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Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Spacedye Flippy Dress

Spacedye Dress: Loft Spacedye Flippy DressOur daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This highly-reviewed, flippy dress is on a killer sale at Loft. I like the sleeves, the non-exposed zipper in the back, and the fact that the whole thing is machine washable. It was $79, but comes down to $26 (40% 0ff!) when you add it to your cart (final sale only, alas). The dress is available in regular, petite, and tall sizes. Loft Spacedye Flippy Dress Psst: also in this price range is this nice-looking sheath dress — if you really, really like pink. Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-3)

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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265 Comments

  1. Growing up my parents and I very rarely went on overnight vacations. Now that I’m in my early 30s, we’ve established a tradition of going somewhere every Memorial Day weekend. This is extremely important to me.

    Now, if you were a good friend (not best friend but a very close friend), and you are having your wedding on Memorial Day weekend across the country, would you understand if I choose to spend it with family vs attending?

    1. Honestly? I’d be kind of hurt. Is there any chance you could combine the two? Attend the wedding but spend the rest of the weekend with your parents at the location where the wedding is occurring?

      1. I’ve considered that option. Unfortunately it’s not logistically feasible. We are all 10 hours of travel plus a layover from the wedding destination, and it’s not held in a place particularly vacation-y.

        I know my parents will understand if I went to the wedding instead. But I imagine making that choice and I think I’d regret not grabbing any time I have to relax and connect with them, especially mom.

        1. Can you vacation with your parents on a different 3-day weekend? 4th of July or take a day off from work to make your own 3-day weekend?

        2. I would not expect anyone who had to travel 10 hours to come to my wedding. Even 2 hours is pushing it, considering that most weddings in my area go well into the night.

      2. I would definitely understand, and be hurt and take it as an indication of how you valued my friendship. I have friends that I value as much as my family and friends I value less, and I think that’s okay, but I would obviously be bummed to learn that I was in the latter category rather than the former. I got married on (Canadian) Thanksgiving weekend and no one we invited missed our wedding to have Thanksgiving dinner with their family, but it was a small wedding so my husband and I were really only inviting people who were very special to us and were happy to share that milestone with us and get back to family Thanksgiving dinner the next year.

        1. So you weren’t inviting mere friends though. If it were a wedding large enough where good cross country friends made the list, would you have expected them?

          I have no idea if Canadian Thanksgiving is what US Thanksgiving is, but my people excuse anything that’s more than a 2-hour car trip. It is awful if you are anywhere along I-95.

          1. Well, we invited a combination of friends and family (about 110) and the only people that didn’t come were some family and friends who live in my home country on another continent. Some of the people who did attend travelled from my home country and from the UK, the US and other Canadian provinces.

            I wouldn’t say I “expected” people to come, but I hoped they would.

          2. I am in Canada (Vancouver) and we celebrate Thankgiving on the 2nd Monday in October 6 weeks earlier than in the US which is the 3rd Thursday in November.

    2. Yes, because I have a family of my own, my obligations to which trump those to my friends. But not all brides are this rational. I feel like holiday weekend weddings, while they give people a chance to travel without needing an extra day off work, always run the risk of butting up against standing holiday traditions. You don’t get to be upset about that.

      (So disappointed that my autocorrect tried to capitalize trump for me…)

      1. We all have families, no? With my grade-school children, I see them every day. But I won’t when they are older. That time to me would be precious. Family should matter more, if not equally, when the family is ancestors and not descendants. I hope that the bride gets that.

        1. That’s exactly what I mean. I would never miss out on special time with my parents for my friends. statistically speaking, my parents have a lot fewer years left than friends of my own generation, and I would regret missed opportunities with them so, so much more.

          1. I agree – I would weigh how much I love the friend and compare it to how much I care about my folks – there’s only a coupon of friends who would make the cut to skip the annual family tradition, but that’s ok because in that case for me my family would be happy to come with and I’d be happy to have them there

      2. I 100% agree with this, though recognize a lot of brides don’t feel this way. For me, family comes first.

    3. Meh. I got married on a non-holiday weekend and didn’t expect my friends from across the country to show up. A few did and that was absolutely amazing and awesome.

      I’d just say, ‘So sorry, can’t make it,’ and send a nice gift.

      The only person I would have been truly heartbroken if they hadn’t shown up is my sister (who most definitely was in attendance).

      1. +1000. I’ve had to do this, and it went over well. I sent a nice gift and a card, and I made sure to email about a week in advance to wish her luck. She could see I remembered when her special day was, and I was able to be present at my brand new job during a critical time. It helped that we had seen each other about six months prior. Do you have the ability to go visit sometime after the wedding?

      2. This. So normal, for everyone (bride, guest, family). Why add more to it than what’s there?
        A person can or can’t make it, is all.

    4. I think that if you have your wedding on a holiday weekend, you can expect that it will increase the # of some non-local guests who have more time to travel, decrease some # of non-local guests who just find travel on holiday weekends to be nightmarish depending on route of travel / method of travel, and decrease some who find other claims on their time.

      It’s a close friend. Not a BFF. And even if it were a BFF, I think she’s be disappointed but ultimately understand. And it’s across the country — that’s pretty miserable on a three-day weekend if you have any sort of flight drama.

    5. Yay! Fruegel Friday’s! I love Fruegel Friday’s and this $26 flippey dress! What a great price–I hope it is avaiable in Size 2 for me!!!! What a great find, Kat and Kate!

      As for the OP, weddings are very important but family is even more important. Grandma Leyeh said that me getting MARRIED is what she is holding on for, but I told her I will ALWAYS be there for her, MARRIED or NOT. She agreed. In your case, your family should come first, b/c they will NOT be there as long as your freind. You can alway’s celabrate HER weddeing privateley–it is NOT as if you are the Maid of Honor. When I was in college, I was asked to be the maid of honor for my freind, but that required me doeing alot, and it also came with me haveing to cozy up to the Groom’s Best Man, who was smelley and gross. I told my freind that I could NOT be the maid of Honor b/c I had to do something with My family. YOU SHOULD DO THE SAME NOW, so that your freind will understand.

      I just got in to work, with my leg’s all wet, but at least my feet are dry thank’s to my TIMBERLANDs! YAY Timberland’s and my fitbit, b/c I was watcheing the Madoff movie last night while on my ELLYPTICAL, and it is nicer then the TV in my bedroom. Dad says that I should therefore be spendeing more time in my office excerciseing in there rather than in the kitchen eateing. FOOEY on dad, b/c he KNOWS I am walkeing 10,000 steps a day anyway, but I will spend more time workeing out in there as well as working on my macbook air from home.

      This weekend, Myrna’s freind’s freind is comeing over and takeing me out to the Deli for dinner! I am goeing just with him, not with Myrna and Myrna’s freind, so I will give the guy a chance. Hopefully, he will keep his hands away from my tuchus. I will wear casueal clotheing and a Danskin for my OWN protection in case he gets stray (grabbey) hand’s if he come’s back to my apartement. I do listen to the HIVE and Grandma Leyeh on this but do NOT want to get Zika Virus from him or anyone else. FOOEY!

    6. Yes, and query whether this person is a good friend if they don’t understand that you prioritize your family over friendships.

    7. I agree with the comments that if you have your wedding on a holiday weekend, this happens. Also, technically you already had plans. You know your friend better than internet strangers do, but I don’t see why you can’t say ‘I’m so sorry, I can’t come, I’m already going to be on vacation with my family that weekend’. Just because it isn’t booked doesn’t mean there isn’t a pre-existing plan.

      10+ hours on a plane to go to a wedding is pretty far anyway, especially painful on a holiday weekend, so most people probably wouldn’t expect someone to make that journey anyway though of course would love it if you did.

      1. I wish I could say the logistics of traveling to the wedding do not matter at all in my consideration. But given limited time and resources… That’d be untrue. :(

      2. Agree. You simply regretfully decline, using this script. You don’t need to justify or further explain — your friend will (or should) understand the role family plays in your life.

        I’m shocked at the number of people that think the bride would be justified in making a big deal out of this.

        1. I really don’t think anybody said that. People noted that it would sting to learn that you’re perhaps not as important to your friend as a totally move-able weekend trip. That’s all — nobody’s suggesting full-blown bridezilla mode.

          1. I think that’s the relevant thing here. If it seemed like the weekend with family could easily be done another weekend (and that’s not necessarily the case here) then I think it’s a little over-the-top to act like it’s really family vs friend when it’s more like moveable family weekend vs unmoveable good friend’s major life event.

            Personally, I didn’t expect anyone who had to travel more than two hours to come to my wedding (except immediate family members) so the travel component would seal the deal for me.

            But the idea that the OP just doesn’t want to “waste” an extra vacation day (by moving the trip to another weekend so that she can still go to Europe for two weeks rather than, say, 13 days) for her good friend’s wedding (in and of itself, not factoring in travel or the fact that maybe her parents can’t move the weekend getaway) seems like a lame excuse. You’re entitled to miss a wedding for whatever reason you want (lame or otherwise) but that doesn’t mean someone is unreasonable to get offended or hurt.

            And not every bride that gets upset about something is a bridezilla.

          2. This is getting into the weeds, but there’s actually a big difference if you give up a vacation day if you were planning on two full weeks. I assume OP means two weeks = 10 workdays. So let’s use this month as an example and say that means they’d leave tomorrow, Feb. 6, and not have to return until Sun, Feb. 21. If she only had 9 vacation days available, she loses that weekend at the beginning or end, so say can’t leave until Feb. 9 and returns Feb. 21, or leaves Feb. 6 and has to return Feb. 18. That actually causes her to lose three days of vacation, not one. With international travel, those bonus weekend days make a big difference.

          3. I agree with Batgirl. I think that I would be more understanding of someone who just didn’t want to/wasn’t able to travel than I would for the fact that they just didn’t want to use a vacation day or reschedule a movable family trip. But, of course, I’m saying that I would be a little hurt and maybe feel like I was less important to my friend than I had thought, not that I would get upset at them or anything like that. I would certainly say that I understood and wish them well either way.

    8. I would be upset if my close friend did not attend my wedding for an event where the date was flexible (not another wedding!). It only happens once and it’s such an important moment to share those who love you and support you. Plan a lovely trip with your parents another weekend. I’m assuming that your preference would be to spend time with both your family and your close friends. So I’d encourage flexibility to make that happen! There are many weekends left this year to plan something special with your parents!

      1. There aren’t a lot of 3-day weekends though. For something where you maybe talk to the bride / groom for 10 minutes, I don’t get it. Especially if you / the marrying couple aren’t 22 (and even if you are).

        If you love the couple, make a point of showing it before or after by having a dinner or dinner party for them. Or something. That is how you nurture a relationship, not just by wedding attendance.

        2. But there are vacation days, create a 3-day weekend of your own. I think a huge part of nurturing a friendship is being there for the big and little things. And I’m sorry people, a wedding is a big thing. Rearrange your family trip trip this year. There are weekends every 5 days and you can see your parents on another one.

          1. In my experience, you don’t get to see the couple all that much on their wedding day. Most of the time is spent interacting with their friends/family/people you aren’t familiar with. Say your reception is 4 hours long, and you have 50 guests. That leaves fewer than 5 minutes per guest. Most weddings I’ve been to are larger, leaving much less time per guest. Not saying that weddings aren’t important, just that I agree that there are much better ways of nurturing a friendship.

      2. I kind of agree with DC, but on the other hand, I live in my hometown and see my parents all the time (and travel with them, on top of that). I’d actually probably find it more understandable that you can’t make it to the wedding because of the cost of travel.

        (Early 30s, only child, close to parents, not married, if any of that matters).

    9. Omg with the “I’d be hurt.” Yes brides, we know this is your big day. But if you’d be hurt that someone doesn’t show up to an event where they’ll get to spend MAYBE 2 minutes talking to you then this isn’t about friendship. This is about you needing to know you’re the center of the universe.

      2. Yep. As a bride, you see your guests maybe for a few minutes a pop. The point of the wedding is the marriage, not to make you a special princess for a day.

        1. Ugh, can we stop with the bride bashing? Being a little hurt that a “good friend” doesn’t come to your wedding is not the same thing as being a bridezilla or acting like you’re a “special princess.” It’s called being human and having feelings. Whether those feelings are reasonable are not can factor into whether or not the bride is being a bridezilla or a “special princess” but the act of being upset alone does not. Especially if the excuse isn’t a very good one (which isn’t to say this one isn’t).

          1. THIS.

            Look, you can be a little hurt. It’s a realistic way to feel when someone doesn’t come to an event like this. I’m sure, also, the bride will get past it, the same way I got past people not coming to my wedding. Both things can be true. The people who made the commitment and sacrifice to come to my wedding stand out in my mind, as well – I don’t think worse at all for the vast majority of people who did not come, but I do think better of some of those that did.

          2. +1 to the part where you say “I don’t think worse at all of the vast majority of people who did not come…” Obviously you don’t invite a friend you don’t want to see, but I just can’t imagine giving a friend’s polite decline to my cross-country wedding invite due to a previous family plan a second thought beyond “aw, that’s too bad. I would have liked to see her.” I would be mildly disappointed, but certainly wouldn’t read into it enough to be hurt.

            As people often correctly point out here, an invitation is not a summons.

      3. I really disagree with this. It’s not about special princess stuff. It marks the beginning of a lifelong commitment, one that can be incredibly difficult to maintain without the support of family and friends. My family/friends and my DH’s family/ friends live very far apart. Our wedding brought together many of them, gave them an opportunity to meet each other and spend time together for the first time (we had pre and post wedding events for the main group of family/friends vs. my coworkers/my parents friends). Their interconnectedness that started at the wedding has helped us through difficult times in our marriage and in our lives generally. As an example, when my baby nephew died last year – my sister she got messages of condolence directly from my DH’s family/friends because she met them at the wedding and they remained in contact afterwards (often electronically only due to distance). Being together for the wedding is one of the few times many of these dearly loved people were together in person. I still get emotional when I think about the love and support our friends and family showed to us by making the effort to be there for the start of our marriage.

        I completely understood when some people couldn’t come. But my reality is that fifteen years later, those that made the extra effort to attend are the same people who make the extra effort on a daily/weekly/monthly/yearly basis to maintain relationships (friends or family).

      4. OMG on both sides. If I were the bride, I’d be disappointed if you weren’t there. If I didn’t feel disappointed you were not going to be there, I would not have invited you (and, in fact, your invitation would be construed as a gift-grab). It’s okay to love friends and want them to be there for special moments in your/their lives. That said, I’d understand plans such as the OP described or if money were a factor, etc. etc., and wish you the best with your family trip. I’d also hope to be able to celebrate with you at another time.

      5. I think that it’s understandable for the bride to be disappointed that the OP can’t come – after all, she cared enough to invite you. It’s also understandable for the bride to be hurt if she thought that she and the OP were closer friends than the OP feels that they are. That doesn’t mean that the OP is wrong to make the decision that she wants to make – it may have an impact on the friendship, but it’s probably ultimately a good thing if there’s an asymmetry in terms of how much the OP values it versus how much the bride values it.

        That said, I wouldn’t say that any family event automatically trumps an event involving someone that isn’t a blood relation – that seems awfully insulting to one’s friends, doesn’t it?

        1. Yea, I’m with cbackson on this one. I think people here are a little too quick to say it’s ok to skip weddings and the bride should just understand. If I’m inviting you to my wedding, I want to see you. I will be hurt if you don’t come because of plans that are flexible (assuming you can afford to come). But I’m also not the type of person to have a 300 person wedding and invite everyone I’ve ever know and give you a passing hello as I make the rounds. So I think it depends on a number of things–how close of a friend and how much do you see them, how big is the wedding, how well do you know the other guests (ie, is this a friend where you have lots of friends in common you don’t get to see much–then I think you go just as much to see those other friends as the bride), how much of a financial difficulty it is, whether it’s customary for your friend group to travel to people’s weddings (With my friend group, we are so spread out everyone has to travel), and in this case, how much you see your parents otherwise. I’d be less hurt if it’s “I can’t afford this and I already have plans with my parents who I only get to see once or twice a year” vs “I can afford this but have vacation plans with my parents who live an hour away that I see every other weekend.”

          1. I also subscribe to the “it’s not ‘just a party,’ it’s a major life milestone” theory. Would I love to take a random trip just to see my friends who live on the other side of the country? Yea, but realistically, it tends to only happen for weddings–in part because it’s a little easier to get uninterrupted time off work if you say “I’m going to a wedding” as opposed to “I’m on vacation.” Sad but true.

        2. +1 to “That said, I wouldn’t say that any family event automatically trumps an event involving someone that isn’t a blood relation – that seems awfully insulting to one’s friends, doesn’t it?”

          Circumstances matter so very much.

      6. Agree with this. If you’re a bride, just don’t be hurt. Decide that you won’t be. Contact your friend and find a time for the two of you to spend time together that actually works with both of your calendars.

        This is all a vicious cycle. Wedding “etiquette” breeds bullsh*t hurt feelings. That etiquette is cemented when people tell you (guest) that if you don’t follow that etiquette, the bride’s feelings will be hurt. Then the bride’s feelings actually are hurt, because she thinks that if guests aren’t following her rules, they must not care about her enough (and vice versa). How about, instead of all this crap, you just have normal interactions with your friends where you talk to them about why you are choosing to do certain things?

        1. Yes, this is exactly it. I really detest what weddings have become in our culture. When I start reading articles about how the GROOM was super hurt about his friends’ choices and priorities and how it changed how he views their friendships, then I will so rolling my eyes at the brides.

          Until then, no deal.

        2. This has nothing to do with wedding etiquette. This has to do with someone demonstrating that she doesn’t think her friendship is important enough to attend the wedding. She can make whatever decision she wants, and it won’t be a breach of etiquette, but it will likely affect the friendship. It may end the friendship, or it may just mean the bride decides the OP isn’t someone she can rely upon. Your “very close friend” has reason to expect that you will make some effort to attend her wedding, just as she has reason to expect your assistance or support for other life milestones. The OP doesn’t seem willing to make that effort.

      7. This doesn’t make sense either, though:

        “But if you’d be hurt that someone doesn’t show up to an event where they’ll get to spend MAYBE 2 minutes talking to you then this isn’t about friendship.”

        You’ve swung too far in the other direction. Not every event in a relationship is or should be totally mutual. On a micro level, I might have a night where I spend our whole evening talking about a terrible work issue, and the next time we go out, you might need to take center stage. I see a wedding as a larger, but more unique, example of that. You are bearing witness to a good friend. It should all come out over the course of the friendship, though. If not, then it’s an issue with the relationship, not all weddings.

        Similarly, construing a wedding as meaningless to you bc you don’t get a full audience with the bride sounds like it’s an issue with the relationship, not weddings.

        1. Yeah, I agree with this.

          I went to the funeral of my college roommate’s mom last weekend. I got to spend about two minutes talking to her. It was an hour’s drive and it was boring and I was cold in the chapel. But I went to show her I care about her during a tough milestone in her life. It wasn’t about us spending quality time together.

      8. This. One of my closest friends came to my wedding, but was a no-show at the reception. I wasn’t bothered at the time, and was so glad I didn’t get upset, because I later found out that she was at the hospital with one of her family members who then passed away during my honeymoon. Had I been upset and hurt about her not coming to the wedding/reception, I would have felt so incredibly guilty about it later on.

    10. If you choose to have your wedding at a time or location that you know is a burden to your guests, then you choose to be understanding of a guest’s inability to come. This applies to holiday weddings, destination wedding, and to inviting out of town guests.

      Unfortunately, not all people are as understanding as they should be. They expect everyone else’s life to stop for their Special Day – after all, it’s only ONE DAY, right? The problem is, summer holiday weekends are very popular for weddings. I know plenty of people who have not had a Memorial Day to themselves for 5+ years because of weddings.

      If you cancel your Memorial Day tradition for this wedding, but decline to cancel it for future weddings, you’re asking for hurt feelings. How big of a risk that is for you and how comfortable you are with that risk is up to you.

    11. Is the vacation for just you and your parents?

      Then why not just do it a different weekend the same month? Or the next month? Or on the 4th of July?

      If it is a big family reunion and it can only be done on that weekend for logistical reasons, then of course it is fine to decline.

      I am definitely on the extreme mellow end when it comes to weddings and of course I would understand if you decline. But if you are a ?close friend (how close?), then of course I might be a little disappointed as it sounds like you can easily just change the 3 day family trip (which only uses 1 vacation day?) to another weekend.

      Is there something that I’m missing here?

      1. It’s not a big family reunion, just my parents and me and potentially my partner. Because of scheduling, Memorial Day definitely works for my parents and Fourth of July might not work for mom.

        I’m hoarding vacation days because our family is planning a 2 week trip to Europe later this year, and I also want to go home during Christmas. So essentially all my vacation is “spoken for” this year.

        So, this sounds like excuses and I fully recognize that I can go to the wedding if I valued it above what I’d give up to go. But I really really value vacation time and time with my parents and when it’s a forced rank, they come just a little ahead.

        1. Then you’ve answered your own question. Send a nice gift and a thoughtful card… write something on it that includes nice memories and reflections on your friendship. She will remember that more than you missing her wedding.

          It’s ok.

          From, an internet friend who has already lost her Mom and now values time with Dad…

          1. I’m with @weddings on this one. I lost a parent one day out of the clear blue sky. For those of us that remain – other parents, siblings – family just comes first.

        2. I don’t spend time with my family very often, by choice, and even I think it’s completely fine to prioritize your family over this wedding that includes quite a bit of travel on a holiday weekend. Your priorities are your priorities. If you feel inclined, reach out to your friend personal, express your regrets, and extend a dinner invitation or what have you for the next time you are geographically close together.

        3. I think you can decline but recognize that you are making excuses because you’d rather go on a weekend with your parents (with whom you can probably plan another weekend with) rather than go to a wedding of someone you say you’re a close friend. And recognize that this will probably affect the friendship.

          3. And creepy. She seems to have made her decision on perfectly rational bases, and you just had yo double down with your “recognize this will affect your friendship.” You seem unreasonably demanding of your friends, not to mention someone who just HAS to be right.

          4. not wow. its true. the OP came on here looking for justification to not attend her good friends wedding because she wants to vacation with her parents. Yes, that is an acceptable thing to do, but yes, it also shows that she doesn’t value the friendship very much.

        4. this. but expect your “good friend” to not be so good anymore. You are not a very good friend to her

        5. It sounds like you have a lot of time already planned with your family in addition to memorial day weekend. If it was your only trip away with them, then I’d understand.

          In the end, it’s your priority. I’d personally prioritize my friend, it’s one of the major days in her life and I want to share that. If you feel like 10 years from now you’d regret not having the weekend with family vs not being with your friend, go for it.

    12. I suggest making definite plans to visit your friend and her new husband and then go on vacation with your family on Memorial Day. Call your friend and tell her you have long-standing plans with your parents (which you do) and then pick a specific weekend to visit her (and buy plane tickets).

      1. Haha, then you’ll have to sit and look at pictures of the wedding you missed and comment about everything….

        1. I wouldn’t mind at all! I love looking at wedding pictures and talking about weddings. :)

      2. Or can you go to a shower or bachelor3tt3 party instead? Some kind of pre-wedding festivities to celebrate with her where you can actually spend some time with her?

        I think it’s fine to decline in order to go on a pre-planned trip with your family (and I’d define a trip that happens the same weekend every year as pre-planned) but then don’t go post on Facebook about “where should I go on Memorial Day weekend with my family?”

    13. Will you regret missing the wedding in 10 years? I missed a dear friend’s wedding in 2004, and it still bothers me. We will be in each other’s lives forever, and I missed the day she married the love of her life.

      1. This is a good thought exercise. I didn’t quite think of it this way but I know that if g-d forbid I die on June 1, I’d really much rather have spent the time with my parents vs going to the wedding.

    14. To answer your question, yes your friend will most likely be disappointed. Obviously, if you are “close friends” then she would want you at her wedding. But, if you are “close friends” she will also understand that you can’t make it. I’m surprised by the majority of comments here acting like brides are special snowflakes for wanting their friends to come to their wedding. Ultimately, you have to do what is best for you- but don’t be surprised if your friend’s’ feelings are hurt.

      1. Yeah, I was disappointed when a good friend couldn’t make my wedding, but I got over it, and we are still friends! It’s ok to have feelings.

      2. Honestly I just think all the brides are snowflake zillas comments are coming from a place of jealousy. It’s fine to want to be married yourself, but maybe before the hate on the idea that someone might want their closest friends to celebrate with them, think of where the vitriol is coming from. I say that as someone who had a very hard time with weddings when I thought I’d never meet anyone and had the sense of despair that’s often posted about here.

        1. Ha! You don’t think “the haters are just jealous” is a little bridezilla in and of itself?

          I am married. I am pro-marriage. I had a very small wedding and I’m so glad I did.

          I helped my younger sister with her very Big Important Wedding and she got sucked into all of this cr ap. Didn’t make it a good marriage. Didn’t stop her husband from
          cheating on her, no matter that 200+ of her closest friends showed up to enjoy the $75K party.

          The wedding is not the most important day of your marriage. Every day is the most important day. The moment you decide to forgive him for that awful thing he said. When you have a health scare and you see the panic in his eyes. Even when you decide not too divorce him for how loudly he eats his Grape Nuts while you’re trying to read the paper.

          Weddings are a racket. There’s a reason there is something called the Wedding Industry. The idea that this day has to be the most special day of your entire life is due to carefully positioned marketing.

          My parents got married in the late 1960s. There was no Wedding Industry. They lived across the country from their families so there was zero expectation that anyone at all would attend. They got married on a Friday at noon, with two witnesses from my mom’s work place who went back to work after a quick wedding lunch. My parents stayed married until my dad died.

          The fact that any of you would determine the worth of a friendship based on whether they’re willing to change all of their plans, travel 10+ hours and spend thousands of dollars in order to see you in your pretty dress is just sad to me.

          1. I think the comment you’re responding to is ridiculous, but I also think your comment is over the top. Your sister almost certainly didn’t get divorced or have a bad marriage because she had a big wedding. [And you don’t have a great marriage just because you had a small wedding. I know there are click-bait pieces about how big weddings equal increased divorce rates, but I don’t buy it (I think bigger weddings may indicate greater income levels and having the financial freedom to divorce if that’s what’s right for you).]

            People see weddings differently. Some people see them as a chance to have their friends see them “in a pretty dress,” some see them as being solely between the couple, while others see them as a chance to bring your closest family and friends together to share a momentous occasion or support you in an important commitment. Not sure we need all the judgment about who chooses what. You’re not a special snowflake just because you decide you don’t want to have a big wedding — same as you aren’t a special snowflake because you have a huge wedding. They’re just different choices. Get over it, people, and stop being so damn smug.

        2. Ew. This comment is the very definition of smug marrieds. Honey, no one is jealous of you, but bless your heart.

    15. I would not be hurt if a close friend missed my wedding for a family obligation that actually had to be that particular weekend, like a wedding, funeral, graduation, baptism or bar mitzvah. I would be hurt if a friend chose to vacay rather than coming to my wedding, because you can go on vacation (including with your parents) any time. Seriously, unless your parents are POTUS and FLOTUS, I don’t believe you can’t find a single other weekend in 2016 to do this.

      1. FLOTUS seems to get a lot more vacation than I do and doesn’t have to make connecting flights / worry about lost luggage.

        FWIW, my job has busy seasons and awful weeks and a few weeks annually that work for time away. My elderly parents won’t drive on I-95 on holiday weekends or fly then, which is their option. If I want to see them, it is at their convenience or I have to plan to fly with my whole family to see them (12 hours away driving with few stops; 15 in reality with little ones) and the nearest airport is 1.5 hours from their house. It’s not like they live around the corner and we could see each other any time.

        “Can’t find another weekend” is OK if you’re running out to Starbucks. Not if it is scheduled-in-advance much like a wedding.

    16. I generally hate weddings and am very close to my parents. Still, in this situation, if I and my parents could move the vacations plans, I would.

    17. If I were in your spot, and this were a Very Good Friend (the kind my family knows, probably has met, maybe has even shared holidays with), I would talk to the family about moving the family event, for just this year. This assumes this is a nuclear family event, and not one that would impact 10-15+ people. This would ONLY be in the Very Good Friend circumstances, of which I have about 3 (and I am 32).

      For everyone else, I would pick one or the other and expect the other party to be reasonable.

    18. As a bride getting married on a holiday weekend in a location that is a cross-country trip for 40% of the guests, I wouldn’t be hurt. I’d be sad and disappointed, but most definitely not hurt. My wedding is very intimate and everyone invited is a very close friend or family member. That being said, if someone couldn’t attend (for whatever reason, cost, conflict, just didn’t want to make the trip), I wouldn’t take it personally. My friends care about me and I know it. While I truly want each of them to be at my wedding, I completely understand that life doesn’t allow every single person to be there. That just how it rolls. I believe a true friend should understand that we all have to make tough decisions and you choosing to take a trip with your family doesn’t mean you care about her any less.

    19. Thanks everyone for your perspective. I’ve told my friend that I have a family vacation Memorial Day weekend and that regretfully, I won’t be able to celebrate with her in person. She was disappointed but said she understood. I have been texting her several times a week and we talk every couple of weeks, and I always make sure to ask her about the wedding (and other stuff), give her advice on wedding planning when she asked, and I will continue doing so. We’ve also talked about said me going in the Fall to visit her and her new husband.

      I’ve realized that I’m not willing to give up a long weekend with my parents nor am I willing to cut short our family vacation. That’s my choice and I should own it. And having made that decision, I feel fine about it.

      I’ll try my best to continue to be a good friend and support her without celebrating her wedding in person.

      1. I think that’s perfect. It’s so important to spend time with parents, especially as they age, and to make sure they know they are a very high priority. Especially when you described this tradition as extremely important to you, I was rooting for you to do this! Some of the things I most regret are not spending time with close family members when I had the chance. It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job of letting your friend know you care while still preserving your family tradition!

      3. Nicely done – I think making it sound like a done deal (which it essentially is) minimizes the possibility of any hurt feelings.

    20. I would be sad if someone I thought of as a “very close friend” missed my wedding to go on vacation, even a family vacation (assuming the family in question is healthy and active and the vacation could have been rescheduled for some future date). However, I will say that, when I got married, I checked with everyone I would describe that way (the bridal party and a couple others) before announcing the date to a wider group. I didn’t want to get married without all my closest friends there, but I also recognized that if I just arbitrarily chose a date, some of them might have valid reasons they couldn’t make it, so I ran the date by them. A few close friends have done the same thing for their own weddings. So if the bride hasn’t asked about the date, she may be more ok with people missing it. And I do agree in general that if you have a wedding on a holiday weekend, you should expect more “No” RSVPs.

    21. Here’s thing, it depends on the bride. To some people a wedding is a big important day marking the beginning of a life long union that all of their loved ones should be part of (a view I never even considered until I saw so many people express it here). To some people its something you do on a Saturday morning at town hall with 6 guests because there are legal advantages to it and its not a big deal at all and your relationship is exactly the same as it was the day before. And everything in between. You need to know what your friend’s view is to know how she will feel.

  2. For everyone who has been on antidepressants/anti anxiety meds, how long were you on them and when did you decide you were ready to come off them? I’m on a SNRI for anxiety (SSRIs gave me really negative side effects) and I’d love some anectdata on what it’s like to transition off of them. Was your depression or anxiety better/worse/the same after you went off them? Any bad withdrawal symptoms?

    1. I was on an SSRI and transitioned off because I hated the side effects and my life had calmed down/panic attacks had stopped. But my dr. recently questioned if I should be back on them – I actually need to adjust my appointment with my psych and ask about this. Can you talk a little about your experience with the SNRI vs SSRI? Can I ask which one you’re on?

      I just took my time tapering on the SSRI (probably 6-8 weeks off 15 mg). I did fine.

      1. Sure. So I was on Zoloft, which was fine at the half taper up dose, and then afterwards made me have really bad headaches, floaty feeling, etc. So then I switched off of it and onto Cymbalta (I think, off the top of my head), which was HORRIBLE, and made me feel drunk. I literally was so sick on it that I had to leave work early and go home and lie down (I made an appointment immediately with my doctor and he agreed that I needed to stop them ASAP. Then I went off of them for about a week or so while we did a genetic test through Millienium Labs (shadiest company ever, but good test. Ignore every bill they send you, they do this just to scare you). It was a cheek swab and super easy. Anyway, from that result, my dr told me that the test results backed up my bad experiences with SSRIs (apparently my body is an ultra-rapid metabolizer and something in them wasn’t working for me, I forgot exactly what he said). So we did the next drug based on the results, which is Fetzima. It sucks in that it’s super expensive, but my quality of life has improved dramatically and I have excellent insurance. Side effects are minimal and tolerable, but I don’t want to be on an SNRI forever, you know? My dr also said that if Fetzima didn’t work, we’d either go to another SNRI or go for Lamictal (off-label use for anxiety). I also got a BZO Rx, which I’d recommend even if you don’t want to go on a daily dose of SSRI/SNRI. Just knowing I have it in case of a panic attack makes me feel more in control and I haven’t had to use it once since I got it.

    2. I was on Prozac for many, many years (I want to say 7-8 years at least?). When I felt like I no longer needed it, I discussed with my doc and therapist and stopped taking it cold-turkey. I had no issues or withdrawal problems. I’ve gone on and off Pristiq as needed with no ill effects as well.

      I take my anxiety meds on an as needed basis and have approached it that way since 2003. Now, as needed, at points in my life meant four times a day! At this point, I know when I need them and I know when I don’t and haven’t had any ill effects using that method.

      1. I should probably add that my body appears to be a super slow metabolizer of meds – it takes a LOT of drugs to have an effect on me. I am usually on the highest dosage of whatever and the serious pain meds are useless for me to take (maybe make me sleepy).

    3. I was on Lexapro for 5 years when I decided to stop taking it while TTC. I slowly weaned off of it, and during that time I experienced mood swings, dizziness, etc. I managed to stay off of it for 5 months before going back on them. During those five months, my anxiety was unmanageable (despite therapy), and I had a dozen panic attacks. YMMV.

      1. My experience was pretty similar except I went off it because I just forgot to refill my prescription and then I thought I could do ok without it because my panic attacks had gone away since taking it. Not the case for me. Unfortunately my panic attacks came back in a week or two.

        I’ve been on Lexapro for about 4 or 5 years now, and at this point, if it helps keep my panic attacks under control, I’m fine with just dealing with any side effects (I rarely have any except weight gain).

    4. Which SNRI are you on?

      If you are on Cymbalta…. be very very careful about discontinuing it. Both of my parents have been on it at various points – my Mom was on it for chronic neuropathic pain and my father was on it for mood.

      My Mom (foolishly….) once decided to stop it on her own, and did so relatively abruptly. She was thrown into a deep depression when she never had depression before. Crying…. inconsolable…. totally unstable. Very scary. She got back on it, and when in the future it was stopped, it was tapered very very slowly and she was closely followed by her doctor.

      My father had depression (complicated psych history). When he decreased his Cymbalta dose slowly, he became very depressed and it was clear he wasn’t ready to stop it.

      I would make sure you have very good alternative mood control methods in place before stopping your meds. For example…. exercise regimen, minfulness/meditation training, “happy light” during winter, appointments with a counselor if needed, and regular follow-up with a psychiatrist they are prescribing the meds to guide the slow taper.

      Good luck! I hope it works well for you.

    5. I was on 10 mg Lexapro for 9 months and went off because we were TTC. I weaned off over 6 weeks and had virtually no withdrawal symptoms other than occasionally brain zaps for those 6 weeks. The week I actually went off completely I was very emotional and for 2 of those days I had severe mood swings and anxiety. After that, I was good. Lexapro REALLY helped my anxiety and the effects lasted after I weaned off of them (I’ve been off for a year now, pregnant for 7 of those 12 months).

      1. Can I ask why you weaned off of Lexapro while TTC? My psychiatrist said it is generally safe to stay on Lexapro while pregnant now, but I do want to be aware of any risks. I’m not sure in any case the benefits to staying on Lexapro for me while outweigh the potential risks, but would like to know your reasoning behind tapering off.

    6. I was on an SSRI for about 6 mos in college. I went on them with the explicit intent that it would only be temporary. Though I’d had a history of depression, I also had a lot of concrete things in my life and childhood that contributed to that depression…and I felt talk therapy was really what I needed to be “cured”. That said, I was at a very low point and it seemed like medication could stabilize me enough to help me deal with things.

      I was in a much better place when I went off the meds, and I don’t really remember a major rebound effect. This is very much my own opinion, but I do think there’s a tendency (probably driven by what insurance will cover) to overmedicate mental disorders without treating the underlying causes. I won’t say that I’ve never been unhappy (even tending toward depression) in the many years since I came off the meds, but never like I was (barely able to get out of bed and crying all the time). I’m dealing once again with some major difficult stuff, but I’ve been successfully able to work through a lot of it in talk therapy.

      1. Agree that we overmedicate, as someone who’s done a lot of therapy for an anxiety disorder with some depression and taken anxiety meds in the past.

    7. I was on generic effexor for about a year. It worked well in that it got me out of a very deep depression and made me go out and do things. I decided to come off it when I was feeling better and stronger overall, and I was tired of the night sweats and horrible (HORRIBLE) nightmares. Coming off effexor was hell. I started tapering and apparently did it too quickly. I walked around in a terrible fog, forgot how to do simple life tasks like putting gas in my car, I started having “brain zaps” (basically feeling like my brain was bumping up against an electric fence), and generally I felt like crap. I had to up the dose again and start tapering ridiculously slowly – I would open up the capsule and count the granules, and start removing 2-3 granules (out of 100s) every day, and I kept a meticulous record of how many granules I left in each day. That worked better.

      I also tried wellbutrin. It did nothing for me, but also coming off it was no big deal at all. Apparently I’m super sensitive to the effexor and not at all to the wellbutrin.

  3. I keep seeing these awesome light gray, flannel/wool ruckacks, but I’m too shy to ask someone where it’s from. Any ideas on who makes them/where to find them? Thanks!

    1. whoops. Don’t have my glasses on – that should be rucksack or backpack with the drawstring. :)

  4. I have this dress, it is really comfortable and flattering! I wore it for over 12 hours last week and loved it. It is a cross between a drop waist and a fit and flare, so flattering on my pear shape. Runs large like Loft typically does.

    1. Why can’t it have long sleeves? It would be so perfect as my winter flying ensemble with leggings. Did you wear a cardigan or jacket over it? I am one of those people who is always cold! I love a good less-formal dress, but I feel like adding a later over top makes it seem to be too formal out of the office.

    2. I am tempted to get it, based on your recommendation. I am a pear shape and am always looking for winter dresses that I can wear with black tights/boots.

      How did you size it?

      I am very pear shaped…. so by their fit chart I am a 2 in the boobs with tiny arms, 4 in the waist, and 8 in the hips. What do you recommend?

    3. Anonymous: I wore it with a shorter cardigan, but it is a heavy enough material to be pretty warm on it’s own with tights.

      Little dress- Hmm I’d say ignore the fit chart actually since Loft runs big. I usually get a 0 in dresses (small chest and waist), and a 2 or 4 in skirts, and I bought the 0 in this dress. There is a little extra room in the waist, and the waist construction is different, but flattering. Essentially, it hits at the natural waist, the drops in a slight A line, then continues the A line with the seam at the top hip, making a full A line. If you can’t try it on, I’d go for 2, there is ample room for hips in the bottom and stretch to the material. But you can always take in a 4, especially when the dress is only $26 to begin with!

    4. I also have this dress, and I love it. I bought it in a 12 Tall, and it actually fits where my waist is. I’m very pear shaped. It’s super comfy, basically like wearing PJs all day.

      Relatedly, why did it take until I was 28 to realize that I needed to be buying tall sizes for dresses to fit me right? I’m 5’7″, so not super tall, but I have a longer waist then most women my height. Also, why isn’t there a tall section in most stores like a petite section?

      1. I’m 32 and just figured this out too. I always wondered why dresses didn’t fit right. Then I bought a tall size from AT and was amazed. Now I’m on a mission to buy ALL the tall dresses!

  5. Does your mattress have a permanent, pronounced valley where you normally sleep? We replaced our mattress <2 years ago, but the new one has already acquired the same dents that made me replace the old. We rotate it every few months, but then we just end up sleeping in the other person's dent. I specifically wanted a flippable mattress this time to try to avoid the problem, but was told that those don't really exist anymore and new mattresses are engineered not to need flipping. My husband and I are both average size, so I can't imagine we're just so heavy that we're exceeding the use the mattress was designed for. Is this just a fact of life? If not, what am I doing wrong? Or, recommend your dent-free mattress to me, please!

    2. This is, indeed, a sign of a low-quality mattress. I recommend reading the impressively detailed information on the website Mattress Underground to try to figure out what mattress to buy next.

      1. I agree. I bought a relatively inexpensive mattress ($900/queen) a few years ago and regretted it almost immediately. There was a dent in the middle where my husband slept, and I always ended up rolling into him in the middle of the night. We upgraded to a king size bed a year ago and purchased a top-rated serta ($1600/king during a major sale) and have never slept better. There is zero dent in the middle.

        1. Wow, $900 is cheap for a queen? I spent $300 on mine (Berkshire Hathaway brand from NFM) and it’s still going strong 9 years later.

      2. I started down the rabbit hole of that site and will have to save it for later, but it looks like just what I need. Thank you!

        We definitely made the mistakes of buying for comfort in the store and choosing a major national brand. So frustrating that it’s gone “bad” so quickly at that price point.

        I do think it’s the mattress, itself; we have a box spring underneath, so it should be evenly supported.

        1. I paid a large fortune for a memory foam mattress from Relax The Back several years ago, only to have it develop valleys in far too short of time for the price I paid (and I weigh right at 100 pounds). I bought a sleep number lowest price last year and, so far, really like it. Plus it sleeps cooler than the memory foam.

    3. How is the support under the mattress? Do you have slats that are weak? When we had this happen I realized that our slats were not supporting the center of the bed the way we expected them to. I ordered a steel support frame from Amazon and it completely solved the problem.

    4. Mine does, partly because I hang out a lot on my bed even when I’m just home at night. And I have a non-flippable mattress (pillow top). I do rotate it occasionally but it doesn’t help all that much. I think, like you, I’d like to have something where the pillow top was removeable and it could be flipped. I don’t have any idea if that’s a unicorn.

    5. We bought a mattress at Room and Board that developed this issue. They gave us a replacement (woohoo!), and we immediately put a 3″ memory foam mattress topper on it – the densest (i.e. heaviest) one we could find on Amazon. The new bedding is SO comfortable. Apparently the key is a cheap mattress that provides good support + high quality topper. If the topper starts to sag or indent after a few years, you can just replace it.

    6. When we had a pillow-top mattress we got a memory-foam mattress topper for it that was great.

      Now we have a memory foam mattress and I hate it. And there’s dents, I swear, at least in my side.

    7. Depending on the warranty, you could get it replaced. There’s an expected sag that the mattress shouldn’t exceed.

      1. I just checked. The sag has to exceed 1.5 inches to be covered by warranty and you have to pay a fee to have it “inspected,” then for the shipping cost of a replacement. The time and money to deal with that don’t seem worth it to just get a newer version of the same bad mattress. grr

        In case anyone is wondering, Stearns & Foster. Which, now that I look into it, has a ton of negative reviews about the exact same issue on consumeraffairs. Live and learn, I guess.

  6. Any college merit scholarship success stories out there? My kid is in high school and has good grades; we will not qualify for need-based aid. I’ve heard of Fastweb but otherwise Google-searching this one is overwhelming – I can’t tell which of these “scholarship” pages are legit. Just wondering if any of you had luck with scholarships for undergrad. Thx.

    1. Colleges give merit scholarships based on how you compare to their applicant pool. Not likely at State U unless you are wildly overqualified. But some places give you in-state tuition if you are out of state. State U is generally a good deal, $-wise, so less need for merit scholarships.

      There are private scholarships you can apply for — if you have to send $ with your application, probably not legit.

      Maybe talk to his / her guidance counselor? In my area, you can also pay for private counselors to give you a better roadmap / more time and attention.

      1. Depends on your state. Our kids had fairly good luck with merit scholarships from 2 different state schools (one in state, one out of state). I would say 1 of our kids was “wildly overqualified”, one just “overqualified”, and one “a good student but not amazingly overqualified but got a good amount of money anyway”.

      2. My husband and I each got merit-based full rides at our respective State U (Iowa and Michigan), so anecdotally I disagree with this.

        1. I had a merit-based full ride at a different Midwestern State U and I’m on the fence whether I would have fit the description of “wildly overqualified.”

          On the one hand, I was ahead of my peers in most of my classes and bored. There were times where the professor intended to scale the exam scores such that the highest score equaled 100. I.e., if the highest raw score was 96, everyone got 4 points added. I would get a 95 and the next highest person would be in the mid-70s, with some down to the 40s and 50s. I’d end up with a 130 because the professor thought the class would kill me if they only got 5 points and weren’t handed out A-equivalent grades despite the fact that none of them understood the material. It was not exactly an environment where I felt challenged.

          But on the other hand, I came from a high school that employed similar “teach to the below average” techniques. So, I had raw ability that showed up on test scores, but I lacked the polish and discipline that I would’ve needed to succeed at a top private or even top state school in another state. I wouldn’t have even been admitted (and wasn’t to the few I applied to) because my writing skills weren’t there. It’s hard to say I was “overqualified”–to me that implies I had other, more prestigious options.

          I think kids in this same category as me are probably great fits for the full ride at big State U, and can then go on to the fancier schools for grad school without undergrad debt weighing them down. I went to a grad program that was ranked #1 in that field and it was a harsh adjustment from coasting up to that point, but I was much better prepared to deal with it at 22 than 18.

          1. Agreed with this.
            – another person with a full-ride merit scholarship to State U, who then attended a top 5 law school

      3. I got offered (but did not take) a full merit based scholarship to UCONN as a CT resident. I was very overqualified for the school, but not Ivy material. I believe in CT at the time of you had a certain GPA (or certain % class rank?) and SATs over 1400 (?) you got the full ride offer. I was applying to colleges almost 15 years ago, though…

    2. I got a few very small scholarships – one from my high school, and a couple from companies when I was a junior at a public university that had a lot of corporate sponsorship.

    3. My private university had it’s own merit based academic scholarship program. It still exists but the process might be different. At the time I went there was a minimum cut off based on SAT scores and GPA. Then you wrote an essay, submitted resume etc. then you were brought in for extensive interviews if you made it through the essay round. About half of all interviewees got the scholarship. I was lucky enough to get it. I got all tuition paid. I had to pay room and board which I needed since I stayed on campus. There were other non monetary benefits I got because I was on scholarship while I was there as well. I imagine a lot of colleges have similar programs. There was also a sister program for diverse candidates. The process was the same and they got room and board and books paid as well as tuition. Maybe a dozen to a dozen and a half scholarships were given each year across both programs. i highly recommend looking into the options directly from the schools he is interested in!

    4. I got a huge merit scholarship from my small private school (and was offered merit scholarships almost everywhere I applied). I applied for several smaller local ones and got a few of those, too. The money is definitely out there. My high school guidance office had a huge catalogue of scholarships and helped me ID those for which I was eligible. Your kid should definitely stop in and ask; it is literally a guidance counselor’s job to help with this.

      One thing to note: at some schools, the application deadline for scholarship consideration is much earlier than for admission. In fact, some may have already passed for this application cycle. I remember I missed one that was in January…

    5. I don’t know how to weed through external sites, but the big pool of merit scholarship money comes direct from the colleges that your kid applies to. Ideal scenario: kid has good grades, high SAT, and is willing to go to good-but-not-super-prestigious private college. Think somewhere in the 20-80 zone of US News national rankings (for either SLACs or universities). That college then gives him/her lots of merit money because they want to boost the statistics of their entering class.

      1. In a prior life I was a college access counselor, and Sarabeth nailed it if you want to maximize merit scholarship funding. I’ll also add that research has demonstrated that high-achieving students who were accepted to both Ivy and State U-type schools, but who opted for the State U route, had the same achievement outcomes after graduation. Flagship State U may not be the most cost-effective option if your kid is the kind of student who would clean up with merit funding at say, Lehigh or Grinnell or maybe the second- or third-best public university in your state, but I offer that information as a counterweight to the narrative that your child must attend the highest-ranked school that they get into.

      2. Sarabeth basically describes our son. He got some small scholarships found through his HS and then, upon his acceptance from his current school, which is in the good-but-not-super-prestigious category, he was informed he was getting a “president’s scholar” award that comes to about half his annual tuition (which is a LOT).

      3. +1 worked great for me. Also expand your geographic area to help a small school with geographic diversity.

    6. It was a long time ago now, but my smallish branch of the State U has an honors program, and applying for it automatically dropped me into the running for a full scholarship as well. (Gave me about $300 extra per semester after tuition, fees, and mid-level housing were paid.) It was funded by a local company (with a national presence). Not everyone in my honors program got that specific scholarship, but my understanding was that basically everyone in the program got some sort of full ride.

      I don’t know if it’s different now (state has a lottery scholarship now, for one thing), but I’m sure that they still have something similar. FWIW, I had good but not great grades (A/B) and a really good ACT score, and got in easily.

    7. A hundred years ago when I was applying for undergrad, I actually negotiated a merit scholarship. I was a strong candidate – great SATs, National Merit Semifinalist, 3.9 GPA – and applying for less-competitive schools because of my chosen major. I had scholarship offers from all schools, but my first choice was more expensive than the others and had offered a a fairly small merit scholarship initially. I got up my nerve to call the admissions office and told them that if they wanted me, they would need to offer more. They upped my scholarship to 2/3 tuition, and I accepted.

      TL;DR – you can negotiate for more merit scholarship money if you’re a good candidate.

    8. When I was doing this kind of thing I found all sorts of surprising places that give merit aid, like Case Western Reserve – merit aid is tied to SAT scores/class rank sort of stuff. Also, smaller liberal arts schools often have that kind of stuff – the older ones with nice endowments.

    9. Yes! I automatically received a 50% scholarship from my SUNY. I then applied for tons of scholarships offered by my high school and local scholarships. I also applied for scholarships through FastWeb. Ultimately I ended up getting quite a few. My brother is now a high school senior and is in the same boat, he also received merit scholarship offers from SUNY that he needs to apply for. The key is to just get the high school senior to apply- easier said than done.

    10. Agree that your best bet is direct from the school. The Ivys and MIT and Stanford don’t give merit aid to my knowledge, but some surprisingly good schools do including Johns Hopkins, Wash U and U Chicago (I think).

      1. keeping in mind that this data is ~15 years old:
        – friend got into U Chicago and also got a full ride (inc board) to George Washigton. She took the full ride and somehow negotiated a free masters.
        – friend got a full ride to GW, then used it to convince Wesleyan to give him a better financial aid package
        – I was offered a 50% discount to Lehigh with a free masters option, with the requirement of keeping a B average.
        – friend got a full merit ride to Brandeis. Went for a year then transferred to MIT but his parents saved 25%

    12. Even if you don’t qualify for need-based aid, you will likely need to submit the FAFSA to even begin the scholarship/loan process. So just do it.

    13. So, sort of a side note. What other posters said about merit scholarships are true (it’s very school based), and USC, WashU, have well known established merit based scholarship programs. Downside is that they’re super competitive and some of them require you to maintain a certain GPA to continue to receive them.

      Some other options – I applied for any and all scholarships that existed that I qualified for. Even if I didn’t win all of them, the ones I did meant that the return on investment was $1000/5 hours or about $200/hour, which, as a hs student is a lot, even if I had to write a lame essay.

      Some ideas:
      1. national pizza chain (came with a pizza party for my senior year class)
      2. local community organization for X ethnicity
      3. local union sponsored scholarship

      I was able to cover living expenses and incidentals with these scholarships while my need-based aid covered the rest.

    14. So I’m on the young side of this board (late 20s), but there still was not one magic resource for scholarships when I applied to colleges, even though I applied online. Ask the college counselor, ask the schools, and use google to maximize this.

      Two stories: My boyfriend is very smart but lived in a small town and went to the *only* high school. He went to State U, applied for every scholarship he could find and graduated with no debt. Our state has an excellent State U and thus rather high tuition comparatively, even for instate. He worked very hard while there to rise to the top and went to a very fancy graduate school and has a very fancy job that makes twice as much as I do and I work in biglaw. I suppose I was the overqualified student – I applied to same State U and got a near-full tuition merit scholarship but went elsewhere. I went to private schools that cost 3x as much in tuition as it would have been at State U. My family had set aside money for me to go to the best college I could get into, so I went to an ultra expensive college that does not offer merit scholarships. I also graduated without debt, but because that was provided for by my parents. Sure, I work in biglaw now but it’s funny to compare the two paths as he makes more than me. I think we are of equal intelligent levels, but if you had looked at our applications as high school seniors, mine would have been vastly more qualified because I took classes to get the best score on the SAT, ACT, and SAT IIs, I was involved in clubs and volunteer work, and I took loads of AP classes — all of these were the norm in my city but nowhere to be found in SO’s small town.

      I guess the point of this is: yes, there are scholarships to be found (both offered by the schools and offered by independent organizations). A school will either offer it or you can ask for more from them. Then you can supplement with outside scholarships but those take applications – my boyfriend’s parents had him apply to new ones every weekend totaling some 40 in all.

    15. Way back in 1999 when i was applying for college, there was a scholarship offered by Tylenol (that everyone applied for), one for Ayn Rand (read Atlas Shrugged, I think, and write and essay).

      I cobbled several small scholarships together, including one with the local rotary club, another through my church and a few offered at the high school for graduating seniors (like senior awards).

    16. I received merit scholarships based on my SAT scores and GPA from a number of the smaller regional private schools I applied to. They weren’t “reach” schools for me by any means, but they were good schools and offered me merit-based aid packages that ranged from covering a quarter of annual tuition to full tuition scholarships. I ended up choosing one that paid for more than 2/3 of my undergrad tuition, making a private school less expensive than State U at the time. My family didn’t qualify for financial aid either, so this merit aid was a huge win and allowed me to graduate debt-free.

      Was it the best school I got into? No. Am I grateful everyday to be debt-free? Yes.

      1. There used to be books of scholarships in the Reference section of the public library (I last looked in ’92). St. Andrews Society, Huguenot Ancestry society, musicians, Classics societies, ham radio operators, etc. etc. These scholarships still exist, but people don’t seem to know how to look things up any more if it doesn’t show up on the first page of Google results. They usually require an essay or two. Seems like an easy trade-off for a thousand or so dollars of tuition reduction.

  7. Any advice, particularly from folks with a transactional practice, about writing samples for use in a job application? I’m quite junior and do a lot of work with forms, so there’s very little (if anything) that’s solely my writing,and in any case, I’d be concerned about confidentiality (as I understand litigators often use something that’s been filed). I’m considering using something from my first year legal writing class or from my clinical work, but those options suffer, respectively, from being a relatively long time ago and having other people’s edits inserted. Thanks for any thoughts!

    1. I used two research memos and entirely changed the client name, widget type (to the extent the law would still apply) and cities.

      1. Hmm, I’m not sure if this is a good idea. Research memos are work product that the client paid for, and belong to your firm. I’m not sure if just changing the information to protect confidentiality is enough. I would look at your first year legal writing stuff and re-work it. But that’s just me. I may be wrong on this.

        1. I’m not in private practice, but… really? (And I mean that in confusion, not obnoxiously.) How do experienced attorneys in private practice have a writing sample, then?

    2. Thanks to all of you for your comments, and I’m reassured to hear that anon and Pretty Primadonna wondered the same thing I did. Of course this is a good reason to write articles and other public things, but I assume potential employers will want to see more work-product-type documents as well, and I *am* curious, Anonattorney, what kinds of things you use.

  8. Can anyone recommend a humidifier? We’ve tried the pot of water on the radiator, but my side of the bed is too far away from it and so it isn’t helping. I’ve woken up with a sore throat and dry mouth every day for about 2 weeks now and I’m thinking it might be because it is really dry in our apartment. There are so many options at such a variety of prices on Amazon that I’d love some suggestions. Since I’m not positive it will help, I’d like it to be on the less expensive end.

    2. We bought the Honeywell Germ Free Cool Mist Humidifier (model # HCM-350) for my daughter’s room. It is easy to fill, easy to maintain, and has a decently large capacity so you don’t have to refill it every day. It’s very quiet as well. It has occasionally made clicking noises, but I think it was because we had let it run on empty for too long. It was fine once we refilled the tank and gave it a few minutes.

    3. I have an older Honeywell cool mist and cosign Anon in NYC’s comments – its easy to fill, easy to clean, filters are easily available and don’t break the bank. I’ve also heard (although have nothing to confirm) that cool mist is healthier in that there is less chance of mold, etc.

    4. I have the Crane Drop Shape Ultrasonic Cool Mist Humidifier (bought on Amazon prime). It works great and is easy to clean.

      1. I also have this one I used to use at work (used to because I moved somewhere where I no longer need it, not that it broke), and then a Crane one shaped like a dragon for home:-)

    6. We were given a Venta air humidifier/washer and it is amazing. It is also super expensive, though, but probably ultimately worth the money.

    8. Baby was sick and needed a humidifier, I was tired after being at the ER all night, it seemed.
      We came home, got on Amazon Prime delivers-same-day and bought the most highly-ranked humidifier. Ultrasonic Cool Mist Humidifier – Premium Humidifying Unit with Whisper-quiet Operation, Automatic Shut-off, and Night Light Function.
      It’s been great.

    9. When I have the sore throat/ dry mouth thing it’s nearly always because I’m not drinking enough water, so I typically fix it by drinking a pint of water immediately before heading to sleep. (I have throat issues which means I can’t breathe through my nose, so mouth-breathing exacerbates it)

      1. I’ve been doing my best on this and drinking more water than normal. Thanks for the suggestion though.

    10. I had a fancy expensive one for a few years but found it a pain to clean and also could never remember when I was supposed to replace the filter. I got this Safety First one from Amazon for around $25 this year and am super happy with it. It really helps with dryness (I was having the same issues as you), it’s easy to clean (esp. if you have a bottle brush) and I won’t mind replacing it next year if need be at this price. The only con I can think of is that maybe it works a little too well so setting it on high produces a LOT of steam and makes the water evaporate quickly.
      http://www.amazon.com/Safety-1st-Ultrasonic-Humidifier-Blue/dp/B00CWN8IK2/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1454696333&sr=8-1&keywords=safety+first+humidifier

  9. This is a very 1% complaint, and this is the only place I can make it. I’ve finally gotten my bonus for 2015, and over half of it went to taxes. 45% I was expecting; but it’s almost 60%. (I realize my bonus after taxes is still more than many families in this country make in a year, but really – 60% to taxes!) Maybe I wouldn’t care about paying so much in taxes if I felt like I got good government services as a result. But we don’t be any (american or first-world) standard.

    It so disappointing – I wanted to use this bonus to pay off over half my outstanding student debt so that I could be done with my student loans by the end of the year. I may still be able to make that work, but it will mean cutting back on my budget in other areas. And I already spend over 60% of my take-home pay on student loans. Back to the drawing board this weekend to make my goal of no student loan debt by the end of the year work.

    1. Keep in mind that the withholding is not your actual tax rate. You may get some of this money back when your file next year’s taxes (I assume this counts as 2016 salary) and can funnel it to your student loans then.

      1. Will i? I always get hit by the amt, so never get much back.

        I should spend some time this weekend trying to figure that out. It would make me feel better if I’ll see it in 13 mts

        1. Well, if you don’t get it back then be thankful it was withheld because then you’d end up writing a check for the difference between what was owed and what was withheld.

    2. Your bonus isn’t taxed any higher than your regular pay. The withholding is higher, so you could potentially get some of it back when you file your taxes.

      It’s frustrating that I only see ~55% of my bonus on bonus pay day, but I do like that the heavier withholding rate of my bonus helps offset my overall tax bill at the end of the year, which right now is silly high.

      1. My company withholds at the highest rate for bonuses. I’m definitely not there, so I get a check back in April, and I adjust my withholdings during bonus years to withhold less.

    3. +1 Just because they withheld a lot of money doesn’t mean that you actually owe that much. If you don’t want to wait until next year’s tax return to get it back, you might be able to adjust your withholding on your paycheck now. But that will require running the numbers. If you’re getting your taxes done with an accountant anyway, you could ask them about doing that. http://www.businessinsider.com/why-bonus-taxed-high-2014-12

    4. I believe bonuses are withheld at a higher rate – not taxed at, but withheld. It should come out in the wash when you file your taxes.

    5. I believe your payroll people can adjust your withholding. At least my small employer is willing to. From what I read, the IRS has two different ways of calculating it. One is 25% withholding and the other is treating it as if it was your regular pay all of the time and withholding at what that level would be. You at a minimum should be able to request they change the withholding to 25%. I get a preview of my bonus breakdown and time to adjust withholding and 401K allocation before the check is actually cut. My payroll person said she can’t change the SS and Medicare breakdowns but can basically do anything I want (within reason) on the federal part since their job is to rely on the information we give them about our tax liabilities. They don’t know what our spouses, if applicable, make for instance. Talk to someone about it at work.

    6. I remember getting my 1st “real” paycheck after college, at a real office (yes, BigLaw).
      And I stared at it. So huge.
      And my much older manager said, “I know! They take out so much for taxes, don’t they?!”
      And I was like, “I don’t care. It’s huge!!!”

      But yes, I know what you feel like NOW…..

    7. Check that some didn’t go to your 401k. In my company you have to make special adjustments if you do NOT want your bonus going into your 401k. For me, it’s the difference between 45% and 60%

  10. I really like this but I think I already own too much grey and black…

    Speaking of which, I am currently happy with my work wardrobe and lounging/workout wardrobe, but I have a hard time picking out cute, fun clothes for nights out with friends. I’m in my late 20’s and don’t want to look so “buttoned up” in my social life!

    I’m thinking I need more colourful, casual dresses and am wondering where you ladies find such items. I’m in Canada, so I prefer to buy in Canadian dollars and duty free, if that helps narrow things down ;)

    1. I really like Winners, but know that sorting through the racks is not to everyone’s taste. I also often have good luck with Old Navy.

    2. Just bought a grey mélange swing dress from Old Navy for $11 but there were other colours too…you seriously can’t beat that! I also really like Loft if you are in a city with one.

    3. I like Anthro, if there’s one in your city. I also try to check out local small boutiques in my area, they have great selection, so they’re usually my go-to.

      Otherwise, aritzia has some more fun stuff , as does BCBG Generation.

      Basically, you have a lot of options, you just need to shop with a different eye than you usually do.

      1. You’re totally right! I think I need to bring a friend who has a different eye.

        All great suggestions, thank you all!

    4. You might want one of those curated boxes sent to you. You can pick out the style you want and how often you want it to come.

      1. There aren’t many that ship to Canada, and I think their quality is generally poor/things are overpriced, so, I wouldn’t recommend a curated box

    5. Gap had a similar shaped dress in blue last season and I’ve seen loads still on the sale rail.

  11. I’m on a quest to take better breaks at work–to stop using my downtime to compulsively refresh NYT/Facebook and start doing things that are more productive or beneficial to me. I usually take a break that’s anywhere from 2 to 15 minutes long.

    I have a private office and a good amount of autonomy. I’m especially interested in transferring small tasks that I might currently be doing at home, at least ones that aren’t blatantly inappropriate for an office environment. Some things I have been doing so far are:

    – taking my vitamins
    – getting up and drinking a glass of water
    – opening and dealing with not-very-personal personal mail, which I bring in from home
    – paying bills and easy banking stuff
    – flossing (borderline unprofessional, I know, but I do close my door)

    Any additions?

    2. How about getting in a 5 minute walk for ever hour you work. So if you take a break every 2 hours that’s a 10 minute walk. I read that this is healthy to do.

      Disclaimer: I do not actually do this.

    3. If you have an office that is totally closed when your door is closed, which it sounds like you do, I would incorporate a bit of yoga in as well. If you don’t want to do yoga in work clothes, then a quiet meditation break. I bring my journal with my places also, so I would take that time to jot down thoughts about how I am feeling, what’s going on in my life, etc. These are all things I do anyway, so they may not work or be relevant for you.

    4. – Stretching
      – Planning ahead for the weekend (home improvement project to tackle? Make a list of the supplies you need so that you can confirm what you do/don’t have at home, thereby ensuring that you don’t start off Saturday with a surprise Lowe’s run)
      – Taking care of Amazon/online grocery orders

    5. Stop flossing at your desk. It’s not “borderline” unprofessional is is unhygienic and unacceptable.

      2. I don’t usually feed the trolls, but…I just closed my door and flossed extra well, especially for you, angry Anonymous. My dentist would be proud.

        Thanks to everyone who has contributed suggestions instead of hostility! I will be trying some of these out. I’ve been meaning to start meditating a bit and this seems like a great way to do it.

        1. I have totally flossed at work occasionally. What no one sees won’t hurt them. It’s not like you’re changing your tamp*n or something, geeze.

    6. – Plan menu and shopping list, order groceries online
      – Write birthday/anniversary/greetings cards
      – Balance check book/check credit card statement

    8. I file my nails (always with the door closed) and will often do this on conference calls, as well (again, door closed). I also make reservations, doctor/other appointments, meal plan, check bank/credit card accounts, respond to texts, and check my personal email.

    10. Go to the bathroom! I’ve been all over the Pomodoros and I try to finish my glass of water and get up to pee for every/every other 5 minute break. (Although right now I’m here :)

    11. Knit 1-5 rounds on a sock project. It helps me feel like I can achieve something even on those days when everything is going wrong.

      I often use this kind of time to check my two online banking apps on my phone and make sure my Goodbudget is up to date.

  12. Looking for a bag recommendation: I am a senior govt attorney, so my office isn’t too formal, but I still want to look professional. Would like one bag that is easy to carry and less than $300. Currently hauling to and from work: laptop & charger (not daily but a couple times a week), 100 pages in document file, pumped breast milk, lunch, wallet, umbrella, planner/notebook, gym clothes (no shoes). I take the train (4 block walk on either side of commute). And on the way home I pick up 2 kids under 3 from daycare. The daycare pick up timing is really tight so I don’t have time to drop everything at home and then go get the kids–have to do it on walk home from train. Any good recommendations? Should I just go with a backpack? Thanks!!

      1. I have the 15″ and it’s not great if you have oddly shaped things like multiple pump bottles and gym clothes. I’d skip it for this use.

    2. Go with a backpack – you might be able to find one where the straps zip into a pocket so you can use it as a backpack for your commute/child wrangling and over the shoulder or messenger style at the office.

      Also, you are my hero – that is not an easy commute. Pat yourself on the back for making it work.

    3. Until the kids part, I was going to recommend a tote, but… you need a backpack. 2 kids under 3 means you’ve gotta keep those hands free.

    4. For those suggesting backpacks, is there one you can recommend? I have a similar situation, but with one kid and another on the way

    5. I just got the Lo & Sons OMG after reading about it and stalking it for several months. It was 40% off (and still is, I think), which came to about $170. I cannot say enough good things about it — it’s light but holds a lot, extremely comfortable on my shoulder even loaded down with my laptop, papers, etc. I’m so glad I got it and glad I waited to get it 40% off.

  13. Holy sh*t, this is perfect for me, and it’s actually $22 in cart – so I can afford to get 2 sizes and not worry it won’t fit!

  14. Any recommendations for Canadian resources for work clothes? I just got my first big girl office job (previously worked in childcare where my work clothes were very casual). I need a whole new business casual wardrobe. Feeling very overwhelmed! I’m cusp sized (14/16, big bust) which makes it more difficult. Plus, with the Canadian dollar being so bad and outrageous prices for international shipping, I’m hesitant to order from American sites like JCrew, Loft, etc. We do have a Nordstrom in my city but it’s quite small and doesn’t have a big selection. So, where do you Canadians get your work clothes? Thanks all!

    1. I do most of my office wear shopping at Banana Republic, but refuse to pay full price. With free shipping/returns and emailed promo codes, it’s hard to go wrong if you see something you like online.

      Ann Taylor is nice if you have one in your city (not online – they charge for shipping & duty).

      I am not sure if you can order from Nordstrom online and return in-person, that would be a great option (they have duty free promos every once in a while).

      The Bay generally has a lot of options, but because brands vary in size so dramatically you really have to shop in-person. I don’t have any go-to brands at the Bay and would love to hear if any other Canadian ‘rettes have recommendations there…

      1. I actually got my interview suit at The Bay, it’s by Ellen Tracy. Polyester mix, unfortunately, but it was reasonably priced and looks great.

      2. I was thinking the same thing about Nordstrom – you might also be able to order from within the store (which should be free to you) with the help of an associate.

        1. I had forgotten that Nordstrom lets you order for free from within the store. Great idea, thanks!!

      3. Sorry, my previous reply is sitting in moderation and I’m not sure why…I bought my interview suit from The Bay and it’s by Ellen Tracy. I like it a lot and the brand has lots of business clothes.

    2. I’m built differently so YMMV but – Banana Republic and Gap and even sometimes Old Navy – especially online where all three they have sizes they don’t have in my small city store. Also, RW (Montreal based company – great stuff but not sure about sizing for you); Simons (they are online if you’re not in QC); Hudson’s Bay; Rickis (this would work for you size wise – good to fill out a work wardrobe quickly and you can upgrade later).HTH

    3. Well, we have J.Crew in Canada, so I shop there quite a lot, and J.Crew online does Canadian prices and covers the duty, so I would actually really recommend them. I used to be around that size and they have 14/16 sizes.

      Otherwise, Banana Republic, maybe Laura (though keep an eye out, they can run frumpy), Femme de Carriere, Club Monaco, Express can be okay, Aritiza

      1. I used to go to Femme de Carriere and dream of being able to afford it all. LOVE their stuff. Now I’m somewhere without a store :(

    4. J. Crew covers the duty for online ordering and free ship promos apply to Canada as well so honestly, I have so much J. Crew work stuff. They do sell some suits in store (usually one basic black 120s wool) as well as work dresses. If you can get to an Ann Taylor (particularly during one of their promos), I would highly recommend it. I don’t find their prices to be insane (better than the website, IIRC) in store and they have so much nice work stuff and quite a large size range (they are very vanity sized). Order from Nordstrom – the exchange sucks, but the shipping and duty is reasonable. Express has some basics. Femme de Carriere is okay as well although sometimes pricey. Reitmans is surprisingly not bad, same with RW& Co.

      1. A friend of mine recommended Reitmans as well and I’m impressed by their prices and the size selection online. Do you know if they have the same size range in store?

        I do like J Crew and I know they cover the duty, but returning is such a pain! I once paid almost $30 shipping to send a box back. They only go up to size 12 in store so I have to order online.

    5. I love all the Canadian shopping discussions today.

      For comparison: I’m a 12-14, v. short and not busty. The problem with being a cusp size is that often the straight size blazer is too tight in the arms, but the plus version OF THE SAME SIZE is huge. Or the petite ends at a size 12, when I really need a 14 jacket. (And THIS is why i only have pants from Banana Republic).

      My suits are generally from Laura (Louben Petite has the best proportions for my body) but try things on–as the earlier poster said, they can be frumpy and old, but are a great source for classic suits–and never pay full price for anything! Stalk the sales.

      You said business casual, so I suspect you probably won’t need to suit up. For basics, Rickis, The Bay (my favourite suit ever is from there–the brand is Precis Petite, although recently they have been super mother-of-the-bride and not work appropriate), and Winners for interesting tops. My small city has a Jones New York factory outlet, and it has some great dresses in regular and plus sizes. (I can’t wear the suits but the dresses fit me.)

      All my black pants used to be from Reitmans (~8 years ago) but they seem to only have stretchy waisted, very plastic-y feeling pants now. Their website store locator tells you what each store carries, if that helps. Marks has some surprisingly decent options too, and are machine-washable–I wore my grey flannel pants with my Queen’s Bench robes for ages.

      1. Thanks so much for all the great ideas. I totally feel you re: swimming in plus sizes. I forgot to mention that I’m petite as well, which is why plus sized clothes don’t work on me even though technically I should be able to fit into them. They’re always huge.

        I bought a dress for a wedding from Precis Petite at the Bay this summer and liked it a lot, thanks for the reminder. I will see what else the Bay has from that line.

        1. You get it! And it’s totally possible to find things that fit that don’t make you look like either a snausage or a child playing dress up, but it shouldn’t be as hard as it is to look like an adult professional when you’re not a standard size.

          Oh and also! Decent shoes. They will help with your confidence AND looking polished. Not necessarily heels, just not sneakers/flipflops. (I struggle with this too because I have absurdly small feet but don’t want to *look* like my shoes are from Naturalizer, or the kids’ section at the Superstore).

          Finally! Joe Fresh. Seriously, the t-shirts are my under-suit basic.

        2. Joe Fresh is great. They were doing these beautiful silk blouses for a while that I loved.

          I’m in Toronto so we probably have more store options but I shop at:
          – aritzia (ok, so a lot of it is trendy teen stuff, but they do have gorgeous blouses and sometimes beautifully made blazers. I got my 2nd favourite suit there. But you do have to be willing to put up with the atmosphere a bit). I have to size up when I shop there.
          – RW&Co- now its not formal enough for me, but I wore it a lot when I was working in a more bus cas environment
          – Judith and Charles- made in montreal, gorgeous dresses, a lot of business formal. A favourite of my friends in finance and law!
          – Hugo Boss- this is where I get my high-stakes suits cause they fit so darn perfectly. Worth watching for sales too!
          – Banana Republic
          – Ricki’s
          – Club monaco- very good for basic skirts and dresses. Decent suiting in tropical wool. The blouses often have annoying details like sheer backs or bows that I hate.
          – Anne Taylor/Loft
          – Le Chateau- its totally unexpected because I remember this as a place I bought trendy party dresses in high school, but they make nice sweaters and blouses in a wide range of styles. They do tend to make things a bit tight/body con for my work environment but I just size everything up

          That’s all I can think of right now!

    6. The one time I visited Montreal in 2010, I bought like $200 worth at Addition-Elle and still wear several of the pieces. Best quality? No. But I thought their selection was better than Lane Bryant (argh) and more contemporary than Macy’s.

    7. I’m about your size and agree with all the above (Banana, the Bay, J Crew sometimes, Nordstrom). I love Ann Taylor and wish it was in my city. I have luck at Talbots for basics as well.

    8. Lots of great recommendations.

      I really miss Jacob – but I saw a store in Montreal this summer, so they aren’t closed everywhere.

      I’ve had some luck with Cleo. They definitely skew old lady frumpy, but they have fantastic sales and I’ve got some gems for cheap. I also like their jewelry.

      And Marks Work Wearhouse can have some decent basics sometimes. Their tee shirts are nice thick fabric and not see through.

  15. I enjoyed the political discussion yesterday. Do any of you ladies follow the Gin and Tacos blog / Facebook page? It’s written by a young poly sci professor of liberal bent and is mostly about skewering the media coverage of politics. It’s not for the faint of heart / politically correct but it’s scathingly funny.

  16. How do you know a relationship is right for you? How do you know when to stay together and when to break it off? When do you give the relationship more time?

    I’m 34, divorced, and have been dating someone for 5 months. You’d think I’d know the answers to the above questions based on the fact that I’ve been married, but I got married young and there wasn’t a lot of thought involved ha.

    If things are going well, and you agree on all the big stuff, but aren’t sure about a future together, how long do you wait to figure it out? I don’t have an articulable reason for breaking up and I’m afraid what I’m doing is that I’m bored and waiting for the next step (move in together! engagement! marriage! children!) to make me feel special again like when we were first dating. (Our lives both kind of suck right now, so we’ve fallen into a very “been married for years” pattern of talking about work, then watching tv.) But real life IS “hey, we’re both dealing with some stuff, let’s just watch tv and hang out”…isn’t it?

    Thoughts? Input? I know this is vague and rambly.

    1. It’s only been 5 months, that is still new dating territory in my book. It’s way too soon to think about moving in together, marriage, children, etc – just enjoy it and see where it goes. If you’re not feeling special, think about why – is sitting around watching tv not cutting it for you? Change it up.

      1. disagree. At 34 she doesn’t have a ton of time if she wants a couple kids – no need to rush into marriage but 5 months is a reasonable amount of time to start discussions about where things are going. at 34 I wouldn’t spend a year with someone only to find out they’re not interested in marrying me.

        1. If she wants to settle to have children and she likes him fine, then staying with him is a solid choice. But does she want to settle?

        2. This comment REALLY made me think.

          I want a family, yes, but I don’t need biological children like some women do. I’m lonely and want to be part of a family fold; since mine is nearly non-existent, someone else’s nieces and nephews and aunts and uncles are as close as I’ll ever get. And I would like to build my own if the opportunity presented itself.

          And I also really want the turbulence of my life to quit, and (I’m not proud to admit), my thinking has unconsciously been, if I’m in a settled relationship, then I can check that off the list and not worry about that. Everything in my life is up in the air and I just want ONE thing to be squared away. Job, no, my parents, no, relationship, ok! That’s what’s driving me to rush…

          Wow, big insight today, and at much cheaper rates than my therapist ;)

    2. Sounds like you’re just not that into him. If you were into him and he was likewise really into you, I think you’d fall into the next steps seamlessly.

      I was married right out of college and then divorced at 33. I started dating immediately but found that because I was really used to being in a relationship, I was expecting very committed behavior from people right away. Every man I had more than a couple of dates with I would consider my “boyfriend.”

      And for one reason or another those budding relationships kind of petered out. The first “boyfriend” seemed like he was kind of into me (he spent a lot of time into me, if you catch my drift) but then I went on a business trip across the country. My mistake was calling him to check in while I was on the trip. His reaction was more or less, why are you calling me? We had been “dating” for about a month so I thought we were in a relationship when I guess we really weren’t.

      There were two more semi-boyfriends and just as I was getting the hang of more casual dating & not being too serious, bam, I met my now-husband. And things just flew along. It was obvious pretty much from the start that we were going to move forward in a committed way. We didn’t have to think about it too much.

      I hope you find someone like that and get a little more dating experience under your belt. I’m worried you’re thinking that just because you haven’t broken up means this guy is the one.

      1. Are you me? Because so much of this is ringing true for me.

        The beginning of our relationship was amazing, things were flying along, the first few dates were more romantic than anything Hollywood could come up with, we were connecting on a really deep level. We met each other’s families over Christmas. But we’re into the daily grind of life now. Both New Guy and I are used to being in committed relationships, and so we’ve fallen into very couple-y behavior. And I guess I’m left here wondering if I *do* like him all that much. The beginning was certainly amazing! A large part of me thinks that because our lives are so crappy now with outside things that I owe it to us and to myself to hang on until life calms down and we get to be in good places again. (Should be this summer.) What if he’s the one and I bail early? There’s certainly no chance of my meeting anyone else between now and this summer with the way my life is, so I could just hang out and see. But AGH is that how you’re supposed to make relationship decisions?

        What happened with you and the two semi-boyfriends you mentioned? How did you know to break up with them?

        3. Ha! The former semi-boyfriends. The last one was someone who made laugh a lot and he was great in bed. I learned a lot! No regrets!

          But one day, in bed of course, he brought it up. He said something along the lines of “we’re having fun here but I don’t see this leading to something really serious and I want to make sure we’re on the same page.” Truthfully, I had been thinking about a future (and trying to stop myself from doing that) but as soon as he said that I realized he was right. We were too different and I know we wouldn’t have made each other happy out of bed. And we did continue to “see” each other for a while, but I started dating again.

          The former wasn’t as long lasting and I just kind of ghosted him. Not 100% because if he reached out to me I responded. But I decided to stop initiating contact because I had started to suspect that the relationship was very one-sided, and that all the effort was coming from me.

          Of course he initiated very little. I thought the whole thing just kind of petered out but to my great surprise, he showed up literally on my doorstep about a month later to ask if I wanted to go to dinner. So I finally had to officially break up with him.

          I don’t know what advice I have to give you other than commiseration. I definitely can relate on being a commitment person.

          I just think you need to get out there more. Dating other people at this point would probably be a jerk move, but how about spending more time away from this guy, getting to know yourself as an individual and not part of a couple? Take a trip alone to visit far away friends or check out a city you’ve never been to.

          You might find you miss him. You might find that you don’t. It will be very telling.

        4. It sounds like you have really unrealistic expectations. Most people never have the Hollywood-type grand gestures from their partners, and for those that do, they typically stop way before 5 months of dating. If you don’t like this guy, you don’t like him, and it’s fine to dump him, but I’m skeptical that any guy will live up to what it sounds like your expectations of dating are.

    3. When it’s right, it’s just so obvious. You have everything to say to each other and a lifetime doesn’t seem like nearly enough time. There are no questions.

        1. I like and love my guy and think he would be a good life partner and a good parent and we have the same values and do fun stuff together. But is a lifetime not nearly enough time for everything we have to say to each other? No. That’s plenty of time. It’s only been 5 years and I already know I want him to STFU sometimes like when I haven’t had my coffee yet or I’m trying to watch the Bachelor. I’m not convinced about this magical “the one” where you just “know.”

          1. i just laughed out loud at your sentence that you sometimes want him to just STFU…totally agree! i’ve been married now 5 years and dated my husband for 4 years before that, and while our relationship is wonderful, there are so many times i want him to STFU.

          2. Thank you! I worry sometimes with the magical experience ladies on this blog talk about.

        1. Well, maybe not “everything to say to each other,” but it was really easy and obvious from the beginning. Now married and together for 5 years, it still feels easy. Not to say that we don’t have to sometimes work at how to handle areas where we differ, but being with him is a joy, not a challenge.

    4. What worked for me was giving up the preconceived notion of what relationships are supposed to be. Date, fall in love, move in, then engagement, then marriage, then kids, blah blah blah. I realized I was overthinking/over planning every step or every relationship I had. It was destroying me and my relationships. I’ve been dating someone now for 5 months and I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time.

      I’ll should probably add that I don’t have any relationship “goals”. I’m done having children and I could care less about getting remarried.

      1. Yeah, that is a great plan but only if you really don’t have any goals like marriage or children.

        I always say Gentleman Friend and I get along so swimmingly because there’s not a lot at stake — we each have a house, I have my one grown kid and he has none, there are no financial issues, our careers are set… what’s not to be smooth? (Although once in a blue moon I do think “I don’t want to marry him, but I kinda want him to want to marry me!” LOL)

        It’s a lot harder when you’re younger and looking for somebody to make a family with.

  17. I’m going out of town for a wedding next week to a destination much warmer and sunnier than the one I sit in currently. So antsy. Only 2 more workdays to get through…

  18. This might be an AAM question, but for people who are managing people in transactional environments with a portfolio, how do you stay on top of everything? I manage a deal team of 2-3 that manage 15 deals each. I also manage a few of my own. In addition, the team is working on 5-8 new deals at any given time with multiple business development people, and the BD person handles a lot of the early deal negotiations (so we aren’t part of a key process there, by org design). Deal merge is especially tough since we focus on one industry.

    My task list has been well honed over years in this environment – by deal, task, and things I’m waiting on, but the scope of all these deals are just tough.

    Even after years of this, I’m not the manager I’d like to be – sharp, on it, up to date on deals. My inbox is just a constant flow of emails without an easy way to give myself context/background.

    Am I expecting too much of myself? Any tricks you all use to manage this type of environment?

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