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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 150 Comments · by

Coffee Break – Rocco Duffel with Rose Gold Hardware

Coffee Break

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Alexander Wang Rocco Duffel with Rose Gold Hardware Fine, fine, fine: I want one. I’ve seen the Alexander Wang Rocco Duffel bag everywhere (around town, on blogs, on TV) and I can’t deny it any more: I want one. One with rose gold hardware, please. It’s $895 at ShopBop. Alexander Wang Rocco Duffel with Rose Gold Hardware (L-2)

Workwear sales of note for 10.2.23:

  • Nordstrom – 28,000 markdowns, and big beauty sale!
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off all sale styles
  • Athleta – 25% off for members, 20% off core
  • Banana Republic – Up to 40% off sale styles
  • Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off purchase
  • Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off women’s clearance (ends Monday 10/2) – some great basics on wool suits for women
  • The Fold – Mid-season sale, up to 40% off!
  • J.Crew – Extra 60% off select sale styles, 30% off fall styles, and 30% off men’s and boys’ suiting
  • J.Crew Factory – Up to 50% off everything
  • M.M.LaFleur – Sale on sale, extra 10% off
  • Reiss – Mid-season sale, up to 50% off
  • Talbots – 25% off your entire purchase
  • Theory – Friends + Family sale, 25% off sitewide
  • Zappos – 18,500+ markdowns for women!

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Comments

  1. Posting

    Nice looking bag…but the studs on the bottom are a bit eye-catching in a weird way.

  2. Boston Legal Eagle

    That is a LOT for a duffel bag.

    TJ: I remember a discussion here about wide calf boots from a couple of days ago. I just got a pair of Fitzwell wide calf boots (link to follow) that so far fit great. I have 16 inch calves (thanks ballet!) and they fit snuggly but have an elastic band that would probably accomodate even wider calves. They look pretty work-appropriate to me but could also be good going out boots. Hope this helps.

  3. DealCube

    Body type threadjack!

    I have come to the belated realization that I have short arms. I have known that I have short legs forever, but have just now figured out my arms are short too. However, I have a long torso and broad shoulders, so I think petites are out for me. Does anyone have any suggestions other than buy jackets with no detailing at the wrist (like buttons) so that I can shorten all my sleeves?

    • MaggieLizer

      Usually the tailor can shorten your sleeves from the shoulder so you don’t lose the detailing at the wrist. It costs more than hemming the cuff, though, so keep that in mind when you’re deciding how much you want to spend on the jacket.

    • eek

      3/4 length sleeves? Maggie is right about shoulder tailoring being more expensive. Also, I just recently learned that Nordstrom will hem any full priced item purchased through them at no cost. I previously thought this was just for pants, but it’s also for blazers and tops.

    • DC Jenny

      Welcome to the sisterhood of the t-rex arms. I just roll a lot of sleeves I don’t want to bother shortening.

    • Anon

      I am watching this for suggestions…

      Depending on how short your arms are…I have had a lot of jackets with 3 or 4 working buttons where in the process of getting the arms shortened, I just lost one of the buttons (so I now have 2 or 3 working buttons). It would probably look weird on some jackets, but the ones I have done do not look weird!

  4. eastbaybanker

    PSA for Gilt Groupe shoppers:

    I was on the site today and saw some cute dresses by a brand called Ava & Aidan. I’d never heard of the brand so I googled it, and nothing came up. What I DID find was a July 2012 New York Post article on Gilt’s new practice of manufacturing private label merchandise just for Gilt, then selling it at a totally artificial mark down from a totally made up price. They’ve trademarked 25 “brands” since last October! Including Ava & Aidan.

    The NY Times had a good article about inflated prices at flash sites a while back. This is just further evidence that flash sites are fun window shopping, but buyer beware.

  5. Lavender

    Financially challenged seeking hive help. I have about a dozen shares of stock that I would like to sell. Can I do this myself? Where do I start?

    • Brant

      Yes. Where are they held? Meaning, where/when/how how did you buy them?

      Are they so old they are actual paper stock certificates?

    • Ellen

      My father knows, b/c he knows peeple in the broker business and owns stock in alot of companies but I know you have to sell through a stock BROKER like him, and you have to pay a comission. You can NOT sell it to someone yourself. Just call Charles Shwabb. They know.

      My diliegience is going very well. The manageing partner keep’s sending me e-mails to make sure that mark down my hour’s for billeing purpose’s. He also confirmed I am now at 30% b/c the other partners agreed I am a good representative of the firm. The manageing partner said I HAVE to go to court this Monday on 15 more cases he is monitoring, which mean’s that I will NOT be abel to relax on Sunday, but will HAVE to go in to prepare for caleandar call. I warned him that 2 of the cases on the calendar require that MOTION’s be written, and he said I can do that SUNDAY in the office. FOOEY! Sometimes being a litiegiator is NOT alot of fun, even if the judge’s like me I still have to do work. I told him I will be driveing out to his party with Harold next weekend. I hope Harold wear’s clean clotheing tho, b/c it is along drive, and his car is not that big.

      Enough of this, I have to work and bill, PORTAL TO PORTAL. Yay!

  6. Lavender

    My grandfather gave me a few shares in my favorite restaurant when I was little. I get a dividend in the mail every so often. If there is a paper stock certificate, I don’t have it (my parents might).

  7. Godzilla

    Because I want you all to be proud of me, I have FINALLY made my appointment with the ENT surgeon. Here’s to getting my nose vacuumed out, too. Allergies PSA – you have totally inspired me.

    • Susan

      Good luck! And I’m proud of you!

      Make sure you let the ENT surgeon know you’d like to retain your nuclear-fire breathing abilities. :-)

      • Godzilla

        Whoa, imagine if this increases my nuclear fire-breathing capacity throughput? Bigger blasts and all? That would be AWESOME.

    • "Allergies" PSA

      Good girl, Godzilla! I hope that the ENT will be able to fix you, and I hope that you do not need surgery. But no matter what happens, know that you are doing the right thing and that it will be all OK.

      • In the Pink

        RAWR RAWR RAWR for Godzilla (with wide mouth, teeth showing smile).

        HiveFive … you go!

        All the best to you.

  8. springtime

    Tory Burch flats- are they worth it? I’m tired of my ugly flats. I want something cute and comfortable. I tend to get blisters on the back of my heels and they look like the back is soft- i.e. no heel cup.

    • TO lawyer

      I don’t have any real experience with Tory Burch, but I’ve heard that Tory Burch flats are insanely UNcomfortable. I’ve actually had good luck with Michael Kors flats that are cute and comfy :)

    • DC Jenny

      I know they are very popular, so don’t form a mob and chase me with torches and pitchforks, but I don’t think they’re all that cute either. I would invest in some Cole Haans instead.

      • springtime

        Yah, I was just thinking of higher-end flats, I wasn’t that tied to the Tory Burch brand.

        I find Michael Kors to be small, and thus not comfortable (I wear size 11 so I can’t size up).

        I’m gonna check out Cole Haan’s website!

      • Susan

        Standing right behind you, DC Jenny.

        While I think it’s pretty awesome that Tory Burch started a company and has made it a successful business, I really hate that logo, and I think the flats are not that attractive.

        • TBK

          I just hate logos. I like some TB stuff but, ugh, the logo on EVERYTHING. Tacky. Have you tried the Bandolino flat that is everywhere? I have a pair and they are extremely comfortable (because of the small heel, I think). Here’s one example, but they come in all kinds of colors. Not exactly high end, but definitely comfortable. http://www.zappos.com/bandolino-xarby-black-black

    • MsZ

      I love mine – I wear them multiple times a week and have them in multiple colors, and they last multiple years. I will say that each pair fits me a little differently, so be sure to try on in person / purchase with free returns.

    • eek

      I did not have good luck with a pair I bought and I returned them. The sizing was mega off – I tried 3 diff sizes and in the end they were insanelyuncomfortable. I have pretty normal feet, too. Also, I have had bad luck with Tory Burch handbags and quality, so I won’t be buying her stuff again.

    • SF Bay Associate

      AGL are the best. I have some CH 1″ wedges I find really comfortable too.

      • Lalo

        I love my AGL’s but I also have a few pairs of Vera Wang Lavender that I like. I only have the ones with the built in mini wedge (about 3/4″). Apparently it is better for your feet and more comfortable to have a small lift than have your shoes be totally flat. I’ve found that to be true for me, especially for long days.

    • Niktaw

      I just got a pair of Geox flats and they are amazingly comfortable and cute! It was one of their Lola styles.

      • Susan

        Heartily second the Geox flat recommendations. I love mine and they’ve been very durable despite very heavy use in the past year.

      • des-pairing

        Do you know how Geox sizing works? I’d like to try them but I’m afraid they’re too large. I’m a size 4.5-5, and the shoes that slip away are a recurring theme in my nightmares.

        • Suzer

          The one pair of Geox I bought ran 1/2 size small. Since I’m already a 10, I’m out . . .

        • Susan

          Maybe too late to respond but my experience is like Suzer’s:

          I have the Piuma Ballerin flats and I got them in the Sz 9. In almost every other brand, I’m a Sz 8.5. The Sz9 fit the length of my foot perfectly, as well as the width. These flats accommodate wide feet, because yegads, my feet, they be like pancakes…

    • JR

      The elastic at the heel of the TB Reva’s I have bites into my heel if I wear them all day, but otherwise I like them. I just bought some of the Cole Haan Maria Sharapova flats and they are very comfy.

    • Charlotte

      I am also not a logo fan, but I have two pairs of the Tory Eddie flats (which only have a tiny embossed logo on the heel) and I really love them. They are insanely comfortable and, in my experience, run true to size.

      • springtime

        There is also a pair of their reva’s that had the logo in the same colour and material as the rest of the shoe, so it blends in. That isn’t as obnoxious. Geox doesn’t come in my size :(.

        Meh, I might as well trek to the store and check them out. Thanks everyone!

    • Boston Blonde

      I found the reva (reba?) style to be totally uncomfortable. The heel was just to shallow for me to stay on properly. I generally don’t like elastic. I purchased a pair of Bloch Fonteynn (something like that) flats though, they are much for structured, and I love them. The sizing was crazy off though, I ended up buying the European equivalent of a 9 or a 9.5 US, and I’m always an 8.

      • Ellie

        This was my experience with the Revas as well. They turned into flip flops after about 20 steps. I even sized down so this wouldn’t happen. Do not recommend. And the stupid ugly logo plate makes my toes uncomfortable as it presses down.

    • MaggieLizer

      Most of the Tory flats I’ve tried on have really eaten the back of my foot, but I have one pair that I really love. They have a lot of stretch to them and don’t look all that cute on the rack, but they’re super comfortable. I tried on a pair of Stuart Weitzman flats once and was in love (something like Nordies #344599), but alas I haven’t seen them on steep enough sale to justify the purchase for me.

    • eastbaybanker

      I just emailed Tory Burch to complain about the deteriorating quality and comfort to their Reva flats. I had a black and silver pair from maybe 5 or 6 years ago that I wore to the ground. They were made of buttery soft leather, the elastic in the back wasn’t too tight, and they were heaven to walk in. They literally felt like comfy slippers I would wear at home.

      Like Boston Blonde, I recently purchased a pair and was shocked at how uncomfortable they are. The leather is thick and doesn’t break in well, and I’m still getting blisters 3 months later if I spend a full walking day in them. The elastic in the back is ridiculously tight, and leaves marks on my heels. They’re made in Brazil. Maybe the original ones were Italian?

      • springtime

        Good to know. I am getting really annoyed about this happening with so many brands lately.

        • Monday

          I read an interview with J. Crew’s CEO a while back in which the paragraph intro mentioned declining quality, but the interview never did. I would have wanted to see it asked and re-asked ad nauseam until there was an actual answer. I know this sounds dramatic, but seriously it’s like talking to a wall. So many customers have the same reaction and a lot of money is involved. But it’s totally ignored by every retailer.

          The book about “fast fashion” even mentioned that this is one reason that so many people now shop at H&M, Forever 21 etc. They just don’t see a difference in quality any more between these stores and more expensive ones, so they decide to pay less for essentially the same thing.

          • Susan

            In the case of J.Crew. (and in a day where blogs like this one, and J.Crew Aficionada) have huge followings with lots of people saying the same thing about the declining quality, if the company gave a sh!t about quality they’d have done something by now.

            I really don’t think they can legitimately claim ignorance about how unhappy some of their customers are. That said, I think some people just don’t know what good quality is, so they keep buying the J.Crew stuff/Tory Burch stuff that isn’t good quality.

            But if enough of us vote with our feet (sorry, bad pun) by not buying their overpriced crap, they’ll get the message.

          • Monday

            Totally agree that if they cared they would have done something long ago. I imagine they just have no incentive to improve quality unless/until their sales go down significantly, and they are sure that bad quality is the reason.

            The longer this is the norm, the fewer people will remember or be able to tell what decent quality is, so time certainly is on their side. I will add to your reasons that I also think people continue to buy this stuff simply for a lack of reasonable alternatives. I’ll admit I do this myself.

          • Nonny

            Subscribing to Monday’s comments, especially since at lunch today I went and looked at DVF dresses, since I am on a hunt for a good winter work dress. The DVF wool dresses, while retailing for round about $450, weren’t even lined. WTF? If I can’t even get a properly lined dress for $450, no kidding am I going to buy a cheaper alternative at somewhere like J. Crew. Why would I spend so much more when I am not going to get something markedly better?

    • Basics

      How about C. Wonder, the knock off store/brand created by TB’s former husband. I’ve been in a couple of the stores, and the merchandise all looks so cute. But then when I think about which item I might buy, nothing jumps out. I bought a pair of earrings, and they are very nice.

      Anyone have any experience with C. Wonder?

      • manomanon

        I will repost in the morning in case you don’t see this but…. I live around the corner from C. Wonder and I love it! I’ve decided the quality is decent (ie. earrings don’t give me infections from badly done plating/ nickel and I react to literally anything with even a trace of nickel, cardigans don’t pill from the first several wears, t shirt holds shape) I also think it’s a great way to experiment with trends at a relatively inexpensive level. Some of the jewelry gets pricy but overall it’s good quality for the price.
        And they have fun stuff in the back section of my store- monogrammed cheese boards, telephone handset that plugs into your iphone etc.

      • Niktaw

        Is it related to the Spanish brand Wonders?
        I love Wonders and buy a pair of flats every time I visit Spain.

    • qwerty

      i have many many pairs of tory burch flats (albeit none with the decorative metal logo) they are very comfortable for my super narrow and long feet and are flattering with all outfits.

    • Anon

      I think Cole Haan flats are way more comfortable. Plus no obvious logo. And you can usually find them on sale…especially if you are buying a non-classical color (ie not black). I got a pair of gray (pretty neutral) ones for ~50% off

      • In-House Europe

        Super late as usual but for comfortable high-end, Ferragamo (sp?) is amazing. They tend to run slightly old-lady but always have one or two styles that are both comfortable and stylish. I broke the heel in an airport recently and paid about €200 for a pair of black ballet flats from Ferragamo that have become my new favorites – it is seriously like wearing slippers.

  9. Coalea

    I spent the latter half of 2011 unemployed and sending out dozens of resumes. Very few of them were ever acknowledged, and even fewer resulted in an interview.

    Fast forward 1 year. I’m working now, but unhappy in my position (plus it’s a contract that may not get renewed). So, I started applying for jobs again. The very first out of the gate got an immediate response and an interview, so although I ultimately did not get the job, I thought perhaps the overall process was improved. Sadly, every subsequent application has been met with radio silence. RAWR!

    • DC Jenny

      I feel you; job hunting is the worst. I had an interview last year and emailed directly with the interviewers afterward but still had radio silence on whether I had gotten the job or not. How hard is it just to say, “Nope. Sorry.”?

      • TBK

        Seriously. Last year, I flew halfway across the country for five hours of interviews and never. heard. a. word. Really? I want my ding letter!

    • zora

      Ask A Manager has this awesome system where you can anonymously chastise employers for not sending no thank you messages. Go to email your interviewer dot com. It’s super fun. ;o)

    • 2/3 attorney

      Two weeks ago I got a rejection letter. Dated the day after I applied.

      With a typo. IN MY NAME.

      Yeah, ouch. Rejection letters are not always my favorite.

      • Kontraktor

        If it makes you feel any better, I got a ‘congratulations on your hard work’ type letter from one of my old company’s maybe 40 or so top people and my name was spelled wrong in multiple places. Clearly my hard work was super valued if the guy couldn’t even be bothered to have his secretary check the global address book to make sure my name was spelled right.

      • Bluejay

        I once called the HR person at a big, famous employer where I was a finalist for a job to tell her that I had been offered another position and wanted to know if I was still in the running for the job at BFE. She called back and left me a voicemail saying “Hi, Julia, congratulations on your job offer….”

        My name is not Julia.

      • Mistakes

        I’m not sure if this is better or worse…but when I left my last job, they gave me a crystal clock with a plaque that was engraved with my name and my title. The title was spelled incorrectly.

  10. petitesq

    Anyone have any advice re: Buenos Aires? My best friend accompanied her hubby there on business, but he’s so tied up with work he can’t spend time with her, and she’s been cautioned not to wander by herself. I know she’s taken a bus tour, but I just don’t have any context to help or make suggestions. I know they’re staying somewhere near the US embassy, but that’s most of the detail I have.

    Any suggestions re: things to do (safely, as a pretty, young, American woman traveling alone)? Safe ways to travel? I realize this is a bit of a shot in the dark, but just in case!

    • LSC

      Oh, it’s fine to travel by yourself there! I lived there in 2007 and almost always felt comfortable on my own. The only place I would use a lot of vigilance in would be La Boca, which has a nice (but touristy) market area to visit. Definitely stay in the touristy area and don’t visit at night! The neighborhoods of Palermo and Recoleta are very safe. You can wander around those areas and check out lots of neat shops and restaurants. Palermo also has some great gardens and parks, and Recoleta has a nice church and a really cool cemetary where Evita and her family are buried. There’s a weekend antique market in San Telmo which is really neat. You can check out polo games, see tango at the famous cafe tortoni, or enjoy good wine (Malbec) just about anywhere. As long as she is careful and observant, she should be fine!

    • A

      Palermo Soho is a great area! Lots of cute restaurants and shops. Recoleta is also nice….great parks, restaurants, etc. Kind of random, but the Recoleta Cemetery is worth checking out.

      I second the recommendation for a polo match and tango show. There are even tango classes at some of the tango halls which are really fun. I love BA!

      • Lalo

        Polo is awesome. If she and her husband are interested, they do lessons out in the province. I love Buenos Aires-I’m very jealous of your friend.

    • Bonnie

      I spent two weeks in B.A. last year and did not feel unsafe at all. Some of my friends were victims of a pick pocket at a crowded market but I would not be concerned about walking around, especially in the tourist areas. Recoleta is one of my favorite neighborhoods, especially the museum of fine art. I’d suggest buying a ticket on one of those double decker buses are getting a feel of the city first. http://www.buenosairesbus.com/en/

  12. Granola

    Any tips for surviving a really rough couple of weeks at work? I’ve been working 15 hour days for the last 14 or so days straight (including the weekend), all in the office, and now I just want to RAWR at anyone who sticks their head into my office. I know this comes with the deal (biglaw) and I’ve had many stretches like this before (and kind of just powered through them), but I don’t know if I’ve ever felt this annoyed and “ragey” at work. It’s like I’ve woken up on the wrong side of the bed, every day. I just need to survive this for another 5 days or so (when the deal will sign) without snapping at my client/coworkers/other side’s counsel. Coffee, getting one good night’s sleep (which I did last night), and outside walks around the office just aren’t doing it for me this time. I’m keeping my door closed and my head down, but really I just want to send out a bunch of emails in all caps.

    • TO lawyer

      I find some sort of physical exertion usually helps – I’ll read a fashion magazine on the treadmill (speed walking at an incline) or go for a short but intense run. It usually helps with my ragey feeling. So does lifting weights actually… even small weights. Something about the monotony of lifting in sets and reps helps calm me. I always say these workouts when I’m working constantly aren’t actually for workout purposes but for sanity purposes.

    • DC Jenny

      Do you have access to a small animal you can cuddle? I recently went through something similar and found that a few minutes with my dog was a big comfort. Also, sometimes I just needed to shut my door and cry. I always felt better afterward.

      • Granola

        Actually yes, I have a very large and bear-like dog that I can cuddle – he always cheers me up. Exercise helps too, but I just haven’t been able to find the energy to do it in the few hours I have each day outside the office (sleep has been a priority). Glad to hear I’m not the only one who has felt ragey at work at times….

        • DC Jenny

          Tell your troubles to the dog! I swear this works. And if you rub his belly at the same time, he won’t get annoyed with your incessant ranting about your idiot boss the way some human companions might.

    • Ketchup

      I have pretend conversations in my car, where noone can hear me, where I imagine what I would say if I could tell people off. It’s a small gratification although does sometime makes me concerned about the state of my mental health.

      Singing loudly and badly to a variety of pop songs seems to help too.

      I’ve always wondered if booking a vacation so I have something to look forward to, would help, but haven’t actually tried it.

      • Nonny

        I used to have the same pretend conversations, out loud, walking to and from the bus stop. Usually these were designed to take place when I couldn’t see anyone within earshot, but on occasion I discovered I was wrong about that. Oh well. Usually by the time I got to the imaginary conversation stage I didn’t care that much anymore.

        I have not had such pretend conversations since leaving BigLaw.

    • InfoGeek

      Not sure 1 night of good sleep is enough to make up for 14 days straight of stress. It’ll probably take more to recover.

      Chocolate and headphones/tunes help me make it through the day…. I’ve also been known to sneak out for an emergency cupcake or ice cream run.

      If you’re tempted to write that email, step away from the computer and go walk around the building or climb up & down stairs or do *anything* that won’t come back to haunt you.

      At night, I pretty much have to have time to read, especially if I’m grumpy/tired/stressed. Even 15 minutes makes a difference. What relaxes you?

      • Granola

        Agreed re: the reading – I have to read something different before I go to sleep, otherwise I will dream in deal documents all night. I am reading The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks and I can highly recommend it – also, it gives me a sense of perspective (which I seem to lose every morning on my way to the office). Although, sometimes all I can handle to read before bed is a trashy magazine. No shame in that.

      • anon in-house

        Probably horrible advice for your wallet, but I love online shopping breaks and having stuff delivered to my office. The thrill of ordering something and even better when opening something new (even if a cheapie necklace) gives me a burst of good cheer (albeit temporarily).

    • Ru

      I’ve sorta been liveblogging my impending work-stress-induced mental breakdown. To cope, I’ve been having lots of coffee and sugar and watching romcoms and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I’ve also been throwing a lot of work at my higher-ups and roping in coworkers to be my slave labor. I’m open to suggestions, too. Hang in there!

        • Granola

          Ha, I love Buffy. Great suggestion. Also, I have to admit that a couple of times after writing (but not sending) an email, I’ve gone to look at a website with cute puppies or wombat babies or whatever, and then gone back and rewritten the email (to sound less ragey). It’s a strange practice, but it seems to work.

  13. Susan

    NYMag has a piece on work-life balance and how a lot of heterosexual women end up with an unequal (disproportionately large) share of the childcare and housekeeping responsibilities.
    http://nymag.com/thecut/2012/09/why-straight-moms-should-parent-like-lesbians.html

    The underlying message, though, is “you hetero women do this to yourselves,” by choosing to (1) not supportive-enough men (2)being afraid to make him do stuff (3) allowing themselves to slide into imbalances by dialing back the career, etc.

    As a hetero woman, but not a parent, I think she’s correct mostly. She blames gender roles (and, I suppose, by extension, inertia/autopilot behaviors.) I’m not sure it’s so much about gender roles, though, but about people not being (1) fully thinking through what they really want (2)compounded by not being clear about expectations (3)not speaking up on expectations.

    • DC Jenny

      Thanks for sharing – this really interesting. While my SO is willing to do household work, I often run into him claiming not to know how to do some specific task. While it would usually be easier to do it myself, I always try to show him and make him do it himself. He spent his whole childhood focused on schoolwork and is very accomplished, but sometimes I want to ask his parents why they never thought to teach him how to clean a bathroom.

      • Susan

        A lot of it is not letting people slide along the path of least resistance.

        A confession here is in order– my parents, who are solidly from blue-collar/agrarian backgrounds with rinkydink formal educations (but very much the mold of self-educated, self-made people), worked really hard to give me some semblance of a middle-class upbringing. They encouraged me to focus on academics, and afterschool activities, and encouraged me to make friends and hang out with them. In short, they wanted me to have the sheltered, idyllic childhood they never had.

        The way they implemented this goal, though, was to never ask me to do a single chore, and to forbid me to work a part-time job (I put my foot down at the latter and came up with good reasons why I should and they relented, somewhat.) In my mother’s words, “a job will disturb your studies.”

        Net result: when I started living on my own, I couldn’t manage the most basic stuff. As in, how to properly clean a bathroom!

        I’m pretty sure that I had met my boyfriend (and now DH) and moved in with him right away, I’d have likely taken the path of least resistance, which is to let him, the more capable person do everything. Thankfully, things got bad (my apt looked like a hovel, and I asked people how to do stuff and learned it, slowly, painfully.)

        The leaning on the more capable person to do everything is bad form, because it’s unfair to the other person, and it guarantees that one doesn’t learn anything. So, there are many factors that can lead to um, ineffectiveness/ignorance about household chores. They’re just exacerbated by gender roles.

        • Midwest

          Did we have the same upbringing? I did chores, but definitely less than most of my peers. DH should thank his lucky stars that I lived on my own long enough before marrying him to figure out REAL QUICK how to do useful things.

          That’s a total aside to the original point, but I had to comment because I don’t know many people who’d admit to having that same background.

    • SAB

      I agree that not speaking up on expectations really contributes to the problem. My husband and I divde up a lot of household tasks along stereotypical lines, but part of that stems from us doing the things we are better at. I cook because I enjoy it, he deals with the yard because it matters more to him than me. We re-visit the division of labor sometimes and tweak as needed. Parenting is pretty much the same way. Both of us expect the other to step up. Even when the labor is divided 50/50, there are days you each feel like you are giving 105%. I try to remember that before RAWRing on him when he needs a break.

    • Research, Not Law

      I agree with your analysis. As someone with a husband who isn’t the stereotype (he does more than his ‘fair share’ of housekeeping, cooking, and childcare), I’ve come to the conclusion that other women allow it to happen – and not uncommonly, prefer it to happen. I think they like the control and sense of superiority. I’m not sure they are conscious of it, though. It’s a shame. It adds so much stress to the marriage.

      • Susan

        This is so true (re: some women liking the control and sense of superiority.)

        I think a lot of folks want to be an expert at *something* and to feel like they have something that’s their domain. I see this dynamic with my MIL. She’s quite old, as is my FIL, and although she’s trained my FIL to do laundry, vacuum, scrub the bathrooms, and help with cooking, she nitpicks at him, and sometimes, she pushes him aside (figuratively) and takes over the task.

        But then she turns around and complains about how sh!tty it is to have to scrub bathroom floor tiles and that it’s mindnumbing and dull. So I see the conflict in her– as sh!tty as she thinks the task is, and even though traditionally, these tasks have been relegated to women, it’s still a domain to claim. And she clings to it, and deep down, enjoys the feeling that “if I didn’t do this, it’d never be done right, so I have to do everything.” I see it as a symptom of codependency, really. The desire to feel needed for external validation.

        Whereas I go for more …motive purity. I want to know the people in my life are with me because they *want* to be with me for my core personality, not because they *need* me to dispense services (cleaning, cooking, etc.)

        • NOLA

          I love how you express this! The last paragraph resonates with me. I am so independent and defiantly self-sufficient, but I will let my SO occasionally clean my bathroom (he does a better job) and chores that I can’t do myself (electrical, installing an AC unit). We don’t live together so it’s easier to not let it get to be an expectation. I cook for us and he is so incredibly appreciative of my cooking and the fact that I cook for us that I would never resent it. But ultimately, we just want to be together and the other stuff is lagniappe.

    • Kanye East

      I take your point, but I don’t think anyone should underestimate the fact that–consciously or not, intentionally or not–most of our parents probably raised us to be obedient “good girls” in ways that were never impressed upon our brothers. So much gender role stereotyping happens from birth, and we pick up on it whether it’s explicit or not. At least it did with me.

      And I’m not even going to get started on the role religion can play.

      And with that, I give you a

      //Kanye shrug//

      • Anon

        I don’t think it was intentional by any means, but comparing my transition to college and the real world to that of my brothers was illuminating. Things like cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry were no big deal. I had practiced those skills for years by helping my mom. In a way, I felt bad for my brothers because no one felt the need to teach them these things before they lived on their own.

        Again, I don’t think my parents thought intentionally “They’ll get married and have a wife that can do that for them, no sense in teaching them now.” But really, how is it that I can run my household and they struggle with grocery shopping and sorting dry clean only items from the laundry?

      • cici

        I don’t think you can say most parents. I’m sure plenty did but I never had that experience, and judging from my circle and the relationships I know, they didn’t either. I think there could certainly be regional/culture factors involved though.

      • Susan

        Kanye East,

        You bring up some excellent points. I’ll add ethnic culture to the mix with religion. I have a mentee whose Pakistani immigrant family imposed a lot of gender-roles w.r.t. household chores even though the parents both wanted their children (boys and girls alike) to have successful careers in medicine, law, and business. My mentee told me that her brothers could barely boil an egg.

  14. Divaliscious11

    BUMMED! Am now going to miss the ‘rette meet-up in Chicago ….husband bumped from flight, now getting in right smack in the middle of get together

    catch you guys at the next one…..

  15. @ Roses -- PHX

    Thanks for your comment this am about the Corso Como at my habit …. new riding boots coming my way! (Hope they fit!)

  16. anon hopeful law prof

    Well, hello hive! I’ve popped in a few times asking questions about legal writing professor jobs. Right now, I’m a 6th year litigator in a major metro-area. My first firms were mid-sized (30-80 attorneys), then I took a year off to teach English at a high school (not voluntarily – big layoffs in 2009), and my current firm is small with big-firm clients (cities, school districts, gigantic construction and engineering firms).

    There is a legal writing position now open at a law school ranked just 3-4 spots below the school I attended. I’m working on my application, and they are requesting just one writings sample – I’m using an appeals court reply brief I recently wrote. For recommendations, I’m using a long-time client (since day 1 of my practice), a past supervisor from my old firm, and my legal writing professor that I keep in touch with.

    Do I have any chance at all? They are only looking for 3 years of real-world lawyering experience, and I certainly have that. Are they going to get 100 applications and pass me by because I’m not currently published (only 1-2 articles to list) and I’m not already teaching? I just don’t know that much about the competition for these types of positions. I’m applying because I absolutely love teaching. The year I taught and practiced law at the same time was the most fun I’ve ever had! I’ve always been one for the theoretical/research/teaching side of the law. Thoughts?

    • anon hopeful law prof

      *writing sample – just one – no typos in the application, I promise!

    • violet

      I’m pretty sure my legal writing professor clerked for a federal judge for 1 year and then worked at a firm for one or two years before teaching. So I think you have plenty of experience!

    • Boston Legal Eagle

      I don’t know what the competition is like for these kinds of positions but I think you have a great shot. My legal writing class was the most practical of all of my first year classes so I think your litigation experience in the firms is much more useful than having a ton of academic publications. You’ll be teaching the students how to draft motions, write client letters, and generally how to be a lawyer so you should be well qualified. I think your year of teaching will also set you apart from the other applicants.

      Good luck! Be nice to your student assistant too, if you have those at your school. The best thing you can do is to make sure that the two of you are on the same page in terms of both stylistic and content preferences for the assignments.

  17. Anon

    I’m a 6th year associate in biglaw, and I’m 2 months pregnant. I find myself completely overwhelmed at work and not at all sure I want to return to this grind next week, much less next year, after the baby is born. On the other hand, the prospect of 6 months paid maternity leave and a part-time re-entry is appealing.

    6 months ago, I definitely was on track to make partner. Now, I can barely summon the energy/mental focus to complete the bare minimum on my to do list. Today, I caught myself fantasizing about taking a job as a secretary — strict 9-5, guaranteed lunch break, no weekend work, and no real stress.

    Should I be looking for a new job now? Keeping my head down, avoid volunteering for new work and just try to get by without doing too much harm? Some other approach?

    If it’s relevant, I have about 4 weeks of vacation I haven’t used, and I don’t think I’ll be able to tack them on to my maternity leave. Should I try to just take a few days each month in the meantime, to keep my sanity? It will mean my hours are low-ish month-to-month, but they’ve always been high in the past, so I feel like I’m entitled to a little slack.

    • Bluejay

      I’d say not to make any big decisions until after you have the baby. Pregnancy can make you very exhausted and hormones can affect your decision-making skills. If you were partner track 6 months ago, you may well be back to partner track a year from now when you return from maternity leave.

      Do your coworkers know you’re pregnant yet? Once you tell them, you may be able to scale back a bit or have some flexibility to telecommute. I think your idea to take a few vacation days per month is a good diea.

    • SAB

      I agree, wait until after the baby comes to make decisions. It took my 6-12 months after my child was born to fully re-engage. You are in the sleeping sickness part of pregnancy which is likely contributing to the feeling overwhelmed. It gets better.

    • CKB

      Absolutely wait! You are growing a human which takes an unbelieveable amount of energy which is why you are so tired. And you have hormones raging through you as well – I think I heard more hormoes go through a pregnant woman’s body in an hour than through a non-pregnant woman’s body in a year. Anyway, now is not the time to be making big career decisions. Do whatever you can to make work easier on you, especially until you hit your stride in the 2nd trimester when you get more energy. Truly, it does get better! Good luck!

    • Research, Not Law

      Echoing others, don’t make any drastic changes right now. Early pregnancy is a struggle. The fog will clear in the coming months. The ~18 months of pregnancy and infanthood is, in my experience, essentially lost time. You’re never feeling 100% – but it will get better. Don’t shot your career in the foot over 18 months.

      Besides, you don’t want to lose what sounds like an incredible maternity leave.

      Once you’re announce at work, you can hopefully gear down a bit, which will help. I do think using the vacation time to give yourself some slack would be a good plan, assuming you cannot or would not use it for your leave.

    • Ketchup

      Congratulations!

      I know it is different for everyone but i was a zombie during the first 3 months of my pregnancy – just ate (white bread mostly because everything else made me nauseous) and slept and I was so exhausted. I mean just barely functional.
      Then once I hit 4 months it was like I got this 2nd energy – I was so freaking productive at work, it was scary. I felt great until 2 weeks before I gave birth, although the last month was a bit harder just because I was so enormous.
      So, hang in there. You can make it! And then you are really going to appreciate your 6 months maternity leave. You can always decide not to come back after it.
      Plus, and you ladies are the lawyers here, but who the hell is going to mess with you while you’re pregnant?! So if you need to take it easy once in a while, I think it will be ok.

      • May

        This is exactly my experience right down to the white bread. Hang on and be a
        Amazed.

  18. e

    Threadjack – did anyone receive an email from Last Call by Neiman Marcus for $50 off? I am trying to use the promo code (HELLO) but you have to put in the email address that the code was sent to. Grrr! I would be so thankful to anyone who wouldn’t mind sharing their email address w/ me (that isn’t planning on using the code themselves of course!). My email is ewolff at gmail. Thanks so much!!

  19. Fat Calves

    Ladies…how are riding boots supposed to fit in the calf? I ask because I HAVE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO ZIP THEM UP until I met the Lands End Blakeley Riding boot, which i am now madly in love with.

    I bought them in regular and wide; regular zips up but juuuust barely; wide zips up and I can fit my fingers in about 2″ down.

    I am going to marry these boots. Right after I figure out which ones to keep.

    • Boston Legal Eagle

      Not fat, athletic! :) I think it depends on how you plan to wear them. If with just thin tights, then the regulars are probably fine. If you want to wear skinny jeans with them, I would get the wide ones. Try walking around in them with various clothing options and see how you feel.

  20. Anon for this

    Ladies, I have a question. I dropped out of college my senior year (undergraduate) because of financial reasons. I’ve always said I would go back, but it’s been 6 years, and I still have no degree, and have taken no steps to move in that direction. I’m pretty disappointed in myself, to say the least. I would love to go back and get my degree in accounting, and eventually get a Masters also.

    My question is: how late is too late to begin a new career, age wise? For any accountants out there: how late is too late to break into that field? I love coming to this website and participating, but I must admit that it makes me feel worse about the fact that I’m still without a degree and a career to show for my years…but it’s definitely making me reevaluate my current state. :)

    • Research, Not Law

      Making some assumptions, I’m guessing you are 28-ish? That’s absolutely not too late. That’s just the beginning of your career. Go for it.

      I do recommend utilizing community college to get your lower division coursework done. It will save money, likely be more suited to a working schedule, and isn’t so focused on the typical 18 year-old world.

    • Brant

      No, no way, not at all. Do it now.

      My mom spent her 30s wanting to go back to school, her 40s regreting it, and her 50s thinking she totally should have done it in her 30s or 40s.

      The next couple of years might suck (esp. if you try to accelerate), but you’ll look back and be SO glad you did it.

    • NOLA

      Not sure what you do for a living but have you thought about getting a job at a university so you can finish your degree for free? Many universities offer tuition remission to employees and I’ve had some great staff who’ve done that. My friends who never finished really regret it and it gets harder the longer you wait. Do it!

    • Stepmom re driving and ACT preparing

      You might consider Columbia University’s School of General Studies. It is an undergraduate program especially for non-traditional students. Average age: 29. You’ve already finished so much of your degree, that you probably wouldn’t need to spend a lot of time there. Website to follow.

      PS: I discovered this when I was reading about the email “exchange” between the State Department and CNN. Phillippe Reines, from the State Department, went there.

    • AmyRenee

      one major thing to consider – what were you studying and how close were you to done? If you were nearly finished I’d suggest you contact schools NOW and find out how close your credentials are to finishing up your degree is – I have a friend who kept taking time off from school and their policy was only to accept credits less than 10 years old, so when he was almost done with his last upper level classes he had to petition or they would’ve made him re-take some of his freshman level coursework. Every school is different, but you don’t want to procrastinate and lose out on credits you’ve already earned. Good luck to you – deciding to do it is half the battle!

    • LadyEnginerd

      Can you just take the one year to finish up your studies at your old institution without worrying about transferring credits to another one?

      Is it too late? Heck no! If Rivers Cuomo and Brian May can finish their degrees 6 and 30 years later, respectively, you can too!

  21. Ketchup

    I have 3 friends that finished their MAcc in their late 20s and early 30s (they took time off for kids). One got a job at Big4, One at Fortune500 and one at a small local firm. This was about 10 years ago – they are doing great and one is actually going back to school for nursing (changing her career again)! This was state school degrees btw. I wouldn’t do community college if you are interested in accounting, go to a school with an established program. In Midwest, Illinois or Indiana are great choices – lots of great companies recruit there. I would also get yourself involved with activities and be young at heart; that goes a long way with recruiters.

  22. HKinNYC

    Hi all – I have a question that might have been addressed here before but I can’t locate any threads. I am going to a work-sponsored black tie event, and I’m wearing a fancy short dress with strappy sandals. (Short dress is fine – I checked.) My question is, should I wear hose or not? If yes, should it be nude? Thanks for your help!

    • Cat

      if you’re wearing strappy sandals, hose is definitely a no. If you’re at firm that is conservative enough that you feel you SHOULD wear hose, you should wear closed toe dressy pumps.

      You also may want to re-consider “strappy” shoes for a business function, depending on how s*xy they are designed to look. For my business casual east coast Biglaw, I wore a knee length satin dress with satin peep toes and no hose.

    • KC

      Others may disagree, but I don’t think hose is necessary at a black tie event, especially if short dresses are okay. That, and I personally don’t like the look of hose with strappy shoes…

      • HKinNYC

        Thanks for the very helpful advice! You’re right, I should have rethought the strappy sandals and gone with a more closed shoe. I wasn’t aiming for se#y (I’m middle-aged), just trying to match the dress. My place is moderately conservative (not Biglaw) so no rules on having to wear hose. So I will go ahead and wear the shoes with no hose.

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