This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
RSS Error: WP HTTP Error: cURL error 60: Issuer certificate is invalid.
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
aaanon
I’m so not impressed that Buckingham Palace rolled out the red carpet for the Trump clan but these protest signs cheered me up.
https://www.sadanduseless.com/donald-meets-england-funny/
Anon
I’m no fan of the president, but my ignorant American understanding is that the royals are apolitical (they don’t vote, they don’t express views on political matters, etc) so I can see why they’d treat Trump’s visit the same way they’d treat any other head of state.
Anon
I mean, the British royal family is supposed to be non-partisan and diplomatic, so the Queen can’t exactly snub the POTUS even if she can’t stand his guts. I think the Queen scares 45 though, he seems to mostly be on his best behaviour!
Anon
+1. He seems really intimidated by the Queen!
Ellen
Yes, dad thinks the Queen must be a mother figure to POTUS! Also, having Melania there makes it clear that the royal family did not want to get into a beauty contest, leaving Megan Markle away from the festivities. I love Megan Markle b/c she looks like what all female attorneys should look like from her TV show! YAY! Now if ONLEY we could all snag princes like Harry, we would not have to write briefs and do depo’s all day! FOOEY!
Vicky Austin
Heck, the Queen would scare me. She’s serious business!
Small Firm IP Litigator
They didn’t have him stay at Buckingham palace due to “renovations” and the Queen gave him a BOOK about HISTORY, so that may be their subtle way of snubbing him.
Anon
I’m not disagreeing with you, but it’s so horrifying that giving a president a book about history could be considered a “snub.”
anon
I loved the fact that the Downing St cat delayed the motorcade. Perfect picture of a perturbed moggy!
Cat
I wouldn’t criticize the BRF for hosting the Trumps. They are apolitical. I am however unclear why ALL THE TRUMPS were invited – is that typical for a state visit?
MagicUnicorn
I read that only 45 & spouse were invited; the rest invited themselves.
Anon
Omg if true that is just so much more embarrassing.
MagicUnicorn
Can’t locate the article I first read, but this one says pretty much the same thing: https://www.cnn.com/2019/06/04/politics/trump-family-royal-family-status/index.html
anon a mouse
Still waiting for someone to clarify whether the kids paid their own way or if taxpayers are footing the bill.
Also who is watching Barron??
Anon
I have plenty of problems with Trump, but I’m sure Barron is with a trusted nanny or relative, just like the Obamas left their daughters beyond for overseas visits on occasion. There’s nothing wrong with parents traveling abroad without their teenage child, especially when it’s for work.
anon a mouse
Totally agree, just find it strange that he is completely left out of the narrative. Both in the framing of “look at 45 with all his kids!” and that when the Obamas were traveling, there was almost always a mention of how Michelle’s mother was helping out with the kids. Poor kid just seems like a complete afterthought for the family.
Anonymous
Plus the grown 40+ year old “kids” get to go but not their one minor child? It’s not like he’s a toddler – he could handle himself in a palace etc. for at least some of the events, even if not the state dinner.
Seventh Sister
That kid is probably counting the hours until he can go to a remote boarding school in a faraway forest.
Pep
I think Barron is staying with his grandparents (Melania’s parents) who live locally.
It’s probably the end of the school year/finals for him right now.
Anon
The queen wore the Burma ruby tiara, which is said to ward off evil spirits, for her formal event with POTUS. She can never be overtly political but she sends messages through her jewels much as RBG does with her collars.
Anon
Not everyone lives their lives in the same constant Trump-hate that everyone here seems to. FYI.
Housecounsel
I do . .
Anon
STFU Becky
Anon
Very mature.
anon a mouse
This is a comment of pure privilege, if you think you have nothing to lose from this president.
Anon
+1
Skipper
I mean, I gotta sleep sometimes. But the Trump administration plans on canceling English classes, rec programs, and LEGAL AID for unaccompanied migrant kids. If that and the literal hundreds of other egregious anti-democratic, anti-human rights, and flat out racist and sexist policies of this administration don’t bug you, lady, you got problems.
Anon
And you forgot all the harmful environmental policies and willful ignorance about climate change, which may well be irreversible by the time the admin is over.
Anon
Your preferred policy choices are not human rights mandates. Get over yourself and deal with the fact that you lost an election.
We survived Barack; you can handle a real estate mogul.
Skipper
I don’t know how to tell you this, 11:53 Anon, but your water bottle is not professional. It’s never been professional. Everyone’s talking about it.
Eager Beaver
Skipper – best comment ever.
MagicUnicorn
The white supremacist who lives across the street from me and feels empowered by this administration to treat as subhuman those in our neighborhood who don’t look like him is not something I ever want to “get over.”
anon
Wow, you’re really making the case that Trump supporters are really good-hearted people who elected him because of ~*~*~economic anxiety~*~*~ rather than just general nastiness/bitterness/bigotry/total disregard for other people.
Anon
*failed real estate mogul
LaurenB
There was nothing to “survive” about Barack Obama; whether or not one agreed with his policies,he was informed, erudite, understood the Constitution (having been a freakin’ Con Law professor at U of Chicago), listened thoughtfully to what advisers had to say, did not act like a bully, treated those he dealt with in a polite, respectful fashion, and did not tweet stupid things to the stupid people who lap them up. I don’t recall him making up blatant lies about his opponents, or starting trumped-up (pun intended) universities that ripped people off; do you?
Yes, I’m sure it was so difficult for you living under him. GMAFB.
Anonymous
There are things that this administration does that bothers me, but cancelling benefits for illegal aliens does not.
LaurenB
Anonymous 11:53 – LOL at the real estate mogul. I’m not even particularly connected to the commercial real estate world, but even I know of several law firms who were involved with Trump hotels who he screwed over, and several small businesses who provided goods and services to those hotels and never got paid. This was not some great secret; this was common knowledge among people who lived in the cities in where the Trump Org did business. I realize maybe people in East BumbleF didn’t get the message.
Trixie
Everyone, of every political party, should be very worried about this President. The sooner he goes the better.
LaurenB
Right, but most sophisticated people are indeed worried about this President, and for good reason. You are, of course, welcome to hold Trump up as an example of the manners, class, grace and dignity you wish to emulate. You’re also welcome to hold Trump up as an example of the type of gravitas you wish the leader of the free world to hold.
Anon
“Sophisticated people.”
Anonymous
Thank you +1000
Anon
Yes so funny- thanks!
Celia
Heck, she’s hosted Tito, Ceaucescu and Idi Amin. This dude is easy in comparison.
SR
Bali Recs?
My husband and I are going to Indonesia for 10 days in August, 5 of which will be in Gili Air for diving. We’re thinking of Ubud or northern Bali for the remaining time. I’d love to hear recommendations and tips from anyone who’s been – where should we go aside from Gili? TIA!
ND
If you want to dive more (even for a couple more hours) the Tulamben area has a great wreck dive. I would hire a driver and do a day of temples, rice terraces and coffee plantations in North Bali as well (Ubud is a good base for this but anywhere North will work). If you want to shop or have ricer restaurant or resort options, I recommend Seminyak over the other south Bali towns. Go to Potato Head for pre-dinner drinks (unless you want a real party vibe, then of course consider later). While on Gili Air I’m sure you’ll have a chance to visit Gili T and Gili M for dinner vibes and food options – I’d kayak from island to island if the sea allows.
Former Parisian
I would go to Java (Borobodur, Mount Bromo, Yogyakarta) instead of Bali (which is beautiful but very touristy). If you do go to Bali, I would spend opt for Ubud and maybe Munduk.
Anon
We stayed at the Damai in North Bali and it was amazing. https://www.thedamai.com/
Definitely on the quieter side, away from too many tourists. But they facilitate day excursions if you want and will drive you into a nearby small town at night if you want some socialization (nothing crazy).
Have fun!! Bali is amazing.
Lobbyist
Went many years ago, but loved Ubud. Great restaurants, darling hotels, super cute shopping.
Anon
I guess I was too wrapped up in my east coast big city bubble but between several commenters yesterday mentioning that their religion/other beliefs lead them to not suppprt LGBT rights and a few news stories I’ve read in the Washington Post today (Alabama mayor comments on Facebook and a Tennessee Chief prosecutor who won’t prosecute DV claims for same sex marriages since “they aren’t married”) has been a really disheartening start to Pride Month.
I truly did not know that so many people still felt this way, so shame on me for being so insularly focused. But WOW.
I’m straight, but will be making an effort to be sending additional love and support to my LGBT friends and community members.
Anon
Do you want a medal? What’s the point of this except to rehash yesterday’s post? You’re never going to make people listen to you by insulting them, no matter what you personally think about their beliefs. Do you actually want to change minds (if you do, then change tactics) or do you just want to feel good about yourself?
Anon
Sorry for my tone. I misread your post as you calling the other side insular, not yourself. Too early…
I do think the point stands, though. We need to actually change minds and I know insults/denigration doesn’t do it, but it’s hard to know what does. There’s evidence for calm conversations and sharing experiences changing minds, but idk how robust it is.
Anonymous
Lol pot kettle girl.
Equestrian attorney
I’m not seeing any denigration… She is sending out extra love. You most certainly are not.
I was also disheartened by some of yesterday’s posts, but am not that surprised – I do know a few (otherwise lovely) people who feel that way, although they are mostly older. My aunt, weirdly, is annoyed at people being LGBTQ because there are “fewer eligible men around”, which I find utterly bizarre.
Anonymous
Lol sometimes I’m really annoyed when a hot guy is gay not gonna lie.
Anon
Anon at 10:07, right? I always hate it when a hot women is straight. Such a waste.
Anonymous
So I have relatives who think – when people can’t find a partner for a straight marriage, they “become” gay. I also have relatives who say when they see a gay guy BFF hanging out with a bunch of young ladies — oh he’s pretending to be gay so he can get one of those girls to like him and then he’ll marry her and be straight?! Admittedly we come from a part of the world where things are very repressed from a gardening perspective (so it’s like it doesn’t occur to them that these gay folks are gardening with same sex people which is tough/impossible if you’re wired that way). We also come from a part of the world that stones etc gay people so they’ve had NO exposure to gay people for decades because no one there dare comes out and then even in the US, things are pretty repressed until recently if you live in UMC suburbia, don’t ever go into any city etc. I grew up in a subdivision of 150 homes in the 1990s, I can’t think of one home that had 2 moms or 2 dads. It was all 1 mom, 1 dad with kids families; divorced single parents; retirees with no kids at home; or DINKs or SINKs and I think the neighborhood still looks that way. And this is suburbs in NJ not Arkansas.
anon
“You’re never going to make people listen to you by insulting them”
And yet, here you are….Good grief.
Anon
I wasn’t trying to change her mind about LGBT issues, though.
anon
You were telling her she was wrong and you wanted her to listen to you and you still insulted her. But all the sudden this principle only applies when we’re discussing LGBT issues? Come on.
Anon
Oh, honey
Ellen
Be nice now. Meow! She merely said she had an ephiny about people who are LGBT. Most people are smug about what they know and don’t know and she had the ability to admit something here for the HIVE. So let’s not belitle her for being honest, or we won’t have the same espree de corp here that we do. YAY!!!
Anon
I mean, the better thing to do is continue to educate yourself on how the world works outside of your bubble and then either volunteer or contribute to causes which fight for LGTBQIA rights.
Racism is alive and well too, btw.
Anon
Kat, I don’t think this commenter meant to put her name here – can you change it to an anonymous comment?
Miss Kitty
Sexism too, especially in the workplace
Anon
I’m the OP and unfortunately I’m in a very vocally sexist workplace, so I fully, fully agree.
Anon
My advice to people is to look at Gallup polls on the issues – the polls, not the headlines. Drill down into the data.
Anon
As a gay woman and loyal contributor to the comment section of this site, I agree with you and I appreciate your support. Thank you for promoting love and compassion.
Anon09
My 6 year old asked me today why there were rainbows decorating so many things – we walk by a church and a synagogue on the way to school and both are decorated with rainbow ribbons. I told her that it was to remind people that it doesn’t matter who you love – that it’s just important that you love someone. Women can marry women or women can marry men and men can marry women or men can marry men. I pointed out that mommy and daddy are married and that her teacher’s little boy has two daddies who are married. I know that there is a lot more nuance to the issues, but my daughter is only 6. There are only so many ideas that can be expressed in a short walk to school.
Leatty
Beautifully said.
Rainbow Hair
Aw, I had a similar interaction with my girl. She’s very much into rainbows aesthetically, so “mommy!!! that flag is a rainbow!!!!” and I told her that it was about how you can love and marry whoever you want.
NOLA
Our Pride t-shirts for the parade on Saturday say “Let all the people in the church say I DO!”
Different take
I had a different reaction to the comments the other day. A few of the commenters said that they were uncomfortable posing in a group picture supporting LGTBT rights because they personally were not in favor of gay marriage, etc.
I am in full support of LGBT folks and my dearest sibling is gay, but I don’t think we solve anything by forcing people to participate in something they don’t want to participate in, especially at the work place. I would never want someone posing in such a picture if they didn’t support the cause. And in general, I think group pictures like this are not the way to go and I never saw anything like this at a firm (for any cause).
Anon
I could care less about taking the pictures. It’s not my favorite way to show support either.
I was just taken aback by the several commenters who were anti LGBT.
I was raised in a faith (Episcopal) that supports the LGBT community so I never saw being religious and being LBGT or being an ally (personally believe that we’re called to love our neighbors, not just our straight neighbors!) as being at odds with each other. I obviously know that many religions still officially condemn it, but I was surprised how many members of this community do too. I kinda figured that for many, it was one of those things that “the faith’s official position is x, but I don’t agree”. The vast majority of my friends and family are catholic and not a single one agreees with the church’s stance on lgbt issues.
Anon
I’m a confirmed Catholic and I’m also the loyal gay commentator above. Also, lots of Catholic priests are gay.
Anon
Which makes your adherence to a hypocritical, cruel religion all the more perplexing. I can totally see why people want spiritual guidance, community, to believe in something greater, etc. – it’s not for me, but I can see it. The part that makes zero sense to me is why people remain loyal to the Catholic Church when it actively works to remove your rights while burying scandals and hypocrisy within its ranks. Why not leave en masse?
anon
You don’t get to decide what’s in her interests. I’m a WOC and am frequently told that I’m a bad WOC (by white people, no less) because I don’t tow the progressive party line on every single issue. I have a perspective that they don’t when it comes to issues that affect me, and it’s super patronizing to be told that I’m just misunderstanding what’s good for me. I feel like that’s what’s happening here to Catholics/religious people like the poster above. Let her decide what’s good for her. No need to have opinions on things you don’t understand firsthand.
Poster above
I was trying to legitimize the poster above, who said “The vast majority of my friends and family are catholic and not a single one agrees with the church’s stance on LGBT issues.” Don’t get me wrong – I didn’t get married in the Catholic church, will not send my children to Catholic school, and do not go weekly to mass myself. But I do go on holidays as part of family traditions that are meaningful to me. The presence of Catholics who are gay and priests who are gay means that not everyone is all or nothing about messages of the church. Hell, even the Pope’s messaging on gay people is a real departure from what we’ve seen in the past. To me, religion is all about love and compassion. And to some Catholics that’s what it comes down to also.
nona
Anon @ 11:12 – You can’t change something if you leave. You cede control of the thing to the voices left behind, which are usually those that support the status quo. There is a beauty to the ritual of the Church that many members like, but gets drowned out by the politics. And there are many Catholics who feel like ritual/history/community/central message are worth staying and fighting for, even when all the human politics get in the way.
Anon
“To me, religion is all about love and compassion.”
Do you think the apostles willingly suffered horrific deaths for “love and compassion”?
Anon
Anon at 11:55 – you are entitled to your interpretation of your religion, and I’m entitled to mine. Back off about apostles. Thanks.
Anonymous
Yes. Definitely. Christ’s message was clear. Love your neighbors. What is more worth dying for than love?
Anon
So anon at 11:55, are you now arguing against love and compassion?
Anon
@ Anon At 11:55
I strongly believe that religion is all about love and compassion and I strongly believe that the apostles suffered horrific deaths in the name of love and compassion and would absolutely not see their deaths in vain on this topic
WWJD? He would ove his LGBT neighbor
Walnut
Catholic here. I stick around to be part of the solution. The catholic church moves very, very slowly, but positions can and do change.
NOLA
Walnut, same for those of us in the United Methodist Church, with the current climate. Trying to create change from within.
Seventh Sister
I grew up in a similar Protestant denomination and I’m really in awe of people who stay in their church and advocate for change. For me, leaving was easy. Doing the work and staying is a hard road and I salute you!
Irish Midori
Yeah, this. I’m all for gay rights. I’m just not for employers prodding their employees into social media campaigns for stuff. My employer can force me to be publicly in favor of one thing: My employer. Anything I march for is on my own time.
Anonymous
More broadly though, isn’t this what is happening on lots of things? You have your east (and west coast) city bubbles plus small blue metro areas like Dallas or Atlanta and then you have everyone else? And the two groups make NO effort to understand each other because they get more validation from screaming into their own echo chambers about how those rural hicks from Richmond or Memphis or wherever are behind the times? And thus the Richmond/Memphis folks who decidedly aren’t all rural hicks are are often just UMC suburban professionals just roll their eyes at the coastal folks?
I’m one of the only people in my circle IRL (and likely here though I don’t post much) who leans conservative while living in DC. When I say IRL — (not on this issue) that the concern with manufacturing or economy or whatever for the rest of the country is x and we’re insulated from that in DC, I’m almost always met with people lecturing me about how those are not concerns, those people are too stupid to know their concerns etc. I shrug and move on but I was not at all surprised that DJTs win took my coastal friends by shock because everyone just discounted those who weren’t in NYC, DC, LA etc.
Anonymous
yes but the more progressive viewpoints are the majority at this point, being socially conservative is a minority view in this country. for instance a recent study was done that there’s no single state where a majority of people are anti choice – even in the most conservative states its only around 25%. there is definitely a huge disconnect but at this point the majority of the country is at least nominally liberal on major social issues.
Irish Midori
It’s a thinner majority than you make it sound, though. That’s why we have the current administration.
Anon
Given that half of the country self-identifies as pro-life, that’s just not possible.
Suburban
I want to respond to this because it is a popular narrative: rural and red state folks (Richmond/Memphis) have real economic concerns (you mention manufacturing and economy, generally) that motivate their loyalty to conservitive politics. Blue state “elites” fail to understand this economic motivation and somehow see just the bigotry tied to social conservative policy.
I think this narrative is a cop out. It neglects the fact that racist and bigoted social ideas and systems are still more popular in more conservative places. I live in a middle class red county in the bluest of states. My neighbors don’t vote for peter king or Donald trump because they lost their factory jobs and family farms. They are mostly well educated; they’re not too stupid to know better. The economics don’t benefit them in the way you allude to. Trump/republican policy is terrible for middle class folks where I live (they eliminated a major tax deduction for homeowners here).
I’ve tried to see the other side for a long time. Here’s the best I can do: they voted for trump and king and every republican down the ballot because they’re terrified of living in a world where being a native born white person no longer instills automatic privilege.
I’m not looking down on conservative voters in red states because I fail to understand their economic plight or because I think they’re dumb. By contrast, I hold them to the same standards as my friends and neighbors. But you don’t get to just yell “economy,” and avoid talking about the awful consequences that conservative social policy has on real people. You don’t get to yell “economy” in order to avoid addressing the fact that your value system, whether or not it’s based on religion, allows homophobia and racism to persist and prosper.
Liberals are often explaining that they feel the need to put their values before their wallets. Conservatives have trouble explaining the opposite,so they change the subject. Then complain that they’re not heard.
Anonymous
I mean I’m not white, I’m one of the model minority types. I do want “white privilege” to survive because I think Asians free ride off off that more than we do from black or Hispanic issues. Inner city schools – not my day to day. I’m not gay and don’t go out of my way to associate with gay people, so no worries with what happens there. I want corporate tax cuts, as they help with share buybacks which help stock prices overall, as do increased retained earnings. Sorry I’m looking out for my interests? Just because liberals have decided to put values before wallets, is that now required?
Anon
Ummm….human rights should always come before wallets. What is wrong with you?
Suburban
So you’re honest here. You vote to help yourself and to further white privilege. Why do you keep pretending we can’t or don’t understand you? We do.
LaurenB
Yes, we get it. We know what you would have done in Germany in the late 1930s and early 1940s. Doesn’t concern you, turn a blind eye. Fabulous.
Anonymous
Who says you don’t understand? Whether you understand or not, this is what I’m doing. And there’s a whole lot of white people thinking the same way. And no other peoples rights don’t come before MY wallet. If it was MY/my loved ones rights, sure, but others I don’t know and don’t associate with??
dire straits
I am also “one of the model minority types” and have beliefs that are a 180 from the above poster at 1:01pm.
More and more, I find people are in one of two camps – 1) those who care about other people and other things besides what benefits themselves, and 2) those who simply don’t (“it doesn’t affect my day-to-day, so why should I care?”). I’m not sure any fully-formed adult in category 2 will ever move to category 1. Each time someone outs themselves as category 2 (often in a proud manner, e.g. “the economy is the most important thing”), it’s enlightening, but sometimes I would rather not know because I like to have respect for my colleagues.
Anon
I recommend you check out the very moving words “first they came”
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/First_they_came_…
Suburban
Anon at 11:09 had an entire post about how people in their “bubbles” don’t understand each other or even try. Specifically, it mirrored apopular national conversation about liberal urban voters not understanding the rest of America. My post was clearly and specifically in response to that. Even if you’re not anon at 11:09 I’m very confused as to how you missed that.
Rest assured, you’ve made it incredibly clear why you vote the way you do. You’ve also illustrated my point beautifully.
Anon
You’re creating a false dichotomy. Nothing about championing human rights in America, whether that be for women, gay people, black people, whatever is a hindrance to corporate tax cuts or economic stimulation. Giving gay people the exact same rights and respect as white people in America does not jeopardize the economy. I think you need to think about the fact that you are actually bigoted and hateful and you are trying to justify that by saying “well I need to be able to survive financially.” The two are not in opposition.
ALSO, someone you know could come out as gay. I came out at age 40. One of your future kids could be gay. I know moms and dads who have gotten a divorce in their 50s and come out as gay. You never know if someone in YOUR CIRCLE (the only people you care about) may actually be gay.
anon
Have you ever been diagnosed as a sociopath or psychopath? I mean, sure, you’re legally allowed to lack all compassion for other people but please believe you are an immoral person. At least, based on how you’ve presented yourself here.
Anon
Also it’s a false choice. You can think that certain of Trumps economic policies are good and still acknowledge that he has a horrible track record/views/policies on social issues.
I’m happy to debate anyone on the benefits of gay marriage for the economy. Trust me, gay marriage is neutral at worst and likely a very positive impact
Anon
I found this interesting
https://www.hrc.org/resources/what-does-the-bible-say-about-homosexuality
Anon12
Maybe insular bubbles aren’t as bad as we think:
https://www.pnas.org/content/116/22/10717.abstract
https://kjzz.org/content/954851/new-study-suggests-echo-chambers-arent-always-bad-thing
Anon
I thought the same thing yesterday when I was reading the nasty homophobic comments here. I can’t believe there are people in the demographic of this s!te who actually think that way! At the very least, can’t you recognize you’re on the wrong side of history? Aren’t you ashamed to be so terrible in this day and age? I guess that’s why they’re saying those things anonymously on the internet.
Anon
+1
Anon
Yup! I knew people with those views are out there, I didn’t think they were here.
I was honestly shocked with how many educated, professional, successful women still were anti lgbt!!
Anonymous
IDK about others but people IRL know my stance on LGBT, know that I would never vote for Pete even if he is the Dem nominee even though I want Trump gone. So it’s not an anonymous on the internet thing, and no I’m not ashamed because my stance comes from faith and my faith isn’t changing based on what’s fashionable.
Anon
You are a huge asshole.
Anonymous
And yet I’m fine with that.
Anon
Being fine with being an a-hole is so Christ-like!
LaurenB
Well, then your faith sucks. Why do you expect people to respect a hateful point of view? If you don’t care for Buttigieg’s stated principles, fine, but because he’s gay? You seriously don’t get that that is of no more consequence than if he wears glasses or is left-handed?
Anon
Do you honestly think his ability to lead is affected by his sexual orientation?
Anon
Can you please rationally explain how being gay affects his ability to be president? How does his sexual orientation affect his ability to do a job? Did you not vote for Hillary bc she’s a woman? Or Obama because he is black?
Newsflash: being gay, just like being a woman or being black, is a part of your identity that you have ZERO CONTROL over. Pete didn’t choose his orientation, just like HRC didn’t choose her gender, just like Obama didn’t choose his race. It’s merely a part of his identity (that he did not choose, he was born this way) that has zero impact on his ability to do a job.
Also, not voting for Pete because it’s against your religion is hilarious to me. He is one of the, if not the most, religious candidates in the race
anon
I’m very much okay with you not voting if you’re dumb enough to be religious. I hope you get help for that awful mental illness.
Anon
Uncalled for.
I’m the OP of this post. I’m religious. Many people here expressing their support for the LGBT community and other groups are also people of faith
Anon
This is really rude and uncalled for. There are lots of religious people on this board and several who have posted expressing support for LGBT rights on this board.
anon
The fact that there are many of you does nothing to improve my opinion of the nonsense you believe in. Congrats on stumbling onto some progressive stances but the church remains an awful institution that has cumulatively done way more harm than good.
Anon
I’m concerned about winning over hearts and minds in the next election. In my own circles, I’ve seen conservatives come around to gay marriage after realizing that it literally doesn’t affect them (and knowing more gay people personally), but I’m seeing more resistance on trans issues (school bathrooms, changing pronoun usage, etc) and I think that is going to be a harder pill to swallow for many people. Unlike with gay marriage, being an “ally” on many current issues affecting the trans community means changing your own language, your perceptions of who is and isn’t a member of the opposite sex, and more. I am actually really worried about alienating voters who are ready to “live and let live,” but who aren’t going to be able to change their own personal beliefs and definition of man/woman. In many ways, L, G, and B are very different to the T.
LaurenB
In my circles, the “issue” with T isn’t so much those who believe they are born in the wrong body and take steps to change that. There’s a sense of respect that you gotta do what you gotta do. I think there’s much more issue / discomfort with people who are gender fluid. There’s more of a common belief of “pick one side and stick with it, but don’t switch from day to day and expect us all to have to keep up with you.” There’s also discomfort with the idea that certain things are now gender-coded – e.g., if a boy wants to wear makeup or a skirt, he’s now a girl, or if a girl wants to play with trucks and wear overalls, she’s now a boy. Why can’t a girl who wants to play with trucks and wear overalls just be a girl who does these things? Why does femininity / masculinity have to be defined so tightly?
Anon
Yeah, I agree with that and think that it’s starting to become more common. Feminists have been talking about that for years (i.e., that it’s okay and great for women to be able to play with whatever toys they want and pursue whatever careers they want), but I’ve also seen it come up more recently among typical families who don’t specifically identify as feminist. Also, it’s just not a good look to call someone a bigot for using the wrong pronouns when the subject switches pronouns frequently or uses non-standard ones that no one outside of the gender studies department has heard of. I really think it makes well-meaning people feel insulted and excluded. That type of situation is rarer, I’d bet, but I think there are also going to be more common, widely reported issues like what to do about accommodating trans students in girls’ sports. It’s a hard sell to convince someone that trans girls are no different when they easily annihilate the competition, and I could be wrong, but the only responses I’ve heard to concerns about that are “you need to work on accepting trans girls and work on your own prejudices.” I just don’t think that’s a winning strategy for the left.
Anon
Nice straw man. Adult people who struggle with their gender identity do not “change all the time”. If you call someone the wrong pronoun because you didn’t know what they like to use, that’s fine. But once they tell you, you switch. If you don’t you’re just being a jerk. It’s just like calling someone the wrong name and digging in instead of respecting their name. It’s not that difficult to call someone he, she, or they. You should try it sometime.
I actually think this is all a step in the right direction. Rather than only having one path to transition – pretty involved and often grisly surgery – instead people are saying, this is my body, and this is my gender, and I accept both.
Anon
We were specifically talking about gender fluid people. Are you denying their existence?
Anon
Please show me on the mannequin where being forced to refer to someone as “they” hurt you.
LaurenB
We are talking specifically about people who DO ‘change all the time,’ who want to be addressed as him/his one day, she/her the next, and they/them the day after. The ones who inhabit women’s colleges and make a big point of “we’re not all women here” (Ok, great, you’re no longer a woman, fabulous, you do you, but this is still a women’s college).
Seventh Sister
I’m unreasonably excited that my church (Episcopal) is going to have a booth at a local family-friendly pride festival *and* I get to volunteer. While I left my crummy little small town for different reasons, there are a lot of LBQTIA people in my city who left crummy small towns because their churches made them feel like crap.
Burned out anon
Hive—I would appreciate some advice. I’m a midlevel transactional associate at a biglaw firm. I know there have been other burnout threads lately, but I am truly struggling. All I do when I am not working is sleep, and I am having near-daily panic attacks. I spend a lot of time crying in my office and imagining injuries/illnesses that would allow me to escape for a week or two. I am seeing a therapist and have started taking anxiety meds, and I have a vacation booked at the end of August (which seems so far away).
Does anyone have advice as to how to bounce back from severe burnout with your reputation intact (I don’t think the quality of my work has been affected, but I do think my attitude has been unmistakably dreadful)? Can I/should I take FMLA leave? I’ve been working with a recruiter but was hoping to stick it out until the end of the year. Thank you in advance – this is such a lovely group!
anon
Kick your job search into high gear. You don’t have to live like this.
Genabee
+1
I was in the same position last year and decided to throw away a BigLaw associate position (6 figures, 2,000 billable hours a year, my own office, partner-track job, etc.) for a nonprofit staff attorney position. A year later, I make 40% of what I was making before but I am sooooooo much happier, healthier, and well-adjusted.
Anon
I had the exact same issue but a bit earlier in my career (around 3 years in). I took FMLA leave because I knew I had a hard deadline to leave (within four months of taking the leave) – I do not think it would have been a good move for me to have done that if I intended to stay at the firm long term (or honestly if I intended to stay in that style of law long term, because taking leave gave me a break but didn’t fix my underlying issues). I’m not sure what your reasoning for staying till the end of the year is, but one thing I struggled a lot with was feeling stuck at a job I didn’t like or want anymore, so don’t force yourself to stay in a job you hate for an artificial reason.
My other suggestion (and my therapist helped a LOT with this) is to take the time you need to figure out what you want out of your next job and what you envision your life looking like beyond your career.
Anonymous
Dial back everything you can at work — don’t do a committee, take recruiting interviews, etc. Review your teams to see if there is any work you can push either up, laterally or down. Say no to new projects, no need to explain you are burnt out, just that you are swamped. Try to get outside to walk – a Starbucks run will do – so you reset your stress level during the day. Get in one exercise routine on the weekend. Give yourself time for things to sort out, don’t make a bad decision about your career because you are exhausted. You got this.
Ellen
You need to take a break. To much work will burn all of us out. See if you can tell your manageing partner that you need PTO (personal time off). You need NOT explain why, and if your work has been good, he will grant it. Then take 2 weeks off, chill, and regroup. We wish you all the best. FOOOEY on work that burns us out.
anon
Ooof, been there. I am so sorry. I’m glad you’re seeing a therapist and are trying meds. That may help you get to a better baseline so you can make good decisions for yourself, instead of reactive ones.
Since you specifically mentioned that burnout is affecting your attitude (and why wouldn’t it), here’s what I’d recommend trying:
– Work off-location if you can, even if it’s in another office in your building, a conference room, a coffee shop for a few hours. If you have an office, close your door more often. Even if you’re doing the same work, a change of location may help.
– Do not, do not, do not eat lunch at your desk. Even if you’re swamped. You need to get OUT and take a mental break during the day. When I’m really struggling, I sometimes go to a park or somewhere calming/soothing. I’ve also been known to take too many Target runs over the lunch hour when I’m stressed; don’t do that. ;)
– As much as you can, avoid absorbing others’ stress. Don’t be afraid to wrap up meetings as soon as business is done, and cut down on the chit-chat, particularly with people who are going to make you feel worse.
– Deep breathing exercises, multiple times a day.
– You have a big vacation scheduled for August, which is great, but that’s still a long time away. Can you take a couple of three-day weekends here and there? I know you’re drowning in work and it seems impossible, but your mind and body need the break. Think of that as responsibly managing your workload. Because if you totally burn out, it won’t get done at all.
Good luck. I am so sorry you’re going through this. It is an awful feeling.
Anon
Don’t stick it out until the end of the yearout of a false sense of obligation. Prioritize your health. Take a vacation now, don’t wait until August.
This article has been shared here before, and I think it’s very helpful. https://hbr.org/2018/02/if-youre-so-successful-why-are-you-still-working-70-hours-a-week
AFT
Also, don’t stick it out until year end just to get a bonus – your health isn’t worth it (even it’s $$$)
Anonymous
This happened to me for about 18 months. I honestly just started doing less work. A list of things I did is below, but I will say, my friend, who was a few years older than me, told me that the mid-level years were her worst years at a firm, and I’ve now rounded the bend into senior associate territory and I wholeheartedly agree. I thought about quitting, and interviewed around, but I’m glad I stayed. She basically said when you are a junior associate you do a lot of mindless work, when you are a mid-level you do all of the work with no autonomy, and when you are a senior associate you do the interesting work and have a lot of autonomy. I’ve now crossed into senior associate territory and my life is seriously so much better. I have much more control over my matters/timing/etc., and I also have years of practice behind me so internally people trust me.
Here’s what I did:
– Staff junior associates on more matters and push more work down to them. It was good for me and them – once I trusted them, they had more responsibility and I had less on my plate.
– Trained a paralegal to handle certain tasks that come up all the time but are slightly more complicated that what we normally delegate to paralegals.
– I didn’t do any extra stuff as noted above – no recruiting, etc.
– I started going home earlier. I was working remotely but I find that just…physically leaving the office is a huge help. I find that people are less likely to bombard me with non-urgent requests late at night when I am not physically at the office.
– I took 2 vacations (four months apart) and aggressively enforced boundaries on them – I did not work at all. I basically told the two partners I was closest with that I really needed a real vacation and they helped make sure I had coverage.
– I started saying no when I was overloaded. I had always felt pressured to take matters, but I held firm. The good advice I got was that no one remembers when you say no to a few matters but everyone remembers when you take a matter, are too busy and do a bad job. I tried to keep that in mind even though saying no was hard.
– I identified people I liked to work with and aggressively pursued their matters. I’m in a transaction-adjacent practice so I just told the transaction associates I like to let me know when they had new matters and which partner in my group was staffed on it. I would then proactively go to the partner and ask them to staff me on it. It made my life much better and I got bonus points for “being proactive.”
Kart
Is there someone at the firm you can talk to and let them know you’re overloaded? I think generally the firm would rather retain an associate than not, so maybe they can help you figure things out.
Burned out anon
Thanks so much for all the thoughtful responses – and that article really hit home! I described my firm as a cult to a non-lawyer friend just this week. As AFT thought, I was trying to stick it out for the bonus, but you’re all right – feeling this way is just not worth it! Unfortunately, most of the people I trusted at my firm have left (which speaks volumes about the firm…and also I think a big part of the problem), but there is one mentor-type person left who I will reach out to for guidance. Thank you again – it’s helpful to know I’m not alone in feeling this way.
Vegan PhD Gift Thoughts?
A good college friend just got her PhD. I’d love to get her something — I know a briefcase is sort of traditional to begin the job search with, but she’s vegan. Any thoughts on great vegan professional bags? (She’s a sociologist fwiw.)
Anon
Look at bags by Mat & Nat! Vegan “leather” brand. I don’t own one but I see them around and the styling and quality look great.
Anonny
Mat & Nat is just well marketed PU, nothing ethical about it. Signed a vegan sociologist.
There are lots of cool bags made from banana leaves, cork, cotton, hemp etc. I’d be more inclined to recommend something like that to OP.
Equestrian attorney
I can’t comment on ethics but was disappointed by the quality of Mat & Nat. The zipper broke after a month and I was told it was a sale purchase so they wouldn’t do anything about it. Then the “leather” split in the corners. I threw it out in less than a year. I do know other people who like them and mine was really quite when new, so maybe I was just unlucky but I won’t buy from them again.
Minnie Beebe
Same here, though it’s probably due to the style of the bag I had, with folded corners. Something without that style of corner would probably last longer (zipper notwithstanding– mine had a snap closure.)
Anon12
How about a decorative business card case? A friend got me a wooden one around the time I finished my PhD. But a PhD gift doesn’t have to be about the job search.
A briefcase was way more traditional in the 1980’s. My mom received one when she finished her law degree in 1984. No one I know received one as a gift when we finished our science PhD’s in the early 2000’s. I can’t remember the last time I saw one when I walk down the street in midtown Manhattan. And a handbag of some sort is way too personal a choice.
Anon
Agreed. Nice thought, but I think of me for example personally and I am SO picky about my daily handbag and work/commuting bag choices (functionality, comfort, color) that the idea of someone picking something out for me that I would just happen to like or use would be very unlikely.
Anonymous
Please no briefcases and no business card holders! Get her a bottle of champagne and and some flowers!
FormerlyPhilly
Agree! Nice chocolates, quality champagne or wine, flowers, soaps/hand cream, lovely card with a poem or thoughtful message… also think about an experience the two of you can do together. When I finished my PhD, I wanted to spend time with people I didn’t get to spend as much time with along the way.
Anon
+1 to chocolates, champagne or flowers depending on her preferences.
Anonny
Does she plan on moving soon? I know some people are anti-gift card but maybe a gift card to Amazon or Wayfair, etc? When I graduated from my masters program I got a Wayfair giftcard, which came in handy when I needed to buy new things for my apartment. Just write a really thoughtful card about how proud you are of her/what the gift card is for.
Pale Girl Snorkeling
When I got my PhD I would have loved a gift card. I didn’t get paid until 5 weeks after starting my new job and I had a new apartment to decorate and having gift card to do that would have made me so happy. While the bag is an interesting idea, you’re unlikely to be able to get exactly what she wants/needs. An alternative could be a gift card to a place that has ethical vegan bags with a note saying you wanted to make sure she got exactly what she needed.
Museum Counsel?
All, perhaps a long shot, but has anyone served in a counsel/legal role at a museum? If so, I’d love to hear about your experiences and career path. Thanks!
anon
I would be similarly interested in hearing from someone working in a more traditional corporate role at a museum (strategy, digital, marketing, etc – realize these roles are often not under these terms or are slightly more nebulous).
CHL
My husband works in Marketing at a museum. He has worked there for 15 years and has a lot of connections to people working in similar roles at other Museums in our big city so I can try to help. The experience could vary quite a bit between a big “flagship” museum (like the Met) which probably has more corporate structure and frequently people that have come from corporate world vs. many many smaller museums where you might have someone doing a more jack of all trades kind of position. We seem to see that people either are lifers or turnover every two years but I’m not sure if that sample size is representative. I think that the corporate functions can sometimes feel “separate” from the staff that is more tied to the actual content of the museum (curators, exhibit people, etc.) because they sometimes have to be the voice of financial or legal reason and that might drive you crazy, but it can be cool passion-adjacent work. It’s interesting that I’ve noticed that it gives a different kind of career “prestige” – like my husband earns like 30% of what I make at my “boring” corporate job, but people sit up at parties when they hear where he works, because it is interesting.
Anonymous
Not quite the same, but I interned for the general counsel of a large library system in law school, which seemed like an amazing job. She got it somewhat by luck, I think-she just knew one of the higher ups in charge. It’s been a few years so the details are fuzzy, but I don’t think what she did on a day-to-day basis was really related to whatever type of law she practiced before. She was the only lawyer on staff, and it involved a lot of different issues-contracts stuff, labor & employment, some interesting freedom of speech/first amendment things.
nutella
Not me, but an acquaintance of mine just left her GC role at a major museum. There were the typical things you think about – like employment matters, contracting for certain exhibits, etc. – and then there were the things I didn’t expect as a fellow lawyer, like how much she worked with the board.
Veronica Mars
I’m shopping for a professional headshot session (thanks to Houda who inspired me to get mine redone). But since it’s spring, the traditional jewel-toned tops are out of season. Any ideas? I saw what looked like JCrew’s Tippi on a number of women in my photographer’s portfolio, so I’ll likely grab one of those on ebay. I’m also really, really tempted to do a white blazer and black blouse combo, any thoughts on how that would look? My industry is casual so I want to look professional, but not stuffy.
anon
I think a white blazer could blend into a white background. Sorry.
Anonymous
Does Boden has a bright red Ravello right now (and some gorgeous striped silk blouses, but that might be too busy). You could also look for something used on ThredUp.
Cat
There’s no rule that you have to do a jewel tone – any flattering shade will do. I’m wearing a navy silk button-down in mine – it’s a great color on me, it works for all seasons (would avoid a white blazer for this reason), and it’s professional without being Here I Am In My Blazer.
Anon
I am wearing a fuchsia top under a navy blazer in mine.
Houda
Yay. I must say, I am very happy I did it when my confidence was so low before that pitch.
My new photo looks like me. I since got that photo on my LinkedIn, my company intranet, a pitch deck, my internal CV and the access badge to client site (I won the pitch).
My confidence is much better
Veronica Mars
Awesome!! So glad to hear you’re doing well.
BabyAssociate
Any recommendations for a Barcelona food/wine walking tour? I was looking at Devour Barcelona, but would love some personal recommendations!
Anon
I would check out Gimme Some Oven – maybe even send her a message for advice. She’s a food bl0gger who gives great travel recs and she loves in Barcelona.
Anon
Love her recipes, especially soups, if anyone is looking to update their meal plans.
Anonymous
I loved all the Devour tours I went on! Highly recommend.
Pompom
Same!
Anon.
We did an evening Tapas Tour with Food Lover Tour in Barcelona and had an amazing time. Also highly recommend the Barcelona Cooking classes.
BabyAssociate
Hadn’t even thought about doing a cooking class, thank you!!!
NYCer
Hadn’t even thought about doing a cooking class, thank you!!!
Anon
Not sure what I’m looking for. Suggestions, validation… dunno
I wrote here a few weeks ago about DH being let go and basically picking up a fight about me not “letting him” help. So the good news is that that farce has ended. The bad news is that he is literally doing nothing useful all day and he still “offers” to help but anything he “helps” with is basically just task-rabbited out. While we are OK financially for now, i don’t know how long it’ll take for him to line up the next role and if that’ll entail a paycut.
I also HATE my job (toxic environment that has led to multiple coworkers being on stress-related medical leave or quitting) and am interviewing, still doing over 90% of cooking and cleaning, still doing over 50% of childcare while dealing with a job that is bat5h1t crazy. We still have supplemental childcare/sitters in addition to FT preschool.
He talks about how well deserved his break is because he has never had much time between jobs. I cannot help but bristle at this because yes, i had time between jobs when we moved for his work, but i didn’t actually have a “break” because we had no childcare and had a ton of move-related stuff to do. I’m really just having a hard time not eye-rolling him.
I really dont know how to get him to understand that he needs to be more present and do more around the house, especially when he has time.
Anon
That’s awful. I’m sorry.
Just some advice: “be more present” is *such* a woman’s way of saying something. Men do not understand nor care when you say that.
“When I didn’t have a job, I saved us money by cooking, cleaning, doing childcare, and doing moving work that would normally have cost us many thousands of dollars. We are not paying for TaskRabbit and extra childcare when you are job hunting, unless you need childcare during an interview. Also, my job is hell and I may quit within the next few months, which means you *need* something lined up. At this point, your break is on my back, and it sucks.”
CPA Lady
Agree with the language thing. My husband understood it way better when I said I wanted him to “take initiative” with household tasks, rather than saying “emotional labor” or anything vague and feeling-sy like that.
That said, OP, I totally get your frustration. The angriest and closest to divorce I’ve ever been was when my husband quit his job at the height of the recession because it was stressing him out and he wanted to “find himself”. He then spent the better part of the following year doing jack sh!t.
I had to be brutally, devastatingly honest with him about how fed up I was before he took any action. But it completely lit a fire under his @$$, he ended up going back to school and we’re doing great almost a decade later. So it can be really awful to get through, but we came out better on the other side.
NOLA
Oh, CPA Lady, what you did was so smart and I wish I’d done it myself. My ex-H got himself fired from a job that he hated, then declared that he was “going into private practice” and basically sat around napping in a recliner at an office all day while I supported us. I was so stressed that my hair was falling out, but I didn’t have the nerve to be brutally honest with him. I soooooo wish I had. I ended up losing all respect for him and he left about 6 months later.
aBr
Echoing the be more direct. No joke, I made my husband a google doc of things to do and assigned his name to it. I also included the stuff I was doing to show him, since so much of it doesn’t happen in front of him. Once he got the hang of it, he started adding stuff to it and assigning himself tasks. An yes, this is very much a know your marriage kind of thing… but, what started off as a document of “omg i can’t believe i have to do this” actually became functional.
Anonymous
“You are an adult man who is unemployed and living in this home. You must cook and clean and take care of our lives. I’m horrified you are ok with me earning all the money, doing 90% of the housework, and 50% of the childcare. You are being selfish and disrespectful and you are moving into the guest room.”
Morningstar
Can you refresh our memories on what happened/is happening for him regarding work?
Maybe quantifying his break time would help. As in deciding together he deserves some downtime, maybe a few weeks before buckling down, or takes “long weekends” by doing no chores Fri-Sun. Scheduling some down time signals you deserve a break and let’s him reset … but indefinite downtime is obviously unsustainable.
Good luck getting through this.
Anon
We made a ridiculously short notice trans-Atlantic move for his “dream” job. The job ended up imploding because he ended up disagreeing with the founders and it escalated real fast!
He has ended up with conflicts with all of his previous employers (but he quit 2 of the last 3 jobs with other offers lined up).
We are in a European country, so he is still getting paid (thank you employee-friendly laws) and will likely continue to be paid for 2 more months so my complaint is more about him being inconsiderate because even when i was on mat leave and got paid, I still did 100% of childcare and housework
Anonymous
Tell him he has to start doing the work and figure out your own exit plan from this marriage.
anne-on
Um, yeah. You don’t get to implode your job prospects 2-3 times AFTER making your spouse trail you on short notice and then determine you also get to nope out of all adult responsibilities. I’d have a serious come to Jesus talk with him. I know everyone thinks everyone advocates for divorce super quickly on this board..but if you did get divorced it sounds like you’d be still doing the same things you are now but with less stress and upheaval. What is he adding to your relationship?!?
Anonymous
To quote people smarter than me, “when someone shows you who they are, believe them.” He’s got a multi-job pattern of being difficult with employers and making rash decisions; it sounds like he’s bowing out of the employment game, he’s not being responsive to your concerns . . . What are the terms of a marriage you can live with, if he doesn’t change?
Anon
+1
Honestly, I’d DTMFA
anon a mouse
I’m sorry, he sounds really immature and it’s so hard for you to shoulder all that’s left.
On one hand, I’m sympathetic, as someone who’s never had a break between jobs. That sounds amazing. And YET. The house does not take a break. Kids do not take a break. Laundry, meals, repairs, life does not take a break. Maybe he needs a reminder that a break from working is not a break from life? And if not, anon at 10:09’s script is pretty spot-on.
Worry about yourself
Right, I’m also sympathetic because I do usually only have a month between jobs, and in addition to dedicating hours a day to a job hunt, I do like to take advantage of that newfound free time during the week by taking on household projects (usually lots of decluttering, getting the “to donate” and “recycle” bags of old clothes to where they need to go, etc.), maybe sleeping in a little each day so I start the new job refreshed, taking fitness classes that are way cheaper than the weekend and evening ones on classpass, and yeah maybe checking out some movies and shows that’ve been on my list, video games I got for Christmas and hadn’t started, or started years ago and never finished – BUT I wouldn’t prioritize those things over the stuff that *needs* to get done around the house, especially if we had a child who isn’t in school yet (but we don’t), and I certainly wouldn’t expect my working partner to do all those tasks while I sit on my butt playing Fallout 4, because I’m a grown-ash adult and I know better.
Anon
I’d get rid of the supplemental sitters now and dump the childcare on him. I’d also let the house get to pigsty level so he will have to clean it. If you keep picking up the slack for him he will never do it.
Anonymous
THIS. Just stop doing stuff (dishes, laundry, etc). Make sure your kids are fed and taken care of but leave everything else.
Anon
Reading some of the threaded responses above, in addition to forcing additional responsibility in him, I’d also be investigating divorce.
anon
Saw a colleague wearing orange Rothys this morning and they were so cute and cheerful! She was wearing a white dress with orange and yellow accents and it looked amazing. Now I’m seriously thinking about adding orange to my shoe collection.
Anyone need a $20 off code? https://share.rothys.com/x/0MB5NH
Paging Seafinch re: Avarcas
I looked up avarcas sandals after your annual summer wardrobe purchases comment yesterday. They’re are so cute! Where do you purchase yours? The Goog is bringing up Spanish manufacturers websites. Whose avarcas do you like?
JHC
https://avarcasusa.com
Seafinch
I made that original comment and I am loyal to ordering mine from the UK company Sea Salt but am not sure it matters that much.
Anonymous
Thank you!!
Seafinch
Just went back to read the comments from yesterday and my Sea Salt Avarcas are true to size, I wear an 8 US or 39 Euro.
Re bra allowance: yes, military. The justification is that the military provides all operationally required clothing. They issue underwear but due to logistics of individual bra sizing, we get an allowance. Canada for reference, don’t know about the U.S. I joke that I should make a complaint of big b00b discrimination because as a 32 HH, the allowance buys me 1.5 bras, generally, whereas it can buy a lot of a smaller /standard size.
Tippins
I’m retired US military. No bra allowance, but we did get sports bras issued to us for combat deployments.
Sticking to Financial Goals
After going in the rabbit hole of personal finance books, blogs, etc. I’ve decided to prioritize paying off my loans/building up an emergency fund in the next 2 years. Thankfully my loan isnt too huge and its all doable if I keep to a reasonably strict budget. However, I’ve noticed that a lot of my social and family life revolved around buying things. Especially with my family – we’re constantly eating out, engaging in retail therapy, etc. Lately I’ve been open about wanting to save and not go out as much/shop and offer alternatives (with emphasis on how this is MY choice and not judgment on others choices) but I often hear things like ‘dont deprive yourself’, ‘only rich people can save like that – dont overdo it’, ‘im not lucky enough to do that’. Any tips on brushing off comments like this/sticking with my financial goals?
OP
I’m also in my mid-late 20s in a major east coast city if that gives context.
Anonymous
I don’t tell anyone when I’m trying to save or to lose weight. People will sabotage you. I just quietly do it.
Anon
This is right. As with weight, people feel like your weight loss journey or savings plan reflects negatively on their own weight or spending, so they try to tell you that you’re being too extreme. It would be best not to tell them at all, but it sounds like it’s too late for that in the case of OP.
OP, the best thing you can do at this point is continue with your spending priorities but don’t keep telling people you’re trying to save $. Just say yes to the things you can afford (and that’s probably not zero) and no to the things you can’t. Try to suggest cheaper alternatives. But quit explaining why.
OP
Yeah I’ll take this approach – thanks for all the comments guys!!
I was explaining why because I wanted to be open and was honestly excited to start this journey. But was shocked at how personally people took this. Best to keep my journey to myself.
Anon
I would say no to shopping trips unless you are disciplined enough to tag along and not buy anything. And for meetups at restaurants, can you turn it into coffee instead of a meal? You can also preemptively suggest get togethers to do free or inexpensive stuff like hang out at the park on a beautiful day or check out art galleries.
Vicky Austin
Nod and smile, nod and smile. You’ve said your piece.
Also, “Only rich people can save like that” is…silly. The more money you make the more you can save, obviously, but that shouldn’t deter you from trying.
anon a mouse
“This is really important to me!”
“I know it’s a challenge, I want to see if I can do it!”
“Turns out I don’t feel deprived, and I can’t wait to pay off my debt!”
As someone who went on an aggressive debt journey a decade ago, it’s a shift, especially if — as you note — so much of your leisure actually involves spending money. A friend who got sober around the same time said that she felt like her sobriety journey was similar. We both had to figure out what we enjoyed and make new habits at the same time (obviously her journey was a lot more important, she’s still sober!). Sometimes friendships faded when I no longer prioritized paying for certain activities (spa days, pedicures). It happens. Family is tougher but you can do it. You may want to include a small amount for eating out to keep the peace along the way. I read a lot of PF blogs and books to keep me motivated. R/personalfinance on reddit is great.
Hang in there! It feels so good to be debt-free!
anon
Since it seems like they aren’t aligned with your rationales, it probably won’t work to explain why you are not spending money. I find it works really well to just propose alternatives from the start – during the summer a lot of my friends and family get excited about going for walks around local parks or even just the city. Similar activities: trying new recipes, hiking, free outdoor summer fitness classes, summer concert series (admittedly this is more folksy music but marine bands tend to play a lot during the summer and are quite good), watching a movie at home you’re haven’t seen or a classic (from Netflix if you have it or DVD from library), a lot of museums have free days during the summer and local libraries typically also have free or heavily discounted museum passes as well. Instead of “Are you free to hang out on Saturday?” and leaving the door open for them to define a spendy activity for you to do, try phrasing it as “I’m planning to check out the free yoga at the park on Saturday afternoon – any interest in joining?”.
If they say no and suggest dinners, shopping etc, just say no (“sorry, i can’t make dinner work” or “I really want to enjoy the nice weather and get outside instead of shopping” could be potential excuses). Hang in there, you’ve got the right reasons for you and are doing great!
Anon
Do you live in a city with fun free events in the summer? I’m also trying to save money, I try to preempt the invites to restaurants and similar by inviting people to free events. Like, I have a friend where we are talking about getting together next week, so I found a free outdoor movie I think she would like and was like “I saw this and thought it would be fun. Interested in coming with me?” instead of saying “I don’t want to spend the money to eat out. Let’s do something else instead.” I live in DC where there are tons of free events, and this might not work as well in other locations.
Abby
I am trying to not shop for 2019, and although I don’t have the pressure you’re experiencing, I frame it because I already have too much. I “kon mari-ed” my closet and it changes the way I think about buying new things. I also like having people over instead of going out, suggest a walk/hike, thrift shopping instead of retail, etc to cut down spending.
Anonymous
For next time — don’t talk to people about finances, even family. You’ll get 1001 opinions and 99.9% of them will be what is right for THEM, not YOU. Now that you’ve already told — ignore them and move on. If they’re going to a restaurant or shopping and you want to, fine; if you don’t because you are saving $, just beg off using the normal excuses you’d use to decline and don’t say it’s because you don’t want to drop $200 in an afternoon because that could be an extra $200 you could throw at your loan principal.
Anonymous
The concept of adaptive clothing is great, but why was it necessary to make this dress so hideously frumpy? The fake buttons are the worst part–so obvious and unnecessary. The whole design screams “Look at me! I am not a normal dress!” The goal should be to make the dress simple and stylish, with the adaptive features invisibly integrated instead of being the main visual focus.
Anonymous
Oh huh. I thought the dress was super cute, can’t tell at all it is adaptive, and was considering buying it as some who doesn’t need adaptive clothing
Anon
Same
Anon
Yeah I think it’s really cute, they just didn’t style it will in the photo imo.
Anon
I also thought the dress looked frumpy and I didn’t read the description to see that it was adaptive. IMO, I think it looks frumpy because it is a cut that is out of style.
Anonymous
I benefit from adaptive clothing and will pass this up for several reasons. On a person of my height and figure, I think it will look too youthful. I’m not sure what’s going on with the snaps, but the top button makes the neckline look too low. Hopefully the snaps are located in places that will keep everything covered and avoid any gaps, but I still don’t like the idea of the buttons being so obviously fake. Finally, this is more of a Tommy Hilfiger problem, but the stripes and colors read kind of “big box store employee uniform” to me.
Anon
+1 Also I don’t think the color blocking is doing the dress any favors.
Anonymous
That’s funny, I thought it was the shoes. I thought it was a cute dress otherwise (if a bit casual).
LaurenB
I agree completely. I think it’s wonderful they wanted to make an adaptive dress, but even before reading it, I thought – looks like what a special-needs individual would wear. Really bad. Why can’t they just make the usual cute stuff and make it easier for people with disabilities to wear?
Anon
Has anyone quit BigLaw and become a legal manager or a product manager in a legal-related area? I do love many aspects of what I do: I’m in a regulatory role, so lots of research, providing verbal or written counsel in the form of memos and emails, policy advocacy. But I don’t like the biglaw part of it, and am starting to explore interesting jobs outside of biglaw.
Anon
Lawyers are a great fit in a variety of product roles- especially in FinTech, HealthTech or any other regulated industry.
I’m a product manager in FinTech and about 30% of my time is spent on legal stuff. A coworker (developer) was a biglaw associate.
Anonymous
Random request–I am looking for a nice wooden bowl or box with a lid (needs to be fairly secure). Does anyone know of any good vendors on etsy or similar who sell something like this or could make something custom?
Winter
So, I am in LA today, somewhat near what appears to be a huge jewelry district. Any advice on that? Any particular stores known for good deals, good quality? Anything to be careful of?
Celia
Don’t be afraid to haggle! The Jewelry District also has some terrific Middle-Eastern restaurants as well as funky new places. The window shopping alone is worth it.
Anon for this
Fun yard/outdoor games for parties? I am planning an afternoon/early evening family party to celebrate my spouse’s major work accomplishment. Will take place in late July in northeast state. Guests include 12 kids between ages of 3 and 14. Playroom downstairs has air hockey table, magnetic dart board, and ping pong table to keep older kids entertained.
I was thinking about getting a corn hole game for outside. What other yard/outdoor games do you suggest for kids? Of course, I’ll get bubbles and sidewalk chalk for the younger ones.
anon
bocce, frisbees, croquet
Rainbow Hair
Ha, well, bubbles and sidewalk chalk were going to be my first suggestions!
The younger end will also likely be fascinated by pouring/dumping. So like, the fancy version is to borrow a water table from a neighbor. The less fancy version is to put a tub of water out (use judgment about the height of the tub/depth of the water/safety of the kids, of course. what works for us is a big tupperware type deal on a little end table) + funnels and spoons and measuring cups and plastic drinking glasses. Maybe some big sponges? Lord knows why, but kids looove scooping and dumping water.
You can get some big bouncy plastic balls, too — the kind you can get at the end of an aisle at Target for $2.
anon in brooklyn
Kubb!! Don’t be surprised if the adults play too.
Anon for this
OP here –
This looks awesome!
Thanks everyone for your suggestions!
Abby
I’m 27 and played Kubb 5+ times this past weekend. Great game!
Shenandoah
+1 to Kubb. Although it’s probably better for the older kids (and adults!).
Vicky Austin
LOVE Kubb!
Anon
Ladder golf! Giant jenga!
MagicUnicorn
Yard Jenga, yard Yahtzee, yard Twister, Ladderball?
Frilly Lizard
+1 to Yard Yahtzee! I got my parents a custom one from Etsy for Christmas a few years ago and it has been a HUGE win.
Anonymous
Stomp rockets, especially if you have a relatively tree-less area
Anonymous
Hula hoops!
Anon
Awkward request
I am sending out invitations to an event and I am including the names of everyone who is invited – so for a couple I would put both names.
I need to invite a woman who I am mostly in touch with on Facebook, but I am not clear on whether she is still married. Her husband used to show up in her posts but now he doesn’t. (He did not die, I still see him around.) They have three middle school to high school aged kids.
I suppose you wouldn’t announce a divorce on Facebook but I’m not sure how to find out. I
checked her profile and it says “in a relationship” but it doesn’t say with whom.
Since I know the husband socially, I feel like it would be weird for me to invite “Jane +1” if he is still in the picture. On the other hand, if he is not, it might be hurtful to receive a “Jane + John” invitation.
How would you go about trying to figure this out. I have acquaintances in common with her, but we are not close enough that I can call and say “hey it’s me, your acquaintance from a former job you haven’t spoken to in three years, anyway, is Jane divorced?”
Anon
Can you check your state’s divorce records? I’m in Connecticut and could easily find out if someone was divorced in the last 6 years.
Anon
If she didn’t tell you she’s getting divorced, I’d just include her and the husband. Better than not including her. Otherwise, you can just text her and mention it and ask if Husband will be joining.
Casper
Does your state have court records online? You could look up whether they’ve filed for divorce. Only works if they’ve actually filed and haven’t just separated
Morningstar
I think questioning your network is more awkward than the simple Jane +1 or even Jane & John. I’d probably assume they’re still together and let them rsvp or let Jane tell you about the split, etc. It seems weird to assume they’re divorced or that they would expect you to know that.
Anonymous
I would send it Jane and husband. She was married to him, and I think its less awkward and fairly common to get an invite including husband after a divorce than to start nosing around for info. Esp b.c if she’s not divorced, you could start rumors. I dont think inspecting someone’s facebook and seeing a lack of husband posts is anywhere near strong enough evidence to assume divorce or start asking third parties about it. Every divorced person on earth would understand getting an invitation addressed to them with their former spouse. Its not a big deal, they have three kids together. If they’re divorced, she’ll just treat it as a plus 1. NBD
Anon
+1. Way less weird to invite a possibly ex husband than to go snooping around for her divorce records! If they have three kids together, they were married for a long time, this isn’t the first time she’ll have to tell someone “Thanks so much for the invite, but it will just be me, John and I aren’t together anymore.”
Anon
Thanks! I’m sure you’re right. I was just trying not to be hurtful.
Anon
OP my “way less weird” comment was aimed at the Anon at 12:54 who suggested looking up the divorce records, not at you. You’re being very thoughtful!
Anon
Well I will admit I’m curious. They were one of those enviable couples. And there were so many social media pictures of them as a family all together that the absence of the husband from all recent photos is glaring. But I’m sure I will eventually find out what’s going on. Today’s task is to get the invitation addressed!
Vicky Austin
Why not just invite Jane? If she wants to bring John, she’ll ask.
Anon
Eh I disagree. A lot of people don’t feel comfortable asking “Can John come?” especially if the event is to somethin formal and expensive for the hosts (like a wedding). If she is inviting couples and wants Jane to bring her partner, she needs to invite them both.
Senior Attorney
Yes and if they are married it is a huge faux pas to invite on spouse without the other. (Unless it’s something like a girls’ night or whatever.)
Salt Lake City Moving?
I’m thinking of moving to Salt Lake City as a non-Mormon and need some intel on the city. How do I find out more about the culture of a place before moving? I’ll be in town visiting shortly for an interview. (Also – any recs for being there for a couple days? Restaurants?)
I have a young family and schools would be important – is there a go-to website for neighborhoods / determining how good schools are?
Thanks!
Anon
I was going to post this same question but totally spaced! Will be eagerly following for answers. One thing that you might want to think about is air quality. SLC gets bad inversions in the winter and that’s a deterrent for me in my considerations about moving there, but I want to learn more.
Anon
Ha, I read this as “invasions” and I was like “Invasions of what???”
No SLC-specific experience, but Great Schools is useful in general.
Vicky Austin
Caveat that I have never lived in SLC and am not Mormon, but I’ve spent plenty of time in SLC and with Mormons, and many non-Mormon family members have lived there or in other parts of Utah.
SLC as a city can be really hip, fun, and even progressive. It has its own little blue enclaves, to quote recent discussions, if you are worried about that. A lot of the super outdoorsy crowd find their way there because of Park City. In some polls it has a larger gay population as a percentage of the whole than San Francisco (or did? that may have been a few years ago). My husband was born there and his parents had a perfectly fine life there until they moved when DH was a year old, but they did feel a little outsider-y sometimes, despite not being new to having Mormon neighbors.
That said, with a young family you will be in the same phase of life as a good chunk of Mormons (even if the parents are younger than you by several years!), so it might be tough to find a good, solid circle of friends who aren’t Mormon but are parents of young kids. You decide what that means for you, but I wouldn’t underestimate how hard it would be to find those people. Mormons are almost always perfectly polite people (regardless of what they believe – and there are Mormons who vote Democrat, believe it or not!) and try to raise well-behaved kids, but being super good friends with them is a different beast that I would personally prefer to avoid. YMMV, of course.
Anonymous
Hi, non-Mormon SLC native here. The culture is kind of wacky, you’re smart to consider it as part of your decision-making. Where will be you be staying for your interview? What kind of food do you like? If you want to post a burner email, I’d be happy to talk more and provide some thoughts/recommendations.
Salt Lake City Moving?
That would be great, thanks! I’m staying at the Holiday Inn Express downtown and will have a rental car. I’m into food, but also vegetarian which can put a damper on things. Would love a mexican recc and need a place to get good coffee!
burner ette 19 at g mail dot com (no spaces).
Anonymous
I’ve worked at 3 law firms in my career and have encountered a new reoccurring problem that I’m wondering if others have dealt with. As a litigation associate, I’m being held accountable for my boss’s assistant’s mistakes. For example, I go to court, give opposing counsel said assistant’s contact info to send the order (this is standard in my jx), come back, tell her “So and so will email you the order, please calendar the next date”. She never receives the order, doesn’t follow up, doesn’t calendar anything, I don’t think about it until I receive a phone call that I missed a court date. I then get scolded by boss. I’m thinking, wait a minute, why am I the one being scolded here? I’m supposed to follow up with some one else’s assistant that she did in fact receive an email? That feels like making me an assistant’s assistant and was not the norm at the other firms.
Anonymous
You’re wrong bro sorry. It is your job to make sure stuff gets done. Start giving your own contact info.
I was always taught that it is never acceptable to blame a secretary. The responsibility lies with you.
Anon
Yeah, even something like following up with the assistant and asking, hey did you ever receive X? And if the assistant did not, it’s on you to make sure that happens. Just like the associate always has to check a paralegal’s work, same with following up with anything you’ve asked your assistant to do (if you’re not already CC’d).
Frilly Lizard
I’m going to have to concur with the other replies…. as the defacto office manager and assistant to the managers in my office (among 27 other job titles), if one of the manager’s said “you should be receiving an email from so-and-so; please schedule a meeting and send me an invite”, I would keep an eye out for an email. If I didn’t get one, I might let them know that I never got it, but chances are I wouldn’t (especially if they didn’t literally say “let me know if you don’t receive it by such-and-such a date”.
I run an office of 45 engineers among other things…. you need to tell me EXACTLY what you want, otherwise I’ll do as you say because 44 other people are asking for the same or similar. While we are good, admins can’t read your mind.
Anonymous
OP here, fair enough. This wasn’t how things operated at my former firms but they weren’t the most functional offices. Time to learn to do things differently! Thanks all.
S
Has anyone traveled to Iran as an American? It’s been on my bucket list for a long time – the culture, history, architecture are really fascinating to me – and I’m going to have a business trip in Dubai in the next few months so I thought why not try to go while I”m in the region? I’m intimidated by the whole visa process and by needing to hire a tour company – wish I could just travel solo. Any experience or tips?
BabyAssociate
I haven’t been, but also would really like to go. I’m not much of a tour person either, but it is absolutely a requirement. There’s a tour with Intrepid Travel that looks really interesting: https://www.intrepidtravel.com/us/iran/iran-womens-expedition-115932.
AnonZ
I went a couple years ago through Intrepid Travel. It was amazing and I highly recommend you go.
I did a lot of research ahead of time, and the people who are most likely to encounter issues there are people with Iranian/Persian heritage. They will ask you for your father’s name and occupation as part of the visa process because they do not recognize dual citizenship and if you were born to an Iranian father, you are technically an Iranian. You can find stories online of people who were detained (and their US passports confiscated) under those circumstances but I’m assuming that doesn’t apply to you. Also – don’t up and marry an Iranian dude while you’re there! Because then you’ll need his permission to leave the country.
The visa process was the most intimidating part – once I was in the country, I felt totally fine and safe. Much like in America, there is often a big difference between government attitudes and policies, and the attitudes of the individual citizens. I did not experience any anti-American sentiment from the Iranians I interacted with; my group was a mix of different nationalities so I’m not sure it was always clear that I am American.
BabyAssociate
“Much like in America, there is often a big difference between government attitudes and policies, and the attitudes of the individual citizens.” This is very much what I’ve heard from other friends who have been and Iranian-American friends. Everyone has said that the Iranians they interacted with were perfectly lovely. Very jealous, but glad to hear you had a good experience!
Anon
Check out the blog Heart My Backpack. She’s traveled there and loved it.
SFAttorney
Also check out the book Couchsurfing in Iran.
JB
Traveled there a few years ago with a small group of friends so we hired our own Iranian government approved tour guide. It was great experience and eye-opening for me to really see that people are not the government, as stated above. We found the people quite hospitable and I enjoyed the tourist sites. I would caution that you are limited in being able to wander around and explore which I missed compared to visiting other countries. However, compared to other Middle Eastern and North African countries I’ve traveled to, Iran surprisingly seemed to be the most progressive in individual’s views. Of course that could be selection bias of the people we met.
Also, do know that you will not be able to get a visa if you have a passport stamp from Israel (in current passport).
Anon
Can any Broadway tour season ticket holders help me out? I bought tickets to my city’s Broadway season this upcoming year because Hamilton is one of the shows and I wanted to guarantee I could see it. However the date I got assigned for Hamilton is the worst possible date for me (it’s in my city for 3 weekends). I’m trying to switch to a different weekend, but even for the same day of the week, same seating type (nosebleed), same show time, it’s quoting me a very high price (hundreds of dollars) to “exchange” my ticket. I just checked some other less popular shows and tried to switch my ticket from Saturday matinee to Sunday matinee and it’s asking me to pay $70 (it says the ticket face value is $95 and I “paid” only $25, which I guess is the amortized season ticket price). Is this always the case when you try to exchange tickets as a subscriber? I assumed you could switch days for free unless you were trying to upgrade your seat or switch to a more popular showtime, but it seems like it’s always going to tell me I paid way less than “face value” and will have to make-up the difference.
Anon
I think since you’re saying “it’s” you’re trying to do this online. I would call the box office. They are usually much more understanding and flexible.
Gail the Goldfish
Agree with calling the box office, who should be able to explain it. The short answer is that shouldn’t be the case in theory, but the problem I ran into last year when Hamilton was part of our Broadway tour package was because it was such a popular show, they had sold out of season tickets and there were basically no tickets left in my tier to exchange for for any of the shows, so there was a price difference (if they could even find a seat to exchange for). For Hamilton in particular, I think we could also only exchange for dates that were season ticket holder dates (which was only a week), even though Hamilton was running for a month.
Bee
I ran into a bit of an uncomfortable but ultimately meaningless semi-professional interaction today, and I’m curious if I’m overthinking it: I’m in my mid 20s and just left my first job out of college. There, I was on a project that involved working with an external vendor. This past spring, the vendor sales reps were in town and took me and the rest of my team out to dinner, during which I was seated next to the youngest sales guy (early 30s, married). We got along well and had an extended conversation, but it was very much a standard business dinner.
In the months following, he messaged me on LinkedIn a few times, all innocuous stuff related to work that probably should’ve been directed to my work email, but I wrote it off as him being a sales guy and wanting to keep a banter/relationship going. He mentioned in one of these messages that he was planning on visiting my city again this summer, and he would reach out to coordinate something with my team. IMO, that probably should’ve been directed to my manager, but I didn’t think too much of it.
I recently left that job and just updated my LinkedIn with my new position. He messaged me congratulating me on the new job and said that he would still like to meet up when he’s in my city this summer. Am I right to feel that this is….not super above board? I’m truly not sure if this is standard B2B sales tactics or if he’s trying to hit me up. Either way, I’m entirely uninterested but would be curious to hear from other ‘rettes with more experience if I should expect this in the future when dealing with other vendors. FWIW, he didn’t give of any kind of creepy vibe when I met him in person.
Anonymous
Without seeing the previous LinkedIn messages, I think this is very normal B2B sales team behavior. He’s doing exactly what I would expect my sales colleagues to do – follow up with a contact who moved to a company that could be a potential new customer. If you want to meet up, keep it to daytime coffee so you’re squarely in business territory.
Anon
Agree with this and the others. Nothing about this raises a red or even yellow flag for me. But, if it does for you, it’s not wrong to be very safe, or even not agree–especially true if you don’t think the connection is valuable to either of you going forward.
Anon
I wouldn’t think twice about this as innocuous business sales tactics — unless you’re getting some sort of vibes from him. I think a lot of people treat LinkedIn as similar to work email.
Anon
Seems pretty standard sales person style to me