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Weekend Open Thread

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striped cardigan with sheer details for top 1/5th of sweater

Something on your mind? Chat about it here.

I love this stripey wool cardigan from Akris (and it's on a great sale).

I myself like the sheer details, but I can see how not everyone would. I think it would be really cute as a cardigan on top of a sheath dress, plain black tank, or of course the matching tank. (I'd try it with a white or blue blouse beneath, also, just to play.) I like the extra long cuffs, as well as the fact that you can button it all the way to the top — I feel like it would also be great under a blazer.

The cardigan was $835, but is now marked to $334; the matching shell is down to $208. Not a fan of the sheer details? This blue/black cardigan is available in lucky sizes for $334. Want more sheer details? This black cardigan is down to $876.

(On the more budget-friendly side of things, this black/white cardigan at Ann Taylor is under $50, and J.Crew has a number under $150. Not really on sale (or budget-friendly), but less $$ than the Akris ones: La Ligne has a number of striped cardigans, also.

Sales of note for 1/15:

132 Comments

  1. what home exercise purchase was worth it to you?

    glad i bought my adjustable barbells – i’ve gotten a lot of use out of them. also happy with my battle rope and really basic weight bench.

    1. Peloton bike. My husband wanted it, as he’s always really enjoyed riding. I was dubious about whether it would get that much use. I was wrong! He uses it several times a week and, surprisingly, so do I. I’ve never been this consistent about cardio for this long before. It was worth every penny.

      1. Same here! Bought it during the pandemic thinking my husband would use it, but I’ve consistently used it now for years!
        Also, a bunch of small free weights, which I use with the Peloton app for strength training.

      2. Same. I use the app more than I thought I would too.

        My pelvic floor physical therapist said she checked out the peloton app to see what it was all about. She really wanted to hate it. But she said it was actually really good. After I was finished PT, I picked up with their postnatal strength and core work. It’s been pretty great!

    2. Peloton bike, dumbbells in 5-pound increments from 5 lbs to 50 lbs, and a bench.

      What I wish I also had are kettlebells and a rack (we don’t have space for a rack in our current house).

    3. Treadmill. It was my pandemic purchase but worth every penny. I prefer walking outside but for pouring rain and ice, I’m covered.

    4. I bought a used elliptical several years ago off of Facebook Marketplace. We live in MN so it got used a ton over the years, especially in winter. We recently decided to replace it with a nice treadmill and it is also getting used a lot (I use the Pelaton app with it, even though it’s not a Pelaton tread).
      But looking back on everything, I think just finding something low entry to get in some movement and experiment to see if we really would use it or not without going into an expensive equipment right away was a good way to go.

    5. Peloton and a set of dumbbells.

      I previously had adjustable ones but I vastly prefer a set of normal weights (if you have space)

    6. Adjustable kettlebell purchased from a decimated Dick’s the evening before the COVID shutdown went into effect. And recently a jump rope – I need to relearn leaving the ground.

      1. Do you though? Lol I’m not even 50 and cant see myself ever wanting to jump, for exercise, again. Maybe rebounding, but even that doesn’t look fun.

    8. I also love my adjustable dumbbells – Powerblocks. I think they are at least 10 years old and going strong.

      I use my ottoman as a weight bench by rotating it at a 45 degree angle from the couch, and putting my head on the couch and my torso on the ottoman. This allows a good range of movement in my shoulders for things like chest presses and chest flies. An actual bench would be better but our apartment lacks the space.

      1. I use my upholstered cedar chest as a bench, sometimes the low coffee table in our basement. And in a pinch, the landing at the top of our stairs.

    9. A six-pair dumbbell tower with weights ranging from 5 lbs up to 25 lbs, and a foldable stationary bike. My little gym takes up very little floor space and I can get in a nice variety of workouts with a these items.

  2. Anyone recently buy one of those snow globes as a Christmas gift? Any nice ones you would recommend?

    An elderly relatives said she had always wanted a snow globe, but has never received one.

    1. That is really sweet! A lot of them can be super heavy, though, so think about if your relative would be able to lift it if there’s a music switch on the bottom. There are also lighter, more plastic-y ones. If you have a HomeGoods, gift shop or even a Target near you, I’d be inclined to go in person to find one.

      I got one for my son from the brand Roman. It plays music and isn’t too heavy, and has nice details. That might be a good option.

    2. This is so sweet. Bradford Exchange is pricey, but the quality is fantastic. My kids received some from a relative 10+ years ago and they still work great and don’t have any cloudiness in the liquid. In contrast, a cheapy that I bought at Target three years ago looks like garbage. :(

      1. Does anyone have the Hogwarts snow globe? I think I need it but I’ve never heard of this brand.

        1. You’ve never heard of The Bradford Exchange? The advertise heavily in esteemed publications such as Closer [to the grave] magazine.

    3. If still reading, get a Perzy snow globe. The OG from Vienna and still made by there. They are magical.

  3. Man, I love me some Akris but I was thinking that Lands End likely makes a nice visual duplicate of this.

      1. Same! The Akris $ is reserved for really knockout pieces (one thrifted, one eBay). The cashmere is next level.

      1. This is really a swing and a miss for Akris. Sometimes they make the most random things.

    3. I’ve started looking on resale sites based on comments here! Nothing yet but it’s fun :)

  4. I used to wear silk brocade skirt suits to work at a courthouse because I didn’t know that not all suits are work suits. That was then, when we wore business attire to work.

    Now, I think I’m going to bring back daytime brocade and taffeta and all of the zany magpie things in my closet out to wear to work. I can’t wear this stuff at home because I’m usually cooking or dealing with an unruly dog, so easy to wreck dry clean only fabrics. They are safe for a job that is sitting at a desk though :)

    1. I like to match fancy things with plain things – so, like a silky top with jeans (totally appropriate in my office) or a satin or otherwise fancy skirt with a plain cardigan.

      But, I agree – if it’s fine at your office, wear the fancy things!

    2. 😬 that whole article is missing missing reasons. My mom would probably say similar things without admitting to the time she chased me around the house with a knife or abandoned me on the side of the road.

      1. Anyone who publicly airs an estrangement is a weird attention-seeker with some type of mental problem. I have chosen to be no-contact with my father for the past 25 years, and no one outside of my family knows. Other people just correctly assume my mother is divorced because I refer to “my mother” and not “my parents.” Occasionally someone has asked if my father is dead, and I just say, “No, my parents are divorced” and leave it at that. On the other end, if for some reason my adult child decided to go no-contact with me I certainly wouldn’t announce it to the world. If my kid truly hated me that much I assume I wouldn’t want to remain in contact with them either.

      2. I’m sorry you went through that.

        I honestly do believe there are crappy therapists who try to isolate variables by isolating their patients, more or less, and who encourage “no contact” to cut the Gordian knot and make their own job easier.

        But when people really follow through, I have to wonder why. And if the parents complaining aren’t even articulating why, that seems like a red flag.

        1. The article says that the parents don’t know why in a lot of cases. Their kids stopped talking to them without saying.

          2. They really cannot even hazard a guess though? I feel like a lot of loving, caring parents have at least one thing that might come to mind if they were asking themselves why their child might be mad at them or distressed around them.

          3. I’m sure there are circumstances where the kids shared concerns with their parents and attempted to set boundaries or seek improved behavior over and over again and didn’t see any changes. Parents acting like they have no clue why their kids stopped talking to them because the kids didn’t say “parent, after talking with you about my concerns about xyz behavior for 6 years, and seeing no improvement, I will no longer be speaking with you” are being purposely obtuse.

          4. Should you really make your parents guess instead of just communicating? I’m sure there could be more to the story for parents quoted in the article but it sounds like some have dealt with this for years and obviously they must have tried to guess.

          5. Estranged mom here, and yes, one of my daughters cut me off without saying why. We never fought; I was not abusive; there had not been strife; and then there was one phone conversation where I made one completely normal comment, and she took it as an indictment of her entire being, or something. She announced that she was cutting me off, and she did. It has been 5 years. She changed her phone number, blocked me and, I’ve recently learned, said all sorts of crazy things about me that are flatly not true. She is brilliant and professionally successful. She is not an addict or, as far as I know, mentally ill. But believe me or not, yes, it can absolutely come out of nowhere. Obviously, it did not for her, but there were no clues on my side, even in retrospect. I have two other adult kids with whom I have good relationships. It is baffling to all of us.

          7. I haven’t gone no-contact with any of my difficult relatives, but I can assure you that none of them would know why I find them difficult. They can’t understand why their behavior or attitudes are offensive.

          8. A few years back, I spoke to a family friend about what happened to cause estrangement with my parents. He had heard that I “went crazy.” He had no idea that I had been physically abused by my older brother and my parents backed my older brother to the hilt because of “family harmony.”

          10. Yes, 5:33, critical point because one comment absolutely should and could torch an entire relationship 🙄

          11. 4:35: Depends on the comment.

            And the point isn’t whether it’s reasonable to end a familial relationship over one phone call. It’s whether the poster knows why the relationship ended.

            She says she doesn’t. But she does. She told us that she does. The daughter’s reason is whatever her mom said on that phone call.

          1. I’m not. I think a part of the reason this has become more common is because we’ve just gotten worse at communication skills, particularly worse at communicating with those who aren’t in complete alignment.

          2. I’m not convinced it’s more common. People used to just move away and not get in touch because it was “expensive.” Now we expect constant contact.

          3. I think people are more interested in estrangement because women are more involved than in past generations. My grandfather stopped speaking to his brother in the late 1940s and they never reconciled before their deaths sixty years later. Neither my boomer father in law or my silent generation stepfather-in-law speak to their siblings. One has been estranged for decades, the other for around 15 years.

          4. Disagree. I think the vast majority are completely immature and regrettable decisions by children influenced by pop culture. For the knife chased woman who always pops up on these threads, yes, understandable. But that’s the exception.

          5. If you think abusive parents are the exception, I’m genuinely glad for you. Unfortunately they’re very much not.

          7. I’m not saying most children are abused but it’s not some super rare event that you don’t have t consider when talking about estrangement. It’s shockingly common.

          8. I do too, and I don’t think it’s so much a new thing as much as we talk about it now

          9. I also don’t think it’s new. My 76 year old dad has been mostly estranged from his sibling for decades (they briefly spoke to each other when their last remaining parent was dying a few years ago but then they stopped after she died) and his mother was estranged from some of her own siblings. I think his father may have been too. There’s also estrangement in my husband’s family among 70/80/90 year old people. People might talk about it more now but it’s not a new thing.

          10. I think it’s a combination of estrangements’ being both more common and more obvious. On the obviousness, in the past you could easily drift apart. My mother liked her parents but only spoke to them a few times a year and saw them once a year because long-distance phone calls were expensive and people didn’t go flying all over so there was no expectation that extended families would travel hundreds of miles for every holiday. The kids would correspond with grandma and grandpa via mail. If you didn’t like your parents in this scenario you could very easily reduce the frequency of calls and visits. Nowadays the expectations for contact and visits are much more intense, so you can’t minimize contact easily or gracefully.

            Then there is toxic therapy culture and the me-first entitlement mindset. Young adults are being told that everything they don’t like about their lives is the fault of their terrible parents. This message is reinforced by the standards to which these young adults are held in their own parenting, which demand perfection and hold mothers responsible for ensuring that their children never experience distress but somehow also learn resilience. On the other end, boomer parents seem to believe that their adult children owe them something. Add the modern expectation of daily text and phone contact and ability to air grievances on social media, and it’s the perfect storm.

          11. 7:02, limited contact is very different than estrangement. I find my (local) mom annoying and limit contact with her, as well as information I give her about my life, but I’d never describe us as estranged. Estranged is a total breakdown in the relationship, to the point where you don’t speak at all and wouldn’t invite the person to a major life event like a wedding or funeral.

          12. In the past an official estrangement wasn’t necessary because you could just ignore the person and never interact with them. Including leaving them off the wedding invitation list. Now it’s all very fancy with announcements and social media.

        3. I cut off a family member because they were a compulsive liar and I told them I would not have a relationship with me. They were an alcoholic and even though they got sober after decades, they still instigated conflict in our family by their repeated lying. They knew what I said and still would make up stories about me because they would have to admit that their addiction caused harm they never tried to change. Some of us just want to go through our lives in peace.

      3. I got as far as how Wellington self-published a book and launched it the weekend of her daughter’s wedding.

        Trying to upstage the bride is, in my experience, usually a sign of a lot having gone wrong with the person.

      4. Thanks for this. I’ve gone no contact with my mother & many people refuse to understand that a mother can be so severely abusive, or they think she’s entitled to abuse children/me (genuinely not sure which).

    3. I am the estranged mom at 4:21 or so, and someone asked what I think explains her behavior. I do not have a good explanation. She was newly dating someone she ended up marrying, and we had reservations, but nothing dramatic. We never said “him or us” or even that we wouldn’t support their relationship. She was in grad school across the country (literally on the other coast) from me when this happened, but we talked weekly and texted more frequently until That Call. She has convinced some around her that she fears for her safety around us. I have never even hit anyone, so I don’t know where that comes from. She purports to have been very upset by the estrangement, but that is completely at odds with how cavalierly she instituted it and how fiercely she has protected it. Everyone assumes the parents must know, that they are at fault and that the child did this as a last resort. Maybe that is often the case. Maybe it is the case in every other one but mine. Again, believe me or not, but this is my experience.

      1. I would LOVE to hear her side, because I’m positive there are reasons and they’re probably good ones and probably lots and lots of warning. The fact that you’re oblivious to that points to there being reasons.

        1. I am the mom, and I would love to hear her side also. The question I was answering wasn’t, “Are there reasons?” It is, “Do you know her reasons?” And no, I do not. I read estranged adult children blogs and forums, and I do not see her in them or me in their parents. I did not abuse, I did not turn a blind eye to abuse, I did not belittle/yell/whatever. My husband and I are still married, so I didn’t drag a series of strange men in and out of our house. We’re not addicts (we barely even drink). We don’t steal from her or anyone else. We’re professionals with good jobs. Whatever her reasons are, they are not obvious to me or anyone who knows us. She doesn’t owe us a relationship or end-of-life care or anything else. It would, however, be nice if she would quit lying about us and/or tell us why she made the choice she did.

          1. I completely hear you and believe you. Some people here just never want to give a commenter the benefit of the doubt.

          2. Honestly, this sounds a little to me like the husband may be alienating her from you. It is a common tactic in emotionally unstable relationships. Something for you to consider as a possibility if she ever tries to reconnect.

        2. I suspect the answer may lie in “I have never even hit anyone.” There are many ways to be abusive short of physical violence, and even ways to be physically violent short of hitting someone. The fact that the poster seems proud (!?) of not hitting is telling, imo.

          1. +1 My mom was never physically abusive, but she did physically threaten me, she was also financially abusive and kept control over my money, once I finally left home (at 17) and got control of my finances she used her friend who was a bank teller to illegally access my account.

        3. Why would you automatically think that? It’s very believable to me that the daughter could have a mental illness or be selfish or any variety of explanations.

          1. Because that poster is likely immature, cut her family off and is trying to tell herself it’s warranted because they’re “toxic” or some other BS.

        1. Agreed. Could be abusive and trying to isolate the daughter from family and friends. More believable to me than the OP here being a secret abuser.

        2. This is what I am wondering; the moment I read this, the part about how she was newly dating someone she ended up marrying seemed like the key information here. The part about inexplicably fearing for her safety around you also concerns me since I’ve seen women project the fears they have about their controlling spouse onto family before.

      4. I’m very sorry for your experience.

        The whole point of shedding light on cutting off parents was that it was so taboo, as if no one could fathom why one would do such a thing. But that shouldn’t take away from the fact that people can and do have experiences like yours – where the child doesn’t explain and the parent is left wondering what happened. I can’t imagine how painful that must be.

        All I can say is, life is long and try to leave the door open. There could be a million reasons that a child might do this through no fault of your own. I’ve had family members get lost to cults, addiction, abusive relationships for years or even decades. When they come out of it, they will need you desperately.

      5. Anon at 4:21 and 6:16pm.

        Reading this, it sounds like the guy she is now married to is isolating her. It’s often the first part of domestic abuse.

        My ex husband is the nicest guy and a very good salesman. His behavior fits with descriptors of a covert narcissist. The coparent therapist said she thinks he has borderline personality disorder.

        What you are describing is exactly what happened to me except I never broke off my relationship with my parents. I lied to him and told my parents I needed their help to leave when the time is right.

        My mother’s sister was the one who spoke to me about the isolation and shared her concerns. She told me without telling its emotional abuse and this is what happens next. Those things happened next and I knew I wasn’t the crazy one nor were my family.

        1. Another voice co-signing this. My ex husband told me “even your own mother doesn’t want to be around you” after my mom cancelled a trip to see me for what were, in hindsight, completely reasonable reasons. If you hear that long enough, you’ll start to believe it.

          1. It’s what I’d put my money on. Of course we don’t know, but if we’re talking about the odds, it’s just so common.

          2. This is at least based on something. The rest of the speculation is just “you’ve never hit anyone? must be an abuser!”

      6. My mother thinks that hitting a child is one of the worst things anyone could possibly do (except of course, when she did, it was fully justified and normal).

        And no, I don’t speak to her, but I do reply to an annual email or so. And I’m not the one she hit (she just did other things to me).

  6. How much do you notice/resent it when you didn’t get a card from someone you had previously, and/or when you don’t get an invite to a party that has been thrown multiple years in a row?

    2. notice yes, resent it depends. like, we’ve dropped people from our card list over the years, usually when we realize we have no idea if we even have their current address because we’ve drifted apart.

    3. Do you guys only get like 4 cards a year? Feels like we are pushing 50+ here, and I don’t think I’d even notice if my own sister didn’t send one!

      Party invite, I’d be sad about.

    4. I’m not sure I’d notice the card, because not everybody sends them every year, but I’d definitely notice the lack of invite and feel hurt.

    5. I would not notice or care if I didn’t get a card from someone. If I dropped off a party invite list I would notice but not care. That usually means the host and I have drifted apart, so I would see it coming.

    6. Holiday card? We do them maybe every third year so I hope no one is taking offense! We’re just lazy.

      Party yeah i would notice and be sad.

    7. No. Even people who do things annually take years off. I always assume that’s the case with a card or a party. And honestly I would not expect to be invited to a party where I wasn’t in regular communication with the host to know whether it was happening this year.

    8. Cards, I don’t care as I’ve backed away from cards myself, as have most people I know. Party, it would depend. Have i ever been invited? Did I go in the past? Mostly it would send me a signal about the relationship and I would move on.

    9. The card from that one former coworker who writes a tome each year full of very personal and detailed TMI about every member of her entire extended family? Heck yeah, I’d notice if I fell off that list. My spouse and I open a bottle of wine and read it to each other like old timey news reporters.

      The rest, nah, I don’t really keep track. I do notice when new people include me. It’s a little bright spot to realize my circle grew a bit bigger this year.

    10. Yes, and I’m sad about it.

      I think the holidays came on quickly this year because Thanksgiving was late. A lot of my friends aren’t doing cards this year because they ran out of time.

      Parties are hurtful, though. I wish people would stop posting pictures on social media of parties that you know you’re excluding people from. I have one friend who has a special dinner every year. I understand in the abstract that her house is only so big and maybe she wants to rotate her guest list. Fine. But why do you need to rub it in the faces of everyone you invited last year but didn’t invite this year? The same person organizes a secret santa, but for reasons beyond me wants to limit it to X number of people. Seems to me if you’re setting up a SS for 20 people it’s just as easy to do it for 24 but whatever. Again, fine, she’s doing the emotional labor so she can do what she wants. But then don’t post pictures of your gift exchange party so everyone who was excluded this year gets reminded about their exclusion. It’s hard to assume best intentions when the social media posting seems so mean.

      1. Do you ever reciprocate and host her at a party you throw? Honestly I get sick of people always taking and never giving and I do drop them from my parties. I’ve probably posted pictures too, I try not to if something was big, but a dinner party requires some back and forth and no, not everyone can be invited.

      2. I’m not on Facebook or Insta, so I might be wrong, but I feel like social media is like a long reply-all email thread where eventually you lose track of who is copied. Most people don’t have time to curate who can view each thing they post, and so information gets distributed more widely than is intended or necessary.

        If seeing pictures from a party that you weren’t invited to is this hurtful for you, perhaps consider either blocking that person’s posts or taking a break from social media entirely. The person who had the party was most likely not having it “at” you, as they say.

      3. One thing male friendship gets right is that dudes generally do not get this overly invested in/offended by what their friends post on social media.

        If you can’t handle being on social media, stay off it.

  7. I’m thinking of adding a mini vacation on to a work trip to Sydney, Australia. Last year I popped over to Fiji, which I very much enjoyed. I’m wondering if I should do the same this year, or if I should try New Caledonia or a different destination? Ideally something within a ~4 hour flight from Sydney, and ideally something with great snorkeling and beaches.
    I’ll be traveling in early April, if anyone has any experience with rainy season impacts in early April I would very much appreciate that too.

    1. I’m so jealous about both the work trip and the vacation (and would love your Fiji hotel recommendation, if you liked where you stayed — it’s on our loose 5 year travel plan). I have a friend who went to the Cook Islands and loved it. Looks like that’s a little farther than you intended to go but has nonstop flights from SYD.

    2. Have you been to New Zealand? You could check out either the north or South Island with that amount of time. The north island has hobbiton from the lord of the rings, beautiful glow worm caves, and beaches/snorkeling/diving. The South Island is more mountain and glacier adventure. Both have wine.

      1. I had a short vacation in Waiheke and it was wonderful. I would absolutely do that in a heartbeat for a mini vacation.

  8. I’m almost out of my Apostrophe tretinoin + niacinamide cream, and I’m looking for an alternative provider.

    Has anyone used Miiskin? Is it good quality? How did it compare to Apostrophe and/or another prescription if you had one?

    I looked at Curology and Musely, but I don’t want a monthly subscription. I just want to buy refills when I need them, so the Miiskin pricing model is appealing. My Apostrophe formula is working really well for me, so I’m hoping I can get something similar.

    1. Why not just ask your derm or regular GP for a prescription? I feel like then you know what you’re getting. I only buy it when I’ve run out.

    2. Medic8 has been good…but ask your derm as there are different strengths to choose from.

  9. I see a lot of people who are estranged and often, the problematic person has problems in every relationship: no long-term friends, feuds and grievances at work, grudge-holding. And the other person has this one problematic relationship, often arising out of something never chosen, like family or classmates or co-workers. So when someone doesn’t know why a person cuts them off but all else is normal, I take that into account. Many times, loose relationships do a slow fade but a direct cutting of ties with no reason to me often seems like it says a lot about the cutter or cutter, depending on their overall track record. (In a DV situation, it’s more how did their other relationships go or end. I have a great ex that I’ve joked that I would 10/10 recommend him to others and would be OK living in somewhere like the same retirement home (separately though)).

    1. I’m feeling sad after getting cut off recently by a friend. I feel like I was the bad guy and need to learn something from the fact that someone felt the need to cut me off. At the same time, I’ve never had a friendship that involved overt drama and conflict before, while I got the impression they’ve had this happen so many times that they expected it would fall apart eventually! But difficult people who have difficult lives need friends too, especially when they really are good and admirable people. And it’s likely that I normally play it too safe in relationships and am too sheltered and distant at default, and prioritize comfort over connection at baseline (one of the points of friction was just frequency of contact because daily calls and texting is a lot for me, but I realize for a lot of people that is definitional to being friends!).

    2. I think a narcisist would cut ties over trying to set boundaries with them. And IMO we all can figure out who is who in those situations.

    3. I disagree— often if people are estranged from family they develop relationships with a chosen family. What you’re describing is a misanthrope.

      1. The Venn diagram overlap of misanthropes and people who cut off their parents is quite large.

        1. And sometimes the estrangement is executed by the generally well-adjusted child of the narcissistic misanthrope after all attempts at boundary setting have failed. Estrangement isn’t always decided by the villain in the relationship.

  11. Is anyone in the US seeing photos from the Epstein files? Clinton, Gates, Branson etc etc… mostly left leaning and I wonder whether there were no republicans, or whether their photos have been redacted?

    2. IDK but I’d always thought that this precipitated the Bill Gates divorce. He’s not really a politician. Just a creep.

    3. the files are heavily redacted and do not meet the terms of the required release — i think they’re suing for more. pretty sure Bondi etc decided to redact everyone on their team out. Even a few days of delay, so it drops the week between Xmas and NYE, will make a big difference to them.

      1. My college kid is having an Epstein Files & Cookies party with his roommates over the break.

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