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Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anon
I wear custom orthotics and during the colder months it was fairly easy to fit them in shoes. Now that it’s warm I’m at a loss! I’m having a hard time wedging them into sandals. Any ‘rettes out there have orthotics and suggestions for warm weather footwear?
Anon
I wear orthotics. I wear open-ish shoes in the summer but not those with just a strap around the back. I can make my orthotics work in a shoe that has a closed back but an open toe, as mine are dress orthotics that go from my heel to just past the arch in the front. They show in more open shoes but I think you only see them if you’re really looking for them.
Anonymous
Vionic loafers (the insoles are removable), although the ones that come in them are pretty great as is. They also have some tennis shoes with espadrille-like yarn around them that look summery and nicer than athletic shoes with removable insoles. I think it’s difficult to do a sandal with a full insole.
Ariadne
I wear orthotics too, and in the summer, I wear naot sandals— some that fit orthotics, and others, I just wear without. They have lots of new streamlined styles, and are super supportive. On summer days where I do lots of walking, I just place my orthotics into my runners — Ecco, earth brand, and new balance. Most of these run more casual than what you may be looking for though.
Pen and Pencil
Birkenstocks are great for wearing without the orthotic. My podiatrist recommended them when I was young because I was having falling arch issues.
I also do perforated leather loafers in the summer. Any wide shoe like this usually takes my insole.
CHL
Not sure if this is helpful but my plumber said he just doesn’t like Kohler fixtures anymore – according to him the tubs, sinks, toilets etc are good but the faucets and other accoutrements aren’t lasting these days.
Anon
Is it because you can’t wear an orthotic with Kohler fixtures?
Anonymous
My males co-worker always does just enough,cuts corners, estimates, gets close enough etc… He finishes faster then other people since he is not striving for perfection. I know this because he reported to me for a couple of years. When done early he surfs the net and basically goofs off. Open plan office so fairly obvious. To keep him busy he is always given some project. Fast forward two years and these projects have exposed him to the CEO and expanded his knowledge base. Just found out he is being promoted to be our boss. Is this a gender difference? Every single women in our department works harder than he does. Do women work and work at perfection wasting their time where men stick a fork in it and go home. I am so discouraged. Don’t know what I want to say here just venting and looking for a lesson in all this. Thanks.
Anonome
Can anyone recommend a store or brand that offers high-quality household fixtures/accessories? Even brands I used to trust, like Moen, are making garbage plastic stuff now–I am replacing my third shower head in two years because the plastic threading keeps snapping off. Does anyone sell robust, well-made metal products anymore?
anne-on
Do you have a plumbing supply house you can visit? I like kohler personally, and grohe is good. Once you’re past that the higher end brands are things like Graff. Signature Hardware online is a good source and very helpful with questions IMHO.
anon
If you can, I’d visit a showroom where you can visually inspect the fixtures and ask lots of questions. When we were building our house a few years ago, I found out that the Kohler/Moen stuff that’s sold at the mass-market stores (like Home Depot and Menards) isn’t the same quality as the stuff sold at the showrooms. Even if the name is the same, and they look the same, the inner components are different. We’ve had our Kohler fixtures for eight years now and (knock on wood) they’re holding strong.
LawDawg
I have had the same experience. I bought directly from Koehler, as recommended by my contractor, and everything has been great for ten years. Also, if you are doing a big job they will discount significantly.
waffles
we just redid our bathrooms and went with Grohe and Rubi bath fixtures. Both seem to be very good quality.
Anonymous
Tips for surviving a merger? General word around fellow managers is that it’s about to get worse before it will get better. And that it could take years before the restructuring is “complete”. All of the lower level staff are doing their jobs, but morale is low and no one is doing anything more than what’s required. It’s a ghost town at 4pm. Mid level like myself, feels like a mixed bag. Upper level are all running around in a panic barking orders, which no one in the lower levels really cares about. I’m not worried about my job, though maybe I should be? I’m in in house legal and tied to all the revenue generating business units. Advice? Tips to stay calm in the storm?
Anonymous
You probably should be worried. I’d start putting feelers out, at minimum. Two years is a long time to be in a state of confusion.
Anonymous
I’ve been in two merger situations. The first was tough. Lots of folks were let go. The ones that stayed were so miserable that being let go might have been better. All sorts of challenges with no clear direction that was compounded by the loss of a lot of expertise from that had either been let go or (just as common in the coming months) abandoned ship. There were not enough people to help in some areas and it took forever for management to see it. Many of the people who were left were paranoid and not sharing information. If merger results in redundancy and associated work force loss (either forced or chosen), it’s tough. No way around it.
The second situation I was in, I came aboard just after the merger (as part of the organization acquired). It has been wonderful. The organization got a huge infusion of cash, which helped open up whole new areas of product development, better staff training opportunities and improved the health benefits package. There are the occasional culture clashes, but overall both organizations worked in the same space but with difference focus that didn’t overlap (serving the same industry just one in events and the other in media), so it’s been pretty harmonious overall. The only real cuts were in HR. Sadly though, I think my first situation is the more common experience.
That’s why my first advice is dust the resume off even if you like it there. If you’re not let go, you want to have an out if it starts getting too toxic.
If it does still look workable, then:
-Try to get on board with the new. Folks tied to “we’ve always done it this way” or “this is the technology I’m used to using” don’t get much respect.
-Try to avoid “us” and “them” in conversation as much as possible. It not only makes you look like more of a team player, but it helps psychologically as well. You’ll feel like more of a team, even if the team is suffering a bit.
-Look for opportunities to lend a hand. The upside to everything getting thrown in flux a bit is that it can make it easier to gain new skills and possibly advance.
anon
You post did not indicate which side of the transaction you are on: acquirer or acquired.
It makes a huge difference and anyone saying: “merger of equals” is corporate speak.
If senior management from your company is in charge, this may be an opportunity for you.
If not, then dust off your resume and start networking.
Remember that whatever happens, decisions made are not about you and your work.
Anonymous
We were acquired. We are a large multinational and were acquired by another large multinational. The acquiring company does not have a business line that does what we do and there is not overlap. We are complimentary services. They are telling us right now that we will continue to be operated as a separate company with separate branding.
InDesign
My company was acquired by another in the same vertical but different business line as well. Same as you–we are complementary services w/no overlap. They are based in Canada, we are West Coast. It has been just over a year since it happened, and while there has been and is still the typical adjusting to change, we continue to operate as our own business unit and they the same. There has been some turnover. Also a lot of hiring. Things seem stable (stable enough). That super high stress response that filled the air for first several months has dissipated. Just another perspective to add to the mix.
Anonymous
As a consultant who has worked on m&a integration.
If you are not similar businesses, you are likely to stay separate, that is true.
With any acquisition, they are looking for some benefit, which typically means some sort of combination. It could be joining the sales force to sell both sets of products, it could be combining the back of the house. Understanding how they have positioned the rationale will help you understand the potential impact.
Vj
I’d be be worried if your company is the one that will cease to exist. Normally, many of those employees are phased out in stages once knowledge, accounts etc has been transferred.
AnonZ
Within your own department and responsibilities, do you feel like you are mostly being asked to push knowledge outwards (i.e. getting others up to speed on the business units you work with and relevant related info) or absorb knowledge in (i.e. learning how to do your job within the context of the new organization).
If they’re tilting you towards pushing knowledge out, it’s probably with the mindset that someone else from the other company will be taking over your responsibilities, and vice versa if they’re getting you up to speed on how things are done at NewCo.
As Littlefinger would say, chaos is a ladder, so the merger might be an opportunity to move up quickly (especially if others are leaving/being forced out), but you might have to read the tea leaves a bit.
Anon
Start looking for another job!
Anon
I have been with a large multinational real estate company for several years. We have been through two mergers with big acquired’s and many more with small ones. The one item that I have seen many times over is that the “new business line” actually already exists within the parent company, just not officially as its own business unit, or is part of a different new acquisition that hasn’t been incorporated into parent ecosystem yet. This makes it very tough to align processes even if you are operating as a separate legal entity. That said, if you have a knack for consultant-type work, you can start mapping out processes now and connecting with colleagues at your level across the parent company to try to drive the conversation with leadership rather than accept whatever happens. Either way, it’s an arduous road. I stayed because after interviewing for other jobs I realized I am very well paid for my niche, actually like the work that I do, have a good team, and have been offered new opportunities to learn due to the mergers. Depending on your state of the above factors, even if there are no plans for layoffs, it may be more beneficial to your career to find a place with more stability. Doubly so if the PTO/benefits/culture at the parent company are not any better than the old.
Anon
I posted last week about how I’ve been miserable at work due to my boss’ boss who is bullying me and I felt like I’m being driven to quit. Now I believe they’re actually going to fire me, so I’m waiting them out. I can’t sleep and I feel sick. This kind of thing has never happened to me before.
Anon
Document, document, document every interaction. Sorry you’re going through this.
Anonymous
What is your reason for waiting them out rather than proactively quitting? There are good reasons, such as an expectation of needed severance, an intention to file a claim, etc. But there are also good reasons to walk away on your own terms.
anon
I’ve heard that stress is better if you can do something about it. Can you focus on getting your next job? Or planning for being out of work while you job search (cutting any expenses, getting healthcare now if you might go with lesser coverage, making use of any benefits to employees)? Or, if it’s the termination may be unlawful or bad PR for you company, look into getting a lawyer to negotiate a separation agreement?
Anonymous
So sorry. If it helps, I was in your shoes about 2 years ago and getting fired ended up being the best thing that could have happened. At the time it was awful, because it felt so unfair, but I am at a much better company today. If I can offer any advice it is to start slowly clearing out your work area of personal items so that when the day comes its easier to take off, and to plan ahead of time to negotiate a positive reference. Something like, I’ll waive 1 week of my vacation payout in exchange for a positive reference and agreement to characterize this separation as being laid off, or something…Because that will make job searching loads easier.
Anonymous
don’t bother giving up money for a positive reference. it’s unlikely that they will give you a positive reference, but a neutral letter confirming dates of employment and last position held should be fo’ free.
Anon
I am sorry you are going through this. I have gone through this myself and it was incredibly difficult. I have felt sick and unable to sleep for months. I was bullied relentlessly (by a technical lead who considered me a threat to her authority) and a case was built to show that my performance was not good (I never had performance issues either in school or in previous ten years of working). I went way above in the management chain and proved how toxic the situation was for me. That manager did some background checks about me and understood what was going on and stopped the firing process and placed me in a different team. If I had not gone to very high level manager, I would be fired from that job. So, please don’t feel alone in this. There are many many people who have been targeted, bullied and eventually fired when they did nothing wrong. So, keep your chin up.
Also, next time, if you feel you are being bullied, start looking for a different job immediately. I felt something was not right three months into the job. I continued in that job because I didn’t want to look like a job hopper. That was a bad decision on my part. I left that job in a year, but went through so much suffering and lost the time which I could have spent somewhere else building my career.
Anon
This is a gorgeous dress!
For those of you who have television components like a DVR and a sound bar, what kind of cabinet do you keep them in? I currently have a cabinet that is fairly open but the components get really dusty. I have a DVR, a DVD player that I can probably get rid of, and a sound bar. The TV is on the wall.
Anon
Mine are open. They get dusted once a month by my housekeeper. Do you need a new AC filter maybe? That can help the dust in general.
MomOfAHappyOldBeagle
We’ve mounted the sound bar to the top of the TV (may not work depending on the size of your TV, it needs to be big enough to support the size/weight and you need a very robust mounting rig for the TV) and put the cable box and internet router on a floating shelf mounted to the wall under the TV (fairly close so you can barely see the wires.) It looks pretty clean.
NOLA
I have an armoire with the kind of doors that fold into the sides (so they don’t take up space on the sides in the room) and I really like that it closes and you would never know that I have a TV in the room unless it’s open. OTOH, I’ve had it forever, so it is too deep – made for the old TVs. I would totally buy one like it, but wider and less deep. I’ve thought about getting a console table for storage and components and putting the TV on top, but it would make the TV much more prominent in the room.
BB
I cannot say enough good things about BDI media cabinets. We have a low, wide one with our TV sitting on top. It has slatted doors so you don’t have to totally see what’s in there, but everything works (cable box, XBox, wireless router…lots of things fit in there). It’s well made and well designed too with a sliding back panels and holes for cords.
Jane
DH and I are going to Thailand in August for 10 days(we’re aware it’ll be super hot and humid but due to a long story that’s the time we’re going). Looking for ideas and experiences from anyone who has tacked on another country to their trip and recommends that? Also open to specific hotels/ resorts recommendations. We’ve both been to the country before, and want to avoid typical touristy stuff. TIA!
Anonymous
We did Thailand, Hong Kong and Vietnam – I would love to go back to Vietnam and highly recommend!
Anon
If you’re going to tack on another country just make sure you have the Visa situation covered. Some countries require them while some don’t. Per above example, Vietnam will require a Visa while Hong Kong will not (assuming you’re using a US passport)
Idea
If it’s so hot on the beaches, definitely spend time in the mountains! Love the Golden Triangle area.
VietNam certainly looks wonderful and can be amazing – if you’re into backpacking consider Laos (though I don’t know much about any current situations there).
Rainbow Hair
I loved visiting Laos. Plain of Jars was really something, and Luang Prabang was just so chill and pleasant, and the sky in Vientiane was the biggest I’ve ever seen. That being said, all the getting-around was a lot more complicated than in Vietnam (trains were easy in Vietnam, but we had to use busses and planes and complicated van services to get around Laos)… and all together, Vietnam was a more pleasant vacation. Hoi An is romantic, Hanoi is just the freakin’ best, and you can take the train sort of along the coast to get between them (and stop at Hue too! and go all the way down to Saigon?!) … Is Cambodia an option? It’s pretty well traveled from Bangkok to Siem Reap, so that would be an easy add on. I know you said nothing too touristy, but like… don’t miss Angkor because it’s touristy!
I’m jealous of your trip.
Hopeful partner
I’m in the right range experience-wise to make partner at may small-medium sized firm in a small city. I need to submit a business plan to the Powers that Be at the firm to be formally considered, and my firm lacks a form or really any guidance at all on what needs to go in this. As I start to put something together, I also realize (which I guess is the goal) that I don’t have a great plan for getting my own business and keeping my own revenue stream without getting trickle down work from the partners. I’m in litigation, so it’s hard to market. Are there any books out there or website or other general advice that you’ve found helpful in making this leap.
PS I also will have to be announcing in my business plan I submit that I’ll be taking maternity leave at the end of the year, which will come as a huge surprise, and also will likely require a more stretched-out timeline for partnership than I was originally planning.
Anonymous
Why? Maternity leave should not be in your business plan. Just don’t put it in. Sure you’ll need to tell them but not in your formal written business plan.
No
Yes absolutely do not do this. You’ll need to tell them but definitely not in your business plan. Frankly you don’t have to concede that it will stretch your partnership timeline. Force them to decide that, not you.
Anon
This. This announcement does not belong in your business plan. Your business plan/revenue projections should reflect this separate and distinct (and already socialized) announcement.
Hopeful partner
I disagree. The plan needs to include a revenue projection, and missing 2 months or so of revenue is going to require some explanation.
mascot
Some of this depends on timing of the partnership decision and the effective date. Are you up for partner at the end of this year? Is it further out? Write your plan as if it was a normal year. Look at your revenue trends over the past 3 or so years. While hopefully they are staying constant or even edging upwards, there are probably already some months that are more profitable than others. If you have been able to front some hours during the first half of the year, that takes some pressure off the end of the year, even if the overall number is a bit lower.
Ms B
A decent firm will impute hours and revenue to you.
Mine was not decent, but YMMV and you should approach your parenting processes with that explicit expectation. Make them tell you that they are going to be punitive.
Anonymous
I’ve never heard of a firm imputing revenue to a partner. I consider mine “decent” and they will impute hours, but dollars in the door – to a partner – are just different.
MBA
Consider getting help from an MBA or entrepreneur-coach friend or businessperson. Is this a common request? Is it your own personal business plan or for the firm? I’m not sure I understand…. are there written guidelines or policies, at least?
Ms B
For a broad outline, I send my juniors here: https://www.larrybodine.com/articles.asp?Action=GetOneArticle&ArticleID=86
The PA bar’s sample has good structure and is particularly helpful in breaking down the various components of marketing (e.g. hard, soft, networking, internal, etc.): http://www.pabar.org/Public/LPM/Resources/R08/Other%20Resources/Sample%20Business%20and%20Marketing%20Plan%20Worksheet.pdf
I particularly like this ICLE process for its niche marketing advice (I am definitely in a niche practice and can verify the benefits of that approach): https://www.icle.org/modules/howtokits/how-to-kit.aspx?kit=2013TK2147&lib=law-practice&from=AWOP
FWIW, I agree that your maternity leave has no place in a current plan, but I am of the hold off as long as physically possible school of parenting disclosure. That said, I do find that parenting has expanded my circle and marketing options. Mom entrepreneur groups are awesome!
Anonymous
A rainmaker partner at my firm recommended Lateral Link’s rainmaker series with Cordell Parvin (which is free). Last month’s webinar provided a sample business plan. And actually, I just looked up the speaker’s blog and he has a brand new post about how to create a business plan.
Agree with the others that mat leave does not go on the business plan. You just won’t have events/goals scheduled for that time and you can explain in person why.
Anonymous
I did the Cordell Parvin course. I find him to be a pompous hack and I would not waste money with that, but copying his or the form of someone else on the internet is not a terrible idea.
Best idea though is to ask someone else at your firm to share their plan and see what it looks like. Specifically another litigator.
Anonymous
The course is free, so no wasting of money.
Hi Hi Hi
Your male colleagues are not wasting any time on family planning on their business plans.
On a serious note, FWIW, I am a recent equity partner in biglaw and I reviewed at least five of others’ recent plans/memos in connection with preparing my own. None mentioned family planning.
Hopeful partner
The point is more that I had expected to make partner first of next year, and I’m having a baby in December. It’s a reality I can’t just brush by, and will have to be reflected in my projections for next year. No, men don’t have to deal with it, but that injustice doesn’t change my reality. Sometimes kids are inconvenient.
Pink
I know this isn’t a running board but I trust your opinions. I’m looking for minimalist shoes to wear on the weekends, (not necessarily to run in). I don’t want to go barefoot b/c 1) it’s hot and 2) everything outside bites. Should I just get Chucks or would Merrells be worth a try? Also, I’m realizing I prefer athletic shorts with a longer inseam than Lulu’s run swiftlys that I normally wear all weekend. I don’t want anything tight fitting – they should be more flowy than actual biking shorts. Suggestions for alternatives appreciated.
Anon
I still love Nike Tempo running shorts. The ones I got this year are all black so the shape is the same that I’ve loved forever but they don’t have the white piping that makes them stand out as Tempos.
For weekend shoes, I tend towards low key: running shoes (usually my old ones vs the ones I currently wear for running), Havaianas flip flops, Chaccos (I really want to ditch them for something lighter weight that has the arch in the right place but I’m on budget lock down at the moment), and my new Kiki Sandal by Cocobelle (LOVE these!). I find Chucks annoyingly heavy and unsupportive and didn’t love Merrells last time I tried them, but YMMV.
Anon
https://xeroshoes.com/ including DIY minimalist and running sandals :)
anon
I found some Adidas running shorts that have a slightly longer inseam. I have the ‘Run It’ and ‘Marathon 20’ styles in the 4″ inseam option. I wear a size large, and I think they’re more like 4.5 inches. As a taller woman, I find that my Adidas shorts ride up MUCH less than the Nike Tempos I used to wear. I can’t wear those anymore without being really uncomfortable.
anon.
I *love* these linen shorts I got from Athleta last year with an elastic waist. They seem to have similar ones this year. They have pockets big enough to stow a phone and keys in (for me, key for playgrounds). Obviously not a running short, but fit your qualifications if you just need some kicking around clothes. I put them on almost every night when I get home from work, because it’s already almost 100 here every day.
CountC
I really like the Merrell Trail Glove. I used to run in them and had to upgrade to more cushion, but I wear them around for errands and such!
Anon
These are my current favorite running shorts– https://www.brooksrunning.com/en_us/womens-go-to-5-shorts/221202.html. They are the Brooks Go-To 5″ Shorts. Normally, you can find them on Amazon. They have a zipper pocket and a drawstring waist. I have found that they actually stay down during a run and don’t really ride up. I have bigger hips and thighs and find that shorter running shorts don’t really provide me as much coverage as they seem to on other people.
I would try the Merrell Trail Glove. I really liked mine but was never able to run more than a mile in them. I currently run in the Saucony Women’s Freedom Shoe– which is a step up from a super minimalist shoe but definitely has less cushioning than what I was using before.
Anonymous
What about the New Balance Minimus? Bonus is you can actually run in them if you want. Or, like me, jog with a toddler and stroller to your local splash pad.
Shorts – a bit spendy but Oiselle makes long Rogas with a back zip pocket, you can often find them on Amazon.
CountC
I also like the NB Minimus!
NB 1080
I have something called New Balance 1080 and love them in black & white. Run in them about once a week (like my current Saucony pair better for running) but LOVE them for knocking around/errands. They have the tiniest wedge that is super flattering to legs.
Anonymous
I have some Native shoes for the weekend that I totally love.
https://www.nativeshoes.com/mercury-2-0-liteknit/211069191109.html
I have them in black and would consider another color.
Anonymous
Not comfortable asking couples I know IRL this question… how much do you and your SO/spouse/partner generally spend on a 1 week vacation all in? Due to a variety of reasons I never really traveled as an adult until recent years and my DH firmly thinks that a vacation for the 2 of us for 1 week should cost no more than $3k. We have had some great trips to Mexico all inclusive resorts with that budget, but it doesn’t really work for basically any other trip. I’m not trying to travel in high luxury but there are a lot of places I’d like to explore.
aBr
We normally average 1k per day (e.g., 3 day vacation = 3,000) for both of us. Sometimes more, sometimes less, but generally in that ballpark if we are doing a proper vacation as opposed to a weekend trip.
AFT
Similar for “big” vacations – either international, longer vacations for two, or fancier international resort vacations for the whole family. Less for long weekend/domestic
Anonymous
So, on $3000 for a week, I’d be looking at thirds. $1000 travel, $1000 lodging, $1000 food. Which is for me right but doable. As an example, from NYC I’d think about Montreal and Quebec- entirely possible to do travel for $500 each. Then a hotel at $135 a night, and no more than $150 a day on meals and other.
I’ve done a lot of travel on that budget and loved it.
That being said, I now make 160k a year, and I’m more likely to spend 3k per person on a trip. That gets me basically a flight anywhere, a nice but not ultra luxury hotel, enough money to do anything I want in terms of attractions, and the ability to eat out, but again not at the very fanciest places.
Anon
I disagree – your food should cost way less than your lodging and travel. In most of Europe, it’s possible to eat well for $25-50/day. Your lodging will cost a lot more, unless you’re willing to stay in hostels or the like.
Anonymous
Excuse you? This is literally how I would do and have done it. And the $150 is food and anything else including attractions, tickets, etc.
Anon
No need to be rude, I’m just saying I personally spend way less on food than lodging, as do most people I know. A decently clean hotel in any major city is going to be $200+/day. There’s really no need to spend anywhere near that much on food, unless you want to dine at Michelin-starred restaurants. In which case, you do you! But most people on a tight budget are not partaking in a lot of fine dining.
Anonymous
Ok. I’m just reacting to you telling me how much I “should” spend. Certainly, lots of different ways to travel that work for different people.
Idea
I am the opposite – I would sleep in a fleabag and then all the monies on food!
Like you said, you do you.
Naomi Desai
I’m 25 so my opinion might not be great but my SO and I typically do ~10 days at 2K Canadian each although this year it’ll be about 3K CAD because we’re going to a more expensive destination (Maui). We scrimp on accommodation (private room shared bathroom AirBNB type places, sometimes a bit nicer depending on the local market, sometimes I use hotel points and we stay somewhere really nice) or take cabs. We are moderate spenders on food and activities (no intense fine dining in most places but we will occasionally do this, like a good cocktail bar etc.) and I’ll never miss an activity I want to do due to cost (guided tours, wine tasting etc.). We will spend money to get good flight schedules (optimize vacation days, direct or short layover) but not on preferred airlines or premium economy or anything like that. We’ve done Newfoundland, Sumatra Indonesia and Eastern Europe (Czech Republic, VIenna, Slovenia). I travel even more cheaply with friends (hostels if common in local market, BNB type places if not) and have done trips to Portugal and Iceland (in winter though) for even less. I think this is a very doable per person budget in American dollars (assuming you’re in a major city) if you 1) don’t rent a car 2) go where you get a reasonable flight deal.
Anon
It varies a lot. A 1 week trip to Europe is typically about $5k ($1k/person for flights and about $400/day for hotel/activities/food). We usually stay in fairly modest hotels in Europe, because we want to get out and see the city. We usually spend about $5-7k for a week in the Caribbean, because at the beach we like to splurge on nicer hotels and activities cost more (we like to do snorkeling tours and stuff like that). The most we ever spent on a one week trip was about $13k for French Polynesia – we stayed in the overwater bungalows which are really expensive, we were locked into specific dates and had to overpay for our flights – I think they were over $2000 each – and food is really expensive there too.
Caveat that DH is a teacher, so we’re limited to winter/spring/summer break, which is a more expensive time to travel. $3k is tight and will really limit what you can do, in my experience, but you might be able to find some deals by going off-season.
Anon
We are both government employees so not high income. We spend 6k – 11k on one trip and one trip only per year. The rest of our expenses are low (very LCOL area) and we place a high priority on that one vacation. We do some fairly luxurious all inclusive in Mexico and somewhat less luxurious but still nice trips to International Big Cities. With that said, we know people with considerably more wealth and disposable income than we have that won’t spend for anything more than Best Western or Motel 6. I guess it’s a matter of financial priorities and financial comfort levels.
Ash.
When I was a poor starving law student, we spent about $5,000 total on a 10 day overseas trip (a cruise). Now with 2 kids we easily spend $3,000 on just a domestic long weekend (airfare + hotel + rental car adds up quick). I don’t think there’s really a “right” answer, only what’s right for y’all.
Abby
I think that’s do-able, but only if you can find reasonable flights. If you are open to airbnbs, I think you can cut costs. My budget for Spain and Croatia was $60 a night for us both, BUT Spain required hostels (we were 22 so it was ok for us). We recently went to Costa Rica and spent about $2000 a person, but it could’ve been done for less, and still be enjoyable. I think you should plan a trip together and see if he’ll be more flexible with his budget. I’m the saver in the relationship, but when we found a really nice airbnb that cost more than I had wanted to spend, the pool helped me decide that it was worth it. There are a lot of areas to cut costs when traveling, instead of having a black and white line, maybe you can both discuss what’s a priority when planning? Picking cheaper countries is also a great way to start, Central America has cheap flights and is very affordable once there, the less popular European countries will have free or low admission rates, etc.
Veronica Mars
My husband and I will be spending about $5k on a week-long anniversary trip, and I think that’ll be about the range for us. That includes dog boarding while we’re gone ($250), hotel ($2,100), tours and activities ($450), and a $300/per day budget for food ($2,100). We’re driving there, although our costs were similar (but plus flights) for another week-long vacation we took last winter. Because my husband has limited time off, we can only plan one big trip per year. We also like staying at 4 and 5 star hotels, which contributes hugely to the cost (although I’m good at finding off-peak and discounted deals–our winter hotel I booked at full price, and used their “price guarantee plus 10% off” to get the room 65% off in the weeks leading up to the vacation when the price dropped).
anon a mouse
So much is dependent on where you live and whether there are budget airfares from your city. (Or, whether there are budget airfares to your destination.)
We are on track to spend about $5.5-6K on a 10-day mountain vacation this year for DH, kid, and me. That includes airfare to a small town, rental car, mid-range lodging, meals, and 2 excursions (horseback riding). We’ll likely eat 1-2 meals from groceries each day but eat out the rest.
FWIW, we decided that we’d rather do a big trip like this every other year and prioritize the destination than take smaller trips ever year. We still do weekend getaways on the off-years, plus fly to family, but our big vacation isn’t an annual thing yet. Maybe when daycare ends….
Anonymous
I’d say with average 3-5K for a week but traveling from a smaller airport so our airfare costs are typically higher. AirBnBs are a great way to keep costs down both domestically and internationally. Go to a local farmer’s market, try new recipes, eat out a couple times and your food costs will be fairly low.
We love to travel so it’s a priority budget item for us vs. something like driving a nice car. There’s lots of ways to make it work – being more flexible on budget for special trips and using points/sales/AirBnBs for other trips.
Anon
It’s definitely possible, although you’ll have to plan it out more carefully. I’ve stayed in that range of budget for 10-day vacations to Europe. Here’s how:
Wait for cheap flights (500-600 range in the shoulder and off peak season). I honestly see fares that have dropped below 300. Travel to cheaper places and stay at modest hotels. I sometimes splurge but the normal range is 100 to 150/night. This has been possible in cities like Madrid, Seville, Paris, etc. Food and drinks are incredibly cheap in Spain. We ate very well for very little. On our last trip we were even able to add in food tours and spa days because the overall cost of our trip was so cheap.
Original Moonstone
I am cheap and I like to travel. Saying a trip should cost $3000 dollars is kind of like saying a house should cost $200,000. Maybe, but there are a lot of variables. But I do think a couple should have budgeted for a trip in advance so there are no bad feelings during what should be a fun time.
Do you have a destination in mind? An easy way to get an estimated total is to set aside the transportation costs to start and start to talk about what kind of places you want to say (camping or fancy hotels?); then how often you want to eat out (picnics or gourmet dinners? three meals a day or hotel breakfast and nice dinner?); then activities at the destination (biking through state park or 20-euro admission fees to wonderful museums?). Once you have an estimate for those items, you add in transportation because maybe plane tickets to Europe at $1200 apiece from your city, or maybe you get a $500 cheap fare.
To actually answer your question, last year the two of us took a weeklong driving trip that cost about $2300, staying in Hampton-Inn type hotels in a resorty (expensive) area. We also took a weeklong trip to Amsterdam that cost about $3700. The difference was transportation costs –tickets to Amsterdam were about $800 each, while the gas cost was only about $200 for the driving trip.
Anon
We spend a week in Cape Cod for about $1500 total (two adults). $900 for the VRBO, $400 to drive there, and about $200 on random things like ice cream and whale watching tours. The place we rent has a kitchen so we just buy groceries and cook. Works for us but we like simple.
Another anon
Similar to another poster above, I think of expenses in three buckets: transportation (airfare/rental car), lodging (hotel, Airbnb, staying with friends), and food. Flights and hotels are the biggest costs, so if you can keep those down, that will be how you stay under $3k.
My husband and I travel a ton (internationally 2-3x/year and US weekend/shorter trips 12x/year). We have $500k HHI, no kids, and lots of vacation time, so it works best for us to prioritize frequent travel over luxury travel. Our trips tend to revolve around going to visit people and/or wander around Europe, so I find we don’t need to spend that much money in order to have a good time. It’s not that we’re frugal, but we tend to focus our spending on the things we’re most interested in (good food, spending time with friends/family we’re visiting, non-stop flights with good itineraries). We schedule trips around flight deals, we stay in Airbnbs or with family/friends that we’re visiting, and we eat very well but don’t tend to go for the multi-course tasting menus.
For international trips, we typically spend $500-1000 per person on airfare. We’ll generally wait for a good deal to pop up on Scott’s Cheap Flights or we’ll use points. It’s rare that we pay more than $800 per flight. We vacation a lot in Europe and generally don’t bother renting a car and just use trains/public transportation to get around.
For lodging, we do a combo of Airbnb and sometimes staying with people that we’re visiting. Airbnbs are typically $150/night and then we have access to laundry and a fridge. We’ll usually only stay in a hotel if it’s a one night stay where we’re getting in late or leaving really early and then we’ll either stay somewhere cheap or use points.
We do spend a good amount on food — up to $100/person/day in western Europe. Most of our spending is on dinner. We don’t really eat breakfast but we’ll get some coffee, then eat a casual lunch, a snack in the afternoon, then a nice dinner with wine.
In terms of tickets/events/tours, we’re not big into tours, so most of our spending is $10-20 entry fees to historical sights.
We also do a lot of US trips to visit friends and family. For those trips, the flights are cheaper, we tend to stay with the people we’re visiting, and the food costs are less as well.
Anonymous
It really depends where you want to go, where you live, and your tolerance for inconvenience/discomfort. Like, I have a friend who works in nonprofit and travels to Paris all the time. She travels 2+ hours each way to a cheaper airport (either by bus or she drives to a cheap lot and takes a bus to the airport), has 2-3 layovers, only flies mid-week, and is super flexible on the length of her trip (sometimes 2-3 days, sometimes 8 days). She also stays in hostels and has never had a private room. If you’re trying to take a calendar week off work and you don’t want to deal with a long layover, you’re not going to fly to Europe for $200 or whatever crazy fare your friends say they got. If you want a private room and bathroom, you’re not going to pay $20/night for accommodations. There’s certainly nothing wrong with traveling that way, but maybe before you start talking about budget, you and DH talk about your top 3 must-haves and 3 (or more?) will-not-tolerates.
Anon
We typically do Europe for 10-14 days for about $5K total. We stay in smaller, older hotels (that are generally charming), eat a fair amount of bakery/grocery store/street food type of stuff, and shop forever to get good deals on flights. We spend more on excursions and experiences.My POV is that a bed is a bed and I’d rather save money on the hotel side since that can add up SO quickly for a very marginal improvement in the experience. I’m there to walk around Europe, not hang out in the hotel.
Anonymous
I don’t have an SO, but I recently took a semi last minute one week vacation to Seoul, South Korea and it would have been like $4k if I didn’t cash in credit card points on the flight. So much depends on when you get your flight and what flights are available.
The flight I decided to take was $1300 face value on Korean airlines. There aren’t that many flights into Korea from where I live and they arrive at either 5am or 5pm, seemingly no middle, so I went for a 5pm one since it didn’t involve beating it to the airport after an exhausting day at the office. I cheaped the heck out on a homestay type Airbnb, but don’t feel like I missed out. The room was so cozy for one and the host cooked some breakfasts. It was $35/day. Otherwise, I would say I spent $1100 in country all told, which didn’t break down evenly. Some days walking around by myself I probably spent no more than $30 USD, and the days where I shopped or had older fancy friends invite me to dinner it was closer to $100-120 USD. I got my flight for $100 out of pocket after credit card points so I basically let myself spend as much as I want to, but if I paid for the flight I would still enjoy myself on a more modest $50 USD a day and skip some shopping or dinners.
For perspective, last year I also went to Japan for 10 days in April. The flight was much cheaper at $700/person, we spent probably $50/night on airbnbs (1 was 90/night for 4 nights, another was about 30 a night), and we weren’t big shoppers or partiers so we stuck to about $10/meal, with some meals skipped and maybe one fancy one at $30/person. The total worked out to $2000/person for 10 days.
Anon
Wow, Japan on $200/day including flights is really impressive.
Anon
Haha ikr. Whenever I go to Japan I always spend big bucks on the JR pass for shinkansen travels, on onsen ryokan stays, and on random shopping (sooo much random shopping to be done in Japan).
Anonymous
Anon @12:50 here : What can I say, I went with a friend who was cheap AF but we still had fun. We basically got the cheapest acceptable Airbnbs, at nothing or onigiri for most breakfasts ($1-3 dollars), and walked around the city day in and day out to the tune of like 25,000 steps minimum. I think we hiked all the way up Fushimi Inari and back down one night at 7pm after having walked around Kyoto all day, then walked/bussed home. I bought no souvenirs and once ate half a pack of kit kats at night for dinner because we kept having poor planning as to the dinner times.
It was fun, memorable, but also miserly :P
In contrast, in Seoul we went to a Michelin star restaurant, I bought more makeup than I could carry, and did plenty of extra Airbnb experiences like kayaking and makeup classes.
Anon
When is a good time to announce a pregnancy to a manager?
I have a performance review right at the end of my first trimester, and will be one of the few times I see my boss in person (we work in different offices). My inclination is to mention it after the review is over but when we are still meeting, but am open to suggestions.
Anon
I think that’s a good plan.
Anon
In my office, that would be weird because most of the performance review is discussing plans for the next year and desired goals of trainings and skills to master in the next year. It is really more forward looking than backward looking, unless there is a performance issue. So, a manager would probably have a knee-jerk reaction of “we just spent all this time discussing how you can grow over the next year and how to get you those opportunities, and know you are telling me that you are going to be gone half that time, which totally changes the plan.”
For my office, in which I get the written review about 2 weeks before the meeting and assuming the written review was good, I would probably tell my boss about a week before the oral review (assuming that is otherwise a point at which I’m comfortable sharing the news.). If I wasn’t comfortable sharing a week before the review, I would probably wait until 2 weeks after even knowing that all the people in my office could probably already tell by than.
If the reviews in your office are more backwards looking, this advice is completely irrelevant and can be ignored.
Anon
But maternity leave is a forward-looking thing that’s going to affect some part of the next year? Having a baby doesn’t mean you’ll be gone half the year or you’ll be opting out of professional development in the next year, but it will be happening in the next year and it makes sense to me to include it as part of the planning for the next year.
Anon
Maternity leave at my office is 5 months, so it does basically mean that you are gone half the year. And many conferences and other professional development opportunities are seasonal, so, for example, I can’t try to do X at our big annual conference if it is scheduled for 2 weeks after my due date.
Maternity leave is an element that impacts the plan for the next year and should ideally be discussed. But if you are not comfortable telling yet, if for example you are waiting for test results, I don’t think that is a strong enough reason to tell before you are ready to do so.
Anon
OP here. My company offers 3 months of leave, and there are no conferences during my maternity leave.
Anon
I appreciate this, but my boss works hundreds of miles away. I can’t just pop into the office and have a chat about maternity leave.
DCR
There is no need to tell your boss in person. I assume that you have phone conversations with him, right? Tell him that way.
Not quite the same thing, but my boss at my last job didn’t work in my office either. When I quit, I told him over the phone because that is how basically all of our conversations took place.
Anon
Huh? That’s a super weird way to look at it. This is the *perfect* time for OP to tell her manager, especially given the constraints on face-to-face time.
Anon
I agree the review might not be the optimal time to tell if she could tell him in person next week, but she can’t. I’d find it very very odd if I had a meeting with a direct report I see very rarely and then a week or two later she emailed or pregnant to tell me she was pregnant. I would assume good intentions and tell myself she had a medical reason she wasn’t ready to disclose the pregnancy at the review, but given that OP is ready to tell, it really makes no sense to me to wait.
Anon
For a boss that you see in person only a handful of times a year, I just don’t see the benefit to telling him in person. They have built their relationship via phone calls and emails, and I think this news can be shared via a phone call given that they do see each other in person so rarely.
If the review is backward looking, I agree with telling at the end of the review.
But if it is forward looking, telling at the end of the review likely to, at least in my office, mean that part of the meeting was pointless because it didn’t account for maternity leave. And telling at the beginning of the meeting means that my boss has no time to plan or think about what opportunities would still be available to me and what goals we should have, since I would be out or not traveling for over half the year. Which is why I suggested telling a week before the meeting, so the boss has time to factor that in to the plan for next year.
Anon
Again, the fact that your office offers 6+ months of maternity leave doesn’t mean that everyone’s does. 9 months versus 12 months isn’t that big of a deal. Frankly, if my professional development were going to be that derailed by 12 weeks off, I need a lawyer, not a pre-performance review discussion with my boss.
Anon
Ok, you keep making these suggestions based on how reviews work at your office, but I just don’t think that’s a universal truth. It’s certainly not how they work in my office.
Anon
+1 million to Anon at 12:43. My mat leave was 12 weeks (which is, sadly, generous for the US) and didn’t derail my year at all – I still traveled for work that year, presented at a major conference, did several ‘next level’ tasks that I hadn’t done before, etc. I also did some professional development stuff remotely while on mat leave, although I realize not everyone wants to/is allowed to do that.
But even assuming this mat leave is 6 months and is going to really derail the year, isn’t it way worse to tell a week later then? If you tell at the end of the review, you and boss at least have some chance to talk about it and replan your year, knowing that you’ll be out for a large chunk of it. Usually in the week following the review, the plans will go to higher ups and be signed off on and formalized and I’d think the boss would be WAY more frustrated if you tell them a week later and you have to undo all that. I can see an argument for telling before the review, but telling one week after seems way worse to me than telling immediately after.
Anon
I’m not the OP but I interpreted “tell after the review” to mean tell after the boss has delivered the actual performance evaluation, and concurrently with the professional development planning and discussion about the future. I don’t think OP meant that she would sit there for 30 minutes talking to her boss, make all these plans, stand up, say goodbye, and say “Oh, btw, I’m pregnant!” as she’s walking out the door. If the pregnancy is disclosed before the the end of the review meeting, they will have time to discuss it and work the maternity leave into any plans that are being made.
And I agree that 9 months vs 12 is really not a big deal as far as planning for the next year goes.
nuqotw
Help me get through the day. My get-home-in-time-for-normal-sleep flight (for work travel) was canceled yesterday and I got home at 1 AM instead of 7 PM. Coffee isn’t helping. Now what?
Anonymous
Coming from someone who regularly has trouble sleeping, here are some things that help me.
– Drink lots of ice cold water. I feel like the cold helps me stay awake, plus regular trips to the bathroom from all the fluid.
– Chew gum.
– Take a brisk, short walk.
– Don’t eat anything too heavy that would otherwise make you sleepy under normal circumstances.
– Give yourself a break if you can. Today may not be the day you accomplish everything on your list. That’s okay.
Anon
It’s one day. You’ll be fine.
Rainbow Hair
Not to be everyone’s mom, but “if you don’t have anything nice to say…” why make this comment? Clearly she doesn’t think she’ll actually die — she’s venting and looking for commiseration and/or advice.
Anonymous
I’m feeling really blah about my body as the weather gets hot. I’ve got a great pair of jeans I’m confident in but now it’s way too hot. Shorts are a struggle, I hate it when they ride up. Skirts seem to highlight my lack of waist. And finding a casual grab and go jersey dress that shows a little boob but otherwise skims the body is just not working out. Any tips? Looking for size 16 options.
Anon
I hear you. I find dresses 1000x more comfortable and flattering than shorts or skirts… What’s working for me are midi and maxi dresses in flowy fabrics (silk, poly, viscose) that have a drawstring/tie waist, this way I can control the waist definition (can wear it shift style or cinched). Loving all the pretty floral prints available this year. Great thing also is that some of these dresses can transition into fall with tights and boots.
CHL
I just got some Point Sur wide leg crops from J.Crew. Not normally something I would have considered but I bought on a whim and I really like them. Cool as shorts but more coverage and not…flattering…but an interesting shape.
Anon
Skorts? Look at Athleta, lands end etc.
Rainbow Hair
Possibly counterintuitive, but I am similarly sized and like my shorts SHORT. Then there’s nothing there to ride up!
What about an empire waist sundress? Old Navy has lots of midi-length options. That’s my go-to on weekends, with some skimmy type shorts underneath.
P.S. Remember that your body is awesome, and try to surround yourself with media that shows beautiful women who look like you (and who look a lot of different ways … there are so many ways to be beautiful!) — curate your instagram feed etc! It really does help.
Anon
I haven’t tried the brand myself yet, but I’ve been hearing great things about Universal Standard, which has lots of size 16 options! They have a store in NYC and are also available online.
Anonymous
What pair of jeans do you love? I just got a maxi at lands end that I really like (16p) and pull out my Karen Kane cascade dress for stuff too. Wit & wisdom shorts make me happy, too. Everlane had a dress last year (crepe?) that had a deep V that was sexy.
Anon
I’m posting this here because I’m hoping for feedback from people with children and without. Travelling yesterday from Phoenix to Philly, I was in a middle seat between two men on a full flight that arrived at 11pm. There were children on the flight, including two toddler boys travelling with their mother. While we were waiting to pull into the gate, both kids were crying/noisy and the mother was trying to calm them down. The man seated to my right loudly stated that he understands babies crying, but if it was his 4 year old, he would beat him if the child didn’t behave. Then he said it again. Yup, pretty sure everyone around us — including the mother — heard him.
I said to him that raising children is difficult, and that people do the best they can. He said his daughter travelled with his granddaughters last week and they behaved fine, according to his wife who travelled with them. I told him that, as a parent, I know that kids can be brought up right but upset and frustrated at having to sit for 5 hours late a night. That it’s hard to be a parent. he agreed, and didn’t say more about it.
Then I got him talking about why he was travelling to Philly. It seems he was frustrated at the flight he was booked on (not his preferred airline) and worried about meeting his co-workers.
What do you do, when someone says something just flat out inappropriate clearly meant to be heard by everyone?
I didn’t want to get into an argument with him, but I also feel a little pissed that I didn’t directly call him out on his obnoxious and pretty vile comment about beating kids as a form of parenting.
Anonymous
I’m not interested in picking a fight on a plane. I’d put my headphones on and ignore him, or if he kept going say something like “hey I know the kids are annoying, but the yelling isn’t going to help.” Like, in no way do I feel any responsibility to call him out about his opinion on parenting practices.
Anon
I mean, this guy is an ignorant a-hole, but there are a lot of them out there and I don’t think getting into a fight with him would accomplish anything. I probably would have said something to the mom like “Ignore that jerk, you’re a great mom.” Fwiw, I have one toddler and fly a lot with her. One smile or kind word of encouragement goes a long way to outweigh the dirty looks and eyerolls from other people when they see me and my kid boarding the plane.
Anonymous
This. I would give the mom a smile and encouraging words and avoid direct confrontation with the jerk.
Anon
You… don’t do anything? You don’t get to police everyone’s words everywhere you go. Seeing someone actually harm a child is completely different… listening to some blowhard make annoying comments about it is not the same. You handled it fine. You say you didn’t want to get into an argument with him… but I think you did get into an argument with him. You’re pissed that you didn’t call him out… but you pretty clearly did. That’s all you can (and should) do (if even that).
Anonymous
Agreed 100%
anon
Yup, don’t engage.
Anon
+1 to all of this
Frankly, I’d put my headphones on and ignore the whole thing.
Vicky Austin
I think you were braver and also more polite than I would have been in this situation. You got him to shut up and stop making vague threats to four-year-olds (!) and on top of that, you did it calmly, politely and conversationally. You deserve a dang medal.
MomAnon4This
Seriously, you did everything right. Can you be on my next flight with kids, please?
Anon
You did great! As a mom, I’d have appreciated your defense (and then redirecting him). If it it makes you feel any better, I don’t think anything more direct would have helped the kids. You supported the mom and distracted the jerk—a more direct calling him out could have escalated into something worse.
If you had a chance to catch the mom later, not around the jerk, in that position, I’d welcome something along the lines of “you did great, I’m sorry we had a grown person behaving badly on our flight.”
Anonymous
Honestly, small confined spaces are not where I’d call out a stranger. Sometimes, cornered people attack, esp if they have been drinking. Especially if you do it in a way that gives them no way to save face (like it or not, having an opportunity to save face often gives a person a non-violent exit from something that could escalate).
It is not our job to fix people. It is to have a safe flight with no altercations or police meeting you at the gate.
Do not cut that which can be untied.
Anonymous
As a mom of three kids who travels a lot, you did good. Thanks for saying something.
After I got off a transatlantic flight with twin 9 months olds and a 3 year old, an older lady told me that the kids were well behaved and I did well with them. I regret that I didn’t hug her. I still think about her years later. I’m sure the mom on your flight will remember you fondly.
Mpls
Calling him out would have just put him on the defensive (and you would still have to sit next to him). I like your approach – calming pointing out a counter-argument.
You wouldn’t have changed his mind by berating him for saying something horrible. Instead you gave him the chance to try to be empathetic towards the mother. Change is more likely to happen with baby steps and small conversations than big gestures.
anon.
I think you handled it really well. My (attempt to be disarming comment) in this type of situation is just “I choose to think everyone is doing the best they can.” Then shut it down. Because truthfully you have to sit by this guy for awhile and flying in general is stressful for everyone (4 year olds and adult men). By saying it that way, you’re subtly reminding him to STFU and control himself the way the four year old can’t.
nuqotw
You were pretty on top of it! In these situations I’m always thinking that the difference between this guy and the noisy kid is that it’s only age-appropriate for one of them to be loud about not getting his/her way, but I never have the courage to say it to the adult tantrum-thrower.
AnonZ
If you feel compelled to speak up, I think the kindest and wisest thing to do is direct your comment or support to the person negatively impacted by the comments. Getting in an argument or debate with someone is unlikely to change their mind and could make the affected person feel more uncomfortable. (“Oh great, now TWO strangers are shouting at each other about my parenting…”)
Also, jerks and blowhards love attention, and by directing the attention they were hoping for to another person, they don’t get validation for their dumb behavior.
Anonymous
+1 I was on a bus the other day when some jerk made a loud, negative comment about another rider’s hijab. I made eye contact with her and said “I’m so sorry you had to hear that. I think your hijab is lovely.” I wish I could have thought of something better than that (because I appreciate that the value of a hijab is not simply to look nice), but my intention was to counterbalance the public negative comment with a public positive comment.
Anonymous
You sound annoying, sorry. I would’ve slightly smiled and nodded in agreement with him and kept my mouth shut. I don’t need to be convincing a grown stranger regarding parenting. Nor do I need to be granting mother of the year an award over there — flying with 2 toddlers that she can’t keep quiet for the 10 more min it takes to get off a plane? People have been dealing with her kids for 5 hours, no one wants to hear them in the last 10 min and it makes no difference to me how hard she’s trying.
Anon
You sound lovely.
Anonymous
Say that again to your mother.
Vicky Austin
+1. Wow, 11:35, just wow.
Anonymous
You don’t want to hear them on the plane and we don’t want to hear you here because reading your ‘thoughts’ is way way way worse than listening a screaming child. KTHXBAI
Anon
+1 million
Seventh Sister
Maybe you should carry around some ball gags when you fly! That would shut kids right up.
Walnut
I’m a grown ass woman and the last ten minutes waiting to get off a hot, crowded plane feels like an hour. Sometimes I consider throwing a fit as well.
Anon
I don’t escalate issues on planes. I just don’t. Obviously this guy is a jerk, but if you were to start a confrontation, you could end up delaying the flight for everyone, causing an emergency landing, etc. It happens a lot these days. Is that worth it to prove a point to someone who is being a jerk during a frustrating travel day?
Worry about yourself
As much as comments like that bother me (and also, how would beating a child make him or her stop crying?), I would not feel comfortable antagonizing someone who has no problem hitting a child, especially when we’re in a confined space and probably will be for some time. What you did say sounds fine, maybe acknowledging his frustration may have made it sound better (“I know it’s frustrating, but I’m sure she’s trying her best, you don’t know how long they’ve been traveling.”), because there’s nothing wrong with reminding each other to be kind, but calling him out probably would’ve caused trouble.
Anonymous
Idk I’ve had too many scary interactions with strangers to risk saying something. People are crazy. I’d be worried he would follow me through the airport, into the parking garage, to my car….
But I have a big mouth (ahem, hence the scary interactions?). In your situation, I can see myself blurting out, “Uhhh yikes dude, glad you’re not my dad!”
anon
I think you did a good job and shouldn’t have “called him out” more. I generally believe that too many people think that calling people out is a useful way to make a change in the world, and it generally isn’t. Depending on the issue, I think the right answer is either to work to create the change you want to see through your actions (e.g., volunteering with a political campaign, giving your money to worthwhile causes) OR sharing with someone else your perspective (or a different perspective that they may not have seen before) that increases their understanding of the world a bit more. You did the latter, which seems appropriate for the occasion. I know there’s an urge to call people out and shame for bad behavior, but unfortunately that’s not really a useful way to change their perspective in most cases. They’ll just fixate on how you made them feel and nitpick at things you said or did that they viewed as unfair, which is distracting from the real message they need to hear.
Anon
+1.
Anonymous
+1 to sharing perspectives being more effective to ‘calling out’ which just makes people defensive and double down on their position
Seventh Sister
I feel like it depends a lot on my mood and how comfortable/safe I feel confronting somebody. In the last few years, I’ve definitely been more inclined to speak up and/or yell at someone I think is being inappropriate or rude. I don’t know if it’s turning 40, or the nagging paranoid feeling that being smiley & polite is going to lead us right into The Handmaid’s Tale, or just not GAF anymore, but it’s been a change.
Two observations: (1) I’m surprised at how often someone says or does something rude then completely denies it when called out about it. I went to a gym where this guy would not stop following me around and staring at me and he always, always denied it. Ditto rude comments by old ladies about my hair or perfume (that I wasn’t even wearing). (2) In an airplane, the parent with the crying kids has the upper hand. At least with my kids, I’d listened to them cry their whole lives, so six hours of screaming on a plane is going to bother me a lot less than it’s going to bother Mr. Huffy Business Traveler.
Immunologist?
I keep getting sinus infections. My doctor wants me to see an immunologist to rule out anything rare going on with my immune system (which he admits is rare, but meds haven’t worked and he wants to rule out non-surgical approaches before we do any operating).
[I’ve told him that I’m a healthy person except for nuisance-level allergies, normal height/weight, normal cholesterol and blood pressure, generally exposed to a lot of dirt (kids, gardening, cities) and germs (flying coach), able to get pregnant with no help at 38, kids are generally healthy, parents are alive and no issues, etc.]
Has anyone gone to an immunologist? I know it will be a consultation and blood draw, but is there really any chance of this really being a thing?
I apparently have a severely deviated septum and IMO I caught a bad break. But do people really have wonky immune systems and not know it in their 40s? [I was a robust kid, not sickly; allergies showed up in college.]
Anon
Why wouldn’t you go? I mean even if it’s like a .0001% chance it’s a more serious issue, wouldn’t you want to know? The fact that your parents are alive and you got pregnant in your late 30s don’t really have any bearing on whether or not you have an immune issue.
Anonymous
Literally what do you think we can tell you? Go see the immunologist.
Anon
Yes, you should go. I have been diagnosed with one of the conditions your doctor is referring to myself and it only took a simple blood test to identify the problem. I was (and am, for the most part) similarly healthy and active and never thought I’d have something like this. It happens and you need to go to the doctor to figure out more.
Anonymous
I don’t want to pry as to your condition, but I am clueless as to what such a condition could be (or the array of conditions). Like is there something I should google as a possiblity just to learn more? I just don’t want to show up ignorant or not knowing what key terms might be.
Anon
I don’t want to share my exact condition, but it’s within the umbrella of “primary immunodeficiency.”
Anon
If you have a severely deviated septum, aren’t you going to need surgery anyway? But sure, I’d go to the immunologist just to cover my bases.
Anon
Has anyone gotten a robe from LL Bean lately? I’d like to get one of the classic plaid bathrobes as a gift for my husband, but some of the recent reviews make it sound like the quality has gone downhill.
Blueberries
I got one made of the light sweatshirt material and it’s lovely for chilly late spring mornings. I haven’t had it for very long, but so far it’s held up to a few washings and showed no signs of failing early.
Anonymous
Not asking for legal advice here, just venting and also want to see if this has happened to anyone else.
We sold our house a couple of months ago. The house was 50 years old and we had remodeled the kitchen when we moved into it 15 years ago, replaced all the appliances. We had a double wall oven that we put in at the time of remodeling that, during the buyer’s home inspection, wouldn’t turn on. The buyer asked us to have an appliance repair company come and fix the wall oven, and give a 90-day warranty on the work. As it turned out, the oven control panel had glitched (we had just had power outage the previous week) and the repairperson reset it, and that’s all he had to do to get the oven to turn back on. We tested it and it worked perfectly after that. The buyer had a reinspection and the oven passed; the buyer did a final walkthrough and proceeded with closing. During the sale process we had offered to buy the buyer a home warranty – the house is older, there were some older features, and we figured it would probably help her to have one – and she declined it.
Fast-forward two months. We got a call from our realtor who represented us in the sale asking for the warranty information for the appliance repair company because the wall ovens aren’t working in the house now. We provided the info. Next day, we get another call from our realtor – the repair company went back and looked at the ovens and ovens are toast, apparently, and the buyer wants us to pay for the replacement ovens.
We had a good laugh and then called our lawyer, who said if we get a demand letter he’ll answer it. But I am kind of floored…about a month after we moved into our new house, the garage door opener broke and then the garage door spring broke two weeks later, and we ended up paying $1100 to get that repaired. It never occurred to me to call our realtor and demand that the seller fix the problem. We have a home warranty that didn’t cover the garage door so we just pulled the money out of savings and dealt with it. Is this a thing now – to go after sellers post-closing to fix things that break? If you’re not done with your obligations to a previous residence at closing, then when are you done?
Mpls
Could be an Ask vs Guess thing. And the Buyers are Askers – they’re asking just to see if you will give it to them before they spend their own money. Even though they think it’s a long shot.
But yeah – that seems to be a lot more work than just fixing it your own darn self. Are they first-time homebuyers?
Anon
+1 I think your first sentence is probably spot on.
Not every thing that happens in life is a “is this a thing now?” kind of issue . . .
AnonZ
Yeah it sounds like either they are very naive or they’re hoping you’re very naive!
This wouldn’t be surprising at all if they’re first-time homebuyers and are making that fun mental adjustment of realizing that sometimes things break and you still have to pay to fix it even though it’s not your fault!
anon a mouse
Yeah this is not your responsibility. They accepted things at closing.
If anything, they could have a fight with the repair company if it’s within the 90 days, if the repair company did not correctly diagnose the problem.
Anonymous
+1
Anon
My guess is that their previous house was a new-build or they are getting advise from friends with new-builds. Our builder was required to fix anything wrong with the property in the first year. My thought is that they think that this rule applies to normal sales as well. (I do not think this is really a reasonable position for them to take, but this is I think where they are coming from.)
Anon
yeah, that’s weird. But I also think it’s weird that the buyers declined the home warranty, since it sounds like you were willing to pay for that.
Anonymous
Mmmm. Sounds like the oven issue was identified during inspection and you AGREED to be responsible for the proper functioning for 90 days post closing. It’s now less than 90 days post closing and the ovens are not working. That’s very different from you discovering something that was not identified during inspection and broke after closing. I disagree with above replies and think you are responsible since you agreed to that 90 day (post closing) timeline.
Vicky Austin
But it’s a different issue? Ovens were fine at inspection and now appear to have bit the dust for reasons unrelated to the original glitch, unless I missed something.
Anonymous
Yes, it appears to be a totally different issue. Our realtor texted this morning that the buyer told her realtor she ran the self-cleaning feature on both ovens simultaneously, which the manual says not to do. I imagine that probably fried the control board.
Anon
This was my thought. I certainly don’t think it’s out of line for the buyer to dig around and see if you should be legally responsible for the replacement.
Anon
Yeah I think so. I mean you have an attorney and he or she can go over the contract you signed but it really depends on who provided the 90 day warranty – the appliance repair company or you personally. If it’s you, you owe them new ovens.
And i don’t buy that the ovens not working and glitching during a power outage is completely unrelated to them being broken now. The glitching was probably a sign the computer was breaking down.
Anon
Ps the fact that you repaired the garage door on your new home is irrelevant.
Anonymous
Legit curious, what do you get out of being a total B in your reply? Do you get some kind of deep pleasure and satisfaction out of it? I mean, really.
AnonZ
Pretty clear from the second paragraph that the warranty was from the repair company: “…asking for the warranty information for the appliance repair company… We provided the info.”
Anonymous
We weren’t asked to guarantee the ovens would be working, just to provide information about the repair company’s warranty. That’s what’s in the contract.
CountC
The 90-day warranty is on the work done by the repair person (at least that’s what the OP said). Seller would be obligated to fix if the repair person’s work was bad, but that’s not the issue here. The ovens crapped out for totally different reasons which had nothing to do with what the repair person did.
AnonZ
This exactly. They can follow up with the repair company on the 90-day warranty, but if the new problem wasn’t covered by the warranty, then it doesn’t magically become OP’s responsibility. Since they asked for the repair company’s info first and then called back to say that they actually wanted OP to pay for it… it sounds like they heard pretty clearly from the repair company that whatever happened wasn’t covered by the warranty.
Anon
I’m in California so it may be different here but unless you sell the house “as-is” you can be liable to repair defects you knew about but did not disclose. My in-laws were successfully sued after selling their home because the buyers found a large crack in the slab foundation after tearing up the flooring. My in-laws should have known about it according to the lawsuit, and the new buyers won that. In reality my in-laws didn’t exactly know, but they had noticed the floor sloping in either direction away from the crack and did not disclose it in the contract.
Anonymous
We’re not in California.
Anonymous
“Sounds like the oven issue was identified during inspection and you AGREED to be responsible for the proper functioning for 90 days post closing.”
Nope. All we agreed to was to get the ovens repaired by someone who would provide a 90-day warrranty on the repair work. We did that. I hope you’re not a lawyer…
Anon
I think people are just naive. You have no responsibility for this and I would ignore it. Your realtor is also not the greatest if they sincerely conveyed that message to you.
Anon
A coworker (my level) is collecting money for a gift card to a restaurant for her assistant that is moving to a nearby major for her fiance. I have liked this assistant but rarely work with her. We have a staff of 35 and work at a non-profit. I normally do $25 -$30 for a baby shower, but I am also in the midst of an expensive situation. I could afford $25-30 but don’t really want to for this. No one else has ever gotten a going away gift. How much would you give? Is giving less than $20 stingy?
Anon
$10.
AnonZ
+1
I don’t think the gift card needs to be more than $150-200, if this is a fairly high-end place. (If 35 of you gave $20, that’s a $700 gift card, which is nice but seems excessive.) That should be more than enough to cover dinner for 2 at most places. No need for you to cover that much of the cost if there are 35 people chipping in for this. I would expect 2-3 people who worked with her the closest would cover about half the cost and then the rest of you can chip in the rest.
Anon
At my government office, we do $5-10 for going away gifts–it’s just a token gesture. $25 seems really high for a non-profit, especially if going away gifts aren’t a thing.
Anonymous
What is the lowest fuss patio furniture that is still comfortable for occasional seating? We live in Detroit — our steel table from Home Depot has rusted in parts, and cushions are in good condition but we don’t keep them outside. Not sure what I want for a conversation set or sofa. Any stores or brands people have had good luck with?
Mpls
Ikea Applaro has been my go-to. Its wood, so will need some occasional upkeep. Has optional cushions. Lots of different pieces that go together. Gotta buy it now though – they’ll stock out in early summer and won’t have more until next year.
Anon
We got a set of patio furniture for $300 from Amazon (can’t find a link) that has held up great. The furniture is all plastic and it has cushions. Weirdly, several restaurants near us also have it.
Anonymous
We’ve had a great Home Depot set for 5 years now – it still looks great because we cover all the chairs. The tables are doing well though and they stay exposed. Look up Edington line and then Verandah patio covers on Amazon.
Anon
If your set is still sturdy, there’s no reason you can’t spray paint it. I grew up with wrought iron patio sets and have them now, and spray painting them black again is an every other year tradition.
anon
+1
Dana Point Recs
I will be spending a long weekend at the Ritz Laguna Niguel in Dana Point for a mother-daughter trip. We aren’t really “spa people” but we love being outdoors and doing anything with ocean views. Any recommendations for walking, wining, dining, shopping, sight seeing? We will have a rental car and happy to drive for an adventure. Thanks in advance!
Lira
Any tips for entering a more insular industry?
This is a bit of a weird question. but I’m changing careers and entering a field that is much more specialized, and everyone knows everyone. I’m coming from a field where your reputation was still important of course, but it was so big and dominated by large companies instead of small ones, so it didn’t feel quite as much like a small town. In this field people change jobs frequently, and therefore work together and then with other people and then back together in different configurations. I recently interviewed for a job where they didn’t have to ask for references because they basically knew enough people who knew me, and I also knew or knew of many people who worked or used to work at the company.
Any advice for navigating this change? Things I would not think of?
Anon
Honestly? Everyone knows everyone, and everyone talks to everyone… about everyone and everything. I’m in real estate in a big but not-that-big ‘major’ city and it’s incredible how word travels. Sorry to be so negative (and don’t get me wrong, I love my industry and it’s quirks) but make sure you know who you’re talking to and any ulterior motives when giving them data. I’ve seen many learn the hard way that confidential information shared among friends isn’t confidential like talking to your attorney. At the end of the day it’s about you and your individual reputation so always work in its best interest. Good luck!
Pink
This may seem really obvious but, don’t talk bad about anyone, ever. This is good advice generally, but is essential in a niche industry where everyone knows (and employs) everyone.
anon
I’m spending 1 week in Hong Kong and Macau over the week of July 4th. I’ve never been to either- what activities would you recommend? Thanks!
Anonymous
I was in Hong Kong for about 48 hours a few years ago in August, and my favorite activities included eating dim sum in a bunch of different places, getting a reflexology foot massage, window shopping both the actual stores and the night market, and watching the evening light show over the harbor. I also got a suit and shirt made; the suit is still my go-to for court, I don’t wear the shirt that much. I’ve never been to Macau. Be warned that it’s very hot and humid!
cbackson
It’s going to be really muggy in HK in July, so be prepared for heat/humidity. A couple of ideas:
-The Victoria tram has insane lines to ride up, but you can walk up (it’s a strenuous but not-too-long walk) or cab up and there’s usually no line to ride down. I wouldn’t wait in line to ride it. Once you’re on the peak, there are some lovely, easy hiking trails around there.
-The Star ferry didn’t impress me that much but I used to commute by ferry; if ferries are inherently novel to you, you’ll probably enjoy it.
-I really enjoyed the Big Buddha and the related monastery. There is AMAZING vegan food in the monastery cafeteria (I am not a vegan but I could be if that was available to me all the time). I hiked over Lantau Peak to get there, which was gorgeous but tough (Hong Kong has a lot of awesome hiking). There is a cable car, although it was out of service earlier this year. If you don’t want to hike, the cable car is the best option.
-The Man Mo Temple is neat. I also loved the Chu Lin Nunnery and, especially, the traditional Chinese botanical garden across the street.
teslagirl
The view from Victoria peak at night is iconic.
We ducked into the Hong Kong Museum of History on a rainy day and it was fantastic.
In Macau, the Portuguese architecture was interesting. We went there as a day trip from Hong Kong so basically just walked around. Make sure to try the almond cookies.
Alanna of Trebond
Don’t go to Macau. I don’t know if it was different before, but it is now a terrible place to visit that is essentially a crappy Las Vegas.
anon
Over the past year or so, I’ve noticed that I am very fatigued during my period. Any ideas of what I can do to boost my energy today? I’m about ready to fall asleep at my desk despite getting a good night’s sleep!
Anonymous
Iron. Eat a burger.
Anon
Are you anemic? Pretty common for women during their periods and it’s a common cause of fatigue. I would start with asking your OBGYN to run a basic bloodwork panel.
anon
It won’t be immediate, but in the future, you can start iron supplements a few days before it starts — that’s assuming the fatigue is in part due to iron loss.
Anon
How are your iron levels?
anon
I assume they’re fine because I don’t have fatigue or symptoms otherwise. It seems to be limited to my period. It probably wouldn’t hurt to check, though.
Anon
. . .
Anon
But you lose a lot of iron when you bleed, so it’s common for women to be anemic only during the week of their period.
thehungryaccountant
You might have a slight iron deficiency.
-If you’re a meat eater, I’d look into upping your consumption of red meat and/or organ meat. If you’re vegetarian/vegan, the iron available is more difficult to absorb. Seek out additional forms of iron as well as vitamin C to help absorption.
-I generally eat 200-400 calories more on my period, as I find a slight increase helps my brain fog.
Anon
Vegetarians can also cook food in a cast-iron skillet; some of the iron will leech into the food.
Vicky Austin
I absolutely eat more on my period. I think of it as a little bit like a computer – I’m running an extra process in the background, so of course my battery runs down faster. (This is also why I overheat at that time, lol.) Iron (some red meat, peas, spinach) helps, but also just going to bed earlier when I can, too.
Anonymous
I adore this dress. That is all.
lsw
Same. It’s GORGEOUS.
Karen
Does anyone have a recommendation for a presentation/public speaking coach in NYC? I’d like to get feedback and tips on an upcoming half-hour work presentation. :) Thanks in advance!