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- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
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- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anonforthis-frequent poster
On Friday, I posted about my SO wanting God in his life and the extreme way he was going about it. I have to thank all of you that responded. The outcome was what I expected; he proclaimed to be saved and that if I wasn’t saved, I was going to hell (said the polite way – “wasn’t welcome in the kingdom of God”).
What I learned: this experience wasn’t about God coming to him to change him, it was to change me. It’s the clear sign I needed to run. Run far, run fast.
Anonymous
I am so sad that you’re going through this and so happy that you are getting out.
Anonny
I’d consider YOU the “saved” one. It only gets better from here! Stay strong.
Senior Attorney
Good one, Anonny!
To the OP, condolences and congratulations at the same time! I think you definitely dodged a bullet here!
Roman Holiday
Glad you’re getting out of what was clearly becoming an unhealthy relationship. Good for you for seeing it early and moving on!
Lyssa
I’m sorry that you’ve had to go through that. I wonder if this is something that he’ll get over in a few weeks or months; I’ll bet it is. I’m not saying that you should try to continue/restart the relationship if he does (you probably should not!), just that I feel like I’ve seen the “saved” thing to often be an intense phase for the emotionally vulnerable rather than a true life change. Either way, though, obviously not someone that you need to be in a serious relationship with.
Anonymous
Oh yeah I totes agree; in two months he’ll be done with Jesus and super into raising honeybees or something. But still.
lost academic
I’m so sorry this happened but glad at least you have such a clear direction now. Good luck!
bridget
(Inhale, exhale) None of us know who is saved and who isn’t saved, because we don’t know each other’s hearts. But it’s a bit strange to tell a churchgoing Christian that she isn’t saved because….? (Why, exactly?)
So yeah, not a fan of your now-ex-boyfriend. I hope he finds what he is looking for, and I hope that you find someone who loves you more than he loves his self-righteousness.
2 Cents
+1
Lyssa
I’m not an expert on this At All, but my understanding growing up in a largely Southern Baptist area was that being saved is a definitive event – you definitely know when you experience it and once you are, it can never change (but sometimes you think that you experienced it, but were wrong, and have to do it all over again), and if you haven’t experienced it, you’re not. Smart mouth that I was, I would constantly post hypotheticals about what if you were saved when you were a teen, and then went on to become a serial killer, but the only response was that, well, if you were truly saved, you just wouldn’t do that. It’s very black and white. My religion (Catholic) did not have such a concept, so I was well and truly not, in their opinion. :)
bridget
The theological debate about salvation aside (it’s an interesting one), there are people whose definition of “saved” seems to be “I know I am because I know you’re not.” Does that make sense?
More updates requested
I feel like we run a life drama venting hotline here. Any other feedback? I feel like for as long as I’ve been reading this (started as my pumping break reading material), there should be a lot of babies for all of the “am I pregnant” diagnoses that we internet strangers are called to help decide.
Updates, anyone?
Bewitched
This seems rude. I for one, draw strength and support from the fact that other strong women face challenges in their lives and overcome them. After all, life is nothing if not a series of ups (babies!) and downs (job loss, relationships ending, deaths, illness etc). Perhaps utilize the “scroll” keys if there is something that does not interest you?
Anonymous
I read this as a sincere interest in how things have turned out for people?
Bewitched
I think you can take a sincere interest in how things turned out without stating “I feel we run a life drama venting hotline here.”
Anonymous
But we totes do!
Lyssa
I didn’t read “life drama venting” as a bad thing (I could be wrong, though), more of an acknowledgement that that’s what people need sometimes. My first thought was “Heck, someone should market that – Lyssa’s Life Drama Venting Service could be a great business idea!”
I love to read updates . If nothing else, it’s nice to see that people do ultimately move past problems, even if they seem (and often are) enormous and life-dominating for a time.
January
I think it may have been meant in a more lighthearted way since the OP expressed interest in how others’ problems have turned out. But I can definitely see where it could be perceived as complaining. I agree with everybody – I get a lot out of the advice here, and I’ve also really enjoyed seeing others move past difficult problems in their lives (even though you’re all virtual people to me).
KT
I think a lot of women here are juggling life. Careers and all of its up and downs, normal family strife, ambitions, disappointments, etc. So many of these women are doing SO MUCH they don’t have anyone they can sit with and get career advice or rant…this is a safe zone for those women to get things off their chest, get support and advice.
The biopsies were negative!
Good news to belatedly share (about things that I did post about early):
1. the biopsy was negative
2. the colposcopy was not pleasant, but wasn’t anything to escalate beyond doing re-paps until we go normal for a while
congrats
So happy to hear this news. I’ve wondered about how everything turned out for you. I had a colposcopy in Summer 2009 and my paps have been normal since — hoping you get the same good (and likely) results.
Houda
This is awesome, glad it was a false alarm
Anon
So glad to hear this! Also, you just motivated me to schedule a pap, which I haven’t had for a couple years now.
Anonymous
Such good news! High five!
Hildegarde
Great idea! (This doesn’t seem rude to me; just asking for updates.) I’ve never posted about terribly interesting drama, but I did post that I was looking for a new job a while ago, and used this s*te to set up lunch with another reader here to get some job-searching advice. Well, I finally got a new job! It’s in government, not a firm, and it was a little difficult for me to contemplate the idea that I might never return to private practice (though I am not the poster who posted about this idea the other day). But this new job is more money, a better commute, and working with a topic I really care about. So on the whole, a big win.
Anonymous
This is fantastic — this sums up so much of why I come here. The whole work thing dominates our live and is so much more art than science.
Hildegarde
Thanks! Yes, before I actually started working I thought a career was like a ladder, but the best move to make next, whether it’s a next job or how to handle a particular situation, really is not always clear cut.
Senior Attorney
Hooray!
RR
Congratulations! I haven’t read the comments here forever, and I just happened to read today and get to see the great update.
Hildegarde
Thank you! I’m really excited about the new position.
Not pregnant, just late
At my age, I could be pregnant or beginning perimenopause (or just late). Whatever it was (and despite google sugging that most >40 women are late b/c they are in fact pregnant), I was just late. Then I had a 21-day period as payback. Grrr.
Houda
I had posted about many things but here is a general update:
– My sisters are womaning up even if the few months after my mother’s passing everything was on me. I feel they are now starting to understand I can’t be their financial and emotional crutch.
– My boss who put me on performance improvement program right after my mum’s death has resigned and left a huge mess behind him, but I am still under probation because you cannot overwrite his doing on the HR system.
– I addressed my issues of not doing meaningful work by getting some reading done and now I feel much better intellectually because I felt my mind was starved.
I always come to this community for support, and I genuinely follow each one’s stories, be it with depression, surgeries, allergies, moving, etc. The only things I skip are mommy/pregnancy/STD posts and ELLEn every now and then
Anony
Houda, I am so glad to hear things are looking up for you!
moss
put me on performance improvement program right after my mum’s death
You must work for Amazon! ;) but seriously that’s horrible, I hope they get that off your back soon.
moss
I don’t see very many “Am I pregnant” posts. Perhaps you have us confused with someone else.
Meg Murry
I will admit to be one of the people to occasionally add “well, you might want to take a pregnancy test just in case, because that sounds like one of the symptoms I had” when people ask about something that isn’t directly pregnancy related (boobs suddenly fuller, mysterious appearance or disappearance of acne, a random stomach bug that just won’t go away) because those were all my symptoms of my surprise pregnancy that I didn’t put together until I got a positive test. Most of the time, I suspect the OP is not pregnant, but if nothing else, I’ve found taking a pregnancy test at least accomplished a “well, at least that isn’t the reason, check that one off the list and look at the 499 other reasons for this symptom”. Probably a carryover from my college med center, which pretty much handed a pregnancy test to every woman who walked in the door as a first point of testing, no matter what symptoms they had.
Anon OP
I was the one with the suddenly fuller b**bs – not pregnant. Just horrendously bad PMS. And for the record, now a good example that your post-weaning b**bs may not be empty balloons forever.
anon for this from Friday
On Friday’s open thread, I posted about getting prescriptions for anti-anxiety medications after having a mental health crisis that had me on the verge of being suspended at work.
I’m on day 6 of Lexapro. I can’t say that it is a picnic by any means, but I’m mostly functional. I feel like I’m running at about one-quarter speed most of the time. I’m not having the nausea & difficulty breathing of the previous two weeks. Earlier this week, I didn’t burst into tears and start shouting about an email that was beyond ridiculous. Instead, I just started laughing at the entire situation.
On Monday evening, I disclosed the whole thing to my boss in a long email. This morning, she told me that she is 100% supportive and to do what I need to do to feel and get better.
My husband & I are talking about whether or not I should stay where I am employment-wise. I don’t know that I can handle the stress anymore, but there aren’t a lot of places to work in our community with my skillset. I genuinely love the work I do, but it has taken its toll on me.
KT
Keep going, it gets better. It took me about 2 weeks of daily use for my lexapro to really even me out. My doctor also gave me a prescription for Xanax for when anxiety/panic reached insane levels. When i firsts tarted, I was relying on Xanax 3 or 4 days a week. Now I only need it maybe once every 2 weeks.
I would wait a few weeks and see how you feel. If your job is still making you sick, then start searching.
Anon
+1 to the two weeks. I would give it that long at least (possibly up to a month) and then see how you feel
espresso bean
Agree with KT. It took me a full two weeks of use to really feel like my medicine was working and like I’d come through the fog. You may want to give it a few more weeks and see how you feel. Good luck.
new job!
I posted a while back about being adrift after my practice group collapsed. I was really stressed about finding a senior level position in my niche practice and staying in my small market. After some tense weeks of breath-holding, I landed in a great position that checks all my boxes. Even though I didn’t post much about it during the process, I spent some time reading old posts on job searching and they helped boost my mood about the whole thing.
Anonymous
Ha, I take this as genuine, but I was accused of being a troll a looong time ago, so I’ve tried not to update. Well, the former e_pontellier has graduated from law school, has a child, and is getting a divorce. The divorce was filed late last year (2014) and will likely continue for another year from now, so it’s awful. Overall, I’m doing well though and I’ve been lurking/posting under other names, so most readers will not be surprised to hear this update. Hope everyone else is doing well!
moss
I was a lurker then, I remember reading your username, I am sorry it’s stretching out so long but I hope when it’s over you feel better & carry on toward a great new life!
Diana Barry
+1. All best wishes to you!!!!
Anonymous
Hahah, I didn’t think you were a troll, but I’m so glad that you’re doing better. I hope the divorce proceeds as smoothly as possible, and congrats on the baby!
Senior Attorney
I’m glad you are getting out of the marriage. Divorce is awful and it takes far longer than seems reasonable, but eventually it will be final and things will be better! Hang in there!
Jules
+1. So happy for you and will be pulling for you until you’re on the other side of all of this.
Calico
I always wondered what happened to you. Good luck!
padi
That is awesome. I didn’t comment on your posts but I have been wondering about how you are doing. I am so glad and relieved! Best wishes on your bright future!
SFBayA
I wondered how things had turned out for you. I’m sorry to hear about your struggles but so glad to hear that things are moving towards a really good place for you. You deserve to be happy and it didn’t sound like your ex was willing (able?) to give you that. Best wishes for a new and happy chapter in your and your baby’s lives!
Hey hey!
Hey! I genuinely want to grab a drink with you sometime, and thanks for the holiday card a couple years ago.
Anonymous
I’d love that! My law school email will be deactivated in the very near future so if that’s the only one you have, email me soon so I can give you my updated contact info. Socially, I’ve reverted to my maiden name (even though I can’t practice law under it until the divorce is final).
Anonymous
For pointing me to fashion tape, I will be forever grateful. Stuff is magic.
Anon
I posted a week (two?) ago about my husband’s depression/anxiety which were only sort of managed. After reading everyone’s responses, I felt fortified to really nail down the issue for him. He agreed that he wasn’t keeping up with treatment the way he should and that he really did need a long-term maintenance plan. He said he’d call the therapist and set up an appointment. To my surprise, he didn’t even need reminding/nudging. He told me last night he has an appointment tomorrow morning. I make it a point to be clear that it’s his call how much, if anything, he shares with me about his therapy sessions, but I put in my vote for him asking the doctor specifically for a long-term management plan and he agreed.
Super-anon wife
Okay, I’ll take this as sincere and give an update, it will be kind of long. I’m the one who posted in February about H’s demand that I “quit my job” — my practice in a highly specialized area of law in a firm where I am a name partner — for a slim chance of saving our marriage after I disclosed an affair from 11 years ago (prompted by his epic level of spying on me: reading my texts, tracking my iphone and reconstructing e-mails from a long-dead work laptop).
I had moved out in January and we were seeing a therapist, at least a few times. He never really got past the anger to deal with anything else there — it was a vent session for him, :/ — and the first couple of months this year were horrific, every conversation turned into a screaming match. Based in part on input from all of you — and our therapist and my own individual counselor — I put a stop to what had basically become verbal abuse and continued controlling behavior and made clear that I was willing to work on the transparency he needed but not at the cost of allowing him to see all of my work and personal e-mails and texts and certainly not of abandoning my career. He continued to take the position that I should walk away from our $300k paid-for house since the impending divorce was My Fault.
Then, for some reason he just turned the corner and started to behave like a reasonable human being again. He was adamant that we could not stay married, he could not get past the infidelity (he took off his wedding ring within an hour of me telling him) but we were able to talk and interact like adults, and even like adults who care about each other. By the time our child came home for a few days of college spring break in March, we had dinner together two or three times as a family and things were fine. He also agreed to take out a mortgage to give me a modest amount of equity for a down payment on a new place. It is not 50% of the value but my name is still on the existing house and him keeping the house probably will be in lieu of spousal support. (He is an academic and I make 70 to 100% more than he does, depending on the year.)
Things have improved steadily. He has said that he and I will always be family and in fact considers me his best friend. We are on the path to a divorce — haven’t filed yet for various reasons, including that I have only just moved into my new house and we didn’t have a handle on our individual expenses, which have to be itemized in the dissolution papers. He helped me move and put together furniture; I helped him get some new furniture for the items I took and begin to redecorate a little bit. (I took pretty much all the art. :) )
I did find out that the reason he came around is that he started engaging with women in a specialized dating site (for people involved in a particular political/social movement) and realized that I had not in fact ruined his life, which he had said to me many times in January and February. And, actually, he is now in a serious relationship with a woman who lives in Europe; she was here for three weeks in June and he is there now. (I would like to see him get some therapy to avoid making the same mistakes with her as with me, but whatever.) This is somewhat painful for me, but mostly I want him to be happy — I’m helping our child with the dogs and cats while he’s gone and even helped him figure out some of the international travel stuff, which was always my job in our marriage — and I think it is much better that I am not the first one to move on.
My family and friends have continued to be super-supportive. Oh, and I have an amazing new house that I am decorating to be exactly what I want and that I absolutely love.
I never would have guessed six months ago that things would turn out so well.
Senior Attorney
Wow! Thanks for this update!
Life can be surprising sometimes, can’t it?
Anonny
Please give yourself some credit! They didn’t just “turn out” well… you took very specific, productive steps, and that is why things are where they are today. You should be proud of yourself… I hope things continue to move in this direction!
Calico
Good for you!
Super-anon wife
And a postscript in the vein of moving on:
In about April I got an e-mail for the first time in a year or so from the old friend/long-ago boyfriend whose flirtatious e-mails from about 2006-07 were what H found in my old laptop, setting off the crisis. (I had stopped the flirtation and mostly disengaged with him entirely, since I knew it was not conducive to a healthy marriage.) He asked if he would ever get to see me again, and I told him his timing was uncanny.
He was coming back to our home state (he lives 2000 miles away) for a few weeks and it turned out the date he suggested to get together was what would have been (well, still was) my 26th wedding anniversary. Why yes, that would be perfect. We had a very good time, it was just the right way to get past that particular milestone and, um, get back on the horse. We had three weekends together before he went home. We’re friends more than anything, it’s not going to be an LDR, but like H found out, it’s nice to know that I might still be attractive . . .
moss
that’s adorable, what a great ending!
Super-anon wife
Thanks, everyone!
Senior Attorney
I posted about suddenly being in crisis mode with my elderly parents, and I’m not sure I updated, so here goes. Mom is 91, Dad is 89, they had been living alone in a small condo with Dad mostly taking care of Mom when suddenly Dad became ill and the whole house of cards collapsed.
I can’t believe it’s been only four months, because it seems like forever. But anyway, the house is sold, the car is sold, Mom and Dad are (finally!) together in their new assisted living apartment just ten minutes from my home. Dad has had a very rough time of it and is not nearly what he was, physically or mentally, even a few months ago, but he seems reasonably content in the new place. Mom is kind of complainy but that’s her nature so I’m trying not to take it personally.
It’s hard seeing them so not-very-functional, and my quality of life has taken quite a hit with the added responsibilities, but things are reasonably stable and the immediate crisis mode has died down, so I’ll take it for now…
Jules
It sounds hard, but so much better than it could have been (and than it was during the worst of the crisis). So happy for you that things are stable and improving
Blonde Lawyer
Wow! I can’t believe it has been 4 months because I feel like you posted this problem last week!
Anon
I posted about a year ago about a really bad day–found out my mom had cancer and needed a bone marrow transplant, our paid-off car broke down for the last time leaving me stranded with three children on the way home from my mom’s doctor appointment, and then found out my husband had high cholesterol (which in the grand scheme of things was not the end of the world, but was kind of the straw that broke the camel’s back that day). Well, a year later my mom had her bone marrow transplant in another state and needed 24/7 care which me and my siblings took turns providing and she is now back home and recovering very well, we bought a new car that I love and we somehow made it work financially since I did not think we could afford it at the time, and my husband got serious about diet and exercise and no longer needs the medication for his cholesterol!
Meg March
That’s great!
SoCalAtty
Let’s see….
-Feb 2013 I moved in house to my “dream job,” which was AMAZING until they made an attorney that is much older than I, but only graduated law school 2 years before I did, my supervisor. Welcome to the land of micro-management! She can’t seem to figure out how to “manage,” so she’s taken to asking me what I’m working on and looking at everything I do. Said new supervisor has decided ADA laws don’t apply here (I had an ADA accommodation to work from home a couple of times per month, due to horrible morning sickness and ulcerative colitis), but she’s free to work from home as needed, as is everyone else in my 5000 person company. Just not me. So that’s great. I’ve almost been here 3 years, but if this keeps up I may be looking for greener pastures. The good thing is that now that I’ve made the jump in-house, moving laterally to another company should be a bit easier.
-I used to post a lot about my brother issues. He’s 23 now, working for a food delivery gig, but I’m not paying any of his bills and he’s actually renting a room from my dad (we have different dads). That seems to be working out fine. I’ve pretty much let that one go – either he’ll decide he wants to do something other than food service / retail, or he won’t, but I can’t make him.
-I’ll be 37 weeks pregnant tomorrow! Baby is due September 10. I’ll be on leave until January 4th, which seems like a crazy amount of time to be out, but I think the break will be good for my work situation as well. I waffled a lot as to whether I wanted kids or not. Two of my best friends have had babies in the past 1.5 years, and I spend a lot of time with them – and it’s been fun. They’re both professionals and so I can kind of see how life will unfold, so that’s been reassuring.
-We sold our tiny house that I was trying to figure out how to remodel, for much more than we bought it, and we’re renting a REALLY nice 3 bedroom townhouse, so plenty of room for baby. Right now we’re just saving for house #2 and working on maxing out our retirement accounts and saving up a 6 month “emergency fund.” I think we’re at about 3 months now.
SoCalAtty
Oh, and my horse has been donated to a NCAA riding team that adores her. Because of her foot issue, I just couldn’t sell her for a price that made me comfortable that her buyer would be able to take care of her, so a friend connected me with on of the trainers at a State University with a great riding team…and they love her! So I won’t get any money for her, but we will get quite a large tax write off, which is actually fine for this year since we won’t have mortgage interest to write off.
So she’s off my bill. I still have my retired jumper, but he lives in a pretty field in wine country and enjoys his life of leisure.
Blonde Lawyer
Wow! That’s awesome.
Gail the Goldfish
I was going to ask about the horse! Glad that worked out.
Anonymous
About a year ago I posted about my husband returning from work after being a stay at home dad and the stress that it was putting on him, me, and my job (which is our primary bread and butter). It had been ~6 months and I felt like I was drowning and wasn’t sure how to get the boat righted. Someone (I wish I could remember who!) talked me off the ledge and shared that her husband had gone through the same thing and that it eased up at about the 9 month mark. Sure enough – it did! Everything is going smoothly again. Partly adjustment to new routine. Partly changes in his work schedule now that he’s not feeling so much pressure to be Perfect Employee.
On a lighter note, I also asked for suggestions for removing build up. My anti-dandruff routine was good for my scalp but awful for my hair. I was recommended to use baking soda and vinegar. Not only did it remove the build-up beautifully – but it also made my scalp feel great! So now that’s all I use. Happy scalp; happy (slightly stinky) hair.
V250
I usually tend to just lurk, but I asked for advice about a year ago on one of my daughter’s issues with university. She had learning disabilities and was facing expulsion for low grades in courses that required a lot of writing. It slowly got sorted out in stages, so I never really updated the story.
She’s a vocal student with dyslexia among other things. We finally got her in to be assessed by a specialist and this woman came up very concrete diagnosis and learning requirements. My daughter now has extra help with exams (alone in a room and more time to complete the exam) etc, extra grants from the provincial government, most of which goes into paying a learning strategist to meet with her on a weekly basis. Her school situation has really improved. She won’t finish completely in 4 years–she will probably need an extra semester, but otherwise she’s on the right track.
a naan
I wore the new brown wedges to my interview. Tripped and fell over a chair while entering the room, but made a joke about it, we all laughed, and I got a callback. Ultimately did not get an offer, though, and am still looking for work… =(
DVF wrap dress -- outfit question
For wrap dresses (like the DVF ones or the BR Gemma), is the dress the outfit? I can’t see wearing it with the DVF wrap-type sweater (too much wrapping). What about something like the Tory Burch Simone cardigan (longer styles with a v-neck)? Something like the JCrew Jackie (or the one that is a cardigan)?
I can’t quite figure it out, but my office is freezing and I don’t think that North Face fleeces are the answer.
AIMS
I like longer cardigans with wrap dresses. You could also do a wrap for warmth.
AIMS
Oh, and in the winter I’ll do a regular boatneck sweater over one dress I have with a collar. I think it looks cute. But might be annoying to do in the summer what with having to take it on and off.
Anonymous
+1. I see this look more and more recently with so many long cardigans out for fall, and I think it looks cool, polished, and pretty.
KateMiddletown
try something underneath for warmth, too. i like slips under wrap dresses as an insurance policy against a gust of wind or too much cleavage.
mascot
Why must retailer market their fits with actual names? Just when I got straight the difference between signature, curvy, and modern, now I need to remember that those are Anne, Kate and Devin? Except when we are at sister store Loft and there are only Julie and Marisa. Yes, I know that shoes and handbags have had names for years. But my suit pants? get off my lawn
The biopsies were negative!
Right! At least use helpful things: Curvy / Pear / Fits Like Mom Jeans.
new anon
I like your suggested names, and also the juxtaposition of your (presumably autofilled from above) name against the post content. :)
KT
Sorry for the shameless post guys, but this breaks my heart.
An Animal Control officer (and personal friend), found a Rottweiler with gunshot wounds. Rather than take it to the shelter where it would have been put down, he took it to a vet he knew and paid for the vet bills himself. He spent the next week tending her wounds, sleeping next to her, and changing the seeping bandages. He tracked down her breeder several thousand miles away, and arranged for a flight to take the dog to its proper home.
I organized a GoFundMe to raise just $500 to give him some sort of recognition and relief. He loves animals, but works several jobs to make ends meet and he deserves a break. If you can afford just $1, $5 or $10 it would make a big difference. If you can’t donate or dont feel comfortable supporting an individual you dont know, please consider sharing and supporting local emergency aid animal groups.
My name has the info if you click on it.
CountC
Thank you for doing this for your friend and for your friend being compassionate. We have a parole officer that lives a few blocks down from me who has shot two loose dogs in our neighborhood. He killed one and wounded the other. He has claimed that both dogs were aggressive towards his dog (but by witness accounts in one instance that is not true). Regardless, when I hear about things like what your friend is doing and you for helping him, it makes me feel less discourage about humanity generally.
KT
That breaks my heart. I know there are awful people, including awful cops and animal control officers, who think nothing of taking a life. Then there’s my friend who is insane (I mean that lovingly).
Last eyer there was an apartment fire and one apartment had 2 German Shepherds trapped inside. The firefighters wouldnt go in out of fear the dogs would attack, so my friend ran through the police line, went into the burning apartment, grabbed their collars, and walked them calmly out. He’s a bit of a local hero–he makes the news about 4 times of year for some insanely brave thing he did to save a pet.
KT
Thank you a million times for your contribution!
moss
I contributed as well. It looks like a great cause but the bloody picture was horrifying and I am glad I did not scroll down first.
KT
Sorry! Should have put warnings. I included them only because some people ont he news article questioned whether or not the dog had really been badly hurt
moss
Ugh, people will do anything to justify not caring.
anon
I want to contribute but I don’t see the link. Can you please post the link so I can contribute? How sad!
KT
If you click on my name in the gray box it will take you to it
KT
http://www.gofundme.com/davesharples
KT
And thank you
Jules
KT, thanks for doing this. Contribution made!
KT
Thank you so much! I so appreciate it
lsw
Done. Reading that brought a tear to my eye. Please thank Dave for me – as the owner of a rescued stray who found her way to the shelter with a huge cut on her head (and now has a charming little scar you can barely see), I am so grateful to all the humans who see the hearts of these doggies underneath all the matted fur and wounds.
KT
Thank you so very much!
Britt
And I just had the honor of pushing this campaign past $500! Yay:)
KT
Thank you a million times! I just told him that I had done this and that we had past our goal, and he was speechless–he’s had a tough time, so it’s nice to see a good person get a break for once.
Anonymous
As a fellow animal lover, I appreciate you sharing the story and recognizing your friend! I just donated as well.
KT
Thank you so much!
Blonde Lawyer
Thank you for doing this. I’ll donate too. It’s also a good reminder for people to research their local shelters. Some (like the one I volunteer at) are amazing and no animal is euthanized for a treatable medical condition no matter the cost. Others claim to be “no kill” but have a very different definition of that policy. It’s better to know if there is a safe place to bring a found animal before you end up in that situation. As animal control, I’m sure your friend knew but the general public doesn’t always know.
Blonde Lawyer
I’m confused on one thing but maybe your page explains it. How was the dog thousands of miles from its owner? Maybe you were saying he returned it to the breeder but I wasn’t understanding that part.
KT
So the breeder had placed the dog with a family but retained ownership and paperwork. She had a strict contract that if the family decided at some point they couldn’t keep the dog, they had to return the dog to her.
They completely ignored that contract and gave the dog away…to a guy who is a known abuser. That’s why when Dave (my friend) scanned the microchip, it was registered to the breeder in Washington State–she retained ownership of the dog.
She flew out yesterday to pick up Wynn and bring her home–she’s made it quite clear Wynn is never going anywhere but her couch again :)
KT
This is very true-some shelters will do anything at any cost to save the dog, others are so slammed they just can’t afford to do so!
L
Late, but this is AWESOME. Please thank your friend for having such compassion and being willing to go such lengths for an animal.
KT
Thank you–he really is amazing. This is pretty typical of what he does!
How often do you go for mamograms?
I’m over 40 and went for one (delayed for after nursing). It seems that it’s time for another (or that it’s been time for about a year). I’m religious about dental cleanings and paps. I think it used to be 5 years, but is it now something to really do annually? I have BC in my family, but only know that b/c we’ve started living long enough to have it (so if you don’t have it until you’re 80+ and have a lumpectomy and are still alive and doing well in your mid-90s, I am not alarmed that I may share those genes; different story if I had it in a parent or people had had it very young).
KT
It depends on the cancer and your family number–for instance, if it’s your paternal grandmother who had it, you probably are fine every 5 years. But if it’s your mother, you may want to go every year or two.
I’m screwed genetic wise, so I have it yearly and started at 28.
Anon
+1. I haven’t had a mammogram yet, but started annual breast ultrasounds at 32. My mom was diagnosed with BC at 50 and my maternal grandmother at 40. So, I see it as a when, not an if.
Mammograms
Do you have much cancer in your family, other than breast cancer?
In the US, the recommendations are still very flexible for women in their 40’s. It is a decision based on your family history and comfort level. My doc does a Mammo every 2 years or so for women in their 40’s, but I didn’t have my first one until I was ?43 or 44. I have a lot of cancer on one side of my family, but not a lot of breast cancer or very early deaths due to cancer.
Even PAP screening is now spacing out, depending on your history. Now some are spaced as far as every 3 years.
Colonoscopy is every 10 years starting at age 50. If you have any polyps that they remove, they often have you come back for the next one after 5 years.
Mammograms
One other item to consider is whether the mammogram is a good imaging test for you. I now encourage my friends to get a copy of their imaging reports and see if that because of their their breast density, it is difficult to interpret the images.
I have a history in my family — lots of cancer, but BC specifically in both grandmothers and my Mom and one of her sisters — all post menopausal. Nonetheless, I had been going annually since I was forty. Was diagnosed with bilateral BC pre-menopause, 8 months after clean mammograms (one side had many low grade areas that had likely been there for years.) I never got copies of my reports and never knew that the imaging wasn’t that effective for me. Just heard “everything is fine — see you next year.”
An MRI can be much more effective in situations where you have dense breast tissue.
Not trying to be a scare-monger — just wish I had known then, what I know now.
Anon
I’m going to second this to help raise awareness. I have two aunts with BC. Neither was caught by a mammogram because of dense breast tissue. I have already been told that I’ll have the same problem with mammograms.
I hate mammograms....
Which reminds me (as the poster whining recently about how painful my last mammogram was) and as someone with very small and dense breasts….
I got a call saying they want me to come in for ANOTHER mammogram. I don’t know why/what the concern is. No way in hell I am making it through another mammogram. I asked my Doctor if I could have an ultrasound instead. She said no. Which is also just crazy, as I know that ultrasounds are done routinely instead of Mammos for young high risk women. It’s not like I was asking for an MRI….
St Johns Newfoundland?
We’re heading out soon for three days there. Would appreciate any recommendations. We’re staying in/near the “downtown” area and have booked one short (about 2 hours) boat trip for critter and fowl sighting. That’s all. We will have a car though. Have loved National Parks in other Canadian provinces. Haven’t found much about anything in Newfie.
Thanks so much.
KittyKat
Bay of fundy… just do it even though its the most touristy thing ever the tides are really cool. Plus the flower pots, really fascinating stuff. Eat seafood if that’s your jam because its all so fresh. Whale watching was magical when I went too.
KittyKat
Also there and a bunch of artisans and traditional chocolatiers and you can get great treats and gifts there
Anonymous
That’s St. John’s New Brunswick :)
KittyKat
Oh derp. Sorry. Actually have been to both but I don’t have anything to say about Newfoundland. Didn’t really care for it
SuziStockbroker
It’s actually St. John’s, Newfoundland and St. John, New Brunswick.
St John's Newfoundland?
Yes, we’ve been to St John, New Brunswick, done the Bay of Fundy and so forth.
SO now onto Newfoundland. I do hear (and saw on Zimmern’s Bizarre Foods) that it is a pub crawl, seafood, wild game sort of place. Yes?
rices
Even more importantly, it’s St. John’s, Newfoundland and Saint John, New Brunswick ;)
SuziStockbroker
Gros Morne National Park is in Newfoundland.
Here is a link of other things to do: http://www.newfoundlandlabrador.com/thingstodo/
I’ve not been there myself, although I have been to all the other Maritime provinces.
I think the scenary and the people are the real draws, not so much “stuff to do” though.
Every single person I have ever met who is from Newfoundland has longed to return there permanently, and most of them have!
SuziStockbroker
Places to go: http://www.newfoundlandlabrador.com/PlacesToGo
KP
This thread so far is pretty funny! I actually laughed out loud at my desk. I live in the actual St. John’s (Newfoundland and Labrador) so I can answer any specific questions you have. Gros Morne National Park is stunning but on the opposite side of the province from St. John’s (think 9 hour drive) so you are probably not going to do that.
St. John’s proper has amazing restaurants and some fun little shops to see in the downtown area. Other great things to do are hikes (there are a million, stunning scenery), whale watching, kayaking, basically any outdoor activity you want (although the weather may not be great – it varies like crazy, pack layers).
Great places to eat: Raymonds (one of the best restaurants in Canada, classy), Merchant Tavern (it’s the sister restaurant of Raymonds, very new, tasty but more tavern style), Mallard Cottage (in Quidi Vidi – pronounced kiddy viddy – really amazing modern twists on local food), Adelaide Oyster House (this is a small plates spot, it’s tiny and no reservations but very modern and tasty), Piatto (gourmet pizza, brick oven style)… I could go on and on. A lot of these places are hard to get a reservation at, so I would check them out online now and try to see if you can get something. Also try calling if it says they’re booked up online.
Tourist things to see – Cape Spear, Signal Hill, Quidi Vidi Village, The Rooms (museum and art gallery). Your hotel will have all kinds of information for you.
Also just as a tip, I wouldn’t call anyone a “Newfie” (or even refer to NL as “Newfie”), some people are ok with it but others treat it as an ethnic slur and personally I never utter the word. It is one of those things right now that people probably feel ok calling themselves but they would not respond well to someone else calling them it. If that makes sense. Just avoid it.
Any specific questions – do ask!
KP
I should also add two more things – if you like drinking, there is a big drinking culture here. There are LOTS of pubs/bars on George Street (although not my preference, it skews young/icky). If you want a beer somewhere “authentic” try the Duke of Duckworth or the Ship Inn (pub). Both of those places also serve food (fish and chips type stuff). Many bars downtown will have local traditional music if you want to check that out.
For souvenirs, crafts are great, things like mittens, quilts, art, that kind of thing. Newfoundland Chocolate Company does chocolates with local berries that are delicious.
Anonymous
This has been tremendous help!
I guess, coming from time (think years) spent in the Western provinces, I did not realize about the shortened name. Funny, many Australians tend to use diminutive versions for anything and everything. I would never ever want to offend anyone. I’m so grateful for that.
We are planning to drive over to the Signal Hill area…and then we are open for the few days there. The food and pub recommendations are the best! We do plan on taking a break from a hurried life, so watching the scenery (just like we did in Antarctica) will be perfect.
Many thanks for the heartfelt guidance.
Catslastname
I grew up in NL, and now live in the States…cannot believe you are in St John’s, which is and always has been a truly cool little city on the water. How do you feel about fish and brewis?
LLBMBA
didn’t care for St. John’s? Blasphemy!
Eat at Mallard Cottage and/or the Reluctant Chef. Pick up lunch at Rocket Cafe.
The Rooms is cool if you like history/museums. Get “screeched in” on George Street, if you’re up for something ridiculous.
You can walk a chuck of the East Coast Trail, which is pretty beautiful.
we went for a night to Fisher’s Loft Inn, if you were looking for an outing. It was delightful. http://fishersloft.com/
It’s so beautiful there!
Mammograms
The first time I was there, we went whale watching in Bay Bulls — had about 5 whales surrounding out boat on a beautiful sunny day — we were so lucky. If you like birds, I would recommend Cape St. Mary’s as well — Northern Gannets migrate there in the summer — thousands of them — like sitting in the middle of a 3D movie. My friend, who loves birds and is a photographer could sit there all day.
And if you have a chance, order and read the book “The Day the World Came to Town” — its about when a number of planes landed in Gander Newfoundland on 9/11 — will make your cry at the wonderful hospitality of the local people.
I love it there — I get there for work every now and then and go back every chance I get.
Have fun!
St John's Newfoundland?
Yes! I heard the story on one of the discover/history/smithsonian channels. So moving. So caring. So wonderful. So we can’t wait to meet people in St. John’s.
anon
What are your thoughts about ann taylor quality? I’ve heard some very negative opinions about Jcrew and BR, and I’m wondering how AT compares. Should I expect to get heavy use out of the clothes for several years? Do they start looking beat up fairly early on? etc.
Anon
I find it has really gone downhill and is probably lower quality than JCrew and BR. Though my older stuff from there has held up well.
Em
Agreed. It really depends on what you get and whether you know your fabrics.
I got a few pieces this summer that I love but I just stopped in earlier and the stuff on the sale rack was just crap. When I see silk and other better made stuff, I don’t mind it, but you really have to see it in person/be willing to return items.
Anonymous
You should never expect heavy use for several years at that price point. I love AT and wear it all the time. Most stuff looks pretty good one season, decent the next.
CPA Lady
I used to only shop there. The clothes I have from 10-ish years ago are still in great shape. The clothes I’ve bought more recently have been hit or miss. The couple of dresses I’ve bought in the last few years have held up well, 1 pair of pants did well, another pair of pants did terribly. You can still find some good stuff, but a lot of it has gone downhill, just like everywhere else. They’re using a lot more synthetics than they did a decade ago, but I think everyone is now too.
TBK
Oh my goodness, yes. For college graduation (more than a decade ago) my mom bought me a beautiful cranberry silk twinset from AT. It was a fancy store we never shopped at and I wore that thing for years and years and years. But now? Cheap cheap cheap. I so hate the synthetics trend. They just do not wear like natural fibers.
bridget
This is *exactly* what I have found. I have some stuff that is 10 years old that is in better shape than the newer stuff. Unfortunately, a lot of their higher-end items are online only, so you can’t try them on in the store and you have to pay $8.95 in shipping.
In the Pink
This is why I have been happier with Wool Overs as recommended by a poster here. Great price points, good quality (at least in the cotton/silk cardis for summer) and I’m looking forward to a chance to wear the long sleeved cardis I got in cashmere and merino for fall. THis is the only place that I have found a decent number of V neck cardis!
TBK
Ooh, thanks for the rec! There should be a post sometime about retailers whose quality has NOT deteriorated, i.e., where to shop for good quality clothes that will wear well.
bridget
Someone recommended Wool Overs, so I’ll have to check them out.
LOVE TBK’s idea.
KateMiddletown
beware Loft, AT’s cheaper sister brand. their quality is particularly questionable. (but both have plenty of trendy, cheap/very-cheap-with-frequent-promos stuff much of which is machine washable.)
AR
I buy things on sale here because I usually get one season out of them before they start snagging or coming apart. Mostly shirts that I don’t mind replacing. That being said, I like how a lot of their shirts fit.
Anonymous
I like their skirts and dresses. Most of my work-horse dresses are AT (NOT loft). Cardigans can pill after 1-2 seasons so you have to be really careful with laundering them. I like AT cashmere sweaters because they’re pretty light-weight (yet warm) and fit me well. So, not investment pieces, but not horrible. I always ALWAYS buy on sale, won’t pay full price for anything.
Bonnie
I think AT, BR and J.Crew are all about the same quality now and would not expect several years of wear. I only buy trendy items from these stores now that I will only wear for a season or two.
SF in House
I will have a free day in Munich at the end of a business trip, due to flight times. Any suggestions for things to do, places to eat? Thanks!
Anon in Munich
What do you like to eat?
padi
Be a local and visit a biergarten! I’d go to the Seehaus–it’s in a big beautiful park.
Out of Place Engineer
Mike’s Bike Tour! Nice half day tour of the city with native English speakers. Or a tour of the local castle (Nyphenburg) with the botanical gardens.
NOLA
I know I’m late but Hotel Anna has the most lovely c*cktails! We felt like it might be too trendy for our 50 yo selves but they were soooo good. I’m pretty certain that the restaurant we liked best was Bohne & Malz am Stachus. International food, not great service, but the fish dish I had with gnocchi and truffles was divine. We also got to meet In-house Europe and she is lovely and fun and helped us find fun things to do and she took us to Hofbrauhaus! We spent one rainy day in the art museums. The Alte Pinakotek was under renovation and partially closed, but I preferred the Neue anyway.
An
There’s a local castle. Oreo the bus tours…the ones with an open top.
My top pick would be to visit Dachau. Though I’m not Jewish, it had a profound effect on me. Each of us has a part to play to reduce racism, or any kind of misery caused by any kind of discrimination. In its worst form, hatred of people results in places like Dachau. Dachau brought that home to me as nothing else did.
An
Aargh,….not Oreo. That should read ” go for”.
couch
I’m looking to buy a new couch, something west elm or CB2 style (and price range). My last couch was comfy and pretty but the cushions flattened in less than a year. I spend a lot of time watching netflix and need a comfy couch! Does anyone have any recs, or have a couch from these places that has lasted? All the online reviews are from people who just purchased, so it is hard to judge longevity.
AIMS
I looked into West Elm when shopping for a couch and found most of the options somewhat uncomfortable. We ended up buying a couch at ABC Home & Carpet, on super sale, and I am very happy with it, quality and looks wise. If you look in their sale section, they have stuff that is in the same style as WE and CB2 and although some of the stuff is absurdly expensive, some couches are comparably priced to both those stores.
If you’re in NY/NJ, they also have outlet stores in the Bronx and NJ, and I think everything is an extra 20% off right now.
Mpls
Not a specific couch, but look for cushions you can switch around. My couch has one spot that gets a lot more sitting than others, but because the seat cushions are all the same, I can rotate them so they get abused more or less equally. The back cushions are 2/1, so I’m more limited in the amount of rotating I can do.
Might help with the cushion flattening. Also, if you are happy with your couch otherwise, you might see about getting the foam in the cushions replaced, rather than replacing the whole couch. I would imagine that wouldn’t be more expensive than a whole new couch.
couch
Thanks, I looked into replacing the cushions about a year ago, but because they weren’t square it was going to cost as much as the couch. I’ve been settling for stuffing pillows in the flat spots until I could afford to replace it!
moss
check your local craigslist too. We got a down-filled leather nailhead trim couch for $300 last time we were in the market.
Lazy lawyer
I cannot endorse my Sherrill furniture enough. You’d have to find a dealer that carries the brand, which is a little inconvenient, but completely worth it. The sofa we bought in 2007 still looks and feels like new (fluffy cushions!), even though it is the most-often used piece of furniture in our house. We bought a second sofa in 2011 that also still looks like new. Prices were comparable to West Elm or CB2 when we purchased.
NYC
If you’re near NYC, I have a couch from Room & Board that I LOVE. It’s insanely comfortable and was a decent price considering that I got it custom upholstered. Their salespeople are fantastic; incredibly helpful and patient (I have trouble making decisions about large purchases, and this is the most expensive object I’ve ever purchased, so it took me a while to decide which style/fabric/etc.). I can’t speak to longevity because I’ve only had it 3 years, but in those 3 years it shows zero signs of wear. One of the best purchases I’ve made.
for couches
American Signature Furniture (if you have one near you). Bought two couches in 2006 that are just now starting to get the flattened cushion effect, and we are regular couch sitters/nappers (as is our 80 lb dog).
AR
Ethan Allen has the best couches that last. Can be pricey but they have far outlasted any of our other furniture. If you go in during their floor sale you can often get the ones they have on display at a great price.
Anonymous
Try Room and Board! Fantastic quality and service, similar price, modern designs.
padi
Room & Board all the way. My couch is my favorite furniture ever. It was a splurge for me but well worth it.
Mpls
If you are in the Mpls/St. Paul area, you can also check out the R&B Outlet in the west suburbs
LAZBOY Urban collection
LAZYBOY urban collection. Comfy, lifetime warranty on frame, 3 years on the cushions and fabric, made in the USA.
– WAAAY better and comparable in price.
you’re welcome.
In the Pink
I have put a loveseat from la z boy in my office … it gets daily use. it’s been good and stiff for 4-5 years now. It’s not a sleeper, just a plain loveseat. The store’s lighting was horrid so I didn’t end up with the color I wanted when choosing the swatch. Beware. Next time, I bring a flashlight!
2 Cents
In late 2007, I bought a 3-seater leather couch from Thomasville on sale for like $1,400. Best purchase ever. It’s held up really well (and hubs and I are couch potatoes), it’s the perfect length for 5’6″ me to lay down on, and the leather is only showing minor wear now (and I don’t condition it or anything…).
2 Cents
Similar to this one (but not a sleeper): http://www.thomasville.com/Furniture/Living-Room-Furniture/Leather-Choices/i313561-Ashby-Sleeper-Sofa.aspx
Jennifer
fyi west elm is having a sofa sale now, if you are close to pulling the trigger anyway.
SoCalAtty
I’m going to plug…. Love Sac! I know, the beanbag chair maker. They make something called a “Sactional” which is basically a sectional couch, but is able to be configured to fit any space. The cushions / covers all come off and can be washed, which is great. If you decide you want a totally different color – just get new covers! Instead of a whole new couch. The couches have a lifetime warranty – so no flat cushions, no sagging. You can add on more pieces, take it apart and turn it into two love seats….very cool. We’ve had ours for a little over 2 years, and it looks great. Husband sat down on it one day with a pen in his pocket and marked it all up…and instead of it being a huge deal, I was just able to order a single new cushion cover.
Renee
Macy’s. You’ll be surprised. Cheaper than those places (but you should wait for a sale – they are frequent) but the same quality. Unless the sofa is being hand made to my specifications, I’d go with Macy’s. I’ve had this sofa since 2010 and been happy. Paid $600. Cushions have lost some firmness but I expected that for the price: https://www.chairish.com/product/112695/macys-chloe-velvet-tufted-sofa-ivory?utm_content=Sofas&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=Purchasing_Site_PLA_PLA_DC_Shopping&gclid=CPz7itD6tccCFYUXHwodSq0NXg
Wedding advice
We are in early planning stages and I’d really enjoy your perspectives:
What is one thing you splurged on and are really happy that you did?
What is one thing you stressed and stressed over and, in retrospect, it wasn’t that important?
What is your favorite memory from your wedding day?
Region, guest count, approx. cost.
Thank you!
KT
My wedding was small in Philadelphia–only about 50 people in an old Mansion. From the event space to food to flowers to wedding dress, everything was under 10,000.
I was really glad we splurged on a good photographer. Honestly, the day was so crazy I really don’t remember key moments–if I didn’t have these beautiful photos, I would question whether or not they occurred!
Videographer was unnecessary–several amateurs with some video editing skills filmed it and made us copies, but I honestly have never watched it.
I stressed over the flowers and no one noticed. I put my bouquet down after the photos and never thought of it again.
KT
My fav moment was before the wedding. The mansion we were staying at gave us each a bedroom as our prep room. They were gorgeous old Victorian style and when we were getting ready, he snuck over to mine (EEP! He saw me before the wedding) and we just sat there on this old chaise and hugged for a minute because this was really happening and we knew it was going to be crazy.
Cat
Philly suburbs, 150 people, I think about $40K.
Splurge: Food/booze and band – happy guests, happy wedding
Save: DIY’ed all of the paper other than the official invitations (so, save-the-dates, programs, menus, seating cards, table numbers…) – purchased pretty papers and ribbons from a card shop, so it wasn’t plain/boring, but it was an easy way to save while watching TV at night.
Another save: Skipping the “must haves” we didn’t care about – no cake, for example.
Moderate save: Went with mostly local, in-season flowers – no flying rare orchids in from wherever.
Memory: Spontaneous hug after our first kiss – we’d stepped back and were supposed to turn and walk down the aisle, but were overwhelmed by OMG we’re married! Taking a minute to secretly watch our reception in progress from a doorway on the way back from the bathroom and marveling at all the people there for us. Having a table to ourselves so that we could enjoy a quiet minute together.
Cat
Oh, unnecessary stress – my mother insisted that I personally draw maps and make lists of things to do to tuck them inside people’s welcome bags. In the age of smartphones and Tripadvisor, that really didn’t need to clutter up my to-do list. But I did it anyway to keep the peace.
newlywed in Chicago
Table to ourselves – we did that, I had seen it elsewhere and thought it was a great idea, but one or the other of us (mostly him) kept popping up every 2 minutes to talk to someone, so the other was left at the table alone. He’s generally more social than me, and by dinner, I needed a few minutes to sit still and eat. If I had to do it again, I would seat us with other people so that I could have had 15 minutes to sit peacefully and eat, not alone, while he was socializing.
newlywed in Chicago
somehow this reply ended up in the wrong place
newlywed in Chicago
no, it didn’t. It’s in the right place. I miss the edit function.
Wedding Response
Splurged on – full open bar. And so glad we did. We’re a drinking crowd and everyone traveled to be there.
Stressed about – first dance. Husband really wanted to skip. Probably should have.
Favorite memory – taking a big group photo with all the guests after the ceremony.
Mid-Atlantic. 175 guests, give or take. $35,000 – but this was also 10 years ago.
TXLawyer
We did the big group photo with all of our guests as well! It’s one of my favorite things.
Sydney Bristow
We did a group photo too and it is one of my favorite things too!
Anon
I don’t think we splurged on anything and I’m glad! I bargain hunted every last thing. For my dress, I found it in a boutique in NYC but then found an online retailer who offered the exact same dress for $700 less. I wore $20 ballet slippers for shoes. We found lanterns for $7 each at Ikea for centerpieces (florists were quoting me $30-$50 for similar). I hired a DJ who was in college but was the daughter of a professional wedding DJ. She worked cheap because it was her first big event, BUT she used all her father’s equipment — and brought along an “assistant”…who turned out to be her father (free of charge to us — he just wanted her first event to go well). Photographer was a newcomer to the market who was recommended to us by an established photographer who was already booked that day. Since the newcomer was also building his book, just like the DJ, he was also cheap but excellent. (We couldn’t afford him these days!) We served only wine and beer (no liquor) and used a vendor who would take back all unopened bottles. The florist made our bouquets, the boutonnieres, and two large arrangements for the front of the room, but we DIYed the centerpieces (lanterns surrounded by bud vases with a few stems of flowers in each). Invitations we bought online. We dressed and had the ceremony and reception all at the same place so no transportation costs. And the venue was a gorgeous historic hall that needed almost no additional decorations.
The wedding was in MA, just north of Boston. About 80 guests. Not sure what our final cost was, but I’d ballpark $20k. I bargain hunted everything, but the wedding style itself was somewhat upscale so it wasn’t cheap, per se, just much cheaper than it could have been.
Anon
Oh, unnecessary stress — napkin color. The caterer sent five swatches of different green napkins. I had everyone look over all of them and obsessed between darkish green and darker green. In the end, the caterer used a light green I’d never even seen! But I noticed the napkin color…three months later when I looked at photos.
I do wish I’d gotten a better hairdresser and been more specific with what I wanted. And I regret not getting my make-up done professionally.
Anonymous
As a frequent guest of weddings, please just consider how the whole day will flow for your attendees and how to make the day enjoyable for them also, and how you take care of guests coming in from out of town. Basically, be a gracious host.
Most memorable- the friend who arranged muffin baskets to be delivered to all those staying in a small B and B in the small town where the wedding was held. The same friend also held a cocktail hour while doing pictures.
Worst: The friend that had her reception a 2 hour drive from where the ceremony was, and the “recommended hotel” was 45 min farther than that. As a guest, annoying.
Or the bride that had 4 hours between the ceremony and reception, and the event was held at a vineyard, at least 2 hours away from civilization. The vineyard didn’t have a tasting room, and nothing was open nearby, so that was…fun. We walked by the wedding party having pictures, and doing a tasting, while the rest of the guests milled about/slept in cars, whatever.
For the record, the second two were selfish brides generally, and I’m not close with either anymore.
LondonLeisureYear
I am not done with my wedding. 1.5 months left of planning. But my thoughts:
1) Don’t ask for other’s opinions (family/friends) unless you really have to because it just opens a box of worms haha. If you love something, just go for it. This is in terms of picking a band or your dress….its really easy to get too many opinions if you start asking for them.
2) Sit with your partner and make a “bad wedding” Pinterest board and a “good wedding” Pinterest board – its a great way to get the initial feel for your wedding and then share them with your vendors. Be like we don’t want this vibe- but we do want this vibe. Its been really helpful. My partner didn’t have the words for the type of wedding he he wanted but finding pictures really helped me figure out what he wanted.
3) Stick to what you love. If you didn’t think flowers were important to you and someone was like BUT YOU HAVE TO HAVE FLOWERS don’t be pressured. If you don’t care about the calligraphy then don’t pay someone to calligraphy all your invites…even though its the “proper thing”. Online RSVP is awesome. Saves paper, saves postage, all the info goes into a spreadsheet. Its okay to do things like they have not always been done. Maybe you don’t want a bridal party – you don’t have to have one.
4) Enjoy your engagement time, take breaks from wedding planning. Talk to your partner about things besides wedding because the wedding will be over and you want to still have a strong relationship.
5) Start stuff early because there will be hiccups and delays.
newlywed in Chicago
Totally agree on the opinion part. Don’t ask for advice unless you really need/want it, and pay for everything yourselves. My 2nd wedding was so much less stressful than my first because only my fiancé and I needed to make the decisions. We did not need input/approval from the parents who were footing the bill. That’s not to say we didn’t consider our guests (and parents’) comfort, but the fewer people making the decisions, the easier it is to be on the same page.
Diana Barry
Splurge – my dress, venue, food & wine. Well worth it. We had a destination wedding that was driving distance for most people and flight + 1-2 hr drive for other people (about 1/4 of guests).
Stress – whether DH’s grandpa was going to make a speech. He was very old but past speeches had involved bride price/dowry, discussion of sheep/cows s*x, etc. Would not have gone well with either me or my family! I am really glad I put my foot down. Also the name changing discussion, but that wasn’t really wedding per se.
Note – I got a “journalistic” photographer and all of the pictures turned out great, *except* I wish I had more portraits of me/DH that were close-up – all the close-ups turned out weird. Also the posed pics with the bridal party were weird – wish I had looked up ways to do those better/more informally.
Region – rural Northeast, 120 people, 25K (10 years ago).
Favorite memory – all of it! Truly a magical day. :)
Diana Barry
Oh, and the wedding was at an inn and we made guest bags for everyone with maps (there is no cell service there), local snacks, guest ‘brochure’ with things to do, etc. Everyone LOVED them. I bought everything in bulk and then we spent Thursday afternoon with both sets of parents stuffing bags, which was really fun.
Recently married
Splurge: The venue ($3,500 for the whole day, and only included parking and tables). I am so happy we did that. I really wanted to have our wedding at a historic home, rather than a hotel or country club. I found the perfect place an hour away from our house, and it was amazing. Our wedding was outside under a beautiful oak tree with Spanish moss hanging down, and our reception was held inside the beautiful mansion (complete with an amazing library, historic detailing, several fireplaces, and original wood floors).
Stressed: The rehearsal dinner. We didn’t have a bridal party, but we wanted to include our parents, siblings and their significant others, and our frendors (flutist and officiant) and their spouses (around 20 people). Our budget was around $800, including tip, and we wanted to have wine, a 3-course meal, and sit in a private dining room. I searched for months, but couldn’t find a place that fit all of our criteria. One month before the wedding, I told my husband that he had to handle it or we would just be having people over to our house for a pizza party. He found a place that fit almost all of our criteria (no private dining room and slightly more expensive than we wanted), but was amazing. It was a hole-in-the-wall Italian restaurant in an artsy part of town, and the owner was so kind to us. There was even a jazz singer who sang during the dinner and invited DH and me to dance to “At Last.” Then, there was an opera singer who stopped by and sang us a few songs (as part of a pitch to see him perform live). All of it was just so so special.
Favorite memory: Our first look. The whole day was a whirlwind, yet in that moment, it was just the two of us thinking only about each other and this wonderful journey we were about to embark on. It was so emotionally-charged and yet so peaceful.
Region: west-central Florida
Guest count: 68
Cost: $20k (excluding our $6k honeymoon)
JEB
Virginia wedding, approximately 75 guests, around $15,000 (soooo proud of that, by the way!).
I think a great photographer is always worth the splurge. We ended up paying our photographer to travel up from Florida because we worked with her before, loved her style, and she made us feel very comfortable. As someone who hates being in pictures, the comfort factor was huge. I still love looking at our photos. We also splurged, in a sense, to pay for our officiant’s travel from another state. Again, I had known him most of my life, and it was well worth it.
I was so stressed about staying within our budget that we didn’t hire a videographer. I don’t necessarily regret not having a professional video, but I can’t believe I didn’t just ask someone to take a video with their phone or personal camcorder. So much regret!! I also regret not spending a little more on music…our DJ was terrible, and a band would have been so much more fun.
My favorite memory was the experience of having my favorite people all together in one place. Also, we took all of our photos before the ceremony, and the private “first look” moment (just us and the photographer) was a moment I will always cherish.
Anon
What is one thing you splurged on and are really happy that you did?
Spend money on the photographer and make sure to explain the types of shots you want. We did spend money, but really only got one great photo of the two of us. (And admittedly, that one photo is fabulous. A couple years after the wedding, you’ll only have one photo on display and only want to flip through maybe 20 pics in an album, so it’s not like you need 2,000 works of art from your photographer.)
I’d also really recommend seeing your groom before the ceremony and getting those photographs. I didn’t and was so nervous walking down the aisle, I couldn’t make eye contact with him.
What is one thing you stressed and stressed over and, in retrospect, it wasn’t that important?
I wish we hadn’t culled the guest list so far down. It’s a party. It’s a life celebration. If your future mother-in-law wants to invite the bridge club, let her. Yes, it works out to $X per person, but having them there and having peace with your in-laws means so much more in the grand scheme of life. And you never know in life when you might need that woman from the bridge club, and here you’ve gone and ruffled her feathers by not inviting her.
What is your favorite memory from your wedding day?
The food was really good. (I’m not a gushy romantic type lol.)
Region, guest count, approx. cost.
Deep South, 2006, 125 people. We got married at noon, had lunch at a marvelous historic restaurant, sent people back to their hotel rooms to relax/sightsee for a couple hours, then continued the party with dinner and fireworks at another venue. I wore a Lazaro gown. Total cost: $10k. (Yeah, that’s some kind of budget savvy wedding record lol.)
Anon
Based on the comments above, I feel bad for saying we had a break between lunch and dinner where guests were on their own haha. My family lives all across the country and only sees each other at weddings and funerals, so they used the time to catch up, and the historic town we got married in had lots of sweet boutiques for an afternoon stroll.
HSAL
It sounds like yours wasn’t quite so bad if you provided lunch before the evening reception.
anon bride
This sounds amazing! If you’re willing to share, I would be so curious to know how you pulled it off for $10k. I’m trying to do the same for a Friday restaurant reception and Saturday morning brunch, and I’m feeling pretty unsure of how to stay within budget while still being a gracious hostess — everyone but my parents will be coming from out of town. You’re my wedding budget hero.
Anon
Goodness, thank you. Well, it was 2006 in the deep south, so I don’t know that I did things that were particularly budget-friendly, so much as that’s what I was graced with by our location. I think I just did the normal cost-savings things that magazines have been repeating for ages.
We didn’t pay a venue cost for the lunch reception since it was a restaurant. I made smart food choices – spending money on the entrees I knew people would be impressed with and saving some with cheaper sides. We did open beer and wine, no liquor. I shopped around to find a pretty inexpensive cake – maybe $275? I just didn’t care that much about that. My mother-in-law made the groom’s cake. We had a jazz quartet of retired gentlemen for $400? I didn’t decorate the venue because it was so beautiful it didn’t need it. I didn’t choose specialty linens – we just used their house linens.
The florist was $1100? for everything. She reused arrangements from the church at the reception (across the street from each other). She had a very organic style that’s in style now but was pretty uncommon in 2006 when wedding flowers were super structured. I let her use whatever flowers and natural elements she wanted that fit my general theme, which really saved costs – she was able to buy whatever was cheap at the market that struck her fancy. (I simply said “jewel tones with natural elements.”) There were artichokes and pomegranates in my centerpieces! :) She was also able to use leftovers from other events she had done that week because I wasn’t super rigid with a color scheme. The flowers were probably my favorite part of my wedding.
The evening reception was at a relative’s house out in the country with beautiful oak trees with twinkle lights in them. Dinner that night was fried chicken on paper plates at picnic tables, so definitely nothing like the cost of a sit-down. A relative did the fireworks. Wine came from a local vineyard.
My dress was a like-new sample, and I got it for half off. The invitations were from one of those big national lines that you used to go to the stationery store and look at books for. They were thermographed (do brides even send those out anymore or is everything custom letterpressed by elves fed an organic diet?) and I stalked various websites until I found who had it cheapest. I dressed them up by tying a really stunning ribbon from Hobby Lobby around them.
Oh! I made my own veils! SO, SO EASY! My extent of sewing skills consists of sewing a button on, but if you can do that, you can make a veil. Go to Hobby Lobby, buy tulle, buy a plastic comb, and whipstitch the tulle onto the comb. The end! I used a Simplicity pattern to cut the end of the tulle in the right oval shape. I had a very long veil, past the end of my train, and no one had any idea I made it for $15 at Hobby Lobby. (I also made a short one for the reception.)
I’m sure you’ll have a lovely wedding :)
Wedding advice
1) These responses are lovely – thank you to all for taking the time to share!
2) This made me laugh out loud – “(do brides even send those out anymore or is everything custom letterpressed by elves fed an organic diet?)”. HAHAHA so true.
Meg Murry
Another +1 to giving a florist you trust free range within a vague color scheme and telling them to make it pretty and to use what is in season. I know a lot of people say “don’t worry about the flowers, no one ever remembers them” – but that is one of the things that people still comment on from my wedding, because ours were gorgeous. I showed our florist a picture from a magazine where it was very natural and looked like flowers that grew in someone’s backyard and told her “mostly bright colors but not Gerbera daisies, mostly pinks and purples but other colors are ok too, make it look like you made bouquets out of a really nice local garden, not round balls of roses or tulips (which was the thing at the time when I was married)” It turned out great and I was super happy.
My other major advice is to try to get vendors that are familiar with your venue and preferably each other. We used all vendors from our hometown, which was also where the reception was, and we were able to say “Florist, please give flowers to Barb the cake lady for the top, and talk to Stephanie at the reception hall about when to setup” and they said “oh, yeah, we know Barb and Stephanie, no problem” and we didn’t have to act as go betweens for all those arrangements. Will it save you money? Maybe, maybe not. But it certainly saved us stress knowing that the florist, bakery and reception were all within a mile of each other and there would be no issues with getting things from Point A to Point B.
KC
I totally agree just to invite everyone. It really was the more the merrier. My MIL wanted to invite some really extended relatives and we put the kebash on it to save money, but really, it wouldn’t have made that much of a difference.
anon
We didn’t really splurge on any one particular thing. I would have preferred to elope, and to me the whole idea of having a wedding was a splurge.
Favorite parts: The service itself, including the very thoughtful and personalized sermon our pastor gave. Renting a fancy convertible instead of hiring a limo/town car. Sneaking out alone to one of our favorite places between the ceremony and reception. Allowing friends to bring children to the wedding and reception.
Regrets: Not insisting on hiring a better photographer and DJ (husband was happy with the first ones we found and I did not want to create conflict). If we had gotten married in the age of the iPod, we would probably have been better off without a DJ. Buying a designer sample dress several sizes too big and having it altered to “fit.” I would have looked better and been more comfortable in a less expensive dress in the correct size. Having the rehearsal dinner at the hotel instead of at a cool restaurant. Allowing a family member of my husband’s to bring a significant other who we knew would misbehave. Having the bridesmaids wear matching dresses instead of choosing their own. Not doing trial makeup ahead of time.
anony
Based on the “cheap” weddings that cost upwards of $10K, I’m happy my daughter wants to elope.
Clementine
What is one thing you splurged on and are really happy that you did? We splurged on our location (gorgeous historic building in an amazing place) and on having an open bar. They were both totally worth it. The building we had our reception in was so beautiful it needed very minimal decorations.
What is one thing you stressed and stressed over and, in retrospect, it wasn’t that important? What our parents were going to wear. My mother and MIL drove me CRAZY. We were trying to have a nicer (think cocktail formal) wedding and the two of them started on this spiral where at one point, no one would spend more than 25 dollars on a dress. When I suggested my mother get a pair of dressy flats or low wedges and somehow NOT wear her Dansko clogs to the wedding, she told everyone I was demanding she wear stilettos. My FIL was also all frustrated when we asked him to wear a suit and not a tux because he’d given all his suits away (really? you didn’t keep one after you retired? you never ever were going to need one again?) and had assumed he was just renting a tux. AHHHHH. Shockingly, my father who I generally don’t have much of a relationship with just sent me a picture and said ‘would you prefer I wear a blue or yellow tie’.
(Haha- reading back through this- just let them wear whatever. You won’t care and it will just be funny later.)
What is your favorite memory from your wedding day? At the end of the wedding, my husband and I had snuck away to another room and were just dancing to a song that came on. Nobody else was there. Our (AMAZING) photog caught that moment and I now have this photo to remember this moment. Also, if anyone wants the name of an incredible photographer who is now in the Bay Area, let me know! She’s incredible and probably still a bargain for what you get.
Region, guest count, approx. cost. Northeast, within the last couple years, 75 people, $15k (including rings, not including honeymoon.)
Unsolicited advice: Skip the things that don’t matter to you. We didn’t have a limo at all, chose to just go with the mid-range liquor not top shelf (still good stuff though!), didn’t stress about a signature cocktail or Pinterest -worthy favors. It was much better like that.
Pay for a good photographer and a skilled hair/makeup artist. I am very good at doing my own makeup, but the makeup artist knew exactly how to do my hair for pictures. I had my hair/makeup trial done on the day of my engagement photo shoot and it was an excellent decision- I knew exactly how it photographed and held up.
Anon
We got married in Maryland on the Bay with about 100 guests. Not a huge planner, so I chose somewhere that I did not have to do much for. The only person I really looked into was the photographer.
Splurge – Picking a venue that was all in one. Catering, ceremony, reception. Made it SO easy, we just had to pick a florist, cake, photographer, and DJ (three of which were just recommended to us). Also, the photographer. We paid for her, even picked our wedding date around her availability and we are so happy we did. The pictures were phenomenal.
Favorite Part – Having our ceremony overlooking the bay. And how easy everything was. OH and because I did not care about the flowers, I told the florist to just make everything as colorful as possible and to be creative. I think we got a steal of a deal out of this because she really went to town and we did NOT pay for that nice of arrangements. I would have never picked such nice arrangements.
Regrets – Being in a place that was far away from the closest town (Annapolis). A lot of people did not stay at the receptions hotel so they complained that Annapolis was 40 minutes away
Anonymous
Can I ask what your venue was? I’m starting to look at venues now and I’m getting married in the same location. Thanks!
Anon
Herrington on the Bay, and it was AMAZING.
TXLawyer
Splurge: Photography. And I’m SO glad we did. Our photos are *gorgeous*, we paid for extra time so that we could get photos done with every guest, and I had photo books made for family members. Every guest got photos with their thank you cards, and I think it was appreciated. Our photographer also took photos of all our guests individually and as couples so people have beautiful professional photos of themselves as well!
Stress: Ceremony music. I seriously have no memory whatsoever of what songs played or when. Also, my wedding dress. I know it’s crazy, but I spent so much on my wedding dress, alterations, rush fees, etc (as a proportion of my overall budget) and I didn’t even really *love* the dress. And now it’s just taking up closet space.
Favorite Memory: (so cheesy but…) the moment my husband teared up while reciting vows. Still makes my heart flutter!
Region: Texas
Guest County: < 30
Approx. Cost: $10,000
TXLawyer
Splurge: Photography. And I’m SO glad we did. Our photos are *gorgeous*, we paid for extra time so that we could get photos done with every guest, and I had photo books made for family members. Every guest got photos with their thank you cards, and I think it was appreciated. Our photographer also took photos of all our guests individually and as couples so people have beautiful professional photos of themselves as well!
Stress: Ceremony music. I seriously have no memory whatsoever of what songs played or when. Also, my wedding dress. I know it’s crazy, but I spent so much on my wedding dress, alterations, rush fees, etc (as a proportion of my overall budget) and I didn’t even really *love* the dress. And now it’s just taking up closet space.
Favorite Memory: (so cheesy but…) the moment my husband teared up while reciting vows. Still makes my heart flutter!
Region: Texas
Guest County: < 30
Approx. Cost: $10,000
SC
My favorite splurge was our band. They were amazing, and everyone had a great time.
This wasn’t a “save” for me personally, but I found bridesmaids’ dresses that were good enough from David’s Bridal for about $110 (5 years ago). I hate having to spend $250-300 on bridesmaids’ dresses, and I think it’s an egocentric myth to believe that your bridesmaids’ dresses are the exception and look great on everybody, and all your bridesmaids really will want to wear them again. So, if you’re going to have a big wedding party, either let them pick their own dress, and be flexible about shades, or do everyone a favor and pick something inexpensive.
I didn’t stress over any specific aspect of the wedding, but I regret some of the fights I had with my mom and (now) husband. Wedding planning should be fun, but it also brings up so many feelings. So my advice is to acknowledge/find the real feelings and deal with them maturely. In my case, my feelings were hurt because I would put effort into coming up with ideas, and I felt like my mom or DH “vetoed” them with dismissive comments, but I wasn’t actually attached to the ideas themselves. But I also could have handled my hurt feelings better.
My favorite memory from my wedding was all the dancing with our friends and family :-)
I wish we had done a “first look.” They weren’t as popular when we got married, but it would have given us more time for our own photos, which ended up being a little rushed, and either more time for family/group photos after the ceremony or more time at the reception.
Florida, 150 people, about $100k.
2 Cents
My bridesmaids had David’s Bridal dresses too. Gave them the color options, but they got to pick the style — and they weren’t more than $100 5 years ago, if I recall.
This was after one friend had me spend $350+ on a green gown that met the dress graveyard soon after (ugh).
KC
splurged: String quartet for the outdoor ceremony and cocktail hour. We had them play modern songs (i.e. coldplay, bruno mars, adele, etc…), not classical music, and it made the ambience so neat (for us, and for guests).
Stressed: Transportation from the hotel. Our hotel provided a “shuttle” which was really like for 10 people. I should’ve just booked a bus.
Favorite memory: My sister’s speech which was surprisingly emotional and touching. The look on DH’s face when I got to the end of the aisle. DH and I dancing in a circle of our friends.
Central Pennsylvania, 140 guests, $23K. Traditional country club wedding.
DC Anon
What is one thing you splurged on and are really happy that you did?
I splurged on making sure as many of my people could be there as possible (despite financial constraints) — I arranged and paid for lodging for several family members and a few close friends who would not have otherwise been able to afford to come. I also splurged on a full open bar that opened up as soon as people arrived, so there was effectively a pre-ceremony cocktail hour.
I skipped a lot of other costs to make those two things possible and I am so glad I did (no flowers, welcome bags, favors; no bridal party; wore an evening gown instead of a traditional wedding dress; inexpensive wedding rings; did email save-the-dates and simple hard copy invitations only to older family members who care about that sort of thing; no limo or special car; did my own hair and my sister did my makeup; didn’t buy new shoes for the wedding).
What is one thing you stressed and stressed over and, in retrospect, it wasn’t that important?
I was stressed over writing the ceremony and put it off until a few days before the wedding (my husband is not sentimental in the slightest and left the initial drafting to me). It was very short and turned out lovely and there was something both terrifying and wonderful to have everyone we love watching us say our vows. Other than that, wedding planning was almost entirely stress-free (this was by design; see unsolicited advice below).
What is your favorite memory from your wedding day?
Being surrounded by all of our favorite people from all of these different phases of our lives. It’s seriously magical.
Unsolicited advice for a stress-free planning process: If you don’t LOVE crafting/DIY or spending time on pinterest-y details, don’t bother (no one will notice). I skipped pretty much anything that involved making things or doing finicky peripheral stuff or just putting effort in that I didn’t think was warranted. E.g., I just bought table numbers on Amazon instead of crafting them (probably cost the same or less as buying materials), and I paid a little extra for the fancy tent lights instead of bothering with any actual decorations. If you’re into the details, then it makes sense to spend time on them for your own enjoyment, but I’ve realized over the years from watching other friends plan weddings that the details will disproportionately cost you both in money, stress, and time, and really no one else at your wedding will care (aside from maybe other people who are also wedding planning).
Married in Vermont, 130 people, approx $15k.
Sally
Not a splurge, but was well worth it: open bar and passed food trays during a cocktail hour while wedding party took photos. I hate the awkward pause where you have to find something to do for a couple hours while the wedding party takes photos. I find it so rude, so I made sure my guests were fed, watered and had a comfortable place to sit and hang out.
Sally
Also – decreased stress by no favors, rather a donation to an amazing charity. No DIY stuff – most people don’t notice and I couldn’t really care. And letting others help. I didn’t have a huge plan for my ideal wedding, so it made it easier to allow other people to ‘own’ bits of it that mattered to them
lawsuited
We splurged on nothing, and I sort of wish I’d spent more on a dress I loved. It was the right decision at the time because I was still in law school and we were cash-strapped, but I do sometimes feel wedding-dress-envy when I see my friends in more beautiful dresses that they can afford now that we’re more established.
2 Cents
Splurges:
–Saturday night reception. (Didn’t want the weekday/Friday night hassle, and didn’t want to start my day at 5 a.m. to rush to get everything done.)
–Photography — The guy I had was expensive, but I should have upped more $$ to have a photog friend who’s a professional, since my photo albums took 18 months to produce (too small a venture + lack of funds on the photog’s end)
Saved:
–Bought $300 gown from David’s Bridal
–No favors at the reception — instead offered bowls of candy in our wedding colors. (Every favor I’ve ever gotten has either been food or thrown out when I got home. Wine I’ve received has always been gross.)
–No limo — we drove ourselves from the church to the reception and saved $400-$800.
–Had a small-er sized wedding party (3 bridesmaids and 4 groomsmen). If I did it again, it’d be 1 and 1.
Stressed:
–How all of my out of town guests would get from the hotel to the ceremony to the reception. Turns out that adults can figure it out for themselves if provided local phone numbers / other guests-with-cars’ phone numbers.
–Order of the reception. Tried to micromanage ahead of time what would happen (darn Type A) instead of just giving a basic outline.
Best memories:
–The hubs crying (for joy, he assures me) as I walked down the aisle. Once I was walking with my dad, all worries went away because the moment had arrived.
–At the reception, visiting briefly with everyone there. 80 people = at least a short conversation with everyone.
80 people / NYC metro / $25K budget (but only spent $20K)
Recent Bridge
What is one thing you splurged on and are really happy that you did? Our ceremony & reception venue, a winery in Sonoma. It was a total splurge (literally, we paid 5 figures just to USE the property – nothing else was included), but it absolutely MADE our wedding. Guests told me after the fact that it was one of the most beautiful venues they’d ever seen, and because it was so naturally pretty, we saved a lot on flowers and other decor items. Also, a videographer. I booked our videographer towards the end of the planning process & I’m so glad I did – we’ve watched our short “highlight film” a ton. It perfectly captures some of the most wonderful elements of our wedding day in a way that photos can’t quite compete with.
What is one thing you stressed and stressed over and, in retrospect, it wasn’t that important? Groomsmen attire, oddly enough. We let our bridal party guys all wear their own tuxes and I was so worried it would look “off”, but at the end of the day, it was totally fine and the guys looked awesome because their suits actually fit them, versus a rental.
What is your favorite memory from your wedding day?
-My husband & I spent the night before our wedding together. The morning of our wedding, I was so anxious and keyed up, waiting for the bridal party and hair & makeup team to arrive. He stayed with me and we sat together on the couch in our hotel room and he rubbed my back and talked me through everything to calm me down (I wasn’t worried about getting married, more about the logistics of the day getting screwed up). It really helped and it was so nice to have that peace & quiet together before the day officially got started. It also totally reminded me why I was marrying him. :)
-Our “first look”; it took all of my nerves away once I saw him! It was so nice to have a private moment to take in being “bride and groom” without a ton of spectators.
-Sitting at our sweetheart table with my husband during dinner and looking out at our reception in full swing, everyone laughing and eating and having fun, and feeling so happy just to be married and that everything was going so well and our guests were having a good time.
-Dancing with so many people from different parts of our lives all together on the dance floor; you just feel so loved that so many people came to celebrate with you. So many of our friends who had never met each other ended up really hitting it off and have stayed in touch after the wedding, which I think is so cool.
Recent Bride
Oh, also – Northern CA/65 guests/$60k (not including rings & honeymoon – eek!). Sometimes I still can’t believe we spent that much, but I also look back on our wedding and wouldn’t change a thing, so that helps with the sticker shock.
Anonymous
splurge — a dessert my spouse still talks about to this day, in addition to our cake (which was baked by a friend), and a live klezmer band.
stressed — venue for the reception. I was very stressed about it and finally found the *perfect* one, but ultimately had to switch at the last minute for reasons totally out of anyone’s control.. Guess what? new, not-very-exciting venue was totally fine.
favorite memory — klezmer band!!
this was in the northwest, about 110 guests, about $15k.
Anonymous
PNW, ~70 ppl, ~$10k (in 2008)
Splurge: The live band. My hair and make up (not a huge splurge, but I considered DIY to cut costs and so glad I didn’t).
Stressed: Wow, I stressed about everything…. I’d say “Details.” The little things that get onto wedding website collages. I did some, didn’t do others. Don’t care now.
Memory: (1) Having a quiet breakfast at home with the groom before the craziness. (2) At the end of the night, I turned the corner and found my MOH, brother’s wife, and new MIL nibbling the last little pieces of cake off the board with their fingers. Haha.
SoCalAtty
Southern California (Malibu), 180 guests, ~$40k (2007)
Splurge: Live music. A string quartet for the ceremony, great band for the reception. It wasn’t THAT horribly expensive – maybe $1200 for the strings and $3000 for the band – but live music just made it amazing.
I can’t think of anything I really stressed over.
Favorite memory: The number of people that came to us after and told us it was the best wedding they had ever been to (and the number of “hookups” we heard about after – that was pretty hilarious too)! I worked REALLY hard to make it a fun time. We had appetizers / drinks for guests upon arrival, and during the break between ceremony and dinner. We wanted the ceremony short, and I think it was 15-20 minutes, and then on to the live music and dinner and party! We had a non-traditional cake, which was tiers of cake with different flavors and local berries on top which tasted amazing.
I really tried to plan this from the perspective of our guests. Would they be comfortable? Fun? Starving to death? And that really helped.
newlywed in Chicago
Splurges:
– Actually inviting people to the ceremony and having a reception with approximately 65 people; more than half the guests were close family. We had discussed having a courthouse ceremony or eloping. We chose a restaurant that had a private room, so there was no venue cost, only a cost per head which included food, unlimited liquor, servers, bartender and cake. The ceremony was also in the same room, as was the cocktail hour before dinner and the dancing afterwards. We chose an Italian restaurant that we liked, and chose mostly hand-made pasta entries and a chicken dish with a lot of veggies sides. We both preferred these options taste-wise rather than the more traditional banquet-type entrees. The bonus was that the pasta also had a much lower cost per person than the beef and other meat/seafood entrees. The total for the reception was around $5k.
We also splurged on flowers for table centerpieces, which I would have just skipped entirely, but flowers were important to my husband. Cost was under $400.
We had a photographer. Cost was about $400, which included her time at the wedding and a dvd with low res digital photos. Any prints we order will be extra.
Saved on: everything else. Invitations on vistaprint with online rsvps. Did our own playlist on an ipod and bought a nice portable speaker to play it on (which we’ll use afterwards for parties in our backyard). We both bought new clothes and shoes, and I wore a cocktail dress (which I’ll wear again) rather than a wedding gown. My husband bought a new suit, which he’ll also wear again. No favors, no cake topper, no videographer, no veil or special jewelry, no professional makeup or hair, no limos or party busses b/c everything was in the same location, no rehearsal dinner because there was no rehearsal. No toasts or speeches, no wedding party, no walking down the aisle, no music during the ceremony, no showers or bachelorette parties. We didn’t opt for any extras offered by the venue such as champagne toasts, a chocolate fountain, a coffee bar, or dessert table.
Memorable parts:
– Our civil ceremony was performed by a close friend and written by me, so it was 100% tailored to us and very short. It was about the length of a courthouse ceremony, but more personal.
– We kept our guest list limited because we wanted to have only close family and friends with us. We both knew every single person at the wedding and they’re all people we regularly enjoy spending time with.
-We picked a restaurant that served good food and chose items from their regular menu for our dinner rather than from their banquet menu, so I enjoyed dinner, and we got a lot of unsolicited compliments from our guests on the food and venue.
-We had a cocktail hour before the ceremony. We planned this so people would be less likely to arrive late and completely miss our 5-minute ceremony (although a few people were late to the ceremony anyway), but the unexpected benefit was that we were mingling during everybody’s staggered arrivals, so we had plenty of time to speak with each of the guests as they trickled in.
-The wedding only took up Saturday evening, so we had the rest of the weekend open to spend time with family and friends visiting from out of town. My husband and I also had a few hours to ourselves at home Saturday afternoon to relax and get ready before heading to the venue for the wedding.
Bride
I’m fascinated by all this info. I’m 2 months away from my wedding, which will be in Long Island, about 225 guests. All in, its probably costing 80k-100k, and we made cost saving decisions. It’s at a boutique hotel on the island (not even NYC), band was a splurge (Hank Lane – 15k), photographer was I think 8k (and not one of the fanciest around), dress was under 3k (by accident – I was prepared to spend more actually but that’s just what I found), invitations are average but from a stationer, not online, what else… We got a photobook for 1200… Hmm… The venue itself (ceremony, reception, food, drink, cake) is close to 50k. I swear I’m not spoiled and I have sense of money. My parents are paying the largest chunk, then groom’s parents, then us. But other than I suppose the band, where there were admittedly options closer to 8-10K, I’m not sure we went top-of-the line on anything else, but it still added up that fast.
Bride
*photobooth for 1200
LondonLeisureYear
I think is just the location. Our wedding in the midwest will be a 4 day event for under 50,000 with 270 invited guests. We have our photographer all weekend, we are serving food five times (at the bowling alley pub, kiddush lunch, apple orchard snacks, wedding, and goodbye brunch) (+ rehearsal dinner for those invited), two of the events are open bar, we are paying for all of our guests to go bowling and to an apple orchard, we have shuttles to take them everywhere during the weekend. Granted we choose no band and went with a dj instead and no cake, but we will have a dessert bar. We have a full wedding planner that knows all the choices and vendors and has been able to get us some deals, but a lot of it just is because its in the Midwest. If we had tried to throw this same wedding in the Bay Area – another of our choices – it would have cost 4 times this.
Recent Bride
I think this is definitely a location thing. We spent $60k on our recent Napa Valley for wedding for 65 guests and while I recognize that is a lot of money for a wedding, we definitely didn’t have some sort of ~wedding extravaganza~. We splurged on our venue ($12.5k) and had a string quartet for our ceremony & cocktail reception (which was a lovely but totally unnecessary $1,200), but my dress was under $2500 with alterations, we didn’t do favors or a photobooth (though we ended up giving away extra bottles of wine at the end of the night and people thought that was the coolest favor of all time!), we had a DJ instead of a band, etc. I think that’s just the nature of the beast when you get married in a major MSA or a popular wedding locale like Napa. We had to up our initial budget by $10k simply to have something that resembled the wedding we wanted to throw for our guests.
The cool yet very expensive thing was my husband & I paid for it entirely by ourselves, which is something I’m a little proud of. Throwing our own fabulous wedding made us both feel a little bit like we’d “made it” career-wise.
Ellen
Yay! I love Ann Taylor and this sheathe dress!
As for the OP, you should ONLEY get married once, so don’t be cheep. Make Dad Pay! Have everyone there, do NOT go for the cheep food alternative, have top shelf liquor, and a great honeymoon at a 5 star hotel overlooking something nicer then Raritan, NJ, where Rosa got married and dad got a deal. FOOEY!
Tech problems
OMG, why is Corporette the only site that I visit regularly that has such terrible and persistent tech issues?
My browser alternates between freezing and crashing (IE). I can’t use a different browser while at work.
Kat, please get new tech people. I’ve been a reader/commenter for 5 years and this has NEVER been so bad as it has recently!!!
another autoplay ad
… this one announced, “Dance freely!” over the white noise I turn on to drown out coworkers. Are others still having this issue? This is two days in a row for me.
mascot
Work-around for Chrome users- The AdBlockPlus extension does a good job on blocking these.
But yes, it’s still annoying.
mascot
see also the tech update from last week https://corporette.com/2015/08/10/tech-update/
Anonymous
For me it’s actually a user issue- if I try to scroll down or hit expand/collapse comments before the page fully loads, it kinda jumps and I accidentally press play
Brit
I was getting a lot this morning that was the Larry the Cable Guy heartburn ad. That was enjoyable…
Virtual Secretary
Has anyone used a virtual secretary or some similar service and can comment on your experience? Cost/pros/cons/other thoughts… Need something to keep track of calls and messages for a growing practice and not quite ready to hire an actual secretary yet.
KateMiddletown
i can only think of the virtual secretary in the book “Where’d You Go, Bernadette.” freaky!
Annie
That’s exactly what I thought!
MJ
Longtime reader here. Kat actually did a post on this a long time ago and recommended Replacemyself DOT com. I am sure you can find the post via the goog. Good luck! Exciting your practice is growing.
Virtual Secretary
Thanks! I don’t recall the post but probably because I had no use for it at the time. I’ll check it out.
Federal Employee Q
I’m a federal employee with FEHB coverage. I want to get on my husband’s plan (he’s a county employee) for various reasons. But I also want to drop my FEHB coverage asap so I’m not paying double for the next few months until open enrollment. I know I need a qualifying life event to do that. Looking at the opm website, one example of a qle is “Enrolled employee . . . gains coverage under FEHB or another group insurance plan, including the following: [none of which apply to my situation].” I read that to be a non-exclusive list, and since I’m gaining coverage under “another group insurance plan” that would constitute a qle. HR has already told me I’ll need to wait until open enrollment to drop my benefits, which would end up costing me an extra $500 ish. I’m just wondering how hard to push back; have any of you had any success dropping your benefits under this same scenario?? Thanks!
Anonymous
Is the coverage under your H’s plan newly available? If he didn’t just start, and it’s not HIS open enrollment, then I would agree with your HR that you need to wait until YOUR open enrollment to not re-enroll for your coverage and go on his.
Federal Employee Q
Thanks for your response. H’s plan is not newly available to him–he’s had coverage there for two years. However, it is his open enrollment period right now, which is why I am able to get on his right now. Soo… he didn’t just start, but it is his open enrollment–what do you think now? :) Thanks!
Blonde Lawyer
If your husband just gained access to coverage that you could join it would be a qualifying life event but not otherwise (I think). One thing to consider. If you are near retirement you want to stay on your plan so that you have gov’t health benefits in retirement. He might need to be on your plan too for him to have the same benefit. I don’t remember how many years pre-retirement you need to elect the benefit to qualify.
hoola hoopa
Are we seriously looking at a $170 acetate dress? Acetate??
It looks like lovely lines, but come on AT.
Resume question
BF completed the requirements for his degree and walked at graduation in the spring, but had an incomplete on a class project that wasn’t finished until this summer. He’s since completed it and received a grade and graduated with honors. But, he won’t receive his actual diploma until September.
Will it look weird to have something like:
B.A. in Mathematics (expected September 2015)
-Summa Cum Laude
Should he leave out the expected? Leave off the month? Say “Degree conferral date September 2015”? Something else?
SFBayA
Just say 2015. I didn’t graduate in June and my resume indicates only the year, not the month. He has now graduated. When the piece of paper that is the diploma actually arrives is irrelevant.
hoola hoopa
Do you mean he won’t receive the actual paper? Because it sounds like he graduated. If someone called the registrar, would they say that he had graduated?
If he’s just waiting on the paper but has graduated in the system, then:
B.A. in Mathematics (August 2015)
-Summa Cum Laude
If he has to wait until the end of the Summer term before he has officially graduated, then what you have shown is correct and will be understood.
New Anon
If he’s officially graduated now, there’s a good chance his diploma will say “August [or July or whatever] 2015”. My June-issued diploma specifies November [year] as my grad date, as I’d completed requirements and was considered to be a graduate at that point. The school simply did diploma presentation once per year.
Anonymous
Are you talking about the actual piece of paper? That seems irrelevant to me. I’d ask the university whether they consider him a spring or summer grad, and go with whatever the month for the applicable graduation is.