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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
A dark floral is always a great print for fall/winter, and this faux wrap dress from Avenue has a gorgeous one. This dress would be great to keep on hand for those chilly winter mornings when you’d rather stay under the covers for a few extra minutes than put together a full outfit. Just add some warm tights and boots and you’re good to go!
The dress is $27 at Avenue, marked down from $69, and comes in sizes 14–32. It also comes in a black-and-burgundy print.
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
NeedIdeas
For REASONS, I’m at a weird dark place in life and stuck at home alone for most of my days for the next 30 days or so. I realized I need some mini projects before or after work (I’m 100% remote), to feel good and not spiral into bored depression. Please hit me with all your ideas. I’ve already started decluttering and cleaning a couple of small areas but need some inspiration and goals!
Anon
Knitting? An Autumnal reading challenge? Are you able to get outdoors and exercise, that really helps lift my mood. Elaborate cooking/baking projects are great after work projects for me. An online course. Honestly, sometimes just throwing myself into work.
Anonymous
And if you can’t exercise outdoors, are you able to take a lunch break sitting outside, maybe do a crossword or coloring book?
Deedee
If you haven’t already shifted over your closet for the changing season, I would do that and take the time to organize, donate unfitting items, and maybe Devil sweaters/polish shoes & bags. Maybe do some fun cooking or baking challenges if you like that kind of thing!
Honestly though if I were worried about being depressed, my first priority would be to set up a few Zooms, calls, or visits with friends, family or acquaintances. That will do a lot more for your mental health than all the decluttering in the world!
Deedee
Depill sweaters….
Anon
Thanks for posting this. Usually I can figure out typos but this one had me stumped.
Anon
Knitting or embroidery or other needlework. You can order stuff online. You get to create something pretty, it takes up time, and requires some level of concentration so you are dwelling on other things.
Anon
I would order some autumnal candles and set yourself up for cozy movie nights. When Harry Met Sally, Knives Out, Clue, Rear Window, and Vertigo would all be on my watch list. Also a couple recipe recs – Pasta with Pumpkin Seed Pesto from NYT Cooking and Pumpkin Bread with Salted Maple Butter from Bon Appetit. Feel better!
anon
30-day yoga challenge? Escaping into a great fiction book? Sometimes that helps get me out of my head and into someone else’s world.
PolyD
The monthly daily yoga sessions from Yoga With Adriene saved me during the first months of a pandemic. Do you have a friend who might also do them and you can encourage each other and compare notes?
Second the suggestions for needlework. I got very into embroidery kits from Amazon. I also started learning cello last year, if it’s possible for you to rent an instrument and do some virtual lessons, that might be a nice distraction.
Do make an effort to go outside – I like to take a walk while listening to a good podcast.
Annie Nominous
Ooh, I like the 30 day challenge idea and could be applied to just about anything. Exercise is great (and would show measurable results in 30 days). Cooking is another good one because due to covid, many cooking schools offered online classes. Learning something artistic via you tube is also fun.
Anon8
I’ve been enjoying giving my space a little mini-redecoration and sourcing new furniture from FB Marketplace. I’m getting immense satisfaction from admiring my new decor.
ALT
Things I would do if I was at home for a full month:
-do a deep clean of my house using the Go Clean Co handbook and really take my time
-all the house projects I’ve been putting off
-start a new crafty hobby—either a new knitting project or one of those DIY miniature room scape things
-try new recipes that are more time or labor-intensive than usual
-do some (actual) gardening and get my plants ready for winter
-do a deep purge of all the closets and storage in my house
-take long meandering walks through my neighborhood and the fancy neighborhoods around mine
-curl up on the couch and read without any guilt
Honestly this sounds like kind of a dream to me. I’m extremely introverted though so YMMV.
MBAMags
This sounds like a dream list! Adding in daily Yoga/exercise and I’d be a happy gal.
Anonymous
I went hunting for the Go Clean Co handbook and had trouble finding it. Is this the same as Bleach Pray Love?
ATL
Yes, it’s the same one! It’s confusing that their online store is under a different name.
Anonymous
Thank you!
Anon
Acrylic pour paintings! Very relaxing and surprisingly not very hard!
Anonymoose
Is there a room in your house you’d like to update? A fresh coat of paint, new art, a few decorative baskets, etc can take up mental space and give the “fresh start” feeling.
I like the idea of having something each day to do and look forward to. Do you like to cook? Could you pick a new cookbook and make one recipe per day (maybe documented on social media with a little write up)? Or some sort of 30 day challenge- yoga, meditation, couch to 5k- that gives you something to check off each day?
Grace
If cooking/baking is an interest, I would definitely try some more involved and high skill baking projects (pies, soufflés, breads). Even if they don’t go perfectly, they can help you build your technique and skill. I like the Sally’s Baking Addiction website for ideas and recipes.
Anon
+1000 to painting!!
Zennia
I’m enjoying the around the world reading challenge where you try to read a book from each country. I have an online list I keep with ideas so the activity can either be the actual reading or the generating ideas.
Anon
I would try to focus on physical movement even if it’s in your home. Try workout videos and see if any local yoga studios are still doing livestream classes. I would experiment with new recipes for dinner, indulge in some good wine (may not be good for you though) and definitely try to schedule weekly phone calls with friends and family. Even though you can’t leave home doesn’t mean you can’t maintain connections with people. I know the times when my siblings are free to chat and try to call my parents once a week. The pandemic has really forced me to work hard to maintain these connections.
pugsnbourbon
If you’ve got off-white or old dingy switchplates, replace them. It makes a bizarrely large impact.
Order some fancy cuticle oil and nail polish and give yourself a nice manicure.
Repair any broken jewelry you’ve been hanging on to – super easy to do yourself with some pliers and jump rings.
Finally, my go-to suggestion is linocut printing or carving stamps. You can get started for less that $100 and it’s an absorbing, meditative kind of activity.
Anonymous
Minimalism game decluttering (one thing on day one, two on day two etc).
Try to use one rarely used food item every day – a forgotten spice, that weird can, the last packet of something.
Grow something from seed.
Wash your baseboards.
Anon
I’ve always wanted to have time to really >’Cher’ from Clueless my closet < with one of those apps that takes photos of all your clothes. Since you mentioned you see that you're at a dark stage in life, I'd do some things that bring calm and a lightness. So, a meditation practice. Time to be outside. Maybe breathwork. Cooking cozy fall soups.
Anon
The Woobles dot com has these silly little beginner crochet stuffed animals. I started doing the kits out of boredom and the need to do something new (and full disclosure you could probably teach yourself how to do this with youtube and basic yarn, but sometimes you need it to be easy).
The founders actually appeared on Shark Tank last week and talked about how it helps your mental health to learn something new as an adult, so that made me think something like that could work for your scenario!
Saguaro
These are adorable! I have been trying to learn to crochet from online videos but not having a lot of luck. I just ordered one of these!
Senior Attorney
Jigsaw puzzles were a thing in the pandemic lockdown for a reason!
Anon
Cross stitch! Great because you really do have to focus on it, although I do like to do it while listening to audiobooks.
Anon
posting here about your projects
learning to draw from Drawing on the right side of brain
a doodle, sketch or painting every day
Deedee
Have you all begun holiday gift shopping yet? What are your favorite places to browse for inspiration? I’m always looking for unique Christmas ornaments for my MIL and handy or charming items for my own parents and BIL/SIL.
anon
I usually pick up interesting things for family & friends while I travel: Scottish Christmas tree ornaments, wool blankets, cashmere sweaters & scarves; Dutch tulip bulbs and ceramics; I bought some nice linen bedsheets in Lithuania; crazy-design aprons in Mexico etc. I am heading to Paris next, so handbags or small leather goods, fancy homegoods from the shopping malls will probably be added to the collection. I also gift cosmetics often, that’s one of my hobbies. And Ikea Natjasmin bedsheets – whenever I have guests, they ask me where are the bedsheets from…they are super soft and have a silk finish. They were out of stock for ages, so when I got notification of them being back in stock, I ordered 10 and plan to send them to my guests. I also like to give yearly subscription to online fitness classes.
I like French department stores for inspiration, local bookstores for book inspiration. Then I think what hobbies or obsessions or future projects my friends & family have [e.g. sister is moving to Italy in January, what could make her relocation nicer; mom loves gardening, is there any local plan that I could bring her from travels].
Sometimes, bloglovin has good content.
anon
I’ve started an ideas list but no actual shopping yet.
Cat
I take notes throughout the year of things I hear people say they ‘almost bought’ or admired, etc, and try to go for that stuff. However, I shop mostly at retailers where they can easily exchange for something else if they no longer want or need the gift.
Ribena
Similarly to Cat, I keep notes through the year when I see things that might suit the people I buy for. Everyone gets a book, socks, and chocolate!
Anon
My mid-sized city has several little boutiques that have these types of items. I usually set aside one Saturday in November and go to a bunch of them and buy most or all of my gifts then.
aBr
One of the local charities does a 20% holiday shopping card in October, we normally wait for that then stock up on a large supply of nice, yet non-descript gifts to restock the gift cupboard (mugs, novelty tea towels, candles, dorky novelty items and ornaments, etc.) and use those for holiday gifts. I gave up on thoughtful, meaningful gifts years ago. You can check Kitty Keller Designs. They have enamel ornaments that are pretty ubiquitous in shops down here. I’ve also had really good luck with felt ornaments off etsy.
Lizard
TBH I browse using Amazon Gift Finder. Really easy to snag things and add them to idea lists.
Anon
The Strategist off of New York Magazine’s website has so many great shopping cues, and they do a holiday shopping rundown in November every year. Recommend!
Downshifting career regrets
Has anyone on this board downshifted their career and regretted it? Would love to hear more if yes. Debating moving out of a high stress, long hour, “elite” career track (think big law to in-house, though I’m in finance). While I have children, I also debated doing this when I was childless, it’s not solely about family obligations. The main hang up I have is that I’m fairly competitive and always go for the most selective path in life and I’m worried what it will do for my self-perception if I shake that up. I may be fine with it, lots of times I think that’s my past self talking! But what if it’s not…
Betsy
My career path is nothing like yours, so take this with a grain of salt. However, when I’ve made career decisions based on what I think “should” make me happier while ignoring fundamental parts of my personality, it has worked out poorly! It would be nice to say that you don’t want to restrict yourself to the most selective/competitive path anymore and just have that work out, but I suspect it will actually leave you disappointed. If I were you, I would try to think about what career shift would satisfy your competitive streak while also giving you some of the benefits you are looking for in a downshifted job.
Clementine
I did this and yes, I have had pangs. Particularly when someone who had been my staffer and I had mentored and taught reached a level over me…
But also – I got to go be the secret reader in my kid’s class. I went on three vacations this summer and didn’t work at all on one of them. I have every weekend off this October and just took my birthday off. I am able to make plans for holidays and not worry that I’m going to be sneaking off to finish a presentation while my extended family drinks wine and hangs out.
What I did discover though was that I could still pursue really interesting work at my ‘lower paced’ job. A former coworker described the mentality of our prior work place as ‘it’s like the Marines. If you leave, it’s because you couldn’t cut it.’ Now that I’m out… I see that there are other places that do great work but it was so much of that toxic culture that was keeping me in and basically took over my opportunities in my 20’s/early 30’s to travel as much as I would have wanted and exist beyond work and the gym and maybe hanging with my spouse and my dog.
Anonymous
I downshifted and have 0 regrets.
Anon
Same. My life is so much better now.
Anon
+2
Anonymous
Can you channel your competitive streak into something else? Eg. Downshift your job but focus on running a marathon, being a super involved parent, traveling more, …or, whatever. You don’t have to be the top at literally everything; your job can be a place you get the slack to focus on other things.
Cat
I have a similar personality and had similar worries, but made the jump. Turns out it’s the “knowing I did a good job” part of the career that provides me that aspect of self-worth, not the “because I’m in this job, others (and I) believe I’m smart and powerful” part. PS – it’s only other people in similar jobs that care very much about the second. My relationships with family and friends have 1000% improved.
That said, I’ve known 3-4 people who made the jump, found out they missed the pace and intensity of the old job, and bounced right back, now with the benefit of having “in house” perspective.
Monday
Your first paragraph, so much yes. When I left academics, I felt like such a failure and a loser. But it turns out there’s a whole world of people who don’t care at all, and who are much better served by me doing a good job at something else! And having a normal and sustainable life! These prestige-intensive careers are most (only?) impressive to the people in them.
Anon
That’s the truth!
I went in house, which people say is a less prestigious career, but somehow each spot is incredibly competitive to get.
To everyone other than the “hard charging” litigators or whatever, people just want to know if I can tell them how to get out of jury duty.
Anon
As an in-house person, I also now direct the activities of my biglaw outside counsel…Once I was on the other side I realized that thinking of in-house as less prestigious was sort of the biglaw-koolaid that no one else drank.
Cornellian
your last sentence, ha. So true. Talking to some of my friends still in BigLaw is fascinating, it’s like their whole world is jockeying among 20 law firms in Manhattan and drama associated therewith.
Monday
I totally believe that. My parallel experience is looking at the Twitter conversations among people I used to work with (in academics). I’m so glad I no longer have to care about the jockeying.
Anon
Yeah, I don’t think of BigLaw as all that prestigious? I’m a GC for a mid size company, handle international work, travel, cool new projects, etc. I think if I described my job to anyone outside the industry, they’d pick mine over a BigLaw partner
anon
I think it’s good that you’re being extremely thoughtful about this. There is nothing wrong about acknowledging competitiveness in yourself. I think your post is clear about why you have trepidations, so let me ask this question: what is motivating you to make the change?
I was a biglaw partner and was never interested in moving in-house, even though I was tired of the stress and long hours, partly because I got to do amazing sophisticated work and partly because yes, I enjoyed the prestige/sense that I had made it to the most elite level of my profession. Eventually, a very high-level in-house job landed in my lap, I jumped at it, and I’ve never been happier. The competitiveness itch is scratched slightly by the fact that it is a quite senior high-prestige role, and the work is incredibly interesting and full of new challenges. I would not leave until you similarly have access to an opportunity that you feel excited about in that way.
anonshmanon
totally agree with that first paragraph. Is a certain piece that you describe as your self-perception preventing a change that other parts of you want to make? It can be freeing to explore the roots of such views, whether they still serve you now, and consider that one’s identity doesn’t need to be fixed over time.
Anon
I feel like not being on the high stress track gives me more time to be intense in other areas of life. Now I theoretically have time to be (not real examples) that annoying lady in yoga class who does all the weird headstands, lunchbox obsessed mom who cuts my child’s fruit into fancy shapes, overbearing PTA leader, lady training for marathon, person whose yard looks like a botanical garden, etc. All of your past achievements will still exist, too! Now you’re just becoming a more well-rounded competitive person. It’s fine to just stay in that job though, if you’re happy there.
Anon
If I were you, I’d seek therapy about being so competitive. That’s not mentally healthy in the long term.
Monday
If not therapy, read some Brene Brown on vulnerability. For me, it was always about not showing any weakness or having any needs.
Anon
Just live your life, OP. People can be different and it doesn’t mean you need therapy or freaking Brene Brown.
Anone
Agreed. This is ridiculous.
Monday
Pretty meta that my suggestion to maybe read Brene Brown gets attacked as being too extreme or somehow insulting. Even worse than therapy! Insight and support, courtesy of Anons.
anon
+1000 to Anon at 12:19. Everyone on this board seems to jump to therapy as the solution for everything. As someone who has been in therapy for most of her adult life, I can affirmatively say that while it has made a difference, it cannot solve all of your life problems. And in any event, I don’t think being “competitive” is a sign of questionable mental health.
Anon
Ignore this, OP.
I am competitive. It is a problem if I let it be a problem, just like anything else.
Anon
Sounds like you need therapy too
Anonymous
Wait, what? Why does someone need therapy for being competitive? That’s a legitimate, healthy personality trait. This has gone too far…
Anon
I don’t take life direction from people who use “you need therapy” as an insult. Sorry!
Anon
Being competitive is not a healthy personality trait. It’s gross.
Anon
Tha Anon who is flipping out about how competitive people need therapy is likely herself veeerrrry “competitive,” in that she’s constantly comparing herself to others, but is too lazy to do anything to better herself. She wants us to be lesser so she can be bigger.
Anon
Anon at 11:57 – lots of assumptions you made there, but no I am not competitive at all. More like sick and tired of seeing certain women shove other women to the ground in a rat race to the top all in the name of “oh I’m a competitive person.” Competition is not helpful in the workplace. It is not a good personality trait and it’s worth some further reflection if you feel “competitive” describes your personality and behavior.
Anone
No, YOU need therapy. See how that feels?
I doubt that any actual therapist who is good at their job would start telling random people on the internet that they need therapy because they are competitive.
Think about the reasons why you think it’s helpful or appropriate to do that.
Anon
I already go to therapy and believe a lot of people could benefit from it, so telling me I need therapy doesn’t hurt me at all lol.
Anon
Yeah this is nuts. Nothing wrong with being competitive unless you harm others in the process.
Anon
You need therapy seems to be the go to response from people when they encounter someone who has a different outlook. Sometimes I wish I was more competitive bc I often just don’t give a…..
anonshmanon
you probably need therapy, lol.
Anon
Or the person the other day who basically chalked up the difference between ask and guess culture to neurodivergence.
Anon
Anon, I’m 100% correct that you are unloading onto us because you have issues. You even admit this. Like everyone who knee-jerk screams that someone “needs therapy” for very benign traits, statements, or actions, YOU are the one who needs to talk to a licensed professional.
Anon
How did I admit this? By saying I go to therapy? Mentally healthy people go to therapy too. It’s just like exercise. Do you think that people who exercise are unhealthy because they are exercising? Obviously not. You are just contributing to the stigma that going to therapy means something is “wrong” with you. Telling someone that they could benefit from exploring a self-identified trait in therapy isn’t the insult you seem to think it is. And the fact that this simple suggestion blew up just proves my point. Have a great weekend.
Anon
Just stop, Anon at 1:22 pm. Being competitive is not a trait requiring evaluation by a mental health professional. Full stop.
Bring this conversation to your therapist and take what is told to you to heart.
NYC
My husband has had some success addressing in therapy his need for status and prestige from a job. He made the downgrade recently and seems a lot happier for it. It took years of therapy to come to terms with it though
Anon
I downshifted end of last year/early this year. Have never once regretted it. I actually love the substance of the job way more and I have so much free time to pursue things I really love. I feel like my life is all around better.
Anon
I have a friend who left big law and now makes less than her annual bonus. She’s much happier and her husband can be the primary breadwinner. I think it helps to look at it as though you didn’t enjoy it, not that you couldn’t cut it. You already “made it” and proved to yourself that you could be successful. Now prove to yourself that you can do what is best for your own mental health and be happy.
Elle
I’m in finance and I downshifted a year and a half ago. I left IB to work on a team that manages the portfolio for an insurance co. I genuinely work 9-5 and make almost as much as I did in banking. I have so much more time my young kids, I’m working out the most consistently I have in years, I see my friends more. But also I’m restless and I think that I’m only going to be in a lean out role for 2-4 more years before I jump back into a busier role. I’m studying for the CFA so that I can keep my skills sharp and looking for other opportunities to stay involved.
Anonymous
Make sure you’re actually downshifting. I’m in a job where I’m doing just as much work and nearly the same hours but without the pay and resources now. It’s easy sometimes to assume other rungs will be an easier climb, when they’re just different.
Anon
+1 million. A lot of people tell me to “downshift” in my job (married, kid, small town, Bike Belt) and it’s like – I can work 40-50 hours a week getting paid X, or I can “downshift” and work 40-50 hours a week getting paid 0.3X.
helloanon
I downshifted from biglaw to a legal adjacent role, making a fraction of my old salary. For the most part, I am incredibly happy I made the move. My work is interesting and impactful, my colleagues and clients are lovely, and while my days are often busy, they are not stressful, and I can arrange my schedule and meetings to fit my needs 100%.
Occasionally, I miss the biglaw salary, but I spent long enough in that job to have substantial savings, so it’s more a theoretical “wouldn’t it be nice” kind of pang. I still work in the legal industry and interact with tons of lawyers. Sometimes their work sounds really cool and I have a minute or two of doubt about my current path. Another minute or two reminding myself of all the things I disliked about practicing law quickly resolves that!
Telco Lady JD
I left a private practice job – senior associate, but very public facing and relatively high profile for a job as a government attorney at a federal agency. I’m a GS-15 who’s maxed out the GS pay scale….I work 40 hours a week….almost never work weekends, and I have the best boss I’ve ever had. I miss some of the private practice perks – travel to interesting places, fun clients… But I make as much as I did before (I was underpaid), work MUCH less, and have significantly less stress. The move was definitely worth it for me.
Senior Attorney
I like to say that I have the best job in my entire government agency, and all I had to give up is my pride. As I near retirement I’m not gonna say I don’t have a few pangs (I coulda been a contendah!), but on balance I’m really happy with how things turned out. I have a great marriage, we travel, I do a ton of community work (including some high-profile things that feed my need for recognition), and I do meaningful if not earthshaking or high-profile work at my job. And I’m not actively doing harm, which is more than you can say in a lot of law jobs.
Senior Attorney
Oh, and I was a MidLaw partner before.
Anon
Can you shift the thought process away from going for the most selective path in life to maximizing what you as an individual have to contribute in life? (Or is that not competitive? I’m not very competitive.)
Anonymom
Yes. I’m a big law partner, and I returned to private practice years ago after making the leap to a much less intense government job. I did it because I was about to have my first child and I thought that I would find the tradeoffs in terms of money and work-life balance worthwhile. I was miserable when I returned from maternity leave and went back to private practice litigation a few months later. I made the move back not because I missed the competitiveness or prestige of my old job (although I’d be lying if I said those things don’t matter to me at all)–it was more that I felt like, if I’m going to be working all day and away from my kid, I want it to be doing a job that I love. And it turns out I love litigation, for better or worse. Yes, I work way more than 40 hours a week and my job is much more intense than the one I left behind. But I still carve out plenty of time with my kids, we are all very happy, and I wouldn’t change a thing.
YMMV because my move back was also intertwined with financial considerations — I’m the primary breadwinner and eventually I came to realize that I did want more things for my children that only money can be in the VHCOL area we live in (e.g., a house with a yard). So for me it is hard to think about downshifting because it would be a big financial hit for my family. But I’ve never once regretted my decision to “upshift” several years ago.
anon
Shapewear question – I need help! I’ve rented a stunning 2 piece dress to wear to an upcoming wedding, and the skirt part is high-rise mermaid style with almost no stretch. When I tried it on over regular cotton underwear, I got the damn thing zipped and it looked gooooooooood, but it was tight. A bit more literal wiggle room would be ideal. Like, an inch total at the hips would make all the difference.
I have a workhorse pair of biker-short style spanx that I’ve had forever. They smooth lines and give modesty for short dresses, but I’m not sure they do much by way of actually making my dimensions smaller. Are there shapewear options that would meaningfully smoosh my hips to give me a bit of leeway? I have a few weeks to try options, but won’t have the dress in my possession to practice with until the day before the event.
If it matters, I’m usually a 4 or 6 on bottom (0-2 on top). Link to dress in comment…
OP
The dress: https://www.fitzroyrentals.com/collections/small-rentals/products/double-agent-two-piece-set-by-asilio-rental (If any of you see me in this IRL, pretend you never saw this, haha).
Dress looks very different on me than model. I’m petite and very muscular on top, so the dress gives off extreme bad ass vibes.
Anon
Can you size up in the dress? An inch is close to a size and you want to be able to eat and breathe. Honestly, even if you can displace an inch of hips it’s going to show up at your waist probably.
OP
No – this is the only size they have for the dress. I tried on a lot of options an this was by far the best looking option (IMO) on me.
Anon
If you really need an extra inch, it sounds like you are gambling on the fabric, zipper, and seams being up to the challenge of more tension than may be reasonable. Will you be able to safely sit without something tearing out?
anon
No piece of shapewear is going to shave an inch off the hips, speaking as someone who is hippy.
Anon
Do you have a steamer? Wear the dress around the house for a while to stretch it out a little, then steam it. It should make a difference.
Anon
Personally with dresses I like the kind that is whole body-minus-bust. So it is a pull-on one piece with shorts, tummy coverage, and then bra straps that go around your actual bra. I find this much more comfortable because there is no waistband to dig in
Jules
Okay, first that outfit is fabulous.
I would try a fresh pair of the more heavy duty Spanx; your old ones probably have lost some oomph, and Spanx has some that are have more compression than the original type that was basically the top of control-top pantyhose. I also see approximately one thousands ads a day for Honeylove on my FB feed and that brand might be worth a try. Your hips are your hips and you can’t do anything about your bones, but if you have any excess around the midsection, the shapewear wil help smoosh that in a bit and will help. I have successfully used shapewear to make something wearable that was too tight to wear comfortably.
Anon
If you insist on wearing that, you are going to need to lose some weight before the wedding or you’ll have a clothing disaster when the seam splits as you dance/eat/embrace someone/climb out of a car.
Anonymous
2 pair of heavy duty Spanx. layer one over the other. I’ve read that stylists have Hollywood stars do that for the Oscars and such
anon
Has anyone hired an animal behaviorist, and did it work? I have posted before about my cat’s inappropriate urination issue and I am at the end of my rope. I feel like I have tried all the things. Vet has confirmed multiple times that nothing medical is going on. Yesterday I spent more time cleaning up urine spots than cooking dinner. My house low-level reeks at all times. I love the guy and am very attached, but this is not sustainable. Then this morning, more spots, in different places. So he’s locked in a utility room with his food, water, and box while we’re at work today because I cannot take it anymore. He was crying when I left. I have seriously considered making him an outdoor cat (we have a fenced yard). It’s definitely not without risks but I would rather have him around in some fashion than rehome him. Mostly because I don’t know that anybody will be willing to take on a 3-year-old cat with uncontrollable p!ss issues. As my husband says, there’s probably a reason he was taken to the shelter. :( I feel so sad about how this has gone down.
Anyway, I have found a cat behaviorist in my area and it is stupidly expensive, but I guess we’ll give it a shot.
anon
Yes, I hired one. Unfortunately, we weren’t able to resolve my rescue dog’s behavioral issues and he had to be put down as he had become dangerous to others, but working with her helped me to know that I had tried everything that I could.
We have converted a cat with similar issues to an outdoor cat, btw. She wears a bell to help warn birds that she’s in the area, and made sure that she has access to perches and a dry, enclosed space so that she has some safer places in the event a predator shows up and a way to be protected from the elements. She does sleep inside our house in the winter – in the garage during “regular” winter and inside the laundry room if it gets truly cold (we’re in a pretty warm place).
Anon
I missed your last post, but I’m sorry you’re going through this. I have two cats and love them dearly. You probably got this advice already, but a few thoughts:
– I assume he’s fixed?
– I would clean the house top to bottom in enzyme-specific cleaner. I use Nature’s Miracle stain/odor/virus remover in the red bottle.
– What kind of litter boxes are you giving him? I use Kitangle XL as it’s a large, open box with high sides. I don’t use the lid.
– Make sure he has multiple litter boxes that are not side by side (cats view litter boxes in one location as one box). Place one box where inappropriate urination often happens to encourage him to use it.
– Make sure litter boxes are not in a “scary” location. So not next to the front door, dishwasher, washer/dryer, or other loud machines.
– Many cats prefer clumping litter. My cats like Arm & Hammer clump & seal. I’ve used it for 10 years with no issues.
– Clean each box out with the enzyme cleaner every few weeks.
– Scoop the box 2x/day minimum and sprinkle a little Arm & Hammer deodorizer each time (it will “remark” the box as ready to use)
– It’s possible that his urinating issues stem from stress. I’ve seen that vertical space helps stressed cats. Is it possible for you to install some kitty shelves along one wall?
– Is he seeing other animals in the yard? That is another factor for stress and could elicit a spraying reaction to mark territory.
– Place a Feliway plug-in in each room, including close to litter boxes. You could also try calming spray from Nature’s Miracle – spray it on his beds and around litter boxes (but not in it).
– Play time with a wand toy 15 mins/day minimum. This will help keep him physically satisfied and on a schedule.
This is all advice based on the assumption that there are no other pets or children in the home. If there are, those are other factors to discuss. Again, I’m so sorry this is happening, but I think you can get through this. I would consult the feline behaviorist in your area as they can assess your home and individual needs of the cat. Hang in there! Feline harmony is surely coming your way.
Anonymous
Great advice, only thing to add is use unscented litter! Scented litter is basically trapping your cat in a bath and body works it’s torture and often causes them to pee in unscented areas of the home.
anon
I have done all of this. The enzyme cleaners, the Feliway, the 3 litter boxes, the unscented litter, the increased playtime. He happily jumps on dressers for his vertical leaps. I keep the blinds closed while we’re at work. I am at a total loss. None of it has made a measurable difference. He’s also on kitty Prozac.
We do have kids. They adore him but possibly their mere presence stresses him out? Here’s hoping the behaviorist can do something for this poor cat.
Anonymous
In the U.K. (I know we have less large wildlife) many if not most cats go ‘outside’ which does have its dangers but it’s totally normal here. In reality that means they have access through a cat flap to the outside during the day and are shut in safe at night. I feel your pain as we rescued a cat with the same problem and eventually it just stopped but it was really stressful for about 18 months. If you can get speak to some past clients of the behaviourist I’d give it a go. I’d also consider letting him out during the day, it really tires them out and gives them something else to focus on.(I’ve had indoor/outdoor cats and currently have two indoor only). He won’t stay in your yard all day so expect him to wander but please if you do it bring him in safe at night. Our cats who have gone outdoors loved it but also loved the home comforts. So much of the peeing if it’s not medical is habit so another option could be confine to the laundry room with short excursions out into the house supervised to try break the habit. I’m sorry you are going through it as it really sucked when it happened with our beloved cat.
Anon
Being locked in a room with a litterbox may actually be one of the approaches recommended (sometimes it can help them get used to the litterbox if they’re not litter trained). But do you know if this is inappropriate urination or if it is marking? They’re very different behaviorally. I feel frustrated for you that the veterinarian isn’t helping more. Did they not suggest any behavioral strategies? Did they consider anxiolytics?
I have not ever hired a behaviorist. Part of me is skeptical that behaviorists have any secret tricks up their sleeves that can reprogram a former tom cat who developed a habit of marking prior to being neutered (for example), but I have seen consulting a behaviorist recommended as a last step. And I know cats are highly trainable so maybe they could get through to the cat if this would respond to communication or training. Can you ask the behaviorist what their success rates are, or ask for references, or ask what’s reasonable to expect?
As for the fenced yard… I don’t know what your neighborhood is like, or whether this cat has been an outdoor cat before and enjoyed it, but some outdoor and indoor/outdoor cats have a really high quality of life. Yes, the risks can mean that it’s a shorter life, but ethically I don’t see it as different from other quantity/quality of life decisions that we make when caring for animals. Humans are known to be safer if we stay indoors too, but it’s not what we want for ourselves. You may need more aggressive flea, etc. meds and vaccinations if this is where things are heading though! If he’s unhappy outdoors, then I think you’re in a more difficult situation.
anon
It started as marking, which was bad enough. But now we’re actually finding pee spots in the middle of the room, so the problem has progressed.
Sometimes the cat likes outdoor time and sometimes doesn’t want it at all. This morning I tried putting him out and he was yowling so much that I resorted to taking him inside. He also managed to rip up the weatherstripping on the door trying to get in, so my DH is going to be THRILLED about that.
Anon
This sounds like an awfully high level of distress. I am sorry he’s having such a rough time, and that therefore so are you.
Anon
I remember your prior post. I am so sorry things have not gotten better. I had a cat with similar issues – he basically ruined 3 sets of furniture among other things. We tried but eventually had to put him to sleep. This was about 10 years ago and it still makes me so sad. I don’t know what else we could have done – it was not sustainable and we couldn’t even have people over because we couldn’t get rid of the smell since it was a daily occurrence. The last straw was when my toddler put his face on the sofa and it was full of cat pee. Anyway, all this is to say that if you have to make that hard decision, this internet stranger understands. Sending you hugs!
anon
I have sadly considered whether that’s the path we’re on. Was your vet supportive? Like how did that conversation even start?
Anon
We actually went to a different vet to do it. I was so embarrassed and felt horrible about it. We even told everyone that he got sick and had to be put to sleep. It was very distressing. But we really tried everything for several years and we just couldn’t do it anymore – emotionally and financially (in terms of the furniture and other items he ruined). Because we live in an area where there are random wild animals, I didn’t feel like it would be a good thing to let him go outside and he wasn’t one who ever wanted to be outside anyway. Good luck – it is so tough but ultimately for us, I don’t know what else we could have done.
Anon
I actually think this is brave and sensible.
Anon 2.0
It is okay to make him an outdoor car. If you are looking for permission, this is it. We had a cat when I was growing up that started off as an indoor car but got a taste of the outdoors and could not be contained in the house anymore. If you even tried to open the door he would zoom straight towards it and any attempt to keep him inside meant scratches galore. Did he live a shorter life because he was outside? Maybe. But was he the happiest little kitty running outside all day and night? Yes, yes he was.
Senior Attorney
Same here. Some kitties just want to be outside, no matter what.
Woof
I think your cat would be happier being an outdoor cat, with a bell, lots of food and water, and a warm cat house, and fun perches near your home. This is untenable, and i could not live with this either. And who wants to lock a cat in a room all day?
anon
I definitely don’t think being locked in a room will contribute to his quality of life. I’m just so, so sad. I love cats and have forever. Kitty is not my first indoor cat, FWIW. If we go the outdoor route or rehoming, I’m don’t think I’ll ever adopt another cat who is beyond the kitten phase. I bought the line hook, line, and sinker that there are so many adult cats who need good homes. And while maybe that’s true, there are a number who end up in shelters because they’re not able to co-exist with their humans. My dude may fall into that category, sadly.
Anon
This is exactly why A. our indoor cat became an indoor/outdoor cat (he lived to the ripe old age of 16 and died in his sleep one night, curled up on our couch, despite the dire warnings I heard about all the terrible things that happen to outdoor cats) and B. we never got another cat after that one died. Installing a cat door and letting the cat go outside completely resolved the indoor urination problem within a week. I just don’t think male cats are meant to stay indoors all the time. Fixed or no. They’re not biologically programmed for it. They need room to roam and they need the stimulation of being outdoors, the same way our dogs need the stimulation of being walked daily. Female cats, maybe it works; I never had one, so I don’t know. We did all the recommended actions to stop our cat from spraying in the house, but after two ruined couches, countless ruined rugs, and flooring that got so saturated we had to replace it, I was done. We now have dogs and until I die, we will only ever have dogs. Much easier to deal with, IMO.
Anon
I have had many cats, and I think of dogs as so much worse when it comes to household accidents!
I do think that cats need to go outside. I took my (male) cats on walks, same as with dogs, and that seemed fine for us. They didn’t have household accidents.
Anon
I have had 2 female cat and 4 male cats during my life, and all lived happily as indoor cats. I don’t doubt that some cats are not happy indoors, especially ones that have spent significant time outdoors before being adopted, but many are. My two male kittens who are about 18 months love looking outdoors but are frankly scared of it whenever I open the door.
Many male cats are happy indoors, even if your one may not have been.
Anon
My male neutered cat has been a happy house pet for 14 years. He was a feral that I rescued as a kitten. I also have a female spayed cat, never any urinary issues.
I’m so sorry this is going on. I would consider a different vet – your’s doesn’t sound that helpful!
Anonymous
Our cat did this till we moved house and then it stopped completely. Do you have a friend who would be willing to try having the cat for a day to see if the behaviour starts right away or the change of scene/smell might work for you like it did for us? It would give you an idea if kitty could be rehomed.
anon
what about building a very large catio? Sounds like it may be worth the money and hassle to have the cat safe.
Murz
Does anyone have the volvo xc60? I’ve had my eye on this car for years as an upgrade from our Nissan Rogue and would love the Hive’s opinion about this car (or any other similar SUVs chosen over the xc60). I’m most excited to upgrade to have heated seats (!!) and better car speakers. Tech is nice, but I’m overwhelmed generally with the computer-looking screens in all of the new cars nowadays. Any insight is much appreciated. TIA!
Anon
I done have the XC60, but I have a Volvo station wagon. They really are exceptional cars and I cannot recommend them enough. FWIW, my husband has a newer Nissan and prefers my car for features, comfort, and safety.
Anon
+1 to all of this. Lifelong Volvo fan, always the wagon
Anon
I had it twice as corpo car. I wasn’t a fan of the digital screen and having to swipe and search just to get to basic functions while driving (really surprised a brand priding itself on safety could not foresee this), but I got used to it after a few weeks.
I like that car model overall, especially if you have a strong motor. It is comfortable, quiet, dependable, great height (visibility for driver), looks timeless. Heated seats are must-have where I live. Also, the windscreen heating works amazingly well in winder. No ice-scraper needed. Great safety features, parking assistant/camera. Good consumption. I highly recommend it in Osmium Grey color.
What I didn’t like or what my other cars had better:
The luggage space was relatively small for a car that size. Not an issue for me on a day-to-day basis, but when I needed to move more luggage, it required some tetris skills.
Seat comfort is very good, but m Mercedes GLC had superior: I didn’t have to shift my bottom once on a 7hr drive.
I had issues with music streaming, had to take the car to the dealer.
It is still a car I would gladly take as my new corpo car, I would still choose it over a BMW, but if I could choose, I would take Mercedes GLC.
Anonymous
Not the op but thank you this is helpful, can you tell me more about your Mercedes?
I have a BMW X3 35(I think?). It’s five years old and not looking very chic anymore but I love it. I’m wondering what you like about the Mercedes and not the bmw? Volvo feels like a downgrade but I’m tying to stay open minded.
Vroom
Seconded. I have a new X3 M40i and I love it. I considered the Volvo but it was not exciting to me.
anon
I have driven BMW X3 a few times on a business trip, I have no long-term user experience, so take it with a grain of salt.
When I was choosing my last company car, I actually had to negotiate the deal. At least in my corner of Europe at that point of time, I was able to get a better engine [huge factor for me] and better add-ons with Mercedes vs BMW. Therefore, in my eyes, the value/money ratio plays in favor of Mercedes.
I like simplicity while driving and Mercedes had more user-friendly interface for me [this is fully subjective].
The way the car sat on the road was also better [for me] in Mercedes: it held well in curves, it had air-suspension so I haven’t felt any bumps in the road. BMW has a slightly different setting, it is more of a sport set-up and despite it being an SUV, I felt the road uneveness a bit more vs Mercedes. I have 3 spinal discs damaged, so I focus more on smoothness of the ride vs average person.
The seats felt like a cushion, while providing good support in all the right places. Again, due to my disc issues, this is crucial. In a less-optimal seats, pain strikes in my lower back and radiates to my legs after 1.5-2hrs. I could drive in Mercedes for 6-7hrs without even needing to shift in my seat.
Both, BMW X3 and Mercedes GLC are great cars, don’t get me wrong. For me, it was a question of better value/money* and then the few comfort elements [mostly suspension and seats] that made me choose Mercedes.
*Please note that I am not commenting on the cost of maintenance as this was covered by the company.
Anon8
So I went from a Nissan Altima to a Volvo XC70 to a Mazda CX-5 over the course of 10 years. I like cars that feel fancy and a little high end but hate touchscreens in cars and having to look through menus for everything. I’d recommend looking at a Mazda CX-5 over the Volvo for a couple reasons.
– You may already know this, but I didn’t when I bought my Volvo– “luxury” car brands cost a fortune any time you have work done on them. It seemed like anytime there was a problem with the Volvo it cost $1,000 minimum to fix.
– I test drove a bunch of cars before I went with the Mazda and it had by far the most high-end feeling interior of any of the cars at that level. Obviously the Volvo interior will be nicer, but it also costs a lot more.
– Minimal gimmicky tech, and importantly (for me) no touch screen! Mazda has a screen but you control it with a knob. Most of the controls for the car are on regular buttons, not hidden in a menu.
– The picture quality on the backup camera has a really high quality image.
– The package that I got included Bose speakers, heated seats and a sunroof. Per my dealership this is the most common package they come with.
If you have the money, the Volvo is definitely a nicer car, but if you’re looking to save some the CX-5 is worth checking out.
anon
I have a CX-5 (signature version) and I love love it.
Anonymous
I test drove one when car shopping and found the seats weirdly uncomfortable, though this may just be a me thing. I will say most SUVs have heated seat options these days, depending on trim level. (I test drove Rogue, XC60, one of the Lexus SUVs I’m blanking on-RX, I think?, several Toyota SUV models, and Subaru Forester and Ascent. I ended up with a Forester with the highest trim level, kind of to my surprise as I’m usually a Toyota person. Part of the reason I liked it was it had more actual physical knobs for climate control instead of just operating everything off the touch screen. I did really like the Lexus, but ultimately couldn’t see it as compatible with my rather filthy outdoor lifestyle (my car tends to get a lot of use hauling horse supplies or gardening dirt and the idea of putting bags of dirt in a Lexus kind of made me cringe))
brokentoe
I have driven XC90s for the last 10 years and my sister has an XC60. Love, love, love. Safety is the biggest selling point for me and after a fairly serious rear end crash (thank you texting, uninsured driver) I will drive nothing else. Get the heated seats in all positions and while I originally thought it was unnecessary, the heated steering wheel is amazing. Also LOVE the automatic bright headlamp function – we travel out in rural areas on two lane roads a lot (serious deer country) and the vehicle senses when to turn the bright headlamps on and off depending on opposing traffic or vehicles ahead of you.
Anonymous
YES heated steering wheel. That was definitely the one feature on my car that I was like “well that just seems excessive” and turned out to be one of my favorite things ever (and I don’t even live in a particularly cold climate)
Senior Attorney
I have an Audi SQ5, which is similar, and I love it. Very comfortable, drives like a car rather than a truck, all the comfort features, and I love love love the “drone cam” which simulates a camera hovering over the roof and lets you see all angles while parking.
Anonymous
We have one that is old enough that it doesn’t have the screen stuff. I think it is a 2016? We got it used and don’t drive a lot (live in NYC). We generally love it except:
-the drains on the sun roof get clogged fairly easily, which causes water to leak into the floor of the car. This would probably not be an issue if we didn’t leave it outside year round (park on the street).
-ours seems to need a new alternator or something – battery drains weirdly and no one has been able to diagnose why.
-related – a surprisingly high number of mechanics will not work on a volvo for some reason.
Anyway, we’re happy with it in general. If you just want heated seats, you could have them installed on any car though; my husband DIY’d this on the ancient SUV we had before. Ditto for upgrading speakers.
Anon
Grief and loss and living with grief have come up in several threads recently. I know I am struggling with this right now. I don’t know if it would help anyone else to talk about it. For me I find that losing someone brings back a wave of grief from everyone else I’ve ever lost. It feels like my life is veering away from course more and more.
A friend lost a parent and though it’s a trip, I was thinking of attending the funeral. But I am not sure I am up to it; it feels like a circles of grief thing where I might end up melting down instead of supporting the bereaved like I intend to. I am not sure what I’ll decide.
Anon
I have a friend who is an oncologist and she never attends funerals, but she always offers to be the one coordinating things at the reception venue. So, her role is very helpful for the bereaved as she takes a mental load off of their plate and handles the logistics, set up, etc for that but she can’t attend funerals because she compartmentalizes her work so much that attending a non-work funeral will bring back tough memories of patients she’s lost and so one of the ways she copes with being in such a tough field is by attending no funerals ever. The other main way is that even now in her late 40s and with a family, she is either hosting a party at her house or going out dancing or something like that every week. She drinks, but isn’t a huge drinker (often DDs) but she needs to get out and do something really fun. The rest of our friends would be content to meet up over dinner or something and she’s always pushing to find some music and dance.
anon
This isn’t so much a response to your post, but something it reminded me of. FWIW, I also am zapped back into remembering my own losses when someone else shares their grief. My employer’s employee resource group for Latino coworkers is highlighting dia de los muertos, and I am trying to get a better sense of this concept to remember the dead and what was special about them, not in the context of private grief, but as community celebration. But it’s certainly a big shift from how I think about the dead now.
aBr
It is ok not to go to the funeral. It is ok to take your friend out two months from now. Whatever you decide to do is ok. With that said, I really like Pauline Boss’s books on grief – The Myth of Closure is really approachable and a quick read. She writes about ambiguous loss, because well, it is complicated and we don’t all get a neat and tidy bow concept of closure – e.g., sometimes you are grieving the relationship that you thought you could have had with someone if they lived longer.
Anon
Thank you for the recommendation. I know I am grieving the future plans that will never happen now. Sometimes it feels strangely selfish or self-centered that my grief over the loss of loved ones has become mixed up with the absence of their contributions to my life, but I think I need to think seriously about making changes so that I’m not just going without (new plans for the future, new things to do when I would have been doing something with them — maybe there’s something to the oncologist’s dance nights).
Anon
Thank you for recommending Pauline Boss. I made it through the Myth of Closure article she wrote with Donna Carnes, and it really, really helped me think through the might have beens, the questions, the guilt, and the all the rest on this rough day.
Anon
I will say that I appreciated when people came to the funeral and also cried with me, as long as they didn’t expect me to comfort them.
If you do not want to go to the funeral, then that is perfectly fine. But don’t hesitate just because you’d show your grief there. It’s lonely grieving alone, and seeing that others are affected was validating for me.
Anon
Thank you; this helps to know.
Anonymous
Yeah a funeral is sad. It’s fine to cry. But show up for your friend.
Anonymous
A friend lost a parent and you’re making it about you and your feelings? Get yourself to the funeral. Bring tissues.
anon
I don’t want to be harsh, but yes, this. It’s fine to cry and have feelings. Skipping would not feel right to me.
Senior Attorney
Agree, though gently. My personal rule is “always go to the funeral.”
Anon
Thanks. This has usually been my rule. It helps to hear that I’m complicating things and not making good sense.
helloanon
It meant a lot to me to have friends show up at my parent’s funeral, but receiving cards, texts, flowers, etc. was also a wonderful comfort. Do what feels right for you, but please do reach out in some way, even if just to say “thinking of you.” If you have any memories of your friend’s parent you can share, do that in an email or card. It meant a lot to me to hear about the things other people appreciated about my parent.
Annie Nominous
Has anyone listened to the Anderson Cooper podcast on grief? I recall a convo he had with Stephen Colbert on grief that was amazing. They have both suffered great losses and have really profound things to say about dealing with grief.
Anon
I’ve listened to it now.
I think it helped me just to watch them talk to stop feeling hung up on how I’m crying every day over my own loss, and lost in my own feelings, as if that is getting in the way of being there for a friend. I am thinking it is the opposite and people who are grieving need each other. Thank you.
Telco Lady JD
I lost my mom this spring, and three of my best friends flew across the country to be there for the funeral and travel back home with me. (We all live in the same place.) They showed up for me in the best way, and I will never forget their kindness.
jdmd
It’s very normal for old griefs (or trauma of any kind) to resurface whenever you experience a new loss. If you can, try to observe the sadness in yourself without self-castigation. Offer yourself a lot of gentleness and grace.
Anon
tldr: Is it a red flag that a hiring manager is taking several months to decide who to hire?
I applied for a job almost six months ago and have gone through multiple rounds of interviews, and hiring manager has still not decided. I wonder if the indecision is related to the fact that they are a new manager and sign of problems to come if I were to work for this person. And this is not a government employer or other situation where there’s significant burocracy at play. Employer is actually one I REALLY want to work for so until this slow process I really thought this was my dream job. WWYD if you got an offer?
Anon
I don’t know if about this particular situation, but my current boss takes forever to make hiring decisions (not six months, but a couple of months minimum), which is so annoying, but otherwise has been fine as a manager.
Grace
I had a job application take a ~5 months with like 6 rounds of interviews. During that interview process for one firm, I applied, interviewed, and accepted an offer from another firm before the original firm even scheduled me for my final round interview. I figured that the original firm either 1) wasn’t 100% sure of me or 2) wasn’t sure about their financial situation. Both seemed like red flags so I’m happy I kept interviewing with other firms and picked the one I did. YMMV if the position is truly a perfect fit that you may not be able to find at other companies.
Anonymous
I would ask directly why it took so long. You might get a totally reasonable explanation- budget issues, someone else was lobbying to use the role differently, they had to consider internal candidates, etc etc. or heck, even “it was a low priority because ABC was on fire this month.”
Anon
They probably started interviewing before securing funding for the role.
Anon
It would be a big red flag for me and I would openly ask the recruiter.
pugsnbourbon
It could be a sign of a not-great manager or it could signal a work culture where everything must be decided by committee. That said, I worked in an arts-adjacent nonprofit where decisions about director-level roles could take 3-6 months.
LawDawg
When I interviewed for my previous job, the hiring manager told me that I would get an offer. The actual offer came a few months later. When I started working there, I found out that this was how he handled everything — sitting on decisions, not responding to others until the umpteenth request, generally being wishy-washy. I lasted two years and hated our incompatible work methods. This may be a sign of how all of the work is handled at the organization. Take advantage of this time to look into this more.
Anon
No, it’s likely you aren’t the first choice but not out of the running. It’s also rare that things are hung up because someone can’t decide, there’s other factors like budgets and internal process. I’ve taken jobs where I was initially a runner up, not first pick and it’s worked out great. So don’t let that get in your head if it’s a job you want.
anon_needs_a_break
Do you know for sure that the length of time is because they “can’t decide” or is it because the process just takes a long time (ie, juggling multiple hiring committee members’ schedules, vacations or other out of office stuff, a busy season for the work, etc.)? If it’s truly because they “can’t decide” then yes it is a red flag. If it is because there is a multi-step hiring process (my old org was a 4-5 step process on purpose and it took months to hire as a result) then is different (though still may be a red flag and sign of the culture internally).
Anon
Do you know the delay is due to the hiring manager’s indecision and not internal bureaucracy? I would evaluate those two situations differently for sure.
Anon
There’s such extreme information asymmetry from the candidate side that, after one truly bad experience, I’m extremely wary of any red flags during the process. Perhaps if you asked and got a convincing reply related to factors not directly in the organization’s control, that would be reason to overlook. But if you cannot, I would probably take this as a sign that something is dysfunctional. There could be many factors at play – overworked team and not enough time, this role is not a priority, they don’t have the funding or are re-evaluating their budget after deciding to advertise, or simply that the manager is indecisive
Anon
Thanks to those who encouraged me to question my insurer’s apparent insistence that my facility fee copay for a colonoscopy was a flat fee no matter what was billed. At least one person at my insurer explained I would be responsible for any facility fee “up to” the copay amount. That makes a lot more sense to me, and it looks as though I can save a thousand dollars or two by shopping around.
Apparently this is an issue that is being talked about:
https://www.consumerreports.org/fees-billing/surprise-hospital-fee-just-for-seeing-a-doctor-facility-fee/
https://khn.org/news/article/private-equity-gastroenterologist-colonoscopy/
I’m not sure what I think of absolute “site neutrality” since I can imagine a procedure being safer to perform in one facility than another? Obviously an actual hospital setting would and should cost more.
But it looks to me as though these free standing surgical centers are a bit like free standing “ERs” in that they are charging for the safeguards provided by an affiliated hospital that is actually a separate location. If something went badly wrong, I would need to be transferred by ambulance to the hospital same as if I were coming from an urgent care, minute clinic, or doctor’s office that charged no facility fee, so I don’t see how it benefits me to pay more.
Anonymoose
We are switching daycares for my one year old son this month. His current daycare is staffed with the sweetest and most caring providers, but we have found a place closer to home that provides fresher meals, more enrichment activities, and in the long term, a better preschool. We were thinking of sending a thank you card and gift card for each of the staff that cared for him the last year, and also providing our phone number to say, “if you’d ever be interested in babysitting off-hours, please send us a text with your number,” so as to not put them on the spot if that’s not something they are interested in. Does that seem appropriate or could it be better handled? What’s the right gift card for each provider, $50? Suggestions welcome. Thanks hive.
Anon
I think that’s a fine approach. $50 seems pretty generous to me (I would say $25 is more standard at our daycare center for a year end gift) but I live in a very LCOL area.
Anon
Our old daycare teachers almost always offered us their personal numbers after our kiddo graduated from their class. I think it’s appropriate to ask! Also, if you can afford $50 per teacher, I would do it. The past two years have been brutal for child care providers, and extra generosity acknowledges that.
Anonymous
This wouldn’t be a gifting occasion in my household, especially for every provider. But if babysitter recruitment is on your mind then a card with your phone number and a little token for a specific teacher or two wouldn’t hurt.
Anon
My workplace had had two people take their lives in the past 2 years. Now, we’re “requested” to attend an employee forum where the speaker will give us”tips, tricks, and techniques fo resilience, self care, and while exploring the benefits of healthy laughter with the laughter quotient tool”. I feel like they don’t want to tackle bullying at all.
Anon
I hope you are actively job seeking. If needed, take FMLA to recover.
I worked at a horrifically toxic place that destroyed my mental health. (An attorney there said it was the worst thing he had ever heard happen to a person at F50 company.) Thankfully, people who care about me told me how far gone I was, and I quit. HR and higher ups were deaf to it – I reported the bullying, had corroboration, “brought receipts” as the kids would say, and they didn’t care. Manager even physically threatened me and they didn’t do anything.
It… wasn’t worth it. At the end, I wanted to end my life every day and it took years to recover.
They don’t care. Leave ASAP.
Anon
I also worked at an incredibly toxic place. HR did nothing. We all filed reports. So many people quit (22 attnys over 5 years?), a senior attny was forced to medically early retired, it was awful. They finally allowed (FML) the GC and prime bully to retire early (and go to another agency) after he was accused formally or sexual harassment. Good times. I quit after two years of hell and a lot of therapy and medication.
Anonymous
Yikes on a bike. If you have the seniority to make some sassy comments, please do.
pugsnbourbon
Holy shit. Get the f out of there and help your decent coworkers (if you have any) get out too.
Anon
This is like trying to plug a leaky dam with a bandaid. Please take care of yourself, and others if you can.
anon
Wow, talk about minimizing the issue. FWIW, I am sick of everything being reduced to self-care and resilience. Sometimes the issue goes much, much deeper than the individual.
Monday
+1 million. Working at a hospital during Covid? Guess what- you just need self-care and resilience.
If the employer was going to hold any event right now, it should be a listening session (a real one), with tons of resources handed out about how to access EAP and mental health care. They should probably have an EAP counselor lead the session, too, to ensure it doesn’t just become more management denial and BS.
Anon
A laughter quotient tool sounds like it was invented by an alien.
Anon
Talk to me about chiropractors. My mom and sister are both nurses and act like chiropractors are the absolute worst place you can go to and will multiply any problems you started with. My back feels so tight though – I used to be able to twist in bed and “crack” my back and felt so relieved after doing it. Now, I can’t do it anymore and I hate the tight feeling. I’ve had some muscular back pain as well. I did go see a back specialist and they sort of wrote me off with no treatment options, so I guess my back issues weren’t “bad” enough for them to deal with? Have you ever been to a chiropractor, and did you experience long term problems from going?
Anon
I would try massage first— it can do wonders. I had a nerve that was irritated by some tight muscles in my back and tried all kinds of exercise, stretching, and acupuncture (it wasn’t bad enough for my doctor to be concerned). Then I finally got a deep tissue massage and it’s been gone since!
I have many nurses and doctors in my circle, and all of them have treated people who got severe injuries from chiropractors (not simply making the problem worse, but like strokes and paralysis), so I personally am scared to go to one.
Anon
I should have added that I have tried massages from several different places and it has not helped. It has actually been painful several times.
Anon
chiropractors can ruin your joints and disfigure you.
look into other options.
gmb is great for strength balance and flexibility
anon
I used to work in workers comp insurance and it was amazing how patients never seemed to improve and needed several weekly chiropractic visits indefinitely…until insurance wouldn’t pay anymore and magically the patients were healed. Made me think the whole chiro industry is pretty scammy.
Anonymous
I work in a similar industry. Frankly a lot of the practitioners in my industry are…not great…but chiropractors tend occupy a really weird pseudo- medical space. We have so many problems with them doing expensive sham treatments. (Fake nerve testing, putting people under to crack their backs, treating areas of the body other than the back.) I have no idea if chiropractic treatment itself is as helpful as massage, acupuncture and physical therapy, but I’d be really wary if a chiropractor who wants to do more than treat my back.
Anon
I went to a prenatal chiropractor recommended by my OB and it helped a little, but my muscles were still tight so it never has a lasting effect. Physical therapy was much more helpful.
Anon
Definitely try deep tissue massage. I have a very tight back and go monthly and it’s been amazing for me. I can now twist and crack my back again and I have less pain/discomfort from the tightness. I’ve also met with an ergonomics specialist (provided via work) who helped with my home and office desk set up. I also got a prescription/referral from my GP for hip/back PT for my pain, but I have not yet set up an appointment. I think there’s a lot you can try prior to a Chiro.
Anon
I have done deep tissue massage 3 times and it’s extremely painful and doesn’t help me.
Anonymous
I would look into an osteopath or physio massage. Chiropractors scare me a bit with how sharp the movements are, but I found an osteopath much slow gentle pressure to realign and worked well.
Anon
Chiropractors kill people when they crack necks. Back adjustments are safer, but I’d never let one near my neck unless I was okay with being paralyzed or dying. Physical therapy or massage is a much better idea, though.
Anon 2.0
This. I would never visit a chiropractor after some of the neck injuries I have seen reported. It is an under regulated industry as well, imo.
Anon
I have had much more luck with PT and massage (and core strengthening, like Pilates). As its been explained to me by medical professionals, back problems are often about your muscles pulling your spine out of alignment. Chiropractors don’t fix that.
don’t trust quacks with your body
Chiropractic as a field is rooted in quackery, not science. Accordingly, chiropractors can cause serious harm.
As a next step, you might want a second opinion from a different MD or you might want to go see a physical therapist directly if that’s allowed in your state (it is in California).
Anon
+1 Chiropracters are quacks. It’s not science -based at all.
Anon
If I recall correctly, Cochrane acknowledges some evidence for chiropraxis for lower back pain, but they point out it hasn’t been tested head-to-head against other approaches. There is definitely a reason there is a market for it (as you experienced when you saw the back specialist).
I personally am uncomfortable with how chiropractors are educated and with the risks of some of the adjustments they do (if chiropractor schools are educating people who go out and cause vertebral artery aneurysms and dissections, I am not cool with that; I also don’t appreciate their contributions to vaccine hesitancy in my community). But I haven’t always known where else to go, so in the past, I did let them work on my back when I had issues with pelvic tilt, and it helped a lot. I didn’t have to keep going back either; it was a “once every few years” kind of thing. But now that I know more about the risks, I don’t really want them anywhere near my neck or spine.
My philosophy now is that everything really good that chiropractors do, I can get from a physical therapist, a massage therapist, or an osteopath who does osteopathic manipulations (which aren’t always well studied but at least osteopaths received real medical educations). Or if I want something with a really weak evidence base for a potential placebo effect, I’d feel safer in an acupuncturist’s office since they aren’t going to cause a dissection!
On the other hand, the PT near me who offers IASTM is kind of bad at it, while when I get it from a sports chiropractor, it’s just as effective and a lot gentler, so I see the chiropractor. So I guess I’m a hypocrite. But that’s just my wrists, so the risks are lower.
Aunt Jamesina
There is a huge overlap of chiropractors and antivax and other woo beliefs (and IMO the major professional groups don’t distance themselves enough from those movements and have even embraced them to a degree). The history of the field is fascinating and weird AF. I know some people swear by theirs, but I would go to a PT or other medical professional. I can see how they might help back pain, but many make claims they can help with nearly any health ailment and that seems like a warning bell to me.
An old friend of mine married a chiro and she has progressed from wanting to partner with MDs and doing talks at highly ranked med schools about holistic health to full on Q Anon, Fauci is evil across her professional social media accounts. Despite this (because of this?) she STILL gets invited to speak to major conferences.
Anonymous
I think this really depends on your problem. I went to see a chiropractor, and in 5 sessions I was completely fixed. My hips apparently were out of whack after kid #3 and I was hobbling around with one leg .5” longer than the other. Everything got realigned and has been great ever since.
In your case I’d start with massage.
FWIW my back has been weaker lately as I’ve aged and I have no interest in a Chiro. What I need is muscle strengthen wing and massage, not adjustment.
pugsnbourbon
I imagine you all will be horrified by this but my parents took me to a chiropractor as a kid (I was around 11). My dad had seen him for a long time for back issues and when I injured my tailbone I did a few sessions with him. My mom was always in the room and he made sure I was relaxed before doing any adjustments. I didn’t know chiros were woo-woo until I was an adult, but then again he wasn’t trying to cure my anxiety or anything, just fix my back. I’m fine, but for back pain now I’d start with regular massages.
Anon
My parents were big into chiros in the 90s and I went twice a week for years as a teenager! Horrifying to look back on now.
anon_needs_a_break
My mom always took us as kids!
Now, while I have a healthy skepticism of them, I still sometimes go but as mentioned above i NEVER let them do my neck. But I can’t lie – chiros have definitely helped me immensely over the years.
Notably, one told me (when she was addressing a hip pain and sciatica issue) that my hips were too open/flexible (thank you yoga) and my core too weak to match it so she told me to stop yoga for a while and take up pilates. This tiny thing changed my life significantly and I built up a whole new strength regime that I have kept up for years. I know this is a dumb anecdote but honestly that chiropractor made a huge positive different in my life!
Senior Attorney
Same! My parents took me to a chiropractor in the 70s. Crazy…
Anonymous
I’ll just say that not all chiropractors are created equally. There are 100% quacks who cause major issues and expect you to come back indefinitely…
But I will say that after a bizarre back issue that basically left me unable to bend more than 5% in my early 20’s, a chiropractor I found ‘fixed’ me. The Chiro I found focuses on kinesiology/ergonomics as well as some of the normal Chiro stuff and spent more time on making sure you were walking properly, sitting properly, and evaluating where there were strength imbalances and what you should do to correct those. This is probably what a good PT would do; however, I did find it in a chiropractic office.) A doctor had just suggested muscle
He tends to do less of the ‘cracking’ and more of the ‘okay, I’m going to have you lay here with this hot pack on your lower back with your knees and legs positioned like this and a weighted pad here and then we’re going to do some assisted stretching.’
(FWIW, he’s also very pro-vax and is the type of a person who has no hesitation supporting back surgery when necessary.)
anon
I’m inclined to listen to your mom and sister on this. So many chiropractors are quacks and just plain dangerous. Try physical therapy, especially if you’re having muscle issues.
Lorelai Gilmore
Some chiropracters are great, some are not. Find one with great reviews and try it. I had a terrible shoulder issue and saw a chiropracter who really helped me fix it, in the context of back adjustments and ART and physical therapy and eventually a gym. It was great for my shoulder and also my overall health. The adjustments were the least significant part of it; I think the ART was the most important.
Anon
Go to a physical therapist, not a quack.
Anon
This. Why would you even think about chiropractors as an option before trying PT?
Anon
I would look for a physical therapist or a sports medicine doctor rather than a chiropractor. Either of the first two will be able to help scientifically evaluate the cause of your issues and provide steps or treatment that are not based in woo nor in creating a plan whose main goal is to move dollars from your account to their own.
NYNY
I’ve had great experience with a chiropractor, but I will caveat that he came highly recommended by other bodyworkers I was already seeing. He didn’t do big cracking movements on me, but only subtle adjustments that made a huge difference. You may want to start with massage, pilates, or Alexander technique if you don’t have a line on a good chiropractor.
I know others have very different experiences, but I was a modern dancer in my 20s, and cultivated a team of people to help me with various aches and pains. Physical therapy has only ever helped me when recovering from knee surgery, but the more woo-woo practitioners have done wonders. You can totally ignore the woo.
Anon
“He didn’t do big cracking movements on me, but only subtle adjustments that made a huge difference.”
My chiropractor is like this also. There have been some big changes in how they train new chiros to adjust people in recent years; my chiropractor is younger and uses very different techniques than the first chiropractor I ever went to. I can barely hear or feel when my chiro adjusts me; I know it’s working because when I get up from the table, my pain is gone, and it stays gone. My chiro will not torsion or “crack” my neck and if she has to work on my shoulder (which has been a problem for me since a softball injury in high school) she puts this collar thing on me so whatever she does to my shoulder won’t impact my neck. She has two special tables that she uses for adjusting patients and the tables seem to do most of the work.
As for the “scammy” part – when I went in for my last pain/injury problem, my chiro recommended that I come in once a week for three weeks, and then we could evaluate how I felt. Then I went every other week for six weeks, and I felt much better so I stopped. She recommends periodic “maintenance” adjustments but doesn’t push them.
Also, my $.02: with what we know (and are learning) about the short-term and long-term effects of OTC painkillers, that whole “opioid epidemic” thing, and what I know about overprescribing and the dangers of polypharmacy, I will 100% go to my chiropractor over taking either OTC or prescription pain meds (or muscle relaxers, yikes) for more than 2-3 days.
Squeak!
Similarly to your mom and sister, my mom is a physio so I was well-versed in the absolute nonsense of chiropractors from an extremely young age. I would also recommend a physio or acupuncture at this point. It sounds like you might benefit from some dry needling work. The other thing is that I found a lot of my lower back pain resulted from a weaker core, so I turned to yoga and Pilates, which I have found helps me maintain my back and generally avoid pain. Generally my mom’s rule was to never let anyone manipulate your neck or spine, no matter what kind of medical professional they claimed to be. I’ve generally followed that rule in my life.
Also, fun fact: the man who invented chiro was a “magnet healer’ who claimed he could see ghosts!
Anon
Best thing I ever did. I’m an evangelist for a good chiro. I’ve gone from barely being able to walk to cured in a session. I don’t get the agita about them at all.
Anon
I’m a nurse with a more nuanced opinion about chiropractors ;). I think they’re fine if they also work with you to develop a plan to address the underlying issue (stretching, exercise). If they just take your/insurance money to pop your back every-so-often then I think it’s a scam. I saw a chiropractor during pregnancy/post-partum and he would apply athletic tape to my lower back and give me exercise to do at home on top of the manipulations. The holistic approach seemed to work and made sens to me.
Mrs. Jones
I went to a chiro fairly regularly many years ago, and it caused no long-term problems. Then I started yoga and didn’t need it anymore.
Walnut
You definitely need to do your research. In my experience, the best chiros are focused in the functional medicine space and are committed to resolving the underlying root cause of issues. Body movement and the interconnection of body systems cam lead to a more holistic treatment. As with anything, ask for research and confirm evidence based practice. They think from a different perspective and are a useful part of an overall medical team.
Anon
I’ve had good luck with chiropractic treatment for a car accident as well as throwing my back out. My chiropractor isn’t the stereotypical crack the back practitioner. She uses a high pressure air gun that shoots out air at certain points for the adjustments. She also does sports massage that feels amazing.
Jules
I have been seeing chiropractors for most of my adult life. I have been with the same one for 10 or 15 years, love her; she’s very professional and not woo-woo at all (also took covid very seriously and is fully vaccinated), takes x-rays when needed, refers to orthopedists when appropriate. I go every few months and the adjustments help eliminate back and hip pain, alhtough they don’t totally address an intractable problem with the muscles of one shoulder which is where I carry all my stress apparently. If I don’t go for several months, I really feel it.
However, for tightness you might just start with deep tissue massage.
Anon
See I don’t want to see anybody at least every several months for 10 to 15 years!
Anon
In Australia we have a profession called physiotherapist, would you not see them instead?
Abbie
Have you considered Rolfing? It deals with soft tissues rather than the spine. Rolfing has a bad rep because in the early days it apparently could be quite painful, but I’ve had pretty good luck with more recently trained practitioners, who asked what level of pressure was comfortable. I became a believer after a Rolfer I met on a meditation retreat was able to fix a shoulder injury that hadn’t healed for 6 months despite lots of massage.
Sybil
Recommendations for brands for semi-permanent unusual hair colors? I used to color my hair all the time but it’s been years, and I’m looking for dark blues/purples. I’ve got some grey – I’m fine with those being a brighter color.
Anonymous
What color is your hair? I really liked Overtone, but it doesn’t have bleach and you get better results if your hair is lighter to start with.
Sybil
Oh, relevant info I totally thought I had included. My hair is medium-dark brown but I don’t want to bleach so I’m hoping the blue or purple will show up as kind of a cast over the brown, and brighter on the grey.
Anon
I use Tressa Watercolors shampoo to dye my blonde hair purple. I mix the purple and blue to get a more royal/less pink shade of purple. You can wash with it daily, which deposits more color, or you can put some in and let it sit to get the color initially. Depending on how intense you go with the color, it will wash out in a week or so once you stop using it and start washing normally. It’s neat because you can control to color by using more/less. I’ve had everything from super vibrant purple to what it is now, a light lavender.
Anon8
L’oreal Colorista is surprisingly good! I’ve used the pink and purple and honestly it looked about the same and lasted similarly to my fancy salon’s vivid colors.
Anon.
Overtone worked for me with Rosegold and Purple color, but was very temporary. I have the same medium-dark brown hair color and some grays.
Hot Chocolate
What’s your favorite type of chocolate to use for making hot chocolate at home? I picked up Goya chocolate recently and didn’t love the outcome
Anon
Mixes are very different than melting chocolate, but I really like Starbucks’ double hot chocolate mix. It’s very rich and dark.
Anon
I honestly think that the Land O Lakes hot chocolate packets cannot be beat. Their white chocolate – OMG amazing!
Grace
Ghirardelli hot chocolate is my favorite.
Telco Lady JD
This is my fave also!
Anon
Abuelita!
Anon
+100. Mexican hot chocolate or bust!
Anon
Cocoa powder, sugar, and a few drops of vanilla.
Anon
+1
Anon
Trader Joe’s sipping chocolate or Lake Champlain.
startup lawyer
Mariebelle in NY. It’s very pricey but worth it if you’re just doing the occasional treat.
Ribena
Can you get Clipper (the tea brand) where you are? Their hot chocolate is my favourite to make at home
Anon
Penney’s Dutch cocoa powder, powdered milk, sweetener of choice.
Anonymous
Unsweetened cocoa powder stirred out in a little cold water (to avoid clumps), whole milk or cream, vanilla and a little maple sirup
Choco
Dandelion Chocolate makes a delicious hot chocolate powder. You can order it from their online store. It’s pricey, but decadent. I try to get at least one bottle a year.
Anon
I like Droste or Van Houten cocoa powder, sugar and 2% or fattier milk.
I live in SF and all the third-wave coffee places due chocolate melted into water and I hate it, full stop. Team cocoa powder!
Anon
does anyone have any Adirondack chairs to recommend and/or a swinging daybed for a porch. We are looking for chairs for our front porch and the swinging daybed for a different covered porch. There is a company called The Porch Swing Company that seems to make them – has anyone ever ordered anything from them?
Anon
I have the Polywood adirondack chairs outside all year in harsh temps and weather, and they have been great.
Walnut
+1 to Polywood. I bought some on Wayfair and they are five years strong.
Chl
I love the look of our poly wood adirondacks but they’re kind of uncomfortable. I have had good experiences with yardbird for
Our other (cushioned) deck furniture.
OP
thanks. we have cushioned furniture in our backyard, these are for our front porch
anon
Costco has lots of options on their website. I don’t personally own any but you can read the reviews and pick one. Alternatively, not adirondack, but I was eyeing their Melino wooden folding chair because it’s so pretty!
Anonymous
I had a local company (in Jax) make me a swinging porch daybed. The big benefit to that over ordering one over the internet was that they installed it. it was a big two-man job to install it.
Anonymous
I want to send care packages to my nieces and nephews in college—any thoughts on good things to include?
Anon
I send my famous brownies (doctored up Duncan Hines) and Venmo cash.
Anon8
When I was in college my mom used to send window clings for whatever holiday was next. That and home baked goods were always a hit with me and my friends.
Jules
To those traveling to Philly:
There have been a couple of recent threads about things to do in Philadelphia. If you’re traveling there, please take a visit to the art museum off your list; its employees are on strike.
https://www.philadelphiamuseumofartunion.com/support?link_id=6&can_id=c04bd144d2b7e9cfe095e47c24d91281&source=email-support-museum-workers-on-strike&email_referrer=email_1691413&email_subject=support-museum-workers-on-strike
This NPR piece includes interviews with some of the employees. https://www.npr.org/2022/10/07/1127400793/what-a-strike-at-a-philadelphia-museum-reveals-about-unionizing-cultural-institu
Botox in Philly?
Looking for recommendations for Botox providers in the Philadelphia area — I want to gift some “elevens” Botox to a friend who really helped me out. Thanks in advance!
Cat
Dr. Neustadter https://phillyskinandlaser.com/dermatologist/dr-jason-neustadter/
Cat
In m.d with a link, search Jason Neustadter
Anonymous
I want friends who gift me cosmetic procedures!
Senior Attorney
Same!!
BeenThatGuy
#friendgoals
Anon
If outside the city, friends use Subbio in Newtown Square.
Anon
May I ask if she knows and wants this? My feelings would be horribly hurt if someone gave me a voucher for Botox.
Lorelai Gilmore
I have a cat question. We’re thinking of getting a cat for my 9 year old, who is desperate for one. But I have some questions about this and I feel like the pet internet is a scary and obsessive place. Help me figure out a few things:
1) Do all cats pee everywhere? The comments above make me nervous.
2) How do we find a cat that is cuddly and sweet? My kiddo really wants a cat to snuggle. I understand that animals have their own needs, but we’d like to find one with some cuddling needs.
3) Is it OK to let a cat go outdoors? I keep reading that outdoor cats are the reason why we don’t have songbirds in North America anymore.
Thank you!
anon
Hey, I’m the OP from above, and no, not all cats pee everywhere. My previous kitty boy lived to age 18 without peeing outside the box. I just have a special snowflake at the moment.
Anone
They don’t all pee everywhere, though sometimes they have behavior changes as they age.
If you can visit a shelter, you will probably be able to get a feel for any of the adoptable cats’ personalities. They vary greatly. We do have a snuggler, which is awesome, but he is also very destructive – scratching furniture and rugs. And they do vomit regularly. (I do not recommend white furniture if you adopt a cat!)
IMO it’s ok to let your cat go outdoors, though I know others feel very differently. We live in a warm climate and not on a main road, and both of our cats are fixed, which cuts down on their desire to roam. Neither of mine leave our yard very often.
Good luck!
Anon
I’ve always been told that vomiting regularly isn’t actually normal. I think the idea that it is comes from cat food companies whose foods slow down the GI tract or irritate it a little which makes it hard for them to pass hairballs properly. My cat who vomited ended up with IBD and I was told it had been an early warning sign.
But I still wouldn’t get a white jute rug!
Clementine
1. No. It can be an issue; however, I do think that early neutering helps mitigate it.
2. You need a male orange long haired cat. In my experience, orange males with long hair are your snuggliest. I would look for a kitten.
3. A bell mitigates a lot of this and… yes, there are risks to letting a cat outside but there are other ways to let them out (look up what a ‘catio’ is.
Grace
It’s a stereotype but orange boy kitties tend to be friendly goofballs (my old one was basically a dog in a cat’s body). I also might suggest trying to meet some cats at a cat cafe to see how friendly and snuggly they are. I also think cat cafes tend to favor more outgoing, people-oriented cats.
anon
My orange boy is definitely a dog in a cat’s body. Wants to be held, wants kisses, gives headbutts, follows me everywhere. Very vocal as well. It wasn’t apparent at the shelter because he’s scared and stranger-shy, but boy once he warms up to you he’s the most clingy baby ever.
Anon8
I may be wrong but don’t outdoor cats tend to be less snuggly? All the really sweet and snuggly cats I’ve known have been indoor only.
Grace
Not necessarily! I think you’re thinking of outdoor-only / barn cats, which are basically feral. An indoor/outdoor cat can be very friendly and snuggly.
Cat person
On the cuddles get a young adult whose personality you can observe. Some cats are friendlier and cuddlier than others and I think it’s hard to know when they are kittens. An adult is gonna be fully formed.
Also accept you may get furniture scratches. My attempts to get cats to use scratching posts have been largely failures. You can mitigate by trimming their front claws regularly.
Anonymous
1- no
2- get an older cat who’s snuggly at the shelter
3- indoors only
Anonymous
#3 – if you don’t want to run the risk someday of having to explain to your daughter why the cat got run over by a car, or tortured by a bad guy, got sick, got into a fight with an animal, eaten by a coyote, or all the other bad things that *can* happen, keep it inside.
also it could be a very cool project for her to train the cat to walk on a leash and go outdoors supervised. there are cats who walk on leashes all over twitter and instagram and I find it to be so cute and fantastic and beneficial for the cat
Anon
1) Definitely not! Cats are very finicky about where they go and about cleanliness, and I think this is unusual for a neutered cat (unneutered cats may mark territory which is different). It’s wise to have some enzyme cleaner in the closet just in case (I used Kids’n’Pets which works beautifully), but my cats only ever peed outside the box when something was really wrong medically. Among my friends, I think this has sometimes come up as a stress thing, but the stressors were significant (hosting an entire family for a week, or moving) and temporary.
2) Good rescue groups will help you find cats that are brave, low anxiety, and have high cuddling needs. Some breeders socialize their cats with children so they’re used to children. I think ragdolls are famously relaxed, cuddly, and good with kids if socialized to be. I think the oriental breeds are supposed to be more human-centric and “needy” in general. Maine Coon type cats have a reputation for being very chill and not as easily frightened or spooked as higher strung cats and are sometimes easygoing with kids. But most cats are random bred and it’s going to be an individual personality thing where you’re looking for a kitten who is fearless but not too independent. Foster families with kids can often weigh in on who their most cuddly kittens are.
3) I think it’s not a good idea to plan on letting your cat outside if there’s no need. Many rescues will not adopt out to households that plan on letting cats outside (unless as working cats such as barn cats), and maybe all US breeders will not be willing to place their kittens in a household that allows cats outdoors. Many cats are happy indoors, and if you want a cat that cuddles with your kid, you probably want a housecat, not an outdoor cat who has other things to do.
But as for whether it’s OK for birds, I think this is extremely regional! There absolutely are places where cats can badly decimate wildlife and cause harm. There are also places like my current neighborhood that actually have way more songbirds now than it would have had historically.
This can also vary by cat. Most cats that have all their needs met just don’t hunt all that much, but one cat can become hunting crazed and skew the stats by hunting birds all day every day.
I’ve had cats that hunted birds, but the birdfeeder was still overflowing with birds of the same species, so I haven’t been willing to feel guilt over it. Some of what you’ll read about songbirds and cats is sponsored by songbird organizations that explicitly believe “one bird killed is too many,” and I don’t share that view. I think there’s also effort to shift attention from air quality to cats in some areas (by people who don’t want to take air quality seriously even where it’s actually more detrimental).
ATL
No, they don’t all pee everywhere. I have two cats and neither of them have ever peed outside the box, except for one time when my girl cat was an itty bitty kitten and hadn’t been box-trained yet. By the time they are adoptable-age as kittens, they are fully trained so this shouldn’t be an issue for you.
If you can, go to a cat-specific rescue or shelter or cat cafe with adoptable cats. The shelter workers will know the personalities of their cats and who is cuddly vs who is not. But also sometimes your cat just picks you and will snuggle you even if they aren’t usually a snuggler. I have one who is an ultra snuggly guy and one who is a bit more standoffish but extremely playful.
The outdoors thing is a debate. One rescue I adopted from made me sign a statement that my cat would be indoor-only. My two go outside but under supervision and on leashes so they can get “outside time” but won’t run into the street or get hit by a car. If you’re letting your cat outside unsupervised, definitely get a bell and collar for it, in addition to a microchip!!
Anonymous
1) No
2) A cat that is cuddly and sweet when you are looking that them in a stressful environment like an adoption event is pretty likely to stay cuddly and sweet (One of my cats climbed into my lap and wouldn’t leave at an adoption event, so obviously he came home with us. He is still super cuddly).
3) You will get a lot of strong opinions on this. Most private adoption agencies will tell you know. The animal shelter won’t care. Personally I’m of the opinion some cats do better with an inside/outside lifestyle and just stick a bell on them so the birds have some warning.
And not that you asked, but if you are getting a kitten instead of an adult cat, they do better if you get two instead of one. Also kittens can be a lot of energy. Like a lot.
Anonymous
Most private adoption agencies will tell you no*. Sigh, caffeine time.
Anon
I would go to a rescue that places their animals with foster parents. They will have a sense of the animals personality, where shelter is normally don’t really have a sense. If this is your first car, which it sounds like, the rescue will also be able to provide advice and recommendations for vets, products, ext that you wouldn’t get from a shelter.
I’ve always adopted kittens, and I always ended up with cuddly cats (at least with me and other family members). Maybe it’s been pure luck over seven cats, but I personally believe it’s because I’ve had them from about eight weeks old and spent a lot of time cuddling them as kittens.
Help with designing a theater room
We are converting one of our upstairs room to a theater room. It is a medium/large room – I’d say 15×15? My husband bought movie theater-style reclining black leather chairs and took care of the AV tech aspects. I am in charge of redecorating. We are doing an art deco style. So far I have bought an oriental-style rug with mostly red tones, navy blue curtains and an art deco-style entertainment console and side cabinet.
The wall with the TV mounted on it has one window with navy blue curtains. The wall in the back of the room has three small windows with navy blue curtains. The wall with the door into the room has no windows; it does have space for one painting to be hung over the side cabinet, which is currently housing our record player.
Finally, there is a large windowless wall on the far side opposite from the door, that is currently without decoration. I am trying to figure out what to with it.
I am considering this artwork (we would buy the canvas print or framed canvas):
https://www.greatbigcanvas.com/view/1930s-1940s-theater-marquee-theatre-in-neon-lights,2503367/?size=20×16&coupon=FMQIR&a=1&gclid=CjwKCAjwyaWZBhBGEiwACslQo7gNRhve_O4Vd_so81AAG4C4e3MQ2nZEE5nnGV9GilxxoAtyXSWLehoCy-IQAvD_BwE
I am also thinking of doing wallpaper. I have my eye on this:
https://www.anthropologie.com/shop/cabaret-wallpaper?category=wishlist&color=070&size=One%20Size&type=STANDARD&quantity=1
or this:
https://www.anthropologie.com/shop/trestle-textured-wallpaper?color=025&recommendation=pdp-rightRail-sfrectray-pdprightrailsimilaritems&type=STANDARD&quantity=1
or:
https://www.anthropologie.com/shop/belvedere-wallpaper?color=023&recommendation=pdp-rightRail-sfrectray-pdprightrailsimilaritems&type=STANDARD&quantity=1
I guess one of my biggest questions is IF I do wallpaper, whether to place the wallpaper on just the windowless wall, or on all the walls?
I have never hung wallpaper and my only experience with it is removing the hideous 1980s-style wallpaper that was hung by the previous owner of my first house. I am afraid it may be “too much” once it is on the wall.
If it helps, this is the rug we bought:
https://www.wayfair.com/rugs/pdp/world-menagerie-crook-oriental-flatweave-bright-redwheatgrass-green-area-rug-w005483546.html?csnid=E22B2485-8593-40B2-8D18-DC638549FDBD&_emr=df6f809d-c5d9-434b-a19f-44da76c8a195&_eml=afda9933-6e90-4f97-9b38-87df2de720e6&refid=EML_47630&source=graymatter&experiencetype=2&selectedvertical=3
This is the entertainment console:
https://www.perigold.com/furniture/pdp/twist-modern-art-deco-credenza-p000398589.html?csnid=4B466A0D-9107-4DCB-BBAE-C7D0FF4FAE6E&_emr=7f34eeab-19e2-487b-ace5-a3a1bf8f91d1&_eml=0bcbb835-aeaf-4847-82e1-4e6340ae90ab&refid=EML_61029&source=graymatter
Help?
Anon8
Is it an option to mount the TV on the blank wall?
I’d do an art print like this in a sleek gold frame: https://www.etsy.com/listing/1042799144/girl-with-an-emerald-earring-large-art?click_key=ce12c79c2f06e30f54ddf8ceafd6e72867e78cb1%3A1042799144&click_sum=dbad43db&ref=shop_home_recs_1&frs=1&crt=1&sts=1
I’d also add some sconces on a dimmer for that movie theater atmosphere. There are tons of option if you search art deco sconce on Etsy but here are a couple options: https://www.etsy.com/listing/732909401/deco-wall-fixture-decorative-sconce-art?ga_order=most_relevant&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_search_query=art+deco+sconce&ref=sr_gallery-1-19&frs=1&etp=1&sts=1&organic_search_click=1
https://www.etsy.com/listing/715316130/wall-light-fixture-art-deco-sconce?ga_order=most_relevant&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_search_query=art+deco+sconce&ref=sc_gallery-1-1&frs=1&bes=1&sts=1&plkey=982ca9065510604c377e91478d3429e3a140e73a%3A715316130
If you wanted to really go big with an accent wall you could do a “mural” instead of regular wallpaper https://society6.com/product/art-nouveau-blackbronzegoldart-decovintageelegantchicbelle-epoque_wall-mural?sku=s6-9302312p68a215v760
anon
I’m struggling with burnout. I just don’t really feel like trying anymore. What should i do besides take some time off? what are some other ways to cope?
Anon
Read burnout by Nagoski. It’s really helpful. You need passive rest, active rest and something else to make you excited again. And time!
Anon
I’m in the same boat and was coming hear to ask that same question…. I think I’ve managed three days’ work in the last 2 weeks and I just cannot seem to get back into gear. I go to bed tired and wake up even more tired and defeated.