Coffee Break: Stone Huggie Hoop
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These earrings are best sellers at Anthropologie, and they're on sale. I always like colorful earrings to bring a bit of color to my face, and there are a bunch of nice colors to choose from here: lavender (pictured here), coral (pictured on the home page), lime, turquoise, pink, “dark turquoise,” as well as options like “pearl” and “clear.”
The earrings were $48 but are now marked to $35.
Sales of note for 3/15/25:
- Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off
- Ann Taylor – 40% off everything + free shipping
- Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles + extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – Extra 30% off women's styles + spring break styles on sale
- J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off 3 styles + 50% off clearance
- M.M.LaFleur – Friends and family sale, 20% off with code; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 40% off 1 item + 30% off everything else (includes markdowns, already 25% off)
My excellent sun protection but modest LE swim attire survived two in diapers and has lived long enough to see my kids into high school. It’s time for a refresh (and I guess I am tossing, as I cannot imagine anyone else wants used modest swim attires in mint condition). Where are flat chested 50YO pears finding great suits these days? I do wear a “rashguard” type top for sun protection. The modesty was for belonging to a pool with clients and co-workers and constantly bending and wrangling babies in the early years vs needing it for other reasons.
Summersalt’s The Sidestroke looks good on everybody if you’re willing to forego the rash guard while in the shade!
In my early 40s but I like Tommy Bahama tankinis – enough structure to be supportive, but not so much coverage they look like LE.
Boden always has cute swimsuits… if you want something with compression there’s MiracleSuit. I know one lady who swears by old navy swimsuits.
Boden has cute suits and also cute rashguards. But honestly I feel like if you’re Team Rashguard then Lands End is where it’s at.
Boden has worked well for me.
As a pear, Boden swim really didn’t work for me even though I like their tops and dresses. I tried on a few and got the best fitting one. It was the correct size but felt that there was just not enough fabric in the back and my bottoms kept sliding down in the back and hiking up in the front. The swim top at least had sewen in padding which was nice but the shoulders were too far apart for my slim torso even though the band size was correct. I don’t wear that suit anymore. The patterns were so pretty!
if you’re going to wear a rashguard top does it matter? i probably look absurd to some at our neighborhood pool with my kids with my rashguard style top and swim skirt (i’m in my late 30s) but i dont really care. it’s just so much easier than reapplying sunscreen.
Cabana Life has some cute prints. Some are carried by Talbots. You could also look at Nordstrom, Boden, JCrew, Macys, Gottex
I wear a rash guard over a bikini top with a pair of running shorts that I also use to run. I’m doing my best to avoid sun and limit how much sunscreen I have to put on. I do the bikini top underneath because it’s the best option for getting less hot under a full shirt. I honestly don’t care if people think it looks like too much clothing and isn’t sleek. It’s working for me.
A rashguard works best with a bikini underneath, one that doesn’t have bulky ties. I wear bikinis from Carve Designs and fitted rashguards from Roxy. I find that the “fashion” rashguards from non-surf swimsuit brands look frumpy and float up in the water.
OP here — this is helpful! I like a one-piece, but they are the jumpsuit of swimwear. I have a short torso, so tankinis don’t work well and the tops are too long. I’m also incompetent at applying sunscreen anywhere but my face and legs, so here we are.
+1, this is what I do as well.
I have trouble finding cute rashguards. Athleta and Carve Designs are what aI currently own. The Seea has some cute ones, but they’re always sold out.
Honey, yes, it’s time to toss the old swimwear. Elastic degrades over time, especially if you’ve been swimming in chlorine. Evan after 3 or 4 years, much less 15, that’s not mint condition. It may look OK ish dry but then you get thread bare spots or unsupportive cups and such as it gets wet or you stretch to put it on just one too many times.
Don’t ask me how I know.
Eek.
I’m your shape. I like Anne Cole; I noticed she has some rash guards. I also like Tommy Bahama and Gottex.
You all are always so great with travel advice. Starting to sketch out a 10-day itinerary in southern France (flying in & out of Nice to the US) and considering 3-4 nights in Corsica (2-3 full days) – goals being pretty scenery, food, some lounging & swimming, in between Provence and 1-2 nights in Nice on the way home. (We’ve already spent time in the Nice & surrounding towns on a prior trip – while the glam was fun we are looking for something lower-key this visit.)
Figuring that’s only enough time to see 1-2 towns in Corsica, (a) is it enough time to make the effort of getting there worth it, and (b) any fave base towns to recommend for a short stay?
Corsica is surprisingly big and the roads can be windy and mountainous, so in such a short time period, I would park yourself in one area. My husband is French and grew up going there, so we mostly have slow paced, relaxing vacations when we go there, but there is lots of hiking if you’re interested in that (warning, the hiking can be very intense). We generally stay near Porto Vecchio, but have also stayed in the north near Saint Florent. Both are great areas. The beaches in the south are more beautiful I think. If you decide on the south, definitely take a boat ride to see the cliffs near Bonifacio. It is spectacular!
Thank you! Just booked our air today after doing a gut check on our options :)
I was there doing the GR20 a few years ago and yes, driving could be a bit challenging. It took me a whole day from Ajaccio to Bastia with a few stops (plenty of little wild pigs on the road!). Next time I would take the train from Ajaccio to Bastia.
Then my advise for 2-3 days is to stay in the city where you are going to flight in out.
From Ajaccio: plenty to see in the city and several excursions (Scandola natural park, Piana Calanques and Bonifacio)
From Bastia: again plenty to see and o in the city and other excursions (Cap corse, Agriates or Corte)
From Calvi or Porto Vechio would be the same but I was not there.
In all the cases pretty villages around, beautiful beaches and lovely “sea & mountain”walks.
I haven’t been to Corsica (it’s on our list; my husband in particular really wants to go), but we really loved Mallorca, which is a similar flight time from Nice even though it’s not in France. The scenery was much prettier than I expected, and we really enjoyed the beaches and food. It’s pretty flat and easy to navigate in a car.
Hoping many of you can chime in – I work out regularly but all cardio usually walking or running. I’d like to add some strength training in as I’ve hit my 40s. IDK I just feel like looking at people older than me and especially senior citizens, those with some muscle have an easier time as age related issues creep up. IDK if this is scientifically true but it seems that way. I will probably engage a trainer at some point but my work schedule right now does now allow that until at least mid fall. So wanted to ask
If you were to buy one or two pieces of equipment for home, what would you get? With the caveat that I’m in an apartment so they can’t be huge. I am inclined to get a weight lifting bar weighing 10 to 15 pounds. Is it dumb to get that rather than just two dumbbells? I have used resistance bands over the years and while I know there’s lots of exercises out there, somehow I end up just step on it and working out biceps. I feel like some kind of free weight situation makes me more inclined to do squats, lift above my head etc.
Second are there health benefits of lifting even if you don’t end up developing visible muscle? IDK how much muscle I’d gain as that’s so dependent on protein, calories etc. But if the goal is just to be fitter, will lifting some weights help with that even if it isn’t visible gain?
Choose a program you find enjoyable and then buy the equipment that program uses. I like the Sweat app. There are also some good kettlebell workouts you can find on line. Women’s Health has one that is I think 6 exercises and you could start with just one kettlebell.
I think a set of dumbbells will be more versatile than a bar. You might start with a lower weight (like 5lbs) and then work your way up. And strength training has a lot of benefits as you age even if you don’t look ripped. It helps with bone health and balance. Youtube has a lot of good videos and I still love Jillian Michael’s 30-day Shred on DVD lol. She combines different exercises in a way that works for me.
agree that dumbbells are more versatile than a barbell. I think there are adjustable weight options for dumbbells as well, if it’s a space concern and you want that flexibility.
Yes, there are benefits at working to maintain the amount of muscle you have as you age. and it’s never too late to start, so do it! But it’s also a combo of protein consumption AND strength training. So you’ll want to be sure you are eating enough protein (whatever the source) to sustain the muscle mass you *have* and whatever new amounts you produce.
New Rules of Lifting (for women or not – the book will tell you its the same advice) is also a nice place to start for setting up a lifting routine and general advice on getting started, if you prefer book form/background on the whys.
I’d start with dumbbells, they’re more versatile and you’ll find more recommended exercises for at home workouts with dumbbells.
As for your second question, yes!! As you age, strength training is important for maintaining existing muscle mass so even if you don’t gain muscle, this is how you stop from losing it. Lifting also helps with bone density as you age. Strength training has been shown in studies to improve a variety of metabolic markers. It also helps with mobility as you age, decreases your risk of falls, and can help with balance. Some studies have shown that strength training also helps combat age related cognitive decline.
if your budget is up to $150-$200 i’d get adjustable barbells that go from 5-55.
very hard to gain muscle unless your macros are on point and you’re eating in a surplus. you’re mostly maintaining muscle by your 40s.
+1 – I love my Powerblocks, which are 3-24 lbs.
The other day someone recommended the book ROAR, the same author has a book called Next Level for menopausal women. Lots of great advice for diets, lifting programs, cardio, programming, etc. The author is Stacy Sims, PhD. I checked it out of the library and am just kind of skipping around in it right now — highly recommend.
I recommended “Roar”!
Thank you! I’m really glad you did.
:)
I use bands (long and mini) and dumbbells. I have a strap that goes around a door so that I can hook long bands in at various heights and thread a down through them for things like pull down exercises. If you want more, I’d get a bench. A barbell is nice but if you don’t have dumbbells, you want those first. If you want to follow along with videos, most of the will use dumbbells and bands, less commonly kettlebells or a medicine ball.
that should say “thread a dowel”
Yes, there are health benefits to lifting that have nothing to do with how visible your muscles are – especially as we age. Adjustable dumbbells and resistance bands are your best starter tools.
I’m in my mid-40s and realized recently that weightlifting is a preventative measure for me, not something that’s going to suddenly make me look hot.
To help muscle loss, if you start having perimenopausal symptoms, be proactive in talking to your doctors about hormone replacement.
I have a Gorilla Bow which is a resistance training method using a long metal rod and various bands. It’s a system that works together and is fairly compact. You can use it for all exercises from bicep curls to rows to hip thrusts and deadlifts. It’s pretty compact and doesn’t take up a tremendous amount of room but I feel it gives me a lot of variety in exercise. I subscribe to their exercise videos, but even without that it’s pretty handy.
Don’t discount the value of body weight exercises. You can also go to a nearby park and use their playground equipment as your equipment – certainly that’s easier if you do early in the morning. Exercises like pushups, bridges, squats can help build muscle. If you want to buy equipment, I would get a kettlebell and a set of dumbbells. You won’t spend as much as you’re willing to spend, so you can use that money later to buy heavier equipment.
From everything I’ve read, there is tremendous value in adding strength training at any age. It helps with bone and muscle masses as well as independent living. I would rather do all cardio all the time, but I force myself to lift weights because I know it’s good for me. DH and I live in a small condo and use dumbbells and bands.
I know this will vary, but just looking for anecdotes. For those who did pelvic therapy for painful s*x, how long did it take to start working? I have my third session this week and we are going to start getting into dilators. Had s*x with my boyfriend over the weekend and it just reminded me how badly I need this therapy.
I had improvement with stress-induced incontinence (from running hard) within about five or six sessions.
Don’t know about painful sex; husband was being such a jerk to me about the whole thing that intimacy never happened after that. (He’s a soon to be ex husband for a reason.)
I developed pain from sex after a difficult birth that wound up with an emergency C-section. After two manual sessions with the therapist maybe 6 weeks apart, 6 months with very inconsistent use with the dilators, and weaning, I am able to have sex pretty comfortably now. It’s still not as easy as it was, but it’s much much better. It is hard for me to know exactly how much came from my wishy washy commitment to using the dilators and how much was due to weaning. But I could definitely feel things improving as I moved through the sizes.
I had these “door knocker” earrings in the early-mid 80s in high school, in several colors/varieties. What goes around really does come around.
Totally.
Good afternoon! I’ve got an incredible opportunity to do a writing retreat for an entire week coming up soon. Have any of you done such a thing? Any wisdom or advice?
Oh I love a writing retreat. Clear the decks before you go. And figure out discreet goals and projects you want to focus on. Don’t sit all day, and don’t check email or social media while there.
I’m a political scientist, and ended up on a retreat with poets and novelists, which made the read aloud evening a bit awkward. “Here is why the Labour Parry struggles in Scotland…” but they all took it in good fun.
Jumping on the swimsuit question. I am a VERY busty sized 16 woman. I want a tankini with support or a two piece (that isn’t a bikini) with high waist bottoms. I need support but I want something two piece. any suggestions for brands? I keep seeing social media ads, but I have no idea on quality
Maybe Nani?
Bravissimo has suits with support for busty women. I’ve had them shipped to the U.S. They have great customer service for returns too.
+1 for Bravissimo. RIP to Figleaves, which also was great for the very busty.
In a similar vein, check out lingerie stores like Bare Necessities, Herroom, and Breakout Bras for bra-sized swimwear from lingerie brands like Freya, Panache, and Fantasie. Bra-sized suits are a game-changer if you are busty!
But beware, many don’t have matching bottoms in a good range of sizes. You may have to mix and match bottoms from other brands.
If you’re bigger than a g it may not work (although I feel like their styles have some wiggle room for me), but Knix has some cute swimsuits.
Swimsuits For All has a ton of styles – and you can buy tops and bottoms in different sizes, many of which are bra sized.
Look at the swimsuits for your cup size on bare necessities. Swimsuits are more expensive that way, but as a fellow large-b*sted woman, it’s a game changer!
I had good luck buying swimsuits by bra size through Bare Necessities.
Check out the Elomi swim system. Her Room has a lot of it. Basically you buy a swim bra & bottoms, then wear a tankini top over the bra. I’m a size 16 36/38G and just happened to go try on swimwear at a shopping center this weekend, which drove home how much I really need my bra sized swimwear.
Elomi, Freya, Panache and Fantasie are bra-sized options. Web sources include BareNeccessities and HerRoom. You may also be able to find some at Nordstrom or other department stores.
Bravissimo has tankinis in sizes from 28 up to 40 band and from D to the equivalent of a US Q-cup. (UK 40KK and 40L). High-waisted bottoms up to 4XL.
If you’re in say, the UK 34GG/36GG range, there are about 12 different tankinis, if you have bigger cups than UK H, there will be fewer.
Look for brands Fantasie, Freya, or Panache. Search for ‘bra-sized swimwear’. Bare Necessities has a good selection. I’ve also bought from Bravissimo. Order your bra size, not straight size for the tankini top (cup and band).
I’m about to start Dupixent for chronic severe eczema. Any tips or experiences to share?
It did wonders for me. I was eventually able to wean off it and now just get an occasional shot if symptoms reemerge.
What would you want to get for a milestone birthday? My husband wants to get me something special to remember the day and I am lost as to when do I even want.
Budget? Time constraints? Personally for my & DH’s milestones we skip gifts and pick a trip, whether a quick long weekend for a “regular” anniversary or more of a splurge for the big numbers.
oh and if you are more of a gift than experience person, I’d go with jewelry that’s as timeless as possible. I’ve worn my diamonds by the yard necklace for 20 years now (generous college grad gift!) and it has looked delicate-trendy with spaghetti strap tops, subtle elegant under work blouses, and floaty-pretty with nap dresses.
Either a trip or jewelry.
For a recent milestone birthday I gave my husband a big fancy party where his family and friends came from all over the country to spend time with him, since social time is what he values most. When I hit that age next year I have asked for a trip to learn a sport I’ve always wanted to do that my husband doesn’t care about.
Well, what do you like? I would ask for a Peloton Tread or a Woodway, but I run, so I don’t think that’s a universal desire!
Probably an unpopular opinion, but I would want some sort of home improvement. Nothing says “happy 50th” like being able to afford to remodel a bathroom or install new front doors or fix whatever else bugs you about your house.
lol I like this idea too. For one birthday my husband just put a bow around the old toilet and said “let’s fix up the bathroom” and it was awesome.
Thank you for suggestions. I think DH is currently focused on some type of luxury purchase like jewelry or watch. Trip
Is unfortunately not in the cards this summer due to schedules.
I would love to have a Breitling Superocean, an Omega Seamaster, or a Cartier Ballon Bleu.
Cartier Tank Watch? a pair of diamond stud earrings?
Oh, co-signing this if there is something you hate about your house. Updating our awful 1980s builder grade hollow doors to real wood doors makes me happy every time I walk around the house.
My husband and I went on a trip for my 40th. I enjoy celebrating with experiences. I don’t really appreciate expensive jewelry, and the stuff I do like spending money on–shoes, purses, nice sheets and towels–are fine in normal years but don’t really seem big or permanent enough to commemorate a milestone birthday.
Yeah I’m experiences > stuff. We normally do trips. I also like the idea of home improvement if a trip wasn’t in the cards.
What about fine art or a unique piece of furniture?
A trip, a play or concert, furniture, something else for the house. If I want to remember the day, though, I’d probably do something on that day, not buy a thing. If I were more of an extrovert, a big party could be fun, but I’m more of a nice dinner or weekend away with a few close friends person.
For me, always jewelry. There’s got to be something you have your eye on.
You always have the best book recommendations. Recent faves for historical fiction? I’d love something like Boys in the Boat or Devil in the White City; a great story but not terribly heavy.
Look into narrative nonfiction. I love Jon Krakauer books.
What is your favorite Krakauer? I read “Into thin Air” so long ago…. Great.
You want River of Doubt by Candice Millard. SO good.
Yes you do – so, so good!
or the Feather Thief.
I heard great things from a seatmate on a recent plane trip about The Women, about nurses I. The Vietnam War. IIRC the author started out as a lawyer and now writes. Le sigh.
That book is popular, but I hated it. It was readable enough, but so overwrought and cliched. Also apparently a lot of the plot was lifted pretty directly from a memoir from a Vietnam nurse, Home Before Morning by Lynda Van Devanter (turned into the TV show China Beach). I have the memoir on hold at the library.
So cliche.
Do you want fiction or nonfiction? The books you list are both nonfiction, but if that’s what you’re looking for all the rest of Erik Larson’s books are good, including the latest on the start of the Civil War.
I just finished The Dictionary of Lost Words, about the development of the Oxford English Dictionary.
Hit post too soon — and I loved it!
Outlawed by Anna North
not a novel, but the recent book about the historic Challenger disaster, by Adam Higginbotham, was very good — well-written, understandable descriptions of difficult scientific concepts, humanizing the various characters and each crew member of that mission. I highly recommend it.
I know I’m late to reply… I loved Becoming Madame Secretary and the Gilded Years.
Check out The Frozen River. It’s loosely based on the life of an 18th century midwife.
Oooh, good question. Here are a few options that I have read. If I think of more, I’ll comment again.
Several options by Lynn Austin: A Woman’s Place (about 4 women in the US in 1940s), Until We Reach Home (sisters traveling from Sweden to US 1890s and 1920s), Waves of Mercy and Legacy of Mercy (socialite travels to Holland, MI from Chicago–Victorian? time), A Proper Pursuit (Chicago at the time of the Great Fire), and some of my favorites by her: Wings of Refuge (archeological dig in Israel), Wonderland Creek (about a librarian in rural KY in Great Depression), Eve’s Daughters (multi-generational stories from World War I to the 1980s).
The Reluctant Duchess by Roseanna M. White (The only one in this series I’ve read….excited to read the others). Lady of Milkweed Manor by Julie Klassen (interesting read about 1800s England).
Against the Tide, With Every Breath Book,& Into the Whirlwind all by Elizabeth Camden
The Hawthorne House Series by Kristi Ann Hunter is great.
For those with an Apple Watch, what kind of band do you have?
I wear the Apple sport band most of the time and a Michele link bracelet for dressier occasions.
I’ve gotten niceish ones from Missoni, Kate Spade, etc, and they’ve all cracked or broken. I looked a lot at leather ones on Etsy from invasive species like pythons and stingrays and wound up getting a stingray one. It took like 3 months to come but I’m very happy with how it turned out.
I have the silicone one. I think the sport? I like it. I wear it kind of loose and my watch still easily picks up my heart rate and all of my vitals. I mainly use it for cardiac monitoring rather than looking fancy though. I got the light pink band which is about flesh color for me haha.
An inexpensive narrow silicone band,
Copper Robin. I wear my Apple watch mostly for the beautiful band!
Is there a type of berry that cooks well – either baked or on the stove? I know it’s berry season now and while I’m not much of a fruit person, I find myself wanting a berry compote type of thing – you know the type of thing that often garnishes a dessert or in yogurt. Not looking to add a ton of sugar though. FWIW I’m not a fan of strawberries, I will eat them but don’t love them due to the seeds. Is there a particular berry I should do this with? And if I do cook them up, can I put them in tupperware and eat them over a few days? I don’t imagine this would freeze well right?
We make cobbler in the summer with blackberries, blueberries, raspberries, and strawberries and no added sugar in the berry mix (there’s some in the topping). It’s our fave.
You have to strain the seeds out with cheesecloth.
They sell what they call berry bags. Ball brand has them. You pour the cooked berries into the nylon bag and the juice drips out. We make wild blackberry jelly every year on vacation, if it’s a good year for wild blackberries.
Berries freeze beautifully and a compote would freeze even better than raw berries. Unfortunately, if seeds are a problem, I think you need to stick to blueberries, as any other kind of berry will be even worse than strawberries, or you’ll have to strain them out, which I’ve done for my seed hating husband, but it’s a pain and you lose a lot of the pulp (and fiber) along with the seeds.
Maybe use cherries, if you’re not a fan of the seediness.
Plus cherry pitter devices are super fun!
But this is how I developed trigger thumb, although admittedly I was powering through a flat of quarts.
I love baking blueberries. My favorite summer dessert is a quick blueberry and peach crumble. I also love blueberry with anything lemon flavored (yogurt, frozen custard, pie).
Berry compote freezes very well. It will keep longer both in the fridge or after defrosting with sugar added (which can be a preservative), but a few days should be fine either way.
Blueberries, gooseberries, currants and black currants might work for you, as well as cherries. You can also do mango, apricot, nectarine, peach or plum compote – remove the stones before making the compote.
I would use stove, unless you’re putting the berries in a cobbler or pie, they will dry out if you just bake them on their own.
I’d appreciate some advice on how to have an emotional conversation with DH. I’m going through IVF; I’m in stims preparing for my second egg retrieval after a failed first cycle. Our only diagnosis is MFI aside from my age (over 35). DH always gives me the injections because I’m far too squeamish to do it myself.
Yesterday, he went out with friends (at my insistence) while I stayed home because I’m feeling really cruddy. He had too much to drink and I had to pick him up. When we got home, he promptly passed out and was still asleep when it was time for my injections. So I had to do it myself, which was very stressful because I had to look up all the videos to figure out how to mix the drugs and which needles to use and so on. And it’s at night so of course the nurse isn’t available to walk me through all of the different drugs. I was crying the whole time. DH woke up at some point during this and felt terribly. I wasn’t going to talk about it at the time because I didn’t think anything but rage would come out of my mouth.
My clinic isn’t super anti-alcohol but he’s going to have to give a sample in a few days and he really shouldn’t be drinking (much, if at all) at this point anyway. I haven’t ever asked him not to drink because he’s an adult and has to make his own choices. But after this experience I want to talk about his alcohol consumption. As in I want to tell him I’m kicking him tf out of the house and calling his parents to help me/shame him through the rest of this cycle if I suspect he’s had so much as a sip of light beer between now and my ER. But that is perhaps not the best marriage-preserving way to approach this conversation. I am disappointed and angry that I am suffering through so much to give us a baby and he can’t do the bare minimum to help this process. I know he feels awful about what happened but I want some comfort that he realizes how devastating this felt for me and this won’t ever happen again. How to approach this?
I don’t think you should have a baby with this man. That might sound flip, but if he were a supportive partner he wouldn’t have done this, and it won’t get better when he’s a dad. In fact, it will likely be much worse.
Supportive partners deserve nights out to blow off steam. Supportive partners make mistakes. Being supportive and extending grace goes both ways
This.
+1
I’m sorry this is so hard, OP.
Getting falling down / passing out drunk is not “blowing off steam.”
The alcohol would really bother me too. I’m sorry.
What about it? The practice allows he and he was encouraged to go out. Not to stay home or to not drink and be the driver. Not cool to change the rules mid-game.
It’s not normal to get blotto every time you go out! No one is saying he shouldn’t have had a beer or two, but it sounds like he drank a ton and as a result of the excessive drinking he passed out and couldn’t help OP with the shots. I definitely think that’s concerning behavior, and I don’t think you need to be a mind-reader to know you shouldn’t get hammered when you have to help your wife with her shots.
To be fair – these comments are from before she said how intoxicated he got. For all we knew before he updates he had 3 beers and didn’t feel comfortable driving
But she said in the original post that he passed out — that takes a lot of alcohol, or a very low tolerance and if you have a very low tolerance you need to watch your consumption carefully. It was very clear to me from the original post that it was a lot more than one beer.
Right, she said in the original post that he was passed out. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that’s not one drink.
I also guessed correctly that he was too drunk to figure out Uber (which OP confirmed in follow up posts) based on him needing a ride. Otherwise, why not just take Uber?
There are a lot of posters on here who get very defensive about any posts on drinking. Wonder why.
This isn’t going to be a popular opinion but is he supposed to be a mind reader? You say your clinic isn’t anti alcohol so presumably they haven’t said he shouldn’t drink. You say you TOLD him to go out. Presumably when you did that you knew your DH wasn’t a teetotaler. Could you not have assumed he’d drink? Yet you didn’t say – don’t drink or don’t drink much. You say he has to make his own decisions – well he did. He may not think him drinking is a big deal to making a baby. Yet you now want to rant and rave and put on the hysterics of throwing him out and calling his mommy and daddy if he so much as has a sip? Uh maybe you should first have don’t him, you can’t even have one sip.
Yeah I kind of feel like this too
Same. In an era of Uber, going out tends to imply drinking. I’m so out of practice, a little could feel like a lot, especially over an evening chatting away with friends.
The clinic told us both it’s ok for us to have ONE glass of wine or a beer on a special occasion. He knows the research shows that men shouldn’t drink before IVF. He also knows he has to give me injections.
It’s one thing to have a beer here and there, it’s another to have as much as he had to have had in order to be pass out drunk. He has a very high tolerance, for him to get to that point this is not a matter of two or six or even twelve beers. This is like… a handle of whiskey plus at least a six pack of 8+% beer. So no I do not think this is mind reader territory.
OK. This changes things for me. He screwed up in a big way. I really don’t know what I would do, but in my observation, high tolerance usually accompanies other types of questionable alcohol use. Has that been an issue in your marriage before?
Yeah I’m sorry, that is not OK, especially if he was there and heard the clinic’s recommendation about alcohol. Maybe it shouldn’t matter but it does matter to me that he went that crazy on the level of drinking when it’s male factor infertility.
This definitely changed things. I’d want to chat and understand why he got that drunk during the process.
Ok you should have included this in your post – I’m sure it changes many people’s reactions
It was pretty clear from the original post that it was a lot more than a drink or two, and he was seriously drunk. You don’t pass out or need a ride from your spouse because you can’t figure out Uber if you have one or two beers.
“Pass out” can mean actually passed out, like he was, or napping it off.
Plenty of places don’t have reliable or reasonable Uber (I live in one!) so the option could be drive or get picked up.
Do not kick him out of the house or deliver ultimatums. Those actions are acts of anger and fury, but do not build conversation or solutions. Is your marriage otherwise? Does he drink like this a lot? You are having a baby with this man–are you sure that’s a good idea? Anyway, sit down and talk to him about how you are feeling, how overwhelming this is, your disappointment, etc. And don’t forget, while this s@cks for you, it also s@cks for him. IVF is no walk in the park.
+1. When you told him to go out, did he understand that you thought he wasn’t going to drink?
I agree. And why didn’t you wake him up and ask him to help? I’m unclear how much later it was and whether he was still incapacitated, but he still could have helped some.
Maybe he’s also stressed out about this process and trying to deal with it in his own way. Maybe he is drinking too much, there’s no way for me to know, but it doesn’t seem fair to get mad about something you told him to do and the doctors also aren’t against. If you have a problem with it, you need to have an actual conversation about it, not just blow up under stressful conditions and call his parents (are you five?). You’re both dealing with a difficult situation, give each other some grace rather than trying to fight it out right now (assuming this is a good marriage overall- if you despise him as much as your post makes it sounds, you could also rethink even staying together, in which case feel free to blow ever up and go tattling to his parents).
This is where I land.
Me too.
You would want someone who is passed out drunk to handle an injection for you?
Was he passed out or was he drunk and sleeping it off?
He went out at 11 am and I picked him up at 4 pm. He drove himself there and was planning to drive himself home. I’m glad he called me and didn’t try to drive. He was also too drunk to figure out Uber. I had to carry him into the house because he was mostly passed out. My injections are at 9 pm and he was still passed out.
I tried to wake him up multiple times. He would look at me and then roll over and go back to sleep. At one point I told him I need him to stand up so I know he’s awake. He did, I went to get him some water, and when I came back he was sitting back down passed out again. At that point I was not going to trust him to give me injections even if he was able to wake up.
Even without IVF being a factor, I would be big mad about a situation like this. Now that you’ve explained more, OP, I completely get why you’re so angry.
Yikes I’m late but I feel like it makes it worse that this was day drinking. OP, I think you need do some serious thinking and discussing before proceeding further with the IVF.
+1
Agree.
I feel like a lotttt of context is missing here. I’d be mad that his going out meant he wasn’t able to help with the shot (but also recommend that every adult in a household be comfortable administering anyone’s medications just in case of an emergency), but I wouldn’t jump to kicking him out absent other issues.
Is his drinking normally out of control or was this more rare? Is he generally supportive of you during the IVF process? Was he going out to blow off steam because he’s nervous or worried about the outcome of the IVF? Have you communicated the emotional and physical toll this process is taking on you? Likewise – how are you taking care of yourself mentally and emotionally during the process?
This is what I’m wondering, too. Unless there’s a lot more to this situation, it seems extreme to jump to kicking him out. Did you guys have an actual conversation about what was ok and what was off limits?
I agree that context is missing. if this is a pattern of out of control drinking, then you may want to hit the brakes on IVF and get his drinking under control. If this was a rare occasion, then I’d consider what you want – I need your help to give me these shots before egg retrieval on this date, so you can’t drink to excess during these time periods. or is your request that he quit altogether while you go through this process? what about when you get pregnant? I think that’s a different conversation and depends on whether this was a one-off night or not. I’m suffering, so you need to suffer too doesn’t go down well in a marriage.
Oh yikes. Is your DH normally supportive and made a moronic decision this one time? Or is this part of an overall pattern? Fertility treatments really really suck, but if you’re even entertaining the notion of kicking him out of the house, that is very worrisome for your relationship. If you can’t trust him without resorting to that, I think that’s a big big problem.
So… wow. Lots to unpack. Why did you tell him to go out if you knew it was injection night? Were you expecting him to not drink anything? A sip of beer isn’t really intervention level… you guys need to have a conversation to get on the same page about this stat. And if you can’t then I agree this probably isn’t the guy you want to parent with. But kicking him out and calling his parents, like… wut?
He didn’t go out at night. He went out at 11 am. No I didn’t think 1) he would get pass out drunk in the middle of the day, or 2) he would still be even a little bit tipsy by injection time at 9 pm.
That’s definitely not great on his part. So he has a high tolerance (meaning he is used to drinking lots of alcohol, and frequently) and it seems that it’s a bigger part of his life than just an occasional night out to blow off steam. IVF aside, how do you feel about that?
Did he say why / how get got so drunk?
damn — that changes my answer (i’m 4:06) – i’ve been a heavy drinker most of my adult life and it sounds like he went on a bender. are you sure he was only drinking alcohol, or were other substances involved? even i find it really hard to drink that much during the day, it just makes me sleepy and i lose steam. plus you don’t start with the heavy stuff like whiskey at 11 am unless someone died.
Yeah, that escalated quick at the end of the post
Lot to unpack here – you are feeling awful in general and going through a very trying experience. But I’m not totally clear what he did wrong? You encouraged him to go out, the clinic isn’t super anti-alcohol…he took it too far and feels terrible about it but unless this is a pattern it doesn’t at all seem to rise to the level of kick him out of the house. Think about what it would take for you to feel like he “gets it”-both around this incident and around baby making and parenting generally, and then talk to him about that.
Hey, I’m an IVF mom who also has an MFI diagnosis in play and has a husband who didn’t make a lot of healthy changes despite it.
First off: I am sorry you’re navigating this. I suspect you are feeling like this is really high stakes because your body is being jacked to hell and back, and — if we’re being honest here, MFI diagnosis to MFI diagnosis — it feels a little unfair to undergo medical treatment for an issue with someone else’s body. (And then you feel guilty for feeling that way, and so on). And my gut is that he also feels that way. I know my husband struggled a lot with guilt as our ERs were also tough and we had cycles fail. So, the whole thing feels yucky for both of you in a way that I don’t think it does for FFI diagnoses (not that those don’t also feel yucky, but MFI is its own thing, even in the healthiest marriages). It’s just painful on both sides.
But: You haven’t told him you don’t want him to drink. You actively pushed him to go out to a bar with his friends. I…don’t think it’s fair to be that angry at him. I just don’t. I think you need to have a very frank but calm conversation with him about how hard this is for you and how alone and overwhelmed you felt last night. I think you need to own the fact that you were harboring expectations for his behavior that you didn’t communicate to him, and that now you’re judging him for not living up to those expectations. Hopefully, he will show up to that conversation able to own his part and share what he’s been going through, too.
If he has an underlying alcohol issue, that is different. But even if that’s the case, I don’t think that your rage approach will get you the results you want. So, if that’s the case, a deep breath and a read through some Al-Anon (or similar) materials on confronting an addict will help.
I want to be VERY clear that I have been there, I totally get the rage, I would be devastated too. I am not invalidating what you’re feeling at all. But I do think it’s not fair in a marriage to hold someone to a standard that you aren’t sharing with them, especially when you’re encouraging them to do things that go against that standard.
Best wishes for a successful ER + transfer cycle. I’ll be thinking about you.
What a well thought out and measured response!
I think this is a very compassionate, realistic response.
Thanks for the compassionate response, I do appreciate it. I’m not sure that I’m holding him to some secret standard by expecting him to not pass out drunk in the middle of the day so that he is still unconscious 5 hours after I have to pick him up and carry him into the house because he is too drunk to Uber home, but I can see from this comment and others here that I am wrong and I do not have a right to be so angry when I have failed to communicate that expectation. I am feeling pretty emotional and fragile so I appreciate the gut check from everyone.
Oh I’d be utterly furious under the circumstances described. But the reaction to kick him out/call his parents only makes sense if (1) he is a repeat offender, and (2) he hasn’t realized the error of his ways/worked hard to apologize since it happened.
Also, possibly relevant, I am a wildly independent person, as is my husband. It was a shift for both of us when I was going through IVF and eventually pregnancy, as I needed and wanted him present emotionally and physically for me in a way that I never previously wanted or needed. We had some pretty big fights until I realized that we both needed to shift our mindset – I needed to be clearer with my needs (since it was a shift from our previous relationship), and he needed to “hear” when I asked and step it up.
You’ve provided more information in these comments than you did in your initial post, which sounded like he just needed a DD after a couple of beers and then fell asleep when he got home—that’s the assumption I was operating under.
I still don’t think calling his parents and kicking him out is a good plan. But I do think taking the time after the ER while you’re waiting for PGT results to work through this as a couple will benefit the two of you. This sounds like a very high stress situation, and you will probably have an easier time navigating it after your body has recovered a bit. The wonderful thing about IVF is that you can delay your FET a month or two if needed; please take the time you need to have the next steps be full of joy and hope.
A lot of alcoholics are answering you from their perspective, as if they are your husband. And yes, there are plenty of “high achieving” women who have a problem with alcohol. I wouldn’t want to have a baby with any of them, though.
What happens when you need dad to parent the baby when you’re away or otherwise available and he gets passed-out drunk again?
Don’t do it, babe. Think about the long term.
Yeah, you don’t have a IVF problem, you have a husband problem. And it’s not gonna get better with a kid.
I’m not understanding the jump from overindulging one night to threatening to kick him out?
Same. If he has an alcohol problem, why did you encourage him to go out on a shot night?
You’ve never told him that he can’t drink during this process (and neither did the clinic) and now you’ve jumped to wanting to throw him out and call mommy and daddy if he has a sip of beer? Gtfoh.
She shouldn’t need to mommy him into not drinking. He should be able to make the right decision himself, especially when given information from the clinic about how much is OK to drink. This is NOT on OP.
Nah, he can’t read her mind. Speak up if you feel strongly about something.
She said the doctors told told them to minimize drinking and they could have one drink on special occasions, and this is clearly going against those direct orders from the doctor and sabotaging the IVF process – whether intentionally or not. It’s not on OP for “not speaking up.”
“A sip of beer”? Are you kidding me? You don’t pass out for hours and need to be carried home from a sip of beer.
OP, there are a lot of functioning alcoholics on this board who think drinking benders are normal, and it’s skewing the responses you’re getting. It’s not normal or healthy for adults to pass out from drinking on a regular basis, especially when they’ve been told by doctors not to drink much for medical reasons. It really sounds like he has a drinking problem, or he’s using alcohol to numb something he’s unhappy about (are you sure he’s fully on board with the baby/IVF?). I’m sorry, it’s a tough situation and I don’t think there are easy answers, but I would be very reluctant to move forward with IVF unless something changes.
+1 functioning alcoholics and people with low standards for the men in their lives too. I’m angry at how they piled on to OP.
Well, she didn’t reveal the entire picture up front… at all. So it has taken more info to get a handle on her situation.
OP is the one who is considering threatening to kick her husband out and call his parents over a sip of beer. Re-read the post.
No one has ever passed out drunk till 9PM from a sip of beer, or an entire beer, at a 11 AM social occasion. We have the details at this point.
Re-read the post good lord. She said she is considering kicking him out if he has a single sip of beer in the future. Jesus Christ, reading is fundamental.
You may have your details, but you’re still confused. OP said she is considering kicking him out over a FUTURE sip of beer. Read the post.
It’s pretty obvious that she is speaking in hyperbole because she is angry. You guys are just so determined to blame her no matter what she says. Hell, he could lose his job over day drinking and y’all would find a way to make it her fault for nagging him or something.
I mean yesterday was Sunday. He wasn’t day drinking while at work.
I am with you on this. OP, I wouldn’t be calling his parents or kicking him out. I would be sitting him down and telling him that you are pausing this IVF treatment until he sorts out his problem because this behavior is not normal.
Do not have a child with this man. If you really want to have a child, divorce him and do it on your own using donated sperm.
You’ve totally misread the post, and this attitude is out of line.
The fertility journey is ROUGH, I’d recommend a support group or therapy rather than taking the stress out on your husband.
You should definitely feel comfortable preparing and administering the shot, even if your husband is the primary shot-giver. You never know what could pop up that would mean you need to give yourself the shot. This applies to all medications. Better be safe than sorry.
1- learn to do your shots yourself. You absolutely can many of us have to do every shot alone
2- tell him your expectation, zero alcohol between now and retrieval, and ask if he is willing to meet it
3- tell him you appreciate the apology but aren’t going to do any work to help him feel less bad, his guilt is his own issue to manage and what you need from him is not to keep hearing about how he feels bad but to see him being better
4- don’t call his parents that’s just gross
This is the way.
This is a situation in which you need to accept your feelings, feel them, and then separate them from your marriage. IVF, TTC, and pregnancy will wreck havoc on your emotions. That’s okay. You’re allowed to be overwhelmed. But that doesn’t mean your husband was necessarily hugely wrong, and, in my experience as someone going through a divorce right now, near-immediate contrition is a good sign. A very good sign.
I just want to say I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this. I’m in pretty much the same boat as you (same age, same dx) and it just sucks sometimes. I don’t think my husband is ever going to feel the stress or grief as strongly as I do and that has caused some tension at times when I’ve felt he hasn’t taken things seriously enough. I don’t have any advice to give, just commiseration.
You should learn how to do your own shots. I mean you are a grown women. Don’t be mad that someone isn’t taking care of something you should self sufficient with.
This is such a jerk response. If they had an agreement that he was going to help with shots, which is an extremely reasonable thing to do to help make a challenging process easier for your spouse, then it’s not OK to blow it off to get drunk. It doesn’t matter if it would be helpful for her to know how to do the shots on her own in the future. He violated their understanding.
+1
Ok what if he was in a car accident or had last minute work travel on a shot night?
Her husband shouldn’t have gotten that drunk, but she should be prepared to take care of herself medically.
Yup, and crying through the whole thing is ridiculous.
But the post didn’t say she should learn to do her own shots in case of emergency. It said “Don’t be mad that someone isn’t taking care of something you should self sufficient with.” If they had an agreement he’d help her with the shots, she’s 100% justified in being mad at him!
Sometimes it’s really obvious that people responding to comments here have unhappy marriages.
If you think crying through the whole thing is ridiculous you sound like someone who hasn’t been on big gun hormonal injections before!
Actually I’m not married. In a great, but long distance, relationship so I’m used to doing EVERYTHING myself. So being unable to give yourself medicine that YOU need is unfathomable to me.
Just as OP is also in an unhappy marriage. We are here to give her practical advice. Yes, those of us in marriages that are less than perfect have found ways to handle less than ideal situations. I’m glad that your marriage is perfect and I know we should ditch our spouses as soon as they act like AHs, but there are reasons why we don’t. Sorry if you don’t understand that.
I think it’s so weird that there’s always someone who thinks that the commenters who suggest being tolerant of your spouse’s flaws are in unhappy marriages. I’m one of those people, and if anything, I’m overly sympathetic to bad husband behavior precisely because I’m in a happy marriage to a good man, my dad is a good man, my brothers are good men, and my male friends are good men. I know that they’re like just me and my female friends, who sometimes do things that are annoying, but we all still love each other and our lives are so much happier for living them together.
So in that context, when someone has one bad day, or is struggling with something, I always urge working through it and giving them some time and love to figure things out. But obviously my advice would be really different for someone who is married to someone who is consistently making their life worse, and lots of posters are bad about giving the full context, like the one who started out talking about how her partner was spending money on fast food behind her back and then came back and said he was abusive. Or in this case, the OP isn’t really clear about whether he has a serious long time drinking problem or if this was a one time thing, though her later posts about how drunk he was certainly make it sound worse than it did in her initial post. But we still don’t know anything else about their marriage, other than her immediate impulse is to run and shame him to his parents, which is pretty unusual and possibly telling, at least about her, and possibly about the state of their marriage overall.
Your analogy of “what if he got in a car accident” isn’t apt. It’s more like what if he intentionally crashed the car? This guy got himself drunk. It didn’t just happen to him.
This.
Okay. Not everyone is good with needles. Getting over something like a vagovagal response could take longer than the entire course of treatment for something like this.
(Note that she did do the shot, same as she would in an emergency; it just sucked!)
Grown women are allowed to expect their partners to be grown men.
Grown PEOPLE give themselves their medicine, or at least know how to.
Yeah, as she said she figured it out. It doesn’t mean that her husband is in the clear on his own behavior. You might want to raise that bar for male behavior in your own life.
You might want to raise the bar for medical standards in your own life.
If you’re not married to a man who would gladly and without question help you with your shots every single night and take reasonable steps recommended by the clinic without question, then your bar is too low. This is literally being there for your spouse and being an adult.
There’s a difference between your husband giving you your shots because you don’t like doing it, while still knowing how to do it, and fumbling through the instruction booklet while sobbing because you never had the sensibility and responsibility to previously learn how to give yourself your medicine.
As noted above, I’m an IVF mom who gave myself most of my shots. I don’t think I’m morally superior to women who didn’t. What a weird thing to choose to be a jerk about on a Monday.
Girl, no no no. When you do IVF your emotions are on high alert. This is the drugs talking. You husband acted like a normal person. Don’t blow up your marriage and go crazy like you’re describing. Take a breath. Ignore this. Move on.
OP, this is horrible advice. Please ignore the pile-on and take care of yourself. You did nothing wrong, your feelings are completely valid, and I’d be angry too. It never fails to shock me how many people will do whatever it takes to attack the OP, no matter how absurd the husband is being. They’re literally defending pass-out day drinking during IVF, FFS.
Yeah TIL it’s acting like a normal person and a grown adult to get pass-out drunk at lunch time during IVF and need your wife to come pick you up because you can’t figure out how to call an Uber.
And don’t forget that being upset about that is “going crazy.” *smh*
Threatening to kick out your husband and call his mommy and daddy is *crazy*
Of course it’s not. But it’s also not acting like a grown adult to refuse to learn to give yourself medication you need and then go running to tell your husband’s mommy and daddy on him, so it seems like both of them are struggling right now. Are they both just crumbling under the stress of IVF (very understandable!!!) and need to just talk to each other like adults about what they need from each other, or does the husband have a serious drinking problem that should be addressed before they go any further with having kids? Hard to know from what OP has told us, but she definitely shouldn’t blow up her marriage while doped up on hormones, the drugs do make everything way worse, and she’s not going to be able to make a reasonable decision about anything right now, that’s just basic science.
The picture OP presented in her follow up comments is VERY different than the picture she presented in the original post.
To me it sounds like he had some kind of crisis or breakdown over the stress of the IVF process (which is getting to OP too). I hope they can talk it all out. I do think hormones AMPLIFY negative emotions for me personally.
It’s really good advice. Sorry but IVF makes people bat shit crazy. I’m guessing her husband needed to drink and blow off steam and her reaction is in line with how people mid-shots react. The trick is to know that it’s normal to react like that and not make life decisions you’ll regret because you’re hopped up on the drugs. OP can cry, be upset, etc., but she should understand that she’s not calibrating well right now. Don’t make decisions when you’re hungry, tired, or going through IVF.
Get the egg retrieval and freeze your eggs for a while until you work out your marital problems. And this is a problem. Don’t have a child with a man who can’t control his drinking.
+1
I did this with my husband 6 y ago. He wasn’t a frequent drinker but when he did, he’d feel sick or would pass out. He’s been a teetotaler since.
Wow, a lot of interesting comments on this. As someone who has also done IVF, I would be irate. Furious. Completely losing my shit. And I’m normally a very calm, gentle, person. I feel like he failed you in multiple ways – 1) failing to help with your injections when that was your agreement. 2) Failing to act like a responsible adult. And 3) Drinking to a level of excess that is not good for developing sp*rm. And given that you are going through IVF and already had one failed cycle, I would personally find #3 almost unforgivable. Since I would probably be even angrier than you are, I’m not sure I be of much help to you for dealing with today’s issue:-P But I think one thing that might be good for you guys before the next cycle (if you need one) is to work through It starts with the Egg, and decide what things you are each, personally, going to do/contribute to improving your chances on each IVF cycle. You can’t be the one doing all the work. You need to feel like you are BOTH doing everything in your power working towards a good outcome. He can abstain from alcohol, cook healthy food, toss out all the plastics and get glass food storage, skip the sauna, etc. (Good luck with your IVF cycle!!!! I’ve got twins now:-))
I’m staying with a friend who has the most adorable polka dot and patterned and striped towels in her guest bath. I usually get solid white but I’m tempted to go this route for my next towels. Hers are from Kate Spade. Anything as cute that may be more budget friendly?
Costco often has Kate Spade branded towels for very cheap. Last time they had them there was a set with polka dots, I’d guess that is where your friend got them!
I don’t know if they are ‘more budget friendly’ but Company Store has some cute patterned towels like this.
I got my cute patterned towels at Target.
What are the Hive’s thoughts on Caitlin Clark’s rough treatment, the Olympic team, etc? Is there any there there? She is dignified in her silence, so what do you all think?
I don’t think there’s any there there.
I think the league and media are trying to sustain interest using whatever angle they can. I also think picking an inflammatory angle, rather than a competitive angle, is a misstep.
I think it’s reasonable that she didn’t make the Olympic team. She couldn’t go to training camp (for valid reasons, it was during the final four, but still she wasn’t there) and I think they’ve historically only taken people who attended that. I’m also not convinced she’s a top 12 WNBA player currently, so I don’t think it’s a tragedy for her to wait 4 years. She’ll be on the team in ‘28.
I do think a lot of WNBA players are extremely jealous of her and the attention she’s getting and it’s not a good look for them.
What rough treatment are you talking about? The Olympic roster makes complete sense, because there is a team of better (right now) players. If she performs at a high level in the WNBA, she will get there. Leave her alone and let her play, same rules as the rest of the league.
she’s better than DT right now across every stat. BG has only played one game this season, and Gray hasn’t played at all!
Including turnovers?
I think a lot of predominantly male journalists are salivating at the chance to do a “b1tches, amirite?” stories. Don’t give them your clicks.