Suit of the Week: A.L.C.

81 Comments

1. I was hit with an unexpected tax bill this year (the most I will ever owe) due in large part to capital gains on investments (I reinvest all dividends, interest, and capital gains). I want to be prepared for what will likely be large bills moving forward. Would you increase your tax withholdings with your employer or save the money you may owe for taxes in a high-yield savings account over the course of the year? Like another OP who posted recently, I have never owed this much and just want to be better prepared next year. If there are other tax strategies you have used in this situation, I welcome those too. I admit that I have always been focused on maximizing contributions to savings, investments/mutual funds, and retirement accounts and have never given much thought to such strategies.

   1. I’d make estimated payments during the year, but first consult an accountant who will help me come up with a plan.

      1. This is what I do.

         I pay quarterly increased estimated tax if I see my gains/dividends are more. If I purposefully sell, I make a point of saving some then to pay tax.

         I also changed my investment strategy to minimize taxes and maximize capital gains. So most of my high gains/high dividends investments are all in my Roth/IRA. And my brokerage account is all low tax investments (VTI – total US stock market) which is designed to minimise yearly tax.

         And yes I met with a fee only investment advisor once that helped me clean up my plan.

         And yes I always keep a good amount in a high yield savings account.

         1. I also turn off automatic investing, and let the cash build. And then I purposefully buy what I want quarterly (or less or more). This allows me to capture losses / gains to save even more money. But that takes a bit more effort. Reinvesting may make sense for you OP, once you get a tax efficient plan in place.

   2. I would use proceeds from the capital gains to fund the taxes, reinvesting the balance.

   3. I feel like I’m missing something with these posts. Are you guys just really rich? Or constantly buying and selling? I have around 100k in a brokerage account, but I barely pay any taxes on it because there are usually no capital gains and just 1-2k in dividends. I did have some capital gains this year because I sold a bunch to help make a down payment on a house, but it still wasn’t enough to pay much in taxes (~1k in state + federal and I still ended up with a net refund).

      1. Same here, right down to only ever having capital gains when I sold stock to fund a down payment.

      2. I am not OP. I rarely have capital gains, but when I do it comes from something like your situation. Needing some of my “savings” for a major expense.

      3. Thanks for the replies! To 3:32 PM, I am not personally constantly buying and selling (I rarely sell). The highest capital gains are from my small- and mid-cap mutual funds (my 2024 gains were nearly 8 times as much as they were in 2023 with no additional contributions in 2024).

         1. It sounds like there’s something going on with those funds causing them to generate a lot of capital gains, though it could be a one time thing. Like the poster above says, you generally want the investments in your taxable accounts to be as tax efficient as possible. If you want to invest in things with lots of capital gains, those should be in your retirement accounts. The problem is that you can’t just sell it all without generating even more capital gains, so you’ll have to work through that all carefully.

      4. I invest in bonds mainly, and have a “ladder” where every couple of months something comes back and is reinvested. Depending on the timeframe, yields could be as high as 4-5%. So assuming I have 100k invested, this would be 4k of gain in a year, with a ~1.5k potential tax burden (assuming highest tax bracket, but in any case a few 100s are likely).

         Now, if you have even more invested, you can see how your employer’s withholdings would not be sufficient to cover the extra tax. So, depending on your expectations about what gains you’ll be making in 2025, you need to estimate those gains in advance and pay taxes as these gains are realized. You may be required to pay estimated tax, usually quarterly.
         https://www.irs.gov/publications/p505#idm139792484287472

   4. That was me! I increased withholding on my paychecks (I was already doing this but up the numbers every year, as appropriate) and decided to devote all of my “extra” paychecks from being paid every-other-week (26 checks/year) to taxes, rather than just a portion from them. We’ll see how that pans out.

      I spent some time with Bogleheads, per a suggestion from here, and decided to rebalance my existing holdings over time by devoting future contributions in my taxable accounts to tax-managed/exempt bonds.

      To the question below: I’ve been working for 20+years and saving/investing my butt off the entire time. Good habits just accumulate over time. I started an IRA while still in school, then when I started working I maxed out retirement contributions from the start so I wouldn’t get used to having the money. I only buy, never sell. Now, I can relax a bit if I need to.

      This comes from having grown up in a not-so-rich family. I’ve always been aware that money=options in life, and so I prioritized saving early. Not everyone can, of course.

      1. But if you only buy, why do you have so many capital gains? That’s the part I don’t understand. I also save a lot, but I barely owe any taxes.

   5. If you don’t have enough withholding you may end up paying a penalty. Ask how I know…. :( I would increase withholding.

2. A parent is terminally ill and nearing the end. You have a job and tween kids a plane ride away. I was thinking try to fly up monthly and just got back from visiting for a week. Should I go more frequently now that it’s likely that the last time will be within the next month or so? No script for this. Of course sibling is being a jerk about this and I had some kids’ needed non-vanilla dental work to get done next week (that I’ve been rescheduling since this all blew up). It’s hard to prioritize and I like it even less when getting screamed at.

   1. 4 day weekend every 3 weeks? Full refundable tickets in case you need to adjust?

      There’s no script. You do the best you can to take care of yourself, your kids and your parent and you forgive yourself for not being able to find the perfect (or even good) solution. Sorry you’re facing this. It’s hard and there are no clear easy answers.

   2. If the tweens have another parent, then it’s time for that person to step up. The dental stuff should not have been your problem while you were away dealing with your parent’s decline. And no one should be yelling at you. I want to go fight them on your behalf.

      As far as what to do next, ask yourself what you will regret the most if you don’t do it. Then prioritize that. Pretty sure it isn’t your job.

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s awful.

   3. When a loved one was dying and I was similarly caught up over logistics, the hospice nurse told me, “You’ll never regret the time you spend at your loved one’s bedside.” And that’s absolutely true.

   4. my mom was terminally ill when my twins were 15 months and obviously it is different bc my kids were much younger, but i was also a plane ride away. the cost of the flights wasn’t an issue, but the logistics were, especially bc DH was in a newish job with a lot of travel. as someone else said, there is no script. i was very very close with my mom, but honestly found it very hard to be with her while i was pregnant/had babies because she was so depressed about her situation and I was also grieving the fact that she wouldn’t get to be the grandmother i thought i’d have for my kids. what do you WANT to do? is your mom conscious and with it? what feels right to you? there is a part of me that wishes i’d gone more/more often, but my mom was barely lucid by the end and couldn’t communicate/speak, and my twins were going to be my only kids and maybe this sounds silly, but i didnt want to miss experiencing some of their firsts. my dad and sister were there when she took her final breath and i have mixed feelings on the fact that i wasn’t there (i was there the day prior, and had been there the whole week prior, it just happened the day after i left). there is no one right way to approach it

   5. There is no script. You go as much as you can, and ask your boss for as much time off as you can get. Being there now versus at the very end will be more valuable. Also, speaking from experience, buy the upgrade and uber to the airport if you can. There will be a flight at some point in the next month where you might just need to get trashed a bit and a flight attendant that will understand and keep bringing you wine.

   6. Who is screaming at you? If work, look into FMLA.

      I’d try to do 3-4 day weekends every other week and have my husband help take on the home lift.

      1. It sounded like it was an adult sibling.

         1. I assumed it was tween kids who didn’t want to be at the dentist. If that’s the case, ask Parent B to take them, if their in the picture. Even if your usual parental division of labor has you handling medical, this is a time to ask for extra slack

         2. I also read it as the adult sibling being difficult but physically located with the ill parent which is why it’s tricky for OP to figure out how to manage visits.

      2. If work is an issue, yes, check in about FMLA.

         But also – if you have coworkers you trust, talk to them. Lots of people have been there, unfortunately. I have, and I will never forget the grace and care my immediate team showed me when I had to drop everything and leave for two weeks. I pay it forward every opportunity I can.

         I’m very sorry you’re going through this.

   7. There’s no one right way to do things. It would have been meaningful to have more in-person time with my dying parent a long flight away. However, I had two tiny kids. I don’t regret prioritizing my kids for in-person time and just having plenty of phone time for my parent.

      1. Boy, your post really brought back some memories for me. This was me. I did the best I could – with one young child, pregnant with a second and a fully supportive partner and excellent manager who approved any time off I needed. Last time I saw my father was about 5 weeks before he died. After that I had lots of phone time, and my siblings who were local to him did get to be there more (they were also supportive of me, though). I know my dad had excellent care and was very comfortable. He also loved the idea that I was living my life and looking after his grandchild and grandchild-to-be. I wish I could have been there at the end but honestly I don’t regret the choices I made. There’s never enough time for everything. I had an amazing 37 years with him before he died, and many chances to tell him that and how much I loved him. One or two more visits wouldn’t have changed that at all.

         I’m so sorry you are going through this. I hope there are more peaceful days ahead.

         Also – shame on your sibling for screaming at you. What the actual? I know people cope differently but that’s on them, not you. Don’t let it get to you – you are doing amazing.

   8. Can you work remotely or take leave and just go out there for the remaining time? You’ll never regret spending less time with a loved one at the end. If you can’t go out full time, I’d at least split time (3-4 days here, 3-4 days there).

      Have your kids’ other parent cover down on everything kid related.

      Have your kids been out to say goodbye?

   9. I am so so very sorry.

   10. If you want to be there – yes. Go up more often the next few weeks. Give yourself a lot of grace. I am a car ride away from my terminally ill mother and I found it is easier for me to take off work Tuesday AM through Thursday PM (I drop my kids at school Tuesday then drive 2 hours to mom’s, I stop and get my own lunch), stay 2 nights then return Thurs AM.

       1. Replying to my own half thought – because weekends away were getting too depressing, and sad, and I started resenting the “fun” things and “relaxing” time my sibling was taking on weekends. So I am personally able to flex work a bit so I am truly just working 2-2.5 days a week now, and weekends are still mostly for my family.

   11. I don’t have kids, but have been with both parents at the end. This is it and all of that other stuff will be there later. I think the most important thing versus quantity of time there is that you say everything you want to say so you don’t regret it if you’re not. You can be in the same town and not be there at the end.

       As for the other stuff, ask your boss for what ever accommodations they have and delegating what you can. The tweens are old enough to have factual conversations with regarding priorities right now. Lean on friends who want to feel they can do something for you by asking them to handle kid appointments if the other parent isn’t present.

       Sibling is grieving too so divide and conquer with time/responsibilities. If their issue is they need relief, call hospice or someone who can help relieve them. You both love your parent but they don’t get to dictate how much time you spend with your parent. And also if you haven’t lost someone, it is not easy to be present for death. It doesn’t make you bad or anything if you recognize that isn’t something you can handle.

   12. I’m sorry. I have a toddler and baby and my dad is on hospice and declining (but I am a 5 minute drive from him so I see him multiple times a week). You are right that there is NO script for this stage of life. Just try to do the best you can for you and your family. Fly down when you can, call on the days you can’t physically be there. For me, I try to prioritize my kids doctor’s appointments, needs or school functions first. I know deep down my dad wants me to continue to live my life and cherish the time I get with my kids. He is not cognitively all there these days, but I think he would be really upset if he knew I was missing a school Valentine’s Day Party with my daughter in order to sit with him and watch the news for half an hour. Again, there is no script. Others may judge, but they are not you and have not been in this situation.

       To be honest, I feel really frazzled all the time because my energy is being pulled in a bunch of different directions. I am trying my best to stay focused. I am thankful for flexible co-workers, a supportive husband, my kids who keep me grounded and living in the moment and a good support system. You are doing great and you can get through this phase of life.

3. Ok, you know how some posters go into vapors over exposed zippers? I’m declaring that my thing is partially lined dresses. For dresses that are sheer, like lace or tulle or chiffon, why oh why can those things not be lined properly to the hem and up through the arms? I mean, I fully understand it’s a cost-cutting measure, but – probably how the zipper people feel – I feel it looks cheap because there’s suposed.to.be.lining.there! I’ll be ok, but I’ll be over here with my pearls really, really wanting appropriate linings throughout the land 😂

   1. In addition to cost cutting, for some people the sheer is the point.

      In the meantime, I highly recommend full slips in satin. Fortunately the trend for underwear as outerwear means there are a lot of them available right now.

      1. Yep, I like the partially lined look on certain dresses and skirts. The skirt is long enough to be appropriate for the office or lets me wear more comfortable shoes, while the sheer section prevents me from looking stumpy or Amish.

   2. I can rant all day about how cheaply clothes are made now, but leaving sheer parts sheer is an intentional move. It may not be what you like, but it’s what lots of people like.

      1. I mean, exposed zippers are intentional too. Doesn’t mean it’s more cost-driven than design-driven.

4. What are your favorite overnight oats recipes? So tired of the one I’ve had on repeat.

5. Sorry for the gross bathroom question but also this is a DH question.

   Best friend and her young son spent the day with us yesterday and son had a bathroom accident on the floor of my bathroom – not urine. FWIW he’s newly toilet trained, we were playing in the snow and I think he didn’t realize he needed to go and by the time he got inside and got his snow gear off, it just happened before he got to the toilet. The mom sprang into action, got him cleaned up, threw his soiled clothes in a bag in her car. Removed the waste that got on the floor. We didn’t have bleach so she spot cleaned the floor with Lysol – the liquid type that you’d use for mopping. She then proceeded to throw all my bath mats and rugs in to the wash, as I insisted the rugs were perfectly fine, she was like no let’s just be safe. And then mopped my floor with the liquid Lysol. She didn’t dilute it like literally used the concentrate and wiped down the bathroom floor with tons of paper towels, took the paper towels etc. out to the trash and sprayed down the floor with Lysol spray once again. It was really above and beyond as I was like omg sit down, don’t worry.

   I got the sense that this is more than she does in her own home – she has four young kids and a dog so I think accidents happen. But she felt bad it being my home plus my DH is a known germophobe.

   As far as I’m concerned it’s done, it’s clean. This was yesterday and DH is still going on about well is it really safe to use that bathroom, as his parents are visiting today and he’s insisting on sharing their bathroom. Am I missing something? Do people do something else here? Because between spot cleaning, mopping though with paper towels, and spraying Lysol on the floor again and leaving it to dry – Lysol has been on that floor three times What else is there? DH isn’t suggesting anything just acting all germophobic like we need to move or something. He told his parents this whole thing. MIL who keeps an immaculate home but raised three sons and isn’t a germophobe was like if I mopped every floor every time a kid had an accident, I wouldn’t have been able to hold down a job. FIL is just chuckling being like uh do you ever want kids or a dog?? Is there anything else we need to do or is this a DH problem?

   1. DH is the problem

      1. This!!!

      2. Yep.

   2. It is a DH problem. All I can suggest is that you tell him that if he does not think the floor is clean, he is welcome to clean it some more but as far as you are concerned, everything that needs to be done has been done. And if he really cannot let it go, this is a matter for a mental health professional.

   3. It’s a DH problem. I have very little patience with this kind of thing; it borders on superstition. I don’t say this because I’m okay with germs; my household is immune suppressed and that involves a lot of disinfectants and soap and precautionary routines. DH needs to get help for his irrational anxieties or learn a little science so that he can be more rational about avoiding germs in the future.

   4. Your instincts are correct. BFF went over the top because she was mortified it happened at her friend’s house and she knows your DH is a germaphobe. Mall and airport and office bathrooms have seen way worse and been cleaned much less well.

      Thank goodness for your sensible MIL. I love her comment.

      Is your DH in therapy? It might help him.

   5. This is a DH problem. Even his parents are telling him that.
      Does your husband have any self-awareness around this issue?
      (It does concern me a bit that he has you second-guessing as well. Your friend did everything but re-tile the floors!)

      1. Right – I’m reading this going what else would one even do here? Like there are no visible stains and three uses of Lysol which is pretty potent stuff. What else does DH propose to do here? And as the poster above says as he ever been in an airport bathroom – there’s an insane amount of foot traffic and yeah accidental things happen esp with young kids, does he think the airport mens room is scrubbed hourly?

   6. DH is the problem. Normal soap and water kill poop bacteria; you don’t even need Lysol, let alone Lysoling the area repeatedly. Your friend went above and beyond with cleaning.

      1. Yeah, if this was me I would be using a spritz of windex and a paper towel to wipe the floor clean, then not thinking about it again. Rugs would only have been washed if they actually had poo on them, not just in proximity.

   7. It’s really and truly fine and this is an issue your husband needs to figure out and, quite frankly, get over. I wouldn’t have even reached for bleach, but I have a geriatric dog who is presenting with GI issues lately, and two feral small children so maybe my standards differ from others…?

      BTW I’m guessing you don’t have kids of your own. If you plan on having kids, you probably need to talk to him about this if it’s recurring. Because this only will get worse and more frustrating, and more of the burden will fall on you. Will he handle diapers? Babies poop and pee in the tub. Vomit? I don’t mean to fear monger and get too extreme, but there’s potentially a lot more here than just one accident on the floor from the neighbor that needs handling/processing/figuring out.

      1. This is where my thoughts went as well. Do I think that stuff is gross? yes. Do I act like an adult and clean up gross things when family members (human or furry) have accidents? also yes. Would I be willing to take on all of that because my spouse is squeamish? Nope.

         1. I’m anon at 3:16pm. I’m not even meaning to shame him for what is probably a mental health problem. I’m worried that all of the unfun, and downright gross but nonnegotiable, childrearing activities (diapers, sick kids, you name it…) are going to fall on OP because DH doesn’t take the time and effort to address this now. That’s how resentment builds up and relationships fall apart.

            1. I agree that the DH here is overreacting, but I will also note that somehow the pee and poop that comes out of one’s own child is somehow less gross than pee and poop that comes out of other people’s children. Get your husband involved early (newborn poop isn’t as nasty as older kids’) and hopefully he will get used to it.

            2. I agree with SA that it’s different with your own kids. I have bad emetophobia and have been surprised by how little my own kids’ vomit bothers me.
               That said, I wouldn’t have kids with someone who had significant untreated mental illness, which this seems to be.

   8. Maybe it’s just me but when my kids were the age where such accidents happened, we didn’t mop the entire bathroom every time. I have no idea if there’s a protocol to this but we changed the kid or showered him if necessary. Removed the waste. Wiped down the stained area with Lysol because we figured that would kill the bathroom germs and then move on with the evening. As your MIL says if you were mopping and spraying down the floors, you’d be doing that like every other day – there are just phases in life where you are dealing with waste, you deal with it and move on.

   9. Nah, this is something you just spray down with a disinfecting spray (like Lysol), come back in 10 minutes and paper-towel. DH is over reacting (sometimes people get the icks about a thing and you can’t logic your brain out of it – if my spouse were squicky about this, I probably just wouldn’t mention it – but if it was seriously affecting his quality of life – like he can’t even use the bathroom again or is serious about moving (!), then it is 100% worth encouraging him to see a mental health professional about.

      1. The moving bit almost makes it sound like he’s lost touch with reality. Unless you’re buying a new build or doing a post-purchase bathroom reno, the chances are very high that something like this happened in the bathroom of whatever home you buy whether because they had kids, pets, elderly people or illness. He doesn’t seem to be able to categorize this as a very gross but relatively ordinary event.

   10. Your husband has a problem. Let him deal with the consequences. This is not yours to fix. If it means he uses a less convenient bathroom, so be it.

   11. Honestly at this point if something more is needed, it’s up to DH to figure out what that is and do it. I’m struggling to figure out what more there even is to do? And yes with four kids I guarantee your friend probably just sprays and spot cleans up in her own home and isn’t running loads of laundry or mopping every time. She did all that to make you and more likely your DH comfortable.

   12. I think this is only your problem if you want to have kids or a dog with your husband. Otherwise I would ignore the whole thing.

   13. This is unhinged on your husband’s part. Your friend went above and beyond cleaning up (way more than I’d do!)

   14. Your husband needs therapy

   15. OP here – thank you all for the sanity check. DH definitely has anxiety – it mostly stems from work which he can’t control so then in recent years it’s spilling over into cleanliness. I’ve gently suggested bringing it up to his PCP but I think now I’m going to be more direct about it because honestly it affects me too. When he gets like this it makes me second guess as I think is it really not clean, are there now germs all over my home? Whereas yesterday, I was the one saying to friend OMG no stop you do not need to spray down the floor again or wash the rugs. Honestly I’m thankful my inlaws happen to be visiting for a few days because they are very practical people who can call out his anxiety and he tends to feel better if his parents say – omg enough, stop worrying. Whereas if I say that, it’s hit or miss.

       As for moving I was exaggerating and it isn’t in the cards anyway with DH in a profession that is federal government adjacent in addition to no inventory on the market and really high interest rates. Though part of me does wonder if he’s feeling the stress of what happens at work if they lose a government contract or two and instead of discussing that, it’s easier to harp about bathroom germs.

       1. I think you’re right. It is a pretty common response to hyperfixate on issues within your control, when dealing with stress from issues outside of it. My husband dealt with this during the pandemic; he’s always been very tidy, but he developed an unhealthy focus on cleanliness when we were spending all of our time indoors during the quarantine. For your well-being and his, I think it is actually pretty important to provide a reality check during moments like these. You don’t have to be mean or harsh about it, but I don’t think it’s good for either of you to act as if this concern is really proportionate to the situation.

       2. It sounds a bit like OCD to me. It’s a tough way to live, he should get help

       3. I have posted here before about having been in a relationship with someone whose debilitating anxiety and OCD manifested in, among other things, extreme germ-phobia. It was always there but ramped up enormously in periods of particular stress. After many years (starting long before we met), it was entrenched and all but untreatable; it ruined what was in many ways a very good relationship. Your DH needs to deal with this sooner rather than later, as it will only get worse.

          1. Is help for these types of things medicine, therapy, or behavior changes, or all of the above? I had a college friend with OCD regarding cleanliness – think having to wash hands three times before doing anything, cannot ever eat a snack without hand washing even in ones own home, won’t eat anything that others have put their hands in even people he knew and trusted like siblings sharing a bag of chips, would never sit on the floor even in his home. He himself realized this would be an impediment in the workplace and did an amazing job forcing himself to change behavior. Like he’d still wash hands but once thoroughly and he was done. If we were having a meal he’d actively order the chips or nachos to share. Forced himself to sit on the ground. It was definitely hard for him but over a year or so he really did it. But part of me wonders if that’s more doable at say 20 than 30 – like your brain is still developing, you aren’t in the most comfortable situations in college so it’s not like an adult who can set up his home to cater to his OCD.

             1. All of the above. Plus in my observation sometimes rerouting those tendencies into another outlet (something finicky or ritualistic by nature).

             2. It might be all of the above. And you’re right, someone younger might be able to address it without professional help, if they recognize the problem and commit to correcting it. My ex was over 60 and the problem was pretty intractable.

             3. What would other finicky or ritualistic outlets be? Any examples? Different poster – asking for myself because I’m starting to see this creep up in my 40s and I’d like to put a stop to it before it becomes a thing in my 50s or 60s.

             4. A colleague’s husband overcame it but it involves 3 weeks of inpatient treatment in another city with a specialized program and ongoing therapy so he doesn’t regress.

                They had 2 small kids so it was rough.

             5. My husband has severe anxiety, which he only got under control in his forties. Here’s what worked for us:

                1) You have to stop validating his anxiety. We got into a cycle where he would be anxious about something – e.g., germs. I would reframe and tell him it was fine, and then he would continue spiraling until I was finally convinced that there was a huge problem with the germs. When I finally validated his anxiety about the germs, he would feel relieved and I would feel like garbage. You have to break that cycle.

                2) He has to seek treatment. I personally think the options are exercise or medication, followed by therapy. But I don’t think therapy is helpful unless you’re doing something to physically allow your brain chemistry to try to change. My husband started with running. It allowed him to get clear of the anxiety just enough to realize that there was a problem. He then was able to ask for meds and ultimately therapy.

                3) You have to understand your boundaries. For me, I finally told him that I wasn’t talking about his anxiety or worries after 10 PM, hard stop. Your boundary may vary, but that was a really important one for us.

                Good luck. Getting through my husband’s anxiety issues was the single hardest thing in our marriage and I continue to be so grateful every single day that he was able to get help and break that mental cycle.

             6. Ugh, my husband has anxiety which I have asked him repeatedly to do something about. He doesn’t want to go to therapy or take meds and thinks exercise/running will cure him, but then he doesn’t ever exercise or run. It’s so frustrating and I’m not sure how long I can put up with it.

             7. Nail art. Witchcraft. Making some kind of elaborate candy or dessert where all the proportions have to be perfect and the temperature and timing have to be perfect too.

             8. To anon at 4:37:

                My ex had a few OCD rituals, like having to drive back to check that the garage door was closed multiple times. (I finally got him to take a picture of it when he left, so he could just look at his phone to confirm that.) He also had a lot of anxiety around food and had pretty disordered eating; he recognized intellectually that this was trying to control one small thing in his life but still was not able to address it.

                But mostly it was things relating to germs. No outside shoes in the house, or when it was really bad, no outside clothes on the furniture. Anything that was “befouled” had to be gone – leftover containers, even glass, that might have the tiniest mold spot were thrown away, shoes or clothes that got something unpleasant on them from outside were thrown away (including brand new $80 slippers I had given him, I don’t remember how they became unacceptable since they were inside-only).

                Out in the world, his focus was on avoiding germs and contamination, in places it never would have occurred to me might be dirty. His pockets were full of cut-up paper towels to use to open doors, and bottles of hand sanitizer were everywhere – his hands were sometimes raw from so much washing and use of Purell. He would ride in my car but only with something covering the passenger seat; he wanted plastic, I made him settle for a clean towel. We traveled a few times, but it was tough due to his issues. In a very nice hotel, he covered all of the surfaces (dresser, desk, etc.) with plastic garbage bags. On that same trip, a woman who he thought looked “dirty” – she was elderly and had bad teeth – touched his arm in an elevator and he lost it, pacing around outside for maybe half an hour until he could calm down. He didn’t throw out his expensive jacket but it went into a plastic bag for the duration of the trip. His anxiety went up during travel, so the germ issues got worse.

                The last straw for me was on NYE. We were at an outdoor gathering – not exactly Times Square, just a few hundred people in my small town outside at midnight – and then were going to an after-party at my friend’s wine shop. I didn’t expect him to engage in all of the happy-new-year embracing, but he decided that if I hugged anyone, he couldn’t sleep in the same bed with me until I had not only showered but washed my hair. My hair is long, this is time-consuming, it would have been at least 1 a.m., and then of course it was batsh*t.

                I pushed back on all of this A LOT but probably still validated it more than I should have.

   16. agreeing with everyone else, your DH is the problem here.

   17. Agree that this sounds like potential OCD. Look up contamination OCD and see if that resonates

       1. this

   18. I have little patience for germophobes. I know it can be a symptom of mental illness but it often comes across as self-absorbed. I would encourage him to see a psychiatrist and/or STFU.

6. I’m not sure where to ask this random question: are light pink/purple suits acceptable for work? I recently bought this set to wear as a pastor but I am wondering if it’s too flashy: https://www.anntaylor.com/search?q=rosy+mauve

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