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This fun leather belt from Ada caught my eye — I love all the colors it comes in!
I always think these are the perfect kinds of belts for wearing with dresses because you don't need belt loops to tuck the belt down. For example, I think this burgundy red one would be a great way to add some shape to a light blue shirt dress.
The belt comes in 15+ colors for $95; there is a skinnier version as well for $69 if this one is too thick for you.
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Anon
How do you deal when you feel beaten down by life? Seeking any and all coping mechanisms.
Anon
Identify the main stressors and remove them. For me, a recent stressor is dealing with hostile, perseverating emails accusing me of theft from a relative with dementia. I usually never delete emails from family, but I found it dramatically reduced my stress when I gave myself full permission to not engage, delete, and focus on other things.
Anon
Weeding a flowerbed, deep cleaning something gross, doing a really sweaty workout. Basically something that requires elbow grease without finesse, where I can take a nice long shower afterword and feel like I accomplished something.
Anon
+1 – physical effort, ideally done outside.
Anon
Totally depends on what area(s) of your live is beating you down. Can you escape for a short vacation or eliminate certain problems? Otherwise, whatever self care is for you, a great meal with a glass (or bottle) of wine, a workout class, warm bath and a good book, massage, or a venting session with a trusted friend or therapist. Also, internet hugs! I’ve been there and I know how hard it is! I hope things improve for you!
Anonymous
I’ve been going through this lately. Over the years when this happened I’ve always done best to remind myself who you are. Reconnect with something I used to love (knitting, swimming, writing). But I don’t always recognize that person anymore (despite Didion’s advice to stay on nodding terms with former versions of yourself). What’s working for me lately is a new hobby to dive deep on (growing flowers). I’ve also tried to turn on the journal prompts from my iPhone.
Ses
Antidepressants, honestly. I was just having an awful winter last year and after months of trying to exercise and walk outside and avoid conflict and all the other coping mechanisms to bootstrap myself out of it, I broke down in tears at my doctors office and she handed me an Rx.
After a few weeks of adjusting to it, the clouds started to lift.
I owe it to the ladies here that I went to see my doctor in the first place. So many people have shared on here that medication helped them dig out of a hole, and now I’m one of them.
Good luck to you. Been there and it sucks.
Anon
I generally think of it in a few different ways.
Just as an example let’s say I have a really stressful work task.
1. Can I remove the stressor? Eg can I delegate to someone else
2. Can I reframe the way I think about the stressors? Eg instead of telling myself this task is so painful I can think it is a great learning opportunity
3. I try to do things in my life to activate the parasympathetic nervous symptoms/increase resilience. Eg meditate; yoga, regular meals, good sleep, time to do fun things .
anonshmanon
No news or social media. When you open a screen, it’s to escape into a peaceful book or tv show. You have to put your own oxygen mask on. There will be a time when you’ll have capacity again to care about the greater world.
Anon
+1 this is the way
I recently loved No Hard Feelings and the Lovebirds on Netflix. And romance novels are great! I recommend Abby Jimenez, starting with Part of Your World.
Anonymous
I try to remind myself of past adversities I’ve made it through. I try to think about what I can’t change so I’m not blaming myself needlessly. And remind myself of where I will have some control at some point. I also try to think months or years out or realize I’m choosing not to do or respond in X way. This reminder of agency helps. Basically like giving yourself a pep talk and reminding yourself that eventually whatever is happening will get different one way or another by me or time. I also remind myself I’m swimming in my own lane—comparison is often a thief of joy as they say.
Anonymous
I got a cat
Anon
+1000000000 to getting a cat
Anon
All great thoughts here. My one addition is try to make things small — what I mean is try to pare things down to what needs to happen, moment to moment, and put aside the bigger things for a bit. Simplify your day for a while.
OP#2
TW: pregnancy loss
I have a cousin who lost her late-term pregnancy under devastating circumstances earlier this year. We are not super close (in touch by text a few times a year), but she is one of those cherished cousins from childhood that I always hope to maintain a relationship with even though we live in separate states and don’t see each other in person that often. After the pregnancy loss I reached out with whatever support I could offer, sent a care package, made a donation to a relevant non-profit, etc. She has always acknowledged or responded to my support positively. Recently her sibling gave birth to a healthy baby and I’m feeling like I want to text her some supportive words given how bittersweet she might be feeling. I am wondering, for this event but also going forward – do I keep reaching out? I haven’t had a conversation with her to understand how well she is coping. Is reaching out always a good thing or should I try to better understand how she is doing before doing that? I don’t want to keep popping back into her life and reminding her of the worst thing that’s happened to her, but I also want to tell her I am here for her if she needs it.
anon
This is the time for pebbling (like a penguin) memes or instagram reels. Just send her some stuff that will make her laugh.
Senior Attorney
+1 and do it regularly, not only when you think she’s feeling bad
Anon
Unless you know for absolute certain that she would appreciate that message, I would not do it. As someone who has been through pregnancy loss, the last thing I wanted was anyone’s pity when someone else in my life had a successful pregnancy. It literally made me feel way worse when people expected me to be a mess and not be happy for my own friends and family. I feel the same when people treat me like a time bomb on Mother’s Day because my own mother died. You can still reach out and be in touch, but avoid any sad-eye “how are you doing?” until you know more about how SHE is feeling.
Anon
+1000000000000
Anonymous
100% agree!! Do not do this.
Anon
+ ten million.
Anon
Maybe see if she’d like to schedule a FaceTime with you. Not to specifically talk about her loss or difficulties, but as you said, she is a cherished childhood cousin who you want to keep a relationship with but aren’t able to see often. I’d put it that way and let the conversation flow wherever she takes it.
Anon
I would be very careful to make sure you are reaching out about maintaining or refreshing your relationship, not about getting her to rehash her trauma with you, and not to dump your perceptions about her trauma back on her.
anon
“I haven’t had a conversation with her to understand how well she is coping.” I feel like you have to have this context before you respond with anything tbh.
Here’s some anecdata: my sister lost a baby at 24 weeks and she just shut it out and moved on with life, for lack of a better way of saying it. We’re very close and she doesn’t talk about. Not the most healthy processing in my opinion, but that’s not my opinion to offer her tbh. She’s always been a little stoic (she’s a critical care nurse practitioner and I think that definitely plays in to it) and I know she’s dealing with it exactly as she is capable of. She would have not enjoyed any outreach.
I, on the other hand, had an ectopic for an IVF baby which was my first positive preg test after 4 years of trying. I would have really appreciated outreach and being remembered if my sibling gave birth relatively shortly after a totally devastating and traumatic loss.
I think that because she’s responded positively to other outreaches you MAY be able to say something, but given my own personal experiences, it’s not something I would do. You never know – this baby may be bringing her a whole lot of joy, despite her own painful loss. For me, it was way, way harder to learn my siblings and friends were pregnant than it was for me to actually celebrate and hold the new babies upon their arrival.
OP#2
Thank you all for these very helpful comments so far! I really appreciate you sharing your perspectives.
Anon
I had a late pregnancy loss. By far the best thing for me was my friend who called once a day (you could text) and simply said, “Thinking of you — hope today is okay. No need to call back.” She never expected me to do anything in response at all.
Horse Crazy
What’s your favorite summer green/veggie side that isn’t a green salad? I’m tired of salads, but my other go-to is roasted veggies, and it’s too hot to turn on the oven. Anything is on the table except mushrooms.
Anon
If its too hot to use the oven, air fry or grill veggies!
I also love a salad of tomatoes, red onion, cucumber, feta, and balsamic vinegar. Sometimes I add in chickpeas or avocado too.
Anonymous
Zucchini! I either air fry or grill.
Anon
Homemade brocolli salad so I can control the gloopiness factor. Smitten Kitchen’s recipe is great but even then I only use about 3/4 of the dressing at most.
Anon
We often do a simple sliced Persian cucumber and radish salad with olive oil and balsamic. So quick and easy.
Senior Attorney
We often do a simple sliced Persian cucumber and radish salad with olive oil and balsamic. So quick and easy.
Senior Attorney
What? That was weird. Anyway I meant to say try thinly sliced cucumbers with rice vinegar and a sprinkling of sesame seeds.
Anon
Elote, salsa, gazpacho, sweet corn salad, guac, hummus & veggies, cowboy caviar.
Anon
Grilled zucchini with a mint/ginger/yogurt sauce
Zucchini and corn fritters
Eggplant in any form
Marinated green beans
Peas tossed in a salad
Gremolata on anything
Flatbread warmed in the oven and topped with cheese and arugula
Anonymous
Cucumber mint salad! Super cool and refreshing. Just google and a million recipes will come up.
Anon
I’m making this salad twice a week right now: https://www.gimmesomeoven.com/cucumber-quinoa-salad-recipe/. It has no right to be as good as it is.
Anonymous
This is basically what I am making for dinners this week. With some shrimp. I am also adding some Jimmy Nardello peppers because I have them and cannot waste them.
Runcible Spoon
1) peeled English cucumber sliced into discs and used as “chips” for hummus, white bean dip, or smoked trout dip;
2) zucchini fritters made with chickpea flour (look it up online);
3) grape/cherry tomatoes, fresh mozzarella balls (or chopped fresh mozzarella or burrata) with fresh basil, olive oil, vinegar, salt and pepper;
4) “European”-style potato salad made with cooked mixed vegetables (frozen carrots, peas, green beans, corn), and optional canned tuna, chopped hard boiled eggs, and diced canned beets, with lots of dill and Greek yogurt (plus a dollop of mayonnaise for taste)
5) corn on the cob!;
6) asparagus cooked in the microwave for about 4 minutes, then topped with a squeeze of lemon, olive oil, and parmesan cheese.
Anonymous
Steamed/sauteed Bok choy
Sugar snap peas
Zucchini
cucumber tomato salad
Grilled okra
Annony
I really gomae (a Japanese spinach dish)
Anan
Lately I’ve been making shaved zucchini salad. Using a peeler, shave zucchini into ribbons, dress with salt, pepper, olive oil, lemon, red wine vinegar. Sprinkle with mint, walnuts, parmesan cheese:
Anon
What level care is it if a parent needs not to do housework and needs meals cooked for them but is otherwise self-sufficient (can do bathing, dressing, toileting)?
Assisted living seems to be much more than that. Just a 55+ setup is too little. What is the phrasing that captures this?
Anon
This varies depending on the assisted living facility. What you just described is what my aunt in assisted living has (with a few differences – she also has medication management as part of her care plan). You are probably looking at “level 1” or similar assisted living.
Anon
A retirement community with 3 levels of care. Typically the first level is you live in your own apartment and get 1-2 meals a day provided by the facility. Obviously being in a facility, there is no maintenance needed and you can usually hire cleaning services through the facility. Then, if needed, you progress to assisted living and medical care.
Marie
You’re looking for an “independent living” apartment in a living complex where there is a central dining option and housekeeping is provided.
Anon
Home care services?
Anon
Independent living, but in a retirement home setting that offers a la carte services (like housecleaning and a dining hall)? In-home elder care for a few hours a week?
Anon
My parents live independently and have a cleaning service and don’t cook (they eat delivery food, ready to heat meals from the grocery store and come to our house for dinner a few times a week). So depending on circumstances you may not need a facility at all.
Sunshine
This was what my grandmothers did until they each died at home in their mid-90s. They were physically healthy and could live alone, but cleaning and cooking were either beyond their capabilities or beyond their interests as they got older.
Anon
Yeah for my parents it’s more about interest than capability. They cut way back on cooking fully homemade meals when I left home, and at this point have pretty much just given up on it completely. They have plenty of money so they’re content to eat a lot of restaurant food and supplement with things from the grocery store that don’t require cooking or things you just stick in the oven or microwave.
Cat
Step care facility where you start with independent living?
Anecdata
“Independent living, with a dining hall and housekeeping services”. IME places that offer both Independent Living and Assisted Living are more likely to have this mix
anon
Independent living. However, IL have stand-alone communities and also continuing care communities, meaning they have an IL wing, an AL wing and also MC (memory care) wing. The idea of the latter being is “you only have to move mom once”, meaning one new community and they can age in place. As acuity increases they may have to move within the building to a different wing, but you don’t have to necessarily move facilities. The cost of each increases as you go up the service and acuity scale.
anon
This is my MIL, who is 75. She hired a housekeeper and does a lot of Door Dash or premade stuff from the grocery store. Her diet has never been wonderful, so while not ideal, it’s nothing worse than what she was doing before.
Arguably, she should probably be in some sort of retirement community because her mobility isn’t outstanding. But it’s her life, her choices, and she’s completely with it mentally, so it’s hard to make that case.
Anonymous
This is assisted living.
Senior Attorney
Agree with this. When my parents went to assisted living, what OP describes was pretty much what they had. And in fact we had to pay extra for the housekeeping.
nuqotw
Yup. This is about the level of care my grandma needed was when she entered assisted living. Another thing to consider is what the next 1/5/10/20 years are going to look like. It was much better for her to enter assisted living so that the her later transition to the memory unit was smoother.
Anon
I mean, this is me? And I’m in my 40s? I hire a house cleaner, door dash and manage. I don’t think you need assisted living if that’s all you’re talking about.
Anon
I get it but a lot is where a person lives, especially if there are stairs. In a flat-style apartment, your responsibility is writing a check that doesn’t bounce. A house can be a handful to a death trap for an older person who tries to save a dollar and do something like clean the gutters or shovel the snow.
Anon
Hahaha same, I’m reading these responses and kind of laughing because this is also me and I’m 39! I don’t think independent living in a retirement home would be a bad thing if they’re 55+ and have grown kids though. It would probably be a great social network and more intellectually and socially stimulating than living alone. But yeah someone does not need to move into assisted living just because they don’t want to cook or clean.
Anonymous
If they manage most activities of daily living, you can also think about your area agency on aging. Some have lists of hourly helpers who come and assist seniors/provide respite care. And second to the housekeeping and meal delivery services. That’s what we’re doing and you can get any of the national meal kit ones delivered weekly with prepared meals or ready to heat.
40th birthday trip
Ideas for a 40th birthday trip with my BFF? I originally wanted to do a learn to surf week somewhere but I also want to give my BFF some other options- maybe a nice spa? I’m flying from DC and she is flying from Palm Beach. We both have small kids so it’s possible we can only manage a weekend. But still open to any and all suggestions!
AnoNL
I did a food tour (spread over 3 hours) and theatre in the evening with a friend of mine in a new-to-us city. Basically things she loves but doesn’t do due to kids & lack of options where she lives. We both enjoyed it.
Anonymous
No suggestions, but for my 50th birthday in a few years I want to do a women’s surf retreat in Costa Rica, either solo or with my daughter.
Sunshine
I love Palm Beach. If you can get a direct flight there, what about getting a hotel on the island for a long weekend together? There are amazing hotels that have to have great spas, and you also could have some snorkle or paddleboarding options. Alternatively, how about the keys?
Anonymous
Belize, either Placencia or Ambergris Caye
Anon
What time of year? Charleston is great if you like food, but I wouldn’t go in the summer months.
Senior Attorney
If it were me I’d do NYC and see some shows and do some museums and shopping.
anon
Lately, I have been low-level irritated all the time. I realize this is how my anxiety is manifesting, and I don’t like it. I’m already on an SSRI. How do I snap out of it and stop getting annoyed by every little thing happening at work and at home? Part of my issue is that I truly feel overwhelmed by the amount of stuff on my plate, and most of it is stuff that can’t be outsourced. So everything new that comes up feels like a catastrophe.
My partner is pulling his weight; we just have a lot on our collective plates right now. But it’s not going anywhere, so I need to figure out a better way of coping. And I am begging you, please don’t tell me to meditate!
Anonymous
exercise. get stuff off your plates. simplify.
Runcible Spoon
Would putting everything on a running list and then checking things off as you do them help? This is a variation on the break down a huge and overwhelming long-term project into smaller, do-able components. Maybe try to squeeze in a short walk every day? Hugs!
Anonymous
Exercise and lower standards, at least temporarily
Anon
Is there any stuff that can be put off or outsourced, even if you or your partner don’t like the idea of doing this type of triage?
For me, housecleaning and chores feel like huge, looming obligations that cannot be ignored. And while things might get dirtier than I prefer if I don’t mop for a month, that’s a reversible situation that I can fix once I do have more time and energy available. Putting off some tasks and lowering my standards eases the pressure.
Anecdata
I know this is “one more thing on your plate” but worth scheduling a check-in with your PCP and telling them this as well – anxiety and irritability can be SSRI side effects, and they might be able to suggest med tweaks
anon
+1
With some SSRIs, you become more anxious/irritable until the mood stabilizing effects kick in.
Dawn
Also, could it be perimenopause? If so, trying a different birth control might help with hormonal irritation…
anon
I suspect perimenopause could be playing into this.
NaoNao
I saw on TT this method of really being strict and blocking off time and not letting the blocks “bleed” into one another. For example, set aside 15 minutes to handle paperwork and don’t check the phone or pop up to do something else at that time. Block out an hour for tv or scrolling and really focus and enjoy it. Block out an hour for chores, and just do them one by one, rather than flitting back and forth and half doing them (something I myself am very guilty of!).
Also, this is cheesy (and maybe too close to meditation?) but I bought the 5 minute journal online and the days when I fill out the gratitude section it really does help, I promise. Also flipping through it and reading my little notes and gratitude reminds me of how much I have to be thankful for. (I knowwww so cheesy!)
Anonymous
VP pick coming tomorrow! Who are you hoping for? In an ideal world it’d be Pete, but probably won’t in this world. I kind of like Walz but everyone seems good, although I don’t think Shapiro is going to help her.
Runcible Spoon
I predict Mark Kelly, but I guess we’ll soon find out!
Senior Attorney
I am hoping for Kelly.
Anon
Hoping for somebody midwestern and well vetted not to have a lot of scandals and bad press.
Anon
It’s down to Walz and Shapiro according to reports. I want Walz – he’s a superstar and has that folksy charm. Shapiro’s past comments about Palestinians are divisive and we’ve finally won back so many progressives we lost over that issue.
Anon
I was not initially on board with Shapiro, but I didn’t realize how much in jeopardy PA is. Apparently it’s the tipping point state in most forecasts — to the right of both Wisconsin and Michigan, which is surprising to me. And Shapiro outperformed Biden in his election by a much larger margin than Walz (although some of that can be chalked up to a nutty opponent) so now I think Shapiro would be a good pick. If she wins PA, I don’t really see how she loses the electoral college.
Anon
When was the last time a running mate helped win a swing state?
Anon
They haven’t recently, but they also haven’t had much opportunity to help. Obama won PA easily without Biden. Trump would have won Indiana without Mike Pence. Biden would have won CA without Kamala. It’s been a long time since we had a running mate from a true swing state in a very close election.
Anon
I’m fine with Kelly or Shapiro. Shapiro’s stance on Israel is the same as the mainstream Dem position and he only takes extra heat for being Jewish. I’m fine not catering to the anti-Semites on the left.
Anon
He’s had some pretty vitriolic soundbytes about Palestinians. One was an article he wrote in his twenties, so I am totally willing to believe he’s learned and grown, but unfortunately it’s a liability. I don’t think it’s anti-semitism, just that other Dems haven’t made comments maligning Palestinian people in quite the same way he has (even if they all have the same stance).
Anon
Can you point to some exact quotes?
Anon
“Using history as precedent, peace between Arabs and Israelis is virtually impossible and will never come. Palestinians will not coexist peacefully,” Shapiro wrote. “They do not have the capabilities to establish their own homeland and make it successful even with the aid of Israel and the United States. They are too battle-minded to be able to establish a peaceful homeland of their own.”
Basically implying that even with Israeli and U.S. support, Palestinians are too incompetent and too intrinsically violent to self-govern. This quote is from an article he wrote in his twenties, and his stance is different now, but he has other more recent quotes that people have found offensive as well.
I don’t know if he would actually be polarizing or lose any votes, but I feel like Walz has less baggage.
Anonymous
Google it. Posting a link will just subject the poster to critique of their choice of source.
Anon
It’s not phrasing I would have used, but for a paper written so long ago and on a subject that is very divisive and heated, it also doesn’t jump out to me as something unforgivable. I respect others who may disagree, though.
Anon
Shapiro was 20 years old when he wrote that. His positions on Israel and Palestine are in line with the other potential VP candidates and probably less friendly to the current government of Israel than Walz (who was way older than 20 when he got his DUI). And frankly I suspect that the people who hold it against him are either not going to vote or will vote for Trump (who would give Israel carpet bombs if they asked for them but apparently that does not matter).
I think either of them would be a good candidate but let’s not pretend either comes without baggage.
Anon
I’m glad I’m not the only one bothered by Walz’s DUI. He seems like a nice guy, but driving drunk is a big f-ing deal to me, and he wasn’t slightly tipsy, .13 is pretty hammered. Someone could have been killed. Virtually every college kid writes dumb things they regret later; most people don’t drive drunk.
Anonymous
Well, for many, Shapiro takes extra heat for his comments, not his religion. But I’d still vote for him even though I am disappointed by his offensively dismissive statements.
Anon
Yeah, his comments about the issue have been more inflammatory than other Dems, which is why people worry he’d be divisive. It’s more about what he’s said than his religion.
I’m Jewish and I’m tired of people calling anyone with legitimate concerns about anti-Palestinian prejudice or Israeli occupation anti-semitic. If they say something anti-semitic or problematic, then absolutely. But just saying we believe Palestinians deserve human rights? No, kindly don’t exploit the very real issue of anti-semitism to malign people with valid points. There’s so much actual anti-semitism in the US and most of it isn’t coming from people who want a ceasefire.
Anon
I really really want Pete. He is such a good debater, crazy smart, and has name recognition. I want to see him debate JD Vance.
Seventh Sister
While I suspect she’ll pick a straight guy, I think Pete’s terrific and his sweet, funny husband is exactly the kind of Second Gentleman that America needs right now. And they have preschool twins!
Anon
I think he’s smarmy and arrogant. And the only election he’s ever won, only about 10,000 people voted for him. I got nearly as many votes in a local election I won and my city is a third the size of South Bend. I think that says bad things about his electability (and the voter turnout of South Bend).
Anonymous
Agree.
Anon
Also agree.
smurf
I’m hoping for Walz. In addition to his actual resume & experience in MN, I think his media/social media appeal is actually hugely beneficial. Getting gen z out to vote is so important & I think he can do it.
Anonymous
I think Kelly is by far the most qualified to actually do the job. I think the idea of picking a VP nominee just to win over one particular swing state will backfire.
Anon
Kelly or Walz. I think the Shapiro thing is sort of a toss up, potentially hurting with progressives but helping with moderates, but I’d mostly just like to see someone who’s not from a coastal state and has actually done something outside of politics. Shapiro and Harris are too similar in their resumes and I want someone who can appeal to a different kind of person. I think that’s more likely to make a difference across the board than just maybe helping in one state. And as a Minnesotan, I think Walz is great and will appeal to most of the Midwestern swing states, even if MN hopefully isn’t close.
Anonymous
I would want Walz if it’s between him and Shapiro. I get the PA thought, but we need not only Dems but non-voters to want to show up to vote. I think Walz captures a segment of the population that Harris doesn’t.
cc
I feel so sick to my stomach over this- just need to get it out. I worked for a federal agency for 4 years and was on IBR. I switched to a job that I thought would also qualify for IBR, but was told by the department of education it did not qualify. I stayed on IBR and raised the issue a few times but was told it was not qualifying. 5 years later in 2021 I finally refinanced by loans- I was being killed by the 7.5 interest rate, so I refinanced with SoFi as I have no plans on leaving my current job. refinanced it another 15 years at a manageable (but very large) monthly payment. Today I still have 245k left in student loans, after paying for 10 years, because the amount skyrocketed during the IBR period. Now, my employer (same one) is showing as eligible for PSLF. I just could sob. that couldve completely changed my life. I had no idea or indication that they would ever reconsider the employer eligibility at the time. the consequences for this decision I made will impact me and my family and my child for decades- its such a large sum of money. I just feel so sick and stupid.
Anon
Is it your current employer or previous employer that is now eligible for PSLF? If it’s the previous employer, can you return to them and stay for 10 years to get your loans forgiven.
This isn’t your fault and there’s no way you could have ever known. It also isn’t the end. There are many options available for paying off the loans, even if it includes being very frugal in the short-term and/or finding a higher paying job. You can also find a different job that qualifies for PSLF. There are many paths for taking care of this and beating yourself up won’t make it easier. Take a walk, take care of yourself until your distress is lower, and then sit down and gameplan how to tackle this. Look up stories of other people who’ve successfully paid off six figure debts and how they did it.
Anonymous
but she can’t do that if she refinanced with SoFi, right?
cc
That’s my understanding and why I feel so sick. I still have 13 years and 245k left. If I had not refinanced, I would be getting that forgiven. At the time the decision made sense but now I have ended up with the worst of both worlds – on ibr with huge interest for 7 years where the amount I owed skyrocketed, and now I have to pay down that full amount even though I should’ve been eligible forgiveness.
OOO
Have you called FSA to see what your options are? They are erasing student debt in a lot of creative ways – counting months that loan payments were suspended during the pandemic towards your PSLF, reviewing past payments that were previously ineligible for PSLF and making them eligible, etc. I received PSLF last year despite making my own stupid mistakes. I wouldn’t lose hope yet. If you don’t get anywhere with FSA, then write your congressperson.
Anon
I get the sense FSA is a lot like healthcare. If you keep bugging them, escalating things up the chain, and keep records/call logs then you can start to get somewhere. Make yourself a pest, the worst they can do is say no and you won’t have lost anything by trying.
Anonymous
Even if they no longer hold the loan??
AIMS
If your current employer qualifies for PSLF I would enroll into that now. I think you can call the Dept of Education and consolidate again thru them to do it. I don’t think that’s the same as IBR but if you were enrolled in PSLF before, you should still get credit for that time.
Also, this is very frustrating but don’t despair. If you re-enroll now you could still be done within 10 years even if you start from scratch with lower payments than you have now. And you never know if they have another look back waiver period like when Biden first took office. In fact, you can call your local congress person and senators and advocate for that.
Cc
There is no way to re enroll once you have re financed
Anonymous
I’m going to say the quiet part out loud, but you had like $200K in loans and you took a job that is in public service?
cc
Yes – options were very limited after the 2008 crisis. Firms that used to take summer classes of 100 summer associates went down to 10.
Anon
If you’re an attorney, can you find a higher paying job now and put everything toward paying off the loans?
Anon
Yeah, I’d do this too, you don’t really have the luxury of a different choice.
Anon
Agree so much.
cc
Obviously if I had a better offer I would’ve taken it ?
Anonymous
How many total payments did you make at the federal agency and eligible employer? There was a limited time PSLF waiver when they made numerous exceptions to the forgiveness rules as long as you were at 120 payments. I would make a burner account and ask on the subreddit r/studentloans or r/pslf for advice. Those people generally know what they’re talking about.
Anon
im sorry, this SUCKS so much!
Ses
+1 this sucks so much. Sorry this happened to you, OP, despite you making what seemed like the most responsible choice at each stage of this journey. I’m frustrated on your behalf.
Sierra Madre, Treasure of
+100 I’m so sorry, OP.
Sierra Madre, Treasure of
+100 I’m so sorry, OP.
cc
Hey – just want to thank you and the next 3 people who said sorry and it sucks. I both really appreciate and can’t believe no one else could just let me vent! Obviously if I could’ve got a big law job in 2010 I would’ve! Now I’m here, I’ve made a plan to pay them off within the next 15 years and that plan (refinancing to bring the interest rate from 7.5 to 2.6) made sense at the time. Now something that almost never changes had changed.
HTX
My jaw dropped when I read your post. I am so sorry.
anon
I am so so sorry this happened to you cc. What terrible luck despite making super responsible choices at every step. Sending you lots of support.
anon
What’s the line between what you consider bragging vs. sharing good news or just being excited about things? And is it different on social media than in person?
I am not vibing with a friend right now because she comes across like she’s bragging constantly. Everything in her life is PHENOMENAL, and her kids are AMAZING because of X, Y, or Z accomplishment of the week. DH doesn’t see it and thinks she’s just a generally enthusiastic, positive person. I think it’s probably a mix of both, but it’s made me think more carefully about why it’s bugging me so much. Of course I want my friends to be happy, but it’s just a lot to take in sometimes.
Anon
My belief is that other people doing well is only upsetting if a) you aren’t happy about your own life or b) you think everything is a competition. She isn’t proud of her kids AT you – she’s sharing how she’s feeling and what’s going on in her life. Some people experience the world with more gratitude or optimism, so the things they share are going to lean on the positive side.
Does “I dislike when you talk about your children’s achievements or that life is going well for you. May I request that you stop” sound like a reasonable thing to say to a friend? Or a reasonable cause to spend less time with someone? If not, I would work on thinking of it as an internal issue and a signal for some inner reflection. Look at if there are things about your life you’re feeling dissatisfied with. Or if you think other people’s success and happiness is a threat to your own.
anon
No, of course it wouldn’t be reasonable to tell a friend to stop talking about the good things. There have been times, though, when I’ve been going through a rough patch with one of mine & the effusiveness felt insensitive given what she knew about our struggles. That’s not where I’m currently at, though, and yet it really bugs me. I think if it were one topic area, I could let it go.
Anon
That’s helpful context. Perhaps you are still feeling hurt by feeling like she wasn’t sensitive to the difficult period you were going through? And now her positivity continually reminds you of that and it irritates you. Some people are toxically positive in a way that makes them really dismissive during other people’s difficult moments, and makes it hard for them to have empathy for other people in crisis. My darling mother can be like this at times – she once responded to a woman discussing her daughter’s failure to launch with a response about how lucky she felt that her own son was doing so well. Meanwhile my brother was having the exact same issues the other woman’s daughter was having, and it would have been a great chance to connect and relate!
Being able to be vulnerable with people and have them make me feel heard (and not dismissed or judged) is really important to me in friendships. For that reason, I wouldn’t spend a lot of time with someone who’d made me feel bad during a difficult time or didn’t slow down to empathize. I think this depends a bit on if she was actually insensitive. I.e., responding to you talking about difficult things with, ‘Well that’s too bad. I’m so glad my Suzie has never struggled with that” versus genuinely empathizing and listening while you were talking about your struggles and then later, unrelatedly, happening to share good things going on in her own life. I think it’s okay for people to still share their happiness even if someone isn’t in a good place, but it’s a whole separate thing if they’re being insensitive and not able to support you while you talk about things that are hard for you.
You also never need a reason to stop spending as much time with someone if they annoy you or you have different values :)
Anon
I have a friend like this and I don’t like him very much and try to not spend much time with him! But my husband doesn’t mind him and we’re all in a group chat together. I probably wouldn’t be so annoyed but I’m jealous of him; he and his wife just had a baby and my husband and I are on a year now of IVF. Anyway, the guy is not the most socially aware and I have zero guilt about wanting to avoid him, but I also know it’s mostly a me problem.
Anon
Is your friend Chris Traeger from Parks & Rec? If not, I think you can tell them it’s coming across as a bit OTT.
Senior Attorney
I think any given statement falls on one side of the line or ther other depending on whether or not you really like the person.
Anon
I agree with this and for people you don’t like all that much, it’s easy to reach BEC stage where even a big, important update like “we’re moving, so excited” just annoys you for no reason.
Anon
I think it’s worth considering if jealousy is impacting your viewpoint (there’s no shame if it is). Personally, I really like when people share their happy updates – it’s a tough world out there and it makes me happy to know my friends and family are thriving. In fact, I’d like more people to share the joy and not just use the negative aspects of life as conversational fodder.
smurf
looking back, I’ve only felt this way about friends when I’m dealing with some level of depression or dissatisfaction in my own life.
if it’s like – Alec Baldwin on Friends with “AMAZING taxi ride!” “the BEST glass of water!” – that’s one thing. But if your DH sees it as not offensive.. worth taking a step back and looking internally IMO
Anon
Echoing the other responses here that when I feel like this, it’s a me thing.
Ses
Some people are just extremely rah-rah on social media. I think there’s a culture of bigging people up and this can get interpreted as bragging when it’s your own family, but they’re probably just trying to show love.
I’m generally a positive person and like to praise my friends and family and reflect on my good fortune, but in person. Online in a public forum, it feels like a lot and is one of the reasons I’m not on much social media anymore.
Anon
Yeah this is where I fall. Sometimes it’s because you’re jealous or there’s something in your own life you’re dissatisfied with. But sometimes it just feels like a lot, even if you’re perfectly happy.
I also think the frequency really matters. It’s normal to post about a kid’s accomplishments every couple of months but if it’s weekly posts I think that would come across braggy to most people. I consider my best friend’s children my niece and nephew and I love seeing photos of them and hearing about their awards and nice things their teachers say about them, but if she was sending me weekly texts about their accomplishments I would definitely be put off. And these are the people (other than my husband, children and parents) that I love most in the world.
anonshmanon
This kind of reminds me an old friend of mine who just takes up all the airtime. In this case, it’s not that her life is only bragging, there is a fair share of complaining, eye-rolling and just sharing stuff from her life. It’s just that the few times per year that we talk, I cannot get a word in edgewise. It’s all about her, her job, her family, her kids. She almost never asks me anything about myself. It makes me sad because we have a long history, but I don’t think she really knows who I am today and what I care about. Just wanted to mention this in case your issue could be rooted in unequal airtime, and the bragging is just a symptom.
Anonymous
Nobody wants to post “my kid lost another swim meet” on social media. They want to share the fun and exciting stuff! I would guess it’s a you thing.
Anon
Some people really value shared vulnerability as a bonding experience, and some people reserve that for their incredibly small inner circle. Both are valid approaches! It sounds like you’re camp one and she’s camp two. It’s okay if you want to invest more in your relationships with camp one people right now. But I would try to avoid seeking out justifications for doing so that criticize her for being a camp two person (like asking whether it’s bragging). It’s okay if right now, camp one people just fill your cup more. Over time, you may find more joy in the camp two people, or she may become more of a camp one person.
Anonymous
From the other side of this, I worked in jobs I hated for 12 years. I finally have my dream job and occasionally I share good things! My one friend who ask that I “tone down the bragging” when I mentioned that I had been at the spa that day since my boss gave me an extra day off after I finished a major project, is no longer a friend. Some people are just only happy when you’re the sad friend they can “help” while also feeling better about themselves.
Anon
I’d also pay attention to whether she’s genuinely and enthusiastically happy for you or other friends when you/they have good news to share. As I’ve gotten older and generally more content with my life, I’m happy to share my good news, but it brings me a ton of joy when great thing happen to my friends. I love hyping them up for their successes! Does she do that for you? Or is her OTT stuff all focused on herself?