Suit of the Week (and Deal Alert): Ann Taylor

161 Comments

1. Any recommendations in NYC for business head shots (to include professional makeup, etc)? Thinking of giving a sitting to my daughter for her b-day. TIA

2. Immediate threadjack:

   Has anyone here ever moved from litigation to HR? If so, would you mind sharing how you did that? I have done a fair amount of employment litigation, including workplace investigations. I’m very interested in transitioning to a HR department (either in a litigation role or a HR generalist role), but I’m at a loss at how to do so. What kind of roles should I apply for? Are there any certifications that I could get without going back to school? Any other advice? Thanks in advance.

   1. I do labor and employment law, and work closely with my company’s HR department. Do you want to practice law at all? If so, then I’d recommend looking to go in house as an employment attorney. It can be a hard sell for someone that doesn’t so employment law full-time, though.

      If you don’t want to practice law anymore, then I’d apply to mid-level HR positions. Presumably you’re knowledgeable regarding the laws in play and investigations, but there is a ton of practical HR knowledge regarding processes, procedures, and employee relations that attorneys can’t learn until they’re working with HR closely.

   2. I work in government as, essentially, in-house employment law counsel for the state I live in. Some investigations, lots of policy work (tracking legislative developments, forming positions papers for the governor in support of / against proposed legislation that would effect the state as an employer), turning new laws into employment policies / procedures for state employees, teaching employment law basics to HR staff, and reviewing systems (payroll, etc) for legal compliance. I also serve in an advisory capacity for some employment litigation when the state is sued, though the attorney general’s office does most of that.

      I’m a member of IPMA and SHRM, both worth looking into for advice on certifications, etc. I don’t have any, fwiw, though I have maintained my licensure so the state can choose to elect privilege when appropriate.

      Look for your state’s equivalent of the federal OPM (office of personnel management). Most states have one central agency that does the big-picture employment-related stuff (classification / compensation, contract negotiations, policies and procedures, etc.) that is heavily staffed with recovering employment law litigators.

      Good luck!

   3. I’d recommend looking into getting an SPHR designation – recognize that employment litigation & the associated laws around employment are just a part of what HR does. Get familiar with compensation, benefits, succession planning, workforce development & planning, etc. Second the advice to look for a mid-level HR role, perhaps on the employee relations side (which often interfaces w/ legal and the business areas on termination issues and reasonable accommodations, which you might be familiar with) & go from there. Good luck.

   4. I made the same move in 2013, going from a L&E Attorney to a Corporate HR department. Look for “Employee Relations” positions. I do investigations and draft responses to EEOC and other agency-type complaints, and do training for managers. You might also look at Corporate Compliance jobs. They do a lot of investigations and an employment law background would come in handy for those. Good luck!

   5. Thanks everyone for the excellent advice!

3. How best to utilize a small outdoor patio (with two young kids)? For the first time in ages, my family and I have a small patio which I’m so excited about. Looking for ideas on the following:

   1) compact outdoor furniture — we’re a family of 4. Four chairs and a small table? Some other set up? Where best to buy outdoor furniture? Looking for something reasonably priced.

   2) ideas on fun activities for the kids to do in the patio. I was thinking of getting them colored chalk to scroll on the stones (it comes off). What else?

   I love the idea of container gardening but my youngest is only 1.5 and I’m worried about her knocking over pots, etc.

   thanks!

   1. If you get big enough containers or heavier pots, she won’t really be able to push them over. If you get smaller plastic pots, she may be able to knock them over, but not break them or cause too big of a mess.
      Sidewalk chalk, water table, bubble machine are all fun patio toys.
      My biggest complaint with our patio furniture (glass/tubular table with rocker chairs so prob. bigger than what you want) is that the chairs are too low for little kids to sit in comfortably to reach the table. For a long time, we just brought out the kids booster chair. It may be easier to put a picnic blanket out for the kids.

      1. Agree w/anon re heavier containers. We also had our two help w/ planting and watering; because they had ownership over the garden, they were careful around it.

         We did a small outdoor couch, coffee table, and two armchairs. Flexible for different group sizes, and eating or just drinks on the patio.

   2. 1) If you can find some that fit, maybe look for an L or U-shaped sectional with cushions, and a coffee table. That’ll be more versatile than a table and chairs. As for where, what’s “reasonable?” IKEA is my go-to for space-specific furniture, since a table that exactly fits a small outdoor patio will likely not fit the next place.

      2) Give the older child his or her own tiny plant to take care of – you can put them on a railing, hang them from above, hang them from a shepherd’s crook, or place them on a stand. Learning to care for plants is great for kids. As for other activities, anything the kids could do inside can probably be done outside. Reading, playing with blocks, coloring – basically anything that doesn’t involve a screen, and that’s probably what you want to encourage anyway.

      If you want to container garden and have the space, and the water won’t drain onto someone else’s patio (on a higher level apartment, for example), I’d recommend soft-sided fabric planters with whatever you want to grow or a huge pot (8+ gallons) filled with herbs. The soft sided planters are safe for everyone, but require more watering. The huge pots look beautiful as herb gardens, and won’t get knocked over, but don’t eliminate the problem of the 1.5 yo knocking into it and hurting herself.

      1. Yes to Ikea! I bought one of their tables and some chairs for our balcony and they have held up remarkably well. They have lots of cute small space ideas on their s!te as well.

   3. We have actually been very pleasantly surprised by the quality of patio furniture we got from Target, online. outdoor furniture is shockingly expensive, and we knew we were buying a bunch to get us through the next couple of years before we renovate our patio, so we didn’t want to break the bank.

      Bubbles, sidewalk chalk, sidewalk paint, and water guns are fun outdoor toys.

      1. +1 for Target. They have a lot of copies of higher-end stuff. So maybe look around and decide what styles you like, then see if Target has something similar.

   4. If you want to maximize space available for running around, I vote for folding chairs. You can find surprisingly comfortable ones.

   5. I have great memories growing up of family meals on our patio when the weather was nice. So I vote for furniture that would allow you to eat comfortably.

      And sidewalk chalk. ALL the sidewalk chalk!

   6. We have a fold up kid sized picnic table (purchased on Amazon) that is great. It folds flat so can stored leaning against a wall or inside in a closet/garage. My LO has snacks on it in the afternoon or plays play-doh outside. With larger dinner gatherings, she eats at it. It was like $50 and totally worth it.

   7. Do not invest a huge amount of money in patio furniture until you are sure you will use it frequently. As mentioned above, it can be surprisingly expensive. It also gets shabby relatively quickly, even the expensive stuff. We thought we would have coffee and eat dinner on our deck all the time, but it turns out that we never actually use it because of the mosquitoes.

      1. And if you do get furniture, get covers to keep it nicer. Not necessarily for every day, but you will definitely want it during the winter if you can’t stow it inside.

         1. 100% to covers. I didn’t put our furniture out until we had covers, and so glad. Even though it’s a pain to remove them each time, I’m a convert now – the cushions would have been so ratty after just the first season, and I won’t sit on bird poop so we wouldn’t have used the patio much.

   8. When my son was little we had a Little Tikes climber that he loved. They’re not cheap but he used it every. single. day. You might get more use out of that than actual furniture.

4. This is a beautiful Ann Taylor Suit, Kat! I love Ann Taylor and the size 2’s fit me perfectley. I hope they are still there when I shop, b/c I MUST get the manageing partner’s approval for my 50% rebate. FOOEY b/c he is in the HAMTONS out on his boat and he is NOT checking emails right now. DOUBEL FOOEY b/c I am sure he would aprove, but he will NOT reimburse unless I FIRST clear with him. DOUBEL FOOEY! Dad says he is happy with my workeing out, but it still has NOT landed me a husband. When can I expect to find a HUSBAND when I am so busy workeing? FOOEY!

5. As as follow-up to the Hillary Clinton thread earlier, I’d like to point out that it’s kind of telling that Democrats are trying SO hard to convince other Democrats that they should vote for Clinton and that she’s better than Trump. Shouldn’t it be easy to beat Trump on your own merits? It’s not Sanders’ fault if Clinton can’t do that.

   1. Your post makes no sense. Lots of posters were listing multiple reasons they were excited to vote for HRC.

      And the majority of Democrats have chosen her as the delegate. Plus she’s actually electable in a general election.

      Bernie holdouts really need to listen to their own former candidate and vote HRC. You all don’t want to be like those Brexit Leave voters who are begging for a do-over.

      1. It’s actually quite questionable whether she’s “electable” in a general election. She and Trump both have some of the highest unfavorability ratings ever seen in any presidential candidates. Plus, the consensus from this morning’s thread seemed to be “anyone but Trump” with a few stronger supporters for Clinton as a candidate herself.

         1. Did you even read the thread? There were multiple HRC supporters and a few people pointing out that even if you aren’t ‘excited’ to vote HRC, it makes a gazillion times more sense than voting for Trump or abstaining.

            1. I think, for the first time in history, a third party has a good chance, if not to win, to grab a bigger percentage than they have in the past. I absolutely love Gary Johnson and will vote for him because his ideals actually align with mine. For me, the alternate would be abstaining. Maybe if a third party actually gains some momentum, it will bring attention to issues that otherwise wouldn’t even be considered.

            2. You’re delusional. He has no chance of winning. Have fun handing the country to a bigot. Nader’s voters did great work.

            3. I said “if not to win, to grab a bigger percentage than they have in the past.” Not really “delusional” considering he is polling higher than third parties typically have.

               I did not say he has a good chance to win, or even really a chance to win. I said he has a chance to grab more of the vote than in any past election.

               I will not vote for “the lesser of two evils.” I will not vote for either Trump of Hilary – neither one represents me or how I believe our government should be run. I will either vote for Johnson or I will not vote at all.

            4. Have fun supporting bigotry then. Must be nice to be that white that it doesn’t matter to you if Trump wins.

            5. I would duly suggest that calling someone names for supporting the candidate of her choice, in a thoughtful and principled manner, is not exactly the way to win friends and influence people.

               In fact, it can have the opposite effect.

            6. Not voting or voting for Johnson has the same effect as voting for Trump. See Brexit abstainers.

            7. Preach, SoCalAtty. I will never listen to anyone who claims that I should support a two-party candidate when my ideals and values align with a third. If my preferences and rights prevent your preferred candidate from winning, that’s really not my problem. A lot of us are really, really tired of the status quo that says we “spoil” an election for the “deserved” winner. If someone deserves to win and has the support to do so, they will.

            8. I’m assuming that SoCalAttorney is in California, a “safe” blue state, in which case a vote for a non-major party candidate is a valid protest vote. Thanks to the electoral college – which I’d love to see repealed, but that’s a whole other thing – some of us can choose to not vote for the lesser of two evils, and some of us must do just that. It’s not very democratic, but it’s the system we have.

            9. Clinton is beating Trump by ~17 points in California. She is almost guaranteed to win the state. Voting for a third party you believe in is totally different for a California voter than it is for a North Carolina voter.

            10. A vote for Johnson, or any third party candidate, is not ‘wasted’ at all, even beyond the very obvious fact that everyone has the right to vote for the candidate that best represents their values and core beliefs. If the Libertarians receive 5% of the vote they will be eligible for the Presidential Election Campaign Fund’s Grant, which would be a game changer next election cycle, and certainly open up the two party prison we are currently locked into. My vote is also for Johnson.

            11. You presume that Trump + GOP won’t do everything in their power to change the funding so the third party gets nothing next cycle. That’s pretty naive. In the meantime the composition of the court will be radically altered.

         2. Omg stop trying to make Bernie happen. On what planet is someone who cannot win a majority of dedicated democratic voters more electable in a general election.

            1. Thank you! That line of reasoning makes so little sense that I can’t even deal with it.

            2. Let’s not even get into the DNC corruption issues, Bernie media blackout, and superdelegate pledging before the first ballot was cast. Sure, if Clinton wants to be proud of winning with a stacked deck, that’s her prerogative. It’s not mine to support her. This situation isn’t unique to her (it has always privileged the mainstream candidates), but a lot of younger voters aren’t going to tolerate it for our whole lives like everyone else seems to want to.

            3. Anon at 4:40 is clearly a troll.

               No regular reader of this site believes there has been a “Bernie media blackout”. Coverage by every major media outlet is hardly a ‘blackout’. Bernie wasn’t popular enough to win, that’s why he lost. And apparently you don’t have enough faith in Bernie to listen to him when he says vote HRC.

               Did you want to mansplain some more or maybe troll elsewhere instead?

            4. Anonymous at 4:45, I’m a regular reader of this site and there was, indeed, a Bernie media blackout. In one of the more egregious examples, the NYTimes public editor called out the paper for adjusting a factual piece into an (anti-Bernie) opinion piece over the course of a day. Just because you don’t follow the news related to his campaign doesn’t mean everyone who disagrees with you is a troll. A lot of Bernie supporters don’t see Hillary as a viable alternative progressive candidate. Deal with it.

   2. Trying hard? It is easy. Trump has no merits. He is wildly unqualified to be president and no one has seriously been struggling to make the case that HRC is “better” than Trump. I think you are mistaking our vehement and frustrated responses to the fact that you insist that you *need* to be convinced that she’s better than Trump– that this is even a question!!— for vehemently attempts to convince you.

      We are frustrated that Bernie-or-busters don’t seem to understand that he’s not on the ballot and that you don’t have three choices- Trump, Bernie, or HRC- you have two. Trump or Hillary. There is no third option at this point.

      We are also frustrated because those same individuals (and those who beg to be “convinced” they should be “excited” about HRC) do not seem to understand the fact that not voting for her is like cutting off your nose to spite your face. Let me spell it out: allowing Trump to become president will not help you in your goal to create the world you want. Full stop. No question.

      If I wasn’t in polite company, my response would be “if you think that Trump is better than HRC or you are not going to vote for her because you wanted a Bernie Sanders World you are a moron and no amount of education can help you, because you have set aside your critical thinking skills.”

   3. It might be my age (early 30s), but aside from the Obama elections, it has always seemed to be a lesser of 2 evils decision for most people I know. Obama is the only general election candidate that I remember big groups of people describing themselves as “excited” to vote for.

      While it would be nice to be excited about the candidate someone chooses to vote for, in our 2 party system I don’t know that it’s realistic to feel that way every election. I think those of us who were excited to vote for Ovama would like to feel that way every time, which is why there is some struggling going on in voters who will support Clinton but wish they could be excited about it.

   4. Ummm someone literally asked “what is great about Clinton” and many of us answered. If Bernie had actually won the nomination I would be voting for him because he isn’t Trump.

   5. I’m the OP from this morning. I want to thank everyone for their thoughtful comments – I got drawn into work so just got back to reading these and wasn’t able to respond earlier. I want to just reiterate that I am 100% voting for HRC and have never been a Bernie supporter (and will never be a Gary Johnson supporter).

      I have a lot of other thoughts on some of the comments re: pro-choice being my issue (it is about human rights and the value you place on women, period), the speeches, and the candidates, but in summary – the comments about how she has always been dedicated and worked so hard are true and do strike a chord. I may not agree with all the decisions she makes but she prepares herself diligently for every decision that she does make.

      1. This is what I like best about HRC, too. She is diligent, and works hard to prepare for everything she does. And she’s pragmatic, which is better than Bernie’s pie-in-the-sky idealism in my book. There is probably no one on earth I agree with 100% of the time, but I can still respect those who seek facts and come to a reasoned decision, even if it’s different from mine. I respect nothing about Trump and the way he’s conducting himself in this campaign, and honestly anyone in the GOP who is supporting him will never again get my vote. Super easy choice for me. I will also be excited, as a woman, to see a woman in the White House, same as I was excited to see a minority race president despite not necessarily loving everuthing about Obama’s politics. I think it’s good for the country and the world for a person representing a historically-underrepresented group to succeed at that level.

6. Context: my husband and I grew up in very similar upper middle class income homes. My parents are financially-savvy; his are financially-disastrous (never saved, no concept of basic financial principles, etc). They managed to float through life for decades bc high annual income, but once that was gone (aged out), the house of cards collapsed. So they raised their children in comfortable circumstances that were really an illusion, all while teaching them nothing about personal finance and set a bad example themselves.

   My husband has two siblings. They are in their 30s and one is married with a few kids. Great, smart people, but they don’t have their financial act together at all. I’d really like to see them take some steps towards setting themselves up for a better personal financial plan than the parents had, but I don’t want to come across as snooty or lecturing. At the same time, I know that there are little things they could/should be doing now (retirement contributions, life insurance!, etc) that could make a big difference in the long run.

   Butt out? Or say something (and how?). To complicate matters, MIL is still giving well-intentioned but terrible financial advice to them and I don’t want to make her angry (we get along great).

   1. None of your business unless they ask for help.

   2. Agree with anonymous @ 3.28 that it’s not your business to help unless asked. However, your hubby could probably try to teach them without ruffling feathers.

   3. I’m in a similar boat, though a slightly earlier stage. Husband’s siblings are all still in their early 20s or younger (he is the product of a marriage that ended in divorce, all of his siblings are from his parents’ subsequent marriages and much younger). His parents are really young for parents of people our age, so they are still working, but it’s going to be a disaster when they stop. The siblings have no clue about anything financial and have no savings set up at all. The parents have what looks like a very well off lifestyle but carry tons and tons of debt. With the exception of gently suggesting once or twice that they start doing serious financial planning for the one kid with medical issues who may never live independently (this was not received well), I have mostly stayed out. I live in fear of having four or more of my husband’s siblings plus his parents end up totally broke and looking to us for significant money. I don’t know what to do other than to start mentally preparing to say no to helping these people, even though that would be totally unacceptable in my family/most of my ethno-cultural group.

      1. I would start minimizing financial discussions. Be vague about how much your or your husband earn or any promotions at work. Don’t tell them if you’ve paid off your student loans or mortgage. If they don’t have a clear sense of your own financial stability then they may minimize their asks.

         Also, when the younger siblings graduate college maybe you could gift them a bunch of books as a ‘welcome to adult life series (like 1 career advice book, 1 home decor book, 1 financial planning book bundled together). Or a session with a financial planner that “you just found and wished you’d known about sooner so you could have started off on the right foot”?

         1. Totally agreed on your first point – I have been minimizing those discussions for upwards of 10 years. Pretty sure they have no idea how much I make, how much my husband makes, etc., other than by our job titles. I’m in biglaw, so my salary is not all that secret if they know where to look, but I don’t think they’ve gone on a hunt. The downside to this may be that they assume I make more than I do. I also have some family money that I think they suspect about (again, they probably suspect more than it is), but that is protected twelve ways from Sunday because this problem was already on the horizon before we got married or commingled any assets.

            The book bundle is a good idea. Thanks!

   4. Since this is family (and in-laws at that), butt out. If it were friends, you could start a discussion and see if they’re interested in learning more.

   5. I don’t think I would be a happy camper if an in-law started giving me financial advice, no matter how well-intentioned.

      If your husband wants to get involved, let him. But you probably ought to stay out of it.

      Now, if your husband’s parents are struggling financially, it may be worthwhile to gather his siblings and their spouses to talk about long term plans. Realistically, if the choice is between watching them get the utilities shut off or helping pay bills, most everyone chooses the latter. Might be worthwhile to have a sibling discussion now about the scope of the parents’ situation and how to deal with problems that may inevitably arise.

      (Now, part of that is to secure your own retirement first, but that can be part of the discussion.)

      1. No, my response is: these people are grown adults that have caused their own problems. I have relatives / siblings that are totally irresponsible. Their “asks” get met with, “I’m sorry to hear you are having a hard time….how is the weather up there today?”

         A therapist once told me that I am not responsible for the bad decisions of others. He was right. Neither are you!

         1. That’s nice for you. I happen to agree with the theory, but if the parents are 80 and out of money, they are 80 and out of money with no way to get more.

            Also, absolutely nothing you said does anything to address the potential family fallout from this. It’s a disaster in the making. Their choices are to address this now or address it later, when it’s too late to make different choices.

            Without getting into too much personal, my family has taken this tack and it’s helpful. We are all on the same page about what will be said to potentially needy family members… and what will be said in the years leading up to it to reduce the likelihood that we will be looked to for a bailout.

            Part of being an adult is seeing these problems coming, understanding how they will affect various relationships, and using this thing called “planning ahead.”

   6. How is this any of your business?

      1. Not my business, for sure. However, I do care about these people (as I care about my blood-family members), and I hate to see people I care about struggle due to being uniformed or poorly informed.

         1. Nopenopenope.

            1. Nopety nope nope.

               None of your business. There is plenty of financial information out there for people who are even the tiniest bit motivated to seek it out.

   7. However well intentioned you are, it will be difficult if not impossible for any advice you volunteer to be construed as “oh look at SIL telling us what to do.”

      If your MIL is giving the advice to them in a public way (like over the dinner table) I think you could offer your own point of view in a tactful way (“oh I’ve read that XYZ is better because….”). But that’s as far as I’d go.

   8. You can buy them Financial Peace University as a wedding gift. My sister got me a financial book when I graduated college. But outside of major life events I don’t know how you can gift financial advice without being rude.

   9. I’m also on team “not unless they specifically ask you for help, and even then let your husband do most of the talking”. Because even if you technically come from similar backgrounds, the fact that your parents were better financial planners means that you and H probably don’t have as many expensive mistakes like credit card debt or high interest private student loans like they might have. And doubly so if you are the poster that mentioned that they think you have family money (even if what they think is wildly off base). If my friend that I know has zero student loans and a trust fund started trying to give me advice on my 401k or life insurance when I was trying to figure out how to make our paycheck stretch to cover our childcare plus fixing our leaking roof, I would have been super frustrated

      The only, ONLY way I think you might be ok broaching this is if you know for a fact that you are the guardians for the kids (and even then, it should come from your husband) and even then, only in a “not to be morbid, but if the worst were to happen, is there life insurance? We found it was cheaper than we thought it would be, here’s the name and phone number of an insurance agent we liked.”

      The only other thing you might be able to do is slip in a reference to a good basic personal finance book if it comes up naturally in a “have you read any good books lately” way – but even that might not go over well.

      One thing you can do for them all though is make sure you aren’t contributing to a “more, bigger, better” arms race when it comes to holidays, family events and vacations – but again, from your husband, not you. So you could suggest dropping Christmas gifts for adults and just contributing to a joint gift for his parents, or if one sibling suggests dinner at pricy restaurant X, you could offer up Y and Z as alternatives too (without shooting down X).

      1. Re: expensive mistakes – I took out 200K in student loans for law school (am down to my last 20K of repayment) and my husband took out approximately 150K for his grad school (which we are paying down aggressively). So we’ve made much costlier debt decisions in that regard. But we are also significantly higher earners (by myself, I earn about 5x what anyone else in his family does right now), so I do get that financial advice coming from someone in a significantly different financial position is exponentially tricky.

         We definitely don’t contribute to a “more, bigger, better” when it comes to family events – in fact, we footed the entire bill for them to attend various meaningful family events (our wedding, graduations, etc). Which we did because of the once-in-a-lifetime nature of the event. We wouldn’t do this for a vacation.

         1. Yes, I didn’t say the “more, bigger, better” part right – I was trying to encourage you to be the voice that encourages smaller or more inexpensive events and gifts and trying to pick up cues that

            I think that if you do get hints that they want your advice, leading with “here’s an example of how I screwed up, and here’s how I fixed it” is a much better way to frame it than “here’s how your parents screwed up” or “here’s how I see you screwing up”.

            All that said, I do in fact give my BIL (husband’s brother) financial advice – but only because I’ve know him since he was 13, and he’s lived on my couch more than once in his life and then asked us to help him make a budget so he could get his own place. I was also the one to teach him to make scrambled eggs, sew a button back on a shirt and how to use a washing machine. He’s also specifically asked my husband and I for advice. On the other hand, I do not give financial advice to my other BIL (sister’s husband) even though I know he’s even more financially illiterate because he’s never asked and I don’t know him well enough to volunteer it.

   10. Figure out with your Husband how much money, if any, you are going to set aside and contribute to your in-laws’ life when their financial house of cards officially does collapse. Get comfortable with that. Maybe have a conversation about it if anyone asks you for money. Unless/until someone is asking you for money, it’s their own business. If your husband wants to have a conversation with them sooner, great. It’s definitely not your job though.

7. Mini rant:
   Manager: Why are you not being all smiley today?
   Me: Sorry, spent most of last night talking a close friend out of committing suicide, I’m a little worn out.
   Manager: Ah. Still, I need you to be smiley!

   Well excuse me for having absolutely no emotional energy today. -.- (Friend is, well, not /fine/ by a long shot but she’s communicating, at least. She’ll be ok. I’m just ragged and irritated.)

   1. I’m sorry about your friend; you are a good friend to help her in a tough time. I wouldn’t necessarily say that to your manager, though. It can only make things worse for you unless you guys are close and you can really talk about it honestly in a way that is helpful. I say this because I’ve found that most people at work don’t know how to respond to bad news or a bad update of any kind and that I then feel more awkward for having assumed they might be understanding.

   2. Suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255. Save it in your phone. Sit by your friend and get her through the crisis, but don’t on so much of the burden alone if you can share it with the professionals (or professional volunteers?) by calling the hotline together.

      Also I recommend 5 hour energy, but I split the bottle into two servings.

   3. As a semi-related note, it would be nice if people, including managers and catcallers, learned the difference between a neutral face and a frown.

8. Has anyone in a long term relationship gone through periods where you just don’t want anything to do with your partner? My fiancé hasn’t done anything wrong yet I cringe when I hear him walk through the door. Like dude just leave me tf alone. Idk if maybe I haven’t had enough alone time, or if I got used to him being away and now I feel cramped, or if it’s wedding planning/work/schedule change stress, but I just cannot stand to be around him. It’s not fair of me to act so irritable all the time so I’ve basically been holing up in the bedroom going to sleep early to try to get up early and get back in my workout schedule. What’s up with this? If I just ignore it will it go away?

   1. Yeah absolutely. And then we broke up.

      1. Same here.

      2. Same. Happiest week of my marriage was the week my ex-H was traveling on business, because I finally got to be home without being judged.

      3. +1 – my ex was like that towards the end (didn’t really want to do much with me) and it was because he had these feelings and was hoping they would go away…

   2. I’d start by just asking for some alone time. I go through periods where I feel like I’m never alone even if my husband and I are in different rooms not talking. I leave before him and get home after him so he gets quite a bit of home alone time. When I start feeling like that, I just tell him I’ll need some home alone time in the next few days. He’ll make plans with a friend or even just go to Home Depot for a few hours. We are both introverts, so he gets it.

      Sometimes I think it’s the lack of alone time as well as the lack of control that makes me feel that way. It’s happened with him but also with roommates so I know it’s just a me thing. Speaking up takes care of both problems.

      I always think of the S3x and the City episode where Auden moved in and Carrie loses it and asks for 30 minutes of silence when she gets home every day. I try to speak up before I feel like I might lose it.

   3. I think that wedding planning can be a really stressful time in a relationship. Every little annoyance can become “and I am going to spend my *whole life* with this jerk?!”

      Asking for some quiet alone time is a great idea. Gym is my happy little self-therapy place; no one talks to me, I get to sweat and watch real housewives; no one talks to me. I think especially with your other life stresses, sweating it out might really help.

   4. I married a person who made me feel this way … shockingly, it did not work out. At the time of our divorce I just thought it was part of my personality to need more ‘alone’ time, and I assumed I wasn’t cut out for marriage.

      Fast forward 10 years, married to someone who has never, ever inspired these kind of feelings. So it wasn’t me – it was him (husband #1.)

      So, yeah, he just may not be the one. This phase of your relationship should be really fun. If it isn’t, things aren’t likely to improve.

      1. Wedding planning is a nightmare. I literally don’t know a single person for whom this is true: This phase of your relationship should be really fun.

         1. Actually it was really fun for us.

            Also I wouldn’t say that X is a nightmare if I hadn’t actually done X.

            1. I’m a different Anon from the one who posted above and is now divorced, btw.

         2. Mine was fun. If it’s truly a nightmare for you, you should elope.

            1. I probably will.

         3. I wouldn’t call wedding planning a nightmare, but also wouldn’t call it fun. However, I agree that this part of your *relationship* should be fun– you’re planning a life together and you don’t even like the guy? Pump the brakes.

         4. Not a nightmare! as long as you have perspective- there are two different pars. 1) your marriage, committing to yourself to one person, life partner etc. 2) is the party part which is what most people get stressed about. Not a nightmare at all as long as you remember that that part is just a party. Pick a budget, pick a guest list, and put it together in a month or so. Provide food, booze, and music and enjoy!

   5. Not exactly the same boat (wedding planning was last year and it’s not as bad as “can’t stand you”), but I’m sorta unhappy with other parts of my life right now and it spills over into general impatience or minor irritability or blahness-rather-be-alone sometimes. I’m aware, it’s not fair to him, and I’m actively working on making some changes for myself.

   6. Oh man. You need to think about maybe not marrying this person. I say this in kindness, but some of the worst relationships I have known had this dynamic.

   7. I have been with my husband for 13 years and we have been married for ten years. There have been times where he gets on my nerves sometimes, especially when I am stressed about other things. But I have never cringed when hearing him walk through the door. I felt that way with other boyfriends before him and broke up with them. I am almost always excited to see my husband! If I were you, I would re-think whether this is someone you want to marry and spend your life with.

   8. For me, I realized this when I actually wanted to work late as an excuse to not go and spend time with my SO. Made me realize how unhappy I was in the relationship. Do you think this might be the case with you? A few months later and I was out of that relationship, shocking everyone (including myself). Would you want to be with someone who feels this way about you? Just food for thought.

   9. Funny, I was just thinking about this the other day.

      With my former husband, things got a lot worse the minute we got engaged. Wedding planning was stressful, and everything he did that got on my nerves got on my nerves MORE because it was “OMG it’s going to be this annoying thing for the rest of my life!” I chalked up to normal pre-wedding jitters and guess what? The marriage was a disaster.

      This time around? OMG we are having SO MUCH FUN planning this ridiculous ginormous wedding. Generally Tuesdays are the nights he is out with the boys and I am home alone and generally we like that, but last night he stopped by to pick up something after his boys’ thing and ended up staying over and we were both THRILLED to have an unexpected night together (to make it 7 out of 7 for the week instead of 6 out of 7).

      Really, if you feel like you don’t want to be in the same room with him at this point, I’d suggest taking a step back and thinking seriously about whether this is the guy you should be marrying.

   10. I’ve gone through periods like this with my spouse. Are you taking care of your own needs–i.e., finding time for your hobbies, sleeping enough? Sometimes when my spouse gets home, my brain goes into “taskmaster mode,” which after a day of work is exhausting and makes me irritable. While my spouse could be better at taking charge without direction from me, I recognize that this issue is mostly mine (and I’m working on it). We’re also both introverts and generally spend one evening a week apart from one another, doing our own thing. But we are also assertive about learning new things together–like training for a triathlon, or listening to the same podcast.

9. Can anyone recommend a daily facewash that gently exfoliates? I have been using R&F (I know, I know– but I’m quitting now), and the facewash has tiny little exfoliating pieces that are effective but not abrasive at all. The exfoliant was gentle enough to use morning and night. Is there a drugstore alternative that I could try?

   The R&F line I tried (Reverse) also has a vitamin C/retinol mix. I know that has been discussed before; is the vitamin C important, or just the retinol? Is there a drugstore option, or should I just go get Rx retinol?

   The R&F also had a toner and a sunscreen, and I’ve found alternatives for those. I’m 30 and battling a few forehead fine lines, and otherwise just hoping to improve/maintain texture and evenness. Is there anything else I should add to this routine of exfoliating facewash, toner, vitamin C/retinol, and sunscreen? Thanks for any recommendations!

   1. You don’t need a fancy facewash. Drugstore brands are fine — just find something gentle but that removes your makeup, etc. You’ll want a separate exfoliant and you don’t need to use it every day. Also, physical exfoliants are generally a bad idea. Chemical exfoliants are much easier on your skin. Look on Sephora’s website for AmorePacific Treatment Enzyme Peel. It works incredibly well and is gentle enough if you did want to use it every day. It looks expensive but that amount of enzyme powder will last you about a year.

      1. Also, I use Paula’s Choice for retinol and vitamin C. The packaging is great, which is especially key for vitamin C products, the ingredients are top notch without fragrance and other skin irritants, and the price is right.

   2. If you want a gentle exfoliant, I really like Avene Gentle Purifying for Scrub for Sensitive Skin. Not sure I’d use every day, but it sounds as you describe. The whole line is great and it’s available in most drugstores in NYC and online.

   3. I just use Cetaphil but I scrub the facewash into my skin every night with a soft silicone face scrubber/brush. Not irritating but it gets rid of the dead skin and it feels like a “deeper” clean than just using a facewash.

   4. Find a good soap–I use Cetaphil–get your face wet, put on the soap and dump about 1 tablespoon of baking powder in your palm. Use your finger tips to ‘polish’ your skin with the BP + soap, then rinse.

      It works great! Baking powder is much less abrasive than most other options.

   5. Also, stay away with anything that has microbeads – they are bad for the environment.

   6. I’m a big fan of Dermalogica skin products and their face wash made with rice powder works wonders on my sensitive skin

10. Can someone with narcissistic tendencies or behavior change? Have you ever seen someone exhibit these behaviors (i.e., gaslighting, projection, etc.) in certain circumstances and change? Or change back? There’s someone close in my life who is doing many of these things, but this person, for the last ten years, has been a wonderful friend who is extremely sane and does NOT do those things. This person is definitely suffering from serious depression, but refuses to seek help. Do you cut bait? Has anyone seen someone act this way and come back from it?

    Question prompted by this article: http://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2016/06/20-diversion-tactics-highly-manipulative-narcissists-sociopaths-and-psychopaths-use-to-silence-you/

    1. Get away. If they change you can renew the relationship.

    2. If I’m your friend, and you feel I’m doing this to you, please don’t just ghost on me. Maybe have a “come to j3sus” talk about “either seek help or don’t, but you are seriously depressed and you don’t have to be, and i’m not able to tacitly endorse your depression anymore.” But then follow through and cut bait, until you see a significant change.

    3. Cut bait. Go to Al-Anon meetings. Remove this person from your life.

    4. No. They do not change.

    5. OMG that article is like a laundry list of the things my former husband used to do to me.

       If somebody is doing even a little bit of this to you, you need to run as fast as you can in the other direction.

    6. My closest friend for much of law school turned into a monster our last year and a half. But when I thought more about it, the things that made them just a draining, miserable, ego-crushing person to be around were things that had always been there. Pretty obviously made worse by alcohol and depression but it got to the point where I cried almost every time we talked. I cut them out of my life in March and everything is better. Literally everything. I tried to talk to them. If they turn it around (You’re just too this, that, sensitive, needy), if they won’t listen when you approach them as someone who is truly worried, when they brush you off….those are danger signs that it’s not gonna get better.

       1. Same anon as just above.
          That article made me cry. It’s been a long day and I actually had to des with this person for a few minutes today (unavoidable) and I’m reading it now and it’s just describing my life dealing with this person. I still struggle with some of the shit they put me through, trusting my own perceptions of things. If you are miserable, don’t try to fix them. Tell them once that you think they should consider therapy and then gtfo.

11. I just found out I’ve advanced to the next step in the recruitment process for my dream job. AAAH!

    I’m trying very hard not to window-shop for a new non-student wardrobe and totally failing. Any recommendations for someone who hasn’t worn anything but jeans and graphic tees in years?

    1. Yay! Congrats!

    2. What type of job would it be?

    3. Congrats! I’d try to keep in mind that office wear is generally less comfy than jeans/tees — when you try clothes on, try to keep in mind how comfortable you’d be sitting down, walking around, etc in the outfit for 8 hrs a day. Look for spandex blends :)

12. Any advice on dealing with extended periods of uncertainty in life, especially if you’re a Type A control freak?

    My husband was laid off three weeks ago and is actively searching for his next role. Due to a variety of circumstances, we will likely end up relocating to another state for his next position. I may or may not become a ‘trailing spouse’, giving up my current role to follow him (this is dependent on whether or not my current role lets me work remotely from our new location). We’ve also been planning to start TTC, which has since been put on hold due to his unemployment, but will be back on the priority list once he finds his next job. Financially, we’re fine for a long time, due to severance and savings, but it would be great to stop living off of one income again.

    I’m really struggling with not knowing where we’ll be living in a few months, when he’ll find his next job, what will happen with my job, and when we can start a family. I know that in the long run, all of this uncertainty is temporary and that it will work out fine at some point, but it’s rather excruciating to be in the middle of it. I’m normally a big long-term planner, but my brain is literally incapable of thinking beyond next week right now. I haven’t been talking to my husband about it because I don’t want to burden him with my stress as well; I want to be strong and not make him feel worse about being laid off (his pride took a major hit).

    I guess I thought I was doing okay with all of this, but I immediately burst into tears as soon as I had a moment to myself last night, which made me realize I’m not handling this as well as I thought. Any advice?

    PS – I appreciate any suggestions for therapy, but that is unfortunately out of the question right now due to budgetary and insurance issues. My employer does not have an EAP program.

    1. I don’t think you need therapy. This just really sucks.

       1. Thank you (seriously). Having an objective third party tell me no, this situation actually really sucks makes me feel less bad about having a hard time with all of this. Spontaneous crying seems like a somewhat reasonable response to me now.

    2. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the future you thought you had, before your H got laid off. That’s okay. That’s normal. That’s disappointing. Allow yourself to recover, and support your H as best as you can. You also deserve support. Go out with your friends (maybe at a BYOB place if you’re on a budget). Have a game night. You still deserve to have fun. Cherish the time you have with those in your current city now — they might become long-distance friends soon. That’s okay too. You’re doing alright. You’re dealing with one of modern life’s sh!ttiest things right now — losing a job. Sure, your H lost the job and not you, but you’re hugely impacted. You probably feel extra stress being the only breadwinner now. That’s normal too. Hugs.

    3. You don’t need therapy. Talk to your husband a bit but schedule brunch with girlfriends to really vent. Be kind to yourself in small ways – hot bath and a glass of wine.

       If you’re like me, making lists might help – lists of all the different options and possibilities. Helps me see that things are unsettled but they are also not infinite – you’re not leaving the country/you are on the same page about TTC timing/you have a specific second location you are considering.

    4. Yeah I don’t think you need therapy. The uncertainty is miserable but it will eventually pass. I was in a similar spot a few years ago when my husband was a post doc and was having a really tough time getting a tenure track job. Each year he would go on the job market and we would have no idea for 6+ months where or if we’d be moving. I was absolutely miserable, despite having many hallmarks of a great life (high-paying job, living in a beautiful place, great friends etc). Looking back I wish I had enjoyed the moment more and not fretted so much about that future, but that’s a hard thing for a Type A person to do.

       I have to wonder though how much of your unhappiness is stemming from the decision to postpone TTC, and if that’s really necessary. I can understand why you don’t want to TTC right after his job loss but do you really have to postpone it until he finds new employment? Could you agree to try in six months even if he hasn’t found a new job? I don’t see why that would be such a bad decision if you have a good job w health insurance and you guys are financially secure. You can move while pregnant or with an infant. It might not be super fun, but people do it all the time.

    5. Oh hello welcome to my current life. It sucks. My doctor prescribed me a variety of inexpensive pharmaceuticals (lexapro, xanax, non-ambien sleeping pills) to take the edge off of this horror show. I’ve also recently picked up a new specific exercise habit so every time I need to imagine living in a new location I can just google that there is a group fitness studio nearby and know that at least that thing can be constant. That is like the suggestion above to make lots of lists. I have an evernote page for each city I might move to with some information, like the local fitness groups. Are you the person with two years savings that I told to take a vacation? I took a vacation and it really helped with the not-being-able-to-think and being-overwhelmed parts. It’s gonna be fine but it really just sucks right now.

       1. Also – I know my reaction to uncertainty is to buy everything from Amazon because I think that all of the stuff will be the solution to my life, so this time I am actively stopping myself from buying things until I consume the things I already own. That unbought book will probably not be any more life changing than the books I already own and have not yet read…

    6. I have a TERRIBLE relationship with uncertainty. According to my therapist. She is not wrong.

       I found out a few weeks ago that I’m being fired from my biglaw job because of a steaming pile of BS. The kind where they tell you you have no future but they adore you and you can work there for x no. of months while you look for a job. Yay. I totally don’t feel like driving off the top of the parking deck.

       I don’t tons of savings, I have an emergency fund and enough to take care of myself for a while, but that’s *all* my savings. I don’t have a partner to rely on. My insides are liquid most of the time.

       So it’s really easy to let the panic creep in about not knowing what the future looks like.

       I think I’m dealing with it better than you are (I also think you’ve posted before about this), and you are in a far more secure position. Let me tell you how:

       1.) Worrying about undetermined future outcomes is pointlessly borrowing worry. It is completely unproductive to obsess about future choices (will hubs take this job or that? will I have to move) until those options have materialized and action is required. I know it isn’t easy not to think about these things and weight them, but you need to train your brain to recognize when you’re doing that and to stop doing it. I repeat the phrase “pointlessly borrowing worry” to remind myself.

       2.) Be grateful for how good you have it, relatively speaking.

       3.) Remind yourself that you never know what’s coming around the corner. Life can only be understood backwards, but it has to be lived forwards. It doesn’t feel like it now, but opportunities will pop up. If you’re an analytical person like me who likes to rely on data and logic to make decisions and guide your feelings, this is tricky, because right now you have no “options” and there’s no data telling you that there will be options and no way to verify that. But you have to try to trust that they will come.

       When I’m feeling like nothing good will pop up, I focus on all the moments where my life changed unexpectedly: I got a call out of the blue from a partner I haven’t seen in years asking if I wanted to join his firm. I lost one job opportunity due to bureaucracy, but an even better opportunity took its place directly because of that loss. A random scheduling snafu connected me to a person who helped me get a job.

       4.) It’s actually *good* that you can’t think past this week. Focusing on the here-and-now is productive, it is contained, it is concrete. Focusing on the present when possible allows you to take baby steps. You don’t have to figure out your whole life right now. You don’t have to come up with all the answers. You don’t have to come up with a perfect plan. Not only are you not required to do these things, you cannot. So do yourself a favor and don’t ask yourself to complete a task that is impossible. Free yourself from the idea that you do have to do all of these things.

       5.) Take care of yourself and your husband. Enjoy your city. Enjoy your friends. Cook good food. Refocus on your relationship. Work on a new project or hobby. Anything to get out of your head.

       6.) Crying is ok and doesn’t mean you’re failing at handling this week. Sadness is understandable (this blows!!) and it’s just an emotion. Just experience and acknowledge the emotion and move on. Crying doesn’t mean “this situation will never get better ever and I’m a failure.” It means “I’m sad about this right now.”

       It *blows.* But treat yourself to happiness while you let things unfold. Don’t borrow worry.

       1. This is AMAZING advice for lots and lots of stressful situations. I’m emailing it to myself.

       2. Thank you, thank you, thank you. This was just what I needed. “Life can only be understood backwards, but it has to be lived forwards” is going to be my mantra for these next few weeks/months. Freeing myself from the idea that I have to plan and know what’s coming next is really helpful, too. Like you said, it’s impossible, so I’m simply stressing out over the impossible.

          Also, I’m so sorry to hear that you’re dealing with a similar situation right now. I wish I could provide you with insights as thoughtful as the ones you shared with me, but I will simply say that it sucks and I’m sorry and I hope that you continue ‘living forward’ and that this all makes sense for you someday.

          1. Thanks, Uncertainty and Frozen Peach. I am so glad this is helpful! It’s helpful to me to write it all out as a refresher course, too. Thanks for your kind words, and best of luck. Hang in there, and I will too.

    7. control freak here. Seconding what everyone has said. It is ok to feel overwhelmed. You will get through this, give yourself some time.
       If it is the type of thing that makes you feel better, some planning still makes sense. So you might relocate, but it sounds like there is no way of predicting where you might end up. You still could declutter the entire house(always useful!), get paperworks organized (especially what you need for moving), compile a list of criteria for your future home, meal plan the next two weeks, plan a nice date night for the two of you to unwind etc.

    8. In addition to all the other good advice you’ve gotten here, I would also advise you to either stay away from Facebook/social media altogether, or to remind yourself that people are only posting the happy side of their life, quite a few of them may also be bursting into spontaneous tears, but not showing that on Facebook. For instance, I was bursting into tears in the 2008-2010 timeframe regularly when I was watching my friends post about being pregnant or buying new houses at a time when I was at sinking ship company that was having layoffs left and right, my husband took a huge pay cut and I was being rejected from what I thought (at the time) were dream jobs. It wasn’t until a few years later that I learned that while I was sobbing over their pregnancies, they were going through other live crises of their own, like very sick parents or crumbling marriages. The grass is always greener on social media.

       Like others have suggested, channel your planner instincts into planning what you can without obsessing – for instance, tightening up your budget, planning up how long your emergency fund will go without your husband’s income, go into meal planning mode to save money, or into kick@ss at work so they will want to let you work remotely (or into kick@ss resume building mode if you know you’ll be applying for new jobs in the next year). Unfortunately, the you can’t plan for everything, and sometimes you just have to live with uncertainty – even though it sucks. But it’s perfectly normal to acknowledge that in theory but still cry about having to deal with it in reality.

       1. +1

          The grass is always greener on social media. ‘Cause sometimes it’s astroturf.

       2. Thank you for this. It does help to keep in mind that social media is everyone’s ‘highlight reel’, not their ‘crying in the closet alone’ moments (I’m guilty of this myself). A break from that and focusing on the planning/things I can control now are probably best.

    9. I feel your pain as a fellow anxious planner person. I was recently laid off right after having my first child. So it’s been super fun to deal with that on top of postpartum hormones. I think you’ve gotten some great advice on taking this one day at a time. I am trying to do the same and am also trying to be grateful for everything I do have, like my health, SO’s health, healthy happy baby, no student loan debt, etc. I am still having crying moments every few days so you are not alone in that. I hope we both get some good job related news soon.

13. A friend just asked me to officiate his wedding this fall. Has anyone else done this before? It sounds like they want me to write the ceremony, and I’m not sure where to begin. (Also, the couple is on the opposite coast from me and has been really hard to reach lately, so I’m not sure they’ll offer much input.) The archives suggest that some of you all have done this before — any wisdom would be much appreciated.

    Also, bridesmaids are wearing buttercup yellow, groomsmen are wearing navy suits; what do I wear? It’s an outside wedding in early September.

    1. Ask them. Ask them if they want you to write the ceremony. If they say yes, ask them to send you some samples of things they like. Ask them what they want you to wear. If they say, “whatever you want” tell them you need more guidance than that.

    2. If they say “wear whatever you want” I’d go with a navy sheath dress, maybe with an interesting neckline or statement necklace.

       1. Also, as someone planning a wedding, I wouldn’t ask them if they want you to write the ceremony– I’d assume that they are writing it (but by assume, I mean I would confirm with them that they are writing it).

          1. I’d confirm it with them too. We had friends officiate and my husband wrote our ceremony. We told them up front that they didn’t have to write it. Totally ask them what they are thinking for your involvement, what to wear, etc.

       2. Would a navy sheath dress with a yellow necklace be too matchy-matchy?

    3. I’ve done it! It was really fun and meaningful, and I got to choose my own outfit (which was lovely because I *just* had a baby). I did, at their request, write the ceremony for them. Someone had handed down a book to me like, “how to plan your own wedding ceremony” and I went back and forth with the couple (over email) regarding what they did and didn’t want: an opening blessing, readings from the bible, words on marriage, a blessing on rings, etc. It was helpful to have the book to provide an outline and sample passages, and then other things I wrote or sourced elsewhere. The couple wrote their own vows, but I handled the rest.

       I would wear a dark (or at least saturated) color. During the ceremony, you’ll be behind and between them, so you’ll be in the “background” of a lot of photos, and you do want the couple to stand out.

    4. I’ve done it and it was a blast. If you email me at Seniorattorney1 at the google mail I’ll send you a copy of the ceremony I used. I used some Princess Bride references because they are dorks like me that way, and also some great quotes about civil marriage from Goodridge v. Dept of Public Health, the Massachusetts marriage equality case.

       And definitely confirm with them who will be writing the ceremony. They may want to at least participate.

       And I like the idea of a navy dress.

       1. Aww, I <3 your taste, Senior Attorney–that sounds awesome!

          So terribly geeky! :-)

    5. I’m guessing that this will not be the route you choose, but felt like sharing that at my sister’s wedding, they had a friend from France co-“officiate” in French and he wore white cargo pants with the word “CARGO” written down the side. They were 23 and French. It worked out great:)

14. Hi Ladies,

    I posted a couple of months ago that I was very depressed over my breakup with the guy who I thought was the one. Many of you gave me such encouraging advice, and while I’m still processing and dealing with that (that’s a whole other post, lol)….I’m also dealing with something new that I would like the hive’s opinion/advice on.

    I am 37 years old, and (obviously) still single. I have always wanted children, but I also wanted to embark on that journey with the right guy….who I haven’t met yet. Recently, two of my best friends suggested egg freezing to me. I had heard a little about it, and even read an entry on this site about it several years ago. I did some research, met with my doctor, and then met with the fertility specialist. It’s all a little overwhelming. I believe this is the right decision for me, and I will feel like I get some amount of control back in my life.

    So…for any of you who have done it, thought about it, are thinking about it, know about it….any suggestions? It’s more expensive than I thought it would be, which I plan to look into financing options they gave me of companies who specialize in this. Any advice on that? Also, if you have done it, how was your experience? Anything you wish you had known before doing it?

    Thank you!

    1. Not sure, but I just had a consult yesterday on it. I’m definitely going to do the testing they recommended as a precursor, and decide from there. I want it as insurance.

    2. i think i’ve posted this before but here is a medium post a friend of a friend wrote about the experience: https://medium.com/@wren/field-guide-to-egg-freezing-6ef72119c9ea#.iu1o901ij

    3. I did it two years ago and am thinking about doing it again (i just turned 38). feel free to email me at shamlet96 at yahoo if you want to chat about it offline – happy to share my thoughths.

15. Yes, this is a stressful situation that would cause anyone anxiety. I struggle with anxiety in general, and went through years of unemployment and job transitions with my husband. It is hard. My therapist suggested I remind myself of evidence that everything was going to be okay, both personal qualities and practical matters, such as, I am very resourceful in a crisis, my husband has a strong work ethic, we don’t have debt, my family would help us if we needed it, etc. She also suggested repeating to myself all of the reasons I was fine in the moment (especially when having trouble sleeping), such as, I have a stable job, we have a safe affordable place to live, we have plenty to eat, we are healthy, etc. And give yourself permission to just focus on getting through this one day at a time – you really don’t need to make plans beyond next week. Plans gives you the illusion of control, but I think it is always mostly an illusion.

    1. Whoops, sorry, I did it wrong. My reply was meant for Uncertainty.

16. My husband and I will be relocating to a new city with a HCOL (objectively, and also higher than where we are now).

    I will be working from home so we’ll be getting a place large enough for me to have a home office, so we’ll have to pay a bit more than we would if I was working out of an office-office.

    Am I asking for trouble in wanting to spend 30% of take-home on housing costs? I’ve never gone above 25% of take-home before (closer to 20% most of the time) so I’m a little nervous, but take-home for us means our 401K maxed contributions are taken out, so at least a good chunk is already being put away.

    Thoughts?

    1. It’s totally up to you. You know your budget. Be prepared for ALL of your expenses to increase — a gallon of milk will be more expensive in your new city, an hour of babysitting will be more expensive, daycare will be more expensive, housekeeper will be more expensive, transportation/parking will be more expensive, your gym will be more expensive. If all of your ends meet, and you have 30% left to spend on housing, great!

       1. In addition to ALL your expenses to increase, have you used a financial tool to recalculate your new take-home pay, especially if you are moving from one state to another with different tax levels, or if your husband’s new job means a change in insurance costs, etc? Are you moving to a place where heating or air conditioning costs might be significantly higher or lower?

          Also, I am not a tax professional, so you should talk to someone who is, but if you will be working as a 1099 contractor (not a W-2 employee) you may be able to deduct part of the expenses for your home office as long as it’s a dedicated work space – but again, talk to a real CPA, not a person on the internet armed with Google and TurboTax.

    2. seems normal.

    3. Only 30%? In a HCOL area? Yeah that’s below normal and fine

    4. Unfortunately HCOL cities frequently mean that spending ~30% or more has to happen for a lot of people. I spend ~35% of take home pay in SF and i count myself as having pretty low rent with roommates. I think that the productivity gains in having an extra room for an office/guest room or whatever is probably worth it for you. When I used to work from home I really needed a space dedicated to “work” mentally (or I would go work in the library or coffee shops) and I would have gladly paid more for another br, except I didn’t want to spend the $$ moving. So if you can find a place where you will likely stay more than one year as well, the extra $$ can easily be worth it as opposed to finding a smaller place, feeling like you really needed the extra space after a year, and then moving again to a bigger place.

    5. In NYC, many folks end up spending 50%+ of take home pay so 30% seems totally reasonable.

17. Calling all of you in the Boston/Cambridge area – how much do you pay for childcare, and what kind of childcare is it (daycare vs nanny vs nanny-share vs etc)?

    Thanks!

    1. In a burb not the city proper. We paid $2400/month for bright horizons FT infant care 3 years ago. I’d expect it is more now, and possibly more in the city proper.

       When I lived west of the city (wayland) I paid $1800/mo for FT toddler care and that was a steal. My center had limited hours (7:30-6 vs BH which was 7-6:30) and not a chain.

       We moved to the south shore and my kids have been out of daycare for a year now but I did look and prices were about the same.

       Nannies up here were anywhere from $25k/year-55k/year, depending on experience, tax/non tax, hours, if it was their car vs yours, vacation time, #of kids etc. we budgeted 40k when we considered it.

       Fwiw our childcare for ONE child was more than UMASS tuition! And childcare for 2 was well over our (high) mortgage. So thankful for FT preschool and public school!

    2. $2900 for infant daycare (Bright Horizons), which then dropped to $2400 once my child became older. Downtown Boston.

18. Any recommendations for brunch in LA (Hollywood/West Hollywood, or somewhere within easy Uber distance)? Bonus points if it’s simultaneously (a) delightful enough to be my one “free time” activity on a short trip to LA, and (b) not so trendy at the moment that I can’t get in this weekend?

    1. I like Blue Jam cafe a lot. Not pretentious but great food.

    2. The Little Door in West Hollywood, 8132 West Third Street. French bistro, fancy brunch. For casual brunch, their ancillary restaurant/bakery, The Little Next Door, which is, as you might guess, next door. I wouldn’t get tired of eating there three or four times a week. Brunch is divine. Toast, just down the street at 8221 West Third, is also very good for brunch.

    3. Thanks for the ideas, ladies. All of these places look delish. These recs are appreciated!!

19. The patio of Gracias Madre is gorgeous. All vegetarian, FYI

20. Put up painters tape in the appropriate size in the center of the bed (on the wall) and then one off to the side. If it is off to the side, consider a small table, deck, chair underneath the picture so it is intentional.

    You can cut out the area of the painting on gift wrap or grocery bag and then hang it up in both locations. Wait a week and see what you think.

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