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Updated: Dec 2, 2018 253 Comments · by

Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Alpaca Blend Twisted Turtleneck

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This alpaca turtleneck from Theory looks gorgeous — and alpaca is super soft. (Here it's blended with nylon.) I like this sort of twisted take on the turtleneck that allows it to be a little clingy and gives it an artistic vibe. It's a splurge at $345, and it only comes in gray and beige, so if those aren't your colors or this is too much for you, there are certainly lots of other options for turtlenecks this season. Still, I think this would be the kind of piece that you would have in your closet for years to wear as a great basic that's slightly elevated. It comes in sizes P–L and is available at Nordstrom. Alpaca Blend Twisted Turtleneck This part-alpaca turtleneck from Elizabeth and James is more affordable — originally $295 at Nordstrom, and now on sale for $117/$147 (black/red) — although note that, like the beige in this case, it's somewhat sheer. A J.Crew part-alpaca turtleneck sweater for $79.50 (also at Nordstrom) offers seven colors, a more relaxed fit, and an XXS–3X size range.  This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

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Comments

  1. Anon

    That’s a gorgeous turtleneck! I don’t have an extra $345 laying around to spend on it, but it’s lovely and the kind of clothing that just makes the wearer look put together.

    • Anonymous

      It is gorgeous, but I have never understood how anyone can wear alpaca (or wool or cashmere) next to their skin. So itchy.

      I am inspired to approximate the look with a cheap cotton tissue turtleneck from J. Crew.

      • Anonymous

        Can we talk about that? Is the world divided into two camps – those who itch and those who don’t? What makes people itch? I would wrap myself in a bed of cashmere if I could afford and wear it day in and day out. My mother can’t even look at it without itching.

        • Anonymous

          IDK — I have a bunch of other allergies and I think I’m just to d*mn sensitive to stuff. So I layer under b/c I am also always cold, so it’s a win b/c wool is otherwise a great fabric.

        • anon

          I’m like your mother. Even if it is only 5% wool or any other animal hair, I can’t do it. Acrylic also bothers my skin. I seek out 100% cotton sweaters. I know it’s not nearly as warm, but fortunately I live in a climate with mild winters. I don’t think of myself as having sensitive skin (I’ve never had issues with eczema or anything), but animal hair is really uncomfortable for me to wear.

        • Cat

          It’s blends that get me. 100% cashmere or 100% merino and I have no issue. If it’s a blend (like one on offer from JCrew that is “Acrylic/nylon/wool/elastane”, I know to stay far, far away.

    • Anom

      Agree. It’s beautiful. Luckily, my 30DD b**bs would destroy those gorgeous simple lines, so that $345 will stay in my wallet today…

    • Torin

      Agree, but I can’t stand turtlenecks. I hate having things around my neck unless it’s like 20 degrees out, and then I’ll finally wear a scarf, but only outdoors. This one looks very elegant but I know I’d hate wearing it.

      • Tired

        Same girl, same. I have a bunch of beautiful scarves that I never wear because I hate things around my neck.

    • Anonymous

      Interesting, I’m somewhat opposite. I am seriously allergic to just about every tree, grass, weed, and animal on the planet. I’m talking about horrific allergies that require daily medication and frequent allergy shots, and even then there are some days where I can barely function. But, I love wool clothing and wear it all the time. From wool long johns to wool and cashmere sweaters, I have basically stopped buying anything non-wool if there is a wool version of it. I think the key is buying good quality pieces that tend to be softer and less itchy. Also, if you really like it, I think after wearing it a few times your body gets used to the fabric and your skin doesn’t react as much.

      • Anonymous

        Ha — my ruddy skin tolerates Akris cashmere, but only Akris cashmere. Luckily, 100% cotton tissue tees and the linings of pants/skirts/jackets provide enough of a buffer for my other wool items (LLBean-LandsEnd-other humbler wool items).

  2. LBD

    I just recently had to retire my longtime beloved LBD :sad face: so that means I need a new one and wanted to see if you ladies had any recommendations? Would like it show some cleavage other than that no real requirements. Thanks!

  3. Anonymous

    Would any hive members be willing to help me plan a Christmas Eve get together? I have about 15 people in my small home (including 4 kids, all under 5). Was thinking of a non fancy buffet style dinner involving minimal stress and maximum cheer. Last year we did Chinese takeout but the stress of the pickup from the super crowded restaurant nearly wrecked the night for those tasked with it. Was thinking maybe a taco bar or a make-ahead buffet of baked pasta dishes? Thanks!

    • Anonymous

      I’d do a couple crockpots of soup and have others bring veggie/desert/bread sides. Easier than the pasta dishes to keep warm.

    • Anon

      Tamales! My aunt’s husband who is Mexican started us on this tradition and we love it. You can order them from a local place ahead of time and pick them up earlier in the day and then just put them in a warm oven before you want to eat them. No stress. Easy to ask for veggie options if needed (they will make the veggie ones without lard if you ask). Easy to get dairy free. Many are gluten free if you need that (just ask because sometimes the masa mix isn’t 100% gluten free) Order 35 tamales and you will be set. If there are extras they can go in the freezer for fast lunches.

      A huge green salad.

      A citrus salad.

      Make some pitchers of Pomegranate Margaritas for the adults

      And then hot chocolate bar – complete with whipped cream, sprinkles, marshmallows, and alcohol add ins for the adults. Do the Hot Chocolate in a crock pot so you don’t have to think about it.

      • Anom

        Oooh…. This is what my in-laws (Mexicans in Texas) do for Christmas eve. Except sangria instead of magaritas. And shrimp cocktail, refried beans, chips + queso and posole soup. It’s amazing! (says the Jewish girl from the Northeast)

      • Anon

        We do this every year for Xmas eve too! It’s definitely a Texas staple. We also add a crockpot of chili, which is delicious on top of or on the side of the tamales!

      • anon

        Yes! Tamales for Christmas Eve is definitely a thing in my big Texas city! I’d try to track down good ones… several restaurants near us make them specially around the holidays. Nothing wrong with buying frozen.

        Oooh crockpot of chile and a bowl of queso. We actually have ours with our regular drinks, but margaritas or sangria is a good switch.

      • Idea

        I think Mexican also for red + green theme, and make your-own nachos or similar.
        Yum!

        • NYNY

          The official New Mexico state question is “red or green,” and “Christmas!” is an acceptable answer.

    • Anon

      I’d order pizza and salads from your local pizza place and have it delivered. (Alternatively, use postmates or Cavier and have your Chinese food delivered).

    • Anonymous

      I’d do lasagne, salad, good bread, and a few platters of Christmas cookies and ice cream for dessert.

    • NOLA

      I do a fairly informal dinner for my choir folks after we sing our last service. The most popular and least stressful is ham (can be left in a warm oven), rolls in case someone wants to make a sandwich, with some veggie casseroles (zucchini casserole, potatoes au gratin, corn pudding). I usually have veggies and chips and dip and cheese, but I’ve found that people are looking for real dinner after being at church from about 4 pm until 8:15 pm. Of course, there is also flowing prosecco and other fun drinks. A cake or some other kind of dessert.

    • Anon

      I know someone who does a GIANT pot of gumbo with cornbread. Her celebration has grown over the years from just a few people to practically half the town. Everyone cherishes it. The simplicity is the beauty of it.

      Obv, gumbo is her thing, but a pot or two of soups can be super easy and fun. Grilled cheeses for picky littles?

      • Vicky Austin

        Oooh, that sounds amazing. Jambalaya or red beans and rice would also be yummy (and these dishes always feed an army).

    • Anon

      Our Christmas tradition is oyster stew, with canned clam chowder for the little ones. The recipe in the joy of cooking is good and only takes about 15 minutes. I buy the shucked oysters from the seafood counter, in little plastic jars. This would be easy to keep in a crock pot on low. And we like the regular Campbell’s /progresso canned clam chowder better than the fancy ones.

      Oyster crackers, a green salad with mandarin orange sections (again from a can!). Followed by a desert of ice cream with nuts and chocolate sauce (like seriously, the hershey’s chocolate sauce, don’t get fancy). Christmas dinner is a big deal with a rib roast or a goose, so the idea is to eat a light meal on Christmas Eve. This is a really old tradition, the oyster stew thing.

      • Walnut

        Oyster soup is also tradition in my family with potato soup for those who aren’t a fan. Both recipes are chosen for their ease and ability to hang out in a crockpot. We tack on a meat, cheese and cracker platter. Costco or the grocery store usually have ready to go options that I move onto a nice platter.

    • Seafinch

      We did this type of party last year; we did cheese fondue. It was enormously well received. I did baguette, little cubes of ham, boiled and halved mini potatoes, cornichons, cherry tomatoes, and pearl onions. The kids absolutely went wild. Imported, German xmas cookies for dessert and fancy drinks like sparkling cider and egg nog for kids.

    • Anonymous

      I’d do a spiral cut ham that you set out on a wood cutting board with a knife and meat fork (away from kiddos obviously). Have some yummy dinner rolls (maybe the frozen kind that you bake yourself), so people can choose sandwiches or not. Easy sides – raw veggies, fruit salad (you can make strawberries into cute Santas with some whipped cream, just Google it or search on Pinterest), maybe a pasta salad from the store, chips, and a platter of Christmas cookies.

  4. Anon

    Favorite pantry splurges?
    Some of mine are:
    – Rick’s Picks Mean Beans
    – Luxardo Marasca Cherries
    – Momofuku Ssäm Sauce
    – New York Shuk Signature Harissa
    – Raincoast Crisps
    -Rao’s Homemade Marinara Tomato Sauce

    • Anonymous

      Fun thread! I finally tried Red Boat fish sauce, and I’m really enjoying it. I still consider Parmesan crisps splurgy though getting them at Costco helps. Lately I’ve been missing white anchovies which have vanished in my area after that trend peaked and fizzled. I’m starting to get into herbal digestive bitters.

      • Ms B

        Many white anchovy options from La Tienda . . . which go great with the other RTS (really tasty s**t) available on that site, like Iberico ham, truffle potato chips, and pretty much all of the conservas.

        • Anonymous

          Thanks for the tip! I never considered that they could be mail ordered. It looks like they just mail them on ice which should be fine for the winter. And now I have the word “boquerones” which also helps.

    • Wanderlust

      Jingle Jangle from Trader Joe’s
      +1 to Rao’s marinara… can never go back to anything else

    • Anonymous

      +2 to Rao’s
      +1 kerrygold butter
      Real maple syrup
      Mike’s hot honey
      Penzey’s double strength vanilla

      • A

        -Kerrygold butter-but I buy it at aldi so itslike $2 for 16oz
        -Real maple syrup
        -extra v!rgin cold pressed olive oil
        -cold brew coffee concentrate-la columbe
        -kombucha

    • Ms B

      Real vanilla beans (always have a mason jar of sugar to put the skins into)
      Rum barrel aged real maple syrup
      Aged sherry vinegar
      Maille cornichons
      Amora mustard
      Stonewall Kitchen aioli
      Truffle salt from the mushroom store in the Ferry market (in the “flattened” round jar) Anson Mills grits
      Rancho Gordo beans
      Brian Flannery beef (what we call the “good beef” as opposed to what we get where we live).

      +1 to everything Penzey’s but I don’t consider it a splurge because I find that their prices generally are cheaper than what I can get at most of my local markets.

      • K

        What kinds of recipes do you use sherry vinegar for? I have a bottle that I got for one recipe but don’t know what else to do with it.

        • Ms B

          Grill zucchini or summer squash cut longways; top with romesco and drizzle with sherry vinegar.

          Swirl a tablespoon across the top of red pepper soup (I like the Silver Palate recipe) or white bean hummus.

          Drizzle over roasted cauliflower or burrata.

          Add to glaze for glazed carrots.

          It’s one of those things that is good with almost everything, really!

      • Miss

        This is pretty much my list too. I’m in the Rancho Gordo bean club so I get new beans every three months. They’re the best. Also agree on good grits, vanilla beans, real maple syrup, and sherry vinegar (I prefer the flavor to wine vinegar). Saffron is another splurge.

    • Anon

      Imported San Mariano tomatoes.

      Also my own canned tomatoes from my summer garden. I do both whole tomatoes and tomato purée.

      Maille mustard (but we also have French’s yellow in the fridge so we are not all around snobs)

      My own canned jams and jellies (blackberry, plum and pear) and whole fruits (pear and plum) – mostly from my plum tree, my friend’s pear tree, and the wild blackberries we pick on summer vacation.

        • Anonymous

          If you mean the Nina San Marzano tomatoes that are such a good price at Costco, wee can’t cook with these without my partner making a speech about how great they are. (They are great, though I also like Bionaturae’s strained tomatoes in some cases.)

    • Anonymous

      Fancy apple cider vinegar
      Kerrygold butter
      Manuka honey (it tastes amazing, I’m skeptical of any healing properties)
      Himalayan salt. Tastes the same but looks so fancy!
      Hilal guys white sauce

  5. Bedtime yoga or stretch routine?

    Does anyone have a good routine or YouTube or sort of thing for a bedtime stretch? I have no time in the morning but need to incorporate stretching into my day more because I’m super stiff all the time. Thanks in advance for any recommendations!

    • Vicky Austin

      I’ve been using Ekhart Yoga’s bedtime yoga (the one that’s about ~14 minutes) for a couple years now and I always relax right into sleep afterwards. It’s wonderful.

  6. Winterberry

    Got invited to do a first-round interview with a company I’m really excited about. Interview is scheduled for 30 minutes and will be via video chat. I know to make sure I’m in a quiet location with nothing weird in the background and to still dress professionally. Is there anything I’m missing specific to video interviews?
    This position would also involve some fairly specialized technical work. Some of this work makes up about 30% of my current job, but I don’t have on the job experience doing other aspects of it. However, I have taken classes, attended webinars, and read current articles in this area to sharpen my skills. How do I answer “Tell me about a time when” questions about things that I’m confident I can do, but I haven’t actually done in a work context?

    • Anon

      Put your laptop or monitor on a couple books, so that you are sitting a bit lower than the camera. It’s a more flattering angle.

    • Anonymous

      Make sure you have a backup way to make contact in case something goes wrong with the video connection (phone, email).

    • Kk

      Put a light behind your computer monitor- not so bright that you squint, but bright so that you’re getting direct light on your face- much more flattering than downcast flourescent lights from the ceiling.

      Keep a page of bullet points on your desk- you might like to glance at quick reminders of the points you want to make.

  7. Anonymous

    Anyone have and have thoughts on the Toyota Sequoia? We are a family of 5 and will have 2 in car seats for the foreseeable future. The third is in a booster but will be out in +/- 1-2 years (she’s a really tall 6).

    I’d like not to get a minivan. We have an Acura MDX now and really like it, but it’s a little cramped to have the kids 3 across for long trips. We can put one in the 3rd row but it gets stuffy back there and whomever is back there tends to get motion sick.

    If we don’t go minivan, we are looking at some kind of suburban- which is just so big. The Sequoia at least feels slightly less humongous. Thoughts? Alternatives? We want 4WD or AWD and need the capability to fit 7 (play dates, guests), and would strongly prefer 2nd row captains chairs or similar (ie space between kids).

    • Subarus4Life

      Subaru Ascent!

      With the caveat that we don’t own this (yet) and have even tested it out (yet), it is our first choice for when we get a new family car later this year.

      • Anonymous

        +1000!

        I have the 8 seater configuration and LOVE it. Great safety features, drives super well, handles amazingly. You can get it with the captains chairs though too.

    • Anonymous

      I went through the Suburban (etc.) vs Minivan and firmly on Team Minivan after dealing with this (husband has a Tahoe):

      — sliding doors mean kids can exit without ramming door of car you parked next to
      — sliding doors also mean kid can let themselves out at school and successfully close the door w/o slamming siblings fingers in it or having it not quite latch; if they forget, you can close it from your side
      — lower minivan height means kids can hop in/out
      — lower minivan height means I can get in / out and help kids belt in (esp. when they were younger) in a skirt without creating an escandalo — very important in the baby years when I was always having to clip them in.

      My Odyssey has as much storage space as a Suburban and much more than my husband’s Tahoe. And as a 5-4 person frequently in dresses and skirts, I appreciate something I can get/out of w/o a wardrobe malfunction (daughters appreciate that, too, now that they are old enough to notice/care about such things).

      It is such a maligned category of vehicles, but after being a Tahoe/Odyssey family for 8 years, I will get another minivan when this wears out and my husband really prefers the minivan for long (>4 hour) family trips. I wish the Odyssey model I have had AWD, but we don’t really need it 99% of the time in the SEUS (and it is an option on the Sienna, which I was surprised to dislike as I grew up in a Toyota household — if you hate one minivan, you may love another brand’s minivan).

      I have friends who have loved the Buick Enclave (or whatever the big one is), which has clones w/in the Chevrolet family and has AWD or something else that works for our friends in Asheville, etc.

      • Anonymous

        I know, I knowwwwww but we are doing our diligence and I really hate that the minivan would be my car. Just don’t want one. And I do need AWD or 4WD (non optional).

        • Anonymous

          Threadjack:I’m not a parent yet, but I’ve noticed that in all parent couples I know, the minivan is the mom’s car. The dad usually drives a car (not a sports car, but still something cooler than a minivan) or SUV/crossover. The dads I know see a minivan as a useful/necessary family vehicle, but it’s their wives who drive it.

          • Anonymous

            That is true. And true for me.

            But I think it’s b/c it makes sense not to be a 2-minivan family and the car-vehicle is usually paid off and worth keeping. Cars are really more practical for the 99% of the time 1 person is in it.

            I know a dad from swim team though who drives the minivan b/c he is the in-town parent and carpools and his wife is a sales rep so has a company car (not good for hauling swimmers and swimfriends).

          • Anonymous

            I guess that was the point I was trying to make (I was the 10:57am anon). It seems that moms drive the minivan because they’re doing the bulk of the kid drop-offs. But looking at the families I know, it makes me wonder if in families where those responsibilities are shared equally, the choice for mom to drive the minivan leads to the dad doing less because of the logistics related to whatever vehicle he drives.

          • Anonymous

            For me (I’m the OP), I work from home and DH has a long commute. He drives the car that has the best mileage which is NOT the family car. DH actually used to drive the MDX when I had the long commute, but that changed a few years ago and it became my car. I would have bought something else :)

          • SC

            Agree this is the norm, but when I was growing up, my dad drove the minivan because he did 90% of the kid-related driving. When I turned 16 and started driving myself, my dad got a sports car.

            DH and I don’t need or have a minivan, but DH drives the family vehicle (SUV), and I drive a 2-door sports car, which cannot accommodate a convertible car seat. If I go somewhere with my kid, I have to switch cars with DH.

          • Anonymous

            A lot of working moms I know wind up getting a minivan when they have babies but then when the kids are school age, the PT afternoon nanny drives the minivan (usually bigger/safer/on family’s insurance) to get the kids and get them to/from their activities (swimming lessons, etc.). That is what we will be doing in a year when we have kids at two schools with slightly different bell schedules. If you are going to wreck in city traffic (inevitable in my city it seems), better it be in a larger thing than my usual sitter’s cute smartcar.

          • HSAL

            We have three in car seats so a minivan is pretty non-optional for us. My husband drives the minivan right now because we managed to fit one convertible car seat and two infant seats into the back of my Fit, but as soon as they’re all in convertible seats next spring we’ll become a two-minivan family. I’ll gladly make an extra car payment every month in exchange for not being the parent doing every single daycare dropoff and pickup.

          • HSAL

            Okay Ms B, talk to me about this. I’ve seen the narrow seats like the Diono and the Clek seats, but I can’t figure out orientation within the car. I’ll have two rear-facing infants and a front-facing three year old – how do you safely buckle the one in the middle? I’d love to find a way to keep the Fit and not buy the 30K+ van, but I just can’t see how I can get everyone in and buckled.

      • Anonymous

        We have a Toyota Highlander, which I found easier to drive since it is a little smaller than the Sequoia. You can get it will 4WD. We have three kids, 2 in car seats. Two big carseats fit fine in the third row or we can put the oldest in the third row (she likes having it all to herself) and configure the 2nd row with two captain’s chairs (also has a removable third seat if you need bench seating.)
        The only issue is the cargo room. With the third row up, there is very little space in the back. When we go on long trips or camping, we use a topper on the roof rack. All three kids will fit tightly in the second row, so occasionally I just do that when I need more cargo space.
        If cargo space is a priority, I would get a Ford Expedition XL. My friend has one and it fits 8 comfortably with lots of room in the back for stuff. Hers has ecofuel too so it does good on gas. I’m not a Ford person (Toyota and Honda all the time), but I was impressed.

      • non

        I’m from a family of 5, and we have a toyota highland (a hybrid, to be specific.) For small kids the third row is super doable, just leg room is a problem, and three across in the back seat so you can use the whole trunk is comfy enough (hard now that we’re all adult sized, but still doable.)

    • K

      Maybe a Ford Explorer? 3 rows, option available for space between 2nd row seats, 4WD available. Boyfriend’s father has one and loves it.

      • Anonymous

        My family had one of these when I was a teenager (so they may have changed since then). As someone sitting in the back seats, I found it unpleasant to climb in and out, and a little scary to adjust the seats forward and back on the tracks every time with kids around (again, this may have improved).

    • Leatty

      What about the Honda Pilot? It has a third row and Captain’s chairs as an option. I’ve had mine for a year (only one child), and I love it.

      • Anonymous

        It has an AWD option and I’d consider it but I’m a sucker for automatic sliding doors now :)

    • anon

      Can’t comment on the sequoia, but my friend has a tahoe and I recently sat in the back briefly. There are 2 carseats, on one side and the middle, and I would have been totally comfortable on the other side in a seat belt.

      I’m team no minivan, although I can see why people like the convenience. I only have one child though, so the smaller SUV for mom of a young child works fine for us.

      • Anonymous

        Tahoe owner.

        The middle row is fine, but the back row is over the wheels. When the oldest was a tween, he was too large to fit there comfortably, but we kept the car seats in the middle row. He could only fit in the middle of the back row with any comfort.

        It was fine for a few years, or with not everyone in it, but it was not a good car after that when all 5 of us were in the car at once. Storage was also bad if you were using the third row. I would have gotten a Suburban/minivan/Chevy Traverse instead had I known our kids would be tall (all are out of car seats as of this year — woo hoo! but short friends mean we need to keep booster seats in the back, which cuts down on hauling capacity). Third row is not good for me (5-4 grownup) but middle row is OK.

    • Diana Barry

      I’m with you. I hate hate HATE minivans with the fire of a thousand suns and will never get one.

      We also have an MDX (same situation with 3 kids) and put 3 car seats, then 3 boosters, and now 1 booster and 2 kids in seat belts. Next up I would consider another MDX, a Pilot, or a Suburban. We also need 4WD with the icy roads in the winter.

      • Anonymous

        Can someone explain the minivan hate? I always read it as a dump on moms, being a parent, and the most negative stereotypes of both moms and parents.

        Is it like we’re in 7th grade and we’re all too cool for a minivan? Like that’s for lame people? B/c when I am in a cab / Lyft, all I want to see pull up in front of me is a . . . minivan b/c it has the most room in the captain’s chairs (and I’m only 5-4) and has room to fit two grown-up couples or a bunch of friends comfortably.

        • Anonymous

          I agree. Minivans are much more comfortable for the people who aren’t driving. I also think they’re easier when buckling kids into car seats, etc. But most the parents I know see them as way uncool and inconvenience themselves and their passengers for the cool factor of an SUV. (Are SUVs even that cool?)

        • Anon

          I love my station wagon, and I am not even a mom.

          But I hate minivans. They are good for moving kids and not much else. The driver’s chairs aren’t exactly comfy. The roof racks are hard to access. The gas mileage is mediocre. I am almost certain that they handle poorly in the snow.

          Companies have been making stylish and pretty wagons for twenty years. You can get a mid-range luxury wagon – Audi, BMW, Mercedes, Volvo – but you would be hard-pressed to find a similar minivan.

          • Anon

            I love my station wagons too. I’ve had mostly volvos, though for a while I had a honda accord wagon and that was great too. My first car was a 1976 mazda wagon.

            they’re great for moms, whether of human or canine babies, and great for just people too. I have a few hobbies where things need to be hauled around (gardening is a big one) and not even an SUV beats the cargo space of a volvo wagon when the back seats are folded down.

            My current model is an XC 70. My kids have grown up riding in the back seats of my wagons, and now that they’re older, they think the wagons are cool – not least because apparently Mac DeMarco tours in his mom’s old 240 volvo wagon.

        • Anon

          Just co-signing Anon at 3:01. I test drove a minivan, and hated every second of it. Totally being overdramatic, but it felt like it symbolized the last piece of moms-must-sacrifice-everything-for-their-kids symbolism. It is big, hard to drive, not comfortable, and the driver is almost isolated in the front. A minivan is designed solely for kids/passengers and the driver becomes just a chauffeur. The one I test drove had this little flip down mirror above the rear view mirror so you could “check on the kids in the back” but also meant they could see your every facial expression. No way would I want that to be my every day vehicle.

          Design me a car that comfortably seats 3-4 kids in car seats with easily accessible and comfortable seats, AND has the driver’s comfort and drivability in mind, and I’ll be first in line. But that car is not a minivan. (Although I love the sliding doors, I do wish that was available on other cars.)

    • anon

      We have two and a third on the way and just bought a VW Atlas but we actually went bench seat since you can only do 2 car seats in the back? And the second row folds forward with the infant seat in it, so it’s not that inconvenient. We really like it!

    • MagicUnicorn

      A Tahoe can seat 7 with the third row installed, has 4WD, rides smoothly, and the separate rear climate control works great. Horrid gas mileage compared to a minivan, though.

    • Walnut

      We purchased the new style Chevy Traverse. They did a major overhaul last year and it’s a really great option. My favorite part is that the middle seats can move even with the carseat strapped in, so it’s easy to crawl into the very back. Ours comfortably seats 8 plus a giant breed dog in the cargo area regardless of where the car seats are located.

      The hidden storage in the rear is perfect for storing duplicates of all the things we normally forget as well.

    • Anonymous

      For some reason, ended up with a few different minivans when I rented cars for work. My favorite of these was the minivan from Kia. Easiest to get in and out of, good features and comfortable seats.

  8. Anonymous

    I turn 35 in June 2019 and had my last baby this spring . I decided this morning that I’d like to lose 20-25lbs by my 35th birthday. It’s weight that has slowly crept on as I’ve had kids and gotten less active, but still a good 10-15 over my “I know I’m in really good shape” weight, and so I think it’s very doable.

    What are good resources/motivators? My downfalls are wine, not prioritizing exercise, and just generally choosing to eat easy vs healthy because I’m a busy mom with 3 little kids. I’m thinking some kind of eating plan mixed with an exercise goal like running a 5 or 10k (I’d have to train) would be a good start?

    • Anon

      Do you have the money to get a personal trainer? I would throw in that at the beginning. Research there are a lot of bad personal trainers out there. But the accountability of having someone that you paid money for and have an appointment with is really helpful. They will help you prioritize it. If you don’t have the money for that join an exercise class that has other moms in it. The community they build is amazing and so supportive.

      As for the eating I would just not buy wine for the house or buy unhealthy things for the house. Only drink wine when you are out. Depending on who is better at it either have your husband meal plan/grocery shop (or do delivery or pick up groceries to save yourself more time) or ask him to take the kids while you do it on the weekend.

      • anon

        Piggybacking off this… any thoughts on how to find a good personal trainer? I don’t believe any of my friends use one.

        • Puddlejumper

          1) If you feel comfortable posting your city here – do it you might get good recs!

          2) I used one in London and now one in New York and loved both. I have autoimmune disorders so I was looking for someone who would understand how to make me stronger without making me sicker. Searching for that really narrowed my search and I absolutely loved both the people I found. Both trainers work with people that don’t have autoimmune problems (like my husband sees the guy I see in New York) but the fact they are willing to problem solve with those extra issues I think says a lot about their whole outlook. Might be a good way to do a search. I wouldn’t see anyone that pushes diet ideas on you. A personal trainer is not a dietician and they typically have no idea what they are talking about with nutrition beyond “clean eating”. I wouldn’t also see someone who makes grand promises for a quick change or thinks you should be feeling pain in the process. They should also offer you a free trial to see if you guys work well together.

          • Anonymous

            I have an autoimmune disease and am puzzled by this comment. Unless you have arthritis, I don’t see why it would be necessary for the trainer to modify exercises to accommodate an autoimmune disease. I work out exactly the same way everyone else does, except that when I am having a flare-up and am totally exhausted I might not push myself quite as hard as I normally would. I would never want to get advice on dealing with an autoimmune disorder from a personal trainer who isn’t either an M.D. or a registered dietician.

          • Anonymous

            I don’t know what conditions Puddlejumper has, but some autoimmune diseases target muscles themselves or the neuromuscular junction and produce antibodies in response to exertion. Both the exercises themselves and the entire approach to exercising can require modification to retain strength without triggering a bad flare.

          • Anonymous

            11:52 again. Thinking about it more, any autoimmune disease with autonomic symptoms or complications may also require a lot of modifications and problem solving to manage heart rate and avoid syncope. I’m sure there are also a lot of other disorders with special considerations I don’t know about.

          • Puddlejumper

            Thats great for you! If I over exert myself I can trigger flare ups and often I don’t even know where that line is, something I can do relatively easily one day will result in me not being able to move the next day. I always use my doctor for the ultimate advice on exercise and what type of exercise I should be doing but find it very helpful to have someone guiding my exercises who keeps my autoimmune disorder in the back of their mind and is conscious of it. I also have had a bunch of surgeries that make certain exercises moves not possible for me and find classes difficult because they don’t always understand the accommodations I need and it takes a long time to explain to each new instructor my whole history, and they are teaching to the average normal person and I have just come to realize that my body haha is not that unfortunately.

          • Anonymous

            Yes. I grew up with a lot of “no pain, no gain” exercise culture, and since I feel terrible while I’m exercising anyway, it’s hard for me to both push myself and not push myself too much at the same time… I guess in general this is part of what I want the personal trainer to help me with. But I’m really inspired by people I know who are incredibly fit despite their conditions!

      • Anonymous

        I’m the OP. I have a gym membership with childcare and have actually found that if I sign my kids up for a slot in “kids club,” I 100% get my butt to the gym (they get annoyed if you cancel/are a no-show too much, plus, my kids love it). Is the biggest value of the trainer the getting-you-to-the-gym aspect? Or more holding accountable for actually making it into the gym? Once I get myself focused, I think getting there will be a lot easier because I have 3 kiddos that love to go to the Kidspace!

        • NOLA

          I don’t think so. My friends who have used trainers do so because they learn good technique and get a good mix of exercise for what you’re trying to do or tone. A trainer can also modify exercise if you have injuries or illness, and can push you a little harder than you might push yourself.

    • Anonymous

      Weight loss will come from your diet, feeling better about your body will come from exercise. If weight loss is your primary goal, then approach your diet accordingly. Create a meal plan that works for your life; don’t try to make your life to work around your meals. Stock up on healthy grab-n-go items so you’re never ordering pizza out of desperation. What that looks like will depend on your preferences – I try to have frozen chili/soup on hand; I always have at least canned tuna, beans, and some kinda of veggie that can be eaten raw.

      • TheElms

        I would find a nutritionist who specializes in weight loss. They can help you develop a plan for food that will work with your life. Diet is what causes weight loss; not exercise. I managed to lose 20 lbs in 20 weeks while working 16 hour days and going to trial. I didn’t increase my exercise at all (not realistic given schedule). I found it hard to make the adjustment for about the first month but after that it was ok. Never easy, but never as miserable as I thought it would be and I say this as someone who considers themselves to always be hungry and the thought of eating less/differently was pretty scary in the beginning because I didn’t eat that badly to begin with.

        I still have a fair bit to lose — 20 to 30 lbs more depending on what I decide is a realistic goal weight — but its on hold since I’m pregnant. My nutritionist is also helping managing my weight gain during pregnancy since I was still on the cusp of being obese when I got pregnant and doctor and nutritionist agree I’d be healthier during my pregnancy (and ultimately what matters to me, pose less increased risk to the baby and feel more comfortable during pregnancy) if I can keep weight gain to 15-20lb.

    • NOLA

      I’ve lost 50 lbs since June and, while it hasn’t been easy, it’s been easier because I have some friends who are doing it, too, and we cheer each other on and text when we plateau, etc. One of my really close friends and I are both using myfitnesspal – I am tracking calories and she is tracking macronutrients. She has lost more than 80 lbs and is looking incredibly fit and healthy – she works out with a trainer, while I do my own thing at the gym (mix of cardio and weights). I would *love* to work with her trainer, but can’t currently fit that into my time. I work out at the university gym and, while they have trainers, I’m not excited about what I see them doing with their clients. I hadn’t tracked calories in years. I had lost weight before by just generally cutting down and eating healthier and drinking less, but using myfitnesspal has helped me to really see what I’m eating. I have a glass of wine most days and will have my little portion of M&Ms in the evening (sooooo helpful) but still manage to keep on track. I mostly eat frozen meals for lunch – either Amy’s or EatingWell. Being able to just scan those into the app is incredibly easy. My downfall was stress eating, so knowing your demons is really important! Good luck!

      • NOLA

        Awwww, thanks! I feel so much better and back to feeling like myself. I was so unhappy not looking good in what I wanted to wear, and my knee was a mess. I can now manage the knee without shots (partly due to weight machines, partly due to weight loss) and I’m back in my heels. I don’t know that I could have done it without my friend doing it at the same time. She looks gorgeous! She had more to lose than I do, so I was able to give her clothes that fit while she was still losing. It’s a process!

    • anon

      For me, running (or swimming) is the most efficient exercise for weight loss. I wanted to lose ten pounds but my diet was already reasonably clean and I rarely consume calories from beverages so it turned out to be almost impossible to do through diet and barre classes combined with some personal training. Can you find an early morning running group? It’s horrifying to get up so early but around 20 miles a week is magical for me in so many ways. I genuinely feel better and am finally rid of the extra weight. Bonus is having the time to chat with other women. We run slowly and talk the whole time.

    • Anon

      Fwiw I started using Noom recently and like it so far. It’s more about cognitive behavior changes than drastic reductions in calories. It has its bugs and flaws, but the pros outweigh the cons for me, and it has a short learning curve.

    • IF fan

      I was in a similar position a few years ago (but 2 kids, not 3) and did intermittent fasting. Lost 12 pounds within a very short amount of time (a month?) and managed to keep it off 3 years later. I can’t say enough good things about it. Read Dr. Fung’s Obesity Code or reddit also has a good page with lots of advice on how to start. Diet is what is going to make the most impact with weight loss, so I would start there.

    • Hope this helps!

      I lost 30 pounds over the course of a year for my wedding so I think your goal is very doable! For exercise, I would recommend doing a mix of cardio and strength training. Signing up for a 10K is great, but it won’t get you all the way there and running several days a week can be boring; mixing it up with lifting weights or a group class can motivate you to work out more times a week. Also, depending on your kids ages, rock climbing can be a really fun family activity that gets everyone working out. For nutrition, I know this sounds cliché but reducing carbs/starches and upping protein is huge. For a long time I didn’t realize what “carb” meant and I only cut down on breads and pastas. I would recommend using myfitness pal to enter the food you eat and look at your macros. It’s time consuming and annoying to do, but even keeping up with myfitness pal for a few weeks can inform you of what you’re actually consuming and what the nutritional benefits are. Also, I buy a ton of healthy snacks and have them on hand so that I don’t end up snacking on candy at the office or going crazy with a huge dinner. Something high protein at 3:00/4:00 is key: 100 calorie nut packs, beef jerky, an apple with cashew butter, an Rx Bar, a hard boiled egg, etc. I think it’s just forming better habits and treating food like a budget (budget of carbs, budget of wine per week, budget of desserts). All easier said than done and I’m working super hard just to keep the weight off myself. Good luck to you!!

  9. SokoGlam

    I’m placing my first order on Soko Glam today – for some Cosrx patches to have on hand. I’ve used them before but I’ve stopped trusting some Amazon sellers. Any other recs for good low priced things to try from Soko Glam? Thanks!

    • Aggie

      Banila Clean it Zero (My last Amazon purchase of this was a fake.), NeoGen Peel pads, and Missha Original essence.

      I also pick 5-6 random sheet masks for fun – I will probably add more this order for stocking stuffers.

    • BabyAssociate

      +1 to Banila Clean it Zero and sheet masks. I also love the Klavuu sleeping pack and the Etude House collagen eye cream.

  10. COtoNY

    Do you guys think Amazon will have a sale on Echo plus/echo related items before Christmas again, or should I just buy it now (at $150)?

  11. buying health insurance?

    My mom is self-employed. She typically buys health insurance on the exchange, but the price is prohibitively expensive for next year.

    What other options do we have for her health insurance? I have never had to buy an individual plan before and I don’t know where to start!

    • Anonymous

      How old is she? Would she qualify for something through AARP? Usually the exchange pricing is better than individual coverage, unless she is extremely healthy.

    • Anonymous

      She buys on the exchange or gets a job with health insurance. Those are the options.

    • Happily Anon

      There is a third option that satisfies the ACA requirements- health sharing plans. These are cooperatives and many (most?) are faith-based, but you can Google them and look at options. I don’t have direct experience with them but I have several acquaintances who use them and are satisfied with their costs and “coverage”.

      • Anonymous

        I work in an insurance-adjacent field (not an agent). These are NOT good if anything catastrophic happens. It just takes one person to drain the fund.

    • Anon

      Her alma mater might have group insurance rates for alumni.

      Liberty HealthShare gets very good reviews. If she can also find a plan that covers the very, very catastrophic, the combination should result in good coverage.

      Some business associations might offer group rates.

    • Anon

      Have her look into “association health plans.” New regs from the Trump admin allow disparate groups to band together to offer health insurance – so, some local chambers of commerce, for example, are offering health plans now. Maybe she belongs to an association in her field that offers a new AHP?

      I say this with a deep breath and a million caveats, she can look into what’s called “short-term limited duration health insurance plans.” These are stop-gap plans that don’t cover much, so they’re really only ideal for healthy people who need them for a bit, but they’re affordable. They’re what you see the Democrats calling “junk insurance.” If you know what you’re getting, they’re…adequate. Ish.

    • Walnut

      Does your Mom have an accountant? Might be worth discussing with the accountant what the subsidy expectation is based on her tax return. There might be tax planning strategies she can use to help her through this.

      FWIW, I know a large number of people who went without health insurance last year for the first time in their lives. Most people evaluated the faith based health sharing plans, hunted for part-time work that offered health insurance, consulted their accountants, consulted their doctors and made their final decision from there.

      It’s tough going for self-employed folks in states where the exchanges have dropped down to basically one insurer.

  12. NDT

    Ugh, so I have tickets to see Neil Degrasse Tyson this week… In light of the allegations that have come out and his reaction to them, not sure what to do. The money has already been spent, so it’s not really an impact on him if I don’t show up. What are everyone’s thoughts?

    • Anon

      I did my undergrad in astronomy and have heard things for yeeeeeears, so there are definitely more accusers out there. So glad it’s finally more public. He’s a garbage human.

    • Anonymous

      Don’t go. Going legitimizes him and he will feel the impact if the audience is empty. You will feel icky if you go I think. Have also heard the rumors for years

    • Anonymous

      Can you call the venue and ask for a refund? Do this even if it is a non-refundable ticket. (Tell them you expect them to better vet their performers, etc). Talk to a manager if necessary, and ask them to give you a credit towards another show if they won’t give you your money back. They may or may not honor your request, but you can at least speak to an actual person and have them listen to your complaint. The reasoning here is that if no one speaks up and they aren’t inconvenienced in any way, they’re likely to host him again. I’d call and complain. I hope they give you a refund.

      • LAnon

        +1 to most of this, except saying that you “expect them to better vet their performers”. Unless allegations or accusations are pretty public, I wouldn’t expect entertainment venues to launch background investigations on every person they are putting on stage. These allegations just moved from whisper rumors to genuine allegations. Just call and say that you hope they can help you, as you will no longer be attending the show due to recent allegations. Don’t make it seem like they are somehow at fault, just acknowledge that they are caught in a difficult circumstance and see what they are willing to do to help address your concerns.

    • Anon

      Sorry, I know this isn’t the point, but he annoys the crap out of me anyway. He constantly thinks he’s discovered the idea of the humanities and social sciences. For somebody so book smart and famous he’s not that bright.

      • Anon

        I’ve never thought he was that bright, certainly not as bright as he thinks he is. He went into science communication/popular science because he couldn’t make it as an academic researcher, which is where the real astrophysics geniuses are working.

        • PolyD

          Please do not trash science communication. Done well, it is just as important as the work the real astrophysics geniuses are doing.

          • Anon

            Oh, the irony. I actually work in scicomm and I’m in no way “trashing” it. It’s an important, valuable field with many smart people and I never said otherwise. But I didn’t think it would be that controversial to say that being a tenured professor of astrophysics requires a higher IQ than being a science communicator (or a doctor or a lawyer or pretty much anything else – tenured science professor is without a doubt one of the highest IQ professions on earth). Obviously NDGT is very smart, but he’s not God’s gift to astrophysics. If he were, he’d have a faculty job (which, by his own admission, he wanted).

          • PolyD

            “being a tenured professor of astrophysics requires a higher IQ than being a science communicator” – you sure about that?

            I used to do a lot of science writing and found that it was most difficult to write well about stuff I didn’t really understand. So someone who is not actively working in the field but can communicate well to non-scientists? I don’t know that we want to get into an IQ fight.

            Plus I would be there are science communicators out there who COULD have done the tenured professor thing, but decided against it, not because they weren’t smart enough, but because it’s a tough life.

          • Anon

            Science writing is a skill and it’s certainly not something that comes naturally to everyone, just like public speaking or other skills. But anyone of normal intelligence who puts in time and effort can learn to write decently or speak decently. They may never be exceptional at it, they may hate doing it, but if they put in enough effort they can do it with some level of competency. A very large majority, like upwards of 99.9%, of people can’t do quantum mechanics or prove mathematical theorems in the way that would be required for minimum competency as a research professor. It doesn’t matter how much time and effort they put in, they simply lack the ability. And that spatial reasoning ability that predicts mathematical ability is very correlated to performance on IQ tests, so yes, it actually is an intelligence thing.

      • Vicky Austin

        I always hated how automatically everyone fanboyed over him. “10 Books Neil deGrasse Tyson Thinks You Should Read” – people were clicking on this?! No thank you, I’ll curate my own reading list. I do not need any help from the Debatably Interesting Man du Jour.

  13. Anon

    Posted this before but did not get many comments. Do you have any advice for things to watch out for when’s transitioning from biglaw to a relatively young litigation boutique of less than 20 people? Thanks in advance!

    • Anon

      I have always been at small firms, so my advice is solely from that point of view. I would try to figure out what type of personality dynamics are at play between the partners at the new firm. Firms of about this size are inherently unstable (not in a bad way). But what tends to happen is that a partner with a more profitable book of business will get frustrated and split off from the other people. This is fine and normal, but it’s not fine if you were for some reason counting on that partner for work and did not leave with them, etc. I guess the best advice I would have is that if you’re in a situation where you joined a firm to work with one or two people in particular, then make yourself invaluable to them as “their associate” so that if they left, you could probably go with them.

      Also, I do not believe that this type of instability is a bad thing. I generally think this splitting off, etc. helps firms modernize a bit faster since they are constantly reinventing the wheel. I also think you’re less likely to get stuck with a deadweight senior partner who plays golf all day, etc.

    • anon associate

      If it’s relatively young it sounds like it’s already a spin off from a larger firm or several firms. I’ve worked at a small firm like that and also in mid/big law. Be on the look out for different expectations from your clients (which will translate into different expectations from the partners) so you can best serve them. YMMV depending on the nature of your practice, of course. At the smaller firm, our clients are more concerned with efficiency and overall risk mitigation than bet the company litigation. They would rather you file a brief with a (minor) typo than bill them an additional $2,500 for your fourth round of proof reading. They keep a tighter rein on costs, but do not demand that questions asked on Friday afternoon be answered by Sunday. (That’s a trade off that works well for me.)

      Lots of boutiques exist because the partners wanted better firm culture/more collegiate environment. Observe behavior for what’s appropriate … even if everyone seems really laid back, you do not want to be the new associate who got too comfortable too fast. (You probably don’t need to be told this, but I’m surprised by what I’ve seen.) There’s no where to hide in a smaller firm so personality is key.

      IMO, everything else, like learning personalities/politics, making yourself invaluable, getting on your admin’s good side and treating him or her well, is the same as when starting any new job.

    • Small Firm IP Litigator

      I think you’ve gotten good advice already, although a few additional comments piggybacking off of others. Definitely figure out the personalities, and client expectations. When I transitioned from biglaw, I asked a lot of direct questions to attorneys and staff of all levels. I was surprised to find out that the leader of my group doesn’t really figure out who is working on what, but other more junior partners do. I found that out by asking him directly.

      I don’t know how your firm structures its fees, but my firm does almost all contingency work, so clients (and partners) care more about results and not how much time I spend on things (I doubt the clients even know). I am also expected to perform higher level tasks, like take depos, argue in court, take witnesses at trial, attend and participate in client/strategy meetings. This is all incredibly different than biglaw.

      Not all smaller firms do smaller cases. We also have bigger ticket cases and more frequent trials than my prior biglaw firm.

  16. Anon

    Does anyone just not shop online?

    I listened to The Daily podcast a week ago about how workers are treated in packaging/ shipping facilities. And of course I knew it was bad but after listening to those stories I just can’t get the image of someone dead on the floor while you are forced to work around them out of my head. https://www.nytimes.com/2018/11/26/podcasts/the-daily/warehouse-workers-instant-delivery.html?rref=collection%2Fcolumn%2Fthe-daily&action=click&contentCollection=podcasts&region=stream&module=stream_unit&version=latest&contentPlacement=6&pgtype=collection

    Is there a way to check how your items are being packaged? I try to opt for smaller companies (ordering books from Powell’s books for example instead of Amazon if my local bookstore doesn’t have it) but honestly I live in the city without a car and there are just some things I need to buy online. A recent example is that I have had to buy compression socks for pregnancy related ankle swelling and I have really wide calves. My local shoe store didn’t have any for wide calves and I guess I could have called around and tried a bunch of other small mom and pop places but I don’t have the time to do that….so I placed an order with Vim and Vigr which has size wide calves and called it a day. But I have no clue how they get their packages to me. Are they using these type of shipping/packaging facilities? Anyone else feeling the stress about this? How our ease of life is at the expense of others?

    • Unicorn?

      It’s really tough to buy things ethically, so I think the easiest answer is to buy less stuff in general. I avoid Amazon where it’s at all possible, but other than that I just try to buy as little as possible. I do a lot of local FB groups for buying/selling/swapping used items – they are especially good for maternity/baby/kid items.

      • Dulcinea

        Agree with unicorn?. perfectly ethical consumption doesn’t truly exist, only thing to do is minimize consumption. Also , read in captain awkward something like remember consumption/lack of consumption is not activism.

    • Panda Bear

      Ugh, that episode horrified me too and I had some of the same reactions… I wanted to immediately quit all online shopping forever, but realistically, that’s not going to happen. So I agree with others below that the best option is to buy less overall, and try to make better choices – both in where I shop, and in other ways like how I vote, donate, volunteer, etc…

    • Blueberries

      I agree that reducing consumption is good for all sorts of reasons. However, when I do shop, I try for harm reduction and helping people (manufacturing jobs can often be good jobs) when practical. I think it’s worth looking into a company’s efforts to improve treatment of workers and eliminate unconscionable behavior in its global supply chain. That rewards companies that are making an effort, even if imperfect, and encourages other companies to do the same.

      It’s tough to assess treatment of workers and the environment, especially because big companies that are making a good effort are targeted for being imperfect. I often look too much at marketing and the odd news report, but one could look at reports mandated by the CA Transparency in Supply Chains Act and UK Modern Slavery Act.

      I also try to shop in ways that I believe are generally better for people. For example, I buy organic as much as I can because of research showing that pesticide use has ill effect on fetuses and children who live near farms.

  17. Wordy

    I read this NY Times piece over the weekend, “I didn’t become a stay-at-home mother for my kids. I did it for me.” I thought it was so odd. Once she realized how difficult it was, she decided to wallow in her misery so she would come out a better person — but in what way is she being a better person? What is supposed to be the takeaway for the reader? She sure doesn’t seem to be martyring herself because she thinks it’s best for her children. The resentment toward her husband and mother feels pretty raw.

    (https://www.nytimes.com/2018/11/30/opinion/sunday/stay-at-home-mom-two-kids.html?rref=collection%2Fsectioncollection%2Fopinion&action=click&contentCollection=opinion&region=stream&module=stream_unit&version=latest&contentPlacement=21&pgtype=sectionfront)

    • Veronica Mars

      If anyone watches Organized Like Jen on Youtube (and follows the snark factory that is her life on the gossip sites), this is basically her life. The martyrdom is not healing. It is not bettering oneself. It is anger. Pure and simple. She is angry, but she can’t be outwardly angry. So she bottles it up and wallows in misery so everyone else can feel how much pain she’s in. I have no sympathy for her. Or her children. She has the financial means to relieve some of this burden, but it’s too important for her emotionally to dwell and chew on it. This is not depression. It is selfishness.

    • Anon

      The headline was odd. I liked the piece but I don’t think the headline fit it (but editors write headlines, not writers, so the author definitely did not write the headline). The piece didn’t read as martyr-y to me, just an honest look at how hard being a SAHM is. This is one of the best descriptions of it I’ve ever seen: “The truth was, becoming a stay-at-home mother was not unlike experiencing the death of a loved one, but the loved one I’d lost was myself.”

    • Senior Attorney

      I read that, too, and I didn’t at all see how being a SAHM was making her a better person. I found it kind of horrifying.

    • cbackson

      Yeah, I came away from it feeling like she was unwell and seriously in need of help. The level of despair that comes across is super sad.

      • Anon

        Her statement that she is not depressed seems incorrect. She would definitely fail the questionnaire. That said, I think most even working moms can remember the horror that maternity leave was and empathize. She clearly needs help, as I know I did – the idea that you’re supposed to be physically and psychologically able to care for all your children 24/7 if to be “a human mother” seems fundamentally flawed.

  18. noel

    As the only out of towner and childless member of my family, I always ended up traveling to them for the holidays. They live fairly far so I’m also usually traveling for the whole end of the month. I’m torn on whether to put up a christmas tree in my own home when I’m the only one who will see it. I decorate outside because that is at least shared with the neighborhood, but I’m torn on the tree. It is so much work, but also never really feels like Christmas in my own home without it. Anyone in a similar position? What do you do?

    • anonymouse

      I live farthest from the bulk of my family and am also the childless one. I typically drive the distance to see them…till a few years ago. I decided I was old enough to do what I wanted to do for the holidays. Some years it’s nothing. Some years it’s a lot. This thought and all the subsequent actions are still a work in progress but the family is accepting that I won’t be there unless I can or more importantly WANT to be. Just because I don’t have kids doesn’t mean my family should/can have monopoly on my time.
      That being said: What do YOU want for decorations for Christmas? Will you enjoy the tree if you put one up? If so then invest the time and effort in yourself. Does it seem like too much this year? Then skip it. It’s your house, your rules, your wants, your needs. I have a faux 3′ tree that I typically love, but this year I haven’t yet put it up. I made the decision not to unless I decide I really want the ambiance of a lit tree this season. I do like the affect of lights in the house at night so until I decide differently on the tree, I’m just lighting candles at night around the house. It’s cozy and makes me happy.

    • Carrots

      It’s just me in my house and I’m in a Christmas show this season, but I still love having my tree up. Even if the lights are only on for the 1/2 hour I’m home and awake in the evenings this month, it brings me a bunch of happiness to see the lights lit on the tree.

    • Anonymous

      I’m single and I’ve always put up a (fake) tree. I make a little date with myself when I put up and take down the tree. Taking it down is admittedly the hard part, but it’s made easier with some wine and holiday leftovers. Seeing it every day makes me happy.

      I don’t decorate outside at all. I can’t be bothered to set up lights and remember to turn them on (and off) every night. I guess I could get a timer but my evenings are unpredictable and it makes me a little nervous to have lights on outside when I’m not home.

      • Equestrian Attorney

        I almost always spend Christmas at either my parents or my in-laws, but three years ago I decided my gift to myself was decorating my house for Christmas, including tree and advent calendars. It makes me really happy to set it up (did that yesterday!) and brings me joy from Dec 1 to 23. And last year my in-laws bailed so we unexpectedly spent Christmas at home, and I sure was happy our place was festive. So in my mind, yes absolutely, if it makes you happy do it.

    • anon

      But does it make you happy to see a nicely decorated tree? If the answer is no, don’t do it! I think some people genuinely love having a decorated tree to look at in their home.

      But also, you don’t have to do a 7 ft tree with tons of ornaments and lights and ribbons. If you want some decoration, but not a lot of work, you can get a prelit 3 ft tree and put your favorite ornaments on it. I do this as a second tree and it took less than 10 minutes. Not every christmas tree needs to look like a blogger did it.

    • Winterberry

      Similar situation here, and I usually do other decorations but not a tree. This year I did get a mini tree and decorated it with some cute lights from the dollar section of Target, but it’s only about a foot tall. Just an impulse buy, I guess. I always do live garlands around my house because I love the smell, and I always put a wreath on the door because it makes me happy to come home to it.
      So my answer is, I just do what makes me happy.

    • Sarabeth

      There’s a couple in our neighborhood who always go back to the wife’s home country for Christmas, they leave about a week beforehand. They get a tree and put it up, but give it away when they leave, usually to one of the older women on our block. It’s become a really lovely tradition.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t know if this is a helpful response, but I only put my tree up because my kids like it. If it was just me, I definitely would not put it up and never did until I had kids.

    • Anonymous

      I love real Christmas trees. Must be real, because I want the Christmas tree smell. We’re never home for Christmas, but we put one up early December and take it down around New Year’s (assuming it lasts that long). Even being gone the week of Christmas, that’s still 3 weeks of Christmas tree. We usually get about a 5 foot one instead of 7-8 foot one.

  19. Horse Crazy

    My SO and I have been looking for a new house to rent for a while, and we were just alerted that the one we really want is available to us…on January 1. And that they will keep the rent the same until August, when they will raise it by $300. We’re excited, but really stressed with the quick timeline (we were thinking that nothing would happen until February 1 at the earliest) and the knowledge that they will be raising the rent, which I realize is much better to know now than to be surprised by it in August, but still stressful – the rent now is already $400 more than we pay in our current place. Any advice on managing the move (which is luckily only 10 minutes from our current place) and saving money? We just got this news last night and are freaking out a little bit.

    • Anon

      So a $700/mo increase is a lot. Just because it’s what you really want doesn’t mean it’s the best house for you.

      • +1

        This! We did something very similar (crunch time/price increase/etc.) and it was brutal. We were effectively house poor. We moved out to an apt., which is nice, but not huge house + fenced-in yard nice, and we are frying our debt and in a fantastic place financially.

    • Anon

      If it helps – two friends I know are moving in two weeks (they found out this week) with a newborn baby and the guys back is out and the woman has a bunch of post labor health complications that are still healing. So life could be crazier?

      And if you can’t afford it don’t do it. Besides the rent increase moves come with so many hidden costs – your stuff never perfectly fits in the space because oh that shower curtain you used at your old place is now 2 feet too short for this new place etc.

    • Shenandoah

      Not sure if you’re in a more rural area with limited rentals or if you’re looking for a house with specific amenities that limits the rental pool, but it never hurts to negotiate. Why is the price increasing in August? Are they doing work to the house or is it $300 under market rate now? Negotiate that $300 price increase. But determine if it’s really the best move for you financially and don’t feel rushed into a decision that you may regret later.

    • Anonymous

      Biggest issue seems to be the $700 price increase, not the time frame. (You can make that work — no rule that says you can’t rent on January 1 and move on a different, later, date). Be sure, though, that $700 more is what you really want to be paying.

  20. Anon

    What do I want for Christmas from my mother-in-law? Nothing over $50 (or a few small things that add up to $50). She usually buys me pajamas and a small cooking tool, and I usually exchange the pajamas because she buys hideous color combos, and I tend towards black, white, and grey (I’m so lucky that this is the worst thing about her!). I don’t really need new pajamas this year. She’s asking what I want – any suggestions? She doesn’t drink, so I would prefer nothing alcohol-related, but kitchen/home stuff is good, and maybe clothes (but again, I’m wary of her color choices).

    • Anon

      Ask her if she’d be open to doing away with gifts. Tell her you’d love it if she made a donation to X instead.

    • Anonymous

      I’d go consumable. Nice olive oil and vinegar? Cheese? Chocolate? Spices a la Penzy’s? Or maybe some bath product – L’Occitane and Laura Mercier each has a bubble bath product that’s in the ~$40 range. L’Occcitane’s almond oil and hand lotions are also lovely.

    • Anon

      You want things you would already be buying yourself that will get used up. Splurgy Shampoo? Lotion? Make up? Socks. Seriously wool hiking socks. Birdseed. Travel cosmetics or a set for work? A book for your next vacation? A Magazine subscription? Bath bomb from Lush? Nail polish? Chapstick? New towels? New pillows? Expensive Tea and a new mug?

      New Slippers (link her to the specific ones and size)
      Upgrade something you use daily – better travel coffee cup, new water bottle, shhhhshowercap shower cap because that thing is amazing, better travel liquid containers,
      Have her get you the reusable version of something you use and throw away – like reusable ziploc bags or straws
      Board games for your next party – Codenames or Sushi Go! are great
      Good cooking supplies – nice baking chocolate, penzey’s vanilla and cinnamon
      If you have an instant pot she could get some things to help you get more use out of it – Nom Nom paleo has some good suggestions of gadgets for it

    • Anonimoose

      I’m the outlier here I think – I love getting and giving gifts! My sisters and I always include a book in our gifts to each other, so we’ve created our own mini lending library. Maybe a fancy edition of your favorite or a hardcover you wouldn’t buy yourself. Smartwool socks are now a go to for my family, because I can never get enough. I’ve already met my quota on kitchen utensils, but my most recent favorite that is within the $50 budget is my OXO immersion blender. I get a TON of use out of it – way more than I thought I would. Or upscale kitchen items I wouldn’t buy myself – Nielsen Massey Vanilla Bean Paste, King Arthur Flour precut parchment paper sheets (OMG LOVE), boiled apple cider, mexican hot chocolate mixes, smoked salt, etc

  21. Monday blues

    It’s the holidays, I’m single while seemingly all of my friends are married with babies, I have a birthday later this month, my job is just ok, and I’m just feeling generally uninspired. I’ve slacked off on exercise recently which I know doesn’t help. How can I get myself into a better mental space? I really don’t want to be Debbie Downer but today I just want to crawl under my desk and not interact with anyone.

    • No Problem

      I know the feeling. And it’s ok to feel that sometimes. Allow yourself some chocolate/candy/whatever your indulgence is. Go out for a walk, even if it’s cold out. Try to find the most ridiculous/prettiest/most unexpected xmas display on your walk. Buy yourself some good smelling candles. Get some fresh flowers for your home. Be thankful you can sleep 7-8 hours without a baby waking you up.

      • anonymouse

        +100 to all this. Sending you good vibes and some solidarity from across the internet.
        I feel similarly (and have for most of this year actually). Is there some celebration activity you can do just for you? A concert, a dinner, a yoga class, short or longer trip to a city you’ve been wanting to explore, a visit to a local museum, winery, etc? Take good care of you even if you feel blah. And happy early birthday! It’s good you’re here and here is to a great upcoming year for you!

    • Anon

      I like to travel solo when I’m feeling like this. I’m in the same boat. Early 30’s, single, ok job, nothing too exciting and miserable dating scene. I’m going to the Caribbean alone in 2 weeks.

      • Anonymous

        This is me, too. Can you share where you are going and if you’ve done this before with success on other trips? I’ve been thinking about doing this, but all solo trips have been cities, and worries that I’ll end up not having fun bc no one to eat dinner with and not much safe night life on an island.

        • Ness

          I have tried several destinations in my own and I think that Asia and South America are the best destinations for solo-travellers. I have done Caribean islands too but the unwanted atentention received there it is too much for me.
          I think the clue, apart of the destinations, is the kind of acomodation you choose. In a hostel it would be super easy to meet people being not necesary to use the dorms and having your private room if you want. In general I would avoid resorts or boutique hotels in order not to feel out of place sourronded of honey moon couples kind.
          As another women said me in my first solo trip “if you travel alone, you are never alone”.

      • Anon

        This is me. Also early 30s, single, ok job, just wasted a month on a dud(e). I like traveling when I can and luckily I’ve been able to rope others to join me, but most of my trips are planned as if I were going alone because I would’ve been okay solo-ing it if no one says yes to coming with me. I also go to the theater alone (broadway, ballet) because friends don’t always have the same taste or want to spend the money. I got a single ticket to our city’s aquarium this weekend too, just because I feel like it. Honestly I’m just at a point where if I want to do something I’ll do it without waiting for other people. Is there anything that you enjoy doing? If so, just do it. When you’re out and about you might bump into other interesting soloists. Or you can just enjoy your alone time in peace and quiet. Both are equally appealing to me.

    • Anon

      If you think it might be helpful, check out a sunlamp. The sun has hardly shone this year in D.C., and I am doing so much better after getting a mini sunlamp. I turn it on in the mornings as I poke around my phone while I’m still in bed.

    • Ellen

      Not to worry. There are SO many of us in the HIVE in the same boat as you, many more then actually step up and comment, the way we do. But Do NOT FRET! The Boat is NOT sinkeing! Instead, we are going find ways to be happy this season, even if we do NOT have a schlub in our beds to keep us warm and tingeley this holiday season. This weekend, I went with Myrna up to the Bronx to visit with her relatives, and we all had a great time, even without any men there! It is so refreshing to be able to be myself, without being concerned about how I look, or whether some man will not find me s-xueally appealing b/c of my tuchus or whatever. After all, we are all beautiful in our own way, even if we are not married. The law does NOT require us to be married to be happy, and while I hope to be married w/children soon, having a MAN is NOT a prerequestite. So I am pursuing the IVF route next January, and am using the $50K that Grandma Leyeh gave me to do so. YAY!!!!

  22. In-House in Texas

    Can anyone recommend a good nail strengthener? My nails peel and I’ve tried everything on the market…..Sally Hansen, Naitiques, Essie, OPI, you name it. Looking for a hidden gem that maybe I’ve never heard of. And I’ve been taking the nail/skin gummies for over a year….no change at all. Help please!! TIA!!

    • Flats Only

      I ate a lot of avocados over the summer (mostly on toast for breakfast) and my nails grew like crazy and were really strong and didn’t peel. So not an instant solution but you might want to try 1/2 an avocado per day for a week or two and see what happens.

    • Anonymous

      The only solution I’ve found is refusing to let nail techs buff the surface of the nail when I get a manicure.

    • CostAccountant

      Naitiques has 2 strengths. If that’s not working try adding vitimins E oil. A double plus one to not letting the nail tech do anything to hurt your nails.

    • Anonymous

      Try the products from hoofmaker. They make a human version. When I used to put the horse version on my horses hooves by hand, my nails were so strong I could barely clip the thumbnail.

  23. Anon

    Any recommendations on winter getaways from NYC, for 4-5 days or so? Work is finally looking like it’ll wind down and my SO and I are due for some time to ourselves. Looking for something low-key, comfortable, where we can just get away from the city and unwind.

    • Anon

      One of my favorite low-key destinations is Lincoln/Woodstock, NH. Absolutely beautiful nature/skiing, sweet people, quaint shops. There’s a little diner (Sunny Day Diner) that makes the most amazing banana bread French toast you’ll ever eat. There’s a brewery for dinner after a day outdoors (Woodstock Brewery – eat in the back in the rustic brewery/bar part – avoid the 1990s pink carpet and chintz curtains in the Victorian house part of the restaurant…I mean, unless that’s your thing.)

      A friend has a ski condo there, which is how we originally discovered it, but we’ve stayed at The Wilderness Inn when his condo’s been booked and the owner is so friendly and helpful with suggestions for activities.

      There’s a sweet Mom & Pop maple syrup farm called Sugarbush Farm about 90 minutes away for a fun little roadtrip. We live in D.C. and make it a point to order from them year after year.

    • Rosemary Beach

      Off-season 30A travel is my fave. Alys Beach and Rosemary are our favorites.

  24. Time to lean in (I guess!)

    My boss just gave her notice that she’ll be leaving in January. I’m really sad about this because she has been an amazing manager and real advocate for her employees, as well as a great mentor and just extremely talented at her/our job.

    She’s encouraged me to reach out to her boss/my grandboss about at least temporarily taking on some of her responsibilities if not her whole role. She said she mentioned it to grandboss but that it would mean more coming from me, but that she just wants me to be careful of being stuck with increased duties without any of the benefits (actual title, pay – we are public service so this is not flexible right now, I just got promoted in-grade so won’t be eligible for an actual promotion until next fall.) My boss did her job as “acting” for a year before she got the promotion because of a similar situation, and has been here for 7 years.

    I am a little nervous about “leaning in” because I am by and far the youngest and newest (3 years here) member of my team and would move moving to try and manage a team that I was previous equal to. My boss said she is confident I can do it and the only person on our team she’d recommend. This is the next move in my career, whether I try to do it here or wait until I’m eligible next year/in another year or two and move to a different organization to do it there. There is also the unknown factor of who will replace her – would I rather control my own fate by having it be me? Any advice on how to get over the nerves? Reading material welcome too!

    • Anonymous

      Two separate issues: stepping up to lead the team, and taking on the responsibility without the title or pay. I’d apply to do the first, and I’d NEVER do the second.

      • Anon

        Although I understand why (and basically feel the same way), this is just the way it is in many government offices. I would never take on the additional responsibility without additional pay in the private world, but would do it in my government office because that is often who you get promoted

    • LAnon

      I think suggesting that you take on the role is a great idea. You acknowledge that this is definitely the next step in your career, so it seems like a good opportunity to take on some of these responsibilities as a way to further your career. It’s not ideal to take on more work with no increased pay/title, but I think still manageable – I think you’d want to make a decision that if you don’t get officially promoted by X date, you will look for a new role at a different organization. You will be a MUCH more attractive candidate to take the next step elsewhere if you’ve already been doing some of the work in your current position, plus it gives you a great answer to “why are you leaving?”

  25. Anon

    Are there any influencers (micro or not) here who can give me Instagram tips? I have a bl0g with quite a few regular readers and commenters. I have about 5k followers on Twitter. But I can’t for the life of me break 2,000 followers on Instagram, although my brand originated there (my Instagram pre-dated the bl0g or twitter). And unfortunately it seems that Instagram followers is the only stat brands care about. I also feel like I have low engagement for my follower count. I rarely break 100 likes on photos, and usually less than half of those are from followers. I’m so tired of the game people play on Instagram where they follow just to get a follow back and then immediately unfollow. Basically I hate Instagram in general but I realize I have to use it and get better at it if I want to get more partnership opportunities. Anyone have tips?

    • Anonymous

      this isnt interesting to anyone here. i actuslly hate what the word influencer has become.

  26. Weird One

    Hoping this isn’t too late.

    To be vague, I’m on a board of a local non-profit who is interviewing for a new ED. One of the members of the search committee wants to plant trash in front of the building and film/observe who picks it up & who doesn’t. They want to do this to see who is devoted to the neighborhood.

    This to me feels shady & not exactly above board (personally, I don’t want an ED who thinks filming subordinates is normal, and expected) and I wouldn’t take a job where someone was going to film my actions before an interview on the street to see whether or not I picked up trash. I know it’s legal and I’m dealing with older people who approaching these things a bit differently than me.

    Is this normal and I’m the one who should just move on or does it seem odd?

    • Anon

      this is so strange for many reasons. unless this was a very large and obvious piece of trash, someone could overlook the garbage, is there a garbage can right there so they could throw it away before their interview, or you would be expecting them to show up to their interview with the trash? what if the person you are interviewing has a health condition unknown to you or a family member with a health condition and is trying to avoid exposure to certain germs/bacteria. i think you could still be dedicated to the neighborhood and not pick up this trash.

    • Anonymous

      This is shady, totally weird, and calculated to select the wrong type of candidate.

    • Anonymous

      I think this is too narrow of a way to detect devotion. I’d never pick up trash on my way into an interview, because I’m about to walk in and shake hands with people and I wouldn’t handle trash just before doing that. Plus, I’m not going to take ownership of your building/grounds. Or walk into your reception area carrying trash.

      I don’t necessarily see it as shady. And being “older people” doesn’t seem relevant. It’s just odd, ineffective, and unusually fussy as a hiring tool.

      However…do you have any say in the matter? Is what we think relevant at all? We can’t control what this person does.

      • Anonymous

        Yes, I do have a say in the matter but I didn’t want to come across as the young board member who “just doesn’t understand”. I mentioned age because they approach things like boundaries, privacy and work ethic in ways that aren’t the norm anymore and other than age, I do not know what would cause this.

        Thanks for the input – just wanted to see if I was reading too far into something.

        • Anon

          If they are older and not in sync with modern norms, I would emphasise convention:

          “This is a very unorthodox way of screening candidates. As the interviewees are also assessing us, I would be leery of using a novel and unconventional screening tool. Even if the interviewee ‘passes’ the test, they would likely not accept the job. Good candidates find it off-putting when anything on our end looks unprofessional.”

    • Anonymous

      This is weird. I understand why you are being vague- but is this non-profit focused on environmental work or refuse management? Are you next going to judge them if they don’t have a chance to clean their hands when they get inside? Is this really the best way to determine someone’s commitment to the neighborhood? I’d ignore this suggestion..

    • anon

      Why don’t you just ask them an interview question asking what they have done in the past or what they would do in the future to show dedication to whatever kind of neighborhood you’re serving? FWIW, I would not pick up trash right before going into an interview when I didn’t know if there would be a place to wash my hands, etc. Or probably in general.

    • anon

      This is weird AF. As others have said, someone could overlook it. Let’s say I’m wearing a skirt suit and heels. I can’t just bend over comfortably. I’d have to do this awkward squat-kneel which is annoying and requires balance. If your board feels like it can’t determine who is devoted to the neighborhood without a gimmick like this, there are bigger problems. Being ‘dedicated to the neighborhood’ goes so far beyond picking up a piece of trash.

    • Anonymous

      This is bizarre and misguided. You need an ED who is a great at her job, which doesn’t not necessarily mean the person who is the most committed to the neighborhood. Even assuming that is the focus of the nonprofit’s work, passion is not enough to run a successful organization. Most nonprofits have plenty of staff who are passionate. They need leaders who are great fundraisers and great managers who can think strategically and channel that passion in useful ways.

    • ohc

      I agree with others that this is really odd and not a good way to screen candidates.

      I have a leadership role at a site-based non-profit, and frankly, if I were coming in for an interview and noticed a lot of trash around the entry, I wouldn’t pick it up for the reasons noted above, but it would make me think differently about the organization: I would wonder what was going on that they didn’t adequately maintain their facilities. Why would you manufacture that mindset for an incoming ED? Has your fellow Board member considered what kind of impression this set-up would give to your candidates? What about how it will make your neighbors and constituents feel? (I’m now highly entertained imagining a Board member trying to explain that no, really, they littered to *help* the neighborhood organization.)

    • Lots to Learn

      I may know where this is coming from. I read an article a while ago about an owner of a Chick-fil-A restaurant who would do just this when he was interviewing people for jobs in the store – he wanted to see if they would pick up the trash. And it’s always bummed me out because I am pretty sure I wouldn’t have picked it up for the reasons others have mentioned and I wouldn’t have gotten the job. It is a little different, I think, in that he was hiring people whose jobs it would be to do stuff like pick up trash and they are all about service and going the extra mile — not the ED. But it did make me think. Just FYI

  27. desigirl

    I would not pick up the trash either before going into an office for an interview. What if it had some grease or dirt that would stain my interview clothing? Also, videotaping people, even if the front of your offices is a public place is a shady as F%@k!!!

  28. Small Firm IP Litigator

    I think you’ve gotten good advice already, although a few additional comments piggybacking off of others. Definitely figure out the personalities, and client expectations. When I transitioned from biglaw, I asked a lot of direct questions to attorneys and staff of all levels. I was surprised to find out that the leader of my group doesn’t really figure out who is working on what, but other more junior partners do. I found that out by asking him directly.

    I don’t know how your firm structures its fees, but my firm does almost all contingency work, so clients (and partners) care more about results and not how much time I spend on things (I doubt the clients even know). I am also expected to perform higher level tasks, like take depos, argue in court, take witnesses at trial, attend and participate in client/strategy meetings. This is all incredibly different than biglaw.

    Not all smaller firms do smaller cases. We also have bigger ticket cases and more frequent trials than my prior biglaw firm.

  29. Eyes of the World

    Socks question – planning to buy no show socks to wear with booties that come down on the sides. I don’t like Hue/thin trouser sock type no show socks. I’m deciding between Smartwool and Bombas – any feedback on either?

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