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Oooh: I was perusing the Bittar necklaces at Last Call for my birthday (the one I got is sold out now, alas) and spied this black lucite necklace, which I've worn in a lighter color via Rent the Runway. It's a lightweight, comfortable necklace, but it makes a statement — I think the matte black Lucite would be great for work. It was $295, is marked to $168 today, and code LCLOVE (which takes 35% off ONE item) brings it down to $146. Alexis Bittar Medium Three-Link Lucite Necklace Psst: these highly-rated Vince heels are 50% off at Nordstrom (in the gray, not the black). (L-4)Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
anon
That’s hideous. Sorry.
Anonymous
I thought it was ugly when I saw the picture and then I saw the word “lucite” and no, just no.
meme
As far as aesthetics go, whatever, it’s fine, but $300 for a plastic necklace? Uh, no. That’s nuts.
Wildkitten
That’s probably why it’s down to $146.
I like it. But I also like lucite.
Sydney Bristow
I like it but wouldn’t pay that much for it. Maybe $30.
Ru
Ha, no. No more than $12.
Anonymous
eh. its alexis bittar most of his stuff is Lucite and most of it is expensive. they are statement pieces and well made, but yes, you are paying for the brand.
Anonymous
Is it absolutely crazy to ask for a part-time schedule in a law firm when you don’t have kids? My job is currently pretty demanding. I work more than 50 hours a week (it’s steady though, no crises or late nights) to meet my hours requirement and I really dislike the work. Because I work so much, the dislike of work is spilling over into a general dislike of life and affecting my relationships. If I could work even 35-40 hours a week, I think there’s a very good chance I would be so much happier. We don’t really need my salary – my husband has a stable job that he enjoys and we are debt-free and live in a very cheap area – but I’m very hesitant to leave the workforce altogether for a number of reasons. Part-time seems like an ideal solution. My mid-size firm has a history of letting women with young kids go to a part time schedule where they are paid per billable hour (I’m not sure how insurance and stuff like that works, but it is not a huge deal because I can get all that through my husband). I want to have kids relatively soon, but probably not for a year or two. Is it crazy to ask for part-time now? I feel like I should try to kill it at work for a couple years so I’ll be invaluable once I have kids and they’ll be more likely to agree to this schedule then, but I think there’s a good chance they’d agree now and I could enjoy a better life for the next two years. Plus the idea of working my current schedule while pregnant terrifies me (I have heard a lot of horror stories about pregnancy exhaustion from my mom and others). I know plenty of people do it but I have never been someone who functions well when tired and am honestly pretty exhausted now, so I can’t imagine giving anything close to 100% while pregnant…
Anonymous preggo
Not a lawyer, but my BFF asked her BigLaw firm for a different type of lifestyle accommodation even though she didn’t have kids, and she was given it. In her case, she wanted to move back to her hometown (across the country from the practice group she was in). They had apparently granted that to people who needed to move for spouses etc before, but they did it for her as well.
I can’t say whether it was a good idea. She had a very good reputation at the firm, but I don’t think even she ever really wanted to be partner. Ultimately, she was essentially told at her 7th year review that she wouldn’t make partner and should explore her options over the next few years. She now has an in-house job she really likes (through a former colleague), and her job is based in the city where she lives. If she did want to make partner, I can only imagine asking for this accommodation would have significantly diminished her chances regardless of what else she did. But if you want to go PT, it doesn’t sound like that’s a big deal for you.
Ellen
Yay Kat! I love the Vince Pump’s, but I do NOT think they are Vince Camuto’s! As for the Lucite necklace, no, I prefer something that is NOT plastic for that kind of money. FOOEY!
As for the OP, yes, you need to go part time NOW, even if you are not yet PREGENANT. You say you will have kid’s soon, so what is stoppeing you NOW from telling your boss you want to get PREGENANT and have kid’s and then spend more time with DH in the bedroom. If you do so, it will HAPPEN. YAY for you! Do NOT wait. Mention the part time now so that you can start slackeing off even before you have a child. Once you do, then you can do even less, or nothing at all, as long as you show up with a baby. I am thinkeing of artificial insemeination b/c the men I know just want to have sex, but NOT take responsibility for being the FATHER of the baby. So if they will NOT, I will NOT give them the thrill of haveing sex with me only to burp and walk away, like Sheketovits did. Fortunately, Sheketovits was shooting blank’s as he was VERY sloppey in the bedroom. I kind of figured he was a neuter b/c it took him month’s to try and grow a mustash, which NEVER looked like anything! DOUBEL FOOEY!
So in your case, OP, go part time and start tryeing to get pregenennt ASAP. YAY!!!!!!
Anonymous
No help, sorry, but curious to see the hive’s thoughts on this.
Wow
No advice but this is a great question. The only person I know who did who did not have kids had a very ill parent, and went part-time so that she would have more time to spend with mom . If you have a good reputation and you feel pretty sure that they will grant you this option, why not ask? The worst is they will say no.
Sounds like you don’t want to be a partner which is all the more reason to ask.
In the alternative, I would look for another job. Sounds like you don’t like the work and even if you work less, you still won’t like the work. Better to work full time in a job you really enjoy than in a part time job you hate.
OP
I definitely want to work part-time when I have kids, so I’m not really interested in getting a different full-time job, especially because a different job likely wouldn’t have the part-time option. Also I’ve worked in a few different jobs at this point in my career and I just really don’t much like being a lawyer so I’m very doubtful I could find a job I really like without changing careers completely. There’s nothing objectively “bad” about my current job except the hours. The people are nice, the work is reasonably interesting, etc.
Anonymous preggo
Curious why you think you can’t find a job you will like. My BFF mentioned above is in-house with a former client, but she’s not actually in the legal department. She uses her legal knowledge, but she’s on the business side and part of the company’s revenue-generating operations (legal understanding is critical to those operations). This might be highly unique to her area of expertise, but I kind of doubt it.
OP
I really don’t think I would enjoy being in-house, based on my personality. Honestly, the part of my law firm job that I like best is doing repetitive, low-level stuff that I know I can do well (doc review, legal research). I dislike doing new things that I’m not good at, even if rationally I know I can become good at these things with practice. I hate big-picture, strategic thinking and don’t like thinking about the business side of things. I also hate being pulled in a million different directions and having to answer to lots of different people, and I understand that’s pretty common from my in-house friends. Doing “business” sounds much worse to me than doing law. In-house jobs are also hard to get unless you can move or happen to be in an area where there are tons of them, and we can’t move and there aren’t many in-house jobs in my area.
Anonymous
OP — it sounds like you want to be a contract attorney.
Anonymous
Or a career law clerk.
Anonymous
Yes. My company has several kinds of in-house lawyers. Corporate council is VERY different from our business-unit level legal rep, who does contracting. The salary is decent, the hours are normal business hours, and you aren’t the “business side.” You just make sure the sales team doesn’t do anything crazy during deal making.
Anonattorney
I think it’s very possible, as long as you are able to pursue a contract attorney or an of counsel role. In my experience, this is only an option for senior associates who are experienced enough to take on large projects. For example, are you an experienced enough litigator to prepare and likely argue a dispositive motion with minimal oversight from the partner? There also needs to be a level of comfort on your side and the firm’s side that you aren’t really on a normal partnership track. And the people who tend to get these roles are lawyers who have GREAT and THOROUGH work product, but maybe minimal marketing opportunities or aren’t great in client-facing roles.
Anonymous
Yes. It’s completely crazy.
Diana Barry
So what your firm offers sounds not like PT but like a contract role ($x/hr), which tends not to be compensated as well. I work PT but it is a fixed percentage of time and salary, so everything is pro-rated to my PT percentage. I still use the firm-provided health insurance, etc.
OP
I think you are right that it is not compensated as well as part-time in the pro-rated sense, but that is not a huge concern for me.
cbackson
I know someone who did it. Ultimately she was very unhappy with the impact on her career, but it depends on what you need/want in terms of long-term goals. I think the odds are fairly high you’d be stuck in a contract role, which means low status, not great pay, limited benefits, and possibly no bonus; it may also mean crappy boring projects. What you’d get stuck with depends on what kind of work you’re able to do now.
Bear in mind that if they say no, you may want to have an exit strategy in place…you’re going to be telegraphing both your future plans and your feelings about your current work situation pretty clearly.
Honestly, if you want to preserve your future earning capability and career prospects, I think better options are sticking with the job for now, or going ahead and working to jump to a less-consuming FT job that you can be happier with.
APC
I’d do it. I thought about something similar when I was in Big Law. Like how much happier I would be if I worked 70% of that time and got 70% of that money. A lot of complaints i hear about PT firm work is that it still doesn’t necessarily follow a schedule – i.e., if you’re supposed to only work 3 days a week, that doesn’t necessarily work out as only working 3 days a week – which could be a problem if you’re trying to plan child care around those circumstances, but it sounds like for you that part wouldn’t be a concern. You’d just be working less for less money, which is totally fair. Girl, do it and enjoy it and tell us how it goes!
Blonde Lawyer
If it is actually impacting your health and your mental health, you could request it as an accommodation. Law firms (generalizing here) tend to look down on people that want time off but are much more understanding when it is for a reason, even in the vacation realm. Honeymoon? Traveling to a wedding? Visiting out of town family? Going to Europe? Awesome. Just want a one week staycation? They (at least the people I have worked with) will think you are weird. It’s not right, but sometimes you have to play the game and ask it the way they want to hear it.
To me it sounds like the hours are the issue and you could likely honestly say that for health reasons, you would like to move to x schedule. Are you a litigator? If so, you will likely need to be flexible with your hours. It would be harder to just say “no Wednesdays” and you might have to change what your off days are each week based on your court schedule. Personally, I’m usually stuck at work not to bill more hours but to get the work done. You need them to not just let you work less hours but to give you less work as well.
Anon
Is it crazy for me to think you’re not working that much? I mean 50 hours is roughly 10 hours a day which seems reasonable for a law job. I wouldn’t try to work less than that if you don’t really have a reason. I would wait until you had kids.
Anonymous
+1. And there’s not that much difference between 40 and 50 hours a week, imo. There are people in my firm who work part time and don’t have kids. But when things get crazy busy and people are pulling weeks on weeks of late nights, everyone silently resents the part timer for going home at 5 p.m.
OP
I get that people will hate you if you leave them in the lurch, and I would certainly work late nights or weekends when needed (they are very rare at my current firm; although I have been at other firms where late nights are the norm). My primary goal is to reduce my hours on a yearly basis, not to have a strict 9-5, four day a week schedule, which I realize is unrealistic for most lawyers. I do think an extra ten non-work hours a week would make a huge difference in my quality of life, but maybe I’m wrong about that.
Hollis
You left me at “I really dislike the work.” Believe me, after having kids, you will hate it more, because you will be sleep-deprived, have more demands on your time, and will resent anything that keeps you away from your kids. It sounds like you have a 2 year time span to find a job (or career?) that will satisfy you. Why not switch to something you actually like so that when you have to go back to work, you’ll actually enjoy it? Try reading “Lean In.”
OP
I read Lean In years ago, and honestly? I just don’t really want to Lean In. I know I’m not the only highly educated person who feels that way (see yesterday’s thread about someone who was thinking of leaving her high-powered job to become a barista). I want to have some sort of job that brings in some income and that would make it easier to transition back to a full-time job in case of a worst case scenario like divorce but I couldn’t care less about prestige and loving what I do. I get my fulfillment from non-work things, and I am ok with that.
Anon
As someone who considered leaning out because of the same reasons… And I am so glad I didn’t. As we were getting ready to start trying for kids, my ex decided he didn’t want to have kids… After 9 years of marriage and him wanting kids the whole time, just not yet… So, yeah, glad I stayed focused on career and now can continue to support myself.
Anonymous
I’ve been doing Weight Watchers and working out since late December (I know it’s early). I lost a few pounds at first but then gained them back and then have stayed the same since, although I do feel more toned from my workouts (barre and spin).
My question is about the whole muscle weighs more than fat thing. I see people saying that’s why they haven’t lost weight, and I’ve always thought that was sort of a cop out and actually they were just eating more because of the workouts. At what point is it a real thing that influences your weight?
Anonymous
I think it’s more likely water retention from workouts (or overeating/eating unhealthy food) than from muscle gain. To gain pounds of muscle, women typically have to eat an excess of calories and lift weights for a consistent period of time.
Only you know if you’re eating within the limits of your WW plan. If you’ve been consistently staying within your points range and working out, you’ll see weight loss over time. Sometimes your body resists that change initially, but the reality is that if you’re eating fewer (and healthier) calories than you need to maintain your weight, you will lose weight! If you start approaching your goal or maintenance weight, then you might notice that weight gain doesn’t necessarily correlate with tighter clothes and that might be the point at which your weight is increasing due to muscle gain.
Your best bet is to more or less ignore the scale and go by clothing fit, general feeling of well-being, etc.
Anon
I lost 30 lbs 3 years ago on WW and have kept it off. Occasionally, 5 lbs will creep back on and I’ll hop back on the plan for a month just for the refresher course.
For me at least, WW works every single time…so long as I’m not cheating and I’m tracking correctly. I’m guilty, like another poster talked about this week, of rewarding myself for a workout with food, basically negating it. It’s also easy to underestimate how much you’re actually eating. And sometimes, you get mixed up about a food you think is healthy (diet vs regular popcorn) and you’ve been tracking diet points when you’ve been scarfing down regular (this example has nothing to do with me on the couch last night, nothing at all).
If it’s none of those things, I’d talk to one of those WW coaches to see what’s up.
Opal
I was very successful on WW in the past (5 yrs ago) and I recently recommitted. So, this is just advice… start measuring yourself – waist, butt, thighs. That is what kept me sane during my success years ago when I otherwise hit horrible and long plateaus on the scale. I also went to my gym and had them do a body composition test. Both of these things proved that I was improving my health, and that the number on the scale wasn’t the full story about my efforts. In time, the number on the scale started to move in a meaningful way.
Sorry if that doesn’t answer your question, but I am cheering for you!
Anonymous
I’m not sure, but it does take time to see results, even if it’s working. I went on a diet once where I successfully lost 30lbs and I finally just threw my hands up in the air after a month and kept doing it anyways, even though it seemed like it didn’t work. Four months later, it was like a switch had flipped and 20 lbs was gone.
Anon
Currently doing WW. Are you eating back the fitpoints you are earning? That is really discouraged under the new SmartPoints system unless you are really working out a ton (like an hour plus daily – then eat back some). Are you tracking everything? – I wasn’t tracking the cream/sugar in my coffee- once I started it made a difference. The losing fat adding muscle may make a difference on the scale but you should still see lost inches – are you tracking your measurements as well? There’s a spot in the booklet and online for that.
Wildkitten
If you are staying the same weight while gaining muscle and losing fat you will notice changes in the shape of your body. Have you noticed that?
TBK
I lost 25 lbs post-law school on the old old points system without any trouble. I went back on a few years ago to drop some pounds that had crept back and had zero luck. I tracked obsessively, was very meticulous, and was much much hungrier than I’d been before and yet never lost more than 3lbs. I’ve now been trying to lose 20lbs of post-baby weight tracking calories (using a weighted average of suggested targets from different web sites based on my height, weight, age, and a sedendary activity level), watching my macronutrient distribution, cutting out sugar and alcohol, eating tons of vegetables, and doing both strength and cardio workouts…and nothing. I don’t know what the answer is but it’s infuriating. Especially when there’s always the assumption that you’re doing it wrong somehow.
Anon at 2:18
might be worth giving the new WW Smartpoints system a try. This is the first ‘diet’ I’ve ever done but I found it really helpful in resetting my understanding of how much I should be eating post-pregnancy. Foods low in fat and carbs but high in protein have a low points value, fruits and veg are no points. Apparently it allows less sugar and encourages more protein that the PointPlus system. I’ve been very surprised by how easy it was to integrate it into my life and also surprised by how much I was eating before that I didn’t need.
TBK
Yeah, kind of skeptical about the whole “no points” for fruit thing. I think that’s why the last version didn’t work for me.
TBK
Also I find they’re way too harsh on fats.
Anonymous
Did you get fat eating fruit?
JJ
Hi. Rude.
APC
To 3:16 – I’m going to ignore your snark but say that when I did WW, I didn’t lose if I went into my weekly bonus points (even though you are supposed to be able to have those), and I didn’t lose if I ate exactly my points but a large volume of food (i.e., very fibrous, low point foods but a lot of it). For me to lose weight I have to account for every bite I take, and that includes a bowl of fruit salad, or an apple or whatever. So there’s that.
Anon0321
one leader I had at ww said if you are having issues w zero point foods, count every three as one point- just to keep them in check. Just an idea.
JJ
Middle-age metabolism is a real and terrible thing. The only way I lose weight is to obsessively eat well and do HIIT alternating days with heavy lifting.
TBK
I just started doing a strength circuit/HIIT on alternate days (that is, strength circuit day 1, HIIT day 2). We’ll see how that works.
Anonymous
It’s a cop out. Barre and spin are not building substantial muscles. You’re eating too much. Are you eating all of your fit points? Weighing and measuring? Tracking everything?
TBK
I suspect that for some people the points are too much. So even if you’re weighing and measuring, not eating any bonus or exercise points, you still might not lose. (While others can eat ALL the points and do fine. When I lost weight post-law school, I ate pretty much all the points and lost 1-2 lbs/week.)
Bonnie
Not necessarily. When I was doing barre 5-6 days a week, my body got much tighter though I didn’t lose any weight.
emeralds
Can’t even with this comment. Anonymous, you do not know a damn thing about what the OP is or is not eating, and cannot tell her that she’s eating too much. Nor do you have any information on how muscular she is.
Anonymous
She ASKED.
Anon
Totally agree with emeralds.
Keep up your hard work, OP! It all takes time. Like WK says above, your shape may be changing and body fat percentages may be changing, even if the scale isn’t.
Also, for me, I could eat so very little, but if I eat gluten, I do not lose weight. TMI, yes, but it impacts my digestive system and the weight doesn’t come off. When I cut out gluten, weight comes off. I’m not saying this is your issue, but it’s possible that something you’re eating doesn’t digest easily for you (dairy, whatever).
KateMiddletown
Take your measurements and a bathing suit selfie, too. As sales-y as they can be sometimes with their food plan, I really like the ideas behind Tone It Up. It’s been working for me lately.
Blue ink pens
I’ve always been pretty suspicious of the whole “gaining weight in muscle” thing, but the biggest indicator should be how your clothes are fitting and whether other health stats (e.g. blood pressure, cholesterol, etc) are improving.
I did WW a few years ago to lose 10 pounds and it worked. But after I lost the weight, it was hard to keep it off. My two issues were that (1) I resented paying $20 a month to WW just to maintain a weight, so I gave up the subscription. But then you don’t have the points calculator. That makes me mad at the way the plan works to keep you paying. (2) I got tired of having to track everything and constantly be thinking about diet. I mean, it’s one thing to be thinking about health when you’re picking each meal. But it just became too much energy spent on calculating points and strategizing.
After I’d gained back some of the weight, I tried low-carb / Atkins. I can’t say it enough — IT IS SO MUCH BETTER. First, it’s free. Second, I had no idea that our bodies actually can burn fat pretty quickly. Third, at least for me, I don’t gain the weight back once I start eating whole carbs again, like fruit and whole wheat bread. Since you’re actually losing fat, the fat doesn’t magically reappear once you start carbs again. At least for me. Finally, I just really started focusing on eating whole foods. WW encourages “faux” foods too much, I think. If I stick to foods that I can pronounce all the ingredients, it makes a big big big difference.
Sarabeth
I don’t know if this is exactly the mechanism, but I fluctuate a size or two when I exercise without gaining/losing any weight. Like, if I exercise, I’m a size X and weight YYY pounds. If I don’t exercise, I’m size X+2 and still weigh YYY pounds.
emeralds
I just don’t have the time or the mental strength to go into my whole spiel, but OP: way to go with starting a workout regimen that is doing good things for your fitness level and your health! Remember that there are so many fantastic reasons for exercising and eating healthy that have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO with the size or weight of your body. And that even if you never lose a single pound, you are doing awesome things by getting active that will pay dividends over time for your health. I would worry less over the relative weights of muscle and fat, and worry more over: am I nourishing my body? Do I feel good about my activity level? Do I enjoy the exercise that I’m doing? Am I remembering that sometimes (to steal a line from my friend) you need the cupcake to balance out the kale, as much as you need the kale to balance out the cupcake?
Also, remember that human bodies are calibrated to hang onto weight differently. Sometimes calories in/calories out works for people; in many cases it does not. And yes, science proves this! It is totally possible to be a healthy, happy, and beautiful woman at whatever size your body happens to be.
TBK
This.
Anonymous
Ummmm ok. But she wants to lose weight and is frustrated she isn’t so this is really besides the point.
Stormtrooper
Yes, all of this.
Stormtrooper
Meaning, yes, all of what Emeralds said.
nutella
I think where you’re starting is a big factor. Are you already a size 6, trying to get to a size 0? If so, you very well may *see* changes in your body (seriously, take before and after pictures in a swimsuit and write down measurements), without seeing much of a change on the scale. My favorite trainer has a picture of her years ago where she is clearly a larger size than she is now and surprise — she weighs the same though you can see she is far leaner and firmer now. If you are already average or on the thin side, it will be harder to move 5-7 lbs but don’t discount the fact that actual changes may have happened even though the number on the scale is the same.
If, however, you need to lose say 60 lbs, then it may be time to look at diet and exercise. Maybe you need to eat fewer calories during the day. Maybe you need to sprinkle in 1-2 days of cardio with 1-2 days of weights. Maybe you need to switch up your spin/cardio because it’s not challenging you and that’s why you lose and then re-gained. Maybe your body is still too used to eating big meals – that takes time for you to get used to smaller meals (drinking plenty of water helps this transition).
Regardless, (1) you have been consistent this long– congratulations!!! and (2) I like what emeralds said – you are doing a HUGE amount of good for your body (stress relief, v02 efficiency, strengthening the bones, working the cardiovascular system) even though you aren’t seeing it — YET — on the outside. Celebrate that and celebrate you!
Anon
Muscle doesn’t weigh more than fat (a pound of each is a pound of each), but a person who weighs 150 pounds of more muscle than fat is going to look a lot leaner and smaller than a person who weighs 150 pounds of more fat than muscle.
For me to lose weight, I have to be strict about calorie counting and measuring my food. I feel best when I eat mostly lean protein with lots of veggies, some fruit, and some whole grains like oatmeal. I also lose weight more quickly when I combine cardio with strength training. And sometimes it still stalls out for who knows what reason and then I eat a donut and wake up the next morning down 3 pounds, haha. (But seriously, that has happened more than once to me!) It doesn’t make sense, but if you keep at it (whatever plan you decide works for you–it can take some figuring out) the scale will eventually move.
Aurora
PSA: For all of you who are frustrated not being able to find work dresses with sleeves, I’ve started keeping a Pinterest board of all the work dresses with sleeves that I run across in my online window-shopping. Hopefully it will be a help to some of you! The board is at pinterest.com slash theofficerblog
Anonymous
That’s great, thank you! And thank you for including plus-sizes!
Aurora
You’re welcome. :) I always see folks disappointed with the lack of plus sizes so I’m trying to improve on that. Since my plus experience is limited to what I see at department stores, I’d love suggestions for more plus-friendly brands if you have any!
Anonymous
This is awesome. I’m drooling over the Fold and No. 35 UK dresses — the British have good such taste!
Anonattorney
I really like your blog. Curious – what do you think of the new JCrew collarless blazer? Yay or nay?
Aurora
Thanks so much for reading and glad you like the blog! I’m assuming you mean the Regent blazer – hate it for work. Don’t like the popped collar or think it’s flattering, and think it will look super dated in a few years. (Take this with a grain of salt, since I generally join the bloggers who feel like J.Crew has lost its quality and timelessness recently.) However, I could see it being cute and stylish as a jacket for casual Friday or weekend piece.
That said, I have a ton of other collarless blazers (from Banana, Theory, and Ann Taylor) that I LOVE, so I’m totally team collarless blazer – just minus the popped collar. Since I’m petite, I think they really help cutting down on bulk, and even if you’re not petite, they have such a lovely streamlining effect. They’re also great if you need a topper but want the focus to be on the dress or blouse underneath.
Anonymous preggo
Early work-related TJ. Ladies, I need some help having a much better attitude about work.
I’m in the second week of a new job, and I’m already having misgivings that I think are 100% my fault. The long story medium version is that about 3 years ago I had to make a major career transition (though actually closer to what I was educated in) due to a move related to DH’s job. My first and then second (due to being recruited into a much more senior role with much higher salary) job in this new career have both had a lot of challenges, and I ended up getting laid off in not great circumstances from job #2 a few months ago.
I laid low for a while, using my severance and also doing some consulting work. I got a few informal and formal job offers as I was networking for clients and just to stay relevant, and I ended up taking a consulting job for a larger firm for a few reasons: 100% WAH + travel which appeals due to having a baby on the way, nice co-worker who brought me in, and matched my previous salary. I’m realizing, though, that after making my career transition there are aspects of the new career I really enjoy and aspects that I really don’t enjoy much. I’ve got more experience in the latter, but I was finally working my way to being almost full-time doing the former. My new job is almost 80% the latter stuff I’m good at but don’t enjoy.
Again, I know this is totally my fault, and I should have been more self-aware when exploring my options. Especially since I still had severance + consulting income. But I wasn’t, and now here I am feeling like I’ve just gone three years backward in time careerwise. Please help me have a better attitude…this is a terrible way to start a new job, especially when everyone I work with is being super nice and clearly excited to have me onboard!
MaryJane
You say you’re good at that part of your job, but don’t like it. Does that mean you are mainly bored out of your mind? If so, can you challenge yourself to master some new tricks to get even better at it?
Anonymous preggo
I do find it a bit boring, but there’s definitely a lot I could still learn to do better. I just honestly (toddler tantrum stomping foot on ground) don’t like it very much. To paint a clearer picture, early in my career I acquired a set of skills in service of a very specific goal (and I was interested in the goal). At the time, the skills had few applications. Now, though, everyone seems to want those skills in service of a really broad variety of goals (many of which I’m not interested in). I kind of blindly took this job which essentially involves farming out my skills as a consultant, but I’m sort of waking up to the fact that I’ve always been more interested in working toward specific goals instead of using these specific skills…and in the past few years I’ve had the opportunity to cultivate a lot of other skills/experience that I enjoy much more. Like, if I consider what I spend my free time reading about, it’s not my rare/in-demand skills, it’s the other stuff I’ve had an opportunity to cultivate more recently.
Anonymous
Suck it up and enjoy the stuff that benefits you right now- flexible schedule/ WAH. That’s why you took the role. If you haven’t had your kid(s?) yet, hang in there until you do and you will thank your former self.
Anonymous preggo
Well, I should be clear that these are nice perks but not the only reason I took the job. This is #2, and I’ve done a flexible WOH job as well as a fairly inflexible/long commute WOH job, so I know both are manageable even with a kid (I know two will be harder).
I know I should just suck it up, but I’m feeling really low about the whole thing…not excited about having a new job at all which is really not what I’m looking for. I want to have a fulfilling career, but strictly speaking I don’t need to work due to DH’s income. I just know I’d never be happy as a SAHM.
Between shoe sizes
I think my feet are between shoe sizes. Most of my pumps wind up fitting with largish gap at the back of my heel after breaking in. But the half size smaller always feels too tight when I try it on. Recently I ordered two sizes of a pump with reviews on zappos that it ran large. The size I usually buy is clearly too big. The half size smaller feels a bit tight. Should I try to stretch the leather in the smaller shoe? Go to a cobbler to stretch it? Return it and start over?
For reference, the shoe in question is the rockport total motion pointy toe 75mm.
Aurora
My feet are also slightly different sizes and my cobbler recommended buying the larger size and using ball-of-foot inserts in the too-big shoe to fix the heel gap. It’s done wonders for me – instead of using the heel pads that squish your toes forwards even further into the pointed toe, the front inserts move your foot backwards, so your heel is where it belongs and your toes are comfortable at the widest point of the shoe. The smaller pads, like foot petals, don’t work for this, but I’ve generally had good luck finding the larger ones (they look like the front half of a Dr. Scholls insert) at various Targets and drugstores, and they’ve really helped.
NYC tech
Is it possible that your heels are narrow and a narrow shoe might fit better? If I recall correctly, Rockport is one of the few brands that actually make narrow sizes, so maybe that’s worth a shot.
Snick
Have you tried wide sizes? I have a similar problem. I’m 8.5 medium but my toes don’t taper much. Depending on the shoe, I get the best fit either from an 8.5 wide (with heel grippers) or a 9 regular.
Hollis
Same problem here. I bought some heel grips from the world’s largest retailer that are made out of suede and they work. I tried paying a cobbler to stretch shoes but that never worked for me – not all leather stretches and it was just a waste of money to feel no difference.
waffles
I have those exact shoes in my zappos shopping basket right now! I was looking for a pair of wide-width shoes because my toes get very pinched in normal shoes, and I realized I might need to look at wider styles.
How do you like the shoes? Are they overall comfortable and well-made? Thanks!
one of us!
This is spooky, I just ordered a pair this morning after contemplating for a few weeks! I ordered my normal size (5.5….) so we’ll see how they do.
waffles
Thanks! I would love your feedback once you get them, if you don’t mind!
Jen
Those shoes are my go-tos, but I note that they run VERY big in length. I am normally a 7W or 7.5W, and in that particular shoe I always order the 6.5W and STILL have room to also ad an insert for extra comfort. They stretch very easily, so I’d say keep the smaller size or go for the small size but in a wide.
waffles
Thanks!! They look really great online. If I normally wear a 6.5 regular width (but they are pinchy in the toes), would a 6W probably be my best bet?
Or if they stretch really easily, maybe even the 6W?
Jen
Yes, I’d say go for the 6W.
Anonattorney
Bernie Bros and left-wing sexism for the Hillary campaign. A thing? Curious about everyone’s thoughts on the topic.
Anon
It’s not worth my bandwidth to care about, frankly.
Staunch feminist. Lifelong democrat. Bernie supporter, but I’ll ultimately vote for whomever gets the nomination (although if it is Hillary, I’ll be a sad panda, because I would really have liked to save my first female vote for a woman I actually really like as a candidate, such as Kirsten Gillebrand).
Wild Chicken
Yes. Love her.
Anonymous
A thing but not the only thing. I’m a huge Hillary supporter. I absolutely think some of the criticism she faces is sexist, and some of Bernie’s loud supporters in particular are sexist. But certainly not all of them.
Anon
Absolutely a strong basis for Sanders gaining support. The problem of left wing sexism really makes me sad.
Anonattorney
I think so too. I have so many liberal friends–mostly male–who are so pro-Bernie, and start spouting this anti-Hillary rhetoric. But when I push back on them to explain exactly WHY they are anti-HRC, they can’t really give me anything. One told me he just can’t support a politician who voted for the Iraq war. Or she’s “disingenuous.” Or she’s “establishment.” But what do these things actually mean?? I feel like they’re just double-speak for deep-seated sexism, which these guys don’t even realize they have.
Annie
I think you’re being too sensitive. Those are fundamental issues — how likely is it that the president will take us into war? Is someone just telling us what we want to hear to get elected, or will they actually follow through? Is the candidate going to be taking care of her friends in Washington?
It is not okay to throw around accusations of sexism so freely. It is not fair.
Anonymous
someone calling out sexism being called ‘too sensitive’? how novel of you
Lyssa
Tribalism in politics really bothers me in general. You can’t just like one person, you have to actively hate everything about their opponent or vice versa. I guess it appeals to our brains in some way, but it is just so simple-minded.
Anonymous
Definitely. Not even a big Hillary fan, but am totally shocked by the $exism and vitriol that’s coming her way from the left.
(Also do not believe for a millisecond that Bernie could win a general election in the US, but that’s a separate issue. Polls may show him doing better but that’s because everyone knows who Hillary is – and many dislike her – but many have never heard of Bernie so they’re like “sure, this unknown democrat who is not Hillary sounds good.” When people realize who he is and the GOP starts attacking him, he will be destroyed. Rubio would probably win 80% of the popular vote, and I believe even Cruz or Trump could beat him.)
Anonymous
Actually, in a recent poll, between Trump and Sanders — Sanders wins by a large margin. But I think you’re right about Rubio v. Sanders.
KateMiddletown
Did said poll include Bloomberg?
Emmer
Sanders is ahead of Hillary in a lot of general-election hypothetical polls because a lot of disengaged independents and even Republicans don’t really know who he is or what his politics are – they just know that they don’t like Trump and kind of don’t like Hillary. However, they would be very unlikely to vote for Sanders because he is way more liberal than these voters tend to be. FiveThirtyEight had a really good bit about this on their podcast – I’ll see if I can dig up an article with the same info.
Anonymous
But that’s my point – I don’t think the general election polls are accurate because Bernie is so unknown and hasn’t been subject to the years of GOP attacks that Hillary has. As soon as the GOP attacks begin, which they will if he’s the nominee, I think things will quickly swing in the other direction. I identify as liberal and would certainly vote for Hillary over any Republican running, even the more moderate ones who don’t stand a chance of winning the nomination (like Kasich), but I would seriously think twice about voting for a self-described socialist and I think there are a lot of moderates and independents in the same boat.
Emmer
I misread, sorry! Yes, I 100% agree.
Anonymous
Emmer, my comment was directed to the Anon at 2:55 who said Sanders beats Trump in the polls. Not at you!
Anon
I shudder at the possibility of a Trump vs Sanders general election. Or Cruz vs Sanders. I would probably vote for HRC over any Republican candidate, and probably for a moderate Republican over Sanders, but I’d do a lot of soul-searching over bigot blowhard vs socialist or evangelical obstructionist vs socialist.
Anonymous
He is not a self described socialist. He is a social democrat. Learn about the candidates and their views before you vote, please.
Anonymous
Anon at 6:18, actually you are the one who doesn’t know what you’re voting for. He uses that term regularly, unless you are saying Time and many other mainstream news sources are all misreporting:
http://time.com/4121126/bernie-sanders-democratic-socialism/
And from his wikipedia page, with cites to the Boston Globe, a very liberal paper: During his years as mayor, Sanders called himself a socialist and was so described in the press.[71][72]
Anonymous
Nope, anonymous at 6:31, you are wrong. He’s a self described democratic socialist.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/peter-dreier/bernie-sanders-socialism-_b_7210120.html
He’s called a socialist by right wingers trying to stir up fear.
Learn your facts before you vote.
Anonymous
Even if he describes himself as a “democratic socialist,” and I’ll agree he does appear to use that modifier frequently, that is by definition a type of socialist (and is NOT the same thing as social democracy, they are distinct terms/schools of thought, though I believe they have much in common) and I still feel like “self-described socialist” is a fair description. Like I said the mainstream media, including liberal newspapers like the Boston Globe, has described him as “a socialist,” Wikipedia describes him as “the only self-described socialist to ever be elected to the United States Senate,” etc., so you’re living in la la land if you think it’s only “right wingers trying to stir up fear” that are using that description.
Anyway, I couldn’t really care less one way or another how he/others label himself. I know he’s too liberal in terms of foreign policy and the economy for me and too soft on gun control. So the label has nothing to do with how I’d vote. (And I say this as someone who considers myself a Democrat and would vote for Hillary Clinton over any Republican in the field. So I think his chances in a general election are non-existent.)
Annie
http://www.realclearpolitics.com/articles/2016/02/04/feminists_melt_down_over_unlikable_hillary_clinton_129550.html
I don’t know much about the Bernie bros, though I suspect it’s more of a fringe thing and not really representative of what most Bernie supporters are about. But the above article was interesting and IMHO makes some great points about some recent commentary.
Anon
As a moderate left leaner, the important thing to me in this particular election is not to vote in any of the current republican front-runners. They scare the cr*p out of me, particularly with regard to Supreme Court nominations.
At the end of the day, in November only the votes of the “undecided” voters matter. Is an undecided voter going to vote for an old man who calls himself a socialist? Or are they going to vote for a woman they think is a b*tch? Both of these things make me nervous.
The fact that the b*tch label is coming from WITHIN the left wing drives me insane.
Anonymous
Agreed. I’m sad about the options this year. Neither Bernie or Hillary exists me, and both have major problems for a general. With this years republican candidates, I feel like the right candidate could have had an easy time. Instead, I’m scared about the outcome
Anonymous
I am still SO SAD about Biden not running.
Anonymous
I am so unenthusiastic about any candidate in this race. Is this really the best we as a country could come up with?
Carrots
Exactly! I know it’s totally the wrong reaction, but I just can’t get excited for any candidate right now to fight for. I have my doubts about both HRC and Sanders and the idea of anyone who placed in the top three in Iowa being voted President makes me start looking for jobs in Canada. But I know I have to, at some point, get my act together and figure out who I’m going to vote for (though I live in PA and we have a late primary…though it may be that we actually see some action this year.)
Canadian...
Carrots, Canadian politics are even more socialist than Sanders, you know that right? Very heavy gun control, subsidized or free university (depending on the province), gay marriage has been legal for like 20 years, universal health care, lots of immigration, a much higher minimum wage, ect. It was quite a kick for us when after the US legalized gay marriage conservatives said they would “move to Canada” oh how disappointed they would be.
Anonymous
To be fair, Carrots didn’t say Sanders was too liberal for her. Maybe he’s not liberal enough, or she dislikes him for other reasons. But I agree with you that Republicans saying “I’m going to move to Canada if [gay marriage passes/Obama gets elected/gun control is enacted/etc]” is hilarious.
Anonymous
Yes. A former civil rights lawyer turned Senstor turned Secretary of State is, in fact, the best we can do. Gosh I hate having to vote for an extraordinarily smart, experienced, prepared candidate.
Tell me more about how sexism isn’t a factor in this race.
KittyKat
Not American. While I love the idea of a female world leader she has bad ideologies. She only recently became pro gay marriage (where as Bernie always was). She voted yes on 4 wars he voted no on. She is also in favor of that horrendous oil pipe and invests funds in super pacts. Unfortunately Americans would never actually elect someone who has *gasp* socialist ideologies like the rest of the first world
Anonymous
I have to say that the criticism that she only recently became pro-gay marriage really bothers me. The same thing was thrown around about Obama, so I’m not claiming $exism or anything, but I don’t understand why a politician changing their views and becoming more progressive and accepting, much like the rest of the country has, is so terrible. Congrats to Bernie for being a saint since the day he was born, I guess. I (and many of my liberal friends) are much more like Hillary in that we have become more tolerant and accepting as we grew up and broadened our horizons, and as we witnessed the world change around us (gay characters became way more common on TV, for example).
Spirograph
Yes. I will admit to being very closed-minded when I was younger. Then I moved away from home, became friends with people who have different backgrounds and lifestyle choices, and realized they’re not scary and they deserve to be treated fairly. “Difference” has gone a lot more mainstream over the same period. I would never judge someone for adapting with the times/their experience, only for failure to adapt.
I like that HRC is a pragmatist. That might be points against her in some books, but I appreciate that she weighs her ideals against what is likely/possible before making public declarations. I kind of think that it is a politician’s job to represent his/her constituency, not pull it along toward his/her own beliefs.
Anonattorney
Also, “invests in super pacts” is not a thing. Accepts money from super PACs – yes – but again, I don’t know why this is per se a bad thing. I think this just confirms my fear that everyone grabs onto phrases they are told are bad, without taking the time to understand what those things actually mean, or assess whether those things are actually bad.
KittyKat
*investments from* what I meant, the point was her monetary support comes from corporations and special interests while his comes more so from individual donors
Anonattorney
But accepting money from corporations (especially left-leaning corporations that are donating money to democratic candidates) and special interests is not per se a bad thing! I will try to avoid the “corporations are people” thing because, they aren’t. BUT special interest groups actually are. They are made up of people who agree to join together and pool their resources to create a force strong enough to effect change. NAACP? Special interest group. Unions? Special interest groups. Sierra Club? Those groups are effective, because they are able to invest much more time in understanding complex issues and advocating for a complex agenda. Individuals just can’t do that at the same level.
Little Red
No such thing as a left-leaning corporation especially ones rich enough to set up a super PAC. They do it to buy access to politicians since our Supreme Court has declared that money is speech and that corporations have the same free speech rights as natural people. They only thing they are trying to understand is how to buy legislation/policies that are favorable to their own bottom line at the expense of our common welfare. They usually end up giving to both sides because they want access to whoever ends up winning.
Anonattorney
But the assumption that the corporate bottom line is ALWAYS at the expense of our common welfare is just wrong. And there are lots of corporations that support paying their employees a living wage, maximizing job opportunities in the US, providing sufficient benefits including paid family leave, and committing to sustainability.
Anonymous
Personally, I don’t really care what politicians used to believe. I only care what they believe now, because they will be the thing that determines what policies they enact, who they appoint to the Supreme Court, etc. So when she stated supporting gay marriage matters not one iota to me, so long as she supports it now.
Anonymous
*started supporting gay marriage
Emmer
Even if Americans elected a socialist President, the President would be unable to implement any socialist programs because Congress has to pass appropriations bills. And the US Congress is not going to support socialist policies anytime soon. So basically Bernie’s socialist spending proposals are empty promises because they could never happen.
Sidenote: I think you misunderstand what Super PACs are. They are (supposedly) independent groups that invest money in running ads in favor of HER, not the other way around. But Hillary is in favor of overturning Citizens United, the Supreme Court decision that allowed Super PACs to exist in their current form in the first place. That will level the playing field for everyone.
Anonymous
This. A big part of why I support Hillary is that I think she would be way more effective at working with a Republican Congress than Bernie would be.
Sydney Bristow
My gut instinct is the opposite. I’m a bit afraid that Clinton would be a continuation of Obama only in the sense that the Republicans in Congress seem to refuse to do anything he wants solely because it is coming from him. I think that Clinton is seen as a divisive figure and that this would continue. I have a small amount of hope that Sanders would have better luck dealing with Congress because he has some serious longstanding relationships there and the feelings people have against him seem to be more about his politics than him personally. Not saying that is right or that it should be that way, but that is how I see it. I’ll happily support either one of them in the general election and haven’t 100% made up my mind yet, although I’m leaning towards Sanders.
NYNY
@Anon at 4:05pm – Given the example of the Republican Congresses for the past 4-5 years, how can you believe anyone will be effective working with them? I’m not being snarky, I am seriously asking how any reasonable leader can work with those zealots. John Boehner was to moderate for them, FFS!
I love the idea of a woman president, but Hillary leaves me cold. Like Bill, she’s a triangulator, which means she would continue to move things to the right. Instead of aiming for liberal ideals and brokering a compromise, she comes in with the compromise and can only lose additional ground. On top of that, she’s too cozy with Wall Street to do much about income inequality, and too close to Israel to be an objective peace broker in the Middle East. And she voted for the Iraq War.
Anonymous
She did a great job working with Republicans when she was in the Senate. Unlike Bernie, who can barely handle becoming a member of his own party.
Emmer
Syndey: Unfortunately, my friends who work in the Senate tell me the opposite – no one there in either party really likes him personally. I have no first-hand knowledge of that, but I have heard it from multiple people.
Sydney Bristow
Interesting. I hadn’t heard anything either way, so I was just going with my best guess there.
Little Red
I’d certainly like to believe that she would be able to work with GOP members of Congress. But this all assumes that Republicans want to accomplish anything. Given their electoral victories in the mid-term elections resulted in them gaining control of Congress, I don’t think most of them will think there is any incentive to work across the aisle and with a Democratic President. Ryan seems to have the Tea Party faction under control for now but once they go back to their districts and run for re-election, I wonder if they will continue to stay quiet.
Anonymous
Oh hey KittyKat you know Bernie is pro-gun right? Gasp!
Like, she’s an older Middle aged woman who has always been religious. And yet she still learned she was wrong on gay marriage, and has sincerely changed her beliefs and actions. I don’t care that 20 years ago she and pretty much everyone else was wrong on this.
KittyKat
I didn’t say he was perfect, just much less conservative than Clinton. He is much more in line with the leaders of the rest of the secular world, which would do a tremendous amount of good for international relations and respect from other countries.
Anonymous
Are you kidding? HRC is already friends with them. I think we are good on the global respect front. Remind me which socialist is running England nowadays? And you really think Angela Merkel isn’t going to get along with Hillary?
Anonymous
The gun thing is a big one for me. This year I pretty much want to vote for the candidate who is strongest on gun control, and that’s Clinton. If it were a Republican, I would think seriously about voting Republican. I don’t want to worry about my kids getting shot at school.
Anonymous preggo
Enjoying this discussion. I definitely think the $3x1sm against Hillary is real, though I don’t think it’s the only driver of criticism against her. I personally feel very torn about her candidacy. When I was younger (and she was FLOTUS), I thoroughly admired and looked up to her. When I hear about her politics and stances early in her career, I think I would absolutely vote for that person. But while I absolutely believe she has been subjected to some of the worst misogyny of any public figure, I still find her response to it in many ways to be fairly craven and self-serving. Maybe this is just my general attitude toward American politics, since I also thought/think Obama can also be craven and self-serving…and maybe having real conviction can’t get you elected. But I really hate what Bill Clinton’s brand of DLC “liberalism” did to the Democratic party (and progressivism in general in the US), and I don’t see any clear differentiation in HRC’s positions.
All of that said, I think she’d probably be the most competent of any of the candidates vying for nomination in either party…and I can’t really think of a Democrat I’d want to vote for more. I agree with many things Bernie Sanders says, but I also think I wouldn’t share much of his approach to foreign policy etc. I don’t know, it’s a tough call…I just can’t really find myself getting behind Bernie Sanders (maybe it’s just the old white guy thing, dunno).
Little Red
While I agree that sexism is the source of criticism against her for some people, I don’t think it’s the sole reason for everybody. I lean left so I’ll vote for her should she win the nomination. But if he’s still in the race come March 1, I’ll vote for him.
The Republicans are a non-starter for me since their social agenda is racist/sexist/homophobic/hate-filled and has nothing positive to offer our incredibly diverse country. Their financial agenda benefits only the 1% and leaves the rest of us to fend for ourselves against global forces that are impossible to fight back against as a single individual. The so-called “moderate” Republicans are only moderate in comparison to the likes of Cruz/Trump/Rubio/et al.
Hair Question
I have medium-dark brown hair with balayage that I had done last summer. Had a glaze put on in mid-November and loved it, as glazes do it fades. Now I feel like my hair is kind of brassy. Any resolution I could do at home or do I need to go in for another glaze?
NYC tech
I don’t know how similar it is to a salon glaze, but I tried John Frieda’s brunette glaze a few months ago and hated it more than any hair product I’ve ever tried. It simultaneously made my hair frizzy and limp/greasy. Just awful. Just a warning!
Anon
Totally agree. That glaze was completely awful! I was shocked that it was expensive, added no color or shine and made my hair angry. Beware!
Anonymous
Purple shampoos and conditioners work wonders in combating brassiness.
Wildkitten
Link?
Anonymous
There’s one they sell at Sally called something like Clairol shimmer lights and I used to use AG and Joico brands from Ulta, which worked nicely. The only one I would not recommend is a drugstore brand like John Frieda, because it’s weaker – probably any high end brand would be better. It works because it cancels out the yellow tones, as purple and yellow are on opposite sides of the color wheel. Toner for dying your hair platinum is usually violet, I think, for that reason. If you want to cancel orange, a bluer color is probably better. Blue malva or Joico blue.
Davines (and probably other brands) make color-depositing conditioners that are supposed to be nice, if you want to maintain a certain shade. I think they have a purple, but they also have copper, tobacco, etc tones.
Anon
+1. I’ve used the John Frieda purple shampoo available in drugstores when I’ve needed something.
Wildkitten
When I dye my hair brown it often turns reddish. Would the purple shampoo fix that too? Is that what brassy means?
Snick
Brassy is an orangey tone. So maybe.
AEK
Aveda’s blue malva shampoo.
Dahlia
Davine’s conditioner is like a super strong version of the blue conditions from aveda and other brands. My salon is an aveda salon but my hair is reddish and so my blonde dye job will start to look reddish and brassy after about a month, even if I use drugstore or the aveda blue shampoo. I use the purple davine’s condition (it is quite a rich purple) and it works wonders.
I put it on towel dry hair and then leave it one for like 15 or 20 mins (although if I haven’t done it in a long time and my colour is bothering me I will leave it on for several hours, but there is a risk of depositing too much blue if you do this.. so I would start with 15 or 20 mins) and then rinse it out. You have to either shampoo again after or be careful not to it right on your scalp as it will leave your scalp a bit bluish at the part, but this shampoos right off.
For me, it works 10x better than any of the other options I’ve tried. It is a bit pricy for conditioner but I only use a little and its worth it to me to save a monthly trip to the salon for toning!
Tigermom
Aveda makes a good one for brassy tones. My hair is brown and I get the Black Malva line. The Blonde version is Blue Malva.
Anonymous
Sort of an odd question, but… I’m curious to know how many people here stil use cursive when they write.
I grew up being expected to use cursive, in a culture where printing is for little kids and having good handwriting is an indicator of intelligence/competence. This morning one of my professors referred to cursive writing as a ‘historical artifact,’ and several of my classmates admitted to not being able to read it easily. Which I was really surprised by, hence my question, because I’m twenty-seven and I learned cursive in school!
Anonymous
What culture is that?
I’m 32, no one I know my age uses cursive, but I can still read it when I need to.
purplesneakers
I’m from India, and I went to a private religious school that was pretty strict about these things. To this day I use a fountain pen because that’s what I learned with.
ezt
I’m 33 and I use cursive! Same as purplesneakers, convent school in India as a kid. I did relinquish the fountain pen though. I don’t even understand how people can write fast enough to take notes if they’re not using cursive.
Anon
Absolutely concur with everything you said about yourself. Have you heard that they’re not even teaching cursive anymore in schools?! How are kids supposed to sign their name? I suppose they’ll just print everything. Legal forms can stop saying “print and sign” because no one will know how to sign!
KateMiddletown
So many adults I work with have no clue how to write cursive, moreso because we hardly handwrite anything. I love the look of sexy architecture school lettering more than cursive. And I love practicing my own penmanship, but I may need a hobby.
Anonymous
Ha, I get this. I was with a male friend I find very attractive a few weeks back, and seeing him jot something on a pad of paper unexpectedly hit me as really sexy for some reason. Seems very personal? I realized how infrequently I see people’s handwriting and this part of their personality.
Tigermom
+100 especially when a man has elegant cursive instead of ALLCAPS.
Jules
An old boyfriend who I was crazy about — alas, ultimately the feeling wasn’t mutual — had been an architecture student and I loved his handwriting. To this day (a really long time later), that “sexy architecture school lettering” still makes me just a little bit swoony.
Anon
Ha! Your post reminded me of my own former flame/fling. He was a bad fit in every way except for his extreme se x iness. He was an ad exec and had a way with words, and also had the best masculine but se x y as hell handwriting I’ve ever see.
He gifted me a book once and wrote something cryptic inside the cover that only he and I would understand. I still have the book in my office and occasionally peek inside and get all swoony.
Don’t tell my husband! He benefits from this, if you know what I mean, but he doesn’t need to know why. :)
Anon
My 13 and 14 year old kids can barely read anything their grandmother writes. She has excellent penmanship, even won medals for it back in the day. But it’s cursive.
My own writing is now sort of a blend between cursive and printing. Mostly I write in the fastest way possible. Most people can read my writing.
Cat
I learned it in school (I’m 32) but typically use a hybrid of printing and cursive when I handwrite (which is rather often — I prefer pen and paper in meetings). I suppose I could write in 3rd grade cursive if forced to, but it doesn’t really match my personality and my hybrid is faster. I’m frequently complimented on my handwriting, perhaps because it’s feminine but not “bubbly girly” and not messy?
Spirograph
Bubbly girl handwriting is the worst. I try not to, but I can’t help being a little judgey about it. One of my coworkers dots her I’s with little circles or hearts. Just no.
CountC
I’m 35 and this is me.
purplesneakers
oops, forgot to log in.
Carrots
27 here too – sometimes I have difficulty reading cursive, but I think that is dependent on the person’s handwriting and then its usually only a few letters. When I’m writing my own notes or something that I won’t have to quickly scan, I use a hybrid cursive/printing.
lost academic
I wish I did. I read a couple studies (sorry, can’t recall them, it’s been too long) that demonstrated that cursive writing is much faster and less fatiguing. I certainly recall much less handwriting fatigue when I was younger and taking notes in cursive pretty much all the time. When we were allowed in school to print again, we relished it – but trying to write in cursive again is hard! The hand memory isn’t there. It’s a real shame. (I am 34.)
KittyKat
I use cursive and I’m in my twenties too. What I’ve found is people around me will step up their game and start using cursive too. It’s nice looking at the office log books and seeing all the pretty writing.
Gail the Goldfish
I take notes mainly in cursive (i randomly switch between cursive and print sometimes) because it’s faster for me to write in cursive. I’m 30. Other people sometimes have trouble reading it, but I think that’s more that I have messy handwriting (It’s not easy to read my print, either).
Anonymous
Sometimes I print and sometimes I write in cursive. I’m kind of baffled by people who can’t read cursive. All the letters look pretty much the same, just joined together. Just decide which print letter it looks closest to and go with that and if it doesn’t make sense, pick the letter that does…
Clementine
I always use cursive. It’s faster and reads as more ‘adult’ to me. I went to a catholic elementary school where we were required to use cursive always.
For age perspective, I had Facebook freshman year of college.
nutella
same and same!
Pretty Primadonna
I use cursive writing almost exclusively. Since third grade, ha.
Spirograph
I’m 32 and write in cursive probably 80% of the time. Not perfect 3rd grade cursive, but most letters are connected. I get incredulous comments about it from the younger folks at work and it makes me sad.
Anon
I’m 32, learned cursive in school and do a kind of hybrid cursive/print when I write. I take most notes by hand so I write often. I can read cursive just fine as well and get a lot of handwritten notes from clients written in cursive.
Anonymous
I write in a mix of print and cursive. I am 31, went to private elementary school that mandated cursive until I left for public school in the 6th grade. My note-taking is “whatever is fastest” which is often a print/cursive hybrid with arrows and drawings. If I write on the white board, I print.
Our school district no longer teaches cursive and my husband is already planning to teach the kids at home :)
Two Cents
I’m 36 and I hate. hate. hate cursive. I learned it in school but stopped using it as soon as I could. I find print so much more readable and pretty. Cursive hurts my eyes.
printer
Learned cursive in school and stopped writing in it as soon as they let me. I write in a print hybrid with a few letters that loop together. My dad writes the same way so maybe that is where I picked it up. We had to handwrite (not print) something for the bar application or exam and it was miserable.
Of course, I also told my teacher in the first grade that we didn’t need to worry about writing bc we’d be doing everything on the computer in the future. She didn’t find it funny. This was in the mid 80s.
Sydney Bristow
I’m 32 and learned cursive in school but I can’t remember how to do it. I remember some letters but not all. I often get compliments on my very neat printing through so I don’t think it matters.
Anon
My son is learning cursive in school (elementary aged) as a way to help with a learning disability related to his writing. It is absolutely amazing how absolutely painful it is for him to print, but his cursive looks masterful and isn’t nearly as difficult for him.
Maddie Ross
Mid-30s. I write solely in cursive. I can print in caps, but I honestly cannot write sentences with lower case printed letters (I mean, I can, I know how, but it hurts my hand and takes too long). I do all forms in all caps, but otherwise everything is in cursive – lists, notes, my planner, etc. It blows my mind that cursive is no longer taught.
Anonymous
Indian here, I was taught cursive and write that way to this day. I have taught my son that too and his teacher says he has the best writing in his class (outside India now).
APC
So – I’ve been with my new company for about 5 months now. It’s definitely getting better in terms of work but I don’t think it is the dream job I thought it would be. I moved far away from family and friends for this job, which is something I was willing to do for the opportunity, but I always knew I wanted to go back home some day. Of course now that I have this kernel of name recognition and experience on my resume, I’m being approached for some great jobs back home. My question is – how long should I be at my current job? There are so many considerations – I want to do a good job here and leave my bosses feeling good about my time here (however long that winds up being). I also want to have kids (relatively) soon but want to do that back near family and friends. DH isn’t loving it out here either. I think if I could put in a good 12-18 months that would seem solid to current job, but (a) that would take me up to when I want to TTC, and depending on how that goes, might make job hunting difficult, (b) jobs that are open now might not be open in another 6-12 months. I have no idea what to do – or how to respond to some of these inquiries about openings (“thanks, can you hang on to that spot for another year for me?” doesn’t seem realistic). Help?
HSAL
Would this be the only short-term gig on your resume? If you’ve had a bunch of short 1-2 year jobs, I think you should stick around to the 2 year mark, but if this would be the only brief job? Move back home.
hoola hoopa
Always apply to a position that is of interest to you, particularly if you are being approached for it!
Generally speaking, it’s nice to have 12-18 months on your resume so that it doesn’t look like it didn’t go well or that you are a flaky employee who will constantly hopscotch, but that’s not much of a concern if you have an otherwise solid work history. From a skill building stand point, you’ll learn more the longer you are there. BUT, it doesn’t sound like either factor is an issue if you are being approached for jobs you’d rather have – so go for it.
Never base these decisions on what’s best for your employer. Ultimately, they’ll do what’s best for them; do what’s best for you.
Anon
I would try to stick it out for a year, but if you can get a good job now, I wouldn’t rule it out. Usually the purpose of staying is so you don’t look like a job-hopper to your next employer, but if you are getting offers now, it probably isn’t a deal breaker for them. My last job was with a cushy law firm that carried a lot of name recognition in my area. I stayed for 15 months (and HATED it), and I’m pretty sure it is why I got my current position and salary. I think the damage occurs when you have several, short stints in a row at employers. It isn’t as much of an issue if you have one, short stint at an employer, in the middle of an otherwise acceptable resume.
KateMiddletown
Clothes question – I have a large chest and a small-ish waist and I like full-ish A-line skirts. I hate button downs (see: large chest), so lately I’ve been doing the J Crew Tippi with my skirts, or a Limited Ashton button down in a pinch. What kinds of tops/combos work best on a large chest with an A-line skirt for work? Especially looking for blazer/jacket combos.
Anon
The important thing will be to always show your waist. You can wear short or longer toppers as long as they nip in at the waist. Wrap styles are particularly flattering on an hourglass like you, though you will probably need a cami under.
Anon
I just can’t with work today. Yes, things are late. Yes, it is frustrating for you but it is also frustrating for me that I have to spend increasing amounts of time every day continuing to explain why they are late, which is not helping me finish things any faster.
SA
Yep. I had a ream of contracts to read a few days ago. Still have to read the same amount, I’ve just pushed them around my desk for awhile.
Senior Attorney
Dude. You need to stay late tonight and get it done. Do not blame the people who are asking for the things you owe them!
Seeking anecdata, support, something?
I posted this follow up to my original post in the morning thread, but given the late time I thought I’d post here as well –
I’ve had a full day of meetings and just now got back here to look at replies – Thank you all so much! I’m sorry to hear that so many others feel the same way, but am very encouraged to hear that so many have found a physical reason for not feeling like themselves. I especially appreciate the poster who mentioned just printing this out and taking it to the doctor, as I am likely to be the person who would get in the office and then downplay how bad I’ve been feeling. I’m off to call my doctor and set up an appointment now.
Hollis
I didn’t write in, but I’ve had times in my life (which sounds a lot like your by the way) and did something to get out of my rut and these things have been good fixes: reconfigured my office, started yoga, gotten a really different type of haircut, changed my commute so I walk more, and set rewards for myself for getting things done. People are complicated and sometimes a small change can make all the difference.
Hollis
Oh and when I say I reconfigured my office, I bought a beautiful (but inexpensive) painting to hang in my office and a large plant and they make me happier to be in my office all day and somehow less lonely. But yes, check with your doctor.
Mermaid
I’m very familiar with this! Don’t rule out the possibility of a medical issue. Thyroid imbalance or adrenal fatigue could be to blame. Also, believe it or not, sleep apnea often manifests itself in women as brain fog, fatigue, and a feeling of being overwhelmed.
Coach Laura
Sounds like a good plan!
Excited Aunt
It’s a girl! Yay! Cupcakes for everyone. Three cheers for chubby babies.
SA
Congratulations!
Cream Tea
Congratulations!!!
Godzilla
RAWR!
Spirograph
Congrats! I hope you get to visit them soon!
Anonymous
I just ate a cupcake for another expectant mom in our office!
Anon
Aww, congratulations Auntie!
Are you a first time aunt? You are going to have so much fun!!
Cute baby snuggles? Check! Messy diaper? Hand baby back to mom or dad! It’s a win-win.
Senior Attorney
Yay! Congratulations!
cbackson
YAY FOR BABY FEET!
Anonymous
and baby smell!!
Real Talk
Advice requested.
Background:
I work in a government agency. A few years ago, a salary study was performed to prove employees were overpaid and to justify lack of merit increases. I was identified as one of the employees that is severely underpaid compared to others at my level. They mentioned that they were going to bump up my pay by $8k. This was over 2 years ago.
Fast forward two years, my salary hasn’t been readjusted and I haven’t been promoted. I actually do love my job and understand my bosses don’t care enough about me to fight The Bureaucracy for promotions but I have awesome assignments and underlings and high visibility and all that jazz. My ego is soothed by my actual power.
Problem:
I want more money. I deserve more money. This lack of salary is being compounded. I need a script to approach my boss to convince him to battle HR for me. How to do.
Thank you.
Jen
I guess I do not understand why you have waited so long to bring this up. Did you have previous conversations with higher ups about this, and were you rebuffed? If so, that will obviously affect your script. However, if you have not brought it up, I think it doesn’t need to be more difficult than to go in and say that you were told your salary would be bumped, it has not been done, your role is X and you contribute in XYZ fashion, and you believe that it is past time for the salary to be raised. Ask what the barriers are and if there is a timeframe within which it will be done. Since you’re in government, it may be more difficult to do than otherwise, but if you were told your salary would be raised, it should have been raised, and you should be on top of ensuring that happens.
Anonymous
+1. You waited two years? Maybe this is a government thing, but if they promised you the increase immediately and didn’t deliver (which is how I read your comment), I would not have waited more than a few weeks to bring this up.
anon a mouse
This will 100% depend on your agency. I am assuming you are federal, if not the lingo might change.
You can ask for a desk audit to compare your work to that of your peers. You can also ask for your boss to request a salary calibration to make a case for your salary bump (though it sounds like this is what happened 2 years ago).
Ultimately, though, I think you just have to be a gadfly to your bosses – especially since, as you point out, the disparity is worsening with time. Boss, you promised me this 2 years ago, what gives? What is the next step? Who do you have to email? Can I email them for you? Go one, two, even three steps up from your boss to see if you can get action.
And, if they still give you nothing, you have to decide at what point you’re willing to leave.
anon a mouse
Follow-up to my comment: I was you 6 years ago. I was promised a promotion to a supervisory role commensurate with a hefty pay bump. I waited six months for the new fiscal year to start, when funds supposedly would become available. Nothing happened. I asked about the new position description. It was “on hold.” Three months later, same answer. No good reason.
So I left a job I liked a lot, for one that turned out to have a lot better opportunity and a manager who aggressively recognizes and compensates high performers (as much as can be done as a fed). I think I’d still be waiting at my old agency.
Killer Kitten Heels
Get thee to Ask A Manager – if you have time, I’d suggest submitting this to Alison, but if you’re under time pressure, you could also just post tomorrow in the open thread. There are a ton of government employees in her commentariat, and I suspect they’d have both really good advice and personal anecdotes for you on this topic.
Mke Atty
Hello ladies,
I am a daily lurker, first time poster. I am looking for insight on an issue I am having with my BF.
BF and I have been dating since August of 2014. He has his own place and I have mine. We would spend nights together at both our places every night…whether it was his place or mine depended somewhat on our work schedules.
Recently, BF’s brother and brother’s girlfriend moved in to BF’s house. (I have concerns with this arrangement due to brother’s current situation). BF’s house is not very big and although brother and girlfriend indicated that they would stay in the larger upstairs to give me and BF privacy, this has not happened and brother and girlfriend are all over the house, giving us no privacy if we are there. BF also feels the need to invite his brother and brother’s girlfriend along to anything we do, including meals at restaurants, movies, etc.
I am somewhat upset by the change in our lifestyle, but understand that blood is blood and BF’s loyalty is to family. So I spend most of my time at my place alone and occasionally BF comes down to my place. BF is upset that I am not spending time with him at his place, but I don’t want to constantly be with brother and brother’s girlfriend. The only way I can do this is to keep my distance. Am I being unreasonable in not wanting to be at BF’s house under the circumstances?
Anonymous
Why do you dislike the brother and girlfriend? I think you need to compromise and spend some time with them, unless there is a solid reason (like he is abusive toward you) why you shouldn’t. One night a week where you all hang out isn’t going to kill you and if you are serious about him, you need to get along with his family. Also, your BF needs to stop inviting them to everything you do because that sounds pretty annoying. You guys need to have a chat.
Anonymous
I’m an introvert, so I can empathize, but I think you are being unreasonable. Your BF is in a tough situation (he’s not going to turn them out), and it seems like the time to be accommodating and supportive rather than take a stand and die on this hill. Maybe you cut back somewhat on the number of nights you’re there, but not just to make a point. If you foresee a future with this guy, you probably don’t want to be standoffish to the brother and girlfriend (unless they’re jerks or something).
Monte
I get it, I would be miserable under those circumstances. But I would either compromise or get out of the relationship. Your boyfriend likely not only feels a sense of duty to his brother, but he may genuinely like spending all that time with brother and the GF. I have friends who like nothing more than to have to whole family in the same house together all the time, which is this introvert’s nightmare. So even if you aren’t being unreasonable per se, you have to take your boyfriend’s perfectly legitimate feelings into account. He loves his brother, he wants you to all get along and hang out. You need something that works for both of you — not living at his place, but not completely avoiding it either.
Anonymous
I’m not sure what “brother’s current circumstances” refers to and my reply would depend upon what that means. I think your choices could be completely reasonable, unreasonable or somewhere in the middle, depending.
Your BF sounds like a very loyal person – I mean – they “agreed” to stay in the larger upstairs of your BF’s house to give you privacy?
It sounds like a complicated situation but I don’t think I have sufficient facts to advise you – sorry.