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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 199 Comments · by

Wednesday’s TPS Report: Knit Moto Jacket

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Ann Taylor Knit Moto JacketI really like the look of this knit moto jacket, on sale at Ann Taylor. The faux leather details look lux, the asymmetrical zip lends a bit of an edge, and in general it looks like a nice step up from a cardigan (or step down from a more structured blazer). It's available in regular, petite, and tall sizes — was $179, then marked to $150, but with the extra 40% off with today's sale (no code) it comes down to $89. Ann Taylor Knit Moto Jacket Here's a similar plus-size pick. P.S. Note that Nordstrom has a ton of Jimmy Choo shoes on sale as part of their designer clearance sale. This previously featured Max Mara dress is down to $270! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

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Comments

  1. anonymous

    repost from early this morning:
    I just bought a beautiful cream wool jacket, but it looks like the dye from my black leather purse has rubbed off a little on it. What do I do about this? Is dry cleaning enough?

    • roses

      I’m not sure there is anything you can do, unfortunately – I had this happen with my off-white Lady Day coat and it didn’t come out with dry cleaning.

        • Anonymous

          I believe that ink can be removed from stuff with rubbing alcohol. If you have nothing to lose, you might see if that could help.

  2. Follow up- LTC issue

    Thanks to everyone who gave such excellent feedback on my family/LTC issue situation yesterday. You gave me a lot to think about.

    I really read and thought about what others wrote and have realized that the key issue is this: the dying individual has no say over what is happening to him through his disease. He has no control over so many physical things and is losing the ability to make his wishes known. He’s asked for very little, but one thing that he has specifically asked for is to die at home. Something I have discovered about myself is that the very strong instinct to advocate for someone’s wishes when they are not able to express them themselves.

    I’m working on my compassion towards his wife and as someone suggested, maybe getting him out of a hostile environment and into a more peaceful setting is a good decision. It’s not what he wants, but maybe it’s the most reasonable solution.

    • anon

      I didn’t comment yesterday, though I read the feedback. I think – based on a similar situation with a dying relative – that dying at home should be allowed if at all possible. I also think that if he feels his financial needs aren’t being addressed that he should be able to hire an attorney or advocate to hold power of attorney until he dies: This person could serve a valuable check-and-balance function. It sounds like the wife will have control of the couple’s entire estate soon enough anyway.

      Good luck to you and the family

    • anon

      I also didn’t comment yesterday and read the feedback. I must say I was a little surprised at how little the general group seemed to be concerned about the wife completely ignoring her husband’s wishes.

      I have a small amount of experience with elder law issues, and I think you did the right thing in seeking the advice of an elder law attorney. Elder law attorneys are trained to deal with very complicated and intense issues like what you’ve described with your family. I remember we used to actually (as gently as possible) force the families out of the room so we could have one on one conversations with our clients to ensure that their voice was being heard, because the biggest risk in elder law is that the client’s wishes are being ignored in favor of their family’s wishes. You say that he’s already said he doesn’t trust her, so if his disease is progressing quickly, I think it’s really important that he follows up with the attorney and identifies the people that he does trust and assign them the power to make the decisions, financially and even medically if that is appropriate. He doesn’t have to sit idly by and watch his wife completely hijack his dying process just because she has problems herself.

      Bottom line: this is his decision. If he’s afraid of his wife and is willing to let her retain control despite his unhappiness, then I don’t think it’s anyone else’s place to try to force him to take control (as unfortunate as that is). But if he’s asking you all for help because he can’t advocate for himself, I think you’re doing what any compassionate person would do by trying to help him preserve his voice.

      • Follow up- LTC issue

        Thank you. I received an earful from Wife about my being in any way associated with the distribution of phone numbers and got the ‘I didn’t think we needed a lawyer,’ tirade. Nothing like a side of verbal abuse with your morning coffee, eh?

        Thank you for the validation that this was a good move. There has just been so much drama and the Wife especially trying to get people to take sides- I felt like we needed someone to get his wishes down on paper while he still could communicate.

    • Seattle Freeze

      I think you have some wonderful insight into your own responses and your relative’s wishes here. One thing I’d like to offer is that sometimes you can honor and respect a person’s wishes even when the situation doesn’t permit actually implementing them. In your relative’s case, it sounded from the discussion yesterday that his wife may not be in a position to cope with his dying at home, whether through providing care herself or through supporting other caretakers.

      When my father was dying, he also wanted to leave the hospital and die at home. He’d felt strongly about this for a long time – even written a poem about it – and we tried to find a way to make it happen for him. But he was no longer able to breathe without support, his wife wasn’t cooperative, and my siblings and I weren’t able to stay indefinitely to provide care. In the end, his condition worsened quickly and dramatically, and we opted for in-hospital hospice. Even though he wasn’t able to die at home, he died with his children next to him, holding his hands. It wasn’t the kind of death he’d envisioned for himself, but it was a death with dignity and love. I hope that can be possible for your relative as well – he has a good and compassionate advocate in you.

      • Meg Murry

        Yes – I wanted to add that there is a lot of room between “dying at home” and “dying alone in a hospital bed/nursing home hooked up to machines”. While a lot of people hold “dying at home” as their gold standard, there are a lot of hospice situations that are a lot more home-like than a hospital, and may be easier on all involved. And while you have to respect the wishes of the dying, it is the wife’s home as well, and she should have a voice in this as well and hopefullly they can come to a compromise. My grandmother went to a care facility for a few days/weeks while we re-arranged her apartment (brought in a hospital bed, moved furniture, etc) and it allowed her to die at home with round-the-clock hospice care – but she also didn’t have a spouse to be accommodated during that time.

    • thoughts as an MD....

      Rough.

      But it sounds like there are not enough resources here to support your relatives. Who is going to the doctor’s appointments with them? By now there should be a social worker involved, home nursing, hospice and psychiatric support services for the wife and husband. These should have been done long before calling a lawyer…

      I do agree with getting an elder law attorney involved. It is important that his preferences get documented while he is competent. And certainly if the wife cannot manage the finances, someone needs to help with this. I don’t know what disorder he has, but I have to tell you….. if he will be mentally competent until the end he will likely be able to communicate in some way. Even if it is just yes/no, that can help a lot. But most disorders that have a time course you describe do NOT have intact cognitive function in the end, which in many ways is a blessing.

      But demanding to be able to die in your own home is NOT part of a living will. You cannot demand and force another person to take care of you, particularly as it appears that the wife may not be capable In fact, this is quite cruel, and in many ways is a form of torture.

      Sometimes assisted living is a better option, and it definitely may be in this case.

      The wife is clearly horribly depressed and needs care. Who has called her doctor? A social worker needs to get there immediately and hospice should be involved as soon as possible. They are very accustomed to situations like this.

      Also…. how incredibly difficult it can be to manage someone who will require 24 hr care to stay at home to die. I am trying to do this currently for my father, and I’m a doctor, and it is extremely stressful and difficult You imply like this is a simple thing that can run smoothly so the wife can sit back … but sadly it is not.

      How many here have had to screen, hire and train healthcare workers to do 24hr care? You can’t just hire an agency and assume they know what they are doing. There will be half a dozen people going through her home over a course of a week, that may change regularly. 24hrs a day. It is very hard to find people who are competent, don’t steal from you, and that you can tolerate in your home 24hrs a day. And if your husband is dying and you are depressed, it is a nightmare…..

      Who has gone to a doctor’s appointment with this couple? Where are the children? Who is moving back/taking FMLA to help? What are the local hospice resources like and have they started coming yet? Who has called the local Department of Aging to find out what resources they qualify for to help? Who has taken over providing food, helping to run errands, clean the house etc… Who is going to manage all of the hired caregivers who will be coming? The lawyer?

      I realize that this is not your responsibility. Social workers, hospice and psychiatric assessment for the couple are the most important next steps. And yes, look at Assisted Living options. The wife may relax simply knowing that is an option, but she may not choose to use it. Remember, the wife now feels like she has also lost control of everything in her life too.

      Good luck. And thanks for making time for this. There is nothing more important.

      • Anon

        Just writing in to say that I know a ton of single (and married people) in their later years who never had children (or the children are far, far away, often with their own children, and cannot just come home). My husband has one sibling, two aunts, and three older cousins (of some sort of other, all are older by 10-15 years) for whom he is the next closest living relative *and* he lives b/w 5 and 8 hours away from all of them. I am dreading these days already.

      • OP

        Thank you. It was hard to read this but good. I am only one individuals in a small army willing to support. Prior to contacting the attorney, we had already accessed a huge array of resources. We did have an issue with the wife canceling appointments but we just keep rescheduling them- I think that’s all I can do.

        I definitely hear what you’re saying about the assisted living option. I’m coming around to it. I’ll also say that I am doing everything I can to get her engaged in good, meaningful therapy.

        • thoughts as an MD....

          Thank you for doing what you have done already, which is much more than the vast majority of family members in your position would do in this situation. It is so important.

          Thank you even more for asking for input, and being so thoughtful in response. Your relatives are lucky to have you as an advocate.

          Yes…. keep rescheduling… We even once had a nurse call my Dad to TELL HIM he had to come in. You do whatever you have to do.

          The goal is empathy, not sympathy. Empathy is much harder, but it usually leads you in the right direction.

      • Anonymous

        I’m a caregiving spouse. Thank you for saying all of this. It may look very easy to criticize the wife from the outside, but I truly don’t think there are many things more isolating than dealing with these issues from the inside. And as a “mere” relative, you’re not on the inside.

        • OP

          So much love to you.

          I’m posting here for exactly this type of guidance. I’m seeing that even though wife is (and has been for the decades I’ve known her) a difficult personality, I need to remember that she is still entitled to sympathy, empathy and a voice.

        • Alana

          Thank you for offering your perspective, Anonymous at 2:15. Caregiving seems like one of the most difficult tasks out there because it is a 24/7 duty, and unlike childcare, it gets progressively more difficult and can last much longer.

          I hope you are getting some form of help in order to maintain your well-being.

        • thoughts as an MD....

          I’m right there with you, sister.

          My monthly caregiver support group (which I get to every few months) is my only sounding board that understands.

  3. Anonymous

    I just received bedding that I ordered from Garnet Hill and it’s very disappointing, not soft at all. I don’t understand all the positive reviews. It looks nice but it doesn’t feel nice. Any other recommendations for truly smooth and soft sheets? Thank you!

    • Cb

      I really like my Garnet Hill sheets but they did feel pretty rough out of the package. Now, probably 20 washes later, they are really soft.

    • Anonymous

      For non-winter I am obsessed with the Ralph Lauren Dunham sheets and for winter flannel I use the 190g Pizon flannel from Amazon – both are amazing, incredibly reasonably priced, and sturdy.

      Good luck!

    • Anon

      Threshold, which you can find at Target, has an ultra soft line of its sheets. They’re super soft.

      • Senior Attorney

        +1 for the Threshold sheets. They also wash really nicely — not many wrinkles.

      • RLS

        Threshold sheets for the win! I’ve had their organic ones, and their damask stripe ones, and they’re the only sheets I will ever buy now. They last forever, and they’re soft immediately.

      • Marilla

        +3 to Threshold sheets from Target. Definitely my favourite of my sheet sets and they’ve worn better than the others that are in equally frequent rotation.

    • Anon

      The softness of sheets mostly has to do with how many tiny little fibers are sticking up and poking you. Therefore the softest sheets will be those with the longest staple – fewer ends because each thread can be made with fewer, longer fibers – and the longest staple cotton is Pima. This is also marketed under the brand name Supima. So look for Pima or Supima sheets with a reasonably high threadcount. I always get them from overstock.

      Lower quality sheets that are not made from long staple cotton will be softer at first but get less soft and more pilled with washing. High threadcount Pima sheets will get softer and softer with washing and won’t pill, again because of the longer fiber.

      I swear I don’t work for the cotton industry! I did all this research for my own sheets and have been very happy since.

      Happy sleeping!

    • Meg Murry

      Thesweethome also commented that Garnet Hill sheets weren’t that soft. I’ve never bought any of the sheet they’ve listed here, but I’ve followed some of their other reviews and found their pick to be a good one. Plus, actual science in the testings a ratings!

      http://thesweethome.com/reviews/best-sheets-new/

    • Anonymous

      Thank you so much, everyone! I truly appreciate your comments and suggestions!

      • Miz Swizz

        I’ve been watching Property Brothers like it’s my job! I think they’re still a bit out there in their decorating (so many over-the-top chandeliers) but I’ve still been hooked. Plus you can fast forward to the reveal if you aren’t that invested in watching the full episode.

        • Mpls

          I have found that I’m really hearing the Canadian accent come out. Also, too many back to back episodes makes the homeowners kind of annoying.

    • Anonymous

      The Hour. The Bletchly Circle. Millionaire Matchmaker. That show with Vanilla Ice being Amish. Big Fat Gypsy Wedding.

    • sweetknee

      Wentworth. Two seasons on Netflix. Binge watched last weekend. Australian version of Orange is the New Black. In fact, I liked it better.

    • Em

      Hart of Dixie is ideal sick day watching, in my opinion. Now that Gilmore Girls is on Netflix, that’s probably not bad either.

    • Senior Attorney

      I’ve been binge-watching “Once Upon a Time” on Netflix. Kind of dumb but I can’t. stop. watching.

      • Brant

        it is so bad! but DH and I are both addicted. And we can’t explain why or admit it to others! It’s worse than lost by factors of ten, but we still tune in every week. It is the oNLY live TV we watch. *hangs head in shame*

      • Gail the Goldfish

        Agreed. Also, I’ve been binge-watching Parks and Recreation, which I’m enjoying.

    • Baconpancakes

      I’m being screamed at by my friends for not having watched Black Mirror, so if you like sci-fi, give that a try?

    • NYtoCO

      Parks and Rec has ended up being one of my favorite shows ever, and I’m extremely sad that I’ve gotten through all of them.

    • Bewitched

      I watched a documentary called “Somm” about sommeliers recently. Fascinating, and I’m not even much of a wine drinker! Also, Catching Fire, if you haven’t seen that before.

    • Anonymous

      2nd the recommendation for Somm. If you have a twisted sense of humor, like me, would recommend the 13 episodes of Legit, and the 2 seasons of Better Off Ted.

    • Tibby

      Mindy Project! Also Pretty Little Liars, Scandal, My So-Called Life, Felicity. West Wing if you’re looking for something less fluffy. And I’m embarrassed to say I recently made it through all of Lipstick Jungle, which is cheesy but kind of entertaining. Underrated movie: The Giant Mechanical Man.

  5. Ellen

    Yay! I love Ann Taylor, and dad reactivated my credit card’s so I am BACK in busness! DOUBEL YAY! But he said he would cut them again if I execeed my December limit’s, which he did NOT tell me. He has INTERNET access to my account’s so he can cut them off at any time. FOOEY!

    I could NOT reserve the Grand Central apartement for our holiday party. The guy laughed at me like I was dumb or something. Bad customer releations, I told him. He said mabye for next year if I were nice to him. FOOEY on him. I still need a VENEUE for our holiday party, and now it look’s like it will be later then usueal. I wish Margie would have helped but she is pregeneant and ready to go any day now. She is so lucky to be haveing a child, but with the manageing partner as the daddy, I think it will be a challenge. He is VERY demandeing and I do NOT think she will be abel to go shoppeing as much any more unless she get’s a FULL TIME LIVE IN NANNY! YAY! That is what I want and what Rosa has, but Rosa has 3 kid’s and that is diferent.

    Dad called last night and asked why my Fitbit steps were down. I told him to looke outside, b/c it was wet and raining. He said that the 3 Merill guys would have MARRIED me but for my big TUCHUS, so work it off! I said FOOEY, I would NOT marry those guy’s anyway b/c they were NOT at MY level! He said any man willing to take me on would be good enough for him b/c he want’s to hand me off to some other guy to manage! FOOEY, b/c I can manage myself. How else would a girl like me be abel to work thru law school, get a great job and be a member of the NY Bar, in good standeing? He did NOT have an answer to that, but just said that at 33, I should be MARRIED and have kids, or at least on the way. I reminded him about Alan, and he said Sheketovits would have been fine once he dried out. At least he recognized that he was a drunk (and probabley still is).

    He warned me that Grandma Leyeh is NOT getteing any younger, and she is getting impateient with me for NOT marrying and having a baby. I said ME TOO! I want a baby! I want a HUSBAND first who is NOT a schlub! But where can I find such a guy? There has got to be more then on Jared Kushner, and Ivanka can’t be the ONLEY lucky girl in Manahattan! DOUBEL FOOEY!

  6. in the mood for docs

    I posted this same question yesterday and got some useful answers: Box, Engnyte, Google Drive, FileSite and iManage. Thanks to everyone who replied.

    I am reposting in case someone has more ideas:

    Which document management system/ document repository do you use at work and or you like it?

    I work at a startup and will be picking one. We are a small team distributed in 4 offices and don’t have an IT department as such, so I am thinking it should be cloud based.

    TIA for your input.

    • Meg Murry

      You will probably get a good response if you post on AskAManager.org ‘s Friday Open Thread – but wait until the open thread, because threadjacks aren’t otherwise welcome there. She also recommended igloo as an intranet provider – not sure if it will suit your needs for document management for thing that are changing as opposed to semi-static policies as procedures, but might be worth looking into.

      http://www.askamanager.org/2014/09/you-need-a-better-intranet-igloo.html

      • in the mood for docs

        Thanks! Will have a look at igloo and ask in the open thread there too.

    • amberwitch

      Office365 is cloudbased, comes with Enterprise OneCloud and SharePoint Online in case versioning is important.

  7. Lyssa

    Another gift-giving question. I usually exchange gifts with each of my 3 siblings and their spouses and kids. My brother and his wife, who have 3 kids, have been very strapped for money lately (surprise twins in daycare) and last year decided not to get anything other than for kids, and this year are not getting gifts for anyone other than their kids, which I totally understand. They, of course, said we don’t have to get anything for them, but last year I did get them something anyway – but I think that my brother just felt bad about it. This year they said again that they’re even more strapped and not to get them anything. I feel bad about this because I don’t really want to view the gifts as some sort of a quid pro quo, but I also don’t want to make anyone feel bad or awkward. Gift them, or not? Maybe something like a food gift basket or nicely boxed up homemade cookies? (I’ll still get gifts for their kids regardless.)

    FWIW, we don’t usually do big gifts – something in the $25-$35 dollar range would be normal (big family!).

    • LeChouette

      I think cookies or something similar would be nice — while still a “gift” it feels more like a card or just an expression of cheer – especially if you will be spending time with them over the holidays and will be able to partake.

    • ac

      A family/experience gift that they may not otherwise do if they’re cash-strapped? E.g., zoo or museum passes somewhere local & easy to get to for them. Bonus that you could have it delivered by email so no one feels left out.

      • roses

        Yes, this. Get something that you can frame as “for the kids” but that they’ll benefit from too. This could also be gift cards to a kid-friendly restaurant.

      • Wildkitten

        Family passes for the zoo sound AWESOME. I am now asking Santa for those and I don’t even have kids.

      • Lyssa

        That sounds like a good idea. We’ve thought about inviting them to the zoo with us and haven’t because of the financial issues, so I think I’ll look into that. Thanks!!!

        • Meg Murry

          Our zoo offers an option to add a babysitter or guest to the membership – so you could get each sibling’s family a zoo membership, and the babysitter/guest option allows grandparents to take the kids to the zoo as well – so it could be a gift the whole family could use together if wanted.

          Could you offer up a “come with us” present? Not to stereotype, but a package for you and SIL to get a pedicure and/or massage together, brother and husband to go on a beer tasting tour or similar? Or just plan to give them something like that in January, so it isn’t really a Christmas present but a “just because”.

          • Anon

            Wouldn’t they just feel awkward the whole time, though? The zoo may not since it’s a present for the kids, but if I had to go get a manicure with someone that would be the worst because I’d be uncomfortable.

    • kc

      I think cookies or a bottle of wine (or maybe a basket with cheese, wine, crackers, fig spread, etc..) would be nice. Or maybe you could give a non-monetary gift like babysitting the kids while they go out for a night (maybe the entire family could give a group-gift of a restaurant gift certificate).

    • TXLawyer

      I am trying really hard to take people at their word. If my brother said that he’d prefer not to receive a gift this Christmas, I’d assume he means it. But maybe you could offer to babysit so that they can go Christmas shopping for the kids?

    • Anon

      I’d respect the request. You’re getting the kids stuff so it’s not like you’re ignoring the family. I wouldn’t do food unless you’re someone who always makes cookies or something, but no gift baskets – there’s no difference between that and some other kind of gift.

    • Baconpancakes

      Send a really nice card! Having done the “please, no gifts” and received them in the past, I always feel like a jerk for not giving something back, even if the person knew I didn’t want anything and gave it anyway, saying they were totally fine not getting anything. (I feel like even more of a jerk because I usually ask “no gifts” because I don’t want more cluttering junk in my house and the people who inevitably give those gifts don’t share my tastes, but that’s another story.)

      I also like the family experience gift – zoo, or a really sweet aquarium, kids’ concert series, even a gift certificate to an amusement park would be great!

    • ANP

      I like a lot of the ideas on this thread. I agree with doing something for the kids that’s experiential or more of a family gift.

      Could you have the whole family over and maybe hire a sitter to keep the kids busy while you guys have grownup time/discussion over wine and a good dinner? Sometimes the gift of peace and quiet is the best of all!

      • Anon

        I love when people give us “experience” gifts. For example, with one of our close friends we don’t exchange gifts, but instead we all go bowling together. The kids love it, it is nice to hang out with everyone, and no junk to clutter the house.

    • Anonymous

      Respect their wishes and do not give them a gift. It will make them happy.

      • anon

        I totally agree with this. They will feel bad on some level if you give a gift and they do not reciprocate. Personally, I would LOVE it if my family would agree to stop gift giving among the adults. At this point (siblings are all in 30s and 40s), no one really needs anything, and gifts I receive (other than food) are often things I don’t really want. I’d rather just spend time together and maybe exchange cards.

    • hoola hoopa

      I’ve been your brother and personally I’m fine with whatever you choose so long as you say ‘I wanted to get your something but I’m not expecting anything in return’. I know they’ve heard me and understand the situation, which is all I really care about. FWIW, they did give us gifts every year even when they understood that all we would give is something very small to their daughter.

      +10000 to the zoo (or similar) membership/passes. They gave us that exact thing on a particular strapped year and it was SO appreciated.

    • lawsuited

      I think it’s nice to give gifts out of love not obligation, so if you feel you want to give your brother something then you should. I agree that a gift like movie passes or a restaurant giftcard that will fit in their Christmas card and not feel ostentatious will probably be the most comfortable for them to recieve, and also be helpful if they are cash-strapped and perhaps struggling to afford luxuries like dinners out.

    • another idea

      One thing that my brother and I do now that we are older and don’t need more stuff/can buy our own things is just to take the other person out to dinner. It sounds really simple, but we both really enjoy it and it gives us a chance to still be friends in a way we were when we were kids and often feel is lost now that we’ve both grown up and are often only around each other in large groups at family holidays. Maybe to help prevent your brother from feeling like it’s something grossly disproportionate to what he could ever return, you could just invite him and his wife over to a dinner at your home. That way you can still feel like you’re providing a nice relaxing night for him, but still also get the chance to spend time with him as well.

  8. Anon DC

    Any reccs for sports med physician in DC/NOVA? My insurance company (BCBS) only lets me search for orthopedists, and I’m open to that, but this is a minor injury and I’m hoping to find someone more focused on rehab than surgery.

    • Baconpancakes

      I was really, really happy with MedStar Health’s NRH Rehabilitation on 19th Street. PT Maxwell Cantor was fantastic with exercises, realistic about what I could expect, progressive on his techniques and getting me stronger and even back to running(!), and really cute, too.

    • Anonymous

      George Branch and Anderson Orthopaedic in Arlington. If you need a physical therapist, try Jackson Clinic (depending on what part needs rehab there will be a variety of PTs).

  10. Anon for this

    How do you choose a realtor? I mean, I know that “ask for recommendations” is the conventional wisdom, but what if you literally know no one who has bought recently in your desired area? Are there good webs!tes for this?

    Relatedly…anyone have recommendations for a good DC realtor familiar with condos in the H Street / Capitol Hill / Barney Circle areas? Bonus if used to working with people with a LIMITED budget by DC standards ($400k max).

  11. Rogue Banker

    This jacket looks really good, and I love the asymmetrical zip, but I can never get motos to look right on me, especially not unzipped. :( Dear Santa, can I get a model figure for Christmas?

    TJ/looking for advice: Had some pretty intense dental work done yesterday, and I’m in work half-dopey on painkillers and still sore. Any suggestions for how to keep one’s spirits up in the office when all you want to do is go home and curl up with an ice pack and a book?

    • KittyKat

      Give yourself some slack. If you get distracted by the internet for 20 minutes, who cares? If you decide to splurge on a fancy not so healthy smoothie, who cares? I’m sure your office will be sympathetic and impressed you even showed up. Just get through the day even if you can’t be ultra productive.

      • Rogue Banker

        Thanks. :) Luckily I’ve been able to make it a slow day at work, so I can get away with futzing around online. And smoothie for lunch sounds like a brilliant idea, thank you~ :D

    • Bonnie

      Go home early if you can. Otherwise, sounds like a perfect time to do Christmas shopping online.

      • Rogue Banker

        Thanks for the idea – still waiting on too many people to get back to me re: Christmas gifts, but I’m doing a fair bit of (window) shopping for me right now. :)

  12. Anon for this (regular reader/lurker)

    Ladies:

    I need some perspective.

    I am a med mal defense attorney. I have been doing litigation for most of my 16 year career. I have a difficult case going to trial next week. I am a junior partner at my firm, and I am trying the case with the senior partner. He and I work closely together, and generally get along.

    Here is my issue. This is a tough case. The patient is dead, and there is going to be a big sympathy factor. My doctor is not likeable. While the “medicine” in the case is good, there are extrinsic factors that make me concerned that we are going to lose. The adjuster knows all of these things, and has consistently refused to settle. In short, I am trying a case with a better than 50/50 chance of losing.

    If we lose, how can I not take this as some sort of commentary on my skill as a lawyer? I have won cases and lost cases, but it seems like for every one I lose, I beat myself up for weeks about what I could have/should have done, etc. This is not an issue for my partner. . . he just moves on. Is this a man/woman thing ? Is it an ego thing ? Where am I going wrong ?

    • Senior Attorney

      The facts and the law are the facts and the law. And “facts” includes all the sympathy/likeability factors you mentioned. The facts and the law are beyond your control — all you can do is present what you have in the best way possible, but if you have a losing case (for whatever reason), you have a losing case. It’s not you, it’s the case. As long as you are upfront about the strengths and weaknesses of the case and manage the client’s expectations appropriately, you can hold your head up high even if it doesn’t come out the way you want it to.

      Really. Just say fooey and move on.

      • phx

        This +1000. Totally agree w/ the other comments re damage control and providing advocacy for your client.

        Your claims person seems to understand the risk, and since this is med mal, I assume the carrier cannot settle w/o the doctor’s approval. Be an advocate for your client.

        And then, whatever happens, let it go.

        (Do you try a lot of cases? This is not meant as snark — but I know I felt my perceived losses more strongly when I wasn’t trying or hadn’t tried as many cases. When I tried fewer cases, the outcomes seemed to matter more. Regardless, HUGS.)

    • Bonnie

      You can only work with the facts that you have. Even the best lawyers are limited by the facts and the like ability of their witnesses. I’ve tried cases that I knew I was going to lose and it is still hard to get that verdict. With those cases I consider it a success that I got the case to the jury.

      • Anon for this (regular reader/lurker)

        Thanks ladies. In my head, I know that I don’t have any control over the facts of the case, and I do feel like I have consistently made the adjuster aware of the strengths and weaknesses of the case and the various settlement demands. The problem is that I just keep beating myself up when I lose, even when objectively, I know there is nothing I could have done that would have made a difference.

        There are always things you could do differently in a trial, but for the majority of cases, those little “judgment calls” don’t tip the scales one way or another. I just know that if we lose I am going to beat myself up and have a miserable holiday.

        Thanks for the vent opportunity.

        • Senior Attorney

          There is no need to beat yourself up. There is no need to have a miserable holiday. Putting a loss behind you doesn’t mean you don’t care, it just means you are a grown-up well-adjusted person who understands that you win a few and you lose a few.

          Seriously, with all love and respect, this might be something to talk to a therapist about.

          • Anon for this (regular reader/lurker)

            You are probably right, Senior Attorney. I don’t take that in any negative way. I just think of myself as a responsible person, and tend to take responsibility for things that are not always my fault.

        • lawsuited

          Also remember that the standard for a lawyer is competence, not perfection.

    • Anonymous

      Would it help to have a closing ritual? An actual physical putting the lid on a box and letting go?

    • mascot

      Maybe re-frame it as damage control. You may not get a defense verdict, but perhaps you can keep the damages from going through the roof.

    • Agency Counsel

      We have a saying in our office about these cases. You can’t build a mansion with a few bricks. Part of being a good lawyer is knowing the realities of your case.

    • lawsuited

      My dad (also a litigator) gave me the best advice during my first trial: “Your client deserves the benefit of your advocacy and advice, but you do not step into his shoes. You job is to manage the outcome, not influence it.”

      Also, you haven’t lost yet, so maybe don’t spend your worry energy on it yet?

      • Anonymous

        A coworker told me “remember that you did not create the clients situation.”

  13. Traditionalist

    Love this jacket. Please, Santa?

    Two TJ questions, totally unrelated to each other:

    1. Yummy meal I can make in duplicate for two couples? I have an elderly neighbor whose wife is in hospice care, and a friend with a new baby. Meals may end up getting stuck in the freezer by the recipients if they are overwhelmed, and there is travel time to the friends, so reheating well is a plus. No allergies or other dietary restrictions.

    2. Worth it to get my Lady Day coat relined? The lining is absolutely in shreds, especially the pockets, but the outside still looks nice. Cost in the DC area? Would I have to bring my own fabric?

    Thanks!

    • KittyKat

      1. Butternut squash and asiago lasagna. It’s interesting enough that foodies will appreciate it but not so interesting that picky eaters won’t like it. It’s a great middle ground and can be made in large batches in the tin disposable oven containers that you buy anywhere.

    • roses

      1. Chili

      2. I didn’t get it completely re-lined, but I got the arms done (in DC) for about $30, if I recall. No need to bring your own fabric – they will probably ask you what you want.

    • Lynnet

      1. Shepard’s pie. Filling, comforting, and I always make two batches and freeze one anyway.

      • Rogue Banker

        Seconding the shephard’s pie, that’s exactly what I thought of. It lasts darn near forever in the freezer if you wrap it right. :)

      • hoola hoopa

        Shepard’s pie sounds perfect – and now I want some.

        I had the lining patched and it was worth it.

    • Hildegarde

      2. Definitely worth it. I got just the sleeves relined in my lady day, and it’s like new. I did not supply my own fabric; don’t remember how much it cost.

    • anne-on

      Sausage and brocolli rabe with orechiette pasta. Yummy, relatively healthy if you use chicken sausage, and it stores well. Beef stew or chicken chili are my other go-to’s.

    • Mommy Monster

      Lasagna, definitely. Freezes well, easy to make a lot at once, etc. I’m to the point of calling my lasagna recipe “bed rest lasagna” because I make it for expectant mom friends who are incapacitated. I found “my” recipe on the internet and modified it, but it’s nothing fancy. Buy the really big lasagna foil trays with lids, and, if you’re looking for a dessert to make and bake with it, peach cobbler using frozen peaches.

    • Feeding the World

      I agree with many of the suggestions for food, but for the elderly neighbor it may be helpful to package it in smaller serving sizes for freezing or storage. He may not be eating large portions and having an entire tray of frozen lasagna or a big container of soup/chili may be too much. Individual sized portions would be easy to pull out of the freezer and heat up. Your prep time would be the same, but the time to put in smaller packages may be a few minutes more.

  14. RLS

    I have a sinus infection…I have an email in to my doctor for treatment, but in the meantime, what do you ladies do to make life more bearable? Any home remedies that relieve the symptoms?

    I’m miserable and exhausted. I haven’t been able to sleep the past two nights, even with Nyquil…it knocks me out for about 2 hours, and then I’m up the rest of the night.

    • Anon in NYC

      Breathe Right strips at night (if they don’t stay on your nose, try the “extra” ones – they have an extra strip of sticky stuff). Add an extra pillow for slight elevation while you’re sleeping. Take Aleve or Advil for the headache/pressure. I usually also try to take Dayquil or non-drowsy Sudafed during the day. Feel better.

    • Rogue Banker

      My mom’s trick – put a dollop of Vicks VapoRub in a large plastic bowl. Boil some water, let it cool off for a minute or so (don’t want it to be TOO hot), then pour the water over the Vicks. Put a towel over your head and the bowl, and breathe in the fumes for a while, repeat as needed. I get the best results if I try to keep my head horizontal (as in, eyes pointing straight down, neck parallel to the floor). The steam/fumes/angle really helps with drainage. Other than that, lots of hot tea makes things hurt a little less.
      Feel better!

      • Sue

        Conair makes a steamer that comes with a wide facial steamer attachment and a narrower sinus cone. Works like a charm. It costs between $20-25, very convenient for this kind of thing.

      • Marilla

        My mom used to make us do this too, but with salt in the water instead of Vicks.

      • Flower

        We do this with rosemary. Also, if you have rosemary oil, put some right under your nose.

    • RLS

      Thanks ladies! I will do the Vicks/steam thing today. I keep forgetting to buy some Vicks while I’m at the store, but I’m going to make a specific trip today for it. I’ve been using the humidifier, but I’ll add the Vicks too. I’ve been through almost 4 boxes of tissue since Monday…I should buy stock in Puffs!

    • Anonymous

      So I’m always sick and have a few must do tips.

      Netti pot. Swear to the sinus gods this helps. Don’t overdo it with the sprays and netti pot or you’ll end up with super dry passages.

      Humidifier also a good thing, especially at night. I also load my nose up with neosporin so I don’t end up with raw skin and make sure you moisturize your lips well if you’re breathing through your mouth.

      Use Afrin sparingly, but it helps right before bed. Add Vicks on your chest and feet (no idea why the feet help, but I’ve tested it multiple times and it makes a big difference).

      Decongestant (I prefer Muscinex D to Sudafed makes me feel less jumpy). Helps to thin the goop.
      Lots of rest, water and tea with honey. Staying hydrated will really help!! Also, advil cold and sinus is the best OTC pain reliever (at least for me) for the sinus headaches.

      Also, call your doctor ASAP and get meds!!

      • RLS

        I usually use my Neti Pot at the very first sign of anything, but this time I waited a day, and it was already too late. I have used it once a day since this started, but it isn’t working as it usually does. I am going to still use it though.

        Funny enough, I’m doing exactly what you say to do, minus the Vicks and Advil Cold and Sinus! I must be on the right path.

      • RLS

        Thank you! I do love my Neti Pot, and have been using it. So hopefully it goes away soon.

        • sweetknee

          I tried my husband’s neti pot once and felt like I was being waterboarded !

          • RLS

            I hated it at first, but it’s helped me stave off multiple sinus issues, so I use it regularly still. It’s not my favorite, but it works!

    • S in Chicago

      Is there an urgent care center nearby? If your doctor isn’t easy to get into, they can be great for this sort of thing. I’ve been to one in a pinch for pink eye, a skin infection when I was about to travel, and an allergic reaction on a Sunday (note–when they say use eye protection when using furniture stain, believe them). In each instance, I was in and out in under 30 minutes as a walk- in. I know your own doctor is the ideal, but sometimes convenience trumps if you’re miserable and it’s something minor.

      • S in Chicago

        Note: I would do this only if you have sinus pain, particularly when bending over–and are therefore pretty sure it’s an infection. I took your comment that you had an infection to be the case. But If it’s just a bad cold with miserable stuffiness, lots of nose running, etc., your doctor or urgent care isn’t appropriate or going to make a difference. In that instance, you’re better off just sticking with lots of fluids and nasal washes/drains like others have suggested.

        • RLS

          Thank you! My doctor’s office has an urgent care, which they might send me to when I hear back from them. It’s not ideal, but it would work if I need any prescription meds.

          I’m 99.9% sure it’s an infection. Started as an allergy attack that I didn’t address quickly enough. My allergies are gradually getting worse as I get older, so it’s not an unusual occurrence unfortunately. It’s definitely not a cold; the reason I think infection is because (TMI alert) my nasal discharge has turned neon combined with sinus pain and pressure.

          • Anonymous

            Definitely an infection if you have neon discharge. All the home remedies in the world won’t cure it (I’ve tried!). Antibiotics stat. The longer you wait, the more it spreads. It’s a pain in the ….

    • Anon

      Neti-pot and gargling. Ginger tea – lots of fresh ginger, lemon, and honey. Eat very spicy food. A hot yoga class where they jack up the humidity will help your sinuses. A shot of vodka will also clear them out. :)

    • "Allergies" PSA

      + a lot to the sinus rinsing/flushing. If the neti pot or NeilMed options leave you with too much liquid in your sinuses, then use the aerosol cans. Just spray until you taste salt so that you know you have made a full circuit with the saline.

      Also + a lot to staying hydrated.

      Something no one has mentioned yet but that helps me a lot: 15 minutes in a steam room (at the gym etc) every day until it goes away. This helps me blow out the mucous or, if not, helps it slide down the throat. I know. Not fun imagery.

      • RLS

        Thank you! I remember reading your allergy saga a few years ago. Did you ever find relief from your allergies? I hate the thought of starting a huge ordeal with doctor appointments and allergy shots, but I’m to the point where it might be worth it. I would be interested to hear what has helped/hasn’t helped/is worth the time/isn’t worth the time etc.

        • "Allergies" PSA

          Here is what I learned:

          – the acupuncturist who examined me and told me “you don’t have allergies; you have a control issue” was only half-correct.
          – the ENT who did my surgery after treating me for several months with high doses of antibiotics and steroids but who: (1) never answered my repeated questions about what caused this and how I could avoid it again) and (2) could not have shown less interest in the stomach problems said high doses caused, which had to be addressed by a gastroenterologist, is someone on whom I hope never again to lay eyes.
          – I should have found a good allergist at the first sign of the running/pouring nose (although I cut myself a break because the mucous was thin and totally clear, I had no other symptoms, and I had no previous allergy history)
          – it is hard to find an allergist who is data driven, old fashioned enough to sit and talk symptoms in detail at regular visits, new fashioned enough to be reading all the current research and trustworthy, but once you find her, never let her go.
          – actual western medicine tests (of the kind not employed by the aforementioned acupuncturist) demonstrate that I am allergic to most grasses, trees, pollens and many animals.
          – allergy shots are not as bad as I feared (the nurse is incredibly deft at injections)
          – until we see whether the shots work, twice daily inhalers, saline flushing and nasal spray isn’t as bad as it sounds because — hey — it allows me to breathe.
          – carry a rescue inhaler everyone because you never know.
          – every time someone invites you to their home, don’t be embarrassed to ask which pets they have and, if it is a triggering one for you, to politely decline because it takes weeks to recover when triggered.

          Oy, that is quite a list.

          • RLS

            Thank you so much!!! I believe you have convinced me to find a good allergist, and attempt the shots if they are determined to be a good fit for me.

          • "Allergies" PSA

            Good luck! None of the many doctors I consulted before settling on my current allergist and ENT was able to explain why I suddenly developed allergies except to say that it is not uncommon for this to happen with women in their forties. Who knew? I think the most important and most difficult part is finding the right MD.

    • Anonymous

      In addition to what’s been mentioned above (sinus rinse and a pain reliever with pseudoephedrine), I drink a lot of Pedialyte–sinus infections leave me feeling so dehydrated and this helps a lot.

  15. Shedding

    Does anyone have any tips for dealing with hair shedding (human, not pet)?

    I have incredibly thick, dark, shoulder-length hair. I am pretty sure I don’t have a hair loss problem (been like this all my life), and probably shed a normal % of hair every day. It’s just that with it being so thick and long and dark against our white tile floor, it only takes 2-3 days before it seems like hair is all over the place in the bathroom. I already brush my hair every morning. Maybe I need to do it more often to catch more of the loose strands before they end up on the floor? Maybe I just need to be less lazy and pick up after myself every day? :)

    • kc

      I have this problem. My husband finds my hair in his shirts, underwear, you name it and it drives him nuts. There’s not much to do about it other than just cleaning it up. Thankfully it bugs my husband so he picks it up even more than I do.

    • ITDS

      Brush your hair every night to get rid of any that are loose but are caught up among the others. Keep a swiffer in the bathroom for quick cleanups. Even a swiffer duster on a long handle will grab the hair quickly and not seem like too much of a chore.

    • Mpls

      Eh, I have the same problem, but with longer hair. You pretty much just need to sweep/vacuum on a regular basis. Brushing, especially with a boar-type bristled brush will probably help capture more before it hits the floor.

      The only time I don’t have the shedding issue is usually right after I’ve had my hair cut, which I attribute to the extra amount of combing and brushing that goes along with a cut and blow out.

    • amberwitch

      I always brush my hair over a zink or toilet to collect the hair in one place

    • anon

      Swifters. Keep a handful in the drawer in your bathroom so you don’t have to run to get one every time. Either use the duster ones on the duster-handle-thingy that comes with the box or just use the floor kind with your hand. Run it along the baseboards, around the tub etc. Throw away. Takes 30 seconds. In addition to the bathroom, I keep these by each TV (to dust the screen), in each car (because the dash board gets dusty), and on my desk at work and my laptop at home.

  16. L

    Do yall have any processes in place when scheduling internal meetings? Many people in my company (across all departments) have a tendency to be ~5 minutes late to calls and meetings and it’s ridiculous.

    • tesyaa

      Is this happening because people are lazy, or because they’re in back to back meetings all day and need to physically get from one place to another, or to grab a bottle of water or whatever? Different approaches would be needed. In the second case, starting all meetings at 5 minutes past the hour (and yes, meetings will now be 55 minutes) might do the trick.

      • L

        It’s because they’re lazy, they won’t get up from their desk and walk to the meeting until they get an Outlook notification saying “Meeting starts now”.

        People just think it’s acceptable to be 5 minutes late. We’re having a meeting about this later today to discuss.

        • tesyaa

          It’s tricky dealing with this with adults because it’s not like school where anyone can hand out detentions. A couple of thoughts. Is the loss of 5 minutes actually making a difference? If not, it’s going to be hard to get buy-in that this is a real problem.

          If it is a real problem from a time standpoint – how about a humorous approach, as in charging, $1 for each minute late, money is used for charity (or for a job-related function)? You can’t enforce it, but it might get people’s attention.

        • hoola hoopa

          My company is working on this now. Sometimes people are back-to-back, but for the most part it’s just company culture to expect the meeting to be 5 min late. So far what has worked the best is simply starting meetings on time. Sometimes/often the agenda has to be adjusted on the fly or information repeated, but forcing late comers to actually *be late* by starting the meeting on time is slowly working so it’s getting less cumbersome over time. It’s been a few months.

          • hoola hoopa

            I should mention that people who are back-to-back alert the host in advance AND hosts are being better about ending at X:55.

            Another company I work with adjusted their room reservation software to end meetings at X:55. It seems to be helping with the transition, but from my perspective it’s not helping with meeting starting times.

      • Meg Murry

        Or a policy of ending meetings at x:55 ? Our company did that so that people could physically get from meeting to meeting.
        If you can’t change the company wide policy, just mentally note that you plan to start at 5 minutes after, and for external calls schedule the customer for 5 minutes after instead of on the hour.

    • West Coast

      I’ve found the definition of ‘on time’ differs by company, with occasional silos that are exceptions. It sounds like the company is one where 5 minutes late is still ‘on time’, for whatever reason they are late. Unfortunately, unless it is a small company / team, you are probably not going to be able to change the culture around this definition. I would plan for 25 / 55 minute meetings, and if the reduced time is not enough then schedule 45 and 75 minute meetings, knowing you will get 40 and 70.

      • Anon in NYC

        Agreed. My firm has a culture where people don’t leave their desks until they get a reminder that says the meeting is starting now.

        • anon

          My midsized firm is the same way. If the meeting is at 2, people get up to go to the meeting at 2. It took me a bit to realize this was status quo, and I was always “early.” Gotta get each billable minute I guess…………joy

    • Brant

      Depends why they’re late. I’m late because I’m back-to back all day. When I run a meeting, I dont’ start til 5 minutes in.

    • Anon

      I think you need to just accept it. Is it really a big deal to be a few minutes late? If it’s just your office culture, you need to roll with it. If you have a meeting to discuss it, people may not be amenable to your suggestions and it may reflect badly on you, even though your intentions are good.

  17. Anonymous

    My little sister needs a budget. Her current way of dealing with her money is “it stresses me out to look at any of my bank or credit card statements, so I don’t look, but I’m running out of room on my credit cards so I need help.” She has asked me to help her get things under control this weekend. (1) Should I have her download You Need A Budget software? If not, would you recommend anything else instead? (2) Any advice for how to space this out or keep her calm through a marathon budgeting session? TIA!

    • tesyaa

      How little is your little sister? Does she have her own income? Is she extravagant, or just trying to live a simple lifestyle on a small salary? Either way, she needs to budget, but the answer might be “stop buying so much expensive cr@p” or “get a roommate”, depending on circumstances.

      • OP

        She’s a graduate student living at home. Yes, she has her own income, just doesn’t manage it at all!

    • jc

      Highly recommend YNAB. Considering there is a free trial period, I don’t see a downside if it doesn’t work out. I also recommend having her read I Will Teach You to Be Rich by Ramit Sethi. Really helped me to understand how to save and invest properly.

      • OP

        I heard that the free trial will wipe out your data if/when you download the paid version. Can anyone confirm/deny?

        • Mpls

          What?! No. Or at least it didn’t when I started using it a year ago. I highly doubt that is the case, as it sounds really antithetical to the rest of the way the company presents itself.

          You don’t download a new version when you pay, you just get a code to unlock it.

          I also second the use of YNAB, because they provide you the tools to figure out how to use the program, instead of just making you figure out how to use it on your own.

    • Brit

      Mint.com might be helpful. It lets you set up individual budget lines and goals, as well as collects all your different accounts into one dashboard so it’s easy to see where everything is. They also have an app, so she can use it on the go as well.

      • OP

        She uses Mint, but finds it very frustrating/confusing because it adds her student loan debt into her total budget. (As a student, her loans are in deferment right now.)

        • Meg Murry

          Well, I wrote a much longer reply below – but as to fixing the student loan part, can’t she just remove that account from her Mint account until her loans get out of deferment? Will that clear up some of the confusion?

          • Wildkitten

            I hide my loans or my other information would just get swallowed. I also hide my retirement. Neither of those accounts are relevant to my monthly budget.

    • Marilla

      Before starting with software (which might be daunting – although I do like Mint and find it not too overwhelming), it might be helpful to print out the last 6 months of her bank and credit card statements with a highlighter, a pen, and a blank piece of paper, to help her figure out what her actual spending is. Use the info to divide up her spending into categories (just write it out at first – easier than starting with software). Then talk about what her income is and help her come up with appropriate spending caps for each category. She may realize she’s spending a lot on lunches and not so much on Sephora, or whatever the answer is. That should help her re-prioritize. And definitely encourage her to automatically save a percentage of each paycheque.
      Once you get through that, ask her if she wants to use a software like Mint or YNAB to keep track of expenses as they go. From there, setting up a Mint account would be a snap.

    • Meg Murry

      This is what we did with my BIL (over the course of a few sessions) to set him up with a system similar to what we use.

      0) Have her put all her credit cards out of her wallet and in a safe place and DON’T use them until you finish this process
      1) Open a second checking account (either online or with a different bank)
      2) Gather up all her regular monthly bills and credit card statements, and put it all into a debt snowball calculator (there are plenty of them free online, we used the one from Vertex42).
      3) Add up all her monthly minimum payments for her credit cards and her monthly bills. Then add on however much she intends to put toward paying down her debts. To make this easier math you can just round everything up to the nearest $10, $25 or $50
      3a) convince her to cut some of her fixed bill expenses if possible (cheaper cell phone, etc but don’t push it at this point)
      4) Setup her direct deposit to split her paycheck into the 2 accounts – one being the “bills and debt payment” account with the amount you determined, the other being “living expenses and fun money” for the rest of it. Or if she can’t split direct deposit, have it all deposit into the bills account, and autotransfer her the “living expenses and fun money” on a regular schedule (weekly, bi-weekly, monthly, whatever).
      4a) you can add a savings account in there as well, if she has the money for it – but right now I’m guessing paying down credit card debt is more important.
      5) Set all her bills and credit card minimums to autopay from the bill payment account, as well as paying her extra money to whichever account she decides to pay down first.
      6) Give her only a debit card to live on, and a credit card to put away for true emergencies only – in our case, we actually hold our BIL’s emergency card – so he has to call us to bring it to him or give him the number in the case of an actual emergency. Not infantilizing him – he asked us to do it. Teach her to check the “fun money” bank account regularly, and only spend out of that money
      7) Setup times to meet with her (monthly at first, then every 3 months, then 6) to evaluate how its going.
      7a) Teach here how to use YNAB for the “fun money and living expenses account”. The bill pay account should basically be set and forget at this point until she’s paid off a significant chunk of her money or some major bill cost changes

      • Scully

        My post is in moderation, but this is a similar approach. Good ideas here.

      • Anon in NYC

        +1 to the debit card. This is how I managed to get out of law school without accruing credit card debt. I would transfer money into my account every 2 weeks or every month. I had a fixed budget for groceries, going out, and whatever else I needed. As a natural spender, it really helped prioritize my spending. For me, I’d rather go without haircuts, manicures or fancy coffee if it meant I could buy groceries at Whole Foods or get a beer with my friends. It’s hard, especially when you want to be social, but I was so happy to not be adding to my loan repayments.

        I also checked the balance in that account almost every day. It helped keep me on track and also reassured me that there was still money in that account. If the balance started to get low, I had to reign my spending in.

      • hoola hoopa

        This is basically what I was going to suggest as well.

        I did this for someone in a similar place and mindset a few years ago. Printing out credit/debit statements to total necessary bills, mostly necessary spending (ie, groceries, gas), and mostly expendable spending (ie, lunches out, make up) was HUGELY insightful. End result was a “savings”, “bill” , and “debit” account system with the appropriate proportions distributed by their direct deposit. They stop spending when the debit account is empty, which works well for them and the only ‘budgeting’ required is checking the balance from time to time.

    • Scully

      I think you should keep it simple. Add up monthly income and monthly expenses in excel. Make a list of non-monthly, but recurring expenses (yearly car registration fee, etc.) and space those out over the year. Discuss what to do with any excess income once expenses are covered (savings, fun spending, pay debt). If there is not enough to cover, help her cut down on expenses and brainstorm for more income.

      Help her set up automatic payments on everything so she doesn’t lose any money to late fees. Maybe she could have a separate cash account for fun money (auto transfer set up from her “operations” account). Once the money in the fun account is out, she’s done until the next auto transfer.

      If she’s in a lot of credit card debt, have her freeze the cards and work out a payment plan.

    • Wildkitten

      I would start with 50/30/20. YNAB is really detail oriented and she might not be there yet.

    • ParalegalNC

      Rob Allen, DDS! I moved from Raleigh this summer, but I went to him for years. Never tries to upsell & almost always recommended a wait-and-see approach to possible issues.

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