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Cap-toe details on ballet flats are nothing new — and yet this flat from Aeyde feels fresh because of the square toe and unusual shape of the cap toe. It feels really modern but classic!
The flat is $295, available at Nordstrom and NET-A-PORTER, as well as other department stores.
Looking for something similar? This $205 option from French Sole is a classic and has been well-reviewed for years — you can find a slightly plainer version at Tuckernuck for $168. The classic Ferragamo also comes in a cap toe version right now (but is $780). On the more affordable side, Franco Sarto also has a slightly unusual cap toe flat right now for $140.
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
At Home IPL?
Has anyone here used one of the at-home IPL devices and have any feedback? Braun? Nood? Others? The reviews online are mixed with people either loving it or hating it, so I thought I would see if any of you have feedback. Thanks!
Anne-on
No experience but following with interest. I’m so annoyed by waxing and don’t have the schedule flexibility to try to do the laser hair sessions (why are those medispa places only open 9-5, you think they’d realize there is a market for 6pm appointments for working women!).
Anonymous
I have a Braun model from target (old model, no longer for sale). I really like it and have seen moderate success.
Reviews for all models are always going to be all over the board; laser hair removal (even professional) is very hit or miss if a) it works for you and b) if it lasts. While they say it works best for those with pale skin and dark hair, it’s still a gamble. The only way to find out if it will work for you is to try it.
Anon
Shameless plus for going to a salon for laser. I wouldn’t trust the at home versions and I actually find it painful so I wouldn’t be able to do it myself. I really don’t shave at all and have gotten my legs, bikini and underarms done. It’s the best and 100% worth it. I also have pale skin and dark hair.
PLB
I agree. I am a brown-skinned black woman and laser hair removal has been the best cosmetic procedure I’ve had done, hands down.
Anon
At home IPL devices are not laser, it’s a different technology.
Anon
I only just started with Nood a few weeks ago, doing it twice a week and have not seen results yet (it’s supposed to take 8, I believe).
On thing I didn’t appreciate was the time. You have to flash each area 3x in each session. This means that, if you want to do your full legs, it’s going to take you over an hour each time. I’m currently doing my armpits and lower legs to see how it goes.
It is easy to use, I put on a tv show while I’m doing it. It has an automatic setting, so you do t have to keep pushing the button for every zap. There are 7 levels, and I usually go 7 on my legs, 4 on my knees, and 5 on my armpits. It’s a little zap feeling if I go higher. Usually takes me about 30-40min for those areas.
Melissa
I have a been using the Braun mini for 2-ish months (weekly treatments) on my legs and I love it. I have pale skin and dark hair and my legs have never looked smooth even if I just shaved. I now shave once a week right before I do the treatment and that’s it. I have done laser in the past (not on legs though) and found it much more painful. There is no pain with this as long as you shave well first. It does take time but you are only supposed to go over each area once with the Braun so maybe 20-30 mins for me.
Anon
Link please? Or I will fling the wrong one into my cart.
Melissa
model is “Silk Expert Mini PL1014″on the river site
Anecdata
I got an off brand one from Amazon and intentionally used it on one armpit and one leg to see if it made a difference… and in ~4 weeks it did not. I have pretty pale skin and dark hair. Agree with the time to do it…it did feel like maybe it would have had an impact if I kept using it
anon
I picked up the braun silk expert pro 5 in march of this year. I have pale-ish skin and dark hair, and have had my armpits and bikini area done professionally. I wanted this for my legs and it has definitely reduced the hair. I also read thru all the river site comments and followed the advice of some people to use it every few days or so, and that accelerated my results. It was obvs cheaper than a professional and did not hurt as much (likely because it’s not as powerful, so also takes more time) but I like just being able to use it whenever I want. It also helped with a few strays in the areas I’ve had professionally done because I was too lazy to go back for touch up appts. While it reduced the hair on my legs, it seems I now can get more of a peach fuzz type hair growing, which I can feel but is not as prickly and it also not obvious to the naked eye, unlike the dark hair that was there before it.
Anonymous
Anybody with light or blond hairs having any luck?
Anon
I have a no-name brand one from Amazon and it works amazingly well. I have PCOS and have thick, dark hairs that grow in on my inner thighs, and also on my feet and toes, and the device I got made all the hair disappear within about 8 uses. I did have to use it repeatedly, especially on my big toes, but I was blown away by how well it worked. I just got oral minoxidil for head hair loss, and my doctor warned me about body-hair growth – I wasn’t worried at all because I know I can take care of it with my IPL device. And also – no burns, no rashes, nothing like that. I do have pretty fair skin and the hair that grows in is dark, so pretty much ideal for IPL.
Anon
I have the Braun one, the one with the widest attachment, and it’s working pretty well for me. After 6 weeks, I didn’t need to shave for a couple months. They say that the bikini area is one of the more difficult areas to treat, but on me I had great (maybe permanent?) results there. It was completely painless. Legs/bikini/underarm takes about 30 minutes once a week. I probably need to do another round but I’m pretty pleased with the purchase. For me it’s cheaper and better than waxing.
Anon
Am I the only one who thinks the strange shape of the cap toe on the featured shoes makes them look like a horse’s hoof?
Anon
It was my first thought.
Anon
I cannot unsee this.
anonshmanon
same!
Anon
More like a cow hoof but yes.
Anon
I see it, but I like them. These seem so much more current than all the cap-toe, ballet flats offered as alternatives.
Anon
It does but I’d probably buy them just for that reason! Unfortunately I can’t wear completely flat shoes.
Anon
Nay!
Neigh!
Neeeiiigh!!
Anon
You win!
Chl
Anyone have any specific recommendations for a business black tie dinner. I’ve looked at the online photos and it’s things like black dresses that are somewhere between business and formal or some kind of evening jacket. This is not my world and I don’t even know where one finds these things. Thanks!
Anne-on
This is where I would go straight to a personal shopper at Nordstroms/Saks OR the nearest fancy bridal store (nearly all of them also carry evening wear).
Anonymous
Brooks Brothers
Anon
I’ve been to several of these events, and I usually see women in less revealing evening gowns (no strapless or spaghetti straps) or dark suits. I would wear a long black dress, carry an interesting small bag that also fits busines cards, and statement jewelry.
Anne-on
I just saw this and it’s so pretty! I think the advice below is right – some sparkle or other element that makes it feel special, but keep it modest – not crazy tight, not too short or too or low cut, etc.
https://www.nordstrom.com/s/betsy-adam-halter-mock-neck-crinkle-faux-wrap-gown/6631763?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWedding%20Shop%2FWedding%20Guest%2FWomen%2FBlack%20Tie%20%26%20Formal&color=301
NYNY
This feels like a British category to me, so I would look at the “occasionwear” sections of The Fold, Hobbs, possibly Reiss.
NYNY
Oh wow, Jigsaw has a hot pink tuxedo that would be amazing if it’s not too much for your industry:
https://www.jigsaw-online.com/collections/occasionwear/products/belted-tuxedo-jacket-pink (link to jacket, and image shows with matching pants)
Anon
Is it a workday or weekend? If it is a weekday, it is likely that attire (on working women) will be more subdued than if it is on the weekend, but not flashy in either case.
anon
Where ones finds these things is at the old school department stores (Saks, Neimans, Nordstroms). Most of them are doing their annual clearance sales, so it is just a matter of going in and trying stuff on. When a dress code is specifically black tie – most of the time, they really do mean it. You should aim for either a lady tux or formal dress. When work peeps are involved, I generally steer towards dresses that are classy and have structure. Think dĂ©colletage OK, cleavage not so much and zero risk of accidental slippage. My preference is for fabric that has some heft since I don’t like spanx.
Anon
How is Pottery Barn’s bedding, specifically quilts and coverlets? Does their full/queen size adequately fit a queen sized bed? I feel like sometimes things don’t stand their first trip to the dryer without shrinking, so this is a big concern. Their quilts have a nice look, like they are actually pieced.
And regardless, is there some bedding place that is sort a cross b/w Lilly Pulitzer (bright colors) and Company Store? I am a bit tired of a tranquil bedroom with peaceful all-whites. I have all-white towels and sheets. I need some colors. Not anything like LoveShackFancy — that is a bit to saccharine-sweet for me.
Senior Attorney
I have their diamond linen quilt and it’s still going strong after sevenish years. I generally send it out to be washed but I have run it through the washer and dryer at least once, with no ill effects. Can’t comment on the size but when I had a queen sized bed I would always get a king sized duvet and I felt like that worked out better.
NYCer
We have the cloud quilt on one of the queen beds in our house. I really like the look. It has only been 6 months, so I can’t comment on long term quality. We have washed in the washing machine and dryer though, and I did not notice any shrinkage or other issues.
Formerly Lilly
Garnet Hill has some interesting linens. They still charge a shipping fee though. If you want to go all out on pattern and color, there’s Marimekko. I’ve always liked their blue floral Unniko pattern. I haven’t bought any linens from them but can say that the clothing and bags are of good quality.
Runcible Spoon
+1 regarding Garnet Hill — excellent quality and fabulous designs.
Cat
We’ve been happy with PB’s linen quilted pieces.
Also take a look at Annie Selke.
Anne-on
I’ve just bought some quilts from Muslin Comfort for summer as my husband sleeps hot and I really like those. They wash/wear well and have some nicely saturated colors.
Anon
Since people are mentioning linen, I know linen specifically can be very long lasting if you take it out of the dryer slightly damp and air dry till completely dry. Apparently drying it till it’s bone dry is really hard on linen, but following that one rule makes a big difference. (My dryer actually has a “almost dry” setting, so this makes it easy!)
I think bright, saturated colors are trendy in bedding right now, so you should be able to find something! Just the other day, someone here recommended Razai quilts on Etsy.
Laura
I commented earlier this week that I love their Tencel tufted quilt. Can’t comment on a queen, but our king size bedding fits well with plenty of fabric.
Laura
I commented earlier this week that I love our Tencel tufted quilt. Can’t speak to a queen, but our king size bedding fits very generously.
AIMS
Love PB quilts. If you want something more unusual, check out Anthropologie quilts and also Roller Rabbit blankets. Garnet hill is another good recommendation but not too different from the PB and Company Store.
Merritt Dupe?
I like the M.M.LaFleur Merritt Jardigan but am not a fan of the colors that are available. Anyone know of other cardigans/jardigans with a similar style (belt and lapels or shawl collar) in more vibrant colors or jewel tones? I am willing to spend up to $350 but would like to be more excited about the color. Thanks!
https://mmlafleur.com/products/merritt-jardigan-latte
Emma
Is there a non-harmful way to repel cats? A neighbor’s cat (not a street cat, has a collar) has taken to hanging out in my (fenced) yard. This is a problem because I let my dog roam unleashed in there, and it’s the third time the dog corners the cat somewhere, and there’s a minor fight between the two before the cat manages to escape (so far no physical contact because my dog is all bark and no bite) and now I’ve noticed my porch smells like cat urine so I assume the cat has come to retaliate when the dog isn’t around. My dog doesn’t potty on the porch and the porch is my baby playing area so I would like it not to be gross. I’m also worried that eventually the cat and dog will get into a real fight and someone will get hurt. So, I’m an animal lover but really wish this cat would stay away – any ideas?
Anonymous
Spray the cat with the hose or a squirt bottle whenever you see it. I wouldn’t stop your dog from defending its territory. That is likely to be the most effective thing. If you smell cat pee on the deck, make sure you wash it down and spray it with a pet deterrent spray.
I hate how people let cats roam. It’s so bad for the bird populations.
Anon
Cats respect the territory of other cats better than they respect the territory of other creatures. There are sometimes ways to persuade a cat that someone’s yard is “taken” though as you can guess this might involve more urine (but you could try just borrowing some cat fur from someone, some chewed twigs, anything to indicate the presence of a cat).
anon
I can’t remember the exact name of the product. I think it is a Scarecrow? It’s a motion activated device you can attach to a hose and it will trigger a spray of water. We used it with mild success in our old house when a neighbor cat would come over and agitate my indoor cats.
How does the cat get into the fenced area? Are there any ways to block it off?
Emma
Based on watching him escape, he ninja crawls up and down our wooden fence, which is pretty tall, so I’m not sure what else I could do…
Anon
Someone was just recommending an air puff version of this to me. Apparently they really hate the air puffs.
Anon
i really hate performance evaluation stuff. i understand the idea behind SMART goals, but sometimes things don’t need to be increased/improved, and just need to be maintained!
Anon
I hate that aspect of them too. But I am a lazy individual contributor who just wants to continue my “meets expectations” mediocrity in peace! I see why employers want continual improvement.
Anonymous
Amen sister. I’m burned out and done with striving.
Anon
Can you make the goal “continue to achieve X”?
Anon
Instead of using “maintained”, could you just state the current level? “Perform X deliveries per month?”, “Current% on time delivery of deliverables.”, “Review and approve Normal % of items”?
I know since this is end of year performance eval, it’s not feasible right now, but that’s what I’d recommend.
Anonymous
If they need to be maintained, what does that mean. E.g. maintain zero xyz incidents could be a an objective, with key results that help drive to zero.
anon
Speaking of this… something I always have trouble with as an in-house lawyer is what should my goals be? I am a generalist and there aren’t many metrics that we track on a day-to-day basis.
Anonia
Someone mentioned kilts in a comment this morning and it reminded me that I would love to have a kilt or kilt like skirt. Anybody have any recommendations? Plus sizes, generally wear blues, greens, and blacks. I know kilts are not in style, but I’d love to have one anyway. Thanks!
Anon
I love my kilt! Not much help to you as I found it at an op shop.
Anonymous
Try Etsy.
Anon
Curious if anyone knows what this is: I have a red bump on my shin. It looks like a mosquito bite but it’s been there for a long time (like a year). It doesn’t hurt. There’s no surrounding rash. I’m going to the dermatologist but my appointment is a few weeks away. Anyone experience this or have ideas of what it could be?
Anonymous
Maybe a cyst. If you poke it with a needle does stuff come out?
Katherine Vigneras
Could be an ingrown hair or a small cyst. Derm is a good plan. If you’re really worried, primary care could take a look.
BeenThatGuy
I have several of these on my legs. A dermatologist told me that they were bug bites where the stinger never left my skin and then new skin grew over it. Removing them would cause a scar larger than what was already there. I’ve just accepted them.
Anon
Is that really a thing? I don’t think bugs leave stingers when they bite you, just when they sting you.
Cat
ok clearly the ref to a bug bite was meant to be the sting, not literally that a bee or whatever bit you and then stung you.
Anon
Are people getting stung by bees that often? I always get covered in bug bites but I’ve only been stung by a flying insect once.
Anonymous
I have one on my arm – ugly red raised lump. Derm said it’s just a bug bite that didn’t heal well.
AIMS
I have something like this on my foot where I previously had a new shoe blister that never healed. I asked my doctor and she said it looked like scar tissue that was healing very slowly and that she wasn’t concerned. Is there anything that you can recall that may have caused this?
editor
Has anyone tried compression leggings/tights?
Anonymous
For what? I wear compression socks when my feet swell, and they definitely help.
Anon
Yes. TLC Sport UK is my preferred brand of compression legging (very comfortable and soft, not plasticy or scratchy).
For medical grade compression (the kind you need a slip sock if open toe or elsewise a stockings donner to put on), I buy Briteleaf. I use these a lot less often since they’re less comfortable, but I do wear them on flights.
Shanananana
Having one of those everything is putting me in a bad mood days. Normally I would go outside and sit in the sun and blast happy music in my headphones for 20 mins to reset my brain but it is storming today. I tried sunlamp and music but it is not working. What are your personal snap out of this crankiness tricks?
Anon
A shower!
bird in flight
I never think that a shower is going to work but it always does!
Anonymous
I like to throw everyone out of the kitchen and bake one of my favorite sweet things.
Anon
Drinks: big glass of water in one hand and a tea, coffee, hot chocolate, glass of wine in the other.
Some shoulder rolls and desk stretches.
Text a few of my favourite people to see how they are.
I hope you feel happier soon.
Anon
Light a scented candle, let a cup of tea steep while I do a ten minute yoga video, and tell myself I can add a splash of whiskey to the tea if I’m still in a bad mood post yoga. I usually end up skipping the whiskey.
Anon
When you feel like everyone hates you, sleep
When you feel like you hate everyone, eat something.
When you feel like you hate yourself, take a shower.
Anon
What’s the deal with Stanley cups? Is there something about them that makes drinking water amazing and I’m just missing out? Or are they truly just popular because of TikTok or whatever?
Anon
Just TikTok
New Here
Definitely popular because of TikTok, but I do like mine (received as a gift)! It keeps water cold, I like that it fits in my car cupholder, and the handle makes it easy to carry when I’m also attempting to carry 438902 other things.
Shanananana
I drink more water when its super cold and there is a straw and the stanley cup keeps its super cold – there is still ice in it when left on my bedside table overnight. I also have what I term new pretty cup syndrome where I drink more water out of my new pretty magic cup until the magic wears off. I have contemplated a water bottle swap with friends to save money cause my brain refuses to accept the water is the same out of any cup.
Anon
When people first started talking about these I thought they were talking about Hockey.
Senior Attorney
Heh that was my thought when I saw this thread!
Anonymous
Haha, same!
Anonymous
Similar to but cheaper than Yeti.
Anon
They’re a classic camping brand. Aren’t Nalgenes having a moment for TikTok reasons too? They’re both classics for a reason though.
Anonymous
Oh no, do I have to give my yeti away? 🙄
Anon 2.0
I bought the $15 Arctic Trail version at WM. I do really like it bc its large but also fits in a cupholder. Not sure I’d spring for the full priced Stanley though.
Grumpfrump
rampant consumerism culture + social media + some Mad Men-level ad campaign launched during covid
bird in flight
I’ve been using the Stanley 40 oz for about a year. Before that I used the a 40 oz hydro flask with a straw lid for many years. I fill in the morning and halfway through the day.
The definitely kept the Hyrdoflask kept the water/ice colder longer than the Stanley. I’ll switch back every now and then to my old Hydroflask and notice a difference. The Hydroflask straw lid I used was the flex straw style, so it folded in and out and I’m sure that’s why it kept things colder longer – the cap was definitely more watertight. However I really like the straw lid on the Stanley and that it fits in my cupholder. I grew to really dislike that the hydroflask didn’t fit in my cupholder. The Stanley straw is also easier to drink out of – just requires slightly less suction effort. I don’t like that I can’t throw the Stanley in a work bag without it leaking. LOL, definitely pluses and minuses to each.
I think if you haven’t been drinking out of an insulated bottle with a straw, and you like cold water, you will drink more water out of a large insulated bottle with a straw. Whether that has to be THE Stanley or not, probably not. The Stanley is probably just because of influencers.
Anon
I don’t have a stanley cup, but have multiple hyrdroflasks which I understand to be basically the same thing. I only like really cold water, and they keep the water cold for many hours. It means I drink a lot more water.
Anon
I don’t get it, but I also didn’t get the Yeti thing until I tried one and now I own like 5 of them.
Anon
They’re just cups.
hart
The wedding question this morning got me thinking about an issue I am having right now but with a funeral.
My core group of friends is 5 of us and we are tight, in a “text chain every day to stay in touch and see each other a few times a year at least in person, even during covid” way, not necessarily in a “share every detail of my life” way if that makes sense.
One of the friends, S, is in a rough patch in her marriage, though frankly the whole marriage has been rough and none of the rest of us particularly like him (that’s the kindest way I can say it!). In news surprising none of she recently discovered he has been cheating.
They had a pre-planned family vacation (with the kid) that she decided to keep; during it, one of our other friends in the core group sadly lost her mother after a long illness.
S decided not to come to the funeral, which was only a two hour drive away from her vacation spot, because she implied this vacation was the last resort for saving her marriage.
I am hugely disappointed in her and have actively been working on letting it go. Of course, this is building on years of resentment for her continuing to stay with an emotional and financial abuser, which I know is not what the textbooks and dv hotlines recommend but is truly how I feel. She could have spent 5 hours away from her cheating husband during the weeklong vacation to be there for a dear friend’s mom’s funeral but didn’t.
What would you say or do, if anything? (I don’t plan on doing anything, she texted with what I saw as an ask for absolution without actually saying that and I very clearly didn’t give it to her) but I am curious about how you all would feel and react.
anon
I would say nothing. If you actually believe her husband is an emotional and financial abuser, then you cannot say for sure that she could have spent 5 hours to go to this funeral.
You seem to understand that your resentment with your friend is leading you to some degree of irrationality about her situation. That’s unfortunate for your friend. I think you are upset and frustrated, and that while your frustration is understandable, that your emotions are leading you to regard to someone who you claim is in a very difficult spot with an inordinate degree of cruelty. And that is very regrettable.
Anon
Unless you’re the friend whose mother died I think you’re way overreacting. If it was your mom, I understand why you’re hurt, but I also wouldn’t end the friendship over this if she otherwise treats you well.
anon
I’d be disappointed, too, but not sure I’d say anything given the circumstances. Clearly her mind is very much elsewhere. Let the friend who is grieving her mom say something if needed. (Not saying RIGHT NOW, but this should be her beef more than yours.)
Anon
If it were me, I’d observe that this is the kind of friend she can be right now and take the space and distance I felt was appropriate. I think you could communicate to her why you’re taking the space you are so that she understands.
Ses
I would give her a pass and not worry about it, but my general friendship style is low maintenance. I’m also a cat person.
In fact, I’d probably make a point of saying something like, “you gotta do what you gotta do. Just know I’m here for you.”
My opinion would be different if nobody was there for the grieving friend and rocky-marriage friend was the only one who could provide support.
Senior Attorney
Agree with this. Although my personal rule, for myself, is “always go to the funeral,” I’m not gonna throw stones at anybody who doesn’t feel the same. And having a bad marriage is… exhausting and can really cloud your judgment. i vote “give her some grace.”
Anon
A bad marriage can make the most stupidly simple things seem like insurmountable tasks. I would give friend a pass on this basis alone.
Anon
It’s disappointing for sure but cut her some slack.
It’s a hard time for her.
At least she didn’t come to the funeral and make it all about her problems.
Sounds like you are a good friend.
Anon
Since it’s not your mom, you don’t really have standing here. Also you never really know what’s going on with someone else. There’s a lot of ways to support a friend too besides going to the funeral. I’d stay out of it. Not your circus.
anon for this
Yes, she made a bad decision, and yes, it’s really hard if you have seen what a jerk this guy is for years. She is probably berating herself for missing it – that was probably a really hard thing for her, especially if she is in an emotionally abusive marriage. I would probably make it clear that you are all still her friends — if the weekend goes poorly I would hate for her to think that she wants out of her marriage at the same time that she’s done something to harm her friendships. Maybe this is an overly sympathetic view but it can be hard to see clearly when you are in the middle of tumult with a challenging, cheating husband.
Notinstafamous
Hi, as someone who missed a dear friend’s father’s funeral because I found out that week that my (now ex) husband had been having an affair… I just couldn’t. I feel awful about it, but with everything collapsing under me on a personal level the thought of adding one more thing in (especially with someone I loved and the emotional side of funerals) was too much to handle. I couldn’t talk to my friends, I couldn’t make small talk with strangers, I was still scraping by on shreds of hope that we could fix the marriage. It was dreadful. My ex also really didn’t want me to go, with strong “if you loved me then you wouldn’t take this time away when we’re struggling so much”. The thought of adding in a fight about wanting to go was also just too much.
In retrospect, that was actually one of the main things that made me realize we were done and he wasn’t actually a good person.
All of which to say is that I’m sure your friend has really hurt your mutual friend by not being there. She knows this. I get why you’re disappointed; she probably is even more disappointed in herself. You don’t need to say anything. If she’s getting out of an abusive relationship, she’s going to need friends to lean on, and not friends who pile on when her life feels like it’s imploding.
And also… it’s not your loss. It’s a disappointing thing but if the friend who lost her mum is upset, that’s between them. If you’ve got years of resentment over your friend being in an abusive relationship, now is the time to say “hey I don’t really like how he’s treating you, if you ever want to leave him I’m here for you”, not “I can’t believe you picked your AH of a husband over your friend you inconsiderate doormat”.
Do I regret it? Absolutely. Was it all I could do on the situation? It sure felt like it. Has this post inspired me to write a card to my friend and apologize? Also yes.
Anon
Sorry you went through all that, but this was very thoughtfully put and you sound like a good friend.
Anon
My mother died and two of my friends drove 2 hours for the funeral. The rest did not. There has not been a single day I have been mad at the rest of them for not coming. Not even a moment of that. I’m grateful for the two who did.
It is not your business to be aggrieved on the part of the grieving, and it is not your business what your friend chooses to do and for what reasons.
Let it go and butt out.
Anonymous
It strikes me as uncharitable to fault someone for not driving 2 hours one way to a funeral period, especially if that person has a child, and especially if you know that person is going through a really hard time in her personal life. The dismissiveness about “only 5 hours” is pretty shocking tbh – it’s an entire day. No not everyone can drop everything on a few days’ notice to take an entire day out of their life to be one of dozens of people at a funeral. It is a much better use of time and emotional energy to be there for the grieving family in the days and weeks after the funeral when everyone else has moved on with their life.
really....
+1
Honestly, I never expected any friend to come to my parents’ funerals.
Geez, in the midst of potential divorce, child… you want her to ?rent a car, drive two hours, spend a couple hours at a funeral for someone she doesn’t know, drive two hours more etc.. Too much.
hart
you wouldn’t go to a close friend’s mom’s funeral? I find that shocking.
Who said anything about renting a car?
Anonymous
This is tough. While I have lost a parent and appreciated people being at the funeral, what was more helpful was people who followed up a few weeks or even months after when the rush of all the events subsided and I felt alone in my grief. If she was in the last throws of saving her marriage (or coming to terms with her divorce) she might not have been in a place to really show up to the funeral. I’ve also been through a divorce too and even though it was amicable it was one of the most difficult periods of my life. We truly don’t know what people are going through…
Anonymous
You have no idea what was going on for her that week. Trust that if she could have come, she would have. Maybe her husband threatened to leave her if she went.
If he was financially abusive as you indicate she may not have had the money to come and was too embarrassed to ask because she likely knows you all think her husband is a jerk.
Do you have kids? Because plenty of moms stay in crappy marriages to protect their kids, at least until the kids are verbal and can report any abuse if the dad has unsupervised access. Mom is not likely to get full custody based only on emotional abuse and that means if she leaves, her kids are probably with him unsupervised at least once a week. Nightmare.
anon
Did you ever stop to consider that she might have been afraid that her husband would take the kid and run while she was at the funeral?
Her marriage imploding isn’t an inconvenience to you, it’s an opportunity for you to step up and be her friend.
Anon
My mother died in 2015 and I still have not forgiven my aunt and uncle for not flying in or sending a card or checking in with me. We go to funerals for those who are grieving and it is important to show up.
Anon
I was in an abusive relationship. I am here to tell you that her husband would have made her life miserable if she “spent five hours away” from him on vacation. Be happy you don’t know what that’s like.
Anon
From S’s point of view her friend’s mom will be gone even if she attends the funeral but her marriage could work if she’s present on this vacation. The second part may not be true in reality but that’s her perception. If she’s a victim of emotional abuse then she’s been manipulated into thinking the marriage problems are her fault and she’s responsible for fixing it. Telling S that her marriage was F-ed regardless isn’t going to be helpful at this point. If the friend is upset about the funeral she can say something to S but you should stay out of it.
I hate voicemail
I have an irrational distain and avoidance of listening to voicemails. I’m 33 (older millennial). Can someone diagnose this problem and cure me please? Ugh.
Anonymous
Can they be transcribed wherever you’re receiving them? that’s my saving grace. I never listen anymore. I just read.
Senior Attorney
Same here. It’s the best.
Anonymous
FYI older millennials are in their 40s so I think of you as a young or maybe middle-aged millennial ;)
No one likes vm. If it’s personal just send a quick text saying why you called. If it’s work, send an email or IM. It’s never the most efficient way to convey information!
Anonymous
I believe the diagnosis is in your post.
Anonymous
I’m 47, also hate vm, both leaving and listening to it. For listening I read the iPhone transcription or put it on speakerphone to listen.
AIMS
Does it help to know that people used to be excited to play back their messages?
Probably not.
My only advice is to do it quickly and not let it pile up. It will be much less painful and you may even stop having irrational dislike for it.
Anon
I’m a gen X’r who developed an irrational dislike of voicemails when I was about your age – i.e. before voice mail transcription was available. I was going through a tough time, and the more beat myself up over it the less I wanted to listen to the messages. Then I got a Google Voice number, and magically I could tell what was in the voice mails without listening to them. If I didn’t feel like reading the entire transcription, I could at least peek. I haven’t listened to a voice mail in over 15 years, and I no longer think this deserves a diagnosis. If you feel strongly that you need to listen to your voice mails, then I hope you find the cure! xo
really....
Can’t diagnose. It’s just rude.
Anon
+1 I can’t understand this. It’s a recording. No one is coming out of the phone to get you when you hit play. Just hit play. Diagnosis: anxiety. Treatment: repeat to yourself that nothing bad is going to happen to you bc you listened to a vm.
Anon
The cure is to suck it up and spend the time to listen to them. Sorry.
Anonymous
Nah my cure is never listening and letting my box get full
Anonymous
You can turn off your voicemail. I did that and it’s been so good for my mental health. Now my parents know to only call me on weekends when I can actually answer and my medical providers put information in the online portal (which they were supposed to do anyways but for some reason left voicemails instead). I’m a 30 year old millenial fwiw.
Anonymous
They are the worst. Just send me an email. I totally judge people who leave them as dinosaurs. I haven’t left one in years. Super Ugh. Also older (post 40) millennial
Anonymous
My problem with VMs is that it’s a form of task-shifting. My task is to call you – but now you have to call me back! Then you can leave a message, and I can call back and leave a message!
I also hate answering my phone so it really does devolve into trading VM messages.
Anonymous
I’ve disabled voicemail.
This has been excellent, highly recommend.
If grandma shows up in my missed calls, I don’t need a voicemail to know to call back, if it’s work they’ll call again or send an email.