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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Aubray Pintuck Button-Front Silk Shirt

A woman wearing a white pintuck blouse and jeans with a black belt

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Sometimes a lady just needs a perfect white shirt, you know? This silk blouse from Equipment has gorgeous pintuck pleats, adding a touch of crispness to an otherwise relaxed fit. I would wear this under my coziest cardigan for an easy office outfit that’s comfy, but professional looking.

The blouse is on sale for $262.50 (marked down from $350) at Neiman Marcus and comes in sizes XS–XL.

Sales of note for 12.5

379 Comments

  1. DO you have any fun traditions when you move into a new house (or out of old house)? We just moved into (hopefully) our forever home and two elementary-aged kids. I would love to do something to mark the moment.

    1. I measure all the walls, windows, and doors and draw a map with dimensions noted. It doesn’t sound fun on paper, but I feel like it’s a tradition now. I imagine kids could have fun helping with measuring. Maybe drawing maps of their bedrooms.
      Also pizza picnic on the floor for the first day’s dinner.

    2. Mark their height on the wall. Preferably a piece of trim so that you can track it and keep it forever.

      1. Yes, I always did this. I used the door frame in my kid’s room but you could use the family room or kitchen or mudroom and do everybody’s on the same wall.

    3. I can’t tell if you’ve already moved, but a couple ideas that my elementary aged kids loved:

      – We each picked a small rock from the landscaping of the old house, and then added it to the pot of a new indoor plant. So we were bringing a bit of the old house with us.
      – We had a pizza for our first dinner on the floor, with champagne/ sparkling grape juice to drink.
      – The kids got to pick the paint color of their bedrooms. (I picked out some potential options in a variety of colors and they chose from that – so I wouldn’t end up with dark black or neon orange walls that they’ll want to repaint in a few years.)
      – The kids also got to pick the layout of their bedrooms. I helped point out that they wouldn’t want to, say, block a floor vent with a bookshelf, but otherwise they arranged it however they wanted and felt very grown up.

      Congrats!

    4. Keep track of their height on the side of a door. Somewhere less noticeable like a door in the basement or a linen closet. I did this in my childhood home and it’s really sweet seeing it decades later.

      If you’re getting any concrete poured outside (driveway, patio, path, etc.) put your handprints in while it’s still wet. Don’t do this on the sidewalk if it’s city property though.

      1. I did the hands-in-concrete thing in the house I bought when I was in my 50s!

    5. I remember as a kid when we moved once, the first thing was to start up the portable fire pit (I think my dad went to Home Depot or something because we’d previously lived in an apartment and hadn’t had one). We had our dinner around it and had s’mores for dessert to celebrate our first meal in the house.

    6. Always a new broom and a new doormat to start the new home without any of the old home’s dust and dirt.

    7. Well I got my house blessed by a priest so that is something if you are religiously inclined. And I second marking their height and then re-do it every birthday (trim is best so you can take it with you if you do end up moving).

      And this is a very old superstition and I always feel silly, but salt over the thresholds and then clean it up after 24 hours. I do this at the New Year too.

    8. We plant a tree! Then each year we take a picture by our family tree to mark its growth (and our own).

  2. Bought 2 concert tickets via Ticketmaster however we are no longer able to attend. Nonrefundable so I would prefer to sell if possible, can I do that via Ticketmaster if I find someone wanting to buy? How does the transaction work, do they pay me first or is it simultaneous? TIA

    1. I recently sold some tickets thru Stubhub – tried to sell thru Ticketmaster but no takers, Stubhub makes it easy.

    2. My friends have had good luck selling tickets through our local alumni mailing list.

    3. I’ve used stubhub and am not very savvy technologically; it’s super easy. Stubhub is essentially consignment – you post and get paid if someone purchases them (a la ebay/poshmark/etc). You can also remove the listing if you sell elsewhere or decide to go, if unsold.

    4. Yes, it’s easy to sell on Ticketmaster. I’ve posted on local FB pages close to the venue. When you get paid, you transfer the tickets via the app. The buyer has to download the app before you can transfer them. I have the buyer send me the $ via Venmo or Zelle and as soon as I receive the $ I transfer the tickets. If the buyer is leery to pay before, maybe you can do one ticket a time? But I’ve never had a buyer refuse to send me the $ in advance. But I tell them I’ll immediately transfer the tickets once I receive the $.

    5. I have used Tickets 4 Less to sell tickets before. All handled electronically, and the app walked me through it. Their fees were lower than the alternatives I looked at.

  3. I tweaked my back lifting this weekend. I have been trying to rest it, use heat, and take ibuprofen. But I am going a little stir crazy. Working out–and lifting in particular–is my stress reliever and sanity bringer. It brings me joy. I have tried doing some gentle yoga and arms with very light weights. One day the yoga felt fine. The next it didn’t. It has been rainy so walks are a no go.

    Help! What do you do to stay active/sane when you have an injury?

    1. “Rest” is often an essential ingredient to healing. Unless a medical professional has told you specifically to exercise through your injury, try to distract yourself with things that will allow your body to rest. Listen to your body.

    2. Generally, if I need to rest I do just that. Distract your mind with an engrossing book or TV show or movie. Find a series you can get lost in. But I will say that the one time I tweaked my back lifting, the cure was to lift correctly. I would seek some advice here from a doctor or PT or someone who does sports rehab.

    3. I agree with the post above. Rest, or do some easy walking, as long as it doesn’t bother it. Go outside during a break in the rain or find a place to walk inside, but don’t over do it

    4. Swimming, if that’s an option for you. Hugely helpful to me when I injured my back a couple of years ago.

    5. You really do have to rest and take it easy. I had major abdominal surgery over the summer, and I sympathize with not being able to use exercise for stress relief. Prepare for it to feel mentally uncomfortable at times. My best tips are to journal (get the feelings and stress out!) and find other activities that are sufficiently distracting (for me, that was reading).

      1. +1. If you try working out again too soo, you risk making the injury worse or creating a situation where it never really goes away.

    6. I’m agreeing with all the other people, but if you need to rest, you need to rest. It’s also a really good habit to learn ways to distract yourself that aren’t working out because that may not always be available to you.

    8. It’s Tuesday. It’s been, what, 2 days? You probably need to re-examine your relationship with exercise if missing 2 days makes you crazy.

      2. Wow, strongly disagree. Signed, a very mediocre runner who still needs to work out four times a week to stay sane

      3. I don’t disagree with “you’re injured, rest”, but cardio fitness starts to decrease after only two days of inactivity so it’s not irrational to be bummed about it. I also find it super hard to sleep if I haven’t worked out that day.

    9. Trust me, you really need to rest. The more you try to exercise, the longer you will go without really being able to do your real routine.

    10. Two day s without lifting and you are going stir crazy? That sounds like the problem not your back. What are you obsessively exercising to distract yourself from?

    11. How about focusing on other healthy stuff? Maybe this is the time to do some advance meal planning, try a new healthy recipe, or freeze some meals for when you’re active again. Try meditation or a guided meditation walk – slow, easy and rejuvenating. Replace your workout sessions with holiday fun – happy hour with friends, baking for an event, extra time to make or shop for a gift, extra time for a phone date with a faraway loved one.

    12. Echoing rest but depending on location of tweak, sometimes very slow walking on a treadmill at an incline can help. Epsom salt bath, topical cbd can help as well. I absolutely understand the restlessness that happens when I miss a workout!

    1. One of my go-to recipes is the Signature Spicy, Smoky, Sweet Chili from Iowa Girl Eats. The Easy Pumpkin Chili from Budget Bytes is good too.

      1. In addition to this, if your chili is usually beef-based, add some italian sausage as well.

    5. Oprah’s turkey chili. A friend made it for me once, and I loved it. I have since made it for many friends and they love it too.

    7. Pioneer Woman – Simple, Perfect Chili. I usually add more beans than she uses but I love the masa in it and that it’s not too spicy.

    9. I just use the McCormick chili packet. I sauté some ground beer with the packet and add onions bell peppers and some tomatoes. Then I add a big can of crushed tomatoes and simmer it until hot. Then just add some fun toppings like cheese and sour cream. I also keep hot sauce on hand to make it spicy depending on personal preference. I also love to eat it with tortilla chips.

    11. skinnytaste kid-friendly crockpot chili and anothrr skinnytaste sweet potato turkey chili i forget the exact name of. i double tomatoes in both, because there is no such thing as too many tomatoes.

    13. Beef – Betty Crocker’s classic beef chili

      No meat – Budget Bytes vegetarian chili mac n cheese (also good vegan without cheese)

      Turkey – Pierre Franey’s Turkey Chili from NYTimes

    14. I don’t use a recipe but it’s a sauteed onion + a pound of ground beef, break it up as finely as you can & let it develop a good brown, then 2 capfuls of chili powder and 1 capful of ground cumin + a tablespoon or two of tomato paste (optional), then water or stock or both and simmer for a while. If I’m adding beans, sometimes I make them from dry beans, separately, then add at the end. Otherwise it’s two cans of pinquito beans if I can find them, or else one can of pinto or black beans, rinsed well. Taste for seasonings, serve with finely shredded monterey jack cheese.

      Sometimes I add garlic or green or red bell pepper in the saute, depending on what I’m trying to use up.

      (This has Californian written all over it, sorry)

  5. Yea or nay: lug soled loafers in federal court? I will be sitting at counsel table during oral argument on several motions, likely not speaking except to greet the judge. I have plenty of pumps but might be walking to and from the courthouse and would prefer to be comfortable if it’s not egregiously trendy to wear them, with ankle length pants. In Philly, if it matters.

    1. There are worse choices but I wouldn’t. Do you have room in a bag to change them out? You could skip the pumps on before entering the courtroom. I did exactly this during a long trial. I just changed at security since I had to take my shoes off there anyway.

    2. No for me personally, but I’ve definitely seen them. Lug soles with a suit will never not look awkward to me. Wear flats if it’s an issue walking in pumps.

    3. I’m in SF and would wear them to federal court if the overall vibe was dressy. Like patent, generally sleek despite the sole.

    6. I personally think it’s fine as long as your judgment is that your overall outfit is professional and appropriate. I have seen so many men go to court in tattered old dress shoes without giving it a second thought. I can’t really imagine a judge caring about the trendiness of your loafers if your overall appearance is professional and put-together.

    7. There’s no need to wear pumps to court. I haven’t in many, many years.

      How big are the lug soles? If the shoes are a pretty inconspicuous overall, it’s not a problem.

      If going to court is a part of your job, a pair of simple comfortable loafers is a really good use of your money.

    8. I’d probably suggest full length pants with the loafers, but if they’re not too conspicuous, and you’re walking in winter snow/ice, I wouldn’t lose sleep over it.

    9. Why don’t you wear regular loafers? I think that’s a good compromise between a lug sole and heels.

    10. It’s a yes for me. Which ones are they? I’m still pining for the Celine Margaret loafers.

    11. Depends on your overall look. I have seen some women wear them in a very chic way (think Kara Swisher). But if you don’t really pull it off, it will look awkward and suggest you don’t know how to dress for work. Almost definitely not an issue for the judge but could for your colleagues or client. I’d just get normal soled loafers.

  6. Any good current offerings for black print or patterned office dresses? I have too many solid black and dark colored dresses and it is too black and blocky with black tights and black shoes or boots. I need something g that goes with black but has some sort of other colors or pattern or at least texture. Size 8-10, on the shorter side. Moira Rose vibe or a bit Dark Librarian (or whatever that vibe was).

    1. I like Karina dresses: https://www.karinadresses.com/. They are intelligently designed (wraps stay wrapped, flattering waistbands, etc.) and made in USA.

      My favorite style is Margaret, but it may run long on you (just below the knee on me). Several other styles are nice, too, depending on your taste–many are too short for me but may work well for you. They offer many prints in each style, including one or more with black. Here’s the Margaret in Sketchbook: https://www.karinadresses.com/collections/margaret/products/margaret-dress-sketchbook?variant=41219221094447

  7. Does anyone have a really plush bathmat that they just love? Ideally that comes in a couple of sizes and a warm sandy tan or dark beige color. Non slip would be nice but is not a must if it is a nice weight. I really want something cushy and luxe underfoot.

    Have not found anything local that fits the bill and am tired of ordering online only to have it arrive and be yet another sad flat thing that starts shedding its rubber backing after a few months.

    1. They don’t all look kid-like but the Target Pillowfort ones are heavy weight. They do take a long time to dry though.

    2. Curious turned me onto the Sonoma Goods for Life Ultimate line that you can get at Kohl’s. They are holding up great and super comfy.

    4. And along those lines, has anyone found a square bathmat that they love? I have an old one from Target’s Michael Graves line that is the PERFECT size for the small nook outside my shower. It needs to be replaced but I haven’t found anything quite like it.

      1. I have one from the Nate Berkus line at Target, a few years old. They might be the same, really.

    5. I have one from Crate & Barrel that is fairly heavy. I don’t remember what it was called but it was like $50.

  8. Hard pass on today’s pick. I 100% wore this shirt to wait tables in the 90s.

    2. Same, I had a pintucked shirt when the mad men wave was in 10 years ago and it doesn’t seem current.

  9. My sister is a teacher in elementary school. It seems that there is always some middle school like girl drama where there is a queen bee teacher and her minions and a lot of picking on whomever is new, often running the new hire off after a lot of tears and sniping. My sister is in a new school, replacing a run-off teacher? Any advice to pass along? It is distressing and she needs this job (and not to look like a job hopper). I work at a law firm that is now looking a lot less dysfunctional.

    1. This is sad, but not that surprising. One of my best friends is a veteran high school teacher. I think she would advise finding 1-2 colleagues who aren’t part of the immature scene. They have to exist. Befriend those people, even if they’re not the types she would hang out with in any other context.

    3. I’m sorry. This is definitely a thing in education; have several friends and family who could confirm that. It is a leadership problem in the school if this is happening repeatedly. I would highly recommend that she find 1-2 safe people that she trusts to hang out with and be friendly but not friends with the mean girls.

    4. My mom has been a teacher for 20+ years and there are definitely people who are cliquey, but I don’t recall anything like this. It sounds like a really dysfunctional school. I’m so sorry she is struggling with this. Ideally the principal would set the tone for how the school is run, but sometimes the teachers are more in charge of things. Agree with the other advice to stick close to the people who are not part of the drama.

  10. Warning: gross skin question.

    Does anyone have experience with a recurring blackhead? I had a stubborn one removed with a facial, but within about a week it was back. No home pore-clearing products have had any effect, and I have no other blackheads. I haven’t done anything reckless DIY, nor will I. Am I at the point of needing a dermatologist? (Searching online suggests I am). Thanks for any possibly easier suggestions…

    2. Have you ever watched any Dr. Pimple Popper or the like? Maybe they didn’t remove the entire sac? I would try a dermatologist.

    3. No experience or knowledge of this specific problem, so take this with a grain of salt. Before seeing a dermatologist, I would have one more go at a facial: it’s cheaper, easier, does not involve stitching your pore closed, and relaxing. If that does not clear it up, see a dermatologist.

    4. Please go to the dermatologist. If you have health insurance you will likely only have to pay the specialist copay, which is cheaper than a facial.

      FWIW my husband has/had this problem so you aren’t alone.

  11. What’s your favorite weather app for iPhone? I have used the Weather Channel app for years but lately the radar doesn’t work very well and that’s a really key feature for me.

    2. I’m an accuweather loyalist, although the recent intrusive ads have turned me off. I do like the actual information and app features, though.

    5. Following my local NWS office on Twitter! I’ve learned a lot, in addition to getting forecasts right from the source.

    7. I like the Norwegian weather service, YR. It is usually more accurate than others, down to the hours. However if I’m really needing to know exactly when and where it’s going to rain one day, I use windy.com and advance the projection forward.

  12. Any cheaper similar versions of the blouse in this post anyone can recommend? I love it, but not for that price. Thanks in advance!

  13. To those of you planning a wedding, I strongly caution against holding it during the holiday season. Many guests will get sick during Thanksgiving (or Christmas or New Years) travel and drop out of the wedding last minute. Worse, some people will get sick and show up anyway to infect all your other guests.

    Bonus PSA: If you make your bridesmaids take outdoor photos in December they will seriously reconsider their friendship with you.

    End of rant. No I’m a not bitter bridesmaid, why do you ask?

    1. Omg can we not? People get sick throughout the year. It’s impossible to have a totally illness free event. If you don’t like your friends when they ask you to be a bridesmaid just say no.

      2. I meant the winter sickness thing as a genuine piece of advice! I don’t blame the bride for the timing – in a pre-covid world this wouldn’t be an issue. But for two years in a row we’ve had a surge in illnesses around the holidays so it’s a valid consideration going forward. The outdoor photo part was pure snark and I stand by it.

        1. Do you really think people need to get condescending “advice” about winter illnesses? If you don’t like weddings, don’t go to weddings.

        1. But flu season is months long! Every person getting married can’t avoid all of those months for this.

          1. Yeah per CDC flu season is from October to May. Totally unrealistic to expect everyone to get married between June and September. Also we got married in August and people were annoyed it conflicted with summer vacations. There is no perfect time.

          2. No one is talking about April when they talk about flu season. Let’s be reasonable.

          3. As someone who has young kids I can assure you the cold/flu/RSV season very much goes into March or even April. And it starts in September. I’m not sure where you’re getting that viruses only circulate between Thanksgiving and NYE b/c that is not true at all.

        2. It’s common knowledge that people get sick more often in the winter. Kids are in school, people spend less time outdoors, etc. I would very much not like to attend a winter wedding these days. Also, yea, if the bride expected us to take photos in the freezing cold for 20 minutes without a space heater or something to wrap around us, I’d be pissed.

          1. Then rsvp no. Winter lasts November to March here if you want to hermit that whole time
            Pls do so. But don’t impose that on other people.

          2. I’m not saying don’t have a wedding from Nov to March. I’m saying maybe avoid having a wedding from Thanksgiving to NYE. Precovid I didn’t really care but times are different. But don’t worry I would definitely RSVP no to your wedding!

    2. There are downsides to every possible time to have a wedding. Summer is too hot and ruins people’s vacation plans. Fall does not overlap with any school breaks (in many parts of the country). Winter is too cold and is a lot with holiday travel. Any time from February to April will overlap with some school breaks but not others. May and June have Mothers Day, Fathers Day, and graduations.

      I know certain members of my family said it was inconvenient because they had new jobs and wanted me to wait an extra year so they had more PTO. Shrug. After that, I guess I tuned out the complaints about wedding timing.

      1. This was my thought reading the post too. Sorry, OP. I would definitely give the side eye to the outdoor December pictures depending on how long they took and where you are; but with all the other factors Anon at 10:12 mentions when planning a wedding there is no chance the theory that they should plan a wedding around potential holiday illnesses is reasonable. If people don’t make it to a wedding because they are sick, so be it. If people show up sick anyway, that sucks but is also a part of life at any party etc. that a bride doesn’t really have control over.

      2. Do it when people are in school and they hate you. In the summer, it is too hot. 3 day weekends — flights too expensive. No wonder people elope!

        1. Seriously! I would elope too. Seems like no one actually likes attending weddings and it’s all a big chore.

          1. I think that is more of a tone of this board than the average of how people feel in real life. I think weddings are fun. And if there were ones that were out of my budget or didn’t work with my schedule, I turned them down. I get there is a time when they are a bit overwhelming (but then, see prior: turn some down), but one day they will stop suddenly.

          2. This board feels oddly anti weddings. I love weddings and am sad when friends opt to not have a celebration. I want to celebrate the people I love!!

          3. I think some of the anti-wedding feeling here is that most people on the board, and their circle, have the financial means to make weddings a real production. Weekend-long bachelorette parties in far-away cities, expensive dresses, destination weddings, etc. And then everyone does one. Weddings used to be a 3 hour thing on a weekend afternoon in the church basement with tea and cookies, you know?

          4. I’m the Anon at 10:12. I figured out that people who like attending weddings would try to come (being very literal – not that they did come, they just made a good faith effort of seeing if it could work), and the ones who did not want to be there would find something to complain about.

            Since we got married in our late 30s, everyone in the wedding party had a lot going on in their lives. We found one date that worked for all eight people, was not horrific for other guests, and that is when we got married. Some people complained. Some couldn’t make it. Some said it worked rather well.

          5. Anon @ 10:58 – Agreed. I am a rich lady lawyer, but most of my family are working class and our family weddings are, like, a church ceremony with cake in the parish hall and maybe the family goes out to a restaurant. It’s not a huge production. I love all weddings, but most of my experience of them is also not these massive three-day, super all-consuming celebrations.

          6. The weddings that people discuss on this board seem over-the-top compared to what I see in my crowd. Like the people who have these all-out destination bachelorette parties and insane requirements of guests are the exception, not the rule. And would be discussed unfavorably, TBH.

          7. In fairness, a lot of women here likely have friends who are from all over the country or moved all over the country. Many of my high school friends live relatively near where we grew up; my college and law school friends are scattered all over. So weddings involve a lot of travel, and that gets annoying and expensive fast.

          8. +1 to 1:06 I was going to say the same thing. The world is more global now and if you went to a college, law school and/or MBA all in different parts of the country you have likely accumulated friends that also have scattered to lots of different places. So no matter where you have a wedding it is likely a “destination wedding” or destination bachelorette for a significant amount of attendees, whether it’s in your current city, your hometown or a random weekend in Vegas – so I can see the thought process that it might as well be somewhere fun then if everyone is taking a flight either way. Not really fair to hold that against the couple getting married. Of course, with the assumption that anyone can say no, and rethinking bridal parties in this world is something to think about, although I had a big one : )

        2. Part of the reason I’m hesitant to get married is the whole wedding planning part. I’d love to elope but my parents would be furious and hurt and then you have to invite some family members but then others would be offended etc. I don’t really need to get married anyway.

          1. Being married to the right person is wonderful. Don’t let the logistics of a wedding get in the way of that. Just accept there’s no way to wedding without irritating someone and do what feels right to you and your spouse. You’re really the only two people who matter when it comes to your wedding.

          2. You can get married without the agony of wedding planning. Just do it. Your parents’ regrets will fade as the see you settled in your marriage. I have been there, done that and highly recommend. I was the first in my family in recent memory to skip the wedding piece, but at least a handful of siblings, cousins and even my mother have since made the same decision I did.

          4. Get married anyways. We got married on a Thursday afternoon with only our parents and siblings present, and went to dinner at a nice restaurant afterwards. The end. Quick, easy, relatively cheap.

          5. I fully support the not getting married or having a tiny courthouse wedding. But I just want to throw in a thought from the other side — having a wedding was a wonderful experience and I’m so glad I did it. I hated every single minute of the planning process — it is not for me at all — but the event was beautiful and it was meaningful to have all of our most important people there with us. I really treasure those memories and photos, and it was totally worth the effort and cost.

          6. I had a small-ish wedding (40 people) but if I had it to do over again, we would have invited like 12 people and gone to the courthouse and gone to a nice lunch afterward. I’ve known several people who did that over the years and they had so much fun compared to my friends and I, who had event weddings and had to deal with all the stress and event planning. You can totally skip doing a wedding if you don’t want one. There’s a middle ground between eloping with just you and your partner and having a drive-you-crazy, not-worth-it wedding.

      3. +1. I live in New Orleans, and there are about 6 weekends per year where it feels like all the weddings take place. The rest of time, it’s too hot, in the middle of hurricane season, in the middle of football season, in the middle of Mardi Gras, or during jazz fest. The holidays are actually pretty convenient compared to many of the other possible times.

        1. Except holidays are traditionally when people see family. Missing a football game or a jazz fest isn’t the same as not spending Thanksgiving or Christmas with one’s extended family due to travel for a wedding of a friend. While I love weddings, I would probably beg off that timing. But that’s OK—an invite is just an invite and not a summons and the couple should ultimately do what they want.

          I personally had a destination wedding, which I know some people were upset about. That’s OK though. It meant a lot to me and I have memories now with my closest friends and family that I wouldn’t change for anything thanks to spending a few days together the way we did.

          Also, sometimes those getting married just have to shut out the noise because there will always be people who want to criticize or make it about them. My husband suggested changing the date of our wedding (which worked with inexpensive direct flight schedules and avoided my period) to work around a “friend’s” half-marathon (guy runs them all the time). Friends, husband talks to this guy once every 5-10 years if that and dude regularly has layovers at the airport nearby without saying anything in advance. That was a no.

          A few minutes of standing in the cold for pictures that will be around for years and years also shouldn’t be a reason to change a wedding date.

          1. You mentioned the marathon story before and it is obnoxious of the guy. Just RSVP no and send a present! Even if it’s an Abbott World race, just RSVP no. You’re not in the wedding party so your schedule is not a factor (IMHO).

          2. “Missing a football game or a jazz fest isn’t the same as not spending Thanksgiving or Christmas with one’s extended family due to travel for a wedding of a friend.”

            Tell me you did not attend an SEC school without telling me you did not attend an SEC school. (I am kidding – but only a little bit. My family would probably still come and only complain for . . . the rest of my life.)

          3. Oh, there are definitely families who get together for LSU tailgating and would rather miss Thanksgiving than an LSU game :-) But I meant that travel to and staying in New Orleans are extremely difficult and expensive on the weekends of Saints games and games like the Bayou Classic and Sugar Bowl, other events like the NCAA tournament, jazz fest, and Mardi Gras. Unless your out of town guests are willing to spend a few thousand more to come to your wedding, you have to carefully plan around these big tourist events. Then the heat is miserable from the end of May through September, and hurricane season lasts from July through October. So… just not that many desirable weekends. So, on certain winter and spring weekends, every venue is booked way in advance, you see dozens of wedding photo shoots and second lines all over the Quarter, and it seems half of everyone you know has a wedding to attend.

    3. There is no good time to have a wedding. On the contrary, the holiday weddings I’ve been to have been absolutely beautiful and magical because churches and even reception halls are all decked out. And families have the desire to get together anyway, so there are good reasons for bringing everyone together for a Big Life Event. Now, the outdoor photo shoot wasn’t great, but how long are we talking?

      1. This! And it’s especially fun to get glammed up this time of year and go to a party. I love weddings any time of the year. And for an outdoor shoot, I just pretend I’m a supermodel doing something for Vogue but I’m a special one because I can eat appetizers and have drinks after.

    4. Lots of haters today, but it sounds like it was exhausting and no fun. The bride probably really appreciates you being there and making it work through all of that. Also, outside photos in December? Let me wear faux fur or else brrrrrrrrrrrr

      2. We did an outdoor photoshoot in January. It was 50 degrees, sunny, and we wore those faux fur shrugs that are $35 on Amazon. It was in a courtyard, so there was almost no wind.

    5. I got married in early fall and several people got sick last minute and missed it. It can happen any time of year! If you do not wat to go or be a bridesmaid, just say no.

    6. OP here. You all have given me a lot to think about. I hear that there’s no perfect time for wedding.

      I left out some big bridezilla details. I came out of this wedding feeling…used. I really am reconsidering the friendship. Right now I suppose I’m fixating on the illness thing because it means the wedding wasn’t just one difficult day. Now it’s several days of misery. Maybe I’ll feel differently in time.

      2. Being in weddings is hard work! I’m sorry your friend was difficult and compounded that. Hope you feel better soon and can have another think about it all.

      3. Honestly, I understand your feelings. It’s a flaw of mine, but I’d be delighted my friend is happy, accept the invitation to be a bridesmaid, but then secretly stew over these types of issues (but not in a way that she would know about!). The truth is that I don’t really like weddings but I do want to be there for my friends, and saying no to being a bridesmaid would be a HUGE deal in most friendships. A way bigger deal than me showing up and secretly having a bad time.

        I took your vent just as an anonymous vent after something you didn’t enjoy, not an indictment of your character or your ability to be a good friend!

        1. Thank you, I really appreciate it. I promise I don’t hate weddings like another commenter suggested. This wedding would have been fun as a regular guest. The bride didn’t mention the undesirable aspects of the plan until a couple weeks beforehand so I didn’t know what I was getting into. Between the mild hypothermia (I’m not exaggerating), the bride’s yelling and door slamming, and the cold I have right now I’m just drained and venting to you strangers.

          1. That does sound genuinely miserable! Hope you’re holed up with some hot soup and an escapist movie or show, and that you feel better soon.

          2. Wow, the only person I yelled at on the day of my wedding was my MIL (who would not leave the makeup/hair staging area) and was in my face, yammering on about grandchildren, while I was this.close to having a full-on panic attack. I didn’t even yell at my BIL, who didn’t extract my MIL from the staging area at the appointed time because *she* had told him she was having so much fun she needed to stay!

            This is a friendship to reconsider, and you’re a good friend for putting up with all that nonsense. My sister was in a similar wedding and she doesn’t talk to the bride much anymore.

      4. Plus one to give it time, but it’s also okay to feel your feelings now. Take some inspo from the hygge subthread if you can. This winter’s flu etc season is early and awful for a lot of us, so you get all the grace from me and any other coworker who’s also been hit hard.

      6. This is a late reply, but if you’re still reading I want to say I was surprised that you got such challenging feedback from your initial post. I totally understand your rant!

        Signed,
        Someone who got married on our front porch with a judge and dear friends who were our witnesses. After we married, the judge married our friends and we witnessed their wedding. Then all four of us went out for dinner. It was great.

    7. I am not capable of looking happy or pleasant outside in December unless I’m in Florida or Hawaii or something. Even 5 minutes would be too long.

    8. Honestly, bow out. People don’t want bitter people at their weddings, let alone in them. It’s bad vibes and a bummer.

      Also PSA that weddings are expensive and difficult to coordinate and involve compromise. People are generally aware the winter comes with risk of illness and is cold. You probably should have also realized that when you agreed to be in the wedding.

      1. Jeez…

        I didn’t complain here about normal compromises like the color of my dress or the hotel. I didn’t say anything about money either. Of course I understand being in a wedding involves some compromise. I’m unhappy that we didn’t find out until a couple weeks beforehand that we’re starting hair and makeup at 5:30am for a late afternoon ceremony…or that we have to be at the rehearsal mid afternoon on a weekday…or that we’re doing outdoor photos at three different locations in 25 degree weather. These are not typical expectations that you should assume are part of the deal when you agree to be a bridesmaid.

        When I learned this it was too close to the wedding to back out. I never said I acted like a bummer that day. I’m venting that I got sick so it wasn’t just a single rough day that’s already behind me. But sure I’m an unreasonable monster who’s incapable of compromising.

    9. I think the whole concept of “bridesmaids” and “wedding party” needs to be re-thought. My husband and I had one attendant each and it was perfect. Highly recommend. Just let your friends be guests and enjoy the party!

      1. But what will people do for the ‘gram?! /s

        In all seriousness, I agree with you! I’m not that old, but I was in several wedding parties in my 20s. They were all pretty traditional weddings, and being a bridesmaid still didn’t come with nearly as many expectations and demands that seem to be customary now. Or maybe my friends are more chill than I realized, IDK.

      2. Yeah, in general the only weddings where I’ve enjoyed being part of a big bridal party have been ones where all the attendants knew each other. Which generally meant only in my 20s (although my BFF got married at 37 and her attendants were all friends so we had a ball).

      3. The bridesmaids at the wedding I attended last weekend were the brides’ sisters (bride 1 is one of 4 sisters, bride 2 has 1 sister). No groomsmen, no bouquet tosses, and a an absolute HORDE of adorable baby cousins and kids as flower children. Everybody wore a dress or pants from the same general color scheme. Loved it.

      5. I got married at 37 and we didn’t do bridal parties. My close friends organized an activity, dinner and drinks in my honor as a pseudo-bachlorette and it was wonderful! Those who could make it came, those who had other commitments didn’t, and no one had to travel or wear matching anything.

      6. My wedding was great but if I could go back in time I would re-do it with only one attendant each.

    10. I just attended a lovely wedding in Mexico (destination wedding) and I’m so sorry. The brides were super thoughtful and made it so easy and fun. Some people just suck.

    11. I think you have to be a little extra to have a huge holiday season wedding. Not to say all holiday weddings are bad – I can definitely see how it would work out great if you have family members who live all over but always come home for Christmas. It’s the people who want a club-like experience with everyone they’ve ever known and then insist on having it over the holidays, or on a Thursday or Friday, or some other super inconvenient and expensive-for-guests time, that makes it seem like they’re cost shifting to their guests and care more about being the center of attention than being good hosts.

      1. I agree with you on Thursday or Friday weddings, but not on “holiday season.” There. is. no. good. time. to. have. a wedding.

  14. Bathroom renovation inspiration? We are renovating our two bathrooms. One in the basement as the guest bath with a walk in shower and one upstairs for us (2 adults and 2 kids) with a tub. Both are small! Do you all have any recommendations on where I can find ideas? I tried searching “small bathrooms” but the pictures that came up show bathrooms much bigger than ours (face palm).

    Unrelated, thank you to everyone that chimed in on my outfit choice for my partnership interview. I went with the caramel suit (from REISS) and it went well. I am now officially getting promoted to partnership effective Jan 1!!!!

    2. Hotel bathrooms are often small, I would look at those? I have two very small bathrooms and for me two things are essential: layout and door placement. There’s only enough room for a tiny shower and full vanity, or full shower and small sink, but I can’t have both be full sized. They also need to be arranged in a way that the door won’t swing into the bath mat. Pocket doors and sliding doors are good solutions if things can’t be moved.

      1. I feel like hotel bathrooms are often designed by people who don’t use hotel bathrooms. Maybe I’m the only one who doesn’t get into a shower with just a bar of soap, but those tiny niches or tiny shelves in hotel showers are just not enough.

        Also, pedestal sinks, unless in a powder room that is in a house that has two other regular bathrooms, are of the devil. I will make a concession for older houses that squeeze in a very, very tiny bathroom somewhere – I get that you can’t have a regular sink with a little counter surface in those.

    3. Congrats!

      Idk if this is weird but I like to look on Zillow for ideas. I find houses that are similar to mine and see what has been renovated.

      1. When I look at Zillow, I mostly see lots of stuff done by flippers that looks nice but would be very annoying if you actually had to live with it- things like pedestal sinks. Always maximize bathroom storage!

    5. Bungalow bathrooms book on Amazon. It has punny bathroom humor throughout.

      Also, Maria Killam’s site. And Kohler. I used Kohler’s design service for an odd space and it was well worth the $1000ish to talk with a bathroom designer but I also came with a sense of materials and colors b it it went from B- to A+ with some good design help.

    7. Congrats!

      I would look at European brands. Duravit makes tubs that are reasonably comfy to sit (or stand) in but have smaller overall dimensions than many American brands.

      1. Oh and also-
        -Pedestal sinks or open-shelving styles may look airy, but are 100% impractical. You want a vanity with a real cabinet.
        -Medicine cabinets.
        -Over-toilet cabinets.
        -Wall-mounted towel warmer helps multiple towels dry quickly.
        -HOOKS
        -Rainfall shower heads are the enemy. In a small shower, you can never step out of the flow. Annoying for keeping water out of your eyes and shaving, in particular.

        1. I hate novelty showerheads. Maybe I’m a grinch, but I don’t want my home shower to be an Experience. I want it to serve its purpose without fuss.

          1. Me too. Mostly I just want it to effectively get shampoo and conditioner out of my hair.

        2. Omg, I thought I was the only person who didn’t like rainfall shower heads! I like my shower head to be at an angle so my body can be wet but I can keep my head out, so water doesn’t get into my eyes. And yes, they are terrible for when you are trying to shave your legs.

        3. Hate rain showers. Just give me a cheap-o one from the hardward store with a good strong flow!

          Also, put a little shelf in the shower to put your foot on while shaving your legs. It’s a game-changer!

          1. Make sure you tell them the correct height for the ledge. If you leave it to a male contractor they’ll make it too high.

            I highly recommend a large niche or multiple shelves for toiletries, especially if this shower will be shared.

          2. Haha I had my contractor and the tile guy go in the shower with me with their measuring tapes, and demonstrated exactly where I wanted it!

          3. +1000 to the shelf or niche. When we were renovating, DH snapped a picture of me pretending to shave in our half-built bathroom so I could test the height of the niche.

    8. Just…do all the planning in advance. Our main 2nd floor bath flooded this summer so we decided to use it as an opportunity to gut it to the studs and expand it. it’s december and still not done :). All i want for Christmas is my kids not using the primary bathroom anymore! Current hold up is a backordered shower fixture.

    9. It looks like Apartment Therapy has some. I have a small NYC apartment and renovated 2 tiny bathrooms–we actually moved a wall so we could fit a normal tub in ours; the previous owners had the rear ledge of their tub inside the wall. But I just looked at pictures of bathrooms of any size for inspiration on tile, colors, and fixtures, and then tried to replicate what I liked about them using materials small enough to fit in our space (and that could fit our equally tiny budget). We didn’t want to change the layout of the toilet/tub/sink as that was a lot more expensive. Wayfair allows you to search for vanities and other furniture pieces by dimensions.

      1. PS – a wall-mounted towel warmer is a great space saver. You can hang several damp towels overlapping each other in one small area and they will all get dry. Use a vanity, not a pedestal sink, for storage, and install a medicine cabinet for more storage.

        1. I’m a big fan of the towel warmer to dry delicates, like handwashed cashmere sweaters, too. It’ s great!

      1. We effectively (or possibly really) have a GODMORGON Ikea 2-drawer vanity. The thing I love in our tiny (tiny!) full bath is that the countertop starts on the vanity and then runs along the wall as a half-counter with our toilet tucked underneath. I just googled – this is called a banjo countertop. (There’s plenty of room to remove the top of the tank and maintain the toilet – ask me how I know), but it provides a lot of “extra” counter space that we wouldn’t get, because there’s only room for the sink + toilet on that side. We have a large medicine cabinet in the same style as the vanity, above the toilet (plus a large mirror above the sink).

        We hang our towels on the wall opposite the toilet + sink (I do not love this, but the only alternative is the back of the door, which I love even less, because the door opens right onto the toilet).

        When our shower/tub was re-installed, the prior owners had a shelf built into both walls. 10/10.

        I will say – we can’t keep any “extras” in our bathroom. We have a hall closet that I use as a linen closet and keep all spares (soap, TP, towels, health and beauty supplies used less than monthly, etc) in there.

    12. I just re-did my bathroom and my very favorite thing, which idea I stole from a hotel in Iceland, is the auxiliary toilet paper holder. Similar to this one https://www.amazon.com/Stainless-Bathroom-Lavatory-Dispenser-A2175S12-BK/dp/B0775GQDRF?source=ps-sl-shoppingads-lpcontext&ref_=fplfs&smid=AFYZNN7ULQWBK&th=1 but mounted vertically, low on the wall behind the toilet.

      You can save space by having hooks instead of bars for towels.

      Also, if you have a niche in the shower for shampoo and such, try to have it where it’s only visible from inside the shower. Because those awesome-looking niches with the contrasting tile only look awesome until the moment you actually put a bottle of shampoo in them. (Ask me how I know — learned that lesson in the last house!)

      And YAY on the partnership!! Well done!!

    13. My advice – 90% of inspo is deciding on the colors and finishes that appeal to you. With some exceptions (massive 24″ tile), most will work in a small bathroom. Also, that is what you will notice most. Talk to your contractor about how much room there is to make changes – if the plumbing needs to stay in the same spot or else its going to be $$$, then you are looking at a facelift – new tile, new cabinets, etc. Also, think about what works and what doesn’t in the bathroom – e.g., do you need more plugs (always), does current layout work well, etc. If it is a small bathroom, I would look into finding someone that can do custom cabinets in your area. That is the biggest factor that will change as a toilet is always the same size.

      1. Oh, and just say “no” to accent tile. That will date the look faster than anything.

    14. Something I’m liking design-wise for bathroom is dark green/jade vertical glass tile. Of course, it would work in any other color as well (I’ve seen a pearly opal, pink, sage, and dusky blue). Like this: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/702069029398820611/ or this https://www.pinterest.com/pin/311592867980028533/

      Good use of vertical storage goes a long way – even a tall slender cabinet can offer a lot. I’ve even seen some wall-cut-ins for storage https://www.pinterest.com/pin/144044888073117379/

  15. Has anyone spotted a special shirt or sweater for sale? I’m looking for something to wear to a holiday party this coming Saturday, so available in a store in NYC would be best.

    I’m a size 10/12 (M/L in shirts), with somewhat broad shoulders and a large chest, and a bit of an apple shape. I look terrible in light colors (no cream or winter white), and although I usually just wear black or navy, for a party I’d prefer something like maroon, purple, blue, green, etc. I prefer v-necks or scoop necks to turtle necks.

    If I can’t find anything that speaks to me, I’ll go with something I own, but I’m hoping someone may have seen or bought something recently. For browsing purposes, I’ll look at any price-point at least for inspiration. Thanks!

    3. I just bought the Shimmer Clip Dot Pleated Ruffle Blouse from Ann Taylor and love it. It’s a black base, but I feel like the shimmery dots make it festive. I wore it to one casual holiday party already and got compliments. I wear S or M but I feel like this one works for all sizes.

    6. This is what Anthropologie is for.

      Something like this: https://www.anthropologie.com/shop/by-anthropologie-velvet-cutwork-top?category=tops-blouses&color=052&type=STANDARD&quantity=1&size=M

      Or: https://www.anthropologie.com/shop/by-anthropologie-velvet-wrap-blouse2?category=tops-blouses&color=009&type=STANDARD&quantity=1&size=M

      Or: https://www.anthropologie.com/shop/sunday-in-brooklyn-sequin-buttondown?category=party-tops&color=041&type=STANDARD&quantity=1&size=M

      1. OOOh, I love that Sunday in Brooklyn top. I wish it wasn’t sold out in Navy.

  16. I’m having an awful day at work. An issue that started yesterday has escalated, and it’s now in my boss’s boss’s hands to diffuse. :( The short version is that a client didn’t like a decision I made, and when I politely responded with a brief explanation of why, it became clear that he was not interested in an actual conversation. Now he is being completely nasty over email and has made some wild accusations about my character and fitness to hold my position. While copying my boss, her boss, my direct report, and some other people in our organization who have nothing to do with this. I’m no longer responding to him. I have never had an experience quite like this, and even though I know this guy is behaving terribly, it’s rattled me to the core. And it’s just embarrassing. Hope leadership has my back. Can I go home and crawl under a blanket?

      1. Yeah, I’m trying not to give away too many details, on the off chance that a coworker reads here. This individual has more power in this equation, which makes it extra icky.

    3. That is not a normal way for someone to behave. The explosion is a serious character defect on his part. If yiur management is normal, they will see this.

    4. I’m so sorry. I’m in higher ed and parents do this all the time. I keep repeating to myself that it’s a reflection on the client/parent, not me. There is no benefit to engaging with some people – they just get nastier. Sometimes a walk helps. This has happened to all staff I know at my employer. I wonder if it’s the dude who reported me to the SVP of a different division yesterday for unprofessional behavior because I disconnected the phone call after we both said goodbye.

      1. Higher Ed as in college or technical school? And you are dealing directly with parents? Man, we are really failing the younger generations, aren’t we?

        1. Some parents are very involved in their children’s higher education despite all attempts to get them to butt out.

    5. I’m sorry, this really sucks. As you’ve said, you know this guy is behaving badly and I’m sure all the others cc’d will agree. I wish we lived in a society where your boss or a senior partner could call the guy and tell him this isn’t how we talk to people and he needs to get down off his high horse real quick, but “the customer is always right” still prevails even when it’s not true.

    7. I’m sure your boss and their boss know it is not you, but to alleviate my anxiety I would try to touch base with them on this today or tomorrow. Also, if you can, leave early and go home to relax.

    8. The good news is that his behavior is so wild and out of line that he just seems bonkers.

      I would write a brief, emotionless description of your decision and why you made it in an email to your boss. No apologies if you didn’t actually make a mistake. If you made a mistake, state exactly what it was. Offer to meet or talk in the phone.

      Then treat yourself somehow.

    9. I’m so sorry, it feels so personal when clients attack your methods and style, and this guy is being a huge a-hole. Time and distance will help, but remember that just because this guy is loud doesn’t mean he’s right.

  17. How do you, as the youths say, romanticize your life? (Aka practice gratitude about the little things). I’m especially interested in hygge or cozy things since it’s getting cold and dark here in new england.

    Lately I’ve been putting music on while I cook, lighting a candle while I work, taking the dog for longer walks at lunchtime, working on a puzzle in the evening with my husband instead of laying on the couch, drinking herbal tea to get more hydrated and feel cozy, lighting a bunch of tea lights, having friends over for board games, actually having fires in my fireplace.

    Would love to hear what others are doing too!

    1. Candles are important on these long, dark evenings! I have 3-4 scents that I rotate through. My menu changes somewhat during the winter months; I’m more apt to cook stews, soups, and heartier meals. I enjoy baking. I have plush blankets everywhere. Curl up in front of the fireplace with a book, not a phone or electronics device. Keeping the lights dim after 7:30. I think I read in The Little Book of Hygge to keep a small “hygge box” filled with things like chocolates, cozy socks, books, and candles.

    3. I have a new, soft, warm throw blanket that I’ve been carrying around the house with me. We have Christmas decorations out, so the tree and its lights and the greenery on the mantle help. If you don’t celebrate Christmas, you could still put out some wintry arrangements. I’ve been drinking a lot of tea. If you drink alcohol, my husband and I enjoy a glass of port some evenings in the winter (it keeps in the refrigerator several weeks, significantly longer than regular wine).

      We’ve also been trying to keep our house tidy (or tidier) and clean(er). It’s not ready to be on a magazine cover, but I can’t have a sense of well-being and coziness with stuff everywhere and visible dirt. I also have allergies and asthma, which act up when the dust and cat hair get to be too much, and there’s no hygge when you can’t breathe.

      1. Hubby and I have nice soft throw blankies and they even have names: Mr. and Mrs. Fluffy!

    4. I’m Jewish but we put up a tree and lights and make the living room cozy and have a drink before dinner in there. Also candles with dinner every night. It’s amazing how even leftovers taste better by candlelight.

      1. My husband installed smart dimmer switches. So even though we don’t do candles (which are even better) very often, we have a “dinner time” setting that puts the light fixture above our table at 50% and all the other lights in the kitchen and living room at 25%. At other times, I love turning off the overhead lights and switching on table and floor lamps for a cozy vibe.

    5. I like having nice loungewear to change into for after work – something cozier and nice than old Ts and sweats. Feels luxurious. :)

    6. I am really leaning into Christmas this year. I gave myself permission to go “all out” and decorate my house even if the decor isn’t perfect and doesn’t match like Pinterest.

      I am also loving a Youtube channel I discovered, Cecilia Blomdahl. She lives on an island near the North Pole. I am really enjoying her videos and the way she gets thru the 4 months of polar night. There is something about her videos that make me want to lean into the warm and cozy and embrace winter.

        1. Thanks for sharing this!

          It is interesting. The 4 months of all daylight sound actually more disruptive than the dark months!

    7. Allllll the candles and moodlighting as soon as it gets dark (4:30 pm lately). I use every excuse to turn on our gas fireplace. In the post bedtime tidying up/resetting I try to reset our den first (coziest room in the house) by putting toys away, lighting fire and candles, putting on Christmas jazz, and then I do the kitchen and the less fun stuff. That way it’s like DH and I have this very cozy welcoming space to retreat to for the evening when kids are in bed and all our chores are done. I’m preggers now but normally he would make us a nice cocktail and we’d relax together in hygge heaven.

  18. The post above and a recent post about clients has me curious. I’m not a lawyer and have no connection at all to the field so this will probably sound like a dumb question – who are your “clients” – especially demanding ones? When you say client, are you usually talking about individuals or reps from a company/business (where working with you is this person’s job)? Can you give some examples of types of clients? I work in corporate finance and I am completely shielded from the “customer” world. And as a human being, I can’t imagine the need to be so demanding.

    1. I’ve had clients all over the board. Everything from representatives of giant insurance carriers to small business owners. The small business owners could be anything from someone who owns 14 car dealerships to a family-owned food manufacturing plant to a one-man construction firm to a solo practitioner lawyer. Some clients take lawsuits as just part of doing business, and others take every single legal problem as a personal affront. I represented a lawyer once that would go on rants about how everyone was out to “get” him, including his own attorneys (when we would try to give him a realistic view of his exposure in a situation). Ditto for the construction guy. My take is that it’s a lot harder for smaller businesses, because they’ve built the business from the ground up with their own blood, sweat and tears, or it’s a business that’s been in the family for five generations, so it feels a lot more personal for them. By and large I found the insurance rep clients to just be more of a rubber stamp.

    2. A Big Law’s attorneys client is usually a corporate counsel, I.e., an in-house attorney.

    3. If you’re at a firm, your “client” is used to mean both the company you’re representing and, at times, specific individuals you’re working with (primary contact being an in-house attorney, but you often work with the business deal leads too). If you’re venting that a client is being unreasonable, it’s the second definition, lol.

      If in-house, the “client” is technically your employer company (you don’t represent the employees!), but when you actually use in conversation, you’re referring to the business people leading the project you’re working on.

    4. I’m in-house and support a corporate function, so my client is the function. However, since you can’t advise a non-person, it becomes everyone from the top level exec of the function down to the entry level person BUT only as it relates to the company’s business. Sarah Smith is not my client as an individual, Sarah Smith is my “client” in her role at Chief Procurement Officer at ZYX Company bc the company has hired me as counsel. If Sarah Smith has an action against ZYX Company, my duty is to the company and Sarah Smith needs to hire her own outside of the company attorney.

    5. I have many types of clients.

      When I represent small to medium sized business clients, my contact is typically an owner or a group of owners. Maybe a HR person.

      When I represent large companies, my contact is usually in-house counsel.

      When I represent a government or agency, my contact often a staff person whose work is supervised by elected officials.

    6. I was a personal injury attorney a few decades ago. Part of my job was to answer the questions of our numerous clients. (I actually loved this part of the job.) It was always the person with the not very serious injury and questionable fact pattern that would just yell and scream. The people with horrible injuries as a rule were much more polite and reasonable.

  19. What is your favorite recipe for the lentil dish — mejdara? — that many of you like? FedEx lost our Blue Apron box this week, so I’m getting to be creative with what’s in the freezer and cabinets. We were frankly due for a clean out, and I’m excited to try a new recipe!

    1. No advice, but FedEx. Whenever a package is AWOL, it’s always FedEx. They’re so bad compared to the mail and UPS that it honestly affects where I shop. Walmart uses FedEx vs. A-zn using mail or UPS? A-zn wins.

      1. I know! I saw your FedEx vent on yesterday’s thread and was like preach, Cat, preach.

        1. FedEx and UPS run circles around OnCrack (aka OnTrac). I’ve twice had packages from Nordstrom’s where Nordstrom’s and OnCrack’s app say that they’ve been delivered. Two days later, the truck arrives and the guy hands it to me. I think they fudge their actual deliveries to pump up their ontime percentage, and this is year-round, not just holiday season. Some of the online reviews of OnCrack are hilarious but not really funny – packages in bushes and left by the street.

      2. On the other hand, where I live FedEx is so, so much better than UPS. Like, worlds apart. I’ll take FedEx over UPS any day.

    2. Not medajra, but my favorite lentil dish is red lentil coconut, ginger and turmeric curry. Both broth and coconut milk for liquids.

    3. My (inauthentic) mujadara recipe: Saute lentils and rice in oil until the rice turns opaque. Add salt, cumin, garlic, and other spices as desired and fry for a minute or so. Then add broth to cover and simmer. Stir and add more broth as needed, kind of like risotto. Taste test for salt and spices along the way. Turn off heat once the lentils are cooked. Separately, fry onion slices in oil until desired crispiness and then add on top of the lentil mixture. Swirl in a dollop of yogurt and a squeeze of lemon on top, and enjoy!

    4. Idk, I ordered chairs from Wayfair yesterday morning and they just arrived via Fedex. So weird.

    5. The Smitten Kitchen Keepers cookbook has a recipe for stewed lentils with kale and goat cheese that was really, really tasty. I used the lentils I had on hand, which were green, but will use French lentils next time as I think they’ll hold their shape better.

  20. Any experience with DeMellier bags? Getting stalked on social media and the Midi Montreal is really calling to me…

    1. I have the mini venice in black and camel. I got influenced into buying one a few years ago when I saw Meghan Markle and some of the royals wearing demellier (used to be called something else–milli millu–they rebranded a few years ago). Both bags seem high quality for the price point especially as compared to brands like Tory Burch, Rebecca Minkoff, etc. and I like because the brand isn’t super ubiquitous at least it isn’t everywhere in my neck of the woods in the US.

  21. Recs for sweater dresses? Looking for something long sleeved, knee length or slightly longer. Need cute warm clothes to get me through having to go back to the office daily next month…

  22. Anyone else experiencing long delays in getting stuff you ordered on Black Friday/Cyber Monday? I ordered some kitchen items from a specialty company and while they shipped within a totally reasonable three business days, FedEx put them on a truck that meandered through four states in six days and it arrived yesterday instead of last Thursday as FedEx had promised. I also placed an order exactly a week ago (Tuesday morning) with Loft and none of the items have even shipped yet. I get that they likely have thousands of orders to process and I didn’t expect anything to ship until at least last Friday, but a full week with zero items shipping has never happened to me before.

    On the flip side, I ordered some things from Macy’s the Tuesday before Thanksgiving while I was out of town and based on the shipping info on their website I expected them to arrive several days after I returned home. Nope! They all shipped within 24 hours of placing my order and arrived to my house before I did. Thankfully no porch pirates.

    1. Yes! I bought a pair of diamond earrings for my niece at Sam’s club. They were $100 on Black Friday. They were supposed to be delivered on Nov. 30 but when I tracked them with FedEx they’ve been in Lawrence, NY since Nov. 30. I called Sam’s they said they’d have to get back with me after they talk to FedEx. I’m really worried I’m not going to get them…..and I don’t have another gift for my niece. Sam’s Club still has them in stock so I’m hoping they’ll make good and send me another pair.

    2. Yes. I didn’t buy many things, and every one had problems. Just bad luck I guess. Only one arrived and it came yesterday.

    4. I ordered some discount sweaters from J. Crew Factory on Cyber Monday and I got them this past weekend. Very prompt.

    5. I ordered some Christmas gifts from Barnes & Noble yesterday and they have already shipped somehow. I was expecting it to take A LOT longer.

    6. lol. Again. FedEx.

      JCrew hasn’t shipped my Black Friday order yet, but that’s not surprising, their standard shipping has been really slow for years now.

    7. YUP. What I love is that I accidentally ordered the wrong color foundation from Smashbox, which I realized the next day – after the sale was over. I reached out to ask if I could amend my order and was told it was too late. Lolz, it’s been 6 days and it hasn’t shipped yet – surely there was time for me to change my order?

  23. Any travel tips for Cape Town? My husband and I are going in January and have a day to ourselves. We’re also heading to Stellenbosch and would love any recs for wineries to visit!

    1. Check with your country’s embassy for advice. The US State Department usually has pretty thorough advice on its website for each country.

    2. We went to Test Kitchen and did a cooking class in someone’s home, both were delightful! We also hired a driver to take us around for half a day to see the penguins at Boulders Beach, Lions Head, and Table Mountain.

      Delaire Graff is fabulous!

    3. Climb Table Mountain. Visit the Boulders penguin colony. Browse through the V & A Waterfront Shopping Centre. Robben Island tour. Shark cage diving. Choose a mini zoo’s worth of beaded animals (you’ll see them everywhere!). We did all of those on a trip at Christmas a couple years ago and it was all memorable.

    4. Harbour House, a seafood restaurant. Granted, I went 10 years ago, but the reviews are still good. One of the best meals of my life. It’s the perfect stop after you visit the park at the Cape of Good Hope (also worth it). I’m talking about the location on Harbour, Main Rd, the restaurant is built on a deck and the view is insane.

    5. Hope I’m not too late for recommendations! My husband and I just went in October. I booked drivers through Ilios Travel for our day trips (but set my own itineraries).
      -We did one day of touring Table Mountain and the Cape Peninsula (Boulders Beach and the Cape of Good Hope in particular), and spent a couple of days wine tasting. If you don’t have a lot of time in Cape Town, Table Mountain is what you should for sure hit.
      -Favorite wineries were DeMorgenzon and Glenelly Estate. Delaire Graff and Tokara are also worth a stop. We were supposed to hit Noble Hill and Babylonstoren but were too wined out after eating/drinking our way through SA (Cape Town was our last stop), so tentative but untested recommendations for there. :) Rust en Vrede is a great historic spot and has nice reds, but they were really unwelcoming towards our (biracial) driver and the college student pouring our wine said some really off-putting things about apartheid, so I can’t recommend them.
      -Restaurant highlights around Cape Town were La Colombe (a little further out) and Pier (on the V&A waterfront). Babel, Tokara, and Delaire Graff are ones to check out for your wine days.
      -In Cape Town, I’d recommend the Zeitz MOCAA for really cool modern art. The aquarium is worth a quick stop if you have time. I’d heard great things about Kirstenbosch Botanical Gardens but we didn’t have time to visit.

  24. My mom wants a green tweed jacket/blazer for Christmas – I realize it’s not really the height of fashion right ow, but any idea where I could find one?

    1. Indochino! They have women’s suiting now and you can pick from lots of different tweed/greens. And you know it’ll fit her since it’s M2M.

  25. Should I dye my hair or not? Mid 30s and have a TON of white hair. I have black hair, so it is very noticeable. I don’t mind it, but I have two kids and kids are weird about everything, including how their mom looks. I’d really only be doing it so they aren’t so embarrassed of my white hair (I recall saying some mean things to my mom’s white hair as a teenager), but then again kids are embarrassed of everything…

    I am very conscious about what products I use on my body, and we are that family that has air filters in our home, whole house water filtration, etc etc. Does anyone have recs for hair dye that is less…bad? My mom uses henna but I don’t like how it turns out red.

      2. Agree. And for what it’s worth, I have medium-brown hair and started coloring my grays around age 34-45. Now I’m in my early 40s, the grays have multiplied, and I can’t stop dyeing without having a very noticeable skunk stripe. So I keep doing it because I know the long grow-out period would drive me crazy. I regret ever starting to cover my grays because now it’s a lot of time, money, and maintenance.

      3. yeah, not only can you follow your own instincts (you don’t mind the natural look, you are not keen on using unnecessary chemicals), but you get the added benefit that your kids observe that a woman isn’t obliged to change her appearance because you have Opinions about it.

    2. With hair as dark as yours, if you begin coloring, you will likely need to color often, like +/- 4 weeks. It’s a lot of time and a lot of money. Are you ok with the time commitment and costs of maintenance? Personally, if I had it to do over, I would embrace the gray, which is so striking against dark hair. I let mine grow out during the pandemic. I love it, get tons of compliments, and wish I had chosen this route from day 1.

      1. +1

        I let myself go grey when the time / expense to fight the roots was just ridiculous in my late 30’s. I am now (15 years later) regularly stopped by young women in my 20s who say they love my hair. Women my age (I’m near 50 now) give me a mix of vibes. A lot of women are torn, and as they go through menopause and feel less visible. I think it is actually harder to make the decision to go grey at that point for many.

        But one of my closest friends has very dark hair and her grey/white hair was striking on top of the dark base – perhaps like yours. She not only embraced it, but lives in NYC and her hairdresser actually gave her MORE white highlights and it evolved into this amazing and striking hair. She is very chic to start with, and now she looks like a rock star. She regularly gives talks in front of large groups and often has very wealthy “ladies who lunch” attend. Afterwards, the women flock to her wanting to look at her hair and just love it. Every one of them is dyed and none of them are aging gracefully, yet the envy around my friend is palpable.

      2. I couldn’t make it five weeks and that is why I let my silver grow out at 41. The maintenance was too much and I actually love how my silver looks. It’s in face framing streaks at my temples and I have dark brown hair and a fair, Celtic complexion. A lot of people were weirdly offended that I dare to not colour so young but I sort of rock my own look as it is and skew more formal than most so I happily took the devil may care attitude and also couldn’t care less what my kids think. Other than those sort 2/10 (mostly twenty years older) people, I also get a lot of compliments.

    3. You can do henna + indigo for black hair (mehandi dot com has kits), but honestly, if it doesn’t bother you, the kids can deal.

    4. I’m on team everyone should wear their hair how they like, but I lean toward it’s really important to teach kids to be fine with normal things about bodies. Therefore, since it sounds like you don’t want to dye your hair, don’t. It’s good for kids to learn that some people get white hair sooner than others and it’s perfectly fine.

    5. I will not color my hair for my kids or husband. I think it’s fair to comment on another family member’s appearance when there is an issue with cleanliness, looking groomed vs. unkempt, or actual health-related things that might need management (e.g. if suddenly bad acne appears or an unexpected weight gain). But even then you bring up the topic and discuss whether/how this should warrant more attention. But having an issue with someone else’s hair color and gray or white hair? Hair getting white as we age is normal!

      I would have a serious conversation about what is ok or not to discuss with regards to other people’s bodies, and how. For example, yes, my husband might have an opinion about liking a certain hair color more on me than another color, but he doesn’t get to demand that I color my hair in X way.

    7. There are some really bad messages wrapped up in the idea that you’d color your hair for your kids – 1) it’s ok to criticize others’ appearance, 2) it’s ok for another person to change their appearance to make someone else happy, 3) they should expect others to change for them, 4) a mother should arrange a child’s life to minimize any uncomfortable feelings (e.g., tween embarrassment, which if it’s not over this, is going to be over something else, guaranteed).

      1. +80 million to this.
        I’m guessing that a reason your kids’ potential opinions are weighing so heavily with you might be because of your experience as a teen with your mom. If so, you might want to revisit the opinions you held at that time about your mom’s hair, the things you said, etc., and resolve it for yourself so that you don’t make decisions now out of reaction to what you were like then.

    8. Dying your hair on the off chance your kids are embarrassed by you is a great way to teach your children that they should change their body to make other people happy.

      2. And they’ll end up being embarrassed by something else in the end in addition to all this.

    9. Lush makes henna that dyes hair dark brown.

      That said, only dye your hair if YOU want your hair ti be a different colour than it is.

    10. I went gray in college, which I thought was too young, so I’ve been doing this for 2 decades now. I kept it up bc I felt it was incredibly impt to job security to not look older (prejudice against older women sucks but is real). Now in my 40s I finally feel actually old enough I could go grey naturally and really want to do it soon.

      1) my hair is really thick and grows fast and I have to spend 2-4 hours per weekend dying my hair (takes longer to go to salon and upward of $300 per visit so not doing that). Sure some folks only have to dye one every few or several weeks but I am not that lucky. It’s every weekend or have a very visible gray streak.
      2) Completely agree you kids opinion isn’t enough to take on this massive chore and time suck.
      3) I haven’t heard of chemical free dye. Petroleum comes from the ground so it’s “natural” in one sense. They can label just about any chemical “ natural” and they do but if it’s changing the color of grey hair it will be potent and there’s really no such thing as a chemical free solution here. You might get away with “semiperment” I’d you don’t have much gray and it’s weaker / less chemicals.
      4) I find the chemicals hard to take. I have to use the product, rinse as instructed, and then soak in the bath for a long period of time to avoid triggering bad headaches (I don’t otherwise get). And I do this every weekend bc ya know, I don’t have better things to do with a few hours every weekend. If there was a better solution chemically I’d do it but there really isn’t. Also I tend to get headaches from aerosols and perfumes too, so if that’s you ,I’d assume hair dye smell will also trigger you potentially.
      5) I’d you go grey, must people have yellow tint to their grey and they use dye to get those pretty silvers or white tones. Very few people have a naturally attractive grey so fingers crossed you will have a nice grey tint when it gets passed salt and pepper heavy in the pepper.

    11. Agree, don’t dye it for your kids. But also I’m guessing your kids don’t even care. How old are they? Young kids say very blunt things, but rarely mean to be hurtful. A girl I used to babysit told me my face looked like a rotten banana (I have a lot of freckles) but she just meant it as an observation, not a put-down.

  26. I received my bonus and I think it’s incorrectly too high. I was on parental leave for a portion of the year and our policy is to pro rate bonuses for the months that you’re off. I received a schedule with the total amount of my bonus and the pro rated amount, but the pro rated percentage doesn’t seem correct for the number of months I was off (like I should receive 70% of my bonus but they’re paying me 85%). I work in a bonus-heavy field so the difference between what I calculate and the number I was given is ~$50K. I should say something, right? It’s a lot of money and I worked like crazy in the months I was at work so I do feel like I earned this amount, but I feel like it’s the right thing to do… What would you do?

    1. Yes, unfortunately, say something, because if they’re going to notice it anyway (hello, my August paycheck), you’ll want it resolved before tax season.

      1. +1. Say something ASAP. It might be a Christmas windfall, but if it was a true error, they’re going to have to ask for it back eventually and it will also make your taxes screwy, so just cut all that bother off at the pass and get it fixed right now.

    2. Depending on how your leave works, they may count things like short term disability time toward your bonus and other time, like unpaid fmla, as not.

    3. Dang, if I’m calculating that correctly, your non-prorated bonus would be over $300k. What field is this? I clearly chose the wrong line of work.

    5. Just ask without offering to have it reduced. Not trying to be harsh here – if 15% of your bonus is $50k, you’re earning $300k a year in bonuses alone, and you’re more than capable of speaking up and asking them to confirm the calculation.

  27. This is an extremely bougie problem, but hoping for some ideas! In the winter, I drive approximately 3 hours after work to go skiing for the weekend, then drive the same back Sunday evening. I normally stop and get takeout somewhere along the way. Getting fast food burger 2x a week is both expensive and not particularly healthy. Any suggestions for dinner other than sandwiches that I can pack in advance and still be happy eating in the car while driving or immediately after arriving? Given the location, there aren’t healthy takeout options. I’d love it to be warm, since I’m normally chilled after skiing on Sunday (I could keep it in a thermos maybe?).

    2. tbh, I’d just switch your order. A mcD’s grilled chicken sandwich instead of a burger?

    3. One of my favorite hot something for work lunch/dinner without microwave, I do is ramen in a thermos. I boil hot water, fill the thermos half way. Add miso paste, a dash of curry powder, veggies (edamame, peas, carrots, etc.), kimchi, and then the noodles. (I don’t eat meat, but you could also throw in cooked chicken or shrimp.) It is the perfect texture for lunch, though a little too soft for dinner, but still tasty. Not exactly good for eating while driving, though. You could pack all the ingredients and then just add the hot water at the destination.

    4. I think the fast food option is ok. Get a plain burger and bring some fruit, a kids order of fries, bring a thermos of herbal tea. As a skier myself, it is a lot to expect of yourself to pack food for the drive home.

    5. Ooh I have this same problem. Add to it that I’m tired from a full day of skiing so I’m zonked on the car ride home.

      We often drive through NH and the rest stops have amazing “fast” food @ The Common Man. I use that is my stopping place.

      Coming through VT is trickier. I’ve done a salad inside a wrap, pepperoni/cheese/ crackers/nuts, that sort of thing.

    6. This sounds kind of weird, but I used to drive for work a ton and would bring hot soup in a travel mug and sip it. Obviously this only works for blended soups like butternut squash, tomato or creamy zucchini. Campbell’s also sells “Sipping Soups” in a handheld container.

    7. I don’t think anything is going to stay warm/at a food-safe temperature in a thermos from Friday to Sunday. Is there such a thing as a car powered hot water kettle for soup mix, tea, or oatmeal? Can you microwave soup in your hotel in the morning and put it in a thermos? Maybe bring frozen soup and let it thaw friday- Sunday, then nuke Sunday prior to skiing? I dunno, I think I’d do snack dinner (cheese and crackers, grapes, nuts, etc for the car ride home) and grab a hot tea or chocolate on my way out for warmth.

    8. If you can eat a burger while driving I’d just make something similarly portable like a chicken wrap or a burrito. Customizable. Otherwise, I’d consider thick soups like pumpkin or butternut squash that you can have in a thermos.

  28. Reposting because I think I was too late yesterday: Can anyone suggest helpful resources for planning to age without family help?

    Appreciate the wake up call to at least consider the financial benefits of having an asset to sell later like a house. Also, it’s good to know I’m not alone in this situation.

    I am in my early 30s, not partnered up, doubt I will be, no kids. I am generally happy with these facts, but I worry about planning for when I can’t take care of myself anymore. I am from a culture where it’s expected that the children take care of elderly parents, and that’s what I have seen my parents do for theirs. My sibling and I plan to split the responsibility of our parents as equally as we reasonably can, both financially and logistically (it is likely that they will either a) outlive their money or b) one of them will need expensive care in later life). But I know that even in families where that’s not the cultural norm, many adult children do end up helping aging parents somehow, it’s just a matter of to what extent. Sibling will not abandon me and I will not abandon them, but I know they resent having to take care of our parents and I don’t want to add to their burden (also, when I’m old and frail, they will be as well).

    I know that having child(ren) is no guarantee that you will be taken care of and I personally don’t want to have a child only for that reason. I don’t think it fair to that hypothetical child to be raised by someone not emotionally equipped to be a good mother AND then have to take care of her in her old age. I earn a middle class income (but below 6 figures) and do my best to save for retirement, though I’m not maxing my 401(k) and Roth IRA. I currently rent and don’t see myself buying unless I end up having to for financial planning purposes.

    When I think of old age, I think of how I’ll be less capable in the following ways: financially (lower earning capacity or living off what I have amassed before retirement), physically, and mentally (dementia thankfully doesn’t run in the family AFAIK, but I don’t expect to be the lucky 80 yo who is just as sharp as I am now and I imagine I will not be able to keep up with tech advancement or scam prevention).
    No matter how much I save, I doubt I can save enough to pay for LTC or the best nursing home/assisted care for myself (I’ve been looking into LTC insurance, feels like scam given what I’ve seen with elders I know). I hope I have friends when I’m old, but they’ll likely be just as old and frail as me, if I don’t outlive them. I enjoy the solitude of living alone, and when there’s something in my life I can’t do alone, I a) figure it out from the internet b) ask a friend or pay a neighborhood kid for help c) go without. My life trajectory is one I’m generally happy with, until I get to that last phase of life. But I’m struggling on how to plan for it. Is this just what aging is?

    1. Real talk: I’d you aren’t making your 401k you cannot afford to take care of your parents. Full stop.

      1. Respectfully, I don’t really understand this response. It’s not a choice of me choosing to take care of them or not… I can’t let them starve or become homeless. Not being able to max my retirement does mean my resources are more limited, but family members pooling limited resources for a better combined lifestyle is better than each family member struggling on their own – at least that’s how my family has always operated. The plan if they outlive their money is to sell their house and they start to live with either me or my sibling or split their time between us, whichever makes sense given how our lives are going. We have no plans to pay for them to live separately or give them a luxurious lifestyle we can’t afford, but to have them combine their household with ours in the way we can identify as the most cost effective. So maybe they move in with me and use their social security to pay for utilities/increases to costs of my household or maybe they move in with my sibling and provide childcare for their family.

        1. You should read up on how people are required to spend down their estate to qualify for Medicaid. I don’t fault you for wanting to help your parents, but the spend down sounds like it will be inevitable in their case so you should definitely understand the ins and outs of it now. Spending your money in lieu of them spending theirs may just prolong the inevitable.

          1. +1

            An elder care lawyer consultation and a visit with the local Department of Aging social worker when parents are reaching the age/time in life when planning is needed (which is earlier than you think) is worth its weight in gold.

    2. I don’t have particular advice, but I’ve heard one thing to do is to make friends of many ages. Now or in a few decades you get older, you could make sure to be part of a community (church, vibrant volunteer group, local club), that has mixed ages. Go out of your way to participate and make friends. Build your village as you go. A friend may not be willing to provide long term care, but they may be up for checking in on their older friend regularly.

      I wonder if Golden Girls/roommate situations are going to become more popular in the future, as housing isn’t getting any cheaper.

      1. Yes! One of our Rules for Life is “have young friends!” You don’t want to end up as the sole survivor of your social circle!

      2. +1

        It is extremely valuable to have friends of all ages.

        When I was young and had a flock of women friends that were a decade older than me, and I learned so so much from them. They loved me too, as my energy/not yet jaded/eager to learn self complemented them too. And as I get older, I have learned it is incredibly useful to not only have friends younger, but to hire professionals that are likely to age with me. When all of my doctors retired during COVID (including my dentist!), it was not a good feeling. So now I try to hire younger people who are more likely to hang around a bit longer.

        One of my closest friends now is 90, and she has more energy than me. And I would help her in a heartbeat if she needed me.

      3. I love this and I currently do this more on a volunteer basis than friendship, but I do genuinely care about the seniors in my life and would consider them friends instead of just people I know. I drive a few to medical appointments and pick up groceries and such. To be frank, these experiences motivated me to ask this question here because the seniors I know do have substantial family and community support. I hope I’ll have friends, but I most likely won’t have children.

    3. I haven’t read it yet, but I just ordered “Essential Retirement Planning for Solo Agers” by Sara Geber, since I have the same questions.

    4. This is a really interesting question.
      One book recommendation: Mom and Dad, We Need to Talk by Cameron Huddleston.
      It’s useful general information about finances and aging. It’s written for planning care of parents. But it’s an eye opener for anyone who wants to plan for retirement.
      I am curious why LTC insurance is something you see as a scam? I have elderly grandparents actively using their LTC Insurance and the general options and ease of use has been a source of relief. Whereas, I have a FIL who will need Assisted living services soon and without LTC insurance for it, it’s pretty stressful to plan for.
      I think one piece of this, it sounds like you could use a financial planner. Someone who can map out retirement and help plan for your goals. Ex. Maybe one goal is to have enough funds to be able to live in a 55+ community as you age where the ease of services and home maintenance is not a concern?

      1. Thanks for the rec, I’ll look it up!

        RE: LTC insurance, I posted later yesterday that I know 9 people who have paid the premiums for years, only to not have it cover what they need now that they’re older and need it. I actually don’t know a single person for whom their LTC insurance has actually paid out.

        1. Both my friend’s parents are receiving paid claims. It does take effort to put in a claim but it’s doable. I don’t necessarily recommend it, just saying it’s not always a scam.

        2. On the LTC: Oh that’s interesting! It sounds like I need to do more research.
          To be fair, the grandparents I have using it, were at one time state government employees and it was apart of there benefits package. So maybe they’ve just lucked out getting into a good government employee program and having never moved out of state.

        3. My one grandparent that had LTC insurance got some money for care, but it was super low. She’d have been better off investing those premiums.

      2. Your relatives probably are grandfathered into LTC plans that are no longer available to new applicants, or the rare plans that work well.

        So many companies have left that insurance arena because LTC isurance tends to not be cost effective for the companies. For those of us wanting to purchase the few reputable policies today (and remember, the company can’t go out of business before you retire!!), the cost SKYROCKETS with aging and you have little recourse because the company has control over the pricing so you keep paying or you quit and loose all that you had “invested” by paying for years. And I have heard many stories about difficulties finally implementing the plans once you need them, and that the coverage is usually not anywhere near enough to keep you in your home once you need significant care. So honestly it is better to save your own $$, invest and do you own financial planning.

        OP, you need to save, maxing out your 401K/ROTH and learn to live frugally on your income and/or make more money if you are worried. But most important is making your own “family” of friends/co-workers/neighbors by being a good friend and investing in your community so that they are invested in you. Then help is more likely to come when you need it. Are you helping other seniors, talking with your relatives, being a good friend, joining community networks and activities and learning about what is important to live a full life? I hope so, because you are a little young to have accepted that you are going to be alone forever. Life rarely goes as we planned, so make sure you make the most of now, because you never know.

    5. Given that you’ll be on your own for your old age care, please make sure not to sacrifice your future for your parents’ care (whether it be money, time out of career, etc.).

      Getting into habits like exercising regularly, eating well, and building a robust community can all make a huge difference in extending the amount of time in which you don’t need significant help.

      If you can afford it, a continuing care community might be a good option. Near me, there’s one where seniors just buy in for an apartment, but there’s assisted living and nursing home care on premises if they need higher levels of care.

      If you stay in your own home, planning for aging before it’s an emergency goes a long way. Things like: getting rid of trip hazards, installing grab bars, etc. Doing this well before it’s truly needed can prevent falls, etc. that then will require a much higher level of care. Also: bringing in help for cleaning or meal prep early on can help you stay healthy. There exist elder care consultancies that can help you arrange for the right services.

      It’s a lot easier for someone to help an elder friend who has made arrangements for help than to help an elder who has been stubbornly DIY until there’s an emergency. Personally, I’m happy to help an elder neighbor that has a question about technology and help a distant elder relative understand medical options. There’s not much I can do for an elder friend who won’t help themself by acknowledging they need some household help until they’ve had a fall and can’t live on their own.

      If you think you might need social assistance as you age, look at the programs in your area and their rules. They could change, but it’s not a bad starting point for your own planning. Sometimes a home a person owns isn’t counted as an available asset, but having enough in saving to cover rent for a couple of decades does count as an available asset.

      1. thank you, this is helpful! I totally agree on it being easier to help someone who has a plan and have no plan or desire to become an elderly person who can’t be reasoned with.
        I will look into continuing care communities as well, first time I’ve heard that phrase.

    6. A lot of good advice here. Developing younger friends, joining a congregation (even if your faith is shaky), living in a neighborhood for many years, being “auntie” to friend’s children. These are all good for longevity and don’t have to seem like a grab for care when you’re older.

      At your age, and the fact that you’re neither a property owner nor maxing out your 401K, I would do something like a side gig to earn money specifically for a down payment or to go straight to 401k, and then to long-term savings after maxing out. For 10 years, I was an adjunct professor and besides the potential social security income bump, it was a way to increase income (I had kids in college). It didn’t pay a ton, but I liked it enough to do it for (almost) free. But find something you like. I wish I’d been able to start a consulting business on the side, but my industry (finance) frowns on moonlighting that is industry-adjacent. But if you could start consulting or working as a photographer or a writer or life coach/career coach – something that might bridge the income/savings gap. If you’re 35, 20-30 years of side gigs would earn a lot. Or really lean into your career and find a way to get to a higher earning niche.

      For 10 years now, my daughter has said that she plans for me to live with her. She has not changed her mind and is designing a casita for me to live in on her property. But if that doesn’t happen, my sister and I will buy a duplex and take care of each other, as we both expect to outlive our husbands. My sister may even live in a double casita with me. But the duplex idea is much better than a retirement/assisted living facility, even though eventually we may need more care. An over 55 unit – condo or apartment – is also more appealing to me and has a built in group of neighbors who more or less look after each other (and are into everyone else’s business). That might drive me crazy but may be better than living alone.

      I am not from a culture that takes care of parents but it’s good that you’re thinking about it now. Be sure to set boundaries and not run down your mental or physical health while caretaking. I hope you and your sister can coordinate and both have support. I know I couldn’t be taking care of my parents as much as I am without my sister and brothers, who all pitch in. I also provide some driving, shopping and errand running for my in-laws and it all adds up.

      1. These are actually great points.

        You reminded me about a new trend with these “casitas” that are not common where I live now, but are becoming desirable in different areas of the country. If you have enough space in your backyard/land, it is very inexpensive to have a small house (“ADU” = accessory dwelling unit) built right there which is all one level, accessibly designed and functional for aging in place, yet beautiful and convenient. The production of these skyrocketed during COVID when many families brought kids home from college or aging parents back to live near family, yet people wanted/needed their own space. I was shocked when I saw how nice these were. They are so much nicer than the 1 bedroom apartments I have lived in. When I looked at this company’s website, I even wondered if I should buy some land and have my friends all choose their favorite design and we would all live together in our own little houses!!

        https://inspiredadus.com/adu-faq

    7. Your conclusion that you will age alone and be single forever when you’re only 30 is just so insane to me. If you have any interest in a relationship and heck, even if you don’t, get out there and date. Life is much easier paired up. It’s one thing to be 60 and single and realistically facing the issue (and mind you, I think you can find and deserve love at any age). But 30? You’ve barely become old enough to have a mature relationship. You might have a couple of spouses before you hit retirement age. Most all of your life is still in front of you. Don’t define yourself by absolutes before your time.

  29. I know this isn’t what you asked… consider doing hot water in the Thermos for tea after skiing and pack whatever cold food keeps well (sandwiches, cheese and crackers, hummus, etc.). In the winter, it’s a lot easier to keep cold food cold than to keep hot food hot (and hot for an appropriate length of time so ir does not spoil).

    2. +1. I’d do a dry soup mix or ramen-type item, with hot water in a thermos. I know that’s hard to eat while driving but you could stop in the same fast food place and eat it in the parking lot. (If the Thermos idea doesn’t work, maybe search for a Dunkin or Starbucks and ask for a cup of hot water (or ask for a hot tea with the tea bag separate).

      If that’s not appealing, I would turn it into a tea time meal and drink a hot tea with finger sandwiches and charcuterie-type snacks like crackers and grapes and cheese wedges.

  30. Holiday gifts request. I am looking presents for my mid-70’s mother. She has a tough life right now and I’d like to get her some things that will bring a bit of happiness this winter. She cares for my father who has a long-term chronic health issue and is immunocompromised. She’s also responsible for her 100 year old mother with dementia. She only goes out to see my grandmother and doctor’s visits.

    I am not local and will not visit until February after my father has another surgery. Mom has a beautiful garden and that’s her only real hobby. She has money and never buys anything for herself. No real budget and happy to get several things to support/distract her through the dreary winter. What would you buy?

    1. One idea: amaryllis bulbs in wax. There a little more expensive than non waxed. Watching an amaryllis grow without watering might be something she would enjoy.

    2. Flower arrangement for the house? Consumables like fancy chocolate or tea? Books/streaming services?

    4. I always sent my elderly parents something to brighten up the holidays like a big holiday floral arrangement. Also — A box of something good to eat? A decorated Christmas tree that can be disposed of when she’s finished with it? A Della Robbia wreath for the door? A Kindle and some books she’ll enjoy? Barefoot Dreams cozy sweater? Magazine subscription(s)?

    5. If you can afford it, I’d get her a recurring flower delivery. I think it would be nice for her to receive a bouquet once a month.

    6. Thanks! I just sent a beautifully designed fresh wreath that should last them through the holidays (and told the company not to include a receipt!) It is the sort of things Mom would never buy but will love looking at each day. Appreciate all your ideas for these next few months!

    7. Oh my goodness. Your poor mother. I worry for her health.

      How is she doing?

      Do you / your siblings go and give her respite? Like… a week off? That is just brutal.

  31. Are there any creative ways to get CNN without paying for a ton of other channels? I don’t watch anything except the occasional HBO Max and I haven’t had cable in years, but I used my parents’ Dish login on the CNN tv app for news. They got rid of Dish though (and of course my first day without it is the day of the Georgia runoffs…my political junkie heart is breaking ha).

    2. I think “CNN Go” is the streaming version which you can get for $5.99 a month. It’s still live, but you don’t have to get cable to watch.

    5. I’m a YouTube premium member. I could (and previously have) subscribed to CNN on YouTube and that gave me a lot of content ad free.

      CNN kinda sucks though like all of the cable news. No one’s perfect but I like PBS News Hour and I check out the foreign services to balance out US biases. France 24 and DW are also subscriptions of mine on YouTube. Listening to CNN is asking to be in a bubble even if you agree with that bubble. They are trying to hook you on outrage. Its exhausting to me.

    7. I pretty much only subscribe to and stream the channels I like, and recommend you do the same. You do not need any sort of basic cable package, just a smart TV or a roku type device.

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