even at Ivies it’s not strictly required today, but it will certainly make you less competitive for admission. 90% of the Harvard class of 2027 had calculus in high school. But that’s Harvard – other colleges don’t have the same stats. Only ~15% of recent high school graduates have taken calculus and more than 50% go to four year colleges. So a large majority of people going to 4 year colleges did not have calculus in high school. I work at a public R1 and it’s standard but not required for STEM majors. But lots of non-STEM majors don’t have it and no one cares.

            3. But good luck getting an engineering degree. Sure, you *can* take calculus I as a freshman and calc II spring freshman year, but it doesn’t work all that well. You will need an outstanding grasp of those math concepts before taking advanced physics or chemistry courses (physical chemistry requires calc III and differential equations, for example). If you need calc III to take your fall sophomore year engineering, physics, or chemistry courses, you can try to teach yourself as you go along, but that’s tough. Your life is infinitely easier if you have taken calc in high school and start with calc II or calc III.

            4. Ehhhh so I graduated high school in 2002. In my well regarded school district, “regular” math progression was alg 1 in 9th, geometery in 10th, alg 2 (trig) in 11th and precalc in 12th. If you were in the honors track you did alg 1 in 8th and ended up in AP calc (AB or BC) in 12th.
               I was an honors-track kid but for stupid reasons I won’t get into, I was on the “normal” math track, so I ended up taking math with the honors kids a year below me (eg. honors alg 1 as a sophomore with a class of mainly freshmen honors kids). I graduated high school with the highest level of math as honors precalc. I went to Bowdoin as a premed student, took Calc 1 and calc 2 my freshman year.

            5. I can’t imagine never taking calculus and getting into Harvard. In my SEUS city, fungible suburban girls taking calculus don’t get into Flagship State U. I wouldn’t advise any kid to aim lower — even if not needed in a world of increasing credential creeping, being facile in math is a total plus over the adult decades of your life.

            6. I work at a good State U (not a super elite one like Berkeley, but a pretty good one) and about two-third of our engineers come in with calculus, but you can still do engineering if you don’t. And if you don’t want to pursue engineering or math/physics, it’s not expected at all.

               The “standard” college-bound track in our highly-ranked public schools is algebra in 9th with pre-calc in 12th. Plenty of kids accelerate and do algebra in 8th, but it is very much seen as the accelerated/honors track and is not expected for all college bound kids.

            7. I went to Stanford and literally the only person we knew who didn’t take Calc and got into Stanford was a roommate who got in partially because of double-legacy status (both parents were Stanford alums), and the fact that her parent was on faculty. This was in the late 90s.

               It was rare rare, even then, and it’s gotten much harder to get into Stanford since then.

   2. It was so wrong on so many levels. The parents hated it, it worsened the achievement gap it reported to close, and supporters would slip in offensive bonus statements like “but if we make math easier in 8th grade maybe more girls will be able to do it too.” Technically the school system was already going to bring this level of math back as a result of the public pressure, but I was very glad that the non-binding ballot measure showed such strong support for bringing back algebra in eighth.

      And let’s not forget, this is the same school system that kept school closed for ages during Covid (by far affecting students of color more than whites) but made time during virtual board meetings to propose elaborate plans to rename city schools.

      1. “but if we make math easier in 8th grade maybe more girls will be able to do it too.”
         Ahhhhh that would ENRAGE me, as a girl who took algebra in 6th grade

         1. Same as the mom of a kid who took algebra in 6th grade.

            I firmly believe the reason that so many kids hate math is that it is taught wrong and paced far too slowly. Until calculus, algorithms and properties are never derived, so kids are expected just to memorize algorithms and plug and chug. No wonder they do poorly—they don’t understand what they are doing, so they are just doing it by rote. And the same material is drilled endlessly, year after year. So meaningless and boring. I used to tutor math. IME the majority of kids who are “bad” at math are perfectly capable of learning all the math that is covered in elementary school by the end of second or third grade. I think they need to be doing pre-algebra and some geometry in fourth and fifth grades, algebra 1 in sixth, geometry with proofs in seventh, and a rigorous algebra 2 course with a lot of trigonometry in eighth. Add stats in ninth grade. Precalculus with trig in tenth. Calculus BC in eleventh, which is perfectly reasonable with a good precalc foundation. Linear algebra in twelfth. For kids who can’t keep up with that, add another year of good pre-algebra in sixth. This nonsense in CA about “data science” in place of calculus is ridiculous. You can teach people to wrangle data without calculus, but to do the analysis properly you need a bunch of college-level math and stats and probably a graduate degree.

      2. Other coast, but our schools closed from March to March, and then only re-opened two days a week at first. The next year was a lot of tears. It wrecked my kid’s life (in 8th grade algebra) and I finally found a tutor (they were oversubscribed, so oversubscribed in our city). Other subjects kiddo was fine with or could course correct by working more and checking PowerSchool more often. Not so with math. So many kids need an in-person teacher who believes in them and is committed to showing them the way, not taking it off of the menu. Good math fundamentals can unlock a materially different future (I say this as a finance person, so not very hard math skills, but more than the average college grad).

   3. Another math related rabbit hole: I took a women’s study class about women in STEM. And this study is my “roman empire” that I think of often : https://www.pnas.org/doi/10.1073/pnas.0910967107
      The basic concept: That it’s natural for kids to start learning gender biases in elementary school. This study concluded in their findings, female students that start the year with an female teacher anxious about math will be more likely associate men/boys being better at math by the end of the year. The fact that students can accidentally be taught out of the gate to fear a subject is just so sad to me. It would be easy to then assume kids with parents who can instill a lot of attention around math are significantly advantaged to consider STEM fields in the future.
      (I have nothing against elementary teachers btw, we’re all doing the best we can. It just points that these types of biases in our culture can have huge ripple factors).
      So going back to limiting algebra in 8th grade, for a lot of those female students. It could already be too late to instill an appreciation for math if this study is correct.

      1. Wow, that’s not something I’d considered before (but not surprising, of course).

         My dad was a high school math teacher, and I’ve wondered for a long time about how the education of math teachers can play a role. His degree is in economics; he had colleagues with degrees in Math Education and in actual mathematics. I was taught by both those colleagues and the mathematics degree holder was a far and away better teacher of the actual concepts in my mind. I don’t know what the right answer is (and obviously this is all in a secondary context rather than elementary), but thanks for sharing this; very thought-provoking.

      2. I’ve helped teach elementary teachers before, and they are doing the best they can, but sometimes their schools let them down too.

         I think it’s also true that if you are good at math, you can get a job with a better work environment than what most K12 teachers experience. Even for people who truly want to teach, I know math teachers who ended up switching to community college for more autonomy and less stress.

      3. All of my math teachers until high school were women. I attended gifted magnets and grew up assuming that girls were naturally smarter than boys because that was what I was exposed to. To be noticed and tested as a gifted girl you had to be quite exceptional. Boys would get evaluated if they were just disruptive, so the school was about 55% obnoxious sort-of-smart boys, 10% actually smart boys, and 35% very smart girls.

      4. There is also the risk of stereotype threat – that if you remind people they’re part of a negative stereotype, they tend to perform worse at the task. An example would be announcing “come on girls, I know math is hard for you but you’ll ace the test today.” That “reminds” girls that they’re expected to do worse and they will. There is also some evidence to suggest that merely reminding girls they’re girls (without an overt negative warning) can have the same effect. This is one of many reasons I don’t do pr0n0un announcement rituals in professional or educational settings.

      5. My daughter is in 4th grade and a decent math student. She LOVED math in 2nd grade- like, wrote a request for Teacher A in 3rd grade because that teacher used to teach 5h grade and she wanted to have “hard math.” Well, she got Teacher A, but Teacher A spent the year getting 2/3 of the class to grade level at math and my daughter “got” to help tutor kids and her “math buddy” (kid to work with her at math, who is at the same level as her) was always a boy. Huge eyeroll. Now she’s in 4th and started to put a foot in the direction of “math is for boys.” So….I may or may not have recruited 10 girls (literally, I drive 4 girls home after it because their parents can’t) to sign up for math club, the after school math club where they do perplexors and other logic games and do the junior math olympiad. It’s now 10 girls and 9 boys and my daughter likes math again.

         1. You are awesome. Sorry it had to be done!

   4. Banning algebra in 8th grade is a super bass-ackwards policy. I get why administrators love it – better averages in math classes if everyone is on the same lower level – but it really harms kids who want to pursue math and science. It’s also something that is not well-explained to middle school parents, even though it is pretty much the only course-selection decision that affects high school placement.

      1. Agree — this has an an awfully long tail and that’s not disclosed. And it’s the only long tail, IMO.

      2. I took algebra 1 in 7th grade (in the highest math track available at that time) and almost 30 years later STILL remember my teacher telling us he didn’t believe it was appropriate for 7th graders. Who says something like that to a class?!??
         To the responder above who was talking about everyone being able to do prevalc by 11th…. I dunno. I was very good at math and I found it very hard and took SO MUCH TIME to learn, like 60+ minutes of homework per day with crying many days. I did it, I got a good grade, but if you aren’t super dedicated or have the ability to spend that much time on homework (that was for just one class, what if you had to work after school or take care of siblings?) I don’t know that is realistic. I stopped after 11th grade calc AB because it was just too much time and I had other priorities (languages, history) and still had to take mandatory art and PE.

         1. And like….not everyone needs calculus? Engineers, sure, but I’m an English-y person (who took calculus in college and struggled my way through) and I have never once needed it. Algebra, geometry, statistics are all life skills. Calculus is not.

            1. I know there’s a TON of things “everyone should know” and limited time available in school but I actually find calc among the most useful everyday math concepts– like, how does rate of change, change? And how does that affect what’s going to happen when?

4. About a month ago, recruiter contacted me about an in-house role. She did not disclose the company name. I was very direct on our initial call that my salary expectations were $X at bare minimum, no wiggle room, and I’m not interested in further conversation about any role with less than $X in w-2 compensation. She asked if benefits impacted that amount and I said no, W-2. This week she reached out again, disclosed the name of the company she’s hiring for, and we spoke for about 20 min. On paper I would be an excellent fit for the role. I am vaguely aware of the company – it has a fairly small legal team so I don’t know what they get paid, although I’d be a little surprised if it met my minimum. She wants to have me talk to the GC. Should I bring up the salary expectation with the recruiter again, or is it safe to assume the recruiter heard me and has it noted somewhere? I don’t want to waste anyone’s time and I would truly not leave my firm for less than $X.

   1. I would raise it again and again and say you would never ever accept a job for less than X. Recruiters are not your friends and they don’t have your best interest in mind.

   2. If you were that clear, if you emphasized it, if she asked a clarifying question and you emphatically answered it–and has apparently given you no vibes that she’s incompetent—is there any reason to think she didn’t hear you?

   3. “Thanks for reaching out! Can you share the salary range for this role?”

      1. +1 I had this conversation with a recruiter recently. She danced around about benefits and didn’t say a number. I replied I needed to know an actual number for equity because pay gaps for women and BIPOC folks are real, and I don’t apply to jobs without a posted salary range. She finally shared the salary, it’s too low, and we dind’t continue to waste each other’s time.

         1. +1 – in many states (California, Colorado, Connecticut, Maryland, Nevada, New York, Rhode Island, and Washington) it’s a requirement that they share the salary range with candidates. It is SO refreshing to stop the song and dance and not waste time on both ends.

   4. I’d ask one more time. “Before the GC makes time to talk to me, did you confirm that the take-home pay for this role would be more than X? I’m serious about not being willing to leave my current job for less than that, even accounting for benefits or changes in work-life balance.”

      1. gah not take-home pay but you know what I mean.

   5. Raise it again and be very direct. Unless the recruiter says something alone the lines of yes the company can meet that requirement, I would pass. Also, even if they can meet your minimum requirement, I would consider potential for raises down the line. If this is their max it might limit you in the future.

      1. This. For all you know, the recruiter hasn’t even raised it with the company or she has but the company may have heard her talk but not agreed to it. You need to know that the company is on board.

      2. I just wanted to second the advice to think about raises down the road for anyone who may be job seeking. I’m not in law but left a position for a company that stretched to reach my minimum. I listened for years about how expensive I was and how I would need to forego raises despite excellent reviews— until they finally eliminated my position during Covid cost cutting. I’m now making considerably more in a higher position elsewhere and kicking myself for wasting so many of my peak earning years. Some companies can’t afford you, and it’s better for everyone to realize that at the outset.

5. Anyone have experience booking ski holidays in the Italian Alps (Dolomites)? We are starting to think about vacation for next year, and trying to figure out all the logistics and look for additional recs. We are Toronto based – usually much cheaper to fly into Munich versus Milan. Which areas would you suggest targeting for lodging? We are interested in a small family-run hotel (refugio?) or even something verging on a hostel (common space, kitchen access, etc), but with private rooms. Any and all suggestions welcome!

   1. Stacie Flinner did a Dolomite ski trip maybe in 2022 – I bet her blog has a post about what they did.

   2. I don’t but I follow an influencer who lives in Italy and just did this with her kids, and it looks incredible and so family-friendly. Her content is in French, but if you look up “ Ali di Firenze – ski dolomites ”, she has a blog article with several hotel recommendations and you can probably google translate it well enough to get the gist of it.

   3. No recommendations but this sounds awesome and I hope you have a great trip. My dream is to ski in Portillo one year.

   4. We flew into Innsbruck for our Dolomites trip, so that might be worth looking at as well. We stayed at the Hotel Grones in Ortisei and I could not recommend it more highly (although this is definitely more hotel than hostel). If you stay there, highly recommend the package that includes dinner-the food was incredible.

      1. Not OP, but I’ve added this to my bucket list — looks amazing!

      2. Agreed, thanks for this rec! I am interested in a summer trip, but this hotel looks great.

   5. Search Kinder Hotels and you’ll get a variety of family focused ski hotels in Austria/Italy.

      1. Not OP but has anyone stayed at those before? They look awesome – what’s the reality like?

   6. Join any Ikon pass group on Facebook and there is tons of info regarding this. Certain resorts require an upgrade from the Ikon pass. Of course you can go and pay just for Dolomiti passes, depending on where you ski.

      Even if you don’t have an Ikon pass, the groups will have lots of helpful travel tips. Note that this year, the Alps had an absolutely terrible snow year, so…bear that in mind when you’re committing to expensive flights and lodging.

      Also, many European lodging options in ski areas operate on the chalet system of Saturday to Saturday trips, so if you’re finding nothing, adjust your dates to account for this.

   7. You’re better off flying to Milan. If you want to fly into Munich, you’re better off skiing in Austria.

6. Chapter 13 here. Just posting again this morning to see if those of you who have been through a Public Trust interview can share your experiences. What did they ask? My interviewer indicated we would be going over my paperwork but I also printed a number of things to have in my back pocket, including my budget showing I have plenty of funds to make my chapter 13 payment and am not susceptible to bribery. I also printed my credit counseling class certificate and my credit reports showing I have $0 in credit balances except for one small card with some medical bills on it. Lastly, I printed my court confirmation and list of creditors because she asked for it.

   1. No advice but sending you all of the good vibes!! Good luck!

   2. Try posting in the fednews subreddit

   3. My interview was very low key. They asked about drug use (none) and where I had traveled because I forgot to list Canada on the form. I honestly don’t remember what else we talked about. I didn’t bring any papers with me.

7. Work is really slow this quarter. At the same time, I’m struggling to do the not urgent billable tasks on my list. I sit at my desk for 4-5 hours a day and bill maybe 2, typically just the email/phone traffic. I probably have 15-20 hours of billable time on my list that is just sitting there. Im not worried about meeting my hours this year because Q1 is often slow – really slow this year- but I usually go over. I am enjoying the slower time but also… How do I just get this stuff done?

   1. I find I get really unproductive when things are slow. I work much better with a bit of adrenaline. So you’re not alone! I use the reward method – spend two hours on this boring task then allow myself something nice (walk with the dog to the nearest coffee shop, watch a quick episode of my favorite show while filing emails, whatever works for you). Having a finite amount of time to spend helps with tedious stuff. And you’re not alone, it’s been slow for a lot of people this quarter.

   2. I tell myself “at some point a hot project is going to drop in my lap and then I will be mad I didn’t clear this low-priority miscellany out when I had the time” to trick myself into urgency.

      1. I am currently mad that I didn’t clear the low-priority miscellany now that a hot project has dropped. So learn from my example.

      2. Yup. “Tomorrow will bring its own tasks!”

   3. Network. Spend this time going to lunch with everyone you haven’t caught up with in a while. Schedule all the doctors appoints you need. Fill your calendar back up with stuff other than work.

   4. Can you plan to spend X amount of time on the low priority tasks, and then reward yourself with some rest? Being well rested ahead of the busy season is important too!

   5. I set a fake deadline for myself, like I need to get all these boring things done by EOD Thursday, or else. For some reason the challenge of time pressure motivates me like nothing else does.

8. I’m looking for a camel colored trenchcoat. The catch is it must come in petite sizes. I’ve already looked at J crew and banana republic, but neither have options that I like. I want to find something fairly simple, without a hood or a lot of fussy features. Any leads?

   1. The mom’s site features a tan trench coat today.

   2. Lands End or LL Bean.

   3. GAP Icon Trench.

      1. I saw this in store last week and was considering it. It’s lovely.

   4. browse Extra Pet-te’s blog/Insta? She is always hunting down pet-te-friendly classic coats.

      1. Is pet*te a filtered word?!?! I knew the world had it in for us short people!!! ;)

         1. at one point it was – the list of letter strings that go to m-d is long!

   5. Talbots?

   6. Boden

9. There was a hair discussion yesterday where someone mentioned having your hair in a ponytail all the time can cause hair thinning. My hair is fine, super straight and long: I wear it in a ponytail 90% of the time. But I hate my hair being in my face. Is there a haircut where I could wear my hair down but still have it out of my face? I’ve had a bob before and it’s just annoying.

   1. I think the issue is more tight ponytails than combing your hair back loosely. Can you switch it up by doing claw clip styles with less pressure?

      1. +1

         Yes, this is it.

      2. Yes — or even just varying how you wear your hair up can help. My daughter has the same hair type as you, and I noticed a lot of breakage when she was wearing a high ponytail most days.

   2. I’d like to piggy back on this one. I also have thinning hair – especially in one area. I’m not sure what to do and wondering whether hair extensions might be a good way to go. But wondering if that will make my hair thin more? does someone have experience with hair extensions and whether it furthers hair loss or is a good idea to cover it up?

      Thanks!

   3. There isn’t and it’s fine. I’ve had long straight hair in a pony tail for my almost 50 years of life so far and have yet to experience that.

      1. ok…. But haven’t we all learned by now that not all of us are the same?

         You have good hair. N = 1.

         Due to genetic, hormonal, nutritional reasons…. many beyond our control…. we have different hair. And body shapes. And medical problems. So we try to modify the limited behaviors we can, if we care about it.

         1. Good grief, she asked if ponytails cause hair loss and I shared it has not. OBVIOUSLY everyone is different but I still don’t think your style has anything to do with it.

   4. 1. Helpful for me to not pull my hair back when it’s wet. That destroys it.

      2. Piggybacking on the poster asking about extensions for thinning hair, for other people who are worrying their hair isn’t thick enough, please remember to look at actual people in real life before you judge yourself. There are unreal expectations set for women as to how thick your hair is supposed to be as an adult, e.g., by celebrities and influencers wearing wigs and extensions as well as photoshop. Body positivity needs to include not just size but also the natural effects of aging. (Also, I’m not directing this comment to the poster who has a thinning spot and asked a specific question. Just a rant about the unrealistic possibility expectations posed on adult women. I have a close friend with clinical alopecia and it’s a real issue and struggle for her, and totally different than the average woman’s situation.)

      1. Thank you for this. I have had thin hair with breakage my whole life and now it is thinning in an area. There was a conversation here months ago where someone was making judgments about professionalism of a colleague based on their hair not being “done” and I felt so insecure after that.

      2. ugh, yes! I see all these fancy braids and updos and elaborate styles on my pinterest feed and they all have thick hair down to there. Yes you can do cool waves and things, but with my hair it looks like a rat tail real quick.

   5. I pile all my hair on top of my head in a neat bun. Ballerina or librarian style. I get a lot of compliments, and feel it looks more mature than a ponytail. I exercise often and my perception is that the bun creates less “pull” on my hair relative to a ponytail.

   6. I have fine hair and I like to pull it half up using jsut 2-3 crossed over bobby pins to secure it. I can pull it so the hair is loose and gives it some volume. I also try to leave as much of the hair down as possible to give it more fullness.

      You could also try curling your hair. That gives my hair tons of volume and keeps it out of my face (since it’s styled and I hairspray it).

   7. The issue is if it’s pulling all day from the roots, or if it’s breaking at the place where the hair tie is (this is especially common if the hair isn’t completely dry when tied up).

      So maybe your pony tail is fine? But there are other ways to style your hair if not other haircuts that can keep it out of your face if you want to experiment.

   8. Irreversible thinning occurs when you habitually pull it too tightly. It is called traction alopecia.

10. Trigger warning disordered eating.

    Having a problem that I think is a little unusual. DH has had a couple of recent blood tests that show he has about 120 glucose, which is pre diabetic, and he also has borderline high cholesterol. I think both are genetic because he eats an extremely healthy diet and he does intense exercise almost every day. He is now gotten to a point where I think it’s too much – he basically only eats stuff that’s nonfat, no sugar and not processed, and will eat salad without dressing, plain oatmeal with some walnuts, etc. He is also sending me articles about ultraprocessed foods and telling me (the grocery shopper) that our kids should not eat any flavored yogurt (just plain, nonfat) we should not eat popcorn because corn is not healthy and we need to phase out all cereal except maybe cheerios, because the kids may “end up with my genes and I don’t want them to face the same issues.” I am in a bind because there have been times I’ve tried to bring it up and he gets very sensitive about it like I just don’t understand because I have normal sugar and cholesterol (he seems to resent that). It did not help that his own younger brother bought him a copy of outlive and that just stoked his healthy anxiety even more. Anyone go through something similar? Any advice?

    1. Eating stuff that’s nonfat will backfire. Of all the lies to come out of the 20th century, the one that eating fat makes you fat is one of the biggest whoppers of all. You’re right to be concerned about this for your kids but unfortunately I’m not really sure what would be best to do. Others might have better ideas – maybe getting your husband to work with a nutritionist outside of the home?

       1. +1 When I switched to full-fat (or at least 2% dairy) and good, grassfed cow butter my body changed and I actually slimmed down a bit. If he wants to eat minimally processed food then eating nonfat dairy is a contradiction.

          1. Nonfat dairy is also really bad for kids. Many of the essential vitamins in milk are fat-soluble and need fat in order to be absorbed. Stripping out the fat takes away the nutrition. I liked Michelle Obama, but her push to remove full-fat dairy from schools was incredibly misguided and harmful, especially for kids who aren’t getting good nutrition at home.

       2. I’d encourage some counseling on this. It sounds like he’s got some real anxiety about this issue, and it’s starting to impact the whole family. Restrictive eating like this can have a huge impact on kids and can be the cause of eating disorders in the future, including over or binge eating. I’d agree with the above poster about working with someone, but I would only recommend a registered dietician. Anyone can call themselves a nutritionist.

          1. Agree. I would start with a join appointment with his doctor to discuss what lifestyle changes the doctor recommends. Then a join appointment with a registered dietitian recommended by the doctor, if changes to diet are recommended. Then a trip to meet with your kids pediatrician to see how the above changes should be addressed when feeding the whole family including kids. Make this about following scientific and professional advice, not about whatever the latest TikTok or Insta post said.

    2. Isn’t popcorn healthy because it has fiber, which is good for lowering cholesterol?

       1. He’s read that raisins and corn have a lot of pesticides so the extrapolates that to popcorn not being healthy. We’ve had a lot of discussions about not talking about good and bad foods (I keep telling him that a healthy diet allows for the occasional treat) because that can end up messing up the kids. He still will not allow me to buy things like wheat thins or goldfish crackers – kids get a cut up apple and grape tomatoes for snacks everyday.

          1. No. You don’t need his permission to buy food. Or to feed your kids when they are hungry. Stop caving to his anxiety and control.

             1. This—you are an adult and can buy the groceries you want. In addition to a nutritionist, you might want to consider joint counseling if you feel that he ic and can control your behavior to the degree you report.

             2. Yeah, it sounds to me like your husband has some sort of anxiety disorder and is trying to control you and your kids as part of it. This can be very damaging to your mental health and your kids’ mental help, so please seek professional assistance!

          2. Oh dear. That sounds exhausting and untenable.

    3. Okay, so all of that “ultra healthy, nonfat” stuff can actually make the body more insulin resistant. Healthy fats can improve insulin sensitivity. Cheerios are just awful for blood sugar – at least with me, they spike my blood sugar and then it crashed. (I haven’t eaten them in decades and am so much happier for it.) You need protein with carbs to slow down digestion and avoid dumping all that into your system at once.

       Have him meet with an RD, rather than trying to go down internet rabbit holes.

       1. Yeah, I have insulin resistance and overhauled my diet after being diagnosed. The way he is eating is not at all designed to reduce or stabilize blood sugar. Oatmeal is also terrible for your blood sugar. I eat way more fat now than I did before and still lost some weight after drastically cutting processed carbs. To top it all off, intense exercise can also cause your blood sugar to spike.

          I empathize with your husband because getting a metabolic diagnosis was tough. Does he have a continuous glucose monitor? They just approved one for over the counter use, or you can get a prescription through various online companies. It might be helpful for him to wear one for a while so he can learn what foods and activities actually spike his blood sugar and which ones don’t.

          1. This is a good idea. How does the insulin monitor work? Do you check it all the time or does it store the data somewhere? Do you need to do pin pricks?

             1. I actually think a CGM would be a terrible idea for your husband right now. He sounds like he has developed a classic case of orthorexia and will obsess over every tiny change and a CGM will give him a new reading to worry about every 4 minutes! I think that amount of data, especially combined with the fact that he doesn’t sound like he’s making changes based on sound nutritional reasoning, will send him spiraling. Once he’s in a healthier mental space, a CGM could be really helpful for seeing where dietary changes are actually helping his glucose control, but not now.

                Especially given the way that this is impacting your kids, I think you are at the point where professional help is needed immediately. If you don’t know how to get it, start by going to an appointment with his PCP to talk about orthorexia and get referrals to a registered dietician and a counselor who have experience with eating disorders.

             2. I agree, I don’t think a CGM would be helpful right now with the level of anxiety and control you’re reporting.

             3. A continuous glucose monitor is a wearable (so just one prick I guess when putting it on). Usually for this kind of indication, you keep a diary of what you ate and compare it to the blood glucose log.

                Some of the ways your husband is eating right now would be disastrous for some people trying to manage blood sugar, but people are different… but it helps to know what meals are spiking blood glucose and what meals are keeping it stable.

                Depends on country / insurance plan whether it will be covered for a resting glucose of 120 since they’re still relatively new, but an OTC was just approved, or with a prescription it’s not that bad to self-pay at Costco.

                I really thought full fat yogurt was actually associated with better health outcomes than nonfat. Whatever else your husband pursues he may want to see a recently educated dietician.

          2. +1 to talking to a registered dietician

          3. +1 he needs to eat whole foods, but lower carb. Lots more protein and fat (and fibrous veggies).

             You can get a CGM without a doctor’s RX and pay OOO through companies like Levels. Although, I will warn you all the data you get can make you (or made me, anyway) more obsessive about what you eat and how it impacts your blood glucose levels.

             1. Also, to add kids need carbs. Ideally whole food ones… but some processed carbs won’t kill them. Kids burn a lot of energy and their nutritional needs are totally different from adults.

    4. The kids already have the genes, no?

       Seriously, some people need to be on statins in their 20s and some people in the same household, even if they share some of the same genes, don’t. Your doctor should BOLO for this with the kids’ bloodwork, so there is no harm testing for sugars and cholesterol / triglicerides.

       I eat all of the salt and fat and carbs because I can. Spouse could become a vegan and his body will make cholesterol from whatever it has on hand. Just his bad luck. I try to tame the toxic food talk at home — that ain’t healthy for a kid and is so, so toxic. Maybe you can both go to a doctor because you can’t have him mess his kids up over this — they may have legit challenges from their genes, but that’s attacked differently from how he’s going about it.

       1. Agree. My husband and I eat almost the exact same diet (mostly at home) and we exercise together and my cholesterol is way, way better than his. Genetics can’t be out-exercised.

          1. This. It is not a failing to need medications to control cholesterol levels. A healthy lifestyle is great, but if you’re genetically predisposed (as much DH is), you are fighting an uphill battle.

             OP, I think you’re 100 percent right to be concerned about your DH’s thoughts and feelings about food. Would he be open to getting some professional advice from a dietician, a therapist, or both?

             1. Right? I have a kid on thyroid meds. From birth. It’s not a failing and is a condition easily managed with medication. Thanks to that, her brain developed normally and she will have a full life. Without meds, I shudder to think. Statins are a gift. Ditto meds to help with blood sugar if exercise fails to. Take the science. The superstitions he has won’t serve anyone well.

             2. I think he’s not open to getting advice from a dietitian or doctor. He never even asked his doctor whether his numbers are a concern. He’s just looking at the patterns from his test results and freaking out that he needs to do more about it. I’m trying to tell him that we already eat healthy, but I don’t think he is convinced that that’s the case.

             3. Curious why he thinks he’s more knowledgeable than a dietitian?

             4. To the Anon at 11:31– I’m not the OP, but I do have an anxiety disorder. In husband’s “defense,” his not listening to a dietician could be a symptom of the disorder. It isn’t about the objective truth in the world, it’s more about a feeling of control in a situation he feels is scary. This does not absolve him from getting help so he doesn’t damage the health of his loved ones! But some of these patterns sound very familiar to my own thinking, and I benefited from therapy and anxiety meds rather than visiting other doctors.

             5. I’m a crunchy, make-my-own-granola parent and your husband sounds bonkers to me. I don’t think it’s ok for an adult to insist on a very restrictive diet for children in the absence of medical advice. He wants to avoid corn and raisins and fat for himself? You can ask him to get medical advice, but an adult can choose to eat strangely and refuse medical advice.

                You can and should put your foot down on a restrictive diet for children that he makes up. This can be damaging to their physical and mental development. If he feels like the children need a restrictive diet because of genetic risk, you guys can talk with the pediatrician or ask the pediatrician for a referral to a registered dietician to discuss what your children need. But he does not get to impose his eating issues on children because he got some disappointing labs and then read a few books.

    5. Can you clarify what you’re concern is? Are you worried that this will give your kids issues around food? Or do you think it’s a lot of work for no reason? One option here is to suggest you and your husband meet with your kids pediatrician. I doubt that the pediatrician will recommend kids go on a super clean diet because, in 30 years, they might be pre-diabetic.

       1. I’m just trying to not go crazy with the many requests that keep changing with the tides and requires everyone else in our household to adjust. Plus, I feel like i need to draw a line somewhere, but I can’t win because I think it sounds insensitive to his health concerns if I tell him “no.” E.g., we’ve already eliminated from our family meals: white rice, non-whole-wheat pasta, non-whole-wheat bread, bacon and other processed meats, granola bars, cookies, chips, juice, high fructose anything, any oil other than olive oil, etc. He doesn’t want the kids to eat bagels, English muffins, cereal (even stuff like rice crispies or Chex) or flavored yogurt at all, so we don’t have a lot of good options for breakfast on school days. I’m just frustrated because everyone else I know IRL is trying to get their husbands to eat healthier so I can’t even vent to my friends.

          1. A lot of this pretty reasonable – our staples are brown rice and whole wheat pasta and whole grain breads as well. Most people don’t eat near enough fibre. We don’t keep juice in the house on the regular but I do bake cookies with the kids every weekend for school over the week.

             Can you approach it like ‘we need to find balance on this and this issue’ instead of ‘everything you’re doing is too extreme’. Like maybe there’s more slack around the snacks kids take to school vs family dinner in the evening. On the pesticides concern – can you address that by buying organic kid rice or corn cereals instead?

          2. Most of those exclusions are pretty common with relevant health conditions. Honestly the only one of those foods I eat is oils other than olive oil (I also use sesame oil). So if there is a relevant health condition, you might need to adjust your thinking about whether those are extreme exclusions or not.

             However I’m diagnosed and treated. I don’t understand how that piece has fallen out here. If he is concerned that his kids have inherited a serious medical condition from him, why on earth wouldn’t he pursue testing and treatment? Wouldn’t that be some kind of neglect?

             What happened with his own medical team that he wasn’t referred to a dietician for managing his prediabetes? Did they never discuss metformin?

          3. I try to buy whole grains, oils that are not processed with solvents, and foods without unnecessary added sugar and especially HFCS. I buy organic grains when possible because conventional grains are sprayed with Roundup, a known carcinogen. I also buy organic dairy and meats when possible because the animals eat grain. And I limit processed meats to once or twice a week. These are all actually quite reasonable healthy choices. Your husband has just gone overboard in his insistence on these things, and he’s not following the latest thinking on low-fat v. full-fat dairy.

             Moderation and flexibility are key. My kids and I won’t eat plain yogurt so I buy Chobani Less Sugar (no artificial sweeteners and a reasonable amount of real sugar). We like sourdough white bread so we have it sometimes even though it’s not whole-grain. Etc.

          4. You’re letting your husband abuse your kids. Like sit with that. You know this isn’t healthy for them. Who cares about his feelings? He is not your top priority.

             1. It’s not about the specific restrictions, it is about imposing his anxiety on the family.

             2. Oh please. Feeding your kids whole grain bread and fruit instead of goldfish crackers is not abusive.

    6. You’re describing my husband to a t. He tries to keep his disordered eating to himself, but I have to shield our kids from a lot. “I’m not going to buy them unsweetened yogurt: they are CHILDREN. They can have sugar sometimes.” Gently, did he not /read/ Outlive? Attia is a huge proponent of using pharmacological interventions when diet and exercise isn’t enough, which for my spouse and yours it isn’t. It’s not a moral failing of your spouse: it’s just bad luck with the genes they got. I would encourage you to read Outlive and go to your spouse with “this is what he recommends for high cholesterol: would you be willing to try it?” Sometimes my spouse will take an “expert” opinion over mine. Good luck. This is one of the most frustrating aspects of my marriage because it is so pervasive.

       1. I agree. The food chapter in Outlive has almost no specific guidance except to eat lots of protein. The author very specifically doesn’t evaluate any real diet plan and certainly doesn’t advocate for eating plain oatmeal and salads without dressing.

          Having said that, I can see how it would be damaging to someone with health anxiety anyway because of the focus on numbers and health markers.

       2. Huh, he read outlive cover to cover and he seemed to be more concerned about his numbers, plus now he will only eat steel cut oats, which are healthier than old fashioned oatmeal. He adds chia seeds soaked in water to add more fiber. I didn’t know that that book talked about taking medicines. That may be the root of all of this – he is opposed to taking daily meds. For me, a person who has taken thyroid meds for decades, I just don’t see this as an issue.

          1. Yes, the book is all about taking meds and supplements! There’s also a lot about exercise. Studying his trends is very in line as well. You can’t force him to do anything, but it sounds like the very numbers-driven type of advice given by this book is not helpful to him.

             The author is very into optimization and getting your numbers in certain ranges (with or without the help of medication)

          2. Whoever mentioned orthorexia is correct. These disorders are very dangerous. He needs therapy and actual nutrition guidance from a licensed professional.

          3. Steel cut oats are not healthier than rolled oats; they aren’t even easier on my blood sugar though I’ve heard they are for some people. (I can’t eat any oats if I want good glucose readings.) It sounds like he’s flailing around trying to DIY this.

       3. Just want to say thank you for chiming in though – I’ve felt very alone in this, and knowing another person here is in the same boat somehow makes me feel better.

    7. Does he respond to facts and rational discussions and moderate his views, or is he truly trapped in anxiety that focuses on health/food/exercise?

       1. It’s the latter. His entire family is generally anxious about health anything and is really into each other’s business. This cereal ban was actually started when his brother texted that his glucose was high and his doctor told him he should stop eating cereal. So, between the brother gifting him the outlive book and sharing this info about cereal, it has actually made the health anxiety worse.

          1. Since he’s trapped in anxiety, you must respond to this like an anxiety thing and stop trying to deal with it as if it’s a health and nutrition discussion. You need personal help for how you can draw lines so you don’t participate in his anxiety. Don’t focus on the topic of the anxiety (health); become aware of the anxiety itself and what you need to do to be married to an anxious person without taking it on as yours.

    8. As someone who eats salad without dressing, plain oatmeal, and mainly Cheerios as my dry cereal (side note: Grain Berry is a great alternate!), I would separate his preferences from his preoccupation with the nutrition of his food choices. I have no health reasons to eat this way and basically never talk about my health. There’s nothing wrong with the foods you’ve described or even worrying about what you, together, feed your kids. The potential harm comes in the messages you are giving to your kids, so I would focus on that and lose the noise about what goes in your cart.

       1. Agree. I keep waiting for the list of foods to actually get extreme but it seems like it’s whole grains instead of white pasta/rice/bread and fruit over crackers while is literally what is in public health recommendations?

          He sounds a bit anxious about it but not unreasonable. Talk to your ped.

    9. My FIL went off the deep end like this. He only eats boiled meat now, he smells so bad, his house smells so bad. The man is sickly but he’s convinced that any sugar or fibre will kill him. One day he’ll collapse and then that will be enough to get him into involuntary treatment but until then we just have to accept it because he won’t willingly change.

       1. Boiled meat? I would rather eat cardboard.

       2. Yikes

    10. You have to get into counseling. Do not let your husband give your kids an eating disorder.

        1. +1 Growing up with a mother with an eating disorder was difficult. Zero surprise that I’ve I’ve suffered with it since I was 12 as well. It’s a hell I wish upon no one. Good luck.

        2. +1. This situation sounds really bad.

    11. Could he work with a good dietician? His information seems inaccurate on top of all the problematic dynamics.

        1. Also – any dietary concerns about your kids he should raise with their doctor in a virtual appointment with the kids not present. Hopefully the doctor is sane about that and he should defer to the expert here.

    12. I have some sympathy for your husband, because I too have genetic high cholesterol. I also had gestational diabetes that I was able to control with diet. My dr. referred me to a nutritionist and she really emphasized healthy fats and protein. I also had a touch of food aversions especially to meat but ate a lot of full fat greek yogurt, nuts, peanut butter and cheese. What I did cut out was most fruits, and nearly all bread-wheat-rice-pasta carbs. I tested my blood sugar and could see what impacts foods had. By the end of my pregnancy, I was pretty much limited to only eggs and turkey sausage for breakfast. Morning/rising glucose is hard to get a handle on. However, for dinner I could have a carefully measured serving of protein pasta + a protein. I also ate a lot of edamame because it has protein, and I was meh on meat. The combinations of foods matters too, as well as simply taking a walk after a meal. I will say, I looked amazing as a pregnant lady and gained a pretty minimal amount of weight that I quickly shed (That said, I got into some bad habits during 2020 and gained 15 lbs, and went back to the GD diet and lost it). It sucks to have to limit your diet while other people just eat whatever and are fine (ahem, my husband) and sometimes I think people lean way into it as measure of control. Add in kids who are you are trying to teach good habits to and that’s even harder. My advice is to see a nutritionist if he hasn’t (or find a new one if he has!)

        1. This is a great response. Limitations on foods are not necessarily disordered eating. OP needs to work with a dietician even if her DH won’t.

           So many people here would jump to ‘only eggs and turkey sausage for breakfast is unhealthy’ or ‘any amount of strawberries is fine’ and those things can be wrong depending on the health situation.

    13. My husband went through something like this during/after the pandemic, and it was very clearly linked to anxiety. It was so hard for him to recognize the disordered thinking. At one point he was eating bowls of beans and greens at every meal, supplemented by blueberries and walnuts for snacks. I put my foot down hard when he began applying his nutrition rules to our kids. At one point he pulled out a measuring cup to “teach” them the proper serving size for frozen strawberries. He’s doing better now but still slips into the old patterns if he’s stressed or tired.

        What helped most for him was reminding him that mealtimes are not strictly a nutritional transaction, but also a time to connect as a family, try new things, experience joy, etc.

    14. I’m somewhere in between on this. We buy plain unsweetened greek yoghurt as our staple and then add nuts/fruit/jam/honey to flavor. Way easier than keeping track of having everyone’s fav flavours on hand.

        I also eat plain oatmeal with nuts and drizzle of maple syrup or honey because it’s yummy – that’s not really an extreme diet food or something. You don’t have to add sugar for foods to be tasty.

        Focus on eating whole foods over packaged stuff and the importance of moderation around treats. Shielding your kids from the diet talk is the most important thing – he can eat what he wants without needing to talk about it in front of the kids. Real food, not too much and lots of movement/activity each day.

        1. Saying “You don’t have to add sugar for foods to be tasty” right after you give an example of adding sugar (which is what maple syrup and honey are) to make food yummy…is something.

           1. OMG – can you not see the nuance -she’s complaining that her husband is eating plain oatmeal with nuts and I pointed out that it’s not weird to eat things without sugar.

              Separately she noted that he doesn’t want to buy yoghurt with sugar and I explained a way to find balance with getting the yoghurt he prefers but adding toppings the kids might enjoy.

              People can both include sugar as part of healthy eating and also find that many foods don’t need added sugar to be tasty…it’s quite something that you don’t realize that. Balance is a thing.

              1. LOL, I understand perfectly. This is about what you said, not what she said. I myself add sugar to plain yogurt sometimes via honey and buy yogurt with some sugar added. Sugar in moderation is perfectly fine and can help you maintain a balanced diet. You did not give an example of eating plain, unsweetened food – you gave an example of adding sugar. That has nothing to do with explaining how it’s not weird to eat things without sugar.

                 Sounds like we agree generally about food, but I just don’t see how your example of adding honey says anything at all about how it’s not weird to eat unsweetened foods.

        2. …you realize honey and maple syrup are full of sugar, right? it’s a different form than table sugar and slightly more easily digested, but it’s sugar.

           1. You realize kids can eat sugar right? That’s the whole point? Buy a base food that her DH likes/wants and add options for the kids. Kids can have sugar and she can stop acting like his sugar free options are crazy. Both are possible.

              1. Yes? I was responding to the person who said you didn’t have to add sugar for things to be tasty and then said she added two things with sugar as an example.

           2. HFCS vs maple syrup/honey is not the same. There are better and worse sugars.

    15. This is not a food issue; this is a mental health issue. Maybe start by looking into orthorexia?

        1. If his resting blood glucose is that high, it could easily be both. People who haven’t experience blood sugar swings don’t always appreciate what they do to mental health.

    16. Does he not understand that his kids already have his genes?
        That aside, though, it seems that the actual problem is his obsession and that he is forcing his obsession onto everyone in the home. The man needs a therapist, and a nutritionist.
        In the meantime I would absolutely put my foot down about no one else being obligated to follow his diet choices. Especially the nonfat stuff.

        1. I assume he means the relevant genes (which they may not have, right? like how they may not have his hair color).

           He definitely needs to understand that children are not adults and have different dietary needs.

    17. you and your husband need to see some kind of therapist together or he needs to go separately and/or a nutritionist. my aunt was like this. first of all, she ended up dropping dead in her 50s and it wasn’t definitive but her restrictive eating definitely screwed up her body. secondly, it REALLY screwed up her children. one of my cousins ate and gained weight to spite her mom. the other one did the opposite. kids should have foods other than cut up apple and tomatoes. while no one needs to eat goldfish/processed food and i wish my kids ate less sugar, there can be a happy medium. i’m not sure i know anyone who never gives their kids ANY processed food

    18. Coming from someone whose total cholesterol was 280 at 21 and whose strict diet directed by an medical professional at one of the best health care facilities in the country resulted in it going all the way down to 245, the reality is that his strict diet is not likely to do much good. He needs to meet with a registered dietician. Right now his knee-jerk reaction is from fear because he is terrified of death or disability but he is likely doing more harm than good.

        Tell him you want to talk to your kids’ doctor before you make any radical changes to their diet. Suggest that rather than relying on a book he does not seem to have actually read he needs to talk to medical professionals but you are not change your kids diet to something that will almost certainly backfire without medical advice. And if he is resisting statins, point out that even young healthy people whose lifestyles are perfect can die of heart disease young and that is why we have medications.

    19. re: the kids, it’s time to loop in your pediatrician. You and DH should go to the appointment together so he hears first hand what the pedi says.

        1. No, this is just legitimating his obsession.

    20. Another problem seems to be that he’s telling you what everyone CAN’T have….with no contribution to what they CAN have. Even aside from whether the can’t/can lists are correct, that’s reflecting a lot of emotional and mental labor back on you.

    21. Many of your husband’s dietary choices are sound (whole grains), although some are not (nonfat dairy). The problem is that all of these choices seem to be driven by anxiety and/or an eating disorder plus a desire to control others. When a mental illness is at play, you don’t feed the obsession by negotiating over its terms. He needs to get evaluation and treatment for the underlying disorder. Until then he should not be allowed to have any input on what the kids are eating, even if his ideas are objectively good.

    22. Hi OP, several people have mentioned that your husband is dealing with orthorexia, which is my take too. I want to note that in my experience with friends dealing with this particular eating disorder, it tends to get worse. More foods and categories of food get moved to the “bad” list over time. The restricted eating doesn’t quell the anxiety, but the temporary high of taking something else away works for a while. It’s a long, sad cycle, and very hard to get out of. Add to that the societal pressures to be thin and young which manifest in social approval for disordered eating. Your husband will need help to come out of it.

        But I’m most worried about your kids. My teenage niece has been hospitalized twice for anorexia, which she developed after her father married a woman who developed orthorexia. Obviously there are a lot of factors, but kids take on their parents’ anxieties, and seeing an ever-growing list of forbidden foods is not a good way to develop a healthy relationship with food. I hope you are able to convince him to seek help, if not for himself, then for your children’s sake.

        1. He does actually need a restricted diet if his resting blood glucose is 120 (though for all I know that was postprandial and there’s nothing wrong with the man). Restrictions can dramatically improve somebody’s relationship with food if they’re helping.

           But the anxiety and avoidance that he’s approaching this with definitely needs to be addressed.

           1. and this comment (Anon at 1:51 PM) is exactly what I meant by “social approval for disordered eating”

              1. Social approval for medically required diets is good! My eating was vastly more disordered before I was on a medically restricted diet for blood glucose control and Celiac. I’m also okay with social approval for diets that follow public health guidelines. =

11. My company has a “Going concern” clause in our most recent annual earnings report – I am not a finance person but rapid wikipedia/news reading says this is basically because we have a large debt due in November, but no financing for it.

    Our leadership says it’s not a big deal, basically an accounting formality but the news coverage reads like analysts think it /is/ – anyone want to weigh in, would you consider this a major risk factor or would you be looking to leave if this was your company?

    1. I would polish that resume girl, that ain’t good.

    2. IF the accountants say that they have going concern problems, believe them. This is a big deal.

       1. +1 – that’s Bad.

    3. It is a bad sign for the company’s long-term health, though doesn’t necessarily mean the company will go bankrupt in November. Distressed companies find additional credit sometimes – but even if they find credit, it is not at all a good sign things got to this point.

       It does not hurt to start job searching.

    4. Big deal and time to move on.

    5. Thank you all – this was helpful to hear (and I’ll act on it!)

       I moved cross country for this job and /really/ wanted it to work out, and I think that hope has been clouding my thinking – but if I’m being brutally honest, there are a lot of signs it’s a dead end for me (including.. no women in leadership)

    6. What do you expect leadership to say? Of course they said it’s a formality and there company is doing fine.

       Job search.

       1. My husband’s former employer called an all-hands meeting to officially say there were no layoffs happening and that the gossiping about layoffs needed to stop. Mass layoffs started that afternoon. People’s emails stopped working before they even got called into HR.

12. Vent/rant – family dynamics and money. My parents are in their late 70s and updated their estate plans/medical directives. Everything will be split 50/50 between myself and my brother – I’m the executor and he’ll be overseeing medical decisions. I spoke with my dad this week and he reiterated where the medical/estate materials are located and then said, oh, and I wanted you to know that we’re also going to be covering college costs for niece/nephew.
    I kind of paused and said, wait, all the kid’s college costs (my 2 and my brother’s 2)? He clarified no, just your brother’s kids because he makes less and can’t afford to save for college. My dad said he’d pay for each kid to go to my parent’s alma matter ($50k/yr now), more when the kids are ready for college in 8-10 yrs. I just said ‘oh, well, it’s your money, you can do what you’d like with it’ and left it. My parents favor my brother and have given him money before but this is next level.
    Committing to putting two kids through 4-yrs of private school is easily 1/2 the value of their liquid assets which is SO risky if they need more intensive care in the future. I’m also hurt personally and on behalf of my kids – I feel like I’m being punished for being responsible and making good choices. I have zero chance of changing anyone’s minds here so aside from setting hard boundaries (I will not bail my parents out of medical expenses if they exhaust their liquid funds this way) and venting to a therapist I guess I just suck it up? Other thoughts/commiseration?

    1. I can understand why it’s hurtful. Even if you don’t “need” your parents to pay for your kids’ college educations, the fact that the grandkids are being treated unequally hurts. It’s also worrisome that paying for college is going to drain their own financial resources that may be needed someday.

    2. This is so hard. But they are free to do whatever they want with their own money. You are also free to do what you want with your own, so I’d keep that hard boundary of not helping them if they get into a bind with not being able to meet their expenses in their old age/retirement. Also, unless they created something like a trust that’s already been funded, this is still just an intent at this point. Depending on how long it will be before they go to school, this may not actually occur. Or the kids could decide they don’t want to go to that school and attend another college. This is one of those things that I would have to tell myself to let go, but I would not let myself forget it, if that makes sense.

    3. This is a different scenario, but on the commiseration front, my sister is a spendthrift who doesn’t save a cent for anything (luckily her husband has a retirement acct through work) but she has rich in-laws. They contribute to her kids’ 529s every year, and eventually my sister and her DH will probably inherit a lot of money (in-laws own three houses and had a big job, and even if bills come up at the end of life there will probably still be a lot left). Meanwhile we will be lucky to inherit much of anything from my in-laws, and are scrimping and saving. Sister bought a new house and immediately redid two bathrooms, replaced all floors and even the doorknobs to be her preferred metal, etc. We bought a new house with bathrooms that literally leaked through the floor (found after purchase, of course) and are hoping the stopgap measures will last us 3-5 years while we find the cash.

       I know it must be particularly painful to have your own parents treat you differently. Perhaps they subscribe to the “fair isn’t equal” philosophy and because they love their grandkids, their perspective is that they want them all to have opportunities and they think this is the only way for your brother’s kids. But I totally get the sense that you are doing everything “right” and a sibling who is doing it “wrong” will make out in the end. It’s probably petty, but it’s still hard.

    4. Commisseration, on a lower scale. My widowed mother paid for my brother’s entire wedding (over 30K) and gave him 10K for his first house. I bought my own house before I even married my husband (at City Hall!). My mother would then worry about money occasionally (not rationally, she had enough to pay for my brother and also to give me money). I slaved away at a big law job for too long and when she died I did get a nice inheritance (by then I’d moved to a lower paying job). Towards the end of her life, my mother did start sending me checks for like $1000 here and there but it did not end up to what she paid my brother. It was only ever discussed once when I made a comment about the waste of money for a wedding (yes I was bitter) and she said well you have more than enough to pay for a wedding if you’d wanted one, and brother does not. I had to let it go. Its not fair, however. I feel like women in particular get punished for success sometimes.

    5. I can definitely commiserate. My parents are similar ages and recently decided that my sister is inheriting everything because she needs the money more than I do. I have a successful job and she does not. I have always had the burden of any family responsibilities, pick up the check when we all go out to eat, pay for things when we all go on vacation. She never offers to contribute. I have 3 kids and she has none. I had no reaction when they told me – I think I just said ok because I certainly wasn’t going to say it was fine. But it is their decision. It really sucks! There has been alot of resentment building inside me ever since they told me.

       1. Failing serious mental/physical disabilities in one child that necessitate additional ongoing support or MAJOR differences in earnings situations (school techer vs. tech founder with massive IPO) I just can’t get my head around intentionally favoring one child over another like this. An inheritance often stands in for a final gesture of care/love on the parent’s behalf and these feelings of bitterness tend to stick around for decades.

       2. I can also commiserate. My parents are fairly wealthy and supported my adult brother, including buying him a business, until he drank himself to death. Since then, my parents have made a point to explain that now that he’s gone they plan to spend every cent before they die. They’ve sold real estate that’s been in my family for generations in order to make sure me and my kids inherit nothing. I have no idea why they are like this.

          1. i am so sorry. that is so incredibly hurtful.

       3. Legally, it is their decision. That doesn’t make it okay.

          Think of it this way: if you loaned money to a relative with a actual signed agreement to repay, including the right to take them to court, repo the car, or put a lien on the house, you are legally entitled to use those methods to get your money back. You would also change the relationship permanently. Sure you are allowed to, but that doesn’t mean it comes without consequences.

       4. Commiseration. I have spent literally hundreds of thousands on my parents, at significant personal sacrifice beyond $. Paying for dinners out in my 20s escalated to major home repairs in my 30s escalated to memory care costs while in my 40s.

          Mom has passed. I suspect my dad will leave everything to my brothers, since “I don’t need more money.” My net worth would be double if they had carried themselves, and I worry that I will have to carry one of my brothers eventually.

          My last BF commented that the men in my family seem to think that I slipped on a banana peel (metaphorically) so of course my resources should be shared with them since I didn’t actually earn any of it.

    6. Did he understand the actual costs of this? Is there a plan for how to tell your kids depending on their ages?

       1. Yes, my dad understands the actual cost (my brother went to this school and my parents paid for all 4 years and they keep up with tuition costs).
          I worry more about how to discuss this with my kids – it will surely come up at some point in the future at family gatherings and if I’m hurt as an adult I can only imagine how they will feel. We’ve already had to have hard conversations about how adults (grandparents) aren’t always wiser/don’t always make good decisions and that it is about them and not you. Having that talk because they unevenly favored your cousins in their estate is even worse than the time they missed my kid’s bday party in favor of other grandkid’s basketball practice.

          1. I would not worry about this now. The kids are still 8-10 years out from college, and never once in my family gatherings have we discussed the nuances of how everyone paid for college. Your kids are getting a free ride and have nothing to fuss over, and cousins are getting a free ride. If you are really worried about causing your kids pain I would not frame it as the others were “unevenly favored”. Just say that there was a need and grandparents lovingly tried to fill it, even it it could feel a little unfair. The college money is actually bailing out your brother; grandkids don’t really “get” to feel entitled here

             1. No who you’re responding to but this is a good point. Also, do you have to tell your kids grandma paid for their cousins’ college? I think I would have gotten slapped across the face if I asked who paid for my cousins to go to college.

             2. Agreed. I also do not think you need to tell your kids that the grandparents paid for college for their cousins college. I have never one time discussed with my cousins who paid for college for them or me.

    7. Is there any accounting for what happens if you are no longer able to pay for college for some reason?

       1. We’ve already fully funded 529s and separate accounts for both kids. I suppose anything can happen but it’s very unlikely that money wouldn’t be available.

          1. If your kids already are fully funded, I agree with your parents choice and I’d do the same for my grandkids. It’s not fair to you maybe, but it’s fair to them.

             1. I agree. It doesn’t sound like your parents can afford to pay for all four grandkids. I understand the sting, but would you truly want your neice and nephew to take on significant college debt or not go to school just to make things even? Your kids are going to be in a much better financial place anyway.

             2. I agree, except for the part where the grandparents may not have enough for their own expenses which is a huge risk. But on the fairness between siblings point, I agree. It’s fair to the grandkids.

    8. I am going through something similar and painful with a parent, who decided to cut me out entirely for no reason whatsoever. (Money is going to a non-child family member.) I basically said, look, I didn’t expect you to die with anything meaningful to give and frankly we are arranging our lives to be able to afford to help you, but this is a slap in the face and changes our relationship.

       Honestly, I’m so over Boomer entitlement. By in large, the Boomers that I know who do this stuff have parents who were scrupulous about being fair and kind in their destruction of their estates, regardless of the size of the estate. And yes, Boomers, when you play these games, you hurt people. Inheritances are often far more emotional than financial, at least for the recipient.

       1. This. My grandparents were incredibly fair in their estate planning and were so aware of not favoring any one child over another that I’m honestly shocked that my parents are acting this way. My parents have always favored my brother in lots of ways but this is the first time it’s impacted my kids, which is why I think it hurts so much!

          1. From your kid’s point of view, does it really impact them? Will it impact the college they can go to?

             1. This is what nominal gifts are for. Zero percent just hurts. Give the parents enough to pay for plane tickets for study abroad or rent for a summer internship. Kids don’t have to know that Grandma paid more for their cousins, but if they do know that, “more” just feels different than “zero to us and everything to them.”

       2. *distribution of estates, not destruction.

          Sigh, need more coffee.

       3. This has nothing to do with boomers or their skin color or their religion or their weight. Don’t generalize your hurt and anger.

          1. I don’t think this is accurate. Isn’t this one of the few generations in recorded history that has ever hired experts in spending their money on themselves without leaving any to their kids? I thought this was a whole topic in sociology since it’s such a radical departure from historic norms.

             1. There is about to be a “great wealth transfer” — the biggest in history — from boomers to their kids

          2. Statistics disagree:

             https://www.latimes.com/business/la-xpm-2011-sep-05-fi-la-boomer-inheritance-20110906-story.html

    9. i am so sorry that so many people on this board have such awful parents. mine are by no means perfect, but financially tried to do things fairly between my sister and I though air does not mean 100% equal but close to it. they paid for both of our weddings, my in-laws contributed some, hers paid for half of hers, though my parents said they still spent more on her wedding because it was larger/more extravagant. they paid for half of grad school for each of us, but it wasn’t like if one of our grad schools was 3 year and one 2 years one of us would get the difference. they helped her more with living expenses in grad school because for 2/3 years I lived with my then boyfriend/fiance/husband and paid no rent. my kids have definitely gotten more from our parents than hers will, but that’s because mine are 4 years older and so will just have more years of living while our father is still alive (our mother passed away). I plan on treating my kids the same way. You have every right to feel hurt and upset. I’d be livid.

    10. If the kids are still 8-10 years away from college and your parents are in their mid-70s, then there’s a good chance they could change their mind about it when it’s more imminent.

    11. some thoughts.

        1) focus on the kids in this story. Will your kids, and your brothers kids, all be able to go to private college now if they want? As their aunt, can you find some positive here that your niece/nephew will get to go to the college they want *despite* your brother’s finances?

        2) Your parents are in their late 70s now. If I were your brother, I would not count on any college money until your parents are either dead or writing the check. A lot can happen between now and when your youngest niece/nephew graduates from college. That will be hard for everyone.

        3) in terms of managing your own feelings on the money, I’d plan on inheriting nothing. Frankly, I’d suggest the same to your brother.

        DH and I are like you. DH’s parents have a lot of money and are old enough that we are confident they will leave inheritance. DH has a half sister that has never saved money for anything and she has 3 kids. My in-laws are paying for their education(s). Education is really important to my MIL and even though these are not her grandkids by blood she is set on making sure they have every opportunity. My oldest nephew went to trade school and my ILs paid for it (~35k all in). My middle nephew is going to U of AZ next year as an out of state student. My ILs are paying for that as well. My youngest niece is only 12 but I’m sure they’ll pay for whatever she wants to do.

        Our kids are 8, 10, and 12 and DH and I are planning to pay for whatever college they’d like to go to. We have about $300k saved in 529s, we have other savings, and we can bankroll some of it. It’s likely that my mid-80s ILs will not be alive by the time my youngest is in college and in that case we will put some of the inheritance toward college. I think once DH’s parents brought up feeling like maybe they should pay for college for our kids. We shut it down. Specifically, DH said “you sent me to the best school I could get into and paid for everything. I got a good job and now I can pay for my kids.” A few years later MIL told us that she and FIL were completely touched by that exchange, and they are so proud of DH (and me), and they wish they didn’t have to worry about DH’s SIL and her kids so much. That really stuck with me and I always think about it if I ever have fleeting grouchiness at my ILs generosity toward DH’s half sister.

    12. So I am ‘your’ kid. My grandparents paid for all my cousins’ college but not mine because my parents were ‘better off’ except my parents didn’t save at all for my education so I had to fend for myself (40h work weeks +college at the same time) while my cousins were living easy. I now see my grandparents once a year and my cousins see my grandparents as a piggy bank. It has destroyed family relationships. Funnily enough I am the most successful cousin now. AFAIK my grandparents pay my cousin’s mortgages too. Don’t worry though my grandparents are so ‘fair’ we all get the exact same Christmas gift. Grandma needs help around the house now but she’s alienated me and my cousins won’t help, so she pays the neighbor boy to mow her lawn.

        1. That’s rough for you. But OP has already fully funded her kids’ college accounts, so I think they’ll be just fine in that regard

           1. +1. Idon’t think it’s crazy for a grandparent to want to treat grandkids fairly and in this case OP’s have college paid for by their parents and the cousins don’t, so it’s actually fair to the grandkids if they pay only for the kids.

    13. I’m really sorry you have to deal with this, it’s just hurtful all the way around. My mom isn’t quite as bad as your parents, but she does have favorites and has given things to my sister and her kids that had been promised to me. I finally came to the view that it’s hers to do as she wants, but actions have consequences and being old doesn’t excuse you from these. So, of course I make sure my mom is taken care of but a lot of the emotional support is gone. I figure she’s chosen to get this from others.

    14. Commiseration. My parents have given more financial support to the eldest granddaughter in law than they did to me after I turned 18. I warned them I would not provide any financial support and gave examples of what they might consider “small” exceptions. I also warned them I would not be a caregiver, even if they ran out of money.

13. What are your favorite accessories for curly hair updos?

    1. They’re more expensive than drugstore brands but I really like the quality of the France Luxe accesories:
       https://franceluxe.com/collections/volume-barrettes

    2. people used to love spin pins back in the day. i have curly hair myself and honestly either do the claw clip if i’m hoping to salvage the curls for another day or just a regular ponytail or bun if it’s wash day.

14. Recently, I’m getting a lot of people who connect on LinkedIn (I generally accept everyone in my industry). Then, they send me repeated unsolicited messages with sales pitches or calendly links asking to connect. I ignore it, and I’ve gotten up to 3 messages spamming me. How to handle this? I’m never interested in what they’re selling. Blocking seems extreme on LinkedIn. Do I delete our connection? Tell them “no thanks”?

    1. Just ignore – this is standard-but-annoying sales tactics. Or go ahead and delete them, it’s not actually a big deal in my mind to block/ignore sales or recruiters. If you want, you could try a “not interested” before blocking but in my experience it doesn’t stop them from following up

    2. Ignore.

    3. Ugh they are so annoying. I ignore all the legal software sales pitches. Some get incredibly aggressive and strange (“seems like your company isn’t that well managed after all, you still haven’t responded to my meeting request” – um, what?). I try to respond politely to recruiters because I might want to use them in the future.

    4. Ignore. I also turned off all notifications other than connection requests so it doesn’t clutter up my email. I log in maybe once a week so I’ll see messages eventually, but don’t use Linkedin for anything remotely high priority.

    5. I decline connections of people I’ve never met, as I don’t even know if they’re real people or scammers.

15. Cat people, what are your best tips for keeping odors at bay?

    I’m staying with my mom to care for her after surgery, and I’m not a cat person. She cleans the litter box once a day, but unless you’re there standing over them with the scoop, there are just going to be odors, there are. And wet food stinks!

    Unfortunately, the only place for the litter box is in the half bath, right off the kitchen near the back door, and the wet food is in the kitchen, so when you walk in the back door, you’re just assaulted with these unpleasant odors and YUCK.

    So help please! My nose can’t take it!

    1. I have cats and a very sensitive nose, and the answer is good litter, a large litter box, and frequent cleaning (multiple times a day if needed). As for the food, I’m not sure what issue is there. I agree the food doesn’t smell great, but it’s only out for a few minutes so the smell doesn’t really linger. Do you leave yours out?

       1. I’d suggest a litter robot if it’s possible, ‘world’s best cat litter’ (it smells like popcorn vs. that horrible tidy pet smell), and the more expensive wet food which is less gross smelling compared to meow mix/9 lives.

    2. Get rid of the wet food as soon as the cat is done eating it. And throw it into an outside garbage can if possible. Don’t let it sit out or in an inside garbage can. Same for dirty litter. Scoop at least once a day or anytime you go by/in the room and see it has been used. Also, I’d replace the current box and litter so you are starting out fresh. Also, clean very well around that area and the area where the food is.

    3. I would not make drastic changes (like kind of litter or litter box) as that could backfire and make the cat start going outside of the box, especially if they are stressed by having a stranger in the house (you). I do think you will get used to all of this quickly, especially the food odor, but you could get a HEPA air purifier.

       1. My sister said that cats have an average need of 1.5 litter boxes. Maybe you could add another one (a Better one) and see if you can get them to change over time.

          1. 1 litter box for each cat + 1 extra is the standard recommendation and it certainly won’t hurt if you have room.

    4. Run an air filter, something with HEPA and charcoal.

       Grab a jar of “Fresh Wave” gel bead air freshener (yes it’s better than the cheaper options).

       Wet food shouldn’t be left sitting out for cats. They should be fed and then gobble it down and then the dish should be removed, so it’s not sitting out growing bacteria that can be bad for them.

       I personally think clay litter smells terrible even before it’s been used, but the cat may be used to whatever it it used to.

    5. Not sure how long you’re staying. Assuming it’s short-term:
       – Buy a few air fresheners in a scent or neutralizing non-scent. Candles, plug ins, air wicking, baking powder boxes, charcoal pads, etc. Take care as you would for any pet or small child with these items re: safety and toxicity.
       – Clean the litter box multiple times per day, like 4 times. Not immediately after poop. Replace the litter 100% and scrub the empty litter box if possible. Buy litter box liners (plastic) and extra litter. Change the litter regularly.
       – Wear a mask when you walk in the back door.
       – Ditto re removing food. Make meal time fast or feed the cat small portions more often.
       – Buy an inexpensive air purifier or one you will take home after.
       – Vacuum and sweep regularly. Bits of litter can linger on cats paws and be tracked around.

       Source: I have two cats and after taking measures, my very scent-sensitive mother (gets migraines in church due to perfume, hates scented anything) regularly remarks in shock that my house does not smell like animal. I have the litterbot and other automated tools but these are pricey if you’re only staying 1-2 weeks and your mom doesn’t normally mind / notice the smell.

       1. No plug ins or our fresheners, don’t try to cover the odor. Just makes it worse and will get in your clothes and stink like cheap chemicals.

          Fresh air and air purifiers.

          Steam mop to kill the bacteria works best.

    6. I forgot to add: if there’s any chance of a smell coming NOT from the box, black light + Kids n Pets or similar enzymatic cleanser.

16. Wait I loooove this shirt! I need more nice work shirts

    1. I want proper sleeves, not this cheap way of sewing that looks unflattering on me.

    2. Pretty but I stopped buying from Loft on principle. It’s just the lowest possible quality.

17. Friend vent/looking for advice. I have someone who has previously been a very close friend – she was a bridesmaid in my wedding, and we did a lot together in our 20s. As the friend group has gotten older, she has significantly pulled away bc everyone in our friend group is married and she is single. I totally get not wanting to hang out with married couples all the time, and this didn’t impact our relationship that much at first – we just did more girl’s nights. Then she went to grad school and almost completely went MIA and was only hanging out with grad school friends (ironically, many of them were coupled up?). We started hanging out more again after she graduated…and then I got pregnant. Since then, she has been completely absent from my life. I’ve had to reach out every time I wanted to see her, and pretty much haven’t seen or heard from her since a group of friends threw us a couples shower in January (apparently her response to our other friend asking her to co-host was “I thought Anon was due in May”). I very much got the vibe that she co-hosted out of obligation and not because she wanted to. My due date was yesterday and I still have heard nothing from her – she hasn’t checked in once. At this point do I just give up on the relationship? We used to be so close but to be honest I think she’s become an extremely self-centered person and a bad friend. But I’m still hurt because if she was going through a major life milestone I would 1000% be checking in. Anyway, I know I won’t have mental bandwidth to care about this very very shortly :) but in the meantime would be grateful for any perspective or advice.

    1. It’s OK to grieve this friendship some. Not just that it might be ending, but definitely that it’s changing. As a counterpoint, I’ve had several friends who I care about, but I really can’t keep people’s due dates in my head. Ideally, it’d be great for her to text and check in, but she’s not. It doesn’t mean you write her off. If you’re up to making specific plans with her as you await your new arrival, awesome. If not, be sure to include her in your announcement of your new little one. Friendships evolve; see what happens.

    2. Yes, you let it go. From the summary here she has been abundantly clear that she’s ready to let these relationships go. Maybe you’ve grown apart, or maybe it’s painful for her to see these milestones that she doesn’t have and she handles it by being aloof. From what you’ve written I wouldn’t judge her as a self-centered person (you know more obv) but she is being a bad friend, and I would let her go. People change, friendships fade, no one is necessarily the bad guy.

       (And as another POV, people repeatedly asking if the baby came is annoying! Maybe she doesn’t want to bother you as she’s clearly not a close friend anymore. But this relationship is causing you more pain than benefit).

    3. Yes, you should give up. She went her way and you went yours.

    4. Re this: My due date was yesterday and I still have heard nothing from her – she hasn’t checked in once.

       I would think I’d be intruding and self-centered by texting someone who might be birthing a baby. And then first babies often come later, so is she supposed to text you until you confirm with her that you’ve had it?

       People aren’t psychic. She is living your life. If you have a baby on the way imminently, surely you have something else you could be doing? It’s like the last minute of being free of the care of a little one and pls don’t spent it being salty about this. People be busy and I think you just need to redirect your energy on this to something else.

       1. I hated nothing more than people pinging me leading up to and past due date. I know of a lot of people who felt similarly. The friendship may be over, but I would not benchmark the friendship status against whether or not she pinged on your due date. Also, my BFF is currently pregnant and I cannot for the life of me recall her due date – early June?? I do think this is an unfair expectation of this (possibly former) friend.

    5. on the one hand she doesn’t seem as into the friendship as you, but she did co-host your shower. as someone who has had kids, checking in on the due date is… kind of not a thing? I think she can fairly assume you’ll tell her when you have the baby and that a checkin before that may only cause more stress in a busy time for you.
       I’d try to reset your expectations for friendship and accept what she’s offering if you want to.

    6. Not all friendships survive long term. Sometimes you got along great in a particular life stage based on what you had in common at the time.

       I’d sooner assume “grown apart” than throwing around terms like self centered and bad.

       1. +100000000000

          It sounds like she may have developed some other interests, which is okay! We all change over a lifetime. You can certainly grieve the friendship as it was. Hopefully you can accept it as it is now.

          Since you asked for advice, I will say that I think you’re being a bit petty with regard to the pregnancy. It is weird and drama-stoking in my opinion that the shower planner reported that response back to you. Also, it sounds like she DID cohost the shower, which is a very kind gesture. I don’t remember friends’ due dates and wouldn’t text them anyway because I’d assume they don’t want to talk about giving birth since probably so many people are asking. So, maybe a little reflection about why these things are bothering you along with the acceptance that the friendship is not the same as it was. Maybe it’s all a pattern of self centered behavior, or maybe it’s that pregnancy can be a weird time for everyone in the pregnant woman’s orbit.

    7. Question- have you done things to celebrate her achievements? It may not be intentional but it kind of comes across that you think she has not achieved any ‘life milestones’. Did you ask her about grad school? Celebrate her graduation? Her life is different than yours.

       1. Yes, we went on an international girls trip to celebrate her graduation with the specific dates that worked for her post-grad and pre-starting her new job.

       2. The fact that you complained about her not being excited enough about hosting your shower while not at all referencing a grad party that you hosted for her says a lot about why she is pulling back.

          1. Assuming you posted this before my comment above went through? I used a significant chunk of PTO (8 or 9 days) and spent a lot more money on flights than I normally would to book those specific dates. We also went all out for her 30th a few years ago because at that point everyone else had had a bachelorette and we wanted to do something special for her.

             1. Ok but did you co-host the trip? Or just go along for the ride?

    8. Friendships change and sometimes end, especially friendships where you aren’t regularly in someone’s orbit and are living different lives or have different priorities.
       I think it’s interesting that we often expect friendships from formative phases of our lives to endure forever, even if the phase is long over and we have changed as people. I’ve felt guilt over it, as though it’s a moral failing that a friendship faded away. It’s not. In high school (and again in college) my friend group shifted somewhat in just four years, when we were together in the same place every day; why should I expect that friendships from 10+ years ago will forever remain intact when we don’t see each other regularly and have different priorities?
       Due dates are easy to forget, even for someone you really care about. Additionally, your comment that you would check in if she had a milestone event is tricky for someone that is single and isn’t having kids— are you certain she hasn’t had milestone events that you may have missed?
       Treasure what you can, grieve a bit, and then move on when someone is clearly distancing themselves. Life is long and sometimes people come back later on!

    9. I think you could stand to be a little more generous (I would guess more people would be annoyed at “did you have the baby yet” texts than what you appear to be saying, making you the outlier here) but also, maybe the friendship has just run its course and that’s ok!

       PS your closing sentence really says it all – you’re admitting soon your life wont allow for you to check in with her. Says a lot.

    10. So she co-hosted your baby shower but didn’t send you a text on your due date, and for that you are going to cut her out of your life?

    11. You need to let her go. She’s clearly trying to step away kindly. She co-hosted a shower in two months ago and you’re mad that she mixed up May and March. That’s very main character energy. You’re one of many friends for her. She’s letting you know that she’s not a close friend. Just let it fade naturally. Friendships ebb and flow, maybe it will cycle around at some point in the future.

    12. I really hope none of my new mom friends thought I didn’t care about them because I didn’t text them on their due date. Pregnancy and childbirth are tricky issues, and unless you’re within someone’s very innermost circle it’s best to follow the pregnant person’s lead. I wouldn’t want to stress out my friend by contributing to a barrage of texts demanding baby updates. What if she’s having a hard day and wants to just not think about it? What if she’s already feeling frustrated and wants it to be over already and now everyone is all, well where’s the baby??? Same with friends who are going through IVF – even if I know when someone is having their egg retrieval I would never follow up to see how many were collected, fertilized, blasts, euploid, or whether she got a positive test yet post-transfer. These things are super personal and hard and if you’re the one going through it your feelings can change pretty dramatically day to day.

        In your shoes I think I’d give your friend some grace around baby stuff. Especially if she doesn’t know a lot of people with babies, she might not know what to say or how to be supportive.

    13. Thanks all for the input, I appreciate it. Clarifying two things: when I said my due date was yesterday and she hasn’t checked in at all, I meant since I last saw her in January (or ever, except for when I reached out to see her in person). I was definitely not sitting around waiting for a text on my due date! On the flip side, I’ve received texts from lots of friends and family members including people who I would not consider nearly as close saying they’re thinking of me or asking how I’m doing over the last couple of months. So I think it is the stark juxtaposition that stings a bit. The other clarification on the self-centered part is that there are many other examples of self-centered behavior over the past couple of years that couldn’t fit into one post, but it is a trend that not just I have noticed. I agree I need to let go and accept that the friendship has evolved/drifted. It just makes me sad because across all of my different friends we’ve historically had the most in common. As just one example, I don’t have any other close friends who work in corporate (other friends are all in helping professions or work for nonprofits). But it is what it is.

    14. Long view here. Your 30s are a time period when everyone gets a little tribal – marrieds and parents hang out, singletons hang out, you have less in common every day. There’s no reason to give up or cut her out of your life, just understand that this season will be different for your friendship. One of the best parts of your 40s and 50s is getting those old friends back as kids grow up and people aren’t as sensitive about their marital or child status anymore. It’s wonderful reconnecting with people who knew you when. It’s just not going to be for a while.

        1. Thank you, this is excellent advice.

        2. +1 to take the long view. For whatever reason, she’s less into hanging out with you right now. You don’t know if she’s going through something difficult that she hasn’t shared with you. Life is better when you give grace to others, especially close friends.

           I get it–I get frustrated when I’m always the one reaching out. But, I’m not so overwhelmed with people whose company I super enjoy that I want to cut people off for not reaching out. I just reach out on whatever schedule makes me feel like I’m not intruding and won’t make me resentful. It’s worth it to maintain friendships I value.

           I would pause on reaching out until you can do so without feeling resentful or that she’s doing something wrong by not reaching out to you.

    15. “I think she’s become an extremely self-centered person and a bad friend” – I think she could definitely say the same about you in this scenario

        1. Please see my clarifications above. I clearly did not word the phrasing around my due date well! What I meant was that it’s been a full 9 months and she has not once proactively asked how I’m doing.

           1. She co-hosted a baby shower which feels like a lot more than a ‘how are you doing’ text. She could have declined to host and did not. Her life doesn’t revolve around your pregnancy.

           2. This does not change my comment or impression of you.

        2. Agreed.

    16. @Anonymous at 2:32: I’m confused about how co-hosting an international trip is remotely comparable to co-hosting a baby shower. When I say she co-hosted the shower, it was with a group of people. It wasn’t at her house. She brought coffee and store-bought pastries and asked me for a guest list. Am I grateful she was still involved? Yes! But I feel like people are thinking she took on a bunch of effort and co-hosting was this grand gesture – it would have been extremely weird of her not to be involved because of our friend group dynamics. If you’re trying to compare (which to be clear, I am not, but since you’re asking) the way she wanted to celebrate was to have friends to travel with. So that’s how we celebrated with her. It involved infinitely more time, money, and planning. Which doesn’t really feel relevant to this conversation, but I’m frustrated that people are assuming I haven’t celebrated her when I have very much gone out of my way to do so.

        1. I understand your frustration. By way of explanation, I think people are assuming that because it’s the vastly more common situation that single women without children in their 30s don’t get trips and showers and celebrations that are comparable to wedding and baby parties. Since the post focused on your pregnancy milestones, people (me included) figured it was yet another situation where milestones aren’t celebrated when they’re not for marriage or babies.

           Given your additional information, I understand even more why you’re grieving the relationship. I do think unfortunately the two of you have drifted apart, but I still don’t think it necessarily means anything bad about anyone in the situation. As the others have recommended, I second the plan that you be there for her in whatever capacity feels best for you and hope the bond strengthens again at some point.

           1. Thank you, that makes sense. She and I have had conversations about that trend and how much it sucks for single women so I’ve tried hard to be really mindful of that. I’m grateful for you taking the time to share a kind response.

              1. It sounds like you’ve been a good friend! Hang in there.

    17. Around my due date I was thinking about giving birth and preparing myself and my home for a newborn. I was not pitting my friends against each other in some sort of ridiculous friend contest. You’re calling friend self-centered because she hasn’t checked in on you in two months? Gently, you are focusing on the wrong things right now.

18. I have a weird skin issue (maybe?). My neck and the area immediately under it on my chest (so the area that shows in a v-neck basically) is always red/flushed. It gets worse occasionally, especially in the lines of Venus–they get bright, dark red and stay that way–mostly after the shower or end of day.
    I’m in my mid-40s and it’s been this way for about a year, maybe more. It got really bad in the depths of winter, and I was using body butter on it which helped a bit–but it doesn’t feel like “dryness” is the core reason for the flush.
    Haven’t dramatically changed diet, have been 100% sober for 6+ years (it’s not alcohol related in other words). Don’t use any recreational drugs, this predates any prescriptions, etc.
    I don’t really use cleanser or moisturizer on that area, don’t spray perfume, but it just always seems irritated.
    It’s very localized. While other areas may be slightly flushed from a hot shower or friction from rubbing on lotion or whatever, this just stays.
    Anti-itch cream OTC calms it slightly but not much.
    Many things burn or sting when applied at first.
    Any ideas? Is this some allergy that’s ultra-localized? Aging? Some reaction? A low grade infection of some kind?

    1. Time to see the dermatologist!

       1. +1

       2. I agree, but they seem to always say the same thing: “this is normal/it’s friction/it’s nothing” which is very, very irritating to spend hundreds of dollars to get blown off.

    2. What kind of detergents do you use? Maybe try and change for some unscented, allergy-friendly ones for a while.

       I have no idea where the “lines of Venus” are on a body – and google couldn’t help in any meaningful way, so is unsure where your itchy place is, but try changing detergents for sure. And if this is a place that gets exposed to outerwear more than other skin – any chance your coat could have some colour toxins (google air stewardess and toxic uniform)?

    3. Sorry me one posted for you on the afternoon thread

    4. Someone posted for you on the afternoon thread

19. Does anyone have a miracle leave in conditioner detangler to recommend? My 8 year old has thick, straight hair, that tangles like crazy. The detangling spray we used when she was smaller is not cutting it anymore now that her hair is so thick. We got a small trim but she really REALLY doesn’t want to cut her hair any shorter, so I’m a bit lost. Google is giving me tons of options, no idea where to start.

    1. Skinny Serum has worked for us. From Paul Mitchell I think.

    2. Try a better conditioner and one of those wide tooth combs for the shower.

    3. Are you sure it’s actually straight? Maybe its wavy hair that needs more of a curl treatment approach?

    4. I use a bottle of It’s a 10 Miracle Leave In that I randomly got a long time ago for free from Ulta. It works for my daughter and seems to last forever.

    5. Just in case you haven’t tried this… I learned the trick about brushing “bottom up” (as in, brushing out tangles from the last few inches of hair first, then the next few inches, so on until you get to the scalp) when I had mid-back-length thick hair at that age.

    6. The Shea Moisture leave-in conditioner with coconut works well for my daughter’s hair. Definitely use it on wet or damp hair, not dry, though, or it will feel greasy and gross. Paul Mitchell Skinny Serum after washing also keeps it from tangling up as much.

    7. When I was her age in the late 1970s, my mom bought a spray leave-in product made by KMS. I don’t recall what is was called, but it was great.

    8. I don’t know if it will be enough for your daughter, but my thick haired girls with long hair (including the one with 2A waves) ages 5, 8 and 11 use Aussie’s 3 minute miracle deep conditioner, as well as the leave in conditioner and detangler. I have 3 girls and bills to pay so we don’t stray from drugstore shampoo :).

       They will often wash it at night then either braid or do a low pony which cuts down on the morning brushing. The one with the wavy hair is also the youngest and least diligent about pre-bed styling, so she wakes up with what we refer to as the “crazy llama hair” in the morning that we have to spray and comb and wrestle into some kind of headband or clip. When she gets off the bus at the end of the day she looks like she’s been in a tornado.

    9. Thank you all for the suggestions! I will try one or more of these. We already put it in a braid at night, but she wants to wear it loose to school and comes home looking like a disaster.

       It’s 100% straight, I have the exact same hair. I was not permitted to wear it in anything other than a braid until middle school, which is also when I discovered conditioner.

       1. Comb it out in the shower while the conditioner is in it. Brush is well at night, divide into section and do once section at a time starting half way down the length. Half up is a style that can give her the ‘hair down’ feeling without the same amount of tangling. Do hair down on wash days and half up or a pony or a braid on other days.

    10. Aussie 3 minute miracle conditioner and Olaplex No. 9 serum are the answer here. I used to use It’s a 10 Leave-in Conditioner for years, but it started weighing my hair down and leaving buildup. The Olaplex is worth it, as it’s also a heat protectant, detangler, leave-in conditioner. Try just a half pump (pea size), rub between palms, then finger comb through towel-dried hair (squeeze your hair dry with towel, don’t rub). Then you can let it air dry or blowdry – either result in silky, shiny, smooth hair!

    11. Its a 10 spray. A little pricey but I swear by it

20. Has anyone ever had a winged scapula? Did PT resolve it?

21. Having decision fatigue and would love stranger input. I need a new lightweight tote for work and think I am just going to get the large Le Pliage and call it a day, but having a hard time choosing a color. Torn between black with black straps and silver hardware and a color called “paper” which seems more of a pinky beige, traditional brown strap and gold hardware. I guess black is more for cold weather and the “paper” is better for spring, but just wondering if black will be more useful long term overall. Other suggestions welcome too. This is taking an unreasonably long time for me to decide!

    1. I vote for getting the “paper” color now, and if you like it, get a black one for fall/winter. The only downside is see to the light-colored one is whether it will show dirt or not.

    2. I vote for paper. The nylon cleans up well if you get something on it – I use a washcloth and Dawn to spot-treat.

    3. I think you can’t go wrong with either. I know they are no longer trendy, but I still love my le pliage — it’s my most used work bag (I don’t carry a laptop).

    4. More money and not what you asked, but check out the “cuir” version of le pliage. It is extremely lightweight and the leather seems quite thin, yet mine is still going strong and looks fabulous.

    5. Paper.

22. If I had to get one pair of sneakers for spring, would you go for more of a “court” style or vintage classic (like a New Balance 574)? Also heavily debating between white and a more softened off-white/straw/beige/whatever. Sometimes bright white feels really stark to me, but maybe it’s more versatile.

    1. The two sneakers I wear the most are New Balance 574s and Adidas courtsets so I don’t think you can go wrong with either :)
       I never buy white sneakers because they get dirty so quickly.

    2. if you’re planning on wearing with clothes out and about (as opposed to for sight seeing or with gym clothes for walking or exercise) I think a court sneaker is more streamlined and (i know this term is out) flattering.

       1. Hopefully I am still allowed to be sensitive about my large feet. Because my feet are huge and big white sneakers make me feel like I have a giant neon sign pointing at my feet saying “look how disproportionately huge this woman’s feet are”! (Even though I know rationally that nobody is actually thinking that.)

          But then I do not agree that flattering always means thin. Yellow does not flatter me because it makes me look like I am dying of jaundice. My knees are unattractive. Weight and body size has nothing to do with it.

          OP – Personally I would go with a light colored but not stark white court shoe unless you need the added support of an athletic shoe.

          1. i have big feet too and i am the one who hedged on flattering. I find with a boot cut or bell pant i can wear a bigger shoe but with shorter cropped pants (even if full) i like a more streamlined shoe. in the early 2000s i wore flare jeans with sneakers like those new balance and i thought it was ok from a foot balancing perspective.

       2. You are allowed to say flattering on a fashion blog!

    3. I’d go with a slimmer court style one but YMMV depending on whether your vibe is more trend-forward. If I wore the NB 574s around I wouldn’t look “current”, it would look like I’m still wearing my college sneakers from 2002.

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