ByElizabeth Hours Updated
Comments 279 Comments

Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Alfie Blazer in Gramercy Twill

A woman with long brown hair wearing a camel-colored blazer with matching top and tailored pants, with earrings

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Hello fall, hello camel blazers! The J.Crew Alfie blazer is a new-to-me cut. The slightly oversized fit makes it perfect for wearing with slimmer-cut bottoms.

I would wear this with some dark denim for an authoritative look for a casual office or with a pair of ivory pants for this summer-fall transitional period.

The blazer is $198 at J.Crew and comes in classic sizes 00–24, petite sizes 00–12, and tall sizes 2–16. Note that the “mauve blush” color is on sale for $157.99.

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Sales of note for 12.5

279 Comments

  1. Elizabeth, I love the Cappuchino color, and guess what? It’s 19% off in all colors today, at $159.50!!!! You should tell the HIVE so that they can get it quickly, as it is a very versitile Blazer that can be worn with either a pencil skirt or slacks that are matching, so I am going to show the manageing partner this morning when he gets in.

    We are all back to work “IN OFFICE” now and it’s great! We also do NOT have to be mask’ed up if we don’t want to but whenever the Teck guy comes in, I put my mask on b/c I do not want him stareing at me. I do not think he had much attention from people during the lockdown, and now he has been hanging around me and Lynn all day yesterday, even tho he has other cleints in the building, I do not think they really want him hanging around with his ZZ Top Tee shirt and dirty Wrangler Jeans. I can’t say that I blame them b/c I do NOT think he EVER washes those jeans.

  2. This seems to obscure the wearer’s shape. Not sure if that is a feature or a bug in clothing these days.

  3. Going to a baby shower and the invitation says “no boxed gifts.” Does that mean the couple wants cash only? This seems weird at a baby shower since the whole point of a shower is presents for the new baby to be. Can I give a small present AND a check? Also, what’s an appropriate amount if a whole family is invited? I would normally spend $50-75 on a present but it feels weird to give someone a $75 check.

    1. Personally, I would not give cash at a baby shower, barring extreme circumstances. If they don’t want “boxed gifts” I would make a contribution to a diaper bank in honor of the family.

    2. It means “give us money” and I think it’s super duper tacky. I would give a $50 check and call it a day. I don’t think number of invited family members matters much – the cost per person is much lower for the host than at a wedding, and the host isn’t the gift recipient anyway.

      1. +1 I have NEVER heard of the saying “no boxed gifts” in my many decades on this planet. Honestly, I’m impressed to have heard a new one today. It is INSANELY tacky. Yes, the size of boxes at baby showers can get insane, and a super-pregnant mom to be can have trouble moving and opening them all, but get a couple ladies to help her! Sheesh.

        If I were in this situation, I would go to the store and pick out cute baby clothes and soft toys (bc duh that’s fun) and put them in a gift bag. Here ya go! No box included!

        1. If you google it, it seems common at South Asian/Indian weddings to indicate cash gifts. Which I understand is cultural; it just seems very strange at a shower.

          1. Yes my best friend is Indian and this is standard wedding invite language in her culture. That said she had a wedding shower and baby shower where she got physical gifts. Physical gifts are the whole point of a shower, so asking for cash or gift card for these occasions seems weird.

          2. I have definitely heard of “cash only please” (not limited to specific groups…) or cash registries, but I’ve never heard of “no boxes” specifically.

    3. I’d do a $50 gift card to Target (if you’ve got one around you and the couple is local to the area), possibly a favorite children’s book that your kids loved. I’ve seen “flat gifts preferred”, especially when a couple is from out of town – whether for a wedding or shower, but never “no boxed gifts”. Maybe I’m a grump, but it seems uncharitable, especially if the couple is not traveling where gifts would be unwieldly.

    4. I would ask the host what it means. It might not be a cash grab. Honestly, it could mean don’t wrap/box your gift. That’s a “newish” trend, I believe, because it’s both sustainable and cuts down event time if gifts don’t have to be unwrapped.

      1. I always gift things in a nice resuseable grocery tote, maybe people think I’m weird, but I like to think of it as reducing waste and a ‘bonus’ gift to th recipient.

        1. I think that sounds lovely! I also think paper bags are equally sustainable because they can be reused, so for a “more sustainable” option, get a generic one with glitter in neutral colors, so the recipient can re-use it for any occasion, not just a baby shower.

          1. Yes, I love giving gifts in reusable shopping bags. Everyone needs them and it’s way less wasteful than wrapping paper. I loathe wrapping paper.

          2. I have several friends who do this and at this point I’m just trashing the reusable shopping bag. Nobody needs more of these.

          3. Agree with SES. The amount of use you need to get out of each bag to make it more environmentally friendly than paper bags is staggering!

          4. Hey can you send those reusable bags my way? They charge for bags here – paper bags! Plastic bags aren’t even an option.

          5. Rather than throwing away the bags could you regift or donate them, put them on a local Buy Nothing group, etc? I’m all for decluttering aggressively, but this seems needlessly wasteful.

          6. When people Give me something that I can’t use, I trash it. I’m not spending time trying to rehome a grocery bag.

          7. I always think putting something like reusable grocery bags in a Buy Nothin group is just enabling a hoarder.

      2. +1 I’ve been to a few unwrapped bridal showers. I love them, no one actually enjoys watching the bride (or mom to be) unwrap a bunch of dish towels/onesies. You get to mingle and nosh and do everything else but you don’t have to spend an hour oohing and ahhing over gifts you don’t care about. If you do care about the gifts, you can look at them on the table (they’re usually presented nicely).

        So, I’d check with the parents but I’d assume they meant unwrapped but wrote unboxed.

        1. That also sounds nice! I do agree that the “unwrapping” portion of the party can drag on and be awkward. It might even be fun to note in the invitation: “We will be presenting the bride/mom with her gifts on a gift table, so please bring items unwrapped for everyone to admire!”

          1. Yes, for as much as I hateddd bridal/baby showers I love modern ones. The best bridal shower I went to was a co-ed unboxed shower, it was literally just a backyard bbq to give everyone a chance to celebrate the couple and to give different groups of their friends and family a chance to meet before the wedding. No unwrapping, no games, no mandatory fun.

            Even my very old school mom has agreed that this is the best way to do it!

            Late 20s, I’d say half of my friends are doing these showers and half of my friends are still doing traditional showers.

      3. This is very odd to me but makes sense. I think if they wanted cash gifts they would do the equivalent of a honeymoon fund in their online registry.

      4. That’s what I thought this meant: don’t wrap the gifts because the mother to be isn’t going to make everyone coo for a half hour while she performatively opens them.

          4. Wonder if it’s the same cranky commenter with a need to Sh!t on people from yesterday. Someone needs to take a nap.

          5. I’m not cranky and I didn’t post yesterday? It’s absolutely a thing and it means what it means.

      5. I went to what was called a “display” shower where they asked that gifts be unwrapped. They were set on a table so you could see what was given, but didn’t have to sit through the unwrapping of the gifts. The bride is pretty green, so it was a way to avoid a bit of waste. As a guest, I liked it. But I could see “no boxed gifts” as being a “money strongly preferred” statement, but I always thought the point of a shower was to get actual gifts, so it seems weird. Do they have a registry?

      6. No boxed gifts means cash. It isn’t unclear and doesn’t mean No wrapped gifts. You’ll look passive aggressive if you ask.

        2. I disagree, it’s not common enough as evidenced here by the zillion comments. If you’re doing something new for most people, expect questions.

        3. It’s not passive aggressive to ask a sincere question. The fact that commenters here have different ideas about this phrase shows that the meaning isn’t clear to everyone.

        4. um it’s pretty obviously unclear based on the number of us on the thread who have never encountered this phrase before.

        5. I have seen this on invitations (birthdays, weddings etc) and it is super common in my communities (S Asian, in California) – it means cash only. 100% clear.

      7. Ok I’m glad you proposed this explanation. I hope the OP clarifies and lets us know!

        Unless I knew the couple well and knew they were in a bad financial spot, I would never give cash at a baby shower. I’d give bags of diapers and burp cloths (two things that will always be useful) before cash. My pearls are firmly clutched if this is code for “give us cash,” and that is monumentally rude.

    6. I agree with the commenters above, I think there’s probably more of an explanation that isn’t coming through. I would give a couple books + gift card.

      1. I have seen this on several South Asian wedding invites, maybe it has spilled over to baby showers?

        1. It makes a lot of sense for weddings, actually – because box-y larger gifts are often a PITA thing to coordinate on the day/evening of a wedding. I don’t super get it for a shower – literally the point of is to shower gifts, so you’d think dealing with the boxes/gifts wouldn’t be such a big deal. Unless the couple doesn’t live in the area and has to travel with the gifts or ship them.

          1. Does anyone even bring gifts to weddings ? I still see people bring cards with checks but if someone buys a gift, it’s almost exclusively done online and shipped to the couple , no?

          2. I would never bring a physical gift to a wedding. That stuff gets shipped straight to the couple.

          3. For South Asian weddings “no boxed gifts” means give cash or gift card only. It does not mean “ship the gift to the couple’s home.”
            Source: have been in several Indian weddings.

          4. You’re never supposed to bring a physical gift to a wedding. You have it delivered to the couple ahead of time.

    7. I would ask the host, but my first instinct is that this is going to be a display shower (don’t wrap your gift, everything will be out on a table so people can coo at baby clothes, but no one has to sit through an hour of unwrapping).

      If it’s “money only” that is the tackiest thing I’ve ever heard.

    8. It means they only want cash. Yes it’s rude. Don’t bring a gift they told you not to. I spend $100 buying baby gifts usually but would only give $50 in a check.

    9. Ask if they mean bring unwrapped gifts – some baby showers now just display all the gifts on a table to be admired and forego the one by one opening.

    10. Might be the odd millennial out, but I honestly love giving cash and gift cards to weddings, showers, etc., especially if there is a dedicated fund towards something (some fun ones lately I’ve given to: 1. a fund for outdoor / mountaineering equipment and 2. an animal fund to put towards adopting various pets and farm animals). Simpler for me and the couple actually gets to pick out what they want.

      1. I think it’s great if you like giving cash! My objection for a shower is being told to give cash. The point of a shower is to receive gifts. If you don’t want gifts, don’t have a shower. But if someone likes coming to showers and bringing cash or gift cards, go for it!

        1. Editing to state that if it’s a normal cultural practice for someone (people above mentioned some East Asian cultures), then that’s different. Where I am (southern US), asking for cash is not done.

        2. Yeah I don’t mind giving cash, and will give it if it’s a close friend and I know that’s what they really want. But I still think ordering your guests to give you cash is extremely tacky, especially at a shower where the entire point of the event is watching the mother to be or bride to be open gifts. Even at weddings, I don’t like it because it puts guests on a tight budget in a very awkward position. We had some registry items under $20 and some of our guests were in grad school on a tight budget and got us those really cheap items. For a lot of people, giving a low dollar value gift is a lot less embarrassing than giving a low dollar amount in cash.

        3. +a bajillion to your second to last sentence!!

          I always give checks / GC’s / honeyfund contribution at weddings but will always bring a physical gift to showers (presumably bc that’s why they’re having a shower). Especially baby showers.

    11. I would ask the host/hostess to clarify (breezily- “hey does ‘no boxed gifts’ mean to leave presents unwrapped or does she want cash?”). I have been to a LOT of showers and some have asked that we not wrap presents– I would assume that’s what “no boxed gifts” means although I’ve never heard it phrased that way.

      The idea is that the presents are already open and on display for the aunties and such to coo over without having to sit and watch the mom unwrap each one.

    12. Hi. So I see a lot of pearl clutching and just want to say…I’m Indian and this is 100% normal for invitations to big events. I would not bat an eye. It means bring cash, check, or GCs. Registries and whatnot are just not a thing in many Eastern cultures, but giving cash at occasions is. Also, the Indian baby shower isn’t just a typical shower and often has some Hindu/religious aspects that make it more of an event.

      It sounds like this may be an Asian event given that the whole family is invited. I think $50-75 is fine.

    15. I super don’t understand this group’s aversion to cash gifts. like stop calling it tacky. Many cultures gift cash. It’s completely normal and nothing tacky about it. Geez.

      1. Just to add, people don’t always know what their baby will want/prefer or what they will want and preferred, so it’s actually practical to just ask for cash and purchase things as they see fit.

        1. Do you have kids?? Our friends gave us the following for baby shower presents:
          Sheets
          blankets
          decorative comforter
          stuffed animals
          books
          diapers
          massive box of wipes
          diaper rash cream
          baby bather
          onesies, socks, a cute suit
          towels
          rattle
          two chairs (one bouncy, one swing)

          None of that requires knowing what your baby likes, and some of the way you figure out what they like is by giving them a variety of toys.

          1. Yes, I have a kid. And I am telling you that there are definitely things I got that I did not use and would have preferred not to receive because it’s wasteful and creates clutter. My biggest pet peeve as a parent is receiving unwanted gifts that just end up creating clutter. And I am fine communicating that I prefer cash and I’m grateful that I don’t have friends like some of these commenters lol.

          2. Most people register for showers, so it’s not like you’re getting a bunch of random gifts you have no interest in. But also no one is saying you have to keep every random gift you receive. It’s ok to return or donate things you don’t want so they don’t clutter up your house. It’s the demanding cash (especially if you’re affluent and settled into a comfortable upper middle class life) that’s problematic. I might feel differently if we’re talking about a young, single mom who’s trying to get on her feet, but if you’re in your 30s, a high-earner and married, I’m sorry, asking your friends to give you cash is tacky AF. I don’t care what culture you come from.

          3. Thank you, Anon at 2:52 pm.

            I loathe clutter. We have a very small space, so there isn’t room for random stuff. Our friends respect that and got us stuff that we needed, not gigantic pieces of plastic. We ended up donating a lot of it after the first year because he outgrew it.

      2. It’s not tacky to give someone cash. It’s tacky to demand your guests give you cash. Do you really not see the difference?

      3. It’s completely fine to gift cash and for that to be a cultural expectation. But if it IS a cultural expectation, there should be no need to call it out in writing on the invitation, it should just be understood. It’s basically directing your guests 1) to give you a gift and 2) the exact nature of the gift that is rude.

        1. It’s really not. I’m Chinese and I have non-Chinese friends who may not know my norms, why is it rude to include a note? You all really need to get out more.

          1. But you need to follow the cultural norms of the place you live and are having the event at least to some degree. Unless this event is in Asia and/or only Asian guests are invited (which I’m guessing is not the case, given that OP is confused by this language), I don’t think “this is how we do it in Asian culture” is an excuse. Guests who know the cultural norms may choose to give cash which is of course their prerogative, but it’s rude to dictate what other guests bring.

          2. I’m Asian (non Indian, non Chinese) also with a cash tradition, and we don’t explicitly mention it ever. It’s understood among those who are familiar with the tradition, and for those who aren’t, we actually sign up for a gift registry just in case people ask.

          3. Does only your culture matter here? A direct request for cash like this is considered rude to many of your friends based on their culture. Doesn’t that matter? Don’t you want to know that.

            It’s rude in my culture and I would not attend a “no boxed gifts” baby shower. A shower is “to shower with gifts” – the whole point is gifts and everyone gets to see the baby clothes and gadgets and see the expectant parents’ delight at receiving the gift. If I’m throwing cash money at someone, that’s not a shower, that’s a strip club.

      5. I’m an American Born Chinese and am completely fine with giving cash at events.

        But I’m with the pearl clutches here and think asking for cash at a “Shower” is super gauche. And it just makes you seem clueless.

        This is not a wedding, which is a synonymous across cultures but can have different gift giving expectations. “Baby Showers” and “Bridal/Wedding Showers” are specific to American culture and the tradition is for physical gifts (or GC’s) to be given— but not cash.

        The host is calling it the event a Baby SHOWER and asking for money. Don’t use the terminology if you don’t know what it stands for. It confuses guests who actually know “Shower” etiquette.

        Words matter. Call the event something else—“Welcome Baby LastName Party” can work.

    16. Today I learned that the purpose of a shower is to watch gifts unwrapped. I always thought it was to celebrate the impending birth!!!!! I guess I didn’t think about the name.

      1. The original purpose was to “shower” the recipient with gifts. It comes from a time when people used to get married and have babies when they were young and didn’t have much money or stuff. My husband’s colleagues threw him a baby shower when I was in law school and expecting our child, and I can tell you we were very grateful that they went in together and bought the two most expensive things on our registry, the stroller and the car seat. For the older, richer set that tends to read here, I think baby shower gifts should be small sentimental things or nothing at all. Certainly not cash. I have seen a lot of book showers aimed at building the baby’s library, which are nice.

        2. Yes, and that is, actually, what we do in my family, based on the parents’ needs. I just never had framed it that way in my mind.

      2. I thought it was to get tipsy and come up with the most inappropriate responses during the games. At least that’s how I do them.

  4. I need a perimenopause and menopause manual. I was initially happy re the prospect of no periods (enter, stage left, the internal Sahara). Heart attack risk goes up because no estrogen (and friends). Like men. But osteoporosis risk goes up because no estrogen (and friends), which is not like men at all. Ugh. Make it make sense (undergrad obviously not in science, but now I am interested in the science of all this). Recommendations (much of what I have turned up is very woo and healing crystals, which is not going to cut it).

    1. I believe you want to google Dr. Jen Gunter, and also reexamine your love affair with parentheses.

      1. *snort* I am also a parentheses abuser (sometimes) and I agree with the rec for Jen Gunter

    2. menopause manifesto
      many including Gunter talk about fiber’s work in balancing hormones like estrogen with the others – beans, popcorn, avocado, blueberries
      by “(and friends)” do you mean estrogen & other hormones or estrogen & social interaction?

      1. Estrogen and all of the other associated hormones that ebb around the same time. Estrogen is the main one but not the only one IIRC.

        1. yes i understand that there are multiple hormones i just didn’t understand the parentheticals

          1. I was very curious why menopause made you lose your friends. That was news to me :)

          1. Ahhh, well, that is a great reason to use the scroll bar. Perhaps it would help you not get so stressed about perfectly normal questions.

      3. Seriously? How old are you? 25? I’m menopausal and it’s not for the faint of heart. And it’s not really discussed. The panoply of side effects and body changes are crazy. And it’s not just the stopping of your period and hot flashes. Seconding the Menopause Manifesto and following Dr. Gunter on the gram.

      4. Well, perhaps there are things that can be done. You don’t have to just deal with everything these days. People told generations of women that stress incontinence was normal and now we all go to pelvic floor pt instead, for example.

        1. And it is nice to be able to identify menopause as a potential/probable cause of something versus an unknown cause needing investigation. Jeez.

    5. Risks aren’t guarantees and risk of all causes of injury and death goes up as you get older.
      Do you have a family history of heart disease? If you do, then make sure your healthcare providers know about it and can plan your care accordingly.
      Likewise with osteoporosis. If you don’t already do any sort of weight bearing work or exercise, now is a great time to start.
      For me, menopause is 1000X better than what I dealt with before and I’ll take the increased risk of whatever any day over what I was dealing with re: cramps, bleeding, fibroids, endometriosis, etc.

    6. I (just yesterday) had an appointment with a MD who specializes in women’s healthcare during and after menopause, and it was extremely helpful. I decided that hormone replacement therapy is a no brainer for me – will mitigate annoying symptoms of menopause, prevent bone loss, improve heart health, may protect against neurodegenerative diseases like Parkinsons and Alzheimers. Small increased risk of breast cancer was less a factor for me, because I’ve had a hysterectomy and therefore don’t need progesterone supplement, which is apparently the main driver for increased breast cancer incidence. In any event, consult was very informative. Recommend.

    7. You may also want to read the Estrogen Matters by Bluming and Tavris. Discusses research on esrogen replacement.

  5. I love to see when people share good news here, so I’m sharing my good news– I just found out I got into a Creative Writing MFA program!! Writing programs are super competitive and I actually applied to 10 of them in 2020 and was rejected from all, so it feels extra exciting to get in this round. I really thought it would never happen for me, and here I am!! If you’re waiting for good news, hope it comes soon for you. Wooo!!!!

    1. Wow good for you!! I am a professional writer, but not a fiction writer. I know how insanely competitive these programs are, and also how much they help your chances of getting a literary agent and being published. Congrats again!

      1. Tell me more about MFAs. My neighbor left a corporate job to write fiction and over the pandemic it has fueled something strong within me (I used to win fiction contests and now write prospectuses). Are they expensive? Does where you go matter? A high school teacher said to try workshops at a place called Breadloaf but I was too poor working retail for that then. Now maybe I could afford a class here and there.

        1. Start by taking some online writing workshops (or in person depending on where you’re located)- Catapult, Lighthouse, Grub Street and NYU Professional Pathways all offer good workshops to get a feel for things.

          The MFA is less a professional degree to get a job and more of time and instruction to improve your craft. That’s why common advice is to not attend a full-time MFA program unless it’s fully funded, aka free tuition and a stipend. These programs are RIDICULOUSLY competitive. I applied to 10 in 2020 and was waitlisted at one. For the waitlist school, I was in the top 15 out of 1000 applications and ultimately wasn’t offered a spot.

          The program I was just accepted to is a low-residency program, meaning I will go to campus for a week in January and June and the rest of the year write and submit assignments from home (and keep my FT job). These programs are slightly less competitive than the full-time programs but are still pretty intense to get into. You also have to pay tuition for low-residency programs and they tend to be older students than the full time programs.

          There’s an old Atlantic article called “Where Great Writers are Made” that has a good overview of MFA programs and how they work. If you search the article title it should come up.

      2. Thanks!!! I’ve spent the last 24 hours basically explaining to my extended family that it’s a big deal to get in but won’t actually advance my regular career at all, lol!

  6. Question to “Lifer” from yesterday:

    You mentioned that you are super passionate about “Caregiving for elderly family members. Volunteering for hospice… life changing.”

    How did you discover those passions and what it is about caregiving/hospice volunteering that is life changing?

    1. Not the OP, but my MIL did in-home hospice care for a couple years (before she sadly passed away). I’m so sad she didn’t discover it sooner because it was absolutely her calling. She was such a caring person and she loved getting to know the folks she visited. The families of people she cared for came to her services to tell us how much she meant to them. It seemed like challenging work but also rewarding.

    1. martinis with my husband
      having long talks with all of my level-changing friends
      snuggling with my kids and parents
      eating all the foods (i can think of like 6 different breads alone, ha)

      1. +1 I’d be fine spending most of it with my husband. I cannot get enough of him and who knows what the next life will bring.

    4. On a trail with my husband and kids. Ideally the trail includes some tree canopy, meadows, sweeping views, an alpine lake, a rocky creek, slugs, and a dicey bridge.

      One of my kids definitely will fall in the water and I’ll get to wrap them in my sweatshirt and snuggle to warm up.

      On the drive home we’ll stumble across a u-pick strawberry farm and eat half of our pick by the time we get home.

    7. my first thought was “I would sleep!”
      ah, parenting a sick kid. who of course I would cuddle to pieces.

    8. At the beach drinking champagne, eating unhealthy snacks and making s’mores with my family while watching the sun set.

      If the beach could be on Huahine, better yet! For that I would even skip the s’mores.

      1. OT but please tell me more Huahine! I’m always looking for beach vacations that are more creative than the Caribbean or Hawaii and French Polynesia isn’t a crazy flight from the west coast. I’ve been to Bora Bora and Mo’orea.

    9. I would try weed (never have before) – ha! And maybe other delicious but unhealthy substances.

    10. At the mountains, hiking and drinking hot cocoa with my husband and sons and with my brother and nephews, followed by a movie during which my toddler falls asleep in my arms, our four year old passes out in my lap, and my husband has his arm around me while we laugh at A Fish Named Wanda. And eat more chocolate. And my mom kisses me goodnight right as I am falling into sleep.

  8. Fully remote workers, do you like it or are you lonely? I possibly have an opportunity for a fully remote job. Currently I’m in office full time. Truthfully I think a hybrid schedule would be my favorite option but that isn’t available. Being remote would make many aspects of my life easier, save two hours of commuting, and allow me to save more money. However, I like chatting with coworkers and am friendly with many of them. I am married with a one year old and will hopefully have another baby in the next year. I would have childcare at least part time, and I live in a house with a spare room that could be used as an office. Husband does not work from home. So, hive, what do you think? Do the benefits of remote work outweigh the negatives?

    1. I hate it. But the two biggest factors that make me hate it don’t apply to you.
      1) my husband also primarily works from home and our open floor plan house is not designed to accommodate two fully remote workers. I also feel like I never have a chance to miss my husband since we’re together almost 24/7, which has been bad for our marriage.
      2) my kid is in daycare at my former office so rather than saving on commute time I’m commuting double. Changing daycares is not an option as this daycare is excellent and high quality care is almost impossible to find in our area. In less than a year she’ll go to school right near our house and that will hopefully make things a lot better.

      Even aside from these factors though I don’t love it. I don’t feel lonely but I do really miss the separation of home and office. I often feel like I live at work rather than working from home. It’s hard to maintain work-life boundaries without an office, at least for me.

      1. I have both of these issues with working remotely as well. I doubled my commute with daycare and husband was also FT WFH. He recently started going to the office 2-3 days a week and our kiddo started Kindergarten. It has been a GAME CHANGER. Hang in there.

        It helped earlier this year to schedule myself some blocks of time where I would work from a coffee shop instead. It gave me some separation and a chance to get out. I chose a coffee shop (Panera, really) close to daycare so that I could cut some of my drive time.

    2. I think this is so personal. I got enough remote work during the pandemic and would never willingly take a full-time remote position. I felt like the days just dragged on and on and on. My workplace relationships felt purely transactional without the occasional non-work conversations. And my house no longer felt like a sanctuary because I was there all the time. Overall, it was not good for my mental health even though it was good for my schedule.

      1. +1, I like going in 1-2 times per week.

        But what on earth are you saying about part time childcare for a full time job? No.

        1. This. A full time job requires full time child care, whether paid or unpaid, provided by another adult who is not on the clock. Period. In fact, my employer’s remote work policy makes it clear that a remote worker must have child care while working.

      2. I also disliked WFH. I was constantly distracted by things around the house – clutter, a cracked blind, dust bunnies. Plus my wife interrupted me every 5 minutes (that’s an exaggeration but just barely).

        1. YES. I was unable to turn off the home-manager part of my brain, which made it kinda rough.

          1. My wife loves it tho – she’s been fully remote since the start of the pandemic. She makes herself as espresso and just cranks her work out. The real winner is our dog.

    3. My immediate reaction is that if you are working full time, you should have full time child care, even if you are working remotely. You will be miserable if you are trying to provide childcare AND work at the same time.

      In terms of loneliness, no I am not lonely WFH remotely full time, but I also GChat with friends all day (Millennial checking in, hi), so I have “conversations” going on. I am also a wild introvert, so I absolutely hated talking to people in the office. If you’re an extrovert who likes office chats, that will be different.

      But also keep in mind that for many roles, full time remote work doesn’t mean you have to stay in your home. You can go to a library or a coffee shop to be around other people. If your company has vendors or customers, you could still arrange in-person meetings, and maybe work from their offices for the remainder of that day. There are creative approaches so that fully remote doesn’t necessarily equal “sit in my silent house all day.”

      1. I should have clarified: I’ll only be paying for part time childcare. My husband works odd hours and will be home a lot during my working hours, and nearby Grandma would also watch kiddo. So it would be full time care but only part time paid care.
        I think I would still be seeing clients fairly often, but not developing friendships the way I would with coworkers I see daily. I would describe myself as an extroverted introvert. I like my alone quiet time, but I also like to chat with friends. Not sure if maybe I should hold out for a hybrid position or if fully remote would be fine.

    4. If you are working full-time you need full-time childcare.

      I absolutely love working from home. I just started a new job that is hybrid and I really miss being at home full-time. The time and energy and money it saves is worth it to me.

      3. This. In the pandemic, I lost childcare and my ability to work ground to a halt. I think that is why I loathe WFH. When I had to do it FT it was bordering on traumatic. I needed my job but was shocked not to lose it because I was stretched too thin.

      4. This! I cannot tell you how many times I see posts in the “mom groups” on FB that want WFH so they have no need for childcare. If you dare say something they will attack you like a pack of hyenas. How dare you suggest that people need childcare?

    6. i’d do it at least while the kids are small, you’ll be leaning out anyway. but yes you absolutely need fulltime childcare for fulltime work, preferably not in your home (signed, person who has spent way too much time talking to nannies). keep up with the friends from work regularly for lunch and drinks though.

    7. I’ve been fully remote for about 8 years, and I agree…I’m confused about the childcare comment. Of course you need full time childcare, unless you are working part time, in which case you may still need full time childcare depending on your hours.

      Part of what makes WFH enjoyable for me is that my team and clients are spread out across the US and Europe, rather than being concentrated in one office. So, we’re all used to being in online meetings and people are generally good about creating/establishing relationships even if we’ve never met in person. I think it would be much harder if everyone is one one or two offices, having group in-person meetings where you’re the only one joining by phone, etc. That can both feel lonely and be damaging to your career. And, FWIW, even within my WFH-friendly company, I will not be promoted to executive unless I relocate to be near a physical office, which is fine for me for the time being, but consider your options for promotions etc if that’s important to you.

      Overall, I much prefer WFH to going into an office, but it CAN get lonely and I crave social interaction in a way that my husband, who goes into an office everyday, does not. It also means that we can default more easily into me as the primary parent, which we’ve had to consciously work against.

      1. Fully remote for 6 years and +1 to all of this.
        Pre-pandemic I went to a coworking office a couple times a week for social interaction and to get out of the house and I loved it. Am thinking about re-joining again.

    8. I agree that hybrid of beat but if I had to choose between fully in office or WFH, I’d choose WFH easily. No commuting in bad weather, saves time and money. Easier to workout in the morning. Saves money on work clothes. No need to get dressed or do makeup in the morning. If you get bored or lonely, try a mid day workout class or go to a cafe if your job allows.

    9. I think that really depends on the WFH culture of the company and your role. Some have a culture of no video, limited calls, and no small talk, which can get pretty lonely. If you are an extrovert and/or are in a role where you don’t have to do many calls or presentations it could get very lonely. Personally as an introvert at a place with a culture of small talk prior to getting to the business of the call and mostly video on, it’s been great – the people aspect is there, and there is the option of going into the office as well.

    10. I have a hybrid schedule and what its taught me is that I would hate working from home full time. I live by myself, so it might be fine if you do have other people around. I also want separation between home and work.

      On the other hand I have a friend who loves it. She is just in general more of a homebody, has no desire to see her coworkers or to commute, and it just works perfectly.

    11. I WFH 95% or the time (go into office 1-2 times per month and have a 2yo). You 100% need full time childcare for a 1yo. The days my child is home sick and I attempt to work and watch them are a disaster – I have to move meetings and end up working at night after they go to bed.

      In terms of loneliness: I am an introvert so enjoy it. It also depends on the job: I have several meetings a day (mostly video conference) and regularly speak with a large number of colleagues and clients. I stated my job in person which helped establish relationships but many of my current coworkers I’ve never met in person and it’s still fine. I have video coffee chats and occasional check ins that somewhat replace the normal office water cooler banter. Will most employees be remote or just you? I think it’s easier when you’re not the only one who is remote.

      WFH is great with young kids as I have flexibility if kid is sick, can throw in laundry during the day, save commute time and can throw dinner in oven before my last meeting of the day. Pumping is also SO much easier.

    12. Truthfully, as someone who used to enjoy office life, I’m a little lonely sometimes. But it does give tremendous flexibility and spares me the commute, so at this point in my life I’m happy with it. I can toss a load of laundry, make a quick health lunch, and my dog is a happy camper. I can also step out for a medical appointment or quick workout as long as I manage my meeting schedule and workload. However I am also happy I spent my 20s working in an office and enjoying downtown life, so it depends where you’re at in life. Sounds like you have children, in which case the flexibility of WFH can definitely be a plus. Depending on how old they are and the nature of your job, I would recommend full-time childcare and ideally having kids out of your home. I spend a lot of time on the phone and having kids around, unless someone is clearly keeping them out of my office, would be incredibly disruptive. My office is tolerant of the occasional sick day but would not accept that on a daily basis.

    13. You need child care during all of your working hours. I would be surprised if your employer doesn’t require this. If your children are being cared for in your home and/or your spouse is working from home it may still be very difficult and/or unpleasant to work.

      I have watched people “working” from home while providing child care to infants and toddlers. They get nothing done, they are miserable, or both.

    14. I’ll dissent a bit and say that you may be able to work from home with less than fulltime childcare, especially as your kids get older. For a 1 year old, I agree you’re going to want at least 40 hours a week of coverage, especially if you plan to add a new baby into the mix. But with older kids, it’s definitely possible to get away with less than 40 hours/week of care when you’re fully remote. One of the best things for me about WFH is that my kid doesn’t have to go to aftercare and is home with me after school. We started that at age 5 in kindergarten and it went surprisingly well. It definitely depends on the nature of your job and your kid(s) personalities, but it is possible.

    15. Hi! I’m a fully remote worker for a company headquartered in the UK, where most of my colleagues are based. I have two small children. I feel like there are a number of misconceptions about remote work:

      – Remote work is not a substitute for childcare. Don’t confuse remote work with ‘I don’t need childcare’. If you work full time, you need full time childcare. Sure, maybe you can bang out a few emails with a 3 month old sleeping on you. But to focus for an extended period? Childcare.

      – Remote work does not automatically equal flexibility. It *can*. You can throw some food in the crockpot or laundry in the washer on a short break and get back to your calls. Or you can be at your desk on calls from 8am to 2pm solid. (I have done both!) I find the rhythms of my day are governed more by a) the needs of my team and clients and b) school/ childcare drop-off and pick-up than by any flexibility that remote work affords me. Or rather, remote work affords me the flexibility to make it to daycare pick-up on time…

      – If your company does not provide a budget for WFH paraphernalia (wifi booster, comfortable office chair, standing desk, second monitor) you may have a bit of a capital outlay at the start. Otherwise, you do save money on commutes and lunches out.

      – There are many ways to get a good dose of social interaction — meet up at a library or coworking space with friends and have a workday together; meet up with colleagues in the same city for coffee or drinks; attend conferences; go into the office in the nearest city.

      – In-person time with colleagues is different from purely social time. In-person time is a) how you get to know your colleagues as people so that you can work together more smoothly, and b) a good way to collectively problem-solve and strategise.

    16. I love working from home. I don’t think I would ever go back to an office full time. I love being able to run errands or clean a room in my house during lunch, I love being able to go to a workout class down the street at 7:30 am and still being able to log on by 9, I used to have to leave work early to make it to my kids school functions and I no longer have to. My social life has become a lot more focused on friends who live near us rather than coworkers- which I really love.

    17. We were 100% remote from March 2020 to June 2021. I mostly hated it. I got quite lonely, and could go for VERY long stretches without leaving my apartment. It really wasn’t good for mental health. Also, it may be role/industry specific, but there’s definitely a lot of parts of my job where it’s so much easier to just get together with people in a room and collaborate or talk it out. The frustration of not being able to say “can we just both go in tomorrow and work on this together” was very annoying. I’m about 50/50 hybrid now, and like it because not having to get up early and commute half the week is nice, but I really enjoy my days in the office. I would not purposefully choose a 100% remote role. I’d rather pick a 100% in-office job than that.

    18. To add some perspective of someone with older kids (elementary) that might be helpful (depending on how long you might be at this job): I’d argue wfh is almost more helpful the older your kids get, because of activities and their ability to entertain themselves for short snippets of time. For example, that hour commute home could make or break you being able to get your kids to a sport/activity. Or if, say, my husband is taking one of my kids to an activity/sport, if I’m wfh he doesn’t have to drag the other one along like he would if I’m in the office, because mine are old enough where they can certainly hang out without bugging me for half an hour or so while I’m working, but someone does need to physically be there for emergencies etc. Summer camp hours (ie childcare for older kids in the summer) are a whole other thing that WFH helps with. obviously dual office working parents figure this stuff out all the time, and my personal preference would be hybrid, but if I had to choose one or the other given the parent aspect, wfh.

      1. Agree. I’ve been WFH since 2012. When my kids were young they were in full time child care out of the home.

        Now that they are in elem, I don’t put them in extended day. The bus comes at 3, I meet them (usually- if not they just walk home) and get them settled. I zip them to activities though usually only one direction because I am a master of carpool with 3 kids.

        I block my calendar from 3-4 and aim to be done for the day by 5:30. I also try and schedule internal stuff from 3-5, but that’s not always possible.

        Husband also WFH 3x/week. He will do some of the after school stuff as well, and preps dinner during the day.

        The bus picks my kids up at 7:15 so with no commute I can work from 7:30-3 uninterrupted.

      2. Thank you for this. We start elementary next year and this was my hunch, but I am happy to see it confirmed as I think through some work things.

        1. I would caution that Kindergarteners are different- they can’t walk home from the bus alone in our district, they often have big meltdowns at the end of the day and need a lot of attention. I’d suggest having a babysitter meet the kiddo at the bus and stay through dinner or they will lobby for your attention from 3-5pm (mine just lobby for the ipad).

          Also consider the multitude of days off. Our district is half day Wednesday every other week. You’ll need aftercare for that.

          1. +1
            I’m the anon at 10:27. While as I mentioned there are (IMO) benefits to WFH with elementary kids, I personally wouldn’t go as far as to say I would do it without after school care of some kind on a year round basis, like some of the other posters are saying. I’m not saying that doesn’t work for them and won’t for you, if so that is great, but I wouldn’t have that be my base expectation. For the positives I meant more the logistics benefits, lack of commute benefits (ie your preferred summer camp not starting until a time where an hour commute after would not be reasonable), and occasional short time alone with me working works for us. For me personally, having our kids alone with me while I work for 1-2+ hours every day would not work, and I didn’t mean to imply that.

          2. I’m anon at 11:14 and was replying to anon at 10:27 (10:50 hadn’t popped up yet). Aftercare is 100% the plan (in 3 years I’ll have 3 in elementary so no aftercare is clearly something that won’t scale for my family), but I was sharing my appreciation to having someone voice the real value of the WFH flexibility when needed. Thanks!

      3. Yeah I commented above, but remote work has allowed me to opt out of aftercare for my kid even when she was pretty young (5). She was exhausted after kindergarten and really benefited from time at home playing alone to decompress. We also used a bit of screen time as a reward. She learned quickly that bothering me during her quiet hour would result in loss of screen time, so she never did it. It was nice to take a break mid-afternoon to have snack and chat with her about her day before she went to play alone and I went back to work, and I considered that my lunch hour since I don’t really take any time off for lunch. It’s made summer care a lot easier too. We send her to camps and she spends time at her grandparents because she would be bored being home alone all summer, but I don’t have to panic about camps that end at 3 or 4 pm, or worry about the gaps between school and camps. It’s been by far the biggest perk to WFH for me. My friends in the office find childcare for elementary age children much more stressful.

    19. I went fully remote after COVID hit my area and we moved out of the area where my firm is located. Prior to COVID, I went into the office as the norm but given my work (litigation), was not in the office all the time. I worked from Starbucks a lot before meetings/depositions/court appearances/etc. and from home after such appearances since my house was typically on the way back to the office from where ever I was.
      Now I am 100% remote, as is my husband and we both WFH (with the exception of rare trips back to the office as rarely needed). Despite the fact that his job is much more meetings/calls oriented and mine is more writing focused, this works for us because we have completely separate office spaces (he took a smaller spare room on the first floor, I took a smaller spare room on the second floor).
      I am definitely more introverted and have ADHD which makes it difficult for me to work in an office where people stop by to chat all the time. However, with that said, I am still friendly with my coworkers (chat through email or on Teams, text message, FaceTime, calls) and meet new coworkers all the time. Additionally, I may start working from coffee shops again in the near future (obviously that stopped with COVID). I also agree with other commenters: get full time childcare. We have only a dog but sometimes even his care is too overwhelming when there is a lot going on/work is very busy.
      We have saved a lot of money and time due to WFH 100%: no commuting so we save on gas and our car insurance; while we still meal prep, its gone from meal prep and dividing into separate meals per day, etc., to just making extras and just sticking the extras in the fridge; work time is spent better because I don’t have people constantly interrupting me when I am in a focused-mode; etc. etc. Additionally, I see my husband way more now; we can have lunch together if our schedules allow or go for a walk or run together.

    20. Thank you so much for all the replies! There is a lot to think about. I posted a while ago but my comment didn’t go through so I’ll try again: I will have full time childcare, but not all of it paid. Baby will go to part time daycare near home. My husband works odd hours and will be home a lot when I’m working so he can watch baby. Grandma is also available. Though many of you pointed out that baby should ideally be OUT of the house so that’s something to think about too.

    21. I love it and my goal is to never work from an office again.

      I’m very extroverted but I get my socialization through Slack & Zoom chats with work friends. Cameras on is a norm in my company so I get to see most folks in meetings as well. And I have a role that requires a lot of meetings so I interact with a lot of people.

      I am also considering getting a membership to a woman-only coworking space as well, just to have a different location to work from & different folks to interact with, but so far I absolutely love it and don’t ever want to return to the office. I love being able to do a Peloton ride in the middle of the day, throw some laundry in the wash, and have random reality TV on as background noise while I work.

      1. Yes, working remotely for a company that has a cameras-on culture really makes a difference in terms of feeling like you’re seeing people during the day. When I worked from home exclusively I never felt deprived of social contact because I was seeing people’s faces in meetings constantly.

    22. 1) you absolutely need full time childcare. If you don’t, your coworkers will resent you.
      2) YMMV, it’s very different person to person but as a very social introvert I hate full time remote with a passion. My preference is a 4 days in office, 1 day (of my closing) remote

    23. I think the answer depends on the culture of the company. I’ve worked on teams where I’m the only remote coworker and on teams where we are all remote and much prefer the latter. My current team is spread throughout the country, so there is plenty of connecting when joking through Teams and meetings.

    24. I WFH most days – I do go onsite to one of our facilities or to my office about 1-2x/week. I have 2 kids <5. I want to join the chorus – FT work = FT child care. The benefits of WFH are that you can squeeze in exercise, lose the commute/reduce carbon footprint, not worry about work clothes – NOT that you can spend less on childcare.

      Counterpoint to me – I have a family member with kids similar ages as mine. Both parents WFH 100%. Oldest kid is in school half the day – one parent drops and picks her up which in itself takes ~1 hour round trip, so I don't get how any work is done. Youngest kid just "plays" while parents work. They have some family on hand always to help with kids, but no formal childcare outside of the eldest's half-school day. It seems so stressful and chaotic, would not work for our jobs in my home, but obviously works for them, so YMMV.

    25. I have a fully remote job and, while I am an extrovert and miss time with colleagues, I accept that I have a very good job so it’s just a con that I’m willing to live with. I am paid well, have good work/life balance, and a good manager. I had a different role with my company that was horrible a few months back and then WFH was just one more miserable part of it. I’d say WFH versus in office to me is not the defining factor on whether a job is good. Also, it helps that now I leave the house for other stuff (workout classes, volunteering, etc.). WFH during full lockdown was an entirely different animal. Plus we bought a house so now I have an office.

    26. I’ve worked remote for probably 12 years now. It really depends on the team, but it can be hard to bond with your coworkers. If you travel it makes it much easier. If you live alone, it’s important to make plans to get out of the house every day.

    27. I like it. I miss people but I get enough of coworkers (in my case, clients) from frequent zoom calls, and I make sure to get together with my actual friends pretty often. I don’t miss the commute. I don’t miss the clothing (I thought I would!). And I don’t miss the meetings that could have been an email. At least when they’re on Zoom I can multitask. #notsorry

  9. My husband and I used to love Trunk Club. What’s the next best thing these days? Both looking to refresh professional wardrobes. We liked that there was a wide range of price points and quality levels, and could offer specific guidance for what we’re looking for. Both offices are business casual with occasional business formal meetings/presentations. Work pieces in our closets probably range from $100-$400 each, if that helps/matters. Any recs?

    If there is a good one for women vs. men, we’re obviously ok using different services. Any ideas? We’re not looking to use the Nordstrom personal shopper program at this time, but hoping to find a send-to-your-home, curated type service (if it exists anymore).

    2. It’s worth trying Stitch Fix for this – I had one very bad box which turned me off them for a while but when I gave them another chance in the spring I was really happy with what was sent and how it fit the brief – they’ve improved it so you can do an initial review of suggestions now

      1. Good to know. They were terrible (for me) 4-5+ years ago. Cheap brands, terrible styling relative to my tastes. Maybe worth a redo.

        1. I got two curated stitch fix boxes and sent the majority of it back, even though there was a hefty discount for keeping it all.

          I ended up using their website to order a few more tops because they showed them in outfits and which tops went with things I’d already bought, so that was helpful, but I soured on them after a while.

          I agree the brands are generally cheap.

    3. I’m not sure if you have a Nordstrom nearby, but their personal shopper program was a better experience for me than trunk club. It felt more personalized (I often felt like the trunk club stylist didn’t actually read my likes and dislikes).

      1. How does it work? Do they only pull from what’s in stock at the store? Or are they ordering stuff online and shipping it to home? I’m a 14 (or a 12, or a 16… sizing s u c k s) and often struggle to find things that fit in the store so I shop a lot online and fear the in-store experience will be unproductive at best and upsetting/frustrating at worst.

        1. I’m happy to provide a little more detail! I scheduled an appointment on a Saturday morning and filled out a little questionnaire about sizes and what I was looking for (workwear). When I came in the stylist had 4-5 outfits on the rack for me, different levels of formality. She asked me to try everything on even if I didn’t like it so we could discuss it. With each outfit we talked through what I liked/didn’t like, how it fit. After a couple outfits she went and grabbed a few additional items that were more what I was looking for. There were a few things where I liked the item but not the color or they had the size above/below what I needed in stock. I ordered it through the shopper while I was there and it was delivered to my house in a few days. I discovered quite a few new to me brands that I have ordered from since. I’m not sure how it would work for sizes that they (unfortunately) don’t keep a lot of stock in store.

  10. Does anyone have a good estate attorney recommendation in the Boston (Newton/Waltham) area ? Nothing too complicated but now that we have a child I want to get something in place

  11. Thoughts on using an instapot for slow cooking? I know there’s a slow cooker setting on it, but I heard it runs too hot and overcooks food? In a very busy period of life right now, so not sure if it’s best to just have an instapot and a slow cooker?

    1. Have you done any other research? I would read a few instant pot-focused cookbooks like Melissa Clark’s and see if you can get the instant pot to work for your lifestyle without using the slow cooker function. Also, check out Pinch of Yum’s freezer meal guide. She has guidelines for how to be able to just pull something from the freezer and drop it in the instant pot, if that works better for you than coming home to prep stuff.

      1. So until now I’ve always had roommates and I’ve had an instapot and they’ve had a slow cooker and I’ve gotten to use both. While I do like the instapot, I find that I do use the two devices pretty differently

    2. I don’t think the Instapot does slow cooking well. I would opt for both if you have the room for it.

        1. Meh, I avoided a pressure cooker because of those type of common thoughts on them for a few years, but we love our Ninja 11 in 1 pressure cooker and air fryer. Meats in the pressure cooker taste much, much better than anything I ever made in a slow cooker. We don’t love slow cooker mushy-ness, wearas the pressure cooker seems to help cook things all the way through and mix flavors while retaining the ingredient integrity. Like in a beef pot roast with vegetables, the potato is still a potato, just cooked all the way through.

          We also very much like the air fryer being built in – we’ll often make a pork tenderloin using the pressure cooker feature, then shred it in the pot, and airfare the top for crispiness.

          I’m not a small appliance person and I’m still astonished I like it as much as I do 1.5 years in.

    4. Instapot works 100% fine as a slow cooker, but I’m finding more and more that instapot slowcooker all day vs. instapot pressure cooker for an hour are about equivalent.

  12. Thanks for the decorating YouTube video recommendations. My brain appreciates decor but cannot generate any of it. How can I work on my vignetting skills? I am pretty creative but grew up in a clutterfest house so I have also always hated having stuff. I am so conflicted but current apartment looks too sterile and I am partial WFH so I hate looking at it.

    1. The secret is paying attention to scale. When in doubt, choose one large piece over several small ones. If you group smaller things together, make sure you’re varying the height, proportions, and even texture. Think “more style, less stuff.”

      1. Agreed on this. The best book I’ve read on this style is Cozy Minimalist Home. It’s great, but she gets randomly Jesus-y, so FYI.

        1. I learned a ton from this book! But it does go into faith-type things, so be aware of that going in.

    2. I grew up in a clutterfest house and have the opposite, but still love a warm collected home look rather than a minimalist one. My biggest tip is to collect things that you LOVE to look at individually. If you get something home that you don’t love, or over time you don’t love, return or donate. Don’t hold on to anything that is just fine; it will make your eye twitch and seem like clutter. But things you love to look at because you think they’re beautiful or interesting or quirky? those things keep giving me joy and get to stay.

      Also the antithesis of sterile is books + plants. So even if you don’t want things, add a few stacks of books (at least three in a stack) and some plants in nice pots that fit your aesthetic.

    3. +1 to the comment about scale above – and, say no to Home Goods, TJ Maxx etc to avoid the cluttered look. Think about going to art markets, antique shops, or just Charish to buy one or two large kooky things or big pieces of art to establish focal points. Plants also work great – and there are lots of great faux fiddle trees nowadays if you are not talented with keeping stuff alive. Nothing wrong with getting some coffee table books you enjoy to add a bit of fluff – but realize it is entirely ok to not have little vignettes in your house with “stuff” for the sake of stuff.

    5. The first apartment therapy book is great. It’s a paperback, not glossy «inspiration», very structured and helpful.

  13. Anyone use a sleep number type-bed? If you have one, do you use the normal flat kind or the kind that contort for sitting up? Does it track your sleep information and send it to the company, and if so, can you opt out? My husband and I are looking to upgrade our bed to a king-size and we both prefer very different levels of firmness so it seems like a logical move, but if there’s any negatives, I at least want to know before spending thousands on a new bed. We only know two people who use them in real life and they’re both fans, but we’ve had bad luck with mattresses before.

    2. I have owned queen size SleepNumber beds for more than 20 years. My bed at home is the 20 YO model that’s still going strong. I have another (both are flat, no split models) at my cabin that’s one step up from the very base model. I use a 2-3 inch foam topper on each bed and love them. Neither of my beds do any of the data tracking which I think is unavailable with the lower end of their products.

    3. A friend has them, and I hate it when I sleep over. It feels like an air mattress. I strongly suggest testing it out before you buy.

  14. For your morning humor/PSA, let me share that I randomly grabbed new maxi pads at Target yesterday without much thought and ended up with something “herbal” from a company called Honey Pot. It struck me as a gross name, to be perfectly honest, but I liked the “natural” part and gave no further thought to it’s “mint, lavender and aloe” until about 11:30 last night when I went to use a pad, having run out of all others.

    I was not prepared, dear reader, for what felt like, in essence, a very large and powerful Altoid on my lady parts from these so called “herbal-infused pads.” I must have stayed awake for at least an hour while this deeply uncomfortable feeling subsided and woke up and ran to the nearest drugstore for a replacement. When I tell you that I seriously considered using my kid’s diaper to not have to sleep like this, I am not really joking. Upon review of the box – as I was trying to figure out why in the world my underwear suddenly felt like someone put BenGay on my most delicates – I read that the idea for this product came to the founder in a “dream” as she was suffering “with bacterial vaginosis for 8 months.” This is as close to a warning label as the packaging gets and it does not begin to communicate the experience you are in store for! Maybe a visit to the doctor for some antibiotics would have served the founder better but then again I guess I’m not the one with a brand on the shelves in Target? Just beware what you are buying “people with v*ginas!”

    1. I recently bought their suppositories for a yeast infection – per the recommendation of my doctor. I thought they worked just fine :)

    2. Hahaha I’ve bought these before and it’s a weird sensation but I didn’t mind it? The company does make unscented products as well.

    3. omg. I know the honey pot aisle of which you speak, but have not ventured there myself….what in the actual f. MINT in that region??? nope nope nope.

    5. I am dying with laughter. Reminds me of the time my SIL came over and used the restroom but couldn’t find the toilet paper, so she used the Vicks Vapo-rub infused tissues I had sitting on the toilet tank!! (FWIW, the extra toilet paper was right there but she didn’t see it lest you think I hide the TP from my guests.)

    6. Counter point….I have pelvic floor muscle issues that I go to PT for and I actually find that kind of burning feeling from that brand soothing to my pain. But….yesh…it’s a lot and there should be better warnings. I have found their products to be super helpful for me though, so I hope they keep making them!

    7. Aiii — not a good surprise!

      I flung something from a known period pad company in my Walmart e-cart. It was for incontinence. I get that it basically works the same, but donated to our diaper bank. I cannot wait to see what sort of mailing lists I’ve gotten myself on.

    8. Oh my! I saw a Target commercial featuring the Honey Pot owner, I think it was for Black history month? I thought she seemed like a cool person but I didn’t pay that much attention to the projects.

    9. Omg! I’ve seen that brand at the store and have always wondered why, in this year 2022, they’d start selling new lines of feminine wash when it is widely discouraged by doctors. It seems like an odd choice.

        1. Vicky will be here all week, folks! Tip your server.

          (Loved your joke, appalled by minty pads.)

      1. +1

        My former-military partner defines “honey pot” as the mortally wounded combatant who is left to scream in agony in the open to draw compatriots attempting to provide aid into range. Not sure how broadly that term was used, but I have heard others outside his unit apply it in the same context. Applying it to period products is horrifying.

        1. That’s horrific.

          When I hear “honeypot” I think of legal forms of entrapment, which is also not a positive association, but not nearly as bad.

          1. I think of a femme fatale spy or spy asset who is planted to make advances on a target and gain inside information

    11. I used these as well as the panty wash and ended up with a flaming yeast infection. Never again!

    12. The same thing happened to me!!! Thankfully I had an alternative at home. I ripped the old thing out of my underwear and trashed the rest of them.

  15. Advice on cleaning shoes? I have a pair of white leather sneakers and a pair of white Vans that are getting a little grungy. For the vans I was thinking laundry detergent and water + toothbrush? For the leather…a magic eraser? Help! The internet is giving me too many conflicting ideas on what actually works without damaging the shoes.

    1. I’m not sure if this is the best advice, but I’ve been using a clorox wipe on my white leather sneakers, followed by using an old toothbrush with a tiny amount of white toothpaste, being gentle with the leather parts. I’ve done it several times this summer and my shoes still look great.

    3. For the leather ones, Bick4 is a good cleaner/conditioner that won’t change the color or strip the finish.

    4. Vans: there are cleaning wipes designed for sneakers, you might try these out OR liquid laundry detergent, soft toothbrush and go old-school over the shoes.
      White leather sneakers: wipe with damp but not moist microfibre cloth. If that is not getting the dirt/discoloration out, check if the cleansing wipes for sneakers are suitable for leather [mine are, I have Ecco brand] and wipe the shoes. If this is not enough, I use Saphir leather cleanser. Especially with white leather, you need to be consistent with cleaning, otherwise, pigments settle into the leather and it will be more difficult to restore the white shade. I would also recommend using leather conditioner [I use Renovateur and then clear cream] to keep the leather flexible, nourished and supple.
      I managed to keep leather Chelsea boots look like new with proper leather care regime for 6 years [and wore them every fall/winter for those 6 years]. It pays off.

  16. Dear whoever was wondering about their sexuality on the threads yesterday…let’s chat. I’m a midlife bi married to a guy and have had a lot of Thoughts about what it means to be “out” or part of the queer community.

    1. Hello friend! I came out as bi at 28. I ended up marrying a guy (still married now in late 30s). I basically came out to friends by crying about it with several of them in the lead up to my wedding. Now I do things like participate in a women’s chorus that is mostly gay, wear bi flag pins, and volunteer for LGBT orgs. I’d love to hear your Thoughts!

    2. Would love to! If you post an anon email I’ll follow up. I don’t have time to create one today but I will post again on the Friday afternoon thread. Thanks!

  17. Hi hive-
    Has anyone bought iPhone 8 cords lately?
    Somehow I have lost all but 1 of them in my house. I’m ok with aftermarket; however, my web search has me in a black hole of options.
    Recommendations please….

    1. wouldn’t any iphone cable do the trick? I don’t think they’ve changed the charger since the… 5? 6?

      1. +1 I think the same thing?? I went from an 8 to 13 last year and don’t remember different cords being an issue.

        There are crappy aftermarket cords for sure. I don’t get cheap ones and I prefer very long ones – like 8 feet long. People seem to like that knot one, although no personal experience.

    3. I have a preference for the ones that charge faster and like the Anker brand. Specifically the USB -C to lightening cables. They come in long lengths.

      Note:purchasing this type of cord will likely require you to buy different wall chargers.

    8. I really like the braided ikea ones. But can’t wait til the EU standardised all this and big companies have to fall in line.

  18. Has anyone ever had jaw surgery to correct a severe cross bite? I was not a candidate for braces as a kid because the orthodontist said my cross bite was so bad that I needed jaw surgery. Pain made me go back to an orthodontist as an adult, who still recommended jaw surgery, but said he thought he could fix my jaw 80-90% of the way with braces, if I wanted to give that a shot. I did, and wore them as an adult for 3.5 years. I got them off a few years ago, and while things are better, I still have jaw and ear pain. The idea of going through jaw surgery is very daunting to me, but at the same time, I’m only 30, and the idea of going through the rest of my life with on and off jaw/ear pain doesn’t excite me either.

    1. I have two friends who have done this. Note that it does significantly change your face shape (fwiw both of them are much more attractive now!) but I’m sure it takes some getting used to. Obviously it’s not a walk in the park – it’s painful, and I think you have to stay on a liquid diet for some amount of time. But I think both would say it was 100% worth it.

    2. I had the surgery as a teen (basically as soon as I stopped growing) and was delighted with the outcome. Looking back at pics, the swelling and such didn’t really fully disappear for like 4-5 months, but the actual painful part of the recovery was only a week or two.

      1. Thank you for your insight. Did you have your jaw “sewn shut”? This part really freaks me out.

        1. I did not, but I had some type of thing I wore on my head to keep everything stable – this was 25 years ago so I’m a little hazy on the details. I remember a lot of smoothies, ice cream, and smooth peanut butter on Wonder bread as my “solid” lol.

    3. Not me, but my kid and a neighbor’s kid. It’s a BIG surgery for a kid (I have seen under and overbites in teens, but not a crossbite). Week 1 was BAD, week 2 was much better, but kiddo needed an IV because was just not getting enough calories (eating is exhausting when it is through a very large syringe). Drooling and loss of feeling is an issue (so would want 2 weeks no work + as much WFH as you can get after that). The feeling comes back, but it apparently takes a WHILE. Kiddo started school at week 4 (we did over the summer, but too close to the start of school for my preference). I was very vigilant about pain meds every 3 hours at first — you may want a caregiver or parent/friend to stay with you. If you get dizzy, you don’t want to fall (and with eating and pain meds, I put that risk as not zero; we had issues with a dizzy teen 2-3 times and I’m glad I was there for it). You may want someone to help you in the shower at first or to bathe. Every adult I know who has done it was very positive and recommended it. The kids don’t get the big picture as well (my teen has wisdom teeth out at the same time) as the adults, IMO.

      1. I know two adults who have done it and said it was the worst thing they ever did but still worthwhile in the end. Both said the scariest part was having to carry around wire cutters to cut off the wires so they wouldn’t aspirate if they had to vomit. That alone would dissuade me from doing it, because anaesthesia and pain meds inevitably make me vomit.

    4. I had SARPE jaw surgery in my late 50’s to correct a severe crossbite. What convinced me was looking at my casts and realizing how ghastly my bite was and only surgery followed by braces would correct it. My upper jaw was 8 mm narrower than the bottom. Surgery went well. Hurt less than bunion surgery. I lost 20 lbs. You are on a completely liquid diet for 2 months and then soft food only for a month or so after that. I did not have joint pain before, which shocked the orthodontist and surgeon, but I did have terrible congestion. The surgery pretty well eliminated the congestion and my face is broader and, I think, better looking without that dreadful overbite. I then wore braces for 14 months. I no longer bite my tongue in my sleep, which is one of the best things about it.

    5. My sister had jaw surgery as a teen and had her jaw wired shut for several weeks. She had it done at the beginning of the summer and went to summer school that year as she could not be alone in case she vomited. She carried wire cutters with her (and yes the teachers knew, were fine with it, etc ). She ate with a tube attached to a big syringe that she could put around her teeth. My mom puréed the heck out of everything, but my sister still lost a lot of weight. I don’t think she has any regrets.

  19. Can I just vent on how job searching is …. not fun? I quit my job few months back so that I can rest, recover, enjoy life and now started looking for a new job. I was in the final round for a nice role, only to find out that the company decided for an internal candidate in the end [even the headhunter was confused by the sudden appearance of an internal candidate].
    Applied directly to several jobs advertised on LI last week, got exactly zero callbacks. I know things take time, but I start to suspect companies are posting jobs on LI only to tick the box [advertise the job, but already have a candidate pre-selected] and I should stop spending energy on applying directly and should start spending energy on connecting with headhunters/recruiters.

    1. Definitely stinks. Keep in mind that it was a holiday weekend in the US, so there is probably a delay in the hiring timeline due to travel.

    2. Last week? I wouldn’t write any of them off unless it’s been like a month.

      That said, your own network and recruiters seem to be the most successful vs. cold applying.

      1. Agreed on both points. I have cold applied to hundreds of jobs, but got all 3 of my jobs at employers where I knew someone.

    4. I suggest that you avoid applying on LinkedIn, but rather go to the company’s site. I worked for a Fortune 10 company, and they prioritize applications to the company site. They received a lot of responses on LinkedIn from people that weren’t remotely qualified, so looked at those responses only if there was a dearth of candidates.

      1. Thank you, good point. Jobs I was applying for led me to company websites.
        I will put my energy into sending CVs to recruiters/headhunters and take it from there. I have realized I got most of my previous jobs either through a headhunter or because someone brought me into the role/company. A good headhunter can sell the candidate in a way an uploaded CV into database can’t. Le sigh.

    5. I’m actively hiring for 2-3 positions and I promise you the linked in advertisements aren’t there just to tick a box. They’re not free for employers to post, it would be cheaper to just post on the company websites if they were really there just to tick a box.

      That said, last week and this week are weeks adjacent to holidays. You’re dealing with all kinds of vacations and people catching up and covering for other people and parents with kids starting school and also last week was the last week of August and August is the 2nd worst month in my industry to get work done because everyone is on vacation for weeks at a time. Also depending on the hiring manager workload, they may just leave the job open and look at the candidates after 1-2 weeks as a group, rather than one at a time as they come in. Getting zero call backs within a week means absolutely nothing on the employers end right now, and in general means absolutely nothing.

      Super sucks that you didn’t get the job that you interviewed for, but that one wasn’t meant for you and something will come up. What is meant for you will not pass you by. In my state the unemployment rate is 2% and businesses are dying for good employees.

  20. Anyone with advice to spare on no/low -buy/spend periods (and/or general budgeting)?

    I think I have all my collection-agency-debt on payment plans (I thought that earlier this year and they cancelled the plans without telling me, so I’ve redone them, but not all have started). I’d like to pay off as much of my CC as possible (especially the store cards!) and save a little rather than raiding my savings for monthly expenses.

    1. Post again on the afternoon thread. The general advice is to figure out where your money is going and cut accordingly.

      My own advice is that a LOT of people are in over their heads or are a missed paycheck away from disaster, but their lifestyles don’t reflect that. Get used to living below your means for the sake of the peace of mind it beings you to be able to pay your bills. Your friends may be quite relieved if you suggest a cheaper place or not spending, spending, spending because it’s fun and YOLO.

    2. There was a recent thread about someone tackling a chunk of CC debt that had good advice. Look at the large fixed costs in your life – rent/mortgage, car payment, insurance, etc and look for ways to reduce those costs first. Those make a much larger impact on your overall budget than smaller things like coffee and Netflix. Track your spending somehow – YNAB, Mint or a spreadsheet. Take on a second job if possible – waiting tables on the weekends, etc. Good luck!

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