ByKat Hours Updated
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Coffee Break: ‘Emma’ Pump

Alexander Wang 'Emma' PumpSigh. Gorgeous, gorgeous shoe — and oh so on trend. Current trends seen in this shoe: emerald (color of the year), “single sole” (no platform), ankle strap (they're everywhere!), pointed toe (they're ba-ack), and — just so you can't pull out any pointy-toed, ankle-strapped shoes you may still have from a few years ago — that straight-across-the-toes vamp. I love the vibrant green and the textured leather, as well as the 3.5″ height, which is pretty walkable. The shoe is $545 at Nordstrom. Alexander Wang ‘Emma' Pump (L-3)

Sales of note for 12.13

  • Nordstrom – Beauty deals on skincare including Charlotte Tilbury, Living Proof, Dyson, Shark Pro, and gift sets!
  • Ann Taylor – 50% off everything, including new arrivals (order via standard shipping for 12/23 expected delivery)
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 400+ styles starting at $19
  • J.Crew – Up to 60% off almost everything + free shipping (12/13 only)
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off everything and free shipping, no minimum
  • Macy's – $30 off every $150 beauty purchase on top brands
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off, plus free shipping on everything (and 20% off your first order)
  • Talbots – 50% off entire purchase, and free shipping on $99+

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

152 Comments

  1. I hate ankle straps. They cut off women’s legs and make them look shorter than they really are. And they remind me of Kim Kardashian. I just can’t get along with this trend….

    1. They also make heels easier to walk in, and don’t show at all under pants!

      Signed,
      A lover of ankle straps

    2. I don’t think all ankle straps are stumifying. I think they can be sexy. To me, though, these shoes have one ankle strap and one leg strap…I am much more skeptical of the latter.

    3. I love ankle straps for both the look and the stability. Although I admit I have long legs for my size so perhaps the stumpifying is less of an issue?

  2. It’s odd, I didn’t like these shoes on first glance, but the more I stare at them, the more interesting I find the shoes, and the more I like them, especially the straight across the toes and double ankle strap. Nice pick, Kat.

    2. Me too. I attribute it to the fact that they’re not the type of shoe I’m used to wearing/seeing. But the more I look at them, the more I notice the details and like them more and more!

  3. Calling on the hive. Does anyone know of good resources for learning more about the in-house career path? I’m a 3rd year associate at a law firm, and I’d like to know more about what sorts of jobs are available, what to expect, what growth opportunities there are, etc. I’m a researcher, and research things to death before deciding to take the plunge. Looking for ways to feed this need. I’m not necessarily looking for job openings, although clues as to where to look would help greatly.

    Thanks in advance!

    1. I would like to get the answer ALSO. I have some in’s with Roberta and Jim, and mabye with the supermarkit guy’s (once I proove myself as adept–yay!), but I am NOT that sure I want to be a slave to the CEO of the company as GENERAL council. I am NOT what you could call a YES GAL, b/c I am VERY fiestey! I think on my own two feet and am quick thinkeing. From what I can see, alot of general council’s are yes men (or women) who just do what the CEO say’s. THAT is NOT me. FOOEY!

      But if YOU want to be a YES gal, just send your resume into the CEO at a smaller company, or to the General Council, teling them how you can help their company. YOu can also send them a POWER POINT SLIDE DECK, but make sure you PROVE READ IT FIRST. The manageing partner got mad at ME b/c he did NOT prove read the document that was HIS document, not mine. FOOEY on that!

      Mom wan’s me to drive up to Chapauqua tonite, but I said I would go on the train if Rosa had to go to have the baby tonite. Otherwise, I am goeing up tomorrow on the train. Yay! I am goeing to be an ant again! Yay!!!! I wonder if the baby will shaer MY birthday? I now want my OWN BABY! Where is my husband? He better sow up quick or I have to do the Invitro thing. I want the full package. Show up, my husband, my sweet, show up!!!! YAY!!!!!!!

    2. I think a good resource is Association of Corporate Counsel’s website — you can even peruse their job bank and take a look at what skill set is required for some of these in-house positions.

      Being in-house myself, I will say that if you are a litigator, it is generally much harder to go in-house as those positions are far and few between.

      1. Thanks! I’d probably try to pitch myself as more than just a litigator, and to be fair, I’ve done some non-litigation advisory and regulatory work. I also focus on a substantive area of litigation.

    3. I think the growth opportunities are going to vary depending on the size of the company and their law department – although there may be additional opportunities on the business side, if you are interested in that. I agree with the recommendation to check out the ACC website.

  4. Gorgeous shoes! I love ankle straps b/c they help pumps stay on my skinny feet and ankles. I find that if the strap is not too wide, they don’t cut off the leg line.

  5. Has anyone read anything good recently? I have nothing to do between now and Tuesday, so I could really use some book recommendations.

    1. Trains and Lovers by Andrew McCall Smith was excellent (people telling their stories on the train from Glasgow to London).

        1. Love him too, and he’s wonderfully prolific- just about every time I think of him he’s come out with a new book.

    3. I’ve only read bits and pieces, but I’d recommend The Last Girlfriend on Earth: And Other Love Stories. It’s really, really funny – written by a guy named Simon Rich who was the youngest staff writer for SNL.

    4. I just finished “The Best of All Possible Worlds” by Karen Lord and am now obsessively recommending it to everyone I know. It’s just really beautiful and really unique. And, not as depressing as it sounds from the cover copy.

    5. If you’re geeky: Ernest Cline’s Ready Player One.

      If you like historical romances: Courtney Milan’s A Kiss for Midwinter

      If you like thrillers and WWII: Alan Furst’s Dark Star

      2. Ready Player One was so much fun – I only got half the references, but I loved it.

    7. I just finished “The Dinner” by Herman Koch. At first glance, a straightforward story, but actually rather dark. I really enjoyed it.

      Also just read “The Bone People” by Keri Hulme. I loved the characters and the fact that each had a unique voice. Extremely well-written. Again, rather a dark story but this one has a redemption element to it.

    8. A few I’ve read and enjoyed recently: The Book Thief by Markus Zusak, To Be Sung Underwater by Tom McNeal, and The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls.

    9. Indiscretion by Charles Dubow?

      What kind of books do you like? If it’s mysteries, check out Tana French

    11. I’m in the middle of “Where’d You Go, Bernadette?” and can barely put it down.

      1. I saw that book recommended on the NPR website a while ago- I think their summer reads for 2012- but I’ve been waffling over it…perhaps I’ll go pick it up this evening.

        1. You should. I also waffled for 3 months or so, and bought it and loved it. The story is fantastic, and as an added bonus, the book makes fun of all my pet peeves about Seattle.

          I just finished Cutting for Stone by Abraham Verghese. I highly recommend it.

      1. I also just finished the Paris Wife and really enjoyed it. Especially if you are a fan of Hemmingway, it’s an interesting insight into that era and him personally. Albeit fictional, but I enjoyed it.

    13. I couldn’t get into the book “The Help” but I LOVED the audio book.

    14. I just finished “Started Early, Took My Dog” by Kate Atkinson — loved it.

    15. I’m obsessed with the Outlander series right now. I’m on the last one and don’t know what I’m going to do when I finish. If you haven’t read it, it will definitely occupy you through the weekend.

      1. There’s a new one coming out this year so you don’t have to wait too long. The Lord John Grey books are good as well, if you haven’t got to them yet. Gabaldon also has some short stories set in the Outlander world in various anthologies.

    17. just read “super sad true love story” by gary shteyngart – quick, engrossing, good traveling read.

      i also really, really enjoyed “a visit from the goon squad” by jennifer egan – collection of short stories/vignettes revolving around the lives of an older former punk rocker/music exec, his assistant, clients, etc.

  6. Can someone recommend their favorite interior design/home decor blogs? I’ve seen the usual suspects – Apartment Therapy, Young House Love, etc. – but am curious as to what else is out there.

    Thanks!

    6. I read a ridiculous amount of home decor/DIY blogs. Here’s my list from my reader. I starred my favorites. I started writing descriptions, but my roofing contractor just showed up. :)

      A Thoughtful Place
      Ana-White.com – tons of DIY furniture building plans, and she’s building a house for her mom and MIL in Alaska.
      Bower Power*
      Centsational Girl
      Chris loves Julia*
      Dans le Townhouse
      East Coast Creative
      Emily A. Clark
      Emily Henderson*
      House of Hepworths “hoh” – don’t love the original postings but really like the weekly roundups
      House of Turquoise* – features a different space with a lot of turquoise every day.
      IHeart Organizing – I think she’s addicted to labels, but I like her ideas/style (sans labels).
      It’s Great To Be Home
      Making it Lovely
      Manhattan Nest
      Milk and Honey Home
      Mini Manor Blog
      My Hands Made It
      Nesting Place
      our fifth house*
      Teal and Lime
      the handmade home
      The Inspired Room
      The Speckled Dog
      The Ugly Duckling House
      Thrifty Decor Chick*
      Vintage Revivals
      Yellow Brick Home
      Young House Love*

  7. Hi Hive, I’m wondering if anyone has advice for me. I’m a young professional and have been in my current position for 4 years. I ran into someone I used to part-time work for in place X (he is the head of this office). He vaguely (as in new undefined position, no guarantees) but enthusiastically mentioned that their office in place X has need of specific skills, and maybe I could do it. I have academic commitments that would likely keep me in place for at least 6 months, and my understanding is the visa process for country X takes about the same time, if not longer. What is the best way to follow up on a vague job offer for a potential future position? This would really be an ideal next step for me, and I’m floored to have someone just offer something.

    1. By email, in a few days:

      Dear Head of Office,
      It was a pleasure to see you again at _____. The prospect of working for COMPANY in a ___ role, and working with you again, really piqued my interest. What is a good time for us to explore this new opportunity further?

      1. +1 for correct spelling of “piqued!” If I never read a student essay about things that “peaked” their interest (or, worse, “peeked” it), it will be too soon.

        1. i had no idea it wasn’t peaked!! i’d always mentally pictured my interest as a mountain, so when i hit the ‘peak’ i was very interested . . .

        2. Ha. One of my very early flirts with Professor Bhaer was around him saying “My interest is peaked” in an email, and my responding that I hoped it was piqued, it hadn’t peaked yet! He was so embarassed that it made me like him even more.

          1. *but hadn’t peaked yet. Or, *while I hoped it was piqued.

            Either iteration is more correct than what I actually typed :p

  8. I ran out to the store last night and tried on some designer jeans. GAME CHANGER! They are so much better than the last time I had some (about 2001!). I got a pair of J Brands that are “high rise” so no muffin top. :)

    Thanks to you (cough! enablers!) ladies who recommended looking at higher-end jeans.

    1. Just remember that once you find a brand and style that works for you, look out for sales – designer jeans are one of those things that are always on sale somewhere. I’ve had great luck finding them at Nordstrom Rack, 6pm, and various department store sales for at least 60% off, if not more.

    2. I think I was one of those enablers… Just a warning – you can never go back!

    1. just need a little practice. 4 in is my norm (or kitten heels, i rarely wear anything in between) and its really no different than 2-3 in. if you like the look, its worth giving it a try

      1. I’m not saying I can’t walk in them (I just bought a pair of 3.5-inch coral patent LK Bennett heels) but rather that if you asked me to describe the heel height that makes a shoe “walkable”, I wouldn’t go to 3.5 inches.

    2. It totally depends on how well they fit your fit and how well they are balanced. I have 4 inch heels I could run in, but also have some that make me feel off-balance.

  10. Quick TJ: Anyone in the DC area know where a very pregnant lady (not me … yet) can get a great prenatal massage? Specifically, some places I have been in the past have a set-up to allow a pregnant woman to lie on her stomach during the massage (an inflatable mattress type thing with a net for the belly or just cushions the woman with pillows, etc.)?

    2. My sister raved about the prenatal massages at Red Door in Bethesda. I don’t know if they allowed lying on the stomach.

      1. I believe that they actually have a bed with a cut out – only certain locations offer. Worth a call!

  11. Anyone interested in a senior counsel job with a national nonprofit based in Sacramento? They need someone with 3-5 years of experience in a law firm with skills in contract drafting and tax, government, and regulatory law experience. I don’t even know what half those words mean and my personal circle does not have any lawyers but I figured there might be some job seekers here. Post an email address where I can reach you and I’ll send you the job description

  12. Wow, I’m way into those shoes.

    I have a question for some of the other hyper-logical types in this community: do you ever feel as though your natural tendencies towards being one-hundred-percent right and one-hundred-percent sure are hindering the decisions you make?

    Like many of you, I’m a perfectionist, and I’m also very, *very* deliberate in the choices I make and the things I do. I like plans, I like to-do lists, I like having a lot of research and data to back myself up.

    I am aware that because of this, I sometimes don’t take chances. I have gotten a lot better about this in the past ten years or so, and I can now override my natural tendency towards caution and knowing-for-sure when there’s something that I just want to do, even without proof (like chopping my waist-length hair into a pixie two weeks ago).

    So here’s the quandary: given this tendency, how on earth do I let my desire to say yes to a marriage proposal completely obliterate my natural inclination to catalogue all the ways in which said marriage could go totally off the rails? Is it wrong to be sure about the person without being sure of the institution? Am I doomed?

    (Please don’t tell me that if I’m questioning the choice, I’m questioning the person. In addition to being a Grade-A Worrier, I’m also a First Class Cataloguer, so I’m quite confident that my anxieties are a lot more generalized.)

    1. It does come down to questioning the choice you are questioning the person though. When I said yes 12 years ago, there was no thought about it. Because it wasn’t about the marraige. Marriage has some nice benefits- taxes, recognition for benefits or at the hospital, getting to say my husband or my wife. But other than that, what is marriage itself? Its really only the social contract aspect. What I was really saying yes to was “hey do we want to spend our lives together?” “do you want to be my partner in all things- in life, in love, in building our future. Do you want to be there for the nights we stay up until 6 am just the two of us and we laugh so hard we cry, and will you be there on the nights where we are up until 6 am actually crying.” If you know the person, if you know that’s what you want, if you trust them with your heart your soul and your bank account, then you say yes. Unless you have a fundemental reason for rejecting marriage (like waiting until everyone can you are just officially saying- Yes, for the rest of my life.

      1. Anonymous, I haven’t even read all the other responses yet, but this is very thoughtful and eloquent. Thank you.

    2. I would recommend reading Project: Happily Ever After. A marriage isn’t like a car you just hop in and it works for some period of time until it breaks. A marriage is a very dynamic relationship — you need to be prepared to support that person at their worst and put up with them when you’re giving them your worst. The book I recommended help me sort through some of that (I’ve been married for a few years now) and based on the anxieties you seem to have, I feel it would be more helpful to see how to fix/improve/deal with those problems your brain can invent about your potential marriage failing. Hope this helps.

      1. PS. I would recommend B-complex vitamins for mild anxiety (after asking your doctor about it, of course).

      2. I also loved that book. It’s a great memoir in general, wonderful writing, thoughtful, engaging.

    3. I don’t think its wrong to be sure about the person without being sure of the institution. I think it’s understandable to feel like you want to marry someone but are scared and nervous about how Marriage with a capital M could change your relationship, or what could happen down the road. At any time, with any person, and any relationship there will be the possibility that it could “go off the rails”– so if you feel sure about the person, then I think you know what your decision is.

      1. I had some anxiety while engaged about waking up one day in the marriage and finding that it had gone off the rails without warning, just like it happened in all the chick-lit books. It doesn’t really happen like that because it is such a dynamic relationship. So for type a folks, it’s frustrating because you can’t plan for all the events that will occur. The best you can do isto be sure that as a couple, you will find your way through whatever life throws at you.

    4. It is NOT wrong to be sure about the person and unsure about the institution! If you think thigs *will* change because of the legal and social baggage that comes with marriage, make sure you have good, long, involved conversations with your SO about what exactly you are worried will change, and how the two of you can work together to prevent those things from happening.

      That said, how important is marriage to your SO? I mean, if you know each other is the right person, do you have to get married at all? (Though I just realized – I am saying that in a jurisdiction where common-law partnerships are basically automatic after 2y living together, and this comes with almost exactly the same rights and responsibilities as actual marriage – except spousal immunity in criminal proceedings, lol. So in your jurisdiction there may in fact be good reasons to get legally hitched…)

      1. Are you talking about common law marriage in the US? What jurisdiction? You do not automatically default into common law marriage, and it does not have any time period requirements- that is a myth. It varies by state, but usually requires cohabitation, considering yourself to be married, and holding yourself out to the community as married. “Ie, “this is my wife joan”

          2. ah- that makes sense. It is a very common (false) understanding that if you live together a certain amount of years in the US, “you might be common married” so I like doing my part to dispel it!

    5. Marriage requires a leap of faith. I never understood what faith really was until I decided to get married. Marriage requires you to take only about 20% of the information you’d need for a fully informed decision and jump into the biggest commitment you’ve ever made. Because you have no idea what life holds for you and yet you’re saying now that whatever it is, you’re going through it with this person. Maybe you’ve been alive 25 or 30 years, and yet you’re saying you’re going to bet that you’ll be happier 50 or 60 years from now — double the time you’ve been alive — with this person that without him. You honestly can’t know if that’s going to be true. So you just have to jump.

      1. I agree, as someone who also had to reexamine my standards for decision-making (across the board). My decision was a lot like what TBK describes, but when I first started thinking about it I sounded a lot like you, OP. I realized that all along, I’d had some very unrealistic ideas about the level of certainty you’re supposed to have about anything. For example, I used to say about some career step, “I want to look back on this and be 100% sure I did everything I could have done to succeed.” That’s not really possible! There’s always something you couldn’t foresee. I was kidding myself every time I said that in the past, and I’d never place my faith in anything or anyone if I waited for such conditions before making commitments or taking risks.

        How do you know it’s going to work out? You don’t. But if it does work out, it will be because you took the “jump” and put your whole heart and all your effort into it. I think it’s especially beautiful to realize you’ve decided the guy is worth it when you’re someone who doesn’t jump very often, for anything. This was me.

    6. I am very risk adverse and the product of a horrible marriage. When I feel anxious about getting married, I remind myself (a) that the dude is a very good partner to me and shows all signs that he will continue to be a good partner in the long term and (b) we can always get a divorce. I realize (b) is not exactly romantic or what you want to be thinking about right now, but it makes me feel better to remember that I’m not signing my entire life away – I can always leave if I need to and, while it would be very difficult, I would be OK.

    7. You don’t need to believe in the institution to get married. You make the life partner commitment to the person. And then marriage is just the logical follow-up to get the attendant legal and social benefits. At least, that’s how I think of it. The “institution” is crap anyways. It’s not that hard to get divorced. It’s the person that matters, and if you’re sure about the person, then maybe try and make peace with the fact that the institution itself really isn’t important — it’s just a way to get each other’s social security and health care, be treated by society like a unit, buy property as tenants by the entirety, etc.

    8. You’re not doomed. :-)

      You can be unsure of the institution and sure about the person. I think going into something having tried your best to answer all the questions and think of possible risks (and identify mitigants, if any) will at least give you the feeling that you’re making the best possible decision you can AT THE TIME.

      I think if you both have the similar values and are happy with the way the other person handles life’s bad curveballs, you’ll be OK.

      Different values (e.g. one person really cares about keeping up with the Smiths & Joneses, the other person couldn’t give a rip) just add more conflict and tension into the mix.

      Someone who can’t hack life’s curveballs with the resiliency level that you require will be a burden. I know someone who didn’t get the plum job he wanted and totally shut down for years and turned to substance abuse while his wife had to take on an extra weekend job (on top of her full-time job) to make ends meet for the family (2 kids). That one ended in divorce.

      There were signs earlier on and before they got married that he was not one who could cope well with curveballs, and for me that is a major dealbreaker. Because life is full of them. The ability to cope with bad breaks for me was a catchall- because it gives you a hint of how the person will cope with whatever happens down the road and saves one the trouble of inventing scenarios like: what if I lost my right arm, etc. etc.

  13. Reposting this here since I think I was too late for this morning’s – sorry! Seeking motivation threadjack….I’ve been feeling completely overwhelmed/overcommitted for the last 6 months with work, family life (parent illness, hubby’s stressful career, moving, etc), volunteering I do, etc. and the thing that has slid has been ME. I’ve definitely “let myself go” to the tune of 15 lbs for the first time in my life, and I just can’t get myself to snap back into gear. It’s not working out that’s the issue (I’m an avid exerciser) it’s being completely out of control with eating at my desk and eating huge take out meals at night because I’m tired, or snacking on candy, etc. I use my workouts as an eating excuse! I have had to go up a size in clothes but still keep making excuses and saying I’ll get out of this rut – but I need to get it together now or it’s going to be even harder. HELP! Tell me to get it together and that I need to take care of myself to properly take care of all the other things in my life? I’m nervous hubs is going to lose attraction, people at work have noticed the weight gain, in general, just not good.

    1. Just as a bit of motivation, I started out where you are (busy, stressed, “don’t have time to make dinner”) and now am about 20 pounds in to the 80 lb weightloss that needs to happen because of it. 15 pounds seems like a lot, but its manageable and something you can address now, before you end up where I am. I really wish I would have seen it, instead of slowly transitioning into less tailored clothes to needing new clothes, in which case I’d tell myself its the brand that requires a 14 instead of a 12 (no, its because I gained 15 more pounds). Elastic waistbands and yoga pants (for anything other than yoga) are your enemy. It makes it so easy to gain over a size without really realizing it.

      For me, I just had to suck it up and do it. No snack foods in my office. Period. The night before, I make a healthy dinner and take the leftovers for a guaranteed healthy lunch. I’m mostly following the Paleo diet, but thats something you have to decide is right for you. I keep a food log of everything I eat (including any “cheats”) and allow myself 2 cheat meals a week where the calories are higher and it can include anything I’m craving. I find that now, I’m not really craving high calorie/fatty foods, so the cheat meals are actually hard to do. Did I sneak a chicken nugget the other night from my daughter’s leftovers? Yes. And it was not nearly as good as I wanted it to be, and I regretted those 50 calories or whatever. And then I moved on.

      I’m a black and white kind of person. The half-way stuff is how I got here… I had salad for lunch, so I can have 3 slices of pizza for dinner. No. I worked out today, so I can have a burger and a beer. No. Not on a consistent basis, anyway.

      My 2 cents, FWIW. Good luck to you, you can do it. Do it now while its manageable. I wish I could have told me-from-3-years-ago that.

    2. I think this may be a situation where careful planning and old fashion discipline must come into play. Plan to have healthy meals. Make lists; grocery lists and lists of what you’ll have for each and every meal. Make it simple for yourself. Find something you love to eat for breakfast, lunch and snack and make that the go-to for those meals. Dinner can vary, but make it as easy as possible to follow whatever plan you make. Do not allow yourself to deviate from that well-thought out and executed plan. Plan for all events you know about and plan for going off plan. Make good choices at the early stages. Don’t buy the candy and then you can’t eat it. Don’t order the burger and fries and then you can’t feel bad when you eat every last bite on your plate. Make it a game with a reward. Give yourself a bonus for completing one week of eating according to your careful plan.

      The second step will be patience. It will inevitably be harder to take off 15 lbs than it was to put on. Concentrate on how you feel rather than how you look. Continue to be patient.

      And, if you’re worried about attraction or people noticing, go to the mall and allow yourself one or two articles of clothing in a bigger size that look great on you and that you will wear often. Then wear often.

    3. I’m sorry you are going through this. I would suggest focusing on how exercise and eating healthy can make you feel better. If you stop snacking at your desk or eating unhealthy lunches, you will have more energy. Plus your blood sugar won’t be all over the place leaving you desperate to eat quickly. You may even have enough energy to throw together a healthy meal at the end of the deal. Don’t keep any candy at your desk or at your house. Out of site out of mind sort of thing. Pencil in time to go grocery shopping and cook once a week. Even if you can just cook for 2 hours one sunday, you can throw together enough things to at least make lunch/dinner at the beginning of the week healthier. Crock pot meals are great for this because then dinner is already ready! I would also think about cutting back on some of your commitments. Stop volunteering for now, if possible. Volunteering is meant to volunteer your time or services. Clearly you are stretched for time right now, so it’s ok to stop volunteering for a few months if it means you are taking care of yourself. Your eating is probably linked to your mental status and stress, so take care of yourself mentally as well. This means taking breaks, time for yourself. Going to a coffee shop, getting a pedicure, or reading for just 30 minutes. You have to take care of yourself to take care of others!

    4. Thank you so much for these kind, thoughtful responses. It is embarrassing to admit how out of control the eating and candy and unhealthiness has gotten and I really appreciate the lack of judgment and rational approaches you’re all suggesting. Thank you! I think you’re right, Kerry, that I need to find some other ways to treat myself, as I’ve found myself just indulging in food in an effort to give myself a break or feel better, but ultimately it just makes me feel worse. Definitely not feeling good right now. I hear you guys on the volunteering and needing to cut back on some commitments, but I feel like a total flop for having to cut back on that – I really want to be able to manage all of this stuff and still manage myself, but reality = love handles. Ugh.

      1. No judgement. Its so easy to take the path of least resistance and then realize too late what you’ve been doing.

        I think the key is to be strict with yourself, but not beat yourself up when something happens. Definitely don’t let it derail you. JSFAMO. Don’t let one bad choice lead to more. Recognize the bad behavior, change it and move onward and upward.

      2. 15 lbs. isn’t THAT much to take off, and since it sounds like you know the behaviors that caused it, I think you’ll have more success easing back into your old habits rather than trying to motivate yourself to start an all-or-nothing diet.

        Start not by focusing on what you are eating, not how much. I find that if I start telling myself “omg I can only let myself have ONE snack at EXACTLY 2 PM” or something, all I’ll think about is food and it distracts me from work and makes me hungrier. Instead, swap that candy for veggies and fruits. At night, if you absolutely must do take-out, stick to places that post nutritional info online so you know how many calories you’re eating. But better yet, cooking a nice meal for yourself is usually both healthier and more satisfying!

        I think when you start eating more nutritious things and less sugar, your blood sugar will go back to normal and you won’t feel so much like you have to eat all the time.

        1. I second this—bodies are “made in the kitchen.” The app MyFitnessPal has been so helpful as I try to get my own body / kitchen in a healthier place. Helps me to see a lot of my daily and weekly patterns. And honestly, sometimes it’s my only motivation for skipping the extra Oreo. :)

          The app was recommended to me by a colleague who lost 50 lbs in a year; her only change was logging religiously. No change in activity level.

          Good luck!

      3. I’m in a similar position, it is so easy to slip into the habit of having a bite of chocolate as a “treat” when things are overwhelming.

        I bookmarked this: http://life.gaiam.com/video/desk-yoga-breathe-out-stress with the idea that if I want to reach for chocolate (or a high calorie coffee drink) I can take the same time and do the video.

        I’ll let you know if it works.

    5. Oops, in moderation for using “s u c k”.

      Just as a bit of motivation, I started out where you are (busy, stressed, “don’t have time to make dinner”) and now am about 20 pounds in to the 80 lb weight loss that needs to happen because of it. 15 pounds seems like a lot, but its manageable and something you can address now, before you end up where I am. I really wish I would have seen it, instead of slowly transitioning into less tailored clothes to needing new clothes, in which case I’d tell myself its the brand that requires a 14 instead of a 12 (no, its because I gained 15 more pounds). Elastic waistbands and yoga pants (for anything other than yoga) are your enemy. It makes it so easy to gain over a size without really realizing it.

      For me, I just had to s * c k it up and do it. No snack foods in my office. Period. The night before, I make a healthy dinner and take the leftovers for a guaranteed healthy lunch. I’m mostly following the Paleo diet, but that is something you have to decide is right for you. I keep a food log of everything I eat (including any “cheats”) and allow myself 2 cheat meals a week where the calories are higher and it can include anything I’m craving. I find that now, I’m not really craving high calorie/fatty foods, so the cheat meals are actually hard to do. Did I sneak a chicken nugget the other night from my daughter’s leftovers? Yes. And it was not nearly as good as I wanted it to be, and I regretted those 50 calories or whatever. And then I moved on.

      I’m a black and white kind of person. The half-way stuff is how I got here… I had salad for lunch, so I can have 3 slices of pizza for dinner. No. I worked out today, so I can have a burger and a beer. No. Not on a consistent basis, anyway.

      My 2 cents, FWIW. Good luck to you, you can do it. Do it now while its manageable. I wish I could have told me-from-3-years-ago that.

    6. Grr, my original longer post disappeared.

      The TL;CR (too long; can’t retype) version: I am essentially you, three years after letting it spiral to about 80 pounds, and now 20 pounds into losing it. Take care of it now, however you are best able. Just do it.

      1. Thank you for this. Very, very important perspective to hear. Good luck with your weight loss!

        1. Thank you :) I will second the suggestions to both plan meals and stick to it (I usually make enough dinner to bring for lunch the next day and portion it out the night before, so all I have to do is grab the container in the morning), and to not keep snack foods around. I have some fruit and nuts in my desk drawer. I absolutely do not buy cookies, candy, etc. The office does donuts and bagels on Friday mornings, so I try to eat a larger breakfast so that I’m not tempted, and they’re gone by lunchtime. Its hard with a hubby and child who aren’t dieting, but I’ve stopped trying to make one meal we can all eat, every time. Sometimes they want chicken nuggets. Cool, I’ll make myself an awesome salad. It makes the “this is what is for dinner, eat it” conversation with the child harder, but thats part of it. She often wants what I’m having, so I hope I’m teaching her to like healthy foods and have good eating habits. We’re working on hubby :)

          Best of luck to you!

    7. I posted in your original thread, but just wanted to post here in case.

      Hey there, that sounds really tough, and you have my sympathies and admiration for even holding it together this well. I am not sure I could do as well.

      I think because women are so heavily socialized to be caregivers AND martyrs (to put everyone else first), we often fall into the pattern and internalize a lot of it, so that when push comes to shove in a busy schedule, we give ourselves short shrift.

      I am just a stranger on the internet, but I will say this: YOU matter. As much as, if not more than your ill parent. More than the chores that come up from the move. Your self-care matters 1000000x more than volunteering. CHARITY BEGINS IN THE HOME. Print this out and repeat it to yourself every night before you go to bed and in the morning as you start your routine. It is my catechism for rebalancing when you’ve put everybody else first.

      Then, cut out the volunteering, seriously. If you can’t take care of your health, the volunteering needs to go on a hiatus until you can get back on track with the self-care. Happy YOU means a happier marriage and a happier family. Your interests really are aligned with your family, and you are not robbing them of something they deserve when you take care of yourself. You are investing in the future health and happiness of your entire family and if that’s not worth doing, I don’t know what it is.

      Best of luck and keep us posted.

    8. Responded on original post. Gist of which was you need a break. Take one.

    9. I suggest reading The Skinny Girl Rules by Bethenny Frankel or listen to it on audiobook. I know some people may be over her, but this books is a great read with helpful tips. It doesn’t steer you toward a certain diet but has a more holistic approach about taking care of yourself and eating in moderation and paying attention to how your body feels. It helped me lose an extra 5-8 pounds and feel more motivated to eat well.

    10. Posting late, so I’m not sure you’ll see this, but I’ve found the website StickK to be helpful in situations where I want to make a change but I need an extra motivator. It’s essentially a program that allows you to make a contract with yourself with rewards if you stick with it or punishments (like a donation to a charity you don’t like) if you don’t.

  15. I also have a question re marriage. I have been married about two months. My husband and I fought a lot during the wedding planning process. But we thought we would be ok after that huge event was over. Now, though, we find ourselves fighting more and more, and he has noticed our fights are getting worse. He had a dream last night that I left him and we got a divorce! I think he’s been sad about that all day.

    I have seen on here that the first year of marriage is the hardest. But this is really rough.

    Any advice? I already added Project Happily Ever After and 5 Love Languages to my Amazon Cart. I also found one called The Marriage Rules.

    1. Happy to give my two-cents as someone married for 16 months, but questions:

      What kinds of things are you fighting about? Little daily crap, like who gets to use the shower first? Big short-term issues, like a potential move? Or big long-term issues, like he’s never the one to get groceries, and what does that mean about his willingness to share household duties?

      Did you live together before you got married?

      Also, when you say the fights are getting worse, do you mean they’re getting nastier? Or about more serious issues? Or both?

      Are either of you under a lot of stress related to non-relationship stuff — jobs, family, etc.?

      1. We lived together for about 6 months before we got married.

        I think we fight about all of the above. Some are small fights, that I (not sure about him) interpret as big issues. I often think I have to nip this or that in the bud now, because this small thing that bothers me now will be his habit for the rest of our lives.

        We are under stress – I own a business and it’s not doing as well as I’d like, and he just started a new job that he thinks is a little over his head.

        I am 32 and he is 33, and we think and talk about when we want to have kids a lot, and plan for it. But we don’t plan on doing it until at least a year from now. But we both still ask each other to change certain things sometimes, because, “When we have kids, you won’t be able to do that.” I think we may just be putting a lot of pressure on ourselves by imagining our future selves. Like if we don’t figure out how to plan and cook healthy meals for each other now, then how the heck will we figure it out when we have kids to feed?

        We went away last weekend to a B&B in a nearby town. It was really nice, but we got into a little car wreck on the way back (no injuries). And then when we finally got home, there were some other major issues at the house that we had to take care of before we could relax.

        And we just found out our dog has kennel cough. And we don’t have enough money to buy a new house next summer, but we have to do it next summer because there is going to be construction on our street the summer after that.

        …Wow, just writing this. Um, yes. We are under some stress. But it all seems like a normal amount I guess. I mean, nobody’s life is completely stress-free, right?

        1. Somehow I’m stuck in moderation (oh jeez, just realized I said “h@sh it out” — grr), but this ” I often think I have to nip this or that in the bud now, because this small thing that bothers me now will be his habit for the rest of our lives” was pretty much how my husband and I approached fights in the first year of our marriage. We fought a lot, and intensely, but after the first year or so, we’d worked through the major issues and things got much better.

        2. Ok, that is a lot of stress. I’ve definitely noted that normal discussions between DH and I about things escalate into fights much more easily when we’re under a lot of stress. And while it’s helpful to know that it’s more about the stress and less about the relationship, that doesn’t necessarily solve the problem. What I’ve tried to do with those is (1) pick my battles (do I REALLY care about the clothes in the corner today? really?) (2) recognize when we’re escalating towards a fight and (3) do something to de-escalate — i.e. ask in a neutral way what he meant when he said X instead of assuming the worst.

          Hope this helps a tiny bit! And while we haven’t done counseling, I generally think counseling is never a bad idea.

        3. Our first year fights were intense. Suddenly you feel the need to take a stand on every little quirk because you don’t want to hang up the other person’s towel for the rest of your life so help me god. Counseling might help you stop that escalation.
          Also, don’t get too caught up in the planning for future. Life isn’t going to progress in the linear fashion you think it is. Until you get to that proverbial bridge, don’t fight about it. Just because you eat cereal for dinner 3x a week doesn’t mean that your future child is doomed to a life of obesity and scurvy. Just because you feed your future child an occasional cereal dinner doesn’t mean they won’t go to college. You don’t have to figure it all out today.

        4. Holy crap. That is a lot of pressure. Reading that made me stressed.

          This might be a place where you call in a professional and do a tune up. Not that books and the DIY approach isn’t great; but you all have a lot going on at all once.

          For starters, try to each day do something nice for one another. As simple as I’m going to warm DH’s towel in the dryer or scratch his back or he buys your favorite flowers. Seriously, the little nice things go along way to helping you all get back on more solid footing.

          Lots of other good advice, but truly start focusing back on the why you love each other and let some of the “future” stuff go. Focus on making your lives together now enjoyable and above all treat each other with respect.

          1. It’s funny to think about stress.

            We both have had very high-pressure jobs in the past, like think adrenaline-fueled “Work hard, play hard” things. And I think of my life with him as so pastoral compared to that. We don’t even have kids or anything.

            But I guess our lives are stressful. If ours are, though, how do the rest of you do it?!

          2. Ditto on the doing one nice thing a day for each other. I read an NYT article that said that was a key in lasting happy marriages. It’s reassuring, when you think “omg, DH didn’t get the milk this week, he will NEVER BE A CO-PARENT” to remember “oh yeah, he did clear my breakfast dishes today, maybe we’ll be ok.”

            And re: stress — those of us with high-pressure jobs forget that non-work things cause stress. It’s a lot harder to identify than work stress — it’s not necessarily deadlines, or piles of work, but decisions, and obligations, and the like. Even if it’s good stress — like being pregnant, or buying a house — it’s still stress. DH and I are passing through a super stressful period (buying house, selling house, all sorts of other stuff), and I’ve noticed that the closer we get to the end, the fewer fights we have — both because there’s less to fight about (e.g. the moving date is set now, no fighting about that) and because I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

        5. Haven’t read the other comments yet, but I have been married a little over a year. DH and I lived together for 2 years before getting married, so there was less of a living together “transition,” but we fought a TON during the first year. Like you, we had stressful situations (there was an illness and death in my family, DH’s best friend died very suddenly, DH started a new job, we live in a Sandy affected area) and it sounds cheesy, but looking back now, I can’t believe we overcame all that. For me, I think a lot of it was stress, but also realizing the ENORMITY of what we had really signed up for. Fighting left me feeling more pressure, because I couldn’t just think to myself, “Forget this, I’ll just leave!” There was a psychological switch in my brain that I was “Stuck” with this man and that we may be having these same fights for the next 40 years. We also put more pressure on ourselves (which it sounds like you may be doing), because now, as married people, we were “adults.” We had to behave accordingly and be financially responsible and all those things that “adults” do so that one day we could buy a house and have kids. It was completely unnecessary (we are young professionals and we are financially responsible!) but it became a factor. Looking back, I think I just had different expectations of being these happy, gushy newlyweds, but the reality was that we were the same people feeling the pressures of marriage. For us, we just had to wait it out. Couple time helped – a few trips, dinners out, etc. where you can just enjoy each other’s company (hopefully). Now that things have settled in, we fight far less, the external factors have died down, and in hindsight I can see that even though we fought, we leaned on each other a lot too. Trying to take the positive and not to let pressure of what marriage “should” be like has helped.

    2. Another good set (if you either appreciate or can overlook a strong Christian slant) is For Men Only and For Women Only. Each of you is supposed read your respective book to get an idea of how the other sex approaches love and relationships. The main premise is that women need to be “loved” and men need to be “respected.” When women feel unloved, they can be very disrespectful, and when men feel disrespected, they can be very unloving, which creates a vicious cycle until one or both parties make a conscious effort to show the other love and respect. We tend to have this idea that love is unconditional, but respect must be earned, and that can’t be true in relationships. In my relationship, this has proven true numerous times, and we are not on the traditional, religious side of the spectrum at all. There is a book called “The Language of Love and Respect” (I think) that goes into more detail about what those terms mean in this context as well.

    3. Counseling. Right away.

      Going to marriage counseling doesn’t mean you’re not supposed to be together, or that there’s anything fundamentally flawed about your relationship. It’s not scary (people become counselors because they like talking to and helping people — counselors tend to be very nice people), it doesn’t have to be expensive (check your insurance or look for a counselor who offers a sliding scale), and it’s entirely up to you what you cover (you can just go for as long as you need to address what’s bugging you).

      The reason to go now, rather than waiting or working on it too much on your own, is that it’ll be so much easier to learn new skills for communicating with & relating to each other before you build up lots of hurt feelings that you have to heal before you can address the fundamental issues.

      I could have written your post the first year of my marriage — now, we’re about to celebrate our five-year anniversary and even though I’m currently dealing with depression/anxiety that’s killing my work performance and generally making me a challenge to live with, we’re genuinely happily married. And it’s because my husband, bless him, realized that the fights were going to keep getting worse unless and until someone helped us break the pattern and learn the skills that would get us on track. Could/would we have made it if we just tried to work on it ourselves? I have no idea. I’d like to think so. But I know that our counselor helped us become not just two people who’d been through a wedding, but an actual married couple.

      Everything you’ve heard about the first year of marriage being the hardest is true. There’s no shame in getting a little professional support to help you figure out how to get past the adjustment phase and on to the “happily ever after” part.

    4. Not sure if this is what you’re feeling, but my husband and I fought pretty intensely our first 18 months or so. But what we fought about were all the really important things. The issues were all things that were fundamental to how we were going to function as a couple and as a household. What we found was that, even though we’d kind of discussed these things before marriage, the stakes were so much higher because every time an issue came up — even something as simple as who does how much of the laundry — we each approached it as “is this what the whole rest of my life will be like!?” and so we fought bitterly for each issue. Ultimately, we knew we were fighting *for* the marriage and, after about 18 months, we’d hashed out every major issue. The next year we spent learning how to not fight, i.e., how to recognize that we were heading toward a fight and how to take a step back, re-group, and address the issue without fighting. (We still fight, of course, but it’s more bickering now and less intense than it was in the very beginning.)

      1. This. There is a feeling that you are setting a precedent and it creates a pressure cooker.

    6. I just wanted to write and say that you are not alone in this feeling. We are now in our six month of marriage and I feel like we finally turned a corner a month ago. It gets better. The stress of wedding planning aside (and any unwelcomed family and friend drama that comes with it) is a lot, but don’t underestimate the gravity of the decision you’ve taken to become partners for life. This is a big emotional decision, larger than any other decision you’ve likely made before (what school to go to, what first job to take, relocation) and if you are anything like me when you finally were able to breath post wedding hoopla, you may have felt overwhelmed, anxious and panicked.

      Of course I had thought about our marriage decision carefully beforehand and we had made it together, but I now had the jolt of reality that the two of us were a family; and I’m also bound together with this person (for better, worse and every annoying habit) for life. In my case, I had lived independently for 10 years before getting married and also across the country from my family. So, knowing that I most likely would never be moving “home” again and also missing my independence (what if I want to flee the country for that great job opportunity?) was a double whammy.

      The very best thing I did during this time was to call my employers EAP and get a referral to a counselor. If you haven’t done so, please do it. I thought I was being ridiculous and put it off for months but it really did help to speak with a neutral third party. Don’t overlook what a huge life decision you BOTH just made and spend some time together really talking about it and remember why you love eachother and decided to be married in the first place. Also, apologize for anything particularly egregious that you said or did and offer any explanation (not a justification) for why you were in that frame of mind at the time. I recommend taking a walk and talking while enjoying the lovely weather. It really does help. Best of luck to you.

  16. DC ladies, I have a girls’ weekend in DC coming up. Each of us has lived in DC at one time or another, so we don’t need to do the typical tourist things. Suggestions for day time activities on Saturday? Dinner on Friday and Saturday? We’re staying in Dupont.

    1. It’s the Cherry Blossom Festival right now, so you might want to check out what events are going on while you’ll be here (I think the big weekend is the next weekend, but I think there will be some events this Sat and Sun).

    2. This is a bit weird, but one of my favorite things to do is to go to unlimited mimosa/bloody mary brunch in Cleveland Park (Bardeo/Ardeo or Dinos), and then walk to the zoo. You don’t have to see everything, but its nice to see a few favorites (I love the Sloth Bear, the Gorrillas, the Red Panda).

      Another of my recent favorite day time activities is Union Market. It opened more recently in DC and has awesome food, wine, beer, and crafts. Its pretty yuppie, but very pleasant. I’ve also done some river cruises on the potomac before, and even though I’m not new to DC, I always have fun on them, especially with a group.

      One of my new favorite restaurants for dinner lately are Southern Comfort in Adams Morgan and Oyamel in Chinatown. Hanks Oyster Bar in dupont is always a favorite.

      Alternatively, some of my friends LOVE the Sunday Drag Queen Brunch at Perrys, I haven’t been myself but it’s highly recommended if you think you’re group would have fun with something like this.

    3. Dinner at Estadio or Zaytinya. Drinks at Pearl Dive if you want a loud scene, Quill at The Jefferson if you want swanky and low-key. POV is both loud AND swanky and has a tremendous view. Sax has the whole Venetian burlesque lounge theater thing going on and would also be fun for a ladies evening out. And Hank’s Oyster Bar has $1 oysters from 11-12 pm on Friday/Saturday night. Also, do brunch at Cafe Leopold and then walk around Georgetown. The waterfront park area is fairly new.

    4. Some friends and I had dinner at Mari Vanna the other night, and it was a blast! They had a live accordion player play a song every 45 minutes or so, and lots of yummy cocktails on the menu. Could be a fun way to start a night out, and its in Dupont, so close by.

      1. Thanks for these recommendations (even though I’m not the OP)! I’ll be there next month for the Nike Women’s Half, and while I lived there a million years ago, I’ve only been back a few times since, and never for fun, so I was wondering about some current places to check out as well.

    5. I love the zoo as well. I’m guessing you won’t have a car, but just in case you do I highly recommend visiting the National Arboretum or the Kenilworth Aquatic Gardens. Both are a little out of the way–the Arboretum can technically be reached by bus, I believe, and I biked there once in a group–but really fantastic gems.

      Closer in is the Hillwood Estate near Van Ness and the Dumbarton Oaks estate in Georgetown. Both will have beautiful gardens this time of year.

      Can you tell how ready I am for Spring?

  17. Ugh, I just had such a jerky interaction with someone unexpectedly. I approached her about a project she’s doing that’s very similar to something I’m working on in a different context. She made me feel like I was spying for my boss or trying to steal her work or something. It really took me aback, from her words to her tone.
    Calm down, Lady. If you don’t want to discuss, fine, but don’t make me feel like a criminal.

  18. Eep! Have a first date tonight- trying to convince myself it won’t feel like a job interview in the scary they’ll hate you way and failing. And good tips to chill before these?

    1. I am in the exact same situation. I really want to cancel at the last minute but I am powering through. No advice, just same-boat commiseration!

      1. Remember to focus on whether you like him rather than whether he likes you, whether you’re having fun rather than whether he’s having fun, whether you’re comfortable rather than whether he’s comfortable. This doesn’t mean you don’t care about what he’s thinking, but it does mean you pay attention to what YOU want, every step of the way. Enjoy!

    2. I recently went on my first date in about 6 years! My tip is to have a glass of wine before the date and another on the actual date (or a vodka martini). Or just have fun with it! It will be a great date or a great story for your friends!

      1. Yes, seriously, this is why I find “coffee dates” or “daytime dates” so hard for first dates. I need that glass of wine for a first date.

        1. One guy asked if I want to go to a diner for coffee and dessert…ugh. I need the glass of wine for a second date too!

    3. I know this is late but K In Transition gave me advice when I was feeling the same way. She suggested trying to go into it thinking that your just meeting a person, someone like a brother’s friend, and not that you are meeting someone with the potential to be THE person. Trying to approach it like that helped me, although I was still a little nervous.

  19. Ladies, especially those of you in positions to hire someone, I need advice on how to handle a not bad to have situation.

    I’ve been looking to relocate for a while now, and I have put out several feelers/requests for infomational interviews and applications over the last couple months. After being very discouraged by near radio silence, my inbox is now flooded with responses…in some cases to applications I sent over a month ago. This happens to be coinciding, however, with about the 2 craziest weeks of my current job in the whole year. And without being specific, slacking at my current job isn’t an option…the whole year is about what I’m crashing on now.

    My question, particularly with requests for preliminary phone interviews, is how do I respond that I’m very enthusiastic about the position but my flexibility and availability to schedule discussions is very limited right now? I’ve been trying to suggest times that I know I can carve out, but I’m slowly losing my mind juggling this all. Is there a way to ask to delay interviews by a week? Or convey that my schedule is tight but I can do weekends/evenings without shooting myself in the foot?

    1. I think it depends on what kind of jobs you are applying to. I am a government attorney, so if a candidate ever asked me to do weekends or evenings, it means that they are asking me to work weekends or evenings, which would not go over well with me. but for an attorney who is working anyway, it would be less of a big deal. I think it depends on how desperate you are to move, and how marketable you think you are. Rarely would you be the only one they call, so just realize that by asking them to delay by a week, you may be delaying your chances by a week. Phone interviews usually only last about 20 minutes, is there a way you could schedule them for around lunch time?

    2. I’m guessing you are involved with tax season. If the new jobs are similarly involved in tax season, they are likely to understand that this is crunch time.

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