Coffee Break: Alexa Satchel

54 Comments

1. I feel like the name Alexa is forever spoiled for me. My reaction was “cute bag, but does it play music?”

   To the folks with questions yesterday about The Curated Closet — I did eventually come back and answer on the evening thread!

   1. A childhood friend of mine is named Alexa. I haven’t spoken to her in years but I assume she must haaaate the echo.

2. How do you mentally deal with surprise health issues? Long story short; had a routine dental cleaning and during the xrays they found a “shadow” which led to recommendation to extract tooth and place an implant. I’m only 27. ugh

   1. Of all the possible surprise health issues, this is minor and can be address. This happens to lot of people.

      1. + a bajllion. I’d say that virtually every health issue starts as a surprise. At 27, I’d say this is probably the start of you realizing you aren’t invincible, your body will deteriorate, and that good habits only take you so far (and bad habits catch up with you). Take heart that it’s something that can be addressed. And continue your good habits, even knowing that so much of it in life is luck.

      2. Needing a tooth pulled is certainly not as bad as cancer or some other major health problem! I’m sure the OP knows that.

         But when it’s your first issue with a procedure to fix it, this can be scary. Especially if you’ve got some dental anxiety.

         The way I deal with surprise possible issues is to get another opinion if the first one seems totally out of nowhere. Then I interrogate why I’m scared about it. For this it would be because of the procedure, and then I go from whatever that answer is to work on reducing my anxiety around the issue.

         1. OP here. I actually had cancer in 2016 and needed radiation which had a side effect of dental issues. So it feels like a result of that but trying not to hyperfocus on that.

            1. Wow, this is an important bit of information! Of course you feel thrown by unexpected health issues!

               Maybe there is a cancer survivors support group you could get some help from? From what I have read, it can be very hard to “graduate” from cancer care – you go from having a whole team paying attention to your health to being pretty much on your own.

            2. Ahhhh— I’m the Anon above.

               Definitely do the second opinion. I assume you’re nervous about it since you decided to post here, and my armchair analysis might be that part of the nervousness is due to the exact issue here. For me, I do best when I acknowledge the reason I’m nervous or upset about something like this, feel my feelings for a bit, and then proceed with the plan of action (like getting another opinion).

            3. +1 to PolyD. That happened when you were, what, 21? Of course anything surprising about your health feels big. That said, I’m totally with the folks who say to get a second opinion. Dentists differ dramatically on proposed treatments. You may also have some PTSD that’s just showing up now, maybe at a subclinical level, as increased health anxiety. PTSD treatment after an accident was life-changing for me, and it is something to consider if health thoughts become intrusive or make it hard to just live a flourishing life.

      3. The scariest health issue I ever had was when I went for a routine dental checkup and ended up with a mouthful of gum disease that required gum surgery, an implant, multiple extractions, and Lord knows what-all. (And yes, I got a second opinion.) It may happen to a lot of people but it can still be horribly traumatic.

   2. You can always get a second opinion. Some dentists are overeager.

      1. I would definitely get a second opinion. Reminds me of when my old dentist told me I had 12 cavities. What? Went to second dentist & am fine. Interestingly, this past year, my husband had 8 cavities with the old dentist & finally switched over to my new dentist. Second opinions are key.

      2. +1

         I learned this lesson the hard way. I don’t do any major dental care until I have researched it myself and gotten a second opinion. I take pretty good care of my teeth.

         I’ll never forget when one dentist told me I had a small chip in my tooth and needed a crown. I couldn’t see or feel the chip or have any idea when or how it happened, and I guess I didn’t even know what a crown meant. I thought it was like a larger filling to fill the tiny whole. Well, when the dentist ground down my tooth until I only had a Dracula’s fang left I almost fainted when I saw what they had done. It took 6 visits and almost $1500 leaving me with a malpositioned cap/replacement that was the wrong color and left a large black gap between the fake tooth and gum. Just terrible, and they over charged me and had to dispute multiple billing errors and in the end, even they admitted they did a poor job. when they offered to try to fix it, I just gave up and found a new dentist.

      3. Definitely get a second opinion. Are you sure this isn’t just a cavity that can be filled? That sounds really fishy to me.

      4. +100 get a second opinion. Pulling a whole tooth for a shadow seems aggressive.

         Are you beating yourself up? There’s so much weird guilt/shame around tooth issues. I have always had crappy teeth but the upside is I learned early not to feel bad about it.

      5. +1 – I have heard so many horror stories about money-grabbing dentists just from this board. And, frankly, it’s not a bad way to deal with unexpected health issues – stay calm and gather all the info! Wish you the best, OP.

         1. +200 – a “shadow” on a tooth? What does that even mean? Seems weird to pull a tooth for that! I had large metal fillings as a child and as they broke down (completely legit – they were not designed to last 30+ years) my dentist spackled my teeth back together, except for a couple that needed crowns because there wasn’t enough tooth left to spackle. Implants seem like they should be for really dire circumstances.

            On the other hand, don’t beat yourself up if you went along with it. Dentists are supposed to be professionals – I myself have been very, very lucky with my dentist and didn’t realize until quite recently that so many dentists are shady. It really sucks.

            1. Oh heyyy I also have massive childhood fillings that are falling apart! I’m getting a crown for Christmas but not the fun kind :(

            2. I vote you also get yourself the fun kind, just to make things a little less sucky!

   3. I would begin by getting a second opinion. Maybe it’s the denial stage of grief, or maybe this dentist is seeing dollar signs. I would just want to make sure.

   4. You do what needs to be done to try to treat the medical issue and move on with life. It might also help to look at the bigger picture to gain perspective. Other than the cost, discomfort in fixing and inconvenience, what does this really mean to you? It’s not threatening your long-term health. You aren’t experiencing any disfigurement of your appearance. You aren’t going to have any significant change in day-to-day activity as a result, like someone with a chronic condition. It’s not an ongoing cost. Even pain wise, it’s a one and done with no hospitalization or significant after care. It’s not even something that’s a potential warning of a disease or condition that falls in these categories.

      I think you also need to adjust your frame of mind about “I’m only 27.” I was 32 when I had a brain hemorrhage, then 42 got colon cancer. Neither were due to a family history and am otherwise healthy. Life throws things at people all the time that you don’t have to “deserve” because of age or health status. Does a child with leukemia expect it? Life doesn’t owe someone disability or health or flashing sign of what is to come–it just happens a lot of the time. You pick yourself up and move on.

      1. Man, tough crowd today.

         1. As someone who needed part of her breast removed as a teenager, I agree – tough crowd. In many ways, I’m healthier at 40+ than in college – even though I took great care of myself – because I had an awful run of luck usually associated with people twice my age or older. It is really scary to have bad stuff happen young….

         2. Normally I am down with everything you say S.A., but as another cancer patient, I will just say it gets so.exhausting. for everyone to walk around “but I am so young,” “but I am so healthy,” “but I am so thin….” And really none of that matters.

            1. Yes, I had cancer at 32 and agree with anonymous at 2:58pm. HOWEVER I think that anonymous probably missed the fact that the original poster is a cancer survivor, and the radiation she has causes dental issues, so part of her anxiety is likely her medical history.

               But do you know what the first question every single person asked me was when I was diagnosed? “What caused it?” And they don’t accept “I don’t know, it’s random” as an answer. It’s such an insidious question because the premise is that I did something to cause my cancer, and they want to know what it was to reassure themselves that they are “better” than me and thus cannot get cancer. That’s not how it works. It was exhausting to hear that over and over.

         3. No kidding!

            The fact that things could be worse doesn’t mean that someone can’t scared when they’re facing a situation for the first time!

            1. Poster from 2:58 PM

               I did NOT say OP can’t or shouldn’t be scared. She literally asked how you cope. The best way to cope in my experience is to get out of the why me phase and into the why not me phase, so you can focus next steps and getting back to your life. The longer you’re looking to put blame somewhere, the more it robs you of moving on. It also makes you feel “other” in a way you shouldn’t. I also think the reality checks of–how bad is this in the realm of bad–isn’t competing for pity olympics or something. I didn’t express it that well, but what I’m trying to say is that reality checks like that help keep you from “catastrophe” spirals. It’s normal to be scared. But realizing that a year from now, this scare isn’t likely to impact your day to day can make it far easier to face.

         4. Agreed! Yikes.

   5. No harm in getting a second opinion!

   6. I recently had two crowns for the first time at age 37. I was horrified and the procedure was difficult because my mouth and overall bone structure is so small. I got it done and it’s over now. Aside from my bank account taking a hit in fine. Dental issues are annoying but ultimately just go to the dentist twice a year and be sure to floss and save $$ for future dental work.

   7. Are you me?? Same here, except I was 37 when they found it. Going through the process now. It sucks, costs $$$, and now my oral surgeon is no longer sure he’ll be able to do the implant so I may end up with a bridge after 8 months of waiting for my bone graft to heal.

      1. I’m in moderation, but wondering if your shadow is suspected resorption – I had to follow up with an endontist, who confirmed the tooth couldn’t be saved.

3. Reposting since I posted late in the day – thank you everyone for your super thoughtful responses so far!!

   Does anyone on here have experience with borderline personality disorder or DBT? My therapist last night said she thinks I have characteristics of BPD, which felt like a reach to me but I’m trying to be open-minded since I think the framework would be helpful. I don’t have any of the behavioral characteristics, though I do experience intense emotions and anger that I manage internally. I’m wondering how common it is for people who are “high functioning” to get diagnosed with this, or if anyone has experiences with it they could share.

   1. My only experience is with my sister, I am far from a medical professional, but the fact that you follow this site and have the self-reflection and self-awareness to post this alone makes me think you are not borderline. My sister has never held down a full-time job and lives at home at the age of 28. She has never been in a healthy relationship. She is extremely self-destructive. My parents have joined group therapy sessions to speak to other parents of children who are borderline and their takeaway coming out of those sessions was that my sister is relatively high-functioning in comparison. Having “intense emotions” does not seem like NEARLY enough to qualify as having BPD. I would honestly consider seeing a new therapist from that alone.

      1. I’ve had a lot of patients who are in similar situations to your sister. I’m worry for what she and your family are dealing with. However, I don’t agree that OP automatically does not have BPD because she has good insight and functionality. It means she is managing her mental health much, much better than someone like your sister, or has made better adaptations. But the same diagnosis can look very different in different people (which yes, is one of the things that makes mental illness diagnosis more complicated than medical diagnosis in cases like this).

   2. Hi, I’m a therapist who has worked with lots of clients with BPD diagnoses and who uses some DBT. Yes, high-functioning people absolutely meet criteria, but because this particular diagnosis is so stigmatized, a lot of clinicians don’t officially diagnose it. They don’t want to put a damaging label on a patient, and/or don’t want the patient to be angry at them. So my first thought is that your therapist did something that wasn’t easy in telling you this, and I’d like to think it’s because it is her best assessment. (I have worked with one person who was just obsessed with BPD and threw it on everyone she saw, but aside from something like that, responsible clinicians diagnose it only because they really think it’s the best course for treatment.) Also, if she said you have “characteristics of BPD,” she may just want to explore whether it fits, or how well, rather than necessarily conclude anything at this stage. We talk often about people who have “traits” of a certain personality disorder, because it’s useful to think of these things on a spectrum rather than just they have it/don’t have it.

      DBT can only benefit people, honestly. It’s skills for managing distress, relating to people, and other everyday functions that everyone needs to do. If you don’t find it useful, you can say so early. But it’s not going to be wildly inappropriate or do any harm.

      Happy to answer any questions! Hope this helps.

      1. I love this comment. I have a child who has “ADHD characteristics” but isn’t officially diagnosed. We use techniques that work for ADHD kids to manage her behavior and it was a complete game-changer.

   3. Re commenting since this is so important, women with ASD are very often misdiagnosed with BPD.

4. I love this color for a bag- has anyone seen a laptop-plus a bunch of papers-sized leather bag in a similar color?

   1. Mulberry makes the bayswater and the bayswater tote in this color.

   2. Away had a Pine colored leather tote.

5. I’m looking for a work bag with a long strap. Totes under my arm annoy me and backpacks make my back sweat. It needs to hold laptop, papers, Swell water bottle, and shoes. I’m a walking/subway commuter if that matters.

   1. Do you mean a messenger bag?

      1. Yes

         1. do you know you like messenger bags? FWIW I find them the most annoying of the three because they’re expert at wrinkling an entire top in a short walk, pull at buttons, cut my b–bs off, and either rest too high (so they block my arm swing) or too low (so they bang around when I walk)…

            1. I’m going to wear it on one shoulder. I absolutely hate the other two options so this is what I want to try.

         2. I think most any messenger bag will do the trick. Are you looking for any specific features? Colors? Materials? Style? Price range? Hard to give specific recs without a little more to go on.

6. Last day of my terrible, toxic, awful, miserable job today! I’ve been on medical leave since August because it caused such substantial stress and finally gave my notice 2 weeks ago. So it’s anticlimactic since I haven’t worked, but still a gigantic relief that I am DONE. I don’t have another job lined up, which is stressful, but not nearly as stressful as going back to this job. I’d only been in it for a few months. Thought it was a dream job for me. It was not.

   1. Good for you. Out of curiosity, how were you able to get medical leave for stress? Did they pay you during this time?

      1. You can normally take FMLA leave for mental health. Paid or unpaid depends on your employer but if you have paid sick leave you can likely use that. Not OP but I took several weeks off last year for severe insomnia and it was all paid.

      2. My state has a program that pays for leave. It wasn’t entirely for stress; I have a chronic illness and the stress caused a flareup which caused a handful of other very significant problems.

   2. So glad you got out! I hope you can enjoy the relief and am sure your next steps will be easier to sort out now that you are free.

   3. Good for you! Wishing you peace.

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