Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Silk-Cotton Frill-Detail Blouse

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1. Starting on tretinoin for the first time (in my 60’s!). Two questions:
   1. Anyone have any luck getting insurance coverage? I know this is a longshot; pharmacy told me insurance was denied due to age, which I interpret to mean they assumed this was not related to acne, which might be covered. Not a huge deal; while not cheap, I can cover it. Just wondering.
   2. Besides being really good about sunscreen, and knowing I can’t use it for several days before I get my brows waxed, any other tips and tricks for a good experience? I am starting with twice a week and will move to more frequent as it is tolerated.

   1. Check with your derm if they have the ability to order it elsewhere if it’s not covered. I’m 30 and wanted it for aging reasons, but conveniently I ask just switched from the pill to an IUD which did cause hormonal acne, which meant insurance covered it (my copay is $15). However, due to my age they weren’t sure if it would be covered so they told me if it was too expensive they could order it from an online derm pharmacy for me.

      1. I’ll endorse:

         all day chemist (dot) com

         yes it comes from international locations, but it’s great and legit product. Get your prescription and know what level you need, then order it on your own.

   2. There are relatively inexpensive prescription tretinoin preparations that your doctor can prescribe if whatever fancy one she recommended is too expensive. One tube lasts a lot longer than 1 month. Insurance will cover it if it is for acne, which I still have (in my 50s). But it has to be for acne and the doctor has to write that on the script. I have used GoodRx to help me find the cheapest price in my area. I used to pay for the gel formulation for tretinoin out of pocket, but then learned the cream was actually covered by my insurance and better tolerated. So now it is very cheap for me, as I use the cream.

      1. yes, mine lasts much longer than a month — i’m not great about putting it on because i forget with all the other restrictions (can’t mix with certain products, your face must be 100% dry, etc) so I only do 2-3x a week but I only buy a tube maybe 3-4x a year for $90 each. (Obaji.)

   3. If you aren’t taking it for acne why would it be covered? Wrinkles aren’t a medical issue.

      1. Do you feel better now?

         1. Do you?

         2. What’s wrong with pointing this out?

      2. Seriously, why should my insurance premiums go up for that?

         1. Agree.

   4. I think tolerance can vary a lot based on cream v. gel. I have no problem using tretinoin cream daily, but gel is much more drying on my skin. I’m not young and I’ve always gotten partial coverage for it (with three different insurance companies), so I assume there is some trick to writing the prescription.

   5. If you have acne your dermatologist can certify this to the insurance company, which will then cover it. At least that’s how it works with my insurance. If you can’t get insurance coverage, use GoodRx and compare prices at different pharmacies.

   6. I am in my 30’s and have used all sorts of formulations of tretinoin for acne. In the end I stuck with the cream formulation, .05% (worked up to this.) I found the gel to be significantly more drying.

      As far as coverage, I’m in Canada and it is paid 100% through my insurance. I think the cost for a tube is $60 CAD or so uninsured? I’d estimate it lasts 2 months or so, and I use a lot.

      1. I do not endorse this pharmacy, but this is the product I’m talking about: https://www.canadapharmacyonline.com/DrugInfo.aspx?name=Retin+A1970

   7. Insurance does not pay for mine so I use Curology. I love my custom mix from them. I also prefer an airless pump to a tube.

2. Have you ever been the most casually dressed person at a conference or seminar? If yes, how did you feel and did anything negative happen?

   1. Yes, I wore cropped wide leg jeans and fashion sneakers on the last day of a business casual industry conference where most other attendees were in more relaxed professional suit separates. I felt mildly underdressed but decided to exude more confidence and happiness than I felt. Fairly certain everyone around me could not have cared less.

      1. +1. I recently attended a conference that was apparently attended by some important political figures. I work in a casual industry and it honestly didn’t occur to me to wear a suit. I was wearing cute ankle pants, a nice blouse and flats. Pretty much everyone else was in a suit. I was a bit mortified, but ended up having some great chats and I don’t think anything bad really happened. I wasn’t exactly invited to meet said important political figures but that wasn’t my goal either.

   2. Haha no. I’m an academic scientist, so there’s always some guy in ripped up shorts, a dirty tee shirt and sandals with socks (but also people in suits, and pretty much everything else in between, at least at conferences). I know different environments have different standards, but as long as you’re not that guy and were at a reasonable professional standard, I wouldn’t worry too much, just dress up a little more next time.

      1. Haha, agreed. I’m a political scientist so we aren’t quite as grubby, but jeans and sneakers are fine.
         I also think informality is harder to read on women. A woman in a summer skirt or casual trousers probably reads smarter than a guy in shorts.

   3. FWIW, my firm did once host a small, out-of-town “fireside chat” type conference at a venue that – unbeknownst to our mortified marketing team – required coats and ties for the gentlemen. (We have a large enough number of clients in Other City that it was worth it to bring the conference to them, so to speak.) The venue offered loaner jackets and ties, but if people refused, they were denied admission. Assuming your conference isn’t at that type of venue, I can’t imagine anything happening.

   4. Just saw two young sales rep fired and my boss referenced separate conferences where they didn’t dress appropriately among other things. The one I could see—it was a biz casual to biz formal mix in Vegas and she wore leather leggings and blazer and too cropped shirt. The other wore jeans and a sweater to a mostly biz casual and some biz formal conference and honestly was surprised it was a big deal. She had knee boots (was when they were stylish) and maybe that’s why? Apparently it bothered another sales rep there so much that she said she didn’t want her at any events together after that. I usually try to wear a simple dress and bring a blazer or cardigan—allows easy blending won’t stand out with the older folks who are super formal (my boss will wear suits to bars even when everyone else changes and stands out being too formal imho).

      1. This anecdote strikes me as problematic. Young women don’t have clear signposts for what to wear and to be uninvited from all events related to their role because … jeans? a sweater? It’s not even clear what part of the outfit is the problem here. Instead of being given guidance and then feedback to improve on, they were just banned from events and then fired?

         Maybe I am sensitive because I’ve been told before that certain conferences we attend had a dress code of khahki pants and a polo shirt and black dress shoes. And when I showed up, every single woman from our group somehow missed with their outfit including me. I just couldn’t, and still can’t, find khakis and black leather flats that look passable much less remotely fashionable.

         1. While I sort of agree that feedback before termination is a much better way to handle this, I also think these women were inappropriately dressed and no matter how much people want to make all attire appropriate for every occasion, it isn’t. Knee boots do not belong at work outside very specific contexts (like very artistic or fashion-related industries, and then only at particular events; and yeah, Condoleeza Rice once pulled them off (sort of kind of maybe) but only because the rest of her outfit was conservative and she was the Secretary of State with the leeway to do that while playing the role of badass). Jeans are not business casual, they are casual, and if you are attending an event, asking if jeans are acceptable is always the first step before deciding to wear them. Leather leggings and cropped shirts – I honestly can’t think of any work context, outside perhaps something cosmetology-related, where those should ever appear at work. I don’t even think retail is an exception. I am not saying people don’t get away with wearing them and not getting fired. I am saying they are just getting away with it despite making a mistake.

            1. In what world are knee-high boots unprofessional?!? For years everyone wore them with dresses and pencil skirts in the winter. I even saw people wearing them with suits, which I thought looked silly, but it’s practical. Way more practical than wide-legged pants and loafers in the snow.

            2. OP here–I’m guessing the boots didn’t help. They were the kind that go just above the knee and I’m wondering if that came off as too casual or maybe even suggestive to someone not as fashion knowledgeable. The other sales rep who complained about her attire was wearing a suit and others there were wearing a suit and mix of things but not many in jeans (if any–I honestly didn’t pay that much attention). I was honestly surprised to hear it was an issue (the leather outfit did seem really inappropriate for a work conference). Dress wasn’t the only thing that wasn’t going well, but it definitely was a big part of it from what I heard. Because they were both sales reps, a big part of their job was attending conferences and client dinners. And I think it was perceived that they lacked professionalism. I think they should have had more coaching. Fair or not, it’s probably best to pay attention to the norms if you’re representing a company,

         2. Crop top and leather leggings cannot be confused as business casual or work appropriate. The over the knee boots are probably more acceptable at a conference.

   5. No but there’s always plenty of people who are dressed more casually than most. Don’t wear athleisure, don’t wear a ball gown. (Or a bodycon sparkly dress, that happened once!)

      Anywhere in between you’ll be fine.

   6. If this happens to me, my plan is to walk around complaining loudly about the airline that lost my luggage.

      1. Hahaha: what a perfect solution!

   7. Yes the whole world ended, I was fired from my job, my husband left me, and I went bankrupt.

      1. 😂

3. I’m attending the NHL draft with my DH in Vegas later this month at the Sphere. I am not sure how to find out the bag policy for the event – the sphere has one online, but the NHL stadium near me has a different policy (clear bag). Not that it matters, but I will need to bring period products in with me. Any tips for figuring out if I can bring my solid color lulu crossbody belt bag, or if I need a clear/tiny bag?

   1. Pockets my friend.

   2. Idk if this is universal but I have small opaque zippered bags (the size of the pencil pouch I used to snap into my trapper keeper in school) that I use for things like tampons, tissues, hand sanitizer – general organization – inside a bigger plastic tote. I’ve never been questioned about the bags in my bag. I have been denied entry with a leather cross body purse that I’m pretty sure was smaller than my little pouches. So again idk if I just haven’t gotten “caught” or if the little organizational bags are actually allowed.

      Alternatively you could put your tampons in a glasses case. I’m pretty sure they let people bring those in no matter what. It might get searched but so what.

   3. I would go with whatever is the more restrictive policy as between the Sphere and the NHL. I suspect the Sphere’s policy will actually apply but better safe than sorry!

   4. Can you wear something like a SPI belt?

      1. Under your clothes, I mean. Not as an actual belt. I do this at fairs, festivals, when hiking, basically any time I want to be hands-free without carrying a purse. I can fit the basics in mine without it being lumpy under my clothing.

   5. Check out clutchwomen.com. Clear bag will usually allow non clear if it’s small enough. Website lists details. (And the options on the site are cute!)

   6. I went to a concert at the Sphere last fall and used a wristlet that met their bag guidelines. I don’t remember them being overly harsh about bag sizes but I didn’t want to take a chance.

4. Seeking gentle advice. I found a lump in my breast a few days ago. I’m 45, zero family history of any kind of cancer on either side, routine annual breast checks with no lumps ever. I had my first mammogram two months ago and it came back normal but they said since it was the first one, they would be able to assess better next time. I found it on Friday and I’m expecting my period this Friday, so this is the week before my period (I’m not on any birth control but I’ve been tracking my cycle for over a decade and its extremely regular). I made an appt with my doctor but her first available is July 11. Would you 1) wait to see if it goes away after my period, or 2) try to get an appt earlier with another doctor? Or something else? It has gotten slightly bigger over the last two days which makes me wonder if its just a swollen gland. No other symptoms noticed. Thanks for any advice!

   1. Completely normal to have benign cysts before your period. My doc found one during an exam and when she sent me for ultrasound my period had come and the ultrasound tech struggled to even find the lump. I’d be comfortable waiting until July 11.

   2. I would try to get an appointment, even if just for reassurance. You can also ask your regular doctor’s office to let you know if there’s a cancellation. For what it’s worth, this sounds like a hormonal cyst to me (but I am not an expert).

   3. I might try earlier with another doctor or get in a cancellation list. They can run tests that your doctor can see to see if it solid or fluid filled. I had a lump that grew rapidly — hemorrhagic cyst — and it became quite uncomfortable. They aspirated it but by that time I had been white-knuckle and was easily half the age of others getting mammograms and the only non-pregnant one getting an ultrasound. Good luck!

   4. Given that you just had a mammogram, I’d be okay waiting, but see if you can get on the cancellation list for an earlier appointment.

   5. I would wait. However, I’m pretty blasé about lumps in breasts – I’m 30 and I’ve already had 3 biopsies for benign but permanent lumps in my breast. I don’t have family history for breast cancer but I do for ovarian and endometrial cancers.

      That being said – July 11 is pretty soon for an appointment so I don’t think waiting a month is super risky. Especially since you just had your mammogram. Even in aggressive cancers, I don’t think a month is make or break.

      FWIW, my lumps are always discovered during my annual well woman exam and I’m referred to radiology for an ultrasound. The ultrasound always shows it’s a mass not a cyst so I come back for a biopsy. I usually wait 2-3 weeks in between appointments. So, once a lump is discovered they move pretty quickly.

      There are so many non-cancerous reasons that breasts have lumps that self exams aren’t even recommended anymore.

   6. If you’re uncomfortable about it, push for an earlier appointment or immediate imaging. I always feel it’s better to be safe than sorry. It’s likely nothing, but there are subsets of BC that can be very fast growing.

      Also, as an aside, the vast majority of breast cancer diagnoses occur in women with zero family history. The genetic component gets a lot of hype, but not have a family history is not immunity. Not saying this to scare you, just pointing it out to the greater audience.

   7. I had a very similar occurrence earlier this year. Did you tell the dr’s office why you want an appt? Mine takes lumps very seriously and finds a dr who can see you asap. My dr didn’t have availability, but she absolutely wanted me to see a dr and got me an appointment with another dr the next day. Mine was a cyst, and since you just had a clean mammo I (a total layperson) imagine yours is too, but I recommend you go to another dr (a) for the peace of mind – I wasn’t super concerned since I had recently had a mammo and u/s, but it was still so good to have the dr explain that it was a cyst in a place they had seen a cyst and at the same size and (b) there are some kinds of aggressive, fast-growing cancers; I can’t imagine they grow so quickly that you’d notice a difference in days, but why not get it checked out?

   8. This sounds very, very stressful. Medically, however, I think you’re find waiting for a July 11 appointment. I say this because breast cancer is, in general, a slow moving cancer. My mother had a positive biopsy, so definitely had cancer, and she was advised that there was no need to cancel her (3 week) trip to China and that she could safely start treatment upon her return. Indeed, she did and she was fine. In your case I think there is an advantage to seeing your regular doctor about this, or at least waiting to see if your period resolves it. I will add the caveat, however, that my mother’s cancer was post-menopausal.

   9. Request an ultra sound. My mother had a false negative on her mammogram.

   10. Your doctor’s office probably has a waitlist you can get on. If not, given the clear mammogram two months ago, I would be comfortable waiting until July 11 unless you develop other symptoms (discharge, pain).

   11. Thank you SO much to everyone! I will wait to see my regular doctor, and continue to monitor in the meantime. I do think there is value in seeing my regular dr. so its reassuring to know that waiting a month is probably not a make or break situation.

5. In the iPhone, do you have to silence all text sound notifications or could you turn off sounds from just one person?

   A family member gets unhinged sometimes and will send barrages of angry texts at all hours (last night it was something she thinks I felt when I was two years old). So for years, I’ve had all texts silent. But I have older teens now and even though I have told them to CALL in an emergency role to get me, friends insist that kids will only text in emergencies.

   1. I have many people and especially group text threads with text notifications turned off on my iphone. Just click on their contact name like you are going to edit their contact info and you will find this option.

   2. When looking at your list of text messages, gently swipe to the left on the chain in question. You’ll see a purple bell appear – tap it to mute notifications from that string only.

   3. I don’t know about exactly what you asked; but you can go into the text tone settings, choose emergency bypass, and set your kids’ notifications to come through even when you’re phone is in do not disturb.

      1. I do this, what Cat said above, and also use Focus settings where I either selectively allow or selectively block text and/or call alerts from certain contacts.

         It takes some time to figure out the various configuration options but once you do understand how to make them work for you, the phone is much friendlier.

   4. Add your teens as emergency contacts. Then put your iPhone in sleep mode when you go to bed. I do that with the alarm setting so it automatically goes into sleep mode from 11-7.

      Anyone who is your emergency contact will ring though in sleep mode, including texts. No one else will.

      It has been a real sleep saver for me. I have that one friend who texts me a lot of stuff at 2-3 AM (she seems to have biphasic sleep) and she would not want me waking up for it, nor do I want to. She just wants me to see it in the morning when I wake up.

6. Do you think most Americans work out and generally watch out for their health? I don’t mean like counting calories or never eating a piece of cake, I mean like not drinking soda five days a week or refusing to buy Oreos or buying them a few times w year rather than on the weekly shopping trip?

   Was at an event and there was a family medicine doctor there who mentioned there is so much prediabetes and other modifiable behavior type conditions out there now and all I could think was WHY? I didn’t ask because this was a friend of a friend at a small party and I wasn’t going to make her talk about work. But I was like is this food supply or genetics or some other factor like that? Or do I truly live in an east coast metro bubble where everyone is like oh I did soul cycle at 6 am today and others are like ugh I don’t work out enough, I only walked a mile on the treadmill at 10 pm last night. Like sounds like people are truly making efforts yet these conditions are only growing?

   1. Other countries have obesity epidemics also — IIRC Mexico does worse on this yardstick than the US.

   2. The ways class operates in this country takes its toll on bodies. Food deserts and time are huge factors — for many people, convenience food, fast food, etc. is more available and cheaper, and various kinds of jobs means they can’t spend the time cooking and shopping for other kinds of ingredients. We don’t live in a particularly walkable country, either.

      1. Right.

         Outside of big cities on the coasts (or Chicago), the US seems as rural as Canada or Russia — huge areas where you need a car to get around. If you only have a bus, your options and free time and money are very much limiting factors to you.

         1. I live in the health, conscious Bay Area, and I’ve been varying degrees of overweight for most of my adult life. I always feel like such an outlier here, but then I visit my overweight rural family (there really is something to heredity) and I feel thin to normal. And not just around my family, but around everyone I see in public. Size 16 feels huge for the Bay Area and small for my hometown.

      2. I 100% agree, it’s a class issue. That’s why the regular posts on here like looking down upon people who are not doing soul cycle at 6 AM kinda bother me because they’re so classist and holier than thou and privileged.

         Maybe instead of the whole post we can just choose categories, like today I choose A. A means “here’s how I’m better than everyone else and how they’re doing it wrong.”

         1. Right? For Pete’s sake can we just not?

      3. In addition to time and access, there’s a strong link between chronic stress & obesity — if you’re worried about making rent all the time, your body (on average) is more likely to go “OK, stuff’s going down, gimme all the calories and I am going to Hang On To Them, in case tomorrow there are No Calories”

   3. It’s regional but generally no. It does sound like you live in a bit of a bubble. Many Americans eat a lot of fast food and don’t work out. I get McDonald’s probably once a week and am a lot more health conscious than most people I know, including my parents who drink tons of soda. I live in a small city in a red state though – I do think there’s a red/blue divide and also an urban/rural divide.

      1. I feel like it’s a college/privileged divide with the rest of the US unless you possibly live in a farm or are very much into sports participation as an adult.

         If you work the night shift at a hospital or chicken plant, it’s just so different than a WFH lawyer who goes to Pilates at 8am.

         1. Yeah there is definitely a class divide but even within classes, it’s very regional. I’ve lived in Boston, SF and a couple smaller Midwest cities and I mostly know white collar professionals with advanced degrees. Fast food, soda, juice , and chain restaurants with giant portions are all way more socially acceptable here, even among affluent, educated people.

            Its a tangent, but sun protection is another big health issue with a huge regional divide. In the big coastal cities most people are careful about sunscreens and hats and don’t want to burn or even tan. There’s a very different attitude where I live in the Midwest. Being tan or pink at the end of summer is seen as a good thing and proof you were outside and working with your hands. We’ve had camp counselors refuse to apply sunscreen to our kids because “don’t you want a heathy glow!?” It’s probably the single biggest thing I hate about where I live.

            1. Wow. In my Midwest state, I’m pretty sure daycare providers are required to use sunscreen. I’m glad this has not been an issue at any center we’ve been at, because I am pretty darn aware of the risks of skin cancer. My dad and both grandpas have had melanomas removed, all from being outside constantly and never, ever wearing sunscreen.

            2. Our university daycare with professional staff was great about it, but day camps here have a lot of farm kids working as counselors and yeah… their attitudes about the sun are really different than mine.

            3. I’ve lived in similar areas and agree. It’s cultural.

         2. The night shift at a hospital points applies to professional staff too! My husband’s a doctor. We are overprivileged foodies who cook and eat a lot of fresh foods at home. He is absolutely eating hot pockets and drinking soda on overnight hospital shifts, though, and based on the call room mini fridge, he is definitely not the only one.

            1. I drink too much soda and eat too much candy on night shift, but I also meal prep my meals and bring those in so I have healthy options during my shift. Night shift makes it harder to be healthy but not impossible.

      2. You live in a bubble. I know no one who does not drink at lease 1 diet soda per day and also no one who avoids cookies. None of them are obese it’s just not all on the radar to avoid that stuff.

   4. I’m voting for bubble, because the causes of food-related diseases have been extensively dissected and discussed for many years, and your post comes across less as a genuine question than as concern trolling.

      1. Agreed. OP, there’s so much research out there on this topic, which you can google. Not that you can’t ask for people’s takes here, but you’re just going to get other anecdotes and opinions. If you want data and analysis, it’s out there.

   5. Yep you’re in a bubble. So is most of this place.

      1. Yeah, I am kind of shocked by your post.

         1. Meaning I am shocked by the OP’s post!

            1. Me too. It’s hard for me to believe that someone can be that sheltered from the rest of the world, and not realize they live in a bubble.

            2. Same here, the “questions” on here baffle me. Welcome to the world baby girls.

         2. Ditto.

      2. +1

      3. +1

      4. Yup

      5. Yeah, I ran cross country and track in high school and went to a very outdoorsy college, so my friends include a vastly disproportionate number of marathon and ultramarathon runners and hard core hikers, but even I don’t know many people that go to the gym frequently and I definitely don’t think of that as something that most people do, just people lucky enough to have time and money for that kind of thing.

         However, I do live in a city with lots of parks and where many people walk, bike or run regularly, and that’s pretty accessible to a reasonably wide range of people, though not people who are truly working every waking hour.

      6. Thank you.

   6. Yes I think that workout conversation is not typical at all.

   7. Wow I can’t imagine being this clueless and out of touch and comfortable sharing my level of ignorance. Yes sweetie you’re in a bubble. Try reading a newspaper. Learning something about people other than you. This reads like a parody.

      1. x100000

   8. I think that’s a bubble. My husband is a medical professional in a lower income rural area. Pretty much everyone drinks juice and soda all the time, including little kids. Fast food is cheap and convenient, fresh produce is expensive and people don’t have the time and/or skills to cook. Gym memberships are also expensive, and it’s not necessarily safe to run outside everywhere. There is definitely a huge class divide when it comes to health. And we are in Canada so it’s not just the US.

      1. I live in the Midwest, and our city doesn’t even bother to make mixed-use trails. Plenty of land – an abundance of land! – but it’s not a priority. Backyards are minuscule. Parks are nonexistent or tiny. People just don’t understand the value and don’t care.

         1. That’s odd to me — I’ve lived in a bunch of Midwest cities/towns and all of them had lots of parks, playgrounds and bike paths.

   9. You truly live in a bubble. A wealthy, educated bubble. I can assure you, the folks working hourly jobs at retail stores aren’t thinking about working out. Your mechanic is drinking a full Pepsi and having a Little Debbie snack cake with his lunch.

      1. Srsly. Sometimes I just can’t with this place.

         1. I often think of the bubble thing when I’m out in the real world and I see the extremely wide variety in how women actually dress day to day. Some of the rules and musts that are presented here are coming from an incredibly privileged bubble.

            1. So true!

            2. to be fair, I think those responses have to be taken in context. this blog markets to educated professional women, and as such, you’re going to get responses that mostly reflect recommendations from that perspective…. I don’t think people are saying “goodness I simply can’t imagine a woman in America not wearing wide legged pants to work” as opposed to “wide legged pants are a more current office look in our worlds.”

      2. How many people working hourly jobs and mechanics do you actually know? This is a gross over generalization that’s no more ignorant than OPs question.

         I actually come from that world and surprise! we do think about being healthy. We do make time to workout and we do eat vegetables and limit soda. Heck – have you seen soda prices lately? That’s a once in a while treat for both financial and health reasons.

   10. You live in a bubble.

       Many areas require cars to get around.

       If you don’t have a salaried, professional job, you’re probably not going to have the time, energy, or money to go to the gym at 6 am. Or it’s simply not a priority because there are more pressing needs and concerns. (Heck, I make a good living and I still think boutique gyms are way too expensive. YMCA for life.)

       Junk food is cheap (relatively) and abundant everywhere.

       Time constraints can get in the way of cooking healthy meals.

       None of this is a new problem, but we are reaching a tipping point.

   11. Yes you live in a bubble. Many people work long hours and have long commutes and don’t have the money or time to prep fresh food.

       1. If you have to drive 45 minutes to the grocery store and you only have $80 for the entire month, you’re also not going to spend it on fresh produce that you have to eat within a couple of days. Who knows what your schedule will be in a couple of days with your shift work and your car probably breaking down again? Canned soup lasts.

          1. Is it not common knowledge that frozen veggies and fruit are cheaper, more nutrient dense, and obviously last longer than fresh?

             1. Forgot to add above but FWIW, – all my working class relatives choose frozen veggies for this reason.

             2. No, it is not common knowledge, and there is enormous class snobbery (as shown by the OP’s post) about the idea of eating frozen vegetables.

             3. I don’t think it’s commonly known. There have been flame wars on the moms page about frozen veggies! Lots of rich people are super snobby about them and believe they’re less nutritious.

             4. Two bags full of frozen mixed carrots and peas isn’t enough calories for a family (with no protein or fat), but for the same price, you can get enough Progresso soup for a few meals.

             5. Right – why do you think people are snobby about frozen veggies? It’s because the working class relies on them! They didn’t get this reputation in a vacuum.

                Lower income non-elites, like my family, have been relying on frozen or canned veggies for decades because they’re cheap, they’re quick and easy to heat up, and they last a long time.

             6. It’s crazy that people don’t know frozen can be healthier! I think some people might just not want to know and want the illusion of fresh being healthier because of the stigma. I love frozen and canned veggies, otherwise too much of my food goes to waste.

             7. That isn’t the issue for a lower income family. The biggest surprise to me about moving to Texas is that electricity isn’t guaranteed. I am privileged to live in a building with a back up generator so I never lost power despite my area being out of power for 6 days. In two years of living here the power has gone out for 12+ hours more than a dozen times. My ex colleague lost the contents of his freezer two weeks ago, about $350 worth of food, much of it frozen fruit and vegetables. It would cost him $3500+ to install a generator. Its just not something that is affordable.

             8. It’s likely that the frozen versions (or canned) are tasteless and very soggy/unappealing. My family was a canned and frozen veg family growing up (with a sprinkling of backyard garden fresh stuff) and we struggled through cardboard cutout “fruit” and “veggies” with every meal.
                People who act all “confused” as to why people eat junk food (or drink high cal sugary drinks) I have to shake my head: have they never tasted it? Junk food is literally chemically engineered to give you a drug-like rush when you eat it. Your body craves it beyond hunger, it’s a chemical reaction. You want to keep tasting it, not eating it, if that makes sense.

                I just went to a super high end white tablecloth restaurant in NYC that’s considered one of the best in the world, and it was vegan. Everything was fresh from their private farm. And the food was…fine. It was tasty and healthy and fresh. But it lacked the powerful physical euphoric rush that indulgent rich food has. And that’s what junk food approximates–that “treat” rush you get. The meal felt incomplete and unsatisfying despite the intense efforts to make magic out of ultra-fresh veggies and fruits (and seeds/nuts/legumes/mushrooms) because it lacked fat, sugar, creamy mouth-feel, and dense umami tastes (like those in cheese and meat).

                I’ve eaten many a “healthy” salad and soup meal and felt physically full and still craving more to taste.

   12. yeah you’re in a bubble.

   13. IME, diet is way more generational than anything else. I know so many Boomers who are otherwise health conscious who drink soda regularly or eat other things not considered healthy, whereas I don’t think I know a single person my age (30) who drinks soda weekly, let alone more often. Also, the Boomers in my life are much more likely to have weird hangups around food and be more calorie focused than nutrient / macro focused like people my age. For example, my mom only eats fat free Greek yogurt an I only eat full fat Greek yogurt; my mom thinks it’s awful than my aunt has eggs everyday for breakfast because of the cholesterol, I don’t care what she does but would never do it myself because it’s not enough protein for a meal. My mom isn’t really an almond mom, but has at times expressed a view that I eat too much – meanwhile I’m trying to make sure I’m eating enough (I eat pretty clean so getting my 1900 maintenance calories a day can require eating a lot! I focus on 100-130g of protein and 5 servings of fruit or veg a day).

       I live in an east coast city and at least 95% of people I know work out regularly – IME younger people tend to focus more on “working out” (going for a run, going to the gym, training for a race) and older people tend to just live active lifestyles (walking throughout the day, active yard work or housework, hiking, playing a sport).

       The two people I know who don’t focus on diet and exercise never will, no matter what. They both eat unhealthily and don’t ever move their bodies – everyone I know who cares about one aspect also cares at least a little about the other. IME, the ones who care about neither are all Boomers but come from all sorts of lifestyles (city vs suburban, law partner vs struggling financially). It seems to be much more personality driven than anything else.

       FWIW, my rural family members (Silent Gen) are active because they (still) do all their house and yard work themselves. They have interesting eating habits, but that to me seems to be more a feature of growing up when they did (lingering impacts of the Great Depression and then WW2 rationing) than being rural.

       I will say that I, for the most part, live in a pretty athletic bubble which probably impacts things more than my geography. At least 50% of my family (immediate and extended), family friends, and my friends were college athletes (myself included), and all but a small number of people in my life were at least high school athletes. Even my grandmother, who was born in 1926, was a three sport high school athlete (her dad was a pro athlete!). Most of my friends my age are still training for something at some point if the year (half marathon, triathlon, competitive club sport).

       1. 100 percent agree on Boomers’ weird calorie focus, which was passed down to their kids. I’m a young X’er, and it’s only now (in my 40s) that I’m becoming much more focused on a balanced diet, which includes more protein than my own mom would ever dream of consuming.

          Overall, I have a health-ful diet. But some of those habits I learned in childhood, like having dessert after meals per the family custom, have been so, so hard to break. I don’t think I’ll ever stop craving a cookie after a meal.

          My parents still live on the family farm. They have never worked out in a formal sense, but they are plenty active in their everyday lives. My mom, in particular, can’t sit still and is always puttering around the garden or the yard. They are not sedentary, so I don’t worry about their lack of gym workouts. The idea is kind of ridiculous, actually.

          1. I’m Gen X and I didn’t know counting calories was out of style. I’ve been on a medically supervised weight loss plan for two years now and it’s all about counting calories. It has been the only thing that has really worked for me long-term.

             I think you might be talking about fat-free everything and the idea that that’s gonna cause you to lose weight when in fact all it does is increase the carbohydrates. Like Snackwell cookies. I remember what a big deal they were for my parents generation.

          2. Your focus is based in shifting thinking on nutrition; theirs is based on what the experts offered for years. It’s not surprising that some people have a difficult time shifting to a new paradigm after decades working within different strictures.

       2. Yeah, my dad is a mystery on this front. He goes to like 7 gym classes a week – spin, zumba, pilates, weight lifting – but then drinks Pepsi and eats tons of potato chips. But he went to the doctor for a cardio check and they told him that he has the heart of an athlete at 65, so something must be working.

          1. Hashtag balance?

          2. News flash: less of it is under your control than you all like to think. A lot of is your luck in the genetic lottery.

             1. +1

                Genetics….

             2. Truest thing you’ve ever said S.A. And everything you say is true.

       3. While I generally agree with the commentary about how Boomers eat, as a Gen-X-er/geriatic millenial, I suspect we’ll still be pounding protein when the next wave of eating suggestions hits. It’s just kinda how it works.

       4. My boomer parents and in-laws have some interesting/weird hang-ups about food as well. My parents are terrified of using butter and never got off that 80s “eggs are bad for you” kick. My in-laws are the same way about salt, it’s basically poison to them and they don’t use any seasonings either. I dread meals at their house.

          All of them love fake sugar in stuff like ice cream or coffee. And juice. They love fake (or slightly fake) juice.

   14. Can anyone tell me what a single session at Soul Cycle goes for now? Is it still $30?

   15. So FWIW, I grew up in a blue collar family. My parents both have degrees (dad has a literal blue collar job for which he doesn’t use his degree, my mom is a teacher) but I have plenty of relatives who don’t have degrees. But, we live in the suburbs and rural areas surrounding a major east coast city.

       Everyone I know is active in someway – whether it’s having a physical job like my dad or walking a bunch or actively choosing to work out.

       Most people I know eat decently – they don’t totally abstain from soda or fast food or Twinkie’s but they’re not part of anyone’s regular diet.

   16. You live in a rich bubble.

   17. No. Who exactly do you think is drinking all the soda and eating all the Oreos? One thing people sometimes miss is that a lot of eating behaviors are symptoms of impaired blood glucose control and abnormal insulin production. Many people who have poorly controlled diabetes or prediabetes eat far, far more candy, soft drinks, and desserts than anyone else would even want to; it can be a symptom and also a vicious cycle. It’s currently trendy to push moderation in all things or discourage the idea that any foods need to be avoided altogether, but with sugar, one candy bar in the morning can spike blood glucose, spike insulin, and set someone up on a roller coaster where they’re chasing sugar all day to stay functional. Many people live on this rollercoaster, and outside of your bubble this is also very visible (many people cannot get through a shift at work without multiple snacks). The majority (more than 70%) of Americans are also less physically active than recommendations.

       As for why, it’s not just genetics in that families who never had diabetes in the past have it now, but there are still genetic risk factors, as well as risk factors like pollution. We know that pollution in past generations (including products that are now banned) increased the risk of obesity and diabetes in later generations. (I’ve mentioned that I was just reading about a commonly used herbicide that was recently discovered to block GLP-1 production in the GI system which raised some questions for me!) Pollution can include antibiotics and hormone disrupters. A lot of food additives are microbiome disrupters (this is why they’re starting to go on about “ultra processed” foods as a risk factor for poor health outcomes). But even traditional diets that used to be fine for more people (like eating large amounts of staple grains and enjoying traditional desserts) can be harder on the same people’s grandkids now. This is why a lot of people in your bubble may be counting carbs despite exercising.

   18. Bubble, and also; there’s a lot of people who might say “ugh I need to work out more” but struggle to actually do it. (Time, access to a gym or safe outdoor spaces, work schedules, don’t know how, can’t get medical care for an old injury, just hard to actually decide to do, etc). America has a huge /culture/ of assigning moral value to fitness that crosses a lot of cultural lines

       1. Right. I consider myself to be an active person and prefer home or outdoor workouts over anything I could do at a gym. Because there’s less of a barrier there. This is possible only because I have a big enough home to have some workout equipment AND I live in an area where I generally do not have to worry about my safety.

          Even with all these advantages, there are certain seasons when I am on the STRUGGLE BUS as far as workouts go. Iced-over sidewalks? No thanks, no amount of “proper gear” is gonna protect me from a fall and possible injury. Brutally hot weather when it’s still 90 degrees and humid at 10 pm? Also a no. When I’m already overwhelmed with work, and kids, and other responsibilities and just want to freaking sleep in my limited free time? Well. sue me for choosing sleep when life gets very chaotic.

          I suspect the OP is young and has very few responsibilities other than work.

          1. Prefacing my comment with the fact that I grew up in a blue collar family without money for many extras:

             It’s possible to workout at home without any equipment or much space. For my entire life my mom has started her day with a body weight workout routine for strength training. She eventually got a set of dumbbells and so now she does body weight + weight.

             While yes plenty of lower income areas are unsafe to walk or run in, there are plenty that are safe too. I’m from Delco (think Mare of Easttown) – it’s not particularly nice but it’s plenty safe and plenty of people do walk, run, or bike in the neighborhood or the parks. My mom and her sister (who is also her neighbor) walk almost every night after dinner together.

             I recognize that many people live with a lot less than my family, but it’s still not easy. My dad works 6 days a week, often 10 hour days, in a physical job. My mom is a nurse. We always are home cooked meals because they were cheaper. Lots of very easy, not super exciting meals but everything had a protein and at least one vegetable. As nutrition information became more accessible, my parents adopted it (swapping white rice for brown, ground turkey for ground beef, iceberg lettuce for spring mix). Often dessert was fruit (it was a treat because it’s pricey, but my parents said they’d rather spend money on fruit than junk).

             Also worth nothing that for both of my parents, if they are injured or ill or too unhealthy to work physically demanding jobs then they can’t work. My dad is self employed so if he can’t work he doesn’t get paid. My mom has insurance through work, but that only lasts so long. She could maybe find a less demanding nursing job, but she has her AS not a BSN so it’s harder to get hired now without the BSN.

             1. An aside: My sister’s employer paid for her to do an online (except for a few days) RN to BSN degree. It has opened her career options significantly. Those 12 hour ER shifts on her feet were physically hard.

   19. I agree that it’s a bubble, one that I enjoy living in, but do people in lower income areas just not know the risks of a poor diet, not exercising and not wearing sunscreen? You can certainly drink water instead of soda and buy a cheap pair of sneakers to run a few times a week or get free yoga classes on YouTube. As far as time, I assure you the WFH lawyer is not attending an 8am workout class. I’m WFH 99% of the time but still wake up at 5 or 6 to go to a 6 or 7 workout class.

       1. Jesus christ what even is this comment

       2. Okay, good for you that you wake up at 5 am to workout, but do you ever consider the other comforts you have that make that tenable?

          What about the insane marketing dollars that go into convincing people to buy and consume fast food?

          It seems you want the answer to be “other people are just dumb” but that is not the case.

       3. This sounds pretty condescending. There is probably a slice of the population who genuinely does not know, who is not consuming health information in their filter bubble. There is probably a group who are generally aware but don’t care (definitely some toxic masculinity my-body-doesn’t-need-sunscreen types), and there is a third group that knows x choice would be better but they don’t have the energy to make that choice and add guilt over this to their other stressors. I imagine that third group is pretty big. Do you never make choices that prevent you from the optimal life? Waste money on frivolity? Waste time arguing on an online message board? You could have used that time to exercise, don’t you know?

          1. The entire premise of this thread is extremely condescending. I really want to sentence OP to a year in the rural suburbs.

       4. You could have just posted “I am virtuous and smart and have lots of money” and saved yourself entire minutes of typing.

          1. But then, what would anyone post about on here? That’s every single day.

             1. Lol. But yes.

       5. Yeah – I’m a white collar city dweller now but my roots are hardscrabble blue collar. My dad worked 6 days a week at a physical job and but cooked healthy enough meals (he worked early shifts so was home before my mom so was the primary cook). My childhood meals are never gonna be Instagram-able and they aren’t the absolute healthiest but they’re not unhealthy: chicken (bought in bulk while on sale) + rice (cheap in bulk!) + frozen steamed veggies in all forms (baked chicken, casseroles, soup, stir fry) was the mainstay of my childhood dinners. It was either quick or “set it and forget it” and healthy enough and cheap.

          Frozen veggies are cheaper than fresh and very easy. Ground beef can easily be subbed with ground turkey for a healthier cheap cut of meat. My parents never once bought white bread – whole wheat only – it’s the same price but a healthier swap. Now with the popularity of brown rice and whole grain of chickpea pasta, that’s also an easy swap for a quick and healthy enough meal. Oatmeal is super cheap (top with frozen fruit + peanut butter to bulk it up) . If we ever made soup or a casserole, we’d double the recipe and freeze the rest to have a quick dinner on a busy night. Homemade can be easy and quick (or hands off – like the crockpot) but is usually cheaper than processed, store bought equivalents (like crockpot soup made with leftovers or scraps vs canned soup).

          As mentioned, my dad’s job was physical so he didn’t officially workout but he would do yard work (our yard + his parents’), play in the yard with us kids, coaching little league, or play in his rec softball league with friends. My mom was an elementary school teacher (so on her feet a lot, but not necessarily physical) and worked out at home for free – 10ish minutes of sit ups, push-ups, and squats in the morning + an after dinner walk every night. She also coached and reffed sports for the district for extra money.

       6. Consider that a lot of people in “lower income areas” feel like garbage all the time? Noise pollution, light pollution, pollution pollution, and food quality are all different. I think everyone can appreciate that when stress sources and goals are very short term, planning can be too. How do I get through today. How do I get through next week. Higher income people may justify an energy drink or a Starbucks concoction if they’re particularly tired or really need to finish something short term, right? What if that kind of short term stress is never lifted? People buy the sneakers and go on walks but they don’t feel any different and don’t lose any weight, so they’re discouraged. Or they actually feel worse, from allergies and asthmas, or harassment, or having to pull off ticks.

       7. Junk food is a lot cheaper per calorie. I think that’s a big reason why lower income people eat more of it.

       8. Congrats on being better than everyone else!

          Seriously, you really, really aren’t getting it.

       9. Do people in higher income areas just not know that a lot of under resourced public schools have struck deals with candy and soda companies to come sell sugary treats directly to kids as an obligatory class time break?

       10. I’m sure this is really comforting to the single mom struggling to work 12 hour days at an Amazon warehouse or whatever to put food on the table.

       11. Congrats on being perfect. No amount of health will teach you empathy apparently.

       12. because…most people do not want to wake up at 5 or 6 to go work out? And/or they can’t because they have, oh idk, children to take care of, or other obligations? You do you but you sound you’d be really difficult to get along with in real life.

       13. You know who is ignorant? You. You are ignorant. You are ignorant about so much that I don’t care to wish to spend the time listing all of the things. And you know what is not virtuous? Being ignorant in the way you are, when you have every opportunity not to be but instead choose to be judgmental. You know what also is not virtuous? Being judgmental. And you know what else I know about you based one what you have revealed in your posts? I know that you are not a very moral or giving person, and also self-centered, because a moral and giving person, with any interest in other people, would have taken all of that privilege you have and spent some time giving back, which would require you to bump up against people outside of your bubble. But you clearly haven’t. So I know you are ignorant, judgmental, self-centered, and immoral. Unfortunately, you will be one more ignorant, judgmental, self-centered, and immoral person who may spend a long time on this earth because you eat your vegetables.

           1. Yup.

       14. Holy hell, this is some ignorant, sanctimonious shit.

       15. What is wrong with you? How are so many educated women this clueless about why people make different “choices?” How much we exercise and what we eat are tied to trauma, culture, family genetics, and mental health. Stop judging under the guise of concern. IT IS GROSS.

   20. My circle is almost a perfect 50/50 split between white collar and couples with a man with a blue collar job married to a woman with a pink collar job. I also have a lot of people in my circles (of any color collar) who have either active jobs (physical therapist, construction) and/or jobs where there are obstacles to eating lunch (no fridge access, on the road eating while driving between job sites or patient visits).

       That being said – everyone is active in someway. Some people go to Pilates class, some have physical jobs (mailman, waitress, military officer, PE and health teacher, firefighter, nurse), some just do lots of yard work and walk a lot, some run on their own.

       Most people I know eat decently well but not perfectly. No one eats fast food regularly, my facilities /maintenance worker dad rails against soda, white bread or rice and artificial sweeteners. We probably all (the surgeons and engineers as well as the mechanics) drink too much as our vice, but in my circle no one smokes, everyone wears sunscreen, and people are both active and eat decently.

   21. I mean I workout for an hour ~6 days a week and track my macros and eat 5-6 servings of fruits and veggies a day but I also end every. single. day. with a glass of wine and a few Oreos.

       I’m not prediabetic yet but I’m close and literally every relative on my mom’s side of the family is thanks to some great genes. No one is overweight, everyone’s mostly health conscious and yet we’re still prediabetic.

   22. Wow. Okay so many of these comments are making huge assumptions about lower class folks that I find kind of shocking. While I have a cushy desk job now, my whole family is blue collar and I worked my way up from a blue collar job to a white collar one.

       Plenty of non-wealthy, non-educated people who work long hours and have a lot on their plate can still care about being healthy. You don’t need a ton of time or money to be healthy.

       I’m offended by all of the presumably wealthy, coastal people jumping down OPs throat to explain that the working class folks couldn’t possibly. Sure the OP lives in a bubble, but so do the people who are telling her she must live in a bubble because of course the working class don’t have time, money, access, or knowledge to eat vegetables or go for a walk.

       Have you ever actually met the working class? We’re not a monolith and plenty of folks do take the time to be healthy (and frankly, it’s not much more time or money if you do it right).

       A lot of working class people have physical jobs (aka my entire family), so they understand that in order to keep working til old age (we don’t retire in our 60s because we can’t afford to), we need to take care of our bodies and thus we try, and often succeed, in making healthy choices. Physical jobs wear you down faster than desk jobs, so being healthy is even more important.

       1. I grew up on food stamps, and my single mom tried really hard to stretch those coupons (yes, pre-EBT cards, it was actual coupons) to buy chicken and so many boiled vegetables. But sometimes it was just cheaper to buy the $10 Taco Bell bean burrito family box or whatever. In the 80s and 90s, junk food/fast food definitely was cheaper than it is now. She didn’t let us drink soda, only lemonade from fast food which was basically sugar water, and we also drank those frozen “orange juice” cans that you mixed with water, or Tang. She thought all that was healthier than soda. None of us were overweight, but I can guarantee we weren’t that healthy either. I was regularly anemic in middle and high school.

          1. Ah… the frozen orange juice cans. I remember.

             1. I very much have a soft spot for the frozen guava ones, they were like 20 cents more expensive than orange and a special treat for being good when “helping” with the shopping run.

       2. We aren’t generalizing to say “all,” but trying to educate the OP on the realities that are well-documented by research.

          And yes, I grew up in a blue-collar family, and mine sounds a lot like yours in terms of paying attention to health. You’re also making some gross generalizations.

       3. If the shoe doesn’t fit, don’t wear it. Of course lots of working class people have healthy lifestyle habits. OP was specifically asking about people who don’t.

       4. “I’m offended by all of the presumably wealthy, coastal people jumping down OPs throat to explain that the working class folks couldn’t possibly.”

          And I’m offended by your deliberate misrepresentations. No one is saying that they “can’t possibly.” People are just trying to point out to OP that barriers exist that she doesn’t see, in response to her question why they do not. OP assumes there are no good reasons why someone doesn’t work out or eat healthy and everyone who fails to do so is either ignorant, uncreative, hedonistic, or lazy. She’s getting push back on these assumptions. That’s all.

   23. I think most American parents consider their health and that of their kids when making activity and food choices. Parents with extremely limited resources also make daily, difficult saftey choices which most of us do not. Playing, walking, being active outside just isn’t the free, safe option for everyone in the US. And as other posters mentioned, fresh, heathy food is more expensive which expense hits a low income family harder.
       One of the things which really frustrates me is that our free and reduced-priced school meal program is failing our kids by not providing better, more heathy choices as an example and a pattern for better eating. Yes, it is great that kids are being fed at school – 100%. But we are feeding them junk, contributing to their health problems, then criticizing them for being overweight and unhealthy. All while praising ourselves for feeding poor kids.
       Montgomery County, Maryland, is one of the highest earning counties in the US. Sample menu items for MCPS this week (menu available online) – i) belgian waffle with syrup and apple juice; 2) mini pancakes with syrup and orange juice; 3) chicken bb sandwhich with corn; 4) chicken bites with orange sauce, veg rice. The menu isn’t bad, but it’s the highly processed, highly sugared foods we’re constantly told leads to health issues. MCPS is representative of what schools across the country feed our kids.

       1. Right. Sure it’s healthy to go for a walk after dinner. But not if you might get shot while doing it. Health priorities look very different for different families. Junk food is healthier than no food at all.

       2. Wow. I’m in the rural Midwest and our school lunch is quite a bit healthier than that. There’s pizza, chicken fingers, quesadillas and stuff like that – it definitely caters to the stereotypical picky American kid diet. But there isn’t so much excess sugar, and no juice. I thought there were federal school lunch guidelines and it doesn’t sound like this menu would meet them.

          1. My kid’s school uses syrup with fake sugar to meet the federal school lunch guidelines, which seems worse than actual sugar.

             1. I’m right there with you. I’m not one of those “we ought to do everything like the French” but they seem to have no problem with cane sugar and giving kids candy fairly often.

       3. Yup, we are in a rich Boston suburb with a nationally recognized school system and tons of money to dump into the district. Our lunch menu looks like yours except it’s always milk, never juice.

       4. I grew up in MoCo and the quality of the food served in the cafeteria was pretty bad to begin with. Of the classmates who bought lunch on-site, the most popular item was Boardwalk fries dipped in mayonnaise.

   24. Your friends must all be rich and childless if they all work out daily.

       1. I mean plenty of middle class people with kids in my life workout 4-5x a week.

          An hour long barre class at a boutique studio? No
          A 15 min free YouTube workout video done after the kids are in bed? Yes

          1. Yeah I don’t think you need to be rich and childless to work out regularly. I’m a middle class mom and most of my mom friends work out regularly. Not Soul Cycle or anything fancy though; just the local Y and stuff like that.

          2. Yea I used to just buy a $15 DVD or video to work out at home. Working out doesn’t have to be expensive and you can do it at home for safety reasons.

          3. Are these people in two-income households without hired help? Between work and cooking dinner and shuttling kids everywhere, I just don’t have the time or energy to get up at 5:00 a.m. or work out at 10:00 p.m.

             1. I’m the 11:45 poster, and yes most of the people I was referring to are in two income families without hired help beyond daycare or school and aftercare. Lots of people (including me) who work from home and work out during the work day. Lots of people work out after kids go to bed, either at home or taking turns with a partner so they can go to the gym. Lots of people put their kids in the gym childcare after school or on the weekends and work out at the gym. Our local gym is not fancy or expensive, but has included childcare so it’s pretty convenient for families.

             2. Yup. No hired help. I do *something* every day, even if it’s 5 minutes but I aim for 20-30 minutes. I have a few dumbbells, one kettle bell, and a walking pad.

                When kids were younger and needed much more hand holding, the 5-7:30 period was a SLOG but then after they were in bed I’d take 5 mins to tidy up and then 5-30 mins to exercise. Now they’re older evenings are more on autopilot I have more time.

                Sometimes I do something stupid like okay I’m unloading the dishwasher, I put all the plates away then do 5 squats then put the bowls away and do 5 more squats. Or, as I do my morning routine: brush teeth + 5 squats, wash face + 5 bicep curls, etc.

                If I’m on the carpool for sports, I’ll walk or jog at the field.

                I don’t watch TV until I’ve done something that counts as moving my body beyond what I’d normally do.

             3. I am in that situation, but I work out at 8:30/9PM most nights or when my kids watch tv.

   25. Statistically, obviously not. Sounds like you live in a pretty nice bubble!

   26. I have come to believe that most people are not making an effort.

       I used to think of myself as a reasonably healthy person. I try to walk 2-4 miles a day, I lift light weights, nothing intense or high impact. I have an exercise bike I use infrequently. I try to eat whole foods, but I drink everything, eat everything, and indulge regularly.

       Through dating especially, I have come to understand that my lifestyle actually has more in common with my IronMan brother than with most people. And it is not about money; I am meeting some very affluent men that are obese or morbidly so and they think they are “mostly healthy” because they are comparing themselves to *their* brother that needed quad-bypass surgery in his 30s. Since they can walk a mile if they have to, they think they are healthy. They are “naturally bigger” so they can drink 4 double-margaritas in a sitting and what do you mean that’s a lot on a Tuesday? They stuff their kids with the worst of processed foods, order DoorDash at all hours (including fancy Starbucks blended drinks for small kiddos before school). It is wild.

       1. I know a lot of people like this. In some cases I know that they historically their families transitioned straight from having an actual cook to convenience eating. They never really learned how to cook, so they rely very heavily on takeout and frozen entrees. They’re also just not home all that much, so a lot of meals are fast food picked up on the road. Every day is a full schedule of activities and entertainment and shopping. It’s a whole culture.

          1. Yeah, the people I am describing are good to excellent cooks. They say they do not have time to cook, but they have seen every movie ever made – to the extent of being the local movie theater’s #1 customer so they get free popcorn and soda at every visit. Every night is movie night, so they don’t have time to take a walk after dinner. They even hire dog walkers for their dogs, rather than ask older kiddos to put down the virtual reality helmet for 20 minutes to walk the dog.

             None of the middle class families I know eat or live like this. Living to excess takes serious money.

             1. Well they don’t have time if they’re too busy having a blast! I think I never enjoyed fun, fun, fun as much as some people do.

             2. Yeah I have hobbies but I pretty much don’t watch TV which means there’s time to cook or workout in my evenings.

                If anyone says they can’t do that but watches tv after work then they’re just looking for excuses.

       2. I agree – plenty of people who are able to make healthier choices and don’t for convenience, laziness, fun, what have you.

          I’m not the picture of health, but I don’t watch TV until I’ve worked out and I don’t eat dessert until I’ve had 3 servings of veggies a day. It’s not perfect but it helps.

   27. Honestly, no. Not most Americans. I think plenty of people TRY to watch their weight and/or get some exercise, but there are lots and lots of people with long commutes and exhausting jobs that don’t do much of either because they have so little leisure time. Also, food is pleasurable. Lots of Americans don’t drink or drink very sporadically (especially women), but everyone has to eat food every day. A stack of Oreos tastes better than the kind of crummy apple you can buy at a lot of big box stores. A Happy Meal gets a kid a toy and a nice safe, clean-ish place to play along with a lunch they actually finished.

       To be frank, some of it is generational in my experience. I’m a youngish GenX and most of my friends and family members who are around my age do some sort of exercise routine. But there are only 1-2 people in my parents’ generation (out of about a dozen) who do anything resembling exercise.

       1. Let’s be real – it’s easier to work out in your 30s/40s than it is when you get older too. Your body doesn’t recover as quickly and it’s just harder (joint pain, etc.). It’s not surprising there are more people working out that are Gen X than boomers.

          1. It depends on what you consider working out. For intense workouts, maybe, but the people I know who walk the most are all 60+…because they have the time!

          2. Yeah but most older adults I know never worked out, even when they were 30-40

             1. Yeah, my in-laws and my dad never, ever worked out.

             2. I think this varies within every generation. My maternal grandmother and grandfather worked blue-collar jobs with a lot of physical labor but did not “exercise.” My maternal grandmother practiced yoga and my paternal grandfather was a triathlete. My mother took ballet or aerobics five days a week. My 90-year-old FIL with limited mobility walks 2-3 miles a day and my 80-year-old MIL does some Orangetheory clone and golfs several times a week.

   28. I dunno, looking at young lawyers I think most of them are skipping workouts and eating takeout for every meal.

   29. I want to be clear that while once you have prediabetes or type 2 diabetes, lifestyle and health choices can help manage these conditions, the idea that lifestyle and health choices caused them in the first place is outdated (so “these conditions are only growing” doesn’t have much to do with people’s efforts). I found this old blog post helpful when I was dealing with a new prediabetes diagnosis: https://www.bloodsugar101.com/the-real-causes-of-type-2-diabetes

   30. I just returned from a work trip to France. I always like to walk through supermarkets when I’m visiting a foreign country. In almost every country, basic food products cost way les than the US, even in major cities. Why is that??? A fresh baguette is .50 euro in France, Portugal, etc. In the US, it’s around $3 at Trader Joe’s. Ditto for apples, milk, etc.

       1. You also have to look at salaries. Your salary in America is likely much higher than the equivalent salary in these places.

   31. Ok so a lot of pushback against people who can’t, but what about those who could but don’t? I know bodies and diets and exercise aren’t moral issues but maybe they should be if you’re capable and adequately resourced and still choose to not take care of yourself.

       Like my aunt and uncle are married with shared finances. They mostly eat out or eat semi prepped stuff at home. They eat together but totally different things, he never touches desserts, simple carbs or red meat (eats a lot of fish with veggies), and she pretty much just eats fried chicken sandwiches, burgers, and the like.

       They’re both retired now, but he worked FT and she was either a SAHM or worked 10-20 hours / week. They had a weekly house cleaner, he did all yard work and laundry. One kid, who is an adult but didn’t do activities as a kid and took the bus to school (so limited driving). My uncle works out ~ 5 hours a week both at home and at the gym they both belong to. She is almost morally opposed to exercise (has been to their gym once, her best friend lives two blocks away and she drives there, refuses to take the stairs if there’s an elevator).

       She now has pre diabetes and is shocked. And is mad that no one pities her.

       1. A third of adult Americans have either type 2 diabetes or prediabetes, including people who lived more like your uncle. It sounds like she’ll have to change some of her ways now, and yeah that may be hard for her to do. It sounds like you dislike her and resent a lot of her life choices, but I wonder what went into them. She’s just so selfish and lazy? It’s not like taking the elevator is some kind of treat.

          1. I mean having known her for 35 years, yes pretty much she’s that selfish and lazy. And that extends to much of her life beyond diet and exercise. Maybe she’s a bad example, but I know plenty of people like her with enough money or time or resources to make better decisions who just don’t.

             1. I know a lot of people who didn’t have character flaws but prioritized something else. A lot of times, Mom is the one who cooked for the family and didn’t want to subject everyone else to her restricted diet or to cook double meals, so she never really followed the restricted diet she was supposed to. Some people got bad advice and followed it (like a strong emphasis on a low fat diet that inadvertently led to eating way more carbs). Some people developed an eating disorder and had to stop restricting (though maybe they could have followed a healthy diet with better healthcare support). And I know many, many, many people who just gave in to social pressure to eat normally, a lot like how people have quit masking despite the cardiovascular risks of repeat COVID infections.

          2. Wow I didn’t know that many people had type 2 or prediabetes . Are people not horrified by this statistic?!?

             1. People are horrified! I think that’s probably part what the family medicine doctor was originally talking about. Here are the latest CDC stats: https://www.cdc.gov/diabetes/php/data-research/index.html

             2. Thanks for sharing. Unfortunately I hadn’t heard much of this, despite knowing people with type 2 diabetes / pre diabetes who unfortunately have had a rough go of it.

                I guess slow burn epidemics like this get less attention because when thinking of the widespread, long lasting impacts of this it’s just as bad as COVID. Yet, there are no widespread public health initiatives to get people to make better food / exercise choices.

       2. Amen to this.

          Saw my ex-MIL lose all 3 of her brothers before 55. Leaving 3 widows and 11 orphaned children under the age of 13. The entire extended family was affluent. It was actually my ex-husband that came to resent the heck out of his uncles for choosing red meat, sugar, and alcohol over their families. Over time I came to agree with him.

          No, you are not a good husband or father if you live like this. You are abandoning your family. And probably degrading their futures by teaching them similar habits.

          1. This. It’s selfish.

          2. You should read about the ACES study before you make any more stupid assumptions about people being selfish. Trauma impacts choices.

       3. Yeah, there are people like that. My mother eats well (lots of veggies, low carb). But then she does Whole 30 and constantly “cheats” on it. To hear her talk, she was always an athlete; in reality, she was always too lazy to go for a run (she didn’t have custody and worked a 9-5). She says she does all these workouts; she never does.

          She now has pre-diabetes and heart problems. No one explained to her that posturing about her health doesn’t make her healthy. She needs to do the hard work every day.

       4. I mean, if it’s surprising to you that some people (myself included) do make selfish choices sometimes, I’d like to know how to get into your bubble!

          But, I am not responsible for other people’s moral choices, so I don’t spend too much mental energy stressing over them

          1. The OP is selfish, just in a different way.

   32. Honestly I don’t get how people afford to only eat processed crap. I eat pretty healthy but occasionally want a treat but it’s way too expensive for me! McDonald’s, soda, chips, ice cream etc are way more than healthier options!!!

       1. Not really — I think it seems expensive if you’re used to preparing all your meals at home, but that’s not the situation for most people eating at McDs. You can feed a family of 4 for about $25 at McD’s and other fast food places. It’s hard to do that at any other non-pizza restaurant these days. Fresh produce at the grocery store is very expensive. My daughter and husband really love fruit and we spend a lot of money on it (I think at least $30-50/week on it) for what amounts to very little actual sustenance.

          1. Not that a lean cuisine is much better than McDonalds, but it’s like 1/3 of the price of it! And at least has a vegetable in it

             1. Are they equally filling though?

             2. I mean McD’s is my once a month guilty pleasure and it’s not very filling either

             3. A Big Mac is way more filling than a Lean Cuisine (and cheaper where I live).

          2. Hahaha no way can you feed a family of four for $25 at McDonald’s anymore. A Big Mac meal at my local McD’s in a LCOL area is $9.19 before taxes and a Happy Meal is $4.69. For two adults, one big kid eating a Big Mac, and one little kid eating a Happy Meal, it would be $35.49 including taxes.

             1. This! McDonald’s is expensiveeee now

             2. Sure but you don’t get whatever you want, like random separate meals and Happy Meals when you’re getting fast food because it’s cheap? You get the 4 for $4 deal at Wendy’s or whatever the best deal in the McDs app is (and the app deals are a lot cheaper than the menu items)

             3. I don’t believe you live in a LCOL area if a Big Mac is $9+!! I just checked the app and it’s $4.69 at my local McDonald’s, and $4.19 in my more rural hometown. A Lean Cuisine at the grocery store costs more (and is much less filling).

                I also agree poor families aren’t getting their top choice meal, they get whatever’s on sale. McDonald’s constantly has promotions where you can get like 50 chicken nuggets for $12 or something like that. My family of 4 can definitely eat there for <$25 which we can’t do at any other non-fast food restaurant, except a couple of cheap pizza places.

             4. a big mac MEAL is $9+, per the previous commenter, not the big mac itself.

   33. So one thing I think that’s great is that many, but sadly not all, federal agencies give their employees 3 hours a week for fitness time. I wish more employers did things like this to incentivize fitness during the day.

       1. Besides defense agencies, do any others do this? I’ve never heard of a non-defense agency doing it

          1. not most federal agencies, just the ones that have large numbers of certain types of federal employees.

   34. So one thing I don’t think is acknowledged enough is that yes, a lot of this is genetic. However, genetic factors make you more predisposed to something, they don’t guarantee that you’ll develop pre diabetes or high blood pressure or something. There’s still wiggle room for personal choices to impact your ability to develop these conditions. Even among people who are predisposed to things, some people may have to work harder at it than others.

       For example, my 2 sisters and I are predisposed to being pre diabetic. As a 20 something athlete who was very careful with what I ate, my fasting glucose was in the high 90s, and my sisters were similar. There were many, many people in my family who were pre diabetic or had type 2 diabetes. We took 3 different paths:
       Eldest sister is so careful. Basically never eats things with added sugar, doesn’t even eat most fruits due to sugar contents. Has dessert like once a month. Follows a pretty strict Mediterranean diet, exercises (cardio, lifting, and yoga) 6 days a week. Is late 60s and has held off the prediabetes.

       Middle sister has legitimately never once exercised in her life and pretty much exclusively eats premade convenience foods. Never cooks (her oven broke years ago and she never got it fixed). She’s been obese since our 20s. She has prediabetes and is on ozempic.

       I’m the youngest and I would say I eat clean 85% of the time and I work out (running and lifting) 4-5x a week. I’m pre diabetic.

   35. At a coastal beach town now where most Americans cannot afford to rent nor buy. Guess who’s here….lots of overweight affluent people! It’s not rich or poor that’s unhealthy and don’t watch weight or metabolic health….it’s all income and class levels. Take care of yourself people!

       1. Statistically obesity is very correlated to class. The plural of anecdote is not data. Also not sure why you assume everyone vacationing in a fancy resort town is rich. I know a shocking number of lower middle class people who drained their savings for a $10k week at Disney; I don’t see why a beach resort would be different.

   36. Ok try to think outside your bubble. Say you’re a high school educated central California mom of two toddlers who finally got a job as a medical assistant by going to one of those private colleges where you could get it done in a year. They didn’t tell you how much it would cost exactly, they just said it wouldn’t cost you anything while you were going, and now you have $20,000 in student loans. But you had to do it because you couldn’t find childcare that worked with your hours at Target, which were evenings and weekends. Sometimes your kids’ father’s mom will watch the kids, but she got mad at you for insisting he pay child support (which he doesn’t) and now she won’t watch them anymore.

       So now you have this good job, your family home daycare starts at 7:30 and you have to be in the door at work and ready to go by 8:00. You get a one hour break for lunch but it usually gets squeezed, there’s nothing within walking distance of the office, so you have to get in your car and drive somewhere, and the only way to make it in time is a McDonald’s drive-thru, where you order from the value meal because you’re tight on funds, your credit card is maxed out, and you don’t get paid until next week. You get the full sugar Coca-Cola because you need that energy to get through the rest of your workday, and anyway, the largest size is basically the same price as the smallest size.

       You pick your kids up at 5:30 and they’re tired and cranky and hungry and you can’t face the idea of taking them into a store of any sort to get them something to eat. You have $15 and you know that you can get food that will shut them up and fill their bellies at the Jack in the Box drive thru for less than $15, so you do it. You can’t go grocery shopping until next week and all you have at home is some condiments in the fridge, milk, some generic brand cereal, and some juice packets your kids’ grandma got them from Costco before she got mad at you.

       Your excellent for your area salary is $34,000 before taxes, because you took that medical assistant program. But it took a year to find a job after it finished. Your rent is $1300 a month after they just raised it this year because they said inflation. Your family home daycare is close to $1000 a month, which you pay in weekly installments because you can’t afford to pay that much ahead of time. You have to drive to work and gas keeps getting more expensive, your 2015 car just broke down again which is why your credit card is maxed out. You’re not going to have more than $100 or so for food for the next couple of weeks. So you eat and feed your kids the cheapest things you can find.

       You do not go to Soul Cycle at 6AM. You’ve heard of Soul Cycle but that seems like fantasyland from where you’re sitting. Your exercise for the day is walking from parking lots to buildings and then walking up and down the corridor at work, then wrangling two toddlers into the bath and then into bed. You fall asleep the moment your head hits the pillow, though you have indigestion from the soda and the greasy food. And you know the whole thing starts again tomorrow. You do not beat yourself up for “only one hour on the treadmill” because treadmills are in gyms and the idea of joining one and having time and money for that may as well be in outer space.

       1. Don’t forget that you live in a small apartment with thin walls and even if doing a home workout in the middle of the one small empty area in your home wouldn’t wake up the kids, one of whom may share your room, it will annoy a neighbor.

   37. Obviously yes you live in a bubble if you think everyone else lives in the same conditions as you.

   38. The processed food that is pushed on us and specifically toward the lower middle class and those in poverty is filled with high fructose corn syrup and other garbage. Add that when we are tired, we more easily gravitate toward carbs that are fast and easy to digest. It takes money, energy and time to ensure that we have access to healthy fruits, veggies, and nuts all day. It is hard to imagine that you have never heard of a food desert.

       1. Of course OP has heard of a food desert. She just doesn’t understand why anyone would live in one.

   39. A big part of “why” also is about the food in grocery stores. Fast food isn’t the only shift happening. In fact, I think the bigger change is additives and processed food. Big Food doesn’t get nearly the attention it should. A soda now and then is nothing compared with sweeteners in all types of foods that didn’t used to get sweetened. So many chemicals now changing generations of palettes.

       1. It is getting more and more difficult to find ingredients for actual cooking, even in the fancy grocery stores. I now have to go to the Asian market half an hour away to buy basic seasonings like mirin and sambal oelek that just two or three years ago I could get at Publix and even Walmart. White whole wheat flour, cake flour, and many varieties of pasta have disappeared. Only the most basic of produce is available; I haven’t seen rhubarb or fresh tarragon since 2021. The grocery stores are full of cake mixes, weird prebiotic sodas, and junky plastic housewares, not actual groceries.

7. The cricket world cup is happening! I tried to learn about it once and failed, but I did learn that the matches can last for days (!) and that they do break for snacks. What is a good source to try again on this?

   1. ESPN or cricinfo. And its only test cricket that lasts for days, the World Cup uses a shorter format of the game.

   2. BBC Sport online has a fantastic cricket explainer

   3. Cricket matches can last for five days or one day or half a day based on the format. I’d suggest picking a T20 match to watch, that’s what’s being played in the US now.

8. We talk here about DSM labels (BPD, NPD, etc.) and also various neurodivergencies that affect how people deal with others. I don’t know if psychology as a discipline ever comes down and says anything like “this person is just a jerk”, but I’ve been thinking about it due to a sibling who always brings the drama. Like whatever else she may have going on, being mean to everyone seems to be her default and clearly acts to hurt other people. Anything else may explain things, but it doesn’t excuse them in an adult who otherwise lives independently, has kids, has a job, isn’t an addict, etc.

   1. Unpopular opinion but I think some people are definitely trying to use diagnoses, real or not, to get what they want. My best friend is a supervisor and a long-time problem employee who is always extremely pushy and demanding is claiming to have “time blindness” due to ADHD and to need an alternative working schedule, which doesn’t work for that industry. Her previous attempts to get the schedule she wanted fail.

      1. +1

      2. Oof, I said something about a concern about bullying in a school group chat and was told bullying wasn’t a thing. The person who said it to me is a drama llama so I just muted the chat, but … yes, the behaviour might be a manifestation of additional support needs/MH, but my kid is still the one being slammed up against the wall and experiencing it as bullying.

         1. This is my biggest pet peeve with our public schools. My friend who teaches an inclusion class says that her non-disabled students have been indoctrinated to believe they have no rights. The disabled kids will touch the non-disabled kids without consent and the non-disabled kids think they are not allowed to say “no” because “they can’t help it.” Another teacher friend sent a kid to the office for attacking another student and he was sent straight back to class with a new fidget toy. At my daughter’s elementary school there was a kid in another class who regularly threw chairs. Instead of sending the kid to the alternative school, the school developed a “safety plan” whereby the rest of the kids were removed from the classroom whenever the kid had an outburst. I think “least restrictive environment” has been interpreted far too broadly. When the “right” of one child to engage in dangerous behavior infringes upon the rights of other children to be safe and not to have their education interrupted, a line needs to be drawn. What about the “least restrictive environment” for the other 24 kids in the class? Furthermore, the phrase “least restrictive environment” implies that sometimes some restrictions are necessary–not that the environment can never be restricted.

            1. I strongly believe that inclusion is being touted by school districts because it’s cheaper to have one-on-one aides sit with kids in regular classes than to have enough special education teachers to teach kids who have significant disabilities or behavior problems.

            2. I totally agree with you on the mess which is public school inclusion classes. My kids were in the inclusion class as the disabled children and I hated it because you have one teacher trying to teach a bunch of kids with a wide variety of needs that no one teacher can possibly teach to. They didn’t cut the class size down or try and homogenize the class at all. It was awful for everyone and its why I refuse to send my special needs kids to public school.

            3. As the kid who had outlier educational needs, I absolutely did not want to be mainstreamed; it’s a mess. And when all outliers are put it into the same special needs classroom, that is even more of a mess; I don’t know what teachers are supposed to do!

         2. My kid told off a kid who had repeatedly bullied her. Guess who got called into the principal’s office for “bullying?”

   2. I have a sibling with severe mental illness, but long before he was ever diagnosed – going back to when he was a tiny child – he was a massive jerk, liar, manipulative, etc. I wonder if that was mental illness manifesting at a very young age? Or is he just a crappy person? I don’t know.

      1. I think some of the personality disorders were supposed to be psychology’s attempt to explain why some people are manipulative, dishonest jerks (that’s why they went with the language of “disordered personalities” rather than illness). It’s unfortunate though when someone who actually has trauma or ASD is diagnosed with a personality disorder that implies an accusation (of manipulation, etc.).

         1. +1 to your first sentence. The problem is that putting it in the DSM as a “personality disorder” somehow seems to legitimate and excuse it. Nope, people with personality disorders are just … bad people. Very different from a genuine mental illness.

            1. this is a weird take. take NPD for example — those people are 100% jerks but they are also 100% mentally ill and incapable of changing. how is it different from a genuine mental illness, aside from the fact that you feel more empathy or pity for people with other mental illnesses and not for people with NPD?

            2. NPD is a moral defect. Bipolar disorder and ADHD, for example, are not.

            3. Personality disorders are about how the person views and treats other people, generally as objects to be manipulated for their own gain. People with mental illnesses might treat others poorly as a side effect, but not because they see others as of less intrinsic worth than themselves (unless they have a personality disorder in addition to the mental illness).

            4. NPD really isn’t a mental illness like depression or bipolar or schizophrenia. It is not treated with medications. It’s a pitiable way of relating to oneself and the world, but empathy and pity can honestly be risky. I would genuinely be careful with this because people who have NPD are currently trying to water down its definition to obscure warnings about how to stay safe from them (applying NPD to any sort of bad behavior whatsoever so that it’s not clear what NPD even is) while also cultivating the idea that warning people about how to stay safe from people with NPD is ableism or sanism.

               At the same time, anyone diagnosed with NPD in a voluntary mental health setting was probably misdiagnosed and the warnings don’t apply. Seeking out mental healthcare is a sign someone doesn’t have NPD. An exception may be couples counseling but only because the odds are high they can turn it to their advantage.

      2. Same here. I think with my sibling that bipolar either makes her horrible nature more prominent, or it’s a borderline personality disorder overlapping with bipolar situation.

         Eventually, I just don’t care. She has been taught right from wrong; she reads books and sees movies with decent moral messaging; she’s choosing to act badly. How you think is how you think; how you act is within your control.

   3. I have two children diagnosed with ASD. With my son it was extremely obvious from 9 months there was a problem. With my daughter it wasn’t so clear until she started PreK and her teacher was floored she could read but had no game when it came to getting along with others or following the class structure.

      Parenting my children is not easy because some things are because of their disorder and some things are because they are kids. I do get it wrong sometimes. I’ve also had my fair share of crazy therapists who do not help the cause by focusing on the disability and not how to navigate the world. I tell my children all the time the world will not change for you so you have to learn how to function and navigate. I also tell them they are very lucky to know how they find life harder. Now they know the source of the problem its on them, with my help, to find ways to succeed despite having this handicap.

      I do get very frustrated by the huge volume of children with an ADD diagnosis. My kids have ADD and I managed to get to 5th grade before starting medication. It wasn’t easy but a mix of daily structure, omegas, a very clean diet and exercise have made it possible. My kids are awake by 6am and I take them on a 5km (3 mile) run in the morning before school. If your child has attention issues try this first and remove all processed crap from their diet. Yes its more work but you will see a huge difference in your child. My son is on a high fat, high protein diet and its done wonders for his ASD issues. My other two children eat a regular diet but it includes very limited processed foods. It is shocking so much medication is prescribed to children as young as 6. Sure, there will be children who need it, but it should be the exception, not the norm and therapy, where parents are helped with diet and exercise for their child, should be provided first for 6 months. The quick action of prescribing medication for ADD also sets the stage for people not being held accountable for their behavior.

      Signed by a mother who told her kids jerk is a fine word to use someone who isn’t a nice person. Don’t use dick, use jerk or, if you must, use prick.

      1. If diet helps this much with ADD there may be medical comorbidity there that is being missed and neglected. Food doesn’t change someone’s ADD status, but it can affect blood sugar, histamines, and vitamin status.

         One of the reasons they encourage medication so much in young people is that there is still time for their pre-frontal cortex to grow if it’s stimulated enough. The medication is what stimulates it.

         1. (By neglected I mean medically neglected by physicians. It’s so common for patients and families to have to figure this stuff out ourselves and self-treat! In that sense it’s well in hand if it’s working.)

         2. I have read a lot of research over the years and worked with some truly amazing therapists. There are other ways to stimulate the prefrontal cortex which don’t come as medication. Exercise, memory games (rote learning) and mental arithmetic are effective methods that work well for my children. Omegas are like a lubricant for my children’s brains.

            1. Those programs have been studied and the gains don’t translate well to other contexts according to the research that has been done. The research on omegas is stronger.

      2. Therapy is a crock. Mild ADHD can be managed with organizational strategies, but kids with more severe ADHD need medication to help their brains function more normally. Forced 3-mile runs at 6 a.m. and keto diets are not healthy for children. These strategies can help adults manage symptoms of mental illness, but serious mental illness usually requires medication and it’s irresponsible and downright cruel to suggest that you can just diet it away.

         1. you’re contradicting yourself — therapy is a crock but self-management like keto and cardio are also crocks? so just medicate without therapy and boom you’re done?

            mild ADHD kids don’t have “normal” functioning brains, that’s the whole point of the ND spectrum. Cats vs dogs, PCs vs Macs. Not worse, but different.

            1. Kids with mild ADHD don’t have normally functioning brains but some of them can manage with non-drug strategies. The point is that therapy is ineffective because 1) it does not fix the brain chemistry and 2) most therapists are charlatans who do not set and progress towards goals or use evidence-based methods because their financial incentive is to keep people in therapy forever. Coaching in practical strategies may be useful but good luck finding a coach who is actually good and doesn’t just say “use a planner.” Diet and exercise are fine as an adjunct to medication, but too many parents think they can just parent ADHD away using these strategies and deprive their children of genuine medical treatment.

         2. This is laughable. It takes my children less than 30 minutes to run 3 miles. My son is down to about 22-23 minutes and he just graduated elementary school. Not everything needs to be fixed with medication. The ADD medications have significant side effects that effect the growth of children. This is why they recommend taking medication on school days only, which means, no they do not give you tablets for non school days unless you have a letter from the principal which provides the reason (school play being performed on the weekend). What are you going to do when you have to go to work and your child can not attend camps because of their behavior being an issue?!? This is when you lean on the non medication parts of their treatment plan.

            Keto diets are well researched and effective for some children. It is effective for my son. It was not something which helped my daughters. It is however perfectly safe. He is also gluten free. For those who wish to learn more, this is a good place to start https://www.ruled.me/autism-ketogenic-diet/. I used a dietician for my children and highly recommend nourish (https://www.usenourish.com/) to find someone who can help put together a meal plan. I do not recommend starting a restrictive diet without the help of a dietician.

            At no point have I said you can diet it away. Exercise, school environment, mental stimulation, diet, therapy and supplements worked for a significant period for my children, until it wasn’t enough. At 11 they needed more and we started with medication while continuing with the existing supports. For my son, abilify has been a game changer more than ADD medication. Good therapy is game changing. Their SLT and OT are both amazing professionals who have had a profound impact on my children’s lives already. I am forever thankful. The social thinking curriculum is an excellent therapeutic program when delivered by a good therapist.

      3. You have made a number of posts here about mental illness that are just plain false and dangerous. This needs to stop.

         1. Are you referring to me? I am confused if you are because I am very well read on this subject and have been actively involved in the care and education of my 3 children who I refer to as my ‘overachievers’. Two have ASD and ADD and the third has dyslexia and ADD. It is a lot of work and there seems to be never ending energy from my children.

            Medication isn’t the only way to stimulate the prefrontal cortex. There are so many research articles on it. Take a look at additude for the work they have done putting together the best practices for to help managed ADD symptoms. I added medication to the mix this year because my children needed it, but until now the symptoms were manageable using diet, exercise and quality therapy. Shockingly, a vast number of parents do not look to have any complementary strategies for managing their childs ADD. Medication is one of the tools, but exercise, diet and supplements are all known complementary tools.

            The sad reality is the OP is hitting on a partial truth when they say some people are just jerks. When my daughter was really struggling she started to be seen by a psychiatrist who made a comment ‘Everyone has anxiety but not everyone is paralyzed by anxiety.’ This is the same as ND spectrum disorders. ND only becomes a problem that needs to be addressed when traits become so strong that the person can no longer function in society.

            1. what kind of omegas do you give your kids? i’ll have to google prefrontal cortex stuff, i haven’t gone down that rabbithole yet. (mom to an AuDHD son who’s in the middle of the spectrum, above average intelligence but unlikely to ever work or care to.)

            2. Anon @ 4.29pm

               I hear you. I struggle with my daughter a lot. So much potential but its hard. I use nordic naturals and the high doses for babies. 5ml gives you 1,050mg. If you put into the back of the mouth it skips the taste buds. This is what I use: https://www.nordic.com/products/babys-dha/?variant=39472183279800

               This is a good place to start with supplements: https://www.additudemag.com/vitamins-minerals-adhd-treatment-plan/

               The medical team (which includes therapists) know what my kids are taking. Some natural supplements function in the same way as a pharmaceutical. Its important they know everything. My ex husband started giving our son St Johns Wort and it affected his hormone levels. I figured it out very quickly but that is a very powerful supplement (which did not work with my children at all).

      4. if you’re doing Feingold or whatever and it’s working for you then that’s great — but it isn’t the way with everyone. We went the no-dye thing for a while for my AuDHD guy and didn’t really see a difference. I do try to keep his protein up because he gets really hangry and (at 10) doesn’t recognize it to say hey, I need a snack, he just acts out. I can relate to the 3m run (I’ve looked into swim team at some points with his energy issues), but meds made a world of difference so we didn’t have to since he has such a low tolerance for doing anything outside of school and we already have a million SLP and other therapy appointments.

         Re ASD and jerks… my older NT son would say that his brother is an unmitigated jerk who is manipulative. I’m lurking in a FB group with siblings of autistic kids and wow… those people hate their autistic sibs, and all would say they’re manipulative jerks.

         1. Can you really blame the NT siblings, though? Despite parents’ best efforts, most of the attention tends to go to the ND children out of necessity, and parents tend to demand that NT siblings put up with stuff from the ND siblings that they would not otherwise have to put up with and should not have to put up with. I have an ND nephew who purposely engages in manipulative and destructive behavior, to the point where he once put the entire family in serious jeopardy. There’s only so much his parents can do to keep him from hurting his NT sister. Not all ND people treat others poorly–my daughter has several profoundly ND classmates who are quite lovely–but the siblings who’ve been mistreated are the ones seeking out these FB groups to commiserate.

         2. Thank you for bringing that up. I forgot to include that all this with my children is trial and error. I have folders and folders of data that I have collected and tracked data to show inputs and behaviors. Its incredibly time consuming but there really are no two ND people who are the same. This is why you have to work through all the methods and find the right mix. Its painfully time consuming and it feels like everything changes as soon as you have figured it out. Diet wise was interesting. Getting rid of milk from my sons diet was incredibly helpful but had no effect on his sisters. The first two days were rough but then he was so much calmer. I had no idea. Gluten was much the same experience and it also had no effect on his sisters.

            I hear you on the 3m run timing being difficult. This is why I do it in the morning before school. I enjoy running and run at 5am myself doing 5-6 miles. The therapy appointments drive me insane because it has such a huge impact on their ability to do other afterschool activities.

            I have one child who doesn’t have ASD and she struggles a lot with her siblings. As their mother, I ended up having house rules everyone has to follow with zero exceptions. My eldest can be a mean girl and is highly manipulative, just bad at it, which is also a function of being a tween as well as her diagnosis. Neither are an acceptable excuse for this behavior and I don’t make allowances for poor behavior at home because a child has ASD. I am very structured in terms of what is expected and I allow the natural consequences to happen should they not abide by these expectations.

            The most frustrating part of all of this for me is how there is no clear way to know what medication is or isn’t going to work. You would think there would be better ways now instead of trial and error.

   4. All of the personality disorders are essentially lazy ways to describe people being jerks.

      1. “People being jerks” seems lazier to me than the whole literature on personality disorders!

9. Does anyone know of a seamstress/dressmaker in NoVA willing to sew a dress out of pre-purchased fabric?
   I’m attending a Nigerian wedding later this year and have the family fabric. I don’t want a traditional aseobi but need something fairly formal — the fabric is quite dressy! TIA.

   1. Check out Kim’s Tailoring in Great Falls.

      1. Thanks, will give the a call!

10. Help me with my yard? I have a roughly 20×15 section off the back corner of my lot that’s about 15′ off the house that we’ve pretty much ignored. It’s within the fenced area of our yard. This year it is super, insanely overgrown with weeds and saplings. It’s usually overgrown a bit and we weedwhack it down a few times a summer but last night I went back there to retrieve a dog toy andddd wow. It was a jungle. 15’+ weeds in some cases. I think it may be so bad this year because of our extra wet spring in the northeast but who knows. I’ve use a plant identifier app and have done some reading – some of the stuff out back is definitely invasive to the area fwiw.

    This area has never struck us as a spot that could be well manicured given the ground is damp a lot. It would probably require some fill/more landscaping than we want to do right now, but at a minimum we want it to not be a jungle. The dog does have access over there so among other reasons we’re sensitive to being a breeding ground for ticks, mosquitos and other bugs.

    How would you manage? Do I just go in first with a hedge trimmer and cut down the height? Then try to turn over the soil? Any products to use? I don’t want to go nuclear with the chemicals but I imagine I definitely need to use something with modest strength. Open to all suggestions!

    1. Yeah, you need to cut down the brush and weeds before you do anything else. Call your county extension office for recommendations for your area.

    2. Weedblock (thick black fabric, blocks the light so nothing grows) for a season or two will kill everything. I’ve also added a layer of plastic, like cheap shower curtains so the first few inches of soil get hot enough to kill off sprouts

    3. I have a similarly ugly patch near the alley behind my garage. I have weedwhacked it a couple times. Sometimes I dream of loosening up the soil enough to plant raspberry bushes which could go crazy and take over with the added benefit of a yummy treat. However, it would be an incredible amount of work to get that done given the density of weeds and rock. You can place a large tarp or two that will block out the light and hold it down with bricks or landscaping rocks to slow down the weeds. I’ve also sprayed Roundup in years past (buy the pre-mixed 1 gallon sprayer, only containing glyphosate, so you have the least amount of contact with the fewest chemicals). I wear long pants and a long sleeve shirt, spray the yard on a windless day, and then come right in and shower and throw all my clothes in the wash. Roundup will kill everything that grows quite effectively but of course isn’t great for the environment at all, so use with caution. I’ve decided not to do this anymore and live with my invasive species patch for awhile longer. The butterflies seem happy back there.

    4. I’d just hire someone to clear it until you are ready to do the landscaping; do they have goat services where you are?

       1. Goat services? As in the animals?? Explain more please.

    5. I’d hire someone to come cut it all down and personally, I’d put in a paver stone area and use it for outdoor seating. That will keep the weeds from coming back and make it useable.

       1. Does that work when it’s soggy?

          1. Yeah, they bring in sand to stabilize the soil. It’s the best.

          2. Probably not unless that area is raised somehow.

    6. I do a lot of our own yardwork and have cleared many an overgrown patch here in the northeast. You have a couple options depending on what you have growing there.

       The best way: rip and dig it all out. This leaves you with a blank canvas to put whatever you want down. Then proceed to the cardboard step below.

       The fast way: go at it with a weed whacker (or rent a brush hog if necessary), cut it all down, then put cardboard (some people do landscaping fabric but I HATE it) over it all. Add 4-5″ of mulch on top. Put something like a pair of Adirondack chairs in the mulch and you are done. Alternatively, you can do the same but do some light plantings (eg. one or two bushes).

       You don’t want to use chemicals. I’m not one of those “never chemical” people but if you have a dog or kids or people that are going to be in that spot then it’s not the place for chemicals. You could do a “salt the earth” type approach but IMO that’s awfully drastic for what you can do with a weekend brush hog rental and some cardboard and mulch.

       1. I agree with you on both the landscaping fabric and not needing to use chemicals for this particular problem. I’m not completely anti-chemical, but I definitely would not put Roundup on an area that kids and pets will be in because that stuff does stick around for awhile.

          1. I thought this was exactly wrong (that glyphosates were popular because they degrade so quickly!). Maybe you mean other Roundup products or maybe I’ve been told the wrong info?

             1. Quickly is a relative term. It can range from a week to several months, depending soil type, environmental factors, temperature, etc. So you may not be wrong, but it’s also not something to use liberally (imo).

       2. Even better than tearing it all up is solarizing it with sheeting. Wayyyyyyyy less work.

    7. There are native plants that love the damp, and require little maintenance once established. With that much space you could do shrubs as well. Use a website like the gobotany plant finder to find them. Then remove everything, lay cardboard as described below, plant, and mulch.

       Do not use weedcloth, it disintegrates and you’ll be picking plastic out of your soil forever.The solution to ticks is native plants (which attract tick predators) and tick tubes.

    8. so we have a backyard that is often wet… we just bought a rain garden kit from the local water and soil conservation district (something like ~50 plugs representing ~10 native plants for $160?). strictly speaking we didn’t do it correctly — we should have put down big sheets of cardboard and covered with mulch to try to kill the invasive things first (for at least 3 months, or do it in fall and then start planting in spring). google “native plants for rain gardens” and you’ll probably find good resources near you. Whether you decide to turn it into a rain garden or prairie or anything else the sheets of cardboard + mulch is probably the best thing you can do. I’ve heard sometimes you need several layers of cardboard.

       1. Yes to several layers. I tried cardboard covered by mulch in a frequently weedy area in my garden. I did cardboard, then newspaper, then mulch. It was great for about a year but the weeds are all back now, and maybe they bought a few friends. I basically weed every weekend now.

    9. If you are weed whacking the weeds, you are not getting rid of them, just giving them a trim. You need to dig out or eliminate the roots, otherwise they will continue to spread. I would dig out as much as you can. You can use preen in future years to prevent new weed growth, but anything with established roots will continue to return, so you may have to target some with spray.

    10. Sounds like a great place to build a raised garden box, hire landscapers to build the structure and fill it with garden soil. Local lanscapers will understand your soil and level of moisture and will be able to work around it. Just get it to the point of structure and dirt, then plan your garden from there. If you have the landscapers plant the garden, that’s where it gets overly expensive, in my experience.

    11. We have a similar very soggy patch in our yard and just this week we put weedblock fabric down and covered the whole thing with small river rock and put a few potted plants on top. It looks amazing! It cost a bit (we hired it out) but it’s a one-time fix and we’ll never have to worry about weeds or mud again.

    12. Dig out all the weeds, not just cut them. And then lots of mulch. You could plant something that serves as ground cover. And plan out your own secret garden.

11. Inspired by the Nigerian dress question above – years ago, I spent six months volunteering in Tanzania. At the end of the trip, we were given a variety of traditional printed fabrics as gifts. I meant to make some clothing out of them but never did, and now it seems a little tone-death to wear traditional Tanzanian clothes as a white woman in North America. But I found them in the back of my closet the other day and they are really lovely and still in good shape. Does anyone have any creative usage ideas? Maybe as pillowcases?

    1. For home- tablecloths, tote bags, curtains
       For clothes- why not use the fabrics but in simple styles? Like a sleeveless tank you could pair with a neutral?

    2. Pillowcases (for your bed or for throw pillows), a table cloth or runner. I’d look around your house and think about where the fabric would look nice and make something for that area.

    3. I do think skirts would also work, without overwhelmingly coming across as a “traditional Tanzanian prints on a white woman”. I’d try for something like these: https://www.etsy.com/search?q=ankara+print+pencil+skirt

       And frankly if someone makes a snide comment, just tell them you worked in Tanzania!

       1. My husband is from West Africa, and he has gifted several family members African print scarves and shirts. Some raised concerns about cultural appropriation, but he pointed out they’re authentic clothing made by people in his community. It’s supporting the community, not like the items are from China off of some random website.

          1. The problem is that people will make assumptions. If you are lucky, they are judging you silently and have no power over you. If you are not lucky, you are forced to constantly explain/justify or get called into HR when someone complains.

             And yes, it has happened to me. And yes, I am still bitter about it. And yes, I think “cultural appropriation” is one of the dumbest concepts out there about 90% of the time, partly because the Native American artist/client who gifted me the piece in question told me it was causing her serious problems because people would say “I love it but I could never display it since I am not Native American.”

             1. I could understand when it was about things like white people profiting on selling knock off religious items with stereotyped and erroneous folklore attached, or when there are double standards like when people were given more trouble for their own traditional hairstyles than white people were for imitating them.

                But I honestly think white people have glommed onto the concept as a new way to police boundaries and encourage segregation between communities.

             2. wow. I’m sorry that this happened to you. Complaining to HR over a colleagues clothing is bizarre. Do people not have work to do? I think my HR person would shut this down real fast.

          2. I’ve always found that white people are more concerned about cultural appropriation than actual natives are. Which I say as a Native American. Many cultures just look at it as appreciation. Maybe don’t wear an Indian chief costume for Halloween, but if you want to wear a ribbon skirt to a powwow or whatever, knock yourself out.

    4. I’d look at Zuri for some inspiration for blouses.

    5. My church had an intern minister from Tanzania. His wife gave us two small (5 x 10) coordinating but not matching pieces of traditional fabrics. We had them framed. They make a great discussion piece.

       Pillowcases and table runners are good ideas too.

    6. If you don’t want to do pillows or other home decor items, maybe a get a simple tote bag made if the fabric is right for that? I feel like bags are a great place for interesting patterns.

    7. I volunteered in W Africa for months and also came back with material. I used some of it to make an art piece. I put together 9-inch art canvas squares (no canvas, just the wood stretch pieces) and stapled the fabric to them, then arranged them in a 3 by 3 pattern. It brings me joy in the dining room.
       I’ve also framed one of them as a 2 yard by 3 yard piece and hung it in our stairwell.
       I agree with other posters that it is not at all tone deaf to wear fabric that you were gifted – they would be absolutely thrilled to know you still love it and think of the country.

12. Looking for family friendly activities in Seattle with a 11 months old and a soon-to-be 5 year old boy.
    Also restaurant recommendations, it’s our first time there:)

    X-posted on moms‘ site

    1. Where will you be staying and what time of year? Great restaurants are all over the city, so easier to narrow recs based on where you’ll be.

       The Pacific Science Center is an obvious must-do for the 5 year old year round. Discovery Park is great in the summer (and year round if you’re accustomed to walking in mist/rain, which you might not be). If you trust the 5 year old on a (very large, very safe) boat, taking a ferry to Bainbridge for a day and walking around is easy, beautiful, and something we’ve done with kids.

       1. Also, the aquarium and Woodland Park Zoo are both wonderful. Would try to avoid the aquarium midday on the weekend because it can get a bit crowded then, but the zoo is huge and even on its worst days does not feel crazy crowded (although I haven’t been since ‘21, so someone else can chime in to correct me on that).

       2. We are staying outside of the city and will be coming in for the day. Oh, and for this upcoming weekend!

    2. I just responded on the moms’ site, but it’s stuck in moderation. Check back soon, I guess?

    3. The Ballard Locks, so fun to watch boats come through!

13. i realize this can be a polarizing topic so if you’re not interested in discussing feel free to move on.

    i thought it was amazing that 4 of the hostages were rescued over the weekend. incredibly sad that a leader of the operation sustained serious injuries resulting in loss of life and that civilians died in the process. i really hope they are able to reach a deal soon to bring the rest of the hostages home so that no more lives need to be lost. i also find it absurd that some media outlets reporting on the topic had headlines saying that the hostages were “released,” as if Hamas just let them go and they just waltzed out of there.

    1. What’s to discuss? Yes hostages being rescued is great. Yes Israel seems determined to slaughter all of Gaza and that’s wrong.

       1. Most Israelis have no interest in trying to slaughter all of Gaza. the media reporting on this is so one sided. if you are rescuing hostages and people fire at you, are you supposed to not fire back? if no hostages had been taken in the first place, all of the people who died during the rescue operation would be alive.

          1. Oh has Israel only been killing gazans in rescue missions? Need to me.

             1. No. It sure appears that they killed three hostages to get four, with one of the killed being an American and the others being Israeli. Only about 275 Gazans killed, with about 700 casualties. But four Israeli lives were saved! A wonderful event to celebrate, especially with a deal on the table by which all of the hostages (including those four and the three that the IDF killed in the process) could have been released unharmed. But I know that Jews around the world must be feeling safer today knowing that the IDF, with American support, can pull off a flawless operation like this one. And so clever to conceal themselves in civilian attire and an aid truck. Did they drop flyers beforehand?

       2. Anon at 9:57: antisemitic blood libel that is provably false. Israel has 100% air superiority in Gaza and an air force capable of killing “all of Gaza” if they were “determined” to do so. So why haven’t they? Lies like this led to the Holocaust in living memory, and I’m afraid your politics has sickened your moral compass, if you ever had one.

          By the way, for all the “pro Palestinian, but not pro Hamas” progressives around here, what say you about the explicitly pro Hamas, pro Hezbollah, pro terror protests in New York and DC this weekend? It’s interesting how none of that is ever condemned or acknowledged by the (allegedly) more moderate progressives…

          1. +1 million.

          2. They aren’t killing all of Gaza because it would cut off the billions of dollars they get from US tax payers. It’s not out of the goodness of their hearts.

             1. Do you really think that? Do you really think the only thing keeping Israel from killing 2 million people is to keep tax dollars flowing?

             2. Yes, I do. The only thing holding them back from full scale genocide is international pressure and aid.

          3. This is such a bad take.

    2. It’s still crazy to me that Hamas continues to hold 150 or so hostages while Palestinians die around them. What a despicable, horrific excuse for a “freedom movement.”

       I also found it interesting that the number of children estimated killed in Gaza was revised down by almost 7,000. It’s almost as if the numbers aren’t at all trustworthy and are being used to vilify Israel! Whodathunk.

       It goes without saying that every civilian death is tragic. I simply don’t think Hamas gets a free pass on them.

       1. +1 to all this.

          Also it’s wild that an Al-Jazeera journalist who was frequently cited as a reputable source in western media had hostages *in his house*!!! This didn’t get enough attention in the US.

          1. That’s insane!

       2. Palestinian death counts have been found to be accurate in past attacks. The reason the estimate was revised down was due to the issues of officially identifying the dead. It’s almost like when your infrastructure is totally destroyed, it’s hard to take official statistics.
          But good to know that you’re cool with 7,000 dead kids.

       3. 1. The numbers were not revised down. The PHA has stated that it can identify specifically some, and provided a specific count of those, while also saying that the larger number accounts for those that have not yet been specifically identified. On the other hand, the initial numbers from Oct 7 went from 2000+ to 1400+ to 1139 identified but continue to be reported as “thousands” or, at best, “over 1200” and rarely is that number broken down to acknowledge how many hundreds were soldiers.
          2. Israel has held thousands of Palestinians without charge or legal process for years, as a routine part of the occupation of Palestine over decades. Shall we call them hostages?
          3. There has been coverage of the hostages Israel has taken and held in camps for the purpose of torturing them, including systematic rape (sodomization) with objects, during the course of this war, that you might want to read/view. They are in the NYT and on CNN, as other outlets. Of course, the coverage doesn’t use any of those terms. They reserve that terminology for Palestinians. Read to the end of the NYT article. That is where the systematic sodomy is finally covered by the biased newspaper that has printed and refused to retract dozens of lies favorable to Israel since October 7. Also, the Palestinian hostages held at the camps sometimes have had their hands cut off after sustaining injuries due to being held in tight cuffs for weeks. They are not Hamas, just Palestinian men systematically rounded up by IDF for the purpose of imposing collective punishment and long-term physical and psychological damage.
          4. The journalist referenced below was not “an Al Jazeera journalist” and he was not housing any hostages. He was a journalist who may have at some point contributed to an Al Jazeera publication and lived in the same building where the hostages were held, maybe with knowledge and maybe not we don’t know.

          I condemn Hamas and what they did on October 7. I condemn Netanyahu for supporting Hamas. I condemn Israel for nearly everything they have done since October 7. I am disgusted with the lot of them and by many of their supporters around the globe.

          1. I don’t see a huge distinction between a freelance journalist who contributed to Al Jazeera and someone who was on Al Jazeera’s staff, but if that’s the hill you want to die on, ok.
             The hostages were in his home (which he shared with family members), not just the same apartment building.

             1. It matters not because of how it reflects on the journalist, but because it is one more attempt by Israel to sully Al Jazeera.

             2. Al Jazeera is doing a fine job of sullying their own name. They don’t need any help from Israel.

             3. Hamas didn’t need any help, either, but Israel and Israelis has done a bang up job making up a bunch of lies to make them look worse.

             4. *have done

    3. Great for the four hostages who were rescued, but absolutely despicable that infrastructure built specifically for humanitarian relief to Gaza was used to slaughter 270 people instead. Not a great plan if 70x more people were killed than rescued.

       1. Hamas made the choice to hide the hostages in a refugee camp. I don’t see how it’s fair to blame Israel for attacking aid infrastructure to get the hostages back, when Hamas was the one who chose to put the hostages there.

       2. According to the rules of war, blame falls on Hamas for that. If you use civilian facilities and hospitals for combat or hold hostages in them, you have entered those spaces into warfare and bear responsibility for deaths.

          1. agree 1000%.

          2. Why don’t we care more about Hamas’s Palestinian hostages then?

             This line is sophistry when it’s applied to people who are being invaded. I remember UN trying to blame Ukrainian combatants for attempting to PROTECT civilian infrastructure from invading forces. It’s also sophistry when there’s nowhere else to go.

          3. Yes. There are literal laws of war and Hamas had violated them.

             1. I mean, no kidding? I thought they were considered terrorists.

             2. Hamas is a terrorist organization. I’m more worried about an established nation like Israel. Isolating international law.

             3. Both sides have violated them.

             4. Terrorists don’t abide by international law. That’s why they’re terrorists.

                But it’s ok and correct to hold established nations to international law. Unless Israel also wants to be considered a terrorist org. Then the spigot of funds from my taxes needs to be turned off immediately.

          4. That’s nice that you feel good about it. Tell that to the children suffering.

             1. What’s your magic solution, pray tell? It sounds like you think you have the perfect non-violent resolution at hand. I’m sure the world would love to hear it.

             2. so Hamas can just release the hostages and surrender. No children will suffer.

       3. why were hostages being kept there? here’s a brilliant idea: (a) don’t take hostages in the first place, and (b) if you do, don’t keep them in civilian packed areas. this is all on Hamas

          what exactly is the alternative. if you have good intel on where they are being held and think you can extract them, if it was me being held hostage or my child, i’d hope my country would come get us

          1. +1

    4. The media reporting is horrific.

14. Tablecloth or runners, apron, beach throw

15. If you had 5 days off in October, where would you go? I am trying to plan ahead this year and looked at the upcoming school calendar and realized that our kids have a 5 day weekend in October. Ideally, I’d like a nonstop flight from DC. I’m thinking London or Paris (the kids have never been, ages 7 and 10). Open to other ideas! Less interested in beach destinations, since that’s on our summer agenda.

    1. My son is nearly 7 and his grandmas live in London, so it’s a regular destination and there’s so much to do!

    2. I would hesitate to go to Europe with two kids for only 5 days unless your kids do well with the time change and jet lag. You know your kids best so if they do well with travel, I would definitely go to Europe in October when it’s not as hot or crowded. I went to Italy in early October and it was amazing!

    3. London or Paris :) and at that age and since I love both cities I would let the kids decide.

    4. My daughter has a similar long weekend in mid-October and we take a trip together most years. We normally stay in the US because we travel internationally in the summer and at winter and/or spring break. It’s a great time of year for Europe though, especially southern Europe like Italy and Greece.

       Places we’ve gone or want to go:
       -Woodstock VT (beautiful fall foliage but I’d spend more time in Burlington, which has lots to do with kids…Woodstock was pretty but boring).
       -San Diego
       -Denver & Aspen (if I had to it over again, I’d go to Vail or a closer mountain town, Aspen was nice but not really worth the drive)
       -Upstate NY/Niagara Falls
       -Montreal
       -Destin/30A Florida
       -Charleston
       -Savannah/Tybee Island
       -Nashville
       -Huntsville AL (for space stuff)
       -Great Smoky Mountain National Park in TN
       -Austin/Texas Hill Country
       -St Louis
       -Park City or Deer Valley UT
       -Albuquerque and Santa Fe
       -Sedona

       I lived in Massachusetts for a decade so I’ve spent a lot of time in New England, but if you haven’t been to these places I’d also put Bar Harbor/Acadia, Portland ME, Portsmouth NH, Newport RI, Cape Cod and Nantucket/MV on the list. Things shut down in coastal New England after Columbus Day weekend but if you can travel on or before that weekend, it should be decent weather and much smaller crowds than summer.

       1. Copying and pasting this entire list!

          1. +1
             Agree – it is a great list.

    5. I feel like a lot of Canadian cities are underrated- Montreal, Toronto, the Atlantic provinces, Vancouver, etc.
       Montreal or Toronto you wouldn’t even have to change time zones.

       1. Montreal is LOVELY!

          1. Suggestions for must dos/sees there?

       2. October can be really lovely here or it can snow (but thanks to climate change it tends to stay warmer later in the fall).

    6. Have your kids done all 50 states? Have you? Of course well-to-do families have always wanted their children to see Europe, but I think doing European cities with younger children before you do normal tourist attractions in your own “backyard” contributes in part to the political poliarization, the other-ization, the rural-urban divide that plagues our society so much today. Why not go to New Hampshire or Vermont? You could do the foliage, visit a farm for sheep or cheese or maple syrup, do Ben & Jerry’s, doubtless there’s a cornmaze and hayride somewhere. Or you could do some part of the southwest – the national parks? San Antonio with the Alamo and the Riverwalk? There’s so much to do here and so many people and experiences right here.

       1. I see your point, but the idea that kids need to visit all 50 states before they can visit Europe is pretty ridiculous.

       2. I can’t believe you’re comparing a corn maze and a hayride to London or Paris.

       3. Yeah you’ll never convince me going to Ohio is a better use of my vacation time than Paris. I actively don’t think Alabama is safe for my kids. Idaho is full of white supremacists. I’m sure Wyoming is lovely but I’m not outdoorsy so Paris beats it out for me every time.

       4. +1 to National Parks! Is the 10 year old in 4th grade? 4th graders get a free National Park Pass. We definitely used that to our advantage at the age.
          @10:38 – I do think you have a great point here.

          1. OT, but I’d love to hear more about you maximized the 4th grade National Park pass! I have a rising 2nd grader so it’s not too far off for us. We live in the Chicago area and I’ve spent a lot of time in New England and California and we’ve visited most of the Alaska and Hawaii national parks on vacations, but otherwise haven’t been to that many of them.

          2. Do you know if it’s still possible to use it when your kid is in the summer after 4th grade?

             1. Yes, it’s valid from Sept. of the 4th grade year through August of the following summer.

       5. I’ve been to all 48 continental states, and I can assure you, many are the same. There’s no need to see all 50 states before traveling abroad.

          1. Agreed. 46 for me, but the vast majority of the US is really not that interesting. London and Paris are more interesting than 99% of the US.

             1. I love Europe but there’s a lot of really cool places in the US worth visiting. Paris and London aren’t better than 99% of the US

          2. I have been to almost as many states and agree. But I wouldn’t take kids across the Atlantic Ocean for just 5 days. That sounds miserable.

             1. Yeah, 5 days is really pushing it, considering you lose a full day to travel on the return and you probably aren’t going to be able to do much on the first day (unless you can afford business class, but even then the flight is so short it’s hard to get a decent night’s sleep). So it’s really more like three days of sightseeing. We regularly go to Europe for 7 days but I think in this case the difference between 5 and 7 is pretty significant.

             2. I would totally do it – my best-ever Europe trip was just six days and at a time of year with short daylight. It’s always worth it.

             3. I really think it depends on your tolerance of jetlag. My 4-year old has never really gotten jetlagged – I was nervous the first time I took her on a trip with a major time change at 2, but she adjusted so easily. I’ve taken her on 5-day trips abroad and it’s been great. I have friends whose kids take a few days to regulate with a time change, and this would definitely not work for them.

             4. My kids don’t get jet lagged, but I do, and it’s gotten worse as I get older.

    7. So Cal is great in the fall. I might start with the Central Coast — Hearst Castle is fabulous for kids and you could drive up the coast and do the Winchester Mystery House and end up in San Francisco (which, contrary to what the press would have you believe, is still a wonderful tourist destination). I did this trip with my kid when she was 9 and she loved it. Do a tour of Alcatraz, plus there is all kinds of silly stuff at Fisherman’s Wharf like the Ripley’s Believe it or Not Museum and the Ghirardelli Chocolate Factory. If you google “San Francisco with kids” you will find a ton of great ideas.

       1. Okay, I said So Cal and ended up in Norcal, but you could also drive south and do Universal Studios and the Getty Villa and even my home town of Pasadena (I’ll buy you all lunch!).

          1. I have so many fond memories of visiting the Getty Villa, the Norton Simon, and the Huntington as a kid!

    8. Bar Harbor, if before or on the weekend after Indigenous Peoples weekend! Many of the local shops and restaurants stay open until the marathon weekend, which is the weekend after indigenous peoples weekend, and then shut down. Weather is perfect for fireplaces and hiking, great kid-friendly hiking, and that’s a good length of time to go for.

       1. Mid-October is definitely a great time for the Maine coast (and all of New England, really).

    9. I thought London was really easy with kids at those ages. I didn’t worry about them getting lost and being unable to communicate with others, but the food/culture/signs were similar enough that nobody was melting down over a lack of familiar food. Our kids were older when we went to Paris and I think my youngest wouldn’t have liked it so much if he had gone as a 7yo.

       As for other ideas, have you been to the Grand Canyon? Santa Fe? Zion and Kings Canyon? As someone who grew up in MD, all of those places seemed really, really, neat and super-different from what I was used to seeing as a kid.

       1. Agree, Paris is tough with picky eaters. We’ve taken my kid all over Europe and France, specially Paris, was the hardest place in terms of food.

          1. I think my picky eater would have loved Paris because BREAD.

             1. If your kids are at all constipation prone, they need something in their diet besides bread. I unfortunately speak from experience. ;)
                We managed; we went to grocery stores and bought things like fruit and yogurt to keep in the fridge, but it was the hardest city we’ve been to in terms of ordering in restaurants for kids. Also not a particularly little kid-friendly city for reasons unrelated to food.

    10. Maadrid, Rome, or Vienna would also be nice in October, with plenty to do and eat with the kids. Or consider San Diego, San Francisco, or Los Angeles from the DC area. Or consider Mexico City or New York City, or a staycation in DC, where most of the museums are free!

16. Another travel question: heading to Cape Town and Kruger National park in July but have a few extra days. Please share any must see, must visit, must eats that you’ve seen/loved! Still looking for accommodations and open to anything from glamping to luxury hotels. Please share any personal recos.

    1. we stayed at Grootbos which was incredible, but definitely a big splurge. You might consider visiting wine country

       1. We also did Grootbos, which is amazing but an enormous splurge. If you stay in wine country, Boschendal estate is wonderful and there’s a tram to take between wineries, plus really lovely hiking.

    2. No advice, but I would love a report when you get back. I’m doing a very similar trip next July.

    3. Cape Town – I stayed at the Queen Victoria Hotel in Cape Town and loved it. Great location right by the waterfront. I took some day trips with a private driver booked through Ilios Travel to the Cape Peninsula (Table Mountain, Boulders Beach, Cape of Good Hope, Cape Point) and wine country (visited Rust en Vrede, Remhoogte, Glenelly, Delaire Graff, DeMorgenzon, and Tokara over two days). If you can swing it, dinner at La Colombe or PIER would be amazing.

       Kruger – I stayed at Kings Camp in the Timbavati Reserve and it was incredible. It’s a luxury lodge with wonderful amenities, and we saw the Big 5 within our first 24 hours. It’s pricey though, like all of the luxury safari lodges in that area!

17. Looking for a bridal shower/wedding/congrats gift ideas from Black-owned businesses for an acquaintance getting married in her 40s. We spent time together in a training program 15 years ago, met each others families, but it was a whirlwind year. We haven’t been close but we ran into each other a few months ago and her sister invited me to the shower. Per sister, they have no registry, but said if we feel the need to give a gift, they appreciate receiving items from Black-owned brands. Google gives me a lot of skincare and hair ideas… She has braids but I don’t want to guess at haircare products (I’m white.) Budget $200, I am thinking $50 cash or gift card and maybe $50-100 in “items” as that’s her request. Haven’t met her fiance, never been in her home, not sure hobbies, she’s in a fairly high-level role at a large bank. Any brand or item suggestions?

    1. Some sort of homeware or candles? I’d search Black-owned home decor and do a giftcard?

    2. Cane Collective is a black owned mixer brand located in baltimore, their mixers can be used with alcohol or not, and are really fun (glitter!)

    3. I’d get something by Sheila Bridges, she has a lot out in Harlem toile.

    4. Here are a couple of roundups with some good suggestions – I personally love Jungalow & BLK MKT Vintage.

       https://www.hgtv.com/shopping/news-and-trends/black-owned-home-decor-brands

       https://www.housebeautiful.com/shopping/best-stores/g32729393/black-owned-home-businesses-to-support/

    5. I would do glassware from the brand Estelle, which is now also sold at Nordstrom or West Elm so could be returned for something else if not the right fit

       1. Those are really pretty.

    6. There is a store in Cleveland owned by a POC woman called Oceanne Jewelry. They make personalized jewelry and I think they also have some home goods. I have a necklace from there, purchased randomly from one of those lists of store to support around the time of the BLW movement, and it’s lovely.

    7. Elevated Scentz sells wonderful candles and is a Black-owned brand, I believe out of Texas. They have a wonderful long-lasting scent throw.

    8. I think a white woman trying to buy a gift from a Black-owned brand for a Black (?) woman is a minefield. Gift card to a generic brand. Also $200 is way too high for a shower gift for a long-lost acquaintance; $50 is more appropriate.

       1. I think it is just so great that you decided not to answer the question, but give unsolicited advice!

       2. Giving someone a gift from a black owned business when they have requested that is not in any way a mine field. What is your problem?

    9. Gift card to a black owned restaurant

    10. Not a comment on this bride, but a general complaint. If you’re having a shower, it’s an inherently gift focused event so people feel obligated to bring gifts so you need a registry.

        If you want to have a shower but not focus on gifts, do an unwrapped shower or open gifts after the shower. If you don’t want to do gifts but still want a pre-wedding gathering, great but don’t call it a shower.

        I love weddings and hate showers (playing awkward games and watching someone open and have to fake excitement over dishtowels is not how I want to spend an afternoon!) so I certainly don’t think they’re necessary but if it’s a shower please have a registry. Otherwise do a bridal brunch or something.

    11. You could look up black-owned brewery or winery or distillery and get alcohol options, for example Uncle Nearest whiskey is run by a black woman. Black owned artisans should get you some links to people who make ceramics or other types of home goods if you want something unique.

18. We are driving home from Acadia NP to Jersey City with three kids – any great pit stops/restaurants along the way? Looking to break up the drive with a couple of places where we can get out for an hour or two – either have a good meal, see something interesting, run round in nature, that type of thing.

    1. Stop at the LL Bean flagship store. It’s right off the interstate and has a restaurants around it, as well as a park area where they can run. The giant boot is fun to see too. That’s an easy one.

    2. the Kittery outlets used to be good, but not sure if that’s on your way. i just remember taking a field trip to kittery & ogunquit on a field trip from a boston-area summer school; maybe ogunquit was beachy?

       if you have very small kids there’s a construction theme/waterpark in NJ (Diggerland) but that may overshoot JC by a bit

       1. Ogunquit is a beach town, yes. Very cute, though I’m not sure I’d stop there on a road trip because you’d get salt and sand all over the car.

    3. Kimball Farms in Westford, MA. Their ice cream is fantastic and they have a grill for burgers, fries, veggie burgers, and lobster rolls. They have mini golf, bumper boats, batting cages, zip lines, an arcade, all that. Great for running around in the middle of a long drive. It is directly on the way down from Acadia to NJ, about a mile off the highway.

19. Need to make long-term improvements in my diet (more focus on whole foods, addressing sugar intake, that sort of thing). Does anyone have a SUSTAINABLE step-by-step process on this?

    This is indicated by bloodwork and also how I feel. I know how I got here—standard “life got really busy and food took a backseat” story—and I don’t feel like I have any serious crazy hangups about food to work through. I’ve maintained my exercise habit throughout, and I’m very capable of following a plan without being a perfectionist. Not especially concerned about weight loss or gain, more about feeling better in my body.

    I’m aware of things like Whole 30, etc., but those don’t seem sustainable for me. I do best with incremental progress. (I did amazing with a debt snowball, because I knew what I was tackling next and could be monofocused on just one thing at a time. Ditto race training). Is there anything like that on the market?

    1. start tracking your food so you get an idea of where you are with sugar and fiber. ideally sugar should be under 25g per day and fiber should be over 25g per day. watching those two metrics will help you change a lot in your diet.

       1. Yeah, I already track my food, and my metrics are bad. To crisp up my ask, I am looking for a plan that helps me get from here to there one step at a time, not information on where “there” should be.

       2. +1

          My Fitness Pal is a great way to track your food. Even if you only do it for a while, writing down everything you eat is a really powerful tool for becoming more aware of what you’re really eating. The app has preset carb/protein/fat/fiber recommendations and you can see how you’re doing on those as you log.

    2. Not “on the market,” but are you familiar with the “No S” diet? It is no sweets, seconds or snacks except on days that start with S. When I go through a period of eating badly, a couple of strict No S weeks gets me back into better habits. I will also lose weight if I stick to it. Then it is fairly easy to add or reduce within that framework, so more protein, less sugar, more water, less caffeine, etc.

       1. I like the idea of moving desserts/treats to the weekend as a first step. I run 20-30 MPW and lift weights, so I definitely can’t not snack or eat seconds, haha. But saying “okay, first I’m going to limit dessert to the weekend” feels both doable and sustainable for my lifestyle and body. Thank you!

       2. I have done the no S diet and it is super easy insofar as the thinking is taken away and the S days are truly appreciated treat days.

    3. I have the most success with a checklist of things to eat instead of a list of things not to eat. I try for the following every day:

       -Homemade low-sugar whole-grain muffin or similar for breakfast
       -A serving of berries
       -A serving of yogurt
       -A serving of nuts
       -A homemade salad with protein for lunch
       -Dinner with protein and >2 servings vegetables (can be the same vegetable in a large amount)
       -Low-sugar kombucha with lunch
       -Homemade latte with fancy light-roast espresso beans and one teaspoon of sugar

       This eating plan is delicious and effectively crowds out junk food and sugary drinks.

       1. My list is different but this general approach is most sustainable to me as well: focus on getting specific things in your diet. Maximizing fruit/veggie servings, fish once or twice per month(more would be better, but this is what is realistic), a handful of nuts most days. I am researching high fiber foods right now and think about what to build into my routine.
          Concentrating on eating the things on my list leaves less room for unhealthy stuff without cutting it out.

    4. I use a food tracking app on my phone, and I track approximately 90% of what I eat every day. I use My Dash Diet, but there are several other good apps available. I also exercise regularly, and didn’t have a weight issue. During my annual physical, my blood pressure was high, and my doctor asked for a follow up in six weeks. I started tracking my sodium intake, and found it was usually pretty low except for eating out. However, it did help me make better choices. The only OK tortilla with 425 mg. of sodium wasn’t worth it, or the dish from Crisp & Green that looked healthy but was nearly one days worth of sodium.

       Turned out my blood pressure is fine, but I have osteoporosis. Now I’m tracking my calcium intake to try to achieve the daily minimum. Using the app helps me really understand what I’m eating. Coffee drinks and treats are still part of my diet, but I make more informed choices.

    5. I worked toward using my car less. Getting around by bike or on foot means being more intentional about what groceries I buy, and less likely to make a quick impulse fast food run. That’s in addition to the few extra calories you burn by getting around.
       I also stick to vegetarian meals during the week. This isn’t to reduce calories, rather, it makes cooking easier and with less cleanup (vs dealing with raw meat). Cooking meals at home means I slow down a bit and tend to be more full.
       Both of these have the added bonus of saving a bit of money, too.

    6. If you want incremental, I’d start with one meal a day, and make yourself a list of options for that particular meal that you enjoy and are nourishing. So you might choose breakfast and have a list of chia pudding with berries, overnight oats with fruit, frittata with greens, and so on. Stick to that for a week or two until it feels automatic. Then add on another meal, stick with it until it feels like a habit. Maybe one of your increments is discovering which snacks feel good for you.

       Another option is simply to work your way up to 800g of fruits and vegetables each day. (This is from the book “Built to Move”.) It’s pretty hard to get there all at once! I’d figure out your baseline and slowly work your way towards that goal. Once you’re eating that many fruits and vegetables, you won’t have much room for the stuff you’re trying to avoid.

       1. I challenge myself to eat 20 different fruits and vegetables over the course of a week. It’s great for gut health, nutrients, and focuses on adding good foods vs restricting less healthy foods. You could do this incrementally – start with 10 or whatever number feels comfortable and add more over time. I’ve had weeks of 30+ and it’s not as hard as you might think, especially if you count all plants, like the lime squeezed over something, the fresh basil on pasta, etc.

          1. This is also the sort of change that feels healthy and sustainable for my body. I’ll put it on the little training plan I’ll work up using some of these ideas.

    7. I would ask chatgpt to help you with this. It might take a couple prompts but it’s done a good job helping to outline workout routines and meal plans. It seems like it could make you some kind of path.

       1. Honestly, a great idea.

    8. I’d work on adding in meals that are more in line with what you want to be eating, which means identifying foods that are healthy and appeal to you but are still reasonably easy to cook and have ready to eat. That will depend a lot on your tastes, but since you mention you’re a runner, one recommendation would be Shalane Flanagan’s cookbooks. They’re all good, but I use Rise and Run the most because I’m a big breakfast food person (at any hour of the day). The many varieties of superhero muffins are a freezer staple, and I also really like her recipe for tempeh sausage, which I eat with a big pile of sautéed greens and tomatoes on whole wheat toast with avocado.

       1. God, in my prior life, I made those superhero muffins weekly. Thank you for the reminder they exist. I will absolutely get them back into my life!

    9. I agree with those who have commented about slowly adding in things or focusing on one meal at a time. I started by just thinking “I need to eat more vegetables” and I added those in more regularly and pushed out some of the not so healthy alternatives. When that became a habit it was “at least one salad a day”. The salad was added in on top of the extra veggies I was already eating so it again pushed out some of the not so healthy items. Then I focused on whole grains rather than processed grains, beans more often than meat. Then I started adding in more healthy seeds like chia/flax.

       Another thing I did was focus on breakfast first. Once I got a good pattern of eating a healthy breakfast I moved on to lunch. Now I am focusing on healthier dinners, but that is the time of day I relax a bit and am not so concerned as I already know I am eating extra veggies and have either gotten a salad in earlier in the day or am having it with my dinner.

       I find I don’t even miss the other not so healthy things I used to eat regularly, but it has been a slow process, like 3 to 4 years to get here.

    10. The Mediterranean Diet has good data to back it up. I found a checklist of what to eat and what to limit, and tackled one guideline a month until I hit pretty good compliance.

        1. Care to share a link to the checklist?

    11. Not a whole plan, but my first incremental step is always: go to the store and get stable healthy options. Doesn’t have to be a full meal, just something that is always there and always available. For me the easiest stuff is : almonds, frozen peas, and a 5lb sack of carrots (should last weeks in the fridge), sack of sweet potatoes. Key is anything you find relatively appealing and is /super/ easy

        And step 2 is: a fruit or vegetable /first/ with every meal. I notice I crave simple carbs when I’m hungry so it’s something like: as soon as I come in from a run, I’m thinking “Kraft Mac and cheese sounds like the tastiest food ever invented” – I grab a couple carrots from the fridge or an apple or honestly a handful of spinach leaves straight from the baggie and eat those while the water is boiling. If I’m craving Mac and cheese after, I still have it, and the vegetable doesn’t have to be “a dish” – I just always eat some vegetable too

        1. Put the baby spinach in the mac & cheese! It wilts immediately and makes it healthier.

    12. I didn’t reply to everyone, but these were some great ideas. I have a lot to chew on (so to speak). Really appreciate everyone’s advice and input.

20. does anyone have any forever jewelry like bracelets or whatever? what are the cons?

    1. I did. And then I had to cut it off for an MRI and haven’t had a chance to go get it it welded back on. Probably won’t because it just wasn’t worth the effort.

    2. I’ve seen it but don’t “get” it – like I don’t want to be wearing jewelry when sleeping and showering, it would annoy me at the pool or beach or exercising, and I rarely wear the same jewelry on consecutive days.

    3. I have two bracelets and an anklet that are permanent. I had to cut them off for surgery and the place rewelded it for free.

       I never change my jewelry, so my earrings and necklace aren’t permanent but might as well be – last time I removed them was for that surgery (which was October).

       I always slept, exercised, swam, and showered in jewelry so it never bothered me.

    4. What are the pros? I can wear a bracelet or a necklace for years on end even if it has a regular clasp.

    5. I got a forever bracelet last November and love it. It’s a very delicate gold chain and I don’t even notice it’s on, but I love looking down and feeling a little bit fancy even if I’m just working out or in my pjs.

       1. To add, one pro to me is that I have tiny wrists, so it’s hard to find something that fits, or something that doesn’t have a piece of chain that dangles once I tighten it enough. The permanent bracelet solves that.

          1. You can have a regular bracelet shortened.

             1. Yes, of course you can. The permanent bracelet saves me the trouble since it’s custom fit from day one. If it’s not for you, it’s not for you. For me, it’s easier than having to get something shortened. At nearly 45 years old, I’ve happily figured out by now what works best for me.

21. Somewhat related to the Nigerian fabric question: I had a beautiful silk áo dài made on a trip to Vietnam but I am self-conscious about wearing it outside the house. My Vietnamese friends are of the view that it is a compliment to their culture and I should wear it proudly, but I’m worried about being seen by others as a big ol’ cultural appropriator. I should just wear it at home, right?

    1. I’ve lost patience with white people who think they know better than other cultures about this and wish I could just stop valuing their opinions, but I do worry sometimes.

    2. I would wear it when spending time with your Vietnamese friends at your home or theirs. It might also be safe to wear in mixed company at a private gathering if you know the non-Vietnamese guests are sensible or the Vietnamese guests will politely school them.

       My white husband’s Indian friends gave him an Indian outfit. They were delighted when he wore it to their parties. If he’d worn it to a public Indian cultural event, he would have been judged for cultural appropriation by the white people in attendance .

       1. I think this is where I land. I know in my head it’s okay, and I know Vietnamese people would be, if anything, flattered, but I am still leery of side-eye from ignorant white people.

    3. It’s white people who are the problem. Wear what you want to wear and screw what they think.

    4. I’m not familiar with Vietnamese clothing or culture, but if your friends who are part of the culture say wear it, I’d go for it and not worry about what people who would judge you for it would say. There will always be ridiculous people who judge what they have no business judging for all sorts of reasons and I try not to give up clothing that I love because of them.

       I think there’s a huge difference between wearing clothing of a different culture as appreciation and doing it in an offensive way (as a Halloween costume, or wearing something that is reserved for an important ceremony out and about, or to mock the culture, or to perpetuate harmful stereotypes about the culture, or wearing something that is reserved for someone who has earned a great honor that you have not earned, etc.).

       1. This! I’m Native, and to me cultural appropriation is wearing the made in China Indian Princess Halloween costume, or the super generic “Aztec print” fabric popular in the 2010s.

          Authentic items of clothing/jewelry from actual members of that culture are appreciation. You’re respecting the artisans and makers.

    5. I think it’s fine unless you’re doing something like wearing it to be a Vietnamese person on Halloween.

    6. Similar situation – I wore a sari to a (white) friend’s birthday party in the US and I did get some comments, but I am glad I got the chance to wear it at least once out of the house, it deserves to be worn! In that case, I didn’t expect to see most of the party attendees again, so I didn’t really care what they thought. The comments were akin to some raised eyebrows but nothing overtly negative or aggressive, to my face, at least. I wouldn’t wear it to a wedding with my in-laws though. They’re not the kind to live and let live.

    7. Asians don’t have the cultural appropriation issues you guys are obsessed about. Wear it respectfully and it’s fine. Don’t be like Madonna. I’m Indian and I love it when others wear a sari. I don’t care if you’re black or white, wear it respectfully.

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