Tuesday’s TPS Report: ‘Andy’ Ponte Sheath Dress
This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Happy Tuesday! This dress came up when I was searching for something entirely different, but I must say I love it, and that isn't just the cobalt accents talking. Wide straps! An interesting neckline! Huzzah. Bloomie's also has it in navy with orange accents, and the Bailey44 website has it in gray with navy accents. The pictured dress (black with cobalt accents) is $228 at Nordstrom. B44 Dressed by Bailey 44 ‘Andy' Ponte Sheath Dress
Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.
(L-4)
Sales of note for 3/15/25:
- Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off
- Ann Taylor – 40% off everything + free shipping
- Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles + extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – Extra 30% off women's styles + spring break styles on sale
- J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off 3 styles + 50% off clearance
- M.M.LaFleur – Friends and family sale, 20% off with code; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 40% off 1 item + 30% off everything else (includes markdowns, already 25% off)
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- I'm fairly senior in BigLaw – where should I be shopping?
- how best to ask my husband to help me buy a new car?
- should we move away from DC?
- quick weeknight recipes that don’t require meal prep
- how to become a morning person
- whether to attend a distant destination wedding
- sending a care package to a friend who was laid off
I have a question for those of you in North America. Did Clarks only export their comfort shoes to you in the past? I ask because I keep seeing them mentioned along with clogs, Birkenstocks, etc, as if the brand name denotes a type of shoe. Here in the UK it’s just another shoe shop (albeit one with a reputation for quality and one that sells a lot more ‘everyday’/ practical shoes than some other retailers)
Clark’s definitely has marketed itself as a comfort shoe brand in the US, but that’s it- saying “try Clark’s” isn’t referring to a specific shoe style, just a company known for comfort.
I buy mostly Clarks in my country because they are comfort shoes. There are no styles with crazy heels or no arch support.
So, my mom and my younger (college-aged) sister are contemplating a 2 week or so vacation to Belize in early summer…we’re looking for itinerary recommendations and any more particular recommendations as to places to stay, things to see, and places to eat.
Both enjoy hiking, nature, though my mom has some knee issues that crop up occasionally and may necessitate a slower pace. Probably interested in R&R, snorkeling, kayaking, some scuba diving, sites, good food. So maybe a split between a beach location and an inland location? TIA!
I honeymooned in Belize about 8 years ago and it was a great trip! When I was planning, there were three types of resorts: Ambergris Caye (most popular & beachy), Placencia (southern part of the country/also beachy), and jungle resorts. Many people seem to do 2 or more of those options, and lots of resorts have “sister” options (e.g., spend X nights on the beach then Y nights in the jungle).
The activities at the jungle resorts were more active — hiking, climbing around ruins, etc. — while it was a much slower pace and more typical beach trip at the resort we stayed at in Placencia. I will post back if I can remember the name of the jungle resort — I know the beach resort was Robert’s Grove and is now under new ownership.
I did a similar trip about 10 years ago. We mostly stayed at the Coppola properties – Blancaneaux and Turtle Inn. Both were very nice and had plenty of side excursions. The only downside was that the restaurants at those properties were Italian and got old after a while. We also did a few days on the private island that Roberts Grove owned outside Placencia – that was very relaxing, 3 days would probably be the max before you got bored.
I recommend keeping to the resorts and the tourist villages and would NOT recommend spending any time in Belize City. You may already know this but I thought it would put it out there. Belize City is very dangerous and very poor (I have to go there for work sometimes) and when I visit my coworkers there, they advise not going out alone, even in the day time.
I don’t know if you’re already sold on it, but I did not like Belize. We went to Ambergris Caye. Transportation was really difficult, there was a lot of litter, the food was not good at ALL, and the beaches are not tropical…more rocky and still because the reefs cause the waves to break very far out from the shore. It’s very dangerous there as well. My father went two years ago and had a truly terrifying experience. I also found it too expensive for what it was.
I know it’s attractive to scuba divers because of the Blue Hole, but that takes a long time to get to and may not be great if you don’t have a lot of scuba experience. I did enjoy snorkeling with the sharks, but overall I would say if you’re looking for a tropical, relaxing destination, consider some place else. We love many of the Mexican destinations.
It has been 10 years since I went (so no idea if this still applies), but we were there on a cruise ship stop and were strongly advised by multiple people not to get off the ship at port as they had several tourists murdered there recently. We ended up doing an island excursion and still had a terrifying experience (less to do with local crime and more to do with an extremely unskilled tour guide).
Totally agree with this. Did both Costa Rica and Belize about 3 years ago. Pricey for what it is, food was not good other than fresh local fruits, the beaches were disappointing and my whole group came back with a stomach bug that required Cipro.
So I was just down there a month ago. Inland we stayed at San Igancio and went over the boarder for a day trip to Yaxha in Guatamala. We had the whole ruin site to ourselves save employees. Easy to hike around with the Howler Monkeys overhead and you’re able to climb to the top of several structures. We stayed at Ka’ana which is very pricey, but nice. We then went down to Hopkins, cute mellow beach town, for a night. We caught a boat out to Glovers Atoll Resort for a week of diving and sea kayaking – probably the absolute cheapest you can find for a week on a private island.
I went to Belize in the spring of 2014 and we did what you mentioned – split between jungle and beach. We stayed at duPlooy’s for the jungle portion and it was really lovely – beautiful, clean, good food, nice staff, and lots of help booking excursions, including a great cave tour, nearly-deserted ruins, zipline, etc. My one complaint about the jungle portion was that almost everything involved a lot of driving, over sometimes very rough roads.
We then rented a house on Ambergris Caye, for scuba diving and sun. The Blue Hole trip is amazing, but we found the nearby diving to be underwhelming, and like others we were not impressed with the beaches. We did not experience any of the crime troubles other people mentioned, and found good food options. If we went back we’d go to Caye Caulker (which is less populated and more laid back) or one of the atoll resorts.
Looking for some input on those of you that have or have had the Nexplanon birth control implant. I got it inserted a few months ago. You can’t argue with its super low failure rate and the fact that there is zero user error involved. But I have to be honest, I’ve been pretty miserable. Nonstop bleeding, flu-like symptoms, sore chest, the works. Did any of you also have a bad reaction? Did the side effects die down? I’m just trying to decide whether to wait it out or cut my losses and get it removed.
I have a Mirena, not implanon – my friends who have the implant have been super happy with it! But my GYN gave me the talk before I got mine, and the implant was an option – basically, some people just react badly to the hormones :( Personally, if it went on for longer than 3 months, I’d be having doubts, if it went longer than 6, I would have it taken out. I decided that before I got my Mirena, too. (which, FWIW, I’ve had very few problems with besides some hormonal acne easily treated by my derm)
I have Implanon, not Nexplanon. My main symptom has been itchiness at the insertion site and I’ve had no other symptoms. Sorry you’re having such a negative experience.
Thanks for posting this – I was considering discussing this with my doctor as an option instead of the pill but I haven’t heard much about it.
Did you also have problems with hormonal birth control prior to this?
Have you talked to your doctor yet about all of your symptoms? That seems pretty extreme. With that said…I’ve had Nexplanon since September 2014. I had no bleeding for 2 months and then bled for 3.5 straight, but it’s evened off to basically nothing. I also gained 15 pounds almost immediately, but my doctor refuses to entertain the possibility that the implant might have had something to do with it. Between the weight gain and the 3.5 months of bleeding, I almost got it taken out, but decided to stick with it because I don’t think I can be a**ed to deal with the pill again and I had a really bad reaction to an IUD. But yeah. I do not exactly love it. Definitely no flu-like symptoms or sore chest for me, though.
I’m on my 3rd one. The first two, I LOVED. Loved loved loved. No symptoms, no period. I was an implanon evangelist.
I got my third one put in 6 weeks after having my daughter (around a year ago). I still love the convenience of it, but I have had a lot more bleeding than I did with the first two. I think my body chemistry changed after being pregnant, and I just do not respond to it as well. I was also nursing and then weaning, and that does funky things to your hormone levels as well.
At this point, I still like it, and I’ll keep it for the next two years, but my bleeding has *fingers crossed* finally tapered off (after nearly a year of complete unpredictability). If this were the first one I’d ever used, I’d have gotten it taken out by now, but I just keep holding out hope that I’ll magically respond well to it again. Going years without a period was so great.
That said, its so hard to answer questions about hormonal contraceptives, because we all have different body chemistries.
I unexpectedly have an interview scheduled for Thursday. I am a few months post partum and need a suit in a hurry. I have one shot to get it, tonight. Where should I go? In a major metro area with usual chains but no Talbots nearby. Really prefer something with some stretch due to broad shoulders and leftover baby fat… Size 12 ish these days, I think. Help!
Ann Taylor
+1
I’d go with the biggest department store in your area. Nordstroms, Bloomingdales, Macys, etc. They’ll have different brands for you to try on, so you’ll be more likely to find a fit that works. And they will probably have an in-house tailor who can help with a super-quick adjustment if necessary (and that can make such a difference). Plus you can get the same associate to help you with shoes, hose, a shell, or whatever is necessary to complete the look.
+1 to Macy’s. While not top-quality, they have suit separates from Calvin Klein & other brands so that you can choose the bottoms/tops that are cut/sized for that part of your body as it is right now.
Also would recommend Macy’s. Calvin Klein worked perfectly for me.
People here really seem to love The Limited. The darker the fabric, the less its inexpensiveness shows.
My vote is usually for Banana since you can get a wool suit there where all parts will be lined.
And then if you have mall department stores (which I think stock for women more than for teens), Anne Klein / Calvin Klein / Antonio Melani (Dillards) may have options. If it fits, it fits!
The Jones New York seasonless wool offerings are pretty good lately – the fabric has a bit of stretch and looks good. I don’t live in the U.S. so can’t say which stores carry JNY, but I would expect most large department stores to have it.
Macys usually has Jones New York.
Talbots is a good bed, Jones if you are not tall, and the Calvin Klein Everyday suits at Macy’s are also really good. I have broad shoulders and they are pretty much the only brands that will fit off the rack. I would go to a department store, Macy’s and Lord & Taylor if you have one nearby usually have better selections.
I am doing a big closet clean-out and trying to organize my work wardrobe. Looking for a spreadsheet or template to help me analyze what I’ve got. I see a lot of spreadsheets online that help with cost per wear and organizing numbers of certain type of items … what I’m looking for is something that will help me track which items go with which (i.e. how which tops go with each pair of pants, so I can identify the orphans in my closet (like a jacket that only works with one pair of pants).
I’m picturing something like a Visio chart but I’d really prefer a spreadsheet format.
Any guidance?
You should check out Closet+. I didn’t love it, but other people do. It’s on the phone only, I think.
You could make a grid in a spreadsheet with all of the items listed along the top and on the left and then put x’s in the cells where the item in the top list goes with the item in the left list. It will be easy to spot orphans because their column/row will have no/few x’s. You could also put a filter on the top row to show just the x’s when you are looking for items that go with a specific piece.
NYC ‘rettes! We’re having a meetup!
Next Thursday (Nov. 12) at 6:30 at the Grey Dog in Chelsea, at 242 W 16th St (between 7th and 8th).
So, my toddler has been exhibiting developmental problems for about eight months now. We’ve implemented a child support assistant, gotten early intervention involved, are starting with an occupational therapist, etc. I’m doing my best to get him the help he needs and implement all of his therapists’ suggestions at home. My problem is that it’s hard to be consistent and patient with him and deal with all of this when I feel so sad and lonely about the whole thing. My husband/family is in denial that there’s a problem. I don’t want to talk with acquaintances about it because I don’t want him to get labeled as the “bad kid”. The one friend I feel I could talk with about it has a child with some pretty severe gross motor problems, and I don’t want her to feel like I’m putting my issues in the same category as hers.
Does anyone have suggestions on how to cope?
(And yes, posting here instead of Corporette Moms because of the much higher view rate. Please just skip this post if it’s not a topic you’re interested in)
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. Can you say what the specific issue is?
Social/emotional delays resulting in inappropriate (aggressive) behavior towards classmates. Possible “sensory integration disorder”. Possible autism.
I’d encourage you to stay optimistic. My son (now 15) had fairly extreme behavior and social issues in preschool (major tantrums, compulsive behaviors, biting and hitting other kids). I also thought he might be autistic.
We got him involved with early intervention through the public school, where it was determined that he had a significant fine motor skills delay that probably caused him much frustration at school. Looking back, I think he also had anxiety issues. He’s now in 10th grade and still struggles with an anxious personality. But he’s a sweet kid, a good student, and generally just fine.
Okay, so I know it’s not as helpful as venting or talking to an actual person, but blogger “Amalah” has a son with similar issues. She started blogging before his birth (so obviously also his diagnosis), and her son is about 9 or 10 now. It’s a refreshing read – you can see her struggle with pre-diagnosis behavior, the overwhelming initial stages of diagnosis, and then the journey through early intervention, IEPs, preschool, public school, etc. It’s nice b/c you can get her “real time” reactions, but you know how the story ends. Her boy seems to be thriving, and she has a handle on things related to his diagnosis.
Anyway, she’s a great writer – a perfect amount of snark, advice, and this just sucks. It might help to review someone else’s journey.
Wow, I’ve read Amalah’s blog for ten years — I love her writing and feel like I know her sons. I never would have expected to see Amalah mentioned on thisssiiiiiite, but I’m glad you did! OP, I’ve seen comments posted by others that reading what Amy writes about her son and her experiences has really helped them, so maybe it will for you too. Also, I think you could discuss with friends/acquaintances that you think would be receptive. I don’t think anyone is going to think of your little one as a “bad” kid — he’s needing some help and you’re getting it for him and it’s tough for everyone. I have found that once one parent starts asking for support for an issue requiring OT or EI or something, other parents feel more comfortable to discuss their children’s issues, and you soon realize that every kid has something going on that concerns his/her parents — obviously of different degrees, but I really don’t think you’ll be judged and instead will find support and maybe even helpful suggestions.
Can you find a support group specific to his issues, online or in person? Are you and your husband getting counseling?
Also, talk to your one friend!!!!! Like, today. “Hey I’m feeling really burnt out- little darling is really struggling with xyz. Is it ok if I vent to you a bit?”
+1. It sounds like there are a decent number of interventions in place, which is great. But, maybe your husband needs some help accepting that there are issues (even if they are being addressed). A couple of therapy sessions might give him a safe place to work through that. Everyone needs help at some point in their lives and this is his turn.
I am in a very similar situation. We have been aware of our toddler’s dev issues for more than six months now, but only recently received an official diagnosis that has left me sad for my child, overwhelmed by all the things to coordinate (testing, insurance, therapies, implementing therapies, doctor appointments, specialist appointments….), and guilt for feeling sad/overwhelmed because “it could be so much worse.” I’m so sorry you’re going through this and feel alone, and I hope you find the support you need and deserve.
My sons have varying degrees of autism spectrum/ADHD. You have my sympathy; this situation can be very isolating. Look for support groups (which you can find through community centers and/or religious organizations). Having someone to talk to who understands can make a huge difference. Also, I got a lot of support from friends and acquaintances who are special ed teachers or therapists themselves, even if they don’t have kids of their own.
I am amazed at the different vocations that are helpful: occupational therapy, physical therapy, different sorts of skills training. I think it is helpful to get a sense of what “normal” is for your child and then be consistent with expectations and reinforcements (and for you and DH: being good to each other).
I had a child who had physical problems after an illness and it was very isolating (how do you hire someone to carry around a 45 pound child? why on earth didn’t we consider a 1-story house?) and the pressure to do the right thing all the time was overwhelming (all while working FT b/c I am the breadwinner). But the bottom line is that you are your child’s best advocate and the best thing you can do is love him/her unconditionally and be gentle to him/her/and yourself.
My child is now a teen and I’ve dealt with this as a single parent. I noticed things earlier, but things got difficult when he was 3 and started day care in a school-like setting. He melted down regularly and far more intensely than a “tantrum”. Other parents labeled him as a “bad kid” and labeled me as a “bad mom” who lacked consistency, supposedly didn’t discipline and was too tied up in work to focus on him. I was non-stop worried about him – worried he would have another melt down at day care, worried he would absolutely refuse to go to school (hard to belief the might of a child!), worried he would hit and kick me, worried to take him into public, worried that he couldn’t write his name, worried he would never read, worried he didn’t have friends and wasn’t invited to birthday parties and what would that mean in the long run…. worried, worried, worried. Honestly, things got easier once I recognized that I literally was giving every thing I have, emotionally, financially, etc., to trying to help him be the best he could be. It also helped once I realized that people just don’t have a clue about what is truly going on. I say all of this only because it is really hard, and I sympathize with you so much.
Things that helped:
Making sure we had the most consistent routine possible.
Recognize triggers and doing what I could to avoid or give him tools to deal with triggers (I think the Misunderstood Child, if I’m not mistaken, deals a lot with this)
Transition warnings – a lot of them
Behavior therapy and family therapy
Finding a good team of doctors/therapists/educators
finding the right fit for childcare/school
Finding a job that will let you have the flexibility needed to go to school meetings, dr visits, etc. because there are more than people realize
behavior charts made a world of difference for my child
Books:
The Misunderstood Child
Out of Sync Child
Kids in the Syndrome mix (that may be slightly off, but its close)
1-2-3 Magic
Food Chaining (for food sensory issues)
The Explosive Child
Healing ADD (more helped me understand ADHD)
I also am not very religious, but I say the serenity prayer pretty much every day.
Know that things get better. You learn how to cope and how to navigate everything, you get comfortable with your team, you know to have a Plan A, Plan B, Plan C to help deal with hiccups. Your child will learn coping mechanisms and with maturity, it will get better.
As for those in denial, with time, they’ll likely come around. Most people in our life who were in denial or who fully blamed me (and my supposed lack of consistency and discipline) for the first few years eventually changed their mind. I just chose to basically avoid those conversations and just do what I felt my child and I needed to do. The honest truth is those first few years were so hard that once I just put my nose down and did what I needed to do, and told myself (and others) that they had no idea what was really going on, things got better. Those first few years were especially hard.
a good cry in the closet every now and then didn’t hurt either!
Posts like these are why I love the Corporette community.
me too, thanks
I got tears in my eyes reading this and realizing what a hard time you must have had. You have clearly done a great job and hats off to you!
Thank you :) I really do appreciate that you took the time to say that
PS. I found informal support groups were the best – the other parents waiting at the OT office, the anxiety group session, or the social skills group where your child is. You have time while sitting during these hour long appointments and these people know what you’re going through. During occupational therapy (which was an hour long appointment, three times a week, while working in BigLaw), three moms and I would walk a track across the street from the therapy appointment. That was the best and didn’t require yet another appointment and out of pocket expense. Multi-tasking!!
Talk to your friend. Find a community. Your EI supports should be able to point you in the direction of community supports. For example, in PA there is the PEAL center. Every state also has a “Protection and Advocacy” agency. Find the one in your state and they can point to you resources to support you.
Hello!
I was a special ed teacher for 5 years and have been involved with the special needs community for over 15 years. If you tell me what state you live in I can give you a list of resources of parent groups. The best part of parent support programs is that they pair you with someone that has lived through it and is on the other side. They get it. They also understand you might not have time to go somewhere to talk once a week, and maybe you can only do phone calls etc. I highly suggest you find a support group – you are not in this alone! Your OT might be able to suggest a good group for you to talk to.
Quick question: is this your first child? I have found sometimes parents are in denial when 1) they were only children or they youngest child and didn’t have to help out with younger children or 2) didn’t ever babysit. Then when they have their first child they have nothing to compare their actions to. You might know this feels off, but your husband might not have any example to compare it to.
Another question: have you gotten him assessed by your state’s early childhood program? Evaluations are free and then if he qualifies the services and early intervention preschool is free. I just always suggest this to parents because often they jump on things privately but don’t realize that there state wide programs. I just couldn’t tell by the way you worded your post which route you went. Because if he does qualify then he could get Regional Center which would allow you respite to get some you time.
I am really really good about figuring out programing and services. So if you feel comfortable sharing what state or even county you live in – I can give you a ton of leads. I do this all the time for friends and family.
I’m in NYC this week from Houston and looking to do some shopping. Houston has all of the national brands and stores, so I’m looking for something a little more unique that doesn’t cost an arm and a leg. Any ideas for boutiques or the like?
Not a boutique, but go to century 21 downtown (better than the upper west side location). You can find amazing shoes, bags, undies, you name it – all at better prices than anywhere else. The fitting rooms leave a bit to be desired but dress comfy and just go.
Also, not sure if TX has a Uniqlo, but if not, check it out – great quality basics at very reasonable prices.
The next time I’m in NYC, I want to do to the MZ Wallace store. There should be fun-to-look-at stores all around it.
I’m usually not an NYC shopper but I love aspirational window-shopping (Bergdorf’s, DVF flagship, etc.).
What type of clothing, accessories, etc are you looking for? Generically, for chains, you might want to try COS, Mango, and Uniqlo for some casual options. The Lord & Taylor is also really great. I really like the Muji store, if you like little home things and stationary, the Moma store is always fun, as is Pearl River mart, and there are tons of other chain stores you might not have, such as furniture stores like CB2. The only boutique I’ve been to twice that I can think off off the top of my head is Darling.
Check out Comptoir Des Cotonniers. It’s a French clothing line and they have three stores in Manhattan. Not cheap, but beautifully made pieces and you won’t see yourself coming and going when you wear them.
Also, consignment shopping in Manhattan is incredible. Here’s a list to get you started: http://ny.racked.com/2014/4/1/7615777/best-consignment-stores
Massimmo Dutti might be interesting. I haven’t been in years (since I was in Asia), but it’s Zara’s higher end sister store.
I am a pear. How do dresses at J Crew run? I have a No. 2 Pencil that is a 4 that does is not snug. But I should be a 6 or an 8 by their measurements (28-29″ waist, 38″ hips). Just order a 4 and take in the top? Or order 4, 6, and 8? Also, I’m 5-4, so should I order the same sizes in regular and petite to see where the waist is relative to the shoulders? There are so, so many things that have to come together and usually I am dress-less.
. . . that does not fit snug . . .
self-edit fail
I’m a pear too and the JCrew dresses never work on me, FYI. They look so cute online but IMO, they are cut more for a straight figure.
Agreeing with this. I’d order your normal pencil skirt size, as the bottom part of the sheath dresses fits the same way as my No. 2 Pencils, and plan to take in the top a bit if you’re a pear.
Cosign. The need significant, very expensive tailoring to fit pears, and their waist placement is usually too low on me. (I am a short waisted pear.)
I do find their dresses fit snugger than skirts, particularly the No 2 pencil so I would suggest a 6 for you. As a pear, I actually find that J. Crew dresses work well for me. I am an hourglassy pear so my natural waist is quite small proportionally and I like the fit of the waists, but if my waist was proportionally larger, I don’t think the fits would work for me.
Thanks — any thoughts on petite v. regular sizing?
I am too short, waist to shoulders, for Brooks Brothers. And on Boden I’ve given up — the waist placement on their dresses makes me look pregnant (but I love their blouses).
I am a pear and wear a 6 in the no2 pencil skirt and the same size in the dresses. Technically I can fit into a 4 but prefer the room a 6 allows. The dresses I buy fit well on the bottom half and sometimes have a little extra room up top but nothing to the point where I have felt the need to get them altered. I’m a small B cup. I agree with your point about the size chart – ignore it.
Your description of yourself as a pear intrigues me. My measurements are almost identical to yours – wear a 28 or 29 in jeans and hips about 38″ at the widest part. And I know the definition of a pear is a 10″ or greater difference between waist and hips. But I’m 6′ tall and definitely do not look pear shaped. My shoulders are about the same width as my hips, I look very straight figured, and I do not have a noticeable waist. Does height make a difference? (Sorry for hi-jacking your question).
The difference might be your shoulders. I have the shoulders of . . . a small child? Like I stopped growing when I was 10, so I have no rib cage and no shoulders. Shoulder bags do not work on me. My band size is a 30, so I am definitely triangular.
The key other thing in pear-ness is that I am very muscular below the waist, all from things that build butt/thigh muscles (hello biking / speed skating / doing squats). So not only do I have a healthy hip measurement, but I have a lot of junk going on in the trunk department (or it’s trunk down to mid-thigh, so I need fabric or at least stretch to avoid being uncomfortable and the dreaded camel toe).
I think I am perfectly built for roller derby. We’ll see about a dress from J Crew. :)
Speaking as a short pear, I think height matters–wider hips will look proportionally wider on a shorter woman.
Midwest Mama, I wouldn’t consider you a pear unless your bust measurement is significantly smaller than your hip measurement. You might be an hourglass (hip/bust are similar measurement with proportionately small waist). Pears have a hip measurement several inches larger than the bust and also a proportionately small waist. I’m a pear, and like most pears I wear tops that are at least a size or two smaller than bottoms (unless it’s a full skirt). Hence the difficulty in shopping for dresses.
I’m similarly built and my ribcage is 30-32″, so I am myself somewhat of a pear, but my shoulders are wider than my hips so it doesn’t look like I am. It’s only an issue if I wear dresses and need to take them in up top – actually it is frustrating, because things are always too small in the shoulder and way too big in the chest and ribcage area. No one is going to look me and think I’m pear-shaped, though.
Does anyone have experience moving to be closer to a sick parent, or considering such a move?
For more context, my father has early onset Alzheimer’s. He has experienced a slow decline over the past few years but has been progressing more steadily over the last year.
My husband and I are in our early thirties, and we grew up in the area where my father lives – we know we like it, although not as much as our current location (which is a four hour plane ride away). It is an economically/culturally similar area to where we currently live, and we would likely be able to transfer to this location in our current jobs without much difficulty. It would be a better location for my husband and a worse location for me career-wise, but the difference is not too significant.
My father has caregivers, so we would not be moving back in a full caregiving capacity. The move would allow us to see him more frequently and handle emergencies as they come up. I have other family in the area who currently visit and handle emergencies, but our presence would allow us to share that burden and would give us more time with my father while he has some capacity left. Living in the area would mean that we would see him for a meal or outing 1-2 times per week and likely check in more frequently.
I’ve been going back and forth on this decision since my father’s diagnosis a few years ago. On the one hand, we like where we currently live, our careers are going in a good direction, and we would not independently make a move at this time. We have a strong social and professional network and have other family in our current area. We are in a place where we are ready to put down roots and start a family soon, and we had envisioned doing so in our current area. We are able to see my father with some regularity and have more focused visits by spending vacation days with him rather than seeing him for quicker but more frequent visits at times when we are distracted by work obligations. Until recently, my father could travel to see us, but recent developments have made that no longer a possibility, so going forward, our visits will be limited by our ability to take time off work to travel to him.
At this stage in his disease, I don’t know that our presence would make a difference to my father for that much longer. However, I worry that I will regret not spending more time with him while he has some ability to communicate and engage. I also feel helpless when problems arise, and I hate that the burden of many day-to-day issues falls to other family members (although they are happy, willing and able to take them on).
Writing it out, it seems like a fairly easy decision to move back. But in practice, it feels much more complicated. I’ve gotten lots of advice against making a move – that it would be hard on my relationship, that I need to make the right choices for my immediate family and my career, that it’s silly to uproot my life and career for what may be a limited time period (assuming we would move back if we left, which might not be the case), etc. Selfishly, it’s honestly sometimes easier to have some distance from this very sad and difficult family situation.
If you have either made a move back to live near a parent or decided against it, what were the factors that drove your decision? Would you make the same decision again?
Move. You want to, it makes sense for both of your jobs, and I don’t see any reason why it would be hard on your relationship.
you are a very very good person for even considering this. for me, I’d like to give you permission to stay where you are and visit as much as possible. ask yourself if your father would really want you making that many sacrifices for him. and for what may be a very short time that it matters at all. as a parent, I can tell you that I want more for my children to thrive than anything else. good luck. horrible situation.
+1. You should do what you want for YOUR lives and only move back if it makes sense for you and your spouse together.
Also, IME, frequent, structured visits from another location can actually be better – if you moved you would have to find jobs, settle your household, etc. etc., and then after you started a new job would not be able to take much time off, so the *effective* time that you would be there might be more frequent or might not. I would spend weekends flying back and forth, maybe twice a month now and then taper if your dad’s recognition goes.
Here is a very honest answer: my mom had lewy body dementia (similar to Alzheimer’s) and was diagnosed at 62 and passed away at 66 (so also early onset). My brother was close by and I was halfway across the country.
For me personally, I do not wish I was closer. I visited a lot. 3-6 times a year. Sometimes, during the last year, on an hours notice. I had my dad visit us as much as possible, especially after my mom had to live in a 24-hour care facility.
This is a terrible, terrible disease. It is miserable to watch someone go through. Someone told me this after my mom was first diagnosed and I was still not expecting how bad it would be. You are not selfish (at least not it a bad way) for thinking it will be easier from far away. I suspect my brother wishes I was closer. But I am glad I was not. From far away, your role is different. I could make more rationale decisions. I could also come in for a week or two and clean things up, give people breaks, etc. Sometimes it was clear that my brother resented me for being farther away; certainly in the last few years. In the early years, I wished I was closer.
My view is that you need to do what is best for you and your family (my dad told me this over and over, and he was right). Be there for your family as much as you can, but don’t move unless it really makes sense for you. And it might. This might be a move you were contemplating down the line and this just speeds it up. Or if your parents cant handle the expense of caregivers and they need you, then it also might make sense.
I don’t think I would move, but I would probably make changes so that I could visit more often. Can you take FMLA when emergencies arise? It may be disruptive, but I imagine it would be much less disruptive than uprooting your entire life with a move, and it will enable you to spend time with your father and feel like you are contributing to his care. It sounds like your father’s health is declining and he may only have a few years left. When he dies, you and your husband will probably end up staying in the new location even though it isn’t where you want to be – this sounds like a permanent solution to a temporary challenge.
+1 for FMLA
You can set it up to be approved for “intermittent” and that should cover emergencies.
If you’re leaning toward moving back to be with your dad, perhaps you could negotiate with your employer to work remotely? Definitely field-dependent, but it seems like more employers these days are willing to help employees take care of aging parents.
What is the long-term plan for caregiving? What is the capacity of the other family members to handle any emergencies that come up? Are they local? Having watched several family members spend their last years in assisted living/memory care environments with essentially round the clock care, it’s my experience that the emergencies become more frequent. (e.g. your parent has fallen and is in the ED with significant facial injuries). These are exhausting for everyone and you will need a plan to have someone on the ground so to speak.
At this stage, he is living at home with caregiver support. In addition to the caregivers, we are working with care managers who help coordinate and assess care needs (and can also respond to emergencies). My mom is no longer living, but between other family members living locally and our care team, there are people who can respond to emergencies quickly. As the disease progresses, we have been reassessing needs and whether this current situation will work (rather than a facility), but it is working for now.
I was in a very similar situation, except I am the spouse. My FIL passed away from EOALZ two years ago. It’s a really, really hard disease, and early onset is particularly brutal. I’m so sorry you are going through this. When FIL was newly diagnosed, we also strongly considered whether to move to my husband’s hometown (we also would not have been the primary caretakers). We ultimately did not move.
I can’t begin to make the decision for you, but I can tell you what we experienced during the progression of the disease (FIL passed 10 years after his diagnosis). Most importantly, we made a conscious decision to go back as frequently as possible. We forewent vacations b/c we spent all extra money to travel back to see his dad – we tried to go every two or three months. Even when we did not have the money, we found the money. I think that helped. We tried never to say “no” to going – and always had the next trip planned when we left (and made room for last minute trips, especially for the last few years). As you have hinted, it was more for my husband than for his father. Sometimes he just needed to be there. Be prepared for these trips to take a lot out of you. My husband was exhausted emotionally and physically after each trip. If his father experienced a significant or noticeable decline between trips, it was particularly difficult. It helped that a family member prepared me for his dad’s condition before we traveled back, and I could help prepare my husband. It helped that we did not have children until the very end, so we could be flexibile to travel.
My husband struggled with feeling like he wasn’t doing enough to help. He also struggled with the fact that he liked that our day to day life wasn’t in his hometown, and felt a sense of relief whenever we flew home. He was thriving professionally, but felt like a part of his mind was always back in his hometown.
All of this said, with the benefit of hindsight, not moving was the right decision for us. There are some components of his family that would have negatively impacted his and our life if we were present on a day to day basis. He could not have pursued the profession he choose in his hometown. He really needed a physical separation to help him not become completely immersed in the tragedy of the health issues and unrelated family issues. We have a great relationship with his family, but I don’t think that relationship would have thrived if we had moved back. It helped that my FIL had told my husband to go out and “seek his fortune” before he got too sick, and so my husband knew he had his father’s blessing to stay put. A kind uncle reiterated that message whenever my husband struggled with the decision to stay.
The best advice that we didn’t follow was to find a great grief and family therapist and start seeing them immediately. There are minefields to losing a parent to this disease that we couldn’t have predicted. I think a therapist could also help you navigate the decision to move, and I wish my husband would have talked to a therapist about managing guilt.
I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. Good luck. Know that whatever you decide, you can’t make your father well. Try to separate what your father would have wanted for you, and what you want for yourself from the awfulness of the disease.
Based on my experience, you should think abut staying where you are, but when it comes time for him to move into a different living situation (nursing home or assisted living) you should consider moving him to be near you. When my MIL had to move out of her home, we moved her to be near us. She had to make a major transition anyway, so it made sense. She has severe dementia and has been near us for 6 years now. It’s been great because my husband gets to see her and take care of her, but we didn’t have to uproot ourselves.
+1.
Also, just to keep in mind if you’re thinking you can always move him later if you start out in a nursing home where he is now — once he’s deteriorated enough to need care, it may be detrimental to move nursing homes. I have a friend dealing with this now, who mistakenly assumed she could always move her dad later. He’s so far advanced that the disturbance of his routine would cause him to lose a lot of the self he has left.
I was already living with my mother when she got sick and hands down would have done anything to spend more time with her when she was able to communicate.
Thank you all for this incredibly thoughtful and helpful advice!
Actually, if you read the posts carefully, they show an interesting trend.
Almost every person who has not been a caregiver for their parent tells you not to go. All decisions are rationalized, and several admit their siblings who were left with the brunt of caregiving were distressed and would have liked more help. No guilt mentioned. Stunning to me.
One even suggested that as soon as your father is severely demented, you can taper your visits. This is often the time when the caregivers and your siblings will need relief THE MOST. The selfishness here is mind boggling to me.
Yet, those you stayed and cared for their oarents…. No regrets.
My relationships with family members is profoundly impacted on how we came together (or didn’t) with my parents’ declines. You can’t relive these years.
I’m very surprised too. It honestly reads like robots to me. Like well my career and personal life was better, but sure my brothers/sisters/others tremendously suffered.
+1
I moved back to my hometown after my father became ill, and was very glad I made that decision. However, he had an injury and his health eventually improved, not a progressive disease. I found that being able to come by the house twice a week for an hour at a time was much better for our relationship than the every-couple-of-months visits.
I moved in my 30’s to be closer to my parents because they both were struck with tragic illnesses, too young. My mother is now passed from cancer, and my father is severely disabled and paralyzed.
My gut feeling is you should move. And just so you know…. Your current caregiver situation is an utter, incredible fantasy. You are so incredibly lucky. You have the chance to go home and actually still be a daughter, without so many of the stressors of caregiving. Aging in place, with live in caregivers, care managers and other family involved….. And it sounds like…. A history of good family relationships. I know no one so fortunate. I am so envious, I am embarrassed to say. Forgive me.
He will be gone sooner than you think. This will be one of the most important experiences of your life. And you and your husband will both be able to work and have a good quality of life. If you have children, you are modeling priorities and behaviors for them that are profound. Living far away and saving every vacation to visit your Dad and feeling guilty may actually be more stressful. Your other family members will also start to resent you. It is inevitable.
For me it’s a no brainier….. But every family is different.
The lines on this dress do not look flattering considering that they make the model look super hip-py…although I guess that could be a good thing in some cases.
I had the same exact thought.
Everything Bailey 44 makes is skin tight. It might not look like it on a thin model with a straight figure, but their clothes are too bodycon to wear to most offices.
you are a very very good person for even considering this. for me, I’d like to give you permission to stay where you are and visit as much as possible. ask yourself if your father would really want you making that many sacrifices for him. and for what may be a very short time that it matters at all. as a parent, I can tell you that I want more for my children to thrive than anything else. good luck. horrible situation.
I lost a piece of jewlery in my cubicle and I can’t figure out where. Does anyone have good tricks for finding missing things that are small?
Take your shoes off and you’re sure to step on it, if it is sharp/poke-y.
Do you think it fell on the floor? If so, you could use a sticky tape lint roller to roll that area of the floor and hope it sticks. This could be gross though depending on how dirty your floor is, but maybe less so than just running your hand across the floor. Also a flashlight often helps when looking for jewelry because it should reflect off of any exposed metal.
a magnet?
Use the flashlight on your phone and wave it around – hopefully it’ll reflect off of the surface. Also, if it’s an earring, look in your shirt/bra…I have had backings to earrings fall out and land there…
And if you use a flashlight, turn the lights out in your office first, so any reflection will be more obvious.
Do you have access to a vacuum at work? The tip that comes to mind is covering the end of a vacuum nozzle with pantyhose.
:-/ I feel so stupid.
Did you look in all the nooks and crannies of your office chair? I was once convinced I had lost my security pass until I found it had sort of slipped between the back and seat of the chair (this sort of depends on the design of the chair though). Good luck!
Once I lost a necklace and it turned out that it was in my bra the whole time.
This gives me hope. Things don’t just disappear. Right? That’s a law of physics?
Similarly, check inside your shoes (and maybe pants pockets too). My husband thought he lost a necklace at someone’s wedding and found it months later inside the shoes he’d worn that day.
Is it small? In your keyboard? Chair? Floor?
Make sure the cleaning staff know so they can help keep an eye out
I would post this on the Mom’s s*te but there is no post up for today. What is the minimum amount of money you would be comfortable with having in savings when a first baby is born? I am trying to decide whether to keep making large monthly payments on my student loans (and probably have them paid off by the time baby comes) or to just pay off the balance with savings (which would leave us with $6k immediately, and if baby comes on time, time to save up to about $12k). The savings on interest is about $200, so it is more for the mental benefit of having the loans gone.
Do you need savings to cover lost income for while you are on leave? Or childcare? Or both? Honestly, other than diapers and take-out/delivery (because I was exhausted), we spent nothing during the first few months. I might pay off your loans just for peace of mind, if they are weighing on you and you have savings to cover it.
I meant to include this info in my post – I am anticipating needing maybe $1k in savings to cover expenses while I am on leave (absent any large unexpected costs, which I realize are very possible with a new baby).
I would make monthly payments in your position, I think…especially as the loans will probably be paid off by the time the baby comes. Before making the decision, I’d also look into the insurance you plan to have while pregnant and during delivery, as well as whether you have short term disability, substantial annual/sick leave, etc. If the worst case scenario happens (for example, premature birth, surgery and/or long hospital stay for you, surgery and/or long NICU stay for baby), how much would that cost? Would you and/or your partner have to take unpaid leave?
In my case, we’ll have about $50k in savings when the baby is born (ideally, a down payment nest egg, but we could of course dip into it for an emergency).
Also keep in mind that your current savings rate might be more difficult when you get pregnant, if you are anything like me! We were saving tons, but have ended up spending more per month because (a) I don’t have as much energy, and have outsourced things like housecleaning and sometimes meals; and (b) we have been buying some baby stuff, paying for childbirth and other classes, etc.
$10k. Pay off your loans!
I was comfortable with 10k. But make sure you know what your hospital costs would be. We saved 10k apart from medical bills.
I think I would make minimum loan payments during the pregnancy, and if the baby is born healthy with no surprises, go ahead and pay them off right after the birth.
And by “right after,” I mean “a few months after once you have adjusted to the new normal.”
I guess I would say to expect to hit your out of pocket maximum in the first year of your baby’s life. We thought oh, it will cost a few thousand dollars to have our babies (twins). The birth went as planned and was relatively cheap with my insurance but then they both got RSV at 10 weeks and one was hospitalized for two weeks in the PICU. I quit my job so we were on my husband’s insurance at that point and it cost us $10k out of pocket for the hospital stay. Thank goodness we had that money in savings but that huge expense was not at all on our radar.
I should say “expect” but rather be VERY conservative with your budget.
Triangle-area (NC) posters–any suggestions for good jewelry stores, in particular any that sell vintage/estate pieces? I’m engagement ring shopping and would really love a ring from the 1920s-30s. Alternatively, has anyone had a good experience buying a vintage ring online and have specific recommendations? Thanks!
I’m interested in the answer w/r/t vintage and estate jewelry. I picked a ring I liked online and we ordered it from the designer through Fink’s in Durham (we used an heirloom diamond). It was a pleasant experience, although their in-store selection was very small. Our wedding bands came from Diamonds Direct, which had good selection. It was also a positive experience.
My 1-year old cat is going crazy watching the leaves fall. She keeps trying to pounce on them through the window and banging on/scratching at the window/trying to climb the glass. (I know, this makes her sound not-so-bright). She sometimes “chatters” at them. She just crawls under/through the blinds if I try to close them. Any thoughts on how to get her to chill?
Do you want her to chill because she is bothering you, or because you are worried about her banging on the windows and hurting herself? If it’s the first, can you put her in a closet or other room while you need to concentrate? If it’s the second, I’d let her do it. If it really hurts her she’ll stop.
Well, it’s really mostly a problem when she starts at the crack of dawn, and her preferred window is the one over my bed…she sometimes ends up jumping up and down ON my head! (She just wails like a banshee if we put her out of the room). So I guess I will just have to wait it out.
My brother’s cat did this, the only thing that worked was blocking the cat’s access to windows wherever possible (by moving furniture, putting heavy obstacles on ledges, etc.) and then covering the windows where the cat’s access couldn’t be blocked with curtains and taping the curtains to the wall so the cat couldn’t get between the curtains and the windows. On the bright side, the cat is two this year and doesn’t seem to care about the leaves, so she may outgrow it by next fall!
Sorry, no advice to offer that hasn’t been offered, but this sounds kind of hilarious (as long as she’s not hurting herself) and totally something my dumb cat would do too :)
It is cute when it’s not at the crack of dawn…My BF totally spoils her and he went outside where she could see him, picked up some leaves and showed them to her through the window, and brought them inside for her, saying “these are the ones you wanted, right?” She played with them for a few minutes and went back to the window….Oh well, the leaves should be all gone soon enough I guess.
I missed the “cat” part of this and read it as my one year old. Then I saw people suggesting putting child in closet and I was horrified. Reading comprehension fail.
+1 I had the same reaction and couldn’t understand why people were giving cat-related advice!
I read it this way as well! I was wondering why others were comparing a child to a cat, oops
This is a weird thing to write. I don’t know how I should be washing my face. Right now I just use warm water and a facecloth in the morning and at night. Once 2×3 times a week I use a face wash, but I only do that on days where I am washing my hair, otherwise I find the face wash around my hairline messes up my hair. My skin is oily/combination/acne prone and I feel like I should be doing something more/different. If I use a makeup removing wipe, do I need to wash with water or soap after that? What about a toner, how does that work? Basically I am looking for a way to clean my face without all the wetness and foam of a facial cleanser. I’m not in a good area for popping in to one of those sephora type stores (or even a department store) to consult with someone. Help?
Maybe have a look on Caroline Hirons’ blog? She is the queen of skincare. If you feel like you always get face wash in your hair I’d try something more solid like the Body Shop Camomile Cleansing Butter- it’s removed with a muslin cloth or face cloth which you’ve soaked in hot water under the tap. That way you may get your hair wet but not soapy.
Foaming facial cleansers are generally a bad idea so I’d move away from it if you can.
Perhaps try using a gentler face wash? I’m not sure how you would clean your face decently without getting it wet. Maybe wrap a towel around your hair if you’re not able to avoid splashing. If you’re only using a makeup removing wipe and not washing your face after or moisturizing, that will probably aggravate acne.
Is there anything you want to fix….are you having issues with acne breakouts, or does your face tend to get dry and/or flaky? If not, I don’t know that there is a problem with what you are doing. Unless you wear makeup regularly, in which case I’d guess some is left on your face if you only use warm water and a washcloth.
Gurl, you’ve got options – there are so many different cleansing products and methods out there! I recommend reading reviews online and then getting samples to see what works for your skin, or buying them somewhere with a no-hassle return policy, like Sephora.
For anecdata, at night I remove my make-up with a cotton pad and Bioderma Sensibio H20 Cleansing Water, then I use the Kiehl’s Iris Essence Activating Treatment (instead of toner) before putting on my serum/moisturizer. I prefer to exfoliate in the morning to lift dead skin cells before I put on make-up, so in the morning, I use my Clarisonic and Philosophy’s Purity Made Simple original cleanser, avoiding my hairline.
I have oily/combination/acne prone skin, and I cannot imagine not washing my face with soap at least once a day. I think you need to decide which is more important to you–clear skin or perfect hair. You might also be able to use a good wash if you rinse carefully with a washcloth instead of splashing your face.
These are a few face washes that have worked for me:
– panoxyl 4% BP wash
– Neutrogena grapefruit wash
– if skin is dry, cetaphil
– purpose
– jan marini bioglycolic face wash
– pernox (no longer made, but sulfur-based)
I would NEVER EVER use a pre-made face wipe. They have a ton of oil and other possibly irritating ingredients and are not really designed for acne prone skin. You can achieve the same using a wash better made for you skin using a washcloth.
Yes. I have the same skin and if I didn’t wash my face regularly (1-2x per day) it would be a hot mess. But I don’t think you have to sacrifice your hair. Get a big fat headband (I’m thinking the bang-tamer ones at Lululemon, but I’m sure there are lots that size that don’t cost that much) and put it right on your hairline to wash your face. Or you can always touch up the hairs around your face with a blow dryer or flatiron once you’re done. And I think over time you will get more skilled at washing your face–I can do it without getting my hair wet at all.
What are you doing with your hair when you wash your face? Can you pull it back with a hair band or something, so that it doesn’t get wet?
With acne, I was washing my face with soap twice a day. I used a stretchy hair band to pull my hair off my face, and was careful not to get too close to my hairline.
Or you could try putting a cleanser on a washcloth and using that–it might give you a bit more control near the hairline.
I have oily/ combination skin, but find that face wash and soap just means I have dry, flaky skin AND pimples. I now use Thayer’s witch hazel toner in the rose petal scent with a cotton ball in the morning and at night. My skin is nice and balanced (and it smells really nice!).
Get a wide terrycloth “spa” headband and wear it at your hairline while washing your face.
Is your hair the only reason you don’t wash your face with face wash every day? Or is it too drying/irritating on your skin? If it’s just your hair, I agree with Anonymous at 12:52, get yourself a headband! or tie it back and use elastics, even a shower cap. (But maybe I’m biased because I love my face more than my hair? I’ve never pitted them against each other before)
If your skin is irritated: a) switch to gentler face wash OR a face cleansing oil. I know that sounds counter-intuitive but the oil cleanser could make you less oily without stripping your skin.
b) it could be the wash cloth. Is it a new one every time? Is it too rough? You could try something gentler, like a soft face brush or a konjac sponge.
If you have oily skin, I would definitely think you should be washing your face more often. You may find that you’ll be less oily and less acne prone.
Old HS friend and I are both in DC today for separate conferences, planning to meet in DuPont for dinner. Looking for someplace stylish or fun, with veg options. DC ‘r e t t e s, any recs?
Thanks!
Kramerbooks?
One of my favorite places ever, but haven’t had a meal there in long time. Good idea.
I love anywhere with wine and books. This is why I also love airports :)
Look at the fabric up close in the Nordstrom link. Rayon/nylon. Looks cheap, certainly not in the $230 range.
Question: we have a lovely vintage dining room table (1930s) that was gifted to us by a family member. It’s in great condition because they always covered it with pads and a tablecloth — but the table itself is beautiful and we’d like people to see it. But neither of us know how to treat/use/protect a wood table short of the pads+tablecloth because that’s what we grew up with. It seems a shame to hide the wood, even with a pretty tablecloth Do you all have suggestions of how to use/protect a wood dining room table while not completely covering it? Off topic, I know, but I thought the readers here might be in a position to have similarly lovely tables.
Larger placemats can help – so that you can get your plates and cutlery on them. Liberal use of heat protecting placemat under dishes and a stack of coasters on the table so there’s always one handy.
You can get a piece of glass cut for your table top to protect it.
I agree that getting a piece of glass is a good option, but will also offer that my parents had a beautiful wood dining table when I was growing up that wasn’t protected by anything at all (other than placemats/trivets/similar things when eating) and it continues to look fabulous. That said, we ate on it relatively rarely–generally we used the kitchen table, and the nice one was in the dining room–and I was a pretty careful kid (not particularly rambunctious or prone to, say, applying markers to surfaces other than paper) without siblings. YMMV if you want to use it every day or have kids who aren’t compulsively obedient.
Growing up, we ate at the dining room table every night.
Most of the time, the table had the pads and a table cloth on it, for protection day to day.
For holidays and formal dinner parties, Mom would take all the pads off and use placemats or a lace tablecloth. If you go that route, you need trivets for anything hot that will go on the table, to protect the finish. And any glasses either need to stay on the placemats or have coasters. Although stemmed glasses, like wine glasses, shouldn’t drip.
If you aren’t using the table daily, you can leave it bare and show it off. But be careful of sliding anything across it–it might scratch the finish. And if kids do their homework on the bare table, you need to put something down between the paper they are writing on and the table–even pencil can leave a depression in the wood.
+1. My kids have killed our dining room table in short order – glitter from a snow globe they broke that WON’T COME OFF (I tried, it took the finish off) and lots of drawing with pencil.
I have a table like this & I just use placemats and regular furniture polish. It’s our regular every day table and so far that’s worked to keep it in great shape. I also don’t mind a ding here or there – adds character, IMHO, but those haven’t really shown up. I’d just be careful about putting anything too hot on it or letting candle wax drip.
Thank you all — this is really helpful. I will look into some larger placemats. We have a lot of trivets/etc. It won’t be our everyday table right now.
In terms of upkeep, I saw someone mention polish – what kind do you use? I remember, vaguely, reading at one point that pledge-like polishes aren’t actually good for the wood in the long run.
Can we talk about beneficiaries?
I’m 35 and until now my beneficiary had been my mom. But she passed away last year and up until this point I haven’t switched anything but today opened up an account that needs beneficiaries. So that’s been a trigger for me to evaluate and change all of my account information.
Here’s my situation: I’m 35, single, never married, no kids, not even dating. I have cousins but I’m not really close to them and they don’t jump out immediately as my first choice.
I know an option is an organization and I’m pretty sure I could come up with a couple of options I’d feel comfortable with.
What I’m asking the hive for is what those in similar situations have chosen to do or what questions they asked in making the decision .
Please feel free to go anonymous if you would like.
Thanks
Rose
If you know what organization you would want to designate they probably have someone on staff who can help you do that. It’s probably standard but I’d also make sure there is money off the top taken to take care of “final expenses.”
My husband and I decided a few years ago to leave our entire estate to our alma mater. On jointly-held accounts, the university’s foundation is the primary beneficiary. On accounts held by one spouse, the other spouse is the primary and the university’s foundation is the secondary. Our parents are all alive and we have siblings and nieces and nephews but we feel very strongly that leaving our estate to the university would touch many more lives. The development/giving office helped us set up an endowment.
In a similar situation, and I elected to make mine Episcopal Relief and Development (the Episcopal church’s disaster relief/international development org) and the scholarship fund at my alma mater. My parents are living, and I allocated a small portion to them for funeral costs.
No spouse, but I do have younger (than me, but have their own jobs) siblings. I named the 2 that aren’t married as my beneficiaries, instead of my parents.
Got any unmarried friends you really like and want to help out?
I am in a similar situation – 36, single, no kids, not currently dating and am an only child. I have four cousins – none of whom I am close too. However – I have many godchildren or children of friends who I am “Aunt” to. So my beneficiaries are those children. I also went to a private high school and I considered doing a bequest to that school (rather than my college or law school). Here was my thinking though – the children I have named as my beneficiaries are honestly the closest I will every come to having my own children – and I would rather have the assets I have worked so hard for benefit them. I just tend to choose people every time – but if I did not have children I was that close to then it would probably be to my alma mater. I also made sure that there is an allocation for my executors to pay any funeral or other debts. There is also a fund set up to take care of my pets if they are still living.
Thank you! This gives me plenty to think about and a way to start a pro/con list of some sort.
And a reminder I need to get my own will, power of attorney etc set up too.
Community Foundations are often great options because you can select areas of interest or the general endowment and they never spend the principle only the interest so your money can impact your community for a long time. Some Foundations will even set up a designated fund so that you can direct the spending – for example rural development, young women’s education, animal or nature care, city parks or other services like libraries or museums or science centres etc.
Any positive or negative experiences using LegalZoom or similar to draft a will, etc.? Recommendations? This is something DH and I should probably do, but our circumstances are pretty straightforward (main issue would be guardianship of child, who to manage $$ until child is of age, who to name as executor).
I used Nolo’s online will package and was very pleased. Our situation is similar to yours, and I felt like the software dealt with all the necessary issues and was easy to use. Bonus that there is also an option to set up health care proxies, living wills, etc.
I would go to a qualified estate planning attorney. I wouldn’t rely on LegalZoom or any general practice attorney for estate planning.
+1
I would definitely see a qualified estate planning attorney if you’re dealing with issues like guardianship, a trust for your child, etc. Plus, they can do health care directives, powers of attorney, etc. for you.
As personal experience, I can tell you my mother used WillMaker or something along those lines to draft her will, and it led to some problems when she died, including with respect to authentication and confusion between personal and real property. Whatever she saved is using the software was spent in dealing with an estate attorney to straighten it out. (For the record, the estate attorney my sisters and I retained was great, but he had to solve some problems for us.)
I’ll just add that my sister and BIL, who are notoriously thrifty, decided to have their wills redone by an estate attorney after my mother died. The had used software before. My sister’s point was that having a well-drafted will makes it easier for those who are left behind trying to deal with the tragedy of a death as well as the financial and logistical details.
+1 million. Ease of use isn’t the right measure for something complicated like estate planning. See a lawyer and do it right.
A qualified attorneys will meet with you and ask the right questions to determine whether there are other issues or things to consider. For example, I’m sure most people are aware that a will only covers probate assets, but there are situations where someone opens an account and names a parent or sibling as beneficiary and doesn’t think about it again until it is too late and the will does not determine the distribution of that account. You may be able to get away with something like LegalZoom, but I wouldn’t leave my child’s financial future to an online service. Also, a lot of attorneys think it is easy to just put together a simple will, but they end up making serious mistake that create problems for families.
sorry, you get what you pay for… which means that it’s not drafted by an attorney licensed in that state. this may be an “easy” issue, but the reason that you are putting these types of issues down on paper is to make sure that your wishes are properly followed. technical details missing depending on your specific states laws can prevent that from happening. Is that a risk that you’re willing to take? I wouldn’t be. I gave my brother in law and his wife the same advice a few weeks ago.
Does anyone have advice or success stories on asking to work remotely?
Background: I’m in-house at a large company and I work in City A in Country X. My primary responsibilities involve supporting a business unit located in a different country (Country Y). For personal reasons (my husband’s temporary relocation), I’d like to be able to work remotely from City B in Country X. Two possible hiccups: (1) no member of our department currently works remotely or has done so in the past, and (2) no guarantee that we would relocate back to City A after temporary position ends, although I’d like to minimize bringing this up as much as possible.
My internal clients love me and I have a good relationship with my boss, manager, etc. But this would be entirely new ground.
Thoughts? I really, REALLY like my job and want to keep it, and think I could actually do it quite well from home in a different city due to the fact that my clients aren’t physically located in my current office anyway.
Any stories from the trenches?
Oh and to add:
– my company does NOT have an office in City B so I’d be asking to work remotely and from home (as opposed to a transfer to a different office)
– I’ve been at this company and in this role for about 7 years
I’ve had a couple of friends be able to negotiate a full time work remotely gig when a spouse was transferred. The key was to have a lot of internal goodwill with the company and phrase it as a trial thing (say 3-6 months with the idea that both parties would sit down at the end of the period and confirm whether it was working or not) and offer to fly back at intervals to the home office on your own dime (say going up once a month for 2 days or whatnot).
Looking for advice… My long term boyfriends father was diagnosed with ALS three years ago. He is getting worse and does not have too much time left (probably six months or so). He has moved back in with his family to help and I drive there every weekend to spend time with them. However, my boyfriend has recently been getting mad at me for no reason and picking fights over little things. I understand that he is frustrated with his dad’s illness and I feel like he is taking it out on me. He doesn’t like to talk about his dad even when I ask. does anyone have any suggestions for dealing with this? I am trying my best to be supportive and do Everything I can but it feels like he is just pushing me away. Thanks.
His behavior is totally normal and he should go to therapy to sort through his feelings in a more productive way.
Also – you might just ask him if he wants more space right now, and if so, give it to him.
You might want to check out writing by Carolyn Hax, the advice columnist. Her mother passed away from ALS.
I’d check out the ALS association in your state. His father may already be getting assistance from them. A family member of mine works for the one in my home state and I know they have support groups for not only the patient but also the families. They may be able to help.
I am sorry to hear about this terrible diagnosis.
You do know that there is commonly a dementia that affects many patients with ALS? That could be the main contributor to this change in behavior.
One of my patients regularly swore at me, pinched me …. This is a really complicated problem. Sometimes medication can be helpful, but sometimes it isn’t.
His ALS team is very familiar with these situations. I strongly agree with a local ALS support group.
Oops. So sorry. I thought your boyfriend had ALS.
Your boyfriend needs the support group. Offer to go with him.